Are You A “Victim” Or A “Survivor” Or A “Conqueror” Or A “Compassionate Lover”?

Here’s a letter I find important:

“Rori, let me start my story… I know this guy online we are good friends who became best friends so I call. He is the kind of guy who cares for you and can do anything to make you happy when he is happy with me… and when he is angry for a small mistake like answering back or taking his silent treatment rudely or at something else he would go without talking to me for months. When he gets back to me I give him all what I can whatever is possible from me forget what happened. I know he wont change.

I’m a victim of rape and when I told him about it he supported me he was so angry with those people he would have killed them. But once when he was angry he told me I “attract them more and ask them rape me rape me” the whole 2 hour online fight where I shed tears where he treated me as dirt while I was begging please I’m just hurt I’m sorry for nothing I did. He went away for a few days he ignored but when he spoke to me again I forgave him like nothing ever happened.

Lot of times later if I let my bottled feelings on his silence known he keeps silent he uses his heartless sarcasm which makes me feel like dirt. Like I have no value. Yet I give all of my love for him now he considers it to be fake.

I know I can leave him but still a part of me doesn’t want to. Please help me give me some tips. I believe too much in astrology and he is a Virgo. I feel too sensitive too left out.

Please let me know how to respond to his sarcasm. He always makes me feel that I’m wrong when I’m only trying to convey my feelings.
I really need the help from anyone and everyone. Thanks, Phoenix”

My Answer:

Phoenix, this man is not good for you – I can tell just by how bad you feel around him. The question is – what’s keeping you from completely walking away from him and making new friends and getting new lovers?

Also – I’m a long-time survivor of rape and assault, too, and a counselor – and the first thing that needs to happen is for you to get some support to STOP calling yourself a “victim” of ANYTHING.

You are a survivor – even a conqueror – should anyone ask. MORE than that!

And you still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved.

Please go find someone professional to talk to.

And – that experience never, ever goes away out of your awareness.

It’s how you integrate the experience into your life, the energy you give to it and don’t give to it, and the compassion you show yourself that counts.

Same as with everything else that happens in our lives.

It’s the perspective, and the work to accept and integrate and love the feelings that accompany every moment of our lives that make the difference.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

769 Comments to “Are You A “Victim” Or A “Survivor” Or A “Conqueror” Or A “Compassionate Lover”?”

1: Femininewoman says:

Conqueror

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:34am
2: Lori says:

Conqueror

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:37am
3: Femininewoman says:

I’m a victim of rape – I’m a long-time survivor of rape

Such different perspectives that affect the way we tell our stories. How we see ourselves and actions we take based on how we see ourselves. Many times it is unconscious, but man, how much it affects the way we show up in the world.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:39am
4: Femininewoman says:

Rori you are brilliant.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:39am
5: Starla says:

I ain’t a victim of shxt

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:45am
6: Starla says:

i just noticed that when i have no uncertainty in my life, i don’t go looking to my horoscopes or tarot cards.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:46am
7: Starla says:

ahhhhh this new text advertising thing is trippin me out. are others seeing it, or did i contract some adware?

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:47am
8: ALA says:

I’m getting the text enhanced ads here also. Was wondering what’s up with that too.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:01am
9: Liquid Light says:

Dump the f***** a-hole. What a loser!!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:14am
10: Starla says:

hahaha seriously, what liquid light says ^^^

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:17am
11: Liquid Light says:

Not you, Phoenix, the guy. He’s just not worth another second of your time IMHO.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:18am
12: Tam says:

Liquid Light – ditto
I can’t comprehend as to what would motivate me to stay with a man like that. Unless I could use him as a punch bag and save the gym fee…

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:21am
13: ruth says:

this is an on line relationship isnt it?
I wish Phoenix you had the strength to block his E mails for good.
You dont need to keep on being abused, you are worth more than that

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:24am
14: Liquid Light says:

i just noticed that when i have no uncertainty in my life, i don’t go looking to my horoscopes or tarot cards.

Starla, yes, ditto!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:34am
15: Femininewoman says:

My thoughts to the man in the article were more colorful so I chose to not write them

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:39am
16: Indigo says:

Phoenix,

If I were you I would really ask myself what would make me stay online with a man when he says those hurtful things, when I could so easily switch my computer off and go and run myself a hot bubble bath, or put on some gorgeous music and dance to my little heart’s content.

Maybe you feel you have to stick around for the pain, but you DON’T. Choose joy, choose peace. For yourself.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:42am
17: Tam says:

16 aw that’s a cute post, made me want to go and put some music on

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:46am
18: Indigo says:

Aww Tam

go for it

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:58am
19: Violette says:

I feel courageous today. I have a friend whose husband left her with three small boys, and the way she carries herself, so proud and resilient, while still feeling all her stuff, inspires me.

Whether or not breaking up with C was the “right” thing to do…if I could have hung in there and “worked” on things, it was the right thing to do for me. I have the choice to believe I did the right thing, to support myself and love myself and trust him to take care of himself. It’s ok to hurt him. He’ll be ok.

And I am so relieved to never have to get naked with him again, and to have had this wonderful man and experience in my life. And to have learned so much from it.

And I’m back on the road to finding a relationship that feels good all around to me. I feel so strong and proud!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:59am
20: Mercedes says:

This man isn’t a friend and certainly isn’t a best friend and serves only to control (in my opinion). Victims of rape and assault can be very easy to control and are prime pickings for a guy like this.

Survivors (and conquerors) are not. They have come too far to allow this type of person into their lives.

Choose Phoenix because I doubt you can have both.

And I totally agree about the professional help. It will also serve to give you confidence and strength to remove toxic men from your life forever.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 12:02pm
21: Starla says:

I want her to just block him on chats and fb. i want her to filter her email so that it automatically deletes any emails he sends her without her even having to know he sent it.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 12:16pm
22: ruth says:

I also understand exactly why she finds it so difficult
Its like a toxic drug

probably a* familiar* toxic drug
and now i feel really triggered

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 12:28pm
23: Femininewoman says:

Hi, This is Rori,

On Tonight’s Love Forever Call (Wednesday, January 30th at 5:30 PST, 8:30 EST), I’m going to talk about: “How To Warm Him Up With Your Warmth – Without Overfunctioning.”

It’s so easy to accidentally use my “walk away” and “Circular Dating” tools to go “cold” on a man. It’s so easy for resentment to build up and to use a Tool like “Ignore Him” to actually keep from USING the moment and your feelings to bring you CLOSER, and instead, accidentally push him farther away!

It’s all about becoming aware of what you’re REALLY feeling, underneath what you THINK you’re feeling, and then going through (and often “past”) your instinct to “run scared” and shut down.

It’s about speaking your truth and asking him the right questions when it feels most “wrong” and uncomfortable.

It’s about breaking through even years of disconnection with a man, or breaking through a PATTERN of disconnection and superficiality you may have established as a habit over your entire life, and connecting mightily and intimately and passionately.

If you sign up as a new “Love Forever” member anytime before tonight’s call, write to me about your personal situation and questions and I’ll answer you right on the call – live!

Love Forever is an advanced program, where I work with you to deeper levels of using the Tools you already have from my programs, and give you completely NEW ones.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 12:54pm
24: Sha-sha says:

I agree with the ladies please block this guy! No women deserves this kinda treatment…….. he knows he can get away with how he treats U and u always come back…….he has no respect for U…. Ur worth way more then this please believe in urself and get the help U need! Much luv and respect xo

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:17pm
25: Femininewoman says:

John Gottman, prime researcher on the dynamics of successful marriage, has stated that thriving relationships have AT LEAST a 5:1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms (and that includes eye rolls and other nonverbal disses).

http://www.hendricks.com/bodymind/months-menu-self-appreciation?utm_source=iContact&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=The%20Hendricks%20Institute%20Newsletter&utm_content=Newsletter+30JAN13

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:26pm
26: Turquoise says:

FW said….
as the girls and I deserved it – Turq taking into consideration all that I have learned from both Rori and Innerbonding I have changed my mindset.

You all deserved it yes but choosing to control the situation in this way could likely harm all involved. You deserved it but he as a human is also entitled to choose not to provide it. Choosing such a route with some men might have put both yourself and the girls in physical harm’s way. I have also seen Rori encourage women to find ways to get employed and be independent of men when they head down certain paths.

Knowing these things I would not have chosen the route you took. It is like a virtual prison. Chained to a man who did not want to be with me just to use him. Sorry to be so harsh. I have seen Margaret Paul of Innerbonding suggest that you do not own the spouse. I believe also Byron Katie. Also that the other person doesn’t really owe you anything. I have also read where the traditional marriage vows are really, well unrealistic. It projects into the future to make claims that people might not be able to live up to.

Each day a married couple wake up they make a new commitment to be with each other. Assuming that is the case because of the legal document can set one up for trouble.

FW, I feel pretty p1ssed off reading this. And I don’t want to go into explaining my whole past or situation, but this feels ugly to me, and while you may believe you know me and my situation…. this just isn’t even close to being true, that I feel I have to “clear my name.”

Two months into a two and a half year dating relationship when we were engaged, C and I started talking about the possibility of being married and having children someday. I shared that I did not want MY children, if at two months I would have said OUR children, he probably would have run away…. to be in daycare. If that would be my only option, I may not have them. It was a personal preference, something I felt strongly about for a lot of reasons, but at that early stage in our relationship, I shared it. He agreed, and while my career eventually in elementary education (we started dating when I was 20) was something I’d planned to go back to when the girls were in school, it was also understood that his career with the military, would come first. We would move because of it, and no matter what my job may be, I’d give that up and of course, move with him. So, I feel, that we both understood what the other wanted and expected. When C and I separated, in the middle of a cross country move, while all our belongings were in storage, I was visiting family because our house wasn’t ready and he had to be there for work. He chose to give up our housing, rent a small place off base, file for a divorce, and tell me on the phone rather than in person. I chose to leave my family, friends, and the definite possibility of a teaching job behind when I chose to marry him and move to Europe. I taught in Germany and Georgia, giving up both jobs because he was transferred, but also timing wise, to be home with the girls.

So, here I was, back in my hometown after 13 years, with a 2 and almost 5 year old, all my stuff on a moving truck… and started over. My girls lost a lot in the divorce. Seeing their dad regularly because he lived out of state. A big house, their dogs because I couldn’t keep them, the last thing I was going to do was put my 2 year old in daycare so that I could go back to work. C paid just as much support as he would have if I’d worked. We had our own agreement. I chose to use my savings in addition to what he paid me, and ran up a decent amount of credit card debt. It was a lesson learned, but in that time of my life when nothing felt stable, it was worth it. I saw a lawyer and a counselor, both suggesting to me that being divorced was not in best interest. Not only did his health insurance still cover me, but with him being in the military and volunteering to go to Iraq 6 months into our separation, if something were to happen to him, I would have been protected. He was gone for 14 months, of which some of it, we considered reconciling. Then he proposed to a woman he’d known for a month, while we were still legally married, and that was the end of that. Obviously, those of you who know our story, it didn’t last long. A major reason why our divorce took so long was that he was not here. He never lived closer than a 7 hour car ride, and for another year he was in Kansas. So, lack of proximity, was a huge factor. We did not live together for any of this, so to be in harms way, considering I saw him so little, was not a relevant factor compared to the financial benefit of still being legally married.

I am all for personal growth and learning to be in better relationships, and I know that reality can be a dirty word around here, but whether I should have signed papers because he wanted me to or not, I did not honestly care what he wanted. I tried to keep a healthy relationship between him and the girls, I spent time with his family, who some had been rather awful to me, I sent pictures and emails about the girls always, and I made the best of what we had. It never costed him more financially, for us to still be married, and the emotional stress, went both ways.

Now, it’s been almost 5 years since we got divorced, and in all that time he has still been a wonderful provider, going above and beyond, to be there for me and the girls. I had the awesome provider. And while our divorce happened because of both of us, I didn’t cheat or have an addiction or lie to him,… so if I used him for financial reasons then I feel ok about it. He left me because he thought the grass would be greener elsewhere. He’s since told me it was the biggest mistake of his life and he will always regret it. He doesn’t know if he will ever be happy. But we did a lot of damage to each other along the way.

Somehow though, through all of that, we still do our best to make it work the best we can, for the girls. We are all going skiing together this weekend. It should be interesting, I’m hoping we can have fun and it all goes smoothly.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:36pm
27: Turquoise says:

*** 2 months into dating, at 2 1/2 years we got engaged. A year later we got married.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:36pm
28: Liquid Light says:

Violette said:

And I am so relieved to never have to get naked with him again, and to have had this wonderful man and experience in my life. And to have learned so much from it.

Wow! I love this!!! This is exactly how I feel about MY last relationship. Thanks for articulating this and posting it!!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:36pm
29: Iamabutterfly says:

I just wanted to share that the 40 year old creep-o (I know, judgmental) who didn’t have a car and wanted to go out with me is, get this, LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. Trusting my instincts wins again!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:53pm
30: Turquoise says:

FW said…

Not at all. My focus was on “choosing” not to sign the divorce papers which was what he apparently wanted. Locking oneself into a situation to MAKE him manup to his responsibility is likely to create resentment in the other person.

It wasn’t to make him man up. He has always been a good provider, but being in the military, you do not pay for your healh insurance for your family. Just something small for dental. It was the fact that as long as we were still legally married, I had that provided to me. Since he left me with a 2 year old, and what it would have cost to put her in daycare, which he actually would have had to pay most of, this worked out for all of us. What does suck, is that since I left my career for so long, it’s not a viable career option for me now, without going back to school. So, the sacrifice made here, was mine, by my choice.

What I’m seeing in relation of this, to my relationship with sweetheart, is that while I want him to have a job and be able to support himself, which if we ever got married, I’d defintiely still work… but sharing household expenses, would relieve some financial strain on me…. I’d rather have a relationship with a man who makes me feel loved. C bought me presents, said nice things sometimes, but mostly he was very focused on his job and hobbies. We didn’t spend much time together. I felt very alone at the end of my marriage, even when he was there. So, financial security would be a blessing, it’s not the criteria I’m still so attracted to. It would be great if someone had it all… but it would also be great if I did too. I see that. I’m not perfect. My concern with sweetheart is that if his back gets worse and he cannot work, what that might do to our lives. But, like I said.. I’m not ready to marry anyone anytime soon, so not going to negatively “what if” myself out of the relationship. I’m giving him time to figure things out, and going from there.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:53pm
31: ruth says:

Turq
what comes across to me is how C has stepped up fr the kids
Might not ave worked out for you two, but

well, hmmm

I dont see so many marriages wth kids working out so good and this one seems to be

Hats off to you both, acutally

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:53pm
32: Starla says:

I have nothing to do at work, so I went to my car to meditate. Love it! Feels good.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:56pm
33: Goodheart says:

Turquoise, your posts always inspire me & I feel such a strong yet warm vibe from you.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:00pm
34: Liquid Light says:

Lamabutterfly

OMG, barf! Good for you for going with your instincts!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:03pm
35: Turquoise says:

Yes Ruth, he is a good dad. He’s also a great ex husband. It could be wayyyyyyy worse. I feel blessed there. I think I’m a pretty great ex wife too.

Thank you Goodheart. I feel so frustrated right now. IT’s hard rehashing all that, still emotional. I think I’ll cry it out on the way home and then go enjoy watching my girls do their thing at gymnastics. Have a great night everyone!!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:04pm
36: Calypso says:

I must really like Hound . . . i just got a call out of the blue from the Drill Instructor and although I was happy to hear his voice and he still can make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants, I did not feel like flirting with him and I ended up telling him that I was dating someone I really liked and would not risk hurting his feelings by having any inappropriate conversations, texts, or pictures with another man.

He took it well and said he would still want to keep in touch and talk with me, but i kind of doubt that i will hear from him again since I know he was just in it for the sex talk (as was I) . . . but I felt good releasing him.

I won’t get to see Hound again until this Sunday, which is kind of nice too because it is giving me time to really let my feelings settle – I can poke around in them and not be distracted by his handsome face. So far, so good. I feel wonderful and still have no desire to reach for GM. We even had tornados in our areas last night and I did not focus on him at all – I am healing so much and it is amazing how the lack of pain leaves so much room for happiness and excitement and wonder ~

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:05pm
37: Femininewoman says:

Sorry to know you feel pissed Turq but I totally understand.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:12pm
38: Starla says:

calypso, wow, i feel shocked you shut down all your options so soon! I’m still in the middle of letting men know i’m not available anymore, and I’m a solid month into a committed relationship with someone I’ve dated for several months and known since I was 14…

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:15pm
39: Femininewoman says:

you may believe you know me and my situation – Quite the contrary Turq, I believe no such thing. I was responding as an outside observer based on what I have learned and what I believe I would do today if faced with such a situation.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:22pm
40: Femininewoman says:

Also Turquoise I was only responding to the question at the end of this comment.:-

“471: Turquoise says:
Well FW, I told him before we got married I would not put my kids on daycare, so he’d have to be ok with me staying home and supporting us.
How about this…. To continue to live the life I wanted and have the time I wanted with my girls, I chose not to sign the papers and remain legally married. His choice would not change my choices, as the girls and I deserved it. I made the best of my situation at the time.
What do you think?”

I feel really sorry if I pushed your boundary.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:27pm
41: Starla says:

I am finding money in places I didn’t expect:). For example, I have some unused groupons I can get refunded. And my bank sent me an unexpected check for one dollar, haha. They owed me some money from an old account.

I can’t wait to go home and scrub my bathtub all shiny. Rich people have shiny bathrooms.

Tomorrow I am going to declutter my main closet. Rich people have fresh, open, light, organized, lovely closets:)

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:28pm
42: Femininewoman says:

RE 29 Iamabutterfly what bubbled up for me reading that comment was “a man can be okay living with a girlfriend *for now* while at the same time looking for his forever girl”. So the question to myself is whether a man is offlimits to me because he has a girlfriend?

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:34pm
43: Turquoise says:

FW, I’m not mad at you. It’s just been an emotional week and I got triggered, feeling I was being told I was wrong and that with growth, I’d see that. It’s still a painful topic for me. I didn’t want to be divorced. I never signed the papers. My girls miss out on a lot without their dad here, and military life is hard. When he’s deployed, I still worry as if he were my husband. But I guess my point was that just because he chose that he didn’t want to be married anymore, and broke all those promises and commitments, I’d made commitments and promises to myself, and unborn children, when they were a dream of my future. Just because he didn’t want me, didn’t mean it was all ok or that he should have what he wanted more than I have what I wanted.

And no matter what he does for us, what he pays for, it doesn’t change the fact that he left us. His choice changed all our lives. I know that, my girls know that, and so does he. So, all I can continue to do is make the best of it. Which I have done since day 1. Maybe not the way anyone else would have. But it wasn’t about giving him what he wanted anymore. It was about me, and I’m 100% ok with that.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:44pm
44: Annie says:

462: sami no .

I loved your speech and how you honored yourself taking full responsibility for your own feelings around this. And how you prioritized your feelings and what you want first.
If he is the right man for you he will step up and do the same.
Hugs.X

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:48pm
45: Starla says:

MaintenanceGuyCD didn’t jump on taking me out fast enough, and now i have a boyfriend…

i still let him surprise me with a space heater for the office, though. I’m freezing!

Also, not one but TWO band members of a band are really into me… they’re actually brothers… they are opening for me and Qz’s favoritest band in a couple of months, and hooked me up with tix and offered to bring me backstage to party with the band that is headlining (exciting!). But I have this sinking feeling they won’t be so generous when they learn that I have a boyfriend now. and that I want him to come backstage, too.

I warned QZ about all this. That we might end up backstage but it might be a romantic gesture and not a friendly one from them. He is not a jealous guy in the slightest, so he just kind of chuckled.

QZ trusts me completely to be faithful and really doesn’t bother with even flinching at the other men in my life. That is something that’s very sexy about him!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:56pm
46: Femininewoman says:

I understand Turq. Thanks. My mother still lives with me. Every now and again I hear a comment that suggests she hung on in the marriage because of us. I find myself wondering when she expresses regret why she didn’t chose to live her life rather than living up to expectations and obligations. Many times she talks about if she had to live her life over again she would choose to not have kids. I understand but at the same time it stirs some kinds of feelings of abandonment. I don’t want that for you, myself or any of the other women here. As such I feel sometimes compelled to look at the other side of the coin.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:56pm
47: Siren Angel says:

One of these moments… I have not been on the blog but I thought these exact words a few days ago ‘I am a survivor of…’
Wow.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:57pm
48: Femininewoman says:

I have seen her feelings of resentment spill out in some cursing towards my dad. Their stories about their marriage are sometimes so different but one underlying factor is feelings of obligations.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:58pm
49: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise sometimes I truly wish I was nearby to hug you, hold you and soothe away your pain. I feel so comnnected to you that I feel movement/pain in my womb as if I gave birth to you as I write.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:01pm
50: Starla says:

wow fw you are letting out some intense feeling messages, I LOVE IT

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:02pm
51: Annie says:

“Rori, let me start my story… I know this guy online we are good friends who became best friends so I call. He is the kind of guy who cares for you and can do anything to make you happy when he is happy with me… and when he is angry for a small mistake like answering back or taking his silent treatment rudely or at something else he would go without talking to me for months. When he gets back to me I give him all what I can whatever is possible from me forget what happened. I know he wont change.

I’m a victim of rape and when I told him about it he supported me he was so angry with those people he would have killed them. But once when he was angry he told me I “attract them more and ask them rape me rape me” the whole 2 hour online fight where I shed tears where he treated me as dirt while I was begging please I’m just hurt I’m sorry for nothing I did. He went away for a few days he ignored but when he spoke to me again I forgave him like nothing ever happened.

Lot of times later if I let my bottled feelings on his silence known he keeps silent he uses his heartless sarcasm which makes me feel like dirt. Like I have no value. Yet I give all of my love for him now he considers it to be fake.

I know I can leave him but still a part of me doesn’t want to. Please help me give me some tips. I believe too much in astrology and he is a Virgo. I feel too sensitive too left out.

Please let me know how to respond to his sarcasm. He always makes me feel that I’m wrong when I’m only trying to convey my feelings.
I really need the help from anyone and everyone. Thanks, Phoenix”

My heart really hurts and I feel so sad reading this.
You were a victim of rape which was not your fault but are now a survivor who has taken the first step to healing from this. And only you can take responsibility for healing and conquering those inner demons.
This man is poison to you and you are poisoning yourself if you stay with him.
Hugs.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:03pm
52: Annie says:

I was a victim and survived, am now healing and conquering and slaying all those inner demons and becoming more compassionate and loving to myself everyday.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:06pm
53: miraculosly loved says:

Ohhh, it will take a little more for her to block this guy and any relationship that will do her harm…as I look back on the affair I had with a man who was similar, at one time I could not break from him. I was too deeply linked to my feelings of needing him because he “was the one” and I had grown up but not grown out of the secrets and lies of my childhood of sexual abuse and had not yet overcome my post trauma of the abuse I suffered from my ex-fiance. I didn’t know it but I was terrified of real men and didn’t trust myself around them because I couldn’t decipher between good and bad, so I settled. I thought it was easier to suffer in an online/affair because no other man understood me. The times we were together were worth it at that point because I didn’t really want a commitment or to work for the commitment. All of this was wrapped up in one big beautiful ego package that made me think it was the right thing. When you decide you deserve and want more and are brave enough to find someone else, (you are already brave enough, you have to believe it); you will find a therapist that will slowly teach you how to reconnect with and identify with what love IS and what it is not. In the mean time I’ll tell you how I broke the addiction and it wasn’t cold turkey, it was Rori’s is he a toxic man test…I used it to determine that this man brought about fear and anxiety and those two emotions are toxic. I will tell you that he wised up to his toxic ways but it was too late…I was tired of hurting and tired of disappointments and lies. He still emails me but I am now in the most miraculous relationship with myself and with the most amazing, loving man. In just 2 short years (after 6 solid years of therapy) Rori’s tools were just what I needed to make it all happen and for me to finally break the cycle of abuse I accepted for myself. I have always been a survivor but now I have the courage to live an honest life in a wonderful relationship with a man that I will be married to in September. I still feel scared and I still have some of the same responses to him. We just bought a house, which should be the happiest moment for me but I feel panicky, excited and fearful all at the same time. These are not reactions to him but post traumatic responses to the harm and abandonment I faced in my other relationships. I feel ready to be loved completely but this is a place of fear for me; as I say this I feel shaky. I feel surprised that THIS was the topic, since its the first day I’ve been back in a very long time…I have had some very strong reactions since we’ve been in the house particularly around feeling overtaken in the relationship. Although, I know its impossible since I am my own person. This fear and anger has pushed him away a bit but it is my conversations with him that make me feel safe in the relationship. I feel a little needy right now but I know I’ve survived so much and although I don’t NEED him, I feel all vulnerable and open..for me this is scary more so in a full time relationship. I know I am giving it too much power; my past that is. So, I’m sitting with this feeling right now and letting it melt my heart away

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:16pm
54: Miss Bells says:

Good post!
My family was very rich and very messed up, and I was driven out of my house at age 14. Once on the streets I was raped a number of times, plus all the “just get it over with” sex to secure some measure of safety. I was well into adulthood before I knew sex could be consensual, much less enjoyable.
Now I am 56 and have lived without any such thing happening again for many many years.
I did a lot of hypnotherapy to heal the past.
Now I am spending my parents money and having fun doing it. The inheritance suffered from my father’s spendthrift ways, and I had to split it six ways, with sisters that purposefully harmed me in the past. BUT–it is enough. And I am very glad.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:16pm
55: Starla says:

wow now my friend who is a bioresearcher just asked if he could pay me 800 bucks to take a small sample of my thigh tissue, lololol. weird, but the universe is definitely sending money my way!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:19pm
56: miraculously loved says:

I am now soothing this amazing feeling exploding inside me…fear, anger, hostility…all leftovers that require a big workout and then a shower and then I will cook dinner for the “one” who made himself the one, made room in my life and all I had to do was open my heart, make me accessible to the right man and then trust him…and let go of the mistrust that held me back…I feel a sigh of relief when I say that…how perfect! I will not own more than my part…before my workout its back to my school work. I’m in my Masters program…so many new things; so exciting!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:24pm
57: Turquoise says:

Thank you FW, but I don’t feel resentment, at least not towards my kids. I love them so much and we have built a great life, the three if us. There’s us, and then everyone else. Whom I love dearly, but we are the team. C never wanted to be a team, at least it didn’t feel that way. And I don’t care much about a career. To me, a job is a way to pay my bills. Someday I hope that changes, but for now… I’m grateful to have a job, it’s easy, close to home, and flexible. But this job lets me be the kind of mom I want to be!

I guess I do resent C for changing our lives, not keeping promises…. But I’m also grateful that he made a very hard decision, which, with where we were was toxic, and removed himself from our daily lives.

I just said to SH last night that I’m really happy my girls like him, because that’s super important, but that even if this wasn’t going so smoothly, I deserve to be happy too, and the relationship with him would be worth the effort.

You wrote something about his kids and how it might feel to him in how I acted, or something lke that, but I’ve only met his son once and haven’t met his daughter, so no relationship there yet. I will tread lightly. This is a hard time for them. I know.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:28pm
58: miraculously loved says:

I wonder where my first post went, guess that makes my second one a little unclear..lol I feel all curious now..oh well…lol

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:35pm
59: miraculously loved says:

I feel like sharing and need to be back on the blog for a bit just to journal and clear my feelings and practice again..whew

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:39pm
60: Femininewoman says:

Not “his” kids Turq. It was a general statemtn

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:51pm
61: Vi says:

Today I caught myself before going into victim pattern. Yay to me! It felt sad though, but that’s totally okay. I rock. It feels scary to write this.. and that’s okay too I feel giggly now. I want to feel as comfortable being adored as I feel being in a victim mode.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:57pm
62: Annie says:

Turquoise.
Most people say what they would have imagined they would have done in that situation as if it were them.
And in reality they do not really know, they are just taking and educated guess.
And even in they had done it differently they are not you living your reality and your life.
They really are not able to put themselves in your shoes as if they were you living it from your reality, how it really was for you as if they were you and not them.

Hugs X.
There for the grace of God go I.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:01pm
63: miraculously loved says:

You still have feelings trapped inside this experience; that just triggered me…its not the relationship I’m reacting to with my fear and wanting to run but my feelings being trapped inside another experience; I feel curious about how to release them or to bridge them…hmmm?? I’ll have to explore this! How amazing and uncomfortable

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:04pm
64: Annie says:

Phoenix.

When we use I am it means now the present tense.
And when we use I was, it is the past tense so no longer happening.
What do want to choose for now and the future?
And what do you want to be now?
A conqueror?
Survivor?
Compassionate lover?

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:09pm
65: Annie says:

Rori says.

“And you still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved.

Please go find someone professional to talk to.”

I believe this is the key.
As in trauma and survival we go into fight, flight or freeze. If we are unable to fight or flight because our assailant is stronger etc we automatically go into freeze are bodys way of protecting us.
If we freeze in becomes trapped and we then need help to release it before we are able to move forward.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:19pm
66: Annie says:

our*

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:20pm
67: Liquid Light says:

Femininewoman 42: yeah, I hear you…sometimes its a bit more complicated and not so black and white but still its not a great situation to get in the middle of IMHO

I had a good friend of mine’s boyfriend come on to me. They are living together. This felt pretty awful. The moral of the story is: don’t live with anyone until you are married. I think if you do, it sends a signal to the man that you are okay with the situation and being faithful, exclusive and committed is not that important to you.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:58pm
68: Liquid Light says:

Wow Miss Bells 53, I’m so impressed with your great attitude after all the hardship you have been through.

You deserve that inheritance! Enjoy!!!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:02pm
69: Annie says:

Liquid Light.
“This felt pretty awful”

Hi Liquid light, I remember an old thread around this.
Where Rori advised to see how it made you feel, if you chose to go out with a Guy in a situation like this is you liked him and it was about what you then wanted.

So in your case it felt awful and you don’t want to date a man who lives with another woman.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:15pm
70: Annie says:

What message does it send to a guy if we agree to date them and they are living with another woman?

” Hey she knows I am living with another woman and she is ok about it and is happy about it.”
An open invitation to have his cake and eat it.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:19pm
71: Annie says:

I don’t want to date men who are living with another woman, or married, still married to another woman personally.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:23pm
72: Liquid Light says:

Yeah Annie 64, it felt awful because she is a good friend of mine and I try not to treat my good friends badly. Or anyone for that matter…operative word here is *try* as I def don’t always succeed.

And also it felt bad knowing that he’s not really good for her if he’s coming on to her friends.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:30pm
73: Liquid Light says:

Annie 65, yes, Annie, I agree, not a good message to send. Really starting out on a bad note with someone like that IMHO.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:34pm
74: Annie says:

Eeek Liquid light.
It feels doubly awful to me if it is a friend or relative.
Even if they are no longer together and a ex. I just do not want to go there and would not feel good or right to me to date a friends ex, sisters ex, Mothers ex, aunties ex, even if My Mothers and Aunts ex were not blood relatives.
It still would feel like incest to me.
YUCK!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:35pm
75: Annie says:

And I would not want any man who wanted to do this.
We would not be a match.
Not be compatible.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:38pm
76: Annie says:

One of my friends ex’s is now marrying her sisters best friend, her sister introduced them.
And they both go to her Mothers house and stay.
The Mother says she doesn’t want them there but still has them there even though she knows it deeply upsets her daughter.
I feel so sad for my friend.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:43pm
77: Turquoise says:

Thanks Annie. I was just thinking its like apples and oranges…. In different fruit bowls.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:46pm
78: Annie says:

I feel amused Turquoise.
That is funny.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:51pm
79: Turquoise says:

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 6:04pm
80: Memulo says:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We just came to my place after dinner and he us staying overnight and I want to cry. I am not happy but I feel safe. I don’t want to sleep with him!!!!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:27pm
81: Liquid Light says:

Memulo, Can you tell him that u don’t want him to spend the night? Usually men expect that you will have sex with them if they spend the night IMHO.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:31pm
82: Memulo says:

I can’t tell him. It means to break up with him. He calls me and he treats me as his gfriend, yes he expects to have sex. I will probably chase players and liars till the day I die instead

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:35pm
83: Liquid Light says:

If you dont want to sleep with him then you shouldn’t. Chances are you will regret it later. And its not cool that he is pressuring you (sounds like it anyway).

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:50pm
84: Memulo says:

I can’t let go of an idealistic dream. That I will find a mutual love one day. But I have to remember that even people who I loved don’t find me worthy of a simple good bye. It’s hard to meet someone who treats you well. For so many years my choice was always to rather be alone, struggle and look for love. And what did I achieve

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:51pm
85: Memulo says:

He is not pressuring me. He is trying to build something with me

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:53pm
86: Vi says:

(((Memulo))) If I was in that situation where a man initiates sex and I’m not feeling ready I would probably say ‘you know I feel confused. It feels so good to… and at the same time I feel not ready to have sex just yet and I’ll feel resistant if I do, and I dont want to feel that way with you. And I dont want to upset you either. What do you think?’ And if he asks what would feel good to me, I’d suggested what would feel good to me at the moment.. and observe how he’ll handle my don’t wants and boundaries..
Send you warm beams of support..

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:58pm
87: Vi says:

I feel ashamed of typos. I love my shame. I’m not going to beat myself up. I can choose to channel this energy into working on my grammar and manifesting a new phone instead… I love me.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:05pm
88: Turquoise says:

Memulo, if he really wants to build something with you, he wouldn’t want you to do something you don’t want. Because good chance, you’ll end it afterwards. Take care of you!

Truthfully, Sweetheart has really grown on me. I never expected to feel the way I do.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:07pm
89: Turquoise says:

Oh lord, my soap opera life…. C and his girlfriend got back together. I offered to back out of the weekend, meet him at a different resort and drop the kids off, but he still wants me to go. Even though she doesn’t like it. He said its separate beds, girls will be glad I’m there, I should go. Sweetheart thinks I should go. I told them both that men are just different. She will hate this, I’d hate it if it were me, yet they both think the whole situation is fine. Then, C tells me I should bring SH, he actually likes him, and will get another room, his treat. Wtf. A month ago C wanted a BJ, and now he wants to get me and my boyfriend a room for the weekend so we can all be together. He is either incredibly centered, or screwed up. I don’t even now what to say, I’m sort of in shock.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:14pm
90: Liquid Light says:

Memulo, If you feel like crying that means that something isn’t right. We need to trust our inner voice and instincts.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:16pm
91: Indigo says:

I am feeling triggered, and very, very tired today.

I don’t feel like being reasoned with, I just want to beat my little fists against a wall and get up in someone’s face and then fall to the floor in a puddle.

Aaarrrggg. I’m glad I can say this. I’m feeling totally like my feelings are hot and having a field day inside me today.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:17pm
92: Iamabutterfly says:

I felt really happy around a lot of people that I sometimes have social anxiety with tonight. It felt really good to not feel social anxiety. I felt like ME. That hasn’t happened in a long time. I feel sad that it hasn’t happened in a long time, but I also feel relieved and incredibly grateful.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see what I perceive as SMC staring me down. Like he hates me. I have to remember that my perceptions can and are often wrong. but this feeling of guilt is really hard to shake.

I feel bad about that entire situation. I think I did the right thing, for the sake of my crazy imagination and hormones (but there I go, judging my “crazy imagination” if that’s even what it is)

Ran smack dab into Mr. Stares me Down. He was with another girl, and he was really nice to me, which surprised me, and I don’t know why it surprised me, but it did.

I feel so angry at my emotional immaturity. If I had to guess, I would honestly put my emotional maturity level, not in every aspect of life, but at least when it comes to dating, at that of a thirteen year old. and that feels so humialiting.

I feel so angry at my mother, for making me constantly second guess my intuition, for focusing on my negative qualities instead of my positive qualities, for talking me out of believing that every guy that I thought was interested in me wasn’t, for trying to hide my feminitity with baggy clothes, for making me feel too fat, too silly, too emotional, too much, too much for a man to ever love me, let alone like me enough to pursue an actual relationship with me.

I feel angry at myself for many of the same things.

and I feel so sad and lost, because I can’t tell if I’m making progress or not, and I feel so scared and lonely and stuck at the moment.

Not in every aspect of life, just when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man. Intimate relationship with a man sounds like the biggest joke in the world to me.

I remember when my roommate got engaged a few years ago, and I was telling someone about it, and a cute guy overheard me telling someone about it and thought I was talking about my own engagement.

and I heard this voice, loud and clear in my head; “what’s wrong with him? This is ME we’re talking about. I can’t get engaged. I’m not supposed to get married.” and the scary thing is, I believed that voice and had no second thoughts about it!!!! I feel so angry that I believed that voice!!! that I didn’t have a million and two other voices telling me the wonderful truth about myself.

i just needed to write that out. I feel guilty for being negative, but I think I’m still grieving for something. and I’m wondering where I am when it comes to all this new stuff, and I just feel scared and stuck and sad and angry and curious and tired and I just need that to be okay. Okay?

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:18pm
93: Indigo says:

D messaged me and sent me this beautiful song last night. It felt so good and soft. The lyrics even were so beautiful and relevant to our situation.

And today I just want to yell at him. I won’t, but I just feel cross (yes that’s different from angry ) and powerless today.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:20pm
94: Liquid Light says:

OMG, lamabutterfly, I so love your honesty. It is such a gift to be so open and vulnerable and expressive in the way you are. I’m so touched. Thank you!!!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:32pm
95: Iamabutterfly says:

What is the wonderful truth about myself? That any guy would be lucky to have me. That I’m incredibly lovable, unique, energetic, surprising, thoughtful, compassionate, gorgeous, cute, adorable, passionate, and dedicated.

I am going to be pursued and fall passionately in love with a wonderful, good, godly man who will cherish me, protect me, RESPECT me, adore me, stare at me, think absolutely everything I do is precious, cute, interesting, fascinating. I am going to get married to this wonderful, good, godly man. He is going to buy a diamond ring and put it on my finger and he is going to be soooo excited about doing that that he can barely contain himself from shouting from the rooftops how he is the luckiest man alive to have ME.

I feel so teary imagining that.
and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel guilty admitteding that.
I feel like I’m not supposed to have that.

But I am!
and I will!
I will have that!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:42pm
96: Ulii says:

@ Memulo 80

Please, don´t sleep with him if you don’t want to. I have done it, and felt bad about myself. The times I have really listened to my feelings and went to sleep to another room, or sent a man who I had previously invited to my appartment to a hotel instead.. I actually felt really good about myself and having taken care of myself after that. And some men would drift away after that, but some have not. I believe the right man is going to respect you only more after you have put yourself first.

“Of course he is expecting sex.” Sounds like pressure to me. I agree with Turquoise that if he really wants to build something with you, he wouldn´t want you to do something you don´t want.
Just got the same told to me by cd few nights ago.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:51pm
97: Ulii says:

@Phoenix
I would ignore & block that man immediately.
For what is written here, he seems a (at least emotionally) violent man.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:58pm
98: Ulii says:

@90, Iamabutterfly

“What is the wonderful truth about myself? That any guy would be lucky to have me. That I’m incredibly lovable, unique, energetic, surprising, thoughtful, compassionate, gorgeous, cute, adorable, passionate, and dedicated.”

This is so beautiful! Sounds like a mantra any woman should repeat to herself over & over again.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:02pm
99: Ulii says:

@ Starla

I feel amazed of how talented you are! A viola!? Wow!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:05pm
100: Ulii says:

Music & playing instruments together (or to eachother) feels like something special, a really intimate way of being together and sharing.
I had that with my ex and that’s something I’ll be missing always in a relationship where I can´t share that.

One of the most beautiful experiences of our relationship was when I first sang a traditional song to him one night we were together in my then tiny livingroom, the electricity went off and so there was only candlelight. I had been feeling really shy about my singing and the half-darkness made me feel a bit more secure and I finally did it (he had been asking me for some time already)… It was really wonderful to express that side of me to him and suddenly I felt so really close. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me that moment.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:15pm
101: Ulii says:

Sorry, I´d like to catch up with all of the blog & comment on everything, but just can’t as I really must get some sleep.

((((All wonderful sirens))))

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:17pm
102: GlowStix says:

Liquid light

My husband hit on my good friend.

Just popped into my head as I read your post about your friends boyfriend. lol and I felt compelled to say it.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:20pm
103: GlowStix says:

Ex – husband now, to be clear

He full on tried to have sex with her and groped her when he was drunk. So gross

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:21pm
104: shawnsupergirl says:

Girl dump that Virgo everyone i ever met was a self adsorbed ass and if a man talks that way now they will later and worse. I believe in the horoscopes to a point but, i am Aquarius and Virgo are just bad news for the ones i have known. best of luck .

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:41pm
105: Miss Bells says:

HS chatted me on FB today, wrote on my timeline, and then, much later, commented on one of my posts. He is NOT a big user of FB…
We are getting together tomorrow for the weekend, including the usual super-bowl party at a friend’s house. And on FRiday and Saturday we will be entertaining an out of town guest.
He seems to be BUZZING around me. I feel good about it.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:30pm
106: Memulo says:

Thank you sirens for your help.

My problem is that even in his arms I think of someone else. Tonight it occurred to me that the someone I think about forgot about my existence by now and partially because I just shut up when he disappeared on me. I didn’t cause him any inconvenience, not even a text saying he is a liar. As if I never existed or dont matter or even had someone else on the side and dont care.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 11:42pm
107: MovingMagic says:

I had a date on the dance floor tonight. The dancing was HOT! I feel like I’m getting closer (to myself) and in doing so I’m drawing more & more people to me with similar life styles, creative interests, passions, & zest for life. It feels amazing, magical, warm…and so right!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:05am
108: Daria says:

Body writhing kundalini transformation growing like the tree the hulk was no joke the weed feed me n I thrive constant meditation got my mind the help she needs to suck out every rice grain of tension from my heart

Releasing memories of forgotten sex abuse n crying on knees n living

To where reality is what I want n my feelings flow healing me spontaneously

The men love me . Security man is back. All men gifting and adoring me

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:29am
109: Indigo says:

I feel as if I’ve hit a difficult point in my healing. I know this because I feel all vulnerable. I feel a bit alone, unsure, confused and a bit panicky.

I breathe through it and go for a walk, and it dissipates a bit. And it’s not nearly as intense as it once was. There actually are good feelings underneath it. But I don’t know how to reassure myself.

I feel anxious and afraid today, and a bit cross.

I don’t really know what to do.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:30am
110: Tam says:

((((Indigo))))

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:43am
111: Memulo says:

Indigo, it will pass. Uncertainty is normal, no one has the answers, or not for long;)

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:51am
112: Tam says:

I had a major lapse last night.
I feel like I am confessing to mancrack anonymus and I also feel like I am actually mad. Crazy.

All it took was this comment from a friend:
‘I don’t understand why you and MrP are not getting it together. I mean, this has been going on for years now. He doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life, does he? You can’t find anyone who ever matches up, and neither can he, else he wouldn’t be asking you on skiing holidays and contacting you all the time. I just don’t get it. Speak to him and ask him what he wants and ask him what the problem is here, because I just don’t get it. Nobody does!! You have to talk to him’.

Ok. So this is the most unsireny Lady ever, though she got married lately (so it worked for her, haha).
Of course I am not going to talk to MrP, because the whole thing is done and dusted – if he wanted me he’d be making it clear or at least try to see me in person and stepping up. I just got so triggered by the comment because I feel like what she says, it kind of hit me in the heart and yet – there is nothing I can do anymore. After 2 1/2 years, I have tried to live my own life, I have tried to date others, I have leant back, leant forward, tried to talk, write, been a pseudo gf, a FWB, a best friend. We’ve done it all.
What else is there to say? I also just want to shake him and say ‘come on!!!!’.
But of course, I can’t and won’t. Because he doesn’t work like that and I don’t either.
I am just so sick and tired of it.
I cried all night but more out of anger that this situation is still swirling in my head. And out of anger that such a comment from my friend spun me out of control.
I feel lost, really.
Really, really lost.
Hopeless.
Today is another day and I just woke up feeling flat and resigned and thought ‘yep, it’s a nice day, must do something nice for myself’.
And then my only work success in January just fell through, so I pretty much worked a whole month for nothing.
It’s ok, but I run low on energy.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:51am
113: Memulo says:

My cd treats me so well. He always shows me a lot of attention and affection. He reassures me in his willingness to be with me constantly.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:53am
114: Tam says:

oh and she also said that she thinks we are both crazy because she has never seen two people so compatible with intellect, interests, and so attracted to each other that they can’t let go for years…..and yet not get it together. I got even more mad.
I got totally mad in my head. I managed to keep it together in the restaurant and just nod and say ‘yes, I know, yes I know, yes, I know. Let’s change the subject please’. But it all came out when I got home.
Urgh.
What a mess.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:56am
115: Memulo says:

Tam have you tried to make a tough decision? I wasn’t following your story enough, but if you feel you’ve expressed what you want with him (the talk like your friend suggested) if you really think you’ve done it and nothing changed, have you tried to cut him off completely? Because I think that texting and keeping in touch may work more or less well for him if he is afraid to commit, but not for you.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:58am
116: Tam says:

Focus back on me today. Try to recover some work losses, some mental sanity losses…and so on.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:59am
117: Tam says:

109. Memulo, sigh, I know.
I just don’t know anymore.
It would be so silly to cut it off as our lives are kind of intertwined with various friends also.
And I don’t want to.
I realise it would be the best thing to do probably.
I just don’t know.
He always finds a way to contact me, even if I tell him not to….I could just try to not answer ever, and he would get bored I guess.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:01am
118: Memulo says:

Tam I’ve seen cases with high compatibility and attraction that led to nothing, because it’s not enough. You have to be able or at least willing to sustain a relationship. Do not accept anything less than that. It’s not that hard for him to try, he knows he is not doing it, it’s his conscious choice. Think about it

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:03am
119: Tam says:

Plus, yes, I have expressed what I want and that I don’t want to be friends and blah blah blah….and he stays away for a bit and then forgets…I guess he forgets what I said, or ignores it or just tests the waters to see if I’m still open.
The stupid thing here is that I could probably have a relationship with him, as long as nobody mentions the words ‘relationship’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’ and so on. Well, it was never good enough for me. I don’t want to be the inofficial companion. That was the big thing that drove us apart.
And I don’t feel like budging on it, because it would just leave me very insecure, although I know he wouldn’t ‘cheat’ or whatever else…
I would always think ‘what’s wrong with me?’
Because he had girlfriends before…and he has committed to them. So I would always be left thinking ‘why not to me, why not?’
It would drive me crazy.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:08am
120: Memulo says:

He knows he is not losing you completely, he can keep in touch and postpone ‘the decision’ for later. He’s old enough and danced this dance many times, don’t you think? Never commited to anyone? Sorry to be so tough on you.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:08am
121: Ulii says:

(((((((((Tam)))))))))

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:10am
122: Tam says:

112, well amongst his many issues is that he has an attachment problem. It’s not quite that straight forward. He pushes or pulls and also, he gets extremely clingy at times, like totally insecure when I needed to leave his house, he would not want to let me go and freak.He would freak when I went to the bathroom because he thought I would leave.
So….ermmm..well.
The guy has some real problems, which doesn’t help.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:12am
123: Tam says:

114 Memulo, he has ‘committed’ to people that were unavailable, i e still married or whatever. Go figure

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:13am
124: Memulo says:

This already drives you crazy and you’re not even getting much out of it, i. e. no spending time together and enjoying each others company

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:15am
125: Tam says:

Sigh. Well, I thought I was over it.
Guess I am not.
That’s what I really care about, who cares what he does.
I care about me and I don’t like this.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:17am
126: Memulo says:

Tam did you read the book Men Who Can’t Love? It’s about commitmentphobics. It was very helpful to me in terms of recognizing the patterns, even if the actual events were different. The only way to fight it is not to be available to them unless it’s a relationship that satisfies you

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:19am
127: Tam says:

and THEN she said, my friend,: ‘you’d make the cutest couple ever’.
OMG. TRIGGERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
I am thinking of banning her from speaking about him. Something she has tried to get me to do. Now that I have stopped, she starts.
Never let friends undermine you, haha

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:21am
128: Ulii says:

@Tam

“Committing” to unavailables is really easy. I think MrP is terrified of intimacy. But you know it, don’t you?

I also believe these are just some lower energy days that sometimes happen.

More hugs!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:22am
129: CurvySiren10 says:

Turq-84…. sorry but I had to smile a bit at this. I don’t wanna generalize too much here, but for the most part, men will take a BJ no matter what else is going on. lol -He was single, you were single. If you were willing, he would SO take it. That has simply nothing to do with the fact that he’s happy for you and Sweetheart several weeks later. I really think sex is one of those “compartmental” things that guys do with ease. (Women- not so much…)

Good luck this weekend. Yeah, it’s pretty weird going away that way when you’re both in relationships. In fact, this triggers me hugely because of my own history with it, but if I take my own experience out of the equation, I can see where it could work fine and fun for your girls.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:23am
130: Tam says:

122 thank you Ulii..yes, I know it, I know him.
Pfff.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:25am
131: Tam says:

120 oh wow Memulo, nope never heard of the book.
The one big realisation and message I got from all this, quite some time ago, was that I too was afraid of intimacy..and I have really tried to read up on the subject and work through my own issues.
I realised that the theory is easy but in practice being open and authentic etc etc – is very hard for me.
So I guess he showed me something about myself, as well as introducing me to some lovely friends. I guess that was the message. Time to let go.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:28am
132: Memulo says:

Sirens do you think that me being silent after the unreturned phone call can be interpreted as not interested enough?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:48am
133: CurvySiren10 says:

Memulo, I think a man who wants you would be in touch with you, pursuing you, curious about you… I’m sorry but I don’t think it has anything to do with your silence.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:50am
134: Iamabutterfly says:

@93 Ulii – Thanks so much, Ulii. That was kind of a big “aha” moment for me, and it felt so great to have your support!

@89 Liquid Light – Thank you. It means a lot when I open my heart and make myself vulnerable to have recognition.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:54am
135: Ulii says:

@ Memulo

I agree with CurvySiren here.
In fact, he went silent first on you (if I understood correctly, that he didn’t take your call).. To me it seems you are beating yourself up too much. You, your feelings, your heart.. is all worth so much more and worth of being loved, protected and cherished, firstly by yourself and also by a man in your life. But what you say, leaves a feeling that the one who is more important here is him, his feelings & how he perceived things. We have to put ourselves first, we have to put our hearts first (I think FW posted here an extract fron CCareter that expressed that quite nicely too…)…
Are you maybe looking for some kind of closure from him? Why do you really need it?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:01am
136: Iamabutterfly says:

@42 Feminine Woman – For me personally, a man is offlimits if he has a girlfriend. I’ve only recently learned that men view relationships very differently from women. (ie: if they are not married, they are single, even if they have a girlfriend.)

Guys with girlfriends are a personal trigger for me. Maybe because of my fear of intimacy, I can only feel safe with a “taken” man, because that’s less scary to me.

I have fallen deeply in love with a man when he had a girlfriend. I didn’t mean to, of course, but it just happened. I think he loved me too. But love doesn’t mean anything to me, if you are not willing to let go of your “insurance plan” and take a chance on me.

I don’t want to be any guys “insurance plan.”
I want to be THE ONLY PLAN.

I feel sad.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:14am
137: Ulii says:

((((lama))))

For me the man is offlimits if he has a gf too. It shows me he is not capable of loyality, or is too confused to know what he really wants or too afraid to go after it, or just too comfortable and want to have all that he gets out of women without choosing & committing to one. And that to me eventually shows he is still not a real man, but a “-man-boy” or a coward. However cute he might be and how much attraction there would be with him… he´s still an unavailable guy to be there for me fully or to love me and give me the relationship I want.
And I always tend to imagine myself in his gf’s place and feel bad for her too.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:30am
138: Dominique says:

Iamabutterfly – 130 – I don’t think this is true. I don’t even think most men think they are single if they have a girlfriend.

You might ask yourself where this belief comes from and look for ways to shift this.

In all my years of dating and being in relationships, not one of the men I was with thought this way or felt this way.

I do think dating a man with a gf is treading on dangerous territory. The chances of being hurt are high. I feel strongly that one needs to finish up with former business before taking up with another.

Though a separated man who is in the process of divorce though depending on his circumstances, could be okay.

I was still married when K and I got together though the papers had been filed and the emotional connection was long dead. And this worked very well, as you know.

xxoo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:38am
139: Tam says:

131 Ulii, ditto. Feeling exactly the same.
It’s like going for a married man. So when you finally have him, will you be able to trust that he doesn’t run off with the next best thing?
No.
I have seen it in my own family. My Dad broke the marriage for another woman..she was the mistress, now the wife. Consequently she has eyes everywhere, my poor Dad is hardly allowed to go to the grocery store by himself.
That’s what happens.
I would not like a man who has a girlfriend, particularly a live-in one. It’s bad karma too. That could be me one day. Nah.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:38am
140: Ulii says:

This last summer I had a short 4-day affaire with a friend who I felt madly attracted to. And he had a long distance gf then. I knew it was not something right to do, but I let the situation (I went to visit him in another country + we went camping to a naturally amazing & isolated place) and my needs for affection & beautiful words get to me and I let myself go for that moment´s passion.
But after that he didn’t leave his gf (with whom according to him he didn´t feel good & had nothing in common) and wanted us to be in regular contact by skype & chat and for me to go to visit him again…
So I ended up feeling just like a virtual FWB, although he was telling me I´m his soulmate. But the truth was, he liked his life like that: having a long distance gf, and by side having me (and maybe more girls) as his “friend” or soulmate and occasional sex partner.
I felt bad in such setting and cut contact with him, saying “Write me when you are single again.” as I decided I love myself too much for accepting to continue like that.
He is still sending me texts “Miss you”. etc. But there’s no action there. And for now I already don´t care. I just send a friendly answer “Hope you´re fine too.” And that´s it.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:43am
141: Femininewoman says:

Memulo RE 126. In my humble opinion it could. I have more than once felt tempted to ask you why don’t you just contact him and get over him. The thing is he might just blow you off because he obviously was not invested. Plus here you are pining away for him so there would be nothing in your vibe that would inspire him. He would likely feel desperation coming from you rather than a rockstar vibe. I know this is not what you want to hear but go deep inside yourself and see what place you would coming from and what it is that you would want from him. Obviously it is a relationship you want because he has demonstrated materially that he has the means to take care of you. This part of attraction is built in to our biological instinct.

With all this wanting and pull towards him he would definitely feel it. With Valentine’s day on the horizon I imagine that he would be suspicious of your contact. Frankly speaking if I were him, I am not convinced I would take your call.

That said I have read this response from Rori to someone else:-

Tammi – you’re in a good position here. You’re in a small town – won’t you run into him? If not, you have nothing to lose by contacting him and inviting him somewhere as a “friend.” Then tell him you’ve got a coach, and you don’t want exclusivity, but you’re dating and would like to date him as well if he’s still interested….if not…let it go. (I know, easy to say…) Love, Rori

I am not sure if it is applicable to your situation. However, as you will note it is dependent on whether the man is interested. My sense based on what you have been writing, the place you are in is that you want something from him. You want to convince him that he should be with you. You want to convince him that he should love you. Unfortunately emotions are emotions, they are not logical. They just are and nothing you say can make him love if he doesn’t. The bottom line is that the man is still married, isn’t he? What can he realistically offer you while he is not really single? Also do you really believe a man who is fresh out of a bad marriage and not crashing his boat on your island will throw caution to the wind to settle with you or any other woman immediately? Taking into consideration how much he will be losing in a divorce.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:44am
142: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel fine with a guy wanting to CD. but if you have a gf, to me, that says, you are moving towards a commitment, wanting her all to yourself. which is a trap, as Rori Raye believes.

I feel a little guilty, as I feel like I use the idea of CDing as an insurance plan.

I usually have a favorite (even though no dates actually take place. cough cough cough cough cough) and then the other guys that I “keep my heart open to, (even though, again, dates rarely take place. cough cough cough cough cough) and these other guys who aren’t necessarily my favorite are my insurance plans.

I feel so icky…

I need to make peace with this, somehow…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:47am
143: Iamabutterfly says:

@132 Dominique – You are such an angel! Your insight makes so much sense and is so comforting, as always. Thank you so so much. I’ve really got some issues to heal.

I feel scared and excited to heal these issues.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:49am
144: Iamabutterfly says:

I think it’s only “a trap,” though, because people with commitment issues usually become extremely frightened of making the real commitment of marriage, especially as it “looms closer.” By a woman (or a man, for that matter) keeping his or her options open while the commitment phoebe person “wakes up and realizes how much he/she cares and doesn’t want to lose bf/gf” he or she is keeping his or her self-esteem/sanity in tact.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:53am
145: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel like “fear of commitment” is definitely a male stereo type.

Supposedly, men are the ones who are more scared of commitment.

I wonder if this stereo-type didn’t spring from women who were of the “pushy persuasion.”

My experience has been that “I” am almost always the one who gets scared of commitment.

I guess when anyone “pushes too hard” the other party is going to resist.

so, when men are the ones heavily pursuing, the women resist, while if women are the ones heavily pursuing, men resist.

i’ve read this somewhere…

What happens when we stop resisiting?
Marriage?
haha.

I have this belief that women should always be the ones resisting.

Men SHOULD be the pursuers.

I look at women who have done the pursuing, and I judge them.

I hate them.

Probably because a woman came in and stole the man I loved from me.

I don’t like all the subtle sneakiness that takes place when people are “in relationships” but not “committed.”

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:00am
146: Mercedes says:

Iama: J has a girlfriend (me… ) and he doesn’t feel this way at all: “I’ve only recently learned that men view relationships very differently from women. (ie: if they are not married, they are single, even if they have a girlfriend.)”

When people ask us if we’re married we usually respond with “We are happily in love”. We’re not married, but we’re certainly not single and neither of us feels single at all.

Turquoise: I think you have the perfect offer here. If I were his girlfriend, I’d feel a lot more comfortable and secure knowing you were there in a different room with your boyfriend. I’d take him up on the offer if I were you.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:15am
147: Dominique says:

Iamabutterfly – 139 – When you stop resisting, everything has the the opportunity to flow. This doesn’t mean giving in though. It means allowing clarity to grow.

xxoo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:19am
148: Mercedes says:

I don’t think most men who don’t want to get married are afraid of commitment either. “Not married” doesn’t equal “not committed” in my view.

You can be very committed and not have a legal agreement binding you. I realize lots of people want that legality and I think that’s really great for them but for those of us who don’t need anything like that, we are still very, very committed.

Not having the same last name and not having our assets combined for legal purposes does not mean we are not committed and does not mean we have a fear of commitment. It really just means we feel no need to get married.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:20am
149: Femininewoman says:

Tam – I am partially in agreement with your friend.

You have to talk to him – is good advice to really deal with your fear of intimacy. I see Rori encourage women to do this. If and when he contacts you about holidays and doing things I would ask him what he sees for us, why is it that he is constantly contacting you though you are not together. Maybe what he thinks might have gone wrong between you why things didn’t work out.

Stick to your guns about what you want and I would keep bringing up the topic. You are not asking him for anything, you are sharing your dreams for your life. It is my belief that women who “gets it” know that deep down men want real relationships. They know that men want to deeply connect with a woman. So they allow him when he comes toward them and then let them go when they move away. It is wired in their genes to seek connection.

Truly I don’t believe he forgot anything. I believe everytime he thinks of you he thinks of you as the forever girl. In other words “if I want to be with her I have to offer her the whole kit and kaboodle”. Just that he might be still a little scared. I believe if you are truly honest with yourself you will admit that you are a bit hardedged, prickly and jaded. Men are loyal and with all that he is still loyal to you. Keep telling him specifically what you want until you get to the place where you don’t care if he gives you or not but you can say it softly and warmly so he feels safe. Maybe tell him to imagine himself in a relationship where he feels supported by his greatest fan, appreciated for all the things he does and respected for the great man who he is. Tell him to imagine how that would feel and let him know that is what you want for yourself which is the reason you are voting for yourself. Allow yoruself to feel what you feel and speak from those feelings. Let him know you feel disappointed that you don’t talk as often as you used to and that you miss feeling him close. Men open their hearts to love when they feel safe and feel respected. As you feel comfortable sharing your feelings he will feel safe to share his. I would keep doing it every time he comes towards me, especially if I don’t card.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:21am
150: Tam says:

I am only resistant to commitment when I feel hesitant about the man, like he is not the one for me. Or when I need more time to get to know him.

Leads me to think that men might feel similarly.
I believe when a man wants me, he will commit to me and he will offer it first.
That’s how it always happened.
MrP doesn’t want me. Get a grip, Tam

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:22am
151: CurvySiren10 says:

…and there are those who DO get married and still don’t combine names or finances- or even residences. Yep, “Living Apart Together”. An actual Census category! I’m going to write a book on this someday.

Relationships don’t have a static set of rules to abide by. We can define them any way we want and so long as it works for the couple involved, what is the issue?

Some men have girlfriends and VERY MUCH consider themselves “taken”; others do not. It’s one of those case-by-case things in my opinion. You’ve really gotta stay curious to know where each person is with this stuff.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:24am
152: Iamabutterfly says:

I am resistant to commitment when I feel unsure of myself.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:26am
153: Iamabutterfly says:

Thanks for your input, ladies. I feel so unbelievably triggered and want to get to the bottom of my feelings…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:26am
154: Femininewoman says:

My mind keeps drifting to coco kisses and wondering about how she is doing.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:27am
155: Tam says:

Thank you FW, that was a sweet post and probably quite accurate.
I just run out of energy because I have stated my needs…you know?
And it seems my words just get brushed aside and he tries time and time again to get as much out of me as he can with as little commitment as possible.
Which I don’t blame him for at all. I think I was doing the same to Curly…actually.
Trying to get fun and feel loved etc, without having to accept him as my bf.
Perhaps that is human nature?
I can keep stating my boundaries again and again…even though I really don’t think it makes much of a difference.
Yes, I am prickly and jaded..though not so much in interactions with MrP. They were mainly lighthearted and fun lately. Now I realised how that actually probably backfired…it was ok for a bit and then started feeling bad.
Sigh.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:28am
156: Femininewoman says:

MrP doesn’t want me.- Really Tam?

From what I have read, I am under the impression that you kicked him out because he did not agree with the label girlfriend.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:29am
157: Iamabutterfly says:

“I was never the little girl who dreamed about a wedding or a big white dress. (that’s so me!) I don’t think I’m sour on marriage. I just don’t know if I’m the type.

“Marriage seems scary to me. I’m in a serious relationship. We have a dog together. We live five minutes from each other. It’s heaven. I think that might be the key: separate houses, separate bank accounts. Why mess with that?”

- Krysten Ritter

Honestly, her relationship sounds like a dream to me. Separate houses, separate bank accounts? But you can still be together?

It would feel so great to be able to afford my own home, without the “assistance” of a man.

I don’t know anyone who describes marriage as easy. But I know plenty who describe it as “worth it.”

feeling so confused…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:30am
158: Femininewoman says:

They were mainly lighthearted and fun lately – but is this how you authentically felt on a deeper level? What was truly going on below that?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:31am
159: Mercedes says:

CurvySiren10: “Living Apart Together” – This is what I thought I would want for myself forever. I changed and my relationship changed into something different than that but I sooooo get the concept.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:32am
160: Tam says:

Actually, your comment made me cry now FW.
It’s so nice.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:32am
161: Iamabutterfly says:

People tell me I look like Krysten Ritter too…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:32am
162: Tam says:

152 FW, yes, I did truly feel it was fun and lighthearted – at first. Perhaps I forgot to dig deeper into my feelings?
I then realised that there was more to it. Sigh.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:35am
163: Tam says:

..as it went on for a few days

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:35am
164: Mercedes says:

This was J and I EXACTLY until I finally made the move to actually live with him and give up having my own place. I don’t regret moving in at all, but this was really great too for the place we were in at the time:

“I’m in a serious relationship. We have a dog together. We live five minutes from each other.”

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:36am
165: Dominique says:

Iamabutterfly – My marriage IS easy as was the ten years together prior. It was ME and what I was working on which felt difficult. Now ALL of it is easy, flowy in all ways.

xxoo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:36am
166: Dominique says:

Miss M – But what it took you to get to that place!!! lol

xxoo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:37am
167: Femininewoman says:

I think MrP is terrified of intimacy – I think women are more terrified of intimacy than men are.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:37am
168: Femininewoman says:

Tam I wonder what giving up resisting yourself about the Mr. P issue would look like?

Sometimes I get the sense that you put on the tough girl exterior to convince us and maybe yourself that you are over him.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:40am
169: Tam says:

161. FW, he is and I am too.
He knows it. I know it.
Yet, awareness is just one step.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:40am
170: Mercedes says:

Oh yes Dominique…Nothing I have with J came easily for either of us. BUT…we’re here now and we’ve been sailing smoothly for many years….YAY us!!!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:40am
171: Tam says:

162..well, FW, I thought I was!!
That’s the silly bit. I really thought I was!!
Turns out, I am not.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:41am
172: CurvySiren10 says:

Mercedes, the thing is that “Living Apart Together” can mean so many things. It can mean living together and not being married or sharing finances (like you do) or it can mean what Krysten Ritter has (5 mins apart, sharing a dog) or it can mean being married but choosing not to share names or finances or residences, but be 100% totally committed. (my situation)

Point being– relationships are for the two people in them to design, to live, to feel comfortable with.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:41am
173: Tam says:

It’s frustrating, you know?
I feel very frustrated.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:41am
174: Mercedes says:

CurvySiren10: I completely agree. I have one thing now, I had what Kristen has a few years ago and I wanted what you have for many years while I was married. I so agree…something is out there for each of us and those needs and desires can change and…yay for being humans…we can adjust to whatever we want whenever that time is right for us.

I LOVE it!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:45am
175: Iamabutterfly says:

(((((Tam)))) I know the feeling.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:45am
176: Femininewoman says:

So am I Tam. Last night I had a dream about my most recent ex. Someone I deeply respect and wish we could get back together. I dreamt I was at his house. I went upstairs to use his bathroom, and hanging like on a line running up the stairs were women’s underwear. He was in the bathroom, seemingly with No 2 on his back and the door was opened so he saw me. He was embarassed and sheepish as he came down the stairs later, with the woman’s underwear brushing against him, telling me that I could have used the bathroom downstairs. I don’t know what the dream means but it is a reminder that I am still in love with him though I have tried to put him in a small place in the very back of my heart. It is also a reminder that he might be in a relationship with another woman, though I don’t like to think about that. Silly me. I still sent him a little blessing this morning hoping that he is happy, whatever it is that is happening in his life.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:48am
177: Femininewoman says:

I sent the blessing through the ether.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:49am
178: Tam says:

170 ((((FW)))) sigh.
I also have dreams like that about MrP occasionally though not often now. Urgh.
I keep saddling up the donkey to trot on, I suppose.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:51am
179: CurvySiren10 says:

I love your vibe today FW. Feels very soft, very open, very wise.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:53am
180: Tam says:

One thing I know for sure. I can’t keep dating and going out with men, even starting relationships and then get frustrated with them because they are not MrP. That feels so silly.
Yet, that’s what has been happening.
I mean, really.
I almost said it to Curly’s face on Sunday.
‘My ex would never ever have done that, Curly.’
It was on the tip of my tongue. And all the way home I was bawling my eyes out, not because Curly had behaved that way, just because I knew MrP would have handled the situation totally differently and with respect for me and having my back…
and I felt so stupid.
Pfff.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:55am
181: Tam says:

173, ditto CS, FW is very inspiring.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:57am
182: ruth says:

the vibe on here feels generally very open today
And a bit vulnerable

or maybe thats just me projecting

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:00am
183: Femininewoman says:

Thanks Curvy. I am learning from all the wonderful women here.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:03am
184: Tam says:

Mancrack anonymous confession of the day:

I have been dating men, I have had a 6 month relationship…a couple of almost relationships…etc etc over the last 2 years…all the while this MrP thing went on. I dated them to get over it….and I ‘punished’ them for not being him. I sabotaged the relationship eloping with MrP every weekend my bf had his kids. I had no bad conscience because I knew who I wanted to be with.
Did dating/sleeping with/being romanced by other guys help me get over MrP?
NO. The opposite happened, actually. They never measured up.
I need to find another way. Clearly.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:07am
185: Femininewoman says:

RE 174 Tamn maybe something to share with Mr.P about how you appreciate the way he treats/treated you. The secret about appreciation is that it is recognition and men feel cherished when their actions are appreciated. You obviously did something right to bring him. The part to figure out I believe is how to make him stay forever. I believe your path will become clearer, even if you end up with another man.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:07am
186: Lori says:

Tam 178. That’s how I kind of feel. I’ve been CDing but I realized I’m comparing everyone to K. They don’t measure up. I’m still going to keep doing it though because it still helps me to feel good. I need to practice opening my heart to others.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:09am
187: Femininewoman says:

I sabotaged the relationship eloping with MrP every weekend my bf had his kids – hugs (((((((((Tam))))). No one is perfect. Maybe the challenge then is to get him to a place where he sees/feels you as more than a fling?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:10am
188: Femininewoman says:

I need to practice opening my heart to others.

Me too. And most of all to myself.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:11am
189: Tam says:

179 FW, it’s true. I always have though, expressed my gratitude when he did something and my appreciation – and I know that this, together with opening up at times and the feeling messages, has brought him closer. Alas, never for long and never lasting. But yes, it all helps to practice for my man when and if he shows up. Whoever it may be. Sigh.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:12am
190: Tam says:

181..FW, and that is where I am stumped, because I feel resigned and that I already tried my best. You know?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:13am
191: Femininewoman says:

Got this in my mailbox. It is a piece of an email

How to Eliminate these Triggers and Establish a Deep Emotional Connection…

The good news is that you can uncover what these triggers are (for BOTH of you) and set the stage for both of you to plant, nurture, and harvest new feelings of love and intimacy.

Here’s exactly what you do:

First, think of a few actions you know set him off. Be specific. You know what they are, if you dig deep enough – you use a “tone,” you make a face, you have a specific phrase you say when discussing a touchy subject, whatever.

And when you use any of these things, you get a negative response out of him. Write those down now and remember them.

Second, go straight to the source: ask him what you do that sets off his emotional firebombs. But don’t get defensive…let him have his say…just listen.

He may feel reluctant at first to share, or maybe he’s not even aware that there might be something specific linked to his going off. Regardless, after you begin compiling your list, here is what you do…

Avoid those words or actions at ALL COSTS.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:15am
192: Tam says:

Lori, good for you, really. I think CDing is great. I have been doing it for more than 2 years now and I am not advocating stopping it when it makes you feel good.
It doesn’t make me feel so good right now. At this time it feels a bit like some unpleasant chore to me.
So I cancelled my internet dating and everything.
Prob a temporary frustration. Don’t know.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:16am
193: Femininewoman says:

Just in case anyone is interested in trying this:-

http://www.meltyourmansheart.com/special/trial-stand?utm_source=internal&utm_medium=email&utm_content=day-12&utm_campaign=free-report-conversion-series

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:17am
194: Lori says:

Tam, one thing I’m learning is that we have to do what makes US feel good and what’s right for us. I totally get where you are coming from. I miss K a lot and this feels really weird in some aspects. I think because I know my heart isn’t available to anyone else. So it feels like I’m not being fair to anyone else.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:18am
195: Annie says:

174.
Hugs Tam.
I believe this is why Rori suggests cding more that two, to not get invested or hung up on any one individual then. Do you think that would help?

“‘My ex would never ever have done that, Curly.’”
How did whatever the ‘behavior that Curly did make you feel Tam?
Do you feel able to reverse the energy?
Focusing on how that behavior made you feel and what you do and don’t want? Rather than the individual man?
Do you feel able to process how that made you feel and follow those feelings?
Until you come out the other side knowing if it is tolerable for you, to see and hear the message or if it is something you don’t want to tolerate and is a deal breaker is it something you want in your life or not?
Are you able to let it go?
Or is it intolerable to you?
We have no control over others behavior and life choices.
We do have control over if we want to tolerate and have that in our lives unless we are in a real helpless situation like with a parents when we are children, or in a hostage situation etc.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:23am
196: Tam says:

I was kind of contemplating going cold Turkey and just not answering to any contact attempts anymore.
But it’s kind of unrealistic, as we do have common friends and next month there is a likely overlap of people/socialising.
I think it would feel best to go with FW’s suggestion and just keep open and reiterating my wants and needs, when/if he gets into contact.
I will keep hearing the same thing, but at least it feels more authentic than hiding.
All that can happen is what happened anyway, him responding that we want different things and he would like to be fwb’s or whatever.
Big deal, I heard it before, so whatever.
I shall try to be authentic and open.
Even if it is a huge effort.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:26am
197: Tam says:

189 Annie, no. At this point it does not help me anymore. I was CDing for two years, multiple people, exclusively, I was even in a relationship..and still CDing platonically.
I am sorry to say it helped to distract me momentarily but other than that – nope.
In fact, it made me home in on what I am missing.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:28am
198: Lori says:

Tam 191, again, I totally get what you’re saying.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:30am
199: Tam says:

yes, agreed on the Curly situation..it was a general observance in what I want/don’t want in a man.
Just so happens that MrP has those traits. Not saying that other men don’t.
For sure they do.
We just clicked on many levels…and it’s not that easy to find, not to say it’s impossible but out of experience…well, it happened to me once before. I am nearly 40. Just sayin.
I haven’t given up hope, not at all. But I don’t believe CDing like crazy is helping me now because it’s not fun for me at this time. And it doesn’t make me feel good. So why do it.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:31am
200: Tam says:

how timely, an email from Rori ‘say no to friends with benefits’..cool

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:33am
201: Lori says:

lol!! I just got it too Tam. I do have a FWB but I really don’t want more with him. We are great friends and both of us are content to leave it at that. We weren’t FWBs while I was with K.

I couldn’t have that with K. I would like a future with him.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:36am
202: Tam says:

yeah, well, I could have been FWB with Curly I suppose…meh….but he wanted more… And I didn’t want to risk getting attached either, since he isn’t for me really.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:40am
203: Starla says:

I wonder what happened with Memulo… I felt so worried and like crying when I saw her saying she didn’t want to sleep with him. Don’t do it then! omg! please!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:45am
204: Lori says:

Hey ladies, yesterday was beyond a crazy and stressful day with work. The upside was that I didn’t have time to think about K. Thinking about him a lot today and “feeling” him.

I’m realizing that I feel more anxious when I’m overly tired (too much work) and when it’s been a few days since I’ve heard from him. But…I do know that time is different for men.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:47am
205: Femininewoman says:

From Rori’s email today:-

I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven’t taken care of myself. I can’t handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can’t be your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don’t call me again, or come over.”

And if he DOES call, or shows up at your home, I suggest strongly that you hang up the phone, slam the door before he says ANYTHING. If you need protection, call the police.

Yes – I’m totally serious here. You are – and I’m going to start a series about this, because I use this harsh terminology with my clients all the time since it’s very helpful to see it from this perspective – you are a JUNKIE.

He’s like the needle you can’t wait to stick in your arm. You’re giving him your body, your heart, your friendship. And for what? For the thrill he gives you when he’s with you.

Same with heroin. It makes you high, and then it destroys your life. But you can’t let go of wanting the “fix.” He’s your “fix.”

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:48am
206: Femininewoman says:

Email was about saying No to FWB

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:48am
207: Lori says:

Wow, great email! Go Rori!

I would never be okay with a FWB relationship with K. Not happening. I’d go cold turkey first.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:50am
208: Smile says:

Hi sirens!!

I’ve been doing really well with making myself less available which has me feeling fab fab fab!
I have been leaving my phone in the kitchen and not having it with me so much. This way i feel totally relaxed around ‘not waiting’ for amb cd to text. Actually I’ve got 4 messages to reply to from today whilst I’ve been at work.

I feel totally relaxed and amazing, building a connection and enjoying the journey of getting to know him.
It feels amazing to receive from him, he even pulls my chair out at the dining table in the dining room for me to sit down for tea

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:00am
209: Starla says:

Last night I scrubbed my bathtub very shiny! I love looking at it. I love how it feels to have a “maid-clean” house. Although, I’M the maid, hehe. But it feels so… well, “abundant.” Cleanliness feels wealthy to me.

Then I started decluttering the closet. I took pictures of the stuffed animals my bfs from the past gave me, so I can remember them but still give them away to goodwill. I can’t wait to get home and declutter some more!

And so many opportunities to make money are coming my way! This morning, my favorite department store invited me to do another market research study for a gift card to the store. Soon I will be able to go on a free shopping spree!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:05am
210: Starla says:

i really did almost go through with the 800 dollar research study. but then i decided i didn’t want to sell my tissues or take medications for cash. at least not without children to feed, which I don’t have.

surely the universe has infinite opportunities for me, and I don’t need to let my fear push me into something i’m not comfortable with on a medical level.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:09am
211: Smile says:

I’ve not read back on the blog to see what happened but Starla yes I too hope memulo went with how she felt.

I didn’t sleep with amb cd for as long as I wasn’t ready. A respectful man will have no problem if you say your not reading for a sexual relationship and you enjoy their company but it would feel great spending time getting to know each other first.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:11am
212: Rebecca says:

125: Dominique:

From the last thread…

Rebecca – Can you do something which feels good for you and to you? Meditation, specialized meditation, a hot bath, a yoga class, anything?

This mindset didn’t develop overnight and may take some time to unwind. Awareness and desire are the jumpstarts which you have in spades.

xxoo

Thanks Dominique! Yes, I am trying meditation and I am exercise.

Yes, I agree about the mindset too.

Sometimes I just find it all overwhelming.. I’m scared of failing I guess.

But also sometimes when I’m doing well I get smug which then turns into lazy and then sloppy if you know what I mean.

I guess it’s about keeping myself in check?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:11am
213: Starla says:

Totally, QZ was 100% willing to wait till i felt comfortable. Even if it tooks months and months.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:18am
214: Starla says:

Rebecca,
“But also sometimes when I’m doing well I get smug which then turns into lazy and then sloppy if you know what I mean.”

Me too! Better to do it as a ritual and not medicine. I’m working on it!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:21am
215: Memulo says:

FW, on my cell I don’t see post numbers, so not sure what you’re referring to as my post 126. Is it my question on whether my silence looks like indifference?
I feel scared to contact him, also because it’s been 4 months. Maybe I could try earlier but I felt insulted unloved and scared then too. I hate to accept the convincing role. I’m scared hexes still with the girl he left me for, hence he completely removed his profile from the dating site and I don’t want to humiliate myself and hear it from him. All together, I want it all and not willing to make any effort, I know;) And a miracle is not happening

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:29am
216: Memulo says:

Also not sure what you mean by him taking care of me. He is obviously not:(

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:32am
217: Annie says:

Femininewomansays:

“Email was about saying No to FWB”

Feels so apt for that e mail t appear now and for you to post that FW.

Tam what do you think of the e mail?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:33am
218: Annie says:

reagarding Mr P.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:34am
219: Starla says:

Memulo, what happened? did you send your CD home?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:37am
220: Annie says:

191: Tam says:

“189 Annie, no. At this point it does not help me anymore. I was CDing for two years, multiple people, exclusively, I was even in a relationship..and still CDing platonically.
I am sorry to say it helped to distract me momentarily but other than that – nope.
In fact, it made me home in on what I am missing.”

I don’t think it can help without all the processing and resting in between too Tam.
Otherwise yes I can see it is just another way of distracting. X

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:38am
221: Annie says:

Reading that back I can see how that may come across as a criticism, which is not what I mean, as I believe if you feel Cding isn’t working for you at the moment that you should pull back and rest process Tam until you feel in a better place and that you are the one that really knows what is best for you.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:41am
222: Memulo says:

No Starla I didn’t send him home. I behaved like everything is alright

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:42am
223: Tam says:

211, Annie, MrP isn’t my friends with benefits.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:43am
224: Smile says:

62: Liquid Light says:

Femininewoman 42: yeah, I hear you…sometimes its a bit more complicated and not so black and white but still its not a great situation to get in the middle of IMHO

I had a good friend of mine’s boyfriend come on to me. They are living together. This felt pretty awful. The moral of the story is: don’t live with anyone until you are married. I think if you do, it sends a signal to the man that you are okay with the situation and being faithful, exclusive and committed is not that important to you.

I always promised myself after living with my last long term partners that I would want to wait till I was married. Well I have TOTALLY changed my perspective around this recently. Strummingman did want to marry me, we weren’t engaged when we moved in but that was the plan… So i guess just because marriage is on the cards or has been spoken about doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Also my biggest change in perspective is that actually living together can be a commitment to 2 people. I’m not sure I want to be married anymore…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:46am
225: Starla says:

Memulo, sorry if this is me stepping over the line with you, but i really really wonder why you chose to be inauthentic and fake over honoring what you were really feeling. It’s basically abusive to yourself. I won’t ask you why you do that like it’s some innocent question on my part, but I hope you put some thought and heart into asking yourself.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:47am
226: Annie says:

It appeared to me like that is what he was offering you and you walked away, but he is still trying to keep you in his life re his emails and trying to get pics and have cybersex with you.

Apologies if I have that wrong.
You seemed to be in a bad place Re Mr P.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:49am
227: Annie says:

I feel a bit overwhelmed today reading sad stories and hearing people in bad places.

On here and in RL.
Hope everyone gets to a better feeling place soon, feel best go and take care of myself for a while now.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:52am
228: Starla says:

I am going to ask QZ for something — I want him to take my dining table and put it in his house. It’s cluttering up my closet. I never ask for things! Should be exciting! I’ll be back to report soon!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:53am
229: Memulo says:

Yes Starla, I answered this question for myself.

Btw, weren’t you scared that QZ is involved with someone when you called him? He had a gfriend earlier but you knew that they broke up?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:56am
230: Starla says:

actually, memulo, i feel embarrassed to say this, but i saw one of his sis’s friends on her fb page saying she was coming to visit someone with his name, and they all seemed so gushy and romantic… and … it was a DIFFERENT person with the same name. that they were all best friends with growing up. and i should have known, cuz i grew up with them.

turns out qz never moved on from me, not enough to sleep with anyone.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:59am
231: Starla says:

but yeah, i was definitely scared.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:07am
232: Memulo says:

I see Starla. Well it’s obviously not my case. What am I kidding myself about??

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:08am
233: Smile says:

Tam, I love what FW wrote to you in 143

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:11am
234: Memulo says:

I felt still even after 2-3 months that our bond is there and maybe stronger than theirs. But now it’s been too long, I feel that something is changing. If only she is more challenging than I was and she obviously is, I have no game. Plus he wanted someone younger and with no prospects of becoming a grandmother in early forties lol.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:14am
235: Tam says:

Well, Annie, I don’t know. Bad place or not.
Cybersex or not…well…
Friends with benefits, well, it never was/felt like that because I was taken out, courted etc etc when we didn’t have a sexual relationship also, even more so in fact. It’s complicated.
I feel tired. Of explaining. Of him. Of CDing.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:16am
236: Tam says:

Smile, I do like it too.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:17am
237: Starla says:

Memulo, you are out of control, girl. your thoughts are poison. i just keep asking myself why you hate yourself so much, and why you prefer self hate over self love. the things you say to put yourself down are …. i dunno, i don’t even have the words for it. dangerous, perhaps.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:19am
238: Iamabutterfly says:

“The human, on the other hand, has a way of
defending itself from such a life threatening realization. It simply separates the feeling which might have killed it, had it been experienced at a young age, from the memory of the incident. The memory is then buried (supressed) until the
human is more mature, physically and mentally, and is strong enough to bear the feelings which might have killed it when it was younger.

The problem arises from the fact that these feelings and memories are kept behind a tightly-locked door, which has a label saying, in effect, ‘touch this and you’ll die’.

So, even when the person is, in fact, physically and emotionally strong enough to endure the feelings which have been suppressed, and mentally developed enough to comprehend why an adult might act the way the parent(s) did, when the feeling begins to surface, it still brings up the message ‘touch this and you’ll die’.

Additionally, the person to whom these feelings are occurring still feels like the helpless, clueless child to which they occurred those many years ago. The adult mind and body give way to the self-perception that they are still young and vulnerable to the implications of these horrible feelings.”

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:36am
239: Indigo says:

Thank you Tam, and Memulo, so much. Xxx

I went for a walk when I got home from work, a thunder storm was breaking after a particularly hot day here in Africa, and as I walked, and breathed in the air, and watched some small birds of prey circling overhead, my calmness and contentment returned to me. All was right with the world again.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:36am
240: Lori says:

Indigo, that’s how I feel after I go hiking and climbing. I feel “centered” again.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:37am
241: Indigo says:

D sent me this beautiful song last night

(here is the link if anyone is interested)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAxKcW9w6BY

and it made me feel so soft and good after the day that I had yesterday.

But then today, I didn’t feel good, I missed him like crazy, and I felt angry. I wonder what it is about being at work that makes me feel a litle more vulnerable than usual.

I chatted to him, and I know he is *right* about this break. But him being right didn’t bring me any comfort. I miss him and I felt overwhelmed with mushy feelings. I am considering doing no contact for a week just for my own sanity.

Today made me realise the importance of being kind and gentle to myself.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:43am
242: Lori says:

I’m really struggling with wanting to reach out to him today. I do realize that it’s me feeling anxious. Work has been rough plus with trying to get the new business going. Ugh.

I really miss him. The last time I heard from him was Monday.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:50am
243: Femininewoman says:

Memulo – Plus he wanted someone younger and with no prospects of becoming a grandmother in early forties lol

Was this what he said Memulo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:50am
244: Femininewoman says:

Lori wanting to feel supported is a normal human need. We all like to have our biggest fans cheering us on. Wonder if you can find some other way to feel supported in your endeavours.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:52am
245: Starla says:

QZ hasn’t answered my text about the dining table yet, ahhh i feel anxious and triggered! asking for things is so hard for me.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:53am
246: Lori says:

FW 238, is that what it is? I’m thinking about it. I think you’re right, I’d like hear him say “it will be okay”. lol.

But, I am missing him. Hearing his voice, seeing his smile, hearing him laugh.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:54am
247: Indigo says:

Tam,

I’m only on comment 125 of the blog, so forgive me if there’s an update later on.

But, I’ve had the sense for a long time that you are not over Mr P, and have been dating and doing all these other things as a means to “pretend” you are over him. I get the sense of you as a bit of a “roll with the punches” kind of chick, and sort of laughing off things that hurt you, and I think you’re really cool, but have you ever tried just letting your guard down, with Mr P, with your friends about Mr P?

Just expressing how you really feel, authentically, to him even, the way you do with us, and giving your feelings a chance to move through, and then decide how you want to move forward? Instead of pretending that you are over him when you are not? I think being authentic may feel rather vulnerable for you but I think it could help.

Just a thought, and said with much love and support.

Xx

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 10:59am
248: Iamabutterfly says:

was researching abandonment issues, the whole article was extremely helpful to me:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/379969.html#comments

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:00am
249: Lori says:

Indigo 241,
What you said to Tam really struck a chord in me. I’m doing really well but I think it’s from sheer force of will. I have not been able to express to K how I’ve felt. I’ve acted like everything is okay, that I’m okay. I am but he did hurt me. That we haven’t met yet to talk, only adds to my feelings of putting them on the backburner. There is always something more that I have to do, work on, etc. I’ve worked on leaning back and giving him space and releasing him.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:05am
250: Indigo says:

oh *chuckle*

Now I see FW said almost the same things as me to you, Tam, at 162.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:13am
251: Indigo says:

Lori 234

Yeah today I just wanted to keep walking until I fell off the end of the earth.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:15am
252: Amy says:

Ladies, I need some ASAP advice please…

My boyfriend and I just broke up a few days ago after almost 8 years together. It was mainly his idea even though we both knew that things needed to change. We have a good relationship, but we are missing that closeness we once had and even though I wanted to work on building that closeness again, he thinks that it is time for us to go our separate ways. At first I was upset, but then I just agreed with him that he was probably right and even though if it was up to me I would have us stay together, I accept his decision. We live together so it is a little complicated right now, but basically I went from being a gf on Friday to being a roommate on Monday. I say good-bye and hi to him, but no kisses, no gf things. I engage in friendly conversation and do things for myself. He has been overly nice to be these past few days…being attentive and considerate…but still wants to break up, I guess. (Honestly, sometimes I think I am getting mixed messages, but it could just be wishful thinking). Anyways, today is his brother’s birthday and we were invited to his mother’s for dinner to celebrate. He just asked me if I would like to go with him. I said that I would like to, but doesn’t he think that is weird. He said I was invited and it was up to me if I wanted to go. I said I would love to, but I am not sure if it is the best thing since we are no longer together and I would have to think about it. So ladies, what do you think I should do? I am sorta torn… and I dont want to do something with expectation or in hopes this will change his mind.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:17am
253: Indigo says:

Lori 243

I feel glad it struck a chord with you. I had that sense with you a little bit. I feel as if there’s something about our authentic feelings that always catches up with us, they always ask to be dealt with or acknowledged if we do things to try and cover them up.

I think you’re doing really well.

Giving him space and releasing him is very much my journey too.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:20am
254: Lori says:

I agree. I’ve wanted to tell him how I felt about the talk we had and how I’ve felt since. There hasn’t been an opportunity to do so. More so because of his making time due to work.

I’m feeling angry and resentful right now. If he called right at this very minute, I would let it go to voicemail. I feel like i need to go dark from him. I’ve been warm, welcoming, appreciative of his staying in touch. But that’s all there has been.

Am I being too impatient?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:24am
255: Indigo says:

Ditto Tam 178 and Lori 180

I find the same thing when I date other guys. I think, they are not D. To the point now that I anticipate feeling that way, and I don’t even attempt to fall in love with these guys.

I simply just try to enjoy the moment, and be grateful for the fun they are bringing into my life, and find out who they are as people. I don’t expect to fall in love with them, and I don’t expect them to be the one, and that’s ok.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:28am
256: Liquid Light says:

Amy, I am so sorry about your breakup. That must be really hard. My bf and I broke up a few weeks ago. I was really numb at first and couldn’t feel anything…I really didn’t know how I felt.

So how do you feel? Are you numb, and pushing away feeling anything? All I know is its important to let yourself feel what you feel…

How do you feel about going to the party? If it were me, I think it would feel weird but that’s just me.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:31am
257: Amy says:

Hi Liquid Light,

Thank you! I am sorry to hear about your break-up as well. I hope things start to get better for you. Big hugs your way.

I don’t feel numb or pushing away feelings, but I am feeling sad, confused, excited, anxious, and happy all at the same time. I dont want to lose him, but if he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore I can’t make him stay. However, I woudl be lying if I said I wouldnt love for him to change his mind and us to stay together.

As for the party…yes I would feel weird…almost deceiptive since we are putting on a show.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:35am
258: Femininewoman says:

So ladies, what do you think I should do? I am sorta torn… and I dont want to do something with expectation or in hopes this will change his mind.

Amy I believe you have answered your own question. I was debating with myself just yesterday about Valentine’s day, should a particular cd ask me out. I decided I would be honest and tell him I might be able to go out with him the day before or after, but not Valentine’s day. I don’t believe I could without having expectations and making some assumptions in my head. Also if certain people saw us together maybe some comments might be made to reinforce my thinking and I would feel concerned about feeling confused after and maybe putting pressure on him asking for more. I just don’t want to put my heart through that type of pressure anymore.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:37am
259: Femininewoman says:

Amy it sounds like you have a lot of emotions still bouncing around inside of you. I believe it is okay that you feel like a mixed bag of emotions and might not be able to stop yourself from crying or falling apart in front of his family.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:39am
260: Starla says:

Amy, you’re broken up. Don’t go to family stuff now. Maybe in a months or years when you’re actually friends again. But it’s too soon for you now. Do you, take care of you… send your best wishes along with your boyfriend to his family and thank them for understanding you couldn’t be there this time.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:40am
261: Liquid Light says:

OK, if you feel sad and heart-broken then feel it and express it. Have you expressed these feelings to him?

I’m doing fine, thanks. After the initial shock, I realized that it was for the best. Things weren’t really working for me on a fundamental level.

Well, if it feels weird then don’t go…I dunno, he seems kinda cold and withdrawn about it all. Sounds like neither one of you is expressing your feelings about the situation…thoughts, yes, but I wonder about the feeling part? And you know what Rori says, its going to be up to you to do this.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:41am
262: MovingMagic says:

(Tam)hugs lady. It’s okay to take a break. Maybe light some candles for yourself. Take a walk on the beach. Love on yourself a bit.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:44am
263: MovingMagic says:

(Tam) hugs lady. It’s okay to take a break. Maybe light some candles for yourself. Take a walk on the beach. Love on yourself a bit.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:45am
264: Starla says:

sometimes i get pangs of anxiety around things that haven’t even happened yet and may never happen. things like if QZ decided he actually wants to stay in his city and not move back in the summer.

all cuz i gave him a table and it allowed him to host friends more and form/establish connections up north….

of course, i’m thinking about this whacky stuff instead of celebrating that he said he would love to support my decluttering mission and take my table from me.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:45am
265: Starla says:

lama, that link is amazing, i’m soaking it all in

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:51am
266: Violette says:

Liquid Light thank you for commenting on my post in 28. Most of my girlfriends think I’m crazy for letting C go since there was so much there that was good, but I feel stronger knowing there is another woman who feels the way I feel.

I feel so brave and fearless. I am taking risks and reaping the benefits.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:52am
267: Liquid Light says:

yeah, Starla, I do the same thing and did that in my last relationship a lot. But then I would try to talk to myself and tell myself to focus on the positive since there was a lot of positives. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of positives to focus on too.

This is just a bad habit that you can retrain yourself to break! I’m still working on it but its getting better, and of course the first step is the self-awareness that you are doing it! Hoorah for you!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:53am
268: Femininewoman says:

Starla I have a free sample of the Core Energy Technique, which is a guided meditation by Kevin Schoeninger. In it he says to say thank you to the part of you that is uncertain when going through the meditation. I just thought I would share that just in case it might help to say thank you to the voice that causes you to think about whacky stuff.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:54am
269: Liquid Light says:

Yes, Violette, I feel the same way and it feels great! Go us!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 11:56am
270: Amy says:

thanks ladies! What should I say for not going? What should be my speech so that I dont seem aloof about it?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:02pm
271: Starla says:

fw 262, i’m totally interested. where do i find it/how do i get it? thanks!!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:04pm
272: Liquid Light says:

You probably already know what I am going to say but here goes: tell him how you *feel*. Screw the speech, this is a time for speaking from the heart even if you are a big blubbering mess IMHO

And if you aren’t then I really gotta wonder about why you would be in a relationship with someone for 8 years. It just doesn’t seem right that you would be so reasonable about it all after investing all that time…IMHO

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:07pm
273: Iamabutterfly says:

@259 Starla – I feel great that it could help you too, Starla. (((hugs)))

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:14pm
274: Amy says:

Thank you Liquid Light. He has seen me be a blubbering mess and he has heard my feelings on this. He knows my thoughts and feelings. How I feel my heart is breaking and how I want to work this out, but when someone tells you that they don’t feel the same way you do and thinks it is better to go our separate ways, how do you fight that? I feel sad, but I also feel excited to start a new life. As I said, if it was up to me, that new life would be with him, but its not up to me. We have had a lot of ups and downs, so the reason I am not a blubbering mess right now is becuase I have already cried my tears and I have already said what I needed to say and how I feel. Right, I need to figure out what is the best steps to take to next.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:17pm
275: Dominique says:

Rebecca – 206 – There is no such thing as failing unless you never try at all.

And there is nothing wrong with becoming lazy sometimes though I would LOVE it if you could shift this thought to something like you’re needing a break in order to integrate new habits and patterns.

No keeping in check. This feels rigid. Being aware is a better thought. This feels fluid.

xxoo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:17pm
276: Liquid Light says:

Amy, Oh, OK, gotcha. I didn’t know that. Glad that you expressed yourself…I know for me it was really hard initially and I was big blubbering mess. It felt awful but I had to go through that. He didn’t want to talk to me and we haven’t talked since the breakup…but I called him an dleft messages and texted a bunch and let him know how I felt — the good the bad and the ugly…mostly the bad and ugly!

But then once I expressed it all and some time went by, I realized that I wasn’t getting what I wanted from the relationship either. And that, in fact, I wasn’t that happy, and since he wasn’t going to change then the best outcome was for me to find someone who would be able to give me what I wanted…maybe its the same in our situation.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:25pm
277: Indigo says:

*Sigh*

I feel lighter. It feels really weird.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:28pm
278: Memulo says:

FW as we know he didn’t say anything, just disappeared. But he did make the above comment not in terms of what he wanted but as a negative observation and apologized. I asked him why he apologizes, in a way it is true and then put on a funny hat and asked if I looked like a grandmother. He was very serious though and said NO!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:29pm
279: CurvySiren10 says:

Indigo, what do you mean by “lighter”?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:30pm
280: Memulo says:

Starla I’m not sure I understand your comment to me. I have string sides and not so strong sides and I know the difference. Aren’t we all like that?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:32pm
281: Femininewoman says:

Memulo for the first time since I have been on this blog I feel like describing someone as a jerk. I wonder why the he!!ll you want to be that son of a ………….!!*****.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:43pm
282: Femininewoman says:

RE 262 Starla
http://energymeditationsecrets.com/download.html

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:45pm
283: Mel says:

((((Hugs to you Amy))))

I know how incredibly exhausting it feels to be “roommates” with someone that you spent a good portion of your life with, and are now parting ways.

I did this with my ex husband (of 10 years) during a “transition” time, trying to work-out the logistics of relocating homes. It was “convenient” but sooooo difficult.

At one point, some of his family members were coming to stay with us (they had scheduled their trip a long time in advance) and it felt so awkward for me, knowing that we were no longer together but having to put on a happy face with house guests. They knew the circumstances and told me they really wanted me to stay for the week (because I had suggested I go stay with friends while they were in town). In the end, I just kept to myself a lot and didn’t try to fake “happy.” But I wish i would have just gone away for the week. It just felt weird.

My advice… Try to get out on your own as soon as you are able. It made a world of difference and my vibe shifted almost instantly.

Being together, though “separated” didn’t allow me to move-on.

You’ll do fine… Better things are on the horizon for you, I promise.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:57pm
284: Starla says:

memulo i mean you are talking shxt about yourself, in such a way that i might SLAP someone for saying those same things about me. the things you are saying about yourself are alarming.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:02pm
285: Starla says:

thanks fw:)

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:11pm
286: Smile says:

I’ve noticed I don’t feel good having a computer or phone with constant access at the moment. I felt so chilled not keeping it around next to me. I’ve spent the eve alone on my phone catching up with various friends I’ve nit spoken to or needed to text. That bits ok but then I feel stuck in a constant loop of just ‘checking’ my email Facebook and the blog. I love the blog and reading from you lovely ladies but I feel it necessary to go back to my technology break again.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:24pm
287: Liquid Light says:

I am excited about a date that I have on Sat. He seems awesome and has so many of the qualities I’m looking for and that missed in my last relationship. He likes art! Yay! But who knows if there will be any chemistry there. I don’t know about you, but I gotsta have it!

But I am proud of myself for going out on a date and that I feel excited about it…I’ve been blowing everyone else off because “I wasn’t ready” but maybe I’m just not ready if I know they aren’t right for me.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:31pm
288: Starla says:

smile, i cancelled the internet at home. i love that i did that!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:37pm
289: Iamabutterfly says:

Feel like I’m going to get judged…

I really want to explain myself to SMC. I don’t think he understands. He looks so angry and hurt. Of course, I don’t know that for sure, but I am trusting my instincts, for Pete’s sake. (because I hear Pete is a pretty great guy.)

I feel so guilty. I was just trying to protect myself. Protecting myself feels like the right thing to do. but I still feel really sad about it. Especially when I see him looking like that…:(

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:45pm
290: Femininewoman says:

Propinquity is a term used by social psychologists to refer to the likelihood of interaction between two people.

If you are very likely to interact with Jake several times each day, you have high propinquity with Jake. You have very low propinquity with someone who shares few of your same interests, does not work with you, and lives on the opposite side of the country.

Why does propinquity matter? It matters because it determines a lot about the likelihood of you ending up dating any particular person. Social psychologists have discovered that propinquity is a better predictor of who ends up with who than almost any other variable that can easily be studied.

Knowing which kind of guy you want to end up with gives you a distinct advantage when trying to meet men. The main reason is that you can purposely manipulate your propinquity with the right kind of guy. (Think about how exciting this is!)

For example, if you’d love to end up with a fairly wealthy partner, learning golf and eating lunch in a country club is far more likely to increase your propinquity with the right kind of guy. On the opposite side of the spectrum, chatting with men at a local laundromat will tend to build your propinquity with men who are lower on the earning scale.

The point is, propinquity matters. Ignore it at your own peril.

Talk to you soon!

James Bauer

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:52pm
291: Turquoise says:

Thanks Curvy…lol, I thought about it some more, and the reason why my divorce works so well, I think… is because neither of us have worried about what anyone else thought or said, too much. We do what we feel is right, and it usually works out. So, unconventional yes…. but wrong? maybe not. You are right about the sex stuff too… I do hope he realizes though, that is not happening.

Mercedes, I did ask SH, but he is supposed to have his son this weekend, and after what happened last weekend with his ex reading a bunch of our text messages, I really don’t think she will let us take him. His little guy is really missing him and told his mom she ruined his weekend last weekend, so I don’t expect him to reschedule. He said he’d talk to her about it, but he really doesn’t like confrontation, so we shall see.

I decided to be ok with it, go, have fun, and enjoy the gift of a free weekend at a lodge. I might even treat myself and get a massage! If he wants to get me a separate room to make her feel better, I’d be fine with that… but the truth is, probably safer all in one room with the girls. He won’t try anything with them there.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:55pm
292: Femininewoman says:

http://beirresistible.com/secretloveinstinct.php

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 1:56pm
293: Femininewoman says:

Has anyone ever sent love or appreciation to their armpits?

I feel so ridiculous asking?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:04pm
294: Liquid Light says:

I like the post about propinquity, FW, thanks! that’s cool! simple but profound!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:06pm
295: Femininewoman says:

Starla I just realized this one might also be interesting.

http://www.loveorabove.com/meditation

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:14pm
296: Starla says:

283 lama,
is this your pattern? to explain? to feel very anxious to be understood after a conflict happens?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:21pm
297: Liquid Light says:

@lama, yeah, I hate making people feel bad too even though I end up doing it a lot more than I would like.

for me, it can help to remind myself to drop into my feelings and speak from there. I often speak from a rational place and I think that can cause people to be hurt and angry at times. When I’m coming from feelings, it just seems to remove the walls. Of course, it can be harder to do this because then you become vulnerable and open which often feels very scary.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:32pm
298: Liquid Light says:

For the last month with Caged, I was coming from my head mostly. I was so exhausted that I just wanted to get through it – work deadlines, the holidays, family, etc. But that’s when the whole thing started to unravel. I realize that this was a mistake but I really felt like I was in survival mode. Lesson learned. I wish he coulda let up a bit though. Sigh.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:34pm
299: Liquid Light says:

I’m curious..what’s your take on chemistry, ladies? Is it a requirement?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:55pm
300: Starla says:

have been reading about BPD in relationships and feeling sick with guilt over ways i can act sometimes…i picked up some bpd traits from my mom and am committed to working through them for good this year….

and also got into a customer service argument with groupon. i got very harsh in my tone because i want to be taken seriously and given a refund.

so right now i’m feeling overwhelmed with bad feelings. i’m going to stop answering groupon emails for now and listen to something that relaxes me. and eat some veggies instead of putting more chocolate in my body…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 2:58pm
301: GingerSky says:

Awesome reply, Rori!!!

NSM is a Virgo too, and it seems some of his sacrasm and mean criticisms seem to stem from that, at least he says so and I agree. Not that Virgo’s are “bad”, just that we each have tendencies, and if we let some of them get too out of balance they can cause problems (for instance, as an Aquarius, I tend to procrastinate. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes I let it get out of balance and cause problems for me and for others).

This man sounds a lot like NSM, only way worse.

Thanks to you, Phoenix, and to you Rori.

It’s never too late for the love of your life! Esp the one which comes from yourself, first.

Love to Sirens!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:02pm
302: GingerSky says:

FW, I have sent love and appreciation to my armpits for sure, and in detail for their function, prettiness, earthiness, realness, for their sometimes awesome natural scent and for alerting me to when my diet may be out of balance bc of their less nice scent (esp hormonally, so that means I need to eat maca again

I think my armpits are beautiful and sensual. And men seem to think so too, for when I raise my arms over my head men tend to get all gushy and gaze at me… I don’t focus on armpits, but just include them in all the other prettiness I show love and appreciation to in my body. So different from how I used to feel shame and hiding around certain parts.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:06pm
303: GingerSky says:

Thinking aobut this makes me almost cry, I had forgotten how I used to extremely shrink, puff myself up, and scrunch myself down and try to hide and be ideal/perfect/inhuman, rather than just accepting, inhabiting, and loving my own body. This was long ago. But I still feel it all of a sudden. I love me. Aw.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:09pm
304: GingerSky says:

“Aw” is deep.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:09pm
305: Tam says:

Indigo, thank you for your comment and Moving Magic too – very uplifting.

Well, Indigo, yes as a matter of fact I have tried to open up to MrP and be authentic. With strange results. He acts in extremes, so when I am happy out and about and express that, he is REALLY happy..and when I feel sad or nervous and expressed that, as he stormed out of my place, he gets very upset and tries to fix it and tries to fix himself at the same time and gets really torn…he really does react kind of well when I open up.
I don’t know if you caught that he has adult adhd…as well as having had a pretty traumatic childhood and I am not making excuses for him, but those are some serious factors playing into all this.

Thing is, I have opened up a couple of times and wrote to him after our bust-ups and told him what I told you guys here. And yes, it draws him in – as a side effect, because I really only did it to be authentic and say my piece and be done if he doesn’t want to come to the party. But yet again when we get closer, he gets shaky and will do something to create distance again, you know?
It’s the pattern – and I just don’t know if I want to put myself through that again.
And, besides, for me to open up to him yet again, I feel there needs to be an effort from him. And by that I don’t mean the feeble attempts at snatching some pictures of me. I mean, actually asking me to meet. And that isn’t happening right now.
So it just seems strange to confront him with my feelings, when in reality, he hasn’t made meaningful contact..it’s a bit like the molehill into mountain situation.

Sigh.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:12pm
306: Tam says:

Gingersky is back hooray!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:16pm
307: Jessie1000 says:

HI GIRLS!
Its jessy! Going on a date tonight lol how are you all? I have been sick as a dog, busted a ligament in my back in December and have been in bed since…just starting to mend again. My I miss you all! I havent been working for almost 2 months but Ive been studying like a storm to finish my phd. My sons are good, we love being back home by the ocean and I dont miss ontario at all…lol no offence to ontario, just isnt like home…Hope you are all good, wish me luck, my new beau is super hot and younger lol like always than me…but its ok cause I like em young…
kisses girls!! I send you all lots of kharma and love for your love lifes!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:17pm
308: Liquid Light says:

Oh God, I hope I’m not a wreck on my date. I’m starting to feel sad again. Maybe I’m not ready afterall. I don’t want the subject of my ex to come up and then I start balling…that would not go over very well at all! ugghhh

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:32pm
309: brokenhearted says:

Dear,Rori&Ladies
I found your website from a friend. I’m totally confused and heart broken I can use some help! Please advise me which program I should start off with and purchase. Here is my story!
I just broke up with my Man of three years. I will call him Jay. We had a wonderful relationship so I thought everything seemed perfected we lived together talked about the future getting married kids all that good stuff. He was always there me..gave me all the attention and affection a women good ask for. Out with friends he made me feel like the only women in the room. Okay here is the problem I caught him in bed with a Guy Yes a effin Guy.. obviously I flipped out… I was crying and blah blah. I went over a week of not speaking to him moved out of our home finally got enough strength to speak to him to get closure. He told me he was Gay this whole time and he was using me as a cover so his family and friends didn’t find out he was Gay. I’m so effin sad and depressed about this. He told me I’m a wonderful women great friend and he is sorry….WTF sorry are u kidding me!! I invested a lot in this man and thought it was a forever thing. I’m a strong women and know its not me but I need some help I feel so used and betraded. He says he wants to be friends idk if I can handle that. I love myself I need help processing this and moving on so I found myself on this blog. Anybody have any suggestions on what program I should purchase and start with. Idk how I didn’t see this I’m so confused please help

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 3:37pm
310: BeLoved says:

293

Liquid Light – my take on chemistry is…I can totally do without it.
I honestly hope to goodness I can start meeting men who I feel calm and relaxed and at ease with, with NO fireworks, NO chemistry, just peaceful…easy…natural…no big deal…

I’ve had enough chemistry to last me a lifetime.
What I want feels like home, it feels like heart, it feels….mmmmm…comfortable, just a couple of people hanging out, BEing with each other.

I would probably run from chemistry at this point. My nervous system needs a break, I’m enjoying the feelings of peace.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:01pm
311: Liquid Light says:

Beloved, yeah, I hear you, what you say is very interesting…the question that comes up for me is: how can you kiss someone if you aren’t attracted to them? I just can’t imagine that.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:04pm
312: Olivia says:

feeling hurt and needy and *whirring* in my stomach…

my bf is out at a show right now with family he didn’t invite me to…

unsure about whether i am leaning back too much…

feel tempted to pick up the phone and call…

feel *exposed* for posting a picture of me and the bf on facebook yesterday…i did it to claim my territory a bit..and cause i felt he might have felt a bit rejected for not adding photos he posted of me to MY facebook timeline…

feeling like i’m too sensitive…

remembering to try and love that about me…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:06pm
313: Olivia says:

…feeling like a fool for enjoying how well things have been going…and appreciating all the nice things he does for me…

…feeling afraid to fully love and enjoy the nice moments with him because i’m afraid of not being loved later…

…feel like crying a little bit…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:08pm
314: Liquid Light says:

Olivia, can you tell him that you felt sad (or whatever) that he didn’t invite you? just a thought

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:11pm
315: Ulii says:

@Femininewoman 161

You’ve got me pondering…thanks!
I can admit being terrified of intimacy myself too. Although I don’t really know about women being more like that than men. Why you think it is like that? Because women have generally lower self-esteem? Because that makes us terrified to show our real selves to men? Because we are afraid of abandonment?… Well, I’m just thinking here loud, the questions are rather rethoric.. But I would be interested if you’d want to expamd on this a little.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:14pm
316: Ulii says:

@143

FW, what you wrote to Tam here is just beautiful and moving…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:16pm
317: BeLoved says:

304

LL – because I am not repulsed by them, either.
There is another place, where there is a spaciousness, where it feels like…
how to explain?
Like…there is enough, everywhere I turn and there is no pull toward one specific person. I had a lot of this in my Seattle community, we had cuddle parties and puppy piles and lots of making out and kissing different people with no attachment, it felt safe and relaxed and ‘easy like Sunday morning’.
I’m thinking of the Indigo Girls song, “Free In You” –
“Loving’s just like breathing when it’s true.”

For me it feels like affinity, rather than attraction.

Feels so good to remember I have those experiences for reference. It wasn’t my fate to stay there and I ended up here and involved in a toxic relationship, but it has actually been really good because it was, like Natalie at Baggage Reclaim said, like an exorcism and brought up so many demons to be healed in such a perfect way.

Affinity.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:25pm
318: GingerSky says:

Aw, Tam… thanks

I’ve just now been catching up in my reading of your life here. (And was listening to the audio link posted by someone by realtionship coach Be Irresistible. Wow, SO good.)

((((( Tam ))))

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:31pm
319: Tam says:

Beloved…I am in synchronicity with you. There doesn’t have to be instant attraction as long as there is no repulsion.
I take the comfy at home feeling over the crazy butterfly chemistry any day. And usually do.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:32pm
320: Ulii says:

@ 295 Gingersky

“(for instance, as an Aquarius, I tend to procrastinate. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes I let it get out of balance and cause problems for me and for others).”

Wow!I have never been taking astrology & horoscopes too seriously, I have taken from there what I have liked and discarded the rest. But as an aquarius myself…this is really spot on. I hadn´t hear about this, but procrastination IS my biggest flaw as it has been causing quite some problems in my life already.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:33pm
321: GingerSky says:

Tonight I am deeply deeply missing the close and amazing times with NSM, and moving through the necessary letting go. As he and I continue our work together, at least to some extent, and for the moment. Which is good, except when he stops acting amazing and instead behaves like a horse’s ass. Lol.

I love him. I respect him and want the best for him and I feel angry we cant be together and that he is so mean and weird sometimes. AND I love myself enough to let go. Even when it is hard. Yay me.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:34pm
322: Liquid Light says:

Sexual attraction has always been strong for me in any relationship or non-relationship …its just always been a given. I can’t imagine it not being there. That would feel strange to me.

Now I don’t give in to every attraction I feel but admittedly that’s a weakness of mine. And the last two where there was a lot of sexual attraction, we had a relationship, not a fling or affair, so I’m proud of that. Sigh…but, yeah, sexual energy can definitely overwhelm the dynamic which isn’t always good. Maybe the key is to wait longer…I ususally wait about a month or so.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:37pm
323: GingerSky says:

NSM has already now hooked up with another woman to some degree, and has rescued his online search for his ideal woman he’s been seeking all his life. I had already cut him off romantically bc of his mean ways and had told him that I am totally turned off by mean ways.

At least he told me about it all so I would have no surprise. I appreciate that even though it felt upsetting. He offered that we could talk longer and more deeply on it if I wanted. I am just tired of this really. I replied “thanks for the info/sharing. I wish you well in your search.”

Lol it feels good that I am not on here oly bc of NSM (though if I was that’d be a good thing too). I am here bc I have time and head space to be in Siren territory right now… like, just bc I want to.

That feels good.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:39pm
324: GingerSky says:

I mean NSM restarted (his online search for his perfect woman).

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:40pm
325: GingerSky says:

I am here tonight truly about 75% or more just bc I want to be. Bc I miss you all and bc I simply like it here. I feel less driven and motivated by NSM, by loneliness, and more just “well” inside on my own count. Not really reactive, just grounded and alive… upset still a little, and deeply, yet alive and under my own power engine… rather than “moved around” by things and happenings outside of myself, or by feelings and reactions within myself.

This keeps increasing more and more, more than I dreamed possible, over the time I have devoted to learning and mastering Rori’s teachings.

This is very different for me, and it feels good. Still feels spectacular, at every stage.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:49pm
326: GingerSky says:

And I can’t tell you how utterly and infinitely grateful I was to have the words (and mindset) of “I wish you well in your search” at that moment. Omg. That felt amazing, light and luxurious and safe and mature, and kept me from going over a cliff or two in my mind (figuring what to say and how to say it, etc etc) and in my words to him.

Thank you, Rori. My gratitude is truly unending and indescribable.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:54pm
327: GingerSky says:

Ulii, I so understand, LOL! It’s almost a given with us Aquarius folks.

I don’t suggests basing life on astrology too much, but it is helpful (esp the personality parts) and I find help in any kind of personality typing if I hold it all loosely and not too seriously.

Just learned what I am in Human Design System. I’m not happy about it, but it’s making sense out of a HUGE amount of things in my life now, fwiw.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 4:59pm
328: Senior Lady Vibe says:

Excellent top-of-thread post. I wanted to scream “Run!” to that woman.

BTW, are any of you “conquerors” picking up on the Feminine Businesswoman “telesummit?” I just ran across it and it seems to have started a couple of days ago although I think it’s running through mid-February.

Here’s the link. The opt-in page video resonated with me so I’m going to check it out… free bits of knowledge and encourage.

http://thefemininebusinessmodel.com

SLV
xoxo

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:08pm
329: GingerSky says:

Btw Sirens, my “cutting NSM off bc of his mean ways” is due to behavior that is bizarre, frequent, emotionally violent, abusive, much like the man in this post of Rori’s… and bc he wants to be with me “until someone else shows up for us” and to be kind of halfway polyamorous, etc. Things which regardless of our fantastic connection are just not compatible or do-able for me.

I don’t necessarily advocate ending relations with a man bc of his acting difficult, but agree as Rori teaches that redeeming and growing the connection is both possible and often desirable. And that we too often give up bc we simply lack effective tools and inner growth to let him be himself and to take care of ourselves, etc. I love this part of Rori’s teaching! So different form conventional wisdom which says ditch a man who doesn’t act how you want him to. So much more like my grandmothers’ day and age, and way better… how to truly be feminine which is way more powerful than the modern alternatives of how to be a woman.

With me, mean loses every time in the end.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:08pm
330: Ulii says:

RE: sexual chemistry

I have become from needing it and looking for it to a more calmful place where I have a requirement for certain initial attraction, but where I have also started to believe that attraction in fact can grow. And I have literally experienced that opening myself up to a man and being vulnerable is creating that chemistry almost momentaneously.
I have also experienced that a man who seemed a bit clumsy and not so good at kissing the first time can get better really quickly, so the second or third time the kissing is already an awesome experience.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:12pm
331: BeLoved says:

(((((Gingersky)))))

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:13pm
332: Ulii says:

@ 301

Jessie1000 — so good to see you!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:14pm
333: Ulii says:

@ 320

Gingersky, I never heard of Human Design System… Sounds interesting. I´ll might check that up another moment on internet. Now going to sleep, as it´s already after 2 am here where I am.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:25pm
334: Annie says:

“So different form conventional wisdom which says ditch a man who doesn’t act how you want him to.”

I believe Roris tools are to get women to that place Gingersky of ditching him if he isn’t able and doesn’t want to ‘act’/ stepped up and behave how we want and is compatible for our happiness and the toxic behavior is a deal breaker for us, tp leave space for a better more compatible man to show up.
As most women who come here for help are just not in that place and able to do that when they first come here.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:26pm
335: Ulii says:

Other thing is…hm.. If I hear words “emotionally violent” ” abusive” and “sarcasm”.. I really do get my alarm bells ringing. I don’t know how exactly Rori addresses that, but I recall her also saying “get out of there” in cases of violent toxic men. I personally do not want to stay and practice using tools with such a man, as he just turns me off and I wouldn´t like him anymore. Disrespect in all it´s forms is a dealbreaker for me.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:27pm
336: BeLoved says:

I’m an Aquarius, too!
My birthday is tomorrow and I’m going jump on giant trampolines with my friends to celebrate.

Gingersky – I actually know people who have never, ever ever ever NEVER ever said a mean or unkind word to their partner, or done a single unkind or mean act. One of these people taught me how to sing a song to make a game out of getting my then-toddler to pick up toys instead of nagging, and I used it forever and it improved my life in so many ways. They NEVER yell to each other across the house, if one of them wants the other’s attention from another room, he or she will whistle a sweet little bird call. I have known them my whole entire life, so I’ve seen more than just a snippet of their lives.

What I mean to say is that I know from experience that a kind and gentle spirit deserves and can totally find a kindred kind and gentle spirit.

My heart goes out to you, I know you are hurting. I missed you and am glad you are back, and feel happy that you are looking out for you <3<3

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:29pm
337: Liquid Light says:

Beloved: Happy Birthday! That sounds like so much fun!!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:31pm
338: Ulii says:

But I understand that you (Ginersky) have cut him off and are not in a relationship with him…
So it feels like you are taking care of yourself. Which feels good to read.
I also believe there are men that are not fully bad, but just difficult (as I could learn form Toxic Men program).. But most of them are just not for me. I don’t want to deal with a really difficult man. Maybe I am a bit egoistic, but I actually think “I could do better”..whenever I come across men who (for example): call me (or other people) names, make hurtful jokes, send me porn links, get scary or out of control when angry. I don´t want to deal with that.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:34pm
339: Ulii says:

Happy birthday BeLoved from me too!!!!
Hope you´ll have a great day! Mine was just this Sunday and it was actually wonderful. My cd had planned a all day nice outing for us, and I have never felt treated so good in my life.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:38pm
340: Annie says:

GingerSky
It feels good to hear that you are moving away from your subconscious love imprint which feels like a familiar fantastic connection.
And are moving towards choosing a healthier new conscious love that will be more compatible and doable for you.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:39pm
341: Annie says:

Happy Birthday BeLoved. X

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:40pm
342: Ulii says:

(((((((((Gingersky))))))))))))

Sorry, I feel now maybe I’ve concentrated too much on some negatives I found at your post that triggered me (I´m just currently dealing with 3 of my close girlfriends being in a emotionally or even physically violent relationships & reading a lot about that, so this subjects gets me triggered so easily).
Overreading what you have said, I actually see there is lot of positive healing & growing going on, so I don’t want to pick up on the negative anymore. I hope I didn´t unintentionally hurt you, but I appologize if I did.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:49pm
343: Femininewoman says:

Happy Birthday Beloved

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:00pm
344: BeLoved says:

Awww…thank y’all!!

I randomly stumbled on an article about Lance Armstrong and this caught my eye:

” contempt is one of the primary defenses against shame”

Interesting…if contempt comes up for me again, I’ll dig a little deeper and see if there is shame underneath, that would be amazing to be able to touch and heal.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201301/top-25-list-january-2013/8-narcissism-and-whats-behind-it

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:27pm
345: GingerSky says:

Annie, Ulii and BeLoved

Thank you! No, Ulii, you didn’t cause me any discomfort or pain at all… and if your words had done that within me, I would see and engage it as a way (a gift?) of noticing a wound in myself that needs healing… and not at all any “fault” in your words or your self-expression. I like that you speak freely here, and express whatever comes up for you!

Yes to all of what you Sirens said to me here. Yes.

NSM was not that way all of the time… and I came on strong at the beginning, trying to tie him into marriage right off the bat and to make him responsble for my happiness in all the wrong and totally un-Siren-like ways, so I wound up on here about a year into the relationship and many things I learned here helped SO MUCH. So I kept at it to see if the knots woud untie for me and him. We had a good life together for a long while, mixed with trouble, but very very special and amazing indeed.

Behavior which seems abusive may sometimes not be, as I learned from Rori, and I used to be the type who’d walk away too easily at the first moment I felt uncomfortable. And sometimes I’ve been the opposite. I’ve always been either confused/unsure, or too masculine in this.

I now feel with Rori’s insights I can SEE clearly, and safely test the waters, experiment, and be SURE if I really want to walk away. Rather than looking back and regretting that I acted on a mere trigger instead of making safe space for us both to be ourselves and work THROUGH the difficult moments. When I have done this, I have sometimes later matured, then looked back and seen that it was I who was afraid of commitment, who was passively triggered all the time, controlling and blaming and demanding under the surface. And then I let a few pretty good men go away bc I left thinking I was being smart.

I don’t want to go to confused extremes anymore

I thought for a long time that was what NSM and I were doing, working througmisunderstandings, We love each other very much. But he is habituated to his anger, and his ideal woman (in several unusual ways). Perhaps another woman will feel more comfortable for him. He can do what he wants, it is his right.

You all said such wonderful things to me.

It feels too late to reply individually… I must sleep now. I was looking up to find who is seduction coach David DeAngelo’s wife… I learned of him from my young housmate guy, and found him unappealing (I’m not fond of seduction games or of men who want many partners etc) and yet wise and very human in some ways. The link SLV posted had her picture on it as a speaker, and I finally found out who she is: Annie Lalla, a relationship coach. Pretty good stuff it seems. I like her (and him) a lot. I subscribed to her newsletter.

(That’s not you, is it Annie, lol)

Now the former seduction coach is a very human family man marriage and relationship coach who, works with his lovely wife to teach how to fight fair, deal with conflict, keep the spark going and much more. I find that very cool!

Love won.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:43pm
346: GingerSky says:

#337 BeLoved Wow, that’s so wise about contempt! I will seriously meditate on this for a long time.

Greatly explains NSM! I am still his friend and he mine. We still like to understand and be understanding of each other.

Explains me, my parents, and lots of things for me!

(Similar to when my ACoA coach long ago taught me and my brother that when someone fights with or attacks us, it’s usually bc they long internally to be loved more by us.)

Keys… opening locked places… so love can flow.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:48pm
347: GingerSky says:

I tried to love NSM more, but I have always remained judgmental of him bc of certain things he does that are hard for others. He could always feel it. I am okay with that. It will all work out the best way in the end.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:50pm
348: Olivia says:

@Liquid Light –thanks for providing some feedback…i guess my fear in doing that is that I am being over-sensitive. i don’t expect him to invite me EVERYwhere…
Does being a feeling messages woman mean I have to say something every single time he does something that bothers me?! How do you decide?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:52pm
349: Olivia says:

…just sort of a rhetorical question but i would be interested what others’ process is in choosing…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:52pm
350: GingerSky says:

Goodnight, Aquarius club

Sleep well and deeply, Sirens.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:53pm
351: Violette says:

I am missing J. He called two weeks ago to tell me he couldn’t be sexually exclusive, that he’s broken. I also found out the last time I saw him, three weeks ago, that he’s only been divorced a year.

When he’d called I told him I had gotten the picture already, but it felt good to hear the words. He said he wanted to see me and didn’t mind if we didn’t have sex. I said I’d love that. Then he had to take another call and I asked him to call back the next day, since I was going out shortly. And he never called back.

It really sucks missing him. I go along fine and then it just hits me. He inspires me in my life, because he is brilliant and successful, and I hope it will help me get that back into my life.

It would feel so good to see his number on my phone, to hear his voice, to see him and have that giggly fun I feel with him, that creativity. I’m doing my best to let it go.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 6:59pm
352: Pe says:

Hi, girls. I have been obsessed with the show “Supernanny” lately, it’s where a nanny goes into a house where parents have trouble being heard, respected and appreciated by their kids and she comes in helps them realize that they are responsible for allowing these behaviors and teaches them how to establish clear, healthy boundaries and stick to them with their children. no matter how difficult, messed up, hopeless a situation seemed with her help it always works out at the end. It got me realizing that we DO have power on how people treat us in our lives and the change have to come from us. i starting thinking about how i can apply this in my life just speaking in an even and calm voice, looking at the person straight in the eye and just, “stop or no this is not acceptable behavior, i will not tolerate it” don’t try to rationalize with the person give a warning “if u continue to speak like that me i’m gonna ask u to leave u or i’m hanging up the phone” if the person perseveres you HAVE to follow thought with the warning that you give “i’m hanging up now goodbye” , if the person apologies right away or later you have to show appreciation and encouragement “thanks for apologizing, i really appreciate it it made me feel sad when this and that happened “sounds so simple right ? but it is actually. It’s up to you to change your game, set boundaries and stick to them.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:00pm
353: BeLoved says:

I just realized that I think it’s already healing…I feel excited…after the whole conversation about eye-rolling and contempt, and the insect-thing I saw that felt like it pulled out of my soul and..and…so much more but I’ve felt waves and waves of shame coming up and releasing the past few weeks
so
Wow!
wow.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:18pm
354: Liquid Light says:

@Olivia maybe it comes down to how it makes you feel, and if it makes you feel bad then maybe its worth bringing up in a non blamey way of course.

I just know that in my last relationship when I brought stuff up, it brought us closer, even if I was really scared to say it. When I didn’t bring things up, then it seemed like more distance was created.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:32pm
355: Pe says:

Olivia,

When you are not acting out of neediness and insecurity, every little tiny detail doesn’t bother you, you just know when to speak up, when something deep and unacceptable to YOU happens. He forgets to call back like he said he would no biggie boys will be boys right ? but if he stands you up on a date just shoot him a text “it doesn’t feel good to wait and to be stood up, i don’t like to be in that position, i appreciate when somebody take the time to cancel a date when they know they won’t make it, thanks” he apologizes and give excuses say “thank for apologizing but it won’t happen again” punto. That will straighten him fast.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:34pm
356: Liquid Light says:

Pe wrote: It’s up to you to change your game, set boundaries and stick to them.

I like that!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:45pm
357: Liquid Light says:

I love supernanny too…she is the coolest!!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:46pm
358: Pe says:

She’s amazing !!! lol

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:47pm
359: Memulo says:

Jessie!!!

So nice to hear from you! I was thinking about you. Feel better!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:57pm
360: Memulo says:

FW and Starla,

Thank you. I still dont feel what youresaying Starla – after all, i wasn’t saying anything that isn’t true. I don’t get offended easily and don’t take myself very seriously.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:03pm
361: Indigo says:

CurvySiren 273

I had felt these quite vulnerable, mushy feelings all day – being fearful, missing him, and then when I got home they started to lift, which was great.

But often when I start to feel fear or anxiety leaving me, I feel exhausted from the energy it’s taken, or maybe a bit ashamed. Instead, last night I felt this lightness, I felt like my mind opening, and all this awareness and beautifully nuanced little feelings came flooding in.

It was a weird feeling, I just felt lighter and less burdened, but a good one.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:09pm
362: ALA says:

Thanks for that link, SLV! I just signed up.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:15pm
363: Femininewoman says:

Thank you. I still dont feel what youresaying Starla – after all, i wasn’t saying anything that isn’t true. I don’t get offended easily and don’t take myself very seriously.

Memulo – I feel shocked at the I don’t get offended easily comment. It feels like your heart is closed, even to yourself. Feels like the ice princess. I can’t imagine the mountains of rage that might be floating under the surface inside you. What are you doing to connect with and feel your heart? Do you stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself I really really love you. Do you look for the sadness in your eyes? Or notice if you cringe when you look at yourself?

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:20pm
364: Vi says:

Feeling turned on feels like my heart goes out to him accompanied by the thought ‘it is serious’ and fantasies that somehow transform into expectations and then guilt and sadness start to come up! It feels so awesome to notice! I feel so good about myself I feel almost fluid.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:02pm
365: Turquoise says:

Hi sirens,

Well, Sweetheart will not be coming with me this weekend, and I’m actually a bit relieved. I know we would have had fun and enjoyed being away together, but there is time for that. His life is so stressful right now, I want to escape it for a few days. I’m so looking forward to the scenery, photo opportunities, pampering myself, people watching, and hopefully I’m a natural at skiing, and that will go well too!

I did feel sad tonight, thinking about C and that he’s never going to choose me. I don’t really want him to, I know he and I had a mostly terrible marriage, and it’s the idea of what I wanted for us that I actually love… but it still sucks that he’d rather go back to his girlfriend, whom he broke up with because of multiple reasons, but that he’d rather try again with her than with me, the mother of his children. It’s my pride that’s hurt, probably more than anything, but that reminder…. that he’d do all these wonderful things for me and the girls, but still choose to not be with me, yuck. Just feels bad. So I decided that I need to turn the story around. If I actually consciously think about the fact that I don’t want him, that it’s my choice, that I know what I want for my life, and being adored is a huge part of that… then he’s not the man for me, even though we had children together. SO, this weekend is going to be awesome practice for me, I’m going to flirt with cute ski instructors, make eye contact with men in the lodge, strike up conversations with strangers… and circular date a whole resort full of people.

Things feel just slightly different with Sweetheart this week. We are at 8 weeks of dating now, so normal time frame. I know it’s been a rough week for him, but I do feel the slight pulling back. He still calls and texts, but not as many I love you’s, he hasn’t mentioned marriage at all this week, but he does talk about normal stuff, like once the weather is better all the walks he wants us to take, and that I have to text him when I get to the lodge because he worries about me driving, and telling me about his day, asking about mine, etc. It could be just the normal fade, or it could be that it all feels more real now, especially since his ex read our texts, but I’m really not going to worry about it. This is where I’ve let things blow up in the past. If it’s meant to be with Sweetheart, it’s going to work out. If it’s not, then someone else better is out there for me. But where I struggle is with the staying warm and open and responsive. Rori just had an email about this, where we use circular dating or ignore a man and close ourselves off from them, He’s not doing anything wrong, probably just trying to figure out the best way to handle all this… it’s just timing wise that this week I also really opened my heart and told him how I was feeling.

I”m so happy to have the weekend to enjoy and be away. It’s really perfect timing. Sweetheart asked to see me Monday night and I said it probably wouldn’t work. So, then he asked for Tuesday. I didn’t commit, said we’d see how the week goes. I’ve always been available, and it may work out that I can see him, but I didn’t make any promises. He could have seen me last night, but didn’t. He could (although I know he was already planning to have his son before I invited him) be coming with me for the weekend, and he’s not. If it feels good to see him, I will.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:10pm
366: Indigo says:

Tam 299

I’m very happy that you have expressed your feelings authentically to Mr P.

And I SO get you about there being a pattern. I know what what you’re describing feels like right down to the tips of my toes. You alone can’t change that. And I know you feel resigned. Just feels to me like there is an unfinished story here.

An unfinished story: very much the case with my own situation

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:19pm
367: Indigo says:

Gingersky 322

I really love the second paragraph of your post. That is what has brought me here, and keeps me coming here.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:30pm
368: Emerson says:

Hi everyone! I’m so behind on all your stories…will scroll up and catch up but saying hi for now and guess what happened with BlueCD…
He texted me and wanted to meet up for a coffee and I said I’m sorry but I’m busy (I was busy I was at work) and thanked him that it was sweet.
Then he asked me a question that I did not reply to immediately and he made a negative comment alluding that I was not trustworthy…and I said what?? He said I avoid questions…
I feel sooo annoyed because duh I met him on a dating site, we have yet to meet in person and I don’t tell people I don’t know where I work and all my personal info HELLOOO….
Anywho I replied calmly that It feels bad to hear those words and that I’ve never met him
He was sarcastic in his reply so I told him I don’t want to be talked to like this, it feels bad
He proceeded to say I needed to have a thicker skin to which I replied that I don’t because I am a woman and I have feelings.
The whole thing felt annoying and dramatic but overall I am glad how I handled it. I stayed within my boundaries and I don’t like being talked to like that being accused of being “shady”…not nice.

Thanks for listening, needless to say I feel disappointed in the situation as I was holding out some hope that he may be a decent man for me to date…
I started making excused for him like he does not know how to talk to women, maybe I should give him a chance if he contacts me again, but not sure what to think…
What do you all think ladies?
I’m listening to some good/happy music including Justin Bieber yes that’s what I said!!

Been missing you sirens…I’ve been so busy I have not checked the blog in a while…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:44pm
369: Emerson says:

In other news…
I’ve been dabbling in POF dating site and I sent some hellos and favorited a few cuties…
they’ve been replying and all very sweet, it’s good practice.
One of them wants to talk on the phone already and he is totally not the norm that I date! He seems very nice, and we shall see how it goes as I am going out on a limb as an experiment to maybe date him.
He’s sweet, educated and works in a really good job and is around my age and he is black. this is a first for Emerson.

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:48pm
370: Emerson says:

Hi Gingersky!

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:49pm
371: Emerson says:

Wow, this post about Phoenix and her man’s sarcasm really rings true for me…how ironic especially considering my recent conversation with BlueCD where he became sarcastic…
Such a turnoff…
Sarcasm is a form of hostility….
And although a man cannot understand a rape victim’s feelings, he can still show compassion and
be sensitive and maybe even silent…the ability to be empathetic to another…
I don’t want to be with an insecure, posessive man who wants to control by biting words and accusations…
I can spot them earlier now, I think BlueCD may be of that breeding…
I am still curious why he reappeared after litereally a year of silence…

Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 9:56pm
372: Sirenity says:

Love your vibe Turquoise! I also love that you really are not sealing yourself in a zip top bag with SH . He may be an S H but he is a still married SH and no matter the ongoing intention to be single there is a whole lotta SH@T still gotta be negotiated until his feelings, his exes feelings, his kids feelings , his legal endings, his custody arrangements etc are all felt, processed, signed and tied up. This could take years.

We who have been married and divorced with kids know what that means . In your case, and full credit to you, you have achieved a positive and helpful arrangement with your ex, if not rather unusual . But it has taken years , involved much toing and froing and even ex-sex quite recently.

I am so pleased to see you CDing , given all these uncertainties . Not to mention his physical issues. This for me would be really scary as I dont want to be a nurse to a man until way late in life if I can help it

Anyway ..I lioke the feel of your last post, balanced and excited about future options.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:03am
373: Sirenity says:

Emerson, I like what you said to him. A man who is habitually sarcastic is not for me either and I would be pleased to weed him out as you have done. I like the bit about not needing a tough skin because you are a woman. ..Very soft and inviting.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:07am
374: Emerson says:

Thank you sirenity!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:10am
375: Annie says:

What felt salient to me in that article BeLoved were.,”he lacks the capacity to empathize with the feelings of others”

“his sense of morality is often skewed: whether an action turns out to be “wrong” depends largely on getting caught. Lance Armstrong now admits that what he did was wrong because he got caught, not because of a moral epiphany. At no point during his interview with Oprah did he express authentic remorse or any real feelings of guilt for the pain he has caused so many people.”

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:40am
376: Annie says:

“express authentic remorse”

People like this do not feel remorse.
look into their eyes if/when they apologies you will know if they feel remorse or not and if they are truly sorry.

Something is lacking.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:54am
377: Annie says:

Re lance Armstrong.

Although I can see it from his point of view and understand why he does not really feel remorse as he wasn’t the only one doing it, it just happened that he got caught. To him he was just making the playing field more even, not giving himself an unfair advantage, giving himself an even one.

I do see his point.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 2:34am
378: Turquoise says:

Hi Emerson good to see you here! Don’t make excuses for that man. He sounds bitter, and that’s his problem to fix, not yours.

Thanks Sirenity. There will definitely be a lot to work through, and like I said, I told him I’d give him some time to make some serious changes, but if I don’t see it happening, I couldn’t remain exclusive. He said he completely understands. So I’m going to CD in the sense of seeing friends and family, heck even my ex, but no actual dates, at least for now. I do love sweetheart, and we are having a physical relationship. It feels too much like cheating to me. But as long as I can keep Allthe reality in mind, I feel I’ll be ok.

I believe part of the reason why I’m ok with this, is because when my dad and step mother met, he had just gotten divorced and she was in a dead marriage. In less than two years, they were married, and have been happily married for the last 25 years. They just clicked, wanted to be together, and made it work. She also has a bad back and some health issues, but they have had a great life together, lots of vacations, a great home, friends, parties, etc. if he hadn’t given her a chance, he really would have missed out. She didn’t have kids, but she did have sick parents, who ended up living with them not long after they married. They loved each other, wanted to be together, and made it work.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:22am
379: Turquoise says:

She is also the only woman my dad dated after my mom.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:25am
380: Tam says:

I feel nauseous. Physically and mentally…out of sorts.

I watched ‘he’s just not that into you’ last night.
It was ok.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 5:05am
381: Tam says:

359 Hey Indigo!!
Yes, there is an unfinished story. I just hope I can change myself enough so that this isn’t going on forever and ever. The potential for that is there…and it makes me really sad.
I am going to sit with it for a bit, as fighting it also didn’t work. Stumped.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 5:26am
382: Vi says:

YAY Emerson!!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:03am
383: Femininewoman says:

Emerson I have at least two men in my life that come to mind immediately. They both get enraged about such stories to the point where you can feel the anger as they express themselves. One consistently says I have a wife, a mother and a sister. For him those types of things are non-negotiable and unforgiveable. He is Indian and you should have seen his reaction to the news in Delhi where several men raped, mutilated and killed a 14 year old (I am not so sure about her age).

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:45am
384: BeLoved says:

370

Annie – yes, I see that, too.

I feel very interested in the idea of how shame, the feeling of ‘unwanted’, is so unbearable and intolerable that humans will go to tremendous lengths not to feel it.

I feel so sparked by this new awareness of shame and the connection between contempt and shame and I feel a little bit of relief in noticing that is shifting and healing in my body and mind.

It’s astounding how often I’ve been feeling and stuffing shame and not realizing it. Last night as I was falling asleep, something came up in my mind and I
Felt
So
Aware
and present, it was one of those beautiful, spacious, frame-by-frame moments where I could see where I was stuffing the feeling down by stirring up my thoughts so I was able to slowly, slowly, very very very gently and tenderly, sink into it bit by bit.
It took a while for the feeling to move, but it did. It sank into my belly, then up and up and up and through my sternum and chest and throat.

I felt it again this morning, feeling triggered by something on FB…I caught it, felt it deeply, and suddenly I saw exactly what the other person was seeing from their perspective, and *got* him, instead of feeling like I was fighting him (which was really fighting the FEELING).

I admit I heard my imaginary version of your voice in my head at first – “his thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with me”, which took me out of taking it personally, and from there I went to my feelings, and then wa-la! Connection.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:51am
385: Femininewoman says:

Emerson – I don’t tell people I don’t know where I work and all my personal info HELLOOO….

I have told people where I work because it is a huge place and I find many men ask that question and use it as a topic of discussion for getting to know you. Anyhoo my attention was draw to him saying you don’t answer questions so I was wondering if that was the only question he asked. If not this experience could be a useful mirror to help you prepare yourself with more feeling messages. If you feel uncomfortable sharing such info so early on I would encourage you to say that. Also look if this is one of your blocks to intimacy because truly the best way for someone to really know you is to ask you questions about yourself. A man who doesn’t ask me questions comes across as uninterested. If maybe you prefer to share certain things early on I wonder if you can figure a way to let a man know what you feel comfortable with so he doesn’t have to read your mind or make these kinds of mistakes. Remember the dating game can be difficult for all involved. We just were never taught how to connect with people.

Just my thoughts…….

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:53am
386: BeLoved says:

Oh, and too…I noticed that it seemed so intolerable to feel because the feeling affected my breath. My lungs felt tighter and it felt unnatural to let go and trust and let my body breathe the way it needed to and not control it.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:55am
387: Femininewoman says:

Yes BeLoved the breath. Whenever I really focus on sinking into my feelings and staying still for them to flow through me I have noticed that I actually stop breathing. I stop breathing. I was aware that I stopped breathing. When I noticed I tried to encourage myself to do it.

I found that so amazing.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:01am
388: Annie says:

Emerson.

“And although a man cannot understand a rape victim’s feelings, he can still show compassion and
be sensitive and maybe even silent…the ability to be empathetic to another…”

This is not possible as it is not possible for him to show TRUE compassion and be sensitive, without the understanding.
And if you go even deeper into the human psyche even if they can understand and care about a rape victims feelings if it were there Mother, Sister etc. They do not have that same caring towards a different woman for instance whom they perceive as a lower value, depending on their value system.
How some men might view a prostitute or escort girl of less value than their sister or mother.

Or some men in war crimes justify if they rape women who are considered the enemy.
Think of German officers who raped jewish woman.
They perceived them as vermin.
Rape is not a crime to do with sex.
It is to do with hatred/ control and power.

Or how white men justified raping negro women when they were slaves.
Muslim men justified raping white women in harems.

It is all to do with how they perceive the other person as low value and less than.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:02am
389: Femininewoman says:

Particularly when the feeling is *scary* or something I don’t want to feel, it is like I hold my breath. It struck me that is a way that we voluntarily kill ourselves.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:05am
390: Annie says:

BeLoved 370.

Have you read any of Dr Margaret Pauls work on healing core shame and inner bonding?

Also her College Dr Susan foreward.
Toxic parents.
Men who hate women and women who love to love them.
Books on incest etc.

This goes into the subject into more depth, if you feel interested.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:09am
391: BeLoved says:

Yikes! So much bubbling up!
It felt so empowering to observe and fully feel what my body was doing without trying to control it.
It reminded me of the article I think FW posted, about not caring if the relationship lives or dies,
I felt like that – being open and allowing and not fighting the feeling of dying, just letting it be and it didn’t matter whether the body lived or died, but it wasn’t apathy, it was detachment.

I feel SO interested because there is one particular feeling that C triggers in me that makes me feel so violent, so I wonder what is that feeling I have been fighting so hard…curious…maybe it will come up in meditation.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:10am
392: BeLoved says:

Awareness and understanding are flooding me…
I have been avoiding the consequences of my actions for a long time, trying not to be punished in external life for the horrible things I’ve done in the past.
I finally sat down with life and said, fine, I’ll accept the consequences, whatever comes, what matters to me is to grow and to allow life to express itself through and as me and if I have to live alone and celibate hated and as a pariah or whatever for forever then so be it, I’ll take it, that’s what life gave me and I’ll face it.

What life is showing me now, is that there are physical consequences, which manifest as external consequences. For example, an abortion hurts life….and life can respond with a process to compensate for the pain and heal the body and nervous system, if I can surrender to what the body needs to do, which might hurt. But that can’t happen if I don’t surrender, and if I don’t let my body heal itself then it makes me neurotic, which makes it difficult to love and be loved, so it’s a loop.

If I’m sitting around not admitting that what I did had an impact on life because of my shame or ignorance about it, because I’ve justified and rationalized it or feel victimized by life (this was me…haha…”I know I hurt Life, but dammit, Life hurt me FIRST!”, then I can’t allow my whole mind/body system to be healed by life itself.

I don’t know if this makes any sense to y’all but it’s making perfect sense to me and I feel scared about what feelings I might have to feel but it’s certainly not going to be any worse than the first 42 years of my life!!!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:27am
393: Femininewoman says:

I like this concept I saw as part of an email

As you know, my motivation is focused on the best possible dating outcome for you. I am a firm believer in the idea of win-win scenarios. I was first exposed to the concept by Steven Covey in his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

It’s a great book, but the one thing that stuck with me since I read it in college was this idea that successful people are always looking for situations where everyone wins. Rather than thinking of the world as a pie with only so many slices, Covey encourages people to constantly seek out situations where everyone wins.

Any small change you make in your daily habits can accumulate over time to become a significant positive or negative force in your life. Looking for win-win scenarios does not require much change. You already want the best for other people. You already work hard at various goals at work, school, or in various social contexts. I’m just suggesting a tiny habit change. Just look for one social opportunity for creating a win-win scenario each day.

When you look for something on a consistent basis, your mind learns to spot whatever it is you are looking for. Your brain changes over time, tuning-in to the things you make a habit of looking for.

What’s this got to do with dating? Well, see if you can recognize the connections yourself in the list of benefits that come from instigating win-win scenarios in social situations:

- Your mind becomes increasingly accustomed to spotting opportunities.

- You feel less anxious when you focus on other people’s welfare as much as your own.

– Your self-esteem goes up when you consistently help other people through win-win scenarios.

- It becomes easier to reach out to people when your motivation is for their well-being.

- You tend to meet more people in the process of making suggestions and introductions associated with various win-win ideas that come to your mind.

- Other people mention you more often in the context of explaining new opportunities and positive situations you suggested.

In other words, your social network tends to grow automatically and gradually over time.

Remember, small habit changes lead to big effects over time. All you need to do is look for at least one tiny win-win scenario each day until you find one and act on it. Soon you will start seeing win-win scenarios everywhere you look.

Talk to you soon!

James

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:35am
394: Femininewoman says:

BeLoved that triggered in my memory the tapping video I went through that was promoting Louise Hay. During the Tapping she spoke about being terrorized by life. Every time I go through that video it brings tears to my eyes. I was so unaware that I was carrying around a story of feeling terrorized by life.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:42am
395: Femininewoman says:

BeLoved your words are beautiful and your process is helping me so much today.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:43am
396: Emerson says:

Thanks fw I hear what you’re saying but the only other question he asked that I didn’t answer persay was about dating other people. He asked if I’m dating and I said yes and he wanted to know more so I said “I feel uncomfortable being asked that, I don’t want to go I to detail about my dating life with a man, but rest assured I am single”

Maybe he did t like that.
I’ve answered all other questions no big deal…
He’s also a drama queen last time I talked to hi it was all about him and an issue he was deali f with so it was his reason not to get together or make plans that we had lightly discusses previously. Maybe we are both looking for ways to block intimacy.
I understand what u mean they ask questions to get to know us but when I don’t reply within five minutes does not justify telling me an insult.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:45am
397: Emerson says:

I don’t think I want to talk to him anymore

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:47am
398: Femininewoman says:

Emerson I still say bring it back to you. I would look at how I answered the question maybe “I feel uncomfortable sharing details, suffice it to say I am dating. I like that feeling of excitement it brings when I meet new people. See I get to share my day with an interest masculine man. What do you think?”

Saying being asked that is focussing on his behavior. The “I don’t want” feels like a push back and so early on before a context is built between you two could come across as negative. Even the “with a man” kinda suggests a resistance to even allowing him to get close to you. It really feels almost like you are pushing him away. Don’t take this personal just try to put yourself in his shoe and experience what this might be like to him. Even the second para about the drama queen story. Can you see how this could leak out into your vibe?

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:57am
399: Femininewoman says:

when I don’t reply within five minutes does not justify telling me an insult.

I totally agree. This is where I say thinks like “I don’t want to be spoken to like that”. I will say it at least twice for it sink it. If he doesn’t adjust then I say bye. I believe men have a short attention space (Male Attention Deficity Disorder) so “three strikes” and I am out” happens often with them. They don’t hear me after repeating myself 3 times so I prefer to say things only once but I will say it max 3 times. Then bye!!!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:11am
400: Tam says:

Emerson, I’d go with my feelings. I have noticed that when I override my feelings and give ‘too much’ benefit of the doubt to men/people who make me feel bad or ‘off’, that the bad things tend to get worse over time, and I usually if not regret it, think ‘ugh, I knew it would be like this’.
Gut feelings are powerful, and often right.
I try to listen to them more these days.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:11am
401: Heart says:

Hi Blog – I need some advice….CudG asked me out again…but he asked me for next week and not this weekend…I feel a little bad.
We’ve only started re-hanging out a couple weeks go but
he would make his weekends open to me when we initially started last summer..and we saw each other on Saturdays a few times…

So…I’m trying not to care…I do have a full-ish life so usually have some plans in the works…
And he works on a weekend…
but still
it’s weird
I feel hurt
I feel angry…
I feel a little rejected..
but for the most part
I just feel Bored…
I feel so bored…
I can’t even feel safe to like him…
this “relationship” doesn’t seem to be flowing…

On the other hand..RomanceCd has been begging me to go out this weekend…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:14am
402: Femininewoman says:

Heart the only thing I have to say is that next week is closer to Valentine’s Day. I know men who disappear around this time. Plus with the cdating you get to choose.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:17am
403: Heart says:

The thing is I assume CudG cares about me..

because he asks me out…
because he puts a lot of thought in the date…
because he’s gentlemanly & heroic at times…

but I just assume that I’m special from his actions…
I don’t feel it
Things are different after the reconnection…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:17am
404: Rori Raye says:

miraculously – Welcome, and BRAVA to YOU!!! Thank you so much for this gorgeous post and for your bravery. I’d love it if you stayed in touch here and let us know how your journey is going… Love, Rori

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:18am
405: Heart says:

FW – you think he’s disappearing…I mean we are going out next week…

I stopped Cding when we started back up…
I felt guilty…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:23am
406: Heart says:

well I just talk to guys on phone message apps but the only person I’ve been seeing is CudG…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:24am
407: Rori Raye says:

shawnsuper – I’m allowing this comment in, in case you’re interested in following the “Posting Guidelines” – (over in the sidebar, look for the page). Again, if you hold these kinds of “opinions” about men (and wish to paint every Virgo man with the same “brush”) – I can’t imagine you would even WANT a man. It’s not possible to hate some men and love others. Not possible. Love, Rori

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:35am
408: Emerson says:

Thanks tam turquoise and fw.
Tam yes I know what you mean we should listen to our feelings.
Fw yes I see how my words could be pushing away. I feel sad and incapable if communicating like I always get it wrong. I feel sorry for myself always stumbling.
Turquoise
He sounds bitter and maybe that’s a judgement but it seems like it and also he seems to be carrying his baggage with him from somewhere else.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:40am
409: Heart says:

I feel hungry…
I want ice cream …

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:40am
410: Rori Raye says:

brokenhearted – You’ve just amazing added another great anecdote to the proposition that gay men make GREAT husbands! Look – if he were bi-sexual – this could work. it just might, could work, And his being gay offers you a great friendship. Have you ever watched “Will and Grace,” the TV show? You’re living it now…and there’s SO much out there on the web about women with gay men who didn’t know they were gay (and often, the men don’t know, either…).

Here’s my advice: Go get some help and information. Go visit your nearest LGBT center, talk to people. Talk to your man about how you might have been so easily fooled. Then go look at your own sexuality and how this man could have been convincing enough sexually to convince you he was into you physically. A truly gay man simply can’t get all worked up and passionate over a woman – just can’t do it. He might be great in bed technically – but it would feel like friendship. And I’d be truly surprised if he was at all interested in giving you oral sex.

You just need to make the most of this “learning situation.” There’s nothing to be mad about – you learned how a great relationship and communication works, and yet you let a HUGE lie pass unnoticed.

Love, Rori

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:43am
411: Emerson says:

398 fw looking back maybe he was trying to make peace by saying I need a thicker skin and he put a smiley face but by then I was feeling mad at being talked to that way so it was “too late”
I even told him I had a hard day and here someone who is supposed to be my friend is saying insults to me. I also told him he is carrying his baggage. Maybe I said too much but at this point oh well.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:43am
412: Emerson says:

Another issue is that this all happened over text which I hindsight seems really stupid. Texting can be subject to misinterpretation.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:48am
413: Starla says:

Memulo, I’m sorry that I can’t keep trying to explain what I am saying about you talking shxt about yourself. I am feeling extremely extremely extremely triggered, like how I would feel if someone was talking shxt about a friend of mine and not seeing what the harm is and insisting it’s true. I feel rage coursing through my veins and pooling in my frontal lobe…. i want to lash out and tell you how wrong and stupid you are for saying and thinking those things about my friend. But that doesn’t work because the person talking shit about my friend Memulo is.. Memulo. So I’m stuck.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:58am
414: Starla says:

Turquoise

“he hasn’t mentioned marriage at all this week, but he does talk about normal stuff, like once the weather is better all the walks he wants us to take, and that I have to text him when I get to the lodge because he worries about me driving, and telling me about his day, asking about mine, etc.”

and thank god. cuz the constant marriage talk was putting you off. seriously, this is how it’s supposed to be. the forever sappy stuff every now and then, and the present, in the moment, supportive of your life kind of chitchat every day.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:05am
415: Femininewoman says:

Heart on the contrary. I don’t think he is disappearing. What I was saying is that I know guys who do disappear around this time. I have been told that by them. Little boy games.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:05am
416: Goodheart says:

FW, your post 393 – oh my goodness. I let it sink into my heart & just like that, within minutes, I attracted a win-win into my life!

It’s a way for me to make a little bit of extra money while greatly helping someone else AND I get to practice the skills I want to develop for my dream career (so it’s like win-win-win) Thank you~

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:09am
417: Femininewoman says:

Emerson he most likely is carrying baggage. Remember Rori suggests to let him deal with his issues and you deal with yours. She also says don’t let his mood affect yours. Don’t go down the rabbit hole with him. You stay in your happy vibe no matter what he is saying or doing.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:10am
418: Femininewoman says:

Question is should a man who you are not in relationship with or around a lot be able to push your trigger button at the drop of a hat?

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:11am
419: Femininewoman says:

You are welcome Goodheart.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:12am
420: Emerson says:

I have a strong urge to “fix” it with blueCD now I am doubting myself and feeling regret ….

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:17am
421: Emerson says:

418 I don’t know why I let him get to me. It was triggering that I was told to have a thicker skin when he uses an insulting word toward my character. Maybe I’m extra sensitive because I feel on edge lately. There’s a lot of gossip at work and I stays out of it but it still feels draining and there is so much drama I hate it.
I feel incapable of so many things

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:20am
422: Lori says:

I’m feeling a little sad but trying to stay positive. I haven’t heard from K since Monday when he emailed me. I’m trying to remind myself that his distance has nothing to do with me. He was away on business and the Superbowl is Sunday which means he’s slammed. (He’s in Sports Entertainment).

On a good note, I’ve been CDing like crazy! My cousin and I went to Starbucks before work this morning to chat and have coffee. Met three police officers who were chatting it up with us. I’m going to Vegas tomorrow with a girlfriend. They are going too! So, they have my number and may call me while there. I’m supposed to have a date but haven’t heard from him since Weds.

What’s hard is I have been comparing every guy with K. Ugh. The bar has been raised.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:20am
423: Tereana says:

I’m afraid my uti is coming back. It’s not as “hurty” as before, but it still feels weird – like maybe it never completely went away, either.

I got food poisoning from something that I ate on Tuesday. I just feel sick all over. And I’m going to work anyway, because I don’t want to cancel my appointments.

If don’t get my period today, though, I am seriously going to wonder if I’m preggers. I was sure there wasn’t chance it could happen, but you can always be wrong. And all this sickness is making me wonder. But I could be wrong about that, too…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:21am
424: Emerson says:

Plus I didn’t expect him to come out and say something negative to me. It kinda hit me out if the blue sky..

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:22am
425: Emerson says:

Tereana there is the noro virus going around.
Sorry you don’t feel good.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:24am
426: Heart says:

FW – I feel confused now…what are you trying to say? …that I can gauge his intentions by if he makes Valentine’s day plans?

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:25am
427: Emerson says:

Lori how fun you met those cops I’m feeling jealous ))

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:30am
428: Heart says:

At the end of the day…I should start Cding again….So I let my horse stop at an oasis for a bit …that’s ok…
It’s all practice..I’ll start cding in March…I want to return to dating myself…

Also of sadness & pining etc has left me since I’ve started seeing CudG though…
I generally feel good…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:31am
429: Emerson says:

417 this is good advice thanks fw

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:31am
430: Heart says:

I’m still hungry!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:36am
431: Femininewoman says:

Heatt his energy is coming towards you. He might want a casual relationhsip right now but his energy is coming towards you in some way. With Valentine’s day around the corner a guy who was only looking for sex might disappear at this time. However he asked you out. All I am saying is go with the flow and let the men compete for your attention. Don’t disqualify him just because he is working this weekend.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:37am
432: Lori says:

I don’t even want to think about Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to expect anything.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:40am
433: Miraculously Loved says:

I feel very safe today and the pressure of my previous post has passed and I am back to my normal confident self. After I am done here I am going to the gym to work out, again. I understand and know I will never be “ready” for true love but I must be patient with it. Receiving it feels wrong sometimes and I feel like running. Its the very reason I got involved with the wrong guys in the first place…I feel intelligent and open and all the good things within me that make me alive. Including the fear that drives me away…it’s a beautiful fear that makes it so I know if I am in danger. That feels liberating that I know how to listen to my bodies responses and the reactions that result from those responses. I am a whole person now with my thoughts and feelings integrated; my behaviors now match my thoughts and feelings and I do not have to question myself anymore. Confidence feels amazing.
I am separating myself from the liar inside me that would lie to me and say it’s ok to ignore my feelings; the very liar that led me to liars who told me the same thing.
It feels good to be separate and whole while I’m in a relationship and it feels good that I now have the confidence to walk down the aisle…with the honest man that my honest self found..you know the voice, the one that says “ask him how he feels and then watch his response; give him a little and not everything and see where he goes with it; don’t let go of other men until he tells you he wants to let go of other women, completely”. That honest part that said “You are beautiful and worthy and you don’t need another person to tell you how beautiful and worthy you are” The honest hard A$$ that says; sex is not a validation that he sees you as valuable or that he’s trying, you must watch his other behaviors, ask and then watch for his response…if it doesn’t feel like love to you, it’s not love” The honest part of myself that said “What is love?”
and then I thought of the most purest examples of love that ever walked across my path and then I sought him out and everyone that wasn’t him, no matter how much sex we had, no matter how much I wanted the relationship, I moved on to the next and let him go forever! It feels so good to be honest and mature and wise…My ladies you are honest and mature and wise as well…I embrace you that don’t know your own strength in hopes that you know you can do this…I was hurt too but I had to be committed to myself, committed to growing up my hurt feelings and bringing them into the present; committed to releasing anything that didn’t created beauty in my life and let go of those that sought to hold me back.
In this process I lost my best friend of 20 years; she didn’t know how to respond to the more confident me/her position in my life had always been based on how much I needed her…my heart still breaks over that. She said mean and hurtful things but I did not lash back at her because I knew what had happened; I used her too much as a listening device and when I got happy; she felt used…it wasn’t fair to her. She wasn’t mature enough to come to me and tell me how she felt and then work it out. It’s sad that she chose to go away like she did and I still hurt over that; but it’s ok..that hurt will pass and I will find another best friend. Let those who don’t see your strength as a good thing, go and men who use you and zap you of your power (regardless of your feelings for them) to feel strong (instead of strengthening you) should always be let go.
There is something in the “he makes me feel weak” statement that lies to us and tells us this is a good thing…it’s not! If he makes you feel weak because all of your emotion and energy is being prompted in HIS direction instead of his into YOUR direction then the situation must be clarified or ended…Peace to all the sirens today!!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:40am
434: MovingMagic says:

I had a man become super defensive when I didn’t respond to his text for hours. Not responding wasn’t intentional, I was overloaded emotionally with news regarding my mothers treatments. I honestly just forgot. He basically told me bye, & to take care. *Lesson learned -don’t be that guy, ladies.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:44am
435: Femininewoman says:

OMG Miraculously Loved thank you thank you thank you for sharing. You sound like you are in such a good place. I enjoyed reading that comment about the house and your feelings of engulfment.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:46am
436: Heart says:

Thank u FW…that felt good to read.

Yes…I’ll start cding again at some point..
I’m still cding in a sense…but not going out on actual dates.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:47am
437: Emerson says:

434 moving magic thank you for sharing that.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:48am
438: Emerson says:

Miraculously loved
I lost lifelong friends as well during my time of growth and learning not to be codependent. It still stings but somehow I can’t seem to find the motivation to try and reconcile. Feels like a closed chapter.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:51am
439: Miraculously Loved says:

Embrace…Embrace…Embrace ALL good and wonderful things…let him treat you wonderfully but don’t expect it! I have to remind myself to do that every day…I am never disappointed anymore;
I look at the screen as an image of my reflection and my words like my face…it is clear and beautiful right now….I sometimes wish this could have happened many moons ago…I tell as many women as I can about Rori and this blog because it really made the difference.
I look back and remember this girl who was going to prove everyone wrong. Whenever someone said “He’s not right for you, you need to get rid of him.” I felt a challenge to prove them wrong and to show them that I could “win” his heart…I needed to validate myself by winning the attention (not necessarily) the love of these “bad boys”; often thought it was funny when men in other relationships looked at me (yeah I know, gross)…that feels yucky to even me, but I forgive it because I didn’t know I was doing it. it was power to know that I was winning over another woman…it was the challenge for me; my masculine energy at work in a very destructive way…I wonder how many of us still love that feeling of new love; of the challenge and then when we get it, it’s not good enough because it gets boring for a bit…I feel inquisitive about that in myself..my competitive side…I’m very competitive and that can be a good thing. I am loving me right now…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:58am
440: Starla says:

when i didn’t answer alaska’s texts within and hour or two, he emailed me. when i didn’t answer the emails, he showed up at my freaking office.

don’t be that guy, indeed, ladies.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 9:58am
441: Femininewoman says:

Matthew Jeffers is a senior acting major at Townsend State University. He’s a diehard Baltimore Ravens fan.

As an adult, he stands at only 4’2″ Matthew has suffered a great deal ofpain in his short life and has gone through 20 + surgeries.

Regardless of all of his challenges and setbacks, he has one amazing philosophy that can change your life
in a very big way.

and that philosophy is…
THE ONLY DISABILITY IN LIFE IS A BAD ATTITUDE.

Enjoy this video and please pass it on as his message is too important not to be heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Wd89IydtXyk

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:01am
442: Miraculously Loved says:

TY! FW =) a very long road indeed.

Emerson, I don’t think I can try to reconcile with her although in my fantasies I wish it were possible. She has a particular image of me embedded in her mind and I can’t change that image because SHE shut ME out. If she would open the door again, I could show her a new image, but it would have to her that does it otherwise I am just begging for her love and affection and owning her feelings and trying to change her mind the way I have always done with men.
This is why I haven’t moved toward reconciliation because she shut the door, if I reopened it even to peek, I would be intruding and giving her power and even the ability to hurt me again…that’s why I won’t do it…WOW you just really helped me answer that; thank you. I have been tempted to write her but haven’t done it and couldn’t figure out why; but now I know..because I don’t trust her not to hurt me again and I won’t give her that power…if she wants to return to reconcile then I will accept it from a distance; if not, I thank her for her help and I release her to the universe and God and I forgive her hurtful words…Blessings

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:09am
443: Indigo says:

ooh, Starla and Moving Magic, I am so with you there!

There is no bigger turn-off for me than a guy who can’t respect my need to reply in my own time.

I have had quite a few guys complain if I don’t reply when I’m in a meeting, or gone for a ride on my horse, or in the bath, or with friends, or just waiting until I *want* to reply, and it is sometimes enough to make them leave, and I say bye without a second thought. Respect in this way is very important to me. And of course, you are so right, guys desire this kind of respect too

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:13am
444: Indigo says:

Heart, Lori

re: Valentine’s Day. Mm, I am with you there. I have traditionally been triggered by Valentine’s Day, and I am choosing not to be triggered this year.

We’ll see how it goes. But I am rooting for myself

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:15am
445: Miraculously Loved says:

Powerful strong competitive confident radiant…married; Looking at Castles next week for the wedding; I deserve to be the Queen of the castle; sitting on my throne…respected, honored, revered and wanted…(here in my sweatpants)…LOL

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:25am
446: MovingMagic says:

Indigo/Starla. I can recall texting with a fella, & leaving my phone mid texting session to go to the restroom…I was gone only a few minutes, & when I came back the guy had sent me a text asking if I had already forgotten him. Whoa! Haha. Run for the hills!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:26am
447: Miraculously Loved says:

Indigo, Heart and Lori:
The year before last I was asked out for Valentines day by 3 men and I said no to all of them and then did something for myself. It felt powerful to turn them down. I made plans for me and set up time for me and got a babysitter for me and just let it be my choice to not go out with anyone just to remind myself that whether its V-day or any day; I am my own best lover…

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:35am
448: MovingMagic says:

I love that Miraculously Loved!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:37am
449: Emerson says:

393 fw what a great piece of info
I tend to think In terms of win won but I don’t truly believe its possible maybe…. So I shut it off like its just a fantasy. But it’s not…I want to believe truly that it can be possible.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:55am
450: Femininewoman says:

Emerson I truly don’t believe the context of bluecd and Alaska are the same as you did not meet him yet. I agree that he seems to have been putting you off a while but as one of Rori’s article said “Be Amazing and Forget About Him”. Another article says “When you Change Something. He Changes.” I believe in staying focused on being one’s best self out in the world. One last article I want to bring to your attention includes the words “You showed huge enthusiasm to get together and spend time, proceeded by zero follow-up”. Also “When you don’t show up, act erratically or show disrespect – whether intentionally or not – you weed out all the guys who have self-respect. They’re just going to say forget this and move on.”
I am not in the least bit suggesting that you did something wrong all I am saying is being open to learning helps our minds to see the lessons. I would re-read http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/uncategorized/what-were-you-thinking-girl-how-to-stop-self-sabotage-ali-binazir/#more-4278 in the context of this latest experience for what it’s worth. Just be careful not to beat up yourself. We are all learning.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:57am
451: Femininewoman says:

Emerson the first step is to believe. Then your mind will direct your eyes to find ways and opportunities to make it possible.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:00am
452: Starla says:

i have no idea if alaska is the same as emerson’s dude, but i am still haunted by the experience! haha.

he and i are friends now and he has a gf now, but alaska still thinks i could be the love of his life. oh well.

warriorcd has been sending me that message lately too. oh well.

QZ is the winner! hehe. he treats me sooooo good and let’s me have space and freedom without guilting me like how warrior and alaska would

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:43am
453: Turquoise says:

THANK YOU STARLA! For the wonderful reminder. I’m feeling teary and hormonal today…. sigh. I am stopping to see him after work. I told him I can’t shake this “off” feeling and didn’t want to go away for the weekend like this. He said he thinks it’s just because we haven’t seen each other much and would love to see me. Maybe I just need some hugs and kisses. I am excited about my trip though, and will be on the road in a few hours! I’ll check in with you sirens later!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:44am
454: Lori says:

okay ladies, I’m really, really wanting to reach out to K. Talk me out of it please.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:49am
455: Liquid Light says:

I made a vow to myself last night that I was going to be happy for a week, no matter what happens. So far, so good!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:50am
456: Femininewoman says:

No Lori. You ask yourself why you want to do that.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:52am
457: Turquoise says:

Lori, give yourself a time frame…. I won’t reach out to him until at least 8PM, then move it up to, tomorrow at noon, and repeat. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment for not contacting him and want to keep that feeling going! Good luck, I know it’s not easy!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:53am
458: Lori says:

FW and Turq. I won’t because I know I have to lean back. I need to refocus my energy. I do know why I want to. It’s for me, not for him. I need reassurance that he’s “there”. Intellectually, I know that he’s been up to his ears in work all week and this weekend. I’m just feeling a little scared that he’s disappeared. I don’t like feeling like this. yuck.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 11:56am
459: Tam says:

Lori, think how much better you will feel if he contacts you instead. Rather than waiting for a response and run the risk of not getting one.
That has always helped me not to lean forward.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:00pm
460: Lori says:

Agreed. It’s always exciting and rewarding when he contacts me because I know he truly wants to talk to me.

I know I’m being insecure. His being “absent” has nothing to do with me or how he feels about me. It has everything to do with work.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:03pm
461: Femininewoman says:

I’m just feeling a little scared that he’s disappeared

Lori ask yourself if this fear makes sense. Also if the fear can stop him from disappearing if he wants to. This is where your inner work is. The fear is what drives our actions.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:30pm
462: Lori says:

FW, it doesn’t make sense. I realize it doesn’t and no it can’t stop him from going anywhere if he wants to.

I realize that it’s my fear of abandonment, rejection which stems from my childhood of going from foster home to foster home until I was 4.

It’s incredible how these fears stay with us. I’ve had to work hard to get to where I am now but still have a lot of work to do.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:34pm
463: Femininewoman says:

Lori that little 4 year old girl inside you sounds like she could use some love and InnerBonding. I encourage you to talk to her. Introduce her to her grown up self and let her know you are there to protect her and you will never leave her. Let her know you love her and will always be there for her. Remember you can parent your inner child.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:43pm
464: Femininewoman says:

Decide if you are a victim, survivor, conqueror or compassionate lover and take loving action towards yourself.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:50pm
465: Lori says:

Awww FW, that made me choke up. I will always be a conqueror. I don’t just survive, I grow. But, I had forgotten about her or maybe I had just stuffed her down. Gave her a cookie to pacify her. lol. I do need to nurture her that I will always take care of her.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 12:58pm
466: Femininewoman says:

Gave her a cookie to pacify her. emmm…….Maybe not. Hug her. Massage her chest/back. Let her cry. Let her feel her terror while telling her she will never be abandoned again.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:06pm
467: Lori says:

I was being silly about the cookie. I’ve never been one to nurture myself, always everyone else around me. I need to do that for myself now.

It’s hard when your a mom to do that sometimes. I see the need in my children and put them first.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:08pm
468: Starla says:

Lori, it’s the superbowl! the f*cking superbowl!! hehe. the most important sporting event in america all year. he is just busy

when i did the photoshoot and interview with the magazine last week, i went pretty silent on QZ… and that was just one day and one magazine. Sometimes we can only manage to ‘care’ about one big thing at a time, and i didn’t have much energy left to show QZ attention or affection.

PS i think football is stupid and am lucky to have a bf who agrees, so on superbowls he spends the day with me and we make love and eat chinese food and enjoy the quiet streets while everyone’s in front of their TVs. We did this last year and I’m so glad we get to do it again!

While everyone’s boyfriends are glued to some dumb game, my man is glued to my body;) Oooh I feel like bragging and rubbing it in to the whole world

“i am a bad person”

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:08pm
469: Lori says:

LMAO Starla! You totally made me bust out laughing. He is in sports entertainment so he makes ALOT of money during this time of year and on THIS game. He will working non stop until after the game starts.

I get what your saying. He has compartmentalized and is totally focused on the objective. He is amazingly good at staying focused.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:10pm
470: Femininewoman says:

As I began to open to my deeper core feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, sorrow, and feelings of being crushed and shattered, I realized that all my hiding – which created my wounded feelings – was aimed at avoiding these core feelings that I had never learned how to manage.

Once I understood this, I was able to bring compassion – kindness, gentleness, tenderness and understanding – to my painful core feelings, and to learn what they were telling me about a person or situation. I realized that my wounded feelings were telling me about how I was treating myself, and my core feelings were telling me about how others were treating me and about what was happening in different situations.

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3380/are-you-hiding.htmlhttp://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3368/the-challenge-of-conflict.html

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:13pm
471: Emerson says:

450 thanks for that FW
He has expressed much interest in meeting then with fizzling out and no follow up… Only to reappear later and want to see me “now” on short notice and asking “where do you work” and when i didnt reply he is calling me shady…etc i was scared he was going to show up there,,, it felt weird. I’m open to learn new things and trying not to be so paranoid but we have to be careful as women out there. I had a stalker before and it’s not a chapter I care to revisit so I need to work on this… Ugh I feel hopeless

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:13pm
472: Lori says:

FW 470, I think you just hit the nail on the head. I’ve been slowly peeling away at these feelings for a few years now. It’s like the closer I get, the more it hurts and then I feel afraid. It takes a lot of courage to do it and I have that in spades. I want to be whole and healthy.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:15pm
473: Starla says:

Aww Lori, I knew there was something that made me feel so connected to you. Both my parents abandoned me by the time I was in high school.

(((((((((Lori)))))))))))

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:15pm
474: Femininewoman says:

Too often, we try to fill our need for connection without first healing our inner disconnection. The failure of many marriages and intentional communities is a testament to the futility of trying to create loving relationships and caring communities without first doing the inner work necessary to be connected with oneself. The neediness and controlling behavior that dominates relationships between people who are not connected with themselves is what is responsible for the high divorce rate and the failure of many communities.

Connection Must Start With Self and Higher Self

In order to manifest our deepest desire to connect in a loving way with others, we first need to learn to connect in a loving way with ourselves. What this means is that we need to learn be present with a compassionate intent to learn from all of our feelings – especially our painful feelings. The moment you reject your own feelings by ignoring them, judging them, turning to addictions to avoid feeling them, or making another person responsible for them, you are disconnecting from yourself – abandoning yourself and making it impossible to connect with another.

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3403/connection-our-deepest-desire.html

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:18pm
475: Starla says:

Lori, I’m peeling the layers too. I have a great therapist helping me.

It feels amazing to work with him because he is actually on my side. He tells me that the things I went through with my parents are unfair and that it’s understandable that i react certain ways to things.

He was the first person in my adult life to suggest that my mom is just a sick, bad person. The first person ever to suggest that to me was actually a therapist when I was 14. Go figure.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:18pm
476: Starla says:

also of note: when i started with my therapist, it was cuz i was about an impulse and a half from committing su*cide. I went in a screaming, crying, bruised (self inflicted) mess, and only a year and a half later I am this completely different person. He didn’t actually help me much with that aspect of things — to be honest, the women here helped me more than anything. They encouraged me to take care of myself as much as possible, and to ditch men who made me feel crazy and su*cidal.

but now we’re peeling off the layers and i’m determined to learn to regulate my emotional reactions that are really just childhood triggers in disguise.

In the meantime, every few days I do kinda “freak out” on QZ. I tell him it’s not his fault and I never take it out on him, but it’s scary to let someone see how weak and freaky i can be, lol.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:23pm
477: Mercedes says:

Lori: I get what you’re saying. J will be working the Superbowl too and I’m not going so we’ll be apart on a weekend night for the first time in a LONG time (lucky for me he will be going on Sunday and not tonight like some of the other people he works with. He’s going to be able to join me for the color run so that’s really cool).

Anyway, it’s frustrating but I get it…has to be done and I’m not able to go so…it’ll be what it is…one night apart isn’t going to kill us. lol In the meantime, my son asked me if I wanted to be his date for a Superbowl party since we don’t have tv at home for me to watch and he knows I don’t like going to bars/parties by myself. What would have been boring has turned into a cool opportunity to spend the day with my son. YAY! PLUS, I get to spend time at a coffee shop earlier in the day with another woman – talking girl talk before the game. Nice!

But I do get the whole “focus on the Superbowl” thing with these men and women who are working it. It’s such a huge event that things need to be perfect and they are responsible for making it that way. Lots of pressure. Things will settle down pretty much immediately after so that’s good. The countdown to the end of the big day begins right now!

Will your guy actually be in New Orleans for the game? If so, I find that cool/weird that we don’t know each other in person but our men will be in the same building at the same time. haha! Fun thought!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:23pm
478: Femininewoman says:

So maybe you should be calling him out on “He has expressed much interest in meeting then with fizzling out and no follow up” rather than discussing meeting and what you want in a man. Maybe something like “I don’t take men seriously who don’t keep their word. I really expect that men I date be honest with me about where they’re at otherwise I am not interested”.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:29pm
479: Femininewoman says:

Mercedes is the best (in my mind) in calling men out on their sheet

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:31pm
480: Mercedes says:

FW: LOL! That is certainly something I rarely hesitate to do, especially when I’m angry about something or when I’m being treated in a disrespectful manner.

(I have learned to do it with a little more grace than in the past though…)

Much Love,
Mercedes

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:38pm
481: Starla says:

My mother gave me a lot of sheet (really abusive, manipulative, irresponsible sheet and she kept us isolated so that no one could ever call her out on it), and when i called her out on it, she punished me harshly for months and months and months on end and eventually disappeared.

so now i get really triggered and freaked out when i need to call someone out on their sheet. i cry and shake. i’m workin on it now. it would feel so good to just say matter of factly that i don’t like something, and not worry they’re going to abuse me or leave me.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:43pm
482: Femininewoman says:

http://evolvingwisdom.com/artoflove2/

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:44pm
483: Lori says:

Fw, so very true and I completely agree. I’m working on it.

Mercedes, K works in Vegas. This weekend will be nuts.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:47pm
484: Emerson says:

478 fw I like that idea…
It all feels so tiring

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 1:52pm
485: Indigo says:

Sirens, help please.

D contacts me almost constantly, and it is making these 6 months apart almost impossible to do.

I mean, he contacts me every day to say hi and how are you, and send me something like a song he thinks I’ll like, or have a little chat. And I love it, but it makes me feel like he cares, and I just can’t.

Yet, if he contacts me, I feel compelled to respond. But it opens me up when I was just starting to get a hold of myself. It makes me want to ask if he’s meeting someone, or open to meeting someone, or if he still loves me. It puts my attention back on him and I don’t want it to be. And HE gets frustrated, because he checks in for a lighthearted chat and to show he’s thinking about me, and I end up getting all emotional.

I’m considering asking him to not contact me for a few days. He’s religiously contacted me at least every second day for two and a half years now, but it throws me into a complete tailspin now. I love hearing from him, but the way things are now, it throws me off balance. Moreover, I don’t want to alienate him when I find myself just typing out my feelings and asking him questions when they all come tumbling out.

What do you think?

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 2:22pm
486: Starla says:

Indigo, does he send emails? I can help you set up a filter so that his emails go into a separate folder and you don’t ever have to see that he’s emailing you unless you open up the folder to check.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 2:29pm
487: Liquid Light says:

I was just at an intersection and when the light turned green, I started moving. But I guess I wasn’t going fast enough because the guy behind me started honking at me, and he kept doing it even after I took the on-ramp onto the freeway. But I didn’t let it bother me. (Normally I would have gotten pissed and flipped him off or something.)

Happiness vow is working!!!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 2:36pm
488: Starla says:

yay liquid light!

and lol@ aggro drivers. chill pill, dude!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 2:37pm
489: Miraculously Loved says:

@474 FW: As with anything it is about balance and the right thing at the right time. Relationships and the triggers in them help us heal and can help us connect as we become aware of the disconnects in our being so in truth these triggers will never be gone or truly healed. We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect and allow others to not be perfect.
So, I don’t propose that we don’t look at our inner stuff but what I learned with Rori is the exact opposite of what everyone else ever told me. I received a great deal of judgment over it as I CD’d lots of men with the target and focus being to find the best man and the one that I love with all of his imperfections and all of mine. I still get triggered by some of the things he does, and goodness by his mother but it’s not about him. Its about my stuff however, I could never really be completely healed until I allowed myself to be in a confident relationship and let myself be completely me; with all my broken parts. I felt a little twinge when I saw that people don’t heal their connections first but if their connections can only be healed by the trust and commitment of a real relationship (sometimes with other people, sometimes with friends and sometimes with a lasting partner). I felt confused as I am having a different experience with this.
I have had so many get upset with me for dating while I was single with children and had to fight through them telling me to get over my hurts with one relationship before I got into another? However, as I dated and as with what I think Rori gets at that each guy is not only possibly “it” but also a way to assist us in getting past some of our disconnects. It is harder because it is more challenging and yes a person must be ready for even this step but I have to say: I go against the grain on the notion that we have to be healed but be willing to be healed while navigating mature and loving relationships…I’m wondering how you feel about that?

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 3:01pm
490: Miraculously Loved says:

FW: also I do see the value of being connected to ones’ self first and I agree with that. It feels good to be connected and I feel a sense of wonder right now from the beautiful excitement of this challenge to me..

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 3:07pm
491: Indigo says:

Starla

thank you girl it’s via skype. And I know it would be the easiest thing in the world to block him, but I just can’t bring myself to do that.

I keep coming back to, doing no contact for a while would be best.

Maybe for a while I just need to disable skype, facebook etc., and really go through the pain of this cold turkey.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 3:34pm
492: Indigo says:

Lori 454

Do you have someone, a favourite friend, you can contact for a good chat instead? It could be something inside you calling out for a bit of connection.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 3:40pm
493: brokenhearted says:

Rori…. thanks for your help. To answer your questions
I only seen will&grace couple times
Sexual he has gone down oral lots of times always seem to me he loved it. He never went for the back door.
I have other gay friends and you can tell there gay by the dress talking everything else.
I’m confused why make all plans for future if its not true he is older man in his 30s so I would think by then you would be fully out the closet?
When u say gay men make great husbands or bi men does that mean you get to enjoy sexual relations with two men
Idk maybe with some healing I can be friends with him but I feel so hurt now I mean he asked my father if he could have my hand in marriage idk this is so crazy for me right now its hard pill to swallow for anyone thanks again rori

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:08pm
494: Femininewoman says:

Brokenheart how old are you? A 30 something man is a very young man to be starting his family life.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:14pm
495: Femininewoman says:

I totally agree with you Miraculously Loved. BTW I absolutely love your screen name

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:18pm
496: brokenhearted says:

@FW
I’m 34 and he is 35. We are both well established to the point if we didn’t want to work we could retire and enjoy life.. we do investing trading overseas so money was never issues.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:20pm
497: Jessie1000 says:

hi memulo and ulii…My date went great last night…he made salmon and potatoes, he wanted to give me booze lol but I had to take alot of robaxacet to get to his house…then he got drunk on whiskey and we were just eating and sitting and listening to music and smoking then he said stand up….lol so I did and he sat down in my recliner, lol and sat me on his knee. Then we just talked for along time…I love to sit on my mans lap and its wierd cause I never told him that!!!
He was so romantic and didnt try to be a pig, and he is such a nice kisser, very sexy, first kiss Ive had since my sexy Beau that I left in ontario…
Anyway I enjoyed him alot, I will name him Chivas cause he drinks expensive whiskey….He told me to come see him this weekend …hooking it up already for the next time…lol its fun to date now compared to my PRE-RORI days lol
Kisses girls!!!
may all your Beaus love you, kiss you, and leave you better off than before!!!

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 4:29pm
498: Memulo says:

FW I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel like an ice princess. I’m pretty emotional. Im affectionate. I don’t know how to defend myself at times. I’m not aggressive. My manager had a conversation with me today that I’m not aggressive enough. And he is right. I let people who are less professional and less qualified walk over me. Tonight I feel like a pushover. Regarding your mirror question – most people find me pretty and most guys want me. Still it didn’t get me very far. The reason is above. Part of it is that I don’t expect to be hit. Like with that grandmother comment it took me days to realize it was wrong. At the time I refused to believe I was being put down. And I do it all the time. I don’t put people down and don’t recognize right away when they do. Not sure how to change that.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 5:51pm
499: LiliBee says:

Rori:

I so hope you get to read this! Awesome!

I downloaded a dozen mp3s from 4 different relationship coaches for my 8 hour bus ride to my family for the holidays. The 1st to play during the trip I fell asleep on. I never got to your teleclasses I had on that mp3 player.

When I got back home and went back to work, I plugged the mp3 player in my car to listen to on the drive to work…Your teleclasses were the only ones that will play in my car!

I fell asleep on the other ones in the bus, then yours are the only ones to play in my car…for some reason, my car won’t play the other relationship coaches’ mp3s, only yours!

I had a technology expert from work look at it, and he can’t figure out why. They are all mp3s, all 12 of them, but only the 4 from you will play. I don’t have time to listen to them anywhere else.

The Universe is on your side Rori!

I take it as a sign that the only mp3s I need are yours Rori.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:07pm
500: LiliBee says:

486:

Starla,

Just like Carrie did for Big’s emails in Sex and the City.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:10pm
501: Annie says:

410: Rori Raye says:

“brokenhearted – You’ve just amazing added another great anecdote to the proposition that gay men make GREAT husbands! Look – if he were bi-sexual – this could work. it just might, could work, And his being gay offers you a great friendship. ”

I can see how gay men can make great husbands to other gay men in a gay marriage
I feel unable to see how a gay man makes a great husband for a heterosexual woman. A great friend yes, husband no.
If he were bisexual, and the woman was bisexual then again yes.
I don’t know any heterosexual women who would feel happy to share her man sleeping with another man. However I feel open to the possibility that they may exist.
In this case though It is if this man wants to marry brokenhearted and if she would be happy with a gay man.
Are they a good match?
Are their needs wants and desires compatible?

“Have you ever watched “Will and Grace,” the TV show? You’re living it now…and there’s SO much out there on the web about women with gay men who didn’t know they were gay (and often, the men don’t know, either…).”
In what way?
Do you mean they are denying it?
Ashamed to admit it?

“Here’s my advice: Go get some help and information. Go visit your nearest LGBT center, talk to people. Talk to your man about how you might have been so easily fooled.:

That feels good advice to me.

“Then go look at your own sexuality and how this man could have been convincing enough sexually to convince you he was into you physically. A truly gay man simply can’t get all worked up and passionate over a woman – just can’t do it.”

“He might be great in bed technically – but it would feel like friendship. And I’d be truly surprised if he was at all interested in giving you oral sex.”
I feel curious about this.

“You just need to make the most of this “learning situation.”

True, but i wouldn’t think that easy

“There’s nothing to be mad about ”
I feel sad reading this.
It may not upset everyone.
Reality is Brokenhearted is upset about being deceived and lied to.
Her heart hurts.
Hugs Brokenhearted.
Finding out the truth sometimes feels painful.

– you learned how a great relationship and communication works, and yet you let a HUGE lie pass unnoticed.

According to mike foire.
All men have looked a woman. women in the eye and lied.
It is normal human behaviour from about the age of three to lie.
It is a huge milestone when children do this,
the first step of level one empathy
Children who are delayed in this have Aspergers/ Autism.

I feel confused, as there was such a huge secret, how is that a great relationship and communication?
I get that it may have been good in some ways.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 6:45pm
502: Annie says:

53: miraculosly loved.

BINGO!

It feels good to hear of your journey towards happiness and love.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:00pm
503: Annie says:

63: miraculously loved says:

“You still have feelings trapped inside this experience; that just triggered me…its not the relationship I’m reacting to with my fear and wanting to run but my feelings being trapped inside another experience; I feel curious about how to release them or to bridge them…hmmm?? I’ll have to explore this! How amazing and uncomfortable.”

Hi, my understanding is it is when we have been in a helpless situation where our safest option for survival was the freeze, rather than go into fight or flight.
The safest way for you have avoided death.
And everything shuts down so you feel less pain if you do die.
It is our bodies way of making death less painful.
Think of an animal that a lion would eat.
They like their prey alive and to kill it themselves before they eat it.
If the animal fakes death, the lion may leave it, this gives it chance to run when the lion is walking away.
What the animal does is shake first to release the trapped energy and happily goes on it’s way.
If as humans we survive these situations and we start to shake we need to be left to shake and do this
and not helped to stop shaking.
Otherwise this energy becomes stuck and we are not happily able to move on.

This man will go into in in more depth.
http://www.psychotherapy.net/video/trauma-therapy-PTSD-peter-levine.

I feel reminiscent. I remember Rori saying that when we start to express our feelings in an authentic way reconnecting to ourselves it feels scary and we may shake.
Feel curious, is this releasing the trapped energy Rori?

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:22pm
504: Annie says:

Brokenhaerted.

“He told me he was Gay this whole time and he was using me as a cover so his family and friends didn’t find out he was Gay. I’m so effin sad and depressed about this. He told me I’m a wonderful women great friend and he is sorry….WTF sorry are u kidding me!! I invested a lot in this man and thought it was a forever thing. I’m a strong women and know its not me but I need some help I feel so used and betraded.”

Now is the time to not betray your feelings and abandon them but accept them, love them and take care of them.
I would recommend inner bonding.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 7:41pm
505: Emoticon says:

Annie just because he is attracted to both sexes doesnt mean he will be sleeping with men also…. when you marry someone you dont assume they will cheat with a woman, so why assume she will be sharing him with a man?

I can see how a bisexual man could be a great husband to a man or woman….

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:15pm
506: Memulo says:

My new cd texted and called me. He was crazy busy at work and this weekend he is moving apartments. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel kind of excited about him. He reminds me of dumbcd. High energy, quick. He didn’t impress me as much as dumbcd but maybe he is not as selfish? But still, I have my cd and what I am doing now by talking to another man is completely out of character.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:37pm
507: Daria says:

in a man. Maybe something like “I don’t take men seriously who don’t keep their word. I really expect that men I date be honest with me about where they’re at otherwise I am not interested”.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 8:51pm
508: Indigo says:

I wonder at what point in these 6 months I will be able to get through a whole weekend and not feel anxious or sad.

Well that is my mission for today. It’s a beautiful Saturday. Let’s see if I can do it just for today.

I am going to Ireland in June, maybe I can throw my energy into planning my trip.

Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 10:38pm
509: Vi says:

When MH does so I feel rejected, ugly and unloved. Hm. Why do I need to feel ugly? Do I still judge myself as ugly? Maybe. And this is not the way to go… And it is great, because I know even more about myself. But why would I need to feel ugly? It feels safe, because it keeps me unseen. And in my mind I think that it would please my mom, she didn’t let others compliment me, she started to argue if someone did that.. And I don’t need to keep feeling this way anymore. There is a part that wants to be seen too… I feel glad to find a part that wants to feel this way. I love my fears. I love my mom’s patterns. I love her choices as a part of the Universe. I love my experienced. And I can move on now. If I feel like that… Maybe I don’t need to feel ugly and rejected anymore. Maybe I’ve learnt my lesson, I love it, I own it, I can still feel my anger, which I love and I don’t need that experience anymore. Maybe I could explore smth. else and make some other choices now… I love me.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 2:28am
510: Daria says:

My pussy feels outraged !

I only like to be touched w the intent to give pleasure

I don’t want to be touched without intent to Give pleasure

I don’t like people touching me unless they’re trying to give me pleasure

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 3:30am
511: Annie says:

I feel curious.
It feels really easy to spot someone who is overtly gay, it’s out there in your face, mannerisms, voice, behavior etc.
It’s easy then to say oh my Gadar is switched on.

What about the covert ones, especially in men who are trying to hide it like the one in brokenhearted case, because they don’t want their families to find out.

Some men will marry and pretend and it doesn’t come out for years.
Everything about some men is convert and not out in the open.

So wouldn’t it be fairly easy to be fooled by a covert man?

What do You think Rori ? Anyone got any thoughts?

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 4:45am
512: Annie says:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/gay-men-dating-women

Any thoughts?

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:48am
513: Annie says:

OMG!

ping!

BINGO!

Salient key issue?

Secret!

Unhealthy subconscious love imprint involved it having to be secretive.
So we are subconsciously attracted to and attract someone who will have a secret.
To help us heal this.
Th know in real loving healthy relationships their are NO secrets.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:54am
514: Tereana says:

Ok, well, I’m feeling better today. Feeling a little relieved – neutral, actually.

When I didn’t get my period yesterday, I went & got a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative, but what the heck? I chickened out taking it last night. I was scared to find out just before bed.

Consequently I dreamed all night about the test, and it coming up negative, but I never quite finished letting it sit, and there was this baby boy that my friends had, and they were just letting him swim in a warm pool by himself. He just liked to be underwater, because it was like being in utero, and I was swimming with him and playing and making sure he came up for air. He still had part of his umbilical cord.

When I got up this morning to take the test, the dream came back to me, and I thought, “oh great.” but I was less nervous. I just went for it. And it came back pretty negative. And then I got my period. So clearly, NOT preggers. Ha!

Now I just feel cozy and comfy and kind of nice.

A friend brought me soup last night, because I’d been sick (a guy friend I haven’t seen in a while), and I was making cookies and they came out really nice…cozy comfy, comfy cozy

Yum yum yum

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:22am
515: Tereana says:

I had a success!

(well, I’ll call it a success : )

A guy I barely know asked me out for coffee this weekend. I said sure. Then he said we could have dinner. Ok. I said I’d check and get back to him. When I did, and told him that saturday was okay, I got a call from him – an unplanned trip away for the weekend.

And the success is, I didn’t freak out! Maybe I just didn’t care that much. It wasn’t like we had settled plans. “I still want to meet up with you.” ok, fine, how about next week? No problem, no drama. Am I being to easy? Too “flexible”? Who knows. I let him know next Tuesday works for me, or next Saturday.

I call this a success, because I remember the time that I had semi-plans with SYG, and he blew me off because something “came up” in the moment that he didn’t feel he could turn down. I was pissed. Oh well. His loss. I guess I should have just walked off and not ever called him back. Instead I got upset. I let him know “how I felt.” and it was all downhill from there…he wanted me (I guess) to accept him as a man, and accept his decision. And/or maybe to just be more cool and flexible and not make a big deal of things. Or maybe that’s what I wanted. and it’s what I couldn’t do (at the time.)

But it’s what I did this time. Sort of, I think. Lol. Meanwhile, I get to CD with other guys all weekend!

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:33am
516: Tereana says:

You know what, I just have really long cycles. You would think I’d get into the rhythm and just know this, but for some reason, that doesn’t happen. If I’ve had sex with someone – even with a condom – then I always freak out those last few days of my period.

But wait – I do know why! It’s because of the pill

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:44am
517: Tereana says:

Ugh. That wasn’t supposed to publish – i easnt finished – its because of the pill!

Any other time I’ve been sexually active, in younger years, I was taking the pill. So I never freaked out, AND I had a shorter cycle. That makes total sense. I feel relieved in another way, too…

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:47am
518: Ulii says:

@ 365 Turquoise

Love to read how you are taking care of yourself emotionally. And the thing about “turn around the story” – inspiring!

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:53am
519: Femininewoman says:

RE 511 – This reads like a sublime criticism of another woman because of her situation. It is rather unfortunate as this should be a safe place. I hope she feels safe enough to continue posting.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:55am
520: Anna says:

So I am learning and living. I am so much happier.I am learning and practicing how to get the relationship I WANT. My ? is how do I know when a guy is “too good to be true? How do I weed through the bullcrap? I am 45 and I am tired of “liking” one of the circular dates and then they turn out to be another sorry MAN! I am positive, I feel deeply but HOW DO I KNOW IF IT IS REAL??????? There are men out there practicing on us women 2. How do I know the good ones from the jerks?

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:02am
521: Femininewoman says:

From a Johnathan Aslay email talking about stages of partnerships.

STAGE TWO – POWER STRUGGLE

This is the stage where people start testing each other. It is one of the most difficult stages for people. Who is going to get whose way and how? Distrust from your unresolved past manifests and there is often a fear of loss of control and heavy judgments of the other person start to show up. Many relationships never move beyond this stage and many end here. This stage is really about building trust.

ESSENTIAL SKILLS:

1. Know and identify your feelings.

2. Speak congruently with your emotions.

3. Communicate without blame.

4. Self-reflection – observe your thoughts, feelings and behaviors without judgment.

5. Own/take responsibility for your mistakes without self-invalidation

6. Observe your automatic interpretations of others and events.

7. Be present to someone else’s upset without defense.

8. Know and articulate your requirements for trust.

9. Be able to restore trust when broken.

10. Use current upsets to resolve the past.

11. Ask for help.

12. Forgive yourself and others.

13. Make correction without invalidation.

14. Don’t control others or make their choices for them.

15. Don’t sacrifice – be generous.

16. Practice spiritual attunement to find the highest path.

17. Take the initiative – be responsible for your own needs.

18. Turn your complaints into requests.

19. Be clear-headed and rational while feeling intense feelings or while in the presence of others intense feelings.

20. Control your temper.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:16am
522: Femininewoman says:

Tool: Be His Heartbeat

Let’s start with this Tool – Be His Heartbeat – and we’ll start by being YOUR heartbeat!

1. Start with where you might be right now where you feel like you’re giving your heart to a man who you’re not quite sure deserves it. Imagine he’s standing right in front of you, about 5 feet away…

2. Imagine that your heart is jumping out of your body and holding onto him.

Now…

3. Put your hand on your heart.

Let it jump around, but keep it, gently, inside your own body. Let it beat and thump, and let it WANT to go on over to the nearest man, but gently insist that it stay in your body and beat for YOU.

4. When you feel like you’re hanging onto your heart…

…like it’s going to stay inside your own body and beat for you, take the next step…

5. Open your heart to him.

Okay, this may feel scary. It’s supposed to.

We’re all so used to DOING stuff and GIVING love – we’re not used to just keeping the love inside ourselves and just OPENING the door to our heart.

Imagine the love in your heart that’s beating for YOU – imagine it RADIATING out of your heart. Imagine it STAYING inside YOU, but radiating it’s warmth out toward EVERYONE and EVERYTHING outside you.

Now…

6. Feel the beat of your heart.

Really feel it. Let the beat of it move through you and thrill you. Now…

7. Start moving.

I want you to start swaying to the beat of your heart… while allowing it to stay open and radiating.

Don’t take the next steps until you feel comfortable doing this, and it feels like FUN!

Just remember – hanging onto your heart, and keeping it inside your own body so it can beat for YOU is not the same as closing off your heart. Or keeping up a front or wall between you and a man in order to protect yourself.

It’s just the opposite. It’s about taking down all the walls, all the fronts, all the pretending, unzippering your heart, and, literally hanging onto your heart by keeping it in your OWN BODY!

Just keep imagining that your heart is in your own body, that it’s open, and that everyone you meet is leaning toward you and radiating energy and love into your heart.

8. Now, while you’re DANCING and moving to the beat of your heart, I want you to move forward a few steps, and then back a few steps.

Feel how that feels.

Keep imagining the man in front of you (the man you’re involved with, or a man you imagine would be a good partner for you) – and move toward him as you dance, and then move away from him.

Notice how you feel when you dance toward him.

It doesn’t feel “right” does it? It feels like chasing, and trying to “get” something.

And what does dancing AWAY from him feel like? Does it feel powerful?

Can you feel the power of what you’ve already accomplished – keeping your heart inside your body so it can beat for YOU, opening your heart, and yet controlling who gets to be near you by moving and dancing forwards and backwards?

This is an amazing thing, actually.

If you’re not feeling good about a man, instead of closing down your heart – you can simply dance BACKWARDS! You can dance, with an open heart – AWAY from him.

Experiment with this right now, and then try it out in the world. You’ll feel so much relief and so much more power in yourself…

9. Now try moving and dancing side to side.

See how much room there is to move?

You don’t have to move forward, toward a man – there are so many OTHER ways to dance!

10. Here’s how to use this Tool when you’re out in the world, in the presence of a man – talking to him in the drugstore, or sitting across from him at dinner, or in bed with him:
•If you don’t like the energy that’s coming at you – you don’t have to put up a wall, just step backward or side-to-side.
•Put your hand on your heart. Feel how your heart is in your own body and under your own control. Let your heart sink into the warmth of your body and relax.
•When you feel your shoulders, your chest, your heart wanting to lean out, toward him, stop yourself.
•When you feel your hands and arms want to reach for him, stop yourself. When you feel your words wanting to ask him for something or reach out to him, stop yourself.
•Dance away from him, open your heart, open the palms of your hands outward to let in all the love he’s giving to you (imagine he’s giving to you even if you don’t think he is) and imagine your heart beating strongly and calmly in your own body.
•Imagine the warmth from your heart going all through your body. Imagine your breath going down to your pelvis and opening everything up. Imagine your heart staying inside your body, floating, giving off warmth to YOU.
•Keeping your insides, and your shoulders, and your belly and pelvis warm. Keeping you warm.

And once you feel warmth, altogether inside yourself – once you’ve truly become your own Heartbeat – you will AUTOMATICALLY draw in every man around you, and you will automatically be HIS heartbeat.

It sounds so simple, and it is.

Love, Rori

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:44am
523: Femininewoman says:

Failure is a judgment placed on a result.

The problem lies with how we FEEL about failure.

When we fail, we attach meaning to that failure and it triggers our core belief about ourselves. We say things in our mind like, “I’m not smart enough, I’m never going to succeed, I can’t believe this isn’t working, what’s wrong with me?”

And this is how we get pulled into the emotions of our subconscious programming, and we get stuck in failure.

The truth is that failure is nothing more than a result. And the purpose of that result is our own growth.

When we do not get a result that we like, we need to look at that result through the eyes of a learner and ask ourselves questions to help us understand why we did not get the result we wants.

A couple great questions to ask are:

What don’t I understand about this?

Why am I choosing to experience this?

How is this result serving me?

Who do I need to be to get a different result?

The most successful people in the world have experienced more failure than success.

The difference is in their ability to not take the failures personally and to respond to them rather than being a victim of them.

“Just Believe”,®

http://www.davidneagle.com/new/neaglecode113/

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:56am
524: Linda says:

Hello ! I have not posted in a few days… Happy Saturday even though where I live is in a deep freeze right now! I am sitting under my favorite blanket after a good nights sleep. ahhhhh

When I read the title of this post… I can say that I am alllll of those things. I can identify with each word. Conqueror, victim, survivor and compassionate lover… but today I have a very different good take on all of those descriptive words!

I have been spending lots of time with FavoriteCD. I am enjoying his presence in my life. He fits and feels good. His energy and mine dance fluidly together. As time passes, I am begining to feel like I would like to be in a commited relationship with him.

I have not spent or been in contact with RacecardriverCD much. He comes and goes and while I enjoy his company he is really not that interesting to me.

How remarkably different I feel today than I used to. Words like, accomplished, settled, calm, unanxious, open describe how I feel on the inside. I feel so grateful for the things I have learned here. What a different woman I am today. Two main things that I feel have been KEY to this difference ….

1) staying focused and intouch with how I FEEL
2) understanding the feeling and taking whatever action I need to as a result.

The concept of CDing is really kind of radical. When I interject it into conversation, reaction to it has been negative. While I admit it has been a challange, adopting it into my mindset and lifestyle has been the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself and the men too. It has taken the clingy, needy, sometimes desperate feeling woman (me) and transformed her into centered, open, receiving, light hearted me. Even I can feel the difference in my VIBE!! Shifting my focus from finding a relationship and needing to “fit to a man” …. to… actually being authentically me and seeing what man fits has been monumental. What it has attracted and repelled is amazing even me.

My interactions with FavoriteCD filtered thru this new mindset and focus seem better navigated and balanced. Staying in tune to my feelings, focused on my pre-determined goals and enforcing my own boundries is my daily mode of operendo now. My internal compass feel fully supported and balanced for the first time (maybe ever) in my life.

If I want people in my life I can be myself with, then my responsibility is to BE fully myself. I am finding that it take some great courage to be me sometimes, but giving myself permission to and pushing thru when it feels scarey to is attracting just what I want in my life. If I feel afraid … then I ask myself why/what am I afraid of, which always leads to me is this fear serving or hindering my goals in life. I have lived tooo much of my life driven by the needs and wants of others… NOW is my time and I am NOT turning back. The other way of living feels comfortable and known… but this way feels alive and full of possibility. I choose LIFE!

After reading this new thread post… and reflecting on my own “state of being”…. I will say that I am a Compassionate lover of life, who is has survived many bumps in life, will no longer all myself to be victimized by myself or an the hand of others and is determined to conquer needs to be conquered so I can have and live the life I have committed in my heart to live.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 9:18am
525: Linda says:

from my last post…. After reading this new thread post… and reflecting on my own “state of being”…. I will say that I am a Compassionate lover of life, who is has survived many bumps in life, will no longer all myself to be victimized by myself or an the hand of others and is determined to conquer needs to be conquered so I can have and live the life I have committed in my heart to live.

should have read I am a compassional lover of life who has survived many bumps in life, who will NO longer ALLOW myself to be victumized by myself or at the hands of others and is determined to conqure what needs to be conqured so that I can live the life I have commited in my heart to live “

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 9:26am
526: Rori Raye says:

Anna – The good ones and the ones who aren’t for you (please don’t’ label any man as a jerk – it will hurt you, not help you, to do that…) WEED THEMSELVES OUT! That’s what Circular Dating does. Get Targeting Mr. Right after the ebook and learn how to do this right. Love, Rori

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:10am
527: sha-sha says:

@brokenhearted………………. much love for u girl
I would like to say this I had this happen to me also only difference was I was a young women only 18 it was my first love my first boyfriend I met him through another guy friend of mine and totally fell for him hard………… even his friends that new him his whole childhood and life never new he was Gay we dated for almost two years his mother loved me he was a spanish guy I went to see him at his house he lived with mommy and walked into his room caught him with another man…totally shocked and mad kinda got same story I love U..Ur a great friend/person but I only was with U so ppl didn’t find out I was GAY……… at my time were talkin over 15yrs ago now. I was so upset and broken heart I was never able to talk to him or be friends ………after that he is now full Gay he dresses and acts totally different ..like u I couldn’t tell at all at the time he was gay…. idk for me I have not spoken to him since… I just wanna let u know don’t let this bring U down I feel and know Ur pain ur going through and its gonna be hard at first to processs but please take ur time think about it all and first Make urself #1 and heal ur heart and mind…I’m no expert or anything but ur story hit home for me and made me feel so sad it will get better and I wish u the best …..please stay postive and dnt beat urself up u did nuttin wrong…

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:29am
528: Linda says:

I feel like my relationship with FavoriteCD can grow into more. After 3 months he still holds my attention and keeps showing and stepping up. He introduced me to his mother last week end and asked me to go to church with him as well. I did both. I felt “brought” into the world where he lives it in front of others that are important to him. It felt very good and frankly in my heart and mind was something that I was a requirement to happen before I could ever consider him as anyone I could seriously consider as “real relationship” material. Next on my list.. meeting his children, the biggest his daughter,(age 9) who is with him every other week end and every wednseday and his son whom is in college in state.

This week he asked me if I wanted to meet her Sunday ( tomorrow).. I happily agreed. I inquired about what he was thinking about Sunday and he said. He wanted me to join them for church and lunch and then he wanted to spend the rest of the day with her alone before she went back in the evening. I feel fine with that. There is one element that does not feel good though. He said he wants to introduce me as “his friend only”. My response was a hesitant ” o…kay”. He went on to explaining his position based upon his previous experience and how he wants to “protect” her from becoming “emotionally attached” like she did with another woman that he dated for 7 months in the past. He also said that he has only introduced her to only 2 women since he has been divorced from her mother (5 years). He then said…”I think we have a really good thing going and you are a wonderful woman and I want to see how things to continue to see how things develop” “Do you understand”? …….. ahhhhh TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER. Focusing on me then… I suddenly felt my forward motion, open to, happiness and excitement about toward meeting her turned into….. the exact opposite and tenative. My head was spinning and trying to process the information that he just spewed out. He knew it instantly too because he said he asked if I was OK because you sound different now…. I said… “I am ok, just processing everything you just said”. Then he asked if I understood and I said “yes and no”. I asked what time he wanted me to come on Sunday… he told what he wanted.

OK.. navigating thru this new territory… Now that I know where he is coming from and what he thought..enough of him and his head….. HOW DO I FEEL and WHAT DO I WANT.

I feel… well informed with the information, sobered and surprized with some of it, happy that he wants to introduce me, admittidly considered second, somewhat compromised, anxious,tenative and defensive. I have been sifting sifting sifting today…..I remember how I felt as a young girl (14)…meeting my dads girlfriend for the first time. My parents had been divorced for a year…. It was my birthday and Dad was coming to take me out to dinner. I remember the outfit (skirt) and the excitement and specialness I felt anticipating the day and dinner. We got to where we were going and this “woman” joined us and I she was introduced as “his friend” hmmmm I knew instantly that she was not just a friend…. he had never said a thing to me about her until the drive to dinner.. I thought it was a time to celebrate my birthday with my dad but really it was all about him and her. I felt, unimportant, disappointed and uncomfortable. He wanted us to go bowling after dinner which I thought could be fun but…not in the outfit I was wearing. He finally agreed to take me home so I could change but the comments he made made me feel bad and that I he was put out doing so. YUCK I thought the day was for me but it wall allll about him and her and he used my birthday as the opportunity …. BAD choice. As a side note : My dad was with this woman for 13 years, they lived together, thankfully they never married, we never had a relationship and spoke nothing ever than hello and she would always separate herself into another room when I was around” I hated what her presences in my dads life brought into my life. BAD BAD BAD all the way around! To make it worse, my younger brother and she got along great which made things feel even worse for me.

Now today I realize that in lots of ways I felt like I was a little girl again, when FavoriteCD said what he did yesterday. Interesting trigger for me. soooo

This is what I have decided to to in response to what he invited and proposed. I will tell him how I feel post work thru trigger and general feelings when I get that figured out… I also am not going to agree to meeting her totally on his terms. That feels fake… and like I am giving my power away parking my car (sheesh where do I sit in the front or back seat) ???? so I will drive to church, meet him there instead of his home… and drive to lunch with them… eat be myself usual self and go home. If he does not agree then I will not do it at all.

I am having trouble with my formulating what feelings I will share with him about this. the doing part of this feels good. I just want to accurately and
consiesly atriculate my feelings. I value this relationship, him, her and me but will any of that in front of what feels right to me. I could use some help sirens….

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 12:09pm
529: Linda says:

523 … FW That is KEEPER!…. I love the questions to ask in that post.

I truely am a person that looks at life thru the eyes of a learner.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 12:13pm
530: Linda says:

from 528. I will drive myself to lunch too. It will be interesting to see what happens really. I am not going to lie or be fake. I dont like the idea of pretending so I wont. That feels really ugly to me. I am keeping my focus on me here. FavoriteCD has his own issues and experiences. Defensively I could say…”If you have reservation about my character or quality of person I am and feel you need to protect your daughter from attachement to me then, you are sure about me and until you are I choose not to move forward”….

It really did feel bad to hear him say he wanted to protect her. pfff

I hate living in other womens shadow or poor choices that were made hastily by others.

I have so many feelings and thoughts about this all… maybe I should just decline at this time. I do want to move forward , just not this way and under the “friend” (which I feel the most offended) at. We clearly are NOT just friends… and his daughter is smarter than that. I feel concerned about his opinion of her perceptiveness and his easing her into a relationship with me. Maybe he is still deciding and not sure about me either really.

See the thoughts and feelings… I can organize them. All I know is that it feels bad and wrong and I made a promise to myself to never do anything that feels bad to me ever again. I told him that too!

sooo… Should I call this off… maybe I should keep my heart open but step back or side to side and see what happens.

confused and undecided

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 12:47pm
531: Femininewoman says:

Happy Birthday Linda

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 12:48pm
532: Linda says:

FW ??? it is not my birthday … it will be in 19 days though lol

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 1:16pm
533: Femininewoman says:

Linda maybe I would share that memory and tell him I have mixed feelings about the plan. As I want to honor my feelings as well as his daughters I prefer to ……………………….

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 1:34pm
534: Linda says:

I am wondering if the real issue is here that we should be focused on what is getting in the way of the relationship moving toward commitment. Once that is settled, meeting the children would be a natural next step. Seems logical anyway. Maybe this is his next step.. and I need to as suggested share my feeling and being mindful to honor everyones feelings. Still in my heart I feel he is the one that is unsettled and I in turn am feeling unsettled.

Thing is… I never speak him or myself into the future… he does it all the time though. He is the one that initiated all of this. I have simply been receiving and responding.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 3:01pm
535: BeLoved says:

Annie & FW!!

I don’t think the stopping of breathing is a way of killing ourself, it feels like being in the birth canal, when we were in between being dependent on our mother for life, and taking our first breath. The birth canal squeezes the amniotic fluid out of our lungs and we are in limbo until we breathe – it’s like we are rebirthing ourselves!

I don’t know how or if this applies to c-section babies, no clue, I just know how it seems to me right now…and that could change tomorrow, lol.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 3:22pm
536: k2012 says:

Wow, I am way behind. I am copying and pasting a response to Orna re her article in the previous post. The response is in the previous post as well but I have copied and pasted it here just in case she doesn’t see it. “You can go even deeper by asking yourself what was I attempting to receive from him by playing Social Director? Security? Control? Approval? Acceptance?”. Wow I am just getting a chance to respond. I have been busy all week. Oh gosh. I will copy and paste this response to the next post. But thank u so much for your response Orna. Appreciate it. Now what was I hoping to achieve. I don’t know. I think I just wanted to use my initiative u know. Cause sometimes men are a little slow in organizing things so I just decided to take the lead. But trust me, I have learnt from the previous relationship. I am not finding the time to circular date at all. Too busy to go out. I want to meet at least one other person cause I am not going to put my hope in one man only AT THIS STAGE. This is the beginning with overseas cd and I will certainly leave things up to him re visiting me. I am not going to tell him about options. I don’t think I feel comfortable doing that. However, the second person I meet, I will tell them that there is another friend. I was wondering to myself that if I mention to overseas cd that I have options, he might think he has too. Rori said in a post I saw today on the previous thread that men are not supposed to circular date, only we women are suppose to circular date. They are suppose to want US. That’s right. Cause I was saying if I told overseas cd that, he might think he can do it too although he could very well be doing that and I don’t know. I am going to be on a few days break from work and here’s opening that I will indeed find time to go out with a friend of mine. We are in the same profession and so busy. But Orna, I think I just like to organize things, I suppose. From now on, I will allow the man to take the lead.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 4:29pm
537: k2012 says:

Correction: here’s hoping, not here’s opening. Well now to phoenix’s letter. I think Phoenix should lose that guy, block his e-mails. You don’t need him. You are a conqueror Phoenix. I hope and pray that u will get counselling. Ignore that man and don’t speak to him. He is not a friend. A friend wouldn’t let u feel that way. Confide in real life friends and in addition to that, there are nice people both male and female who u could become friends with online. You need a lot of support.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 4:45pm
538: Senior Lady Vibe says:

@345: GingerSky says:
“…The link SLV posted had her picture on it as a speaker, and I finally found out who she is: Annie Lalla, a relationship coach….”

Hi GingerSky,
I’m twisting my brain to figure out what link that was. Are you sure I was the one who posted it? I post a lot of links, here, there and everywhere but I don’t recall that one…

Maybe I forgot… so now I’m curious. I haven’t read David DeAngelo’s posts for several months.

SLV
xoxo

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:03pm
539: Senior Lady Vibe says:

@Gingersky

Oh, OK, duh… I get it. She’s one of the speakers on the Feminine Business Model telejam. Somehow I was thinking it was from last year when I saw “David DeAngelo” … LOL

I hope I actually get to some of those, I’ve already missed several days and busy with other things. But it looks very interesting.

Enjoy…

SLV
xoxo

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:16pm
540: Senior Lady Vibe says:

@362: ALA

You’re welcome.

SLV
xoxo

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:18pm
541: Annie says:

519: Femininewoman says:

RE 511 – This reads like a sublime criticism of another woman because of her situation. It is rather unfortunate as this should be a safe place. I hope she feels safe enough to continue posting.

Well I feel surprised and shocked on the surface, but hearing those projected judgmental thoughts.
If I go deeper though it feels a predictable response.
Feels ironic.

My body feels smacked, but I feel centered and still standing.

Feel insure how saying that how it would be easy to be fooled with a covert gay man who was hiding the fact read as a criticism.

Feels pointless to engage directly with anyone who is wants to project their judgmental thoughts at me and feels better to expressing and processing it.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:49pm
542: Memulo says:

FW, that your post about failure – it is true but I’m having a hard time to turn it around. I feel that I let most important things slip away, just because I am not defending myself. And I can’t change, I don’t know how to.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 5:59pm
543: Annie says:

“it’s like we are re birthing ourselves!”

I like that.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:03pm
544: Memulo says:

My CD is away this weekend with his family. He calls and texts me often. He made plans already to see me the first day he is back. I am busy the first day – he wants to visit the 2nd day. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I shared the feelings?

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:03pm
545: Annie says:

And it does feel good to dance away from any energy that feels bad coming at me or towards me.

It feel good to dance in my kitchen towards something that feels and lovely and soothing like some yummy warm herbal tea.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:08pm
546: Annie says:

And sing.
Zippety do da zippety day, my oh my what a wonderful day.
Plenty of sunshine coming my way zippety do da zippety day.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:09pm
547: Annie says:

I feel loved I feel soothed, comforted, calm and centered.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:15pm
548: Memulo says:

I feel that anyone can put me down because I don’t have the skill to stop it

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 6:24pm
549: Miraculously Loved says:

FW: thank you for your comment earlier or yesterday:
Just got back home from looking at the castle. This experience had the potential to frustrate me. I drove 3.5 hours to have the driveways covered in snow and unable to get to the castle. However, there was already something telling me this wasn’t the venue for the wedding so, I took it as a sign and enjoyed the sights of a nearby town with my children. There is another place I will be looking at on Wednesday and I think this is the one I will love. So, it was an excellent adventure with my kids.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:24pm
550: Miraculously Loved says:

#548 Mumelo you don’t have the power to stop their words but you have the power to control how that affects you and in the future how much contact you allow with a person that would use such power stripping words.
Mumelo your feelings of helplessness and powerlessness sadden and concern me. What would it take for you to feel more powerful and in control of yourself? Some days I have to ask myself this question when I feel like things are getting crazy: when I come up with the answer, that’s what I do…Is there something that you do, or could do to help you?

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:27pm
551: Memulo says:

Thank you ML,

I’ve been thinking how to resolve this. You are right that one way to do it is to stop the contact, but in a workplace for example it’s not a solution. I need to work harder to develop the skill. The problem is that at the time it’s happening I can’t distinguish black from white, that is what concerns me. The other extreme would be to resist a criticism which is not good either.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:36pm
552: Femininewoman says:

Memulo a lot of Rori’s work is about dropping our defenses. All that was needed maybe was “ouch. That does not feel good”. Just express what comes up in the moment. As a matter of fact the skill you do have is “walking away”.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:37pm
553: Miraculously Loved says:

I feel so tired and relaxed; my sweet man is away for the night and I am here with my kids. However, once my son goes to bed I am going to enjoy some meditation and wine and just melt into myself. I love this feeling of being by myself and this day off of all my responsibilities. I spent some much needed time being in love with my kids =) To be in love with myself and love them are the same; intimate hugs with them just being themselves. My daughter a remarkable artist makes me feel so colorful and my son with his matter of fact nature makes me feel real and oversized….he’s always looking for “wisdom of the nature of the world”. He’s autistic so asks me to explain things that don’t make sense to him; I love this inquisitiveness..I love that he comes to me in his moments of wonder…what a beautiful day. My meditation is a wonderful way to top it off…Being love and in love with everything…
My little doggies make me feel so responsible because I take care of them so well and love them like they are my babies. The great thing about them is that they never stop needing me or loving me…I feel unconditional with them…they don’t have to be any more than dogs and I don’t have to be any more than me…

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:37pm
554: Memulo says:

My CD let me know from his family vacation that he made a dinner reservation for us for the V-day. That is very thoughtful of him. Last year I got a beautiful roses and chocolates from dumbcd and I felt happy..

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:41pm
555: Femininewoman says:

Miraculously Loved your outlook seems so consistently positive and the energy around your words feel really soft and feminine. When I grow up I want to be just like you

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:43pm
556: Femininewoman says:

RE 553 – Feels like a luxurious cat all curled up in a couch. Soft and furry

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:44pm
557: Memulo says:

Thank you FW, I feel so supported.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 7:48pm
558: Memulo says:

I have to get him a gift for v-day, right?

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:01pm
559: Linda says:

tonight I feel in a holding pattern. I would like to land my plane. I feel like I have been flying in circles all day. Going over and over my feelings. I feel indifferent toward tomorrow right now. I told FavoriteCD that I would rather meet him at church instead of driving to his house. I feel like I am honoring my feelings and not giving away my independence or power by keeping myself mobile with my car at least. I was hoping to to receive some input from the blog today but is has been really quiet here. Thanks FW for your suggestion. WHen the time is right, I will share my feelings. I wont sit on this long.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:14pm
560: Miraculously Loved says:

I feel reminiscent right now. I know it sounds funny but I still think of my married guy and others might find that wrong while I’m in love with and marrying “B”
However, there is a way I got over this dilemma and I wonder if others have felt this way about your guys.
There always seems to be that “one” that just won’t release but there is a reason I don’t completely or can’t completely let his memory or my heart for him go either. Psst: Its not because he tries to contact me…its because when I love and truly love; it is impossible for me to ever let go; just like any hurt or pain I have ever felt, the ones I love are and have been with me forever. I think in general we spend so much time hating ourselves for loving because “they treated us badly” (beating ourselves up) or holding them accountable for all they did wrong (beating them up) instead of incorporating what we felt for them into the next perfect thing. I feel all happy that I have learned to let love go yet hold onto the good. he was the angel that was the next step in me seeing how I needed to be treated (now I am crying); I am strong because I can feel like this and know it isn’t because I want him back but because when you miss someone it is right and okay to be a little sad. It means I loved him. I incorporate him into my heart and there are days I feel angry at him still and I let myself feel that anger but I don’t need him to make it better; it goes away and passes…just like all of my other feelings that I associate with him. Funny how much of my competitiveness is attached to him; when I run, I feel like he’s running next to me. Why? Because he made me feel like I had to compete. I spend a long time competing for him. This was the part that wasn’t so pleasant; but he reminded me of my strength and endurance and I was allowed to love and be myself (in part) for the first time inside the relationship and that meant everything. He was toxic because he knew my weaknesses and exploited them but there were many days when; for no reason at all he was just there. I know in many strange ways he did love me but just really didn’t know how to love. That was my lesson to him; unconditional, open and honest love for the first time in his life. I know that also sounds strange but I never let him get away with lying to me and I would call him on it and he would come clean. It doesn’t mean I should have continued to allow this but its ok, I forgive myself for that too.
My heart sits in this and melts it away and I am now able to take the good things that came from him and melt them into the beautiful, graceful light of love; hug myself and feel no pain…sad is not pain…its just sad =)
about a year ago I wrote this for a friend inspired by “E”…how amazing it is to feel okay with not feeling ok some days:

The Love we have is a strand of God never to be broken, each end we hold. No matter the myth of time or distance what has been shared has been. Fear cannot bend it nothing can break it for it is the truth and the truth cannot be a lie. So when you remember that you loved me once, know that you love me still and I you and that neither time nor distance can break the strand that stretches into eternity…there is no reason to escape it, for as long as one of us remembers the strand can never divide…I love you. Forgiveness is not necessary as love is the strand that cures all things; in its perfection forgiveness lives in it…I believe I keep trying to break the strand as somewhere I think I can…but it will not be for as long as we have love I will think of you and you of me…There’s no denial of the truth..no ownership…just the bond that love created and God granted that cannot end. I am still here and you’re with me. You are there and I am still with you connected to the strand.
It makes my heart feel big to feel this and be able to give this love to another as well…sometimes I act as if love has limits but it doesn’t there is so much and in so many ways we can love and receive love and expect love, is there any reason to “own” it and claim it like a mountain to be conquered and then feel defeated when that doesn’t happen? Uggg..sometimes it hurts and stings but it will pass and all that will be left is the beautiful…Good night sirens…and reawaken to the Miracle =)

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 8:44pm
561: Miraculously Loved says:

#555; you make me cry…I feel so amazing but when I came back again I wasn’t feeling very grown up!
.. I was in a panic again…something was biting me and pushing me down; negative voices…writing helps me to wipe them away. Which is why I needed to come back, this is helping me…
I’m feeling wordy but I will keep it simple so I can sleep…but just know there are some days I want to be a victim because I don’t want to do it myself; but not today, the voice of pain will not take my power!
I feel victorious and maybe I’ll allow myself to explore my victim side…on another day

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 9:31pm
562: Heart says:

Hi Blog!

I feel great! I went to a spa/gym place since had no Saturday night plans…I was feeling a little grouchy buy low and behold a charming Frenchman approached me and asked me out – We had a couple of glasses of wine in a nice place nearby
He said I was like a femme fatale…Me? wow ^_^ ! …I felt good & undeserving & insecure at the same time.
And he paid for everything…included my taxi home.
I don’t know if I’ll hear from him again but I feel grateful.

Anyway – CudG wrote me today asking me about my weekend! Huh? Wow …it’s really interesting how energy work!
He explained he was really busy….but sorry blog….2 weekends in a row?
Maybe I’m wrong …but I sense that even though he didn’t ask me out TWO WEEKENDS IN A ROW he’s curious about how I’m spending my time…I have yet to respond. Would Love to rub it in his face I went out with a Frenchman ( extra dagger in his British heart! Ha! — Apologies to the Brit-sirens Xx! ) …But I’m not going to play those kinds of games.
I Am learning to keep my heart open, not shut down, choose trust and waterwheel Even when I feel Grouchy.
This is a Brave new World.
Strangely I don’t feel Too guilty…I didnt have any physical contact with the man…and I am single! I guess if I just don’t get physical I can CD and feel Great!

I’ve started to wonder…Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship? Maybe that’s why I attract someone who is moving slowly/possibly not ready for a relationship either…

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 9:48pm
563: Miraculously Loved says:

#562 What an opportunity you have…It makes me feel excited for you and proud! You don’t have to tell him about Frenchmen but you can tell him not to worry about being busy that you had gone out and it was amazing and proceed to remind him what an amazing time he missed with you and how happy you were to have time to yourself to do these things…ohhh how intrigued he might be to go do something with you next time?? But use that as a phone conversation…maybe in text you could say “My time alone felt lovely this weekend, I feel excited to tell you about it”
Good for you!

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 9:58pm
564: Heart says:

Thanks Miraculously-loved!
I feel happy reading your post.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:01pm
565: Emerson says:

476&481 Starla
I feel inspired reading your posts and your rawness speaks to me. I’m so glad you feel better. I feel isolated sometimes and lonely… It really helps to read what other people have been going through and progress, self love, etc… Thank you for sharing about yourself. ((Hugs))

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:18pm
566: Emerson says:

I realized that I’ve been abandoning myself recently. I had a horrible day today. I felt really scared and angry with myself for not wanting to talk to the men I’ve met on POF. I’m so nervous to talk to them.
And I think blueCD is a jerk even though I know Rori says we are not supposed to say that.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:22pm
567: Emerson says:

Starla I’m very hesitant to speak what I don’t want or if I don’t like something but I’m getting better.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:27pm
568: Indigo says:

Linda,

I think you’re doing really fabulously with processing your feelings.

Just an outsider’s take: The fact that he wants to introduce you to his daughter is a real and substantial step forward in the relationship. It is definitely him integrating you more into his life, and he clearly loves his daughter enough that he wouldn’t do it unless he had real and strong feelings for you. I would delight in that, or do my best to, and not worry so much about the logistics. I would not stress too much about the fact that he wants to introduce you as a friend, I don’t think this is meant as a slight to you, I don’t think it has any meaning at all.

I would smile warmly at her, and try my best to feel comfortable. My guess is that if he feels safe with this meeting, he will have you spending more time with her in no time.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:39pm
569: Miraculously Loved says:

Linda,
I just got done reading your issue with your favorite CD; if I’m seeing right you are being triggered by what happened with you as a child and how his daughter may respond to meeting Dad’s “friend”. Also, it appears to me you want clarity about what he really wants. Men typically test the waters of commitment by inviting you to meet a family member(s) however poor judgment this may be, its still a possibility. It may be a positive step but you may not know until you ask that question and I think FW was pointing to it; you seem confused about whether you are his friend or more and if you’re more why would he introduce you as a friend? So, Yeah; I feel confused is a good place to start;
I feel excited about your sticking to your guns but at the same time I feel crunched up when you say “I will and I won’t” as opposed to “I feel”. If you walk into the meeting with that closed energy and defensiveness it may not go so great…staying true to who you are can you find another way that feels less defensive? It makes me feel happy that you said you wanted to be sure of what you wanted. If he is your favorite CD and you think you may be developing deep feelings for him (you haven’t said that yet, so I feel unsure of what you want) can you say that. Can you say I feel defensive and I don’t know what I want? Do you trust him enough at this stage to say “I am not sure how to feel right this second but I do know that it feels strange to go meet your daughter as your “friend” when I’m not sure where we stand; I feel confused…(relax, open your shoulders and body to him and let your face match your feelings). Stay opened, lean back and wait for his reply…(I don’t know which tool this is but it’s all a part of this process…
Let go of those feelings of being a little girl and only deal with the now, you and him reactions…
From what I saw in your story that is one piece that may be holding you back from the deeper commitment (1) Do you know what you want? (2) Can you not respond to him out of past feelings and your reactions to your past but be genuine in the here and now, no matter what the risk with all of your feelings out on the table?
Just my 2 cents…
Best of luck to you

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:45pm
570: Indigo says:

I am in pain today.

But I had a really fabulous chat with my mom yesterday which was really like a lightbulb moment, and felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

She was advising me to just let my feelings be what they are, even if they are different from every other person’s feelings, just to fully inhabit how I experience a situation, and who I am.

I was telling her how, with things that come up with D (like the fact that he went out last night, and I feel sure there were other women around), I worry about three things: how I’m going to cope with the situation, his response to my feelings and the beating up I’m going to give myself afterwards.

She said, just completely drop the last two.

Only worry about being true to your feelings, and protecting your heart at this stage, as long as you are not hurting anyone. She said, you are in pain, this is a painful situation for *you*. If you were in ICU, would you be worrying about whether the nurse’s feet were getting sore?

My mom just reiterated that I absolutely never, ever should beat myself up for how I feel about things.

It was very, very much what I needed to hear.

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 10:49pm
571: Miraculously Loved says:

How comforted and supported you must have felt; what a great mom! Be true to your feelings…that makes me feel opened…feelings….Feeling gracious; thankful for you for your Mom…

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 11:08pm
572: Emerson says:

Ok I feel a lol better… Yay Emerson I replied to my pof guys on email. I decided I am going to take friends first approach, I feel better with that …

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 11:38pm
573: Emerson says:

One guy is so sweet I told him I feel nervous and he sid no problem take your time

Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 11:39pm
574: Indigo says:

Thank you Miraculously Loved it was wonderful to read your comment

I felt hugely supported, and grateful for my mom. I felt anxiety just drop away from me, which was so great.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 12:31am
575: Rebecca says:

I went out for the day with a male friend of mine. I was weird I learnt so much about myself. I realise he wanted more, and I don’t.
But I realise he’s not the big, scary alpha male that I thought he was. We ended up wandering around antique shops, old fashioned brickabrack shops, a cathedral, a walk around the lake and a cream tea!! Not what I had expected from this bloke!
I just found that I didn’t really ‘gel’ with him. I left knowing as little about him as when I had started!!! Hmmm…. If anyone has ANY advice that would be great…

I feel uber confused with myself and knotted up….

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 1:28am
576: Vi says:

When I feel turned on, I immediately start to feel needy, hence angry, and make him the center of the Universe. What if I would try to apply the Heartbeat tool to my womb, so my feeling turned on would remain mine, giving ME energy to stay warm and open and at the same time not needy? I can do it. It would feel fun to try.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 1:32am
577: Rebecca says:

* sorry: It was weird. Not I was weird. Lol!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 1:32am
578: Rebecca says:

I wonder if I need to drop my expectation about this man. Maybe he does want more from our friendship and he will disappear when he realises I don’t want that. This is what is scaring me but I have to realise I have no control over this. I can’t hold on to him if he doesn’t want to stay.

The weird thing is he has all these women throwing themselves at him and I have done the opposite. Yet I suspect that deep down that is what he really wants. He seems to feel comfortable being idolised by these women and that they always ‘need’ his advice etc… He seems to see himself as a father figure to all of us. None of us are special. I don’t like that. There is no intimacy…

Hmmm…. Still feel confused…
Grrrr….

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 1:48am
579: Indigo says:

Rebecca,

What do you feel confused about? do you know what the source of the knotted up feeling is?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:18am
580: Rebecca says:

Starla, I find this an amazing piece of information;

It feels amazing to work with him because he is actually on my side. He tells me that the things I went through with my parents are unfair and that it’s understandable that i react certain ways to things.

He was the first person in my adult life to suggest that my mom is just a sick, bad person. The first person ever to suggest that to me was actually a therapist when I was 14. Go figure.

For me it has sadly been the opposite.

All the therapists that I have ever spoken to have tried to make me feel sorry for my mum. I think this has stirred a deep anger in me.

They always tell me I need to understand her more. They tell me I need to understand how difficult it is to be a mother and that she is only being a typical mother – whatever that means?!

Until very recently one therapist told me she thought my mum may have Aspergers Syndrome. This really has spoke to me and at least has given me something to work with.

I feel like my whole life people have told me it is my imagination. This has hurt me more than anything…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:32am
581: Annie says:

570: Indigo hugs.

That felt amazing reading about your Mums response.
It would feel so great to have a Mum who said that and to always do my best to be that sort of Mum for my children.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:48am
582: Rebecca says:

Hi indigo

I feel confused because I don’t really understand how our friendship has developed. He seems to like me but I have no idea why??

He is not a typical person that I would be friends with, let alone anything else.

Yet I am trying to stay open and see if I can learn something about myself in the process.

Yesterday I tried to do the listening at level 2 with him. I am hoping at some point in the future things will make more sense!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:52am
583: Rebecca says:

Thinking about it I sense that he thinks / feels he is better than me.

He had planned everything yesterday and was keen to take me under his wing so to speak.

I am convinced he means well but I don’t want to be treated as his daughter that he needs to advise and guide. I want to be me!

Hmmm, I think that is why I am feeling frustrated…

Everything I said he seemed to know better. I wonder if it was just my pride that was hurt???

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:56am
584: Indigo says:

Awww, Annie thanks so much

I do feel INCREDIBLY grateful for my mom and her wisdom. We had a difficult relationship many years ago, but it has healed beautifully, and she is gifted as very wise.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 3:23am
585: Indigo says:

Rebecca,

I think I know what you mean. I also battle to feel comfortable around people who put themselves above me.

If I were you I think I might try, the next time he says something which feels off to you in that way, just pulling back a little and say “I feel weird. I’m not all that comfortable with …. ” probably with calmness and a smile.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 3:27am
586: Rebecca says:

And also I text him to thank him for the day when I got home. He didn’t reply. I am senseing he is trying to play mind games with me… Hmph

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 3:47am
587: Rebecca says:

Indigo,

The problem is that would be my defualt response but my senses tell me it would bring great drama. Ie I sense he is looking for that response from me..
I feel like he wants to make it dramatic.
Does that make sense?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 3:50am
588: Indigo says:

Rebecca,

In my experience, the only drama comes from fighting your feelings and being too much in the other person’s energy – either holding onto expectations from them or worrying about how your feelings are going to “land” with them. There is no drama whatsoever in simply expressing your feelings truthfully, and then deciding on the course of action which would make you feel best. In my experience, this makes other people feel very safe

I wouldn’t worry whether he is playing games with you, it is not really for us to get into a man’s head. Worry about how you *feel*

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 3:59am
589: Heart says:

Rebecca – I would just look at it as an opportunity to practice & learn about myself.

I would use it as a chance to tell the truth – use Fms to tell him you feel kinda put down?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:28am
590: Rebecca says:

Indigo

I agree. I suppose I feel angry at myself for being inauthentic with him.

These is where the confusion comes in.

If I remain open then this means not always trying to take control of the situation and letting him lead. I guess I am worried that if I state my feelings its a subconcious way of reversing things so that in a sense I am leading.

Does that make sense?

I’m sure I was going to say something else but I can’t remember what??

Oh, I guess that is my point – how do we remain oprn yet state our feelings at the same time??

What I mean is if I state my feelings am I making it about me and directing energy towards me. I dunno… Guess that’s where I’m confused…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:29am
591: Rebecca says:

Heart

I am worried that if I say I feel put down he will take offence.

I suppose all I am thinking is if it were the other way around I would feel offended. Even if it were the truth!

He had put such a lot of effort into yesterday and I would feel like stating my feelings would be throwing all that in his face. Honestly, he was like a little boy trying to please me – my heart really went out to him.

Plus I’m trying to think of Rori’s mantra about stating open, and saying I feel put down might provoke a feeling of being attacked in him.

Or am I worrying too much about this ?? Boy I feel confused …

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:35am
592: Heart says:

Rebecca – well I would show appreciation for the planning & effort. I feel grateful…I feel happy…etc etc…

I would also voice my fear – I feel scared you’ll take offense
I feel bad for possibly offending you…

and then mention that you feel put down etc…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:52am
593: Memulo says:

Rebecca, if you must to thank someone for a date (and not to say thank you in response to his thank you) you may say it while you’re still with him, saying good bye. No need to text after

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:54am
594: Indigo says:

You know, Rebecca, I battled myself a bit with this.

Until I realised, that being true to your authentic feelings is the MOST open thing you can do. When you are pretending, however little, you are shutting down, you are closing the other person off, and they can sense it, even if unconsciously.

I wouldn’t advocate being ungracious, be very sweet and feminine about how you state your feelings. If he wants to please you he will want to know. And don’t worry about him being offended, if you are not BEING offensive, chances are he won’t be

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:59am
595: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca this statement kinda jumped at me from your comments “I am worried that if I say I feel put down he will take offence”.

It suggests to me that your fear is driving you. Also that you are not comfortable with yourself. He is a grown man he can take care of his own feelings.

I would look inside to see with whom in my past I have felt this way. The feelings might be triggered from a past experience and might not be about him at all.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:00am
596: Femininewoman says:

RE 586 – This is all about the energy exchange here. Also he is a man and might have turned his focus back to his life or whatever was going on in front of him. Remember they don’t go on and on over things like we do.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:05am
597: Rebecca says:

Memulo,

It was only a little response to say thanks for all the effort etc he put in and that I really appreciated it. I was honest and authentic!

I didn’t go over the top and I have decided to drop my expectation for wanting a response. What will be will be

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:07am
598: Femininewoman says:

Everything I said he seemed to know better. I wonder if it was just my pride that was hurt???

This might be just about his masculine fix it instinct. There maybe a lesson here. Maybe if one is open to learning “how could I be more feminine? How was I contributing to the situation? How could I have dialled him to his love channel”?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:09am
599: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I agree with Memulo. It is a lesson for next time. When you leave a man wanting more he will lean forward to contact you first upon separating. When you lean forward first it messes with the energy exchange. He was already lucky to have you in his presence.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:12am
600: Rebecca says:

Indigo, Heart, FW ~

Yes, you all have a point.

When I stated my feelings to my last boyfriend he burst into tears and appeared a broken shell of a man infront of me.

This left me with a sense of shame. I guess I have been triggered by my experiences in the past.

I know, when it comes to men, I have learnt to tred carefully. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I honestly, truthfully feel soooooo confused…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:12am
601: Femininewoman says:

Shame because maybe you are not confortable in your own skin. Crying is a natural human response. Looking at him as a shell of man suggests some judgement. Maybe you believe a man should be strong and not cry like that. Maybe because you did not accept your vulnerabilities yet, it was hard for you to accept his. Men sense this unconsciously so maybe he felt shame also from that experience and that kind of shame is hard for men to overcome. I would check on my beliefs to see if I believe crying is a weakness. I used to. Just this past year I got over that and stopped playing the tough girl persona. I allow my tears to run regardless of who is looking at me.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:17am
602: Rebecca says:

FW ~ I totally agree with this:

his masculine fix it instinct. There maybe a lesson here. Maybe if one is open to learning “how could I be more feminine? How was I contributing to the situation? How could I have dialled him to his love channel”?

I think this is what I had in my mind the whole time. I want to turn around these feelings of defensiveness I have…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:17am
603: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca maybe it is because you mainly come from your masculine energy? Have you practiced Rori’s switching hats tool? She writes about it in her emails.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:27am
604: Rebecca says:

FW I do believe that the tears are there to draw me in and to try and make me feel guilty for expressing myself. I won’t go there again with a man. Too much drama. I’ll walk away well before that..

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:28am
605: Rebecca says:

FW – Maybe I do come from a masculine energy. That is the kind of thing I worry about.

Any advice or wisdom is always greatly accepted!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:33am
606: Rebecca says:

Haha

This is stopping me from doing my housework! Need to get on… Will be back later…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:43am
607: Heart says:

Eating strawberries right now ….so yum

I felt like writing the man I met too…and thanking him but I was feeling a little headachy and not in the mood to email anyone….and just as I finished making some coffee & taking ome headache medication….he wrote me to say he had a wonderful time & would call in a few days…
I felt good.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:49am
608: Heart says:

It feels better to have a man’s energy coming towards me…

I’m going out with CudG this week…I can’t wait to see him! Hmmmmm….

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:53am
609: miraculously loved says:

Rebecca guilt…I won’t be made to feel guilty..made me feel defensive. Guilt is normal and OK…he may try to “use it” but you can say in the moment in your words that what is happening makes you feel guilty but that your heart won’t let you change your mind…let your voice go down to a soft whisper even in his ear if you feel that affectionate and just let go of your body and feeelll…then wait, lean back and see what happens. I had to use this technique with B last week when I felt guilty and pressured…it happens and only we can allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:59am
610: Heart says:

Indigo – I’ve just scrolled up & read some posts…yours included…

I feel angry at D…I feel huffy-puffy-blow–the-house-down kind of feeling in my chest…
I feel bad about feeling angry…

I wouldn’t communicate with him but I would let him know this nicely..
I would feel better and more into myself and more open if I didnt live a contradiction…
Not sure if I could take a break and no take a break
at the same time…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:27am
611: T-Girl says:

Hi everyone. There are so many new names here Im not sure if anyone remembers me.

Anyway I was just reflectinv that it has been a year since the scarey ordeal when my daughter was in the hospital and the sirens on this blog were so very comforting to me. Thank you so much.

In other news, the guy that brought me to this blog sent me a long email a couple weeks ago telling me how much he thinks of me and if he was lucky someday he will get to see me again. I told him I was in a fantastic relationship and we live together and thanked him for being in my life and wished him well.

Things are going well with me and J. I love him so much. He is such a good influence on my daughter too and she loves him too. Last night as we were laying in bed, I was half asleep and I could feel him touching and caressing my ear. It was so sweet.

Now it is time to try and catch up on the blog.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:38am
612: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I feel sad to notice you believe his tears were to make you feel guilty. Do you believe your tears make a man feel guilty? Have you used your tears to manipulate in that way? I dunno. My tears come unbidden depending on how I feel. For the most part in my past I have tried hard to brush them aside or hide when I am crying. It is hard for me to believe a man could conjure some up to make me feel guilty. They are too closely connected with my heart.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:39am
613: Tam says:

Haven’t read back yet.
CD’d myself yesterday, was a little boring but at night bumped into two old crooners in their 60′s and they bought me dinner – just like that. One of them asked for my number, he was fun but reminded me of Curly – just even older. Oh dear.

And then I caved and spied on MrP virtually. And I am so glad that I did. So so glad. The woman in his meetup group, the one he told me was chasing him (and I knew secretly he was flattered), well they have a littlt thing going on whereby he is posting stuff for her and thanking her for presents and posting on the group wall that she is the best and the funniest and bla bla bla. So yeah, he likes being chased and now he is chasing her, ‘see you next week’, and I also gather a group of them meet outside of the meetup group/exhchange pictures etc etc.
So meanwhile, all this time, he has not said happy birthday/christmas/new year. He just contacts me for fun and sexual stuff…if at all. No dates, no ‘how are you’, ‘how is your situation’, ‘how long are you staying’….and the ‘come on the skiing holiday’ was just a dipping toes into water because surely he remembers that I can’t go anyway.

Rather than assuming the positive, I am just going to assume ‘he is not that into me’, and I am going to treat him as the Jerk which he presents himself at.
Maybe that will not facilitate my healing, but it will facilitate my sanity. Cold Turkey.
I have decided that MrP is a Jerk.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:49am
614: Tam says:

Rori, oops, said not to label a man as a Jerk…now I feel guilty but actually, if I don’t, I will keep in the loop for longer. And I am done.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:14am
615: miraculously loved says:

FW and Rebecca; sometimes we have been manipulated by someone else’s’ feelings in the past. I know I have been so, I know my feelings of guilt are not in the moment but I do let them flow through me and out of me into him and turn them back to him and ask for his help because I can’t do what he asks..or feel what he wants or be something I’m not…I try not to judge my feelings or stop feeling them..it takes so much practice and I have to breath into it with him there…I feel it now…its a hard feeling to bridge…some of these left over feelings connected to our desire to help..aren’t pleasant..

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:19am
616: Rebecca says:

FW

I feel sad to notice that you have neglected to notice my feelings and seem to be more focused on his. It feels baf to me to read and I sadly feeling a little confused and manipulated here. Though I am sure you are not doing it deliberately.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:30am
617: Annie says:

Tam

“He just contacts me for fun and sexual stuff”

Feel reminiscent of a thread where a male coach/guest of Roris, can’t remember his name. Said, if a woman responds, the man thinks she is ok with the friendship and is accepting it even if she is saying she isn’t. So if a woman responds to the fun/sexual stuff and he isn’t offering more, he thinks she is ok with that as her actions are showing him she is ok with that.

I want a man who’s actions matches his words.
And I want my actions to match my words.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:31am
618: Rebecca says:

My feelings are here for a reason and I don’t want them dismissed by anyone.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:33am
619: Sweetie says:

Good morning ladies,

I’m new here but have been all your comments and advice and reading Rori ebook and posts, they have so helpful to me and my situation. My live in boyfriend just broke up with me a week ago saying his feelings for me had changed- he lost that in love feeling and thinks it best we move on and find that right person for us. I am feeling so sad and devasted right now. I can’t st
p crying. I know I need to believe his words but my heart isn’t buying it. Anyways I’m in the process of looking for a new pace

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:41am
620: Sweetie says:

But now he is sending me mixed messages. He is asking me to breakfast, asking me to go watch the ufc fights together, telling me I should look for places where his family is not mine, keeps sayinghe wishes there was something else he could do, invites me to his family dinnered, ect. Maybe he is just trying to be nice but he is killing me and I feel so confsed…especially. since this break up is the last thing I want.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:48am
621: Annie says:

616: Rebecca says:

“FW

I feel sad to notice that you have neglected to notice my feelings and seem to be more focused on his. It feels baf to me to read and I sadly feeling a little confused and manipulated here. Though I am sure you are not doing it deliberately.”

I feel sad when I see and hearing women do this.
I have observed a lot of women doing this in life making the mans feelings more important that the womans. Treating men like women or little boys.
This is what most women have been socially conditioned to do. Put the mans feelings first and what I believe we are trying to unlearn here, leaving a man to take care of his own little boy feelings, treating him like a man not a child and being his mummy, hopefully inspiring him to grow up. Letting go of the outcome. He either will grow up or he will not and if he doesn’t and we are leaning back taking care of and responsibility for our own feelings we will eventually lose interest and be bored by him as he either, can’t, doesn’t want to or is not yet
developmentally able.

As we change/heal and take care of our own feelings, he will either heal to or we will become bored and not want him.

Either way win/win.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:50am
622: Annie says:

618: Rebecca says:

“My feelings are here for a reason and I don’t want them dismissed by anyone.”

Absolutely, your feelings belong to you and they are NOT wrong.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:53am
623: Rebecca says:

Actually I feel downright angry, but there you go..

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:17am
624: Rebecca says:

Annie, Miraculously loved,

Thank you!!!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:19am
625: Dominique says:

Rebecca -575 – Maybe you’re not used to a nice man, or one whose actions don’t fit in with his looks or your idea of what he looks like would act like?

How about remaining open and curious about him. Take him as he comes, and enjoy. Allow yourself the surprise, and allow him to surprise you more.

You still get to choose every step of the way, whatever your choices might be.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:26am
626: Tam says:

Well, I am human and my actions don’t always match my words…I am not a robot.
And I feel happy about that.
Judge me if you want.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:27am
627: Dominique says:

Rebecca – 583 – Or maybe he’s trying to take care of you like men tend to like to do, make things better, fix things.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:31am
628: Femininewoman says:

Sorry Rebecca. I believe in looking at things through different eyes. Changing perspectives. Our feelings are our compass in the world. I believe in putting my energy so when they show up I question my beliefs and try to connect to my essence. Sorry for suggesting to bring it back to you.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:33am
629: Indigo says:

Heart 610

I feel angry at him too. There are days when anger bubbles up and I can definitely feel that huffy-puffy-blow-the-house-down kind of anger.

But

I know that’s not all that’s going on here. I *know* that us taking a break from each other and giving him space is the right thing to do. I know it is, right down to the core of my being. If I *could* do no contact for these 6 months, I would, because I believe it would be beneficial.

We are not seeing each other. At all. For 6 months we are doing our very best to take as complete a break from each other as we can. We were very close before, and so complete no contact, with no messaging even, feels a bit too hard.

This is hard for me. And that’s why I sometimes feel angry at D. But it is very healing too.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:37am
630: Memulo says:

My CD showers me with attention. I get good night and good morning texts and a lot of texts and calls in between. He asked me about my plans for last night, it felt like checking what I was doing while he is away. I feel kind of bombarded but guilty about even trying to look for someone else.

I feel I messed it up a bit with the new CD. I texted him back in response to a long text listing his activities and saying he is moving apartments with almost as long a text talking about my evening and wishing him good luck with the move. I don’t know, maybe at the moment I can only communicate with people who I don’t have much feelings about.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:43am
631: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I am sorry you see it as dismissed your feelings. I see it as looking deeper inside.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:43am
632: Dominique says:

And to add to 612 – Men tend not to work like this. That he allowed himself to shed tears in front of you feels sweet and tender. He feels safe with you, and this is lovely.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:44am
633: Memulo says:

I feel scared deep inside that no one will treat me the way my CD does. Though it didn’t happen right away either.
He always tells me how beautiful I am, 10 times a day. I mean – can we talk about anything else?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:48am
634: Dominique says:

This all comes back to you, no matter what it is and how it feels. All of us see the world through the filter of our triggers whether they are triggers of the good feeling kind or the bad feeling kind.

Taking a deeper look inside or bringing things back to you is absolutely not a dismissal of what you feel. Not at all. It’s a feeling of these feelings on an even deeper level and asking yourself why. And what can I do for myself to make myself feel better. Whatever this looks like. And this may very well look differently for each of you.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:51am
635: Femininewoman says:

Hey Tam!!!!!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:53am
636: Dominique says:

Try to enjoy Memulo. A man who loves you will show his love in his way, whether it be words or touch or action. If it feels overwhelming, can you ask yourself why? Are you not accustomed? Do you not feel worthy? Something else? Can you try testing your comfort zone by allowing even more of this?

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:54am
637: Dominique says:

Tam – 624 – Nothing wrong with this. And we can change our minds about things at any time. Nothing wrong with this either.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:01am
638: Femininewoman says:

Memulo do you have any of Rori’s programs? I believe this your prickly self that is showing up. Shutting down your fern self. This cd is pouring a lot of water on the fern. Trying to get it to flourish into its best self.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:15am
639: Rebecca says:

FW

You are looking deeper into his feelings, but not mine. I wonder why this is?

What do you think?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:21am
640: Rebecca says:

Dominique – 623 – absolutely! I am trying to remain open and take it step by step and very gently!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:26am
641: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca did you read 630 and 632?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:27am
642: Rebecca says:

Dominique, FW – 630

And to add to 612 – Men tend not to work like this. That he allowed himself to shed tears in front of you feels sweet and tender. He feels safe with you, and this is lovely.

xxoo

“Feels sweet and tender”

To who?? How about asking me how I felt??

“He feels safe with you, and this is lovely.”

Again his feelings and your feelings Dominque?? Not mine??

It would feel so good if someone asked me how I felt??

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:40am
643: Heart says:

I question this whole “everything comes back to you” things…
It’s just part of a school of thought (which school it is exactly is beyond me)….
Some things are old stuff and triggers…and somethings are just Valid emotional responses….

Feeling bad when someone cries as a result of something you said….Is a valid human response.
Not everything is about old stuff….
It’s up to the person to feel it out and understand what’s going on…

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:41am
644: Heart says:

How did you feel Rebecca?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:42am
645: Rebecca says:

Heart – 642 – see post 600

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:44am
646: BeLoved says:

I love that this article is bringing up the victim issue – it flared up on FB, too, among friends and is reflecting something to see in myself.

A while back, I had a dream that I saw a scroungy, whiny little vampire on the floor, crying and complaining to me about how he couldn’t help how he was a vampire, and couldn’t help how he was and couldn’t change because that’s how he was born and the circumstances he was born into and wah wah wah.

I felt repulsed, and zapped him into a pile of goo.
I felt good about this at the time,
but now I see that by not owning and loving my inner victim, I’m surrounded by people reflecting those very thoughts.
Nearly every day I hear C say, “I’m a product of my environment!” and I would just about jump out of my skin, wanting to shake him and scream at him and argue with him and be contemptuous with him.

Yesterday I was talking to friends who do the same drama in their relationships over and over and over and OVER again, I feel tired of hearing how they had the same interaction yet again…they know Rori’s tools, one of them is a RELATIONSHIP THERAPIST and yet she herself has told me how amazed she is that I use all of these ideas that I find and she doesn’t, the info just sits there on the shelf.
She doesn’t think she can change.

Maybe she can’t? I don’t know…I do know that by rejecting and beating up the part of me that believes that, I managed to attract the h3ll out of it in spades, lol.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:48am
647: Heart says:

I read it a while ago…
Was asking cuz u said u wanted someone to ask u

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:49am
648: Dominique says:

Rebecca – 640 – Why is this triggering you so?

I am asking you to try on another perspective. Add it if doesn’t fit, then it doesn’t fit. And this is okay, great even.

I am also asking you how you feel in this, and I’m asking you to sink even more deeply into how this feels to YOU. And maybe look for ways to feel better. Isn’t this what you want? To feel better and maybe gain some understanding along the way? About you of course? And also about others maybe?

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:53am
649: Dominique says:

Heart – 641 – It isn’t necessarily about old stuff. If you feel badly when someone else is hurting, you are feeling compassion for them. Maybe a part of you wishes you could take their pain away. So it still come back to you. How YOU feel.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:56am
650: Femininewoman says:

Interesting how our blindspot can keep us entrenched so we can’t even see when something is staring us in the face

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:59am
651: Memulo says:

Dominique, FW, my problem is that each time I hear it I think that I’d really prefer to hear it from someone else. And there were times when I did hear it from someone else. I wasn’t capable enough to make it last. It’s a reminder of my failure. Plus I don’t reciprocate enough.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:59am
652: Dominique says:

Memulo – First of all, there are no failures, only lessons and opportunities to grow and blossom even more.

So why now do you think you would rather hear it from someone else? And is/was this someone else saying it yet maybe not with words?

And why do you think you need to reciprocate? Can you just enjoy receiving? This is your job – to BE, to receive, to allow.

There will come a time when you will feel inspired to say something in appreciation or there won’t. It’s okay either way.

This isn’t really your job. You CAN show thankfulness and/or appreciation though IF you feel it. And a simple thank you and a little melting if this feel right is all that is needed.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 10:07am
653: BeLoved says:

Rori asks, “Are You A “Victim” Or A “Survivor” Or A “Conqueror” Or A “Compassionate Lover”?”
and
I say…YES!
32 Flavors and then some….

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 10:10am
654: BeLoved says:

Haha that doesn’t feel true, I don’t believe myself.
I just feel …more peaceful than I did a few hours ago.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 10:21am
655: MovingMagic says:

Beloved, regardless of whether it’s true or not. I love that! 32 flavors & then some. It sounds so yummy. Like an indulgent treat.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 10:49am
656: Tereana says:

Random thought of the day: my a** feels like catnip to men. Even more than my breasts, it seems. They see it, and they just get all happy and want to be all over it. Yay! That’s pretty fun.

That’s a pretty good super power to have

I must use it wisely : )

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 11:27am
657: Indigo says:

Memulo 649

I really wish you would not refer to yourself as a failure. This is who you WERE at the time, a beautiful human being, and this what seemed right to you to do. It is not better or worse than anything else you could have done. Where is the failure? Failing to be something that you are not? Give yourself a break. It is ok.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 11:39am
658: LoveAlways says:

Hi Sirens:

I have not been on the blog much lately. HScd and I are back together and I’ve been considering purchasing Rori’s “Love Forever” membership instead of the reconnect your relationship. I would love your input on this.

Most of my purchases have been Rori’s programs for single women. I used commitment blueprint, toxic men, targeting mr. right, modern siren and love scripts (along with the blog) during our separation . . . and yes, I leaned and he leaned forward . . . marriage on the table . . . it worked again!!!

Now that things are so much better, I want to stay in that modern siren mode, but most of the material I have are geared for single women.

So what do you think is best for me at this point? Love Forever or Reconnect?

Thanks for you help and much luv,

LoveAlways

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 12:09pm
659: LoveAlways says:

*I leaned back*

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 12:10pm
660: Annie says:

640: Rebeccasays:

“Dominique, FW – 630

And to add to 612 – Men tend not to work like this. That he allowed himself to shed tears in front of you feels sweet and tender. He feels safe with you, and this is lovely.

xxoo

“Feels sweet and tender”

To who?? How about asking me how I felt??

“He feels safe with you, and this is lovely.”

Again his feelings and your feelings Dominque?? Not mine??

It would feel so good if someone asked me how I felt??:

I understand where you are coming from.
Do you want to go deeper and do you feel able to process, riff? If you do deeper feelings will come up, most likely old trauma, painful feelings and things will shift. Trauma and pain that you were not able to handle as a little girl but now as an adult are able to and then a shift will occur.

Hugs.
I understand.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 1:54pm
661: Femininewoman says:

Yayyy LoveAlways

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 1:56pm
662: Annie says:

.
Apologies to Tam.
Didn’t mean to judge you, make you wrong.
Only you know what you want and is right for you.
I felt reminiscent re old threads around this.
And what it brought up for me as in
I want a man who’s actions match his words as that makes me feel safe, I know where I stand then.
And I want my actions to match my words so he knows I mean what I say.

I understand if you felt judged, apologies and if you do not want that.
We are all on our own unique individual journey inwards finding and re connected to ourselves abd finding what we individually do and don’t want. And how we want to live.
We are all unique.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:06pm
663: Violette says:

Rebecca it sounds like you already have gotten a great deal out of the experience of exploring yourself in the presence of your friend who likes you. If you’ve had enough I often find in empowering to find a lovely way to say no thank you. Or, you can try going out with him again, and see what comes up, if you can practice tools on him, as you already have, and be open to surprises. There are so many men out there and they are all there help you receive the relationship you want. And to become a more and more authentic and delicious version of yourself.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:19pm
664: Violette says:

Tam hang in there. I hope you can forget about him and feel great and find something better. I so get it and want the same for myself!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:20pm
665: Annie says:

Rebecca, someone else may not imagine they would feel like you do/did if that happened to them.
And indeed they may well really feel differently if it happened to them.

For instance it may feel lovely to Dominique if a man is able to cry in front of her.
And to another woman like yourself it might feel differently.
Only that individual woman knows how it feels to her in the moment.
And yet again to that same woman one man crying may feel differently to a different man crying, dependent on the circumstances.
There are two types of crying and two types of tears.
One type are therapeutic and healing.

It is what it is and we are all where we are at.

That would be their feelings based on how they imagine they would feel if they were you in your circumstances.

What feels difficult for most people to do is see it through your eyes.As if they were YOU with YOUR life experience and senses and understand your feelings from your perspective.

Most people do not ever get to that place.
They are just not able to do this.
Doesn’t mean they never will be able to.
Some people reach that stage and others do not.
They just are not able at this moment in time.
Like with everything else in life.

A way to check in with ourselves over this is if either we or another person is saying any of the following to us.

You shouldn’t feel like that.
You have no reason to feel like that.
You should feel like this.
This is agreeing with reality as that person really does feel like that as their feelings belong to them and them alone.

If we are saying this or having it said to us, we are not seeing it through that persons eyes and they are not seeing it through our eyes.
Highest level in empathy.
Just like most of us do not reach highest level in maths skills.
Art.
Languages etc you name it.
This is the same.

It is what it is.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:50pm
666: Annie says:

disagreeing not agreeing.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 2:52pm
667: Annie says:

Rori said.

“Sometimes, these things are difficult to put into words in a way that another person can understand and “grok” what it feels like to the person who’s writing. It’s as though we each are filtering everything through our own experience.

And that’s what makes us so valuable to ourselves and each other, and helps us see that perception is in the eye of the beholder, and that perception itself is not so very valuable.:

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 3:10pm
668: Femininewoman says:

Yayy T-Girl. I love to read those success stories.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 4:58pm
669: bloom-ing says:

hey, feminine woman !! regarding your question in 293 i think ? …… my bf in college & i used to joke that i had an “armpit fetish” & i paid a lot of sensual attention to both of our armpits…… ((((bodies))))

miss you ! hope you are well : )))

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:14pm
670: bloom-ing says:

starla, i feel happy to read you are having fun dating your man : ) sounds good & we all KNEW he would come back (((hugs))) love you!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:17pm
671: Lori says:

Starla, Starla! I haven’t been on much the last few days. What have I missed?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:24pm
672: Memulo says:

Bloom-ing, nice to see you here;) Hope you are doing great!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 5:41pm
673: Memulo says:

Omg, it is unbelievable. I went to a superbowl party and saw a guy there that I was in love with a few years back. I liked him, that’s a better word. He was a player and boy he played with me. We belonged to the same social circle and saw each other often. It went on for a couple of years! We weren’t together and I don’t do FWB, so I just suffered lol and couldn’t look at anyone else. And then there was a crisis and I had to stop talking to him. I mean – he did something that was unacceptable. I didn’t see him for a few years! He called me a couple of times over the years and didn’t leave messages, so I did not return his calls. he texted me before the new years.. and tonight at the party he was all over me, talked only to me. entertained me the whole time and then gave me a ride home (with another friend in the car). I made fun of him a bit and even asked if he was gonna ask for my number at the end:) He kept on saying that he really wants to have a relationship at this point in his life.

I really think that the story with dumb cd was the most shameful in my life. No one before just left and never talked to me again.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:06pm
674: Memulo says:

LoveAlways, I’m soooooo happy for you!!

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:11pm
675: Dominique says:

Repost of 632.

This all comes back to you, no matter what it is and how it feels. All of us see the world through the filter of our triggers whether they are triggers of the good feeling kind or the bad feeling kind.

Taking a deeper look inside or bringing things back to you is absolutely not a dismissal of what you feel. Not at all. It’s a feeling of these feelings on an even deeper level and asking yourself why. And what can I do for myself to make myself feel better. Whatever this looks like. And this may very well look differently for each of you.

xxoo

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:22pm
676: Memulo says:

Dominique, thank you. What you said to me makes a lot of sense. And I am feeling a little less responsible, which feels good:)

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 6:28pm
677: GlowStix says:

*Glitter*

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:01pm
678: GlowStix says:

Awww…I feel an absence of riffing here. Babygirl, what’s wrong? Well…I feel rushes of heat through my body. Electric in my belly and whoosh whoosh out into my arms. My arms feel cool and tingly and puffy light maybe floaty. So much heavy pushy energy here. Ooshy belly. My brow feels heavy and my throat lumpy. Anxiety and apprehension. I feel concerned. It would feel good to come back more often, maybe. Spend a little time here. ooo ooo yes! I feel such a thrill! Ooo pulsing and electricity in my chest and up
through my throat to the back of my eyes. Yummy thrummy

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:09pm
679: GlowStix says:

Omgosh I have had a vibrant yet relaxing day soooo happy in my body, so well fed. Mmmm so many many soft kisses and inner dancing and heart melting and receiving of such magical adorations. Feels all heavenly up in my world. Hugging self and swaying to the most delicious beat, warm body drifting up from behind to join this embrace. So soft and pleasurable. My body is home. My body feels like home. My body was described to me as “home” by a man. To hear this…Magic.

Well yes. I quite like being inside my body…I can see why he does too

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:17pm
680: GlowStix says:

My personal self, my body, he is calling his home.

Still feels interesting and rough edgy to absorb this. The concept is just completely foreign. Yet absorb it I shall…As I do with everything lately. I just know it must be grand. So grand! So much the most beautiful compliment I have ever, in my life, felt the delight of receiving.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:22pm
681: GlowStix says:

“Shhhhh quiet.” I say to myself, lately, when things feel big. When he said “You spend to much time here.” Shhhhh, little girl, I said. “Every little thing is gonna be alright.” Just listen, absorb. Absorb it in like liquid words and feel what those words feel like in your skin and muscle and bone and tissues. Then speak from the center of your existance. Mmm I like that. I agreed with him. That was exactly what was feeling heavy and sad to me. He hit it right on the head. I don’t want a home base that is not my own. I don’t want to exist here. And then he asked “Would you live with me, would you move in with me?” So curious.

But I said no. “I can’t afford your place.”

Then “Well, if I move into a different, less expensive place?”

“Yes, I would.”

And here we are. Now I, myself, am called “home.” very sweet.

Communication is such a stubbornly beautiful form of magic.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:34pm
682: GlowStix says:

What do you do when your home wants to go live somewhere else? awww (((stixandman)))

I feel mildly surprised he did not ask if he could move *into* me lol

Oh. So cheesy

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:38pm
683: GlowStix says:

He has also been asking me questions lately about inner peace and acceptance of mine and others’ feelings. He has been asking me my methods out of curiosity, and then expressing a desire to emulate and he is a QUICK learner. It sure does feel easier for me around here lately. It feels glimmering and lovely.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:42pm
684: GlowStix says:

***spam queen***

((((me))))

Goodnight blog xxx <3

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 7:43pm
685: Rori Raye says:

Sweetie – your job is to start Circular Dating right now, this minute!!!! regardless of whether you want to continue to date and sleep with him – you MUST start seeing other men….NOW!!! Love, Rori

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 8:31pm
686: Indigo says:

I am very tired.

I wish the feelings in me would just calm down.

I feel like one of those snowglobes, where things get shaken up, and then they settle, and then they get shaken up again.

I just want to settle for a while. I’m just very exhausted of playing things over and over in my mind, and feeling confused, and looking for some kind of answer or relief.

I do NOT want to blame him, I don’t even want to discuss it with him any more. I just want to KNOW.

I’m finding not knowing to be a little bit painful. My little girl is finding this all to be a little too difficult.

I feel as if I run a marathon in my head and then just collapse, exhausted, to the floor.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:33pm
687: MovingMagic says:

Ahh. Sweet awareness. Sweet gratitude, & expression. The warmth I feel as I snuggle in to myself. The loving feelings I have toward life, & what I attract toward me. I have filled my lifes canvas with color, texture, & feelings of warmth. For the first time…(maybe ever)I’m recognizing my beauty, & power, & it’s a magical thing.

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:36pm
688: MovingMagic says:

((Indigo)) perhaps some feel good music, low lights, & the warmth of candles would help ease your overworked mind?

Sunday, 3 February 2013 @ 9:54pm
689: Indigo says:

Thank you Moving Magic

I definitely need to be more soothing to myself.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 3:16am
690: Tam says:

((Indigo))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:38am
691: Tam says:

Ugh, let’s try again…something landed me in moderation:
So I totally CD’d myself this weekend..in the end everybody called me, it seemed, to invite me for superbowl parties or just check if I was available for dinner next week etc.
And I just couldn’t be bothered, I wanted to continue dating myself lol..and even upset one of my distant CD’s who thought he could invite me last minute for a party, i e 2 hours before it started. I was too busy walking and enjoying my own company, he got p*ssed that I had plans with myself…and wasn’t going to his party. Too funny.
Whatever.
At the end of the day, I found myself in a sports bar watching the superbowl with two of Curly’s friends, one had been trying to date me for a while but I am not at all interested in him (no conversation possibilities at all)…. So he was getting all touchy feely with me and I had to tell him nicely that this is not something I appreciate and much less so in public…then his friend (who has a gf), started to make a move on me and the other one got upset. This, by the way, is quite a high profile professional in the area, but I was shocked and kept asking him how his gf was. Anyway, as all this unfolded, a really cute guy walks in by himself and sits down next to me. He looked maybe late 20′s, very nice looking, like the baby brother of Antonio Banderas..ha! As I was checking him out and thinking how he could have any girl in the room and never talk to anyone like me (yeah, I know, silly, but I didn’t mind, I was just philosophying)…he starts to talk to me.
Too funny. Turns out he is NOT part of the crowd and just moved there and says he finds it very shallow and difficult to find like-minded people….and like me, he just looks young but is actually 3 years older than me. Haha.
So then, I had 3 c*ckerels around me…one was already too drunk to do anything and stomped off huffing and puffing. The guy with the gf, stood there giving Antonio Banderas evil looks and tried to hold my hand. Meanwhile Antonio Banderas says ‘uhmmm..what’s the story with your friend?’ So I explained that I wasn’ t sure wht he was so clingy as he has a gf…Mr Banderas was saying that my ‘friend’ seemed upset that he was talking to me.
It was very very funny.
MrBanderas asked for my number and asked me what I would like to do for our ‘first date’…he suggested opera, a musical or a wine bar.
Aha. Just as I give up dating it gets interesting.
Let’s see if he calls…I am a little sceptical about this….but feeling quite excited.
And it’s again a little ironic because he looks like every womans fantasy…dark and smouldering type – which isn’t my ‘type’ at all. Hehehe.
I find that funny.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:53am
692: Tam says:

Ugh, let’s try again…3rd time lucky…something landed me in moderation:
So I totally CD’d myself this weekend..in the end everybody called me, it seemed, to invite me for superbowl parties or just check if I was available for dinner next week etc.
And I just couldn’t be bothered, I wanted to continue dating myself lol..and even upset one of my distant CD’s who thought he could invite me last minute for a party, i e 2 hours before it started. I was too busy walking and enjoying my own company, he got p*ssed that I had plans with myself…and wasn’t going to his party. Too funny.
Whatever.
At the end of the day, I found myself in a sports bar watching the superbowl with two of Curly’s friends, one had been trying to date me for a while but I am not at all interested in him (no conversation possibilities at all)…. So he was getting all touchy feely with me and I had to tell him nicely that this is not something I appreciate and much less so in public…then his friend (who has a gf), started to make a move on me and the other one got upset. This, by the way, is quite a high profile professional in the area, but I was shocked and kept asking him how his gf was. Anyway, as all this unfolded, a really cute guy walks in by himself and sits down next to me. He looked maybe late 20′s, very nice looking, like the baby brother of Antonio Banderas..ha! As I was checking him out and thinking how he could have any girl in the room and never talk to anyone like me (yeah, I know, silly, but I didn’t mind, I was just philosophying)…he starts to talk to me.
Too funny. Turns out he is NOT part of the crowd and just moved there and says he finds it very shallow and difficult to find like-minded people….and like me, he just looks young but is actually 3 years older than me. Haha.
So then, I had 3 c*ckerels around me…one was already too drunk to do anything and stomped off huffing and puffing. The guy with the gf, stood there giving Antonio Banderas ev*l looks and tried to hold my hand. Meanwhile Antonio Banderas says ‘uhmmm..what’s the story with your friend?’ So I explained that I wasn’ t sure wht he was so clingy as he has a gf…Mr Banderas was saying that my ‘friend’ seemed upset that he was talking to me.
It was very very funny.
MrBanderas asked for my number and asked me what I would like to do for our ‘first date’…he suggested opera, a musical or a wine bar.
Aha. Just as I give up dating it gets interesting.
Let’s see if he calls…I am a little sceptical about this….but feeling quite excited.
And it’s again a little ironic because he looks like every womans fantasy…dark and smouldering type – which isn’t my ‘type’ at all. Hehehe.
I find that funny.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 4:54am
693: Dominique says:

Memulo – <3

xxoo

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:39am
694: Sweetie says:

Thank you Rori for answering me, I feel great to read your comment as well as a little scared. I am not 100% ready to C.D men, but I am 100% ready to C.D. myself which I have been doing since this happened. I am trying to change my vibe… for me…not to get him back (even though deep down the hope is there, I am trying not to focus on it). I am feeling more opened, more honest, more myself every day.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 5:58am
695: Beloved says:

Failure.
Sinking into the feelings of being a failure..
ick
a bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness
crushing
looking around
Hmm…
what is this?
Hmm.
Well…it’s just feelings of being a failure.
This isn’t so bad.
They’re just feelings.
Not so scary as I thought
This isn’t so bad
*giggling*
It’s kind of funny, actually
Feels like being caught in the painting “the scream” and falling, falling,
giggling more and more now
Oh, they are just feelings.
Muahahaha
laughing more and more
No big deal
Guffawing now, even
This is so funny!
It’s like a joke I play on myself with my feelings
Ms. Beloved you have one twisted mind sometimes!
Mischievous little minxy brat!
Shoo!
Off with you,
Goofy woman
laughing and laughing
Yawning, releasing,
more uncontrollable giggling…
no gaping maw of failure death here,
nothing to see,
moving on
shuffa shuffa shuffling and giggling
(oh, don’t feel TOO good now, you never know what might happen if you feel TOO good)
thank you, precious imagination,
I don’t want to be terrorized by you right now
(wha? it’s our favorite game!)
laughing
let’s think up another game.
how does it get any better than this??
Hmm?
(((((Beloved))))
How about finishing up some work?
Visualize a completed spreadsheet…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:44am
696: Annie says:

Time of the month.
My energy feels low, both physically and emotionally
overwhelmimg feelings of sadness come over me
I feel drained worn out.
But only drift in and out of sleep.
I want to feel refreshed.
feels difficult not to sink into that pit of grief and despair and stop and give up.

I drift in and out of feeling better and lighter and feeling motivated and doing things that make me feelgood and happy to move and then back into wanting to just sleep.

PAIN, feels so draining physical or emotional.
It feels odd as in nature, we would just rest and take care of ourselves in that way until we felt better.
But in todays busy society it is like we are not allowed to rest and label ourselves and have others label us as lazy if we are not doing doing doing being productive.
And we are encouraged to take pharmaceuticals to mask our physical or emotional pain. Pain blockers.
And have coffee, tea and energy drinks to keep us going or alcohol to wind us down and relax and relieve our stress.

Feels difficult to know what to do

Part of me wants to grab hold of me and pull me out of that pit and the other part wants to just allow me to rest until I naturally feel better.

I feel tempted to reach for the coffee and pain killers as then I will be more productive and have some relief from the pain.
Sigh!
What to do?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:45am
697: Femininewoman says:

Memulo I believe your actions caused him to respect you more because you respect yourself – whatever that crisis was.

This one not contacting you again is all about him. Nothing to do with you. The shamefulness is what you have attached to the experience. Have you ever checked in with your intuition to see what it feels about the experience? I would start writing about that situation to see what comes up.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 6:58am
698: bloom-ing says:

thanks, Memulo ! nice to “see” you too : )))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:44am
699: Heart says:

((((((Annie))))))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:53am
700: Heart says:

I feel warm & rested & soft
and cushioned & catlike lazy right now

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:55am
701: Lori says:

Good morning all, it’s been a week since I’ve heard from K. I miss him and hope he contacts me today now that the Superbowl is over. NFL is over. I’m leaning back. I still “feel” him. I’ve done better than expected and I think it’s due in large part to CDing and all the support I’ve received from all of you. Thank you.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:57am
702: Heart says:

Indigo – are you dating?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:08am
703: Heart says:

oh wait I think I remember u mentioning u were cding? …..

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:13am
704: GlowStix says:

mmmm I feel very light and a little free and also confused and shifty un-comfy. Stages and phases and feelings shift and move in me like oily iridescence. Blue and red and yellow and orange.

Can you see music? I asked the man the other day, when he was tutoring me on the subtle differences in the genres of electronic music and how to “hear out” the beats. He looked at me like I am an anomoly. “Well…” I said “Breakbeats can travel up and down and back and forth. Sometimes they move to the left continually and sometimes to the right. Regular beats play high and low and run parallel, but breakbeats shift up and down between high and low.” He may have fallen in love with me all over again in that moment haha I believe he really really wants me to make music with him. I totally COULD make music. Creating is art is part of my existance and music is just a painting of sound, you know?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:14am
705: Indigo says:

Tam

Thank you very much

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:19am
706: Indigo says:

Heart,

I am CDing, and don’t get me wrong, it helps.

But I don’t feel that I could *love* anyone at the moment.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:21am
707: Indigo says:

Haha Tam, that is funny

Smouldering and typically handsome is not my type either.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:27am
708: Heart says:

Hi Sirens – sometimes I wonder if complaining about a man on here is disrespecting the masculine?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:29am
709: Heart says:

April rose…you are such a babe…that felt good to read.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:33am
710: Heart says:

Ooops I mean GlowStix!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:37am
711: Femininewoman says:

RE 707 – It has felt that way to me too Heart.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:38am
712: Femininewoman says:

Also if with the complaining there comes a shift in the vibe as the words swirl around internally.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:42am
713: Heart says:

Indigo – I don’t understand how you can be ok with him taking somuch space…I would feel angry and rejected.
A few weeks is one thing…but, to me, 6 months feels more like a break up.
I would feel bad.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:43am
714: Femininewoman says:

Hello its James Bauer,

Men put up a tough exterior, but inside they crave affirmation of their manliness. They crave respect. Men feel so strongly about respect and disrespect that the absence of it can end a relationship.

Why have you never heard of this before? It’s because of several reasons, but one reason is that the desire for respect is so deep that many men don’t even realize other people (women) don’t sense it.

You know how men can be so emotionally insensitive and act as if logic is the only thing that matters in an argument? It sometimes seems like men are emotional idiots. Well it feels kind of like that for men when it comes to the respect issue. Although…it’s not quite like that because men just clam up and pull away instead of verbally expressing their exasperation.

Most men don’t realize you have to point out ways a woman has subtly shown disrespect. They just get angry and close down or pull away. They assume you did it because you don’t respect them. Men feel unloved by a woman when they don’t feel respected.

The respect issue is so powerful, I want to urge you to spend some time training your mind for greater awareness of the way it affects men. This is my invitation to you to use the training material I’ve put together for you on this topic. You can get a copy of my guide on this life-changing concept here.

Watch for my next email on the topic of affirmations and self-esteem. Do affirmations work? We’ll dive into that issue next.

James Bauer

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:44am
715: Indigo says:

Hi Heart

That’s the thing, we *are* broken up. We were in a relationship, and it ended.

We stayed in a sort of limbo for a little while afterwards, where we kissed and cuddled and spent time together. And then he suggested we take a break to properly heal, and then he said he would re-look at the relationship after 6 months.

The break itself doesn’t feel bad to me. It feels like a relief, it feels like what needs to happen. It’s the confusing feelings I feel while we’re *on* the break that are exhausting to me. Like him contacting me every day, and him going out and befriending other women. It’s totally draining to think about.

I think I need a bit of distance.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:50am
716: Heart says:

Indigo – if it’s not too painful….can I ask..why did u two break up?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 8:55am
717: Annie says:

I suppose name calling anyone is not being respectful
I feel curious if this is what Rori means whens she says calling man a jerk only hurts us.

Expressing a negative feeling and clearly stating what we do and do not want feels respectful and honing to ourselves though and to another person as we respect ourselves if we follow through with our actions taking loving care of a feelings by moving away from anyone that makes us feel bad and feels disrespectful to us.
If it is done in this way it feels respectful.
If it is done in a well I am giving you the silent treatment to punish you that feels the opposite, cold and robotic.
It’s knowing and feeling the difference.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:00am
718: Annie says:

We can name call in banter, playfulness and people do not feel disrespected, it is the vibe again.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:03am
719: Annie says:

I would love to ask Roris thought on something.
It feels difficult to respect men who do not show themselves respect, actually almost impossible.
Pretty much the same way I guess it is for a man to show a woman respect who he feels is not respecting herself.

Do you think respect needs to be earned?
deserved?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:07am
720: Mercedes says:

I had the best weekend EVER!!! (except for little bits of it on Sunday). On Saturday, J and I did the color run with some co-workers from both of our jobs (a really sweet picture of us has been posted on my blog….LOVE it and will be getting it framed soon!!!). We had an amazing time! It was absolutely as much fun as it looks!

On Sunday J had to leave for the Superbowl (boo! We just don’t spend weekends apart…so I was a bit lost with what to do with myself early in the day…that’s OUR time, not ME time…) BUT…later that afternoon I got to meet and have amazing conversation with someone from this blog! Super cool way to spend an afternoon (I’ll let her tell you who she is if she wants to. ). We talked for hours about just everything! The conversation was easy and time flew by…truly a wonderful day.

I didn’t get to see the game (my date for the evening, my son, decided he should probably watch the game with his gf instead of his mom so…that was okay) but I did have a quiet evening at home with a nice glass of wine and a good book.

Really perfect weekend and I want to go back to it right now….

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:08am
721: Annie says:

Ty Heart.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:08am
722: Annie says:

714: Indigosays:

“Hi Heart

That’s the thing, we *are* broken up. We were in a relationship, and it ended.

We stayed in a sort of limbo for a little while afterwards, where we kissed and cuddled and spent time together. And then he suggested we take a break to properly heal, and then he said he would re-look at the relationship after 6 months.”

The break itself doesn’t feel bad to me. It feels like a relief, it feels like what needs to happen. It’s the confusing feelings I feel while we’re *on* the break that are exhausting to me. Like him contacting me every day, and him going out and befriending other women. It’s totally draining to think about.

I think I need a bit of distance.

714: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

Hi Heart

That’s the thing, we *are* broken up. We were in a relationship, and it ended.

We stayed in a sort of limbo for a little while afterwards, where we kissed and cuddled and spent time together. And then he suggested we take a break to properly heal, and then he said he would re-look at the relationship after 6 months.

The break itself doesn’t feel bad to me. It feels like a relief, it feels like what needs to happen. It’s the confusing feelings I feel while we’re *on* the break that are exhausting to me. Like him contacting me every day, and him going out and befriending other women. It’s totally draining to think about.

I think I need a bit of distance.@

Rori had a thread on this that felt interesting and good to read where a man wanted a break.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:13am
723: Starla says:

Well. It’s amazing how much can change with a man. QZ is so into me, so overwhelmingly in love with me, that I actually had to ask him to tone it down a bit.

i know my subconscious is testing him and pushing him away, which is fine. instead of letting it turn into a game, i just tell him the honest truth about how i’m feeling.

and he is such an immovable rock or tree. i was really scared i would shake his confidence and feel even more resentful if i had to comfort him. or that he would just say what he thought i needed to hear even though he’s dying on the inside. both those possibilities really made me feel turned off and sick to my stomach.

but that’s not what happened. at all. he really is interested in being with me for the rest of our lives, and not expecting me to be anything or anyone but myself as i am in that exact moment.

i love the name “QZ” for him. To me, it represents the anti-label. QZ means nothing. You can’t even pronounce it. It’s not my place to decide for him what or who he is, so I stopped having a meaningful nickname for him. This has helped me show him the respect i failed to show him last time we were together. And as a bonus, it seems to have ignited a mutual respect where neither of us has to feel pressure.

i am happy:)

and i still totally need a little space from that man. and all that love. AHHHH it feels so overwhelming, i feel like i’m overdosing on drugs sometimes.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:13am
724: Beloved says:

It was me, it was me! Mercedes and I hung out yesterday and it was…sooo nice.
Easy…
she’s right, the time just flew by, I felt so comfortable and natural, thank you thank you!!!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:29am
725: Mercedes says:

LOL! BeLoved! YAY!!!! Thank YOU! I felt just as comfortable and LOVED hanging out with you!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:32am
726: Indigo says:

Annie 721, I would be interested in reading that article?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:44am
727: Heart says:

Annie – I feel a little confused by your comments…they seem off-topic. I was talking about complaining on the Blog itself…not to a man…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:47am
728: Femininewoman says:

You can say “I need to feel you, and I can’t feel you when I don’t at least hear your voice. I’m happy to call you some of the time, but mostly, I need to feel your energy, and I can’t feel it unless I’m on the receiving end…” Love, Rori

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:54am
729: Indigo says:

Heart, thanks for asking.

We broke up because I really couldn’t talk to him about things related to our relationship. He would withdraw. Conversations that I meant to be discussions would become tetchy and agitated, because he would just shut down and then become angry if I pushed him.

In many ways, his actions said that he was committed to me, but I found I just couldn’t talk to him about the practical things related to that commitment – the future, moving in, keys, practical details. I became very confused and uncertain and it would lead to fights. Even as we adored each other and had a wonderful time together, but his withdrawal was painful and the pressure would just become unbearable.

There would be periods of time, where it seemed like he had got over that, and he would make a huge effort and step up in a big way. But it would slip back into that after a month or two.

*Whew* opening up big time here.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:55am
730: Femininewoman says:

Tomorrow night’s call in this Goddess Way Call series will be all about DATING and how best to prepare yourself so that YOU feel WONDERFUL, GODDESY gorgeous whether it’s a first date or the 100th.

I will first be interviewed by my dear friend, Mary, who is also a client as well as my genius website designer and marketing strategist.

I will then be opening lines for questions. Ask me ANYTHING. You can remain anonymous if you feel more comfortable.

The call will run for around 30 minutes and will be tomorrow – Tuesday, February 4th at 5:30 western time, 8:30 eastern

Dial in # – 1-862-902-0100

Conference Code – 157203

This call will be recorded, so if you cannot make it live and would like to listen, I will be sending out the link to the recording following the call.

I would LOVE to have you on this special call. Please join me!!!

Love Dominique

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 9:57am
731: Lori says:

I will be there! When I was out Saturday evening, I would remind myself that I was woman, feminine, soft. I could feel the difference in my body would I focus.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:01am
732: CurvySiren10 says:

Indigo…sending lots of hugs. How difficult this must be. And the mixed messages just doesn’t help. Curious to know if he has ever had a long-term, committed relationship before…?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:09am
733: GlowStix says:

((((heart)))) <3

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:19am
734: GlowStix says:

I feel all warm and gentle and peaceful here and now. I would like to carry this feeling as long as I possibly can, and will construct todays thoughts, approaches, words, outlooks and attitudes around the upholding of the warm and gentle feeling.

It feels soft and expansive and like a pleasant pressure behind my cheeks.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:23am
735: Indigo says:

Hi CurvySiren

Thank you and you’ve asked a very important question there – no, not really. When he lived overseas for a while he had a serious relationship with a girl whom he lived with for practical reasons, but he ended up, in my mind, running away from that relationship.

Commitment seems to be a very big deal and a scary thing for him, and I don’t think he’s ever *really* committed to anyone. People commented that he had made more of an effort for me than anyone they’d ever seen before. I am the only person, aside from the overseas girl, who he has ever lived with.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:23am
736: Dominique says:

BeLoved – 695- LOVING this. Wonderful processing.

xxoo

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:25am
737: Heart says:

Indigo – thank you for sharing that…
Congrats on your new journey towards love & happiness *’▽’* !
I hope your horse is well-fed and your saddle is sturdy.
Sounds like your in a better place now…
Who know….apparently we attract what we repress…so maybe you’re not ready for deeply committed relationship either…

Woman talk because we’re afraid?
I don’t know…
(((hugs)))

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:27am
738: CurvySiren10 says:

Ahh yes Indigo…this is a big flag for me with any man. Seems like the longer they go without it, the less likely they are “capable” to. Although one could easily argue that it’s not about capability but moreso desire, willingness etc. I think this could be the core issue. He is obviously crazy about you, but his fears must run very deep when it comes to being committed, what that means to his life etc.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:34am
739: Miraculously Loved says:

How incredibly magnificent. I have a lot to do today so I am going to try not to spend too much time on this one today. It goes back to what Feminine Woman was talking about the other day in her post about growing yourself before committing. Which I agree with however I go back to a great deal of the therapy I received for 6 years and I have to say this has what triggered my reaction to FW’s post. I feel open to receiving this and feeling through my anger over it. Then in short I want to explore my heart with an experience I had for the past two days then I’ll have to get back to my work.
First, when I sat down with the first Therapist with a woman who was doing my intake, she saw me a couple of days and her words made me feel anxious; she judged my perception of relationships rather than helping me to experience it and then didn’t even help me in trying to explore other relationships. What she said is “I guess that’s how you might feel if you love unrequited love” in referring to the married man. Well, in my mind this love was not unrequited (I had a skewed view of what love was and wasn’t and in behavior there is a way to receive and weed out what’s love and what’s not; but never having experienced real committed and true love from myself or from another(man) I had no idea what that could feel like and certainly would never have considered that this married man did not love me. OK; now experience to me saying married man and see your judgments about that. If I were with you, you might try to talk me out of this relationship, right? You might judge me for being in this relationship? Which is what this woman therapist did…it wasn’t helpful and caused a great deal of anxiety for me at that time. For me inside my head I went around for 2 weeks beside myself asking, “If he doesn’t love me then what’s wrong with me?” Then goes the cycle, maybe I should be more understanding; maybe I should turn off my feelings for him…and on and on and on. So, after that every encounter where he would come and go all I attempted to do was prove to myself and others that he did love me and I was not focused on myself, my kids or anything else in life because if he was in my life, I was focused on him and if he was out of my life I was focused on why or what I did. All I was the emotionally torn girl all the time. Whenever I did try to explore new relationships; it wasn’t authentic and it rarely ever happened because I had no confidence in choosing relationships. Then she transferred me after a couple of weeks to her supervisor who was a male and probably one of the greatest gifts in my life. However, he could see what I was doing that was ineffective he would not tell me what to do otherwise in order to heal this part of me. It left me struggling in the outside world (outside my home and therapy) to find a way; so, I listened to other people (married people) tell me that I should not date or be in relationships until I healed myself. My therapist was trying to guide me but his challenges didn’t work because I could not give myself permission to attempt new relationships and frankly I think he also thought I needed to work through my stuff, all of my stuff. Let me say that after the years of childhood abuse by my stepmother and 4 years of sexual maletreatment from the age of 11 to 15 by my step mother and severe domestic violence and isolation with my children’s father I had very few tools; almost none (emotionally, behaviorally) except those I fell back on when I was 12 and adolescent. So, even though I was a thriving 28-30 year old woman who could accomplish many things; male relationships was not one of them. There were many reasons for this and a great deal of what Rori does hits home in so many ways and really gives tools. So, when Rori says CD; then please, no matter how you “feel” do it! Confidence is not gained and then practiced; confidence is practiced and then gained just like any skill. Although it is ok to take a break be careful not to take too much of a break.
OK, back to my story: the whole trigger here is that it stirs my heart and makes me excited…that I can tell others that no, you don’t wait until you feel like it and don’t let others dictate to you what you should do/be focused or where to be focused.
What I have learned about my own inner workings and reshaping all the pain and hurt feelings; one by one, that I experienced in the world was done only in the confines of non-committed healing with men. I am now exploring these same dynamics in my relationships with women; particularly supervisors.
I know how unhelpful it can be to try to explore relationships in isolation of having any. Its frustrating. I know how horrible it can be to be out in the world of people never having a real connection with anyone in particular; because I never would try because I never had the tools. I spent so much of my time (at the advice of well meaning people and misguided interventions of therapists) in a relationship with a married man because I still had the desire for relationships but no permission and ways to do it. I unwittingly just stayed right where I was: stuck and non committal. I know I sound like a commercial but this is just a testament. When I found Rori’s tools it was at a time when I was done with the heartache so, I let go of married man (not overnight) and started dating but still being guided by the “one” mentality. I ran into some interesting characters and had decided that there had to be another way however I was foundering with no other tools. I was attracting the same kind of man…and believe me the backlash from friends and family was insurmountable when I decided I wanted to find forever. So how strong I felt when I went to an adult dating website and started putting Rori’s tools to work and there were several men that pushed my buttons. One in particular who on our last date said “You can come and see me at work” to which I applied, “It would feel amazing if you came to see me, it just feels like I’m chasing you if I go to your work.” To which he did not have a reply. This was a prime example of a non-committed little boy who wanted to be chased and taken care of…I excited sage left, but boy he was so sweet and had I not had the “don’t have sex with him mentality and listened to my feelings” I would have gotten glued to another emotionally abusive man.
This work is hard but it can be fun…the moral of the story is that it is ok to be alone and not lonely but adventurous with men, lots of them (and have sex or not have sex) but it’s also okay to want a relationship and still be alone and mature and your own person. Rori’s tools help navigate that process and assist with the emotional turmoil that can happen as a result of bad relationships or in my case extensive years of pain and abuse. This is what it means to be a conqueror; not figure out how to heal yourself away from people, men or relationships but practice IN relationships whether its with men or women or whatever…explore the excitement of people and how you react to them…we all have relationships; friendships and each one of my CD’s I got involved with knowing I wanted to be married but only looking for friendship…
I still have my triggers to which I will discuss here in a minute but I had to let go of the societal notion that it was bad for a single mother with children to
desire a relationship and marriage and then to get over how they thought I should do it. This is truly what broke the pattern of lonely relationships for me and gave me confidence to be in a marriage and relationships despite the hurt and pain that they sometimes can bring….I know that was preachy but today: let me give you permission to never again ask why he doesn’t want you the way you want him and to find someone who does…and if he wants you but can’t just can’t find a way for you to be together for any reason what so ever; to let him be (you don’t even have to let him go at first) and then be with yourself and others in a way that brings out your magnificence. I say I will never stop loving the ones I was really committed to and I accept those feelings but I can and will be in another relationship with the one that can make a commitment and does love me at the same time I let the ones I love find their most amazing place. Although, I am uncertain that married man will ever find his true peace. He said the most wonderful place he had ever been was the times he was with me. He said he never felt more at peace and alive. He left his wife shortly after I left him…and I will continue my next post based on these feelings because they resurfaced; with my permission and I am now preparing to put them away again until I want to visit him…he emails me about every 3 months…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:42am
740: Dominique says:

Femininewoman – Have I ever told how thankful I feel for you? You’re an amazing, constant, consistent presence here, and I love you.

xxoo

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:48am
741: April Rose says:

Hello Heart,

Thanks for making my day. Even if your message was meant for someone else, you still called me a babe.

Thank you!!! I love you!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 10:57am
742: Dominique says:

Miraculously Loved – 739 – This was beautiful. And may I add that we are all on a path of healing. There is no “there” to get to. It’s an ongoing journey which can be incredibly rewarding and exciting though sometimes painful.

I don’t think you (hypothetical you) need to be healed in order to be in a relationship, not even your “the one” relationship.

I had a tremendous amount of work to do when I got together with K, and the relationship blossomed nonetheless, maybe made it even better that I got to heal in his presence and he mine.

xxoo

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:03am
743: GlowStix says:

Dominique- Your thoughts on healing through each other have been a part of the solid core foundation of my healing journey, within relationship. They are a part of what holds me together, or pulls me back together when I feel disconnected from the processes that are healing and growing me. They are a part of the light that keeps me afloat. I don’t know how else to say it. Your words came to me at exactly the right time and the energy they created will stick with me forever. Thank you

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:11am
744: Dominique says:

Glowstix –

Much love to you.

xxoo

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:19am
745: Femininewoman says:

Thank you Dominique.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:23am
746: Heart says:

April Rose – I feel happy & smily & Aww reading your post.
Anytime April Rose! <3<3

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:32am
747: ruth says:

Miraculously Loved
WOW

What an honest, uplifting , magnificent post that was!

I do have a question though
HOW do you heal?

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:32am
748: Miraculously Loved says:

Married man or previously married man I guess I should call him now emailed me 2 weeks ago and asked how I was as he does every so often. It makes me feel warm that he moves close to me even if I am not with him. There is this very deep spiritual connection I have with him and its just different. This is about all I can handle of our connection because he is not in a good place. I feel all jumbled when I talk about him so I do so infrequently. I am in a good place so it feels a little guilty of me to tell him how beautiful I feel but I know that somehow it brightens his day. He’s still noncommittal and that’s ok too because I don’t need his commitment. I only deal with him to the degree that it makes me feel good and may break my heart just a little but it doesn’t rope me in. He became my best friend after 6 years of being in each other’s space and I love him very much, although I will never be with him again.
After he emailed me 2 weeks ago (I often have to wait a bit to respond to him and get past some triggers) I emailed him back and let him know “I feel beautiful as usual.” and asked how he was and I asked if there were any prayers I could send his way; (in our old days I would email him a prayer) however, I did not email him after he replied to that because I knew he was looking to receive something from me and I started to feel pulled so, I didn’t reply until this past Sunday. However, I told him that when I pray It is more intimate than sex so, I could not give that to him any more. I told him I felt confused because one part of me wants to hate him where the other part feels so much love for him…this was very therapeutic for me because I had never told him how much he brought out my pain. I told him I felt exasperated that I would allow myself to compete or put myself in that place but that it didn’t matter because I was doing so beautifully. I offered him nothing but just poured out my heart a little…and then he surprised me with how e came back true Rori style with heart and opening up and feeling…he is heart broken that I am getting married but that I gave him hope for what he could have if he could only get past his pain…that he wants to be with me but that he doesn’t think he can be the man I needed or give me what I need (as if that was even an option) but I just let that slide. He said he vowed never to lie to me again and this was as honest as he could be. Nothing changes with him though because he is not ready and may never be. He said he loves me and that he hates living without me. That made me feel more beautiful. He said when I emailed him at 3A he was still up; it was 2A where he is and he was having one of the darkest nights he had had in a long time. I have to be careful though because I know our intuition is what ties us and the energy we share. I have to release this frequently as I sometimes know when he’s feeling certain things. That may seem strange but I know when he misses me. I explained to him that I did love him to but the fact that I am marrying B does not confuse me.
I know its not the love I feel for him that is the point, its the energy I give our love and what I offer which is no more than what he can give. He is important to me but I don’t need him and I feel strong for that. I also don’t let this dialogue go on for long because I know with all certainty that I could be sucked back in. Its like passing your old lover on the street; if you decided to go to dinner it could be detrimental…that feels intriguing. However, I don’t ever want to do that to B, he is amazing and I love him and he has offered me the world. I am imagining how judgmental others may feel about me and E and that I would continue to entertain him and his sometimes darkness but I have forgiven this too and I don’t define it. I don’t think it means anything at least not for “us” but it means something to me as a therapy and a reminder that no matter what there are always possibilities. The important thing is that I throw all of my energy into my here and now and not force anything. Love with B is so much more pleasant and its no work at all; very few heavy feelings and none that he would ever make me feel. Although I sometimes feel heavy for things having nothing to do with him. That’s when he reaches out his arms to hold me and comfort me and I melt into him. It’s the best possible love and it grows so much every day.
My love for E is completely immature and cannot grow because he either couldn’t or wouldn’t let it materialize. I don’t accept that anymore for my life but, it is okay for me to experience him in small doses…away from my life. I do tell B that E and I have talked; although I rarely tell him about what and he doesn’t ask; he trusts me and I trust myself with E. B is the most sturdy man I have ever known and being with him (and without him) feels tremendous. E is right he can’t be the man I need…but B is. I love them both but I am marrying one because he decided he couldn’t live without me. Princess me!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:33am
749: Smile says:

I feel a deep contentment in myself lately.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:39am
750: Smile says:

Tam@ 692… That feels exciting!!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:42am
751: Miraculously Loved says:

#747 It depends. That’s kind of a loaded question. My healing for me came from not only the years of therapy but strength and courage to not attach to one man right away but to heal through my interactions with other people and men. I am still healing and it is why I am here again. I am getting married and I feel terrified. We just bought a house recently and I was having some reactions that were overwhelming. I needed to take a deep breath and explore them before I sabotaged my relationship. My feelings weren’t about him at all they were only triggered by him and not necessarily for anything he had ever done. When I am with him I feel loved and supported and funny and sexy and taken care of and able to accomplish anything. Of course I feel that way without him too. However, for a second I was loosing that ability but again that wasn’t his fault. I started putting too much weight into the fact that we bought a house, got engaged and are planning a wedding. I had stopped all of being who I was and was falling..I had to find a way back to myself and sometimes that means going back to the beginning..here on the blog. Rori’s techniques and the reminders from these ladies; these sirens…being single in a relationship is not easy. Holding onto myself while I am loving and taking care of others sometimes seems and feels overwhelming. Each person is going to heal their own feelings because they are so unique but what I can say is that Rori’s bridging and shifting tool worked wonders for me and still does to the degree that I almost do it automatically now when I get a feeling that overwhelms me. apply love to my sad, hurt and sometimes angry feelings and I have to decide did he do this on purpose, is this because of something I’m keeping from him (because I am afraid of loosing the relationship) or is it because of something that happened to me in my past. Sometimes I feel surprised that I didn’t react to something the way I would have before. I will assure you that healing and finding wholeness is a lifelong process and is never complete. As Rori stated earlier, these feelings never really go away we just learn what they mean, what they don’t mean and how to handle them better when they happen. Our feelings don’t stop happening because we are human and meant to feel..they are a part of our survival and what connects us to others. Its when the signals get mixed up; when we need a little help and reminders that love is available all the time, everywhere…I am not perfect at it and I screw up all the time. After two weekends of tears and asking him to change who he was because I was trying to be something I am not, I yelled at my fiancé and I had never done that in a year and a half, that was my first signal that something wasn’t right…I am healing…I feel shaky just typing that…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 11:58am
752: Miraculously Loved says:

I feel overwhelmed at the question but a good overwhelmed…whew! Lunchtime!

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:02pm
753: Miraculously Loved says:

Dominique I am so with you…its a beautiful journey

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:03pm
754: April Rose says:

“……being single in a relationship is not easy…”

Thanks for that, Miraculously Loved. You have just described my condition – single in a relationship!!

Ha ha! I would laugh more if it didn’t feel so sad.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:12pm
755: April Rose says:

I’d like to experience the beauty in the healing journey through life.
Yes please. That would feel good.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:24pm
756: ruth says:

((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

thats all

Brave lady

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 12:32pm
757: Miraculously Loved says:

Ohhh huggss April Rose: I was referring to being “single in a relationship” as a good condition pointing to independence…not a lack of intimacy. Do you have no intimacy or do you not like to feel like you have separate lives? I feel curious…

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 1:52pm
758: Tereana says:

Miraculously Loved – I love what you write about your relationship! That felt so strong yet vulnerable. So profound and raw. In a way, we are all single, all the time – even in a relationship. It’s a good reminder that in order to be our best in a relationship, we have to continually return to ourselves. Otherwise we can jeopardize what we think we “have.” because nothing is static anyway..,

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:15pm
759: April Rose says:

I’ve been experiencing a sore lack of intimacy with the man I live with, WM, who I love.
We seem to trigger each other a lot. I own my part for having been critical and bossy in the past.
Then I discovered Rori.
Even with Reconnect I couldn’t turn things round enough for me to feel cherished and fulfilled in the relationship.
So, I started to Circular Date, and I got close to another man. I didn’t want to be with that man long-term, so I’m not seeing him now.
WM was upset about the CDing.
He had counselling for his own depression. My criticism of him triggered an episode that was pretty serious.
That was 18 months ago. I found Rori and did all the tools.
WM had counselling and, in his words, needs to ‘look after himself’ which involves closing down towards me in case I undermine him.
He admitted he had shut down towards me. I said it feels awful and I can’t live with him doing that.
He has offered to take a risk and lower his defenses.
That feels good. I am offering to be warm and open.

He considered that we ‘broke up’ when I started CDing. I explained that I was happy to go on dates with him, too. He said it hurt his pride too much.

Hence, feeling single in a relationship!! Or, rather, I am single and still living in a relationship situation.

I like your version – feeling undependent in a happy, committed relationship. I intend that kind of relationship for myself.

Thank you for your story. Felt fascinating and wonderful to read.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:16pm
760: Annie says:

I don’t want to be in an independent or co dependent relationship. Neither of these feel healthy or truly loving to me.
I want to be in a happy healthy interdependent relationship/s

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:27pm
761: Annie says:

I want to be am independent being being responsible for my autonomy but be in happy healthy interdependent loving workable and doable relationships.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:29pm
762: Annie says:

It feels good to read about your journey Miraculously Loved.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 2:31pm
763: Memulo says:

I am emailing with some men from the dating site and I try to stay positive, but I miss the prior guy. I’m ok with it, I decided just to accept it, but it feels that it should really take another love to forget. And I am not ready to love.

Yes FW, the prior guy lost respect for me among other things. I lost my status in his eyes.

Monday, 4 February 2013 @ 7:50pm
764: Tereana says:

emerson – norovirus is the worst!!!! I had that over the summer. Yuckers. But luckily, this was nothing like that – thank goodness…

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 2:45am
765: Roberta says:

You can’t let someone else affect how you feel about yourself, even if they’re lying or cheating.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 4:51pm
766: k2012 says:

“It would feel amazing if you came to see me, it just feels like I’m chasing you if I go to your work.” To which he did not have a reply. This was a prime example of a non-committed little boy who wanted to be chased and taken care of…”. Yes Miraculously Loved. High five for that one. Some of them want u to chase them. Well I am not chasing any man. That is THEIR ROLE. In fact as my hairdresser told me last night, “I am royalty”. I told her about Rori saying in her newsletter, “I am the prize.”

Tuesday, 5 February 2013 @ 5:24pm
767: connie says:

take time to learn to love you!
please!

Sunday, 10 February 2013 @ 8:33am
768: Roro says:

Phoenix,
I was in a relationship for over 2 years and 3 months and the last 8 months of them were an engagement. U could say i was the man in the relationship in terms of stepping up and i didn’t know my worth. plus i had been in many hurtful relationships in the past and i felt broken and he knew that and took advantage of it. he would depend on me on nearly everything, and if we were ever in a fight he would threaten to leave and scream and shout. After a while if i would ever try to argue with him he would hit me. It took a while before i woke up but i did and i realized my worth and dumped him on the spot. i didn’t hesitate. i was surprised when he got down on his knees crying and begging me not to leave him, but i threw the engagement ring at him and sent him all his guilt presents as well. That was in August 2012. now i’m so happy, just taking care of myself and focusing on myself and i’m surrounded by guys who adorrrrrrrreeeeee me!!! all i have to do is take my pick!! don’t hesitate to leave a piece of shit like that (mind my language) but that’s the truth. sooner than u think, once u take care of urself u r gna find that there are so many good guys out there who will love u and take care of u or simply just give u that bit of attention and admiration which will boost ur confidence and make u realize ur worth. be strong Phoenix!! u are a survivor!! xxx

Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 11:35am
769: Rori Raye says:

Roro – BRAVA to YOU! Love, Rori

Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 5:49pm

« Back to Home

Get More Free Relationship Advice!

Subscribe here to get my free newsletter jam-packed with new Tools for you...

You'll get so much extra help to create powerful attraction and commitment with any man!

First Name:

E-mail:

100% confidential, unsubscribe anytime

Have The Relationship You Want