This year I started saying “don’t insult me” but it’s not making a difference. I wonder if it would be more effective to say, “You can make your point without insulting me. Don’t lower yourself; you’re better than that.” She has low self esteem even though everyone loves her, and she has to have control of her every relationship and situation or she becomes angry.
Honestly I don’t know what to do. I’m not interested in leaving her because a two-percent change would make her a fantastic wife and companion. She’s very talented and great for conversation. I just don’t know whether she understands she’s abusive like her father and step father were while she was growing up. I don’t know whether there’s anything I can do. And I love her and our beautiful kids.
She won’t be intimate regularly–she has to initiate or she won’t speak to me for a day, which isn’t worth it even if it’s only once a month or less that she’s interested, which is usually when she’s ovulating (hormones, you know). So we have three kids at age 26; believe me, it’s not necessarily a sign of love in marriage. She tells me she hates me more often than she kisses me passionately. She also still yells me down for things I did before we were married, like seeing other people when I was at college, even though we agreed I would and she did the same.
I’m having a hard time and I think if she could be happy with the 1% of mistakes that I (like every other person) make, life would be okay. Instead if we have to pay the phone bill a month late because I took two weeks’ paternity leave she hates me for that month. I don’t know what to do.
Please help.

Rori –

I am not sure where to post re: my issue. Thanks.

My boyfriend of 2 years recently asked for some space. Which I am giving him. We started drifting a part probably 6 months ago. We did not talk about what was happening just started growing a part emotionally. I have been the one to contact him and ask him to do things and he has always said yes. I know at this point you suggest not initiating any contact with him. But I have a concern. During my marriage of 20 years I was sexually abused by my husband. I went thru 2 years of therapy to get through this and thought I had. But is wasn’t until I became intimate with my boyfriend that I noticed I had not worked thru everything. When he would initiate sex he would tell me to relax and to just enjoy it and that this could just be about me, but I was not comfortable with that. Soon, not really known to me, but I was taking charge, I initiated sex all the time, I never let him. I came to realize that by me laying there not being active in the sexual experience, not being in charge I felt the same feelings as I felt with my ex. I was so uncomfortable and uneasy. I ‘m pretty sure I took control, so I would not feel those feelings again of having no control. I definitely have a trust issue. I told my boyfriend about the abuse, but never told him how sex was making me feel. So, I was wondering if I should say something now. Or just follow your tools and do nothing and just show him I am changing instead of explaining that I want to change and I am trying to understand my feelings and working thru this issue. Please let me know your thoughts.

Also – I want to recommend someone to you. Her name is Emily Van Horn, she’s in Los Angeles but works by phone, and does a technique called Somatic Trauma Resolution. I totally love this technique, and perhaps it will help you understand what your “freeze” is all about and give you some new Tools.

We’ll talk health and alternative therapies in the Health category – and I’ll talk more about “going numb” and the “frozen defense” and how it relates to trauma and the work we’re doing here – the Power & Self Esteem category (Just go to “Top Posts” and you’ll find the whole series) will help you tremendously.

I’ve been my mother’s caretaker for many years because I viewed it as no one else cared enough about her to help her to have and live a better life or existence. My mother is mentally ill and through the years I have battled my own doubts and ignorance and I still do at times. It took me years to come to the conclusion that I am not my mother and I am not mentally ill, as she is. But I have learned that there are traits that I have learned from her that I have to recognize and discard.

One of the most difficult things for me is recognizing my own feelings. It is frustrating for me to have someone else clearly recognize what I cannot see in myself. My man can clearly see what I feel through the expressions in my eyes. Occasionally, he’ll question me about the feeling but gets irritated when what he says doesn’t line up with what I think. This is becoming a problem in our relationship. I need to step up the face on learning this about myself but I don’t know where to start.

One of the illnesses my mother has is Parkinson’s and I have seen a reflection of the symptoms within myself. I am currently working with a neurologist to either dispel or diagnose it. One of the symptoms of Parkinson’s is the appearance of wearing a “mask”. I recognize that I do this or have this symptom but I don’t know how to counteract its effect. Sometimes, I even freeze up and feel unable to move for just a few minutes but long enough to feel like I’ve entered the twilight zone. Occasionally, when pressured in conversations, I have these frozen moments when I feel compelled to speak but cannot get a word out of my mouth. It’s like it all backs up in my throat. I have to find a way to push past that. These moments make me feel so inadequate and incompetent that tears begin to fall before I am released from the freeze. I tend to use my mind to shift my focus from the thoughts and create for myself this illusional world within of joy and happiness. I cannot dwell on negative feelings and thoughts for long periods of time. It’s very depressing and causes a severe mental shift in my personality that makes me feel mentally ill.