I have not had computer access so have missed many, many posts but trying to read through. Won’t jump in on any cuz lots going on and feeling insecure that I’ll mix up everything and screw up. : (

BUT wanted to say I miss you all when I can’t read and I feel grateful to all of you.

the only thing I can catch up on is the whole Marilyn bathing suit thing – I have one that I called my Betty Grable swimsuit and wish I could post picture – I’m holding funny umbrella with a duck bill on it. 1940s is my favorite era – so fun to be part of the pin-up girl fantasy we’re sharing. I did the nudie pictures awhile back and I am going to do the pin-up girl pix next. I have been buying those type of clothing, lingerie and swimsuits in preparation. Yayyyyyy!!!!

i feel love for your self hatred and garbage feelings. i relate to them. i was raised to feel like i was a burden and inept and worthless. i feel confident you will baby step by baby step keep moving through your soup.

the i don’t wants
the feelings
the riffing
and then once it morphs to something good we can go do something from our list

this may not be complete. from rori’s power and self esteem series of posts

i know for me i had to keep riffing and riffing and i felt so horrible sometimes. then i would feel ok. then i would feel horrible again. and i kept getting that debilitating frozen thing. i just kept riffing through the horrible ffelings. and then it was the day it came out about chris brown hitting rihanna and i was riffing and i was like whoa i need to go back into therapy.

and i wouldn’t haven’t gotten to that place if i hadn’t been riffing deep. ugh.

i almost feel guilty recommending people do this because some of my feelings were pretty awful.

but also the actual working with someone to release my trapped trauma has helped tremndously as well.

i feel compassion cassandra. i feel supportive. i also feel a little worried. i would feel better if you had more support. are there any groups or a therapist you could speak with?

and i can say all that that i just did and also say i am only very very recently realising how OFTEN i do those very things to men. i feel embarrassed and like gaggin literally to think of my attitude toward men and HOW THEY SHOULD BEHAVE.

argh.

miss whatever would state her feelings. her don’t wants and then make decisions about whether she feels good or bad in each moment. if my miss whatever continued to feel bad with the same guy over and over i’d probably kick him to the curb. or at the very least start circular datinG ( Rori’s targeting mr right program is awesome for that!)

rori is right when she says you’l interest in the men who make you feel bad. i am baby step by baby step. not overnight. i feel everyone on here is taking baby step by baby step towards goddess bliss. i really do.

Cassandra, I feel that Daria put that so eloquently and softly. I felt the same way and we all want what’s best for you to feel good. I hope you feel better. I feel his pushing is his insecurity surfacing, and an unfortunate effort to gain masculinity. Breathe. I’ve felt very intimidated and scared before with men, so you are not alone in this at all. I feel when I stopped grasping and leaned way back my fear dissipated. I feel people can smell desperation and they won’t go near it. I felt alone when that happened but when I shifted my attention back to me my joy would grow back. I feel faith that your inner joy will come back .
Hugs and more hugs
Nikita

So today I was home again feeling all kinds of things. I slept well last night and allowed myself to wake up later than ever which felt replenishing, then I took a nap at some point and felt even better. I have a cystic fibroma on my foot, or so this doctor thinks, I did some online research and felt afraid. last weekend, i cried my eyes out, today, I felt really sad and confused. my guy was supposed to take me out and I was looking forward to going but he told me on friday that he may not have the money to go anymore because we need to do laundry and I haven’t heard from him since. I feel suspicious.

I’m trying to follow Rori’s rules about not making him wrong. So it is not wrong that he doesn’t call me everyday or want to take me out on dates. It is not wrong if he sleeping with or talking or going out with someone else? really?

So when he calls tomorrow morning which he will, I will not feel bad anymore because i probably won’t. I will feel happy to be called and if he asks if I’m ready to go to the laundry i will probably say yes. But I’m really confused because being the Ms Whatever girl means what in my situation?

I was laying in my bed imagining my heart so full of love that it was bursting and i feel like i put my love out there in my work everyday and the love comes back in various ways. And I was feeling all overwhelmed and tight in my throat because I imagined a love that was not like this one that I have with this guy, that the man or men were so in love with me that they would never stray in any way ever. I imagined different than the woman that I am now. The woman that is me right now is being neglected and untouched. The woman that I want to be would not allow one man to determine whether she is touched or not. The woman that is me right now is sitting home alone and feeling bad because the one man is not calling or dating her. The woman that I want to be is picking an outfit out of her closet and enjoying the company of as many men as she can fit in her schedule. I was watching the show What not to wear and there was a woman on there that the hosts kept saying was pretty and sexy and she said that she never associated herself with those words. During and after the makeover she began to see herself and started feeling better about who she was. She said that she had to stop comparing herself to everyone and just own her own beauty.

I’ve felt this way, as I have always said on this blog, feeling not pretty. But honestly ever since I hit 30, I find myself feeling pretty damn good about me, exactly where I am, overweight and all. I feel alot differently about me, most of the time, except in those minutes when my guy withdraws and I slip into feeling bad. But even in that, I just slip into my feelings real quick and then I do something that makes me feel cared for, like oil my scalp or take my vitamins or drink water, etc. So i feel in those ways I’m growing.

Back to my original question, how do we go about not making them wrong when he is not doing things that feel good to us?

I feel worried to post this but what I notice is that YOU ask him to spend time and adjust your plans hoping to see him…

This is leaning forward and so it feels awful when you feel rejected.

I know it’s probably hard to do this with him in the same house but please just ignore his schedule and do not ask him to spend time or expect to spend time with him …

He should have to fight for YOUR time… I know it seems like the man should make time when we ask him and sometimes a man will but asking him to spend time seems very lean forward…

if he was to cancel a date maybe you can cry/say… i feel awful and disappointed … i expected that we were spending time together and this feels bad…

except if you really take your focus off him it might not feel quite so bad… maybe you’ll be able to say

oh i feel so relieved you’re going out because i felt tired and wanted to take a bath anyway… bye!

and feel that way really…

i just feel a lot of pressure and holding on and controlling as far as spending time with him goes the way i hear it right now…

i feel bad hearing you feeling upset and feeling upset at yourself… please don’t make plans with charles anymore and let him beg for your time and express fury/upsetness clearly if he changes those plans…

and then go do something else more fun

it sounds like you are finidng lots of fun stuff to do which is great

btw helping with the mortgage sounds really interesting and awesome (i feel impressed) and also very lean forward… i know your intention is to help but it is really lean forward and Charles probably feels subconciously bad inside from your help… so that may lead to him not appreciating… we think they should appreciate our help but sometimes they don’t… especially when we’re actually leaning forward

please stop helping him and help you…

can you use the same incentive and drive you used to involve the governor/ political person in his mortgage to help YOU find a place to stay ??

PS – I feel worried about him pushing you. I would want to let him know that that doesn’t feel good, feels very scary and you DO NOT want to be pushed or feel threatened no matter what.