If He Wants To Be Friends – Get Your Energy Out Of There

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Have you ever pretended to the man who just turned you from a lover to a friend that you’re OKAY with that?

Here’s a comment from Mariah (here’s the whole comment->) – (I’m working with it here because I think it’s a universal situation that will help you, too):

“Rori, I wrote to you while back about a relationship I was in with a man that told me he just wanted to be friends after all. You told me to get my energy out of there and I did, we still talk sometimes and just few days ago he told me he had come to a conclusion that he wanted to invest in a relationship and he wants to have a family (even though he already has children). He also told me that he would be ok with a woman that already has children if all the right elements were there. I did not what to say, because I was not sure why he shared that with me….

I was speechless and told him that I hoped he would find what he is looking for. – that is my problem…. I keep lying, pretending, making it look it does not bother me and that I truly hope he finds happiness.

Rori, I can’t do this anymore, I feel bursting inside with the desire to tell him exactly how I feel and why in a very mature way. I feel to tell him that cuddling on the couch while watching TV makes me feel bonded to him, I feel to tell him that when he text messages me and end with ” I love you long time,” I feel to be with him. I feel to tell him the truth about how I feel, what I want and share all my emotions that I have been suppressing just to play it cool. Please tell me, what should I do here….. I need to start this new year in a different note and right now I feel to come out clean about all this with him.

Waiting anxiously for your tips on this one… thank you in advance!! Mariah”

Okay. This has happened to me so many times in my life (long ago, yes, but I remember them still, and when I remember them I flare up for a moment with remembered anger, humiliation and despair – and yes, I use all my Tools to USE those moments to make what’s going on in my marriage right now, for real, more powerfully wonderful – instead of letting those memories take hold of me and carry me further away from my man).

Something happens to us when a man we love drifts away and then says that he considers us a “friend.” A good, great, wonderful, friend. We are so wounded in that moment that we BELIEVE it’s OKAY.

We BELIEVE that either he’s not really saying what he’s saying, or that he’ll change his mind because he’s just scared of intimacy, or that WE’LL get over him fast and that we’ll WANT him in our life as a “friend.”

We focus all our energy on NOT LOSING HIM. Even though he’s now only a “friend.”

We feel a sense of loss so powerfully, that we put on our brakes and refuse to lose any more.

And this just wrecks us.

It’s us not willing to “give up.” And most often – “Giving Up” is the absolutely best thing we can do.

The best thing for ourselves – our self-esteem, self-respect, confidence and power; and the best thing for the potential of the relationship. If the relationship ever CAN return to the romance it once was – it’s Giving Up that gives you your best chance.

So when a man comes up with the “friends” line – however he says it – GET OUT OF THERE!

I mean this LITERALLY. Don’t smile, don’t say how you “love him as a person” and “of course you want him in your life,” don’t say you “need to think about it,” don’t share your pain with him….because – he is NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND.

Yes, this is pretty radical. Say “Oh. Well, you’re right, of course. Goodbye, then,” turn around and get yourself to your home, to your girlfriend’s home, to a dance class, the gym, the coffee house – just get out of there.

And yes – he will call you. He’ll try to “make nice.” He’ll try to do what he needs to do to feel better himself, and he’ll try to do what he needs to do to KEEP YOU in his LIFE.

Do not pick up the phone, do not return calls, do not return emails. Nothing. If you see him at work, smile and walk past.

If he should manage to get you on the phone, say “This doesn’t feel good, I ust don’t have the time for a man friend right now, I have to go…” and hang up the phone.

And do all this WITHOUT ANGER. Think about it. He’s done nothing wrong. He’s done nothing bad. He hasn’t (unless he’s a sociopath, and we’ll talk about that later) intentionally tried to hurt you. It just didn’t work out for him. He’s trying to “let you down easy,” and he really likes you as a person and as a woman and so he’s trying to keep you in his life.

If he hadn’t HAD to – because the relationship had come to the point where he had to – he would have tried his best to NOT say anything to you. He would have “strung you along” for as long as he could. And not because he’s “bad” and “awful” – but because he LIKES you – appreciates how you add to his life, and doesn’t want to LET YOU GO.

IF – and I say this very carefully – IF he’s going for friendship now because he simply can’t conceive of anything deeper right now with ANY WOMAN – and you feel totally tempted to wait him out, until he grows up – you are doing yourself a deep disservice.

The absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself is to take him at his word. Friends it is. Wave Goodbye to him and get yourself back on the market Circular Dating, and work through your distress with my Power & Self Esteem Tools until you realize what a huge favor he’s done you by telling you anything remotely truthful when it was important to you.

When you walk away, and get happy elsewhere – that’s when (IF it’s even possible for him to change his mind and all of a sudden feel romantic about a relationship with you) – he comes back.

And Mariah – he’s coming back now – but still only as a “friend” – and you are still unwilling to walk away. I totally identify with you, I know we all do…and here’s what you do:

1. Write a speech. It will say the truth. You don’t want to be his friend. Period. You’re not sure why he’s telling you about his love life, and you still care deeply for him and do not want to be his friend.

2. When he calls next, deliver your speech simply, so that you can experience yourself as telling the truth and feeling powerful because telling the truth is ALWAYS powerful.

3. Say Goodbye and hang up. Do not get into chatting, do not listen to him, do not ask questions, do not talk about your relationship, do not ACT like his friend. Do not revisit the breakup. Do not listen to his “feelings.” Say Goodbye and hang up.

4. Go do something very, very nice for yourself. Something from your Channeling List.

5. Get out there and DATE – work for YOURSELF, not to get HIM. As you do this – tell the truth and shift the focus – you’ll see – things will get better.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 10:47am

1: Maggie says:

This is such wonderful, empowering advice, Rori. We’ve all experienced this in our lives, and it’s so hard to know what to do, what to say… It’s hard to let go when he wants to talk and be your “friend” because you love him and you keep hoping something more will come of it. But you’re right. We’re doing ourselves a huge disservice when we let him keep hanging on with no real relationship in sight.

Thanks for being the voice of reason for all women!!

Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 11:54am

2: Mariah says:

Thank you Rori! I will have to wait a little as I feel angry and don’t want to pass it onto my speech. I do feel the need to tell the truth and move on to take care of me!! starting right now by not replying to his text he just sent me…..”how is my sweet pie?”…. well enough of that!!

I appreciate the time you invest to help us all!!

mariah

Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 12:14pm

3: Eris says:

Hi Rori!

Great blog. This is so true! Once the relationship is over – its O-V-E-R. No need to ask the “Can’t we be just
friends?” question. Mariah will find someone so much better as soon!

Love, Eris

Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 6:56pm

4: Daria says:

Hi… guess what today I riffed all on my own! I pretended I was writing it on here or would post it later and that really helped me not drift off into beating myself up!

I came to really cool realizations about myself and why and how at one point I came to associate feeling comfortable and loved with not sexually attracted! And I felt like I can now change that association ! Yay!

I feel very hopeful and full… ! I also realized that being alone doesn’t mean I have to feel lonely! Another association! Yay!

Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 11:39pm

5: alias girl says:

ah daria that is super awesome terrific news! thank you so much for sharing!!!

i had weird experience tonight. i had been getting calls from the tongue guy i went on a date with but since he doens’t have a phone allegedly and he kept calling from different numbers i just felt relieved bc there wasn’t an easy way to call him bck and so i just kept purposefully missing his calls.

finally he left a final one tonight. he said he knows what i think (i have no idea what he’s talking about) and he’s sorry he mislead me and he wishes he met me a few years earlier and that i really showed him a lot about himself and he was very glad to spend time with me bc he hadn’t felt that way in a very long time. and also he wouldn’t be calling me anymore.

so it was easy for me. and also very interesting. i don’t know what he thinks i figured out as he used those words. maybe that things just didn’t add up and he didn’t really treat me that respectfully. ?? maybe he is still with his baby’s mama? which i had pointedly asked him several times in different ways and he had said no.

it doesn’t matter really. all’s well that ends well. he got something great out of the evening and i got something great out of the evening. none of it was part of my faiirytale really. but that’s ok. i feel good. and i’m glad it was so easy. i feel like a super goddess that has alot to offer men? :0 that feels reallllyy good.

oh an i pushed ex #1 off my horse today and he’s still holding on to the horse being dragged along going huh? he thought i’d be like his ex and all up his but wanting to marry him. please. i’m sorry and you’re offering me what?

so i now have only one ex on my imaginary horse and i love him and for now i don’t really mind him being there because he helps me.and also we ride good together. so far he is not an extra burden.

i love my goddess self.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 12:10am

6: alias girl says:

although daria i am super curious how you are going to change the asscoiation with feeling loved and cared for equals not sexually attracted. are you going to share your secret how to change that? or is it too personal? i am curious.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 1:13am

7: Maria says:

This is indeed, empowering speech from Rory and l wish l had known these tools before. l met a man who become love of my life. Just to realize that he “wanted to be friends” and he of course “cared a lot” as he said, and he wanted to be “in touch” etc. It all was deeply tragic story, that ended with me being in hospital, cos l did not see any reason to live without him and l belived l was not worth love and not any man would ever love me. (Silly me) Such an unequal balance. Now l see l made right desicion of quitting any contact, even he wanted to be friends.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 2:16am

8: Bethany says:

On Sunday my guy said to me that he feels scared…and when I asked him what scares him about me, he said that he’s scared of signing his “name on the dotted line” and committing to the “wrong person.” He keeps saying oh wow I should go get work done…or something whenever we start fooling around, which has really backed off, and it feels bad for me. He said he doesn’t want the physical stuff to outweigh the emotional stuff. So, is he saying he just wants to be friends????? He says that I’m very attractive and that he loves hanging out with me and talking to me…okay, yes, I know that doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t love me. Of course he thinks I’m great, but he isn’t in love with me or he would say that, right? I feel disappointed and I have about four days to move in with my friend or leave here and move back to my parents’ home five hours away. I feel incredibly angry and sad and I can’t believe I let this happen to me again. I hate it. I don’t know if I’m in love with him, but I feel really attached and maybe the best thing is to run away and give myself a year at my parents’ house to figure out what I really want to do? I don’t know. I feel lonely and sad and confused and like I have no time to work this out. I feel like I’m going crazy and really devolving in my self-work because I EMAILED him tonight! oops! What if I can’t handle any more triggering and I break up with him and go? Does that mean that another crappy guy is going to show up in my life so that I have to work through it or is just seeing what’s going on enough? I don’t know. I also don’t feel great about living with this girl anymore. In the past couple of days things have shifted and she says things that seem slightly passive agressive to me. Kind of puts me down. If I leave is it all my fault and I should stay and work through it, and if I leave am I really running away or doing something nice for myself and going to where I can rest and regroup my life and give myself time to breathe without relationship drama? This has been the hardest four months of my life. I feel so confronted with all my fears. I guess whatever I decide I need to speak to him about my feelings. I don’t know how to do that. I have been away from this blog walking around trying to understand how I feel but now I just want to let it out. I am crying now. I feel so sad. I don’t understand and I never will. I feel scared to let him go. I feel scared of the pain of that. I feel scared of failing again. I feel like I want to be alone and free, where I can get some small job and be at home but what if? What if I get stuck? Why won’t this state let me go? I feel so scared and confused. I don’t know what to do. I just feel awful. I want to know what to do. I want my body to tell me the right answer. Everytime he texts me or calls I tense up. Is that bad? I don’t know. Everytime I think of going home I relax. Is that good? I don’t know. What if I run away and I never know what could have been if I stayed? But would it be good for me to just stay in this tiny town and put my life on hold for even one month? No. That wouldn’t feel good.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 2:46am

9: Caj13 says:

Bethany, Power and love and inner strength to you! Already in you, actually. Your body IS telling what you need to know: tensing up when he calls? that feels bad, it’s the truth, so if you feel like going silent, backing off, getting angry or WHATEVER, that’s the ‘right’ response. You’re having misgivings about moving in with that girl? Fantastic – that’s the best information you can get about that decision. (Moving – for good, bad or indifferent reasons – is one of life’s biggest stresses, so listening to your feelings about it is really the most rational thing to do.) Don’t beat yourself up with negative labels about your choices. We’re not boy scouts and don’t have to put up with all this “should” crap that we internalized from OTHER people about OTHER situations – “stick it out, face up, don’t step on toes, be nice, you can take it, running away will get you nowhere (running away can save your life! that’s why we have fear in the first place), think about your future (yeh, why not buy a cemetery concession while we’re at it!)”. We’re grown women with the most valid concerns possible for our own well-being. And ANY decision you make, ANY action you take is NOT SIGNING IN BLOOD. You can change your mind, tweak it, forsake it, forgive yourself for it, etc ad infinitem. Allowing yourself to accept your feeling and follow it in the direction it seems to be nudging you is what starts all the other possibilities showing up, which will then help you tailor your advance to suit.

About all these “What ifs..”? They feel like “If only’s..” of the future. That’s the language of our Downer Voices. Tell them they can go write a sci-fi in the corner, but you’re too occupied with self-care to edit them right now.

Remember we cannot be our best nor do our best by others, if we can’t even be good to ourselves. FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, and if that’s not clear enough, you’ll find it by sticking to your comfort zone.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 6:22am

10: Rori Raye says:

Daria – Fantastic! so glad you feel good. Even a MOMENT of feeling good retrains your mind, heart and body – just keep building those moments, string them together. You can DO this! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 12:27pm

11: Karen Roche says:

CAJ13
Very well said!!! BRAVO… I am taking notes…..
thanks for your thoughts….

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 2:44pm

12: Daria says:

I don’t know “how” exactly to explain that I am disassociating. In the middle of my riff when I realized the association it kind of untangled itself right there. It’s like I realized that it Doesn’t Have to be that way! It was a belief I made and I saw that it just wasn’t true! It kind of dissassociated on its own…

I now realize that I CAN have a guy that I feel loved and comfortable AND sexually attracted to! YAY! They do NOT HAVE to be polar opposites, and that was just a false association. So now that I see that it just doesn’t bother me anymore… in fact it’s kind of cool and I feel cool for figuring it out!

Thank you Rori for your encouragement!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 4:03pm

13: Linda says:

It seeams that I am vainly searching for an answer to my hearts cry and and putting an end to the pain I cant shake. I have posted in lots of topics in the blog lately. I feel like a pendelum on a clock. I swing back and forth, read something and try that.. get my feet under me and then am ok for a bit then before long I am right back where I started and nothing seems to help for long. I

The man I loved with all my heart, left me..strung me along before that. Giving me all kinds of reasons for his distance. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but, offered understanding.. etc… but the bottom line is he stopped ALLOWING himself to be emotionally available to me. He began investing himself with another woman HE contacted online. There have two others that I know of. At one time he was so emotionally engaged with me..that is was unbelievable. He initiated our romance, pursued me love me in ways that I did not know a man would offer a woman. Almost a too good to be true kind of relationship. As far as him doing me a favor being “honest” with me, well maybe but all I feel is betrayed and hurt. He never approached me as a “casual friend” canidate in his life therefore I never considered myself as one. Nor am I willing to be. That is a moot point because we do not even communicate, so as far as being loved as a dear friend is not even an issue. Perhaps that is a blessing but if I was given the chance I would not have a problem telling him just exactly where I am and how I feel.

I have kicked him off my beautiful horse…but I seem to keep am investing energy in him even though I dont want to. I dont know how to make it stick for good. My dissapointment with how things are is like a big black barrel of grief. The reality of all of this is that rejection and the betrayal I feel is a huge bitter pill to swallow. It is like it is stuck in my throat and try as I may iI cant seem to get it down.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 5:37pm

14: Becca says:

Im not sure what I think or feel anymore. I feel happy and joyful and excited and wary and lonely and sad and cautious and a little frustrated all at the same time. I feel like I know what I want on moment then I don’t the next. I feel terrified and excited to be moving interstate soon. I feel happy and sad and confused. My ex invited me out again on the weekend, both Friday and Saturday night. I was busy on Friday night but ended up spending Saturday night with him. It was his birthday on Sunday and he had rented a place to stay Saturday night and was going to have friends come and stay with him there but he cancelled that and invited me instead. He said I was the only one he wanted to see… he is having problems with his friends at the moment. I tried to use some feeling messages and it was nice. We watched dvd’s and he even let me choose… and I chose the Notebook and he sat and watched it with me (he would never have watched this kind of movie in the past) and we joked around and had some pillow fights. It felt fun Then later after the movies we were talking late at night and even kissing a bit and he admitted to me that he made a mistake breaking up with me and that he wants me forever this time. But neither of us knows what to do now about this as I am moving for a year anyway. And then he says… do you want me to wait for you to come back and I said that I don’t know what to do and we agreed to think about it. But now it seems that he has pulled back a little and I feel scared that he just spoke in the moment and doens’t mean it (though I really want him to and want to be with him). I feel my old fears and controlling ways creeping back up on me and I don’t want that again. I want to hold on to this better self that loves herself. I want to only give back… like on the weekend… but I feel scared that he won’t step up and I’ll have to move on. This would make me feel sad. I just don’t know what to do… I want to take this job, and have, and am, as I’m not sacrificing what is right and best for me for ANY guy anymore… but I want him too as I still love him. I am now just telling myself that if he meant what he said he will step up and show me with action…
I feel tension in my jaw and fuzziness and confusion in my head. I feel unsure and I love all these feelings, especially my fuzzi head as it is telling me to let go and sink into my feelings and feel and love them and me. It is telling me that I think too much and that the more I think the less I solve these problems and that things will work out all right as I BELIEVE that they will. As long as I love MYSELF and always chose actions that align with my feelings and what is best for me. And at the moment my feelings are telling me that moving will be a great adventure and I will feel independent and while it may be lonely sometimes I feel like I need to do this… I do not want to regret not taking this chance with my career. My feelings tell me that I love my ex but that no matter what happens I will always love and be loved. My feelings tell me that if he loves me too, then we can find a way to make this work even if it is long distance for a year until I move back. And my feelings tell me at this moment that I believe and love myself and no one’s opinion matters unless I allow it to matter as it is my world.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008 @ 7:34pm

15: Maria says:

Linda, my heart goes out so much for you, as l have faced almost similar as you (difrence was, that he wanted to stay friends, which was complete nono for me) however, if l think back of the whole situation, l remember l had some deep doubts berried somewhere in me, instinct, that told me l could get burned. Did you feel any wanings whatsoever? There must have been something in the very beginning…l did not listen to mine and it got me back hard. Proudly l survived, l must say, and thanks for Rory l have found quidance.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 2:23am

16: Linda says:

MARIA

Thanks for you concerns. I absolutely did not have one doubt. No ignored burried red flags. That makes it even harder to swallow. We lived together, did everything together.. he never hid his phone (like some do) etc. I see some things now but I had nothing to cause me any doubts until he began distancing himself. No matter what I tried, things I learned here and elsewhere nothing worked for long. Leaning back, body language, being playful, sexy, caring, got no long term results.

Moving on to find what I am looking for but struggling with the emotions is a hard thing.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 4:51am

17: Maria says:

Hi Linda, l think for you it is better to slowly start to refocus yourself from him(or at least try step by step). l know it is harder to do than tell, but the thing is – if you keep circleing yourself about unanswered questions, you keep holding yourself under stress of this case. It takes time, but pays off later. Trust me. This is how it works for me: yes the pain is still in my spirit, but l have decided to cut of the junk and save my beautiful head from extra work of figuring “out past with him”. it helps to get better. There are lots of stuff l do, that has helped, if u want to know l might tell.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 5:35am

18: Caj13 says:

Becca – Yes, thinking about what to DO will hold you back. In these questions of the heart, the intellect will just never have all the pieces it needs. Maybe saying you’d think about it made it feel to him like a problem to solve, and that just holds no attraction when you’re telling someone you still love them. How about telling him your feelings in the same you did for us? Something along the lines of “I still feel really strongly for you, too, and hearing you goes straight to my heart. It feels so good when we are together, and I don’t want to tell you what to do. I feel so touched just when we talk, and I feel I’d like to continue hearing your voice.” Does this sound true and encouraging, without making you commit ? (If you agreed to him waiting, you’d feel responsible for what happens to him and maybe hesitant to take advantage of your new situation, so I think you did well not to fall into that trap). The commitment is for him to propose unconditionally to you, and do the logistics to prove it. A year and long distances are not insurmountable when you really want something.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 5:44am

19: Cassandra says:

Bethany…I wish that I could give you a huge hug! Sweetie,you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this boy is capable of giving. Of course I don’t know him but from what you have shared he is simply not able and I don’t want you to miss out on an amazing love. Just keep working thru things here and it will become clear for you. Daria….I am THRILLED for you girl! YAYAY!!! Please do something for YOU to celebrate this breakthrough! If I were there with you, I would take you shopping and we would have a girls night out! Becca….I totally agree with Caj13 (a very wise and awesome Goddess!!). It is up to HIM to commit to you not the other way around and if he truly wants you forever this time then let him DO something to SHOW you that! Please do not give up anything for this man or any other – it us to THEM to show us with actions that they want us for the happily ever after!

Sometimes I struggle with wondering about my future with Charles in that I do feel as though he is not only my ‘fiance’ but my best friend BUT then again my best girlfriend (who is in the city where I moved here from) was going to take action to be there with me tomorrow during my surgery but Charles…. being in the same city and the same house won’t even be there for me. His siter-in-law is taking me to the hospital at 4:45am and the wife of a couple that we hang out with alot is coming to meet me in the recovery room around 9:30ish…once I am coherent. Charles will be here at home on the laptop looking for loads/ work. Part of me understands that as far as the work thing goes but then again most of me does not….so IS he REALLY a friend? I am not sure.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 9:06am

20: Becca says:

Thank you so much Caj13 and dear Cassandra… I hope all goes well for you.
Caj13 I LOVE how you put this: “I still feel really strongly for you, too, and hearing you goes straight to my heart. It feels so good when we are together, and I don’t want to tell you what to do. I feel so touched just when we talk, and I feel I’d like to continue hearing your voice.” You are so right about me thinking too much about this. I need to move from my head back into my body and heart and go with my feelings. I have been having so much trouble sorting out my feelings lately and what to say to him. But maybe I don’t need to SORT them out, only feel them, say what I feel and move on. Feeling messages are getting a bit easier but they are not yet flowing as I want them to. Especially when I am thinking on the spot or with him. I feel so scared about saying the wrong thing and losing him and I know I should not feel like this… and I guess I don’t even have him anyway when it comes to that

I feel impatient and frustrated today. I spoke to my ex yesterday but it was me initiating both times… once text conversation, and once IM (I could see him online for like 20 mins and he didn’t initiate so I did) and we had silly fun conversations but I feel like I shouldn’t have initiated now. It is leaning forward and I need to lean back, it is just so hard sometimes when I used to do this with him when we were together… but more (overfunctioning). At the end of our last conversation I said that maybe he should give me a call to hang out sometime and he said maybe you should call me. Does this mean that he is coming from feminine energy? I do not want him to… how do I tell him that I need him to step up and pursue me… I guess I can’t, right? I just need to lean waaaaay back and he will either step up or he won’t and I will have to move on. He was so good last weekend… he picked me up from my place, got us pizza for dinner, watched the movies I chose, and even carried me to my bed when I said I was too tired to move. We talked and hugged and kissed and it felt so good to be close to him… and now I feel so confused I feel like screaming because it feels like it is back to him not being like that anymore. Even last week he was texting me more than this week and initiating a little more (IM and texts). I want him out of my head! I feel attached to him and feel like he is drifting away from me again… I feel myself having expectations even though we are still ex’s and not together at all and I know thinking and feeling like this will push him away and I don’t want to do that. I know that I cannot beat myself up… I just need to see this as learning and as a mistake and move on and change my behaviour… it is so difficult sometimes though! I am used to going after what I want (jobs, activities, etc) and leaning back is feeling especially difficult these last couple of days. I feel like I am so close yet so far away and I feel my patience slipping away. I feel like I have been patient for so long and when I got the feeling that was good on the weekend in spending time with him I fell apart in a way and lost some of my resolve to lean back. But I will lean back now and TRY not to think of him, though it is soo hard not to. I am already busy with plans with friends and even a guy for this weekend so I will enjoy and try not to think about him and HE can CHASE me if he wants to spend time with me and really feels the way he confessed on the weekend. I feel my old fears and worries and desperation that maybe he doesn’t like me enough slipping back in and I want to banish them for good. Thank you all for listening to my fears and helping me to conquer them. I will be strong with your help. I will shower myself with love from my love fountain and he can COME to me if he wants to get my love spray from my fountain. I will be Rori’s love pond… I will nurture the life inside me and he can flow his love in to me so that my life and love can GROW. I will let my water wheel shower me with his love and my love and if I FEEL like it I will give him a little love back. I will dance to Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown and other singers that sing of loving and cherishing and wanting and needing special women and my love will swirl around me and hug me and if he wants my love he will have to come closer and get it… and then only maybe will I give him some. I will release my frustrations and impatience and icky yucky feelings by letting them drift out of my mind and body like letting a caged bird go. It will feel scary and bittersweet and free to let go of these awful feelings that I hold so close. I don’t want them close… I want to set them free, like the bird that has been caged and is dying. When I set myself free I will stop dying inside and I will soar among the clouds and the flowers and all the other birds up there in the sunny sky. I will feel the sweet fresh air against my cheek and under my wings and I will feel light as a feather… drifting on the breeze wherever I wish to go. I will only need myself. I will play and laugh and love and sing a song of freedom and love. I will give myself a huge hug and hold myself like I am the safest most comfortable, sexiest, beautiful person in the world and everyone will envy that I am hugging me and want to be there hugging me too. Especially him. And all other guys. I will be a magnet that will draw them all in… even if they try to resist my magnetic pull they can as I am so serene and beautiful and desirable sitting on that island beach that they will cross oceans just to be with me. And then I can have ANY man and I can CHOOSE and he will have to fight for my love and treat me the way I want. He will respect me, and love and cherish and adore me and take me out for dinner and walks on the beach and minigolf and camping and exploring and he will buy me a ring and a house and do ANYTHING for me, as I am the most important thing in the world to him and all these other men and only then will I THINK about choosing him when I am feeling wonderful and happy and good. So even though I feel icky and desperate and impatient now… it has faded a bit as I imagine all these things, and that it is a privilege for him to be with me, not the other way around.
I feel a bit better now Love hugs to all you wonderful beautiful ladies! I feel so happy and glad that I have this blog to turn to when all those yucky feelings try to take me over. And while they are still there inside me I am working at setting them free like that poor lonely little caged bird.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 4:18pm

21: Becca says:

With all this thinking and feeling and wanting and analysing I feel like I am working way too hard sometimes… shouldn’t life feel effortless? If so, why am I feeling so stressed out, worn out and worried lately? I want to stop all this and just BE. And BE right, and good, and the way things should be. Things used to be effortless with him… 3 years ago… now they feel so confusing and complicated and frustrating and I want it all to go away. And it did feel almost effortless on the weekend with him, though sometimes I couldn’t find the words to express what I wanted to say… I think very very slowly maybe I am getting to where I want to be. I want him to contact me, and I feel anxious and worried that he won’t… I need to let go of EVERYTHING, but can’t seem to at the moment.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008 @ 7:04pm

22: Tina Tobin says:

I couldn’t agree more that the whole “friends” pitch is a farce. You have to make a clean break from these men because a piece of your heart keeps you from moving on when you maintain these so-called friendships.

I also think men that suggest “friendship” know they are stringing the woman along. What they’re really saying is “I don’t want a relationship with you now but I’d like to keep you on the back burner in case my plans without you don’t pan out.” Mariah and all women are too good to settle for being anyone’s back-up plan!

Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 7:14am

23: Linda says:

Maria

Do tell, I am interested in know. I have been feeling better the last couple of days how I do now know but I will take it.

Tina… the friend ship this is exactly what you said.. I could not agree more with you too.! I want to be first choice and a back up plan.

Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 12:09pm

24: alias girl says:

no i don’t want to be your friend. and no you can’t just ride on my horse. no.

that was my conversation today. over and over again just repeating the same message.

sorry. my answer is still a firm and resounding no. absolutely not.

obviously i phrased it in feeling messages and i don’t wants. i had my big cry last night. so i was completey on point for today’s dance. my emotions had already had their big todo so they didn’t need to come out in bitchiness or anger or sorrow or any of it. i didn’t use the word hurt. (yae bc i almost did. thank you caj 13 for that one.)

clarity. dignity. self_respect. boundaries. letting go of results. i feel ok about the outcome. nobody’s wrong. we just don’t seem to want the same things.

i guess it’s back to cuteguyville and circular dating.

Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 6:15pm

25: Reshi says:

Becca, WOW! Your wonderful fountain/pond/dancing/love imagery swept me up into this wonderful, flowing, juicy, turned-on place–right in the middle of the workday–and if you can do that to a girl, Goddess knows what you’re capable of with a man.

I’m so excited–amazing change is in the air for all of us, I can feel it!

Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 9:14pm

26: alias girl says:

i feel exciting change in the air as well. it feels good!

omg. i feel like i had an emotional workout today. just blam blam blam the never ending conversation of me not wanting to be friends and not wanting etc and felling this and feeling that. serious practice today. in some ways it feels good bc we are more honest with each other the longer we know each other. but phew. he Triggers me. (who doesn’t ?) but bc i care about him/us whatever i feel more triggereed.

anyway i cut him loose. then he called me later (?!) and i took the call and it was good. i was a little bit edgy and not great with the feeling messages and i could hear my man side tlaking then awareness and trying to get back to feeling messages. certainly was very far from the ideaal way to display proficient use of rori’s tools.

phew. i feel like i just moved up a tier on godess scale or something.

what i realized (i just remebered this was my initial point i actually wanted to write and no surprise i almost forgot about it. )bottom line is that intimacy feels really intense and scary to me. like some advanced ski slope. there were a few moments of true intimate honest connection and i was just like whoa. i don’t know what to do with this.i can see why i pick the men i do and why i have the problems i do with relationships. i am comfortable with the same old drama. even if it is painful and not what i truly want i am comfortable with it and it does not feel so weird/awkward/risky.

anyway. i feel grateful for all of you. xoxo.

Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 9:50pm

27: alias girl says:

oh an i realize rori’s post said not to take call/email etc but it was right for me in this circumstance. we did not make plans to speak again. maybe in the future was how we left it. maybe. one never really knows the end of the tale til it’s the end.

anyway i am practicing letting the cute guys stay in my field of vision and seeing them as possibilities. it makes the whole idea of circular dating sooooooo much more appealing.

Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 9:55pm

28: Mocha says:

I just have to say that I am now praticing this method with my uncertain man. As of two months ago, I gave my feeling speech and have not called, texted, or emailed since then. He still emails a joke email monthly in fact I received it yesterday. Yes I respond to them because I don’t believe in the ignoring method. Why should I have to play games -You are reaching out for a reason. I realize that his reaching oout is a gauging method how long it’s goingto last only him and God knows – but I don’t play into it – I resspond and that’s it – no “how are you? What’s new?” – NOTHING Yes it should be a part of my plan but I feel that I am mature enough to sidestep all the nonsense and I have. my response to his emails are either lol or ha ha -that’s it! I realize that for what ever reason he wants me to be in his life but when I gave my feeling speech as well as a I don’t want to be friends – he would get the message. So since October I have fallen so far back I’m in an abyss-smile. I only respond as previously stated.

However, today he had the nerve to call and ask me for a ride to the train station because his company is having their holiday party. My saving grace was that I was already at work and could not give him a ride. But honestly, if I was still home I would have told him that I didn’t feel that I would be able to do so. I’m angry because how in the world do you call me ouot of the blue – we haven’t seen each other since October and we’ve been in this uncertain period since Nov 2007 – and think it’s OK to ask for a favor let alone a favor that requires me to be in your presence for 45 minutes?? It amazes me how he won’t let go! I really have let go as I said since October. I DO NOT REACH OUT IN ANY WAY!!!! I have given him his space to work thorugh his feelings and thoughts. He is very aware that the only conversation I want to have is if we are going to be mature adults and have a mature healthy realtionship that is exclusive and going somewhere; other than that we don’t need to be in contact and get a clue if I don’t reach out to you! Step up as stated in the “From an Man” blog or KIM – Keep it Movin!

Friday, 19 December 2008 @ 10:41am

29: Maria says:

Dearest Linda. l am very glad you asked. And ld like to tell you how it has worked for me.
To sum it up in one sentence – l started to act exactly my opposite. Let me tell you. When my terrible break up took place with a man who l truly loved, it was the culmination of my whole love life situation. l will save pages here not to describe it all, but basicly l was full of hate, anger, desperation, no hope, etc etc, and l still am – feeling some things, but l have noticed some magic keys, that has turned my life better, (thanx to our great messenger of Love, Rory) and as Rory always says – “as x can do it, so can you” and belive, Linda, l have been the worst case.

Here are all the OPPOSITES l have been doing from step by step:

-curcular dating. Hard to say, harder to do. l have been always a little bit shy and not feeling very sexy and hot about myself and never truly considered myself to be the one who can be THE ONE to a man. l never imagined myself going to CD-s ever, cos l thought noone would want me anyway, so l did exactly the opposite – l went to dating sites.

-not trying to figure him out and taking it easy. l call it actually one of my favourite breakthrough, cos it had given me nice results. Cos you see, this has been the most painful point in my love life so far in past trying to figure him out, like:

-why does not he call, text,
-does he love me
-why he did it
-what if he leaves me
-why is he late
-will he marry me
-why does not he care more
-what if he is with other woman
-how should l keep attracting him
-what if he is cheating, indeed he is cheating!
-what if he uses me
-what do l have to do more to make him love me etc.
-what SHOULD I DO???

And Linda, those thoughts has paralyzing effect. you cant have piece in mind, cos they run around your head. So when my next date showed up, instead of figuring out, why he had not done the job, l did exactly the opposite – l STOPPED. cos l found a better way, which created much better shift! Example: he promised he will call back and he didnt. He showed very big interest at first and then it kind of slowed down and multimillion other things that would have caused me pain before. And quess what happened:) l decided to do the opposite and not even care and react! So he started to wonder and whenever he came around l was polite and not angry. And it suddenly made me feel so easy inside. Quess what else – the bonus of that – when he showed up, he treated me very nice! ( l dont mind Perfume as a present or flowers, or candies, just to make me feel good ) l feel good, he feels suprised lm not nagging and arguing, and whenever l feel bad l make politely my way home.
-being LAZY. Ohh , l really like it, and l will mark it in capital letters. Look, if you have been overfunctioning, always putting others first, and not only that, l have always worried and tried to WORK things out with man, trying to dig inside his mind, even in early stages, you know what l mean. And now l started to do exactly the opposite. l stopped the extra work, and litterally becoming lazy. Example. in one dating site there was this extra hot guy, who caught my attention. l wrote him a letter, and gave him my personal email. He said: yeah, l might write you back sometimes. My old self would have run through hoops to make it or beak it, my new self decided not to worry and forget about him any further:)
-extra time for you, only. it has made me really angry whenever someone said in past that just dont worry about him, do what you really like. And now, l have realized the meaning of taking care of yourself. You might feel that the world has no meaning when he is not in the picture and you might feel like you do not want to do anything. thats what l felt – so l did the opposite. l started with myself. and with that l truly mean, MYSELF. l mean you can go to yoga class and ceramic class, but MYSELF means, you either try new hair and make up, something tat you do to yourself, then you radiate the world with your beauty and you have more changes that this hot guy in yoga class will notice you. Start with yourself and then start what u do.
-being brave and bold and not overinvesting. Ok thats the last one. See l have always had problems with opening up and showing him what l want or need, cos l have been taught it is not polite and we, girls, should be nice, yet l was always the one who gave more without receiving. And l become to act exactly the opposite.
Linda, my point is – you soon realize, how your feelings transform into much better place, cos you start to refocus yourself into you and that is the most wonder. Yes, the man who broke my heart is there and honestly – l havent got rid of the hate inside of what he did (l predict l wil hate him another 2 more years:). And l dont want to give him a credit of giving me a lesson. NO. But those feelings are with you and they are there but you soon see, that life can be fun with it ups and downs.

Saturday, 20 December 2008 @ 3:19pm

30: Maria says:

Oh one more thing Linda. l have created me an image of a man of my dreams. l dont know how l will get there, and somewhat my self esteem thinks that l dont deserve the image l have created, but you cant stop a girl from dreaming, now can you:)
l must say – l have my bad days, desperate moments, low points as we all do, but l go with baby steps. cos l need so much to be loved and cared truly. so do you.

Saturday, 20 December 2008 @ 3:25pm

31: alias girl says:

brava maria! thanks for that comment. i loved reading about all your shifts in behavior. i esp loved the bing lazy one. i can still feel myself overfunctioning in the wanting to be charming dept. twilring in my new skirt ofr daddy to notice kind of thing. it is so not attractive. i love my neediness. i love my not feeling i am enough so i need to overcompensate to make him like me to make him want to stay to make him love me. ick. i love my ick regressed little girl who hasn’t healed her daddy issues yet. i love that i still get all bunched up if a man says he’ll call and doesn’t. i honestly can’t tolerate it. if a man does that i bascially just push him out the window in my mind and honestly can’t reconcile myself with it for weeks or month. so he is literally out in the cold with me for a long time until when and if i feel like letting him near me again. and all guys do this as a test it seems and i don’t care. it’s my test right back. after i express my feelings and don’t wants and it happens again (and maybe even again) i’m done. i feel bad. i don’t want to be around someone i have no respect for or trust for.

big trigger issue for me. i can’t seem to let it go. it triggers me trust issues and it seems a sign to me that they will not care for me respect me or caare for my feelings. i am triggered just writing about it!

i feel good that i pushed those men off my horse. i feel positive i can find someone who is kind and respectful and cares for my feelings. i don’t need to settle for a man who purposefully continues to push my buttons. purposefully being key word.

yes i am definitely being triggered just thinking about it.

Saturday, 20 December 2008 @ 7:20pm

32: Maria says:

Alias Girl, l think you are doing very great, cos you are aware of whats going on of your triggers and you pay attention etc. You see, the things, my OPPOSSITES is that l reached the point, where it was matter of life and death but l wanted to live. You have to pay attention to the feelings and triggers. l have had oh, so many triggers, but l become to notice that it leads me nowhere. l can paint you a very nice image here and dont laugh now cos comparison is pretty funny. Have you seen a little cocodile baby making his way out of an egg…in one of those documentaries. you think it is soooo cute looking at this little thing and you dont mind having him in your bathroom, cos he keeps being sooo cute. Although you know it is a little crocodile, you cant help but keeping him in your bathroom. When you take him into your hand, you see how cute and sweet and harmless he is, and you wonder about people, who say crocodiles are dangerous… But soon you notice that teeth becoming to grown and croco becoming longer and bigger. But he is already in your head and in your bathroom and you ignore it….l skip the desbription here cos the end of the story is that crocodil has becoming a huge monster, making your sweet batroom messed up with water, eats all your soaps, perfumes and shampoo, bites you and not only that – demands some service from you!!! (not to mention water bills, cos he likes to explode your bath, filled with water and you need to take a shower asking permission from your neighbour).

See l think the trigger feeling is still the same, but when you know where to put it in a very beginning, it does not harm you, it does not harm you at all. Crocos are nice in wild and your bathroom should be nice and comfy.

What l did – l just tried to change my behaviour and worry less. Not being lazy means extra work, but if work does not give me profit, why should l?

Sunday, 21 December 2008 @ 5:18am

33: Jem says:

Mocha, I’ve been told by some of my girlfriends that I am the guy in a relationship. Not all the time, LoL. From a guys’ stand point the reason your guy called you up and asked for a ride is because he still thinks your a friend. The reason is you do respond to his emails even if it’s only a joke. It sends him the message he still has an “in” to your life. Plus, don’t answer ANY calls until he leaves a message, “I need to talk to you” indicating he is now ready for more. In the meantime move on…take care of you. I don’t want you to get hurt again.

Monday, 19 January 2009 @ 8:19pm

34: Sandra says:

Rori,
I have your Commitment Blueprint, and I’m working on the steps. In the midst of changing myself and picturing my man leading me across the bridge to the relationship I desire; he tells me he doesn’t want to lose my friendship. Ever. Then he reveals he is seeing someone else. Becoming exclusive with them.
I had been living in the imaginary relationship. Taking the crumbs of good and ignoring the bad. I changed. Stopped contacting him. Stopped being sweet to him. Started seeing other guys. Told him I had friends and I didn’t need him, a guy friend. Completely cut off contact. I’m even trying to see him as a “Muse” who is guiding me and helping me.
However, part of me wants to fall into old patterns. I want to tell him how I feel, in the hopes that it will enlighten him and he will realize he cares for me, too. I want to accept the “just friends” relationship because I believe the relationship he is in will fail and I want to be near by when it does. It physically hurt, how much I missed him. I was finding my purpose and dating and being busy but he was in my mind.
So, I emailed him. I said “I miss you.”
He said, ” as you should”, and now I’ve asked him if we could talk.
So, Rori, what have I done? What do I do? I want to be honest and tell him how I feel, and still practice all the steps to finding the relationship I want. But, I also want to have him in my life. I miss him. The relationship was not what I wanted but it was something. From the moment I met him I feel like he is the one for me. We clicked like I’ve never clicked with a man before. Do I tell him that I wanted more, and if he can’t give it I accept him and move on? Or do I keep it to myself and keep working on me, and wait to see if he comes back around?
Your Commitment Blueprint is wonderful and I will continue to follow the advice. I’ve downloaded Christian Carter’s information in the past, as well. Thank you so much for your guidance, thus far.
I feel confident.
Sandra

Monday, 26 January 2009 @ 10:55am

35: Becky says:

Rory,
All of your advice is soooo good and I love to read it, it is so addicting. I have to say though that I need help with this topic. I have had the same thing happen to me and I did all the right things to help myself move on but then I messed up by asking my ex what he really wanted out of this breakup. I guess we never really discussed it so I am confused as to what it’s all about. He says he doesn’t feel like he wants a relationship with me right now and that he is so overly stressed with school. He says he’s not sure if he is in love with me anymore and can’t support a relationship right now because school takes up all his time. Am I messing things up for myself? What do I do? I have broken up with him a few years ago and was determined to move on becasuse I wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship with him and he still came over to see my family so I saw him all the time and we became close friends and began to date again. I was hoping that this was sort of like that but I’m not sure it is. Can you help me out?
Thanks soooo mucj!!!!

Wednesday, 25 February 2009 @ 6:16pm

36: Rori Raye says:

Becky, Welcome – and I know the wonderful women here will share what works best for them, and that will help you enormously -and I’ll be specific about what to do: I want you to let him go, get out and Circular Date, and don’t talk to him at all. No contact. You have time to become friends much later on, and if he grows up in the meantime, he’ll be knocking at your door. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 25 February 2009 @ 9:41pm

37: Robin says:

Rori,
Your work is so inspirational-thank you!
Well, I’ve been reading the blogs for guidance, and feel like I may have made a mistake. I was involved w/ someone I work with ( we are both paid musicians at church, I’m a singer, he’s a pianist). We have to see each other every Saturday and Sunday b/c of this.

Recently, he started dating someone, bringing her around. I backed way off, left the room, walked away if she started coming close by. I simply refuse to compete w/ another woman. One night we were supposed to rehearse, he asked if I would like to eat, we were eating appetizers, and this woman he’s seeing showed up w/ an overnight bag. I told him ” This feels bad, I don’t want to be here, and I feel like leaving.” We rehearsed to song we had to perform the next day 1 time, and I IMMEDIATELY left.

Well, he noticed this and Sunday after church, asked if I would have lunch with him. I had a free hour & I accepted. During the lunch he started talking about how he loves the woman I’m becoming, and how dear of a ‘friend’ I am. I just listened. Maybe I should have left at that moment?

He started trying to talk about what he loves about this woman he’s seeing, and I said “I don’t feel comfortable talking about women w/ you. It feels really crumby.” And he said the only reason he was bringing it up was b/c I have seen him w/ different women (true) and that no matter who he was dating, his respeact and admiration for me would never change. I said thank you, and we had a nice lunch, he kept bringing up how different I am from when he first met me. When it was time for me to leave, I got up and walked out.

Well, maybe, I should have left when he first started talking about how deear of a ‘friend’ I am? Also, we are next to each other during the services, so how does it work then? Do I tell him how my life is going when he asks ( I never offer that up), or do I just give short 1 word answers? How do I pull that off without closing him out? I want to remain open and vulnerable when he’s in front of me, but if I don’t want him as a friend ( which I don’t), how do I accomplish this while still being warm and open?

Any thoguths or suggestions would be very helpful.
Thank you!

Monday, 6 April 2009 @ 8:04am

38: Rori Raye says:

Robin, Wow. You are doing brilliantly. Just brilliantly. And it’s drawing him in. I don’t know if anything will happen with him – the only thing YOU must do now is DATE. Please Circular Date, bring your dates to church with you – feel about this man as much as you can that he’s only a friend to YOU.

This is “rock star” time, where you hang with a man professionally who you once were involved with. You can do this. Your work is important. You have to be there for the work. But, you don’t have to be there for the “friendship” he wants – and you’re doing brilliantly there.

There is no right or wrong about the lunch – just try to do what feels best to you. If you don’t feel good, get up and leave – just say, as you have been, what you feel and stay away when it feels bad. You’re taking care of yourself – and the result is that every man will be attracted to you. Let all that happen and see where it takes you with OTHER men.

Monday, 6 April 2009 @ 2:24pm

39: Robin says:

Rori,

Thank you so much for your encouragement!

Could you elaborate, please, on the ‘rock star’ concept? Is this the physical manifestation of having the mindset that he is only a friend to ME?

I’m starting to understand…it feels just a little fuzzy to me at the moment. I will definitely continue working on it.

Thank you!

Tuesday, 7 April 2009 @ 10:48am

40: susan says:

Please help. I have fallen into the friends trap. He ended a long term relationship and was going through a depressed period at the time. He behaved appallingly towards me during the break-up.

I feel no anger, just a deep heart-breaking sadness. He has called me several times since then. When he feels he is getting close to me he retreats because he feels “weak”. I love him so much, and feel desperate to retain contact, even if it is in the form of crumbs.

I feel that time is running out, please help.

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 3:57am

41: Jem says:

Quote from Rori
“Do not pick up the phone, do not return calls, do not return emails. Nothing. If you see him at work, smile and walk past.

If he should manage to get you on the phone, say “This doesn’t feel good, I ust don’t have the time for a man friend right now, I have to go…” and hang up the phone.”

You have to do this…or you will always be the friend. Good luck, when you want to talk to him call a close girlfriend.

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 5:32am

42: susan says:

Thanks Jem.
I feel weak though. I feel like a junkie who needs the contact. I feel this is forcing him into an ultimatum, and will provoke a reaction that I don’t want (i.e. pushing him away).
How can one stop supporting someone who has been such a huge part of my life for so many years? Apparently, I am the only one he opens up to..

Yet, he did not treat me right. I feel I am going crazy.. I don’t have much of a support system in place as I am far from my family and friends.

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 6:34am

43: Jem says:

I’ve been there. I stopped all contact. It took 6 months for me not to contact my guy. He kept up trying though. I just kept saying I am really busy. He would send jokes at least once a week. When I wouldn’t respond, he would call me at work. I wouldn’t answer still.

Til one day, he wanted to talk seriously. I waited an extra week, then I accepted.

He told me how sorry he was etc… However, he still did not say what I wanted to hear or try to start over. From that day forward, he called every day ’til I caved to start spending time with him again. That took another 3 months.

Now, he does everything for me. He has paid for 2 trips to Vegas in the last 4 months. I went to visit him overseas for 7 days. He paid everything. He has never done that before.

He is also paying to have my patio redone, which will cost $10,000. He calls every day, he refers to his parents as “our” parents. I am very happily surprised.

I too, have no family where I am living. I have long distant girlfriends that I call from Florida to California. I joined a Meetup group in my town and have seen some new places and met some great gals to hang out with. I have painted my whole house (3000 sq ft) by myself in those months while I was waiting. I also went back to college and got my degree. Finally, after 25+ years. I lacked only 2 classes.

I know it’s hard, but done cave in, you’ll fall back to your old routine and he’ll know it. Then, he holds all the cards. You’ll either start all over or lose him all together. The choice is yours.

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 7:37am

44: susan says:

Hi again,
I feel somewhat heartened to hear your story. When my guy told me that he needed “space”, it caught me out of the blue — we were engaged, and I thought committed to each other.
Since then, I haven’t initiated any contact, but he has, and I have responded to calls / emails.. perhaps I shouldn’t have.
Also, he was depressed and I wanted to help and support him; I just find it really difficult to see someone I love in so much pain. But shouldn’t he be feeling the same? Why is he insensitive to my pain?

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 10:12am

45: Flipper says:

Yes, Susan,it’s essential that he feel your pain, too, if he has what it takes to “do” relationship. But to ‘get that’, he needs your ‘tough’ love – not outright demands or ultimatums, nor, heaven forbid, games – but your full, unyielding commitment to yourself to take care of Your Needs (or get them taken care of), Before you will share your loving, selfless support with him. So: strong on your inside, to be able to withstand feeling your pain in all it’s intensity, at the same time allowing him to see, through your words that describe it, that you are hurting. Rory has explained how giving him the opportunity to empathize with you is far more effective in helping him with his own problems than showing understanding and ’supporting’ him in the way you would with your girlfriends, children or close family (and as we women usually love to be supported).

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 3:32pm

46: susan says:

Hi Flipper,
Thanks for that. Would you point me to the post where Rori explains “how giving him the opportunity to empathize with you is far more effective”?
My concern is that given his depressive state, I am not sure that he can empathize with me…

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 4:51pm

47: Jem says:

You have to let him understand why he’s depressed by not being there for him. He needs to figure it out on his own or seek a therapist. When he reaches out due to a need of his not yours and you respond, you feel his emotional need temporary. He can’t see how much he needs you when you are available for him all the time.

The heart grows fonder when you are away. Yet, how can he feel you’re pain if you are so busy taking care of his pain!

I was always there for my guy to listen to him, when happy, sick, hurting, depressed or dating others until I realized I deserved better than that because I wanted more.

After the time I wasn’t available for him, which is almost 9 months, he told me how much he missed me, how much he missed hearing my voice, if all it was just to hear me say, “Hello.” When he returned, I learned he had double knee surgery and during his stay at the hospital he remembered how I took care of him years ago when he had pneumonia. He tells me more now than the past 5 years how much he appreciates me. He thanks me everytime I do something nice for him. It’s not often, in fact, he says it even when all I do is listen now or just make a small suggestion. He totally amazes me.

So, stop looking back and start moving forward. Walk away softly and let him miss you because obviously if you were engaged he loved you once. If you allow him to miss you, he’ll start reminicing of things you two did or things you did for him. H

Sunday, 26 April 2009 @ 8:11pm

48: Flipper says:

Hi Susan, Jem just gave a wonderful illustration. Rori did a whole post about dealing with a depressed man (besides the one she wrote in response to your or another Susan’s question) but I couldn’t find it. I’ll just add this quotation from Rori that sums up how the capacity to empathize (i.e. ‘feel WITH’ someone) kicks in for men: “this is what he wants – a woman who can feel, so that HE can feel safe to feel in YOUR presence”. Remember, this means feel and share HER feelings, however weak-feeling or ‘hateful’, not try to feel his FOR him.

Monday, 27 April 2009 @ 3:08am

49: Susan says:

Thanks Jem, Flipper.
Even after he broke up with me, he has called me over his friends / family to talk about what was on his mind. I feel a little stuck here: he has always turned to me when he needed to talk to someone. I was always there for him, because that’s what I thought relationships were about.
What I did not know is that this behavior of mine might have been sending out “friend” signals or “mom” signals instead. I felt I did create a safe environment for him and for us to talk — but now he says he feels “weak” when he turns to me, and I just don’t know how to reverse this… 8(

Monday, 27 April 2009 @ 5:23am

50: Jem says:

Everyone here is trying to convey to you and every other woman trying to get her man how to turn it around. Yet, will you (other women) listen and act on it.

Monday, 27 April 2009 @ 5:36am

51: Jem says:

Good luck! Things will turn around, when you start turning things around.

Monday, 27 April 2009 @ 5:50am

52: Susan says:

thanks for the support.. it does mean a lot.
I’m trying to do my best to focus on myself, and turn my behavior and attitudes around…

Monday, 27 April 2009 @ 6:42am

53: Flipper says:

To quote Rori again, just “Stop”. Don’t be there for him, at all – as a mom, friend, lover, anything. What we thought relationships were about turned about to be untrue – YOU know this, because this ‘relationship’ doesn’t feel good to you. It might look like betrayal (of our ideals) to us, but it will feel better not to keep giving your precious support and energy away to someone who takes them from you, because that’s the way of least resistance and most pleasure, but offers nothing in return. Whether he can’t or won’t makes no difference – nothing We Give will change anything for the better.

If you’re a junkie-giver like me, go practice receiving – the feelings of unnaturalness and resistance will take up a lot of time and energy to turn around, but they’ll be well-spent instead of wasted and mastering this capacity will serve you well.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009 @ 7:58am

54: Lisalisa says:

I value my ex. It’s been 6 months since he left. He wants to be friends. I feel love for him still. Do I tell him? Is it weird to feel more love for someone out of a relationship? Is that all in my head? Or has distance helped me see both our parts in the reasons for the break up?

Wednesday, 29 April 2009 @ 4:51pm

55: Lisalisa says:

my ex skyped me last night. i don’t know how to tell him that a skype relationship isn’t what i want with him. only trouble is i am afraid to truly let go, knowing that if i say that, it means he’s out of my life completely. But a skype conversation doesn’t feel good. it feels blah, general chit chat that i can have with anyone. i have deeper conversations with other friends.

i need to put my foot down. but at the same time i am confused because he has offered friendship, and if i wanted to see him as a friend i could. but again it’s not what i want.

Thursday, 7 May 2009 @ 3:16pm

56: ssgren says:

Hi Lisalisa,
I’ve had the same experience.. he skypes when he wants to under the pretext of checking in on me, but he really wants to talk about what is on his mind. He told me that he wanted to be my friend. The next time I saw him, I told him that I was hurt and that I still had feelings for him, to which he replied that he had feelings too, and always did. However, he didn’t take it any further — and neither did I (that would be leaning forward).

I feel like a junkie for the highs the contact gives me, and am finding it hard to let go. I feel that if he sees how much I’ve changed over the last few months, it might make a difference. I am not sure that he has changed though or whether he is working on himself..
I applied for a job in another country. I don’t know if it’s what I want, but it was a step..

Is your ex still seeing the other woman? He can’t have his cake and eat it. He is probably missing you in some way, but does not want to label it as anything more than “friends”, because he is scared.
How do you feel about not seeing him at all for a few months?

Thursday, 7 May 2009 @ 3:30pm

57: Lisalisa says:

It’s hard to know what to do isn’t it?

Yes, we’ve both done the I still have feelings for you thing, yet it changes nothing on his side. He is still seeing someone else. I don’t feel like a junkie, I just want to either be in his life or not be in it – that would mean he would have to truly share it, and he didn’t for the last 10 years and I accepted that. I won’t anymore. Yet there is that attachment to him.

I don’t know if he really does have feelings for me or if he’s just trying to be nice, to be friends. So far I don’t see that anything has changed on his side, and that’s what I need to remind myself of when I miss him or feel the need to contact him…nothing has changed. But I know I am changing, and it feels sooooo good! Now that I pay more attention to how I’m feeling, to how others are feeling, I feel so much more nurturing and caring for others. I see I have codependent traits, but it’s not so scary anymore now that I recognise them. It’s actually liberating.

I’ve barely seen him since the split. I wanted to talk things out after the breakup, but he didn’t want to and it was difficult. He wanted to catch up like friends, like we never were together it seemed!!

So not seeing him hasn’t been too much of a problem, although he did bump into me and a friend a week ago, said quick hello’s and a quick chat and off he went. I feel like it gives me a chance to work on me, and I am making big changes. So, like you, I fear he won’t get to see those changes, but I am making them for me, so it really doesn’t matter.

I’ve made the decision not to contact him. Last night he contacted me, and would like to do so again. Yes, he would. But if I’m not ready to just be friends, what is the point? It would only end up confusing and hurting us both. He left, after 10 years, what more do I need to realise he doesn’t want to be with me?

The thing is, if I really do wish him well, then being friends shouldn’t be an issue…but the attachment is still there 6 months on. The reality is that he took the path of least resistance in my opinion when it came to our relationship – he left, rather than go through the hard yards it might have taken to get back on track. But perhaps he sees it differently, that leaving was the hard path. I don’t know. I want to feel the highs – I want to let myself get excited over speaking to him, that giddyness we used to feel as lovers, but I am scared to let myself feel that, because it is only me who wants it.

One thing he has noticed is that I am going out more with friends etc. I’ve noticed that the few friendships I do have, have become closer and better and that’s wonderful. Probably because I opened up to them more, letting them in, seeing me for who I am.

I wish I was in the situation of being able to leave countries! It would be a nice new adventure, but I have some debt to pay off. Maybe in a year! I also didn’t want to make any rash decisions when it came to work/uni/life.

How are you going with that?

Thursday, 7 May 2009 @ 5:47pm

58: Lisalisa says:

Rori, you say to let him go and get out there and circular date. That there will be time to become friends much later on…how much later? I was with this guy for 10 years.

Thursday, 7 May 2009 @ 7:16pm

59: Lisalisa says:

When I think about emailing him something, I feel anxious, so now I don’t do it, even though there is still so much I want him to know.

When he skypes me, I feel unimportant to him, that I am just someone to fill the time he has between things, that I am not worthy of his real time and attention, however I have created that by not wanting to ‘do coffee’ or ‘go to the pub’.

I’m not sure how to get a clear message out. Yes, I am happy to talk about us if you want to. No I am not ready to be friends, when I want more. I am angry with myself for wanting more with you. Call me when you change!!!

I don’t want to treat him like the scum of the earth because he is not. I don’t want to cut him out of my life because he is a worthy person. But the current way we are interacting isn’t working for me either.

Thursday, 7 May 2009 @ 9:30pm

60: ssgren says:

I wish I knew the answer.. it still feels as though he only wants your “good” parts, and he only wants this when he feels like it. [Identical situation on my side]. Yet, whether one is someone’s friend or lover, one has to accept the bad with the good, one cannot pick and choose. We all have friends with annoying habits — but we don’t walk away from them right?
What would happen if you were “friends”, and you needed to talk to him one evening about something, but the other woman was there? Would he make time for you?

I feel I am getting mixed messages from him. He cuddles me when we are together (and I let him). Am I weak, or am I giving in to getting my needs fulfilled too, even though it’s only temporary?

I am glad to hear that you feel that you have grown over the last months. At some level, I feel I have too. However, I feel alone. I have great friends, but everyone has their own lives. I thought I was special to him, as he was to me.

I completely agree with what you say about taking the easy way out. I feel that all relationships need to be worked at, whether it is with one’s parents / siblings / friends etc. So, why do so many men see this as a “problem”? Things cannot always be “easy” and “carefree”…

Changing countries is going to be hard, but if I do it, I have to be sure that I am not running away.

Friday, 8 May 2009 @ 2:49am

61: sue says:

Hi there I am curiuos to find out if i have been in a relationship for June 8th this year will make it 8 years. Yes 8 years, no kids, no marriage etc. Wehave had alot of ups and downs. I am seven years younger than him. I always lied to him and he does not trust me. But in January this year I completely stopped and he broke up with me in ending April for something I did since December last year. I love him and he say’s he loves me. We speak over the phone. A month has passed since and I keep saying lets work at it again and he keeps saying he is tired of the lies the second chances. What should I do? I never really made my mind up to stop lying but I told him so many times tha tI did because I could not tell him I was just telling him that not to break it off. I know this is the man of my life. I want kids, family etc. the full works with him. HOW CAN I CONVINCE HIM THIS TIME BABES I AM REALLY A CHANGES PERSON???

Thursday, 28 May 2009 @ 10:32am

62: Rori Raye says:

Sue, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. Lying covers up deeper stuff. Stopping lying means letting out some of the horribly unpleasant truths you’ve been stuffing down all these years. I’m not sure what you lie about, and if you only lie to him and no one else – but THIS is where you start. Stop lying all throughout your life. Change. As YOU change, he will either be attracted back to you mightily, or he won’t. A man who stays with a woman who lies for 8 years WANTS a woman who lies. This is a push-pull, toxic relationship. My hope is that as you heal yourself, other men who WANT a TRUTHFUL woman will show up for you, and you’ll have what you truly want. Love, Rori

Thursday, 28 May 2009 @ 1:14pm

63: Cyn says:

I am a hot mess and not sure what to do…I got Rori’s Commitment Blueprint and now I’m more confused than ever. I just don’t know what to do with myself. My guy and I have been on and off for 1-1/2 years. He always breaks up with me saying he doesn’t see a future with me. But he ALWAYS comes back. The thing is that we don’t have any problems. We have major physical attraction, we have so much fun and laugh together, and we can talk and communicate. He just always says he feels ‘hesitation’ in his heart and doesn’t want to go any further…he’s said this about other women as well. I have begun to enact the 7 steps and I am at step 2. The problem is that I don’t get the opportunity to give him feeling messages because he won’t call me!!! He will text to his hearts content, but actually talk to me??? Why won’t he call me??? He may go days before texting, but he usually resurfaces…after the weekend is over. His latest stunt is he didn’t even call or text me on my birthday. ugh!! I love him so much and feel that he is the one for me…but I feel just sick and overwhelmed and worried that he’ll flake out on me at any moment! I’ve gotten my own life and passions and do my own thing….I’m even dating several men right now, and he knows about it!! Why are these steps not working for me????

Sunday, 14 June 2009 @ 7:14am

64: Rori Raye says:

Cyn – Welcome. The piece you’re missing is Circular Dating – it’s later in the Commitment Blueprint program, and you’ll need the details and the how-to of how to do it in your particular situation. The program for the details is Targeting Mr. Right – and there’s tons of free stuff here and mentoring around Circular Dating that will get you unstuck here. You’ve got a friends with benefits thing going on, whether or not you are willing to acknowledge that. You are with a man who’s told you you are not the “one.” Take him at his word. The only way he can suddenly discover that you ARE “the one” is to get your life in gear. Love, Rori

Sunday, 14 June 2009 @ 10:44am

65: Lisalisa says:

I am getting my life in gear. But he’s not coming back. He’s dating someone else. Is there anything I can do?

We haven’t seen each other for months.

Sunday, 14 June 2009 @ 4:35pm

66: Flipper says:

Once it’s in gear, we move it forward, without waiting for or expecting any particular person to come on board. We move it forward to see just who will be hailing us and is willing to run along hard enough to keep up. Feeling confident that they will show up (and that those that don’t, aren’t worth missing because they are not what we want.)

When I’m ‘feeling’ that a certain someone was The one for me, I remind myself that it’s not really true right now: if it were, he’d by calling, taking me out and generally making me feel great, not awful. Then I remember this lousy thing and that, and start to feel irritated, which feels a whole lot better than pining and it becomes easier and easier to pass onto something else. (I Know I am the best for him, but that’s another matter – His loss or poor judgment, which helps chip away at the admiration I felt for him as a person, and thus my attachment.)

Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 12:22pm

67: ssgren says:

Hi Lisa,
I had been wondering how things were going with you..
Although I sort of agree with Flipper, I too am finding it hard to let go of all that investment, over all those years… believing that he was “the one”.
Has there been absolutely no contact with him? How can he see how much you’ve changed?
I don’t know.. do you think that it would be “leaning forward” to call and ask him out for a coffee? It would be on your terms…

Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 1:08pm

68: Lisalisa says:

Hi everyone,

Ssgren, it hasnt been complete no contact, but an online chat once a month, initiated by him. Last time that happened, I said this wasnt the type of relationship i wanted with him, and he said he would try and make a time to catch up soon…I havent heard from him.

I still think about him a lot, but it serves no point. He is not interested. He is in a relationship with someone else. We don’t see each other. He is keen to keep in touch. I deserve better.

My self esteem is so low that I fail to see it. If my self esteem was high i might have left years ago. That is what i should be working on.

I wont call him to catch up. He made his choice.

Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 2:45pm

69: Lisalisa says:

Ssgren how are you doing?

70: Flipper says:

For me, contacting him in any way, for any reason, doesn’t work. It DOESN’t FEEL GOOD. Hearing the voice when he picks up, reading the lines of his blah msg – for a few mins., yes, I feel a zing and then it all falls flat. Nothing comes of it, except prolonging the misery. I don’t actually want to contact him. I want to be contacted – him to WANT to contact me and the only proof of that is if He does it. Men do what the Want to do, and don’t do what they don’t want to do. (And deep down, I know I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.) The hard thing for me is to avoid showing what feels like (or I mistakenly believe to be) the most basic politeness: responding quickly and ‘positively’ to any sign, showing concern about or trying to prevent problems, etc., even the automatic ‘how ‘r’ you?’ even before He has asked me as much.

As for ‘How do they know if they don’t even see us?’ It’s like in the title of this thread – they really do feel our energy somehow (which it seems they like feeling but then take for granted, with no qualms about not sending theirs to us), and they also somehow get it when our energy is going away from them – feeling its absence is often when they feel compelled to get back in contact. This has happened to me like that. One guy I hadn’t heard from in a year even said ‘I have no idea why I had to call you’. (I was finally and consciously getting over him.) I did get a weird feeling hearing that, but had no realization at the time of how important it was to Go With That Feeling and show some boundaries. I wish I’d said that I’d feel happy to talk to him again when he figured it out, cuz he never did and in the meantime I slid back into imaginary relationship mode.

Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 5:02pm

71: ssgren says:

Hi Lisa,
I”m sorry to hear that you’re feeling down. I know that it hurts. On the positive side, at least he seems to want to keep in touch. I agree that it might not be a good idea to get in touch with him if you think your self-esteem will take a battering; I guess if you want contact, it has to be on your terms. Is there any chance that you can spend some “fun” time together (i.e. no relationship talk), to remind him of how great it was with you?

Things are a bit confusing on my side. I feel I am getting a lot of very mixed messages. He has initiated contact on several occasions, but I do not feel he is ready to talk about “us” just yet, even though we have spent some time together. I am still not at the stage where I don’t feel anxious thinking about the relationship.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009 @ 1:35am

72: Lisalisa says:

We have not spent any time together. He is open to being friends, but I don’t see how when there is so much unspoken to process.

He is seeing someone else so I do not feel it is my place to be in his life.

My issues aren’t just related to him. It’s me. And that’s the scariest part – knowing I have to fix myself. I have to get my self esteem to healthy levels. It’s a very slow process.

Yes I want him in my life. I just can’t take the abandonment. It hurts. He is not nasty, he is as supportive as he can be. I just wish he could have talked to me, that we could have talked to each other.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009 @ 2:07am

73: Lisalisa says:

I just wish he could have hung in there with me. But he’d already given up way before he left. He deserves happiness. We both do.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009 @ 2:08am

74: ssgren says:

At least you recognize and acknowledge that there are issues you have to deal with. It is a long and slow process I know.. but soon it’ll become habit and you won’t even know that you’re having to make an effort! You have to believe that! I completely understand what you mean by the hurt caused by rejection and abandonment — I feel it everyday. I feel that you are focussing on the fact that he is seeing someone: you don’t know whether she really means something to him, or whether she is just a stepping-stone. After all, you did spend 10years together, it isn’t easy to just erase that right? Unfortunately we can’t change the past, but we can focus on the here and now, and we can stop trying to second-guess other people. I had been doing that a lot, and things get easier when one just stops. Try it! Has he explicitly said to you “friends only ever” or are you reading too much into “I want to us to remain friends”?

Tuesday, 16 June 2009 @ 4:51am

75: Cyn says:

Now I’m really confused…I feel like I’m getting my life in gear. I AM Circular Dating. I flirt with EVERYONE…men are falling over themselves trying to get at me….asking to be my “man”. I have no interest in these guys. My guys knows that I’m going out with other men and he occasionally will seem a bit jealous, but then he just disappears again. Then after a week or so he will text me like nothing ever happened. How can I get him to see suddenly that he cannot be without me if he never calls? Texting just isn’t cutting it with me.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009 @ 8:26am

76: Flipper says:

Cyn, (Lisalisa, Ssgren) – you can’t “get” him to do anything, and anyway, you wouldn’t be happy with anything it felt as if you’d “made” him do. Howabout stepping back further and Not responding to texts. When he calls : “It feels good to hear your voice”, and no “how’r'u?” or other remark/question about him. If and when he mentions you haven’t been responding to his messages, maybe something like “I feel irritated with texting” (or whatever feeling you have about that), sans explanation. Maybe “I didn’t feel like interupting what I was doing, and later the moment felt lost.” I would try to put my answers to his remarks about this in the form of ‘don’t wants’. “I feel good being in contact, and I don’t want to feel like that’s not much of a priority”, or “…like I’m just waiting around”.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009 @ 3:29am

77: Flipper says:

PS Congrats on the circular dating! I’d love to be revelling in the good feelings, however ‘incomplete’ they are, that come from those guys, and just sink into the bad ones they are also triggering (glad to be practicing with no goes so I can handle them when I need to).

Wednesday, 17 June 2009 @ 3:35am

78: Lisalisa says:

My ex left after 10 years. He’s seeing someone else. What more do i need to see? It’s done.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009 @ 3:52am

79: Flipper says:

I’m still feeling too much energy going towards men who aren’t there. Even though I now realize the quality of my limitless feelings of love, and that they belong to me, when I’m thinking about or yearning for those who have abandonned me or show indifference, that feels like a lien has been put on them. They are still mine, but not fully available for my own well being or to respond to someone else who would like to share his attraction and mutual caring for me.

Also, I want to gather my energy together within myself. I’m in the process of “taking back my gifts” and although they were offered to share without strings, I did not intend to give them away for “nothing”. I feel as if they were neglected, taken as something ‘nice’ but superfluous, without much meaning for the receiver, who just left them lying around within himself to feel good about from time to time, but without bothering to connect that to me.

And I realize I don’t really want that person to be happy without me. I’m not against it, but I don’t want any of My energy being wasted on wanting that. When I think of them happy without me, I feel angry and dejected, then my NV’s rear up and say it’s really my fault cuz I wasn’t ready or worthy or some crap. Even if I recognize that he was not worthy of me, my NV’s come down on me for my poor judgment in choosing him! But now I feel happy about the anger and try to stoke it for all it’s worth. And it’s just too bad if the NV’s get swiped aside rather tartly in the process – I don’t want to lose momentum by having to baby them (they’re tough cookies and know they’ll get theirs soon enough).

Wednesday, 17 June 2009 @ 4:05am

80: Andie says:

Can I just say that this article has some of the best advice I’ve ever read when dealing with a break-up, in particular relating to breaking all contact, getting on with your life and realising that he would have kept stringing me along because he actually does like me but wants me on his terms, not mine.

I was seeing a guy who initially totally swept me off my feet then went cold, claiming he couldn’t handle any kind of commitment at the time but wanted to be ‘friends’ (i.e. keep his options open)

I asked him not to contact me again and got on with my life as best I could – not easy at the time as I’d really fallen for him. However slowly but surely I got my confidence back again and have now got to the point where I’m out and about meeting, chatting and flirting with other guys. 4 months later, whilst I think about him every now and again I’m pretty over him and having fun with new guys.

Then today, out of the blue, I got a text from him saying that he’d be at the same party as me in a months time and that he’d thought he’d best let me know in case I was thinking of going and would rather avoid bumping into him. Whilst I’m not sure if the origins are sheer arrogance, thinking I still care or complete desperation (an excuse to get in touch). I haven’t laughed so much in ages so I thought I’d share it

Incidentally, I did respond saying that I would be going but that his presence was somewhat irrelevant to whether I went or not – which I can genuinely say is the truth – and wished him a pleasant evening. And, he replied back but I’m not going to get drawn into conversation with him.

So if you’re in the place where I was 4 months ago feeling down and hopeless I’d like to share this with you:

– Do not contact him, AT ALL, don’t bitch about or mention him in conversation with his friends
- Get on with your life – do stuff for YOU, flirt, do things that make YOU feel good stuff
- He WILL get back in touch eventually – trust me on this – and WHEN not IF, but WHEN he gets in touch, you’ll be so over him and it will be extremely powerful and confidence boosting to you to realise that you’ve got over all the hurt he caused you but also that he is only just about to go through realising he’s totally messed up and lost you, possibly for good unless he really pulls his socks up!!!

Friday, 21 August 2009 @ 12:36pm

81: Rori Raye says:

Thank you, Andie, for this great, helpful comment. Rori

Friday, 21 August 2009 @ 1:03pm

82: Jennifer says:

Hi everyone,
This is my situation that I am in now. I have been in a “friends” relationship with a guy for 1 1/2 years. We have always been extremely flirtous, very touchy feely… we spent one night “together”, and then made out a few times, but we just never took it to that level again. We would spend 24/7 together, and he had started to see this girl, which he completely hid from me, but sadly I have been cheated on enough in past relationships, that I knew what was going on, and I confronted him about it. And that’s when I got the dreaded “I just want to be friends” speech. At first, I did the “I don’t want to lose you, I will love you better than…, I can be your friend.” which was just lying to me and as Rori puts it so elegantly, it does not matter what you feel for him, it is what he feels for you. Then I found this blog. I set him aside, and I told him I could not be his friend, that he already had 2 best guy friends, and that even though we work together, no more coming over to the house, no more calling and no more texting. Do you know what he said to me? He said he was so turned on, that he wanted to go to bed together. I said no! Since then, I have leaned WAY back and have NEVER started the contact. He was always very complimentary towards me, But suddenly it was different compliments like, I have a beautiful singing voice, or my hair looks shiny today..you know..sweet stuff, that seemed to tell me he was paying attention to the “little” things. I won’t allow him around for me for weeks, except he still got to see me at work. Then he started to call and ask me if he could see me, and at first I thought it was because he wanted to “talk” but we just ended up hanging out, and then he started asking me out to dinner, and wanted to take me shopping…which I let him do, because it made me feel like a girl, and I was not doing the leaning in. Then one night, he took me to dinner (He pays for everything, when before we always split the bill or I paid mostly), and we came back to my place, and we were laughing and having a great time (like we always do.. we really do have a blast!) and suddenly, he looked down at me and said “I want to kiss you right now.” I shyly looked back up at him, and I said “You do?” waited like 3 seconds, holding his glaze, and then I looked down, because I felt like I was leaning forward, and then I looked back up at him, and he was still looking at me, and held his glaze for like another 4 seconds, BUT he didn’t move in for the kiss. So, I just looked back down, moved myself away from him completely, and sat on the other side of the couch, and acted like nothing happened. He always hugs me good bye when he sees me, and he always has to come in for the hug because I won’t, but now he kisses me on the cheek when he hugs me. Should I lean back more, or am I not being soft enough, or maybe not recieving enough, or am I just being strung along again? He said one of the reasons why he wanted to just be friends, is that there was “no chase” with me… well I am trying to give him a chase now! I know I need to start circular dating… baby steps. Any other suggestions?

Friday, 11 September 2009 @ 6:23pm

83: Annie says:

Hi. Am so glad I found this site! Can really relate to what everyone’s been saying. I got introduced to a guy back in Sept 09. We hit it off right away..he made all the moves and boy were they fast! I got swept up in it all and we became close quite quickly. We spoke on phone pretty much every day, lots of texts. He’d always want to know if I got home safe after I left him etc. My friends could see I was happy and same with him. I’d been introduced to a member of his family as girlfriend. He’d been a bit unwell when I met him and I got caught up in supporting him with this..natural for me. He was very appreciative of my concern and support but I do wonder if I should have walked away….much of his health problem was self-inflicted as it turned out. Anyway, after a few weeks he made odd comment of not knowing what he wanted. When I asked him what he meant he said it was just him, and he wasn’t used to someone caring. Few more weeks went past. Further comment as before….same explanation. Then we went away for a short break. Lovely. But I had nagging feeling not all was right. He’d avoided kissing me a couple of time…turning his face so I got his cheek. That really bothered me. Then while away right out of the blue he said he knew that whatever happened we’d always be friends. I felt so anxious I couldn’t even ask him about this. I may have been over-attentive but he did seem to enjoy the attention I was giving him. He’d been married many years before and had several long term relationships. His elderly mum was ill (didn’t live with her) and he’d told me he had to see her more often. I understood this and thought this just meant maybe we’d still see each other once a week. How wrong I was! Phone calls stopped. Texts became minimal. Quite often prompted by me. I’ve had to ask if ok to ring him. When this all started I asked him if we were ok. he said yes. Then a couple more weeks would pass with just odd texts but no attempt by him to speak to me on phone. When we did speak again he’d said he valued our friendship and what we have. I asked him where we were. Was I waiting in wings for things to settle down. he said he could live with this. I felt really unwell while all this uncertainly was going on. Wish I’d tackled him about things straight out. Feel I’ve been led on and then dumped. But I could be wrong. Maybe he just wanted space. But does space mean completely altering one’s behaviour to the other person? i only texted once roughly every 3 days sure by now he really wasn’t bothered. Surely someone would want nice things if bad stuff happening in life? ie his mum being ill. Christmas approached. We spoke Christmas eve after he’d said it was ok for quick chat. one of his down sides has been he is very negative man about lots of stuff and I’ve been involved with negative men before and it’s never good for me. Anyway, chat xmas eve was sort of normal-ish. But I sensed he was going through the motions. He told me he felt really mean. Again I was too scared to say anything. No card or present from him. No time available for him to see me. He had promised me nice christmas. Friends suggested I didn’t contact him anymore but I knew I had to regain some control as anxiety making me unwell. By new year’s day later afternoon having had no wishes from him for 2010, I’d had enough and knew it was doing me no good at all hanging around and rightly or wrongly I sent polite text with best wishes for 2010 etc to say I couldn’t continue as things were and that he was more than mean and that I deserved better. Said he didn’t understand what friendship meant and that I wanted to be left alone. Quite possibly what he wanted anyway. But i do feel better as each day passes and know he wasn’t right for me. Very sad for me as I had been happy and I feel as if hope has vanished again. But it’s his loss. Perhaps he has commitment phobia or he suddenly decided he wasn’t attracted to me. I hadn’t wanted to ‘look after’ him when we met and if he’d looked after himself that wouldn’t have been necessary. Am trying not to blame myself but I appreciate there’s two sides to a story. That said, I should trust my intuition because with hindsight there was an underlying ’something’ that I was concerned about….but I chose to ignore it and said nothing. He’s probably done me a favour – would I have walked away if he hadn’t backed off??? Bless all of us star-struck lovers and friends out there. I’m sure there’s someone perfect for us who’s still trying to reach us!

Friday, 8 January 2010 @ 4:58pm

84: Pam says:

Hello ladies! Wow, I really wish I found Rori months ago! I too am at the “can we be friends” crossroad. My ex and I dated 1 year but after about 6 months I noticed he just wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore. He wasn’t himself, so I approached him. He said this happens in all of his relationships. He gets in a “rut” but please be patient with him, so I was. Things got better for a bit, then again, it felt as if I was hanging out with a buddy. There was little to no romance. So I had a talk with him. He agreed that we should take a “break”. About 3 weeks later we had a chat about things and that was when he told me some very sad & deep issues. Especially with his family. It was the first time I seen him cry. Since then there’s been countless emails, online chats & we’ve seen other 5 times since the break-up 3 months ago. I’ve tried to act happy around him, be a friend, but I can’t. I’m in love with him. I want to be more than friends. He’s starting to feel uncomfortable around me and told me he can’t give me what I want, so I need to figure things out on my own. Below are things he’s said to me that keep me holding on so tight.

-he doesn’t know what to say about me getting over him, in a way he doesn’t want me to
-he wants to break down his walls & love someone like he used to & he wants that person to be me
-maybe this is what he needs…maybe he needs to realize what a great thing he has in me
-he knows my heart is breaking but his will break too if I walk out of his life
-he’s never met someone so willing to give to those around them and never expect anything back
-it’s not selfish for me to want him in my life because he can’t imagine life without me
-he loved spending time with me and still wants to
-he’s blessed to have someone like me in his life
-he holds me very close to his heart
-he doesn’t want to be alone the rest of his life and regretting all the wonderful chances he had with wonderful woman
-he needs to figure out what is wrong with him (he’s going to speak to a therapist)

I’m a total mess when it comes to figuring this out. Many friends of mine had told me to not be his friend, to get out there and date. But I’m afraid I’ll lose him forever. I’ve never felt this way about someone. He’s my perfect match (well obviously not if we’re not together right? Haha!) The more reading I do, the more I realize he has intimacy problems. I know he’s upset with what happened to us. He has cried many times. I know he cares about me & cherished our time together. He really is a great guy and has so much to offer. It really is a shame.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hi. I wish everyone luck with their relationships or if they’re out there dating. Rori you are AMAZING! Thank you for helping us! Everything happens for a reason right?

Sunday, 10 January 2010 @ 6:28pm

85: Rori Raye says:

Annie, Thank you so much for your story…and though I’m sorry for your heartache and that you were not able to take better care of yourself while he was drifting away and treating you poorly – you sound wonderful – with a wonderful attitude and a fresh start – and next time will be so much better!! Love, Rori

Monday, 11 January 2010 @ 2:31pm

86: Annie says:

Thanks so much, Rori. I have checked out a lot of the info on your site..and I have to say I am impressed. I have done a lot of reading about relationships with the self and others over the last few years. This hasn’t stopped me falling into the pit a few times!!! Part of life’s rich tapestry, no doubt! One of my problems is I’m both creative and analytical by nature. The analytical side switches on the moment I’m with a man and I need to learn how to go with the feeling (intuition) rather than prepare for a dissertation into the ‘whys and wherefores’ of a man’s attitude and behaviours. Yes, there are reasons why we all react certain ways, with fear being a huge driving force. But what I’m trying to take from this recent experience (when I can stop letting my mind drift to ‘if only I’d…..’ ) is that (a) I should have encouraged conversation/communication the first time he mentioned ‘friendship’ rather than be scared to say anything and (b) do I really want to be a ‘fixer-upper’ or ‘facilitator’ to any more men!!! I’d also like to recomment a beautiful book called “The Art of Loving” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I remembered this book was on my shelf just at the right time. A key message in this book (amongst many) is: ‘why settle for a dog when we really want a cat’. A dog will always be a dog. That’s how it was made. Again, many thanks to everyone on this site for their thoughts, feelings etc. Hope is a good thing to have and I refuse to let this man take it away from me!!!!

Monday, 11 January 2010 @ 3:03pm

87: Rori Raye says:

Pam, Welcome – and you’re not going to like this. Please don’t read if you don’t want to hear: He’s not afraid of intimacy. His “sad” issues are meaningless. There is nothing here for you. Get away from him – now. You will NEVER be more than a friend to him. He loves you as a friend, he knows you’re a fabulous woman, he wishes he loved you the way he wants to love a woman. But he doesn’t. He’s not that into you. He’s not attracted to you romantically. You’re bamboozling yourself. And I say it this way because it’s not his fault. He’s being totally upfront with you. He’s not trying to sleep with you when he’s horny and then backing off again. He’s plain and simple: Not interested. He may be gay. He may have met another woman he has feelings for who isn’t interested in him. Nothing matters. When a man doesn’t want to have sex with you (except as a friend – and I don’t hear he’s interested in that, either)….and you’re not married to him — get outta there!!!!

Monday, 11 January 2010 @ 3:19pm

88: Celeste says:

He called me a week ago, after he had dissapeared for a year. So weird.. he wanted to apologise and be my friend.. I said apologies accepted but no friendship. I do miss him, and still have feelings for him, it is difficult to move on. He is back in my life in a certain way now. I needed to hear some words from him, apologies but the words:i want to be your fiend, you are so great, and better than my ex. He hurted me again…

Saturday, 23 January 2010 @ 7:59pm

89: Seina says:

I just wanted to say thank you! This post is the final piece in a puzzle that has confounded me for years. I also ALWAYS get put in the friends category after a romantic relationship goes south. From reading your blog and ebook, I now know WHY I am demoted to a friend. Sometimes it’s been the guy, most times it’s been me (overthinking, overfunctioning, not allowing my feelings to be seen for fear of being called overemotional, needy etc.).

I found your website because I wanted to figure out why the latest ex – the one who was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man – doesn’t ‘feel’ it for me anymore, although he told me he loves our conversation and is obviously sexually and spiritually attracted to me. I now know that I took what started out as a heart connection and wrangled it into a mind, spiritual, and sexual connection (short circuited the attraction as you say). WHY I did that is something I need to work on within myself. But I see THAT I did that as clearly as I see this computer screen, and I couldn’t have seen it without your guidance.

Now the ex wants to be friends. Of course he wants to be my friend, I’m a fantastic woman! But I know from years of heartache and being in an imaginary relationship for 5 years – one that tore me apart inside and made me doubt my femininity – that no amount of “friendship” will bring this man closer.

Instead, I’m making the choice that I once made years ago when I finally ended the longest imaginary relationship on record (the man never even wanted to KISS me, after 5 years!). That is, I choose love, relationship, marriage. This current man isn’t offering me that anymore, and so — even though I believe it’s my ‘fault’ that I’m in the friendzone — I’m gone.

Perhaps the most recent ex will be back – perhaps not. Truth is, it doesn’t matter, does it? It doesn’t matter WHO the man is who comes into my life and sticks around and offers me all those wonderful things I’ve been wanting all my life. The point is, WHEN it happens, it will be the right man, and the right time, and the right relationship. And I will *finally* (thanks to you) allow myself to be the feminine woman I’ve always wanted to be but have been afraid of being.

I feel like crying as I write this, because it’s been a long time coming. I turn 36 this month, and I’m now just understanding.

Here’s a crazy aside – my mother has known what you know all along. She’s been happily married to a man who ADORES her (my dad) for almost 50 years. I always thought she was selfish with my dad, and so dismissed her way of doing a relationship. Now who’s the fool?

What you teach is 100% right, I’ve seen it work my parents’ relationship (who are still very much in love, btw). Now it’s my turn. What I was too blind or too headstrong to let my mother teach me, you’ve taught me here. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 12:04pm

90: Rori Raye says:

Seina – This is totally brilliant. you’re on your way to the love you want and deserve – and now you know what it looks like. Love, Rori

Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:04pm

91: Betty says:

Excellent advice which applies to both single men and married men who have affairs then say they “want to be friends”.

Nice to see such an accurate reflection!

Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 5:48pm

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