How I Coach A Client

locketA new client sent me a great list of questions, a bit about her and her background, what she’s hoping for with my coaching – and I thought you might like to know, too – how I work and how I think:

1. Since I began Rori Raye Relationship Coach Training, I’ve fallen more and more in love with the idea of helping women start, work at, make thrive, make money at their own businesses – coaching or otherwise.

So – as I hand off my coaching practice to my Certified Coaches – I’m thinking up new ways to mentor them and other coaches.  So – if you see some “boy” stuff around business, and how to be business-like without forgetting you’re a “girl” – you’ll know why.

I seem to be able to convince my Trainees and clients that they can be successful – even if they don’t feel confident right now…

This is exactly the same thing as Circular Dating!

You need your “boy” to get you out of the house. Then you need your boy to put you in the room, or the restaurant chair or the barstool, or the party, or the meetup, or the coffee shop for a first online date “get to know.”

You need your “boy” to get you where a man can find you.

You need your “boy” to keep your schedule straight so you don’t lose track or lose hope.

You need your inner “boy” to give your inner “girl” the room to just BE.

You need your inner “boy” to show a good example to the men out there of what you require.

The confidence to love yourself – wherever you are or however you’re feeling – is what being a girl is all about.

And it’s harder to get there without giving your inner “boy” some room to stretch.

So – doing “business” is a GREAT way of giving your “boy” something to do.

He gets to do the “business” of dating and relationship – so that your girl can be free to feel.

2. I push. I push and shove, actually.

I’m tough love, I’m firm, I’m no nonsense.

I won’t let you punish yourself, or beat up on yourself – AND, I won’t even let you get mad at yourself for punishing yourself or beating yourself up! I won’t even let you feel bad when you get mad…

And on and on. I’m about helping you to love every single moment of your life, no matter what:

Every single expression on your face, every single word out of your mouth, every single thought that crosses your mind, every single feeling that comes through your heart, and every bit of stardust of your soul.

3. I get asked a lot about my “trauma” Tools – partly because I’ve personally done all kinds of Trauma Resolution work: from Reichian Therapy (I was a “Rebirther”) to Peter Levine’s great Somatic Experiencing, partly because I’m a trauma survivor myself (rape and assault 35 years ago), and partly because I created and teach “Riffing” in my Targeting Mr. Right program.

I’ve done so many trauma clearing modalities (and I can teach many of them to you for your own use) – AND I don’t think any of them are anywhere near as positive or powerful as touted – compared to the Tools I created and use around Being Aware, Being Present, and Loving Everything No Matter What.

Perhaps the most important reason I’m approached about working with trauma is that, because of my own past and path – at least you’ll know I have some idea of the enormity of everything you’re feeling and experiencing and can hear you fully.

I basically “leapfrog” over “trauma” by staying in the present, doing “Being Present” Tools I’ve created, and also bringing something “bigger” into the picture: All religious and spiritual views of God, the Universe, “What Is…” – whatever my client most resonates with.

4. It is SO easy to define ourselves by what’s happened to us.

The trick is to start fresh, while still doing the work to drop old “cellular memory” and old “beliefs” about life, love, the world, the universe…

It’s sort of a self-awareness project.

Everything we work on will center around that.

8. I don’t think there’s ANYONE who comes near a goal after a lifetime of making “getting to that goal” their focus who doesn’t feel “lost” as they approach that goal.

It could be the last 10 pounds of weight loss, the relationship getting closer, the business starting to turn a profit.

In a way – we “identify” ourselves as this person on this “path.” On this “search.”

We are so goal oriented, we forget who we are and how we are right now.

Our “self” BECOMES that “search.” We become our “Journey.”

So, when we’re so close we feel like the Journey is going to be over (think the last few games of a champion tennis match, the last strides of a foot race, the last triple ice-skating jump, the end of an illness…) – we feel lost.

It’s like losing yourself – the self that was “striving.”

Like “choking” in a tennis match – You fight and fight, then get near the end and can’t “finish.”

It’s classic – it’s human.

The trick is to “fall in love” with the whole experience.

This is where I push – like a coach.

Love, Rori


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111 Comments to “How I Coach A Client”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am grateful that you have to do this work. Thank you Rori.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 6:56am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    *chosen to do this work*

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 6:56am

  3. 3: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t stop crying… and crying … today…

    he texted me all day yesterday and hasn’t ask me out.. I was so exhausted yesterday I was so busy I had hardly any time to text back.. but then I struggle with that since he is just texting me texts that don’t ask me to respond…

    I went to be early last night and I hadn’t texted him back b/c all he said was just let you know I’m thinking about you…

    he texted me goodnight – I was laready asleep… so I texted him this moring Awww so sweet! GoodMorning…. Muuuwhhhaaa ( which is a kiss)

    I’m crying b/c it V-day and I don’t have a date… and I’m tried of hearing how amazing I am… and still nothing …

    what the H%$^&LL

    I want to just give up!!!


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:52am

  4. 4: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa I feeeeel you, sister!!!!!
    Yesterday I really stretched myself and let myself be vulnerable with someone I had some hard feelings for from years ago, because he put out the vibe that he was open to reconciling. I used my feeling messages, and told him yes, I had been avoiding him, and I’m open to clearing the air and he responded publicly (on FB) that would be good, what did I have in mind?
    I told him I didn’t want to do it via FB, a phone call was what I had in mind…
    and crickets since then.
    Like…do I really have to message him privately, say here’s my phone number??

    Lots of men talking me up, you’re a queen, you’re amazing, baby I’m gonna love you up so sweet, wow, a woman like you is so rare and wonderful and sexy and yada yada yada and no frigging action.

    Typing this out, though, it does seem like a perfect reflection because I’ve been feeling stuck in procrastination and inaction myself.
    I’ve been super cozy in my comfortable isolation and bubble and haven’t been really stretching myself. I’ve been especially lazy since my job assignment ended around Christmas. I have just enough money coming in so I don’t have to worry but I’ve been caught up in internal conflict and magical thinking.
    I was just noticing yesterday how I have perfected the skill of procrastination. Good job, Belle…lol.

    so…hahaha, yes, that feels light, that feels like truth, that’s the message they have for me. :)

    Thanks for the spark.
    Time to get my lazy arse in the shower…


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:09am

  5. 5: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Being really busy and also feeling and carrying the sad feelings has had its own sweetness. I drove past where we had our second date where I had fun and felt so good, so safe to let myself out, and I didn’t feel sad. I actually smiled – there are now little places in this town where I was so happy on these two dates. They’re like little reminders that I had a small taste of what it felt like to be adored. I notice I’m wanting to hold onto those feelings I felt and the feeling of being adored, it gives me hope “that’s what it’s like”. I feel sad that more of this couldn’t happen with LastCD but I feel resigned to the idea that I may not hear from him again – just letting that go. I just wish this didn’t happen before V-day. I comfort myself with this small growing need to look for the alive things, the passionate things – doing things and going to places I wouldn’t necessarily go to before to look for my alive things, more of me. Right now, listening to beautiful music fills me up quite nicely and also gives me courage to carry on going : )

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 10:48am

  6. 6: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    “It is SO easy to define ourselves by what’s happened to us.”

    Very kind and loving – thank you Rori.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 11:01am

  7. 7: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the compliment Syreena!

    Yes I’d like to say thanks to Rori as well…Rori’s work has changed my life much like Dr. Atkin’s lifestyle regimen did. I SO used to be a skeptic of self-help, I thought it was dorky before (and still feel a little funny saying “I feel” or “that feels” but I’m working on it!)

    Thank you so much Rori you really are like a sweet fairy, and so darn soft and cute when you speak…just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…I can’t stand seminars but your speaking really draws me in…I like her vibe it looks so good on her.

    I wonder to myself, what vibe looks best on me? The genuine personal authentic one? And I wonder when you find the best one, what it feels like when you know it is the best one?

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 12:30pm

  8. 8: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Rori- very inspiring to read your post.

    You have such lovely energy. Reading you always feels good- uplifting and light-giving.

    Thank you.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 12:51pm

  9. 9: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Beloved!!! <3 <3 Thanks!

    I felt my feelings to the fullest, rejection, confusion, negative voices…… and I cried for few hours…

    I fell asleep and he called!

    It was such a nice conversation and ask if I got his text, and I hadn't… he said "hel&& why don't we elope "

    but he ask me in a very loving way, that it would help he feel my feelings were reciprocal if I would text him sometimes…. and I had a gut feeling last night I should have texted him back.. but I didn't.. b/c of what I've learned…

    I said I will text you on occasion and let you know I'm thinking about you…and just so you know I was so tired last night, that I could even think straight… and that his texts made me smile during my day….

    I'm really having a hard time not falling in love with this man already…. he is sooooo communicative and so open to being present with me and listening to me… AND I also know that this is the honeymoon stage… it's hard…

    Indigo was so right on when you told me that "look what you have to look forward to"… I've never dreamed a man like this even existed much less end up being smitten with me..

    I thanked him for sharing with me what his needs were….. and I'm happy to row a little more…

    I feel good crying out all of that crap in my head about what wasn't even true….


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 1:16pm

  10. 10: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    Rori will become a coach for business in a big Company soon

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 2:19pm

  11. 11: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    cause maybe her tools could be applied for business relationships

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 2:20pm

  12. 12: jaylenNo Gravatar says:

    I really admire your writing style, its great! :)

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 3:07pm

  13. 13: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Do all coaches need to push?

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 3:57pm

  14. 14: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose – 12 – No I don’t think so. Though it can work very, very well in many cases, it’s not for everyone. I don’t push. I prefer a more gentle approach; I prefer to encourage. And mainly because I don’t respond well to pushing myself, and I tend to attract women more like me, the ultra- sensitive, those who might cower in the face of pushing.

    Healing brings clarity, as we talked about the other day, and with clarity, you will find yourself making better feeling choices for yourself.


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 5:08pm

  15. 15: PearlNo Gravatar says:

    Struggling with concept of “warm and open” —

    My man of two months is on an intense business trip on the other side of the globe.

    Since I have known him, and for the first couple days of the trip, he has initiated contact with me daily and been an all-round step-up guy.

    So, he had been texting me throughout day 2 of his trip, and the text thread ended with me leaning forward a bit with “missing you”

    Then I hear nothing back from him. On day three of no communication I texted: “Feels weird not communicating for a few days – everything ok?”

    About seven hours later, I get a text from him:
    “Sorry! My phone was dead and lost charger so had to buy new one. Off to (another city) in the morning”

    Now here’s my question, and I know this all seems really subtle lol. Do I …
    a) text nothing back, no response required
    b) say “Thanks for letting me know!”
    c) say “Thanks for letting me know — don’t want to feel disconnected :) Happy travels!”

    Appreciate the Siren feedback. Only one of my real-life friends follows Rori, and she’s not available to chat right now …

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 5:32pm

  16. 16: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Hi :)

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 5:50pm

  17. 17: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m so exhausted from crying today and from dealing with my NV’s…. and trying to keep them in tact… I don’t mean control them but keep them from causing me to react…

    so,,,, my big question tonight for the Siren’s.. is..he ask me out for Sat. night…and i paused b/c I had tentative plans for Sat. night.. which I had said I have already been trying to get a sitter for the weekend…. and he ask me if he could ask why, I said b/c I have tentative plans for Sat night ….. anyways, he said do you mind if I ask for what… I felt a little odd … but decided that total honesty is what I want to bring to the table and I remember Rori saying if we Pretend to feel something or be something we aren’t….. so I told him… and then I said, do you mind me asking you about your plans for Friday night… (b/c I really don’t want to “move my plans for him” )( however to be honest I hadn’t entirely decided to go to this touch therapy thing yet..) so I was being honest… He said I’m spending Friday night with this amazing woman…. then it became this cute little flirty thing about me saying oh wow that’s great – well she is a lucky woman.. to spend Friday night with you… and then he said Well I think I’m the lucky one… it was fun, flirty and cute…. eventually it came down to him meaning me…

    Now here is the thing… V-day is a big deal and I’ve not been dating him long, so I feel strange about V-day… if he ask me out for Sat night.. I mean really it is too soon for me and him to really be Valentines… I think.. but I’m not sure what to do…

    I could just tell him I have a sitter for both Fri and Sat night and let him decide… which night he wants to see me…

    I mean as much as I’d love to spend V-day with him I also don’t want to come off as “needing to spend V-day with him” if that makes sense..

    I don’t expect flowers or chocolates etc.. since it is really early on…. and just a reg. date would be nice… I know men feel all kinds of pressure about V-day… ( they tell me this male friends of mine) so I’d rather nurture a good relationship than to have some hidden expectations to go out with him of V-day…to meet a need of mine for romance…
    and since he ask me about Sat night, I kind of suspect he feels it is too soon for V-day stuff…?? But I don’t want to be in his head…

    Gosh I hope I’m making sense… here…

    I wonder if there is a way to express my desire to just spend time with him… that’s all that is important to me… really to be honest just having him in my life ( which I feel so fortunate about) is special enough…


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 6:26pm

  18. 18: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    One of those funny feelings.. CaptainCD has been crossing my mind quiet a lot lately. Not feeling desperate to contact him and I am just feeling and experiencing those feelings. It is not a “I miss him” feeling, just suddenly a random cute memory of him cross my mind. I guess I am missing that, just the hanging out with a man part. It is so nice to do that, just to do things with a man and enjoy his presence; I did that with Captain a lot. I miss CuteCD too, he’s far away and has contacted me, I flirt just to flirt, but I need to be clear when he comes back.

    I want a partner in crime, cool guy to hang out and do things together and I want it to be exclusive and I need to know why he got so upset at me before he left; I do a see that I was being a bit “luzydel” instead of backing off. For now just listening to myself is enough, but I will start dating again when it gets warmer. I need to speak the truth to myself…

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 6:31pm

  19. 19: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa I’ll be having my 3rd date with NewGuy on Vday, only a week since our first date. I panicked at first too that it was too soon but then vday is about romance and I so love to feel romantic and romanced so if NewGuy wants to give me that.. I am open to receiving from him, as I am every other day, without expectations of what this means or where its going. It feels really good actually that he’s not avoiding the day. I have had 3 more requests for Friday and it felt so amazing to say I’ve already got plans! Its up to you but I would say yes :)

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 6:40pm

  20. 20: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla, that’s awesome. Rockstar it, girl! :-)

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 7:24pm

  21. 21: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I had a really nice date tonight. He’s very sweet, and even cuter than I remember when I first saw him. And even then I thought he was cute.

    When we were at the restaurant, I didn’t even look at the prices on the menu, I just ordered what I wanted. He even kept offering things I didn’t want and I had to say no to a couple. But I was so full. Lol. And then when the check came, I let him handle it without even making a move. And when he signed for it, I said thank you.

    Afterwards, we took a little walk around. Some people asked us for money, and he gave them some. It felt good, not bad.

    It’s interesting. It sounds like he works for some questionable companies, but he himself seems really genuine and pure and straightforward. From what I can tell. That’s the vibe I’m getting. And last night he said something that made me feel almost offended, and he was really apologetic.

    At no point tonight did he try to kiss me or touch me or anything. I was even kind of a little disappointed. Mama wants some snuggles! But on the other hand, it’s nice, and I feel relieved. Less pressure. Plus, taking time to know someone is good. Even with smooching. Sometimes in the first date it’s a lot. So maybe it’s a good thing.

    And then afterward, I was thinking, oh, he doesn’t like me because of xyz, and I’m too this or that and my life is a mess. And then I got a really cute text from him that said he had a nice time and sweet dreams : )

    So, that made me happy…

    Anyway. My first date in a while. And it felt good. Normally, I wouldn’t take a date on a weekday, but this felt okay. I kind of wanted something to break the week up anyway and make it less boring. Mission accomplished!

    Did I mention he is really cute? I kind of just wanted to smooch him the whole time. But I didn’t. Lol. It’s Valentine’s this week, but I’m not really worried about that. He just wants to give to me, and that’s nice.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 7:35pm

  22. 22: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:


    I feel happy to read about your date.

    Your energy feels really calm and peaceful through your words.

    That made me happy too.

    Have you given him a blog name yet?

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 7:52pm

  23. 23: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:


    I was thinking about the thing Andrea proposed a few threads ago, where we read the first line of page 45 of a random book and shared it. That was fun.

    So I’m proposing something new–

    What is something that you know now that you wish you’d known for a longer time of your life?

    I have two:

    1.) I wish I’d known the difference between “feelings” and “impulses.” That feels are true, and therefore unrushed. They’ll sit with you until you figure out what they are. Where “impulses” practically yank your arm out of the socket with urgency. It’s an “impulse” to call someone RIGHT NOW to tell him how you feel. And anything that tells you it has to happen RIGHT NOW is usually a bad idea.

    2.) I wish I’d known that those dark nights where I feel desperate and so lonely I’m scared I’ll cave in around myself in a black hole– that those nights do pass, that they’re just quirks of the calendar, and they don’t mean I’m unlovable, unloved, and doomed to walk the earth forever in a cloud of existentialist angst. That those nights will pass, usually quickly, and will almost always be followed by a day, not necessarily the next day, but a day, where everybody returns your voice message at once, and you feel wonderfully popular.

    What’s your thing you wish you’d known?

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 7:58pm

  24. 24: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:


    How was your therapy session? Wasn’t it on Monday?

    Let us know how you are doing.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:12pm

  25. 25: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Kyla 18 first congrats!!! on your dates and V-day!!

    I agree but the big thing here is he orginally ask me to go out on Sat. until I told him I had tentative plans and then ask him what he was doing on Friday that’s when he said spending time with a wonderful woman… SO not to lead here or row the boat….

    do I give him both days and see what day he decides to take me out? OR do I give him the option of Friday night since I really have both nights with a sitter…

    See I really, really want it to be his decision for it to be Friday night…. and not a default.. b/c of sitter issue… it honestly would be cheaper for me to go Sat. night…

    Yes, I’d be thrilled if he chooses Friday night…and I’d say Yes! for sure if he had originally asked me for Friday night…


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:20pm

  26. 26: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:


    I am happy that you’ve found a guy you like, and at the same time the last couple days when I’ve read your posts, I’ve felt myself take in a deep breath and think, “Whoa, girl! Steady on!”

    I don’t want to be the voice of doom and gloom, because perhaps he is “The One.” And I am saying to you what I would say to my best friend, so if I am being hard on you, please accept it in the spirit with which it’s meant.

    If you go back and read your posts when you were first getting to know “D” and you were really excited about him– you also said you felt yourself falling in love with him, he was so thoughtful, interested in your thoughts and feelings, made you feel warm and special—

    And I want to say to you, “Of course he’s interested in you! You’re fabulous! But that doesn’t mean he’s earned the right for you to fall in love with him. Or that you should lose your Siren perspective (“He’s just ONE guy!”) and get swept along in a tsunami of feelings.

    Yes, Rori wants us to find men who make us feel wonderful. As far as I understand it– that’s make us feel wonderful for the long haul.

    Maybe this guy is going to step up and be in the game forever. I personally am very wary of people who say things like “Let’s just elope” after so short a time. I have observed (learned from experience) that, as Friar Lawrence said to Romeo, “Wisely and slow! They stumble that run fast!” (And did Romeo listen? Nope. And see how well that worked out?)

    So– that’s what I’m saying to you, Siren Sister– “Wisely and slow.”

    I want you to be swept up in the safe and loving arms of Mr. Right.

    AND I think it’s imperative to remember that love should be- at least at first- a conscious choice, not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.

    So I don’t want to rain on your parade. I just don’t want you to put all your eggs in one basket and project all your romantic fantasies onto someone who hasn’t yet proven himself worthy.

    Hope that’s not harsh. It’s meant with warm and sisterly affection.


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:23pm

  27. 27: CupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Amber, Amber– you said you’d meet us over here on the next thread, and then there’s no sign of you. Are you hiding behind a tree? :)

    Just wondered. We last heard of you melting into a puddle on the floor of the machine shop.

    What next?

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:26pm

  28. 28: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Cupcake awww no way was that harsh… and I do remember “D” etc… so true! And I was able to let him go even though I was having these feelings of falling for him… yes! He wasn’t in the space to be available… and you are correct..he hasn’t proven himself worthy….and it is a balancing thing for me to manage my feelings and try and hold them steady…

    Rest assured that if he doesn’t step up and prove himself, he won’t get me… that I’m very confident in..

    and yes, I want to try and reign myself in more…

    I agree!

    however he was flirting and joking… he said that.. on the phone… he wasn’t serious…. good thing b/c otherwise, I’d been like you and said whooa horsey…… lean way way back…

    I feel heard and loved thanks for reading my posts and giving me sisterly advice… <3


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:41pm

  29. 29: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Oops sorry Lisa I misread that.. well I would still look at it the same way, he wants to spend time with you and you feel good with him right now, that’s what matters so tell him when you’re free and let him ask you out and enjoy his company without expectations of what it all means. Vday is not important to me at all but I know it means a lot to some people. Could you see him on Friday as just another date and not as ‘valentines’? Would you feel disappointed if he asked for Saturday instead? Its so so early to have anything invested in him.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 8:43pm

  30. 30: KylaNo Gravatar says:


    I wish I’d known that I didn’t have to work hard, sacrifice myself and be impressive to be worthy of anyone’s love, affection and time.

    I wish I’d known it was ok to cry when in pain and ask for help when needed. That if I said NO it wasn’t the end of the world. That being a girl wasn’t a bad thing.

    I wish I’d known that I didn’t have to be ok all the time. That I could admit weakness.

    I was raised to be a high achiever, nothing was ever good enough. When I did achieve I needed to be “taken down a peg” so I wouldn’t get a big head! I had to be stronger, smarter and more capable than any man because I should be able to be motherly and do it all in lipstick and heels too. I was the one everyone leaned on, I was the strong one that my entire family leaned on. All my friends needed something from me. I didn’t have anyone that I could lean on. I was superwoman and I was exhausted.

    I know better now. I want to be a real life role model for my daughter and son. I am thankful for Rori. I am still strong on the inside but I feel better being soft on the outside. I love being a girl.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:02pm

  31. 31: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omg halfway down and i feel burrrrsting with smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i so am on this!!!! yayyyy

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:40pm

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    growing my BOY YES YES YES :) :) yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:41pm

  33. 33: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    also I’m just saying this for myself… I haven’t fallen for him, just sayin it is hard not to… b/c of the fact that…. part of me wants and needs that so much….

    and still I can find where that part of me rushes things… I’m curious about that part of me… I’ll sit with her and find out why…

    I’m not interested in commitment yet … or sex… for sure…


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:41pm

  34. 34: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you BOY!

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:41pm

  35. 35: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Kyla me too I was raised that way also….

    well said..

    @Daria <3


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:43pm

  36. 36: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Kyla yes I can just have it be a date! Sure!

    I might be a little disappointed since he already said he was spending it with a wonderful woman.. and then later said that was me…

    but your right, no investment yet… and I really need to not have expectations or have a vibe of “you better choose Friday” kind of thing… so i’ve let go of my desire to see him on Friday and then if he chooses Sat… I’m good with it…

    how is that???

    I realize my needy little girl shows up more when I’m tired…..she needs me not a man…


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:46pm

  37. 37: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    sigh, i feel near the end

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:47pm

  38. 38: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((Lisa))))))))) :)

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:48pm

  39. 39: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla 29

    Thanks for sharing that. I feel like I know you better now.

    And I am glad you know those things now. X


    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 9:49pm

  40. 40: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I just had a date. It was my first date through the matchmaker! OMG, I was so worked up about it before…on the one hand, I was setting myself up to be disappointed and on the other hand, I had really low expectations because of my past experiences…and it was somewhere in between. First of all the guy looks just like the brother in law DEA agent of Walter from Breaking Bad! I mean not that I’m super attracted to him but I just love the character. So it was really weird to be sitting across from someone who looked just like him, his face, his build, exactly the same. Unfortunately he didn’t have his charisma though. He was pretty serious. Of course maybe it was first date nerves and he’ll lighten up but I dunno, I get the feeling that’s who he is. On the other hand, he was very interesting, smart, and accomplished – so light years beyond the men that I’ve been meeting recently so that was fantastic. I find what he does to be really interesting and I enjoyed listening to his stories. He asked me a lot of insightful questions and seemed to really listen to me and be interested in what I had to say. So Anyway, all in all it was a pretty darn good date! So I’m happy that I bit the bullet and decided to sign up with the matchmaking service. It sounds like he wants to see me again, and I’d like to see him again, but I also want to continue to go on dates with other men. I want to get my money’s worth! hahahahaha!!! I just wish he could have lightened up!!! OMG, so super serious!

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 10:18pm

  41. 41: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Cupcake, this is what I wore…beige heels, beige jacket, white stretchy shirt, blue jean jeggings, beige purse.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 10:38pm

  42. 42: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa, I would totally leave it up to him whether its Friday or Saturday and be totally fine with it either way. Yes, I think v-day can put enormous pressure on men and its way to early to have any expectations or have him feel pressured in any way. Just let it happen organically and not let the v-day thing impact things at this early stage at all. Just be happy that you have met someone interesting and are getting the opportunity to get to know him, let it evolve naturally over time. Just my 2 cents.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 10:43pm

  43. 43: SyreenaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon, it’s feels concerning to me when you say that he uses your vulnerability and feelings against you to spite punish you. It is implying to me that he then knows what hurts you and uses this information to hurt and punish you at times. And that makes you not feel safe to express anymore. Have I got that right? To me this sound like it is harming you and isn’t doing you any good, that is is causing more distress to you. Do you think it’s a good idea to keep expressing and being vulnerable sharing what feels bad if he uses your vulnerability and feelings against you to later do these things that he knows make you feel bad? What do you do when he does this? Do you get yourself away from him and go and cry and then do something nice for yourself? How do you handle that. I can imagine that must feel very painful.

    Rori, Dominique, what would you say to Shannon or someone in those circumstances, wouldn’t it best in some circumstances with some people if this was happening to stop doing expressing if this was happening. If the person we were being vulnerable to and expressing, opening our hearts to was then using that information, knowing what hurt us to carry on hurting us because the wanted to hurt?
    After all we know there are some people out there who do that and who get pleasure seeing distress in others. I feel concerned that Shannon has written this,just like there are some people who Physically beat up others there are also some who emotional do this and in some cases even get a kick out of it.
    Battered womens shelters are full of them, it’s not just women who are physically beaten up who end up in shelters like that.
    There are people who have been emotionally beaten up and battered too.

    I vaguely remember in the past where Rori was saying to someone that it was no longer doing them any good to carry on being vulnerable and expressing certain things with a man. That if after doing this and he wasn’t able or didn’t want to step and wanted to no longer do things that hurt them to up to take that information that they has learned and realize that wasn’t working and was just causing themselves more harm and distress to carry on sharing and being vulnerable in that way.

    A bit like people who are vulnerable with people who are emotionally bullying them and the bullies use that information against them to hurt them even more.

    Have you any advice, tools and tips on what to do and for how women to keep themselves safe after opening themselves up like that. Rori you describle this as unzipping and exposing ones heart. If someone then chooses to try and damage ones heart then, how would you advise that they pull the zip back up and get away from them? And would it really be safe to unzip and expose again with them?

    What do you think?

    Shannon, I hope you manage to find away to keep yourself emotionally protected and safe.

    Wednesday, 12 February 2014 @ 11:10pm

  44. 44: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @LiquidLight OK that’s what I thought…. I actually am very happy to have met someone very interesting…. :-) <3 Thanks!!!!

    I'm up from 3am to 4a can't sleep…

    I let go of my fears today and cried… now they are coming back… hummm

    processes – processes… what do you do… just have to work through them…


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 1:04am

  45. 45: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @LiquidLight so happy to hear your dating service date was good…. <3 Glad to hear he was light years ahead… I know that feels good…


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 1:07am

  46. 46: SyreenaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa I feel confused didn’t he already say he was spending time with you on Friday?

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 2:13am

  47. 47: NermoNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Sirens,
    Some good news and progress. It feels so good when things happen smoothly and when you say things knowing that they cannot be wrong when said to the right person.

    Yesterday my date called me. I was determined to share with him my feelings regarding the valentines date invitations i received from other guys (weve bee dating for 3 months now). I wanted to share with him that I was feeling confused accepting these invitations and that i felt happier being with him on that day. He was responsive, and he told me that he feels like an “ass hole” and that he never took valentines seriously and he is disturbed that i am getting invitations. He asked us to meet.

    We met at the evening over drinks, he spoke directly and shared his feelings with me. He said he liked me a lot, and wanted to “frame” our relationship. I was quiet most of the time, listening with an open heart, smiling, and nodding and happy smiling whenever he said he liked me. And the time came for me to respond, to give my speech (i was actually speechless).
    So I used Rori’s tool, the mirror technique of looking into the persons eyes, like my own, and speaking from the heart on what i authentically feel. this is what i said..

    ” I feel warm hearing your words, and i feel safe and at ease when i am around you..i like it when you make the effort to spend time with me..” ..”I see myself in a solid relationship, long term, i don’t want to be just a girlfriend”.. he said he does not understand me.. so i repeated the whole thing over again, then he said:
    “I think of you long term, i would want to propose to your parents”..”i know this sounds scary for you, and it is also scary for me”, “i would not like it if you date other men romantically, or meet other men, i want us to be together and i want to know you more”.. I said ” i don’t want to put on you any pressure, this makes me feel bad..i want us to take our time and i also want to feel sane and secure being with someone who wants what i want”. The i stopped

    I felt i would be getting suborn hanging on the word of “keeping my options open and seeing other men”..he said he is ok with me meeting my guy friends and having coffee/dinner with them.

    Even though there is no concrete outcome in this whole talk, i felt so empowered giving my speech, and i felt closer to him. What i like about him is that he speaks his mind, he does not play games and he acknowledges my wishes. He said he likes in me that i love myself and that take care of myself. Wow that felt awesome! He is really caring and protective.. and all of this feels totally new and different for me.

    I will continue to be taking care of myself, which means i don’t want to drag myself unintentionally into an exclusive relationship that does not have time boundary. I am open for the experience and feeling every bit of it.

    Love to all

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 3:09am

  48. 48: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Posted on last thread. Not sure what happened to it. Seems posts go into moderation for some reason…hmmm

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 5:44am

  49. 49: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    @Syreena He did but not with plans… only when I ask him about his plans – then he said spending time with a wonderful woman… I said she is a lucky woman,, he said I think I’m the lucky one… so it was a flirty kind of banter…

    OK I’m snowed in.. deeply… here in this area we don’t have the preparation for this type snow… roads and everything is closed… I get to stay in and play in the snow with my child….

    The movie that was mentioned that brought up such a stir that is Black and White with the Alpha woman that can’t figure out why only married men want her…. Can someone tell me the name of the movie – I’d like to watch it… Thanks!!

    Also since my child watches the Adams family so much I wanted to get your take on if the mother on that show is what we call feminine.. I think so…the way she gets Gomez to fall all over her and kiss her arms etc…. just curious…

    I’ve been reading about Alpha females… and I’m partly Alpha but not entirely… I have leadership personality and I’m confident etc… and decisive etc… but I’m not overbearing and controlling and I don’t have that mentality… I’m certainly not Beta either… so I guess I just fall in between somewhere…


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 7:56am

  50. 50: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa – 16 – BREATHE, and if you want to spend Valentine’s Day with him then do so, and ENJOY whatever it is he’s wanting do for you and give to you. Receive and allow. And try not to analyze. :)


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 8:27am

  51. 51: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    It was Andrea who saw the movie. Its called Dear Heart and stars Glenn Ford.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 8:44am

  52. 52: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Syreena and Shannon – 42 – Whenever there is physical, I will always encourage getting out and immediately. When it come to emotional abuse, sharing/expressing ones feelings can possibly shift things; letting the person know how awful things feel can also help shift things.

    In this case, nothing has shifted, i.e. I would venture to say this is not a man worth expending any more time and effort into.

    Shannon is aware of this, and it has been suggested by me and Rori that she find a way out.

    She is now taking steps to do just this.

    I apologize Shannon for talking about you without you being here.


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 8:47am

  53. 53: SyreenaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Dominique for your answer, I didn’t realize this had been suggested.

    Shannon, do you think sharing your distress maybe putting yourself at risk for even more distress if he then uses this to punish you or hurt you more.

    Apologies if I have read it wrong. I wish you and you your daughter well in whatever you decide is the best for you both after weighing up all your options.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 9:03am

  54. 54: SyreenaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh see what you mean Lisa. Hope you ave a great Valentines day. X.

    I don’t like not having plans in place myself it makes me feel anxious.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 9:06am

  55. 55: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Nermo, that all sounds awesome! Congrats on all your great progress and results! You go girl! :)

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 9:43am

  56. 56: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Nermo Yay :) That felt so good to read. Well done for loving yourself and taking such good care of yourself that it really shows!!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 10:58am

  57. 57: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light I’m so glad your date went well and your outfit sounds gorgeous :)

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 10:58am

  58. 58: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Purple I saw on the last thread you said vday is important to you and your guy has hockey practice. Have you told him how you feel? I would start of saying “I feel silly about bringing this up but its vday on Friday and I’m just a girl here and it’s important to me. It would feel so good to do something to celebrate the day. What do you think?” Something like that.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 11:03am

  59. 59: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Kyla. He was so serious though and my ex was the direct opposite, really fun and great sense of humor. I’m really feeling the loss and the disappointment and the sadness of not having that anymore and feeling like I will never find that again. :(

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 11:07am

  60. 60: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Liquid Light)))) Might be first date nerves, trying to make a good impression or maybe he just showed up to remind you that interesting, handsome and successful men are out there and you’re attracting them :)

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 11:58am

  61. 61: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, I’m realizing I want interesting, handsome, successful AND fun…just like my ex…ugh

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 12:04pm

  62. 62: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Pearl – you need to know how to text and talk in Feeling Messages and Poetry!!!We’ll help you – first get the ebook for the basics, then Love Forever for how to use the poetry specifically…OR – just take a couple of sessions with one of my Certified Coaches…Love, Rori

    Basically I’d say… “ooo…feels exotic!…” then keep up THAT kind of communication. NOTHING about the relationship!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 12:29pm

  63. 63: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Kyla…thank you. What you scripted sounds good.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 1:28pm

  64. 64: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Cupcake!!!! <3

    Thanks Syreena <3


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 2:06pm

  65. 65: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Had a crunchy-feeling awkward day of fights with WM.

    First, though, I went to a zumba class and found myself crying as soon as I started to move my body! That felt surprising. I could sense all the pent-up emotional stuff in me.

    At lunchtime we argued in a cafe, and he got up to pay and then walked off without saying anything to me. We only live five minutes walk away, so it’s not like he totally abandoned me. Still, I felt quite strange that he walked off and left me.

    Later, we had another fall out. I was irritated because he was in his computer as usual. He offered to go and get us a takeaway for dinner, and he was asking me impatiently. I felt angry and indignant. What’s with his impatience when he would still have been inside his computer if I hadn’t come downstairs and gone past him and into the kitchen?

    So, I said something like that. Something like I don’t want to hear an impatient tone of voice when it’s me who has started the ball rolling about dinner. He offered to go out for food and I was again saying I didn’t like his impatience.

    Okay I know. I was not respectful.

    He said “You can get your own dinner” and flounced out of the kitchen.

    My jaw dropped. He was gone. Then, all of a sudden, my indignance was gone. I felt light and relieved. I giggled out loud! And laughed some more. I felt delighted at the chance to make myself a simple meal with no negotiations, explanations or conflicts. I felt so peaceful. I put the radio on and listened to a play, whilst I cooked something easy and quick. It tasted delicious. And I felt the best I had felt all day!

    I had no bitterness whatsoever.

    I decided to apologise by way of making him a cup of tea and taking it to him. I knocked on his door and when he opened I was smiling and warm. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! It’s like I was completely neutral towards him.
    I held out my offering. He looked at me and said “Wow, that’s a big smile”. I smiled a while and then walked away.

    Still feeling neutral towards him. And feeling happy and loving towards me!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 2:24pm

  66. 66: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    wow, way to go AprilRose!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 2:44pm

  67. 67: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens!
    Cupcake, I’m here but nothing to report. I’ve planned a movie date with myself for Valentines Day since I have not heard from (T). I am just reminding myself that he ALWAYS disappears for a little while when our relationship steps forward. I just think of it as “processing time,” and I fill myself up. I heard from (K) a day or two ago. Just a text and hadn’t heard from him in nine days before that. I think I’m over it, as he was never my cup of tea to begin with, so I just didn’t reply That feels good to me. I am crazy-busy with the re-writes for my mother’s wildlife appeal so all of my free time is being spent on the computer. I am keeping up wit you ladies, just no time to write anything myself. Love to all!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 4:03pm

  68. 68: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens,

    I’m having a bit of a problem. I am having a hard time leaning back, and letting the man pay when we go out. I’m comfortable with him paying most of the time, but I feel bad if I don’t pay for little things from time to time–especially if I’m the guy’s girlfriend. When I spend the entire weekend with J, I feel okay to let him pay for two meals or so, but by the 3rd meal, I start to feel guilty.

    I am baby-stepping it, and leaning back when I feel anxious when the check comes. But as J and I start to get into a serious relationship, I am really starting to feel guilty about not contributing anything financially.

    Often times I feel overwhelmed with anxiety that I at least offer to pay for little things, like leaving a couple of bucks for a tip, or buying us coffee.

    Another thing that I do is I offer that we cook at my house. (We cook together, not that I cook alone in a servicing act kind of thing.)

    Any thoughts, ladies?

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 4:09pm

  69. 69: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    *Oh yeah, or I oftentimes ask if we can share a meal, because I don’t eat a lot.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 4:09pm

  70. 70: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    Great going AprilRose! <3 Happy for you!

    @Amber good luck with your re-write.. Happy V-day! <3

    I got some rest today and was able to see that when I'm that exhausted that I become kind of needy… not to him, but just that I think more thoughts about him or I tend to go into I need a man mode….. not sure if that makes sense….

    I was able to see this today, and REALIZE that, I don't want to get Smitten with him this soon… and I'm not sure I feel so comfortable with his request to me to text him during the day … maybe I do and maybe I don't… I don't want to feel I'm chasing…

    I wonder since the last 3 relationships the men have gotten a little irritated b/c I don't respond to their texts or calls ( if they don't ask me a question or it needs replying to- I don't) they just want me to show some reciprocation… so I'm confused about the Tools and the last 3 men's requests…

    However, I'm feeling stronger today in regards to not getting too attached to him right now…

    I don't have any circle dates for now…. just him… but I'm continuing my dating myself… and I think I'll buy myself some flowers tomorrow, if I can get on the road in all this snow and ice…

    Today was good I focused on me… and my children.. and had a pleasant day…


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 4:16pm

  71. 71: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iris I believe it is okay to offer to pay the tip or some small thing especially if you have been seeing the guy for a while. Just that your comments suggests that you are working yourself into a fit unnecessarily. I encourage you to offer to pay a little here and there and see what he says or does. Also you will get to experience how you feel when you do.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 4:35pm

  72. 72: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, I agree with FW…

    I had the opposite problem last night on my date. I was told that we were meeting for a drink (the matchmaker sets it up) and that they suggest that you should offer to pay for your own drink. So that’s what I was prepared for. But when I got there, he asked if I wanted to have dinner so I said yes. But when the check came, I politely offered to pay for my own meal and he let me!! I was taken aback since I had assumed when he asked if I wanted to eat that he was going to pay for it! Kinda disappointing.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 4:46pm

  73. 73: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused. If you offered to pay your share, why would you be taken aback if the offer was accepted? I agree that if he asked you to have dinner, he should pay, but then I wonder why you offered?
    THANK YOU! The re-writes are going well
    You are not alone in feeling more ‘needy’ when you’re tired. I get this way, too. I try to imagine my exhausted little girl, ready for a nap. I hug her and tuck her in, then I either go rest myself, or drink some coffee, LOL.
    Re: texting, Lisa, why not create a boundary that you will reciprocate a certain number of texts throughout the day? This can also depend on how the conversation is going. If he says, “Good morning beautiful,” I would respond, just as if someone said that to me in person. Then, I’d leave it, let him continue to make an effort. If, after two or three more exchanges you have had enough texting you could say something like, “I feel like (doing fun activity) so I have to set my phone aside for a while.” If you’d rather get actual phone calls you could add something like, “I would love to hear your voice again…”
    Hope this helps :-)

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 5:35pm

  74. 74: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Amber, I was just being polite and didn’t want to “assume” esp with the way it had been set up… I *really* thought he would turn me down though!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 5:40pm

  75. 75: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    poopers… Dear Heart isn’t available for streaming on Netflix…. :-(


    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 5:51pm

  76. 76: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:


    It is February and the full moon is with us again. The second full moon of the year has been known to the indigenous peoples of north east America as the hunger moon or the snow moon due to the difficult hunting and heavy snows that are part and parcel to those cold and dark winter days. Regardless of where we are though or what season we find ourselves in we can be reminded that dark, hard and lonely times can and will be part of any natural cycle. We may experience this in different ways, whether we are by ourselves physically, lonely in our spirituality and missing a connection to our higher power, or simply feel we are lost and off our path.

    These times in our lives are natural (as they are a natural part of the cycle of the planet) and can even be thought of as useful. After all, nothing we experience is pointless or without use. Everything that happens or does not happen carries within it a kernel of truth and an opportunity to understand our lives and ourselves a little better.

    These are times to find stillness and sit within its embrace. These meditative moments can lead to acceptance of ourselves and the world around us. So often the usefulness of the moments endured (not enthusiastically lived) is not realized until well after the light begins to shine once more, when we look back and realize how strong we have grown emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When one can harness that realization of strength it opens up more doors in the bright times than we could possibly see before we knew how strong and capable we were.

    This is the lesson of the hunger moon – that we can endure hunger – that our perseverance makes us stronger – that our lights will shine brighter when our heads poke up out of whatever funk we may find ourselves in. We must never forget that no matter how alone or empty we feel love and companionship are always just around the corner. Spring will always come to follow our winter. There is no fighting what is. Only though acceptance can we find movement, through movement we find strength, and through strength we find new horizons and new opportunities.

    May you persevere through your dark times and have the strength to accept them and see the light and opportunity that are on your horizon.

    Peace Respect Love

    Written By the Baobab Tree Writer

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:00pm

  77. 77: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    LL ok that’s my deal breaker right there. You didn’t say he was no fun AND agreed to go dutch! if he let you pay your share I’d say next! I almost always offer the first time too, I was taught it was polite and its a hard habit to break but the guy always immediately goes about shooing me away from the bill and insisting its on him. If he let me pay my share I would and then I would drop him asap.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:24pm

  78. 78: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, Kyla, it felt yucky and the more I think about it, the yuckier it feels. was going to give him another chance but now I’m not so sure. heavy sigh. frown face. sad eyes…having such a hard time with men right now…ugh

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:29pm

  79. 79: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    Sooo it’s valentines and for the first year ever I am dating a guy who made plans to take me out. He also got me a gift. Feeling good today, hope you all have a lovely day too xx

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:31pm

  80. 80: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    yay, Zia, that’s great to hear!!!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:34pm

  81. 81: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    I hear you girl. I’m feeling so turned off by the guys in my rotation that don’t step up, don’t respect that my time is important, don’t put in the effort, leave a week or more between contact. Bleugh.. it feels icky and effortsome.
    Archer got all huffy with me today because he finally asked if I want to meet this weekend and I’m booked. He actually said “oh well your loss” instead of arranging another day. That felt infuriating and hilarious at the same time but mostly just turned me off.

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:44pm

  82. 82: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    oh brother, that does seem so lame! But I know you have a fun date lined up for v-day, Kyla, so I hope you have a great time!

    I’m going out with a girlfriend tomorrow evening and am totally happy about that. Of course, that may change when I see all the couples out together tomorrow night,yikes! Anyway, all of you ladies that do have v-day dates, have fun!!!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:54pm

  83. 83: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and I’m taking my aunt out for lunch tomorrow to a restaurant that she’s been really wanting to try. So I think that will be fun too!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 6:59pm

  84. 84: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    He was a man a dated briefly at the end of last spring. I met him on He picked me up in a 1962 white cadilac and took me to the Country Club and then out for a moonlight stroll on the lake front at the state park.
    Over the next couple of weeks he helped me with my chemistry homework from one of my college classes, and he hand painted beautiful crysanthymums on a pair of high heel shoes for me. He wrote me a poem…
    I stopped seeing him because my toxic ex had come back into the picture and ugh ugh ugh…

    Tonight, was my poetry slam competition. Not only was it an absolute scary exciting blast, and I came in the third place and won a money prize… but Caddie Man was there. He was there, just surprisingly, as one of the contestants. He made it into the second round and by then he knew that I was there as well. So he took out the poem that he’d written about me and he said, “This is one of the best love poems I’ve ever written and it’s about someone who is here tonight.”

    Afterward, he came up to me and asked if I was single now… yes. And could he have my phone number… : ) YES!!!

    I was so happy and just energized from the whole night. I went out to my truck and was just bouncing and giddy and a group of guys came out of a neighboring bar, they were just making noise and having a great time. They walked by me and we all exchanged fun words about the weather and having fun and it was somebodies birthday. I got in my truck and started driving off, when one of the young men… YOUNG men came trotting back to me.

    He said, “Hey.. ” as I rolled down my window on the passenger side a little bit… “Hey.. I think you were a teacher of mine once.”
    I totally giggled and said, “No. I’m not a teacher.” I was laughing.
    He said, “Oh good, cause that would have been so awkward. Are you going home already?”
    Of course I was. (Us oldies have to get to bed.. hah!)

    He said, “I just know I know you and my friends think this is just a line, but how can I see you again?”

    I just told, “Well, If we do see each other again then we know it was meant to be.” And then I told him goodnight and drove away so cool as you please.

    It was one of those kinds of nights. Just surprising and fun and NEW!!! Another man came up and gave me his card. He told me he is from a radio station and he wanted to know if I would please call him and come and recite my poems for his radio show.

    I just… I felt like .. just new, new adventure, new surroundings, new people, new activity… and I was energetic and bubbly and it was so cool!!

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 9:27pm

  85. 85: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Iris – 68 – Cooking at home together sounds like such fun – you can play your own music, cook whatever you want, dance around, wear whatever and can be as loud or as quiet as you’d like to be : )

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 9:44pm

  86. 86: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea thats so great!!! I love nights like that :)

    I’m feeling really good!!!
    Work has been going amazing for me. I am a designer and where I work we design our own prints in addition to clothes and accessories. When we started designing this new season I was really frustrated with print design, but REALLY wanted to be successful at it. After a few works of hard work, my boss picked not one, but two of my print designs!! I feel light as air and also so surprised! Yay!

    I also have Valentines plans…..with a guy friend who at one point was interested in me, but I don’t feel romantic towards him. We’ve been able to still be friends and go swing dancing together. (That’s how we met.) So, tmrw night we are going to a burlesque show together and there will be dancing! I’m so excited! I’m also happy I’m spending it with him because he’s proven to be a gentleman. I told him I prefer talking on the phone, now he always calls me instead of texting. He’s picking me up tmrw and also planned the whole night. Got the tickets and everything, so I don’t have to worry about a thing! (He did mention me paying him back though, which is ok since I told him I wasn’t romantically interested.) I’ve realized that I’ve gotten used to men treating me like a sexual object and it feels really good to be around a man who doesn’t treat me like that. In fact, I feel very honorable around him, haha. So, I’m glad something inside me has switched to preferring to be with a man that makes me like that rather than the former…
    I’m planning to wear a red vintage dress with a neckline shaped like a heart. I can’t wait to wear it and I know I will feel radiant in it. Anyway, happiness is happening. :)

    Haven’t heard from my ex regarding paying for my cable at all. Not sure what is happening with that….

    Thursday, 13 February 2014 @ 10:51pm

  87. 87: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea that felt so inspiring! I felt lifted up and excited. Wow!

    Millie it feels good to hear you’re enjoying yourself and congrats on the designs!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 4:52am

  88. 88: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light enjoy your lunch and girls night out. I’ve been dating me, my kids and my girlfriends lately too and its made me feel more fun and playful again.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 4:54am

  89. 89: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    WOW he called tonight and than towards the end of the convo…. which by the way was awesome…

    he ask about the sitter and plans… I left it up to him to choose what day to see me… he chose tonight…

    I feel good around this man so far, I feel free to be who I am… and I feel got! For the first time in my life I feel like someone gets me without me having to preface, or explain or clean up a mess b/c someone misconstrued what i said…

    I slept so well and I’m feeling at ease about tonight…


    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 6:10am

  90. 90: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea – 84 – Wow. Loving your energy and what’s coming to you because of it. <3


    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 6:32am

  91. 91: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    #71 @FW- Thanks, that’s how I’ve been feeling most comfortable—paying a little here and there.

    @LL, Amber, & Kyla,

    I feel glad you ladies are elaborating on the subject, because this is exactly what makes me feel very anxious! I was taught to be polite too, and offer to at least go Dutch. But I also find myself “testing” the man, and having the expectation for him to decline my offer. And that’s when things feel inauthentic. It’s almost like I’m setting myself up for disappointment. Many men I know politely allow me to pay my share—even the True Blue Ones.

    Much of the advice that Rori offers is relatively easy for me to follow, but allowing the man to pay ALL THE TIME without offering is the one I am having most problems baby-stepping. Rori says always let the man pay, but I wonder if this “rule” is one I don’t feel comfortable to “follow”. (I know they are not rules, but rather tools to practice.)

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 7:34am

  92. 92: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica-85- Yup, it’s totally fun. Last week J and I broiled some lobster tails, and shrimp. It was amazing!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 7:36am

  93. 93: EmmaNo Gravatar says:

    Iris, I agree with you about paying for things. I live in an area where salaries are very low, but I telecommute for a company that’s located in a big city. As a result, my salary is easily 3-5x that of any man I have dated here. I have gone out with some really hard-working, good guys but I know they can’t really afford to go to the places I like, and it makes me uncomfortable to expect them to pay all the time when I can so easily afford it and they cannot.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:03am

  94. 94: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    On the subject of paying, remember that, when you do a little leaning forward here and there, just lean back more in other places; and be very grateful for the less tangible or obvious things.

    Like make up for a paying something with some gushing when he opens the door or when he picks you up or other manly things.


    For myself right now… I realized that I am starting to feel angry, but for the first time in my life, it’s a very “clean” anger.

    Most of the time, I’ve felt deeply, bitterly ashamed of feeling angry. Like I had no right to be angry at a guy who was paying the bills. Or other reasons why it felt never ok to feel angry.

    But this time, you know what, I just feel honestly, genuinely angry. I look at some of the things he’s done, and maybe because I did my apologizing… I feel angry.

    He turned every light in the house off and dumped stuff in front of my door. When I came out, I was completely in the dark and I fell down and injured myself. It was very painful and I felt really angry. This is an ongoing argument and this time, it was the addition of something placed there to trip me…

    And I just felt pain; and plain, unadorned rage.

    I realized too that I’ve been suffering so much pain and frequently burying my anger because I felt I had no right to it.

    Very confused right now. Feeling so much anger that I can’t seem to make anything clear.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:42am

  95. 95: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    That’s great to hear about your designs being chosen, Millie, congratulations!!!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:50am

  96. 96: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    It’s awesome to see so many Sirens who are on fire (in the best possible way) here!

    I feel inspired when I read your great progress, thank you!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:59am

  97. 97: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iris I don’t understand it as a rule to follow at all times. As you move forward with a man, especially if you have been together for a long time it is okay to “offer” or at least experiment with offering so you can know yourself more and know the man more. A lot of men tell the woman no when she offers.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:14am

  98. 98: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon I am angry. I keep being reminded of Celie in The Color Purple. Life will take care of you. You stumbled onto this blog for a reason and I do believe that things are going to get better for you.


    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:19am

  99. 99: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes, I can feel that life will look out for me. I also sometimes feel that “inner core” that can never truly be compromised, by anything.

    But then something happens that shakes those convictions. The first time, I lost a child. I had felt that sense that, no matter what you do to my body, even my heart, there was that certain indefinable “something” inside me that could never be touched.

    Then I lost my child, and it was so hard that I couldn’t even imagine or remember that place.

    I’m not sure that I’ve ever really found that place again. And it’s from that place that the certainty used to come that ultimately, everything would be ok.

    Now, I just don’t know. I feel so lost in it all. But now there’s this rage in me that I finally feel okay with accepting and allowing. Beyond it, I can feel very little beyond resignation.

    He chose this. He chose to treat me the way he did. He chose to act the way he did. He chose to toss us away.

    I suddenly had this view of him like a guy who won the lottery. The guy is standing there, and he’s crumpling up his lottery ticket. Someone else is, like, “dude, what are you doing? You won millions with that ticket!” He says, “I don’t want to be bothered with going to get the cheque.”

    That’s what happened here. He won the lottery. He has two incredible, amazing girls… and he just threw us away because he didn’t want to be bothered…

    And I’m finally realizing… that really IS all HIS loss. It really is.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:32am

  100. 100: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Millie, that dress sounds beautiful!!! Wow, you are going to look stunning in it!!! Have fun and flirt like crazy (since its not really a date)! :)

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:37am

  101. 101: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    LIsa, have a blast tonight! Be light and fun and enjoy!, don’t let things get too serious/heavy. Just my 2 cents.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:41am

  102. 102: cupcakeNo Gravatar says:

    Valentine’s Day.

    It just really makes me feel triggered.

    I’m just saying.

    Come on, Saturday the 15th!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 11:50am

  103. 103: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    Emma—95—I feel glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way!

    FW—97—yes, as I grow much closer to someone, it feels wrong for me to not offer to pay sometimes. I feel comfortable with allowing the man to pay in the beginning stages of courting, but it starts to feel less comfortable when we are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

    Right now, I just want to move past these feelings of anxiety.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 12:17pm

  104. 104: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a very lovely Valentine’s Day date.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 1:37pm

  105. 105: April RoseNo Gravatar says:


    Something that works for me with a man who does most of the paying is to ask “Will you let me buy you a coffee?” (or whatever. Try not to make it something small, rather than a whole restaurant bill!)

    “Will you let me pay for this?” “Will you allow me to return the favour?” is great because it allows him to say no and keep on paying. And believe it or not some men feel great paying for everything.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 1:41pm

  106. 106: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I meant try to make it something small !!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 1:42pm

  107. 107: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    And asking him these questions shows that you are not taking him or his money for granted.

    And, it shows that you are happy being the girl.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 1:47pm

  108. 108: PearlNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome, thank you Rori!!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 2:09pm

  109. 109: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    @April Rose,

    That’s a fantastic suggestion! I like asking those questions rather than just plain out saying that I will pay. When I plain out say that I will pay, it feels like masculine energy. Thanks!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 3:43pm

  110. 110: IndigoNo Gravatar says:


    You are SUCH a siren! :)

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:35am

  111. 111: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose 105,

    I love it!

    That’s what I do. “Will you let me pay for… ?” Most of the time they say “nah” with a twinkle in their eye, but they know that I don’t take them for granted.

    And I agree, there are many men who feel both comfortable and very happy paying for pretty much everything.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 6:02am

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