How To Deal With Over Eating And Weight Loss – Is It Necessary To Dig Up The Past Or Blame Love?

Here’s a letter from Kat, who’s struggling with an old love, and new weight – and feels that unearthing their connection will help her.

I have different thoughts and ideas about all of this – and I see a light at the end of the tunnel just up ahead!:

“Dear Rori,

I am writing because I finally decided I need some outside help and I have read your letters for the last 3 years, getting a lot out of them. I wish your programs were around in 1986…. which is when this all started.

I fell in love with a professor in my junior year in college. We had a long time relationship even when we quit dating and I got married to another man.

The last time I spoke to “the professor” was 2004. Since then I have fought with obesity (never even thought about being heavy for 30+years).

I have been trying to figure out just why I have turned to food and believe that this stretched out, passionate, fully connected then not, relationship and the feelings I still have about it and my anger at my past decisions when dealing with him have me questioning how I can get closure so that I can finally deal well with the leftover emotions…

This is the only issue in my life that has haunted me which makes me think that it is the root cause of the eating disorder (gluttony) I now have. What do you think? Suggestions on how to get this man OUT of my life and my emotions back on track to get healthy? Kat”

My Answer:

Kat – For me (and I’m not an expert, or a doctor, though I’ve been working with doctors at the vanguard of auto-immune disease for many years now) – weight can be worked with in many ways. Eating disorders can be worked with in many ways. (I’m going to talk here just about weight you feel is more than you want to carry on your body, and we can talk about eating disorders like bulimia and self-starvation and body perception disorders and self-inflicted pain like “cutting” in another post where I can get an actual expert to talk with me about it…)

For me, starting with trying to tie anxiety and our personal cure for anxiety (eating for you) to something in our past is, to me, a waste of time.

To me, it’s old-fashioned psychotherapy – and in the time you’re taking to think about it and search for the “instigating” moment – you could be handling the situation quickly NOW – and at the SAME TIME healing the past – with more modern techniques.

New methods of healing emotional wounds and how they’re manifesting in the present are the way to go.And here are my total random thoughts on this subject – let me know if there’s anything here you haven’t thought of or done yet:

I love Andrea Albright. She does “Spiritual Weight Loss” and talks about how food works and how chemicals in food wreck you and put weight on you…just good information. Get her newsletters. Follow her instructions about WHAT foods to stuff yourself with!

Marianne Williamson just wrote a book about “spiritual weight loss.”

Coaching is an amazing thing, and can reframe a lot that’s going on in our heads.

As far as the body stuff – to me it’s about health and the body, and secondarily about the brain. If we’re hungry for something – love, affection, food – we’re hungry.

I’m ALWAYS hungry, and I eat a LOT.

I can out-eat most people easily.

Sometimes it’s about emotional hunger or boredom or worry – but most of the time, I think it’s about hormones, and enzymes, and what my body can and can’t absorb and use and get nutrition from, my thyroid (be sure you get tested by an ALTERNATIVE doctor – a regular, western doctor does not check for anti-bodies and allergies, and Hashimotos Thyroid and high AIC, doesn’t see bad “numbers” until they’re in the bad zone, and by then, you need heavier treatment), and what my organs are doing inside my body.

For me, I like to start simple – with food itself.

So what if you like to eat all the time?

I say – focus on eating what works for YOU! (And you’ll likely need to do an elimination diet and get tested to find out more about that in yourself). Easy way to start is just eat lettuce, vegetables and meat, (if you’re a vegetarian, I encourage you to get tested and do some personal research with your own body to see if that’s actually hurting your particular body….regardless of how you feel about eating animals – it’s important to know the truth about what your body needs and doesn’t before you decide mentally what you’re going to give it to live on…) and…

…stop all gluten and sugar (even fruit) until you start to see a pattern of how your body is reacting to food.

I like this: Eat as much as you WANT. Carry stuff with you. Drink tons of water.

Find an alternative doctor – a naturopath, or Chinese medical doctor – who can run new kinds of tests to see if perhaps you’re actually ALLERGIC to some foods. There are people out there who can help you with this, just as there are recovery coaches and AA and Chinese medical doctors and naturopaths to help you with alcoholism and drug addiction.

It’s WAY easier to never eat anything with sugar in it than to try to be “reasonable” about it. Food addiction is just that. Addiction. And there are all kinds of levels. Your brain is one, and your body is another…many levels.

I’ve noticed that my appetite changes with the supplements I take, and the foods I eat, and the kind of exercise I get – and I see this happening with EVERYONE I talk to who’s interested in new studies about health. I also think it’s totally different for EVERYONE.

How about you focus on making yourself a “study”?

Find a good new-fangled alternative doctor or practitioner who has a great track record for weight loss, uses real food, understands body chemistry and psychology, who won’t STOP until SHE finds out what’s going on inside you and fixes it!

I’ve learned this over time – I need to take myself, my daughter, my dog and cat to one doctor or vet after another until one actually gets results. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if I LIKE them – results are the key here. And a lot of the time, it’s not about a diagnosis (which I hear you looking for) – it’s about some trial and error, some testing – and tracking how you feel and your results. Sometimes, it’s about treating the symptoms HOLISTICALLY in order to find out what’s going on with you.

Then you take this method out into love and dating – and you have Circular Dating!

About the mental part:

My tools are meant to get you deeper in touch with yourself. That means, that as you settle into yourself, sink into your feelings even when you’re feeling heavily triggered and emotionally intense (especially then) – the old stuff is going to come up.

The resolution for it all is to NOT resolve it. It’s to love it. To FALL IN LOVE with it, with yourself, to whatever happened to you,to whoever was there with you when it happened to you, or around you.

You simply cannot choose to harm a body you’re in love with. It’s not possible.

If it’s calling out to you for food – feed it something! Feed yourself EVERYTHING you can! Feed it love and affection by showering YOURSELF with love and affection and FRIENDS who’ll touch you and hug you physically and emotionally.

Don’t hold out on your body when it’s hungry – give it food and water. Just make choices you’re working out methodically.

The extra weight is simple. It’s there to protect you. Your desire to eat is a part of you that’s madly in love with you trying to HELP you. Trying to give you a gift of love and safety. To YOU, in your conscious mind as Kat – it may seem like a harsh, miserable, self-destructive thing – but to the part that wants you to eat, it’s a gift of LOVE!

And as you work to shed some of the protective pounds – the part of you that’s trying to protect you is going to become afraid and scream at you. You can count on this. Be prepared. And really, really HEAR this part of you scream. Really, really LOVE it with everything you’ve got. Embrace it. Forgive yourself for every NOT loving it, or even THINKING there was something “wrong” happening here.

This is a process. It can go fast or slow – that’s up to your determination.

You can DO this. HE, or ANY “he” doesn’t matter. It’s not ABOUT “him.” It’s always about you, and what’s happening for you now, and no kind of “closure” will help.

In fact, learning to love NON-CLOSURE is where your healing and happiness is.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

1,196 Comments to “How To Deal With Over Eating And Weight Loss – Is It Necessary To Dig Up The Past Or Blame Love?”

1: Femininewoman says:

Sensitive issue

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:29am
2: Calypso says:

Wow ~

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:29am
3: Goddess Lily says:

My psychiatrist figured out some of my emotional issues were from vitamin deficiencies. She ran a bunch of blood tests my regular doctor never thought of, which I totally appreciated. I felt so annoyed that my regular doctor never ran any of those tests.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:33am
4: Laughing Goddess says:

I love this post!!!

I’m love to eat!!!

I feel happy to report that I made a new dish last night and it was a success. Gyoza, Japanese dumplings. I’ve lived these things for so long, since traveling to Japan, but they aren’t really available around here. And now I know how to make them!!!

I’m feeling more empowered around my relationship with food lately.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:38am
5: Laughing Goddess says:

Goddess Lily: I’m a big believer in how vitamin affect mood. Have you noticed a difference? I’d love to hear more about your experience.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:39am
6: Goddess Lily says:

LG,

I experience myself as more level now, more able to feel but not feel hopeless. Granted some of that could be ending a relationship that was stressing me, while also learning to process my emotions with Rori’s tools and this blog. Either way, I’m not ready to stop the vitamins to test it.

I am very interested in taking care of myself more naturally now. If anyone has had any success wih herbal supplements or what boy, I’d love to hear about it and learn. My friend just ended up in the hospital over some antibiotics that was attacking her liver.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:49am
7: Tam says:

Hi lama..intrigued? I am no longer feeling intrigued.
Fed up, turned off and amused though.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:51am
8: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so excited about the new things I’m learning about nutrition. I was told that I’ve had a glow lately and that feels great!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:52am
9: Daria says:

‘Women, Yin essence and the mysterious complexity of the female ejaculation
The male species has long been baffled by the mystique of the female‘s sexual intricacies, most notably in the west. While studying anatomy and physiology in massage therapy school, I became curious as to where the fluid that is secreted through the urethra during female ejaculation actually comes from. I figured the fluids must not be stored in the bladder since the fluid is not urine, so I decided to do a little bit of research to find out exactly what was taking place physiologically. I compared both western and Taoist understandings.

The western medical understanding of this phenomenon is still somewhat shrouded in mystery and is the subject of much intrigue and speculation. There are, however, two main opinions on where it originates.

One opinion is that the female equivalent of the male prostate, the paraurethral or “skenes” glands, produce a clear, light fluid with similarities to semen when they are stimulated. Somewhere around 30 glands are embedded in the erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra, known as the urethral sponge. Stimulation to the Gräfenberg spot, commonly known as the “G-spot”, activates the glands to produce a fluid in the same way that stimulation to the male g-spot, or prostate, causes a secretion of fluid.

Another idea is that the kidneys release a substance into the bladder, which is an altered form of urine. The hormone aldosterone is thought to change the chemical composition of urine during sexual arousal. This idea provides a link between the western and Taoist understanding, where the kidneys store sexual chi (or Jing), and are thus responsible for creating these sexual secretions.

The understanding of female sexual energy according to Taoist sexology involves the concept of “Three Sacred Waters”.

This first water is released through stimulation of the “first gate”, otherwise known as the clitoris. This type of stimulation activates the paraurethral glands, which empty into the urethra, and the Skene’s glands, which have their openings on either side of the urethra.

The G-spot, which is the second gate, releases the second water. It is located on the upper anterior wall of the vagina. When this area is massaged, women often feel the sensation of a full bladder. This makes sense since during arousal, the kidneys produce ejaculate through the release of the hormone aldosterone into the bladder. A woman must be completely relaxed to experience the flow of this second water. Massage of this sacred spot can induce intense emotional reactions, but with an open, loving heart, it is possible for deep healing to occur as a result of it’s activation. Deep, guttural sounds and the activation of the voice/throat center helps to activate this gate. Some women have reported that it was easier to achieve female ejaculation and multiple orgasms when emitting deep resonant tones from the belly during orgasm. This might be due to stimulation of the vagus nerve, which goes from the cervix and uterus up through the abdomen and chest cavity, into the neck (innervating the voice box), and to the brain stem. It connects to all of our major energy centers (chakras), so when a woman engages her voice in sounds that come from deep within the belly, she opens herself up to experiencing intense levels of pleasure and high states of being.

The third water, which western research has not touched much on, involves the woman to experience very high levels of arousal (a level 6 or 7 orgasm) in order to release the fluid stored in the porosities of the uterine wall and vaginal lining. The reason western research hasn’t explored this yet is because many women never actually reach this deep stage of orgasm that Taoists have such an affinity for. The third gate, or epicenter, is located on the top of the anterior side of the cervix. The cervix contains many ducts that can be massaged skillfully with the fingers (sexual reflexology), toys or penis. Entering from behind allows better access to the cervix, and the Taoist technique of spiraling the sacrum proves to be much more ideal than just thrusting to activate this gate. Direct stimulation to this gate can lead to an intense opening of the heart, so trust is very important since feelings of love and vulnerability are often felt.

Women are YIN essence–Deep, mysterious and watery as the ocean. They possess the capacity for vast and virtually inexhaustible pleasure, which far exceeds that of men. The power of feminine sexuality can be intimidating and even frightening, since they have the power to conceive a life within them as well as the ability to tap into this boundless source of bliss.

Unfortunately, many women have lost touch with the cool, earthy, fertile YIN essence, and have developed mostly superficial YANG characteristics. The media, early social conditioning and religious dogma are just a few of the many causes of this disconnect from true YIN essence. Women often don’t value their YIN softness and feel the need to be aggressive rather than loving in an aggressive world dominated by male YANG characteristics. Women have come to look to the “governing” male for sexual satisfaction, buying into the “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” mentality of modern sex, failing to realize that the unrestrained and powerful sexual energy already lies within.”

Nicole Tancredi

http://www.ascensionshore.com/2010/08/women-yin-essence-and-mysterious.html

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:54am
10: Iamabutterfly says:

@7 Tam – hey, you! I guess I feel intrigued because I’ve been feeling similarly.

It feels curious that he felt angry when you said “just friends.”

To me, that shows that he must care about you as a least a little more than that.

or wants to be perceived by you as more than that…

I’m sensing that you’re not communicating everything to HIM that you’re feeling.

I get the sense that he is completely clueless because you’re making assumptions and not telling him how you feel…

I feel extra intrigued because I think that’s my problem with Jack CD…

He’s just clueless and I’m not communicating my frustration…

Guys can’t read us the way we can read them…

I don’t know I just feel curious about this whole clueless guy/frustrated girl dynamic…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:57am
11: Linda says:

I lost 40 pds when the love of my life poofed on me 5 years ago…. I had no appetite for months. Food is not a comfort to me. I do love to eat though.

When the last man and I parted ways… I have lost 30 so far. I have yo-yo’d all my life. He wanted me to be slim and trim…’have that vixen look” BS… man! Go to the gym he would way… when I met him I weighed 134 pds and I am 5’5″ he was not accepting of that…I did not even try to please him.. that is not a relationship. He told me that it was a “turn off” to him to see me eat dessert… all the while he was eating it. He sat around and ate, complaining he was not happy with his body shape. When I think back.. I am still ANGRY at all the conditions and hoops he put out there. What a mind Fu*k! NEVER again.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:04am
12: Linda says:

I have been eating what I want, just in limited quantities. I do not feel deprived or on a rule fest. It feels freeing and right to me. Funny at 53 I have lost and gained weight so many times… it seems to be in my genes. Kinda sucks

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:08am
13: Iamabutterfly says:

@11 Linda – sounds like this had everything to do with his dislike of HIMSELF and nothing to do with his dislike of you.

also, some men (like my dad) just like super slendor women.

but there are PLENTY of men out there who will love you exactly as you are.

and that’s the kind of man you want!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:09am
14: Iamabutterfly says:

there was a guy who “would’ve been” attracted to me, if I just “lost a little weight.”

Granted, I could have easily “lost a little weight,” but it would have been for HIM and not for ME.

My body is MINE. I want someone who loves IT, as well as the SOUL INSIDE.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:11am
15: Calypso says:

@ 9 Daria – Thank you so much for posting that!

I have just recently changed in the way that i climax and at age 48 have started experiencing ejaculations – the first few times it was shocking to both me and my partner . . . In 23 years of marriage, I NEVER had that happen – I was never relaxed enough, never felt that deep love and trust.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:11am
16: Iamabutterfly says:

the guy found himself a little 115 pounder. Good for him, I say. I haven’t weighed that much since I was prepubescent and 11 years old…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:12am
17: Tam says:

Lama, but I tried to talk openly and authentically with him.
I said it would feel soo good to see him (two weeks ago). I spoke only in feeling messages and it was pretty clear that I was soo looking forward to catching up.
All I got was a ‘this is a meeting not a date’, he didn’t offer to pick me up and he let me know on the evening last minute – there was no way I would have been able to go there, even if I had tried to get a taxi, it was way too late.
He is totally afraid of rejection, this has always been the big thing. So he rejects first.
Of course he is angry at the ‘friends only’, he wants me to adore him and run after him. And HE wants to be the one to reject and tell me that ‘ no, I do not want relationship right now’ – I bet he already had that on his tongue for when things got rough again. And he is moving to Europe anyway, planning to.
I have decided to get off the train. Stop the patterns from repeating. I thought we could maybe rescue the friendship, but not like that.
He always used to pick me up and ask me for boating even when I was in a relationship with someone else. Now, suddenly I am supposed to run after him. I have no inclination to. None whatsoever.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:17am
18: Annie says:

Tam says:

“he is not a man, or a friend, who wants to ‘make me feel good’. It is more important for him to ‘get his way’ and I realise that now.
Just after I said it would feel sooo good to have advance plans – the day after he texted me at 9pm, saying ‘I am here at so and so bar downtown’.
I refuse to see that as non-connected.
I would not even have been able to make it there within an hour even with a taxi.
He knew. He was just teasing me and it was because I had said ‘I would feel better without last minute plans’.
His way of saying ‘I am boss here’.
I just can’t be arsed anymore, bottom line. I have been slapped one time too many.”

I hear you Tam.
It does appear like he is testing your boundaries.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:19am
19: Iamabutterfly says:

looked up my healthy weight range. I’m in my healthy range, though in the upper part of it.

I am okay with that.

It’s better than hating myself and obsessing…

I FEEL LOVE FOR THIS BODY. WITH ITS DOUBLE D Breasts, hips, hourglass shape.

I feel soooooooo triggered….

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:19am
20: Tam says:

MrP is totally in love with me and doesn’t know how to handle it. That’s what I choose to believe.
He’s acting out.
Can’t support him with that at all.
If he didn’t have any feelings for me, he’d just be totally light hearted and say ‘I’ll pick you up’, or ‘maybe you can come down and I drop you off home later’….he wouldn’t pout and say ‘I am not buying you a drink bla bla bla’.
Remember, I knew this guy a little bit before things got complicated between us. He acted quite different, not afraid to show how he felt.
He even used to sneak hugs from me.
Now he is like a tortoise in shell – tells me everything.
He has to get over himself before I even agree to meet him again.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:21am
21: ruth says:

Hm

My fat protected me from male attention and sex

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:23am
22: Annie says:

Also we have to be in a place of being relaxed about if he steps up and does what we want.
And not really bothered as we have other options and the right man for us will want to give us what we want.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:25am
23: Iamabutterfly says:

@Tam – I think I understand. It does sound like he is testing your boundaries.

It’s like he wants your company, but like he wants you to chase him.

but it also sounds like you wanted to spend time with him after hearing “this is a meeting not a date?”

after I had heard or read that, I would have said; “a meeting doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t want to meet. I want to be taken out. It would feel great if you would if you made the plans and arranged to pick me up.”

but it sounds like you’ve already done that…

to which I say, good for you!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:26am
24: ruth says:

Tam
I hope you dont reply at all

and go out with the new aviator man and have a blast

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:26am
25: Tam says:

Lama, I already communicated last year how I felt, and he got scared and said ‘I would prefer fwb’.
Which is also bs and defense. Sigh.
He would be the last person on this planet who could do fwb’s without getting attached. He gets super clingy….which is why, at a guess, he is afraid to go there…issues, issues.
A man who jumps up at me when I am going to the bathroom and says ‘where are you going??you are not leaving right now, are you???’ – and I have to say ‘I am just going to the bathroom!’ – that shows me what is really going on inside him.
Like I say, I know the man.
Doesn’t mean I want to see him again, because in order to remain safe, he continually steps on my toes. It’s too much.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:27am
26: Tam says:

24 Ruth, I am not replying. What happens is with the non-reply, however, that it will most likely have him intrigued and getting in touch again.
Whereas if I ‘let him have it’, he will be gone for at least three months. The latter option seems somehow preferable.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:29am
27: Francesca says:

LiliBee @740 (previous thread)

Yes, power to me! Thank you!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:29am
28: Iamabutterfly says:

If Jack CD should approach me again…(which for some reason, I don’t think he will)

I feel disconnected. I feel unsure what you want from me…

I don’t know what else to say…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:31am
29: Francesca says:

FW @ 748(previous thread)

Hi Francesca, welcome back. Here is something I had saved “it doesn’t feel good chasing you by phone. It feels good to let you lead the communicating. It feels good to hear your voice”.

“It feels confusing when I hear nothing. It feels so much better to be kept in the loop. I feel kinda crummy waiting around for people”.

You could also consider how many times you have spoken about this with him and if you believe he gets it. If you think he does then maybe choosing the Sirens way might speak more volumes that FMs. That is “leave him be. Drop the conversation. Get out there cdate to improve sense of self. See that there are other men out there. Grow opinion of yourself and shift your vibe”.

*************

Sweet! This is great! Sounds similar to what I want to say to him. I feel powerful yet vulnerable right now, big knots in my stomach and I don’t want to feel that way.

Thank you for this and your welcome!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:33am
30: Linda says:

Iama…. just EXACTLY !! how I feel. I do like being thinner though. Improves my vibe. I tried on a leather corsett on Saturday I liked what I saw! haha

It truely was all bout his dis-satisfaction with life and himself. Poor man… like I said the more I come up against the “Do wants” it makes cleared and easier to spot and feel the real man for me and my LIVE IN THE LAND OF MY… “do wants”.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:35am
31: Tam says:

Lama, after the ‘meeting not a date’ I did send him a message saying that this felt bad to me as I have never suggested it was anything, meeting or date and was simply feeling happy at the prospect of meeting.
That’s exactly what it was.
Now though, things have changed.
He is not testing boundaries, he is trying to trash them. I used to chase him and ‘look after him’. Then the dynamic changed earlier this year as I had a bf. Then he started stepping up and chasing me.
And I am not going back.

You know, actually, I think he is scared to pick me up. He is scared of what it means, how he will feel, how I react. What my expectations are and his.
Usually when we have not seen for some time, we will meet with common friends – and this is what he is trying to do to keep the pressure off…when he feels safe, he will start inviting me and picking me up by himself. I thought we were over that already but I realise it is always going back to square 1.
I feel for him, because I know what is going on.
But I just can’t be bothered with the nonsense anymore. He’s got to jump over this hurdle if he wants to see me. If he doesn’t then I am not seeing him. Friends or otherwise.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:36am
32: ruth says:

Tam, yeah but if he does get in touch you dont have to reply

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:36am
33: Iamabutterfly says:

@25 Tam – whoa.
how long has this been going on?
how would you describe your relationship?
does he take you on dates?
flirt with you like crazy?
Do you sleep with him?

any guy who says “fwb” to me is OUT.
that is my big N-O boundary.

actually, any guy that i feel attracted to/have feelings for that says, “friends” is OUT.

I believe Rori recommends saying “no” to just friends if you have feelings for a guy…

there was one guy friend that I felt unsure about, but I kept getting mixed signals, so he is officially and will ever only always be “just friends” to me. and I can handle that, especially now that he is married, Lol.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:38am
34: Tam says:

22..Annie exactly. The mind boggles why I would, for instance, take a taxi to have a chat with MrP, when I have guys lining up outside my door taking me out for dinners, let alone drinks (and buying them), and my friends doing the same?
Why would I?
Yes, he is great company, but so are other people?
Does he really believe I am so low value, a puppy dog spending my savings for the privilege to meet?
Well, no!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:39am
35: Iamabutterfly says:

@31 Tam – lol, he sounds so much like Jack CD. the only time Jack CD ever steps up is when he sees other guys showing interest in me.

if Jack CD can see that I’m alone with no guys after me, he is much less masculine. (but honestly, this is rare. guys almost always pay attention to me, unless I’m falling back into old patterns and closing off my heart.)

I want 100% freaking masculine.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:41am
36: Francesca says:

Annie @744 (previous thread)

Oh, I so get what you’re saying, you have no idea!

I’ve been in some situations where I had to say no to something only to find them trying to make me change my mind.

It happened while I was with my family and work people too.

One year, I didn’t feel like going to the office XMas party for various reasons but the main one was that I didn’t like these parties, I found them boring and I knew I would’ve felt better doing my own stuff at home.

Well, I heard about it every single day until I had to sort of get mad at them for insisting so much.

What difference did it make if I was there or not really? Absolutely none, they had a great time and I was glad about that and told them so.

With my family, well…I have too many occasions where it happened so I wouldn’t even know where to start.

So yes, just like you, I know what’s best for me and I have no problem disappointing a few people along the way.

It’s their problem, not mine.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:42am
37: Tam says:

Lama, this has been going on for over 2 years. This year I had my boundaries and it was no sex bla bla. He totally respected that and we did stuff together every weekend…then he said he wanted a relationship and he would even marry me (for papers, so he said) and bla bla…when I was free from my bf – for other reasons – he got scared and retracted on the relationship thing…as soon as I was back in Europe.
I never pressured for anything at all…so I just said that I wouldn’t want to be fwb as I am looking for a committed relationship. To which he said ‘we want different things’. But all the time he never had anyone else (well, he might now?), I have always dated others….and we were pretty close.
But it’s a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong story.
Too long, too boring and time it is over.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:44am
38: Tam says:

I dumped him a few times…and he me….kind of a mess it was for a long time.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:45am
39: Daria says:

im feeling triggered reading some stuff about suking energy out of women (for men’s health)

although most of what i read is that women are close to boundless in the energy, one text i first got triggered by said “the poor woman got sucked dry”

ouch that felt so scary icky and awful

especially that i was reading about how to turn the woman on (to ready teh energy to be sucked)

and i felt great and trusting and loving and excited because i was following the techniques in my imagination and found things i can share with my men of how to turn me on, and some issues i could now heal – like how to avoid nipple sensitivity, etc)

it was stroking a woman from middle fingers down

and especiallly her inner elbows, that will draw energy to her breasts into her head and down the front of her body to her nani

and i was like whoa i Got it in my imagination of how it flows

and then also to nuzzle her necck not bite it at first because breathing ‘wakes up her skin chi’ and i Remembered that sensation too!

so i was feeling excited having learned these things and then BAM

sucking women dry ack that felt awful

smh

people have had a lot of mindissues i feel glad im healing

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:46am
40: Daria says:

i like health at every size and Reagan Chastains blog about being fat and healthy

http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:48am
41: Tam says:

Lama,hmmm….he didn’t know for a long time that I had a bf, I just said I was dating…..I felt bad for keeping it to myself. I only told him that this guy was my bf when he said he wanted a relationship…eek. I made a lot of mistakes too, but I thought we wouldn’t meet anymore if I told him the truth. And when I said that my bf would marry me so I could stay in the US, he said he would as well…if it was a ‘win-win’ – if it meant he could stay in Europe.
It was a bit of a mess.
No wonder he never felt safe with me.
Both made a lot of mistakes.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:48am
42: ruth says:

Tam

I feel a little apprehensive saying this but you still seem to be so invested in mr p, what he thinks, what he does

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:49am
43: Tam says:

Sorry I am spamming, guess it needs to come out. But I feel at peace with everything.
There is no going back with this one.
It’s not meant to be.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:49am
44: ruth says:

daria
re fat and healthy

I was living proof of that when fatter
Not a day off sick in work for over 22 years, got round marathons(albeit slowly), survived years and years of sleep deprivation etc

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:50am
45: Tam says:

Ruth, yep, the email has thrown me a bit but I am just verbose right now because I don’t want to talk to my friends about this….it was a big story at the beginning of the year.
I have to let it out sometimes.
But I am over the romance of this, honestly. It is no longer existent, and after that email the friendship isn’t either.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:51am
46: Daria says:

yah im toally getting the elbow thing

imaginig it my heart thumps and liquid feeling heat warms my hand and then kina throbs down over my nose to my nani

and then if a guy was to nuzzle my neck nad breathe it would totally turn me on more

and then if he would worshpifully take my breast nipple and not start roughing it right away but take some tiem to hold it in his mouth and then… suk on it… oh wow tht would feel so good

ok i guess the ancient icky stuff is giving me treasure as in no longer needing the pain and icky stuff but using this good stuff to learn to turn myself on

yay

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:52am
47: Tam says:

35 Lama, that’s funny, 100% masculine.
We deserve no less.
No crumbs anymore.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:52am
48: Daria says:

ruth – ouch at survived years and years of sleep deprivation

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:53am
49: Iamabutterfly says:

((((Tam)))) – Sounds complicated. and exhausting.

“Uggg, so he calls me up and he’s like, “I still love you,”
And I’m like… “I just… I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
We are never getting back together. Like, ever”

<3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:56am
50: ruth says:

I had to daria

they werent very kind to baby doctors back in the nineties

Not a stranger to 72 hour shitfs with no sleep

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:57am
51: Daria says:

Reagan’s blog at ‘dances with fat’ makes me feel so happy!

i used to feel more caught up in thoughts i found about being fat like that it’s unhealthy etc

until i started reading her blog
it healed a lot of my mind thoughts and perceptions

yay!

whew

so now i often feel way more relaxed aobut such things

and don’t find myself judging as much which feels so peaceful

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:57am
52: Iamabutterfly says:

Tam, I like your spamming! It feels curious and healing for me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:58am
53: ruth says:

Still, for the last three years i have had a job with no on call at all

lower “status” but So worth it

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:58am
54: Tam says:

Interestingly, the only thing I do feel right now is embarrassed at oversharing on here, and angry at having lost two hours of work over nonsense.
Ha!
Really, pff. Not worth it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:58am
55: Daria says:

“A few things that I stand for: I believe that everybody of every size should be treated with respect. I believe that it is impossible to tell somebody’s health based on their weight. I believe in giving people correct information and affordable options for eating and movement, and I believe in respecting whatever choices they make whether or not they are the choices I would make. Below you’ll find more info about me, or look to the right and click to check out my blog. Happy Surfing!

I’ve been lucky to have had a lot of opportunities and experiences in my life. I’ve been a cheerleading captain, a multi-sport varsity athlete, my class valedictorian, a National Merit Scholar, and played Carnegie Hall. I’ve been sold for air conditioners in West Africa, published two books, started two successful businesses and won three National Dance Championships. Currently I am a corporate CEO, and am seeking my first world professional dance title.

But all of that pales in comparison to my greatest accomplishment – learning to love myself and my body, and to be truly happy living completely outside the cultural beauty norm. As a plus-sized professional athlete, I am a strong advocate for Health at Every Size and Behavior-Centered Health. I unwaveringly believe (and am living proof!) that health is not about body size , and that we are all free to stop buying into the idea that our size determines our abilities or our opportunities for success.

I started blogging when I realized that there were people who believed that if they couldn’t get skinny they should hate themselves, and people who had never moved their bodies for any reason other than to try to change the size and shape of their bodies. I never want to tell anybody how to live, I respect other people’s choices about their bodies just like I want my choices to be respected. I blog to present options that work for me and my readers are free to take what they want and ignore what they don’t.”

Reagan Chastain

http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:59am
56: Starla says:

When I feel low or depressed or defeated, I eat stuff with cheese/dairy. This is a food I absolutely must avoid (except for greek yogurt with live cultures).

I hurt myself in this way when I’m hurting. It’s all I really do anymore to hurt myself, though.

Love to me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:59am
57: ruth says:

45
Tam, it feels good to read that

I was feelign anxious

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:59am
58: Daria says:

yeah i feel triggered about allopathic doctors not living on a healthy nourishing schedule

i think it contributes a lot to malpractice

feels scary

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:00am
59: Tam says:

Thanks Lama…and now I need to recoup two hours of work, when I was partying with aviation man too much yesterday and feel like death….
I also wonder how cool it would have felt to have woken up with aviation man and then read the bs email this morning. At least I’d have had one urge taken care of and might not have needed to spam so much.
Maybe a case of sex-deprivation.
Ha!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:00am
60: ruth says:

54

Not oversharing tam
thats what this blog is for, isnt it?

so you then dont have to say such stuff in real life to people like Mr p

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:01am
61: ruth says:

Daria, in the UK docs now cant work for longert than 13 hours at a stretch

Too late for me though

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:02am
62: Daria says:

do i want an exhausted overwhelmed depressed person cutting clots out of my brain

hmm

well it would feel better to have a rested, nourished, happy and in=tune person doing it

iot might feel way different

like making love in the 2 states would feel different

i feel annoyed that medical practices in hospitals are still run like in an “at war” scarcity spartan emergency way

hmmm

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:03am
63: Tam says:

45….and Ruth, to add to that, if that friendship was to recover at all (not even mentioning the romance here), he would have to do a lot of work. And he won’t. And there is no chance in h*ll, I would even consider now, going down there and helping him with his tatt. Not a freaking chance.
I mean, maybe after about 20 boattrips, a few dinners, a few pickings ups and a few drinks. Else: he can pay someone to do it.
Last word.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:03am
64: Tam says:

60, yay Ruth, that feels good, thank you.
No, in real life I speak with silence now. Totally. No more energy

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:04am
65: ruth says:

64
Excellent tam!

I hear you daria

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:05am
66: Daria says:

lol last nite’s cd was def showing up to help me heal

he had a lot of characteristics of my “typical” typecasting/judgement of men i judge to be ‘like him’

airheady, not skilled at connecting w me physically, pff,

the kinda stuff i judge

and i kept praciticing staying with myself and remaining open

NOT FORCED SMILING LIKE IVE FOUND MYSELF DOING AROUND THESE .TYPES*

instead i looked “constipated” (this depresssed upset worried look i have that this other guy called ‘constipated’ the other night and though i feel a bit triggered im loving my constipated look)

plenty , and just let myself feel all that and knowing its ok to feel what i feel

including grouchy

hgggh

(((Daria)))

well actually teh second time he kissed me he got a lil more bold and did turn us both on!

go surfer guy! (he looks like a surfer, blondish w blue eyes, very cute actuallY)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:10am
67: Daria says:

now i got a text from him

“Good morning…Thanks for hanging out with me, mad my day. ). Hopefully I wasn’t too rash, it’s been awhile since i’ve been around such an intriguing woman like yourself. I woke up wondering if it was too much, but i don’t think so. All n all, I obviously find you very attractive. And I just got nervous that i was boring, among other things. I felt like a kid on his first day of school lol. ) “

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:13am
68: Starla says:

So I really must confess to feeling *almost* as wrapped up in CF-stuff as I was when we first broke up.

I constantly think of him and getting him back.

Constantly.

It’s not quite “painful” like how it was 6 months ago, but it’s certainly not a comfortable feeling.

Very uncomfortable. Like, I need to make a choice and DO something about this feeling. Either contact him with my gut that something is definitely still there and try to work with him to overcome some issues, or double up on taking care of myself and ‘getting over’ it.

I have been slacking on taking care of myself quite a bit lately since my trainer quit two weeks ago, and that’s about when all this pining for CF resurfaced. So starting today I am recommitting to taking amazing care of myself.

I’ve not been working out, I’ve not really been eating right, I’ve not been doing many of my self care rituals at all. Some nights I fall asleep without even washing my face or brushing my teeth!!

And I’ve been smoking a lot of pot, when before I had stopped entirely.

It’s like I’ve abandoned myself and the old habit is to chase down a man to find myself there. Except I won’t find myself there.

So I’m re-orienting myself down the path to myself.

Love to me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:17am
69: Daria says:

hehe this feels fun dating different ‘kind’ of men

i usually like to date overwhelmingly black american men, sometimes some black carribbean men, sometimes men of any ethnicity that are masculine in a hood ‘street’ style

this guy is notlike that, i think he’s white american, he’s not very street in his style, although he’s open as I see from his friends – they are street and actually a diff guy ive dated brought me to his house – and habits, but his persona/stance/ personal authority is not like that of a masculine street guy

he was more like wacky and talking a lot whcih i felt a bit drained by “scowly constipated face” but IT HELPED SO MUCH FOR ME TO NOT PLAY ALONg

i mostly talked in moany noises. hmmm… humf. mmm… ahhh…

that felt really great for me in my body. did not leak my energy out inauthentically

and also noticed the ‘forced smile’ thing wwas draining me, so i dropped it, een feeling anxious that i will look like im not appreciating and enjoying my time (I actually was able to enjoy it more by doing so, instead of widning up feeling all tense and like im wearing a cardboard box on my face (what i feel when i do the fake smile)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:19am
70: Daria says:

i date quite a lot of different men all the time

i feel hounded and judged by judgements that ‘something is wrong with me’ for bieng comfortable with men of a particular style, and a particular ethnicity

it feels so triggering!

and i want to heal this

i even date widely so i can say look im PROVING that im open to diff kinds of men, see im ‘normal’ im not wierd dont judge me

i feel relaly uncomfortable talking about this to a wide audience too.

i only talk about it to people who seem to understand without me talking about it

i feel a lot of panic and shame

and even the other day i felt judged a bit

and i AM glad that i feel more comfortable with a wider variety of men

but i really want to just totally heal my fear of bieng judged

my ‘issue’ with this

cuz it comes up all the time for me in my head

or is it that i feel addicted cuz this provides some “drama” and exciting feelings for me?

like feelings of being ‘good’ because see im opressed and judged and therefore worthy and a heroine

hmmmm

i still want to heal all this

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:28am
71: Daria says:

its like i walk around vibing ‘judge me i dare u to judge me’

or i know youre judging me

or wheatver

all in my head

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:30am
72: Daria says:

and then of course, pulling in the experiences from ‘out there’

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:30am
73: Annie says:

Rori says.

“It’s WAY easier to never eat anything with sugar in it than to try to be “reasonable” about it. Food addiction is just that. Addiction. And there are all kinds of levels. Your brain is one, and your body is another…many levels.”

It seems so difficult to do this for me and my family, unless I always eat at home and cook everything from scratch.
So many things with sugar in or if not aspatamine which I believe to be even worse.

I did watch something recently about how sugar affected to body and particularly the liver and how white bread turns to sugar in the body.
Fructose corn syrup also being really body.
Basically was saying the body was able to cope with sugar as occasional treat which is how our ancestors treated sugar and always after the stomach was full so didn’t effect our blood and liver so adversely then making the body addicted to the cycle of high, crash high crash etc.
And the problem being today that we have sugar in everything and sugary treats several times a day everyday.
How do we avoid sugar completely if we eat out?
And how do we avoid our children being given it at parties friends houses, it really is very difficult.

The program was called the men who made us fat.
I found the programe enlightening and have read more stuff and done some research since and I am now more consciously aware. Have cut down and do my best to avoid as mush as pos. And then only eat a small amount when fancying it on a full stomach so as not to spike my blood sugar leading to the crash and craving more addiction cycle.

Also have noticed when I have honey raw organic stuff not processed my energy levels feel so much better and I feel really good.

When I learned about nutrition years ago was taught and believed that it was fat that made us fat.
Such a difficult subject as top dogs in food industry want us to buy their products so will provide ‘evidence’ and research to fit their agenda of getting us to buy their products.

Does appear though that the further we get away from foods natural state by processing and changing the original molecular structure, that the more adversely it effects our bodies.

What do you think?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:52am
74: Daria says:

Annie – yes, i feel good with natural sugar

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:54am
75: MissStix says:

Healthy eating is all about changing your relationship with food. You have to first change your relationship with you.

There’s a lot of in between but somehow, when I started to love myself, what I wanted to eat, and how much of it I wanted to eat changed.

I have struggled with my weight since I was about 14 (when I quit figure skating after breaking my leg). I struggled with bulemia for 8 years (5 years recovered now). At this point I lost nearly 40 lbs and have maintained my healthier (still softy ) body for 2 years.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:56am
76: Daria says:

when i eat using my intuition – always ask my intuition what to eat, or if eating a particular something htat seems to be craved by an anxiety is healthy for me…

i feel nourished, powerful spiritually, and it feels so FUN to discover new ways of healing, nourishing and new foods just by following my intuition!

i feel so happy and powerful knowing i have an AWESOME relationship with food.

its one of my favorite joys

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:57am
77: Mercedes says:

Rori: I love how you are looking at this. I’ve never really considered it from this angle before:

“The extra weight is simple. It’s there to protect you. Your desire to eat is a part of you that’s madly in love with you trying to HELP you. Trying to give you a gift of love and safety. To YOU, in your conscious mind as Kat – it may seem like a harsh, miserable, self-destructive thing – but to the part that wants you to eat, it’s a gift of LOVE!”

I haven’t struggled with weight in many, many years, but I did and I had a moment in time with eating disorders that still, to this day, become hard to resist. I choose health though so I will not (ever) even TRY to lose any weight (not even 5 lbs) in an unhealthy way. I won’t do it. I love myself too much for that.

This is really good stuff:

“You can DO this. HE, or ANY “he” doesn’t matter. It’s not ABOUT “him.” It’s always about you, and what’s happening for you now, and no kind of “closure” will help.

In fact, learning to love NON-CLOSURE is where your healing and happiness is.”

Thank you!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:57am
78: MissStix says:

I am a soft and curvy size 8 with a leftover jiggly belly. I love every inch of my body

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:57am
79: ruth says:

over eating is a good way of stuffing down feelings

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:00am
80: MissStix says:

I feel very nervous to admit my eating disorder so publicly.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:00am
81: MissStix says:

I am left with pretty severe LRD and a host of other digestive issues.

I don’t feel nervous anymore. I just want to say it…”I am here and it is possible to heal.”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:03am
82: ruth says:

I feel sad reading the term “struggling with weight”
I see so so many women doing just that, constantly dieting, losing a bit then putting back on.Women is a permanent state of feelign deprived and guilty about eating

*and they dont lose any weight*

yes, it starts with self acceptance at first, and then eventually self love

(im half way there only)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:04am
83: ruth says:

Miss Stix, I did laxatives in my early 20s

My personal take on this is that one is never totally free of an ED

One has to remain vigilant

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:05am
84: MissStix says:

I know rori said she would rather have experts talk about this. But there is no expert like those of us who have lived with it. And I want to keep talking about it.

Bulimia is all about self hatred, having control over something in your life, and acheiving a high. It is a desperate sadness, followed by soothing (eating), then extreme fear, then purging to assuage that fear. Afterward there is a high I can only describe as very euphoric, and mellow.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:10am
85: ruth says:

84

I know

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:11am
86: MissStix says:

Ruth

You are right. After all of this I still get that thought sometimes after I eat. It’s like there is a little trigger button inside. At this point it is no more than a fleeting thought. Gone in an instant. But I believe it will be there the rest of my life. If I allowed myself to start down a slippery slope…Who knows.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:13am
87: Tam says:

and now I feel angry again. Why?
I feel like lashing out.
Oh boy.
That bloody email is not going to make me fall off my horse. Not now!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:14am
88: MissStix says:

I never lost a single pound doing it either.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:15am
89: ruth says:

When I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my excess weight after 15 years, it really destabilised me

it was *much* safer to be fatter and i ate well then

I guess this is triggerign me today .I am having a “massively fat day”–which is ludicrous!

But thats how i feel

Also, I do have a bit of an issue with the food intolerance/allergy thing. For some people this is simply another way to express their ED
Seen it too often in the running community where weight is quite important

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:18am
90: ruth says:

thats the thing with bulimia

you dont lose weight usually

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:18am
91: ruth says:

Tam, go and thump a cushion (((((((())))))))

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:19am
92: Daria says:

hmm my ‘constipated face’ seems to be like the same face i do practiccing ‘absorbing’ energy like in the drawing energy thing

“lightly sucking on your tongue and/or gently drawing in the sides of your cheeks, and pulling in on your eyes’

oooh mysterious exploration open to me since i chose to love my feeling

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:22am
93: Tam says:

I just don’t understand why it always has to be like this. I am trying my best to speak authentically.
Why do I get angry responses?
Why do I feel responsible for making him angry.
I just want to get along with people, I don’t want aggravation all the time.
Why do we wind each other up so badly?
I just do not understand this at all.
It really pains me.
Why can’t we just be nice to each other and admit that we like each other, even as friends? Why does there have to be all this pretending?
I just feel so sick of this.
I don’t want to be part of this anymore.
I don’t want to have to think about this anymore.
I feel hurt by that email.
I feel pain.
I was trying to reset the record and stop the pattern and here it is again. It is like a neverending effing cycle of bs. BS BS BS.
What the heck am I supposed to do to stop this?
Walk away. It is just impossible. I never had such communication problems with anyone.
I feel helpless and hopeless for anything ever to change. I actually feel defeated.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:24am
94: Tam says:

I can’t fix this. I have to let go of trying to fix this and be the peacemaker.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:27am
95: ruth says:

94 Tam, absolutely that is what you need to do!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:29am
96: MissStix says:

Ruth 90

Nope! And it screws around with the mechanisms that regulate satiety, fullness and hunger. It took about 2 years for me to feel properly hungry and properly full.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:29am
97: Tam says:

95. I know. It was always my job and I am no longer willing to do it.
He can try to fix if he finds his balls somewhere, I am done. I just feel really limp, like someone kicked me in the stomach and I am laying on the floor with zero intention of getting up.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:30am
98: ruth says:

96

yes Miss Stix

I know *exactly* what you mean
Also I found/find it difficult not to perceive hunger as a negative thing, a feeling to be avoided at all costs

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:31am
99: ruth says:

97
yes tam
Lie on the floor and dont move

you dont have to

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:32am
100: Annie says:

Hugs Tam.

What do you think is the loving and compassionate action to do for you to take care of yourself? x

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:33am
101: Tam says:

and when I get up, I just feel like pouting, like a little girl. And I feel like sticking two fingers up, sticking my tongue out and saying:
‘ whatever, I am going to play with the nice boys now, suit yourself you grumpy’.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:34am
102: Tam says:

Annie, I am going to the beach for my lunch, with my ipod music. And let some sun into my life.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:34am
103: Tam says:

It was better feeling angry than defeated.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:36am
104: ruth says:

beach and sun feels good

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:37am
105: MissStix says:

Ruth

I used to perceive it that way too. Nowadays I like to let my hunger go for a bit before I eat. I kind of like the feeling of hunger now…It’s funny because I beat bulemia all on my own and this was way before I found rori, but I started to talk to my hunger. Telling it “Hello there friend. You are good for me. You tell me when it’s time to eat.”

Kind of similar to rori’s “love your feelings”.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:48am
106: Tam says:

I want harmony. I don’t want fighting. I want harmony, friendship, flowers, people being nicde to each other.
How can this not be what everyone wants?
I want politeness. I want to be told nicely that I can’t be picked up. I want to be told ‘thank you for offering to help me’.
I did not ask for anger.
I do not want anger to be aimed at me.
I don’t want to be told what people won’t do for me.

I simply don’t get it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:50am
107: Tam says:

And the answer to my ‘don’t wants’ is to surround myself with people who want the same things as me and not expect those to change who don’t.
I can’t heal others and I can’t heal the world.
But I can heal myself.
I do not need harshness in my life.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:51am
108: ruth says:

105
yes, now i can think of hunger as a good thing.Not all the time but if i can feel it, and not immediately react, then thats a good thing adn i am in tune with myself

106.Tam, I hear you. Time for you to stay open to people who will treat you in that good way and maybe time to walk away from those who dont

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:54am
109: Tam says:

I want to say: You email made me feel angry, sad and defeated. But I won’t. Instead of bothering to speak my authentic self, and writing in feeling messages and responding at all, I will spend that energy on myself, do something nice and vent on here.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:56am
110: ruth says:

109

that feels empoweing to read tam

Spend energy on yourself

YES!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:57am
111: Daria says:

i feel so loved by me

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:57am
112: Tam says:

108, Ruth, yes. Exactly. And no matter how nice he was and could be in the past, the present is now.
And now, there is not even enough crumbs for a friendship or even an acquaintanceship here.
If people who don’t know me can pick me up and buy me drinks, then that puts him even below them on my list. It is what it is.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:58am
113: Tam says:

Phew, that feels better.
Now the beach….:)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:01am
114: ruth says:

tee hee tam

I am chuckling at the thought of your list!
all those yummy options!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:01am
115: Starla says:

I feel invisible

Starla, I see you, beautiful!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:05am
116: Simply Goddess says:

Well after receiving the random text this morning (after him ignoring me all weekend) to say hes sorting a flat and to let him know if I want to ‘jump on board’

then I hadnt replied within 2 hours as I was in work.
After work I have logged on facebook and felt shocked to see our photos plastered all over facebook as I was now in a ‘complicated relationship with him’ – ha! The cheek

I text him..

“Are you for real?”

He text

“Whats up with you now?”

ME -”Feel really angry seeing that on facebook”

Him – “Why? Would single be better?”

Me – “Well it doesn’t feel good doing it over text and faceook, give me a ring sometime if thats what your considering”

Him – “Nahhhh.. Just may aswell get on with it.. We’ve grown apart, An like Ive said all along, you need someone without kids!”

Me – “Ok, really sorry you feel like that, shame to end it like this ut take care x”

Him – “Well you feel the same, whats the point eh.. Im just saying it!”

Him – “Ill call up through the week or weekend, So if you’ve got stuff on the camera save it please!”

Me – Changed ‘Its complicated to single on facebook

Him – “When should I come for my stuff then?”

Him on facebook – Some people are pathetic, kind of feel sorry for them!

Wow.. Bizarre.. Im that shocked and embarrassed with him doing it on facebook before me even knowing ‘its complicated’ pah!! I don’t actually think its sunk in..

Argh! I really have this belief its not really over tho.. Maybe it is! Geez.. I dont know Im confused.. Im trying to be tough!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:06am
117: Annie says:

102: Tam says:

“Annie, I am going to the beach for my lunch, with my ipod music. And let some sun into my life.”

Feel pleased to hear you taking action to take care of yourself. Wishing you lots of warm sun a yummy lunch and happy moments for the day.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:11am
118: Annie says:

Tam re don’t wants. Rori says in order to say yes to what we don’t want we first have to be able to say to what we don’t want.

And then I believe invite what we want in.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:13am
119: Tam says:

114….hmmm…Ruth, meeting low self esteem Surfer Dude tomorrow – he keeps thinking I will cancel on him (Floridians are strange)…and then MrInstant Relationship Thursday but I am cancelling that as he is a tongue in mouth sticker (without sensing that I wasn’t ready..eeewww)…and THEN the aviation man also booked for one day this week but he hasn’t got back to me yet, perhaps he realised I only want sex (hahaha, just kidding, he probably thinks I am too prim and proper for him)….and then, well who else is there? Oh yes, EnglishCD….I think he is away on the weekend but he keeps in touch.
I have to start making a spreadsheet soon..I am getting their pets and family mixed up already.
Too funny.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:14am
120: Femininewoman says:

Tam can I invite you to re-read 119 and notice how many times you use the word “think”?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:17am
121: MissStix says:

I have started to phase dairy out of my diet.

I do not believe humans are meant to drink cow milk. It has taken a long time to pin point the foods that trigger my painful reflux. Refined sugar/carbohydrate, and dairy. So far. I mostly stopped eating refined sugar/carb years ago. I would like to take that to the next level and cut down on even my whole wheat consumption. At this point I eat maybe 3 slices of bread in a day at the most. That is, a day where I have one slice with breaky and if I have a sandwich for lunch. I can take a big step towards that goal simply by having a half sandwich instead of a whole one and double my veggy/salad side dish. This would bring me down to 2 slices on a maximum bread day. I can also cut my pasta portions in half and double up on tomato sauce and my veggy side. This would be 2 slices of ww bread and 1/4 cup ww pasta max (if I have all 3 such meals in one day)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:17am
122: Simply Goddess says:

Some girl I suspected hed been talking to has coincidently liked his status about ‘people bein pathetic and he feels sorry for them”

Argh.. I feel sad..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:20am
123: MissStix says:

((((simply goddess))))

No need to be tough, love! How do you feel?

We are here and we are rooting for your bliss!

Ps. I see him ambushing you on a regular basis and my heart feels sadness. You may never “win” with this “man”.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:21am
124: Daria says:

it feels funny to just giggle like crazy when the guy is tryna kiss me and its awkward and not help him or ‘submit’ at all but still let it happen if he makes it happen hahahahha

omg laughing remembering that last nite

haaaaaaaa

can i draw out the masculine in these men i judge as ‘girly’ i guess i can

aww i love my judgements

i feel thrills to know this is the power those girls in books i read were experiencing and i ddin’t ‘get’ it haha

im getting it mroe and more whew

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:22am
125: MissStix says:

Simply goddess 122

That feels absolutely gross to read! Ick. Let the children have their games.

You are so far from pathetic lady!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:22am
126: Simply Goddess says:

I feel upset about the way Im treated.. I feel disrespected aout him doing that on facebook.. I feel jealous and hurt that that girl has liked the status obv aimed at me..
I feel scared and numb because I might be on the verge of realising all our future plans are never going to happen.. I feel anxious this is really it..
I secretly feel hopeful itll make him step up.. I feel scared it wont.. It makes me feel better to think hes just trying to get at me and doesnt really want to split..

He wants to know when to come for his stuff..

What can I say in feeling messages.. I still love him..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:25am
127: MissStix says:

SG

I just want to say how much I respect you for not playing that sick game. People who feel urges to create these situations, and act in these ways have many problems they could be working through. But some are just too ignorant to realize…

They look pathetic to me right now.You look like a shining light.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:26am
128: Tam says:

120 FW, yes, it’s because it is too painful to feel anything right now. I am done with feeling for the day. I think.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:29am
129: Daria says:

i feel glad i know this thought:

digestion issues will heal by separating starches from meat

means one day/ full digested meal of breads/potatoes/starches + vegetables

or a full meal of meat and vegetables

…

not mixing the starches and meats makes my digestion way easy

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:30am
130: MissStix says:

(((sg)))

I know you still love him. ((((you)))) it’s ok to feel all this. Love is that way. It shoots right through all the destructive cr@p that slowly beats us down. You know what’s right deep down somewhere. Try to find that light and keep it in your vision through all this junk.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:30am
131: MissStix says:

SG

When I was leaving my husband it helped me immeasurably to envision and visualize how amazing I would feel for taking my power back. I dated, a lot. I visualized a man treating me right and not existing behind my back in the presence of other women. I envisioned all kinds of men who would rather see me shine than beat me down.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:33am
132: Iamabutterfly says:

Facebook is the devil.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:35am
133: Simply Goddess says:

Im scared.. Its silly we both love each other.. Why cant it just work out..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:39am
134: Daria says:

this men thing is so easy

ahhhh

i just share how im feeling even if i think it sounds totallly irrelevant , ‘dumb’ and boring and theyre like

omg i want to see u!

feels so awesome how energy works

“Hey how u been ?

lil:
i’m feeling great thank you…

beam:
What u been up to ?

lil:
im feeling a lil all over the place in my mind right now…

beam:
Damn like that we should hang out sumtime”

HAHA…well okay then! step up then wont ya (he is) ! ha they are doing it for me

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:42am
135: Daria says:

Rori’s right, they just want to feel me breathing, being, undefended

just want to see my feeling… doesn’t matter what

doesn’t matter if what i’m feeling is itchy, or angry, or constipated, or a little numb

hahaha

so easy! wow

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:47am
136: Dominique says:

Goddess Lily – 6- What do you want to know?

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:48am
137: Simply Goddess says:

I can feel your so at ease and in touch with your feelings Daria.. Its nice xx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:49am
138: Simply Goddess says:

you’re*

I still haven’t replied to his text.. Hes just text again, “Ill call down Friday for my stuff ok?”

Friday being the night he finishes nights at work and usually comes down to mine.. Is he thinking he can come make up then?
I know, get out of his head right and don’t wonder anything..

Think my mother will string him up if he does haha xx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:51am
139: MissStix says:

SG

I know

But it is not a very positive love dynamic. No one is to blame, when you get down to it some love is destructive. His love is ambushing and destructive and it’s lazer pointed at you.

I feel very sad to think about you giving up the promise of a new, fresh beginning, but I respect how you feel. (and remember well feeling it myself).

<3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:51am
140: Simply Goddess says:

Ooof..

“Yeah just lank me as usual! Im not even arsed Dan, You’re a b1tch! See you Friday!”

Someones angry!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:54am
141: Butterfly Wings says:

(((SG))) Sometimes it’s better to just let them go…

xxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:56am
142: lakshmi says:

Starla, I see you! You’ve been such an inspiration to me. I’ve been following you on the blog for a while now and I haven’t quite been able to start my own self-care program … yet … but each time I read about the beautiful and healthy way you’re caring for yourself I feel, YES! I can do that too.

I feel sad you’re suffering over CF now. Hugs to you.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:56am
143: Simply Goddess says:

blank* meaning ignore

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:56am
144: MissStix says:

Was that him to you?

Ummm did he call you a b!tch?

Wow.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:00am
145: MissStix says:

So he breaks up with you, calls you pathetic on fb, which is then promptly “liked” by a girl he sees, then when you don’t respond right away to his msgs about picking up his stuuf you’re a bitch???

Here’s what you say in FMs (keep it simple)

“I’m feeling really sad right now and just trying to get by. See you friday.”

X( I feel angry right now. That men treat women this way.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:03am
146: Starla says:

lakshmi,
thank you for seeing me!
<3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:03am
147: Daria says:

talking to men whose features trigger me to judgment

yay babysteps

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:04am
148: MissStix says:

So he breaks up with you, calls you pathetic on fb, which is then promptly “liked” by a girl he sees, then when you don’t respond right away to his msgs about picking up his stuff you’re a b!tch???

Here’s what you say in FMs (keep it simple)

“I’m feeling really sad right now and just trying to get by. See you friday.”

X( I feel angry right now. That men treat women this way.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:04am
149: Linda says:

124…Daria

Too funny, you triggered a memory from a CD I had this summer. He was the “older busy man” anyway.. he kept trying me out on the kissing… and I felt like really? I kissed him back but in mid kiss I started snicker laughing…. cause it just felt so funny. Not serious… I was like… I can kiss buddy make your toes curl but I just started snickering. I felt a bit bad after it happened for the 3rd time.

He said.. there you go again… what is so funny? I did not say.. and never saw him again.

I could not control how silly I felt…. I knew what he was up to and I just did not care nor was I impressed or into kissing him. haha

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:10am
150: Linda says:

Simply Goddess… I got off facebook a long time ago. It has simplified my life and raised my peace level 1000%.

Just sayin

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:12am
151: Miss Bells says:

Back from HS’s.
I said what I had to say about Match.

He said he was just getting his $113.00 worth.
I said “What is worth more–a couple of dollars or my feelings?”

He answered: Your feelings of course.”

I am glad I just let it out.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:17am
152: Annie says:

* no to what we don’t want.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:19am
153: Calypso says:

Speaking of FB chatter . . .

I posted a pic of me and JC in Nashville this weekend. Then, this morning I posted something about being happy to have a Panera Bread in town cuz I could have chicken noodle soup for lunch.

Just now GM responded to that with, “Did you have to have a diet coke after?” – which was to remind me that he took me to Nashville when we were together and that night after sex I asked him to get me a diet coke – actually, it was during sex – I said, “You’re gonna have to quit, cuz I need a diet coke” – LOL It was hilarious and it is even funnier now that he is reminding me of that just because he knows I went to nashville with JC – he is so predictible!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:25am
154: Starla says:

It’s really been over 6 months since he would even speak to me

what is my deallllllllllll

this hurts.

i feel all lost and like i’ve lost a limb.

i’ve never felt this way in my whole life

i feel like “what’s wrong with me???”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:27am
155: Simply Goddess says:

Exactly Miss Stix
I fell in love with a great one here didn’t I
I sense his anger comes from me jus accepting an then not having replied
Poor him..

It feels wrong to tell him I feel said an intruding to get by.. Is that because it’s true and I want to really act all ‘not bothered’?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:29am
156: Calypso says:

So I responded on FB, “Don’t be silly! I had my diet coke at the same time . . . “

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:29am
157: Simply Goddess says:

‘I feel sad and am trying to get by’ (damn iPhone predictive text) Xx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:30am
158: Calypso says:

OMG – now he is texting me!!!

“Multitasking – who you calling silly?”

Wow – I do not even know what to say to this man-child!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:31am
159: Femininewoman says:

SG I am am wondering why you would bother to respond to rudeness when you didn’t respond to the previous text which was more civil.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:32am
160: Femininewoman says:

Calyspo has he been ignoring you thus far?

Why would you jump to engage now?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:33am
161: Calypso says:

No – he has never ignored me. We have just not seen eachother in a couple of months – not since I started dating JC

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:35am
162: Calypso says:

I have not responded to his text and he just sent me a p[icture of some dogs – LMAO!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:36am
163: Calypso says:

Now another with puppies – he is so funny! I finally responded, “OMG, they are so cute!”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:38am
164: Silver Moonbeam says:

Starla – don’t feel unseen I sometimes think of you and CF in fact I asked about you in the FB group a while ago………….take care. xxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:40am
165: Starla says:

hi Silver:) I am not on the fb group

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:45am
166: Mercedes says:

SG: It feels wrong to tell him ‘I feel sad and am trying to get by’ Is that because it’s true and I want to really act all ‘not bothered’?

Yes…I think so…but being authentic is the right way to attract the RIGHT man (the kind of man who cares about how you REALLY feel). Acting “not bothered” (or ACTING any other way) is a short term bandaid sometimes (if you happen to convince a man that the acting is really true) but most of the time…it will leave you only feeling worse. Besides, what man would really want to believe you are not bothered by this. Don’t you think he wants (needs) to know you are hurting? Put yourself in his shoes for a minute…with all this time together…how would it feel for YOU to believe HE is not bothered by a potential break up with you? Wouldn’t that either hurt a lot or make you really angry? Well…it’ll do the same to him.

Please don’t “act”…be authentic…then, if he’s not the right guy for you and he continues to move on with his life, at least you will always know that he couldn’t handle the real you…and you want a guy who can handle the real you, right?

Let him hear and see your hurt and anger. No reason to pretend to be “whatever” about it. What purpose would that serve?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:47am
167: Mercedes says:

SG: Hold up. Everything I said…ignore for a sec. He called you that name??? In a text??? What???

You deserve better than a man who would EVER do that to you. No need for you to put up with that even ONCE in your life.

Put his stuff on the porch so it’s there for him on Friday when he comes over (or it’s been stolen, whatever) and go on a date with another man Friday night. Seriously.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:52am
168: Tam says:

I really feel the urge to tell him how I feel, but it would be a waste of my energy…
I don’t know whether bottling it up will help. I feel like screaming…if I haven’t vented before Wed, and we bump into him downtown (most likely going out with my gf’s), something bad could happen. I feel that if I see his face, my fist, or wineglass would just wander there. Can you imagine?
That would be 100 times worse….or maybe a befitting ending to the story.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:55am
169: Tam says:

not very Sireny though.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:56am
170: Tam says:

I am having the sh**test day of the century.
MrNap has just gone to lie down on my bed and I can’t get in there to change into beach clothes or get my sunscreen out. Or shoes. So I am trapped until he wakes up….ummmmh…this evening.
The trike I wanted was sold before I could get it.
MrP has been a complete ar**hole.

I just want to let it out on someone now, someone other than myself. RRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:03pm
171: Silver Moonbeam says:

Starla, well maybe you are a FB friend as I see your profile on the right of my page. Anyway I hope you are doing well, and I can’t believe six months have passed………..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:04pm
172: Starla says:

thank you, silver <3.
i feel so weak and mushy today

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:08pm
173: Tam says:

it’s ok. this is not my day. It will be over in a few hours. No need to get my knickers into a twist.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:12pm
174: Starla says:

tam, why do you let this man sleep on your bed? lol
did i miss something?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:15pm
175: Tam says:

Starla, yes. He is the husband of my friend, they let me stay in the Condo where he works from. This is a one bedroom. He does not live here but he likes to take naps in ‘my’ bed.
Ewwww.
How could you have missed that
Hence the name MrNap.

I don’t know. I should have said that it doesn’t feel good. I need better boundaries but it is difficult when people are doing me a favour.
I just feel time and time again, that my boundaries are not respected, no surprise – when I don’t state or enforce them.

I feel powerless.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:23pm
176: Tam says:

I feel that if I acted and looked different, people would not even suggest to sleep in my bed, or to not pick me up and not buy me drinks.
I feel like they look at me and think ‘oh, but it’s only Tam, she won’t mind, she looks like a child and we can treat her like a child’.
I feel exasperated. I feel less than. I feel low value right now.
I need to turn this around.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:27pm
177: Starla says:

Tam, next time he comes over, quickly take the sheets off before he gets there, and say it’s laundry day:P
Kindly ask him to nap on the sofa

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:28pm
178: Tam says:

and ‘she will still be nice even if we step on her toes’

because she is. She just wants to avoid conflict and arguments and take the easy way out.

And let people walk all over her.

This feels so painful. I don’t want this anymore.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:28pm
179: Tam says:

Starla, I was bawling my eyes out and then I read your comment and now I am laughing..hahaha!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:30pm
180: Calypso says:

Wow – I feel really good, like I passed some sort of test. GM poured on the charm (his version of charm) and i did not cave in and I don’t feel like i need a fix of man-crack! He was flirty and even asked me where the party was this weekend – an obvious invitation for us to get together and he told me he needed a “leg shot” – we used to send each other random pictures of our legs out of the blue.

I did not even respond to the leg shot text and when he asked me where the party was, I told him I would be traveling to go see my sister. I will be alone and driving right through his town, but I did not tell him that! I feel sooooo good right now – stronger than I have in a long time! Yea me!

I am going to see JC tonight – I am making dinner at his house. He is healing me in so many ways – it feels wonderful.

I did find out that GM gets an alert on his phone every time I post on FB now – he just got a smart phone . . . so hmmmmm….. I did not really need to know that – i will think about it later when I’m not feeling as strong :/

Baby steps . . .

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:32pm
181: Simply Goddess says:

FW – I guess I wanted to reply but didnt know how to.. Miss Stix feeling message helped.. Simple and to the point

I sent “I’m feeling really sad right now and just trying to get by.. See you Friday”

He replied

“You’re the one who’s been and changed everything to single so once again dont try spin it onto me. I just gave you my opinion that we’re growing apart, you have done the rest. Your two faced c*nt of a mother seems to think its a good idea. You’ve obviously been talking about going to Ibiza and had it in the pipeline haven’t you, and that’s without kick offs!”

(I put to a friend that I might take up the offer to go to Ibiza next year) – My mum liked the post.. and actually he put its complicated and when I said he should talk to me not on fbook or text if hes condiring splitting he said – Nah, weve grown apart and I need someone with kids..

Anyway straight away without me replying..

“and you’ve got your little pervert followers to fall back on.. They prob haven’t got kids either!”

“As harsh and as horrible as I sound its all the truth!”

As sad as I feel I honestly feel so much stronger than I usually do..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:32pm
182: Tam says:

I really feel defeated today. And I can’t blame anyone. The buck stops with me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:33pm
183: Tam says:

Calypso..yeah, best not to get too close to the man-crack again.
It undid everything for me earlier this year, I would hate that to happen to you…tread carefully…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:35pm
184: Starla says:

179

yikes, abusive

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:36pm
185: Calypso says:

SG – He sounds like he is totally out of control – calling your mother the “C” word – gross . . .

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:38pm
186: Janie Baby says:

hey ladies. need some advice. on saturday my boyfriend said “oh ill call you tomorrow after work. maybe we can get dinner”..
and we also had definite plans for today since we both end class at the same time, we were gonna get lunch and go to the pumpkin patch.
yesterday he never called, so i was upset and so when he called today , i saw i was going to go home and go on a run. he got very angry and was like I thought we had plans to go ot lunch.. and i said well we also had plans for you to call me yesterday so i didn’t count on that. and he got very upset and was like well i thought yesterday was maybe plans and today were real plans and got very upset and was like you’re ruining our relationship you always expect me to do everything. you never call me or plan anything … it’s a two way street. This is what he said to me. I just said “well i don’t like chasing a man or having a flaky boyfriend” he got angry and hung up.. NOw I have the urge to call him an hour later. What do I do? should I call or hsould i just go on a run and go for some costume shopping ? it just makes me sad cause it is one of the only freedays we both have to hang out and i feel like i kind of ruined it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:38pm
187: Calypso says:

Tam – i know it! I was dating a nice man earlier this year and one conversation with GM broke us up. I don’t trust myself very much. I KNOW better than to put myself in a bad situation – I can’t see him in person. It would set me way back. I need more time with JC – to see if this brand new love is real and if it can grow. I think it might actually be somethign really special. The “relationship I want” . . . I just have to stay away from the “man I want” . . . devil with blue eyes – ok, stop!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:42pm
188: Annie says:

OMG Simply Goddess, I’m with Mercedes165.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:43pm
189: Annie says:

Janie Baby. I feel triggered by maybes. I want a man who makes definite plans not maybe plans.

I want a man of action.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:48pm
190: Janie Baby says:

me too… what do i do? i have the strongest urge to call him.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:52pm
191: Mercedes says:

Annie: After the Mom comment, yeah…that’s REALLY bad.

Janie Baby: How about you take Annie’s words and repeat them if that’s what you really want from a man: ” I want a man who makes definite plans not maybe plans.” You could put a little feeling message in front of it if it makes you feel better to soften the message a little. But I don’t know what that feeling message would be since I don’t really know how you are feeling.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:54pm
192: Janie Baby says:

Thanks Mercedes. Should i wait until he calls to say this? I really feel like calling.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 12:57pm
193: Femininewoman says:

SG did you read what Mercedes said?

I believe this breakup is a blessing in disguise?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:00pm
194: Simply Goddess says:

EE by gum..

Had a lump on my boo b Id noticed had been there for a while. I know I should have had it checked sooner but I’ve been so busy. Once I told my mother this weekend though she booked me in at the docs today while I was at work.. So straight after seeing that on facebook in work, having a little cry at my desk in my classroom then I had to go to the docs and have my breasts fondled. She asked, “Have you lost any weight at all?” Me sat there looking like a waif.. “Yeh, relationship troubles!”
Looks ok but have to go back in 2 weeks so they can check again. I’m sure it’s only because I’ve lost so much weight haha

If you don’t laugh you’ll cry.. haha Honestly feel quite relaxed right now considering and that feels strange xx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:02pm
195: Femininewoman says:

Calypso – he sounds to me like a man who wants to keep a “casual” relationship status with you.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:02pm
196: Goddess Lily says:

SG,

I’m not even sure this blessing is really disguised. RUN, RUN FAST!!!

I’ve been in a relationship with someone who was quick with insults and horrible words. He was a lawyer and very good at turning EVERYTHING I did on me and making things my fault. I stayed for too long. Please let this one go. Feel the pain of the loss, but let it go. I felt myself about to cry reading his words. All my memories of staying with such a verbally abusive person came back to me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:03pm
197: Janie Baby says:

oohhh noo. i gave in. i called him he didn’t answer. i feel dumb. i feel like i gave in. i hate this. i hate feelng powerless.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:04pm
198: Sassy says:

Oh wow!!! Love love love to every single one of us hurting
sirens. Keep spamming, letting it out, finding and expressing your feelings.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:05pm
199: Simply Goddess says:

Ahh I’d missed it.
Thanks Mercedes. I’m very tempted to do just that. I’m far too soft for my own good though. One day.. Maybe Friday.. We’ll see x

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:06pm
200: Smile says:

I feel relaxed now after an exhausting day!

I feel proud, I like practically moved and unpacked my whole house! I feel soo thankful to my family.

I’m sleeping back in my bedroom I grew up in. It doesn’t feel quite the same though. It feels like home but in a new way. I’m going to be happy here.

It doesn’t feel like a step backward, it feels like a step forward. I still feel independent. This is a stepping stone to finally owning a home rather than renting.

I’m planning so many nice things for when I own my own house. It feels great to be chasing a dream rather than a man.

I felt sad and a bit lonely when I left my old house where I’ve lived alone for the past year. That’s faded a little.

I feel excited for a fresh new start.

My biggest dilemma tonight is what side of the bed I’m going to sleep on.

There are still some things in my room that remind me of strummingman. Things we chose together or he bought me.
I feel at ease with that.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:06pm
201: Calypso says:

Went to moderation – try again without the “bad” word . . .

Tam – i know it! I was dating a nice man earlier this year and one conversation with GM broke us up. I don’t trust myself very much. I KNOW better than to put myself in a bad situation – I can’t see him in person. It would set me way back. I need more time with JC – to see if this brand new love is real and if it can grow. I think it might actually be somethign really special. The “relationship I want” . . . I just have to stay away from the “man I want” . . .

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:09pm
202: Calypso says:

FW – Yes – that is exactly what GM wants. He has told me he is not ready for a committed relationship with me or any other woman, but he needs to know that I am still in his world. I thought I could heal him, but I know now that I can’t and I’m ok with that. I like knowing he is in in my world too – I will keep him for the things he heals in me, but he has to be on the back of my horse now.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:11pm
203: Simply Goddess says:

I never thought about that way..

The man I want – the relationship I want..
Two different things..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:12pm
204: Smile says:

Janie baby,

Here are sOme ideas that might help

well… it would feel good to see you but i Dont want to sit around with tentative plans. it would make me feel happy to know exactly when u will pick me up. what do you think?

Fw and Mel also suggested saying I’ll pencil you in until more confirmed plans are made. Something along those lines.

I used this on strummingman recently. He replied put it in red pen and underline it with kisses!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:14pm
205: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so annoyed. and embarassed. why am I thinking about this?

can someone help me to see if these are effective feeling messages?

“I feel really disconnected. I don’t want to be just friends, and I have no idea how you view me, but I don’t want to be whatever it is we are now.

I don’t feel important. I don’t feel like you care at all, and that makes me feel sad.

I don’t know what you want me to do or what you want me to say, but lately I just feel closed off and I don’t feel like talking at all.

You’re a great listener, but I feel tired of doing all the talking.

I want to hear what you have to say.”

what does everyone think?
how does everyone feel about this little speech?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:16pm
206: Simply Goddess says:

Do I reply to his rant or not? Feeling message?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:16pm
207: Smile says:

J baby, lean back. Slather on the love.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:16pm
208: Janie Baby says:

thanks Smile. I like that suggestion, but I already did something stupid. I called. and then I texted
“I feel sad. I don’t want to be blaked on and then when I want to make my own plans-I don’t like being screamed at. I just don’t see how we will ever work. I’m sad, but I don’t want to feel unsure all the time if my boyfriend is telling the truth or will forget about me. If I’m in a relationship, I want to be sure that my boyfriend will stick to his word.”

Ugh, no response. I feel dumb.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:17pm
209: Janie Baby says:

**flaked

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:18pm
210: Calypso says:

SG – after the way he talked to you, I do not believe you should respond at all. If you feel like you have to, use something like, “It feels horrible to be talked to like that.”

What do you think?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:20pm
211: Calypso says:

Janie – top calling yourself “stupid” – you leaned forward, but that is in the past already. Focus on you now and be nice to yourself.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:22pm
212: Janie Baby says:

Calypso, I just feel dumb. I was doing sooo great. Leaning back, didn’t call yesterday when he said he would, but I just kept focused on me and hten had a plan for myself today, and an hour at home, and I crumble and give in and call him. I just feel like a hopeless case. I feel like crying. I feel like i’ll never get rid of the hold he has on me. I feel sad, because he used to be my best friend. We used to hang out all the time, and now I’m like the second option. I feel upset. I feel scared of myself. I feel scared that I’ll give in and call him over and over.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:23pm
213: Laughing Goddess says:

I feel so friggin irritable at the moment.

I wonder if some of it has to do with pregnancy hormones and the related mood swings.

I also feel frustrated with some of what I’m reading here. I feel really triggered. Not with anyone in particular, just frustrated seeing possible tweaks and solutions and not knowing how to communicate in a way that is efficient with my energy and that will be heard.

Ergggg, I feel frustrated and sad.

Right now my relationship feels solid but I feel annoyed because he is always wanting to be with me. I’m feeling like I could use some mental and physical space. He has A LOT o energy and wants to talk and play and I just want to be quiet and read and nest. He just left to go hang with a buddy which feel relieving.

I do feel lucky and overall really happy with how things are going.

But I feel shocked by how grouchy I feel today. I really need to find a quiet space that I can go to when I need it.

We both work from home and it can be a lot to handle at times.

I feel overwhelmed.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:25pm
214: Smile says:

Hi lamabutterfly,

These are your feelings so of course they’re effective.

I would take out the ‘yous’ in there.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:26pm
215: Goddess Lily says:

SG, I agree with Calypso.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:26pm
216: MissStix says:

SG

No. Don’t reply to this one. He has done more than enough to show you his true colours.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:29pm
217: Smile says:

Grrr I don’t get any signal in my house.

How will all my new cd’s I’m going to magnetise be able to contact me.

I feel irritated.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:29pm
218: Janie Baby says:

I feel upset, I want to be blasted into an alternate universe where he does not exist. That’d be great, and there’d be no way he could contact me and I would not be able to contact him.
It would be the most wonderful thing ever!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:31pm
219: Laughing Goddess says:

SG: 206

If you do choose to reply, I would be diligent about using nothing but FM’s. That feels really important to me if you want to get anywhere with this man.

I feel really triggered by men using the b and c words. At the same time, as Rori says, anger can be a good thing if you can facilitate it. For me, it would really depend on how he treats me normally. I would ask myself if this is an exception or the rule.

And because I believe it is so important that it is worth repeating, I would be diligent about only using FM’s during this convo if you choose to reply.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:31pm
220: Iamabutterfly says:

@214 Smile – Thanks, Smile!

I feel really disconnected. I don’t want to be just friends, and I feel in the dark. I don’t want to be whatever it is we are now.

I don’t feel important to you. I feel sad and angry.

I don’t know what to do or what to say, but lately I just feel closed off and I don’t feel like talking at all.

You’re a great listener, but I feel tired of doing all the talking.

I want to hear what you have to say.”

How is that?
Better?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:32pm
221: MissStix says:

SG

Or yes, if you MUST, use calypso’s FM there.

But you know what it will get you. More abuse.

I kind of suspected my fm might have the effect it did. Good to know eh?

Rolling my eyes right now :p

I feel glad to hear you are feeling relaxed. I can see you know this isn’t good. At all.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:36pm
222: MissStix says:

I’m beginning to see FMs work in more ways than one. And if a man has not even a drop of empathy…At least they will show us.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:39pm
223: Laughing Goddess says:

I love me and my massive irritable feelings.

I feel frustrated. What is the mirror/message here?

What am I letting these things get to me? My life is flowing, why should it bother me what other people are doing?

Maybe it’s just a sign to be more diligent about what I give my focus to. Hmmm, that could be it.

Focusing on these things actually makes me feel horrible, then why do I keep doing it? I actually used to not, I used to just not give my attention to these things. Why am I doing it now?

Sigh

I love me anyway. I love my irritability and frustration.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:39pm
224: Daria says:

“Contrary to the traditional popular ideas about how social animals organize themselves, researchers Tim Roper and Larissa Conradt have found that it’s in fact not the sexually dominant alpha males who make decisions for the group, but rather that important decisions are actually made via a natural democratic process.

Barring clear and present danger, members of red deer herds, gorilla bands, African buffalo herds and other close-knit animal societies vote their readiness to move by standing up and pointing themselves in the direction they want to go. When a significant majority have stood and/or pointed themselves in the chosen direction, the group moves on in the direction they’ve chosen together. In a statement that until recently the scientific community would have considered unorthodox or heretical, Roper and Conradt concluded that “democratic behavior is not unique to humans.”"

Teacher Tom

http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:40pm
225: Iamabutterfly says:

Its like, I feel so content UNTIL he enters my bubble. and then I feel so shaken up and disturbed!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:41pm
226: MissStix says:

LG

I agree with you fully.

But there’s anger (emotion, yelling) and abuse (calling someone a b!tch and their mother a c*** when she says she feels sad).

I’ve been following SGs story for some time now, and doing everything in my power to be gentle about this. But it looks like psychological abuse to me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:43pm
227: Smile says:

Lamabutterfly,

Are you texting/email or face to face? This would make the difference to me.

I feel really disconnected.

I don’t want to be just friends, I feel in the dark.

I don’t feel important, that makes me feel sad and angry.

I don’t know what to do or what to say, but lately I just feel closed off and I don’t feel like talking at all.

Rori suggests pausing between fm so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.

Shorter fm always feel better for me if I’m actually planning to ‘say’ / ‘deliver them and not just processing.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:43pm
228: Laughing Goddess says:

I’m also noticing that I feel compassion for some of the men in these situations.

Noticing that I want to be the devil’s advocate. Noticing that even though they may be using harsh words or tactics, that it feels easy for me to see what they are wanting. They are wanting compassion, to be understood, to be treated with respect also. They just don’t know how to ask for it.

Sigh. I feel so sad seeing people’s needs not getting met.

Maybe it’s all perfect in the whole scheme of things.

(((Humans)))
(((War of the sexes)))
(((Misunderstandings)))

Sometimes I think I could make a great relationship coach if I just had more patience.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:45pm
229: Mercedes says:

Janie Baby: I got here too late but if you ever ask me this question again: “Should i wait until he calls to say this? I really feel like calling.” I will say YES, WAIT! (unless you’ve been in a relationship with a man for a very long time and you know each other really, really well…then I say call…but only after YEARS of being together).

But since you didn’t wait…now you need to move on. No more calling yourself names. That serves no purpose. You learned a lesson here. You learned you still have the tendancy to lean forward with this man (maybe with any man). You know that is something you need to work on. So work on it. Move forward. No dwelling on the fact that you reached out to him. Everything is now in his hands and there is nothing left that you need to do except focus on you.

SG: Is this the kind of man you want? Someone who calls you and your mother names? He does it…he is this kind of man…and it’s not going to get better. If this is the kind of man you want, then yes. Reply to his rant with feeling messages and maybe he’ll be nice to you for a minute.

If this is NOT the kind of man you want then ignore or reply with “I don’t think you should wait until Friday to come get your things. I put them all outside for you and I won’t be home until late so you might want to hurry before someone takes them. The sign does say “Free”.”

Ugh! I am NOT liking that man today!!! Can you imagine a life where your man (the one you introduce to your coworkers, friends, relatives…the one you take to your best friend’s wedding…the one you have children with…) is so incredibly DISRESPECTFUL to women that he will use words like that to aim and YOU and to call your very own MOTHER????

I gotta go. He’s too much for me to be giving my energy to. I can’t imagine spending more than 30 seconds with a man like that and yet I’ve spent more time on him in this post than he’s worth. UGH!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:46pm
230: Laughing Goddess says:

Your comment is awaiting moderation.
I’m also noticing that I feel compassion for some of the men in these situations.

Noticing that I want to be the d*vil’s advocate. Noticing that even though they may be using harsh words or tactics, that it feels easy for me to see what they are wanting. They are wanting compassion, to be understood, to be treated with respect also. They just don’t know how to ask for it.

Sigh. I feel so sad seeing people’s needs not getting met.

Maybe it’s all perfect in the whole scheme of things.

(((Humans)))
(((War of the sexes)))
(((Misunderstandings)))

Sometimes I think I could make a great relationship coach if I just had more patience.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:46pm
231: Smile says:

Janie baby,

It doesn’t feel good to read you being negative towards yourself.

I find if I’ve done something that makes me feel dumb or stupid I say

I forgive my…
I love my…

I love my negative vibes!

If you fall off your horse, dust yourself down and saddle back up xxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:51pm
232: Janie Baby says:

Mercedes, I’ve been with him for 2 years. And not casually dating, we were best friends, so I never used to think about this stuff until he started acting distant the past 3 months, so I feel angry that I have to play games and step back to get a reaction out of him. I just feel sad.

And I agree with Mercedes about SG’s guy. He sounds abusive, and I feel for you because I’ve been in that situation. It feels very hard to leave especially when you love that person, but even if he loves you, if that’s the way he treats people he loves, you’ll never be happy and you deserve more. Anyways, words are emptier than actions, but when you had enough, walk away. Move somewhere for a while. if not literally, than metaphorically. Find a passion.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:51pm
233: Simply Goddess says:

I sent “Ah, it feels horrible to be spoken to like that”

He replied

“It feels horrible when you do things for other people and they wont even help you out too.. When they’re more bothered about going out. I’ve told you before. You still want to go out and all that and obviously you want to go on holidays to Ibiza. I’m used to all that I’ve had it done enough times. (His exes were into going out – girls clubbing holidays etc) I knew once you started your job you wouldnt be bothered anymore. Its the truth and how I feel.
You’ve obviously been filling everyone elses heads full of s hit and makin me look horrible. But I don’t care what people think of me.”

Truth is. I’ve done ten years of partying since I was 16. I am over all the going out. I go out when Im feeling down and lonely. When Ive argued with him. Thats all. Hes got me all wrong.

I feel like saying – I’ll be over all the going out and partying and Ibiza etc when I find a good man. I go out more when I feel lonely. When I don’t feel loved and need some fun. I want to settle down. Have a house, family.. Kids and a husband I can worship.. its my dream. I want a man who makes me feel loved and cherished. Who makes me feel like his special girl. Who I could talk to about anything, trust and know he always had my best interests at heart. A man who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. A man I can feel my best, positive self around. I deserve that. I will have that relationship. You are the man that I want, but it isnt the kind of relationship I want. As much as I want you to be that man, I don’t think you can be and its not your fault. That makes me feel sad.

How can I simplfy that.. At least hes telling me how he feels..

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:52pm
234: Daria says:

so dope

“Examples of democratic activity can be found at levels as far down Life’s food chain as microbes. “In recent years,” Werner Krieglstein wrote in Green Horizon Magazine , “scientists have documented a remarkable sequence of behavior that might well be suited to serve as a metaphor if not as a lived example for how we human beings can and should behave in times of need…Scientists observed this single cell organism cooperating in a quite extraordinary fashion when the food supply was running short.”

Facing a life threatening famine, hordes of single-celled amoeba called dictyostelium gather from every direction and every part of famine territory and turn themselves collectively into a new creature: slime mold. “They group together, forming a community, to achieve goals they could not achieve by themselves.”

Microbiologist Mahlon Hoagland explains how this works: Recognizing pending catastrophe, “a single amoeba, apparently self-appointed, begins to emit a chemical signal. Near-by neighbors, irresistibly drawn to the signal ‘ooze’ over and attach themselves to the signaler. Each new member of the cluster amplifies the signal by releasing its own signal. More amoeba arrive.” It’s sort of like a grassroots flash mob at this point. “Then a startling transformation occurs: The aggregate shapes itself into a slug and begins to migrate to a new location, leaving a trail of slime behind it. As the slug moves the cells differentiate into three distinct types,” each type taking up a task vital to the group’s survival.

They form a creature that looks like a tiny futuristic floor lamp with a base, a post and a round, covered bulb. The base roots the slime mold in its new food-rich environment. The post raises the bulb high so that its equivalent of light will cover as large an area as possible. And what’s the equivalent of light in this amoebic democracy analogy? Spores, like tiny eggs. Dispersed like photons in their new space when the bulb “turns on” and emits them, they become new single-celled amoebae. “And then the cycle begins anew.” Individuals do their own thing until collective-democratic-action is required again to deal with another shared crisis.”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
235: Janie Baby says:

THanks Smile. That feels good to read, I hope one day I could honestly love the part of me that screws up this relationship stuff all the time. Love hte part of me that acts crazy with men and can’t control her hormones.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
236: Simply Goddess says:

Had tears start rolling down my cheeks when I started writing that then. I know that’s what I deserve. I so wish he could be that again.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
237: Laughing Goddess says:

Miss Stix: I totally honor and accept your perspective and I see it a little differently. I feel hesitant to label something words as abuse. I see them as more of a cry for help.

I have been following SG’s situation too.

To be honest, it would feel great right now if we could accept that we both want to best for SG and just see things a little differently. We can all offer our perspective and she can apply what feels right for her.

I feel a little pushed on and uncomfortable right now and I don’t want to be made wrong for my perspective.

We all have our own personal deal breakers.

I know I have used harsh words and name calling at points in my life when I felt stuck and didn’t know what to do. Not something that I am proud of or want to repeat but also not something that I would consider abuse.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
238: Daria says:

Ellen LaConte

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
239: Iamabutterfly says:

@227 Smile – this is what I want to say to him next time I run into him, face-to-face, as no calling/texting has happened in a long time.

it makes me feel angry that guys have such freaking processing difficulties with emotions…

now I feel like a hypocrite, because I always feel like guys are trying to communicate with me without actually talking to me.

I just feel frustrated!

thank you, again. I really appreciate your feedback!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
240: Smile says:

Relax, relax, relax

I feel relaxed lighting a candle and watching it’s flickering flame.

I feel good focussing On me. I love my Sadness. I can feel it wash over me and leave. It doesn’t stay long anymore. Letting go letting go. I can feel my energy pick me up and more me forward.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:56pm
241: Daria says:

“but also not something that I would consider abuse.”

this feels weird… why not?

is there a trigger about seeing oneself as capable of abuse?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:57pm
242: Simply Goddess says:

I know girls. I know. I agree. So why do I find it so hard to walk away. Clinging on to the perfect man he was at times. I feel so much stronger than before. You all help and repeat exactly what my mother, friends, co workers etc are saying. I’m getting there. x x x

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 1:59pm
243: MissStix says:

Laughing goddess

When I have done something similar to the nane calling myself, it was abusive. I was being abusive. Not proud of that myself…But it’s up to each adult to recognise their own behavior and own it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:00pm
244: Daria says:

SG – the speech is not too bad but i def wouldn’t say this ” I don’t think you can be ”

that would destroy the speech

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:01pm
245: Laughing Goddess says:

SG: what you wrote feels authentic and vulnerable. Here is what I would say. I removed a few things that feel a bit blamy.

“I go out more when I feel lonely. When I don’t feel loved and need some fun. I want to settle down. Have a house, family.. Kids and a husband I can worship.. its my dream. I want a man who makes me feel loved and cherished. Who makes me feel like his special girl. Who I could talk to about anything, trust and know he always had my best interests at heart. A man who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. A man I can feel my best, positive self around. You are the man that I want, but this isnt the kind of relationship I want. ***i feel unsure of how to get there with you*** That makes me feel sad.”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:02pm
246: Smile says:

234- Janie baby.

I love the learning and healing that happens

I love this rollercoaster ride! It feels exciting! I feel alive, like I’m living life! I can feel the ups and downs. I love my journey 

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:02pm
247: Daria says:

this feels cool to see as i often get such a strong urge to say something like that to the men at the end of my speeches

it just seems like thats really the POINT of what i want to say, and its not, i want to practice being open and staying with my feelings, not judging him even when my voices are screaming at me judging him and it seems like it makes so much sense

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:03pm
248: Laughing Goddess says:

Miss Stix: I love you. You are truly one of my faves here and I would love to accept that we have different perspectives on this.

I don’t want to argue with you and I don’t want to be pushed to change my views.

I hope you can understand that.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:04pm
249: Mercedes says:

Janie Baby: I’m talking MANY years before you can lean forward with a guy during uncomfortable situations and NEVER if you feel him pulling away. And this: ” I feel angry that I have to play games and step back to get a reaction out of him. ” You don’t. Just allow him to take the lead. He will if he wants to be with you. Don’t expect him to do it. Allow him to do it. And be open to a man who is giving/doing/saying the things you need. He’ll feel it from you and, if he is right for you, he will lead. I promise.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:08pm
250: MissStix says:

Of course LG I love you too! I feel at ease discussing this with you but if you don’t that’s ok too. I would hope I don’t come off as trying to force a change of opinion…But if I do, this must be something I need to work on. I do my best to stay within the expression of my own opinion without bad talking the opposing opinion.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:09pm
251: Laughing Goddess says:

I feel triggered. What would Rori recommend in this situation?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:09pm
252: Starla says:

ohhhh my
it feels almost disturbing to pine for this man as much as i did when we first split.

it’s almost like i’m at square one again, except i’m not. because my new square one is stronger.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:09pm
253: Smile says:

Lamabutterfly, I would def keep it short then with pauses.

I feel like I’m getting better at saying fm rather than texting. I’m feeling more aware of my voice and body language as I do it. Last weekend was great practise for me. It really felt good being aware of my feelings as I spoke.

Fm aren’t yet part of my everyday language. I’m slowly becoming less awkward with it. Saying I feel is becoming more natural now when I speak.

Thanks for helping me around this tonight too.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:10pm
254: Mercedes says:

LG: Hopefully Rori would recommend putting his stuff on the porch…

LOL…sorry…trying to get through my anger at this man I don’t even know…with a little humor.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:11pm
255: Janie Baby says:

Mercedes, that makes sense. Thanks so much for your advice!
I feel scared to let go. If he calls should I answer or let it ring? I feel nervous.
Do I remain open when he calls even though I am upset about the flaking thing? For the most part, he gives me what I want, we see each other more and more throughout the week, but I feel upset when he flakes on calling me because he never used to do this. I don’t know if this is something to give up on or not. I don’t know. I feel like I either build up walls or let them completely down. I want to be strong but not blamey and not angry. I want to stand up for myself without hurting someone.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:13pm
256: Daria says:

“The result of not punishing my children is trust.

While they still have occasional squabbles over toys they need me to help them work out, more and more they can play together for hours and regulate themselves. They still hit each other, but more and more they move away and say, “I’m so mad! I want to hit him” and come to me for a hug. They don’t run away from me, and they respect me.”

http://www.mamaeve.com/effective-discipline/what-does-a-punishment-free-home-look-like/

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:14pm
257: Starla says:

wtf!!!
i am trying to talk myself out of chasing CF and into ignoring ‘signs’ i see that say i should try to connect with him.

so i distract myself with a fortune cookie:)

Except the fortune cookie says “a short trip to the north will bring happiness to your near future.”

guess who lives a short trip north of here?

aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:15pm
258: Smile says:

(((Starla)))

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:15pm
259: Laughing Goddess says:

I feel relieved to read that Miss Stix. I feel understood.

I feel resistant to the idea of simply writing this guy off as a bad guy or abusive. When I take into account all of the text exchanges that I have read between the two, I see lots of argumentative talk between the two of them. I feel curious to see how he would respond if SG was diligent about using FM’s. What has she got to lose?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:15pm
260: Simply Goddess says:

I feel I am so much stronger than before because of this blog. Somewhere to vent. Somewhere to get advice. Somewhere to feel understood at times I doubt myself.

Oh no.. I just sent that whole feeling speech to my co worker instead of him. Now I feel.. Embarrassed. hahaha Ohhhh nooooo.. Damn.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:16pm
261: Smile says:

I chose the left side of the bed. I feel comfortable in this spot!
I feel giggly thinking I might sleep smack bang in the middle, just because I can!!

Night night 

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:18pm
262: Simply Goddess says:

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.. Did I really just do that.. Oh my lord. I did. How embarrasing. Haha.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:18pm
263: Janie Baby says:

hahaha SG, that is kind of funny. I hate it when that happens. maybe it’s some sort of weird sign that you should wait to send something to him?
But then again, I feel that you should do whatever you feel like doing.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:18pm
264: Janie Baby says:

Smile, I like the left side of the bed too but then I like to sneak into the center and spread out instead of feeling sad that J is not on the other side, i feel kind of excited to have the big bed to myself.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:19pm
265: Smile says:

I feel calm lying still, my thoughts feel rested.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:19pm
266: Laughing Goddess says:

To me, this is a good case of being strong on the inside and soft on the outside.

Strong on the inside means no, I will not stand for true abuse. It’s not even a part of my reality. Soft on the outside means I will be vulnerable and share my feelings and be understanding of his.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:20pm
267: Laughing Goddess says:

G’night Smile. Sweet dreams!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:21pm
268: Janie Baby says:

Sometimes it’s fun to have a sense of humor about these guy situations and just accept our silly quirks. I like to sing to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRUX8XEScWI It’s self deprecating but fun I like it, makes everything seem better.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:22pm
269: MissStix says:

I will keep quiet on this now. I do feel a little backed up. I feel a little restrained. I have felt blocked to say what’s truly in my mind from the start. Applied filters. I feel free and at ease when I express my opinion. I feel restrained when I feel I “can’t” because I don’t want to negatively impact people. I should run out anyways. Got some errands on the agenda.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:24pm
270: Daria says:

i feel pain in my heart

i feel so powerless and hot and not at peace thinking ive been judged

and when i ‘see’ the person that triggered me like this online i feel so shut off and shut down

and usually i look down and away and i want to stop that

and actually look them in the eye

i still feel upset

i do not want to be judged as abusive for saying ‘i feel like hitting someone’ when i’m practicing sharing feelings instead of hitting people

and i also think i woud feel scared and numb and mad if someone said to me “i feel like hitting you”

and still triggered and tense if they said “i feel like hitting someone”

i dont know that i could handle that from a man

and i feel ashamed and guilty that i could be triggering that reaction by having the feelings im having

i want to accept all my feelings

i love all my feelings

and i feel so sad to think im being judged

and to feel ignored and shut out

and imagine im being judged as arguing instead of being taken at face value as wanting to know

i feel awful being treated that way, coldly, and ignored

i feel annoyed also on top of that

resentful

i feel ashamed to feel resentful

i judge people when they feel resentful

i love my judgement

i love my shame

i love my resentment

i feel like yelling

im feeling panick

i dont want to feel this heartache pain

i love my heartache pain

ffffffffff

i love my fffffffff

i feel like punching

i love my feeling like punching

i feel small and curled over and hiding from others

i feel like shutting down into myself, into my warm quiet safety

i feel like it would take so much effort to look someone in the eye now

and they would see that my heart feels so achey i supppose

they would see i feel very sad

hmmm

i feel confused why i wouldnt show that

hmmmm

i feel sad

i love my sadness and i love the intrigue of this exploration

and i feel like running away

i feel all tight in my chest

i love the tightness in my chest

and that feels like

tingling all in my cheeks and i love the tingling all in my cheeks

and that feels like

shutting down rage

i love my shutting down

i love my rage

i feel like screaming!

i feel unseen and unloved

i dont want to feel this way

i feel confused

i love my confusion

i feel anger

i love my anger

i feel tremblyness

i love my tremblyness

i feel weighed on

i love my weighed on feeling

i feel like chopping up this imaginary person in my head that i can see there judging me

i dont want this thoughtform and image around anymore

i love my thoughtform and image

whoh!

wow yeah

thank u

i feel pressed on my chest

i love the pressure on my chest

i feel stuffy nosed

i love the stuffey in my nose

i feel pressure up the back of my neck to my skull

i love the pressure up the back of my neck to my skull

i feel Anger!

i love my anger

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:25pm
271: Simply Goddess says:

Yes. I feel I have not stood for it this time, to a point. I have not left ‘complicated relationship’ on my facebook. Ick. It’s single if it’s that way. I haven’t begged, pleaded, chased. I’ve leaned back, taken the abuse and replied back in feeling messages. I have never felt strong enough to send what I really feel and want. Now I feel I have nothing to lose. He can know what I want. I don’t care. I do want all that and why not.

Although I’m absolutely utterly CRINGING my life out now that I sent that whole script to a co worker I don’t even know that well. Jeez Louise.
Why the huge script though. Why Why haha. My life is over. Haha.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:26pm
272: Tereana says:

So, I have a sick day home from work. Ironically, it worked out that all of my appointments vanished, more or less on their own. I cancelled them. But they also moved out of the way themselves. I won’t go into the mechanics of that. But I figure it all makes sense – the Universe just wanted me to take a day off!

So here I am, on the couch with a marathon of TV shows. Soon I will do some writing. But first I thought I’d just check in on the blog.

I sent Vman another email today. I started writing it last night, and today I got up and edited it some more. It was kind of long. I got in a lot of stuff I wanted to say. And hopefully still the pressure is off of him. But basically what I wanted to tell him was that I knew he could do better. He was offering me 10%, and I knew he was capable of more – 110% or even 120%. So I wasn’t willing to settle for less when I knew that more was available. So kind of an all or nothing scenario. But that is what it would have to be if it was going to make me interested. Anything less than that, and I’m moving on. I don’t have time to waste on less than amazing. Because I am not less than amazing : )

Go me!

Raising my vibration and my level of difficulty? Heck yeah!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:26pm
273: MissStix says:

LG

Agreed!

I just… I have not said what I truly think. And I won’t. For SGs sake.

I don’t know if anyone but me sees it, but it is not a productive thing to say.

Hands tied.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:27pm
274: Daria says:

i really really love my anger and my desire to scream and think about ‘fairness’

is it powerless i feel under there

is it humiliated/

i dont know what i feel under, frustrated, tears, hot, pain in my heart

i LOVE my heartpain

i LOVE the pain in my heart

Thank you for triggering me

i get to feel pain in my heart yay!!! i can FEEL…! i am healing!!!!

i LOVE the pain in my heart

i LOVE the numbness throughtout my chest neck and skulll

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:29pm
275: Daria says:

i love my desire to verbally abuse !!! yayyyyy

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:30pm
276: Daria says:

i love these tingles and tension in my face and tongue!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:32pm
277: Simply Goddess says:

His reply to the script.,

“Well have a look at how you act. I try do anything I can to keep you happy and make things better and right. And it obviously isnt enough for you. Its not like you help out back when its needed. Like I’ve said, you obviously have this holiday planned and also make me look a horrible c*nt to people hence them liking the sh1t you put to TRY make me jealous, but it doesn’t bother me one bit! I’ve had it done before. Feels like I try do everything for you but yet you cant do a little thing for me without making it into a drama. Then go out. Maybe thats what I should do. You’re the one who changed everything to single so it’s oviously what you want. Its tough because I was planning on us going to Ireland for weekend, and now its not even happening.

Why should I try make things perfect when I just get headaches and made to look a horrible c*nt in return. So may as well just be the horrible c*nt you make out

And if you think I’m lying about the holiday. Was getting flights with RyanAir and the place we were going to stay was lika a b and ba and boozer call xxxxx.. Just so you know I wasnt making it up”"

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:33pm
278: Mercedes says:

Janie Baby: You’re trying too hard here. Do what feels GOOD to you!

“Do I answer when he calls?” Do you want to?? If you want to and you just let it ring then you are playing games and I hate it when women play games. If you let it ring because you don’t want to talk to him right now then you are being true to yourself.

“Do I remain open when he calls even though I’m upset?” Can’t you be open and still communicate that you are upset? (he should be able to handle you letting him know you aren’t comfortable with the way things have changed between you to).

“For the most part, he gives me what I want, we see each other more and more throughout the week” This is great. Do you tell him this? Does he KNOW he gives you what you want because you’ve thanked him for that? Have you told him how wonderful that makes you feel? Does he know you love the fact that you see him more and more??

And if you DO tell him these things, do you follow it up with a “but I don’t like it when…”??? Because that’s not always a good thing. Men need to hear how much we love what they’re doing without hearing “but…” after the compliment.

“but I feel upset when he flakes on calling me because he never used to do this.” Does he know you feel this way and does he know it scares you to see the difference in him?

“I don’t know if this is something to give up on or not. I don’t know. I feel like I either build up walls or let them completely down. I want to be strong but not blamey and not angry. I want to stand up for myself without hurting someone. ” Then let him take the lead and in the meantime, enjoy your own life with or without him. Have fun. Laugh. Hang with your friends. Trying cooking something crazy new. Dance naked in your living room. Whatever. Just be in a place, within yourself, where you are happy, open and authentic at all times (well…we can’t be happy at all times, but regardless of the emotion, let it be real and about YOU, not about a man). Then, when he calls, he will hear the YOU he’s known and loved for so long.

Just let him lead. Enjoy your own life. Be open to bringing him along for the ride if he wants to join you.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:33pm
279: Tereana says:

Simply Goddess – what feeling speech did you send to your co-worker? The one about the man that you want and all of that? If so, that sounds like a silly scene from a romantic comedy. teehee! It feels giggly to me. Like I’m sure you feel totally embarrassed. But I’m sure it’s not so bad…you can laugh at yourself and still be okay. and just tell your co-worker how embarrassed you feel. You can use your FMs on him, too, and just be honest. It will all be okay

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:34pm
280: Laughing Goddess says:

“If at any point he starts attacking you verbally – try a Power Speech (my Toxic Men program is all about Power Speeches) – where you say something like – “I hear how angry you are. I hear that you’re angry with me…This feels scary, and yet I want to feel heard, and so I want to hear you…and yet I feel really, really bad, and now I’m feeling attacked, and I don’t want to feel attacked. I’m happy to hear how you feel, and I don’t want to be attacked, and so I’m going to leave now…” And just walk backwards and away.

Don’t let him strong-arm you, and don’t let him attack you. Screaming at you is not attacking you. Leaning forward with his face red and his fists in the air is pretty scary, but as long as you’re sure he would never touch you or physically hurt you, you want to be able to stand there while he turns red and screams “I’m just so frustrated with you!” (Even though you’d NEVER say that to him – you’d just say “I’m feeling so frustrated!”)

The more anger that’s unexpressed, the more distant the relationship. There’s no way to heal this without the anger coming up. You have to be able to hear it without folding – even though it may trigger an old traumatic reaction inside you and make you want to run or scream back – or just freeze. See if you can do none of those things (it takes practice) – and simply say how you feel. And when you’ve had enough – just say – “I’ve reached my limit, I can’t hear anymore,” and leave.

If you do this, you’ll break all your old patterns, and you’ll feel so much better and stronger inside. And if he still can’t join in the dialogue to save your relationship – and without attacking you – then you will likely feel less and less for him. It will be YOU losing interest in HIM.

Remember – this isn’t about you being understanding and tolerating him however he is. This is very specifically standing your ground and building YOUR tolerance for being present when he’s angry, and knowing when to walk away when you’ve had enough.

It’s sort of a fearless, powerful thing to do – and he’ll get it right away.”

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/emotional-and-physical-abuse/

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:34pm
281: Simply Goddess says:

Ahh Miss Stix. Don’t feel you have to hold back.
I probably know myself. xx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:35pm
282: Simply Goddess says:

Yes the really bloody long one about the man I want blah blah. Cringetastic. Cringe Cringe Cringe and Cringe some more. Felt brave enough to be really honest and vulnerable with him.. Not my workplace. Hahaha. It is funny. Oh why me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:37pm
283: Daria says:

i love how i can feel myself shutting down when i think fo being open to the poeple who trigger me!

i love my trick of prtending what triggered me happened with other people and these people nwo are cool and im just sharing my feelings with them about what happened with other people

yes i felt so mad

i felt judged! it felt Horrible! omg u guys

i still feel so upset abou tit

i felt totally misudnerstood and not seen

and i felt vulnerable and scared and not loved, i felt attacked and not supported

ohhh it was awful

i wish Rori was there to support me and she wasnt and i felt like somoen sprayed icky juice on me and said i was bad

and i felt totally shut out

and my heart felt ACHY like ouch tight in my chest

and i still feel so sad

i feel so upset that i was treated that way

i dont want to be treated that way

i feel uncomfortable and upset about it still

i want to cry and i dont feel like crying, i feel tight in my chest

i feel hounded my imagined repetitions of how it went down

i feel so sad

i hear “why does this always happen to me”

ohhhh

its been several times that i got the impression friends turned on me

and now i feel scared im turning on people eek

i feel panicked

i feel like running away from these images

i feel overwhelmed

i feel lik ei cant cope

i feel desperate for validation that im OK and that im right, that they’re wrong, for jduging me for that

i feel scared, i feel shame!

i feel scared that they’re right and it’s actually NOT safe to express myself fully, when it may scare other people

and also i feel ashamed that i feel scared sometimes when people express Themselves

and i feel hopeless

i love my hopeless feeling and my sadness

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:38pm
284: Mercedes says:

SG: He’s being controlling and manipulative. Please ignore him…even if just for one night…please…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:40pm
285: Simply Goddess says:

I didnt ‘help out’ having his kid this weekend because I’m sick of him making decisions and expecting me to step up
I’m sick of feeling used
I don’t want to be in his mums all weekend while hes at work when she isnt even speaking to me! – I havnt been for months. She has deleted me from her facebook.
He actually got angry before I even replied to the TEXTS he sent about this weekend. He didnt even verbally mention it.

I only went out because I was sat at home alone and he was ignoring me, plus he was working all weekend – 12 hour days. When I was out this weekend my friend said to go to Ibiza with everyone next year. He’s been ignoring me so I said I might. Jesus.

You’d think he’d been the perfect boyfriend and I was doing all this to him.

Just venting here so I don’t to him.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:52pm
286: Simply Goddess says:

I didnt ‘help out’ having his kid this weekend because I’m sick of him making decisions and expecting me to step up
I’m sick of feeling used
I don’t want to be in his mums all weekend while hes at work when she isnt even speaking to me! – I havnt been for months. She has deleted me from her facebook.
He actually got angry before I even replied to the TEXTS he sent about this weekend. He didnt even verbally mention it.

I only went out because I was sat at home alone and he was ignoring me, plus he was working all weekend – 12 hour days. When I was out this weekend my friend said to go to Ibiza with everyone next year. He’s been ignoring me so I said I might. Je sus.

You’d think he’d been the perfect boyfriend and I was doing all this to him.
Hes ignored me all weekend, changed our rel status and been a general tosser! Cry for help maybe but he’s going about it all the wrong way.

Just venting here so I don’t to him.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:53pm
287: MissStix says:

omg weeeeeeee my oldest and bestest (the guy I was supposed to see on my bday) just invited me out tomorrow I feel happy and excited.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:54pm
288: Laughing Goddess says:

Erg…..

I how can I honor and take care of myself right now?

I feel a smile creeping on my face just asking myself that question.

Aha! Yes, my channelling list. I will pick up the living room. I always feel better when my space is tidy. I will make myself something delicious to eat. I will listen to uplifting talks and music, perhaps dance if the urge hits me.

I’m not a victim. That’s one thing I know for sure.

I feel whole and empowered.

Love love love to me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:54pm
289: Simply Goddess says:

I guess so Mercedes.
Me bad – he had a secret romantic getaway booked for that complicated relationship of his.
How confused is he.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:56pm
290: Laughing Goddess says:

I feel relieved that I was able to communicate to mr man that I was feeling irritable today and needed space in a way that he didn’t take personally.

I feel proud of myself.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 2:59pm
291: MissStix says:

SG

Well…My mind keeps drifting back to that bra you found with all this extreme “Go on the offensive” behavior.

I also see, in this most current text, him blaming you and saying you are doing to him what he is actually doing to you. Mirroring.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:00pm
292: Simply Goddess says:

So you suspect possible cheating?
I could suspect it myself.. He’s so secretive with his phone.

What does the mirroring mean? xx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:02pm
293: Laughing Goddess says:

I also feel excited about my big boobies. I feel a little shy to say that. They are growing now yet still feel perky!!!

That sort of makes up for the fact that other parts of my body are changing and getting thicker.

I’m at that weird stage where I don’t really look pregnant, just like I am putting on weight.

I feel a little uncomfortable with that.

Awwww, I love me.

And I do love these big perky boobies. I’m gonna work them while I’ve got them!!!!

Hahahaha!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:04pm
294: Starla says:

SG, as someone who has been an “abuser” like him before, I can say with certainty that he is reacting to feeling like he’s being persecuted, made wrong, and perceived to be something he doesn’t want to be seen as (a nut) which is making him act nuttier. He is very concerned with what other people think of him, etc.

I would tell him

“ohhhh, (name), no one thinks you’re a c*nt. don’t even worry about other people; this is between you and me. and right now, i am not feeling like i can handle talking about this productively when things are so… intense. would feel better to talk when things are calmer.”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:04pm
295: Simply Goddess says:

I’m also confused myself about the need for the ‘complicated relationship’ on facebook. It was random. Also when he took it off last time it seemed top me a struggle for him to put it back on. Not good. Hmm.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:04pm
296: MissStix says:

Mirroring happens for lots of reasons…The one that stands out most, for me, in your scenario is that deep down he may have negative feelings over his own behavior (I can only speculate: guilt, maybe.) So he projects that onto you *subconsciously, in order to relieve his own negative feelings.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:06pm
297: Tam says:

what a day. MrNap has finally disappeared. I feel like going to bed, it is 6pm. I am going to paint my nails. I feel exhausted.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:07pm
298: Mercedes says:

“he had a secret romantic getaway booked for that complicated relationship of his.” – No he didn’t. He used too many words to try to get you to believe he wasn’t lying. He’s being manipulative. He’s not interested in a romantic relationship. He’s interested in using you and making sure you do what he says when he says it.

Be DONE!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:09pm
299: Laughing Goddess says:

Ahhh, I surrender. Everyone is living their own lives and its beautiful and they are on the right track and I can just surrender and be a warm, sandy beach and I don’t have to control or do or say anything.

I can just melt into this moment and be and that feels luxuriously freeing.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:09pm
300: MissStix says:

Starla

Excellent.

SG

I don’t want to call anyone a “cheater” I am trying to remove that from my vocab. But yes, I get the feeling he may be spending time with other women in a way you would not feel comfortable with.

And…I don’t know for sure. You know? But I do feel glad to see you have your eyes open.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:09pm
301: Simply Goddess says:

and what could I say do about that Miss Stix.
I don’t trust him really.. I’ve found things before.
He swears he’d never cheat or anything. Although he’s done it to his ex. He lies alot too. Not good. Here lies all our problems.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:09pm
302: Laughing Goddess says:

Starla 293

Oh yes! I like!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:11pm
303: Simply Goddess says:

I feel triggered by it now. Don’t worry though Miss Stix it’s because deep inside I have been stuffing down the thoughts and feelings related to him possibly cheating.
He’s done it in the past.
He’s ultra secretive with his 2 phones.
I mean I found a bra yano. I let it go. I haven’t even mentioned it.
I’ve found dirty pics etc before.
He cheated on his ex.
How can I ever trust him?

However, to be fair. Over summer hes spent all his time at mine. Every day/night. I dunno. It makes me feel really sad and hurt to think so.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:15pm
304: Simply Goddess says:

Then again, the defensiveness might be related to as Starla said, being perceived to be a ‘nut’

I feel like ranting at him now and giving him a piece of my mind about other women.. It would feel good and then bad.
I’m unsure as to whether to send Starlas suggestion.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:16pm
305: Mel says:

((((Simply Goddess))))

I feel pained for you. It doesn’t feel good. Maybe it can be, but the only way to get there is to turn the stuck energy elsewhere… on you.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:18pm
306: MissStix says:

SG

The only thing to do with that information is to use it for your own benefit. You can’t accuse him…Or even blame him really. It will get you nowhere. Trust me on that…

You can use it to help you let go, and move on. If that’s what you want. If you don’t want to let go and move on the only thing you can do is forget it happened and hope it doesn’t happen again. It’s a really sh!tty place to be. I tried for 2 years to do that with my husband and I never gained my trust back and he just ended up doing it again. It’s a bad cycle.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:19pm
307: Simply Goddess says:

…but what if he hasnt.
Feel overwhelmed with issues.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:23pm
308: MissStix says:

And I agree with mel…Move through how you feel and zoom your focus out if you can. Try writing out just how you feel without any referrence to him. It may help you move through it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:23pm
309: Simply Goddess says:

“it’s human nature to want to defend yourself when you think you’re being made out to be the sole bad guy in a situation”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:24pm
310: MissStix says:

SG

Maybe he hasn’t…Has or hasn’t. Doesn’t really matter. This is why I said I felt it wasn’t productive to bring it up.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:24pm
311: Mel says:

I love that I can choose to remove my energy from a situation that feels bad. No blame, just gotta do something that feels better. Last week was intense on the home-front. Lots of negative vibes (not directed AT me per-se). I felt like I was in the crossfire of laser beams shooting prickles and pokey things.

I got ‘snapped-at’ at one point…. I just said “oooooh, ouch…..hmmmm…. I feel bad. My words did not mean that I feel like I want to give you a kiss… but maybe just on your cheek…. but then it would feel good for me to take the dogs for a walk, because that will feel really nice right now.” And then I left him to make dinner by himself.

And I did not feel even a little bit guilty or bad for it. And I did not blame or make him wrong. I just did what felt better.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:26pm
312: Simply Goddess says:

I know. But bringing it up or not. The issues are still there non the less. It’s still another thing I have thought myself before. We’re on the same page. I just can never know if he has.. or hasn’t. That’s hard.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:27pm
313: MissStix says:

Anyways…I have said more than enough. More than I feel comfortable with. ((((you)))) I am here for you, but I feel more at ease to bow out of discussing him for now. You’re in my heart!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:28pm
314: MissStix says:

<3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:29pm
315: Simply Goddess says:

I know. Thank you.. You’ve been great. xxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:30pm
316: MissStix says:

I am rooting for you!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:35pm
317: Janie Baby says:

SG, whenever I feel insecure in relationships about other women, I just focus on myself. there’s no way of knowing if he has or hasn’t, and that’s really hard, but the only thing that matters is how he makes YOU feel when you’re with him. and if you feel insecure and like you can’t trust him whether he HAS cheated or NOT, you would feel happier without him. Investing time in investigating whether a man has or has not cheated does nothing to serve you. You cannot control others, but you can control how you feel.

and Mercedes, thansk for the advicee! Love it <3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:38pm
318: LiliBee says:

68:

(((Starla))),

That used to happen to me when I would get to feeling lonely.

Even if Warrior didn’t feel right for you, and you made the decision, it still feels lonely after.
That loneliness is likely what is prompting you to turn your focus back on CF.

You probably know this already.
But it brings back memories for me.

Your so great at taking care of yourself.
I feel sure you’ll be back to your self care rituals soon.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:44pm
319: MissStix says:

I still, to this day do not know for sure exactly what happened when my ex was spending time with those girls. I saw the texts. He did me the service of telling me he was not “in love” anymore. We still tried. It just didn’t work. I feel a little sad looking back, but when I bring my focus back to now I feel ok about it. Good about it in fact. Because it is easier, and more fair to focus on the fact that our relationship had gone sour. We both wanted out by the end. But it was mostly a good 7.5 years…The last 2 years, however brutally rough still had an immense amount of love sent back and forth. Sigh…He is on my mind. I had a bad dream with him in it the night before last…And the next day he invited me to his 30th. Sating in the FB event “happy pipes-giving! all I want for my birthday is pipes ”. Which was all I ever asked for for any gift giving holiday. A glass pipe for my collection. Every month or so he is sure to remind me he’s alive and thinking of me. Last time it was the text and call from linkin park after they played the song that reminds him of me. I feel and see major signs from the universe these past few days. I have yet to work them out…I feel a little melancholy in this moment. I don’t know for sure if I will go to his party or not. I never did see him after I “rescheduled” when I said yes to the date. I never showed up. Is the universe telling me to show up? Or was the abandonment/apocalypse dream a sign NOT to show up.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:47pm
320: MissStix says:

What still needs healing, universe?

Am I ready to have him express desires to romance me and actually say “I feel opposed to that. I don’t feel that way about you, and could not. I don’t want to.”

Could I? Could I say that to his face? Would that fuel his desire? Should I leave this be and just never show up? Just allow him to keep popping up and continue to move through it and on and up?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 3:56pm
321: MissStix says:

I suddenly feel very old. Like…I have 80 years of behind me. This is not the first time I have felt this “weary and wisened” feeling.

I am choosing to let this go for now. I am blinded to a resolution. If I focus on my time with bestie tomorrow and the inevitable bear hug I can easily pull back and revisit this later.

mmmmmmmmm bear hug.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:06pm
322: April Rose says:

Janie Baby,

I replied to your initial posting on the previous thread.

Did you see it?
(quite a long answer with lots of Rori tips)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:10pm
323: MissStix says:

I was watching that movie stepmom yesterday with julia roberts and when she says her man “It’s not that I can’t cook, it’s that I choose not to. There’s a difference.” I thought of sirens.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:13pm
324: MissStix says:

When she says it she is sitting on the kitchen counter as he cooks for her and he goes to her and kisses her. Total siren moment.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:15pm
325: Laughing Goddess says:

April Rose!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:16pm
326: Starla says:

thank you, lilibee

your words feel soothing

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:22pm
327: Laughing Goddess says:

(((Starla)))

I feel unsure of what to say. I feel confused about the CF situation and don’t want to give you bad advice.

I do feel very appreciative you and our friendship. And I do feel trusting that whatever you choose to do, you’re gonna be a rockstar.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:35pm
328: April Rose says:

Laughing Goddess,

Your posting 279 just stopped me in my tracks

What a post!!!!
So many times I’ve asked on here if sirens know what ‘facilitating anger’ looks like.

“The more anger that’s unexpressed, the more distant the relationship. There’s no way to heal this without the anger coming up.”

Sh*t Sh*t Sh*t !!!!!!!!!!!

Wm’s anger has been coming up massively for the last three months (ever since I stayed out overnight with EM)
I have stood vulnerably in the face of it.

It continued. It erupted. Mostly I held my ground without folding. I have not become defensive.

Now he has gone to another woman.

I feel sad. I realise the anger was healthy.
I intend for it to continue to heal.
I will carry on with my siren way of being in his presence.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:42pm
329: Laughing Goddess says:

Goddess Lilly #6

A natural remedy that I have been really into lately is oil pulling. It’s seems so simply yet seems to have profoundly healing effects on people.

I’m actually doing it right now.

Basically you swish oil in your mouth (sesame, sunflower, coconut) for 20 mins on an empty stomach.

The oil pulls out all sorts of nasty bacteria and viruses from your blood stream. The oil somehow attracts the lipid-based cell walls of the nasties. Then you spit it out in toilet.

There lots of info on the web about it and I have personally had some great results although I got out of the habit of doing it.

I’m just getting started again because I have a tooth that is giving me problems. I would much rather do this than take an antibiotic.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:42pm
330: April Rose says:

I feel afraid to trigger him to anger.

It seems it will pour out anyway.

I don’t want the healing flow to stop, just because he got off my horse.

I hold and love myself in the face of this necessary healing. I remind myself that expressing anger shortens the distance.

I feel so mortified to be shouted at. It doesn’t feel dignified in the least.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:46pm
331: Tam says:

Hm. I have decided that I am not going quietly. I shall hide for a couple of days and then if I still feel like it tell him how I felt regarding that email.
It would feel better to let it out and be done with it.
He is clueless. I believe that he doesn’t do this to hurt me but it shows that he is not able to do authentic talk.
I am not going there Wednesday. It was possibly the last opportunity to see face to face because after I send my response, it is unlikely that either of us will muster up the energy to meet.
We have the same issues and just clash and hurt each other and ourselves. It isn’t going anywhere, and because neither of us if happy when the other says ‘just friends’ (so it seems), it is a neverending cycle. I want out.
It’s going to be ok.
I get back on my horse and enjoy my beautiful life.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:49pm
332: Laughing Goddess says:

(((April Rose)))

Ya, that post has been super helpful for me. Sounds like you knew what to do intuitively. That feels pretty awesome.

I’ve been pondering this WM situation. I’m not really feeling so sure that he is in love with this other woman as much as he is trying to get to you.

I know you are feeling rejected and at the same time, this feels like it could be a real gift as you are freed up to pursue what you really want.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:50pm
333: April Rose says:

It’s counter-intuitive, I’m sure.

Facing the onslaught of a man’s anger makes me think the relationship is in a terrible place and falling apart.

He has years and years of supressed anger. So do I.
I have expressed a lot of mine at him, in damaging ways. So much so that he says he felt totally undermined and I drove him to seek counselling

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:52pm
334: Tam says:

I need to continue to heal, what he does is not my problem, if he chooses to stay stuck that’s fine.
But I need to heal.
Thank you for the trigger.
Thank you for not respecting my boundaries.
I am standing firm on my boundaries and I welcome the trigger and use it as an opportunity to grow.
I do not have to go to my old ways. I can do this. I can speak authentically and let go.
I had let go already.
I feel fine.
I feel tired.
I feel resolve to work on myself.
I feel resolve to look after myself.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:53pm
335: Tam says:

A man’s anger scares me. I choose to believe that he is not angry with me but himself.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:54pm
336: Butterfly Wings says:

226 MissStix – Yup, it ‘s a classic case of psychological abuse, and I waited NINE years for my ex to stop treating me that way.

I would never ever ever ever tolerate a man calling me (and especially my mother!!!) the C word. Really??? Even my abusive ex didn’t go that far!

SG, please, for your own sake, do what is best for you! And I think you know what that is!

xxxxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 4:55pm
337: Butterfly Wings says:

236 LG – it IS abuse, but yes, it’s also a cry for help. But unfortunately many men in that situation never get the help they need. My ex is the perfect example. He now directs his abuse toward my daughter. That to me is NOT acceptable. EVER.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:02pm
338: April Rose says:

Tam,

Yes. Totally agree. He is angry at himself. And also at me for highlighting his weaknesses.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:05pm
339: Dominique says:

Ladies All – Abuse is never okay, NEVER, not the physical kind, not the sexual kind, not the emotional kind, and not words.

(This is one of the very few times I’m okay with using the word never, for I believe the words, always, never, and should need to be eliminated from you vocabulary.)

There is just no excuse for it. I don’t care how upset or angry someone might be, abuse is not okay.

I learned my lesson well around this. Please learn it for yourself too.

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:09pm
340: Butterfly Wings says:

276 SG – Clear and simple manipulation. Trying to make YOU look like the bad guy and to make you feel guilty.

When I was in therapy at the end of my first marriage, she warned me that he would try something like that. And yep he did!

I just want to hug you now and tell you to run from this man who is taking no responsibility whatsoever for his part.

It doesn’t make him a “bad” man, but it most definitely makes him bad for you, because that’s now how you want or deserve to be treated right?

A leopard only changes his spots if he WANTS to….

xxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:11pm
341: April Rose says:

Tam,

I have taken your own words and chosen the ‘I feels’ and ‘don’t wants’.
And I wonder if you have ever expressed anything as raw as this to him?

“I just feel so sick of this.
I don’t want to be part of this anymore.
I don’t want to have to think about this anymore.
I feel hurt by that email.
I feel pain.

I feel helpless and hopeless for anything ever to change. I actually feel defeated.”

I wonder how healing it would be for you. To simply send that message in response. And leave it at that.
Think of it as a generous and authentic last shot at letting him see you.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:11pm
342: April Rose says:

Dominique,

I called him some bad words.
Is that abuse?
Should he have left me then?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:13pm
343: Butterfly Wings says:

284 SG – You are NOT his daughter’s babysitter. So yes, as a parent, he should check things with you BEFORE he makes plans.

I always felt kind of guilty leaving my youngest with TH, but he never minded. And of course I never just assumed he would do it…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:14pm
344: Dominique says:

April Rose – Circumstance is everything. Without details, I cannot answer this. It’s possible yes, that your words may have been abusive. But then again, everyone has their breaking point. The point if when pushed to, will have you snap and have you say and even do things out of character.

Isolated instances of spouting do not abuse make. It’s the pattern of repeated occasions, it’s the turning things around to make you feel wrong or bad which abuse makes.

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:19pm
345: Goddess Lily says:

321-MissStix,

Love it, so triggered by that and my ex but I love it!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:21pm
346: Tam says:

Aw April Rose, I feel so touched that you wrote this out for me (aw, tears now).
How lovely, thank you.
I will surely incorporate this into my response. I have drafted a very vulnerable and open email to him. And I feel very generous for doing that, yes.
It is not for me to elicit a response, it is for me to honour myself and my truth and to say that I am there if he wants to engage in a good-feeling way. And also that I feel like chucking it all away because like this, it is not working, not the friendship or whatever.
I have also said that I feel confused about the ;just friends’ but that I stated it, as it feels the best way and the safest space for me, to explore because I am confused about my feelings.
Hm.
I will see if I still feel like sending it tomorrow. I don’t feel he is deserving of it. But again, I am deserving of speaking my truth.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:29pm
347: April Rose says:

Dominique,

I have repeatedly made him wrong.
I felt somehow threatened and so I lashed out to protect my own masculine ego. I was in a power battle.

Since then I’ve been consciously withdrawing from the power struggle, and getting into feminine energy.
He is expressing his anger like never before.

He admits to holding things in in a ‘passive aggressive’ way until now.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:31pm
348: Butterfly Wings says:

337 Dominique – I agree with you 100%, and my therapist told me that verbal abuse can actually be more harmful than physical abuse in a way, because it leaves the victim with no tangible reason to leave.

SG, if he had physically hit you, would you still want to stick around?

I personally would suggest he gets help for his anger issues, then turn and walk away until such time as he can prove he’s made some positive changes.

YOU cannot fix this – he has to do it on his own.

I just hope he doesn’t do this in front of his daughter…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:31pm
349: Goddess Lily says:

136-Dominique,

I don’t know exactly what I want to know. I just know there is more out there to learn. Does that make sense?

Like LG re 327, thank you for that. I will look into it……or just try it. . I feel so open to new things right now.

I feel so sireny and beautiful right now, like flirting with imaginary, invisible future CDs in my kitchen….of course that could be the sake talking. I just had a wonderful dinner with one of my gfs. Perhaps I will use this positive vibe to answer emails on match.com……ahem I mean study for my exam.

(Also feeling powerful for not trying to contact my work ex with my sake courage. He has not earned this Rockstar!)

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:32pm
350: Tam says:

The thing that made me change my view is that he addressed me with my pet-name, twice. And he does not normally do this when angry and lashing out. The whole tone of the email is confusing me but the fact that he started it kind of tenderly…it made me feel like he is just as confused as me.
Urgh. Mess.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:32pm
351: April Rose says:

((((Tam))))

You sure are deserving of expressing your truth.
And especially if you express it to someone you judge as undeserving of it, it will open places in you for healing that could be opened in no other way.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:34pm
352: Tam says:

345, AR he admits to being passive aggressive. that is a real biggie. In my experience (I did a little work in the field), they RARELY if EVER admit that.
Big insight.
Is there hope?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:34pm
353: Tam says:

349, yes AR…and I suddenly don’t feel angry anymore. It is magical. Even just drafting my truth has healed me lots right now.
I feel exhausted and at peace.
And like I couldn’t care less what happens.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:36pm
354: Dominique says:

April Rose – 345 – So what can I help you with now? Do you want to keep this relationship? Are you willing to ride out his period of adjustment? Is he maybe not liking the change? Maybe preferring the old you, for maybe it’s familiar to him from his past, and deep down this is what he’s attracted to?

You’re well aware of your old patterns and have actively worked to change this. What are you looking for now? Back to my first question; how can I help?

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:38pm
355: Butterfly Wings says:

Sorry about my triggerfest up there. But after recently rescuing my daughter from a verbally abusive father, it is just something I will NEVER tolerate in my life ever again, and I especially will not tolerate a grown man calling my beautiful 14 year old child abusive names. EVER.

Yes, I get that my ex has his own issues, but he’s had over a decade to work them out, but he’s not done a single thing about it, hence why wife #3 is about to leave him for the exact same reasons why wife #1 and I left him.

It’s a dealbreaker for me, and I swore over 12 years ago that I would never be with someone like that again. So far I’m doing good with that promise! lol

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:41pm
356: Dominique says:

Goddess Lily – Do you have any physical issues, hormonal imbalances, anything you would like to address?

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:41pm
357: Dominique says:

Herbs are/can be powerful substances. You don’t want to be trying them just to try them.

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:45pm
358: April Rose says:

Thank you Dominique,

Your words always help.

I guess I just don’t know what kind of relationship the turnaround will create. it’s still in progress.

He has seemingly resisted my shift into feminine energy.
Yet his anger has come up as a result and I judge this as healing.

I suppose only time will tell. I am not about to return to a masculine role, for any man. I love my feminine nature too deeply.

I am pretty sure he loves her too.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:47pm
359: Tam says:

Tam’s word of the day: ‘triggerfest’. Thank you BW.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:47pm
360: April Rose says:

Tam,

I’m loving your magical, peaceful vibe.

Rest well, siren.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:48pm
361: April Rose says:

Rori says to take rest time after feeling your way through triggers.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:49pm
362: Butterfly Wings says:

Anytime Tam!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:49pm
363: Tam says:

Thank you April Rose, you too
You have helped me to get to the peaceful vibe tonight!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:49pm
364: Tam says:

Resting feels good..going to bed now at 9pm..this feels good. I feel healing.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:50pm
365: Goddess Lily says:

354-Dominique,

Well lets see. I have extreme stress at work and whenever I interact with my mother. I cant focus worth a darn anymore….unless I’m eating. My memory and general ability to retain information appears to be shot for anything useful. I have low energy most of the day. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is how good it will feel to go back to sleep at night. And to top it off, I have pretty consistent, albeit minor most of the time, back pain.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:55pm
366: Dominique says:

April Rose – Remember too that you don’t want to be in his head. What he is thinking and feeling is not for you to guess or even ponder. Your job is to continue on the path you have chosen, the one which feels right for you, the one which feels good to you. If he comes along for the ride, wonderful. If he doesn’t want to, also wonderful. If he can’t or won’t step up, someone else will. Someone who will love and cherish this blossoming goddess which is you.

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 5:58pm
367: Butterfly Wings says:

No email yet from NWG (dammit – he has been fun!) but FBD has been emailing me and poking me on FB, so I still have my distraction.

I’m trying to come up with a way to get myself some cute male penpals that I can flirt with. Can you do that through the dating sites?

I am really just looking for a distraction and nothing more for now…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:01pm
368: Daria says:

im feeling sad, left out, bummed

i feel abused through being ignored. shut out.

it feels painful

“this isn’t fair” is a thought i often have… i wonder whats under that?

feeling powerless. feeling in pain. feeling loneliness. feeling hopelessness.

i love my feelings

it feels so challenging for me to be with these feelings.

thank u for the trigger.

i feel a desire to guilt trip.

i feel shame.

i feel freedom! whoa i feel surprised

hehe

omgosh wow i feel relief

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:03pm
369: Dominique says:

Goddess Lily – Much if not all of your symptoms are likely stress related. Depression likely too though I prefer to say gray clouds. So the gentle remedies, yet powerful, to try are Rescue Remedy, safe for anyone to use and anytime.

Chamomile and lavender are two more gentle remedies.

Stronger potions might be valerian root though this one is strong and habit forming, so use with caution and sparingly.

St. John’s Wort is wonderful for the gray clouds though it takes two weeks to kick in. Motherwort is a lovely yet subtle mood elevator as well which can be used all the time on a regular basis, effects noted immediately.

Feeling tired is probably a symptom of your gray clouds.

Meditation would be wonderful for you as would yoga.

xxoo

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:05pm
370: Laughing Goddess says:

Simply Goddess: I feel curious if you feel abused?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:06pm
371: Daria says:

“> > I was reading through the digest and some of the stricter replies
> > reminded me of being a child in my mom’s mean spirited house

This has been troubling me, but I’ve been struggling to articulate why – I’ve had a busy couple weeks, and the most sensible reply I’ve had in my head has been “Ouch”.

I don’t believe any parent thinks of him or herself as “mean spirited” – the vast majority of parents believe they’re doing what they do as parents for the good of their children, that it’s actually necessary to be hard (or strict) for their kids’ benefit. That’s what makes whole life unschooling such a leap – that’s why it was such a leap for me, years ago, because I’d been immersed for years in all the old parenting “wisdom” that “no means I love you” and “I have to do this to teach my kids…”

I started out as a very strict step-mom for Ray, honestly believing it was in his best interests – and I still believe it was better than the chaos he experienced before. Strict was a step up for him, because it gave him safety and predictability. Over time, I modified what I was doing based on what was and wasn’t working – and Ray was an intense kid so it wasn’t hard to tell one from the other I knew nothing good about unschooling – the unschoolers I met either had very easy children or the families were disaster areas – so I blundered along by trial and error for a few years.

I could see rules failing – the more “consistent” I got the less they made real sense, and so the less truly consistent the rules became. That was a giant Aha! moment for me – that the meanings were more important than the rules. I could see teaching failing; no matter how hard I worked to make homeschool fun and exciting and targeted exactly to Ray’s interests, he was bored and uninspired. I could see discipline failing. And at the same time, what was working was saying yes, looking for options, offering support, being proactive, being more thoughtful, more mindful, kinder. Being Ray’s stepmom shook up my worldview.

But while I can look back and see that it was never necessary to be hard and yes, even sometimes cruel “for his own good” I never felt mean doing those things. I really thought I had to do them. I was wrong, but I wasn’t mean for the sake of being mean. I was mean because I thought it would teach him something valuable.

A lot of times – maybe most of the time – parents come to unschooling with hurts from their own childhood, resentment and anger and other things aimed at their own parents. Sometimes adults need to vilify their parents for awhile to get past some of that hurt, but it’s better when that’s just a stage you go through than it is to dwell there. It’s better because that kind of thinking – that some people are mean or bad or cruel as an aspect of their spirit – is dehumanizing in the same way “kids need discipline” is dehumanizing.

—Meredith”

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:08pm
372: Daria says:

thank you Daria for asking my dad to get my other phone hooked up

thank you for asking to get snacks

thank you for feeding me yummy stuff

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:11pm
373: Butterfly Wings says:

Hmmm trying to set up a POF profile and feeling VERY triggered.

What if someone I know sees me on there????

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:14pm
374: Annie says:

296: Mercedes says:And Butterfly wings re therapist.

“he had a secret romantic getaway booked for that complicated relationship of his.” – No he didn’t. He used too many words to try to get you to believe he wasn’t lying. He’s being manipulative. He’s not interested in a romantic relationship. He’s interested in using you and making sure you do what he says when he says it.

Be DONE!”

I feel intrigued curious. In the past I have not been able to know when I am being manipulated. And have been very naive wanting to believe peoples words and ending up being the one apologizing believing that was the bad one. Wanted to know more on how you knew this was manipulation. I feel concerned that I didn’t see it as that and wanted to believe what he had written. Although him calling Simply Goddess a Biaaaatch and her Mother a cunnnnntt etc made me feel scared. And the other stuff about him complaining about ex’s like he is reliving the story and makes my intinct is he subconsciously hates women.

What do you think?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:14pm
375: Annie says:

364: Dominique says:

“April Rose – Remember too that you don’t want to be in his head. What he is thinking and feeling is not for you to guess or even ponder. Your job is to continue on the path you have chosen, the one which feels right for you, the one which feels good to you. If he comes along for the ride, wonderful. If he doesn’t want to, also wonderful. If he can’t or won’t step up, someone else will. Someone who will love and cherish this blossoming goddess which is you.

xxoo”

I love these beautiful words.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:21pm
376: Butterfly Wings says:

Annie, I didn’t realise I was being manipulated either. But when I told my therapist what was happening, it was clear as day for her. I now see how my ex is doing this with my daughter.

SHE is feeling guilty for not wanting to live with him anymore. I said to her “How guilty do you think he feels when he’s calling you names and yelling at you?”.

She got it then. I just hate that I could not protect her from his abuse, but am feeling grateful now that she no longer has to live in that environment. He’s done more than enough to warrant custody to be granted to me, even if he tries to fight it – verbal abuse of children is now taken very seriously here.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:21pm
377: Annie says:

Ty Butterfly Wings.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:30pm
378: Lucy says:

Wow Daria, thanks for that article! I have actually been wondering… At first as I read it I was thinking No, that’s not correct, not quite right… but then when I got to the third waters I was like That’s It! The third one describes exactly what I have been experiencing. It’s incredible. It makes my brain feel unbelievably amazing. Lol. thanks – now I know what’s going on.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:35pm
379: Butterfly Wings says:

Holy sh*t. Just set up a POF profile with NO pics, and OMG I’m being inundated with messages! WTF????

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:48pm
380: MissStix says:

BW

I feel curious, how many years passed before he turned his anger towards your daughter?

((((her)))) And how is she feeling through all of this?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:54pm
381: MissStix says:

BW

Fresh meat

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:54pm
382: Femininewoman says:

That’s the way it is BW.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 6:55pm
383: Heart says:

Hi Sirens -Dated myself yesterday…I went to a gym, spa & hate a facial. I feel a little sad and a little excited today.

Hope all of you are doing ok. I feel soft….♥

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:03pm
384: Daria says:

Lucy – haha wow thats GREAT! i feel big smily!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:04pm
385: Butterfly Wings says:

380 MissStix – I left him 12 years ago and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s been particularly bad. But it’s escalated over the last few months.

Before that it was directed at his wife, and my daughter would call me to come and get her away from it. It was quite traumatic for her to witness it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:05pm
386: Daria says:

i’m feeling so great ladies i was feeling kinda spilled marbles in my head and getting ready for a nap, and before that i decided to return a man’s call from his vm yesterday

and wow it felt so great to talk to him he was so intelligent and “conscious” about energy and people (i didn’t mention Anything about that) and listening to him talk felt Awesome and soothing and now i feel smoothed like thick butter on bread mmmmmmm

i dont even need a nap anymore thak you wonderful man

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:06pm
387: LoveAlways says:

Good evening sirens:

I feel calmer tonight. HScd has been calling me. Speaking in feeling messages, feeling a multitude of things as he apologized, explained, soothed and declared. I just leaned back because I have no control over him or his life. I control me alone. I feel safe now speaking to him. I feel ashamed for loving him still, but realize I need to embrace this and feel through it. Starting to cd slowly too. No more dating sites for me. That doesn’t feel good to me anymore. I’m letting the universe bring cds to me, old ones and new ones, and I’m experiencing them moment by moment with no expectations. I feel to hurt to have any expectations of HScd. He is in a bad place, but that’s his own journey, and I have mine. Slowly getting back into myself, baby step by baby step.

Want to thank all of you for being there for me these past few days. I was really really really deep in my pits and it was unbearable except for all the hugs and support you ladies gave me.

(((((((((LOVING HUG)))))))))))))

LoveAlways

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:13pm
388: MissStix says:

((((((((((((((((((lovealways)))))))))))))))))))

<3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:17pm
389: LoveAlways says:

Heart

Your date with your self sounds inspiring. I feel anxious about scheduling one while I’m feeling so emotional, but it could be just what I need to develop a different perspective. It would force me to stop crying all the time (I only cried once today – yea me!). Thank you for sharing that.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:17pm
390: LoveAlways says:

Thank you Miss Stix – I’m healing and it feels good

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:19pm
391: LoveAlways says:

I feel ansy – I feel worried about not having someone to have s3x with anymore. I need to heal this because I feel vulnerable. I feel raw in my heart and the thought of kisses on my neck burns anxiety and jumpiness into my mind. I feel scared and out of control being so nervous. I feel perplexed that I can’t disconnect my emotions from my vjj

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:23pm
392: LiliBee says:

(((LoveAlways))),

You are so not alone.
I’m just climbing out of my own deep funk just now.

I feel so glad to see you feeling better

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:23pm
393: MissStix says:

BW

Thank you…I see that and think of how important it is to really see how a person responds to stress, how a person copes and treats others. To have eyes wide open to see this early on. Humans can go decades or a lifetime and never become aware, or empathetic or enact any change. And we can’t force change. To hope for change can be a long and unfulfilling path. Love to your daughter.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:23pm
394: Butterfly Wings says:

Thank you MissStix

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:25pm
395: LoveAlways says:

I love my anxiety and I’m taking it with me, embracing it, singing a lullaby to this feeling. I’m singing good morning heart ache and the melody is swaying me like a vibe rolling through a dim jazz club. Yeah, embrace the blues and knead this anxiety back into chest where it warms me. Breathing. Jill Scott crooning, rocking, sweet melody baby girl, yeah, just relax into the moment and feel that energy embrace it
Goodmorning heartache
You old gloomy sight
Goodmorning heatache
Thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed ’til it seemed you had gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I’d forget you, but you’re here to stay
It seems I met you when my love went away
Now everyday I start by saying to you
Goodmorning heartache, what’s new?
Stop haunting me now
Can’t shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
I’ve got those Monday blues
Stright through Sunday blues
Goodmorning heartache
Here we go again
Goodmorning heartache
You’re the one who knew me when
Might as well get used to you hanging around
Goodmorning heartache
Sit down
Stop haunting me now
Can’t shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
I’ve got those Monday blues
Stright through Sunday blues
Goodmorning heartache
Here we go again
Goodmorning heartache
You’re the one who knew me when
Might as well get used to you hanging around
Goodmorning heartache
Sit down

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:30pm
396: Butterfly Wings says:

Check this out from POF:

Him: “Hello,

I like your profile. I am a married professional guy looking for a nice friend for chatting, coffee meetings and discreet daytime intimate encounters. Still in good shape for my age. Wondering if you’re interested. If you are I would love to exchange some information. Looking forward to hearing from you.”

Uh, ok, so if I’m feeling frisky, I have an option here! NOT!

Me: “No thank you. I don’t feel good sharing…”

Him: “OK, thank you for replying. If you change your mind, or would like to discuss possibilities, my email address is…”

Sad really, because I doubt his wife knows about it….

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:36pm
397: Butterfly Wings says:

Another dude asked if I wanted to see his peni$. I blocked him. lol

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:40pm
398: MissStix says:

lolol BW

xD

The joys of online dating.

Flipping great practice though! I LOVE that you responded to the first guy “Don’t feel good sharing”. Excellent.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:46pm
399: Butterfly Wings says:

Yup it’s all practise – and a great distraction from TH! I’ve hardly thought of him all day!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 7:50pm
400: LoveAlways says:

((((Lilibee))))) Thank you honey, I’m seriously going through this. Your words feel encouraging, a tiny visual of light at the end of the endless emotional tunnel. I feel like I can breathe a little better just thinking of it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:01pm
401: MissStix says:

Lovealways

There is a beauty about you right now. I feel sad with you, but inspired. I visualize you dancing, swaying slowly with your hand on your heart and tears glistening on your face.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:10pm
402: MissStix says:

It felt so cleansing to write that… I want to stay with this. I want to write like that. I don’t feel I have done so in a while…

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:13pm
403: Calypso says:

I went to JC’s house tonight and made him a wonderful dinner, but . . .

I had a work issue that I had to deal with, so I was on the phone the first half of the evening, while I was cooking and then as soon as we finished eating, one of my sons called and his car would not start – he was stranded. JC heard me telling him to ask people in the parking lot if they had jumper cables, but he did not offer me his. I finally had to leave and he sort of pouted, cuz I’m going to be out of town for the next couple of days, but my son was stranded and I had to fo help him. JC did not even get up off the couch to see me out when I left – Grrrr…. That triggers me so bad!

I know I am being extra critical because GM made contact today and in my eyes, GM is the perfect man (except for the whole not wanting a relationship with me thing), but he would have moved heaven and earth to help my son and he for sure would have walked me to the door . . . ugh – I knew this would happen. I need to stop comparing them. I need to pack for my trip. I neeed to sleep. I need to absolutely not make any additional contact with GM . . . destructive . . . man crack . . .

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:20pm
404: Femininewoman says:

Calypso you were over his house cooking for him. Can you appreciate that this does not build romance? He is being lazy because there is no need for him to convince you about anything. Tonite was a lazy, easy night for him.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:23pm
405: Calypso says:

FW – Yes, I can see that. I wanted to do something nice for him because he has taken me out of town twice anbd paid for everything and I want to do something nice for him. He works very hard and as I am typing this, I know the issue – He has a lot of money and I don’t. . . I feel unworthy in some ways and I wanted to prove my worth by being domestic for him, which I know he likes.

Is that wrong? Should I just take and not give? That does not feel good. . .

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:29pm
406: MissStix says:

I like to “give back”.

I want to start looking into how to “negotiate”. I think i’m there. I tried it a little a couple weeks ago when he wanted a ride (“i’ll pick you up from work if you’ll buy me an iced capp;)” )and it felt fun but i’m new at it. :p

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:37pm
407: Butterfly Wings says:

Calypso, I never cook for TH if I’m at his house – he always cooks for me.

But if he’s at mine and I’m cooking anyway, then I see that as me “giving back”, because he often cooks for me at my house too.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:42pm
408: Heart says:

#389 Love Always – aww I feel compassionate towardyou. (((Love always))) . Thank you for thanking me…hehe ^｡^. I feel valued.
Crying is cleansing.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 8:46pm
409: LoveAlways says:

Miss Stix

That felt so real and beautiful, and you got the picture right!!!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:01pm
410: Calypso says:

JC feeds me all the time. Last night I cooked a huge pot of Italian Chili at my house, so today i took some of it to his house to heat up and made a salad – quick and easy.

It felt good to cook for him – he obviously enjoyed it and i had fun doing it – I just wish he would have at least walked me to the door – not offering to help me help my son was not great, but i get it. Not walking me to the door was just lazy and thoughtless.

I’m being critical because GM got in my head, just like he planned. Puppy pictures – that;s a low blow – lol. Distructive man crack . . . he makes me want to fight, kick, hit, pull hair (not his cuz he shaves his head- lol) . . . oK – I need to sleep this off – Chicago bound in the morning!

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:01pm
411: Butterfly Wings says:

(((Calypso))) the break away from him will probably do you good. xxx

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:03pm
412: LoveAlways says:

Heart

Yes my love, you are much valued ((((HUG)))))
And it is cleansing . . . i should feel squeaky clean by now, but I have no control over my tears so I just let them roll.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:03pm
413: LoveAlways says:

Thank you sirens

I feel safe in this space tonight
and that feels so much better than how I feel alone with the computer off

LoveAlways

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 9:04pm
414: Janie Baby says:

April Rose,
I just responded to you on the other thread,
thanks so much!! <3
<3

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:16pm
415: Turquoise says:

Hi Sirens,

Awww, lots of crappy stuff happening for sirens. I feel like plucking the negative energy out of the air and spreading some honeysuckle scented breezes…. ((((sirens)))))

Things are going pretty great for me and Mr. C. right now. Normally we mostly text and talk in person, but he called me last week and we had a really nice chat. A little bit afterwards, I texted him to say how much I like it when he calls, always feels good to hear his voice. He replied Thank you He’s been calling almost daily now… even days when I’ll see him. I didn’t see him at all last week and felt perfectly fine with it. (Sunday-Thurs.) I was busy, and heard from him everyday, but had a lot going on. Friday he contacted me to make plans to go to the game, which we do together every Friday, he wanted us to go together, which last week he also wanted but I just met him there. Afterwards he wanted us to come over, even though his kids were with their mom. Mine are so comfortable there, they were happy watching TV and playing while he and I watched a movie. He pulled me towards him and we cuddled on the couch. THings got a little romantic, everything feels…… smooth. We talked about doing something the next night, but he had to work during the day… so I didn’t get too excited, he’s never cancelled on me… but still, felt very open about it. If I saw him great, if not… I’d make other fun plans. He texted me early the next morning and we started to make more specific plans, with him saying no matter what, let’s definitely be together. We ended up going for drinks and a snack before the movie and he posted a comment on FB, linking me… that we were together. It was an official date, we talked about that, in a light hearted joking way. He’s really worried that there always has to be a next step and that feels like pressure to him…. but we talked about the fact that we aren’t just friends, enjoy being together, going to see how things go and be open to possibilities. He was so complimentary, opened doors, held my hand during the movie… was very very nice. He even made a big deal at the concession stand about buying me a Twilight cup, because I wanted it. I could care less about the cup, was just fun he wanted to joke around about it and made it special. Last night he came over to watch the game and we had one of our several hour conversations. When he talked about his dreams, which would involve moving away, he said he wouldn’t want to leave me behind, he’d want to bring me with him. Not necessarily in a marriage kind of way, but that he wants me to always be in his life. (I’m assuming based on other conversations on how he feels about life and relationships, etc.) To him, relationships are life long, not wondering where we’ll be in 6 months.

So it’s interesting, because of all he’s been through, he’s in no hurry for a big commitment, but he is a very commitment minded person. He’s already told me that dating other people is a waste of time, for both of us… wants to be the person I count on, wants to make me happy… but makes no demands. He says if dating other people would make me happy, then he wants me to be happy… I really don’t want to. I know, monogomy isn’t highly favorable here, especially without a big commitment. And I don’t want to be in a relationship where you are so wrapped up in one person you have no time for anyone or anything else, but I don’t want to be romantically involved with more than one man. I can’t wrap my head around how that is justified here that it’s ok for the woman, but the man should be faithful. I do feel that interferes with the intimate connection growing. We’ve been seeing each other for over 4 months now. Most of it has been just flirting and friendship, but we’ve had romantic moments, much more lately, which I feel he’s more over his divorce and open to us, where before he said he didn’t want to rebound or use me. I’m glad! It feels really good to have in my life, but I’m also very aware of not getting too attached or wrapped up in any expectations. He’s really stepping up and I see that. I didn’t push, plead, ask, lean forward (much)… I just didn’t walk away. It would be sad if we did, like any break up, even though we aren’t labeled as an exclusive couple….. as he said, Friday night, we are like a couple, we couple up, we are out together like a couple, he just doesn’t like labels. As I’ve said before, everything has to be his idea, and I wouldn’t even want to be the one asking for that… if it gets to the point where he wants an official commitment, he’ll tell me. In the meantime, I’m going to continue enjoying my life. Everything is going really well and I feel balanced. It’s hard not to think about him when we aren’t together, but I have so much else on my mind that is for me… I feel awesome about all of it!

Tomorrow night I’m seeing my best friend, making plans with another to see soon, C will be in this weekend so I’ll have some free time and I’m going car shopping with my sister. Another close friends’ mom is in the hospital, so I want to see her soon as well.

I’m not deleting my dating sites, not actively searching on there, but do realize that someone else could show up in my life. So, we’ll see what happens. Its not so much about even being on there, it’s about how it feels to NOT be deleting them without him bringing it up and us discussing it.

I’m very excited to be working on some small personal goals… to lose 10 pounds, submit some short stories for a book, clear out my closet, read SEVERAL books, work on promoting my small business, and planning for the holidays. Life feels really good right now.

I do feel scared sometimes, that he’ll disappear. That as soon as I really let my guard down and be completely open, he’ll walk away. It’s hard facing my fears and triggers. But it feels really freeing at the same time.

I do love me.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:19pm
416: Heart says:

#132 – Iama –

sometimes I feel like starting with : Hello Sirens, what did facebook do to to you today?

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:31pm
417: Turquoise says:

Oh…. And something interested happened Friday night. Out of no where, Mr. C says, so you are totally over C. And I said yes. He wanted to know why, and I said…. I figured out what I really want and know that he can’t give it to me. I then said, and even though we aren’t a couple, it’s really reminded me of the qualities I want in a relationship. That’s when he said, well… We are kind of a couple. We couple up, do a lot together.
I’m not trying to read his mind, but him bringing that up felt significant to me.

What I really love though. I don’t feel alone anymore. Whether he’s the love of my life, will be a friend, romance and back to friendship, temporarily in my life, it feels do good to not feel alone in the world. There are some minor issues going on with my oldest. She’s 12, trying to find her identity, dealing with some self confidence issues, and he always refers to it, as we will figure this out, I’ll help, I’m here…. Praises her, relates to her, builds her up. He feels bad their dad isn’t here and wants to help me. Not sure how it is for other single moms, but this is a first for me. He’s great with both my girls, but really tries hard with my oldest. I feel my heart in my throat at times. Grateful and thankful.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:40pm
418: Janie Baby says:

I feel so confused. My boyfriend just had a convo on the phone with me about how he feels like he does all the work always calling me and planning things, and I just sit back and when I’m upset, I go on about it, bu then never calls me. He said he wants a girlfriend that will call him once in a awhile… I’m really confused??

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 10:54pm
419: Heart says:

#418 – Janie – ooooh. Maybe you should call him sometimes? Sounds like he feels unloved.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:04pm
420: Janie Baby says:

Heart, but aren’t I supposed to be leaning back? lol, I’m sooo confused.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:15pm
421: Emerson says:

Miss stix I’m kind of jumping in here, but negotiating is masculine energy.

Calypso about your man having money I know what you mean about feeling weird about it, I’ve been in that situation too and tried to do my part. But now I know that is bs. Doing my part is simply to “be” me and be my feminine self and share that with him.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:22pm
422: Heart says:

Janie – I feel bad to admit I haven’t been following your situation too closely. I believe its ok to call sometimes if your in a relationship.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:22pm
423: Janie Baby says:

Heart,
It’s okay. Alright!! Yeah, I use dto not think about this stuff and call him, it was pretty balanced, but the past few months he started getting more distant, and he’s not as affectionate as he used to be. He said he doesn’t love me less but he’s alot busier with his work, so I figured I’d lean back and stop calling him, but now he’s complaining that I don’t him enough, but I thought that was the female’s job to not call .. Hm. But I guess maybe I’ll call him if I feel like it.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:27pm
424: Simply Goddess says:

Yes I guess I do feel it is abuse, Ive said it many times before when I couldnt find any other words to describe the emotional rollercoaster of a situation.. However I should be strong enough to walk away and not accept it. Since I’ve met him I have lost so much weight because Im always stressed and upset then he’ll be great and I’ll feel on top of the world. Its tiring.

He definitely hates women.. He admits it..

I definitely feel stronger. I feel its the first time I honestly am considering myself a road on my own for now. First time.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:35pm
425: MissStix says:

Emerson

I admit I haven’t fully taken it in yet but rori talks about negotiation in relationships. If he is asking me to scratch his back and I want to do it without over-functioning I can negotiate something in return. I guess? Don’t quote me on that yet I only skimmed a bit of it in one article.

Monday, 22 October 2012 @ 11:47pm
426: Heart says:

Janie – sounds like he just needs his space but also needs you to be open. I would encourage you to tell him how you feel….maybe say:

I feel confused. I want to give you your space but I also want ylu to know I appreciate you. What do you want me to do?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:04am
427: Janie Baby says:

I like that Heart. Yeah Miss Stix, that’s what I’m confused about : the negotiations. He’s saying “oh i want a girlfriend who also calls me up once in a while.” But I feel like it could be a trap gettingme to overfunction again. I want to find the balance. I will use Hear’ts FM if the convo comes up again.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:06am
428: Butterfly Wings says:

426 Heart – I like what you wrote there. xx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:31am
429: Butterfly Wings says:

I’ve decided to turn away from TH. From now till he gets back at least, I’m going to assume he does not exist (which I should have been doing anyway, I know), and I’m moving forward with my life.

He’s been gone over a week now, and he’s posted comments directed at friends, but didn’t think to ask me how I’m going, or how my poor dog is. Nope. Nothing.

And no, he’s done nothing wrong, but I want a guy who does care enough about me to check how I am, and who genuinely misses me when he’s away.

I’m done with him, and will get a speech ready before he gets back.

I feel so sad, but how can I be happy with someone who doesn’t truly love me or can’t even show me if he does? Ick…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:34am
430: Heart says:

Thanks Butterfly & Janie

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:11am
431: Tam says:

I had 5 hours sleep and feel fabulous….probably till midday when I collapse..got up at 4am…ha!!
I like my crazy me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:45am
432: Tam says:

this morning this popped into my head:
‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’

I know what I’d rather be.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:46am
433: Butterfly Wings says:

432 Tam – Yeah I like that! And I know what I’d rather be too.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:51am
434: Heart says:

Tam – I feel a little surprised to read you wrote Mr.P offering to help him with selling his stuff. Only a little while ago, you were advising me to not lean forward if I was invested. I thought it was such good advice.
I feel upset to witness this vicious cycle but I am hoping it is all part of the process.
I say this with affection.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:19am
435: Tam says:

Heart..actually, I had a bit of a revelation before I offered. Which was that last time I saw him, I became kind of aware that I didn’t want him. And when I was unhappy in Europe, I had a little fabrication in my brain that this had somewhat changed (the ‘when are you back’, the lovesong).
The reason why I offered was, in fact, to try and see him and get it all back onto reality, rather than keep manufacturing things in my brain.
I suddenly remembered that I was actually turned off when we spent time together and thought ‘urgh, I don’t see any other than ‘friends’ potential with this man’.
I also read in my diary…and it confirmed this.
That’s why I felt like seeing him would re-establish that.
I am also turned off anyway, and especially since I get taken out by my other CD’s and was offered a trip to Jamaica.
I see nothing more than friendship there anymore.
And as soon as I spelled that out to him, he rebels. WTF. That’s what got my goat, actually, and the tone of the email.
There is no need for this. Hence I decided to tell him how I feel and have him out of my life altogether, if he doesn’t know how to behave like a normal person anymore. No friends and no nothing and certainly no helping him with his tat. Honestly, a man who says he won’t pick me up and buy me a drink (as a friend!! like he used to) and still thinks I would life a finger to help him – is pretty much deluded.
Don’t worry, Heart.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:31am
436: Tam says:

doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results: insanity.
So no.

BUT: speaking authentically, getting it off my chest and riding on – better than bottling up and hating.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:34am
437: April Rose says:

I feel vulnerable.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:37am
438: Simply Goddess says:

He’s added ‘Rude in Xxxxx’ as a friend on Facebook.. It’s a strip club in town.. Argh.. Also says it’s time for ‘thinks its time for him to have a little adventure’

I feel I have a heavy heart now. It comes and goes..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:38am
439: April Rose says:

Is that a feeling? Vulnerable? Or a judgement?
Hmm. How am I actually feeling?

I feel soft, quiet. I feel like a mischievous old woman peeking out of her cave at a vast landscape of plains and sky. I feel dry bones, but not brittle.

It would feel good to feel lubricated and supple.

Hmm, I wonder what I can do to bring this feeling…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:40am
440: Tam says:

I feel fed up dragging this out anyway.
I have moved on before and this time it’s really time to get everything off my chest. This will make him run sooner than if I stayed quiet, and it will also make me feel better to cough it all up.
It’s a win-win.
I feel uneasy with being chased down again when I stay quiet. I want to lay down the law now. The law is: I don’t need people in my life that make me feel bad.
Not as friends either.
So you don’t make me feel good: you are the weakest link, goodbye!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:48am
441: Turquoise says:

Janie baby, I’ve found that when my tone is really warm and receptive, they have no problem calling first because they want to make you happy again. When it feels like keeping score, that feels exhausting and like something else is missing. I like Hearts feeling message to use. Sounds perfect!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:49am
442: Tam says:

Oh ladies, I have a great anecdote for sticking to your boundaries.
Ex bf was in touch. Remember the cat that used to sleep in my face and he said ‘you’ll get used to it!’.
Well, I didn’t and decided to spend my time sleeping at my place rather than telling him my boundaries.
This did not just happen once by the way, I never had a good nights sleep at his place.
He didn’t care, the cat was there first and I never spoke up. It was also the ex wives cat.
Now he told me that he asked the ex wife to take the cat back as he is dating someone new….
HAAAAAAA!!!!
There you go.
Made me feel so much more resolved to sticking to my boundaries now. For another woman he did it, for me – the doormat – I had to ‘get used to it’.
Never again in a million years will I not speak my mind.
So if you ever had any doubt that not having boundaries lowers your value: doubts now erased!!!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:52am
443: Turquoise says:

((((((Butterfly wings)))))) if TH is going to keep taking these trips, I definitely feel I’d have a speech for him. This is the hard part about casual. Too much grey area. I like all in or all out. To know exactly where I stand. Unfortunately that feels like a lot of pressure. But you’ve been dating him for years right? This isn’t casual feeling to you. I’m not going to say you deserve better, because he sounds like a good man, but you deserve to have more of what you want.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:53am
444: Tam says:

Goes to show, even good men treat you like crap if you let them get away with it.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:53am
445: April Rose says:

Tam, Sweetie,

I hear you ‘talking yourself up’ again. Just be aware that this is your (masculine) mind.

Remember the deeply feminine feeling state you were in last night? Please allow her. She feels magical and true.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:54am
446: Tam says:

445…hmmm…maybe you are right.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:56am
447: Tam says:

Feeling pretty upbeat and energetical this morning, perhaps that’s what it is? If that is masculine, does it matter? Feels quite good and positive.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:58am
448: Turquoise says:

Tam, I love that! Thank you for sharing. Wow, and my goodness…. Why do we accept those crumbs rather than speak up? I wouldn’t have asked him to get rid of it either. Would feel demanding, but look…. He willingly is doing it for someone else. Wow.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:58am
449: April Rose says:

It takes time and babysteps and building gentle confidence in my feminine nature, to communicate boundaries.

I feel a whole magical world opening up around them.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 4:59am
450: Tam says:

448, yes Turqoise. He didn’t even need to get rid of it, but he was not even prepared to move it to another room. Another woman and boom – gone is the cat altogether…back at the ex wife’s, where it belonged in the first place.
Ha ha ha. Oh I have learnt a lot, believe me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:01am
451: Tam says:

I am also feeling very resolved to insist on boundaries with friends and not just in my romantic life. Otherwise this whole MrNap taking naps in my bed would never have happened.
It is going to be difficult, but I feel fed up with being a doormat and bottling up my feelings.
It is going to be a tabula rasa in my life now. This needs to be healed. Healthy people have healthy boundaries, and that feels good. I see other people assert their boundaries all the time, no problem.
I want to be like that.
And those that run from me, well I will wave and say ‘bye bye’. I can see my life getting a lot less stressful by having better boundaries. It will be more stressful initially, but would feel sooooo good.
I love boundaries.
No more walls…lots of boundaries.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:04am
452: April Rose says:

I feel clumsy in the realm of boundaries.

I don’t want them to come across as commands.

People still have their entitlement to do the things I don’t want.

I have said “I don’t want to be shouted at” meaning it as “don’t shout at me”. The tone of my voice was hard, like the shouter’s voice.

I have to learn to state the boundary and drop the control.

It helps if I say it gently, to myself. “I don’t want to be shouted at”. I’m practising saying it out loud in the way that feels most authentic and vulnerable.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:12am
453: April Rose says:

Tam,

Your energy and upbeat vibe feels great. Not masculine at all.

I just worried when I read that you want to lay down the law.
Sounds so opposite to sharing your feelings.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:16am
454: Tam says:

April Rose..hmm, I meant really ‘lay down my law’ as in my boundaries:
‘do not want so and so’
‘does not feel good…’
That is what it’s all about. Not lay down the law with regards to what I want others to do.
Like you said, having boundaries not with the view to control but the view to feel good about myself and what I accept.
I need to get it out of me. And when years ago, I would have expected an outcome to saying ‘it would feel good to be picked up’ or ‘I don’t want to take taxis to meet men’, now I am actually just reinstating what I want. And even if he would make a total turnaround and say: ‘I’ll come and pick you up’. I would no longer be available, firstly because after that email I would not feel good to see him right now, and secondly I have already made tentative other plans.
I couldn’t care less about the response.
It would feel good to practice my boundaries so I can do it with other men also.
Yay.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:24am
455: Heart says:

Simple Goddess -lol….the man is just trying to provoke you. It is so obvious…who likes a strip club and talks about an advwbture…I would try the April Rose Tool and pretend yoyr a goddess in the sky laughing at his peon attempts to make yoy jealous .

Tam – I feel relieved to read that…I would encourage you to follow through with the plan and see him. I believe it will ground you as described.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:32am
456: Heart says:

Tam – I find it surprising that your ex would mention that he gave away the cat because he was dating someone new but wouldn’t give it away for you.
Ouch….how catty of him ( pun intended) …:D….poor guy. Must be miserable on the inside.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:40am
457: Butterfly Wings says:

You’re right Turq. I know I want and am worthy of more…

So I totally rockstarred it and messaged NWG today, asking if he wanted to come for a drink at the pub tomorrow night.

He later replied, very keen, and next we’re flirting like crazy and he’s saying he’s having “sexy thoughts”. I love it!

I’m totally doing the “Nooooo it’s not gonna happen” thing (no, nothing can happen with this guy, but I’m enjoying this!). He then called me “sexy legs” before signing off.

Looks like a short skirt is in order tomorrow…

TH who????

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:50am
458: Tam says:

456..Heart, the ex didn’t word it quite like that – but I could see this is what he was getting at.
Too funny. I just feel amused now.

Well, Heart, yes, I would like to see him but the point is that in order to see him I would have to demolish my boundary of being picked up – and having to take a taxi to see him would feel to frivolous when I am trying to really save.
So it might never happen, which is a shame…I feel sure after my email stating my boundaries and don’t wants, we won’t meet at all.
But I can’t have it both ways.
I either am authentic and keep my boundaries or I decide to run after him to see him and pull a sting out of my backside, as I am 100% sure that he would totally turn me off, especially at a bar checking out other women – that would remind me very quickly as to why I didn’t want him anymore in the first place.
Hm.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:01am
459: Tam says:

Heart my ex also mentioned that his new girlfriend reminded him of me…eewwwww.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:02am
460: April Rose says:

Dear Sirens,

Something to me feels ‘off’ in some posts.

I think it is when we are speculating about a man’s motives.

It would feel so freeing to see that dropped.

I don’t want a woman to be spun out by wondering what a man is thinking.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:04am
461: April Rose says:

Let’s practice our boundaries together, and help each other with ‘don’t want’ messages.

Anyone up for that?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:05am
462: Tam says:

A-R, thanks for the reminder. Good point

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:06am
463: Tam says:

I don’t want to be the kind of girl who is expected to take taxis to meet men last minute.

It would feel great to be picked up

I don’t want to know what my friends or lovers don’t want to do for me.

It would feel sooo good to hear what they DO want to do for me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:09am
464: April Rose says:

I am reminded now of several tools.

Respect the masculine.

Be a fern, not a cactus.

Let him figure out how to make things work.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:09am
465: April Rose says:

GO FIRST WITH FEELING YOUR FEELINGS

(I’m not shouting, but singing with volume and passion)

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:10am
466: April Rose says:

So, how does this relate to me, and not Tam (whose situation I think I see so clearly and know how she could proceed, but I’m going to hold back on the advice now unless it is asked for)

I could say to WM “I feel nervous about being around you at the moment. I have feelings for you, and I need to live my life and be happy. So, I’m feeling a little confused. I don’t want to hold my feelings in. And I don’t want to be afraid of your anger. Do you think there is anything we can do?”

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:14am
467: Tam says:

466..April Rose, I really welcome to let me know your views on my situation, it does help me to figure out things. Or see things clearer.
Sometimes.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:16am
468: Heart says:

Tam – you’ve already demolished one boundary…I say spend tje money and demolish the second. Your mind needs something current and concrete to refer back to…Just ask him to come see you for old times sake…
Tam some people pine for years over unrequited love. You csn even witness that on this blog. I feel afraid that might be me because I have my obsessive, piney, hungup moments….Ylu have been fixating on this guy for months. You have not seen him in ages and nothing Real has occurred between you two other than a few messages here and there….

I would encourage you to make big strides towards killing the false hope.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:18am
469: Heart says:

#459 Tam – lol!

#460 April Rose – it’s ok to speculate if you use the April Rose tool…;)

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:22am
470: Sassy says:

Radlove

Where are you, hunny? How are things going? Miss you!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:24am
471: Sassy says:

FlowerChild,

Thinking of you

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:24am
472: Tam says:

Heart…mmmhhhh….I feel resentful for spending the money, because it is quite some way. I know it would perhaps go a long way to resolve everything…but the boundary is there for a reason.
I feel icky.
I feel like I might get stood up after having spent all that money.
It’s not worth it…
I know some people pine for years but I feel turned off already…and the obstinacy at not picking me up is just wanting to make me kick him in the nuts rather than spend money…if you see what I mean.
It feels like ‘throwing good money after bad’ when it would be close to my week’s grocery bill.
Nah.
No can do.
Maybe the fact that he will be just down the road for a second time, not making the effort to come up here, will actually have the same effect as seeing him, just be cheaper. Yuck, basically.
I am on my horse and I have a date tonight and a Ladies night on Wednesday. Those are my priorities now.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:26am
473: Femininewoman says:

RE 424 SG I really wonder if you realize that this type of stress can actualloy cost you your life? Believe that you are a beautiful young woman that any would give an arm and a leg to be with. Turn your focus away from him and FB for a while. Your health is more important than this relationship.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:32am
474: Smile says:

Hi sirens, just a quick check in! I’m exhausted moving but I’m feeling alive and great!!! Feel like I’m starting a new! I’ve been driving lots in my car to shift last bits. I’ve put the radio on fill blast. Great songs!!!

I haven’t let go yet. He’s still in my mind and thoughts but my energy is totally carrying me forwards!!!!

Happy happy happy!!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:32am
475: Tam says:

Smiiiile!!! Hey hey!!! Your post put a smile on my face. You sound so great!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:34am
476: Heart says:

Tam – ok…I hope so.(((Tam)))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:35am
477: Smile says:

Oo and I stopped to get myself a pasty for lunch. I spotted two nice guys in front of me. I smiled, they smiled.

My head is up and looking around.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:36am
478: Femininewoman says:

I was listening to my favorite talk show this mornining, Z100 with Elvis Duran. They were talking about relationships. The guys, particularly TJ, was talking about how they pursued women. They said that consistently when they pursued the women hard, wanting to show good intention and interest the woman invariably pulled away. When he pulled away all of a sudden the woman became interested and wanted to hang out more. They tested the theory with different women, even good looking girls to the point of feeling bored. They ended up sticking with the girl who seemed to be more cool with whatever they did. Even the women on the show confirmed that it was when they hung back that their husbands started to really stick with them before they got married.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:37am
479: Smile says:

Tam, I am!!!! Catch up soon. Grr gotta clean this place now! Shouldn’t take ling as it’s pretty clean already.
Just bought some rubber gloves to protect my pretty fingernails!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:38am
480: Tam says:

478..it’s the law of scarcity, or whatever…I am also much more likely to go out with a guy who is not constantly on my case (20 texts a day), but more balanced…there is chasing and then there is hassling. That is a turn off too.
Hanging back and letting things unfold naturally feels good.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:39am
481: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel vulnerable, exposed, and embarassed.

but I feel tired of “wondering if I said this…”

I trust myself.

woke up at 3am thinking about it…

what I’m thinking about saying…

“I feel really scared and embarrassed and shaky saying this, but I swear I’m going to regret it if I don’t, and I just need you to know.

I really like you, and probably too much to be just friends. I felt so incredibly sad and disappointed when I realized you were in a relationship.

I feel really shaky even bringing this up.

I felt really weird when I realized that you guys made it official on the same night that we…

I almost regret talking to you a couple of weeks ago, because it brought up all the old good, amazing feelings that I had been trying to stuff down since you’ve been in this relationship.

Then, I felt really thankful that I talked to you when it looked like you were approaching me to talk to me that night…

I mean, I’m glad I talked to you, because I love talking to you, and I wanted to make sure you’re doing okay, because I really care about you.

And I feel guilty, but I want to be honest, because I’ve kind of been trying to avoid you for the most part, because it just doesn’t feel good…

It felt really bad when I drove up and I saw you two and you looked away…

Then, I felt really exposed and confused when you stared at me from across the building while you were sitting next to her.

I just need you to know that I feel incredibly sad when I see you two together.

I don’t want to be this random girl that talks to you, or that you talk to only when your girlfriend is not there.

I don’t want put pressure on you or on your relationship with her.

and I wouldn’t even be bringing this up unless it was really bothering me.

I just wish there were some way, if you care about both of us, why couldn’t you date both of us?

What do you think?”

**End speech**

Sirens, feedback?

Timing feels incredibly important, and if I don’t say these things now, I will feel regret…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:41am
482: Heart says:

#478 FW – I feel confused….so the talk show ppl basically said – women should keep leaning back?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:42am
483: Femininewoman says:

Janie Baby he is telling you what he wants. You have to decide if you can give that to him. He is grumbling maybe because he is really attracted to you. Seeing he says “once in a while”, if I were you and he consistently calls and you have been together for a while, I would experiment with calling him to see how it affects the energy between you. I would even tell him “it feels masculine and unromantic” and that I don’t want to feel that way with him if that is how I feel when I call. Some of your post suggests to me that he might be wanting to work together with you on this. What do you think?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:42am
484: Tam says:

Ha, boundary.
MrNap just swore a lot. Then he turns to me and says in a harsh tone ‘is that coffee strong or what?’

He has been always hanging about when I make food or drinks, and I always offer and he always takes something. Often he takes unasked. So ok, I stay in his office condo, but I consider that rude.

To the question: ‘is that coffee strong or what?’ I simply answered ‘no, it isn’t!’ (equally harsh tone).
He was expecting me to offer, but I didn’t.
Normally I would have. None of that. He can make his own or ask politely. I feel good about not offering.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:43am
485: Emerson says:

415 miss stix that’s interesting I am not familiar with all of roris material. Id love it if she could comment about negotiating or other sirens chime in…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:43am
486: Femininewoman says:

Basically that was what they were saying. It reminded me of what PUA tell guys to do. Treat women trashing and they come running after you. My understanding from what all of them were saying was when a woman “leans back” they are most attracted to her.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:44am
487: Tam says:

Lama, I am not sure I get this..maybe I misunderstand..you suggesting he circular dates you and another girl?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:45am
488: Emerson says:

Personally I don’t like negotiating. It feels tiring. If I don’t want to scratch his back maybe I can say “oh maybe later…right now it feels nice just laying here relaxing with my eyes closed and breathing deeply” and then not scratch his back until i feel like it.
I had an ex who would pout if i got out of bed in the morning and he wanted sex and I didn’t have time or didn’t feel like it. I would feel guilty and obligated and i wish I knew feeling messages back then.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:47am
489: Tam says:

FW, it is strange but even with my CD’s..the ones that go quiet, or when I feel one leaning back, I get a little urge to lean forward. Must be human nature?
I am ignoring that urge TOTALLY nowadays

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:48am
490: Linda says:

I posted last thread about my recent CD’s. The one I talked to during the week and met on Saturday evening felt off to me, just off to me deep down in my gut. He was kind, positive, planned, rowed, called, text first.. all the things we want a man do do.I kinda felt like he had read a textbook though and had taken careful notes during earlier communication and was purposely doing things…. Trying tooo hard… it felt clingy and uncomfortable and unnatural. Truth is no matter what he did right, without the physical attraction (there was not even an hint of it for me)… the things he did made me feel too much. Since CDing is practice… I have done this enough now to know if there is not attraction there is not going to be for me. Putting my picture as background walpaper on his phone, bringing me roses, chocolate and dog treats for my dog on our meet and greet… all nice nice things.. just made me feel like… the cat in the old cartoons…with the skunk “Peppy Le Pew” yuck. After meeting him.. he was inviting himself over, hinting he loved to do yard work… then inviting himself to my work to bring me lunch…. I just wasnt feeling it, not attracted…. HE WAS OVERFUNCTIONING. Is that possible for a man? It did not feel like masculine energy it felt like NEEDY energy. Near the end of our time he moved from across the table and scooted me over up agains the wall of the booth and sat near me.. grabbed my hand and would not let go…

I feel holding hands is a couple thing and I was not confortable with him doing that or moving from his side of the table and scooting me up against the wall in the booth. I expressed that to him and he let go but did not move…. hmmmm…. Not a meet and greet thing to me, nor is reaching under the table with his feet and trapping my legs either. Even saying… if things go well… “I hope I hope Hope… I just felt creaped out. The 3:52AM request to bring me lunch yesterday was the icing on the BEING DONE cake for me.

This morning I had an email… Saying “I really tried and you did not even give me a chance I know he has feelings.. but come on. I feel I gave him a chance by meeting him, when I did not feel attracted to him. I was very honest, did not want to lead him on and didn’t.

I am making myself chuckle remembering that poor cat. I have true empathy for her now.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:51am
491: LiliBee says:

451:

I agree Tam, that we need to practice that with everyone, not just our love interests.

My gf had been at me for a while asking me to take her out for dinner and dancing.
She was never available, I was.
We finally made a definite plan for Saturday.
I call her at 2pm, and she was sleeping.
She said she went out for dinner and dancing the night before, and was now feeling like a groggy wreck and wasn’t sure she was up to it.

I said “This is the 2nd time I get tossed aside for coworkers that supposedly are not really appreciated. I don’t feel appreciated. I’ve been feeling really angry lately for feeling like I am good enough for crumbs only. I can’t take feeling like that anymore.”

She went on to blame me saying she had asked me to plan a trip with her but I was never available, and every time she asked me to go out with her, I was never available.

I said “When I am told ‘sometime we should do this’, that doesn’t look like a definite request to me. I specifically asked you ‘I am going on this trip, it would be great if you came, do you want to come?’ You said ‘No’. That’s what asking specifically looks like to me. Now, I feel angry for being blamed, when I sit home alone for weeks, I am not asked, I get a ‘No’ response when I do ask. That’s also what being available looks like to me. I feel p’d for being told I am not available when I am.”

The thing is, this gf of mine is highly feminine energy with everyone even her friends.
I no longer feel OK being in the masculine role with anyone, no matter who it is.
I no longer feel OK with having to be the one making all the leaning forward, making all the definite plans, and chasing.

She felt left out when I told her about my plans to go on a trip with my other gf.
She said “But I wanted to go on a trip with you. I always said we should go on a trip together.”
Me: “I remember you had said that. I asked 2x with definite plans, and I got ‘No’. I felt pretty leftout myself when you went on 2 trips with other gfs and didn’t invite me to come along.”

I’m leaning back with her by making my own plans with someone else.
I didn’t feel appreciated while I was available.
All I got were nice words like “you’re like a sister to me, I don’t know what I would do without you. We have to gettogether more often.”

Words are meaningless unless action is backing it up.
Now that I’m planning alot of fun things without her, she feels leftout.
It’s so easy for people to take us for granted when you’re just sitting there available for them.
They take notice when you no longer are available.

Well here’s my new boundary: No more crumbs from anybody! Nobody! Nohow!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:51am
492: Iamabutterfly says:

@Tam 487 – yeah, basically.

He came after Jack CD.
I came after his girlfriend.

I don’t think I’m going to say it, now that I think about it.

I just needed to get it off my chest. Out into the universe.

I need to work on just feeling my crappy feelings when I run into him/them…

so he sees how much it bothers me…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:54am
493: Tam says:

Lilibee, totally resonates. I offered another gf to help with her stuff…and I couldn’t make it one time..and she kinda dropped lip and said ‘but next time on such and such a day it HAS to be firm’.
I just said, yes ‘if all is well’, bearing in mind that I offered from the goodness of my heart and there is no pay involved and it is taking me about 10 hours computer work.
So I am feeling resentful now, and if she says something odd again I will tell her also, excatly how I feel.
People will take advantage, friends and family also, if the boundaries are not intact. I can’t believe it took me so long to see this. It’s not ‘them’, it was ‘me’. No more crumbs and no more being pushed

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:55am
494: Femininewoman says:

Calypso sorry about this but when I initially read your comment it triggered something I read from Rori where she talks about kinda feeling like a maid going over to a man on a business trip, to service him. I appreciate your wanting to give back but it does not seem that doing at his house is working in your favor. I have also heard Rori talk on Reconnect about losing your power when you go to the man’s house.

I would use this as an instructive experience to help me adjust my bahavior around JC. He might have money but that can’t buy love and he knows that. How can he feel comfortable? Whether you like it or not he can feel where you are coming from and that is what makes the difference in the way he treats you.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:55am
495: Tam says:

492, Lama, it might drop your value in his eyes if you are prepared for such an arrangement…just sayin

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:56am
496: Femininewoman says:

RE 489 – It is energy Tam. All the energy. Remember everything is energy.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:57am
497: Linda says:

re- 490…HAHA… I just remembered I have on pretty new underwear that I LOVE… with cat print trim. Poor chased kitty cat….. MEOW!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:00am
498: Mercedes says:

Annie (374): I see it because of his patterns. He blames and calls names and puts everything wrong with the relationship on her and blames again and “you, you, you did this this and this wrong” and then says by the way, I was planning a weekend away with you. This is classic…said to make her wish she hadn’t done all those terrible things to him so she could be going away with him. Then…because he knows she’ll probably roll her eyes (like I did) and not believe him, he goes on and on about how he was getting things ready and actually says the words “so you can believe me” (or something like that). It’s classic manipulation.

If she wanted, she could call his bluff. Apologize for everything…fall down at his feet…do something super nice for him (like give him all her money or something) and then say “I’m so glad we worked this out. I’m really looking forward to that trip you got us at the bed and breakfast.” I can guarantee there will be no trip.

Telling her it’s time for him to have an adventure. Manipulation (wants her to be so afraid of him sleeping with another woman that she’ll do anything to have him back). Showing her publically that he’s in to strippers. Manipulation. He wants to make her 1. Do anything he asks. 2. Wish she had the life he’s willing to offer her (so he makes up non existent trips). 3. Jealous of other women who may or may not be there. 4. To know that no matter what he says or does, no matter how many horrible names he calls her, no matter how many other women he indicates he can be with…she’ll want him. Controlling and manipulating.

I don’t know how to tell you how to see it, but I’m sure there are really great books out there on how to know when you are being manipulated. My guess on this one is that this type of tactic has worked for him in the past. When women love, we love and the slightest hint of something good (Rori refers to it as crumbs) can cause us to jump. In this case, she’s no longer jumping so quickly (because she’s been here learning new tools) and he feels like he’s lost control. He’s desperately trying to get it back (probably in the only way he knows how) but hopefully, everthing she’s learned here will help teach HIM that the way to regain a woman’s love is not through manipulation. It’s through love and understanding.

We can’t choose who we love. We love all kinds of bad people sometimes. When I worked with abused women and would ask “why do you stay?” then answer 9 out of 10 times was not “fear”, it was “because I love him”. I’ve decided we can’t help who we love. But we CAN choose who we LIKE and if we decide that no matter who we love, we are going to spend the rest of our lives with a man we LIKE then these guys can’t have us. They can want us and we can want them to change (or be the way they used to be) but we can’t date them or sleep with them or grow the relationship until they become a man we can LIKE.

Anyway, my two cents.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:00am
499: BAB says:

An odd thing is happening. I’m feeling a bit excited for July to get here.
Iv decided that if there’s no commitment made by then that I’m going to say goodbye to my five yr relationship..
As sad as that thought is to me, I still feel a sense of adventure or excitement like I said above.
I’m also worried that by giving myself a time line that it could be considered having an agenda!? And I don’t wanna trick myself into thinking its not….
I don’t feel like in holding out for a proposal, I more like feel a relief that I can just sit back and do my part and wait for July..
Does this seem totally cracked to anyone else? Lol

Thoughts?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:03am
500: Emerson says:

491 lillibee I have a friend who is also very feminine. As I’ve gotten farther away from my masculine energy..I’ve noticed I have not seen her much. She never initiates to get together and when we do talk she always wants me to make the plans. Love her, but I kinda feel exhausted with the whole thing. She always has a boyfriend providing for her payi g her rent, etc, so maybe I feel jealous sometimes but actually the guys she picks are questionable in character in my opinion….

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:04am
501: Femininewoman says:

BAB I believe in setting a timeline boundary for myself. It would also be good if the guy knows about it so that he can indicate to you if there is a possibility that you can work things out between you.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:09am
502: Femininewoman says:

BAB there are many women who wait indefinitely for men. Some of these women want to have children, but watch their childbearing years disappear as they wait for these men. Only to end up with the guy moving on and marrying another woman.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:11am
503: Emerson says:

Linda,wow! Your siren skills are working! I am sure they’ll work on someone you’re attracted to as well as this guy. Hugs

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:12am
504: Mercedes says:

Linda (490): I wish Rori would comment on your question (or maybe have a male coach speak to it). I wonder about this way of thinking too. What happens when a guy is too much?

“Putting my picture as background walpaper on his phone, bringing me roses, chocolate and dog treats for my dog on our meet and greet… all nice nice things.. just made me feel like… the cat in the old cartoons…with the skunk “Peppy Le Pew” yuck. After meeting him.. he was inviting himself over, hinting he loved to do yard work… then inviting himself to my work to bring me lunch…. I just wasnt feeling it, not attracted…. HE WAS OVERFUNCTIONING. Is that possible for a man? It did not feel like masculine energy it felt like NEEDY energy.”

How do we get Rori to chime in on it. LOL. I could post it with a few swear words or change my user name for that post…but then I’ve been going off on a man who is being manipulative….maybe I shouldn’t try to manipulate Rori into answering a question here. haha!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:12am
505: Emerson says:

Hi fw!

Sirens I hope I can shift my thought pattern. I’ve been waking up every day feeling fear and doubt because i am scared of ending up alone. I love myself but I want partnership and love.
I want fun dates in the city. I want to go to the coast. I want a man who can follow through and plan.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:16am
506: Mercedes says:

BAB: Curious what made you decide on July. Has he done/said something to indicate a proposal will happen by then? Were you planning on “doing” something between now and then to see if he will propose? After 5 years, July seems sort of like buying time or something…unless he’s indicated that’s coming…or if he knows that’s the limit to how long you can continue in the relationship. If he knows, then he can decide if that’s what he wants to do. If he doesn’t know and hasn’t done anything to indicate it’s coming…then why July?

Curious.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:18am
507: BAB says:

The only thing we would need to work out is weather or not he’s gonna propose finally, if not I’m done. How do I go about saying that with out it sounding like a ultimatum and with out making our living together super awkward or unbearable if he says he doesn’t wanna. I’d have to stay till the lease is up and them ind a new place.. ?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:21am
508: BAB says:

Mercedes- In part it’s buying time, our lease is up then and i guess I see now that I was just trying to not make things harder on myself, taking the easier way out I suppose.
Iv thought about asking him, but wasn’t sure if that was leaning forward.( and I’m a term believer that ultimatums are not good) I really do wanna lay it all out there but am uncertain as to how I would go about it!?
I have no indication that he will ask me anytime soon.. Aw dang I am harboring expectations.. We have been going through a ruff patch and so I have been focusing on me and my happiness and have been seen g some kinda big changes in him, so I guess that’s where the expectations were rooted. ( eye opener )

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:31am
509: Mercedes says:

BAB: Could you say something to indicate where you are at with it? You chose July as your end date. Is that when the lease is up and you would be finding another place anyway if he doesn’t propose?

“I’m not feeling comfortable or good about our living arrangement anymore. I really did for a while, but lately so many of my thoughts and so much of my energy are consumed by knowing I want to be married. After so long, I feel like this relationship may not be the one that will take me to that dream. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I have to be true to myself as well. When the lease is up in July, I’m going to find another place to live. I still want to see you but I also think it’s time for me to see other men who might want the same things I do. My heart aches for family, to be your wife, to have that total commitment. I have to move on so I no longer hurt so much.”

Or something like that. I’m sure there are sentences that can be removed and feeling messages that can be entered and changes made based on what YOU want and how YOU feel instead of how I projected your feelings, but however you say it, I think it’s fair for him to know where you’re at, what your timeline is, what you want and most importantly that you are willing to walk away from him to find it.

This has to be painful for you. I’m so sorry.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:35am
510: Femininewoman says:

BAB or maybe you don’t feel like being a girlfriend anymore?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:35am
511: Emerson says:

I need to get out there and cd!!!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:37am
512: Silver Moonbeam says:

#511 Emerson

YES YES YES!!!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:40am
513: Emerson says:

Hi silver moon
Cding feels hard but I will try!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:48am
514: BAB says:

Mercedes -yes I love that! Says everything iv been feeling. But I feel frightened its gonna end badly and then how do I share a bed and or even living space after that convo?? It yet seems o much easier to let it lie ugh but I already know tat doesn’t work.

Few-yes Iam sick of being a live in gf/common law wife. I feel I deserve more then that.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:53am
515: BAB says:

Mercedes- also yes our lease is up in July and he and I both want a town house but I don’t think it would be wise if we are not married..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:56am
516: Starla says:

Laughing Goddess, 327 — it’s okay, LG! I’m not sure I even needed advice.

Just venting. And being honest.

When I was lying in bed last night, I felt so embarrassed, like “omg those blog sirens are going to think i’m a psycho stalker who doesn’t accept that someone left her.”

And then I thought “how brave I am for being totally honest about my feelings even though people could totally judge me.”

I am very brave! Love to me! Love to my psycho stalker feelings hehe

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:29am
517: Mercedes says:

BAB: “Aw dang I am harboring expectations.. ” I do that sometimes too. Less and less over the last few years but that’s only because it is an area that I’ve been working on. I try to catch myself when I have expectations or an agenda and I stop. Right then. Stop.

I’m kind of a lean forward person in our relationship sometimes. I initiate sex, dates, trips…lots of stuff…when I want to. But here’s the key: I know J very, very well so I know when it is best NOT to initiate anything because I know when there is a better chance of him not wanting it. J also knows ME really well so he knows that when I’m initiating, it is something I need so he stays sensitive to that. In addition, I let J take the lead most of the time. (But when I do lead he enjoys it because he gets a break from having to do all the planning and initiating everything and he gets to see what I’m all about and what I want to do without having to try to figure out what I want). But most importantly, when I do take the lead, I do it without expectations. If I’m expecting a certain result and if I know I will be hurt if I don’t get the answer I want, then I lean back…way back. I see no need to bring on the hurt. If I think it might hurt, I work on myself and I leave the relationship part of it to him.

Oh…also important not to have expectations when you are leaning back and letting him take the lead. If you’re expecting something in particular, well…men are not mind readers…so the chances of being disappointed greatly increase. This happens a lot with Valentines day, Christmas, birthdays, etc.

What’s most important is for you to keep moving down the path that makes you happy. If you want to be married and he doesn’t, then you need to take yourself down a path toward marriage. You can’t drag him along that path. If it’s also what he wants, he will run to catch up with you and he’ll carry you down that path. If it’s not his path, you will pass him up. Either way, you can’t choose that for him and if you have expectations about what he will say or do when you tell him your timeline, then it is not really you taking yourself on your own journey…it is you trying to drag him along on your journey.

I don’t know if any of this is even true for you and I’ve spent 30 minutes trying to type it all out between work. lol All I know is that’s how I see it and for what it’s worth, my take on it is how I live my life.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:29am
518: Starla says:

So, I feel happy to report that I went to the gym for some intense cardio, and then I practiced belly dance for 45 minutes. I cooked myself some baby kale and took a nice shower and did some beauty rituals.

It helped me feel much better!

Then my apartment building caught on fire at 2am and I spent half the night in the parking lot, but both me and my apartment are just fine.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:37am
519: Tam says:

Starla, hehe, I feel amused reading about the parking lot..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:42am
520: Starla says:

I felt so grateful to have a warm car to sit in while we were all forced to sit in the chilly parking lot and wait for them to put the fire out.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:46am
521: Daria says:

Yay I switched my phone to another carrier for the same price. This is a dream for me! And also I have a chip that… With another number… I can talk for free forever . Never pay.

I have urges to traxk down how to call this guy and give it back to him. Even though he didn’t want it back.

I felt guilty cuz I asked him to give my friend 100 for it when he left it at her house. Bec she asked me… Cuz she was about to sell it for that. And I coulda said no don’t to friend, but I felt bad cuz she seemed desperate for money. so I gave it to her outta my pocket. Thinking that guy will be si happy to have such a precious phone it won’t be anything for him to give her 100. Except he didn’t believe me. That I paid her. And didn’t want to come pick his phone up. So now u feel guilty using it. Plus I don’t want his number… I want free hookup on my number instead. Pfff.

Spasm.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:47am
522: Annie says:

498: Mercedes

TY Mercedes, that makes sense now.
Gosh I was so easily manipulated I feel sad, but accepting that all I am able to do now is do my best to be be on alert for this.

Yes I have stopped liking.
That makes sense.
I get told well you used to like me.
Yes I was hormonally attached and believed the words.

I just want to be happy and be with someone who cares.

I felt sickened re the strippers and adventure comment made by Simply Goddess’s ex man.
My heart felt pain for her.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:50am
523: Daria says:

If I get that hookup which I’m getting closer to as signaled by this, I will have no bills at all . Zero. Bill free.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:50am
524: Daria says:

And that will feel relaxing.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:50am
525: April Rose says:

I think that men are meant to be manipulative. Manipulation simply means strategising to get what you want.

If a man is strategising to get my attention, then I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Again, “aw poor sweet man, what terrible tactics, and I know you want me”.

We can help men along, you know. To come close to us.

Oh, help.
WM just phoned and I got panicky. Haven’t seen him for a week.
I feel tears coming.
I said I don’t want to talk if you’re driving, I can’t hear you properly. He will phone later.

My cousin is upstairs playing the song “Miss you like crazy.”

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:59am
526: BAB says:

Mercedes-much of that rings true.. I have alot to think about and look at. I feel if anything my expectations are more bad then goog. So I’m confused if that’s still me dragging him along, as you stared? I don’t know how to sort a lot of this out in my mind. I want him to take the lead in the relationship, but I also like to lead, and I know he likes me to sometimes as we’ll. But in the matter of marrage I think you are correct in that i should tell him what I’m thinking because he deserves to know, but after that I think it’s his job to figure out where we of from there..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:01am
527: Jenny says:

I know I’m way ovethinking now and trying to be in a mans head right now.

Been a rock star with…text him a invitation to meet and see a movie.

He answered with: ” dont know if I can..and it is so far away to get to you ”

So I wrote something about: “Ok I understand that, any suggestions?”

He: “Hmm well its hard to see a movie without being at somebodys home”

Me: “True, I got an crazy ideal, do you got a laptop?”

He: “No”

Me: “Ok, I appricite your company. IO like how it feels good be with you. I would be happy if we just could meet, maybe let ower hand explore ower bodies, feel the worm, kiss and make out in the back of a car What do you thinkg?

He: “I dont know, feels a little bit hard it is so far between us, need to drive on such small roads. Maybe its better you found someone else who lives closer…”

Me: “I understand that. I trust you as a man and human. I belive we can find a solution on the problem with the distance. At the moment I can borrow my mothers car. What do you want?

He: “It will still allways be a problem with the distance, we will allways have to fix it. Is proberly better you find someone else insteed…”

I started to write a text, saw how long it was..so I just sent him:
“Started to write an answer and it felt a little odd when I saw how long it was. Is there any other way we can communicate?”

He: “Email?”

Me: “Ok, the same adress?”

He: “Yeah, I’m at work now…”

Me: “I know, and I appriicate you taking the time to answer. Feels good”

He: “I will check my mail when I get home”

Me: “Thanks I got to go…cya (not the right translation – I used a world that in swedish mean..”we talk later”

He: “Okey, cya”

And I feel very confused – I have never meet a man who does those things to me….ok he reminds me of one of my best male friend. My male friend started out as a BF…the suddenly dumped me, but keept seeing me – and when I asked him about it: “You are so beautiful, I’m afraid of getting dumped by you”…I got out of my romantic feelings for him and we become very close friends. It took him 2 years to really belive I liked him as a friend..2 years of meeting 4 times a week and having a lot of fun.

So J reminds me of my male friends, like he is putting up obsticals and logical reasons why not meet me…and still the daily contact where he ask me questions.

Any thoughts?

I like this man…and care about the friendship with him. My guts says he is very insecure, gentle, soft..a little feminane energy…what does your guts say you?

(I know what my NV is screaming right now)

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:08am
528: LiliBee says:

518:

YEY STARLA!!!

So faithful, devoted and dedicated to yourself as always.

I knew you’d come through for yourself, you always do.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:08am
529: Radlove says:

Sassy,

470 – Hi, thanks for thinking of me! I’m in crunch week for moving. And the reason I haven’t been here at all is because my laptop charger broke last week. It was hanging out the car door and the connection got ruined by dragging on the pavement. And I ordered the wrong replacement.

So here I am at the library dealing with some phishing compromise on my main email account when I need to be sorting and packing. I have a huge amount of stuff to do this week. I am renting a moving truck on Saturday.

I will be living in a house share on a 3 acre horse farm and I am so thankful this opened up for me, and I consider it a miracle.

This article on weight loss is fantastic!

How are you?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:11am
530: Jenny says:

..oh and I havent had sex with him yet.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:11am
531: Femininewoman says:

Jenny I think he is saying he does not want what you want.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:11am
532: Daria says:

I always get my door opened. Hehe I just stand there if I don’t.

If a man doesn’t seem to want to walk me out… (if I was leaving his place on my own or something). I’d say… ‘ohh *smile* mm I don’t want to walk myself out’

Ahhh I feel so good about how well I’m treated

I still feel shy about ‘asking’ for food Abd water. Particular food and water. Its important to me to ask in feeling messages.

‘oh I’m feeling thirsty, it’d feel great to have some Fiji water, I don’t want to wait’. High 5 I did it! . Yayy

I feel so pleased. I arranged to meet my dates tomorrow and the day after at a coffee shop and bar, respectively, so I no longer meet men first time directly at their car. I felt ok w that but it felt a little informal too.

The only thing is, I don’t want to be cold. While walking 10 min to the coffee shop. I want to dress cute and what of it’s raining?

I know this will work itself out.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:13am
533: Jenny says:

But that is the thing – I just want to meet, it feel to soon to me to even think about anything more then just to meet. If he dont want to meet – how hard can it be to say “no, i dont want to meet”

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:14am
534: Daria says:

April Rose – yeah! I feel inspired by that cool way to think about it.

I don’t get truggered by manipulation so much… Actually I think I get So triggered that I instantly shut down and resist. Which I’ve been healing.

For example when someone gets ‘needy’ for compassion, I go to judgement and anger. I feel angry. I feel like my heart and pelvis are being pulled at and I feel furious.

I’m ready ti beat ass or yell. Hehe I love me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:17am
535: Starla says:

jenny, he is trying to tell you no, i think?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:18am
536: Jenny says:

Well – then he have to learn..”I dont speak hints” And I still dont get the daily contact from him with questions.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:19am
537: Starla says:

” Is proberly better you find someone else insteed…””

this is no hint. this is saying “no”

(((((((((((jenny))))))))))))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:22am
538: BAB says:

Ugh so confused.. I feel like a mess. Oh we’ll I like to clean up a mess lol

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:23am
539: BAB says:

Well*

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:24am
540: Daria says:

Jenny – eek. That didnt feel good to read. It felt icky!

The whole thing came off like huge pressure from your side. Eek.

I would never ask him out again. I would actually not ask any man out again for a year or more, just to get used to not doing that at all. It takes some time to shift my energy from justifying ‘spontaneous invites’ to healing to just Be with those urges. I love my urges.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:24am
541: Jenny says:

Thanks sweetie. Men are darn strange…why the heck keep a daily contact, but dont want to meet?

They are so darn diffrent from us – love them anyway

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:26am
542: Starla says:

Jenny 541, cuz it’s entertaining to him to have someone to talk to.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:28am
543: Mercedes says:

BAB: “But in the matter of marrage I think you are correct in that i should tell him what I’m thinking because he deserves to know, but after that I think it’s his job to figure out where we of from there..”

Yeah…I really think this way too.

But if your expectations are more bad than good, are you fully prepared to walk away for it? Not just timelines and threats, but really ready to live together in a shared living space for financial reasons only, until July, and then walk away? If not, then your timeline isn’t real. It’s one you feel is ideal but not one you’re willing to stick to for yourself. That’s not going to look very strong then if you stay. I don’t know what I’m saying except that if you’re going to communicate an ultimatum, it has to be real or he’ll have difficulty knowing (in the future) when you really are communicating what you need or what your boundaries are.

April Rose: I think when the absolute perfect man for you comes along, takes the lead and gives you your dreams, you will know that this: “I think that men are meant to be manipulative. Manipulation simply means strategising to get what you want.” Isn’t true for all men and that manipulate actually means: “to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner: to manipulate people’s feelings. ”

Not all men do this. They really don’t. Most men (at least those I know) aren’t interested in manipulating anything. They prefer straight forward life and love and not manipulation and games. It’s a lot more fun for them when things are easy. Manipulation takes energy. Now controlling type men…they like to manipulate because it makes them feel powerful over people they have no respect for.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:28am
544: Jenny says:

Thanks daria – I also know some word aint right in english, since it is written in swedish from the start.

A well I cant take it back, that would make it even worse. I stand for what I did and wrote.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:31am
545: Femininewoman says:

‘Needs’ Coming From Emotional Dependency

“I need your attention.”

“I need your approval.”

“I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex.”

“I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy.”

“I need you to make me feel secure.”

“I need you to make me feel important.”

“I need you to fill my emptiness.”

“I need you to make me feel special.”

“It is your job to make me happy.”

These ‘needs’ are coming from self-abandonment

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3285/are-you-emotionally-dependent.html

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:39am
546: Simply Goddess says:

498

Wow.. Mercedes you open my eyes.
I so easily fall for the manipulation and everything you said is right. I wish I could see it so clearly.
Maybe we all manipulate sometimes though. Maybe honestly me saying to a friend I would go to Ibiza I knew he’d see it and it would p iss him off. Feel so guilty now. I only manipulate out of fear. He’s obviously doing the same. Learning curve.

He randomly text before as hes working with an ex football coach. He text to say the guy had brought in signed pics for his daughter and one for my school and he was bring more stuff in another day.
That was it. Random.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:41am
547: Mercedes says:

FW 545…yup! I like that!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:41am
548: Simply Goddess says:

Oh.. and he hopes the flat he is going looking at tomorrow isnt a mess. “Onwards and upwards now” as he put it. Funny I’ve had those same words rolling round my head. Ha.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:42am
549: Simply Goddess says:

The last was a status not a direct text to me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:44am
550: Daria says:

Hahhh. I got a phone that’s easy to type with, I can check Internet with woohooohioo so happy happy happy. Feeling well pleased feel squeeze out my heart like a gushy squeezing my heart hormones gooey honey

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:44am
551: Daria says:

Ouch

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:46am
552: MissStix says:

Emerson 485 & 488

I have not read down further, but I would love some feedback myself!!

I only intend to use this tool if it is something I would enjoy doing for him, but feels like leaning forward or overfunctioning.

For example: If we have errands to run on a friday evening and he says “You feel like grabbing me?”. In this case I would want to because it is easier for us both for me to grab him, run our errands and head home. Rather than for us both to go out of our way to meet at his place and then head out to run errands. This may actually be the only time I would use negotiation. Maybe I could say:

“Yes, that would feel much easier! And you can buy me a coffee? ”

Or something.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:46am
553: Daria says:

I feel unheard

Lol

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:47am
554: Dominique says:

Annie – 374 – I don’t know if this has been answered, but I feel compelled to respond from my perspective.

You don’t always know when you are being manipulated. It takes practice and also a knowing of the person in question.

I prefer to take words at face value until or unless proven otherwise. I don’t want to become cynical which to me is what questioning someone’s words and motives can do. Cynicism produces constant suspicion, not something I want for you. Not something which is healthy for you.

In this case though there is a history of abusive language and lying. In this case it’s not so much an excess of words that would have me question their validity, but his patterns of the past. This would cause me to feel skeptical.

Most of the time though I choose to believe what I am told. The truth comes out eventually anyway without any effort on your part. i.e. snooping.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:47am
555: Daria says:

I feel patronized

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:47am
556: Daria says:

‘u don’t get it’ translate to ‘I feel unheard’

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:48am
557: BAB says:

Mercedes-Humm I’m going to have to re read this a few times so it sinks in, but what I think you’re trying to say is, if I’m gonna tell him what my thoughts are and about wanting there to be a marriage commitment by then, that I better be ready to move out so that he knows I mean what I say, but only to do this with out expectations god or bad. Is that totally off?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:48am
558: Mercedes says:

SG: “Maybe we all manipulate sometimes though.”

I don’t think we all do. I think a lot of people do when they are afraid of losing someone, but I don’t think those of us who have found the right person manipulate anything at all. At least not in my experience with J and with other couples I know who are truly in love and truly would never do anything to hurt the other.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:49am
559: MissStix says:

“You feel like grabbing me?”

“It would feel good to pick you up…It would feel amazing to have a little extra gas in my car ”

LOL

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:49am
560: LiliBee says:

I just had an ah-ha moment.

I am noticing that when I wasn’t making him wrong, I was making myself wrong.
I would say things like: “I need to do, I should, I shouldn’t, I need to stop, I should know better…”

I wasn’t getting why he had shifted to blaming me or making me responsible.
My communication reflected making myself wrong.

I feel fascinated.
I feel powerful that I can feel so open to observing myself objectively and learning.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:51am
561: Smile says:

I’m feeling shut eye tired. Got to unpack a bit more and hand keys back but mostly I’m moved. Feeling un organised, like I can’t find anything but that’s okay really considering I just moved like a whole house of stuff!!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:51am
562: Daria says:

Miss Stix i feel truggered.

that does Not feel good to me. I feel all pouty.

I will say I feel like coffee and it will feel so good to have coffee no matter what.

Not tied to something I’m doing, that feels like a masculine exchange and ouch. . Not romantic, not worthy of worship.

I feel confused cuz I got the impression ‘negotuating’ in Rori terms is about talking together about boundaries not about exchange of favors.

Asking for coffee in return for a favor would feel low status to me, I’d box myself into feeling unworthy and not able to express my desires unless I’m ‘earning’ them w an exchange.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:52am
563: Simply Goddess says:

Yes, that’s true. I never once can remember manipulating my ex nor him me.
It’s definitely when you are scared. At times I do feel scared. Its not the way though.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:55am
564: Smile says:

Yey daria! you can be on the blog when your on the go! Lol.

I wonder if you can these pictures on your mobile


Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:56am
565: Dominique says:

Calypso – 405 – This was a lovely gesture.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:59am
566: Mercedes says:

BAB 557: Yup. That’s what I mean. What good is a final date for you to move on with your life if it’s not really a final date but only a “I think I might be able to push him to do it by July if I try hard enough” date?

I wish you could think of it like this:

“I am ready to move on from any relationship that is not moving down the path to marriage. I believe in my heart my relationship is not moving down that path. I love him and I want to be fair so I’m going to tell him how that feels. I love myself and I also want to be fair to me so I am going to find my own place in July after our lease is up. I love my dream to be married so if I am engaged by July I won’t be looking for my own place.”

That’s staying true to you, to him and to your dream. And yes…no expectations for how he will react. Only expectations for how YOU are going to move your own life foward. No bluffing. No agenda. No manipulation. No controlling the situation. Simply telling him and telling yourself honestly where the month of July is going to take you and allowing him the respect of your honesty so he can decide where the month of July is going to take him too.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:00am
567: BAB says:

“You can’t o the wrong thing with the right man” even if I am not compleat lay sure im doing it for my happiness, if its meant to be it will be… ? Seems so wrong.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:01am
568: MissStix says:

Jenny

Lean back and take a breath…

He told you to find someone else. There is no “hinting”. No man language to woman language translation required.

When he says you are too far away, and it would be better if you found someone closer. He means it…He has checked out.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:08am
569: Femininewoman says:

It was Frank Sinatra who once sang, “Regrets, I have a few, but then again too few to mention. I did what I had to do, and saw it through without exemption.” He “did it his way.” The spirit of the song, conveying resolve and discipline in going after what you want in life, the self-esteem that most people admire, but it is also a lonely thing to strive for what you want when nobody believes in you. All of which may be entirely and unequivocally necessary

http://www.womenshappiness.com/articles/no-regrets?utm_source=getresponse&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=womenshappiness&utm_content=Never+Have+Regrets+About+Men+Again+%28Or+Anything+Else…%29

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:08am
570: Daria says:

Wow nightly triggered. What would I do if a man was asking me to pick him up. I would feel turned off.

So suppose it was my husband. Then he’d be covering all gas.

Wow that would not feel good for me outside of a live together forever commitment.

I feel sad and uncomfortable talking about this here. I feel scared. Wow I Love my fear of triggering people by speaking my truth and process! That’s awesome that I get to experience that here and love it and heal . Oh I feel a bit of relief

Hehehe

So how would I answer this with a man i was dating and I wanted to do that for? I guess I just would do it.

If gas was low for me I’d say, ‘hmm ok I feel down to pick you up but my gas is low and I don’t want to feel resentful after. What do you think?’

Smh. I don’t see this situation coming up for me. I don’t pick up men, period, and will go straight from full on courtship worship to living together worship where I’m completely taken care of. Eeh.

I feel all tightened up in my face and numb in it. I love my numbness and tightening up.

I feel sad . I love my sadness.

I feel glee and I love my glee. Heh

I love my imagination of being pushed away and unloved and conflict and blame and loneliness.

Heheh.

I feel so glad I got that easy way to not drive (DUI) so that I could get faster practice on this being picked up thing.

I feel uncomfortable saying that.

I feel unsafe celebrating it and I feel joyful and powerful and defended.

Pffff

Soon I’ll drive again but gehehe I won’t be picking men up anymore. High 5 to me.

I feel guilty that this may trigger other people, oh I feel my heart turn down and my voice get all ‘grave’

I love my grave voice

I love that I want what I want.

I love me I love my squeezed tummy. Mgh.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:08am
571: MissStix says:

Thank you daria!

I will process what you said before I respond

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:09am
572: Daria says:

Who July is Far! far away!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:11am
573: Mercedes says:

Daria 572…that was my thought too but if she’s in a lease with him then I can certainly understand protecting herself financially until July. No sense moving out now and having to pay rent in two places. I do think it is only fair to let him know soon that she will not be renewing the lease with him in July though. Give him a heads up at least because after 5 years, he’s probably not expecting her to move out anytime soon.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:18am
574: Jenny says:

Miss Stix…yes.

So lean back, let him go…and when all my wanting are gone..maybe I can get a friend in him – but not right now.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:20am
575: Daria says:

Smile – I can see them! Yay

Btw I’ve always been on the blog on the go

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:21am
576: Smile says:

I have so many projects to start! I’m going to be busy for at least 5 years! Woop! I love investing in myself.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:22am
577: MissStix says:

Hmmmm

I wonder if I would even feel comfortable under “full worship”? I need time on that thought.

I feel urgent to say we only don’t live together because I am upholding my boundary to not move into a mans own place. To only move into a fresh new place for us both. I was asked to move in. I said no…

I chose to act on my urge to say that. It is important for understanding my relationship dynamic. He wants me forever. He said that straight up, flat out. He told me it looks to him like I am the one who hasn’t ‘made up my mind’. “It’s up to you to get ok with that.” He said. And he is speaking truth.

I feel…Hot flushes on my skin. I do feel irritated.

I feel progress in myself and my relationship.

I feel irritated. I see me doing my best not to run away from this man at the drop of a hat. And I feel freaked and “run away from him!” urges at some words. “Run away it’s not enough!”

I feel fear. I feel fear to think how easy it is for me to have an urge to run. To run from a good man that I love who loves me who is devoted to me. All because his worship of me ends at picking me up. All because he has no car yet?

Sigh.

At least I have something to process today.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:22am
578: Dominique says:

Linda, Mercedes, and others – 490 – 504 – Sounds to me like he’s created an imaginary relationship, not unlike what some women do.

Yes this is needy behavior, and it’s also behavior to feel wary of. It may be perfectly innocent, yet some men who live in fantasy land and don’t get what they want, can, possibly, maybe become violent.

I don ‘t want to scare you or have you go around feeling wary. This is just something to keep in mind.

Linda, you seem clear on what you want and don’t want. This feels bad to you, so you stated as much. YAY you.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:24am
579: Daria says:

Yay thank you for feeding me

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:25am
580: Mercedes says:

MissStix: I was here too at one time! I couldn’t believe it when I read it: “I feel urgent to say we only don’t live together because I am upholding my boundary to not move into a mans own place. To only move into a fresh new place for us both. I was asked to move in. I said no…”

Because that is EXACTLY how I felt (not the only reason I wouldn’t move in with J but certainly one of them) and I also said no. I eventually changed my mind and we ended up remodeling his place together to make HIS house into OUR home but that aside…I just wanted to say I totally and completely understand that feeling and line of thought. I get it and never thought I would ever meet anyone who also understood what that means to some women.

I smiled when I read it. Thank you!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:28am
581: Simply Goddess says:

Exactly the same thought from me I guess.
I felt really uneasy about him organising a place and me just moving in with no choices of where/when etc..
I wanted to look ‘together’ as our place not just me moving into his.. Kind of different but feelings the same xx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:31am
582: MissStix says:

I feel sad and guilty.

In my mind sometimes I wish I had held out for a man with a car. Holy that feels incredibly shallow. I love you shallow girl. I feel a slight envy for girls who will find a man to worship them in all ways including by driving them around. I feel a bit sad I don’t have this.

I have “it all”. All but being driven. I feel another kind of sad over that.

I also have compassion for the man. Who was kicked out at 17 and has worked his rear off to put himself through school, pay his rent and put food on his table. Who has put buying his truck at the bottom of his priority list.

Ahhhhhh oh that feels better. He is a strong and capable man. A man to depend on. And when he gets his truck, he can pick me up from work and I know he will. I feel happier.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:32am
583: Daria says:

yay I feel glad I can explore this ok blog

I think our women practice is about getting comfortable w full worship

It feels So challenging! Unf!

So worth it, feeling all that pleasure and security, but so uncomfortable allowing it, healing the stuck spots and terror and grief and the nausea.

Eeh

For me I brought in a DUI to help me from the outside end my practice of going to men. (and I still did it ocassionalky haha taking buses alone at night and walking home 4 am)

Heeeee

I felt interesting brave and powerful doing that! Lol. And that is ok. Using that on opening up now, and allowing. I am powerful. I can mange my energies.

I feel fascinated w full worship, full femininity, offering the gift of Being that Goddess in the world, bringing that energy to life in this world.

(((( Daria))))

Feels scary thrilling and peaceful. Whooh.

I can do this .

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:33am
584: Simply Goddess says:

I feel the urge to text him
I haven’t replied about the football stuff..
I couldn’t think of a feeling message..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:34am
585: Mercedes says:

Dominique: I only had one man in my life that was so needy in vibe with all the gifts and attention but it was too much. I trusted my instincts and moved on (I was young and he was much older – at least much older for the age I was at the time) and I’m glad I did. He’s a friend of mine on fb now and he looks very happy and has a family, etc but the “ewwww” vibe I got was…too much! He certainly doted on me, but…ick! LOL

I can see where those traits would have the potential to turn violent. I never had that experience with this man (and I don’t see where he’s ever been that way even after me) but I can certainly see how it could develop that way.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:34am
586: MissStix says:

Hmmm

Many many humans in this city do not drive. We have a fantastic transit system and cyclists everywhere.

I also feel compassion for all who live here. In a place where a 800 sq ft condo could run you half a million dollars. Many many people here put owning a vehicle very last on their list.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:39am
587: Dominique says:

Yes Miss M, me too. It happened once with a man a bit older, not a lot, and like you it did not turn violent, but it really felt ew. How could this man be fawning over me when he doesn’t know me at all. Even at that tender age and through my extreme shyness, I knew to get away.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:40am
588: Mercedes says:

SG 584…I would only text him back if he asked a question. If he’s just telling you stuff then a response can wait until you see him next.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:40am
589: Simply Goddess says:

I was talking today with a friend..
I can’t help but think ‘what if..?’

We’ve had a heavy ride since we got together. He lost his job. I was a student. We both lived at our parents. He had a drug problem. Lost his job. Money worries. Him falling out with his parents and so me not going down there anymore.
Right now I’ve started a new job. A good career. He’s got his job back. Good pay. We’re both ready to move out, he’s quit the drugs. It feels awful to think after all that with us both getting back on our feet finally and getting everything we wanted that we would be giving it up now. “what if living together could work..” it’s fizzled since I stopped going down to his. I used to enjoy it and he’d wait on me hand and foot.
“what if..” is that relatable in any way? xx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:41am
590: Mercedes says:

Dominique: 587 Exactly! Me, young, shy and yet still knowing he didn’t know me well enough for all that.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:42am
591: Daria says:

Miss Stix and Daria – I feel intrigued I’m having déjà vu…

I get the impression that this relationship feels and will continue to feel even more fulfilling for miss Stix as long as boundaries, even ‘judged shallow ones’ (this is the ones that was getting me doing for men) are spoken and honored.

And as long as compassion for the man gets gently replaced w respect for the man. ( I just noticed how strong this compassion was for my dad, not to mention other men and my brothers. I cried it out raw and got some perspective shift, like it’s up to them to be solid in their masculinity, not match a woman’s emotions especially when she’s not feeling centered and balanced. So somehow my view switched to respect and rooting for his centeredness and appreciating – even in my mind – when that was his action. I feel so grateful for this mind shift from feeling bad for them to feeling respect. So grateful. I know it will help the men in my life so much for me to radiate this kind of thought energy rather than the one before. )

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:43am
592: MissStix says:

Mercedes

Thank you I feel understood.

It’s not a common dynamic, I believe…I think the “goal” is most often to live together, to grasp on to that “commitment”. I have unique priorities and boundaries. It feels good to know others “get” it.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:43am
593: BAB says:

572-573 I love reading about my story from another conversation, helps me look at it in a clear light..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:45am
594: Smile says:

Miss stix,

About the car…

I love driving. I would expect to be driven by a man if he had a car. In fact in 2 relationships the guys have bought new cars so they had a better one than me. I believe it’s a man thing.

But…

My brother is epileptic, he will never drive!! So his fiancé drives everywhere. My step dad is disabled so my mum drives everywhere. My brother always cooks tea though and my step dad looks after my mum in other ways, he’s always taking her to resaurants and spoiling her. My dad is now retired due to I’ll health but my step mum still works.

These relationships to me feel inspiring. The woman drive and it works because the men help in other ways and still spoil them.

I be live if your man looks after you in other ways then it’s ok if he doesn’t drive. It would trigger me if he did drive but still expected you to pick him up.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:49am
595: MissStix says:

Smile

Thank you for that new and lovely perspective!

Yes…He honours me and helps me out in so many ways.

I am grateful for this trigger today. Another opportunity to process my “run” urges and stand firmly in place. The urges are getting smaller and the reasons are getting narrower

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:53am
596: MissStix says:

Daria

Are you quoting a post? I can’t find it…

Oh that makes a lot of sense though. I can even see that shift in my post. Exactly where I shifted from compassion to respect and then held it.

Wonderful!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:55am
597: MissStix says:

596 is referring to 591

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:58am
598: Femininewoman says:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8mONuwBcvI&feature=plcp

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:08am
599: MissStix says:

Echos chos cho os os

I am visualizing the man behind the wheel of the little truck he wants.

Mmmm sexy!

I spent many years playing the role of chauffeur for a man. This must be why this is such a trigger for me. Towards the end, when we were splitting up, I would fantasize about a man picking me up and driving. Being “the passenger” was nearly a sexual fantasy because I was so starved for that. I did receive a lot of that when I was actively dating. But the other men I was dating when I met G…They did not drive either.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:11am
600: MissStix says:

A while back I thought a lot about letting him drive my car. But my conclusion is my car is sacred. It is my baby, and up came a new boundary “no one drives my car but me”. I also did not want to be his “teacher” for driving stick. Something about teaching a man to drive stick felt very very uncomfortably masculine. This seems like something he should already know, or teach to himself like I did.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:14am
601: Dominique says:

Simply Goddess – 589 – Playing the “what if” game will get you into trouble most every time. I want you instead to go with how you feel, right now, recently, how you feel most of the time around him and when you think about him.

If what you say here is any indication, you don’t feel good much of the time.

This is what you want to look at, not the”what ifs”.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:16am
602: MissStix says:

mmm I like “life boundaries”. As opposed to “relationship boundaries”. Someone else driving my car would trigger a total control freak stix! I can see it now “Don’t grind the clutch! Don’t downshift to slow down, use the breaks, they’re cheaper to replace! Don’t turn so hard he leaks power steering fluid. Slow down! speed up!” No thanks. I’ll just avoid that.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:18am
603: Daria says:

Haha this does feel fun to explore.

I would Totally let a man I’m in a forever committed relationship with drive my/the/our car. I’d feel so peaceful doing that.

I don’t feel good about it of its not well taken care of though, messing up clutch, power steering. Eek.

Ouch. So much stress remembering those times.

Ouch

Wow I feel excited this is coming up for me

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:24am
604: Daria says:

Haha passenger was also a sexual fantasy of mine . Lol!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:26am
605: Simply Goddess says:

Heart feels heavy tonight.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:32am
606: MissStix says:

hmmmm

I don’t want to feel like “dad” handing over the keys and saying “Remember this, and don’t do that and blah blah”. Not even once for only a minute. I actually let my own dad drive him once when I first bought him and had to bite my tongue! My dad, who has driven stick for 40 years and motorcycles etc and I had urges to “instruct”.

Maybe this is something I can let go of if I try.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:37am
607: Daria says:

Hmm I feel truggered and resentful.

Like I’m not good enough if I don’t hang on fiercely ti my independence.

I consider myself so independent

I consider that clinging to independence a manifestation of a wound of having been burned and not taken care of and taking ‘vows’ to protect myself.

These are thoughts. What do I feel?

Defensive. Tightened up in low nerve and in head and face.

Sad

Panicked

Numb

Powerful

Alert

Whewf

Spasm

I love my feelings

I feel tired.

I love my tiredness

Melty warm eyes

I love my melty warm eyes

Spasm

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:37am
608: Daria says:

Hehehe

Me I feel like peaceful woman and thinking my man is out providing for me. It feels luxurious. It feels deep and restful.

That feeling feels yummy!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:40am
609: MissStix says:

And thoughts…Why was I so good at biting my tongue with dad? Hmmm. My dad is…Masculine. My dad is my instructor. I do not give him instructions. He’s too smart for that. Ohhh this is new. I have always seen my dad as highly respectable. Highly intelligent. Very strong. Dependable. Reliable. Strong. Capable. I actually measure myself up to him! ohhh good to know lady thank you. You can stop measuring yourself up to your dad. You don’t want to be “dad”. So why measure up?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:45am
610: MissStix says:

Hehe I wrote “strong” twice.

Tells you how I see him.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:47am
611: MissStix says:

I do idolize dad.

I wonder if I subconsciously measure men against him too…

My ex had all the “intelligence” and knowlege qualities of dad. But not the rest. G has all the rest, and while he’s a super smarty he doesn’t have the kind of “depth of knowlege” of dad.

So I guess I do measure men up to him. Good to know. Thank you.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:50am
612: Smile says:

My mum is a total siren. I just heard her on the phone with her fiancé! 

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:57am
613: MissStix says:

I feel very bored in this moment. like woooooooah so bored!

I love you bored feeling.

The sweet magic of doing nothing.

rahhhhh

That’s a lie! I don’t like feeling bored. Bored to me looks like I have examined every possible thing to do and none of it feels appealing. I desire to heal this. I love you bored! I love you bored! I could actually take my car out and drive. I do love driving. Blech. Nope. Not appealing.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:00pm
614: MissStix says:

Yay for siren moms!!

I have one too. Cute little mommy. She’s in spain with dad right now

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:01pm
615: Starla says:

I love and honor myself

what other people think about me isn’t necessarily important.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:02pm
616: MissStix says:

I could finish watching the movie I started yesterday “Ondine”.

It’s about an actual siren! Well…A “silky” or something? A very feeling vibe indy romance about a fisherman who brings in a mysterious woman in his nets. I have not gotten too far into it, but it has a very calm sweet and quiet vibe about it.

Yes! This is what I will do.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:05pm
617: Mercedes says:

Dominique – 601 – YES!

MissStix: Yup! I get it! My “goal” (although I don’t think that is the right word…my expectation for how things would go maybe) was to always have my own home and always have J in my life as a partner. He moved me from that to understanding that I would always be independent (very important to me) regardless of where I live…even if that is in his house. He moved me along. Now, we both have the same goal and that is to be together in a loving committed relationship forever. That does not include marriage but it does include the same level of devotion. We’re together always in our hearts. We are happy and I believe..though others may disagree…we have both kept our independence.

Some would consider our relationship “strange” because of certain things we don’t want. We don’t want to be married, we don’t share finances, we don’t pay each other’s bills. However, we need each other very much. We miss each other terribly when we can’t be together and we are loving, devoted and dedicated to each other.

When you put those things into different categories, people will give it all kinds of names. Here it has been referred to as a “business arrangement” and a “roommate situation” and “friends with benefits” all the way to “the kind of relationship I want” to “more of a marriage than most marriages”. LOL. I think that each person wants what they want for their own lives. For J and I, we are perfect together. For others, they’d never want what I have going with J. It depends I guess on what completes us. For us, this completes us. For others, it is a marriage, a name change, children together. None of that is wrong or even strange. It is what we want and as long as each person is happy…then it is all good.

I let J drive my car. I also ride passenger in his car (I close my eyes and pretend it isn’t happening though…he drives like a maniac!). It doesn’t really matter that we’re all different in what we want and don’t want, do and don’t have, etc what matters is that we are true to ourselves regardless of what anyone else wants for themselves.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:05pm
618: April Rose says:

I want to describe the qualities I perceive in my Dad, looking back thru my mind’s eye to when he was alive.
Hmmm.
Fun, smart, solid, grumpy, quiet, changeable, stern, jokey, safe, unavailable, mean, generous.
Hmmm. So changeable!

Is that why I have in the past been turned off by steady or predictable men?

Hmmm. I intend to rewrite this pattern.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:08pm
619: MissStix says:

Ahhhh sigh

Mercedes, thank you. So much

What you describe is exactly what I want. What we want. He has told me he would consider a wedding, but it is not important to him, which feels like relief to me. He has also said “don’t worry. I will always be with you and you will always be with me.”. I was not worried about that, so I don’t know if he was saying that to soothe me, or himself, but I did not ask. I still have not asked…But I suspect my tendancy to easily give up or run shakes him a bit. I am still not asking. I do not focus on him regarding all of that but only myself. I feel a lot of progress. I feel good about this.

Anyway…Your words bring me hope. Because I know I struggle to think of what I want as “good for me” when others may not see it that way.

I can, like starla said, honour myself. And what others think is not so important.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:18pm
620: Mercedes says:

Awww…MissStix…you’re very welcome. Only you know what is good for you.

My only advice would be to stay open minded if he decides he would like to move your relationship to another level. I don’t mean compromising your values or boundaries to do what he wants but simply to keep your heart open to his needs as well.

As I said, J moved me down the road to living together a few years ago. It was important for me to stay open to that need of his and although I initially said no (I think like three times and I kept giving him the key to his house back when he would try to give it to me) I eventually allowed my heart to open to his needs and not cling so tightly to my own perceived needs (more like fears but we’ll call them needs for the purposes of this conversation….lol). He helped me with that though. By the time I moved in, we were both ready.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:25pm
621: Dominique says:

MissStix – These two articles may help.

http://sexandheart.com/marriage-versus-commitment

sexandheart.com/what-is-commitment

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:32pm
622: Daria says:

Hmm I feel judged and misunderstood.

Lol

I feel annoyed that I’m not understood.

For me I feel curious to see what others have and require to see what triggers me and what I feel jealous and desiring of.

So that I can have it too. If hearing about it triggers me, something’s going on for me.

If I hear something that’s not important for me I don’t think I’d notice.

For example when women are like, oh we’re not married and we don’t want to, I don’t get a piny jealous feeling.

I get a eh that’s not what I want … I wonder why they want that. ( Or, to be honest, I wonder what wounds they have to trigger that block to intimacy ). Or is it circumstances?

When I hear something I Do want that I wasn’t allowing myself to have, like an expensive gift, then I feel this kinda sadness.

It’s a clue for me that I want it – and of course I can have it.

It’s a feeling I know well. I Loce this and it’s power to have me want more and more worship and great treatment.

I feel annoyed at the talk about, oh it’s just about owning what you want – I feel like I’m being judged as saying what other people have is wrong. And I feel unseen and not got.

And I feel sad. I love my unseen and ungot feelings.

I feel annoyed that I’m getting caught up in this thinking.
I love my getting caught up in this thinking.

stuff I don’t want that people talk about, like a man being gone for 6 months. Or a man working a long term job.

All the stuff I don’t want doesn’t trigger me. It kinda flies by.

Stuff I do feel truggered and desirous of, flowers, cooking for me. Paying for everything. Those would feel so lux.

Hehe some of those things I didn’t hear of or believe I could have till I saw other women having em.

And some I have a habit of arguing w myself why I can’t have them, shouldn’t want them, unreasonable etc

But I don’t want that. I do want them and I feel glad they’re showing up more and more in my life.

I feel defensive a bit.

((((( Daria))))))

I love my feelings

I live my sadness.

I live my excitement at receiving Everything I desire.

Yeeeee

So excited

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:35pm
623: MissStix says:

Mercedes

I giggled a little on this one. Remembering back at the beginning how hard I “fought” not to have a dresser drawer for my stuff at his place. Not to take the fancy key covered in hearts. Not to say “I love you”. I opened to all of that eventually. I don’t know if I will open to moving into his place. He asked only once so far and that was like a year ago. I feel uncomfy getting into his head, but if I do that right now…I think he feels ok about it as long as he knows i’m in it to win it. And I figure, how many times can I run, but still be there when he comes to me before we both know i’m actually not going anywhere :p This is where I am.

K…Enough is enough. I am not going anywhere.

And even saying that and knowing it’s true this pops up in my brain “You don’t know that.”. But f@ck it. I’m cool with that I can let that go and just be. And be open.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:42pm
624: Mercedes says:

Daria: “For example when women are like, oh we’re not married and we don’t want to, I don’t get a piny jealous feeling.

I get a eh that’s not what I want … I wonder why they want that. ( Or, to be honest, I wonder what wounds they have to trigger that block to intimacy ). Or is it circumstances?”

It’s not about blocking intimacy for us…or about circumstances either. It’s about not feeling a need in either of our hearts so we choose not to change us. If either of us felt a longing or a need we would take that step together, in time, when we were both ready. But not feeling a need for any change keeps us from wanting to change it. We are as intimate as can get…we just don’t feel a need to do anything different than what we have right now.

But I don’t think most people feel that way and I am truly, truly happy for those who get what they want even if it’s not something I want. Does that make sense? For example, I want you to have someone who will cook for you. I personally like to cook so I would feel lost if I couldn’t be in the kitchen but at the same time, when I don’t feel like cooking, J takes me out to dinner (because he doesn’t like to cook). I think that’s all okay for us even though it wouldn’t be right for you.

It doesn’t mean you or J or I have wounds that need healed or that we’re blocking anything. It means we have different desires, needs, likes, wants and don’t wants. I believe in celebrating our differences rather than judging what others have as wrong. But…I’m not judging you for that…I’m not judging you at all. I’m simply relating to another woman on this blog who wants some of the same things I want/wanted. I’m (hopefully) helping her to feel comfortable with her own needs because I understand them. It’s not about judging you to be wrong…it’s about hoping you will not judge me to be wrong (or wounded) simply because we have different desires.

I hope that resonates.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:46pm
625: Starla says:

i feel alone and unwanted
*pout*

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:49pm
626: Smile says:

Dominique, thank you for that.

I do want to be married, that’s important to me. Interesting though, and feels reassuring that Im not too fussed over the party side etc…

“It seems to me that there are many people, women predominantly, who become so consumed with the IDEA of marriage and all they imagine it entails including (and maybe more importantly to them) the pretty dress and the flowers and the party. These women seem to get all caught up in a romantic creation and sometimes seem to close their eyes to the truth of what is.”

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:52pm
627: Mercedes says:

MissStix: You make me smile.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:52pm
628: Mel says:

Mercedes, Linda, Dominique,

Stalkers aside…

It has happened that I felt creepy about receiving things/attention from a man and it really was all about MY stuff. My fear of intimacy, of being hurt, of being vulnerable… my internal programming that I didn’t ‘deserve’ it. I really wasn’t a great receiver. It takes practice.

I have also felt creepy when I didn’t feel any initial attraction for the man. Again, he wasn’t stalker-y, just interested. At first it felt uncomfortable, but I practiced staying open, allowing more time. Attraction really can take a while to develop!

Obviously if things feel too icky or your gut says: Run! perhaps that’s a red-flag. But if you’re just feeling a little out of your comfort zone, maybe it is not such a bad idea to explore why

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:55pm
629: Daria says:

Since I stopped trying to get same-day dates (to quell my loneliness), 3 out of 3 men have asked to see me on the day of.

I said oh itd feel wonderful to meet you I’d feel better to know a time a couple says ahead of time…

I have two planned dates

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:56pm
630: Mercedes says:

Starla – I hope you’re okay. Absorb your feelings…they will pass right through you though maybe not right away.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:56pm
631: Daria says:

Hmm I guess I don’t ‘get’ that party side thing. I’ve heard of women who fantasized about weddings, but only in movies or books … So i caregorized it as pop culture BS.

I’ve never met a woman in real life that fantasized about weddings.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 12:59pm
632: Starla says:

Mercedes, thanks girl:) I’m okay.
I’m feeling jealous. I want a fabulous relationship. I feel afraid I won’t have it, when I’m actually pretty cool and awesome….

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:00pm
633: Smile says:

Dominique, thank you for making it easy to search for individual articles on your website. There were a lot there that caught my eye that I’d not seen before.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:03pm
634: Smile says:

(((my previous relationship mistakes)))

I don’t desire to turn back the clock, that would not serve me.

I will move forward, knowing what I know now and continuing on my journey of discovery!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:04pm
635: Smile says:

I feel like a different person that I was 2/3 years ago.

I like the new siren me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:07pm
636: Simply Goddess says:

Listening to the ipod..
Our Buble songs have just been on.. Barbeque, Blankets and Buble beats used to be our thing.. Cuddled up together in the back garden, stargazing..
Now Ordinary People.. John Legend.. Sure it’s trying to torture me..
Ahh tears..
Miss it all..

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:11pm
637: Mercedes says:

Awww…Starla…you’ll have it. I used to feel that way too. It gets better but you actually already knowing that you are super cool and deserving goes a long way toward getting that. I didn’t have that feeling about myself for many, many years…probably why it took me so long to find J.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:14pm
638: Daria says:

Mercedes – hmm I feel triggered a bit. I agree about people wanting different things.

I feel annoyed like my exploration was hijacked and turned into ‘oh don’t worry honey you have the same ‘needs’ as me no need to want more for yourself’

Then you also mentioned that those ‘needs’ turned out to be more like fears – abt living together. And I feel uncomfortable to point it out.

I did get the impression from past posts in the past that theres wounds around marriage and maybe related to beliefs on religion too. I feel uncomfortable. And it’s totally ok for this perception to be diff than another’s. I’m remembering my healing comes from mirroring and feeling rather than holding onto a solid-feeling perception. That feels scary and I’m letting it open now.

I felt all tight insideand my shoulders talking about this at first as it may be turning into an argument.

Pfff

Yes people have different desires, but when I’m truggered about the desires of others and questioning whether I want that (and arguing w myself why I should not worry about it or want it and whether it’s fair or possible)… Its cuz I want that.

And I can have everything I want.

I dont want to close my heart to a man who at moment isn’t giving it all to me… I feel better to just open to my desire and allow it to be fulfilled in a way that feels good to me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:14pm
639: Dominique says:

Smile – 626 – Yes indeed. I find this to be true more of the time than feels good to me, yet everyone is on their own unique path, and each one has to learn her unique lessons, or not.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:20pm
640: Smile says:

I feel sick 

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:20pm
641: Smile says:



Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:21pm
642: Mel says:

Janie Baby: Re 418

“I feel so confused. My boyfriend just had a convo on the phone with me about how he feels like he does all the work always calling me and planning things…”

I feel curious Janie… When he does call you and plan dates or do all the manly things that make you feel cherished, do you melt? Do you swoon and tell him how great it makes you feel?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:21pm
643: Smile says:

My tummy is turning. I feel like I gave up on a good thing because my negative vibes were looking for more. I didn’t recognise it as commitment.

((me))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:23pm
644: Smile says:

I had this brought to my attention on the blog a while ago.
I forgave myself.
Now I read about commitment again and again i will forgive myself.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:25pm
645: Mercedes says:

Daria; I don’t understand this part of what you say:

“I feel annoyed like my exploration was hijacked and turned into ‘oh don’t worry honey you have the same ‘needs’ as me no need to want more for yourself’

I’m actually trying to say the opposite of that. I don’t think you and I have the same needs at all and I want you to have everything you desire and more. And I like that about people…we’re all so different. You wanting more for yourself than I have is a wonderful thing. I may want more for myself some day too and that’s okay…that’s all about growing within my own soul and I have every intention of continuing to grow. The “more” that I want for myself right now has nothing to do with J but it still exists. I want more in a lot of ways. Career. Money. Traveling. Exploring. I want more of all of that. I believe I will always want more of something but I’m not sure that will bleed over into my relationship. It might though…which is why I mentioned J and I stay open to each other’s needs.

I did fear living with him because I feared losing my independence. He helped me with that. At the time, for me, it didn’t feal like fear, it felt like wanting my independence. Looking back, it was probably a fear of losing that independence.

As far as marriage, I’m not afraid of it and I have no triggers around it. I wanted it a LOT at one time in my life and I actually got married. I wasn’t afraid, I was excited. So excited!! I’m not there now. It no longer excites me or lives in my heart as a desire. I do understand why people desire to get married for religious reasons but, with my religion, I can’t because I was married before so the religious part does not play a role in it at all for me. Even if I did want to get married in my church, it would not be allowed so that part doesn’t play in to my relationship with J and I at all.

I didn’t mean to say things that trigger you so much but I want to clear up…my posts are about celebrating the differences in what we all want..they are not about saying I have what everyone wants. And they are not about having an argument with you. I don’t want that at all. I want you to be happy for me in the life that I choose to lead, but even if you can’t be happy for me, I don’t have any desire to defend it or argue about it…I do have a desire to explain it so that if nothing else, the women here can understand me.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:27pm
646: Femininewoman says:

“When our needs are threatened something else interesting happens: we cope.

Coping is when we are motivated to meet our needs in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others. Some people would refer to their coping behaviors as their bad habits.”

http://becrobbins.com/blog/why-we-do-what-we-do-4-steps-to-changing-bad-habits/

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:28pm
647: MissStix says:

<3 to all of us with our individual desires.

To me "marriage" is just a word, and yes, a wedding is just a party. Learning that what I truly desire is a relationship with a deeply intimate bond. A relationship that lasts as long as that intimate bond remains intact. I think…If that is a lifetime, wow. That would feel incredibly wonderful. To know I had an intimate bond with a man and it remained that way for my whole life. If the bond becomes severed, at some point down the road, for any reason I do feel ok with that too. I imagine it would feel incredibly sad and heart breaking(like it did when my bond with exhusband broke) but I would move through it and be ok and create a new bond with a different person.

So, now, in this moment I commit myself to allowing that bond freedom to be, to grow stronger, to weaken, to ebb and flow with time and experience and to not block, sever, or rip that bond apart. This is where my healing dwells, and not within growing a need to have "official" anything.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:30pm
648: Simply Goddess says:

This is hard.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:32pm
649: Smile says:

My hands feel dry. I still feel sick. Maybe I will be sick. My nausea has increased. Is this what anxiety feels like?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:33pm
650: Starla says:

thank you mercedes
((((((((mercedes)))))))))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:36pm
651: Goddess Lily says:

632-Starla,

I’m feeling the same way today. I don’t know why though.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:37pm
652: Mercedes says:

SG: It’s going to be okay. I know it’s hard. Maybe start by making a list of all the things you like about him today. What are the most recent things he’s said or done to show you how much the whole world should like this man? How long ago were those things?

I know you love him. Tell us all what you like about him. Tell us about those amazing qualities of his that are a constant…things he says and does all the time to show the world that he is a good man. Not specific instances of greatness, but those constant things that (no matter what is happening in his life) stay good.

Why do you like him? Why should we like him?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:38pm
653: MissStix says:

(((smile)))

If what you were getting did not look like comittment to you, then I would dare to say it was not comittment. I do get that you are just reflecting! For sure. But I want to say…Holding that past up to something that looks like comittment to someone else in the present is probably not the clearest picture.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:39pm
654: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel wobbly. like I’m in the space between “yes, I could really love myself and really love maybe you and you and you…but there’s this part of me that doesn’t trust myself anymore.

because I DID trust, because I WAS at such a good place, and it wasn’t enough, it’s never enough.

and I get back to that good place and you notice and you chase and then I feel scared and angry and I assume that you’re going to abandon me or flirt with my best friend in front of me and then you do.

Or I finally let myself feel safe with you, let you see my crazy, and you get a girlfriend that same night.

and I feel like you still want me, suspect it so strongly, but reality hits, you have a girlfriend, you have a girlfriend, you have a girlfriend.

and if I was the girlfriend, you could always leave me, but you will never leave the girlfriend you’re with.

or you pick up a long distance somebody, who knows about me, but you try to keep her a secret from me, why?

do you think I can’t handle it?

but she can handle knowing about me?

what does she keep popping up on my facebook? why does she feel threatened by me when nothing is going on that I can tell?

why did I feel an instant pang of jealousy when a guy who was paying plenty of attention to me asked you for your name as you were walking out the door?

I feel jealous that you’ve been engaged before, I feel jealous that you know how to open your heart, have had that engagement end, and still know how to open your heart again.

i feel a longing for the security I used to feel, but then I feel angry because even with as secure as I used to feel, it still wasn’t enough.

can I be even more secure than I was back then?

even though now I have debt and odd silver hairs and ten more pounds more than I used to?

and why does it matter?

I have to work harder, and I feel scared about this career that will be like a gigantic mirror shining on who-I-really-am or who-I-really-am-not and what a true failure is?

collapsing in the exhaustion of my masculine energy.
no time for romance.
not even from myself to myself.

I feel embarassed that I have no good stories to share here.

I long for stories to tell…

Real stories.

how do I let go of expectations?

I want to have my heart-broken again.

you can’t make me happy, you’re a failure of a man.
you can sense my dissatisfaction.
you’ll go find a woman whom you can make happy.
even if she is in Wyoming.

Of course you can’t make me happy!
You are not responsible for that!

I am responsible for my own happiness and I am happy, for the most part.

I just feel sad and confused when I see you.
I just miss you and don’t know what to say and don’t know what to do.

and then that guy at church stares at me when I’m feeling vulnerable or angry.

and I sit next to the guy who always stares at me, that I like as a friend and nothing more…

and I love my mystery.
and I feel scared to share my mystery with you.
and I feel like you’ve seen all of me, and now you’re bored or you’re waiting for me to do that big secret thing it is that women do that I’ve never known how to do…

so I must be a failure as a woman…

except that I know that I’m not…

and I kept accusing you after you were gone of being a coward, when really I was the coward.

I want words. actions yes, but words too. actions are easier to forget than words. words are remembered. words mean something.

actions can be misinterpretted.
actions can be meaningless…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:43pm
655: Starla says:

ok ok
scuuuuuuuuuurch
stop the bus

what is this

no no no

silly starla

you are so beautiful

you are so intelligent and brave and strong and have accomplished things many people only fantasize about doing

you deserve the best, of course!

you are going to make mr. right very happy one day:)

and he will wonder what took so dang long for you to find each other.

bliss.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:43pm
656: Daria says:

Well a relationship by def wd be as long as the intimate bond is intact.

If we’re not going for lifetime then sounds like setting it up for heartbreak.

If not imagining it for life sounds like a block to intimacy – no vision of happy ever after so not enough vision energy to manifest anything but that unclarity.

I do dare to want it for life.

I feel terrified.

What if I want to stop and have another.

All those are illusions.

It is ok to want it for life.

I’m safe even if I feel like throwing up.

Babe it’s all about gem energy. When you’re gem energy you draw in masc energy. And when you choose happy you get happy.

But what if it’s not happy.

It doesn’t work that way trust me. There’s no need to protect. It will come to you and feel great.

Sooo

I feel confused.

What if I want many.

Yes I want many, and that’s great. And I can choose one if he takes care of the many, if he’s closer deeper giving me more than I can have from many. He’ll
work that out.

I’m a tree I’m a tree.

I feel sad!

No lifetime?

Marriage is something man made up so he can be the hero. The one. The favorite.

I don’t need to be married

I need fulfillment

Mm

So do I then say I’d feel good to have a family, a community, feel supported and fed and worshipped .

No more it wd feel good to be married?

Hehe

Lol I like that.

I think I shall be married to an amazing man that way.

I feel scared!

((((( Daria )))))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:44pm
657: Daria says:

Thanks for the trigger ladies

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:45pm
658: Mercedes says:

“If we’re not going for lifetime then sounds like setting it up for heartbreak.

If not imagining it for life sounds like a block to intimacy – no vision of happy ever after so not enough vision energy to manifest anything but that unclarity.”

Daria: Were you answering to my post earlier with that? I think it was about what I said but I guess I shouldn’t jump to conclusions about that…

I do want it for a lifetime. I have that. J and I are committed for life to each other. We are not ending this…we are together forever. We are going for lifetime. We are not starting that out in a church or in a court house but we ARE going for lifetime here.

I’m so incredibly confused right now. You think because we don’t feel a desire to be married that we’re not going to spend the rest of our lives together??? Where did that come from? I never said that at all…not even once. We are IN LOVE. Completely, totally, committed to loving each other forever.

Maybe that’s not what you meant???? Please clarify if you can because I’m lost on how what I said turned into us not going for a lifetime together….

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:53pm
659: Daria says:

Whoa . So I’m so triggered by this cuz I’m someone who doesn’t need marriage.

I just want to be taken care of , financially, sexually, emotionally-safety by masculine energy.

And if that gathers onto one man who wants to claim me and get closer to me than others – which it will I bet if I look at nature and sperm, I feel open to it.

Ohhhh but this feels Sad scary

It feels hard to trust

if I don’t vision ‘one’ of I don’t say I want marriage …..

I feel scared I won’t be taken care of, provided for… When I have lil children…
Sadness help

I want Rori

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:54pm
660: Iamabutterfly says:

it feels so good to talk about him and him and him and her and me and to have us all here in this blog room and to feel and to flow and to just feel okay with it all, to feel curious about it all, to make the imaginary real and the real imaginary.

it feels good to play. it feels good to hug these memories and let them go. to hug these men and let them go. to hug that woman who I am so jealous of and to let her go.

she’s so beautiful and secure and calm and quiet and peaceful.

and that’s beautiful.

but I’m beautiful too.
I’m beautiful in all my messy, all my crazy, all my insecurity because there’s something extremely compelling about my own ignorance of my own power and beauty and depth.

I love that I’m insecure and volatile and crazy and unpredictable and immature and childish and outspoken and argumentative and grabby and also scared and whimper-y and impulsive and changeable and interesting and exciting and infuriating and exhausting.

Just because I’m not all the things that she is doesn’t mean anything.

has she fought the battles I have?
maybe she has…

no one fights the same battle…

I love my battles.
I love my exaggeration of my battles, because I really haven’t had it that bad…
my life has kind of been this blissful magical thing…
and I still don’t know what to make of it…
and sometimes I feel embarassed by it…

but that’s okay
and i overshare sometimes
and I close off sometimes
and that’s okay

and I feel angry for “no logical reason” sometimes and that’s okay, at least I care…

and I love the way you listen to me
and I love the way you make me laugh
and I love that there’s more than one of you
and that I can’t even imagine only loving one of you
only one of the many dimensions of me

can I love and accept you all?

oh I want to so bad!

your dry lips, your hips, your slow walk, your drifting mind, the way you get loopy when you’re tired, yes I love all of you…I promise to always love all of you…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:57pm
661: MissStix says:

Marriage was created surrounding legalities. Contracts. Record keeping. A wife was, for the most part, a posession. Marriage has been, throughout history , and in most cultures, wholly un-romantic. Daughters were given to men as wives. They still are to this day in many cultures. Marriage for love has been a rarity up until relatively recently in the scheme of things.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 1:59pm
662: Simply Goddess says:

When I’m sleeping next to him he wraps his arms round me real tight and in the night I can feel him hugging me close.
Because we’re so alike and love the same things. We can spend all our time together and not get bored.
He’ll cook me tea, clean the house when Im at work.
It’s so cute when he’s a bit nervous if we haven’t seen each other for a few days. I can tell he’s making extra effort.
How good he is with my little nephew and kids in general. He won’t hesitate to take him out and when we’re both holding my little nephews and his daughters hand together we look like the perfect family.
How he’ll do anything for me. All over Summer every minute he could he would be decorating my classroom with me. Nothings ever too much trouble.
Because it feels good he pays for me to be insured on his sports car and wants me to drive it whenever I can. It feels good when he takes me out, pays for food etc.
Because no matter what he always puts 4 kisses on the end of his texts. Ha..
Because he just wants to be liked and loved and as much as he denies it he cares so much what others think. Too much.
Because he’s an amazing Dad and just wants the best for his daughter.
Hes a good man. He’s just so lost in controlling his own life because he wants to make everyone happy and ends up making no-one happy.

He’s my lover and my best friend. I miss him for that.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:00pm
663: Daria says:

I feel sad I feel scared so scared

I don’t want to go into this territory alone

Where is Rori ?

I feel fascinated ooh cool my self discovery going down into myself ‘alone’ quest

I am linked w women. My hands are held I’m ok I’m safe.

I’m safe to find myself

I feel so sad

Why do I always have to be so unique and leadery

I love and admire that about me

My head feels sad in the back

Wooh

I feel sad

Am I hurting myself by exploring this?

Is it healthier to just look away at something that feels less turnpikes and feels easy and fun?

Ok I give up.

I give up to the horse.

So scared

I don’t ‘get’ it.

I get everything.

Getting it is my passion.

My heart feels heavy

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:01pm
664: Simply Goddess says:

..and the little hand rub over the face thing he does to hide his smile when he’s really happy about something. Like when I got my job.
The amazing messages he’s always sent all day that made me feel loved.
Because when he feels he’s getting it right and making me happy he is utterly in love and would walk on water for me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:02pm
665: MissStix says:

Mercedes post to daria

It was my words that acted as trigger. I said “if that bond severs at any time for any reason I am ok with that.”.

I know what I mean by that so I feel cool about it. I also feel cool to trigger daria. It helps her in her process. We trigger each other and say “thank you”. lol

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:04pm
666: Simply Goddess says:

The way he calls me his girl and talks about other men and gets a little bit jealous. It’s cute.
He didn’t have the best childhood and his mothers abusive of his father. He does anything she tells him to in not the kindest way. His fathers lovely.
I see him as part father part mother. He is so nice and liked by everyone like his father, but unfortunately his abusive, lying side comes from his mother. Something he hates in her.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:05pm
667: Mercedes says:

SG: Excellent. Now when was the last time you told him you like those things about him? And after the way he has recently talked to you and treated you, do you feel like you still want to tell him those things? Or that you should? Do you think telling him those things will encourage him to stop all manipulation and name calling going forward? Do you think, if he knew all those great things about himself, that he would want to be a good person all the time and only treat you with respect and love and understanding?

If so, maybe it’s time to tell him…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:05pm
668: Mercedes says:

MissStix…I hope it was your post and not mine that triggered it. lol. I get really defensive when someone makes light of my relationship with J. (not something I ever plan on changing). Daria and I were communicating with each other the post before and I responded back to her so I assumed she was replying to me again but maybe not.

I’m not good at thanking people for triggers. I don’t like triggers enough for that. haha!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:09pm
669: Daria says:

If I increased my physical power . Would I feel more safe in the world? Or would I increase the size of my unsafety fears.

I feel lost. This feels tiring.

Im way down in the dark warm volcano and I feel sleepy and comfortable there.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:11pm
670: MissStix says:

Dominique

Finally got to your article! Thank you! Big huge help, as always.

I found myself feeling a little sad to still feel less devoted to G as I “should” be.

Then I told myself “You are exactly as devoted to a lifetime as you should be for you in this moment.”.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:13pm
671: Daria says:

I’m feeling so detached floating in this other world
I feel like I’m the womb

My brain feels warm and melty

My throat feels tight

I feel choked up

I feel sleepy

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:14pm
672: Simply Goddess says:

I haven’t for a long time. It would probably feel good to although I feel vulnerable saying it when I feel like really I should be angry at him right now.
How do you tell someone that?
Isn’t that leaning forward?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:15pm
673: Mel says:

I don’t want to make the “till death do us part” commitment again. I want a forever love, that’s my hope and what I’m striving for. But I want the freedom to say… “nope, this isn’t working for me. It would feel best to move on.”

Because to me a commitment is a commitment. Till death do us part… well, that means EVEN if I feel incredibly unhappy. And I don’t ever want to feel incredibly unhappy and trapped in that state again.

It feels healthier for me to commit to being happy with someone I love. And being my best self in another’s presence. That’s why I no longer believe in marriage.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:16pm
674: Daria says:

I’m so sad… Me and this sadness that I don’t feel safe in the world. That I can’t be sure I won’t be violently attacked.

I feel terrified of violent attack

I want to heal this

That’s hopeless everyone has that.

I love my defeatist thought

I love my surge of energy

Hmmmmh

Relief and smile

Pressure on my chest

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:20pm
675: Laughing Goddess says:

Mel 673

That’s where I’m at too.

I’ve been feeling curious that discussion we had earlier about ‘acting normal’ in the face of his personal crisis. How is that going?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:22pm
676: Daria says:

Don’t give up D!

It’s ok to feel overwhelmed and scared and hopeless!

I am here helping you heal

You are loved and supported.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:24pm
677: Mercedes says:

SG: Yes. It’s leaning forward…but at this point, does it matter? He’s not following the relationship rules of treating you and your mother with respect so if you break a few rules and lean forward some, I don’t think it’s going to be the end of the world here.

Feeling like you “should be” angry doesn’t mean you ARE angry (I’M angry at him but I’m also not the one crying my eyes out missing him…nobody here can tell you how to feel…you will feel what you will feel). If you like him and you still like him when he’s saying horrible things to you and you still like him when he’s manipulating the situation in his favor. If all those things above are CONSTANTS (remember, I asked you for constants, not few and far between situations) and those constants outweigh the way he treated you recently (and other times????) and you are willing to accept him EXACTLY the way he is, right now, no desire to change him…then you should really tell him those things.

As far as how do you tell him, you say “It feels like this is ending. Before it does, I have something to say…I want you to know all the things I LIKE about you” and then say it.

J and I remind each other all the time about why we like each other. For us, love isn’t quite enough…although the love IS splendid!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:24pm
678: Daria says:

Being alive feels uncomfortable

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:24pm
679: MissStix says:

I do so dislike that word “should”.

Remove yourself, *should*, from my vocabulary. At once! Vile creature. You are no longer appreciated.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:24pm
680: Mel says:

Hi LG!

I feel so happy for you BTW… Congrats!

Actually, it feels like it’s going well. When things feel a bit intense, I’ve calmly removed my energy from the situation, without any judgement.

I’m just continuing on with my happy life in his presence. Normal feels good. We feel good, despite the bit of chaos around!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:27pm
681: Simply Goddess says:

Why does it feel so scary to tell him right now.. and even just to say it feels likes its ending.. Strange x

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:28pm
682: MissStix says:

I am what I am. I am who I am. I am where I am. I feel how I feel. I see the way I see. I love the way I love. I receive love the way I receive it.

There is no room for *should* in my life.

Only could. Can. Will. Won’t. Would. How would that feel. Excellent. Thank you.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:29pm
683: Senior Lady Vibe says:

Hi @77: Mercedes:

Hello there. Surprised to see you commenting on Rori R. I haven’t read posts in about six months. Maybe will read the top since I lost five pounds.

SLV
xoxo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:30pm
684: Laughing Goddess says:

Mercedes: I feel really surprised to hear you giving SH’s man a chance as I thought you were on Team He’s An Abusive Manipulator Run For The Hills Now!!!!

I feel shocked and pleasantly surprised.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:30pm
685: Daria says:

I can have marriage w my own vows… Marriage = exclusivity w forever intentions

So triggering and scary to think about these things

So sad!

So much fear

I want these children and I want to have solid people to care for me while they’re growing

Heh

Dizzy

What about after

Do I even care?

Might be nice… Or whatever

Hmmm

I’m sorry it felt so torturing to you bae

I can let it be easy

Sobs

I don’t know how to handle this

I love my lostness

I love my pain

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:34pm
686: Starla says:

SLV!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like i just spotted a unicorn

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:34pm
687: MissStix says:

My biggest fear trigger is “wasting time”.

“Wasting time” fear is what causes me to run most often. So weird!!! I have nowhere to be, how could I possibly waste time.

Gulp.

You know that moment you realize you have been creating your own fear trigger? I feel slight panic. And out of thin air and for no reason at all she created a fear of something that does not even exist.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:34pm
688: Daria says:

Thanks for looking at this for me D

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:35pm
689: Goddess Lily says:

Feeling tired of the yo yo that is my emotional state.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:38pm
690: Mercedes says:

SLV!!!!! I’ve been here for about…well…a few days…maybe since Thursday or Friday??? I can’t remember. My first comment in months was on the post before this one.

LG: I AM on that team. If I could get 5 minutes alone with that man he would NEVER be so disrespectful to women EVER again as long as he lives. BUT I can’t have 5 minutes alone with him and…SG wants him. She loves him and she likes him and she’s good with the way he is right now and doesn’t want to change him so…all I can do is try to help her be the best woman she can be and be authentic with him at all times so he feels her love and maybe she’ll get what she’s hoping for. Based on her posts (and I only know him from her posts), I wouldn’t give him the time of day. What does it matter what I would give him though? I don’t want him. She wants his heart. Who am I to try to stop her? My true advice is to run for the hills because he’s never going to change but…she doesn’t want him to change so…what can I say?

SG: It feels scary because you need practice being authentic. You need to learn how to say everything you are feeling (even the good stuff..the compliments…) and to say them from your heart. Scary, yes but what have you got to lose?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:41pm
691: MissStix says:

Well sh!t stix. What’s up with you?

Ummm…not much. Just realizing I have nothing to be afraid of. And i’m no longer afraid of being afraid of nothing. Hellz yeah!

That felt kind of BAM! In my face!

I feel ridiculously giggly and funny right now. Letting go of something feels so…Woosh. Floor out from under you and suddenly you’re soaring!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:44pm
692: Daria says:

Yeah cuz it does not feel good spending exclusive time growing close w a man and then it’s not growing anymore.

Ok thank you

So his marriage thing is a thing he does to say I will be pushing men out of the way from reaching you too close, forever, and I will be the one embodiment in these ways

Sexual and romantic

Hmmmh

Hmmmh

That seems like it would feel relaxing, like him winning me,

I don’t want to give exclusivity before he makes it obvious.

He makes it obvious w professing it, to me everyone to the world to w the ring thing w the home building for us

I dono I feel sad

Maybe I’m better off w children without a particular man?

It wd feel good to … Have a sexual and nutritional and sleep caretaker

Hmmm

If I don’t require these devotions, he won’t feel inspired to give them to me

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:46pm
693: MissStix says:

Rah rah rah I just let go of my last fears!

I have all the time in my whole life to be right here.

There is no reason to be scared of “no fear”. Yes. Fear can feel like safety. But no fear can also feel like safety. Yes. Getting it. Yes yes yes.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:49pm
694: Daria says:

I do want him to profess it! I do want him to say to everyone and me that he will be my provider forever. I do want him to show it

I feel sad soo sad

I love my sadness

I don’t know what it’s about but I love it

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:49pm
695: Simply Goddess says:

It feels like this is ending. Before it does, I have something to say…I want you to know all the things I LIKE about you
I like that when I’m sleeping next to you you wrap your arms round me real tight and in the night I can feel you hugging me close.
I like that we’re so alike. I remember your mum saying God found a perfect match in us two. I like that we love the same things. I like that we can spend all our time together and not get bored. I like how anything I do with you even bloody walking round Asda every night is never boring.
I like how you buy and cook me tea when I get in from work.
I like how you seem a little bit nervous sometimes when we haven’t seen each other for a while. I like how honest and vulnerable you are when you’d had stuff, I feel like I see the real you.
I like how good you are with xxx and kids in general. The way you won’t hesitate to take him out and when we’re both holding his and xxx hand together we look like the perfect family. It feels amazing.
I like how you’ll do anything for me. All over Summer every minute you could you would be decorating my classroom with me. Nothings ever too much trouble.
I like how you pay for me to be insured on the car and want me to drive it whenever I can. It feels good when you take me out, pay for food and treat me like a princess.
I like that you always puts 4 kisses on the end of your texts and you have a photo of me and you on your phone.
I like you because I know deep down you just want to be liked and loved and as much as you deny it you do care what others think. Too much.
I like that your an amazing Dad and just wants the best for xxx.
I like that your a good man. I just think you get so lost in controlling your life because you want to make everyone happy and you often end up making no-one happy.
I like that you’re my lover and my best friend and I miss you when you’re not around. I like the way you call me your girl and you get a little bit jealous sometimes. It makes me feel good.
I like the little hand rub over the face thing you do to hide your smile when you’re really happy about something. Like when I got my job.
I like the amazing messages you send in the day that make me feel loved.
I like that when you feel you’re getting it right and making me happy you seem utterly in love and like you’d walk on water for me.
Maybe in the chaos we don’t tell each other enough but don’t ever think I don’t like you. I do. x

That would feel SO scary to send. I’d feel so vulnerable. Is it bits at a time or all at once.
If I just sent that isnt that letting him off with all the stuff that has made me mad. Maybe thats why it feels scary. x

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:50pm
696: Mercedes says:

SG: Send????? NO…I meant you need to TELL him. As in face to face. Let him SEE your love. Sending feels like…I don’t know…not authentic. I mean, let him look into your eyes and SEE your love. Maybe you have other things to say too like “I still feel mad” or “I have been mad” (which ever it is for you). Time to look him in the eye and say everything. You just send this good stuff then yeah…he’ll feel like all the manipulation worked. You look him in the eye and tell him why you like him and tell him how you feel (right now) and deal with how he reacts to it all, THEN you are being authentic.

Email? Facebook? That’s no way to SHOW a man how you feel about him.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:54pm
697: Laughing Goddess says:

Yay Mel! I feel so happy to hear that.

And thanks, I feel really excited! It’s all feels a bit abstract at the moment because I am still so early along in the process. It feels cool and necessary that nature gives us plenty of time to prepare (both mentally and physically) as it all unfolds.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:56pm
698: Simply Goddess says:

I know its the only communication he seems to let me have though lately. Part of our problem.
You’re right though. No send. Real talk. x

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:56pm
699: Mercedes says:

SG: If you send this in an email to him, please remember, that advice did NOT come from me! When I said “tell him”, I didn’t mean this way. Not at all. It feels needy this way and I would never advise a woman (even if I’m not okay with her choice in men) to send an email with these things in them.

I sent one of those long drawn out emails one time. I regret it so much. Please…if you want him, tell him these things from your heart while looking at him. Do NOT send this in an email….

Please…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 2:57pm
700: Mercedes says:

SG: You are making this harder and harder for me. It’s the only communication he will let you have right now? And that’s good enough for you? You still like him and you still don’t want to change him? I want to help you be authentic because even though I don’t think he’s good enough for you, YOU do…but…you gotta help me out here. When’s the last time he did/said something nice to you? Something from that list of things you like?

I’m struggling with this…a LOT….

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:00pm
701: Senior Lady Vibe says:

@686: Starla says:
“SLV!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like i just spotted a unicorn..”

yep, unicorn = only “slightly horny.”

SLV
xoxo
Came back to pick up laptop, Running out the door

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:06pm
702: Simply Goddess says:

Haha.. Don’t worry I haven’t sent anything. It didn’t feel right to me but it was good to write down. It cheered me up a bit if anything.

Well no not the only communication he’ll let me have as such just that we’re working opposite shifts so the only time we would see each other face to face anyway is Friday, the day he plans to come for his stuff.

Last week. He really stepped up. He took me out all weekend. Came down, took me out in the week a few times. Held me close in bed. That’s why I was so confused on Fri when he stopped talking and seemed to get angry about me not having his child. Whether he’d been let down and sent the abuse my way I don’t know. Anyway, I think writing that out helped as I again don’t feel the urge to do anything again now. So thank you for that. It was good to get off my chest.
I know how you feel about him and I understand why. Everyone does. Maybe times likes these were I’m spewing on the blog instead of real life is really helping me either out of or on in the relationship. Time will tell.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:07pm
703: MissStix says:

My journey through forced triggering is coming to an end. I can feel it.

I trust me 100% completely to walk through anything. Any event, any trigger, with authenticity, grace, and honour of myself. I feel some tears. I want to hang onto this process, but it feels so cyclical now. I promised myself I would go round and round until it felt right. But I think what I missed is that it’s starting to feel wrong. It’s so time to let go. Everything in my body is screaming at me let go let go let go. I can see now that I am at another crossroads. Where forced triggers are becoming false problems.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:09pm
704: Laughing Goddess says:

I personally feel fine about sending it via FB.

I would leave this part out though as it seems ‘analyzing’ and kind of like a backhanded compliment.

I personally don’t believe I can ever lose by being positive as long as I don’t have an agenda.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:10pm
705: Laughing Goddess says:

This is the part I would leave out or edit…

“I like you because I know deep down you just want to be liked and loved and as much as you deny it you do care what others think. Too much.
I like that your an amazing Dad and just wants the best for xxx.
I like that your a good man. I just think you get so lost in controlling your life because you want to make everyone happy and you often end up making no-one happy.”

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:11pm
706: Simply Goddess says:

Haha.. Yeah I thought I was going a bit too far with that bit. It creeps in. He’s still a pig.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:14pm
707: Laughing Goddess says:

SG: I just saw where you said that you might not send it because just writing it down feels good…and I felt goosebumps, otherwise known as truth bumps.

This is a perfect of example of how what we do isn’t nearly as important as our ViBe!

Woot woot

When I have an intense argument with my guy, this is the first step that has to happen before we can get back to a sweet place. I have to open my heart.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:15pm
708: Laughing Goddess says:

When my heart is closed, it’s really hard for me to see any of his positive qualities and unable to respond to any emotional bids he is making towards me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:22pm
709: Simply Goddess says:

I know, I do have to say I’ve gone from being in tears and feeling the urge to text, to having a smile on my face and not feeling the urge to do anything any more just from writing that out.
Find it funny how quickly feelings can change.
I find that through the day as well. At times I’m fine and then suddenly I feel like my hearts really heavy.
I’ve been so different this time. Usually I won’t eat much. I’ll be focused on trying to sort things out. This time I’m not as much. I’m just working through things. I still feel anxious of course but also sometimes strong. It’s a mix but definately not as weak as before. For now anyway.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:22pm
710: Laughing Goddess says:

rockstar attitude

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 3:35pm
711: Goddess Lily says:

369-thank you Dominique!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:01pm
712: Dominique says:

MisStix – You are so welcome. And you know, there are no shoulds. I ask my clients to eliminate this word from their vocabulary. You are loving him as exactly as you need to in this moment, and this may change, and it may not. It’s all perfect for you. Right now.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:15pm
713: Annie says:

554: TY. Dominique.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:27pm
714: Dominique says:

You’re welcome Goddess Lily. I haven’t been chiming in much on your situation since you seem to be getting clear on it all, but I will say this, do not leave until you feel sure this is the right thing to do. Otherwise you will have doubts and maybe regrets.

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:29pm
715: Annie says:

It feels best to listen and watch and trust my gut now, and when unsure stop listening and watch.

Trouble with me is I so want to believe the lovely words and I sometimes ignore my instincts because I want to believe the best in people then when the actions don’t match I feel sad and angry at myself for ignoring my instinct.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:30pm
716: Annie says:

I’ve got that horrible shaky feeling of anxiety again.
I now it will pass, but I don’t like how it feels now.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:31pm
717: Dominique says:

Annie –

xxoo

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:32pm
718: Annie says:

SG: “Maybe we all manipulate sometimes though.”

I believe you are correct.
It is part of human development from about the age of 3 for most of us.
Theory of mind. ( Simon Baron Cohen)
It is designed to socially outsmart the other person to get what we want.People who are delayed in this or do not have it are autistic or have Aspergers.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:37pm
719: Annie says:

566: Mercedes says:

“BAB 557: Yup. That’s what I mean. What good is a final date for you to move on with your life if it’s not really a final date but only a “I think I might be able to push him to do it by July if I try hard enough” date?

I wish you could think of it like this:

“I am ready to move on from any relationship that is not moving down the path to marriage. I believe in my heart my relationship is not moving down that path. I love him and I want to be fair so I’m going to tell him how that feels. I love myself and I also want to be fair to me so I am going to find my own place in July after our lease is up. I love my dream to be married so if I am engaged by July I won’t be looking for my own place.”

That’s staying true to you, to him and to your dream. And yes…no expectations for how he will react. Only expectations for how YOU are going to move your own life foward. No bluffing. No agenda. No manipulation. No controlling the situation. Simply telling him and telling yourself honestly where the month of July is going to take you and allowing him the respect of your honesty so he can decide where the month of July is going to take him too.

Much Love,
Mercedes”

I feel curious about this.
I have been doing this the past year about things.
And have made it about me/ I have heard this called a reverse ultimatum. What do you think?

The people I have been saying this to do not like it one little bit and say I am being threatening and controlling when I do this. And they get very angry.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:43pm
720: Annie says:

I believe this is because up until then I was being manipulated and now I say things this way the other people are no longer able to manipulate me.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 5:45pm
721: Annie says:

Dominique xx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:04pm
722: Annie says:

Re independence marriage etc.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am independent or co dependent I want to be in a loving committed marriage where we are interdependent.

I would feel insecure. if I had children to not be married and interdependent.
I would want to know that me and my children were legally secure and marriage would make me feel secure around this.

Otherwise as Common law ‘wife’ me and my children would not have this security.

That would make me feel anxious and I want to feel peaceful.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:13pm
723: Tam says:

Hm. I have not sent MrP anything yet.
I don’t know if I will even bother, but part of me wants to let him know how I feel about the whole thing.

I had a surprise meeting tonight. SurferCD, the guy who has been unable to make plans. I realise it’s because he is a man who seems to be in feminine energy. He was very sweet. I felt totally good in his presence although I believe some people would find him strange, as he has a couple of strange mannerisms, facial expressions.
I feel surprised that things felt so nice because we clearly are completely different, he is ‘just’ a technician (I say this in the nicest possible way), who is not interested in any current affairs/politics or anything at all. He is also religious.
I am someone who likes intelligent conversations and an atheist. I wonder what threw us together.
He is 48 and has two grown up daugthers, looks much younger…hmmm…was married for over 20 years. Hmmm…totally unlike anyone I have ever been out with.
I quite like him actually.
He remembered exactly the day we met and everything down to the smallest detail. Kind of surprised me.
Hm.
Interesting.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:28pm
724: Tam says:

SurferCD was funny. He was already planning for kids..ha ha. He was kind of comparing our ages and saying ‘well, if we had a kid together, then I would be this age and you would be that age when we are bla bla’. It was kind of cute, because it seemed like he was seriously thinking about this, ha.
On the first date.
Didn’t feel weird though, just amusing.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:32pm
725: Tereana says:

Wow…two days at home, doing practically nothing has been exactly what I needed. And I got a ton of questions answered on the form I have to fill out for my book proposal. It feels so great!!!

It feels like my story is my “partner” for right now. Or at least a travel companion. A creation of myself that is myself that will go on to be its own entity…hm, sound like anything else perhaps??

I am pregnant with my own being. Birthing myself, as it were.

And during a birth process, you don’t really have time for “distractions.” you still need to get your basic needs met. But your immediate need is to produce the life that is coming through you.

This feels like the process I am in right now.

On the other side of it? We’ll see who’s there to receive me.

On the plus side, whoever is there will get to receive the REAL ME. Because that is what is going to come out of this. I promise you. I feel it, because it’s true…

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 6:52pm
726: LoveAlways says:

feeling stormy deep inside below my stomach in my back then up to my lungs
rocking myself side to side
feeling a throbbing void
a flicker of agony

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:09pm
727: LoveAlways says:

my skin feels so soft and smooth
still a siren taking good care of myself

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:12pm
728: LoveAlways says:

leaning back from HScd
leaned forward a bit today
seemed right
then once I spoke my peace
I leaned back
I’ve been comfortably leaning back ever since

life goes on

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:14pm
729: LoveAlways says:

I almost have no tears left
I feel somber and dry

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 7:36pm
730: LoveAlways says:

feeling less than self worth
loving this man
no matter what
where am I
feeling lost inside myself
lost in my heart
lost siren
drowning in my self debasement
exhale

i feel exhausted

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:10pm
731: LoveAlways says:

wow deep deep pit

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:11pm
732: Smile says:

I just woke up. I’m finding comfort reading the blog. It’s 5am.

I dreamt strummingman was telling me he just couldn’t have a relationship with me, even though he totally loves me, thinks I’m perfect and ‘his’ one!
I just let him leave. Why why why? I don’t understand. I want answers but I know that’s feels painful and I will prob never know.

I feel anxious.
(((my dream)))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 8:59pm
733: Daria says:

yay thank you Daria for taking care of me and asking for help and receiving it and getting my phone working lovely and fully

(((((Daria)))))

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:02pm
734: Daria says:

thank you for brushing my hair yesterday

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:02pm
735: Smile says:

For the first time in months I feel like I want to text him and tell him I miss him.
I’m crying.

Maybe I will…

Ive never leant forward in this way to share my feelings.

I really miss him

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:04pm
736: Smile says:

I’m not going to text. That’s why I’m on here. My tears have stopped flowing now but i feel overwhelmed with sadness.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:06pm
737: Smile says:

The urge to text him still hasnt gone.
If I text him “I miss you ” and it pushes him away I would be okay with that. Then I would see clearer that he can’t do relationship. I want him to know how I feel in this moment.
I’m also feeling sad because this time last year we were on the familyholiday he is on right now. Totally in love.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:15pm
738: Heart says:

Smile – (((hug)))
How long has it been?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:17pm
739: Smile says:

When he is around. It feels amazing. Last weekend when he cooked me it tea was perfect.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:17pm
740: Smile says:

He left 9 months ago, just as we moved intogether. Since then he’s been coming in and out of my life. I’ve just moved today out of the house we were suppose to live in together. I’m feeling raw.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:20pm
741: Smile says:

Tomorrow I know I will pick myself up out of my sadness. But tonight I just want to cry. I stopped myself last night. The house looked empty and bare.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:25pm
742: Smile says:

Ivegot to give the keys back tomorrow. I want my tears to have shed by then. I don’t want to cry on the rental man. He will realise strummingman isnt there. The company already know ive been living alone but the man really liked him and I don’t want him to ask what happened? Because the answer is I don’t know what happened 

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:28pm
743: Tereana says:

Mm, a good night of dance class. I feel better already. My cold is going away!

I do feel a bit weird that I haven’t heard from any of my CDs in a while. Not for a few days. Quite a drought! Lol. I guess they’ve been busy. Well, so have I…

It’s all I can do not to contact SYG.

Hey, wait. I just had a brilliant flash – the antidote! I know I’m not supposed to be really dating right now (according to me). But maybe it would help to notice all the guys (and girls, maybe??) who *are* noticing me.

Cool. I like that. That’s what cd-ing is about, right???

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:30pm
744: Miss Bells says:

#719

In a reverse ultimatum you say nothing. Just lean back farther and farther until you are either not in a relationship anymore OR they have claimed you.

The idea is that the “relationship talk” is their idea.

While you lean back you concentrate on yourself and your own desires, have fun, and improve yourself. You are happy and into your own passion. You LIVE YOUR LIFE.

If it is the right man he won’t let you disappear out of his life.

It actually takes some time because there are several stages, with just a little unavailability to start, and accelerating slowly if the man doesn’t step up.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:35pm
745: Tereana says:

I had a brilliant insight into my dating behavior tonight. I realized that subconsciously (even thought I don’t really believe this, in a conscious way), my dating is wrapped up with “getting approval.” if some guy likes me, and he expresses this in some way, then he “approves” of me.

And this ties in with something I thought if earlier. Guys used to ask me, with alarming regularity, whenever they started to have feelings for me, they would say, “what do you want from me?”

It was a disarming question, because I really didn’t have an answer. And that’s because they were already giving me what I wanted – acceptance, approval. It’s what we all want, right?

But that’s not the real desire. The real desire is to be SEEN, HEARD, EXPERIENCED. That, too, is a very basic need/desire. And it sounds a lot like getting approval. But it’s not. Approval is shallow, whereas being truly seen is deep. That is skin (approval) versus soul (being seen). I want someone to Know me, to acknowledge me – in a real way. That would feel so good. That’s what I am after that’s what I want.

Maybe I can notice ways and areas of my life in which I have it. Although, truthfully, I believe ive been hiding all my life. I’ve been hiding so that people *won’t* see me. But also, in hiding, I’ve wanted to be found…only maybe I hid too well. Lol

Being seen, acknowledgment, hiding…these are great growth areas for me to think about….

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:44pm
746: Daria says:

i feel tired

i feel guilty for the care i took of me

i want to feel appreciative

i want to feel open and loving

i feel more open and loving now

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 9:58pm
747: Laughing Goddess says:

Just had an impromptu living room dance party with mr man. I feel smily and ready for bed.

This was our inspiration

http://soundcloud.com/tracks/search?q%5Bfulltext%5D=%7EALIA%7E&q%5Btype%5D=&q%5Bduration%5D=

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:37pm
748: Daria says:

waaah i feel sad

this guy who sent me some texts i felt turned off with

like “you’re really doing this again d??” when i rescheduled at one point

and “you should realy treat people how u want to be treated” – this was after that same reschedul

i let him kno a day ahead of time, i didnt stand him up

well i felt turned off and didn’t “feel that we’d be a good match”

well now he just called and he was so nice and i shared w him how i felt and he’s like i dont remember sending those texts and

i feel so sad i told him ok as in i dont feel we’re a good match

awwww

oh i just remembered respect instead of compassion for him like he’s weak

spasm

(((((Daria)))))

voting for me

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:38pm
749: Daria says:

also the first time i dont even know if i rescheduled

i have a text from him saying “im running late but still coming” i dont think he confirmed since he was running late and he may just never have showed!

or else i called to cancel i dont know

eh okay

now i just got a text from him “can i ask you a final q”

well no!

i would like to say yes to see him but i dont want to

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:47pm
750: Daria says:

“:: Terrible Two’s & Rebellious Teens… NOT! ::

(Continued from yesterday — full text at
http://dailygroove.net/terrible-not )

Developmentally, toddlers and Teens have one thing
in common: they’re on the verge of a quantum leap in
personal autonomy. They’re on a mission to become
*themselves* — to get in touch with their Inner Power
more than ever before.

Anytime they feel imposed upon or coerced, that
mission is blocked, and they instinctively protest.
In nature-based, pleasure-oriented, partnership
cultures, such protests are rarely triggered, so
terrible two’s and teen rebellions rarely occur.

But in our anti-nature, control-oriented culture,
parents are expected (if not required *by law*) to
oppose or control children’s natural developmental
impulses toward personal empowerment, which
guarantees the terribles!

The shift from terrible to terrific begins with your
commitment to creative partnership. Then, whenever
your child exhibits “terrible” behavior, you can
re-interpret it as evidence of his or her unfolding
autonomy, and ask yourself this:

“How can I use my creativity
to support my child’s growth
in a way that works for ALL of us?”"

Scott Noelle

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 10:53pm
751: Daria says:

then theres surfer CD

he got me to agree to a date on friday, but

today when he talked to me he sounded drunk

like… ‘disjointed’

and i felt kinda confused and weird

and i feel guilty cuz he told me he had health problems as a kid

hmm

i dont like guys calling me drunk

he doesnt know that

it just felt kinda like a turn off, like i felt just confused and weirded out

i feel like running away

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:00pm
752: Janie Baby says:

Hey ladies. Today was not a good day I feel bad bringing my negativity into the post. I mean I felt good tonight being silly with friends, but when I came home into my apartment I felt very lonely and powerless.
I don’t know what to do in my situation.
So my boyfriend (not maybe ex boyfriend) we have this on – off thing going on because as I said before, we were in an amazing relationship (first love) I never questioned anything best friends for almost 2 years and the past few months he’s been acting distant and didn’tw ant to hang out as much because he got two more jobs. I was doing Rori tools and things were getting better, but I snapped today. Yesterday he told me he would be on campus to study and that he’d call me to meet up and he said he wished I called him more. This morning I texted him to say to come at 11 and have reakfast with me. NO REPLY. Then already 2 pm I lost control and called him twice, saw he ignored my call. Finally I called again, and he answered very angrily and said I’m studying I’ll call you in a sec. No call, I call again and again and finally I crack and I’m sobbing on the lawn in public. And I just tell hiim on the phone it’s over and he always flakes on me and is a bad boyfriend (NOT Sireny ) Ick, I feel bad just thinking about it. Then he says he doesnt have time for my shit this week because he has midterms and his family is coming at the end of this week, so I tell him if he can’t deal with “my shit” (his words), I’m done. And he said okay and then I started sobbing and kept calling him, but he said he was already on the bus to go to work. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to be done.
I texted “I want someone whos just in love with me as I am with them. I don’t want to be forcing my boyfriend tow ant to see me. I want a boyfriend who will be nice to me when I cry, someone who is not an enemy. you used to be that someone for me but somewhere along the line, something changed and it wasnt the same. we don’t laugh anymore, i dont feel emotionally safe, i feel unloved, its not even that i dont want a relatoinship with you,we just dont have one. I could do a fling with another guy but we were best friends and it hurts to do that with you. i just cant. i want to be alone and when i find someone who will be my best friend and be kind ot me when i cry, i’ll be their girlfriend. sorry. we were good before but now im always sad about us, and thats unfair to both of us”
he said “You sure then?”
and then he texted “I want someone who is there for me, who understands me, who makes me feel like I never knew I could. The week I have midterms and a death in my family,so severe that my parents are coming up, and my gf cant hold her own?”

(I felt bad about this but did not know and kind of felt like he was trying to manipultae me”
I texted
“Im so sorry about the death,i did not know about this. ill be there for you as a friend if you need me, ill always love you. and yeah I agree, I feel you deserve someone that you feel deep love for. xoxo call me later if you need to talk”

advice? feedback? what do I do when he calls? I KNOW HE WILL. I’m good at feeling messages in text,but i’m bad in person. i get emoitonal and angry.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:22pm
753: Simply Goddess says:

Telling myself to: Be strong, Be strong, Be strong..

Have a good day ladies xxx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:49pm
754: Janie Baby says:

SG : you’re soo pretty ! xxx

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:51pm
755: Tereana says:

(((Smile)))

SG – I *loved* your description of all the things you love about your guy! It was so pure and raw, and I felt like I could really see him through your eyes. You made him look so cute : )

Starla – you wrote something cool that I liked. It was the one that started with the screeching bus tires. It was good : )

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 @ 11:58pm
756: Tereana says:

I figured out a solution to my “leaning-forward” urge. Instead of tamping it down, I just let it all out! Play the numbers game, kind of. “like a guy,” a la EMK.

Instead of leaning forward to just one guy, I texted three! Lol. So I got a response from one. And that was cute. And I feel liked. I can forget about the others : )

And I’m sure glad I didn’t invite SYG to watch my dance class tonight. I was all sick and tired (literally). And I would have felt so bummed if he’d said no. I decided not to open myself up to that and just enjoy it by myself, as usual. I wonder why he never comes, though. It’s right near his house…*sigh* who knows….

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 12:04am
757: Smile says:

Thanks for the hug terena. Much needed.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 12:29am
758: Smile says:

Jamie baby, have you read roris ebook ?
I can also recommend christian carters.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 12:30am
759: Daria says:

I love u Daria

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 1:18am
760: Smile says:

In fact, learning to love NON-CLOSURE is where your healing and happiness is.

You don’t even have to ‘let go’! Just let your energy keep moving you forward.

Thanks rori 

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 1:33am
761: Butterfly wings says:

Heading home now after drinks with NWG. I feel attracted to him. VERY. But it could just me trying to shift my focus off TH.

I’m not going to let anything happen with NWG as much as I’d like to. He’s so nice!

I just saw that another guy I used to work with and who I had a bit of a fling (no sex) with just arrived at the pub I just left.

I think that has happened for a reason – I’d probably let that guy take advantage of me in this mood! Lol

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 1:41am
762: Annie says:

750: Daria.

I feel curious.
What concrete workable solutions/ actions are recommended when an issue comes up where you want your child to do one thing and they don’t want to.
Like get in the car because you have to be somewhere for instance? And they just plain don’t want to.
Get out of bed because they have to be at school/ work.
Get dressed, etc.
Basically the normal demands of every day life that we all have to do.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 2:10am
763: Annie says:

I feel exasperated reading ” basically when I listened to my two year old.”

I don’t know any two year olds who have adult reasoning or articulation.

From reading that article it appears to be vague to me.
And on an intellectual level all very lovely and ideal pc.
On a realistic and practical level I feel confused to what is actually recommended.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 2:18am
764: Smile says:

I feel exhausted

I feel emotional

My eyes feel like they’re closed

I feel a mess

Such sadness and tears flowing from this body

I love my hormones!!!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 2:25am
765: Annie says:

Miss Bells.

Re reverse ultimatum.

I believed a reverse ultimatum was where we stated our boundaries and made it about us. Not say nothing.

For eg.
If we felt jealous re our man speaking to and still being involved with ex etc.
Instead of complaining and saying something like ” why are you speaking to her again what does she want, she is your ex blah blah blah and focusing on the mans behavior.
It would be, I feel jealous when you speak to your ex and I don’t want to feel like that. You are absolutely entitled to speak to who you want and live your life however you chose, but if this is something you want to continue doing It is not something I want in my life and it doesn’t feel like we are a good match.
What do you think?

He will then either pull you back in and step up, or continue to do what you don’t want in which case if it is a deal breaker we walk.

And we say this in a calm matter of fact way with no investment in the outcome as we are confident that the right man for us will want.. to give us what we want. And that is why cding is the answer not investing our time or enegy love in anyone man until the right man comes along and offers us what we want. This way we get to choose the right man for us.

That was my take on Reverse ultimatum.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 2:36am
766: Tam says:

((((Smile)))) – cup of tea, nice book…a movie?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 4:04am
767: Tam says:

I am feeling intrigued by a guy who looks like a Surfer kiddo, has two grown up kids, been married for over two decades, strange face mannerisms and reads the bible…and has no idea about the culture I am from, or even a knowledge other than that it’s ‘on the other sidde of the Atlantic’ – OMG. This feels a little scary.
Sometimes I wonder where all these men come from. It feels strange but also very amusing.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 4:13am
768: Simply Goddess says:

I know.. He’s not all bad an that’s why I’m struggling so much. If I wa more of a siren maybe he’d change as well. What if we I have some part to play as well.

He’s going looking t a flat today. I’m so tempted to text and say something. I honestly feel of he gets the flat today itll make me feel so bad. I hope he doesn’t. I dot know what to say. Any help? xx

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 4:13am
769: Silver Moonbeam says:

#683 SLV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HTH are you??? I have only just got back to the blog after quite a big break, though not 6 months!

Well done on the 5lb loss.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 4:13am
770: Finding Me says:

I feel sad.

I feel disconnected.

I feel like I will never truly love again.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 4:25am
771: Simply Goddess says:

I text saying ‘good luck today, I feel sad we’re not doing it together’

He’s going viewing a flat he responded saying

‘you made the choices uv made. U was made aware of what was happening. it’s perfect, just need to start looking for furniture now’

So he’s got himself a flat.

Then ‘I feel sad when my girlfriend goes out with her mates an I have to juggle work and a kid!’

Ahhh I feel so so sad.. Help

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 4:39am
772: ruth says:

Simply Goddess
Reading that makes me feel so angry and uncomfortable.His words feel so, so cruel to me

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:15am
773: Simply Goddess says:

Feels cruel to me too..

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:23am
774: ruth says:

((((((((((((SG)))))))))))))))))))))

can you do something nice for yourself right now

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:28am
775: Femininewoman says:

SG in my humble opinion it seems to me he is telling you that the reason he wanted to be with you was to have a live in mother for his child – that’s what he needs. There is a strong possibility that when the child grows up he would move on, after having grown bored of convincing you to stay with him. If I were you I would decide if I want to be in a romantic relationship or just be in a relationship of convenience.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:38am
776: Femininewoman says:

Hi Finding Me. Have you been posting before?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:39am
777: Simply Goddess says:

I’m in work.. Feel like fm aren’t working for me..

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:40am
778: Tam says:

Regarding having no expectations…at one point I kinda stopped expecting anything, not just from CD’s or MrP or a man in my life.
I stopped expecting anything from my family and friends also.
Although it does feel good to ‘be surprised’ by people, I generally think a little of that is a fear of being disappointed.
It actually feels sad to tell myself ‘don’t expect anything’, when I am in happy anticipation of something.
For example, we were supposed to go for a happy hour tonight, the girls. Then they started talking about a date change to tomorrow, which I can’t do. And now I did not hear. And believe it or not, I was so looking fwd to the girls night out and now I just told myself not to expect that it is happening and not to expect they kept it to today ‘because of me’.
This feels sad.
It would feel good to expect that they want me there and want to respect my schedule.
I have trouble with the ‘no expectations’ thing.
Never to expect anything – is that really feasible, or is that not to a large part resignation?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:40am
779: Femininewoman says:

but if this is something you want to continue doing It is not something I want in my life and it doesn’t feel like we are a good match.

Annie this sounds like focussing on his behavior and an ultimatum to me.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:44am
780: Annie says:

768: Simply Goddess says:

“I know.. He’s not all bad an that’s why I’m struggling so much. If I wa more of a siren maybe he’d change as well. What if we I have some part to play as well.

He’s going looking t a flat today. I’m so tempted to text and say something. I honestly feel of he gets the flat today itll make me feel so bad. I hope he doesn’t. I dot know what to say. Any help? xx”

Nobody is all bad, its if any of the bad stuff is a deal breaker.
Are you able to live with and accept the bad he does?
If not you walk away and if he is for you he will be inspired and be motivated to change himself to keep you.

If you lean forward that is taking the lead masculine energy.
Do you want to be the man and leader?
Or do you want to the girl and follow?

What do you want.
Is what he has done re ‘bad behavior’ the bad stuff something you are willing to accept and put up with.
Or is it a deal breaker?

Only you know what you want
And what you are able to tolerate and accept and what is a dealbreaker.

Hugs.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:49am
781: Femininewoman says:

Tam – context is important. No expectations of a man lowers your risk of disappointment. Having high expectations of oneself could empower you to achieve your goals. Even in a relationship it could empower a good man to put his best foot forward. The thing is our expectations are many times unrealistic.

Another thing I was wondering about some of the things you write is if you unconsciously transfer expectations of your father from your little girl to men you date? I wonder about that with regard to the older men you consider. I am not suggesting that is the case, just that it crossed my mind reading some of your comments above.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:50am
782: Annie says:

777.

Feeling messages only work if we then take appropriate loving action to take 100% responsibility for our own feelings.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:53am
783: Linda says:

Mercedes, Dominique , Mel

Your insites are appreciated. I am very settled in what I want. I know what I need as well. I have ignored my gut before and that led to drama and things that were not good for me. I do not know about this particular man… his temprament, violence is not something that I considered but will keep that in mind.

Mel…I considered what you said … always good to do a deeper self check. I am not closed to receiving. I am not afraid of intimacy. I want that again in my life.

This simply came down to something was off.. little things under the gifts. Comments he made that caught my attention. He voluntarily sent me a picture of himself at work and then commented that he was worried that he had scared me off. His text did not have a question.. I did not feel a need to respond to it. He brought it up, wanted to know why I did not thank him for the picture hmmmm… I had to change our intial meet and greet time because of my daughters birthday preperations … he referred to me standing him up. hmmmmm He randomly out of the blue sent a text that said he loved to work in the yard, . We were not even having a conversation about it…. I guess I felt smothered and pre-stalked.

Things were just off and since I had absolutely no physical attraction for him whatsoever , it was toooo much and felt pushy and invasive and ICK….

His little note to me yesterday (which I did not respond to… was an attempt to make me feel bad I guess. I dont wanna be with a man I dont wanna be with.

I have grown so much. Just not gonna get off balance, pay attention to my inner voice and be happy.

Hugs to you ladies thanks for your support
eitherIt was simply that becasue I was not physically attracted to him

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 5:54am
784: Femininewoman says:

Janie Baby – i get emoitonal and angry

If you already know this about yourself then address it before he calls. Ask yourself “why am I angry”? and see what comes up for you. I feel somewhat in agreement with him that his girlfriend should be able to hold her own. If a person can hardly hold their own how can they do that with someone else? I would try to put myself in his shoe and see if I could see things from his perspective. His words seem to be putting a lot of responsibility on you but it might help you to be more balanced seeing his side.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:03am
785: Annie says:

Feminine Woman.

Re dealbreaker, jealousy, other women.

Rori says.

“Many, many men have female friends they don’t want to lose — friends YOU will have to become friends with or at least tolerate HIM being friends with. This means lunches, dinners…all kinds of things he might not want to give up.

Most men would get that this isn’t going to work when they’re in a romantic, serious relationship. Most men get that women are jealous and will not tolerate another woman around their man.

And yet, there are plenty of men who don’t know this, don’t care to know this, and if they did know it (when you tell them) — they will accuse you of being insecure, jealous, and having low self-esteem.

And some men just don’t want to be told what to do.

Here’s my take — we’re all different, and some of us can handle a bunch of other women in our man’s life, and most of us can’t. Or at least — don’t WANT to.

And, you know — that’s enough to say NO to a man. Some things are dealbreakers.

If it’s one for you (as it was for me when I got serious with my husband) — you have to catch it early, you have to share with him that this won’t work for you and is a dealbreaker, and then simply not invest yourself in this man.”

I feel the same as Rori and it is a deal breaker for me.
It’s not for some women.
It is for me.
So I would feel the need to share this and walk away if he wanted to continue having other women friends in his life.

His choice is he gets me. Or to have lots of women friends but he can’t have both.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:16am
786: Femininewoman says:

The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats. ”

― Theodore Roosevelt

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:18am
787: Simply Goddess says:

I feel so lost on what to do.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:20am
788: Simply Goddess says:

I feel angry. Really angry

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:24am
789: Tam says:

781 FW, could be, I never really looked into that.
I have been dating older men, but around the 10-12 year mark mainly, it seems that’s what comes to me rather than me looking for it..they are often out of their first marriage at that age and are looking again (that was my way of explaining it..not sure it is really the case?)

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:25am
790: Tam says:

oh and SurferCD…I actually believed he was my age…and I thought ‘here we go!!!’ Someone my age!! Ha!! Turns out he just looks young :/

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:26am
791: Femininewoman says:

Tam do you have a belief that men your age are all married?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:28am
792: Tam says:

No, not a belief, just that the ones I meet – are married or in relationships.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:35am
793: Femininewoman says:

Well Tam have you ever truly wondered if there are some good men out there you age that are single? I would wonder deeply about that to help my brain send signals to my eyes to be on the lookout and look for ways that attract these guys towards me. One just never know.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:46am
794: Tam says:

793, yes, good point, well I am pretty much open to anything and anyone right now..

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 6:53am
795: Annie says:

SG, do you want to be a for now girlfriend who looks after boyfriends children?

Or are you wanting to be a wife.

That sounds something like a wife and step mum does to me.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:06am
796: Annie says:

And do you want to be married to a man who calls you a biaaatccch and your mum a cuuuuuunt?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:06am
797: Mercedes says:

Annie re 719 – I think people get angry when you speak like this because they can no longer control you. When you state how you feel, what you want and what you are going to do (and then you do it), it makes others uncomfortable. I used to do a lot of this with J and he hated it but…it also brought us closer together. I just did…I lived my life and I leaned way back during a few different periods of our time together. I had to because I was feeling frustrated and upset. I decided it was crazy for me to feel like that over something HE did when in reality, HE is not responsible for MY happiness, I am. So…I started telling him exactly how I felt, what I wanted and what I was going to do to get it…and I DID that. He was angry sometimes but…to reverse that, I’m not responsible for HIS happiness either. What honestly made him happy was to be with me, so…he stepped up and now we’re virtually joined at the hip during our free time. Now we’re both happy and we don’t make the other upset or feel guilty over silly stuff. Now, we tune in to each other’s needs and wants BEFORE it reaches that point of having to sort of lay it all out there like that. It’s been YEARS since I’ve had to say those kinds of things to him but when I did, yes…it made him uncomfortable.

SG: This man really likes to control you and you have to decide if you’re okay with that. He doesn’t want you going out with your friends because HE has a child??? That makes no sense. If he’s trying to “keep” you home now, please keep in mind that just like the disrespectful language and the manipulation, it will only get worse. If that’s what you want, then you’ll have to learn to put up with it. As far as “what do you do?”, nothing. This is a guy who likes to control and tell YOU what to do. If you want to be with him, you’re going to have to let him do just that. You do nothing until he tells you what he wants and then you do that. This is absolutely NOT the kind of relationship I ever want to see any woman in, but it appears you want him bad enough to forgive his faults. If that is the case, then he will tell you what to do sooner or later and you can then do that. You are desperate for him not to find a place without you. If you want to find that place with him, then do what he told you to do in the past. Offer to pay half, offer to drive long distance to work and offer to care for his child on the weekends. THAT will get you a place with him. If that works for you and all that good stuff you talked about outweighs the fact that you will be giving him your money, losing your friends, staying home all the time to care for a child who isn’t yours, sit quietly and take the name calling and steady yourself for more control as time goes on, then do nothing except tell him you are sorry and you want him back. Seriously, this guy is not going to be with you if you are going to be strong. That’s not attractive to him. He needs a doormat. If you want to be that doormat then let him know. If you don’t, then find yourself a date and get his stuff boxed up so you can hand it to him quickly when he comes to get it and he can leave right away.

I’m sorry…I don’t know what else to tell you. He’s putting all of this on YOU and until you agree that you are the reason everything fell apart then you have zero chance at having him in your life.

Tough love I guess but I don’t know what else to say on this.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:25am
798: Laughing Goddess says:

SG: It sounds like the childcare issue really needs to be ironed out. Sounds like you are both carrying a lot of pain and frustration around the topic.

From what I understand, you two had a great feeling week last week but then as the weekend approached things got rough and communications failed or went haywire.

Maybe you could write a script about your concerns around this issue?

Have you responded to his last text yet?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:31am
799: Simply Goddess says:

No, I’ve said time an time again itd feel good movin in as a couple if we look, decide, view together etc.. If I felt involved and not like I can just ‘come along’.. Esp seen as I’m off next wk.. That is makin a girl feel respected, loved.. Not a housemate..

“Dnt start tha bollox… Ur the one who decides ya can never help me when i need ya… But always go out surprise surprise… Then change ya fb to single an go on about arrangin ya ibiza tha ya obviously had planned…. An now i know y ya ‘savin’ like ya say…. So dnt go on to me like u ain’t ad no opportunity… Cos yav made it this way…. It all started wid u… Remember not me x”

I know I’m just getting angry now and prob not doing the right thing.. I feel so pi ssed

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:36am
800: Mercedes says:

SG: There’s nothing to do. He’s baiting you. Box up his stuff for him and ignore his texts. And maybe go out with your friends or find a date or date yourself…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:42am
801: Starla says:

I went to belly dance last night and did my dishes and some beauty rituals:)

and i cooked myself a japanese sweet potato for dinner.

i felt so good after belly dance class. i always do! I am going to start going to belly dance more nights a week starting next month:)

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:53am
802: Laughing Goddess says:

Guidelines For Posting

Hi all – If you’re new here and not sure how commenting here works, and how to best participate in and USE the community we have here – here are some guidelines:

What’s so special about this community on this blog is that we’re a safe place…

We’re a laboratory. A place to practice Tools, to share our secrets, to be raw and vulnerable, and to learn to trust ourselves and one another in an emotionally safe, anonymous environment.

To keep it safe in this way, I monitor it as best I can, and want to respond quickly if you let me know something has suddenly become heated, gone off the guidelines, and become unsafe. (Sometimes we have a man join us, and if he seems thoughtful and caring, I let him through. And – the moment any woman becomes uncomfortable with his presence – he’s gone.)

The language of the blog is Feeling Messages

The safety and wonderfulness of the blog is based on and depends upon focusing on speaking in Feeling Messages, in our rawness, vulnerability and poetry rather than description, advice, opinions and reporting.

If you’re not sure what I mean by Feeling Messages – start with my ebook Have The Relationship You Want (click on the book photo over in the right sidebar), and then read everything you can here – especially the comments.

And everyone here will help you with this!

We LOVE helping rephrase words, speeches and scripts – (and to avoid giving advice, we’ve found that the best way to do it is to say it how we would say it, not how we think someone else should say it).

Since I’m the only “boy” on the blog, I get to suggest!

(And I’d like to discourage suggesting from anyone else who isn’t a coach.)

“Suggesting” is forbidden in the 4 Rules to use with men, and so I ask you to try to avoid it here, too. I know you have fabulous ideas – and I’d love it if you’d express them as how it’d work for you, rather than as how you think someone else should do it.

If you’re not sure how to post your ideas and share your thoughts and feelings, simply start by STOPPING giving “opinions.”

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:54am
803: Laughing Goddess says:

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/guidelines-for-posting/

I feel disturbed because it seems like these are being majorly disregarded at the moment.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:55am
804: ruth says:

Well said Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:56am
805: Laughing Goddess says:

Yay Starla!

I really really want to start taking dance classes.

I feel inspired.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:56am
806: Starla says:

Oh and then I woke up and made myself breakfast:)

Taking nice care of me:)

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 7:58am
807: Laughing Goddess says:

I feel so disturbed.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:02am
808: Laughing Goddess says:

thank you for the triggers

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:04am
809: Daria says:

Annie – id search for ‘mindful parenting’ or ‘respectful parenting’ or ‘child – led parenting’ and see what comes up to read.

Warning : it’s not likely to be something easy that takes all responsibility of connection or respect off the parent and puts it onto the child, assuming they ‘should’ ‘obey’ like little slaves just because the parent or some kinda rule or society norm says they should.

it is rather like dealing with men, respect and communication is everything, what we think they ‘should’ do no matter how anxious we get, is not

It can bring one to find they prefer quite a different lifestyle than they thought.

This style of parenting works really well with my little girl to build up her self esteem and her trust in me. And get her healing from the times she was told what she can’t or should do, how she could express herself etc

Oh! I bet if someone applied this to their relationship with their little girl first, it would more naturally inspire this way of relating w people outside the self

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:04am
810: Starla says:

i feel out of the loop and nosy and i want to know what’s going on here, lol, but without reading 800 comments…

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:05am
811: Laughing Goddess says:

SG: Here’s some Rori advice on how to deal with anger

I want you to learn something new – to:

1. Catch what you’re feeling.

2. Say out loud – to yourself – to the mirror, to your journal – what you feel in words.

3. Realize that underneath the feeling you speak are more feelings – under anger is pain, and fear, and guilt…

4. Know that those feelings will always be there, that they morph, and revolve – and that you cannot always resolve everything that ever caused you trauma and pain, and you cannot always make sense of everything that happens in your life.

5. Know that the important thing is what you DO with those feelings.

6. The most important thing is to not allow them to RUN you – but allow them to speak to you.

7. And then – turn your attention, your focus, your energy on the good and pleasant and pleasurable feelings that are inside you, too – right next to the ugly and terrifying ones!

Right next to guilt is forgiveness. Right next to fear is bliss. Right next to rage is your funny bone.

There’s no end to how you can move from feeling bad to feeling good WITHOUT having to RELEASE all the pent-up energy into the world, and onto other people.

You can do it all just by following these baby-steps – and being vigilant about it.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/exploding-anger-and-how-to-deal-with-getting-triggered/

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:22am
812: BAB says:

Feeling tired and abused after last nights sleeplessness.
All my questioning yesterday definitely triggered my masculine energy and brought all my focus onto what he’s thinking, doing and feeling, leaving me feeling restless unwanted and confused..
I kept trying to bring myself back and even tried praising myself and soothing but it still did nothing.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:23am
813: Tam says:

Ladies, I feel happy and elated, like I just let go of a huge pile of ballast and my ship is sailing at double-speed.
I sent a very open letter to MrP, about how I felt regarding his email. I got it all out, very authentic and open and very vulnerable.
I said that I would not meet him tonight as it would feel icky to me after the email and I do not want to be chasing and getting taxis to meet men downtown without firm arrangements in place.
At the end, I said I would feel totally accepting if our friendship/story would end right here, even if there was no more face to face meeting.
It feels so good to have ‘closure’ without having closure. It feels good not to insist on keeping a friendship going that may have outlived its usefulness for me, I do not want harsh words.
I feel really good about that.
Oh I am really very proud of myself.
And even prouder of keeping my boundaries, sure I’d love to see him, but my boundaries are really more important, even than the friendship – and it does not pain me at all to insist on them anymore.
Oooooh, this feels good.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:29am
814: Mercedes says:

Ruth – RE 804 – Thank you! I appreciate that very much.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:30am
815: Daria says:

Annie – more

One thing I’m sure the searches will bring up in this q…

Is to find out ‘why’ she doesn’t want to get in the car. I agree, 2 year olds don’t have adult reasoning and articulation – so the parent has to be very aware and open to find out what the issue is. Then find creative solutions for it, and prepare in the future. The child’s needs may not look like an adults, but to her as a person they are just as important! And respect means taking her needs w as much consideration as one would an adult.

One way is to imagine how one would like to be treated (in order to get perspective). Would you like if your husband demanded you get in the car at a time when you may be feeling: tired? Upset about something else? Uncomfortable in your clothes? Going somewhere you don’t like? Etc

Ho would you feel if they didn’t ask why or seem to consider that you don’t want to do that, and instead hit, bullied, or coerced you?

Would it feel better if he took the time to ask what you were feeling, share compassion, and seemed to actively and sincerely be working for a solution for you to be happy?

The children have less power than adults, but they feel just as much. These experiences set the tone for their emotional
life, so having a relationship at this time where they feel heard and respected is healthy for them for their whole life.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:30am
816: Laughing Goddess says:

Reading posts about anger and saw this which felt interesting

He is just being who he’s being – and if you’re going to feel angry about it, and participate in “arguments” – we will get nowhere.

Your anger and expectations are yours to resolve and not push out on him. If you want this thing to work, you have to:

1. Accept him 100%

2. Stick to the 4 Rules in my ebook

3. Use only feeling messages that very carefully do not say he ever, ever did anything wrong.

4. Be open and warm, even if you feel upset inside – or remove yourself until you can get your feelings straight and feel peaceful and accepting and calm.

5. Change your attitude about him 180 degrees – you say many times here that you don’t like the way he handles things: “I feel that is selfish, ridiculous and a waste of precious time.”

Where you say in your letter: “It’s not as if these disagreements are major either…”

This is YOU being JUDGMENTAL!!!!

You can’t change him, or make him wrong, or even INWARDLY hold these judgmental feelings.

He will not open up and want to be with you and make you happy and do what he knows makes you happy until he feels SAFE, and totally accepted, and RESPECTED.

This is your work to do…and I KNOW you can do it!!!!

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/commitment/is-your-anger-the-problem-and-not-his-issues-at-all/

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:33am
817: Tam says:

OMG, this anger post makes me feel even better now….I am such a Siren…for a change

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:38am
818: ruth says:

LG

those are extremely helpful links
Thank you

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:44am
819: Mercedes says:

I agree with this totally and completely:

“You can’t change him, or make him wrong, or even INWARDLY hold these judgmental feelings.

He will not open up and want to be with you and make you happy and do what he knows makes you happy until he feels SAFE, and totally accepted, and RESPECTED.”

We either accept our men exactly the way they are with no desire to change them or we move on. We can always work on ourselves but that should only be with the agenda of making ourselves better. If a man changes and grows in a good way because of seeing us change and grow in a good way, that is awesome. If he doesn’t though…it shouldn’t matter because we need to love, accept and respect them just the way they are right now with zero intent do change them.

Yup!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:44am
820: Tam says:

…maybe CDing does work in the end.
I do feel rather special at the moment.
I had three separate men tell me that it was nearly impossible to find women like me…that feels nice to hear, like I am the prize.
Not yet have I had a first date with a guy who didn’t also want and arrange a second date. I am sure it will happen, just hasn’t happened yet.
I feel intrigued by this.
I really feel with all that ‘evidence’ that I am the yummy pie (which of course I knew anyway), it is so much easier to let go of those who make me feel ‘less than’….so so easy now.
I can just say: ‘goodbye’.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:44am
821: BAB says:

816- thank you for posting that!!!!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:44am
822: Tam says:

I even feel compassion for the angry man email I received. I want to say ‘awww, he is angry, I am so sorry about that, but it isn’t about me, so I choose not to lash out and get angry and do the same thing’.

I chose to understand..and opt out.

Yuppi!!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:46am
823: Laughing Goddess says:

More about anger

That’s because anger is such a powerful feeling (let’s face it, in the grip of rage, we feel like we want to kill someone. To push him off a cliff or smash him in two. Own up to any such impulse. Pretend you’re an actress and you have to find the power in your anger in order to get your much-deserved Academy Award for your “raw” and “authentic” presence in your own life…) — it’s SO powerful, we’re actually afraid we might DO something like that – kill him and wipe out half the planet doing it.

And you won’t. I know you won’t. You’re just too fabulous a woman to bother doing that.

So, now you have to accept, look at, embrace the guilt and the fear, too.

And, if you’re doing this right, you’ll also uncover grief. It may be so intense you blank out and go numb for a moment…so when you touch it, even for a split-second – give yourself a “high-five.”

Okay…first step accomplished.

Now…what are you going to DO with all that emotion?

Are you going to cut loose and wail at a man? Are you going to demand he change, now, or buddy, you’re out the door?

Are you going to go the “spiritual route” and play nice? Get all understanding and compassionate and neutral and try to have a reasonable discussion?

Or are you going to just stuff it down for another day and go about your business?

Here’s where the art of being you works so brilliantly…

1. If you’re by yourself and in your own home where you can feel all private and safe, that’s terrific. You can jump up and down, you can punch the air with your face, you can lay down on the floor and start breathing into all that anger and grief and guilt and everything else you feel until you get so bored you want to turn on the TV and watch something stupid — or even better one a get out and take a nice walk in the neighborhood and look at and kiss some beautiful trees.

You can pet yourself and hug yourself and make yourself some tea and allow yourself to giggle over all this intensity you’re feeling or allow yourself to cry over everything you’re feeling, and shake a bit – and then you may feel like doing something like dance around the room…

2. But most likely you’re out in public. You’re sitting across from a man in a restaurant. You’re walking with him from the car. You’re stuck in the car with him. You’re in his house or your house and all of a sudden you feel the intensity of how deeply he is ignoring you, dismissing you, not interested in you, or just plain mean.

Well, you first have to do the first part of this which is to figure out a way, logistically, to feel what you’re feeling — especially your anger.

This usually means you have to get up and go to the ladies room. Or you have to turn around and walk back to the car or you have to stop talking and turn your face away from him while you’re walking. You have to sit at the table with your head in your hands blocking out everything and simply tuning in to what’s going on with you and asking yourself questions that you need to ask.

I prefer the bathroom, but I have learned to just sit there feeling my face turn red and my body want to fight or flee, with my face in my hand, in total silence, and process through these questions and my feelings amazingly quickly.

So I know that you can too.

3. Now, here comes the “action” part. What you DO if you’re out in public or he’s right in front of you in your kitchen.

I’m going to have to write a lot of posts about this because there are so many pieces to this, but let’s start here.

If the first part is about “processing” through your feelings, then the second part is how you express that to him.

And to make things simple here again to give you just two options:

1. You speak the truth in Feeling Messages — you sayI. (If you have not finished processing through the truth might be I feel confused, or I feel uncomfortable, or something else that expresses how you feel in a way that makes you feel like you’ve really expressed yourself (without, of course, talking about him or making him wrong).

2. If you’ve done this more than a few times with a man, if you’ve had to express the same thing to him over and over (for instance, he’s asked you not to do something so that he can do it for you himself, only he hasn’t taken the time to do it and you’re finding yourself waiting… or he’s dismissed your feelings and you’ve told him many times how bad you feel when that happens) — then you WALK AWAY.

Simple… you just turn around and go in the other direction.

You go find the ladies room in a public place, or you go home in a taxi or your own car, or you take yourself to a bedroom and close the door. You can say This feels bad and I don’t want to feel this, and then walk away, or you can say I don’t want to do this right now and walk away or you can just say I want to go home and walk away, or you can even just turn and walk into the kitchen and not say anything.

What ever you do — you have to feel this:

You have to feel as though you have HONORED your anger.

This doesn’t mean you have to feel like you hurt him, or a person at work or another circumstance who has hurt you. It doesn’t mean you have to do damage. It doesn’t mean you have to have revenge. It doesn’t mean you have to have some kind of physical or emotional effect on him. It does not mean you have to have a result of any kind.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/emotional-and-physical-abuse/

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:48am
824: Annie says:

Daria.
Re reality is children two year olds have no concept of time.
So do not understand that parents have to be somewhere at certain times etc.
And when you have more than one child with many different demands, it is not realistic or possible to put all the individual needs of each child first.
So sometimes yes a child have to be put in car like it or not.
Otherwise parents would lose their job, be late for important appointment, have no food in the house, the list could go on and on really.

Don’t want to go to bed etc because they are overtired and overstimulated and do not realise or understand that they are overtired. A loving adult realises this and gets the child in bed and does not let the already over child stay up playing getting more and more stimulated because
the child says no bed I want to play.
Young children have no concept of what is best for them.

Do not want to eat healthy food because they prefer biscuits sweets etc.

Just because they want something doesn’t mean they can have it. Or it is in their higher good to have it.

young teenagers may want to smoke in my house have their girlfriends boyfriends stay and sleep together.
Stay out till midnight, when they have school the next day.
Doesn’t mean as a parent I give into what they want and their tantrums to get what they want have no boundaries around it. As a loving parent I do my best to keep them safe and what is in their best interest.
Or the families best interest as a whole.

If it were my husband totally different scenario as I am an adult women with adult reasoning, not a child.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 8:58am
825: ruth says:

823
whoooo

tears

Not sure why

this feels powerful to read

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:00am
826: Annie says:

797: Mercedes says:

“Annie re 719 – I think people get angry when you speak like this because they can no longer control you. When you state how you feel, what you want and what you are going to do (and then you do it), it makes others uncomfortable. I used to do a lot of this with J and he hated it but…it also brought us closer together. I just did…I lived my life and I leaned way back during a few different periods of our time together. I had to because I was feeling frustrated and upset. I decided it was crazy for me to feel like that over something HE did when in reality, HE is not responsible for MY happiness, I am. So…I started telling him exactly how I felt, what I wanted and what I was going to do to get it…and I DID that. He was angry sometimes but…to reverse that, I’m not responsible for HIS happiness either. What honestly made him happy was to be with me, so…he stepped up and now we’re virtually joined at the hip during our free time. Now we’re both happy and we don’t make the other upset or feel guilty over silly stuff. Now, we tune in to each other’s needs and wants BEFORE it reaches that point of having to sort of lay it all out there like that. It’s been YEARS since I’ve had to say those kinds of things to him but when I did, yes…it made him uncomfortable. ”

Ty Mercedes, I feel happy to hear this. magic. I see this happening at times and always feel amazed.
I state what I feel and want, etc and get all the anger and moaning etc. And then sometimes later on they step up just when you least expect it.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:05am
827: ruth says:

826
Annie

When I stopped “playing the role” expected of me by my family, and spoke my truth they got very angry at first

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:07am
828: Laughing Goddess says:

(((Ruth)))

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:08am
829: Mercedes says:

Annie – 824 – I like that. I see many people who try to be friends with their children before they are parents and…well…have never seen that work out well. I agree, we are the responsible adults…it is up to us to teach children how to do what is best for them. Then, if we’ve done that right while they are growing up, we can watch them be responsible adults and we can smile a little because we know we taught them that.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:10am
830: Miss Bells says:

#765
Annie:
There may be two versions of the reverse ultimatum.

Mine came from Mimi Tanner who has written a great deal on the subject.

The version you describe is pure Rori.

I am in the process of combining them. First speak my feelings clearly–then back off and live my best life alone and decrease my availability.

The part about concentrating on my own life and passion is the same either way.

As far as I can see this is a winner no matter what the outcome.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:12am
831: ruth says:

Thanks LG

I read all that, thought, ooh thats helpful, said so and then felt this huge hot torrrent of-um—well itfelt hot and horrible and then turned into tears

And now ive just had a flashback to a time when I felt like that sitting in front of the man I loved.
I was literally unable to speak and bright red with the effort of holding back the tears

Actually , thinking back, i didnt need tospeak

he looked so shocked

But I was feeling my feeligns and not stuffing them down like I do so often now
hmmmm

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:15am
832: Annie says:

Daria says.

“And respect means taking her needs w as much consideration as one would an adult.”

I feel in disagreement with this
Children are not adults. Children are children.
I respect an adults right to make a choice as an adult.
Children do not have the same choices as adults.
Their brains are not able to cope with being able to do that, that is why they rely on us. And we are their caregivers
They do not get to choose when they go to bed.
If they drink alcohol.
Watch what tv they want to watch. re adult programs etc.
How much sugary food they want to eat.

I believe we should give them as much choice and control as possible that is in their best interest for their development for where they are each developmentally at.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:22am
833: Tam says:

Ah Ruth, I feel you.
Stuffing is just so much easier.
And the fact is also, sometimes I am not even sure what it is I am feeling, so stuffing it somewhere seems like the obvious thing.
Is it anger, is it sadness, do I feel defeated?
Or happy, silly, giggly, in the moment?
Sometimes I have no clue. The negative feelings are even harder for me to define…my anger can be white hot rage one moment and pure sadness and limpness the other…
I find all this feelings business oh so confusing, and then how to convey it to the other person even more confusing…crikey, it’s hard work.
But I do begin to realise it might all be worth it.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:23am
834: ruth says:

You sound good tam

Now, I need to calm down a bit so i am labelling some marathon photos

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:23am
835: ruth says:

yeah tam, i have trouble identifying the feelings too

I think thats why I get so inarticulate when i try to do feeling messages

and then i get frustrated because i am NOT an inarticulate person

I feel stupid when that happens

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:25am
836: ruth says:

Feeling smily at *crikey*

Blimey, tally ho and all that

Ooh yes-that reminds me
If you are out there Smile, dont forget that moving is a major life event and you will feel a little fragile
(((((((((((())))))
Now get out and do that parkrun on saturday
xx

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:27am
837: Annie says:

830: Miss Bells says:

“#765
Annie:
There may be two versions of the reverse ultimatum.

Mine came from Mimi Tanner who has written a great deal on the subject.

The version you describe is pure Rori.

I am in the process of combining them. First speak my feelings clearly–then back off and live my best life alone and decrease my availability.

The part about concentrating on my own life and passion is the same either way.

As far as I can see this is a winner no matter what the outcome.”

Ty Miss Bells, I see now. I love your last part.”As far as I can see this is a winner no matter what the outcome.”

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:28am
838: Annie says:

827: ruth says:

“826
Annie

When I stopped “playing the role” expected of me by my family, and spoke my truth they got very angry at first.”

I feel intrigued, what happened when you kept speaking your truth and didn’t go back into the old role?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:31am
839: Tam says:

835 ditto Ruth

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:32am
840: Daria says:

‘Dances With Fat
Health Comes In All Shapes and Sizes

Calling Obesity a Problem is the Problem

Every time someone dares to suggest that society should stop trying to shame fat people “for our own good” in the hopes they we will all hate ourselves healthy, someone has to wring their hands and say “we don’t want to be irresponsible and say that obesity isn’t a problem”. The truth is that it is absolutely irresponsible to say that obesity is a problem.

When people talk about the Obesity Epidemic or the Obesity Problem, what they are trying to do is make body size a proxy for health, and then make health a societal obligation and barometer for measuring worth and that’s wrong on both counts. Body sizes aren’t really a problem. A label of obesity is the end result of a BMI calculation and it’s ridiculous to suggest that my weight in pounds times 703 divided by my height in inches squared constitutes any kind of health diagnosis, or that my health is anyone else’s business. We’re also taller than we’ve ever been but nobody wants to scream about the Tallness Epidemic or how they have the hot new thing to make everyone shorter. (And isn’t it interesting that we’re okay with bodies coming in different heights, but not in different widths?)

Body size is not a diagnosis and we need to stop acting as if we can look and someone and tell what they eat, what activity they do and how healthy they are, or that how healthy they are is anyone’s business. It also does a disservice to those who are interested in health – it tells fat people that healthy habits don’t matter unless those habits make us thin, and it tells thin people that they are healthy just because of their size. Both of those statements are dead wrong. This hits home even more when we realize how much this issue has been exaggerated – for example the CDC originally told the media that 400,000 deaths a year were caused by obesity – when they were pressed they admitted that the number was actually less than 30,000 deaths but they purposefully chose not to disclose their error or the correct number to the media or change their approach of trying to convince people to get thin as a way to prevent 370,000 deaths a year that they know are non-existent.

It surprises a lot of people to find out that the diseases that are very often linked to fatness have never ever been shown to be caused by fatness – only correlated. And those diseases are also correlated with being under long-term stress. It makes sense if you think about it – if obesity was really the cause of medical problems then we would expect that most obese people would have those medical problems and very few thin people would. But that’s not the way it works. There are healthy fat people and unhealthy thin people. There are people of every size with the medical conditions that get erroneously blamed on body size. If thin people get a disease then it stands to reason that being thin is neither a sure preventative nor a sure cure. If thin people who have these diseases are given treatments that do not include weight loss, why are those interventions not given to fat people?

There is definitely a problem (several actually), but it’s not obesity.

Stigma is a problem.

According to research from Dr. Peter Muennig, a health professor from Columbia:

“Women who say they feel they are too heavy suffer more mental and physical illness than women who say they feel fine about their size — no matter what they weigh.”

When you say that body size is the problem then you are telling people to have a problem with their bodies – betting that they will somehow hate themselves healthy. Knowing what Dr. Muennig’s research found, and knowing that we live in a world where people spend their time making sure that we get a ceaseless stream of body hatred, it would make more sense if people of size did suffer more mental and physical illness. But if that’s the case then the issue is not obesity, it’s social stigma, and weight loss is not the cure for social stigma. Ending social stigma is the cure for social stigma.

Speaking of stigma, Dr. Muennig also tells us:

“Stigma and prejudice are intensely stressful. Over time, such chronic stress can lead to high blood pressure and diabetes.”

Like the stress of being constantly stigmatized by everyone from jerks on the internet to doctors perhaps? How about we give ending social stigma around body size a try? Couldn’t hurt, would probably help.

Making individual health the public’s business is a problem

Someone’s health, their prioritization of their health, and the path they choose to reach any health goals that they may choose are intensely personal and not a matter for public consumption. Health is not entirely within our control. Health is not a barometer for worthiness, it is not a societal obligation, it is not anybody’s business. Public health should be about providing health options to the public, not about making the individual’s health the public’s business.

Access is a problem

We’re spending so much time buying and selling thin, that we’ve forgotten about actual health. Sixty billion dollars went to the diet industry last year. How many local, sustainable farms could we have supported? How many community health centers could we have built. How many food deserts could we have eliminated? Instead we gave sixty billion dollars to an industry with a less than 5% success rate that has been sued repeatedly by the US Trade Commission for deceptive trade practices and LOST EVERY TIME. We thought that was the best use of our sixty billion dollars to improve our health? Seriously?

Studies show us over and over that healthy habits, not weight, are the best predictor of future health. Health is multi-dimensional and not entirely within our control – it includes genetics, access, stress, past behaviors and current behaviors, and health is never guaranteed. Everybody is going to die and if you don’t get hit by a bus it’s pretty likely that things will go wrong with your body, and there is no magical weight that will stop that from happening.

Focusing on body size misleads people about health habits. It also gets in the way of the proper treatment of actual health issues in people of all sizes. Doctors neglect to do basic diagnostic tests on thin people because they assume that they are healthy, and people of size aren’t properly diagnosed because doctors are too busy giving a diagnosis of fat and a treatment protocol of weight loss. We can do better than this. There is nothing to be achieved by a war on obese people that couldn’t be achieved by an initiative for providing access to healthy foods, enjoyable movement options and affordable evidence-based healthcare to those who want them.

Calling obesity the problem is the problem.

I’m Putting on a Happy HAES Holidays Workshop – Registration is Name Your Own Price

Normally I get between 100 and 200 e-mails a day. During the holiday season that climbs to 200-300 from people asking about everything from how to set resolutions that aren’t about weight loss to how to deal with the family food police. I’ve put together a group of speakers to give you information to support you through the holiday season. Details are here, registration is name your own price.

Like the blog? Check this stuff out (and you can help support my work which I would really appreciate):
Check Out my Book: Fat: The Owner’s Manual. The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here to order

Buy the Dance Class DVDs (hint: Free shipping was supposed to end on Monday but I haven’t had a chance to make the changes to the pricing so there’s still free shipping until I get it done)! Click here for the details

Become a Member and Get Special Deals from Size Positive Businesses

I do size acceptance activism full time. A lot what I do, like answering over 4,000 e-mails from readers each month, giving talks to groups who can’t afford to pay, and running projects like the Georgia Billboard Campaign etc. is unpaid, so I created a membership program so that people who read the blog and feel they get value out of it and want to support the work I do can become members for ten bucks a month To make that even cooler, I’ve now added a component called “DancesWithFat Deals” which are special deals to my members from size positive merchants. Once you are a member I send out an e-mail once a month with the various deals and how to redeem them – your contact info always stays completely private.’

~ Reagan Chastain

http://Www.danceswithfat.com

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:33am
841: ruth says:

hm
I suppose in Rori terms my boy energy is VERY good at expressing itself but the poor little girl hasnt been allowed to so she doesnt know how

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:34am
842: Miss Bells says:

People who are used to controlling you and/or taking advantage of you will almost ALWAYS get angry when you regain your power.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:34am
843: Mercedes says:

Miss Bells – 842 – Oh yes..they will. But that’s okay because those people need to learn how to work through their issues too so…nothing wrong with us being a little practice for them….

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:37am
844: Simply Goddess says:

Him
“May aswell go out with your mates again this weekend, cos I am!”

Me
As much as I loe you and Ive tried. You wanted to do this through text. Friends with strip clus and D M liking all your status aimed at me (A girl im very suspicious of) Doesnt feel good and im not stupid with whats obviously going on. You’ve got your wish. Its over. So you’re free to do whatever you want without guilt now. I’ll find someone who appreciates me.

Him
“Think what you want! You always do anyway! People like ur statuses and y the way its you who said its over so you’ve got your wish. So dont even try to blame me to make yourself feel better. You’re the one planning trips to Ibiza not me! All I wanna do is make money and have a good life for everyone. All you want is things that benefit you. You dont give a shit about no one else. An if that girls liking my status then I may aswell message her then now Im single cos thats what you want.
You dont see me goin on when you go out of a weekend and then all of a sudden lads are liking every status you put on.”

Him
“You honestly want me to do it then?” (He means Message/sleep with this girl! the cheek!)

Him
“Ok if thats what you want. You’ve made it clear. See you about. Enjoy Ibiza.”

Him
“Made a big mistake you yano. See ya around!”

Arrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:41am
845: ruth says:

840
Amen to that daria!

Dont get me started, i could rant for HOURS!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:42am
846: Simply Goddess says:

Him

“Oh and going to change my number this weekend too after Ive got my stuff. So you can get on with being single. Sorry its come to this. Seriously but its what you wanted. You really havent got time for me and a child. And you know yourself uv proved that!”

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:43am
847: Simply Goddess says:

Him

“Great when you cant even give a response, Nice 1″

Yes these are coming through this quick!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:44am
848: Silver Moonbeam says:

I wonder if texting, emailing and especially Facebook doesn’t have a lot to do with the demise of relationships? Soooo many misunderstandings in the written word, soooo much drama with FB likes and dislikes.

I was talking to my sister at the weekend and we both agreed life was much, much easier before the internet.

You went out to a disco, a party, a bar, the park wherever you met somebody that night – you agreed on a date and time for the next date and both showed up and had a date (unless you were stood up ), on that date if you wanted to see each other again you made an arrangement for the next date, there was very very little communication in between dates unless you could sneak a phone call as your parents practically had a lock and key on the phone.

Life was so much less drama and hassle free………

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:49am
849: ruth says:

SG

That feels so threatening to me

I really hope you did not reply

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:50am
850: Silver Moonbeam says:

#847 Simply Goddess

He sounds very, very angry. Maybe you should switch your phone off and let him vent and not get sucked into it. (See my post above about no phones!!)

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:51am
851: Mercedes says:

SG: They’re coming through quick because he’s not in control right now. The best response is what you’re doing…no response at all. My guess is you’ll see him go through at least three different tactics before he stops. Blaming…trying to make you feel guilty…trying to make you feel sorry for him…anger…trying to make you afraid…etc. He’ll pick at least three and probably go with a really nice (or really sad) approach on Friday. Emotional manipulation is his game right now.

You’re leaning back and not responding. See how he’s leaning forward and trying to get your attention? He can’t help himself. He can’t stand you leaning back. He’s losing control and he’s afraid of that (probably a little angry too).

You don’t owe him any responses to texts like that.

Hang in there. I’m proud of you.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:52am
852: ruth says:

Silver moonbeam

i also think with all this text and internet stuff that it is easier to cheat

But actually I like facebook for looking at pictures

I dont put anything too important on there

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:52am
853: Annie says:

How do you feel Simply Goddess?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:53am
854: Smile says:

Aw thanks Ruth.

Yup I’m feeling fragile. I’ve handed back my keys. Just got one more car load to unpack.
I don’t feel motivated for park run without my friend. I just Wana slop. The first one is always the hardest. I really want to do it, just need to get my mind onside now.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:54am
855: Silver Moonbeam says:

#852 Ruth

Oh don’t get me wrong Ruth, I love FB for pics and stuff and to keep in touch with family, HOWEVER I do see the dark side of it on here with Sirens who have friended bf’s and stuff and he likes this girl’s pic or doesn’t like their pic or makes a comment to others and ignores them, it’s all too much drama for me.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:55am
856: Femininewoman says:

RE 832 Very interesting. Very strong assertions. I wonder how we or most of us know what children are capable of? How do we know how their brains function?

I have learned many a thing from dealing with kids.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:55am
857: ruth says:

yeah, SG, he certainly seems to be trying every emotional trick in the book to get a response out of you

Stay strong if you can

The last time this happened to me, i cracked when he wrote a public blog about tow previous deaths in the family, and said it was an anniverary that very day(it wasnt)

Id survived a whole week of texts like that

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:55am
858: Smile says:

Tam, I’m going to start with a cup of tea, then move swiftly onto a glass of red wine and snuggle in my blanket.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 9:57am
859: Daria says:

Annie – actually many parents that adhere to radical unschooling principles do make the physical and emotional space for their children to choose when they go to bed, what tv shows to watch, and eat as much sugary food as they want

(and yes they’d be able to drink alcohol, but often don’t choose to, because… Without the taboo the children are not particularly drawn to it)

‘“And respect means taking her needs w as much consideration as one would an adult.”

Taking their needs into consideration is just that, taking their needs into consideration… It doesn’t imply that they’re developmentally adult or that they have the same needs.

It does require a communication with them and awareness to discover their needs. Even per verbal babies are able to communicate their needs, w baby sign language for example. Sometimes the best a caretaker can do is trial and error, offering comfort, food, potty time, rest, a toy, but the intent to communicate and take the childs need into consideration must be there to make an emotional connection.

I use this with my inner child all the time, dialogueing with her, offering hugs, asking if she would like activities. It feels soothing and like a bond w myself.

If I don’t consider her needs and try to shove it rush or push her ‘hurry up Daria’ or ‘we have to do this’

I feel sad limp ‘dead’ disconnected, awful.
I often don’t do, or finish, or repeat the task I was attempting.
I build up a trigger to feel bad when I think of it.

These are tools I apply to myself, and Have felt healing, often beinging up early childhood memories of Not being treated that way, that i then slather the love on for.

intend to apply them w my children and other people I relate with, so hopefully they will have less disempowering memories and patterns as they develop to adulthood and take charge of their own care taking.

I feel excited this seems to trigger you as I recently got that opposition is the first step of change. Awesome truism for me to apply in my thinking, and heal my defensiveness.

Laura Markham is a parenting author that seems to have some great tools.

Googling around on this will bring up lots of info.

There’s also a Nonviolent Parenting page on Facebook that has links to resources.

Today’s maxim is :

‘the level of cooperation parents get from their children, is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents’ Pam Leo

Sounds a lot like men! Ha I feel delighted to notice that

It turns out that without restrictions, children find a natural balance and often don’t prefer sugar, tv, and go to bed times when they’re tired and awake when they’re rested

This is different than negligence, where the parent is unaware or uninterested.

Child led patenting is about a commitment to awareness and finding solutions that work for the emotional and other needs of everyone.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:00am
860: Annie says:

851: Mercedes says:

“SG: They’re coming through quick because he’s not in control right now. The best response is what you’re doing…no response at all. My guess is you’ll see him go through at least three different tactics before he stops. Blaming…trying to make you feel guilty…trying to make you feel sorry for him…anger…trying to make you afraid…etc. He’ll pick at least three and probably go with a really nice (or really sad) approach on Friday. Emotional manipulation is his game right now.

You’re leaning back and not responding. See how he’s leaning forward and trying to get your attention? He can’t help himself. He can’t stand you leaning back. He’s losing control and he’s afraid of that (probably a little angry too).

You don’t owe him any responses to texts like that.

Hang in there. I’m proud of you.

Much Love,
Mercedes”

TY Mercedes, it feels interesting to read and see how this pattern works.

I am learning.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:00am
861: ruth says:

Silver moonbeam

I treat facebook VERY superficially-its the best way
So I will post stuff about running or drinking cups of tea, and i *like* the pet and baby pics on there but stay away form any *serious* discussion

its just too public! And they keep changing the security settings

yes, it has nasty potential, i agree

I had a little smile reading about the telephone being under lock and key-oh yes, i recall it well

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:01am
862: T-Girl says:

I feel so lucky. J and I have been living together now for 5 months and I love coming home to him. He even referred to my daughter as “our child” last night. I am still amazed to have found him.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:02am
863: ruth says:

Smile this is your mother speaking;()

Wot no food????

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:02am
864: Annie says:

I feel curious re “unschooling principles”

Is this for home schooled children?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:03am
865: Annie says:

“It turns out that without restrictions, children find a natural balance and often don’t prefer sugar, tv, and go to bed times when they’re tired and awake when they’re rested”

I feel curious, where is the evidence to back up that claim?

Feel interested in reading that.
Especially as tv and sugar are both addictive.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:06am
866: ruth says:

838 Annie

My parents (and sister) had me cast in a role of *helpess and clueless and a bit ditzy*
Slightly odd, as i am a senior doc in a hospital, but there you go
Anyway, they would always want to *lookafter me*, assume i couldnt find places(ok, i have a shIt sense of direction and only learnt to drive 5 years ago, but im not incapable)

It was a form of control really.I would be told what to do at every turn.And i did it.To “keep the peace”
When I stopped doing it, they at first accused me of being “cold and unfeeling”-because i simply stated that i didnt want to do that and thendropped contact with them when they behaved in this way.Leaned back, if you like.

My sister has not come around, but she has ben so foul to me in the past that Im quite okay with that
My parents and i have a good relationship now
They respect me .Or i *feel * more respected

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:08am
867: ruth says:

I am staying out of the childrens discussion
I do have views but i have never brought up my own child

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:10am
868: Femininewoman says:

RE 815 Daria I agree with most of what you say here. I believe that for many children this is how to learn to take abuse or dish out abuse as adults in relationships. As children they learn that significant others don’t respect them as humans, don’t validate their feelings so they grow up believing it is normal. When they grow up they continue the cycle with their spouses and their own children because they don’t know any other way.

I believe that in doing the work here I am unlearning some of these things that were reinforced in childhood. I do at times feel powerful with my kids but usually somewhere along the line I get an indication from them that they are learning new skills I didn’t as a young person.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:11am
869: Mercedes says:

Annie: I’m interested too but only because I’ve seen this pattern sooooo many times with men who are abusive. I don’t have the slightest idea if this man is abusive or not, but I think his patterns of control are very much the same. Usually, these men end the “game” (I don’t know what other words to use) with either extreme tenderness or tears.

They tend to start with the anger (name calling and blaming) then threats (I’ll cheat, I’ll change my number – probably never really will, that’s a complete idle threat but if he does, he’ll keep HER number), I’ll ) then to guilt trips (I wanted things to be different but I was never good enough for you…I tried but you gave up on us…I wanted us to be a family but you wanted your friends/lover/ more than me…) then the sadness (I’m sorry baby, I know I was wrong, please don’t let it end this way, I can’t live without you, I’ll never do it again, I miss you) and that is more often than not accompanied by a tear or two.

Over and over and over and over I’ve seen this. Much of the number of emotions they use is a direct result of how long a woman can stay strong and true to herself. No matter how far it goes though, nothing changes unless the man is willing to work on HIMSELF and only if HE wants to change and only if that change (and the follow-thru) is HIS idea.

I hate this stuff. It’s so frustrating to me!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:11am
870: Simply Goddess says:

853: Annie says:

How do you feel Simply Goddess?

I feel very angry. I was ragin before and shaking. Maybe its a coincidence but everything seems to fit together.
This girl I’ve had this feeling about keep appearing. I don’t know her and I’ve been with him 2 years. She’s listed as an ‘estate agent’ and he’s just got a flat! Ha!
The adding of a friend being a strip club in liverpool. Telling me hes coming for his stuff and to wipe the camera of pics. He only has some boxers and the camera here so whats the rush. Then saying he’s ‘going out weekend’ it just all seems to fit together. Then her liking each status he puts clearly aimecd at me. Where has this girl suddenly come from and why? Hmm.. I snapped.
I feel angry but maybe this is what I need. This will be hard but I’ve tried feeling messages and givedn him chances all day. I’ve taken so much abuse and attack and responded really calmly. I can only take so much.
I feel ok when he’s sending messages like that but anxious now hes stopped.
I feel scared but I know I have to stick to it.
I know I’ll go through a mixture of feelings tonight.
I feel angry he can be so cruel. I feel hopeful deep down inside he’s hurting and scared too.

I feel lost. I also am tempted to defriend him on facebook but scared of regretting it?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:11am
871: Annie says:

Can you imagine having three children all wanting to eat what they liked at different times several times a day.
Chaos. I’d never be out of the kitchen and would be broke with all the food choices i would have to buy.
And all the squabbles over tv. who was watching what.

Righteo.!

Well that wouldn’t work for me.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:12am
872: Femininewoman says:

Ruth I get involved with the discussion because it brings back vivid memories of my childhood and how I was treated. It helps me to tap into reasons why I have believed that I was not good enough. I see these things through the eyes of my inner child and feel the rebellious charge stuffed down because of the treatment.

When I read some of the things Daria posted I feel like a baby crawling around and looking through curios eyes at things I have never seen before. I like to feel the wonder and amazement that they elicit in me.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:15am
873: Daria says:

Annie – I found reading materials on children not choosing sugar etc on Sandra Dodd’s site (which I feel so glad to have found) sandradodd.com

Also me for example , I did not like sugar honey chocolate or sweets till way late in my teens when I kinda learned from us pop culture that chocolate is supposed to be this big deal craving thing and started practicing that.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:15am
874: ruth says:

mercedes-i too recognise that pattern and i feel a bit sick

And triggered

And stupid for falling for it in the past(yeah, i know, dont beat yourself up)

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:17am
875: Simply Goddess says:

His facebook status

“Feel a bit sick”

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:19am
876: Femininewoman says:

RE 871 It doesn’t work for me either Annie but I find they learn to help themselves, especially around the TV and computer when I tell them to find a way to work together to figure stuff out.

I remember clearly as a child being forced to eat something I did not like. It was promptly rejected by my body the second it hit my stomach. My mother never forced me to eat that again. I might have been allergic to that but it taught me to be flexible with my kids around things they eat.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:19am
877: Annie says:

Daria.

I have a Senario.
Mother has to take one child to doctors.
Younger child is watching tv and doesn’t want to go to doctors. Doesn’t have the reasoning ability or empathy to understand that the ill childs need to go to the doctors is more important than her want to watch tv.
You have ten mins to get in car or else will be late and miss docs appointment.

What do you do?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:20am
878: Simply Goddess says:

Mercedes. Your words make so much sense and my understanding of it is keeping me strong. Thank you. x

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:20am
879: Annie says:

FW forcing anyone to eat anything is always abuse who mentioned force?

I didn’t

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:21am
880: Femininewoman says:

Daria my son never like sweet things. He also does not like soft squishy stuff. He tends to want protein while my daughter gravitate towards carbs. I encourage them to experiment with different foods so they can at least have the experience but I do believe to a certain extent eating should be pleasurable as well as nutritious for them.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:21am
881: Daria says:

The way I deal w ‘emotional man drama’ that Is my understanding from Rori is ….

ONLY feeling messages and don’t wants. No exceptions. Ever.

And even more important

ONLY respond when it feels good. NOT when it feels bad.

Icky feeling stuff gets a. No response

Or b. ouch, I don’t feel good being talked to that way…

Followed by a. No response (until he says something that feels good)

Oh wow the drama is so healed using these steps! It really helps the man too! Healing my fam!

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:22am
882: Simply Goddess says:

“In all honesty, do you want to move in this place with me? Whats the problem”

Mercedes.. you’re so right haha

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:23am
883: ruth says:

872 FW

yeah but you have also had kids havent you so can see it from the parents pijt of view as well

which i obviously cant

My view on this really is that (almost) all parents do the best they can with the tools they possess , in what they think is in the childs best interests.Out of love.I really do believe that is usually the case.
Sadly, it is not alway the right thing for the child

it was not for me
But I am an adult now.I dont *have* to be shaped by my past and I dont have to *blame* my parents.

That feels liberating to me. to let that go

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:23am
884: Laughing Goddess says:

Mercedes: 869

The way I am reading your post sounds to me like the man is 100% to blame for the drama. I feel curious where the way to woman is speaking and acting fits into all of this.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012 @ 10:23am
885: Mercedes

Have The Relationship You Want