How To Get Yourself Back If You Feel Lost Again

   

Here’s a letter from Jen, who was doing great, and now feels all lost again:

“Rori, I need your help so desperately…

A year ago, I worked through your Modern Siren program and it helped me get the man that I love back for good.

We had a long history of 3 years with some togetherness and some break ups. I had never learned how to really be the soft, strong, independent, attractive women that I knew I could and can be while in a relationship.

My man, he is so sweet and sensitive and loving and caring and yet so macho and so distant and withdrawn and cold at times. But we’ve all been there right! You know that deep down it’s about what is going on with us. So I learned that from my own lessons and life experiences but you helped me with your program because you helped me take all that “logical” knowledge that I had about myself and put it into practice emotionally for my benefit and for my happiness!

So…here is where we are now and in particular where I am again and I hate being here…I am falling apart inside and I need you once again!

A year ago he asked me to move in and just this year we bought a house together. I had my power, I was my own independent, soft, strong and attractive women that he felt happy and energetic and joyful and content to be with and to come home to every day!

But now…once again….I have lost myself in the relationship. I know I don’t need to expand further on that.

All the changes we’ve experienced over the last year and a half AND to top it all off….I have been going through some extreme personal stresses that have nothing to do with the relationship but with my career, finances, sick elderly parents, insomnia, physical pain…….etc. etc. So, needless to say I have had a very hard time being wonderful strong, soft self lately for the past 6 months for sure and as this has progressed I have continued to lose myself in the loneliness and seclusion.

I have been so tired and so stressed that I don’t have energy to invest in myself anymore and this is pushing him further and further away. I recognize the signs because I have learned and grown and I know logically….what I am doing wrong and how I am causing him to feel my neediness, my anxieties, my emotional dependency on him! And I know that if I don’t do something different soon to pick myself up you know what will progressively get worse and end up in shambles.

Please Rori, how do I EMOTIONALLY find myself again while being able to share a close and loving partnership with someone once you start being together full time day in and day out life….marriage?

How do I adjust and how do I find the strength and balance to work through my issues and on myself while still being able to share a life with someone who is so close, whom you love so much. How can I love myself like that again and let go of these negative patterns for good!

I want this to succeed because I know it can and when we are good together we are soooo goood together! The happiness that I deserve is so worth it all; please help me grab a hold of that happiness again!

Sincerely and breaking, Jen”

My answer:

Jen! – Go back to Modern Siren.

Get the ebook if you don’t have it, and work with that (only $20).

  • If you can afford it – a coach will help you stay on track.

It can be me, it can be Virginia Clark www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com, it can be Dominique www.sexandheart.com – it’s about who most “sings” to you in the fastest amount of time.

If you have a spiritual leaning – I’ll lend you my teacher – Ron Blair (Course in Miracles) – rondblair@yahoo.com.

In the meantime – get on my blog. Write, participate – we’ll help you there.

  • For now – BACK OFF from him! AND stay warm to him.
  • Most important – focus 100% on getting your life in order.
  • Go download free Feldenkrais Method tapes – they’re everywhere. Taking a class is even better, and inexpensive.

Feldenkrais will smooth you out, get you into your body, slow you down, help heal your physical pain, get you present and connected to yourself.

((Just from my personal life – I love Chinese Medicine, and NUCCA chiropractic. There are very few NUCCA practitioners in the world, and I’m lucky to have a stellar one – Dr. Nathaniel Elkins – in Los Angeles. And equally fortunate to find an incredible Chinese Medical Dr. near me (who also happens to be THE world-wide expert in her field) Dr. Matia Brizman. For pain and everything else, I rely on these two and recommend that everyone find a NUCCA practitioner and good Chinese medial doctor anywhere near them.))

  • Meditate. Find a class so you get everyone’s else’s good energy around you, too.
  • Do ALL my Tools that you have – ALL the time!
  • Dance with your situation as best you can. And LITERALLY – DANCE–>>

***Go find a www.sweatmyprayers.com or “ecstatic dance” in your neighborhood – stop Pilates and working out at the gym for now until you see how non-goal-oriented dance works for you…

  • Take an acting class!
  • WALK in your neighborhood, using my Tools the whole way to pay attention to yourself, to become aware of yourself and how your mind works, and to become more aware of your surroundings and the impulses from your heart and body.
  • Change your eating. Go to Whole Foods and get the basics: probiotics and omegas (cod liver oil is great for many) and vitamin D and a fruit/veg based vitamin.

STOP all SUGAR and GRAINS for a few weeks as an experiment. You could even stop dairy to experiment.  See if you can tell how you feel. Experience the discipline and how that feels.

Very, very important to start identifying food intolerances for the short term, and getting some practice with your inner discipline.

  • Work on your finances – and just SMILE at your man.

Love, Rori

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739 Comments to “How To Get Yourself Back If You Feel Lost Again”

  1. 1: R.N.AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    number 1!! Unusual where is everyone!!

    Wednesday, 16 January 2013 @ 9:08pm

  2. 2: R.N.AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    I tend to lose myself in stress of different situations in life. I am single so getting lost in a relationship is no issue at hand with a man per say. It does affect how I am with my kids and my family and friends in life. I tend to shut myself off and close up and I do this for me I believe is to refocus and get myself back on track without the negativity and everyone’s two cents one what I am doing wrong. My mom often says she cannot say anything to me without me getting defewnsive and I think this is because after being told that you need to do this and that and spend more time with your kids in a way “she” thinks is right. I just keep to myself and try to bring myself back to where I need to be. I learned a lot about who I am by doing this but it is not easy. Sometimes lonely but i realized you cannot always tell people everything. My mom and I used to be really close but what she has been going through has been hard enough on her that anything extra is too much. I am not sure how you bring yourself back but I do know you cannot do it for any man in fear of losing him or anyone else for that matter. You have to do it for yourself. That is the only way to guarantee true sincerity of making a change. You make it for yourself and your kids. I tell myself this often it is no secret I have been battling demons for the last couple years and have come a long way but have a lot more to go. This makes me no less of a person or a bad mother it makes me human. I think if we can all understand we go through things in life and if we are willing to acknowledge them the more prone we are to getting back to where we need to be. Emotionally and physically without the negative comments or the negative pressure from family which I know is in good heart but not healthy for me anyways. So I sit here and ponder how to make small changes and everyday is a blessing to becoming the woman I am and the woman I need to be for my children.

    Wednesday, 16 January 2013 @ 9:21pm

  3. 3: R.N.AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    A big obstacle for me is going through so much physical pain with my ovarian cysts. My mom has been diagnosed and is in chemo now with ovarian cancer. Started with a large cyst. Scary and hereditary as well. I at first was totally against removing my ovaries and getting thrown into menopause but the pain daily is awful it makes me want to just curl up in bed. More activity makes it worse and it is depressing as I feel horrible 80% of the time. I feel bad complaing when my mom has cancer but I am tired of the pain. I want it to stop and if taking my ovaries is the only way I would rather be pain free and enjoying my life once again. This has affected me physically and emotionally I am drained.I miss my kids I feel as their mother I am failing them being there when they need me. I try to be but i work also. The balance in life is tough but my family is supportive watching the kids and helping out. Now if they could do it without throwing it in my face when arguements arise that would be nice.Work in progress, I have not given up, everyday is a new day and I am working to getting this fixed so I can move past it.

    Wednesday, 16 January 2013 @ 9:31pm

  4. 4: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I’m really sad. I absolutely adore C and I have a lot of love for him. He’s one of the kindest men I’ve ever met and it touches me to be treated the way he loves me. But I don’t want him to touch me pyhisically, we’re not good sexually and I know I have to break up with him. I haven’t found the strength yet, and I can’t stop crying.

    Wednesday, 16 January 2013 @ 9:44pm

  5. 5: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((RNAmazingMe))))

    I feel like, as women, we often have such complex relationships with our mothers. I know for me personally, I both want to be close to her, and really want her to respect my space. I care how she sees me, yet at the same time I am unwilling to work for her approval.

    Have you tried setting boundaries with feeling messages?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:27am

  6. 6: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    D invited me round last night, again.

    And it wasn’t a sexual thing, he was feeling under the weather from just having taken his meds, which makes it even more remarkable that he wanted me around. He wanted to try out a new show together (an old past-time of ours).

    I was touched because, usually after I express my feelings like I did on Tuesday, he pulls away for a time. And he made me Chai tea and he was touching me and cuddling me and we laughed together. It was sweet.

    I know to some it seems small or casual, but I would rather have a night like last night after a heavy, long day at work like I had, than the fanciest dinner in the world. It fed my soul.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:33am

  7. 7: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo from the previous thread…yes, I do think that men step up more when a woman is not ‘into them’ in the beginning, they see it as a challenge. The real test is when the relationship gets more solidified and that is why so many relationships already fail at the 3-6 month mark…
    It has helped me tremendously not to get excited about a particular man I am dating and not get invested too soon. You can really see what they are made of and whether their interest is lasting or just a ‘conquering’ thing going on.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:39am

  8. 8: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo…aw..sounds nice your evening!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:39am

  9. 9: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Violette…urgh…this is so strange and so frustrating…and I take it that the sex life can’t be improved, it is a basic chemical repulsion of the other person?
    I am asking because when that happens to me I can’t even kiss the guy, let alone do anything else.
    And that’s a done deal, that would never work.
    Else, if it is ‘bad sex’ I have found it can be improved…it’s not easy and it’s not something quick, but with time and open communication, it can change.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:42am

  10. 10: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I still feel amused by MrP and my crazed text and email exchange yesterday….hehehe….he got all hot under the collar and I was laughing…so much.
    And now?
    Nothing! I love the feeling of playing around for 2 hours, naughty texts, and leave him to it nonchalantly, when he was getting ready to drive up here. Ha ha ha.
    OOoooooh I like to play.
    And I like to stop the play also.
    Hanky Panky? No Sir. I don’t work in the service industry, but you can dream about my little body, that’s allowed…and he does. HA!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:47am

  11. 11: TamNo Gravatar says:

    …and I am going to take all those compliments he made, about me being sexy and smart and interacting with me makes ‘life worth living’ and other more personal compliments….I shall take all that and put it into my self-esteem box…ha!
    It is nice to hear it from a guy who is very sparing with compliments…I know he means it.
    That feels really good.
    And even better because I have let him go and have no expectations..so if I don’t see/hear from him in the next 12 months, I’d actually be cool with that.
    Aaah.
    Life is good.
    Feels like I have so much in my self-esteem and ‘feel-good’ box right now, that I don’t even want to CD or even go out with friends…I am enjoying myself so much right now….like I am spending time with my best friend. So cool :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:53am

  12. 12: TamNo Gravatar says:

    MrP just sent me an email to thank me for last night…..OMG, too funny…our sexy texts….he is NOT the type to send me little ‘thank you’ emails…ha ha ha.
    I am feeling *highly* amused.
    The old boy surprises me still..ha!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:19am

  13. 13: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    SeeminglyEasyCD hasn’t called to confirm our date for tomorrow night.
    I noticed feeling anxiety yesterday when I hadn’t heard from him and that tells me I’m up against my boundary, so I’m going to date myself tomorrow night and if he calls, let him know I made other plans.

    I went ’round with myself a little bit about wondering whether I was being unreasonable or harsh – after all, I didn’t TELL him I expected him to confirm 48 hours before.
    And…so what? I want a man who already knows how to treat a Queen, not a fixer upper who I have to raise up and teach about me :)
    I can have standards!
    I can turn down men who make me feel insecure before we even get to date one!

    It’s totally okay to want to feel secure, and totally okay to weed out the men who trigger insecurity.

    I am validating myself :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:41am

  14. 14: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE the photo above, I have felt like that little girl, hands on hips, looking down the road
    wondering
    HOW the heck did I get here?
    Where do I go now?
    She’s cute as heck, she looks determined.
    I feel a sun of warm, glowing soft golden light welling up from my solar plexus and expanding all through my heart, chest, throat, belly, arms and fingertips looking at the photo.
    I feel blissed and in love with the little girl, she has what it takes :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:45am

  15. 15: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    It is Thursday already!

    I am intrigued by this post. I would like to think that I will not loose myself in a happy relationship but also realize that I will have to make it a point to invest in me just as faithfully as I do into the my relationship.

    Tam… I find it interesting reading your latest comments. The williness you have to even interact with MrP on a playful sexual level feels surprising to me after his behavior the last time you were with him. I know that I would not be open to do that with anyone who treated me as he did you. I guess it would feel good to get those positive comments from a person that we had feelings for. I received an email from the man in my last relationship with pictures of trips we had taken together etc. telling me that he thanked God upon every rememberence of me. HA. It had no impact on me. It takes alot for me to close up totally to a person and I definately reached that point with him. In fact there are only 3 people that have reached that status in my life. Once they get there… there is no removal. The End. His email felt icky and all about him as usual. yuck!

    I wonder if receiving attention from someone that we once wanted to badly to have in our lives now that we dont have any interest in them at all would feel self esteem building. I have never thought of it that way. It has always felt melancholy or slimey to me. hmmm

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:46am

  16. 16: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((RNAmazing))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:49am

  17. 17: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, I was just having fun winding him up as I walked home from the grocery store….a pastime like kicking a ball at the beach.
    Honestly speaking, I am not going to deprive myself of fun. If I was still angry or had hopes os a relationship, this would not feel fun.
    And yes, I felt hurt by the perveived rejection many weeks ago, but we have been friends/lovers for over 2 years and he has done lots of stuff for me, and helped me set myself up here, introduced me to some very nice friends and so on.
    He’s not a bad guy, he’s just not for me.
    Doesn’t mean I can’t play with him.
    Perhaps now it’s my turn to get some fun without anything else behind it….

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:51am

  18. 18: UliiNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((R.N.AmazingMe))))))

    I feel it’s really hard getting on with the family, even if they are supportive in their way, everything gets “thrown in my face” when arguments rise too. I choose to remain distant from them. Although I know my work is in getting in terms with it, and someday allow more closeness.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:55am

  19. 19: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I guess we do have a weird relationship generally, but I know that if I was in any trouble, the guy would be there within seconds, any time of day and night…and that is something which is worth a lot to me.
    He doesn’t want relationship and can’t do it. Is that a crime? Not really. It is something to accept. And move on, which I have.
    This is where we get into trouble I think, when we say ‘how he treated you’. What did he actually do other than say that he can’t/won’t do relationship?
    He was honest with me….he could have strung me along with nice words, now that would have been worse and I would probably still be crafting out ‘feeling messages’…and have hope.
    It is so much better knowing where I stand.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:56am

  20. 20: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I always lose myself in IMAGINARY relationships. I feel so furious and sad. I feel stuck. My life feels stuck. Technically, it is slowly moving forward professionally, but slow moving feels like a DEAD STOP for some reason right now.

    Telling SMC I don’t want to be friends has been really hard. I feel like I’m greiving the friendship, or maybe just the potential of a friendship. I’ve never done anything like this in my life, and it feels strange and wrong and really, really sad. I don’t even know if I did the right thing or not.

    I feel like I’m going to be judged soooo hard, but it has been the weirdest thing.

    It’s like I can’t even “feel” him anymore. He has stopped staring at me, stopped lingering, stopped all energy towards me whatsoever. and I miss IT. I miss his energy. I miss the attention, even if it didn’t MEAN ANYTHING because of his gf.

    and I’m wondering, what kind of man is he? It’s like he just turned himself completely off. He doesn’t seem sad, angry, or anything even resembling any kind of emotion.

    I’m wondering, is he a jerk? Has he just stopped “playing with me” because he has realized that he can’t, because I stood up for myself?

    or does he really like me, but is CHOOSING his gf, because he LOVES her? and I’m MAKING him choose, and he is choosing her?

    that possibility REALLY hurts. :(

    Feedback would feel great.

    I feel like everyone is going to feel annoyed with me or something, because this isn’t “real,” but it’s real to me, and I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve only fallen in love with one other guy “friend,” where I’ve stuck around and “pretended” like I only cared about him as a friend. I’m being truthful and authentic this time. My “pretend guy friend” broke my heart. Is that why this is so painful?

    I honestly wasn’t expecting to feel this sad.

    I thought nothing would change, and I would just go about my merry way, forget about him, etc.

    I thought I would feel empowered and good about myself for HAVING a boundary for once.

    but instead, I feel lousy, unsure, and incredibly sad.

    this is so confusing… :/

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:57am

  21. 21: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria (from the previous thread in case you don’t go back there): It is possible to have what you want…it really is. I don’t want to be with a man who brings out the screaming fits in me and so I’m not. Whether or not J could handle it is irrelevant because I don’t do it. I don’t do it because he doesn’t do anything to make me want to scream at him. Goes both ways too. You can have a relationship where things just “flow” and screaming fits are not necessary or wanted. I have that so I know others can have it too. If it’s what they want. It’s all in what we want to manifest for ourselves. For me, that is a relationship without conflict.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:00am

  22. 22: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Plus, it was actually me who initiated the naughty talk, after he sent me something factual…..so, really,
    I feel like a Rock star. And he tried to pick up on it all this morning…but I have no time….aw.
    He he

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:01am

  23. 23: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Wow – what an appropriate post!

    I have been reflecting on recent events with Phillip, and I came to the realization that my requests for him to not contact me was coming from a place of pain and anger.

    I wasn’t leaning back – I was shoving him away. I was trying to influence the outcome instead of keeping my heart open.

    I shut down emotionally, and I just realized it. It was an epiphany.

    I had to stop by his house after work yesterday, and the meeting was quick. My stomach was twisted into knots and my mouth was dry, but I took a deep breath, opened my heart and told him that I was sorry for pushing him away while he was trying to communicate with me. I didn’t ask for his forgiveness and after speaking my truth, I turned around and walked to my car.

    I felt extremely vulnerable and exposed.

    About 15 minutes later, I get a text: “Apology accepted.”

    I have no idea if this will bring him back; I’ve decided that I can’t predict what he’ll do and I can’t help the issue by doing what I have done. All I can do is go back to the place where I felt open and loving.

    And lean back.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:02am

  24. 24: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “he is NOT the type to send me little ‘thank you’ emails”

    Is any man the ‘type’ to do such things? It is my belief that people do what they feel inspired to do. Depending on how we interact with others we can inspire a man to be a hero or we can inspire him to be a bad boy. I would say that keeping the focus on oneself this is a lesson on how to be with a man and an indication that with awareness you can draw a man in and have him do what you want. Sorry if this triggers you, saying he is not the type is really a judgemental thought and putting a person in a box looking at him through a filter. Though you might ‘know’ him you really don’t. Neither does he really know himself. Staying open to being surprised and to learning can create more of these moments as we learn dance steps in relationship. He said thank you because he appreciated how you made him feel with the awareness that you don’t “owe” him anything.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:03am

  25. 25: TamNo Gravatar says:

    21 Mercedes, there is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. How to solve conflict MAKES a relationship, solidifies it and strengthens it.

    There is some interesting literature out there, about how a relationship without conflict is a ‘fantasy bond’ ..created by two people pussy-footing around each other and not being authentic.
    Robert Friestone’s ‘fear of intimacy’ has hundreds of pages, including real live examples of marriages ‘without conflict’…..interesting read.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:04am

  26. 26: TamNo Gravatar says:

    24 FW, true, true.
    And as always, even if we think we know someone, we can be surprised, no?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:05am

  27. 27: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Conflict is not necessarily a screaming fit.
    I do not think healthy people actually have screaming fits..when it gets to that point, something is clearly very wrong.
    Screaming is something babies do to get attention. People who can’t express themselves or feel unheard…and people with mental issues.
    I do not believe a healthy, mature, centered adult would engage in a screaming fit….at least I never saw that.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:08am

  28. 28: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly that is not a boundary. You expressed a preference and he is respecting your request.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:09am

  29. 29: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe some people can bring out the worst in you. That is just how the energy flows between you two. So yes they can trigger the two-year old that goes into screaming.

    I also believe that some people can bring out the best in you.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:12am

  30. 30: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine woman, I feel really angry reading that. I feel like you completely disregarded my feelings, and just focused on “the facts” of my situation. I don’t really care what “it” is, a “boundary” or a “preference,” it f@#$% HURTS, and even if it’s completely FABRICATED IT FEELS REAL TO ME.

    Not angry at you, really.

    Just…ugggg.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:13am

  31. 31: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Daria

    When you write about what you hope and pray for, the word that comes to mind is
    “Harmony”.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:14am

  32. 32: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post and especially the advice. It reminds me of some of the stuff Dominique and I talk about. It’s all about taking care of ourselves and really noticing what our bodies are telling us. Of course (because I am who I am and I always give this advice too) my favorite part was suggesting she meditate. That to me is like a springboard to the rest of it…it’s what centers me so I can go on the rest of the healing journey with a clear mind and a love for myself.

    Very, very good post! Nicely done Rori! Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:14am

  33. 33: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Looking at it more logically, that totally makes sense…

    He’s trying not to be my friend, what else is the poor kid supposed to do?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:15am

  34. 34: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I’m wondering, what kind of man is he?

    He is a normal man. They can close off their emotions. Compartmentalize and go into workaholic or whatever they choose. It is a reason why many men stonewall women.

    I believe women do something similar when we build walls internally and shut down our hearts. When we are there men can’t connect with us because they can’t feel.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:17am

  35. 35: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: “I also believe that some people can bring out the best in you.” Yes…this is absolutely true and I believe anyone can manifest the relationship they desire. My desire is to be with a man who brings out the best in me and who gives me the opportunity to bring out the best in him. I love that. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:17am

  36. 36: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel abandoned and guilty.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:17am

  37. 37: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Turns out that in the marriages analysed in the book, which ended in big disasters, the people were married for decades and because they kept this fantasy of the perfect marriage intact, turned out that they didn’t know each other at all. They did not know their dreams and suppressed desires and some did not even know themselves…very interesting read.
    There were big devastating secrets…there were traumas that had just been ignored because the spouse didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’, etc etc.
    The conflict that isn’t dealt with just festers away underneath like a cancer – and in the end after 20 years of marriage or more the spouses didn’t know each other.
    I don’t want that for my life, hence I have to become brave. I am a big conflict avoider – and I learnt the theory of how bad this is…and now I try to put it into practice, and that is soooooo hard.
    No more head in the sand and pretending something doesn’t exist…urgh.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:17am

  38. 38: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:19am

  39. 39: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    We create our reality

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:21am

  40. 40: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    “I believe women do something similar when we build walls internally and shut down our hearts. When we are there men can’t connect with us because they can’t feel.”

    I guess that’s what I’ve been doing, so I can’t expect him to show emotion, if I’m not.

    I don’t know what to do!

    So, I guess the feminine thing to do would be to just sob over how sad I feel right in front of him? right in front of everyone?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:22am

  41. 41: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I’m crying pretty hard right now…this is a lot to process…and I have no idea what’s going on with me or him or…anything…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:24am

  42. 42: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so confused and scared and embarrassed.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:24am

  43. 43: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    20

    ((((Iamabutterfly))))

    Telling the truth about what you want and don’t want even if it hurts is a big step out of imaginary relationships.

    I would not try to figure it out, I would sink into my feelings and let them be my teachers. “Figuring out” mind isn’t the appropriate tool for me for these types of experiences.

    How do you feel about yourself for facing such a difficult truth?
    Don’t you feel brave, courageous and strong, if you really allow yourself to SEE your true self shining through? ;)

    It’s only hard the first time or two, I think. After all of this mess with C, who I told I didn’t want to be friends because the feelings were so strong, I feel like I could be very very resolved in the future to nip this stuff in the bud, I know the pain. Once I acknowledged and felt the burn, I don’t need to put my hand on the hot stove anymore to know it’s hot.

    more hugs…!
    ((((Iamabutterfly))))

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:25am

  44. 44: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (((((lama))))

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:27am

  45. 45: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like this shouldn’t be affecting me the way it is…and I feel embarrassed about that…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:27am

  46. 46: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 37 – Thank goodness that is not reflective of every relationship.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:27am

  47. 47: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    how do I feel about myself for facing such a difficult truth?

    what is the difficult truth?

    how do I feel about myself?

    I feel completely lost and like I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m feeling around in a dark room, trying to find my way, when really, there’s nothing to find.

    I feel complete and total grief for all the love I’ve never had, but “pretended” was there.

    and I don’t just mean from men.

    I mean from everyone…

    and that feels terrifying…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:35am

  48. 48: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I have no idea how to receive, give, or even recognize love…I feel like I push what’s “real” away…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:38am

  49. 49: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    45

    Iama I feel so soft and tender toward you right now.
    I close my eyes, sigh, and feel relaxed…I feel love and acceptance and a compassionate, warm, spaciousness that’s like a clear bubble I feel like I want to hold up around you.

    Love and light and air and warmth come in, and everything else that comes into contact with the bubble that isn’t supportive and nurturing and good for you dissipates like steam when it touches the bubble. It’s a breathable, porous cellular bubble ! I see you surrounded by beautiful mossy caves and waterfalls. How fun! I feel a surge in my heart and tears of joy welling up!
    Thank you for inspiring that in me!!!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:40am

  50. 50: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: You and I share these two thoughts completely:

    “Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.”

    and

    “We create our reality”

    Absolutely true in my life and in my experience. I think so many people have a limiting belief about conflict being necessary that they magnetize it and ensure it shows up in their lives…and then get frustrated because that’s not what they want. That’s not for me AT ALL and I believe, as I said, Daria can manifest the relationship she wants and not the one she’s told she has to have.

    It’s funny because the “belief” seems to be that people without conflict end up divorced but in my experience, people WITH conflict also end up divorced. I got divorced and we had conflict. Actually, I don’t know a single couple who got divorced because they loved each other too much to do things that would trigger the other.

    I believe conflict or the lack of it has nothing to do with relationships working. I believe the strength of the bonding of two hearts, minds, souls and bodies in total and complete love is what determines whether or not a couple will last forever. I believe the commitment J and I have promised each other will hold true for the remainder of our lives. If for some reason it doesn’t (like because we don’t fight or yell at each other), at least I will know that both of us believed in us even though a lot of people in today’s society didn’t. That alone will feel really, really good about how we chose to see our relationship and lives together.

    I love him very, very much and he loves me too and as cliche as it sounds, love can conquer all. For us, it has conquered a lot and will continue to do so as long as we stay bonded. That’s my reality.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:42am

  51. 51: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel intrigued by what you wrote on the last thread, and I also feel intrigued by Mercedes response.

    I feel like it could help me right now for some reason…

    “Honestly I want to feel safe that if I DO have screaming blowout fights, that it IS the end, and that it’s ok forcmecto leave.

    I really really don’t want that in my life.

    Praying on my knees please God I want a life without that is that possible for me.”

    *flashback*

    I remember feeling so empty because I wanted him to get angry, or to feel angry, or to feel his anger myself and I didn’t see anything and I didn’t feel anything, and it confused me so much.

    He feels nothing…

    Why doesn’t he feel anything?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:43am

  52. 52: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    48

    Iama

    “I have no idea how to receive, give, or even recognize love…I feel like I push what’s “real” away”

    I would question these thoughts. Are they true? How do I feel when I believe these thoughts? Who would I be without these stories?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:43am

  53. 53: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    this is still a flashback…

    when he walked away, I definitely felt something.

    I felt intense sadness radiating from him.

    I felt his “not good enough.”

    I felt his “I let you down”

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:44am

  54. 54: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Iama: I think Rori’s advice to “Jen” in the post here is fantastic advice. It can be used for any healing path in my opinion. If I were you, I would read it carefully and start putting as many of those things into practice as you can. Your heart needs healing right now and you have lots of people here who care and who will uplift and support you through that process. Then, as you begin to care for yourself, I believe you will manifest amazing things. Now it’s time for you to believe that too.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:47am

  55. 55: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @52 Beloved – honestly, that doesn’t even make sense to me right now…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:47am

  56. 56: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ‘so many people have a limiting belief about conflict being necessary that they magnetize it and ensure it shows up in their lives…and then get frustrated because that’s not what they want’

    those are the people, presumably, that don’t live in lala land and have authentic relationships with their spouses…conflict resolution is that which causes the frustration to GO AWAY.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:49am

  57. 57: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @54 Mercedes – I think you’re right. I feel scared and apprehensive to go through all the muck of healing. but I have to…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:51am

  58. 58: TamNo Gravatar says:

    believing that conflict is ‘bad’, and ‘yelling’ and ‘screaming’ – now that is the biggest limiting belief that I ever saw.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:51am

  59. 59: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want a fantasy bond, I want a real living and breathing relationship with all the authenticity I can possibly have.
    Now, that is the difficult stuff. And its where the good stuff is.
    Living in la la land and denial and doormatting is the easy stuff..been there and done that.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:55am

  60. 60: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Iama: For us, it’s not about “not feeling anything”. We do feel. We feel passionately. What we don’t do is anything that hurts the other person. That is a priority for us. We communicate and we do it with love, empathy and understanding. But we do feel.

    I don’t know why he “didn’t feel anything” and I don’t know that he didn’t. My guess is he felt a LOT and simply chose not to share those feelings.

    ((((((((Iama)))))))) You have my warm thoughts to help you through this time.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:55am

  61. 61: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    all the men in my life have never felt “enough” for me, because, quite simply, they are not. From my Dad, trickling all the way down to all the men I’ve known into my late twenties…

    this isn’t about men.

    this is about me.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:56am

  62. 62: TamNo Gravatar says:

    lama, exactly. It’s all about you! :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  63. 63: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies: I hate having things I say twisted around because it makes me want to go into explaining mode and generally, because I want to go into explaining mode, I do it. So….just to be clear about why I’m even talking about this….the word “screaming” was carried over here by me from the previous thread. I was keeping the conversation with Daria in tact so it would make sense what I was talking about. The original comment came from Starla and I was simply offering a different take on what Daria can have if she wants it:

    “i want to be able to argue, even have screaming blow out fights”

    That sentence is not what I want at all and not what I have in my life. That’s all I was saying.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:03am

  64. 64: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Mercedes.

    I feel like J wrote that, speaking from a man’s perspective?

    i feel like I’m going completely insane…

    now I feel kinda giggly…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:03am

  65. 65: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so much appreciation for Rori’s advice in this post.
    I read it before I left for work this morning and was thinking about the suggestions to give up gluten and sugar – as I stopped through a drive through to pick up a biscuit and a latte.

    I noticed that I have been telling myself that I can’t spend $6 on Truvia for my daily hot chocolate, which will last a couple of weeks,
    But I can spend $10 in one week on lattes?

    I can’t be bothered to make oatmeal for myself in the morning, but I can get it at the fast food place and spend 4x as much, with ingredients I don’t like as much as the stuff I make for myself?

    Errors in thinking corrected in 3…2…1!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:04am

  66. 66: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    People get divorced not because they HAVE conflict, but because they have no idea how to resolve it. The resentment builds and festers and creates a stack of papers between the magnet & steel, that were formerly attracted strongly. The paper dulls the attraction, kills the relationship. Getting rid of the papers restores it. No, I do not believe in a relationship without conflict. However, I strongly believe in one where both parties know how to resolve it without blaming, without attacking each other…but rather attacking the issue itself.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:04am

  67. 67: TamNo Gravatar says:

    it’s about you being about you, and a man being about you.

    I kind of knew it. And Curly confirmed that. Even though nothing comes of it, a good man who loves you and can do relationship will be ‘all about you’
    (his favourite sentence).

    The boys are all about themselves.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:04am

  68. 68: TamNo Gravatar says:

    66 Curvy…yes, yes, yes. EXACTLY.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:04am

  69. 69: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Iama: Nope…J didn’t write that. lol. He could read it and we might never know that but he promised me he would never post here as me. If we ever hear from him out here, it will be because he created his own “profile”, spent time waiting for his first comment and gave Rori his email address…just like the rest of us. LOL.

    It was me, but in my experience, men feel a lot…just like us. Some men choose not to share their feelings, others do…just like us.

    I’m happy to see you feeling giggly! :-) That made me smile.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:08am

  70. 70: TamNo Gravatar says:

    actually, that is where the real work is…attacking the issue not each other. And that is sooo hard.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:09am

  71. 71: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren10: I see where you are coming from and I believe that most people see it that way too. I just don’t have that same experience in my current situation. Although I certainly did at one time. That’s true for sure!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:11am

  72. 72: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    I know y’all are discussing Iama’s truth and I feel good knowing that she has support here. I’m too new to offer my insight, but she has my support, too. <3

    I thought to update on my earlier comment (23):
    Phillip emailed, expressing concern about the weather and that I am safe. While I am responding to his emails for the most part, I am trying to be open and loving – and leaning back.

    Just when I think this is easy, it gets difficult again. ;-)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:11am

  73. 73: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @49 Beloved – I feel so protected and nutured (I have no idea how to spell that) reading that. Thank you.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:15am

  74. 74: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    NewfMom: “Just when I think this is easy, it gets difficult again.”

    I feel that too on my own journey. I think maybe it’s because we have more to learn and if it gets too easy, we stop paying attention to the lessons that come our way everyday. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:16am

  75. 75: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 50 It’s funny because the “belief” seems to be that people without conflict end up divorced but in my experience, people WITH conflict also end up divorced.

    Mercedes we must be from the same planet :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:17am

  76. 76: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    NewfMom I believe you are doing beautifully well.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:18am

  77. 77: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: Yes…somehow we are connected. Whether that be because of our planet or because of our souls is hard to say but I’m more inclined to think it’s because of our souls. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:19am

  78. 78: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes and FW – thank you. I find that the support here – even the criticisms – is very helpful.

    You all have my undying respect and admiration.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:20am

  79. 79: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    attacking the issue

    This reminds me of attacking the disease with aggressive treatment/action. I always wonder why it has to be attacked. My perspective is to approach the issue by looking at it from all angles and everyone’s point of view to see if we can find some common ground. If not there might be a third way.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:20am

  80. 80: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @72 NewfMom – Thank you!!!! and no one is “too new” to offer insight. ;)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:20am

  81. 81: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I’d still rather have an authentic relationship and end up divorced, than a fantasy bond and end up divorced.
    Uhmmmm….two people are not the same unless you clone them. This means there is always some kind of conflict somewhere. It can be denied and brushed under the carpet of course.
    I chose to live like that before. Was the root of all my problems. Pretending.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:22am

  82. 82: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    there is always some kind of conflict somewhere – what a belief

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:24am

  83. 83: TamNo Gravatar says:

    79 FW, if you look at current writing on conflict resolution you will find this sentence as a catchphrase:

    ‘attacking the issue and not each other’

    It’s just a way of saying what you’ve said…trying to look at it, trying to understand the other person…and take care of the issue.
    Rather than hiding in a hole and pretending it is not there – or the other extreme: attacking and screaming. Neither of these work long term. I know because I have been there, and I guess all of us have in one way or another.

    I briefly worked for someone who was involved in conflict resolution and therefore read a lot of literature. I am somewhat surprised that the so called experts on the issue here, are not keeping up to date on current theory…this would be the backbone of what they are saying, rather than mumbo jumbo about not having conflict…every psychologist out of grad school knows that this is just not possible in human society.
    Ask one.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:26am

  84. 84: TamNo Gravatar says:

    82 FW, again, not a belief. It’s human nature.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:27am

  85. 85: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    *nurtured. I had to go there…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:28am

  86. 86: TamNo Gravatar says:

    There are so many beautiful books on the subject and beautiful studies that have been carried out.
    ….most books about fear of intimacy have a chapter on it.
    Even having boundaries – creates conflict often.
    This is what we talk about here all the time.
    Using feeling messages to deal with this.
    Am I now on a different planet?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:29am

  87. 87: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    83 Tam…

    “attacking the issue and not each other’

    It’s just a way of saying what you’ve said…trying to look at it, trying to understand the other person…and take care of the issue.”

    EXACTLY what I was trying to say. Attack is simply a metaphorical term. Facing it. Dealing with it. Looking at it. ACKNOWLEDGING it. The resolution always comes with understanding and empathy.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:33am

  88. 88: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    (((((Tam and Feminine woman)))) – I feel intrigued by your discussion, as you are kind of “arguing” about “arguing.” Wonder what can be learned!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:33am

  89. 89: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning ladies,
    I’m hearing a lot about the Modern Siren program. I haven’t tried it yet. Have any of you? Does it work? I’m open to changes in myself. :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:36am

  90. 90: TamNo Gravatar says:

    87, precisely Curvy :)
    Of course, we can close our eyes and pretend it’s not there and we live in fairy land.
    Each to their own.
    Even with a best friend I can have conflict. How do we solve it? We talk about it and how we feel….once we got it out of the way, the relationship is stronger and the ‘love’ bigger…my best friend and I have been so close for 30 years. Because we are authentic with each other.
    Now I need to learn to be able to do this with a man.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:36am

  91. 91: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I look at it through the lens of “what you focus on grows”. For me moving away from the consciousness of “attacking” the issue helps me to change my vibe and the way I deal with conflict. Even in the hammer. I want to soft on the outside so when it comes to human relationships “attack” don’t work for me anymore. No matter whose suggestion/fact/opinion it is. For close relationships it has no place in my consciousness or psyche. I consciously choose and commit to dealing with conflict or issues from a place of attacking. It might just be sematics for some but for me it isn’t because I now believe in choosing with awareness. That is just me…..

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:38am

  92. 92: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mean “even in the office”.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:39am

  93. 93: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I like CCarter’s analogy of using the velvet hammer. Whenever differences show up that is the image I conjure up in my head to stop myself from attacking anything.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:40am

  94. 94: TamNo Gravatar says:

    91 FW, that is just what we were saying though…actually. NOT attacking the person or the actual relationship.
    This translates into all areas of life.
    For example work. A problem, just because we take away our focus, will not resolve itself.
    That is my ostrich, head in the sand thinking.
    It hasn’t worked for me in 36 years, perhaps it works for others, but frankly I am doubtful.
    And I don’t see this in Rori’s stuff either.
    I see the ‘get it out, be authentic, speak your truth in a non-attacking and non-blaming way’.
    This is what we talk about here all the time.
    Not sticking heads in the sand.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:42am

  95. 95: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Attack is simply a metaphorical term”

    Maybe for some but not for me. The vibe, the energy around that word is too strong for me, in the context of relationships. For me, attack and harmony no longer work in the same crucible.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:43am

  96. 96: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ah, I get it, the word feels bad.
    Well, it is just a conflict resolution catch phrase that I have seen and read about before…
    we could of course say ‘deal with the issue’
    but the reason why it is used is to explain that people often ‘attack’ each other…and instead of doing that they ought to ‘attack’ the problem.
    ‘tackle’ the problem instead of each other?
    Get the thesaurus out ;)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:49am

  97. 97: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Two of my favorite Thich Naht Hanh quotes (two of my many, many favorites…):

    “For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.”

    “I have noticed that people are dealing too much with the negative, with what is wrong…Why not try the other way, to look into the patient and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?”

    We can focus on the negative and be on alert for it and attack it quickly when it shows up and get back into position and ready to attack again. OR…we can lose our views that say “the negative HAS to be there” and we can instead focus on the positive, touch those things and make them bloom.

    I choose option two. I understand and believe that is not for everyone. It is for me and it is for J and we have made a conscious decision to care for each other in this way and we always will.

    Hopefully that does not lead to a break up but if it does, I know a blog I can go to and get all kinds of support…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:50am

  98. 98: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday FavoriteCD contact me 12 hours after I text him good morning. (He is traveling for work and out of the state this week) I have been struggeling with the whole communication issue and my feelings about it all. Not being quite sure what to say and how to say it.

    I have encountered some great advice and things to consider around this issue. I have been some self examination about my attitudes, feelings etc. THis is all triggering for me and I am glad. I want to feel firm and settled about my wants and dont wants. I dont want to feel fear about communicating them to anyone either. I have not felt settled or fear-less. So I have been investing energy in geting this done for ME.

    In the end my feelings are my feelings even the needy ones. Embracing them and facing them has been a good for me.

    I like communication. I believe it is vital to a healthy relationship. It creates they connection that I want and need in a relationship. I also see that I have this preference because communication affords reassurance that the person is still interested and engaged in the relationship. Not a bad thing in itself but can drive some pretty unhealthy thought and behavior in me because of my past experiences with men if I leave them go unchecked pre-Rori ness.

    Monday I mentioned to FavoriteCD (as the moment presented itself) a bit about this issue for me i.e. unreturned phone calls and or texts that hang in cyberspace indefinately. He asked if I left a message and I said no… so he asked me leave one. Point taken
    Ok yesterday when he called I said “it is so nice to hear your voice”. he said something… ” I said, ” I text you this morning and even left a message when I called you today, I was beginning to feel unsure and ignorned”…. there was my true feeling out there on the table. He jokingly said.. “I think I have just been scolded” laughing after that. I said ” Oh no, that is not my intention at all, I am just sharing how I feel”. He said. “I know we talked about this the other day point taken honey”. We continued talking warmly as usual. Inside I felt a bit of panic. Hmmmm For sharing my feelings?? That feels most scarey to me!! I took another baby step that felt like a Giant step to me. My past experiences with men created this fear because I did not use to be that way at all! I promised myself to take good care of myself and be a safe place for me! It should not be hard but it is proving to be. Also I have experienced that this man did not shut down or backed away from me thru two issues that have been really important to me. Today, he text me quite early. I know I am not responsible for him or his thoughts or reactions… just me.

    I have to be willing to fearlessly be me and express myself healthily” post Rori-ness. I am wanting to feel secure in myself first and with the man in my life whomever that is. SO…today is another day on my journey to that goal.

    Ok.. so whether I did it right or not, said it right or not, I

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:53am

  99. 99: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Conflict is not intrinsically negative. Sigh.
    Feeling bored with this. Suggest a trip to the library on current psychology, fear of intimacy and relationship/marriage conflict resolution.
    For those who would like to educate themselves.
    For those who don’t, well, don’t.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:55am

  100. 100: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I was inspired to keep reading his quotes. I took a second to be in the moment, to, as he says “smile, breathe and go slowly” and I came across this little gem. I think I will post it on my wall for today and spend my moments in joy:

    “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

    Today, I choose joy.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:08am

  101. 101: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes – great quotes and such insight!

    Focusing on the positive allows for acceptance of the negative. Not necessarily liking it, but knowing that for the good, there has to be the bad.

    :-D

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:08am

  102. 102: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam it is not my intention to frustrate you.

    I looked up the word on the Internet. No matter where we look, book/library/internet, whatever we find it is my opinion that it is someone else’s perception/explanation/choice of how tp describe. I choose the approach that feels best to me because of what I want in my consciousness.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:12am

  103. 103: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly – 51 – How do you know he doesn’t feel anything? Just because you don’t observe a reaction doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel.

    K does not show his painful emotions at all. Sometimes he will surprise me, and say something regarding something I thought he didn’t really care about or pay much attention to.

    Turns out he doesn’t want to think about things which hurt, especially if it was in the past or if it’s something he can do nothing about.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:13am

  104. 104: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Part of my meditation this morning was doing Matt Clarkson’s Core Energy Technique of focussing internally and smiling from the heart and letting it radiate through every cell in my body. Aaaah it felt so refreshing and healing.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:15am

  105. 105: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly – 61 – There it is….

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:19am

  106. 106: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    NewfMom: #101 Hmmmm….I don’t think I can believe there HAS to be bad. I believe there is a LOT of it in this world but I also believe that peace is possible. I don’t believe most people feel the same way about it as I do but I do believe that if we would all simply focus on the good things in life, by the power of attraction alone, the bad things would disappear.

    That’s the way it has worked for me in many, many of my relationships (one fine example would be the relationship I have with Dominique. At first, I focused on what I perceived as the negative. Now, she is my dear, dear friend and we have not had an ounce of conflict. Not a glimmer of it.).

    Now, I need to learn how to apply that to my job. I do see the negative in my career and I need to learn to touch the positive. It’s not been easy for me.

    I also see the negative in other areas of my life. I would like to get past this.

    I think this just sparked something amazing in my heart. I believe I need to focus my meditation on this one for a bit. I also think I need to write a blog post soon and use this topic. My heart is kind of racing with my thoughts on this and my feelings surrounding it….

    Interesting…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:20am

  107. 107: TamNo Gravatar says:

    101 NewfMom – this is so true.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:24am

  108. 108: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I like what’s being said about the difference between boys & men. I’ve dated alot of boys. I wasn’t ready for a real, long term relationship. I was much more focused on exploring myself, & life. Another person didn’t really fit into that exploration at the time. I see it now.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:25am

  109. 109: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    by the power of attraction alone, the bad things would disappear – This is resonates with me I am eating it up in my cells. Some things have been coming at me recently that have left me mystified. I don’t try to understand it. I just take it as confirmation that I am on the right path and must keep doing what I am doing or maybe doing it better. Men have been falling out of all kind of places offering me all kinds of things I have not been offered in a while. Even disappearing cds texting “I am thinking about you. How you doing”. Might not be much but at least gives me an opportunity to practice appreciation/gratitude and FMs.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:25am

  110. 110: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I believe J and I can manifest the relationship we want and that we have.

    I believe I can choose to heal other relationships and turn those into beautiful, loving connections which will last forever.

    I have not applied this to my career or other areas of discomfort in my life.

    Why?

    What in the world have I been waiting for????

    Wow!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:27am

  111. 111: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    I speak a lot about focusing on what feels good, for you only not only notice this around you more, you will also manifest more. As FW says, “what you focus on grows”.

    Here are three related articles which my help.

    http://sexandheart.com/how-to-tell-if-your-man-is-enough-for-you

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:30am

  112. 112: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes (106): I guess it’s just a matter of perception. Neither is wrong; my own perception stems from my belief system (Druidic), which asserts that in order for good to exist in the world, so does bad. This extends to everything – even within ourselves.

    Perhaps I should have used the word “recognition,” rather than “acceptance.”

    The story of the two wolves (http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html) illustrates my own beliefs quite well.

    Having said that, focusing on the positive allows for it to outshine the bad, just like focusing on the bad blots out the good.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  113. 113: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    http://sexandheart.com/your-the-one-can-have-it-all

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  114. 114: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: “Even disappearing cds texting “I am thinking about you. How you doing”. Might not be much…”

    Might not be much? I think it is a LOT. I think it is a perfect example of how we are connected in ways we’ll never understand. I love it when I cross someone’s mind for no real reason or when someone else crosses mine and I haven’t thought about them in forever. To me, it’s like I just said a little prayer for them whether I consciously wanted to or not. It’s like G0d or the universe or whoever/whatever we believe in just plopped someone else right down in the middle of our prayer because they needed it.

    So maybe you can choose to think of it as a lot rather than not much. Someone or something plopped you right down in the middle of his prayers whether he wanted you there or not. To me, that’s HUGE! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  115. 115: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    http://sexandheart.com/desires

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  116. 116: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    NewfMom – Good and bad are perceptions. There really isn’t good or bad. There are things which FEEL bad though. I think this is an important distinction.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:33am

  117. 117: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    As I said he would, MILW is already asking to see me. (and baby too.) How do I handle this?

    I want our “roommate” gone from our house (a guy who’s doing work in exchange for rent- supposed to leave by march – however he should have been kicked out long ago) –
    I don’t want to NOT live at home! …
    He wants a “year” or “month” break, (plus me to move out) (…that’s why he’s calling?)
    I want to feel I have equal decision making in our home, family and relationship
    I want him to delete all the women he has had sex with on his phone and facebook, or at least go back to making it very clear he is with me and only me. (rlsp status, actions, words)
    I want to know he is serious – none of this rubber banding stuff, pulling me in, pushing me away (maybe it’s up to me to deal with that by also backing away when he does?) – I want to know he’s serious about our family, our relationship, that he is not seeing ANYone else (but he probably wouldn’t think that were fair if *I* was), especially back to being sexually exclusive..

    I feel if I ignore him it pushes him out of my life, what do I do? I don’t really want to see him if he’s seeing others.. don’t really want to start over at the very beginning as tho we’re dating, … we’ve been together for years.

    How do I handle when he’s texting me that he misses me, thinking about me all day, wants to see the baby, wants to have breakfast?

    he’s texting me RIGHT now….

    PS, made a long post yesterday about bipolar/etc and my baby turned the computer off before it got posted!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:33am

  118. 118: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    110

    wow indeed

    that would mean one h*ll of a change in myself though

    Wonder if I can

    Hi ladies

    Really happy to hear about Turq
    :)
    Tam-thats funny about Mr P.You sound like you have your head in the right place though

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:36am

  119. 119: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    NewfMom: I completely and absolutely agree with this 100%: “I guess it’s just a matter of perception. Neither is wrong”

    We all have our own beliefs and perceptions and experiences that guide who we are. None of it is “wrong”, it’s US. :-) And life would be very, very boring if we didn’t have people with different life experiences, beliefs and perceptions to bring freshness into our lives.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:37am

  120. 120: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “Experience the discipline and how that feels”

    woohoo, i feel victorious, like I was right for believing in the Magic of Discipline!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:41am

  121. 121: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am all for HUGE

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:42am

  122. 122: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth hellooooooooo!!!!! Long time no see!!
    Yep, feelin’ good.
    And, strangely, the less men/man I have in my life with their drama, the better I feel. haha!!
    :)
    Curly is missing me – I am not really missing him lol

    MrP thinks I am hot, intelligent and whatever else and I am just shrugging my shoulders..yea yea yea…

    Meanwhile I have a lot of fun…just enjoying my little things..books…dvd’s…candles….the beach….
    Equilibrium. :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:42am

  123. 123: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I feel…yikes!
    I feel!
    Nervousness, upset, fluttery dense feelings in my throat and upper gut.
    G called about tomorrow night – I told him I made other plans.
    I felt sick, I could hardly talk.
    I told him I had expected to hear from him and he said he didn’t know he needed to call me -
    I gave him my phone number and a few times said, yes, give me a call so we can firm up details, time, etc.

    He said he had “thought” about calling me, wondering if he needed to call me…
    maybe some other time?
    I said I’d like that
    Maybe not true, but as all those feelings came up it was the best I could croak out.

    I feel like…yes, this is okay.
    Wild horses won’t keep the right guy away, having some standards certainly won’t.

    This is an interesting practice, allowing people to matter, and not at the same time.

    Ok Miss BeLoved let’s get our work done and we can delve into these feelings in a few….

    ((((BeLoved))))
    Thank you, universe for the opportunity to practice having some standards!!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:43am

  124. 124: jackieNo Gravatar says:

    My husband of 19 yrs came home Jan.15th 2013 told me he’s been seeing some one for a ye now he doesn’t. Know what he wants he’s not. Sure if she feel the way he does we have two kids. One 19 one 17 help

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:43am

  125. 125: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Ive been reading but not posting much
    I an feeling fragile and vulnerable and small at the moment

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:45am

  126. 126: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I really love all those articles Dominique

    They feel very soothing and comforting to read

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:46am

  127. 127: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    BeLoved: That is so awesome! I bet this guy will never ask a woman out in advance and not call to firm up details ever again. :-) You are in his life for a reason…you are a lesson for him the way he is probably a lesson for you. Soooo cool! and Yes…having some standards won’t drive the right man away. It might surprise him a little (there are a lot of women in the world who don’t apply standards to dating) but it won’t drive him away. YAY!!!

    Ruth!!!!!!! How are you???

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:47am

  128. 128: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mercedes
    :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:49am

  129. 129: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Could this “yes, give me a call so we can firm up details, time, etc.” be the key to the response?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:54am

  130. 130: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ladies, any opinions on the Modern Siren program?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:01am

  131. 131: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    admittedly i’m not reading ALL the comments because… id on’t know; i’m lazy.

    i just wanted to say that it sucks to act like a 2 year old screaming with a tantrum, or to have someone bring that out in you, but i absolutely need to know that if it does happen, my man isn’t going to leave me. a crying 2 year old doesn’t deserve to be abandoned, and neither do i.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:04am

  132. 132: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    128

    FW, if you mean what I think you mean, then yes…I could see that in the moment, I knew I leaned forward a little bit
    to break the tension!
    so now here it is again, no getting away from it!

    I am a little freaked out by the intensity of the feelings come up, tears are even rising right now
    and also a little relief.

    I didn’t used to be this touchy – it is stunning to me how deeply traumatized I was by my relationship with T…it’s not childhood stuff coming up, this is being on LSD with a psychopath Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde stuff.
    Oh…that feels like more relief, to acknowledge that.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:06am

  133. 133: TamNo Gravatar says:

    130 Starla…quite true. It’s about feeling safe, in the end. Safe to be who one is even at one’s worst – and not be abandoned.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:07am

  134. 134: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Starla: 130. I completely agree. If it happens, you (we all) should feel secure in the fact that we will not be abandoned. Nobody deserves that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:08am

  135. 135: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    He called this morning for a few minutes. I feel like I leaned towards him this time. I’m regretting doing so now. He was a little on the stressed side.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:08am

  136. 136: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: I don’t have Modern Siren so I can’t really comment too much but I have heard lots of good things about it here on the blog. It certainly sounds (from the comments I’ve read in the past) like one of her best programs.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:10am

  137. 137: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    This article by Dominique reminds me of the Tony Robbins ‘Date with Destiny’ video with the woman from Jersey. She was describing how things would be wonderful after the seminars and then go to sh*t, over and over again. As she was talking, Tony pointed out to the audience how she was showing that fighting and making up was how she knew she felt loved – a childhood pattern.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-the-one-can-have-it-all

    “Or was your family life filled with raised voices, conflict, fireworks? Maybe there was verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse? Maybe all three?

    So love became equated with drama and abuse?

    Depending on your herstory, if this is what you’ve known, then crumbs WILL look and feel like love to you. As will the highly charged interactions.”

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:13am

  138. 138: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, 134, I have so been there and find myself there more than I’d like;). But, it helps me so much to just shower myself with love and forgiveness. i literally say over and over in my head “love to me love to me forgiveness to me forgiveness to me”

    i believe it’s seriously the best thing a girl can do when she feels that way. it keeps her vibe worthy and deserving, not needy and insecure, after a leaning forward episode gone awry.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:15am

  139. 139: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    BeLoved: 136 Thank you for sharing this. I can’t get to Dominique’s blog from here, but I love this and have found it to be very true: “if this is what you’ve known, then crumbs WILL look and feel like love to you. As will the highly charged interactions.”

    Yup. Unless you work on your own internal healing which is always such a good way to change those perceptions. I personally grew up with a lot of abuse (sexual, physical and emotional) but I have done a lot of healing and although I did experience those crumbs being “love”, I no longer have that in my life. I love healing journeys. As hard as they can be at the time, the fact that I made it through (or continue to work through) brings my heart peace. Each step along a journey brings peace to the heart.

    Love it Dominique! Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:23am

  140. 140: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Even if he did notice, he’s probably forgotten about it already. He was stressed over some work stuff. I’m the one who is kicking herself. lol

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:24am

  141. 141: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    OK – I’m going to do what Rori says and use my feelings words.

    I’m feeling like everyone on here is ignoring me haha!

    I feel like I’ve tried to jump in several times. I think maybe its because I’m new? So you dont know me yet – but I’m trying to wedge in here haha! I feel like I know a lot of you because I have been lurking and following all of your stories for quite some time.

    So – tell me – what is the best way to sort of tell my story in order to get some advice from all of you? I feel like you have all been here so long and have so much to offer, and frankly I need some help! :)

    Thanks,
    Elsie

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:25am

  142. 142: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, lol, go ahead and tell your story. There are some great gals with some really good advice on here.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:29am

  143. 143: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    exactly, lori. and what an odd and awful thing to choose to do to yourself — at least from an outsider’s perspective, right?;) I say no one gets to kick me, especially not myself! I’m no hypocrite, right?! :D

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:30am

  144. 144: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    That’s right Starla! lol. I don’t get to kick me either!

    What’s hard is that it doesn’t feel like anything has changed since he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s the same.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:32am

  145. 145: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Elsie! I recommend just telling it. And if enough time goes by with no response, remind us to look at it.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:33am

  146. 146: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – 124 – Big hugs, and remember the offer I made you still hold. Anytime.

    (I feel delighted the articles helped soothe.)

    xxoo

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:35am

  147. 147: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, why is that hard?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:36am

  148. 148: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Because I feel confused. He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but yet we are still talking, laughing, just like we did before. We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks but that’s not different either.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:40am

  149. 149: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: I agree with Starla…sometimes we need a reminder to look at it…especially if several of us are involved in a long conversation that attracts much of the attention. I get the feeling you’ve told your story here in the past and we didn’t offer you any support and I’m so sorry about that. Could you copy and paste it on this thread so we can read it and share with you?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:41am

  150. 150: MelNo Gravatar says:

    In the past, I definitely thought that things like caring for someone when they are sick, or cooking or “organizing” the household were very feminine traits. And it seemed ridiculous to suggest that these things that all “good” wives and mothers do are actually quite masculine energy. I didn’t believe it. It didn’t seem right.

    And like many, because of this belief, I overfunctioned a LOT. And that left no room for me to be able to receive from a man. I did everything; I essentially made him redundant.

    And since finding Rori and practicing a whole bunch, I am feeling so much more feminine and lovely and flowy and calm and open and receptive.

    I was feeling unwell recently and didn’t have an appetite. Mr. A asked me if he could get/make me anything, even if he needed to go out to pick something up. At first I declined (as I wasn’t feeling great), but he asked again. He said he thought it would be best to eat something as my blood sugar tends to drop. He said he wasn’t taking “no” for an answer and would persist until he could bring me whatever my heart desired.

    He’s quite cute when he’s all insistent. He’s all manly and firm and “Nope. Tell me what you want please.”

    I smiled and suggested something and he jumped up to prepare it. He spent 30 min in the kitchen while I rested. He came back with a serving tray and a huge smile. I beamed and “Oooooh-ed” and thanked him for his creation. He said “It makes me feel good to take care of my girl.”

    And that felt very masculine. And I felt very feminine. And I loved it. :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:43am

  151. 151: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Mel: YAY for men who bring us yummy things to eat. :-) And who take care of us when we need it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:46am

  152. 152: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, I always thought the same thing. As a wife (no longer) as a mother and or girlfriend, I thought I was supposed to do those things. I’m Queen of the Overfunctioners. lol. Now, I’m much better about stepping back and not saying anything.

    Unless he asks me to make my homemade Salsa, not happening. He loves it and says it’s the best he’s ever had.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:46am

  153. 153: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Wow
    I feel a rush from the emotional reaction.
    A stress response hit my gut so hard, a few minutes later it was totally acidic.
    I caught myself heading for coffee (because…er…do I really need to add an adrenaline rush and more acid/sugar/fake dairy on top of this?) and got water with a dash of baking soda instead.

    I still feel like I want to jump up and down and shake off all this excess energy!
    If it weren’t so cold I’d go outside and hoop.
    This is a MUCH milder reaction than the one to asking DCD not to call me until his life was on a more even keel. That one left me on the bedroom floor in the fetal position feeling like my gut was going to turn inside out.

    Yay! Progress!
    I feel like I want to leave work and rush to the grocery store and buy lots of healthy, yummy groceries for myself!

    Now that I’m really seeing the damage caused by being entangled with T, I’m noticing the thought
    I can never never never EVER never never EVER talk to that man again. Ever. We bring out the worst in each other. Period. I can see a whole lot of other things he did that I won’t go into here that make him a harmful person to me.

    It’s okay to protect myself from harmful people. It’s okay to have and protect my weakness – it actually makes me stronger, to know my limits.

    I love me.

    Last night I feel asleep to the mantra – “I am a queen, I am a queen, I am a queen,” as in,
    Inanna, Queen of Heaven.
    I’ve done my time in the dark underworld :)
    I am a Queen Queen Queen Queen beautiful beautiful QUEEN yay yay I love that word! It feels so true!!!

    I feel lighter, my gut feels more settled, although some tears are coming up.
    I can let go of believing the lies I was told about me.
    I am a Queen, worthy of a True King.
    No more jesters :D (although he’s welcome to make me squeal with laughter!)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:52am

  154. 154: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, :)

    Lori, Yup. Now I occasionally cook for him or plan something, but it’s more like an 80/20 kind of thing. I do it when I feel like it or if he specifically asks. And that feels good.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:53am

  155. 155: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, wellll were you in a relationship before? or were you not, and it’s actually exactly the same as it always was?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:53am

  156. 156: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, 154, yes, we were in a relationship before. He told me 3 weeks ago he didn’t want to be in a relationship but it’s like nothing has really changed. We are still talking just like before. We may get together next week to talk. not sure.

    He let on this morning that one of his systems went down 3 weeks ago. he’s been really frustrated trying to get it fixed. Hasn’t happened yet.

    Hmm, coincidence that he told me that at the same time?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:56am

  157. 157: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, 80/20 is about perfect for me too. i do love my giving, creative, planning energy, and i never want to stifle it. but it took me a long time to generate the self awareness needed to know when indulging that side of myself was actually stifling intimacy and bonding.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:58am

  158. 158: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: “He told me 3 weeks ago he didn’t want to be in a relationship but it’s like nothing has really changed.”

    Maybe it’s time for you to change it.

    Are you circular dating?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:58am

  159. 159: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    exactly, mercedes. it’s only logical that she’s the one who gets to change things up now. He’ll never know what hit him. muahahahaha. i have a vision of him beating down lori’s door for your attention and love and commitment….

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:00am

  160. 160: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    Ditto.

    I’ve also started directing most of my creative, giving, planning energy towards myself. It feels exciting to rethink my career, and plan stuff for my better good. ;)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:02am

  161. 161: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    had a nap and a healthy, hardy lunch. Feel so much better and centered…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:03am

  162. 162: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, i feel pretty optimistic about your situation. i think a vibe shift is just what’s needed.

    what i mean by that is you start looking at contact from him differently. it’s something he does cuz HE wants to talk to you. he wants to entertain YOU. he wants attention from YOU. when he calls you, it’s not your job to show him how supportive and entertaining you are… at least not beyond your usual wonderful self with any other regular human. instead, you soak up the energy and attention he gives to you like a fern who loves to be watered, and continue to PERMIT his contact in your life as long as it keeps you feeling good in this basic way.

    you are the prize, girl.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:05am

  163. 163: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    lmbo Mercedes and Mel! You two are cracking me up. I am on two dating sites. I’m receiving offers and am flirting and chatting but I haven’t went out with anyone yet.

    He doesn’t know that I’m on the sites. How do I change things up? It’s obvious that he doesn’t really want to lose me while he’s trying to figure things out.

    He’s the kind of man that has had a lot of women in his life. He has said that he doesn’t want that anymore and that I’m different and more complete than any woman he’s known.

    ANY advice or suggestions would be welcomed!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:05am

  164. 164: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    oooh, I like that Starla! When he calls, it’s natural for me to be happy to hear from him. We talk about a lot of different things, laugh, tease.

    I’m thinking that normally he ends the conversation. I think it’s time that I ended the conversation.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:09am

  165. 165: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori! He told you he doesn’t want a relationship! That means he is not in a relationship with you! Date! Please! Real live in person DATES! Find a man who DOES want a relationship!

    If this upsets him (as it upset J when I did it) and if it’s true that “he doesn’t really want to lose me while he’s trying to figure things out” he will figure things out very, very quickly and chase you down. Right now, you are (at least in his mind) sitting around waiting for him to come back and want that relationship. How about you show him you’re not interested in sitting around and tell him that he should call you when he’s got it all together because if you’re still single when he calls, you would absolutely LOVE to have dinner with him…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:12am

  166. 166: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    Well, you gave him the no GF speech. He knows that you’re open to him, but are not going to wait around for him to decide what he wants.

    So… do just that. Don’t wait around. Accept some casual coffee dates. No pressure, it totally doesn’t matter if you hit it off or not because it’s all just fun. Smile and flirt with real people. The barista at the coffee shop, the man behind you at the grocery store, the stranger who holds open the door for you as you’re entering a building.

    Get on with your life. Do things that make you feel happy. Try to make a list of all the things you have ever wanted to do, but never have. And do them. One by one.

    Plan a trip. By yourself or with friends. Even if it takes you a while to save.

    Make a personal goal or two.

    Life your life. If he wants to be a part of it, he will come around. By then you will likely not be interested anyways. Because you will have your pick from dozens of great men.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:14am

  167. 167: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah…what Mel said!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:15am

  168. 168: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, I’m planning on it. I’ve been invited out and will accept, even though it’s not something that I’m very thrilled about. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else.

    Am I supposed to let him know that I’m accepting invitations out? Otherwise, how would he even know that I was dating?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:16am

  169. 169: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    You absolutely do not have to let him know anything. You already told him you will not wait. He KNOWS he has no claim on you unless he steps up.

    He will sense the change in your vibe. He will notice that you’re not as available as you used to be. He will FEEL the change.

    And he may (or may not) be thus inspired to take action.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:19am

  170. 170: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hm. I wonder if I should be a lover rather than a girlfriend. Actually, I do not feel inspired to commit to Curly…and the thought of committing to anyone right now is kind of weird.
    Maybe I ought to just commit to myself right now.
    And to stuff that feels good.
    No sleepovers, just dates and fun and being taken to fun things….

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:20am

  171. 171: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: You can take that how it comes (personally, I told J but it doesn’t necessarily have to go that way). There’s no real reason to tell him. He’s the one who ended the relationship with you so it’s really none of his business but since you are still talking daily, I’d be open about it (again…do what feels right).

    It doesn’t matter at all whether he “knows you are dating” or not. You are not in a relationship with him!!!! He does not want a relationship!!!! Dating other men is not about whether or not he ever knows you are dating. What difference would it make if he knows or not? You are single, right? You just had your man tell you he does not want to be in a relationship with you, right? Forget what he knows or doesn’t know or whatever. Tell him if it feels right to tell him. Don’t tell him if that feels better. Doesn’t matter. He isn’t your boyfriend and the sooner you fully realize that in your heart the more excited you will be about going on out these dates with the future love of your life…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:24am

  172. 172: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    And Mel’s thoughts about vibe and “feeling” that change…. Yup! That’ll happen!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:26am

  173. 173: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Actually Mel, I never told him I wouldn’t wait, he told me he didn’t want me to wait on him and possibly miss an opportunity. I never told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. This was totally his decision.

    I did tell him that I would not chase him and that he knew how to find me if he wanted to talk to me.

    In the meantime, believe me, I’m going on with my life. I’m very busy with my work, my kids, my friends. I do make plans to do things and have a lot of activity. It just doesn’t involve a man. Frankly, they feel yucky to me. lol!

    But, I know I need to do this so am going to.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:26am

  174. 174: TamNo Gravatar says:

    …that would also mean I can still date Chubby and anyone else who shows up, send naughty messages to MrP and get him all hot and bothered…and then disappear.
    and not feel guilty about anything.
    Hehe.
    I feel mischevious… :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:28am

  175. 175: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    so the dating changes my vibe? My energy?

    It is fun to flirt and laugh.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:28am

  176. 176: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “he told me he didn’t want me to wait on him and possibly miss an opportunity”

    I agree with him completely. Don’t miss out on a single opportunity. Date them all! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:29am

  177. 177: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Gees, I could be busy every evening! lol! He had said something about us seeing each other next week to talk. I’m not going to bring it up. We’ll see what he does.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:34am

  178. 178: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: Right! Continue with your plans and if you are free when he wants to meet with you and if you want to meet with him then accept. If you are tied up then turn him down. Enjoy this! I know that sounds hard, but you have an opportunity to see just how much he doesn’t want to lose you and at the same time you’ll get to meet lots of new men. Enjoy this! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:36am

  179. 179: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    You’re right Mercedes, I guess I’ve been scared that if I wasn’t available to him when he had time because of his schedule, that he would move on but…we aren’t in a relationship. He will either step up or he will let me go.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:39am

  180. 180: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    jackie – Please get some private coaching or a program right NOW – you can try Mort Fertel – he’s great, I suggest primarily you start with my ebook and start COMMUNICATING with your husband in a completely NEW and DIFFERENT way, that you change your hair and colors so that YOU feel different – and approach this as a “dating” issue for yourself. I totally believe you and your familiarity have the advantage here…and you have to know what to do and make the shifts inside you and outside you as quickly as you can. This is always about sex and emotional safety, and you can bring back both while you heal anger, boredom and resentment . Love, Rori

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:47am

  181. 181: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    he will let me go – Lori he has let you go. Read your words. If he is that busy how will he be able to step up for someone else?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:50am

  182. 182: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh, Mel’s post about not being the giving, overfunctiony woman in the relationship was just in time. Something just happened that reaffirms everything she said!

    Last night, QZ left his cell phone in my car on accident. He just came to pick it up from me at my job. When I went out to meet him, I had thoughts of maybe giving him a little hand massage or a quick shoulder rub, cuz i know how stressed he gets when he loses that damn phone (lol), and i also wanted to ‘show’ him how nice it is to see me in the middle of the day.

    Fortunately, before I could remember when I had in mind, he wrapped me up in his arms to protect me form the cold breeze, and started massaging MY back. and i just melted. and he started gushing about how it sucks to lose his phone but he feels lucky cuz it means he gets to see me so soon after our last date. and that he likes to see me in my ‘adorable’ work clothes.

    so it seems as though he just might be quite inspired to visit me more in the middle of our work day for lunches and quick visits, but not because i gave him an amazing shoulder or hand rub. It’s all just cuz i am my regular self and let him give to me and i melt when he’s around.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:51am

  183. 183: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I get that but he hasn’t totally let me go because he’s still calling. He’s still being the same way he was before. Talk about mixed signals.

    I’ve accepted a coffee date. I just want to have fun.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:53am

  184. 184: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, that’s awesome! I get what you mean. When he was telling me the issue he was having with work, I had to stop myself from offering to help. ugh. I just said “I’m sorry, that is stressful”.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:55am

  185. 185: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    *fortunately, before i could remember *what* i had in mind

    typossssss

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:55am

  186. 186: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lori, i would really encourage you not to perceive this man’s actions as “mixed signals.” it’s not. he said straight up that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. the way he’s acting right now (calling you and flirting with you) doesn’t conflict with his statement in the slightest.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:57am

  187. 187: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sue – You’re not going to like this – but if you’re participating in fighting, instead of building an emotional bond with him – you’re basically destroying the relationship. And I can tell from your “have a good day and stay safe” that you’re a big overfunctioner and “nurturer,” and don’t know how to be a “girl.” Please read everything you can here, participate, and download my ebook NOW. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:59am

  188. 188: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, me, if I wasn’t interested in someone, I would not call them nor would I be flirtatious with them.

    So do I just move on then? Frankly, men make me want to barf. lmbo!

    I know I can’t allow myself to close off so, yes, I’m going to CD. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by it.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:59am

  189. 189: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    no lori, you like him and you don’t have to move on. the “rori raye 3rd way” means you keep entertaining him as a CD, but you date others. try for at least 3. treat them all the same in terms of who gets your time.

    i know you wouldn’t call up a guy and flirt with him unless you wanted more. i totally get it. i’ve learned that men and women can be sooo different in this way.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:03am

  190. 190: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i also agree you don’t have to tell him diddly squat about dating others. and to be honest, i think if you told him now or in the near future, explicitly, “i am dating others,” or even hinting at it deliberately, it might actually reek of desperation.

    if you just date others, he will pick up on it. seriously, men are animal species and most are able to pick up on it, at least subconsciously.

    for example, i took a new date to a birthday party a couple of years ago, my ex entered the room and greeted me very platonically, and my new date suddenly got physically possessive over me, wrapping me up in his arms and offering me a drink, even though my date had no way of knowing this was my ex boyfriend greeting me. instincts and biology will work to our advantage here. no need to say a thing to inspire them.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:07am

  191. 191: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    C said I needed to give him time, when I mentioned I had some discomfort around the sex stuff. I don’t feel right “giving him time” though. Why should I give him time? Why should I “help him?” get comfortable with me in bed? That’s not my job and I can feel the resentment coming on just at the thought of it.
    But part of me prefers this thought to letting him go completely. I haven’t called him back in a couple of days.
    I’m afraid. I want to let go of the fear, and do what’s right for me, even if it takes courage.

    Is it ok to tell him I adore so many things about being him but I don’t feel we’re a match sexually? Is that honest or unkind?

    I want this to be over. I resent this challenge. But I know it’s here to help me to get what I want in my life. I am going to move through it as gently as I can.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:07am

  192. 192: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling motivated :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:08am

  193. 193: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, hi!

    Sometimes for me it’s hard to tell if someone is your processing or actually waiting for a reply/response.

    No one here ‘ignores’ anyone, mostly I respond to posts that relate to me and I do read all posts but it’s hard to read longer posts in detail.

    If you are wanting a specific question answered put it in a separate shorter post so more likely to be seen, if all else fails just ask again lol!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:12am

  194. 194: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lori – he hasn’t totally let me go

    Believe his words. Are you saying you would allow him to string you along like his puppet or puppy?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:12am

  195. 195: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Starla 189, thank you for saying this. I was feeling a little discouraged as I do not want to give up on him. But, I know I need to shake things up.

    He did get a little possessive when we were talking. He had said I was sweet. When I laughed and said he’s the only one that calls me that (mainly because I’m usually considered feisty), he said that no one else has permission to call me sweet. Hmm, really.

    Do men sense when there are other men in the picture? Even from a distance?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:14am

  196. 196: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW 194, oh heck no!

    Ladies, I’m not just sitting home waiting on him. I don’t have enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. I work a lot, am launching a new business, I hike, dance, meet friends for coffee. do things with my kids. I am really busy. It’s the men dept that I don’t make much time for.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  197. 197: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens, I am running out of ways to ‘melt’ over amb cd and it would feel great to get a few more feeling messages under my belt… Here are the ones I have so far… I feel excited in the anticipation of receiving some more ideas!!

    Aw, that feels great to hear!

    My little face lit up hearing that!

    I feel sky blue inside ( thanks daria)

    Im feeling all smiley

    It feels great to see your name on my phone when you text

    I feel all melty when you talk like that

    I can feel my cheeks turning pink, blush 

    That feels great to receive

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  198. 198: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “If a man is out of sorts, not in his happy loving vibe, do NOT try to cheer him up. Meet him where he is at Whatever is going on its not yours to fix. And the moment you try he’s gonna get angry.

    If he’s angry say “wow I hear how angry you are. Today must be really shit”.

    These are Rori’s words. I would tweak this script a little and replace the ““I’m sorry, that is stressful” with it.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  199. 199: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile only you really know how you feel. I noticed you didn’t say anything about your heart.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:18am

  200. 200: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Or how your stomach feels. Or if you feel lit up inside by something.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:18am

  201. 201: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    One I like and use even with friends is “I love the music of your voice. It helps me enjoy the joy of a rich conversation”.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:19am

  202. 202: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    agreed FW. He was out of sorts this morning, I didn’t offer to help, I would have done that previously. I just said “I’m sorry”.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:19am

  203. 203: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “My little face lit up hearing that! ”

    I like “I feel all lit up hearing that”

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:21am

  204. 204: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    So, I’m stepping away from sugar for a while, unless it’s natural fruit sugars/agave. I thought I would miss my vegan brownies more than I actually do. It’s interesting how the mind works when it comes to these things. Creatures of habit, really.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:23am

  205. 205: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lori,

    I totally agree with Mercedes. Change ur attitude and u change the game. Build expectations and mystery don’t quickly answer everytime he calls, call back in an hour or 2, dont give any explinations just a warm “hi, you called me ?” don’t stay forever on the phone like u have all day to talk, wait for a moment of silence and end the conversation first “well,it was nice talking to you, have a great day talk to you soon,bye”. Same goes if he texts or sends an email, it’s even better when your r texting ! take ur time to lean back read what he says and to come up with an appropriate answer , 5 minutes should do it, don’t say “lol” all the time, if he texts u stuff like “i miss u” remember that these are just words just send a smiley or a wink . If ur doing something when he contacts u call him back after ur done or answer again warm and open “hi, i’m feeling good thank you, listen i’m doing…can u call me back ? thanks” That will help you change ur vibe big time. Just think about how at ease you are around a man you are not attracted too, cool, warm, open but since he’s not your man, your focus is not on him when you are around him, but on yourself ! If he invites u out, show him u r not on his schedule decline or suggest another time “i’d love that, but tomorrow is not a good time for me, how about friday ? what do u think? ok great ! see you friday bye !” My point is even you do go out on dates and you are living your life, if all he has to do is call or text or email and you are ALWAYS available, always ready to see him when HE feels like it, you will still be sending the message that even tought u clearly stated u dont want a relationship with me,i’m here ! all you have to do is press that dial button. He will feel without you saying anyhting that yeah you like/love him but he no longer have a hold on you, he will then have to decide if he wants you or not, if he does he’s gonna have to step it up.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:23am

  206. 206: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    200, I feel giggly,

    I don’t even know how my stomach feels lol apart from maybe… A bit squishy!

    Could you maybe give me and example? I understand the heart reference but it feels hard to create a feeling message around this.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:23am

  207. 207: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve also started teaching myself Portuguese. I figure I should, since I want to teach Samba in the future. Now if only I could tackle my living space. Yikes.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:25am

  208. 208: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 194 – Lori give us, him, everyone around you the pleasure of understanding that feeling of excitement you get when you’re getting ready to walk out the door to explore something new. “Let him experience the way you light up and vibrantly enjoy talking about things you do in your recreational time.” Let it radiate out into the world.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:25am

  209. 209: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve also started teaching myself Portuguese. I figure I should, since I want to teach Samba in the future. Now if only I could focus on my living space. Yikes.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:26am

  210. 210: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry for the double posting.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:27am

  211. 211: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – hard yes because your attention should be focussed internally as you ask yourself “what am I feeling” “how am I feeling”. Tune into yourself and the words will come. I know how my stomach feels.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:27am

  212. 212: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    moving magic, i love the portuguese language! and i am proud of you for kicking sugar to the curb for a while.

    Pe, this is awesome advice. you have a natural talent for it, it feels like! it’s nice to have you posting here:)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:38am

  213. 213: PeNo Gravatar says:

    lol Thanks Starla ! i try to do my best, feel free to ask me for help on anything :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:41am

  214. 214: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Starla. :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:43am

  215. 215: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile you can also use oooooos and aaaahhhhs as you smile from your heart. He will feel it.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:45am

  216. 216: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    That sounds amazing Pe. Feeling our life up with yumminess is the way to go.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:45am

  217. 217: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Pe: This is exactly how I feel about it and what I needed to change about my reactions to J when I first allowed him back into my life. I had to make sure I did NOT put his call/text/email/date request over my own life and I had to make sure that everything else about my life carried a super high priority:

    ” My point is even you do go out on dates and you are living your life, if all he has to do is call or text or email and you are ALWAYS available, always ready to see him when HE feels like it, you will still be sending the message that even tought u clearly stated u dont want a relationship with me,i’m here ! all you have to do is press that dial button. He will feel without you saying anyhting that yeah you like/love him but he no longer have a hold on you, he will then have to decide if he wants you or not, if he does he’s gonna have to step it up.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:49am

  218. 218: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m sorry” – why are you apologizing? It sends a doormatty suggestion if you did nothing wrong.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:51am

  219. 219: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    *Filling. Not feeling. Fitting typo though. Hehe

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:53am

  220. 220: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, Yes ! A good man values, loves, stays with and marries a high value woman. Even if you don’t feel like it that’s ok we won’t tell ah ah but ACT like it.

    MovingMagic, sure is is :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:54am

  221. 221: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I’m contemplating Roris programs. Who has her Modern Siren program, & what do you think?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:55am

  222. 222: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    MM: I’m teaching myself Portuguese too. Using Rosetta Stone but haven’t dedicated enough time to it. I need to pick that back up. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:58am

  223. 223: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Violette – this feels intriguing to me. I also have a guy that doesn’t seem sexually experienced and who is treating me very well.

    I feel urges to ‘break it off and run.’

    For me it feels important to… not give him time but give him a chance

    why? because he’s treating me so well and wants to make me happy and thats the main criteria im selecting men by

    he may learn to please me

    so far my guy has only given me ‘pecks kisses’ and texted that he wants to make love. and brought it up jokingly in person

    very tentative

    so im wondering about those urges and the resentment. is it more about self esteem?

    resentment like: i don’t want to feel icky and i don’t want to feel uncomfortable and embarassed while we figure this out

    im not willing to stand here while you fumble, and communicate that/ when i feel uncomfortable

    …

    i think actually this is gonna be great practice for me

    then im good at communicating when i feel embarassed and uncomfortable still… and that could happen even with a man who was already skilled at physical turn on

    i feel excited to see if im actually able to create turn on with my guy

    that feels icky to write haha i feel ilke running away

    im still not gonna push him away though i feel invested and appreciative of how im treated so much

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:59am

  224. 224: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – thank you :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:59am

  225. 225: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ahhhh thanks FW! 

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:00pm

  226. 226: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 195 – This seems so similar to Memulo’s story with her disappearing ex.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:00pm

  227. 227: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Going to carry on reading roris new ebook

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:02pm

  228. 228: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    okay, so you ladies said I need to actually date. I have a coffee date at 2 today. A movie tonight, coffee on Saturday and possibly one on Monday. All with a different CD. Does that work?? hahahaha!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:04pm

  229. 229: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: Thank YOU…for bringing it up…for creating the need or space or whatever to talk about it…for believing it (or wanting to – I can’t really tell from your post if you believe it yet, but I can tell you want to)…for creating space in your life for all of your dreams. I want this for you more than you know and I believe 100% that it is out there waiting for the right time to present itself into your life and your heart.

    PS: I wanted it long before my life and my heart were ready for it. It came to me much later than I would have liked. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:05pm

  230. 230: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Pe, I think you are exactly right. I haven’t went anywhere. He knows I’m right here. Yuck. I need to be accessible but less available.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:05pm

  231. 231: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: haha! Looks like you’re running with this one!! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:06pm

  232. 232: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “I need to be accessible but less available.”

    Well that’s about the prefect sentence for it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:07pm

  233. 233: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Prefect? LOL! I love typos!!

    (not really, but I’m trying to…)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:08pm

  234. 234: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Most definitely. I’m excited! Coffee with one cd at 2:30, then a movie with another tonight. Saturday a drink with another. This could be fun!

    One of my guy friends said “Lori, you are one helluva woman, make him work for you”.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:09pm

  235. 235: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    ugh, well i didn’t know what to do. he called me, texted me, about wanting to have breakfast with me. i didn’t answer, 13 mins later he texted he could take a hint, heading home now.

    I called him half an hour later, said sorry for missing the message, baby was using the phone to watch a movie. (he was).

    after that I mentioned feeling sad that he took all our photos down, and feeling unimportant. (oops?) …after that we got into a conversation about our relationship, but we are still stuck on everything now, pehaps we are stuck in the “power struggle” stage of a relationship – both stuck on what hurts, perceptions of whats going on, what we are demanding.. and it didn’t feel good. our discussion started to feel “argumentative” according to him, and i know what he means.

    NOW he says maybe we should take a 28 day “break” to break habits even though he wants to talk to me and the baby and come over and see us and hold me.

    :(

    I don’t want to do that but didn’t say anything one way or the other.

    he says he wants to see me but we need to get back to basics if we ever want to have a relationship – and be FRIENDS. I said that’s important in any relationship – politeness, kindness, thoughtfulness.. and he added “respect” for each others space and desires (which I am always about -respect, respect –

    but I feel bad hearing this from him because throughout our relationship he has used it back at me, to mean that I should “respect” his bipolar ACTING OUT behavior (talking means is that it was not ok with me if he was talking to/having sex with other women, staying out partying all night, or other things he does occasionally when he is feeling controlled or criticized or in an “unpleasable” stage, a downward side of bipolar.) So he is currently meaning that basically in being just “friends” we will practice my “respecting” him if he wants to see other people…. or respect his “space” now that he decided I should have to move out of our home.) basically I should “respect” anything he decides he wants. Fine, I will – with a lot of SPACE! If I can figure out how to do that.

    I need HELP with this!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:10pm

  236. 236: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    ANNIE – your earlier comment – yes, HE owns the house, and we are not legally married due past legal entanglements of mine. So I am left unprotected. I have to deal with that so that in the future I am better protected.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:10pm

  237. 237: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    So when someone feels pain in their rlsp, they want to get out because they want to avoid the pain and don’t know how to do that within the relationship.

    Right now our interactions still end up not feeling good like today and last night. (haven’t mentioned that here yet)

    So he doesn’t feel GOOD with our interactions (=he wants a 28 day “break”), and he wants to be FRIENDS right now (…I don’t understand this – I say we can be friends, work on our foundation of respect, kindness, etc, in a *romantic context*. He refuses, but I don’t understand what his objection is.

    He says if we can’t be FRIENDS then I have lost him and we have nothing.)…

    … I don’t understand why we can’t nurture these things WITHIN a romantic context.. and I know he wants to see me (and baby too).

    I don’t know what to do here –

    Should do what he asks and be “friends” and let the rest go (and hope he gets us back to being more)..

    Should stick to NO JUST FRIENDS..we will see each other only in a romantic context of at least “dating”

    Or is there a third option?
    in which I could say okay, lets do the friends thing for a specific amount of time, then move on to “dating” again after we have established a good habit of ..respect and kindness. perhaps 28 days since he says that’s how long it takes to break a habit..

    This sounds constructive … and if he’s truly interested in building that I think that sounds like something he’d agree to. I’m not sure it’s the best idea tho, it may be better to stick to just “no friends.”

    I do think he is bipolar, which can be very confusing (for BOTH of us!!) It is hard for me to operate from his perceptions, which I want to be empathetic because they are very valid from his point of view, (but are often irrational from a healthy “normal” perception, or from my perception)..or to know where I should operate from.

    I have come up with a few ways of dealing with a bipolar spouse, that have worked well, but I only learned them recently. I am still experimenting to see how they work and how they can be combined with rori’s work. ..

    also he says I should date someone else so I can gain perspective. It’s really weird, his perceptions.. he doesn’t seem to “get” that I “GET” that we are not together right now, that it is “not OUR house” (i do have anger about this).. I do feel unimportant and unloved right now. He gets stuck in old perceptions of what’s happening, … maybe I don’t express myself strongly enough because I don’t want to affirm those things – because I know that you get more of what you pay attention to and your words are powerful.

    so maybe I let that roll, laugh it off, pay no attention to it.and just know that we have something very strong and will get through this (have gotten through this? have a peaceful, passionate, loving, faithful relationship?)…

    Whether you say YES or NO, you are saying YES to the universe. ..

    the problem is that I know I am powerful and have no idea how to wield this immense power sometimes.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:12pm

  238. 238: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Can someone expound on the Rori 3rd way?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:13pm

  239. 239: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    So I guess one of my questions is “what do I want to affirm?”

    but I can’t affirm that we are in a relationship if we’re not, or affirm that we have a home and family together if we don’t, … you see where I’m going with this.

    What DO I affirm?

    What can I affirm that falls in alignment with what I’ve learned HERE also?

    hmm

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:21pm

  240. 240: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Hey Mercedes, I saw your message over on the other blog. I got a perfect opportunity to use the feeling message I coined leaving out the “seeing u part.” I sent a message and said that I had just returned to my desk as I was away from it at another part of the organization working. He responded by saying that it feels good to know he is on my mind and that I am thinking about him. I jumped at the oppoprtunity and said “yeah, it would feel good to hear your voice though.” He responded by saying “in due time my dear, in due time”. So as u said Mercedes I will just let him lead and relax in the present. He seems interested though. My high school is organizing our batch reunion and we discussed it as it is going to be in our country. He said he couldn’t make it as he would be travelling for work that time. So I said to him that he sound like a busy man. He acknowledged the fact and went on to say that he will have to make time for me. I will just kick back and relax and don’t worry myself. In the meantime, I will contact a friend regarding going out cause its time for cd number 2 to appear. I call this one who is overseas, overseas cd. Comments ladies? Waiting to hear from u.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:23pm

  241. 241: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    How to handle his contact?

    I would *consider* the rori raye third way IF we were there – but right now he says he wants to be only friends “so we can build a healthy foundation” .. I said NO friends unless in romantic context.

    Until he agrees to that, how do I handle his calls and texts? Invites, things he needs me to find, etc.

    AND Drop-Ins (because he WILL drop in if he knows where I am).

    Do I just ignore him? .. that feels like pushing him out of my life, when I LIKE his contact..

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:25pm

  242. 242: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Silver: If I were in your place, I would do exactly what I told Lori I would do in her place. I would start dating.

    If he wants to be “just friends”, I don’t think I could do that. In your case, he needs to see the baby so you can’t avoid seeing him, but you can let him know that you are seeing him only because of your child and that you aren’t interested in “just friends” so if he doesn’t want to be with you romantically, it’ll have to be only for the purposes of making sure your child has him in his life. Other than that, you’re off to find the relationship you want. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:28pm

  243. 243: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad, because he is trying to make contact with me, wanting to come over for breakfast after yoga this morning..

    I don’t want to push his contact away..
    He wants contact with me and wants it to FEEL GOOD.

    But I do NOT want to be put into a friend box, I want to be in a romantic context. ONLY.

    but he doesn’t want to let it be in a romantic context, or so he says – at least doesn’t want to be confined into saying that.. This is my own judgement but maybe it’s because he thinks I don’t “GET” it or “see reality” as he puts it – he thinks I still think we’re in a relationship or it’s still OUR house .. (I do feel weird he is so quick to say it’s HIS house, or HIS anything. but maybe he’s just trying to express himself strongly to be clear? and perhaps I don’t express myself strongly enough for fear of what I may be affirming?) He gets quite stuck in any OLD perception of mine (no matter if it’s changed, or even if it never was my perception in the first place – it sometimes takes him a while to realize we have MOVED on from there…

    maybe I should just be strongly AGREEING with everything he says (we are not together, we should see other people, we should “be friends” and let him be a friend but have no time for him?… )..

    The past few months he has been so up and down and jekyll and hyde my head still feels like it’s on a carousel.. I feel very unclear about how I should be responding right now. I feel apologetic to my fellow Sirens for my confusion.. and thankful for me loving me and asking for help and getting support.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:40pm

  244. 244: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    203 Starla, yes, it was missing the key word lol :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:40pm

  245. 245: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to be married for the party but I do want to be married for the photographs.
    Roris new ebook has some beautiful photos in it of couples which made me realise this.
    But then I told myself I can manifest this for myself, visualising what I want. I am into photography at the moment, I want to have pictures up of me in a loving relationship with my man around my home.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:43pm

  246. 246: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel guilty and a lil creepy sharing this, but, i am fantasizing about my future wedding dress and makeup and everything for the ceremony

    i do feel weird fantasizing about these things because i have the belief that women who think about this stuff are a certain (negative) way, and i don’t want to be that girl.

    but what if my focusing positive energy on it is actually a great thing for me to do?

    or does it just make me creepy? lol.

    i want a two piece wedding gown, with a strapless corset top and a skirt bottom, with gorgeous, dainty stilletos and a little tiny bit of midriff showing.

    and a summer wedding outside at night at dusk, with twinkling lights EVERYWHERE.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 12:54pm

  247. 247: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Starla,

    It’s UR life, u have to right to dream about whatever you want. It doesn’t make you creepy at all. I want a black and white wedding and wear a siren wedding dress…so what ? lol

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:01pm

  248. 248: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i wouldn’t feel so creepy if we were actually engaged/planning the wedding

    but i don’t want to be engaged right now.

    sooo… i guess that answers that. i am NOT creepy. i just like pretty dresses and makeup and planning fun parties.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:01pm

  249. 249: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Starla,

    It’s UR life, u have the right to dream about whatever you want. It doesn’t make you creepy at all ! I want a black and white wedding and wear a sexy siren wedding dress…so what ? lol

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:01pm

  250. 250: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    just need to be careful what i wish for. i seem to have the curse/blessing of manifesting whatever i want

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:04pm

  251. 251: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    Yes ! “I need to be accessible but less available.”
    Listen my sister who is married is not always available to her husband, when she’s with us he calls she says “hi babe, i’m with my mom and sis watching vampire diairies, i feel excited ! dont want to miss anything gonna go bye” and hangs up ! lol sometimes she leaves her phone in her bag because she wants to fully enjoy her “family time” to realise later he called 5 times and left 3 texts. When she does call back he answers at the second, HE is the one hanging around his phone waiting for HER to call. And what’s fun about it is that it comes naturally to her.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:11pm

  252. 252: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Starla: It’s only creepy if you’re wearing that wedding dress in your living room while crying over chick flicks and eating rocky road ice cream when he comes over. That’s creepy. And he’ll think so too. ;-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:12pm

  253. 253: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, thank you for your response. I agree with you about dating and intend to – others or myself, whichever works best (since I have no help with baby it isn’t easy to “date” others)…

    I am just not sure what to SAY to him when he contacts me constantly. And I really don’t want to push him out of my life but don’t want “friends” either.

    Do you think my “third option” of agreeing to “friends” for a certain time period in order for us to “rebuild good habits in our relationship”, and then move on to a romantic context… would just end up back at the point we’re at right now?

    what do you think?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:15pm

  254. 254: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, ladies! Actually, the more I think of it, the more I just want to manifest a lovely wedding… and I’m going to open a new savings account just for saving a little bit here and there for my dream dress.

    and anyway, as long as i want it, this man is really going to marry me.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:26pm

  255. 255: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Silver: I don’t know what being friends for a certain amount of time would lead to in the end, but if you don’t want to be friends then I don’t recommend being friends. I don’t like it when people do things that don’t feel good to their hearts and this doesn’t seem like it would feel good to your heart.

    This is so hard to say and probably will be hard for you to hear but here goes anyway: I think if this man wanted to rebuild good habits in your relationship, he would be doing that. I think being friends with the hope that things will move on to a romantic situation is setting you up for failure because if he wants romance with you, he will go after it whether you are friends or not.

    I think you should go out on your dates when he comes to see the baby. I think you should date yourself and your child when you can. I don’t think there’s anything that needs to be said anymore. I think your actions will speak louder than your words so if you don’t want to be friends, then you should probably stop acting like a friend.

    I know it feels good when he contacts you but unless what he’s offering is good enough for you then I suggest you find a new man who feels good to be with.

    My heart goes out to you…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:31pm

  256. 256: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Siver-Tongued Siren,

    You don’t agree on anything, HE is the one setting up standards right now : let’s take a break for 28 days…??? what ? after the 28 days then what ? he will magically want a to be with you forever ? You are raising a baby with no help you don’t have time and energy for these games, awesome idea he sould take 28 days of “break” and see how that works for him, that’s what you should tell him. Trust me that will get his attention fast.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:34pm

  257. 257: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Silver: one other thing: If he contacts you constantly then that means you are constantly available to him. It’s very easy for a man to take a woman for granted when she is constantly available.

    Sometimes I like to suggest people prioritize their phone use. When you’re watching a movie, eating dinner, visiting with a friend, paying bills, playing with your baby, etc you are not also giving attention to your phone. Put everything else you do over the phone. Find specific times during the day to check it and return calls, etc but maybe don’t make it so easy to reach you. Some things are more important than answering that call/text/email. Learn what those things are to you and give them a much higher sense of urgency.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:35pm

  258. 258: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    :) :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:41pm

  259. 259: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes, exactly ! if everytime he calls, texts when he feels like it and you are always there it just looks like you have no life, like you are just waiting for him to contact you. If he gets mad or upset about it that’s a good thing ! he won’t die, that’s because he will be panicking because he will see that he no longer can control you. You are not on his schedule, you answer your phone that you paid for when you want to, period. You can even tell him that you saw that he was calling but you were busy at that time.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:45pm

  260. 260: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    @mercedes!! Love ur advicee ……Ur a strong women and everyday I read wht u say it inspires me a lot I give u much respect….. thanks

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:47pm

  261. 261: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Sha-sha! Thank you so much!!! I am a strong woman. I never used to be but I am. And I can say that about myself because I love that about myself. I have my days when I’m not and I have my fears and my insecurities but overall, I AM strong and I get stronger every single day. :-) When I stumble, I know I am strong so I know I can get back up. I’m no longer afraid that I’ll never get back up….I will.

    Again, thank you! So, so much for that beautiful compliment!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:52pm

  262. 262: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I miss my friend, SMC, and I’m wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe when I’m stronger, we really can be friends…but for right now, I feel sad and embarassed and I miss him…and I feel guilty that I’m so weak that I can’t handle it…I feel sad…:(

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 1:52pm

  263. 263: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    aw i feel really good now imagining our wedding.

    not creepy at all

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:11pm

  264. 264: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla… do you talk about marriage? Sweetheart talks about it a lot, wants to know if when things are different, I’d consider being his wife, talks about wanting to be my husband. I’m worried if we talk about it so much now, when it’s not even a possibility, that it won’t feel special if/when it does happen. He told me he’d marry me in a heartbeat. That he believes he’ll probably cry because I’d be such a beautiful bride. He talks about getting me a ring. It’s lovely, but feels a little overwhelming since he’s not divorced and it’s still a new relationship. Anything similar happening with you?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:13pm

  265. 265: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    also, ladies, i never talked again with him about clarifying the timelines till being engaged. honestly, i forgot all about it when i spent time with him.

    but he did talk a little more about it.. it seems like he’s thinking in a year or so we’ll get engaged

    sounds perfect. i couldn’t ask for a better timeline. not too fast, not too slow.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:14pm

  266. 266: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise, no, it’s not like that with us. because when we had the convo the first time, we simultaneously expressed wanting it to be a surprise, and also not being bound to any expectation of a precise timeline.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:18pm

  267. 267: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes! Ur welcome :) :) …….. something clicked in my head today reading ur guys advice on answering call/texts/emails ….. I too always answer my guys calls soon as he does even if I’m in the middle of something………. its time for a change up lol thanks for that…… I have a question for u guys wht u think…. we talked about marrige and moving in toogether….. but should I still be Cding untill that actually happens…….. I do talk to others on the internet but no actual dates? I see him a lot and my guy calls me everyday and everynight and we are only sexual with eachother… he calls me his girlfriend and tells me he loves me daily….

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:40pm

  268. 268: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Sexting with MrP….sheesh, I never did this before and it’s so much fun!!! Totally Rockstar, he sends the first and last ones…and I play and have fun with him.
    OMG, it almost feels weird, like I am using the ‘poor boy’ for my enjoyment.
    He he.
    And why the h*ll not.
    I am learning to sext….and he gets all hot and bothered and is constantly thanking me for providing him of a fantasy…of me…

    But I don’t want to see him at all. Ha!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:40pm

  269. 269: TamNo Gravatar says:

    he started it off this pm with a text saying ‘thank you for the pleasure – and you didn’t even have to do a thing’
    he was fantasising about me in the morning and afternoon..ha!! I feel totally amused by this.
    Is that bad? ;)

    Feels playful with two men right now..and I don’t want either. It’s a powerful position to be in..I like to keep it that way…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:44pm

  270. 270: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Sha-sha: “we talked about marrige and moving in toogether….. but should I still be Cding untill that actually happens”

    I think that’s a very individual thing. I think you cd until you have the relationship you want and after that, you cd yourself. I also think there is a big difference between “talking about moving in and marriage” vs *actually* moving in and getting married. I guess it depends on where your heart is. Rori’s advice is to cd until you have the relationship you want (not just until he talks to you about it).

    Guys can talk about stuff like that for years and never actually do anything about it so the advice is solid: “cd until you have the relationship you want and cd yourself after that.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:53pm

  271. 271: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    lama.

    I read your posts today with great interest. Grief is what it is. It is simply experiencing a loss of something that was important to us. The attention that you had from SMC fed a need in you. There is also another need you have his presence in your life did not meet and caused you discomfort. Odd how a single person and our interactions can have the effect on us.

    Are you aware of what drove your interaction with him? You have the answer in there somewhere. It occurs to me as I have followed your story that he may well come to respect you for your decision. He may even grow up and take ownership of his own behavior that would allow him to flirt shamelessy with you while being involved with another. I wonder if a man with that type of character would really be good partner material?

    It is natural to grieve the loss and to second guess your decision. I hesitate to use the word co-dependant but some relationships have that effect on us. I think it is all healthy and a great step toward your happiness that you want. Time will tell. It always does. Dont forget to look yourself in the mirror and paint yourself with some good loving thoughts in your sadness. You have done something really healthy for yourself but have just planted its seed. It will bring fruit and I bet it will taste better than anything you have ever eaten before.

    Hugs to you

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:53pm

  272. 272: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Many times I have thought, “if I could just change my perception about what is happening in my relationship, if I could change my perception about what MILW acting out means- realizing it’s just his own insecurity and reasserting that he is in control over himself.. If I could change my perception to know that my relationship is secure, he is faithful and that I am completely important to him….

    If I could just change my perception and decide I HAVE everything I want, If we could change our perceptions and decide that we feel HAPPY and HAVE EVERYTHING ALREADY,

    How would this change our relationship?

    Marianne Williamson teaches this – miracles occur when we change our perception. Is this true?

    …
    Is it that simple? Could changing our perception, our “frame of reference”, change our relationship?

    I feel certain that asking questions is important….

    If I decided that his bipolar behaviors acting out and sleeping with someone on an occasional basis mean nothing and I am as secure as any wife whose husband is entirely faithful to her, would that change things?

    Maybe I could even go so far as to perceive his complete mental HEALTH and clear perceptions, and somehow give more empathy to his (inaccurate/bipolar) perceptions without compromising my own reality, would that change things?

    Am I in this situation right now, out of my home, without my partner, because I didn’t accept that I was secure and safe, or because he didn’t accept that he is accepted and respected, or that all our financial needs will be provided for, or that I make all the money I need to make even if it doesn’t seem like it’s enough to pay things 50%?

    Would I just be a wife in our home together, feeling insecure, whose husband still slept with someone occasionally, who didn’t have enough help with the baby or enough time with her man? And he be a husband who felt all the financial burden lay on him and that he wasn’t accepted or respected?

    Or would my frame of reference, my strong belief/change in perception to one of his faithfulness and my security, create the same beliefs in him?

    He has said many times before what I have sensed-

    ***Whatever reality I assert, he is magically drawn into it.*** It takes a lot of willpower on his part not to be.

    It is also confusing because of his bipolar behaviors, his very off perspectives.. sometimes naturally when we have had issues I did something I didn’t even know until the last few weeks is helpful in dealing with bipolar behaviors – A reset.

    If their perspectives are very off about something, do not invalidate them. For them, their perspective is reality just as much as anyone elses. Instead, affirm them wherever you can, validate them. Allow them to calm down. When they are calmed down, re-assert reality. This is the reset. This has happened naturally many times.. Sort of “surfing the waves” of inevitable ups and downs, “keep calm and carry on”. Don’t be too moved by anything, allow it to pass and keep moving forward.

    It has worked well to assert my own reality in general, but since my reality often involves not feeling safe and secure and loved, …well.. look what I got. Myself and my baby out of our home, away from our family – separate from MILW and baby’s sister. and baby “wanna go hommme”. he’s been crying for papa and sister and been very clingy and needy of my attention and comfort.

    Despite all my fears of being away, it is relieving that I still feel we are so deeply connected that nothing can really separate us. Yet I also feel I could be distracted easily into another relationship – like old friends going back where they left off I am sure my strong connection with MILW will remain the same. I worry though because I realize having sex with others (as he has done) is spiritually, energetically, chemically and mentally confusing. Maybe men are immune to this. lol.

    So I have seen “resets” work in our relationship, not even knowing it.
    I also am apparently better than I feel at causing him to feel inspired, when I believe it enough.

    He has a few times told me this all on his own: He doesn’t know how it happens, but he feels magically drawn into my vision and it takes a lot of willpower not to get caught up in it.— Whatever vision I feel strongly enough, he starts feeling too.

    Now I am without him, out of our home..
    I wonder how I can apply this?.. Or if I should at all.

    I wonder what relationships would look like if we simply changed our perceptions, simply KNOW that all mistakes are a call for love, that we already have what we need and want, even if it doesn’t appear so at the moment?

    Does this ring true to you?

    In what ways have you applied this before, or currently?

    Is it possible to apply this in ways that align with Rori’s work?

    I wonder how I can apply this in my current circumstances.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:56pm

  273. 273: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Sha-Sha,

    The point of circular dating, is too really make you see that there are other men out there, that you have options, to keep you from getting hung up on one particular man especially if he’s not stepping it up, to help you with your vibe. Women have men chasing them without circular dating so i think that that decision is really up to you, your vibe is what’s really important here

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 2:58pm

  274. 274: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hey girls, so I met with a cd for coffee. It was fun, okay. I have another date this evening for a movie. This could be fun! lol.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:00pm

  275. 275: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Silver: I think perception is incredibly important but I also firmly believe, in your situation, you should be circular dating. Sometimes that alone will help you shift perception to a more realistic one.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:01pm

  276. 276: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    sha-sha, my man and i are completely exclusive and i stopped dating others, but we’ve only TALKED about the next step (and are on the same page). It really is up to you where you want to draw the line for exclusivity.

    that said, you might want to get clear with yourself soon, and if it’s not exclusivity you want right now, tell him soon. because the whole flirting with men online thing can definitely be construed as a kind of cheating if you’re not on the same page with your man about exclusivity and expectations. you’d almost be better off going to a club or bar and flirting with real live men there, because that’s more of an innocent ‘just a girl here’ act, versus the deliberate, pre-meditated act of seeking out that man’s replacement online.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:06pm

  277. 277: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i wouldn’t be exclusive with QZ if it weren’t for us talking about timelines first. an open-ended “sure babe i’d love to get married some day if it all works out” is not good enough for me. it’s sweet, but it’s not enough to take me off the market.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:10pm

  278. 278: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Today when I was driving home from work I had tears well up in my eyes. I had no paticular reason. So I held that feeling and followed it inside.. I had been thinking about FavoriteCD and how much I really like him. I was feeling gushy and communicative and wanting to tell him about all the things I truely appreciate about him. THen I felt that I should come to my senses and stop that because some of it feels leaning forward and some it feels all flowy and authentic.

    I had this other voice pipe in and say… but what about the half empty bottle of wine in the frig (who drank that)? WHy did he disapear on Sunday and stutter around about it? OMGosh… I feel fear that he has not been truthful about seeing anyone else… then I went into yes and his text was short and felt disengaged. Then the thought… yeah and he has not introduced you to his family yet and he keeps saying he will. (I have said I would be very happy to meet the ones he holds dear and near in his heart)…My negative voices have won me and I feel like I need to break off this relationship really soon. I feel sick typing this.

    I have had two other men flake out on me. I dont want that again. I dont want anymore pain. I dont want to want something that I cant have or wont have.

    I dont want to come so close and walk away empty again. I feel like running tonight What is wrong with me. He feels like home when we are together.
    I am embarassed to confess this but I also feel like I could explode in a paniced mess!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:10pm

  279. 279: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Silver…when I read that he asked you to leave.. with the baby and you had no place to go… I felt furious. I dont know your whole situation but a man that requires and demand that of a woman and his own child. Wow does not measure high on the respectable scale with me.

    Hugs

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:17pm

  280. 280: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((Linda)))))))))

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:17pm

  281. 281: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I did tell him I’d want it to be a surprise and he said of course! But it’s come up again. He has really bad short term memory though lol. We’ve talked timeline too.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:28pm

  282. 282: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    aw, turquoise, i think he’s just excited about being with you, and maybe he kinda thinks it’s what you wanna hear. maybe when he brings up the topic, you could just say awww babe it would feel great to have happy every after with you one day. and change the subject.

    orrrr you could be direct and tell him it feels so good to be with a man who knows he wants you, and that you hear him loud and clear and are ready to just start BEING together so you can actually get to that finish line, instead of talking about it before you get there.

    then thank him again for not leaving you guessing about his intentions. i mean, really, really thank him and reward him. maybe mention again that you can see how he could end up being the forever man of your dreams, and you’re so excited to spend more time with him, etc..

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:38pm

  283. 283: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes/pe/starla
    Thanks for all ur advice/input u just cleared it up for me! I should be Cding myself…I’m totally happy the way. Things are right now we been exclusive for about 5months now.. I’m sorry should of made this clear I dnt go online and flirt and stuff like that just innocent convo’s I’ve had a profile for years…never flirty or sexual I. Wouldn’t want that done to me…. I do wht rori says and Never call/text first never plan dates or drive to him I make him figure it out.. I feel like he is very genuine with wht he says to me….. I just wanna make sure I dnt fall into that trap… so should I have a timeline in my head about the marriage and moving in together?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:44pm

  284. 284: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Starla, all sound like awesome ideas, especially the thanking him for sharing his intentions. He would absolutely love that.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:52pm

  285. 285: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Forgot thanks ladies u guys rock :) :) so I’m just gonna continue doing wht I have been!! Just add more cding myself……maybe more yoga and exercise…… has anyone ever thought about trying pole dancing lol always wanted to try that :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:53pm

  286. 286: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Forgot thanks ladies u guys rock :) :) so I’m just gonna continue doing wht I have been!! Just add more cding myself……maybe more yoga and exercise…… has anyone ever thought about trying pole dancing lol always wanted to try that :) I also volunteer at the homeless shelter and I do the dog shelter in my city….

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:54pm

  287. 287: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Silver, do you ever think what life might be like if you aren’t with him? I believe when Rori started thinking about what she wanted, not about the man, that’s when she got what she wanted.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 3:55pm

  288. 288: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    QZ just checked out my website for the first time and was texting me to tell me he is just amazed by me. and i told him i felt so good with him because i feel like i can pursue all my dreams and never have to make myself small for him. and that when i need to just be small, i can feel safe in his arms.

    he replied that he always wants me to feel free and protected.

    that’s my dream relationship, so i told him so :D

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:11pm

  289. 289: OliviaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow super on-point post for me.

    I am struggling with memories of scary childhood abuse. After working with a therapist for over a year, I am finally acknowledging these things happened (nothing was ever “repressed”, I just never acknowledged the severity of situation).

    I get so emotional sometimes, I don’t want to DROWN my guy with my emotions.

    It takes so much inner strength sometimes to sit there silently with my sad/anxious/whatever emotions and let him come to me to cuddle or hug me or whatever.

    Any advice on how to strike that balance of not drowning the guy but being real with your sadness??!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:26pm

  290. 290: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I really like this article. So many good tips for taking care of oneself. I’m really liking the “free and low-cost” ones since I am in this financial pit that feels hopeless. I can dance and walk and meditate. All good for my soul… to feel present and connected.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:30pm

  291. 291: Silver-Tongued SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Lori!! I think you are doing great with multiple dates this week!! So wonderful. sometimes i wish it were that easy for me (but have baby!) Are you on an online site? That’s a lot of dates in one week! <3

    Mercedes! Yes, I agree dating helps – or does any attention/feeling good on my side, so I can be lighter and also HE gets the vibe that I can expect more of him and that my time is valuable. Seriously, I have given this man some of the "best years of my life" and I think he will feel a lot of gratitude for that, when I get a handle on my energy again… <3

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 4:59pm

  292. 292: ALANo Gravatar says:

    for me, Cding (besides the fun!) is interesting how it brings up the different feelings with each man. I kind of, pre-Rori noticed how each of my relationships felt different with each man, yet ultimately lost a part of myself within each and every one of them.

    Now, for example when I’m with long-haired, tattoo CD it felt exciting. On our first date last summer we were at a small festival and one of the vendors said something to us as we were walking up to his booth like “here’s the cool people showing up” lol. Making out with him felt sooo delicious and melty. I would’ve slept with him but I learned to pay attention to my body (and heart) and something felt off. I dont know if it was the right thing to say, but I told him “I feel like just a body, I don’t know what that’s about.” Perhaps it’s my body’s wisdom telling me that he isn’t the right person for me to sleep with. It’s really amazing how this stuff works! Paying attention to how you feel in the moment takes you to some pretty incredible places on this journey.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:14pm

  293. 293: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh, just to clarify… after a few dates, NOT on the first date I considered sleeping with him. hahaha

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:28pm

  294. 294: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I want to express how
    when I read Tam and Mercedes different points of view re conflict it makes me feel.

    It feels so ironic to me reading about two different view points re conflict. so having conflict over conflict in relationships.
    I feel able to see, hear and understand both viewpoints here.
    As an observer here seeing, reading this conflict occurring it feels sad to me to see witness what is happening in this conflict and just so very ironic.

    The language lala land directed at another person feels attacking to me
    And then reading the explaining response feels defensive to me.

    It feels sad to witness.
    And reminds me of groundhog day,
    Just like when any conflict that is not resolved, just repeats over and over coming back time and time again.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:38pm

  295. 295: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hm. Guess I get so triggered by the conflict stuff because I was a conflict avoider all my life, keeping the peace, shutting my ears, locking the door, retreating to my own ‘lala land’. I painstakingly had to learn how this is not the solution but the cause of problems. I still want to run and hide when there is conflict. It’s my learnt response.
    But, sadly, this does not strengthen relationships, it slowly undermines them and in the end leaves ice cold silence.
    My experience – and I would like to change that pattern. For me.
    That’s all.
    I did so much research on the topic and feel compelled to share what I found. But it’s pointless – I don’t want to argue for arguments sake and keep reading the sentences like ‘i feel attacked’
    I feel sad that the first impulse is to take everything personally rather than keeping an open mind. That’s where we mess up with men too.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:48pm

  296. 296: LizkaNo Gravatar says:

    I miss the blog. It’s not because I have found love that I don’t come anymore. It’s just that this love (and everything else – work, friends, family, life…) takes so much of my time!!!

    Just dropping by to say hello!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:50pm

  297. 297: LizkaNo Gravatar says:

    “think that’s a very individual thing. I think you cd until you have the relationship you want and after that, you cd yourself. ”

    Hmmmmmm I think I’m gonna take myself to the movies next week and buy abig nacho and see that movie that no one wants to see with me but that I’m dieing to see.

    Awww I miss the blog. I’ll try to come more often!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 5:53pm

  298. 298: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,

    “We can focus on the negative and be on alert for it and attack it quickly when it shows up and get back into position and ready to attack again. OR…we can lose our views that say “the negative HAS to be there” and we can instead focus on the positive, touch those things and make them bloom.”

    If something feels bad to me in the moment that is a negative feeling.
    And if something feels good to me in the moment that is a positive feeling
    I personally don’t want to be on the alert for either positive or negative.
    I want to be authentically aware and accepting the reality of how I feel in the moment on if something makes me feel good or bad.
    I don’t want to deny or ignore things that make me feel bad, pretend that I do not feel bad or believe that if I do not focus on what makes me feel bad and only focus on the good that what is making me feel bad will just magically go away go away or will not exist anymore.
    I want to express my truth about my feeling is the moment positive or negative and then take appropriate action to move away from things that feel bad and move towards things that feel good.
    I want more of the good stuff and less of the bad.
    This does require an a loving action from me to enable this to happen. And sometimes that loving action will be walking away from what feels bad.

    I love all my feelings.
    I am supposed to have negative and positive feelings.
    If I wasn’t they would not exist.
    My negative feelings serve me well.
    I want to listen to them.
    They are here to protect and guide me from harm when I am in an aware state and listening to them.
    I feel grateful and thankful for my awareness in the moment of when something feels bad to me.
    The bad feeling is asking me to take notice and take responsibility and appropriate loving action to do something to make me feel better.

    Ty both negative and Positive feelings I love, accept and welcome all of you. :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:34pm

  299. 299: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I have never never insinuated myself into FavoriteCD’s life. I have never asked to meet his family he brings it up. (He has met almost all of mine already) He continues to speak of future things with me in it. I feel really confused and a sick at my stomach. I have worked myself into a frothy tissy. I literally need to get out of my house for a bit I feel a panic attack here. The things that I have noticed have been recorded subconsciously and surfaced today.

    I have some fiancial decisions I have to make too that I dont want to. sigh

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:34pm

  300. 300: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.
    295: Tam says:

    “Hm. Guess I get so triggered by the conflict stuff because I was a conflict avoider all my life, keeping the peace, shutting my ears, locking the door, retreating to my own ‘lala land’. I painstakingly had to learn how this is not the solution but the cause of problems. I still want to run and hide when there is conflict. It’s my learnt response.”

    Hugs Tam.
    Tears, that touched my heart.

    But, sadly, this does not strengthen relationships, it slowly undermines them and in the end leaves ice cold silence.
    My experience – and I would like to change that pattern. For me.
    That’s all.

    Feel pleased to hear that you want to change that.

    “I did so much research on the topic and feel compelled to share what I found. But it’s pointless – I don’t want to argue for arguments sake and keep reading the sentences like ‘i feel attacked’
    I feel sad that the first impulse is to take everything personally rather than keeping an open mind. That’s where we mess up with men too.”

    I feel in agreement that it is pointless to share with someone when they are not in an open and ready place to hear.

    I hear you do not want to read sentences like I feel attacked.
    I feel what I feel.
    My feelings are real to me and part of who I am and I love all of my feelings

    I accept I have no control over others actions or their use of attacking words.
    It is all out of my control.
    The only control I have is how I respond or what actions I take.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:43pm

  301. 301: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont have casual feelings for FavoriteCD. It does matter to me when he does not call.
    I dont want to feel this way, I was feeling so positive and hopeful and now a feeling of “almost”

    I dont feel brave or detached or what ever happens, will be ok. I care! I dont want any more rubberband men. No more hot and cold men. I want my man. He felt like my man would feel to me. Logic and experience is telling me something very different. Tonight I feel closed up and discouraged. Earlier this week I felt like a magnet now nothing.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 6:55pm

  302. 302: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    Why do you feel this way if you don’t mind asking ?

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:00pm

  303. 303: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not easy for me to CD when I have feelings for him. But I know I need to do this. Change my vibe. It’s been a rough evening. My son was really upset about his dad. I’m going out for the movie now. The CD was understanding so we made it later.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:00pm

  304. 304: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    For Clarity.
    On this occasion I did not feel attacked or write those words.

    I actually wrote.
    The language lala land directed at another person feels attacking to me.

    Different words and different meaning.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:07pm

  305. 305: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lizka !!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:13pm

  306. 306: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lizka!!!!!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 7:21pm

  307. 307: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love how all of us are expressing ourselves!

    We sound so … resonant

    Yay!

    We’re getting this!

    My ‘difficult’ exes are coming back w dream behavior…

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 8:50pm

  308. 308: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    So I went on my second date. Watched a movie with a CD. He’s nice. My heart’s not into this but I’m doing it.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:11pm

  309. 309: Memulo says:

    I feel like I’m off the market and it’s not because I want to be, but because I don’t have time and dint make an effort. My cd continues to treat me very well but I don’t talk to anyone else and that’s wrong. maybe he is my last chance? I don’t know

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:20pm

  310. 310: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not that it’s your last chance, it’s just a lack of interest. I’m CDing too. I’m flattered by the attention but really don’t care. It feels really weird to say that but I’m indifferent.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:22pm

  311. 311: Memulo says:

    Yay Daria! Your life is good without them isn’t it? Let’s see if they can earn their spot in it;)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:32pm

  312. 312: Memulo says:

    I wonder sometimes why the ex never said let’s be friends. I mean – I’m very busy and work is going well and I excercise a lot and my new place is pretty and people complement me and I smile again and laugh again and I don’t really wonder. But it feels odd at times

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:36pm

  313. 313: Memulo says:

    Lori, I resist a lot. It feels like settling.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:38pm

  314. 314: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Tam 8

    Thank you :) I was thinking, it’s funny, I have had guys wanting to spoil me and take me out to beautiful restaurants and interesting places, and whilst I appreciate the gestures so much, my heart sinks a bit. I have a job that I love, but which is totally exhausting – the idea of going out, getting dressed up and having to be a perfect date just makes me want to shy away from it. It’s exhausting, and it feels inauthentic because it’s not *me*. I end up pushing it away because it starts to feel like an “imposition”, weird as that sounds.

    Having a guy bring me tea whilst I lie back on the couch and he puts on my favourite show and just lies next to me and puts his arm around me, and just allows me to be MYSELF, makes me feel totally adored.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 9:51pm

  315. 315: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, I totally get that. I’m so tired that I don’t want to have to put myself out for anyone.

    I do have a guy friend that I cuddle with sometimes. He has no expectations of me nor I of him. Makes it nice.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:00pm

  316. 316: NainaNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome post. Last year i told a boy i liked him and he completely rejected me.. I thought i wasnt pretty enough or anything so i closed myself off to everyone, even people i didnt know yet… Thanks so much!!!

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 10:07pm

  317. 317: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Of people have written me responses on other threads to my situation – thank you! I’ve just been wicked busy packing & moving this week, so I’ve posted, but I haven’t read as much…

    But I had an inspiration tonight. I was watching modern siren, and Rori says at one point (probably several points) that a man either geeks it for you, or he doesn’t. And then she talks about shifting our vibe. But really the part about the man is so true – he either feels it or he doesn’t. Which means that shifting our vibe does nothing to “cause” him to have a different feeling for us. I mean, we know this. I just think it is more about observation. We can see when a man loves us or doesn’t. And if he doesn’t – move on. If he does, then there’s something to work with. Shifting our vibe does a lot for US. But it’s not really about him. His feelings are crucial, though..

    I’m fascinated by how things are going with – my man? Can I call him that? YES, I can. Because he IS my man. I haven’t told him that I love him yet. But he’s told me. And he’s said he only wants to be with me – he wants to give up his single life (“crash his boat”) – he moved me into his place! He told his daughter about me. And last night, he even affirmed that he is, in fact, my boyfriend. All signs point to “yes” hahs. :-) anyway, what did I do to get that from him? Nothing! Which is the way it should be, right?

    And in case you’re wondering, even though I’ve been at his house for a few days, we still haven’t had sex. I told him I didn’t want to rush into it, and he’s been really patient. Good man! I just want to feel really ready when it happens. And sometimes it’s nice to sleep next to someone and not have sex. But we will, eventually… ; )

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:10pm

  318. 318: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think shifting our vibe Does trigger him to ‘feel it’

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:52pm

  319. 319: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    sha sha i’ve been pole dancing for 4 years. SO AMAZING if you find a good class. I don’t like the classes where it’s bright lights and all about tricks and mirrors. I like the pole classes where it’s about female dancing and sensuality and emotional expression. I did S factor.

    Also, I was leaning back majorly. I last saw my guy tuesday morning and then he never called me until last night at 2 am. and Then called around 6 pm and then around 9 pm but I was out all day. I was really sad that he didnt call me for three nights and felt a little used. I feel a little crazy now cause I feel like I’m being too needy but I just like it when a boyfriend keeps in contact more reguarly like when he used to cal lme everyday. I tried to not focus on it, lean back, CD, and keep my cool. I met a couple really nice guys earlier today who texted me and want to hang out so he must have felt that vibe shifting and kept calling me today haha.
    The vibe stuff is totally true.
    however, when I called him back tonight after my shower…I was fine in the beggining but he knew something was off and asked.
    I said “Ifeel guarded. I feel weird” and finally I couldn’t keep it in and started crying and just was not conscious anymore. I told him I didnt want to attack him I wasn’t blaming him I wasn’t angry I’m not trying to force anyone to do anything … I just felt a litlte used and guarded. He got mad and defensive and told me I was acting intense and that I need to grow up and stop living in the past comparing our relaitonship to what we used to have. I told him I didn’t like being talked to in this way. He also told me he feels like he’s always calling me, always making the plans, it’s one sided. I said “well i like feeling like the girl” he said well.. that’s weird. I don’t want a one sided relationship…he said if I felt sad that he hadn’t called me that I should have just called him and he wants me to feel comfortable callling him….
    I got upset with him telling me what to do so I cried and hung up and texted him “Ya let’s just be friends. I originally fell in love with you because you were my best friend and always kind to me when i cried. and im not getting that kind of loving support anymore. dont know why i expected things to change but ya im definitely not down for this kind of cold relationship in my youth” i just don’t want to be pushed around. he got scared and called me saying “don’t make rash decisions i feel heated so can we talk about it tomorrow and try to come to a solution?”
    i just said ok but i feel kind of angry.

    What do you guys think about all of this (especially what he said about him wanting me to call him)? I really didn’t know what to say when he was saying that because I agree I want to call him too like I used to I just don’t because my vibe feels off right now…

    I’d appreciate advice :)

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:56pm

  320. 320: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    @janie baby
    I agree with u on the pole dancing! I just wanna do some sexy sensual moves and pretty much embrass my body and get stronger core muscles..heard its wonderful exercise!! Most of wht I found is wit that lights and mirrors….I was thinkin bout just doing a pole in the house hahaha way easier that way :) :)

    About ur Man thing I’m no pro at this or coach but my opinion if it was me in ur situation I prolly would have done the same thing….I’m assuming u had sex that’s why it hurt so much he didn’t call! And I would feel that same way afterwards if my man didn’t call after having sex……that’s one thing about my man he calls soon as he drops me off and for days afterwards he is calling me missing me………….So I would say if ur feeling that way ur not wrong for feeling that way!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:12am

  321. 321: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow my moment into drama mode

    I’m a lot less ‘thrown’

    Wow

    Thank you Daria

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:12am

  322. 322: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    I feel a kind of a kinship with what you’re going through.

    I wanted to type that earlier.

    The reasonable part of me “wants” to date other guys because it would make my life so much easier if I could fall in love with someone else. It’s not stubbornness, I have gone on many dates with other guys and will continue to do so. Yet, I always come up against this – if I am brutally honest, I am enduring it.

    There are plenty of guys who would love to spoil me, devote themselves to me, spend money on me, commit themselves to me. Yet I don’t want this because they just don’t get me. At the end of a long day, I don’t want to go out to a fancy restaurant and make sparkling conversation. I don’t want to feel beholden to a guy because he has spent all this effort and money on me. I don’t want to spend my weekends rushing from pillar to post meeting friends and family and having new experiences to prove how committed I am to the relationship.

    D allows me to just kick back, potter around the kitchen, come and go as I please, laze back on the couch absent-mindedly touching each other for hours on end, maybe make love, or have some dinner, and yes, maybe go out and catch a movie or have some breakfast. Without ever questioning my devotion. I crave this. I crave someone who will let me be myself.

    This is ultimately what has made it so difficult for me to let D go. I am still more nourished by the time I spend with him than the fanciest date in the world.

    I date, and I practice the tools, and I have men crashing their boats for me. But deep down, my heart’s not in it.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:32am

  323. 323: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, that’s how I feel too. I just started cding so hopefully it will get better. Hopefully the excitement of meeting someone new will help me to change my vibe. At this point, I’m going through the motions.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:59am

  324. 324: TamNo Gravatar says:

    321 Indigo I have been there too..totally understand. All I can say is that it’s possible to get past this…time….in my case it was just something that was said that triggered me so much that I could kick the guy out of my life. It was excrutiating, but kind of did the trick…
    and I must say that it wasn’t so much the CDing that helped me but more the concentrating on myself and doing things I really enjoy.
    Sometimes meeting men and comparing made it much worse for me….
    I don’t believe that ‘letting go’ can be achieved when one is not ready to let go.
    I knew when the time had come that I could do it.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:02am

  325. 325: TamNo Gravatar says:

    314 Indigo, again – I so get this.
    I was on the same page with that with MrP also. We’d rather go to a really relaxing cheap place by the water than to a stuffy expensive restaurant.
    I like it relaxed and easy going and he was the same and it wouldn’t have changed if we’d have had more money. He had the unbelievable ability to pick just exactly what I would like….whatever it was, an activity or a place to eat. Totally able to tune into me. And I am not sure if he tuned in or just did what he liked and it matched me so well.
    Sigh.
    Curly is very similar, but he is not as ‘relaxing’ as MrP was. MrP was permanently ultra-calm unless he freaked out about something (not often). It just made me feel relaxed. And that is what I miss most.
    It’s not the guy so much as that safety and relaxed feeling.

    Chubby keeps asking me if I want to go and eat in a luxury restaurant and I know it is so sweet but I just want to say: I’d like to sit in a shack by the water/tiki bar/beach/on my balcony instead.
    I don’t know. With some people I feel relaxed and with others it seems like work.
    Who wants to work?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:14am

  326. 326: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “I don’t believe that ‘letting go’ can be achieved when one is not ready to let go”. That is so true Tam. Sometimes thin gs have to be done in stages and everything takes times. With my breakup, disappearing entire profile to include email, phone numbers, photo in the profile and photos on the phone were deleted a few days after he disappeared. The facebook profile however was kept open and was deleted early December as I wasn’t ready to delete it before that. Surprisingly, I was ready to delete it the day before my birthday but decided against it as hairdresser wanted to see a pic of him. By the following week, the day after she saw it, I deleted the FB profile. At first I was thinking,”should I delete it yet?” Then I said “I will delete it now. And I did. A few days after he disappeared, I turned on the camera to delete the photos on there but the camera wasn’t working. It started working about 2 weeks ago but I haven’t found the time to delete them. So everything takes time, while u still have to make a conscious effort to heal, the length of time taken to heal is different for everybody.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:29am

  327. 327: TamNo Gravatar says:

    k2012 yes, and what you are doing takes great strength…I never deleted anything in the physical sende (photos etc), which probably slowed me down. But it is important to get the head and heart doing the same and that’s harder and just takes time.
    It kind of happens naturally.
    And then…in my case a guy showed up who probably isn’t my man either, but showed me how it feels to be adored and cherished and that made me
    realise how it should be. I am just not willing to accept less than that again.
    So it’s all the way up from here.
    :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:32am

  328. 328: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes –

    Thank you for being encouraging – ok – I will tell my whole story again this morning after I get some work done for work! Thank you!

    Quick question for all your sirens though – the guy that I’m sort of with right now (long story I’ll explain later) – he has a total opportunity to come over to hang out with me this morning for a few hours. I have this feeling he isnt going to take it. I will see him later today at work in the afternoon. I feel like I have no idea how to act. If that happens I am going to feel very disappointed and upset even though we have had one of the really greatest weeks ever in terms of being very connected and loving etc.

    I made it VERY clear to him yesterday that I would really want to see him this late morning and hang out. If he doesnt acknowledge that and doesnt come over and then acts like everything is fine this afternoon –

    how should I act? We have had a VERY VERY emotional week, so I am not sure using a lot of feeling words will go over well. He is on emotional overload right now and doesnt have the emotional bandwidth to spare right now. Its been a very emotional week for both of us.

    Anyway – I have said this before – he is ISTP and I am ENFJ (Myers Briggs scale) and so we both process things exactly the opposite. I know that test is very expensive to take, but you can find ones online that are free that are not as comprehensive. I highly suggest it to find out more about how you process things – it totally helps.

    Ok – that was a tangent :)

    Point is – how do I deal if he doesnt come over? I will feel disappointed, and it will feel “fake” if I just act like nothing is wrong….ugh.

    Help.

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:39am

  329. 329: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Tam, sometimes it takes a long time to delete him from your heart. U have some people who love to say “Move on” as if its so easy. What they should be doing is giving encouragement and motivation. U find that meeting someone new helps with the healing too. I cried for 3 months. I am fine now. I have forgiven him.Of course that doesn’t mean I would take him back. I have forgiven him and moved on.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:50am

  330. 330: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie, he will do what he wants….and if it was me I’d fill my morning with other stuff and have no expectations. Most men would feel overwhelmed if a woman waits around for them and in my experience this does nothing to build attraction, quite to the contrary.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:50am

  331. 331: TamNo Gravatar says:

    328 k2012, yes so true….you are doing amazing!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:52am

  332. 332: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning, Sirens! I have to say that the support here has been nothing short of amazing – thank you all so very much! I feel so happy and comforted when I’m here.

    I have another update. Seems that things with Phillip, both good and bad, are moving rapidly. Right now, it seems we are on an upswing.

    But I need some advice, please. We have been texting and emailing more frequently. It seems as if Phillip is truly trying to get back to a comfortable place with me. I am moving to a new house closer to work at the end of the month, and I asked him before he freaked out if he could help me pack, etc.

    So, the freakout happens, and the subject of helping was tabled by unspoken agreement. However, earlier this week, he asked if I still needed help. I was in a place of pain and anger then, and did not respond. He asked me out to dinner just prior to that, and I said no.

    Yesterday, after my apology (23), we’d started opening a dialog. He asked again if I needed help, and this time I accepted.

    The question is, since I’m not really sure what he will do or say, how I handle it. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to ask about the state of our relationship and I won’t. But, I need help on how to respond to potential scenarios (he wants to “just be friends” or wants to try again or wants to get out of the sexual exclusivity we agreed on). Any one of them, and perhaps more could happen. I just need some insight, please.

    Thanks!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:51am

  333. 333: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 327 – Instead of anticipating, speculating, try being in the now, trusting. I see you looking for the negative. This isn’t good for you most importantly, and it also creates a not so good feeling energy in you which can be felt by others.

    If he doesn’t come through as he said he would, then you tell simply, cleanly that you feel disappointed. You were looking forward to spending more time.

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:54am

  334. 334: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel embarrassed saying this, but I really want to work on flirting. I think the random stranger who helped me thought I was cute the other night, but I let my fear keep me from flirting. There was another guy last night that I interacted with, and I totally found myself putting up walls. Even though we were strangers having fun in the same place, I noticed myself tensing up when he started getting touchy feely with me.

    Has anyone else struggled with opening up with strangers or is it just me?

    and of course, it’s only the ones I’m attracted to…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:01am

  335. 335: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve gotten better at holding eye contact without looking away, about letting conversations last longer, but there’s just always this point where I feel myself wanting to run…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:03am

  336. 336: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    302 – PE I mentioned that in my post (278) I was focused on negatives and some things that may seem little but are big to me and feel really important.

    —–
    I went to bed overwhelmed and feeling extremely distraught. No communication from FavoriteCD just confirmed what I was feeling and felt like icing on the negative cake I had baked all day. I felt resigned to another cycle of what I seem to be getting in life over the last 13 years, even though everything felt very different since late summer…. I used to think of myself as the “queen of almost” all the time. Almost picked, almost loved, almost got what I desired…. Sadly I sitting on the throne when I went to bed.

    I prayed for strength to endure, understand, leading, to be directed, truth, comfort…and most of to be spoken to. I tossed and turned woke up every hour it seemed. Then after my alarm went off I dozed back off. My prayer was answered in a dream…. I dont dream that often but I know when I have been directed spoken to in them… this was one of those dreams. I was in an old house that belonged to a wealthy essentric old man who had passed away and had no surviving family, cleaning a formal sitting room . Why, I dont know… but nonetheless I was cleaning there. While dusting I found some old papers all rolled up three bundles of them in fact. The had been stuffed in slightly hidden crevices behind books and on a old pump organ behind the music stand. They looked like trash but I looked at them closer and discovered that they were not. So I took them and opened them and found that they were old receipts of some kind with some dollar bills and one $2 dollar bill. I took them to a type of a brokerage- banking business to inquire about them. The man was speechless.. said this $2 bill is oooold… civilwar issued.. and worth $71,000.00! The rest are not receipts but certificates of great worth as well. I was flabergasted…these things were not what they appeard to be!

    I woke up and and realized that things are NOT as I supposed and decided them to be and that is my real TRUTH!

    I felt light hearted and hopeful and thankful for being spoken to thru the dream… Then when I got to work (I have to be clocked in by 5:45AM…. my text notification rang at 6:00. !!!! It never does that and low and behold it was FavoriteCD… saying good morning to me.!! THat has NEVER happened before!

    I felt confirmation of my dream. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that it is NOT what I thought.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:13am

  337. 337: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – I feel so uplifted reading this! I also had a dream some weeks ago, and I knew that it pertained to my perception of things with Phillip.

    But that’s for another time. For now, I feel so happy for you!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:39am

  338. 338: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Annie – 294 & 298

    I understand your views and I totally respect that and want you to have all of your wants and needs in every way. It is much the same for me with the exception of my relationship with J…we simply don’t have conflicts arise in our lives with each other.

    If something ever does happen, I am very confident we can work through it (G0D knows we have practice at it) but we haven’t had anything like that in many, many years. Early on we had conflict…plenty of it…but things have come to a place where we just flow together and know each other and have a special bond that I cannot put into words…there are many other couples in the world who have the same existence with their partners…several of those couples are friends of mine.

    As Dominique says, when we begin to experience something like this we will see more and more of it. That has proved to be true for me as well.

    I do want to manifest this in other areas of my life though. I do believe it is possible and please understand, I am not talking about anything “magically disappearing”. I’m not talking about magic at all. I’m talking about the law of attraction which I believe in fully.

    You said: “And then reading the explaining response feels defensive to me.” and I agree, it was defensive. I hate that I felt I had to defend myself but I have not said anything to Tam in weeks (months??) now – not since one of our very first exchanges where I told her I thought it was best if we stop commenting on each other’s posts – and still she has to chastise me with the words “Mercedes, there is no such thing as a relationship without conflict.” when I JUST said MY relationship is like that. And my relationship DOES exist. I know this because I go home to it every night after work…

    Yes, that put me on the defensive from the beginning but I ignored her (best practice for me in that situation…someday I may change my mind and feel comfortable communicating with her again but as of right now, I do not) and went on to discuss with other ladies who, although they might disagree or have a different viewpoint, still stay respectful to me and to my relationship. Later when she started twisting things around and was talking about the use of the word “screaming”, my defenses were still up and I chose to explain that the word choice was not mine, it actually came from someone else.

    Maybe it’s not good to get defensive and explain ourselves but it is who I am and I do it when I feel like it so I really don’t see that changing anytime soon. I do feel the need to defend myself (and others quite often) and I do feel the need to explain and I LIKE that about me. It serves me very well in my life. I don’t want to change things about me that serve me well.

    Again, I see where you are coming from in comment 298 and I can totally be on board with those being your wants and I want that for you if it is what you feel is best in your life. I want ALL of us to have what is best in our lives. In some areas of my life (maybe most???) I don’t want the scenario you describe but that’s okay…again…nobody is wrong here…just the beautiful ways in which we are all different.

    Hope that helps to show where I am coming from and that it maybe helps make the exchange a little easier to read and process and a little less sad for you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:40am

  339. 339: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Linda as Carol Allen talks about you choose “faith” last night. Even in your tossed around and tumbled about emotions, the infinite intelligence of your subconscious mind is leading you to your true place in life.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:44am

  340. 340: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tam – I am working this morning so I am definitely filling up my time but just still thinking about how it would be nicer if he were here….

    @ Dominique – He never actually said he was coming over – I just told him that it would be nice. Frankly, since we rarely get time together I”m not sure why he wouldnt take this opportunity.

    Acting disappointed seems to me the opposite of leaning back. Telling him I”m disappointed seems to be an aggressive move putting him on the defensive. I guess I dont understand how I can say that and be leaning back at the same time.

    @Mercedes – Ok I think I”m going to take your advice and rewrite my story and see what you sirens think I should do – advice etc. haha.

    But the real question is – what do I do when I see him today if he doesnt come over.

    I’m feeling needy, and unsure, and clingy, and ick. I wouldnt be attracted to me either right now LOL.

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:44am

  341. 341: PeNo Gravatar says:

    Janie baby,

    By focusing on small things like why he didn’t call me for 3 days, you start thinking, wondering, looking for reasons as to why you haven’t heard from him and something so small becomes bigger than it needs to be and you start feeling weird, sad, upset and when he does call your vibe is different and that pushes him ever farther away. Just imagine that he’s busy he’ll call you when he has time and in the meantime you’ll focus on yourself. Sometimes they do things to “test” you…but it doesn’t really matter, what matters is that he has to feel that even if you do miss him and would like to talk to him, he’s not the center of his life, he souldn’t be.He calls you after 3 days, you answer warm and excited “hey babe, whats up ? feels good to hear your voice…” talk for a few mins and end the convo on a light mode, “got some errands to run, talk to u later,muah bye”. period.

    Another thing, you have to be careful not to “lean back” too much, you have to “mirror” him. one-one ratio, he calls you if he calls you all the time there’s nothing wrong in calling him too from time to time, that will please him especially when he is not expecting your call and you surprise him or send a little text, the danger is when you start calling and texting more than he does, or when you haven’t heard from him for a week.You haven’t heard from him for 2 days it’s ok to gave a call and see how it goes, if he’s distant, say you can’t stay on the phone gotta run.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:46am

  342. 342: TamNo Gravatar says:

    feels weird being talked about yet being ‘ignored’, guess that is what people do when they avoid conflict.
    Anyhow, I didn’t speak about partner relationships only, I mean any relationships.
    I feel so strongly that there simply isn’t a relationship, be it with family members, friends, or partners, which is completely devoid of any conflict, friction – in whatever form.
    Unless…unless we are talking about a fantasy bond. That can be devoid of any conflict and meaning whatsoever.
    I had them so I speak from experience.
    This is not something I made up one morning, this is based on human psychology.
    Just sayin’
    Honestly, if people call themselves relationship experts (which I do not), the least I expect is that they keep current with the subject….and do the bare minimum of catching up with current theory.
    I wouldn’t go to a doctor who knows how to hold a stethoscope either, would I?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:46am

  343. 343: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ‘doen’t know how to hold one’ lol

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:46am

  344. 344: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I am having severe typing difficulties this morning….urgh.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:48am

  345. 345: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: “I made it VERY clear to him yesterday that I would really want to see him this late morning and hang out.”

    This is letting him know what you want…it is an invitation…but unless he said he would come over, then he really isn’t doing anything wrong. Did you actually ASK him to come and he said yes or no or maybe or did you tell him you want him to come? There is a difference in my mind and if he didn’t say he was coming, then he’s really under no obligation to show up.

    I think it’s okay to tell him you felt disappointed but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to be there if he didn’t say he would be.

    That’s just my take on it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:50am

  346. 346: TamNo Gravatar says:

    And just for the record, M, I said nothing abuot YOUR relationship, and if you re-read my comments you will see that. It feels sad to see people jump to conclusions because presumable they feel triggered, threatened or whatever.
    So this:
    ‘other ladies who, although they might disagree or have a different viewpoint, still stay respectful to me and to my relationship. Later when she started twisting things around and was talking about the use of the word “screaming”, my defenses were still up and I chose to explain that the word choice was not mine, it actually came from someone else.’

    I do indeed have views on the kinds of relationships who are devoid of conflict, and ever so perfect….but if I was to comment on what I have gleaned from your comments on your specific one, it would probably make you implode, so I refrain. Other people’s relationships aren’t my business, after all.
    Just spreading myths, which might make those in less perfect (authentic) relationships feel bad – that is what gets my back up…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:54am

  347. 347: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok – per Mercedes – I”m telling my story again – :) I’ll try to make it short (I know I”ll fail miserably already). haha!

    OK – been married 11 years. It has been horrible the last 8. I stayed because well, I”m Catholic, and I just thought….thats what you do. I know better now. I asked him to move out a year ago and he did. The divorce paperwork is going through.

    Last year at exactly this time, there was a person that was going through EXACTLY the same thing as me. I have known him for 13 years. There has never been any kind of a flirt even between us. And then BAM. All of a sudden – its exactly like they say – when something is in front of you all along. Wow. Amazing.

    We work together so we have to keep it on the down low. He was never married – lives with her – they have children. He has said that for right now he wants to stay in that house for another year or so with her (probably wont happen because she is already dating other people and making it very public etc.) just for the sake of the kids.

    Now this is the part you girls may balk at – why is he staying in the house? He does not sleep in the same room as her – I know this because SHE tells everyone this as well. Also she dates around now openly. I see why he wants to stay because, frankly thats what I did for the last 5 years due to children. So I cant exactly call the kettle black, when I’m the pot over here….lol. Anyway – he is going through his own things and I am allowing him to do that.

    In the meantime, I think something that is important is that he is ISTP and I am ENFJ – on the MYers Briggs scale I talk a lot about that because Ibelieve so much in how people understand and relate emotionally to each other. I tend to attach emotional value to everything – a cookbook, a backpack whatever – he doesnt. I tend to be more open and feeling, he doesnt typically – but with me, he feels safe. He cries and is so emotional – and I know that I”m the only one that inspires that other than his children. That makes me feel amazing. He has said that in all of his life (we are middle aged) that no one has ever doen that.

    Also this man has never and never will lie to me. He will either say nothing or tell me the truth. I know because I have found out the hard way that he will tell me something I dont want to hear because I push it – he has said he will never ever tell me a lie – he would rather me be hurt if I have to hear something than lie to me.

    Given that – we dont talk about our future much. We are both in the middle of complicated situations, but the fact that we found each other has been like a drink of water to someone who has been dying of thirst in the desert for a long time. The difference is that I still need a lot of affection and affirmation, and he is ok with affection in lesser amounts etc. He definitely needs way more “alone” time than I do to process things.

    Anyway – I”m sort of at the point now that I feel needy. I feel clingy.

    haha! I basically want to jump to the end of the choose your own adventure book and find out the ending – do we end up getting married? do we break up? Its always been my problem to not live in the “now” but always worry about the future.

    Which is crazy. Because I thought I knew the future and here I am single in a divorce. I never thought that would happen. This last year was the craziest of my life.

    But also in a good way. Because he believed in me, he made me believe in myself. Let me give an example. I have lost 60 pounds this year and went from a size 18 to a size 6 (almost 4). That was because of him. Honestly. He worked out with me every day and was so encouraging and loving. He loved me when I was fat, and was so supportive He believed in me until I really believed in myself.

    So I love him for a lot of reasons, but now I just want to get going if that makes sense. I dont want to give him the time I know he needs just like I needed. I want to see him all the time, be with him. I feel needy and clingy.

    So – when we have an amazing week like this last week (and it was AMAZING) he said and did the absolute most heartfelt things that made me feel so close to him and that I could trust him…..

    Then when he doesnt text me one night, I feel like I”m desperate.

    So any advice – please help.

    I did get Roris ebook – would you suggest any of her other books etc?

    Any advice – I”m here ready to listen.

    :) Thanks in advance if you have gotten this far in my book that I have posted LOL.

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:57am

  348. 348: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies: I hate to see words put in other people’s mouths so I just wanted to say that I’m pretty sure the only relationship expert here who has discussed having a relationship without conflict is Dominique. I don’t think Rori has said that and I’m not sure about some of the others that come and go here but I don’t remember anything like this.

    For Dominique however, who is a good friend of mine, I can attest that she has this in her life with K. Nothing about her feels fake to me so I won’t be pulled into believing she is. She’s actually probably the most authentic person I have every met in my life. Beautifully authentic.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:01am

  349. 349: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @ Mercedes –

    Yes, it was an invitation. No, he never said he would come. This man is impeccable with his word to me. In the 13 years I have known him, he has never once lied to me – now THATS a good track record. He never said he would or wouldnt come. He never makes a promise he knows he cant keep (which is frankly annoying, because when we talk about going to Italy someday he always “qualifies” it because he can’t promise because who knows the future lol…..)

    So while thats irritating, he will never lie to me. Its also awesome because when he tells me he loves me, I never have to question it – I know he would never say it if it werent true and thats a great feeling.

    So – to be honest, no, he didnt say he was coming over.

    I just dont know why he wouldnt. Ugh.

    Cant he just want exactly what I want exactly when I want it exactly how I want it? LOL – is that too much to ask? LOL.

    I guess I wont even say I”m disappointed today. I’ll just be easy breezy beautiful cover girl……sigh…..thats so hard to do!

    Elsie.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  350. 350: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Hi elsie

    It does seem as though you are far too focused on him and what you want to happen next

    Men can have very different timelines to us

    you have come a long way, thats obvious and thats a fantastic weight loss!

    Myabe you need to focus more on you, and all the other exciting things you couild be doing/experiencing with youtr new life and freedom

    your man might be joining you for some of it, but he might not

    Either way, it is a whole new world for you out there

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  351. 351: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    348
    elsie-you say you have got roris book??

    Stuffing down your real feeling and pretending to feel something else (breezy cover girl) is the exact opposite of what she advises

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:05am

  352. 352: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning ladies,
    I downloaded Rori’s revised book and will be reading it over the weekend. Someone else posted a link for another book too. “He’s really that into you….”. Has anyone read it?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:06am

  353. 353: TamNo Gravatar says:

    347…I was under the impression Dominique had a major friction moment in her relationship which she managed to resolve, actually…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:07am

  354. 354: TamNo Gravatar says:

    anyhow, none of my business

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:09am

  355. 355: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Lori (351), isn’t the title of the book, “He’s Really Not That into You”?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:09am

  356. 356: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    351

    that would be Katarina Phangs book I think
    I havent got it no, but I like Rroius new E book and layout

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:10am

  357. 357: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: “Last year at exactly this time, there was a person that was going through EXACTLY the same thing as me.”

    When it comes to the EXACT same thing being a divorce or a breakup of a long term relationship, sharing this experience with someone can cause a lot of attraction…and it rarely works out.

    You are in love with a man who wants to keep you a secret (keep it on the low down) and who lives with the mother of his children and who believes that is not going to change for a while.

    Is that enough for you? Because that is your situation and it doesn’t matter what his personality type is, the fact is he’s LIVING with another woman and he’s keeping YOU a secret.

    If that’s enough for you then just keep doing what you’re doing. If you want more (and it sounds like you do…you want a future with a man and a marriage, etc) then my suggestion would be to start circular dating ASAP and be on the arm of a man who isn’t in a situation where he feels the need to hide his feelings for you from others in public.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:10am

  358. 358: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    My tryping is pretty rubbish today too

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:11am

  359. 359: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    This is right on time for me. I’m struggling with not getting lost in my man right now. Focusing on my feminine energy, focusing on receiving from him . . . But it is hard still! Going to follow Rori’s advice in this article

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:12am

  360. 360: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.gettheloveyoudeserve.info/forum/topics/he-s-really-that-into-you-he-s-just-not-ready-the-ultimate-guide-?xg_source=facebookshare

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:13am

  361. 361: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Tam…I’ll address you directly since that seems to be what you’re searching for here. I’ll take the bait…

    Dominique has said time and time again that any friction that comes up has been his stuff or her stuff and is not a part of their relationship. It’s individual healing that needs to take place but it does not create a conflict in their relationship and yes…she has gone public with a lot of that healing and the process in order to share with other women.

    I have said time and time again that J and I have resolved MAJOR conflict in our past but it no longer comes up for us at all. Zero conflict in our relationship. I also have shared my healing process online in the hopes that someone can relate to it.

    Neither Dominique or I experience conflict in our relationships as they currently exist and we enjoy that very, very much.

    If it’s not Dominique then who are the uneducated relationship experts you are referring to?? I’m confused because I haven’t heard any of them discuss this…at all.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:17am

  362. 362: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lori!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:20am

  363. 363: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth you typing looks beautiful and flowy. It is lovely no matter what

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:23am

  364. 364: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    NewfMom, I have no idea what the book is like. Someone had posted the link here and it caught my eye. I don’t know if you have read Rori’s book but it is spot on. I’m also thinking about trying her Modern Siren program.

    Can anyone comment on Modern Siren?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:25am

  365. 365: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes….I said all I wanted to say and more.Too much actually.
    Not searching for anything, quite happy :)
    Been through all that defensive ranting and arguing – when I was not well, and it doesn’t do it for me anymore, so not joining in unless I get carried away … suggesting again some of the reading I mentioned earlier, helped me a lot. If you’re interested…but I guess not.
    We all get there sooner or later though…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:26am

  366. 366: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    362
    aw, thank you FW

    I just hate making typos because actually my spelling is impeccable

    I just cant type

    Its a bit of a trigger for this perfectionist

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:28am

  367. 367: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Lori – I read the older version. Just bought the new one. I’m going to try and read some of it at lunch today.

    I could also use some advice. I posted it this morning (331). I would feel good to hear some of you ladies provide some feedback. :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:28am

  368. 368: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    363

    Lori
    Modern Siren was the first program I bought

    its good, but I prefer Reconnect

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:29am

  369. 369: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    We define conflict as a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to theirneeds, interests or concerns. Within this simple definition there are several important understandings that emerge:

    http://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/onlinetraining/resolution/aboutwhatisit.htm

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:29am

  370. 370: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth (365) – don’t feel alone. I’m a writer by trade, and I have those “can’t type my way out of a paper bag” days. :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:30am

  371. 371: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    FW — thank you. that felt good to read. Even when I feel negative and rationally or irrationally so sometimes… I somehow chose my true place in life.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:30am

  372. 372: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Miss Perfectionist – love you

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:30am

  373. 373: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    New fMom

    Id just go with the flow and see how it goes
    be open to him,be thankful for the help and dont attach any expectations to the encounter

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:31am

  374. 374: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Newf331, I don’t see a problem with accepting his help with moving. Remember, they want to help us and it should be accepted if offered.

    As far as the sexual exclusivity, if your not comfortable not being exclusive, if it’s a deal breaker, then I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship.

    Others may have different thoughts on this.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:33am

  375. 375: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    FW

    Im feeling all teary and emotional and choked up again

    So you mustnt be nice to me;)

    Im at work and i cant cry

    xx

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:33am

  376. 376: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Mercedes, have either of you tried Modern Siren or Reconnect?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:33am

  377. 377: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    LOL! No thanks. I’m not interested in reading a judgement from an “expert” on why couples divorce. Not really my style of study or literature anymore. Did enough of that in college and experienced my own divorce.

    I’m just happy to get to experience something so beautiful. I’m so incredibly grateful my mind and heart were open to it and that it manifested in my life. I feel sad for people who are too closed off to ever experience something so beautiful.

    But maybe the coaches you refer to will take your advice if they happen to see the book titles on this post. It’d be nice to know they are all up to date on “theory”. Because that’s what coaching is all about, right? Theory???

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:34am

  378. 378: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    369 Newfmom
    thank you

    :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:35am

  379. 379: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Mercedes –

    Its mutual. I am keeping him on the down low too. I am not officially divorced yet. I wouldnt want anyone knowing I’m dating anyone until that is finalized.

    I agree that part of our attraction is that we are going through the same thing. But its because he and I are so similar in terms of the big picture and parenting that we fell in love. And we did.

    I guess right now I”m feeling defensive. When you say “it rarely works out” that just makes me feel defensive – like I have to start arguing about why we are great and frankly, I dont have the energy or emotional bandwidth to do that.

    My friends who know this situation know that we are good for each other – albeit he could be more emotionally intuitive, but he is closer to me than he ever has been.

    I dont know if that makes sense. I’m not trying to find a chorus here of “yes men” to tell me just what I want to hear, but its hard because this is me just putting my story out there and the first thing I hear is that its probably not going to work out – and that seems a bit judgmental to me given you really dont know what he and I have been through (and trust me its been a lot.)

    And again, he is living with someone else – I think I gave the details on that. She is openly dating other people and openly telling people that he has been on the couch for a year, so its not as if they have some relationship taht he is keeping secret from me. They are trying to figure an exit strategy and frankly she is very vindictive.

    Anyway – I”m feeling defensive, like I have to defend whats going on – and frankly, the people that know me I dont have to do that with because they know what I’m going through.

    Anyway – Mercedes, it just sounded a bit contrite to me “if thats enough for you” and “it rarely works out” just seems a bit condescending.

    Maybe I”m just reading it wrong?

    Whew. Its been an emotional morning….

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:35am

  380. 380: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    348
    Elsie
    “Cant he just want exactly what I want exactly when I want it exactly how I want it?”

    I relate to that
    It makes me feel SO frustrated

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:38am

  381. 381: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: I have not. I wasn’t purchasing programs (not in a financial place to do so) when I first started coming here and when I found Rori, J and I had already reconnected. I was worried about potentially making some of my old mistakes so I started internet searching to see if I could get advice and support on keeping a relationship alive (not fixing anything, we had gone through a lot of that already, but just keeping what we had and not falling into old patterns that almost ruined us in the past). So…I didn’t buy a program but I did purchase her book.

    I’m not going to be much help on the reviews but I can say I have heard marvelous things about both of the programs.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:39am

  382. 382: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth (372) – that’s what I was thinking I should do. Easier said than done.

    Lori (373), you’re right, but I think I should only say something if he gets physically closer. And then, probably not at that particular time. If things go that direction, I will bring it up at a later time.

    I’m not okay with any sexual non-exclusivity. And he knows that.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:41am

  383. 383: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    By the way, I said I was feeling good that he offered, and it would feel good to see him, but also scary. I told him I felt nervous about him coming over.

    He said that he was feeling nervous, too and that maybe the job of packing will take the edge off.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:43am

  384. 384: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    also NewfMom

    as long as you know what your boundaries are and stick to them, and look after and honour yourself, thats the main thing

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:43am

  385. 385: TamNo Gravatar says:

    376. Mercedes, it’s a book on fear of intimacy. Not on why people divorce. Yet another assumption, defense etc etc.
    I trust that you can read what I write. So why?
    Education is a great thing and I advocate learning throughout one’s life. Closing the mind after college feels pretty sad to me.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:46am

  386. 386: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I went over to my guy friend’s house last late. It’s really nice to have someone that will just hold you. Love, comfort, no expectations.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:46am

  387. 387: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Earlier some of you were talking about manifesting. I don’t know why I haven’t paid more attention to my ability to manifest things, it happens all the time with little things that cross my mind of I think about – and poof! Within a short time something related will present itself in some way. This happens to me a lot.
    Right now I’m feeling so lost-there I said it-I feel lost and don’t know where to go next….where to focus…. Where to aim my efforts …. I feel conflicted and confused and blank and overwhelmed … So nothing is happening, cuz I am unclear on my path….
    I’d love to hear a success story of starting over at 39-40… And I mean starting over financially, relationship-wise, career, maybe even have a family….all of it….I know it’s a lot to ask…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:49am

  388. 388: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth (383) – thanks. It feels good to be reminded of that.

    Lori (385) – I sure hope that I get that on Sunday, when Phillip comes over. I really don’t need anything else (sex would be nice, but only if it’s his idea), so just a hug from him would feel devine. :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:49am

  389. 389: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: I don’t mean to be condescending at all. By “rarely works” I don’t mean to say “impossible”…I mean to say it will be a difficult road that many, many people have struggled to follow. It certainly can be done and if you have the strength and if he has the strength then it can be done for you.

    (all of that my opinion based on people I have known in my life)

    But when I say “if that is enough for you”, I really do mean that. It is what it is right now and I guess I’m not sure what your question is…what would my advice be for you to do in your situation? I don’t think there’s anything you CAN do while he’s living with someone else (no matter what the reasons) and while you’re both hiding your relationship.

    I really don’t think I understand what advice you are looking for from me and I’m so sorry about that. I just don’t know what to say. Your situation is one that involves another woman, a marriage that hasn’t quite ended and secrets. In my opinion, until those pieces change I think you can only keep doing what you’re doing or finalize your divorce and start dating other men.

    When you say “Then when he doesnt text me one night, I feel like I”m desperate.”, I completely understand how you would feel that way and I can empathize with it so much but I don’t know how to keep that desperate feeling at bay while in your current situation. I would feel desperate too…very much so.

    I’m really sorry but I don’t know what other advice I could give…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:49am

  390. 390: TamNo Gravatar says:

    and yes, there is a theory to all disciplines, of course.
    Otherwise why do we have Universities, colleges, schools?
    Next thing we’ll all assume the earth is flat again.
    Sigh.
    To understand the human mind it does help to study basics and keep up to date with current theories…and I don’t know anyone who needs a shrink and would consider going to a car meachanic instead.
    Anyway, I digress…I am going for a walk now and hope not to fall off on the edge of the earth…lol

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:49am

  391. 391: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Tam: 384. Thank you for the advice and clarification.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:50am

  392. 392: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    For example of manifesting I was frustrated on my way to work the other day and I said to myself I should just call in sick! I almost did and almost went home… But I didn’t I went to work.then I got sick that very night and Ive been at home in bed with the flu ever since! Ugh

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:52am

  393. 393: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…we took quite a leap here, huh?

    “Next thing we’ll all assume the earth is flat again.
    Sigh.
    To understand the human mind it does help to study basics and keep up to date with current theories…and I don’t know anyone who needs a shrink and would consider going to a car meachanic instead.
    Anyway, I digress…I am going for a walk now and hope not to fall off on the edge of the earth…”

    My mind is going…ummmm….whaaaa….??????

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:52am

  394. 394: TamNo Gravatar says:

    and yes, I did briefly work with a psychologist who specialises in couples therapy and conflict resolution..but then, what do they know, eh?
    All that studying and no clue ;)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:53am

  395. 395: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    BlueCD is a big show off sending me pics of himself… Yawn…I have yet to meet him I’m person.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:56am

  396. 396: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @ Mercedes – Thank you. Really. I”m feeling defensive, and its hard because I’m just starting my story on here.

    I read what you just wrote and I think you are right on a lot of points.

    I think that there isnt a lot that can change while we are in the current situation. And frankly, I”m not sure how long that is going to last.

    It feels good when we are together, so I”m not sure why he will bend over backwards to be with me sometimes, and then like this morning when it would be easy, he doesnt come. It makes no sense.

    I think that I have been starved of affection for so long, and it feels good when I have it if that makes sense. So I long for it – and maybe that makes me clingy – etc. I just want more of what I havent had for so long. So so so very long.

    I guess that because our moments are sort of ones that cant happen every day, that I really am confused now.

    But I shouldnt be after the reassurance that he has given me this week.

    What i need to do is focus on myself and how to get myself to have a good vibe and have positive strength and energy. But I just need help with that because I feel so much like … well, I only feel good when someone loves me. And since I havent had that for so long, well, now here I am. Ugh.

    Its sounds horrible when I write it but thats how I feel so I’ll leave it.

    Thanks again Mercedes. It felt good to tell you how I felt and then have you say that back to me to clarify. I really appreciate that I can be honest. :)

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:58am

  397. 397: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Okay Emerson
    At the age of 42 I walked away from a highly paid prestigious job that I had been woking over 20 years to get into(senior hospital doctor)
    I was in a right mess emotionally, self esteem shot to bits, massively overweight, stressed etc
    It was an effort even to get out of bed and wash my face

    I was lucky enough to be able to finance a year off work
    I had loads of therapy, Yoga three times a week and of course my running, which I needed then
    Before that my job had been the only focus of my life

    Im now back working full time-in a different country(but no weekend work at all instead of every second weekend)
    Im paid a bit less now but spend my weeeknds going marathon running, Im 42 pounds lighter and I think I have much more of a balance with life and work

    Forty is no age, go for it!

    PS Both my parents started their second careers at about 40-mum a teacher, father a solicitor

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:58am

  398. 398: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – Oh, I hate when that happens! I’ve run into that some, and my personal experience is that it oddly enough has come from guys who never seem to have the time to meet up.

    And, again from my personal experience, is usually a guy who is married or otherwise in a relationship and he’s looking for more of a diversion that anything else.

    Of course, your mileage may vary, but that’s my experience. :-/

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:59am

  399. 399: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    395 Elsie

    “I only feel good when someone loves me”

    You need to love yourself first
    xx

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:59am

  400. 400: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I feel inspired reading about you starting your new life in Florida.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:02am

  401. 401: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Ruth – I know that they say that. But in my case, there is this song that says “Let me love you until you learn to love yourself.” Honestly that song resonates with me, because before him, I didnt love myself and now I do because of him.

    I lost weight because he believed I could do it – and then I started to believe in myself.

    Sometimes having someone believe in you really does make you believe in yourself if you trust them.

    Thats just been my experience for what its worth.

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:03am

  402. 402: TamNo Gravatar says:

    399 Emerson, thank you!! Not feeling so inspired myself today but that will pass.. ;)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:04am

  403. 403: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have Reconnect and I love it.

    RE 376 – I’m just happy to get to experience something so beautiful.

    I love this which is the reason I don’t buy into theories, even Rori’s. I prefer to try out and then experience things for myself. It reminds me of a story I heard some time ago about people taking a beaten path but no one ever stopped to ask why not take another path or at least try it. It was shorter and more practical, then when someone had the courage to build a road there everyone wondered why it never happened before. I pay attention to people like John Gottman who have stats and proven things in labs around relationships. I read to keep myself informed but at the same time I pay attention to what happens in the real world around me. Human beings are so complex and so creative we can do anything. Including creating beautiful relationships no matter what past/present stats or experts have said. We can always break the mold.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:04am

  404. 404: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth you were overweight. OMG.

    I celebrate you and your success even more now. All the marathon running you have been doing have manifested a dream you had inside.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:07am

  405. 405: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie

    but you need to be okay without the guy too, to be able to take care of yourself whatever happens

    tht doesnt mean not to receive all the wonderful love and support, not at all
    But if you dont “need” it, then maybe you wouldnt have those desperate moments

    they are awful, I know

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:07am

  406. 406: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ruth ! Thank you for sharing that with me about you and your parents! I do feel inspired. Life balance I do not have right now at all… I’ve kind of lost myself… I have 3 part time jobs but I am still broke and trying to pay off debts and get back on my feet…
    Drained my 401k trying to “save” my house which I lost anyway… I need a miracle…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:07am

  407. 407: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW, I’ll check out Reconnect.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:08am

  408. 408: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    LOL! Tam…I’m sorry….again, I don’t think you and I communicate well at all and I really don’t think we should keep trying.

    Background:
    I spent a lot of my adult life counseling teens and abused women working (volunteer counselor) under one woman with a Masters in psychology and another with her Doctorate. I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and I have done a LOT of studying. I haven’t stopped studying nor have I closed my mind after college (currently in a program through the American Institute of Healthcare Professionals to earn my Meditation Instructor Certification). I’m probably actually a career student (or I would be if money were no object). However, I am not interested in reading the books you suggest here because I believe (my personal belief based on timing of the comment) they were suggested in order to prove that relationships like mine do not exist (or are destined to fail) and I am living proof that the theory you describe here (or how I think you are describing it) is not true for everyone so saying they “do not exist” is…well…not true.

    Yes, I can read your words…thank you for clarifying that with me…and I do infer and place my own meanings to the things you say. I believe that happens a lot on this blog and not just by me.

    So again…you and I are two of the worst communicators I’ve experienced and I’m not sure why we keep trying. It feels much to me like lots of assumptions and leaps and judgements are made by both of us and it’s exhausting. I’m quite sure if I’m exhausted then other sirens are too…just reading it all.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:08am

  409. 409: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Newfmom thanks for your feedback… Yep I do not take him seriously ….I feel like saying something but maybe save the effort and just ignoring him woukd be just as well…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:09am

  410. 410: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Pe, that’s good advice.
    Now I feel kind of embarassed at how I cried last night on the phone. I wanted to be cool and change my vibe and my vibe was changed during the day but I just felt soo sad when he called me and I couldn’t hide it…

    I just feel sooo sad and angry sometimes when I realize I can’t fully trust and lean on the man who used to be my best friend in the whole world and who I could say anything to.

    I dont know what to say today when I see him. I don’t know if I know I don’t want to be with him and that’s why I’m sabotaging it or if I feel vulnerable and like I’m losing power and that’s why I want to sabotage it…

    What do you think I should do??? ugh I feel scared and embarassed for today. Should I just try to be friends to take the pressure off? or stay with him but CD? It was annoying because I was leaning back and having a great time my past three days and I felt my vibe shift. The problem was when he called, I had some anger, and he could sense it…..so I just let it out ahha.

    I would feel really great with some advice!!! I know you really fixed up your relationship Mercedes and maybe you could help me out here??

    Let me know guys, sorry I feel icky being pushy, I just really want advice before i head off today. Also he told me to call him today when I was finished with a group so we could get lunch and “talk”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:10am

  411. 411: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Eek I feel uneasy reading the exchange between Mercedes and Tam… It sounds like a battle of wills…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:11am

  412. 412: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    403
    FW

    Im not exactly slimmer of the week now, but , yes, Im thinner

    I was actually okay eventually with being bigger as i was healthy and was still running lots of marathons(a little slower, thats all)
    I also love cooking and eating-one of life great pleasures
    The problem with losing weight sometimes is the fear of regaining it, and that can spoil the eating /cooking joy

    Just to clarify, I didnt lose weight becuase of the running.I ran 40mpw for six years and lost nothing, but it was when I stopped hating my body that the weight came off

    In my year off , I did 11 marathons in 11 weeks
    that was a first for me back then and so I *had* to trust my body to get me round
    I had to stop hating it

    then the weight started to come off

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:11am

  413. 413: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    409
    Janie
    I think CD ing would really really help you

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:13am

  414. 414: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Ruth – yes, I’m sure thats why I feel desperate – its because I feel like I “need” it. I”m sure you are right. I”m just not sure what I do about it.

    @Janie Baby wow do I feel your pain. I”m right there with you sister.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:14am

  415. 415: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel annoyed at myself and I feel naive and a terrible feeling of dread sometimes…if only I could rue. Back the clock five years!!!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:14am

  416. 416: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    411 Ruth
    Marathons …all I can say is wow!!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:15am

  417. 417: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    414
    Emerson, I almost typed that I wished I was 39 again, but you know what?

    I dont want to go back

    Im looking forward
    :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:16am

  418. 418: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth: 396. I needed that in my life right now (exactly right now). Thank you for posting it. It is a direct connection to my new year, my meditations, my thoughts…EVERYTHING. Thank you so much!

    Elsie: Re comment 398 from Ruth…I agree with Ruth. If the only reason you love yourself is because of a man then I would hope you would begin the journey of learning to love yourself because of YOU. Things can be very unstable if all your self-love is placed squarely on the shoulders of another person.

    FW: ” I read to keep myself informed but at the same time I pay attention to what happens in the real world around me.” – That is sooooo ME!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:17am

  419. 419: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    413

    Elsie this is where you focus on yourself, doing lovely things for you that make you feel good-Rori gives some good examples about and in her book

    It isnt about *keeping yourself busy*

    Its about filling your life so it is the best life for you it can be

    And then the man is a lovely bonus and not an essential

    (*pokes self in eye to take own advice*)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:18am

  420. 420: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Also, I agree FW… I feel that if we get too stuck on “facts” and “statistics” we lose sight of what’s beautiful and the timeless and the humanity.

    I love science classes, and I feel in awe learning about all the intricate crazy processes in the world, but I also feel open to different ways of thinking that can’t be or haven’t been proven by science.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:20am

  421. 421: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @ruth and mercedes – how do you even get there? I only feel calm and relaxed when I feel loved. by someone else. to be specific – him. Its been so long since someone has truly loved me – and it feels so good – my oxytocin levels go nuts and I just feel like I need another “fix” lol….lol!!!!

    How do I go from that – to……hey, reading a book feels nice – ok, yah, but not as nice as oxytocin LOL! :)

    Elsie

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:21am

  422. 422: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    417
    Mercedes
    thank you

    I have back slid a bit(lot) on the self esteem front

    It needs work

    But still
    If I did it before, I can do it again

    Forgot to say that to get werhe I am now took almost four years woth of temporary jobs

    Its funny, but \im back in the place I originally trained in, back with people I have known for fifteen years

    Its nice, even if I dont have the same seniority , salary or “kudos”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:23am

  423. 423: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    well, Elsie, if I HAD got there, i wouldnt be here
    It a long slow process

    Oxytocin is a drug for sure

    robs you of all reason

    Right now, i am sittting here gazing at a cell phone waiting for a text

    aaaaaargh

    Right well, I might think about a run in that horrible white stuff out there

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:26am

  424. 424: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie..
    I felt the same way as you a couple months ago. I felt sooo anxious and desperate to see him every second and would make suggestions and get soo angry. Finally, I broke one day after months of feeling this way.
    I read a couple books that helped me with anxiety
    “the power of now” by eckhart tolle
    “how to heal your life” by louise hay
    instead of reading books on how to fix everything with him.
    I have been trying meditation and yoga and going out and flirting with guys (just as friends)…I go out with my girlfriends and really try to focus on the moment.
    Trust that you’ll be ok no matter what. This is so hard and what I’m trying to do currently but with this, we can be courageous in spite of the fear in being truthful to our hearts without attacking or blaming another person.

    I definitely haven’t changed completely. As this morning and last night, I have been feeling the anxiety again, but it’s not as bad as before….
    please read “power of now”!Maybe it will help you!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:27am

  425. 425: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Seriously though

    its worth learning how to *really* relax via Yoga or meditation
    Although I cried and cried through loads of my Yoga sessions as all the repressed emotions came out
    Luckily our lovely teacher had done much the same when she started

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:28am

  426. 426: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Yea Ruth going forward is good…
    I look back too often because I’m looking for something…
    Familiarity, comfort, help, memories of love and companionship… I feel lonely sometimes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:28am

  427. 427: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Janie

    Im a trained medical person and i am very open to complementary medicine

    some of the things I have seen in my career could NOT be explained by science

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:30am

  428. 428: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    425

    Emerson, nice memories are good to look back on
    Im doing that photo a day thing, and writing nice experiences as i have them on paper, and putting them in a jar to read at the end of the year

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:32am

  429. 429: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Hm Ruth,
    I feel curious to hear more about this!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:32am

  430. 430: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth what you said resonates with me so much… I work lots if weekends and yet here I am sick in bed losing two days of pay because I’m worn out! Ugh
    I miss my weekends!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:33am

  431. 431: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    what the jar and photo thing janie, or the Yoga?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:34am

  432. 432: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    410

    Emerson…haha! I felt relief and giggled reading this…
    I was just about to get sucked into at least one or two old roles and
    this helped me laugh and redirect my attention.
    I’m here at the cafe to write and instead on the blog..YIKES..
    move along, nothing to see here…I have my own stuff to focus on, everyone here are adults and can handle themselves wonderfully and
    I feel SO much better
    because just outside the window is
    an Allegedly Creepy guy who is shaking all over
    but while I was typing this out I looked over at him and smiled and made eye contact and waved back at him while keeping my heart open and
    then noticed he has a palsy of some sort.
    Commanding waves of peace, love and acceptance through my being
    loving the irritation,
    Noticing that my mirror neurons are firing up and wanting to mimic his movements and resisting that feels painful,
    I want to be the stronger vibe
    haha
    maybe a battle of wills here, too?
    :D

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:35am

  433. 433: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    “some of the things I have seen in my career could NOT be explained by science”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:35am

  434. 434: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, I used to do a one in two on call,(every other weekend too) and I *was* called in a lot at night to deal with sick kidney patients

    I did on call and stupid hours for, um,16 years

    Not any more

    its worth the pay cut

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:36am

  435. 435: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie I know what you mean… I miss the days I had with my ex and when I felt loved and special and like I was so amazing to him… It was awesome! Such a crash when it ended.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:36am

  436. 436: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Dear limbic system:

    I don’t want to feel irritated being so close to Shaky Guy and at the same time I don’t want to move to another spot which will also be uncomfortable for different reasons.

    I don’t want to feel uncomfortable and irritated, I want to feel comfortable, peaceful, relaxed and inspired.
    I’m not sure what to do here, what do you think?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:37am

  437. 437: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay lizka!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:37am

  438. 438: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie: For me, it came from taking really, really good care of myself (my looks, my dress, my food intake, my water intake, my amount of exercise, etc) and from meditation and visualizations. I learned to look in the mirror and love me and I learned to meditate on and visualize the continued changes I would like to make (while still imagining myself as FABULOUS).

    I still follow this process today (most days. I do have my lazy days for sure!). I love myself very much and I love being ME because I know I am who I want to be and I know I am also willing to grow. All that love leaves plenty of reason and space for J to love me too.

    It’s not up to him to make sure I feel loved, I got that on my own. It’s not up to him to make me feel secure and happy and confident. That’s MY job. As part of that job, I have created a space in my life and in my heart for someone else to love me. I don’t demand it from him and I don’t “need” it but I have space for it and he stepped up to fill that space.

    Part of getting there was, I believe, circular dating. It’s a huge confidence builder and it gave me a reason to take care of myself (wanted to look good on my dates).

    Also, the visualizations. I faked it for a while. I imagined myself beautiful and I imagined me loving myself but it took a while for me to really believe it. Now I just kind of take it for granted. lol. Fake it til you make it I guess…and I made it. :-)

    Much like you I love myself some oxy…but it isn’t the only way I can experience love and that to me is very important.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:38am

  439. 439: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    432 Janie
    as one example
    the way patients wont die until a certain relative has got there for one

    Unexplained cancer remissions
    all sorts of odd stuff

    It usually follows the path its supposed to, but sometimes miracles happen

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:38am

  440. 440: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    This just made my heart cry a little bit…interesting.
    Love love showers of love (thank you Starla!) for feeling irritated and uncertain and b*tchy.
    Dear imagination,
    I do not want to feel choked up and yucky about smoke that is OUTSIDE and cannot touch me.
    (haha the guy is smoking and my body is reacting as if he is inside, the power of imagination and glass windows, haha this is too funny).

    Please use your imaginal superpowers to soothe, ease, comfort and inspire me and also help me remember what the h3ll I came here to write about anyway.

    Thank you for the irritation and, I want to feel good :)

    Love,
    BeLoved

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:40am

  441. 441: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi dr Ruth, I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while…
    I know your a liver dr but what do you know bout the kidneys? I’m caring a lot of fear around immUnotherapy for the kidneys?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:42am

  442. 442: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Ohmigosh omg omg omg omg, He just got up and left and walked across the street!!!
    Whaaaa??

    Ahahahhaha
    I have infinite feelings of appreciation for all my creations, thank you this is fun!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:43am

  443. 443: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Nah smile, Im a kidney doc

    I just pickle my liver;)

    ask away
    :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:43am

  444. 444: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    433

    Sick kidney patients… Ruth this scares me :(

    Is kidney disease life threatening?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:44am

  445. 445: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    441 BeLoved you have a h*ll of a powerful brain

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:44am

  446. 446: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    wow that feels great to read Ruth!
    I just ordered “a course in miracles” on amazon.
    Can’t wait to read!!

    Mercedes,
    I am trying to visualizations and affirmations…I just don’t fully believe them DEEP DOWN yet… I really want to get to the point where I believe them!! Alsooo I was wondering if you could give me a little feedback on what you would say to my post on 409 if you have any? thank youuu!!

    I feel like taking a nap soon haha I’m soo lazy! It’s my time of month and usually I’ve been getting up early to go to yoga but today I feel like sleeping in before rehearsal.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:44am

  447. 447: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    431 beloved
    Aww I feel soft and loving to read about you waving and acknowledging that guy… He’s probably admiring your beauty and your eye contact and wave probably made his day… It made my day just reading it! It’s so much more fulfilling to broken hearted and kind…
    I want to practice it more often and have a soft open vibe…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:47am

  448. 448: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    443
    Smile, no not necessarily
    Remember I work in a hospital and a dialysis unit
    the patients who are in hospital as there cos they are sick-I get a really skewed view
    Most of my in hospital dialysis lot are old with loads of other things wrong with them

    I have lots of very healthy people in the out patient clinic who I see every few months, actually, most of those are now followed up by GPs-leaving me with the complex ones

    ther is a whole spectrum of *kidney disease*

    Ranging form very sick to occasional monitoring

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:48am

  449. 449: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    also Smile, if you want to PM via facebook thats fine too
    :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:49am

  450. 450: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    A wave of gratitude just unleashed from my heart and I feel JOY radiating from my heart and all through my body, mostly in my torso and throat.
    I feel relief,
    and like I want to cry/laugh
    I feel so grounded and centered and whole right now.
    Thank you! Thank you!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:50am

  451. 451: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    My face is peeling and weird looking from a chemical peel right now. So QZ is coming over to my place to cook me dinner:).

    awwwwwww

    i asked him if we went out if a paper bag would be necessary. He started joking about how he’s hurt i would want him to cover his head with a paper bag. he is so kind and supportive to me.

    If I have time, I’m going to decorate a paper bag with a different face on each side. One side will be happy, the other will be sad, one will be smoking a joint, the last side will be reciting shakespeare.

    it feels so freeing and large to be with a man who inspires me to do pointless crafts to amuse ourselves.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:51am

  452. 452: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Ruth, Amb cd has to start some immunotherapy, I think that’s what it’s called. It just scared me a bit. I tried to research it but didn’t get very far.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:51am

  453. 453: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    448, thank you Ruth, I will :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:54am

  454. 454: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Janie Baby: I didn’t believe it deep down for a long time either and I still have my days when I falter from it (I call those my lazy days). It took a lot of practice. I think many people give up on meditation because it feels like it “isn’t working” when in reality, it is, but it needs more time for the effects to be realized. Not sure that makes any sense but it is what my fingers typed. lol

    On comment 409 (and I’m so sorry…I was caught up in my own drama and didn’t realize you had reached out to me):
    “I wanted to be cool and change my vibe and my vibe was changed during the day but I just felt soo sad when he called me and I couldn’t hide it…”

    Please don’t hide anything or try to be cool. Being authentic is a really good thing and sometimes that means you will cry. The more your vibe is changed when you are not in his presence (or on the phone with him, etc), the more it will change when you ARE. It’ll come honey…no quick fixes here though.

    “Should I just try to be friends to take the pressure off? or stay with him but CD?”

    I suggest neither. I suggest you CD and leave space for him to be in your rotation if he wants to be. Not exactly “staying with him” but being open to him if he comes to you.

    A real, real focus on YOU is so necessary right now. Totally let him lead where he wants to and you move on with your life and with dating. If he wants to heal this with you, he will step up and he will lead you together. If he doesn’t, it’ll be okay because you will be on your own journey of healing and making space for love.

    I hope that helps a little…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:55am

  455. 455: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hey sirens, i try to be anonymous on the blog, but if Ruth doesn’t mind, you can connect with her to find me on facebook under my real name. it would feel fun to be friends with all of you:)

    as long as you never call me starla on facebook, lol

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:55am

  456. 456: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, the paper bags made me giggle :-)

    I’m loving you & qz back together – feels magical & twinkly & happy in my heart.

    Like life should be :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:56am

  457. 457: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Starla (454) – I guess I didn’t see where to connect with you or Ruth. I wonder if I can post my fb link here and not have it deleted.

    Anyone? I don’t want to break any rules.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:00am

  458. 458: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – Also this man has never and never will lie to me.

    I felt and laugh of incredulity on the inside of me when I read this. I would not assume anything even if he told me. I have men who will tell me something private and then tell me outright if I repeat it and someone asks them about it they will lie and say they never told me that.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:05am

  459. 459: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    newfmom, you can definitely post your fb link here, if you feel comfortable doing it.

    if you want to be completely anonymous here, i would advise against it, in case someone googles for your name and your name is in your fb link, etc.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:05am

  460. 460: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    RecycledCD is back in a pedestal in my mind. Starla, Recycled is kinda like my crack fix…. Now and then I have reallly bad withdrawals. I’m really missing him as we had always spent Xmas and birthdays together and I feel sad and empty.
    I also feel a bit deflated as two of my jobs I feel disrespected and unappreciated by my female counterparts and bosses… They talk to me disrespectfully or change my schedule at the last minute and I feel trapped and stunned and unsure of myself and how to respond … I feel angry becuz I actually just want to get in with my day and work and not deal with the politicking or biting comments.
    It feels so much better knowing i have backup at home like a relationship of some sort and I resent myself for wanting and needing that… I really judge myself for not being stronger or more independent…. I appear that way but inside I want to collapse … I’m very sensitive …..

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:07am

  461. 461: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    whos got the links to Siren Island??

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:07am

  462. 462: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – I know, right!!?? I feel so amazed. He left his cup half-full, and started pacing back and forth, stopping just short of where he had been sitting as if he could NOT come close.
    The Very Best Thing I Have Done For Myself So Far tm has been to use Rori’s tools/FM’s with ME, my body, my dream characters, traumatic memories, the imaginary people and voices in my head wh used to drive me crazy…
    The forever relationship I want is between ME and ME :D

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:18am

  463. 463: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    I absolutely feel comfortable here and don’t feel the need to not be open. :-)

    http://www.facebook.com/FlyingWizard

    All I ask is that you message me letting me know that you’re from Rori’s blog. I don’t often accept friend requests from people who aren’t at least friends of friends. I’ve opened up my page to be visible to the public for this occasion.

    My name is Danielle Bingham (on FB: Danielle Wizzie Bingham), and you can Google me. The results will say that I’m a writer. If you add my middle initial K (only, no period after), I come up as a breeder and fancier of Newfoundland show dogs.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:19am

  464. 464: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((Emerson))))))))))

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:22am

  465. 465: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    337: Mercedes.

    Ty For sharing, it felt so lovely and gorgeous to read. X

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:26am

  466. 466: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth I sent you a pm. Thank you.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:37am

  467. 467: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, he he, I have the urge to work it out, who else are you friends with?

    I don’t want to join siren island because I want to remain anonymous for lots of reasons and I don’t ‘know’ everyone on there.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:40am

  468. 468: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    I just got a friend request, but I don’t know who it’s from on here. Could you please pm me?

    Thanks!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:41am

  469. 469: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Last bite felt scary and a grudging and I felt so glad to go to sleep.

    This morning I felt so good, then I started thinking about last nite and felt scared again

    My mom came and had like a meltdown

    I feel glad that she yelled and got a lot of express stuff out

    It felt triggering for me

    I’m getting better at taking care of me without shutting down

    I love my shutdown

    I love my rage

    I love my fear

    I love my anger

    I love my blame

    I feel it now

    I love my hotness

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:42am

  470. 470: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    newf, i tried to send you a message after i friended you just now but it says that you don’t accept messages from strangers

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:43am

  471. 471: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling okay today. Making plans for my weekend. Haven’t heard from him yet about next week nor will I bring it up. In fact, I’m making plans irregardless of what he wants to do. If he calls and asks me about next week and I already have plans, so be it. I won’t change them for him.

    A good point was made yesterday about him thinking that I’m just always here and available when it’s convenient for him.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:43am

  472. 472: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad that Daria is feeling sad

    I feel guilty for not taking even better care of he
    I feel compelled to bear myself up and I don’t want to

    I love all of me

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:44am

  473. 473: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    smile, i’m friends with lots of sirens.. my profile pic is me in a black dress with dark red hair seated surrounded by a few men, hehe. and there’s a burrito in my hand.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:45am

  474. 474: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    That’s odd, Starla – I thought I set that. I’ve gotten messages from non-friends before.

    Ah, well – I’ll just reply to you. :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 9:48am

  475. 475: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, thats fair enough
    How I hate politics at work

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:14am

  476. 476: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Ima- I can relate to that. I’m super shy when I first meet someone. I have no advise, other than babysteps… ?

    I feel open to suggestions from other sirens how they go about to be that confident, juicy, intriguing woman that men can’t help but want to know more.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:19am

  477. 477: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I dont know how you lot are going to find me on facebook if i dont put my surname on here, and, actually, no, Im not happy doing that cos I have posted some flaky stuff on here LOL

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:21am

  478. 478: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry ruth i just meant people who are already friends with you:)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:23am

  479. 479: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    ALA: “I feel open to suggestions from other sirens how they go about to be that confident, juicy, intriguing woman that men can’t help but want to know more.” Maybe pick a role model (someone you see this way – Like for me it would be maybe Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe or Jackie Kennedy, etc) and pretend to be her for the day. Walk like her, try to think like her, visualize yourself like her, think what would she do before you act, etc. Fake it til you make it? ;-)

    Ruth: I’m the same way. No connection between this blog and fb for me either. Totally not comfortable with it. I don’t even use the same email address here that I use there.

    Thank you Annie for being so receptive to what I had to say.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:25am

  480. 480: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – There’s a little “flaky” in *all* of us. ;-) Besides, I made myself quite public, so feel free to contact me.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:27am

  481. 481: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,
    I just took an hour nap. Felt soo good! I felt answers coming to me in my sleep and forgot them once I woke up, but I feel like the wisdom is still in me and will guide me today.

    “I think many people give up on meditation because it feels like it “isn’t working” when in reality, it is, but it needs more time for the effects to be realized. ” This makes sense to me….I hope soon it will make sense for me!!

    Thanks so much for your advice :) Helped alot…I guess I won’t make any decisions one way or the other. I will just BE…The only problem is I met a couple nice guys yesterday who I want to go out with but I don’t want him to think I’m cheating on him if he sees me out with other men you know? So I don’t know whether to warn him? Or just say ya I totally understand you’re not ready…. kind of break off our “boyfriend girlfriend” commitment so I don’t have to tell him anything hehe..

    Feeling better.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:28am

  482. 482: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hey sirens I feel tempted to join the island on Facebook too but not today..maybe in the future. It would feel fun to see you all :-)

    Thanks for the hug Starla and thanks for your comment Ruth…
    I feel so unmotivated at my job that does not treat me well. I dont want to be there. Here I go again missing “the old days” when I was at a single high paying job with respect…
    Recreating my life is harder than I thought….
    I never dreamed I’d be in this position when I was in my 20′s… I had high hopes for myself
    It’s not too late I know that.
    But I’m feeling tired and not taking care of myself is not helping ….something needs to change!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:32am

  483. 483: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Janie Baby: “but I don’t want him to think I’m cheating on him if he sees me out with other men” – To me, this is what the “no girlfriend” speech is all about. It’s so you are very clear to him that you are going to keep your options open until you have the relationship you want. At that point, there is no cheating. You have told him what you want, told him what you were going to do and then went out and did it. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:33am

  484. 484: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Janie baby – I so get where you’re at. I explained things to Phillip as my way of taking pressure off of the relationship. I also said that I didn’t want to have a laser lock on him, which would make him back away. On the surface, he’s fine with it, but every once in a while, he would ask me how many dates I’ve been on, or stuff like that.

    My response to that is, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing my dates with you.”

    Simple, too the point and puts everything into perspective for him – that you are to be “won” – not “had.”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:36am

  485. 485: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Emerson & anyone interested- Siren Island is a “secret” group on fb. No one sees our posts outside of the members. Some have created “Siren” fb profiles to join, others (like myself) are just there with our real profiles. Your choice, but it’s very safe….

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:38am

  486. 486: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    CurvySiren10 – I tried looking the group up, but didn’t find it. Does that mean it’s an invite only group?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:41am

  487. 487: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes:
    Cool thanks!!! I feel better about facing the day :)
    One more thing: should I stop sleeping with him too or tell him I will just be sexually exclusive with him for now? I’m not really sure about that.

    Newfmom:
    Hmm! Ok feels good to read that you’re on the same page! I am definitely not trying to force anyone. I want him to call me because HE wants to call me. Not because I want him to… you know?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:43am

  488. 488: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    yeah but New mom, if my patients ever realised I had feelings;)

    Staral, oh, thats fine
    :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:43am

  489. 489: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not on siren island on fb. i can only do so much, haha. i do LOTS of blogging here, so…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:43am

  490. 490: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    LOL
    to clarify
    the patients know I laugh and cry with them
    Im being British again LOL

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:45am

  491. 491: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson

    It sucks
    it really does
    And it is *so* much harder work at 40 than it is at 20
    I think because you know more and more about what can go wrong

    but you can do it

    tiny bites of the elephant

    one little change at a time

    (hark at me dishing it out when i should be doing it myself)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:47am

  492. 492: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Newfmom, yep- invite only. Part of the “secret” thing. It can’t be searched. Butterflywings (on here) is one of the admins who can add you. She’s in Australia, so may not be up and around right now :) but she can do it when she gets back online.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:50am

  493. 493: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Janie (486) – yes, I know *exactly* what you mean. Phillip and I will be having the sexually-exclusive dialog again, soon. We had been, but since his “freakout,” I don’t know what his thoughts are.

    I also get the wanting him to *want* to contact. That was probably one of the most difficult things for me to do in the beginning. I’m still a long way from getting it down pat, but I’m finding it easier every day.

    Ruth (487) – I have *plenty* of Brit friends who are all kinds of lovey and feeling, so you can’t make me believe that. ;-)

    I am a woman who harbors many confidences – because I am trusted to keep them. :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:57am

  494. 494: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Curvy – thank you!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:58am

  495. 495: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Janie Baby: “should I stop sleeping with him too or tell him I will just be sexually exclusive with him for now?”

    This is so incredibly individual that I can’t really say. I would ask you to ask yourself if your heart and truly be open to the possibility of finding your true love in one of your CDs while you’re sleeping with another man. If your answer is yes, you can be open to finding love with someone new while sleeping with someone you know now then I see no harm in it. If you think your heart will close to real possibilities if you are sexually active with this man then I would suggest you not sleep with him.

    It’s up to you though. Can you sleep with a man an rockstar it or does your heart get all tangled up?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:00am

  496. 496: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Oohhh – I love this post from Rori. I needed to hear all of those lovely ideas on how to be good to yourself! I’ve been sick and ignoring it for 6 weeks now and today I finally went ot the doctor and they think I have pneumonia . . . won’t know for sure until they read the x-rays, but my poor lungs are very unhappy regardless of the diagnosis and i feel bad for putting off going to the doctor when i KNEW i was sick and not getting any better. I need to be kinder to myself – I’m trying, but then a ignore a basic function, like good health until I am in so much pain i can’t sleep . . .

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:01am

  497. 497: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @271 Linda – this is a little late, but thank you so much for your kind, thought-out words. They really mean a lot to me!

    I feel so much better today. I feel somewhat detached and incredibly curious about what I wrote yesterday.

    Went out last night and had a lovely time. :)

    I’m thankful for my full, busy life and the wonderful people in it, including you lovely ladies on the blog! :)

    At the moment I don’t have any hard feelings, I feel peace.

    Also, I don’t think I was clear in my venting. My flashbacks weren’t of him, but of someone else several years ago. I kind of made it sound like the flashbacks were of him.

    The situation triggered extremely painful memories, even though I am not nearly as close to SMC as I was to the other guy in my past.

    That’s a large reason as to why it feels so embarassing to me.

    It’s like re-hashed pain, and I don’t know if he could even understand that this really isn’t about him at all.

    I hope he doesn’t feel any kind of pressure or responsibility like that when I react to him the way I do…

    Today, I even feel like I could be friends with him, no big deal. But I know how simply being around him affects me physically, hormonally, chemically.

    I know how aggressive he is when he wants something or someone’s attention.

    I don’t want to go there and be reminded of pain from my past.

    I’m letting it go, and that feels empowering.

    Imaginary relationships mean a lot to someone with a vivid imagination.

    I’m ready for reality to mean so much more to me.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:03am

  498. 498: NewfMomNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso – I’m so sorry you’re ill. It doesn’t matter if it’s pneumonia or not – it still hurts to breathe.

    Hope you feel better soon!

    Now I really must get back to work – this has been so much fun and very interesting. You Sirens ROCK!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:04am

  499. 499: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Naina! Great catch of how we block love! Love, Rori

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:06am

  500. 500: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, this feels really strange, but I almost feel guilty about not feeling sad about it anymore?

    What is wrong with me?

    wait.

    What is RIGHT with me?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:06am

  501. 501: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Ruth !
    Steals I’m confuses I thought you were on siren island on fb!!??

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:11am

  502. 502: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m glad to have your support ladies…. I need to clarify some things for myself and I’ve gotten so caught up I’m the rat race I can’t think clearly…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:13am

  503. 503: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    butterfly, I LOVE this! Who says we’re supposed to feel ANY way in particular? I noticed I feel guilty about feeling good when others (or my dog or cat) aren’t feeling well. I feel selfish and self-centered not focusing on the pain of others and trying to “fix” it. This is where my work is, and has been for a long time – seeing the world and what’s in front of me as IT IS – and still approving of happiness in general and for me in particular. Isn’t that the thing? That pleasure is a no-no under “certain” circumstances? Love, Rori

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  504. 504: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I’m missing K today. Wish I wasn’t!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  505. 505: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Newfmom & Mercedes,
    yeah! Sometimes I think I can rockstar it but then a couple days later I get that nagging feeling inside, which I don’t get when I don’t sleep with him for a while… I feel more empowered..but sometimes in the moment it just feels like a natural expression of our feelings…

    I trust my heart to tell me soon
    Have a great day ladies! Thank you for the inspiration <3

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  506. 506: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso,I hope you are on anti biotics now

    hope youare ok
    *worried*

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:19am

  507. 507: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm what can I do to clarify things for myself and my future?

    When I was young I would dream about wonderful things I saw on the life ahead of me and some have come true ….

    But I feel so blocked and I’ve felt this way for a while…from the outside people think I’m doing great but I feel as if I’m drowning ….

    What am I afraid of to move past one stage to the next ?!
    Is that why I’m blocked!?

    I have a feeling it has to do with facing fears…
    I feel like I need to get away to get clarity ….

    I think I need to get truly authentic with myself and with others…. But I feel afraid of that… People may react “badly”…or reject me…

    Thanks sirens I’m just brain dumping here and it’s helping…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:19am

  508. 508: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    500
    Butterfly darling

    you are so totally right
    Dont change
    xx

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:21am

  509. 509: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    503
    Me too Rori I feel shame for feeling happy when others are not… I feel I should downplay it so I’m not “rubbing it in”…
    For me, this is a learned behavior from growing up

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:22am

  510. 510: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson, massages are amazing for getting past blocks. We hold so much emotion/tension in our bodies. I’m going to have one today. :) *sigh*yumm

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:25am

  511. 511: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Perhaps ill take a notebook to a park or coffee shop and brainstorm with myself … Vision board of sorts, but in writing…

    Ooh I may just take a weekend away by myself and be totally alone with myself !!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:25am

  512. 512: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Moving magic this is so true… I am feeling “off” in my body as I’ve been neglecting it…thank you for bringing this up! I used to have body work and massages done … Long ago …and I loved it ..

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:28am

  513. 513: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @503 Rori – :D

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:35am

  514. 514: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    Hola Ladies!! Hope U all enjoy Ur weekend!! I’m outta work my weekend starts now!! Xoxo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:37am

  515. 515: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’m grateful for Rori and what Ive learned… I catch myself like right now I recognize I’m so tempted to be in boy energy with blueCD and be the “convincer” and come up with ideas of things to do together…. And I tempted to lean forward becuz I want his attention! But I stop myself and I know it kills attraction ….practice practice !!!

    Many times Ive been able to attract men just by being me and not “trying”… They just appear… Like magic…

    I want that to come back! I can be like that again!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:51am

  516. 516: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – they did not start me on anything because they think it might be an Atypical Pneumonia. Lab results tomorrow . . . I abhor taking medications . . . especially anti-biotics! Yesterday i went to the chiropractor thiniking the pain was spinal between my shoulder blades . . . monday I had a deep tissue massage . . . i guess my body just finally figured out that the only way to drive me to a real doctor was to hurt me into it . . .

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:05pm

  517. 517: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm…Emerson, you said “I want to be like that again”. What if you changed that to. “I AM like that again”? Fake it til you make it. *also a note to self* ;)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:05pm

  518. 518: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Calypso FFS
    Aytpical just means diff anti bs

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:10pm

  519. 519: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    awesome . . . I was hoping it meant I could continue pretending it wasn’t an issue – lol

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:13pm

  520. 520: Memulo says:

    I’m going away for a weekend with my cd and I feel that I’m lying to everyone, starting with myself. I’m doing something comfortable

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:14pm

  521. 521: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Moving magic I like that !

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:15pm

  522. 522: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I just had an idea that perhaps I can “have it all”!
    Why not?! It’s up to me…

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:23pm

  523. 523: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson: :-) YES!! YOU CAN!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:31pm

  524. 524: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Mercedes !

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:35pm

  525. 525: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hey memulo, what do you need?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:37pm

  526. 526: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry, i mean, what do you MEAN, not need. i’m typing too fast.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:37pm

  527. 527: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I want to lean forward sooo badly with blueCD !!!! Nope not gonna do it!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:40pm

  528. 528: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson: I’m one for leaning forward sometimes but not at all when I feel like this: “becuz I want his attention!”

    If you can go over and over and over in your mind about why you want to lean forward “I want his attention!” …it’ll probably help you stay stronger and allow for you to wait until he’s dying for YOUR attention… :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:45pm

  529. 529: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    I’m still talking with Cowboy CD and he has friended me on FB. I have a guy friend on there named Bruce who is always posting something funny on my page or responding to things I say. Some of my girlfriends refer to him in my posts too – like if my dishwaher breaks down, they say, “Call Bruce”, etc. It is a running joke because he pretends to be in love with me, but he is quite gay. Anyone who does not know him would not understand that – I have had friends from other areas ask me “So, who is Bruce? Is he someone special in your life?” . . . I always just say, “He is special alright . . . lol”

    Anyway – now I am talking with Cowboy CD and i know he has to be wondering about Bruce, but i am soooo proud of myself for not leaning forward and explaining! If he wants to know, he can ask me. In the past, i would have fallen all over myself to explain how we are not an item . . . let him wonder :-)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:45pm

  530. 530: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo maybe you can use the opportunity to ask him if he is open to having a heart to heart with you. Then tell him you find yourself feeling off about what’s happening between you two because you are not 100% sure of what you want?

    I believe you have blocked yourself off from feeling anything with him because of the false chemistry with the other guy. I have heard Rori talk about this with another coach (maybe CC) in an interview. It is something that many of us women do. Maybe talking about it with him might help you remove the block for yourself and feel good about yourself. It seems to me that right now you are being a bit inauthentic. You are not sharing your true feelings and are just going along with him because he is there. Maybe speaking about it might help you face yourself.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:52pm

  531. 531: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    MovingMagic you read a bit like Siren Angel to me. Are you?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 12:57pm

  532. 532: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t find that amazing comment by Pe… where she was giving advice including some scripts for keeping it light on the phone…

    help! :(

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:00pm

  533. 533: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens – I need a favor from any of you who are currently on POF. My sister and her fiance have entered the contest to win $100,000 . . . if you don’t mind, click this link and vote for Joe and Robin! Let’s help the love birds win this!!!

    http://www.pof.com/contest_vote.aspx?id=D4E5C4A9-B93F-4E1F-95C1-60C6188FFC9C

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:07pm

  534. 534: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria 205?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:19pm

  535. 535: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    daria, it’s 205

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:21pm

  536. 536: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    sirens… I have had a better day. Yesterday was so bad but I am believing that it was a necessary part of my journey. The things my mind can put together and believe is quite scarey actually. Concentrating on the little things like I did…drawing conclusions… well I really dont know what came over me.

    I have had similar battles in my mind but quickly extinguished them before but yesterday… it just ran like a blazing fire and burned intensly

    As I read over my posts yesterday evening, even though there are things that are very true to me… there are other things that are fabricated by fear that took over me mentally and physicaly. I scared even me with myself.

    Today… on his way to pick up his daughter from school, FavoriteCD dropped by to see me after his return from his being out of town for work all week. He surprised me with his warmth and words…and gifts. He brought me a fun night light that fits in the theme of my kitchen, our kissing chocholate (dove) and… my favorite.. hard to find in stores “mint” chapstick. ! I was totally delighted and touched by his “I was thinking about you”. He is truely the sweetest man and I love the way he chooses to express himself to me. Here I was thinking he did not even think of me and took his lack of contact as a sign of him being disintersted in me.

    What have I learned today? Well I have definately has something confirmed that Dominique has suggested. (she is so wise)…. “can you learn to accept the way he chooses to show his feelings for you and let that be enough”?…. I have to say after today… yes! I am willing to be open, learn and receive. Honestly what he brought me from his own heart was better than anything I could have required to feed my insecurities. His spontaneous gifts fed my soul AGAIN! Receiving from him today is so much more meaningful than anything I could have manipulated or required from him.

    Wow… I am amazed … truely amazed. Thank you Dominique I would have missed this if you had not said anything.

    XO

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:33pm

  537. 537: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Linda these are the things why I love this place so much

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:36pm

  538. 538: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    This is a good place indeed! A really good place

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:47pm

  539. 539: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I get constant reminders that no contact is no cause for any sort of alarm. And I am going to lock these little reminders somewhere deep inside my brain for when I need them.

    Mr A was unusually quiet this work week. He frequently sends small texts emails throughout the day, but this week they were strangely absent. The first two days I didn’t think anything of it, but by the third… it felt like something was missing. I was starting to feel a little bit of concern.

    Things were absolutely fine at home, no weirdness or distance.

    So I just let it go.

    Today, I got a text at lunch… “I’ve been so busy this week! But I’ve been thinking about you!”

    But of course you have, sweet man. How could you not? :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:49pm

  540. 540: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    It may sound silly but him bringing me “mint” chapstick was so touching… A diamond ring would not have meant as much today! (of course I would have not turned one of those down by any means )… just saying. haha

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:51pm

  541. 541: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel you say that to him?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:52pm

  542. 542: MelNo Gravatar says:

    LOL, nope! But I THINK it! ;)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:54pm

  543. 543: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay, mel. you always inspire me:)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:56pm

  544. 544: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Mel… I love that…”Of course you have sweet man, how could you not”…..

    LOVE IT !

    FavoriteCD said… I have been thinking about you all week…and his kiss ,the way he held me so snuggly told me he really did.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 1:56pm

  545. 545: MelNo Gravatar says:

    And when he got home, I was looking at some dresses online (I was going to treat myself) I asked his opinion and he said “OOOh, can I buy you something?!”

    “Yippee! Sure!! I would feel lovely wearing that one.”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

  546. 546: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Starla! I feel inspired by you too, :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 2:01pm

  547. 547: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    Re: chapstick
    Sometimes it’s those silly little things that mean soooo much. :) Sounds like a sweetie.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 2:07pm

  548. 548: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I will remember that one. I wore the earings that he surprised me with for christmas the other day and just after he finished kissing me. He noticed them and “oh you have the my earings on” I said, yes I really like them, you have such good taste. he said “of course I do… you are proof of that!

    soul food is all I can say

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 2:10pm

  549. 549: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    QZ did something so uncharacteristic the other day. I have my jewelry all mounted to my bedroom walls, cuz I have sooo much, and there isn’t an armoire in the world to hold it all. And he was looking at it as I was picking out my earrings for the day, and he said “i’m trying to get an idea of your taste, for when i buy you jewelry.”

    whaaaaaat? haha i didn’t know he was the jewelry buying type.

    what a sweet man. i see so many ways he’s trying to just please me as the woman i am, and the things i like and appreciate. even if it’s not his ‘thing.’

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 2:16pm

  550. 550: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Mel … he truely is. Just the right mix of sweet man and bad boy all in one. SOOO delightful. I can not think of any man I have ever met that I liked so much on mutliple levels. He is so the kind of man you take home to mom, go to church with, introduce to the kids, trust with your dog… and have your way with in private. So right for me.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 2:18pm

  551. 551: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve noticed I like being called things like lovely and cutie etc. It makes me feel good :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:08pm

  552. 552: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tonight as I fall asleep I’m going to visualise my perfect relationship. All yummy feelings I want to manifest for myself and future relationship

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:09pm

  553. 553: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, it feels nice to ‘meet’ you :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:10pm

  554. 554: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, your posts feel so great to read :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:11pm

  555. 555: Memulo says:

    Starla I mean that I’m acting like I’m in a romantic relationship and we are going away for a romantic weekend but I don’t feel any of it. I’m accepting it because he is nice to me and I don’t want to be alone

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:17pm

  556. 556: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    awww memulo

    i just want to hug you:(

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:23pm

  557. 557: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – 336 – YAY you for hanging in there, LOVE the dream, Happy dance!!!

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:31pm

  558. 558: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 340 – There is a big difference in saying you feel disappointed and acting disappointed. You DID feel disappointed, so this is your truth. BUT you don’t have to act down in the mouth and sad faced around him. You can still be open and welcoming, melt when he does call you or come see you again. This too is your truth. You ARE feeling happy to see him, aren’t you?

    If you are feeling needy and clingy, then this is a sure sign you need to be taking better care of yourself, immersing yourself in things you love to do, surrounding yourself with people you love eto hang out with.

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:37pm

  559. 559: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    FeminineWoman, I’m not Siren Angel. Haha…I was really tempted to make a joke about how I’m no angel. ;) It would be interesting to read her posts & compare.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:43pm

  560. 560: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay, time to go home for the week, take a nice, relaxing shower, and wait for my man to come make me dinner:)

    and then i have the whole weekend to myself. no plans with QZ beyond tonight (but we already made plans for next weekend). I did this on purpose. I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with spending all my free time with him; i need a couple days to just clean and get my life in order. it will be nice when he moves back to my city and we can just see each other for short visits when life is crazy.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:47pm

  561. 561: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – 353 – Actually the friction was within myself triggered by something in the relationship, or rather in K, if that makes any sense. The relationship itself did not have conflict. I did.

    I had to confront some deep, dark demons I had ignored and/or denied their existence. If I hadn’t recognized this and right away, yes the relationship could have had and likely would have had great conflict, may have even ended.

    I saw though that the work lay within me, and as a wonderful outcome of this, K healed as deeply through me as I did in myself.

    Conflict is a funny word, and maybe there are varying interpretations of the word happening here.

    I may see my situation as not having had conflict, yet I can also see where someone else might view this differently.

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 3:47pm

  562. 562: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – 387 – I did. All of it. What would you like to know?

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:02pm

  563. 563: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 421 – You get there slowly and steadily, little it by little, and you get there with patience and gentleness towards yourself.

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:26pm

  564. 564: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    562 yay Dominique … I’m just looking for inspiration …. In a positive story..

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:47pm

  565. 565: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes

    “I have said time and time again that J and I have resolved MAJOR conflict in our past but it no longer comes up for us at all. Zero conflict in our relationship. I also have shared my healing process online in the hopes that someone can relate to it.”

    Again Ty for sharing.
    I feel more understanding of where you are coming from re having no conflict now in your realtionship with J.
    And also with what you said earlier re law of attraction.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 4:52pm

  566. 566: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    It makes perfect sense to me to be at a place and in a relationship that has previously had conflict which has been resolved for that conflict to no longer exist.
    And if this kept happening that one day if every issue conflict issue had been resolved that there would then be Zero conflict.

    And that is what makes a perfect relationship for that individual couple.

    And I now believe that Cding if used as an aid to practice will get us to that place quicker.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:01pm

  567. 567: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I had a FABULOUS day today!
    I received an unexpected bonus, which allowed me to get my hair cut, my oil changed, AND pay off a surprise IRS bill in one fell swoop.
    Plus, the guy at the shop liked my name so much that he took $5 off my bill
    and
    I went to buy shampoo which I expected to pay $20 for and ended up only paying $4.39.
    What!!?
    How does it get any better than this???!!!

    I got my hair cut at a new place, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the cut, after 3 years of horrible cuts I found my new stylist.
    I walked out of that place feeling magical, like anything could happen.
    The woman cutting my hair and another stylist were these wonderful warm-hearted black women and honestly I can’t tell you why but I have always always ALWAYS been attracted to that type of woman, they inspire so much love in me, so much comfort and joy.
    We started talking about Juanita Bynum and they kept saying things about G0d that were making me cry because I could feel what they were saying going right to my heart.
    I felt like I was HOME.
    Plus, including 30% tip, my cut was less than $30 and for a long time I’ve been paying around $120 but the stylist I used for 10 years just kinda went wacko.
    Anyway…
    so I CD’d people in the store.
    A Very Large Man on a handicapped scooter stopped and asked me if he knew me (2nd person I’ve made eye contact with in a week that asked that).
    No, but we chatted and he was talking about J3sus and it touched my heart again and made me cry and more love just pour out of my heart and we hugged.
    My spirit felt so fed and edified
    at Wal-Mart, of all places, which just goes to show that magic and spirit and love are everywhere :)

    Something I’m trying to sort out is..
    I nearly lied about something, something really dumb.
    My co-worker had a great cut at a Wal-Mart in another city, I mean, TRANSFORMATIVELY great…which is what gave me the idea to try the one in my neighborhood.
    I was talking about this and the stylist asked me if my co-worker had been to that location,
    I was just about to lie,
    no, I *did* lie at first, and as I was saying “yes”, I caught myself, was rubbing my forehead and said, “No…in another city.”

    I’m wondering WHAT the pattern is, here, what the trigger for lying is.
    I don’t want to be a liar, anymore.
    Maybe I can just have the same talk with my brain:

    Dear truth-governing mechanism in my brain -
    thank you so very very much for the lies you’ve generated in the past. I feel so much appreciation for how hard you’ve worked to keep my safe!
    I don’t want to be a liar anymore. Please use your creative superpowers to express more truth and beauty in my life. Perhaps that creative energy we’ve used to lie in the past could be used for creative mosaic ideas? Creative money-making ideas? (haha oh this is making me laugh now, this really has been a misuse of creative energy)
    Creative writing?
    I don’t know how I only know this pattern of unhealthy lying has shifted to a pattern that more perfectly and truthfully expresses the truth of my soul. I am happy and fulfilled.
    And so it is.
    Thank you!!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:14pm

  568. 568: TamNo Gravatar says:

    con·flict (knflkt)
    n.
    1. A state of open, often prolonged fighting; a battle or war.
    2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or interests; a clash.
    3. Psychology A psychic struggle, often unconscious, resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires, or tendencies.
    4. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.

    The definitions of conflict.
    Points 2 and 3…are particularly interesting for what we were saying. If my boyfriend sleeps with other women, I could always say that’s my problem if I don’t like it. I would see that as a ‘conflict of interests’. There are so many shades of this.
    And two people are just not the same…even our brains light up in different areas when we are shown the same picture.
    We can rip this all apart as we like, but there is no relationship in the world, be it that between mother and daughter, boss and worker, man and woman, that exists without any states of disharmony ever…
    unless they are ignored or subconscious or simply brushed under the carpet.
    Personally, in my relationships it was not the avoiding of conflict but the actual solution, that
    solidified the relationships.
    This whole entire blog is about resolving disharmony in relationships or dating or between the different expectations of women and men.
    And understanding, and respect, and speaking the truth even if it brings up uncomfortable stuff.
    What have I missed? Or misunderstood?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:14pm

  569. 569: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Linda – 536 – :) <3

    xxoo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:21pm

  570. 570: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Oooohh, I want to share my new tool I made up for me!
    I do a womb mandala every morning, to check in what’s hanging out in my womb and move out anyone/thing that doesn’t belong.
    Not long after I started it, a treasure chest showed up in one spot.
    Day by day, it grew fuller and fuller of pearls, gems, gold and one day it was radiating with an inner light.
    Yesterday morning, when I sat on my yoga mat and checked in, I took a closer look and noticed that the pearls had become hundreds of tiny furry balls, with very soft bunny- or cat-like fur.
    I dove in and was writhing around and around and around and WOW it was blisssssss!!!
    Then last night I dreamed of getting all kinds of love and cuddles…and now that I’m sitting down listening to some amazing a-capella high-vibe music I’m feeling all of those wonderful
    delicious yummy feelings in my treasure chest :)

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:42pm

  571. 571: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    BeLoved – I love the sound of your womb mandala tool. And I’m wondering what you do or how it works. Could you describe it some more?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:51pm

  572. 572: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 567 Beloved I feel like kissing you

    muah

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:52pm

  573. 573: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I had a nice “b*tch” moment this morning. Last night, rather. Mr. Man came home and wanted to “play.” which was fun. But then i said I had to sleep because I needed to get up early to go do laundry for work. He was like “really”? And I was like “yes.” and then he said, “I guess I could get the washing machine fixed.” ha! It’s probably been broken for ages. He didn’t care when I told him that I need to do laundry every day for work. But he cared when it meant that I wouldn’t be in bed with him! Lol

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 5:56pm

  574. 574: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.”We can rip this all apart as we like, but there is no relationship in the world, be it that between mother and daughter, boss and worker, man and woman, that exists without any states of disharmony ever…We can rip this all apart as we like, but there is no relationship in the world, be it that between mother and daughter, boss and worker, man and woman, that exists without any states of disharmony ever…”

    I see, hear and understand your POV and feel in agreement up until the point where if we have been in a relationship and the conflicts have all been mutually resolved that their are no longer any issues to resolve.
    What do you think?
    And to me this is what I now believe Mercedes is saying happened to her.
    Although I may have gotten that wrong as it did not appear to me that this is what was mean’t at first.

    That feels wonderful to me and is the kind of relationships that would feel best to me.

    What do you think?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:03pm

  575. 575: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    *there*

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:04pm

  576. 576: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – I got it from Anaiya Sophia:
    http://anaiyasophia.com/articles/how-to-create-your-womb-mandala

    Verrrryy interesting things have happened since I began!
    One of my dear friends who is a Priestess of Aphrodite and extremely knowledgeable about various deities of various religions keeps showing up and introducing new female deities (in my womb mandala visualization).
    It’s so cute, like she’s the womb ambassador – and her work is all about embodying love and reclaiming our wombs as the Divine Feminine so it was so good to see her in there because I trust her so much!
    And anyway…2 days ago, she says,
    “I’m going to introduce you to Golden Tara – not many people know about her, she’s very special. Stay committed to Red Tara but know the Golden One is here and learn about her.”

    So I called my friend (who lives in another state) and she got ALL excited and told me all about this deity and her whole magical experience of learning about her and there were so many synchronicities and connections that I can’t even explain
    I felt more and more and more sure of my path, of my calling, of my life purpose
    and more and more more trusting of and deeply supported by life and love.

    It’s hilarious to see unexpected people like Morgan Freeman show up and then later in the day see a comedy video on Facebook about Morgan Freeman and how the sun only rises because Morgan Freeman narrated it in his dreams the night before :D

    I was keeping my blog posted about my experience but some aspects started becoming very deep and very personal about my life path and purpose so I let it go for a couple of weeks. You can click on my name to see my blog if you’d like.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:04pm

  577. 577: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a little scared about my situation sometimes. I am living in an area that I swore I would never live in (never say never! Ha!). There are rough people who hang out on the streets, and prostitutes on the main road nearby. It’s scary during both day and night, and it’s far away from everything that I need to get to. I wonder if Mr. Man moved me here because he wants my money (which I don’t have). Ah, but that sounds suspicious. When I am tired and exhausted, I’ve noticed that I tend to be more skeptical and I think that people are plotting against me and trying to hurt me : (

    But that’s not what he said. He said that he “wants to love me.” last night, he called me “his wife.” whoa! He was being very frisky in bed, but i put him off for one more night…

    I am afraid of being or feeling like a kept woman. And not like a wife, but like a secret that he keeps from everyone else and uses to his benefit without really helping me at all…but maybe I am just not being grateful. He’s done a lot to help me. And maybe I just need to stay focused on the positive….

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:06pm

  578. 578: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    573

    Tereana
    Steve Harvey says….YOU have the cookie, YOU have the power
    :D

    572
    FW
    I feel like letting you!!!
    Yum!!!
    Muah back atcha!

    I can’t tell you how awesome I feel sitting here on a pillow on the floor listening to this guy called Cornflower and swaying back and forth just feeling so blissed out on BEing!!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:09pm

  579. 579: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    577

    Tereana

    What do you think about using your situation as a springboard to launch you to a more empowered situation? What do you think it would take? What would feel better for you?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:19pm

  580. 580: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    So my mom and I had a talk

    In which I said often ‘you don’t care about me’ you don’t really care to know about me n what interests me

    And just like last time. When he stated suddenly using excellent fm’s and don’t wants…

    My dad now suddenly accuses her ‘ur not interested in me’

    He he how cute my eyes are watering

    The better I get at communication the more they spontaneously shift

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:22pm

  581. 581: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.

    “the definitions of conflict.
    Points 2 and 3…are particularly interesting for what we were saying. If my boyfriend sleeps with other women, I could always say that’s my problem if I don’t like it. I would see that as a ‘conflict of interests’.

    I feel curious about this.
    In a way yes it would be my problem as he is quite happy what he is doing do not a problem for him.
    He would be entitled to live his life however he wishes sleep with whom he wished.
    If it felt problematic to me which it would, I would feel compelled to end it as we would not be compatible in our needs wants and desires.
    If he was wanting to sleep with other women and doing so he would not be wanting what I wanted which was sexual exclusivity.
    And although I would feel deeply hurt, I would know there was a better more compatible man for me who wanted what I wanted.
    I believe the right man for me would not sleep with another woman he plain and simply would not even want to.
    It would feel heartbreaking to me though if I had of believed that he was the right man for me up until that point.
    And personally I would not even feel able to tolerate him taking other women out for coffee, dates lunch anything if we were sleeping together.
    He either gets me or then, not both.
    That would not be the right man for me.
    Not my man.

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:25pm

  582. 582: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    The skin on my forehead is getting a lot smoother n tighter.

    Is it the organic blueberries

    The probiotics

    Or the glucosamine supplements…?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:37pm

  583. 583: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Time’s Running Out! For Just 2 More Days, Get My NEW 2nd-Edition eBook For Next To Nothing! Yours For Just $1.99…

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    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:40pm

  584. 584: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay i found it!

    “205: Pe says:
    Hi Lori,

    I totally agree with Mercedes. Change ur attitude and u change the game. Build expectations and mystery don’t quickly answer everytime he calls, call back in an hour or 2, dont give any explinations just a warm “hi, you called me ?” don’t stay forever on the phone like u have all day to talk, wait for a moment of silence and end the conversation first “well,it was nice talking to you, have a great day talk to you soon,bye”. Same goes if he texts or sends an email, it’s even better when your r texting ! take ur time to lean back read what he says and to come up with an appropriate answer , 5 minutes should do it, don’t say “lol” all the time, if he texts u stuff like “i miss u” remember that these are just words just send a smiley or a wink . If ur doing something when he contacts u call him back after ur done or answer again warm and open “hi, i’m feeling good thank you, listen i’m doing…can u call me back ? thanks” That will help you change ur vibe big time. Just think about how at ease you are around a man you are not attracted too, cool, warm, open but since he’s not your man, your focus is not on him when you are around him, but on yourself ! If he invites u out, show him u r not on his schedule decline or suggest another time “i’d love that, but tomorrow is not a good time for me, how about friday ? what do u think? ok great ! see you friday bye !” My point is even you do go out on dates and you are living your life, if all he has to do is call or text or email and you are ALWAYS available, always ready to see him when HE feels like it, you will still be sending the message that even tought u clearly stated u dont want a relationship with me,i’m here ! all you have to do is press that dial button. He will feel without you saying anyhting that yeah you like/love him but he no longer have a hold on you, he will then have to decide if he wants you or not, if he does he’s gonna have to step it up.

    Thursday, 17 January 2013 @ 11:23am”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:46pm

  585. 585: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “hello :) i’m feeling good thank you… listen, im out in a busy place right now… can you call me back?”

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:49pm

  586. 586: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    539 – thank you again Dominique. Thank you for suggestion and advice. You were so right to suggest what you did for me. My heart was blessed

    xoxo

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 6:50pm

  587. 587: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ladies! I have a date tonight! Woohoo! Meeting him at the Cosmo bar in Vegas for cocktails. I have an office there so it’s convenient for me. Two dates yesterday, one tonight and then meeting someone else for coffee tomorrow afternoon.

    This may be fun!! I’m definitely feeling beautiful!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 7:08pm

  588. 588: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    I was reading the earlier comments but I feel so intrigued about limiting beliefs and manifesting what you want into your life!

    Mercedes & FW
    How do you do it?
    Any good reads your recommend?

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 8:56pm

  589. 589: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    574 Dominique
    Share whatever you feel inspired to! Would live to hear it ….I know you have a wonderful story of your journey I’ve picked up bits and pieces from the blog that you’ve shared !

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:05pm

  590. 590: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Lori have fun on your date!!! Omgosh it was hilarious.
    Today I was rehearsing for my acting class with a couple guys from my class at the park near my boyfriend’s place (cause we all live around there)….
    But usually my boyfriend never walks by the park (not that it really mattered or that I was thinking he’d walk by..)
    One of the guys left and it was just me and the other guy, and definitely felt vibes!! He was sooo cute and I was getting so nervous while we were rehearsing. All of a sudden I saw my boyfriend and he looked really weird. And then when I met up with him after he kept asking me if I had a crush on this guy and if we liked each other and I told my boyfriend I barely knew the guy but it seemed pretty bothered by it…

    I did feel a little bad and a little excited. I feel guilty for being a little excited at his expense but I am the priize!
    Funny how the guys all coming running once you open your heart up.
    I ran into an old guy I had a flirtation with yesterday and he’s been texting me asking to hang out…so I could have a couple CDs lined up…

    I won’t do anything with these guys until I’m clear with my boyfriend..I want to flirt with them and be friends with them. I love male energy!!
    I love female energy too!

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:46pm

  591. 591: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    morning ladies
    some awesome stuff gong on here
    feels uplifting to read!
    As I am marooned at work because of the snow(and my marathon is cancelled, sob), I am going to listen to Reconnect and do some pampering if I cant go home

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 10:56pm

  592. 592: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    hehe morning Ruth!
    It’s actually night for me, so I’m headin to bed.
    Hope you have a marvelous day <3

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:01pm

  593. 593: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a confession to make: i still think about SYG sometimes. I don’t know why. He was never my boyfriend. And he never loved me. Mr. Man has proclaimed himself my boyfriend. And he loves me. A lot. There was just so much about SYG that I liked. He was kind. He was successful. But..,maybe I need to remember this: when I met him (aka when I went home with him after the club one night), he had no furniture. I was mightily uncomfortable. BUT, he eventually got furniture. It took a while, but it came….

    Maybe…maybe this is the situation here, too. Mr. Man is a confirmed bachelor. He hasnt been with a woman in a long time. Maybe the condition of the house is simply a reflection of this. He is not “trying” to make me uncomfortable. He’s doing what he can to offer me what I need…if I am patient, maybe I can still be there when the “furniture” arrives – i.e. when he cleans up and gets things fixed. Lol. or maybe even a different house. Who knows.

    His best quality is that he loves me. I just hope that he is the good man that I have chosen to believe in….

    Friday, 18 January 2013 @ 11:29pm

  594. 594: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I stopped the eye contact with this guy at work. I was beginning to feel self concious and like I was stalking him.

    Anyway, I just relaxed and forgot about him. But yesterday when I spoke to him he was sort of distant and a bit grumpy with me. I thought why do I like this guy anyway – he is not interested in me. I feel very rejected and confused as to why I have to like these men – and they don’t like me back. They are not even friendly.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:49am

  595. 595: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies!
    I just got home from my date with a new guy. I have to say that I had a fantastic time! He had me laughing so hard that I was almost crying. He is well traveled so had lots of stories. He was a total gentleman. I felt authentic and feminine. It was awesome! I sent him a text on my way home to thank him for the evening. He texted me back saying that he really enjoyed my company. Yay!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:56am

  596. 596: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    This morning I practised being unavailable. I left my phone upstairs whilst I watched my favourite Saturday morning shows on tv.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:34am

  597. 597: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, that’s great. Bask in those yummy feelings whilst you fall asleep :)

    Your vibe feels uplifting and I am sure he felt it too. After I have been on dates I’ve been practising to leave space after I’ve got home to allow the guy to text me. As time went on he texed me pretty much as I had got in a taxi or car to leave. Feel his energy coming to you and you’ll receive it beautifully :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:38am

  598. 598: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    FW, this morning I felt excited anticipation in my stomach! Yey I can feel my stomach. It felt great to notice the difference between anxiety in my stomach and excitement.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:40am

  599. 599: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I feel blessed to have you in my life :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:42am

  600. 600: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling so amazing and shiny visualising the relationship I want for myself :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:48am

  601. 601: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Linda

    I felt for you so much when I was reading your posts yesterday about how you crave contact. I could so identify with you.

    I feel so thrilled at how it worked out for you. I feel so thrilled that you were able to absorb Dominique’s perspective on this – she is so wise! I also feel so blessed having read her words around this. I have come a long way in this in the last few weeks, but I still have a way to go.

    Just regarding this, last night, D had said he would phone me when he left the place where he was going to have drinks. I waited and waited (oh so much more patiently than I would have in the past :) ) and he finally skyped me, a good hour or two later than I was expecting. I kind of burst out: “I thought you were going to call me when you left?”

    I knew it sounded blamey, and that’s how he took it. It turns out he had left early, left his friends behind when they were off to somewhere else, so that he could come home and contact me, as his phone was dead.

    I didn’t feel good about jumping to conclusions, and I apologised, but I must say I got the message and I got to feeling good and relaxed again much quicker than before.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:49am

  602. 602: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so content. I Want to do a log roll down a snowy hill and make snow angels :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:57am

  603. 603: Memulo says:

    FW, thank you, it’s not a false chemistry and not being ‘a bit unauthentic’. It’s pure lying and longing for something else. Though recently I started comparing the way I was treated in not situations, even in a simple daily communication and getting angry. The prior guy was completely commitmentphobic, I was suspecting it back then and can easily see it now.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:00am

  604. 604: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies and Pe for 205

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:27am

  605. 605: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I feel captured by the pictures in roris new ebook. They are helping me visualise the relationship I want.
    I want to receive reciprocated love and smile to the end of days!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:44am

  606. 606: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    If anyone has any insights for me it would be greatly appreciated! I feel confused …

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:52am

  607. 607: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I mean I feel confused as to why I am always attracted to the wrong me?!

    Hmm… I guess that’s my answer they are wrong !!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:55am

  608. 608: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I want my inside and outside to match. I don’t want to create confusion for a man. It would feel relaxing to be completely authentic and open.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:56am

  609. 609: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rebecca! My insight would be… can you smile at men without any expectation?

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:58am

  610. 610: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    When you feel good about yourself you smile at everyone just because it is how you feel and the smile is radiating out of you. Regardless of whether they are grumpy or not.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:04am

  611. 611: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca,

    Wrong in what way?

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:10am

  612. 612: Memulo says:

    I think a guy at work likes me. Recently we had a chance to spend a lot if time together working and depending on each other and I have friendly feelings toward him, but I think he came out if it with stronger appreciation. I was just being myself and was nice towards him, that’s all. I’m not thinking about him in a romantic way but it just feels unusual that he likes me more even though I was nice and generous towards him.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:15am

  613. 613: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    610- this is where my work started with myself and why I chose the name smile for the blog. I love smiling!!!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:26am

  614. 614: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    This isn’t about the men, this is about you 

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:27am

  615. 615: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yep. I believe my smile can melt away coldness like icicles in the sun. I believe it can create intense desire that can have a man trembling with desire to get close to me and have his emotions roaring in his ears.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:38am

  616. 616: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Smile – thank you! You are so right. I need to drop my expectation and just be me. It’s hard though! Sometimes anxiety just catches me unawares and I seem to loose self control. Hmmm… Food for thought I guess. I really appreciate your response though.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:38am

  617. 617: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    FW – I love that! Yay I’m gonna try and stick to thiscommitment of smiling!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:41am

  618. 618: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Smiling makes me feel fun and silly and playful, I feel cheeky when I smile. I can feel like I’m glowing :)
    Smiles are also contagious!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:54am

  619. 619: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Smile and the whole world smiles with you :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:55am

  620. 620: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    A smile can crack open a man’s heart, excite his deepest desires and have his heart exploding inside his chest. So much so that he desires to create a powerful emotional connection and bond his heart unbreakably to yours. This belief feels delicious as candy. It feels like the way to focus his attention to bring down barriers and lower his defenses.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:08am

  621. 621: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I can feel my heart expanding :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:16am

  622. 622: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    My older cute co-worker messaged me via linked in a couple of days ago? I feel strange getting messaged on Linked-in. I think he’s trying to reach out to me, but I feel so weird given the Linked-in connection.

    What’s a good feeling message for “can we communicate another way?”

    I feel really shy and wigged out.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:20am

  623. 623: ViNo Gravatar says:

    I feel rejected when I get a kiss on the cheek instead of lips. I think it’s a sign that I am not good enough. And my inner goddess giggles now and murmures that it’s not true.. hm.. I could use this situation to practice choosing smth else over these negative voices.. I could express a part of me that still feels pleased with attention it gets.. I could melt and go ‘mmmm’ .. thanks MH for the trigger? Hm.. I feel frowny.. And my inner goddess feels bored with my thoughts about kisses and wants me better focus on the book Im reading or make her some tea..

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:38am

  624. 624: forest sirenNo Gravatar says:

    FW hi do you know how I upgrade the ebook? I have the original I just can’t find a link on the website for the upgrade thank you x

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:25am

  625. 625: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I got an email that took me to the lower priced upgrade

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:27am

  626. 626: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I got an email that took me to the lower priced upgrade

    http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/m/ebook/2nd-edition.html?e=1&cid=ZZZ3WW&lid=2&cuid=KmM&expires=2013-01-20+08%3A04&expires_hash=syjGGFF9lF3ZfugDy9d1r2BT3nE%3D

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:28am

  627. 627: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Anyone did the tapping video with Louise Hay? I did it and it brought up and long lost memory and brought a lot of tears from my left eye and practically none from the right. It felt so cleansing of a fear from more than 20 years ago.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:36am

  628. 628: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi all….

    Well.. GUESS what happened. I was so freaked out that he wasnt coming over yesterday for those of you who were following my story.

    Well. He totally surprised me. First time ever. He texted me, and I didnt text right back. Went downstairs to get a diet coke. He said – wow, does it take you 10 min to get a diet coke after I texted him back, and then…..I heard a car door slam outside…..I was like NO!!!!! haha! I had no make up on etc. LOL.

    So we ended up hanging out for a few hours and it was really nice, and I like surprises, so even though I wasnt “put together” I like that he saw that I wasnt waiting around for him, that I truly didnt think he was coming, etc. LOL.

    We had a great time together and I felt very connected.

    But I took all your advice. I went to the library and got myself some books on therapy and also relationships. I made a list of things that I want to do for myself this year and goals that I have. I need to refocus my energy.

    I hope things work out with him, but if they dont, I have to be able to be strong and have a game plan for my life.

    Anyway – just wanted to fill you all in on what the ending of the story was for that day….

    It felt SO nice. And boy…..is he cute (and hot.) LOL.

    Elsie

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:41am

  629. 629: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Tam 325

    Yes, I get you completely.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:18am

  630. 630: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I love smiling, people seem to eat them up, but so does color. My wardwrobe tends to be pretty colorful…people stop to talk to me about it as I walk down the street. Adding even little splashes of color can go a long way. :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:23am

  631. 631: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique 563

    “You get there slowly and steadily, little it by little, and you get there with patience and gentleness towards yourself.”

    Thank you for saying this. Thanks for the reminder that it’s slow and takes time. I needed to hear this and it made me feel good about how far I’ve come, and ok that it’s not happening as “fast” as I might like. But that’s ok, my process takes as long as it takes :) And yay and celebration for how far I’ve come already :)

    D said to me this morning that I’m “too intense” and I know that’s true. And what’s weird, I know that’s not my truth deep down. I know it’s not who I really am. I think my vibe comes across as intense sometimes because of all the things I am processing and the healing and learning.

    I am looking forward to when I will be able to just kick back and relax, when I feel so secure and sure in myself that I radiate relaxed and calm and easygoing.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:30am

  632. 632: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    We Have A Choice About The Words We Use…

    We have power!

    If Lillian, or any one of us, feels love for a man, and choose to express it – like, “I feel so much love in my heart when I see your beautiful face” – then EXPRESSING it (without any caring at all what happens or what he does after we express it) has to be ALL we want.

    If there’s even a tiny, tiny bit of expecting him to do the same – then we’ll push him away:
    •He won’t feel our love, he’ll feel PRESSURE
    •He won’t feel our open heart and body and passion just ready for him to dive into – he’ll feel our expectation
    •He’ll feel that we want something from him

    And that feeling of being pushed and pulled will send ANY man running for the hills.

    To reverse this, we need to do two things:

    1. Step BACK

    I know how hard this is – and yet it WORKS. It works – as long as you don’t FAKE it.

    You can’t PRETEND to “Step-Back” – that’s just old-fashioned “playing hard-to-get” – and though it might work for a day, or even a week, it won’t last much more than that.

    A man will pick up right away that you’re just playing ‘a game” – and it will make you come across even needier and more desperate than before – with the ADDED non-attractive quality of him thinking you’re dishonest.

    The trick here is to NOT play a game – but to actually Step Back for reasons of your OWN. For GOOD reasons – reasons you’ve discovered for YOURSELF.

    2. Stop Doing “Giving” Things

    No matter how desperate you feel, if you STOP DOING all those giving things you’re doing – the words of love, the emails, the reaching out – you will bring him back.

    And you can simply STOP doing these things without playing games or making phoney excuses.

    The truth is – those things are things YOU’VE been doing for HIM, and so you can stop doing them WITHOUT having to EXPLAIN at all!

    Yet, I know how easy it is to just say STOP. It’s like saying, “Just relax.”

    Yeah, it makes sense, but how do you do it?

    That’s What My Tools Are For

    You have me helping you feel so much stronger – so that you can actually stay away from the phone and the computer.

    So that you can stop initiating contact and stop initiating “love talk” and stop trying to push and pull him down the Relationship Timeline.

    So that you can give him some room to move TOWARD you.

    If you’d like even more help to use all the Tools in these eLetters and in my Have The Relationship You Want eBook, try out my Reconnect Your Relationship program.

    Not only does Reconnect help you UNDERSTAND how this Stepping Back and Stopping works, in Reconnect I guide you through doing NEW things that work SO MUCH BETTER!

    Reconnect is powerful – there are so many amazing Tools, and I teach them to you in a step-by-step way that you can instantly understand and DO – that I know it will help you turn your relationship around overnight, no matter what it feels like right now.

    Here’s what else you’ll learn in my Reconnect program:
    •Why trying to hang onto a man never works (even just WANTING to hang onto him is the worst thing you can do)… and the most powerful Tool to quickly REVERSE that in yourself and INSTANTLY STOP a man from withdrawing
    •The ONE MISTAKE that makes him LOSE INTEREST faster than anything else, and exactly what to do instead
    •How your insecurities can be your biggest ASSET and actually bring a man CLOSE if you use them in this new way I’ll talk and walk you through
    •How what your friends say about men hating “emotions” is a LIE and exactly how to USE your feelings to have an ADVANTAGE over every other woman… men fall in love with you almost instantly when you learn to talk in this ONE WAY
    •How to quickly Undo The Damage and TURN HIM TOWARD YOU – no matter how far away he seems right now
    •The ONE CRUCIAL THING you must do to make a man want to COMMIT to you for FOREVER instead of for just the short term… and exactly HOW to do it

    Get The Tools Now

    So, Step Back – away from the phone, the email, the initiating affection, attention, sex and dates – and turn your focus on YOURSELF.

    I have total faith in you, and look forward to hearing about every step you take.

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  633. 633: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Accessibility vs availability: I’ve been focused on leaning back this week. Not being so available right away with the texting. If I do reach out it’s for a reason, & not the “I want your attention” reasons it would have been in the past. It started as a deliberate re-training, & I’m finding it becoming less deliberate, & much more natural. My life is filled with amazing experiences & people. My time is valuable. ;)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:34am

  634. 634: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo.

    THank you. I kinda feel like I was put thru the wringer the last couple of days. by none other than ME!…. But in that process some bad negative voices got slapped silly and quiet for good I hope.

    Reflecting on things right now. I find it curious that there is a seemingly whole new set of issues that are introduced in our lives when we have a man in our lives. I used to feel like once I there was a great man in my life I could relax and coast… but there is always something that needs a tweek or a major adjustment.

    Glad to know though that there is another siren out there who can identify with me… xo

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:37am

  635. 635: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont feel needy today… It feels good for a change.
    Nothing has changed except my attitude.
    wow…

    I am focused on my finances and trying how to live leaner. My ends just dont meet anymore. Not sure what to do.. but according to my recent dream… things are not as they appear, so I am going to refrain from panic and do my absolute best and see what happens.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:45am

  636. 636: TamNo Gravatar says:

    OMG. I have lost interest in men.
    I mean, really.
    Perhaps I am tired out of it all..first the MrP drama…now the Curly drama (his un-orderen private life). I feel uninspired imagining myself in a relationship with a man. I enjoyed the last few nights reading by candle-light, doing my fitness, not drinking any alcohol, doing my grooming routines, concentrating on work (still panicking about my finances). I simply have no time and no reason to take on anybody elses problems, and it feels weird to get to know a man…and think ‘aaaaaah at last someone who hasn’t got any major problems’ and the next thing you know, he’s in jail for something so stupid that makes you wonder if he actually has more than 2 brain cells and what other trouble he could get himself and possibly you in.
    I mean, really.
    My life alone and with friends is so tranquil and lovely…and I have to worry about my own circumstances a bit. I don’t want this.
    Yes, so I feel great in his presence, he is a real giver, carer, committer. But all the other bs that Rori tells us ‘is not so important’, well it’s important to me. So maybe, just maybe I shall remain a (happy) spinster.
    Ha!!
    Tonight Chubby asked me for a date and I only accepted because I am bored sitting at home and ran out of good books. I am already thinking ‘urgh, I hope he doesn’t expect me to touch/kiss/whatever him. I can’t be arsed.’
    OMG.
    I wonder if this is the end and I am going to get a dog.
    Hahahahahahaha.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:57am

  637. 637: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I thought one millisecond about going back to online dating and felt like vomiting.
    Perhaps it’s like when you eat too much chocolate..once you got sick from it, you need a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong break!!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:59am

  638. 638: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I really wanted MrP. I really did. And now, even if he stood with a gigantic bouquet and a diamond ring outside my front door (something that will never happen), I would feel like taking it all out of his hand, slamming the door in his face whilst mumbling an unenthusiastic ‘thanks’….and going to a pawn shop to sell the ring to cover my bills.
    Honestly.
    That is how I feel.
    Curly sent me a txt saying ‘I miss you’ and I just sent a text back ‘that’s nice’. Cause yeah, maybe I miss him a bit too, but I still prefer to hang out alone.
    Pffff.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:03am

  639. 639: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, you mentioned your face feeling smoother in an earlier post. I use a Grapeseed, natural oil on my skin, & it’s amazing. The fatty acids in it has my skin glowing. It’s a natural buffer against the cold climate I’m in. :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:12am

  640. 640: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe I am just worn out and tired?
    Generally?
    It all seems too much effort, when I want to lavish my energy and love on myself.
    And I am even too tired to read back on here…sorry.
    I did see one thing by Annie that I wanted to comment on, but again – I feel too tired.
    So much though: no, I do not believe that every single disharmony can be resolved one day and we all jump out of bed and say ‘yay’ I will never ever get into another disharmony/disagreement in my life ever again’..I mean, really!! How realistic is this?
    It’s like saying I will always always be happy from now on because all my issues are resolved. I know everything and will never ever be sad again. I mean, really? Totally unrealistic…..yes, we can strive to be like that, but we are still humans with our own desires, fears, upsets and happy-making-things..and we are bound to clash with others. It’s the way we deal with it to resolve this that makes the difference.
    It’s not quite the same as tidying our house, sink into a chair and say ‘oh all done. as long as I don’t touch anything, everything will be perfect forever’.
    The only constant in life is change.
    Nothing is ever static.
    The man who promised fidelity till death do us part might be shagging the waitress of his breakfast joint one day.
    It’s just the way it is.
    We can’t control another person or even a relationship, only ourselves.
    Oh. I woke up.
    Back to snooze again
    Cheerio.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:13am

  641. 641: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, it’s okay to take breaks from time to time. :) Recharge those batteries girl.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:15am

  642. 642: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Hey ladies good morning, I was speaking to Overseas cd earlier this morning.He is so easy to talk to. We are getting to know each other even more. So I said to him, that we are getting to know each other more and more. He said”Is that the beginning of a relationship?” and I said,”well u tell me.” He said he is not versed on relationship criteria and normally the woman knows best. so he is differing to me, he said. I told him that the getting to know u part is always the beginning of a relationship but………… and he said “but what?. so I answered and said that I dont know what he wants. There was a long pause ladies and I feared the worst. After he came back, he said he had stepped away from the computer. He asked me what it is that I want. and i joked and said that I asked him first. He went on to say that he wants the same thing that I want so I asked him”what do u think I want?” and he answered by saying that “the same thing I want.” lol. so we went around in circles and then he asked me if we are on the same page. I told him that it seems so but ladies I am not sure. We both have a high sex drive, and have talked about everything including sex but I wonder if he only wants sex. I dont know ladies if I am overeacting. It has been three weeks since we are talking online. We have not moved on to the phone yet. I dont want to rush him but how long after u start talking online, u move on to the phone? Every man’s timeline is different, i know, i know. Remember with disappearing ex, i not only knew him before, but we were good friends for years. With Overseas cd, remember I met him through our alumni on facebook, and he told me that he was in my yeargroup but I didnt know him at the time. So we have not met physically.

    I am trying my best not to focus on him and cant seem to get the company to go out with friends to see if I can meet someone else. I have a good amount of friends but a few are married and its hard to plan going out with married friends. One friend who is single lives very far from me but everytime u invite her to link up, she has an excuse so i am not going to invite her to hang out again. I am determined more than ever to circular date.

    I am watching his actions though. am I being impatient? I am really looking forward to meeting other men so I can compare. I am wondering if a conversation should come up that I am keeping my options open, how would he take it? Cause u know men, ladies, they are always keeping their options open so why cant we keep ours open? I would love to hear from you as I value your opinion. thanks a lot. Mercedes, Dominique, Rori and everyone, i hope u see this and I appreciate your response. Waiting to hear from u all.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:31am

  643. 643: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    k2012

    I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your situation again, and while I’m no Rori or Dominique, I’ve had quite a bit of good experience with relationship-oriented guys online. I would be wary of a guy who talks about sex with a girl he’s never spoken to or met, and who dances around the relationship question and the issue of talking on the phone.

    Just a feeling I get. To me, this is an online flirtation only, not even the beginning of a relationship. If it were me, I would express again, very sweetly but clearly, that I would feel better talking over the phone, and then back off contact for a little bit.

    Enjoy it, but I wouldn’t put too much importance on it. You have the right idea, meet other guys, lots of them!

    This is just me though :) do what feels best for you :)

    <3

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:58am

  644. 644: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning ladies! I had a fantabulous time last night! I put on a dress and stilettos and felt totally beautiful. He was a gentleman. We talked and laughed for a few hours. He had me laughing so hard that I was almost crying. When it got late, he walked me to the valet, gave me a hug and a brief brush of the lips and said goodbye. I sent him a text thanking him for the evening. He returned it with “I really enjoyed your company”.

    He’s well established, well spoken and well traveled. Great sense of humor and has a dog that travels with him on his Harley.

    This is the first CD that I’ve met that I could consider seeing again. I kept reminding myself that I’m a high value woman and do not need to wait on any man, period. I would like K to come back but until he can do it in the way I want and need, I’m not giving up my freedom for anyone!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 10:11am

  645. 645: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Lori! I loved reading your post. You ARE a high value woman. I can hear you ROAR! :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 10:40am

  646. 646: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo to me it is just a penapal. All you have are words

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 10:59am

  647. 647: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much Indigo. I appreciate your comments. When we were introduced via our alumni, we went on each others facebook page, in other words we added each other to our friends list.. We would hail up each other now and then, wish each other happy birthday on our respective facebook pages. So we spoke to each other before this regular interaction started. As I said, I will certainly watch the actions though, particularly as it relates to transferring to the phone. I don’t think I am going to mention the phone thing again. I will just observe and if the options discussion come up, I will tell him I have to keep my options open. After all, if he is not transferring to the phone, I will have to do what I have to do. Anyway u take it, no one is going to stop me from circular dating. If I had known about this from a long time ago from disappearing ex and I were involved, I would certainly do it. I see a light on FB now. Maybe there is a message from him. Lori, I am glad u had a great time with youir date. Sounds exciting. Hope things will work out. When was the last time u heard from your ex? See my post above. Waiting for your advice.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:01am

  648. 648: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Lori! You make me feel inspired to do the same!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:03am

  649. 649: janie babyNo Gravatar says:

    FW,
    Where can I find the Louise Hay tapping video? Is this EFT?

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:05am

  650. 650: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    k2012

    Will you please clarify for me – is he called overseasCD because he lives overseas?

    Why would you not just say what you want?
    The way I read the conversation is that you are each trying to be what the other wants which is the road to an imaginary relationship since neither of you is being upfront.
    At the same time, if you are CDing, it doesn’t really matter because what isn’t working for you isn’t going to last anyway :D

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:19am

  651. 651: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens – I must remember to lean back more. It’s frightening how quickly I go into a masculine, over functioning mode…

    Lean back, lean back, lean back…

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:26am

  652. 652: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I’m reading the new ebook. Really liking it,Rori !

    ((((((( Loving & Embracing my NV’s )))))))

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:29am

  653. 653: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Beloved thanks for your response. That’s true. If. Something isn’t working for me, then it wouldn’t last. That’s why going forward from my last relationship, it has to be circular dating all the way till someone steps up. Beloved, I call him overseas cd cause he lives overseas.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:30am

  654. 654: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies! I am enjoying myself. K2012, I heard from him several times in the last week, last being on Thursday morning for about 2 minutes. I do hope he comes around BUT I am not waiting for him. I’m high value and I know it. Just have to remind myself. :)

    I’m concerned about your situation in that he is overseas. What is the reality of your getting together physically? That may be why he also hesitates. Don’t focus on him. Start CDing with other guys. Believe me, I know how hard it is but he reality is that there are other men that you will find to be just as interesting and easy to talk to.

    I think you should say what you want in “I” terms. Let him know what it is that you want, not in terms from him but in general. If I get the opportunity to talk with K, I plan on doing just that.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:32am

  655. 655: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    653

    k2012
    He seems like a great CD for practice then, if he lives overseas there’s really not much at stake so you can say anything…including, exactly what you want, and see what happens :D

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:32am

  656. 656: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    K2012

    The more honest you are and the more you practice the FM’s, the quicker the “not the One’s” fall out of rotation, and the quicker you refine and define for yourself what really works for you and what you are all about inside.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:34am

  657. 657: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    As soon as I get back to the computer I will post the Louise Hay EFT tapping video

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:50am

  658. 658: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I know that I had a hard time with the CDing, basically started in the last week but it really can be fun. I’ve surprised myself. Men think I’m beautiful and high value. They want to spend time with me, talking, laughing.

    I’m reading Rori’s revised book and can’t wait to learn more. I never knew what being high value really meant but I’m learning quick!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:56am

  659. 659: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – 589 – Goodness, I’ve started over so many times, I don’t think I can count, in different countries, in different states, in my personal life, in career, with men…

    I’ll choose education and career. As a teenager living in a foreign country, I felt as an outsider the entire time I lived there, so I immersed in study, yet I didn’t finish my university studies because I felt bored and directionless. I wanted to be a textile designer, then a linguist, and then I just ended up quitting school and working as a computer operator and waiting tables at night.

    When I returned to the States, I had nothing which drew me except my dance, so I pursued this more or less full time though I think already I was too old and maybe not passionate enough. So it became odd jobs to keep me afloat though I continued to take class.

    I moved cross country, working odd jobs still, and then I started working in various health food stores in the supplements section which led to an on the road rep position. Still feeling restless, I enrolled in school for chiropractic back office work. So did that for while.

    Then a personal assistant job came to me, so I did that for awhile. All of this too felt unfulfilling. Dance was my only constant.

    I was told about a book, “What Color is My Parachute”, and this book along with a book on cognitive therapy changed my whole perspective on my life.

    I registered in school for esthetics. (I already had a job lined up to learn something called the Renna method, a wonderful facial massage technique which tones and tightens the muscles in the face and neck giving a natural lift.

    I did this for over twenty years working in a salon first, on my own for a long while, as a resident facialist for La Prairie, for myself again…

    All my knowledge and continuing study in herbs etc, helped me develop my own products, but this came later.

    Still feeling unfullfilled, I went back to college and got my degree in English Lit where I discovered my love for a talent of writing. I wrote my first novel when I finished.

    Shortly thereafter I began a blog which led to the work I currently do.

    And these are just the highlights. lol

    And we moved cross country again, two different states.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:06pm

  660. 660: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 631 – YAY you!!!

    I too was once thought of as too intense, too serious. I don’t think anyone would say that of me still…well maybe occasionally, lol.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:18pm

  661. 661: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, you sound so much like me. Dance, health food stores, massage techniques, moving countless times. The list goes on & on. I even have plans to write at least one book. :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:22pm

  662. 662: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    #583…Does anyone know HOW to get the new updated version of the HTHTRYW ebook, as offered in this post?

    I got an e-mail about the new book, but not about this $1.99 offer for those of us who already purchased the first one.

    Thanks <3

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:25pm

  663. 663: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    k2012 – 642 – It’s not your business what he may or may not think. You have to do what you think is best for you.

    Plus you have not met him, so for all intents and purposes, he does not yet exist.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:30pm

  664. 664: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Flowerchild – FW posted the link not too far up.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:33pm

  665. 665: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    EFT with Louise Hay

    (tapping link removed by request)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:56pm

  666. 666: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Book upgrade link

    http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/m/ebook/2nd-edition.html?e=1&cid=ZZZ3WW&lid=2&cuid=KmM&expires=2013-01-20+08%3A04&expires_hash=syjGGFF9lF3ZfugDy9d1r2BT3nE%3D

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:57pm

  667. 667: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “It’s not your business what he may or may not think.” I find this comment insulting and harsh.” Plus you have not met him, so for all intents and purposes, he does not yet exist.” A rather harsh and abrupt comment that I could do without. So Lori and Beloved, u are saying that I should be upfront and tell him what I want. I am beginning to think the same thing. That’s the best approach for true cause come to think of it, when I got involved with disappearing ex, we did say what we wanted. Yeah, right up front, we said the type of relationship we wanted so that’s the approach I should take for true. I am going to cd anyway so whether or not our relationship goals are different, cd with other guys is my goal at this time. Anyway, ladies thanks for your comments.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 12:59pm

  668. 668: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sadly 638 sounds very jaded

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:01pm

  669. 669: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 it might seem harsh now but it is the only truth that will serve your best interests

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:02pm

  670. 670: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have read that trying to figure out what a man is thinking is “emotional rape” and men can feel violated by women who are constantly wondering about what they think. Really can we get into a man’s head?

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:04pm

  671. 671: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    As the title of the article above says How to get Yourself Back – is to get out of the man’s head and into your life.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:05pm

  672. 672: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Dominique =)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:07pm

  673. 673: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    k2012 – This is not meant at all as harsh, yet as the reality of the situation. It has been offered to you in love and with a gentle tone.

    For it is not any of us women’s business to be in our men’s heads whether he is someone new in our lives or someone we have been with for a long time. It gets us into trouble pretty much every time when we try to figure out what he is thinking/doing. It is our business to be in our bodies and FEEL.

    He doesn’t exist because you have not met yet. This does not mean he’s not a real person. He certainly is, yet for you right now, he is still an imaginary man, and until you do meet him in person, he is not yet a possibility of a relationship for you.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:13pm

  674. 674: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    k2012

    I just wanted to echo what Feminine Woman said. Whilst I don’t want to speak for Dominique, I know there was nothing harsh in her intention.

    It is a fact that if all you have are online exchanges, you do not really have anything, and Rori teaches this too. A hard truth, but a truth nonetheless.

    (((K2012))) <3

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:23pm

  675. 675: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 I must first of all say thank you for sharing. Some of your comments are very instructive and brings to mind how Rori talks about us as clinging on to a man put at the same time how our fists are pushing them away. These particular comments :-

    I would love to hear from you as I value your opinion. thanks a lot. Mercedes, Dominique, Rori and everyone, i hope u see this and I appreciate your response. Waiting to hear from u all.

    A rather harsh and abrupt comment that I could do without -

    remind me very much of our reality most of the times. We say we want something but when we get it we push it away because it does not come in the package we expect or want it in. Sometimes we are just not in the space to receive and when our men are honest with us we just can’t hear them.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:24pm

  676. 676: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    K2012, I know that it may have sounded harsh but it is the reality. He’s overseas. I have been making the mistake of worrying way too much about what, why, how K is thinking, etc. Trying to read into it. It doesn’t matter. I’m what matters here, not what he will or won’t do. Believe me, it’s hard, I have to keep telling myself that.

    You deserve so much better than this. Go get em girl. :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:25pm

  677. 677: k2012No Gravatar says:

    Okay Dominique, I understand u. No hard feelings, ok. Yes ladies, I know u are all telling me the truth. Until I meet him in person only then a relationship will be possible. He is only the first candidate still. So there will be other options. I wanted to go out with one of my girlfriends tonight but I think I am going to pass that one. It was a rough week at work and I am exhausted. I have done nothing from morning but talking on the blog, FB and bb messenger. Think I will wait until next week Saturday night to go out. Other cds will soon come up. I was thinking that since this one is overseas and online, although I am on a dating site, I am not sure whether I should continue using the online method of dating. Of course if I do I had already said the men have to be in my country, so even if I meet anymore online men, meeting them in person, if we agree to meet would have to follow some time later. Of course, meeting them face to face by going out is certainly on the cards.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:52pm

  678. 678: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    I just got Dominique’s e-book. It’s AWESOME! I’m so excited. (I also got the updated version of Rori’s book.) I’ve got my homework cut out for me! =)

    I’m on a roll…. <3

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 1:52pm

  679. 679: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens! It’s been a while. I’ve been womancaving. lol

    I have been feeling a huuuuge shift in me since last November. It’s like my whole world started shifting under my feet and it’s still happening.

    I don’t know how to explain it. I feel sooo amazed at how fast I am processing my triggers and feelings. I no longer feel my world falling apart when they happen. I no longer feel urgency in doing anything about them, I just lean back and sink into my feelings, my feelings morph and I get a complete clear picture, then I feel peaceful.

    I have been flexing this muscle since joining the blog 1.5 years ago. I feel that muscle getting stronger and faster all the time.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:10pm

  680. 680: Memulo says:

    We had a nice day skiing. He’s a great skier and I haven’t done it in a couple of years but I’m still not bad. He is a super expert level though. He treated me really well, guided me, gave out skiing tips (I asked) waited for me of course, etc. He still says that he never wanted anyone as much as he wants me.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:11pm

  681. 681: k2012No Gravatar says:

    That’s great Memulo. Glad to know u are moving on. We all have to if they disappear on us. Hope u and ur new guy will work out.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:36pm

  682. 682: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Memulo, I feel so happy reading your news :)

    I had followed you all last year on here. You are quite an inspiration.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:44pm

  683. 683: TamNo Gravatar says:

    638…FW..ya…not really jaded, more tired and sad that I wasted time that could have been better spent wasting on myself lol.
    I get more and more like that.
    Is that selfish?
    Tonight, for example, I have a date with Chubby. He is running 30 mins late and as I wasn’t super enthusiastic in the first place, I just wated to say:
    bugger that, do what you have to do, I’ll stay home and read/watch a movie/pick my face instead.
    I just feel booooooooooored to tears.
    Is that jaded? Not sure. Maybe just getting my priorities right?
    None of the guys really inspire me. My priority is me….

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:50pm

  684. 684: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens :)

    Wow, amb cd makes me feel so lovely :)

    I can feel a bit of fear in me though still. He is moving things forward, and I feel a little resistant. I can feel some fear of attachment rising up in me. I’m fearful of attaching too him because he is still married. Although separated for 2 years and is planning to divorce but he wants to stay the night at my which is naturally the next step which I feel totally at ease and comfy with.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:52pm

  685. 685: TamNo Gravatar says:

    641 Moving Magic, yes, that’s how I feel….and now I am in for a battery draining evening with a nice guy. I’d rather watch paint dry, grass grow….he is a bit gloomy too so not really what I need.
    Urgh, should’ve cancelled.
    Curly would be more fun now and he was asking if I was free too.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:53pm

  686. 686: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Smile, is he back yet?

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:54pm

  687. 687: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi tam, he’s back a week today but he’s texting me while he’s away and making lots of plans.
    I really want him to hold me all night so Im like why am I hesitating? I think I need to relax.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:56pm

  688. 688: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    683

    Your post made me giggle :)

    jad·ed
    /ˈjādid/
    Adjective
    Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something

    Sound familiar? ;)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 2:59pm

  689. 689: TamNo Gravatar says:

    687 Smile, sometimes it’s possible we have all this stuff in our head especially when they are away (this happens to me) and everything will be resolved most likely when he is in front of you?
    :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:01pm

  690. 690: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    where is gingerskyyyyyyy????????????
    I miss her voice here!!!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:01pm

  691. 691: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Beloved…ok, that’s it. I AM JADED then. lol.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:01pm

  692. 692: TamNo Gravatar says:

    yawn, where is he? I want the evening to be over before it starts…

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:02pm

  693. 693: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, Thank you, next week will be here before I know it. Yikes, I think I’m missing him a little lol. Aw I like him! Yey me :)

    Hope he turns up soon!
    Night night 

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:09pm

  694. 694: TamNo Gravatar says:

    tick tock tick tock. grumble.

    night night Smile!!
    Aw. I sometimes miss Curly and then I think ‘nah’, I just miss the way he makes me feel.
    And he is missing me a lot, at least he is saying so all the time…hehe.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:17pm

  695. 695: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Aw he just texed that he is missing me. I just felt my heart melt :)

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 3:21pm

  696. 696: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I told C that I adored him and yet I felt reservations around the sex part of things with us. That I didn’t feel ready to let him go and I don’t know what to do. He babbled on about needing to be sure about my feelings for him until I finally said, “You haven’t even f****** me yet! I want you to throw me down on the bed and f**** me!!” to which he acted like that was some revelation and said, “oh, I see, oh yes I can definitely do that, absolutely, yes.” Well, come last night, and he absolutely could not. I said I couldn’t be with him if we couldn’t have sex…

    It was sad for me. He asked me to give him time, said he was falling for me, asked if I was seeing other people. I gave him the no girlfriend speech, but I don’t think it was the thing to do, because I don’t want things to get more serious between us unless he can work out his sex stuff.

    Today over brunch, as he kept going on and on about his feelings for me, I told him I wanted to be clear and I don’t know that I feel as strongly for him as he does for me, that I do still care for him very much, that I do have reservations around the sex stuff, and that I don’t know what to do. He asked what do I want out of this, and I said I don’t know! That’s what I’m trying to tell you!

    I do care about him, I love the part where we’re not in bed, but I feel stressed about him being able to have sex and I don’t enjoy being naked in bed with him. And at the same time I feel so beautiful, so cherished in his presence.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:35pm

  697. 697: Memulo says:

    Girls we just came back from a very early dinner.. Thank you for your support. I’m wondering – do we just have to agree because they chose us?.. Feels kind if unfair. AnywY, I’m thinking maybe I can have one nice weekend without planning ahead and questioning what it means. Just 2 days

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:41pm

  698. 698: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    No Memulo you don’t have to agree. You seem to be the questioning type. Maybe look in the mirror and see what it says about you as you get to know yourself more intimately. I believe you are doing well exploring your doubts and feelings.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:52pm

  699. 699: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for sharing Violette

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 4:59pm

  700. 700: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    696

    Violette – I feel confused.
    Earlier you said you felt you weren’t a sexual match, that you felt repulsed – and then just now you told him you wanted him to f*ck you.
    Did something change?
    Did I misunderstand?

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:11pm

  701. 701: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Feminine Woman. I was able to use that link and purchase the book for 1.99

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 5:22pm

  702. 702: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “He only seems to want sex,”- Rori’s newsletter I received not too long ago. Trust me many times when we as ladies are involved with men, based on what they say sometimes, one has to wonder if all they want is sex.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:00pm

  703. 703: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dominique – thank you for the words – they helped. The story ended at 628 in case you wanted to hear it. :)

    @Mercedes – awesome advice. I do feel like my self worth is wrapped up in others. It shouldn’t be but it is. I”m working on it – easier said than done.

    Man it felt nice that he surprised me. I am still in shock.

    We chatted at work and that was fine.

    I haven’t heard from him today but thats not surprising or out of the ordinary.

    @Mercedes – I love your line about the fact that I’m disappointed doesnt mean I have to act that way. I get that from my mom – I feel like I have to act out on every emotion. Well, its wrong. My mom is like a child and feels like just because she has an emotion that everyone else needs to endure it. And I realize that I am like her in a lot of ways…..so I definitely want to change that.

    Anyway – how are the rest of you ladies doing tonight?

    As an aside I also realized that it is one day away from that time of month (sorry for the TMI) but wow, now I know why I was sooooooo crazy nuts emotional LOL. (not that I’m not always nuts….lol)

    Elsie

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:21pm

  704. 704: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    Im back for a bit; need to vent. I am not looking for comfort or advice or someone to resolve my issues…

    Today i was browsing FB and searched for “S”; he got married… I know most likely why he did it; he was looking for his green card; he mentioned marriage to me several times when we were together, but I wanted to wait at least a year to see if we were ready for that step. He got engaged in august and got married in october of 2012. I am not jealous per se, I just feel like life is unfair to me; I was the one who he tried to use, and I am still here not finding my guy and well he found what he wanted. I do not wish him anything, I just feel numb towards him. I am just triggered right now. Something in me hasn’t healed; I still feel shame. I am here trying to hurt myself with negative feelings; saying to myself the worst things; accepting or better said convincing myself that there is noone for me… I don’t want to hurt myself anymore…

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 6:48pm

  705. 705: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    698 FW you said
    Maybe look in the mirror and see what it says about you as you get to know yourself more intimately

    This was said to Memulo but it resonates with me. I have been getting to know ME and looking in the mirror…and I’m face to face with a girl who is scared of money management and scared of abandonment…

    I’m also a woman who has come so far…recognizing codependency as a huge issue in the past that I could NOT see for so long, thank God I can see it now…and I’ve taken steps to limit my “attraction” to toxic partners…

    I still have the attraction but now I have an awareness…
    I am still learning..

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:19pm

  706. 706: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I find it interesting that I am intermittently attracting mr. unavailable BlueCD..he is what appears to be a boy/man, perhaps he will prove me wrong but I feel turned off when someone asks me “where are you taking me” UGH…pfffftttt……………he seems to be testing the waters constantly to see if we can hook up, but now and then alludes to more potential. WHY am I still responding to his messages/texts? Because I’m bored and I want male attention. That’s why.

    AND I feel a HUGE URGE for RecycledCD’s approval and comfort/advice…scrounging is the word that comes to mind and Emerson you’re BETTER than that!!!

    I feel frustrated with myself over this but I don’t want to be unkind or harsh to myself, I want to be kind to myself…and gentle with myself.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:24pm

  707. 707: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    683 Tam I can so relate to what you are saying here!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:25pm

  708. 708: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Emerson – wow. I can totally relate to wanting male attention. I was in a horrible marriage and am ending it now. I have had no male attention in forever. Now that I have it and my brain remembers what Oxytocin feels like …well, I crave it. Haha! I tell you – its crazy! I can totally relate to this. Its like I was in the desert and someone gave me a glass of water.

    I can totally relate – so I just wanted to say that. I think it takes a lot of work and faking it till you make it kind of stuff, and just working on it – since it obviously doesnt come naturally to us to just not worry about thier comfort…..

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:27pm

  709. 709: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Clarifying – what i mean is their comfort …. them comforting us….

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:28pm

  710. 710: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    659 thanks Dominique for sharing that! I feel inspired and thankful that you shared your successes and your journey with me….
    Wow impressive and I love all your twists and turns…
    I feel that I’ve taken lots of twists and turns as well, and I’m still in motion…

    Sometimes I think “what happened to the cookie cutter life we’re ‘supposed’ to have?” but I have to let go of that belief…really I do…

    I feel restless and insecure but I’m working towards a future goal to earn my master’s degree…

    it’s just taking a looong time…

    and I’m struggling with my bills and just making ends meet is seeming to take over my life. ((Emerson))

    Why does it always come back to that…I’m terrible with money…

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:34pm

  711. 711: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    708 Hi Elsie!
    Sorry about your marriage ending.
    But good for you for taking care of you and doing what you need to do even though it’s soo hard!

    ((Elsie))

    I’ve gotten a bit isolated and when I got some male attention this morning at the car repair shop I turned red and I got super shy and embarrassed. OMG what!?

    I could not do any of the tools I got tongue tied and felt like a bit akward poodle. LOL

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:39pm

  712. 712: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Luzydel I just wanted you to know that your words were “heard” and I always enjoy reading your posts as I relate to lots of what you have to say. Nice to see you. xoxo
    Emerson

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:40pm

  713. 713: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    He’s everything you want
    He’s everything you need
    He’s everything inside of you
    That you wish you could be
    He says all the right things
    At exactly the right time
    But he means nothing to you
    And you don’t know why

    You’re waiting for someone
    To put you together
    You’re waiting for someone to push you away
    There’s always another wound to discover
    There’s always something more you wish he’d say

    -Vertical Horizon
    some Lyrics from the song Everything You Want

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:44pm

  714. 714: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    @Emerson – well, my marriage really ended years ago – we are just shoring up the details now LOL. I’m actually finding myself in another relationship – which I *NEVER* thought I would do before I was divorced. This last year was a year of firsts for me in my life.

    Anyway – I”m working on figuring out who I am and what I want and not being the “boy”. In my marriage I had all the male energy – well, because someone had to get everything done, and he didnt do anything, so it was ALL left up to me – jobs, money, house, kids, etc. Everything. Sigh – exhausting.

    So I’m learning how to lean back and have feminine energy. It feels nice when I lean back and am surprised when there is male energy that fills in the spaces and does things for me. :)

    I’m sorry you didnt feel good today and clammed up – I think it just takes practice, and plus you may not have really felt like doing it at that time, with those guys, so tahts totally fine too!

    Elsie

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 7:50pm

  715. 715: k2012No Gravatar says:

    If a man doesn’t call, if he doesn’t step up, if he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do
    then raise YOUR degree of difficulty, raise YOUR status in YOUR OWN eyes, and downgrade HIM.
    When you Circular Date, you INSTANTLY raise your degree of difficulty. When you refuse to be “exclusive” or be a girlfriend to a man who hasn’t committed himself to you fully, you are raising your degree of difficulty.”. Brilliant! There is a slang we would say in my country ‘Pram Pram!’
    Reading a newsletter from Rori. Even when I don’t have time to read them, newsletters from Rori, Christian Carter, Elaine M.D. And Michael stay in my inbox until I read them. In fact, my inbox is filled with mail from all of these relationship coaches. I hardly delete them.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:14pm

  716. 716: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    714 Elsie thank you for your kind words to me….

    I’ve also been unprogramming from boy energy…
    wow I really have to make a conscious effort not to jump into that role

    I have “ideas” and
    I have a job where I have to be a “leader”….or I won’t survive…

    I also had to be in boy energy when growing up because my parents were not always helpful in my life situations!!!!!

    Which is STILL the case to this day, and yes I’m grown…but when I talk to my Mom about things I’m concerned about it does not matter how big or small she RARELY listens, she’ll start to eat, or gaze at the TV or the stars, or the sky or start talking to my Dad…i’m not joking…she even lets out a big exasperated *sigh*…anything to avoid having to hear my concerns and be an active listener….I resent it so very much. She’s been that way all my life.

    so when I step outside…

    I have to re-acquaint myself with girl energy Emerson!

    Sorry I’m just venting…wow I didn’t know how angry I was.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 8:36pm

  717. 717: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I think I scared everyone oopsies sorry sirens xoxo Emerson

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:08pm

  718. 718: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson it feels amazing and inspiring to read about your bold self discoveries! ..And there is a new thread up!

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 9:48pm

  719. 719: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for hearing.

    Saturday, 19 January 2013 @ 11:51pm

  720. 720: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – I soo relate to you about your mun. I’m sure everyone does. I think all mums are quite simillar – I’ve never met a mum yet who really listens to their kids. Maybe I’m wrong.

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 3:28am

  721. 721: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    If I say to my mum I feel fed up, worried or concerned about something – her response is usually “Yeah, I do to!” and she brings everything back to her again. I don’t think my mum has ever really listened to me. There is nothing in it dor her to do so. Sry for rant!

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 7:36am

  722. 722: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    *for

    ‘scuse spelling!

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 7:42am

  723. 723: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies,
    I hit the town again last night with a girlfriend. We had so much fun! I made a change from the bar/club that I would have normally went to a more upscale place. We had a great time!

    To top it off, K texted me at 2 a.m. and said “Honey, just woke up and thought of you. I’ll call you tomorrow”. I was still out…hehehe….and saw it right away. But, I didn’t respond until this morning around 10 a.m.

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 11:10am

  724. 724: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Elsie – 703 – Thank you for filling me in. Whatever happens, you will be fine, great even. Yay you!!!

    xxoo

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 11:54am

  725. 725: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson and Elsie – It’s okay to want touch and love and affection. I too was starved for it after leaving a very long, very awful marriage. I was upfront with this with K. I told him how much I love to be hugged and touched, and it may never be enough.

    It is possible to feel this way yet not be clingy or needy though this might happen sometimes, and you say so. “I’m feeling kind of needy right now. A hug would feel so good.” For example.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 11:58am

  726. 726: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson – It’s okay if you mother can’t handle hearing your stuff. It may be a hard thing to swallow, yet the sooner you can understand that maybe she just can’t, the better YOU get to feel.

    I too have a mother like this. I don’t share my heart with her. We have a pleasant yet superficial relationship, and I’m okay with this now.

    I share my deep self with others who can hear me.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 12:02pm

  727. 727: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    And lastly Emerson – I think the biggest starting over piece for me was when I left my ex after having been together with him for over thirteen years.

    I wanted out from the relationship maybe two years or so in, and I did try to leave, but he would either beg and plead and cry, or he would threaten me.

    So I stayed, and I kept staying. I eventually reached a point where I had more or less resigned myself that this would be my life, yet I dreamed of something better when I lay awake at night.

    Going back to college as an adult is what turned the tables for me. I gained strength and courage, and he hated that I was doing something more with my life.

    He asked for the divorce, and I said, “It’s about time.”

    Yet when it came time to actually go, I was terrified. Even though I hated my life with him, fear the unknown can be powerful.

    I wasn’t making enough money to support myself. I couldn’t really count on the ex being he was unpredictable in all ways. And I was so close to getting my degree. I so didn’t want to have to drop out.

    Two weeks after having moved out, I was fixed up on a blind date with K. It turned out that we had known each other ten years prior. I had even given him a facial treatment back then though it took a long time to get that memory back.

    We’ve been together ever since. I moved in with him five months later though this was by default (a story for another day), and I got to finish my degree and write a novel.

    It wasn’t easy getting involved so soon, for I had A LOT of cr*p to work through and let go of, yet it all worked out brilliantly, as you know.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 12:10pm

  728. 728: ViNo Gravatar says:

    “We have a pleasant yet superficial relationship, and I’m okay with this now. ”

    Maybe my heart could handle this ok attitude too.. maybe it even won’t get torn apart by the enormous sadness… I will be okay.

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 4:56pm

  729. 729: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Dominique for sharing.

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 4:57pm

  730. 730: miss bNo Gravatar says:

    well i met this man nine years ago, we feel inlove with eachother and then suddenly he had to leave town. then in i received and inbox from a mutual friend stating that he was inquiring about me. after two weeks i accepted the invitation. we began speaking to eachother everyday for hours on end over the phone. he wanted to come back to the city where i was still residing and after countless hours we decided that we could rekindle our relationship that we once had. and so we did but after a few weeks he was not spending any time with me i was ill when he got here something we had discussed in conversations as well as he. so we had a mutual understanding that we would take care of eachother. so while i notices his was not spending or putting any quality time in with me. i soon got better and went back to my normal life. but conflict arose because i acted out and put his things out in which i sometimes regret but i was feeling hopelessly lovesick when he would not come home. a few weeks later i found out who the other woman was a long time friend. she and i had several conversations, with threats on her part, txts etc. she told me alot of things that i did not want to hear but i did, i kept my personal information regarding him confidential i only when able to responded to comments she said or she did most of the talking while i listened. after a few weeks had gone bye he and i began to conversate again regarding the whole situation, we resumed our relationship and discussed everything at length we did however have some txts that we sent to one another which were very agurementive. after resuming a comprise i called it a relationship he called it i began seeing and dating other men. after being spotted out at a local night club he made his self known while in public on the last occassion he became hurt and demanding and i obeyed him without putting up a fight or agrument. he comes over and vists,still txt call, and spends the night or nights and days even. what am i doing i am now back to being with him sexually but inclusive. i am still dating one of the two other men but without the sexual benefit. and he knows this. how is a puzzle to me. buft i got his attention while out at the club. so yes i will admit that when i am feeling lonely and vulernable i recently have acted out in a txt. we exchanged some words but soon ended with him stating that he loves me. after i stopped responding to his txt. i love this man and wondering if he is worth it or am i just waisting my time when i could be giving my love to the man i am still dating without sexual benefits. he thinks that i am the same woman that i was 9 years ago, i have had some tough times and went through a very bad transition, but much better now after cleaning myself up and i am more evolved in myself and i dont want to loose that because of how i feel about him. he tells me that he loves me all the time which i sometimes doubt even when he says he loves me with his whole heart. i am always availble to him when he calls or comes by . i sometimes threaten him by telling him im going to tell the women that he lives with about us he always tell me to go ahead she already knows. which leaves questions up in the air for me. he is an opportunist and i dont care about what she does for him that i cannot mostly money, and i dont want to offer that to him to become dependant on me for that use. i rather it be her but he has not left her yet even though he tells me he is all the time. almost tire of waiting … help

    Sunday, 20 January 2013 @ 8:46pm

  731. 731: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Janie Baby: Re manifesting and limiting beliefs. For me, this take a lot of practice and a lot of meditation. Other than the Power of Positive Thinking and The Secret, I haven’t really read much on it, I simply try to live my life that way as much as possible. I focus a LOT on my dreams when I meditate (and that happens at least twice per day) and if I catch myself believing in a way or thinking in a way or daydreaming in a way that doesn’t serve me then I do my very best to reframe that into something that DOES serve me or that I DO want to manifest.

    To some, this stuff doesn’t and will never work because they believe things “can’t happen” or “don’t exist” or are “impossible”. I choose not to believe that. I believe anything is possible. Anything. I don’t yet believe that it is all easy but I’m working on believing that too… :-)

    For me though…it’s not so much what I read as what I am training my mind to think and see. Meditation. The key to it all.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  732. 732: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    miss b, Welcome, and I feel your pain. I’m so thrilled for you that you’ve been able to grow and feel better, and this situation is just a part of that “learning cycle.” Any man who causes us to have so much upset is simply “not worth it.” Any man who has another woman and doesn’t leave her immediately and with honor for us is “not worth it.” Any man who makes us feel “less than” instead of “more than” when we’re with him is not worth it. Love is supposed to enhance our lives – not make them more difficult and less joyous. As you work with the Tools, and Circular Date – you’ll start to feel stronger and be able to see this situation more clearly. If you can, please start with the ebook…over in the sidebar. Love, Rori

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 1:56pm

  733. 733: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori for all your support,thank you all Sirens for this great space. I always feel uplifted being on here and reading the advice and feedback.
    I have had many challenges too come up recently, career, finances, emotional pain etc. and i felt sooo tired sometimes unable to get up in the morning. I was worried and went to the doc to check things out and we found out that I have very low iron and an underfunctioning thyroid. I wasn’t aware that an underfunctioning thyroid can mess things so much, emotionaly and physically. I was offered medication, but I am going to try out certain yoga exercises first.
    I hope I feel better and more confident soon so that I can start circular dating again. I love your programms targeting mr. right and modern siren and also your heart connection tool kit. Recently on a very low day i discovered Arielle Ford’s book The secret of love. I know you don’t believe in soulmates Rori and I havn’t too for some time however after getting in touch with divine truth my heart believes in it again. Arielle’s book is focusing on attracting your soulmate and its a great treasure too, like your work Rori. Thank you

    Monday, 21 January 2013 @ 4:41pm

  734. 734: ClareNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone,

    I have a bit of a dilemma…

    My husband and I separated three months ago as he felt I wasn’t treating him properly. Because of the ups and downs following this (arguments because I want to work it out and he says we can’t), he says we need to learn to be friends again before anything else can happen again.

    We are at a point now where, despite him saying this (the last time was on Saturday night), he doesn’t contact me hardly!

    I’m torn as to what to do – do I stick it out and lean back and wait for him to start doing the work, or is there some way that I could start to encourage contact and “friendship”?

    Please let me know your thoughts?! Much appreciated…

    Clare

    Tuesday, 22 January 2013 @ 6:44am

  735. 735: estaNo Gravatar says:

    Im feeling lost and confused i dont know what is going on we have been together for 2 years in may and are living together have done so for last 6 months he is the main income earner and is financially supporting me and my 3 children i am not currently working but recieve financial assistance, problem is up until christmas just gone things were ok there was lots of affection our relationship was fairly stable we have no trust or control issues we never argue sometimes have a mild disagreement. he at his own willingness helps out efficiently with day to day living you know like cleaning yard or his share of help around the house so no nagging yay thats a first for me. however one issue we do have is his 3 year olds sons mother does not allow his son around my 6 year old daughter and at christmas time he had to stay elsewhere with his son for a week and every fortnight weekend this has been ongoing for over a year and we have been ok with it. this does cause bit of unsettledness in weekends but is soon forgotten by monday evening this does put stress on our relationship but i believe it can be worked thru with staying open about feelings and communication. but since that week away when he came back home things were very airy the affection and kind things he usually would do stopped its as if the being away for a week really upset him and he has just gone numb, i rarely get a kiss goodbye or hello when he goes and returns from work now which was a daily thing that if i didnt want to kiss him he would be persistent in a kind cheeky way of course i dont even get a hello now, the lovely warm cuddles at bedtime diminished i rarely get touched or looked at anymore i feel like i am losing or have lost him we always sat beside each other or cuddling while watching tv and it feels like it just stopped he still sits beside me but no touch anymore i get very little response in conversation now and very little eye contact. I am hurting I feel sick in my stomach I feel Pain in my heart and confusion of not knowing what is going on in my head. my whole body aches for him to touch me and notice me again. i am trying to step back and in the hopes he will come to me i dont go to him for cuddles or kisses anymore i have stopped dishing up his dinner or offering him a coffee when i am making one. at night i just go to bed dont say anything he follows soon after but just gets in bed nothing else. things like that but i feel its making things worse i feel he is getting more and more distant from me i dont be nasty to him if he conversates with me i smile at him and listen. my fear of this ending is growing i have tried feeling messages to him over last week like i feel sad i feel confused i feel nervous i feel lost i feel like communication is needed. the couple of times lately he has been kind and offers me a cup of tea or just makes one to be nice and brings to me i say thank you thats nice of you but even that has stopped now i no longer get offered i feel like he is making himself stop feeling for me, i lie in bed most nights crying or go back to lounge and sit there by myself to cry wanting a answer and to be held i dont know if i should let him see or hear my tears i want him to know my sadness and fear of things falling apart but feels like attention seeking he has never been a strong communicator which lead me to this sight to start with he is a good kind caring honest person tough guy on outside but a care bear or marshmallow within. i dont know what to do anymore he talks very low and negative of himself calls himself useless and dumb his latest is feels like all he is here for as in life is to be a worker nothing else i didnt like hearing that, made me feel sad for him, i didnt tell him that though, it feels to me he feels like he is not worthy of any good for himself from others i dont understand this cause he is always kind and giving to others doesnt treat or judge people badly i feel he has a lot of good qualities but doesnt know how to express his feelings or emotions, i feel our time is ending and i dont want that but am lost as to what i can do, some thought or and advise would be greatly appreciated before its to late, i said this morning to him im feeling really confused and dont know whats goin on do you think we could talk a bit this afternoon with a confused look in his eyes and a slightly delayed response i got a yea.

    Thank you a very anxious
    Esta

    Tuesday, 22 January 2013 @ 12:11pm

  736. 736: estaNo Gravatar says:

    ps to previous novel he is 31 im 35 we dont share children together. i dont like how i am feeling I am feeling like i have no meaning to him and like he doesnt care, that im not worthy to fight for, he has given up, i feel hurt feeling that. i feel like my efforts of openess have been wasted i feel weird saying this.

    i feel weird laying in bed feels strange being untouched i feel invisible to him

    Tuesday, 22 January 2013 @ 12:53pm

  737. 737: LizNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I posted on a previous thread.. and Rori was kind enough to answer. Here is my update.. things are better now. I did turn my focus back on myself.. that quickly.. again its not perfect, but that quickly things calmed down and his attitude towards me changed a bit. More interested in me, asking me questions about what Im doing and initiating things a little. Rori’s methods do work. When you are focused on yourself, he cant help to notice and it makes you more confident and more attractive. While I do not circular date, I have alot of very good looking and dynamic male friends.. so I called them all up out of the blue and asked if they wanted to have lunch or see a movie.. they all said Yes!! So having their attention is also making me feel better. I will continue focusing on me and see where this leads me…

    Friday, 25 January 2013 @ 5:31am

  738. 738: CourtneyNo Gravatar says:

    I am in desperate need of advice!

    I have been dating somebody for only 5 months. We are pretty much the same person. We like the same music,food, things to do and we share the same ideas and morals. It was a great relationship but he has been cheated on every one of his ex’s. One he was with for 4 years and another he was engaged too. There were more but that it the some of it. The cheated on him a few times with a few guys. We met and He trusted me completely in which I don’t condone to cheating, lying or flirting when you are with somebody. So one night we went to the dive bar by my house for a drink. He doesn’t get drunk and i don’t really care to much. We were having fun and I decided I wanted to drink more but I was broke and i wasn’t going to ask him. He doesn’t like it when girls except him to pay for everything. So i just figured whatever let go home. As I was closing out my tab this guy next to me asked if i wanted a shot, I said I don’t know, he said why are your parents here, I said no but my boyfriend is. Then he said okay so you have a boyfriend, do you want a shot? At this point my boyfriend walked up and i introduced them. He then told my boyfriend we are taking a shot would you like on in which he said no. So them the guy started undermining my boyfriend. I tool the shot and the we walked away. Well not knowing how much of a problem that was my boyfriend now does not trust me. He would only talk about it over arguememts. Are relationship was good. Then Thursday comes and he is saying to me let’s never break up, I love you, I would be miserable without You. He went out after that for a beer then called me on his way home saying he needs time to get past this but didn’t want to break up with me because he didn’t want me to go hook up with another man which is not who I am! So I gave him time but I was still bugging him and texting him in that time. So he ended up breaking up with me because he can’t trust me. I have apologized for doing that an told him it hasn’t and will not happen again. Becausr he has trust issues from his ex’s he can’t get past that. He thinks its a sign for future events when it was a mistake that i learned from. I will not take shots from guys! Well I started crying saying dont do this I love you so much. He said he can’t trust me. He also said that he still wants me in his life so he would call me in a week to meet up and try and start from scratch. At this point I don’t know if he said that because I was crying or if he means it. I still haven’t left him alone but finally today I got myself to stop. I’m going to give him his time till calls me to meet up. But i want to text him that i miss him or that if he wants to meet up it has to be because you want to still be with me and work this out, if not we won’t meet up. I’m so lost I don’t know what I’m doing!

    Wednesday, 6 February 2013 @ 8:42pm

  739. 739: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Courtney – This man has issues. I say this all the time. A man who was cheated on WANTS a woman who’ll cheat on him! It’s so far into the subconscious, he doesn’t even know it, and it makes a mess of his relationships. If it were me, and my boyfriend took a shot from another woman at a bar, I’d be furious, and so I would expect this man to be really angry. Give him some time. If he doesn’t show up again, then he’s not the one for you. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 7 February 2013 @ 12:47pm

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