Saying Goodbye

We said goodbye to our cat Maggie yesterday.  She was way too young at 6 years, she got sick way too suddenly and shockingly and mysteriously, the wheels of diagnostic medicine turned way too slowly, and we were faced with a choice we didn’t want to make way too soon.

Along the way to goodbye, we met an extraordinary vet, felt helpless, hopeful and hopeless all at the same time for weeks, experienced huge emotions and memories coming up from our whole lives, tried to make wise decisions based on little evidence, and saw how differently we all – my husband, our nearly grown daughter and me – experience life, emotions and decisions.

Maggie was my “husband’s” cat, our dog is “my” dog.  And so the decisions were ultimately my husband’s to make.

And our marriage, and our connection, and keeping the important things front-and-center, and our ability to feel and to love and to share and be real with each other and get through together and accept even this tragedy as something to bring us all closer – that all showed up.

There is such a huge difference between feelings and thoughts.  When tragedy and high emotion hits – it’s so clear to see.

Love is always the answer, and yet it’s so much more comfortable to run from it.

There’s love you feel, love you radiate, love you give, love you make a mental decision to bestow, acts of love, things you do that are loving, love you receive…

Some love requires doing something, like taking care for someone or something or especially ourselves.

And some love requires only that we feel.

So – can we “do” love even if we can’t “feel” love?  Can we “feel” love even if we’re paralyzed and can’t “do” love?

Almost all of us have “limits” of what we can feel at any one time without blowing out our circuits – or so we think.

Something that happens right now can trigger a long-ago trauma that would be emotionally nearly unbearable – even though what’s happening right now is very, very bearable – perhaps even an opportunity for “personal growth.”

But the trauma is so intense, we can feel ourselves shut down – like a film goes over our hearts and bodies, like we just fade into the background, everything fades to white…and we cannot feel.  We go numb, right when we most want to feel love or do love.  Right when we want to be here, we go away.

And when you’re saying goodbye to someone you love, the feelings and the traumas and all you want to do and say and change, everything going on in your heart and everything going on in your mind – and everything that seems to be happening inside you like it’s on “automatic pilot,” all the intense pushing from inside you to resist saying goodbye, to change the ending, to alter the universe, to throw the scientific “steps” of grief out the window and create your own new truth…

…it pushes you right up against the one thing that makes the difference in your life, and that’s faith.

I don’t mean religious faith, though that can be wonderful for so many of us, or spiritual faith in a more mystical and new-agey way, or even faith in ourselves and our ability to survive and bounce back and take care and manage and make decisions.

I encourage you to explore and use all of these, as I do, to help you find and practice the bottom line of faith – and that is that you can ACCEPT anything that happens, feel ALL possible and seemingly impossible to bear feelings – and decide to be happy anyway.

Decide that you are important to the world, that you being able to feel, to share your feelings, to feel however you feel at any given moment and still choose happiness over despair for the long haul is important for the world.  It is.

A decision to bring peace, love, and happiness to the table of the world is the right decision.  And the decision has to be made with your mind, first, and then your heart will show you the way…moment by moment.  Right here, right now, this leaf, this flower, this piece of paper, this book, this fluff on the carpet, this sound, this cloud…

Not that you’ll always feel happy, because feelings are always morphing, the “Soup” is always holding all feelings for us to feel. But the “mindset” that whatever happens will not take you down for long will allow you to bounce back up, and then find a new place for yourself at a higher level of happiness.  A higher level of love.

The mindset is that your reason for being here is love – to feel love and to do love and receive love, and that when you get that straight in your mind, and then let your body feel what it feels without restraint – all the bouncing from feeling to feeling and thought to thought and even from intensity to numbness seems – right.

You don’t have to fix it.  You just have to love it.  You don’t have to control it, you just have to love it.

You can look at goodbye in many ways.  Choose the one that feels the most intensely positive for you. Even if you feel foolish choosing a positive, fanciful, spiritual,  imaginative way – choose the one that makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you lift your chin up and look around.  Choose the one that offers possibilities.

We all want to shut doors and go down dark roads.  It’s how we were brought up.

Change direction.  Even in grief, love speaks loudest.

My loving wishes for you as you say goodbye to old ways of being, to old thoughts that no longer serve you, to people and animals and things that move on in a mysterious way.

Make a faith for yourself that makes it okay.  It’s okay to make it okay. It’s okay to cry and feel anger and still smile at things that catch your eye and remind you of why you’re here.  Love.  Whatever it looks like.

I’ll be here with you, swimming around in my soup, bouncing and crying and smiling, and looking my husband and every one I meet out in the world in the eye while I feel all that. Let’s do this together. Let’s allow our minds, hearts and bodies to open to love. Right here, right now…this leaf…this word…this chaos… this sound, this rain, this breeze, this person…

Love, Rori

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26 Comments to “Saying Goodbye”

  1. 1: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    this post made me cry. it felt like receiving love and compassion and understanding and that makes me cry. thank you, rori.

    (first reshi!!!!)

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 1:35pm

  2. 2: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    also i am sorry for your loss of maggie. she left her kittie form and maybe now is romping around in th ether of heaven. xoxo i know how painful it is to lose pets.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 2:03pm

  3. 3: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Me too Alias Girl. Me too. Rori this post was so beautiful in so so many ways. Thank you for your beautiful heart and for sharing it with us. I loved what you said here….”You don’t have to fix it. You just have to love it. You don’t have to control it, you just have to love it.” I absolutely feel that the reason I was put here was to love and be loved and that is all I have ever wanted in life. So many people have said I was nuts to only think of that but in the end…..at the end of each day if you are filled with stuff, things to do, things to take care of, stuff to do or take care of…and you have no love…then in my opinion…you have nothing.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 2:14pm

  4. 4: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    And there I was, hitting refresh every 5 minutes… D:

    Rori, I feel so sad for the loss of your kitty. And I feel numb reading this post…there’s some feeling coming up in my vagina but I’m stuffing it down.

    Just to think about deciding to be happy and bring happiness no matter what happens feels daring, like a fire growing in the pit of my stomach. I am standing across a train track from two beautiful trees and I want to hug them but don’t really want to get hit by a train.

    I had been shopping earlier and a handsome man looked at me and smiled, and I froze in fear. I wanted to have smiled back. It would not have hurt me to have smiled back. But I froze and the moment passed without my making a connection, and he likely thought I snubbed him. And I feel this goes back to faith. Something kept me from having faith that I would be OK and happy if I smiled back at this man. I felt I would be opening a can of worms, unleashing the serpent on the Garden of Eden. I don’t know what trauma I was stuck in. I just know I want to be able to flow with these moments and feelings without all the fear and guilt and judgment.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 2:15pm

  5. 5: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra, it feels so safe to be filled with stuff and things to do and things to take care of. It feels so safe right now to have no love, to be so far away from love. And you know what? I fucking hate it.

    I couldn’t be arsed to shed a tear for any of my loved ones who passed over to the other side. But at least I’m safe. At least no one will criticize me for showing emotion. I feel very angry that this fear-based false masculinity has so completely consumed me. And when I say “I feel very angry” I mean “I feel some slight feeling of anger but I THINK this is terrible.” The conquest is that complete. I feel like a washed-up whore or an abandoned strip mine, used up, dried up, and left damaged. It makes my head feel just icky and stuck in a groove. Yeah. Just ride that washed-up whore groove for the rest of your miserable life as you grow old and die alone, if that’s what you want. I’ll even say I LOVE that rut, that makes it OK. I now know where the phrase “shit-eating grin” comes from, I feel like I have one on my face, like I’m completely debased and can’t possibly go any lower. I feel at peace with being at the bottom of the barrel. I can smile at the bottom of the barrel and say, “Even here, I can be happy and bring happiness to the world.”

    That feels powerful. But do I really have to stay in this shit-barrel?

    I’m afraid to climb out, afraid to say I want good things for myself, and afraid to take good things. I keep myself in debt and shove sugar down my throat to keep my body in suffering. I am afraid to be healthy and happy and rich because then someone might ask me for something, and I might not be able to say no, or I might say yes whan I want to say no. Power and control scare me. I want to stay down here, completely debased, where it is safe. D:

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 2:35pm

  6. 6: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    AHA – Thanks Reshi!

    “I am afraid to be healthy and happy and rich because then someone might ask me for something, and I might not be able to say no, or I might say yes whan I want to say no.”

    That’s what it is. I am afraid to say no. Well I am getting a whole lot better at it lately.

    In the man department I have been saying NO to a lot of pretty good ones, and I am amazed how another one always turns up to keep the rotation going. I wonder if I would even notice if no one was showing up right now.

    I feel a lot better healthwise and I feel grateful about that. I feel a lot of mistrust with one of my girlfriends and I feel annoyed and worried and kind of safe about that. I feel we have a weird relationship where I feel strong and superior to her and in some way that is controlling me. I want to have friends that I feel equal to and I feel respect for and respected by. Thank you.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 3:03pm

  7. 7: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel release. of tears. i say tha bc i don’t know what the feeling is. i feel release. of tears. i feel sad? i feel alone and stuck. i know i am blessed. i know i am grateful. i know i am at the top tier in this life as far as fortune and good health and stability and a good mind and a decent amount of compassion.

    i feel less than. i feel flawed. i feel frozen. FROZEN. i feel frozen. and the only way i unfreeze is if i write on this freaking blog about how i feel frozen. i feel annoyed and amused. i feel shame. i feel shame for my frozen_ness. that i am not just miss productivity and activity and on the go and jumping out of airplanes and recording record albums and traveling to france.

    i read these men’s profiles and i feel inadequate with what sounds like a constantly active lifesstyle of fun and friends. who are these people and if their lives are so full why are they online? and if they are all that why don’t they know dating ettiquette or how to keep a conversation going?

    i feel confused. and shame. that’s one of the reason’s i can’t imagine having a real (non imaginary) boyfriend. i feel shame about how often i get frozen and just sit trapped in my motionless body while my mind spins fantasies of all the things i wish i were doing and the fabulous life i’d be leading if only if i had a boyfired or more money or a different job or whatever.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 3:04pm

  8. 8: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i am learning how to let myself break men’s hearts though. slightly. it reminded of this when daria said about being afraid people will want something and not bfeeling strong enough to say no. i used to shut down around men i was not attracted to bc i didn’t want them being interested in me and having to reject them. but slowly i am opening up. it feels weird though. i mean i feel flattered but i also feel awkward and like i just want to run away and never have to talk to them again. i feel awkward breaking men’s hearts.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 3:10pm

  9. 9: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Reshi….first of all…I have missed you TONS! Second of all your post hit me like a ton of bricks and made me cry. You wrote this….”I’m afraid to climb out, afraid to say I want good things for myself, and afraid to take good things. I keep myself in debt and shove sugar down my throat to keep my body in suffering. I am afraid to be healthy and happy and rich because then someone might ask me for something, and I might not be able to say no, or I might say yes whan I want to say no. Power and control scare me. I want to stay down here, completely debased, where it is safe. D:” talking about being in that barrel of #$@##^. I can so totally relate to this right now that even now I have tears streaming down my cheeks. Back in May when I found out some of the stuff that C has been doing I feel into a very deep depression and lost alot of weight without even trying..I mean ALOT of weight…my clithes were falling off of me. It felt good tolose all of that weight but it was for the wrong reasons and definitely in the wrong way….since August I guess I have been eating ALL of the wring things and have gained back alot of that weight and though my clothes fit now…not tight but fit I feel disgusting and repulsive. it doesn’t help that C has not made love to me since way before my surgery…I feel unattractive and unwanted and un-beautiful pretty much UN everything good. So I could totally relate to you saying what you did about being in that barrel….I think I am there with you but hating that you are in that horrible place. You mentioned that if you didn’t do those things to yourself that someone might notice you and that hit me too…..before I came here men wanted to be with me for what I did in the music industry and not for WHO I am and now given all that has happened since coming here I feel that no one would even want me….for ME that is..especially not now having been in this situation. It is like I am afriad to get back to being ME again because someone will want something from me or want to get to know me but NOT for who I am and it sucks. I hate that you feel this way! I am in that barrel with you for sure but unlike you who is totally moving up and out of it I feel stuck and paralyzed in it. I am not taking care of me and don’t even care sometimes…..part of me wants to get back in the gym and eat right again and feel good but then I feel like ‘for what?’. I can’t even say that i love that feeling becasue I don’t…not at all. AG…I feel the same way…frozen and I can’t move and I hate it. I feel like my whole life is on hold and I can’t do a damn thing about it! Even when C is gone at work, I can’t seem to get out of this house and DO something. I have never really been one to enjoy doing fun stuff alone so taht is not new…I like to be with friends or family. I feel so alone and isolated here that I want to scream but in some ways I am afraid to leave. WHY?! I feel ashamed, I feel inadequate, I feel less than…I feel UN everything good….I feel that I will never get ME back and be who I wqas before I got here. I know tha i will never be ME again until I get out of here but I can’t seem to move..I feel like I am trying to run through molasses…even breathing is labored…..I feel like everyone here thinks that I should just get with it (NO ONE here has ever said that!!! That is all coming from within ME)…like everyone is thinking ‘what the hell is wrong with her…why doesn’t she just leave?!’ I feel that I have let everyone down including myself and that I will never be back to ME again…I feel scared about that but don’t know what to do about it. I feel stuck in these new nad habits that i KNOW arwe not good for me and can’t seem to do right by ME. That hurt MY OWN feelings to write. have you ever hurt your own feelings? Well I have and right now I hate myself for not being there for me….I have never beenthere for ME ever and here I again not taking care of me…again. I feel that little girl again crying and wondering what is so wrong with me that even ME doens’t love me or want me. This hurts so badly. I WANT to take care of her but I don’t know how. I don’t even know how to REALLY FEEL what I feel sometimes and it is eating me alive. I don’t want us to be in that barrel Reshi….we don’t belong in here.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 3:30pm

  10. 10: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Reshi: I’m curious…do you know what your passions are? Have you written them down? What do you love or love to do that has nothing to do with a man? Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I see you as someone who doesn’t really understand how to be happy on her own…you are waiting for a man to bring that happiness to you but since YOU don’t know what makes you happy, a man has no fighting chance. If YOU don’t know, he sure as heck isn’t going to be able to figure it out. My heart goes out to you because there was a time when my boyfriend was my sun, my moon and my stars. He was all I had and we broke up for a bit and to be honest, I didn’t think I was even going to be able to get out of bed or brush my teeth! I was a hot MESS!! It was at this point that I read about Rori’s “degree of difficulty” theory and it made complete sense to me. I was doing NOTHING to make myself happy…the only happiness I knew was the happiness he brought me and when he stopped making me happy, I sat there in misery while I waited for him to make me happy again.

    So…I took out my journal (I hope you journal…it does WONDERS) and I wrote down everything I liked about myself…everything I could think of. Then, I wrote down my passions…I wrote everything I had always loved to do before I met “my sun, my moon and my stars”. Then…I did them. I took time for myself. If I felt like sitting home and crying for 3 days, I went to a place where I could be happy (usually out looking for a cute new pair of high heeled shoes..lol) and where it was impossible for me to cry (because there were too many people around). I tried on shoes. I tried on clothes. I (in the dressing room all by myself) strutted my stuff and pretended my man was watching from a distance. By the time he wanted me back, he was getting a whole new woman. I still have my passions and I still do those things without him. He’s a HUGE part of my happiness, but he’s not responsible for it and I have NO DOUBT that I don’t NEED him for it. He knows that too (which makes for a huge degree of difficulty) and he pursues me.

    As soon as I realized I was doing basically NOTHING to make his life better with me in it and I was counting on him to make me happy, I also realized no man could ever really love me. The new me…the “difficult” me…brings a lot to our relationship but at the same time, I don’t work at it. I make sure I’m doing what makes me happy and it makes him want to be the one to make me happy….and during all of this…he’s happily in love with me. I now bring something to the relationship. I bring a wonderful, vibrant, sexy, caring, loving woman and he brings me whatever I want/need. I literally can be sitting on the couch and make a small comment about being thirsty and he’ll go get me water. I make myself so happy that I think he feels the need to do any little thing he can think of because HE wants to be the one to make me happy (he really doesn’t…he just doesn’t know that because he would leave me if I went back to relying on him for my happiness, but he thinks that’s what he wants because I’m so happy without him that it scares him sometimes and makes him want to give to me…lol)

    Ladies: I realize I am blessed but it took a long time to get here. Write down your passions. Those of you who are afraid to succeed or take care of yourselves or be the best you can be are simply looking too far into the future (and the future can be VERY scary!!!). Start with looking to right now and instead of wondering what will happen “if I become too successful”, ask yourself, what will happen “if I do something that makes ME happy TODAY”. Not tomorrow, not a year from now but TODAY. What’s the worst that can happen if you are happy today and you walk around with a big legitimate grin on your face? The worst thing that can happen is some handsome guy will smile BACK at you (in response to the smile already on your face) and if you’re truly happy (really, really happy) not only will you not freeze, but a little giggle will slip out of your mouth and my guess is…he’ll ask about it…conversation started…lol

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 3:37pm

  11. 11: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    the cutest synchronistic thing. when i was typing my last post my ex texted me. for me it’s alot about self love and self acceptance like rori teaches. i mean certainly it most definitely is about happiness. shoot that’s even written into our country’s constitution. but if i can accept the mruky soup when it happens. if i can accept me frozeness when it happens. my tears my rage my fears (i curse fear and banish it from my world and being) if i accept and love all parts of myself then i am able to love a man for all he is and is not. as kanye says Everything i’m not made me everything i am. :)

    it was synchronistic (my ex texting) be i was writing about opening up and letting people in and being in a real relationship (with everything i’m not and everything i am) and he is one i keep at a distance bc i feel not good enough for who i am. vice versa too maybe. anyway i felt pleased.and open.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 4:19pm

  12. 12: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! I feel inundated with attention and that feels fabulous! Thanks Daria and AG and Cassandra and Mercedes. :D

    Mercedes, it’s interesting that you asked me that question. Since finding Rori I’ve been on a long and sometimes arduous journey to find what it is that makes me happy that has nothing to do with men. There are a million and one things: dancing, good food, wearing pretty clothes, being spiritual, spending time with family and girlfriends…but really the biggest passion I have right now is my plan for moving to Hawaii. I feel that with or without a man, I can make a perfect life for myself there. (And it’s better to take on such plans without a man, as not every guy can get on board with a plan like that. My ex-husband could NEVER, he’d be miserable with the heat and lack of technology in the area I want to live in.) Every day I make a baby step on that and it seems as though wonderful ideas are falling into my head faster than I can process or write them down. Hence why I post on here bitching about being overwhelmed. ;)~

    So, what would make me happy today? Well, I did just have the best f’n coffee imaginable, and didn’t have to pay for it…my hair looks hella sexy after being blown around in the wind all day–I wish I could bottle that and use it every day, my hair is usually such a trial…and, I’m about to spend the next 30 minutes losing myself in awesome books at this bookstore while I wait for my date to show up. :D Yeah, definitely enough to put a smile on my face in the now time.

    Cassandra, if you and I are together at the bottom of the barrel, then we have each other to help each other to climb out. When you can’t climb I will boost you up and I trust you’ll do the same for me.

    Or we could clean up the bottom of the barrel and plant the most amazing flower garden, with fountains and butterflies and birds and bees. I hear s**t makes great fertilizer after all. Pretty soon it’ll be so gorgeous down here that we’ll have to charge admission. :D

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 4:31pm

  13. 13: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    How Can I do something that makes me happy today?

    Ok I feel angry and triggered because sometimes I don’t know what’s going to make me happy today!

    I feel terrified that If I do what makes me happy today I will Upset my parents and make everything effin worse tomorrow!… I feel so much RAGE coming up out of me now and I FEEL LIKE I AM banging on the wooden wall outside the house and I feel so 50’s loner biker guy like and my boy energy feels so DEfeated and ANGRY that he just wants to HIT STUFF… (maybe like me).

    I feel so nice to read that someone else though thankyou mercedes thinks its a good idea to do stuff that makes you happy today and I Feel so mad at my parents because I Feel like they THINK I don’t deserve that I don’t deserve to do what I want and be happy today because I am not doing productive things, I am not producing and I feel sO ANGRY about this, my shoulder is tensing up and my lips are pouted and my eyes are jsut THROWING fire out I feel sO USED and I Am feeling so EMBARASSED and Rididuculous writing this and so JUDGED by everyone I Feeel so angyr at myself I want to hit myself for being a spoiled child in public and that feels like relief, like releasing, I have a very authoritarian figure inside me that JUDGES the ISH out of me AAAGH I HATE HER AND WANT TO ATTACKE HER RAAARGH… and that feels fun it feels like I also have a little rebellious student young girl figure inside of me that is laughing at the raving teacher… I want to be in control..

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 5:19pm

  14. 14: BethanyNo Gravatar says:

    This all feels so strange. I was listening to Modern Siren for the umpteenth time last night, driving in my Jeep, eating a chicken sandwich from McDonald’s, when I finally felt a little shift in myself. My body responded to the Tools that I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around for months. I could finally feel myself slowing down on “command.” And last night when my boyfriend was over and said something that made me incredibly angry, I went to my bedroom, dropped to my knees, and let the anger take over my entire body. When I came back out, he ACTED DIFFERENTLY. It’s spooky how this stuff works.

    I feel so hopeful for all of us, and really really inspired by Mercedes’ post…I WANT that!!!! I know my degree of difficulty is my missing piece, and I often find myself panicking because I find myself bound up in attachment to this guy, and with nowhere to go…it feels so easy to wallow in that and follow the dark path, as Rori said here…but today, I woke up with more genuine optimism than I’ve felt since I can remember, and I did it MYSELF, without being held up by anyone else. I wanted to concentrate on the good things, and I felt excited about the POSSIBILITIES instead of looking around and despairing at the dungeon I locked myself in. I felt really good at the possibility of having a really great life, and even though I feel guilty about having more than my mom, I feel really really great about the idea–the INTENTION–to have a great relationship with a guy who is exciting and interesting to me and still makes me feel secure and loved…having the EXCITEMENT without the TORTUROUS feelings is alien to me right now, but imagining being able to receive love from a really good, stable guy who wants me and wants to treat me well but doesn’t bore the crap out of me feels like almost too much, like who am I to think that guys like that exist? But I want my special someone, who I am physically and emotionally and intellectually attracted to and who never stops trying to MAKE ME HAPPY!

    Mercedes, it feels so inspiring to hear success stories from you…please keep telling us more! I feel sooooo excited to get out of here and start my life somewhere new, with a new job, and I’m so thankful for Rori’s words of encouragement to not give up and go home for good, because it’s time to leave the nest and step out on my own…

    Reshi, I can’t wait to hear more about your move to Hawaii!!! (If you choose to share, of course.) Hearing about your plans makes me feel brave about my own move…

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 5:22pm

  15. 15: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a feeling talk with my friend.

    Sorta feeling. I Was feeling so triggered. I wanted to talk to her about how mad I felt at somethign she said about me yesterday. She was “standing up for me” but I felt angry becasue I felt like it was “drama” and really on the underneath trying to hurt me. We have had times in the past where we didn’t like each other. I want to start being more open a little bit as I am ready to and let her know I feel mad. I felt angry telling her and I felt WEIRD and I didnt’ feel TOTTALLy acknowledged maybe just acquiesced too and still feel a little uncomfortable because this person I judge her to be very passive agressive. I want to be more true to myself and look at this as the message for me. I feel angry. I communicated my feelings. I feel proud of having done that, even though it didn’t feel that hard. I told her how I felt… I feel angry right now still. I feel scared of having this vulnerability in front of her. I feel no trust for hre. I really don’t. I feel angry.

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 5:34pm

  16. 16: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    mercedes,that post was really inspiring….i want that too….in fact i am going to get a journal and write down all the fun stuff i would like to do this week as well as my passions and go out and do them……….thanks and keep writing…it often helps…
    Bethany u have made so much progress and i feel so happy for you.Iit means that all the tools you have been practicing are beginning to work…feels so much hope for you and with time your degree of difficulty will be so high u will be walking on air….u go gal!
    cassandra,i can so relate to those bad feelings…i have been having them all my life…the feeling that i dont deserve to be happy and success is too much to handle…
    Rori’s post is brilliant and i choose today to live for love…no matter what…and to have faith that i can face anything and still be happy…and as mercedes said i choose to have faith in my success and to take full control of my hapiness.i feel energetic already i feel blessed by all you beautiful goddess women and i feel so happy just believing that today is going to be a good day and i am going to share love and receive love…
    i Wish u all a happy valentines full of love from me…lots of hugs….xoxo…

    Friday, 13 February 2009 @ 9:07pm

  17. 17: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Bethany, it might be a year or two before I actually get out there…but sure, I’ll keep you posted with any new developments. :D

    Saturday, 14 February 2009 @ 12:57pm

  18. 18: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – I’m so moved by your news and the fullness of your post. I’m sending love and thanks to you. I love cats and lost one favourite, too, at an early age, due to an illness – I felt the full force of bereavement. We are amazing to feel so much love, and sadness, and anger, and inspiration (which is also love). XXXX

    Monday, 16 February 2009 @ 6:14am

  19. 19: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    I am so sorry that I am just now getting to read and respond to so many things and forgive me if I seem a bit out of it. I had a root canal today and the pain medicine is wonderful but making me see 4 or 5 of everything but boy do I feel relaxed! LOL

    Reshi….your post to me made me cry. Of course I would help you crawl out of that barrel! I loved what you wrote though about making it so beatiful…that truly touched my heart in so many ways. I have missed you Reshi. You know….I have such admiration for you and the strength that you have. You have come so far…it is awesome. I am so excited about your move to Hawaii. I LOVE it there and it takes amazing strength and courage to pack up amd move somewhere new where you know no one and start over. I send you MAJOR kudos for that. So often I get angry with myself for being here in thsi situation but then I think of how often people tell me how courageous it was. I suppose I only see that for other people because I look at my situation and think ‘what the hell have I done?!’ HA Even though I am in a mess…it did take courage to come here.HA take that you stinkin NV! Sorry that doggone NV tried to steal my joy….my good thoughts again. You will do great no matter where you go. YOu are a GODDESS and no one can take that from you. You have so many amazing talents that you have yet to even realize…I really feel like tghe world is YOUR oyster.

    Mercedes…..your post also made me cry or should I say…kept me crying?! :-) I loved what you wrote to all of us. Thank you so much. I can feel a shift in my own thinking that really made me connect with your post. I used to feel like you did about your man but now when he does or says things that just don’t make me feel good I find myself thinking…..do I REALLY want to deal with this for the rest of my life?! I NEVER used to think that and part of it I think was that I had put so much…..everything really – by giving up my entire life to come here to marry him – that I wanted to give it all that I had to make it work so that I would not feel that I had failed….yet again but I am realizing now that I am the one that did NOT fail…I am the one that stepped out on faith with my heart in the right place…I AM the one that did everything possible to make this work and HE is the one that lied, decieved, betrayed, misrespresented, etc. I am the one that can KNOW in my heart that I gave it my all…literally. That feels good. I am FINALLY starting to think about ME and what feels good to ME.

    This past weekend something happened that I fetl kind of hit me over the head with a 2×4. We were in Charles’ hometown for his Grandmother’s 100th birthday party and he was showing me all of the places where he grew up,played, went to school etc and I was having a wonderful time. I told him how much taht all meant to me and how connected it made me feel to him. I was feeling good about things. After the party we were helping his Mom with a few things at her church. This place is WAYYYY out in the country and by this time it was about 9:00pm-ish. Charles’ sister-in-law and I were coming out of the church and he and his brother were standing right next to our vehicle laughing a joking. Charles looked right at both of us and said to us as he took his pocket knife out of his pocket…”You know I could cut both of you up into little pieces and bury you both here and NO ONE would ever find you.” Now keep in mind that he was laughing as he said all of this. I didn’t really say anything to anyone right then as he says stuff like that to me all the time – joking of course…or so he says but his siter-in-law flipped out. She is a christian counselor and she told him that because of what he said she could have him institutionalized right then and there….that she could legally call the police and have him committed. I still said nothing BUT it was at this moment that I thought to myself….”What the hell have I been thinking?!!!” I said nothing all the way home which is about an hour and a half and I simply went to bed. Ever since that moment I have felt so badly that I have been trying so hard to make this work with someone who truly does have some VERY serious issues to deal with and is perhaps ill. I don’t know about that but I do know that this does not make ME feel good. Rori said something in Reconnect that has been playing over and over in my mind and Mercedes you sort of touched in it in a round about way in your post…..she said that in order to know if a man is a GOOD man…..pay attention to whether or not YOU feel good ABOUT YOU in his presence. I do NOT feel good about me around Charles at all and I never have. Had I learned this as a teenager I could have saved myself so much pain and emotional hurt. I am doing everything that I can to get out of here as fast as I can and I am trying so hard to pay attention to WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?!!! THIS FEELS GREAT! I KNOW that I was put here to LOVE and BE LOVED and by GOD that is what I am going to do and if someone does not make me feel good about me even with all of my quirks and ways then they don’t belong in my life……period.

    You all are such a blessing to me and I am so thankful for every single one of you. I love each and every one of you amazing amazing amazing women. I send you all one of Daria’s beautiful flower hugs.
    XOXOXO
    Cassandra

    Tuesday, 17 February 2009 @ 7:57pm

  20. 20: FlipperNo Gravatar says:

    Cheez, Cassandra – get out of there TODAY. Sure, the sis-in-law could tell ‘em where to look if something happened to you but that would be too late! It sounds just TOO risky if C ever gets wind of your plans for you to take any more time. If you haven’t figured anything else out yet, get on the phone with Kevin and tell him you’re ready – Now! Just go along with whatever he says until you’re gone. You could say that no matter what happens, you’ll be doing and being your absolute best and he’ll be the first to benefit, no matter what develops (which is true). Then suggest you just drop all the relationship talk for now and work on logistics. But if you have to say “yes yes anything you say”, do it (saying it that way could just make him realize how ridiculous his demands are at this moment).

    As for where C came from with that remark, my 2-penny psychology feeling is that he might have felt bad or jealous of you feeling connected to his innocent, young inner self, whereas he no longer does. Anyhoo, that’s NOT your problem, but it may mean he cannot feel his inner boundaries and brakes either, and that IS potentially your problem.

    Take care, lovely Cassandra, take care and be quick! Love you.

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 8:00am

  21. 21: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra: My heart really goes out to you. Yes…it’s so important to feel good about yourself with a man. It’s hard enough for us ladies not to put too much pressure on ourselves and try to be amazing and perfect and wonderful mothers, wives, professionals, etc. If our man is adding to those nasty voices in our heads, we have little hope of overcoming. As confident as I can be, I still need words of love and encouragement from my man. I need that reinforcement. And when he tells me how amazed he is when I talk to him about my day at work and when he tells me he would love to see me in action at work because he’s so impressed about the way I handle myself, well…it keeps me going at work. It gives me even more confidence in that role and part of that is because I trust his opinion. I’ll tell him how I handled a certain situation and he’ll tell me what he would have done or if he’s impressed by what I’ve done, etc but…he’s always telling me how wonderful I am and encouraging me along the way. Without that…I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to be the person I am now. So…I’d walk away. I know that I need someone to love me and to accept the love I have to give. I know I need encouragement and compliments, etc. If J wasn’t able to offer me those things…I’d find someone who could. I love this man very, very much, but he has to be able to give me what I need and I have to be able to tell him (with feeling messages and without attacking him) what those needs are. At that point…if he’s the right man for me…he’ll do it.

    Anyway…what I’m trying to say is “RUN LIKE THE F’N WIND”. You deserve someone who would NEVER joke like that…NEVER…EVER…EVER. Go find him! :)

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 8:06am

  22. 22: SamatNo Gravatar says:

    What does feeling good in the presence of a guy look like. Does it mean that you dont feel inadequate or you doint like some of your qualities like being disorganized and then you feel lame about it. Or not keeping up with your schedule or work or generally feeling stupid. Does that mean a guy is bad?

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 8:06am

  23. 23: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Samat: Be careful not to put all the pressure on a man to make you feel good…it’s not his responsibility to make you feel good…that’s yours. If you feel the things you feel because your man is telling you those things about yourself…then yes…that’s bad. But if you feel that way because of your own nasty voices telling you that’s how you should feel, then it’s not fair to make a man responsible for changing the way you feel about yourself.

    Feeling good in the presence of a man simply means that you’ve figured out how to love EVERYTHING about yourself and you’ve found a man who loves all your quirks too.

    I’ll give you an example from my own life. I am a VERY career oriented woman. My job comes before doing the dishes and mopping the kitchen floor…ALWAYS. Housework is not my talent. I don’t care. I don’t live like a pig, but…I don’t do a weekly spring cleaning either. My man knows this about me. He knows I mentally exhaust myself at work every day being the best I can be and every day after work I physically exhaust myself at the gym so I can stay strong and fit and when I come home…I want to curl up in his arms and watch a movie. He knows I’m like this, so he doesn’t complain. Now…we’re lucky in the sense that he can afford a maid (it’s his house…I stay there all the time but have yet to find it in me to give up my apartment and live with him “officially”). He pays someone to clean and doesn’t complain that I really should be cleaning since he pays the bills and buys all the dinners and drinks, etc. He never complains. He knows what I’m like and accepts and loves me that way. If he complained about my lack of cleaning skills, I would feel bad about that and I would put additional pressure on myself to do better…and I would fail (Just ask my ex-husband…). But I can feel good about ALL of me because he loves the imperfect things about me…and I do too. That’s what feeling good in the presence of a man is like.

    True love is not finding a perfect person. It’s finding an imperfect person and growing to see them perfectly.

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 8:21am

  24. 24: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Flipper….thanks for your input and concern. I have missed you. As far as C and his remark….I am not afraid of what he said the other night as he says stupid stuff like that to me all the time. I have no clue if he was indeed feeling jealous of his ‘inner self’ getting so close to me and you know….I honestly can say that I don’t care anymore. Yes….that’s right. I said it and I feel it. I am so tired of him sucking all of the energy…the life and most of all the LIGHT out of me! I see him so differently now and this has been building for quite some time. it actually feels good to KNOW that I am in a different place. There are still times when I do feel that love for him but they are becoming less and less and they don’t stick around as long as they used to anymore. He is an emotional parasite. Perhaps I should be more afraid than I am of his comments but for some reason – I guess it has been going on for so long – I am not. He is trying to work as much as he can and is gone alot but on the other hand has been having a more difficult time finding work/ freight to carry. When he is home I try to get OUT of the house and do what makes ME happy and feel good and it amazes me that when it is time to go home those good feelings disappear. I am REALLY paying attention now to how I feel about ME when I am around him and it is so hard to feel good when you are CONSTANTLY torn down. I do NOT want this for the rest of my life that is for sure. I am making arrangements to go up and see K most likely early next week. I am focusing on logistics and really nothing else right now just like you said. It will hurt to leave here but I now realize that it is and maybe never was the REAL C I was in love with but instead…the image that he portrayed but of course was not real. I want REAL. Thank you again for your support and input….I value it more than you know.

    Mercedes….Thank you also for your post. I have to tell you that I am so happy that you have such a wonderful man that builds you up and supports you in your dreams and endeavors!!! I celebrate that for you!! You are so right when you said that it is enough for us to deal with our own NV’s but then you add in a man that tears you down as well and you are indeed fighting an uphill battle and will be lucky to overcome that. I am so glad that I FINALLY see that!! It may have taken me half of my life to get it but hey….at least I got it now!! I agree that he never ever should have said something like that even in jest but that is truly who he is. That is something I can no longer live with. Thank you also for your support and input. I value it as well and again am SO HAPPY that you have a wonderful, loving , supportive man who really does step up for you!!!

    Samat…I am so sorry that what I said was confusing. What I meant was that it is certainly our responsibility to make ourselves happy but if the man that you are with does not support YOU making yourself happy and he tears you down or says that you are selfish for taking care of YOU and making yourself happy it is then that you ahve to look at the situation and decide if he is worthy of your attention, time and love. He should build you up and support you in making you happy and if he doesn’t….if he makes you feel bad about anything at all about yourself then just like Mercedes said…..RUN LIKE THE WIND!!

    Sending you all huge hugs and so much love!
    XOXOX
    Cassandra

    Wednesday, 18 February 2009 @ 4:18pm

  25. 25: SamatNo Gravatar says:

    Lol thanks Cassandra the last line about running like the wind is hilarious :)

    Also Mercedes thank you for giving me a real example. It helped out a lot.

    Thursday, 19 February 2009 @ 4:26am

  26. 26: RobinNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    I know this is a late comment, but I am sorry for you loss of Maggie-I will certainly keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers

    I feel bittersweet reading this-it feels sad to say goodbye, b/c you have to let go of what you had envisioned, and you have to let go of trying to control a situation that you ultimately do not have complete control over-we can only control what we do, not anyone else, and we don’t have control over certain circumstances…

    But I LOVE how we can choose to be happy in the moment-to be present, and engaged in whats happening RIGHT NOW, to not be in the past or the future, but in the present, It feels like hope, I just feel bittersweet reading this….

    Im feeling sadness concerning my ‘ex’, how he wants to be ‘friends’, how he said he had been thinking of a relationship with me, but he thought we would break each others’ hearts, how it slowly moved toward a fwb situation, how I stopped the fwb cycle( it was turning into that…), how I have to watch him date other women (he brings them to church, where we work), all the good and bad feelings, how much stronger I am, how I can stand up to him about ANYTHING now, how he’s losing me….it feels scary and sad, and yet it also feels empowering and relaxing.

    Wednesday, 13 May 2009 @ 8:26am

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