Okay so here is where I am at, not sure how to post about this, but what I am looking for someone out there to relate and if you are been there and have moved your Goddess to the #1 space I would appreciate your advice. So here it is.. ME
Who is running my LIFE in order?: The addict, the monster, the little girl and the goddess..AND I wonder why I am NOT happy.. hmmm
If you met me, you would never know, I may look like a normal girl but I am an addict.. not for pleasure but to temporarily relieve the pain and emptiness in my soul.
My addict looks and acts just like a homeless dog, she has no home, she just runs from person to person, try to get some attention, some love, some food, she just wants to belong, but no one wants her because she is desperate and needy.
Sure sometimes people feed it, but usually it’s the people that want something from her. My addict only knows how to be used, so I draw in and attract to people who can do what they wish with me and could careless, better known as takers.
The addict settles for this because it knows every once in awhile it may get pet or fed, but disappointment and loneliness sets in when it realizes the food and attention given wasn’t out of love but out of a need the taker has to get or out of simple convenience.
Oh sure, my addict self can hold out for a long time before it needs a fix, I am use to digesting my food slowly not knowing where my next fill is going to come from. I am use to fending for attention patiently knowing that it will have to come sooner or later, so I wait.
While I am waiting I wonder what’s so wrong with me, I don’t understand why I am so hard to love and want, I try and I try to get just a little fill, I shout from the inside: “Just look at me and smile” and “Just touch me in a loving way” and sometimes my efforts work but most of the time I feel empty much longer than I feel full, yet I still hope that the next person will be different, that they will see that I am lovable and loyal, that I would make a great pet.
Ironically I pick the same owners with different names, Yup that’s right, that’s what they are, my owners. I have given complete power of myself to them, If they beat me, I wonder what I did wrong or analyze how I can be different so they won’t get mad or reject me.
It’s sad you see and that’s why I reject her as well, all of us do. So she never gets love…ever.. but she doesn’t give up.
I see now that all she really wants is to give me love, acceptance and attention, she wants me to belong, she wants me to have family.
She is not to blame, she just doesn’t know how else to get it for me, the fact that she has never given up on me shows you her heart – its time I loved her enough to show her she’s not alone and nothing is wrong with her.
This bitch is no one’s friend, she doesn’t have any and believe me she doesn’t want any.
The Monster looks like something from the exorcist, she has cuts and wounds all over her and she likes them because they keep people away, she walks hunched over, she acts as if she has no fear of anyone or anything, in fact she is the one to fear.
When she looks at you her glare is so intense that it could cut glass. The monster is hard to even look at, she makes you feel uncomfortable just being in her presence, everything about her is ugly.
She likes to be left alone, she doesn’t want visitors, EVER!
She knows how to hate, in fact she hates everyone that makes her feel anything.
Her main goal in life is to be left ALONE and she will do everything in her power to make you go away.
She likes to hurt, she has an eye for an eye mentality and can’t wait to make someone pay if she’s pushed, that’s how she gets her fill, she wants to give people what they deserve, she is the ultimate judger with no conscience, she believes people get what they deserve and compassion is a joke to her, just leave her alone and she won’t mess with you, that’s her mentality. BACK OFF or else!
This girl is the one who has taken all my abuse, she knows what darkness is and she remembers every act of abuse against her.
She knows what people can be made of, because she has experienced it all too well first hand. I don’t let her out at all, I am scared of her and what she will do, she wants her own twisted version of justice so I feel as if I have to keep her locked up.
Since she is so powerful she comes out passive aggressively by controlling and pushes people away. She is how I learned to put up walls all around me so I can protect myself from others.
THE LITTLE GIRL
She is precious free and mischievous, she doesn’t understand why anyone would want anything bad to happen in this world and she doesn’t spend her time thinking about it.
She loves jumping on beds and exploring, she loves to hang out with other kids, she feels safe around them.
She doesn’t care much for adults, they are too serious and have too many rules for her taste.
Nothing is that big of a deal to her, she just wants to run around and have fun, she has long blonde hair and an innocent smile, she looks like she is always dancing, even when she’s standing still which you won’t find her doing too often.
She doesn’t understand the monster and the addict, why does life have to be so heavy, she never wants to grow up, she wants to stay free forever.
This girl is very special to me, she knows loves, she knows joy and she knows freedom. The rules of society and the responsibilities of like don’t allow her out much and she wishes she could run free more than I let her, I love her but don’t trust her because she is very naïve, she doesn’t understand life but she loves to live it.
She can easily be taken advantage of and I want to protect her, I don’t want to taint her perspective on life, I want her to see it as beautiful always.
She is incredible, everything attracts to her yet she is attached to nothing, not because she is not open but because she allows all things to flow in and out of her freely.
It’s not just how she looks that draws her to you, it’s everything, she is immersed in the beauty and things that feel good.
She doesn’t need to judge things that don’t meet her needs or obtain anything, she simple gravitates towards what feels good, which automatically pulls her away from what feels bad.
On the rare occasion that I can tap into this presence I feel light, I feel intense, I feel convicted, I feel passion.
Passion for life, Passion for love, passion for complete abandon of myself to the feeling of joy and freedom.
This girl is so hard to reach for me because as you can see she has so much standing in the way, this is who I want to rule me, this is who I put in charge.