I thought this was a fascinating article:
There’s so much I have to say about it – mostly it’s about:
There’s a level at which we women accept things – things we might not have ever thought we could accept, but things we kind of go along with, feel okay about, weigh the trade-offs of, make temporary decisions about, let time pass and hope weirdness will go away around, make excuses about, justify, reassure ourselves about, act cool around – until we aren’t okay with them anymore.
Sometimes the line is so small – no one else understands what was the “straw” that broke things for you.
Sometimes we don’t even know ourselves when the moment was when it was “okay,” and when the moment was when it was “not okay.”
It all turns into a blur, but a bad-feeling blur.
I don’t know what happened here for Demi – and I don’t believe (though I can’t know) that Ashton would have divorced her.
I don’t think there was any reason he’d want to leave her – I think he had everything he wanted, his cake and eating it, too – and is likely very offended that all of a sudden things aren’t “okay.”
When a man veers from “This is okay and acceptable in my relationship” to being a jerk who hurts a woman…sometimes it’s a very small thing, for him.
When you’re a celebrity – I don’t know how they do it.
There are no secrets you can keep.
No bargains or allowances you can make that people won’t eventually find out about.
No compromises that don’t come back to haunt you.
Everyone knows what it feels like to be humiliated – and we’ve seen many well-known women go through it majorly publicly – and I think, all of a sudden, we women have made some kind of a pact with each other.
We’ve kind of decided now, as a group, famous or not, that betrayal is not the straw that breaks the relationship. It’s not even about the sheer “jerkiness” of it. It’s the spirit of the betrayal, and it’s the fallout. Once everyone knows, it’s just not possible to carry on.
We’ve decided that we can no longer be the “good wife.” I think that’s done, now.
Even if we love a man and want to carry on and patch it up – and he’s not trying to get out of the relationship or marriage – we just can’t do it anymore.
As the author of the article, Tracy Quan says, the key is when a woman feels “undermined.”
And that kind of says it for me.
The whole point, for me, of a romantic partnership is to assist each other to grow as a person.
And if what a man does affects a woman in a way that makes her have to choose whether she’s better off growing as a person by leaving him or by staying with him – and it seems that, no matter what else there is good and wonderful in the relationship, leaving him is the path to growth…then that’s the right road.
We could say, then, that staying with Bill Clinton was the path of growth for Hillary Clinton. That, despite everything, the humiliation of his betrayal, all of it – he still was committed to her personal growth in a way no one else was. That’s how she say it, and so she stayed – and I don’t think anyone would argue with her results.
Does this mean that we should stay with a man of power because it seems like the road to growth?
I’m not saying financial growth – I’m saying personal growth. Growth as a person.
We can ALL see that Demi can surely meet many, many men who would support her personal growth, and that starting fresh is the way to go here.
So – the take away from this is – even though we’re not celebrities, with all kinds of obvious options – when a man who isn’t even betraying us is NOT supporting our personal growth – is that the time to leave?
Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes the line is really, really blurry.
And I think now, that so many women are leaving so many men they might have stayed with before, is a great time to feel our own priorities and pressing needs.
Now’s the time to say what we want, practice warmth and love instead of fear and suspicion – and trust ourselves to leave when we’re endangering our well being.