Comments on: Embrace Your Change

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:40:06 +0000

Thanks Guys! I am really trying to balance things a little more and give myself some time away from the job search. You guys are wonderful!

Love and hugs…
Cassandra

By: Caj13

Caj13 — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:29:30 +0000

Hi Cassandra,
I hope that nap did you good. You’re right about the health of your body telling you things, so taking care of your physical needs is really important. What if you didn’t get a job because you looked so frazzled after skipping a needed nap? It’s not wasted time, but time well invested. Alias girl has good suggestions, too, about limiting those specific job-hunting actions. So many jobs are actually found through connections – ordinary networking, not just knowing people in high places. So once you’re feeling better (tho I think this might help you feel better), set aside time everyday to do the date-yourself thing by looking for non-employment occupations that you enjoy doing and where you could meet other people – men and especially women, to find a real-live friend close to hand. I feel your isolation – moving is such a hard thing even in the best of circumstances, much less to a place you know no one. Another idea: even tho’ you’re not ready to move out yet, how about starting to look at some places and check out neighborhoods, especially as you aren’t familiar with this city. This will get you projecting into the future, but with concrete details to latch onto. Maybe an area you especially like will get good vibes going that will bring you more luck around there.

By: alias girl

alias girl — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 01:26:23 +0000

you’re doing awesome cassandra. maybe in regards to your job search just set a limit. ie. i will spend x amount of time on the computer in search of jobs and then i will send x amt of faxes and thne that’s it. i will rest and lead a balanced life. otherwise your are what’s the phrase diminshing returns or something. maybe and hour on the computer and five resumes sent per day. and then thats it. or whatever is reasonable to you. i know you want immediate result s but things take whatever time they take. in the meantime take care of yourself.

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:48:42 +0000

I just read through all of my posts on this topic of change and got so angry! All of the pain and hurt and anger that he has caused came rushing back into me and it feels like I am drowning…..Like I am in a car that is going under water and you can’t get out….it feel scary and dark and so cold….physically right now I am freezing….my hands and feet are like ice right now and I am covered in goosebumps……my head still feels so heavy but I think that is because I am still not feeling well…..I have been under the weather now since Thursday and it just occurred to me that perhaps this is all connected? Maybe my body is mirroring what my soul…my heart is feeling? ……It feels good to me that my body is that in touch with my heart and my feelings….it feels good to know that perhaps even though I feel horrible that my body is somehow trying to protect me too?…is that possible? why wouldn’t it be…..If I really think about it it is kind of cool that everything is connected that way…..I am totally exhasuted…..I got myself together this morning to go and do my ‘normal routine’ and I just feel so tired that I can hardly move…I can’t seem to get enough sleep lately…maybe my body is telling me that I justneed to STOP and take care of me but I FEEL guilty not doing anything….I feel if I am not on the computer every day or out looking for jobs in person that I am not doing good enough with that…..I feel that I am letting myself down if I don’t look for jobs all day every day because that I feel is my ticket to strength right now…..If I take a nap then I being lazy in taking that time off but I am so tired that I can’t seem to get enough sleep…I am still having trouble breathing…my lungs feel so tight and closed as though I am trying to breath to a teeny tiny straw and can’t get enough air…..my eyes hurt because of the pressure behind them and even my teeth hurt…the top ones hurt when I clench my teeth…..I want to relaz and take care of me but I feel guilty if that means time away from looking for jobs or getting our home back on track..I have done nothing with the house since Wed. of last week as I have felt horrible physically so now I have to get the house back to near perfect…..cleaning makes me feel good it makes me feel productive but I don’t even have the energy to make my bed….Ifeel weak and my whole body is shaking even Charles has commented on that a fewtimes when he was home with me..that I am skaking pretty badly and he asked if I am ok….he has been taking wonderful care of me since I have been under the weather but It also makes me mad…..why now? My earlier posts made me so angry that he has hurt me like this and stolen my whole life! I hate him and I want to hate him right now…it feels good to hate him right now…..it feels strong to me right now…it feels like I can distance him to some degree right now….I don’t want to want him….I want ME back…I want to be that woman that I was before I came here…I want her back as I was closer then to really loving myself then I am now even doing all of Rori’s steps..I feel like a failure….like i have given ME to him on a silver platter to hurt and mame and abuse however he wanted to and it hurt me thatI have done that to me…that I have put myself here in trusting him…that I trusted him even though I tried so hard to look at his actions not just his words…..at least I care about me though that is a good thing. I am going to take a nap right now and when I wake up I hope that I will feel lighter and better in every way. I want to tuck myself in like I would a little girl that I love so dearly and let her sleep and rest…..that feels good to me and I am even going to HUG MYSELF before I lay down.

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:26:39 +0000

You are soooo right Caj13! The problem is that all of the good things that he does and how he has been wonderful lately here at home DOES get to my heart and then I start to wonder stupid things like…..’well….did he go on that ‘affair’ site just out of curiosity?…..would he REALLY hook up with someone else?……..could things REALLY be ok with us again and could I ever trust him?……maybe if I keep on the path that I am on for ME..we can be ok and he will change…..’ these are the kinds of things that go through my head when he is home and since things have been so damn great. I have to remind myself of the horrible things that he has done…over and over. I know in my head that he is NOT going to change. I hate that I think these things…..I hate that these feelings even ever enter my head! He has even still been telling me over these last few weeks that we ARE going to get married and that maybe when I do get a job and it comes time for me to move that he may have a change of heart and just have us go to the justice of the peace right then so tghat I don’t have to move. HOW INSANE IS THAT?! The thing is is that even if that did happen – I would not marry him right now anyway. Too much has to change before that would happen but I DO want those changes to happen and for us to get married once the changes have happened…here is the thing though……HE is not going to change. He is who he is….period. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I don’t want to want him….i don’t want to love him…I don’t want to enjoy his company these last few weeks since he has been so great. I don’t want to want these things anymore but I do and I don’t know how to NOT want them anymore. I feel like I am not moving forward in the Self Esteem process like everyone else and I feel so stuck. I am still workiing through all of the steps but somehow it is not sinking into my head. I feel great about myself when I am doing the steps but as soon as he comes home and things are great as they have been I am back to wanting HIM and our life together again. it is almost like it goes in one ear and out the other with me. I am so frustrated right now.

By: Caj13

Caj13 — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:43:16 +0000

Cassandra,
And protect yourself you must. It SEEMS as if you’re completely at his mercy (no job, he wants you to leave when you have nowhere to go etc;), and I understand how you don’t want to rock the boat. And the opposing signals – it’s as if, knowing you were hungry, he offered you a delicious dish and then spilled it on the ground, so you had to either grovel or starve. But you don’t have to do either.

Nobody knows what his agenda is, and probably his words wouldn’t help you understand anyway. But you know that it is unacceptable to you. Maybe if you remember the principle ‘don’t take it personally’. Refuse to accept that what he does concerns you personally, because you are not available for being on the receiving end of his hurtful behavior. And altho’ you allow yourself to accept the good stuff, you just take it as proof that even some toxic personalities can be inspired to show caring in the presence of vulnerability, because all the niceness has been sullied by his ambiguous, underhanded ways.

I hope you’ve been out getting positive feedback from your to do list – singing would be such an upper! (Can’t sing myself, but am thinking of taking lessons to help get my feeling voice back. I get such a thrill from watching people make music together, their special interaction.) Do you know about meetup and meetin – they’re not dating sites, but for people to hook up about all sorts of things, in cities and towns all around the globe.

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:21:13 +0000

Thank you Caj13 for your insight…..you ad some great ideas. It’s interesting in thatlately – I guess for the last 3 weeks or so – things are great. he is loving, attentive, caring, playful and it is like it was before I moved here. I don’t know what to think. It is hard for me to enjoy him like this because of all of the underlying stuff…..like me having to move…..like him getting on that horrible website – which by the way he has not been on since my last post about it. That in itself has me confused. I really don’t get it. I feel that until I can move, I want things to be as calm and peaceful and loving as they can be so I have not moved into the other room or put him on the couch BUT I am not intimate with him anymore. I don’t feel that I can be and be safe either physically or emotionally. That totally sucks but I can’t allow myself to go there becasue for me that involves my heart. I have been really under the weather these last few days and he has taken wonderful care of me which again is wonderful but has me realy confused. It makes me want things to work out with us again and then I have to literally remind myself of all of the horrible things that he has done to me. It seems taht when he is home lately things are great but when he goes back out on the road he does all of these horrible things like the website. He has been home with me for the last few days but left this morning so I guess we will have to see what he does while he is out on this run. I hate to say this but I am totally expecting him to be back on that ‘affair’ site. I hate that I am expwecting that but perhaps I am protecting myself.

Thanks again for your insight Caj13.

By: Rori Raye

Rori Raye — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:04:22 +0000

Kristina-Liban – Thank you so much for your letter. I am so aware that we women have intense struggles still all over the world, and in today’s economy things are even more challenging, and that culturally, your relationship reality is very, very different from ours here.

And here’s my take: I believe in the power of women. I believe, and it’s actually all laid out in the early Greek play Lysistrata, where women effectively stop war, that as we women group together, band together, and apply the power we actually do have, everything will change.

In the United States, and all over Europe, women have been property, just as still exists in so many places around the world. Women have been at the receiving end of all kinds of violence and restriction.

We overcame this in substantial ways in Europe and America, and in many countries around the world. And, if we are all to survive on this planet – you will overcome this wherever you live. I encourage us all to get involved in women’s global initiatives for peace – there are many staggering examples of what women have accomplished in creating peace and harmony in small pockets of the world, and I see a growing movement out there now, building on those small examples.

Now – for YOUR life, in your current circumstances. Because you are, in many ways, forced to rely on a man for many things – what you want to look for in a man, number one, is kindness. And number two, his ability to provide, if that’s what you need and cannot, in your present society, do it yourself. After that, my Tools work in all situations, because they’re about developing BOTH your Masculine and Feminine energies and using them to SERVE YOU. Love, Rori

By: Caj13

Caj13 — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:28:47 +0000

To all of you who have a wall : Maybe this wall is really keeping the bad things away from you. What about turning around, putting your back to it? Once it’s no longer blocking your vision, you can look out on the vast and beautiful world and just go anywhere and everywhere you want. (If it’s encircling you, duck under it.)

Cassandra – maybe a holding position for you would be to create a space for you in that place you’re living (seems impossible to call it a home) until you get out. Best would be a separate bedroom. And if there’s only one, you keep it for yourself and he sleeps on the couch (just do it, no asking, negotiating etc). There’s no sense trying to be ‘fair’ (he’s paying so he gets the best etc) – this guy’s all about himself, masculine mind-set, and that will only acquiesce to strength (you need it, you take it).

Easier said than done, but try to avoid explaining. Maybe it’s okay to mention YOUR needs (for personal space, time out, to get organized…) but not anything you need or want from him. Look back over the ways of saying your feelings – murky, uneasy, foreboding whatever – but also remember that you can just walk out of the room.

By: Kristina-Liban

Kristina-Liban — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:32:04 +0000

I Love you for every word you send me Rori. & Thanks So much for all the work & “changes” you’ve done”without U Noticing it” in every woman in this world who “gets to you”..
I am a simple True Lebanese Woman Who simply Adores Mr Obama _&Not only for his Charms & Beautiful Sight - But Also For hopefully :”The Changes” you were talking about.
Since now, in the US, you are “Living” One of the things we’ve been through (in this Xtian Beautiful Little Country of ours (Lebanon) :.. Your Economic Crisis (sorry but (coming from your hands ) & Not Via the Wars .. i sincerely hope that one of you & your esteemed readers & commentors would “Get it “.. : it IS so (damn) Frustrating & Downlifting to any Kind of Woman in this World to be “Able” to keep up with her Living & her Lifestyle without ever noticing the value &/or the NEED to be surrounded by her man,or perhaps even Protected (for all the reasons you might see or not) by Her MAn.
So, Being Totally independant & Not needy (as u state constantly Over & over in your newsletters (which by the way are the only treasures i so Preciously keep, read & try to comment upon ) but with the slowliness of the wiring here, its been impossible,until now ! & Am So Glad Happy & Ecstatic (i dont know if i spelled That right ) But i truly & sincerely would Love you to reply to my honest yet sincere Letter which includes :
1* taking into consideration that all women (coming from an Arab/ Traditional Place &+ Highly Educated …) Does RELY on every Man since Childhood (Her father, then Brother.. then yes Boyfreind (since we are Xtian & )
2* Even if i were Not Living in a Middle Eastern Area, i As a FEMALE”would Love to “Count” on the MAn who wants to be near me.. oof course!.. & Y NOT !?..
3* whiever country you live in : Women are rarely “Remunerated” (even with PHD or MAster Degrees AS MEN.. EVerywhere Around THE GLOBE !!!

So what is it with you : Being “Fulfilled” “CONTENT” & un-nEEDY” We Can Lay on our Men’s Shoulders without even :Working”. & So Why NOT!>. why do we have to :
1- Be Complete, WHOLE, & fulfilled &
2- HOW COME & Y DO WE NEED MEN IN OUR LIFE,then?
3- WHy Not Commit ourselves via “pro-Bono, Cultural enviromental &/or Health & BE FULFILLED Like This ! Rather than “LOSING OUR FEMINITY TRYING TO “KEEP UP with MEn..?.. (wow, i Work, Get Stress, come back hysteric or even worse !:… PMSing!) & Say “Bouhou, i cant find a Man in my Life” or.: “Noone wants to be with me!” (Coz YES…NoBody Wants a “competitor” with him..i guess.. ) .. anyway, this is how i feel . So My Question To You Dear Roi… :
TEACH US PLEASE :”HOW TO LEAN ON OUR MEN” IF WE COME from a solid traditional background as i am .
Many Thanks.
chanty/Kristina
From Beirut-Lebanon (one of your most faithful readers)