Help From The Good Wife

 The Good Wife is one of my favorite shows ever, with one of my favorite actresses ever – Julianna Margulies playing Alicia Florrick – one of my all-time favorite characters.

At the very end of this season’s finale, there’s a cell phone conversation between Alicia and the man she’s actually in love with – Will, just as she’s standing in the wings of a major press conference ready to appear with her husband, who has betrayed and humiliated her, but repented and trying to become a better man.

It’s not that Alicia has not forgiven her husband for his infidelities and lying in the past…she simply has fallen out of love with him. She’s just not in a place where she feels it anymore.

This is what I’m always talking about – when a man treats you badly – you can choose to reconnect with him or not. You can, depending upon your circumstances react emotionally or logically. But bottom line – if a man treats you badly – you look at him differently.

If you’re a woman who thinks badly of herself – you’ll love him more for hurting you. If you think highly of yourself, you’ll think less of him for treating you badly – or even just marginally.

In other words – he doesn’t have to HURT you to make you think less of him – all he has to do is mildly neglect you, or just not step up and want to fulfill your basic womanly emotional and physical and survival instinct needs.

That’s why I love Alicia. She isn’t consumed with trying to blame him or with anger about what happened and what he did – she’s concerned with creating as good a life for herself and her children as she can. Sometimes that means being around him and caring about him because he’s the father of her children and because she has such a powerful history with him. And sometimes it means just not caring at all, and allowing herself to care about another man.

It isn’t about revenge. She just wants to let a man love her. It’s “may the best man win” – and the new man (actually an old flame) – is simply shaping up to be the far better man.

While her husband is working to “shape up” – Will already is a terrific man – in ALL respects. He’s honorable, smart, honest. And there’s no guessing where his heart is.

So – though she’s pulled in different directions…she’s always looking for the path that’s best for her and her children. Here’s how she handled this converstaion:

Will: I just want to make myself clear (he’s wanting to tell Alicia that he loves her and wants a real relationship with her…)

Alicia: No..

Will: I just need to say it straight out…when I look at you…

Alicia: No. Show me the plan.

Will: What?

Alicia: The Plan… I get the romance… I need a plan.

Will: Not everything needs a plan.

Alicia: Everything that matters does. I have 2 kids that mean the world to me, I have the press…waiting for a whiff of scandal…and I have a husband…So…If you want to cut through all that noise, then show me a plan.  Poetry is easy. It’s the parent-teacher conferences that are hard. I have to go now.

Here she hangs up, goes back to the wings, and is just about to be called onstage to stand with her husband, who is now running for public office again…

Will stands, staring out the window.

Then, back to Alicia – when her phone rings. 

It’s Will – she can see his name on the phone – and he’s calling back presumably with a plan.

What will she do?

Fade to black – we’ll find out next season…

So – How can this help us?

When a man keeps saying how much he likes you, or loves you, but isn’t ready for a commitment…follow Alicia’s instincts. You GET the romance…but you need a plan.

That’s why Circular Dating is so crucial. Until he comes up with a plan – there’s nothing to go on. There’s really nothing to say.

Alicia is a marvelous character who – instead of trying to bend other people to her will, instead of walking up to her husband or to Will and telling them what she wants and how to give it to her…she just goes about her life – living it as strongly and fulfillingly as she can. She savors the great-feeling moments, and doesn’t look for closure.

She speaks plain. She says it like it is professionally, as a lawyer, and personally, with her kids and everyone else.

And – she just keeps moving ahead until the men in her life put out a plan. Then she can make a decision.

This is just such a Siren way to be. You just keep playing on Siren island until the man shows up with a plan.

Love to you, Rori

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670 Comments to “Help From The Good Wife”

  1. 1: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay – I like how this is said.. This is what I wanted – and i hope got across – to Security… yum

    i feel freer to say this directly… i feel excited i had ‘got’ this some before it was written out… i feel excited this is not too businessy yeah

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 12:30pm

  2. 2: WendyNo Gravatar says:

    This article has helped me to understand how to increase my difficulty. Its not about making demands. But it is about honoring myself. I have been feeling numb lately and now realize how I was making my current situation an imaginary one. I ALSO REALIZE HOW HE IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO MAKE A PLAN. and he needs to feel in his heart that he wants to love and cherish me before he can even see the map to make a plan!
    Until than I will do as you suggest and stay on my Siren Island and try to love and pamper myself

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 1:11pm

  3. 3: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    This is one of the best you have written Rori. It is so on target. It is never good to sit around and wait. Tell them directly how you feel, then go about your business. The guy will get that he will lose you if he is neglectful or not paying enough attention. They begin to realize, “Hey, she has not been emailing,texting, calling…” What is up with that? Well, hey, I am playing out here and enjoying by “Siren”ess… They will work it until they can get it. Great stuff.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 2:14pm

  4. 4: earthyNo Gravatar says:

    i have been reading many of these posts but it is the first time that i write in here….my problem with applying all the tools is: i understand the value of all of them! and am experimenting with those new ways of being around a man…however, how can i deal with the fact that i am in my mid 30s and want to have children, which makes me anxious about WHEN the tools will actually bring the result of attracting a compatible, non-toxic man? i get stressed about the biological clock and this sabotages my efforts…please help!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 2:17pm

  5. 5: DesireeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for this. I feel like I am on my way out of a 2-year long distance relationship and just starting to date a local man. I don’t feel like either one can or will step up in the way I need them to. Mr. LDR has 2 jobs and still makes half my salary and Mr. Local has been laid off for 9 months (and Local pulls out his wallet way more than LDR does!)
    I’m just coasting downhill in other areas because of my love life, and I’m so glad I read this because otherwise I would’ve made my situation worse by trying to have a deep discussion about this. I don’t like paying for stuff. So unless I’m buying a present for a specific occasion, I won’t be paying for anything. No “talk” needed. If any guy questions my behavior, I will simply tell them I don’t feel comfortable paying for the meal/movie/whatever.
    I feel really down on myself, though. I’ve spent so much time and money trying to please others lately and I feel really dumb about it. I have 2 degrees and I was still stupid enough to think that buying a man a plane ticket was a good idea. I’ve also gained 50 pounds over the past year and do not feel like myself. Does anyone have any motivating, comforting, or encouraging words? I have been acting like the opposite of The Good Wife and I feel lost.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 3:04pm

  6. 6: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh – this post is so strength giving.

    YES ‘poetry’ is easy and so easy for me to fall for, most women too.

    ‘Poetry’ is it seems, easy for men to say then forget they ever said, once they’ve settled into a pattern of relating and stopped feeling the pursuit thing. Their words of passion are often to do with getting a woman to have sex. It’s exciting and flattering. Problem is it doesn’t mean a man has bonded in any way! And I’ve always made assumptions from my female perspective – then ouch, i’ve ended up with heartache again. NOT ANYMORE THOUGH!

    I am feeling much stronger in my boundaries and starting to see how stronger boundaries can help me in the next relationship I have with a man.

    Thanks Rori and others here x

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 3:09pm

  7. 7: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, the site looks great!! I love having access to videos – thanks, Rori!

    I was watching this video and it just got me thinking about the inner workings of a player:

    and how shocking it was to realize that real life men behave this way. It’s confusing! Is this man exhibiting sociopathic behavior (by going around creating false scenarios to “trick” women into giving it up to him??? Or would it just take the “right woman” to inspire him? I feel so weirded out by “players” – yet so attracted at the same time!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 3:11pm

  8. 8: KatieNo Gravatar says:

    Desiree – stop trying to please others! I can say this to you because i have spent large portions of my life doing just that, because I felt unloved and I wanted to be liked.
    Also I love to give service genuinely. Problem is even with best intentions people don’t necessarily see it as strength they pick up that underneath there is a lack of strong self worth then under value what I have given and this has caused me excruciating pain in relationships. I have felt under valued and misunderstood!! Even within my own family sometimes. So I am turning it around bit by bit – it takes time. Feel your worth Desiree, your abilities, your strengths, buy yourself a gift or two. Have a candlelit bath, watch a chic flik with a girl friend. Go down to the sea and listen to waves.

    Don’t know if this helps but hey I recognise in your words a little bit of myself, where I’ve been and I’ve felt lost, still do sometimes but I am on the right path now just need to keep putting one foot infront of the other, with a big smile :-) xx

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 3:27pm

  9. 9: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori thank you! Once again, what I need to hear when I need to hear it. This new CD I met is stepping up BIG time! I feel adored, cared for & like my needs are more important than his own. I can’t say any guy in my life has made me feel this way to this extent. He asked me today, “soooo, do I have any competition for your affection?” Later he told me that he had a sense of deja vu when he saw me, that this just FEELS right & later that he’s had his “playtime” and is looking for a life partner. When I told him I feel safe with him, he said he wants me to feel WAY more than safe. So I’m not wondering what he’s thinking… When I told him, “You feel way more open to me than I thought was humanly possible at our age” he told me “I take that as a huge compliment! thank you!!”

    So when he asked the affection question, I told him I AM dating other guys. It feels like it’s time for the “no girlfriend” speech. I don’t know how to do this part. I didn’t expect to need it this fast! I just started CDing consistently about 6 weeks ago! (I told him we have lots to talk about & called him “whirlwind” after the life partner comment. He said, “I know. Its odd. But very pleasant.”) So I decided to just wade in here & see what happens and asked him, “If I told you I was going to keep my options open & keep dating casually until I have a ring on my finger what would you think?” He told me he’s not the super jealous type and asked if it works both ways. I told him “No.” He then told me “I don’t scare easily” and then “You like to test limits a bit. No worries. I like that little rebellious streak.” Really? Does any thing faze this guy? He’s the same one I told in my second email to him that the fact he doesn’t want kids concerns me because I want kids and I don’t want a relationship with someone who doesn’t. He told me he can’t have kids but if our relationship gets that deep we can adopt. Seriously! Nothing deters him.

    The funniest part is the last guy who said stuff like this freaked me out! Of course I wasn’t attracted to him…

    So the new CD & I are going to revisit this conversation on our date on Friday. But I don’t know how to explain CDing to him (I know I won’t call it that) or know what to tell him about why I can but he can’t. He’s already wanting to set dates w/ me way ahead of time. Were going out Friday and he’s invited me out Saturday & Sunday. Last Sunday, he asked me out for Tuesday but I didn’t have any time available. I think if I allow it, he will just keep booking as much time with me as possible. If I don’t already have plans, should I accept & just keep letting him step up or should I limit him so I have time for other CDs? Logically this is all happening too fast, but I’m comfortable with it. I just listened to your Kat Knecht interview & it really resonated with me when you were excited for her about things having moved so fast with her & her husband & commented on how things just start falling in place. Is that what’s happening here?

    Oh. I should add, he & I have very similar philosophies & are even reading the same book. What a coincidence! I can safely say THAT has never happened before without planning it. I need help!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 4:03pm

  10. 10: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    I’m sending you a big ((( H U G ))). Please register for a FR*E teleclass tomorrow:
    3 Steps to Overcoming Ugly Belief System and Developing Your Own Beautiful Thought Syndrome!
    Thursday, June 17th, 2010
    5pm Pacific/8pm Eastern

    You’ll learn how to get into alignment with your highest intentions so that you can create Love, Self-Worth and increase your Net-Worth.

    I hope you can join us tomorrow.


    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 4:14pm

  11. 11: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I FB’d B to tell him I’m moving. Cause I figure..I was upset that he didn’t tell me he was moving, so to do the same would make me a hypocrite. I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
    I need to consider my personal ethical frame work.
    We got into another email debate. I must be frikin nuts.
    He says it’s hard to make me feel visible after I left him. Now he’s there alone.
    Here is my reply.

    Being alone is a natural consequence of me feeling invisible. I felt invisible for a long time before I left you. You had lots of opportunities to give me what I needed.

    If you had really wanted to prove to me that I WAS visible to you..that I mattered, you could have. I never said I wouldn’t see fact I told you you could show me what you wanted. You showed me MSN chats. You showed me nothing. Why should it be easy to get me back? Your behaviour was disrespectful to the point of distain.

    I deserve to be pursued, have an effort put out on my behalf. I deserve a man who is brave enough to come get me. Who cares about the things I care about. Because I care about them.

    Love is sacred Ben. Do you know how rare it is to have someone in you life who loves you? REALLY loves you? Wants the best for you? Is upset if you are not treated fairly? Hopes for you? Dreams of her life with you? Hopes that you will be proud of them too?


    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 4:28pm

  12. 12: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, re: #8, what I also wondered is would it be advisable to tell him the poems/plan and let him figure it out?

    I should add, all I’ve been doing here is leaning back. I’m not soliciting any of this stuff from him. But I like it!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 4:31pm

  13. 13: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Yea, Sweetpea; I feel so happy reading your post, I feel hopeful I will learn how to do this right, and soon it will be my turn :)

    Katie: (hugs) to you; I feel your pain. I’d like to share something that a guy I was REALLY hung up on told me:

    people, especially men, feel AWFUL when women do things for them that they feel they do not deserve or have not earned! What an insight! I am one who remembers birthdays, tries to cheer people up when they are down, etc. – thinking I am just doing what comes naturally – being a caring, loving woman. But he made me see it makes men WITHDRAW feeling icky.

    This is the place to learn new ways of Being. I love it here!!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:21pm

  14. 14: BellaNo Gravatar says:

    This is perfect timing for this post. In two weeks I will be attending an event and see my ex that I haven’t seen or talked to in months, and I have been a WRECK!
    Why do I keep playing over in my head how “I” should react to him and what he might say. . .I feel in my heart he will act very casual while I want to scream and hit and punch his lights out for being so careless with my feelings.
    When I read this, ” She isn’t consumed with trying to blame him or with anger about what happened and what he did – she’s concerned with creating as good a life for herself” I felt a calmness come over me. . . .I don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel good to me. . . . it’s not about me, I DESERVE someone who wants to treat me well.
    At the same time, I feel fearful to see him. I feel uncertain and unsure of myself. I feel like I should rehearse my greeting, but then I’d be right back to my old habits of putting on an act like everything is okay when it’s not.
    Oh, help please sirens!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:24pm

  15. 15: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Orna, thank you & HUGS for the link; I signed up for it already!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:27pm

  16. 16: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, get this! these are emails from Old Flame:

    Old Flame:

    have you ever tried skype?


    Yes, but with you I’d rather talk on the phone!
    No, I’d really rather talk in person

    Old Flame:

    OK I am with you note for note and number for number on the in person… And the problem with skype is?? (note for note – i’m a musician… number for number – he’s an accountant)


    well, i have no problem with skype!
    as a last resort…

    Old Flame:

    all right then it sounds like I will have to deal with this face to face…

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:31pm

  17. 17: HopeNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori, Sirens
    Im sorry for the misplacment of this question but its all i knew how to ask it.
    I love your insight and have used all Rori’s tools to end up in a relationship that I have enjoyed very much but has now become very difficult. I dated My man for a year and a half. From the very beginning I got a lot out of the relationship and he continued to offer more so I assume he was enjoying it just a much. I let him know right away that I was not looking for a BF and that marriage was a goal/value for me. He also stated that he was not looking for a GF but did not see himself getting married anytime soon. ( I’m mid 20’s he just turned 30 ). He was hot so I slept with him after about a month. I continued to date other men for about 9 months. I knew he was seeing another women (I checked his phone, he said they were just friends) but the relationship was serving me so well I/we kept it going. I have never had to chase him and he carries the relationship well. I stopped dating when he had all my free time tied up and I was relaxed and happy. We began to make intelligent plans for our future. Well at about the year mark, he was spending most nights at my home and we were getting closer and closer. Marriage was on the table and he seemed excited about a solid 18 mont plan. I found that he was still talking to this women Friend from before and had in fact spent NYE with her. The text I read also indicated that he was telling her not to make plans for the two of them because he wont be around for that. Anyhow I was mad and told him to get all his stuff out of my house and to not come back anymore. (This is weeks after I expressed my discomfort with him keeping contact with his “friend”) He left but came back in about two weeks pledging his faithfulness and initiating the commitment conversation. He gave me a few reasons why this women was still in his life and how complicated it was. Blah… Blah… I let him know that he would need to sever his ties with her in order for me to feel comfortable with dating him only. We ended up getting a place together. I got laid off my job and I noticed there was still contact ( mostly her calling him ). I begin to unravel. My confidence went down the drain and I had too much time on my hands! I began making demands on him. Our communication broke down and our home was very tense. We had or biggest ugliest fight ever. He kept saying nothing was going on and that she wanted more but he was not intrested and why am I so insecure. What happens next is a confrontation with this women where she confirms that for the last 4 months he has tried to distance himself from her. They were friends with benefits and she thought it would turn into something more. Things changed with them in Jan. She did not require them to be together but still wanted him in her life so she did things for him like giving him money and using her job with the county to pull strings for his business. She told me that sex had stopped but he still saw her maybe once a week. She admitted to sending him naked pics the night before because she missed him and he had not returned her calls (this was the night of our big fight where he finally said he would not talk to this women any more. I knew then it was just out of frustration). She told me that in return he sent her pics of his body parts back, and agreed to take her to the airport the next night. I was outrage by his conduct although I could see a clear difference in our relationship that theirs. That day he told her he could not see her anymore and that he was wrong for letting this get out of hand and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Blah… I kicked him out of our place two days later in a nasty non-siren fashion. This was a brake up. He felt that I gave up on him and kicked him out because he made a stupid mistake and that he had not touched that woman since he solidified our relationship. He said that he would not look back
    He came back a few days later and stayed with me for 4 nights, no sex. He was frustrated with the rejection and asked me what I wanted from him I gave him a “no friends w/ benefits good relationship commitment” speech. He said “ok” and left. For the next 2 weeks I did not contact him. He txt me a few times and called twice. I know he was dating during this time, and that he tried to have sex with another women. I was taking care of myself in other ways. Now a bit over a month later he is back he stays with me every night for 3 weeks we go on fantastic dates back to back and are enjoying each other physically and emotionally again. I am unsure what to do. I can forgive him but what is that saying about giving him permission? Can I transform this? I told him that I would not continue with him unless he could commit in a real way and he agreed but I feel as if I put myself all to willingly in the GF trap because the relationship is so wounded marriage is not on the table the way it once was. I still have resentment that I am trying to work out with him and myself. He says that he still wants a future with me. He also said that is I had done the something he would leave even if his heart wanted to stay. What does that mean I don’t know if I can trust him so I need some guidance on how to trust myself through this. I am not in denial about what happened and I do not want to be mistreated anymore. Is there hope for this kind of re commitment to work? I KNOW he loves me deeply but am unsure if he is capable of the commitment he professed. I believe he also feels bad for hurting me and thinks that it will never be the same. Can we heal this, is it worth it? Am I wasting my time? Do you think the thought of loosing me made him act right or is it all an ACT to keep me around?? In retrospect the first thing that comes to mind is… DON’T EVER STOP DATING NO MATER HOW FAB HE IS!!!!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:32pm

  18. 18: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, i’d so like to write, “or cheek to cheek,” but i’m not going to!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:33pm

  19. 19: maryNo Gravatar says:

    anything witty out there that i can reply back? i’m stumped…

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:37pm

  20. 20: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You said, “You just keep playing on Siren island until the man shows up with a plan.”

    Beautiful! I love what you wrote about that show! So here I am, playing on Siren Island.

    I am right where I should be, but I feel weary, tense, craving, sad, and lonely. I feel like crashing.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:37pm

  21. 21: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohmygosh Sweetpea how amazing!!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:46pm

  22. 22: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love how you said… If i tell you that i want to keep casually dating until i have a ring on my finger… what woudl you think?

    ohh awesome

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:46pm

  23. 23: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – ouch… i feel a lil pulled back reading that mail… i feel concerned and kinda cringing… it feels very blaming

    i would condense all that to

    I still feel very angry at you.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:48pm

  24. 24: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Orna; your advice please, if you are on:

    You said in a previous post it was OK to call a man or email first IF you had a REASON…I am in a new dating rotation with a man (one date) & I had a message on my phone that he couldn’t get through … we had a date last night … but I didn’t know if it was from yesterday or today so I left him a message back saying if it was from yesterday, I was sorry to miss his call, and if it was today; thank you I felt so lovely being with him yesterday and feel happy about seeing him tomorrow … but he didn’t return my message or text me today … is that leaning forward? thanks & HUGS for all your advice :)

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:50pm

  25. 25: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mary – i just realized today or yesterday how often i try to be witty — and then in my mind rori’s words about how men don’t fall in love with us for being witty

    and i dont have to try to be clever, or anything

    i just have to open heart and share what im really feeling – feels scary when witty feels so much easier

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:51pm

  26. 26: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, i like that daria!

    maybe i’ll just say, “hey, that would be great,” or something.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 5:59pm

  27. 27: maryNo Gravatar says:

    sweet pea, “If i tell you that i want to keep casually dating until i have a ring on my finger… what woudl you think?”, and he asked if it goes both ways, and you said, “NO.”


    why did you say no?

    how could it not go both ways?

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:01pm

  28. 28: maryNo Gravatar says:

    feeling dense here…

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:02pm

  29. 29: maryNo Gravatar says:

    but really trying…

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:02pm

  30. 30: maryNo Gravatar says:

    cuz i’m in this situation all the time. it’s very difficult.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:03pm

  31. 31: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – thanks! My challenge now is staying unattached to the outcome!

    Mary – I don’t know why no. It’s been up for discussion the last couple of nights & agreed upon that Rori says no, but none of us have found or can remember why. And I haven’t really thought it out b/c I didn’t expect this to happen so fast. So I’m one of those “fly by the seat of their pants” girls you talk about on the other thread. AND… He just called wanting to take me & my dog for a walk in the park & she really needs it so I agreed. So now I’m really flying by the seat of my pants!! (Shrug). Maybe I’ll just tell him cuz I want my cake and eat it too & maybe some ice cream! (Lol – Simply Shannon style)!

    I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m not even sure hwow I’m going to explain the CDing yet, but I at least have a couple of ideas on that front.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:12pm

  32. 32: jenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Daria……… doesn’t matter much. Now he is saying he didnt’ treat me well because he felt that he couldn’t afford to get me the things I wanted. IT’s the same shit. He’s obsessed with the idea that I wanted money from him. I was financially motivated. It’s all bull shit.
    He says I left him at a bad time in his life. Like it was my responsibility to take care of him instead of me.
    If I condensed everything I feel and think down to I still feel mad at you..that’s all I would say to him.
    This is totally retarded.
    I am having a hard time with the not blaming thing. This is…my issue is was and always was….his behaviour. How do I not “blame” him when his behaviour is the issue?
    All I would end up saying is “I feel angry” “I feel invisible” “I feel unheard”
    He ignores all that feeling message business and goes on about how I left him at a bad time for him and all I wanted was money anway…at least that’s the way he saw it anyway.
    Whatever I feel annoyed and bored.
    This is stupid.
    I feel like an addict.
    I wonder if he’s “toxic”

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:14pm

  33. 33: ButteryNo Gravatar says:

    Hi , I ‘ve just downloaded the e-book and have been reading lots of blog posts. Great stuff, I will try to start using the tools in my dating relationships.

    I’m dating a guy who likes to say or text “i’m thinking of you”.
    What is a good feeling message to respond to his statement?

    something like “it feels food to hear you say that”

    or should i just say, “i’m thinking of you too?”

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:35pm

  34. 34: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post!

    If you want to cut through all that noise, then show me a plan. Poetry is easy. It’s the parent-teacher conferences that are hard. I have to go now.

    This is even better than “shoulda put a ring on it”. :-)

    Yes, show me a plan. What are you (Man) bringing to the table? I’m gonna need a Powerpoint presentation with some bullets on it or something. Haha! I love it! This feels powerful!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:37pm

  35. 35: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, I feel confused and surprised to hear you contacted him.

    I believe you are lovely. I love your quirky, intellectual girl personna mixed with your loud and boisterous “worked me like a summer job” voice. I don’t want any of my Sirens to be treated badly. I want so much for all of to let go of the men in our life who just aren’t cutting it.

    And so you know, I have been thinking about A so much today it’s not even funny. This is the guy who cheated on me last summer. He is still on my horse. I actually deleted my last FB email today from him so that I can no longer see his profile (it’s hidden from general search). I feel embarrassed admitting that. I made myself do it because it felt right to truly and forever let him go. I wouldn’t want the “old” him anyway. I only want the fun times we had together. At least that’s what I’m telling myself…

    Gosh, I feel sad. I miss him. I miss the fun we had.

    This Man Fast sucks. I don’t like being alone. Dangit.

    God please help me. :-(

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 6:46pm

  36. 36: StarLightNo Gravatar says:


    ((HUGS)) I feel awed by your bravery even tho you’re in pain …

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 7:14pm

  37. 37: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #23: WOW! I feel awesome, I feel strong, I feel diva-like … I don’t have to be witty I just have to be me … whoa! I feel free

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 7:16pm

  38. 38: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea, I feel curious — what book are you both reading? I feel intrigued that you both happen to be reading the same book.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 8:18pm

  39. 39: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I spotted an intriguing loveatfirstsight man on pof today. My heart actually started racing and my breath quickened! He lives an hour and a half away, so he’s not terribly long distance. Only problem is, he doesn’t know I exist. So, until he does, I am trying not to think about him!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 8:23pm

  40. 40: maryNo Gravatar says:


    Why is it okay for us to CD and not okay for the guys?

    Thank you!


    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:01pm

  41. 41: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mary – this was addressed by rori but i cant find the post!! could it have been in a comment?

    but basically it was a weeklong discussion at one point

    the gist of it was that

    we are looking to get married… and we’re looking from the circle of men who are super sure they want US

    the men who want to date multiple women, after a reasonable time, are not the men who are SURE they want US and only us

    i remember sayign something about

    Being the princess in the castle, and there are a bunch of suitors trying to woo us

    they would not be doing well wooing if they are busy wooing a different princess half the time

    they’re trying to get US. that’s why

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:05pm

  42. 42: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – aslo had a great grasp of it on the last post or the one before that

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:05pm

  43. 43: maryNo Gravatar says:

    mmmmmm… Shannon, do you remember?

    I’ve had guys ask me that – does it go both ways? And I told them yes!

    Uh oh…!!!


    they’re still around.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:12pm

  44. 44: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    After our last day together, I no longer feel sad or want to cry. It just doesn’t faze me anymore. I can just go on about life. He’ll come around if he wants.

    Yes must have been my fault partially, and his fault partially but I’m not out to blame. We told my parents about my situation and had plans to marry, but I brought up the trigger of our fight. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, thought it was something we can get over once discussed but he decided to break up. The next day,I asked for a last. I’m not sure if he told me he loves me and talked as if we’re together and going to be together just because I wanted one last day, and he wanted to act like things were the same, or if it was because he got over our fight and in some ways want us together again. I didn’t bring it up. He told me he loves me today but then doesn’t reply later when I text him. I don’t know where we’re going, but I feel pretty much like Alicia.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:44pm

  45. 45: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm im feelin a lil weird . ok. i feel a lil mad. I feel a lil gloaty.

    I don’t like explaining something and then feeling like my words were unheard

    I feel mad. I feel like discounted, like someone has something against me and thus chooses to not hear me, thinks im stupid or dont know what im talking about.

    i feel mad

    i dont want to tolerate being ignored


    I feel dissed

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:46pm

  46. 46: ElayneNo Gravatar says:

    This is good, I’m starting to get it now! I’ve been hit on by some guy on Twitter who keeps asking me for my phone number. I write a blog and my number is all over the internet. I told him that if he wanted it that bad, he could find it on the internet and just call me like everyone else does, but he can’t seem to run a Google search to find me. Amazing.

    I am finding that now that I’ve set a boundary with one man that I’m “dating,” it’s getting much easier to say no to them in all areas of my life! Amazing.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:50pm

  47. 47: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know who you’re talking about but I feel you!
    I hate it when he doesn’t answer me, even though I know he’s probably texting other girls. If he loves me he would make me top priority, especially since he claims he wants to marry me, sees himself with me and wants to be with me forever…

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 9:53pm

  48. 48: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kismet — ouch that would feel awful from a man i am close with… though I wouldn’t want to text him first, no way… I’ve been practicing Rori’s tools of leaning back and letting men come to me for awhile now, I’m pretty used to it (tho sometimes i still call guys but usually the results of that are bleh)

    Leaning Back… it works! They get a lot more attracted… its like they remember that they like me once im not going to them or contacting them

    i felt kinda bad that you asked him for one last day. ICK i would feel bad ! like im begging him! But at least he was nice on the date.

    I feel curious to see what happens… my guess is that in your situation leaning back would totally bring him back

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:06pm

  49. 49: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    YAY ELAYNE! awesome!

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:06pm

  50. 50: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I called a man i used to date – my ex – who likes me but doesn’t step up all the way – tho he made a step

    and asked him to take a shower at his place – cuz i didnt want to go home…
    guess what he said no, he was out and busy


    now he wants to me to call him if i want to go out and kick it

    i’ve told him a hundred times i dont want to kick it


    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:08pm

  51. 51: maryNo Gravatar says:

    so i went out to dinner with Bridge Man. and we started talking about what it was like to be on Plenty of Fish. and he said that he’d worked out that the best way was to just “be friends” with all the women he was seeing, and that if there was any chemistry, things would work that way.

    sounded plausible.

    but i said, “well, I kinda wanted it to be dating. dating was more romantic for me.”

    and he said he’d do it his way and i could do it my way.

    so the check came.

    guess what? i reached for my purse. i got out my wallet. i was really and truly intending to pay. 2nd date.

    and he said, “no! absolutely not! put your purse away. this is mine”

    (she’s with ME.)

    i said, “well, hey! i thought you were viewing me as a friend!” and he said, “i am.” and i said, “if i had a boyfriend, and you had a girlfriend, and we were really ‘just friends,’ would you still pay for mine?”

    and he said, “absolutely.”


    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:20pm

  52. 52: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    I know, I knew it might sound pathetic. But when we argued it was through texting and we didn’t get to break up properly in person. He is the father of my baby so I wanted to see him one last time if he is serious about breaking up.

    Actually, when I texted him during our fight that I guess this is the way it is, that I’m giving him this song we love which is about breaking up and letting go of the one you love, wishing them the best…he replied 15 minutes later telling me: “Well you want to talk be at my place”

    I wasn’t sure if he wanted us to talk or if he was saying that if I want to talk about our situation, then I can meet him. So I went since I needed to return his clothes and settle things, maybe try to work it out but that wasn’t the purpose. We walked around and I asked if he wanted to try, if he wants custody of the baby etc etc. he was pretty much Mr. I-Don’t Care-We’re-Over-I’m happy-Its-a-Nice-Day-Out which irked me. After awhile I figured it was pointless. I thought he had a date with some girl like he said, but he didn’t take me home yet and it was past the time he needed to go. We walked to the gas station, I didn’t talk at all. He asked me why I have an attitude and I asked him why he’s so happy. We walked past a house that looked like my old house and I told him. Then the mood became lighter and we chatted about the city/ghetto.

    We went in his room and I still kept my distance, he did too. he took up the space on his bed, while I was sitting on the corner taking up little. His feet touched mine. Then he stretched out more, telling me not to take up so much space. By this time I knew he was playing around but I didn’t feel like it. he kept getting me to move so I got off and sat on the stool. He threw me a pillow, then said he wants it, then tells me to go over to him and says I can be on the bed. I get on the bed and keep my distance. after awhile of silence he put on a r&b love song on his phone and put it next to me, it was about how the guy fell in love with the girl the first day and that he’s sorry he didn’t know better. I didn’t say anything so when it was over he turned it off and stayed close to me then cuddled. I didn’t know what he wanted, he claimed he just wanted my hair. Said couldn’t we cuddle one last time? I let him hug me but when things got sexual I told him we can’t do that since we’re not together. That he can do that with other girls. he said ok and texted people, got ready to go somewhere and take me home.

    he was in his car when I came out of the bathroom and that’s when I texted him about one last day together and he came back. He was all happy and told me he loved me. I couldn’t tell if he thought that I would be up for sex and was happy, or if he was happy that I was there. He told me he loved me. Throughout the time, he told me he loves me several time, and then we just start talking as if we’re together. Talking about our baby and stuff.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:20pm

  53. 53: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    Also, I felt that my want was true to myself and when I asked it was not shameful bc I wasn’t ashamed to ask. But now I’m leaning back and its easy bc for some reason the hurt is gone.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:22pm

  54. 54: maryNo Gravatar says:


    my take on all that is that he’s feeling safe because he thinks you’re breaking up, and he can tell you how he really feels and not worry about expectations on your part, because he thinks the expectations are already gone.

    my heart feels sick about this.

    but i know you’re young. and i’ve seen a lot! and attitude is soooooooo everything! it seems like in even this very difficult situation, you have a good attitude and healthy self esteem.

    anyone at all would be exhausted and upset in your situation.

    seeing the big picture, and the long run, and all the women who’ve done it alone, i feel very positive about you!

    and he’s the father.

    who knows how it will all play out? no one. because it’s in the little, tiny decisions that are made every day… we’re creating what will happen with those decisions…

    so all you have to do is do the next best thing in front of you!

    here’s to a healthy baby!

    (and i’m about to have a little grand baby! yay!)

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:30pm

  55. 55: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i mean you’re creating what will happen…

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:31pm

  56. 56: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – ok so i got two messages there: one is that not all men in the pacific northwest are effeminate about paying for dates

    and 2 that you wanted to get money out and pay for dates which i feel ciky blah terrible reading about…
    blah blah ick ick… i feel disappointed… it would have been a great opportunity to feel the awkward feelings and embrace them

    im feeling disappointed that i didnt state my feelings clearly in the taco incident. I COULD HAVE gotten a cab home. it would have been 10 bucks. I could have went inside a store to get away from the cold. i could have felt amazed and adventurous at taking care of myself


    instead now i feel turned off to this guy i like before and i feel insecure around him

    he called me today and told me to call him tomorrow and i said oh wait i dont like to call guys… he told me wow youre a lil strange huh..


    i feel blah

    i dont want to take it personaly

    my period didnt come on time so im feeling pmsy for a week now or what not, i am craving stuff

    it would feel great to get my period and release this kundalini energy back into the water/earth

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:37pm

  57. 57: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, thanks! Your response makes me happy =)

    I do feel a happy flickering hope inside, that things will turn out fine. Call it confidence? God, I’ve just been through like, everything no one wants to go through, so I must be a super tough woman who still comes out strong in the end. Idk, I’ve already cried and from that time I went to settle things, I just got too tired to cry or care. When he cuddled me the second time when I told him I wanted one last day, he tried to comfort me by saying I can cry and joking that I don’t have to hide it from him. But there were no tears on my face and my face was far from crying, more like “I’m not EVEN crying, why would I be?” What we fought over was stupid and small and he tried to put the blame on me.

    Though he still said he loves me today, like Alicia, I need to see a plan! Our families were supposed to talk about the wedding this weekend, I don’t have the heart to tell my parents that he won’t be there. I dont know if he will and if he will notify his parents anymore. And if he wants it to work, then he’ll have to do it before this weekend. I wonder if I should ask him about it, or let him tell me what he wants about the wedding and either me or him will tell my parents if he doesn’t want it anymore.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:43pm

  58. 58: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    So is what Bridge Man said about paying for you even if you guys are just friends a good thing or bad thing? I’m confused.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 10:44pm

  59. 59: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – re: 23 – the book is The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Very good book for business, difficult relationships – anything that might require strategizing. It was written by a chinese warrior. It’s very deep & philosophical.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 11:03pm

  60. 60: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea, I don’t want to be debbie downer, but something feels weird to me about the way your guy is acting.. The book title was the kicker for me. The guys I’ve known who have been players have ALL named that book as somthing they’re currently reading or one of their favorites. It’s weird, I know, but hearing that set off my bs meter.

    Please don’t take this the wrong way… It’s just one of those things I’ve noticed as a pattern in my dating life.

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 11:18pm

  61. 61: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    …and I just got home from a date with someone who thinks he’s a total playa, and I’m feeling very distrustful! He’s perhaps the worst kisser west of the Mississippi, and I feel pissed that I have to honestly tell him why I won’t be seeing him again. I feel angry that I even have to deal with these losers at all. Grrr (so I’m saying Sweetpea that my perspective might be warped)

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 11:21pm

  62. 62: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea and Siena – when I heard the title of the book, i was like OH ALLL guys read that book hehehe

    no wonder he was reading it (i havent noticed a player correlation)

    its just a man favorite in my book

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 11:33pm

  63. 63: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena & Daria – I’ve actually only know a couple of guys who’ve read that book. They were definitely not players, but I’ll take it under advisement.

    I’ve also always had excellent player radar – God I hope it’s not failing me now, in my experience all the players read Stephen King or not at all! Lol. But I’m keeping my eyes wide open. Players don’t usually invest this much time & effort. I guess I’ll know soon enough. He sure does have a lot of time to spend w/ me if that’s the case!

    Siena – sorry you had a bad date! So you’re actually going to tell him you can’t see him anymore cuz he’s the worst kisser west of the Mississippi?

    Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 11:54pm

  64. 64: maryNo Gravatar says:


    so you were getting married to him? or was that another wedding that you guys were both going to? (pardon me for not knowing!)

    what i really like about what you said was that what you fought about was stupid and small, and that he tried to put the blame on you.

    and you didn’t let him! how wonderful for you! i remember that was a big step for me in my first marriage: not taking blame! that’s really great.

    maybe he’ll come around.

    maybe not!

    you’re gonna have a sweet little baby, regardless! what a lot to look forward to! just wait; you’ll see.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:27am

  65. 65: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yes, well…

    who pays can be a bit deal, or not a big deal, depending on who you’re with.

    regardless of how you handle it.

    my point.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:32am

  66. 66: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohh…im looking at how i can get my period …

    and remembering the first time i got my period.

    i didn’t know what it was

    it was black

    i somehow didnt really pay it much attention

    i was at camp

    math camp

    there was this boy i liked stephen

    and i always fought with him because thats what i liked

    and one time i said i was going to slap him over the head

    and i did

    i felt free and open and fun and delighted

    and then he yelled at me!

    he said i was a bitch and to leave him alone

    i felt shocked… i felt betrayed… he had played with me

    i felt go to numb to not feel the horribleness

    actually this somewhat reminds me of guywhohadababy

    and the way i was free and open kinda reminds me of brenda

    and i feel kinda intense remembering that

    then i left

    and i felt


    we did cuddle up the last day and he wrote some stuff on my yearbook… but i think i was the one who initiated… and he mostly wrote stuff like hey bitch… hope you have a fun year

    me and him had been best camp friends slash tease each other

    i think he liked a girl called cindy who was pretty mature and sophisticated


    sounds like a guywhohadababy

    sounds like the boy when i was 5

    sounds like im repeating and repeating

    i felt betrayed

    i felt shocked

    i didnt know he didnt like it!

    ohh i feel terrible

    i feel sigh

    i feel afraid to trust myself to feel free and express

    i feel sad thinking that

    i feel sad

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:39am

  67. 67: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i didnt pay attention to myself or my period. i didnt know i was having a period… didnt look much like blood.

    didnt have one again for years

    i feel sad weird behind the time again i feel icky saying that


    i feel bloated

    i feel unsatisfied

    i feel not hydrated
    i feel sleepy

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:41am

  68. 68: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    i INTEND to heal this now

    no that is too scary no you cant do it now no that is too big a task for you to do right now not safe to intend that rght now its not gonna happen now

    thank u

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:42am

  69. 69: SoftyNo Gravatar says:

    Bravo to Alicia.. Girl Power !
    Anyone watched “The Women” movie? I love it so much.. its an amazing life transformation for Mary Haines play by Meg Ryan

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:44am

  70. 70: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Mary I used to think it wasn’t fair for women to CD but men couldn’t. Then one day “I got” why Rori says if a man wants to CD let him go. Because men are wired different than women. If a man really wants one particular woman he will step up to the plate and do everything he can to win her heart. He won’t be wanting to CD, he’ll be showing his lady he’s trustworthy, he’s caring, loving, protective etc…But no man man gets exclusivity until there is a ring and wedding plans in the works if getting married is what the WOMAN wants. HTH

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:37am

  71. 71: maryNo Gravatar says:

    in my very brief experience dating these last few months, combined with what happened last fall, it does seem true that men get hooked into a woman and want exclusivity.

    not giving them that is the problem.

    it makes them crazy. and then, don’t they leave? i’m not there in my story yet. i’m just trusting Rori.

    if this doesn’t work, i’ll just start over again.

    i’m only about two or three dates into it with each guy. it’s not soon enough for exclusivity, even if i were to give it, and my schedule hasn’t allowed for more dates, closer together. i thought that would be the hard part – putting them off. the hard part has been finding time to schedule them in. i have other things to do, too!

    i feel sad when a guy says he’s not dating anyone but me. after two dates??? really!!! i feel suspicious.

    i feel pompous and show-off and selfish to be wanting to spend time with more than one guy, when that guy wants to spend time with only me.

    maybe because man in the woods called me selfish?

    but i do want to experience new things, new and different men, new ways of doing things and new kisses!

    because i want to make a good decision this time.

    two bad marriages.


    that is two too many!

    next one has to be the charm. i want to ride into the sunset with someone. i’ve ridden on roller coasters for so long… i’ve been up at night for too long.

    i want to have a more normal life.

    with not as much energy going into men.

    circular dating is actually helping. i mean, there’s no time to obsess about one.

    oh yeah. that’s right. Island Man.

    i’m thinking about him a little bit right now. i feel some sadness tonight about him. i don’t know what happened and why he dropped me. just like THAT.

    maybe *#% # * & ^^

    or maybe $ * ^&&& %

    or maybe $ & *O{{{@


    who even knows? i’ll bet Island Man couldn’t tell us. maybe because i paid for just myself last time. oh! why did i do that? i still feel embarrassed. i should have offered to pay for his, too. or i should have just let him pay?

    he’s an activist kinda guy. eats only organic. carpenter. very active mind. he did always offer to pay. but my feeling was that he was waiting… for me to offer. i know he was.

    i respect men. loved my dad. love my brothers. i don’t like to offend.

    would it have offended him to have offered to pay for his sandwich?

    yes, i’m hung up on that a bit.

    wishing for him tonight. wondering about him tonight.

    will i ever see him again?

    hope so.

    will i ever kiss him?

    hope so.

    yes, it looks to them like i’m a player girl.

    i’m not.

    i’m a siren.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:19am

  72. 72: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i know i said this before, somewhere, but i read something about farrah fawcett that blew me away, and that i’ve thought about for years and years.

    she was standing on the lawn of her sorority house, with other girls there, and boys were lining up to ask for dates. farrah’s line was two blocks long.

    i’ve thought about that over and over and over.

    what would it be like to have so many guys to choose from? if i didn’t like something about one of them, fine! i’d just go to the next one. if one of them didn’t like me, fine! who’s next on the calendar?

    thanks to the Internet, dating clubs and other ways to get dates these days, i know i could have a calendar that was filled… i mean filled with dates!

    it has nothing to do with being beautiful.

    it’s just marketing. pure and simple.

    and thanks to Rori’s tools, i know what to do with those dates!

    good pictures. good write up. good attitude. BINGO.

    i must go the full monty and not offer to pay.

    okay, i’ll try that.


    oh, so thankful to be having this adventure!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:30am

  73. 73: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, you didnt feel like paying for his sandwich simple. For me it’s difficult to pay for a mans sandwich, I wont unless it’s a guy like a family member, a younger cousin, nephew whatever, like I did tonight, my ‘buddy” drove me somewhere and I bought him a coffee, he asked and I felt like it. There is no possiblity of relationship with us, we just hang out together and sing, he tells me his problems , i tell him mine usually about dating. I do speak in feelings messages with him and he is pretty open with me.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:34am

  74. 74: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yeah. i know.

    not wanting to offend men is not in the program.

    i’m not scared!

    i respect men.

    and more than that, there’s the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

    where does basic kindness fit in?

    i mean, i know that man in the woods is not the one. do i tell him? i know the answer: no. let him get tired of my behaviour and call it off.

    i dare him to get tired of my behaviour.


    i wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:38am

  75. 75: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I did finally email truckman back at his instruction, he said, he wanted to respect my space and to write him back when im feeling better about everything. I told him I still feel weird about the other night but if he could drop my keys off on his way to an event that would be ok. Im not ready to “talk” about what happened between us the other night, I felt terrified, he should me is “anger” what a night. I ended up sleeping upstairs in his house and told him not to come near me or I will leave. he said ok he was fine with that. He did say he wanted to apoligize for the way he behaved. I felt terrorized, he berated me for what seemed like hours on end. Ive been going through a whole bunch of feelings around it mostly anger, abandonment, sadness. my fear of abandonment pushed me to respond finally to his email. I feel like a loser.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:39am

  76. 76: maryNo Gravatar says:


    hello tonight.

    what a nice buddy to have! i had a buddy a few years ago, and we went to the same pub once a week and talked about our dates, but he found someone and dropped me.

    that happens when guy friends find themselves a girlfriend.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:41am

  77. 77: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, keep dating him :) when do you tell him, he doesnt fit for you? I dunno. Oh he drops off to the wayside, you cd other men yeah.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:42am

  78. 78: maryNo Gravatar says:

    do you think you’ll keep seeing him, tina?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:42am

  79. 79: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, he’s having an operation on friday. i’m gonna help him and even stay at his house in the woods! which i never have. i’m just gonna sleep on the couch.
    make sure he’s okay. he has no family here.

    then go home to texas and take care of my family.

    then come back and go to work! yay! i can’t wait for work.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:43am

  80. 80: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, my buddy tells me he likes women with huge i mean HUGE breasts lol, I said ew I feel violated as he was describing me the boobs he likes. I said does she have any other qualities you like, he said no , this one particular one is just a woman with huge breasts. We talked over coffee and he seems quite content with woman , I think he said size EE or something. he did say there was another woman he liked but she is to selfish lol yuuuh!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:46am

  81. 81: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    mary, I will , I want this healed for myself. he is like my NV lol. I do this to myself , well I used to do it, um still do to some degree, but Rori says we hire these guys and I think I hired him to be my NV. I dunno, I’ll see how it all plays out.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:48am

  82. 82: maryNo Gravatar says:

    wow! that’s amazing. i wonder why he likes that?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:48am

  83. 83: maryNo Gravatar says:


    i hope there comes a time when you can have peace. i’m starting to feel it. since Island Man went poof. it’s crazy. and unexplainable. but i feel peace.

    it feels so wonderful!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:50am

  84. 84: maryNo Gravatar says:

    good night, tina!

    i have to get up in about three hours! full day tomorrow. i’m gonna join a real estate firm tomorrow. i feel excited and proud! and energetic.

    and ready for a little tiny bit of sleep! hooray!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:54am

  85. 85: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary,I saw his ‘ugly side” and it is ugly. Yikes!
    I did go out tonight and circular date, I had to push myself to do it. I was out singing, I met a few men, I danced with a guy , but he was wearing a wedding band, that was not an option. We chatted for awhile, He asked me if I was a shy person, I said yes, I do feel shy, singing helps me. I did notice one thing about aonther man I talked to briefly, he was talking to me and three other women caught his attention and were talking to him, I noticed my hands were dry feeling and I took out my hand lotion and started moisturizing my fingers one by one, he caught what i was doing and sortof faded out of their convo and started watching me, he was staring at my hands and and asked for some lotion lol.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:00am

  86. 86: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I met a young boxer, he was a cutie :) I spoke in feeling messages all night with him, he seemed to dig me :) he really liked my singing too.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:02am

  87. 87: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I met a man at the coffee shop and he struck up a conversation with me , asking me if I was from there and did i know this person blah blah blah, I said yes, I smiled and left.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:04am

  88. 88: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, i’d like to hear you sing! and i’d play the piano… and we could have a band… that sounds like a fun evening! i love that hand lotion action!

    i’m not glad that you saw truckman’s ugly side, but i am glad that you saw it for what it was.

    Tina, i feel happy that you can surround yourself with positive people and people who will not bring you down, but will see the light inside of you! they can be a mirror for your beautiful spirit.

    i hope that you find those people and spend time with them! they’re everywhere!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:55am

  89. 89: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Good article… I already feel like I need to add more men to the mix… I took a little break but, less then a few dudes and I’m feeling encouraged to stay on track and stay open to cd.. and the “nicey” nice guys are growing on me.. ( I feel like they try too hard sometimes) or I’m just not all physically attracted and then I wonder will I end up settling? Surely, not.. that”s why I feel pushed to go back on line and start receiving again.. :)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:07am

  90. 90: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe speed dating would be fun?! I might try it..

    I want speed recovery..

    All I know is it does feel good to be dating Bacherlorette style… my ex emailed me.. and I just let him know that circular dating was feeling pretty cool.. and it’s fun to have options..

    (I just have to hug my guilt every now and then and give it a little kiss on the head and say… this is good for u and for them hahaha)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:12am

  91. 91: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Does anyone have any advice on dating ‘shy’ men? I have started seeing an old boyfriend from school in my circular dating, and he is just as shy as ever. He needs to contact me more and let me know how much he really cares I am back in his life or he won’t stay in the picture. I am drawn to shy men, I am not a shy woman. They are often drawn to me too. Wonder why….

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:42am

  92. 92: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey SS…thanks.
    I feel so frustrated.
    This IS about me. It should be about me. Its about my feelings and my thoughts and what I want and what I dont’ want.
    I dont’ want to hear he’s alone there, I don’t want to hear that he doesnt’ have a motorcycle yet.
    I want to talk a bout MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!!!
    I don’t want to be punished for wanting it to be about me.
    This sucks.
    I feel angry.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 5:05am

  93. 93: TrizaNo Gravatar says:

    ….if you’re a woman who thinks badly of herself – you’ll love him more for hurting you. If you think highly of yourself, you’ll think less of him for treating you badly – or even just marginally…..
    You know it finally dawned on me what this really means.Not interlectually because i have been reading posts and comments here for a long time now but i feel a deeper understanding of what it really means to love myself…Its what every date good or bad has been about…more chances for me to love and accept myself.
    Looking at this more deeply leads me to really question how i feel about myself.
    This has opened so much for me and it feels more each day that feeling good about myself is what really lacked.I kept looking out there thinking that the world was wrong in some way and yet i really didn’t know this person that was looking out there.Who is she,what does she want,how does she feel…..
    I feel grateful for this clarity i feel grateful for life and love and all the new things happening for me.It does feel good to venture into this path of self discovery.Hugs!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 5:39am

  94. 94: TrizaNo Gravatar says:

    One consistent feeling i had when dating a man who was not treating me well was feeling bad about nearly everything i did.The situations were just never right.I carried around this unconscious guilt around always feeling bad about myself.I felt so bad about myself and its no wonder i tolerated bad behaviour.That supported how i felt about myself.
    Just knowing this gives me strength to take the baby steps into loving and accepting myself unconditionally.Knowing that i am special loved and adored no matter what feels me with loving acceptance for whatever is happening right now.What more would i need?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 5:53am

  95. 95: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    @ Gina
    For some reason feeling compelled to comment on the George Strait video – maybe because music is so powerful to me.

    One of the reasons some people dislike videos so much is because it can really change the way you interpret a song. That song, “The Chair” I have always found to be quite beautiful and didn’t think it had anything to do with the man singing being a player but just trying to find the right way to approach a woman he wants to meet. Seeing the video, of course, changed that and I am surprised by it. Even more so considering that George Strait and his wife have been married for around 35 years. Silly video.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:11am

  96. 96: KikiNo Gravatar says:

    What if no one ever shows up? Is there a way to simply be OK with that?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:18am

  97. 97: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Circular dating basic training…

    When I’m dating lots of guys, it feels good. I feel good having options and not waiting around or wondering what any particular guy is doing or thinking. I want to be married. I don’t want to be a girlfriend.

    If I hear a guy I’m seeing is seeing someone else, I feel bad. I don’t want to wonder if he likes me. I don’t want to think about what he’s doing.

    I don’t want to explain why I can and a man can’t. That would be “explaining” and “convincing”. Not my business.

    I want to have my cake and eat it too.

    It’s not about feeling fair. It’s about how *I* feel. I honestly don’t want anyone else in my rotation to be dating anyone else. No. I want them all dating just me! And that sort of feels uncomfortable too because now I feel responsible to give them each my time. Interesting.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:32am

  98. 98: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s that post Rori did. I don’t know that I feel the answers from this post though…

    Darn it. I waffle on understanding this. I keep wanting to think about his side and how it must feel for him.

    Blech. Doesn’t matter what he’s thinking. HE thinks different than me. I can’t worry about him.

    Being wrapped up in a relationship without KNOWING it’s moving towards marriage feels horrible. I know this. I know this. I know this.

    Don’t worry about him. If he doesn’t like it, he’ll come get me.

    The key here is not to get into explaining mode when a guy talks about it. I need to remember to get curious about what HE’s thinking. What does being exclusive mean to him? What does he want in a relationship? Will he care for my feelings around this? That it makes me feel safe to date others. That it has nothing to do with what I want with him.

    Argh. I still want to explain.

    It feels bad when a guy is dating others.

    It feels bad when I am dating one man and he’s not stepping up in a 100% way that doesn’t leave me feeling doubtful.

    It feels bad to not know he’s 100%.

    How would I know if he’s 100%?

    If I have a ring on my finger and a wedding date set.

    therefore I can conclude… it feels bad to be with one man if I don’t have a ring on my finger and a wedding date set.

    Phew. Okay, back on track.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:31am

  99. 99: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Another one from Rori on Circular Dating (we can; they can’t)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:40am

  100. 100: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Please take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one’s life.

    I thought these were really good ideas for safety in this sometimes dark world. Another idea not listed here is to take your car keys to bed with you so that if you hear someone downstairs or outside, if you hit the button your car alarm will sound and possibly scare off any unwanted “visitors”. I thought that was a great idea too. ( of course that doesn’t help those of us whose cars are too old to have the key alarms!) Anyway, God Bless You and keep you in His care!


    Because of recent abductions:

    In daylight hours, refresh yourself

    Of these things to do

    In an emergency situation….

    This is for you,

    And for you to share

    With everyone you know!

    After reading these 9 crucial tips,

    Forward them to someone you care about.

    It never hurts to be careful

    In this crazy world we live in.

    1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :

    The elbow is the strongest point

    On your body.

    If you are close enough to use it, do!

    2.. Learned this from a tourist guide.

    If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,


    Toss it away from you…

    Chances are that he is more interested

    In your wallet and/or purse than you,

    And he will go for the wallet/purse.


    3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,

    Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole

    And start waving like crazy..

    The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will.

    This has saved lives.

    4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars

    After shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit

    (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.


    The predator will be watching you, and this

    Is the perfect opportunity for him to get in

    On the passenger side, put a gun to your head,

    And tell you where to go.



    If someone

    Is in the car

    With a gun

    To your head




    Instead gun the engine

    And speed into anything, wrecking the car.

    Your Air Bag will save you.

    If the person is in the back seat

    They will get the worst of it .

    As soon as the car crashes

    Bail out and run.

    It is better than having them find your body

    In a remote location.

    5. A few notes about getting

    Into your car in a parking lot,

    Or parking garage:

    A..) Be aware:

    Look around you,

    Look into your car,

    At the passenger side floor ,

    And in the back seat

    B.) If you are parked next to a big van,

    Enter your car from the passenger door.

    Most serial killers attack their victims

    By pulling them into their vans while the women

    Are attempting to get into their cars.

    C.) Look at the car

    Parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle,

    And the passenger side… If a male is sitting alone

    In the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back

    Into the mall, or work, and get a

    Guard/policeman to walk you back out.

    IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

    6. ALWAYS take the elevator

    Instead of the stairs.

    Stairwells are horrible places to be alone

    And the perfect crime spot.

    This is especially true at NIGHT!)

    7. If the predator has a gun

    And you are not under his control,


    The predator will only hit you (a running target)

    4 in 100 times; and even then,

    It most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.

    RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

    8. As women, we are always trying

    To be sympathetic:


    It may get you raped, or killed.

    Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking,

    Well educated man, who ALWAYS played

    On the sympathies of unsuspecting women.

    He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often

    Asked ‘for help’ into his vehicle or with his vehicle,

    Which is when he abducted
    His next victim.

    9. Another Safety Point:

    Someone just told me that her friend heard

    A crying baby on her porch the night before last,

    And she called the police because it was late

    And she thought it was weird.. The police told her

    ‘Whatever you do, DO NOT

    Open the door..’

    The lady then said that it sounded like the baby

    had crawled near a window, and she was worried

    that it would crawl to the street and get run over.

    The policeman said, ‘We already have a unit on the way,

    whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’

    He told her that they think a serial killer

    has a baby’s cry recorded and uses it to coax

    women out of their homes thinking that someone

    dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it,

    but have had several calls by women saying that

    they hear baby’s cries outside their doors

    when they’re home alone at night..

    10. Water scam!

    If you wake up in the middle
    of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a
    burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your
    outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and
    then attack.

    Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors!

    Please pass this on

    This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because

    the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on

    America ‘s Most Wanted when they profiled

    the serial killer in Louisiana

    I’d like you to forward this to all the women you know.

    It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle..

    I was going to send this to the ‘ladies’ only,

    but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc..,

    you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

    Send this to any woman you know that may need

    to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of ‘crazies’ in it

    and it’s better to be safe than sorry..

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:51am

  101. 101: Tallgirl10No Gravatar says:

    Hey everyone, I have take a few days to calm myself and get on board with a few things of my own.

    So here is the update. I am going to go back to my councelor to work on my self esteem and why only in my dating life I beat myself up so much and go to such a negative place.

    Multidating – I have been asking all my friends if they have someone to set me up with. I will keep pushing. And I will do more circular dating when I am around men.

    I am around all men all the time at work. Any thoughts on how to do that?

    Lastly, text man and I had a nice back and forth by text last week. He kept the convo going and I cut it off. I then left him alone. He called on Tuesday and asked me to go with him to pick out art for his place.

    I will take the advise above and enjoy. I am also planning on asking him how he sees relationships in his life so I have a better sense. Seek to understand and then be understood.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:59am

  102. 102: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:


    Yay! You’re back! You’re going to CD!

    Are you feeling more at peace now that you made your decision? Ir sounds like you’re doing better w/ the textman situation. I hope so!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:19am

  103. 103: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Cake and Eat it Too,

    Thank you for thinking this through.

    You said this: “It feels bad to not know he’s 100%.”

    Did you mean this? “It feels bad to know he’s NOT 100%.”

    You could have been talking either way on that!


    “It’s not about feeling fair. It’s about how *I* feel.”

    This is where it goes gray for me (gray as in muddy…)

    I want all areas in my life to be harmonious.

    I was just talking with someone yesterday about business, and I said I wanted to give some flowers to someone, but I didn’t know if it was DONE in the business world. She said, “if it’s your inclination to do it, it’s the right thing. Business or no business. Everything you do in the different arenas of your life should match.”

    That felt true to me. Looking for flaws, but still feels good.

    If that’s the case, then seeing the grand scheme of things and sort of looking from above, at all the people down below, I think that what I do in my dating life has to be harmonious with what I would do for a stranger out there, or a good friend of mine, or my mother, or my friend’s child…

    In that case, it’s not about how *I* feel. It is about what’s fair.

    What do you think? Where is that line where dating gets to take a departure from what is harmonious? and what is humane?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:24am

  104. 104: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, RE: #83 – Dating shy men…

    Ryan is ultra shy, and I realized too late that I need to lean back extra much with him. I had taught myself to be more outgoing, since I came out of shyness 20+ years ago. So it has been challenging to me to lean back and be more of the wall flower, as Rori says.

    Then he’s still the initiator, but sometimes it takes far longer than developing a relationship with a more confident, mature, bold, masculine man.

    It can be worth the patience tho.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:42am

  105. 105: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, you rock girl, thanks for the advice. There is another man pursuing me too, this circular dating stuff really work. But he is pretty bold in letting me know what he wants (not asking for sex yet). So, I have to find out if one of them is more to my liking. I am sort of outgoing and love to communicate which the second guy brings to the table. The first one is oh so shy but a real sweetheart….I am not sure how to handle this, I guess go by my gut instinct is all. Brenda, where does Rori talk about how to interact with shy men? Thanks again for all your support!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:51am

  106. 106: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea, no, I won’t tell him he’s a bad kisser, but I will tell him I don’t feel attracted and I don’t want a fling.

    I realized this morning that I feel really angry a lot after first or second dates that don’t go well. I’m not sure what that’s about.

    The good news is that I can recognize it as anger. Pre-Rori, I honestly believed that I never got angry at anything. haha at least it feels good to know that I’m normal.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:04am

  107. 107: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I feel confused by your questions.

    Does it feel good to receive what is “fair”? Or am I just accepting it because it’s “fair”? I can already hear my brain saying the words “well that sucks but I’ll go with it because it feels fair to everyone”. Yuck.

    I still want to have my cake and eat it too. Yes, sometimes I settle for part of the cake but that’s not what I really want. I don’t want my “fair” share. I want the whole cake. Right?

    If it felt good to be fair, I wouldn’t own a home or a car or XYZ because not everyone can afford one of those. That wouldn’t be “fair”, would it?

    I feel selfish going too far down this trail. I’ve given so much of myself. I’m going to sell my house soon and live in a small apartment because I want to give more. I want to have more time and money to give.

    It’s okay to feel selfish in certain areas of my life. I feel selfish about the amount of time i spend with my kids. The rest of the world can kiss my butt if they don’t think it’s “fair”.

    Haha! Okay, way too thinky for me. I’m feeling a little angry now.

    I feel tired today. I don’t want to work. I want to go to the pool and sit in the sun for a bit.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:32am

  108. 108: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I think MOST of her material is how to deal with shy men! I say that cuz many men are not comfortable voicing their emotions, and so when the relationship becomes emotional, they withdraw and shut down at the slightest thing. It is this dynamic that I am only now starting to learn how to deal with. It took so long for her principles to sink in, because of my huge social lacks in the past.

    I really got a lot out of Commitment Blueprint! It is packed with information and ideas!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:42am

  109. 109: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been thinking a lot overnight about this issue of circular dating being right for women but not allowed for men. Here is my thought progression, and I feel like I understand that dynamic better now:

    I think what it’s really about is strategy and setting the dynamics of a relationship.

    Traditionally, a man has the upper hand…he can go out and ask women out.
    If a woman plays within her feminine energy, which I’m convince by Rori that she should, she would be at the mercy of if a man asked her out.

    So she tips the scales in her favor by surrounding herself with “suitors”, unwilling to just take the first one who comes along and to be at his mercy.

    I DID that with Ryan, so I understood finally what she meant, after, and ONLY after, it all played out.

    Ryan was trying to see if I’d be true to him and him alone, even without sex. I was. And, I felt really good about it, cuz I liked him that much. But after our second beautiful shore trip (the two happiest days of my life were with him at the shore), things started to go sour. It was up and down, finally crashing and burning with his fake proposal.

    If I had been CDing thru all that, it wouldn’t have hurt me as badly, and he wouldn’t have treated me as badly to begin with. I wouldn’t have overfunctioned, cuz I’d have been busy with other men on MY bridge, not scrambling over to HIS bridge.

    I guess if you carry the analogy of a hunter to its logical end, let’s say Ryan is a hunter chasing a herd of deer. If he sets out to catch 5 of them, he will lose them all. If he targets one, he will lose the others, but he will get one. And, it will take all his focus, skill, and concentration to zero in on one.

    If I look at it in that light, it makes a little sense.

    But then my question still remains how do I communicate that to a man?

    Maybe the answer is I don’t try. Maybe it’s another case of staying on my bridge.

    If he asks, “Does it work both ways?”

    I could coyly say, “I feel surprised to hear you ask that! It would feel so yucky to tell you what to do! But I will say it would feel so good to be your target! To feel all your focus, skill, and concentration zeroing in on me with your cupid’s bow and arrow!

    After all, I would feel so bad if you lost me! (** 😉 wink!**)

    What do you think?”

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:45am

  110. 110: Dan_BrodribbNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – I never understood the why-can-the-woman-CD-but-not-the-guy thing either, but Daria’s explanation in #33 makes sense.

    I share Simply Shannon’s ambivalence in 89-90 too.

    Right now I only date one person at a time. I wasn’t always this way, but lately I’ve found dating more than one person at a time too complicated and stressful. If the woman wants to date other people, that’s her business. I can’t fault her for seeing what else is out there. But if I don’t see signs she’s moving towards commitment with me, I won’t keep calling her.

    I get annoyed when I read advice like “it’s the man’s job to step up” even though I agree with it. I find it easier to ‘step up’ when the woman shows me something of herself that sets her apart in my eyes as someone I WANT to step up to.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:54am

  111. 111: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Will you marry me? :-) (**scandalous giggling!!**)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:56am

  112. 112: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel angry when first and second dates go badly, too. For me, it stems from too many years spent as a nerd magnet cuz I was too nice or from being with loser men who I wasted precious years on.

    Now I am focusing on the best, even tho to some of you it may not appear that way.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:01am

  113. 113: maryNo Gravatar says:


    Hmmmm… I DID sell my house and now i live in a little apartment. i miss my house on the harbour! with the walking path right there! and the street presence so my friends could come for parties… i guess that was giving, too. in a way.

    good questions!

    Thank you for looking up the blog post, and I felt all those same things that I felt the first time I read it. That one was very good.

    Instead of focusing on what’s fair, in dating, it’s probably best to focus on…


    And I’m not good at that. I’m trying to learn, so there you go… no wonder I have so many questions. I’m trying to control everything by understanding it and making a logical plan.

    I’m gonna keep imaging good things that I want in a relationship so i can recognize them when they appear.

    Music Man blew me away with the date on the water the other night. And the conversation after. That was amazing…

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:10am

  114. 114: maryNo Gravatar says:


    Brenda, you’re too funny!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:11am

  115. 115: maryNo Gravatar says:


    If you were dating one of us, you’d have to just drop it, I guess.

    What if you were dating me and I was irresistible to you, but wanted to casually date until there’s a ring on my finger?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:13am

  116. 116: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? is this facebook thing?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:23am

  117. 117: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok I feel so sad with how I have treated date #4 with Family Guy as an imaginary relationship…
    I have moved from feeling so incredibly wonderful, to feeling used like a one-night stand. The last time I did a one-night stand was when I was a young thing and I did it to get my kicks. One night stand with Family Guy was completely mind blowing wonderfulness. So I shall hold on to that wonderfulness and be blessed to have had such am amazing experience. It gives me hope that I am a step closer to the right guy in my life. I am not so happy with how Family Guy has treated me after our evening together. If and when he comes back, I will do some script preparing – I am feeling a sense of understanding about how I want to be treated – that feels good!

    So. I am feeling washes of sadness. Washing over me like a shower. I like standing in the shower. That feels like washing away – watching sad feelings go down the drain. Getting to fresh and whole and bright.

    Ha Ha, I signed up for speed dating – LOL! that will be hysterical – it is in July.

    I am going to cancel myself off of POF. It makes me sick.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:26am

  118. 118: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – I say this tongue in cheek, but I’ve actually been liking when the first or second date don’t go anywhere. It keeps me from dealing with the harder questions like, “why can’t men continue to date other women?” Lol I say it jokingly, but I know there’s truth to it.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:29am

  119. 119: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I believe it’s so important to get to know someone over time. I’d enjoy breaking down to you Ryan’s most unique style of dating.

    He “plotted and schemed” in order to see me in different situations, with different kinds of people (especially other men, of course!). He spent many, many hours cuddling and having pillow talk, asking deep soul questions about my beliefs, feelings, behavior, relational style, identity. I enjoyed it, cuz it felt so good to have his attention, and to feel thoroughly understood for the first time in my life. Some people would have felt threatened by it, I’m sure.

    That’s why I believe it’s important to know someone, really KNOW someone, over an extended period of time. LIke they said last night on the blog, anyone can quote poetry. But it’s actions and long term commitment and all that that prove in the long term what a man is really made of. I have observed many, many relationships, and what I see as the common trend in the ones that fail is this…

    “I had no idea he was like that. I never would have guessed he would have done something like that when I married him. I guess you never really know who you marry. I wish I had taken more time to get to know him. He hid his true self until after we married.”

    I’ve heard all those comments and more. And where my logic takes that is to ask, “If you had known Tiger Woods was going to cheat on you with multiple women, would you have married him? If you had known your husband was gay, whould you have married him? If you had known your husband was going to slam your hand in a door and drag you around by your pony tail and threaten to throw you down the steps, would you have married him? If you had known your husband was going to try to establish mind control over you and make you his unknowing, willing slave, would you marry him (that was me with Ryan)? If you had known your husband was going to fall in love with Angelina Jolie while they were filming, would you have married him? If you had known your husband was so shallow and afraid of sharing his deep truth, would you have married him?

    Of course I could go on and on. After knowing the deep, deep heart pain of Ryan, when I thot I knew him, I have determined that before I ever commit myself to a man again, I am going to know that I know that I know all those answers in my heart. The rest of your life is a long time to spend with a man who lets you down and leaves you hurting and lonely.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:31am

  120. 120: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I feel excited to sell my house and see what happens. I feel tied down by all my “stuff”. I’m ready to let go of it all and just live a more carefree life. One where I don’t feel stuck. Working so hard to pay the bills to have a place to put more stuff. I’m over it. :-)

    I feel happy that you’re going with your feelings. Who knows. Maybe I’ll change my mind again. I sort of experimented with Mr. Fab Kisser and in the end, it didn’t work out so well. I believe I would have been happy WITH him if I had been dating other men. Sounds weird, but dating other men is truly about keeping ME sane. It’s really not about me dating to find someone else “better”.

    Dan: I feel surprised. I learned something new today. When I read your comment about ambivalence, I felt weird. I assumed that meant you thought I didn’t care. Well… I googled ambivalence. It means conflicted, like “love/hate” or unable to decide, like waffling between two things. I feel a little embarrassed that I did not know that and I was assuming something that wasn’t true. Thank you for using that word. :-)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:32am

  121. 121: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel angry because it doesn’t go anywhere. I just feel angry around first or second date time. I even felt angry around that time with #1CD, who I’m really liking a lot, and who I feel really good with.

    Maybe something happened in my past that I’ve stuffed down around first or second date time, I’m not sure. I have had some horrendous first dates – some even scary – so maybe that’s it.

    Or maybe there’s a space before intimacy begins that is really uncomfortable for me, and it manifests itself as anger.

    hmmm… I don’t know, but I do know that they’re uncomfortable for me, and I don’t want to go on many more.

    My CD rotation has dried up. If I’m counting, I probably have dated 30 men in the last 6 months. And 1 is left. Ugh, I don’t know if I have the energy to rev back up again! They have to come to me, I’m not doing any work.

    I’ll remain open, but I’m not going to actively seek them anymore. It’ll be up to God to send them to me if that’s what’s good for me. :-)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:55am

  122. 122: maryNo Gravatar says:

    simply shannon,

    i do love the simplicity. and i’m going through the last vestiges of stuff that’s been in storage.

    it does feel freeing and wonderful to be divested. and it leaves room for spontaneity with people.

    my stuff was killing me. i don’t know how to explain it. wow! sounds like you understand.

    i did buy a really nice car though. very zippy.


    your comments always carry a hint of grace. i love reading them.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:01am

  123. 123: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel curious to know how you feel about what I wrote in #101 about circular dating only working one way…care to comment?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:04am

  124. 124: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, The hunter analogy was the one that popped up in my mind too. Lion is focused on one deer and the deer is focused on all of the lions. And I LOVED this…

    I could coyly say, “I feel surprised to hear you ask that! It would feel so yucky to tell you what to do! But I will say it would feel so good to be your target! To feel all your focus, skill, and concentration zeroing in on me with your cupid’s bow and arrow!

    After all, I would feel so bad if you lost me! (** 😉 wink!**)

    It’s like a tennis match. He lobs one to me and I slam it right back with a grin. No need to stay stuck on this topic explaining it. Simply “No, I feel better keeping my options open. what do you think?”

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:24am

  125. 125: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you for your feedback! So when I look at it thru this analogy, I don’t see it as selfish. I see it as leveling the playing field. He wants deer for dinner? He better learn to single out one deer, or he gonna go hungry!! I want cupid’s bow and arrow to target me? I better be flashing my smile at ALL the lovely lions, and may the best lion win!

    Do you know how to gauge when to let him take over our rotation? Like Rori says to treat all men equally, even if you like one more than the others. Yet we are talking about encouraging him to step up and show us his is the best roar. What if we’ve known him a week or two, and he wants to book us every single night? Do we allow him, assuming we are attracted?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:31am

  126. 126: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    It was our marriage talk with our families together that is happening this weekend.

    Yesterday I felt drowsy and losing my balance, about to faint several times I think. When I went to bed at 1 am, thoughts were running through my head. What if I black out and they take me to the hospital, they’ll call him. What will he be thinking? What if I die? I’ll be sad never knowing if we actually got together on our last day or if that really was our last. Thinking how I may never hear his words and plan and never telling him my last words, I got really scared. Then I had a sudden thought of what if he dies? God, it scared and saddened me.

    Right at that moment my phone flashed and vibrated. He was texting me. He didn’t reply to me yesterday evening because he needed to get sleep before turning himself in to court/jail (car with no insurance). We talked a bit and since he might still be in jail when we have our family talk, I decided to ask him if the wedding talk was still on or off. I actually didn’t want to ask, but situation called for it. He said “on, why?” I thought he mispelled no. I was scared to even look at his response in case he said no/off.

    He confirmed it’s on.
    I said I asked because I didnt know what is going on between us and he might be in jail.
    He said “baby we are dating ok? and I love you.”
    That rose the content in my heart to lots of happiness and a smile on my face!

    I still dont know if he told me to meet him the other day because he wanted to get back, or if it was because of me, or because we just got over the fight eventually.

    But I’m glad things are fine now! :)

    Have anyone read Intimate Communion by David Deida?
    I think I am Stage 3: Passionate/Intimate communion
    Stage 1 is Dependent Relationship
    Stage 2 is 50/50 Relationship

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:12pm

  127. 127: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh… i feel tightened up and uncomfortable

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:25pm

  128. 128: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kismet – I feel afraid reading your posts. It sounds like he has all the power in the relationship… you’re hoping and waiting for him, etc… he sounds like a good guy

    I feel worried that your relationship won’t hold out if you keep letting him have all the power – we women have all the power in the relationship

    it sounds like your thoughts are all dramatic “last day” etc, and he’s taking it casually … but pulling back some…

    i would feel so much happier to hear you talking about how you are feeling confident in yourself, and you’ve told him certain things feel bad, and you’re leaning back and letting him contact you – like this text
    i feel SO triggered

    I’ve seen ohter relationships break up when the woman is pregnant, because of neediness

    I feel afraid MYSELF that if I were to get close to a man to the point of having his baby I would “lose all control” and get overdramatic and not respect him with my words by leaning forward and using the tools

    I did this over the weekend with Dman, i gave him attitude and overdramatized taht “you call my girl everyday” … and then later he called me and thought he was calling his babymama and i said no this is not her and rolled my eyes in my tone and hung up

    ok i felt mad, and i communicated that, but the WAY i communicated it, though it felt fun a lil, was OLD way, not way that invites intimacy.


    he hasnt called me since

    oh well i feel mad at him

    see the “oh well” = defense


    i feel tightenede up and hunkered down right now


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:32pm

  129. 129: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not waiting and hoping anymore. It doesn’t matter to me anymore because I know I can do without him, and I have what it takes to make it. I’m over the fears and scared stage because I’m too tired to care, it’s me and the baby first. But I do have to admit that I do give him a bit more of the power.

    Just that it is even better when we are together. What I mean by “last day” is referring to that day and not knowing what really went on. I know the way say it must seem dramatic, but sometimes we need to face the truth of how it would feel if we died and didn’t do/say what we wanted. When you see things this way, is not desperate, it is true to your heart with real intent. I knew that by us seeing eachother after our breakup, we would see the love is still there, the emotions still there and the fight so little compared to us. Fights are worse when they’re not in person, seeing each other would clear up that muddiness. But I did not expect us to get together, I was totally ready to just say my parting and move on. I guess he felt my truth even in my text that’s why the mood shifted and he wanted me to see him? He’s the type that breaks up and says sorry about the fight and comes back. But I was intent on letting him go forever. When I feel that way, things no longer hurt or bother me.

    I do feel pretty confident and content, unbothered because I know things will be fine, and today I’m back to my original awesome feeling self–in some ways because we’re back together, and the rest is just my siren energy! :)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:46pm

  130. 130: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    I think I had the power when I messaged him our break up/letting go song and he knew I was serious and thus the dynamic shifted.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 12:48pm

  131. 131: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I kinda don’t even really want him anymore, but I do miss all those amazing feelings I felt when he wanted ME.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:01pm

  132. 132: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: It feels interesting that you mentioned “rolled your eyes with your tone”. I heard someone speaking over the weekend (was it church? I can’t remember). Anyhoo. There was a man who said he could predict with some certainty the couples that would stay together and ones that would get divorced. He said if he saw them rolling their eyes at each other they would likely split at some point.

    I thought about that one because a) I rolled my eyes with my ex a lot and b) one of my sons started rolling his eyes, and I’ve made a very conscious effort to NOT do that anymore.

    Rolling my eyes means I don’t respect what I’m hearing. I KNOW I didn’t respect my ex. For a man, respect = love. I bet it was easy for him to see how much I loved him. I feel sad thinking about that.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:05pm

  133. 133: kismetNo Gravatar says:

    Leaning back = Reverse Psychology

    Hmm lol. reverse psychology works!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:05pm

  134. 134: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    A long time ago I started seeing a psychologist. He rolled his eyes and I felt so emotionally unsafe after that. A few weeks later I quit going to see him. We just weren’t on the same page.

    Teddy Bears don’t roll their eyes. They just love and accept unconditionally.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:16pm

  135. 135: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – that is profound! That’s what I always missed too. Once I remembered that, it was easier to say “Next!” Because I could ask myself if I truly missed him the way he is & if I thought it would ever go back to the way it was. The answer was always “No…” So the logical conclusion is, “ok then, NEXT!” I’d forgotten about that lovely trick.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:24pm

  136. 136: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, I’ve been listening to Rori Raye’s CD programs for a few weeks now (Modern Siren, Commitment Blueprint, Have the Relationship You Want).

    I was dating just one man but now I’m dating two others. The first man, “Butch”, was making promises and not keeping them. Like he’d ask me if I want to take dance lessons with him then never follow thru, even when I left a flyer out under his nose about dance lessons. He said he was going to write a song about me but never did. I don’t know if he’s just leading me on or if he’s got ADHD! He’s just all talk and little action. So I decided to try circular dating to see if he would treat me with more value. Is there anything else I can do? I really love him and don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to be treated like I’m anything less than a princess.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:29pm

  137. 137: JNETNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the great read. I’ve never watched the Good Wife. I’ve never owned a television for that matter… life keeps me plenty busy :)

    And I relate to the character’s creating a good life for herself and in that space someone saying hello makes life interesting.

    Poetry is the easy part and planning is not. I’ve ended phone calls with the request to “show me your plan”.

    That request makes intentions crystal clear… and the journey toward love much more interesting.

    Thanks again for the great read.


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:37pm

  138. 138: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Every mistake you and I make with men are
    mistakes we’ve been TAUGHT are the right things
    to do!

    And they’re the mistakes that men ENCOURAGE us
    to make – even DARE us to make.

    Men are USED to women making these mistakes,
    and they’re only too happy to let us make them
    over and over because they make things easy for

    These are the mistakes that make it easier for
    a man to avoid intimacy and responsibility, and
    they make him feel good in the moment.”


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:46pm

  139. 139: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “But the truth is – these mistakes men
    encourage us to make don’t make a man feel better
    in the LONG TERM.”

    this reminds me of Mary’s questioning of men’s feelings…

    a man feels better in the long term when he fights/WORKS HARD/ completes a challenge

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:47pm

  140. 140: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Most of the mistakes we make with men look
    like this:

    We believe we have to:

    find a man
    approach him,
    get him talking
    interest him
    get him to call,
    show him we’re independent
    meet him halfway about everything
    tell him where we want to go on dates
    make plans
    schedule everything
    drive ourselves
    be understanding
    make time for him,
    tell him what we want and pretty much keep things
    going by DOING something.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:49pm

  141. 141: DariaNo Gravatar says:







    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:50pm

  142. 142: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Right on, Daria!

    I just wanna sit naked on a big rock near the shore of Siren Island and smile at the passing ships! Let them crash their ships to cum to me! **giggles!!**

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 1:55pm

  143. 143: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria – I am buying into that any more – I love the change by leaning-back.
    I signed-up for speed dating the first week in July – I am going to practice the whole thing – I need some good questions for my 10 minutes with each of the 10 dudes. This could be over the top amusing!!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:01pm

  144. 144: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    siren ladies – I need questions for my 10 speed-date-dudes – bring on your very best….lets really have a blast with this…

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:02pm

  145. 145: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Many years ago that “rolling eyes” topic came up on an Oprah show, too. That particular episode featured a marriage/relationship counselor* who had been videotaping the couples he worked with so that he could corroborate their non-verbal communication with their progress (or lack of it) in therapy. He also said that the eye rolling was an indicator of relationships that were likely to dissolve. However, he posited that the gesture signalled contempt for the other person; hence, the reason that the relationship would be more difficult (if not impossible) to revive.

    *Note: I think the counselor was Harville Hendrix, PhD, but I haven’t waded through the Oprah show archives to confirm.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:12pm

  146. 146: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    1. What do you think about as you fall asleep?
    2. What was your favorite dream ever?
    3. How do you handle it when a woman cries out of sadness?
    4. If you had one day left to live, what would you do with it?
    5. When you want to make love with your lady, how does it begin?
    6. When you are making love, when does it end?
    7. If you were driving down the road on the coldest day of the year and saw an injured, live kitten, what would you do?
    8. If you were having a controversial discussion with your lady, and she said, “I feel unheard”, what would you do or say?
    9. What is your favorite type of movie?
    10. What is your favorite type of music?
    11. What is your favorite free-time activity on a weekend?
    12. If we were on a date on the boardwalk, and you saw a hot chick walking towards us in a bikini, what would you do?
    13. If we were on a date on the boardwalk, and I saw a hot chick walking towards us in a bikini, what would you hope I would do?
    14. How would you handle it if we were walking up a steep, long hill, and I was just getting over an injury, and I asked you if you would please carry my purse?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:19pm

  147. 147: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Brenda, some of those are just hillarious! Gee, I just might have far more effective dates if I asked some of your questions – I go sooooo deep….

    – what is really important to you in life?
    – what influenced you the most from your childhood?
    – what is/was your father like?
    – what was the most spontaneous thing you have done in the last 5 years?
    – if you had 50 million dollars what would you do with it?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:30pm

  148. 148: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel a little concerned about the safety tips…i don’t agree with some of that advice.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:31pm

  149. 149: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I like your questions, IF a guy would actually GO deep. But would he? Or would he say something like…

    – what is really important to you in life?
    – what influenced you the most from your childhood?
    My parents
    – what is/was your father like?
    He was loving
    – what was the most spontaneous thing you have done in the last 5 years?
    Drove to the casino in the middle of the night
    – if you had 50 million dollars what would you do with it?
    Buy a house and a yacht and travel around the world

    I was trying to think of questions that looked surfacey but would actually tell me a great deal about a man…his values, his level of respect for women, if he’s other-centered…

    I thot of scenarios I have faced when dating when I felt really disappointed in a man…and turned them into questions. I have fun with this sort of thing. I want to do speed dating now! LOL!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:35pm

  150. 150: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, not saying you have to do it this way, but when I went speed dating a couple months ago, I didn’t prepare any questions.

    I showed up looking and smelling great, leaned back in my chair and smiled at each guy as they came to sit down. Then I waited for them to speak first, which was actually fun and totally drilled the Siren thing into my brain and body. Finally, I let them each drive the convo, and just talked about what they wanted to talk about. And all I focused on was responding to them using feeling messages.

    It felt really fun, I got 3 offers for dates afterwards, and heard many times that I was super easy to talk to.

    I went home feeling diva-ish!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:35pm

  151. 151: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Why don’t you agree with some? I feel curious.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:35pm

  152. 152: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    That’s awesome! I really like that! I thought you had to ask questions.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:38pm

  153. 153: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea — I don’t want to be a downer, but I feel agreement with Siena’s concern about being wary of this guy — at least for a little while longer.

    We tend to forget the availability of this information to everyone — not just women. It seems to me that a true “player” would also be checking out resources such as The Rules or Rori’s blog or Paige Parker’s forum or any other number of women’s relationship advice sites. That way, he already knows what you’re going to ask for before you do it.

    I hope we’re very wrong. I’d be tickled pink if he ultimately turns out to be as good as he appears.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:40pm

  154. 154: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Brilliant Siena! Indeed I am doing this to practice being a total siren diva! This will be an outstanding exercise in leaning back. Oh I am so excited to do this now! LOL!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:40pm

  155. 155: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Naw, I say let the men do all the hard work of trying to figure out what to talk about.

    Haha I’m remembering now that I didn’t even say ‘hi’ as they sat down, fumbled with their drink and chair and whatever. I literally just sat there smiling until they opened up the convo with something. Talk about feeling powerful!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:43pm

  156. 156: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Is this weird or what?

    Hello Jack!

    It feels good to receive your email! You look like a real decent man, inside and out!

    What kind of Native American are you? I’m part Blackfoot, and that is my favorite part of my ethnicity! I have always felt part of nature, and I love animals! I see you have a dog…what kind? I feel curious about the “green party” in politics…I never heard of that!

    Have a wonderful Jesus day!


    Jack said:

    how are you doing today i think you are doing great, nice hear from you, well im honest man i keep it real with woman when it come to relationship i hate people that lie ,if you have yahoo im you can give me so i we add you that , so we can talk better….

    Hi Jack!
    I feel so relaxed sitting here at my computer listening to the Delilah Show! I feel happy you emailed me! I also value realness and honesty. Sorry, I am not really into IMing.
    I’m signing off now….

    Jack said:



    Hello Jack,
    I am a document specialist at a pharmaceutical company. Basically, I edit and format documents in MS Word. I don’t have any children. I live with my two German Shepherds and two cats. How about you? I love to travel! I took a really fun vacation last year to North Carolina, and I really look forward to relaxing at the shore this summer! I might even go for a day this weekend!
    Have a great day!

    hello brenda
    how are you doing today i think you are doing great ,,,my question for you is that ,are you read for serious relationship just want to know becos im tire of being alone, I try to put this feeling into words, but fail miserably. This feeling of being both scared and at peace, of having both butterflies and a sense of calm, is a feeling that I have only dreamed about. As the days continue to pass, my love for you continues to grow. I never thought I had the capacity to love anybody as much as I love you right now. Yet, my love for you continues to mature, growing beyond the realm of my heart. It seems that you have become the fiber of my soul, the very reason for my existence…… i do think about you everytime


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:44pm

  157. 157: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Is this weird or what??

    Hello Jack!

    It feels good to receive your email! You look like a real decent man, inside and out!

    What kind of Native American are you? I’m part Blackfoot, and that is my favorite part of my ethnicity! I have always felt part of nature, and I love animals! I see you have a dog…what kind? I feel curious about the “green party” in politics…I never heard of that!

    Have a wonderful J*sus day!


    Jack said:

    how are you doing today i think you are doing great, nice hear from you, well im honest man i keep it real with woman when it come to relationship i hate people that lie ,if you have yahoo im you can give me so i we add you that , so we can talk better….

    Hi Jack!
    I feel so relaxed sitting here at my computer listening to the Delilah Show! I feel happy you emailed me! I also value realness and honesty. Sorry, I am not really into IMing.
    I’m signing off now….

    Jack said:



    Hello Jack,
    I am a document specialist at a pharmaceutical company. Basically, I edit and format documents in MS Word. I don’t have any children. I live with my two German Shepherds and two cats. How about you? I love to travel! I took a really fun vacation last year to North Carolina, and I really look forward to relaxing at the shore this summer! I might even go for a day this weekend!
    Have a great day!

    hello brenda
    how are you doing today i think you are doing great ,,,my question for you is that ,are you read for serious relationship just want to know becos im tire of being alone, I try to put this feeling into words, but fail miserably. This feeling of being both scared and at peace, of having both butterflies and a sense of calm, is a feeling that I have only dreamed about. As the days continue to pass, my love for you continues to grow. I never thought I had the capacity to love anybody as much as I love you right now. Yet, my love for you continues to mature, growing beyond the realm of my heart. It seems that you have become the fiber of my soul, the very reason for my existence…… i do think about you everytime


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:44pm

  158. 158: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I wouldn’t have thought speed dating was fun, but when I approached it as Siren practice, it was a blast! Have fun Lizzie!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:47pm

  159. 159: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    How about this conversation? Bill’s been back from a 2 week cruise since Monday. This is the first time he’s really been personable with me since he’s been back….anyone care to critique this for me? Please understand, we are both burned out at our jobs…

    Bill: Hi Brenda – here is a re-write on 163.

    I hope all is going well over there!

    Brenda: Thank you! I feel all cuddly embracing such words as “alum adsorbed”, standard deviation”, and “monoclonal”. The depth of these documents just move my soul to tears of joy!

    Bill: Hehe – hey –

    What’s the standard deviation of the results you obtained from your alum absorbed IgG2a monoclonal antibody in the last HPV qualification?

    See – I made a sentence!

    Brenda: It’s “s”, which stands for stupid, sanity-challenging, sickening

    Bill: Hehe – you speaka my language!

    Brenda: !@#$%*!@#$%*!@#$%* :-)

    Bill: That was bad…. Really bad!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:49pm

  160. 160: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Run far far away Brenda. FAR!!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:50pm

  161. 161: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yay tallgirl is here

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:51pm

  162. 162: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    And Bill sounds cute 😉 Jack sounds psycho

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:52pm

  163. 163: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you! I thot so too! Like whaaaaat?? He barely answered any of my questions. We’ve been in contact for well, this is Day 3! And he’s falling in love??? Either he’s a total player or he’s psycho. I mean, we haven’t even talked on the phone yet!

    Can you suggest how to respond? I know “I feel weird” will definitely be part of my response!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:55pm

  164. 164: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Was Bill just joking when he said, “That was bad! Really bad!”?

    I felt so proud of myself that I let him be the last to respond! New skill for overfunctioning Brenda!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:56pm

  165. 165: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Welcome back! I love you!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:57pm

  166. 166: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda there’s nothing to critique. now you just lean back. 😀 how easy is that!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:58pm

  167. 167: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    If you HAVE to respond because it would make you feel good to practice feeling messages I would say.

    Oh yuck, Jack. Your email feels way over the top to me, and I don’t feel comfortable continuing our correspondence. Best of luck.

    …but I would probably just delete his stuff, and hide myself from him if at all possible. I don’t think he’s a player, I think he’s crazy and that feels scary to me. For safety, I would stay away.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 2:59pm

  168. 168: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Run Brenda, Run. See Brenda Run. Bad man. See bad man stand with mouth hanging open….
    I thought I only found guys like that… I should dig out some of the ones I kept for amuzement. Oh bad, bad, bad, lizzie….

    Bill might have possibilities – do you actually know him?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:03pm

  169. 169: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea and Siena,

    Thank you both!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:03pm

  170. 170: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you for your input! Bill is a coworker. Technically, he’s not my supervisor. But in a way he is. He’s a senior scientist, and I am doing a long-term project with him revising a set of documents. He works in a different building (3 minute walk). I see him now and then, but most of our contact is thru company email or IM.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:04pm

  171. 171: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Bad, bad Lizzie,

    I want to hear your toxic man stuff you saved! LOL!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:05pm

  172. 172: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh this is so awful:

    second email from the guy:
    How was your night? hope you had a great sleep right?any way I love to know you more and more from good and healthy communication like this and precisely something wonderful can come out from this so then I believe we can keep on communicating gradually with each other in other to see what happens from here, You really have a wonderful heart and I would do love to know you well in other to see the wonderful things that could come out from this little communication we have both decided to well I don’t really have much to say…
    Relationship is something wonderful we have all be willing to do, buts is unfortunate we cannot meet our rightful age mostly more closer but I don’t think all is over I believe if we can peruse something long as well too we could go more closer I guess, lets just take our time to see what can happen from here and I believe we can reach somewhere okay, I would love to communicate with you much and everyday since I love the way you presented matters, you seems really sweet and I believe something nice is around here we can both make good use to right.
    Now in my life I believe relationship is like a train. If one passes, then the next one will come. I’m sure and if you get off the train, you’ll realize that everything is the same. so though as Birds are entangled by their feet Man are by the tongue so its up to we the Woman to know how to treate the Man to make Man understand they are equal like we, I just need someone I can open up entirely in communication and in physical with, just to make the wonderful hearted person realize she is like me, in my relationship with that wonderful person, I wish to make Him understand he views are accepted, the way he thinks and behaves are really welcome, I would love to always be closer to him and play with him, cook with him or for him sometimes, do early morning jogging with him, talk to him at length and to fight with him sometimes lol besides understanding each other sometimes and mostly all the time is the main foundation of the relationship and that is something we should try to test our faith I guess…
    I am open to the woman who is ready to access me and my fault since am not an Angel and to like me and love me as I will do the same in return, I believe though its hard to come close to someone nice in heart but I know for real that there are still some wonderfully born nice people around this world still though there are too much hurts now, I know to find that pretty somebody soon, and the bases is just a good and healthy communication, so am ready and willing to see where this leads to and I believe it will happened very soon. I need that wonderful friend, someone who can talk to me to make me feel at home.
    Sometimes I wonder why bad people comes into our lives, any way I sometimes also believes that people come into our lives and walk with us a mile, and then because of circumstance they only stay a while. They serve a need within the days that move so quickly by, and then are gone beyond our reach,I often wonder why. Don’t you think its strange? But now in my life I hope to meet that wonderful person who can really feel the vacuum, I am in need now of real wonderful love and I believe every one on the site we met is willing to meet his or her true love, I believe we can communicate to see if we can come closer to that then okay.
    I am in need of a good friend because mostly a friendship is sweet when it’s new,Sweeter even more when it’s true.But it is sweetest when the friend is someone you can also fall in love with since it makes the relationship more communicable and more wonderful since you will always be happy since you can talk any how and he or she will understand you perfectly how I wish I meet my wonderful queen soon, any way lets see what lies ahead of us we could be happy someday soon right? I believe friends are like diamonds and they are rare and very precious. So I will like to treat the friend I meet her carefully and lovingly and keep her safe in my heart so I ‘ll never lose her in other for her to be my babe forever since I cannot start searching for love again once I found her.
    I think I have to leave you now and talk to you later take good care of your self there and have it in mind someone nice in heart thinking about you and care about you for real.
    Charlot writes with caring heart to you.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:13pm

  173. 173: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Mostly what worried me is this one:

    “1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
    The elbow is the strongest point
    On your body.
    If you are close enough to use it, do!”

    I don’t recommend engaging in combat lol. If you are to choose between trying to hurt an attacker or run, RUN! Anyway, the knee is actually the strongest point, and it’s much easier to control where that lands.

    also, the heel of your hand to the tip and underside of an assailant’s nose will be very effective…but it could very well KILL them.

    other advice for women’s self defense in dangerous situations i’d feel good adding is don’t take out weapons or protection except to immediately use it. brandishing it or showing it to discourage an attacker or robber really only gives that person time to take it from you and use it against you. So if you’re gonna pull out the pepper spray, you better use it the second you pull it out.

    if you are being seriously attacked and are trying to hit your way out of it, if you can hold something blunt or heavy like a rock in your hand while punching, you’ll hit a lot harder.

    if you get grabbed from behind, take the side of your foot or your heel and grind it down their shin as hard as you can. OUCH. If you need more OOMPH after this, consider using the elbow (this really does take practice though) then turn around and take your hand’s heel to their nose. Again, this might kill them. Just a warning. Sometimes you can just go for their shin, and then take a knee to their crotch and run. Kicking with your foot might turn into you getting your foot grabbed and you’re trapped.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:13pm

  174. 174: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie – I have to chime in here. that e-mail feels so ick to me. yikes…

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:24pm

  175. 175: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s the continuing story…

    Brenda: Oh yuck, Jack. I feel weirded out. Your email feels way over the top to me, and I don’t feel comfortable continuing our correspondence. Best of luck.

    Jack: hello i think you are here …..did you have yahoo im so we can chat on that .if you do give so i we add you on that so we can talk better

    I already told him I don’t IM last night. I just told him bye bye. I got my feeling message practice in.

    Trust me, I will NOT contact him again!!! I feel almost shocked!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:29pm

  176. 176: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    oh yeah he’s a crazy… lol.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:35pm

  177. 177: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Your email feels ick to me, too. Something off there.

    A friend of mine was getting comparable emails for a while, and she kept up the correspondence to see where it would lead. He turned out to be a scammer who was trying to get women to send him money. It became an apparent pattern that he was copying and pasting flowery-sounding words. His all had poor grammar and spelling like this…he was from Africa. I know you can’t stereotype, but something feels off with this. And, I have FINALLY! learned to trust my intuition!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:37pm

  178. 178: Dan_BrodribbNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda (re: 103) – Is this the part where I’m supposed to lean back? :) I can never remember.

    Just teasing. I WOULD have to get my girlfriend’s permission before I marry someone else. She’s funny like that :)

    Mary – (re 107) we’d talk about it and see how we felt. And if we found ourselves on different pages we’d each have to decide what was most important to us.

    Shannon – Ambivalence is one of my favorite words. ‘Ziggurat’ is another favorite,though that one I almost never get to say.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:39pm

  179. 179: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    LOL! Thanks for being a good sport! I always like to practice on my leaning back and feeling message skills (ie, like I did in #103)! :-)

    Just let me know what your girlfriend decides. I really like your looks! We could marry this Saturday!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:43pm

  180. 180: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I agree – I think there are some serious scammers on the dating sites. They post these really hadsome photos and do all the gushy stuff…I am a widow….bla bla bla. When I get them, I send them around to all my dating friends – the men ones. They have the best reactions! Because real men seem to do these kind of emails:

    “OK see you tomorrow at 5:PM. Call me if you need anything.”
    “I like your style”
    “How flexible are you for getting together on Monday?”
    “Fore! How about Friday?”
    “thanks babes”
    “that was nice”

    It just makes me laugh. Now if I get much more than one sentence from a guy – I am real suspicious!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:44pm

  181. 181: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan – Hi lady! Nice to see you here again! I hope all is well with you.
    Re:#142, thank you for your well wishes & your cautionary.. Please know that I’m taking your advice as well as Siena’s under advisement. please know that I am a street smart girl who’s avoided players thus far in life. I can spot them a mile away. I’m listening to any cautionary statements I get here & if anyone else I would like to submit one, I’m all ears. Since I am practicing opening up & learning new skills, I’m not saying that it’s impossible that a player might sneak by me now. I’ve been watching for it since date 1 with this guy & I’m not seeing any indication. If he is a player, he’s the worst one I’ve ever seen, because his profile is the opposite of “smooth.” But, I’m still detached from the outcome. I’m just leaning back here to see what’s going to happen next.
    If he ends up being another practice guy, so be it. What I’m needing from you Sirens, is to know about the next step. The “no girlfriend” speech and what to do about booking dates. Like I said, this guy is stepping up & would take me out every night if I would let him. Yes, I’m going to continue to CD. Until I have a ring on my finger, just like I told him. But if he’s booking me before everyone else, do I turn him down? Or do I accept & just book my other dates further out?
    Thank all of you for pitching in on the why we can CD but they can’t question.
    In the meantime, if anyone can help me out with these other questions, I would really appreciate it. In fact, I’m begging here,… HELP!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 3:55pm

  182. 182: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My guess at Jack’s email –

    that was a poem he had written before… and he’s talking about how he WANTS his relationship to be, not how he feels right now.

    i still feel turned off to get a pre written non time appropriate poem

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:08pm

  183. 183: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea –

    I would let him book all he wants.. thats what a man is SUpposed to do to step up.


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:14pm

  184. 184: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – interesting. I had the same thought – that Jack’s email was a poem or quote or something.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:15pm

  185. 185: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria – That’s what I was thinking, that Rori says somewhere to let him step up, but I couldn’t find where I read it.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:19pm

  186. 186: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the positive feedback, Sweetpea — that feels good. :)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 4:45pm

  187. 187: maryNo Gravatar says:



    your marriage talk with your families, and he’s saying, “we’re dating?” he’s living in a dream world, eh?

    i feel amazed and thrilled by your courage! and your little sweet baby will be so blessed to have you for a mother!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 5:46pm

  188. 188: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea: This is where it’s important to go with my feelings. If he asks me out for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and I feel hesitant or want to do something else (or I start to feel overwhelmed that I’m seeing him so much), then maybe you say “no but how about some other time?”

    I personally don’t like to plan too far ahead. It leaves out all options for spontaneity.

    And it’s important to schedule things that are important to me too. So I’m not all sucked up in being with him. Ya know?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 5:53pm

  189. 189: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Dan: I feel smiley. Ziggurat? Never heard of that one either. I looked it up of course. Wikipedia suggested that I recruit an expert to verify the definition. Are you an expert? 😉

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:00pm

  190. 190: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    My son and I studied ziggurats when I homeschooled him a few years ago.

    I feel smiley at Shannon and Brenda flirting with Dan.

    Hey, Rori said in a recent post that if a guy has a “girlfriend” he’s still up for grabs. 😉

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:04pm

  191. 191: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i was out shopping this evening and i was thinking about you. yes, YOU, goddesslady. i feel so good and comforted and high seeing your using those great feeling messages with bill

    it gives me chills. it’s sooooo sireny the way you just focus on how you feel, it feels sexy as hell to me in an authentic, subtle way.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:24pm

  192. 192: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    shannon – ziggurat is the babylonian word for iced tea, of course. though some linguists disagree and say it is actually an adjective to describe peanut butter.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:26pm

  193. 193: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    LOL! Dorothea, you funny.

    Once when I was playing Balderdash, I got the word Bagnut. I can’t remember the real definition.

    My definition was…

    “Pronounced Bah-Nu, a French pastry”.

    EVERYONE picked my definition. I still laugh about that one. Bahhh-Nuuu. Hahahaha!

    And I’m from the South so you can imagine the other definitions used for Bag-Nut. Quite hilarious. :-)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:38pm

  194. 194: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia #81…I’ve been wondering the exact same thing..if I’m going to end up settling on one of the nicey’s even though I’m not really attracted physically.

    I totally made someone up in my head…I was talking to this guy for about 4 or 5 days before we met and I was feeling so good about it and then when I saw him it was like a whole new person. I went to bed actually missing the guy I made up…WOW! He was perfect. But in real life I just didn’t feel a thing.

    On a different note…I got a message last night from my bosses bosses boss that I’ve known for about 5yrs and I am very attracted to and I’m wondering how in the hell I’m going to be able to act normal and treat him the same as all the others!! 😉

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:42pm

  195. 195: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    peanut butter – the sensuous food of the world…I love peanut butter….

    I was going to take myself off POF tonight but when I logged on, two cuties popped up and I sent them a message and what do you know…they both responded. I am in hide mode though. I am still miffed over creating a phantom relationship with Family Guy – jeeeeze -any way, I am feeling more content that I am using my masculine doing energy to sign up for speed dating and getting notes back from cute guys on POF. Now I am just going to let all my feminine energy be leaned back.

    I am off to do some knitting – sirens, thanks for the support today!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:44pm

  196. 196: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and I just wanted to say that I am learning so much from all of you Sirens! 😉 I read a lot more than I post but I always seem to take something away…for instance I was thinking of something witty to back to Toby Keith (that’s my boss’s boss’s boss..he reminds me of Toby Keith 😉 and then I remembered that I don’t need to be witty..just respond with a feeling message…and I did and I feel good and relaxed about it and not second guessing…I love not second guessing!…so THANKS everyone 😉

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 6:48pm

  197. 197: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yesss i love not trying to come up with something witty

    i don’t like it because you do it for a payoff but the guarantee of payoff is iffy at best. feels scary in a bad bad bad way

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:04pm

  198. 198: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hey sirens, i have been kind of obsessing over what’s going to happen with my LI, and how things are not going very well right now for us and I have been feeling bad and obsessed

    but today i took my energy back and stopped being attached or worried about the outcome. and my vibe shifted like WOAH. i went from feeling like he was the only man in the world to getting hit on and looked at by numerous men in just a couple hours’ time.

    and the kicker was being at the chain drug store and the cashier saw me admiring the nifty top on his canned drink that prevents it from spilling, and he actually offered to buy me a beverage!

    that like never happens! a clerk at a chain store offers one of the customers in line a drink. sooo cute.

    i ran into an old male friend of mine who owns a kiosk at the outdoor mall and he asked how is my boyfriend? i said “which one?” i was kidding because i’ve been pretty wrapped up in just this one guy lately and i knew exactly who he was talking about. but then i said “actually i don’t do boyfriends.” and he said “that’s good!” and i said “i don’t believe in the word boyfriend. there’s either date or fiance.” and he was so impressed and almost relieved that i “got it.”

    i feel good and sireny.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:16pm

  199. 199: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #180 – You said, “brenda, i was out shopping this evening and i was thinking about you. yes, YOU, goddesslady. i feel so good and comforted and high seeing your using those great feeling messages with bill

    it gives me chills. it’s sooooo sireny the way you just focus on how you feel, it feels sexy as hell to me in an authentic, subtle way.”

    WOWOWOWOWOW! Thanks! I feel like I just got an A+ in class! I really needed the encouragement! I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I’ve been really fighting depression lately. Thanks again!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:46pm

  200. 200: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Dan!

    Lucy said, “Hey, Rori said in a recent post that if a guy has a “girlfriend” he’s still up for grabs.”

    I feel so bad I was overfucktioning, I mean, overfunctioning so badly with you earlier! I feel so embarrassed! **fluttering my eyelashes!!**

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:49pm

  201. 201: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Dan!

    Lucy said, “Hey, Rori said in a recent post that if a guy has a “girlfriend” he’s still up for grabs.”

    I feel so bad I was overfunctioning so badly with you earlier! I feel so embarrassed! **fluttering my eyelashes!!**

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:49pm

  202. 202: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, just to update you on Psycho Jack…

    I was just getting ready to leave work earlier when an IM pop-up popped up, inviting me to join the IM. I have no doubt it was Jack. I closed down my computer and was really scared and stressing all the way home.

    Thank God no more contact from him, at least so far. So i feel more at ease. I’m just going to ignore him if he does try to contact me again.

    I felt really buoyed up having all of you to discuss it with and get confirmation on my weirded out feeling. I really appreciate this “Island” as the oasis it is! Now I just need to let it alone long enuff to do my job and face my real-life issues, like paperwork!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 7:57pm

  203. 203: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    thank YOU brenda, you way inspired me this evening with how your vibe shifted so much with bill just going into your feminine position. i feel so grateful for the inspirational sirens here. daria talked to me earlier about what she would say or feel or do in my situation, and it gave me so much courage.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:09pm

  204. 204: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I also meant to thank you for your knowledgeable feedback on the safety information!! Thank you very much! I emailed it back to the friend who sent me it.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:12pm

  205. 205: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dan?? Darling???

    Ahem!! I’m leaning back here in my comfy Staples office chair looking at my beautiful vase of flowers and listening to Delilah, just awaiting your open season attention!! ***fluffing my pretties***

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:15pm

  206. 206: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I am laughing at myself. Why do I feel like I just got cock-blocked and/or called to the principal’s office?

    Shannon, you’ve been written up for flirting without a license. That’s a 30 day suspension of all peanut butter privileges.

    Dorothea: Does that mean you are circular dating? I feel clueless. Were you dating others or just LI? I feel excited to hear that you are changing things up and experimenting! Feels good to hear thing shifting!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:17pm

  207. 207: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You seem really street smart. Can you or anyone please answer a question? I am checking out another guy I’ve been getting to know (not from a dating site, but from real life) and a brief statement was made between him and a guy friend that made me wonder if he and his housemate (a different guy friend) are gay. How can I know? Is there some sly way I could find out? So I don’t keep bestowing my feminine energy on him unnecessarily? Oh, I guess I could chalk it up to practice, but I really like him and it would feel so good to know for sure if he’s gay or not. My gaydar doesn’t work very well.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:19pm

  208. 208: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    So I was about to post on here to tell the story of what happened to me with CD#2 – I entered Crazyville with him today (a la Brenda’s post earlier)

    But then #1CD just called, and he’s going to take me to the nicest resort in So CA tomorrow… I feel so excited! I heard about the place about 1 year ago (it’s new) and put it out of my head (although it sounded gorgeous) because I figured I would never go there… I couldn’t even fathom stepping foot in there.

    And now he told me that this is what he has planned for us tomorrow! I feel so excited, but also so grateful and a little stunned. Yay!

    I mean, this Siren stuff really really REALLY works! Even better than I could have even imagined!


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:19pm

  209. 209: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon, I feel confused. What is this about being cock-blocked and peanut butter priveleges? You CAN’T be denied Peanut Butter!!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:21pm

  210. 210: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Yeaaaaay! That’s awesome! I’m happy for you! I hope you have the time of your life!

    So what’s going on with CD#2?

    And will you please remind me…which one is the sexy 50-something guy from the speed dating?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:23pm

  211. 211: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea…I love that you took your energy back!

    Brenda you are cracking me up with your playfulness with Dan 😉

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:24pm

  212. 212: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    He sent several emails , apoligizing for his behaviour the other day, he wants me to have his ring back. He loves me and that he will continue “working on his issues with anger” he said he FEELS ashamed and embarressed for how he behaved, that I felt so terrorized that i needed to call for help. I told him my need for security and safety feels violated, any way were going to “talk” about it some more , he is on his way here. I’m all for learning and growing.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:24pm

  213. 213: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    well short of asking them if they are gay (which will probably offend them if they’re not), there’s no way to tell.

    potentially gay men are like any other man you like. you lean back and let them come to you. you are a siren! if he comes to you that’s how you know he’s NOT gay lol.

    what does everyone else think?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:26pm

  214. 214: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you, but now I feel embarrassed! **blushing!!** I thought I was being subtle and no one would notice! :-) I mean, I even SAID I was leaning BACK in my comfy office chair!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:26pm

  215. 215: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren, sexy man is out of the picture. He WAS sexy though – but didn’t step up enough.

    I told CD#2 today that I wasn’t feeling attraction that I should be at this point and his response was to tell me that he “wants to be there for me in the good and the bad…we can work through this. Please talk to me. Please baby, don’t leave me…” etc etc.

    I’ve only been out with this guy 2 times! And the last time, we talked about insurance the whole time! (He was driving the conversation haha)

    I’m not sure if he’s crazy or if this Siren stuff is like voodoo for men. An ex from last year also called me today to tell me he’s been thinking about me.

    Is it a full moon tonight?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:28pm

  216. 216: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I think its impossible to bestow feminine energy.

    i am either being it… good for me…

    or bestowing masculine energy… blah for me unless im taking care of children or business

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:28pm

  217. 217: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – vote for voodoo

    when i get into siren mode (heard this is happening to dorothea too)

    random men just say hello to me, i mean like out of office buildings and everywhere gosh wow

    i love feeling that vibe

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:29pm

  218. 218: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I was dating primarily LI and cd’ing so sparsely, even with just flirting on the street.

    i am taking my energy back. no more trying to tell him he needs to take care of himself financially for me to feel good about marrying him, no more spending so much time with him that i have to worry about if his smoking around me makes me feel like smoking (i quit a few months ago and am having a hard time.) no more of that at all.

    i don’t want either of those things in my life and i won’t choose them anymore. he is a man and can figure it out on his own, if he chooses to. i am going to spend a lot more time with myself and then spend a lot more time with other men. it feels SOOO GOOD.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:30pm

  219. 219: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    There ARE other ways to find out ***evil cackling!*** We have the underwater board, the bucket of water that stays unspilled as long as your teeth can hang on to its rope…LOL.

    I guess I was feeling frustrated cuz I’ve been acquainted with him now since December, and I just see him warm toward me then distant, and I just can’t tell if I’m reading occasional attraction accurately…hmmm. I was thinking of those subtle tests….like when women used to all wear dresses and skirts, I heard of how on halloween they would toss candy on her skirt while she was sitting in her mask and costume. If it was really a girl, she would just leave her legs slightly parted and catch the candy. If it was a man, he would clamp his legs shut to catch it!

    I was trying to think if I casually said something in conversation next time I see him that would indicate….hmmm….

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:31pm

  220. 220: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    I like voting for voodoo! It feels so easy now, where before it felt so impossible for me to connect with men… they kept breaking up with me, and I honestly had no idea why! Now I don’t feel like I even try anymore. Yay Rori! Yay Sirens!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:32pm

  221. 221: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda you said “I mean, I even SAID I was leaning BACK in my comfy office chair!”

    i totally felt triggered and like OHHHH NOOO when you said that but LOOK!!! YOU CAUGHT YOURSELF! oh my goodness are you blossoming?!?! what am i gonna do…you’re out siren-ing me….

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:34pm

  222. 222: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I know! I could casually bring up homosexuality in conversation. Then just see how he reacts and what he says. Yeah, that would probably indicate. Thanks, I guess I just needed to think that one thru! :-)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:35pm

  223. 223: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah hahah ask him how he feels about gay marriage. LOL.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:36pm

  224. 224: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Bren, you could invite him to a Cher concert and see how he reacts. In this case, I think it would be okay for you to do the inviting 😉

    So OMG! I just remembered that an ex who I totally believe is gay (although he was a jock and never admitted it) TOLD me once that he went to the Celine Dion concert in Vegas and loved it.

    Holy crow, how could I have not seen it!!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:39pm

  225. 225: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m not sure if he’s crazy or if this Siren stuff is like voodoo for men.”

    It is like voodoo — Men keep saying things to me like, “Did you put a spell on me? . . . Why do I feel like you are magnetized? ” etc.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:40pm

  226. 226: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you once again! I really am just funning around with Dan.


    My take on CD#2 is that he was/is ultra nervous around you. I bet if you would give him a longer chance, you would see a different side of him. I think he is worshipping you as the rockstar diva and feeling inadequate, thus his overfunctioning and neediness.

    But if it isn’t there for you, it isn’t there for you.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:41pm

  227. 227: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Sweetpea. I appreciate the welcome back. I was still reading the current posts, as well as some of the older blogs and comments, but staying in lurker mode because I felt too nervous to post. But, I’ve stuck my toe in the water a couple of times today and am about to wade in up to my neck.

    I’ve been feeling particularly upset by the most recent eletter from Rori, which Daria has graciously quoted parts of in her posts #129-131. The line that really stands out for me is:

    And they’re the mistakes that men ENCOURAGE us to make – even DARE us to make.

    Apparently, I’ve now been given the married woman’s version of Siena’s dilemma — her “dare” is to initiate emails; mine is to initiate sex. UGH!!!! We’ve been down this path before, and it was a miserable journey. I don’t want to experience that kind of active rejection and humiliation again. (The passive rejection and humiliation has been painful enough, thank you very much.)

    In Rori terms, initiating sex feels like MAJOR leaning forward. So, I tried a more leaning back approach. Before he got home earlier tonight, I took my shower and donned a black chemise, which he has previously referred to as “sexy”. But, he came in holding his hip, asked me to put some medicated rub on it, and then went to bed — not even a promise of a “raincheck”.

    I can compose feeling messages all night long, but I’m not sure how I can deliver them. Whenever the words, “I feel…” come out of my mouth, invariably, his response is that I “shouldn’t feel that way”. Are there any alternatives to use when a man has such a high resistance to the words, “I feel”?

    I feel lost. :-(

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:44pm

  228. 228: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, that’s funny about inviting him to a Cher concert! and your past gay friend. I could tell him about my past gay friend…yeah, that would get a reaction out of him. I’d just make sure I brought it up in person.

    Lucy, That’s awesome how men are responding to you! I bet TN Man will too when he finally gets his bullheaded butt on top of your bridge for a minute, instead of underneath it! You can tell him I said so, too! :-)

    Funny, I used to be on a sex-singles site called

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:44pm

  229. 229: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    hmmm, Bren… maybe. I told him that I would feel good not talking for a couple of days and then see how I was feeling then.

    I’m not sure I can respect him, though. I don’t want to be with a man who I don’t completely respect, and sometimes he says things that I think are completely ridiculously lame.

    He’s not a bad guy, but… hmm… I’ll have to see how I feel after this weekend.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:45pm

  230. 230: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, that’s funny about inviting him to a Cher concert! and your past gay friend. I could tell him about my past gay friend…yeah, that would get a reaction out of him. I’d just make sure I brought it up in person.

    Lucy, That’s awesome how men are responding to you! I bet TN Man will too when he finally gets his bullheaded butt on top of your bridge for a minute, instead of underneath it! You can tell him I said so, too! :-)

    Funny, I used to be on a sex-singles site called Bears!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:46pm

  231. 231: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I feel yucky hearing the “is he gay” thing. CDing is just for practice. It doesn’t feel wasteful of feminine energy to flirt with all men. Young, old, gay, straight, tall, short, whatever. If I’m not sure of something, I just lean back. I imagine if a guy is not gay and I ask him about homosexuality, he may feel totally turned off. I feel nervous of that conversation.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:46pm

  232. 232: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan, Rori wrote a post about men and sex. I’ll go looking for it. It addressed what to do when he doesn’t want sex…

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:47pm

  233. 233: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan, this is the one I was looking for:

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:49pm

  234. 234: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Day 17 of the Man Fast…

    Realizing how addicted I am to men.

    My brain is attempting to replace my man addiction with something else.

    I stopped smoking back in February. Brain is SCREAMING for a cig.

    I stopped dating A back in September. Brain is SCREAMING to contact him.

    I haven’t talked to Mr. Fab Kisser in two weeks (yes, I broke my fast). AND he just sent me an ecard which if I open he will know I read it. Fuck. Brain is SCREAMING for me to read it.

    Seriously? Is this me? I feel sad and lonely.

    And I feel sad and lonely that I feel sad and lonely. Like I shouldn’t be feeling this way. That I have a full life and yet if I’ve got something to say the people I’m likely to call are a) my mother and b) the guy I’m seeing.

    Anyone out here can “me too” because I am feeling like a dang loser! Anyone got a “me too” they can give me?

    Oh wait c) Siren Island.

    I feel isolated. And I’m talking on this freakin’ computer. ***smacks head with hand***

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 8:58pm

  235. 235: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks siena, this is something i have been thinking about a lot lately too

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:05pm

  236. 236: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks for your feedback. I did catch myself and say it is good practice. My deep truth is I am very, very attracted to him. I feel hopeful that it could be a very good relationship. But I just can’t get this out of my head, and so I just can’t enjoy the relationship. If I find out he’s gay, I will know all my excitement and hope was in an imaginary relationship. I so hope it’s not imaginary! That’s more at the heart of my wanting to find out.

    And it’s not about not accepting him, either. I actually had a relationship with a gay man in the past. Turns out HIS goal was just to be a daddy, and he poked holes in the condoms…what a disappointment. I really liked that guy and thot he was falling in love with me and wanted a real relationship. No, I didn’t get pregnant, but I sure sweated it out.

    I have GOT to kill my facebook account, which is now linked to this!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:06pm

  237. 237: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Siena. I had read that post. Needless to say, the first category that I went through was the one on “Sex and Sensuality”.

    I just don’t know what to do about using the Feeling Messages. I’ve had terrible response from him when expressing how “I feel”. I was really hoping there were some alternatives that I could start with to melt away his resistance and gradually work up to using “I feel”.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:08pm

  238. 238: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori says showing anger is ok, we want to see their anger too. I havnt talked to him since sunday, except for a few emails about things i forgot or fell out of my bag like my keys. He has a ‘plan” about his anger issues. I dont mind angry people, its an emotion I just dont like feeling threatened by it. I need safety. did I devalue myself, will he? did i just bring my degree of difficulty down a few notches? blah.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:13pm

  239. 239: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    joan…i want to give you a big hug! oh gosh i have felt like i was in your shoes too.

    You said you don’t want to lean forward and it feels icky. Maybe putting on the sexy clothing for him felt like leaning forward to you because you did it cuz he had approved of the clothing’s sexy factor previously.

    what if you bought yourself some beautiful new sexy coordinated lingerie to wear under your regular clothes? something that makes YOU feel sexy and beautiful and special. just thinking about doing this switches my vibe to one that is inviting and sexy. oooh i feel so good

    you don’t even have to (or maybe shouldn’t) tell him you’ve got it on;) The lingerie itself isn’t the lure, it’s the way YOU feel special beautiful and sexy in a personal, secret way that sends the message to you and to him that you are ready and open to feeling sexy things.

    joan thank you so much – writing about this has created this tangible yummy feeling of confidence and worth and specialness that i am now basking in and trying to observe and feel so that i can call on this wonderful feeling at any time. i feel so grateful and excited for this random opportunity to work this out for myself right here

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:14pm

  240. 240: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel sad with you. I have heard the only thing lonelier than being alone is being married and lonely. :-(

    Try this:

    “I feel ______”

    Him: “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

    Joan: “I feel invalidated.”
    or: “I feel unheard.”
    or: “I feel so lonely right now.”
    or “I feel abandoned.”
    or “I feel isolated from you.”
    or “It feels yucky when you say that.”
    or “I feel invisible.”
    or “This feels terrible!”
    or “I feel awful!”

    My ex, Kenny, used to say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” I just kept bombarding him with feeling messages until he got it! Now when we have a disagreement, instead of perpetuating it for two weeks, he sometimes will not call me for a few days (it’s a long distance prison relationship). Then he’ll call me back all soft and sweet.

    When he first started doing that, I thot he was playing games. But he would say, “No, babe, I wasn’t playing games. I just didn’t like the bad vibe between us, so I wanted the air to clear so we could stay on a loving vibe!”

    We are getting along better than ever!! I have a ten year history with him. I really enjoy his calls now!

    Another thing I learned from him that worked was when we were having disagreements, suddenly he would stop midstream and start laughing!

    I felt confused and asked, “What??? What’s funny?” I wasn’t sure whether to be pissed or happy!

    He’d look me straight in the eye (in the visiting room) and say, “Babe, I LOVE you! I don’t want to fight with you! You’re my partner! You’re my #1 loyal friend! Let’s just love on each other!”

    Durn it! He keeps getting back under my skin! :-)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:18pm

  241. 241: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “If I find out he’s gay, I will know all my excitement and hope was in an imaginary relationship. I so hope it’s not imaginary!”

    i feel scared reading this… even if he’s the straightest dude in the world, it’s still definitely imaginary right now.

    sorry if i am misunderstanding what u mean. maybe you don’t mean imaginary relationship as rori means it. maybe you mean “imagining he is available to date women”

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:19pm

  242. 242: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    him: you shouldnt feel that way

    you: i don’t want to feel that way!

    gosh this conversation could go a million ways and i feel so unsure and not equipped to help you and i feel so compelled to make everything better for you because i can see myself in this situation. maybe you’d tell him how you do need to feel, and ask him what he thinks…i hope rori will help you script this! hugs joan…

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:25pm

  243. 243: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t know what I mean. Sometimes the way he looks at me from head to toe or with softness in his eyes, I feel he’s attracted to me, and it’s leading up to real dating, not just casual contact here and there. I will just let it ride. I just want real dates with him! I want to spend more time with him, not just a few minutes in public with him now and then!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:25pm

  244. 244: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am back to feeling good… about 10? was it minutes after teh beginning of a huge family blowout…

    i was being pressured to “sit down and talk” about how i haven’t been able to pay my bills, when the discussion had started already about me not with me … while I Was present. IE i was being talked about in 3rd person in front of my face which i feel icky about and have said so plenty of times

    then to sit down i said i dont feel safe talking

    i was told whats up with this feeeling stuff… everything abut feeling. that i have to sit down and talk.

    i said no i just dont want it doesnt feel good.

    then my dad started yelling oh yeah then give me your car keys (ive been going out places to meet men and get out the house, as i had kind of been sitting in the hosue a lot the past few months… and my parents have a negative view of going out … it triggers them when i go out even in the day time)

    i dont want you to use my car anymore (i drive their old car from 10 years ago, they have new nice cars)

    im like ok yeah

    then hes like YOU dont feel good… let me catch you feeling good later tehn… let me catch you laughing or something

    this i felt upset because ive gotten the impression before that my dad doesnt want me to feel happy — as long as im not fully successful, then i shouldnt be enjoying myself … ie going out… but now it actually got to Laughing bieng mentioned

    of course i am practicing to remind myself to pleasure and do nice stuff for me and to LAUGH AND GO OUT and be happy no matter what, that i dont need to postpone it until im successful etc

    this is how my dad does things

    my mom has been depressed for 20 years


    anyway i picked up my stuff and LEFT

    until the (pretty damn recent) recent past, i would just sit donw when i was invited to… just sit down here, please sit down and talk to us… and sit there unable to speak and flooded with emotions and feeling furious and terrfiied

    this time i left upstairs… maybe my 3rd or 4th time doing so

    they im sure are triggered by it… but GOSH it really has seemed to work DESPITE THEM

    i used to believe and was taught that it was utterly disrespectful of my parents to leave and not listen when they wanted to talk to me

    but more recently ive been doing it anyway, even locking the door to my room last time on my mom

    I am not interested in being abused, even verbally or emotionally

    um so its been 10 minutes and i feel BETTER

    this is huge!

    this used to crush me!


    i have a good way to take care of myslef
    and i am building patterns of taking care of me

    im not going to sit there and tolerate being berated,

    no matter what! EVEN IF I AM DEPENDENT on a MAN.

    financially, etc etc

    I don’t want to be berated

    im saying no to this in my life

    i feel powerful

    i feel excited im finding the secret ingredient to heal my family communications



    i feel excited my mom is gonna pick up on this – cuz its voodoo

    and my behaviors are going to get picked up

    AND YES, I AM CRITICIZED for these new behaviors…


    i dont need approval or permission to take care of me!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:26pm

  245. 245: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan – in a way i would hope this helps you. I am and have been having terrible responses (from my parents)

    using “I feel”

    the next post is my record that, its NOT about the response

    its about HONORING me… my deep truth… the courage to speak it


    eventually, its getting picked up ANYWAY

    its effecting subtle changes and im being treated better in my family

    and this is because I FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME

    because I am EXPRESSING MYSELF

    hope this helps

    if your husband acts like a jerk like my dad… it may not (at first) get a good response

    but believe me, teh feeling messages work theuir magic… on YOU, HIM and the RELATIONSHIP


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:31pm

  246. 246: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan – I don’t know if you can make this work or not, but I was listening to an interview of Rori’s. The lady she was interviewing mentioned saying “I’ve noticed _____ about myself.” When you do this, you have to make sure it’s about you, not directed toward him….just like w/ feeling messafes. Do you think something like “I’m noticing I’m sexually frustrated” – something like that? I haven’t actually tried it, but maybe it could help you somehow.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:32pm

  247. 247: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Another very powerful tool Rori has is to just slide to the floor, allowing your literal body language to express your pain. If he socked you in the mouth, you’d fall to the floor, right? When you feel that hurt, let him see the pain in your heart, not by voicing it directly, but by sliding to the floor and putting your hand over your heart. Let your body speak purposefully for you, in a way that he will listen.

    I used to say, “I feel hurt”, but I learned from Rori that sounds like blame. Blame shuts the typical man down. Our goal is to have open, ever deepening, communication. So maybe, “I feel hit by a ton of bricks.” wouldn’t sound as much like blame. Subtle diff, I know. Or something like, “I feel like I did the day I found out Santa Claus wasn’t real.” Whatever works for your personality and experience, you know? Just be creative. Create a word picture of how you feel. Do you feel like an abandoned organ with yellowed keys? Do you feel like a fallen tree in the forest? Do you feel like a starving puppy?

    Another related tool Rori gives is to get alone and then crumble to the floor. Something about putting yourself in that vulnerable position brings your deepest feelings front and center. Then you can examine them, get in touch with them, process them.

    Feel free to journal, vent, cry, and pound here!!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:32pm

  248. 248: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I meant the previous post.

    I’ve being told to “stop this bullshit with feelings” and “so what if you feel that way this is not about your feelings”.. and even “we don’t say that in our language” and etc etc etc

    nonetheless… I FEEL STRONGER as I express it more…

    and the walking away when it feels bad… instead of staying to be abused…


    it felt terrifying

    but look at me feeling GREAT now 10 minutes later

    in the past i would STILL BE DOWNSTAIRS, only 15 minutes in an hour or 2 long verbal/emotional abuse/berating session

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:34pm

  249. 249: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    daria i felt very triggered reading all that about your parents just now because i have a belief that parents are entitled to abusive or destructive behaviors that affect their children.

    what you’re doing really is voodoo! and i totally get criticized for such new behaviors. and it feels awful and it shakes me to get criticized.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:35pm

  250. 250: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OHHH yes… falling on knees, even when im by myself, really helps my mind/body KNOW that I am now HONORING and feeling that feeling –

    thanks Brenda… I just recently “re”tried it and it worked to feel some anger that was stuck in my body and I was feeling tired and grumpy because of it

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:35pm

  251. 251: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    dorothea – welcome to the club – have a hug with me – i believed parents were entitled to abusive and destructive behaviors too! but somehow i dont believe that anymore


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:38pm

  252. 252: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – when you said ” i felt upset because ive gotten the impression before that my dad doesnt want me to feel happy — as long as im not fully successful, then i shouldnt be enjoying myself…” I thought -maybe that’s why Daria is resistant to marketing – do you think you’re resistant to letting yourself be successful? Maybe self-sabotaging in an “in your face” kind of way.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:38pm

  253. 253: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    wow i just realized i have this belief by getting triggered by your comment about the scene with them. and sinking into the trigger and not just reacting to it on a superficial level (saying oh daria is a bad daughter). thanks trigger!

    somehow i don’t believe that anymore either. well maybe a little lol. rough childhood, etc. i’m only 25..stuff takes time..workin on it…feeling good right now! thank you!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:40pm

  254. 254: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Sorry to hear you are in a ruff living situation. I felt so much happier after I no longer had to live with my family in adulthood. It really is emotionally unhealthy to constantly be exposed to those childhood triggers, the very things you are trying to heal from.

    I feel happy for you that you are succeeding with honoring yourself and using feeling messages…whether they like them or not!

    I had a major breakthrough with my Dad the day he was yelling at me about 20 minutes straight when I said softly, “I don’t feel very loved right now.”

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:41pm

  255. 255: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yes… I felt A LOT LESS SHAKY! to get criticized this time, than the last time, etc

    last time i left and locked the door and wouldn’t open it! even when i was asked nicely ‘ just to talk!

    yeah right!

    10 minutes later i felt much better opened the door and my mom actually had brought me something and we were able to interact no problem


    now my dad gets more intense, sometimes i feel scared he’s gonna pursue me and hit me or something, but i am all prepped to jump out my balcony if need be (no worries i have a side wall and did it a lot as a teenager)

    tho i’ve ran out there, i haven’t had to really jump out

    i dono

    just seems like

    although they are all offended mentally, emotionally it totally diffuses the situation to remove myself

    right now theyre downstairs enjoying the world cup!

    and i feel perfectly cool going to join them!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:42pm

  256. 256: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kenny has been in prison about 21 years, and he is happier and laughing more than about anyone I know! He has truly learned the secret to finding joy in sorrow!

    I feel angry when I hear your father telling you you’re not supposed to feel happy when you are not “successful”. How ridakulous!

    I hope you smile and laff all day tomorrow, just to spite em! Daria, you rock!

    Thanks for sharing!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:44pm

  257. 257: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – yes I was able to start crying a couple months ago… at first my dad was freaking out about it but after a few times it was accepted

    i also told him I DO want to be loved unconditionally,

    because he said he loves the cat unconditionally, but because he loves me more its not unconditional, etc

    i said I DO want to be loved unconditional

    i feel glad i was able to say that

    i should say that these are not your “tv land” family drama,

    think wild YELLING ACCUSING, jumping around, calling the other person names, flailing , HOW COULD YOU

    YOU ARE [insert dramatic toni award winning epithets here}

    ill show you

    ohhh especially


    and etc etc

    — not the kind of stuff that feels safe to me.

    I am committed to not tolerating being abused…

    and I feel like i’m YAY making progress to feeling safe to communicate with my family… BECAUSE i am no longer willing to tolerate Bad feeling communication

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:49pm

  258. 258: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I don’t think they will be spited, because with my great job of not tolerating, everyone is already feeling good… im probably gonna go down there and watch tv with them now!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:50pm

  259. 259: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Go, Daria, Go!


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:52pm

  260. 260: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — Thanks. The leaning forward (initiating) wouldn’t feel “icky” if I had any track record of success with it. What I don’t want is the rejection that I’ve experienced previously in those situations. I’m already the one who is “ready and open to feeling sexy things”. He’s the one who is indifferent or disinterested (or whatever).

    Brenda — I’m glad that the “I feel” bombs worked for you, but I can’t foresee that with him anytime soon. I can see/feel him shut down whenever I utter those words. In fact, I suspect he’s doing his own version of the Noise Tool. 😛

    Right now, my intuition tells me that using the words “I feel” is not the way to go. I don’t want to create more conflict and distance. I guess I was hoping there was some other way to ease into it. I wish I could afford even Rori’s ebook because maybe I could find a tool other than Feeling Messages to begin the transition.

    Quite some time ago, I found a resource that had stated that “I feel” were the worst words you could use with a man, and that rings truer to my experience with hubby. From what I remember, the rationale was that a man wants to fix things, and he can’t fix your feelings — it makes him feel impotent, and that is SO NOT what I’m trying to achieve. Unfortunately, I lost my connection right after I landed on that site and by the time I got everything rebooted, I had lost my browsing history, too. I never got to find out what were the suggestions in lieu of “I feel” and I’ve never been able to find that site again.

    OK, Sirens, it’s late and I’m tired. Maybe I can have sexy dreams at least.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 9:53pm

  261. 261: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question. I just reread one of Rori’s eletters about telling men the truth.

    Here’s my problem: The TRUTH, when I’m emailing new guys from online dating sites . . . well, I have no problem telling the truth in feeling messages as we are emailing back and forth about stuff UNTIL they start talking about meeting.

    The TRUTH is I don’t really feel GOOD about meeting most of them but am agreeing to meet them because I’m “supposed” to.

    So I’m struggling with being honest in my communication when making plans to meet. For awhile I was writing, “I feel interested in meeting” (in response to them asking) but I really DON’T feel interested.

    And I can’t very well say, “I’m not really interested in meeting you, but I will do it anyway.”

    I have a sneaky suspicion that the answer to my question is: get yourself to the point where you truly ARE interested.

    What do you think?

    And if that is the answer, what do I say to men while I am still working on getting myself to that point?

    Thanks for any insights anyone can share.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:00pm

  262. 262: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Him: wanna meet up

    Lucy-me: that MIGHT (lower caps) feel fun

    hey never know right? it might right?


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:03pm

  263. 263: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe but the truth is right there in what you said …. “sometimes i feel so reluctant to follow through with an actual meeting…but i don’t want to be closed off like that. being open to meeting new people feels like a priority for me right now.”

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:07pm

  264. 264: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    oh daria i like your short and sweet version too

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:08pm

  265. 265: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    sitting on facebook’s homepage seeing what everyone is doing and saying makes me feel ANXIOUS and UNEASY and worth less than i should be telling myself i am.

    holy cow i hate facebook.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:10pm

  266. 266: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, thanks so much, Daria and Dorothea! I like both of your ideas!

    Daria, I felt SO DEEPLY SAD reading about your dad saying he loves you conditionally. :(

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:10pm

  267. 267: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    joan – ohh i feel terribly triggered to think of avoiding feeling messages

    i also feel a bit ignored as i did a lot of explaining on why feeling messages would work – to make a woman feel empowered herself

    i feel kind of resentful now

    i feel disappointed imagining a woman going in search of a way to share something other than her feelings


    if it were me, i would start with the small good feelings… like rori advises…

    i started with mm… Im feeling hungry

    I feel hot

    and i feel thirsty


    magically those attracted guywhohadababy and my guy friends to me, becasue I DID Land squarely in feminine mode (my voice tone even shifted and i HEARD IT MYSELF)

    ohhh what is the message of this trigger

    why is this showing up for me?

    i feel ANGRY

    i feel angry when feeling messages, rori’s work, etc are not SEEEN for the marvelous voodoo they are

    why am i feeling this way about this right now?

    im identifying with this

    i feel like I’m not being seen


    tell me more

    i feel frustrated when a man doesn’t see me for me right away

    and starts “testing” me if im a prostitute or something


    i feel furious about that

    are you serious?? that’s why I’m mad



    and then i play along and don’t give him the clear answers he’s looking for becasue i feel pist at him for judging and i don’t want to tell him the clear things that would show him judgy self that im not

    like when men are judgemental about a woman having to be educated i hide that im educated because i feel pist that they are judging me on that, even tho i would pass

    i feel jugemental MYSELF! and i feel icky that people are bieng judged on these things that feel on the middle to surface (mantle) of a person to me


    i feel angry at that

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:11pm

  268. 268: joanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((Daria))))) I’m 51 years old, and you are light years ahead of me in dealing with autocratic parents. Every time I go to their house, I feel about 15 again.

    Wow, things move quickly here. Thanks, everyone. I only got to glance over the other replies, but I’ll go back over them tomorrow. My eyelids are getting very heavy.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:11pm

  269. 269: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – haha

    he didnt know what he was talking about hehe. also he was quiet after that so perhaps he got it on some level

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:12pm

  270. 270: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    JOAN – HUGS!!! on the autocratic parents!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:13pm

  271. 271: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    dang how did JOAN do the bold hug! i love it !!!


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:16pm

  272. 272: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    daria i don’t go disclosing my wonderful resume of personal qualifications to men either. i feel freaking pissed feeling like my job or education is something to woo them with. i know i am well educated so i take this to my own heart and hopefully exude intelligence and thoughtfulness. the combo quality of intelligence and thoughtfulness are the attractive thing here, not my degree.

    sometimes i feel scared i am coming off very ditzy to men (it happens) and i want to somehow drop into the convo that i have this really interesting and nerdy degree, or that i have a fancy title for my job. i am working on just knowing that no matter how ditzy i come off, i don’t need to run after myself with a broom and dustpan displaying my credentials.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:17pm

  273. 273: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea omg i would never think you were smart enough to have a degree because you talk so ghetto! (don’t you know ghetto people are automatically disqualified from being smart?)

    don’t you know you have to walk to a certain building and pay a certain place money and write certain stuff on certain peieces of paper and then take one home to be INteelyjenT?

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:20pm

  274. 274: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    sometimes i feel if i share with people that i have a degree in such and such, it knocks me down a few pegs like oh i’m some intellectual snobby white rich girl

    thats not true at all and i feel terrified of being seen that way. i want people to see me! and i want to be seen as the transformation i made happen for myself froom the poor life and circumstances i was born into all the way to everything i can boast now.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:22pm

  275. 275: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:23pm

  276. 276: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this girl i used to be freind’s boyfriend at the time said that to me… wow daria i would have never guessed you were smart because you talk so ghetto


    this is a huge trigger por moi!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:25pm

  277. 277: joanNo Gravatar says:

    OK, I can’t go to bed until I correct this.

    Daria — I’m sorry you felt ignored. I never saw your post until I had finished composing and posting my comment. The page doesn’t update while I’m composing.

    It’s not that I don’t want to ever use Feeling Messages. It’s just that I need to find a different way to do it for now. Thank you for the suggestions about “I feel hungry”, etc. It might work that way — a sort of slow desensitization to whatever it is about those two words that triggers him. I’m thinking of it as drops of water dripping on a stone and slowly reshaping it versus a tsunami hitting and pushing the stone somewhere far off into the distance.

    (I’m even thinking I might do some surrogate EFT for whatever it is about those particular words that trigger him.)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:26pm

  278. 278: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:27pm

  279. 279: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    joan! Surrogate EFT YAY i feel happy youre’ into EFT too!

    hey – my guess as to what triggers him, or seems to,

    is that it opens INTIMACY and maybe he’s been hiding that….

    RORI says often lack of sex is from ANGER, so maybe he’s having a lot of anger stuffed up and

    opening up intimacy, even a touch of it threatens that he will lose control of that anger

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:29pm

  280. 280: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    PS no worries about triggering me, I am now using the triggers to look within me! hehe

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:29pm

  281. 281: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so much better about myself and energized right now! like i went on a great date!


    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:35pm

  282. 282: joanNo Gravatar says:

    Daria — Well, the lack of sex may be from anger, but I assure you it is NOT from him stuffing it. He never had an angry feeling he didn’t express — more like a rageaholic. Truly, the explanation I expressed earlier — that he can’t “fix” my feelings (beyond his control) — is the closest I’ve ever come to understanding it. I’m really going to have to do some intensive searching again for that other site.

    I’m the anger stuffer, and I’ve lived years in depression to prove it. 😉

    Depression is anger without enthusiasm.

    So far, the only HTML coding that I’ve found works here is bold and italic. Too bad we don’t have an option to preview before we post.

    Geesh, this place is addictive. (((((Hugs))))) and good night.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:54pm

  283. 283: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am watching this show here online.

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 10:54pm

  284. 284: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan – goodnite. I feel triggered and sad! Sounds like my fam. Rage dad and depressed mom. I feel afraid! Feeling messages are everything. For our self and attracting. Intimacy. No matter what the in the moment response… I am feeling sad and scared and triggered… I love my feelings! I feel helpless when I have watched my mom stuff anger and look numb and removed and not seeming to know why. I choose to believe I can inspire her and my family by expressing my feelings. I feel sad. I love my sadness… And that feels like more sadness and Iove my more sadness and that feels like filiing up with air. Goiing hnnnn. With a smile. I love my filling up w air going h
    bnn with a smile. Hmhmhhh : )

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:05pm

  285. 285: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary I like the heart!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:27pm

  286. 286: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Has anyone tried speed dating?

    I think it would feel fun.. interesting.. maybe crazy.. hahaha.. But having 20 men all at once.. would be trigger city.. If you have.. LET ME KNOW! :)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:28pm

  287. 287: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia – Siena has tried it, and Lizzie is getting ready to try it now!

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:37pm

  288. 288: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been feeling angry for days but, I’m more fight then I am flight. Actually, I do both. Raisng my voice seems normal.. I do it when I’m happy or mad, sometimes I just feel expressive.

    (( MY friends in the past.. were just self absorbed.. and I think I use to self abandoned myself and choose people that were never there for me.. but I would always be there for,,, even if meant giving me up or having no boundries and now they are ALL dropping off.. Hopefully cause I’m healthier )))

    Well, My very non expressive shy adopted sister (she’s aware she wont coverse with anyone) adoptive sister thinks I’m sooo loud. Like above libary level is “loud”. I tapped her anger when she name called to me… and I went off… Then in the first time in all her life she yelled and threw a cup across the room… I thought she made progress actually.. lol.. Except there is still some tension..

    I’m ready to be normal and talk and she is still wanting to passive aggressive, by ignoring me, walking into another room and texting me awful things.. SOooo immature.. but, I refuse to engage in the antics…

    I did have a break thru.. “adopted family dad” called and said. we want you to stay.. He said has been married for 34 years and people have a few knock down drag out and then things settle and you realize why you are together..

    So that was sooooo calm, cool, logical and collected compared to what I’m use to with my bio- dad… Then he said… sister didn’t choose words that really “meant” truth or anything. She was just saying words that she thought everyone else meant.. That felt awful, icky, and bad… She brought up things when we were like 8 years old.. Told me I was selfish and ungrateful… even as kids.. (Seriously? what with bringing up things from 20 years ago.. my step mom did same thing) But….. she was an only child.. So she couldn’t even see the truth was I was always coming and doing for her… Geeees.

    Well I felt pissed! becuase I had just picked up and cleaned her and her boyfriends dirty dishes and took care of her cat.. and I do alot of charity… SO I was pisssssed.. Like how dare you.. I’m the one taking care of everything..

    Then I realized maybe her words are just a mirror of her.. and I reminded her that I woke up in the middle of the night (instincts) and found HER lost animal…… Geesh!

    If that’s selfish and ungrateful then okay then…. Anyway, now she is putting up a passive aggressive silent wall and I’m sooo over it. Like get on with life already… but, I seem to be feeling better even when she is being a brat.. lol… I mean she ran sacked my room to take back some lotion she gave me.. Seriously? I’m just moving on and letting it go.. :)

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:54pm

  289. 289: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – THANKS!

    Siena and Lizzie did you like speed dating??

    Thursday, 17 June 2010 @ 11:55pm

  290. 290: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia – I’ve been going through the passive-aggressive stuff w/ my adopted sister the last couple of days too. I hate p/a! She’s been somewhat opposite of yours though – she won’t talk to me at all. Has just done everything she can to get under my skin. She had me up til 5 a.m. the first night slamming doors, the refrigerator. And took some stuff back she had given me too. Argh! I feel angry thinking about it!
    We were finally starting to talk again tonight when out dogs got in a fight & she got between them & got bit. I had to take her to the ER… At least we’re talking again now I guess.
    I haven’t had any experience dealing w/ this since I started using Rori’s tools. Can you give me any helpful advice?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:09am

  291. 291: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ahh I feel trigerred. I’m an only child. Yay for only children. I stand for only lonely children. I’m here for u Daria ! To play with an talk to and laugh with and stand up for u!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:34am

  292. 292: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i think that circular dating is about not conforming.
    conforming to our environment is built into our DNA.
    and when we spend time with one person, we get used to that person’s environment. so used to it that we begin to crave it.

    when we circular date, the environment is changing so much that it’s impossible to conform.

    i’ve heard guys say that it was too confusing for them. they couldn’t do it for any length of time.

    i think that’s one of the reasons it works.

    if you’re not getting used to the environment of a particular guy, it’s WAY more easy to be objective about him. and keep hold of the reigns of your own horse.

    don’t you think?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:10am

  293. 293: maryNo Gravatar says:

    facebook is enfringing on our privacy and i feel upset about it. the blog is no longer a safe place! it’s now a public blog to share with everyone.

    ohhhhhh… i’ve felt sad about it all day.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:15am

  294. 294: maryNo Gravatar says:

    and if you’re not conforming because the landscape is constantly changing, you keep yourself on track. because you have only your own environment!


    it does work.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:17am

  295. 295: lucyNo Gravatar says:

    mary. what’s the deal with fb? how is it affecting the blog???

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:27am

  296. 296: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow…. Such a funny incident happened..!!

    A guy aged 44, married, sent me a mail on fropper, “Hi, I am Neel.. Looking for a sincere Gf… If yes, call/sms on xxxxxxx. I will take care. Bye.”

    I replied, “Sorry, married men not allowed, It’s written in my profile… And well, you are married, 43, and looking for a SINCERE Gf..???? I feel amused… Wonder if your wife is on lookout for guys too….!!???”

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:08am

  297. 297: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    i feel like why Mary is saying this is coz, as we do see, some people do like it on fb, and then it gets posted on their wall, and so the other people do see it, which unfortunately, comprises guys too…

    Perhaps that’s what she means…!! I hope I got it right….

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:10am

  298. 298: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    I like sped dating, though, the only thing am worried about is, how will I manage my time!!!???? :) 😉 😀

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:13am

  299. 299: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey (bold) daria, plz tell me how this bold and italic works down here????

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:18am

  300. 300: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Joan, RE: #246 – I DO know what you’re talking about, being resistant to I feel statements. This is non-Rori opinion here…

    My observation is MOST people are raised to suppress their emotions, and especially boys. I bet if we could see a video tape of your husband’s childhood, we would hear echos of his words, with his parents telling him, “You shouldn’t feel that way” and “Stop crying! Boys don’t cry!” and “Wipe that grin off your face!” and “Stop yelling!”

    You don’t like the suggestions to act out your feelings physically? Then there are the “I like…”; “I don’t like…”; “I want…”; “I don’t want…” statements.

    I felt resistance from Kenny at first, too. He would say stuff like, “Why does this always have to be about what YOU feel? What about what I feel?”

    Rori says when we unzip our hearts, it creates a safe environment for a man to enter that sometimes-scary emotional realm. Would it work if you transitioned there by trying to explain to him logically your feelings? It’s not what Rori recommends…I’m just trying to troubleshoot with you here.

    One thing I’ve done with resistant people in the past is say something like, “There’s been a car wreck. I was thrown from the car, and I’m laying here in the snow with a broken leg. Emotionally speaking, that is how i feel.”

    Joan, how do you feel about those ideas? :-)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:01am

  301. 301: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    My tendency is to fight back when things get heated.

    I keep reminding myself Rori’s most powerful tool is to walk away.

    If things get so bad that it is damaging you and no progress is being made, sometimes the best thing for a relationship, even a marriage, is to get away for a few weeks. I’m not talking about divorce here. But sometimes men take us for granted. And sometimes when two people are apart, clarity comes in.

    If you feel you are getting nowhere, try staying with a friend for a few weeks. If he asks why, you could say, “I feel ignored.” If he shuts down, cuz he is resistant to feeling messages, so be it. End the conversation.

    The next day, if he asks you to come home, you could say, “No, sorry. I love you, but I feel ignored.”

    You could try this every day or two until he listens. When we distance ourselves from a loved one, it gets their attention.

    Please let us know how it goes.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:09am

  302. 302: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Here’s yet another thot…as I read along your posts, I am increasingly reminded of my father, who was also a rageaholic.

    I found the trick is to get inside their armor. The anger is a huge, thick shield for intense inner pain. Anger is comprised of pain. I also dealt with mentally handicapped, emotionally disturbed kids at a past job.

    I learned that ASKING QUESTIONS is sometimes the ticket.

    For example:

    “Are you feeling angry?”
    “YES, I’M FEELING ANGRY!!!! !@#$% !@#$%*!!!!!!”
    “Why are you feeling angry?”
    Then, depending on where they go, I might say something like, “You seem resentful.”
    The key is to say these things softly, like soothing a wild bear. If you say it in an accusing or angry tone, it will make things worse.

    Another way to word it is, “I can tell you’re angry.”
    Sometimes they calm down quickly just having their anger acknowledged.

    I’m so accustomed to dealing with irrate, angry, emotionally abusive people that sometimes I don’t even recognize the trigger, much less run away from it. I’m getting there, tho, requiring that anyone who wants to stay in my life treat me with respect.

    I hope you get treated with respect soon. And, I hope that next time he triggers YOUR anger, you find the self-respect and courage to VOICE it,
    “I feel angry!”
    “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
    “Do I have a right to feel and think?”

    I know it sounds kind of like a therapist approach, and you’re not supposed to be his therapist, but hey, if it helps turn him into a teddy bear, it’s worth a try, right? :-) (((Hugs!)))

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:22am

  303. 303: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s easy to see this has triggered a whole host of emotion in me. This is a lot of the basis of my emotional damage from childhood.

    My self-talk when I am treated with rage and anger is, “Ho-hum, yet another person hating me for being alive. So what else is new?”

    It was just how I dealt (partially) with anger to keep myself from completely closing down. I had to project some sort of thick skin, so I guess I used apathy.

    Little by little, I am learning to deal with it much differently. I am determined to have healthy, connected, intimate relationships with my loved ones, or not at all.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:25am

  304. 304: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I’m glad you’re seeking solutions. Please don’t allow yourself to stay in this damaging relationship if it doesn’t change.

    I’m 46 now, and I entered adulthood believing I was an ugly, horrible, stupid person. I didn’t know who I was, and I was completely out of touch with my thoughts and feelings.

    It has been a very long struggle to learn who I am and to come into my RIGHT to not only possess thoughts and feelings, but to know I have the RIGHT to EXPRESS those thoughts and feelings.

    Please don’t allow him to intimidate you into suppressing those feelings any longer. My parents were also comparable to what both Joan and Daria related. It pretty much destroyed my Mom. She is now 78, and she still doesn’t know who she is. Her identity and joy of life just eroded over the 25 years they were together.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:31am

  305. 305: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Your description of CDing is beautiful!


    I saw thumbs up icons appear for facebook on each entry here yesterday. I clicked on one out of curiosity, and it linked this blog with my facebook profile. I think I’m going to quit profile. It’s too public. I want my life to be under my control, not every scam and spam artist in the world.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:37am

  306. 306: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tune into the inner critic

    “A critic is a legless man who teaches running.”

    — Channing Pollock

    Are you aware of your inner critic? We all have this voice that tells us we are bad, stupid, clumsy, cowardly…. Although its intent is to help us succeed, the harsh self talk of our critic just serves to drain our energy and lower our morale and immune system.

    To defuse the inner critic, we need to recognize when the critic is speaking. We need to know that this voice does not necessarily speak for who we really are. This is an old pattern that may no longer be serving us. We want to open to the possibility that the words are not likely true. We can ask ourselves, “Are these words helpful?”

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

    — Eleanor Roosevelt

    “Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom with encouragement.”

    — Donald A. Laird

    “Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business.”

    — Norman Vincent Peale

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:38am

  307. 307: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    BTW, the reason I find it effective to tap into HIS emotions from the past is that until he begins to find healing for his own emotional damage, he will be unable to drop his resistance to how he’s damaging you and not allowing you to feel free to express your emotions.

    Once you can get him to identify his anger (ie, “You seem angry”; “Are you angry?”, etc), then you can start identifying his other emotions, (“You’re happy!”; “Do you feel sad?”, etc.) As that sort of thing becomes more familiar AND SAFE to him, maybe he can start to acknowledge when you feel, be it positive or negative.

    When the relationship is out of sorts, once you have let him know how you feel, whether or not he likes for you to express your feelings, let the ball & chain of the relationship drop in HIS lap. Let HIM fix the relationship. That’s HIS job.

    If he doesn’t fix it, over time? Protect your precious heart…get out. At least that’s my view after seeing my mother destroyed by my Dad.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:51am

  308. 308: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Where’s Heartbeat these days? :-)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:59am

  309. 309: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Where’s everybody today? :-) You California people wake up yet?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 8:54am

  310. 310: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I’m here Brenda, reading in the sidelines. I have to leave though.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 8:55am

  311. 311: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    muahhahahaa, I’m here Bren. But I have conference calls all day long and so can’t hang out. Ugh! I miss heartbeat and goodheart too! Where did they go!?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 8:56am

  312. 312: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:23am

  313. 313: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I don’t see any facebook links on here. Did Rori fix it or something??? It would be awful if my posts were linked to my fb page!! Are they???

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:39am

  314. 314: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m here but have a pedicure, an appearance at the office, and a greek festival in my future.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:39am

  315. 315: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe heartbeat and goodheart are making wedding plans!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:40am

  316. 316: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, you can check your FB page’s profile to see if there’s anything there about this blog. I doubt there is, especially if you’ve never “liked” any page.

    But if someone else has “liked” this page, then their friends will see this page… but they won’t know who you are.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:52am

  317. 317: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    LOL! That would be great if they were making wedding plans! But I’m sure if they were, they would have invited all of us! :-)

    I don’t think it will link to YOUR facebook unless you clicked on the “thumbs up” icon. I deactivated my facebook today. I feel really vulnerable on the net and I must be crazy for all the personal stuff I put on this site. Sure is helping me process and grow, tho!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:52am

  318. 318: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i would feel mortified if someone i know found me here. i think about this all the time.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:05am

  319. 319: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Siena and Brenda. Sounds complicated. Brenda, I don’t see any thumbs on the blog! Do you???

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:11am

  320. 320: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    OH! I see — right at the top of the article, under the title. Right?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:13am

  321. 321: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies!!! I have a creepy man situation!!!

    Back in December, I wrote here about a man, G, who was apparently very wealthy, powerful and accomplished. He talked about marrying me on Date 3 and was very eager to get me to commit. At first, I was excited about his vision of our town home downtown, and a second home in the suburbs/country. but not enough to ignore how stifled I felt by him. He would basically punish me if he thought I was out trying to attract men, when really I was just out to dinner. That “relationship” lasted 1 week, haven’t interacted since. But then, last month, I saw him on the street cause he was moving into my apartment building!!! Which felt weird, but he explained that his company is temporarily paying for his housing – they originally had him at place down the street, but he is considering buying a condo in this area, so he wanted a taste of what that lifestyle would be like (I live in a high rise downtown). He sometimes shows interest in me romantically, by asking invasive questions, like “I saw your light on at 2 in the morning. What were you doing up at that hour?” I said “what were YOU doing up at that hour?” And he said, “Actually more than once, I’ve seen your light on in the middle of the night. I’m hardly ever up late, but every time I am, your light is on. It’s kind of weird.” And then the rest of the conversation is pretty normal and nice – I’ve spoken to him as a friend about other men that I am dating. He’s given insight about how to move forward career-wise (although, he previously made it clear that he would prefer for me to stay home and nurture our 6 kids). These conversations have happened on the 2 visits I have made to his apartment. He invited me to check out his place – I hung out and talked with him, we started a movie, I fell asleep – and when I woke up at 4 am, he was snoring SO LOUD so i just got up and left without searching around for my shoes. The second time, I returned to get my shoes. He had his guns out on the coffee table. I felt uncomfortable, and I said “you just have your guns out?” as he was handling a pistol wiping it down. He apologized and put them away. We had a pleasant conversation, he knew I was off to go on a date, and I got my shoes and left. He emailed that he enjoys my company and that we should hang out again soon. then last night I went to the salsa bar I usually go to on Thursdays, and he was there!!! Everyone is dressed sexy and pretty casual, but G was wearing a hefty sports coat, and was sensually puffing on a cigar all by himself. When I saw him initially, he darted his eyes away and acted like he hadn’t seen me yet. A couple of minutes later, I caught his eye and gave him a friendly wave. He gave me sex eyes over the top of his glass. Then I told my friends how weird I felt about it, and one of them was like “Whoa, Are you talking about the guy in the sports coat with the cigar??? we noticed him – we were talking about him when we were dancing over there (she and her husband). Then she said “honey, show them how he was smoking his cigar” and her husband did an imitation that was HILARIOUS – slowly puffing a cigar and exhaling into the air in a very deliberate fellatio-looking way. Her husband had said to her while they were dancing “Hey check out the Candy Man over there – Look at how he’s smoking that cigar!!”

    For the next hour, G perched himself different places and just watched me. He didn’t interact with other people, dance, or anything. He just watched and drank. Then, I made eye contact with him and looked at him like WTF? And then I didn’t see him anymore.

    Side note: the whole time I was on a date with a guy who is being very cool. I was dancing with lots of men (some who are very sexy) and he let me do my thing, and he was just there hanging out with my friends. When sports was on for a bit, he was preoccupied with that, and I went off dancing without a worry. And the rest of the time, I totally felt at ease at ease with him.

    Back to the story about G: he saw that I was on a date, but I don’t think that explains his bizarre behavior – he never even said “hi” and he was clearly fixated. eww. What do I do with this concern??

    But then, i guess it’s possible that he believes we are going to get married, and so he thought that by coming to Embargo, I was going to be super turned on by his presence and attention.

    I feel scared just staying in feeling-mode, I feel anxiety, like I need to use my brain to determine the danger and a solution. But okay, if I don’t use my brain, and only focus on how scared I am, I am actually only mildly scared – I have been far more scared of creepier men in the past. Maybe I’m not so scared, cuz those other men never physically harmed me (only harassed me), so my expectation is that he won’t follow through, even though he’s showing warning signs of trouble. But, yuck, I don’t like that line of thinking. I hate how I feel that it’s outside of my control.

    I have a skin picking problem – I compulsively pick at my skin to “fix” imperfections. It sucks and I’m trying to heal whatever it is that causes me to self destruct. i read that the french have name for young girls who pick excessively – and it refers to girls who want to avoid being looked at as sex objects, so they self-sabotage their beauty. It’s a way of avoiding being a woman, a way of staying a “girl.” That totally rings true for me. And Creepy guy situations validate the fear of being as beautiful as possible.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:30am

  322. 322: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    If he asks you out again, what are you going to do?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:43am

  323. 323: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Gina: Next time I saw him, I’d say “That night at Embargo, I felt really weird. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable around you. What do you think?”

    As for skin-picking, I do that too. (ahh… I feel embarrassed and tense.) I’m finding I do it the most when I feel anxious and bored. Mostly when I’m bored because then I am looking for something to do. It’s gotten better now that I recognize the boredom factor (same thing happened with smoking – quit since Feb.) but I still do it when I get a bump. I can’t just leave it alone. Yuck. My arms feel tingly. I feel embarrassed.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:45am

  324. 324: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    An email excerpt from Terry MacDonald:

    I determined that I wanted an honest man, but after my sorry experiences it occurred to me I might be living a pipe dream.

    But, after learning about the Law of Attraction, I wrote an affirmation:

    “I am happily married to a loyal, loving, successful, *honest,* fun man.”

    I brought the affirmation to life in my imagination, but then it occurred to me: I wanted a man with specific qualities, but did I even possess those qualities myself?

    The honest answer was, not really.

    I had played it fast and loose from time to time with the truth. So, what right did I have to expect a guy to be honest?

    I decided right then and there that in order to truly deserve the type of man I wanted, I had to be the woman he’d want. In short, I started to play it straight. I stopped making mealy-mouthed excuses when I didn’t want to go somewhere or do something. I stopped telling white lies that I told myself “didn’t matter” but did.

    – – – – –

    I never thought about it that way before. When I don’t tell the truth (Oh I’m fine, everything’s fine or blame him when it’s really me – still a lie) that I’m inviting liars into my life.


    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:49am

  325. 325: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, what’s the definition of “swinging”?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:55am

  326. 326: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies, Gina and Shannon – I know you know this, but picking can and will leave scars. Plus it always looks worse after than before.
    Try to think of that before digging in. Or get gels on your nails. Can’t pick with those. lol

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:57am

  327. 327: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Gina – you are being stalked. This is serious shit and you need to take it seriously. Swing buy your local cop-shop and get this guy checked into. ASAP.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:58am

  328. 328: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – Swinging in my book means switching partners whether casually or with the same people all the time. You can only be a swinger if you’re married or in a committed relationship.
    I would say polyamory is the modern definition of this.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:01am

  329. 329: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – swinging is partner swapping. It is otherwise known as The Lifestyle. So if you are on-line and you read a profile that says “we are part of The Lifestyle” that means they swing. Swing is all about friends having sex together. There are different types – group sex; partners together in the same room or partners separate in separate rooms. Typically these are married couples with very solid happy relationships and they swing to build excitement and add to the love they have for each other. Safe sex is paramount and openly discussed prior to activity. It is like going to any dinner party and then people disrobe and begin having sex with each other. Those who participate find it deepens their relationships. It is all recreation – like I play golf. Swing people also talk about their preferences openly – like do you like bondage, pain, etc. etc. so within the lifestyle there are “speciality” groups. There are Swing Cruises; Parties, clubs, etc. special web-sites. If you google couples swing – lots of resources will come up.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:07am

  330. 330: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Skin-picking…behavior modification treatment has people replace undesireable habits gently with desireable habits. For example, each time you catch yourself picking your skin, do something else with your hands instead. If you like rocks, you could keep a few rocks in your purse and play with them. Or some object that has sentimental value to you. Or you could pluck your eyebrows instead. Something like that.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:07am

  331. 331: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque: I feel angry. I know you mean the well. I don’t know where this anger is coming from. Wow.

    I know that picking my skin will leave scars. I don’t want to do it but I feel compulsive about it. I get into a zone where I don’t even know I’m doing it until the damage is done.

    I feel irritated, and I don’t want to take it out on anyone.


    Why do I feel like pouncing and being mean? What is that??

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:10am

  332. 332: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I’m sorry Shannon – I don’t want to come across like a scolding parent. That was not my intention. I got this image in my head of myself when I had had a nasty picking session once long ago, and I had marks for so long, and I felt so self-conscious. And I just don’t want you to have to feel that.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:12am

  333. 333: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Swingers like single women to join in their fun! 😉 Let me know if you want me to show you one of those places… **my horns holding up my halo!**

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:15am

  334. 334: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the definitions, everyone.

    Brenda, that’s kinda why I am wondering . . . a certain someone on a “transcendant spiritual path” once told me that swinging is at a very low energy level/vibration, like around 50 . . .

    . . . so I would have thought that a person on a transcendant spiritual path — wanting to raise their energy and vibration — would want to avoid something like that.

    So I didn’t know what counted as swinging and what didn’t.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:21am

  335. 335: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Those who participate find it deepens their relationships.”

    Well, I don’t want to help deepen THEIR relationship. 😛

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:26am

  336. 336: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I would argue that quote.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:27am

  337. 337: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    That quote is meaningless to me in light of my experiences there.

    I would say it’s an adventure for the open-minded. And, a taboo for the closed-minded.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:31am

  338. 338: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting about the vibration level, Lucy. People here in my real world (deep in the heart of Texas) don’t talk about energy vibrations. Oh wait – I do. It’s nice to hear it from other people.

    Yeah, I guess I will do something. I don’t know his last name. I hate this. boo.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:31am

  339. 339: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – sounds like your transcendant spiritual path person is misinformed. Getting involved in swing is a really serious decision – it could be quite soul destroying if you are not well prepared for it. On the other end, it can be totally liberating. I quite honestly don’t think there is any middle ground on this. Just imagine a goup of men and women with all manner of body parts messing around with all of your body parts – all at the same time….there is nothing low energy about this. Maybe when you are “done” you will be flattened – literally…LOL!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:31am

  340. 340: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, argue with that quote? Or you think it’s right?

    I’m not judging, but I can’t imagine how swinging would deepen intimacy. I have a friend who swings, and she says it deepens their relationship too… I can’t imagine it being that way.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:34am

  341. 341: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Swinging…there is always more to something or someone than meets the eye….it can be whatever you choose to make it, and you can participate to any level you choose.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:38am

  342. 342: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “and you can participate to any level you choose.”

    I feel interested. Really? Like, I could show up at a swinger’s house and not do anything and just watch? I wouldn’t be considered weird?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:40am

  343. 343: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, it’s funny that you would mention “just watching” — I actually thought about that as a counter-offer to the generous (SARCASM!!!) offer I was given.

    Tinque, I would love to hear you argue that quote. That quote feels yucky to me.

    Lizzie, low energy doesn’t refer to lethargy — it refers to vibrational energy.

    David Hawkins is the author who says swinging is around 50 (low vibration). And that certain someone is a big fan of Hawkins (and Eckhart Tolle).

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:46am

  344. 344: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    And I don’t think he’s ever read The Art of War. 😉

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:47am

  345. 345: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – No I’m with you. I cannot agree that it deepens a relationship. True intimacy which what I believe most of want here, means a deep connectio9n with one person. Spreading it around does just that, spreads it around.
    I’m not saying that there’s only so much love one can hold in one’s heart. That is limitless, but the intensity most of us desire can only be between two committed loving and in love people.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:53am

  346. 346: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Most swingers participate at sex clubs, or swinger clubs…google it in your area. I went to one in my area for a few years, during my wild years…I haven’t done it for quite a few years now.

    Typically, there’s a bar where you walk in, with booths, tables and chairs, and a dance floor, and it looks like any typical bar or night club. Off to the side are multiple bedrooms, and typically a large hot tub or two. In another room is a dining room, with food and soda, and it’s typically BYOB.

    It starts around 8 pm, and everyone eats, socializes, drinks, and dances. Things really heat up around 11 pm, when couples start heading off to bedrooms and the hot tub. You might see someone dancing in the bar wearing nothing but heels. Hot tubs are no clothes only. There is typically a room for those who like to be watched. Other bedrooms are private. Sometimes there’s a room darkly lit for a free-for-all. You can go and just watch…single women are usually let in for about $5 while couples and single men have to pay more like $70 + or -. That’s cuz they encourage single women, and they don’t get many who are brave enuff.

    I feel like I should be tied and muzzled for perverting your minds.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:56am

  347. 347: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    By the way Art of War is a fascinating book. It was given to me by K, so…

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:56am

  348. 348: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, thanks for your insights. So… what if a man has a deep connection with one woman, is in love with her, loves her within a committed relationship — and it is all mutual — and they want to “play” with another person once in awhile in the same way Lizzie plays golf …. Is it possible that a scenario like that enhances the core couple’s relationship since thay are not really connecting on a deep level with the “extra” person (basically using her/him)?

    What do you think?

    (I’m hoping the answer is no. hehe)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:00pm

  349. 349: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Uh-oh, Tinque! That book is a bad sign! 😉

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:01pm

  350. 350: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, you’d be surprised what they teach us at the abbey!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:01pm

  351. 351: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I think the deep connection is more all about trust, mutual interest, and mutual satisfaction. One couple I talked with at a sex club said, “I like steak. I like steak a lot! But who wants to have steak every night? Once in a while, I like to have a hamburger, pork chops, chicken, …” Of course he was referring to other women. He told me this in front of his wife, so she was totally agreeing. People like variety and adventure. That stimulates their sex life, as opposed to coming home for the classic slam, bam, thank you ma’am many dry relationships fall into.

    I feel icky perverting your minds…want me to stop?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:04pm

  352. 352: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Ah Bren, interesting. My mind doesn’t feel perverted, it’s interesting to me (haha).

    My friend swings at other people’s houses, so I thought that’s how it was done… but I bet there’s clubs around like you describe too.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:04pm

  353. 353: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    RE #295

    On the top of the page, at the left hand side, there can be seen a symbol of ‘f’ symbolizing facebook.. If you like it there, these blogs will get posted to your walls… If you don’t like it, no problem…

    I am also very sad about this… i don’t want guys to know our secret weapons and then use them against us….

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:05pm

  354. 354: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I would say no. I do know those in the polyamory community would disagree with me as you will see in this article I wrote and the subsequent comments.
    I remember you all were having a discussion about that book the other day, but I can’t remember what was “bad” about it.
    It’s never been an issue here.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:06pm

  355. 355: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    “That stimulates their sex life, as opposed to coming home for the classic slam, bam, thank you ma’am many dry relationships fall into.”

    Ya, but I would argue that a couple who has found themselves in that place should look within their own relationship to see where the intimacy block is and fix that.

    I’m not sure I agree with the idea that sharing partners will fix that problem. Maybe but a salve on it for a while, but not get at the root issue.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:06pm

  356. 356: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    yes, yes, yes Siena…
    Sex doesn’t get boring, it’s the ones engaging in it who can.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:08pm

  357. 357: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m loving all this Art of War talk. Lol!!
    Sorry Siena! Hope we’re not triggering you!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:08pm

  358. 358: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    haha No! I was just making an observation about the players I’ve encountered who use that book as their “Bible”. I’ve also read that book, and I like it! It doesn’t trigger me though – :-)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:09pm

  359. 359: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque- Art of War was mentioned as a book that “players” read.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:10pm

  360. 360: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, so what do they get out of it to use in their playering?

    Maybe I should read it!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:11pm

  361. 361: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Some swingers organize parties at their houses, or they advertise on sex sites for partners.

    I agree with you. I want a marriage with two people in a love triangle with God. Period. I have cum full circle, and I do mean cum! I am telling you what those people told me, to give you an idea of their mindset. But I don’t agree with them.

    Sin if fun…for a while, until the consequences catch up with you…

    I’ve returned to my roots, and I’ve proven all that I was told when I was growing up, that sex is truly beautiful when it is within marriage. I am thankful to Ryan for helping me to come back to my idealisms. I have regained my self-respect, and that is worth far more to me than momentary pleasure.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:12pm

  362. 362: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, players see women as their prey, basically, and the Art of War is all about how to overcome your enemy using specific tactics and philosophies.

    It’s a short book, easy to read… pick it up!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:13pm

  363. 363: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Oh that’s right. It’s all coming back to me now.
    No, definitely no players here.
    I want to add that if two people want that kind of lifestyle that’s cool, to each their own, whatever floats their boat, but I will never be able to call it true intimacy.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:13pm

  364. 364: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I personally feel grossed out about the idea of all manner of body parts touching me! shiver!! I feel amused and I hope nobody cares that I wouldn’t want to participate in an orgy.

    I went and told the building manager about The Creeper. ha, that’s his new name. or would naming it attract it more?? Nah, it makes me laugh every time, it’s good.
    She was interested cause she didn’t know that a tenant was subletting her apartment, so she wasn’t even aware of his presence in the building. She was especially concerned when I told her about the guns – she wants to alert her authorities of what is in the building. I don’t think I will alert the police yet because he hasn’t done anything illegal.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:17pm

  365. 365: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I saw that book more as a useful tool in the corporate world.

    Sex within a deeply committed relationship is like nothing else, especially the longer the pair know each other and are in tune with each other. Boring? Never.
    It’s still getting better.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:17pm

  366. 366: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “… but I will never be able to call it true intimacy.”

    Ya know, Tinque, there’s something in my heart that says YES YES YES to what you wrote here . . . it feels like it’s my deep, authentic heart .. . but then my mind comes in and says, “Maybe it’s just your strict Christian upbringing…. maybe you need to be more open-minded about it…..”

    What do you think?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:19pm

  367. 367: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    If I come across like a hypocrite, it’s cuz I’m not perfect, just forgiven.

    Go, Tinque!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:20pm

  368. 368: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    I had an interesting discussion with a married guy I had a fling with – we talked about having a “third” and decided against it because we really valued the intensity of the relationship we had together. We got together almost weekly for about 6 months – he was absolutely intent on my satisfaction and was so gracious and thoughtful – all I could think of was how wonderful an experience it was. We would talk about our kids and a bit of business and then get on with things. I had no desire to carry on, and no desire to become emotionally involved with him. I could and he encouraged me to try all kinds of things that I might not have or would do in a “real” relationship. Naturally one of my fantacies would be to have 2 men – you know like men want 2 women – LOL! Anyway, I only got involved with him because I needed a distraction from the intensity of my work, and he was/is happily married. (although between us girls, I for the life of me can not understand how he can be happily married and out looking on purpose for an affair – but that was his thing, not mine). I think because we were so honest between each other, that it didn’t take much to “recover” from ending the relationship. Of all things it got boring becasue there was no emotional connection. It did make me wonder about swing because in the lifestyle, there is no emotional connection with the swing partners – you might be friends, but that deep connection we all seem to really want, is not part of swing – it is just sex. In my head and heart, this was an excellent experience for me – I so truly understand the difference between life and energy creating love making sex and just physical play. I needed to learn that and greatly appreciate the gift of my married man experience.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:23pm

  369. 369: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Players seem so pathologically crazy to me. They tell elaborate lies in order to get women to sleep with them. But they are out of touch with what they really want with a woman, cause they are so consumed with how desirable THEY are. I think that “playing” women is neurotic behavior that is encouraged by society. Popular music often idealizes the mindset that “manliness” is equated with being so effing hot that throngs of women want a piece bad enough to give it up.

    That was very thinky of me. But thinking it helps me feel good about letting go of my susceptibility to getting “played”.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:26pm

  370. 370: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I am not Christian, never have been, never will be, was never raised with any sort of religion whatsoever and never took to one. I consider myself deeply spiritual nonetheless.
    So your upbringing may not have anything to do with what you feel which seems to be as I do.

    Bren- you don’t sound to me like a hypocrite at all. you explored, you experimented, and now you know what you want which is perfectly acceptable as far as I’m concerned.

    Lizzie – I have to question that man’s “happy marriage”. If he was so happy, why was he seeking sex elsewhere?


    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:28pm

  371. 371: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie said, “but that deep connection we all seem to really want, is not part of swing – it is just sex.”

    That is what I found to be true. It felt so empty after a while. I heard one person comment at the sex club, no, more than one, “Sex is overrated.”

    Here are the lyrics of my favorite music artist, Larry Norman:

    Pardon Me

    Pardon me, kissing you like I’m afraid
    But I feel I’m being played with
    And you’ll leave me when you get the chance.

    Off you’ll go, in the darkness of the night
    Like a bird in freedom’s flight,
    You’re thinking only of deliverance.

    Close your eyes, and pretend that you are me.
    See how empty it can be
    Making love if love’s not really there.

    Watch me go, watch me walk away alone,
    As your clothing comes undone,
    And you pull the ribbon from your hair.
    Pardon me.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:34pm

  372. 372: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina said, ““manliness” is equated with being so effing hot that throngs of women want a piece bad enough to give it up.”

    Ryan cast spells in the past to get women to be attracted to him. He ended up with schizophrenia, a mental illness so deep that he told me six different women had said, “Dude, you’re freaking me out!” when he tried to get acquainted with them.

    When he met me, he made a point to say, “I only want ONE woman.”

    I believe he deeply regretted his choice to rush in where angels fear to tread. He went down a wrong path and has paid a heavy price the past 12 yrs or so. Long story.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:41pm

  373. 373: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    tinque – I so agree! Hell, I was married to a gay guy and never went looking for a lover! and I am a scorpio!! It is all so odd – just for fun I cruise around the “other relationship” section of POF just becaues I find it so astounding.

    I have actually learned so much about how fragile relationships are since I began dating at age +50. When I find the one to build that deep connected relationship, I hope that we both will treat it as much as a precious gift as it really is.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:42pm

  374. 374: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, this is off-topic, but something I’ve wondered. You’ve often shared how you hooked up with K only 2 weeks after you left your ex. Did you CD during that time? Or ever with K? If not, how did you navigate that time when you two were figuring out whether you wanted happily ever after together?

    I know this is very nosey, but I also hear that you have a solid relationship and I value your insight. :-)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:45pm

  375. 375: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Lucy – I firmly believe in finishing old business before starting new.
    It really is a precious gift, well put, and to treat it as anything but precious and sacred is sad at best.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:46pm

  376. 376: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Skin picking is so much for me. A way to relieve stress, something to do when bored, a massive means of procrastination, instant gratification, a feeling of accomplishment, pain, pleasure, and never-ending preoccupation – it could go on for infinity because there so many pores – it’s inevitable that i can find something to pick at!

    But I just turned 29 last week. As a birthday gift, I’d like to give myself amazing skin to ring in my 30’s happily and carefree. A friend bought me a facial for my b-day. never had one. It’ll be weird to have someone else do it. I was doing very well at not picking, but then the night before last i had a very intense 2 hour “session” I really was pretty rough on my skin, and it doesn’t bounce back quite like it used to. A few years ago, I’d finish picking my face, back up to see the damage done, and I was shocked that I could still see some beauty even with all the damage. But now, when I pick, my heart leaps cause I don’t really recognize what i see. I’m not becoming something physical anymore, I’m getting further and further away from the pique of development – which doesn’t necessarily mean the the expression of beauty is hindered otherwise.

    Anyway, when I left my skin alone for a few days, it was weird – I felt like by not picking at it and stripping away delicate layers, I was contained in every sense: that I my face was protected by thin membranes that protect the layers below, and my internal chaos wasn’t “breaking out” on my face – I wasn’t wearing my pain, and I was feeling far less pain because I wasn’t walking around with the picking-induced shame. I felt in control and good. More willing to love myself, feel pride and feel good.

    But I have to acknowledge the sense that by looking good, it was like I was wearing a mask over my “real face” – like my real face is the ugly one!! In the past, I explored my ugly side. I intend to explore all the beauty I am capable of. I am going to love people and be sweet and considerate and make them feel good and make them smile and we’ll have fun and be lifelong friends. I will be of the most value to every possible person.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:46pm

  377. 377: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Last night, making out with my date, I thought of what Abraham said about how people are generally to concerned about creating “long-term” relationships. She said that we don’t have that expectation with ice-cream. We don’t ask ice cream to last forever, just cause it’s delicious.
    So, with the guy last night, I started to feel worried about whether it would last forever, and then I felt compelled to judge him, and then I was like, no, I’m going to treat this moment like ice cream. I’m going to enjoy it! And I did!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:50pm

  378. 378: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – You can ask me anything. I’m happy to share and am not shy about anything at all.
    No I never CDed, not before we got together and not while together.
    Even though we both wanted to take the time to know if this was it since we both had been so badly wounded in the past, we both just knew at the same time.
    I remember K asked me early on if I wanted to date others since I had just come out of such a long term relationship, and K was my first date. Without hesitation I told him I know what I like, and I like what I see.
    Remember we had known each other ten years prior in ballet class. He had even come to me for a face treatment which I did not remember, and I normally have a memory like an elephant, my theory being that there was an innate attraction, a deep one, but since I don’t do that while still with someone, I blocked it.
    We never really said to each other that this is it. It just was and was understood. It’s only in more recent years that the together forever has been actually voiced aloud.
    Does this answer your question?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:57pm

  379. 379: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    In the late 80s, I lost 90 lbs by eating mostly fruits and vegetables, using the book, Fit for Life, as my nutrition bible. The idea is to cleanse your body from the inside out with foods high in water content, namely fruits and vegetables. It is good for overall health.

    During that time, my skin was clearest and healthiest than at any other time! I would have complete strangers stop me on the street and ask what I used on my face, because my complexion was so clear! I told them, “Nothing! I eat massive amounts of fruit, so I’m well-hydrated!”

    I am gradually trying to return to that wellness lifestyle. Now if I could just quit tripping over Ryan.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 12:57pm

  380. 380: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:


    “I intend to explore all the beauty I am capable of. I am going to love people and be sweet and considerate and make them feel good and make them smile and we’ll have fun and be lifelong friends. I will be of the most value to every possible person.”

    wow! That feels so good to read. I feel inspired to do the same thing!!!

    I used to be a picker but haven’t done it much in the past 7 years or so. I used to have really bad skin even in my late twenties but when I noticed it really cleared up once I changed my diet. I could probably find something to pick at if I really looked but for some reason it totally lost it’s appeal. I definitely can identify with how addictive it can be.

    I really really like what you said in your last post.

    Off to eat some leftover curry from last night. Yum!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:00pm

  381. 381: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ok my mom doesn’t like that I am on this blog… (sometimes) I used to feel uncomfortable letting her see it at first because of that, but now i just keep it open, even tho i was getting twinges of fear, but right now i didn’t reall

    so this morning my mom walks in and

    shes like “Hello Rori”

    and I say:

    GOOD MORniiing very sweet

    and shes like:

    Looks like you found a good mother!

    then she leaves

    talking about Rori etc, she feels jealous, she felt fuckin jealous that i was close to my godsister’s mom too

    i felt bad hearing that

    i didn’t answer tho

    my first off patterned answer would have been – “ohh you are the best mom”

    or somethng

    not aknowledging
    the weird way i feel

    which is angry

    and weird

    i feel tightened up

    in my like side of my bladder

    the back and sides of my head

    and my mouth

    in my solar plexus

    i have pouty “set face”

    i love my feelings

    i feel so angry at my mom and her sarcastic comments

    taht she makes to me and my dad

    that are all about “asking the innocent question”

    in an evil way

    and then pretending like she didn’t do anything wrong

    i feel really angry about this geez

    my dad used to try to answer the questions but ive noticed lately he is starting to say stuff too like “” thats not a real question” or i dont want to answer that

    the thing is she pops it up out of nowhere

    we’ll be having dinner and then the next thing i know shell be all smiling and saying some hella weird sarcastic thing

    like she just did to me

    i feel really mad

    i feel it in my arms now

    i love my arms

    i feel it under my eye

    i love my under eye

    i feel it in my low low back

    i love my low low back

    i feel a sigh

    i dont know how to respond

    to this

    i feel so weird

    like angry and also Confused

    yesterday she said some shit when i was going out the house that made me feel bad, and i got grumpy and tired

    until i fell to my knees (on the car seat at that)

    and finally was able to get the feeling moving

    now i dont want to fall under that energy again

    i feel my left shoulder tightening

    i love you left shoulder

    i think Fuck You woudl be an appropriate response

    but i dont feel comfortable saying that

    hello “bitchy thing first in the morning in a smily fake ass tone”

    “Fuck You”

    whaaaaat how dare you call me that?

    “Fuck you”

    you know this is just too much

    “fuck you”

    whats wrong with you

    “fuck you” “i dont like being attacked with sarcastic comments… it feels shocking like youre smiling at me and then drop me off a building… i feel really mistrustful of you and really angry… and I feel shocked and confused”

    i feel so angry

    Fuck you

    you fake ass bitch

    hella fake

    fake fake fake

    hateful ass bitch

    jealous of my friends jealous of my blog, jealous of me being close to my dad

    stupid hateful bitch

    i want to slap her but i wouldnt feel comfortable doing that at all

    she felt comfortable slapping me most of my life

    that fake ass bitch

    smile in your face and then stab u in the back and then smile some more

    fuck u

    i feel mad

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:02pm

  382. 382: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina- happy birthday! I just had my birthday last week too! I’m 28

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:03pm

  383. 383: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for sharing, Tinque. I was about to ask how you were able to keep yourself centered while dating only him in the beginning (which is what CDing does).

    But I think I have my answer… since dancing takes all your energy, it’s impossible to laser focus on anyone while you’re doing it. Would you agree that maybe your dancing served as your CD so that you didn’t have to have other men in your rotation?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:05pm

  384. 384: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so weird saying this but there it definitely feels so satisfying to pop a pimple. I seems to satisfy my primal monkey self. Maybe it’s also because of the pressure release. What doesn’t feel good though is the way my skin looks after! Yikes!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:05pm

  385. 385: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Siena: Interesting idea about how Tinque’s dancing played the role of cd-ing in our lives.

    I feel a little frustrated because I haven’t been cd-ing other men lately (as in dating) but I definitely flirt and practice my femininity and tools on other men all the time. I feel so busy with LI and other things I have going on. When I have a spare moment I definitely feel better using it to take care of myself.

    Anyway, I have been feeling a little frustrated that I have been going on cd dates but it hasn’t seemed to affect the level of attraction LI feels for me. I feel curious if it’s because I have my dance (which is the percussion band I’m in). I remember Rori also saying to go for a man that loves us even more than we love them. I feel that way with LI. I feel lot of love for him but I don’t feel scared of things not working out. I feel so excited and aware of all the amazing and available men in the world that if we were to break up, I would probably feel excited to get out and date again. :-)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:18pm

  386. 386: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – I’m not sure. Maybe.
    I’m just like that though. When I like someone in a special way, there’s just no looking around. I’m not interested.
    So in a way I was laser focused on him, but my life was busy too. I had gone back to college and was i my last few quarters plus I was working a lot then too.
    So maybe that plus ballet served as my CDing.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:27pm

  387. 387: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling hopeful that one of you lovely goddesses will have an answer to my question. Which is….

    How does one cd in a small town or within a close knit community or two men know each other?

    In the social circle that I’m involved in, everybody knows everybody else and I’ve always wondered how it would work to date two different men that are friends.

    How do you all feel about this?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:28pm

  388. 388: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! It feels so interesting to me that we had so many birthdays this past week!

    I know there was Lucy, Daria, Gina, Me, and it seems like there was at least one other, maybe more.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:34pm

  389. 389: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m somewhat in to astrology and i find it interesting when certain signs are attracted to similar activities. Half of the people in my band are also geminis.

    I feel curious what other signs are attracted to being on here?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:39pm

  390. 390: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I would imaging all sorts Laughing Goddess. Wanting love is universal.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:42pm

  391. 391: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I eat very healthy and I do have clear skin – I just get an inch away from the mirror and pick at any clogged pore compulsively. But every moment is a choice and I intend to choose to not pick.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:43pm

  392. 392: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel weird about the idea of dating two men that know each other well. I would like to be able to do it but I feel unable to imagine it working out. I feel scared it would cause too much drama and hurt feelings. I feel doubtful that the men would be willing to do it.

    Hmmmm, I feel curious if I am focusing too much on how it would make the men feel. I don’t feel worried about just their feelings. I imagine it would feel awkward for me as well. I’m wondering if there is something I’m missing…if there is some way to work around this.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 1:48pm

  393. 393: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tinque!

    I agree that wanting love is universal but the way we go about it can take all sorts of different forms.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:01pm

  394. 394: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tinque!

    I agree that wanting love is universal but the way we go about it can take all sorts of different forms…which may possibly be correlated to people’s astological signs.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:02pm

  395. 395: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:06pm

  396. 396: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve noticed lots of astrological patterns like this throughout my life and when I see them I feel excited and curious.

    I feel kinda bummed reading your post to me Tinque. I don’t feel quite so excited any more. I feel like a squashed bug.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:07pm

  397. 397: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    LaugingGoddess – most definitely the way we go about finding and keeping love vary between individuals.
    I feel curious why you feel like a squashed bug.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:12pm

  398. 398: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I see the correlation too with individual variation, yet it’s there.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:21pm

  399. 399: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tinque.

    I feel hestitant to say because I don’t want to start any drama and I really do appreciate you here. When I read your post though, it felt dismissive…basically like you were saying it doesn’t matter what signs are attracted to this blog because wanting love is universal.

    I do understand that and I do understand that this topic may not be as exciting to others as it is to me but like I said when I read your post, I felt drained, and deflated, and icky. And I felt worried that you thought I was stupid for getting excited about a bunch of us having birthdays so close together.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:22pm

  400. 400: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I apologize if that’s what you read, for that’s not what I meant. I love this stuff too, and I was wanting to say that all kinds of people and thus signs are attracted to this site since love is universal, yet noticing the similarities of style within this meaning signs is fascinating. And even within this each one of us is unique.
    Make better sense?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:25pm

  401. 401: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing goddess,

    Ha ha funny! I read the post earlier about birthdays & was thinking, didn’t Laughing Goddess have a birthday this month? I just now realized you were the one who posted it. Lol!

    Ok. Don’t know why but I feel amused. I don’t like hearing you feel like a squashed bug. I,like you am a student of Astrology. I don’t make decisions around my horoscope, but it’s fascinating to me to study it & watch to see how accurate it is! Not everyone believes in Astrology though. In fact, some people are downright opposed to it.

    Here’s something I got a kick out of that you might enjoy… One of my CDs made a comment that his horoscope for the day was right on & his friend asked him if astrology is so accurate, why do different astrologers say different things for the same day. My CD said, “does everyone see a cloud the same way?”

    That’s nothing against you! We are all entitled to our beliefs and curiosities.

    I, too found it interesting that so many of you have June birthdays! Hope yours was happy!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:26pm

  402. 402: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – just so it’s not misconstrued, I wasn’t making any observation about whether or not you are opposed to astrology. Just a general observation.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:29pm

  403. 403: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I know Sweetpea, and thank you for that. I am actually open to all sorts of things. I happen to love astrology and have had my chart done a couple of times. To see it in detail like that so as to explain the variance from the standard within my sign for example is fascinating and that it is accurate, well…
    kind of gives me chills.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:31pm

  404. 404: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    *H*A*P*P*Y**B*I*R*T*H*D*A*Y* to ALL my Gemini Sisters!!!

    Mine was on the 1st!

    Wishing for you wealth, health and LOVE! <3


    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:33pm

  405. 405: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh, sometimes it feels so hard for me to express by bad feelings to people. I worry that it will cause problems and make people uncomfortable. I feel confused about what is worth saying outloud and what is better to just work out on my own.

    Yesterday I had a situation with LI where I expressed that I had been feeling a bit disconnected from him the past few days. It felt bad when he reacted with defensiveness. I told him how I feel frustrated when I try to express what’s going on with me and he reacts that way. I feel frustrated because when he does that the energy and focus shifts to him and I can’t express what is going on for me. He said he understood but when he hears me express negative feelings his stress level rises very quickly and he feels insecure because he thinks he is doing something wrong and I will want to break up with him. I told him that it would feel so much better if he would just listen and not react by getting stressed out. We said okay and we talked about why I was feeling disconnected. I felt much better after our conversation.

    One thing I was wondering about is I’ve noticed that when I am using lots of feeling messages the men around me start using them too. I feel confused about this. In a way, it feels healthy but in a way I feel confused because aren’t they supposed to be the thinkers and we the feelers?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:34pm

  406. 406: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque: No need for an apology. I did feel bad and I’m practicing expressing this kind of thing when it comes up for me. It doesn’t feel easy but it’s getting better and better.
    And I’m finding that it’s much more bearable when I use feeling messages rather than blaming.

    Oma: Happy birthday to you too Gemini sister!!!

    Sweetpea: Thanks for the birthday wishes! I do feel a little confused about what you were wanting to communicate to me in the rest of the post though.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:46pm

  407. 407: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess:

    I think its great that when you share your feelings that your man starts to mirror that back and speaks how he feels! That is a great way to be emotionally intimate.

    As his tendency is to get defensive it may help for you to practice some communication skills that will shift HOW you communicate your feelings.

    I give this template to my clients:

    I feel ______________.
    When you _______________.
    Can we please _____________?

    Another option on that last part is:
    Would you please ______________?

    See how he responds when you utilize this. Please let me know how it goes.

    Big Hug,

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:53pm

  408. 408: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you for the birthday wishes!! Much appreciated and I am feeling the love!


    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:55pm

  409. 409: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Gina: I feel weird because I don’t want you to think because I mentioned that my skin cleared up when I changed my diet, that I think you have bad skin. I was just remembering that I used to pick, and then realized that I hadn’t in a while and then remembered that my skin also cleared up quite a bit since then. I was remembering my experience but not trying to project it on to your situation. It also felt good to mention that about changing my diet because like I said, I stugfled with it well into my late twenties and it would have felt great to know earlier that I could have fixed it by just eliminating a few things from my diet. I felt inspired to express that not specifically to you but for someone who may be reading and struggling with the same issues.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 2:56pm

  410. 410: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry if I came off as blunt: I was just clarifying that I have a picking problem not a skin problem.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:07pm

  411. 411: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a toxic man addiction problem, an overeating problem, a time-discipline problem, and a cheesecake addiction problem.

    And I’m weird: I like teddy bears.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:10pm

  412. 412: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I love my attitude problem!

    LOL! Lava fest, Daria! Let’s trigger each other! YUM!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:12pm

  413. 413: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I want to call Ryan.
    I want to call Ryan.
    I want to call Ryan.
    I want to call Ryan.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:13pm

  414. 414: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Do you like teddy bears?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:13pm

  415. 415: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Oma!

    I will try this out and report back. It makes sense to me.

    If I say “I’m feeling disconnected” he seems to feel confused and jumps to worse case scenario.

    Yet if I say “I feel disconnected from you when we are doing lots of practical stuff and around lots of other people. Could we please take a few moments during that time to check-in and share some romantic connection”

    I could see how he would take that better. Actually, that’s what we eventually came to and he was understanding and happy to do it. It would be nice though to bypass the defensiveness that first came up.

    We have been busy the last week with friends, and family gatherings, and working together and while we were around each other a lot, I wasn’t feeling the romance that we normally share. It felt really great that he understood and wanted to connect with me in that way too. Hmmmm I feel really happy and satisfied with how open he is to growing and evolving and creating our relationship to be what we want.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:15pm

  416. 416: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Gina: I feel supportive of you and you picking problem although maybe now it is your PAST picking problem as it sounds like you are already on the path to eliminating it.

    I liked reading what you wrote about Abe and the ice cream. It feels good to be reminded of that.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:21pm

  417. 417: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:


    what about:

    I want to be in a loving relationship with a man who is super in to me!

    I want to be in a loving relationship with a man who is super in to me!

    I want to be in a loving relationship with a man who is super in to me!

    I want to be in a loving relationship with a man who is super in to me!

    I feel so much better when I focus on that versus laser focusing on one man.

    How does it feel to you?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:26pm

  418. 418: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ack I feel triggered!

    I feel ICKY reading the Could we please…

    it feels UBER (hidden) MASCULINE energy to me

    I get an image (i’ve had before) of the “emotional therapy” wife… who dominates talks to her husband like he’s a child”

    like… that feels not very in agreement with our relationship honey.. could we please use our indoor voices when we share our feelings?


    – this may not be the way it feels/works for you Orna, or LG –

    I feel terribly triggered by it, and it feels super directive and masculine to me

    I really feel awed by Rori’s

    I feel… I don’t want… , What do you think?

    because GOSH – IT FEELS SCARY! I mean, im giving up aLL CONTROL of the outcome

    no Could we please “have my outcome here”

    I feel uncomfortable many times expressing uncomfortable feelings and want to jump to directing… sometimes i DO ack

    sometimes it feels like im going around /Not being able to express clearly when I don’t say what I want.

    sometimes saying what I want is appropriate, I don’t want to say what I want from him…

    I wish Rori would do some more posts around – when to say what we want and when to totally give up control

    What would I do in LG’s situation? Which I have been in … hmmmmm?

    I would feel terribly uncomfortable! ACK

    I’ve been feeling not so close romantically like before… I miss that… I don’t want to blame you or make you wrong… I feel afraid of that happening once I share this…

    What do you think?

    I feel so uncomfortable.. I feel afraid this will be taken as blaming or making you wrong and that’s not what I want… I would just feel so much better to get this out… I’ve been feeling distant… I miss feeling close and romantic… what do you think?

    Ack feels freakin scary


    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:31pm

  419. 419: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    More practicing for Daria –

    I feel more disconnected when we are doing a lot of stuff with people than when we were having our alone time… I miss that… I don’t want to go without having at least a bit of alone time, even when we’re busy… what do you think?

    ahh that feels relieving

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:33pm

  420. 420: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    or what do you think we can do?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:35pm

  421. 421: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    18 years ago, I got rejected by a theater company, and it was crummy how they did it, and my parents told them off and made sure that they didn’t receive as much government funding that year. I never returned till 3 years ago I worked in the box office, and it was miserable. I’m embarrassed to say I got fired. I love my guilt. Anyway, next month, there are auditions for Snow White, and I want to be Snow White real bad. REAL BAD. And I think it would be awesome to audition. but I’m scared that the lady my mom told off will be there. I could use a stage name!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:37pm

  422. 422: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol Daria! I feel so amused by your posts! I enjoy hoe you practice working things out on here & give us all examples to think about.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:38pm

  423. 423: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I have some more thoughts about what you said about wanting to call Ryan that I feel inspired to share.

    Sometimes it feels good to me to look at what I say and dissect it to it’s very literal meaning. When I hear you say “I want to call Ryan” I feel doubtful that that is what you literally want. I feel doubtful that what you really want is to call him. It feels more likely that you want to have a meaningful conversation with him, or that you want to have a connection with a man that you feel attracted to, etc etc.

    Hmmm, I feel weird that I’m not making sense…

    I feel confident that when we say things lime this they are actually prayers of a sort. I feel better when I am literally expressing what I actually want.

    In this situation, I feel doubtful that you really just want to call Ryan. In fact, my guess is if you did you would probably feel bad about leaning forward.

    I feel curious if my train off thought is making any sense?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:40pm

  424. 424: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    and I felt really angry and triggered and am going to express it here ufff

    when I read Tinque’s statment about “that’s just how I am, when I’m (approx) dating someone seriously I don’t look at other men. I’m just not interested”

    because I FELT separated from.

    as in, um yeah, most of us think we are that way, and feel not interested. that’s why it’s so difficult for Rori to get sirens started on circular dating

    I felt disconnected when I read (in general) “that’s just how i am”

    i get triggered to – UM OK, so what makes you think I’m not

    WHY? do I feel triggered this way? and ANGRY?

    I feel a bit confused

    I love my confusion. I don’t like feeling left out, or feeling like someone is separating from me.

    That’s just how I am. I don’t like when people say that’s just how I am.

    I’m processing through my trigger here

    I feel mad that … I didn’t use to feel interested in other men when I was dating one. And now I am, due to practicing circular dating.

    So how I am has changed. and that triggers me because?

    it triggers me because.. it feels removed from me… it gives me a picture of like BAR DEFENSE UP…


    I feel left out reading that. And I feel ANGRY.

    hehe I feel like I’m avoiding what I feel.

    Hi Trigger

    I INTEND to heal you dammit

    I LOVE YOU!!!




    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:42pm

  425. 425: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I feel understanding of what you are saying and I can see how saying “could we please” may feel more directive than saying “I don’t want”. The thought crossed my mind too. But then I felt curious if by saying “could we please take some time to check in and connect romantically” I could leave it up to him tondtermine what that looks like.

    It would feel bad to say “could you please kiss me even when other people are around” or could you do this or that. The other statement feels open-ended and less directive…to me.

    I also feel good about your practice statements, esp. the last one.

    I feel good about using I don’t want too.

    I don’t want for us to lose our romantic vibe just because we are busy. I don’t want to get distracted from each other just because we are busy.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 3:51pm

  426. 426: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel longing!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:08pm

  427. 427: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m just like that though. When I like someone in a special way, there’s just no looking around. I’m not interested.”

    Hmm. Wow. Now THAT feels familiar! :)

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:13pm

  428. 428: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    The picking topic is total synchronicity with our household discussion last night — my son and his gf were talking about picking and popping blackheads. It was an intense, long convo, and they were asking for my input. Lol. Crazy! Is it like national picking awareness week or something?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:15pm

  429. 429: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Orna, for the gemini bday wishes!

    I have always loved being a gemini.

    Happy Birthday to all the ones I didn’t say it to yet!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:16pm

  430. 430: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel really good about how you are processing your triggers. <3

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:18pm

  431. 431: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL! doesn’t it tho. I’m just like that too.

    well I was.

    now I’m like this.

    oh gosh. when i DID have feelings for another man, and I was dating or having sex with a new one,



    I FELT LIKE it WAS WRONG… star crossedly wrong, to have feelings for the man I was in love with, and be dating a new man, it was DOOMED


    why would this happen why why why!!!

    and when I liked only one, he didnt want to be with me


    the drama, the poetic, romantic “stillettos and pain” of it all

    i love me

    i feel glad to have changed this about myself

    and be focusing on me

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:18pm

  432. 432: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Truly either way is great and its good to switch it up and use what works for you in the moment.

    What I like about “Could we please __________?” is that it gives me the opportunity to express what what I desire which is also is a subdivision of speaking how I feel.

    I find that most men want to “solve the problem” while women like to share the emotion.

    So the “Could we please ___________?” presents a request that includes a solution of sorts.

    Certainly I feel… I don’t want… , What do you think? is great too and I find that I switch them up and use them both.

    Daria: I am feeling curious as to why this came up for you: “no Could we please “have my outcome here””

    “Can we please” is a request. . .

    Big Hug,

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:23pm

  433. 433: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Orna –

    because asking for something from what I understand from Rori is directive masculine energy.

    And feminine energy doesn’t control the outcome -by presenting a solution.

    This allows the man to come up with his own solution

    which can make me feel very uncomfortable sometimes! when I already have a solution in mind – masculine energy

    so in feminine energy as Rori presents it is to NOT make requests… instead state what we don’t want

    in her book she has particular examples where she discusses this:

    like not to ask a man to take out the garbage.

    Instead: Ohh i feel disgusted looking at the garbage. I don’t want to take out the garbage.

    then (perhaps) not right that second… the man will have space to step in and do something of his own inspiration and

    will also be inspired to do more and more

    when we ask for a particular outcome, we may / or may not get it, but it puts us in masculine –

    the man may come up with a different BETTER solution, maybe mabye not “Be Surprised” is the last part of the mantra

    we can tell him that doesn’t feel good, if it doesn’t

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:32pm

  434. 434: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Yes! I completely agree! :-)

    The template I have up top is one that I use when I’m speaking how I feel – so the Can we please? is relating specifically to that interaction. Not in general – certainly not in “trying to get my man to take an action.”

    Rori and I have had conversations about the template I use and she loves it. I cannot recall exactly what she said at the time (its been awhile), but I know it was not at all perceived as “bad” or “masculine” by her.

    This template is based in what is called “non-violent communication” which is a way of taking responsibility for our own feelings while communicating them.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:44pm

  435. 435: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    For me, I used to also feel that way about only not being open to other men when I am interested in one.

    I feel differently about that now. Rather than looking for “the one” I feel better thinking that there are many many men out there that I could have an amazing relationship with. I don’t feel attached to any one man because I believe the most important connection I am seeking is with myself and with the universal creative energy (God). I feel confident that energy can produce an infinite number of men I can choose from. I feel excited about the idea of exploring the many different forms of creation that can show up. I feel best when I balance my desire to explore with my desire for stability and going deep with one person. Right now, I feel hopeful that I would be okay if things didn’t work out with LI. It feels bad to me when I just think there is the “one” because then I find myself clingy and feeling despair if it doesn’t work out with him. I feel resistant to setting myself up to feel despair.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:48pm

  436. 436: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oma: I love non-violent communication! I studied it for a bit and it was my introduction to feeling messages. I wish I would remember to use it more often.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:52pm

  437. 437: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Also, I like to take it real easy, but then, when I am passionate about something, I really go for it. But I spend a lot of time chilling out waiting for inspiration. And that seems to piss people off. Like they seem to say, where do you get off?? My mom used to pick on me for moving slow and doing things the way I do, but then, when I became anorexic, she stopped trying so hard to change me. It feels like crap to think that someone doesn’t like who I inherently am. I guess that’s my biggest fear – that I’m a bad person…Writing that out, it seems totally ridiculous, cause I get to choose. But I have to admit, that I walk around asking people for validation. I feel very good about how I’ve been treating people lately, and I feel like I can look pretty. Before, I didn’t feel like I could “face” people. I was ashamed.
    I feel inspired to play snow white at the local theater that has rejected me so much in the past – just for kicks!! and I feel inspired to maybe get into montessori training for a local preschool. I’m definitely subbing their, but maybe this is something I can get invested in. I feel a strong need to identify myself with some sort of cause. Whether it be motherhood or a career or philanthropy. Right now I’m sort of hanging out. I’m independent, but I feel like everyone is ready form me to do more. I guess I do need to carry my fair share of productivity in physical form. But I feel accomplished when i daydream. No joke. K, go clean my apartment!!!!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:53pm

  438. 438: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    “I don’t feel attached to any one man because I believe the most important connection I am seeking is with myself and with the universal creative energy (God). I feel confident that energy can produce an infinite number of men I can choose from. I feel excited about the idea of exploring the many different forms of creation that can show up.”

    BRAVA!!! What a great space to be in!!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:55pm

  439. 439: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    So then Daria, as I continue to process the Family Guy situation, I am working on scripts….just in case I hear from him again and I decide to go out with him – who knows I might just tell him to go jump in the lake.

    this is my script-
    After the time we spent 2 weeks ago, I felt so incredibly wonderful and filled with warmth, lightness and joy, such positive energy and that stayed with me for days. And after a while, I began to feel forgotten, abandoned and like all we had together was a one-night-stand. And what I don’t want is to get into a meaningless dating relationship where I push you away from me. What do you think?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 4:56pm

  440. 440: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    I love it too! I have a friend who is an “Expert” with a high level degree in NVC and she often attends the live events/workshops that my husband and I have. I like having her in the room for people who may need some extra support.

    It takes practice just like every other tool.

    I first learned it at a self-defense class!! It was one of the greatest gifts I gave myself after my ex bf had beat me up. Knowing that I could defend myself made me feel so much safer in the world.

    Where did you study?

    Big Hug,

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:00pm

  441. 441: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel appreciative of this conversation Oma and Daria. I feel understanding of both of your points. From reading this discussion, I feel more confident and comfortable using both phrases “could we please” and “I don’t want”. I see the benefits of both. When I say “could we please” it feels better to make an open-ended suggestion so that he still has space to surprise me. I feel excited to experiment with both and see how they feel.

    I also feel happy because through this conversation, I feel more aware of how I could tweak my feeling messages by adding for than “I feel”. As I said before, just saying “I feel disconnected” caused a panic reaction in him. If I had added either ending…I don’t want, what do you think” or “when, could we please” would have felt more clear and less stressful.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:01pm

  442. 442: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oma: I studied with a couple of different teachers in Hawaii. It’s quite popular over there.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:07pm

  443. 443: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina ! hi five on that way of doing things and pissing people off hehe!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:08pm

  444. 444: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I’m in on that high five too! It’s pissing off my kids and my parents. :) but they’ll learn . . .

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:13pm

  445. 445: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie –

    hmmm… if this were me… I wouldn’t say that.

    I would stick to in the moment feeling messages.

    Hi… wow I feel surprised and good to hear from you!

    Him… really surprised why? or… ohh ive been busy busy

    Me… oh yeah.. I feel weird saying this, but I felt pretty bad not hearing from you for so long. I don’t feel comfortable going so long not connecting with someone I felt that close to… what do you think?

    and you’re off!!!

    basically I like your message except for the “meaningless dating relationship part” I felt zoned out there… cuz i don’t get whta that means… I just felt pulled on like you wanted something from me and i felt uncomfortable

    i mean, you’re dating… whats meaningless about that… what relationship

    it’s (circular) dating or engaged? you’re not engaged so clearly you’re dating…

    that part feels weird and confusing

    I would look to state clearly what I didn’t want…

    like going so much time without hearing from a man im dating , feeling close and then feeling distant, feeling THIS WAY, etc

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:14pm

  446. 446: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am slightly familiar with the basic NVC template…

    when you do … i feel …. and this doesn’t meet my need for…

    when I read it, it doesn’t feel as feminine for me as giving up control of the outcome completely – no suggestions or mentioning you’s

    actually the above template is pretty feminine hehe

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:17pm

  447. 447: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel squeezy cringy inside because I feel afraid that my “past way of doing things” is letting me down.


    and i feel stressed and worried a lot, and stuck

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:18pm

  448. 448: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Gina: I feel creeped out about creeper. I don’t want to jumped to conclusions. It feels better to give him the benefit of the doubt but yes, I feel creeped out hearing about his behavior.

    I also feel curious about what you said about LOA and not wanting to call him creeper because of that.

    I’m trying to imagine what Esther would say about this. I’m guessing that she would say to focus on the postive aspects of this. Like

    -well, he hasn’t done anything dangerous so far.
    -It feels good to know that I have the support of the building manager
    -I know that I create my own reality and Im not going to attract something bad in my life
    -I will continue to stay in the vortex and this will easily and effortlessly fade out of my life
    -all is well and I am safe

    It feels good to practice my deliberate creation skills. I feel hopeful that you won’t mind me practicing on your situation. I feel hopeful that this passes easily fir you and you can feel safe. I feel confident that things will work out well.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:19pm

  449. 449: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    My experience and observations with the popular “I feel … when you …can we please?” template is that it is very easy to slip blame and controlling behavior in there without realizing it. Yes, you can work at it, and learn to avoid those things, but I have seen couples get really lost trying to do that without outside facilitation. Then they say, “We’re doing the formula, but we’re still not hearing each other, still blaming each other, and still fighting.”

    I prefer Rori’s template for that reason, and was actually pretty excited to find it after being exposed to the older one for so long.

    Just my two cents.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:20pm

  450. 450: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious about whether it is “a man i’m dating” or “a man I went on a date with or maybe two or three dates and I may or may not go on another one depending on if he calls and if I want to.”

    When does it become “a man I’m dating”? as opposed to the latter?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:27pm

  451. 451: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I feel like giving you a hug and whispering how awesome you are in your ear. And I would keep whispering it and whispering it until finally you surrendered to believing me just so I would shut up :-)

    and then you wouldn’t feel stuck because you would realize that you are exactly who and where you are supposed to be and all is well and that life is a deliscious unfolding.

    And then we would sing and dance and cry and celebrate our lovely lives.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:27pm

  452. 452: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Oh ya, and I would also tickle you til you peed your pants

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:34pm

  453. 453: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lol Laughing Goddess!! hahhaa
    thank you

    I feel lonely!

    I want to go hang out and laugh and go out together with someone I feel good with, even for a drive,

    gonna go out by myself tho



    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:42pm

  454. 454: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling excited about my plan for getting productive and reducing procrastination!

    Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all that I want to do. I also feel unable to truly relax when I am trying to relax because part of me feels guilty for not doing. So… I have been experimenting with this “15 minute game) and i feel hopeful that it can help me get on track. When I feel stuck knowing that there is something that I “need” to do, I end up just sitting around and doing nothing. I’m all for doing nothing but this kind of doing nothing feels bad.

    So, when I’m feeling that way, I am starting to get up and spend 15 minutes doing something that I have been procrastinating. Just 15 minutes, that’s it!

    For example, if I feel inspired to watch a Man Men marathon, it feels better to spend 15 minutes in between episodes to do something productive. This feels good. I am going to try and incorporate this more and more!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:42pm

  455. 455: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I feel pretty hurt annoyed and disrespected when you talk like you are the king of the world and your opinion is the only one out there… can we please agree that you won’t talk like that anymore?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:44pm

  456. 456: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria, I feel such warmth for you I shall send a kiss to the middle of your lovely forehead for a thank you.

    Me… oh yeah.. I feel weird saying this, but I felt pretty bad not hearing from you for so long. I don’t feel comfortable going so long not connecting with someone I felt that close to… what do you think?

    My boy energy says I must really work at staying in the now – which you do so beautifully. Stay present, feel my world, acknowledge my feelings.

    Lucy, I also did non-violent communications and found that it is exceptionally easy to get off track. And like you describe, it is very easy for the parties to get back in to “you did”. I much prefer the Rori method. I find the practice one step at a time helpful:

    I feel tension in my chest
    I feel pain in my feet
    I feel like my shoulders are rubbing against my ear lobes

    then to begin to move through the experience. Interestingly I have been practicing with the hot -flashes. My cycle is about every 20 minutes and in the evening every 15 minutes.

    I feel the zap of heat beginning in my belly at the very centre of the bottom of my rib cage. The heat rapidly floods up into my lungs and wraps around to my back and fills my chest. Like a striking a match the heat radiates up my neck and it throbs. It goes into my chin and flashes down the chin line to my ears. They pulsate and radiate into every hair follicle and it feels like little bon-fires are lit in every hair. I can see glowing fires all over my hair. Since I am on fire, the fire engine arrives on my forehead and a flood of water begins but it sprays in the oddest of places running down the side of my face and between my breasts, a river flows down the centre of my back, to the top of my bum, and running faster and faster down the back of my knees and soaking my underwear. I breathe deeply into my belly and filling my lungs with cool air. My lips feel swollen…. hot flashes make my body feel completely alive, totally out of control for just a second, I love walking around almost naked while others are bundled-up, I love to feel the wetness and prickling on my skin when the cool air graces my body, I love my hot flashes

    I timed them while I was getting my nails done today….90 seconds.

    I have discovered bamboo t-shirts – AWESOME!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:46pm

  457. 457: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy and everyone that was a joke . just for fun. the same can be done with any template


    I feel like you piss me off. I don’t want you to talk like you’re the king of the world anymore. what do you think about that?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:51pm

  458. 458: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess, RE: #400 – Thank you! Yes,

    I want to be with a man who is super into me!
    I want to be with a man who is super into me!
    I want to be with a man who is super into me!
    I want to be with a man who is super into me!
    I want to be with a man who is super into me!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:52pm

  459. 459: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Umm Lizzie – whoa I felt turned on reading about your hot flashes! i feel a lil embarassed about this!

    your riffs feel like staring at something fixated with my mouth open

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:52pm

  460. 460: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I feel pretty hurt annoyed and disrespected when you talk like you are the king of the world and your opinion is the only one out there… can we please agree that you won’t talk like that anymore?

    Alrightie – for a non violent communication, I feel the overwheming desire to hit you now

    So lets try turn that into a Rori way of engaging…

    With these words and attitudes, I am feeling disrespected and so deeply hurt I am on the edge of crying, what I don’t want right now is to damage our relationship, what do you think?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:54pm

  461. 461: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I have a toxic man addiction and a cheesecake addiction too.
    I love my addictions.
    I’ve been emailing with B.
    I feel proud of myself. He started telling me about how he doesnt’ have a motorcycle yet, I said I dont want to talk about that now.
    I want to talk about me. If we are doing any communicating we are focusing on me.
    My feelings, my thougths, my wants and don’t wants.
    I said that I cant feel better until I feel acknowledged. I can’t move past this.
    I don’t know if there *IS* a past this.
    But I know I dont’ wannna hear about a stupid motorcycle if I still haven’t felt heard about my issues.
    F*ck that noise.
    I have a coffee date tomorrow. With POF guy who has three degrees. He leans foward big time.
    I have another one on monday with Eharmony military communications guy.
    Good times.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:54pm

  462. 462: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess, RE: #406 – What I really want is for Ryan to call me, apologize for messing up our beautiful romance last year, and ask if we could get a fresh start. And for him to make up for ripping my heart out by treating me like a total princess full time.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:57pm

  463. 463: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie ACK! honestly i feel like I MUST ESCAPE!!! I DON’t know what you want, i just get the feeling you want something!!!!

    With these words and attitudes, I am feeling disrespected and so deeply hurt I am on the edge of crying, what I don’t want right now is to damage our relationship, what do you think?

    for me that would be:

    I feel awful… ohh I feel like i’m going to cry… I don’t want to feel this way… and I’m feeling really really angry…

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 5:59pm

  464. 464: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Daria you are truly beautiful and I have goosebumps writing this. Your riffs have taught me to be present with my sensations and move them to love. I have learned a great deal from you. thank you from my soul. I shall continue to practice and I can only hope to get to the point where it comes as naturally to me as to you.

    I must sign off now.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:01pm

  465. 465: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori also has statements that accomplish the same thing as Orna’s…

    “It would feel so good to be with a man who…”

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:03pm

  466. 466: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    ohh I feel like i am going to cry…I am feeling so angry like I might explode – I hate feeling this way and I really really don’t want to explode

    how is that?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:04pm

  467. 467: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    jeeze did that ever trigger me! I started to feel that angry. A few months ago I did that….

    I can’t stand it any more…the bickering…and controlling shit…it is so awful.. it feels like I am smothering, I can’t breathe….it feels like everything inside me is on fire and it is going to explode…I freaking hate this feeling… I can’t stand it… I don’t want to be on fire, I don’t want to explode….

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:09pm

  468. 468: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel safe and touched reading that feeling message Lizzie

    and very smily reading what you wrote to me yay!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:10pm

  469. 469: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina, RE: #420 – Daydreaming

    I had an unusual meeting with a US attorney for over an hour in 1990. He told me a lot of stuff off the record, to help me succeed in life!

    He said he works about 60 hrs a week, but he found it a valuable use of time to spend a lot of time thinking! That validated the need to think I had been feeling. Ever since then, I have a lot of down time that IS productive! I really value that time.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:11pm

  470. 470: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I just got back from a brisk walk with my kids in the park, feeling free and fun with the fireflies.

    But reading this now, I feel astounded, my heart feels like a heavy pulsating rock in my chest. It feels like rocket engines burning and roaring, like I can almost hear it — “pkoooooh!”

    Oh it feels so heavy, so discouraging, this feeling in my heart.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:21pm

  471. 471: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like crying.

    Oh, that feeling came after the first one.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:22pm

  472. 472: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Ya, I’m not a fan of the NVC script but I do love the premise behind it.

    I had a teacher once who told me that there is technical NVC and there is colloquial NVC. Colloquial NVC is about saying the words in whatever way feels comfortable as long as the energy is coming from a place of non-blaming, focusing on our feelings, etc. That feels bad to me. I have also seen people use NVC to say really nasty things.

    But I really do love the energy behind what NVC is trying to do. It was great for me at the time but never fully solved my own communication issues.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:26pm

  473. 473: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens!! I am asking for suggestions!! ok Toby Keith guy who’ve I’ve kinda known for about 5 yrs now has messaged me on pof and he said that seeing my profile made him think…

    me: well..what did it make you think?

    him: that we are both on here and we have so much in common…do you have any thoughts?

    me: I feel good about those thoughts…

    him: so now you know what I’m thinking…am I the only one thinking this?


    what do I say here…I’m trying to be normal here but this is a first for me!!

    he hasn’t said a whole lot…so I feel I don’t have a lot to feel about but I do feel I want to get to know him on a more personal level…do I just say that?

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:28pm

  474. 474: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess — “I have also seen people use NVC to say really nasty things.”

    Me too.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:28pm

  475. 475: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    How about, “I feel so happy (trying to be!) a mindreader!”

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:33pm

  476. 476: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, RE: #438 – You said, “Lucy I feel pretty hurt annoyed and disrespected when you talk like you are the king of the world and your opinion is the only one out there… can we please agree that you won’t talk like that anymore?”

    I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks when I read that. I felt shock to the point where I needed to process that for a few moments. Even IF you ARE joking, as I read a few lines later, I still feel shocked and angry, even tho it isn’t directed to me. I don’t like people to abuse my friends, even IF they are joking. This feels yucky and I am walking out the door for some fresh air.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:37pm

  477. 477: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Brenda lol i don’t usually have a hard time knowing what to say but I feel that because I basically know him already I feel a little nervous 😉

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:41pm

  478. 478: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – sorry you felt bad.

    I was making a joke … Lucy had said that it’s easy to use that template to blame someone

    and i made an extreme example… to illustrate how that might be done

    it wasn’t actually related to Lucy or anything she said

    Lucy I hope you didn’t think that it was actually directed to you!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:43pm

  479. 479: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh I feel concerned!!

    The message was supposed to be a joke message to a man. hence the “king of the world” reference

    and was NOT directed toward Lucy.

    I was agreeing with Lucy that that template could be used to blame someone, and made up the most blaming way i could think to use it with a man

    I feel concerned and jumpy and sad that it was misinterpreted that way…

    sorry for the confusion

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:49pm

  480. 480: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad that that may have been what hurt your feelings Lucy.

    I feel a lil suprised and a lil defensive that it wasn’t obvious that it was a joke and not directed at anyone here

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 6:52pm

  481. 481: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I feel scared!

    I feel like NOT FAIR!!! to take my words and misinterpret them and act like i intended to say something else than i didnt

    I feel shakyyy

    I feel super defensive. this is an old trigger or something… i feel unsafe…


    I feel like shocked like whaka where did that come from?

    I didn’t mean that

    I thought we were all good right

    we were laughing?

    i didn’t mean what you thought i meant?

    like if i go sharpen my pencil


    i am not pretending i don’t understand what you’re saying

    i don’t speak english

    stupid lady

    i trusted you

    and I feel shocked and betrayed and weird

    i love my feelings

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:00pm

  482. 482: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the Riff above is NOT about anyone here, its about my 3rd grade teacher

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:01pm

  483. 483: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ughhh i feel triggered

    I feel hella needy and anxious sitting here apologizing for soemthing unintentional

    that something i said was misunderstood and hurt someones feelings

    and im like

    um ok did you get that?

    do you forgive me for what i didnt do?

    or what

    i feel tight in my arms

    i guess i feel resentful

    i felt oh no sad, but now i feel scared

    i feel scared to be ganged up on or attacked


    im going thru some trigger here

    i feel annoyed

    i DON’T want to apologize for what I didn’t do

    I don’t want to be guilttripped

    I feel defensive

    haha no one is even talking to me lol I feel amused

    I feel weird

    this feels weird

    and i love my weird feelings

    I love my tightened up feelings

    I love my fear feelings

    I INTEND to heal this now

    even though i feel afraid. Even though i have the thought that its impossible

    i choose to know that’s a lie

    yum i felt a yawn

    i love my yawn

    I feel angry at Brenda

    ok.. why

    I feel mistrustful

    it reminds me of what dorothea said about being my friend

    but anyway i am here and i’ve already said I didn’t MEAN to hit you with a ton of bricks

    i was joking and i was throwing the Bricks over THERE at an imaginary man

    i feel crinkly brows


    i feel blamed and i don’t like feeling that way.

    I am telling the truth dammit. I intended us to laugh grrr

    i feel weird


    i feel bored of this trigger now!


    that reminds me of rori crying on the floor and gettidng distracted by the hairball haha

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:10pm

  484. 484: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Gina: Happy belated birthday! Now that I’ve admitted publicly that I pick, I’m making a conscious effort to not pick. It starts today. Care to be my accountability partner? We can check in with each other. What do you think?

    And this… I feel a strong need to identify myself with some sort of cause. Whether it be motherhood or a career or philanthropy. Right now I’m sort of hanging out.

    I’m beginning to think we were separated at birth. :-)

    That’s exactly what I’m doing right now. And I also had an eating disorder (bulimia) for many years. I say that loosely because I did it again once about a month ago. First time in a long time. Blech. It felt good to do it but awful after. And I got strep throat the very next day. Kind of God’s way of emphasizing that I don’t need to be doing that anymore.

    LG: I think if one of the guys in your circle asks you out, knowing you’re going out with his buddy, then all bets are off. He’s taken the pressure off of you “deciding”, kwim?

    I can’t keep up with the posts tonight. Ya’ll are on fire today. Sweet dreams Sirens!

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:11pm

  485. 485: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I still feel a lil weird and unsafe. I love my weirdness and unsafeness.

    even if what happens is that people blame me, misinterpret me, don’t hear me. I LOVE MYSELF ! I stand for myself I am down to back myself up


    I am a she bear!!!



    I FEel cornered

    i love my feeling cornenred

    i love my defensiveness

    I feel a yawn i love my yawn

    i love the tightness in my arm

    i do i do

    my arm is strong like a Goddess

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 7:12pm

  486. 486: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I am back from getting ice cream with my kids.

    Daria, I feel peaceful and relieved reading this, like the feeling when the baby has finally come out after all that pushing and pain –> “even if what happens is that people blame me, misinterpret me, don’t hear me. I LOVE MYSELF ! I stand for myself”

    That’s EXACTLY the place I got to the other day when I was feeling so misunderstood and unheard on here about TN man. It was a hard process, to really GET that, kinda like giving birth emotionally. But so GOOD!

    It feels really good to watch you get to that place too, after your processing through what happened.

    We can truly love and accept ourselves unconditionally — no matter what — even if other people don’t.

    I feel hopeful that we can move on from this now, and do our best to love and support each other. <3

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 8:36pm

  487. 487: autumnNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for this, Rori. You rock and make your teachings so reachable to us.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:27pm

  488. 488: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Daria,

    You are so cute! I easily forgive you, girl, and you made me laugh — with you, not at you — all the way thru your riffing and feeling messages.

    I feel happy and relieved to know you weren’t intending to start another lava java brava fest!

    I just really feel impressed and awed, at times, how deeply you reveal your feelings as you unzip your heart. I really appreciate you sharing yourself with us, and I learn from you and relate to you in many ways.

    I can see by the trigger of your third grade teacher that you didn’t intend to attack anyone. I feel relaxed after being the naked mermaid in the dark. While I was there, I processed my anger. And, I, also, felt triggered.

    Just this morning, I had a blow-up with Kenny on the phone. One of my friends, Chris, has gone thru a lot of growth with me over the last three years. Kenny doesn’t understand that. He seems narrow-minded, as if people are unable to change. She hurt me in the past, and he is angry that I have renewed the friendship. He won’t listen to me when I try to discuss with him that she has changed. I know he’s trying to protect me, but he becomes irate whenever she comes up in conversation.

    I try to avoid the topic, like so many other topics I try to avoid with him, where he just becomes unreasonable and I see his worst self. I felt angry when he called her a bad name this morning, something I have told him repeatedly in the past that I don’t like and won’t tolerate.

    He just kept spouting his mouth, then threatening to back way off on our friendship, a manipulation I have seen thru for years now.

    To summarize, I ended the 15 minute conversation saying, “I feel angry! I feel disrespected! I feel manipulated! I don’t like it when you abuse my friends anymore than I like it when you abuse me. I am sick of it!”

    So I am feeling extra-protective of my friends today.

    Daria, thank you for processing this with me. I feel good that I left when I felt like verbally fighting. I feel good that I am addressing this with you now when I feel calm. I feel relieved that you didn’t mean it, and that you are so willing to unzip your heart on here, making yourself vulnerable.

    You’re all right in my book! (((Hugs!)))

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:35pm

  489. 489: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, this is getting ridiculous. First there were three 25 year olds. Then a 23 y o. Now a 20 year old! He’s practically a baby!

    Me: why your interest in someone my age?
    Him: idk you looked cool and yes you are hot lol

    I feel so amused.

    I thought that since I went out with 25 (the original) and got lots of cool messages from that, I would be DONE with these pups!

    I want a grown-up man. Fully grown. 45. Or thereabouts. thank you.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 9:49pm

  490. 490: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I have found that a lot of them like to learn sexual techniques and knowledge of what turns a woman on from an older, more experienced, mature woman who is open to talking about it. I’ve had a few glean knowledge from me. Now I am more wary, cuz it feels like being used.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:02pm

  491. 491: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I was in this boat and I was starting to feel annoyed cuz i started seeing a correlation between stepping up and age

    I freakin REJOICE when a man talks to me that is older or around my age!

    Like right now, this guy who I talked to is 34

    I’m like YESSSSS 34! yahoooo… an old one

    guess what he calls not texts, leaves voicemails, has a car, wants to see me tomorrow, and called tonite to see about tomorro

    ooooh big deals for me actually

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 10:41pm

  492. 492: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks for all the concern about the creeper. I think calling him creeper makes me feel lighter about it – it feels sort of dramatic, like a story, rather than a scary reality. And I can imagine that he was just there at the bar workin his game as “Mr.Mystery” tryin to seduce women with his irresistible cigar smooching. He targeted me as his “prey” for the night, but it isn’t necessarily scary, it’s just unattractive to me, so I’m basically going to shut him out of my life. I feel uncomfortable, and sometimes scared around him, and I would prefer to not even tell him so – I will simply avoid him and reduce him to practically nothing in my perception. ‘

    SS – yes! I’ll let’s help each other be accountable for the picking. Today, I have done fine – no picking at all. I’m about to go wash my face, which tends to lead to picking, but I can choose not to!!! plus, Derek ( a guy who I’m having fun dating) is stopping by to wish me goodnight, so that’s even more incentive not to pick. Sometimes, the more incentive I have to not pick…the more I pick.

    SS – this is a site that has helped me gain perspective on my little problem:

    it’s very comprehensive, and helped me feel like I’m not some freak – that this is a problem that other people struggle with, and it is something I can overcome.

    Friday, 18 June 2010 @ 11:11pm

  493. 493: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria “I freakin REJOICE when a man talks to me that is older and around my age” I totally I agree I feel the same way! Like….YES! This new one for you sounds amazing 😉 yeah 😉
    I’ve typically dated 10 yrs older and I like that…there have been a few who are a year or two younger than me recently but I just feel like they say immature things trying to be funny….But I am keeping an open mind.

    So with TK guy I just ended up saying…I feel good getting to know you better 😉 I like what you said in your profile.

    That’s it! I feel like I’m leaning so far back I’m going to disappear lol I’ve been feeling nervous and anxious like I didn’t let him know I was interested enough…I’ve thought about writing more just so he knows and then my other voice kicks in and is like “HELL no you’re not going to write again…he knows..and it’s not like he’s said a whole lot either! So I’m breathing and sinking breathing and sinking…
    and he’s like icecream right? yum 😉 not holding on…I can’t remember who compared men to icecream…but it stuck with me lol

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 5:13am

  494. 494: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I need to think with me head, not my heart always…I am seeing a man today and we are going for a road trip. We used to date in high school and found ea. other years later here. He is very sweet…but never really did much but work in stores and played in his band at night. He did go to school and study computers but didn’t do alot with it. Now he’s more mature and on disability. I feel sort of attracted to him because of his quiet and sweet demeanor…and boy can he play that guitar!!! But seriously, I know I have to be practical here. I broke up with him way back when and he still is willing to see me? Sort of a compliment. But I really would not want to hurt him again. I need to think about everything…..

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 5:47am

  495. 495: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I moved within 2 miles of Ryan’s old house just 3 months after he moved. I often feel sad and lonely driving down the roads we used to drive together. Today there were yard sales in his neighborhood. I drove thru just to see his house. There was a man taking stuff out of his car with a happy dog running around the driveway.

    I wished it was Ryan. I wished it was our house and our dog and our happy Saturday. I am on the verge of tears cuz on the way home I was processing my feelings. I’m finally getting the idea of desiring a good man who treats me well, not one particular man. But i think Ryan is a fool.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:13am

  496. 496: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    He still lives close by the way, just 15 miles. But I only want him if he is going to treat me like the princess that he said he would. Before he got psychologically abusive and kept leading me on and then hurting me when i responded to his love.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:15am

  497. 497: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    20: lol you think im just after sex?

    Me: pretty much lol

    20: haha not the case

    Me: aw come on, what else would a 20 y o want with a 48 yo ? Homemade cookies?

    20: lol maybe

    Me: so, sex and cookies

    20: if its cool with you?

    Me: lol

    20: lol

    Me: your mom can make your cookies

    20: lol i dont even wanna know how youre gonna finish that

    I feel amused and laughing.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 10:16am

  498. 498: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel very happy that I got an email today from the Sculptor!

    (He is 50, if I remember correctly. We only emailed a bit. He lives in the city you know who lives in.)

    I thought I wasn’t going to hear from him again, because it has been a couple weeks. So I didn’t think about him much at all — he was gone with the wind as far as I could tell.

    But he wants to send me pics of the mosaic project that has been keeping him busy. And he is coming to my area in July to bid on a sculpture contract and he wants to see me then.

    I feel smiley and peaceful.

    This is what I copied from somewhere on the blog and keep next to my desk and read a zillion times a day:

    Be surprised!
    Be nonchalant.
    Be into your life.
    Be into your friends.
    Be into your family.
    Be into your hobbies.
    Be happy.


    “Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.”

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 10:27am

  499. 499: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    That’s funny!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 10:27am

  500. 500: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel disappointed – there’s a guy, Derek, who I was starting to like. Everything feels good…except he seems to have no penis. Or at least it’s very very small. I haven’t officially investigated, but I don’t feel all that curious even. Is that too superficial a reason to say “next!” or do I go with my feelings?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 11:14am

  501. 501: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really annoyed with this new pof email. What do you Sirens feel? —

    “Hi…you must be new on here, and I must tell you – your pics got my attention…call me superficial, but my attraction to someone starts with the face, the smile, and yes – the body…(you must understand – there’s a ton of women on this site that say they have an average body, but in reality – have a few extra pounds – lol)…but I also have to have that mental connection, which makes the physical connection even better, and I like what you say in your profile about what you’re looking for…would love to hear back from you (you can ask me anything you like)”

    I list my body as “average” — I used to put “a few extra pounds” because that is TRUE — but one of my dates told me that I should change it to “average” because I am smaller than most women who write “a few extra pounds”! ARGH!!!!

    The truth is “average” IS “a few extra pounds.”

    So, there’s one pic on there that this guy saw that shows my body in a short, fitted dress — the pic is kinda dark and small — and I don’t look as good in real life as he apparently thinks I do. All the rest of the pics just show my face and part of my upper body.

    I feel annoyed and kinda turned off by his email. What do you think?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 11:18am

  502. 502: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Gina, you are so superficial! (sarcasm!!)

    So, um, how do you know if you haven’t investigated?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 11:20am

  503. 503: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    I don’t know what other Sirens will respond to this.. But personally, i feel turned off, i feel like the guy is trying to be too ‘over-smart’.. If I had ever got such email, perhaps, I wouldn’t have responded him back….

    Though I don’t know how others may feel, but personally that’s how I felt….

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 11:30am

  504. 504: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    well, there has been close contact with clothes still on, and I feel nothing. nothing at all. sometimes, if the angle is just right i feel a little bit of something….but that’s it. And I feel frustrated…The first time we made out, i did well at discarding the thought of never getting to feel a big hard penis again if I stick with this guy, by thinking: mmm…ice cream…But this time, the ice cream imagery wasn’t so powerful, or at least I didn’t fully engage. I think his message is to lean back and let a man love me and give me everything he’s got (which he does do that, physically – I definitely don’t feel like he’s just trying to show off his Cock and move on, like with some guys) sigh…

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 11:44am

  505. 505: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina – I’ve been in a situation similar to this before. A guy who was doing everything else right, but seemed disappointing in the endowment department. It turned out he was just so into me that he was nervous. Once he got more comfortable, I was definitely not disappointed. So if everything else is good, I would wait until you have confirmation before you decide. Meanwhile, if you can stay detached from the outcome, & trust that you are attracting what you need – & I believe that includes physically – he will either keep giving you what you need or he will fade out of your life & it won’t be an issue.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:13pm

  506. 506: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Here is my POF go-away note:
    “thank you so much for your email and interest – I am flattered. I have taken the time to give some serious thought to your note and your profile. At this time, I have a sense there is a good match. I would like to thank you and wish you all the best in finding the light of your life on here”

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:18pm

  507. 507: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    oops – “there is not a good match…”

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:21pm

  508. 508: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    A question for the wonderful sirens here – apparently tomorrow is Father’s Day….(since my kids father went AWOL, we don’t pay much attention to this…)
    But, recent guy – Family Guy is a terrific dad of 2 – one of whom is totally disabled and he provides the care when he has the kids 50% of the time. We have only had 4 dates but they were awesome. I want to send a “happy father’s day” email. Is that leaning in? or is it ok to just do something like:

    “I am feeling the urge to wrap my arms around you and giving you a big happy father’s day kiss”

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:25pm

  509. 509: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie – could you please tell him that the “average woman” in America is a size 14?

    And that putting down other women is not a good way to make a good impression?

    I feel so triggered by this guy. Seriously though, your message sounds soft & feminine to me.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:25pm

  510. 510: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks sweetpea – that helps!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:26pm

  511. 511: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina – that feels good to hear.

    I also wanted to tell you yesterday that on most city government sites, there is public record of sex offenders. You might check yours – you should be able to find them by location. Just for your peace of mind with the cigar guy. A girl can never be too safe… I hope he just fades out for you, too. One question I have though – did he know you go to the Salsa bar? And did he know you would be there that night – meaning is it a routine place you go on a specific night?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:33pm

  512. 512: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    #1CD showed up for our date at the resort last night with a birthday cake, card, and an iPod as a gift. My birthday is in February. I had told him before that it has often happened to me that I have to remind the man I’m dating that my birthday is coming up. He said he wanted to fix that… he had wrapped the gift, written a sweet note in the card, and the birthday cake had my name written on it. I seriously have not had a birthday cake in maybe 15 years.

    Then we went and enjoyed the most incredible meal – champagne, steak, handmade chocolates – that I have ever tasted… on a deck overlooking the ocean.

    ummm… okay, so I’m 36, have dated A LOT, and have always dreamt about being swept off my feet. Could this be the One!?

    I don’t know. All I know is that I feel so much like a cherished, beautiful, loved woman right now, I really can’t believe it! I’m not even on cloud nine… I’m like, in another world altogether. sigh.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:35pm

  513. 513: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetpea, I di give advice to the guys on a fairly regular basis – it is really fun to advise the young things about how poorly the more mature 40-50 year olds age soooo badly. Then a friend and I had some fun and posted a fake profile “barhag” as the source of all good advice for guys. We had so much fun putting that one together. Have a look. Your settings must allow you to look at women – you may have set yourself up to not be able to be accessed by women, but I think you can check – go to search then “by user name” enter “barhag” and have a laugh.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:40pm

  514. 514: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Siena, I feel tears of happiness for you! and a pulse in my heart to feel this is so possible! Thank you so much for sharing and I as well will cherish the gift to you.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:43pm

  515. 515: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Siena, I feel SO HAPPY for your happiness. I LOVE IT that you’re floaty on cloud 9 … YAY!!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:50pm

  516. 516: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, I also am crying with gratitude. None of this would have happened had I not found Siren Island. Seriously!

    I just can’t say enough about what Rori teaches. It really really works! yay! I’m pinching myself!

    …and the thing is, I don’t even know what the future holds, but in a way, it doesn’t matter! I’ve been given this gift, and it’s something that will never be taken away from me.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 12:52pm

  517. 517: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena – yay! I feel so happy for you!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 1:03pm

  518. 518: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie – I’m hesitant to change my settings , but I might brave it. I changed my settings once to take a test – I wanted to see what it would say from a male perspective – now I keep having to change my search settings from male seeking male! Ugh!
    I just changed it back to female seeking male again yesterday & am hoping it sticks this time.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 1:13pm

  519. 519: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, I am very happy for you! That is wonderful! Enjoy your crowning moment!

    Gina, Size seriously matters. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with no sex. I used to be shy about that. I “knew” this man 3.5 years with an on-an-off relationship. He was in prison the first 2 yrs of it, and I traveled to Arizona from Oklahoma (where I went to college) twice to visit him.

    Finally we decided that we will never be sure we are right for each other unless we live in the same state. I moved to Arizona, and my second night there, we had sex…or at least tried to. His thing was like a button soft and honestly 1 or 2 inches hard. Sex was impossible for him.

    I was very naive at that time about everything, and I didn’t know what to do, but I felt horrified thinking of spending my life with him! Thankfully, 10 days after I arrived, he showed me his immaturity and temper, and the relationship ended anyway.

    Now I will wait for the right moment and discuss sex with a man. I will ask him straight out how many inches he has. NO, that is not superficial. It is very important.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 1:37pm

  520. 520: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Altho I wouldn’t be thrilled to receive a response like that, I wouldn’t let it be a total turn-off, either. He is just saying it as he thinks, and it’s not disrespectful, I don’t think. I would at least give him a chance.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 1:39pm

  521. 521: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    But Brenda, if he hadn’t been an immature A-hole, but instead was very loving and pursued you aggressively, would size matter??

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 2:22pm

  522. 522: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina – I have a friend whose first husband was very well-endowed, but did not make any effort to please her sexually. Her second husband is not so well endowed, smaller than average, but since he doesn’t rely on size, is a very skilled lover. So… She is more sexually satisfied w/ her second husband. So, I’m absolutely positive that size is as important as having a lover who concentrates on the woman’s gratification.

    I think Brenda had a good point in that her guy did fade out of her life. I wouldn’t waste a lot of time worrying about what might be. Like I said, you are attracting what’s right for you, so your man will satisfy you sexually no matter what. If this guy can’t, he’s not it. Period.

    Just my thoughts…

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 2:40pm

  523. 523: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    If he’s capable of having sex, fine. But with one or two inches HARD, there is NO WAY. The wife of a man like that would live her life in misery!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 2:42pm

  524. 524: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    This is nit true there are other ways to please a woman and some women have shallow vaginas. Pussies. I personally would feel weird. But who knows. If I were Gina I mite ask about his papi thang

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 2:57pm

  525. 525: laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:


    Wow! I feel so thrilled to hear that you are being treated like a goddess!

    yay yay yay yay yay!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 2:57pm

  526. 526: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon, Gina

    Wow….I can’t believe I’m going to admit this but I too skin pick. I had flawless skin until I had my son was born seven years ago and developed OCD after he was born a severe symptom of which is skin picking. My skin used to heal so quickly so it didn’t really show itself at first but now although my OCD is under control for the most part this is one area I struggle with because it is so routine and I find it almost stress relieving.

    I cannot wear the clothes I would like to at the moment because it is noticable especially where I pick over and over (I hardly give the skin time to heal) but I do this where I know I can cover it up but it is an issue for me when dating as I don’t know how I could hide it forever. Interestingly I suffered from Bulima for a short while when I was a younger but was able to stop after a year or so. Likewise I never had a massive issue with OCD until my son was born although my sister had it for many years and it would seem mine was more of a learned behaviour.

    Anyway, I feel inspired to get control of this after reading your posts. I am going to make a really good effort not to pick from tomorrow and have a look at the link.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 3:27pm

  527. 527: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    earthy, Welcome, and I SO hear you – because I was in the exact same place – even considering sperm banks…and then my husband showed up. The only way to attract what you want is to put it out there, accept nothing less (my husband knew I wanted to have a child immediately – no waiting…and it didn’t scare him off…) and believe you’re going to get it. You have to Circular Date, look at every man as a lesson, and not allow yourself to get anxious…that’s what the tools are for – to not get urgent or anxious…you can do this. Targeting Mr. Right is your program…along with Modern Siren if you can (and start with the ebook)… Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:34pm

  528. 528: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Hope, Welcome, and it seems to me you’re doing great! This is a healing crisis for you…and it should be pretty simple from here on out. Just say the next step would have to be a ring and a wedding date, and you feeling good about it all, and until that happens, you’re leaving your options open. He likes to come back – let him come back with a ring. As far as trust goes – if you can talk about it all in feeling messages and stay away from accusing him or complaining, you can begin to communicate in a different and more intimate way. I wish you well and look forward to hearing more from you…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:39pm

  529. 529: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    oh, I am so sad and feeling neglected and unimportant…. I had posted that I would like feedback on the idea of sending Family Guy a Father’s Day note like this:

    “I feel like wrapping my arms around you and giving you one big kiss for happy Father’s Day”

    Or would that be considered leaning forward?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:40pm

  530. 530: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight, sometimes you have to experiment. It’s not about games or rules. It’s all about your VIBE. If you’re worried, and contacting him out of anxiety – nothing will work, and calling him is bad. If you simply want to reach out and reassure him you’re there (poor boy) and need clarification, and you don’t do it often – and your vibe is all goddessy – you can do it easy, no problem, and likely create MORE intimacy. This is what Circular Dating is all about – finding out who you are at these moments with men…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:41pm

  531. 531: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Buttery – “It feels good to hear you say that…thinking of you, too…” Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:42pm

  532. 532: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Jasmine, Welcome – and don’t do ANYTHING out of spite, or as strategy! Circular Dating is for YOU – to feel more solid, to feel sane, to find out who you are, to discover your siren-ness – so your VIBE will shift to a powerful place. Do it! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:46pm

  533. 533: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I love you and cannot wait to hear that you are living on your own so you don’t have to deal so constantly with the triggering from your mother. It’s hard enough being constantly triggered by men back to your original issues with your mother and father – being around them so much with so MANY unresolved issues (that I KNOW you are deeply capable of resolving with forgiveness and the amazing insight you have) – is just overwhelming to your system. Can you see how moving out would help you so much? Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:53pm

  534. 534: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Jnet – Love, Rori

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:55pm

  535. 535: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie –

    Ohh… I felt triggered reading that you planned to write him…

    If a man hasn’t contacted me for awhile, and I’ve been feeling bad about that, I would NOT feel good to even say happy father’s day, let alone send hima big kiss and hug! ICK!! I would feel gross…

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 4:57pm

  536. 536: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – yeah, having now written it down twice, I am feeling crappy about it. It is dragging me down, he knows where I am if he really wanted to talk with me he has my number, if I sent a note, I would feel even worse than I do now. Ugh I feel heaviness in my heart, and a lump in my throat, I am at a loss for words now. Ugh I created an imaginary relationship and I am struggling to break free. It is like there are shackles on my hands that spread down my fingers stiffening them. It even makes it difficult to type. I feel bad and I am glad I can feel that. My bad feelings are telling me to stop. Just stop! let the feeling wash through me, it isn’t part of me. I now know it is possible to be with someone and just feel alive and how wonderful that is. Time to move on to find the next one.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 5:23pm

  537. 537: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    OH MY GOSH!!!!

    On Wednesday I wrote this on here:

    “I spotted an intriguing loveatfirstsight man on pof today. My heart actually started racing and my breath quickened! He lives an hour and a half away, so he’s not terribly long distance. Only problem is, he doesn’t know I exist. So, until he does, I am trying not to think about him!”


    He found me on pof today (probably he saw that I “viewed his profile”), and here is what he wrote!!! ….

    “Hi You:

    I have been winking at you for months! E-harmony, etc.

    Will you ever respond????

    LOL – Talk about hard-to-get!

    [his name]”

    I feel mega-surprised and excited — very excited — and happy and nervous and — really?????!!!!

    I have a profile on eharmony from a long time ago but never was a subscriber — just sometimes used their “free weekends” — never even saw him on there!

    Whoa, I’ve been hard for him to get without even trying!

    Good thing, cuz as soon as I saw him, um . . . let’s just say he is the first man I have felt the same level of attraction to as I did with TN man.

    I feel so scared. Since I feel so attracted, I’m afraid I’m gonna mess it up.


    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 7:23pm

  538. 538: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Had my coffee date with guy with three degrees. It was interesting. He seemed a little persona non grata. MAybe I’m just tooo damned picky. My dad says I’m a picky bitch. Whatever.
    I want a man with lots of personality. Who can order at starbucks. I almost totally forgot to do leaning back and feeling messages. I just keep forgetting. The I feel like a dork.
    He seems nice. He was a little surprised to get just a handshake after the date. I said “on the first date, that’s what I give out. I’m that girl.”
    But that’s just cause he didn’t smell like I should be f*cking him like Major Man.
    I guess that can develop.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 7:24pm

  539. 539: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know what to say to him!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 7:34pm

  540. 540: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve only read the last couple of posts.

    Lucy, “I feel intrigued. And yes, I do feel hard-to-get. What do you think?” Hot potato! 😉

    Jennifer: You are not too picky. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. We’re just looking for messages. I feel curious about the “I’m that girl” statement and the handshake. In particular because you followed it with mention of sex with Major Man. I felt surprised hearing sex mentioned, like that’s a forgone conclusion if I hug or kiss someone. Just caught my attention.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 7:45pm

  541. 541: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Man, I went out with Mr. Shy man today…Third date and still no kiss just a goodbye hug. He’s the one I dated in high school…..Maybe I just don’t remember, maybe I was the one who had to make all the moves. Don’t remember….just remember he was shy then and he’s shy now!!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 7:49pm

  542. 542: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Shannon! I feel a little concerned that saying “I do feel hard-to-get” sounds cocky and a turn-off. What do you think?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 7:49pm

  543. 543: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, I don’t feel cocky saying that. :-) It feels true to me. Another option is “Oh. I feel surprised… and intrigued. What do you think?”

    Gosh, I feel uncomfortable with that because I want to explain. Which means it feels “right” to just say the feeling. Hehe! When I feel uncomfortable, I know I’m doing something right. LOL!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:02pm

  544. 544: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Siena: Pardon me while I wipe the drool off my computer screen. Seriously? Wow!! I feel excited and jealous! 😉

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:03pm

  545. 545: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    How about something like this,

    I feel so happy that we are finally talking screen-to-screen! It would feel even better to meet your handsome face-to-face! Please excuse me for missing your winks on e-harmony…somehow i missed them.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:06pm

  546. 546: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I read your exchanges just now with Shannon…

    How bout what I said and ending it playfully with,
    “Oh, and I really dig playing hard-to-get! ;-)” with a playful wink, and then end with “What do you think, sexy?” It would be saucy and rockstar diva-ish, along with playful, which would soften “hard-to-get”.

    How do you feel about that?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:09pm

  547. 547: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the ideas, Brenda — but rockstar only works for me if I am FEELING rockstarish, and in this particular case I am quivering in my sandals!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:13pm

  548. 548: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Gina (and Wonder Woman if you want to join us in some accountability):

    How are you doing? I feel anxious. I’ve had to really catch myself and keep my hands OFF my face, aka not even touching it. If I don’t touch it, I don’t feel the bumps. Still feeling tense but not doing anything to relieve it. Ack. Going to bed soon, so Day 1 is done. Yeah! I made it!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:19pm

  549. 549: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy: Maybe do a tool so you get grounded again? just zipping through my emails and found the Nod Your Head tool. Read his email while nodding your head “yes”. Makes it even easier to agree with him then.

    Yes, I do feel hard to get. :-) I feel intrigued reading your profile. What do you think?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:23pm

  550. 550: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    The best therapist I ever had (besides Rori and you women!! ) told me


    I mean, you want to shift to having a great self-esteem, right? And I know you can do it, from the flirty statements you’ve made to TN Man in the past. This dude’s a 10! He already sees you as a 10, cuz his perception of you as hard-to-get has created the power of loss in him…he looks up to you and feels really fortunate to be in your radar!

    Give it the gusto, girl!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:29pm

  551. 551: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Another tool… I really need to save these somewhere…


    Try this:

    1. Imagine yourself standing or sitting or lying down in a beautiful place.

    It can be a beautiful, calm, peaceful place – or it could be a wild jungle or a noisy dance club full of people.

    I want you to be able to do this all the time, anywhere, so try a bunch of different images and places…

    If you’re feeling yourself actually IN that place – step outside of the picture for a moment so you can SEE yourself there – as though you’re YOU watching YOU. Now…

    2. Watching yourself in the picture in your mind…Picture yourself as a Magnet for men.

    See yourself that way from the outside. How it looks, with you as a magnet for men.

    Imagine your magnetic energy just radiating from your skin, your hair, your body, and as you move around the place, or just get comfortable there, now…

    3. Picture men running toward you from everywhere, pushing and shoving each other aside to get to you.

    They’re just showing up, coming into the picture you’re seeing… helplessly drawn toward you… smiling, bringing gifts…. Now…

    4. Go INSIDE your picture and IMAGINE yourself DRAWING in these men from everywhere.

    Imagine even MORE men showing up! All of a sudden, men are just showing up from everywhere
    and coming into the picture with you…

    Imagine it working the way a magnet you hold on the beach draws in thousands of little pieces of iron from the sand.

    Or you can imagine it in any way you like – as waves coming toward you, or sparkly energy coming
    from the men to you, or as some magical power you
    have that mesmerizes men and compels them to look for you, to find you, to be with you…

    5. Now imagine that all you have to do is SMILE, and even MORE men will drop from the skies, fly at you from everywhere, and STICK to you like glue.

    6. Smile, and imagine it happening that these men are chasing you down to be with you…

    7. The next step is really, really important – I want you to EXPERIENCE how it FEELS to be this amazing magnet you are.

    If you’re doing it right and full-out, it might feel uncomfortable and downright scary… that’s GOOD!

    8. I want you to do this small baby-step Tool wherever you are, however you feel.

    Just imagine yourself as a magnet from the outside, as though you’re looking at yourself, and then step into the picture and EXPERIENCE how it feels.

    Even if it makes you feel shaky – you will be more authentic, more YOURSELF – and SO much more ATTRACTIVE.

    A man will be able to FEEL your feelings in that moment, and he’ll be drawn to you just as the men in your imagination do!

    I did feel scared when I imagined this! I was glad Rori mentioned that right away because I felt kind of freaked out. lol

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:32pm

  552. 552: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe- Wow… I feel so surprised hearing that! Im feeling nervous – you are really handsome

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:33pm

  553. 553: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon- thanks for the tool. I tried it, but I couldn’t even nod my head about the hard-to-get! I guess I honestly see myself as IMPOSSIBLE to get for the WRONG man and EASY to get for the RIGHT man. What do you think?

    Brenda — that outrageous flirtation with TN man was during the initial period when I thought we were just playing online and there was no real potential — so I was completely “fun and freedom baby!”

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:35pm

  554. 554: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, are you calling me handsome?



    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:36pm

  555. 555: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – lol umm, I feel a lil uncomfortable here hehe… I was actually typing what I would reply in your situation…

    I feel clueless of your handsomability without seeing at least one picture!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:39pm

  556. 556: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I really like Daria’s feeling message!!

    That’s the key…you said, ‘that outrageous flirtation with TN man was during the initial period when I thought we were just playing online and there was no real potential — so I was completely “fun and freedom baby!”’


    Just like us Sirens should be! You had nothing to lose! That made you rockstar diva dangerous! Let go of the outcome and be fun and freedom, baby! :-)

    I’m feeling totally better, btw, Lucy! So glad it got out of my system! Thanks a million!!!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:41pm

  557. 557: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I feel so giddy getting a response from Rori; thank you :)

    Dorothea – from way back: you said you don’t do boyfriends, there are only dates and fiances – I LOVE that hee hee – i like how you sound so easy breezy and goddess-y; I am still quoting things word for word instead of making it my own … baby steps, yeah!

    And changing your vibe DOES work – instantly!!!! I was out for lunch at work and saying to myself as I came in ” I am the oxygen YOU need to breathe” over and over and the guard actually stopped and talked to me at the door – he was flirting – that has NEVER happened to me before. I was so surprised I couldn’t make a comeback but WOW!!!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:41pm

  558. 558: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks for the magnet tool! I really like it! Rori’s visualizations are so healthy for me! I feel so much stronger inside than I did a year ago as a result! I would love to see Rori’s programs as general education requirements for all college girls! Wow! I wish I had this when I was much younger!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:42pm

  559. 559: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy remember you don’t have to “try” , just have to share how you feel

    remember it’s not about this one too

    this is just YET ANOTHER sign that what you want! attractive men are starting to show up!

    this is great!!


    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:43pm

  560. 560: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lou! YOU handsome HUNK you!!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:44pm

  561. 561: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Anyone else see “The Backup Plan” ? I am NOT a huge fan of Jennifer Lopez but this movie perfectly shows how a man acts when he is totally INTO YOU

    and Jennifer’s character totally LEANS WAY BACK – SHE DOES NOT LEAN FORWARD AT ALL until she drives to his farm to visit! WOW!!!! I Want A Man Who Is Totally INTO Me…

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:45pm

  562. 562: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria — Lol. I was kidding around — I knew what you were doing. :)

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:46pm

  563. 563: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I know you were but what am i?

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:47pm

  564. 564: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria — Yes. Thank you. Those are all great reminders! Really hard to hold onto though! But you are right– it IS great! Yayaayaay!!

    Brenda– Yes. Let go of the outcome. Ack. Easy to say but hard to do.

    Shannon — I did the tool. In the forest in my long light blue dress, men coming from everywhere to find me in the clearing sitting on the rock gazing up at the high branches dancing against the sky. :)

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:52pm

  565. 565: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria — Lol!

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 8:53pm

  566. 566: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys look at #494 above. Is there anyway one can find out if a man just wants a friendship with a woman? I don’t want to come out and ask.

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 9:41pm

  567. 567: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette – I feel triggered I don’t answer because I feel uncomfortable I do see the posts.

    My answer is to Circular Date, don’t worry about “hurting” the man, because you are a blessing to him by being You.

    I practice Rori’s tools and look for the message, not the man, it feels magical.

    I feel concerned and frustrated that this mihgt not look like the answer you were looking for.

    If this were me I would continue leaning back and keep loving me, and date AT least 3 men no just 2… and more and more.

    I would not want to be attached, thinking about hurting the man, or even worrying what he’s thinking. If he’s not stepping up, I might feel a lil turned off… I’m not sure. I might tell him I’m feeling insecure, or just lean back and keep allowing him to take me out as long as I felt good around him.

    I would look for the message – Why is this man showing up right now?

    for example,

    Why is this post and question showing up right now? Is it because I’m worried a lil about telling my new phone caller from Lousiana that /I’m feleing a lil wierd because I think he’s like a sex obsessed perv dude haha even tho he’s hella cool? I don’t know

    is it that I FEEL ANGRY at feeling stuck this feeling I am creating for myself


    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 9:49pm

  568. 568: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel afraid that soon I may not be able to drive at all,I want to be able to drive to work, I am opening the door for a miracle, I had a scary icky feeling dream about it last nite, ?I’m feeling kinda defeated.. I feel lonely.. I’m taking the antibiotics, I didn’t have my period, I’m not feeling well

    I planned to ask my dad for money i need to have 430 in my account by tuesday, I don’t have it right now

    I feel WALL its been kina tense at the house the few days I feel icky

    its the freakin antibiotics

    it would feel fun to go out that would shift my energy

    too heavy grrr

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 9:51pm

  569. 569: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It would feel fun to go out it woiuld feel fun to go out

    ugh i feel obsessed

    i feel like im already serving a life in prison senetence… I dont want to serve a life in prison senetence i hope youre hearing me God thanks

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 9:52pm

  570. 570: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria needs an energy shift! I wave my magic wand :)

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 10:21pm

  571. 571: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria, I need to stop obsessing over this and get some sleep! Thanks

    Saturday, 19 June 2010 @ 11:21pm

  572. 572: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    SS – WAY TO GO!! Woohoo! Good job.

    Skin picking today hasn’t been a major problem. I was a little nervous about how my skin looked when I was at the pool today. I felt very anxious about 2 spots on my back – they are small, but if I was to mess with them, I know they could be serious trouble. I am resisting the temptation…
    There is a spot on my face that I can feel throbbing – begging me to squeeze and scratch and dig. but i’m not.

    This guy, D is great. He texted me that he just got done hanging out by his pool, where he met a friend who asked him 20 questions (about his date with me)

    I texted “ha”

    and he said “what’s funny about that?”

    I texted “I dunno… I guess I felt nervous”

    He texted “why did you feel nervous and what about?”

    I didn’t answer for some time, cause I didn’t know why and it didn’t feel good to think about it.

    He called me sometime later to ask me why I felt nervous. And I said that it was an automatic reaction to him telling me that his friend asked 20 questions: I hadn’t thought too deeply about why. But I said that he’s been very sweet and respectful so I don’t expect anything bad.

    And he said that just isn’t who he is (the kind of guy who would say anything bad or embarrassing about me). He said that he’s known this friend since they were 8 and that it was all good and that I never need to worry about him having a conversation I should feel nervous about.

    I feel inspired to take him a cupcake tomorrow. I’m driving to my parent’s house to deliver father’s day cupcakes, and D is on the way. He seemed very pleased and asked what time. I said 3:30. He expressed some concern about looking horrible when I see him (he has pink eye) so I said that I would be willing to leave it for him on his doorstep if he wants to just stick with his original plan to visit his parents. He said that wasn’t even an option because if I’m coming by, he wants to be there so that he can see me.

    Just lots of nice stuff like that…feels good. Still gettin my flirt on with other men, though…

    About the creeper…thanks, Sweet Pea. I’m not sure of his last name. The building manager was going to find out, so I’ll look into it when she learns more. I don’t feel so scared right now. Little moments of paranoia – like in the elevator there is a little sign that says “Apartment sale in #307 today from 3-6pm” and I felt creeped out cause he lives in #306 and it is an 18 story building with lots of units. Usually, I would check that out for sure – but today, somehow i felt like it was a ploy to get me to go there, which is totally irrational!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:37am

  573. 573: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    He he….I think I am starting to change my vibe because something has definately changed this past week.

    Two days ago my ex rang me about arrangments for my son and I felt he was hanging on the phone for some reason, so I asked him if he was ok and he said yeah so I said ok then see ya. Next thing my phone goes again and he tells me he saw me out the week before when he was with his new girlfriend. He said he ducked down to hide (I have no idea why he did that, I am so over him) but anyway for over a year he has felt the need to remind me he has moved on from our relationship etc and considering he was with his girlfriend when he saw me he went on to comment how he doesn’t like my hair so long…..he prefers it when it is shorter and more curly…..that he thought I was wearing too much make up (I’ve changed the way I do my eyes and everyone loves it) and even described the way I was dressed down to my jewellery. Now is it just me or does that seem too much interest to be taking considering his girlfriend was with him??!! Then he began to tell me he is having problems with his girlfriend and wanted to talk about all our happy times together…..!! I listened then ended the call and thought it was great because I know I looked fantastic that night and maybe my new goddess vibe affected him in some way….so although I would never take him back it made me feel good.

    Then another guy I have been chatting to for some time (lets call him Mr Sweet because he really is) emailed me. I have been putting Mr Sweet off for months because I don’t find him attractive in the way I would normally find men attractive but as I am now trying to really stick to Rori’s rules I have decided to go ahead and arrange a date with him because he is by far the nicest man I have spoke to in a long long time. Very sensitve, caring, shares his feelings etc.

    Then I suddenly get contact by EE man who I haven’t had contact with for some time. He still isn’t stepping up but I think my sudden lack of interest in him has made him curious.

    So there you have it….no men in the offering last week and suddenly when I decide to do this correctly I get three in the space of two days. Got to love that…!! ha ha

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 5:13am

  574. 574: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey SS…I’m just commenting on the difference in my behaviours.
    Major man, I don’t require any date or even a last name. I just go for it. Cause he smelled “right”
    Three degrees guy I spend hours with, eat dinner with chat etc. I feel the handshake only.
    Hmmm. Is this an idication of a flaw in my personal ethical frame work? I dont’ feel like it is. But it is a bit puzzling.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:28am

  575. 575: StarLightNo Gravatar says:

    Wonder Woman: uh huh, oh yeah; I feel so happy & skippy for you that the Tools are showing you such awesome results.

    I LOVE what you said: “no men in the offering last week and suddenly when I decide to do this correctly I get three in the space of two days.”

    Because as soon as I QUIT ‘experimenting’ with Rori’s tools and just put my trust in her to do it correctly … WOW, I had three men I knew STOP AT MY HOUSE in ONE day …
    THANK YOU RORI!! now I feel sniffly, teary with happiness … that finally, I think I’ve got it :)

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 8:05am

  576. 576: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina – it may be irrational (paranoia) but it’s always best to go with your intuition. I didn’t want to add to your creeped out feelings. Just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to have a last name, you can search by location. If you don’t feel it’s necessary – then that’s a good thing.

    D sounds like he’s showing you some good masculine energy! Yay!!! ( I want a cupcake! :( – lol)

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 9:28am

  577. 577: tallgirl10No Gravatar says:

    I feel sad, but I did the right thing. I just ended things with text man.

    The whole time we were together I felt like this is wrong, I need to leave. This is not a bad man, he is not my man. He will never step up, and in fact, if I keep spending time with him, he is going to respect me less.

    I did not leave until this morning, but then I had the strength to really leave.

    I told him I was really enjoying getting to know him, and I always have fun when I see him, but that there was some disconnect that I could not describe or understand.

    So I asked him what he was feeling about how things were going.

    He said, I enjoy spending time with you, but this is not going to get serious. Or something to that effect.

    I said, I appreciate your honesty, but I do not want to be in something that does not have any trajectory. When he said – we can be friends, I did not give him a rousing yes. He said, I don’t want it to be awkward. I said, it will never be awkward.

    I asked for one last kiss, and I left.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:21am

  578. 578: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:


    Brava! What a HUGE WIN for you!!!

    Big Hug,

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:28am

  579. 579: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Tallgirl, That must have been hard I feel sadness for you. But I also agree with Orna. As searing as that pain may feel, it’s a relief knowing without a doubt that this man was never going to step up. So I feel happy for you. Now you can say “Next!” With your head held high!

    Go get ’em Tallgirl. Your real man’s out there waiting for you to feel comfortable with your Sireny self so you can have a successful partnership with him!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:34am

  580. 580: tallgirl10No Gravatar says:

    I feel so sad. I feel so inadequate like I ran him away, like I did something to make him not like me.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:37am

  581. 581: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    tall girl, you didn’t run him away…he was still spending time with you.

    all NV to the corner!!!!!!!! as shannon says hehe

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:40am

  582. 582: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    Tallgirl – that is not my take on it at all. Guys who have the masculine energy you’re looking for would never have leaned so far back that you would have had to have the “should I contact him; shouldn’t I contact him” battle waging within yourself. He would have been THERE in front of you. If it makes you feel better, I’ve been following your lead & sent just a smiley face to my new CD. Guess what? He calls me! I don’t have to have the “I don’t feel comfortable texting” speech.
    So keep sending those smiley faces & watch for the guy who steps up! He’ll show up!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:42am

  583. 583: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    AND he’ll be easier to spot & you’ll appreciate it more because of this experience. I think you handled yourself great! & I loved the wording you used, “I do not want to be in something that doesn’t have any trajectory…” He is now officially practice man.
    Send the NVs to the corner – yeah! What Dorothea said- but you can sink into the feelings. Sink into them, feel them & then feel them dissipate. And then go do something nice for yourself. This growth process has been painful for me – but I’m feeling better everyday! And for every “next!” I’m that much closer to my goal! Woohoo!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:51am

  584. 584: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am feeling so triggered on this father’s day. my LI is with his parents who are buying him work clothes and patio furniture as he gets established in life (just graduated and started a new job), and me? both my parents abandoned me, and no body buys me anything or helps me with anything.

    i feel so triggered. i called him spoiled. he is like i’m just lucky.

    i guess i came out of the wrong vagina?

    happy Kids Day to all of us who grew up without fathers.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:56am

  585. 585: SweetpeaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going out with my racial healing therapist (“RHT”) again Tuesday & looking forward to it! I’m still feeling a little nervous & I keep having to stop myself from worrying about the “what ifs” but I feel like this is a tremendous opportunity to heal myself with a man with whom I have great conversations with I who is very generous, caring, understanding & nice.
    I just got messaged from another potential RHT though & I think one is enough for me. We’ll see what happens, but I believe I can get all the free therapy I need for this one from one therapist.
    I hope you are doing well in your healing, Dorothea! (Hugs)

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 10:58am

  586. 586: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, did anyone answer your post about Family Man and whether to send him a Happy Father’s Day message?

    He’s not currently married, right? If not, then if it feels good to send him a message, I say do it!

    Leaning forward is all in your vibe, so as long as you aren’t trying to get something from him and are only communicating with him to express well-wishes, and this is a rare thing for you to reach out to him, it’s great to send him a Happy Father’s Day message. (Rori basically says this in #530)

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:06am

  587. 587: tallgirl10No Gravatar says:

    I know I did the right thing, but I feel very sad. I am happy I ended it before the NV really could take hold. And that is why I did it. I thought to myself – how is this going to make me feel if I do not have this conversation and I go back into limbo?

    I can at least know that I stood up for myself, and was not willing to continually take his small crumbs.

    And I behaved in a way that was not blaming. It just was.

    But part of me wants the validation that he respects me more. How sad.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:12am

  588. 588: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Dorothea, hugs to you! I just had a convo with someone who feels the same way you do about Father’s Day. I can only imagine how it feels today for those who didn’t have a good man in their life as a father figure.

    This is one of those things in life that I wish could be fixed. Seriously – everyone *should* grow up with good parents who are there for them.

    Love and hugs to you!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:13am

  589. 589: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Tallgirl, I feel good to know that you feel you did the right thing.

    Is there something you can do today for yourself to make you feel better? Mani/pedi, massage, date?

    I hope you do!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:16am

  590. 590: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Siena: yes! I feel so happy about Rori’s post #530 cuz it also answers the question about you emailing #1.

    It feels good to know that we can reach out as long as we don’t do it a lot and our vibe is all goddessy.

    I do that with LI sometimes and I feel totally good about it. I felt really goddessy the other night because normally he makes food for me but I knew he was having a long day at work so I texted him telling him that I made a yummy dinner and it would be ready when he got here. I felt so okay with cooking and reaching out a little bit because he does so much for me.

    If I understand the water wheel concept, it’s okay for us to give to them but only in response and balanced to what they give to us. Actually, it feels better to me to give back less than what they give on a physical level because my goddess presence counts as giving back too.

    Ooooo, I feel a little bad saying that. I feel worried that it sounds selfish. Oh well, it feels better to let those feelings go.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:56am

  591. 591: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    There is something I’ve noticed that I feel weird about.

    I noticed that when I have a friend who is actively listening to their NV’s, I don’t feel safe interacting with them. When they are putting so much weight on what their NV’s are telling them, I feel unsafe because their NV’s sometimes turn on me as well. Then I feel frustrated because my attempts to help get drowned out by the voices of the NV’s. I feel invisible. I feel drained. I feel bored. I feel unsafe.

    I feel sad because I want to contribute and support but it feels pointless because I can seem to speak as loudly as the NV’s.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:03pm

  592. 592: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    So this morning LI and I were hanging out, joking around and being playful (one of the most important aspects of a realationship for me personally… Someone I can laugh with) and he said

    “will you marry me?”

    and I just looked at him and said

    “I feel kind of excited hearing that but also not because I know you are kidding”

    he said
    “just say yes!”

    and I did and then we laughed and continued playing.

    I feel shocked and confused. We have been talking a lot about my desire to cd. He said he feels confused because I told him I wanted to settle down yet here I am saying I want to keep my options open. He said this is very confusing to him. I said I do want to settle down and until I do, I want to keep my options open. I don’t want to get stuck in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. He seemed to get it.

    I feel curious if him asking me to marry him today in that playful way was him testing me to see what my reaction would be. I feel worried that some of you might misinterpret this as him leading me on. It felt like we were having a good time and he was really feeling the desire and put it out there to see what I would do.

    I know it wasn’t a real proposal because based on his past actions I know he would do it in a really special way when it was really and truly official.

    I feel good about continuing to lean back until he does it for real but it also felt good that he was feeling me out.

    Afterwards we started joking about what our wedding would be like. I got a puppy right before he and I started dating and we have been raising the puppy together. We joked that the pup would he our best man and came up with all the scenarios of all three of us getting married. It felt fun and cute.

    Then he took the pup out for a run so they could bond on fathers day. It felt so sweet.

    What do y’all think about this?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:18pm

  593. 593: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Awww, now he just came back from the run with some wildflowers that he picked and made into a beautiful arrangement!

    I feel happy and peaceful.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:20pm

  594. 594: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LG, Marry him! No, for real, what would you say if he DID ask you for REAL? Are you ready to say yes yet with him?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:35pm

  595. 595: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    So I just used my pendulum/dowser which is a form of muscle testing to try and get some clarity about my confusion over this mystery man guy. I don’t feel good about wondering if the grass is greener over there. This feels like more than cd-ing and being open. I feel a little obssessive wondering if he would be interested in me if I wasn’t with LI. I don’t like the feeling of obsessing and having an imaginary relationship with this guy. If he were to step up and ask me out that would be one thing. But he’s not and it feels draining to wonder about him.

    Anyway, I consulted my dowser and it said that it’s not in the cards for me to be with MM. I feel some sadness but also a sense of relief. I really want to let this imaginary relationship go.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:38pm

  596. 596: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Brenda, no he didn’t ask me for real. It was in a playful way. I don’t think I’m ready to say yes just cuz I feel better getting to know him more and also I have had this confusion over my desire for MM.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 12:59pm

  597. 597: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Has anyone seen that show The OCD Project on VH1? The show is basically about curing OCD. One of the things they do is called exposures where they subject each of the participants to the very thing(s) that “triggers” them, i.e. touching dirty stuff or really envisioning they are wishing their child dead. Initially their heartbeats spike really high and then over time they level out.

    I think being triggered induces the same type of response. When I’m triggered, I want to run, hide, fight, and/or cry. As I’m continuing to get hit with the same trigger, my reaction to it starts to lessen. I’m figuring out how to deal with the trigger the more often it happens.

    Not really sure why I’m saying this here but it occurred to me as I was watching the show how similar “exposures” are to triggers.

    What do ya’ll think?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 1:23pm

  598. 598: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    LG – yayyayayayay!

    OK, so from what I read, although he didn’t ask you with a ring and a date, he just put marriage on the table, which means (and this is totally up to you), that if you don’t want to CD anymore, you don’t have to!

    I see what you wrote in #596, so if you want to continue to CD to sort through those feelings, and that feels good, I say do it. But the point is, it sounds like either way you go right now you can feel good about – CD or no CD.


    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 1:26pm

  599. 599: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    LG, just curious – how long have you been dating LI?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 1:28pm

  600. 600: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered – For me, playfully asking me to marry him is WAY different than marriage on the table.

    Marriage on the table is like… ok we’re gonna get married so lets start getting ready for that n o double you

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:01pm

  601. 601: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Some men ask me to marry them on the first convo. Rori says men say a lot of things.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:02pm

  602. 602: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Siena!

    Ya, I actually feel okay about not cd-ing in the sense of going out on actual dates because he is really stepping up and asking most of my time. So much so that for a while I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting some space. I feel better about it now. Things feel more balanced. I definitely CD myself and the world. I’m pretty flirtatious by nature and busy with a lot of personal pursuits so this feels easy to me.

    I’ve known him for six months. We spent a few weeks together when we first met, then he was out of the country for two months. He didn’t keep in great contact then and I sort of gave up on him. Then he came back about three months ago and stepped up right away and we gave been going hot and heavy since.

    I actually feel closer to him than I probably would someone I’ve known for only six months because we have a lot of mutual friends that we’ve both known for years. This helps me to feel more trusting of him.

    I feel so excited hearing that #1 treated you to such a fantastic date!!!!

    I do feel the same way as you about that even though we don’t have a ring and date, he was definitely putting it out there on the table.

    I am feeling a little lost about committing partially because I’m afraid I will feel lost if I don’t have the constant pursuit of love in my life. I mean, looking for love, yearning, hoping, dreaming has felt like such a big part of my life what will I do if I have someone who is committed and there? I feel scared to lose one of my major passions.

    I feel weird about this but happy to be realizing it and hopeful that I can channel all that energy into other things I love.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:20pm

  603. 603: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I feel totally understanding of why you think that but I also feel confident and trusting of what his intentions were. He knows that I am hesitant to make a commitment and not in any rush to get married and what he said really felt sincere in the sense that he wants me to know that it’s something he thinks about but doesn’t want to scare me.

    I know that it wasn’t a real proposal but I have been spent almost everyday of the past three months with him and I feel really understanding of where he is coming from. Every action that he has made has shown how in to me he is. I don’t feel at all concerned about that.

    But like I said, I’m not deceiving myself into thinking this is an actual proposal but I did find the conversation kind of exciting and wanted to share.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:28pm

  604. 604: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel happy that he brought the topic up in this way. I would feel totally freaked out if he proposed right now with a ring and a date and I’m sure he knows that.

    It does feel good tho to know it’s on his mind.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:31pm

  605. 605: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I have to say, a man jokingly proposing during the first convo feels WAY different to me than this situation. I feel bummed that the comparison is even being made.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:49pm

  606. 606: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens

    I just came back from date…
    And well, it was the best date I ever had….

    At first we met at metro station, from there Vijay took me to Inox forum, and Shopper’s stop, there at the food court we drank coffee at first, then he ordered a pizza for me…. He spoke 75% of the time…. I was listening most of the time…

    I had planned to stay for just 1 hour, but he didn’t had cash, and used only cards, and cards weren’t accepted there, so he had to rush to bank and take the money out, and all the while I was sitting at the food court waiting for him, and so we got delayed by nearly 45 minutes….

    He showed me his achievements, his pictures published in newspapers, brochures, etc. He sounded so proud of his accomplishments….

    Then as we left food court, he did escort me to metro and also paid my fare, he also went through metro….

    As we were standing there, “you are my love” started on the platform, he said, “look at the song, all are depicting us”, and I laughed it off….

    Then my train came, and as I was going, he asked, “Are you happy?”
    I said, “of course I am. Else I wouldn’t have been for so long with you..”
    He said, “Oh… you high rank people.. we are the low rank ones..”
    I joked, “Oh yes…. I am a high rank girl… Please bring me my chauffeur, as my butler is waiting at home for me…”, and then we both laughed loud…

    Then as I was leaving, he asked me to shake hands, I had ticket in my hand, so I could shake it with only two fingers, and he was like, “How can you call a two finger shake hand?”
    I was in a hurry, so without much thinking, I shaked again, well… And he didn’t held my hand too tightly, but he kept holding them, until I took my hand and went off in the train…

    As I boarded the train, I waved him off, and he was there standing, leaning against the pillar, just looking at me, without any motion….

    I felt really good after that….
    I was touched by his gesture…

    Then on my way back, I texted him, “I really enjoyed being with you. That did made me really happy.”

    He called back immediately asking me if I boarded the bus to my home, and also asked me to inform him when i reach home.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 2:53pm

  607. 607: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing goddess- I feel scared that you felt bummed about what I wrote. That is I am feeling triggered and I feel fear.

    I feel unworthy of expressing myself. I feel less thAn not having a stepping up man .

    I would feel good that a man I liked a lot was feeling me out on marriage. I feel triggered that you are not dating others. I feel concerned and afraid that no man would step up for me because I am too aloof. And demanding. And not wanting to stop dating others. I feel afraid thAt I would have to before marriage or engagement and I don’t want that. O
    I don’t want to wonder about other men.

    I don’t want to not date others when I feel curious about dating others. Greer. I feel stuck and resentful and guilty.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 3:45pm

  608. 608: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, I am getting mixed signals from Mr. Shy Guy. We have been out three times and still no kiss. Is that common? I even kissed him on his cheek and nothing has happened, he just says, “I will call you.” Maybe after three dates he just wants to be friends? Is there anything I can do or say to find out?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 3:47pm

  609. 609: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve had men want to be with me and talk about marriage on the second date. Not joking and not creepy. But not have the financial stuff. Hmm. I did fall in love with security fast. I could easily have dated only him but I said no and he went away now. I feel triggered. Hehe.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 3:47pm

  610. 610: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria: I feel the need to clarify a bit. I don’t feel curious about dating others. My situation with MM feels more like an imaginary relationship. It feels more like my comfort zone of pining over someone who isn’t available. Other than these weird feelings I have about him, I feel content with my situation.

    I’m not exclusive with LI. If another man asked me out and I felt attracted to him I would go. But honestly, LI has really been stepping up and keeping my dance card full.

    I agree that men will say anything but when their words are backed up by consistent meaningful actions it feels more real to me.

    I feel sad that you are feeling bad. I wish I could say some magic words to cheer you up and give you hope.

    I don’t want to feel bad about myself because I am not out cd-ing a bunch of men. The one other man who I would want to cd has never asked me. My vibe with LI is very much leaning back and if he ever stopped stepping up then I would definitely put more effort in getting cd-ing. I feel comfortable and confident that my vibe is one of a high degree of difficulty. I feel like a rockstar with him. I don’t want to force myself to go out and have a bunch of first dates when a man who I am interested in is stepping up and asking for my time. I very much feel like I am cd-ing in the broader sense of the word.

    For me, my work right now seems to be in looking at why I am still gravitating towards a pining situation with MM and exploring my resistance to commitment even though it is something that I really want. I feel confident about my sirenness and ability to cd. What I feel confused about is how to go to the next step which is commitment…not about how to get someone to want to commit to me but how to surrender to it myself.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:36pm

  611. 611: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel concerned about not cd-ing. What I feel concerned about is why I feel more comfortable pining over and unavailable man (MM) versus surrendering to a man who is stepping up, i’m attracted to, and is a very good match for me.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:50pm

  612. 612: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    LG – I feel kinda antsy to read that you want to clarify. I felt concerned that my post might trigger you, though I was focusing on myself. I am working my triggers, your situation triggers me, and I’m not looking to tell you about yourself, as I seem to have shifted from that compulsion.

    I don’t want to tell you what to do, I’m referring to my own self and how I imagine I would feel. It does trigger me, and that’s wassup.

    PS – I’m not really feeling bad, I’m feeling pretty darn good right now.

    I’m also feeling concerned about my commitment. I feel triggered by your situation that I would feel stuck. I would feel resentful a little bit. I woudl feel uncomfortable committing when I don’t feel ready to commit, and that feels scary to me.

    I feel triggered thinking of my first relationship in highschool.

    I don’t want to commit to a man that I don’t feel 100% ready to commit to. I feel trapped and afraid. I feel obligated… and that feels like a turnoff.

    I feel afraid. The thought “theres something wrong with me” kicks in.

    I feel bad thinking that

    It’s not true.

    I don’t feel attracted enough to commit… I feel slightly turned off…

    is this about me or about him?

    i feel confused

    i feel afraid

    i feel afraid taht not committing is because i am not able to open up to a good man

    I feel afraid of not having passion

    I feel lonely without passion, I feel bored, I feel masculine

    I feel confused

    I love my confusion

    I love my lonelyness

    I love my fear

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:50pm

  613. 613: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I “should” want to commit.

    I feel bored and stuck.

    I feel guilty!

    I love my guilt.

    I love my boredom and stuckness

    and that feels like


    i love my smile

    and that feels like


    i love my fear

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:52pm

  614. 614: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Laughing Goddess, I feel intrigued by your situation of “pining” being what you feel comfortable with. For me, it is very much the reverse. This situation with TN man is my first experience with pining and unrequited love. It feels so foreign and uncomfortable to me. I hate it. I am used to what you are experiencing now with LI — a man stepping up, me feeling like a rockstar, and then deciding if I want to commit to him . . . and I feel comfortable with commitment. It feels really good and natural to me.

    Longing for someone who is not available = :( (for me) It is a new experience and I don’t like it.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:53pm

  615. 615: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: do you have any thoughts on or ideas of what Rori says about dealing with fear of committment? I can’t remember her addressing this.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:55pm

  616. 616: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    LG – no. All I’m thinking is that it may be more that I Feel unsure and that in itself trumps “shoulds”

    my guess…

    but then again… i don’t know

    I know in Targeting she says Date at least 3 Keep the focus on Me until theres a RING and it Feels Good.

    The It Feels Good part here is what i”m feeling triggered by

    like… it doesn’t feel good to feel unsure…

    it doesn’t feel good to feel guilty

    or confused


    i want a post on this too

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 4:57pm

  617. 617: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    If I were a man, I think I would jokingly throw marriage on the table to just feel the waters, to gauge where my lady was with that. I feel excited for you LG!

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 5:19pm

  618. 618: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Brenda :-)

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:07pm

  619. 619: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: thanks for explaining that you are processing your own triggers.

    Lucy: I feel scared of commitment. I feel scared that my life will end, that my passion will end. I feel much more comfortable pining. I feel more in control that way. It also feels terrible and lonely and awful. I feel so much more interested in exploring this topic than I do forcing myself to CD. And the situation I’m in right now is very easy because it’s challenging my fear of surrendering to someone who really loves me.

    Anyways, I’m just riffing here. It felt interesting to read your experience. I feel amused by how similar yet different we all are.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:29pm

  620. 620: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Uggg. I feel frustrated. I must be too aloof like Daria says she feels she is.
    Three degrees guy just emailed me on POF and said he had a good time but hoped I was not too turned off.
    I guess maybe from the handshake? I don’t feel comfortable kissing on a first date, usually.
    Now I feel annoyed.
    Like “OMG…dude are you whining at me?” I feel irritated.
    But I kinda like him, I guess. I couldn’t get a real feel for his energy. He’s kinda reserved. My sister says when you go on a date, you don’t meet a person, you meet thier representative.
    She also says I should not have ordered ribs on a date. She says I get food all over my face when I eat.
    Geeze…ain’t having a sister grand?
    We are going to see the new Twilight movie when it comes out and I love that..but she annoys the shit outta me sometimes.
    I emailed Three degrees back and said I didn’t feel turned off at all…I had a nice time. I gave him my personal Email to contact me.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:30pm

  621. 621: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    my LI definitely wants to marry me and have a future with me (don’t all men who fall in love want this at first?) but he isn’t in a financial place to do this. Well, I started feeling antsy. Like so bad. I would feel so icked out and weird if he put his arms around me in public places. i felt POSSESSED by him. i felt like if i reciprocated this kind of public affection that i was consenting to being possessed in an imaginary relationship. it was so consistently making my skin crawl that i had to speak up. so i did.

    his response? “oh, i have a plan though!”

    and then he told me his plan to get stable by september, so he can propose then.

    i told him i would have to feel it out with myself about whether i felt comfortable committing to exclusivity with him or not BEFORE a proposal.

    the answer is that i don’t feel comfortable. i don’t want to commit to him before his plan is in action. i just want to keep the focus on me and what i want.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:40pm

  622. 622: Laughing goddessNo Gravatar says:

    Also, the pining gives me something to strive for, to work towards. When I am with a man who genuinely loves me the way I am, I sometimes feel unmotivated to better myself.

    Oh wow! I feel good exploring this. I feel like I am getting somewhere!

    So ya, even tho pining for a man makes me feel motivated it also sucks because it feels horrible. I remember when this man, J, that I used to pine for…when I would actually show interest in me, I would feel totally freaked out and want to run away. Then he would pull back and I would feel safe pining again. It’s like I feel safer with a distance between me and a man. Safety and motivation. That’s what pining offers me.

    I had always been so motivated to find love, I don’t know what I would do once I got it. Ugh, this feels weird. I feel embarrassed admitting it.

    Then I also wonder if maybe the reason I’m feeling scared of committment is because on some level I’m not totally attracted to LI. That doesn’t feel true for me though. Ya, I’m not as attracted to him as I have been with some of the men I’ve pined for but that’s because I wasn’t seeing them clearly. I had them on a pedestal. It doesn’t feel fair to compare LI to that.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:43pm

  623. 623: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    laughing goddess – i too feel more comfortable pining.

    i wonder….

    was it my lack of a father?

    was it growing up in poverty?

    was it my first meaningful relationship being long distance?

    is it my ambitious nature?

    does any of this ring true for you too?

    i feel like you and me are in the same place right now with our LI’s on the timeline.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:45pm

  624. 624: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yes laughing goddess i feel motivation in pining too! it’s my ambitious nature.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 6:47pm

  625. 625: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    What Christian Carter says, and I’m sure Rori probably said it too, is that the PURPOSE of a healthy relationship is to encourage each other to be the best us we can be!

    I REALLLLLLLLLLLY like that after being with Kenny, who dragged me down morally over and over, making my life a living hell until I would consent to do things that were against my beliefs.

    When I started seeing Ryan, he challenged me to be the best I could be on every level: he kept me on my toes spiritually, asking me deep spiritual questions and reading the Bible with me; he kept me on my toes psychologically and emotionally, just by the challenging, sensitive person he is; he kept me on my toes intellectually with his genius intelligence; he kept me on my toes physically, so tactfully encouraging me to eat salads and exercise to lose weight! He even encouraged me to level out my spending. At the best point of our relationship, I felt so happy, so loved, and so challenged to be my best self in a most positive way!

    Then it all went to hell, and I do mean hell. But thank you, Ryan, for all you taught me. Thank you for challenging me. Now if I could just be happy again since you extracted my heart.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:00pm

  626. 626: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    OMG!!!! I feel soooooooooooooo triggered!!!!
    SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO friggin triggered!!!!
    I’ve been doing the eharmony process with a guy from back of beyond. Way out in the country.
    Really, I dont mind that. I like the country.This guy looks kinda cool. Goes four wheeling, has bonfires, likes to BBQ.
    Then we send our “must haves/can’t stands” This guy puts down that he cannot have a partner who is overweight.
    OK REALLY!?!?!??!?!
    It is clear from my pics that I am about 50lbs above my ideal weight and THIS GUY looks like he’s carrying an extra 50 or so.
    WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS?!?!?!!?!? IF you’re a triathlete or in the gym 5 days a week..sure specify. But if you are overweight..shut it.
    That’s like a guy whos in bad debt up to his ass saying he has to have a partner who is financially stable. Or a liar saying he has to have an honest partner. HYPOCRACY SUCKS!!\
    UGG …half of me feels like closing the match. Half of me feels like sending him a question like “I feel curious, you mention that you want a partner who is not overweight yet my pics show that I am not exactly skinny.
    What do you guys think?
    Other than I should take a pill.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:12pm

  627. 627: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “When I am with a man who genuinely loves me the way I am, I sometimes feel unmotivated to better myself.”

    I feel intrigued — for me, being with a man who loves me the way I am totally MOTIVATES me to “better myself.” His love and acceptance of me feels like wings to fly into all I can be.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:16pm

  628. 628: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer: When I get this trigger (and I do), it’s because it’s a mirror of my own attitude. I generally prefer guys who are not overweight, even though I’m not skinny. My profile used to say overweight but the guys kept saying “overweight where?”. So I changed it to average. I still see myself as overweight even if most guys would tell me I’m average. And yet the guys I’m generally attracted to are average (not overweight).

    Any of that resonate?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:19pm

  629. 629: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, it’s been awhile since I was on eharmony, but doesn’t the overweight thingy specify “excessively” overweight or something like that?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:20pm

  630. 630: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel the same way! Beautifully said! It was one of the biggest turn-ons I had with Ryan.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:20pm

  631. 631: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I have had the same exact experience, Shannon. :)

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:22pm

  632. 632: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I would rather have a man who is slightly overweight than skinny. Skinny men are a real turn-off for me, and the weird thing is, they don’t think they’re skinny — they think they’re “athletic and toned.” :)

    TN man’s body was my personal ideal.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:27pm

  633. 633: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    ok. A mirror of my own attitude?
    I dont’ know. when I started dating B he was over weight. When he slimmed down in the military I actually missed his belly. I said I missed “my belly”.
    What kinds of pics do I look at online on prfiles?
    Ok, for sure fit guys get my attention. Also ones that are funny…or artistically done.
    I feel like my issues is Hypocracy. I HATE IT!!!!
    I work really hard to not do it.
    I dont’ know what “excessively” means. Overweight is overweight. Right? I mean obviously there is a dif between 50lbs extra and 300lbs extra..but I guess it depends on your POV.
    Maybe I should ask him…..

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:29pm

  634. 634: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am in debt and I want a man who’s financially solid. Yum . Ok I hear youvoice. You want a man who’s working toward that . There’s no guarantee etc. I want security? Wow. I didn’t mean security the man but I did think of him. I want to feel safe and protected. And if were sleepi
    g in grand central station. It’s ok. Because I’m sleeping with you.

    Not because i’m throwin my desires away to join u in grand central station. But because if misfortune hit is. You would protect me even then. I feel saaaaaD.

    Whoa outta nowhere! Trigger! I feel crying.

    I want a man who knows he wants me forever. And who I want and respect. Who I look up to. Trigger!

    Remember when rori said if I can open to a man who quietly supports me. I wonder if I van respect that kinda man . In a way it a the same. Not ambitious. That’s different. Ambitious sounds cold. Unaatisfied. W me. Will I feel not enuf. Yes I feel that now.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:33pm

  635. 635: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Daria…I love that you are working through those thoughts.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:35pm

  636. 636: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “I want a man who knows he wants me forever. And who I want and respect. Who I look up to.”

    Me too, Daria. <3

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:43pm

  637. 637: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hypocracy as the mirror?
    What does my must haves say? Maybe the universe is showing me if I’m being hypocritcal. I would hate that.
    I must have some one who is able to talk and listen effectively….I think i do this.

    Emotionally Healthy…I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else…..I think so…..

    Strong Character…I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing….yup.

    Personal Habits…I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits….that one I chose for the personal hygiene one. My house is clean but kind of a controlled chaos thing.

    Intellect…I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues… SMRT..thats me.

    Emotionally Generous…I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love….yes I do that.

    Shared Interests…I must have someone who is willing to share my interests and passions….I am willing to do that too. No problem.

    Parenting Style…I must have someone who shares my views about how to raise children….ok, I don’t have kids yet but that one is important to me.

    Responsible…My partner must be financially responsible…I pay my bills. I could have more in my savings but….on the whole..I do ok.

    Sexually Knowledgeable…I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely….yeah…that’s me too.

    ok…so far so good.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:48pm

  638. 638: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Can’t stands….
    Lying…I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me…I dont’ have the attention span to I don’t bother.

    Rude…I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation….especially in the first few dates to the servers. Instant disqualification.

    Mean Spirited…I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others….not Cool.

    Fiscally Irresponsible…I can’t stand someone who is incapable of managing their money…..MAybe this is it. I can’t seem to save up first and last for a new apartment..I have to take it out of my savings.

    Childishness…I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature….kk.

    Petty…I can’t stand someone who focuses on imperfection…….Maybe this is it. I do tend to focus on stuff that bugs me. Even little stuff.

    Judgmental…I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything….yeah..this is it. B used to complain about it. I thought he was being defensive maybe i’m too picky.

    Stuff to think about.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 7:58pm

  639. 639: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t been thinking about TN man a lot, but he does float into my mind a few times a day like a soft little ache.

    I keep feeling like a text from him is imminent . . . and that he’s gonna tell me he broke up with his gf and wants to see me.

    I don’t know if that is wishful thinking — a dream — or something else.

    It’s a feeling, not a thought really. Like anticipation. The feeling of Christmas coming when I was a little girl.

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 8:09pm

  640. 640: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so excited about a situation where a guy you liked calls and says he broke up with someone…it’s such a good chance to share whichever feeling(s) you choose…and then lean back and do nothing. how powerful and cool

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:00pm

  641. 641: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens

    I have a question to ask.. Please help me out…

    Today is Mr. V’s (Vishal) birthday, I don’t know if I should wish him on orkut, or should I not? Coz he returned India 3-4 days ago, and hasn’t called me since, i can understand that he is busy with his project works and viva, but how long it takes to make a phone call?

    I am definitely not going to text or call him, coz after returning he hasn’t initiated that, while at ship, he used to call me, and I don’t wanna sound desperate….

    What should I do? Should I wish him his bday on orkut or not? I am confused….

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:08pm

  642. 642: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    what does this mean? “while at ship,” he used to call you?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:27pm

  643. 643: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita – I would wish him happy birthday if i felt very happy and good toward him… how do you feel?

    I would not feel very good if I expected a man to call me when he got here and then he didn’t

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:45pm

  644. 644: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    He is a marine engineer, and he has just now returned from his training, so when he was at ship abroad, he used to call me, whenever he would like, and was possible….

    That’s what i meant to say…

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:45pm

  645. 645: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    so at what point did he stop calling you?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:46pm

  646. 646: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel good towards him, but I will angry at him that why is he not stepping up and calling me, after all am not like his message girl who will send him frantic freaking messages, and call him at the earliest opportunity given…

    I want him to call me, and ask how I am doing…!!??

    When he came to India, he had just landed in airport, and he checked my scraps that i told him I qualified the engineering entrance tests, he immediately scraped me back, that what am I now thinking to take, etc.

    But I feel angry at him, as he isn’t calling….. I feel really angry….

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:53pm

  647. 647: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    He didn’t stop calling me, he hasn’t called me since 3-4 days, and he came back to India 3-4 ago, and that’s what making me angry…

    As he used to call me from abroad, I was expecting his call as soon as he came back here, and when he hasn’t called yet, i feel angry and disappointed….

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:56pm

  648. 648: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i wonder if there’s a good way to wish a man happy birthday or mention any other similar occasion without stuffing our feelings from not hearing from them

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:57pm

  649. 649: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria & Dorothea

    Just now I sent him this scrap on orkut

    “Happy birthday, Vishal..!!

    Hope you have a great day….


    I feel this scrap is okay.. What do you all feel?

    Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 11:58pm

  650. 650: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i think it’s just fine. no need to agonize over it further:D

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 12:01am

  651. 651: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:


    I got Mimi tanner’s newsletter on “Beware of calling men using b’days as excuses to call them, or ask them out, etc., ”

    So, out of courtesy I just wished him happy b’day as it showed on my wall, Rori says if we pretend they know it, so I thought let’s wish him b’day, coz then he will know that i didn’t forget his b’day, but didn’t wish him out of anger….

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 12:05am

  652. 652: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea — “i wonder if there’s a good way to wish a man happy birthday or mention any other similar occasion without stuffing our feelings from not hearing from them”

    Rori says feel your feelings, choose your words.

    So for me, the key is to make sure I feel my feelings — as fully as possible — the anger, sadness, etc. from not hearing from him — and then if my feelings shift to a place where I feel I am taking responsibility for them — not stuffing, yet not blaming — I feel good about sending a greeting — as long as I don’t have an agenda but am doing it from a place of sincerity and purity of heart.

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 11:40am

  653. 653: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    That feels really good, and I like how you worded it.

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 11:54am

  654. 654: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight – I’m feel so happy for you that you think you have got it and inspired to continue.

    Simply Shannon – I went to see a cognitive behavour therapist when I was being treated for my OCD. It was the same as the exposures on the TV programme you talk about. I was encouraged to face my fears in order to rationalise them and get them out of my system. This was the most difficult process of my life. These things were things I was so fearful of I would literally pass out if I could not base a ritual around them to make myself feel better even though I knew my fear was totally irrational. The doctor told me that although this would be petrifying if I could hold on for just thirty minutes the anxiety would begin to pass. Obviously this was not a walk in the park or as straight forward as that at times but generally that was the basis and it really worked for me in many ways. Then it is just about regularly facing the same situation again and again until the fear has subsided and it doesn’t affect the person in the same way anymore. It’s unlearning the bad pattern of behaviour which we have adopted in order to deal with certain situations and replacing it with a more practical and rational way of dealing with it that isn’t driven by fear.

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 12:20pm

  655. 655: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes I find it hard to comprehend that I have a “vibe” that can be detected by men. It’s just not the sort of thing that I was brought up to believe. I very strongly want to believe it but here it is not really the way people think. They roll their eyes and tell me to “get real”…..but whatever it is either the “vibe” or my new way of thinking and being I don’t care because right now I feel so much better than I have in a long time.

    Yesterday Mr Sweet emailed me and told me we have each others numbers and there were other forms of communication… talking!! He he….I can’t remember the last time a man I met online got off line and wanted to talk as in a real conversation. Then last night my ex rang me for an hour long conversation and in the end I told him by battery was going so I could finish the call. Then I woke up this morning and EE man (the guy who leaned back so much I didn’t think he would ever be able to straighten himself up again) emailed me at 4.30am so that when I woke up I got the message to “Wakie wakie”…!! What is going on here??……this is just too funny…!! I feel like…well…..a goddess..!! :)

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 12:34pm

  656. 656: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:02pm

  657. 657: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t say happy Father’s Day, instead I said I got a bill I don’t know how to pay,

    I made black bean brownies, tho, my dad likes brownies, they were just ok warm, now cold they are really good!

    Black Bean Brownie – DANCE!!! shake that bean !!

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:04pm

  658. 658: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria! I would love to have that brownie recipe!

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:08pm

  659. 659: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Amazing Black Bean Brownie Recipe

    For those of you who have a hard time tracking down agave nectar (which is becoming much more readily available) substitute honey 1:1 for the agave nectar.

    Ania’s head notes encourage you to keep these brownies in the refrigerator, they will slice much better if refrigerated several hours or preferably overnight. I used instant coffee this time around, but you can find natural coffee substitute at many natural food stores.

    4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
    1 cup unsalted butter
    2 cups soft-cooked black beans, drained well (hs: canned is fine)
    1 cup walnuts, chopped
    1 tablespoon vanilla extract
    ¼ cup (granulated) natural coffee substitute (or instant coffee, for gluten-sensitive)
    ¼ teaspoon sea salt
    4 large eggs
    1½ cups light agave nectar

    Preheat the oven to 325°F. Line an 11- by 18-inch (rimmed) baking pan (hs note: or jellyroll pan) with parchment paper and lightly oil with canola oil spray.

    Melt the chocolate and butter in a glass bowl in the microwave for 1 1/2 to 2 minutes on high. Stir with a spoon to melt the chocolate completely. Place the beans, 1/2 cup of the walnuts, the vanilla extract, and a couple of spoonfuls of the melted chocolate mixture into the bowl of a food processor. Blend about 2 minutes, or until smooth. The batter should be thick and the beans smooth. Set aside.

    In a large bowl, mix together the remaining 1/2 cup walnuts, remaining melted chocolate mixture, coffee substitute, and salt. Mix well and set aside.

    In a separate bowl, with an electric mixer beat the eggs until light and creamy, about 1 minute. Add the agave nectar and beat well. Set aside.

    Add the bean/chocolate mixture to the coffee/chocolate mixture. Stir until blended well.

    Add the egg mixture, reserving about 1/2 cup. Mix well. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Using an electric mixer, beat the remaining 1/2 cup egg mixture until light and fluffy. Drizzle over the brownie batter. Use a wooden toothpick to pull the egg mixture through the batter, creating a marbled effect. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, until the brownies are set. Let cool in the pan completely before cutting into squares. (They will be soft until refrigerated.)

    Makes 45 (2-inch) brownies.

    Reprinted with permission from Baking With Agave Nectar: Over 100 Recipes Using Nature’s Ultimate Sweetener by Ania Catalano. (Ten Speed Press 2008)”

    *** Daria’s Notes:

    I used less agave nectar, but it was not lite.

    I didnt have 4 ounces of chocolate, so I substituted several spoons of Cocoa powder

    I didn’t want to microwave, so I put a glass bowl in a pot of water and melted the butter and chocolate in there

    I didnt have a whole stick of butter, so I used some Ghee

    I wasn’t thrilled about the coffee (i used instant, but its cool)

    I ghee’d the pan, no parchment paper (don’t know how to fold that mofo to have it stay on)

    My pan was like 8 by 14 or something.

    I kept it in 40 minutes, didn’t burn.

    Half a cup of egg mixture to drizzle was too much for top.



    than they were warm the day before. Comes out creamy fudge textured (not fluffy cake textured)

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:15pm

  660. 660: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    only made me like 16 brownies max, waht you talking about 45 lady

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:17pm

  661. 661: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Daria!

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:19pm

  662. 662: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    He he…..thank you Daria. :)

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:44pm

  663. 663: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Practice letting the “men out in the field”
    into your heart until you feel so solid inside
    that the fear of letting ’em all see who you are
    just drops away.

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 2:44pm

  664. 664: JenniferNo Gravatar says:


    “I want a man who knows he wants me forever. And who I want and respect. Who I look up to. ”

    Wow..I’ve been thinking about this all day.
    This is what I want too. Totally. I’m gonna put it in my eharmony account.

    I may modify it a bit.
    “I want a man who behaves like he wants me forever, and who I want for ever and can respect. Who I look up to”

    naaahhhhhhh I like yours better.

    Monday, 21 June 2010 @ 8:19pm

  665. 665: LauraNo Gravatar says:

    RORI (and ladies)
    I have come across a situation that I am at a loss as to how to process it……..or handle it in a Siren”y” way. I have been crying since I found out….a few hours ago….and it is not anything I can even share with my friends because of the personal nature.

    In a nutshell…..I met a wonderful man a year and a half ago. We fell in love and have had some bumps in the rode (his undiagnosed depression and ADD) but we have worked it all out. We too a break for a month in March but missed each other so much we got back together and it has been wonderful. I am 50….he 52. Both my kids are in college. He has one grown and one in HS. Both of his are boys. We share all the same friends and love each other deeply.
    BUT….the last few weeks….he had been acting very shady. Not at all like him and because I know him so well….I KNEW there was something up. He was not answering the phone when I called sometimes and when we were together he was checking his texts a lot. When I mentioned it….he was VERY defensive. FINALLY….he said…”There is something going on but I am not ready to opend up about it yet….just give some time.” Saturday night we went out and had a fabulous time…..he spent the night and we made love all night. Today…Tuesday….he asked me to meet him to talk about what is going on.
    He opened a briefcase with pictures of a young teen girl….18. He had pasted a bunch of them next to his sons. He told me that before he married his second wife….he had dated this woman for 2 years. But he ended things with her because…although she was nice….he wasn’t sure. He got married…she was married at the time…and since she wasn’t getting divorced….they broke-up and never spoke again.

    The made contact on FB 3 weeks ago. She is now divorced and had a pic of her daughter on line. He said he knew right away that she was his! They…the Mom and he have been together ever since. They have yet to tell the daughter or do DNA testing but he is over the moon about this girl and said to me “I love you but I have to do everything in my power to get a relationship with her before she leaves for college in the fall. I want her to get to know me and to eventually introduce her to her brothers. If that means that I am with her Mom now….then that is how it has to be.” This woman kept this daughter a secret for 18 years to keep her husband from freaking out and now that she is divorced she goes after the “real” Dad for the relationship she always wanted.
    He said that he is not denying that he is angry with the “baby momma” somewhere inside himself but he is wanting to put that aside to try and make a miracle happen…….
    What do I DO?????????? Be his friend? Cut him off?
    i feel like I am in a soap opera!!!
    Thanks in advance!

    Tuesday, 22 June 2010 @ 8:32pm

    Tuesday, 22 June 2010 @ 11:19pm

  666. 666: KathNo Gravatar says:

    How hurtful and unfair to you this “man” has been-Not worth even thinking about the motives for his actions- it is what it has meant to you- How do you feel?- I can only say what I would do- which is sever all ties- After the pain has subsided, you can smile at the good times you had with him and the way he made you feel- but he has made his choice and to expect you to sit in the wings is unfair- you may have met someone wonderful who will treat you as you should be treated. Be strong and say goodbye to him.

    Wednesday, 23 June 2010 @ 7:29am

  667. 667: LauraNo Gravatar says:

    thanks…..I guess i feel really triggered. Like I am always left. My Mom left often for a man she loved….and she died recently…my Dad has left me emotionally from my being a little girl….and has remarried someone younger than me….wouln’t even see my sister and i for Father’s Day……my ex husband remarried and has had a new baby at 50! he is 50…baby only 3 months…lol
    And every man since my divorce has left me. And now this man who loved me so much…….gone. Another woman and a child!! And after a year and a half I was that disposable. I feel pain. I feel scared. I feel alone. I do not want to CD or D at all!! I want to stay in bed with my cat on this rainy day and cry. I am angry that he just LEFT me to absorb this and has not even called to see if I am ok today.
    I feel weak and pathetic.
    I know I need to cut ties…….but the pathetic thing is that he has already cut them.
    Hugs to all of your kind words. they will help me today.

    Wednesday, 23 June 2010 @ 9:53am

  668. 668: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Staying in bed all day with your cat is taking care of you. Let your cat and the blankies hug you!


    Wednesday, 23 June 2010 @ 10:16am

  669. 669: lynneNo Gravatar says:

    What about the guy who has a plan, but I am not quite ready? Like he treats me like a goddess, siren, lets me know how amazing I am every day, GIVES me his time, attention, priority, genuine effort (washes my dishes when he’s visiting without asking!) After just a few months of INCREASING attention and devotion from him (rather than decreasing, which is what I would expect from someone who is a “player”) he says he wants to settle down with me 1000%, asked me how I would feel about getting engaged around Christmastime, or sooner if I was ready but he didn’t want to rush me. Every day tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Even though he is shy by nature. My question is it ever TOO SOON for a guy to have a plan? Is it suspicious? And for my part, is it ok to stop seeing other people when the guy is so clearly devoted and *I* am the one holding up the ring? If it weren’t for me feeling like we don’t have enough ‘calendar time’ under our belt, I’d marry the man tomorrow. I love this man, he is so good to me and my son, we have an amazing connection, and he has pursued me since day one. I had been practicing Rori’s methods for literally ONE WEEK before this man picked me out of a crowd, and three months later he’s begging to take me ring shopping. It can happen! Thanks everyone for your opinion.

    Tuesday, 13 July 2010 @ 7:51am

  670. 670: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    lynne – OMG – you’re just scared!! Follow HIS timeline! Just keep saying yes, that feels great…you are the kind of woman, like most of us, who’s scared silly of getting close to someone and trusting that you’re loved. I can’t promise you from here that he’s the real deal – but you will NEVER find out until you COMMIT. When he proposes, say yes. When he gives you a ring, take it, when he plans a date, say yes….and let us all know how this goes…Love, rori

    Wednesday, 14 July 2010 @ 6:05pm

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