Dealing With Jealousy…

   

I don’t like jealousy.

I don’t like feeling that way.

And if you’re like me, you were brought up to feel jealous.  I was taught and told pretty much that if someone else had something, then I couldn’t have it.  It was either them or me.

And at the same time, we women have been slammed from birth for being “competitive.”  Competition has always been the realm of men, and as we women are breaking through and creating incredibly satisfying lives in the world of work and careers, it’s getting even harder.  We want to succeed, but we don’t really, deep down want to do it over the dead bodies of others – especially not over the dead bodies of our men.

What we want is for EVERYONE to be able to win.  Except there’s only one person in each job in each company, only 2 senators per state, and only one actress getting the lead role in one move.  There’s no way to NOT compete.  And so there’s no way to NOT feel jealous.

Of course – another way to look at it is – “That job wasn’t meant for me,” “I’m supposed to be doing something besides being Senator or President,” (a lot of pain and competition around that this year) or “There’s something coming around the corner that will be even better.”

And this may be true, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.  Especially when it’s about love.

When someone else gets your man, it feels like a thousand knives being stuck in your heart. And all the high-minded thinking about what’s meant to be sounds hollow, and you just want to hit the person saying it (even if it’s your own brain).

So let’s try this:

When you feel it, say it.  Write it down.  Like this: “I feel jealous.” And then… “And it feels awful.”

And then…”So what?” And “Yayyy…I can FEEL!”

Instead of FIGHTING our jealousy, we have to find a way to move past it – into a place where we can gather our energy, our anger, our fear, and our jealousy, too – to create a NEW opportunity to have what we want.

That’s it – a new opportunity.  A fresh start, a new perspective, a new place, a new company, a new man.

And the amazing thing is – and all my clients experience this – when you focus on the NEW, on the FRESH, on making each moment count as if it’s got a great surprise gift ready for you to unwrap, the OLD starts creeping back.

It creeps back sometimes to pull our attention and drag us back into the mud of yesterday, or it shows up a something NEW.  I’ve seen OLD men turn into NEW men.  And I’ve seen OLD men show up as messengers to let you know for sure that you’re now in a PERMANENTLY new place, thank you very much.

First step to the New is always to feel what you’re feeling.  No denial, no shoving under the rug, no pretending.

Love, Rori

 

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Friday, 5 September 2008 @ 12:40pm

48 Comments to “Dealing With Jealousy…”

  1. 1: stephNo Gravatar says:

    I feel as though I understand where you’re going with this. Fighting jealousy or anything really only perpetuates what you fight.

    I love your method of noting what you feel and then moving past it. Acknowledging it and then saying, okay, moving on…it reminds me of meditation. I often get distracted easily and my husband says, Say, okay, I just had that thought. It’s okay. Now, moving on. Or like dieting. Okay, you just had three Oreos. But it’s not the end. You accept it, put it behind you, and start fresh again, instead of fighting yourself or beating yourself up.

    As far as jealousy goes, I’m actually not jealous in my relationship, but I do tend to compare myself to others a lot and get jealous that way. Thanks for sharing a great way to move past it!

    Sunday, 7 September 2008 @ 11:27am

  2. 2: zoretta andersNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori. I have a big issue with jealously right now. You see I been with this guy for 14 years and also have a 13 year old son by him. Here lately well he loves the computer it gives him something to do but he was either told of this website or found it hisself. I don’t really know but he been e-mailing other woman and I let him know how I feel about it. How hurt it makes me plus sad and not worthy enough for him. He truly say it means nothing it’s just something to do . But I know for sure this one woman who live very far away has gotten to him because he cannot seem to stop writing. She doesn’t know the real him because he only tell her what she want to hear plus also have sent her some money and I don’t know the real reason for that. I have ask him time and time again to stop. I have even left him over it ,came back and it still the same. He tell me he loves me and I beleive him I just don’t know why he cannot stop. Please Help. Thanks.

    Monday, 15 September 2008 @ 6:55am

  3. 3: DonnaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a problem with feeling second in my current relationship; second to my boyfriend’s daughter, second to his work, second to his interests. It may be my insecurity or just past relationship issues. I want a best friend in my relationship at this time in my life – I don’t feel I have this.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 7:38am

  4. 4: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Donna, Welcome, and I totally hear you. The key word here is “insecurity.” Work on your own life – to making it full and happy. At the same time, practice the feeling messages and emotional Tools with people everywhere until you can learn to speak the truth to this man – how you feel, what you like, what you don’t like. Consider Circular Dating.

    To go deeper in a relationship – you have to open up first. I know the Tools here and in my programs, and the wonderful women here will help you. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 12:21am

  5. 5: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I have a jealous streak. I know this about myself so anticipate feeling jealous at any moment. I have practiced saying this to myself to myself when no one is around. I anticipate my feelings , this helps me in a huge way. For example my feelings of jealousy, I know this to be true about myself, so at any given time my feeling of jealousy may come up, it is difficult to acknowledge my feelings in the moment especially such a stronge feeling. I am grateful to have a tool that will help me in my moments of feeling jealous. I know most often what I am feeling, I may not know the triggers. I feel anxious when I am around my “boyfriends” ex, maybe not jealousy just a lot of anxiety, like I “stole” her man lol , (they were broken up for more than a year when I met him.) Every time I see her, my anxiety goes way up. My impulse is to run lol or just get out of that situation as quickly as possible, feels way to uncomfortable me.

    ok so maybe I do feel jealous (just realizing that now) first I would like to get pass my feeling of extreme anxiety lol. One step at a time I suppose *sigh.

    Thank you,

    Tina

    Friday, 15 May 2009 @ 8:31am

  6. 6: TaraNo Gravatar says:

    Is it weird to be jealous of his mother? I mean, it;s a whole different type of relationship..but..he treats his mom so much better than he treats me..His mother is needy, single, late 50′s, cries all the time, and guilts him if he doesn’t answer his phone when she calls. She’s very “nice’ and likes everyone, and I feel bad for feeling angry when she calls. But he also enables her to be that way. If I need him, and am crying or upset he tells me to handle my problems myself..and if his mom is having a rough moment, he calls her, and offers to take her to dinner..
    But me??….Nope.
    If she needs him the same time I do, he chooses to be there for her. Then, when she’s done needing him or feels “better’, then he will make sure I am OK.
    He and I argue about it all the time. He is denial about the unhealthy relationship him and hnis mother have./ Believe me, I am glad he is there for her. But, I need him sometimes too. I have expressed this to him, and he tells me that I am too “needy” and that I need to go back to my counselour. He blames me for alot, and tells me that I am “allowing” myself to get worked up over nothing.
    What do I do???

    Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:43am

  7. 7: TaraNo Gravatar says:

    Also, when it comes to other women, or women he’s been with in the past–he’s treated them with so much more respect than he does with me. They’ve all left him pretty much, except for me..who’s been dumped by him over and over again the past several years..
    But, I agree with steph-i think i compare myself to other women that he talks to or has been with and I get insecure that way, or jealous. I usually not a jealous person, but with him…..i don’t know..it’s because he treats other women better than he treats me, and makes me wonder what they have that I don’t…confidence?? or strength?? not sure..
    but with him, i come out last.

    Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:47am

  8. 8: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Tara, you are in a bad way. You are addicted, obsessing, and completely forgetting about yourself. Please – work with yourself…Love, Rori

    Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 12:00pm

  9. 9: zmjNo Gravatar says:

    Hi..
    I think I have a very big problem here. I don’t know why my relationship man likes to mention other girl names/ used their names and like making a joke to see me jealous. (He’s a singer although not a very top one).
    Sometimes its like a joke, maybe he has very low self-esteem or what?
    Or he just wants to show me that many young gurls are attracted to him still although he’s 41 and I’m 31?
    Or he thinks that I’m only HIS FRIEND so I’m not supposed to be jealous?
    Or he’s trying any way to push me away, so if I get angry and scold him so he can leave me?
    Pls help.. I really dunno hw to handle this smartly!

    Monday, 20 July 2009 @ 10:59am

  10. 10: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    zmj – Welcome, and share with him how you feel. That you feel confused whenever he mentions other women, that you feel weird and jealous, and it doesn’t feel good. Ask him what he thinks you can do to compromise on this. And if you feel uncomfortable next time he does it, after you’ve talked…leave the room. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 21 July 2009 @ 12:54pm

  11. 11: EmilyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lori;
    What about if I share my feelings and insecures with my husband and explain how i feel with some actions that he does (for example, give to much attention to a female co-worker; texting with her and send pictures of himself to her after a surgery he had, telling that he took the picture specially for her; etc etc)… and only he says that I am exaggerating and the things are not like I feel…
    I mean, what happen if he refuses all these feelings??

    After that I started Not to say anything and hide what I have been felling with other situations too.. But I don’t feel right. I feel like i am not honest with him pretending that everything is ok. I don’t want to argue with him. I don’t want him to call me Jealous and insecure..

    What should I have to do? I really love him!
    How can I start to share my feelings in a correct way in order to be heard and appreciated?

    Wednesday, 22 July 2009 @ 2:04pm

  12. 12: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Emily, I don’t like what your husband is doing, flirting with other women and making it like you’re crazy. You’re not. It doesn’t feel good. What you need is some tough boundaries. The women here will help you see that and take it step-by-step to a different view of this situation. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 22 July 2009 @ 10:34pm

  13. 13: zmjNo Gravatar says:

    Rory, thx…
    I did ask nicely, only after he started saying that he wanted to ask for a lady’s picture thru sms. I’m not sure if he really did or not. When I asked him, he then made a joke like, “Why, are u having period now?”. I said of course not.

    Then I asked him again, “Why do you like to mention their names? ..” with extra, “I don’t think they are my competitor”, He blamed me then and stopped smsing me. We’re couples – not staying together. Was my second line very bad..?

    I sent sms to him after that saying.., ” I feel so sad now because you can simply stop smsing me and became angry although I blv that I’m so nice wth you”. Thats my last sms, but til now he still keeps quiet. What shd I do?

    I don’t want to chase him anymore. Yup, I did once, begging and chasing, driving to his place. But it seems like he took it for granted – always asked me to be his driver to go here and there (althogh not in ‘order’ type but it seemss like one). I want to stay calm this time, but at the same time very authentic. Should I sms him after 2-3 days and tell him that I’m longing, sad, frustrated? Or he won’t sms me at all?

    Hope you can help. Thx alot..

    Wednesday, 22 July 2009 @ 11:09pm

  14. 14: EmilyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori for your answer!
    But I don’t know how to place tough boundaries…
    Do I have to talk to him again?…. give me please some ideas of what boundaries I need.

    Friday, 24 July 2009 @ 10:11am

  15. 15: Christine ArcherNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,

    I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now! I am jealous and insecure over my fiance’s friend from work. She is going through a nasty divorce and just lost her dad to cancer recently. My fiance is trying to be her friend (as he says) because he’s been through what she is going through, he had a nasty divorce and lost his grandpa to cancer last year. He says that he still loves me and wants myself and his co-worker to be friends eventually. But how do I get past this jealousy that I feel since they have a connection that I don’t have? This feeling caused me to accuse him of cheating on me (something he has never done) because family and friends have told me that because he is trying to be friends with her and is pulling away from me is trying to tell me that he wants to end it by cheating. Please help me I don’t want to lose him! He is the only man that has ever loved me for me, I don’t want to throw away 3 years of a normally great relationship up to now.

    Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 9:48am

  16. 16: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Whoa, Christine – okay–get OFF the train you’re on. Just step off the jealousy train. Step OFF. Now get on another train. This train is LOVE FOR CHRISTINE!! I want you to hug yourself and love yourself SO hard you feel safe in your own arms.

    Now– this is an emotional thing he has with this woman. If you try to step into it — you will LOSE.
    Instead – you must build your self-confidence – double it – triple it…and get REALLY BUSY. This means activities, classes, FUN THINGS! I want you SMILING ALL THE time. AND – I want you VULNERABLE. You’re going to have to out-girl this other woman, and you can’t do it by creating some drama for yourself. You’re going to have to do it with Feeling Messages – and they’re going to have to be happy, positive, passionate ones.

    Come up with some ideas…post them here – everyone – please help with ideas (and I’ll write a new post around this) to be vulnerable in a happy way instead of a negative way. Complaining here will do you in. You cannot see her as a competitor. You’re going to have to BEAT her in a different way — and that way is marked “girl”!!

    I also want you to flirt your ass off out there when he’s not with you – this is Circular Dating within a relationship. We’ll all help, and the Targeting Mr. Right category here will give you some basics…Love, Rori

    Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 12:14pm

  17. 17: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Christine, this is such a powerful issue, I’m going to use your letter and my answer (plus way more) in an eletter — if you want me to change your name for that, let me know… (it probably won’t come out for another month, though, so get the help you need NOW here and in my Modern Siren program and ebook). Love, Rori

    Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 12:20pm

  18. 18: Christine ArcherNo Gravatar says:

    Rory,

    Thank you, he does want this to work out between him and I and he wants Leah’s (the co-worker) friendship because he understands what she is going through right now. I see that my being jealous has threatened my relationship with my fiance. I have been told that I should let them become friends that it could lead to something else. But he has insisted that it hasn’t never come to that point and if it should ever come to that point he would let me know so I could move on. No you don’t have to change my name. Thank you for being there for me, I am so glad to have someone to talk to that has been there before. I am going to do my best to stop being jealous of Leah since I am the one that he gave the ring to not her.

    Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 1:49pm

  19. 19: Christine ArcherNo Gravatar says:

    Rory,

    Thank you, he does want this to work out between him and I and he wants Leah’s (the co-worker) friendship because he understands what she is going through right now. I see that my being jealous has threatened my relationship with my fiance. I have been told that I shouldn’t let them become friends that it could lead to something else. But he has insisted that it hasn’t never come to that point and if it should ever come to that point he would let me know so I could move on. No you don’t have to change my name. Thank you for being there for me, I am so glad to have someone to talk to that has been there before. I am going to do my best to stop being jealous of Leah since I am the one that he gave the ring to not her.

    Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 1:50pm

  20. 20: Christine ArcherNo Gravatar says:

    Rori,

    Thanks for your advice but I think that my fiance and I might be breaking up. He told me last night that all he feels for me now is friendship and that in his gut this co-worker wants a relationship with him, even though that’s not what he wants. He has yet to ask her how she feels for him because he says its too soon. But he is pretty sure about her feelings because she acts the way that I did when he and I first were starting out, wanting to be with him all the time and always thinking about him and so on. He says that we might still have a chance that only time and Leah’s feelings for him will tell.

    Tuesday, 28 July 2009 @ 8:16am

  21. 21: MiriamNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,
    I have a long-distance-relationship since one year with my boyfriend. He has a lot of girls as friends in his circle of friends. Especially one girl he feels “soulmate” with. Three weeks ago he met her with three other woman and they celebrated her birthday the whole night long and slept together at her flat. After that we phoned an he said as I asked him if he canoodled her (what I shouldn´t have asked) that there was nothing. I said to him that I am jealous. He said he loves me and decided to be with me but he also needs her as a friend.
    now as he calls me every evening, i am always a bit afraid and askant about our relationship. Last sunday I again asked if he has been ever in love with her ( as he often tells from her when we talk) but he said they once talked about having a relationship but decided that the chemistry wasn´t rihgt. It´s a bit confusing for me. One time he talks about her and says how he likes her an other time he says he loves me (what I try to believe) and wants to be with me.
    I know I have less self-esteem and, Rory, I maybe should try to have fun and meet other man like circular dating.
    How can I be more relaxed when he calls in the evenings ( I´m most of the time a bit anxious before he calls, ´cause I think I have to be “in a good mood” and most of the time I am jealous or a bit depressed)??? I try to think of ” leaning back ” and cuddle my pillow when he calls, it helps a bit.
    Greetings, Miriam

    Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 12:06pm

  22. 22: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Miriam – you got it with the “maybe I should try to have fun and met other men like Circular Dating.” If you were here, I’d grab you, hug you and read you the riot act for being exclusively involved with a man who not only doesn’t have his ring on your finger – he isn’t even in your presence!!! Long-distance sucks, and unless you’re married to the man and he’s overseas in the service — I see absolutely no rationale for being exclusive. Period. Love, rori

    Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 12:19pm

  23. 23: MiriamNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much Rory!

    Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 4:43pm

  24. 24: la la landNo Gravatar says:

    well hi rori
    im going to write on this page today because i am on the jealousy train again.
    before i was threatened divorce my husband found his ex on the internet
    and they have been in touch ever since.
    working your way i decided to out-girl her and not fall on the jealousy trap.
    but i find it hard, he says i should be happy for him for having such a friend but i cant really. i feel i lost here.
    i got my life together better then ever, i started driving im working more doing so good, but this is too much, i want to quit. i know i should focus on my fun but..

    Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 9:42am

  25. 25: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    la la – there is a big difference between not allowing jealousy to run you – and tolerating situations you shouldn’t be tolerating. I’m going to jump off into a post, here…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 2:15pm

  26. 26: la la landNo Gravatar says:

    thank you rori , im looking forward to it.

    Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 4:35pm

  27. 27: la la landNo Gravatar says:

    now you got me working,
    in this relationship i am the jealous partner
    this pushed him away from me very efficiently
    in the early years it made him cut off relationship he wanted with female friends etc,
    then he hide them [ ended in a big drama with actual affairs over a year time]
    lately, he just keeps in touch with whom ever, tries to be open about it, as he is not afraid of loosing the marriage, this became an option for us. all this are part of who he is now and in a way he defines his territory with their presence.
    im paying for so many mistake i cant tell the difference anymore.
    i want a fresh start, but i guess that means focusing on myself, well i do, i have few success at work and looks and so on but in a way i suffer. self dating is no fun, i did two trips by myself and it was hard. i felt as a total stranger.
    i dont know how to have fun, im better at ‘function’ and ‘waiting’. i think i have to focus on that. ‘get a life’ is what he usually say to me.
    many times he told me he knows i will be better off him, but the challenge is to do both. emancipate me and stay together.

    Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 2:09am

  28. 28: la la landNo Gravatar says:

    the ironic of our situation is that officially i cheated first.
    i had a small [one time] overlap with a roommate i use to sleep with when i met my husband.
    even though that roommate is long time dead unfortunately, and we picked ourselves up and became a family. that panic i went through when realizing what just happened… i think that made him right and me wrong for the rest of our life, i probably lost all my powers then. the day he pooled back on me, i lost all my self respect and went after him like a wounded animal.
    but i shell reinvent myself, and let gone be gone.
    its siren time.

    Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 2:47am

  29. 29: TrishaNo Gravatar says:

    “Jealousy is rotteness to the bone” It is an emotion that causes a great deal of anger in me. My man has been a professional singer who started his own band in CA back 20 years ago. He sang on stage with the Temptations at one time too. Have any idea what it’s like to be in the audience and have woman swooning and “ooing” and “ahhing” over him while he’s singing? How it feels to have big bosomed woman pressing themselves into his body for hugs when they see him when we walk into a club? i’m attractive in my own right and can even sing myself yet with him, he’s well dressed, handsome and very “innocent” around the crowds. I feel like i just disappear and become invisible. There are so many times the women come right up to our table and totally ignore me and talk directly to him saying how much they loved the song he sang or what a great singer he is. For me i get angry and insecure bec he can have his pick of woman. Jealousy is one of the more scarey emotions that need more skills to be able to deal with it. It literally is “fear of loss” and when men seem to do whatever they want, whenever they want…in their wrongness they turn it all around on the woman like we are the “crazy ones” surely, it’s NOT them right?

    Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 2:25am

  30. 30: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    So many posts that too can add my story too..

    I was never a jealous person, but I have become one since my man of 17years dropped a bomb shell a few years back he wanted out..

    Now I am very jealous of any friend, male/female.
    We are trying to work things thru, to no avail.
    He spends more time away with work, or watching sport with his mates.

    We have not been on a date or a romantic dinner in 3 years.
    The other week he went to a mates to watch footy , then just decided to go out later ( it was planned) and ended up at a pub where a female accquaintance was having her birthday. So he hung out with her for the night. Tried to keep it a secret from me, cause he wanted to help her celebrate her birthday and help make her night special.

    That make the green eye’d monster come out in me, like you would not believe, he buys them gifts, personal ones – jewellery perfume etc.

    I his partner of 17years and 3 children. He has never done that for me.

    I had just had my own birthday – a mile stone one and a hard one for allot of people. He didn’t buy me a gift or get me a card. Was grumpy the whole day of my birthday no kiss or hug, at the restaurant with my family he changes seats from sitting next to me to move across to the otherside of the table. It truly broke my heart.
    he went to bed at 8pm saying he was tired. The next night was New Year .. he like everyone else they saves themselves for this night and he went and partied hard with his friends …..

    Sunday, 7 March 2010 @ 10:03pm

  31. 31: HollyNo Gravatar says:

    I was looking at the jealousy issue and the stripper, becasue my boyfriend likes to flirt with other women and look at porn and go to strip clubs. At one time he joined a dating site from porn for a discreet relationship and I confronted him and he said you don’t understand. I did join it for free but not done anything. He just wants a sexual relationship right now because he things I am crazy with my jealousy, but I don’t feel cared by him and I have always had jealousy issues with all my men. I need help. Thanks. I just ordered the modern siren

    Saturday, 27 March 2010 @ 9:29am

  32. 32: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Holly, Welcome – and here’s the thing. If you love yourself not enough – you will feel jealous of others for all kinds of things, and in romance, you will feel a sense of lack and jealousy all the time – and that feeling inside you, that push coming from old traumas and old behaviors – will ENSURE that you will ATTRACT and be ATTRACTED to men who will MAKE you jealous. You attract what triggers you most until you start to become aware of this pattern – and consciously practice being with men who do NOT make you jealous or constantly trigger the “same old things” (even if they’re ‘boring” at first.) Love, Rori

    Saturday, 27 March 2010 @ 10:17am

  33. 33: HollyNo Gravatar says:

    You mean leave my boyfriend and find other men who don’t trigger my jealousy, but the comments I see if to really learn to love myself and do you recommend any program that would help? I think I also got reconnect your relationship program. I could relate with the other women’s comments about her man flirting with other women and his ex and says that I am crazy. He also looks at porn and goes to strip clubs. I feel he is very disrespectful to me. I can’t take this anymore. I feel like I am going to end up in the loony bin. I feel I attract the toxic men. I first have to love myself?

    Saturday, 27 March 2010 @ 10:29am

  34. 34: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Yes – you first have to love yourself. Then you’ll catch the red flags. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 27 March 2010 @ 5:11pm

  35. 35: HollyNo Gravatar says:

    You mean I need to love myself first and along iwth your programs I will see if my current my boyfriend is toxic and is not fixable and then leave him.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 5:30am

  36. 36: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori:

    I found this thread and I am glad I did. I have struggled my whole marriage with feelings of jealousy, and it has just been lately that I totally let go of these feelings, with the help of counselors. Since my marriage to a totally gorgeous man, I always felt insecure everywhere we went, that women were staring at him, why? because he is sooooo damn handsome, that is why. If you saw my husband, you’d be floored he’s is so gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome. He makes me swoon still.

    BUT, he has some real deficiencies. And I have learned looks are not everything. Matter of fact, I have come to feel I’;d rather have a short, bald husband who adores me than a tall and handsome one who strays. I didn’t know this or even consider it when we married. And mind you I am not bad looking either. I am a tall Swedish blonde with a great figure, and I still get stares everywhere I go, which I HATE. I do not want to be stared at for my looks. I want to be appreciated for me, the me inside.

    I have finally gotten to the place where I really do not feel jealous anymore, like I used to. I guess it;’s cuz I finally have come to know it’s the person on the inside that counts the most. Their goodness, honesty, what they do for others, how they live their lives, that is the most beautiful, in the long run. Looks are nice, but they do not last. What you do, and now you live your life, is what matters. I have come to know this in my later years and now I don’t feel jealous at all, like I did before. Now I feel, if my husband wants to leave me for some stripper, let him. I feel confident anyway, hurt, yes, but secure in the way I choose to live my life. I know I cannot compete with some stripper with the perfect body, but I know now there are more important things in life than having the perfect physique. And I feel so happy about this.

    Thx to anyone reading this.

    God Bless~

    Tuesday, 6 April 2010 @ 10:28am

  37. 37: StacieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori, I’m in a situation where my boyfriend of about 3 months has some insecurity issues. He’s extremely jaded about women and must’ve been cheated on in the past. He thinks I can get any guy I want and always asks, “what are you doing with me?” He asks questions about every little thing, and every comment that a guy leaves me on my Facebook wall, he questions me. I always say nice things to him and reassure him, and he responds negatively like by saying “yeah whatever.” I try to use feeling messages, but everytime I try to talk about anything he thinks I’m starting drama and gets defensive. I even told him that it hurts me when I say nice things to him and he doesn’t believe me, and told him that he needs to become more secure or it’s going to start affecting our relationship. He immediatley got defensive and said that his ex called him insecure too and he’s not going to deal with that again. Everytime we argue, he threatens to leave me and says horrible mean things like, “have fun being single, go flirt with your guy friends.” I’m starting to see these red flags, but I’m already emotionally involved and would be so disappointed if it didn’t work out. I’m 32 and a single Mommy and don’t want to start over…again. He’s great and accepting of my son, and that’s hard to find. Plus we have great chemistry and passion and when it’s good, it’s really good. I can see myself having a future with him, but I need to get through to him that I’m not like his exes and I’m not going to cheat on him. So, how can I communicate feeling messages with a guy like him? He just shuts down anytime issues come up and he can be so mean. I feel like when i try to talk to him, it just makes us regress and pushed him away. Also, his insecurity makes me nervous b/c there are times when I’ve actually lied to him, not because I’m doing anything wrong, but if I even have contact with another man he gets jealous and it just starts a big fight. It’s not even worth it to tell him if I talk to a guy friend, but I hate lying. I feel like I would have to have NO guy friends to keep him happy. UGH, what do I do with this guy?!

    Thursday, 15 April 2010 @ 10:49am

  38. 38: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Stacie, Welcome, and you sound wonderful and this sounds unhappy. I truly encourage you to back away from him and let him know that it feels horrible to argue, and is there some way he’d like you to talk to him when something’s bothering you…I would NOT label him in any way – not as insecure, or troubled, or anything. The fact is, he makes you feel uncomfortable – and that’s just not the way it’s supposed to be. Especially so early in a relationship when everyone’s on their best behavior. By the way – men who’ve been cheated on have a dilemma – and you have one with a man who’s been cheated on – and it’s that he’s ATTRACTED to a woman who’s cheating on him . So it’s this love/hate, moth drawn to flame kind of thing. He’s angry, and yet that’s what he’s attracted to. Stay away from analyzing him, and just observe, be cool, see what happens when you stop thinking of him as insecure – just different from you. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 15 April 2010 @ 6:11pm

  39. 39: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    All – I’ve been meaning to put a teleclass/group coaching class together for my clients, so I just scheduled it in my calendar – next Monday evening, April 19th, 5:30 PDT/8:30EDT for 90 minutes, and wanted to let you know, too. I’ve put a page up for it here… http://www.coachrori.com/teleclass, and the button goes to Paypal. I’ll close down the signups at 10 women, because I wanted to work one-on-one with everyone (like in the old days when I was just getting started and did group coaching like you see in my program demos…). The class is called “What To Say To Him” and it will be all Scripting and Speeches – the kind of thing that works best in a group…If it works well and everyone likes it…I’ll consider doing one a month, or a 6 week class. (Oh – all the $ will be given to my favorite charity, Fund for Animals). Love, Rori

    Thursday, 15 April 2010 @ 6:21pm

  40. 40: GiannaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies,

    I’ve been reading these posts for many months now, but this is my first. Whenever I need advice, an escape, or “companionship,” I come here. You all have helped me more than I can say. Sometimes you make me laugh, or groan with agreement, or roll my eyes because you are being silly and sometimes I forget my pain because your’s is so much greater. Thank you.

    This jealousy topic is so interesting to me. If I have no facts, but I feel it, am I crazy or is my intution amazing? I love myself enough to know that it may indeed be the latter. But, I’m wise enough to know it may be me lacking in self esteem.

    I am in a relationship. I don’t know if I want to save it. I’d like some advice on which or Rori’s programs to start first. I suspect Modern Siren so I can work on me first?

    Thank you for reading. I’m looking foward to hearing from you. (Oh, and maybe even from Rori herself?!)

    Gianna

    Tuesday, 11 May 2010 @ 9:35am

  41. 41: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Gianna, Welcome! I always say to start with the ebook – all the programs build from there…and I think everyone would agree that Modern Siren is the place to go next – though I really like you to go with Reconnect as soon as possible to understand the basic “steps” of the process we’re doing and how each program works on aspects of these steps…and “Targeting” is crucial if you’re going to Circular Date. I always tell my clients to get all the programs and forget about talking with me one-on-one! Much more cost effective and 24/7 available. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 11 May 2010 @ 3:31pm

  42. 42: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Aahhhh.. I feel jealous and it feels awful…..

    A NRI girl met Vishal on his way back India, and sent him a request on orkut, he told me all about her… I feel jealous whenever he talks to any other girl… I don’t like him talking to any other girl…..

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 2:42pm

  43. 43: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    You know what I feel jealous and angry, yes, ANGRY about. I am an older woman who takes good care of herself……yet, when I date men, oftentimes they look long and hard at younger women who are also attractive. I guess what bothers me is….I try hard to look good and all and yet they still seem to stare at younger women…..am I just dating the wrong men or am I just too insecure? I realize I am a somewhat jealous woman and I really want to get it behind me…

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 2:53pm

  44. 44: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette

    i have read it by a expert, that when an attractive women passes by, it’s just natural for a man to turn his head and take a glance at her, and after that he should be back at you, if not, the he’s the wrong guy….

    You said they look at young ladies for a long time, why don’t you try feeling message such as, “I really feel bad when I’m out with someone and am not getting their full attention. I feel resentful and unappreciated. And I don’t like feeling that.”

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 3:05pm

  45. 45: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita, thank you for your words. I have said what you said I should say to men, but then I feel stupid and insecure….so I don’t always say it. I don’t think it when men just glance for a moment or two, I feel it when they stare and say something like, “Don’t they have beautiful hair?” I get jealous at that point. Maybe it’s because my hair is just fine and not beautiful I guess. I just want to know when it’s lust and when it’s just making a comment. Know what I mean?

    Sunday, 11 July 2010 @ 5:55pm

  46. 46: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Guys, How do you keep a guy from getting jealous when you have grandchildren and you want to spend time with them too? Especially when the relationship is becoming potentially marriage material?

    Monday, 26 July 2010 @ 3:54pm

  47. 47: karlaNo Gravatar says:

    How does one change thier jealous behavior if your partner continues to do stuff to make you jealous?

    Monday, 16 August 2010 @ 10:10am

  48. 48: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    karla – What’s he doing? Rori

    Monday, 16 August 2010 @ 11:11pm

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