Dealing With Jealousy…
Are you new to my blog and like what you are reading? Then Subscribe to my RSS feed and get updates delivered right to your email. You can also learn more about me (Rori Raye) or read some of my best posts.
I don’t like jealousy.
I don’t like feeling that way.
And if you’re like me, you were brought up to feel jealous. I was taught and told pretty much that if someone else had something, then I couldn’t have it. It was either them or me.
And at the same time, we women have been slammed from birth for being “competitive.” Competition has always been the realm of men, and as we women are breaking through and creating incredibly satisfying lives in the world of work and careers, it’s getting even harder. We want to succeed, but we don’t really, deep down want to do it over the dead bodies of others - especially not over the dead bodies of our men.
What we want is for EVERYONE to be able to win. Except there’s only one person in each job in each company, only 2 senators per state, and only one actress getting the lead role in one move. There’s no way to NOT compete. And so there’s no way to NOT feel jealous.
Of course - another way to look at it is - “That job wasn’t meant for me,” “I’m supposed to be doing something besides being Senator or President,” (a lot of pain and competition around that this year) or “There’s something coming around the corner that will be even better.”
And this may be true, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Especially when it’s about love.
When someone else gets your man, it feels like a thousand knives being stuck in your heart. And all the high-minded thinking about what’s meant to be sounds hollow, and you just want to hit the person saying it (even if it’s your own brain).
So let’s try this:
When you feel it, say it. Write it down. Like this: “I feel jealous.” And then… “And it feels awful.”
And then…”So what?” And “Yayyy…I can FEEL!”
Instead of FIGHTING our jealousy, we have to find a way to move past it - into a place where we can gather our energy, our anger, our fear, and our jealousy, too - to create a NEW opportunity to have what we want.
That’s it - a new opportunity. A fresh start, a new perspective, a new place, a new company, a new man.
And the amazing thing is - and all my clients experience this - when you focus on the NEW, on the FRESH, on making each moment count as if it’s got a great surprise gift ready for you to unwrap, the OLD starts creeping back.
It creeps back sometimes to pull our attention and drag us back into the mud of yesterday, or it shows up a something NEW. I’ve seen OLD men turn into NEW men. And I’ve seen OLD men show up as messengers to let you know for sure that you’re now in a PERMANENTLY new place, thank you very much.
First step to the New is always to feel what you’re feeling. No denial, no shoving under the rug, no pretending.
Love, Rori
written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »
steph says:
I feel as though I understand where you’re going with this. Fighting jealousy or anything really only perpetuates what you fight.
I love your method of noting what you feel and then moving past it. Acknowledging it and then saying, okay, moving on…it reminds me of meditation. I often get distracted easily and my husband says, Say, okay, I just had that thought. It’s okay. Now, moving on. Or like dieting. Okay, you just had three Oreos. But it’s not the end. You accept it, put it behind you, and start fresh again, instead of fighting yourself or beating yourself up.
As far as jealousy goes, I’m actually not jealous in my relationship, but I do tend to compare myself to others a lot and get jealous that way. Thanks for sharing a great way to move past it!
Sunday, 7 September 2008 @ 11:27am
zoretta anders says:
Dear Rori. I have a big issue with jealously right now. You see I been with this guy for 14 years and also have a 13 year old son by him. Here lately well he loves the computer it gives him something to do but he was either told of this website or found it hisself. I don’t really know but he been e-mailing other woman and I let him know how I feel about it. How hurt it makes me plus sad and not worthy enough for him. He truly say it means nothing it’s just something to do . But I know for sure this one woman who live very far away has gotten to him because he cannot seem to stop writing. She doesn’t know the real him because he only tell her what she want to hear plus also have sent her some money and I don’t know the real reason for that. I have ask him time and time again to stop. I have even left him over it ,came back and it still the same. He tell me he loves me and I beleive him I just don’t know why he cannot stop. Please Help. Thanks.
Monday, 15 September 2008 @ 6:55am
Donna says:
I have a problem with feeling second in my current relationship; second to my boyfriend’s daughter, second to his work, second to his interests. It may be my insecurity or just past relationship issues. I want a best friend in my relationship at this time in my life - I don’t feel I have this.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 7:38am
Rori Raye says:
Donna, Welcome, and I totally hear you. The key word here is “insecurity.” Work on your own life - to making it full and happy. At the same time, practice the feeling messages and emotional Tools with people everywhere until you can learn to speak the truth to this man - how you feel, what you like, what you don’t like. Consider Circular Dating.
To go deeper in a relationship - you have to open up first. I know the Tools here and in my programs, and the wonderful women here will help you. Love, Rori
Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 12:21am
Tina says:
I have a jealous streak. I know this about myself so anticipate feeling jealous at any moment. I have practiced saying this to myself to myself when no one is around. I anticipate my feelings , this helps me in a huge way. For example my feelings of jealousy, I know this to be true about myself, so at any given time my feeling of jealousy may come up, it is difficult to acknowledge my feelings in the moment especially such a stronge feeling. I am grateful to have a tool that will help me in my moments of feeling jealous. I know most often what I am feeling, I may not know the triggers. I feel anxious when I am around my “boyfriends” ex, maybe not jealousy just a lot of anxiety, like I “stole” her man lol , (they were broken up for more than a year when I met him.) Every time I see her, my anxiety goes way up. My impulse is to run lol or just get out of that situation as quickly as possible, feels way to uncomfortable me.
ok so maybe I do feel jealous (just realizing that now) first I would like to get pass my feeling of extreme anxiety lol. One step at a time I suppose *sigh.
Thank you,
Tina
Friday, 15 May 2009 @ 8:31am
Tara says:
Is it weird to be jealous of his mother? I mean, it;s a whole different type of relationship..but..he treats his mom so much better than he treats me..His mother is needy, single, late 50’s, cries all the time, and guilts him if he doesn’t answer his phone when she calls. She’s very “nice’ and likes everyone, and I feel bad for feeling angry when she calls. But he also enables her to be that way. If I need him, and am crying or upset he tells me to handle my problems myself..and if his mom is having a rough moment, he calls her, and offers to take her to dinner..
But me??….Nope.
If she needs him the same time I do, he chooses to be there for her. Then, when she’s done needing him or feels “better’, then he will make sure I am OK.
He and I argue about it all the time. He is denial about the unhealthy relationship him and hnis mother have./ Believe me, I am glad he is there for her. But, I need him sometimes too. I have expressed this to him, and he tells me that I am too “needy” and that I need to go back to my counselour. He blames me for alot, and tells me that I am “allowing” myself to get worked up over nothing.
What do I do???
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:43am
Tara says:
Also, when it comes to other women, or women he’s been with in the past–he’s treated them with so much more respect than he does with me. They’ve all left him pretty much, except for me..who’s been dumped by him over and over again the past several years..
But, I agree with steph-i think i compare myself to other women that he talks to or has been with and I get insecure that way, or jealous. I usually not a jealous person, but with him…..i don’t know..it’s because he treats other women better than he treats me, and makes me wonder what they have that I don’t…confidence?? or strength?? not sure..
but with him, i come out last.
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:47am
Rori Raye says:
Tara, you are in a bad way. You are addicted, obsessing, and completely forgetting about yourself. Please - work with yourself…Love, Rori
Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 12:00pm
zmj says:
Hi..
I think I have a very big problem here. I don’t know why my relationship man likes to mention other girl names/ used their names and like making a joke to see me jealous. (He’s a singer although not a very top one).
Sometimes its like a joke, maybe he has very low self-esteem or what?
Or he just wants to show me that many young gurls are attracted to him still although he’s 41 and I’m 31?
Or he thinks that I’m only HIS FRIEND so I’m not supposed to be jealous?
Or he’s trying any way to push me away, so if I get angry and scold him so he can leave me?
Pls help.. I really dunno hw to handle this smartly!
Monday, 20 July 2009 @ 10:59am
Rori Raye says:
zmj - Welcome, and share with him how you feel. That you feel confused whenever he mentions other women, that you feel weird and jealous, and it doesn’t feel good. Ask him what he thinks you can do to compromise on this. And if you feel uncomfortable next time he does it, after you’ve talked…leave the room. Love, Rori
Tuesday, 21 July 2009 @ 12:54pm
Emily says:
Hi Lori;
What about if I share my feelings and insecures with my husband and explain how i feel with some actions that he does (for example, give to much attention to a female co-worker; texting with her and send pictures of himself to her after a surgery he had, telling that he took the picture specially for her; etc etc)… and only he says that I am exaggerating and the things are not like I feel…
I mean, what happen if he refuses all these feelings??
After that I started Not to say anything and hide what I have been felling with other situations too.. But I don’t feel right. I feel like i am not honest with him pretending that everything is ok. I don’t want to argue with him. I don’t want him to call me Jealous and insecure..
What should I have to do? I really love him!
How can I start to share my feelings in a correct way in order to be heard and appreciated?
Wednesday, 22 July 2009 @ 2:04pm
Rori Raye says:
Emily, I don’t like what your husband is doing, flirting with other women and making it like you’re crazy. You’re not. It doesn’t feel good. What you need is some tough boundaries. The women here will help you see that and take it step-by-step to a different view of this situation. Love, Rori
Wednesday, 22 July 2009 @ 10:34pm
zmj says:
Rory, thx…
I did ask nicely, only after he started saying that he wanted to ask for a lady’s picture thru sms. I’m not sure if he really did or not. When I asked him, he then made a joke like, “Why, are u having period now?”. I said of course not.
Then I asked him again, “Why do you like to mention their names? ..” with extra, “I don’t think they are my competitor”, He blamed me then and stopped smsing me. We’re couples - not staying together. Was my second line very bad..?
I sent sms to him after that saying.., ” I feel so sad now because you can simply stop smsing me and became angry although I blv that I’m so nice wth you”. Thats my last sms, but til now he still keeps quiet. What shd I do?
I don’t want to chase him anymore. Yup, I did once, begging and chasing, driving to his place. But it seems like he took it for granted - always asked me to be his driver to go here and there (althogh not in ‘order’ type but it seemss like one). I want to stay calm this time, but at the same time very authentic. Should I sms him after 2-3 days and tell him that I’m longing, sad, frustrated? Or he won’t sms me at all?
Hope you can help. Thx alot..
Wednesday, 22 July 2009 @ 11:09pm
Emily says:
Thank you Rori for your answer!
But I don’t know how to place tough boundaries…
Do I have to talk to him again?…. give me please some ideas of what boundaries I need.
Friday, 24 July 2009 @ 10:11am
Christine Archer says:
Dear Rory,
I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now! I am jealous and insecure over my fiance’s friend from work. She is going through a nasty divorce and just lost her dad to cancer recently. My fiance is trying to be her friend (as he says) because he’s been through what she is going through, he had a nasty divorce and lost his grandpa to cancer last year. He says that he still loves me and wants myself and his co-worker to be friends eventually. But how do I get past this jealousy that I feel since they have a connection that I don’t have? This feeling caused me to accuse him of cheating on me (something he has never done) because family and friends have told me that because he is trying to be friends with her and is pulling away from me is trying to tell me that he wants to end it by cheating. Please help me I don’t want to lose him! He is the only man that has ever loved me for me, I don’t want to throw away 3 years of a normally great relationship up to now.
Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 9:48am
Rori Raye says:
Whoa, Christine - okay–get OFF the train you’re on. Just step off the jealousy train. Step OFF. Now get on another train. This train is LOVE FOR CHRISTINE!! I want you to hug yourself and love yourself SO hard you feel safe in your own arms.
Now– this is an emotional thing he has with this woman. If you try to step into it — you will LOSE.
Instead - you must build your self-confidence - double it - triple it…and get REALLY BUSY. This means activities, classes, FUN THINGS! I want you SMILING ALL THE time. AND - I want you VULNERABLE. You’re going to have to out-girl this other woman, and you can’t do it by creating some drama for yourself. You’re going to have to do it with Feeling Messages - and they’re going to have to be happy, positive, passionate ones.
Come up with some ideas…post them here - everyone - please help with ideas (and I’ll write a new post around this) to be vulnerable in a happy way instead of a negative way. Complaining here will do you in. You cannot see her as a competitor. You’re going to have to BEAT her in a different way — and that way is marked “girl”!!
I also want you to flirt your ass off out there when he’s not with you - this is Circular Dating within a relationship. We’ll all help, and the Targeting Mr. Right category here will give you some basics…Love, Rori
Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 12:14pm
Rori Raye says:
Christine, this is such a powerful issue, I’m going to use your letter and my answer (plus way more) in an eletter — if you want me to change your name for that, let me know… (it probably won’t come out for another month, though, so get the help you need NOW here and in my Modern Siren program and ebook). Love, Rori
Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 12:20pm
Christine Archer says:
Rory,
Thank you, he does want this to work out between him and I and he wants Leah’s (the co-worker) friendship because he understands what she is going through right now. I see that my being jealous has threatened my relationship with my fiance. I have been told that I should let them become friends that it could lead to something else. But he has insisted that it hasn’t never come to that point and if it should ever come to that point he would let me know so I could move on. No you don’t have to change my name. Thank you for being there for me, I am so glad to have someone to talk to that has been there before. I am going to do my best to stop being jealous of Leah since I am the one that he gave the ring to not her.
Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 1:49pm
Christine Archer says:
Rory,
Thank you, he does want this to work out between him and I and he wants Leah’s (the co-worker) friendship because he understands what she is going through right now. I see that my being jealous has threatened my relationship with my fiance. I have been told that I shouldn’t let them become friends that it could lead to something else. But he has insisted that it hasn’t never come to that point and if it should ever come to that point he would let me know so I could move on. No you don’t have to change my name. Thank you for being there for me, I am so glad to have someone to talk to that has been there before. I am going to do my best to stop being jealous of Leah since I am the one that he gave the ring to not her.
Sunday, 26 July 2009 @ 1:50pm
Christine Archer says:
Rori,
Thanks for your advice but I think that my fiance and I might be breaking up. He told me last night that all he feels for me now is friendship and that in his gut this co-worker wants a relationship with him, even though that’s not what he wants. He has yet to ask her how she feels for him because he says its too soon. But he is pretty sure about her feelings because she acts the way that I did when he and I first were starting out, wanting to be with him all the time and always thinking about him and so on. He says that we might still have a chance that only time and Leah’s feelings for him will tell.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009 @ 8:16am
Miriam says:
Dear Rory,
I have a long-distance-relationship since one year with my boyfriend. He has a lot of girls as friends in his circle of friends. Especially one girl he feels “soulmate” with. Three weeks ago he met her with three other woman and they celebrated her birthday the whole night long and slept together at her flat. After that we phoned an he said as I asked him if he canoodled her (what I shouldn´t have asked) that there was nothing. I said to him that I am jealous. He said he loves me and decided to be with me but he also needs her as a friend.
now as he calls me every evening, i am always a bit afraid and askant about our relationship. Last sunday I again asked if he has been ever in love with her ( as he often tells from her when we talk) but he said they once talked about having a relationship but decided that the chemistry wasn´t rihgt. It´s a bit confusing for me. One time he talks about her and says how he likes her an other time he says he loves me (what I try to believe) and wants to be with me.
I know I have less self-esteem and, Rory, I maybe should try to have fun and meet other man like circular dating.
How can I be more relaxed when he calls in the evenings ( I´m most of the time a bit anxious before he calls, ´cause I think I have to be “in a good mood” and most of the time I am jealous or a bit depressed)??? I try to think of ” leaning back ” and cuddle my pillow when he calls, it helps a bit.
Greetings, Miriam
Monday, 26 October 2009 @ 12:06pm
Rori Raye says:
Miriam - you got it with the “maybe I should try to have fun and met other men like Circular Dating.” If you were here, I’d grab you, hug you and read you the riot act for being exclusively involved with a man who not only doesn’t have his ring on your finger - he isn’t even in your presence!!! Long-distance sucks, and unless you’re married to the man and he’s overseas in the service — I see absolutely no rationale for being exclusive. Period. Love, rori
Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 12:19pm
Miriam says:
Thank you so much Rory!
Tuesday, 27 October 2009 @ 4:43pm
la la land says:
well hi rori
im going to write on this page today because i am on the jealousy train again.
before i was threatened divorce my husband found his ex on the internet
and they have been in touch ever since.
working your way i decided to out-girl her and not fall on the jealousy trap.
but i find it hard, he says i should be happy for him for having such a friend but i cant really. i feel i lost here.
i got my life together better then ever, i started driving im working more doing so good, but this is too much, i want to quit. i know i should focus on my fun but..
Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 9:42am
Rori Raye says:
la la - there is a big difference between not allowing jealousy to run you - and tolerating situations you shouldn’t be tolerating. I’m going to jump off into a post, here…Love, Rori
Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 2:15pm
la la land says:
thank you rori , im looking forward to it.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 4:35pm
la la land says:
now you got me working,
in this relationship i am the jealous partner
this pushed him away from me very efficiently
in the early years it made him cut off relationship he wanted with female friends etc,
then he hide them [ ended in a big drama with actual affairs over a year time]
lately, he just keeps in touch with whom ever, tries to be open about it, as he is not afraid of loosing the marriage, this became an option for us. all this are part of who he is now and in a way he defines his territory with their presence.
im paying for so many mistake i cant tell the difference anymore.
i want a fresh start, but i guess that means focusing on myself, well i do, i have few success at work and looks and so on but in a way i suffer. self dating is no fun, i did two trips by myself and it was hard. i felt as a total stranger.
i dont know how to have fun, im better at ‘function’ and ‘waiting’. i think i have to focus on that. ‘get a life’ is what he usually say to me.
many times he told me he knows i will be better off him, but the challenge is to do both. emancipate me and stay together.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 2:09am
la la land says:
the ironic of our situation is that officially i cheated first.
i had a small [one time] overlap with a roommate i use to sleep with when i met my husband.
even though that roommate is long time dead unfortunately, and we picked ourselves up and became a family. that panic i went through when realizing what just happened… i think that made him right and me wrong for the rest of our life, i probably lost all my powers then. the day he pooled back on me, i lost all my self respect and went after him like a wounded animal.
but i shell reinvent myself, and let gone be gone.
its siren time.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009 @ 2:47am
Trisha says:
“Jealousy is rotteness to the bone” It is an emotion that causes a great deal of anger in me. My man has been a professional singer who started his own band in CA back 20 years ago. He sang on stage with the Temptations at one time too. Have any idea what it’s like to be in the audience and have woman swooning and “ooing” and “ahhing” over him while he’s singing? How it feels to have big bosomed woman pressing themselves into his body for hugs when they see him when we walk into a club? i’m attractive in my own right and can even sing myself yet with him, he’s well dressed, handsome and very “innocent” around the crowds. I feel like i just disappear and become invisible. There are so many times the women come right up to our table and totally ignore me and talk directly to him saying how much they loved the song he sang or what a great singer he is. For me i get angry and insecure bec he can have his pick of woman. Jealousy is one of the more scarey emotions that need more skills to be able to deal with it. It literally is “fear of loss” and when men seem to do whatever they want, whenever they want…in their wrongness they turn it all around on the woman like we are the “crazy ones” surely, it’s NOT them right?
Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 2:25am