Here’s a letter from a great client who’s long-distance boyfriend put her at emotional arms-length because – he said – he didn’t like all the anger and fighting between them.
So – she’s quite brilliantly working on many Tools and things she can shift.
In this letter, she talks about :
***Dropping the Ball (she’s been pretty-much engineering, managing, and CARRYING the “ball” of the relationship)
***Using Feeling Messages and catching and expressing her anger so much more quickly…
I’m confused today. I’ve been using feeling messages with Bill, we haven’t fought in almost 3 weeks now – and he hasn’t contacted me since Tuesday morning. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without contact. So some things are better yet …
I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m just being impatient and want our full relationship back now after making all these changes.
“Relationship tempo…” – I remember Christian Carter talking about this. And that we need more feel good moments. And they’ve been happening yet where is he? The ball sits on the ground this week. I hate this.”
You’ve been carrying the ball for so long, it’s caused your anger to become misshapen and indirect and stuffed and explosive (all those things) it’s caused many things to occur that haven’t worked for you.
And now you’ve dropped the ball and are moving away from it a bit. (BRAVA!!!)
And now the rowboat is dead in the water, the ball is sitting on the ground.
He’s never before had the opportunity to know what to do with the ball.
He’s always had the SAFETY and the EXCUSE of the anger…and now he knows he either has to pick up the ball or keep making excuses. And so he’s just sitting there. Without your ball-carrying – he has nothing to REACT to!
And so – you have to wait him out.
You have to give him the space to figure this out.
You have to feel GOOD about giving him the space.
You have to be busy and happy and forget about him calling.
You know, deep in your heart, that this is not acceptable in an exclusive relationship – no contact since Tuesday. Not okay. And you’re having a harder and harder time making it okay in your mind.
This is all deeply unsettling. It’s challenging your beliefs about the relationship. And it’s the LEAST painful way through this for you.
Breathe. Get busy and happy. Explore. Feel.
See how your anger grows every day he doesn’t call. See how you’re making things up. See what’s most painful, and where you can have fun and feel good anyway.
A Story of Mine…
My husband went on a business trip once and didn’t call for 6 days. I was astounded and wounded. I believe I called once during that time, but not again. When he finally talked I said…I felt deeply weird at not hearing from you…and I don’t like it at all. I need to know I’m being thought of.
He apologized – but I KNEW he simply had become absent-minded about me. He didn’t love me any less – he was 100% focused on what he was doing…and he wasn’t lonely. Once he knew what I needed him to do (tho I didn’t put it that way) – he created a routine so he could make me happy regardless of what he was feeling or not feeling.
And yet – ever after – I have to live with my frustration at him NOT feeling so lonely, and so bereft without me, that he wants to call all the time. that just isn’t ever going to happen as a natural, regular thing.
Can I live with that? SURE!!!
Because I feel loved! I just do. The complete package, morning-to-night, day-to-day of how he treats me makes me feel bathed in love always. I can live with not having everything go my way, all the time. I can live just fine without every single thing on my checklist.
As long as he gives me the things at the top of my list – the big-ticket items – that make me FEEL that I feel loved, calm, peaceful, sexy, happy, safe…ALL of the time!
I don’t know why this man isn’t calling.
And – for now – you don’t want to be spending your time and energy guessing and figuring.
You simply need to discover, day-by-day, if he can meet your needs without you prodding, pushing, hoping, ball-carrying.
There’s going to be a transition in here.
Where you go from drama to non-drama. From anger to laughing. From hard to easy. From upset to okay. Where you discover what’s co-dependent here, and what’s real.
It takes a bit of time – and LOT of awareness.
The awareness is your job – AND – the only thing you can be aware of is YOU.
I want you to have love EASY.