Ground Rules For Long-Distance…
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A Long-Distance Relationship feels difficult if you and your man can really DO a real, in-person relationship.
And Long-Distance feels wonderful (in an underground, subconscious way) if you and your man have fear of intimacy and long-standing patterns of pushing love away.
In other words, some long-distance couples are happiest when apart, and fall to pieces when they actually move in together, or often never even get to the moving in together stage at all.
And some long-distance couples are happiest when they finally get together.
Which one will your Long-Distance Relationship be?
Will it be an amazing way to bring you and your man - who are perfect for each other -together forever from different parts of the planet? Or just another unsuccessful attempt to bring an unreachable, uncommitable, emotionally (and now physically) unavailable man to you forever?
Here are some things you must know:
1. You CANNOT be “exclusive” with any man until you have the true commitment you want (engagement ring, actual wedding, house together, trip around the world – whatever YOU want, that means “forever” to you) – whether you’re in a “Long-Distance” relationship, or one where you see him every day. so don’t shut down your options (You can learn how to do this with ”Circular Dating” in my Commitment Blueprint program)
2. And if you’re going to “commit” to him with an engagement ring, if it’s a Long-Distance Relationship, you’d better have a wedding date set, the city and house you’re going to live in picked out and ready for you.
Why? Because long-distance can lull you into turning an Imaginary Relationship into a Real one in your head, and you don’t want to do that to yourself.
Next, we’ll talk about using what you have – the phone, texts, emails and occasional weekends together – to not just keep him attracted to you – but to get closer emotionally, so you’ll know who he really is, and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of.
written by Rori Raye •
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1: Jess C.
says:
Hi Rori,
I am interested to know what more you have to say on using what you have in a long-distance relationship (texts, emails and the occasional phone call) to keep him attracted and get closer emotionally.
I met a man about five weeks ago (he lives in Michigan, I live in California) and we kept in contact via text messaging. At first it was just cute and sweet, but it has really developed into more.
He text messages me throughout the day every day, always messages me to say good morning and always again to say goodnight. He calls me baby, tells me I’m beautiful (we send each other picture messages), tells me his mom is already planning a party for when I come visit, says he can’t wait to know everything about me, tells me I’m an amazing, incredible woman, and tells me he can’t wait to have me there so he can show off what an amazing woman he has. We have also chatted over instant messenger and he has called me two or three times for short phone conversations. Our talks are not just superficial or flirty – we’ve talked about how magnetically drawn to each other we feel, how each of us felt when we first saw each other, how we think we’d make an amazing couple, even talked about what we’d do if things work out between us and we’re as perfect together as we think we might be. He has even said he’s so lucky, he’s been given a gift, and he thinks I’m his one! He has said he’ll do whatever it takes to be in my life.
Careful not to let myself be in an Imaginary Relationship, I’ve told him that I’m not interested in a long-distance boyfriend because I feel that would be too difficult for me, and that I’m looking for more than a boyfriend. He replied by saying that he knows that and that if things go as well between us over the next few months that he is not against doing something about it. He even joked that if things work out between us he’d have to move to California, because it’s so cold in Michigan.
He is flying me out to Michigan to see him Valentine’s weekend for a long weekend. And at this point he says he is going to come out and see me in California at the end of March.
I am very excited to see him again, and am anxious to see how the weekend goes and if it is something real between us. I really feel like there is something incredible between us.
My questions for you are these: how can I most effectively use the time we will have together over Valentine’s weekend to find out more about who he really is and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of? Also, how do I ensure I am Leaning Back and letting him row the relationship oars, even though I’m so excited about what the future may hold for us, and wondering how it will develop? How do I keep him attracted? I have been trying to use feeling messages as often as possible in our text messages…I am also wondering what to watch for when I go there to see if he really meant all those things he said about wanting to be with me or if he was just saying it. How do I know how he feels about me?
Any wisdom or input you can provide will be much, much appreciated!
Thank you,
Jess C.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010 @ 4:46pm
2: Rori Raye
says:
Jess C – Welcome – and…you seem to be doing great!!! There’s always webcams and skype. If you have one, he can see you – all you have to do is use it for yourself and your friends, and share how you do it with him – let him make the decision to use it…otherwise, keep doing what you’re doing…Love, Rori
Tuesday, 2 February 2010 @ 6:27pm
3: Jess C.
says:
Hi Rori,
I just got back from an amazing weekend visiting my man in Michigan! We had such a great time together, things went really well! He told me he loves me! He’s coming out to California to visit at the end of March and is making plans to move to California in April or May.
I have given him the “No Boyfriend” speech and told him that I’m looking for a lifelong commitment, and that I don’t think being exclusive would feel right until I have that lifelong commitment, because I don’t want to get stuck in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which is not what I really want. He said that he’s not just looking for a girlfriend either and wouldn’t be moving across the country and finding a new job if he weren’t looking for the same thing as me. So, it looks like we are on the same page, but I’m still hesitant about accepting the label of “girlfriend.” I understand that a little time has to pass before he proposes, but what do I do in the meantime? Call him my boyfriend? Let him call me his girlfriend? I don’t want to see anyone else, and he doesn’t either. But how do I do this developing period, between dating and a ring? He wants to change his Facebook status to show that he is “In a Relationship with Me,” but in order for it to show, I have to approve the request. Should I accept, or should I stand firm that I’m not his girlfriend?
Thanks for your wisdom, love and light! You’ve helped me tremendously and I’m so excited and happy in my love life right now!
Jess C.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010 @ 4:27pm
4: Jess C.
says:
p.s. – thank you for suggesting Skype! We’ve been using it and it is a god-send!
Tuesday, 16 February 2010 @ 4:28pm
5: karen
says:
I love your site! I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years this month. I am in my early 40’s, he in his early 50’s. We have had our ups and downs and always end up back together. My issue is this, he talks of a future ‘when’ we win the lottery. We talk 3/4x a day, and skype for hours each night. We are a 5 hour drive from each other and have spent long weekends to weeks together at a time (I use to work for a company our of his town). As much as I do love him, I am feeling very frustrated. It kills me to think of him with someone else and in my mind I can’t picture being involved with anyone else. BUT, I feel our visits are to spread out (now that I am not there every month for work) and I feel like we are just sitting idle with no set future plans.
I honestly don’t know how to break it off (not because I don’t know how but I really don’t want to) but I don’t see our financial situations changing anytime soon to where we can actually be together. Plus, he doesn’t mention it either unless its talking about winning the lotto (most likely because he can’t afford to change the way things are). I am so torn, so confused! My birthday is tomorrow and I am disappointed he is not coming to visit. I was hoping for a bit more than V-day..he sent me an email with roses in it,,that’s it! I know money is tight but GEEZE! Please help me here!!!
Thursday, 4 March 2010 @ 10:22am
6: Rori Raye
says:
karen – Welcome – and I want you to read everything here on Circular Dating – it’s in the Targeting Mr. Right section, and if you can get the program, the ebook and Modern Siren – that will get you in an entirely new place…fast. What you need to do is just expand your life. Circular Dating is not just about dating, that’s why I want you to really learn about it and understand how it works and how to ease yourself into it. As soon as you allow yourself to interact with other men – for REAL – everything will shift for you. This man is only incidental. He’s been a “placeholder” for you for 3 years. It’s time to get your life BIGGER in a methodical, real and adventurous way – you have so much fantastic-ness ahead of you, and you don’t even have to “break up” with him!!! You get to have it ALL…Love, Rori
Thursday, 4 March 2010 @ 3:17pm