How To Save Your Long-Distance Relationship

   

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Sometimes the hardest thing about long-distance relationships is when the long-distance part is over. Here’s a letter from Sarah, who’s struggling with just that:

“Dear Rori, I am Sarah. I have this wonderful guy, we are engaged, almost getting married but things went wrong and now I don’t even know the status of my relationship.

Like many other relationships, he was very sweet, attentive, kind and sensitive. He was the ideal man to be with. I don’t even need to put in effort and he loves me totally. We started off as a long distance relationship. but we made plans to visit each other at least monthly or bimonthly.

Things were going great, until I came back. Then he started off wanting personal space, he started to pull away. Now I don’t understand and I keep wanting to go near. The more I want to go near, the more irritated he is.

I made mistakes – like keep calling him, keep wanting him to meet him. But he is resisting me.

I even became the “sweet” woman, totally sweet and nice and sensitive that he is so busy with his work. And I’m so afraid of making things worse that I agree and become the submissive girlfriend. The strain has been on for about a month or so and I’m very worried. We hardly meet now, he had  canceled our dates twice.

We hardly talk on the phone. I really love him a lot, and I don’t want to lose him. I really want things to improve. I really don’t know how can I go about doing this, but the first step I will take is to start loving myself and have trust in him. Thank you, Sarah.”

Here’s my answer:

Sarah, it’s great that you want to focus on Loving Yourself – that’s a crucial place to start.

And then – instead of worrying about or working toward Trusting HIM – practice trusting YOU.

To do this – I want to help you with your ability to Receive, and the Tool that will help you the most right now is to Date Yourself. 

And I’m asking you to flirt with men. Flirt with male friends, with male co-workers, with new men who approach you out in the world, and with your fiance. You have to start fresh – as if you’re dating.

Take YOURSELF out – to lectures, art galleries, concerts, jazz places, dinner, bookstores…wherever there are people who share your interests. Dress in a way that makes YOU feel good – sexy and like a “girl.” 

At the same time – and I know this is the hard part – Leave him completely alone!

This looks like: Do not call, do not go over to his home or his work, do not ask for anything. 

This is about you focusing completely on YOU, and then appreciating HIM when he does show up. When he moves towards you, starts initiating being together, and without any prompting by you gives you affection, attention and time, you have to be completely open, warm and authentically in your true feelings – whatever they are – even if they’re filled with anger, jealousy or fear. And here’s just a bit of “Why”:

The main problem with long-distance relationships is that those of us who are in them (you and he, here) are usually in them instead of in relationships with people we can see all the time, is BECAUSE of the distance. 

In other words, if we’re afraid of intimacy, in a deep, underground place inside (and we’re ALL afraid of intimacy) we need distance. 

And what happens with many, many long distance relationships is exactly what has happened with you – they fall apart the minute both of you are able to be together. Being able to be close physically (in the same town, in the same house) – makes the deep need for distance even stronger.

And intimacy is all about feelings.  Feeling them, experiencing them, and sharing them.

That’s why it’s so important to learn to stay in touch with your true feelings (not just the “nice” ones), and learn to share them with a man in words – so YOU feel authentically and exactly who you really are – and he experiences you as authentically who you really are.

Now here’s some Tools for the “How”:

In order to bring him closer, you must re-create the distance you once had – without playing games. 

You must move away from him energetically, physically, in every other way.  This is my “Leanback” Tool. 

And at the same time, every moment that he shows up and comes toward YOU – you must be WIDE OPEN to him – leaning back and totally receptive. 

If all you do is the “distance” part – the turning away from him and focusing on yourself part – you’ll end up being cold, and that will push him away. 

If you continue, as you are now – to be warm and loving and yet leaning FORWARD (moving toward him, thinking about him, calling him, initiating affection and sex) – ESPECIALLY in the moments when he’s moving toward YOU – THAT will push him away. 

It’s the combination of leaning back and still being open and receiving of whatever he gives you that will make all the difference here – and I know you can do it. 

Just practice out in the world like this:

1.   Imagine him coming toward you, giving you flowers, offering gifts and love.

2.   Now, imagine leaning back, opening your palms toward him, and receiving his gifts. Feel what that feels like for him to step close and for you to do nothing but receive. Resist your instincts to move toward him, give him your love, or say nice things to him. 

      Just imagine yourself melting and receiving.

3.   Now step away from him, and turn around.  Completely turn your body around 180 degrees.

4.   Now imagine that there are hundreds of men in front of you, all who want to give to you – love, gifts, everything you want – and imagine receiving their gifts, too. 

      Imagine what it feels like to get flowers, diamonds, love, attention, affection and everything else you want from ALL these men, including your man who’s giving to your BACK right now, because you’re turned away from him. 

5.   Take all the gifts, and then turn back to your man in your imagination, but take a full step back, away from him.  Smile, open your heart and imagine him coming toward you again.

6.   Then take his gifts and just stand there.  Be aware of the hundreds of men behind you, all wanting to give to you.

7.   The next time he calls, or you see him – practice doing this.  Imagine that he’s giving you gifts, even if he isn’t, and imagine that you’re receiving.

All the practicing you’ve done in your imagination will help you!

Let me know how this works for you.  The idea is to overcome your OWN fear of intimacy – your own fears about love and your own resistance to RECEIVING – so he can overcome his fears right along with you.

Love, Rori
 

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Thursday, 4 September 2008 @ 3:43pm

30 Comments to “How To Save Your Long-Distance Relationship”

  1. 1: sarahNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, thanks for your suggestion and aid.
    I realized that what went wrong is that im overfunctioning, im always the one who initiates, I was the one who gave him the opportunity to know that I m always that to a point that he doesn’t appreciate. I don’t know how this can be salvage but like what your tools suggest, to stop trying. If he is interested, he will call or contact me. the more I try to go near, I will get hurt even more.

    Monday, 8 September 2008 @ 8:52pm

  2. 2: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for your post, Sarah. You are so right, and I’m so glad you’re turning away from focusing on him, and want to encourage you to turn all your energy onto yourself. Make YOURSELF feel as good as you can feel. Do things that make you feel GOOD.

    You’ll be surprised how quickly your life can change once you start valuing your own time and energy and love – he’ll start to value you more, too.

    Tuesday, 9 September 2008 @ 5:42pm

  3. 3: GudrunNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori,
    Sarah’s story sounds exactly like mine. How I wish I would have known your tool a little earlier before I made the final call (5 weeks ago), letting my ‘boyfriend’ know that I can’t take it no more and asked him to set me free…

    Sunday, 14 September 2008 @ 7:46am

  4. 4: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Gudrun, Thank you so much for telling me your story. You are very brave, and I know that sharing your feelings with your boyfriend will help you Bridge to your Happy Ever After – whether it’s him who shows up ready to have a real relationship, or a brand new man who’s so much better.

    Remember this – please:

    You are ALWAYS free. Your heart is ALWAYS open. Make the conscious choice to take care of yourself and your heart – and to always make sure that you feel good and everything you want is in place before you agree to take on any man as an exclusive “boyfriend.” Love, Rori

    Monday, 15 September 2008 @ 12:28am

  5. 5: ChristineNo Gravatar says:

    So, what if you do the whole “lean back thing” and he comes towards you, my guy for example, made me dinner, romantic evening, candles (hasn’t done that in 2 years) told me he “missed me” because we hadn’t seen each other in a week (I’ve been busy with 2 jobs and school-all recent developments). Wonderful evening, I thought the old romantic guy was back. That morning we discussed what would be for dinner-we don’t live together so this meant we would be seeing each other. The next night, I called after work – he asked me to call him when I got off. He said he was thinking about making plans with friends to go out for a while until I came over later, my plan was to come over earlier. Why did he pull away within 12 hours of getting close?

    Tuesday, 16 September 2008 @ 8:17am

  6. 6: GudrunNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori, you put a big smile on my face. Your message is so encouraging. Currently I feel like a sponge, sucking all your tools in. It’s time to reinvent myself. Much Love, Gudrun

    Tuesday, 16 September 2008 @ 8:22am

  7. 7: Catherine SutterNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, as the other ladies her have posted I’m in the exact same position. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He persued me relentlesy right from the beginning, telling me he wanted to marry me and spend every night with me. I hardly did any work, but I kept my guard up to a point afraid to lose him if I let my guard down. When I did start to move closer to him he grew sullen, cold, and distant. What a shock when he said he needed to take time away from the relationship to get his life in order, and that he was depressed. I have mailed back his keys, wrote him a heartfelt emial, and have cut off all contact after that. It’s been a nightmare, even though it’s only been a few weeks it feels like an eternity. I am dating other guys as you have advised. What I’m curious to know is how to I lovingly accept text messages and emails which are the only things I occasionally get from him? Do I wait for a phone call or grand gesture?
    Thank you so much Rori

    Monday, 6 October 2008 @ 3:39pm

  8. 8: CatherineNo Gravatar says:

    Also I can’t seem to wrap my mind around how it’s possible for a man to love a woman, yet be so okay with not being in contact with her either verbally or in person/sexually…..Don’t they worry about us finding other men who will pay attention to us and possibly ruin all chances of a reconciliation???

    Wednesday, 8 October 2008 @ 4:28pm

  9. 9: GinggiNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rory,

    I do the lean back girlfriend..and he said he wants to have a serious relationship with me..we both planning to met on january 2010and planning to get married.
    But now we are not as close as before. He talk to me once a week and said that he was busy. I don’t know what to do now. I feel that our relationship is getting down to fall apart now..i need your help pls.

    Friday, 14 August 2009 @ 3:28am

  10. 10: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Rori…..
    I hope that your Thanksgiving was fabulous in every way! Mine was great. I went to stay with my best friend and her family and had a great time and Charles even called last Monday to ask me to spend it with him and his family…even after all that has transpired. Of course I was already out of town so I did not go. It felt good to have him invite me though. This felt like a HUGE step forward for me and that felt great. :-)

    My question about this post is this…..I am trying to circular date as much as I can – which is not very much – and I had met someone that I had been talking to and seeing when I went back to see my best friend and her family. This man is up there near where she lives. We have spent some great times together and really had fun. I tried so hard to lean back and just enjoy our time and I feel that I did ok with that. We had been talking alot for the past few weeks to the point that he would call me first thing in the morning, all throughout the day and ‘tuck me in’ over the phone each night. I saw him quite a bit over Thanksgiving and HE has been the one talking about more serious stuff for weeks now. I have NOT said anything about anything serious whatsoever. I have called him back when I miss a call but for the most part I have allowed HIM to call me. Ever since I got back home last night…I have not heard from him. I feel deeply confused and hurt by this and cannot understand what happened. I have not called him and do not intend to do so but I feel so hurt. I also feel really really angry that this is even happening after all that had gone on with Charles. I feel angry that I even put myself out there again. I feel angry that I allowed my emotions to even get involved. I want to call him and ask him what the heck happened but I am not going to do so as I know that this will push him away even more. I don’t know what I did wrong and I feel so angry and hurt by this. I feel angry that I care about him and I feel angry that I allowed him to become a part of my days. I feel angry that I even allowed him into my life in any way shape or form and I know that if he does call me I am NOT going to feel all warm and ready to receive anything from him….I am going to want to hit him over the head! LOL not really but I feel so angry but I know I will also feel happy to hear from him. Do I do a power speech of some sort? How in the world do I express how I feel without scaring him to kingdom come? Please help. Thanks Rori.

    With so much love…..
    Cassandra

    Monday, 30 November 2009 @ 3:08pm

  11. 11: SunnyNo Gravatar says:

    Catherine says:

    Also I can’t seem to wrap my mind around how it’s possible for a man to love a woman, yet be so okay with not being in contact with her either verbally or in person/sexually…..Don’t they worry about us finding other men who will pay attention to us and possibly ruin all chances of a reconciliation???

    Catherine I always wonder the same thing???????????????????
    Rori can you help us to understand this??

    Monday, 30 November 2009 @ 6:12pm

  12. 12: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sunny – Weird, but I don’t think it really much occurs to a man that we’d find another man. I think they’re shocked if a man shows interest and we seem open to it. Love, Rori

    Monday, 30 November 2009 @ 9:23pm

  13. 13: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra – we’ll help you chill – this is part of dating. Men go six fabulous dates and then you don’t hear from them. It’s completely “random” to us – but after awhile you start to see the patterns, and you feel less bad about it…you’ll get into the swing of this, really you will, and then YOU’LL be the one making decisions more of the time….you’ll see, it gets better. And then some of the old guys show up and it gets silly – it will make sense to you later, really it will. Love, Rori

    Monday, 30 November 2009 @ 10:03pm

  14. 14: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Rori…thank you so so much for your response. I felt really appreciative of that not to mention that I felt really encouraged. I had been feeling really awful about that situation and given the fact that I am ‘out of the loop’ on this dating stuff having allowed myself to stay stuck in that awful relationship with Charles, I feel kind of like a fish out of water here. I guess time will help? :-) In any case, I did finally hear from the gentleman that lives up near my best friend but it was not until really late last night, after he got off work. I can understand that he was busy at work but in the past, it was his pattern to call me and let me know that he was crazy busy but told me not to worry, that he would call me on his breaks….and he always did which made me feel like a priority and that felt wonderful. So him stepping totally out of that especially after having such a wonderful time over Thanksgiving really made me feel terrible…..as though something deep down had changed for him. I would feel totally and completely respectful of his feelings if that were the case. He did eventually call and his tone was as though nothing had even happened. I felt kind of shocked at that, but I also felt really really happy to hear from him. He asked me what was going on and if I had been sleeping. We basically chit chatted for a minute and then I let him know now I felt….here is a summary of what I had said…..

    Him: So what is going on? Were you sleeping?

    Me: NO, I was just laying here feeling relaxed. I feel happy to hear from you. Had a crazy busy day at work?

    Him: Yeah….it was pretty busy. What is going on with you?

    Me: Well I felt really happy that meeting went really awesome this morning but I also felt sad in that I really wanted to share that with you like we usually do. I have been feeling really awful today.

    Him: What’s the matter?

    Me: I have been feeling really concerned all day having not heard from you at all. We have gone from talking first thing in the morning – which I love and makes me feel really special, talking through out our days and then you tuck me in at night…. I feel so connected to you and that feels wonderful…. I love that kind of communication – to me not hearing from you at all. I feel disappointed and confused. You had said that you were going to call me before bed last night and I was waiting for your call and the same thing this morning and I felt so disappointed that I didn’t hear from you. Given the beautiful visits that we had this past week and the time that we spent together and how we usually do speak with one another throughout each day, I was feeling really really vulnerable and that felt really scary to me. It feels uncomfortable and unsteady to me and is bringing up all sorts of my ‘stuff’ and you add PMS to that (I was kind of laughing about the PMS part!) and WOW! I was just feeling really awful today. I missed hearing your voice and I felt curious about what had happened. I do feel really happy that you did call.

    Him: Babe, I can totally understand how you feel. I am really sorry, I never meant to make you feel that way and I truly am sorry.

    Me: I feel appreciative of your apology, thank you. I need to know though if you are still on the same page as you were before or if things are shifting for you. If your feelings are indeed changing I will respect that completely but I would feel sad about that.

    Him: No Sweetheart, everything is fine. I am still on the same page as I always have been.

    Me: The same page as me or the same page as you always have been? I feel embarrassed now because I have confused myself! (sort of laughing)

    HIm: The same page as both…..how you feel and the same page as I always have been. Everything is fine. Well I am about to get on the train, I will talk to you later.

    This was the end of that conversation. When we hung up the phone part of me felt really happy that I did hear from him, but I also felt really shaky and vulnerable and part of me was just plain pissed feeling like ‘who the heel do you think you are to blow me off this way and then waltz back around as though nothing even happened?”! Perhaps that was the PMS talking?? hee hee Usually when he gets on the train, he says something like ‘Sweetie, I am getting on the train, I will call you as soon as I get in the car or our of my shower or home’ ….something like that so for him to say I will talk to you later felt cold and distant and icky to me. Usually he always calls me first thing in the morning as well and of course I have not heard from him. This all feels so awful. I don’t want to feel this way or even be thinking about this kind of crap! I feel afraid that I won’t hear from him again today and that feels awful in itself. I don’t want to be a part of this kind of thing where it feels like it is a game to him. I feel like if a guy is truly interested then he would not disappear this way and then waltz back in as though he never disappeared. I realize that one day – in the bigger picture – is nothing but I felt so special when he used to call to let me know what was going on and if could not talk. I felt respected and special to him and now after yesterday and what I told him last night, I feel afraid that I REALLY pushed him away by even saying anything and THAT Feels horrible! I still feel really angry about things. We had made plans to spend New Year’s together and I feel as though that may be out the window now. I feel unsteady about this whole thing now when before, It really did feel good. I don’t like feeling like this and after the way he got off the phone last night which felt really distant and cold, I really feel doubt that I will even hear from him again and if I do that he will be saying……see you ’round, have a nice life. This totally feels awful and I don’t feel at all ready for this kind of crap!

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 6:12am

  15. 15: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling so angry and humiliated right now and am really struggling with this whole ‘being dumped’ without even a word ‘thing’. I really don’t get it. It was not even that we were really in a ‘relationship’ per se although he was calling consistently and his actions definitely said that we were together even though he never spoke that we were officially together SO…..in MY mind….we were NOT an official couple. It still hurts though to go from talking the way that we did to not hearing from him at all. I feel hurt and I feel so angry. I felt like I was doing so well and leaning back and allowing HIM to lead and I was following and loving every minute of it. I felt pursued and wanted and it was wonderful so what in the hell did I do to make him run for the hills? I truly am baffled and really really struggling with this. I get that men will disappear and then reappear but this was way more than 6 great dates. For pete’s sake! He even introduced me to his mother, his daughter and we had dinner on Friday night at his niece and nephew’s home so I met lots of the family. Why would you play games like this? I really really don’t get it and I feel totally thrown off track by this. I want to call him SO BADLY and ask him what happened….I am not going to do so but OMG! do I ever want to!

    Rori…..is it in the pattern that he would come back / call after a period of time? If so….how can he expect that things would be ‘normal’ and happy like they were? How can they disappear like this and then think that they can come running back when it is convenient for THEM and think that all is well with the world? What in the hell do I do if he does call again?? What do I say?? What do I do if he wants things to be like they were because in my mind…..he destroyed that. What in the world do I say to him if he does call and is it in YOUR experience that he will call?? Should I just expect to move on as though things are totally over for good? This does not work for me but I would love the opportunity to tell him that and ask him what happened. Please please help me with what to do and say as I feel that I am truly at a total loss here and really having a hard time with this. Thanks Rori.

    Sending you so much love…..
    XOXOo
    Cassandra

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 12:56pm

  16. 16: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    …plus….he told me last night that he was still on the same page that he was before. Why tell me that if he just doesn’t want to be in my life anymore….why not simply just be honest??

    Do I go with what he told me last night or with the fact that I have not heard from him since our conversation last night?? I feel proud of how I handled things last night though. That felt good and I think that I did a good job with the feeling messages. Could you also please let me know how I did on that? Thanks.

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 12:58pm

  17. 17: SunnyNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra mind if I ask you how long you have been dating this guy?

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 2:33pm

  18. 18: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    We have been talking mostly. We have only even seen one another 3 times when I had gone up to that area of the country a few weeks ago and then I was back up there over Thanksgiving and we spent quite a bit of time together. He even spent the holiday with me and my best friend and her family. He introduced me to his family the following night….Mom…daughter…niece & nephew etc. We started talking I guess in early Oct. Ever sine our very first conversation we would talk off and on through out the day so we had pretty much become part of each other’s days which I really enjoyed. I don’t consider that we were in a relationship as he never ASKED me to either be exclusive – which I would not have done anyway – or really even date regularly. We are in different cities. HE was talking about pretty serious stuff at different points but I never really addressed those things as I was not anywhere near being ready for that kind of talk so I let it go and did not address those things. My issue here is ME and where I went wrong not him. He is who he is but where on earth did I miss the ‘creep signs’!! LOL I don’t know…..perhaps he isn’t really even a creep but this kind of behavior does not seem ok to me at all and I certainly would NOT treat someone this way that I claimed to care about. I think too that I feel upset that I even allowed him into my life at all after all that I have been dealing with these past 2 years. My response to his request for communication was all about practicing Rori’s tools and then all of a sudden I found myself caring about the guy. I DON”T want to care about any man right now….period.

    Any ideas how or where I messed things up? I did not call him, I only returned his missed calls btw. I feel so frustrated at ME!

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 2:47pm

  19. 19: SunnyNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra:
    Okay so you spoke on the phone and had some great dates. Just to put things into perspective a bit I was pursued relentlessly by a man from a different state for a year. We saw each other on weekends, he wrote e-mails, text-ed, and called all the time. After 3 months he professed his love and intentions to marry me. Mind you I never chased after him, this was entirely him although I of course reciprocated back but never initiated. I met his son, his friends, and work friends, even went to a wedding with him early on, and we became a family and we were soulmates. He grew a bit distant and sullen about 11 and half months into our relationship after we both ran into his ex at a concert, she made an asshole of herself as she was drunk and threw herself at his feet right in front of me. He was embarrassed and apologized to me profusely, although I was bothered by it I shrugged it off because I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of looking insecure and because I really did feel secure of his love for me, he never gave me any reason to feel otherwise…EVER.
    Three weeks later he sent me an email saying he needed space, and was having coffee with her just to “give her closure”. I never saw him again, he never officially broke it off with me or even let his son know I was out of the picture. And yes he went back to his drunk dysfunctional ex.

    My point is men do things like that all the time, I wish I knew why, no one has ever been able to explain that to my satisfaction. I’m sure in hindsight I made my share of mistakes with him..Rori has helped me see some of them.

    Personally I would not have opened the flood gates with your guy as you did after only knowing him a short time, he may be feeling overwhelmed right now even though in your mind you weren’t that serious with him, he may think otherwise based on what you told him on the phone. I’m pretty sure Rori would disagree with me on that. I do think sharing how you feel is a great thing, but in my mind it has a time and place.

    I know you felt hurt and confused by his lack of calling but maybe he was just busy with work and you interpreted it as he was breaking it off with you.
    My honest advice is to chill out, when he does call be calm, casual, and happy to hear from him, if you were to get busy with friends, flirting with other men, and maybe even some coffee dates you will be in a state of mind to BE THAT, FEEL THAT casual when he calls so you won’t be faking it.

    I hope that helps in some way :)

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 3:26pm

  20. 20: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Sunny….thank you so much for sharing your story with me….I felt encouragement coming from you…..thank you for that. I feel angry that you went thru that but I am so glad that you are here and using Rori’s tools. That is awesome. I love it here! You said this…..

    “Personally I would not have opened the flood gates with your guy as you did after only knowing him a short time, he may be feeling overwhelmed right now even though in your mind you weren’t that serious with him, he may think otherwise based on what you told him on the phone. I’m pretty sure Rori would disagree with me on that. I do think sharing how you feel is a great thing, but in my mind it has a time and place.”

    I really don’t feel as though I opened any floodgates though. HE was the one calling and I would return his missed calls. HE was the one talking about all of that serious stuff and I did not address any of it let alone mention of that kind of stuff at all. I knew I was not ready for all of that. I really really tried to just be in the moment…staying aware of my own feelings at most given moments and tried to keep communications in the feelings messages and I do feel good about all of that. I do feel that I did that stuff mostly right and that feels good. If he is feeling overwhelmed I feel that – that is HIS issue as I really did try to lean waaaaaaaaay back and I do feel that I did a good job of it. It felt realy odd to me because I have always been ‘little miss overfunctioning’ so I was even more aware of what I was feeling and how I communicated that. I never even told him my direct feelings about HIM over the phone or even when we spent time together. I did say things like ‘this feels nice’ or ‘it feels good to be having dinner with you’ or ‘i feel happy to be here with you’……but even when I said those things they were few and far between and they were in response to something that he said to me…not just me openly saying ‘hey…I feel good being around you’. THIS is why I feel so blindsided by all of this. I really did do things so differently than I would have in the past and I really felt that things were going great…..he even said that he felt that things were wonderful and that he was thankful that I came into his life!

    I do totally feel as though he has broken things off with me without so much as a word and that feels awful…..I know you know how that feels and it does really hurt. I cannot understand how anyone could go from that kind of communication to nothing at all and think that things are ok?? I don’t comprehend that at all. I get that he may be busy at work but in the past….at least until yesterday he would have called me briefly to let me know he was really busy and could not talk too much and would have assured me that he would call on a break…..which he ALWAYS did. There were even several times where he had called to let me know he was super busy and could not talk but would for sure call me on his breaks but then I would hear from him again in 20 minutes!

    Sunny…..you said….’My honest advice is to chill out, when he does call be calm, casual, and happy to hear from him’…what makes you think he will call me?? Why do you think that he WILL call? I feel that I won’t hear from him again at all and if I do, I feel confused as to what I would even say at this point. I feel so blown off and ignored and hurt and humiliated….I am not even sure what I would say to him if he did call….which I don’t think that he will. After 2 days of not hearing from him except for when he called last night and I told him how I felt?? He has not made any effort whatsoever to contact me today at all so I feel curious what your thoughts are on this. Why do you feel that he WILL call. Reading what you said about that…. It felt as though YOU may feel that there is NO QUESTION that he WILL call eventually…..I want to feel that way too but I don’t Sunny…..why do you think that he WILL??

    If he does…..what in the world do I even say to him????!

    I DO however feel proud of how I communicated my feelings to him last night. I feel deeply proud of that as I really do feel that I did well in that and that feels like BIG growth for me….I totally sunk in to my own feelings….stayed authentic and soft on the outside and strong on the inside. I really do feel good about that! Rori…..did I do ok for real???

    After this whole thing…I really do feel terrified to go on any other dates with anyone…..period. I feel totally drained and emotionally exhausted….this all feels like waaaaay too much for me. Not only that but HE even mentioned that he did NOT see us as casual so that is yet another thing that I am totally confused about.

    I would love the opportunity to use the feeling messages to work through whatever this ‘thing’ is but I feel sad and hurt and angry and that I like won’t get that opportunity. He had even made plans for us to spend New Year’s together…..now what do I do?!

    Thanks Sunny for listening and for your input….I feel grateful for it and value it greatly.
    Sending hugs….
    Cassandra

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 4:52pm

  21. 21: SunnyNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra, I don’t know for sure he will call, BUT they usually do as long as you don’t give in to the temptation to call him and ask why he is being distant. If he is in fact breaking things off then you need to know it’s because he couldn’t handle someone so confident in her own feelings as you are. I know how good it feels to hear all kinds of nice things from men and how bad it feels when they act as if they never said them. I wish I had the answers to that. It seems to me that men fall in love easily but also fall out of love just as easily. It’s amazing how they can just turn off like a switch.

    I know you have no desire to even talk to men right now, but if you at least go out with friends or do things that make you feel good (hobbies, passions) so your not sitting home thinking about him till he does call…. you would be in a much better frame of mind. Take care of YOU right now..he certainly is taking care of himself..med don’t sit by the phone like women do.

    Keep us posted
    Hugs to you

    Tuesday, 1 December 2009 @ 11:07pm

  22. 22: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Good Morning Sunny and thank you again for your post and for your encouragement. I felt supported…thank you. I am trying to do exactly what you said in doing things that make me feel good but all of this is still sooooo on my mind. GRRR!! I do feel a bit better today so I guess that is a good thing.

    I have not called him. This is so hard to do but I have not called him. I do so hope that he calls even though he has pulled this crap and that is what it is….crap! I feel that this is a game to him and it feels awful. I am with you in that I really don’t get how a guy can come off SO STRONG and be in constant contact like that for that period of time and POOF! Disappear. It feels really game-like, cowardly, horrible and scary to me and it just plain sucks! If this is the way that he would break off whatever was on then he is not at all the kind of guy I would want in my life anyhow BUT I want to get the opportunity to TELL HIM THAT! IF he does call – which I seriously doubt especially at this point – I want to be ab;e to tell him using the feeling messages and all that I feel really uncomfortable with how these past few days have been handled communication wise and this is not something that is going to work for me. I don’t know…perhaps there is a logical and understandable reason that he has not called and I want to be able to give that benefit of the doubt but unless he or his daughter were hit my a meteor? This is not something that I feel is good for me but I want to be able to tell him that and practice the tools.

    I admit that I do care about him and really loved having him a part of my days like that but to have him do like you said a total flip of a switch like this has really felt hurtful and awful. I am going to work on a speech later on to say to him if and when he does call. Can I post if here and get your input? That would help me alot. jI don’t want to accidentally have anything in there whatsoever that could be telling him he is wrong….I want it to be all about how I have felt these past few days.

    I just really don’t get it….I feel totally blindsided. I did so great by NOT addressing the serious things he was talking about and really was doing great in leaning way back and this feels like it has totally taken me off track in a HUGE way. I am quite sure that I am nowhere on his thought radar at all….and that hurts….alot.

    I have some appointments today and then I am having lunch with a girlfriend so that will be good. I will keep you posted and Sunny, thanks again for your input! I feel really appreciative.

    Wednesday, 2 December 2009 @ 6:31am

  23. 23: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Just touching base and updating you on the situation here…..I still have not heard a peep from him. I have NOT called him and don’t intend to. I feel proud of the fact that I have not called but I feel so so deeply sad and I feel afraid that this is over. I was writing yesterday about how he made me feel….when we were together in person or talking, he made me feel like I princess. He made me feel like I could take on the world and succeed and even if I failed that I would still be so adored. I have NEVER ever felt that way before. He is so much different on the outside than anyone I have ever dated but for some reason – though he is not physically the type I would ‘normally’ go all gaga over – none of that even mattered to me because of how he made me feel. I feel scared that I will never have that again. I feel sad that he didn’t even respect me enough to tell me that his feelings had changed….and clearly they have. I feel totally blindsided by this….completely rejected and shot down and humiliated. It hurts and it sicks. I would not treat anyone this way so I am really having a hard time accepting that he could not even tell me that he no longer wanted me in his life. I feel ‘played’ and used. I feel so damn angry. I feel hate for men right now. I feel utter hatred for them. I feel so angry right now I want to throw something and break things but I think..,.not totally sure….that that anger is at ME and not him though HE was the one that has totally treated me terribly by not even communicating what was going on. He just simply bailed. I feel afraid that no one will want me even though my head knows that is not true. I feel sooooo not good at this whole damn dating thing and I truly do feel like crawling into a hole and staying there.

    I felt so proud of how I shared my feelings with him the other night…Monday night when he did call and I told him how I felt about things….now I feel that perhaps I DID do something to scare him and send him running for the hills. Rori….did I cause him to run? Did I do something wrong? I really though thhat I had done a great job in using the feeling messages without blaming him but perhaps that was all just in my head that I did a good job of it. Perhaps I really didn’t do them correctly and hence sent him really running for the hills. I wonder now If I didn’t screw things up. I hate feeling like this…I don’t want to feel like this. It feels awful and I don’t want to care about a man now or ever. I dson’t want to ever give a man anything that belongs to me…time….space…..energy….emotion….love….sex….NONE OF IT! I feel so damn defensive and angry right now I could scream!

    Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 4:53pm

  24. 24: Love FoolNo Gravatar says:

    Guys have commitment phobia. I have the same scenario in my long distance. He wants to be with me, then he doesn’t. Then oh wait.. he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to be with me again… Then oh wait, he doesn’t anymore, it’s a big mistake and he’s a jerk and he’s so sorry he messed me up. He will set me free cos he’s sh*t for me, and I can do much better. A month later, after I have met someone else and started dating…he tells me he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to be with me again…. Oh for pete’s sake. Why can’t he make up his mind. Why do I keep taking him back, I don’t know. I sure am the biggest fool of them all. So over this. Why can’t I meet a normal guy? Oh wait, I do, but I keep dumping them for him everytime he came calling. Yes, I broke a few hearts. I can’t help it. I think I’m addicted to this attraction to a commitment phobed? Perhaps I’m self-destructive. Perhaps I think I don’t deserve any better. But it’s like a drug addiction. I know he’s bad for me, but I’m addicted to this poor figment of a relationship.

    Sunday, 2 May 2010 @ 3:06am

  25. 25: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Love fool – Welcome, and you’ve got it. Addiction. You’re a junkie for this kind of man. The problem is YOUR fear of intimacy and commitment. Stop dumping the other men. Period. You can see this guy, too, if you want – but NO dumping the good guys…Love, Rori

    Sunday, 2 May 2010 @ 10:16pm

  26. 26: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with Rori, we expend far too much energy in trying to make relationships work that are not workable. It’s a senseless addiction and I have been there. Take care of yourself Love Fool and allow someone worthy to love you as you are deserving.

    Thursday, 27 May 2010 @ 4:30am

  27. 27: ChristinaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    So happy I came across your blog, your advice is the best I’ve ever heard, your wisdom and feedback is incredibly helpful & specific with action oriented steps to take! Thank you!
    I am currently in a long-distance relationship and relate so well to the ladies that have posted their stories here.
    I have been in this relationship for almost 5 months. We have told each other we love each other, last month for the first time. We see each other about 2 to 4 times a week, we live 75 miles apart. We both work full time, and I have 2 children, so makes it difficult to see each other frequently. I plan to move to his area within the next 2 to 3 months. I had plans to move that way before I met him, he knew this from our first date back in January, however I will admit, being with him definitely inspires me to sell my home, and relocate quicker.
    Your advice above is exactly what I need, I wish I knew it earlier, couple months ago, when I was allowing myself to be too loving, too much, asking for more, wanting to be with him all the time, expressing every little affection I felt. I would characterize myself with him like, “I’m sorry I’m just very affectionate, I’m very passionate, etc.” Long story, but, I do see that in the few arguements we’ve had, he’s thrown out comments like, “well even if we lived near each other, you know I I need my space and I can’t be with you all the time.” That hurt my feelings, not because I would want to be with him all the time, but that he would assume that I would be clingy. I don’t have time to be clingy! I am a single mom, I have a good, demanding job to maintain a living, I am strong, independent, but when it comes to my love life, I expect for my man to be what I need. I want to be what he needs, because I do love him, he is a very good man. We are so new, I know that I still need time to exprience life situations with him, and see if his committment level, his idea of a satisfying relationship, is enough for me. I do see he is intimidated by intimacy, he is hesitant on expressing he loves me (he responds to my, “baby I love you’s” always with, “I love you to baby”) but he’s only volunteered saying it from himself, spontaniously, twice. I don’t know. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, your withdrawing advice, your advice to DATE MYSELF (love that) is excellent. In my circle of friends, I’m usually the one giving the advice, but this advice, I’ve never heard it expressed so precise, so helpfully, gives me peace knowing that it’s ok to be scared, but the only way to face my fear of being hurt, is to maintaining that one constant…. loving myself, being okay with the idea of being single… and that there are a BUNCH of men, although not literally in line to make me happy, figuratively speaking… I know there are many men that would be honored to have a catch like me. In the meantime, I need to constantly remind myself that I am the bomb, and when I carry myself that way…. the right one… whether it be my boyfriend… or someone else, will gravitate to the confidence I exude.

    Lovingly, Christina =)

    Wednesday, 9 June 2010 @ 11:46am

  28. 28: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Christina, Welcome – and you ROCK!!! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 9 June 2010 @ 12:26pm

  29. 29: "Samantha"No Gravatar says:

    It’s interesting reading these posts. I am involved with a man who is very similar and I have acted much the same as well. We started out “HOT”. Now, he’s involved but he only can handle a friendship and cannot commit to more at this point and yet he will draw me in, wants me to share with him, but when i do it’s too much, blah blah… he relegated us from live talk to email only. He still makes comments that say he’s interested and yet nothing personal one on one and he talks with other women though how seriously, I have no idea. I’ve shared everything he needs to know to decide between something with me or not. My current decision is not to play this game any longer. I plan not to send any more emails. No phone call… then no talking. I realize this may end what little we do have left but you know, I’m a really great person at the core. Sure I have my faults, but not so much that someone can’t love me for who I am. If he doesn’t want me it’s time to move on I’d say. Thanks for the posts everyone. Don’t feel alone.

    Thursday, 5 August 2010 @ 6:49pm

  30. 30: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Samantha – good for you! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 5 August 2010 @ 8:39pm

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