Solving The Long-Distance Relationship Puzzle

Here’s a question – from “Alice” – to start this discussion:

“Dear Rori, Please tell me if your principles for successful relationships apply to long distance relationships. Thanks, Alice”

Okay – this is a big one.

How do you have a “relationship” with a man you only see every-once-in-awhile? How can you stay bonded to each other, keep him totally interested, and keep yourself from feeling jealous, insecure, worried, and lonely when most of your contact is by phone and email?

And the answer isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be, because, just like EVERY relationship, each long-distance relationship is different.

So, instead of trying to put all long-distance relationships into one basket, as though the quality of ‘long-distance” is what defines the relationship – let’s look at it differently.

Let’s look at YOUR relationship, which may happen to involve you seeing each other only twice a month, if that, and feeling the pressure during those moments together to have a “great” time, and dealing with all the logistics of traveling.

For starters, let’s look at the level of “commitment” in your relationship:

If you’re engaged, and trying to find a home in one of your cities or somewhere completely new – then you’re committed. That means you handle it EXACTLY the same way you would if he were here with you every single day and night.

If you’ve just met, or seen each other a few times and “clicked” – you may be tempted to see it as a “committed” relationship – even though it really isn’t. And so you may cut out your other options, go “exclusive” and otherwise bind yourself up with a man in an “Imaginary Relationship.”

I’ve seen long-distance relationships work out beautifully – when the focus is entirely on being together and the man takes real, concrete steps to either get you to his home, or come to yours, and it moves along quickly and gets to the wedding quickly.

And I’ve seen long-distance relationships drag a woman to desperation – where she gives up everything, moves to be with the man, and then the whole thing falls apart – leaving her jobless, friendless, and financially ruined.

So – let’s get some basics down here about how to do this when you have seemingly everything working against you:

1. My Tools around ATTRACTION (my Modern Siren program has a ton of Tools that will help you with this) are the bottom line here – he must FEEL attracted to you, even when he can’t feel you physically. Your voice has to do it for him, his memory of you, and the words you say in your emails and texts.

2. Long-distance relationships get bogged down in logistics – planning trips and visits, planning futures, planning everything – and this is totally NOT what you want to be doing with a man.

3. The times you actually get to spend with him physically, up-close and in-person, can start to feel urgent, intense – and yes, very romantic and passionate – in a way that pushes the relationship and your feelings faster than it really is going. In other words, the intimacy is being artificially produced by the difficulty of getting together – so that when you finally DO get together, to try the relationship out for real in his city or yours, it doesn’t measure up to the intensity of the few-and-far-between visits you once had.

And often, because his true feelings and readiness for a lifelong commitment have never been tested – you find out way too late that he’s not really ready, or even ABLE to do the job of a real relationship.

Let’s explore some ways to take care of yourself, and still move the relationship forward in the next posts…let me know with your comments here what your story is, what experiences you’re having, and how I can help.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Sunday, 24 August 2008 @ 3:39pm

Get More Free Relationship Advice!

Subscribe here to my free newsletter - You'll get so much more help (I go way more in-depth in the letters) to create powerful attraction and commitment with new Tools like Circular Dating and Feeling Messages.

100% confidential, unsubscribe anytime

1: Jessica says:

You’re right. i think that if the girl in the long distance relationship does like him more and is devising too many ways to see and be with the man then it most likely will fall apart. Because a man can totally back down and realize he’s not ready for such a relationship.
Sometimes the girl can agree in thought that this isn’t right but by heart she can count on that so desperate-like. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her, it’s just that it’s not right. So the girl should probably try (and i do mean try pretty hard) to think of him as just a friend and talk to him more like a guyfriend you’re not too interested in. Then in time maybe she’ll let this love ease until she can be with him on a more regular basis or see him as a friend one day in the future. then and hopefully then they can start all over again like couples should, as friends.

Sunday, 19 October 2008 @ 6:40pm

2: Rori Raye says:

Thank you, Jessica, look forward to more of your comments and advice…Rori

Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 12:24am

3: AJ says:

Hi Rori,

I am in a long distance…possibly “imaginary” relationship. We met 10 months ago and have seen each other twice. He texts me every day, although we don’t talk much over the phone due to our schedules and time difference. I have taken your advice and have been loving myself and keeping my options open with other men. However, I feel soooo STUCK! I really like this guy and want to be with him….but he has not made any initiation of the commitment talk and often refers to me as his “friend”. I want to just tell him….look buddy, don’t waste my time! Do you want to be with me or not? And I have hinted to that train of thought before but have not come right out and said it. I’ve heard him say that he wants to give me a great relationship and that because of the distance he feels like he can’t and it wouldn’t be fair. He said he thinks there is a huge significance to our relationship but he thinks it’s not the right time. I am beginning to feel like a fool for hanging in there for 10 months with no committment. He has hinted that he wants me to move or him to move as to be closer but hasn’t come right out and said it. My question is….should I move? How can I move with no engagement/commitment. BUT….how can I give a commitment when I don’t really know him well enough? When I’ve never seen him upclose and personal? Should I move on a trial basis and see how it goes? I’m just so confused and feeling like giving up….but somehow he got into my heart Don’t know what to do! Thank you for reading this and any response will surely help me.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 1:57pm

4: Janice says:

Rori-

I am the “other woman” of a long-distance relationship. I have been online friends with this man for two years. He has a girlfriend who lives many states away. He and I finally met in person a few days ago….and now he tells me he didn’t expect to be so attracted to me and want to see me more and get to know me more…. but he loves her also. From things he has told me about her I don’t feel he truelly loves her or has a future with her.

I want to date him and get to know him better…but i hate being “the other woman”. I have told him I will not force him to make a decision but that I will not be intimate with him as long as he is “committed” to her. I would like him to give me the opportunity to be his one and only.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009 @ 9:28am

5: Madeline says:

I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationhip was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in mines. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.

Saturday, 21 February 2009 @ 9:04pm

6: Aeva says:

I tried posting this question elsewhere but it’s getting lost in the shuffle of posts and no one seems to really know the answer. Can you help? I can post your answer in the blog where the women are talking about it. Here’s the question:

Is it okay to stop circular dating if wedding plans are being made or should a woman still circular date until she’s at the altar saying “I do”?

Also, how do you tell the other men that you’re finished dating them?

Saturday, 28 February 2009 @ 5:53am

7: Vonda Williams says:

Hi Rori,
I have been seeing the same man for 4 years-4 months. I have purchased your program-Have the Relationship you Want, and have been practicing speaking in terms of how I feel. My situation is, there is no commitment, although he says he can and will be faithful, which is a commitment of sorts. The first 31/2 years we were together, but for 8 of the last 12 months he has been working out of town (4.5hours away) on a temporary assignment. He is staying in a hotel and we see each other on average 2 weekends per month. He has a 25 year old daughter and 21 year old son. His son, sons girlfriend and two children, ages 2 and 8 months live with him.

Last year in March he thought he was going on an assignment that would take him out of the area and his business would purchase and sell his house for him. This would have been good because he would be able to sell the house and get the kids out in one fell swoop (running away from a bad situation that he doesn’t seem to be strong enough to deal with as he should). I stay out of that as much as possible. Since he thought he was leaving, he broke up with me and immediately started seeing another woman in the area where he was working. After a month he contacted me and asked me to give him some time because he was confused. I did, and we started seeing each other again late May. By the beginning of July he said that he knew that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said that he made a mistake and wanted us to be together.

He was supposed to come home March 20th for good, but was told this past week that he will be there until the position is filled permantly, which may take another 3 months. Meanwhile, I love him but find it so difficult to handle being alone so much. I try to fill my time with friends and my parents. I feel like it would be ok if he would put some effort into our relationship, but I feel like he makes an obligatory call once per evening and on Saturdays, during the day, and doesn’t call that evening because he goes out. I usually don’t hear from him until late afternoon on Sunday. I really don’t want to date anyone, although a lot of guys have expressed interest, and if I were to date other people, he can and will do the same. My friends tell me that I shouldn’t even go out with guys as friends (knowing that they really want more) because how would I feel if he did the same. It is difficult to use the tools that you speak about in your tapes because we very rarely see one another. I have decided (today) that I am not going to initiate communication with him, and am getting to the point where I don’t think I will answer his call when he does call me.

I’m so tired…..can you help?

Tuesday, 10 March 2009 @ 1:26pm

8: Vonda Williams says:

Rori,

I forgot to mention, I am a young 52, no children and a very good job. He is 44.

Vonda

Tuesday, 10 March 2009 @ 1:28pm

9: Rori Raye says:

Vonda, welcome – If you can keep seeing him every other weekend you should be okay. Get webcams.

You don’t have to actually “date” – but you have to talk to men and go out with your guy friends. You have to talk feelings with him and feel where he’s at. 3 months is doable as long as you can see him often enough to make plans…Good luck, Love, Rori

Tuesday, 10 March 2009 @ 1:43pm

10: LDR Girl says:

Hello Rori,

I’ve been reading your posts for a long time already. I especially enjoy learning from your Modern Siren program.

I am currently in a relationship (I think – Note in PS) and it’s a long-distance thing. We started out by texting each other. I got his number from his sister, whom I met a year ago through a pool party. They’re family friends with our family friend.

Anyway, so we’ve been texting each other for a year now. And we met for the first time last weekend. I went to his city, stayed in his apartment for 2 days and 2 nights. We had a wonderful time together. He cooked for me and really took care of me. All I did there was sleep, eat and watch movies – he promised to let me relax while I was there.

Now, the problem is, when I came home, he no longer texts me the way he used to. I don’t know if he’s just busy with work or he just doesn’t feel like connecting.

I have read all your posts about Long Distance Relationships and I have learned that the best thing that I should do is to LEAVE HIM ALONE. And I am.. I don’t text him anymore. I want him to text me first.

But I still want to know if I can do something to “change his mind” and be serious with me and the relationship. I really like this guy although he is 7 hours away. I hope and pray that this relationship will work but I am not keeping my expectations high.

P.S. We became “official” through a joke or something. We’ve been teasing each other about having a serious relationship. I asked him if he’s sure about it, and he said he is. So I said, OK. And that’s it. Then I decided to go over to his place to check if he’s really serious. He was so nice to me when I was there, but we never talked about our so-called relationship and plans about the future. Nothing. We just enjoyed each other’s company mostly watching movies, hugging…

I don’t really want to be desperate but if there’s a way to attract him, I might as well try it.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009 @ 6:19pm

11: Rori Raye says:

Dear LDR girl, Welcome, and – you’re not going to like my take on your situation. You are NOT in a relationship. The fact that after spending two days with you he’s become less attentive tells you he’s not only not “serious” – he likely is not all that “interested.” the most Siren thing you can do now is to – please, please please Circular Date. Please do not start considering yourself a “girlfriend.” Please open yourself to other men and let this man pursue you or not. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 20 May 2009 @ 11:11pm

12: LDR Girl says:

Dear Rori,

Thanks a lot Rori, for the advice. I am NOT in a relationship and he is NOT interested in me. I keep on telling myself that FACT, I am not communicating with him anymore. I’m trying to look for ways to enjoy myself with other people. I do hope I can circular date but I don’t know enough guys. I’ll try to go out more often from now on, though. But it still hurts and I wish he’d just be back in my life. But really, I know it would be best if I just forget about him.

As I’ve understood from your reply, there’s absolutely nothing I can do to attract him.. Sad.. So, I can’t text him ever? It’s been two days – no communication. I’m not initiating to save myself from rejection.

Thanks!!!! A lot.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009 @ 11:19pm

13: Ginggi says:

Dear Rory,

I am your fanatic follower of your awsomeness..ok..
I have been a friend with a guy ( he is in switzerland and i’m in Indonesia) who seems interested in me at first but then i found out that he was in a relationship with other woman from the same country as myself.
I was disapointed in him for awhile and decided to move on and not have any contact with him.
But suddenly he contacted me again, and since i thought of him as a friend, we get close again..but still in a friend area. Until once, he said..he wants to have a serious relationship with me. He told me he was breaking up with the girl. but he still contact her..

Deep down, I’m not sure if he really interested in me or into me seriously..but he said he wants to have family with me, go to see me in five more months and he plans to bring me and my son to his country.
He keep mentioning and trying to make me believe that what he said about getting serious is real.
right now, i still waiting for him to come as what he ever promised me..but the real problem was..that, he pulls away from me. he kept distance and we are not as much comunicating as used too.. he text me every one week..

I always remember your advise to “lean back” or stepping back..i never ask him to online, or to call, i just letting him do what he needs to do. But, i feel that this relationship is going fall apart and i’m scared.
So please Rory what is your suggestion for me. I know how to focus on me and keep dating other men. But i’m starting to lose faith..that he will leaving me soon.

thanks Rory

Wednesday, 12 August 2009 @ 8:57am

14: Surf Devi says:

Wow! I just found this website and it’s totally cool! I’m expecting my siren CD’s tomorrow and my Blueprint CD’s this Friday! Can’t wait.

Question regarding long distance dating: I met a man in June at a conference, visited him at his house in Atlanta (me in CA) (I initiated the trip after he was unable to come to me because of work… I see after reading Rori’s e-book that was probably a mistake-he needs to come to me, make it happen!). We met at a conference in Arizona 2 weeks ago. Slept in the same bed but no intercourse.

Now we are planning a trip to Hawaii for New Years. One date for a whole week! So much for keeping dates short!

I’m wondering if Rori has any advice on how to “be” in a situation like this. Even on the sleeping arrangements, etc!!! Reading Rori’s post above on long distance dating really opened my eyes to what I’m getting into here. I think this guy is super special (or I wouldn’t be doing this… ) and he thinks I am too. Now I see how I’m going to REALLY need to stick to the tools to make this work! I’m excited! Advice welcomed!!

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 9:38pm

15: Surf Devi says:

by the way… I was taking the lead in planning this trip. Masculine energy. And I was feeling a little resentful for having to do all the work. Until I read Rori. So I just stepped back. And he stepped up and is now doing all the planning. I didn’t even have to ask. And it feels soooo good!!!
Thanks Rori!

Monday, 12 October 2009 @ 9:41pm

16: Rori Raye says:

Brava Surf Devi! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 7:38pm

17: Rori Raye says:

Surf Devi – I’m not to fond of sleeping together even without sex…it gives the same degree of comfort to a man, almost, if that’s what he’s looking for. If you can handle sex with a man and not get all attached and STILL CIRCULAR DATE…then go ahead if you want to If you’re not sure…then do what feels best to you and just feel secure that it really doesn’t make all that difference. How you relate in the little moments, the Feeling Messages…the vulnerability and connection…that’s what counts. The “arrangements” are usually irrelevant…unless they jump-start discussions on a heart-to-heart level, with truth telling and intimacy – THEN…nearly EVERYTHINg can HELP YOU! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 13 October 2009 @ 7:41pm

18: Linda says:

Hi Rori,
I met a man on a Med Cruise in September and turns out we live a ferry ride away from one another in Canada. We spent every day together on the cruise, took day trips, had dinner and danced the nights away. Since we’ve been back I’ve seen him every weekend, either me at his home or him at mine. He calls me almost every day and we make advance plans to get together on weekends. Thanks for the tips on not talking about logistics. He’s buying a webcam and I’m training myself to speak in feeling mode. Things are moving forward. I feel really calm (not desperate) about it all, and thanks to your wonderful advice I am carrying on with my fabulous life while getting to know him. I know at some point we will have to make a decision about moving (he’s 56 and never married..I’m 54 and been married twice….grown kids and grandchildren). I’m concerned about your comments regarding long distance and being afraid to commit, and I wonder how to speak to him about that..especially since he has never married. He has had relationships in the past but never married or lived together. Should I be concerned about this? Everything seems to be so great and I don’t want to rock the boat but don’t want to end up heartbroken with a man that can’t commit.
Your thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks SO much for everything you do!
Hugs…Linda

Tuesday, 3 November 2009 @ 9:18pm

19: fed up with distance says:

Hi Rori!

I am new to this site, and your program, but I’ve been reading here for hours! I love your insights! I have an unusual circumstance that I need some help with, if you don’t mind…

My boyfriend and I have been webcamming nearly every day for 2+ years, sometimes 8 – 12 hours at a time!! There’s no doubt in my mind that he would rather spend time with me than any other person in his life. In the first year that we knew each other, he asked me twice to marry him, but both times seemed less like an actual proposal, and more like a suggestion (“You could always come here and marry me.” or “You know my offer is still good, you DO have other options!”, even so far as, “Bring your daughter and your cat and come marry me!” ) – but never going so far as to say, “Will you be mine and marry me?” I took his wording to be a fear of rejection, to have to ask me straight-forward about it. A protective-device, since I was still going through the end of a divorce at the time. Now however, I am not so sure…

This year, we both scrimped and saved so that I could visit him overseas and meet him for the first time in real life. It was 2 weeks of BLISS!! He took me to meet his family (even the extended family!), introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, was proud to have me hang out and get to know all his friends. He traipsed me all over his city, and showed me off to anyone that would hear it, lol. We were so happy, and so sure that we were “meant to be” that by the time I’d been home for a month, I already had another plane ticket to go back! Sounds great, right?

Ok, so I *did* go back, and this time, I moved in with him for 10 weeks over the summer. It was VERY hard! I was in culture shock, and didn’t know the language well (which is ok, between the two of us, because he speaks fluent English, but having to be a translator for me for 10 weeks certainly wore on his patience!!), and being without any friends/family on whom I could count started to take its toll on me.

After a while, I began clinging very tightly to him, both emotionally and physically! In fact, there were times I’d reach over and clutch his thigh while driving, or under the table at dinner, just because I felt so shaky and insecure!! I feel embarrassed by this, as I’m usually so calm, cool, and confident! I could tell he was less than pleased by his confident-girl having turned into a needy mess! I can’t blame him there, at all! I felt horribly about it, and in an attempt to try and reconnect with him on that deep level we’ve always had, I made many, many humiliating mistakes, by trying to entice him sexually and telling him how much I love him. Instead of pulling closer, he asked me for an open relationship (“Not like I’m going to go out having sex with anyone, but you never know what might happened between now and when we meet again…” – and what did I do? I AGREED so that he wouldn’t feel “suffocated” – ARGH HOW DO I UNDO THAT NOW?!). By the time I left, I felt he was relieved to have his house back to himself. I was in tears.

Now, I am home again. After 2 weeks or so, he began to talk about how much he missed having me there, how much he wanted to see me again, how he couldn’t wait to meet my daughter, etc. We began talking about my permanent move to live with him, and we were both excited! However, we realized that I needed to learn his language, and that we both needed some time to get things straightened out in our personal lives. Nonetheless, we moved forward with a time line, and I booked my first one-way ticket (with his prompting! “Yes! Come! I can’t wait to have you here with me again!!”). I started mailing him my belongings, spending $1000′s that I didn’t really have, and finalizing things here (gave notice at my job, sold my car, canceled my insurance, etc.).

Then, a month before the big day, he began to avoid me a bit. I know he’s an “avoider”, when there’s something unpleasant to deal with, so I didn’t think much of it, other than maybe he was nervous about everything. I gave him his space. A week later, he tells me, “I have some bad news: You can’t bring your cat. Landlord won’t allow another cat” – to which I reply, “Well, we can negotiate about that, lol, no worries” Next he says, “And, my friends are telling me that this is a bad road to take, that neither of us will be happy and we’ll both end up hating each other” – to which I reply, “How would they know anyway? They don’t know US, they don’t even know ME very well, and they’ve all got their own personal problems which makes me doubt their advice anyway”

His reply? “Well Mommy said she doesn’t want you coming here either” – his mother? What? Sure, he lives in a culture where the mother raises the son, puts him on a pedestal, and pretty much mothers him until she dies, no matter how old he is, but… He’s 31 for pete’s sake!! If he wants to marry me, he should be able to stand up and tell his mother so, whether she likes it or not! Right?

He pointed out that Mommy is indeed the Landlord (she owns the building he lives in), and threatened to throw him out if he had me move in with him. Ok, so… his plan? “Why don’t we wait a few months and see if she cools down?” – ummm NO! I can’t just wait around for months in MY LIFE while he sees if his mommy changes her mind. I have a life to live, and had a job ready to start there, which would have been a promotion in my field, giving me a pension, benefits, & making more money than I ever have! Now, I have no job, no car, no insurance, and I’m stuck here “waiting around’ to see if he’s going to MAN UP and go after what he wants – which I still feel is me.

I told him, “I think I shouldn’t come back, period, sweetie” and he panicked! “No! Why?! No, love, I just want to give her time to cool off, so you’re not in a hostile situation when you arrive here” – makes sense, but does NOT please me, as I’m sure you can tell.

I canceled my plane ticket (he wanted me to just change the dates – AND make it into a round trip ticket) and I could visibly see his heart sink when I told him no and canceled it completely. I know he loves me, but he’s just not getting it! I put A LOT on the line for him, and he’s asking me for more, by making me wait.

When I try to talk to him about “us”, he gets very stressed (which aggravates a medical condition he has) and then prefers to avoid me for a few days as a result. THEN he says, “Well I am too stressed to talk about this now, or I’m going to say something I’ll regret!” – which seems like a veiled threat of breaking up with me, if I try to talk to him about “us”.

Rori, I am so frustrated and scared now. In fact, I break into tears all the time! I have made HUGE life plans with this momma’s-boy, who I thought was ready to be a man and go after what HE wants. Now it seems, he’s cowering again behind Mommy’s apron. He NEVER did that while I was there! I think my support and “being on his side” gave him the confidence he needed to do/say what he truly felt in re: Mommy. Not only that, but I could FEEEEL that he loved being a man and taking care of me!

Now that he’s on his own again, however, it’s another story entirely. Mommy has even set him up with “Bride-dates” with family acquaintances to try and get him married off to someone rich and of their culture!! And he goes on these dates! (not that any of them interest him, but THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!) Why won’t he tell her NO and that he’s already found the woman he intends to marry? Better yet, why hasn’t he asked me again to marry him, with a ring and all?

How do I give him (or help him to find?) that FIRE inside again? The one that gave him the strength and desire to be a MAN and do/say what he felt?

Also, I think that I am failing to attract him now. He used to blow everyone off (even going in late to work!) to sit at the computer and cam with me for hours on end! He went so far as to get unlimited international calling so he could call me when I had to go away from the computer – even just to shower or make dinner!

Now, I might get a message from him once a day or even every other day, to “check in”. We still spend some days on cam for hours, but I feel like I’m just a sidekick now, while he works, because he doesn’t even look at the camera very often. It feels like it’s just “routine” – and BORING.

I miss “us”, and want so badly to re-kindle that passion that used to make him yell into the phone @ Mommy, “NOT NOW, MOTHER, I AM SPENDING TIME WITH MY GIRL!!” I want him to call me his soul-mate again, like he used to. I want him to make eyes and blow kisses into the camera like he used to. Or to call me on the phone when I’m not online, just because he couldn’t wait for me to get online!

This is the same man who 1 year ago randomly surprised me with a plush pony in my favorite color, just so I’d have something to remind me of him while I was on a 4 day business trip! Last month he forgot my birthday until the last minute and even then, failed to get me any sort of gift. He doesn’t think about me when we’re not online together, apparently. How do I make him think of me all day long, like he used to? (He once told me, in the early days of our relationship, that he was a fool for me, and spent nearly every moment of every day thinking of me, wondering what I was doing, and wishing we could be together).

Just a clarifying component: We have never had any sort of sex via webcam/emails/etc. When I stayed with him this summer, that was our first sexual encounter with one another, and although it went really slowly, it was fantastic! – at first. By the end of the summer he never seemed “in the mood.” When I asked him about it, he told me he was “bored to go have sex”. ??? What?! I had no idea how to respond, so I didn’t say anything, just walked into the bedroom and cried to myself.

I think he realizes I’m “the one” but, I also think he thinks he can keep me around as-is forever, waiting. I have ordered, and am waiting on delivery of “Reconnecting your Relationship”, but do you have any tips specific to my situation? I’ve really grown to hate webcamming lately, but it’s the only way we have to stay connected…

Thanks just for reading this and letting me get it all off my chest!

~Feeling Hopeless

PS. I’ve already started to date a little, but he has no idea, since he’s not even in this country! Should I tell him? I want him to know I’m not sitting around here waiting! I want him to know that this OPEN RELATIONSHIP he wanted works both ways!

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 1:45pm

20: Rori Raye says:

fedup with distance – so sorry for your situation…and –you’ve started on the right track, Circular Dating. You don’t have to tell him anything, because there is no exclusive contract here, far as I can tell. but if YOU think there is, then have the “no girlfriend” speech with him, so that you feel authentic. Don’t get into a discussion about it. Reconnect will help you tremendously. I can help you more once you’ve started working with the program…until it arrives and you start practicing the Tools – read everything you can here about Circular Dating…and let us know how that’s going. Love, Rori

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:54pm

21: Kris Palmer says:

Hi Rori,
I have the “Have the Relationship you want” and it has helped alot in my feelings regarding a long distance relationship.

I met him on online dating 4-1/2 yrs ago, and it has been a real roller coaster ride. He only made it to see me once, and he was not physically feeling well at the time, and it just fell apart. We do famously on the phone, but it is not what I want.

Each time we start to re-engage in the phone conversations (we “break up” regularly) he sets the intention to come down and even puts a date on it, but it doesn’t materialize. This last time, I waited a bit to see if he was going to make it happen, but could feel it was going the same way. I confronted him and said “when are you coming?”, he said “When do you want me”, and I said “next week” – which was the date he had mentioned several weeks before. He had some excuses that I did not speak to, but I did say “If for any reason you have changed your mind, I will not be upset or angry”. He said he needed to look at the flight schedules, and I have not heard from him since. This was 10 days before Christmas.

I sent him a Christmas card (actually was a card with a Florida scene, since I live in FL and he loves FL!) about a week later – I wrote “Merry Christmas” inside, put a little smiley face and signed my name. On the outside flap I wrote “Don’t worry, be happy” I did this to let him know that, in fact, I was OK with everything. And I am. It will probably take a lot of effort for him to contact me again as he knows that either he has to do it or forget it.

I feel he is a person with large intimacy problems, and although I might have attracted him for some of those same reasons within myself, I know that that is not what I want to feel and have.

I have been contacted by another guy who lives in TX. We have had only 2 phone conversations. I am very patiently letting him drive the boat. I will let him decide if we will meet.

I am dating several local men anyway, and, quite frankly, they seem to just come out of the woodwork with no or little effort on my part. I will mention that during those last phone conversations with the guy I mentioned in the beginning…I was dating 2 other men while talking to him, something that I had not done previously.

I am not having any problems with any of this – I would rather not take any action. Less work. I am not completely sure of how any of this will go, however, anything that is different than my behavior before seems to feel better.

I am also starting my own business and making lots of friends along the way. I inline skate, yoga, am on a weight lifting program, target shoot, and listen to lots of upligting audio programs while driving. I find that when men discover all my interests, that they are simply intrigued. They immediately start to compare what they do with what I do.
Kris

Saturday, 2 January 2010 @ 4:31pm

22: Rori Raye says:

Kris – You sound fantastic! You’re doing great – sounds like you’re using this Long-Distance thing (I know you know it’s an Imaginary Relationship…but it’s doing something good for you…) – to help keep you grounded no matter what happens in your every-day with real men you’re actually in the presence of. You go girl! Love, Rori

Saturday, 2 January 2010 @ 8:15pm

23: Brenda says:

I am a recording artist-singer/songwriter and I’m fairly well known in my genres so meeting men to date can be tricky if they are not in a similar business. About a month ago, I broke up with a man who was a motorcycle racer. I felt it might be a good match because of the nature of the racing business…part sport, part entertainment. While I was dating him I would talk to a music producer I started working with who lives in NYC and I lived in SF Bay area. I knew he had a crush on me but I would talk to him about the motorcycle guy like he was one of my girlfriends and I think he used reverse psychology on me because I ended up talking myself into breaking up with the motorcycle guy and as soon as I did he pounced and told me he loved me. We have never met in person. Well, right after that I went through some very hard times, I suddenly became homeless, was couch surfing, was broke and started drinking A LOT. I snapped out of it after a couple of weeks and went to live with my parents in the NW.

He supported me through the whole thing, told me he was there for me day or night and he would never tell a soul what I was going through (i called him extremely intoxicated a few times).

2 days before I left CA he called me and I told him I was leaving to go live with my parents and he told me how proud he was of me and how much he learned about how far he would go for someone he loved. he even called my SF producer who is one of my best friends and they swore each other to secrecy while they tried to figure out a way to get through to me. He told me all this while I was on my cell phone sitting in a coffee shop in downtown San Rafael, CA (Aroma’s) and I went to the back and sat on the couch and had my first experience of “melting” in the presence of a man (even tho it was over the phone). He told me how much he loved me (working on music, especially the kind we do, very romantic and spiritual, is very bonding…I have a special bond with everyone I work with gay, straight, male, female) and that he was going to fly out to the NW to see me as soon as he could. so, after i got here we resumed working on music and he also called to tell me exactly the time frame he is shooting to be here. at this point now, I’m falling hard for this guy…but I told him, not to expect sex on his visit…he is very well known for his womanizing…and he told me that he was not at all implying sex and that “we” need some private time to be together, he can have sex with pretty much anyone he wants, as well as I can, and he wants my “breath” and my “presence.” and he wants to meet my parents.

so, we are not asking each other to stop seeing other people or anything like that and I’m so pleased at how he responded about the sex thing…I have never experienced anyone like him. as for me, I’m a very young 42 (he’s 38) and I look and feel more like 30…and I’m ready for marriage. I’m dating other guys and I am not going to have sex with any of them. I’m not jealous of the women he is still getting together with because he’s just seeing them for sex and they throw themselves at him so…

in my heart, I know he is the kind of man I want as a husband but I’m not going to rush into anything, either. my hormones are RAGING to nest and bond but waiting for a commitment feels delicious…and taking it slow and enjoying this process it what he wants, too. i’m not even going to sleep in the same bed with him…I know that I will start bonding and I’m going to explain that to him because it’s true and I feel so protective of myself and my state *and* the relationship.

so, I’m going to devour that e-book because I’ve never cared about a relationship lasting and getting to marriage – ever in my whole life before. i’m going to keep my eye on this long-distance blog!

thanks,

brenda

Monday, 11 January 2010 @ 4:57pm

24: Rori Raye says:

Brenda, Welcome, and thank you for your great story…I look forward to hearing how this goes for you! Love, Rori

Tuesday, 12 January 2010 @ 10:55pm

25: Brenda says:

Well…he hadn’t contacted me for a few days and now I am completely confident in my feminine power…my intuition is ALIVE. I knew…he is going through something…he was supposed to send me some music that we are releasing on a major record label in UK and hasn’t…not like him. So, I just chilled out *knowing* that when he started to miss me he would contact me. Kept focus on my work and I post the latest on the projects I’m working on on Facebook for my fans and friends so he knows what I’m up to, and I am up to some really cool stuff. I saw that he had posted on his Facebook page (through the News Feed) that he had gotten some really bad news and was feeling extremely angry…of course, all his groupies posting condolences and some even begging to “help him feel better” and my intuition kicked in again and said to me, “this is an appropriate time to leave him a comment.” When I was going through the tail end of my hard times he wrote me and said, “this too shall pass…” and so, I posted on his page, “remember what you told me, this too shall pass.” a few hours later he sent me an email and it said, “I wanna tell you I love you so much and wish you were in my arms everynite woman…” Of course, I freaked out with joy…I’m still going on dates (i have one tomorrow night) and I’m staying open and single…may the best man win…boy, this sure is fun oh, he told me on the phone last week that he was done with all the women…and he publicly has been making this known to his fan base (without mentioning me of course). And, if the women he’s been sleeping with freak out when he says no more messing around with him (and a few have) he talks about it on his page…I really feel for those women. I hope to be a subtle influence on the groupies that hound his page should things turn out to turn long term for us.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010 @ 10:37pm

26: Pooja says:

Hi Rori-

Okay, I really need some help here. If you can provide some insight into this strange situation I would immensely appreciate it.

I had met this guy on a matrimonial site (we’re Indian so it’s a matrimonial site instead of dating site) about a year ago but the timing just wasn’t right so we were kind of friends just talking once in a while.. nothing that serious. We lost touch in the middle and he was with someone else for a while and then she broke his heart. We started talking again through text in October and then started talking on phone in December. We had really long phone conversations and we just really hit it off. He would text me throughout the day and even sent me a daily poem which he made up just for me! He’s in NY and I’m in CA so the distance is a problem… he was always telling me to come there and I told him to come here. We were hoping things would work out so we would get married eventually. Even though we hadn’t met face to face, we liked each other that much. He was calling me sweetie, honey, etc too.

Anyways, in February he booked tickets to come meet me. We just met last weekend and had an awesome time. He came with friends but we also had some alone time. We didn’t plan on it but ended up kissing also. However, the day after that, he said he was very confused about everything because of the distance, he feels has to get a better job before getting married, and he can’t get married until his elder sister gets married (it’s a thing in our culture). I told him its okay and i understand.. moreover I also told him i am not objected to moving there and he said that’s good. He still would hug me and kiss me, etc but I could tell he was preoccupied. When he left for NY again things seemed fairly positive.

However, it’s now a week later and he’s just acting so different. He still texts me few times a day (normal) but he doesn’t say a lot and hasn’t sent me poems or joked around much or called me sweetie, honey etc like he used to. It just seems like something shifted after we met… I read tarot cards and it indicates he is telling the truth about being preoccupied with these worries, etc and he needs to set priorities (he also mentioned this in a facebook status). He just seems very confused… Also, when he came back he got more responsibilities at work so he’s very busy too. I haven’t talked to him on the phone since he returned but the work thing could be the reason.. I am not sure.

I just don’t know what to do. I am trying to lean back as much as possible but it’s so difficult when this thing is eating me up inside! I even asked him today if everything is okay cuz he seems different and he said he just has so much on his plate right now with work. So I said okay and left it at that… I’m not sure what else, if anything, I should ask him.

I just want to know if I am proceeding correctly in this and if there is anything I can do or say to find out what’s going on for sure. I mean, Tarot does offer a lot of insight and help into the situation and has been accurate so far but I still want to hear it from him and actually have a REAL conversation about it. It bugs me that i haven’t been able to talk to him about it… is this forbidden or should I call him and ask him what’s going on?

Any advice for me?? I really want to get to the bottom of this… I don’t want the momentum to drop and would love to go meet him again soon. I just need to know if I should do that at all… and I feel like I won’t know until I talk to him. Until then it’s gonna eat away at me.

Please help, Rori! I like this guy so much and I know he likes me too… I just am not sure how to handle this situation with all the confusion, etc. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!!!

*Pooja*

Tuesday, 6 April 2010 @ 7:24pm

27: Dutch girl says:

I have been in a relationship for almost two years, of which the past 8 months have been long-distance. My boyfriend and I will graduate this Summer and we’ll start looking for jobs. My job opportunities are best in the city I currently live in, so career-wise I would prefer to stay here.

My boyfriend however, is reluctant to move to or look for jobs in the city where I live. He says that he wouldn’t feel comfortable there and he doesn’t want to leave all his friends behind (he also still lives with his parents).

We have a wonderful relationship and he loves me very much, but I would like to know how I could ‘speed up’ the process of him stepping up so we can live closer together and move our relationship forward.

It would be great if you could give me some suggestions!

Monday, 26 April 2010 @ 8:53am

28: Rori Raye says:

Dutch Girl, Welcome – and this is a powerfully important negotiation. I’m sorry to say, but if you want a relationship with this man, in terms of logistics – where you live, that sort of thing…you’ll have to follow his lead. I hope you can negotiate in good faith some kind of compromise city that will be an adventure for both of you. Making him come to you is not something you can control right now – because he’s already said no. Think outside the box….Love, Rori

Monday, 26 April 2010 @ 12:47pm

29: Kris Palmer says:

My long distance guy (Ken) and I are communicating regularly once again. And now I have a question that I might be making more of it than I need to – trying to see the situation from a bird’s eye view is not always easy.

There was a 2-1/2 period that he and I did not communicate at all. During that time through some activities I became involved in where I live, I met several ladies who live about 20 miles from Ken. I have never mentioned this to him simply because I could not see any reason to.

Both of these ladies have invited me to visit, and I have taken them up on the offer. I am going up to visit from Jun2 -9.

I have thought of telling him that I would be up there, and actually would like to. However, I am not sure how to broach the subject – he might very well wonder why I never mentioned them before – since Ken and have been talking on and off since last Nov.

I could just be honest and tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable telling him. I have felt for some time that he is uncomfortable about getting together in person again, but who knows? I have just mostly accepted the relationship as it is and treat it like “phone buddies”.

I sometimes just say to myself – well, if he were a girlfriend I would just mention it and not think twice about at what point I might tell her. This relationship with Ken has not been a boyfriend-girlfriend and certainly not a dating one – but “phone buddies”. In my thoughts I would wish it were more, but the reality is….

So, my question is – how do I tell him? I would love to see him, of course, but would leave that up to him to decide once he knows.

Kris

Monday, 26 April 2010 @ 1:30pm

30: Jen says:

I have an unusual situation that I hope you can help with. I met a great guy! We had only been out a few times when he found out he was being sent to China (he’s a consultant) for a 9-12 mo. project – in a few days!! We went to dinner the night before he left and it was very nice. We’ve emailed and texed since he’s been there – all on his inititative. He even called me once. He’s been gone a month now and I’m feeling sad because things aren’t moving along more quickly. I’d like to see us email or call more often but I don’t know how or if I should say anything. The last I heard from him was 5 days ago and I’m frustrated. I know there is a huge time difference (12 hrs) but I would like to see us talk on a more consistent pace. Should I go there? If so, what should I say? Or should I just let him do what he can do and accept what he gives. I am dating others here in the states, by the way. The other thing is he is VERY shy at times and out of practice. I think he’s been so dedicated to work that he’s a bit awkward on what to do. The other thing is…I rejected him on our first date….we didn’t have our second date until months later, after we ran into each other and I suddenly saw him in a much different way. He mentioned me giving him the “Heisman” a few times during the second go around. So, I’m not sure if perhaps he’s thinking I don’t want to pursue this as an option.
Help!!

Friday, 2 July 2010 @ 9:24am

Have The Relationship You Want