Stay Out of the Long Distance Relationship Trap

   

Long distance is too hard. I don’t wish that for any of you.  If you’ve married a career armed forces man – you will always be far away from him at one time or another.  If you’ve married a pilot, you will miss him much of the time.

If you’ve made the decision to marry a man where long-distance is built into the relationship – I so wish you luck and love – and I’m grateful to you for being a woman who can handle that, because we need our pilots and our servicemen.

I’ll help you make the best of that situation as you write to me…

BUT – if you’re making a decision just now about whether or not to become “the girl back home,” or the “girl who lives just over a state,” I beg you to reconsider.

This is not an easy life to choose.  And even if you feel it’s just temporary – perhaps you met him online and you’re trying to figure out how to see each other enough to create a serious relationship, or he had to find work in another city or state – the difficulty of maintaining such a thing is very, very challenging.

Here’s a letter from Kerri, who’s in the middle of trying to decide what to do:

“Rori, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. Over the last 4 months, he started withdrawing, so I have leaned back, stayed confident, let go of control of the relationship oars, stopped being the first to text, call, email, etc, started focusing more on me, always extra happy when he called….etc… He stopped withdrawing and seemed to be happy with where things were — the ball in his court. Then, seven weeks ago, he was called up and deployed within a two-week time span… I continued to do all your steps.

We talk most of the time once a day, sometimes twice. However, a few weeks ago, I found out that he was on adult chat sites. I did the “I feel…I don’t want…what do you think” speech, but my trust was broken. He apologized for an hour, swearing he would never do it again and actually knew in his heart that what he had been doing was wrong and felt horrible..blah blah blah. He is going to be back for a four day leave in two weeks and will be spending the entire time with me, my kids and his son.

I so desperately want to forgive him and start to trust him again, but how can trust be built and a relationship progress across the miles? I want to wait for him to be with him when he is done with his year tour, but I want to know that I have something to wait for and not just continue with this holding pattern that I am in. I have gone through so many drafts in my head where I want to tell him how I feel and what I don’t want, but they all seem like an ultimatum.

I am feeling so lost and anxious and I don’t want to be someone’s lifeline to the states while they are gone just to have it blow up in my face when they return. Rori – any advice you could give here would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time. I hope this was not too lengthy. Kerri”

Here’s my answer:

Kerri – my take on all this is that it’s INSANE to stay EXCLUSIVELY involved with a man long distance when you aren’t married, or at least engaged to him.

“Boyfriend” just doesn’t cut it.

There’s no way you can’t go nuts waiting around. If you give him the “No Boyfriend” speech – he might step up and try to give you a ring, just to keep you hanging on …the only way that can work is with a wedding date…and even then, I’d be wary.

Circular Date. That’s your ticket.

The military is not like normal life.  Your man is in Iraq, surrounded by unrest, danger, gunfire, bombs, anger and fear. What a man does to stay sane in this environment is not necessarily what he would do to relieve stress at home.

Some men, so the movies tell us, do best thinking about the “one girl back home” who loves him, who he loves, and who he hopes is waiting for him.

Some men, so reality today tells us, do best looking at porn, flirting in real life, and chatting online. It’s hard to know whether your man would bring these coping skills home with him, or if he brought those to Iraq to begin with.

Some men do best with a combination of these two – assuming (or hoping) that the “girl back home” will either not find out about the other stuff he does to stay sane and even, or “understand” about it.

And some women DO “understand” – for real.  They take this kind of thing in stride, and then expect different behavior when their man is home. But most of us just aren’t wired for it – we only PRETEND to “understand,” and so we dump ourselves and our needs somewhere at his feet and hope it’ll all go away.

Only our pretending only hides our distress and anger for a little while, and before we know it, we’re damaging the relationship with all our unexpressed feelings.

If your man is military by profession – this is what you have to look forward to.  Separations, with all kinds of stress-relief and icky behavior patterns taking over when you’re apart, and perhaps leaking over into your life when he’s at home.

If, on the other hand,  he’s returning to civilian life soon, that’s when you’ll know what you’ve got here.  You also may be handed a man battling Post Traumatic Stress.   A man who’s seen things he didn’t need to see, who comes back more shut down than when he left, and with more difficult to handle coping mechanisms and less ability to be emotionally open.

Or, you may be handed a man who grew up while in service to our country.  He may have developed leadership skills, may feel more confident, may feel good about himself, may be actually more mature and trustworthy.  He may be a better man for you.

Either way…being the woman who waits at home is not a role I’d like you to play.  You cannot wait without a wedding date – even in the movies long ago they knew that.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you’ll sort out all these ideas for yourself and decide what YOU want to do. Whatever you do…please don’t put your life on hold.  Your waiting can be an “imagined” life raft for him, along with other habits, events and things he does and experiences where he is – but you cannot be a life raft for a man until you ARE a life raft – for YOU.

It takes a lot of life, a lot of air, a lot of love to fill up a life raft.  Focus on making your own self and your own life such a big, full, beautiful life raft for you to float through life on.  Keep floating, and see what he does.

Love, Rori

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Sunday, 24 January 2010 @ 5:15pm

48 Comments to “Stay Out of the Long Distance Relationship Trap”

  1. 1: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I feel so thankful to see you responding like this. Another blogger recently responded about the same thing but she recommended the girl hold off on having “the talk” until after his tour! WHAT??? I know we’re all suppose to be supportive of our military (and I am) but we’re suppose to wait for a guy when you aren’t even engaged/married? NOOO! That feels awful when the guy is in the same town, let alone far away, doing something HE decided to do.

    Sunday, 24 January 2010 @ 7:57pm

  2. 2: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I’d like to start out by saying, I have been using Rori’s tools since mid October. I truly feel she has changed my life! :)

    After reading this blog I felt concerned. I live in a very small town in northern Alberta, Canada. My options for dating single men, in town, are very rare. I choose to on-line date. I’ve met some great men, and am currently dating one who lives 3.5 hours away. Does anyone feel I’m wasting my time? Should I re-think long distance dating?????

    Thanks :)

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 8:50am

  3. 3: AldonzaNo Gravatar says:

    My opinion is that it’s one thing if you find yourself in a relationship that becomes long-distance, but why would anyone *ever* choose that? If you’re doing online dating, simply do not respond to people outside of a reasonable distance range. Even to just chat. People outside of your range take time and energy away from finding someone closer to you. And why would you even bother with chatting if your goal is to find someone to *date*?

    Perhaps you’re not seeing the good men who are local because you’re too busy looking at men far away.

    Dating military guys who are subject to deployment is a gray area for me. There’s a reason those guys have higher divorce rates and that women stay away. I’ve done it and I’ve regretted it. My guy used the military as a way to keep women on a string with no commitment. You know, patriotic fever and all, how dare I be anything other than supportive and unquestioning to one of our guys in uniform? Pfeh. Supporting the troops doesn’t have to mean putting your life on hold for someone.

    As far as men away and coping, I put porn and “passive” entertainment in a different category from chatting and online sex sites. But that’s just me. Some might chose to view chatting as entertainment, but I feel that it involves another human and is a form of cheating.

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 10:24am

  4. 4: Vicki KernsNo Gravatar says:

    In some of the things about my “ex-friend” I know he’s had some long distance relationships. In fact, the girl he’s interested in now (or whatever it is he allows himself to feel) is located in another. In fact, he met this gal through another ex-girlfriend from the same state. Go figure.

    Anyway, this guy is very “commitment-phobic” by his own admission, so what better way for him to feel “safe” that by being involved in a long distance relationship. I think that’s a big safety net for guys who are scared of relationships. As for being the woman involved in one of these types of relationships, I concur with Rori – avoid them like the plague. Good luck to you.

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 11:41am

  5. 5: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for your opinion!

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 12:47pm

  6. 6: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!!!

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 12:48pm

  7. 7: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Carla – there comes a time when we all have to re-examine our priorities. When having a relationship becomes number one in the queue – we have to do all kinds of things. One of those things might mean moving to a bigger town, where at least there are more men. If you date a man who lives far away – you’re likely going to have to move there anyway to be with him. I know this sounds harsh, and I have many clients in this exact same situation. On the other hand, there may be a good man in town you don’t know about – so make sure everyone knows you’re single and available and DATING. Love, Rori

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 12:49pm

  8. 8: CarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I completely agree with what you are saying, and feel so flattered that you responded! Wow!!!

    Carla :)

    Monday, 25 January 2010 @ 12:53pm

  9. 9: Tweets that mention Stay Out of the Long Distance Relationship Trap -- Topsy.com says:

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    Tuesday, 26 January 2010 @ 3:03am

  10. 10: MelissaNo Gravatar says:

    Well the man I have been seeing for almost 2 years now will be moving (its only 20 minutes away) to be in another county for his job. I also used to live there but my issue is that we are very unstable and have been, already told him that he could date me but we would not be exclusive and then set out dating other men. I know that I love him and have been through alot with him, he is coming around but I am worried whether I should continue this or not.

    Tuesday, 26 January 2010 @ 10:37am

  11. 11: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Melissa – After 2 years, if you are “unstable” – either it’s not meant to work, it’s not going to work – or it could work if you made some changes. I don’t know why the relationship hasn’t worked up to now – perhaps you could give us some details? In any case – you can do exactly what you say – Circular Date, and include him in the mix. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 26 January 2010 @ 12:14pm

  12. 12: savannahNo Gravatar says:

    HELP-So I know this is crazy..but would love your feelings and experience on twin souls/twin flames/divine counterparts>.. and its long distance right now. So we have been apart 20+ years, and we were in love when we both first met-love at first sight. Its acknowledged and definitely “real” BUT here is the big but, he is married, she tricked him into marrying her by getting pregnant “accidentally” and this was 10 years ago.They have been together a very long time…..So he is planning on leaving, I have laid the ground work for it does not feel right for me to be involved at any level with him except we talk at least an hour a day-to reconnect and get to know each other , but he said he is leaving and needs time to be on his own before we are together, which is what I want him to do as well…so I have begun to get comfortable with dating here in my local area, not having sex yet, but it feels so hard, when we both think and feel and know we are twin souls…its like passing the time until we can be together..very hard…He says he wants to live here or have me live there….but it may take a year or more?
    Any advice? words of wisdom? Rori’s cds are saving me right now…and its just an emotional rolllercoaster- the most love and chemistry I have ever felt and so much healing and feelings of fear..I am hoping that will get curbed by the circular dating, but its never been my style. i am trying baby steps and nothing to shock my system, although he being back and the strongest feelings of love I have ever felt have been a major shock and opening of my heart like I never thought possible…

    Tuesday, 26 January 2010 @ 10:00pm

  13. 13: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Savannah, Welcome, and I know personally, and I know that so many of us do – what this all-enveloping feeling of “love-that’s-meant-to-be” feels like, and how it can take over your life. It feels like this is what life is all about – it’s all there is. And here I am bursting that glory bubble and calling in what IS. And what is is that he is married. And you talk with him an hour a day by phone. He is “planning” on leaving, but he is still there. I have known women who successfully waited out a divorce and happily married the man, so I won’t say this won’t happen. And I know many women whose long lost loves have come again and made them happy. But right now, he is NOT HERE WITH YOU. In this sense, he is not real. He is not yours. We will all help you to focus on yourself, so keep Circular Dating and practicing Tools that focus you on you… Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 January 2010 @ 11:29am

  14. 14: MSNo Gravatar says:

    There is a guy who was originally friends with me saying he needed a Mom, and then went and dated my underage daughter, quite the charmer. now shes older, but shes allways getting sick after there dates and i found out his Dr. has diagnosed an infection and hes simply desided not to take the medicine. My daughter is a singer and she frequently gets sick and can’t sing at times and my feeling is she is picking this up from him and usually i have high medical and the worst watching her be ill. He remains utreated and I fear hes waiting for me to tell him to stop seeing her so I would bethe one to break her heart. She lately frequently gets angry at me around the time she sees him and seems pitte agaisnst me. We were supossed to go on vacation but she wants to continue to see him, thus another round of medicine for her. What do i do?

    Saturday, 30 January 2010 @ 12:56pm

  15. 15: KrisNo Gravatar says:

    I was contacted by a man on Match.com who lives in another state. He has made reservations (and he sent me a copy from the airline so he has done it), and will be here this next weekend – Feb 5-8. Over the past week in our communications I have felt/seen some changes in his behavior, i.e. not calling as often primarily. Also he removed himself this past week from Match.com. He would call usually as often as twice a day for 2-3 weeks, but now there has been a day or two that he has not called at all. Within and of itself it doesn’t have to mean anything at all to me – but I have noticed the change regardless. He seems to be still OK with coming here, so I am just going with the flow. I have wondered if he might have met another and is splitting his time.

    I would say that I believe he is who he says he is. I have met many men on date sights and my own experience is that all of them have been honest to date. I seem to have the ability to pick men of good character and integrity even on date sights. Having these experiences have resulted in my honing on those “things” that I want in a man/relationship.

    However, he said something to me this past week on the phone “When I come (to visit) will you let me come back, or will you keep me”. This threw me off for a second – I actually laughed and said “I didn’t realize I would have a choice”, and then I said (with a little coyness) “I guess I will have see after you get here”. His comment was so bizarre – it was a window into this man that was far removed from his usual demeanor to date.

    I am still on Match.com and am still contacting men and actually have 2 who are “active”, although neither of them are “the man”. I am very excited about meeting the this new one and just know that he will be ultra-important. I have to admit that the change in contacting me has me a bit on edge.

    Sunday, 31 January 2010 @ 4:29am

  16. 16: MaryNo Gravatar says:

    Helloooooooo!

    I just got home from Thailand!

    I see we have numbered comments, and there is no longer a way to reply to the individual messages. I kinda liked that – as I’m a Gmail user – but I’m easy.

    Just wanted to say hi!

    Tuesday, 2 February 2010 @ 1:48am

  17. 17: AaminaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Mrs Raye. first of all I beg your pardon if my english speaking is not so good.
    I found your website so accidentally and I’v read your beautiful guids since one week ago,it was so effective & attractive for me,I really want to say “thank you” to you.

    I’m a girl from “Iran” .I’m so shy and even I have’nt be able to speak directly to a boy with comfort.this case bothers me so much.I cry so much for my loneliness.but from about one year ago I’v met a boy and I think I fell in love with him.up to now he has been so nice and kind to me,he never tried to be angry with me, and he said that I’m a very nice girl and so rare.but I think because of my simplisity he doesn’t love me,he just said he has another girlfriend whom he has promised to marry.but as much as I’v felt in this period,I think there is not such a girl really in his life,because he still is my friend and is in contact with alot of other girls too.I tried so much to gain his attention but he never never has said to me : “I love you”.
    I tried so much to forget him,but I really can’t,and he himself hasn’t said that when we must say goodbye.he is now so far from me,since 4 month ago he has gone to US and now we just can chat with each other through internet,I think I never can change his Idea about me,because he still says that he is with another girl.I think he like me but doesn’t want to tell me that.maybe he afraid to bother me after saying goodbye.I’m so lonely & heart broken.please help me,I know no one else would be able to fill his place in my heart.he is studying at Phd degree in US,but I’m not so clever and self-confident as he is,do you think it’s not sensible for us to marry? I like studying too,but I just need someone to help me to improve and to become successful in my life.but no one pays attention to me.
    by the way,unfortunately I’m not able to receive your CDs ,it’s not possible for me
    please reply to me.
    thank you for reading this.I’m waiting for your help.sorry if I talked too much.
    best wishes.

    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 12:10pm

  18. 18: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Aamina, Welcome, and my heart goes out to you…here’s what I want for you. Your experience with feeling so much love for this man is because of your inexperience. Your inexperience is making you feel even more insecure. Your wanting this man above all else is making everything feel worse for you, and placing your strength outside yourself, with him, instead of INSIDE yourself, with you. Focus on what you CAN do. Focus on what you can learn, where you can go, the fun youcan have, the people you can meet – how you can get truly involved in something you love so that your insecurities and shyness melt away. Make friends with men so that you can learn to be comfortable with them. This one man is not your whole life. Please start thinking more highly of yourself. Love, Rori

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:00pm

  19. 19: AaminaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello again,thank you very much dear Rori.I’ve become so glad to see that you have answered my comment so quickly.but I should say that this man is not the first and the only person whom I’ve met.I have had some other boy friends too,but this boy was the best of all in my view.he was more similar to my thoughts and behaviour than the others.but he just see me as a good friend and no more.sorry,I dont want to repeat my previous comments again,just I’ll try my best to listen to your advices.
    I really love your work. thank you .

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 5:20pm

  20. 20: SilviaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been involved for nearly a year with an international commericial pilot who lives in another country. He doesn’t fly here so we’ve been meeting at a third country during his layovers there. I actually met him 14 years ago when we both lived on the other side of the world, he expressed interest but I was leaving so I tunred him down. He found me 13 years later, came to my house half a world away and knocked on my door saying he could not forget about me and now that he had moved to the same countinent at least he came to see me.
    I know it is long distance but my parents also had a long distance relationship for nearly 30 years, my father also worked for the airline ad their relationship lasted 50 years, so I’ve seen it work.
    The problem is that until about 3 months ago he texted e-mailed and called me constantly telling me how much he missed me, but lately these calls and texts have become less frequet and he never says he misses me any more. During our last meeting which was a week ago he said he was stressed with work and fatigued from flying too much. He is affectionate physically but not so much in words any more. I have tried circular dating but it’s not working well, all I do is think about him. Also, the feeling language tool is difficult since we do not communicate in English and it doesn’t translate well. What do I do to bring him back?
    I do want a commitment from him, I don’t mind moving to the same city, I know he sometimes is gone for 3 or 4 days at a time but my father was gone for 6 months at a time. I just don’t like only seeing him once a month.

    Sunday, 7 February 2010 @ 1:31am

  21. 21: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Silvia, Welcome, and this is hard…because of your background – long distance feels natural to you. The only thing you have control over here is your own life…Circular Dating is key, and truly, what you need to do is talk with this man. Ask him what he sees for you. It’s been a year. He’s likely coming to grips with the idea of what the next step is, and so he’s pulling back. Get the elephant in the room out in the open. Say – we’ve been seeing each other for a year now, what do you see for us? I feel lonely for you. I miss you. I’d like to be with you. What do you see? Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 February 2010 @ 11:30pm

  22. 22: Kris PalmerNo Gravatar says:

    The guy I met on Match.com arrived on Friday and stayed through Monday. We had a wonderful time together – very relaxed and very comfortable. I behaved exactly as I would with any guest, and although I had ideas of things to do we decided what to do together. He talked of coming back in March. I have decided to let him make the moves and see/feel his level of committment over the next few months. He is not on Match.com and removed himself about a week before he came here. I am looking for those little things that can mean alot one way or the other. I would like to see this relationship develop positively. I have plenty going on in my life – a couple of men who are contacting me, but I have girlfriends, family and have my own business plus a dog! The plane trip between us is about 2.5 hours and is a direct flight so that is very good. He is going to retire at the end of this year and it feels like he is planning the rest of his life which includes having having someone is his life. I would say that the best thing I have done is to let go of controlling, realizing that worrying does nothing at all for my well being, people will always do what they do, and to accept that the important thing to me is that the only man I want in my life (providing I want him) is the one who wants to be with me. Integrity is one of those key qualities – we are who we say we are, we do what we say we are going to do – follow through. It is fine to wait, but there has to be some positive changes going on during that wait. If integrity is not there in a guy – those men don’t make the cut with me.

    Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 3:24am

  23. 23: Forgive & Forget - It'll Keep You Sane says:

    [...] [...]

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 11:15am

  24. 24: mumtazNo Gravatar says:

    hi rori,

    i’ve in a long distance relationship for couple of months with this guy we’ve been friends before that, he and i have gone through alot of tials and tribulation and have been there for one another… i have my on life and also he has his, were both very social people and i dont let our relationship interfere with it and i dont intervene in his… since january he’s been planning to come see me however, tragedy strikes AGAIN… and now i feel he’s withdrawn from us and our communication has been really bad until last week i stopped answering his calls because before that he anytime i asked anything general he wont answer or just be vague.. it was frustrating me i’ve used your feeling messages and he opens up then closes up again.. all in all… everything has started to get to me ALOT i cant stop crying and am in pain all the time.. am trying to get on with my life but cant stop thinking of him… he cant promise or make plans to see me because he’s not sure he’ll keep his words… its hurting me.. i’ve fallen in love with him and he fell in love with me… but now there’s this big silence i cant seem to get past… i want to talk but no words come out. for the past week i havent spoken to him or answered his call or text… he calls me constantly and texts whats going on and me to call him… but i just feel terrified because the last time i spoke i was so angry at him and told him i want a real relationship where he is the guy and am the girl so i backed of completely and now he’s constantly calling… i know what i want.. i want to be with him.. but he keeps making decision about us himself that he’s not making me happy and i deserve so much better and should not have to go through what he’s going through with his personell hell… i told him only he can solve his problem i cant… if he wants me… has to come find me and life himself cos i am not gona be waiting… i cant stop crying and the feeling of dread, fear and pain is eating me away… i just want to be with him… he just called me now and i answered told him about my fear of losing him and how i dontt feel apart of decision making about us.. and what does he think? he told me he loves me so much and wants me so much that he’s scared that he’ll poison my life because of him after everyone he’s lost he cant bear to lose me… he’s tired and just wants to sleep he says… and he loves me!!! HELP ME RORI… He’s going to call later to talk… what can i do or say to salvage our relationship?

    Monday, 8 March 2010 @ 11:05am

  25. 25: Kris PalmerNo Gravatar says:

    Mumtaz, I will say something that someone told me – you don’t sound happy. If it is a stuggle, then it is. I believe that like attracts like – if I am desperate than I attract desperate people. I have been there and done that – and, quite frankly, I slip back into it occasionally yet. I have been in a long distance relationsihp with a fellow for 4-1/2 years, and through applying some of the techniques that Rori, and others, have taught me I am becoming much more in control of my own feelings and behavior.

    I cannot control another person, and I have learned never to give my thoughts and opinions as to what they need to do in conversation with them. I allow them to be and do whatever they want in their own lives, even if it is in not-so-good decisions about me or the relationship. This guy has said to me “:You have changed”. I did not ask him what he meant by that comment – I just noted it. But he calls – so I guess the change is OK with him.

    In the meantime, I date, I join groups and do lots of activities with people, I started my own business. When I start to “weird out” – I call a girlfriend and tell her I am “weirding” and they are always willing to help me get beyond it. Of course, I don’t do that often as I love my girlfriends.

    So, take care of your own happiness and force yourself to do other things that take your mind off of him as much as possible. You can’t change him, you can change yourself. Then, if he is interested enough he will have to change his own behavior to meet you on a better feeling level.

    Being in love can make us behave in ways that says nothing about love but invites sheer misery. You have got to be happy and in love with yourself first before you will invite a happy loving relationship with anyone.

    Monday, 8 March 2010 @ 2:05pm

  26. 26: mumtazNo Gravatar says:

    hi kris

    thank you for sharing… i dont wana change him i love who he is and what he is… i love the person i am too… and proud to say of the woman i’ve become…

    My guy called… it’s over between us and its shattering my heart =’( he cant give me a future and a commited relationship. Am shaking so much and cant stop crying….

    Monday, 8 March 2010 @ 3:17pm

  27. 27: Kris PalmerNo Gravatar says:

    Mumtaz,

    Never say never – just work at focusing on yourself, and you never know what will happen down the road. This guy and I have separated before over this long time period – several times – and I just keep paddling down stream. He seems to join me at different places in my journey and who knows? I don’t wait for him, but he seems to catch up – life is unpredictable.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 2:50am

  28. 28: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Rori….this post hit home for me. I have been talking with a man that lives- believe it or not- where I moved here from! How ironic is that?! I am finding that I really like him and he has made plans to come to visit me but after reading your post here, I am not sure now. After telling me that he would be deleting his profile on the site where we met, it is still up there. I now feel un-trusting and deceived by this. I don’t want to feel like this and I think that perhaps this long distance things is just too much for me. I can totally see what you mean about it being just too hard. I am in a place where I can choose to move forward or stop as this is relatively new. As much as I do like this man, I think that it may be in my nest interest to just stop. I really do like him but I am finding myself feeling all of these really negative things now since learning that he is still on the site after he told me that he was not renewing his membership and would be deleting his profile. I feel sad and angry because I felt that I had perhaps finally met someone that was real and a good guy…until this. It is hard to do the long distance thing, you are right. I am not sure at this moment what I will do but it seems that perhaps it may be best to just stop before my heart really gets involved. Your thoughts?

    Love…Cassandra

    Sunday, 21 March 2010 @ 7:17am

  29. 29: mumtazNo Gravatar says:

    hi,

    since i’ve last posted i’ve been taking care of myself… dealing, listening and feeling my feelings and emotions… my guy has been calling me alot since we’ve decided not to be together but he continued to call and tell he loves me and wants me and doesnt want to lose me… he wants to be like how we were in a relationship and how we spoke over the phone… without expectation and hopes of ever seeing each other… thats not what i want!! he met this girl at a friends stag night he went to who’s a stripper… he came home and told me what happened.. he just sat there not involved in anything but just thinking about me and the girl came over and asked him to join his friends and the other girls but he just sat there so she sat with him and all he did was talk to her about me… he called it a therapy like he was talking to a therapist like he does with his therapist.. the next day he was in the area of the strip club where the girl works and he went over to her to talk they exchanged numbers or application on iphone… i felt a gut renching stab in my heart when he went there and exchanged numbers and i told him how i felt and he apologised and hung up.. after that i didnt answer any of his calls because he called me persistantly and i didnt know what else there was to hear and say… i just took time for myself then after a week i answered when he called he played me a really nice song and then he started yelling at me over the phone with so much anger… why have i been avoiding him, why havent i called or texted, dont i care for him anymore, he got so angry he hung up the phone… i wanted to call back and reassure him it wasnt like that but i stopped myself from doing that i dont have to explain myself so i left it… he called me back the next day and said he loves me and is going to stand by me and do the right thing by me and he is sorry that he hurt me… i just listened to him i want actions not just words… and up until now he hasnt done anything he said.. its like.. i feel he’s waiting for me to do something to give him a sign but i cant read his mind unless he asks… the day we broke up i only cried my heart out that day… since then i havent cried but today am feeling SO LONELY and missing him so much and i am crying… i havent heard from him in three days… i have this lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart and its overwhelming… i want to be with him and i know he does too.. but i want him to make his own decision himself and commit to me because its his choice and not pressured.. he made that choice to see the other girl and i backed off completely and he reached out to me and now it feels like he’s waiting for me to call him and make a move… i love him and want this to work.

    Rori and Girls what would your advice be to someone who’s feeling lonely? sorry for rambling just wanted to get it out of my chest huh…

    mumtaz

    Sunday, 28 March 2010 @ 3:12pm

  30. 30: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    mumtaz, circular date, circular date, circular date….I mean it. I know what it’s like when you’re so lonely you feel like the winds blowing right through you and the pain never subsides. But God as my witness, you have to talk to other men, because if you do, it diminishes your obsession for him. He knows who you are but if you remain strong, and lean back and not call him, it will command respect in him and everything will come together the way it’s supposed to whether he is with you or not, it will be so much more the advantage for you! Don’t walk in fear okay? Don’t cave in!

    Sunday, 28 March 2010 @ 4:31pm

  31. 31: Kris PalmerNo Gravatar says:

    Since I believe that we attract that which we are – and this is not always a delightful revealation – I have come to accept that if I am attracting relationships that make me feel bad that I have to look at myself and see what there is about me that brings these people into my life. Mumtaz, if any of what is happening doesn’t feel good….it isn’t, and you don’t need any diagnosis from someone else to feel secure in what you know about your feelings.

    I would say that when your man is telling you about this other girl at this night spot, that he is being abusive. It is torturing you emotionally and that is abusive. He is challenging your boundaries. And when you get upset enough he apologizes to hold your attention and to show that “nice side”. In my opinion, this whole “game” is mean.

    People only do what you allow them to do. I am not sure where we women get off thinking that it’s OK to feel bad in a relationship – and that somehow we are either causing it or must make it better. It is not normal, it is not acceptable.

    You might be doing other things and dating other people, but you are merely acting it all out and not truly getting involved with yourself and allowing these other activities to be joyful.

    If you truly want this person in your life you will have to free yourself from his hold. You must change yourself and turn around your responses to him and his behaviors to something completely different. You must not only act it but be it. It takes lots of practice and believing in yourself.

    It is scary. But what I found is that I either had to change and feel better about myself, or play a game of “is he or isn’t he” with him having the control. \

    The people in your life reflect back to you the person you are. They are your mirror. Think about a man looking out at you from a mirror and feeling his geniune love for you for all that you are.

    I have an LDR too – just this week he got into one of his weird moods, and I just said “I understand, we will talk later, Ken” and we hung up. That was 4 days ago – if I allow myself to think about it fear grips me that I won’t hear from him again…old habitual thoughts. In the end, the most important thing is my own happiness, and he can’t ever be responsible for that no matter how this relationship goes.

    .

    Sunday, 28 March 2010 @ 5:35pm

  32. 32: Kris PalmerNo Gravatar says:

    Something worth mentioning, Mumtaz – I have gotten so good at keeping my energy and joy up that inside of 3 days of not hearing from Ken….3 men have come into my life! That’s pretty good – talk about an ego boost! I “attracted” these men because I was no longer sitting around feeling lonely every time Ken has a weird mood. In fact, I find myself thinking “Maybe one of these men will replace Ken”. I am loosening the hold Ken has on me. I will tell you, I am absolutely crazy about Ken – I love this man like no other, but, honey, I am not going to ruin the present moments of my life while he gets weird.

    Sunday, 28 March 2010 @ 5:50pm

  33. 33: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Kris, I feel interested in Ken’s weird moods and how they affect his contact with you. I have experienced something similar with a LD guy. What is the longest he has gone without getting back to you?

    I feel happy for you learning to keep up your energy and joy!

    <3
    Lucy

    Sunday, 28 March 2010 @ 8:05pm

  34. 34: Kris PalmerNo Gravatar says:

    Well, the times can vary and it used to drive me crazy, but anymore I don’t take ownership of his moods. This doesn’t mean I don’t care or sometimes get upset – today, for example, I feel angry. However anger is a better feeling than fear. Fear is about whether or not he will contact me, or love me, or anything at all about what he may or may not do. Fear gives him the control, anger is taking it back. My anger consists of saying to myself “I am worth it. It is his problem not mine and he is a jerk for acting this way, etc”

    He was not mean or impolite, but his behavior over a few days felt “self absorbed”. I knew that when he said he would “call later” that he might not. I could feel it. So I simply said “I understand, we will talk later”. I was calm and matter of fact. I feel proud of myself. I will say that this “break” is the best feeling one I have had – as weird as that may sound.

    We can’t really compare how long each man takes – they are consistent individually. I just say to myself “get happy”. I have found that when I am not so involved with what I think he may be doing, that I am surprised when I hear from him! On the other hand, the more I think of him and the feeling of “loss” – time goes on forever.

    A while back I did an exercise that started me on the road to feeling better about myself. Ken and I had a, not so nice, “break” and I was devastated – could not eat or sleep, and was truly pathetic. So, I wrote out 3 lists.

    The first list was everything I loved about him and the relationship. The list was long and I got good feelings from seeing it written – it helps to validate why I am in this relationship. I call it my list of Appreciation.

    The second list was everything I felt I did not like about him and the relationship. The list was fairly short, but profound. It takes a measure of honesty and courage to write this list.

    The 3rd list was to look at that second list and write down my preferences. So, for example, if he is rude I would say I want him to be polite. It is important, I find, to state a positive rather than writing something like “I don’t want him to be rude”. Then I write statements about what polite means to me – for example: he says thank you, please, how are you doing – whatever it means to me. If I have to I will look up the word polite in the dictionary to help me create statements. If he is disrespectful I would say I want him to be respectful and then write down specifically what that means to me, for example: he listens to me, he encourages me (I might look up the word encourage and write more about what that means to me). This was, in essence, a list of Appreciation about what I desired for myself.

    I would review the first and the last lists regularly. I try to ignore the 2nd list as it was only a means to an end, and to focus on negatives creates bad feelings.

    I have seen/felt significant good changes in Ken’s attitude/behavior towards me since this self-clarification process .

    It is scary that just maybe this time I won’t hear from him – of course that is possible. But I don’t want to go through feeling bad on and off or wondering how long he will take “this time”, or worse yet, how long can I keep the relationship on an even keel. I create worry over something I can’t control.

    Although I could contact him and maybe get some relief for awhile, he would have control of my feelings. I would rather his control be about his deciding to contact me. I want that kind of a relationship.

    I don’t know how long it will take for him to adjust to who I really am or even if he will – but I am finding lots of neat people who have many of those qualities I wrote in lists 1 and 3 – imagine that!

    This is a lengthy reply and may be not what you wanted – however, the longer I depend on someone else’s behavior to dictate how happy I am the sicker I make myself.

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 7:10am

  35. 35: mumtazNo Gravatar says:

    lol thank you ladies for your insightful replies;

    Jeannette – what you’ve said i’ve taken on board i see the advantage of circular dating… i work with men and there are 3 guys who have shown and expressed there interest in me.. when am at work am myself and i am a natural flirt with a smile on my face and my heart on my sleeves they see me for who i am and i dont do pretense or act in any way to gain attention i jus get it.. lol 1st guy i work with is a gentleman whom i absolutely adore and respect we call ourself work husband/wife i know he has keen interest in me cos the other day he was telling me he wants to settle down and the brides position is open for me… am so flattered, 2nd guy is a dark horse and sleazy he keeps making sexual references and inuendos and always telling me he likes me and the 3rd is a guy whos old enough to be my grandfather he’s offering me financial stability and asked me, just this weekend, to settle down with him, get a house and enjoy life lol… even when i go out i remember rori’s tools body language and the way i talk has shown MASSIVE results. I was in asda (OUR WALMART IN UK) i couldnt bag my shopping because i was struggling with the carrier bags, two guys one behind the counter and one customer fought to help me with my bags, they both helped toghether in the end, i was blushing and smiling both at the same time and thanked them both for their help it made me feel so powerful to be just a woman… hehe… however, you are right i do fear and KRIS has also mentioned how fear grips hold of you… i’ve been feeling exactly that.. that he’s given up and isnt going to call… i havent called i didnt have the urge to call him but the pass two days since he hasnt called i’m getting triggered…

    Kris – your so right about the fact that when you dont think about the guy, he just calls… thats how i was… i was actually getting on laughing and having fun with my friends, colleagues men and women, and also by myself pampering myself or relaxing watching movies etc and not even thinking much about him but he’s there at the back of my mind… then Bang the phone starts ringing shaken me out of my world lol and he’s reaching out to me…

    but these few days i’ve been thinking alot about him and missing him and he hasnt called… but i will be ok

    i’ve just started a new job where i get assigned to different clients and help them out and i get to travel alot i was nervous but not any more cos i enjoyed my 1st day today and i am shattered going to curl up in bed with a good book and then sleep…

    thank you so much for your words and wisdom hugs to you both, please keep posting about your progress, i dont mind how long it is i love reading and learning from it..

    love Mumtaz xoxo

    Monday, 29 March 2010 @ 10:52am

  36. 36: Donna LavenderNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, I am learning so much and am feeling so empowered. Thanks Rori for putting me on top.
    To turn the tables here, I was feeling guilty about a long distance relationship where he sends me money and gifts all the time. Neither of us has said I love you or spoken of exclusivity or marriage. I keep letting it go on although I dont like this guy at all. He is immature, inexperienced and kind of (not intellegent). He is 47 and I am 44 just to get that out of the way. I don’t have to see him very often, or should I say tollerate a visit. I am cold to him and ignore him as he texts and calls everyday. He doesn’t get the message that I am not into him so I continue to tollerate a few texts and calls and he sends me money. I can asuume what he thinks in his immature mind but it’s not my fault he assumes anything. If the words are not spoken then it doesnt exist. I know that when I find someone that I will marry or choose to be exclusive with then I will let him go and I assume he will be crushed. I always put off his visits and I wont let him touch me when he does visit. He is not the only man that has given me money or gifts. One man gave me money and fixed my car and tires a few times after a month online. he was long distance aswell. This man and I have an agreement that we are just friends and we meet for sex sometimes. He has past emotional problems and became unemployeed so he is emotionally unavailable and there are no more gifts except that he cooks very well for me and expects nothing back. I feel safe having sex with him without an emotional attachment. The first man doesn’t know and hasn’t asked. Now that I feel empowered, I no longer feel guilty but take what the first man gives. If he asked all those things he assumes but doesnt say then I would be honest and tell the truth. No I dont love him and no I don’t want to marry or be exclusive with him. All he does say is that he cares for me and wants to help me. Am I wrong to take from him? I dont con him at all. I believe he avoids the words that need to be spoken somehow knowing the truth but he doesn’t want to accept it. Is it my job to educate him or be his mommy or should I just be my own person and live my own life taking what is given freely? I take words at face value untill I become close to someone and get them and they get me. This man and I will never get through that barrier of closeness. I want to continue of course.

    Sunday, 18 April 2010 @ 9:55am

  37. 37: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Donna, Welcome, and I’m completely at a loss here. Though I would not feel comfortable in your situation, I do not judge your desire to do so. Money is a means of exchange, and unless you are a charity organization, I’m not sure what it is you wish to give back to him. What I would want for you is to work to heal what it is inside you that is involving yourself in these kinds of non-relationships and begin Circular Dating to help…I would like to ask you, too, to do some writing about what it is you DO want…you seem so mired in what seems from here so unsatisfying…let’s start from your dreams and see if we can make them happen. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 18 April 2010 @ 10:07am

  38. 38: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori
    I am with my man for one and a half years now.before we were doing great and just last month he started changing. he gets colder and colder. we are together every weekend since i have to work long distance.When things changed, he was asking for a cool off, but because Ive felt insulted, i did not accept it, because i cant see any reason since there was indeed no problem at all. i forgot that he changed a lot and finally said its over. I was very heart broken.There is the man that i loved most asking for a break up and i did not do anything wrong but just because he wants it and he feels cold.Sometimes, he does calls short to tell me he thinks of me and I am not calling him back.Thanks for all the advices you’re giving me that made my spirit high.I wanted to save this relationship as ealy as i can..let me also mention that before we were even looking forward of being married and grow old together. but things suddenly changed.I am pretty sure he is not seeing anybody, since his daughters were calling me often.telling me that if there is any, they’d be the first to know.after work he just stays home with them and just stays in his room right after dinner.Not talking to anybody on the phone except me and no text messages from from any one except his boyfriends. that they assured me of and telling me if there is, they wont tolerate it anyway,if its not me.

    Saturday, 15 May 2010 @ 12:19pm

  39. 39: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Gina, Welcome, and though I’m so sorry for your pain – I think you’ve handled this brilliantly and I know if you Circular Date with this attitude, you’ll get what you want – a great man and great relationship (perhaps even this man) very quickly. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 15 May 2010 @ 9:01pm

  40. 40: Star GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hello! I am in a long distance relationship- I am 26 and he is 27. We are both in the military, but I plan to get out in one year (he can, too, but he hasn’t decided yet)! We were dating in the same place for 1 yr, 4 mo, and we’ve been apart for 1 year now, with at least 1 more year apart. When we were together in the same place I was happy for the first time. Since we’ve been apart, I have been excelling at work and keeping busy, but I’m not as social as he is. I don’t go to parties, but I run with a group and work on my master’s. He is pretty good about calling me, but he is one of those commitment-phobic guys, and why is it that waiting for him to decide that I’m the one makes me frustrated and unsure? He doesn’t like to plan past today. I love him, but I am the giving type, and my friend thinks I need someone who will spoil me and not take advantage of my niceness since I am always bending over backwards for everyone else (including him). But maybe a guy like that wouldn’t attract me, anyway? He is really an amazing guy, different from me in a lot of ways, so he balances me out. How do you know when to stick with it, and when to cash out?

    Sunday, 23 May 2010 @ 7:29pm

  41. 41: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Star Girl, Welcome, – and there’s nothing to stick to here. You are clearly not exclusively bound – so why ar you thinking and acting like you are? It’s nearly impossible to make relationship plans when you are apart. Please focus on enjoying what’s arond you today – including new men. Love, Rori

    Monday, 24 May 2010 @ 11:39am

  42. 42: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    StarGirl – not sure if I answered this before – please don’t be exclusive inany way (not even in your mind) with this man. You have so much time before you see him – open yourself to new experiences and new men. Love, Rori

    Monday, 24 May 2010 @ 11:54am

  43. 43: coffelovergirlNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori, I’ve been reading these long distant relationship blogs and I am getting the feeling that it is not a good idea to be in one, which I have known it usually does not work out. However i’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and he is moving back to his home town which is 4hrs away, he said he is not closing any doors on our relationship, but I have a feeling that things will change once he moves, I really hate to see him go, but I do understand his job is the reason for him leaving, plus he has been in Atlanta for 7yrs and has wanted to sell his place and move back home, his is committment phobic, I really want more out of this relationship but wonder if it’s not worth the lond distance that will come between us. I wish he would stay since we havn’t had enough time to really get to date longer, he said to me that he loves me but now that he is leaving he has not said it lately, I’ve done the circular dating and tried to realize in my mind that he is leaving and just to release him and let him go, but it’s difficult as I have deep feelings for him and don’t know what to do? Any advice would be appreciated.

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 9:28am

  44. 44: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    coffelovergirl, Welcome, and you must continue to Circular Date and just consider him another man you date…if you can’t handle that, then end it…trying to push him into something will not work…Love, Rori – AND you CAN do this! Just practice. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 9:34pm

  45. 45: NicoleNo Gravatar says:

    i’ve been talking to this guy off and on for the past year. We finally met in person about 2 months ago. There was definitely chemistry, but for the past month or so I haven’t seen him because he travels alot for his job. I have really started to develop some feelings for him (nothing too serious), but enough that I want to keep him around. Now he’s stopped answering the phone and texting me, but he answers if I text him. I want to find out how he feels about me and where he thinks this could go. HELP!!

    Thursday, 15 July 2010 @ 10:00am

  46. 46: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Nicole, Welcome – and look up Circular Dating here….you’re getting all fixated on a guy who is NOT your boyfriend, nor should he be. Don’t call or text – let him do what he does, and meanwhile – et out there and DATE!! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 15 July 2010 @ 6:04pm

  47. 47: SarahNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori, I have been talking to a guy who currently lives in another country, from the staart he was someone who would contact me almost every day by text, email or a phone call, he would also tell me how much he loves me. only the past 6 weeks that he stopped contacting me, when I text, he will not respond my text soon, but will text me back maybe even few days after and says was not feeling well, it contenued and when I called him he will say there is nothing wrong, he is just buzy and stuff. I have emailed one day to let him know how I feel, which he did not respond, but when he saw me online the next day, he told me he knows how I feel and he feels really bad for not to keeping in touch. he also says I never gave him enough attention and living in another country he dosen’t know how to deal with this…this is coming from someone who says he is lin love wiith me and wants to be with me, I don’t know what to do now, as I am really in love with this guy, I am only thinking if I contact him again I will sound needy and the fact that I am pressuring him to be with me. last time I text him, I am still waiting or respond!! please advise me if I stop contacting him and just leave him alone, which is hard, do you thing this will change things…Many Thanks Sarah

    Saturday, 17 July 2010 @ 6:49pm

  48. 48: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sarah, Welcome – and so sorry – but no one can fall in love with anyone they don’t see regularly – in person. Skype and phone and text doesn’t count. Smell, taste and touch count. Please Circular Date local men. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 18 July 2010 @ 7:01pm

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