A Man Who Just “Has” To Cheat

Betrayal. Cheating. Porn. Friendfinder. Emailing other women. Chatting With Other Women. And yet…

He loves you…

How does THAT work?

Here’s where you might be going with this – you hate him.

And why do you hate him?

Because we’re human.

We hate a man who dies before we want him to.

We’re infuriated at anything a man does that isn’t the way we want it to be.

We hate him for not calling. For not coming over. For not wanting sex. For watching sports instead of hanging out with us. Anything.

And the worst is the other women stuff – porn, staring, “needing variety” – anything he says that includes another woman or women and makes you feel bad.

And this is supposed to be BAD. In other words – nearly everyone would agree with us that this is bad, where they might not agree with your anger over a missed phone call.

And yet, it’s all the same!

Yes, it is. Because it doesn’t mean anything in itself.

It’s not worth figuring out.

Either you marry Matthew McConaughy and trust he’ll be with only you forever – or you go with – I “hope” it works out that way because it would feel great – and yet – I’m not going to hinge my happiness on it.

Some things you can accept and others you can’t. And notice I say “accept” and not “tolerate.”

Toleration is such a “No-No.”

The conversation you have with yourself about a man has to be about what you can accept, and what you can’t accept- and let’s leave the anger out of the discussion.

Let’s leave the anger (good or bad, right or wrong, justified or not justified…..) out of the discussion – because you’re going to feel angry some of the time no matter what you’ve decided to accept!

Expecting anger to not follow disappointment is like expecting water to not fall from a raincloud.

You can hope it doesn’t – but it will. You can be mad at the cloud, and you can be mad at the sun, and you can accept the rain even if you don’t like it.

But being mad at rain is pretty silly. So being angry with your own anger is….not worth your time.

And being angry with a man for making you angry is a similarly not-helpful use of your time.

You learn as much as you can about what a man is like and how what he does and says and is affects and triggers you personally.

You work on understanding how you’re triggered and discovering what you actually, really want and don’t want. What feels good and what doesn’t. What you want to accept and what you don’t want to accept.

You forget about trying to change him, and just keep asking yourself, over and over – “Why am I here?” Ask “Do I want to be here more than I don’t want to be here?”  Ask, “What is the deal I’m accepting?”

We compound all our unpleasant feelings with more unpleasant feelings about HAVING unpleasant feelings – so let’s just go with this:

ACCEPT what you feel – and now let’s go on to the MEANING of what HE’S doing:

And remember – this is your MEANING you’re giving to his behavior. To him – this is not betrayal. It makes you FEEL bad, but he’s not trying to hurt you. It’s not deliberate hurt. It’s just the way he “rolls.”

Instead of turning your fury on him because he isn’t and won’t be the way you want him to be – and under your control – your job is to get out there and find other men who don’t have these issues that make you feel bad. A better “MATCH” is what we want here. This is not a match that will work.

Please believe that Circular Dating is the cure for you here…You’re beautiful, wonderfully employed – you’re going to find a bunch of great men in NO time…men who may have OTHER problems – but not this one.

Do you watch “House”? The doctor who just has to “cheat” on his wife? – and how the wife’s been working through it?

Some men are addicted – doesn’t matter what to – drugs, women, sex, makes no difference.

You don’t want an addict – unless he’s addicted to YOU!

Do you want to be here?

Love, Rori

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886 Comments to “A Man Who Just “Has” To Cheat”

  1. 1: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    hello, world….

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 9:45am

  2. 2: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow what an eye opener about what he does.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 9:52am

  3. 3: AminataNo Gravatar says:

    “You don’t want an addict unless he is addicted to you.”

    This message is so on time. I have been talking through this with myself lately. I met a nice fellow during the holidays and we really hit it off but he is always running around and addicted to work, but hardly ever made real time for me.

    This is where circular dating helped. Before I would have been stressed and pressured him about making time for me. Instead, I just told him how I felt and moved on. We’re cool friends, yet I’m dating some guys that are more into me and I’m following my joy. Thanks Rori.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:04am

  4. 4: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Haha!

    I don’t want an addict – unless he’s addicted to ME!

    Amen.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:05am

  5. 5: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm,

    It doesn’t really make me feel bad if a man regularly looks at porn. I’ve never had one do so and lie to me about it or desire me any less, so it feels pretty harmless to me….

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:11am

  6. 6: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE this post Rori! Been there, done that and am feeling so sure I don’t want to try to tolerate what I don’t want ever again. The kicker for me now is my fear that a man won’t be honest early on about his “stuff” and I’ll end up wasting more time. I trust my feelings. I trust my feelings. I trust my feelings.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:12am

  7. 7: TesraNo Gravatar says:

    I am going through a situation where cheating was involved. He ended up getting a woman pregnant and now has a 3yr old and I took him back. He moved me into his home and now he won’t pay the bills he is supposed and I purchased a truck for him that I had to pay this month because he just disappeared and did not pay. Needless to say I am leaving, but he’s making it hard for me to save money by not paying any of the bills which forces me too because I have a child there myself. Stupid Stupid mistakes……

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:15am

  8. 8: KatninaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! This is such an insightful post.
    It reminds me of Evan Marc Katz’s saying “men do what they want.”
    and to me, in this post, Rori is saying men do what they want, and if you don’t like what this particular man is doing, and how you feel when he does it, move on! you can’t change what he wants to do, and if you CD, you will find one who wants to do what works for you!
    I LOVE this post! Thank you, Rori!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:15am

  9. 9: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have heard in Christian Carter’s From Casual to Committed where Dr. Paul speaks about a prairie bull. The suggestion is that because of brain chemicals or hormone when a person is addicted to something they cannot attract. So apparently when a man is addicted to say a substance he will sleep with you but will not feel the attraction that keeps him glued to you. It is the same chemical that bonds babies and mothers. Apparently prairie bulls have little of the hormone so they will indescriminately sleep with a lot of females. While other animals have the oxytocin effect where they become territorial after mating with a female physically and stays with her and defend her against other males who might want her.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:21am

  10. 10: DebNo Gravatar says:

    This is a great post! I wish I could tell Shag to read it, accept me, and not be angry with me! I feel like the “player” but I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I was practicing receiving and being in the moment. I thought I was honest and upfront and expressing my truth, but it was hard sometimes to express my discomfort… was I not honest enough?

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 11:13am

  11. 11: DebNo Gravatar says:

    I actually had wanted to share something different today, before I read this post…

    I have so much to share… where to start?

    First, the good news: A few days ago, I reconnected with “NextDoor” – the guy who drove me crazy and drove to me to Rori last summer. I was kind of curious to see if I still felt anything and if he had really changed like he claimed. Through all the personal growth I’ve been doing and being able to detach myself from the situation, I had realized awhile ago that he is a total narcissist! I was able to feel totally secure in myself, lean way back, and stand up for myself.

    I called him out on not seeing me when he said he would by saying that I had felt excited to see him, but then disappointed, and I don’t like feeling that way, and come to think of it, it was always kind of like that with him. He went on & on with an excuse… hmmm… Then he said he wanted to hang out later and he suggested that I text him and “let him know” ..nahh! I said, “oooh, um, do you have my number? …I don’t know if I have yours anymore…”

    So I got him to lean forward and make the plans, but when he did text I was so busy making a wonderful dinner for myself that I didn’t notice until half an hour later! This guy must be king of trying to do the absolute minimum, he came over in all sweats with some beer! Me = not impressed. But I let him fix my computer while I did my dishes, he even ran back and forth to his house a few times to get tools and some anti-virus software. Then he was able to disassemble a broken external hard drive I have to get the data off of it – that would’ve cost me HUNDREDS of dollars to get professionally fixed!

    I didn’t let him take over the conversation my talking about himself and his problems on and on like I used to. I practiced a tool Daria was writing about where you envision you and the guy on Olympic-style podiums and his drops down below mine! So… we ended up making out on the couch a bit, shirts came off (he just HAD to show me the new tattoos on his muscular pecs… ) …but although I was getting turned on, I kept checking in with myself and I realized OMG – I’M FREE! I don’t FEEL that pull towards him, I’m the chooser here, and his lame actions just don’t hold a candle to the dates and good treatment I’ve been experiencing with CDs. Rori – THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU ☺ I love myself, I love you, and I love all of the beautiful sirens who post or read here on this blog! …and I don’t care about HIM – haha!

    So yeah, I stopped and I expressed what was going on for me… as honestly as I could… maybe not perfectly honestly (because I mentioned that I still felt “something” and I’m not sure if I do), but pretty well. I said that it felt really good to be with him (it did, I had been feeling lonely that day), but that we can’t just pick up where we left off. I said that I know what I’m looking for now and that I’m going to keep moving towards that and I don’t want to get too involved with someone if we’re not on the same page. He was pretty quiet. Busted!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 11:16am

  12. 12: DebNo Gravatar says:

    So as for Mr. NextDoor… I am getting some good practice here. I was thinking about the difference between just leaning back (what I’ve been doing w/ him for months) and leaning back + being an invitation.

    So when I come home and take out the garbage, open the door (just leave the screen door shut), and play music that I like, guess who knocks on the door and just wants to say hi?

    Now, mind you, this is NOT keeping me from CDing at all, I’m seeing/communicating with several nice guys right now. I’m not considering anything with him at this point besides some company. But I certainly don’t mind if he wants to come worship for a bit and fix my things ;) I’m just proud that I’ve finally been able to make the shift to removing him from my thoughts when he’s not in front of me. I don’t look outside for his truck anymore, for example.

    I am having some serious problems with Shag though after breaking it off with him… not that we were even together! He is not taking it well and I feel awful. I don’t want to get into it right now… ugg, I feel heavy just thinking about it ☹

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 11:17am

  13. 13: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    hehe just last week i wrote on here that my ex-h J reminds me of that doctor on House…. and now Rori mentioned him too…

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 11:19am

  14. 14: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    i love what rori says here about “a better match” and “a match that will work.” That is my philosophy too!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 12:07pm

  15. 15: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    This post feels like it was written for me!

    Lol.

    It feels so relevant.

    I love the idea of accepting or rejecting only, not trying to change.

    And I want to keep reminding myself that men are like rivers flowing through my life.

    They come and they go… until one sticks.

    They go when they know they can’t give me what I need. They look after me in that way.

    This feels ok.

    xoxoxox

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 12:16pm

  16. 16: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    @FW’s 9

    FW I like that. A lot. I hadn’t thought of addiction as preventing bonding in that way before. Makes sense and helps me feel secure. Thanks for posting!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 12:25pm

  17. 17: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, what a post! Massive eye opener!!!
    I love like in ever post Rori writes the ultimate choice is bestowed on us women… You feel you can’t accept this kind of behaviour (and how could you?!?) so you decide to leave. It has nothing to see with the man, it’s about how much you love yourself and want to get what you deserve.
    Thanks Rori… It gives me ideas on what to do next in my relationship…

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:31pm

  18. 18: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I have some fears creeping up about this post the second time around reading it. What if the guy you’re with develops the addiction AFTER you’re married? I really don’t want a second divorce. Ugh. Sinking feeling in my belly. Burning hot anxiety.

    What would I do then? It’s one thing to say I’ll find a better match before I’m married and quite another after I’m married.

    What might that look like?

    STOPPPPPPPP.

    Nasty voices… listen, I can’t predict the future any more than you can. Can we stick with the pretty version of our life please?

    I will have the relationship I want. It will feel healthy, loving and passionate forever.

    Deep breath in.

    Deep breath out.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:36pm

  19. 19: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel amazed by how often I have nasty voices / thoughts come up.

    Haha… Gotta flip that one too…

    I feel happy and grateful that my thoughts are always positive.

    At least I’m recognizing them now. :-)

    I do feel grateful that I notice them and can flip the negative to a positive.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:39pm

  20. 20: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SS re 18,

    I can feel your fear too.

    And of course we cannot control the future and what might occur.

    It might make a difference because this time you would be a fully fledged Siren. So as well as picking your man well, you would also have Siren powers.

    Meaning that as long as you had picked a healthy man to begin with, and you kept working the tools, the relatipnship would be healthy, therefore addiction might be less likely to develop in that environment.

    Just an idea…

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:44pm

  21. 21: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Also what if the man is addicted to you… and then you discover he also has an addiction to something else…

    That feels confusing.

    Cus how can he be addicted to both?

    I guess the other thing will eventually come first so I leave. In fact it has already when he is doing it near me after I have expressed how bad that makes me feel.

    This is just how he rolls.

    No point trying to change this.

    Accept or reject!

    I choose not to accept this.

    Really it is as though he has another love… but it is a white powder not a human being!

    I feel angry cus I felt disappointed.

    But I don’t want that!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:51pm

  22. 22: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SS – Yay for 19!

    :-)

    xoxoxox

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:52pm

  23. 23: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon and Ella – What ifs will mess you up every time. Please try not to go there.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 1:58pm

  24. 24: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella, I think Rori meant “addicted to you” euphemistically. We truly do not want a man who is addicted to us bc that too comes from an unhealthy place – the same place other addictions come from. And it’s an indication that he is indeed susceptible to other addictions.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:00pm

  25. 25: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    :-)

    Yeah I know!

    xoxoxoxox

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:15pm

  26. 26: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque,

    Mine was real!

    And I did decide not to go there.

    xoxoxox

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:20pm

  27. 27: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    okay, good to hear :)

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:20pm

  28. 28: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    It did feel confusing though.

    To be with a man who was very into me, worshipped me really, and treated me well.

    And to then discover he had an addiction.

    As I have said before the signs were there.

    I was just temporarily blinded.

    But now I am back on my horse and we are looking for the bridge.

    And I feel ok about stuff now.

    And this feels like progress. As does the fact that most men I encounter, even ones who I would previously have labelled as ‘bad’ in some way, tend to treat me well.

    Its just that some of them are not a good fit for me!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:24pm

  29. 29: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I love this…

    “Please believe that Circular Dating is the cure for you here…You’re beautiful, wonderfully employed – you’re going to find a bunch of great men in NO time…men who may have OTHER problems – but not this one.”

    Soooo true. When I did it…well….a “cure” is the best way for me to describe it too. In my case circular dating “cured” both J and I but in any case I firmly believe it can help any woman living through something like this.

    If nothing else, for me, it got me out of the house, smiling, having adult conversations with real live men and, for moments at a time, it gave me a reprieve from crying and missing him and wondering “why?”…which is such a silly question by the way…one I asked over and over and over…and in the end, it didn’t matter a bit. “Why?” made no difference at all.

    CD, two Advil, a glass of OJ (with some champagne in it) and POOF! You’re cured! ;-) (okay…maybe a little more time than that, but still…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:39pm

  30. 30: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – #29
    “CD, two Advil, a glass of OJ (with some champagne in it) and POOF! You’re cured! (okay…maybe a little more time than that, but still…)”

    hahahha… love this comment!!! Especially the champagne bit ;-)

    I feel like I have found a group of amazing girlfriends here on this blog… I’m learning so much and I am really enjoying the humor too!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 2:56pm

  31. 31: Soul SistaNo Gravatar says:

    mercedes ~ just curious…is J the guy you are with now or a guy you used to be with?

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 3:24pm

  32. 32: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Watch for the signs of an addictive personality.

    People are never addictive to only one thing, it is a personality.
    If he is addicted to you right from the beginning, he might be bad news.
    And he probably is addictive to something else.
    Observe his life.

    An addictive personality is co-dependant.
    It might feel flattering in the beginning but it only means he has no “stop” button .
    When someone or something triggered his “on” button, he can’t be without anymore.
    Addiction is also related to low self-esteem.

    I suppose Rori was playing with words when she says you want a man addicted to you.
    She probably knows this is bad news as well.
    No addiction signs at all is what we want.

    Xxx

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 3:45pm

  33. 33: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Well. As I said the other day, I closed my pof account. I just noticed today that I only have 4 more days on my Match subscription (and I don’t have the money to renew even if I wanted to, which I don’t.)

    I feel a little panicky (like, oh no! what will I do now???) but also a little excited. It almost feels like the burning bridges thing Shannon wrote about — like, I’ve been putting so much hope into dating sites, but why? What makes me think dating sites are even on the bridge to happy ever after for me? I feel a sense of freedom letting go of that idea, at least for a season. And maybe this will make me feel more interested in meeting men out and about. Or on facebook (Jonathon’s favorite dating venue).

    Also, (hehe), I just now remembered my friend’s Match story (which resulted in marriage a couple years ago) — on the DAY her subscription was expiring (and she wasn’t renewing), her now-husband appeared on the site out of nowhere and contacted her.

    I am not expecting that to happen, but I am certainly open to it. :)

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 3:51pm

  34. 34: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    There we go — deleted my okcupid account too. From the list of reasons, I selected, “Okcupid does not have my kind of person on it.”

    Very true very true.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 4:40pm

  35. 35: lilyflowerNo Gravatar says:

    @Deb 11 – YES!! That is fantastic! What a great attitude!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 4:45pm

  36. 36: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Soul Sista. J is the guy I’m with now. Things weren’t always so beautiful…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 4:56pm

  37. 37: lilyflowerNo Gravatar says:

    Ok wow I needed this today. I got myself into a sticky situation this weekend and have been feeling really badly about it. Like, super bad. Like, I can’t believe that me (Me!) this independent, self-confidant, amazing person allowed this to happen. I got pressured into sex with the Barber. He was going to stay over at my house beause we were going out together that night and we had a great time, and then we got back to my house, he offered a massage, clothes came off and then all the sudden he’s trying to get in me with no condom on! so I made him put one on, ya know, for safety… and he just got in there. I feel awful.
    I feel so bad because I wasn’t ready and I let it happen anyway. And I feel worse because he’s basically stopped doing all of the sweet and kind things he was doing and saying before we had sex.
    Today, I decided i needed to keep CDing so I got back on line and have a phone call lined up for tonight.
    But gosh, I feel terrible about myself. Have I not learned anything in these last few months of reading and listening to Rori???? I could cry right now

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 4:56pm

  38. 38: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    Addiction hm, I’d feel happier to substitute a guy who is passionate about me rather than addicted to me. I dont want someone without an off switch again. Had that, felt scary.

    Online dating has given me a few laughs now I’ve put a profile up. One guy asked me if I liked the smell of Lynx Africa? Really dude you’re asking me if I’d like the smell of your deodorant? NEXT!

    but on a positive note, exchanged feeling message emails with Mr RealEstate guy and we plan to meet for a coffee. One step, tip toe, tip toe with my baby feet.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:04pm

  39. 39: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @34: Lucy says:
    “…There we go — deleted my okcupid account too. From the list of reasons, I selected, “Okcupid does not have my kind of person on it….”

    This might be difficult to sum up, or maybe you’d rather not…but…could you say kind of…what’s there that didn’t suit you? I’d appreciate it.

    Also, I hope that Match comes through for you too in the nick of time!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:23pm

  40. 40: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @37 lilyflower says:

    …Today, I decided i needed to keep CDing so I got back on line and have a phone call lined up for tonight.
    But gosh, I feel terrible about myself. Have I not learned anything in these last few months of reading and listening to Rori???? I could cry right now…”

    Hugs (((lilyflower))) :D Don’t cry. If you’re still CD and have another date already lined up, you are still on your horse and doing just fine! And if you want to do things differently next time, you can do that too. It’s OK… really.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:30pm

  41. 41: lilyflowerNo Gravatar says:

    @SLV40

    Gosh that felt good to hear. Thank you so much. I got a little teary (in a good way!) from reading your post. And I am totally taking that hug cause I need it.

    Do you think I can “do things differently” with THIS guy…or the next? Is it too late for the Barber. I allowed him to hurt me. Can I help him turn it back around? Or move on?
    I have got to stop having sex so early! Even though we were almost a month in (which is a historically long time for me)….my number is getting too high. ick.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:34pm

  42. 42: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, thanks for the well wishes regarding Match. :)

    I’m not sure how to answer your question about okcupid. This is a generalization, but I did find more guys of the player variety on there than on the other sites. Or, should I say, they found me.

    One good thing about okcupid is that people can include a TON of information about themselves — especially by answering any of a zillion questions provided by the site — so you get to know a lot about someone before even communicating. And that means, for me, I can eliminate almost everyone just by a thorough reading of their profile and answers.

    Just before deleting my account, I decided to look around just a bit. I saw this guy who looked interesting, so I clicked on his pic. Once I saw the pic more closely like that, I got a “creepy vibe” from him. Keeping an open mind, I decided to look over his info just in case my creepy vibe sensor was off. It wasn’t. He had some obnoxious stuff on there — some of it was very offensive about overweight people. That’s just one man, of course, but I offer him to you as an example of what I find on that site.

    Okcupid, to me, has the feel of a playground (adult version). There’s lots of fun stuff to do there, and I think a lot of people use it for just that — fun.

    As you say, though, SLV, your mileage may vary. :) (love that phrase!)

    <3
    Lucy

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:39pm

  43. 43: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Rori said:

    Either you marry Matthew McConaughy and trust he’ll be with only you forever ….

    ********

    Sign me up for that plan. I’ve had a crush on Matthew McConaughy since A Time To Kill. Oh man, that man does it for me!!!

    Spent the night with B#1 — who got up and cooked me eggs, bacon and GLUTEN FREE pancakes for breakfast this am (he bought gluten free pancake mix!!) — and had a convo with him about how my usual type is blue eyed blondes.

    He said that’s funny, cuz he doesn’t have blue eyes.

    LOL

    He’s a black man.

    Lisi

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:47pm

  44. 44: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I just have to say… It feels so good to see in my inbox: “TN man has sent you a message on facebook” — especially when it’s rather out-of-the-blue.

    I’m keeping it in my inbox bc it makes me smile every time I see it — and smiling is good for me. :)

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:50pm

  45. 45: Lis TNo Gravatar says:

    Ok ladies, I have to ask? If you are Cdating and it is online what sites are you all using.
    What would be the best, match.com, eharmony, and what others?

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 5:53pm

  46. 46: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @41: lilyflower:

    We are women and sirens…we can change our minds anytime we please. When you say hurt you, I hope not physically. But whatever kind of hurt it was, you do not have to repeat it. What’s done, is done. Just say your feeling message about how you are feeling right now and keep on going.

    However, if the guy is really an insensitive brute, in your opinion, now you know and your date has given you the opportunity to observe that before you become more invested.

    Keep your boundary…remember it’s your boundary and you decide what it is, so even if it’s been crossed once that does not mean it has to be always and forever crossed.

    Good luck to you. :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:00pm

  47. 47: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @41: lilyflower says
    “….my number is getting too high. ick…”

    BTW, I don’t believe in “the number”… I’ve never bothered to count mine :lol: Did you ever see that “Sex and the City” episode with Samantha trying to tally up “her number.” hahaha is all I will say.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:04pm

  48. 48: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @42: Lucy

    Thanks for your insight, Lucy. I didn’t think about the “playground” feel but I think you are absolutely right!!! I saw there are a lot of tests which are almost game like.

    I also stumbled onto a very active “alternative” forum, although I guess most sites have them, and I haven’t compared them because I’m not seeking in those waters…but that one did seem rather gross.

    Do you think you would consider a few replies to guys’s profiles, a la EMK’s alternate online dating method?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:12pm

  49. 49: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Do you think you would consider a few replies to guys’s profiles, a la EMK’s alternate online dating method?” (SLV)

    Do you mean making first contact?

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:16pm

  50. 50: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy

    Yes.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:24pm

  51. 51: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, I don’t usually find anyone who interests me enough to make a first contact. Now and then I do run across someone who appeals to me, but I usually just view their profile or at most “favorite” them — and then they contact me first.

    I’m not opposed to initiating contact — it just seems unnecessary.

    Occasionally I will send a first message to a guy just for fun — if something on his profile is remarkable, I feel compelled to remark. :) But these are invariably guys I am not actually interested in a relationship with.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:35pm

  52. 52: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, so here’s what happened with my “ex.” I’m still struggling with it, and would appreciate feedback. He moved 3 hrs away & we broke up; I started CD-ing; after I’d been CD-ing B#1 3 months, we started sleeping together; immediately, the ex sensed the vibe & was back; he came for the week end, and it was wonderful, but he still wasn’t ready to commit. I kept Cd-ing.

    Here’s the conversation:

    Him: I’m fine, thanks…..R u having sex with yr date???

    Me: I have been seeing him since you left in Sept & we slept together the first time the week of Christmas. When you decided not to come. Yes.

    Him: Not much for me here….You have issues to handle and not on my time…

    Me: I’ll miss you. I feel sad & vulnerable & scared.

    Him: I don’t like to hear that about you. I am lost too.

    Me: I want you to hold me.

    Him: I wud love to but you scare me…

    Me: I didn’t know you would ever come back, & when u did, u left in 24 hrs & made no commitments. You break my heart. And you scare me.

    And, when I open my heart to you, you say, “you have a friend in CITY” & leave me crying on the floor.

    Then he called, and it just got uglier and uglier.

    He’s REALLY angry that I’m sleeping with someone else — but the way I see it — he set that all up. He left. He didn’t come back. He finally returned after I was in 3 months of relationship with someone else. I disclosed that I was dating; he knows I have a 90 days before sex rule; but I don’t feel comfortable talking with one man about the sexual details of my relationship with another.

    When he came, he could have decided he really wanted to try it with me — but he didn’t. He said he wasn’t ready.

    I took him at his word. And, the truth is, this guy has always been hot/cold. I told him I’d stop CD-ing when he was ready to know my ring-size.

    I realize he’s hurt and jealous and angry. It seems that his emotions for me were at the point that he needed me not to be seeing others.

    But — without the commitment on his part — I couldn’t offer that.

    GRRRRRRRR.

    I’m upset. And frustrated. We haven’t spoken since Sunday am. I am just dealing with it.

    It’s hard. I want to hear from him. I wonder if I want him. It’s all jumbled up….

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:36pm

  53. 53: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy

    I hope somebody new shows up for you. Maybe we can manifest him. Did you ever try that? I haven’t…wondering if there is any truth to it…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 6:47pm

  54. 54: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thx, SLV. I appreciate your caring. Yes, I’ve tried manifesting (and am still trying) and just about everything else. Getting off the dating sites is something new for me, so we’ll see what that leads to…

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:05pm

  55. 55: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi, I don’t think I have much to offer about future conversations with your ex, but I think it might be helpful for you to dissect you text convo and see what you might change next time. Where were you leaning forward? Where were you explaining things you didn’t have to explain? Did the style you used have the effect you were desiring?

    I find it helpful to go into every conversation with the goal of keeping my boundaries and expressing my feelings…no expectations and no blaming. As far as I can tell, this is what Rori recommends and, though I’m new at this, these tools haven’t failed me yet.

    I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts after you’ve had a chance to go back to the conversation and ask yourself those questions.

    Hope you find this helpful. Other than that, just lean back and let him decide what he wants to do.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:15pm

  56. 56: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala –

    Well, I think my saying “you break my heart” and “you scare me” might have been better received if phrased as “I feel….”

    He totally could not hear it when I said, “When I open my heart to you….you leave me crying on the floor.”

    He called, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Bullsh!#.” So, clearly, that was not well received.

    I think it’s good that he’s as hurt and angry as he is about my being with someone else. Clearly, he’s in love with me, and that’s why it’s so upsetting to him.

    However, one of my concerns about him has always been his sexual repression. Rori said she would feel better about a guy who cheated on his ex than one who was celibate 4 year. Well — my guy was celibate for quite a while before we got together.

    He’s got issues around sex. He didn’t want it that often. I did. We’d have sex, and then he was totally out of the mood, and didn’t respond even much to sexual humor. It was 2 – 3 weeks between each time we had sex — even in the early stages. I’m a TOTALLY sexual creature — and that was really hard to handle.

    We may just totally not be a match on that level. I think he’s got some really deep repression issues that led him to say the ugly things he said later.

    I didn’t post them, cuz I’m kind of embarrassed about it.

    Thanks for the input. I’d be interested in your take on the convo. I have a thick skin and won’t get offended.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:26pm

  57. 57: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I like this.
    I am practacing letting go. Not necessarily finding “closeure” cause that’s a no no.
    But I don’t want to carry this anymore.
    No more.
    No more.
    I do not accept this behaviour.
    Me no likey.
    I had the idea that because B could act nicely with other people, he could with me too.
    And maybe he CAN.
    But I think he’s shown me he WONT.
    Even with tears in my eyes. He won’t.
    Even with a broken heart at a funeral. He won’t.
    I am trying to be open enough to feel surprised.
    But I don’t know if I can with him.
    I wish I was doing more CDing.

    I may be.
    I keep thinking that cding means dates.
    But that might not be true.
    I had a chat with judo man tonight.
    About the concept that people HAVE to act the way they do in the moments they are in. He says its a combo of neurochemistry and instinct.
    I said this idea made me sad, that I wanted to hope people could change thier behaviour.
    We skirted chaos theory and on and on.
    He said that the idea that people couldn’t help thier behaviour made him more forgiving.
    I said forgivness is something I am struggling with, that I have an appointment with my grief coucilor next week and I’m hoping he will have some tools for me on this.
    Then my computer went on the fritz, and I had to reboot.
    When I came back on line, he was gone.
    I feel like thats a rejection.
    Even though I am concious that this is just a story I tell myself.
    I feel some synchronicity.
    I tell a man what I am struggling with and he dissapears….seemingly. Either physically or emotionally with anger.
    I wonder if this a test of the universe, to see if I’m serious about a man who can hear my emotional stuff.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:35pm

  58. 58: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi, ithis situation makes my heart hurt for the both of you. Honestly, my take on the conversation might sound harsh, so I hope you accept my feedback in the spirit it is intended – to help us both learn a new way of communicating truth. Anyway:

    Him: I’m fine, thanks…are you having sex with your date? (This indicates that you may have texted him first…you may have put yourself in a ‘one down’ position by doing this. Also, his question is totally rude and disrespectful…even full of contempt in my perspective.)

    You: (paraphrasing) yes, you didn’t come for Christmas so I had sex with him. (That’s my interpretation…what you wrote seems to say, “you didn’t visit so I had sex with him to hurt you.” You stated that you don’t want to walk about a sexual relationship w another guy w him, but it was the first thing you did. You broke your own boundary and made yourself look like you gave it up to another guy for revenge. Not sayinmg that is really why you did, but that’s what it reads like.

    Your next comment to him sounded, not like a fact, but like a plea to be rescued from your pain. He responded that he ois in pain too. Instead of addressing his pain, you told him that you want him to aleviate your pain. He siad he would like to, but that you scare him and you went on the attack – blaming him for leaving, blaming him for breaking your heart, blaming him for having a friend in the city or accusing him of lying about the friend. It was destined to spiral.

    It might be helpful to ask yourself if the two of you “work” together and if the answer is “no” then let him go.

    :mmm there is so much more I could say, I think that’s because I see so much of my old, desperate self in what you are sharing. I’m recognizing my old tactics that didn’t work and feel sad. I hope you find this feedback helpful – and I could be totally offbase, but this is what I saw…basically it looked like you were trying to get something from him and when he didn’t take the bait, you went on the offense to try to make him feel bad. Does any of this resonate with you?

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:49pm

  59. 59: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Lilyflower, you sound so much like me. I’ve done that exact same thing more times than I can count. My number… well… I don’t want to think about it. It’s just a number. They were all experiences. I can choose to think badly about them or I can choose to see them as good experiences or even just plain ol’ experiences.

    Maybe take a look at the story you’re telling yourself about this experience. If he hurt you (as in forced you to have sex), that’s one thing. But if you wanted to THEN but are regretting it NOW, that’s an entirely different story. More like a lesson learned. Or something to consider the next time you’re in a similar situation. Ya know?

    It feels better to tell myself positive stories about situations rather than beating myself up with the negative ones (especially about the past because I can’t change it).

    What do you think?

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:52pm

  60. 60: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy, that is some serious synchronicity right there. I was just considering dropping off of OkCupid! Ha! And possibly POF. The action I’m getting on both is mediocre right now, and I’m DONE with that.

    Well the action seems to be the kind of action that is appealing in some regards (wink wink) but is not the total package I’m looking for now.

    I want the whole package (not just the one in his pants). LOL!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:55pm

  61. 61: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Re #42

    I got off of OKCupid for the same reason. I just got an icky vibe from most of the men. So many of them tried to bring up sex right away… I met one great guy on there, but the jury is still out on him. The rest were mostly 25 year old guys looking for cougars….

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:57pm

  62. 62: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    The universe is fcking with me.
    I decided to check my email before I went to bed.
    This is what I got.

    “I will try my best not to make you feel sad. Yes there were other sides to the story. You didn’t hear them because you were only with one side. I would have made time to speak with you but the time wasn’t right and I had lots to do.

    I will listen to your emotional stuff. Try to keep my family out of it. I know you don’t like all of them.

    I made ribs last night. They we so good I had to make more tonight. Fish and salad tomorrow. Wish I had someone to cook for.

    That is my update. Have a good night or day and I will talk to you later”

    Ok. So what am I supposed to do if his family IS my emotional stuff?
    I dont’ wanna be told what I Can and cannot be emotional about.
    I want a man who is ok with ALL my emotional stuff.
    Again….why tell me there is stuff going on but not tell me what that is?
    That makes me feel furious.
    That feels like he’s saying “you don’t have a right to be upset by what you saw…there was a good reason for what happened, but you just have to trust me that it IS a good reason.”
    No, I want to make up my own mind.

    This feels like a mind fck.
    I don’t like this.
    And I feel bad about him saying he wishes he had someone to cook for.
    We used to make fish and salad together.
    Is he saying he misses me?
    I feel tired.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 7:59pm

  63. 63: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Is there a tool for this.
    The no mind Fck tool?
    How does that work?
    I put a giant chastity belt on my head?
    Is that like a tinfoil hat?
    Cause I gots me one of those!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:05pm

  64. 64: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer,

    Can you make me one of those tinfoil hats while you’re at it? : )

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:15pm

  65. 65: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    I think there is some truth to the opinion that men who are serious about finding a real relationship are on the pay sites. Certainly, a guy just looking for sex or attention without investment doesn’t want to pay so goes to the free sites. There are a lot of men on the free sites who are just bored and want to IM and e-mail for all eternity. No thank you. Having said that, I have a first date Fri night with a man from POF who I really enjoyed talking on the phone with last night. I have no idea yet what he’s looking for. I’m looking at him as a date and practice, so far. But he’s sweet and funny and works for Microsoft. We have a lot in common and I felt a mind meld, which felt good. And I laughed a lot while talking to him. That’s why I stay on the site. There is a smaller percentage of men who are open and real.

    I do like the questions on Cupid and wish the pay sites had that feature. It feels great to see more clearly what someone is about while deciding whether to respond to their email. One man wrote to me who answered that he didn’t belive in monogamy. I felt great deleting him! And blocking him. Another guy wrote who was exploring polyamory. I felt curious and so allowed a phone call. His ex GF was into it and so he was exploring a philosophical shift towards it. I politely declined, using feeling messages. LOL

    My Match ends in 2 days. I’ve been debating. I think I’ll stay on it, too. There are definitely some quality men on it. Actually, I want to stay on all 3 of them for now, just as a gesture towards life, an intent that I am open and willing for a man to come into my life.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:21pm

  66. 66: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Simply Shannon! (60)…hahahahaha! Oh, the things (and the guys) I have done in my quest for the perfect “pants package!” Hell, I did it again Friday night, and I feel OK about it. He said, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I said “That would feel great,” but as I left, I realized I really did not care one way or another. And that felt GREAT in that moment.

    And on that same note LilyFlower (41), my number is soaring ever higher, and I’m kind of OK with that, as long as each one is MY choice and it’s safe. (I’m shocked at how many men are not safe and who do not insist on their own safety, but that’s probably another post.)

    Lily, hold your head high–so you had sex with the Barber. You’re a grown woman, and that was your prerogative. If you choose not to do it again, then that’s OK. If you choose to do it again, know what you want as you’re going into it, and allow yourself to be OK with it.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:29pm

  67. 67: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy I agree with you. The men ont the pay sites seem like they are more interested in finding something lasting.

    One of the dates I went out with from POF even said when he was on Match it was little more serious and he dated a girl for 2 years on there. My friend me her husband on a paid site too.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:37pm

  68. 68: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    @SS’s 18 & my own 6

    I found out my ex-husband had a serious addiction after marrying him. I knew just what to do. There was really no choice but to offer to support him if he was willing to get help in overcoming it and letting him know that I would walk otherwise, because I was not going to be able to accept it.
    This is what I would do if it happened again. I feel strongest when I know what I would do in a difficult situation. That way, I feel more secure in myself. I don’t invite pain, nor do I plan to tolerate a harmful addiction, but I feel good about knowing myself well enough to know how I would handle this if it came up again, just because we are all here learning and there are never any guarantees.
    I also try to be proactive and ask the difficult questions of a man early on. I’ve been amazed at how open men can be about their “stuff”. And having been through that marriage (very brief… he didn’t want to work on himself and I had to get my arse outta there) and the pain that it involved taught me that I can handle anything. Handling my current breakup is making me SO much stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. I love myself. I choose myself. I choose my own happiness and although I know so much more now about how to avoid painful relationships, I will go through as many men as it takes, divorces, breakups and heartaches as it takes until I find what I want. I completely hate the idea of wasting more time on a wrong man, but if I fell in love and gave myself to a man who had lied to me or evaded the truth about his “stuff” in order to get me, well, I can only do what I can do and if that didn’t keep me safe, then I’d get myself safe as soon as I found out and I’d be able to handle it.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:38pm

  69. 69: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer, what if this is B giving you a boundary? Ala, I don’t want to hear bad things about my family. (Which I can kind of understand. I wouldn’t want anyone talking bad about my family.) Maybe use this as feeling message practice, i.e. talking about an issue that’s coming up and making it only about you (even if the trigger is his family).

    I don’t know all the background and I’m removed from the situation but when I read “the time wasn’t right and I had lots to do”, that has me feeling open, like he’s willing to discuss it but not right now. Reminds me of Rori’s suggestion that we say “I’ve got something on my mind. Do you have time to talk about it?” and the guy responds with “I want to talk to you but not right now”. That would feel bad in the moment but I respect that and trust that he’ll let me know when he’s ready to talk.

    As to the “fish and salad” comment, I would definitely be choosing to believe that he’s referring to me and misses me. Hands down would choose the positive story.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:56pm

  70. 70: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Sirens,

    Here is something for us all :) The Beautiful South…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttuA1UEUAI0&feature=player_embedded#
    I feel smiley :)

    Warm hugs,

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 8:58pm

  71. 71: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy, I too found out about a serious addiction after marriage. I realize now all the signs were there beforehand. I just didn’t want to see it. Or rather, I was so busy getting drunk right along with him that I barely noticed he had a drinking problem. When I stopped (while trying to get preggars), he kicked it up a notch.

    I choose to see a man clearly now. I choose to open up my eyes, ears, all my spidey senses and my heart when I’m with a man.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 9:03pm

  72. 72: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    jennifer, i had exactly the same impressions as shannon… everything she wrote… <3

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 9:05pm

  73. 73: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    Found out a friend I haven’t seen in about 12m is using the same dating site as I am! We are comparing notes and fellas. I’m feeling so much better about this, not so alone, and great about reconnecting with an old friend.

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:33pm

  74. 74: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi,

    what you said about him being sexually repressed… um that would be all I needed to know for it to be a deal breaker for me. I lived in a loveless marriage the last few years sex was about a 3 month wait each time. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be worrying about repairing a relationship with a guy that didn’t even desire me.

    I personally feel that is one area where compatibility is important. He doesn’t have to be great in ability as long as his desire is there cuz the rest can be discovered along the way.

    The lack of desire on his part may eventually make you feel rejected. I know it sure as hell did me. My self esteem was at an all time low when I finally gave up on him.

    Something to think about.

    Summerbaby

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:44pm

  75. 75: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Me, too, Shannon and I don’t think there is much we would miss, having been educated by our experiences and having honed our spidey senses the way that we have. :)

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:48pm

  76. 76: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    A 2nd potential CD called last night. It felt great talking with him. Today, he e-mailed saying he was wondering what I like to do for fun. I stewed, because I don’t want an e-mail relationship. I want real men in my real life. So finally, tonight I replied and said, “It feels so good that you want to know me better and I feel nervous saying this because I don’t want that to change, but it would feel so much better and more fun to talk about that over the phone or in person. After all, we form dating relationships in search of a deeply personal, satisfying relationship and e-mail just feels, well, too impersonal.” He called 15 minutes after I sent it and set a date for Sat. night. Success!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 10:53pm

  77. 77: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy @ 76, great job.

    Lots of women make guys go through email gymnastics before agreeing to meet. They worry they will appear predatory – I have been told this by guys.

    So good for you for letting him know right away. I like how you said it too.

    Summerbaby

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 11:06pm

  78. 78: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi!

    Tuesday, 1 February 2011 @ 11:31pm

  79. 79: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori.

    I’ve been reading a few of your articles lately, and I am intrigued by this whole circular dating idea, especially since I can’t say I would give this advice to (my) readers.

    I respect that your advice relates directly to doing what’s good for US, for us women…for us to feel good, etc….but, here’s my theory:

    Dating is about Me.

    Relationship is about You (the other person) and US.

    The problem with all of this is that it simply doesn’t change the way we’ve been brought up (it’s still a take or ‘give and take’ mentality).

    We have to be courageous enough to give to the other person.

    Now, I am not 100% familiar with your work so I want you to understand that I am saying this from what I’ve gleamed from your work:

    The problem is that it seems as though you’re not encouraging women to care more. I believe relationships work out when we’re giving (first to ourselves, obviously, otherwise we have nothing to give to others).

    the PROBLEM is that this cicu;ar dating strategy allows a woman to seek her ‘self confidence’ and ‘sanity’ from outside sources.

    What will happen if she has the ring on her finger? What happens AFTER marriage?

    Where will she get her self-confidence from then?

    Where does all this go?

    I get that this helps a woman feel radiant, however, it’s such a difficult situation to be in (as I can see from many of the women who comment here detailing their difficulties with circular dating).

    Hmm. Anyway, that just wafted out of me so it may not make 100% sense but hopefully you understand my point.

    Thanks :)

    Renee.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:35am

  80. 80: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. – I LOVE that women can talk so openly here about their feelings. Sometimes, not even my best girlfriends are that ‘feeling’ oriented.

    It’s so wonderful! :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:39am

  81. 81: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Renee,

    I’ll speak for myself. I have been over-giving all my life, to the point where my well-being and happiness were suffering. Just to give you an idea, I’ve been corresponding with men in prison for 22 years. Most of that time, I’ve been in a romance with one of those men, just waiting for them in a long distance relationship.

    Giving is my middle name. I am learning how to care for myself. I am learning that I matter. I am learning how to love myself from the inside, thru visualizations and doing things that build me up, such as writing my healing here on the blog, and forging healthy friendships with other women.

    I could say more but it’s very late and I’m tired.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:43am

  82. 82: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    So confused, i just split up from an 11 year relationship. My ex was a manic depressive for the past 8 years. i recently realised that i have carried him all that time, in everyway possible. i hadn’t realised that had emotional drained my to the point where i didn’t love him anymore. Now i have left and i’m trying not to worry for him. As hard as this all is theres another side to the story. During the last 2 years of the relationship i’ve been in contact with another guy. He only contacted via text or email as i never wanted my partner to find out. During that time i got totally addicted to him, he was my lifeline in a difficult situation and put up with a lot of panicked texts and worry. I still haven’t seen him. When he heard of the split he said now you tell me, and now he hardly emails me. I still want to see him, but should i just let him go….i know he is addicted to women. No idea want to do..

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:24am

  83. 83: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s hitting me.

    Why am I here? Because I like the excitement and safety of being with a man that seems cool to me… I feel worthy in front of other people with him.

    I feel like I can be aloof and self absorbed that I am proud like my man is proud and carries himself in a way that says this man has high self esteem this is a proud person.

    And in public I feel safe – I feel like a celebrity, I feel above judgement .

    That’s why I’m here.

    Would i rather be here than not ?

    I’d – maybe – rather not, cuz im fAntasizing and ‘ waiting ‘ for a guy who calls me once in a blue moon and stands me up. And it might feel better to not be stuck on him and be open to another man even a ‘cool’ man that I can tell is Regal to show up.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:31am

  84. 84: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    From Rori

    What’s important here is:

    3.  What you do when you get triggered – do you avoid and resist the painful feelings, or doyou sink into them and go THROUGH them to the other side?
    If you RESIST, nothing will change within you internally.  
    You will reinforce your stuck place, AND you will feel even MORE pain – because the pain is in the Resistance.
    If you choose to SINK INTO the feelings and go through them (The way I walk you through in many of my programs…) you will then need to…

    4. …Rest.  You have to rest because your body, mind, spirit and heart will be Regrouping and Reorganizing. 
    Resting, Regrouping and Reorganizing takes the time it takes, and each of us has to learn to get in touch with how this part of the cycle works.
    Now…here’s where you get to decide some things:

    5. How do you choose to go through this process of  Something Happening, Getting Triggered, and Resting?
    Do you wish to be ACTIVE or PASSIVE about getting triggered?
    In other words, do you want to PUSH yourself forward, or do you want to SIT BACK and see what happens?
    No matter what – SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.  
    You WILL get triggered. 
    The only difference is in what YOU CHOOSE to get triggered by, and how active and specific you want to be.

    NOT doing something is not RESTING.
     
    Even if you lock yourself in at home, you will get Triggered.  
    You will go through the cycles over and over again every time you THINK of something that triggers you.

    And here’s where curing an addiction to love and certain kinds of men differs from curing an addiction to alcohol or drugs.
    We know what a drug is. 
    We know what alcohol is.  
    You know when you go into a bar there will be alcohol there.  
    You know when you go to a party with the old friends you used to do drugs with – there will be drugs there. 
    And you know what those drugs look like.
    You can say yes or no to something concrete. 

    But men are different. 
    It takes skill and practice to tell a man who’s a bad drug from a man who’s a good guy. 
    It takes practice getting in touch with your own feelings. 
    Living is an art. 
    And like the art of acting or music, you cannot learn how to be with men without practicing. 
    Without actually DOING the acting scenes and playing the music.

    Tiger Woods could not redo his entire golf swing (a major, major undertaking) without practicing the new swing over and over and over again – and experiencing how drawn he would be to the old swing. 
    Staying away from his golf clubs would not have helped, because the response in his body to picking up a golf club is to swing it in a certain, old way. 
    He has to retrain his body to swing.

    And most all women have been swinging wrong.
      What we consider “dating” and relationship can actually be, as Allana had said here also – an addiction, and not relationship at all. 
    We have taught ourselves to NOT be authentic and NOT to feel in the presence of a man.

    So – we can either go to work, the market, and stay home (and this is all after the “Rest” period – which could take anywhere from hours to days  – and your Rest and Regroup and Reorganization process will go faster and faster every time you go through these cycles if you go INTO the feelings instead of RESIST them)-

    - Or you can force yourself to get Triggered in both – yes – ARTIFICIAL situations (Speed Dating, Online Dating) – and also organic situations (lectures and workshops and classes and stores that interest YOU, and feel good to YOU), and use ALL those situations to use my Tools and my Flirting and Circular Dating techniques to learn – as fast as you can – while still HONORING your need to REST.

    In other words – Dating and Circular Dating is Free Therapy. 
    This is not about “distracting” yourself from your pain and hurt.
    This is not about finding your dream man.

    What this is about is working through your addictions in the presence of the drug, until youlearn which man will ENCOURAGE your addiction – and which man will help you detox, soyou know which to avoid and which to let in.

    This is on-the-job training. 
    This is learn-as-you-go. 
    This has nothing to do with finding Mr. Right.
    This has everything to do with helping YOU feel Right with YOU.
    And from there – you can have EVERYTHING you want.

    We can talk more and more about this, and about what “Resting” uniquely means for you, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Love, Rori

    written by Rori Raye •
    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/dating-stops-relationship-hurt/
    Thursday, 30 October 2008 @ 2:14pm

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:34am

  85. 85: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What is the deal I’m accepting?

    I’m accepting mentally energetic spending on fantasizing about a mam that is not showi g up, so that I can get that it’s impotmrtant for me to feel safe and Regal and feel like that with/about my man. – maybe

    But all men will do Sonething lame or embarrassing?

    They won’t be flawless pheromonic Regal gods all of the time. Hmm.

    What is it that I want. That feeling of superiority with him out in the world.

    Superiority hides… Safety pleasure attention importance. Aha. Hmm. I like this search about me.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:36am

  86. 86: A married womanNo Gravatar says:

    One word, “Grateful!”.

    Rori, this post is exactly what I need to hear/read NOW. So, thank you. This is also something I am working on. It’s not always about YOU (even though this doesn’t sound good). It’s REALLY not always about YOU. He, is who is he. He does what he does. If it’s not you, he’d still be HE, with someone else. He does it no matter who he is with. That’s just him. It’s part of his character, personality, demeanor, the way he “rolls”. It’s really not always about you, so DON’T take it PERSONALLY. I have to keep reminding myself lately about this.

    Rori, what you wrote here echoes with what I have been realizing. I used to take everything my husband does personally. When he is doing something he loves to do, web surfing, hanging with his peeps, pursuing his wellness by spending money on classes and training, I used to feel sad and get into a bad mood because he wasn’t hovering around me to take care of me and making me happy. However, one day, I realized that happiness really comes from within if just accept the way he is and be normal about it. One time, instead of waiting for him to come to me and becoming moody and even depressed when he didn’t in my time frame, I went and sat next to him after he’d been surfing online for a while, I would be like our dogs, cuddle up next him and find comfort there (notice I didn’t initiate anything here, still leaned back in spirit). He sensed my softness and touched me as he would petting our dogs and reached his lips to mine and kissed me for a while. All the sudden, I got our of the sadness, anger, and depression and got what I needed. Between staying alone and being sour and sad and angry, I chose to be feminine and cuddly. By taking a different move, I tasted the good feelings instead of old depressing moods.

    I don’t want to ignore the title here about “cheating”. There are some things, we just can’t tolerate in our lives. For some people, it’s violence; for others, it’s cheating; then for some people, it’s anger… Notice, these are all things that make relationships difficult. That been said, everyone has their own mechanism to work through these to make decisions. I always remind myself to learn to work with it and sort out my feelings toward these types of difficult situations and how to deal with them. It’s not alway black and white. Life can be complicated, so are your skills to with it, they can be bountiful.

    Important practices to be sure to do in order to know what is right for you is to know your own feelings and deeply accept them. Rori is the master at teaching this. I am now still benefiting from her teaching on this from a year ago. Meditations on finding your center is so very important. Making yourself happy by doing that list of things that make you happy is very important. Most of all, lighten up!

    Hugs and love,
    A Married woman

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:40am

  87. 87: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol I think addicted to u meant just that.

    Siren stuff gets him addicted to me oh yes.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:49am

  88. 88: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    How come some men seem intrinsically cooler? Like even if they were persecuted u can sense their dignity?

    And what does that give me?

    A feeling of worthyness? Of importance because he’s important?

    Safety? That I’m always ‘right’ even if judged cuz I have dignity?

    Thrill of being seen As intrinsically self esteeming.

    Hmmm

    I mostly feel a thrill and also a nervousness, insecurity… Am I good enough?

    And also a pride and safety in public… In w the cool guy, so whatever I do I’ll be cool by association.

    I’d like to learn about this pattern for me.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:15am

  89. 89: LuLuNo Gravatar says:

    I feel more relief after reading this post and comments. My situation is messy and I almost kill myself on last Christmas, want to share of my story.

    I met a African at tagged.com 2 years ago, he told me he is married with 3 boys, at the beginning we just chat and share some thoughts, he starts to approach me and ask if I could be his girl friend, I reject at the spot coz I dont want to ruin a family and deep down I know its not right, however, he keep chasing me and I fall for him 6 months later, he is running a trading company in china and am living in Hong kong, he keep brain washing me that although he is married, he loves me and wanted me to be with him, as he didnt have the visa to Hong Kong, so I went to China to meet him, I was thinking if we dont have connection, then I will leave home and nothing going to be happened, when I first saw him, my heart is pounding and so does he, he hold my hands and we had our first dinner and then we have a sweet night, stick together 3 days, and then we maintain the 2-3 days trip once a month, it last for 14 months, what until this Christmas……I had confirmed with him more than 1 time that whether we will be together in Christmas he said YES, so I started to plan for the trip…after the November trip he starts to call less and not even reply my texts, when I went crazy, he said he was back from a business trip and need to rest, he then off from me for 3 more days, I called him on 20 Dec night and he told me he is at the airport ON-HIS-WAY-HOME, i was totally shock and donno how to response, just cry over the phone and asked him if we will not be together this Christmas, he then cut my phone…. I was totally collapes and think of suicide on Christmas, coz I was mad, I was mad about him and I want him to regret for what he had done, luckily a friend of mine call and we had a chat and I calm myself down. Needless to say he did not call when he was in Africa, when he was with wife and children, I did not know when he will be back. I left message on MSN and he replied he felt sorry and I should have know he had a family and he is already stay away from them for 2 years but i am just only 2 months, so dont think he is going to leave me…..I am not mad about him going home, I mad he left without a word, is totally disrespectful, I know I am a mistress but I am not a miserable woman, but this time he had crushed our relationship with his own hands, he is hurting a person who he claimed he cherish the most, but this is not what I feel…..anyway..I am wrong, I made a mistake to being with a married man, I will treat this as a lesson and move on.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:31am

  90. 90: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    SS…..
    Luv ya sista girl.
    Here’s the mind fck part.
    He ALWAYS said….”I was gonna” or “the situation didn’t allow”
    so for example. “It was too busy to introduce you to my friends at military graduation” after introducing his parents.
    “I was gonna get you a ring but you left me before I had a chance” after 6 years together.
    And as for the not giving me all the info…
    This triggers me hella huge.
    He did this to me all the time.
    Cause he thinks that if I don’t have the info I can’t get mad.
    So just don’t tell me you openened another account at the bank.
    Just don’t tell me you applied for military housing.
    Just don’t tell me you’ve been chatting other women online…..
    This is where I get really super duper pissed.
    I don’t trust him to give me all the info….he’s famous for with holding.
    I don’t trust him to talk to me about it later….cause he hasn’t historically.
    I’m on the fence between “the universe is brininging me this pattern again so I can work through it.”
    and
    “the universe is bringing me this pattern so I can learn to walk away from it”

    I dunno what to do.
    I didn’t sleep for sh!t last night.
    I am sooo tense today.
    Should I try to feeling message this?
    I don’t know where to even begin…..
    I don’t think… “I feel hella pissed I want to smack your face” is appropriate here.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:53am

  91. 91: archerieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jen ,

    I am so sorry you feel this bad.
    I am wondering if you can do a Stop Sign on this ..
    its a rumination, a cycling looping nasty voice thought
    all about what he should and shouldnt do and how things should and shouldnt be.

    I feel your pain because this comes on top of grief, acute and strong. And that underlines the other losses.

    If you can STOP , put your eyes up right and hold it for 5 seconds , then tell yourself grief is ok, it can be there , its not you and you arent it.

    And then read this post agian.
    This man is just being AS HE IS .
    In all his imperfection.
    Its your response to him , that is what is hurting .
    Your expecting and wishing and wanting and hoping for him to be otherwise.

    and for him its “just the way he rolls” .

    Can you accept that?
    Than make your choice of what would feel better for you .
    Can you do that?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:22am

  92. 92: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Archerie…….
    No. I cannot accept this.
    I get stuck cause this is how he rolls with ME.
    Other people he doesn’t do this with.
    I am working through the confusion.
    the circular thinking……..less fun than circular dating let me tell you.
    Thanks for the support.
    It is how he rolls … with me.
    I don’t want a man who rolls like this with me.
    Maybe just saying “I don’t wan’t this regardless of the idea that you could be different” IS working through this
    I dont’ NEED to understand this. I dont need to have the reason behind the variant in the behaviour pattern.
    This is not work.
    Stop.
    I want to feel good
    I want to feel safe
    I want to feel I have the info I need.
    I want to find a man who says he will talk it about it later….and then does.
    I want a man who gives me the whole story…no hidden spots.
    I don’t think I’m strong enough to be able to say “I dont have all the info…and that’s ok”
    I want a man with a different behaviour pattern.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:37am

  93. 93: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Wait.
    ok
    this isn’t a variant
    this is part of the pattern
    Unhappy making behaviour toward me isn’t a variant in an otherwise acceptable pattern.
    It is it’s own pattern.

    Stupid brain.

    He is working his pattern.
    this is his pattern.

    OMG! I’m like dense and stuff.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:58am

  94. 94: SamNo Gravatar says:

    Hi my name is Sam and I could do with a bit of advice. This is a long one so bear with me:

    While going through a divorce I met a guy when I wasnt interested he just came though the door of my office one day, I was going through caos with my ex and fighting for my kids whom I was granted custody!!!! Well this guy was cool and calm even though his bank hadnt made a transfer he just shrugged we got chatting and he then called me two days later asking if I had time between work and kids would I like to go out. We ended up staying to together on and off for three years. He has helped me in so many ways helped with court fees to keep kids was at court for me then we moved in together. The troubles began with me I have never been jealous before even when my ex cheated on me I got on with my life and kids. Then he asks me to find a bill online cause he lives overseas for two months as a Contractor. His messanger came on and all these girls show up messages calling him sexy and him calling them the same, so many exs. It wasnt the fact that he was in touch but that he never told me always said he was not on line or on face book even thought I was. Then his ex who he has a kid by says shes dying he wont see the kid again and so he ends up spending every moment chatting and sorting her out which I totally understood and then his ex wife starts up whom he has kids by so again I step back and ignore. But what was the final straw was I had cancer I was sick and all of a sudden he never found time to contact me or see how I was just constantly on line to his exs which I let go. But then his ex girfriends start joining facebook and saying hi and he starts spending so much time saying hi to them and to his ex and ex wife while Im at home seein
    him online but not chatting to me. Then I see him asking girls for their pics sending them pics and I leave because I am fed up of being there but him being elsewhere. He says Im so jealous and we dont talk for a year. ( His ex girlfriend is no longer dying and enjoying extra money by this time) Anyway he gets in touch asks if we can have coffe I say ok he starts taking me out to dinner ans then tells me he never got over me that all these exs are just friends and im only one he wants. Before he goes back overseas we agree to try again he texts me every day and says hi and is sweet and kind but forever on with his exs is this natural is it me being jealous im very confused.
    We were engaged and lived to gether and I did have all his passwords (his insistance not mine) which this time I wont allow due to personal boundries.

    I am trying to be cool and go with this as I love him very much but I always have icky gut feeling its not just me despite him saying.

    I had a miscarrage a year ago with him and he wanted me to abort it as he said he didnt want anymore kids who he will hardly see that hurt at the time and was a reason we broke up.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:12am

  95. 95: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Sam,

    I cannot advise you. I can only tell you MY boundaries in such a situation. I always go with my gut. Icky gut feelings IMHO should not be ignored. There are other men who actually focus on the present relationship and not the 15 that went on before while they are with you.

    In the end it’s your choice.

    Summerbaby

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:49am

  96. 96: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Did You Know:

    A 15-year-long study found that a person’s happiness level before marriage was the best predictor of happiness after marriage. In other words, marriage won’t automatically make one happy.

    Source: John M.Gottman

    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In The Relationship

    I hear from hundreds of women each month who tell me the following: “It was going so great between us. He was calling me every day and saying how much he cared for me. He was even talking about having a future together, and then he suddenly got cold. He said he didn’t know why, but
    something just didn’t seem right. He said it wasn’t me that it was him. Now he claims he isn’t sure about us anymore and wants to take a break. I feel like I’m losing my mind – help!”

    Can you relate to this woman? Even if this hasn’t happened to you personally, it’s terrifying to imagine the man you love suddenly acting cold and detached from you. Some women comfort themselves with the thought, “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    Here’s the good news, you can not only arouse but also maintain his passion for you by understanding what he needs, instead of giving him what he thinks he wants. During the first 6 months of a relation-ship, do you know what a man really needs? What’s your guess – passion, fun or unlimited sex? Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time
    with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    The women that hold a hypnotic hold over men know this fact well. They don’t consider it “game playing” or beneath themselves, because they have one goal in mind. They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice. You can become this woman.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:56am

  97. 97: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Re 52 Lisi says “Me: I didn’t know you would ever come back, & when u did, u left in 24 hrs & made no commitments. You break my heart. And you scare me. And, when I open my heart to you, you say, “you have a friend in CITY” & leave me crying on the floor.”

    These comments can be perceived as very blameful Rori teaches to take the “you” out of the statements and focus on what we are feeling. When blamed people naturally feel that they have to defend themselves. Also in my humble opinion it is not good sharing details about relationships with other guys, they really don’t want to hear it. I would recommend flipping it around by saying something like “do you really want to go there, because I feel you might not want to share your history on that” or something to that effect.

    If he is angry I would assume he will want to stew in that for a while. As human beings we stay angry for a couple of days and at times we even eventually forget what were angry or arguing about. It would be great if you could lean back with no contact and no thinking about him until he comes back to you. I feel he will be curious to find out if you still love him. Guys like to win so at times IMHO they need to compete with other guys for me.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:22am

  98. 98: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 82 LuLu it is not clear what you want from the situation?? Are you just writing here to process your feelings and move on? Have you thought about what you will do when he contacts you in the future?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:29am

  99. 99: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 56 Lisi I have seen a post where Rori recommends we ask ourselves if we really want to be with a man whose sex drive is below ours. She also says that sex is the first thing that goes when there is underlying anger so it might be helpful to ask “are you angry? Is there anything we can do about it?”.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:31am

  100. 100: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Eternity #73:

    I relate to feeling happy being reconnected with an old friend…:)

    To me, sharing info about men you both see on the site…sounds like gossiping and it may keep you from making your own assessment…Is like seeing the “dress” through someone else’s lenses…Rori encourages us to stay away from the gossip…

    I often use this site for venting/riffing … It feels good and safe having more experienced Sirens guide me through the process…of realizing “happy ever after”…

    Thinking of my pre-Rori era, I was easily influenced by other people’s opinions, comments…I was even seeking it…As a result, I was often in a state of confusion…

    Now, I understand that “gossip” is external noise that keeps me from connecting with my own self and learning to trust my feelings…and thus my instincts in making the right decision for ME…

    What do you think?

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:47am

  101. 101: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Re 37 Lilyflower “feel so bad because I wasn’t ready”. Lillyflower I would ask myself again “was I really not ready”? Sometimes in my head I am not ready but in my body, my feelings and my heart I am ready. Is there any reason to feel bad or is it just shame because “I think” I was not ready? Was I sending off vibes that I was ready or at least open to the possibility?

    I say no need to feel bad, I was responding in the moment though it might not have been the best thing for me, it is done. I cherish the memory of the experience. You will get there, sex is a precious experience for me that I want to share with someone special but sometimes …………. Most of us have been there.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:49am

  102. 102: JenNo Gravatar says:

    Is very helpful

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:52am

  103. 103: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Loneplum#84:

    Thank you for sharing the letter :) It was just what I needed to read this morning :)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:08am

  104. 104: LuLuNo Gravatar says:

    RE 98: Femininewoman:

    thought he is not back to town yet, I dropped him a note to say byee, I know is not right to be with a married man, I am not complaint how I have been treated, I just want to share my story and hope other wont make the same mistake as mine. My dad is seriously ill, he is suffering from end-stage cancer, I want to contribute more of my time to the family.

    If he back to me, I will not take it, I just cannot.

    Is good he left, coz it gives me time to review my faults

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:25am

  105. 105: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori sent this email I thought might be good here. It is about closure

    A man can usually smell a “game” a mile away.
    (Actually, almost all of us can sense when someone we’re with has low self-esteem but is PRETENDING to be confident.) So a “game” only works for a little while. The qualities of this ideal of a “real, worthwhile” woman most men have in their brains (yes, even the “nerds” have the same ideal of a hard-to-get, much-in-demand woman) can’t be bought or “pretended.” You can’t do it with clothes and hair and makeup (just look at some of the wealthy, gorgeous, famous women out there who have just as much trouble in relationships as we do), it has to come from INSIDE you. That’s why therapy and counseling and self- help books are so popular – we all KNOW that strength and confidence have to come from inside us – but it seems like an impossible task.
    And yet, confidence is not impossible at all!
    I know that if I did it – and I was once total jelly inside (so mushy I worked hard to adapt myself to any man I liked – I tried to become what HE wanted instead of even having a clue about who I was MYSELF) – then I know you can, too!
    It’s a step-by-step, Tool-by-Tool process, and it doesn’t have to take years – it can take days.
    You’ll be surprised what a little understanding, a truckload of my easy Tools, and just a tiny bit of bravery – way less than I KNOW you have already – can do to transform your love life.
    Here’s a new Tool to help you with this whole trick of NEVER letting a man be SO important to your well-being that HE comes first.
    Let’s call this Tool: NO CLOSURE.
    Well, first, what’s “Closure”?
    Closure ISN’T what we usually think of it as – that “final” knowing that a relationship is over, and finally getting to say EVERYTHING that’s been on your mind, get it out and have him hear it.
    Closure can simply be having the final word in a simple conversation.
    It can be about “owing” what time he’s picking you up, or knowing if he’ll ever call, or knowing what will happen next week.
    And Closure is the thing we try to get about all these things that leave us feeling uncertain.
    It’s that feeling of “If I could just know for sure…”
    The thought that you NEED to have the “final” word. That you need to be “heard.”
    And this Tool is so you forget all about those things.
    I want you to forget about EVER getting Closure – about anything.
    Forget about ever understanding anything completely, or getting everything you want to say out on the table, or finally feeling heard and understood by HIM.
    The need for Closure is what drives us to try to control every moment in our lives.
    So what would it be like if you never got any Closure?
    I know it sounds awful.
    We want to hear from his lips crystal clear exactly where we stand and exactly what he’s thinking and feeling, and exactly what’s going on.
    But the problem is, HE might not even know!
    A man may value you so much that he doesn’t want to lose you from his life, but he doesn’t know exactly what to do to keep you.
    The only thing any of us have to go on is what’s actually happening RIGHT NOW, and how it FEELS. So…
    1. Imagine feeling as though a man doesn’t exist in your life unless he’s right in front of you.
    Now…
    2. Imagine your OWN “Degree of Difficulty” being really, really HIGH.
    ***I fully explain and guide you through getting a High Degree of Difficulty in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and for now I’ll just define it here as: How hard a man has to work to get you and keep you.
    This is not about being “High Maintenance” and “Dramatic.”
    This is not about you being so busy that you don’t have time for a man.
    This is not about you pretending not to care, or deliberately not answering calls or playing the “game” of “hard-to-get.”
    It’s about you actually BEING a sought after woman, who all men find attractive and interesting – pretty much by just BELIEVING you are!
    So – your degree of difficulty is directly related to your real self-confidence, and that’s what we’re going to raise by this “No Closure” Tool.
    No Closure is about never putting a “finish” on things.
    Never asking for a “finish,” or a “wrap-up” or a “de-briefing” or even a “clear understanding.”
    It’s about letting go of conversations, letting go of phone calls, letting go of ever hearing from him again, letting go of trying to figure out what that “look in his eye” meant, or what those things he said to you “really meant” or any of that.
    And because not asking for, looking for, expecting, or getting Closure is something we are SO uncomfortable with and unused to – NO CLOSURE requires one major thing.
    It requires that you -
    3. Listen to and trust YOURSELF.
    This means – listen to and trust your FEELINGS.
    So, go ahead and imagine right now that YOU are EXPENSIVE – meaning you have High VALUE, a High Degree of Difficulty, and you’re very hard to get – NOT because you’re “difficult to be with,” but because you ALWAYS go with your FEELINGS.
    What would that look like?
    Well, let’s say it’s something simple.
    He hasn’t called in three days, the weekend is coming up, and you don’t have a date with him yet.
    You check your cellphone to make sure he didn’t leave a message, you check your email to make sure he didn’t leave a message.
    Now what?
    Well, you can imagine what’s going on in your head.
    “He’s in an accident. He forgot. He tried to call but couldn’t get through. He has family issues. Things are rough at work. He’s overwhelmed by the idea of a relationship. Something’s wrong. He’s dumping me…”
    You could probably go on for hours on just this one thing.
    So, what’s the No Closure thing to do?
    The “No Closure” thing to do is to…
    4. DO NOTHING.
    That means – not try to piece it together, or understand it, or make sense of it, or put a lid on your feelings, or send him good thoughts, or ANYTHING.
    So – how do you do that?
    Practice.
    Start by practicing No Closure in small ways in small moments.
    Let’s say he glazes over for a second while you’re talking, or he forgets about you while he’s watching the ball game on TV and drinking beer in the recliner.
    Let’s say he hasn’t told you he loves you yet, though you’ve said it to him.
    Instead of assuming that he doesn’t care, or worrying about what he’s thinking, what if you just turned your attention ELSEWHERE?
    I know that when you’re all bound up in a man, there doesn’t seem to BE an elsewhere – but there really, truly is.
    Every man out there – and there are SO MANY – is a possible “Elsewhere.”
    Think of the possibilities.
    If every man out there is looking for a woman with some “degree of difficulty,” what can you do to raise yours?
    Closure is something we want when we have NO degree of difficulty.
    When we have a High Degree of Difficulty, we believe the truth – that…
    5. We have Choices!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 8:16am

  106. 106: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lulu take care of yourself, focus on your family. Your dad needs your love now.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 8:19am

  107. 107: marinaNo Gravatar says:

    Praying for Egypt…. Mubarak, only you can stop the bloodshed by leaving, NOW!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:03am

  108. 108: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala –

    Thank you for the honest feedback. I owe my career to a class at University where everyone critiqued my writing, and one wrote a formal critique each week. That class improved me more than any other — and that’s why I’m here on the blog — to improve.

    First, there’s always stuff you don’t know, so I’ll clear up a couple of misconceptions:

    1. He initiated the conversation. He had been wanting me to stop dating, but didn’t want to commit, so I’d been in “lean back mode” for a couple of days.

    2. Can you tell me more about why you thought his question was rude, disrespectful and contemptful? We had sex when he was here for the week end. To my mind — one sexual partner has the right to ask another if they have other partners — even if they’re using condoms. It’s awkward for me, and I DEFINITELY was not going to tell him I had slept with someone else before I saw him again. To me, that would have been a manipulative move. My other relationship exists as a separate entity — not a ploy.

    3. I didn’t want to see my comments as an attack — but I think you’re right here. What I want him to know — without attacking — is that every time he withdraws, I move on. When he decided to stay home by himself instead of come for Christmas, I gave up on him. That’s when I gave myself permission to move forward in another relationship — which had gotten to that point.

    When he came and stayed, I felt hope again. I felt so deeply in love with him, and that week end was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. He felt like he was so in love with me, too. And, had he said that he wanted to move forward with me — I would have dropped the other relationship.

    But, he sat on the floor of my bedroom and said that, when he thinks about me, he thinks he’s not ready to be the man I need. He said he hopes someday to be ready for a relationship.

    So, I took him at his word. And I continued living my life, which included having sex again with my other guy.

    4. “You have a friend in CITY” is something he says to me. He gets close physically and emotionally, and then puts me back in friend zone. At Christmas, when he decided not to come, he sent me an email that said, “You have a friend in CITY.” I answered back, “You have a friend in MY CITY,” and then didn’t contact him again.

    It does not refer to him having another sexual relationship. In fact, he told me he hadn’t had sex since the last time with me in early September.

    I guess my answer to, “do we work?” is “sometimes.”

    We work better than my old relationships, and I’m trying to find new ways of communicating that are healthier, whether with him or someone else.

    I don’t think I wanted to make him feel bad, so much as I want him to see that his withdrawal has consequences. And the consequence of his withdrawal is that I move on — not that I am waiting for him.

    I used to take the crumbs from this guy, so this is a big shift for me and for us.

    No, I’m wanting “closure” and found the email from Rori quite timely. We haven’t spoken since his last text to me on Sunday. I didn’t respond, haven’t since, and haven’t heard from him. It’s really hard for me to leave it like this.

    I want comfort. I want to comfort him. We’re both hurt and upset and angry. It’s hard.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:22am

  109. 109: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Oops

    “Now I’m wanting closure.”

    Not “No”

    typo

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:24am

  110. 110: lilyflowerNo Gravatar says:

    @SS and @SLV

    To clarify, no he did not physically hurt me. The sex was ok, not great. Mostly because I can’t really have a good time in bed unless I am 100% comfortable, which I wasn’t. I’m sure you ladies can relate to that.

    He called this morning. I was groggy and sleepy but a feeling message came out without my even trying (!) “I feel sort of ignored and neglected the last few days. It doesn’t feel good and it turns me off.”
    He responded by saying that my feelings are important to him and that the “last thing on earth I want to do is turn you off”….so we’re getting somewhere. Baby steps. Thanks for your support everyone and sorry for the late reply.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:28am

  111. 111: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    WaveMan (500 miles, 3 dates in 4 months) was texting about porridge today, and in a humorous sort of way was comparing himself to porridge. I texted back ‘Warming and sustaining?!”

    He just replied with “I’d like to warm and sustain you. Chance would be a fine thing.”

    I’m not sure if his second sentence translates well across the pond. It means something you would like, but think unlikely to happen.

    I feel rather warmed by this reply, actually, but do I just send this? I could just text, “I feel rather warmed to hear this.”

    BUT, I’m beginning to feel quite worried, because I feel I should address some issues here. Not Siren-like at all, as far as I can tell. There is the issue of him living 500 miles away, and (though this has never been discussed), as far as I can guess, there is plenty to keep him there, and I don’t imagine he would move.

    AND, there is the issue that there is not going to be any real warming and sustaining just by text, phone, and a date every one to two months.

    I feel worried HE is getting into an imaginary relationship, and I don’t want to lead him on. And I feel every so slightly worried that I could get drawn into an imaginary relationship as well. At the moment he is one among the few in my small rotation . . . and I have a date with ZenMan on Saturday.

    I’m asking myself how to text back, how to be authentic in feeling messages, how to stay open to him, in CD terms, and how not to close down. I do quite like him. There is no reason to dump him, and go for closure now . .

    So I’m trying out a few ideas here”

    How can I be authentic without pouring cold water all over him?

    “I feel rather warmed hearing this . . . but would feel better to be warmed and sustained when I can see your eyes . . and hear your voice . .”

    “I feel warm hearing this. But feel uncertain about being sustained mostly by texts. I need face to face.”

    “I feel rather warmed to hear this. But would feel better talking about it face to face.”

    “I feel rather warmed to hear this. Might feel even warmer face to face . . . ”

    I don’t know what to say about his phrase that makes it sound as if he thinks he won’t ever get the chance to warm and sustain me. I’m not sure if he means the miles apart, or that he’s not sure what I think.

    All reactions welcome.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:30am

  112. 112: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    Yay! Just what I thought! About shorter dates vs weekend long ones. Yum me.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:33am

  113. 113: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi, thanks for the clarifications – that helps a lot. I think the reason that his question seems rude and contmptuous is that it comes right at the beginning of the conversation and is worded so tritely (is that a word?). “Are you having sex with your date?” Has nothing to do with your heart or soul…it feels disconnected from anything having to do with your relationship, but seems more like a setup for you to reveal to him whether or not he is still important to you. If he had said, “I really care about you and find myself obsessing about whether or not you are having sex with your new guy. Since things ended so badly between us, I don’t expect you to tell me if you are or not, but wanted you to know it’s been on my mind” would feel more real and less manipulative on his part. Also, since, in your eyes, you were moving on and not planning on having sex with him again, there is no reason to reveal the details of your sex life out of respect for his need to keep himself safe. So, a simple, “I feel uncomfortable sharing details of my relationship with another man. If we ever decide to get back together and work on things, we can discuss it at that time. I feel sad to know that you are hurting.”

    I don’t know, that just feels more honest and boundary-holding to me.

    I need to run to work. Hope you have a day filled with good things. Take care of you. K?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:44am

  114. 114: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Daria –

    I’m really enjoying your line of thought.

    It brings me to mind one of the reasons I picked my “ex.”

    He’s totally hot. He has presence. He has charisma.

    When I went to a family reunion last summer, one of my cousins spent some time conversing with him. Then she emailed me later, “Good catch, girl.”

    He’s that guy. The one other women look at and see a catch.

    When he was here for the week end, we went out with friends. One of the gals was TOTALLY attracted to him. I went out this week end, and she asked me, “Where’s your other half?”

    Yeah — that’s status. It’s alluring.

    But, I kept being willing to put up with his withdrawal for it. Now, I want a man who I can feel good with in public AND who’s hot between the sheets and who’s into me.

    Thanks for stimulating my thoughts.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:49am

  115. 115: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @96 Femininewoman

    Thanks for sharing that.

    Frustration is your friend.

    Build tension.

    Yes — I’m done dating. I’m ready for marriage now.

    I’m on it…..

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:56am

  116. 116: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens – what message do you think the Universe is trying to send me by making all of my significant relationships pretty much sexless.
    They have all started off well, but sex has dwindled as the relationships have gone on, for a variety of reasons from sexuality confusion to porn addiction and medication issues.
    My latest relationship with my fiance is proving to be the most difficult so far. When we met he told me he had been a battered husband and after dating for a while he shared the fact that this had caused him problems and now used Viagra.
    He has now shared the fact that he actually hates sex and only did it to please me.
    He wants to get over this and has been to the docs to have his hormone level checked and it’s all come back normal. He says he knows it’s all in his head and needs help getting over his dislike of sex. We have come up with some solutions ourselves and some from the doc but what I guess I am really asking is why me? Again!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:58am

  117. 117: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby#74

    I had the same thing with ex toxic man. Sex was a long wait in between and eventually I felt unattractive and like something was wrong with me. But there wasn’t. It was him. He had issues. Every 3 or 4 months totally sucks. I will never ever be with another man who acts like that.

    Then there is the opposite extreme,
    the guys who want it 3 times A DAY. They have issues too in my book, sexual addiction is destructive just like any addiction is. You begin to feel like a piece of meat or his drug for his addiction.

    Hey universe can I have a “normal” man please? Thanks! lol xx00

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:07am

  118. 118: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @96 & 99 Femininewoman –

    Thank you.

    I’m mulling over your comments.

    You’re absolutely right that I could have phrased those texts differently and gotten a different result.

    Let me think:

    Maybe if I had just said, “I’m scared, too.”

    Maybe if I’d said, “I felt hopeless that we would ever be together again, and I felt clear with moving on.”

    That might have been a good place to go with it…

    Also, sex goes when there is underlying anger. Wow.

    I’ve been an angry person all my life. I’ve also been celibate most of my life. I’m far less angry now, having processed, than I was. And, I’m having sex….. Hmmmm….

    Perhaps he loses his desire for sex when he has anger. And, opening up about the anger, allows us to clear it.

    I can see how that works.

    Now I feel curious about trying this with him. But I don’t know if I’ll get the chance, because I don’t know if he’ll contact me again.

    He was so angry — it might have been a deal breaker for him.

    But — frustration is my friend. And, right now, that man is feeling frustrated that he hasn’t heard from me, and he has visions of me having sex with another man dancing in his head.

    So, maybe that will drive him to contact me.

    Or not. We’ll see….

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:08am

  119. 119: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi! Freezing rain here last night. It’s 40 degrees farenheit now, so not bad out. Just checking in to say hi!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:11am

  120. 120: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @110 Lilyflower:

    Whenever you say “I fee” and the next word ends with “ed” — it’s not a feeling.

    “I feel sort of ignored and neglected the last few days.”

    Ignored isn’t a feeling. It’s your interpretation of what he was DOING. Same with neglected.

    But — when you went on and said, “doesn’t feel good” and “feel turned off”

    THOSE were feeling messages.

    Hugs,

    Lisi

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:15am

  121. 121: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda!

    Nice to see you on.

    Lisi

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:16am

  122. 122: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 119 Brenda I feel we are in the same location.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:16am

  123. 123: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 116 Josie I am curious to know if he has tried therapy? This could possibly unearth where it started and what might have triggered it, such as some abuse from childhood?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:19am

  124. 124: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 115 Lisi I say out loud I am ready for marriage but I am done with “casual” dating so for the situations that were stalling I walked away without saying anything. When they contact me now I just respond but am circular dating.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:21am

  125. 125: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad for J because of this whole financial mess. He was here today talking with me about it and trying to straighten things out with banks and other accounts. While he was here I asked him to unclog the toilet for me — and he ended up making it overflow, which he felt bad about.

    I noticed that when things go wrong, my instinct is to get angry at him — always has been, I’m realizing — but the real emotion driving the anger is FEAR.

    I told him that today. I feel scared of so many things.

    I also had to tell him to not sign the divorce papers when they arrive in his mailbox because I have to have gall bladder surgery and need to have insurance until that’s done.

    He expressed some sadness about the divorce.

    He has had a really bad week. Mine hasn’t been too great either. And the financial mess is also affecting all my transactions bc the check he wrote me (alimony) bounced as part of the long chain reaction.

    I feel sad and scared.

    I kind of felt like hugging him before he left, but I didn’t. I felt concerned that hugging him would just confuse everything for both of us.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:24am

  126. 126: lilyflowerNo Gravatar says:

    @lisi 120

    This really makes me feel triggered. How can you tell me what a feeling is? ‘ed’ is past tense. How is that inappropriate usage of feeling? Neglect is a feeling, being ignored is a feeling in my head. But I see what you are saying about the word ignored.

    I’m coming off defensive here, I’m sure. But it does not feel good to hear that I don’t understand what feelings are

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:25am

  127. 127: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 111 Lorelei how about letting go of the relationship thought. It is fun and flirtation just mirror back at him by using is words is what I would do. Treat him like someone you are not attracted to. He throw words you throw them back. The ball is in your court. Sorry but it feels like it is in your best interest to forget about having a relationship with him. For me it is easier to have fun and play with someone I am not attracted to.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:26am

  128. 128: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @116 Josie –

    Law of Attraction states that you draw into your life that which you ARE.

    Since you have a pattern of drawing in sexless relationships, how about we look at you for a minute, instead of them.

    Were you molested, raped, assaulted, or have you got any sexual trauma?

    How did your sexuality develop from child to teen?

    Did you feel safe or okay with being attractive, or are you afraid of it?

    If you’re afraid of being sexually attractive — are you overweight? Often, we use our weight to physically keep men and sexuality away.

    I would focus on 2nd and 3rd chakra. 2nd chakra is below your belly button — about where your uterus is. It’s the seat of your relationship to power in the world: power, sex and money. It is orange. It corresponds to the Christian Sacrament of Confession.

    3rd chakra is the seat of your self-esteem. It is yellow. It is your honor code, and your integrity. It corresponds to the Christian Sacrament of Communion.

    I would focus on feeling and “clearing” the energy in these two chakras. You want to visualize the colors as pure — with the divine energy flowing in through your front, passing through you and out the back.

    Probably, you have trouble opening the back of your second chakra. Focus on opening it and letting the energy pass through unblocked.

    Hope it helps.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:27am

  129. 129: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 111 Lorelei I like this one
    ““I feel rather warmed to hear this. Might feel even warmer face to face . . . ” If he wants to go in an imaginary relationship I would let him because I am not chosing to go there with him.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:29am

  130. 130: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @126 Lilyflower –

    Sad to hear you’re feeling triggered. Feeling sorrow and a need for connection.

    Yes, “ed” is past tense verb. It’s a great clue to realize that the word you’re thinking isn’t an emotion, but an action — a verb.

    I can understand you’re feeling a little defensive. It’s hard to think we don’t know something that seems as simple as what’s a feeling and what isn’t.

    But, in our culture and language, we’re accustomed to hearing “I feel” followed by an action or a judgment. So, maybe you’ll feel less defensive if you hear that it’s something I struggle with, too?

    Here’s the NVC list of feelings:

    http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

    This has been really helpful for me in learning what is a feeling and what isn’t.

    I am feeling hopeful that this will feel good to you.

    I have a need to contribute, help, and show love by giving.

    Hugs,

    Lisi

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:33am

  131. 131: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thanks for the Gottman post.

    “They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice.”

    Yes, exactly. That’s where I am. Who’s with me?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:36am

  132. 132: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a bit lost without my dating sites!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:44am

  133. 133: JosieNo Gravatar says:

    123: Femininewoman We know what triggered it for hm, he was battered and ridiculed by his wife for ‘doing it wrong’.
    He equates sex with pain, fear and embarrasment.

    &
    128 Lisi
    No, I have never been abused, have had no trauma and I have an average to slightly above average sense of self esteem.

    I’m average weight and like how I look.
    I really don’t know why my life has been one long line of sexless relationships!!!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:52am

  134. 134: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Josie, it sounds like EMDR might be a good way to go to help him clear up those negative memories/messages. I would suggest looking into it. Pam

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:58am

  135. 135: lilyflowerNo Gravatar says:

    @lisi 130

    Thanks for the link. I will definitely keep this as a reference. Whether or not the message I used was a ‘true’ feeling message… it had the effect I was looking for.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:58am

  136. 136: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #130
    Lisi – Thank you so much for posting that feelings list, it’s an amazing help for a newbe like me!
    I have always used “ed” words after the I feel part… Now I know what I was doing wrong… HA!
    I’ll put that into practice tonight when I talk to C… I noticed that while I was practicing what to say, when I was using the feelings properly, it was almost impossible to come across as accusing or demanding…
    Thanks! X

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:03pm

  137. 137: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #130
    Lisi – Thank you so much for posting that feelings list, it’s an amazing help for a newbe like me!
    I have always used “ed” words after the I feel part… Now I know what I was doing wrong… HA!
    I’ll put that into practice tonight when I talk to C tonight… I noticed that while I was practicing what to say, when I was using the feelings properly, it was almost impossible to come across as accusing or demanding…
    Thanks! X

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:03pm

  138. 138: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    I just posted my favorite Rumi quote on my cousin’s Facebook wall. It is:

    Out beyond the ideas of right-doing

    And wrong-doing

    There is a field.

    I’ll meet you there.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:22pm

  139. 139: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    In #24, I meant “figuratively” — not “euphemistically.” Oops. :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:26pm

  140. 140: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel sad

    i feel disappointed i don’t havea lineup today

    of guys coming to see me

    feed me

    smoke me

    massage me

    pleasure me

    aid me

    with fixing my bike

    or even

    a lil past my expectation and comfort zone

    aid me with

    preparing my files

    or even

    way past that

    with

    negotiating sums with the banks

    and that is what i want

    today

    and i have asked the spirits for help

    and they will help me

    i allow it

    i am choosing to be open

    although i fele all kinds of feleings

    **

    and i

    want

    fun

    and

    to feel good tomorrow

    as well

    tomorrow when i have to be at

    8

    to

    the park

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:45pm

  141. 141: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel disappointed

    anxious

    i want FUN

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:45pm

  142. 142: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    OKay….now I find out he accidentally took my keys — including my car key and house key. WTH????????

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 12:58pm

  143. 143: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I am experiencing dating site withdrawal. Hehe. That’s telling. :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:25pm

  144. 144: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    felt attacked by my mom just now

    instant energy loss

    feeling angry

    feeling sad

    loss of power

    major

    “can’t get anything done today now”

    blaming thoughts

    losing power

    want to feel good

    wnat to feel excited about today

    want to feel fun right now!

    :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:25pm

  145. 145: NicoleNo Gravatar says:

    I’m re-posting my question on the newest feed b/c no one responded to it on the older blog.

    RORI and Ladies…

    I recently realized I have an extremely hard time letting my guard down and don’t know when to believe a guy is genuine or not. Maybe its this whole notion that Rori is talking about… that some guys are just addicted to cheating… I think i’m scared to let myself fall for anyone b/c I don’t want them to be that kind of guy.

    I was in a relationship for 6 years (from when i was 18-24).. It was a very healthy relationship but it didnt last b/c we just grew apart. Now, I’m 25 and am enjoying the dating scene, but I feel kind of lost (prob b/c I’m not used to the single lifestyle). The last 2 guys I have talked to started out casual and both guys pursued me really hard. I let my guard down w/ both those guys, and it seems to come back and bite me in the ass.

    Now, I’m completely single, just going out and having a great time, meeting a lot of people.

    I recently met who is pursuing me. I didnt like him at first bc he is alittle younger then me, and I had a problem with that b/c I’m used to dating guys a little older then me. But he has grown on me and i’m really starting to like him.

    I’m beginning to get frustrated b/c I want to reciprocate things he says to me. Like when he randomly texts me in the middle of the day saying “I miss you”, I don’t want to say it back (even though I miss him too) b/c I want him to keep pursuing me but I also don’t want to give him the impression I don’t like him at all.

    How do I find a good balance?? And How do I know if he is for real and truly genuine?
    I’m scared to let my guard down, but I also don’t want that to take away from him getting to know me.
    What do I do?!?

    Thanks Beauties!

    Nicole

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 1:58pm

  146. 146: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/95/J9FahGbnt-U

    How to know when to put your ding dang in the wing wang :)

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:07pm

  147. 147: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    did some EFT on resistance to change

    waxed my upper lip

    feeling a bit better

    i want my PEEZY!

    PEEZY COME TO MAMA

    i’m gonna drink my adrenaline supporting herbs

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:10pm

  148. 148: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nicole,

    There are many sirens here who are excellent at feeling messages, so you will surely get some great ones.

    If it were me, I’d try to keep it simple. Something such as:

    Thanks, that feels good to hear. It always feels great being with you!

    Or, whatever feeling word feels most appropriate. Take baby steps here. You don’t have to say back that you miss him, but encouraging him (if you do in fact like him) would be helpful to the budding relationship and in you making feeling statements.

    Good luck!

    Sammie

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:11pm

  149. 149: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Nicole,

    Also, in response to your “how do you know if it’s for real” question…

    Time, opening yourself up, and circular dating…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:14pm

  150. 150: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    men are starting to come to mama online! including some interesting ones

    woohoo

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:15pm

  151. 151: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .

    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/49/0_syXvFluOg

    How to Avoid Falling Too Fast

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:17pm

  152. 152: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/72/3HbcD1-eEik

     How Can You Trust The Guy You are Dating?

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:23pm

  153. 153: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum,

    Thanks for the dating videos! I’d never seen the dating gurus on that site. Some great info!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:32pm

  154. 154: AngeliqueNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused about on-line dating and have a question. I find that I am getting a lot of men giving me their phone numbers very quickly and wanting to talk. I am trying to determine a safe way to do this while CDing and leaning back. Any suggestions? A few times I told them that I didn’t feel comfortable giving my phone number out right away and wanted to email / chat a while first and asked them what they thought. This seemed to be effective in a few cases, but most of the local men backed away quickly. Maybe this was too much work, and they didn’t want to put forth the effort? If that is the case, then I suppose it was a good thing. I find it very hard to “lean back” while communicating on-line. In fact, when I first put up my profile I was overwhelmed with the responses, but most have seemed to fall away. It’s funny though because I test this and will send an email, and they all respond and seem interested. But if I just wait for them to email – – some just don’t. Guess I just need a lot more practice in this concept of leaning back.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:32pm

  155. 155: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/97/kJuWoXxo-DE

    How to know “he’s just not that into you.

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:34pm

  156. 156: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Angelique – Rori advises quickly moving to talking… and then to meeting (short 30 min meeting close by your area) in person… before this it is not “real”

    many women have hangups about this, but… to me it feels safe to talk on the phone…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:36pm

  157. 157: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    WOW!

    Dr. Christopher (seems to be well recommended and ) has a great Adrenatone

    i feel my energy super stronger now and I feel more able to

    emotionally be brave

    with the tasks i am considering today

    i feel so much more powerful after taking one spoon of those herbs!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:37pm

  158. 158: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Angelique, I usually skip the phone calls altogether and meet right away – like Rori says “go through men like water.” :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:45pm

  159. 159: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella 100

    Thank you for your kind words. It feels really good catching up with my friend again. Yes, maybe it would be gossip to discuss the guys on the site with her. I hadn’t thought of that, thankyou.

    I’m feeling scared about online dating. I thought it would feel good having attention from guys. It just doesn’t and now some want to meet, not even talk on the phone first. I don’t want to feel pressured and stressed. It takes me a long time to get to know and trust someone. I want to take things slow and I’ve told them that but they are pushing so I’m just ignoring them.

    Reading about date rape has made me feel panicked and a bit hysterical about meeting someone new.

    I’m trying just to feel the feelings. I want to do things that make me feel good again, I’m not sure online dating is it just now.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:52pm

  160. 160: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Now I wish I had hugged him.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 2:52pm

  161. 161: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/86/kyNVs2ke5N4

    the 4 types of women

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:01pm

  162. 162: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://vimeo.com/10446858

    Meet the members of the MANimal species

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:03pm

  163. 163: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum –

    Thanks for the video references.

    I watched several.

    Gotta go to work now. Client here!

    L

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:11pm

  164. 164: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens!

    I was wondering if anyone might be willing to offer me some ideas on how to answer the question, “So, what are you looking for on Match.com?”. It’s such an open ended question…I can feel myself wanting to go on and on about what I’m looking for in a partner and my desire to ultimately find a life partner/marriage, but believe that it will take time to discover what works, what doesn’t, etc. Etc.

    I want to write something succinct in a FM that doesn’t scare him away…guess that’s the agenda. I should probably just focus on speaking truth and let whatever outcome manifest organically.

    Can you assist? Thanks!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:18pm

  165. 165: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala – im feeling open to meeting men for dates and seeing how i feel with them

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:29pm

  166. 166: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I had to smile at what you wrote. Why do I make everything so complex?! Thank you :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:33pm

  167. 167: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh wow so excited!

    i was looking and feeling all sad downstairs cuz i wasnt getting myself up to calling those people i am going to negotiate with

    and my mom asked me whatsup

    and i paused

    and then i told her the truth that i felt bad that i wasnt getting myself to a positive place to make that call

    and she said

    well then, let it be, you can do it tomorrow, or the day after!

    OMG! MY MOM! the one who i feel PRESSURED BY

    i felt SO LOVED!!!

    and i gave her a big hug

    what a blessing!!!

    i feel GREAT and excited and now i kinda feel curious about calling the people too

    haha

    :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:36pm

  168. 168: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so glad I did my “resistance to change” EFT video! this is GREAT CHANGE!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:45pm

  169. 169: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    A thought recently occured to me – do you think there are men out there reading a “Rori” type of website on how to attract or keep their women, telling them that not calling or texting drives women crazy and makes them want you more? LOL

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:46pm

  170. 170: malaikahNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi: Loved the feeling message inventory site. Ditto with the Rumi quotation- his quotations fill me with a sense of peace and wonder =)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:51pm

  171. 171: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl –

    yes, they are. There are a ton of sites for men, teaching them how to play hard to get. If you get a guy who’s reading one of those sites, he’s going to lean back, because that’s what he’s being taught.

    Malaikah — Thanks! I feel delighted to know it connected for you.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 3:58pm

  172. 172: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala –

    I also add that I’m not available for any casual hook up.

    That gets it outta the way right away.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:00pm

  173. 173: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh, leaning-back men are unsavory. Just sayin’

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:02pm

  174. 174: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Men who have something to lose lean back further than ones who feel desperate, or have nothing to lose.

    A certain amount of hesitance on both sides is a good sign.

    That way, the relationship grows at a slow pace, which can turn into forever. Whirlwind romance = no bueno.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:25pm

  175. 175: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    My addage is to treat others as I would want to be treated.

    I’ve been mogonomously dating a man I’ll name ‘W’.
    We were dining this afternoon and he started to joke around. My response to his playful ‘baiting’ was silence.

    He continued joking around, however, his tone became increasingly defensive as I continued to be silent.

    I sensed the change in tone and asked him if he was angry because of my silence. He answered, “Yes”.

    Now, I know it wasn’t my intention for him to get angry.
    It was more my intention to gauge his response when I didn’t ‘play by the rules’ by acting playful in return.

    I thought about my behavior. I know for a fact that I would be upset if someone didn’t respond to me. I would feel ‘ignored’ and ‘disrespected’, like I wasn’t important.

    I certainly didn’t think about negative consequences for my behavior towards ‘W’.

    I called him and apologized for ‘coming off the way I did’.

    I feel better about myself for doing this. He hadn’t done anything to deserve the ‘silent treatment’. I accepted responsibility for my actions, then let it go.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:35pm

  176. 176: AngeliqueNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for the responses to my questions about on-line dating and giving out my phone number. I have started giving my cell number to a couple of guys. So, I will give this some more thought and not be as hesitant.

    It does feel that some men lean back and that feels very odd to me. I have never been one to chase a man, however, I have been learning so much about myself even in the on-line emails, and phone conversations that I have had since learning these techniques. I can feel it when I start to lean in.

    So, if both people are leaning back and waiting for the other to approach – nothing happens and the potential melts away. Is that a good thing? I am struggling with that idea.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 4:38pm

  177. 177: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    HELP… Please…

    I just got an email form C’s ex (we aren’t friends but sometimes she writes to ask me how are things going… I keep it light hearted trying to encourage her but have never told her that C and I are talking again after our split)
    Tonight she told me that C wrote her last week telling her that he is planning a trip to Germany and would like to see her…
    I am supposed to talk to C on the phone in 20 mins and I want to die!!!
    I don’t know if I should believe her, I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know what I’m feeling!!!
    I need to ask C if this is true but I want to do it looking at him and not on the phone… what do I say tonight and what do I tell him tomorrow when I see him?
    And most of all, how do I break it off in a siren’s way…
    I am crying so much… please help me…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:03pm

  178. 178: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Hello!

    I want to say that I’ve learned SO much from reading Rori Raye’s Newsletters and comments from others.

    I still feel like I’m baby stepping my way along. There seems like so much to absorb! It’s like I’m changing an entire lifestyle of thinking and behaviors!

    I’ve started some techniques, such as ‘leaning back’. I’ve noticed a huge change in that I’m much more relaxed.
    I feel like men are coming out of the woodwork to approach me. I believe men sense the difference in a woman who ‘leans back’ to one that ‘leans forward’.

    Men back off from women that act desparate. It makes them feel trapped and unable to breath.
    They find it MUCH easier to approach a woman who exudes confidence from within.

    Even if I’m not confident, I will ‘fake it until I make it’.

    I’m working on ‘feeling’ responses. It comes easier with practice. I feel empowered in knowing that the results are worth the effort.

    I feel the bigger picture for me is that I allow the man to be who he is. I’m not in control of his problems and don’t want to be!

    I’m in control of my thoughts, actions, and reactions and don’t need to make a man responsible for them!

    I want this empowerment! Therefore, I shouldn’t give it to a man. I sure as H-E-Double Hockey Sticks shouldn’t complain about the consequences of giving empowerment to anyone over me!

    As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.”

    It’s time for me to hit the bricks! You people take it easy and stay cool!

    ~ Violet ~

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:10pm

  179. 179: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    146: LonePlum says:
    .
    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/datingwithdignity#p/u/95/J9FahGbnt-U

    How to know when to put your ding dang in the wing wang

    xxx

    Pah! This made me laugh at loud!

    2-3 months!!! Ha, we’ll see. I like those 2 though.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:11pm

  180. 180: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    LittleDoc –

    Where is your relationship with C? Are you back together? Are you exclusive?

    Is he violating an agreement with you by talking to her?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:12pm

  181. 181: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    177: LittleDoc says:
    HELP… Please…

    ***

    LittleDoc, hugs…I feel soooo sad that you are crying…

    I think some of the other sirens may have better feedback on what to say, but one thing Daria said lately comes to mind…something like, don’t communicate at all until you are absolutely clear on how you feel and what you want to say…maybe she can say it better herself… :)

    I am thinking of you…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:16pm

  182. 182: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi… yes, when we talked we spoke about being serious about the relationship… the problem before was that he was seeing other people, I told him this time it wasn’t to happen, he agreed
    The problem with this German girl is that he always told me she was a psycho (apparently she even hacked into his email account and sent stuff around)
    He sent her an email telling her he was getting married this spring to get her off his back this Christmas… WTH!!!
    If u tell me you hate someone and she’s insane and u told her to back off big time how can u write her that you want to see her???

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:17pm

  183. 183: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Andi thank you… I’m devastated…
    I don’t know who is lying here… I don’t know what to believe anymore…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:19pm

  184. 184: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Ooohhh — major alarm bells.

    Guys who cheat usually describe the other woman as a psycho in order to lower her credibility, should you ever see any evidence of her.

    Guys who cheat will tell the other woman that YOU’RE a psycho.

    If I were you — I’d put him off and get some more info from her.

    If he’s a cheater, he’s not gonna tell you the truth, and confronting him is just going to lead you to feeling confused.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:21pm

  185. 185: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    32: LonePlum says:
    Watch for the signs of an addictive personality.

    People are never addictive to only one thing, it is a personality.
    If he is addicted to you right from the beginning, he might be bad news.
    And he probably is addictive to something else.
    Observe his life.

    ***

    What are the signs for if a man is addicted to you? (In a negative sense.)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:22pm

  186. 186: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    65: Nancy says:
    I think there is some truth to the opinion that men who are serious about finding a real relationship are on the pay sites.

    ***
    A resounding YES YES YES. I have had a very positive experience with mine so far, nothing weird. The quaility has been extremely high.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:25pm

  187. 187: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve gotten lots of dates off of Craigslist, but almost nothing off of Match.com.

    The guys on there either don’t initiate, or don’t respond to a wink.

    I only ever wink.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:26pm

  188. 188: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    112: Daria says:
    passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    ***

    Hi Daria,

    This is a very interesting concept to me. Is there somewhere I can read/learn more about it?

    I think this is my biggest struggle. Over years of environmental conditioning as I was growing up, I was “trained” to NEVER do anything that might frustrate a man.

    So this idea of causing frustration at any level for a man in a dating relationship is the opposite of how I am wired.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:43pm

  189. 189: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    I know you are referring to creating space here – and saying no to requests to see you, etc. if it gets excessive. But again, the whole saying no thing is what I am working on, I think I am improving. It takes a lot out of me though.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:48pm

  190. 190: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #184
    Lisi – I’m rather lost!
    He just called so I quickly dried up the tears and was the best actress ever… I laid back, was flirting, giggled with him because I don’t want him to guess anything…
    The bit of the story you are missing (I was too in a hurry before to tell you everything) are that:
    1- she is indeed a drama queen, she reprimanded him in public in a museum because he arranged to see a friend for dinner on her last day of visiting NYC… He hadn’t seen this friend who is a pilot and always away, in 8 months
    2- she sends him love texts and then hate ones in the space of 2 hours
    3- apparently she sent him a crazy Christmas card saying that she loves him, can’t wait to see him soon but he broke up with her last March
    4- the person hacking his account wasn’t her because who did it conceded that to me (I’m sworn to secrecy s o h e doesn’t know that i am aware of it) but he linked stuff happening around his emails and her crazy Christmas card together and thought she did it and now that she got rid of all the other ex girlfriends with her round of emails, he would go back to her! As a matter of fact, he chose to come back to me and not to her…
    5- my alarm bells are ringing like crazy and I don’t know what to do…
    I think I want out of all this drama… I deserve much better than being with a man I would always have to worry about… On the other hand if she really is the psycho I don’t want him to have to pay for my insecurities…
    What to do, what to do????

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:56pm

  191. 191: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Andi – those words stuck out to me from a comment a few up from mines… here’s the whole comment:

    96: Femininewoman says:
    Did You Know:

    A 15-year-long study found that a person’s happiness level before marriage was the best predictor of happiness after marriage. In other words, marriage won’t automatically make one happy.

    Source: John M.Gottman

    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In The Relationship

    I hear from hundreds of women each month who tell me the following: “It was going so great between us. He was calling me every day and saying how much he cared for me. He was even talking about having a future together, and then he suddenly got cold. He said he didn’t know why, but
    something just didn’t seem right. He said it wasn’t me that it was him. Now he claims he isn’t sure about us anymore and wants to take a break. I feel like I’m losing my mind – help!”

    Can you relate to this woman? Even if this hasn’t happened to you personally, it’s terrifying to imagine the man you love suddenly acting cold and detached from you. Some women comfort themselves with the thought, “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    Here’s the good news, you can not only arouse but also maintain his passion for you by understanding what he needs, instead of giving him what he thinks he wants. During the first 6 months of a relation-ship, do you know what a man really needs? What’s your guess – passion, fun or unlimited sex? Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time
    with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    The women that hold a hypnotic hold over men know this fact well. They don’t consider it “game playing” or beneath themselves, because they have one goal in mind. They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice. You can become this woman.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 5:57pm

  192. 192: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Little DOC – STOP!!!

    /NO! YOU DO NOT!!! DO NOT!!! want to be the best actress ever.

    Keeping your feelings hid WILL KILL any chance of this relationship with this man

    I noticed you said you NEED to ask him (you do not “need” to)

    and that you’d rather do it in person… There’s no reason for that… I WOULD NOT HOLD IT IN!!! communicating this overwhelming feeling is much more important than waiting to be face to face

    absolutely not PRETEND ANYTHING

    and Please, no sneaking around behind his back to get info from this other woman

    AUTHENTICITY is what we practice here. IT is VERY IMPORTANT!! FUNDAMENTAL!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:01pm

  193. 193: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    SLV in the house… tee hee :lol:

    Looks like a lot of posts here…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:04pm

  194. 194: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Andi –

    Read #96 by Femininewoman.

    That’s what Daria was quoting.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:07pm

  195. 195: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Daria –

    One of the first things I said to my ex was, “Be authentic. It’s the only thing worth being.”

    I think I forgot that and tried to live by his rules.

    Hhmmmmm…..

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:09pm

  196. 196: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I would also not put weight on what she says and no longer allow her to contact me.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:10pm

  197. 197: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc – it seems you, like me, are addicted to drama

    somehow i feel so attracted to getting involved with listening to another woman, pretending with him, and trying to “catch him” redhanded etc

    this is TOXIC

    i sit on my hands and don’t respond to women contacting me

    i practice being authentic with him “i felt awful hearing this from her and am feeling panicked and scared… what’s going on?”

    “i don’t want other women contacting me… what do you think?” — along with my no longer willingly accepting their calls,

    really INTRUSIONS of energy in MY relationship

    there is room for only ONE woman in My relationship… and i practice having the boundaries with HIM and MYSELF to create that

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:14pm

  198. 198: KristineNo Gravatar says:

    Hello ladies, I have a life changing experience that I wanted to share not only to encourage other women but to finally tell the truth of my story. I had a domestic violence problem with my ex whom I have 3 children by. I finally felt at peace I let him go almost 4 years ago..and went to nursing school. I am on my way to being a R.N. Well I became a maneater I guess you would say, I protected my heart and put up the gates but still had sex with them and didn’t know why because sex is just sex…well this last year I have lost 2 grandparents whom i loved dearly and by some FORCE or nature started seeing my ways kept getting me the same results that were not what I wanted. Yes I have 3 amazing children whom are my world, I don’t have a lot of money, my credit sucks and I live at home but even with all that I am finally happy with me and what I aM and who I have become. One man changed that for me a lot!! I will call him Winston…Winston and I had 3 dates and had amazing chemistry, like I never have felt and I am not sure how it happened in 3 or 4 dates. He hurt me in a lot of ways but I am not angry I am greatful and blessed because now I know exactly what I want deserve and will not settle for anything less. The look in his eyes were so true, he seemd everything I wanted, yet I saw what I wanted him to be. I didn’t know him but I loved him. We have known eachother a total of about 2 years but supposedly he took a deployment to Qatar. Before he left we spent an amazing night together we were texting and talking on webcam when he arrived in Qatar. It is a difficult story cause the wound is healing but he said things about marriage and played with my mind. When I let my guard down with him I gave him the power to make me crazy. I was so into him I lost myself, my love and my wonderful life I once had. I wanted us to work so badly and took it to extreme to give up loving myself. I finally ended it he made some mean comments really rude comments and I said enough, walked away we havent spoke since. like he dropped off the face of the earth. I have since started back to me, taking care of me, loving myself and learning to be with myself and not depending on any man to fix me. We have to fix ourselves and love ourselves before we go any further. I have learned I would have been just as toxic to him if we did end up together then ..because I didn’t feel the love for myself, the self esteem was not there, I was looking for him to make me happy. I am cding finally and love myself, my children and my family more than anything. I will never settle for crumbs or be put down for I am a Goddess and I don’t have to fake it til i make it anymore, I made it ..I am me and I love it. So all I can say lean way back in life enjoy every moment in your life don’t give anyone the power to ruin your day…One day he will come, I am not perfect and refuse to act like someone I am not. I am an emotional woman who wants love as i give it. Blessings in disguise, there is no rush on today, when tomorrow is never a promise :) Thank you for listening!!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:18pm

  199. 199: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – hm… I feel awful!
    I will ask him tomorrow, and i will be real… I guess I just acted tonight because I don’t feel safe enough to speak using my feelings yet…I’m too new at this so I was really hoping to get suggestions from you ladies before i saw him… I am really panicky at the moment and was afraid that if i had opened my mouth to ask I would have definitely killed him with words… And any chance of sorting things out in a decent way…
    In regards to her I have just sent an email asking a bit more info but like “really? He did write? I have no words! Did he say when is he going to fly there? Maybe you should see him and hear what he has to say…”
    How do I tell her I’d rather not talk to her anymore. Eventually I’ll have to do that if things with C go anywhere because it would be very dishonest communicating with her behind his back… I know that… I guess I just need direction… Please give me a heading because I have NO CLUE…
    I just know I am tired, sad, burdened, I’m feeling so bad, can’t believe he has such an effect on me… Not again…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:22pm

  200. 200: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    132: Lucy says:
    I feel a bit lost without my dating sites!

    Don’t worry I’ll get some fun guys. Don’t mind me much I’ve been with children all day. hahaha :lol:

    xoxo
    slv

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:38pm

  201. 201: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc # 182:

    Gosh, my heart feels u pain…I once was in your shoes…Yet, this is DRAMA girlfriend….:(

    STOP it all!!! Stop talking to his ex…stop looking through his phone…and even gfs who perpetuate the drama gossip…U don’t want that in u life…

    Try to “buy” time for yourself and don’t talk to him/or respond to him either for a day or so…(i found out the longer I stay quiet, the better I connect with myself…)

    In the meantime, connect with your feelings…write them down…make a long list if u can…

    For example, I feel angry…I feel mistrustful…I feel sad…etc…In the meantime, focus on yourself…what would make u feel good in that moment, that day, etc…Shift u thoughts from him, about him, to yourself…Notice yourself…notice mood changing…and why???

    These are babysteps indeed…Don’t be hard on yourself if u fail once, twice, 3 times, etc……get back to it…Try to purchase some or Rori’s programs…it would really help u…or at least the ebook….

    Then, work on a speech to him…

    But here, I feel confused about u situation…What is it that u want???? How do u feel about the relationship? Are u sexually exclusive? Any committment on the table? Is there a plan? etc…

    Anyway, here is short example of what I would say assuming u are in a “relationship” with him…and want to work it out…

    “Your ex has contacted me…I don’t like that…I feel hurt and disappointed…What do u think? Pause…long pause…let him answer…and let him be a man and fix the darn thing…learn to accept space in between…if he doesn’t answer…repeat the same speech…

    Well, it is a process…so much more to say…but, start with the ebook…stop being a participant in the drama…learn to “love” and “trust” yourself…

    We are here for u :)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:40pm

  202. 202: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc – sorry you feel bad :( . Even though it may seem intense now, really every interaction with a man is just practice. :)

    He’s not really having an effect on you. He hasn’t even done anything and he’s completely out the loop.

    This was an interaction between you and a past woman in his life, a woman that is NOT your friend, you don’t trust her or have anything in common except that it seems you are currently interested in the same man – not a great friendship builder.

    I would not take her calls or her e-mails without saying anything to her about it. It’s also possible to say… “I’m not feeling good about staying in touch at this time… take care”

    When you next are contacted by him…

    I would say

    “i feel awful… I feel scared to talk about this becuase it feels so weird and overwhelming… but I received a call from “EX GF” and she let me know that you wrote her that you would be planning to see her during your trip… I felt devastated… I don’t want to feel this way… what do you think?”

    and then let him reply and actually Listen to what he says.

    if after he talks you feel better say

    “thank you i feel better”

    if not, then say

    “oh im still feeling bad”

    if you don’t trust him say

    “im feeling mistrustful and i don’t want to feel that way with you… what do you think?”

    ************

    Remember your relationship is with HIM. That means believing him and trusting yourself that you will be ok. If you are not able to feel safe with him, then there is no relationship. You move away from that.

    Relationship with HIM means that you are completely honest with how you feel, and you BELIEVE what he tells you.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:40pm

  203. 203: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #192:

    I feel happy…I am catching up with my mentor…:) Wow…lol

    Warm hugs and I miss u :)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:43pm

  204. 204: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @130: Lisi says:
    I read the list. It’s cute but — surprise, surprise there are lots of “EDs” in it. Do the people who made the list know how to read and write Or did the miss the “EDs?” However, I love the “discombobulated” emotion. Tt kind of says it all and I confess to feeling that way sometimesl.

    Tonight I feel skeptical and steampunk. Later I’m sure I’ll feel literary.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:44pm

  205. 205: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ella! I feel happy hearing that you feel happy!

    I am feeling pretty good. I asked my dad to get me a tire for my bike tonight and he will. also i had a positive experience with my mom. She’s really been responding well lately when i allow my feelings of sadness to show – rather than paste on happy as i did most of my childhood and adolescence.

    I have a CD in 45 min. He’s NOT my type, interview style talker.

    I feel curious to see how I feel with him and what tools I can practice!

    I really like my “Oshun” tool for sexyiness which is that when I am walking talking, or generally jsut want to be feminine, I put my attention on the curve of my buttocks. I visualize it and also try to “feel” the curve.

    :)

    yay!

    also I got some good practice with a CD yesterday who saw me walking down the street and watned to “start something with me” and i said “i feel open, but it’s going to have to be a little at a time :)

    go Goddess ME!

    yesterday WeekendMan contacted me to make-up , but I was still feeling upset at him

    he was Consciously STepping up becuase I toild him I don’t want a man who runs away

    haha

    how cute

    i feel better now but yesterday I was still feeling mad

    we’ll see what happens there

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:47pm

  206. 206: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @169: T-Girl says:
    A thought recently occured to me – do you think there are men out there reading a “Rori” type of website on how to attract or keep their women, telling them that not calling or texting drives women crazy and makes them want you more? LOL

    Yes,,,, don’t you subscribe to those newsletters???

    I sure do!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 6:54pm

  207. 207: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #201 & 202
    Darling Ella and Daria – thank you girls…
    I’ll do that, I’ll think things through, I’ll work with my feelings and I hope to God to find the courage to talk to him tomorrow in the most honest way possible.
    When we last talked I told him I would always make the conscious choice of believing and trusting him so I will do that, I promised and he deserves that chance… But I deserves to be happy too so I need to sort this out… Thank you for looking after me… It’s going to be really hard…but I can do it…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:04pm

  208. 208: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @204 SLV –

    I did notice that. I had already left the comment about the “ed’s” before I went and looked up that list….

    One of my responses is this: “amused” can be “amusement.” A lot of the “ed’s” in the list can be used with a different form of the word.

    The point is that — when you say “I feel…..” and what follows is judged, blamed, or so on — you are labeling what you THINK (not feel) the OTHER person is DOING.

    You can’t get into the other person’s head and know if they’re blaming you, can you?

    And — more to the point — FM’s are about getting in touch with YOU. I feel judged does not get you in touch with the emotions flowing through your body.

    In such a situation, you might feel anxiety, sadness, fear, sorrow, rage etc…. But, you can’t actually FEEL the feeling of judged. That’s a perception, not a feeling.

    When you get right down to it — it takes a lot of work to become accustomed to feeling your feelings and knowing what they are.

    So — I felt amused that you noticed, SLV. I looked at that list after I’d posted & thought — someone’s going to call me out on this.

    And you did.

    :-)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:13pm

  209. 209: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hi i just got my wisdom teeth out and it didn’t go very well

    then Rebound picked me up and i was feeling happy and high off nitrous, then i started crashing and i got upset with him and i became hysterical

    and then i started to bleed a LOT

    now i am in a lot of pain and only one tooth’s anesthesia has worn off and it’s going to get much worse and i want my mommy:(

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:17pm

  210. 210: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    SLV –

    What guy advice gurus do you follow?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:19pm

  211. 211: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc:

    U are very welcome :)

    A very important thing I changed about me…is answering txts, calls, emails…

    If I feel moody and not in control…(confused, annoyed)…I don’t answer…Buying time to figure out myself it works big time…

    I always answer when I feel good…:) U want the vibe to be put to good use :)

    If I feel bad and yet, I am pressured…I respond via txt…saying, “I am feeling sad, disappointed, angry tonite/right now…I need space to feel better…I don’t like being pressured…etc”…These are the times u always use your boundaries…in a non-blaming way…yet, u maintain your authenticity :)

    And after, I always wait for them to contact me…I no longer follow up…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:20pm

  212. 212: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    One more thing…. What if i feel like crying while i talk to him? This is most likely… The sadness I’m feeling is really swamping… :-(

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:23pm

  213. 213: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/1989help

    Addiction Cartoon – Dr Robert Lefever

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:24pm

  214. 214: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    LittleDoc –

    I cry.

    If I’m really emotional, crying happens.

    And, I talk anyway.

    It’s okay to cry.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:25pm

  215. 215: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @lisii
    “..So — I felt amused that you noticed, SLV…”

    I hope you feel more than amusement… :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:29pm

  216. 216: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @210: Lisi says:
    “SLV –
    What guy advice gurus do you follow?..”

    The informative ones…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:30pm

  217. 217: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc:

    U said “…I hope to God to find the courage to talk to him”…Hmm…I feel concern for u…because “finding courage”…means to me “u feel scared”…why do u feel scared? Working through u feelings will give u answers…I would never talk to a man because I feel scared (unless I am physical danger)…

    Do u feel scared about what he might say? That u might feel disappointed should u catch him in another web of lies???? and then u are afraid u would feel worse??? Gosh, i been there…

    So, the only way out…is by working on yourself so well (e.g., self-esteem boosting via CD, self dating, EFT techniques, etc) that u no longer feel scared to express your feelings and state your boundaries…:) You might still feel sad and disappointed …but u slowly, slowly get turn off…all together…

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:30pm

  218. 218: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc:

    Dont ever be afraid of crying as long as it feels natural…don’t be an actress though :(

    Men adore us when we are vulnerable…:)

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:34pm

  219. 219: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @tinque

    Hi, writing here because I know you will likely be on this thread. You are very welcome to the info about the free on-screen keyboard tool.

    There is also “voice recognition” software built into Vista for those times you’d rather talk than type. I’ve never bothered using it so I don’t know how well it compares to Dragon.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:35pm

  220. 220: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    And, here’s the news for guys from Advice Guru #1 –

    This signals to the woman that you’re just
    like all the other guys who fall for her too
    fast… and can’t control themselves.

    Don’t do it. Lean back. Relax.

    There’s a much better way…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:38pm

  221. 221: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    SLV –

    You’re toying with me.

    Names?

    Who’s informative, in your opinion?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:39pm

  222. 222: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/promisvideo#p/u/24/4CZupVYm0-4

    What makes an addict

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:40pm

  223. 223: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda-

    I’m just genuinely curious.. 22 years communicating with men in prison. What is it that attracts you to that?

    It almost like a love metaphor in that…

    I imagine it feels very safe.. for the heart to explore with them being behind bars. It’s like no one could hurt you.. depending on how long they are “locked up” for.

    Do the realtionships continue long after they get out?

    I have my “imaginary relationships” too and I realize it’s safe for the heart to feel with out being in fear but, I’m trying to past that.

    I decided to take a “rest” from online dating. Only temporary.. but, I just want to look into maybe a different site or something like a match maker with “it’s just lunch” ..

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:40pm

  224. 224: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/promisvideo#p/u/23/eUjpwv8ynVc

     Spotting addiction early

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:40pm

  225. 225: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @221: Lisi

    You’re teasing.

    SLV

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:44pm

  226. 226: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Plum, OMG! Loved that ding dang in the wing wang video! So true. Gots me a new theme song. Hahahahahaha!

    We don’t have to take our clothes off…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID_N7rv-iN8

    :D

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:50pm

  227. 227: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #214
    Lisi – thank you, I guess that’s just what I may end up doing…

    #217
    Darling Ella – yes, i am feeling so scared because I am re-living all the pain I already went through twice before. I am not afraid of what I am feeling but of not being able to portray what I am feeling in a why that will do me justice.
    If he has lied again he deserves whatever he will get, if he hasn’t he will have to start dealing with my feeling as it never happened before…

    It’s so hard but liberating as well… I’ll let you know how it goes… But thanks so much for your support ladies, I’m not in a place yet where I could do this on my own…

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:51pm

  228. 228: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea:

    Hope u feel better in no time…Get some Patron :)

    Warm hugs,

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 7:56pm

  229. 229: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i can’t smoke (sucking in causes dry socket horror) but rebound is gonna bake his car full of weed so i can breathe in the vapors of wellness and pain relief

    thank you, medical cannabis. so glad we have this here in our state so i dont have to take lots of habit forming pain pills to cope with the tremendous pain

    my dentist said i metabolize anesthesia in half the time of most people. how lovely. so i can have half a beer and feel drunk but i need 2x as much anesthesia?? thanks, god, really funny.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 8:02pm

  230. 230: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Feel better soon Dorothea!
    At least you have some sort of “weedy” way out of the pain…
    Tons of people in Europe where I live would love to be in your shoes!
    Jokes aside, good luck and big hugs
    X

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 8:12pm

  231. 231: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Just sharing some fun news – I have a new CD…my first since Rori. He lives 75 miles away and is 15 years older, but so far, he’s sweet. Yay! Boy, CDing sure helps with the obsessive thoughts about P.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 8:55pm

  232. 232: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea–

    I do my best energy work on weed. You can literally feel where the emotions & blockages are in your body.

    It’s also AMAZING for spiritual sex.

    I’ve used for pain control, but don’t need that anymore…

    Enjoy

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:06pm

  233. 233: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Lone Plum-

    I liked the addiction videos from the Dr. at Promises~!! Thanks

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:10pm

  234. 234: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Addictive Relationships – makes alot of sense about leaning forward..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x48qlq4v3x0

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:12pm

  235. 235: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    You cant relapse unless your in recovery…

    I loved that line! I liked knowing the feelings that teeter are normal..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxLbiaKj4dc

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:16pm

  236. 236: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    I do want to be here!

    And I also watch “House.” Taub totally asked for a divorce. What a guy…Anyhoo.

    I’m supposed to have a third date with a CD tomorrow. This is restaurant guy, btw. Yes, he came back (I tried to tell him no ;) ). Yes, he seems excited and enthusiastic to see me. He apologized, by email and in person, for what he did, and also went on to say that what I’d said to him really made him think and reconsider his decision about what to do on dates (re: paying the bill). So that was pretty awesome!!

    Trouble is, I’m a little uncomfortable about seeing him tomorrow, and I’m not sure what to do. An issue came up in conversation, and I emailed him about something that happened to me, and I got back a really angry and defensive-sounding email. It totally turned me off, and made me feel scared and afraid. It made me think that I don’t want to be around him if he can get so angry over minor questions and concerns that I have about my body (this was about an illness, I don’t want to go into details). It was really scary.

    I’m just on the fence right now about whether I should write back and tell him I’m not feeling up to the date tomorrow, or whether I should just go through with it – sometimes I have a tendency to back out of things for no good reason. But I also want to give my “gut” a fair shake, and maybe pay attention to it. But right now, I think my vision is clouded by several factors, like, for example how clearly and deeply attracted to me he is. It feels so good, after going out several times with a man who wanted to be with me, but who didn’t display it in a very overt fashion. And I just realized that now I’m also afraid of him being angry with me for canceling a date, and his anger is what scares me in the first place. How ironic is that? But I guess if that’s true, then I don’t really need to be afraid.

    What I really think I need is more dates with different guys! But I’m enjoying the ride…

    Just writing this out has helped me organize my thoughts more, but any input would be appreciated!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:20pm

  237. 237: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Fem Woman,

    RE: #122 – I live in Pennsylvania.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:39pm

  238. 238: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi,

    RE: #232 – You said, “(Weed) is also AMAZING for spiritual sex.”

    I can verify that! :lol:

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:41pm

  239. 239: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Go, BRENDA!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:51pm

  240. 240: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    RE: #223 – You asked, “I’m just genuinely curious.. 22 years communicating with men in prison. What is it that attracts you to that?”

    When I started at age 25, I was unconscious of my reasons. I started looking for a woman to correspond with, to just bring some joy into someone’s life. My original intention wasn’t romance at all. But I felt drawn to a man, Arnold, who was just starting a 10 year sentence. His message struck me with sincerity and desperation.

    He became my first boyfriend. Thru that relationship, I became consciously aware that, yes, I feared intimacy, and it felt safe. Arnold himself pointed that out to me after several years. I was very emotionally damaged and shy at that time.

    I had a steady string of penpals from there, some boyfriends and some just penpals.

    My second boyfriend was Scott, and I moved to AZ to be with him 1.5 years after his release. The relationship went poof ten days after I arrived.

    Jim was in and out of prison, mostly out, during the 1.5 years I wasted on him, the alcoholic, drug addict bum.

    Then Kenny in 2000. I married him in prison in 2003 and divorced him in 2006. We are still friends, and he is still in prison. I have never known him outside of prison.

    During that time, my yearning and comfortableness with face-to-face intimacy grew. I was unbearably lonely. My first boyfriend in the free world was in 1993, and several in between the inmates after that.

    If I knew then what I know now, all of that would have been far different. In recalling all that, I feel like I am talking about someone else’s life, someone who was very lost and felt very low about herself.

    I feel thankful I am not that person anymore.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:53pm

  241. 241: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Lisi!

    Gotta love the Ganja!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 9:56pm

  242. 242: MaggieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori. First of all, I want to thank you so much.

    First the thank you: I did Commitment Blueprint a year and a half ago after a breakup for some clarity and it truly changed every aspect of my life. (I’m 30) The entire approach to feelings and self love was revolutionary. You’re truly gifted at communicating information that so many other sources simply present in a clinical way. I had heard that feelings were important. I thought I was so much better at them than other women, but I had never been called for the type of over functioning and control mongering that really sabotages a relationship. I revisited the program this year with a friend who had gone through a horrible affair with an older married man that had really left her in a horrible place for several years. She had been so down on men but when she started leaning back and using feeling messages, she started to have such success on dates that she really got excited about men for the first time in years. It made me remember a year later how well this stuff really works.

    So here’s my question: I’m now dating a guy from Match who I would have considered WAY out of my league two years ago before your program. (I just never realized how great I really was.) We’ve been dating for three months and I gave in to passion and slept with him after two without having had an monogamy conversation. He had been so attentive, talked about a future. I kept dating other people and my match activity showed that. What surprised me given how attentive he was was that he’s been staying active on match too. It was as though we went straight to the CD part of the relationship but I feel it’s too early to ask him to stop seeing other people and commit to marriage otherwise I’ll continue to date other people. But it’s just a wierd transition. Right now, we both know the other’s still active and though we’re very tender, demonstrative and emotional with each other (we’ve agreed that we both feel “Happy and a little scared” about the great energy, I feel there are moments when we’re not connecting and I feel those moments are because of a conversation that hasn’t happened that I’ve been too chicken to initiate about the fact that we’re still both going on dates with other people. I’ve even felt myself being closed off, flipant or initiating sex once or twice when he’s tried to just create a juicy intimate moment between us in which I COULD have brought up the topic in a super-safe scenario. He’s even said that he’s scared that I don’t like him as much as he likes me, but that’s NOT an agreement to stop seeing other women and I can feel him starting to pull away in response to this tension remaining between us.

    Can you ladies help me with what to say?

    I feel like I need to stop sex with him for myself until this is sorted out. I want a gorgeous Happy Ever After with kids and love and support. I might be almost there (!!!) but I think I might be quietly intimidated by this guy because he’s so much better looking and successful than I used to think I deserved. I feel nervous around him and respond by being cool, cheerful, smart or flippant when I just want to melt in a pile of girliness at his feet half the time.

    THANK YOU ALL!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:06pm

  243. 243: ButteryNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm…I’m amused that Rori’s post is about men with addictions, as I’ve been wondering if my boyfriend might be addicted to pot…..he smokes it daily.

    And then I read some lovely sirens’ positive comments on weed use, which leads me to feel more accepting of him :)

    He’s 34 years old and he wants to have children with me, but I wonder how his pot use would affect his parenting….

    I’m not concerned about the legal aspects – here in Canada, personal cannabis use is de facto legal – but I’m worried that he might have a dependency on it. He smokes because he enjoys it and it helps him to relax, he doesn’t really need it for medicinal purposes,

    I am curious, pro-cannabis sirens, what do you think of a guy who smokes weed daily? How can I tell if it might be a problem?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:07pm

  244. 244: ButteryNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooh, Lisi and Brenda, I feel intrigued by your comments about weed and spiritual sex – could you tell me more about this?

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:09pm

  245. 245: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda-

    Maya Angelou once said to a reporter that asked her if she would go back and change anything..

    ” I was a woman in my time” meaning ofcourse if she knew now.. but she didnt and was very accepting of herself in that time. :)

    I feel great and hopeful at your gowth and trust a healthy relationship will find you.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:33pm

  246. 246: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Maggie..

    I would just be vulnerable and say you feel scared to have this convo and how good you feel with him but, also feel confused at continuing a sexual relationship with someone who you are not in a monogomas relatioship with..

    Even if he decided to be exclusive or monogamos, I’m pretty sure if it’s a ring you want. Rori would tell you to keep on dating. And maybe just be sexually exclusive with him. All though I feel for ya, if you have to see him active on line.. That would bring out the Rock Star in ya..

    Also, Did I read right that you haven’t typically been one to overfunction or sabatoge?

    Then I went on to read that you intiated sex, were closed off and flipant?

    That felt like a oxymoron.. no biggie. The key is just strong surrender..

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:45pm

  247. 247: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Buttery,

    RE: #243 – “I am curious, pro-cannabis sirens, what do you think of a guy who smokes weed daily? How can I tell if it might be a problem?”

    I was once attracted to a handsome, successful man who smoked pot every day. He had gone from rags and prison to owning his own home, having a steady job framing houses, having $75,000 worth of credit card limits,and raising his 12 year old son by himself.

    Just as I was convinced that he was a living example of how pot is not harmful, he told me he wanted to stop smoking it. He said it made him apathetic.

    I read on the blog a couple days ago that it made other sirens or people they knew apathetic and sometimes overly sensitive, as in easily annoyed and offended.

    If I had a man who smoked it, those are the issues for which I would look.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:52pm

  248. 248: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    Thanks!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 10:57pm

  249. 249: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://fora.tv/2007/05/03/Lost_Years#comments_section

    The lost years

    xxx

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:03pm

  250. 250: ButteryNo Gravatar says:

    thanks brenda…
    hmmm….. apathetic and over sensitive…i will keep that in mind.

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:18pm

  251. 251: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Securityman has resurfaced – a soft “can I still see you?”

    me: “yes”

    him: “hehe Yes”

    ***

    interview date guy drove 2 hours to see me after first finding me online today -

    he turned into HANDSOME, prosperous, fun to talk to, CD when i met him

    i feel so glad i decided to meet him even though i felt so bored with him over the phone

    wow!

    thank you for the lovely surprise!

    he even kissed me besides being a total gentleman

    wow!

    ****

    i kinda felt out of it to respond to Securityman’s text after i got back

    must be why i havent really heard from him after i did answer the text

    ***

    ohhh 2hour CD has claimed my time for tomorrow nite – movie – Friends with Benefits

    and

    for the day after – Friday, dancing

    WOW!

    Wednesday, 2 February 2011 @ 11:29pm

  252. 252: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Hey, that’s awesome! Glad to hear your good news!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:11am

  253. 253: archerieNo Gravatar says:

    Well done Daria!

    I am happy you are happy , the vibe is attractive :)

    My own online presence is attracting zilch . Smaller pond here and I notice the same old guys with same old pics still online , some I remember from 5 years ago , I am sure!

    My profile says part of the way down the page i am looking for a happy ever after via friends first… Is this off putting do you think??

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:15am

  254. 254: archerieNo Gravatar says:

    Jen ,

    I missed your posts , but yes you are getting it now.

    He could do lots of things , treat you in many different ways , and BE something else , but he WONT.
    He WILL not, that means that he does not WANT to.
    He is doing what he wants to.

    Its sad that you dont get what you want , ie love acknowldgement and care , from him. But its wonderful that you are not getting ongoing unreliability, ongoing emotional shut off, ongoing difficulty and family stress from him and the rels.

    I am so glad you are stepping into your power as per Rori -this post could have been written for your situation..

    “And remember – this is your MEANING you’re giving to his behavior. To him – this is not betrayal. It makes you FEEL bad, but he’s not trying to hurt you. It’s not deliberate hurt. It’s just the way he “rolls.”

    Instead of turning your fury on him because he isn’t and won’t be the way you want him to be – and under your control – your job is to get out there and find other men who don’t have these issues that make you feel bad. ”

    Its time you shouted “Next!!!! “

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:41am

  255. 255: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens!
    Just wanted to share with you that i feel very happy today… I just found out that i passed all of my exams at med-school for the past semester and am glowing!!!
    Today talking to C is going to be very hard but at least I was gifted with these news today so that little happiness vibe that will vibrate within me will coe through as real!
    Thank you all for your support!!!
    Will let you know how it goes!!! :-))

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:20am

  256. 256: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    194: Lisi says:
    Andi –

    Read #96 by Femininewoman.

    That’s what Daria was quoting.

    ***

    Thanks! Sometimes it’s hard to keep up.

    Also thank you Daria for reposting!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:52am

  257. 257: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 255 LittleDoc congratulations. May I suggest that when talking to him if he contacts you that you try to focus on how you felt when preparing for the exams, how you felt after the writing the exams and how exhilarated and proud you now feel about yourself and your life. This to me is a great springboard to sahre yourself and the exciting things that are happening in your self. If he in turn starts to share about his life I would look for an opportunity to say “tell me more” to show him I am interested in him as a human being. I feel it is very important for you to steer clear of the relationship talk unless he brings it up. The exams are a great springboard to share your feelings about what’s happening in your life. This will give you practice to be authentic and vulnerable in an area that is not so scary.

    Were you scared going into the exams? Where you apprehensive about the results? These are questions I would explore expanding scripts about for talking to him. I might also be advisable to write them here so other sirens can help you tweak them.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:06am

  258. 258: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    73: Eternity says:
    Found out a friend I haven’t seen in about 12m is using the same dating site as I am! We are comparing notes and fellas. I’m feeling so much better about this, not so alone, and great about reconnecting with an old friend.

    ***

    Eternity, I am so glad for you! It really does make a difference!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:12am

  259. 259: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Alicia

    Re: Maya Angelou

    ”…I was a woman in my time” meaning of course if she knew now.. but she didnt and was very accepting of herself in that time…”

    Do you know the context of this phrase? When reading it by itself it I don’t have the same understanding of it as you do. The phrase by itself I would not interpret that way.

    With nothing else to go on, my sense of it is that she acted as circumstances permitted; however, that would usually be expressed as “I was a woman of my time…”

    I like Maya Angelou. I’d like to read the whole thing or a little more of it if you have it. Just curious.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:15am

  260. 260: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    I am trying to connect/re-connect with as many people to create more positive experiences so I won’t fas possible to not feel so isolated right now. (I became very isolated during my long distance realtionship – ironic) It feels really good!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:15am

  261. 261: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @255: LittleDoc says:
    “.. I just found out that i passed all of my exams at med-school for the past semester and am glowing!!!…”

    Congratulations! This is a big achievement.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:22am

  262. 262: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 242 Maggie I feel like you are shooting yourself in the foot here. I feel you are doing mostly great just that it sounds like your self-esteem needs a bit of a help. You are gorgeous, you are a prize, he would be lucky to get you because of all the work you are doing on yourself. I would look at building my self-esteem by looking in the mirror and telling myself I am irresistible and I am worthy. He needs to feel that you feel that way about yourself for him to feel that way about you. IMHO he needs to hear I know any man who gets me is lucky and I am now in a place where I want to stop casual dating, and move my life forward. I am girl and I tend to want more as time goes on. In other words I feel it is now time for the no girlfriend speech. The other ladies here might be better at suggesting how to say it. Being at the 3 month mark it seems like a great place to pull away some of the attention you have been giving him to frustrate him and build some tension to get him to start talking about commitment.

    “I feel those moments are because of a conversation that hasn’t happened that I’ve been too chicken to initiate about the fact that we’re still both going on dates with other people.” I would hazard a guys that he feels this too why he might be talking about the future and initiating intimate moments. IMHO those are your queues to bring up the topic. Maybe ask about how he views his life in the future, what his dreams are what his fantasies are. Hopefully this will nudge him to ask the same of you and in that context you could share what you feel you want in your future including the fact that you are ready and open for “a relationship with a man who will …………….” No pressure, asking him for it with him just your dream for your life in 1 year, two year whatever your limit is; just that you have to remember that this is also boundary setting and you will have to stick with it. It feels like you are in a great place where radical honesty would work well for you and give him an idea about what you want. Remember he cannot read your mind.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:28am

  263. 263: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Advice from David Wygant
    Men and women are wired very differently. It was the fact that she even wondered about this, though, that led me to see that FOR WOMEN TO
    CHANGE THEIR DATING LIVES THEY NEED TO START THINKING LIKE A MAN.

    Here are 5 reasons why all of you women out there NEED to start thinking like a man in your dating life:

    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
    REASON #1:
    MEN ARE NOT WIRED LIKE WOMEN
    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

    We don’t think about every little, tiny thing. If our elbow itches, we itch it. If you we have to blow our nose, we blow it. We don’t wonder why our elbow itches. Men don’t make these things any more complicated than that.

    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
    REASON #2:
    MEN DON’T SEARCH FOR THE “WHY” IN EVERYTHING
    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

    Men don’t need to find the deeper meaning (or assume there is any deeper meaning) in everything.
    Women have to find out the “why” for everything they do and everything that happens to them.

    “Why does this guy like me? What does this mean?”

    Here’s the truth of the matter…

    It doesn’t mean anything!! You have to think like a man!

    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
    REASON #3:
    TO MEET MEN, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO “SPEAK MAN.”
    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

    If you are attracted to a man, smile at him and stare at him.
    Speak man!

    To “speak man” means that you need to be obvious. We need you to be
    obvious.

    If you’re obvious, we’ll walk over like a puppy dog. We don’t want
    to sit there, thinking and wondering all night long what your casual
    two second glance means.

    We WANT you to smile at us and talk to us.

    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
    REASON #4:
    MEN AREN’T THINKING WHAT YOU THINK THEY ARE
    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

    Stop trying to anticipate a man’s reaction to you based upon how you as a woman thinks. Women so often assume that men are thinking certain ways about how women behave, and women so often are so WRONG! If you look at us, we are not thinking that you’re easy. All we are thinking is that you are looking at us.

    Really, that’s all!

    We are, in fact, so glad that you’re being obvious enough for us to get it that we almost want to high-five you!

    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
    REASON #5:
    TO MEET MEN, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR ENERGY.
    - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

    This secret is a biggie … so pay attention!

    if you want to meet men you need to wake up! What I mean is that you not only need to start thinking like a man, but you also need to change how you interact with men based on this knowledge.

    So, start staring and be obvious!! You’ll have more men coming over than you’ll ever want to date.

    If you continue to be coy, you won’t get the boy. If you’re tired of staying home alone on Saturday nights, then you need to realize that nothing is going to change until you change your energy.

    OK … I know this has been a TON of info, but I need to ask you
    one last question…and be honest with yourself here…

    When is the last time you saw a man to whom you were attracted,
    and you took a risk by smiling at him and got him to come over with
    the powers of your femininity?

    If it’s been longer than a week, then you’re not doing it right.

    If a man doesn’t approach you and talk to you, it is because you either didn’t know how to bring the man over or you didn’t do anything to get him to approach you.

    Start taking responsibility for your own dating life, and you’ll start improving it immediately!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:34am

  264. 264: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    from the article mentioned above: “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    ***

    WTF. Ouch. This makes me sad and scared. :(

    FeminineWoman, wondering, is there more to this article? Still find the frustration part interesting. Thanks!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:38am

  265. 265: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 236 Tmizz “I’m just on the fence right now about whether I should write back and tell him I’m not feeling up to the date tomorrow, or whether I should just go through with it – sometimes I have a tendency to back out of things for no good reason”

    You are entitled to change your mind, it is your life and your choices to make. If he gets mad so what? At the same time healing yourself includes exposing yourself to what triggers you, however I hasten to say if you feel he is capable of physically harming you you might really want to rethink? Can you identify clearly what it is you are uneasy about?

    “It feels so good, after going out several times with a man who wanted to be with me, but who didn’t display it in a very overt fashion.” Do you feel good about him wantign to be with you or about his behavior this is not clear. If you want overt displays or public displays of affection that he is not doing, it sounds to me like controlling the outcome. Maybe it is not something he does but something you need and someone else might be able to give it to you?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:49am

  266. 266: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 264 Will check if you let me know which comment you are refering to, though I doubt it.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:50am

  267. 267: Been There, Done ThatNo Gravatar says:

    A lot of this advice is JUST WRONG. Not cook dinner? Not pamper him? That is exactly why men become addicted to you, they love the attention!

    If I stopped doing this my man would think there was something wrong.

    It’s very bad advice. If your man likes to have dinner etc why would you deprive him?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:51am

  268. 268: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    Request for Siren input…

    This guy is emailing me back and forth. He said he wanted to have some fun with me (flirting) so I asked what he meant, this is what I got back. The first date with him we met for drinks at a bar…it was ehhh…and he seems to be the type who wants me to pick what we do…don’t like it. Here is the last thing he said:

    “hahah you are testing me right.. what do you miss the most honestly.. I miss companionship, romance and passion.. what about you..”

    ????? I have no idea of how to respond. I can be the email flirt queen. But don’t know how to handle this one. Makes me scratch my head. I just want the dude to pick a place and let me know! If he misses romance and passion, how do I get him to show it? Without telling him.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:51am

  269. 269: AmyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies,

    I am feeling sad today….and the reason is so stupid, but it is still how I feel. The guy I have been reconnecting with has step-up so much since I gave him the ‘no girlfriend” speech a few weeks ago. It has been amazing and has made me feel so loved and appreciated (which I have let him know). However, this week I feel as if we have slowed down a little… he called on Monday to let me know something real quick, the other day to tell me to be careful driving home cuz of the weather. I texted him to tell him that he was so sweet to look out for me and that I would be. I then called him that night to make sure he got home ok…I still haven’t heard from him (it has only been one day, but still after the last few weeks, it feels like an eternity). I have been doing things taht make me happy and still have an open heart for when he does come back, but I am scared we are taking a step backwards. What should I do? Just hang back??

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:54am

  270. 270: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Re 264 Note however that this is all referring to the physical aspect suggesting physical attraction. Emotional attraction is also apparently necessary for him to fall in love with you. Reason for the feeling messages so he can get into his feelings and frustrating him with the leaning back no contact while you continue with circular dating and enjoying your life.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:54am

  271. 271: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    LittleDoc:

    Yay!!! Congratulations :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:56am

  272. 272: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 269 “I then called him that night to make sure he got home ok”

    Amy IMHO is you leaning forward, letting him know he has reeled you in so he can relax his efforts a bit. Give him time to get it right, it is only one day. Also it is not stupid it is how you feel. Is your feelings letting you know that maybe you would like an everyday relationship him? Or at least a little every day to let you know he is thinking of you? If you don’t get this will you lean forward with a harsh demand taking away his options? We have to understand that we don’t always get what we want in life. It is okay to ask for it in a way that inspire other people to give it to us. We might think we are entitled to stuff but others might think differently. We always have to be willing to let go of the outcome, let go of control and be okay with getting no for an answer. If you need the everyday connection it might not be something he can do. However for right now IMHO there is no reason for creating any reasons around this. Sit back and let him enjoy the ride coming towards you. It will feel better that way.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:02am

  273. 273: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @268: Andi says:
    “..I just want the dude to pick a place and let me know! If he misses romance and passion,…”

    His response sounded OK to me; I’d think I was being “tested” too if I were guy and woman asked me that! I’m wondering how the question came up on first date. Where you two comparing divorces or something like that?

    It might be me, it probably *is* me :oops: but I would feel weird on first date asking guy about lack of romance and passion in his life. How did it come up? Did he say he was feeling desperate? I have a sense there is some desperation here. I’ll be following along to see how this turns out! Good, I hope!
    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:05am

  274. 274: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    76: Nancy says:
    A 2nd potential CD called last night. It felt great talking with him. Today, he e-mailed saying he was wondering what I like to do for fun. I stewed, because I don’t want an e-mail relationship. I want real men in my real life. So finally, tonight I replied and said, “It feels so good that you want to know me better and I feel nervous saying this because I don’t want that to change, but it would feel so much better and more fun to talk about that over the phone or in person. After all, we form dating relationships in search of a deeply personal, satisfying relationship and e-mail just feels, well, too impersonal.” He called 15 minutes after I sent it and set a date for Sat. night. Success!

    ***

    Yay Nancy! That’s great!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:13am

  275. 275: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    273: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @268: Andi says:
    “..I just want the dude to pick a place and let me know! If he misses romance and passion,…”

    ***

    Ooops, sorry, let me see if I can explain this better. That did not come up on the first meeting. We kind of just had small talk…it went kind of ehhhh.

    Two weeks later he emails me and says do you want to get together again. Then we start flirting back and forth, he says he wants to have some fun with me what would I like to do (it was flirting, not insulting) so I emailed him back and said no, what do you mean by fun, you pick! (Being playful.) And this is what he emailed me back. So I don’t know what to say

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:18am

  276. 276: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    SLV, he meant “tested” because there was a little bit of sexual innuendo when we were flirting back and forth, using the word “fun.” So when I said what kind of fun, what do you want to do, this is what he said back:

    “hahah you are testing me right.. what do you miss the most honestly.. I miss companionship, romance and passion.. what about you..”

    I wasn’t expecting this answer…

    He seems to be the kind of guy that wants me to pick the things we do…I don’t like it. And if he says he misses romance, I would like him to show me! By picking a romantic place to go or something for the next date.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:23am

  277. 277: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi FW, it waas this one:

    96: Femininewoman says:
    Did You Know:

    A 15-year-long study found that a person’s happiness level before marriage was the best predictor of happiness after marriage. In other words, marriage won’t automatically make one happy.

    Source: John M.Gottman

    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In The Relationship

    I hear from hundreds of women each month who tell me the following: “It was going so great between us. He was calling me every day and saying how much he cared for me. He was even talking about having a future together, and then he suddenly got cold. He said he didn’t know why, but
    something just didn’t seem right. He said it wasn’t me that it was him. Now he claims he isn’t sure about us anymore and wants to take a break. I feel like I’m losing my mind – help!”

    Can you relate to this woman? Even if this hasn’t happened to you personally, it’s terrifying to imagine the man you love suddenly acting cold and detached from you. Some women comfort themselves with the thought, “Oh that would never happen to me.” Let me tell you that no matter how pretty, young looking or charming you are, a man can fall out of love with you. Don’t ever take a man’s love for granted.

    Here’s the good news, you can not only arouse but also maintain his passion for you by understanding what he needs, instead of giving him what he thinks he wants. During the first 6 months of a relation-ship, do you know what a man really needs? What’s your guess – passion, fun or unlimited sex? Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time
    with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    The women that hold a hypnotic hold over men know this fact well. They don’t consider it “game playing” or beneath themselves, because they have one goal in mind. They’re tired of dating and they’re ready to get married. They’ve had enough dates to realize that they don’t need any more practice. You can become this woman.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:26am

  278. 278: AmyNo Gravatar says:

    @272: Thank you femininewoman, you are so right! I don’t feel bad with leaning forward a little because that is just how I am… I follow suit to his actions. If he calls me alot, I don’t mind leaning forward a little, but if he doens’t call back then I lean back until he does. It feels like a good balance to me. But, again, you are right. It feels better to talk it out here and just sit back and be surprised of the outcome. Yay! :)

    Also, what does IMHO stand for? Sorry, I am slow… lol

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:27am

  279. 279: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 278 me too, In My Humble Opinion

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:34am

  280. 280: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Re 276 Andi remember all guys will say that but he also needs some tension and frustration to get into his real feelings for you. I guess it might also be okay to say “it would feel good to go bowling, or skating” to give an idea of the type of things you like. At least he would have options that he could pick from.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:37am

  281. 281: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 276 Maybe he has no idea of what “romantic” is to you, it might have a different meaning for him.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:38am

  282. 282: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 268 Andi he is asking you what do you miss. It seems if you don’t know what to respond, maybe you don’t yourself well? Is what I am sensing here. Am I wrong?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:41am

  283. 283: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 267 Been There Done That it is because guys take us for granted when we settle into roles, it is human behavior. When we get taken for granted then we eventually get resentful and things start to unravel, I have seen it over and over again. Yes they love the attention and that is the reason why they settle into the “girlfriend for now” pattern until their wife shows up. The thing that would actually be “wrong” would be you giving him space to give to you and if he is a healthy great man he will want to give.

    One thing I have watched in the world between many couples is that when women just sit next to the guy, he leans over to her, massages her and hugs her. When we lean towards them they just suck it in.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:46am

  284. 284: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 277 Andi there is no more but the answer in the article is “Most men would say, “Oh yes, I’d love those things!” But passion, fun or sex alone won’t make him bond with you. What men need during this time is for you to frustrate them. When I say frustrate him, I am referring to not letting him spend as much time with you as he wants. It won’t feel natural, but it creates tension. When it comes to dating, memorize this phrase, “Tension is your friend.”

    Circular dating does this because at times if we are doing it right he will have to wait, he will feel our vibe and want it, he will know we think we are hot and want to have it all for himself.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:51am

  285. 285: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    282: Femininewoman says:
    RE 268 Andi he is asking you what do you miss. It seems if you don’t know what to respond, maybe you don’t yourself well? Is what I am sensing here. Am I wrong?

    Hi, thank you for you responses. Well, yes I actually miss all of those things. (Companionship, romance, passion.) And that is what I was going to say back to him. But honestly especially on the first time we met for drinks at the bar he did not seem to have a romantic or passionate bone in his body! So I guess I am just trying to figure him out.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:58am

  286. 286: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 285 Maybe for him romance means sex?? What does romance mean to you?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:05am

  287. 287: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    Good question! And I was wondering the same thing! People define those terms in very different ways. So it would interesting to ask him. Or, he can tell me in person! lol

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:08am

  288. 288: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 285 I am passionate about my children, seeing them excel in school and my work in helping people on my job calculate travel entitlements. I am passionate about changing the way my body looks so that I have commited to getting up at 4:00 a.m. in the mornings to work out before I leave for work. I am so passionate I work out for 2 hours on the weekends.

    Sometimes I think we forget that mostly guys go to bars to pick up chicks and to get laid. Sorry to be so blunt, but these are always the types who really want to settle yet. Guys can be found in supermarkets around 7 p.m. if they are single and looking for dinner. Guys can be found in the gym or at the swimming pool. Sorry but when in a bar with a guy who talks to me about passion, maybe I am wrong but I think he means only one thing.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:12am

  289. 289: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 285 Andi do you think if it was about you, if you were focussed on how you were feeling around him, asking why am I here, you would be trying to figure him out? They tend to show us honestly and tell us who they are on the first dates but we don’t listen. Many times boring or grumpy?!!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:15am

  290. 290: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    This guy is different, I met him on an online site, I think he is a quality dating candidate or I wouldn’t be pursuing anything with him…we have been in dialog back and forth for a while…the bar for a drink was really the first meet and greet to see if we were interested…sorry for the confusion!

    Wow! You get up at 4:00AM, that is admirable!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:16am

  291. 291: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    289: Femininewoman says:
    RE 285 Andi do you think if it was about you, if you were focussed on how you were feeling around him, asking why am I here, you would be trying to figure him out?

    ***

    Also a very good point! I found him rather boring, no spark. But to give the benefit of the doubt it was our first meeting, pretty brief, and I am new to this online dating thing…and for some reason I still feel some attraction toward him. But it is like he is nibbling, not much masculine energy, and I am wanting to see if he will step it up and maybe show more of himself.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:19am

  292. 292: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 290 ” I wouldn’t be pursuing anything with him”

    Andi in my humble opinion this should be flipped in your head, he should be pursuing you. It seems you are in his head trying to figure out what he is about. I learnt from Loneplum that is like emotional rape. “It would feel good if he was pursuing me” so I will just lean back see what he “does”, chose my words and be surprised. I feel too much psychic energy going out. Don’t get me wrong I go there too, I am just getting you to focus a little here.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:20am

  293. 293: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Do you really believe this is so?

    “They tend to show us honestly and tell us who they are on the first dates but we don’t listen.”

    Very interesting…still learning because I have never really had many first dates til now!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:21am

  294. 294: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    You are right, at soon as I wrote the word
    “pursuing” I started questioning if it was the right word.

    I should have said allowed…

    I have always leaned back with this guy…I have always just responded to him…but he is really a nibbler compared to the other men who have more actively pursued me. I don’t pursue! That is the one thing I have trying to do now that I have learned here.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:24am

  295. 295: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 293 I have had the experience that is so. They will tell you I am not looking for commitment, I am dating two other people etc. I have heard one coach say find a way in a playful to ask “so why aren’t you married” on the first date or very early on and you will be surprised that they do answer you. They all think they are good guys and they have a code of honor that they will not break, they will tell you. It is up to you if you want to accept them, after that it will be very hard to get the truth out of them. I have heard interviews with relationship experts say people on their first date see their future husband drink a whole bottle of vodka but they ignored the signs until after marriage when it hits them that the guy is an alcoholic. So now I relax lean back and let him do as much talking as he wants to play his hand so I know what he is bringing to the table. They will be honest up front, they have nothing to hide as they are not yet invested.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:27am

  296. 296: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    I think my issue is, I lean back, and he just nibbles. I am frustrated with his lack of pursuit. Like, why is he even talking to me? When is he going to do something. And honestly, there are others that are pursuing me that I have more interest in.

    I am realizing now that this whatever it is with him is not effortless like Rori says it should be!

    Just new to all this and trying to figure out all the arrow that are coming toward me.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:29am

  297. 297: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Being a nibbler is not exactly bad. He might be afraid, he might be taking his time to get to know you before he totally opens up. People tend to take up to six months to show you who they really are anyway. What happens when the ones who pursue you hard in the beginning eventually cools down?

    On the flip side are you being totally open and vulnerable with him or are you playing it safe? Remember if he is experienced he will reflect this back to you in being safe also. Remember guys have a lot of experience with women because they date a lot unlike us. They know what to expect with women, most of the times.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:31am

  298. 298: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    boy my typos are bad today! lol

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:32am

  299. 299: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone

    Random question: is is leaning forward for Sirens to send Valentine’s Day cards?

    Obviously, we would feel very happy to receive cards, flowers, chocolates, dinners etc etc . .

    But what about sending cards, anonymously?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:33am

  300. 300: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    I am probably playing it safe.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:34am

  301. 301: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    FW, since we are talking about first dates…the best one I have had so far is the one that kept bringing back the focus on me, because he was interested in me. Very genuine. Very much a gentleman in all respects. But it turns out he is also now pursuing me hard, very aggressive, so I do worry that he may turn cold, and what his deal is, just like you said.

    Yikes I think too much!

    Thank you for talking through all this with me!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:38am

  302. 302: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    I wish I could just enjoy the process more and not worry so much…

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:42am

  303. 303: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    So, I ran into Failure to Follow Up Guy @ work. We had one date. He emailed & said,maybe let’s do it again. Then no response.

    I smiled, nodded & continued what I was doing. He looked like a deer in the head lights.

    I got “it’s not you, it’s me” email. Says he’s still all messed up about his divorce & gonna stop dating. But he’s put recent profiles on every dating site I know of, & they proudly display this guy’s been on in the paast 24 hrs.

    I kinda wanna make fun of him. Maybe that’s a defense pattern on my part. But how stupid can you be? Really?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:49am

  304. 304: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Gosh, I have been reading Christian Carters’ newsletters for over a month now…and I sincerely feel frustrated…He goes in circles…is like saying something without ever making a point…:( While I understand the marketing strategy to get us to purchase his products to find out the whole “thing”, still…can u get to the point?

    Rori’s letters are simple and to the point…There are always tools and examples I can relate and use whether or not I purchase the program…

    Hmm…I feel triggered…I feel annoyed…

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:59am

  305. 305: marinaNo Gravatar says:

    Addiction, woo, well hello, I am an addict too!
    I am addicted to life!

    And to this website, FB, climbing, chocolate, sex, BF4, staying up late, looping on my NV’s, climbing…
    What if you are addicted to healthy things???

    Anthony Robbins and Cloe Madanes say that all human beings have 6 human needs:
    the need for:
    Love and Connection
    Significance
    Certainty
    Uncertainty
    Growth
    Contribution

    If anything meets at least 3 of these needs (esp the first 4), we are hooked!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:03am

  306. 306: marinaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Darling Ella, I so totally agree with you!
    I feel the same….
    And I have some of CC’s products. I think he uses way too much blahblah to get his message through.
    Not my cup of tea.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:06am

  307. 307: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Andi
    “…at the bar he did not seem to have a romantic or passionate bone in his body! So I guess I am just trying to figure him out…”

    I inferred he was “missing” those things… Does he think you are too? As I mentioned…is there a note of desperation in him? Such as his former partner ran off with his best friend… or he assumes all women on dating sites are “missing” companionship, romance, passion…? Sounds kind of low energy to me, of course I was not there…and maybe he’s a real “up” kind of guy…

    I don’t have a partner but I have companionship, romance and passion in my life and I would find it kind of lacking if a new guy I met somehow assumed I did not, mainly because he hadn’t I would think.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:07am

  308. 308: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 299 Lorelei what jumped to my mind was why would you want to do that? What does it achieve by sending it anonymously? Taking into consideration the “giving back” thought I feel it would be leaning forward if not in a relationship. If it is only dating I don’t. Do you like receiving gifts/cards? I prefer spending time with the person and being hugged. Point is if in a relationship I would prefer to ask the person what they would like rather than choosing to give them what I think they want.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:10am

  309. 309: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Marina #306

    I feel relieved that I am not the only one :) I love the “blah, blah…blah” part :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:12am

  310. 310: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW says:

    “…I am passionate about changing the way my body looks so that I have commited to getting up at 4:00 a.m. in the mornings to work out before I leave for work. I am so passionate I work out for 2 hours on the weekends….”

    I thought I was passionate! You’ll have to loan me some of that! Truly. I passed by full-length mirror yesterday and I was looking kind of chub… ‘who is that woman’ kind of chub…LOL :lolL

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:14am

  311. 311: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 304 Darling Ella you are right “There are always tools and examples I can relate and use whether or not I purchase the program”. This is what I prefer about Rori also. However, I have been reading CC for over a year now. As time goes along he adds stuff, examples, recommendations to the same emails and gives great tidbits about what to do. Yes he uses a lot of blah blah because we as women are notorious for wanting to solve mysteries. I have learnt a lot from him though because he does eventually get to the meat of the matter.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:15am

  312. 312: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 310 SLV even with that I still feel I am hot. I was skinny as a whip in my younger days but compared to others my age, I am hot. Ahh I love that!!!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:19am

  313. 313: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @289: Femininewoman says:
    “…They tend to show us honestly and tell us who they are on the first dates but we don’t listen…”

    Absolutely in first three dates; they will say the actual words but they might be said casually in response to something else. If you had a little recorder and played back the words a couple of months later, you would be surprised, it’s all there!!!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:21am

  314. 314: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Been There, Done That,

    Re: #267 – Cute name! :-) When we cook for a man and pamper him, we are being a wife before we are a wife. When I marry, I am going to pamper my man so much he won’t know what hit him!

    But until then, the idea is to up our degree of difficulty and let him work for it to win us. Otherwise he will tend to take us for granted. Daria or Rori could probably explain it better, but that is my understanding.

    The reason i buy what they say is because when I was dating Ryan for 10 months, before I started listening to Rori’s programs, I pampered and cooked for Ryan. And the long term effect was that he got in the habit of being served, and he rarely served me. I rubbed his back for long periods of time, and he rarely rubbed my back. It felt very one way and I felt neglected.

    I am learning from Rori how to value myself and how to set healthy boundaries to only let a man in my life if he values me, too.

    What do you think?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:21am

  315. 315: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    307: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @Andi
    “…at the bar he did not seem to have a romantic or passionate bone in his body! So I guess I am just trying to figure him out…”

    I inferred he was “missing” those things… Does he think you are too? As I mentioned…is there a note of desperation in him? Such as his former partner ran off with his best friend… or he assumes all women on dating sites are “missing” companionship, romance, passion…? Sounds kind of low energy to me, of course I was not there…and maybe he’s a real “up” kind of guy…

    I don’t have a partner but I have companionship, romance and passion in my life and I would find it kind of lacking if a new guy I met somehow assumed I did not, mainly because he hadn’t I would think.

    xoxo
    SLV

    ***

    No desperation, just low energy I think.

    Actually he did talk about his ex some, that he still has the caretaking feelings come up when he is around her sometimes(like I used to take care of her and I find myself still wanting to do it…)

    Honestly, I think this guy wants sex. But he is still trying to be a “good” guy and say the right things.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:22am

  316. 316: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @299: Lorelei says:

    Hi Lorelei, it looks like I’ll be sending a Valentine’s Day “valentine” anonymously to myself…. LOL :lol:

    And a couple chocolate truffles or chocolate dipped strawberries too…

    Also I’m kinda thinking about making a “Valentine” tree and using my “Christmas” tree lights because I love those so much. I’ve never done it before but just came up with the idea this morning when I went outside and had a moment of regret walking through the gardens. The snow was still beautiful but nothing like the way it looked when all the Christmas lights etc where there.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:31am

  317. 317: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Andi, I haven’t read all of the responses to your questin about responding to the guy who misses companionship, romance and passion. However, in my experience with an ex all of those can be interpretted as sex. I believe he was attempting to take the flirtation to it’s logical conclusion. So, I believe he was baiting you into consenting to get together for some “fun.” You turned the question around and asked him what he wanted to do…when I read that, I interpretted it as a test as well, as in “is he going to step up and ask for what he wants?” To me, his response was close to what I was expecting. Bottom line…he’s horny. He doesn’t want to go to a romantic restaurant or pick a place. I think he wants an invite for a snuggle on the couch.

    This is all, obviously just guessing, but this guy sounds a lot like I guy I used to see who wouldn’t come out and say exactly what he was thinking, but as soon as the conversation turned flirtatious, he would use all kinds of euohamisms…he either wanted erotic texts, phone sex, or to come visit. It got old quickly…

    This is all IMHO – keep what fits, toss what doesn’t.
    Happy Thursday Sirens!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:35am

  318. 318: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman:

    Thank you for sharing your experience :) “Yes he uses a lot of blah blah because we as women are notorious for wanting to solve mysteries.” LOL Yep, I relate to it at times…

    As I think of why his writing style triggers me…I realize one reason could be because it reminds of reading “tax law”…I deal with it on a daily basis…and as a result, I feel turned off and annoyed when something outside work reminds me of the frustrating part of my work…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:43am

  319. 319: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella this is from Christian Carter and I think there is information in here not just blah blah

    Here’s something fascinating I’ve noticed. Tons of women do this one thing. And it must leave them feeling awful…I wonder if you do it, too?

    I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love. Ever felt this way?

    It happens when you don’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away.” Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away IF you don’t know how to communicate with a man in a way that gets him to listen to you and not hear what his fears want him to hear.

    The way you talk to a man about a relationship can turn out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

    I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

    I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man (and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general – man or woman).

    See, there’s a common pattern most men and women share when it comes to their dating experiences. Tell me if it sounds familiar to you.

    THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…

    (Let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman.)

    You and I meet. We both like each other. (Lucky me!)

    Our feelings develop for each other on several levels (physically, emotionally, socially).

    You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and play it cool. We have a great “connection” and have a great time when we’re together… but we never really talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship, or marriage. Time goes by and things are great for us when we’re together. But eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship once you start to see that things aren’t moving past this “casual” but fun situation. Which brings up a dilemma in your mind. You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.

    You want us to get closer, but you don’t want to “rock the boat” and do something that will make things worse, when all you want is for things to be even more magical for us both together. Plus, you’re a little scared about how things are going to go in the future because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past and part of you knows that I might not be “open” or seem “ready” for the kind of true love and a lasting relationship that we could have.

    And sometimes I even make negative remarks about dating and relationships that make you think that there’s a part of me that doesn’t “get” what we have together or fully appreciate it the way you do.

    Of course, you don’t want to ruin the good things we have going, but in the back of your mind, you know that you want to talk about where things are headed so you can have some certainty and not feel like you’re just waiting around for me to “get with the program” and figure it out.

    But the more you think about this, and us, the more you start to feel fear and the negative emotions that come into your mind. You think to yourself, “What if he’s not that serious about me and I’m totally in love with him?”

    “What if this is all he wants, and I’m left hanging after putting so much into this?”

    “What if everything that I’ve been feeling and starting to count on isn’t real!?”

    Your head is full of these thoughts… but you still don’t communicate with me about them.

    Then, as I start to see us growing closer, a few things start to happen for me at the same time:

    - I notice that you’re acting different and seem more emotional, more worried, and almost “needy” when we’re together

    - I notice that we don’t have as much fun anymore and that things are starting to feel “heavy” and like it’s “work” when we’re together

    - You don’t seem to be so “into me” anymore, and you aren’t just happy to see me and share your love and affection when we first see each other

    - I start to notice that you question me a lot more, and react to little things that I do, no matter how small or insignificant I think they are

    And finally…- I start to pull away as I feel these things and don’t know what they are (which only makes you feel worse, worry more, reinforces the negative distance we’re both starting to feel between us) But still, you’re trying to play it cool and let things work out without freaking out.

    So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings. And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!) But you become more and more frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act. Things begin to change with the way I treat you. I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore. I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore. I’m tired every day after work and just want to watch TV when I get home. I call you less frequently. I don’t initiate sex as much anymore. You even consider that I could be seeing someone else because of how differently I’m acting with you now.

    And after a few months – I’ve become totally distant from you.

    So what happens next?

    You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk. But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want because it will scare me away, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

    And to wrap the story up…You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”! (You get upset and lose your cool with me.)

    All the desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…

    This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

    Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

    It might include:

    - Complaining about the current state of the relationship

    - Talking about the things he does wrong with you

    - Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing

    - Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel

    - Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

    But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama.” Especially in the guy’s mind.

    This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive results, move things FORWARD and become CLOSER in your relationship.
    That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it. In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him. And yes, I know it’s not fair. But it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…

    I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake. And yeah, I also know that this is an immature, selfish and unfair way to see things… but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up being “that woman” to the man in their lives.

    So… the million dollar question is -

    How do you avoid this situation?

    And what do you do instead to communicate with a man in a way that won’t scare him off but bring you closer and build a better foundation for communication and your relationship?

    I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

    Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man…

    Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place. Honestly… this isn’t how it works with most men in the real world.
    If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, odds are that you’re wrong.

    Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed RELATIONSHIP. Some men do, but not most.

    For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms. Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

    Scary, right?

    And all the “common wisdom” tells you that doing this is the surest way to scare a man off. But what about women who seem to “effortlessly” get a man to fall in love with them and commit, without any struggles or tension? Is it just luck?

    While in some rare cases this is true… it’s generally NOT luck. It’s that these women either naturally know how to interact and communicate with men in relationships in a way that WORKS…

    OR they’ve taken the time to find and learn the right information, and integrate a new, more productive and positive way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

    Doing this is not easy. In fact, it’s a “skill” most people have to learn to finally create and grow and real, lasting, loving relationship.

    But the good news is that there’s a very easy way to learn and get help.

    Keep reading…

    Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

    EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life (in every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want. The root of this problem basically boils down to having your own needs that are unmet. So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be… without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.

    Here’s the thing…When you do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

    And men pick up on and “read” women who do this.

    Instantly.

    I see a form of this “Big Mistake” all the time in business by the way. Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need-oriented” communication. Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it. The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what THEY WANT from me… the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.

    It’s very simple… but extremely powerful. So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men. It might sound cliche, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from.

    Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations. Or course, you’ve also got to be careful to not become the woman who gives a man EVERYTHING and gets walked on either.

    We’ll get to how to make sure you are “heard” and have your needs met in a minute…

    Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

    Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…

    Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

    I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself – and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

    So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships. Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen. Or at least to get it started and make it a part of your ongoing relationship.

    Luckily, if motivated, men can be great learners who pick things up quickly and like to succeed at new things. So learn to take advantage of their strengths, instead of condemning them for their weaknesses. It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

    If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise, he will LOVE YOU for it! And return the favor.

    When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt or anxious.

    Try this instead…Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I am happy to be with you.” It might sound submissive, corny, or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.

    Oh, and one more thing…

    If you’re having a hard time talking to your man, no matter WHAT you say or HOW you say it, there may be deeper issues here than simply putting a “positive spin” on what it is you’re thinking and feeling.

    If your boyfriend is misunderstanding what you’re trying to tell him, or ignoring what you’ve been telling him, or has simply SHUT DOWN and isn’t telling you anything about what he’s feeling, then it’s time you took a whole different approach.

    I mean, unless you’re completely open and honest about what you are BOTH experiencing in your relationship, and what your expectations and needs are, there’s a big danger in having your man “drop the bomb” on you when you least expect it.

    You’ll be going through weeks or months of silence or tension, only to have him come to you one day to tell you, “I’m not in love with you anymore,” or “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

    Don’t allow this happen.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:45am

  320. 320: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @317: Pamelala says:
    “…Happy Thursday Sirens!…”

    Thanks, and to you too! First day of the weekend… :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:45am

  321. 321: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – it’s the first day of my 4 day weekend as well! Yay!

    I’m off to try and get my laptop fixed…ugh

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:54am

  322. 322: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW #319:

    Yep, this is the one got me triggered…I read it this morning…:) It feels like he is taking Rori’s viewpoints about the importance of expressing ourselves in feelings messages and yet, making it his own…this letter is actually such a blah, blah, blah to me…:)

    And yes, I read his ebook too last year…Yes, at times he has a good point…but u literally have to dig through the letter to get his point…:)

    Different communication style…I sure know it’s not mine :)

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 9:57am

  323. 323: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    317: Pamelala says:
    Andi, I haven’t read all of the responses to your questin about responding to the guy who misses companionship, romance and passion. However, in my experience with an ex all of those can be interpretted as sex. I believe he was attempting to take the flirtation to it’s logical conclusion. So, I believe he was baiting you into consenting to get together for some “fun.” You turned the question around and asked him what he wanted to do…when I read that, I interpretted it as a test as well, as in “is he going to step up and ask for what he wants?” To me, his response was close to what I was expecting. Bottom line…he’s horny. He doesn’t want to go to a romantic restaurant or pick a place. I think he wants an invite for a snuggle on the couch.

    This is all, obviously just guessing, but this guy sounds a lot like I guy I used to see who wouldn’t come out and say exactly what he was thinking, but as soon as the conversation turned flirtatious, he would use all kinds of euohamisms…he either wanted erotic texts, phone sex, or to come visit. It got old quickly…

    This is all IMHO – keep what fits, toss what doesn’t.

    ***

    This sounds right to me, thanks for sharing about a similar experience. When I called it on him, he said “oh I want romance.” The thing is, he needs to ask ME for a snuggle on the sofa! Ha!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:02am

  324. 324: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 322 Darling Ella I hear you but in my case I realized I got triggered because I was looking for a quick fix. I believe him taking Rori’s and making it his own might be a story being made up by your mind. Sorry if I sound blameful here. Long story short I have accepted that in life there are no quick fixes to the things that really matter so I have accepted that they involve processes. I have settled into using both advices for my own advantage as I feel they both teach the same thing just in different ways.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:04am

  325. 325: marinaNo Gravatar says:

    @ FeminineWoman & Darling Ella
    Hmm, I read this too and still I feel triggered by CC..

    I feel like somebody is holding me on a string and asking for my attention instead of just giving me the wisdom….I feel like someone is using my precious time.

    Hmm, I know I have felt that way many many times with people.

    Perhaps it is not my communication style.

    Perhaps I should use feeling messages when this feeling comes up… but how to use Feeling Messages when reading a dating expert’s email, LOL

    Anyway, gottago climbing!!!
    Have a beautiful day!

    XXX

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:04am

  326. 326: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Marina :)

    My sweet fellow European :) Interesting to see how our perception is very similar :)

    Have fun rock climbing :)

    Warm hugs from the US :)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:13am

  327. 327: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Re: 319:

    so I have to broach the subject of where things are going? When is the right time?

    I also watched the video on manimals and it’s unclear to me mr, treatsmelike gold is boyfriend material or casual whatever it was called.

    I’m struggling to remember the first three dates to figure out what he told me about himself. The very first date told me he is a dedicated father. Indeed he spent most of the time talking about his children and some issues there and how he is working on them to help them through. He’s not a complainer – I’ve met my fair share of whiners and that is not him at all.

    Honestly I think he is WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) because he’s been pretty much the same from the get go.

    The only thing he’s said that gives me even a little pause, is that “I am going to take my time” in response to a comment I made when we were discussing the pitfalls of early commitment.

    I guess I should have asked how much time? lol
    What sort of things do you bring up or how would you go about figuring out which direction the relationship is heading? Is it up to you to know or is this where being surprised comes into play?

    I heard from a guy who is/was interested in me. Long distance man. When you cd do you discuss people who are dancing around you with the one you are most interested in? How do I tell him that I am still talking to other guys and open to meeting them when he doesn’t bring up anything like that?

    Do I need to? And if you’ve already become intimate, do you suddenly decide to stop because you feel like it was too soon?

    I’m recognizing that I’m at a familiar phase for me, but I have done it much differently than in the past, so that’s a good thing. But I am trying to calm my inner fears and step purposefully. I guess I’m trying to figure out what to actually open up and be honest with him about at this point. Is there a too much too soon? Or do I just open up and tell him all the things I feel about? Yikes that’s scary even to me and it’s my stuff! lol

    *very deep sigh* Not sure how to proceed or what a Diva/rockstar/goddess would do.

    Summerbaby – who’s very sick of snow in the northeast!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:15am

  328. 328: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have to share this. A couple of guys were just going by my desk. One stopped to chit chat but he stood at a distance. I just leaned back in my chair, touched his hand that he reached out and responded to his questions about how life is. Another came over and walked right up to me hugging me from behind and rubbed his stubbled face against my ear. By the way it is lunch time. I felt prickly and tingly so I kind of wiggled in my chair and said “oohh I like that” kind of strong moving sideways in the chair. Both of them busted out laughing because the first one started saying is that the way to do it, now I feeling excited. The one who hugged me was saying that is my girl and we are dying with laughter. First is saying “I feel excited, now you have me drooling”. I said he has it down pat, he knows what I like. The first one is saying “now you have me excited, I see all of that movement. He’s the man”. I asked is that the way to do it, “show how I’m feeling”. Both of the laughing said yes.

    We were having fun but what I learnt is that they like it when we show our feelings, respond to them and accept what they are offering. Also each one come with a different set of offerings and it is up to us to show what we prefer or accept what they offer. The one who touched me totally opened up to me in the last couple of months as I practiced connecting while his mother went through sickness and eventual death. We are now very good friends who can share anything.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:18am

  329. 329: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    FW #324:

    “I believe him taking Rori’s and making it his own might be a story being made up by your mind. Sorry if I sound blameful here””…Indeed I don’t like being told WHAT i might or may not make up in my mind…However, I don’t mind being asked…:)

    It feels like being “slapped” on the face and then apologized for …as if in “sorry for slapping u” kind of thing…

    I feel displeased with the statement…It does not seem tactful to me…Yet, I know it was not mean intended…so, after saying this, I feel good to move on from this topic…

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:23am

  330. 330: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Summerbaby –
    [who’s very sick of snow in the northeast!]

    I’m loving the snow…but it doesn’t look as pretty right now…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:27am

  331. 331: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 326 Summerbaby says “guess I should have asked how much time? Is it up to you to know or is this where being surprised comes into play?

    Summerbaby the choices are all yours it is your life. Plus it is boundary setting when we tell a man I am willing to be in a casual dating sitation for 5 months, 6 months, whatever is comfortable to us, and stick by it. We are the ones doing the choosing. Asking such questions in my humble opinion puts the power in the guys hand and my understanding is they like it when we have the power and use it. I am now comfortable tellings guys I keep my options open until a man steps up with the ring. They know what I want and though some have disappeared after hearing that they tend to come back when I don’t go running after them. What I actually don’t like is when they come back they make innuendos about marriage or wife. The last one I had no contact with last year for 6 months, he came back so intense I felt overwhelmed. I recently pulled back again because there are others that I am considering because I am determined to get the best. Hopefully I won’t shoot myself in the foot.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:27am

  332. 332: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    Heehee well I am not playing it so safe with beat- around-the-bush-guy anymore I just sent him an email. We will see what happens!

    Thanks for all your feedback sirens!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:29am

  333. 333: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 329 Darling Ella thanks for that I tend to be rather blunt which is what has gotten me into all kinds of problems but funny enough I have found guys who like that. I have a boss who actually tells me he keeps me close because he knows I will slap him down if he goes too far. I also have guys tell me all the time that is the reason why they love me because I am always honest without mincing words. I have even been invited to criticize them when I apologize about possibly coming across as critical. Isn’t it funny how things work, our greatest weakness can be our greatest strengths. Thanks for pointing that out though.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:32am

  334. 334: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @329: Darling Ella:
    FW #324:

    I didn’t say anything because I skipped over what I guessed was a newsletter e-mail that was posted.

    I’ve notice sometimes in the forum that posters are stating that things are owned by Rori when they are not. I hope I am not saying this in a bad way because I don’t mean it in a bad way.

    A while ago I think someone even mentioned the concept of dating more than one man belonged to Rori. I did post some other older material about that. I don’t know what to say sometimes when i see this sort of thing. I don’t know what to say. Maybe nothing most of the time. I don’t know if saying nothing and pretending the misunderstanding is correct is helpful either; I don’t think it is.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:37am

  335. 335: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    @SLV, the snow is pretty, but it’s to the point where I have no place left to put it.

    Snow removal is the part I dislike… that and bundling up, and Raynaud’s and …. hmmm, need to shift this attitude to one that feels better.

    Sun reflecting off the snow, the beautful way the icicles glimmer in the sun, the way the mountains look all covered with snow and postcard perfect… ahhh that’s better!

    summerbaby

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:45am

  336. 336: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 334 SLV Maybe it is me but I am not sure I understand what you are saying. The conversation was about a comparison between RR and CC’s style. Not sure if there is a misunderstanding, I saw it as a discussion. Or maybe I should say there is no misunderstanding from my end. I just wanted to hear what the impression was and what she was saying. She was completely right in her assessment in how I come across. It has been my weakest suit throughout my life.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:45am

  337. 337: JennyNo Gravatar says:

    help re post 82
    what do i do? i want to tell this guy i really care and want to see him. but i think think i’ve scared him off with desperation. i’m more level headed now, have thought it through. but can’t get closure until i see him.
    Do i tell him how it is, and if so how?
    or do i leaving it, forget him, he knows hows to get in touch?
    i feel thing something is missing without him……
    oh and he might have a girl friend now but no sure he won’t confirm it.

    Help x

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:50am

  338. 338: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious.

    All of you who are dating men you really like:

    Would you be willing to kind of describe these men for me so that I can see if they are men that *I* would have been interested in if I had met them?

    The reason I’m asking is bc I am having so much trouble finding men I like… so I wonder if it’s my location or my “pickiness” or something else…

    Anyone want to help?

    When I read stories here of actually getting into relationships or at least enjoying dating a guy for a couple months, it makes me think how wonderful that would feel.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:51am

  339. 339: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    329: Darling Ella says:
    FW #324:

    “[b]I believe him taking Rori’s and making it his own[/b] might be a story being made up by your mind. Sorry if I sound blameful here””…Indeed I don’t like being told WHAT i might or may not make up in my mind…However, I don’t mind being asked…:)

    334: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @329: Darling Ella:
    FW #324:

    “I’ve notice sometimes in the forum that posters are stating that things are owned by Rori when they are not. I hope I am not saying this in a bad way because I don’t mean it in a bad way.”

    There are “misunderstandings” in what belongs to Rori and what does not. I could pretend Rori owns everything about dating and relationships but I don’t always.

    Hugs to all,

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:57am

  340. 340: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I guess forgot where I was…i most have been the snow… getting harder and dirtier every day but i still like it. No metaphors here BTW. I’m still soft and semi-clean. :D Or maybe it’s clean and semi-soft.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 10:59am

  341. 341: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    *i* most have been the snow…

    OMG, that’s what I wrote??? oops, must’ve been Freudian slip…

    I meant *it* must have been the snow …because I used B brackets instead of HTML, better stop all , y’all know how bad I am with typos…. don’t want to throw the forum into distress. I’ve been “good” lately…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:04am

  342. 342: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lisi — “Says he’s still all messed up about his divorce & gonna stop dating. But he’s put recent profiles on every dating site I know of, & they proudly display this guy’s been on in the paast 24 hrs.”

    His words might actually be completely consistent with his behavior. Sometimes men think I am lying to them the way you think this guy is — but it’s because they are assuming they know the meaning of my behavior — and they are interpreting it incorrectly — putting their own “stories” on what I’m doing and saying.

    For example, I have told men “I am taking a break from dating” — yet I have continued to browse the sites and read emails from men there, and sometimes even responded…. yet NOT DATED any of them bc I truly was taking a break from dating, just as I said.

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:05am

  343. 343: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 338 Lucy I am not sure I am the best to respond to your query but I have one that is perfect in every way. He calls when he says he will, he calls everyday just to touch base, he pays and refuses to take any money from me, he comes over to shovel snow even though I don’t ask (he literally just shows up), he opens doors, he listens to me vent and whine, he tries to make suggestions about the kids, he cherishes my feelings and my opinions. This is a two year relationship that I walked away from for 6 months last year. The one thing that triggers me about his communication is that he tends to be blameful. Eg. Once when he woke up for work late he said “you the reason I woke up late you should have called when you didn’t hear from me”. Just one example and I find this really triggers me. The other thing is he has an ex that has a son for him. Though I have heard from both of their mouths that they don’t want each other because they can’t get along which I have seen for myself, I can’t figure out how I would deal with her if I choose him. She seems to be determined to make him miserable for the rest of his life as if he owes her something. She has physically attacked him in public demanding he does something for their son. Sometimes she physically puts herself in between us if we are at a social event that she might be attending. Sometimes I see her standing off in the distance glaring at me. I really don’t feel like I want to be dealing with that in my future and I have told him bluntly. I have a problem being tactful, not my greatest skill. I guess we would have to consider moving, for peace sake, if I did settle with him. It is really a icky situation with her in there but I feel like he treats me like gold to the point that I wonder if something is wrong with him.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:08am

  344. 344: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    I suspect that you are looking for a more “balanced” kind of guy, not 100% masculine, not feminine either. Do you remember what Katarina was talking about few months ago?

    And , oh gee, the supposed numbers were 80% guys(of the sometimes masculine “jerky” variety) 10% feminine guys and what’s left femin/masc. 10% of guys. Lucy, I think those are for me. I think you too…

    That sure makes the number of guys smaller!!!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:08am

  345. 345: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “femin/masc. 10% of guys. Lucy, I think those are for me. I think you too…” (SLV)

    Thanks for reminding me of that, SLV. That may be the case. And I feel sad about it, bc maybe those 10% are all already taken. Or maybe there’s almost zero chance of us finding each other bc there are so few. :(

    Yes, I’m pretty sure you are right about me wanting fem/masc balance in a man. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced. And they are indeed rare. :(

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:17am

  346. 346: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW
    “…She seems to be determined to make him miserable for the rest of his life as if he owes her something…”

    My two cents only. This is a biggie!!! You would be included in the “making miserable for rest of life.” The behaviour you have described, I would call “outrageous.” Maybe the two of them will come to better terms because if they don’t, it might not be pretty if you marry. IMHO only. But moving far away could solve a lot of the problem!

    And again, IMHO, the guy does own ex-wife something, a partnership in rearing their child.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:19am

  347. 347: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 338 Lucy I should add that since Jan 1 2011 I walked away telling him to stop calling me because of something she did. He has not called but our kids are friends. And I am actually afraid that he will come back stronger as that is his pattern. Sweetie pie, calling me out of the blue singing songs with my name in it, telling me he likes me. I feel I have inadvertently really attracted him to the point of no return and I am trying to figure out the things I have done with him to use on another guy that I am attracted to but who has decided to put on a steel suit around his emotions because of how hurt he was by his former wife. I feel in my gut that he is very sensitive because what he has shared with me in the past when he was struggling through his first relationship. He can be very tender and very sensitive, but brutally honest, harshly critical and just plain old bad boy mean. I love him though because he has been an inspiration to me. As a matter of fact it was his constant criticism telling me that I am negative why I found Rori. I only accept what he offers when he comes forward and have refused to lean forward towards him. He always comes back because I have him hooked on Words of Affirmation which he told me he loves. He will always be my friend no matter what and I am comfortable blurting out stuff to him. He does it with me. I really love him I guess because he is not perfect and does try to hide that. I love him quirks and all and we are energetically matched physically. God I love that man but I am determined not to move towards him. He already knows I am looking for marriage and have told what I don’t want in a very harsh way and have walked away but he came back. He knows me and I know him.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:19am

  348. 348: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW

    Oh, FW I mean “owe” not “own” — I guess you know me and typos by now…? :oops:

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:20am

  349. 349: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 346 SLV agree to everything you say however they were never married but lived together and bought a house together. He walked away from the house claiming nothing. He does sacrifice a lot for the child. He actually told me that was the reason he is not married yet because the kid is his first priority. Trust me they are tight and he sacrifices a lot for him.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:22am

  350. 350: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thanks for sharing about your relationship.

    “Eg. Once when he woke up for work late he said “you the reason I woke up late you should have called when you didn’t hear from me”.”

    Wow! My ex-h used to say EXACTLY the same thing when he overslept!

    It was part of a larger pattern, I discovered, of not taking responsibility for his own behavior.

    Can you tell me about your guy’s hobbies and activities?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:24am

  351. 351: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    By the way SLV he seems to be very feminine energy where he is tender, sensitive and comes across as too nice. Yes that is another thing I don’t like about him he comes across as too nice and wanting to please too much. I tend to be attracted to really masculine men.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:26am

  352. 352: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy

    And Lucy, I want Black ones too!! And older ones…
    The number grows ever smaller and microscopic…

    I was actually pining over this yesterday. Pining over a non-existent person!!! I started reading a new book, sort of in honor of Black History Month and it is so wonderful I wanted to share with someone but there is no one that would “get it” the way I do, or even if not totally in thrall as I am, would even get I find it important to me.

    Well, I did mention it, all excited like, to girlfriend. She patiently listened for a few seconds until i detected her boredom and changed the subject. That caused me to feel worse. She only wants to ready about things that will make her more beautiful or how to increase her capital in stock market. I like those things too but I like lots of other stuff also…

    I think I am going to be lonely this month and I don’t usually think of myself this way because happy with lots of stuff going on… But…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:30am

  353. 353: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    He tends to be a home body but he loves playing dominoes and hanging by another friend who lives close by. They are very family oriented so for big holidays they tend to gather at each others homes and during summer times do barbecues or go to parks with family. He also likes things like bowling and paint ball. He is very close to his sisters and his mother so he spends a lot of time with them also.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:31am

  354. 354: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW
    “…and I am trying to figure out the things I have done with him to use on another guy that I am ..”

    Tell me more. Increasing attraction is good if it helps a bonding.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:33am

  355. 355: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    the guy I am really interested in -

    contacts daily. Calls if there’s time or texts or instant messages, depending on where he is or I am and what accommodates us best. Does what he says he will do when he says he will do it. Is chivalrous, attentive, caring, charming, playful, flirtatious, has a wonderful sense of humor, is caring, concerned for my feelings, health, wellbeing, pleasure…

    One of the few times I leaned forward was when a family member attempted suicide just before christmas and I needed a shoulder. I wanted someone outside my immediate circle who wouldn’t be as “pained” by the issue because they don’t know the family member. I texted that I was in need of hearing an upbeat voice that I’d just received some bad news. He called within 30 seconds and let me unload. I felt a little wobbly and vulnerable afterward and apologized for dumping on him. He told me not to worry, that he had big shoulders.

    I think he liked the opportunity to cheer me up, and on other occasions he’s told me that I should feel like I can talk to him about anything. I guess the best way to describe him is that when I am with him, I feel great. When I think about him, I feel great.

    I feel like I really matter to him. Hope this helps.

    summerbaby

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:33am

  356. 356: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 352 SLV how about sharing it with us? It sounds interesting.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:36am

  357. 357: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “And Lucy, I want Black ones too!! And older ones…
    The number grows ever smaller and microscopic…” (SLV)

    I’m curious — are you black? I’m caucasion and american indian, but am open to all races. However, I do have other qualifiers that lower the number — shared faith, for one.

    Sorry for your lonely feelings, SLV. :(

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:36am

  358. 358: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks summerbaby. This sounds wonderful: “I guess the best way to describe him is that when I am with him, I feel great. When I think about him, I feel great.”

    I rarely feel that way with/about men.

    Are you attracted to him physically? What are his interests/activities/passions?

    Thanks!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:42am

  359. 359: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW
    I’m looking for feminine in a masculine way, if that is meaningful. I’m not looking for hen-pecked or servile. I’m looking for man who steps up to please me and doesn’t have to be told what to do.

    And I do appreciate a man in the arts too, fine arts/literature. But business excites me as well, particularly entrepreneurial types and a little geeky. I want a Renaissance man!!

    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:43am

  360. 360: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV and Lucy… it’s time to shift your perception about the number of qualified available men!

    Not too long ago I felt the same way. Please forgive my bossy tone, it’s just that I so identify with how you feel because not long ago that was me.

    Now here is what I did and maybe it will help you as well (trying not to be so bossy!). I made a conscious effort to notice any quality I liked in EVERY man I saw. This was to shift my perception that good men do exist. The result of my little experiment was that from the moment I began, better quality guys started showing up for me. Whenever a dating bit flickered out of existance, I would remark how they are improving.

    This is what worked for me and brought me to my current Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold. He’s not gorgeous, but I’ve never been so much about looks. What he’s got going for him on the inside makes him intensely attractive to me.

    oops, running late for jobs #2 and #3… I’ll be back in about 8 hours or so.

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:44am

  361. 361: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Haha, SLV! Yes! We are on the same wavelength!

    “And I do appreciate a man in the arts too, fine arts/literature. But business excites me as well, particularly entrepreneurial types and a little geeky. I want a Renaissance man!!” (SLV)

    The first half of that — “in the arts” — describes WH. The second half — “entrepreneurial types and a little geeky” — describes TN man. (The only two men I have liked in the past five years of “looking”!)

    Two things those types have in common are intelligence and creativity.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:48am

  362. 362: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 355 This feels just like the guy I wrote about. I have even shared emotional things from my childhood that brought back memories for him that he shared. It was on the phone but I got a distinct feeling he was crying. He also shared how much he cried 1 year after his father died when he finally realized he had buried a stranger.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:48am

  363. 363: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, summerbaby. I feel bad saying this, bc I can sense your excitement in sharing what worked for you… but I have been making “a conscious effort to notice any quality I liked in EVERY man I saw” for a very long time. It’s very easy for me to see the good in people and to appreciate their positive qualities.

    I so much appreciate your insights though!

    <3
    Lucy

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:55am

  364. 364: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I do believe LOTS of good men exist. They’re just not the right guys for me — not a good match.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 11:57am

  365. 365: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Part of it too, I think, is that I really enjoy being alone. So a man truly does need to be the icing on the cake for me.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:00pm

  366. 366: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @FW
    @Lucy

    Thanks for your interest. This is a historical novel and the research bibliography knocked my socks off. There is a female protagonist and story starts when she was a free Muslim child daughter of midwife and kidnapped in Africa, circa 1745.

    The historical thread is “The Book of Negroes” also the title used in the original publication. This is a historical document and list of names of Black Loyalists (to English crown at the time of the Revolutionary War in the Americas) who migrated to Canada and other British colonies at the time. I know little of this historic episode and I’m eager to learn more.

    And the literature so far (I’m only on Book Two which is page 99 out of 486) is fabulous.

    “Someone Knows My Name” by Lawrence Hill
    http://www.lawrencehill.com/

    I can identify with the author. I thought I might run a CL ad to get a reading buddy date (would not have to remain a “buddy” LOL :lol:) but then I got glimpse of my little chub body in mirror and thought… later….

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:02pm

  367. 367: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @summerbaby

    “…I guess the best way to describe him is that when I am with him, I feel great. When I think about him, I feel great.
    I feel like I really matter to him…”

    This is exactly the qualification that Rori says to use…there is a post about it somewhere on the forum.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:08pm

  368. 368: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 366 SLV girl stop and reading buddy sounds fabulous that actually gave me ideas here. Your body is fine as it is.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:09pm

  369. 369: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    This has nothing to do with this post, but I need advice. The reason I haven’t really been on here is work has been super busy, and I have been seeing Mr. 40-year old for a bit now and he keeps me busy taking me out and calling and texting! YEA! He is already talking about our future together and how it would be to be married and he wants to be a dad to my daughter and whatnot.

    We get along very well. He is very thoughtful and romantic and whatnot. He isn’t a super ultra masculine man – but he takes the lead when he needs to and I feel GREAT when I am with him.

    Here is the issue –

    We have gotten some terrible winter weather to the point that my daughter and I have been staying with my parent’s since it is super close to my job. The roads are terrible because there is 4″ of ice on them and where we live doesn’t plow the snow, salt, etc. So you really can’t get anywhere.

    He lives 15 minutes away, and because of the weather we haven’t seen each other since Sunday.

    He keeps texting me all these, “I miss you, this makes me realize how much I need you in my life, this makes me see how much I care for you” etc. messages pretty regularly all week.

    And the thing is, I am not all that torn up that we haven’t seen each other. As in, I am not thinking about how he isn’t around. I have been busy playing with my daughter and making dinner with my family and focusing on what’s in front of me. He seems like he is sitting at home moping around because we haven’t seen each other, and I feel bad for him and about it because, frankly, I am pretty indifferent towards it.

    I can’t change the weather or the road conditions, so I don’t see the point in getting all upset about it. I really feel as though I have mastered the not thinking about a man until he is in front of me. Have I mastered it to well? Do I not like him as much as I thought I did because I am not all bent out of shape over not seeing him for nearly a week? The way I am responding to it makes me feel insecure. I feel like I am really into him and that I am SO excited about the potential of this relationship, but then if that is how I really feel about it shouldn’t I be upset about not seeing him or being with him for this amount of time?

    Then I feel angry when I question myself. What a mess!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:17pm

  370. 370: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah looks to me like you are doing fine in building the attraction and keeping him focussed on you. If you are in his face all the time he won’t have any reason to miss you and might end up taking you for granted. This sounds like a success story to me.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:21pm

  371. 371: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Another article:-
    Featured Topic: Why Men Lose Interest In Their Wife

    We mentioned that a man can lose interest in the woman he loves, even his wife. I’ve had so many wives tell me just such a thing. They are tearful as they recount the last few months (or years) of their marriage that seemed so wonderful in the beginning. Slowly, they notice that he has stopped touching them as often and seems
    uninterested in staying married. They pass each other in the kitchen, and he avoids eye contact and simply continues walking…just like she doesn’t even exist. It doesn’t have to end that way.

    Here’s what a husband needs:
    In a marriage, there is a level of vulnerability that a man has with his wife that he doesn’t experience
    with anyone else. She will be the focus of his attention and the primary source of his self-esteem. There are two things that always arouse his desire for her.

    1) His desire is aroused when his wife does things that make her happy. There is only one goal for a husband in a marriage- to make his wife happy. If he feels that he can make her happy, then he feels strong and powerful. The secret is that he wants her to do things for herself that make her happy and not simply rely on him to fill that role. A wife who puts too much pressure on her husband to make her happy will slowly strangle the romantic feelings that he has for her.

    2) Men need women to remember to flirt. It’s easy to get comfortable in a marriage. Don’t get too
    comfortable. Every woman knows in the early stages of dating to flirt with a man. Smiling at him, paying
    attention to his stories and batting your eyelids all may seem silly….but they work. After all, if this
    behavior were so silly, would you want his secretary doing those things to him?

    Whether it seems fair or not, women are the ones who initiate a relationship through their flirting. Men may approach a woman, but it is usually after he feels he has received some signal (invitation) from her. Wives who wait for their husband to be romantic don’t understand that men respond to a woman’s cues. If you stop flirting, for a long enough period of time, it’s likely that he’ll notice some other woman who is willing to fill that void. It doesn’t mean that it’s right, but he needs your admiration more than you realize.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:25pm

  372. 372: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @368: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 366 SLV girl stop and reading buddy sounds fabulous that actually gave me ideas here. Your body is fine as it is….”

    I think “girl stop” is a book club? I’ll check it out today. When you wrote “that actually gave me ideas here” what do you mean? I think I missed the flow.

    My little body was a little chub but I’ve had less exercise than normal due to medical problem last year and I think I’ve gained a few. I already wanted to lose 35-40 pounds, gee it might be more now. :cry:

    Not to worry, “my little boy” part of me is going to “handle it!” even if I don’t get a reading buddy this week, there is plenty of material I’ll be sorting through for rest of year so I will be including that in some of my ads.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Hey, read the book, you don’t have to be Black; I think it would appeal to you.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:28pm

  373. 373: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Femininewoman! And I like that article, too!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:34pm

  374. 374: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @369: Hadassah says:
    “…but then if that is how I really feel about it shouldn’t I be upset about not seeing him or being with him for this amount of time?
    Then I feel angry when I question myself. What a mess!..”

    Do you feel real good and comfortable about *yourself* when you think about him? Do you enjoy being *with* him?

    I suspect you feel OK, happy doing your thing and you are *secure* in his feelings for you and you know that he wants to be with YOU!!

    Gee, if he were ignoring you… maybe treating you not so good when he *was* around…hahaha, you’d be obsessed… Am I right?? :lol:

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:38pm

  375. 375: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I meant looking for a reading buddy as a date. I have not hung out at the library in a while I am thinking it might be a great place to meet someone with compatible interests. What do you think?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:39pm

  376. 376: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @375: Femininewoman says:
    “..I meant looking for a reading buddy as a date…”

    I got this book at library but I buy books also. I’ve had few, but more interesting conversations, in book stores, no dates though. I’m in library often. I think I’ll go look at meet up dot com site and see what book and/reading clubs are in place.

    Going there now… oops :oops: … or not. I have to watch DVD right now so I can get it back to the … library as couldn’t renew and fine is growing… :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:46pm

  377. 377: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for sharing about what you’re reading, SLV. I like your CL book buddy idea — and, really, do book buddies care if you’re chub? :)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:50pm

  378. 378: HadassahNo Gravatar says:

    @374 SLV – SOOOOO……. funny you point that out. My mom was like, “um do you remember how obsessed you were with (Mr. Perfect on paper treated me like crap)? Don’t you think that is because you were insecure about the whole thing? I think it isn’t because you don’t like Mr. 40 Year Old, but because you know where you stand and are secure about yourself and your feelings about this one.”

    My mom. She might know best. I never listen to her though. :)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 12:53pm

  379. 379: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been meaning to ask this question here… It came up in a discussion with my daughter –

    If women are supposed to use their feminine energy in relationships and their masculine energy in work, etc., and men are supposed to use their masculine energy in relationships (AND work) — then, where do men get to use their feminine energy?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:02pm

  380. 380: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    377: Lucy says:
    “… do book buddies care if you’re chub? ..”

    Hmmm, maybe not… but I do. I’m going to work on it; it’s in “the letter” for 2011. I’ll be reading a lot this year; this is going to be a good thing all around. I might also run a “platonic” ad, a girl reading buddy is cool also.

    LOL Laughing a bit because Brenda had experience where CL posters seem not to know (or accept) ad was for platonic meeting. I’ve seen that too. Oh, well… it’s a strange ole world out there.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:05pm

  381. 381: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    379: Lucy says
    “… where do men get to use their feminine energy?..”

    Short answer…with me…when it’s their turn. LOL :D

    Or like the guy, a military man, a marine! who was taking his daughter to dance class, braiding her hair and putting it up into a ballerina bun. My kind of guy…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:09pm

  382. 382: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 379 There is a guy, an Indian right here on my job who spent a lot of time with his mom when he was growing up. I see him flip back and forth with both a lot. We currently have a Director who is very masculine and the Indian is very happy and obviously using feminine energy with him. Onlookers can see it in his body language, the look on his face, the lean back when necessary. He also says he knows he has feminine characters that he is comfortable with. The thing is he obviously loves himself and is totally comfortable with himself so it doesn’t matter to him what role is required, he flexibly fills whatever is necessary.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:30pm

  383. 383: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    trigger…my pilot used to braid my hair…oh boy…tears

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:35pm

  384. 384: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy #34
    I disabled my Okcupid too…couldn’t handle delete after I answered 100s of questions..lol

    I clicked the same reason you did as well as the “to many contacts from people I’m not interested in”… I swear some of these guys would write pages long emails (for first time notes) w/everything they did that day and what they ate. They were all WAY older than I am. I felt bad not responding in depth but I wan not interested and didn’t have time to just write…

    We’ll see about my cowboy dating site… it has 40 some days on it but my plan is not to renew it..

    PG

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:35pm

  385. 385: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    all i can do is feel it and move on

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:36pm

  386. 386: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    It really is pointless to wonder what he really felt about me or what happened…he is not here now and choses not to be. And in that context he no longer matters.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:42pm

  387. 387: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    oh goodness, I have missed so much! well hi sirens. maybe i’ll come back later, have a good day!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:43pm

  388. 388: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Andi :( Sorry you are feeling bad. Hugs. <3

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:45pm

  389. 389: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    High five, PG. :)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:52pm

  390. 390: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Lucy… :)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:53pm

  391. 391: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Dorothea!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 1:54pm

  392. 392: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    I’m stressed about everything. I’m going to be 55 and I feel like I don’t know diddly squat about dating and social interaction with men.

    It’s like I know the bigger picture in my head. It’s the carrying out part that scares me. It seems like I’m frozen because I don’t want to make a mistake.

    Is there just one technique I can work on to build confidence? It’s like I’m trying too hard to remember ALL the techniques. Why am I giving myself such a hard time about all of this!?

    I feel like I don’t want to be this powerless woman I used to be. I don’t want to try too hard, anymore. It seems like the pendulum has gone too far the other way. I feel unbalanced. I feel insecure. I feel like giving up and going it alone.

    I had accepted being alone for the rest of my life. Then I met ‘W’. He and I are alike in SO many ways. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.

    We both have strong personalities. One difference is that I’m on ‘slow burn’ with my temper and sometimes he isn’t.

    I’m trying like hell to step out of my comfort zone. Change can be scary.

    This is all so different for me. By letting go, I feel more vulnerable.

    I’d appreciate any comments, suggestions, etc… I feel a little lost right now and could use some ‘sisterly’ advice and comfort.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~Violet~

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 2:44pm

  393. 393: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Dear, that is so funny
    The men are giving the same advices to men.

    *****Your internal is screwed up bro, because deep down you
    STILL love her, you still want her, and as long as
    there’s that small glimmer of hope for you to get her,
    you’ll still hang on to that hope.

    The best way to enter into such a situation is for
    you to not make a big deal out of it and be totally
    DETACHED from the outcome; whatever it is, good or bad.

    You said you’re cool with the current situation, but
    the reality is, you’re NOT.

    If you fail, deep inside, you’ve genuinely got to be
    TOTALLY COOL with it, and move on to other girls.

    The sad thing is that it’s a cycle, because if you are
    NOT cool with it, then you won’t be able to move on
    properly, and you don’t get the other girls, and then
    you go back to thinking about the first girl, and that
    makes you needy, which makes you not able to get her or
    other girls.****

    And they even refer to the “imaginary relationship” the girl is in with her so called boy friend. It so fits with the girl friend trap Rori speaks about lol
    They agree with us here, that no matter how bad the boy friend treats a woman, if she thinks that time will transform him into a good husband lol, she will NEVER see love when it is offered to her by another man. She is emotionally unavailable.
    Advices work only if applied on emotionally available persons.
    Rings any bells, ladies? loooool
    Seems like the girl was unconsciously Cdating Nizar. Yet it did not free her from her obsession. As soon as the vanisher reappeared, she ran to him and dropped good old Nizar.
    And the advices to get a girl from friend to lover fits with Rori’s advices when she explains how to avoid the friend’s trap also.
    The man is the pursuer, Nizar got to find what she wants and meet her needs. Not the way around. Said by a man to men :)
    They also ask the man to be authentic.
    I’ll paste the eletter in the following post.

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 2:51pm

  394. 394: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Question From Nizar

    Two years back, I really liked this one girl, I would always
    tease her and make fun of her and we’d get along. Things were
    going perfectly.

    But then I found out she had a bf (it was only a 6 month old
    relationship). It kinda bothered me but on paper I was never
    more than a friend, so I had no reason to feel down.

    Summer 2006, her bf was away from the summer. I was a superstar
    (lots of friends, lots of confidence, etc). One day, she
    randomely calls me to get some info and we ended up talking
    for 30 minutes.

    We then talked on the phone 4-5 times a day for hours, almost
    everyday, went to movies, dinners, fireworks, etc. First in
    groups, then alone.

    The kino was good too; one day we just randomely started
    walking hand in hand, she would occasionally rest her head
    on my shoulders and I would occasionally either give her my
    jacket or put my arm around her whenever she was cold.

    I fell in love with her, HARD. But I never showed any emotions
    or neediness, at all. Probably because of low expectations.

    The day her bf came back to town, she forgot all about me,
    like I did not exist. I became a mess. Couldn’t figure out where
    I went wrong. Turns out she was OBSESSED over him.

    Also turns out my f^ck up was the failure to kiss her. She was
    only 6 months into her relationship. For the next few months,
    every other night I would go to bed feeling avoid (her voice),
    sometimes crying, then dream about her, then wake up
    with yet another void (her call!).

    That’s how sudden we lost touch.

    Summer 2007: By then I had almost moved on. I ran into her
    again at a presentation and she was talking to me more and
    more, basically she came crawling back, expecting me to have
    crashed, wondering how I was such a cool guy.

    She asked me about the previous summer and if I did all those
    things with all my girl friends. She wanted me to tell her I
    liked her. I didn’t give in. I knew by then that actions speak
    more and that I can’t expect much because she still had a bf.

    She asked me to hang out the first few interactions and I
    escalated this time. Her bf was also away that summer. It went
    rather fast. I kissed her, she analysed how it was “wrong”, I
    handled it well, agreeing with her and removing her of the
    guilt and we would kiss almost every interaction.

    She would always ask me how I feel/if I liked her and I would
    always tease her with something like “what kind of a question
    is that?” and then hold her tight in my arms.

    I even had sex with her a couple of times, including an
    all-nighter in every posible positions! That’s also what hurts,
    the thought of her doing all that with her bf. I mean for him,
    she usually makes herself 10 times prettier (as tho if she is
    not PERFECT already without make up).

    Anyways, one day I asked her to be my gf, she wasn’t profound
    of the idea. I mean she would always tell me how her bf
    ignores her existance and is never there for her and me, I
    would defend him and shrug it off. I was approching the
    friends-zone so that’s why I kissed her.

    This time, when her bf returned to town, she did not forget
    about me. She worked to keep in touch with me, didn’t show
    as much obsession with her bf, but her relationship was
    already at almost 2 years. She still loves him. She has put a
    lot of effort into it.

    Now, I came up with a spontaneous idea of Hawaii (because we
    talked about it last year), and she was really excited.
    Flights booked and everything. But then, about a few hours
    after we were both so looking forward to it, she changed
    her mind!

    She tells me it’s a place where people go to honeymoon
    with their special someone.

    And that it’s not right that she’d go with a guy while
    she is with [him]. So I dunno why she has to bring up her
    bf and change her mind like that.

    So that’s my story.

    I asked advice to many people that are out of our friends
    circle. Most of them said to move on. Well I already did
    that once and I got even more success.

    But now she will probably not want to be alone with me
    because she sees what we did last summer as a “mistake”.

    What should I do??
    *********************************************************
     >>> Simon Says:

    Dude, if I were to sum up your problems, I would have to
    say you’re targetting the WRONG girl from the word go.

    I have SPECIFICIALLY mentioned that the ONLY POSSIBLE
    CHANCE you can ever steal another person’s gf is when
    the relationship has CRACKS.

    You can be the COOLEST, RICHEST GUY ON EARTH to her
    but trust me, when a girl is currently in a stable
    relationship with a guy, it’s virtually IMPOSSIBLE for
    you to steal her over.

    Bear in mind that “stable relationship” has nothing to
    do whether it’s real or not. As long as in HER mind,
    she stills looks up to her bf as THE ONE, you can tease
    her, play with her, be cocky and funny with her or use
    whatever latest technique or tricks you can learn from
    here and there, it WON’T work.

    That’s why she told you what you told me:

    “I mean she would always tell me how her bf ignores
    her existance and is never there for her and me, I
    would defend him and shrug it off.”

    Wake up and smell the roses dude, whatever kino, or
    sex or whatever ‘stuff’ you may have done with her, it
    doesn’t really matter because it’s so OBVIOUS that she
    STILL loves her bf. Even if he treats her like crap.

    You’ll always be her ‘backup’.

    Hard to swallow, I know, but I want you to HONEST with
    yourself.

    Understand that yes, you may have gotten to sleep with
    her, but ask yourself, is that what you REALLY want?

    You want her to be YOUR girl, not just have one night
    swings.

    That’s not what this is all about. You LOVE her, and
    want to be with her, it’s not about ‘oh but i got to do
    this with her, I got to do that with her’, that’s far
    too naive to look at the entire friend to gf dynamic.

    The friend to girlfriend prog was created unlike any
    of our previous materials, I’ve said it several times
    throughout, turning a friend over is NOT about
    techniques, it’s now more about understanding what SHE
    wants, SHE needs and giving ‘it’ to her.

    It’s all about HER, no more YOU.

    I’ve seen it happen with many of my clients in their own
    unique ‘friend to girlfriend’ situations, it’s a really
    tricky situation to be in because what’s going on here
    goes WAY DEEPER than any “do this to her ” or
    do that to her” answer and that’s why it’s so crucial
    to have strong inner game, to clear things up INTERNALLY
    first, if not all will go awry.

    Your internal is screwed up bro, because deep down you
    STILL love her, you still want her, and as long as
    there’s that small glimmer of hope for you to get her,
    you’ll still hang on to that hope.

    The best way to enter into such a situation is for
    you to not make a big deal out of it and be totally
    DETACHED from the outcome; whatever it is, good or bad.

    You said you’re cool with the current situation, but
    the reality is, you’re NOT.

    If you fail, deep inside, you’ve genuinely got to be
    TOTALLY COOL with it, and move on to other girls.

    The sad thing is that it’s a cycle, because if you are
    NOT cool with it, then you won’t be able to move on
    properly, and you don’t get the other girls, and then
    you go back to thinking about the first girl, and that
    makes you needy, which makes you not able to get her or
    other girls.

    This is EXACTLY what’s happening to you right now,
    agree?

    The bottom line’s this: until the day her relationship
    CRACKS, you’ll NEVER BE ABLE TO BREACH IN. I’m pretty
    sure of that.

    You might get lucky, I don’t know, I’m not God, but
    chances are she won’t jump ship yet.

    So whatever tricks you might be doing right now will not
    work (in the long term), DEAL with that fact.

    The problem is not with you, it’s with HER.

    HER, dude.

    Again, if you still want this girl, the best way to do
    it is to wait til something is ‘wrong’ with her current
    relationship, that’s when you enter and FOLLOW the steps
    in the girlfriend stealer book which is a FREE
    complementary bonus that comes with this program.

           Now, if you’re feeling down and all alone, here’s
    a special page that will show you some quick and easy
    tactics you can try out to meet a girl and ditch
    that “lonely” feeling…

           In it, you’ll get the entire picture on
    how everything GELS together; how to approach, meet, date
    women, techniques on getting her number, making her
    comfortable with you, how to get the date, kissing, getting
    physical, transitioning to making out without rejection,
    etc, then I’d recommend you download this and go through
    all the materials SEVERAL TIMES:

           When you UNDERSTAND what is happening, how and
    why women act the way they do, and how to make
    women feel ATTRACTION, success with them will eventually
    come because your behaviors are REAL, they come across
    as natural, real and as AUTHENTIC as it can EVER be to
    women…

    Talk to you soon.

    Your Friend,

    Simon H

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 2:54pm

  395. 395: archerieNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella @304

    TOTALLY agree..Christian Carter never seems to get to the point. I bought some of his products years ago and was very disappointed. I still read the ebook from time to time in the light of what i have learned here and other places and i STILL cant actually get his points.

    I think its the writing that is unclear. I wonder if he thinks he is writing how women think?
    Not enough clarity of topics,brief points, take away summary and action tools.

    I also feel frustrated and offended and even slighted as a woman when I read some of his , “Now hit yourself over the head ” comments “until you get it!”
    He seems to delight in making US wrong!!!!!!!

    I cancelled his eletters for this reason. I did not sign up to be made more “wrong” than i knew already that i had been. I read one recently and it seemd a little more toned down. Maybe someone told him :)

    Anyway , th epoint is, Rori’s stuff is much easier to understand, more rational , clear and gives us what we want. A template to hold against our relationships to see HOW to get to what we want .

    MOST IMPORTANTLY she teaches us how to recover and build our self esteem , she does not beat us over the head for our faults!!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 2:58pm

  396. 396: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like a rockstar today. Completely different than I felt yesterday. I went to a concert last night with THE EX. He’s the reason I came on this site in the first place 2 years ago. He and I had what I thought was the perect relationship, so when it ended I was blindsided. I was completely depressed and my self confidence and esteem plummeted after out breakup. It took me until recently to get over him, and I continued to compare every man I met to him.

    Anyway, I haven’t seen him in over a year and a half, even though we’ve kept in casual contact-email, texts etc. He had asked to see me in that time, but he was dating another woman and I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him if he was dating other women. He’s single again, and our favorite band was playing last night, so he asked me if I wanted to go together. I agreed. I didn’t feel either nervous or excited. (except to see the concert) I had prepared myself for each of 3 possible outcomes:

    1) I’d see him and we’d realize we still have feelings for each other and start dating again.

    2) I’d see him and feel nothing and know then that I was completely over him and be ready to move on to a new, healthy relationship. or

    3) I’d see him, realize I wasn’t over him but he didn’t want me and I’d ruin all of the work I’ve done here for the past 2 years and have to start healing all over again.

    What I wasn’t prepared for was a 4th possibility, which is what actually played out. When I got there, he hugged me and brought me a gift, and it felt as if it had only been a few days or weeks since we’d seen each other, not almost 2 years. It felt instantly natural and comfortable. I got really fixed up for the concert, and I could see his approval and appreciation. We went to the concert, which was probably 90% men, and I turned heads everywhere we walked. I could tell he was proud to be with me, and I felt confident and absorbed all of the positive energy from all of the looks and smiles I got from so many men. I practiced leaning back all night, and realized how much I had overfunctioned when we had been together. I feel like he wasn’t sure how to deal with the new me, and he leaned back at first too. But I kept resisting the urge to lean forward and just kept leaning back, being open and present and really listening to him, nodding my head and paying attention to how I felt and what he was saying. He began leaning forward and seemed to really want to show me a good time. The concert was fabulous, we laughed, danced, talked and had a really fantastic time. He took my hand when we walked or put his hand on the small of my back, opened doors for me etc etc.

    We got back to the hotel and talked until pretty late. We had a couple of drinks, but not enough to cloud our judgment. After a few hours, he told me I was beautiful and kissed me. It felt familiar and natural and amazing. We made out for about and hour and then I did something I never expected-I broke my no sex boundary and we had really amazing sex.

    This morning we got up and went to breakfast and then he hugged me and told me how great it was to see me and that he’d had a great time. I told him it felt great to see him too, and thanked him for the gift and for the great evening. Then we each got in our cars and drove back to our towns. (the concert was about halfway between our towns)

    Here is what is amazing: I didn’t feel invested in the outcome! I didn’t wonder what he was thinking! I didn’t wonder if he’d call the next day, or when I’d see him again! I didn’t feel guilty about breaking my no sex boundary! I DID feel beautiful, sexy, diva-ish, rockstar-ish. I DID completely stop obsessing about if Mr.IntenseChemistryGuy is a player, and thought if he calls me when he gets back it will feel great to see him. And if THE EX calls and wants to see me again, it will feel great to see him again too, but if either one doesn’t call, it won’t make me feel bad about myself. It DID make me realize that although THE EX has ALOT of the qualities I want in a man, he doesn’t have ALL of the qualities like I thought he did. And it DID make me realize that I can lean back and enjoy myself and have a fantastic evening without needing to know what happens next! What a feeling of empowerment!

    And I started realizing that I haven’t only had bad guys, players and losers in my life, I’ve had some great guys who had alot of good qualities, just not all of the ones I was looking for.

    Yes, I’ve had guys like CancerGuy who told me he had 6 months to live and shaved his head and eyebrows to try to get me to spend time with him when he was actually getting married in 6 months. But I’ve also had guys treat me well, I just was focusing on the bad experiences and the fact that I haven’t met the “guy for me” yet.

    I feel blessed and grateful that there is no shortage of men to give me attention when I need it. I feel grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet and spend time with some good men. I feel grateful that guys like THE EX and 7foottall guy helped set the standard and raise the bar for what I want in a man and how I want to be treated. I even feel grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from the bad guys.

    Maybe I’m on a high right now from good food, wine, music and sex and I’ll be my paranoid, obsessive self again tomorrow. Who knows. But I feel like a rockstar today…. : )

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:10pm

  397. 397: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.videojug.com/interview/going-on-a-date-with-a-guy-2

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:24pm

  398. 398: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori! Yay for you! Celebrating you new perspective with you.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:24pm

  399. 399: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala,

    Thanks! I feel like a weight of negativity has been lifted off of my shoulders!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:28pm

  400. 400: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah Lori! :)

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:32pm

  401. 401: ButteryNo Gravatar says:

    I’ll pipe in to agree with the Christian Carter criticisms….I listened to one of his programs and felt annoyed because he just seemed to be talking in circles and never got to the point; I really didn’t learn much from it.

    Rori’s programs are light years better than his stuff. Love you Rori!!!

    And all of you sirens rock!! I am learning so much from reading this blog and all of your comments.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:37pm

  402. 402: ButteryNo Gravatar says:

    Wooohooo Lori!!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:37pm

  403. 403: amyNo Gravatar says:

    congratulations Lori! That is amazing and feels so good to read

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:48pm

  404. 404: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @342 Lucy –

    Of course, you’re right. My ego simply CANNOT FATHOM that he wouldn’t be interested.

    I’ve decided he could tell I was relationship material, and, realizing that, had a HOLY CRAP! reaction — realizing he’s not ready for such a thing yet.

    Best he not get into it with someone as vast and experienced as me, cuz I’d have him eating outta my hand in no time, now wouldn’t I????

    Oooh la la!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:51pm

  405. 405: amyNo Gravatar says:

    after weeks of one of my cds leaning forward hthis week it feels like he is in major lean back mode. He is still telling me what he has been doing this wk (without me asking) and he told me (again without me asking) what he is doing for the super bowl. When I told him those plans sounded fun and have a great time he said_ “oh I dobt know I still am not decided.” I said well whatever you decide have fun! =) last week he was all about us hangingout, this week he is aloof about plans. What should I do? Lean back more.. More cding? What should I do? Help pls =)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 3:56pm

  406. 406: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Amy,

    keep leaning back, live in the moment and let go of the outcome. And keep CDing other guys. I personally would recommend making your own Superbowl plans since he hasn’t asked you to do anything with him. Then if he does ask last minute, you already have other plans and he’ll know to give you more notice when he wants to spend time with you….

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:02pm

  407. 407: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Hadassah 369

    I don’t know.
    But it feels good to read the man is still around and just about to propose to you.
    I hope you’ll find your answer :)

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:05pm

  408. 408: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @338 Lucy –

    I think I’ve opened my mind a lot this past year. I used to think I’d never find a guy I liked in this conservative, one-horse town. Then I met a Zen Buddhist, and had a relationship, and that opened my eyes.

    After that, I met my ex, there was instant chemistry. I was literally crazy about him from the get-go. Probably toxic? Lol. He’s not educated — I thought that was a top priority for me. Fell in love with him anyway. He has a sparkling personality, works out 2 hrs a day, and was SOOOO supportive of me on my path. He was always positive about getting me out to exercise and to eat right — never a negative word from that man. He’d call or text at 4:30 am every Tues/Thurs to get me up for my exercise class. He LOVED to be there for me in that way.

    His relationship with my daughter was fantastic — they loved each other from minute one. He’s probably about 50% of my list — and I realized — the list might be a little more negotiable than I thought.

    I am generally not highly attracted to black men, but I am attracted to B1, who I am currently dating. He’s an artist, and a musician. He’s a serious dad to his 4 year old daughter.

    But we have a major conflict in core values — partly spiritual, and partly cultural. I don’t want to raise my daughter with him.

    I see him as someone I enjoy, but not long-term guy.

    Everyone’s a package, and I’m just opening my mind, dating “imperfect” men, and trusting the process.

    Hope this helps.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:09pm

  409. 409: amyNo Gravatar says:

    @406 how do you let go of the outcome? That is probably the hardest thing for me to do. Oh and I made friends with my girls for the suer bowl so we are all set with that hehe =)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:25pm

  410. 410: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    @244 Buttery –

    There’s a couple of things that weed does for you.

    1. It lowers your filters and your inhibitions.

    2. It makes you more psychic. This is going to depend on your innate level, but I’m pretty strongly intuitive without it — with it, I can tell you all kindsa things that are going on inside of you.

    3. It increases sex drive and physical sensation.

    I find that I can “connect into” my partner while high in a way that I can’t when I’m not. I feel him emotionally, spiritually, physically — it’s a much stronger union than sex by itself.

    I haven’t ever studied Tantric Sex, but I imagine this heightened awareness is part of it.

    I was so blocked up that I couldn’t have sex at all. It was not until I started smoking pot and having high sex that I was able to begin having sex at all. This was when I was nearly 30.

    Then I got pregnant with my daughter, and spent another 7 years celibate and raising her. I’m making up for it now!

    I don’t currently have a partner who’s comfortable with the weed/sex combo. In that case, I just don’t push it.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:26pm

  411. 411: LenaNo Gravatar says:

    Hallo, girls!

    Advice needed. My guy wants to be friends and still talk, but I still have feelings for him and hopeful. How to be in such situation and is there a way things can turn around?

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:33pm

  412. 412: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Lisi. That sounds like how I used to date in college. Reading what you wrote, I realized that if I didn’t have kids, or if they were completely out of the nest, I would probably date a lot more not-the-one guys just for fun and companionship.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:33pm

  413. 413: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    260 Andi

    Ugh, isolation is the worst part of this failed LDR for me as well. So many of my friends have moved on over the last 18m.

    Trying to reconnect is taking time and then they want to know why. I don’t want to have to explain. Still too painful.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:34pm

  414. 414: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    SLV- “I’m not looking for hen-pecked or servile. I’m looking for man who steps up to please me and doesn’t have to be told what to do.

    And I do appreciate a man in the arts too, fine arts/literature…a little geeky. I want a Renaissance man!!”

    This is K.

    And I want to include Lucy in this as well. A masculine energy man still has a feminine side, can love the arts and be sweet and cuddly. He has the primary qualities of masculine energy, yet can be an in my opinion needs to be deeply in touch with his feminine.

    So in answer to you question, SLV has it right, he does indeed use his feminine energy with you but being sensitive to his environment, to you, by being kind, considerate, and compassionate, especially with you, by being able to cry with you, and more.

    Helpful?

    xxoo

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:43pm

  415. 415: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Amy,

    I don’t know how to explain it, you just have to change your mindset. If a CD guy calls you, you have to realize at that moment he is just calling you. Maybe to set up a date, maybe not. Maybe because he’s thinking about you and misses you, maybe because he’s bored, lonely or horny. Forget all of the why and expectation of him setting up a date and just enjoy talking to him in the moment. Concentrate on how his voice sounds, how you feel, what he’s saying. Don’t think beyond that to “when is he going to ask me out?” etc. Just be in the moment and don’t expect or even think about an outcome. It takes practice for sure, but it’s liberating and empowering not to mention tells you things about the guy you may not be paying attention to if you’re concentrating on the outcome.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:46pm

  416. 416: amyNo Gravatar says:

    lori you did an excellent job explaining it…this helped so much. Thank you! =)

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:49pm

  417. 417: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Lori!

    You ROCK!

    That sounds fantabulous.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 4:59pm

  418. 418: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Would someone please provide feedback on my post? It is number#392.

    I feel so discouraged right now. I would appreciate receiving one suggestion that has provided positive results.

    Any support is very much welcome. I feel like we are all ‘in this together’. Some have more experience than others and could provide insight.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

    ~ Violet ~

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:02pm

  419. 419: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    383 Andi *hugs* So sorry

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:03pm

  420. 420: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #396
    Lori – Tonight you’re my hero!!!
    Yay you!!! :-))

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:07pm

  421. 421: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    Lori 396

    Sounds like such an awesome night all around.

    But “Yes, I’ve had guys like CancerGuy who told me he had 6 months to live and shaved his head and eyebrows to try to get me to spend time with him when he was actually getting married in 6 months”

    I’m stunned, I’ve lived such a sheltered life.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:15pm

  422. 422: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    ¡Aïe mamita linda!
    ¡Cómo extraño aquel tiempo!
    http://www.youtube.com/user/tasb1998#p/u/4/2cehkSxOLNA

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:29pm

  423. 423: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #261
    SLV – Thank you! It was quite an accomplishment considering that I studied through the break up with C and I was heartbroken… It’s amazing to see you’ve done well when in your head you were sure to have failed!!! :-)

    #257
    FW – I hope I don’t come as a disappointment to you but I ended up not talking to C today… Thing is, he was in a hurry, we were on the cell phone and I was in a Starbucks, I was still very hyped from the exams and my only feelings were of happiness and achievement so the only thing I said to him was that I felt ecstatic about some great news and would have told him everything on the w/e when I’ll see him. I was rather chirpy but today I wasn’t faking it, I felt like he really didn’t matter!!!! For the 1st time I kept the convo to 3 minutes and then I said I had to go, and I wasn’t playing a game… I was out celebrating and felt like he was taking up my celebration time with his complaining about work… hahaha… how weird is that when you really get into the frame of mind of not being hung up on the outcome they feel it!!! he wanted to keep me talking but I said goodbye…
    Meanwhile though I did my homework and came up with a draft for what I want to tell him, after all I want an answer about this ex he has apparently been contacting (provided he has and she isn’t trying to pull one on me – also, you’ll be happy to know that I have blocked her email address so I won’t be having any more conversations with her at all!)
    So here are my attempts at a talk trough FMs… Please dissect it as you like because I still have no idea of what I’m doing…
    “I feel very excited about sharing this success with you (my exam results) I have worked very hard to get there… Also, the thought of you being proud of me feels very nice.
    …space to let him say whatever he thinks…
    There is also something else I wanted to talk to you about but I feel a bit scared about mentioning it.
    I have been contacted by your ex in Germany and she told me she received a message from you asking to meet her when you next fly there… I feel hurt by this…
    What do you think?
    When we last talked I told you that I would have not kept anything from you anymore so I feel this is the right thing with you as I don’t feel comfortable in pretending that she never wrote and I feel that I owe you trust and that’s my choice.
    What do you think?”
    And then I guess I’ll just go with the flow and see what he tells me…
    I feel so drained by this situation, I just want a peaceful relationship where I don’t have to worry constantly about my man wondering around…
    Maybe I should just tell him to go his way… hm…

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:29pm

  424. 424: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Violet ~ re #392

    I so feel your pain. Only I don’t know if I’m “qualified” to give you any advice. And I really don’t know if this is going to help you or not, but for what it’s worth, what you wrote helped *me* a lot, just reading it. Because you described exactly how I’m feeling today! Except for one thing, which is that I’m 30, and you’re probably sitting there, thinking, “Girl, you got your whole life ahead of you!” But I’ve also got what feels like a lifetime behind me, too, and a lot of mistakes and stumbles and missed opportunities. And a lot of feeling and being a “powerless” woman. A “powerless” person, actually, and I’m just starting to see it in a lot of ways. I guess just like you are.

    Which I guess just means that this is an opportunity for us to find the power that we already have! That is what I think this stuff is about, anyway, and I feel like I am challenged by doing this all the time.

    I suppose probably the best thing I can say about what you are going through is that the only reason you are feeling this way is because you can see it clearly now, whereas before, you couldn’t. So that’s progress! At least that’s how I’m choosing to see it for myself. And I think it doesn’t matter where you are in your life. Once you can see it, then you can change it, by taking lots of little “baby steps” – which is a lot less scary than trying to take it on all at once. But believe me, I have that problem, too, and I am hard on myself as well, and I know it doesn’t work to say, “stop doing that,” so I won’t! But you probably don’t have to do it any more than I do.

    And also, for anyone out there, I believe in love at any age. Of course, I’d like to get married in the next year to 18 months and start a family. But I watched a good family friend, who had been a bachelor all his life, get married in his 60′s to a woman, also in her 60′s, and it was the first marriage for both of them. She and I are very close, and I know she’s been through a lot. But they are like two happy love birds. So I don’t think any of us need to give up, ever!!

    (pep talk for myself as well as any one else… :) )

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:32pm

  425. 425: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    392: Violet says:
    “I’m stressed about everything. I’m going to be 55 and I feel like I don’t know diddly squat about dating and social interaction with men. ”
    ===

    I just wanted to say I feel the same way. I’ve just been told to do what feels good for me and to look after myself.

    Maybe some of the more experienced goddesses here have practical words of advice. I just wanted to offer a few words of support.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:35pm

  426. 426: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    BTW – LonePlum:

    I LOVE those little glimpses into the men’s dating advice! Where did you get those?

    I like the “Girlfriend Stealers Handbook” (seriously? Yeah, they’re serious.)

    But this is my favorite:

    “It’s all about HER, no more YOU.”

    I wish more guys could take that advice!!!!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:39pm

  427. 427: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #392
    Violet – Sorry for taking so long in answering, sooo many posts on this site…hehe…
    I may not be the best to give you feedback because I have just started working as myself as a siren but I’ll tell you what I have been taught so far…
    The best thing that you can do for yourself is working on your self esteem… I realize that maybe the idea of Circular dating may sound weird but trust me, it works wonders.
    Internet dating sites are great places to start interacting with men, even if you take a little bit of time to get into the communication flow every interaction is an opportunity to build on your self-esteem and practice your technique…
    I guess the basic principles that it’s the foundation of everything is that if you love ourself and realize the great worth you have all the rest will come naturally as a consequence
    Someone who is aware of how great they are won’t start a chase, they will expect to be chased, expect to be courted, expect to be adored
    You will make mistakes, it’s inevitable because what you learn here goes against everything you possibly will have been ding till now (that’s what happened to me at least!!!) but every mistake is a lesson you learn and the more you learn the better you get at it!
    The fact that you and W are similar is neither good nor bad, it just is…
    Lean back, smile, be feminine, listen carefully, don’t ever give an opinion, don’t judge, don’t complain, don’t offer a solution… just be a siren.
    And most of all don’t expect ANYTHING… when you don’t have expectation it’s a lot more difficult to get hurt because you’re not hoping for anything…
    Love yourself, pamper yourself, let W see that OMG you’re amazing and he will follow!!!
    Rori ends her book with an amazing sentence that i have printed and blown up and it’s on my wall now… Practice being adored and you will be… Now, that’s a lesson!
    Hope this helps a bit… Please don’t feel bad, we’re all here to help! :-))

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:42pm

  428. 428: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc,

    Thanks for the compliment! I think what I carried away from this more than anything is that even if I do go back to being my paranoid, obsessive self tomorrow, that’s OK too. As my dad always says, “this too, shall pass.” Good things pass and leave us sad and heartbroken, but then the bad things pass and we heal and the good things come around again. It’s a continual cycle, which is why it’s so important to live in the moment and let go of the outcome…

    I love myself and all of my feelings now, and the one thing I’ve learned is that I can’t make a guy like me any more than he can make me like him. I may be a great girl and he may be a great guy, but that doesn’t mean he’s MY great guy or I’m HIS great girl. If he comes into my life for a reason, I have to pay attention to what that reason is, a lesson, an experience. For a blink of an eye or for forever or anywhere in between. And when it passes, I have to let it go and be ready for the next cycle…

    The cool thing about last night is that I never planned to either stick to or break my no sex boundary. I never planned to have any feelings towards him, either positive or negative. I never planned for him to say, do or feel anything about me in any way. I never planned anything at all. I just allowed myself to go, be open, receive and stay in the moment and let the evening progress however it was going to and however it felt good and natural to me. I can’t believe how much pressure it took off of me and how much I was able to relax!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:44pm

  429. 429: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.youtube.com/user/BachataSweden#p/u/9/AzbI3MOCN8o

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 5:48pm

  430. 430: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Violet –

    Boy do I hear you. I’m about to turn 40, have never been married, have had a couple of relationships last 6 – 9 months, and have never been long-term with anyone.

    There are times I really get down on myself. Part of my trouble was that I considered myself irredeemably ugly for most of my life. Fat, unattractive, etc…. I

    That has all changed for me in the past year, and if you saw pics of me you’d wonder if I had my head screwed on straight that I thought that.

    Part of what changed it for me was that I got feedback. I put pics out there, and had people respond.

    I started to get a lotta feedback from a lotta guys. That’s what really made the difference for me. I think that CD-ing is really where it’s at.

    You can do Rori’s “body painting” exercise, as well. That one’s really nice. Pretend you love yourself. Imagine what it would feel like if you loved yourself, valued yourself, etc…. Inundate yourself with that feeling. Do it on purpose and do it often.

    And — get out there. Get responses. Get talking to men, hearing them, seeing them respond to you.

    You can do this thing!

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:00pm

  431. 431: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Violet:

    Did you read Rori’s ebook yet? Many of your answers are there :) It is an awesome start :)

    Rori states in the ebook that in a relationship one needs to assume the masculine role…and the other the feminine role (you can’t have both)…Both having “strong personalities”, hmm…sounds to me like masculine energy…

    Question: Which role feels good to u? This is always a good start to work on creating the relationship you want…What do u think?

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:38pm

  432. 432: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #428
    Lori – Even better!!!
    And by reading what you just wrote I felt so encouraged… Somehow it did light a little bulb in my brain… hm…
    Not planning = not having expectation
    If it happens: good, if it doesn’t happen: good, if it feels like what I want to do at that moment and I’m detached: GOOD!!!
    Great lesson Lori, thank you!
    I already feel quite a bit of weight lifting from the situation I’m in…
    And I feel a smile! :-))

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:41pm

  433. 433: AndiNo Gravatar says:

    419: Eternity says:
    383 Andi *hugs* So sorry

    thank you Eternity…<3

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 6:47pm

  434. 434: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc:

    Did you get a chance to read this blog? I strongly encourage you….also, please go through the comments…there is a lot of info u might find very valuable in your situation right now :)

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/dont-have-a-talk-with-him-just-speak-from-your-heart/

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:15pm

  435. 435: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #434
    Darling Ella – THANK YOU!!!!
    Will get to it just now… seems exactly what I need!
    :-) x

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:39pm

  436. 436: EternityNo Gravatar says:

    386: Andi says:
    It really is pointless to wonder what he really felt about me or what happened…he is not here now and choses not to be. And in that context he no longer matters.
    ====
    I’m repeating this over and over, it’s what’s stopping me losing the last pieces of my mind. I feel lonely and sad. I love my feelings. They have kept me company all week when I’m used to them being pushed down.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:41pm

  437. 437: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    From Rori

    ***Because POWER is a huge theme here — the quality of our entire lives has a HUGE effect on the power we feel in relationships.

    In other words, you may be struggling through horrible relationship after horrible relationship — and then, once you get your career together, and are doing work you love, and start loving yourself and feeling good about you — your dream man just shows up and it’s easy sailing from there.***

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:46pm

  438. 438: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    From Rori

    ***Sarah, Welcome, and thank you for your heartfelt comment.

    I wish I could be with you in person, take you by the shoulders, shake you, hug you, and help you get a sense of yourself.
    You are lost in a sea of toxicity – this one man is just the “agent” you “hired” to hit you over the head and inject you with poison.

    It’s YOU poisoning yourself…and we have to work really hard here to get you some self-respect and self-love, and I know you are in the right place with all these fantastic women.
    (I’m always very tough with this at first…so you can SEE what’s going on, because your tolerance for punishment is so high, I have to really go heavy-handed here, so sorry, but it’s the only way I’ve experienced that works — “tough love.”)

    You must dump this man, now, forever, and do not look back. Period.

    Now, it’s easy for me, a friend, a family member, a counselor to tell you that…but I want you to listen here.

    The fetish isn’t the problem.
    Everyone’s got something going on, it’s a matter of the basics of relationship – loyalty, attraction, feeling good.

    You CANNOT be IN LOVE with a man who lies to you.

    You BELIEVE you are – but you’re wrong.
    You’re ADDICTED to him.
    You are like a junkie — and not just for love, but for punishment.

    I know you must have a seriously painful childhood behind you, with lying, abuse, distrust, pain…and THIS is what we must address.
    You are staying with this man to KEEP yourself from dealing with what’s really underneath, and as you peel back the layers of how you’ve been protecting yourself from inner pain by heaping MORE pain on yourself…things will get clearer.

    Please read EVERYTHING on this blog, in my newsletters, and anywhere you can find about increasing your self-esteem.
    Start here with the Power & Self Esteem category.
    Self-love is your work right now.

    This man is NOTHING.

    He is NOTHING to you.

    I’m telling you the truth…please consider what life would be like if you believed what I’ve written here.

    What I want for you is HOPE – but a different kind…not hope for this relationship, this man, but for your LIFE.

    You are in a position now in which you must stand tall and RESCUE your own life.

    Now – for all who are in much smaller versions of this pattern (and we ALL have this going on about all kinds of things – our work, our daily life, our health, our love lives – no matter how small…):
    Take a moment to ask yourself  What if everything I believe about love is completely made up — and I made it up — and I can unmake what I made up and make up something new?

    This whole blog, and all my work is about making up something new. 
    Something that feels good.
    As we make new things up, and take baby steps AS IF those things we just made up were REAL — that’s when magic happens.

    This post has a lot of themes, ideas, and Tools…I’ll put them in step-by-step form in the next posts…

    Love, Rori

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/trying-to-get-away-from-pain-by-heaping-on-more-pain-how-to-end-the-cycle/

    written by Rori Raye • 
    Sunday, 16 August 2009 @ 12:10pm

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 7:50pm

  439. 439: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 392 Violet what helped my self-esteem was self talk. I tell myself I love your, I adore you, I cherish you, you are beautiful, you are a fantastic person, everybody loves you. I make it a mantra a litany I say over and over in my head. I stand in front of the mirror and talk to myself. I am hot, I am irresistible. Sometimes I laugh at myself but I am here to tell you it works wonders and it feels great. Make up your own and use them.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:01pm

  440. 440: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5514016n

    When you date a man, you should always feel good, you should never feel less than, you should never doubt yourself …
    …or get out of it

    xxx

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:28pm

  441. 441: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I think we all have little addictions..

    I feel confused reading how scared we women are of men who are addicted. It is seems almost blaming.

    Weather it’s the “over helper” which is COMPULSION and addiciton most common with the addict.

    The big four are drinking, drugs, food, sex..
    Or shopping, men, sugar, gambling, drinking, smoking, exercise.. T

    here is something we all use to cope with painful feelings. Reading the article and responses seems like its seperated into two groups saints and sinners.

    John Gray said – not always, but typically, most women have some sort of food addiction, or body issue and for men it’s sex… porn or etc.

    Until, I’m 100 percent.. I think its just threating for women for sex to be something a man is addicted too. That does feel scary.

    I beleive that sex is the most common down fall for man.. With all the advertising and enticing…

    As long as we are both striving to be better people. Looking at the type of men they hang out with..

    It scary to completely trust a man.. they can easily be with someone they dont love at all.. Just as easy at the same time with someone they do love.. That’s no secret. Plenty of men lead double lives.

    I think it is about what you accept.

    Just on tv.. they had this man dating guru who gave the 20% 60% 20%

    20% of men never cheat.

    60% of men love thier wife or partner and would have a discreet out of town fling and cant wait to get home be with their wife again.

    20% are dirty cheaters who have no respect like Sandra Bullocks ex Jesse James.

    That leves 80% that cheat and 20% that would never.. We all hope for the best..

    Honestly I dont know if I was married for 30 years and my husband had a out of town fling, if I would divorce him for it. What if I did?

    Just some thoughts.. the whole idea of cheating and addiction make me feel angry.. But, the reality is what it is.. I don’t la la land wishing for someone who’s only addiction is me. Common.. that feels fake.

    Thursday, 3 February 2011 @ 8:57pm

  442. 442: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    This is a interesting TV documentary

    Traditional marriage vows ask couples to “forsake all others.” Marrying partners look each other deep in the eye and say “yes.” But does monogamy work?

    (Includes bonus interviews after the end credits)

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/86867/loving-and-cheating#s-p1-sundefined-i0

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:03am

  443. 443: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @440: LonePlum says:

    http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5514016n

    “When you date a man, you should always feel good, you should never feel less than, you should never doubt yourself…or get out of it…”
    ~Michelle Obama

    Thank you, Mrs. Obama.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:14am

  444. 444: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    443 SLV

    I see you clicked on the link I gave so you could hear Michelle Obama’s words. You recognized them, at the end of the video, good for you!
    You thank her, which makes me feel good, it might mean it is exactly what you needed to hear today? I am glad to have brought them to you. You are welcome.

    The point of my post, she is saying exactly what Rori is saying, what all coaches are saying, what mothers say to their daughters, what freedom and equality allows any woman to tell herself.
    Yet the message does not seem to be heard so clearly.
    Wonders of human psyche.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:15am

  445. 445: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    442 Alicia

    I can’t see the video, it says:
    “Hulu is a U.S.-only service at this time. Unfortunately, we don’t have international streaming rights for our content. ”

    xxx

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:21am

  446. 446: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @444: LonePlum says:
    “…You thank her, which makes me feel good, it might mean it is exactly what you needed to hear today? I am glad to have brought them to you. You are welcome…”

    And an extra special thanks to you, LonePlum. I can always count on you to bring us something good. I added Mrs.Obama’s name and the link in case anyone had missed the original link in post.

    I think it is rather special and inspiring to hear her thoughts on how to value a relationship and choose a husband.

    Thanks again, LP.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:27am

  447. 447: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Great link

    http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/

    Welcomes fellow Adult Children of Alcoholics and/or those who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive and addictive families

    Freedom From The Drama Triangle Trap

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:38am

  448. 448: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    441 Alicia

    I found this

    http://www.yourtango.com/200949693/why-tiger-cheated-mars-venus-author-explains

    xxx

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:39am

  449. 449: GeminiLadyNo Gravatar says:

    These are the words I needed to hear. “You don’t want an addict unless he is addicted to you”. Amazingly I had said to Confusing Man last time I saw him … I’m just telling you how I feel and I’m working out what I can accept. I’m not asking for anything.

    Anyway … I want to ask for advice from anyone about what to do now as I have thoughtlessly pushed away a good guy today! I have done this before, when someone I am truly attracted to .. is making an effort to get my attention … I do something so dumb, I get nervous and think I’m not ready for you and I push him away in the moment.

    I’m a casual teacher and last year I noticed this male teacher would always talk to me … he’d come up to me on playground duty … he’d come past the classroom I was in and stop and say a few words. He has a gorgeous smile and I am very attracted to him … but also .. he seems like a genuinely sweet and interesting man. So today I am back at the school, first day back there after our long summer break in Sydney. I walked into the staffroom looking for the work for my classes (as I’m a sub) and this teacher’s face lit up as he saw me … and he was helpful. Next I notice on my tea break he comes past and talks to me again, and at lunch … and asks if I’m on class in the afternoon and I say yes. I’m still clueless at this point just assuming this man is too gorgeous and wonderful (and a bit younger than me) to be interested in me and he’s just friendly. So at the end of last period I’m alone in my classroom picking up a few things and closing windows, he comes to my room and says hi, how’d the day go. I say fine and I smile and am friendly. We are alone in the classroom. He says “can I help you clean up here” ….. and what do I say??? Its last period Friday afternoon, a very hot day and I’m just thinking ooh I’m feeling a bit shy here so I say “oh I’m ok I just want to pack up and go home”. Duh.

    So gorgeous teacher looks a bit quiet and looks at me and says ok and disappears and that’s when I realise hey I think he wanted a little time here with me and I just appeared to snub him! I didn’t mean it, I felt shy and just wanted to deal with his attention when I wasn’t hot and tired and uncomfortable. I went back to the staffroom and saw him, he was talking to another teacher but I said “bye Courtney” … um he didn’t answer.

    Oh no … I was hoping to see what would happen with him when I went back to school this year as I was not sure if he was flirting with me last year. What do I do next time I see him? And I am never sure when I will get a day at that school? So dumb dumb dumb.

    Positive thing to this … my thoughts are genuinely distracted from confusing man I’ve been seeing past few months.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:09am

  450. 450: GeminiLadyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and I love that Michelle Obama quote, I’m going to write it up and put it on my fridge.

    Regarding post 447, Alicia I will check out that post. Yes alcoholism is a big problem in my Irish family, luckily I didn’t inherit this addiction but my sister believes I’m addicted to love and/or sex … she has battled alcoholism since she was very young. She managed to get to a great point in her life, not drinking for several years and married another former alcoholic. It seemed great that they were supporting each other, but she has admitted to me they are both drinking again and she has to decide whether the only way for her to get back on track is to leave her marriage. Its a tough decision.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:15am

  451. 451: marinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello dear Sirens,

    Wow, watching revolution happen in Egypt! Wonder what will happen in the rest of the (Arab) world… Gottago to work 4 hours, but don’t wanna miss a thing…

    Thnx for sharing your wisdom and stories here.
    I am moving to a different place than where I was when I found this website.
    BF4 let me be alone for 2 weeks, which I am grateful for now (looking back ;). It is easier to see things more clearly between us, just see what is and how I feel about it.
    And in the back of my mind are your words and stories :D
    It is not about him and it is not about the outcome.

    I am back on my horse and love it :)

    If you are looking for news on Egypt, check CNN live and Aljazeera English.

    Fingers crossed for a peaceful outcome in Egypt!

    XXXX

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:47am

  452. 452: marinaNo Gravatar says:

    http://twitter.com/#!/cnni/egypt/

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:59am

  453. 453: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 441 Thank you for that Alicia

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:19am

  454. 454: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum I wanted to thank you too for the Obama link. I wonder if it is that we don’t hear the words or if it is that our societal cultures has set it up that we feel we have to accept the first man we connect with. I have a niece that is 22 years old and married the first man she dated. Her mother was upset because she wanted her to experience more but she immediately got pregnant and settled. I have to wonder if it is just that our bodies are set up in such a way that we want to settle with the first person we fall for because the original intention was for sex after marriage. Reason being that we get hormonally hooked and then it seems like that’s it.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:26am

  455. 455: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 449 GeminiLady I am going to write below what I see in the context of some books I have read and some other material I have listened to, hope you will allow me to write my feelings about it and make some suggestions. From what you say it seems to me like a case of the common upper limit problem that Gay Hendricks speak about in the book The Big Leap. What it is, is that we all have a thermostat setting for the amount of love and positive energy we will allow to flow through our lives. I borrowed the book from the library and it helped me a lot, I recommend it to a lot of my friends to check it out. From what I understand from John Gottman what he is doing was making an emotional bid for connection, which you seemed to have not picked up on. We all tend to miss those “moments” that we can use to connect on an emotional level. Most of us say “I am fine” and leave others wondering as do know our true feelings. I heard in a Christian Carter interview with relationship experts with Gay Hendricks as he explained that is the biggest lie between the sexes. We are so out of touch with our true feelings it is just easy to say that and leave people wondering about us. I guess his not answering when you tried was a reflection back to you of what you were showing, which was that you were not available. Also (this is my thinking aloud here) we teach people how to treat us and it is possible that it might have communicated “treat me the same way I am treating you”. As another coach puts it, those were missed moments and as women we need to be “present” to catch these string of moments that could lead to “forever”. I quote “a relationship is a string of moments”.

    “I felt shy and just wanted to deal with his attention when I wasn’t hot and tired and uncomfortable”. This sound vulnerable and might have been the thing that could have been the icebreaker between you two is my humble opinion from what I have learnt thus far. In your shoes I would just start smiling at everyone around me and saying hi at every opportunity. This way even if your head is down and someone (maybe he) approaches you he gets the smile and hi before you even look up. Keep a smile on your face that in the event he looks toward you, you could use the opportunity to stare with a smile on your face. At least that is what I would do so it is obvious I am open to an approach. In other words you share your smile with the whole world generally not just with him, seeking an outcome.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:53am

  456. 456: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    I personally believe it is a combination of societal cultures and more importantly I think it is a matter of personal filters.

    What I mean by this is we all establish our personal guidelines and belief systems at a very early age in order to survive in our families… as we grow older, some of those beliefs which are not necessarily healthy are automatic and unconscious and we never question them because that’s how we survived and we don’t even realize it’s automatic.

    Our brains filter out the tons of information that we take in daily to only find and allow the data that support those beliefs. That’s why we can receive a compliment and not really hear it, or discount it. Or interpret an event to mean something completely different than what actually happened.

    I think the more we observe ourselves in a curious manner, the more open we become to changing those beliefs which no longer serve us. You know the ones I mean. I don’t deserve to be loved… etc.

    We may never consciously say these things to ourselves, but a look at the results that we are getting is a clear indicator of what we really believe about ourselves.

    This is my opinion about how life works. Now when I look at results in my life I don’t like, I start asking myself what it is I would have to believe in order to get those results. Then I look at someone who’s getting results I want and think what must they believe to achieve that? This is how I work to change what I’m doing. It is only when I recognize what I am doing automatically that I can begin to change those old thought/belief habits.

    Some friday morning musings

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:55am

  457. 457: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    I agree, there is some kind of societal pressure to settle down with the first person we make a connection with. One of my grandmothers married at 14, the other at 16. My mother married at 18. All were virgins when they married. One grandmother was married to that same man until she died. The other grandmother and my mother divorced their original husbands and promptly got remarried to other men. That grandmother was with her second husband until she died and my mother is still with her second husband. So none of my female role models have ever had sex outside of marriage.

    I married the second man I dated and had already had sex with the first guy I dated. We had been engaged, but didn’t go through with the wedding, so I was the first woman in my family to have sex outside of marriage! I have a very healthy sex drive, but ingrained guilt over having sex outside of marriage or at least a committed relationship, so until the last 2 years, I have been someone’s wife, fiance or girlfriend my entire life. I have been “engaged” 7 times in my life, and I say that in quotations because deep down I knew that either I or my “fiance” never had intentions of actually going through with a marriage, and it probably would have been disastrous if we had. But I wanted to have sex with them and the only way I could feel OK with doing that was to have a formal commitment I could feel good about telling my mother and grandmothers about. I have never had a one night stand or even sex with no commitment until recently. Even with rings on my finger, I still struggled with guilt.

    The past 2 years I have been working on separating my sex drive (which may possibly even be bordering on addiction) from what is really going on with my relationships. It has been a liberating and empowering experience for me to realize that I don’t have to be married, engaged or even committed just to have sex, and I feel that if I ever do get married again it will be for the right reasons and not just out of lust or sexual addiction.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:06am

  458. 458: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 457 Wow Thanks for sharing that Lori. Now I feel better that I was not the only one who got engaged more than once without moving forward. I feel like I was so dumb about relationships now that I am learning. Speak about ingrained guilt, it seems it is something I dealt with all my life. Even just feeling sexual urges seemed like it was wrong. The whole sex thing was a taboo for my family, it wasn’t something to even talk about much less do. I remember even actually praying that God would take away the feelings. Boy this human experience is really something.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:14am

  459. 459: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    WOW! ME TOO! I have prayed numerous times and asked for my lustful feelings to be taken away so I could be a “good girl” I have even canceled dates with men or plans to go out with girlfriends on nights when I felt particularly strong urges out of fear of doing something “wrong” casually. I call those my “werewolf” nights because I “chain” myself up at home like the werewolves always did in movies to keep themselves from attacking someone when they changed on a full moon. It seems kind of silly now, but guilt is a powerful ruler…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:22am

  460. 460: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

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    Check it out, this is something you will really want to add to your manifesting toolkit.

    Wishing you love & transformation,

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    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:27am

  461. 461: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 459 Lori I am happy to know I am not alone in this maze. Thanks for sharing.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:28am

  462. 462: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Lori and FW,

    I get the whole urges thing. I, too, worried that I was a sex addict. But you know what? I think we were created to have natural urges. I struggle with mine to determine what is healthy and what is a leftover from early sexual abuse.

    In fact, when someone in the blog commented about their mates being so addicted they wanted to have sex 3 X a day I thought, wow, wouldn’t that be cool. I guess I may be addicted to sex, but I am not seeking it out at every corner, so maybe I have it somewhat under control?

    I feel less guilt these days and prefer instead to see myself as evolving and growing. I wonder if our rush as women to be in relationships is less about finding “the one” and more about being okay with our healthy sex drives and sharing the essence of who we are and connecting on a deep level with another human being.

    I choose to believe that my life is unfolding just as it should and that the universe just wants to find more ways to delight me.

    Pleased to be growing along side such wonderful women…

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:03am

  463. 463: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question for all of you. I’ve recently discovered that one of my CD guys lied about his age online. I’ve done it before too, though I was honest this time, but I always fess up pretty quickly especially if I plan to meet the guy in person. This is not someone I just met and and although he’s not really stepping up and I don’t see him often, we have been on several dates since we started talking about 6 months ago. He’s had ample opportunity to tell me, but still hasn’t fessed up. I found out through a slip of one of his friends I met last time we went out and now am not sure whether I should call him on it or not. I don’t really see him as serious relationship potential, but I feel irked he hasn’t found a way to fess up in this time…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:07am

  464. 464: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby,

    3X a day would be very very cool LOL

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:08am

  465. 465: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    Just read this from Mercedes on another thread and thought it profound so I decided to copy it here.
    Here’s an answer I gave to a follower in an email…I think it fits perfectly right here to help explain where I stand on boundaries and why, although they may seem harsh, they are actually very, very feminine:

    For me, boundaries are about the most feminine thing I can think of. Feminine women stand up for themselves because they love themselves so much that they can think of nothing better to do than cherish who they are and what they need.

    If boundaries seem harsh it is because they are solid. It is totally up to you how and when you do it (because they are true deal-breakers) so nobody can tell you when to set them or even what they should be.

    Men usually resist them at first (to test you and see how strong you are and how much you really meant it) so if you can’t be strong, then they aren’t really boundaries…they are more like suggestions. Once a man sees you mean it and you are solid in it, that’s when they choose to either honor them or not. I’ve never met a man who didn’t respect a woman for her boundaries. Sometimes, those boundaries are something they want to do for her and sometimes, they let her walk away, but I’ve NEVER seen a situation where a man thought a woman was weak or less feminine or worthless because she knew what she needed and she demanded it for herself.

    For me, respect from my man is just as important to me as love is. I need it and yes…I have a boundary that I will always be treated with respect by my man. He’s made a few mistakes since we originally talked about boundaries (as have I) but once I explain to him how he crossed one (usually, he didn’t see that he was – for example – disrespecting me so he didn’t even realize he had crossed a boundary) he moves VERY quickly to remedy the situation.

    Setting boundaries however should only happen when you are absolutely ready to stand by them. Anything less and he’ll see it as less and he’ll find it very hard to learn to respect them in the future…even when you really are ready. For me, I had to really get in touch with my anger (at myself and at him) before I was able to set boundaries. Before that, I had none and he treated me as though I had none. I take full responsibility for that. Now, I have strong ones and if he ever treats me as though I don’t…well…that will be HIS mistake and I will not take any of that on.

    Does that make sense?

    She says in a follow up she “cannot and will not be friends with a man who has her heart.” That was a profound statement for me.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:10am

  466. 466: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 463 I guess he must feel some fear around coming out and saying it now, so long after the fact. Reverse the shoes and see how you would feel in his place. I guess though it might be helpful to find a playful way to bring it up. He might not yet be confirmed in his own mind about a long term relationship with you either because he might have felt your vibes toward him, hence possibly debating with himself and honesty. I would suggest asking yourself why would he be honest with me when I am not being honest with him in not openly telling him that I am not seriously considering him that way? I would give him the benefit of the doubt until he starts stepping up to offer me something before I bring it up. Maybe even something like “I want to be in an open honest relationship with a man who shares the same values”.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:20am

  467. 467: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    I must be growing in spite of my strong drive though… the reason I say this is:

    I met a guy not all that long ago with a drive as strong as mine and energy and “skill” to boot. I’m talking hours on end and Multiple O’s… Wheeeeeeeeee!

    He wanted me in a committed relationship with him before he would agree to sex. I wouldn’t do it because I felt that we were way too different. I did however tell him that although I choose to be in a committed relationship for sex and have turned down countless friends with benefits situations, I would make an exception in his case. Well, we struggled back and forth trying to make up our minds and finally decided that we would. I had a couple of weeks of treating him like a piece of meat. Talk about your role reversal. It was fun, but he was getting attached and so was I and in the long run I KNEW we were wrong for each other.

    So I guess I would prefer less sex or even mediocre sex with someone I’m crazy about on every other level than fabulous sex with someone who can’t respect my fundamental beliefs.

    Great fun while it lasted and I refuse to feel guilty for it because I spelled out what I wanted and didn’t want and I abided by my boundaries. When the lines got blurry, I made my exit.

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:23am

  468. 468: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Thanks. I realized I suspected it all along, which may be why I am not considering him serious dating material. That and the fact that he just doesn’t call as often as I would want from a man with whom I allow myself to get serious.

    It just seems like such a female thing to do to lie about your age. It makes me feel like theres some kind of weakness or insecurity when a man does it….

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:25am

  469. 469: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    oh.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:28am

  470. 470: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby,

    I want it all- frequent and fabulous sex with a man I’m crazy about on every other level too. (who also feels the same about me!)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:28am

  471. 471: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    It’s Friday and I have a date w/ a new CD tonight, woohoo!

    All this talk about sex and love addiction is really timely. I am a recovery love addict. My addiction has played out pretty significantly in the sexual realm…as in, “I will have sex with you to make you love me.”. I have a healthy sex drive, but I used sex to get love – sex wasn’t the goal.

    I am finding that Rori’s tool keep me grounded in reality and help keep me from jumping in over my head too quickly. I’m excited to experience relationships in a healthy way, rather than the old addictive way.

    If any of you are interested in finding more info on love addiction. I would recommend reading “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody and an eye opening autobiographical account of love addiction called “Love Sick”…don’t remember the author just now.

    Hope you are all well and looking forward to a weekend of beautiful moments.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:38am

  472. 472: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 468 Lori says “It just seems like such a female thing to do to lie about your age. It makes me feel like theres some kind of weakness or insecurity when a man does it…”. Interesting.

    I waffle about the regular calling thing though because it seems like it is a guy thing to not call. Some of them just don’t like the phone or use the phone for business it seems. I guess though when they are really in they make it clear by their actions in leading the way. I find at times I get overwhelmed when guys call all the time and actually want to pull back a little. I am not sure I really like it when I totally have them, though I have to admit that I feel better to have them on dates rather than talking on the phone. I have experienced a telephone romeo before where he spent most of the time of the phone rather than taking me out. That I feel is worse than someone not calling as I need my space.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:46am

  473. 473: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. I have plenty of opportunities to practice being a Siren this weekend – four dates out of seven invitations! I am the CD QUEEN! Woohoo!

    Tonight is dinner at a 3-star place I have been dying to try with a guy from about 2 hours away. He talks a lot, I never can get a word in, but I will practice listening.

    Tomorrow day is a guy I don’t really like. I feel a little irritable about going when there are other men I had to turn down, but he “got there first” and I’m trying to follow the CD guidelines.

    Tomorrow night is Nikos. Cute and brainy, but it’s not going anywhere I want to go (too newly separated). But I will practice feeling messages and being inviting.

    Sunday day is a darling voiceover actor. He cracks me up with his aging stoner and his gay hillbilly voice! And he’s VERY pursue-y. I am being all melt-y and feel-y, and he’s eating it up. He is coming on very strong (and we have not even met yet), so I am wary of “instant relationship” (Christian Carter concept), but I will melt and lean back and love it!

    Wish me luck, my Sirens! Thanks for all the help here. I have not given “Dangerous Davis” even one thought all week!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:52am

  474. 474: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I hope I didn’t offend.

    summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:58am

  475. 475: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    Where do you live and where are you meeting all of these guys???? 7 invitations!!! WOW!! I feel excited for you!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:06am

  476. 476: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @474: Summerbaby says:
    “…SLV,
    I hope I didn’t offend.
    summerbaby…”

    I didn’t find anything offensive in any of your posts.

    I have a lot of windows open on computer, came past and was surprised, had a teeny mental orgasm of the “Amelie” variety. LOL :lol:

    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:11am

  477. 477: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Lori, I feel exited too! I’m in the Cincinnati, OH, area.

    Match, Plenty o’ Fish, and OkCupid, and eH…I’m doing them all!

    I have a an unusual and funny profile (quirky, I guess), and it brings them in. I’ve been pretending I’m a rock star ;) I am going to try Daria’s “see the curve of my butt” thing at all four dates so I feel sexy and fabulous!

    This is my kid-free weekend, so I have to fit all my fun in for two weeks in just two days.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:18am

  478. 478: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 473 You go Boomer, remember to let go of outcomes and expectations and stay in your body/feelings.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:19am

  479. 479: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @477: boomer says:
    “..Thanks, Lori, I feel exited too! I’m in the Cincinnati, OH, area…”

    I didn’t see a response in my post to you re: Fountain Square. I will assume it no longer exists…that’s a little sad.

    I grew up in suburbs north of Cincinnati.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:27am

  480. 480: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    RE: #473 – Wow! Go for it! I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I like your picture!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:47am

  481. 481: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I do like those midwest guys…. I’m a southern girl myself… : )

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:52am

  482. 482: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    haha one of my guy friends just told me that in the early stages of dating, while a man enjoys the pursuit, they do need some attention from us. he said it’s like really rich, sweet fudge. If you don’t give them any at all, they will go in search of other fudge. But if you give them too much, it will make them queasy and they won’t want the fudge at all.

    I loved this analogy and just wanted to share!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:55am

  483. 483: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV @ 476,

    Very cool. As an aside and in reference to a prior post re: black history month…. I’m really drawn to quilting. One of the things I discovered about my passion for this was that there are several quilt patterns which were used as signals for safe houses and the underground railroad for escaping slaves.
    People would hang quilts out that had the proper patterned patches and travelers would know that they would find safety and assistance in their escape.

    I made an “underground railroad” quilt block in honor of its history. Just seemed like an appropriate moment to share.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:59am

  484. 484: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lori @ 482…

    fudge! I love it. great analogy.

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:02am

  485. 485: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman #465: “She says in a follow up she “cannot and will not be friends with a man who has her heart.” That was a profound statement for me.”

    I should have clarified that a little more because reading it now makes me go “WOW!” lol.

    J is my best friend…really the best friend anyone could ever ask for. What I meant above is that if we were not together romantically I would not be his friend. I can’t do that. When I ended things with him I said “I can’t be your friend.”…and that broke his heart. But how could I go from being in love with someone to being his buddy or “just friends”? For me, it’s not possible.

    Lucky for us he missed his friend and his love because the missing us is what brought us back to each other in a stronger way than we ever had been before.

    Hope that makes sense…and I’m happy to see my comments are touching someone sometimes. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:05am

  486. 486: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    RE: #482 – Fudge! Love it!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:11am

  487. 487: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “It just seems like such a female thing to do to lie about your age. It makes me feel like theres some kind of weakness or insecurity when a man does it….”

    Lori, it doesn’t seem like a female thing to me at all. What if he lied about his age on there bc he read that advice to do so from a men’s dating coach? We have all followed dating advice that really was not the best thing to do and sometimes not even consistent with our own values or personalities. We have all made mistakes in dating.

    As far as him not fessing up yet… He may have actually forgotten all about it — if it were me, that would probably be the case.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:19am

  488. 488: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I was at an unemployment hearing yesterday. Two years ago, I took a one week job buying back used college textbooks at a college. I reported the income, and they ended up saying that I wrongfully collected unemployment after that, because I became an independent self-employed worker by taking that one week job.

    It was totally ridiculous, but as a result, they just took $1100 out of my unemployment money over the past 6 weeks, which has made living really tight. I appealed it and thus the hearing.

    When the “referee” was talking to me, it seemed like he was toying with my mind, first saying one thing and then another, not like he was trying to understand and resolve at all. As he rambled on, I studied his eyes, and I got centered with my feelings.

    I was determined to not burst out in anger and yell, which is my default tendency. My feeling messages may not have been perfect, but I said, “I feel ridiculed.”

    He said, “What? You feel ridiculed? Why do you feel ridiculed?”

    I said, “I don’t like they way I feel treated. This feels really bad. I am not a criminal here. I did nothing unethical. I am simply saying I took work when work was available. I had an established unemployment claim. This feels really unfair.”

    I will receive a written decision in the mail within 2 weeks. I feel good, and it’s not necessarily because he ruled in my favor. It’s because I felt confident and respectful of myself the way I handled it!

    Over and over, I am thankful for Rori’s powerful tools in my life!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:22am

  489. 489: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @483: Summerbaby says:
    “… made an “underground railroad” quilt block in honor of its history…”

    Very, very cool! 8)
    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:22am

  490. 490: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @487: Lucy says:
    “As far as him not fessing up yet… He may have actually forgotten all about it — if it were me, that would probably be the case…”

    I don’t know what I’d do in a situation like this…maybe I’d call him on it in a lighthearted kind of way. A guy’s response might be more important that the original fib.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:27am

  491. 491: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda
    Good for you, Brenda. And I’m also very glad you had ruling in your favor! That money will come in very handy!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:32am

  492. 492: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Lori @463,

    I once dated a guy who misrepresented not only his age, but his health, and several other issues.

    I questioned why he felt the need to lie about them and he made some feeble excuses. They were deal breakers for me. Not that I couldn’t date someone with some of the things he lied about, but that I couldn’t abide being lied to and deliberately mislead. It just really slams smack dab into my trust boundary.

    I don’t know all the variables, so I might approach it as SLV states above and see how he reacts. Sometimes I think we just know underneath it all, but we’ve trained ourselves to ignore our intuition.

    I’m working on reversing that, reconnecting with my feelings and learning to trust myself and my gut.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:41am

  493. 493: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens,

    I feel smiley as I write this…

    I reactivated my match account for about a month now…I usually get overwhelmed within 3 days and step back…this time…I let the emails flow…and my profile/pics active…

    Reading profiles about men…I noticed being triggered and placing judgemetns…I also noticed my instincts/walls going up reading some men’s profiles and their messages to me…

    So, since I feel so good and not invested in anything as of now, I thought I should test my instincts…

    Here is one example:

    He said:

    “I’m the one
    How about church Saturday and I will wear a shirt? Thanks. Bill. ” Jan 31

    I hesitated to answer…his profile made me feel icky…good looking man…but what he said…kept me on hold…so I didn’t respond…

    2nd message: He said:

    “One more time…
    Bill. 503 ……… thank you. ”

    I thought ab it and I decided to express myself…
    My 1st response:

    “RE: one more time…
    Hello Bill,

    Thank you for showing interest in my profile :) I admit, I felt smiley reading your message….”How about church Saturday and I will wear a shirt? ” I feel always appreciative of a good sense of humor…

    I sense a bit of frustration with dating from reading your profile…Is there something more you want to share about it?”

    His response:
    “RE: one more time…
    Thanks for the reply, all is well. I was just honest what I said, hope you call soon. Bill. ”

    My response:
    “Hello Bill,

    I admit feeling uneasy and feeling concern reading your profile … It feels bad to Read “Please have a level head on your shoulders and be self-supportive. Not looking to be anyone’s sugar daddy or therapist…”

    I sense judgments and frustrations beneath these statements…

    It is being said that what we express to the Universe comes back to us like a boomerang…Expressing fear, judgment and negative thoughts, does not prevent us from receiving anything positive…to the contrary…

    For example, one seeking a sugar daddy or a therapist…can present herself in different forms to you (people with addictive behavior know how to hide)…without u even realizing…and a few months into the relationship we end up with someone we tried to stay away from…So, the question is…what makes us attracted to them? Who is the common denominator in this equation? Us maybe? It seems to me u have had a few experiences of such…

    What do you think?”

    So, I wanted to learn more ab him prior to meeting him…He didn’t respond until three days later…I knew my message will trigger him…maybe even be pissed…That felt good…cause I was unattached to the outcome…

    His response:
    “Good am
    If you’d like we could have dinner and talk, you know my number, thank you. ”

    I didn’t respond…I’ve been pretty laid back lately…In a very melancholic and studious mood …

    So, today, I just got another message from him:
    “You are right..
    I hope to see you soon to talk more, thank you, Bill. ”

    I feel smiley and triumphant somehow…I haven’t decided if I want to meet him yet…

    Something similar I did with two others…I finally gave in to one and met him for “drinks” …It felt good to have conversation and use Rori’s tools…I also notice how strong I’ve become…my boundaries…what what feels good to me…how I express much more softly…how I slowly become to experience being…

    This same gentleman i recently met (a very rich man) who was taking pride in being cynical about life…told me…”he feels humble meeting and talking to me…and that maybe I am a messenger for him…” It felt good hearing that…:)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:43am

  494. 494: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Brenda!

    Isn’t it cool how we can find new ways to make ourselves heard and be powerful without having to go to our default tendencies?

    Congratulations – I hope the ruling was, in fact, in your favor!

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:46am

  495. 495: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda #488:

    Wow, beautiful :) Congratulations :)

    The past two weeks, I have been using feeling messages with my BOSS…lol…He and I didn’t see face to face for about two years…and now, things are shifting…and all because of the work I’ve been doing on myself :)

    Awesome :) Thank you Rori :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:47am

  496. 496: SummerbabyNo Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    @493, your post feels powerful to me. I can sense your comfort with yourself and it inspires me to let go and not be attached to outcomes.

    Very cool.

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:50am

  497. 497: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby #496:

    I feel happy my experience is inspiring you :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:55am

  498. 498: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Brenda
    @494: Summerbaby says:
    “…Yay Brenda!…Congratulations – I hope the ruling was, in fact, in your favor!…”

    Uh-oh, oops :oops: Did I jump the gun? I think I did. I read “ruled” as past tense rather than subjunctive mood. So…fingers crossed. I think it will be decided in your favor, Brenda. But even if not, you will be OK. I’ve had these hearings go both ways.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 11:00am

  499. 499: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all! Yes, I still don’t know. But my vibe in the very tense meeting was of confidence and knowing who I am. In the past it would have been full of shame and anger.

    This stuff is really becoming a part of me, and it feels so good to know what to say and how to say it in all kinds of situations.

    I’ve also noticed that my friends in the every day world seem inhibited to me now. I feel far more free, and I become aware of that when I see how bound up people seem inside themselves.

    This transparency and inner tranquility with ALL the parts of me feels really healthy.

    Time to do some housework. Not my favorite thing, but it needs to be done…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 11:32am

  500. 500: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    Saw this on another thread and found it intriguing. She asked him a question on the 3rd date and he was honest with his answer. She said she felt a nagging feeling and I feel it was her intution. I feel if she had asked on the first date he would have responded.

    For me, FeminineWoman this is further reinforcement that I should stick to what I want and speak up about it in a way that can be heard. I speak out to the Universe that “I am open and receptive to building a harmonious, loving, connected, committed, honest, conscious relationship with a man that is open and wanting to cherish me in an authentic relationship where we can grow together into better people and be open to allowing as much love and postive energy as possible to flow between and through us”. I set my intention.

    Comments on Thread:
    I have been CDing, and it so happened that one of my date turned out to be a married man. Had met him at a party, after he asked me out- I had checked with a mutual aqaintence and was told he was divorced, and very much single. He turned out to be a lovely man, stepping up in a bigway, and I felt very romanced. I felt so drawn to him. Somehow he seemed too perfect, lacked the nuttiness of the single men I have been dating. I couldn’t help a nagging feeling and asked him on our third date if he was single at this point in life. He told me he was married and had two kids. I aksed him what he was looking for, and he answered friendship and that he loved being with me. I asked him if he had told his wife, and he said no. To which I added that if he was already compartmentalising and hadn’t mentioned his wife or children, this could not be a innocent friendship; and it was good to get things out of the way and build a friendship, because I did not date married men. We went on to spend the evening together, laughed, had fun, went out for a walk and ended the evening with me saying that next I would like to meet him in company of other friends and establish a friendship first, before we met one on one again- . That one on one felt like a date to me, and right now I wanted to spend that time with single men to find a partner.
    The problem now is this- I feel very drawn to this man, I feel attraction. My other CD’s have not been stepping up, and I feel vulnerable. He is been calling, asked me out for a drink which I postponed to a time when I am meeting up other friends. We have been talking over the phone, he has been calling, me too at times and I feel fear, and I feel very anxious that I am slipping. You see I have wasted some years, felt the pain and the futility of being involved with a married man in the past- and this is the biggest non negotiable for me. I don’t at this moment feel able to break contact all together with this man (already)- I wonder if I can practice the third way- of taking him along with me on the horse- feel all the attraction, the fear, the anxiety, the greyness, the messy feelings- and transform it into warmth, affection of a friendship of sorts, all the while CDing.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 11:36am

  501. 501: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @493 DE
    Re: Bill, let us know how it goes. I did have an uneasy feeling when I read his messages. If that was all of the text, they seemed rather short but I’m not a good judge of what to expect in online dating messages.

    When I see ” I was just honest what I said” an alarm goes off. My experience is that some people will say anything and excuse themselves by using that phrase or something similar.

    And I don’t get the many “thank you”s in the messages. It seems odd to me, IMHO.

    Practice is good. I’m getting some and learning by reading your experiences.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 11:53am

  502. 502: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 485 Mercedes I did get the impression that it was romance you wanted not friendship. I felt empowering reading it because you came across as strong and firm but not overbearing or rude in any way. That is what I need to learn without coming across as weak. I tend to go from one extreme to the next.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:06pm

  503. 503: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel happy reading your posts, Brenda. You sound great! <3

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:09pm

  504. 504: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    @SLV #501:

    Yes, I will surely do :)

    Interesting to note your observations :) I have been doing online dating on and off for about 6 years now…and I observed that men who are recently divorced, separated after a long term relationship…tend to be more chatty online and want to talk…get to know u prior to meeting u…

    Men who have been dating for quite some time and are “action oriented”…want to skip to “blah, blah” part and want to meet in person…

    Of course, there also those in the middle…who are with someone exclusive, yet they want to keep their options open (something like we are now trying to accept and promote in our lives)..these men like to keep u interested for their ego, for backup, etc……yet, don’t push to meet…that’s the biggest sign…if within 2 weeks of communication he does not ask u out…yep, he is seeing someone…and likely is in a relationship…

    After all this time of dating, I also prefer meeting as soon as possible…Just that lately as you probably recall, I am still recovering from a very intense emotional rollercoaster…Taking the time to heal via meditation, reading, studying…feels the best thing for me right now…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:16pm

  505. 505: FeminineWomanNo Gravatar says:

    Just saw this in another relationship Newsletter

    Seriously – a research study in which they interviewed hundreds of man all over the country for almost a decade found that the #1 reason a man wants to marry a woman is if SHE LOVES HERSELF MORE than she loves him.

    Isn’t that the best news ever?

    Did you get that?

    Let me say it again…

    Men WANT you to love yourself MORE than you love them.

    Which means, if you put a man’s needs AHEAD of your own, to the DENIAL of your own, you’re NOT loving yourself more, and you’ll become UNATTRACTIVE to him.

    So Janice has to stay strong! She’s just become a WHOLE lot more attractive… but that would all be gone in a moment if she were to give in and give up what she wants and go back to him under those same “I’m not sure” terms…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:19pm

  506. 506: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hi sirens
    home sick recovering from wisdom teeth extraction.

    la la la i’m SO BORED

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:40pm

  507. 507: DebNo Gravatar says:

    @500 FeminineWoman – Wow, it felt awesome to read your relationship intention! That was so beautiful I even got a little teary… :*) Thanks for sharing.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:58pm

  508. 508: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i dreamt

    I saw guywho with some friends… at first… it was jut what it was

    but then

    my softness… drew him and

    he drew me in and said he wants me to be his girl

    i was soft.

    then i dreamt Rori had a bunch of billboard with paintings by her along a road

    and she was differentiating between me and her or it was a post about me and how my way is and how other posters can view my words

    ok.

    the dream felt good.

    i felt a lil anxius with guywho.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 12:58pm

  509. 509: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yesterday i felt so afraid about the situation of someone i care for

    i am raising energy

    keeping my vibration on happy and praying

    and its working!

    the situation is steadily improving

    Angels please show me how to raise the energy to make my wishes come true! t hank you!

    i opent the door for help and aid in fulfilling this, in healing and loving and healing and loving this situation

    i want to see it as an adventure

    i want to be happy in the face of what my program wants to call desperate situation

    thanks ANGELS!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:01pm

  510. 510: DebNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I could use some input please!

    After I broke it off with Shag things got really weird and bad. He didn’t take it well, felt deceived, and kept pushing for contact with me – drunk texts, “casually” mentioning he was going for a walk, etc. near me and asking to meet up. But the problem last time was that I would agree to see him and he misinterpreted it as me wanting to be with him.

    I was only CDing him, mentioned seeing other guys, etc., but I think he had selective hearing about it.

    Then he started getting angry and messaged me cursing, making smart-ass comments, and calling me immature. He had always been completely respectful to me before so I was shocked to see this side of him. I was so mad that I didn’t want to respond and be provoked into some down-spiraling argument, so I just totally stopped responding.

    He finally stopped messaging me and now I’ve had some room to breathe. I feel bad about ending things on such a sour note. I hold firm that I was honest and didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m just so uncomfortable thinking that he thinks I used him.

    He was my messenger who taught me how to receive and I’m thankful for having had him in my life, but he’s not the man for me. Here’s what I’m about to write him:

    “Thank you for the space.
    It feels awful for things to be like this between us, but I’m angry too and I feel shut-down by the name-calling. I am open to talking now if you still are, but if not I understand.”

    What do you guys think? Any room for tweaks? Should I just forget it or push through to learn something more here?

    <3 Thank you <3

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:13pm

  511. 511: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I just weighed myself — haven’t done it in over a year — and got a big shock! :shock:

    Well, no true reason for shock since I took long look in mirror day or two ago and had to go hmmm, but still… I …had…no…idea… I don’t usually use a scale, relying on how I feel and clothes feel.

    I am distraught! Now I have to lose 60 pounds!

    I am switching off all other priorities.

    A friend is undergoing weight loss surgery so I guess she will be like Star Jones. :D and she is after me to have the surgery too. I don’t want to do that and don’t qualify anyway but I am crestfallen…

    But I’m damn serious…something must be done!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:15pm

  512. 512: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Deb – it sounds to me -reading that message – that you are open to dating him again. If not, I wouldn’t write anything.

    Also, being called names would feel bad… I wouldn’t want that from a man… i feel glad you cut him off before the attacks started

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:21pm

  513. 513: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    though if you want to give him another chance…

    i am giving Securityman another chance

    he wants to see me today

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:21pm

  514. 514: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @DE

    Thanks, DE for sharing. I really, really appreciate it and your insight means a lot to me.

    I am hoping something wonderful happens for you soon. You are a sweet lady.

    I guess you know now… I have to go work on my body and it’s more (no pun intended) than I originally thought. Maybe a good thing, the shocking horror has pushed up my motivation level!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:24pm

  515. 515: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    SLV if you are interested I’ll tell you what I “did” that finally, and easily, lost my 80 lbs… IDK if it will work for anyone else but it really goes hand in hand w/what we’re learning here – to listen to ourselves.

    It’s long but if want, give me an email address I’ll send it to you.

    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 1:42pm

  516. 516: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you to all the people that responded to my post #392.

    Re.. Whether I have masculine or feminine energy. I believe that I have masculine energy.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:00pm

  517. 517: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Violet,

    I tend to have more masculine energy as well. However, in relationships, I want to be the girl. I have a strong need to feel wanted and accepted and find that when I operate out of my masculine energy in relationships (planning dates, initiating calls, over-functioning), I am left with a nagging question…”would he be with me if I hadn’t planned it?” I just can’t live with that anxiety anymore. So, I’m trying something different.

    One of the benefits of being the girl is that I’m taking care of myself. Today, inspired by the other rockstars on this website, I went out and got myself some black suede thigh high boots! :) They make me smile.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:06pm

  518. 518: AngeliqueNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling apprehensive and a little excited because I intend to take the advice to contact the men who gave me their phone numbers. I went back through the emails and have 7 men that gave me their numbers. Here we go – - go through men like water, lean back and use feeling messages. Wish me luck! :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:10pm

  519. 519: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Violet #392:

    From reading your brief post about your current relationship, I sense there is quite a bit damage…and I speak here from my own experience…

    To undo the damage, I asked myself do I choose to continue to be the giver, doer, problem solver, fixer – the equivalent of masculine energy…or do I choose to be the receiver, experience being instead of doing…- equivalent of feminine energy…

    I thought about it…and the answer that felt the best for me… was being the receiver, the feminine energy…

    Rori’s ebook explains beautifully the dos and dont’s about getting in touch with, being, and maintaining the feminine energy…

    As healing occurs within ourselves first, it will expand to the relationship and the flow of energy between masculine and feminine will likely go back and forth between partners…and find its own natural, organic flow…

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:16pm

  520. 520: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @Prairie Girl

    I would love to know how you shed 80 pounds. I need to lose about 30…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:25pm

  521. 521: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    SLV #514:

    Gosh, I feel touched by your compliment and that you find useful my experience and my posts :)

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:36pm

  522. 522: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, I sorta fell off the wagon…

    Haven’t heard from Smooth Cowboy in 2 weeks and was just on the cowboy dating site we met on and saw he was online… it just made me so sad… I’d been feeling so upbeat and good. Positive. Practicing all the things posted here and newsletters recently about my beliefs…

    When I saw him there (my cousin said today that she thought he’d just found someone else) I was so surprised. I clicked the IM button and just said “I miss you… it felt sad to see your name on here just now”… I didn’t get a response but the “norm” for the IM feature on this site is that it sends the message anywhere from a day to 3 weeks later… seriously. He and I used to joke about it when we’d get messages from/to each other and the other guy wasn’t even online…

    Now I am crying over him all over again… WTF? He’s just an old man that needs to ride on…. He WASNT all I want in life… He was dang good, maybe even the best so far, but WTF… I haven’t felt sad over him in a week… I hate this…

    Thank you for being a place I can say this… my friends/family are ready for me to move on and get over him… Probably thinking I blew it with him by sleeping w/him..IDK… *I’M* ready to be over him…

    I just keep thinking about SLV’s fav RR post saying it’s okay to take a man w/you… dream about him/remember the good that made you feel good… but I’m not sure it is.. It’s the good about him that made me feel good that keeps me hooked on him

    Angels on your bodies.
    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:39pm

  523. 523: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel hopeful and inspired reading your “desperate situation” post. Situations are piling on top of each other in my life, my home, my family… some heavy-duty stuff. :( But I feel better reading what you wrote, and I am going to try to do what you are doing.

    Thank you.

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 2:39pm

  524. 524: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, I’m going to just say things to get them out of me….

    I am afraid that no one better than SC will really show up..
    and if he does show up won’t be interested in me…
    well… STAY interested in me…
    Value me…
    Adore me…
    I’m working on adoring me.. I truly do love my time alone w/my kids… I love my life, for the most part…

    I have settled over and over and OVER in the past…

    I can see things about SC that I would be “settling” for…

    I always push away the settling since it’s not deal breaking and focus on the good… make myself settle for the good…

    After what I’m leaning here I look at my recent marriage and can see SO MUCH I did wrong/overfunctioning from the first moments…Settled settled settled!!!!!!

    I don’t want to settle… I will not settle…

    I want to believe that there really is someone I won’t have to settle for and he WILL show up and STAY… I want to believe… I’m working on feeling as though he’s already here…

    But I am afraid he won’t show up/doesn’t exist..

    Thank you for letting me put that down in writing and send it out of me…
    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:12pm

  525. 525: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Me too, PG. <3

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:18pm

  526. 526: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    Question.
    I met a guy online that I really like. We have been chatting, texting, talking, and emailing for the past several weeks. He travels a lot, so we are still working out meeting plans. Which is fine, because I am very slow with meeting people online. Anyway, I LIKE HIM more than the other guys I am circular dating. I just do not pine over him, but he is ON ME & calls me EVERYDAY ALL DAY.
    The question is, how do i handle the sex talk?
    He is sexually aggressive, we are sexually attracted to each other, and he wants me to keep sending him sexy pics…. which i do but I made it clear to him i am not having sex the first date.
    But i dont want to send mixed signals… I “play” along with him at times, but when he gets explicit, i tell him i am not comfortable talking that deeply about sex until later.
    HE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE LOGISTICS OR LIFE. He wants to talk about HOW I LOOK, what i have on and sex. PERIOD. We laugh and talk on the phone, but the main conversation is SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXXXXXXXX!!!!
    He tells me he is into me and wants a relationship but i brush it off because of what he brings up.
    So, anybody have any advice?

    TxPretty.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:44pm

  527. 527: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OMG… the next post for my blog is about energy and my online dating experiences… how my energy level effects my contacts online.. meaning who looks at my profile/blows me kisses/writes me…

    So as I’m crying over SC I get emails letting me know I have 2 kisses from new guys and an email from a guy I talk to pretty regularly but usually by phone or text on the dating site…

    Esplain that? Result of my previously high energy today?

    Oh and since then I got more kisses/liners/email form more guys….

    10 hits on the profile today alone…

    Weirdness I tell ya….

    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:51pm

  528. 528: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @515: Prairie Girl says:
    “…I’ll tell you what I “did” that finally, and easily, lost my 80 lbs… give me an email address I’ll send it to you…”

    Sure, thanks. I just returned home from long walk. Game on!

    I am also thinking I will possibly lose my luscious silky mangoes and have pruney-prune instead… :cry:

    xoxo
    SLV
    ladyvibeblog@gmail.com

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:52pm

  529. 529: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    TxPretty, it sounds like you and he just want different things — he wants primarily a virtual sexual connection and you want a real relationship.

    You’ve told him you don’t feel comfortable with explicit sex talk at this point — great feeling message and boundary — and as long as you stick to that boundary, he will either adjust to it or disappear.

    What do you think?

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 3:58pm

  530. 530: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I have my weightloss stuff written on my blog… I am a good writer but the first, most detailed post about my weight loss is NOT my best writing… it’s WAY too long/wordy.. I was trying to cover everything… I have a later post in which I sort of sum up and seemed to help my friends “get” what it was I did in case they got “lost” in the long wordy post…

    My blog was created to survive a heartbreak and ended up documenting the adventures, life changes, growth & development (both wanted and unwanted lol) that followed, including finding RR. I don’t usually post the address publically though…. It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea…

    If you email me at Tracyeq@gmail.com I’ll send you the link.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:08pm

  531. 531: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OMG SLV I know!!!!
    We must love the raisins… Oooohhhmmmm… The raisins will feel soft and velvety and divine… That’s the story I tell myself every day…

    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:10pm

  532. 532: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I mean pruney prunes… love the prunes…
    lol

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:11pm

  533. 533: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @ 522: Prairie Girl says:
    “…Okay, I sorta fell off the wagon…I just keep thinking about SLV’s fav RR post saying it’s okay to take a man w/you… dream about him/remember the good that made you feel good… but I’m not sure it is.. It’s the good about him that made me feel good that keeps me hooked on him…”

    Hi, PG! I remember you mentioned this before about my favorite post being about “dreaming of guy…” and now, as I did then, I had to go back and carefully re-read the post.

    The reason is, although I like Rori’s post very much, I do not use it the way that you mention.

    I use it as a way to encourage myself to continue seeking my happiness, including moving toward the relationship I want, rather than getting stuck over an unfortunate attachment.

    Rori’s lines about “dreaming over” a guy just did not call out to me in the way that “staying on my horse.” did.

    Cowgirl, you know you gotta stay on your horse! :D

    I now have a guy still on my horse; I might have some sad or mad moments but I am riding on.

    I’ll probably forget about him eventually, or not, but I don’t plan to use any energy “MAKING myself FORGET him.” I’m using my energy on ME!

    Here’s that link again and also the excerpt that most “calls to me.”

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    Rori Raye: (excerpt)

    “…It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you – even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

    And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

    And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

    It just means he’s there. He still lives and breathes.

    It’s not about “reality.” It’s about “energy.”

    And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy – it’s about YOURS.

    The simple truth is – if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him – and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW – something that FEELS GOOD – something that’s MEANINGFUL to you – it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

    So – instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES…”

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:37pm

  534. 534: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl — How do I give you an email address without posting it on the blog?

    Violet –

    I think we all have both, to one extent or another. What Rori’s encouraging is to use feminine energy at certain times and in certain ways that work with men.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:40pm

  535. 535: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @526: TxMsPretty says:
    “… but the main conversation is SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXXXXXXXX!!!!
    He tells me he is into me and wants a relationship but i brush it off because of what he brings up.
    So, anybody have any advice?…”

    You are having phone sex with a stranger, if you “brush off” having a relationship with him, that’s all you have: “PHONE SEX.”

    Advice? Date some other men. Is “phone sex” guy married? Sounds like it. Maybe he’s not but IMHO he’s just out “for fun.”

    Unless he calls and talks to himself you are part of the conversation. You can hang up a phone whenever you please, and block communication with him too.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:48pm

  536. 536: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy,

    Yes. Seems like it to me too. He told me that men are visual-(which i know) and that he likes to have pictures of me. I just cant hang with all the sexual talk. My friend had a long distance relationship for a while and is now married & had to keep sending pictures too. But they are past the phase I am at. We have only chatted for a couple of weeks. Anyway, yes, i told him how i felt, he apologized & tries to soften conversations. I guess he is going to keep trying.
    Then he made a comment about marriages not working because of lack of sex, i told him WE ARE NOT MARRIED!
    So anyway, i know i have to use what i have to keep his attention but anyway—i just love the experience, it is brand new and it is raining MEN in my world!
    When we first started chatting, he got REALLY deep…. and even INVITED his self on our family trip next month… he has it in his calender,,, i dont believe he will come but we will see.
    Anyway, thanks LUCY so much!

    any other advice or suggestions would help. I would really like to hear from someone who is dating long distance successfully.
    I am only giving 3-6 months for exclusitivty. Anyone i date long distance and we get serious within 3 months, i plan on talking moving & marriage. I am not trying to be a pen pal buddy! thanks guys!

    Tx Pretty

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:50pm

  537. 537: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @534: Lisi says:
    “…Prairie Girl — How do I give you an email address without posting it on the blog?…”

    Online email accounts are easy, get a new one for confidential messages online and post that one.

    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:52pm

  538. 538: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    SLV I LOVE that part too…. It’s just that when a guy pops into my head and I remember the good it’s the fear that I’ll never have those good things again… I don’t even bother w/the bad things…What I’m learning from what’s coming up in me (I believe so that I can recognize and heal) is my fear that I won’t have another man as good….That will STAY..

    I’m staying on my horse… I’m focusing on where I WANT to go/be…I’m working on my beliefs… recognizing and letting go of the negative and bringing back the good into focus…

    ANgels on your body
    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:53pm

  539. 539: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @SeniorLadyVibe

    WOW! thank You! That was a EYE OPENER! “if you blow off relationship, all you talk about is sex, then its phone sex”

    That was definitely an eye opener.

    No, he is not married. Yes, I am going to continue to just date others…. and lean back on him.

    Thanks guys!

    :)))

    TXPretty

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:54pm

  540. 540: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @531: Prairie Girl says:
    “…We must love the raisins… Oooohhhmmmm… The raisins will feel soft and velvety and divine…”

    Oh, no. Not raisins, entirely too small. At least prunes… oh, I don’t want two pruney prunes either. I’ll have to get some of tinque’s elixir. :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 4:57pm

  541. 541: LuzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I really like this guy…D aka phone guy..:) I feel desired, treated nice, respected ahh :) i have not been getting so much attention from a man in soooo long. This time I feel good about it.

    He took a day off from work to spend all day with me since I have no work that day; he may spend super bowl with me (though it has not been confirmed yet). we talk every day… I am showered by his attention and I don’t feel smothered.

    He just told me ” I really like you, I spend all day thinking about you. What are you doing to me ?” ;)
    I am not doing anything, not controlling anything just letting things be. This will be an experience wherever it takes me,

    I am jut enjoying every moment of it…I am enjoying this present. :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 5:19pm

  542. 542: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    TxPretty, how far away does he live?

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 5:34pm

  543. 543: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @ Luzydel,

    I am happy to say I am right there with you. And just a couple weeks ago I was sad that a guy I really like seemed to go poof, then another one popped up. He is totally not my type physically, but he is emotionally mature, smart, treats me right, really likes me. We havn’t been intimiate yet but he is really sensual….talks about a future…I like it….

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 5:35pm

  544. 544: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @538: Prairie Girl says:
    ” …SLV I LOVE that part too…. It’s just that when a guy pops into my head and I remember the good it’s the fear that I’ll never have those good things again…”

    I found this quote at EMK’s blog last week. It’s short and sweet (bittersweet?) and it tells story:

    “…Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is.
    …He was willing to let you go.”

    ~Evan Marc Katz

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-to-get-over-the-last-man-who-broke-your-heart/

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 5:44pm

  545. 545: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    SummerBaby and SLV

    References to escaping slaves sent me back to my childhood.
    I lived 6 years in Senegal.
    Been in Gorée Island.
    http://webworld.unesco.org/real_media/goree_en.ram
    The link is safe, it is from UNESCO, it downloads to your computer a video tour of the Gorée slaves house

    xxx

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 5:46pm

  546. 546: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i just got my haircut – today and the next 2 days are good to cut to strengthen hair – according to the mooon

    my mom blunt snipped my ends in sections for 2 hours

    i feel loved!

    my hair looks long and healthy !

    i feel rejuvenated and energetic :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 5:57pm

  547. 547: bf n old bfNo Gravatar says:

    Not sure where to post this message-
    BACKGROUND
    Dating a guy for 7 months- and he’s happy that we are just dating each other- but as Rori said have coffee and lunch etc with other guys,until he proposes- (which last week I asked if we are leading toward something and growing closer) and he said he didn’t want to talk about it since I’m about to be on my period and that I would take it the wrong way-
    SOOOO
    the love of my life facebooked me and we spoke on the phone and he didn’t know I had gotten divorced and said- why didn’t you tell me- Well long story short he came over to my house for about an hour- and I wanted to see if there was any chemistry there- so I kissed him- and it was ok- but since we have known each other for soo long- I was 17 now 53- I wanted to do more- and did something for him (but I kept my clothes on)
    He said that we would see where this leads and we were off to a good start-
    and he left-
    SOOOO
    I guess I’m doing this ok?
    I mean I’m “dating” J. and B is my first love- so do I tell J about B….? or wait til B calls and starts wanting to see me?
    By the way B says he has lived alone for a long time and is used to it- and I have a son! so it would have to be pretty special between us for him to commit

    I just never expected this but always dreamed of it- for B to come back- (we had seen each other right up til I got married over 18 years ago) on and off- but he was never able to commit then

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:01pm

  548. 548: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @LonePlum

    Very interesting. Thanks for bring more good things.

    I wasn’t able to properly view the video. I opened it in a couple different players but video quality was poor and I could not find an audio track.

    There are some still photos and text on the site so I will go there and take a look.

    Were you able to view the video?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:12pm

  549. 549: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @547: bf n old bf says:
    “..I guess I’m doing this ok?…”

    Are you happy with everything?

    xoxo
    SLV

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:18pm

  550. 550: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy-He is on the westcoast! FARRRR!!! Im down south! :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:28pm

  551. 551: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    TxMsPretty:

    Hmm…It feels icky to me :( Sounds like a perv…:(

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:35pm

  552. 552: bf n old bfNo Gravatar says:

    I AM! Having my first love and the love of my life back is a dream come true- I can actually relax and if he doesn’t call- I have my new guy- that I totally do love and he is a good person- with chemistry-

    I do eventually want to get re- married- but if neither guy wants to-
    what am I doing wrong!?
    the new says I’m his girlfriend in an exclusive committed relationship (but just last week- I asked if we are growing closer and leading toward something and he said we would talk next week when Im not on my period so I wouldn’t take it wrong– ?? how can you take that wrong!??
    that’s why I was happy to pursue the love of my life-
    and see if there is anything still there-

    hmmm seems like it!
    any adivse?! or help is apprecitated!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 6:39pm

  553. 553: LisiNo Gravatar says:

    TxMsPretty –

    Here’s what I have gleaned from talking to guys about online dating.

    If they ask you for sexy pics: say no.
    If they start to get sexual via phone or text: say no, or change the subject.

    If you give them any of that before they meet you, they expect that you’ll do that for any guy you don’t know, mark you as “easy” in their book, and never take you seriously.

    They respect boundaries. They respect when you tell them no. But they still ask.

    Messed up. I know. But that’s the way it is.

    I have a 90 days no sex rule. If a guy can’t hang around and spend time with me for 90 days before I take my clothes off — he wasn’t long-term potential anyway.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:07pm

  554. 554: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    TxPretty, oh, that IS far!

    I understand how much fun something like that can be, and how good it can feel.

    He might not have any intentions of actually meeting you. :( Are you okay with that?

    Do you feel good connecting this way with NO expectations of anything else happening?

    Remember, you get to choose — he’s just doing what he wants to do, and you get to do what you want to do too.

    The other thing that crossed my mind… I would feel concerned about sending racy pics to someone if I didn’t really know their character — I would feel afraid that they might pass the pics around to other people or even post them online.

    <3
    Lucy

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:15pm

  555. 555: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Just got home from my first CD date…other than the guy I had been seeing exclusively for 7 months.

    What I learned from this “messenger” -
    I want a man that won’t be mistaken for my dad
    I want a man who can talk about more than money
    I want a man who is not racist

    I also learned that it is hard to speak in FMs in person…it’s so much easier via e-mail. And, I learned that when I am uncomfortable, I lean forward, to try and get them to go away.

    I feel honored that he drove 2 hours to see me and was a gentleman, but I need more than that. I won’t be seeing him again.

    It feels good to not be bought into the outcome…Now, I’m missing P and how easy it is to be with him. Blah. Leaning back with that one….

    Pam

    P.S. Now that I have my laptop back, I need to scroll back threw the posts and watch all the videos…thanks for posting them!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 7:48pm

  556. 556: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    whew…

    At work last night bungee man showed up (term stolen from somewhere on this blog! ;-) ). Today, two more bungee men showed up. One outright asked me to move in with him and/or consider a life with him. How do you say in feeling messages?, “I feel bile well up in my throat when you say that. I feel myself becoming ill at the idea of being linked to you emotionally, spiritually, fiscally, and physically.”

    I was actually surprised at the physical sensations in my body – in terms of feeling ill just talking to him. So there they are lining up, and Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold did not text me good night for the first time since we started texting…. that feels strange.

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:10pm

  557. 557: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Pamalam,

    So you had a date with a racist man who is old enough to be your father and only talked about money? I’m guessing this was someone you met online that was a disappointment in person?

    I feel bad that you had a bad experience. Keep CDing other guys until you hear all of the messages…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:11pm

  558. 558: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    OH MY!

    I just got a call from a man I dated 12 years ago! He was going through a divorce back then, and I dated him his entire separation, which was over a year. I was absolutely nuts about him, and completely devastated when he and his wife decided to give it another chance 2 weeks before their divorce was to be final. They had never had children and thought maybe if they had a baby, it might save their marriage. They did have a baby and got divorced anyway a few years after that. It took me quite awhile to get over him. Imagine my surprise to get a call from him 11 years later out of the blue. He said that he’d seen me getting into my car after work where he was pulling into the same parking lot. He said seeing me made him stop breathing! He asked to see me this week, so I agreed to give him one of my free nights. I don’t really feel anything for him anymore, but man do I feel curious as to what the message could be for me with this one!!!! WOW, I feel completely surprised!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:20pm

  559. 559: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    SLV 548

    Yes, I read the video with Real Player, the sound was good.
    I am glad you could read the pictures comment on the site, though.
    I was googling to find you a good tour video in English, and I am soooo shocked, there is almost nothing about Gorée! Everything I found was in french. I can’t believe this!
    It is a world patrimony.
    May be if you google with your American IP you’ll get different results?

    xxx

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:21pm

  560. 560: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    feels weird hearing from an ex right after hooking up with another ex I hadn’t seen in a year and a half just 2 days ago!!!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:22pm

  561. 561: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Lori,

    Yes, that just about sums it up. He is actually 8 years younger than my dad would have been, but 2 years older than my dad was when he died. I couldn’t quite get passed that. I look about 10 years younger than I am (in fact, I’ve been repeatedly mistaken for my son’s girlfriend…he’s 23) and this CD definitely looked all of his 61 years. It felt awkward.

    I feel proud of myself for trying something new, but it didn’t go well. I felt like a goddess in my new dating outfit and appreciated the second glances from several men in the restaurant. I usually feel less than desireable because of my weight, but I felt beautiful tonight.

    Yay for progress! I feel a sense of empowerment from my interactions with you women here. You all inspire me!! Thanks so muchfor your openness and vulnerability in helping others to grow.

    On another note, I met a friend for coffee before my date. I explained my new outlook on dating and she was skeptical and looked at me like I was nuts. She seemed disappointed…I’m not sure what that was all about. It was a downer, but I’m glad I was able to brush it off and just be myself tonight.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:22pm

  562. 562: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    wow Lori, that’s one long (11 year) bungee!

    summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:24pm

  563. 563: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Lori…when it rains it pours! The whole returning exs thing fascinates me. A few years ago, I did a “breaking of soul ties” ritual to rid myself of leftover spiritual connections to my exs and within a month, they all contacted me! I think they experienced something in their own spirit as a result of the ritual…something missing that they needed to get back. Like I said, fascinating.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:25pm

  564. 564: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Pamalam,

    That is a huge age difference. I would’ve felt weird about that too. I’ve tried dating much younger or older men in the past, but find I prefer there to be less than 10 years difference…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:26pm

  565. 565: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    LonePlum,

    I, too, would like to thank you and tell you that I appreciate your posts. I was not able to view the video, but I will google the reference in the morning and see what I can find.

    summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:27pm

  566. 566: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby,

    yes it is. I felt so empoweredafter seeing my ex the other night, having a great time and not having expectations for any outcome, so maybe this is a test with another ex who really broke my heart…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:28pm

  567. 567: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    so what happens if you don’t want the exes to come back? can you cut the bungee?

    any help? I have tried setting boundaries, saying no, asking them to go away, telling them I’m no longer interested, etc. some of them will not go away and stay gone. are they back as a messenger?

    how should I respond/react?

    Summerbaby

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:32pm

  568. 568: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yeah and another ex from 20 years ago found me on Facebook just the other day! WTF is going on here???

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:33pm

  569. 569: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby,

    I was just wondering those same things. Not sure what to do about the exes coming back….

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:35pm

  570. 570: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Pamalam #562:

    I feel happy to read your observations about yourself during the date…you noticed, u connected with yourself…u received… :) That’s awesome…

    The vibe is the key…:)

    About u friend…hmm…I experience the same thing with a few of them…lol…Initially, I was enthusiastic to share about my discovery…I felt awful after…

    I stopped talking about it to EVERYONE…when the results show for themselves, they will reach out for sure…

    I now treat everyone the same way I would treat a possible date…I don’t call, I don’t initiate, I don’t share…However, I make sure I remain open to all of them (friends or not) and express myself using feminine messages…

    Warm hugs,

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:35pm

  571. 571: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I am looking at it as a healing thing. They are all exes who dumped ME, so of course I wondered what was wrong with ME that they didn’t want me anymore. Well, I guess if they came back, it wasn’t really me then was it? I can take comfort in the fact that there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me that caused them to leave me…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:37pm

  572. 572: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Darling Ella – I’m going to give that leaning back for everyone a shot. Sometimes our messages to our friends need to be shown rather than told.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:40pm

  573. 573: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    #544 SLV “I found this quote at EMK’s blog last week. It’s short and sweet (bittersweet?) and it tells story:

    “…Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is.
    …He was willing to let you go.”
    ~Evan Marc Katz”

    See that statement hits right smack dab in my NEG beliefs/fears that I’m working on…

    I’m afraid that no man I think is great will think I’m great enough to be “worth” the effort….

    Plenty of men in my past that I wasn’t into seemed to think I was worth effort, but not the ones I liked… and who’s to say that if I started liking the ones that liked me they would keep liking me…

    It makes sense w/ the energy/chasing/leaning forward stuff. The belief I’m working on is that someone I fall for -without leaning forward will fall for me and STAY…

    So at this point when I hear that he was not so smart/hot cause he didn’t recognize my worth I then hear NV saying he was just like all the rest and that no man will see my worth…not really… not if they live w/me day in and day out… I won’t be worth the effort… Dang nasty voices…

    I will say that at this particular moment they are weak!!!!!! They are just a muttering and not able to bring me down just bump my flight a bit….

    Progress.

    xoxo
    PG

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:41pm

  574. 574: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @Lucy! Yes, I am fine with whatever happens. I was just uncomfortable with the sex talk. He has definitely toned it down.

    As far as the photos that I send to him, they are “sexy” looking & feeling. They are not nude, lingerie or anything like that. They are just Sexy…. of course he asks for MORE but i tell him no. So, Im not concerned with any photos being leaked.

    Men come & go and I am feeling each one out. He is definitely my “favorite” of the month! LOL!!!

    I get turned off guys don’t start moving forward.

    Thanks SOOOOOOOOOO much guys!!!!

    :)))

    TxPrettyPink

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:43pm

  575. 575: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    EX’s that try to come back or start something is a HUUUUGE turn off for me!!!!

    There was a ex I dated over 15 years ago, now married and found my facebook business page. Come to find out, his current wife and i were FB friends. Anyway, he emailed me (without) befriending me on FB, and tried to start conversation. It was EXTREMELY gross. I felt the conversation gearing more towards “us”. Of course, thats why we didnt last-he is a compluslive CHEATER.

    I was dumped 2 years ago. Same situation as Lori. I think I would barf if he ever tried to come back. It took me A YEAR to get over him , literally. All I would do is say “I told U so”.

    If your good, they ALWAYS come back.

    Have a good night GUYS! :)

    TxPrettyPink

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:49pm

  576. 576: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    I am so tired of hearing “you’re the one that got away…if only I could go back and do it all again.” Really?! Hoping, hoping, hoping that someday “the right one” will really see me and decide to stay instead of bungee after it’s too late.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:53pm

  577. 577: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    TXMSPRETTY,

    In my experience, the exes ALWAYS come back at some point in some way. Usually when you’re going through a major breakthrough in healing. I get the “ew gross” feelings too sometimes, but I try to look at them as messengers or tests. It usually turns out to be a positive thing-for me anyway, though not usually for them!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:53pm

  578. 578: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Pamalam,

    AMEN! I have heard that my entire life, and it gets old. I believe the guy that’s right for me is the one who will appreciate me WHEN HE HAS ME, not after he let me go!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:55pm

  579. 579: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @Pamalam Leaning back is the hardest yet best thing you could ever do. It works like a charm EVERYTIME!

    Anytime that I feel anxious or start worrying why “my favorite” hasnt called-I just lean back and focus on something else. I even start calling the other guys in my circle that I dont even like, just to get my attention off the “favorite”. IT WORKS!

    Code: “Favorite” is the one that u like the most. But circular date other guys. I keep 3 on rotation MIN. !!!!

    I think I have about 6 right now & adding more when I log into the dating website. I have emails waiting for me. :0))

    SO FUN! :))))

    TxPrettyPink

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 8:57pm

  580. 580: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    TxMsPretty 526

    Take care of yourself, please. He is a stranger.
    He might forward the pictures to his friends. They compare like kids compare their pictures of base ball players.
    Besides, ex lovers can turn into bullies after a break up. The sexy pics and videos end up on Internet!

    Another point is he is supposed to phone you to get to know you. The phone call should be about you, not about his sexual needs. Then he is supposed to come up with plans to meet. You are not supposed to ask him.

    You noticed he is not interested in speaking of logistic, that might be a sign he does not want you as part of his real life. You might be part of his fun time, that he takes on the phone, to help him relax from his real life.
    I feel curious to know if you ever phoned him on his home land line?

    xxx

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:01pm

  581. 581: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Alrighty ladies, here’s a question for y’all.

    So, I am friends with two differnet women on FB who are friends with a man (I think he’s their doctor) who appears to be my age. Occassionally, this man and I get into some very interesting spiritual and philosophical discussions, even delving into the realm of relationships. He has been very encouraging to me and said that I should write a book…repeatedly. So, we just posted again, tonight, on a mutual friend’s status and I was thinking, “This guy and I should get together.” He is single (widowed) and lives in my town.

    K, advice needed….should I just lean back and hope he takes notice? Would it be too forward leaning to ask a mutual friend if he’s dating and ask for a ‘plug’? I think he and I would be a good match…ideas?

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:08pm

  582. 582: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby 565

    http://webworld.unesco.org/goree/

    xxx

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:22pm

  583. 583: DebNo Gravatar says:

    Prairie Girl~

    Thanks for sharing your process dealing with your Smooth Cowboy. I feel sad to see your sadness, but I’m encouraged to see some healthy anger come up in your following posts. That’s good! You’re working your way up the emotional scale here!

    I think you are doing great and that you can be forgiving to yourself. Please wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big ((hug)) – I know that sounds cheesy but it feels really good :)

    Let’s take a look here… just by naming him “smooth” what are you subconsciously saying about him? What did your intuition tell you about this dude?

    How did it feel to lean forward and send the IM? Was there perhaps an expectation of an answer there? (I’m not trying to make you wrong here – just exploring why we do things) After learning from RR, I’ve stopped initiating any contact with men, unless I’m in super Rockstar Goddess mode and have zero expectation of a response. I just realized that I can’t stand the torture of waiting or wondering what he is thinking.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:43pm

  584. 584: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @LonePlum Yes. He has phoned me from his Landline Home phone, and I have both of his cell phone numbers. Yes, he have talked about “real” life issues, what we both want and looking for etc, except lately—he has been making sex comments which make me uncomfortable.

    Im over the situation now. I spoke to him about it, i am completely turned off and i think he can feel my vibe because he is blowing my phone up. Im pretty much over it.

    I have moved on from this situation.

    Thanks guys! :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:49pm

  585. 585: DebNo Gravatar says:

    Daria~

    Thank you, I’m glad I waited to send it… I don’t think I will now.

    I still feel really uneasy though. Part of me wants him to know that I’m not talking to him because I don’t want to reward his bad behavior, not because I hate him or never liked him.

    I feel so cold and icey :( I’m not used to this, I don’t think I’ve ever cut someone off like this before…

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:49pm

  586. 586: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Hello beautiful sirens…. Wow, I have spent the past hour trying to catch up with all the new posts.., sooo much to learn!!!
    anyway, here is something i wanted to share with you and that happened just because of the awareness you have awaken in me (and for which I’m incredibly thankful!!!)
    so,
    1- I am not supposed to give C a speech unless I feel it’s necessary and this has to be done through FMs – well, I took time for myself, decided that after all, seen what the situation is, and the outcome I have in mind, it is not worth to get into an argument when I am well detached from the outcome, it’s a lot more fun for the moment to just enjoy the situation and every moment as it comes… So…
    2- I am supposed to lean back – i have started to do that “big time” and OMG, C has started a major pursuit! The fun thing is that what you said it’s so true! You can’t fake it! If you pretend to be detached men smell the lie and it will backfire, but if you really are busy and having tons of fun it’s so natural that they can’t help but notice and fear it
    3- in response to my change C called me 5 times yesterday (3 of which I ignored!) and invited me to a conference that pertains to my job today (aawww…)
    4- when he tried to make last minute plans for tonight i told him that I was busy (you guys should have seen his face!) because i had arranged to go out on a meeting arranged by a networking company where you meet people… I ended up meeting 4 lovely girls, being admired by 6 different men, and getting invited for a date tomorrow to go ice-skating with this “oh-so-gorgeous” Israeli guy who spent the evening eyeing me from the other side of the lounge till when my laying back really worked!
    5- C just sent me a goodnight message!!!! NEVER had he done something like that before!!! I answered telling him I was still out having brilliant time and not mentioning any arrangement for tomorrow…

    I am in shock at what i managed to achieve thanks to your help in just a few days, my whole attitude has been turned around, I see in a much clearer way and feel a strength that I didn’t know i had!

    What a night!!! :-)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:53pm

  587. 587: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @pamalam I would not suggest initiating anything. On FB, U both are commenting on the same page, he has access to you-he could shoot you a quick email.

    Are you being inviting and flirtatious in your posts? Like leaving a smiley face after your comments?

    Do you go to his pics and “like” a pic? Thats subtle and inviting. Like a comment.

    Are you available on instant messenger?

    Your pretty much available for him to make contact with you. Let him. If he doesnt, thats ok too.

    With internet sites, the key is too keep uploading fresh smiley recent cute pictures of yourself. The men will take notice.

    Have fun!

    TXPrettyPink

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:55pm

  588. 588: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks TXMsPretty….interestingly enough, he just sent me a friend request….must be some sort of energy thing. He hasn’t sent a message or IM’d me, but I’m just gonna be chill about it. I feel appreciative of your feedback!!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 9:59pm

  589. 589: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @LittleDoc WOW!!! CONGRATS!!!! Good for you and I LOVE YOUR ENERGY!!!! I bet all the other guys do too!!!
    Men love happy women that have lives!!!!! GO GET EM!

    :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:00pm

  590. 590: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    @pamalam THAT IS GOOD!!!!!! Yes!!!!!! He is now on pursuit! yayyyyyy!!! :)

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:02pm

  591. 591: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #589
    TXMsPretty – Thank you!!!
    I love your story too, so intriguing!!! how cool that he sent you a friend request… Of course, it’s not like a siren crosses your path every day right?!? ;-)
    Please let us know how it goes…
    :-D

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:05pm

  592. 592: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry, the 2nd part of the message was meant for Pamalam… Lol!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:06pm

  593. 593: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    Remember, Men love Happy Women.

    A man cannot pursue you, if you are pursuing him.

    Always think positive! What you believe is what you get.

    Take care of yourself. And remember, the stranger you meet tomorrow might be your HUSBAND!!!

    Nite guys!!!! :)

    TXPrettyPink

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:08pm

  594. 594: TxMsPrettyNo Gravatar says:

    One more thing guys! Dont give the guys all the POWER!
    Men are JUST AS insecure and can be as WE ARE. Men are like kids sometimes. Some guys have absolutely NO IDEA how to date!!!!!

    If u like the guy, and he is successful and he is CHASING you, you can calmly, nicely show and teach them how to treat you. Some men JUST DO NOT KNOW.

    Men are different from us. Sometimes they treat women like they treat their business.

    Nicely tell them what u like and do not like without emotion. Be emotional when necessary but men like CALM.

    Im sleepy! Night guys!!!

    xoxoxoxoxo

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:12pm

  595. 595: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    Night TXMsPretty!

    Thanks for the extra words of wisdom…
    Off to bed as well..

    Night girls…

    LD x

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:18pm

  596. 596: DebNo Gravatar says:

    **I’m kinda journaling here to get thoughts outta my head, so thanks for the space, but of course comments are welcome too!**

    So things with ShimSham have cooled off considerably since New Year’s. He and Shag talked and he realized how much Shag was into me so he says that he was giving “space” for us… I wonder what Shag told him… I know guys are really loyal to each other, and I like that about men, but it makes this whole thing seem like a lost cause.

    I feel frustrated with ShimSham (and I tell him so) because he always brings up this amazing powerful moment of energy exchange between us and he calls me “yingyang” and says how he felt like he went “inside” of me (figuratively)… He says that it scared him though. I tell him I love hearing that because it was special for me too, but I feel frustrated because obviously whatever it was was not enough for him to get over that fear and want to be with only me.

    Anyway, I’ve let go and I think its best for me to just keep moving forward, stay on my bridge, and to say no to what I don’t want so that I can make room for what DO want… in other words, its best to forget both of these dudes… arg – hard being in the same social circle though! Well I’m starting to hang out more with a different group now anyway.

    ShimSham was really helpful the other day on the phone in clearing up a misunderstanding. I was upset because Shag had implied in a message that I had “spread my legs” with ShimSham and I didn’t, so after he texted me to say hi and see how I am, I said that I felt weird and asked if he told Shag I was sleeping with him. Anyway, as he is very honest he told me exactly what he did and didn’t say. Ok, so that was cleared up…

    So ShimSham texted me today (he is away on a trip with a guy friend for their 40th bdays) and after we exchanged pleasantries I said:

    “look… I feel bad saying this, but i have to get it off my chest. This while situation is making me uncomfortable. i’m not on good terms w/ Shag yet and i don’t want things to get even more sticky… i like you too much to be “friends” like this, so i have to keep moving on now, towards what i really want. Do u see what i mean?”

    I intended for this to be a “no friends” speech. Meaning, I don’t want to be your casual friend, because that sucks.

    So he responds: “Sorry to hear about Shag, and we can talk more when I am back in town. Still on my odyssey!”

    I just said “ok, thanks, and have fun!”

    And then later on I get a fb invite to his SuperBowl party. ugh! Ok, I think this is exactly the opportunity I need to stick to my boundaries. It sucks because I really wanted to go to a SB party, and lots of my friends from dancing will be there, but I am not interested in him as a friend! I mean, yeah he would be a great friend, but I don’t want to see him around other girls who are interested in him or who he might be dating!

    Arg! It’s going to be hard for me to say no to this, but it must be what I have to do… I can’t believe that I just told him I don’t want to be friends and he invites me to friends thing! I don’t want to go unless I’m there as his primary romantic interest. Hell I have a CD for Sunday anyway.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:28pm

  597. 597: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi! Ryan called me tonight! I feel happy! I was at a dinner party at a friend’s house and left my phone in the car. So I called him back at 11 pm when I got outside, and left him a message back.

    It’s been a busy few days. I miss chatting here.

    Nighty-night!

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 10:54pm

  598. 598: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay! Securityman wants to marry me.

    Ironic that I called him security – was it cuz I felt secure? – and now he’s – thru text – pushing for a child .. And I Want security which I have expressed.

    I feel insecure that he may not want to wait or use contraception…

    Well see. I don’t want to feel pressured.

    Friday, 4 February 2011 @ 11:49pm

  599. 599: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Im getting used to typing up here :)

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:53am

  600. 600: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont spend so much time up here. I didnt have an official date with this guy that ive known for 8 yrs. or so , we started chatting online and i made to go out by myself and feeling doubt about what I was wearing out, then HE pops up online and says hi, I say hi, he asks what im doing, i tell him, I was waiting for a friend to show up onlineso i can tell her what im wearing and waiting for approval from her,hesays to run it by him and I do. He says oh and dont forget the to apply very light red lipstick lol so i do . I went out thinking i look pretty hot :) he shows up where im at and said he just wanted to see what i looked like because he was getting a visual and wanted to see in person.
    we talk at the bar for the rest of the night, i know mostly everyone there or at least ive become a “regular|” there I hate that. so we take off together, of course everyone seeing us leave together. we get coffee and call a taxi, the taxi driver knows him every well. small town does that. anyway, we got to his place for a while, I didnt feel comfortable there, we end up calling the same cab driver back to my place, blah. We didnt have sex but made out and stuff, that was ok, he wanted to sleep here for awhile, i remembered the rule so I said no , and said to him to sleep at home, no coffee no nothing, same cab driver picks him up to go home. anyway he does have a family, he doenst live in the same house with his wife, they are working on their relationship , so he is staying at the house with his mother. he still loves her as far as he tells me, lol. I was like oh yeah. he said he always liked me and wanted to know what it would feel like holding me and kissing , sex all that. I worked with him on an important issue back then, we never spoke after that. just a passing hi once in a mall. then he added me as a friend and started confessing his feelings or whatever. im not into him at all :) why did i go there, and no im not beating myself up over it.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:18am

  601. 601: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    He was going out with his “wife and kids” later that day to a skating fundraiser, for hot chocolate and stuff lol. He is going to fall asleep on the ice, for sure. I havnt heard from him, I dont think I want to do that again, as far as the experiment goes, i dont like being tongued to death in my mouth with a guy that drank a few beers blah,, nasty. I feel safe that he is working on his relationship with his wife, and I am working onmy experiments with men.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:26am

  602. 602: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Egghshell man called me the other day, and asked if I was still angry, uh yeah. He called to tellme that he was going skidooing with mooseman, whaaaaaaaaaaa? I said to him why are you going with him, and i also told him that mooseman had asked me to go with him on a weekend trip , which i decided against doing an;yway DRAMA. Eggshell man wants to be friends i told him, i cant be friends with him , our last meeting was still fresh in my head.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:38am

  603. 603: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Darling Ella #519: :

    Darling Ella, I feel as though I’ve had to use masculine energy to get things done.

    I like my strong personality and independence. I feel that this intimidates men, however, it sends a signal for them not to play ‘head games’ with me.

    I feel very vulnerable in using feminine energy. Like, I’m trying to be something I’m not just to attract men. For me, it’s like if men can’t step up to the plate’, then they aren’t going to be someone I would respect.

    There have been only a handful of men that have been able to deal with that strong personality. I feel like I’ve been able to be myself and not have some idiot try to change that.

    The long term relationships that I’ve enjoyed have been with one man who had feminine energy around me, then masculine energy to get things done.

    Then, there was one who initially liked my independent nature, but tried to change that by being emotionally, verbally, mentally abusive.

    There were two others that I considered my equal. They both had masculine energy, yet were also laid back. They enjoyed my being equal with them.

    This is the type of relationship that I like best. I feel like I don’t have to turn myself upside down and backwards just to please someone else.

    They enjoyed my assertiveness and didn’t want that to change in me. It’s like they also wanted someone who wouldn’t put up with their bologne and say things straight up.

    That is the crux of who I am. I am extremely straight forward and honest. I like being who I am. I’m a nice lady and love interacting with people. I enjoy using humor to see them smile. I want them to know they are special and someone in my eyes.

    Life is too short to worry about what every iota person thinks about me. I do care, however, it’s not going to make the world stop revolving on its’ axis if they don’t like me.

    I try to treat each person how I would want to be treated. ‘If’ they act negative and/or intentionally ignorant, I don’t change. I simply stand my ground because I know I’m not going to change to please them. It’s not going to change how they choose to be, anyway.

    So there you have it. I’ve come to a point in my life where I’d rather be alone than compromise my true nature. Once I accepted that; there seemed to be men coming out of the woodwork.

    It’s like they went out of their way trying to get me to be with them. One man hardly knew me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. Another one asked me if I was going to show up for a dance he would be at.

    This man I’m seeing almost always says, “if you want”. I know deep down inside that he’s over the moon for me. He’s not ready to say how he feels. There have been one too many women that were the complete opposite of me and their relationship failed. He thinks I’m too good to be true.

    I used the lean back technique even before I read about it. I come right out and say what I want. I know I might not get what I want and accept that as well. I feel and know that I don’t ‘need’ a man to give me what I want. I give it to myself.

    I believe men sense when a woman is in charge of themselves.

    I think to myself… Okay, I’m with someone and want to see where things go. I don’t want to CD. That is my option. ‘IF’ things go south with this man, then it isn’t meant to be. Like I said, I’m not going to turn myself upside down and backwards just to keep him. That would most likely have the opposite effect, anyway.

    Well… enough of my philisophical comments.

    Thank you for constructive comments, ideas, techniques, etc.. for being a woman who has empowerment.

    ~ Violet ~

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:59am

  604. 604: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Violet,

    you sound like me or maybe I sound like you. I have had men tell me to my face that I am intimidating. In my case though, I’m feeling as though I’ve stuffed my feelings for years and not allowed myself to actually feel them.

    I sometimes think that it’s because I lost my father when I was very young. The absence of the male energy made my mother assume both roles and it likely skewed my sense of balance of how to be.

    I totally get the vulnerability aspect. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I am totally out of my comfort zone. It feels like this is the right direction for me though, that I need to get back in touch with my feelings and really feel them.

    I feel like when I come up against things that are out of my comfort zone, I’m closer to growth so I am trying to process through it.

    Summerbaby

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:38am

  605. 605: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @561: Pamalam says:

    “..He is actually 8 years younger than my dad would have been, but 2 years older than my dad was when he died….and this CD definitely looked all of his 61 years. It felt awkward…”

    I’ve noticed that a 61-year old guy will seek a 40-year old but refuse to date a 63-year old woman. If you ever saw the EMK spot on the morning TV show you have seen how the TV show male hosts made fun of dating older women. It just slipped out. :shock:

    “… I usually feel less than desireable because of my weight, but I felt beautiful tonight…”

    I’m starting body program too. Good luck to you.

    “…I explained my new outlook on dating and she was skeptical and looked at me like I was nuts…”

    What words do you use to explain your “new outlook on dating?”

    Everyone is different but IMHO I plan to stay in social circulation, meeting and getting to know new people, until I am in a lasting relationship.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:42am

  606. 606: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @559: LonePlum says:
    “…Yes, I read the video with Real Player, the sound was good….”

    Hmmm, I don’t know what happened. I was very eager to view the video. I used both VLC and Real Player players and had same results in each, very blurry pic and no sound.

    I’m going out for coffee now but when I return, I’ll look around on Internet and see what else I can find.

    If you have an interest in such things, you might like to see:

    http://www.lawrencehill.com

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:49am

  607. 607: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    I am noticing a new trend with guys and me. They are emailing me love songs. I’m not interested in the guys, but the music is pretty good! lol

    Summerbaby

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:55am

  608. 608: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    SummerBaby,

    I’ve felt in touch with my emotions and rely on instincts as a guide. It is extremely rare that my instincts are wrong.

    I accept and enjoy my emotions. I feel like I’m on the right track in expressing emotions in a positive and healthy way.

    There has been ONE time when I allowed a man to have power over me. I pretty much lost my identity by doing this.

    By allowing the emotional, verbal, psychological abuse to have importance, I had accepted the sense of worthlessness.

    Now, I think to myself. Would the price of allowing this be worth the effects it would have!?

    I say, “NO!” I now know that there wouldn’t have been any way of pleasing this person. He fed off of making me feel ‘under his thumb’ and authoritarianism.

    I know for a fact that I don’t want this to happen again! That is one reason why I have no problem saying what I want/need to say. I know that I have importance.

    Everything and everyone has a purpose. I have my purpose. There is no reason on God’s green earth that my purpose is less valuable than anyone elses’.

    I know this now and live it to the best of my ability.

    So, on I go. Being my spunky, independent, straightforward, honest, assertive, witty, intelligent, creative, etc… (all that and a bag of chips)

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 5:12am

  609. 609: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Violet,

    for too many years I placed all the importance on other people’s feelings. I finally asked myself the question, “what about MY feelings?”

    Since then I am placing more value on caring for myself. i’m a work in progress, but I make advances all the time. You do sound like all that and a bag of chips ;-)

    I am honored to read what you’ve shared.

    Summerbaby

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 5:24am

  610. 610: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    One of the reasons I left OKCupid was all of the 60+ men on there hitting on me who put 35-45 as their age range of what they were looking for. I felt curious and asked a few of them why they didn’t date women their own age. Some of them said that women their own age often didn’t care for themselves physically anymore or didn’t want to still go out and do things and enjoy life. But what really surprised me is how many of them said they wouldn’t even date someone like Raquel Welch or Cher who IMO are more drop dead gorgeous than most women half their ages simply because they were over 60, which shows me it’s not a physical attractiveness thing but some other aversion to age. I feel like it’s their own insecurity about getting older.

    A couple of these men said they liked feeling they could still “mold” or “train” the women, which I felt was ridiculous since they were looking at 40 year old women, not 18 year olds. I seriously doubt a 65 year old man would get very far in trying to “mold” or “train” me LMAO!

    One man told me very specifically that women in their 40s “taste” better to him than either younger women or older women! I don’t know if this was a sick line or he really believed that, but EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

    IMHO, you’re better off without any of these creepos being interested in dating someone your age!!!!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 6:03am

  611. 611: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @610: Lori says:
    “…which shows me it’s not a physical attractiveness thing but some other aversion to age…”

    They won’t be able to spread their seed and have it take root.

    “…SLV, But what really surprised me…”

    I’m not surprised…I’m not surprised by a lot of things… :lol:

    “..IMHO, you’re better off without any of these creepos being interested in dating someone your age!!!!..”

    Lori, I’m trying to figure out what you are advising. I have no doubt something good was meant.

    1)guys interested in dating someone your [SLV] age are creepos?
    2)you [SLV] are better off without dating guys interested in dating someone your [SLV] age
    3)You [SLV] should not date
    4)all of the above?

    I am working with what there is and making the best of it.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 7:46am

  612. 612: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I meant you deserve better than creepos like this if you are running into the same 60+ men online that I am!!!!

    I certainly did not mean anything negative towards you at all! I feel like you are an amazing woman who deserves the best!

    I feel bad that my message could’ve been misconstrued….. : (

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 7:50am

  613. 613: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Lori
    “…Some of them said that women their own age often didn’t care for themselves physically anymore…”

    This is code or short hand meaning they no longer look under 45.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 7:52am

  614. 614: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I guess there are men of all ages who are jerks….

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:00am

  615. 615: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @612: Lori says:
    “…SLV, I meant you deserve better than creepos like this if you are running into the same 60+ men online that I am!…”

    Yes, this is my online dating pool except that 95% will reject me because of race. So I only have to hassle with 5% of the creepos… hahaha :lol:

    Oh, yeah and my guy would be in the 10% of those remaining that are masculine-feminine balanced.

    And, he would have to like me. I know what’s out there; I don’t think I’m ordinary. Are we talking needles in haystacks?…Oh, I think so…

    But, my sweetie is out there someplace all alone — he might not be physically all alone but I am sure he is all alone in his soul — so I have to go find him… But I will be going with full armor when I do…although soft on the outside…and leaning back ever so slightly.

    I’m now working on my body as I don’t want to wear XXL dresses if invited to any White House dinner parties.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:12am

  616. 616: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I love your attitude and feel he is out there for you too. I feel that every age range has its issues. In my age range it seems the vast majority of men are married…

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:17am

  617. 617: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Deb #583

    Thank you for your thoughts!!

    Hmm… When I IM’d him I just had the overwhelming feeling of “I miss him”…. so I wrote that, but then I stopped and asked myself what I really felt and it was sad…

    Sad that I saw his name on there. His disappearance w/out a word would be more understandable if he’d found someone else closer to him geographicaly or age wise…

    Sad that I miss out conversations…

    Sad that I am constantly blind sided by thoughts of how fun/good the sex was/ the things he said during sex that were so open…

    I really didn’t expect a response because I didn’t expect him to definitely get the IM because of the way the site is…

    BUT… and here’s progress.. I have since had an awareness… He, of all people, who seemingly “knew/got” me knows the importance of words to me (reason I called him smooth – he always knew what to say to me)… To leave w/no reason/words/goodbye is just chickensh!t plain and simple….

    He is NOT a brave enough person to say what he feels/thinks/wants if it might be uncomfortable to him… He’s a wimp. And for THAT reason I can relate to EMK’s statement that he’s was not so great…

    I’m working on the me part of it… trying to really imagine what it would feel like to have a man adore me… Intelectually I can see good things in myself/love myself/ adore myself… Can believe my girlfriends who would take a bullet for me… but the challenge is to believe a man would… or would do it out of adoration not obligation…

    I’m working on it… trying to feel it…I’m better everyday… all day long I say “I am a queen and I’m wonderously/adoringly mated to my king of cowboys” Then try to imagine how I would feel in my body if that were already happening…

    PG

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:21am

  618. 618: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @614: Lori says:
    SLV, I guess there are men of all ages who are jerks……I feel bad that my message could’ve been misconstrued….. : (

    No, no construed at all…I didn’t know what the message was; I didn’t think you meant anything bad.

    Some guys are jerks some are just…guys. But I don’t need all of them, just a few. I’m not in a big pressure, I don’t have to find a guy to buy a house, have babies, any of that. I’ve done all that.

    And I don’t need a man to support me. He doesn’t have to be rich because I know how to be happy on any amount of income I have. Time and health are the big wealth assets.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:24am

  619. 619: JenniferWNo Gravatar says:

    Hello beautiful Sirens…
    I want to introduce myself, I’ve been reading Rori’s intelligence for about 2 months now and it works. I tried her lean back technique about 2 months ago and our relationship did a 180. I also read Mars Venus, good insight into the male mind.

    Anyway….I’m going into an 8 month relationship now. I’m 43 and he is 28. I know. I’ve been divorced for about 10 years after a 13 year marriage and had never brought home any dates to my teenagers until this man. He’s a great guy. I followed Patti Stanger’s advice and went out with someone I wasn’t totally attracted to but the fact that he wrote in his online dating profile that he was a church-goer and he loved the Lord, I went against my grain and went out with him. I made him wait until we were in a monogamous relationship (another piece of Patti’s advice) until we had sex. We are very passionate about each other.

    But yes…here comes my dilemma….
    Here we are almost into 8 months and I’ve never been in a good wholesome relationship in my life except this one…..how are couples supposed to act at this stage? Everyone I dated during these last ten years didn’t even make it to 2 months. I don’t put up with much. He pursued me hard in the beginning. We went out to dinner, movies, etc….now we just hang out at my house (he drives 50 miles to see me when he comes) We see each other about once a week now. About one weekend every two months we’ll go away somewhere. But basically when he comes down, we just have sex for about 2 hours. There’s a lot of passion between us. We have been through a lot of problems of a jealous stalker stirring up crap (saying that he’s cheating when he wasn’t) and we’ve broken up a number of times but we find our way back to each other. We text nearly every day – we’re comfortable with each other obviously. I make him pursue me, he texts first, he calls first, I try to remain the feminine one at all times. Although I am the older one and wiser one. At 5 months, I was waiting for him to tell me he loved me and I ended up saying it first. He reciprocated. I rarely hear those beautiful words from him though. Is he just one of those types? Someone told me since his mother deserted him when he was 3, was a foster child until 8 and then adopted that saying those words are probably very difficult for him since he thinks I might leave.

    But how are couples supposed to act at the 8 month stage mark – we have talked about moving away to another state in the future, or buying property together in Italy one day (im a Realtor) but marriage has never been brought up.

    Thank you beautiful ladies for any advice!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:27am

  620. 620: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Prairie Girl,
    “…He is NOT a brave enough person to say what he feels/thinks/wants if it might be uncomfortable to him… He’s a wimp. And for THAT reason I can relate to EMK’s statement that he’s was not so great…”

    Yes! That’s it. A flaw in terms of being “husband material.” He did not stick by you, he let you go. But that does not mean you choose an awful guy, just a guy not ready for a commitment to you. So, do not beat up on yourself.

    Did you read the EMK article which went with the quote? It was pretty good.

    Do you remember that childhoold nursery rhyme..:

    “Leave them alone, and they’ll come home…wagging their tails behind them.” Sometimes this applies to guys too!
    :D

    xoxo
    SLV

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:36am

  621. 621: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    RE # 620

    “Leave them alone, and they’ll come home…wagging their tails behind them.” Sometimes this applies to guys too!

    I Love it and it soooo does applies to guys. I’ve been approached by 3 exes this week….

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:52am

  622. 622: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LOl SLV… Love it… “tails wagging”… dogs and men … actually SC told me a saying they have when talking about the early days of Texas that intrigues me no end…

    “Texas was Heaven on men and dogs, but Hell on women and horses.”

    I really wanted to write a book with him about his great great grandmother… our last conversation we were talking about her and I said her story needed to be told.. that maybe that was the reason I was in his life (either to get him to write it or help him)… I’ve wondered if something was said wrong in that… there were no feelings/relationship stuff at all in that last conversation…

    In the days after the conversation I started waking up w/writing in my head about her story… I asked the Universe for a sign that I was or was not supposed to pursue writing that (as I wouldn’t be able to do it w/out him and his data) and I never heard from him again… took it as a sign..lol

    He told frequent stories of blended families only it wasn’t a single mother and new man, it was the OPPOSITE.. men out lived the women repeatedly (Hell on women and horses).. His grandmother outlived 2 husbands… she was very cool…

    I didn’t read the EMK article but I’ll go back and find it, thank you. I didn’t realize there was an article…lol

    PG

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:57am

  623. 623: Darling EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Violet:

    Thank you for sharing a bit more about your background and preference.

    I ditto Summerbaby’s comment about being reminded of my own past choices…

    I relate totally with being independent, in charge of your own life…Gosh, after I divorced my ex (about 8 years ago), I sure stood by my painfully achieved independence and told myself…never would I allow myself to lose my identity…

    From my own experience of dating for the past 6 years, I noticed I end up in “relationships” with guys that liked a “challenge”…and I sure were one, but only on the outside (cactus)…I was taking pride for saying no, doing what i want, etc…yet, because of it…i could not sustain a relationship…I emasculated all of them…to the point of being absolutely turned off by them…:(

    The last one…gosh, I got my nemesis…sometimes I wonder if I was cursed by those I broke their hearts…

    He loves a challenge…all women around him are “hard core” professionals…lawyers, politicians, etc…He was so much better than I at the “game”…piece by piece…I was loosing myself…

    Divine intervention is what saved me from myself…seriously…So, right there on my knees, where I made a complete 360 degrees change about everything…

    Since you found Rori, I feel optimistic you are on the right track…I so wished I had known about her programs years back…

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:18am

  624. 624: jasNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone! I have a question..perhaps someone can offer some insight? So..I have this new CD, I’ve been out on 4 or 5 dates with him. He is a really great and interesting guy, is an artist, we have lots in common, fun dates etc. However, EVERY SINGLE time I’ve gone out with him (including our 1st date!), he shows up to the date already smelling like alcohol! And many times we were already heading out to meet for drinks! He had to drink BEFORE the bar?? This bothers me. I really don’t want to CD someone who has these addictions. It’s like I’m not even getting to know the “real” him in a sense. It’s very easy to be witty, fun, engaging..when you’re constantly buzzed. Here’s my question: How do I end our dating? I know Rori talks about not blaming or pointing the finger at a guy for being who he is. I get that. But how can I use feeling messages in this instance to say “Hey, I feel like I don’t want to see you anymore because you always show up to our dates buzzed” It still sounds like I’m blaming him. I don’t want to do that. I just want to state that I, would prefer something else. I’m not trying to change him or get him to stop drinking. That’s not my job, he is who he is. But I don’t want to deal with anymore guys with addictions. My teenage boyfriend was an alcoholic, it was not a good time. So, how can I phrase this speech? I need to do this soon, because this guy is really into me and keeps calling for our next date! thanks

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:40am

  625. 625: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jas,

    You said, “Hey, I feel like I don’t want to see you anymore because you always show up to our dates buzzed” This actually sounds more like a thought to me. What are you actually feeling…hesitant, frustrated, fearful, confident?

    How about, “Hey, I feel pretty confident that we shouldn’t take this further. I feel sad that I haven’t had the opportunity to get to know the real you. I want a man who is willing to spend time with me when he’s sober. What do you think?”

    That’s still not perfect, because it’s got some “you”s in there, but it’s a start.

    I’m feel sad that you’re having to deal with his drinking like this. It’s so hard to (impossible) to have a relationship with someone who has an addiction. I feel proud of you that you are taking care of yourself and honoring your right to be with the kind of man you deserve.

    Pam

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:47am

  626. 626: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Wow this is a long time w/no posts here.. did we start a new topic somewhere else? I don’t see a new blog post by RR…..I’m having withdrawl…Eek!

    PG

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:03am

  627. 627: PamalamNo Gravatar says:

    LOL PG…I’m here :) I guess everyone else is out CDing. I need to head to the store, but will be back later. Hope someone shows up to join you!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:13am

  628. 628: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. I saw that I acidentally change my name…don’t know when that happened but Pamalam is actually Pamelala….perhaps it’s a dual personality thing!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:14am

  629. 629: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    LOl…. My computer died and I’m waiting on a replacement to come so am borrowing a relative’s laptop… I didn’t remember how I’d done my name before when I had to sign on again so I understand how it can get changed…

    I’m going to go CD my kids… take em bowling before the evening prices triple.. I’m a cheapy when I pay for the date…LOL

    Have a great afternoon!

    PG

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:26am

  630. 630: jasNo Gravatar says:

    Pamalam/Pamalala #625 – this is a good start to speech..using more of “what” I am feeling. Thanks for the suggestions!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:30am

  631. 631: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OMG how timely… I have a book/bag of Runes and drew one asking about the online dating thing… Here’s what I got…

    It’s The Warrior – reversed

    “The danger is that through hasty or ill-timed action, life force leaks out or is spilled away. If an association is short-lived, do not grieve; know that it has fulfilled it’s span. Matters of trust and confidence are at issue here, and with them the authenticity of your way of being in the world.
    Reversed, Teiwaz calls for examining your motives carefully. Is it self-conquest with which you are concerned, or are you trying to dominate another? Are you lusting after outcomes, or are you focused on the task for it’s own sake?
    You will find the answers within yourself, not in outside advice. When you consult the Runes, you are consulting the Self, an action appropriate to the Spritual Warrior.”

    OMG, if an association is short lived? Are you lusting after outcomes? Well, sorta, yeah….hmmm… Authenticity of my way of being in the world… No $hit…Feeling messages/what am I REALLY feeling anyway… wow…

    Okay, just had to share that it was too timely/weird….going bowling w/the kiddos now.

    PG

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:50am

  632. 632: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Jas, my current #1 CD was drinking before or during every time we hung out after the first date. after the third time or so, i said something. i don’t remember exactly what i said, but it was something like “i feel concerned about something. Maybe we’re just not a match. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with someone who drinks all the time. What do you think?”

    so this was about a month ago, and he thought I was saying I wasn’t going to see him anymore and he got really scared and visibly shaken. Then we talked about it a bit as he was trying to understand where I was coming from, but it wasn’t a particularly productive conversation as I did not want to have to explain or justify myself at all. He said if a drink was gonna keep me away from him, that it would be stupid to insist on drinking as it isn’t a necessity for him. He poured out his beer.

    The next day or maybe a couple of days later, when I saw him, he brought it up on his own. He said “hey i’ve been thinking about the whole drinking thing and how I could have eyou feeling more comfortable, and the only thing I could think of was to just stop drinking until you see there’s no problem.

    We’ve gone out drinking a couple of times in the last month (my friends had bday parties), but he doesn’t show up to our dates with liquor on his breath or drink when we’re not out drinking specifically. So my saying something worked out well for me.

    It’s been 1 month since we talked and I would give it another month personally to feel like there’s no problem here.

    I assumed the worst about this guy – that he was an alcoholic and there was no hope for him, but saying 3 sentences to him about it actually showed me something completely different.

    I think he saw me as a fun party girl (we met through my old job at the mj legalization campaign) but when I told him I felt uncomfortable with all that, he switched gears really quickly.

    yum, i am feeling impressed by this guy!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:58am

  633. 633: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling so happy thinking of seeing Securityman but also feel concerned that he can’t be non spontaneous.

    He doesn’t set timed plans. :(

    Hmm

    I don’t want to push him away Or throw myself off my bridge

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 12:05pm

  634. 634: Gift_of_LoveNo Gravatar says:

    love Rori’s post at the top. I finally broke up with my boyfriend who was sending sexual messages to women on FB. I couldn’t take the pain, hurt, anxiety anymore and I know what he did was an addiction. I am just starting to CD and am already cranky about it. I’m feeling angry that I still have to do this after all these years, I’m scared that I’ll never meet the one, and I’m also afraid of comparing them to the guy I just broke up with because the good things were so good. So here is a question…This last day there were too many awkward moments of silence and it was so obvious that it was going to go nowhere. What was the reason he was there for me? What am I hiding within myself that this guy showed up? I have no idea. Just know that I didn’t say any “feeling” messages to him cause I didn’t want to open up that way to him.
    yuk.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 12:11pm

  635. 635: Gift_of_LoveNo Gravatar says:

    I meant to write This last DATE not this last day.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 12:12pm

  636. 636: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday a new ‘sets plans’ cd stood me up. I just now thought smthin may have happened. Hope he’s cool.

    Weekendman hasn’t got back to me since Tuesday. We had plans for tonite but after our last convo Tuesday when I was still Feelin a lil bad and he seemed frustrated… Guess it’s not.

    Airforce cd who I had two dates with wants to take me out far away tomorrow – I don’t feel comfortable. He’s by the book nice and a gentleman, but I don’t feel connected… As in… He may still be a psycho killer for all I know. I’m not getting that.., I Know this person vibe. I don’t want to push away a steady , step up guy, and I’m feeling overwhelmed w him wanting to see me everyday … And also I don’t want to go overnight.

    It seems like hes escalating physically as far as making out.. And I feel awkward cuz we had an open sec discussion first date and he brought it up and I’m wondering if it may not result in moving to quickly sexually… I’m not feeling it.

    Same thing with ‘sets plans’ cd, wanted to see me overnight after first date – he said I seem sensual.

    Well I felt turned off and hadn’t talked to him for awhile until he set yesterday’s dinner date – when I didn’t hear from him – I thought I would.

    Babysteps it’s all good.

    I also have two Mississippi CDs who are talking about coming to see me.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 12:13pm

  637. 637: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Gift of love – getting comfy with silence is a big Rori tool.. Also feeling messages are for you, not for a guy. I can see how not sharing your feelings would make a date feel bad just from that.

    Doesn’t mean the guy is great or that it wouldn’t have felt bad anyway, just that it’s we as women who create intimacy by opening up.

    To me the message is like a mirror – seems your hiding your feelings inside yourself And not comfortable yet with silence.

    Sometimes guys we feel icky with are the best practice – saying ‘ I feel icky’. I feel disconnected, I feel bored takes bravery and practice.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 12:18pm

  638. 638: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh, I just had to share this with you ladies. Hunky CD, whom I haven’t met yet, asked me what I was doing today and I told him my plans to go to the hot springs fell through because my friend had to work. So, he asked me if I’d like to go with him! Something about spontaneaity (sp?) gets my blood pumping, but I replied “Wow, I feel excited and tempted by you spontaneous request, but I’d feel more comfortable if we were fully clothed for our first date. :) How about we see how things go Friday night and if we’d still like to go to the springs, we can make plans then? What do you think?”

    OMG, I don’t want to be seen in a bathingsuit on my first date…cottage cheese thighs and all…yes, they are goddess cottage cheese thighs, but cheesy nonethless.

    I like this guy…he’s definitely pursuing and that feels good.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 1:29pm

  639. 639: RosalieNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Sirens,

    Do you know any good European or International dating sites??? Maybe free ones?

    It would be great help for me. I can Google, but I won’t know which sites are the most visited.

    (Well, I will write the story of my freshly started CDing when I’ll have more time… Lol. There’s NO STORY basically. :D or :( Blaaah!!!!)

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 1:34pm

  640. 640: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #638
    Pamelala – WAAHAAHAAA… I almost fell off the chair laughing at your comment!!!! … Goddess cottage cheese thighs…. Hahahaha…
    You’re absolutely right, I wouldn’t want to be seen half naked on my 1st date either!!!
    How awesome he’s so forward though!
    I am myself getting ready for a CD with a guy I met last night. I turned him down just a few hours ago as I was seeing a friend who has just broken up sighted bf but then she told me she’d rather be on her own so i called him back asking if he was still up for something (I mean, it was sooo obvious he was my 2nd choice for the night!) and yet he sounded super excited about seeing me!
    Don’t you like this Goddess power?! The right guy is indeed out there!!!
    Hugs, LittleDoc x

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:21pm

  641. 641: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Little Doc,

    I’m struggling with not regretting just going for it. That’s my nature, but I wouldn’t want him thinking I go around just taking my clothes off for anyone!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:31pm

  642. 642: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 638 Pamalela I hear you and fully appreciate how you feel because I have cottage cheese legs also but you know what it would be a good exercise to deal with your triggers about parts of your body you dislike. Also I guess I would be curious to find out if he would be turned off enough to not call me again. However, I imagine that if you were able to activate the whatever attitude and just enjoy yourself regardless of cottage cheese or no you might turn up the pursuit to more aggressive. What do you think, all with openness to have fun? Imagine dying with laugher if he shows a physical reaction to your legs, you could actually have fun laughing at both yourself and at him.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:32pm

  643. 643: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, FW…I’m feeling anxious just thinking about it. I did tell him that I feel self-conscious, but that all that will go away once we meet. Once I know a guy accepts me, for who I am, I’m not worried about the body image stuff.

    He wrote back, “Hmmm and I thought it was a person’s insides that were important…besides, I like your look” (based on pics on my profile)

    He’s sweet. We’re going to get together for sushi next Friday night…I can feel the sexual tension stirring between us already…this is a test, this is only a test, had this been a real emergency you would have to have a boundary speech prepared….

    Preparing my boundary speech for Friday night….my heart is beating wildly.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:40pm

  644. 644: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 634 GiftofLove and Daria I am wondering if comparison shopping as it relates is a bad thing? I feel it is good as it gives us some measure of what we are looking for as long as we don’t get stuck on the old guy so we don’t give a new guy a chance. I also do comparisons between guys to see which have most of the qualities I am looking for so I can give and take. What do you think?

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:40pm

  645. 645: LittleDocNo Gravatar says:

    #642 – 643
    FW – you’re absolutely right… My nature however is very much like Pamelala one… I am not sure i would be able to strip off in front of a guy the 1st time I see him…
    I look forward to the day that will happen though… Lol!
    Pamelala – that boundary speech must be very good!!!! Hehe… Good luck girl, I’m sure it’ll be a great night… keep us posted though!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:46pm

  646. 646: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 643I like his reponse. Maybe an indicator that he might be the kind that is open to emotional engagement.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:46pm

  647. 647: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 645 Remember though it is not only about how our bodies look. It is how comfortable we are in our own skin, how much we accept and embrace our bodies. We tend to forget that they are not perfect either. There is a guy in my office with his gut hanging out but have the nerve to say he stands in front of the mirror saying that himself “I am all that”.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:49pm

  648. 648: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 641 I go the beach and most people are walking around in beachwear not caring who I am or what I think about them. Same thing for the pool, they are there to enjoy themselves.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:51pm

  649. 649: Gift_of_LoveNo Gravatar says:

    daria and FW…thanks for your input. I agree with BOTH of you. Maybe next time I will say I’m feeling really uncomfortable with the silence …what do you think?
    Made me miss my messed up-in-the-head boyfriend for the comfort level we had and I would have been less depressed if I hadn’t gone out at all. Rori talks about not putting a lot of effort into it …but I find it exhausting. What am I doing wrong?
    Pamela…you go, girl!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:56pm

  650. 650: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 625 Pamelala I actually think it is perfect and intend to tweak it a bit for my own use but I have no issue with the you’s in this case.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:57pm

  651. 651: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    FW – those are good points to remember. The one issue is that this guy is buff…I mean BUFF. He didn’t have a topless photo (I probably wouldn’t have connected with him if he did), but there is one with an underarmour shirt on and I could see the contours of his abs through the shirt! This is a good mirror…I judged him as being a particular way, more valuable, based on his hot bod and therefore judged myself as less than. Wow…time to journal.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 2:58pm

  652. 652: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 649 I am practicing to sit with the silence because my current focus is to develop the “whatever” attitude. I find the guys keep going when I keep silent so I ask “can I say something” or I literally raise my hand to say something. I have seen a friend use the “raise the hand” method with her husband and she is one is extremely feminine and commands a lot of respect from her husband, he gives it voluntarily.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:00pm

  653. 653: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 651 Great you noticed. But I am now wondering if you are sure that is current picture? Hmmmmm…I am not buff but look good in clothes and I find I am attracted to guys who work out. I feel I am energetically matched to them though I am not perfect. I really find a muscular chest and arms sexy.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:04pm

  654. 654: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    I hadn’t even considered that they might not be recent. I guess I will know for sure on Friday. :)

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:15pm

  655. 655: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 619 JenniferW I read your comments but you were not clear in there if you have used feeling messages with him to express the type of relationship you are looking for. With what you say about his history I am curious as to the type of role you sense both of you might be playing for each other? I have read that length of time doesn’t mean as much to men as it does to us. What you write suggests that he likes spending time with you but it is not clear as to what he wants from you in his life is my opinion. Has he negotiated anything with you if so what? His consistent behavior suggests some level of commitment so I am wondering if you have asked him about his life history?

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:17pm

  656. 656: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 602 Tina what is the reason you can’t be friends with him? Is it because you are interested in a romantic relationship with him or is because of the last meeting’s fresh memories?

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:26pm

  657. 657: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 596 Deb I am curious as to whether you would ask him if he is inviting you as a “friend” or “primary romantic interest”? Or maybe “I feel curious that you would invite me to your “friends” party after I told you I was not interested in being just friends with you?” Reason is I am wondering if he is in an imaginary relationship in his head or is it that is his way of offering more than friendship? Also I believe Rori suggests accepting what they offer if it does not feel scary. Don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes but just wanted to throw this out to you from a different perspective, hopefully someone else will help you process this one.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 3:43pm

  658. 658: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 526 TxMsPretty I agree with LonePlum. As you have not yet met there is no chemistry, nothing between you. You have to be face to face with someone to be attracted and to build a relationship. Your comments registers as red flags that I have read from other relationship experts about online dating, there is nothing until after you meet. Talking for long periods on the phone is only encouraging a telephone romeo. I feel there can be no liking him or sexual attrraction until you meet him. Have you ever met someone after talking to them on the phone and realized that the person was totally different that what you expected or anticipated? Also the body vibes can be different that what you visualized from listening to the voice. I also believe that guys indicate their intention by the kind of conversation they have with us. Check with your gut, your intuition and see what it is telling you and what you are feeling about this one. I would be wary of the overt sexual inuendos because I have always disliked guys refering to me as “sexy” if I was not in a relationship because I always believe that I am worth more than that.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:18pm

  659. 659: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel frustrated about having to delay my divorce bc of this gall bladder thing. :(

    It’s exactly like what happened two years ago — as soon as I started talking to a lawyer and making plans, I got cancer and had to delay the divorce.

    And now, just when I start the paperwork — bam! Another health issue that has to be taken care of first.

    It’s actually kinda weird, really….

    :( Waaaa waa waa :(

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:46pm

  660. 660: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    UGH…K, I always google the guys I’m dating just to be sure they’re not a sex offender or anything. Well, I googled Hunky CD and found this on the website “DontDateHimGirl” After a posting date of March 9, 2009, the location (my town) and a desription of him, including name, it said this”Liar! Cheater with a son. Baby’s mama lives somewhere in the Dakotas. He will lie about everything and has postings on many adult dating web sites. Do NOT trust this man with any of your friends. He will try to hook up with them too. Never trust him when he says he is just going to be at home for the weekend. He will tell you he is addicted to sex – he is just a cheater. ”

    Yuck…I already know about the son, but if he’s a sex addict, that’s a deal breaker for me. I’m a sex addiction therapist…don’t want to deal with it in my own life.

    However, I also know that the posting could be totally meaningless. Trying to figure out whether or not to bring it up…probably won’t, though. Blech

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 4:50pm

  661. 661: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 659 Lucy I might be overstepping my bounds here but am curious if you’ve wondered if the Universe is trying to get your attention with a message? Do you think you might be holding some emotions in your body about that relationship that might need to be released? Just a thought……..

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 5:16pm

  662. 662: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, FW. Yes, I have been wondering about that — but so far, haven’t hit on any specific message or anything.

    I don’t know what to think! It must mean Something — it seems too strange that this kind of thing would happen both times!

    If you have any further insights or questions, I would be glad to hear them — maybe something will trigger an aha moment.

    <3
    Lucy

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 5:30pm

  663. 663: JenniferWNo Gravatar says:

    FeminineWoman,
    Thank you for answering….I have been practicing using feeling messages, something I’ve never done before. I’ve always held my emotions in.
    Being a single mom the last 10 years emasculated me so its refreshing and fun to finally meet a guy that’s “decent” enough to bring into my kids lives (although they’re 19 and 17 now) have a relationship with and be in the feminine position. There is a difference in age but there’s no mothering action going on. EWWWW.
    The thing is when we first started dating I told him with all the bad eggs I had come across, I really was not interested in ever getting married again. At that time, thats what I wanted, but he’s the first one in ten years I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I’ve joked upon occasion when he retires i’ll be dead but he turns it around and says I’ll be the hottest older woman ever. I’m scared to bring up the word marriage, is it the proper time (8 months)? I don’t know! I don’t know what’s normal for a couple. We have talked about buying property in Italy in the future and being together in the future but the word marriage has never come up. Perhaps he is afraid to mention it because of what I told him about not wanting to get married. He gave me a Valentines Day card for a Christmas card and it said I’m the only one that will ever have his heart.
    Is it normal for a man to tell you he loves you once in a blue moon? I’ve never been with someone like that. Please put this in perspective for me.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 5:46pm

  664. 664: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 662 I have read something from Gay ?Hendricks about us unconsciously punishing ourselves. It might have been the book Conscious Living. He suggested something about us making ourselves sick by either withholding something significant we need to share or punishing ourselves because we don’t believe we deserve to be happy when we make a step towards happiness. Can’t remember fully but that is the jist of it. Have to go read his books again.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 5:48pm

  665. 665: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 663 Guys generally don’t express emotions easily, I believe that is not unsual. However, here Rori teaches to use feeling messages. I would recommend use them to tell him what you want in your life as in “I want a man loves and cherishes me who wants to be in a lifelong committed relationship”. I want a man who wants me. I love spending time with you but I am a girl here and we tend to want more. I realize now that I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend for ever and I know what I have said about marriage in the past but now I feel differently, and am wondering what do you think? Are you open to discussing this?” Or something to that effect that resonates with you. It seems you are in a place for the no girlfriend speech, however you also have to be in the place to be open to him walking away or to you walking away. I know you don’t want to put pressure so it would be good to wait for a moment where he brings it up. Just know that as your emotions and uncertainty build it will find a way to get out so your might wish to start sharing feeling messages with him about your everyday life to start preparing yourself for this. Hopefully others will jump in the conversation to help you. My understanding is that a man is ready to settle with us based on the way they feel not a conversation or amount of time that has passed between us. However, some can take up to 2 years to want marriage because they want to be sure they know you.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 6:01pm

  666. 666: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 663 Marriage has to be his idea otherwise he could experience you as desperate and want to run, want his space etc. Whatever you choose to do keep the focus on you, how you feel, what you want in your life and your boundaries. It could also be I want to be married in 2 years. “I appreciate your commitment to the time we spend together and feel excited to see and feel good with you”. Then go into the no girlfriend speech. I have learnt that guys keep their options open and will be with us until they find Mrs. Right and just move on. I have seen it happen in real life with my cousin and his girlfriend. Not to alarm you, but it is important to check in with your intuition, honor your feelings, and stand up for yourself in feeling messages stating what you want in your life. Don’t ask what you see for us down the road or where this relationship is going. Wait for his lead. Your best bet is to read as much here as you can and you will get tips from others who have done it. After 8 months I imagine the stakes are high for you and would not want to make mistakes but guys have to have their own reasons to want to remain. It seems from the consistency that he has been building up reasons.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 6:09pm

  667. 667: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 663 JenniferW Read the following category

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/speeches-for-communicating-with-a-man/

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 6:16pm

  668. 668: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay! Ryan followed up on last night’s missed phone call (re: #597):

    First he texted, and I was all leaned back and in my feeling messages! Then he asked if he could call, and we talked for 17 minutes, and it was all positive.

    He surprised me by really going into depth, instead of a one or two word answer as he usually gives. It sounded like the old Ryan I knew! At several turns of conversation, old issues came up, and I felt really good about leaning back and not pressuring, just staying in feeling messages as I’ve been schooling myself here on the blog! It was the most positive conversation I’ve had with him in 1.5 years!!! I feel victorious and jubilant!

    At the end of our conversation, he said, “I just want you to know I really, really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and how patient you’ve been for me.”

    “You’re welcome!”

    “I mean, I really mean it! You have explained so much to me and prayed for me and just been so loving and kind in so many ways!”

    I felt really touched, and I said, “My pleasure!”

    I am actually feeling quite giddy inside! LOL!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 7:04pm

  669. 669: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye’s concepts and tools work!!!

    It took 1.5 years to do it, with me learning her programs and healing all along the way…but HER TOOLS WORK!!!!!

    THANK YOU, RORI, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!

    Love, Brenda

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 7:13pm

  670. 670: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #598 – Security proposed to you? Did you accept?

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 7:34pm

  671. 671: jasNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea #632 – Wow! That is pretty amazing that he did that. I can say for sure that is not the norm, most people would choose the substance or deny there’s an issue. It’s awesome that this guy realizes that you are worth it. Congrats!

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 8:27pm

  672. 672: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala,

    Re#660

    How do you look up someone on that site?

    And maybe you should tell all of us the player’s name in case one of us runs into him on all of these sites were all on… : )

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:23pm

  673. 673: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, all you fabulous women!!

    Yeah, Brenda! that is so cool

    Jennifer – @ 8 months – it depends, I think your timeline and his will be very very different, and you’ll have to ask him what is on his? without jumping the gun or making him uncomfortable…

    for ex. at my age – well at any age over 40ish, by 6 months I’d think I’d know that we were exclusive that we were open to living together and were going to do so and many women here would be ready for a proposal.

    For a 28 year old? naaahh….I had a friend who dated a 26 year old for about 4 years….and they split and he went younger.

    No judgement, just saying the timelines would be so different….

    Feeling message:

    I feel so good about the time we’ve spent together, sometimes I imagine where this is going and can’t bring the picture in to focus. I want us to always be this happy. What do you see? What do you think?

    (I’m totally visual as you can tell…lol)

    and I bet if you google stages of relationships 8 months it’d be telling.

    Hiya, Nancy! too….

    Jacqueline

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:26pm

  674. 674: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes lately I actually let myself say I hate you to my boyfriend…and he just sighs and says I know…he really doesn’t seem to take it personally – which is both good and bad. When I need him to take it personally it’s gonna make it much harder, huh? But, it feels good to say how I feel and be able to feel different later – like I’m not locked into a feeling or position.

    And I’ve had raccoons in my wall – it’s been a nightmare, involving foam insulation, crawling under the house, humane traps they won’t go into and 2 hours of listening to scrabbling claws up my walls ….UGH….gross….I feel violated and filty and like I might go crazy – but it’s still something I have to deal with, and then….no, I don’t hate him so much at all when he’s under the house in the mud.

    smile….

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:30pm

  675. 675: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I’m so wanting the best for you and for you to move on – but looking at the actions going on? you’re removing yourself from dating sites, getting sick, having to delay the divorce – metaphysically it’d be like digging your heels in, or some big need to be “right” about something….

    but maybe it’s just that when you don’t feel good you don’t have all the get up and go to want to fully engage, you know?

    Just to say, I care and want all to be wonderful for you….

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:32pm

  676. 676: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – your color will allow you only 10% or something? I love your can do attitude and your zest and your zingers and your humor….

    but that makes me feel sad. And I hope it’s not true!

    And I love what someone said about every age group having it’s challenges…so true….

    and that you can be happy with whatever income you choose!

    I hope we all have 100% chance and it’s just a matter of when we decide to look around and notice someone smiling, or someone in pain who needs a smile….

    like the post, I hope it’s just up to us when we get to have the relationship we want!

    Nite, everyone!

    Jacqueline

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:35pm

  677. 677: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori #672 I found it via google. I just googled his name and city and found that website. I don’t want to “out” him just yet since it could have just been an ex who didn’t understand RR tools and chased him til he ran away. You never know. I’m going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt…til my gut tells me otherwise.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:35pm

  678. 678: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused..why would you “need” him to “take it personally” when you’re saying to your man that you hate him?

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:37pm

  679. 679: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ooooh, tons of stuff on stages of a relationship, 8 months search….

    so – ummm, some people move into the “power struggle” stage….lol…I think I start there and move into enchantment!!

    The Enchantment Stages lasts on average 6-8 months. I have worked with couples where it lasted only a few weeks before the power struggle emerged and have known other couples where it lasted 2-3 years. How long the romantic stage lasts seems to depend on how much time the couple spends with each other and the amount of “woundedness” or “baggage” the individuals bring to the relationship.

    But then there’s this and the power struggle is two “stages” later -Stage 2: The Discovery
    During this stage, the initial excitement of being together is subdued so you can actually discover who the other person really is. You and your partner begin to discover each other’s quirks and neurosis, and you uncover things that bug you about each other. You also begin to discover what you truly love and respect about one another. Your communication should deepen to a soulful level, where you begin to open up to each other.

    •When it starts and how long it lasts: This stage starts between 3 and 6 months and can last for a number of years, depending on how comfortable the couple is with self-disclosure and how fast or slow the couple wants to progress in emotional intimacy.

    •The joy: The joy is the discovery; you are close enough to be able to glimpse the other person, his or her vulnerabilities, beauty, even quirks — which you may think are cute. The joy is also in seeing evidence that you have chosen the right person (if in fact you have such evidence), as well as in deep communication and budding emotional intimacy.

    •The stumbling block: You may begin to discover things that drive you crazy about each other. You may also discover that the two of you do things in very different fashions, or have vastly different interests. This is a time of choice and you may not want to choose.

    •What to do: Look with open eyes at both the beauty — internal and external — of your partner and the ugliness and quirks you are discovering. This is a time of choice and often in relationships we choose what feels good now over choosing what will feel good in the long run — and we suffer for it. Decide if this person is a good fit for you for the long run and wants the same future as you.

    I am totally going to be digging a new bit of researching! Thanks so much!! Jennifer and good luck!

    Jacqueline

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:44pm

  680. 680: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Dorothea – well, as in if I ever seriously want him out of my house….I doubt telling him that is gonna do it. Probably have to change the locks, something concrete.

    I reread what Rori wrote about all the reasons we hate them….and wow, yeah…and it’s pretty much all transient; I guess until it isn’t.

    You remember tho that I’ve been called out as ambivalent and I myself claim to be committment phobic, yes?

    Smile

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:47pm

  681. 681: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    no, i don’t really remember, but i’ll take your word for it.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 9:49pm

  682. 682: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, happy to have a moment to try and catch up with the blog. I read yesterday, but never had a moment to post.
    I am suddenly having a lot of man activity.
    Boomer, I feel ya. I had 3 dates scheduled for this weekend.
    Last night’s was really exciting. He’s showing signs of strong interest and I feel attracted. We just had dinner and then sat and talked. Suddenly he announced that it was 11 pm. We had talked for 4 hours! It felt like an hour and a half! He called before noon today asking for a 2nd date tonight.
    That felt SO good. I was already booked tho’, by another CD and another tomorrow night, so we’ll have our 2nd date on Monday and he’s talking about plans for next weekend. Exciting so far. We’ll see. I feel a strong spiritual connection with him and that’s important to me.
    I had to cancel tonight’s CD due to a very sick dog. Poor little girl. I just did some tapping on her and she loved it!.Thanks for the EFT reminder, FW!
    Another new CD tomorrow.
    This is the first time I’ve ever had 3 very attractive men clamoring to take me out… I feel Sireny!

    xoxo

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 10:01pm

  683. 683: LoreleiNo Gravatar says:

    @624 – jas

    Hi Jas

    I would also feel concerned and a bit turned off with a man who always turned up on dates smelling of alcohol. My inner alarm bell would be ringing as well, however charming and fun he was to be with when you’re out on dates.

    But it sounds like early days – as if you haven’t been on too many dates with him.

    If it’s a clear No or No Way for me after a few dates, I email, or text (or would say in person at end of next date) something like:

    “Thanks again for last Saturday / drinks / bowling / coffee / whatever.

    However, I’m not feeling enough of a connection to take things any further.”

    I learnt on here that we don’t have to go into long explanations pinpointing why exactly we don’t want to see them again . . . . and that these attempts to “explain” are as much to make ourselves feel better about turning them down as anything, and to try not to hurt their feelings, or to subtly give them a clue about where they’re going wrong in dating or in life.

    If you want to soften it a bit more, you can add stuff like:
    “Thanks again for last Saturday / drinks / bowling / coffee / whatever it was. It’s been good to get to know each other a little more

    I’m enjoying meeting lots of new people at the moment, but I’m not feeling enough of a connection here and I don’t want to take things any further.

    Thanks again, and best of luck”

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 10:46pm

  684. 684: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, lots of excitement around here tonight. Found a water leak in the bathroom. Ripped the bathroom apart, broke the toilet tank cover and finally realized that the water was coming from the unoccupied townhome nextdoor. They just remodeled and have it up for sale. I couldn’t get ahold of the realtor, so called the fire department and they were able to get in, but the place is trashed. :P

    And, how this all ties in, is that I didn’t get the house piced up, or makeup on, and my house was full of cute firemen! Oh, the curse of the unprepared. Ah well, lesson learned. Put makeup on before calling out the fire department! lol

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:17pm

  685. 685: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh goodness…my sad sticking out the tongue face looks like a smile…there are no smiles about what happened to the neighbors…just for clarification.

    Saturday, 5 February 2011 @ 11:19pm

  686. 686: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    .
    .
    Who would you be without your story?
    http://www.youtube.com/user/achillefould#p/u

    xxx

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:50am

  687. 687: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    lol wrong link :)

    Here is the work on prejudice
    http://www.youtube.com/user/achillefould#p/u/0/pBQ8SPlDOVo

    xxx

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:17am

  688. 688: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala,

    RE: #684 – LOL! Major homeowner’s nightmare, major drama, and leave it to a Siren to be mentioning cute firemen! :lol:

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 2:27am

  689. 689: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – he said he wants to marry me thru text. First he wantedr to have hIs child. I said nO shortcuts.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 2:50am

  690. 690: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @676: Jacqueline says:
    “…SLV – your color will allow you only 10% or something? I love your can do attitude and your zest and your zingers and your humor….but that makes me feel sad. And I hope it’s not true! …”

    It’s not true. It’s not my color; my color does not disallow me anything. My color is not a limitation. It is not something I am “doing.”

    The decrease in number of men is the result of the filtering and response pattern of men on online dating sites. The number remaining is not 10% ; it’s 5%.

    I am thinking you won’t get what I just wrote. That’s OK.
    :D

    With the remaining 5% I have to adjust for
    –age range,
    –those that will not respond even though in age range [the "I only date 15 years younger" thing].
    –what’s then left after those subtractions, 90% of those remaing tossed because not masculine-feminine balanced
    –Then if there are a couple left, they would have to be attracted to me and like me after a first date or two.

    Hmmm. :D

    500,000 x .05 x .08 x .24 x .10 x .15

    25,000
    2000
    480
    48
    7.2
    Let’s be optomistic, 15 guys per million online dating subscribers. I did not adjust for inactives. Nor did I take into account geography because then I’d have less than one. My math might be off too; it probably is.

    But that’s only for general online dating sites. I plan to do other things which will skew in my favor. I am resourceful; watch me go. I am not my father’s daughter for nothing. I’ll have fun with it.
    :D heeheehee

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 3:51am

  691. 691: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Jacqueline

    Guess what? Remember your mentioning Suzanne Somers? That was regarding bio-identical hormone supplementation. Well…yesterday I went over to Barnes & Noble and bought her newest book. OK, I’ll tell you…somewhat of a letdown as compared with her previous books, of which I have most. All her other books have the most lush photos too; they are fun…and this one…no photos that I’ve seen so far. :cry:

    BUT!!! I think it’s just right for me as theme of book is weight loss over 40. It’s so funny, that her revised eating plan is the same as the one that I created for myself from her former “somersize” plan. This always happens with me. I take something and change it to suit me and then lo and behold others do it too!

    My big problem is sugar, sugar, and more sugar!

    The book is “sexy forever” by Suzanne Somers. And like anything else in my life, including what I’m learning from Rori, I take what works at the time, adjust for myself, and put the rest aside.

    Yesterday I also bought a body fat digital scale. I haven’t used it yet. I’d gotten out of the habit of weighing myself and I don’t much like “bathroom step on” scales. I no longer have the doctor’s type balance scale that I invested in years ago. That’s the kind of scale to have but I’ll make do with this new one. I don’t want anymore nasty surprises like the one I got when I stepped on a friend’s scale.

    Anyway, you might want to read the book. I thought about you when I saw it…I think you mentioned a couple pounds you don’t need.

    Also I am going to check out work of Jonathan Wright, MD He has much info on hormones but I haven’t read any of his work. I’ll do so this month. I have a lot of reading to do!

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 4:12am

  692. 692: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @685: Pamelala says:
    ” Oh goodness…my sad sticking out the tongue face looks like a smile…there are no smiles about what happened to the neighbors…just for clarification.”

    A broken tank top is not so nice either. What you put was a “razz” which is OK too, might as well take it in stride. :P

    Here is sad face for you:
    : cry : with no spaces = :cry:

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 4:18am

  693. 693: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens,

    I’ve read that having two strong personalities (masculine) may not be a good mix. The best relationships I’ve had were with men that accepted and liked my strong personality.

    They were confident within themselves and didn’t respond to me as if I were a threat to their egos. We were equals in each other’s eyes.

    Don’t get me wrong… I also enjoy exuding feminine energy. That is the part of me that gets dressed up to kill, goes out with no expectations of meeting men, and dances for the love of it.

    I switch from masculine to feminine and back again depending on what the circumstances are. I like to treat men like men and be treated like a lady.

    This is when the techniques I’ve learned come into play. I’ve said it before that I’ve used the techniques before I read about them.

    It’s subconscious, therefore, it comes out being completely natural.

    I relish being unique (in a good way). I know that some men are intimidated by me. I doubt that I would want to be with a man who is unconfident.

    I tried using feminine energy with a man that has a strong (masculine) energy. This felt SO strange and I didn’t like the results. I felt as if I purposefully made myself vulnerable and felt ‘less than’ who I was. It was like I was relinquishing my true nature.

    I’m not going to worry about the results. I’ll continue to use techniques and tweek them for myself. That way, I feel more in control.

    I’m meeting ‘W’s parents today. ‘W’ has talked me up, down, and sideways to them. I figure he is serious if he wants to introduce me to parents. It’s like getting the seal of approval for the lady he chose.

    Anyway… it’s time for me to hit the bricks. You ladies take it easy and always be true to yourselves.

    ~ Violet ~

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 5:27am

  694. 694: Gift_of_LoveNo Gravatar says:

    please help, I need your support right now, my dear sirens. Yesterday I emailed one of the women on FB that my beau was sexting with. I was compassionate and honest and she and I ended up having a lovely back and forth. I found out the truth. He told her that we have an open relationship! WTF? But then later he texted me he doesn’t like being spied on, who else are you writing to? How many people on FB are you writing to? I just kept saying what are you talking about. Anyway…I asked her if she told him and she said when she first heard from me she was angry at him and told him why is your girlfriend contacting me, he’s a liar and to stop hurting people he loves, etc. So no I’M the one in the wrong for contacting her…not all his lies and deceit. He doesn’t even know that I know what he wrote — just that I know he wrote to her. I feel awful, I feel dirty and I feel frustrated that I don’t have the upper hand in this. So now he emails me this morning saying yes I still love you. Do I just put his things in a box and send them to him? (No wonder he kept saying, it says “in a relationship” on FB. People know! Don’t worry about it.)

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 6:12am

  695. 695: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Gift of Love -

    take care of YOU! You deserve so much better than his crumbs.

    Set your boundaries and do what feels right to take good care of yourself. Imagine for a moment that this isn’t happening to you, but to your best friend or someone you respect and care very deeply about. What would you advise her? That’s what you should do!

    It’s a technique I’ve used again and again, because I tend to treat others far better than myself and this is how I work to heal it.

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:00am

  696. 696: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    SLV,

    I enjoyed the suzanne sommers books too. I also went at one point with the south beach diet. It was probably the easiest change of eating habits for me to stick to, the hardest was the first two weeks.

    I’ve got about 20# hanging around that I’d like to get rid of, but seeing as I used to be 60 + overweight, and I took off that 40 and kept it off for 1/2 dozen years now, I feel pretty confident that Suzanne’s tips and South Beach tips were what got me here.

    The rest of it is going to require regular working out, which I’ve begun to do again. Like you I take what I like from resources and incorporate what fits my lifestyle.

    South beach diet was one that worked with all the food I like. Giving up sugar is the hardest thing. I’m looking into Stevia as a sugar substitute as it has none of the issues that saccharine and splenda and all the others have.

    Sending you love in support of your efforts.

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:09am

  697. 697: Prairie GirlNo Gravatar says:

    GOL I don’t remember your relationship status w/this guy, and I haven’t heard Toxic Men, but he sounds TOXIC to me!

    To cause drama, lie… well… bottom line – MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE CACA… and then BLAME YOU for it sounds toxic to me… Why are you there?

    You can do better than that even if its by being alone…

    Here’s my rule of life (I don’t always remember it right off but get better every day) “when people show you who they are… BELIEVE them”.

    He’s showed you, you doubted him and your own intuition so had to have it checked w/another woman to have it confirmed.

    Now he’s reiterating who he is by blaming you/making you wrong for HIS behavior. Granted your self doubt/lack of self confidence/lack of self esteem made you stoop to the level of the insecure/chasing girlfriend and THAT’s why you feel bad.. NOT because you did anything WRONG in the scheme of life…

    But this just brings me back to -why is he worth feeling like crap over? I can’t imagine any “good” feeling he could give that would make this horrible feeling worth while…

    But that doesn’t make it easy to walk away… I know this from personal experience… almost identical sounding personal experience BTW….

    Sorry.. didn’t mean to get on a tangent here… this is just too close to home… It’s sounds SO like the narcissist that almost destroyed me this past summer… on FB no less too.

    RR says to a narcissist you are not real….this guy doesn’t sound like you are real to him unless it’s about making him feel good… JM(opinionated)OO

    Angels on your body.
    PG

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:14am

  698. 698: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV @ 691 Summerbaby @ 696

    I have been looking for a way to get my cravings for sugar under control and found this thread of Rori’s.

    Perhaps this could be of interest to you. :)

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/the-sugar-problem-and-how-it-wrecks-our-relationships-with-men/

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:32am

  699. 699: MaryNo Gravatar says:

    So beautiful to read,..it is my experience too
    Some months before i and my boyfriend who is living with me in 7 years became together,…
    when i just was a friend,i asked him what is the biggest desires in his life,..he said:Three things,books,alcohol and women…
    now 7 years later,he has many women who he has special mail contact with,of course hiding from me,he two or three weekend in the months hang on the local bar comin late home and rest of the weekend is used on that,…and he write articles,……
    I have grown up these years,i am not waiting for him to change,..
    i do not use time to discuss about these other women or alcohol…
    but still here,living together

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:46am

  700. 700: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @SummerBaby
    “…I’m looking into Stevia as a sugar substitute as it has none of the issues that saccharine and splenda and all the others have…”

    I’ve used several stevia products, most recently PureVia. I still have lots of packets from the box I bought months ago. I’m using it today because ran out of Splenda and I decided not to use sugar. The packets are nice because the sweetner is same consistency as in a packet of sugar so nice for tea or coffee.

    There is a little stevia taste like very very faint licorice… sort of…that’s quite not it. It’s not bad; I think I will use it more often.

    Thanks for your encouragement. I’ll be losing slow-w-w-ly…

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:48am

  701. 701: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @WW
    I’ll now go read that Rori “sugar post.”

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 7:53am

  702. 702: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, you ladies inspire me in more ways than one. I just read Rori’s article on sugar, too. Three years ago, I stopped eating sugar completely. The detox was horrible, but only lasted about 3 weeks. In 5 months, I lost 50 lbs! Unfortunatley, I’ve gained it all back :cry: I have a total of 80 lbs. to lose now.

    When I lost the weight, I felt soo good, physically and emotionally. Lately, I’ve been depressed, having migraines at least once a week and have some strange cough (I have asthma so it’s normal for weird respiratory things to happen).

    Anyway, the point is…I’m in with y’all. Starting super bowl sunday..today..no sugar and 120 oz of water. It’s on!

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:09am

  703. 703: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,

    I’m in a relatioship where he blows hot and cold all the time. One day, things seems great and the next, he wants a cool off period and doesn’t call or communicate at all.

    As of today, I don’t know if I’m still in a relationship as it’s one of the cold days.

    I took your suggestion of expressing my feelings and making sure there is no blame in them. However, lately he has told me that he is sick of the fact that i’m always saying “I”, that i’m self centered and all i care about is my own feelings.

    What can i do to now?

    Secondly, where can i see the cost of your teleclass and when will you be holding the next 6 weeks session?

    Thank you
    Sherry

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:10am

  704. 704: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @702: Pamelala says:
    “.. I lost 50 lbs! Unfortunatley, I’ve gained it all back I have a total of 80 lbs. to lose now.
    …Anyway, the point is…I’m in with y’all. Starting super bowl sunday..today..no sugar and 120 oz of water. It’s on!…”

    Yea! You did it once…you can do it again!

    It’s a little struggle getting started. What’s even more a struggle is thinking how long it’s going to take… On the other hand, time passes quickly if I don’t think about it and I’m busy doing other things.

    You are right about the water. I don’t drink enough. Do you drink bottled or do you filter?

    I’m watching Project Runway, not for the slenderness of the models but for the clothing design…that’s a motivation.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:24am

  705. 705: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm,

    I just did a very leany forward thing.

    I seem to have lost my Siren vibe a bit while I’ve been wrapped up in all the drama that has been happening recently.

    I have some serious Siren work to do, and some serious re-focusing, back onto me again.

    I have just skim read the blog and feel really excited to see there are loads of cool posts that can help me so I am looking forward to catching up.

    Last night I went out with a group of very glamourous girls and I felt very under confident.

    I haven’t felt like that in a while although I have not been feeling very attractive recently.

    Well it was very telling in the amount of male attention I got (or didn’t get) where usually I get quite a lot.

    It made me realise that I really want to take better care of myself and look after my appearance a bit more, as well as working on my self esteem and confidence.

    So I have some intentions to work on.

    I feel very pleased to have this blog as a support tool.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:27am

  706. 706: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala @ 702

    Wow 50lbs in five months.

    I am inspired.

    I am scared of the cravings. My worst addiction is fizzy drinks. I get both caffine and sugar fixes this way. I am almost embarrased to say how much I drink on daily basis…..it is like water to me.

    I am determined to give it up though as well as the other sugar filled foods.

    I have been looking into getting fruit and veg boxes delievered to my house or going to a fruit and veg market so I don’t go shopping in the big supermarkets which is almost certainly my downfall.

    I was most inspired by Feminine Womans post that she gets up a four to exercise and I realised I really have to get into the habit of looking after myself and I know I need healthy food in order to exercise properly.

    I feel eager to get going. :)

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:34am

  707. 707: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I did it. I finally told my ex long distance bf that I can’t stay on as friends any longer. He broke up with me over a year ago after dating 2 years. He said it was the distance. Well I’m smart enough to know it’s never JUST ABOUT the distance. I think he just decided I wasn’t the one. Anyway, he stays in touch and sent me a Christmas card in the mail, that said on the cover, To MY Dear Friend and just keeps communicating like that. Also called me on Christmas day. You know how it goes. They just want to stay in touch, JUST IN CASE, if no one else shows up. Anyway, I deserve better than that. I told him in a e-mail that when we found ea. other on a dating site I was looking for my life mate. NOT a friend. So I just wished him well……

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:36am

  708. 708: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the encouragement FW and WW.

    I drink tap water. We have great water here. However, my naturopathic doctor friend recommends reverse-osmosis water – so I’m thinking of giving that a shot.
    He also suggested giving up diary…but I’m not sure I can live without my sugar-free lattes.

    Onward and upward with the internal and external Siren transformation!

    My only drawback is that my son and I are auditioning for the Biggest Loser on March 5. I can’t lose too much before then.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:43am

  709. 709: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette,

    Good for you. I imagine it my be so hard, but it sounds like you’re really taking care of yourself, despite how hard it is. Take care of yourself and do something nice for yourself this week.

    Pam

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:44am

  710. 710: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Pam, I will. Life is too short to be unhappy.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:47am

  711. 711: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @706: Wonder Woman says:
    “…so I don’t go shopping in the big supermarkets which is almost certainly my downfall…”

    Suzanne Somers teaches to shop the perimeter of the supermarket. She’s right; that’s where the whole foods are: fresh veggies and fruits, dairy eggs& cheeses, meat, herbs and spices. Dip into the aisles for whole grains: cereals, pasta, nuts & healthy oils. No packaged/additive foods.

    I think it helps if you have a personal chef…. LOL :lol:

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 9:58am

  712. 712: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, also, just to clarify. When I went off sugar, that meant no grains, rice, potatoes or starchy veggies either. And the only fruits I could have were berries, plums, cherries, and melon. It was tough! but my doctor told me I lost out in the genetics department and it was going to be the only way for me to lose weight. He was right…so, back to it.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:07am

  713. 713: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @708: Pamelala says:

    “…My only drawback is that my son and I are auditioning for the Biggest Loser on March 5. I can’t lose too much before then…”

    That’s fabulous. Oh, for a body like Jillian’s. :D

    If you were selected when would you start?

    We have good water here too; people still drink bottled. Even my little grandchildren drink bottled water, used to it. However they will also drink filtered water.

    But…I’m taking this as a message from you: I’m going to get a filter and drink tap! And see how it goes. It’s convenient. I wish I could find a good filtering glass system. I hate having a plastic water pitcher as much as drinking water in plastic bottles. Ewwww, disgusting.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:10am

  714. 714: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV @ 711

    “I think it helps if you have a personal chef…. LOL”

    I hear that…I wonder if I can manifest myself a man that can cook!! :) ha ha

    I do think it is terrible how the supermarkets thrust sugar filled treats at you from every vantage point.

    I tend to find that once I am in the routine I can stick to healthy choices quite easily but I have been get to that place first.

    x

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:15am

  715. 715: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not sure when the Biggest Loser will start…my son is spearheading the whole thing. It’s a couple’s season, so we’re a team. If we get on, all of you will love him! He’s quite a character and has been telling his mama to be a Siren all along. He’s an amazing young man…so proud of the person he’s grown into after the truly difficult life he’s had. <3 :)

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:19am

  716. 716: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @712: Pamelala says:
    “..Oh, also, just to clarify. When I went off sugar, that meant no grains, rice, potatoes or starchy veggies either. And the only fruits I could have were berries, plums, cherries, and melon…”

    That’s rigorous! But everybody is different eating what’s right for you makes sense. I’ll be eating all types of foods including whole grains like brown rice, oatmeat, whole wheat cereal and pasta also quinoa (which I’ve never eaten but will try)

    I hope to lose about three pounds per month, more would be nice. The eating plan is for life so it’s not really a reducing diet as much as eating healthy for life but the beginning stages are designed for weight loss. Of course, no sugars, white rice, white bread, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, etc at beginning. But new plan has added peanut butter. Yea!

    I think all fruits are allowed except bananas; dried fruits and fruit juices are discouraged. Everything depending upon individuals. Genes and age will determine a lot of things.

    And even if I lose very slowly I think I will be healthier. I’m going to open house at gym tomorrow.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:21am

  717. 717: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala @ 712

    Thanks for the info. I am taking notes.

    Good luck with your audition. How exciting. :)

    x

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:22am

  718. 718: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @Pamelala

    I hope you get it! All the sirens will be cheering for you.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:25am

  719. 719: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Are there any lawyers on this site? I am on hold to marry my fiance, the one with cancer. He is on disability and medicaid. Now if I married him, wouldn’t they take the medicaid away, the one he pays his medical bills with because I work? How does that work, anyone know?

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:28am

  720. 720: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I must go now. Talk later.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:30am

  721. 721: Wonder WomanNo Gravatar says:

    SLV @ 716

    Yes, I see this has a lifelong healthy eating for life strategy.

    It is very difficult sometimes because I am vegetarian although I cook meat for my son as I feel that is his choice to make.

    My biggest problem is that when I am out I am invariably met with a limited menu. Also I am not a big eater of salad because I find them a little boring where as my friends can have chicken or fish with theirs.

    x

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:35am

  722. 722: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey everyone — Just saw on TV last night that eharmony has free communication til the end of this month!

    I feel happy that it’s a door that opened for me.

    I’ve had a profile on there for years, but never joined — only used their occasional free weekends.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 10:57am

  723. 723: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Would anyone have any info for what I posted here on #719? I welcome any and all help.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:14am

  724. 724: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette,

    RE: #719 – You asked, “I am on hold to marry my fiance, the one with cancer. He is on disability and medicaid. Now if I married him, wouldn’t they take the medicaid away, the one he pays his medical bills with because I work? How does that work, anyone know?”

    I am not a lawyer, but I have a friend who NEEDS to be on disability. Her husband’s retirement SS is $1000 a month. She is not eligible because of that. :-( Really stinks, because that’s not enough for one person to live on, much less two.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:17am

  725. 725: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so grateful greatful grateful greatful!

    Thank you God my Orishas My angels my beloveds! Thank u Goddess Daria for working this through the power of thought pushed the Great thing even deeper in the past that’s how well you did!

    Ohhh.., giigle w my head thrown back I am blessed I am blessed I am blessed I am blessed.

    The roofs look sunnier.

    The burden has been released.

    I did it! I feel safe.

    I feel tight in my tummy and smily and I Love my tightness in my tummy and my smile :)

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:18am

  726. 726: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    :)

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:20am

  727. 727: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh lovely day oh lovely day! Oh lovely day oh lovely day

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:40am

  728. 728: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    What did you do? What happened? Sounds like something real good!

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:41am

  729. 729: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Go power of imagination! Go prayers and divinity!

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:45am

  730. 730: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – mm I felt really scared about one of my godbrothers landing in jail and was trying to see how I could help bail and felt soooo triggered that “I don’t love him enough” as I wouldn’t ask my parents or think I was able to get across to them that I care and I need help. Anyway or even ask someone else it felt overwhelming and i felt like a stuck scared traumatized conforming victim and more ww2 triggers about complying with being moved to camps it’s to death and yet not brave/lucid enough to not conform … Sigh. Super trigger

    So what I did was everytime I hit w the DREAD. Which was every few minutes and hours was imagine it was healed and also praying for it and lots of imaging… How would I feel if this was great! And allowing myself to feel that way for whiles at a time

    Then now I called and got him straight ok the phone! He’s been out for days well like 2 OMG!

    I has felt so overwhelmed and my prayer plan worked even tho this one guy said it doesn’t always it has for me and I want to feel good and I feel happy now the dread won’t visit as much – well not consciously – I ‘fought’ valiantly by making myself happy and now I’m rewarded.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 11:53am

  731. 731: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    That’s terrific! I feel happy for you! You faced the yucky feelings and acted on your behalf and you won…is that basically it? Glad everything worked out for him.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:16pm

  732. 732: JenniferWNo Gravatar says:

    FeminineWoman and Jacqueline,

    Thank you so much for your insight and your research, Jacqueline.
    He was in a 5 year relationship in his early 20s where she wanted to get married right away and he thought they were too young. By the time he wanted to get married she said no. So we’ve both been in real long term relationships.
    We have been through so much crap with a jealous stalker breaking us up four or five times but we made it through.

    I guess I am just not use to men not expressing their emotions, but when they express it to much, its a turnoff. We see each other about one day a week (I have 2 jobs and 2 teens and he lives 50 miles away), unless we go away for the weekend which is about once every other month. He’s also not a gift giver which I am not used to! He didn’t know we were exchanging Christmas presents until I gave him his and then of course he comes up with “I left yours at home”. He gave me a gift and a beautiful card the next time I saw him though. Is that normal for men not go give “items” every once in a while.
    Anyone else have that experience?

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:18pm

  733. 733: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah I didn’t ‘do’ anything fear based, only visualizing, asking for divine assistance in Feelin better and situation, and act as if it was favorable – law of attraction stuff w EFT. Also.

    And I let my dread be felt and noticed my feelings of helplessness and continually gave myself compassion.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:51pm

  734. 734: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I can work this magic thing!

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:54pm

  735. 735: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Thanks for the info. I know the government is making it harder and harder when it comes to benefits. TH\hat is why so many people are choosing to live with ea other as opposed to marriage. It’s just not God’s way. I may not get married to Steve because of this, it really sucks too….

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:56pm

  736. 736: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    JenniferW -

    With regard to the question of whether or not I’ve been with a man who doesn’t give gifts…yes! I seem to attract men who are not gift givers. I am really generous and love finding the perfect gift for my friends and partners. So, it’s a blow when that isn’t reciprocated.

    This Christmas, my favorite, who I had been dating for 5 months, got me a $25 gift certificate to my favorite art store. I got him a motorcycle jacket that he’d been pining over for months. I appreciated that he got me something I could use, and that spoke to my passion for art, but I was really hoping for jewelry. I guess that’s what I get for having expectations. I think his gift really spoke to where he was in the relationship. As in, “I’m really not that into you.” :(

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:56pm

  737. 737: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. I’m dreading Valentine’s Day…preparing myself for not even a phone call. If that happens, I’m going to just decide that it’s over and time to let him go.

    It’s hard to use RRs tools, hoping to experience a turnaround, when there’s no contact.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 12:59pm

  738. 738: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette, I know this isn’t orthodox, but I’m just trying to think outside the box on your behalf…could you look at marriage as a spiritual union rather than some sort of contract with the government? Could you have a church wedding without going through the legal redtape? Can you commit to forever, in front of God, your family and friends, but just don’t involve the government?

    Does that make sene to you? It could be a beautiful thing. It would just require a more open and reative view of marriage, as opposed to what society says it should be. You could even get your name legally changed to be the same as his, if you’d like…it would just be a different way of understanding marriage.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:06pm

  739. 739: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling good about myself… And scared! I am communicating w airforce cd. … Who seems to have some of that ‘robotic’ air so that I don’t feel like I Know him..,
    And telling him how I feel

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:26pm

  740. 740: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala, I am getting depressed over this one. But thanks for your input. Maybe the answers will come. My mother would disown me if I lived with a man outside of marriage. She is VERY RELIGIOUS. It’s a very hard world we live in.

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:31pm

  741. 741: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I said I get the impression he’s looking for something exclusive right now while I want to take my time and not be exclusive till marriage… What does he think?

    He just said… Do u like me?

    I said yes

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:31pm

  742. 742: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “I’m really not that into you.” – Pamelala, you’ve only been dating five months. You may or may not be right about him, but this is no time at all in many men’s idea of time.

    Gifts and words don’t mean much necessarily. It’s how he is with you, how he treats you, looks after you and out for you which really matters.

    And all of this grows with time. It can take years.

    I waited a long time for the words and somewhat the gits, but when I let those expectations go is when I began to get these things. When I learned to “hear” and receive in the ways he was speaking to me and giving to me is when I began to “see” how deeply this man felt for me.

    The words and the gifts are nice for sure, but they are all the more special when they come because first of all they are not a constant, and secondly because the intense and profound feelings of love are there all the time and expressed in ways that cannot be feigned.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:52pm

  743. 743: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Now he’s saying he likes me too but I need to ‘let it ride’ and ‘take a chance’ I said I feel confused about those terms

    Sunday, 6 February 2011 @ 1:59pm

  744. 744: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque -

    You’re right, I think it does have so much to do with the ti