Betrayal. Cheating. Porn. Friendfinder. Emailing other women. Chatting With Other Women. And yet…
He loves you…
How does THAT work?
Here’s where you might be going with this – you hate him.
And why do you hate him?
Because we’re human.
We hate a man who dies before we want him to.
We’re infuriated at anything a man does that isn’t the way we want it to be.
We hate him for not calling. For not coming over. For not wanting sex. For watching sports instead of hanging out with us. Anything.
And the worst is the other women stuff – porn, staring, “needing variety” – anything he says that includes another woman or women and makes you feel bad.
And this is supposed to be BAD. In other words – nearly everyone would agree with us that this is bad, where they might not agree with your anger over a missed phone call.
And yet, it’s all the same!
Yes, it is. Because it doesn’t mean anything in itself.
It’s not worth figuring out.
Either you marry Matthew McConaughy and trust he’ll be with only you forever – or you go with – I “hope” it works out that way because it would feel great – and yet – I’m not going to hinge my happiness on it.
Some things you can accept and others you can’t. And notice I say “accept” and not “tolerate.”
Toleration is such a “No-No.”
The conversation you have with yourself about a man has to be about what you can accept, and what you can’t accept- and let’s leave the anger out of the discussion.
Let’s leave the anger (good or bad, right or wrong, justified or not justified…..) out of the discussion – because you’re going to feel angry some of the time no matter what you’ve decided to accept!
Expecting anger to not follow disappointment is like expecting water to not fall from a raincloud.
You can hope it doesn’t – but it will. You can be mad at the cloud, and you can be mad at the sun, and you can accept the rain even if you don’t like it.
But being mad at rain is pretty silly. So being angry with your own anger is….not worth your time.
And being angry with a man for making you angry is a similarly not-helpful use of your time.
You learn as much as you can about what a man is like and how what he does and says and is affects and triggers you personally.
You work on understanding how you’re triggered and discovering what you actually, really want and don’t want. What feels good and what doesn’t. What you want to accept and what you don’t want to accept.
You forget about trying to change him, and just keep asking yourself, over and over – “Why am I here?” Ask “Do I want to be here more than I don’t want to be here?“ Ask, “What is the deal I’m accepting?”
We compound all our unpleasant feelings with more unpleasant feelings about HAVING unpleasant feelings – so let’s just go with this:
ACCEPT what you feel – and now let’s go on to the MEANING of what HE’S doing:
And remember – this is your MEANING you’re giving to his behavior. To him – this is not betrayal. It makes you FEEL bad, but he’s not trying to hurt you. It’s not deliberate hurt. It’s just the way he “rolls.”
Instead of turning your fury on him because he isn’t and won’t be the way you want him to be – and under your control – your job is to get out there and find other men who don’t have these issues that make you feel bad. A better “MATCH” is what we want here. This is not a match that will work.
Please believe that Circular Dating is the cure for you here…You’re beautiful, wonderfully employed – you’re going to find a bunch of great men in NO time…men who may have OTHER problems – but not this one.
Do you watch “House”? The doctor who just has to “cheat” on his wife? – and how the wife’s been working through it?
Some men are addicted – doesn’t matter what to – drugs, women, sex, makes no difference.
You don’t want an addict – unless he’s addicted to YOU!
Do you want to be here?