A Valentine For You

locked heartHere’s my favorite Valentine’s Day post, and let’s do it together – I’ll love me and you love you, and we’ll not have expectations or ideas about the MEANING of this “occasion.” No man enters into this. It’s just between me and me and you and you, and let’s see how that works!

Okay – Valentine’s Day can thrill us or torture us. We can pretend we don’t care, or we can go into a funk, or we can enjoy what we have if we’re in a relationship or have a good date, or we can make Valentine’s Day a day of love for US.

We can make it a spa day or a manicure day, or a lunch with ourselves day, or a lunch or movie with our girlfriend’s day, or a sit home with a book, or a sit in a park day…and the amazing thing is — it’s really not all that big a deal anymore.

The Symbolism Of The Whole Thing Is About Expectations

What do you expect, that Valentine’s Day can make you feel fulfilled or make you feel like you’ve lost something?

If this is about “forever after” for you and you’re not there – well, the expectations put you in a state of “lack.”

If this is about “right now” – the expectations put you in a state of “action” – “let’s get this thing happening!” comes into your vibe, along with anxiety for having to make it happen.

If this is about “someday” – the expectations put you in a state of “wish” or “dream” – and that can feel good or plain neutral, unless you start comparing the dream to “reality” and fall back to “lack.”

So – what would I like to suggest?

How About We Go Smack For “What Is”?

That means – whatever you’ve got going today – don’t make a decision about if it’s good or bad, and don’t judge it in advance.

If you’re feeling wistful or dreadful, or anxious, or upset, or lonely, or angry about such a stupid holiday, or anything that doesn’t feel good to you, send a Valentine to it.

If you’re feeling upbeat and hopeful, and beautiful (you are beautiful, yes you are…), and happy with the day outside your window, and good with what you want and can do for yourself to have good feelings today – that’s your Valentine, and send it to ALL of you – head to toe – sort of as beauty oil to all parts of you for the next moment and the next.

Let’s make Valentine’s Day about loving how you feel – no matter WHAT that is.

You can actually GIVE YOURSELF a Valentine – buy it, or make it out of paper and markers and whatever you’ve got if arts-and-crafts please you. And when you do it…make sure you love what IS about where you’re at..and just ladle that love on.

I’m going to give a bunch of Valentine’s to me today…here’s one to my Nasty Voice: “I know that even though the sun is shining so beautifully and I feel so lucky with everything in my life, there are little rough patches inside me now that feel scratchy and I can feel you, Nasty Voice, jumping on those and trying to worry me and speed me up…and…well…that’s okay. Happy Valentines, Love, Rori.”

Or…”I see me in the mirror, and, yeah, we look a bit tired, yeah…I can feel how disappointing that is inside, it’s kind of sitting on you, chest…oh…I’m going off now into ignoring this wrinkle…well…I’ll just slather on some love, here, and let’s go put some oil on you…and…Happy Valentine’s…we’re all still here…I love you, as ever…Rori.”

So – I’m sort of writing Valentines from Rori to Rori…

If you like this…go ahead and write some Valentines from you to you, and put them out here for us all to revel in and copy…

And Here’s My Valentine For You…

No matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter what’s happening, or who out there looks like he loves you and who looks like he doesn’t – it’s all a matter of opinion.

My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.

All you have to do to make it real for you is to see it and receive it.

We pitch love, you catch it.

It might not look like the expectations you’ve been advertised, but it’s love all the same. It’s a message of love.

Don’t try to decode it.

If you don’t like what it looks like, just slather on the love all over yourself, and catch the next thought, feeling, insight, bit of fluff that’s full of love and just might look and feel better.

Inside YOU – it’s always moving around, always surprising.

The way we get stuck in a gear of “lack” or “anxious” is to lean on the same messages over and over and over that give us the same feelings over and over and over.

Strike out new today. Send a Valentine to what isn’t perfect. To what doesn’t even feel good inside you.

Send a message to yourself that you’re up for an upgrade, one word of love from you to you at a time.

The important thing is to take in love – wherever you catch it – from words, from the air, from your own heart, from objects and animals, from trees, from the spa technician, from the water at the pool and water in your drinking glass.

Love, Rori

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143 Comments to “A Valentine For You”

  1. 1: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    To all the beautiful sirens here… spectacularly wonderful day is wished to you from my heart to yours!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:29am

  2. 2: SiranaNo Gravatar says:

    My husband and I have been fighting for a long time. He tells me he doesn’t love or respect me like he use to. For valentines day today, he sent me flowers, chocolates, and cookies to my office. He knew I was expecting something. I didn’t tell him to do this but he knows me. I know I should be thrilled but still I am not. The card he sent with the flowers just says – “Me”. Not Love Me or I love you but just “Me”. Am I making to big of a deal of this? I feel like he just threw money at me but I don’t feel any love from this. I actually feel sad.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:51am

  3. 3: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana, words are cheap. He got you things he hoped you liked. He wanted to please you.

    Remember that this is the “be surprised” part. He stepped up. He tried. He cared. He WANTED to make you happy.

    Maybe let yourself start feeling gratitude that he TRIED, and focus less on “but he didn’t do it the way that I wanted him to!”??

    You wanted words, he gave you action–and a lot of it.

    Any man can SAY “I love you”, but not all of them can act on it and not all will even try.

    It seems like your expectation was that he do it your way, not that he do it his way. If he isn’t loving you the way you want… I guess you have to decide whether or not you can accept him loving you in HIS way.

    I say this gently, but it does sound in this case like it’s your expectations that are disappointing you, not your honey.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:03am

  4. 4: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana I totally agree with Shannon. Seems like you are focused on what you don’t get rather than what you get. At this point many men get frustrated and just totally give up trying. I have seen it with a brother and my dad.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:07am

  5. 5: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana, love to you.
    I have been in that feeling too, and I feel like hugging you. (((sirana))) What I’m hearing is this: you’ve been feeling sad, unloved, distant from your man, for a long time now. You’re feeling crummy and sad about him. The gift from him is triggering all your old, built-up feelings of sadness and unsafety. Could it be that your sadness is about the relationship, and not about the gift at all?

    He is not just throwing money at you. He took the time and thought to call or go online, pick out something he thinks you would like, and arrange in advance

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:54am

  6. 6: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    to have it sent to you. He is thinking of you, acting on his ideas. He is leaning forward in the relationship bubble! Therefore I feel confident that your Valentine’s day with him can turn into something magical, sparkling!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 9:59am

  7. 7: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    It’s okay to admit how you feel, too. “When I got the flowers, I admit I felt sad about the past. I felt disappointed that the card didn’t say you loved me. But then I realized that you getting me those things said it louder than any words. Thank you so much!”

    That includes both the sorrow, and the gratitude (if you can find it inside you).

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:02am

  8. 8: SiranaNo Gravatar says:

    I think you are all right! I actually got up the courage to ask him but I assumed it was not due to lack of love when I asked. I said “do you sometimes write “Me” because you don’t like others to see something personal…you would rather keep that private between us?” He responded – “No, I just don’t really like using this day to get all gooey about how I feel. It is a commercialized holiday. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like picking you out stuff. I did. I made sure I got you stuff I knew you would like but if I am doing my job I should let you know how I feel all year long not just today.” -This is a perfect example of how us ladies always take everything so personal and assume the worst first. Why is it so hard to break this habit!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:03am

  9. 9: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Think about the significance of him simply signing the note ‘Me.’ By coming up with something to brighten your Valentines day, and then following through, he IS sending you HIMSELF. He’s sending you his way of sparking a little specialness. He’s sending you his particular way of caring for you. Even if it’s clumsy – how do you feel about receiving ‘him’???

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:04am

  10. 10: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana, that’s wonderful. He really was stepping up! He selected what you’d adore. He was so there with you and for you!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:08am

  11. 11: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana- I feel softer myself, and about how I’m feeling today with my man, after responding to you. Thank you, and Happy Love Day to you!!!!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:09am

  12. 12: SiranaNo Gravatar says:

    He knows me well though. I am worried now that maybe he is thinking I am ungrateful that he didn’t write more. I told him I agree this day is very commercialized and it is kinda silly what we expect but that I still love getting flowers and it made me so happy. I just don’t want him silently thinking that in the end I still disappointed her.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:10am

  13. 13: Helena HartNo Gravatar says:

    Wishing all you beautiful sirens lot of love today and always!!!

    Love, Helena

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:16am

  14. 14: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Sure he does. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t hope that you can appreciate his gesture… and you can always change.

    You can’t convince him you’ve changed if you don’t do it.

    He’ll react to you according to what he expects from you, until what he can expect from you has altered.

    No day like today to change your responses. The day isn’t over yet. You can still gush and melt!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:17am

  15. 15: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana – This may help, my own Valentine’s story from years ago.

    http://sexandheart.com/what-can-you-expect-from-your-man/

    xxoo

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 11:36am

  16. 16: Mad-mind SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Expectations feel yucky. Sirens lets give up the pressure of all expectations. Valentines Day is NOT a big deal. It’s just how we perceive it. And I decided to let go. What’s so special about it anyway. Love is there and here every day not just once a year. I decide to unzip my heart and love myself endlessly and I don’t need a Valentine (even though I might want it) to prove I’m lovable!!!!

    Sending love to me and you all xoxo

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 12:25pm

  17. 17: IrisNo Gravatar says:

    #13, Thanks, Helena, same to you :)

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 12:53pm

  18. 18: NermoNo Gravatar says:

    My valentine message to myself

    The moon is sending love to my sadness, it is sending me light and warmth . Thank you for being so full and clear in this alone moment .. I am sending love to my weariness to get things done, I am sending love to my expectations, I am sending love to the little child in me who wants to be constantly entertained.

    I am sending love to my tears , and I am sending love to my constant triggers who make me feel alive and help me to recharge back into
    action.
    I am sending love to the full moon for being with me right now.. Even though I am vakentining alone..I will do my best not to blame anyone for it.. And I will take care if myself in my low moments just right now.

    Thank you Mamy and daddy for worrying about me..I send you love even though I feel angry at you right now
    I send you love Mahmoud for listening to me, I send you love for making me feel good feeling .. I love how I feel around you and I love the missing feeling I have for you right now..I send you love and warmth

    Sending love to you Rori and all the great women out there:)

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 1:53pm

  19. 19: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    It’s V-day. HS made reservations at the trendy new Chinese place at the Casino. But we both woke up with headaches. So he is going to bring home wild-caught salmon, bubbly and something sweet. This was my choice, he would have dragged his ass through if I had wanted. Yesterday he brought me home beautiful bouquet.

    He wasn’t always like this. We have had some REALLY shitty Valentine’s. In 2009 he broke up with me on V-Day. That lasted a month.

    I no longer try to be or have perfection.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 1:56pm

  20. 20: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Love Day to all of you gorgeous goddesses; may every day be filled with much love.

    http://sexandheart.com/turbulent-waters-of-emotion/

    xxoo

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 2:19pm

  21. 21: EpiphyllumNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon #3

    “words are cheap. He got you things he hoped you liked. He wanted to please you.

    Remember that this is the “be surprised” part. He stepped up. He tried. He cared. He WANTED to make you happy.

    Maybe let yourself start feeling gratitude that he TRIED, and focus less on “but he didn’t do it the way that I wanted him to!”??

    You wanted words, he gave you action–and a lot of it.

    Any man can SAY “I love you”, but not all of them can act on it and not all will even try.”

    Oh Shannon, you said it so well! I can’t agree more of what you said. I feel so inspired. DrR TXT me a very simply Valentine’s message as a secret admirer! I do not get anything else from him, however considering of his extremely busy work schedule and lots going on his life, still makes time to please me. This action says loud and spells love to me & I feel very grateful!

    Therefore, I replied,” Oh… thankyou, my other secret admirer…Your message makes me feel super special….I feel wonderful…”.

    I also got a card, flowers and lucky scratch from my No.1CD and a playful message from DrK. Oh… I feel spoiled. I feel happy and smiley!

    I’m going to work with DrR this afternoon. I feel happy and anxious at the same time, for what’s happening lately that sadly we can’t connect in a way that we’d like to!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 2:22pm

  22. 22: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    Failed in having “no expectations” for today :(

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 2:40pm

  23. 23: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I am beyond mad. H totally bailed on me for the entire wknd. He’s going out of town for his daughters volleyball, which I totally understand and don’t have a problem with. What I have a problem with is the fact that he didn’t tell me until just a couple hours ago. He’s already left and won’t be back until Monday night. We’ve had a discussion about this in the past cuz he was doing this all the time and I told him that it would feel better to me to know these things in advance. He said he understood. I feel like my feelings aren’t being respected.

    What a Valentines Day. Ugh. I have made plans to go out with friends tho. So hoping those plans stick and I can have a good evening anyway.

    And even tho I’ve expressed to him that I would love to watch his daughter play volleyball, I’m never invited to go. I could have gone this wknd. My kids are with their dad and H knows and is aware of the schedule. Wonder why that is? I brought it up today before he left amd didn’t reallly get an answer.

    Think I will take this time for myself this wknd and really think about whether or not this is worth it anymore.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 3:25pm

  24. 24: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I got asked out for tonight by my date I had on Wednesday. No mention of valentine’s day and then he invites me to a place that I specifically told him I didn’t like. How special! Of course I’m not going… it feels like I just got slapped in the face by him…ugh

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 4:31pm

  25. 25: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Sirana – omg, hearing about what your husband sent you and that most fabulous response about it not being just one day but all year long, how did you manage to not just grab his face and start kissing him passionately? Holy crap, girl. I mean, I know you are feeling bummed about the fighting, but from my perspective, it sounds like he is taking this opportunity to really make it up to you. Why are you feeling sad when you clued be jumping into his pants, RIGHT NOW??! Lol

    It’s not that I don’t want to respect or acknowledge your feelings. Just that I think, if you took a few steps back, you might realize that what you have right now is what most of the single women here and elsewhere would LOVE to have – especially on a day like today.

    Please – for our sake – forget about the fighting for one minute. See if you can feel grateful. Because you are SO lucky and blessed right now to be with such an AMAZING man. Everything doesn’t have to be a struggle…

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 7:45pm

  26. 26: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid light – aw. Way to go, girl! You don’t have to accept less than what you want, just because it’s v-day : )

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 7:48pm

  27. 27: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I always love Rori’s Valentine’s post…

    Well, I for one, am choosing to be grateful right now. For the first time in YEARS, I have an actual date on valentines day. My date from weds, I’ll call him M, asked me out tonight. He drove to see me again, which was nice. And he asked he ahead of time if I liked milk or dark chocolate. So I knew he’d was bringing chocolate. I didn’t know he was going to bring four bars of it!! (I guess he couldn’t decide how dark, so he got a bunch. Lol)

    And all day I’ve been eyeing the flowers I’ve seen men and women carrying around. I didn’t say anything to him, but I realized that I secretly wanted him to bring me some. I told myself in advance not to be disappointed if he didn’t. And he didn’t. I do think it is something I would like to receive at some time. But how can I be disappointed with four bars of chocolate?? And a delicious dinner, too.

    And he’s so cute, but he hasn’t tried to kiss me or anything, yet. He gave me a longer hug tonight, though. So I think that’s pretty special. He said he doesn’t normally hug people : )

    And here is my fun tidbit for the day: I was watching women’s skeleton in the Olympics last night (a sport I’d never even heard of before). And I don’t think the newscaster meant to make a sireny comment – or, for all I know, she is one of you here on the blog, lol – but she was describing how the women go down the course. She said, “it’s all about melting. You want to be the butter on the toast.”

    Heck yeah, women. Let’s butter that toast ; )

    Happy Validities Day!

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 7:59pm

  28. 28: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Took myself out on a date. Circular dating. Not responding to H.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:27pm

  29. 29: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    hi sirens :) so last night after dinner the guy i’ve been seeing asked me about making things ‘official’. long story short i explained that i needed a bit more time but this is actually a first for me!! in the past i was always the one chasing and wanting to define a relationship so it feels really good to me in this position.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 8:45pm

  30. 30: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    So….

    J and I are having a SUPER open day with our hearts… and I’ve admitted things and he’s told me he’s learned things today about feeling good and feeling open! YAY!

    He says he wants to get a job and be open about how I feel…and he just went through some tough moments with me today still feeling open and good, he said!!!! :)

    So I told him about the blog, he feels that there should be alternate blog that was couple friendly, if we wanted a guy’s opinion…

    Because he feels he is well-balanced and sensitive…and he asks, is there anything I can do for the blog? Can I answer any questions?

    What do you think, Sirens?

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:01pm

  31. 31: Leigha BakerNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens …

    I just wanted to stop by and wish you a beautiful day/night.

    Zia – How fun!!! The tables have turned! ;)

    Tereana – I love that the newscaster said that! You can feel the difference in energy when a woman talks like that – love it!!

    ((((Liquid Light)))) – He sounds like he’s just clueless – I don’t know too many men (if any) who would ask a woman out to a place he knows she doesn’t like…even though you specifically told him.

    Friday, 14 February 2014 @ 10:26pm

  32. 32: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy I believe the blog is a safe space for women where we can share our stories and help each other. It really is not a place for men.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 2:58am

  33. 33: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Late night to bed for me….

    My valentine “date” just left..At almost 3am!
    I say “date” because I don’t have romantic feelings for him, but he paid for everything, picked me up, and we had champagne at my place and talked until 3am. Hmmmmmm…..but I don’t feel attracted to him! I like his company, but I don’t want more.

    On the other hand…I feel proud of myself for:
    1) Not TEXTING any other man tonight. Meaning…I’m so proud of myself for not reaching out to my Ex or to Mechanic tonight, even though they both crossed my thoughts.

    2) Not crying. I feel proud that I was able to be in the moment and enjoy the present without feeling any sadness about what I think valentines should be or what I’m missing in my life. Appreciating what is in front of me and the people that want to spend time with me is a step in the right direction.

    I’m also having a thought that maybe a reason I’m having trouble connecting with men and ultimately myself is that when other people use feeling messages, I don’t feel more connected to them. Maybe I would understand the effect of feeling messages if I felt connected to other peoples feelings. But I don’t. They may as well have said I prefer, I want, I think…the I feel…doesn’t make me feel much at all. Thoughts

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 3:04am

  34. 34: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    I have to disagree with FW.

    I’ve read tons of posts around the blog where men have commented. Rori has been very receptive, and even turned some of their comments into posts where she replied to them.

    I feel that the “trick” is in him not targeting anyone individually. If he wants to discuss the masculine view of what’s being taught, that’s great. But it would start to feel icky if he talked to any individual woman about her circumstance or her feelings–even if it wasn’t negative from his point of view.

    The history of the blog shows a welcoming attitude from Rori towards men who post, though.

    It can still feel safe here, if he doesn’t make it personal with anyone.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 4:42am

  35. 35: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon most of those posts are from coaches. Men have come on the blog as posters on and off and have triggered women who have asked that they be removed and at times practically shooed these men away. You weren’t on the blog yet when this happened. Rori has allowed some on and off and has politely advised that this is a blog for women. Some have been moderated out. Mayabe

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:22am

  36. 36: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Oops maybe Rori will comment about the men being here.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:23am

  37. 37: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/guidelines-for-posting/

    Hi all – If you’re new here and not sure how commenting here works, and how to best participate in and USE the community we have here – here are some guidelines:
    What’s so special about this community on this blog is that we’re a safe place…
    We’re a laboratory. A place to practice Tools, to share our secrets, to be raw and vulnerable, and to learn to trust ourselves and one another in an emotionally safe, anonymous environment.
    To keep it safe in this way, I monitor it as best I can, and want to respond quickly if you let me know something has suddenly become heated, gone off the guidelines, and become unsafe. (Sometimes we have a man join us, and if he seems thoughtful and caring, I let him through. And – the moment any woman becomes uncomfortable with his presence – he’s gone.)

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:31am

  38. 38: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon,

    I too was here when a man was a regular commenter and the women quickly began to feel unsafe, and not as open, including myself.

    He said things that were, perhaps, innocent enough, that normally one would just let flow off you like water off a duck’s back, however it can make you feel clammed up when you are sharing this deeply and being this vulnerable.

    One woman at the time made the comment that the blog feels like a girls pyjama party and with a man here you feel like he might get a peek at your nickers. I found it a funny analogy, and also kind of true, speaking for myself.

    x

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 6:38am

  39. 39: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    (((Purple)))

    It seems as if you have shared your feelings about this with him before, perhaps more than once (I remember you talking about it before), and so I don’t get the sense that continuing to talk about it with him would be good or helpful.

    Have you asked yourself why you are still with H? What the pay off is, and what the good feeling things you get out of the relationship are? I believe these are useful things to know, before you decide to end it.

    There is really only acceptance when it comes to a man… but for my money, if it were me, I would start circular dating, as in actually accepting dates with other men. You have been with H a long time (more than 2 years if I remember correctly?) and I wonder… is there a commitment in sight? Have you spoken about a plan? If not, I would start circular dating. For me, if I were in your shoes, my disappointment around Valentine’s Day and not being invited away for the weekend would be my cue.

    Hugs xx

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 6:48am

  40. 40: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    oooohhhhhh feminine woman. Thank you for posting the guidelines again. What a wonderful reminder of what makes this blog so different from the rest and how we can use it.

    Had never read the part about Riffing.. and how Daria is a wonderful example. I feel so freed up now. So empowered to really get down inside myself and really feel.. really share from that place.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:12am

  41. 41: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel worried and scared
    if I had a man that I was trying to share a relationship with, trying to love, and using these practices to go deeper into what would make ME feel the happiest and most expansive in that relationship….
    I would feel clammed up, and choked if that man also had access to this blog and to my connection with this sharing.
    I feel robbed, too cloistered, like now I have no private space for just me and my curious heart and I feel I already give him so much of me, my time, body, energy,
    let me have one thing… one thing that is mine alone. I feel boundaries being shifted once again and I am the loser.

    ugh… oh my… I’m definitely very very triggered by the request to have a “boyfriend” on here. If it were just “random man” I would feel differently. If I were dating someone, I would not want him on here looking at my posts or interacting with other women.

    Do I care if Mandy doesn’t feel the same way I do? No. xxoxoxo…. I was just sharing how I would feel if MY man wanted on here to make sure that Mandy knows it’s okay to say NO!! : )

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:22am

  42. 42: SyreenaNo Gravatar says:

    It doesn’t always feel safe here for me.

    One because it is a public blog so when I choose to share My only real choices then are to share with the world on not share with anyone here.

    Also if I come to the conclusion that there are certain people who for me feel unsafe to share again have only two choices share with everyone or no one on here.
    Where in real life of or on other public cyber places I have more s real choices and options to choose who I open up to and not make it public for just everyone or anyone, opening myself up to cause myself emotional harm.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:37am

  43. 43: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel gushy smily reading the Sirens’ loving messages for V-Day – thank you Linda, Helena and Dominique XOXO

    Nermo – 18 – Beautiful!

    (((Cris)))

    Zia – 28 – : ) I admire feeling safe in yourself to say that you’d like for time. I’m managing my chasing impulses so it’s really good to read this.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:50am

  44. 44: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Reading what Sirana had posted I realized I feel nervous when I need to find out – when my feelings and NVs influence my receiving of what men want to give to me. I know that at the end of the last date with LastCD that that was the case – I was feeling afraid that what I had thought was a pretty good experience so far wasn’t so. I’m feeling relieved that light is being shone on this for me.

    I’m quite puzzled by LastCD poofing completely, no fade, just complete radio silence. Feeling a little ouch-clenching in my stomach. He seemed so interested, I guess not. Then I feel doubt about whether I’m getting any closer to being a siren – hm I don’t like feeling like that. Hugging myself.

    V-Day had a sweet ending to it – at about midnight I played my two most favourite songs – feminine, vulnerable, erotic in such exquisite ways – I only remembered them at that time. I kept listening to them, I felt release, like I could feel so relaxed that I could seep out of myself.

    Today I dressed in a dress that I thought was ‘me’ and noticed how men and women and children were looking at me. One girl was actively staring to the point where I wasn’t sure if she wanted in on the conversation I was having with my sister or not. It felt almost inappropriate to be dressed that way. But I feel sooooooo good!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:52am

  45. 45: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Veronica. Here in Europe a lot of men don’t like Vday. My husband is one of them but he randomly buys me flowers on some Vdays. I could not avoid fantasizing that this year it will happen. But no. Anyway, I woke up this morning covered by his kisses and this is more than enough :-)

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:59am

  46. 46: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Cris – 44 – Surprise morning adoring kisses sound so beautiful. I feel warmth in my chest reading that this is more than enough for you.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:15am

  47. 47: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day sirens! I had a great night with my new guy. We sat and talked for about an hour… About what we are looking for, and I told him how I’ve been feeling after sweetheart… And he was great. No pressure and I feel very safe and comfortable with him. We went out to hit some local places. I got to meet a friend of his, who was on a first date… We had sooo much fun and laughed all night. New guy does karaoke and wow can he sing! I’ve always wanted a man who would sing to me :) I feel all tingly, we had such a great night and just excited that I met someone who has so many characteristics I love. Does it really matter that he has green eyes, dark hair, is funny, outgoing and can sing? While all are awesome, I could be happy without some of those specifics, but the question that came up was do I need to be? Can I really give the universe such a specific idea of the man I’m looking for and see him show up? I’m not sure I believed it… Until now. I have no idea what will happen or where it will go… I’m just excited to enjoy the present and see what happens. He seems to really like me too… Said he hasn’t felt this way in a really long time and asked to see me again. He talked about meeting my girls and me meeting his daughter. He wants me to go on a vacation with him this summer and invited me to go to Vegas with him in a month. It’s a golf trip, I’m not… But was sweet being invited. He said he tried to get me flowers and they were all sold out, but he will make it up to me. I love flowers, and getting some would feel really special, but I wasn’t expecting him to show up on our second date with a bouquet, so I wasn’t disappointed. I spent the evening with a man who repeatedly told me I was beautiful, that he was having a great night, asked if I was, laughed and got kissed over and over… He paid for everything, opened doors, I really felt like the girl. I just got to melt. I feel wonderful!

    The girls are skiing with

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:23am

  48. 48: SyreenaNo Gravatar says:

    It also feels bad to me when coaches and therapists give advice who are not qualified and belonging to an accredited professional body. For instance the likes of EMK.

    It gives the appearance that they are something which they are not to vulnerable people who are on here. That feels deceptive and dishonest to me.

    EMK for instant is a dating coach and as far as I am aware and has not got and professional approved relationship qualification which would qualify him to enter into a professional relationship with clients advising on relationships and belonging to a governing body which requires a person to train and follow a set of ethical and moral guidelines to protect the client. Which then he would have to follow and be accountable for if he broke those ethics and guidelines.

    And yet he gives relationship advice. That feels bad to me

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:25am

  49. 49: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Woohoo Turq. See what some space can create.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:27am

  50. 50: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Cris ooolala

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:29am

  51. 51: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Indigo…thanks for your input. You are correct. It’s been 2 1/2 yrs and yes I’ve brought this up with him before. So…I don’t know.

    He sent me a text last night to let me know that they got there and were settled in and he said he knows how I feel and understands and he appologized again. He said it was hard for him to tell me cuz he knows Valentine’s Day is important to me and there’s never an easy way to break that you won’t be around. I went out with friends last night and I didn’t respond back to him. Maybe not the right thing to do but I wanted some time to myself. I did a bit of Circular Dating too while I was out. Played darts and made a few new friends. So the evening turned out ok. Of course now this morning I’m feeling a bit bummed but I may go to lunch with a friend. I don’t expect to hear from H til sometime next week probably.

    I also have the possibility of getting together with some friends tonight also. So I’m glad for being busy.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:55am

  52. 52: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW!

    The girls are skiing with their dad this weekend and it feels really good to know they are off having fun and I’m free to come and go as I please, make plans and just relax. :)

    I’m going to see Sweetheart for the first time today. I really want a face to face, not just texts and talking on the phone… To talk through some feelings, give us as a couple some closure, and see if there is true forgiveness in my heart to be friends. If it’s what I want.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:15am

  53. 53: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    prplpsn I have also seen Dominique suggest something to the effect that you should look seriously at the relationship to see if it is what you want. I have to admit that it feels really painful to me for the most part when you share about what is going. I find myself wondering why don’t you move on. It seems to me that he is clearly showing you how committed he is and I keep getting the sense that it is a go nowhere relationship. And I realize that is not what you want to hear yet all these disappointments is coming up for a reason. I hardly believe anything will change for him later as he has already established this kind of pattern with you. Sorry if this comes across as raining on your parade just that it seems to me that he is already getting what he wants, at least for now. The way I see it the only way things will change is if you change something. Then it might get worse before it gets any better. I would consider leaving if I were you unless of course this is what you want.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:19am

  54. 54: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise just remember that words don’t mean as much to men as they do to women.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:22am

  55. 55: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel soft, glowing and dreamlike. I feel confused. NewGuy is ooooo stepping up and I feel like I’m being claimed. I can feel his energy pouring into me and I let it in, I open up just a little and I feel gushing warm flowy feelings more through me and he reaches in more and I burst open some more. I don’t feel scared, I don’t feel tied up or icky.. its just mmmmmm and this feels surprising and my NVs want to put fear out as a protection.

    I let him stroke my hands, arms, face and neck for almost 2 hours, i felt love washing over me and bathed in it, soaked it in, I melted, into me, onto the couch and him. I let my body go limp and my thoughts drop down until I felt like a cat purring and I just received without doing anything.

    He picked me up and bought me a lotto ticket when I mentioned I had wanted to buy one earlier. He had flowers waiting for me. He cooked. We had dinner by candle light. We played games. He surprised me with a gucci heart and key necklace. We cuddled. He has given me his car until mine is fixed. He listens, he gets me, he talks about where he wants to take me, who he wants me to meet. He can feel me and he responds to me.

    And I feel so happy. I feel tears of love and joy spill out of me. I feel old guilt washing away, love for me is filling me up allowing me to open and accept each new gift. My nv’s didn’t want me to receive so much, don’t think I deserve this or that there’s a catch and I smiled at the them and melted and they melted too and tears flowed and I came, I lay in his arms fully clothed after turning down the hot tub with hot blushing cheeks and he stroked my face so gently and I came again. I don’t know what to think, I feel glorious.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:39am

  56. 56: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I feel the same way as you about Purple’s situation, Feminine Woman.

    Purple, it hurts me to read your updates on your relationship. I feel pain, because here is a man offering you words of apology, yet nothing ever seems to change.

    It feels painful because it would hurt me if my man went away for the weekend and I only heard from him some time the next week.

    This is me though, and I realize it may not be you.

    I just encourage you to really look at what FW and I have suggested – try your best to evaluate this relationship objectively to see if it is what you want, because I also don’t believe anything will change unless you change.

    (hugs)

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:40am

  57. 57: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    so good Kyla!!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:46am

  58. 58: TurtledoveNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone
    I need some help and inspiration, I’ll try and keep this brief. I was CDing but one man stood from the others not just because we connected but he was a good man, attentive, texting, calling, leading, paying. It was fabulous. We were also intimate and the other CDs had been crowded out by his enthusiasm.
    Then one day out of the blue, due to urgent family matters he left and went back to his own country, a different continent.
    He had planned a month holiday there but this was an urgent bringing forward of it. He has been in touch every single day, told me he loves me, skyped. But honestly doesn’t know for sure if he’s coming back. He’s been gone a month now, he’s enjoying being with his young adult children understandably after along time. He says after another couple of weeks he will make a decision whether to come back. He has asked me to just wait with him and see…
    Sometimes this has ok and sometimes not. The communication is not helped by time zone. I’m trying to continue to CD but finding it hard..
    I feel like I’m just waiting, hanging. I feel powerless, it feels like I wait on his every communication now..I don’t know how to find my way back to feeling good..
    I would love any ideas, suggestions, comments.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 11:15am

  59. 59: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    sounds awesome Kyla!!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 12:07pm

  60. 60: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I spent Valentine’s evening connecting with people living in NYC, but who are all from my home state. They’re all artists living life, creating and seeking in their own way. We drank red wine, & the men cooked amazing food and served it to all of us women. We danced, laughed and shared. As I was leaving I hugged the man I’m the closest to in the group. He told me to call him anytime. ..and that he’s my biggest fan.
    It was a Valentine’s that celebrated freedom, my personal, ever-evolving truth, strength, & my creative feminine spirit.
    It feels amazing.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 12:32pm

  61. 61: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy – 29 – Rori has allowed men now and then to post, yet she’s cautious around this because for the most part, most of the women here feel uncomfortable with this. So the posts are monitored, and if they are not ultimately blocked, they tend to leave on their own.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 12:35pm

  62. 62: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Purple – 50 – We’ve talked about this at length, here and off blog. It seems to keep being more of the same. YOU have been growing, shifting, changing, and though he has responded in a good feeling way at times, yet is it enough? Is this the relationship you dream of?

    xxoo

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 12:45pm

  63. 63: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so soft warm and wonderful Kyla letting what you expressed flow over me and through me as though… that’s possible for me too. I’m feeling sweet happiness that experiences like that exist and an anticipation for when it happens to me. Ooooohhhh I’m really looking forward to love again. I’m opening up to it and letting myself open my heart and my arms and my experiences and let the Universe surprise me. It feels so wonderful to read your post because it allows me to have a visual of something that feels good for me. Something I can see happening soon to me.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 1:56pm

  64. 64: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Everyone – I will be on holiday starting tomorrow, Sunday 16th (two day delay due to abysmal weather and flight cancellations), through the 24th.

    I will be checking in daily as much as I can. If you need me or want me, it will be easier to reach me via email. Please feel free.

    dominique@sexandheart.com

    I feel SO thankful for respite from this awful, awful winter.

    Love to you all.

    xxoo

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 3:46pm

  65. 65: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I was feeling really bummed out about the new guy I just met and his clueless behavior (not paying for dinner when he asked me to eat and then asking me out on vday, same day, for that night to a place I had told him I didn’t like, ughh) but now I just feel like too bad, ho-hum, boring!!!

    Have a great vacation Dominique!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 4:14pm

  66. 66: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Enjoy Dominique.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 4:26pm

  67. 67: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    This is my favorite part of Rori’s post :

    “My opinion is that you’re gorgeous, lovely, sexy, universally-accepted-beyond-words lovable and desirable, and my opinion is that wherever you love you, so does everyone and everything else, and even where you do not love you, and hold the opinion that no one else could possibly love this piece in you if you don’t, well, actually…everyone and everything else does love you.”

    : )

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:38pm

  68. 68: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, Dominique, that is awesome. Thank you for supporting us all! :-)

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:39pm

  69. 69: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Leigha – Hi! Yeah, I loved that, too :-)

    This morning, I heard a piece of a cool radio program, where they were talking about happiness. Basically, the research this guy did showed that, for anyone of any economic/social/whatever level, their degree of happiness was directly connected to how engaged, focused and present they felt in any given moment. In other words, being distracted, or thinking about other things led to less happiness.

    He went on to say that he didn’t have an answer as to how to achieve this exactly. But I think we do! It seems to me that that is what “practicing the tools” is all about – it’s about engaging us in the present moment with what is right here in front of us.

    Of course, this is incredibly hard for me to do. I have a strong, detailed memory that makes the past very present, with just the slightest hint of a trigger. I have an active imagination that easily and effortlessly conjures up images of a possible future. I see these things laid over the present moment. But I do feel that, on some level, they are distracting. They also feel like an “escape” at times. If I escape to the past or the future, then I just hope that the present moment will take care of itself. It might, it might not. The actual truth is probably the opposite: being present, and attending to what is Right Here, Right Now, will more or less mean that the past and the future will sort themselves out accordingly.

    Argh. More work to do. My present needs some help…

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:51pm

  70. 70: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    In the present, my tummy hurts. Lol

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:52pm

  71. 71: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    OMG, so funny, I just stumbled on the Other Messages link on FB and found a message there from someone I met a year ago at a bar! We had a blast dancing together, he was a great couples dancer, and we were so in sync with each other on the dance floor. It was so much fun!!! Anyway, he wanted me to come home with him, which I didn’t, and so I figured he just wanted to get laid and didn’t think much of it. Also, it was right after the breakup and I was a total mess anyway. But wow was he a cutie and so sexy! Anyway, I just messaged him back after a year, too funny! He’s a lot younger than I so don’t really take it too seriously but it made my day! hahahahaha!!! So check your Other Messages folder, you never know what you mind there, ladies! Actually, now that I think about it, I have no idea how he found me since I hadn’t given him my last name and we didn’t exchange any info…that’s a weird thought. :/

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 5:55pm

  72. 72: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Sirens!
    Update!
    my valentines day was okay. I spent it cherishing myself, manicure, long nap, then went to see my nieces and wish them happy v-day. Then my family decided that it would be fun to light a fire in our huge fire pit, and all hang out together. it was my mom, my step dad, sister and her husband, and their two daughters plus me. We had a blast! T couldn’t be there (he was invited but it was very last minute) but that was okay because we were still in contact via text. He apologised for not being able to make it, made a point to say he really wished he could be there (he gets on well with my sister and her husband)
    Then today he took me out to dinner.He brought me a sweet vday card and chocolates! He picked me up! This is big because I live 20 minutes from anywhere! Plus we got to take the convertable, my hair was a sexy wreck by the time we arrived at the restaurant. So we had dinner, and then it is my night to feed all of the horses where I board and he helped me with that! And the cool thing is, he really was a help! Usually when people help, it turns out not to be that much help, lol. I had a great afternoon, and i may meet up with him tonight after a bday party for one of my friends. Just a little (HUGE) side note. (T) very casually dropped the bomb over dinner that he no longer wants to be involved with the ‘other’ woman he has been seeing since we broke up in late September. He only wants to be with me, and is in the process of extricating himself from that relationship. I smiled, and melted and gave him a huge hug, and told him thank you. I feel like a GODDESS!
    Thank you so much to Rori for putting together a program that has taught me how to receive love not just from men, but from everyone.
    Thank you Dominique and Helena for all of your great advice and helpful ‘tweaks’
    Thank you to all of the Sirens for making this a special, safe and fun place to share all of my insecurities as well as my triumphs
    Lastly, thank you to myself, for having the courage to accept all of these gifts.
    Love to you all,
    Amber

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 6:31pm

  73. 73: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Just a side note, I just checked my tarot card for the day and it is the ten of cups. For those who dont tarot this card represents ‘emotional fulfillment, love to share, ecstacy, happy home, blessed union, idealization, extended family, country living’
    Really couldn’t have summed up my day better!
    Cheers!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 6:41pm

  74. 74: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, i’m in moderation…

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 6:42pm

  75. 75: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Amber, that sounds AMAZING!! :-) Whoo for you! : )

    LL – good call about the “other messages.” I should check that!!

    Ladies I am in a bit of shock. Like in an amazing, floaty, whoa-I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened shock.

    So, today, I was noticing that, even though M is really liking me, and it’s great and sweet and I feel so loved, I kept thinking of S. and I reminded myself about being “in the moment,” wanting to appreciate what I have. But I also wanted to get the feelings out. I wrote everything in a sexy letter, which I never even planned to send. Just saved it, watched some comedy & got ready for bed. I feel so grateful for this day, this week, this life. M texted me good night.

    And then I was on my phone and – holy crap. I got two texts from S!! I can hardly believe it. That’s why I am in shock. I’ve been feeling so connected with him still, but refusing to contact him (again) and embarrass myself. And believing but partly not sure if he would ever contact me again.

    I mean, for all I know, it’s nothing. He could have a girlfriend, maybe. I shouldn’t expect anything. I did say, last time I contacted him that I wanted to be friends.

    It feels really nice to hear from him. I was tempted to write to him all week/weekend and I didn’t. He still turns me on, massively when I think about him. I know he makes me feel good, physically, and I also know that’s important to me.

    I won’t respond until tomorrow. I need my beauty sleep. But just so nice, and so surprising to hear from him. Wow.

    I feel delicious….

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:43pm

  76. 76: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    It went well with Sweetheart today. He reaches out most days, was good to have a face to face and feel like the door is closed on us as a couple. It was harder than I thought… Lots of tears, but I feel better. We do love each other, became such good friends, so hard to walk away from that. So, for now at least, we are going to be friends. I love his family, they love me… Just a hard situation. We all miss each other.

    But, that said… I am really focused on moving forward and am cleaning out one night stand and the his walk in closet in my room. I found all my love letters from C (ex husband) in the nightstand. They are now safely tucked away in a hat box in my closet. I’m making space for the man who will become a serious part of my life. I am letting go of all that does not serve me, and creating space. It’s time to really open myself up.

    I waited 3 months to sleep with sweetheart, as if that made it safe to trust someone and that I couldn’t get hurt. The truth is, you can always get hurt… Even protecting yourself, you can still get hurt. I’m done holding it in and being afraid to really feel and express my emotions. I’m going to love BIG from now on, and just melt.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 7:51pm

  77. 77: Helena HartNo Gravatar says:

    Amber – 70 – Wow!!! That’s amazing, I’m so happy to hear things are going so well for you! :)

    Love, Helena

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:18pm

  78. 78: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise-
    I absolutely love that you are making space in your heart and home. I feel so excited for you!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:21pm

  79. 79: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    Helena-
    Thank you so much for all of your love and support. I feel so excited for our teleclass tomorrow night!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:27pm

  80. 80: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Amber. I’ve got sooo much boy energy, feels great being productive and clearing out the clutter in my room. It needs some TLC. :)

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:50pm

  81. 81: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    I had to drive an hour to pick up my little one, she was hurting and didn’t want to ski anymore. I’m glad I had date night last night! So, good time to work on my bedroom…. I swear these clothes just multiply!! Lol

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:52pm

  82. 82: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Amber, I don’t know your whole story, but I love your update! Very happy for you!

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 8:54pm

  83. 83: Helena HartNo Gravatar says:

    Amber – 76 – You’re welcome!! It feels SO great to hear about everyone’s successes. I’m excited for the next teleclass too! The next one is actually on Tuesday the 18th. Here’s where you can find the schedule:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/effortlessly-attract-love-program/

    Send me an email with your questions or anything you’d like me to cover and I’ll be sure to add it to the material. :)

    Love, Helena

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:40pm

  84. 84: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like I am really learning the meaning of self-love this year.

    Loving wherever I find myself, loving whatever feelings come up, loving however I respond, loving the things that I do, even loving the part of myself that wants to be hard on myself, loving the way my life is turning out, even the painful parts.

    I feel swimming in love for myself, and I think this is something you can only fully experience if you have experienced pain.

    I love the self-care I am putting into place in my life. Despite anything that happens, I feel calm. There are deep waters of tranquility beneath. And I love this more than I can say. My journey towards love from a man has really been a journey towards love and acceptance from myself. And it feels good.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 9:57pm

  85. 85: Helena HartNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 81 – That is BEAUTIFUL!!! I love the idea of loving every part of ourselves, even the parts that are self-critical or painful.

    Love, Helena

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 10:03pm

  86. 86: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I was thoroughly spoilt on Valentine’s Day. The day before, Blue sent a gorgeous potted orchid to my office, along with some of my favourite chocolates. He sent it to cheer me up and there were no expectations attached to it, which really felt sweet and good.

    On Valentine’s night B came to pick me up with a HUGE bunch of roses and daisies, and a big heart-shaped box of chocolates, and took me to a valentine’s picnic dinner under the stars where they were screening “The Holiday”. It was so wonderful and tranquil, and I felt very special.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 10:04pm

  87. 87: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I hope your vacation is very uplifting and restful, Dominique. Enjoy the warmth!

    xx

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 10:05pm

  88. 88: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Helena :) it feels very good.

    Saturday, 15 February 2014 @ 10:06pm

  89. 89: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I LOVE this from the article:

    “It’s a message of love.

    Don’t try to decode it.

    If you don’t like what it looks like, just slather on the love all over yourself, and catch the next thought, feeling, insight, bit of fluff that’s full of love and just might look and feel better.”

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 5:00am

  90. 90: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, I hope you have a wonderful vacation! Thank you for always being here to support us!

    Indigo, your Valentine’s Day sounds wonderful!

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 7:29am

  91. 91: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies…. I bagged up 4 huge garbage bags of clothes and a bag of trash…. And still have stuff to go through. I feel guilty to have accumulated soooo much that I don’t even use. I got rid of some clothes i have been holding on for when I lose weight…. Dumb. When I lose weight, I’m going to want new things that are current… So most if that went! I’m having a girls night next Saturday, including a sleepover, so I need to tackle the spare room this week, which has become the catch all…. But I feel motivated and determined. It’s good to have something physical to do. I have do much on my mind… Keeping busy helps.

    I think I could really really like new guy… Who I’m naming Piano Man, he sang it Friday night and I totally melted… Singing is a talent I wish I had and really admire. It’s kind of a joke though with my friends, that I really wanted a man who can sing, so now to find one… And this is silly I know… But it makes me like him MORE. I’m relieved to find, especially so soon after sweetheart that I can be interested in someone new. It feels a little scary, and normally I would just push that in…. But I’m laying in bed feeling my way through and telling myself it’s ok to feel scared. This is why we date, to get to know people better, it’s ok to be nervous getting close to a new person.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 7:40am

  92. 92: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana,

    About S, I think there are certain people we just have that connection with, and it really doesn’t go away completely. There are certain times Me. Conversation looks at me or says something and I still feel that spark. I know we wouldn’t be a good couple… But I see it, feel it, and just enjoy it. He’s still in my life, may always be… And I know he feels it too.

    You know how I feel about my ex-husband, we had such a passionate marriage, maintained a sexual relationship off and on for years…. And I definitely still feel the electricity between us at times. But, I just enjoy those little moments and then move forward. I want someone new to feel that with. Someone who would be a great relationship for me. It’s really easy for me to get sucked into the what ifs of old relationships…. But I’m trying to just enjoy that fleeting moment and then turn my attention to new possibilities. :)

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 7:51am

  93. 93: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Turquoise :)

    Your girls sleepover sounds like such a lot of fun, yay! You sound so great, so vulnerable and optimistic.

    x

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 7:52am

  94. 94: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I feel confused and frustrated with myself.

    Some days I feel happy with what I have. And I’m slathering love on myself no matter what I feel like in the relationship.

    Is what I have enough for me?
    That is the big question.

    I know he loves me very much. And I know that often he is rubbish at showing it.

    But so often, how I feel in the relationship depends on how he is showing his love.

    I guess I need to get clear on my must-haves and deal-breakers.

    Or is love enough? Aaaaagh, I feel exhausted with this dilemma.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 10:30am

  95. 95: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to a fun wine tasting event today. Weather is beautiful. Wearing my new form fitting gray dress, little tight but why not, and new black heels, and maybe a black, red, green, gray ikat scarf!

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 10:31am

  96. 96: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Must-have no.1
    * A man who puts my feelings before his own comfort.

    Must-have no.2
    * Clear and easy communication. We ‘get’ each other.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 10:33am

  97. 97: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose,

    I FEEL you so much. I identify with your situation so much.

    I was thinking this morning that so often relationships are there to teach us, to help us become more of ourselves, even though the learning may not feel so good, or even painful. That they ultimately help us heal and blossom into a more awakened, magnificent version of ourselves, and that this is sometimes the missing puzzle piece as to why we are still in them, even though we can’t quite understand it. I believe love is the glue that holds us there while we learn.

    That is my theory anyway.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 10:36am

  98. 98: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Liquid Light,

    I want to feel like I imagine you feel when you are wearing those gorgeous outfits you describe.
    I want to feel fresh and confident, secure in myself, and excited about what I am about to discover.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 10:44am

  99. 99: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh,
    Indigo, thank you so much.
    Firstly I heaved in a huge breath of air and gratitude to be understood by you. To know that you know what I mean, that I don’t have to clarify or explain, and that you have experienced the same feelings. Wow, that feels soooo soothing.

    Secondly “Love is the glue that holds us in the relationship while we learn..” with those words I am feeling an even deeper, more profound breath. I feel the life force enter my body as I open my heart and lungs to take in more air, as if the air were made of love and understanding, and glimmers and sparkles and ‘a-ha’ and hope.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 10:50am

  100. 100: CrisNo Gravatar says:

    @April Rose, I can only say what I am realizing… being with a good man that loves you, the journey through gratitude and minimal expectations is a long long journey, but a thrilling journey if you keep your eyes open and observe the minimal changes that occurr. It is also tiring sometimes ..
    patience is needed. Or… leaving the boat
    xoxo

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 11:07am

  101. 101: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling nervous and shaky.

    After a couple of days trying to understand what I need in this non-contact with LastCD, I finally managed to find the words. I struggled with the idea of needing clarity/trusting my instinct and that being leaning forward. I could change ‘define what is going on with us’ to ‘I may have misunderstood what you said/meant – could you help me?’ – this felt very sireny, I felt like I was evolving. It feels free and honest, not twisty. He he turning no contact into practice – yay. I’ll be watching my feelings after this.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 11:21am

  102. 102: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((April Rose))))

    Yes. That is exactly what it feels like for me too.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 11:26am

  103. 103: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica,

    I am glad no contact is turning into a time to get deeper in touch with your feelings.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 11:28am

  104. 104: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks April Rose, that was so nice of you to say that!!! I got a lot of compliments about my red shoes, I decided to wear them instead of the black ones. It was fun and I ran into golf guy which was a bit awkward as I hadn’t heard from him since we went golfing. (I ranted on here a few weeks back about him and others.) Anyway, his friend chastised him (I think) for not following up with me and so now golf guy wants to take me out to a movie. Too funny! Anyway, it was a fun time all in all.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 6:20pm

  105. 105: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Yes April Rose 95 on a good day, that’s exactly how I feel. Today was a good day! :)

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 6:21pm

  106. 106: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, thanks for sharing that about your ex & ex-husband. That’s good perspective. I don’t know if the connection can ever be more than just physical.

    Right now, it sounds like S would like to see me when I visit back there in the spring for my friend’s wedding. And that is a complete 180 from about 6 weeks ago. But he said it himself – he can change his mind.

    Meanwhile, I saw M tonight. I went to his house and met some of his friends. Then he took me out to dinner and bought me some special groceries (Indian food ; ). Later he said his friends said nice things about me. He said, again, that he likes me. It feels more real that way. He hasn’t tried to kiss me at all yet, still. But he likes doing things for me. He likes spending time with me. And I noticed tonight that I’m not even wondering “where it’s going.” I’m just curious & enjoying the ride.

    I know everything would always feel good with S. I wonder if that is just fantasy. If I do see him in Cali when I go back, I don’t want to cheat on anyone (M or another guy). If I’m single I’ll probably see him. But M is just being so nice and so sweet. I can tell that he really likes me. And I just would never want to hurt him like that.

    But right now, it’s all in limbo. That moment is 10 weeks away. I don’t know how I will feel then or what will be happening. So I may as well concentrate on right now…

    Xox

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 7:38pm

  107. 107: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    oh wow.

    LastCD opened up about what was going on for him. So many lessons for me. He was unsure about us, even about us continuing to see each other. He was going to tell me. He didn’t feel that interested in pursuing a relationship with me. So now I know what that whole sudden silence is all about from a man’s perspective. I feel relieved and of course slightly disappointed. It’s also quite sobering how a man can want to be intimate with you (and really want that) and change his mind completely by the next day – well, actually it feels chilling. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again. So many lessons here for me.

    Sunday, 16 February 2014 @ 8:29pm

  108. 108: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    So two weeks ago, my ex promised our daughter a day snowtubing. He sabotaged it with the whole “if you don’t behave, we won’t go” business. It feels like she’s being set up to fail, because she’s only 7.

    So, yesterday, he finally took her. The first time, I was invited to go, because he was supposedly reconsidering the breakup at the time. Then he got nasty in between and completely retreated to his room and hasn’t come out unless everyone else was not out.

    So they were getting ready, and out of the blue, about 5 minutes before they left, he was like, “well, are you coming?” I said, “I didn’t know I was still invited.” He snapped at me, “Why wouldn’t you be still invited? I Invited you, you’re invited,” and stormed out.

    I hmmed and hawed, but finally decided to go, mostly for our daughter’s sake.

    Hilariously, I noticed that he has started using feeling messages, lol! He says to our daughter, “I love it when you say ‘thank you’ to me.” He used them several times in different places.

    It was also interesting that he approached me about going, because I pretty much expected him to take the opportunity to go without me.

    I got myself some movies to watch for the evening. I watched one and he asked me how it was. I answered, and he said he would watch it that night (alone in his room). Now, at one point, that would have offended and pissed me off.

    This time… I felt relief. He KNOWS that normally that would have hurt me; and I’m absolutely certain (from the look on his face and a few other indicators–you can see him waiting and hoping for a reaction) that he did it intentionally because the snowtubing went well (I was courteous, maybe even friendly, but I ignored him if he didn’t say anything to me).

    He does one of two things, which goes to show that my feeling that I can’t win is accurate, lol. He sabotages things that go well, and he punishes me if they don’t.

    So anyway, just thought it was very interesting that he sort of half demanded that I go with them, and even more interesting that he’s using feeling statements (even if they don’t start with ‘i feel’). Yet more interesting that it sort of looks like he’s feeling terrified of feeling anything for me, even for a single day, and trying to sabotage it…

    Ineffectively, in part because he has done such an effective job of alienating me that I no longer want him around me, and it didn’t hurt that he deliberately made a point of NOT watching a movie with me.

    So manipulative and petty. I feel rather amused. He looked to me like a little boy yesterday. It all felt so childish and I was so uninterested. Slightly irritated instead of feeling rejected and angry.

    HUGE improvement in myself, and interesting changes in him.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 4:25am

  109. 109: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose, your must have # 1 concerns me a little… If a man always has to consider our feelings despite his own comfort… Won’t he grow uneasy and uncomfortable in the relationship? I’m just imagining trying to do that for someone else and it makes me feel queasy, like I couldn’t live up to that. What do you think?

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 5:21am

  110. 110: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Sounds great T, live in the moment for sure!!!

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 5:26am

  111. 111: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica, I understand completely…. Chilling is a very accurate word. Hugs to you. I always feel it’s better to know so we can move forward.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 5:38am

  112. 112: AndreaNo Gravatar says:

    I went out on the town with my best girlfriends Saturday night. And I’m starting to notice how I sabotage my own siren nature.
    One of my friends is absolutely gorgeous. Petite, blonde, and a natural Siren. She has always naturally used I feel statements, and she just pours all over people.. all people, not just men, in a genuine, caring, wonderful way. People come alive around her. As a matter of fact she looks physically like Rori.

    I adore her. I love her to bits. But I’m also so very jealous. Men trip over themselves to be near her. Men that have in the past shown interest in me, as soon as she enters the picture, they have no more time for me and fawn over her. She is not a flirt. She’s just so authentic, in the moment, and firy.
    But I totally shut down.

    When men approach I just automatically assume that they are interested in her and so I don’t open my heart. I’m not curious about them. I don’t offer my smile in any other way than… “I’m the dumpy side kick and yes, I’ll answer any questions you have about my friend.”

    Ugh. It feels awful. It feels competitive. I feel like I’m cutting off my relationship with her because of jealousy and I feel like a whole night of flirting and fun is lost because of this darkness that lurks inside of me.

    I was so irritated with myself on Saturday night that I sabotaged a real chance to show my heart to a man. About six months ago I met this extremely handsome, tall, dark man. He is a professor and had just moved to our town. He always approaches me. I have never started our conversations.

    Well, I was telling my gf, I think it’s time to go home. She was my ride. She had met a man though and really wanted to stay at the club. Right behind me, this big man shows up, just out of the blue.

    He says, “Oh Andrea. I can take you home. You’re ready right now?”

    I hadn’t even seen him come in. But he must have come in and bee lined straight for me. (flattering) I told him thanks, hugged my gf, and he and I left the club together.

    And then I was an absolute bear. A grump. A bully. And I pretended like all I was interested in with him was just a tepid friendship.

    He started to tell me something about his dad. I interrupted him and said, “M! Listen, your little “feel sorry for me” lines might work on other women, but I’m just not interested in all of that tonight.”

    He was flabbergasted and angry. He said, “What!?? I’m trying to share something with you here and you just think I”m trying to get into your pannies??”

    Oddly though, instead of taking me straight home after that he asked if I was interested in a little after midnight snack at Perkins. So we went to Perkins and drank coffee and ate eggs and hash browns, and I snarked at him…
    “You know.. You’re paying for this right? I didn’t ask to come here.”

    Even as I was being such a creep to him, I kept thinking… OMG Andrea, stop it!! What has this guy ever done to you except be extremely nice. Sheesh….

    I totally ruined it. When he dropped me off, I have no idea how we ended up in a quazi lip lock. But I think he was trying to prove a point or something. Then I got out and left. Didn’t even thank him.

    I feel bad. I don’t know if I’m attracted to this guy or not. But I do know that I had every opportunity to practice the siren way and I totally blew it. He’s actually a very wonderful and extremely handsome man. But I think that coming off of a night where a lot of men were completely ignoring me and paying lots of attention to my friend made me very prickly and bitter and just plain ugly. I seriously doubt that “M” will ever contact me or approach me again. I feel bad about it. I feel like I failed. Ugh!

    And, strangely, the dancer CD that I thought was going to start something with me, has been back in town for at least three days now and still no contact. I’m curious about that as well. Probably it would have been awkward to call me on V-Day weekend. But at least some text or something saying, “I’m home, how are you?” Would have been nice. boo.

    Also, I found out that my ex tried to contact my gf through facebook over the holidays and asked her if she would get together with him over lunch apparently to “discuss” our break up. Thankfully my gf is very classy and loves me. She told him, “Anything you need to discuss can be discussed with Andrea. Please don’t contact me again.”

    It just hurt that even through our 18 month relationship… even he was hoping he could be with my gf instead of me. (at least that’s what it feels like right now) mmmmmm booooo… I feel bummed. I feel like giving up. I feel tired and hopeless.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 5:54am

  113. 113: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea I think you showed that guy who took you to Perkins that you are a real person. Warts and all. Your story reminded me of the book Why Men Like Bitches or something to that effect. I believe he will be back. He seems to have been attracted to something there otherwise why would he have kissed you.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:08am

  114. 114: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea I think you showed that guy who took you to Perkins that you are a real person. Warts and all. Your story reminded me of the book Why Men Like Bit!ches or something to that effect. I believe he will be back. He seems to have been attracted to something there otherwise why would he have kissed you.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:09am

  115. 115: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 103 – (((((Thank you)))))

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:12am

  116. 116: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise – 111 – I feel teary to read your comforting words, it’s as though there’s a soft place for me. Thank you.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:14am

  117. 117: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea, that is a perfect opportunity, if he does contact you again, to use feeling messages. “You know, after you dropped me off at home the other night, I felt so terrible. I felt like a big jerk because I was feeling so jealous of my friend. I felt so prickly that I couldn’t seem to notice the pleasure I was feeling in being treated so nicely.”

    Even if you don’t want to be with him, at least it’s a chance to practice what you’d do if you did this to someone whom you know you did want a relationship with.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:19am

  118. 118: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    My stuff’s coming out – I feel spooked and shivery all over and inside. I feel discarded. I feel so spooked that a man can just change like that. I want to run away, I don’t want to interact with men. I feel ‘oh no trapped’ feelings. I want romantic interactions to be a conversation, not me directing and him ‘fitting in’ – that feels so dubious. I feel so spooked, I don’t want to be around people who can switch like that, that scares me. There’s no care in that, I want to be around men who are caring EVEN if they do not have feelings for me. I feel freaked out. Breathe.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:25am

  119. 119: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica, I think it’s important to remember that this was THIS guy.

    If I can be really honest with you, and I don’t want to interrupt your trigger, since we know they’re good for us, but I would like to say something about men.

    All too often, we forget that they’re not all exactly alike. There are many wonderful men out there.

    We women… we find the men that can trip our triggers sometimes. It’s like we have man-radar… THIS guy will do something to spook the he** out of me. Yo, dude, let’s date!

    Now, men can be as wishy-washy as women. But not all men are, and many men, once they commit, will give it their all and stick like a burr (and you may one day find one of those and wish to GOD that you could shake him off!).

    So I feel that it’s a good time to remind yourself that, this was THIS fellow. This fellow doesn’t represent all men everywhere in their totality. Don’t swear off men because you found one that triggered you.

    This man did this. MEN don’t necessarily do that. In fact, Rori has said before, “Men don’t want to leave” and she says in the Sirens program that men WANT to crash themselves on your shore (as a generalization). THIS ONE didn’t… but that’s just this one.

    To translate that into “men do this” is unfair to men. More importantly? It’s unfair to you.

    Note to self: Yeah, Shannon. Re-read what you just wrote, cause you have done this, too. :p

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 6:33am

  120. 120: kylaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((andrea)))) I had a similar feeling scenario with drwho a few weeks back, i felt like a jerk after. Its great that you know what your trigger was though!

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 8:18am

  121. 121: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon 108,

    Oh I felt myself smiling internally and nodding as I read this post of yours.

    This is very much what my ex D was like – sabotaging things if they went well, and punishing me if they didn’t. Endless push-pull controlling games that make you feel like you’re losing your mind. He used to be able to get a rise out of me every time with little things like what your ex did with the movie.

    Eventually, as you say, you just lose interest and feel bored by it. It ceases to pull on you and you start to ignore it instead.

    So interesting. I’ve also seen subtle little changes in the way my ex communicates with me (yes, he still communicates with me) but I am absolutely DETERMINED not to get sucked in and go back to that game-playing place. I have found love for me and that is worth everything.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 8:18am

  122. 122: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Andrea, he’ll be back…the kiss at the end of the night says it all. You showed your humanity to him and that’s attractive even if it isn’t always pretty. :)

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 9:09am

  123. 123: Helena HartNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – 108 – Sounds like a big improvement, yay!!! Feeling amused and turned off by his behavior sounds much better than getting pulled into his drama.

    Love, Helena

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 9:52am

  124. 124: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling a bit low.
    The gentleman I went out with last wknd, the one who used to date my friend, hasn’t contacted me.
    Mechanic, who comments on my posts, likes them, likes my photos, text me, but not in a romantic way. I want to see him, but he must not want to see me and I’m wondering why. I want to ask. I’m curious to know why there is distance. I want his insight. But I don’t know how to word it….so I don’t ask. Because if I do, it means I’m expecting something and I’m not getting it, hence asking would be acknowledging the absence of it. Asking would also be making things about me, and it’s not about me. I’m not important in his life, so why is his opinion important to me? I shouldn’t care.

    I think the guy who I went out with on Valentines is into me…..but I have no romantic feelings for him.
    I almost feel like….why can’t the cute, young guy be into me instead of the dorky old guy?

    I do feel more aware of my patterns though and I feel change happening, slowly.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 10:18am

  125. 125: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon… Thank you for the reminder to not generalize all men.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 10:39am

  126. 126: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Helena.

    You’re welcome, Turquoise. I needed the reminder, too!

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 11:20am

  127. 127: LynnNo Gravatar says:

    Hi. Today, for the time I actually stopped and read your words. I wish I had paid attention sooner. My would be guy has gone from total communication to none, and I don’t know if this can be fixed, but do like to try. Now what?

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 1:26pm

  128. 128: AmazedNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens..been a long time posting but have been keeping up. :-) I have a question…how do I approach my friend who I used to have a bf/gf relationship with but now am friends with benefits about being more? Long story short…he went away, didn’t contact me for a month and came back expecting to pick up where we left off. I was already circular dating by this point so I could forget about him. Kind of backfired since the guy I was then seeing was very intense, wanted more than I could give, talking marriage…but I felt bad when I was with him. Anyway I ended up becoming relationship shy and got in contact with my ex again. I told him I couldn’t do relationship esp with the current bf and just wanted to be FWB right now. So that was a couple months ago and I want to be his…and if he doesn’t then I will have to let him go. I want to have a speech ready or at least a couple lines…lol How about…I felt I only wanted to be FWB with you but now I realize my feelings go much deeper than friends. What do you think?
    Then I guess I will have to make a choice depending on what he says…I will start to circular date again and let him know what I’m doing. As I’m writing this I am wondering what do I feel I will accomplish with this..I feel anxious that he will say he can only be FWB. I realized about a month ago I love him but would never tell him this…or should I? Sigh…I’m torn…please help!

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 4:42pm

  129. 129: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    It’s a tough one, Amazed.

    Basically, I would simply say, “It feels bad having sex with someone I’m not exclusive with. It feels worse having sex with someone I’m not even dating. I don’t want to put pressure on what we have here, and it feels wonderful to spend time with you, but I want to do it without having sex. What do you think?”

    If he says, great, let’s just be friends, then; I would say, “It has felt wonderful being your friend, but being just a friend doesn’t feel good to me. I’m enjoying exploring my options right now, and I’m enjoying spending time with you, too.” Then anything about, “well, I don’t want to be in a relationship with you,” or “i’m not ready for that kind of commitment” or whatever, reply with, “I don’t feel ready for that, either.”

    Let him either say that he doesn’t want to date, or he does want to date. Leave it up to him… but make it clear that:

    1. I don’t want to have sex when we’re not exclusive.
    2. I don’t want to have sex when we’re not even dating.
    3. I’d like to date you, but I would NOT like to just be friends.

    This is pretty clear. It allows him to say he wants to date, or to say he doesn’t want to date.

    Remember, whether you think you love him or not, you’re NOT ready to be with him in an exclusive relationship. Because he is NOT dating you, he’s just a friend (with bennies). So don’t fall straight into a relationship; he has to show you that he can DO relationship under YOUR new paradigm.

    Monday, 17 February 2014 @ 5:09pm

  130. 130: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    So, this is a new one… M was texting me during the day yesterday, and I could tell he really wanted to ask me something. Then he would just say “never mind.” Ok. Finally, he asked me if I want a “serious” relationship “in the future.”

    I kind of wish he had just asked “do you want a relationship?” That’s a question I can answer. Because the truth is, I don’t want a relationship “in the future.” Or maybe I do. But what’s true is that the future never arrives. We arrive into it and it becomes the present. This moment, right now, is the future to our former selves. I can’t make a decision for my future self. All I can do is answer for what I want right now, which will become the future.

    I wanted to share all this with him, but I refrained. I did ask him to call me in the evening so I could get some more clarification and we spent some time on the phone. Too much time, actually. After an hour, I started to say that I had to go, but I never finished. I stayed on the phone for another half hour then felt bad about it. I already had all the information I need.

    The man needs time. He likes me, obviously. He is thinking about a relationship with me. And when I asked “what does a long-term relationship mean to you,” he said “forever.” Good answer. So you can’t rush forever. I would approach it one moment at a time. Say, “ok, I don’t know what ‘forever’ looks like until I get there, but I’m willing to start with right now and see where it goes.”

    What I don’t want is to be a “pretend” girlfriend while he decides what he wants. But I don’t think he is playing games. I think he really just wants to be sure. And I can’t complain, because I would want him to be sure, too. It will mean more.

    And he still hasn’t even tried to kiss me. So the fact that he is thinking all this before getting physical means a lot to me. It means his thoughts are about more than just getting in my pants. And that feels good.

    Meanwhile, S’s thoughts are ONLY about getting into my pants. That feels good in a different way.

    When it comes right down to it, I know that I would always choose the “relationship” – with someone who cares about me – over some hot sex. But hot d*mn, S did feel good to me. I won’t easily forget that…

    M is so sweet, though. He has nice friends, and he also does nice things to help in his community. He seems like a genuine guy, and I trust him more that he is taking his time.

    I guess I am just going to lean back and stay in Siren mode and see what happens… I feel both of their energies flowing toward me. S is more “sex” and M is more “love.” We will just have to see what happens next…

    Tuesday, 18 February 2014 @ 5:02am

  131. 131: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Terena I have to admit that what you are writing about M is things I have read in Bob Grant’s newsletters about what men do when they are in love with you and wanting a relationship. Him saying “nevermind” is a fear of rejection based reaction. I think it is a good thing you refreained because it seems very up in your head. I would take the fact that he hasn’t kissed you as a clear sign that he doesn’t want just a fling. My question is do you feel like leaning forward and kissing him at any time that you have been with him? Also have you shared that in any way?

    Tuesday, 18 February 2014 @ 7:04am

  132. 132: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    J asked me out for a second date for today, and I didn’t hear from him til 1pm, so I said I was free for dinner. Now he texts me he’s so sad he can’t see me all afternoon. I want to tell him he didn’t ask me til 1, what did he expect! How do I respond to that?

    Tuesday, 18 February 2014 @ 1:30pm

  133. 133: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Violette, he sounds kind of needy, lol. Which is sort of good… you’ve got him hungering for you.

    I’d make it very simple, “I’m feel excited about seeing you this evening” or however you’re feeling, and ignore his needy complaint, lol. Bless his heart, that’s great that he wants to see you so badly!

    Tuesday, 18 February 2014 @ 1:37pm

  134. 134: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lynn – at the risk of looking like I’m trying to “sell” you something – just get the ebook. Practice every Tool in it on every person you come in contact with…and see if the communication with THIS man magically reappears and goes deeper once you have these new skills. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 18 February 2014 @ 3:37pm

  135. 135: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – 119 – Please don’t worry about being honest with me – it is very much welcome : ) And thank you for your kindness, I wish I could hug you. I agree – to say that all men do this is unfair. But I must say that this sentence: “This man did this.” comforts and calms me down and certainly brings me back to me and what I want.
    I felt spooked because I didn’t lean forward, I let him lead and so his amorous advances and then sudden withdrawal don’t make sense to me, in the sense that I didn’t chase him or ‘try to make things happen’. And he told me that he was looking for a serious relationship (not with me, just in general) before we went on a date. But yeah, this is him and what he did, and I’m okay with that. Just spooked by that sudden turn and trying to stay open and warm, for myself. It’s tempting to want to protect myself and put up walls – I can feel shame and ‘oh no’ feelings at the edges, but I also feel resolute about not wanting to feel bad about how I was in all this.

    Wednesday, 19 February 2014 @ 7:38am

  136. 136: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    You know, Veronica, maybe you scared the ever-loving heck out of him. Maybe he realized, on a deep level, that a relationship with you would mean real intimacy and just couldn’t handle it.

    Of course, it could just be that he has bad taste, too.

    It’s all just idle speculation, really…

    So pick the explanation that feels best to you. :)

    Wednesday, 19 February 2014 @ 11:27am

  137. 137: LexieNo Gravatar says:

    Hello ladies,

    I have a question. I just recently got married to a man that I adore. We have had a really rocky relationship and got married after only dating for about 9 months. When we first got together he wasn’t over his ex and sent her messages telling her he loved her and wanted them and their daughter to be a family again. I was devastated when I found these messages and broke it off. He called me everyday telling me how what he said to her wasn’t true but that he was just trying to win at a game they had been playing for years. The game was trying to see who could hurt who the most and he claimed he was just trying to get her to say she wanted him back so he would feel better about his ego. He pleaded for me to come back and sent her a message saying he loved me and was done playing games with her and wanted to marry me. I gave in came back and married him. Now I have deep feelings of insecurity.

    He acts very loving attentive and affectionate but I still get all these feelings of panic and heartbreak when he has to communicate with her. They have a child together and I know it’s necessary but I feel like my head will spin off when I know they’ve talked. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I’ve read the book and practice the tools but I can’t shake this devastating feeling of insecurity. I feel like a second choice. I feel like someone there to get him over her. On top of all that, he has masturbated twice that I know of when I was home and didn’t initiate sex with me for a couple a days before. This made me feel EXTREMELY unattractive and insecure. He asked me why I was upset so I told him how I was feeling and it feels like there is a giant space between us now. Ugh….. Please help me! I don’t know what to say or do and I feel like running but feel afraid that I would regret running but I want these feelings to go away. I don’t like the way I feel at all. What do I do? Please help .

    Thursday, 20 February 2014 @ 6:55am

  138. 138: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – : ) Yes, I could choose any explanation – that’s a fun way to make good of this. I’ll go with he’s making way for the next gorgeous man who can’t wait to adore me : P I’m having fun reading your responses, thank you x

    Thursday, 20 February 2014 @ 7:09am

  139. 139: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lexie – I’m going to say what I always say – you need help on the emotional front – and try out my Certified Coaches – they know how to help you Love Yourself – REALLY!!! and will stand by you while you learn how to do that. You are in a fine space with this man – the rest is up to you and your HEAD! Go find a Rori Raye Coach on my Certified Coach Directory. Helena, Leigha, Carrie, Valerie, Dominique – ALL great!!! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 20 February 2014 @ 2:33pm

  140. 140: ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    I am having a very hard time in my relationship right now. I have been involved with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We live together and we have a 1 year old son and I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship. There are several things that I am not happy with that are happening right now, but the one that I would like to touch on today is that my man always wants me to do everything for him. He is used to being catered to in a ridiculous manner. I have absolutely no problem being loving and catering to my man to a certain degree but I already have 2 kids. How do I slowly back away and start doing less without getting upset? How do I say no in a nice way to certain requests so that it doesn’t start a fight? I have a lot on my plate.throughout the day and it’s difficult to finish my daily tasks while helping or constantly fulfilling his needs. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

    Saturday, 22 February 2014 @ 11:36am

  141. 141: Shannon P.No Gravatar says:

    Not to be confused with this shannon who’s been posting for a while here lately. :p

    I think I’ll put a P after my name from now on, since just plain “Shannon” seems to be a recurring nick here.

    Sunday, 23 February 2014 @ 5:15am

  142. 142: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – you need to take care of you and your children here first. If you don’t have do certain things for your man, then you simply say no, quietly and calmly. You may have to say it several times. And yes he may get angry. Try not to engage when and if he becomes upset. Leave the room or even the house if you have to.

    Love to you.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 23 February 2014 @ 11:43am

  143. 143: T.BradleyNo Gravatar says:

    Lexie-137,
    We are now going thru the same thing except I didn’t give in a nd marry E when he asked me too. We were doing great until his ex wife interferred. They don’t have kids together, she has 3 kids two of them his age and she gave her 11 year old to his dad. E and myself had got to the place were we were getting alone very well and all of a suddeen his ex started back calling him and wouldn’t you know he fell for her games again!!!! So now I guess he’s trying to get back with her.
    So yes I know how you feeling!! I wanted to marry this man but kinda glad I didn’t, but yes I still do love him

    Monday, 17 March 2014 @ 5:56am

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