An Interview With Rori – Speaking From The Heart

rosestemHere are some bits and pieces from an interview I did years ago:

I was asked: “What about the words you say you teach people to use?”

Here was my answer:

The words and body language and all the other tools I developed and teach look very different on different sides of the relationship dynamic.

I talk about choosing to be the masculine energy partner or the feminine energy partner, and that there has to be one of each in a relationship – regardless of gender or who chooses which role, but that you have to choose.

Masculine energy is about thinking, about action – making decisions, being in charge, delegating tasks, just generally doing, and feminine energy is about feelings – about expressing feelings, about intuition, and sensuality, and fun, and about just being. And not doing.

The principle’s the same whether it’s a relationship between two men or two women, or a woman and a man.

For starters, we have to choose to be either the ‘boy” or the “girl” in the relationship.

If we’re both acting like boys, all up in our heads, thinking, then who’s doing the feeling?

We’re just butting heads all the time – arguing and thinking and doing.

Someone has to be doing the deeper, more sensual, intuitive, softer, feeling aspects of the relationship, or there’s no juice, no excitement, no heart connection.

After the first flush of chemistry fades, there’s no connection, and the relationship disappears, which is what I think is happening out there.

In my coaching, I work with women who want to be the “feeling” partner. The “girl.”

Men need to learn how to tell a woman that he wants to be spoken to with respect. Most of us are accustomed to being verbally attacked on some level.

And men need to learn to treasure a woman’s feelings, because that’s his way into the intimacy of a real relationship, by getting close and accessing his woman’s feelings.

And I teach women who want to be the “girls” in a relationship to surrender control – instead of working so hard to manage the relationship – to work at it and think it – to switch into treating themselves wonderfully, and taking care of themselves. To do so much less in a relationship, and to get out of our heads and into our feelings and our bodies.

To feel our way through.

So many of us women are basically holding up our relationships all by ourselves.

We’ve forgotten how to just be.

It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Essentially, it’s about completely dismantling our defense mechanisms – baby-step by baby-step so that we don’t shock ourselves, though if you’re brave enough, you can make this shift in days.

For the “feminine energy” partner – or the “girl,” speaking from your heart looks like this:

“I’m really angryabout this thing that happened…!

Instead of confronting him with his failure to make you happy – such as: “You don’t have to do that, or you always do that, or why did you do that, or please don’t do that, or you really shouldn’t do that, or can’t you see why you shouldn’t do that…” (which is the same thing as actually pushing your partner away with your fists), you share with him your feeling state.

You say: I’m feeling so angry. Period. That’s all you say.

Let him ask “What’s up?”

Or see if he attacks you.

And then you share how that attack feels to you. “I feel defensive, I feel like I have to protect myself. Feels like fear. Like I’m being attacked…” (NOT: “…that you’re attacking me…”)

With the added statement: “I don’t want to feel this way…”

It really sounds so simple and direct, and once you get the hang of it, it is.

It’s just a little scary, because here we are, exposing what’s underneath the mask.

And we don’t have to dredge it up or analyze it, we just have to verbalize it simply – I feel.blank.

Early on, when you first start communicating in this new way, it may seem very messy to you, and sometimes very unnatural.

If you practice – most women get the hang of it in a few days. It’s scary being vulnerable and authentic, which is where you want to be.

It feels messy compared to the pattern we usually follow of trying to control a situation or our partner with words.

For the masculine energy partner the words and body language look like good leadership skills you’d use in business – an ability to negotiate in good faith, to consider the other person’s feelings before you make decisions – being decisive, being firm about requiring respect, emotional intelligence.

 

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122 Comments to “An Interview With Rori – Speaking From The Heart”

  1. 1: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok. thanks for this Rori!

    Since I have decided to really put some effort into my “girl”… I needed this basic acknowledgement. It does feel scary, messy, unnatural and I feel hesistant to reveal what is “under the mask”. Vunerable can be so raw.

    It is kinda lfeesl like I am standing on really high diving board, over a deep pool. Full well knowing, remembering that the last time I jumped I did not land so gracefully and smacked the water. Boy it hurt and stung. I dont know if I really want to jump..

    BUT … I want to be soft, authentic and real just glide into the water.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 7:49am

  2. 2: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Linda…
    LOVE, LOVE this analogy of jumping off the high dive….
    Yes, that’s EXACTLY how it feels!!!

    KS called yesterday (after I leaned forward and textd him… :~/)
    I struggled to use feeling messages and open up and be vulnerable…

    He mention he knew he is “rough around the edges” he really is!!!
    I said “I am too”
    Should I have said “it feels good to hear you say that?”
    Cause it did feel good to hear him acknowledge something I struggled with getting used to…

    He also shared that HE would call me “soon”
    Him: Did you hear the, soon? That doesn’t give a time element but it does mean soon…
    Me: “I feel happy hearing you wanting to make me happy”
    He laughed…
    Part of the reasons I gave him for breaking up (2.5 months ago) was because the last month he would say he was going to call me and then wouldn’t. I said then….
    Me: “I feel disconnected and disappointed when you say you’ll call and then you don’t”
    I want a connected, warm relationship.”

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 8:11am

  3. 3: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    This is a great post Rori!! thank you.

    Part of the issue I struggle with KS about is
    I feel like I have to work hard to out-girl him…

    He has told me such sweet, endearing things…
    Him: “I think about you all the time…
    I was the happiest I have ever been when I was with you”
    but then I don’t hear from him… ???
    But this is how Spirit was too… and I just leaned way back and NEVER contacted him first… enjoyed the times we could meet and then let it go…

    I MUST lean way back with KS… but use feeling messages to be an invitation…
    I can’t text or call him first ANYMORE!!!

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 8:21am

  4. 4: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Men need to learn how to tell a woman that he wants to be spoken to with respect. Most of us are accustomed to being verbally attacked on some level.”

    YES YES YES!!! I want to coach men on this!! I feel THRILLLLLLLEDDDDD

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 9:25am

  5. 5: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Daria…
    Yes… I agree…
    I have noticed with certain men I have a tendency to get sarcastic and say negative insinuating things…????
    KS is one of them… I think I might have done it with BK too…

    but i don’t do this with Spiritcd…
    Wonder why?

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 9:51am

  6. 6: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m all about practicing feeling messages as much as possible.

    I’m slowly working my way into circular dating. Trying to get past the awkwardness of it. I felt resigned to this process after a dud of a date on Sunday. He was attractive, he does really interesting work, but the conversation never gelled. He’d ask me a bunch of questions rapid fire and never wait for a conversation to happen around any one of the topics. It felt frustrating too because he was very soft spoken, so I had to strain to catch his questions or ask him to repeat himself.

    Sunday I went out with a friend from school who is an amateur photographer so I could get some better pictures for my online dating profile. He was telling me about how he had met his current girlfriend at a wedding, and they knew within 72 hours that they wanted to give the long distance relationship a go. He already is thinking about the future with her, and knows she’s the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with…he knows after 2 months! In many ways, it makes me feel optimistic that that exists, but it also makes me feel sad that I haven’t found that yet. Thus, I circular date.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 10:12am

  7. 7: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    These are all wonderful reminders, thank you Rori! I feel constantly triggered right now, so many fears coming out of my subconscious. At times I feel overwhelmed…wondering if I will ever be able to settle into being the calm goddess I want to be. Then again, I am thankful in some ways for all these triggers coming up. Finally I might be able to heal them.

    The hardest part for me today is keeping the focus on me. My mind wanders so easily, right to a man. I feel the difference when I’m just being and allowing, acting as though I have all the time in the world. Things are good and I feel at ease in those moments. But when the triggers come to call my heart races, my head pounds and my breath gets short. My shoulders crawl up towards my ears. My focus is on me, not judging myself in those moments and feeling whatever comes up, then choosing whether to really sink into it or turn to something else. It’s also hard in these moments because I don’t feel connected to anyone, and then when I do calm down I still don’t feel connected. Things are probably rosy with all my CDs but it doesn’t feel that way right now. Showering myself with love…

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 10:48am

  8. 8: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Another thing that is hard is that my friends, who only want the best for me, sometimes add to my mind’s worries without meaning too. One of my very close friends has said that as long as a relationship is moving forward it’s fine. Is that reality though? It seems like my relationships have pauses, both on my side and his. It becomes easy to judge those pauses as ‘bad’ even though in my heart I know everyone needs a break sometimes! The scared little girl inside of me has come to the forefront in the past few days. I am doing my best to soothe her…she is very good at shaking me to my core!

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 10:55am

  9. 9: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Labbit 8,

    I take the advice of everyone, well-meaning or not, rather carefully, and I try not to let it penetrate to my emotions before I’ve had a chance to weigh it and see if it applies. People say things – sometimes they don’t know what they’re talking about, and sometimes they say what has worked or been true for them. I find it very, very important to guard my peace of mind and wellbeing closely, and that includes from the advice of others. There is no one size fits all.

    Some relationships do go underground and then bloom again, and others follow a steady forward path. Whatever is right for you.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 1:11pm

  10. 10: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve had feelings around BM and pain come up – all I could do was cry as I recognized how moved I feel. I don’t understand why it was happening. And when I met FunnyCD today he asked me about previous relationships – and there was openness and I just shared – I thought it was quite beautiful, I felt open-vulnerable telling him. His energy is definitely coming towards me, I feel overwhelmed at times but I am starting to enjoy it. I felt a moment of attraction when he wanted to know what I wanted, what I was looking for. I do notice that he’s wanting to know what I’ll enjoy, a sort of watching interest. And I do like his touch – warm, comforting, gentle, soothing.

    I do want the conversation to slow down a bit, even the thought of saying that in a feeling message seems beautiful. I did notice that he wanted me to focus my attention on him – at first I felt nervous about that, but I think of it differently now – as wanting to be considered seriously. I wanted at quite a few moments to say ‘I’m listening’ but I’m afraid of feeling more overwhelmed by his response.

    For the next date we’ll share our own pictures and stories. and yummy food.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 3:18pm

  11. 11: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I am leaning back with G-CD and E-Cd and it doesn’t feel as hard as last week :)
    I had a very lame date today, I noticed that I felt a stronge urge to just leave. He was a seemingly nice guy but I just felt not attracted and not interested in him at all and he somehow annoyed me. He wasn’t very masculine at all and it was hard to me to be in my girl energy. He left me choosing the place as he didn’t know the area, he left me choosing the table …I felt very annoyed but than felt not good about it at the same time.

    Then when I came home a man I met 5 month ago and liked a lot, had messaged me telling me that he’s looking forward to meet me when I am back in the Uk.
    And another man from the past started chatting with me on fb.
    It seems somehow I am attracting the men from my past to rekindle with me…feels interesting.

    It feels great to know that any men I have ever met could still be drawn back to me and soooo many new man can be drawn to me as well….such an abundance of men. It feels very good to know :)

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 3:59pm

  12. 12: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #9 thank you for sharing your thoughts, it felt good to take in and remember this.

    I wanted to share this on the previous post as it related to our boy energy, but I do it here now.
    i have picked it up in another post and do not remember who mentioned it, but I checked out this
    website today simpleology.com and I think its great for getting more organised and integrating new habits.
    A big Thank you to whoever it was who shared it.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:10pm

  13. 13: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve had sex with S twice now. Both times it was so painful I had to stop pretty quickly. He is really thick and I haven’t had sex in a long time. But I mean ouch.

    This last time was the first time he slept over. He kept trying to get it on with me all night, like 4 or 5 times it seemed, and I really really hated it. Already it’s all I could do to get through it once.

    Finally in the morning as he put his mouth on my breast badly for the 20th time and I pushed him away for the 20th time… I tried to tell him, show him how I like it. He did it badly again. I turned away from him, and felt the awfulness, and said I don’t know how to tell you what I like, and I don’t know if it can work. He said it will come. He even said it was because I was tired.

    I wanted to punch him in the face, I said it’s not because I’m tired I really hate him saying that. I don’t know if it can get better if it’s up to me to tell him how to do it, it’s hard when it doesn’t just come naturally. He said to trust him, he would get there.

    Of course he won’t.

    He left all kinds of his things in my apt. He even brought over flip flops to wear, in my tiny studio apt, when he took his other shoes off. That really made me like, rageful. He left a condom, his toothpaste, a water bottle.

    When he brushed his teeth in the morning he did it with brute force, like really fast and hard, an it actually frightened me to watch him. Sometimes it feels like he touches me that hard, like no awareness of himself whatsoever.

    Honestly I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, and I have to break up with him. But I am afraid of devastating him. It frightens me how much he pretends nothing’s wrong. I don’t want to hurt him.

    And I know once he’s gone the lovely things will remain, how he brought me two bags of candy, plans me up in advance so far I have to tell him to stop, how he held me in the morning.

    And that’s another thing, he woke up at like 5am and was pawing all over me and getting up and doing things and tossing and turning, fidgeting like a crazy person!

    I can’t even focus on the good anymore.

    He texted me today he’s thinking of me and I didn’t respond, and I ignored his call tonight.

    Tonight I really hate him. It’s because I’m not listening to myself, not trusting myself that this is not good for me anymore.

    It’s just hard because it feels so nice that he keep showing up and wanting to be present.

    I keep crying about it. I feel awful.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 7:49pm

  14. 14: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Victoria #13))))
    Darling Siren… this all sounds soo awful…
    I feel sad that S is not smooth at all…
    sooo sad that this is the first time you have had sex in awhile and he is not romantic or sensual… :-(

    My last cd, MN, was the same (no sex though)…
    sooo clueless, inept, NOT sensual… I started dreading our dates!!!
    ugh… I’m sooo glad I broke up with him…

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 9:56pm

  15. 15: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I shared with FunnyCD in feeling messages how his touch felt to me – I felt a bit nervous doing that. He responded by opening up about his desires which felt good to read. This is different – I feel calm about his energy coming towards me but also that things suddenly feel more open between us – that is surprising.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 11:44pm

  16. 16: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((((Violette))))))))))))))

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 11:50pm

  17. 17: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooh I love this!! This is exactly what Ninja ‘put his foot down’ about.. Speaking to him in a disrespectful tone/acting disrespectfully, told me he cant tolerate it and its not what im saying or what im upset about thats the problem its how i do it. I couldnt hear my tone as disrespectful (although i was fully aware some of my actions were) and i felt awful being scolded about it and told him so. BUT i also said i hear you, i hear that my tone is unacceptable to you and im sorry, i will work on it. I felt such admiration and desire for him insisting I treat him with respect, i instantly felt pulled out of my angry stance and felt safe, it commands my respect! And he wrapped his arms around me and said i love you very much and all my angst melted away.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 11:53pm

  18. 18: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Violette,

    I smiled as I read your post because I know that feeling. I was dating a really sweet, darling guy who was besotted with me towards the beginning of last year, and even when I told him I needed a few minutes to myself, he kept climbing all over me, pawing me, smothering me. I’m an affectionate person but I feel a guy has to be able to read your cues a bit. One night after we’d snuggled in front of the TV for 3 hours, and then he wouldn’t leave me alone to brush my teeth and wind down before bed, and then when he basically lay on top of me so I was so hot I couldn’t sleep, I got up, picked up my things and left in the middle of the night and never saw him again. Your post sounds like the irritation I felt. Where the good things don’t actually matter enough because of how uncomfortable you are.

    Love to you!

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 11:57pm

  19. 19: ZiaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel tired today. I feel grumpy and petulant. Not for any other reason than hormones I bet. I love my inner tantrum-throwing child :)

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 12:04am

  20. 20: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica #15…
    mmm… very brave…

    I did share with Spiritcd I was feeling overwhelmed when he stopped by last night and was groping and all over me… He did stop doing it.. but got a little grumpy…
    But it was sooo… nice just to sit next to each other and watch TV… :->
    not sure I shared that though…
    I’ll do that now…

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 5:49am

  21. 21: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    “I felt warm and safe in your arms watching tv”

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 5:51am

  22. 22: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla…
    Soo cool that Ninja asked for what he wanted!!

    I’m sure part of why KS pulled away was because of my tone… he might not have even known why…
    Tooo much negativity coming towards him from me…
    Not sure why I was doing it…???
    I know I was feeling VERY unworthy and unlovable because of my business collapsing and me NOT knowing how to save it…
    He was spending sooo much money on us and I just didn’t know what to do…
    I did share this… but he was/is still confused about why…
    Baby steps…

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 5:55am

  23. 23: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo 9 — thank you, that is very good feedback. I suppose I also invite the suggestions perhaps in an attempt to confuse myself out of intimacy. So much to learn!

    Violette 13 – Ouch! I can feel your pain from here. I had a lover like that in college for a very short time. He was so firm and aggressive, no tenderness at all and blamed me for not liking the way he touched me. It took me awhile to break up with him but once I finally did I quickly met a man who became an 8-year relationship for me and he was wonderful. Kinda made me wish I’d broken up with the overly hard guy sooner!

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 8:19am

  24. 24: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Today the word safety is echoing in my mind and heart. The morning panic kicked off again when I woke up so I did my best to stay focused on what was right in front of me and enjoy my morning routine. The fear felt like abandonment today, of being alone and everyone I care about leaving me. I decided to take myself out for breakfast. While noshing a thought flashed across my mind — what if I let myself feel safe? What would it feel like to be safe?

    Being safe feels like warmth. Comfort. Security. It feels like knowing I have people to depend on. Like someone would catch me if I fall. Like being wrapped up in his arms, smelling him and feeling his love. And then I realized that safety starts in me. I create safety and then I will get it back too. So what does safety look like when I make it for myself? It looks like taking care of myself, of knowing that I will treat myself well, not beat myself up, do everything in my power to make sure my needs are taken care of. It means compassion for myself when I make mistakes and acceptance of who I am now. It looks like not trying to control anyone else, accepting them for who they are and inviting them close to me. If I know that I can depend on myself not to abandon myself, then it follows that I can depend on those I care about not to abandon me so long as I don’t abandon them. Whoo. I am feeling calm, slowly stabilizing. So many triggers. So much healing.

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 8:26am

  25. 25: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    ((((labbitt)))) #24

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 8:38am

  26. 26: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Labbitt #24
    I do love these questions you are asking…
    It is making me consider what does it take
    to make ME feel safe…
    “Do EVERYTHING in MY power to take care of MY NEEDS!!”
    This feels sooo good…
    I keep trying to uncover the layers into why I treat myself sooo poorly when it comes to finances…
    I have the $$ in the bank and I’ll wait until WAY after the bills are due… I’ll get sooo anxious and overwhelmed….
    I’ll make it sooo they double in cost…
    I treat myself like I hate ME!!
    I don’t get it????
    I’ve done this most of my life…
    How can I trust ME if I am treating me like this?
    I hate being treated this way!!

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 8:51am

  27. 27: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Violette)))) this man is not able to hear your discomfort or your needs. Run away from him now, please dont put yourself through this again as it will cause you to numb out or stuff your feelings to avoid offending him and that wont help either of you. Years ago I stayed 3 months in a relationship like that because he said it would get better but it only got worse and I hated myself and him more each day. Listen to your heart, your body. Xoxo

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 9:11am

  28. 28: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    @13 Violette

    I have been where you are. In more than one way. A rough, not-in-tune lover is awful. It is an absolute turn off.

    I had an awesome lover… beyond my best imagination kind of lover…but there was so much other that was bad that I could not focus on the good either. The good was just not enough in my case too.

    Sounds like S is an irritant to you in lots of ways and many things are a turn off to you and you are no longer attracted to him.

    I totally understand, been there and done that. Listening to ourselfs is so important. Acting it is too.

    hugs
    I

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 9:41am

  29. 29: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I agree. I simply could never be in a relationship where I didn’t absolutely love having sex with my man.

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 9:55am

  30. 30: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Azure Blu))) i know what you mean, stress seems to leak from me in unconscious ways sabotaging my communication. Money stress is the worst. Its so difficult to enjoy extravagance when i am fretting over paying bills. All I can do is try to work with my feelings in non-destructive ways, express them to those around me and pat myself on the back everytime I become aware of a defensive stance.

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 10:35am

  31. 31: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Kyla…
    That feels good for me to hear…
    :-/

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 10:37am

  32. 32: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    :)

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 11:12am

  33. 33: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Funny little siren tidbit, the 3 times Ninja left me alone somewhere with the kids during our trip a man suddenly appeared to talk to me just before he returned. Id smile at him as he came over to me but noticed he quickened his step when he saw the other man there. The man would then leave and Ninja would be all super casual asking me who he was lol. Once was a park, once a pool and once at our camp site and each time he left me there was noone around at all but us and yet somehow these men appeared just before he returned. I found it very funny and it made me feel giggly too. Just remembered now as Ninja is coming home for lunch and as I am having my tea on the porch 2 workers pulled up to fix the curb and started chatting to me lol.

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 11:34am

  34. 34: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla #33
    LOL… Ahhh… singing that beautiful, irresistible Siren song… beckoning the sailors from the sea!!! ;~>

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 11:55am

  35. 35: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Something similar happened this weekend…
    It was our towns Art Fair…
    I am on the Board of Directors so was helping out several days…
    Went to the tent with live music and wine and bumped into a male friend I hadn’t seen in 8 yrs or more… we were chating…
    and his gf walked up with this very concerned look on her face… then he introduced us and explained how we knew each other and she was more at ease… :-)
    Made me feel good cause I’m older than her…
    soooo flattering to see a little jealousy in her eyes!!

    Then one of the musicians came down and I knew him
    we hadn’t seen each other in a few years…
    we were talking and his gf walked up… a little cold and not friendly…
    She too is younger…
    Yay!! I was smiling all the way home…

    I certainly wasn’t playing any GAMEs!!! and did try to put them at ease… but (rori style) I didn’t overfunction…

    Self LOVE and strong on the inside, soft on the outside is such a magnet!!!
    THANK you Rori!! oxoxo

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 12:04pm

  36. 36: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Mmm I love those little innocent moments Azure Blu, makes me feel yummy and certainly is a boost to the confidence!

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 12:19pm

  37. 37: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla… Yes…
    smiling and happy
    to see how much I have changed in the past 2 years…
    changed so much that others really notice…

    It is alll that rori promises… and MORE…

    It is mind boggling to me that
    ME LOVING ME… shines for all to see
    and be drawn to

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 12:27pm

  38. 38: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    I’m really frustrated. J has text me a few times, saying he’s going to call, and trying to make plans. When I respond, he doesn’t respond back for a week or days. Honestly the river has dried up, I don’t even want to go out with him anymore. I haven’t seen him in over two weeks anyway. He’s so unavailable I guess, feels like the conversation is always stopped like a hurky jerky car and never is allowed to flow…I’m so over this. I have the urge to text him, “let’s just forget about this. The silent treatment really puts my fire out.” But I don’t want to reach out in anger or frustration. Plus if he never responds, then that’s that.
    What do you ladies think? Can I say that?!

    Haven’t reached out to Mechanic since our last conversation. Suffering through the posted photos of him and his “friend” from out of town, out on the town. It burns, because he’s quick to tell me that he has to work, but I can see he has been taking time off for her. True, she lives out of the country, so it’s special. But that just goes to show that I’m not….special. Anyway, it burns….but I’m leaning back and I know it’s for the best.

    I’ve also come up with a good answer when someone asks me what I want. “I want someone to experience life with.”

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 8:32pm

  39. 39: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Millie,
    What does that mean to you?
    “I want someone to experience life with.”

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 10:21pm

  40. 40: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Marika b
    yay!!! first feeling message…
    You should be proud you are letting your Siren flag fly high!!!

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 10:24pm

  41. 41: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Azure–hmmm it actually sounds pretty cheesy. Maybe I need to think about it more…

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 11:03pm

  42. 42: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Bu – 20 – I felt worried that if I shared how his touch felt that things would become ‘sexual’. But I have a better sense of what he’s like and there’s something about the way he responds that is compelling.

    He told me that he didn’t want to overwhelm me – I hadn’t shared with him that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the energy coming at me. Knowing that that is a concern of his helps me to express this in the future in a way that’s more gentler.

    Sometimes just sitting together is a delightful pleasure – thank you for reminding me. Your feeling message about watching TV has a softness to it : ) I feel scared of the groping/smothering.

    -35- Wow!

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 11:32pm

  43. 43: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    FunnyCD wanted to share something with me – I felt anxious, panic, dread – and also sadness that being pushed away after closeness is what I’ve become accustomed to. Then he shared something with me that was so private and I got to see a little bit more of what he was about – it felt amazing and precious to be let inside. And again the way this was done I find so compelling. I was pleasure smiling the whole night. I feel relieved – I don’t like the beginning stages of dating because of the chemistry – it seems foggy and I really need to know who the other person is.

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 11:45pm

  44. 44: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Millie,

    I would not specifically reach out to J to tell him that – the next time he texts you, I would just say “I feel uninspired. I don’t think this is what I want.”

    With men like that, I’ve noticed how easy it is for them to trigger you, and you want to lash out. But responding calmly and from a position of strength can feel so much better.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 1:06am

  45. 45: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad. I reached out to G-Cd today on his birthday and called him to wish him Happy Birthday. I wasn’t sure if it would be better to text or to call him as he hasn’t called me, only texted since our last intense date, but than I decided to call as I would have loved for him to call on my birthday.

    I felt very warm, open and loving when I called and he seemed super formal, wishing me a great day and thanking me for my call.
    I don’t know if he was in a meeting or maybe with his ex, but I felt stupid and sad as he responded so detached and formal.

    I wish I would have just texted him. I don’t feel inspired to call him ever again first.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 1:56am

  46. 46: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo and Milli
    – yes “I feel uninspired. I don’t think this is what I want.”
    I think thats sthg very good to text. Will keep that in mind to.
    I would be interesting to see how the man responds to that. He still has the chance to ask, what do you mean, why do wou feel uninspired and than it might be good to say, well I feel left hanging a lot of the times and I feel the longing for more connection and as this doesn’t seem to be here at the moment it feels better to let it go. And than he can still repsond if he wants to.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:04am

  47. 47: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Millie it doesn’t sound cheesy to me at all. I actually loved it. The thing is how do you want to experience life? Do you want to travel the world, seek out exciting adventures, settle in a home by the lake or with a white picket fence around it, be a mother of 6 children? What do you want to experience in life?

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:18am

  48. 48: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    #§5 Azur Blu – happy to hear that you are attracting the men to you and great that you didn’t overfunction putting the girlfriends at ease.
    I feel soo uncomfortable when I feel jealousy coming my way and I used to put myself down to not threaten other women and it feels so bad to me…

    It goes so far that I sometimes still feel uncomfortable ‘flirting’ with men, feeling judged by other women and feeling their jealousy, their attack feels so threatening.
    I have noticed I am afraid of this. I believe its sthg from my childhood, that I felt threatened by my mum and other women when I received attention from my dad and man…
    writing about this makes me feel angry and I want to shake this stuff of…

    I just need to remind myself to stay strong within my core when I feel those jealouse vibes from other women and to not fall into my pattern of wanting to please them and cover up my beauty and siren vibe for the sake of them liking me and putting them at ease. I am not responsible for their insecurities.

    No more self sacrifice – but strong surrender into the siren and beauty that is myself.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:26am

  49. 49: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu,

    I also found your story of the jealous girlfriends interesting. A sign that you are a true siren for sure!

    In situations like that, I like to smile and be open and kind to them. I suppose there’s a part of me where my heart goes out to them. I can empathise with how they feel and their vulnerability.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:35am

  50. 50: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I have also noticed its hard for me to stay soft and open when I feel jealousy coming my way. I feel sad when I notice it, rejected, excluded and attacked.
    And its hard to feel al those emotions.

    I have been to a house parties were I didn’t know many people and I found myself sitting by myself, the women next to me ignoring me, everyone talking, but no one with me. I felt very sad, felt like leaving. Than after I just sat there for some time a women came up to me and talked to me and confessed that she felt jealouse and threatened by me. This was quiet enlightening but still sad.

    Another house party I felt myself being ignored again by the women next to me, everyone talking and I sensed what was going on and instead of wanting to please the women and talk with them I smiled at the men and started a very interesting conversation with them, at the end the others were listening to us.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:40am

  51. 51: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    After Violette’s post, I found myself giving a lot of thought to how good and important it feels to me to enjoy lovemaking and physical intimacy with the man I share this with, how important it feels to be able to lose myself and surrender with sweet, soft, warm feminine abandon.

    D is by far and away, by many leaps and bounds, the best sex that I’ve ever had. Not because it’s particularly exciting or chemistry-filled, but because we’re so in sync. He seems to have known instinctively what I like from day 1, and he always, always puts my pleasure before his own. There’s never any pressure to it, never any suggestion of anything that would make me uncomfortable, never any hint that it isn’t good enough in any way, shape or form. We just flow together very easily like water. As a result, I enjoy it sooo much. I could be sick and dead-tired and he could wake me up at 4 in the morning, and I would still be excited to have sex with him. Excuse me rambling on like this – I was just thinking about it as D and I made love last night. This was after he’d gone out to get me hot chocolate and snacks, and we just lay there cuddling close into one another for a while afterwards, and I just felt so at peace. So these were just some of my thoughts.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:45am

  52. 52: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo,
    yes I have been on the other side too of course, many times, feeling jealous and insecure and I can emphasise with them.
    BUt it feels tricky for me at the moment as I do not want to pander to anyone any longer and if I am in situations like that I would like to feel my uncomfortable feelings and be neutral not feel the need to make them comfortable for the cost of ignoring my feelings and shutting myself down. Its an attack after all.
    And the other way around instead of feeling jealouse and projecting my insecurities onto another women i want to feel my insecurities, my uncomfortable feelings instead of attacking the women with my vibe.
    Jealousy is a tricky emotion.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:50am

  53. 53: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    MMMhh Just lost E-CD. He texted me the he is in a commited relationship but that he still would like to see me.

    I felt very surprised, never thought he would be in a relationship the way he behaved, but well. I replied that I can’t see him anymore now.
    I can let go of him easily as I didn’t feel attached, but I feel sad as now only G-CD is left for me to date and there is the danger of getting to attached to him.
    Want to date at least two more men. manifest manifest manifest

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 3:21am

  54. 54: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 52 – Flowing together like water – beautiful!

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 4:45am

  55. 55: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    @39 Mille

    Using the words “silent treatement” sound blamey. It indicates that you feel the person is not talking to you..doing it purposely with an intent to punish, or as a retaliation . There are times that those words definately fit. From what you have written. I am not sure this is what is happening really.

    This just stuck out to me. (Mostly because this is what happened to me in my last relationship).

    Just my observation.

    xo

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 5:02am

  56. 56: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Silent treatment – the way I see it is whether a pattern has already been established. Or whether this is the way this man generally deals with difficult situations in his life. I have met men who tell me that is how they deal with their children to get their cooperation. If that is what works for any man it will be his go to place. They will have to learn that stonewalling/silent treatment doesn’t work to build romance.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 5:37am

  57. 57: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Millie #42,
    Darling Siren….not cheezy at all…
    I was thinking that it is vague… which means that YOU’RE NOT clear…
    i have found…
    when I’m NOT clear it causes confusion in my mind
    as to what I am getting upset about when dating…

    Some of the issues you have share with us here
    about the guys and what they are and are not doing
    feel like the cds are confused with what YOU want…
    Does this make since?

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 6:22am

  58. 58: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica #44…
    soooo soft and warm you are…
    darling siren!!!
    I feel like soft, velvet reading about your interaction with Funny…
    Mmmmm… so nice…

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 6:26am

  59. 59: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    How about “I feel turned off when there is no momentum to our getting to know one another”.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 6:33am

  60. 60: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    sequoia #49….
    YES… YES.!!!
    You totally feel the same thing as I do…

    Before Rori… I would self depricate for the sake of the women feeling jealous
    to the point of becoming INVISIBLE…

    This time I was friendly
    but I held back the rescuing energy as much as I could…
    Cause it’s soooo much in my nature to lower ME for the sake of others…

    I feel sad thinking about it…
    My mother was always Soooo jealous of any attention I would get from my daddy or other men….
    it seems incredulous a grown woman, a mother
    to be jealous of her young daughter…
    especially having raised a daughter…
    I never felt threatened or jealous…
    always sooo proud

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 6:54am

  61. 61: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #52….
    Mmmm… sex with D sounds sooo sensual and mutually satisfying…
    I feel safe and warm just reading about it…
    :-}

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:02am

  62. 62: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose…
    I do like this..
    …no momentum to our getting to know each other…
    For me these words ring true for the reality of where the relationship is…

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:05am

  63. 63: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica & Azure Blu, thank you :)

    For me, sexual intimacy and enjoyment is built up gently and respectfully, with loving touches and kisses, so that you feel coaxed open, so that it is an emotionally connected experience, that you both want just as much as the other so that you feel you have created a little world of your own. It has been so wonderful for me to realize what I like, as with every other man I’ve been intimate with I’ve pulled away from them at some point. For me, emotional connectedness is everything when it comes to enjoyment of sex.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:17am

  64. 64: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    sequoia #51…
    You are a brave, warrior siren attending these parties alone…
    I’m not able to do this very often..

    I feel your exclusion reading about the house parties you have attended…
    Is this still true after Rori’s tools?

    I have noticed after 2 yrs of rori i am more able to start up a conversation
    when I am alone at an event…
    after I have settled in, lowered my shoulders
    (or whatever is tense) and unzipped my heart..

    also another trick i do Before I get there…
    I visualize how it looks to be relaxed,
    talking to strangers, being present and listening…
    Or whatever I’m wanting to do…
    It has worked rather well…

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:35am

  65. 65: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    A major problem with out-of-control anger is that there is no loving adult on board. When we get triggered into rage, we are operating from our lower brain where our wounded self is. Not only that, but, as Dr. Daniel Seigel says, the part of our brain linked to memory is also off-line.

    This is why it’s not ever a good idea to try to discuss anything with someone who is very angry. What’s the point? With no access to their loving adult, and their ability to remember off-line, there is no way to get anywhere. This is why I always recommend lovingly disengaging whenever you or the other person is angry.

    Also, trying to talk about what was said when things have calmed down is often fruitless. People say many things they don’t mean when they are enraged, and then they forget they said them.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3817/do-you-remember-what-you-say-when-you-are-enraged.html

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 10:06am

  66. 66: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman 66,

    Love this, and so agree. Engaging with an angry person can be so painful, and trying to reason with what they’re saying can make the whole downward spiral even worse. I’ve found you simply cannot take what people say in a rage at face value, and only they can calm themselves down, so it’s best to disengage, leave the room and let them deal with their own feelings. Not to say that this is always easy to do!

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 10:35am

  67. 67: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo — sounds amazing, and yummy! It will feel amazing to have that again.
    Sequoia — oooh, being alone at a party feels triggering! I get anxious just thinking about it. It would feel amazing to be that brave.

    I am still on the path to building up some CDs. BartenderCD is flaky. He is a cute bartender who lives and works in my neighborhood. Last night he called me when I was getting off work. I called him back about half an hour later and he asked me what I was doing. I told him my plans, and agreed to get in touch with him when I was done. I texted back after, and he didn’t respond, so I headed to dinner with my friend. During dinner, I got a text that said he just got up from a nap and I told him I was at dinner. Even though part of me wanted to see him, I didn’t want to feel like I was chasing after him. If he wants to see me, he’ll just have to make plans earlier than the same night!

    I don’t know. I feel good about dating myself in the meantime.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 11:27am

  68. 68: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo I recently experienced it and I did not disengage. I stood there and listened because I was the one to initiate the conversation and I wanted to say something. I did not get to say it. It was a lesson learned.

    The angry person called today after 3-4 weeks since the outburst. I could not answer. I still feel traumatized by the experience.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 12:13pm

  69. 69: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine Woman,

    So hard :/ I have found it sooo hard disengaging in the past. But as you experienced, it is more to save yourself the trauma of being subjected to someone else’s rage than anything else.

    x

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 12:21pm

  70. 70: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    FW…
    this does sound traumatizing…
    interesting thoughts about things said in the heat of an argument or rant…
    “best to forget as they/ you really didn’t mean it”
    Still is hurtful though… it’s a good reminder to
    think about our words carefully…
    they may not be remembered by you…
    but they are stuck in someone elses heart and mind…

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 12:39pm

  71. 71: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Im very much enjoying the articles on the website taken in hand. I have no desire for domestic discipline or punishment btw. I am such a strong, resilient, capable and independent person and it has taken me years to realise that i want a man whos even more so. I feel so turned off by men who let me push them and i have felt afraid in relationships of pushing a good man away with my strong will. Before Ninja moved in we talked about how we would work things like money etc but for me the most important thing i needed for him to understand was my desire to wear the skirt and have him wear yhe trousers. It took me much courage to tell him I needed to know he was the one in charge and that i wouldnt be the one in control of everything as i have in the past. I want to be consulted and need to have a voice but trust he will make the final decision. I need to know he can put his foot down with me and not let me push him around or away. I was already assured by his actions that he was the type of man that could gently but firmly be my king and treat me as his queen but the fear in me of things unravelling later needed to be aired. I finally know what i want, what i need from a relationship to feel safe and loved. I finally understand what turns me on and what quenches my attraction. He heard me out and questioned it a little to make sure he understood. He told me he could do all that for me with pleasure but required my honesty and openness about how i was feeling at all times so he could trust that he was doing what was right for all of us and that he has been blind-sighted in the past by someone pretending to be happy with the direction he was taking them only to be handed divorce papers. It felt so good being able to have this conversation and to realise that this dynamic was so important to both of us. I finally feel set free, more me, more feminine and stronger than ever, deeply peaceful and secure and happy. I can be the girl, i do not have to pretend to be weaker or less capable and my inclination to push will be met with a solid boundary that relaxes me and makes me feel sure. I am enjoying understanding better the psychology of this dynamic and why it works so well for us. He’s happily rowing us into the sunset and i am unafraid.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 1:28pm

  72. 72: luzydelNo Gravatar says:

    I am distancing from the blog eventually. I found the relationship, I didn’t know I wanted. It is not with a man in specific, but with myself. I am so great full for this blog because it guided me to find myself. I learned a lot and I realized so many things…

    A few weeks back out of boredom or curiosity I Facebook searched “P” the guy who somehow brought me here close to 4 years ago…. He has a girlfriend and the funny thing is that he was CDing her and me at the same time. Then I understood circular dating, and stopped rejecting the idea, I realized that I could find a balance that feels good to me so I circular date some men a little and date myself a lot :) I am not closing myself to love, because that it is impossible, I am open like the ocean. Love always comes back, sometimes in different faces and experiences and I have to receive that love from all men that come to me, even if it is just for a short time.

    But it is ok if for some time love doesn’t come in a male body, because I have love reserves from within me. Just because a man doesn’t stay it doesn’t mean that he didn’t love me. He did for a second a few months or a few years. Who am I to say a man didn’t love me? just because things didn’t turned as expected doesn’t mean that there in those few moments love wasn’t present.

    Love is about having the capacity to let go, and be open. Just like the waves who come and go. Love is to live with our fear, and just move like a breeze without tearing things apart just being easy and caressing without rising or destroying. Keeping my hands open to receive but to let go… I am learning to love any man, instead of focusing in just one ideal man. I will stay away from dangerous man, but right now I am not attracting those men anymore. :)

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 6:04pm

  73. 73: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    There is someone from far away (long distance) that is wanting to see me. He says he will be in my area in the next few weeks and wants to know a good time to meet me. I don’t think he’s just coming for me which is a good thing. I feel uneasy enough about it and would not want the additional pressure of having him travel here just for me. But I’m still feeling uneasy about it and wondering if its a good idea or not. Most of my dates (almost all of them in fact) from online turn out to be total disaster and there is absolutely nothing there. Which isn’t so bad if its only a brief date with someone local. But if its with someone who is traveling here from afar, that changes things, and makes me feel uneasy and anxious. What to you all think? Does anyone have any experience with this? Also, he wants me to wear the dress that I’m in in some of my photos. I got a professional photo shoot done and wore my favorite dress. It’s special to me and kinda form fitting and would only wear it for a very special date. So I’m feeling uncomfortable about that too.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 6:19pm

  74. 74: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Oooh my goodness Kyla,)))
    I am crying with happiness and jealousy (this is what I would love to have)
    Thank you for sharing and being soooo authentic and vulnerable…
    And brave to gather your family and your life and decide to be with Ninja and his children…
    You are my hero…

    I too have struggled with being with kind men…
    and pushed them away (when I was younger) because I was afraid I would overpower them because of my strength.

    What you have shared in this post is sooo powerful and beautiful…
    Two people wanting the best for themselves and each other… Sooo lovely…

    “I finally feel set free, more me, more feminine and stronger than ever, deeply peaceful and secure and happy. I can be the girl, i do not have to pretend to be weaker or less capable and my inclination to push will be met with a solid boundary that relaxes me and makes me feel sure.”

    THIS IS amazing…
    Shine on brightly sparkling siren
    oxoxoxo

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:11pm

  75. 75: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo 45– Yes I think you are right. I started typing a message to him and imagined sending it, and it didn’t feel good in my imagination as much yes, I did feel like lashing out.

    Sequoia– I love your message also!! Man, I need to practice writing my own feeling messages. “well I feel left hanging a lot of the times and I feel the longing for more connection and as this doesn’t seem to be here at the moment it feels better to let it go.” I really love that and it captures exactly how I feel without sounding like Im needy or blaming him.

    Linda 56– I agree with you…Silent treatment does sound like he is doing it with intent, which I don’t believe is the case either. But I think it’s rude and inconsiderate, especially when HE’s the one suggesting a date! It feels like a string-a-long, which I’m not interested in. 3 strikes on that one.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:14pm

  76. 76: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose 60– What you suggested rings true to me as well!
    “I feel turned off when there is no momentum to our getting to know one another”.

    It feels directionless. I feel directionless…in my love life particularly.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:16pm

  77. 77: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blue 58–and Femininewoman 48–

    You both are totally right.
    Azure…yes I feel confused and yes I’m sure I am confusing the them!!! I was probably less confusing to J than I have been with others, but still much much room for improvement!

    When I say “I want someone to experience life with.”
    I mean, I want to experience everything with someone, the little things like brushing your teeth together, to laying in bed reading without even talking, just being, to the larger things like world traveling, doing random adventurous things, starting a family… From the mundane to the edge of excitment, I want to experience that range with someone and feel like they actually WANT to be there with me too, in all those moments. I want to feel inspired by this someone, to feel like I’m moving, growing, towards something…and that person wants that also, so we exchange ideas and create together. I’d love to marry a creative type. In my fantasy, we have a house, with a huge backyard, huge enough to grow our own food and have dogs, chickens, a garage with art projects and vintage cars. We are creators and doers. Surrounded by nature, growing things, animals, nurturing nature, having a cyclic relationship with nature and ourselves. I make clothes, maybe he is a carpenter or any artisan that involves creating. He can fix things, he is handy and capable. We are independent, and willing. I see myself with two kids. My father is a great father, I watch our old home videos from our childhood and he is just so happy and silly with us. The expression on his face, I want my husband to have that expression, to feel so entrenched in happiness in his marriage and family, I want to marry a man like my father.

    I’ve said some of this to men…but it doesn’t seem to be inspiring to them. I wonder deep down, if men just find me boring.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:32pm

  78. 78: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla 72–You are one amazing woman ! :)

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 7:34pm

  79. 79: SurferchicaNo Gravatar says:

    I loved reading this today. Just this past weekend, I think I had a breakthrough where I shared my feelings (in a vulnerable way)—the ones I’ve been afraid to share. I expressed feeling sentimental about us, and then sad when the evening ended with my going home rather than staying over at his place.

    He began with a defensive reaction. But I stayed with my feelings. I said, “I’m not accusing you of anything. I feel sad and I didn’t want to hide it from you when you asked me directly how I felt. I wasn’t being honest when I said I was fine.”

    So then he shifted. He tried to explain (thinking posture) his “position.” I listened. I heard him.

    Then he finally reiterated what it was I was actually feeling and the whole thing shifted. He called me to him and we sat on the couch and he was touching me and suddenly he shared—it was his estranged daughter’s birthday and he was feeling very sad. I didn’t know about that.

    This then led to lying down together and he shared more—this straightforward openness. I just held him and listened. I kept thinking I needed to say reassuring things, but then I would remember to just feel and be with. And the more I just stayed quiet and attentive, the more he opened up.

    It was remarkable.

    Two days later, I shared again—a feeling that came from that first exchange. This time the defensiveness was briefer and quickly he saw I was on his side. I simply shared my feelings of care for him and for us in the midst of what worried me.

    The hard situation became one we cared about together, instead of against one another. It was really lovely.

    I have to add: this is a man who is an introvert and doesn’t share his feelings openly or easily. Everything comes through demonstrative acts, which are generous and wonderful but nonverbal.

    That’s made it scary to share. But on the other side this week, I feel so encouraged. Thank you Rori.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 8:36pm

  80. 80: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light- I just read your post.
    I wouldn’t allow the let downs of your past online dating experiences taint this one. If he’s coming to you, I would be open to seeing him. For me, I wouldn’t want a long distance thing though. The dress comment, makes me feel uncomfortable too. It triggers me…to feel like just a body. I’m all for compliments, but a man I’ve never met telling me what to wear feels icky.

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 8:47pm

  81. 81: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Millie 79

    “I’ve said some of this to men…but it doesn’t seem to be inspiring to them. I wonder deep down, if men just find me boring.”

    Millie, you come across as intelligent and sensitive. If I may, I think what men may be responding to is *you* find you boring. Because you are not. Who cares what they may or may not think of the things you say? What they will respond to is your energy, your enthusiasm, your warmth, your love for yourself and for your own life.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 1:49am

  82. 82: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I had been struggling with expressing something that seemed to come up every time FunnyCD mentioned smoking or drinking. I don’t like those habits and yet I’m not sure at this point if they are habits for him – I don’t detect any smell of smoke when I’m with him and he doesn’t seem to need to smoke when we’ve spent long periods of time together. I can’t concentrate fully when there’s the smell of smoke – my mind fogs over and I find it difficult to concentrate and listen. The same with drinking. I didn’t want to get into ‘I don’t date people who…’ and I didn’t want to suppress my concerns. I stayed with my feelings and detected that I wasn’t sharing this part of me (and so in a way wasn’t present in that way when we’re together) – what those aversions are actually about; the kind of living I’m interested in. I shared and at the same time connected back to what was so special to me about this way of living – and clarity was what I sensed happened between us. He wants me to share more and expressed his availability anytime for me to talk to him.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 2:10am

  83. 83: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I am busy watching Made of Honor (I am in bed with a cold :/ ) where the Patrick Dempsey character and the Michelle Monaghan character are best friends, and I can’t help but notice how leany forward her character is. It makes me feel cringey to see her leaning forward body language, and how she is up in his personal space and her suggestive comments. It makes me think it is only in the movies where this kind of thing would work on a guy.

    Funny how sensitive you are to these kinds of things when you discuss Rori’s ways every day.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 3:05am

  84. 84: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Millie #79,
    Beautiful Siren… I feel love and happiness reading the story of your father and you growing up… :-)

    You have a true life vision of what a good father looks like… was he a good husband?

    So you share with your cds that “I know it takes dating and friendship first but I am looking for marriage and kids and a man who wants these also…”

    For me, when I share what I am looking for in a relationship…
    It isn’t important if THEY are inspired…
    It’s important to ME that I KNOW and I am clear…

    If they are NOT looking for this
    1) I know NOT to get my heart entangeled (but they May be someone to practice with for a short time)
    2) Or to say “this isn’t what I am looking for and I wish you the best…”
    For me…
    I don’t share my vision of what I am looking for in a relationship, to try and persuade them of anything…

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 4:11am

  85. 85: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Indigo)))
    Get well soon!!!

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 4:12am

  86. 86: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Surferchica #81…
    Mmmmm… so lovely to read about how sharing authentic feelings in an open and vulnerable way creates such a warm connection…

    I struggle with just listening and NOT saying reassuring things, although I know Rori says not to…

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 4:23am

  87. 87: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid L…
    You shared that you are feeling ‘uneasy and anxious” because he is coming from a distance…
    Does this come from you feeling
    Not worthy of him taking time and effort to see you?…

    For me it does sound exciting and romantic to have a date with an out-of-town man…
    which I’ve never had happen..

    This is just me but…
    I don’t do long distance relationships… but I’ve heard about some great relationships that started long distance…

    Still it would be fun to meet someone who is flying in and having a date with ME!!!

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 4:36am

  88. 88: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica #84…
    I love how you approached the no drinking and no smoking
    It feels easy to listen to when it’s put in the context of a positive…
    the kind of life I’m interested in living… and what is special about that…
    Mmmm and he responded soo well..
    IT’s all in the approach and our choice of words
    Lovely…

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 5:27am

  89. 89: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Millie the depth of you might scare the immature boys. Which is really what you want. A man by your side, not a boy. The ones who know they have growing up to do will disappear. Just keep moving forward and being you. You sound so clear on your dreams. The right one will stick. Nothing you’ve said is boring at all. It is inspiring. Some people will just not be on the same page with you. Don’t judge them for it. Don’t judge yourself. Just keep on keeping on.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 5:58am

  90. 90: SurferchicaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Azure Blue #88

    I think my biggest struggle in this whole “share your feelings” gig is that I get caught between having a feeling and having a want. A feeling is “I feel sad that I am going home.” Having a want is “I wish you would tell me to stay over.”

    A feeling is: “I feel sexy.”

    A want is: “I wish you would tell me I look sexy.”

    A feeling is: “I feel lonely.”

    A want is: “I wish you would know to come over to my house tonight.”

    A feeling is: “I don’t feel aroused.”

    A want is: “Do these things to help me get aroused.”

    You know what? This just helped me to write these out. It really did! I was trying to think about how to share what is troubling or hard for me and this is it. I endlessly think of what *he could do* to help my feelings, when what Rori is saying is to sink into the actual feelings themselves.

    So my guy of three years (we’re both 52 years old) is this incredibly kind, caring, “there for you” kind of guy. I have zero doubt that he loves me and is here for the long haul if I want him to be. But he doesn’t express in words the romantic stuff I got from him in the first six months. He’s in the safe, happy, secure place in our relationship now where he doesn’t have to work to win me (which has its own great benefits for both of us).

    Still, there are times I would just love him to be like, “Damn girl, you look hot!” rather than “That dress looks nice. I like it.” (Which is invariably followed by touching me, kissing me, or sometimes even being drawn to the bedroom!)

    So it’s not like he doesn’t show his emotion (he does all the time). He just doesn’t *say* it and I am a wordy person (writer for a living). It’s an adjustment—one I’m trying to make peace with, but also learning how to be real (not hide my feelings, not direct his actions).

    Does this make sense? Do you see what I mean?

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 6:25am

  91. 91: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Surferchica,
    thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing yourself here…
    It is soooo helpful for me to read about a longer term relationship where you are using the rori tools…
    yeah… I do understand…
    I love reading how some sirens share the soft, warm way they express feeling messages
    I know Rori says to simply say… I feel sad, angry, yummy… etc..
    but sometimes to also get really deep into them
    Like… “I feel like a butterfly who is gently protected with a warm hand when I’m in your arms”
    men LOVE to hear these things…
    AND so do I… :-)

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 6:47am

  92. 92: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu, thank you so much dear :) x

    Surferchica 92, I identify with this so much, especially feelings vs. wants. I think that’s why it’s so helpful for me to check my expectations before expressing anything. If I express “I feel” and it’s secretly accompanied by “I wish you would do…” I find it better not to say that. If I truly have a wish, I would rather express that authentically, like “I would love it if you gave me a hug”.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 6:47am

  93. 93: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Surfershica,
    Yes…. directing a mans actions is MY FAVORITE thing to do… I can’t believe how difficult it is for me NOT to do this!!!
    It makes my tone and words bossy and disrespectful…
    I’ve just recently realized how yucky it makes ME feel when I do this…
    And it pushes the guys away!!!

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 6:50am

  94. 94: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    I think if I’m beginning to FEEL YUCKY when I DIRECT a mans’ actions…
    It means I am getting MORE and MORE sinsative to this and maybe can actually stop myself BEFORE I do this or
    At the very least… stop myself in the middle of doing it!! ;~}
    baby steps!!!

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 6:59am

  95. 95: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light I would go and try to shake off any thoughts of pressure, think of it like a potential holiday fling, the opposite of pressure.

    Wrt asking you to wear the dress, thats hot. Thats a alpha male. He likes you and wants meet you and wants you to know that. So I would be feeling super flattered and turned on by his forwardness tbh.

    Id accept the date with him, tell him how I feel about being asked to wear the dress (blushing, embarrassed, insecure, nervous?) and lean way back.

    Hows the new apt and job??

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 10:24am

  96. 96: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the feedback, ladies, I really appreciate it.

    Kyla, your take is very interesting. That he’s an alpha male. I like alpha males. I just feel uncomfortable with his focus on the dress. He’s brought it up a few times and it makes me feel like he will probably be too aggressive, and too pushy and too focused on the physical. That keeps happening and its been a real turnoff. I don’t want to feel like I am fending someone off. Also, it feels disrespectful to be treated like that.

    I’m also really guarded now about meeting men from online dating. My experiences have mostly been really really disappointing. Now, I’m just expecting that the guy will either be too forward/sexual or just kinda slimy in other unattractive ways. I know what you all are going to say to that, change my attitude etc. etc. Its just happened so many times that I’m realizing that I need to be a lot more selective about who I meet. Because I’m getting some of those vibes from LD already, I feel hesitant and generally kinda negative/low expectations about him already. So it just feels like well its going to be another s****y date so why bother especially if he’s coming all that way. I would feel guilty and pressured to not react negatively toward him and then I would resent it. Just thinking out loud of worst case scenario. And please don’t jump down my throat ladies for being so hard on men. I know I am but I know from personal experience that most of the men I’m meeting out there don’t meet up to my standards and expectations at all and I just want to meet someone who does, dammit! Grrrr! Sorry…

    /end of rant/

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 11:51am

  97. 97: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so fascinated how themes arise in a day. SO many of you talking about feeling messages and being from where they come, true feelings or wanting to manage, direct, maybe manipulate subtly. This has been the topic of the day for me in my work. Maybe this will help.

    http://sexandheart.com/using-feeling-messages/

    xxoo

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 11:58am

  98. 98: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique,

    I loved this article of yours. The other night I was with D and I chose to focus on how he turned my chin up towards his face so he could kiss me in the most casual and affectionate way, how he was so concerned for what I was going to eat for supper and if I wanted any treats that I particularly liked. It felt so good to sink into those feelings and melt, and thank him for the yumminess from that good-feeling place.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 12:14pm

  99. 99: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo…
    that feels sooo good to read… focusing on the positive!!

    Dominique…
    I do love this article…
    I especially love the part about focusing on the positive…
    So many times I focus on what I THINK is NOT working when there are soooo many things that ARE wonderful!!!
    I especially do this with men I am dating…
    A good reminder…

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 1:02pm

  100. 100: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I too tend to focus too much on the negative when there are SO many positives in my relationship. I also over think which tends to create issues that were never there in the first place. Ugh

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 3:04pm

  101. 101: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla, thanks for asking about my job and my move. I started my new job a few weeks ago. Initially, it was really stressful and challenging. Things are getting better as I get to know people there and how things are done. I still really feel out of my element at times though since everyone there is so much more articulate than I when it comes to talking about design and their rationale etc. I’m OK at doing the design but I’m really not that great at all when it comes to talking about it :( So I definitely feel intimidated in meetings etc. Sigh.

    I’m moving this Saturday and I can’t wait! I am SO EXCITED. I can’t wait to be in my new place, its going to feel like a bit of a do-over since when I moved here a year ago, I was in such a tizzy and bad state of mind, it all seemed surreal, like it wasn’t really happening. And in that miserable state of mind, I ended up in an apartment that I really didn’t like at all. I can’t wait to get out of here!

    It sounds like your move went amazingly well. I am so happy for you and all the wonderful things that are happening in your life, Kyla. It really is so inspiring to read about!

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 3:21pm

  102. 102: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid…
    Do you have it alll packed up? Since you are moving on Sat? :~*}

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 4:48pm

  103. 103: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    My posts aren’t showing up. Hmm

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 7:17pm

  104. 104: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Azure 86–

    When is a good time to make an assertion like that? I’ve never felt it was the “right time” to say something like that unless the man directly asks me what I want. On other occasions, when I’ve concerned myself with the relationship having a direction, I feel the man withdraw.
    I don’t really know when to assert a desire as serious as that.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 7:31pm

  105. 105: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman– thank you, sometimes I feel like I have no depth, but maybe I’m just unable to tap into that depth in front of men I like.

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 7:32pm

  106. 106: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 90 – Oh, I agree, the words make such a difference and it’s opened up a lot of sharing on his side too. I feel much better and also that there is now more of me present in this dating. I feel relieved that I avoid a trap in speaking about this.

    xx

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 8:53pm

  107. 107: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo -64- I have inner yes-es going on while reading this. That’s beautiful to experience. I hope you get well – the flu has been crazy this year.
    xx

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 8:57pm

  108. 108: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique – thank you for the article. x

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 10:04pm

  109. 109: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel filled to the brim with excitement! Lately I’ve been watching this show, where the main character is like a horse whisperer. Her whole family lives on a ranch in Canada. I can’t tell you how light, airy, and motivated I feel watching this show. Partly because it inspires my wants for my own life and partly because I love horses. I haven’t ridden since I was 11, but I loved horses and riding as a young girl. I live near a stable and this week decided to go visit and schedule a lesson!! I am ecstatic. It’s at 8 am on sat, I don’t even mind staying home Friday night to rest for it! I’m so fortunate that I have had three callings in life… To dance, to create clothes, and to ride…. Such a natural high! I can’t wait! Riding and the idea of living on a ranch makes me feel connected to nature. Nevermind the bug buzzing around my room right now… That does not make me feel connected. Go away bug!

    This week I’ve also changed some bad habits. Usually, I drink every night and when I feel depressed or anxious.. I smoke. I tried to quit and am disappointed to say I caved. But this week I changed my habits…. Didn’t drink, didn’t smoke. I did constructive things like wash my car, even though it was late, alter some skirts, make pickles! I’ve been taking care of myself this week and… It feels good!!! It feels good to be in my right mind and putting my well being as the priority.
    Ahh goodnight sirens :)

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 12:30am

  110. 110: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Millie #106,
    Mmmm… My approach is that I’m Not Asserting my desires for a life long committed relationship…
    I am sharing my path and
    what I have in mind while I am dating…
    The earlier I share this, the easier it is because there are no feelings yet on either side…

    It’s like sharing… I like to fish, I love the color blue, I’m looking for a man who is wanting a long term, committed relationship (or in your case… marriage and children) I know this takes dating and friendship first….
    I share this with my dates by the 2nd or 3rd date…

    There are Many men who are looking for this also and so I really don’t want to waste their time or mine if they aren’t looking for this…
    It has gotten soooo easy to say…
    and I have met quality men because of this…

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 1:23am

  111. 111: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo #64
    I read what you shared again and I have pasted and copied it into my
    “how to share my feelings about sex with a man” folder

    “For me, sexual intimacy and enjoyment is built up gently and respectfully, with loving touches and kisses, so that you feel coaxed open, so that it is an emotionally connected experience, ”

    I love this and will share this with
    Spiritcd tomorrow night when we go to the
    German Beer Garden and salsa dancing!!

    I’ll let you Sirens know what happens!
    ;>)

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 1:28am

  112. 112: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica 109,

    I feel so happy :) Thank you for the get well wishes… there was a time when a flu bug would hit and I would be up and over it in 2 days. I am on day 4 now and only just starting to emerge from the fog, but it feels good to feel a little better, very good.

    xxx

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 2:04am

  113. 113: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu,

    I feel so delighted that you liked my words and want to share them with Spiritcd :)

    German beer garden and salsa dancing sounds like a great deal of fun!!

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 2:06am

  114. 114: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Millie,

    YAY you!!!

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 2:06am

  115. 115: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yayyy you Millie!!

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 7:05am

  116. 116: taneaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone,

    Have a question to ask

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 8:30am

  117. 117: taneaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello everyone,

    Was reading about Rori and decided to give it a try.
    Anyway been talking with this guy for 2 years. His divorce was final 2 months after I met him. He left to start driving over the road. We still kept in contact and he finally came back home. He was back and forth because I guess the divorce was hard for him. She’s 17 or 18 years older than he is and he told me he was ready to be with someone close to his age. This guy would always ignore my calls when he wanted to chase her and i always took him back rregrdless of what he did. After she moved to california he went out where she was and didnt even have enough respect to tell me. So after he changed his number and followed her he finally called back maybe a month and half later to tell me he was there and wasnt happy with her and was coming back home. I talked this guy on and off for almost 30 hours!!!! that long bc he had to drive back to georgia. So after he got back I did go back to him because he was doing so good. Would nt you know he turned a small argument into something big and stop responding to me. We would be together on the weekend but still not much. This was in April when he left her and now its July and he sent a text saying his past is now his future because he remarried her!! Im just in a bad situation with this guy. He tells me how much he loves me but does the same thing to me. We went ring shopping i June bc he say he was ready for me to be his wife!!! im confused as ever and need major advice!!!!! Deep down inside i feel as if he is gonna contact me again saying that he’s not happy with her because she 46 and cant give him kids and other things!

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 8:41am

  118. 118: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Azure– I think I need to get comfortable saying it, without reservation, or care for their reaction.

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 8:42am

  119. 119: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – It’s good to hear that you’re happy and the flu-fog doesn’t even get you down – yay. It’s difficult for me when I get flu-fog because I like having a clear mind to think with. I’ll think of your happiness when I get the flu-fog.

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 10:12am

  120. 120: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    hey Veronica,

    I wish I could claim that I am happy when I have the flu, but actually I was just happy that my words resonated with you :)

    The truth is I feel very weak and restless and feverish, and sorry for myself, when I have the flu, and generally land up in tears at least once :/

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 11:50am

  121. 121: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 120 – Oh oops. But yay that resonating is happening.

    I hope you return to health soon. I feel let down when I get sick – as in I let myself down, I should have taken better care of myself. Not always true. Sometimes I feel nervous about embracing a full love for myself.

    xx

    Friday, 25 July 2014 @ 10:58pm

  122. 122: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    tanea what you wrote suggests you are the rebound girl. You have to decide if you feel good being the second fiddle that he will never prioritize.

    Tuesday, 2 September 2014 @ 8:05am

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