I was asked: “What about the words you say you teach people to use?”
Here was my answer:
The words and body language and all the other tools I developed and teach look very different on different sides of the relationship dynamic.
I talk about choosing to be the masculine energy partner or the feminine energy partner, and that there has to be one of each in a relationship – regardless of gender or who chooses which role, but that you have to choose.
Masculine energy is about thinking, about action – making decisions, being in charge, delegating tasks, just generally doing, and feminine energy is about feelings – about expressing feelings, about intuition, and sensuality, and fun, and about just being. And not doing.
The principle’s the same whether it’s a relationship between two men or two women, or a woman and a man.
For starters, we have to choose to be either the ‘boy” or the “girl” in the relationship.
If we’re both acting like boys, all up in our heads, thinking, then who’s doing the feeling?
We’re just butting heads all the time – arguing and thinking and doing.
Someone has to be doing the deeper, more sensual, intuitive, softer, feeling aspects of the relationship, or there’s no juice, no excitement, no heart connection.
After the first flush of chemistry fades, there’s no connection, and the relationship disappears, which is what I think is happening out there.
In my coaching, I work with women who want to be the “feeling” partner. The “girl.”
Men need to learn how to tell a woman that he wants to be spoken to with respect. Most of us are accustomed to being verbally attacked on some level.
And men need to learn to treasure a woman’s feelings, because that’s his way into the intimacy of a real relationship, by getting close and accessing his woman’s feelings.
And I teach women who want to be the “girls” in a relationship to surrender control – instead of working so hard to manage the relationship – to work at it and think it – to switch into treating themselves wonderfully, and taking care of themselves. To do so much less in a relationship, and to get out of our heads and into our feelings and our bodies.
To feel our way through.
So many of us women are basically holding up our relationships all by ourselves.
We’ve forgotten how to just be.
It’s not as easy as it sounds.
Essentially, it’s about completely dismantling our defense mechanisms – baby-step by baby-step so that we don’t shock ourselves, though if you’re brave enough, you can make this shift in days.
For the “feminine energy” partner – or the “girl,” speaking from your heart looks like this:
“I’m really angry… about this thing that happened…!
Instead of confronting him with his failure to make you happy – such as: “You don’t have to do that, or you always do that, or why did you do that, or please don’t do that, or you really shouldn’t do that, or can’t you see why you shouldn’t do that…” (which is the same thing as actually pushing your partner away with your fists), you share with him your feeling state.
You say: I’m feeling so angry. Period. That’s all you say.
Let him ask “What’s up?”
Or see if he attacks you.
And then you share how that attack feels to you. “I feel defensive, I feel like I have to protect myself. Feels like fear. Like I’m being attacked…” (NOT: “…that you’re attacking me…”)
With the added statement: “I don’t want to feel this way…”
It really sounds so simple and direct, and once you get the hang of it, it is.
It’s just a little scary, because here we are, exposing what’s underneath the mask.
And we don’t have to dredge it up or analyze it, we just have to verbalize it simply – I feel.blank.
Early on, when you first start communicating in this new way, it may seem very messy to you, and sometimes very unnatural.
If you practice – most women get the hang of it in a few days. It’s scary being vulnerable and authentic, which is where you want to be.
It feels messy compared to the pattern we usually follow of trying to control a situation or our partner with words.
For the masculine energy partner the words and body language look like good leadership skills you’d use in business – an ability to negotiate in good faith, to consider the other person’s feelings before you make decisions – being decisive, being firm about requiring respect, emotional intelligence.