Here’s part of a conversation with a client I’ll call “Toni” – where she’s moving (at the speed of light, truly…) from overfunctioning, controlling, anger-filled and resentment-filled communication, fighting, arguments, blaming…everything going wrong – to ease, harmony, smiling, affection, love, laughing…everything going WELL!
This letter is happening at the point where Toni’s making a real effort to put the Tools into practice and experiencing both great results, and the fear that ANY “change” brings…
I wanted to send you an update. I have so much going on and I need to get it out.
Things in the relationship are up and down.
They’re really good one day, and then really bad the next. I continue to do things (on purpose and by accident) to trigger arguments. Today has been really hard because I am starting to feel a LOT of anxiety lately. More than I have felt in a really long time.
I feel scared! Scared that things won’t work out and scared that they will. It’s crazy. I want to cover it up with anger, but it’s harder to do for some reason.
I am terrified to be away from him. Like everything is on the brink of falling apart. We have been bickering a lot the last several days, and had two really big arguments last week.
Last Thursday I couldn’t stand him and was pretty sure that I was done. Then by Friday evening I was wondering how I could ever be without him.
I’m all over the place. (But I had really pulled away on Thursday and he stepped up and was very loving and kind and supportive. So I got close again, and then Sunday was bad again).
I’m having some good insights. I had a moment of clarity where I totally understood that all I had to do was be true to myself and my feelings – which doesn’t mean criticizing, blaming, etc.
It all made total sense. Very empowering.
Then I got freaked out because I felt more independent and separate.
I’ve had a nagging sense for years that I keep things on edge emotionally because I (in bold capital letter) can’t handle intimacy. It’s been a vague fear that if I’m not the one pursuing, I’ll lose interest.
So I keep myself in this fragile place emotionally because it keeps me feeling connected somehow, and allows me to act in ways where I get rejected and then I feel inadequate and wrong and unlovable.
Then I put up with things that I know I shouldn’t – but I also know that somehow I’m creating them because I’m more comfortable being rejected and trying to fight my way back in.
(This feels very powerful. I’m crying and feel very sad. Like I’ve really abandoned myself.) I’m not sure where to go with all of this. I feel very anxious and alone and scared.
I want to start working on how to talk about some of the big issues for me in our relationship. I also need to work on the anxiety I am feeling that causes me to want to start a fight just to release some energy.
Toni…You sound fantastic!
I know it feels crappy – but here’s the truth – things feel chaotic and stirred up right before you leap into a new level of consciousness and experience.
The trick is to ride the wave of the anxiety and other feelings rather than trying to figure them out.
Just EMBRACING everything you feel, sitting with it – not trying to DO anything about it.
It’s natural to bounce around out of fear… – yes, we all fear what we want, and intimacy is the number one fear of all of us.
We fear merging, and want to merge – and intimacy feels like merging – but it isn’t.
You have to stay whole enough to be intimate – so that’s the trick.
You are DOING this!
For you – not “spewing” out the energy that’s welling up inside you is key – write it out instead, or talk to yourself in the mirror.
Breathe, practice going inside, and way outside rather than hanging in your head.
Touch things, dance, move…
What I think would be the best thing for us to do is script.
We could take ever single conversation and argument you’ve had, and redo them differently.
Just keep doing what you’re doing… and fear is part of the teacher, here….