Comments on: Befriending And Helping A Man Will Get You Gratitude — But Not Love http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:25:06 +0000 hourly 1 By: lm http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-30817 lm Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:28:43 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-30817 my guy had drug, alcohol and mood issues when i met him. i didn't realise the extent of these problems until i was well into the relationship and felt trapped, obsessed and weak. it was crazy for me for a while. i was angry, insecure, depressed. but i focused on me, got my strength back and refused to let his moods affect my own happiness (i found that reiki, hypnotherapy and buddhist philosophy helped a lot in these areas, along with rori's tools). he tried to use me as a counsellor at one point and i told him that i didn't want to be that person for him. he started helping himself. now he never parties, drinks lightly once a week at most (instead of getting drunk every day) and exercises every day after work to deal with his moods. i didn't ask him to do any of these things, but i think my leaning back made him pull himself up by his own bootstraps for the first time in his life. in the past, he'd been mothered and babied by girlfriends whom he took advantage of. but i knew i didn't want that. regardless of how this turns out, i know my own self-worth and my trust in him to deal with his own issues were integral to his healing (and mine!). my guy had drug, alcohol and mood issues when i met him. i didn’t realise the extent of these problems until i was well into the relationship and felt trapped, obsessed and weak. it was crazy for me for a while. i was angry, insecure, depressed. but i focused on me, got my strength back and refused to let his moods affect my own happiness (i found that reiki, hypnotherapy and buddhist philosophy helped a lot in these areas, along with rori’s tools). he tried to use me as a counsellor at one point and i told him that i didn’t want to be that person for him. he started helping himself. now he never parties, drinks lightly once a week at most (instead of getting drunk every day) and exercises every day after work to deal with his moods. i didn’t ask him to do any of these things, but i think my leaning back made him pull himself up by his own bootstraps for the first time in his life. in the past, he’d been mothered and babied by girlfriends whom he took advantage of. but i knew i didn’t want that. regardless of how this turns out, i know my own self-worth and my trust in him to deal with his own issues were integral to his healing (and mine!).

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-27400 Rori Raye Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:39:18 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-27400 Jennie - Whoa!!! It's only 3 months!! You're moving too fast!!! Once a week is nothing. You can't build a relationship on that. Even a young man I dated many years ago knew he needed to book me up 2 times in a week. This man is totally snowing you with words, and you're afraid to speak your truth. Write a speech, please, like you would compose an email to him. Next time you see him, and he brings up your relationship and you dating other men, and all that...ask..."Well, what would it look like if I agreed to try not dating other men for a month, let's say? Would I see you more often? Would we talk more often?" In other words...your ideas of what a relationship is and isn't might be very different. For 3 months, seeing him once a week - you are "just" dating. When he talks relationship - call his bluff. Smile...ask him what he wants to do...Love, Rori Jennie – Whoa!!! It’s only 3 months!! You’re moving too fast!!! Once a week is nothing. You can’t build a relationship on that. Even a young man I dated many years ago knew he needed to book me up 2 times in a week. This man is totally snowing you with words, and you’re afraid to speak your truth. Write a speech, please, like you would compose an email to him. Next time you see him, and he brings up your relationship and you dating other men, and all that…ask…”Well, what would it look like if I agreed to try not dating other men for a month, let’s say? Would I see you more often? Would we talk more often?” In other words…your ideas of what a relationship is and isn’t might be very different. For 3 months, seeing him once a week – you are “just” dating. When he talks relationship – call his bluff. Smile…ask him what he wants to do…Love, Rori

]]> By: Jennie http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-27392 Jennie Wed, 20 Jan 2010 02:47:29 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-27392 Rori, Please help me. I’m sad and angry and on the verge of tears every moment of the day. I need some direction, please. I don’t even know where to begin my head is spinning. I started seeing someone about three months ago – but it has without a doubt been the most odd and frustrating “relationship” I have ever been involved in. We see each other maybe once a week – a lot of these times are when we meet out for drinks – sometimes late on wknd nights. When we are together we have these incredible converstations. We have shared our feelings for each other, have talked about the future, he even told me last Wednesday that he loves me and he feels that being “in love” with me is going to come as well. I have told him I want a real relationship, that I want to feel safe and happy and before that happens I will be dating other men. He also sees someone once in awhile but they have not had sex in months (we too have not had sex…he’s not a man whore by any means). He naturally doesn’t like that I’m dating others. We’ve both shared that we want a relationship, that we love being in relationships and yet this is going nowhere. In his own words he said ‘we’re in limbo and I hate limbo. You’re scared that I won’t commit and I’m scared that you won’t be able to let go of these other men’, so here we are stuck in limbo and you won’t pull the trigger and I won’t pull the trigger’. I have told him I need him to make the effort but he just doesn’t seem to do it. Last Wed. after one of our very deep conversations (my heart sings when we talk like this) he told me that his big fear is that he’s afraid he can’t make me happy. I told him that couldn’t be further from the truth that I feel completely happy when we’re together, he makes me laugh and I feel safe. I said it’s when we’re not together that things feel awkward. I trust him. He is a good man. He looks me directly in the eyes and is always the initiator of talks about the relationship and the future. I saw him Wed. I invited him over to dinner on Friday, Saturday he told me he couldn’t (had a friend in from out of town), and now it’s Tues and I haven’t heard from him. This is frequently how it goes. I never know when I’ll hear from him or see him again. The problem is that while I’m dating others I don’t know if I can take this any longer. I feel I’m falling apart at the seams. But at the same time my gut is telling me this is the guy. I have never (I’m 34) felt this kind of connection and chemistry with another man. He too told me he’s only felt this way about someone 2 or 3 times before (he’s 37). It is like magic when we’re together. I just cannot, for the life of me, figure out why he says all of these wonderful things and doesn’t follow it up with action. I’m thinking of sending him an email telling him of my feelings. That this is too hard to continue to do adn that I want to find a real serious relationship but that it’s too hard to do while he’s in my life. I want to ask him not to contact me so that I can find something meaningful, that I feel sad but I need to move on. Please send me your thoughts Jen Rori,

Please help me. I’m sad and angry and on the verge of tears every moment of the day. I need some direction, please.

I don’t even know where to begin my head is spinning. I started seeing someone about three months ago – but it has without a doubt been the most odd and frustrating “relationship” I have ever been involved in. We see each other maybe once a week – a lot of these times are when we meet out for drinks – sometimes late on wknd nights. When we are together we have these incredible converstations. We have shared our feelings for each other, have talked about the future, he even told me last Wednesday that he loves me and he feels that being “in love” with me is going to come as well. I have told him I want a real relationship, that I want to feel safe and happy and before that happens I will be dating other men. He also sees someone once in awhile but they have not had sex in months (we too have not had sex…he’s not a man whore by any means). He naturally doesn’t like that I’m dating others. We’ve both shared that we want a relationship, that we love being in relationships and yet this is going nowhere. In his own words he said ‘we’re in limbo and I hate limbo. You’re scared that I won’t commit and I’m scared that you won’t be able to let go of these other men’, so here we are stuck in limbo and you won’t pull the trigger and I won’t pull the trigger’. I have told him I need him to make the effort but he just doesn’t seem to do it. Last Wed. after one of our very deep conversations (my heart sings when we talk like this) he told me that his big fear is that he’s afraid he can’t make me happy. I told him that couldn’t be further from the truth that I feel completely happy when we’re together, he makes me laugh and I feel safe. I said it’s when we’re not together that things feel awkward. I trust him. He is a good man. He looks me directly in the eyes and is always the initiator of talks about the relationship and the future. I saw him Wed. I invited him over to dinner on Friday, Saturday he told me he couldn’t (had a friend in from out of town), and now it’s Tues and I haven’t heard from him. This is frequently how it goes. I never know when I’ll hear from him or see him again.

The problem is that while I’m dating others I don’t know if I can take this any longer. I feel I’m falling apart at the seams. But at the same time my gut is telling me this is the guy. I have never (I’m 34) felt this kind of connection and chemistry with another man. He too told me he’s only felt this way about someone 2 or 3 times before (he’s 37). It is like magic when we’re together. I just cannot, for the life of me, figure out why he says all of these wonderful things and doesn’t follow it up with action.

I’m thinking of sending him an email telling him of my feelings. That this is too hard to continue to do adn that I want to find a real serious relationship but that it’s too hard to do while he’s in my life. I want to ask him not to contact me so that I can find something meaningful, that I feel sad but I need to move on.

Please send me your thoughts
Jen

]]> By: Jabeen http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-21059 Jabeen Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:57:43 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-21059 Hi Rori, just wanted to say oooops to my rant last week, everything is alright *phew.* I panicked for no reason then I ranted incoherently on here. I really need your tools, lol. No but in all seriousness I do. All these things are new, unlearning what we've learned all these years and balancing between learning new tools and accepting ourselves....sometimes we make mistakes like the one I made last week. But your material is just so terrific and it's very practical. It's as if we have always known all these things all along....but it was subconscious and buried, hidden away so deep that it was impossible to articulate exactly. You have helped greatly in identified and shedding light on all this knowledge that we as women had innately but had it lost in the shuffle. Thanks so much for that. Oh, and if it's possible to delete my rant above...feel free to do so. Or should I say, PLEASE do so lol. Hi Rori, just wanted to say oooops to my rant last week, everything is alright *phew.* I panicked for no reason then I ranted incoherently on here. I really need your tools, lol. No but in all seriousness I do. All these things are new, unlearning what we’ve learned all these years and balancing between learning new tools and accepting ourselves….sometimes we make mistakes like the one I made last week. But your material is just so terrific and it’s very practical. It’s as if we have always known all these things all along….but it was subconscious and buried, hidden away so deep that it was impossible to articulate exactly. You have helped greatly in identified and shedding light on all this knowledge that we as women had innately but had it lost in the shuffle. Thanks so much for that.

Oh, and if it’s possible to delete my rant above…feel free to do so. Or should I say, PLEASE do so lol.

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-20285 Rori Raye Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:37:22 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-20285 LaVerne, Welcome, and wish I could help you more. I'm troubled by the thought that he actually pursued you for 4 months and then said he was never interested. Either he's completely a fool, or you are having difficulty getting what's going on with you and a man. Did he actually ask you out for a date? If so, and you accepted, bringing a friend was very inappropriate. If there was a different scenario, please let me know and I'll go from there. Love, Rori LaVerne, Welcome, and wish I could help you more. I’m troubled by the thought that he actually pursued you for 4 months and then said he was never interested. Either he’s completely a fool, or you are having difficulty getting what’s going on with you and a man. Did he actually ask you out for a date? If so, and you accepted, bringing a friend was very inappropriate. If there was a different scenario, please let me know and I’ll go from there. Love, Rori

]]> By: La'Verne Godfrey-Jones http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-20282 La'Verne Godfrey-Jones Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:44:23 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-20282 After persuing me 4 months, I finally deciding to spend time with this guy. We were attracted to each other from first sight. I asked my friend to join us; I was nervous to be alone with him. He and I had a great time, we played, laughed, flirted, it was nice. I didn't realize that he had a problem with me bringing my friend along, until one of his relative told me that next day. When I spoke with him, he told me that he wasn't interested in me. He also stated that he moves around too much to be playing games with me. I don't understand, because he persued me for so long and we had such a great time. I did leave him alone, but I was hurt. Should I just forget about him? After persuing me 4 months, I finally deciding to spend time with this guy. We were attracted to each other from first sight. I asked my friend to join us; I was nervous to be alone with him. He and I had a great time, we played, laughed, flirted, it was nice. I didn’t realize that he had a problem with me bringing my friend along, until one of his relative told me that next day. When I spoke with him, he told me that he wasn’t interested in me. He also stated that he moves around too much to be playing games with me. I don’t understand, because he persued me for so long and we had such a great time. I did leave him alone, but I was hurt. Should I just forget about him?

]]> By: Jabeen http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-20156 Jabeen Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:02:17 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-20156 Ooops, hit submit too early accidentally (what a day, huh lol). I was going to say honest I truly sincerely just couldn't find this place and felt lost. I asked for directions and did everything I could and for some reason I could not find the joint! I don't know why that happened, but I just feel really guilty that I didn't treat him the way I should have and he was always so good to me. And I didn't do it on purpose....I was literally lost! He asked me if I had run to the place at least once, I said more than once! I know this place that's why I picked it. I'm sorry, I just feel like crying. Ooops, hit submit too early accidentally (what a day, huh lol). I was going to say honest I truly sincerely just couldn’t find this place and felt lost. I asked for directions and did everything I could and for some reason I could not find the joint! I don’t know why that happened, but I just feel really guilty that I didn’t treat him the way I should have and he was always so good to me. And I didn’t do it on purpose….I was literally lost! He asked me if I had run to the place at least once, I said more than once! I know this place that’s why I picked it. I’m sorry, I just feel like crying.

]]> By: Jabeen http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-20155 Jabeen Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:57:58 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-20155 Hi Rori, I need some help here if it's alright. I'm sorry if I'm bothering but, I just have to...well....do the girl thing and I feel that this is the right place to do it. I was supposed to meet a guy I really liked this morning for ice cream. I had asked him (I have a good reason for that trust me) and picked the place and everything. I don't know why, but I could not find the place! I had been here 100 times and knew exactly where I was and going and here I come and I couldn't find it, Rori! I am not joking! Finally I did but he had already left and said we'll instead do lunch on Wed and he'll pick the spot. But I feel so stupid! See I met this guy where I used to work. He was a superior, at one time he was even my manager. On more than one occasion he was very helpful to me when I was sick and afraid of using vacation time and sick days and etc. This happened to me twice and he was extremely kind and helpful. He also helped me with customers whose mortgages were not being paid due to medical reasons and let's just say even with his job on the line he went out of his way to help people first. Last summer I was having an emotionally difficult time with the job and environment and he along with a few others were my rock to lean on and helped me get through. He finally one day asked if I was seeing anyone and told me how he thought I seemed like an excellent catch. He even asked me out but I turned him down because, well....I just wasn't in the mindset at that time. Nonetheless our relationship was still solid and I was still able to lean on him. So after awhile I felt like okay, I would like to talk to him further outside of work, plus I got laid off. But I had already turned him down! So I just said hey, thank you for being there for me and I would like to show my appreciation and treat you to ice cream. He said great. So we were supposed to meet today and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS! He was nice about it, he just told me to get a gps system....nevermind that I don't have the money but oh well. He said ice cream didn't workout today but we can meet wed for lunch at such and such a time, and I'll (he) pick the spot. I told him I drove all over the San Francisco Bay Area and here (I'm in Dallas now) I am unable to find a place I have been to hundreds of times within its own complex! Then I said this occasion calls for a multiple f word chanting. Then my phone drops but that's okay as he needs another phone too, but I digress. I know maybe I should leave it, he said he wants to still meet and if he didn't want to, he probably would not have offered. On the outside I am calm, and maintaining, I have not done the girl thing with him by whining or made too many excuses for myself lol. I apologized to him and said okay Wednesday it is, but Rori....did I mess this up? My internal mind won't shut up on analyzing, beating myself up, and hoping he doesn't think that I'm stupid. It WAS stupid thing to do but honest Hi Rori,

I need some help here if it’s alright. I’m sorry if I’m bothering but, I just have to…well….do the girl thing and I feel that this is the right place to do it.

I was supposed to meet a guy I really liked this morning for ice cream. I had asked him (I have a good reason for that trust me) and picked the place and everything. I don’t know why, but I could not find the place! I had been here 100 times and knew exactly where I was and going and here I come and I couldn’t find it, Rori! I am not joking! Finally I did but he had already left and said we’ll instead do lunch on Wed and he’ll pick the spot. But I feel so stupid!

See I met this guy where I used to work. He was a superior, at one time he was even my manager. On more than one occasion he was very helpful to me when I was sick and afraid of using vacation time and sick days and etc. This happened to me twice and he was extremely kind and helpful. He also helped me with customers whose mortgages were not being paid due to medical reasons and let’s just say even with his job on the line he went out of his way to help people first. Last summer I was having an emotionally difficult time with the job and environment and he along with a few others were my rock to lean on and helped me get through. He finally one day asked if I was seeing anyone and told me how he thought I seemed like an excellent catch. He even asked me out but I turned him down because, well….I just wasn’t in the mindset at that time. Nonetheless our relationship was still solid and I was still able to lean on him.

So after awhile I felt like okay, I would like to talk to him further outside of work, plus I got laid off. But I had already turned him down! So I just said hey, thank you for being there for me and I would like to show my appreciation and treat you to ice cream. He said great.

So we were supposed to meet today and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS! He was nice about it, he just told me to get a gps system….nevermind that I don’t have the money but oh well. He said ice cream didn’t workout today but we can meet wed for lunch at such and such a time, and I’ll (he) pick the spot. I told him I drove all over the San Francisco Bay Area and here (I’m in Dallas now) I am unable to find a place I have been to hundreds of times within its own complex! Then I said this occasion calls for a multiple f word chanting. Then my phone drops but that’s okay as he needs another phone too, but I digress.

I know maybe I should leave it, he said he wants to still meet and if he didn’t want to, he probably would not have offered. On the outside I am calm, and maintaining, I have not done the girl thing with him by whining or made too many excuses for myself lol. I apologized to him and said okay Wednesday it is, but Rori….did I mess this up? My internal mind won’t shut up on analyzing, beating myself up, and hoping he doesn’t think that I’m stupid. It WAS stupid thing to do but honest

]]> By: Flipper http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-18831 Flipper Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:16:29 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-18831 ..and do such fun, passionate things that you talk to him about, rather than about his concerns (he does enough of that on his own, and you're not his mother). This is Not 'rubbing it in'. This is inspiring him to feel 'hey, that sounds fantastic - so much better than wallowing. I'm gonna try a little harder to get a handle on my stuff so I can go see her and bask in her radiance without feeling guilty or weak.' xxoo ..and do such fun, passionate things that you talk to him about, rather than about his concerns (he does enough of that on his own, and you’re not his mother). This is Not ‘rubbing it in’. This is inspiring him to feel ‘hey, that sounds fantastic – so much better than wallowing. I’m gonna try a little harder to get a handle on my stuff so I can go see her and bask in her radiance without feeling guilty or weak.’ xxoo

]]> By: Nikita http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/befriending-and-helping-a-man-will-get-you-gratitude-but-not-love/comment-page-2/#comment-18803 Nikita Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:59:43 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=639#comment-18803 Take as much time as you need :) I trust you....... ......and then circular date.... Xoxo nikita Take as much time as you need :)
I trust you…….

……and then circular date….
Xoxo nikita

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