Blurtacious Women Don’t Have To Be Critical

Blurtacious Women Don’t Have To Be Critical – A Study

Here’s a note I got from Sarah with this link (let me know what you think):

“Rori- this article in Psychology Today made me nervous- (here it is again on a blog)- how would you work around something like this?

http://scottbarrykaufman.com/article/why-nagging-women-and-silent-men-drive-each-other-crazy/

I own your tools, I’d just love to see a post about this issue if possible…. thank you!

Sarah”

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

1,083 Comments to “Blurtacious Women Don’t Have To Be Critical – A Study”

1: Calypso says:

Yea! A new post!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:27am
2: Calypso says:

I can see how this might be true. I have no problem expressing myself quickly and enjoy verbal sparring with my man if he is the same. If he can’t handle it, I see a withdrawl and that quickly makes him uninteresting to me. It makes me feel like I am picking on him, which I do not like the thought of.

With GM, he and I both do this – quick verbal sparring. He is stronger then me tho and sometimes he takes it too far and I end up getting my feelings hurt for a minute, but then we are right back at it. It feels good to trust that component of a relationship. I’m happier when the man is equal to or stronger than me in this regard.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:34am
3: Femininewoman says:

“This sends the relationship on a downward spiral. Indeed, this “women demand-man withdraw” communication pattern is frequent among precarious couples and is a key predictor of divorce. Another communication problem for those in precarious relationships is the lack of mutual constructive communication, which happens when couples discuss a problem, express their feelings, and negotiate without resorting to blaming or verbal aggression. There’s hardly any mutual constructive communication among precarious couples”.

I see this intertwined with Rori’s what kind of intensity are you and emotional flooding. The key for me is finding some kind of balance and using my intuition to know when the other person is flooded respectfully allowing the other person to disengage to take care of themself if they need to. This I learned from interacting with a man I consider evolved.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:00am
4: bloom-ing says:

hmmmm blirting ? lol… i like larry david : )

i’m now totally in love with missy elliot. imagining ….. listen up, everyone ! we have just been informed that there’s an unknown virus that’s attacking all clubs. symptoms have been reported to be heavy breathing, wild dancing, coughing… so when you hear this sound: HOO DE HOOOOOO — RUN FOR COVER !

omg i love her so much.

this ? slide:

My twinkies looks stanky on the Benz
And don’t I gotta look sweet for my men’s
I make em think I got a whole bunch of paper
And even date a ball player from the Lakers
Now faker taker maker holla at ya later
Shake and wake up tell ‘em what to get my xss from Jacobs
That’s the way a real diva like to floss it
Buy a car, no matter what it cost us
Of course it’s my Rolls Royce’s made ‘em nauseous
Tell you who the mxtherfxckin’ boss is
I’m drivin’, you walkin’, that’s why you talkin’
See the chrome spinning on the wheels, stop jockin’
I’ma let you know real nice and slow
I’d be broke as a joke If I had to be your ho – so poor!
Missy on the rise like the Sun if you think
That I’m done, I ain’t even begun

….

Bo bo boom, bo bo boom, bo bo boom, bo bo boom Don’t it sound so fantastic?
My Lamborghini disappear like Houdini
Two-twenty, can’t see me – in a bottle like a Genie Teenie, Weenie
Now hate me like you hate to eat your Wheaties
Well here’s a freebie: I’ma let you see me on TV Acceptin’ my Emmy or a Grammy in Miami
I hit you with the one-two-whammie
Your no tooth granny with a hole in her panties

And I don’t give a shxt if you can’t stand me
’cause I is what I is, and what I am is like my Mammy
And I don’t mean to sound to petty
But they used to call me “fatty”
Till I got with Puff Daddy

mmmmm i love missy elliot !

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:31am
5: Starla says:

Wow, WarriorCD has asked me out on a third date before we have even had our second (which is sunday night). He wants to take me to the county fair:):) fun! maybe i can finally wear those d*mn boots. They’re mexican cowgirl boots, haha i hope they embarrass him as a ‘sophisticated’ mexican himself.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:40am
6: Rebecca says:

I was processing some of my emotions today regarding how much anger I feel towards my neighbour. I think basically one of the things is that he seems super, super in control. He talks about his life like he is always going somewhere, doing things etc, and I feel quite small when I talk to him. Basically, I have been wondering where all of this comes from inside me to feel so triggered and so jealous and whether it would help me to delve a bit deeper.

One of the things that came to mind was how much this guy reminds me of my brother. So I have decided to analyse my relationship with him in order to help me maybe deal with the feeling of inferiorority.

Firstly, my brother is 3 years younger than me, when we would physically fight as children he was always much stronger than me and I think I developed a real inferiorority complex towards him, and possibly all men. He was always better at everything than me and was a sort of golden boy. He is tall and good looking, whereas I am short and pear-shaped and not much to look at all. He was good at school and became Head boy. He always had lots of friends and girlfriends. He went to university and did really well and got married and now has a lovely house and children and is one of those people who is really, really sorted in his life. He is a really nice person but I feel soooo unbelieveably jealous of him. Like for everything that goes ‘right’ for him, something goes ‘wrong’ for me.

I have never had what he has, and wil never even come close to it and that makes me so sad. I feel so inferior. I just think I have a huge chip on my shoulder about it, and more or less feel like I am an embarrasment to my family. (My mum has more of less said this and has told me she’s devasted that I’ve never married. Lol, I’ve never had a boyfriend!!) Geee’s what’s wrong with me? Am I too desperate for this?? Why am I so desperate? Does my desperation put people off?? It is a constant pattern with me…

I feel raging emotion… I just feel such a lack of control or power in my life… I feel so angry, unable to let go… I feel tightness and stiffness in my back.. I feel rigid… I want to feel relaxed and healthy… I want to feel proud and confident…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:44am
7: Annie says:

Memulo What is your boundary?

Is it that you don’t want to date men who are actively still seeking other women on dating sites etc if they want to date you?

Then he gets the freedom of choice to date you or date lots of women his choice.

Is that your boundary?
Is that what you want?
Will you walk if he chooses to still do this?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:51am
8: turquoise says:

Hi Sirens! I had my girls night in last night, 8 guests including my mother, and we had the best time. The psychic ws fantastic. She gave me a lot of insight and my sister that passed away came through crystal clear…. it felt good to “hear” her. She told me to get into feng shui (sp?) and for my home to have an energetic flow. She also said that C should be at our daughters birthday party, and that came through in such a unique way, to say she we should have a carousel… the psychic laughed because who rents that? and I told her that it wasn’t an actual one, it was our thing, he proposed to me on one, we always ride it, I love them. My sister gave 2 thumbs up for him being there. So that was really interesting. My cards came up very insightfully, and she said out loud… is Mr. Conversation the relationship she wants…. she told me to be patient, he wants to build, wants me in his life, but that he has so much chaos in his life…. not happening right now. Which I know. She also told me to date multiple people, not wait for him. Which, I’m also doing.

My candy business will take off in a 10 month time period, which I felt like saying 10 MONTHS!!!! I’m so impatient… that came up over and over for me. It was really interesting!

She told me the next two weeks would be a very good time with Mr. Conversation, so we’ll see what happens. Stopping after work to work on my webiste today, but I can’t stay long because I have a dinner date with Tom.

Hope everyone is well!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:01am
9: turquoise says:

Oh, and she told me I need to work on my self esteem and set boundaries and make right choices.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:02am
10: Starla says:

yay turquoise!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:05am
11: Annie says:

This is/was me definitely Blirtilicious especially when tired or stressed overwhelmed.

And yes the men I attract/attracted ended up withdrawing as my thought process and verbal reasoning was/is quicker.

They all love/ loved this about me unless they are on the receiving end of it.

It feels difficult to slow down and catch myself before I do this and go into reactive habit.
Especially when feeling tired or grrrrrr angry about something.

I did it earlier was a mistake and now have to pick myself up and deal with it another way tomorrow.
Oh Joy!
If anyone has any tips on how to keep my cool for tomorrow I feel more than open to hearing them.

My problem is that the person I have to see and deal with another women has rattled my cage and me hers.
Bloody hell I just want a happy resolution and to do what is my best higher interest.

I so wish I didn’t have to deal with this, it feel like crap.
I just want it to go away and feel happy calm and peaceful again.

I feel all agitated and unsettled in my tummy.
I want it to be calm.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:07am
12: bloom-ing says:

rebecca, you’re OK : ) i’m feeling a little giggly reading your post……. idk why……. but i think we’ve all “been there”…. is there a time you can think of that you felt really great ? a vacation or something that you can “travel to” in your mind ? things/activities/smells/people that make you happy ? i’m trying to do this too : )) i’ve got a garden full of fairies : )))))) yummy

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:10am
13: Cinnabar says:

Hello all. I’m new here and only just downloaded the ebook. I’ve been reading through a lot of the postings and really feel that I can get the help I need here.

Just wanted to “introduce” myself. By the way, I see a lot of people using “CD” in their postings. Sorry to be such a newbie…but what is a CD?

Thanks! Look forward to being here!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:22am
14: ruth says:

hello again
So much to catch up on-again!

Rebecca-you do seem a little bit desperate and well, a bit —–rushed.Can you find a way to slow yourself down a bit.There is all the time in the world to let a good man come to you, build a career etc, etc.Im guessing you are a LOT younger than me.
If you could find a way to relax and feel NICE.
Dont know what that would look like for you, for me its a good book, or Yoga or running(or sex, but thats not an option for me)
Radlove-no you are *not* a horrible person.If you believed that, then I bet you would be running wasy from R, not walking

I coildnt help taking the blirt test and was a little surprised to score 15. I was sure I was a big blirter!!

Lynda,if i havent as yet quite got the cojones to wear new slippers, I can sure as H%ll wear new sexy underwear! Going to do that tomorrow

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:28am
15: ruth says:

Sounds like a great night Turquoise:)

Right, I guesss i had better bite the bullet and phone my Father

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:29am
16: Mel says:

Hmmmm….. I feel like a pouty-face today. I love my pouty face. My lunch date was post-poned and I really wanted to go. Sometimes it amazes me how the feeling of disappointment causes an instant hmph! whiney little sadness to emerge. I feel a little childish for feeling pouty. Like I should be all sympathetic and understanding and flexible… and i am all of those things…. But I am also feeling a little pouty and disappointed. That’s okay… because I can take myself out on a lunch date and get a sorbet and bask in the sunshine. And save my pouty face for another day.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:36am
17: April Rose says:

I didn’t read the whole article, but it brought to mind one of the energetic factors of compatibility described by Matchmatrix.

Matchmatrix has discovered two categories of mental speed which they call ‘activity level’ – superfast, and moderate. Superfast people like to (or could) finish slower people’s sentences for them. They make decisions faster than the moderate type person.

‘Blirting’ could well have something to do with this.

One thing I like to remember is the Vedic concept that men take twenty minutes or more to process a question or new idea. It really helps me to remember that. Otherwise I could get impatient or upset with him for not responding to me more quickly.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:46am
18: Iamabutterfly says:

I scored a 25, which is right in the middle of being a moderate blirter.

That makes me feel really happy.
It feels really important to me to speak my heart and mind to other people on issues that feel important to me.
It also feels important to wait before speaking, to listen, and to think before speaking.

I feel good about myself being in the middle.
but now I feel guilty I might sound arrogant.

Now, I feel annoyed at myself for not giving myself permission to feel good!

I give you permission to feel good!
Relax!
Enjoy!
Be yourself!

Now, I feel silly for talking to myself.

But I love you, regardless.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:53am
19: Iamabutterfly says:

This made me feel so happy and bubbly and giggly and full of laughter:

“If you find yourself in a precarious relationship, and the relationship isn’t working, get out. If it is magically going smoothly, then screw public opinion. Stay together and prove to people that such a relationship can work.”

so funny…:)

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:57am
20: Lady D says:

@Mel

I have a darlin pouty face too, it is okay to feel pouty.

I scored a 13 on Blirtacious scale

I agree about the study noticing folks distanced themselves from the ‘precarious’ couple.
Seeing a man brow beaten by a nagging woman causes me to cringe and pray for his deliverance from h-ll. Man up!!! True the poor fellow loses all respect in my eyes if he allows himself to be abused by a blirtacious woman.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:58am
21: April Rose says:

Hey Sirens,
Can you help me out here? I can’t see it for myself.

have I got symptoms of oxytocin poisoning!???

I want to worship a man. I want to kiss him all over and massage him and cook for him.

This just happened today!
Before then I was happily soaking up his attention, foot-rubs, meals he cooked, driving me everywhere.

I feel the urge to worship him. I feel so much love for him. i have checked myself for neediness but can’t find any! What’s going on?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:59am
22: Iamabutterfly says:

I really want a man who will not feel threatened by my blirtatiousness, who is somewhere in the middle of being blirtatious himself.

It’s so hot when a man can fight for what he believes in.

It’s also hot when a man can shut up and listen and even admit that he doesn’t know, or that he might be wrong.

The middle of this feels so good and so right…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:59am
23: Iamabutterfly says:

@19 April Rose – God knows I’m no expert, but that sounds like love is supposed to feel to me. He has been serving you, and so you naturally want to serve him back. I feel like worship is a natural result of a deep spiritual love. I would embrace it if I were you, while absolutely still keeping the love you have for yourself.

I have felt a worshipful love for God, and a worshipful love for a man.

I do think my love for the man got out of control.

but I don’t know how I would feel if we had been married?
are those feelings safe in the context of marriage?

I want to believe that…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:03am
24: ruth says:

Yep, sounds like the big L to me too

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:06am
25: Iamabutterfly says:

@19 April Rose – I feel jealous of you too. I miss feeling that worship-filled love. I haven’t felt it in a long time, and that makes me feel sad…

I have to believe it’s still possible.
Please let it still be possible!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:08am
26: Dominique says:

Rebecca – From the last thread -

Rebecca – How do you know that any of those things you THINK others think and/or feel about you are true? What would life feel like if they weren’t true, simply things you have made up or imagined? Are these really things you think about yourself? Are you projecting? Maybe these people are mirrors for you. Maybe they are bringing you messages for healing.

It’s not easy changing thought patterns and behavior patterns. But you are here, and this is a wonderful step.

Try telling yourself nice things even if you don’t really believe them. Do it anyway. When you bathe/shower, lavish loving attention on your skin, your body part. Take some extra time to FEEL the soap on your skin, your hands on yourself, the rich ebullience of your body cream/face cream. Take some extra time with your make up, your outfit. Do any of these make you feel pretty, sensuous? If not find outfits and make up.hair styles which do.

Smile at EVERYONE you encounter while out and about. MEAN it. Allow it to come from your heart. Every time you pass a store window or a mirror, STOP and smile at yourself just as warmly. If no one is around blow yourself a kiss. Kiss the mirror directly even.

Try doing this ALL the time. See if this doesn’t start to shift your energy.

xxoo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:08am
27: Radlove says:

Ruth,

13 – Thanks.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:12am
28: April Rose says:

Iamabutterfly,
Your words made me feel thrilled.
This has not happened to me before.
I believe it has come about by my diligent practice of strong surrender.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:14am
29: April Rose says:

Ruth,
Really? I feel like squealing!!!
The big L. Happening to me?

Thank you

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:15am
30: Iamabutterfly says:

@26 April Rose – that makes me feel so happy for you. Cherish it. Don’t take it for granted. It is a precious, priceless gift. ((((April Rose))))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:22am
31: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so sad and teary and mournful now, remembering Love.

So scared I won’t find it again.

I have to believe.

God, help my unbelief!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:23am
32: ruth says:

April Rose
awwwwwww

that makes me feel all warm(oh yes an a bit jealous too)
Enjoy

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:23am
33: April Rose says:

Dominique,

Have you any tips about how to talk to a man who feels nervous about his sexual urges and is keeping them back, and seems afraid to express them?

I am just beginning to explore sex with my new man, and I have seen glimpses of his desire to be dominant/controlling. I feel a thrill, but also some fear because I have never engaged in any serious S&M play before.

I’m trying to think of a simple way to bring it up.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:24am
34: ruth says:

Lama butterfly, of course you will feel love again

I know you will

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:24am
35: Iamabutterfly says:

I just don’t know what I did wrong, except get really scared and not know what to do, and afraid of my feelings.

oh, I miss Love so much.
oh, it feels agognizing.
feeling memories.
feeling Him.
missing Him.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:25am
36: April Rose says:

((((((Iamabutterfly))))))

I found it precisely because I was (in your words)
“.. absolutely still keeping the love you have for yourself”
In fact, by doubly increasing the love I have for myself each and every day.

Even a simple love bath (saying words of love and visualisating love pouring all over me) does wonders.
Mostly though, forgiveness.

I forgive myself.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:28am
37: Iamabutterfly says:

agonizing. I need to correct my spelling. I need to laugh. I need to feel okay with this.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:30am
38: ruth says:

Know what you mean lama butterfly

Sigh

But we have to keep trusting and belieivng and hoping , dont we?

It is difficult at times

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:30am
39: Iamabutterfly says:

how did I lose Love?
Doubt.
Fear.
Lack of faith.
Anger.
Rebellion.
Denial.
Hate.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:32am
40: Iamabutterfly says:

I never want to lose Love again!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:34am
41: ruth says:

34 April Rose
I am sitting here weeping helplessly reading that
How odd
I supose i should try to identify what i am feeling

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:36am
42: Iamabutterfly says:

i had never felt so close to God in my life, and I had never felt so close to a man in my life. It was like, the closer we grew to God, the closer we grew to each other. and it was beautiful.

He used to speak my thoughts for me. He would say exactly what I wanted to say before I had even thought the full sentence out.

this feels so painful and sacred to talk about.

oh my God, I miss him. and I miss God.

and I want to get it all back.
him back. and Him back. and me back.

oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:37am
43: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel such deep sadness.
It’s such a well.
It feels like deep dark water and its cold.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:38am
44: Iamabutterfly says:

April Rose, I also feel so hopeful that it hasn’t happened to you before until now.

Makes me feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe, it can happen for me again.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:40am
45: Iamabutterfly says:

I’m sitting here balling.
oh, blissful feeling creature.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:41am
46: ruth says:

Hm

I dont feel sad
I feel curious
I feel disbelief that it could be so easy to heal
I feel a bit exhilarated
And i feel scared

More tears

How weird

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:42am
47: ruth says:

I feel———-a release
Thats what the tears are

Its a bit like what used to happen in Yoga
Now i feel weird

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:44am
48: ruth says:

I feel as though there is a huge beach ball right in my chest and i cant breathe

This feeling stuff is exhausting

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:47am
49: Tam says:

(((lama)))

I might have something interesting here.
I just posted on my fb that I am a believer in love, but not necessarily romantic love. I do, however, believe in the love of friendship very much.
I got so many responses…from men. In the end there were two almost arguing. One was saying that ‘love at first sight is possible and he has on occasion fallen for someone within minutes, thinking he could spend his life with her’.
I said that I never had love at first sight and don’t believe in it as I believe a lot of that is chemical-based as on a first date you simply don’t know the person.
Then another guy pipes up saying that yes, love at first sight is just chemicals and how it takes at least 6 months for anything ‘real’ to develop, even though one can be attracted to many people – but this is not ‘love’. Then I had a convo with this guy on fb, it was lovely (he has a gf)…he was saying all those things that resonate with me, like it’s not about the sex and so on and so forth, that men can love without sex and have sex without love and all this kinda stuff…very cool.
In the end I said that perhaps I don’t believe in romantic love anymore because I have been a bit worn down and feel hopeless that it will happen and be mutual. And he was soo sweet and said that he is sure it will happen for me, and of course it will be mutual , and that there is ‘one’ out there for me and I will know him when we meet and he will know me.
it made me feel so hopeful to hear this rom a man for a change. A real and good and realistic man, one who looks past all the superficial and the chemicals and all that.
He even said that when he was dating, he tried not to sleep with women for as long as possible because he had become aware that all his dates were short lived when he took it to the bedroom too quick, he or she lost interest and there was no ‘friendship’ built or compatibility test by way of doing things together other than sex.
There’s a man saying that ‘sex is great but it clouds judgement’ and he deliberately held back – and found the woman of his dreams who had the same attitude.
All this lifted my spirits today, and they really needed lifting.
Maybe that story can lift some of your spirits too, Ladies. There are good men over the age of 35 out there..yes, there are. I found it hard to believe also.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:47am
50: ruth says:

aw, tam, that feels nice to read

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:48am
51: April Rose says:

Ruth,

I love your feelings. Even if you couldn’t tell me what they were, even if you didn’t try to.

You are a deep-feeling delicious juicy woman.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:50am
52: Iamabutterfly says:

Ruth, I love your feelings too. They’re beautiful.

and thanks for your thoughts, @Tam47. I love romantic men, too!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:56am
53: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so hopeful remembering that when I was deeply in love with him, it was seriously like all other men were invisible. Which is remarkable, because I LOVE men, and find MANY men attractive.

but I loved him so much, other men truly were invisible to me.

I was so deliciously blind.

I can’t wait to find a man who is deliciously blind to other women like that.

Love is blind.
Who needs to see, when you can feel?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:58am
54: ruth says:

Thank you April Rose

This feels weird
Its like a huge lava of feeling pouring out of me and I cant control it and i feel scared and powerless

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:59am
55: Iamabutterfly says:

(((((ruth))))))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:02am
56: April Rose says:

(((((Ruth)))))
I’m feeling delighted that you feel so much. It sounds so very healing

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:04am
57: April Rose says:

@37 Iamabutterfly,

“How did I lose Love”

Love is never lost. It is inside you, masquerading as all your other feelings

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:08am
58: R.N.AmazingMe says:

You know, That is it the best feeling in the world. I had it one time only. All else was lust and just attraction but Love. When every other man in the world could be attractive but never compare to him. Not as sexy, smart, amazing, safe, trustful, and I could go on. To have that returned and to know it and feel it returned. That is the best feeling, that is real love to me. Yeah it is scary too..

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:08am
59: ruth says:

Yes well, that was slightly unexpected
I am sure it needed to come out but now I have to run with a totally blocked nose
I could go and do some Yoga back bends now and that would really cause some fall out
Sorry, im being flippant cos i am feeling very scared by this and I dont want to feel all this right now

I have to run

I cant run and cry

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:09am
60: Femininewoman says:

RE 52 Ruth say YES!!!! That is your juicy power.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:11am
61: Tam says:

And on the subject of love..can we love again and again?

I am one of those people who doesn’t fall easily and when I do, I fall hard and it lasts..a long time.
It happens once every 10 years or so.
Ok, I can ‘like’ someone very much. I can also have relationships with guys I like very much and kind of love. I can say ‘I love you’ but deep down know it might not be forever and it does not feel like forever.

But that real deep connection and understanding and the friendship and mutual respect, like you would rather hurt yourself than the other person…like you can love them even when you are not with them, and you can love them so much that you want the best for them, even if it is not necessarily you….
That deep connection and the feeling to have arrived ‘home’ when with that person, no matter where we are, could be in the desert – I felt only twice, once a long time ago (and I had a beautiful 5 years relationship with this man but we were too young and adventurous to turn it into marriage), and again now – well that started 2 years ago and I am still very much in love and you all know the story, it’s not happening basically. I gave up on that and surrendered.

And I am 36 years old. I feel pretty scared that it won’t happen to me again for a long time….I know that I should not think like that, but I have been dating myself silly in the last, well about 5 years, and yes, there were nice men, yes there were little affairs, but only one I clicked with, felt safe with, protected and being able to be myself.
Only one that was an intellectual and fitting sparring partner for endless discussions which i so like, who would have a fiery debate with me – and yet praise me to high heaven for being able to hold those discussions. Who would praise me to his friends for my intelligence and my way with language. Whose friends knew so much about me because he had told them.
There was only one who would push people out of the way so he could stand next to me. One who would whisper to his friend ‘look at that body of hers’ not being aware that I heard it. One who really made me feel like a queen when we did stuff together, not fancy restaurants but rough and tumble outdoors stuff which we both liked. One who taught me so many new things, who always encouraged me to look behind things and stimulated me to think for myself. One who took me seriously and was so interested in me that he asked me question after question after question.
One who opened up and told me about his issues and bad childhood, so that I felt safe to speak about mine.
One who was everything, a big brother, a teacher, a friend, a lover, an advisor and a shoulder to lean on.

Oh well. Whatever it is I feel or felt, the fact is he is not feeling the same way or we would be together now, so have I been imagining it all? Maybe.

Perhaps I need a time out from dating, well I haven’t done much anyway but it’s wearing me down and wearing me out. I just feel hopeless of ever finding that again, and perhaps I won’t because I never even knew it before. Ever. In 36 years. Yes, my long relationship with my other love was great, but even there the connection was not so deep.
I have never known anybody like that before.
And there are a lot of dark sides to him too, of course. Some of them not easy to take. Oh yes.

All water under the bridge. When my man arrives it will be mutual, and not feel like I need to hang onto him. He will want to hang onto me. I am telling that myself.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:12am
62: ruth says:

FW Not sure about” juicy power”

It feels paralysing

I cant function

No wonder I stuff this down

I cant even identify the feelings!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:14am
63: Tam says:

Ruth, it is a sign something is shifting..

BTW, I ran and started to cry yesterday..it felt liberating, but yeah, didn’t make for a very good run – that’s for sure

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:16am
64: Rori Raye says:

Cinnabar – Welcome! CD is Circular Dating – one of my core Tools…lots of stuff on it here…Love, Rori

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:19am
65: ruth says:

Tam, I dont know the answer
But i do believe that we can form deep connections with more than one person, maybe even at the same time
Actually, im starting to wonder now if i have ever been truly in love

Ive ben infatuated, obsessed
I have felt a dep senser of comfort and friendship with a man
Maybe thats what love is
I dont know

it isnt relevant to me anyway
All I actually want to do is to find peace within myself

th rest is a bonus, but not essential

Just want some peace and love for myself

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:20am
66: Tam says:

Yes, I will find it again. I will find something/someone even better. I will, I must, it is the law.
Even if I don’t believe it right now, my view will change and it will happen.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:21am
67: ruth says:

Well, I wish it would hrry up and shift then LOL

I *knew* I should have dragged myself out for a run this morning

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:22am
68: Tam says:

Thank you Ruth, the peace and love within myself is a little path that I am trying to walk on also, just sometimes I venture off it again, in the last couple of days I got a little lost – maybe hormones, not sure.

Yes, loving myself – that should be my first love, and it is really, otherwise I’d chase him down and he would respond but I don’t want that anymore.
I want to heal and start fresh and let go.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:23am
69: Tam says:

I am also wondering if I have ever been truly in love, but I believe so. Who’s to say? Hm. Interesting.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:24am
70: ruth says:

Im not sure i even want a mans love
I really miss sex

But peace for me would feel so good
And i think it would probbaly be enough for me

I am tired of struggling and trying to hold things together
I am tired of self abuse

I want to rest

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:27am
71: Femininewoman says:

Tam I know Rori talks about the law of how things are (or something to that effect). So yeah, keep believe. I am with you on this.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:29am
72: ReceivingGirl says:

Love…every relationship I was in up until 2007, I thought I was in love and fairly fast. However, I wasn’t, but possibly one. I think I wanted to be in love and to be loved so bad, that anything that took interest in me was “the one”. I wanted a husband and babies. I didn’t have much confidence at all that I was good enough for someone to fall in love with, so I would jump at any nice gesture, and it didn’t matter all the not so nice gestures in between.

I feel bad thinking back at how I accepted anything less than good treatment. I have really changed and grown since then. I took 3 years to myself and I feel that was a really smart thing for me to do. I did a lot of self-discovery and I took some great steps up. I still have a lot to work on, but I am in a much better place.

I still would like a husband and babies, but it is no longer what is driving me. It feels nice to not be holding myself down with that burden of what needs to happen. It feels so much more relaxing and authentic to let things be and what will be will be.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:29am
73: ruth says:

Not quite sure where the fck all *that* came from

I feel relieved now

Hope that is all of it for tonight

It feels exhausting

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:30am
74: Femininewoman says:

Ruth I feel you. I also feel the same things. With the affirmations I am surrendering to What is. I wrote them in my phone and say them while travelling on the train. I am slowly believe all of them and surrendering. I intend to set myself free.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:31am
75: Daria says:

April Rose – when I feel that way… HONESTLY IT’S WHEN I’VE LOST SIGHT OF MYSELF AS THE OBJECT OF WORSHIP.

And yes, it is oxytocin

And it does feel so easy and fantastic as my heart just bleeds love.

But it chemistry, in that as I take a look at my posture, I find I’m leaning in, as I take a look at my focus, it’s on him, as I take a look at the pedestal, it’s Him on it.

I experienced this last nite again with more self awareness when I ran into Getright man

That feeling feels like wavy sheets of velvety cotton candy around me

It felt good to notice and still feel that and lean back still

It’s a glimpse of my love for me I can have that all the time for me

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:36am
76: Healing Waterfall says:

Hi everyone,
I am feeling totally overwhelmed, finally I have some free time, my son is at sleepover camp and I am desperately trying to get midterm grades down for the two accelerated summer courses I am teaching and trying to make my vitamin D while I can……sunshine!

Turquoise, I felt so happy to read your post and I did not really read through the rest of the posts, but I stopped to see what is up with you and sounds so good.

I do have a news flash and the sirens that know me will know the story and that my crush has ended it with his gf! So I am staying cool and warm and open and smiling and staying active with my life and leaning back as much as humanly possible…..
wow this is because of that psychic i talked to….

well, i hope to more thoroughly catch up on the blog and all my grading and getting enough sun to make up enough vit d to last through the fall at least and swim in the lake….ahh, summer, i love it

and i love all of you and thanks for being here on this blog and i will definitely be checking back in tonight to break up the tedium from grading papers…..

hugs

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:36am
77: ruth says:

74 FW

thank you

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:40am
78: Femininewoman says:

Healing Waterfall please please please circular date. Don’t make him the center of your world.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:43am
79: Daria says:

I feel shaky

I feel guilty

I feel afraid

I feel vulnerable being in the position to share my truth that looks different from several others’ opinions or beliefs or experiences or feelings

This feels scary and sad

I feel like this

On my face

I want to heal this

I am a full adult and im feeling smily

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:43am
80: Healing Waterfall says:

FW
You are the best…..

I promise you and and this blog that I am cding right now and I am dating two other men now. They both travel for work so I don’t seem them every week, but they are both nice and take me out to dinner and like me and so I am really enjoying them…….so I have been CDing and I am still talking with other men on the dating sites and trying to drum up some dates there….

it is just exciting that he actually went and did it and now there is another possibility to add a man to my rotation….

you are so sweet FW you are taking care of me and watching out for me, thank-you, thank-you, I am CDing….
XXXOOO

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:49am
81: Femininewoman says:

Turquoise it feels good to read your comments.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:51am
82: Dominique says:

April Rose – #33 – “I have a couple of fantasies (if you do). May I share them with you. It would feel fun to try this.” Then ask him, “What about you; Is there anything you want to share with me?”

If you don’t have any fantasies or feel shy to go first, try this. “I feel curious about exploring. I’m not sure what though. Can you help me with this? Is there anything you would like to explore?”

xxoo

xxoo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:00pm
83: Iamabutterfly says:

@79 Daria – I always feel a little guilty and scared sharing what I believe is truth. I honestly don’t go out with the intention of doing it, it just flows out of me with all my feelings.

This is a safe place, where you are free to feel.

((((Daria))))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:04pm
84: bloom-ing says:

((((Healing Waterfall)))) sounds exciting : ) i feel happy to hear that you are having fun dating : )))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:07pm
85: Dominique says:

Healing Waterfall – This warms my heart to hear….

xxoo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:10pm
86: Healing Waterfall says:

Hi bloom-ing
nice to meet you. yes, cding is so fun. even actually the not so good dates, it really teaches me about what i want to change….

FW you are right again…..i probably am getting ahead of myself….

it probably would be good to review cding principles

one of them is i am sure

treat them all equally

go out with anyone who asks you, unless they scare you

lean back

know your boundaries

respect your feelings

be surprised

express your feelings using fm’s

smile at everyone you see

have a great time being yourself

be radiant and glowing

is there anything else?

love

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:14pm
87: ReceivingGirl says:

Mr. Observant and I had a nice conversation last night about what we were thinking when we began this relationship.

I remember being so nervous about warding off any of his physical advances because I didn’t want to have things happen too fast. I was completely holding back. It has been my experience that ALL men try right away. Mr. Observant was the first man who didn’t try to get in my pants day 1.

I asked him if he could sense I was holding back. He said, yes, but he had no intention or expectation of anything happening. He really just wanted to be close to me and hold me. He hadn’t experienced closeness in a long time and he was extremely nervous, didn’t know how to act or be because I was the first gal he went out with since being married for so long.

He said he was never about one night stands, dating multiple gals at the same time, etc. He likes to focus on one gal and feel good with her.

I found this so refreshing to hear.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:14pm
88: Iamabutterfly says:

@80 Healing Waterfall – you are cute!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:17pm
89: Healing Waterfall says:

Receiving Girl

Mr Observant sounds like a really nice guy to be close to

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:17pm
90: bloom-ing says:

OMG i feel so happy… i friend-ed our former ceo on a social site & he wrote back that he doesn’t use it, but inviting me to email him any time & giving me an update on his life…… & a co-worker was out speaking french in the court & i started talking to him today in french & he sent me an email saying we can chat so i can learn : ))))) HOORAH & my friend & i are going to start making billions of dollars / second LOL i love my imagination : )))))

yum my imagination….. in my fairy garden…… i’m adding a golden woven covering to shelter me……

i went outside yesterday & back to my special place i found…. found a rock that’s shaped just like my “dream house” so i put it on the big table rock & realized that i was surrounded by yellow flowers, so i put a couple blossoms by it…. then i saw a really good purple crystal & then a white heart-shaped one. & i built a little mountain range to the side too : ) so my dream life is all “built” for me in my secret hide-out : ) & also i noticed that the colors of the flowers are my favorite combination (yellows & purples)….. don’t know how i missed that ! i knew it. i’m already in heaven : )

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:19pm
91: ReceivingGirl says:

Hi HW…sound like you are doing great!

Treat as equals seems difficult to me as they are all different, with different things we will like or not like.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:22pm
92: Radlove says:

Iamabutterfly,

42 – That’s beautiful!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:26pm
93: ReceivingGirl says:

@ HW, yes, he is. I like him tons.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:28pm
94: ReceivingGirl says:

Blooming – I love reading your posts. They are so light and playful.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:38pm
95: bloom-ing says:

ok i’m going back into my dream world so that i can find the things that really i love. i love thunder & pounding rain. i totally “dig” it : ) i love water. i love to swim. i love to jump into cold water. i love feeling scared of the dark water. i love the sound of water. i love to drink water & eat fresh, interesting food. i love to see food growing & i love to tend to growing plants. i don’t like to get dirt under my fingernails. or clay. i like having long fingernails for pulling threads or choosing materials or scraping paint…

i felt sad this morning because i felt like cd was not totally “open” or “available” this morning, but i gave myself permission to not care : ) lol why should i care about his moods ? & if he starts being like that “always” i can share a few things & leave if i like. that’s how i’m choosing to view it & I feel happy & good & not-judging him : ))) but secretly i bet he’ll be so super sweet when i get home because he’s had a chance to feel all his stress, deal with it without “dealing with” me lol…. & now he’ll be all helpful & fix-it for me ! that’s what i hope : ) that sounds lovely : ))) thank you

ooh feel icky again trying to “work things out” in my brain…. logistical things…. i’m just giving up on that & not worrying about it because i feel sure sure sure that the universe opens up just how it chooses & just in alignment with energy & i’m putting my energy out there to be bent in whichever way the universe sees fit to lead me to my best goals & best life : ) yes i do believe that & it feels juicy & calming, like smooth fat ocean waves at noon under sunshine

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:41pm
96: Femininewoman says:

Yayy HW. I feel so pleased and happy for you. If he considers you seriously I believe it will be easier to establish boundaries around him not dating other women as you respected his previous relationship

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:43pm
97: bloom-ing says:

energy, meet universe. go

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:43pm
98: bloom-ing says:

thanks, ReceivingGirl! I like reading your posts too : ) mr. observant sounds a lot like cd : )

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:45pm
99: Femininewoman says:

Wow Daria. Talk about awareness. Thanks for sharing about Getright.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:46pm
100: bloom-ing says:

i have ideas… i have names…. i have plans…. all swirling around me……. & i have zero intention of forcing myself to choose the path. surrounding myself with… feeling aware of…. all the possibilities…. is enough : ) i am enough – i do enough

i have dreams, i have feelings, i have fears, i have angers…. here i am : fully human : ) MAGICAL

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:48pm
101: ReceivingGirl says:

@95 I laughed at this…I really don’t like jumping into cold water! I tippy toe in slowly…it’s probably easier to just jump in.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:53pm
102: bloom-ing says:

“By photographing water crystals at freezing temperatures, Dr. Emoto showed that words such as “love” and “gratitude” formed beautiful crystals while words such as “hate” or “stupid” produced unattractive crystals. The very structure of the water molecules changed based on positive or negative energetic influences. Given that our bodies are made up primarily of water, we now understand what it means to transform ourselves from the inside out.”

http://consciouslifenews.com/7-simple-steps-harmonize-drinking-water/1133044/

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:54pm
103: ReceivingGirl says:

@98 Blooming – cd sounds really nice too!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:54pm
104: Mel says:

April Rose,

I get this feeling sometimes. It’s usually when he’s been extra super good to me and my heart feels overflowing and full. And I find myself stroking his arm lovingly and I don’t even notice it until he says “I like that you pet me.” And I blush. It feels like love flowing from me… not forced but flowing like water.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:55pm
105: Dancing Siren says:

I really really need some help tonight.

I am feeling in pieces.

Today I got 2 lots of flowers from S.

One lot delivered to my work, and then another lot left on my doorstep, along with texts that he is thinking about me.

The last text was a picture of a beautiful lake, where he said he was sitting, thinking abou life.

I text back (having just recieved the second lot of flowers, and said something like ‘thank you some much for the flowers. They made me feel smily and warm inside. Wow, that lake looks beautiful, where abouts are you?’

To which there has been no reply, and that was over 2 hours ago.

And it just makes me know… of course I don’t know, and I assume he is drinking, cus that is what would cause him not to reply.

And it just feels so awful, like my heart soaring getting these flowers, and then totally crashing now not getting a reply…

I just can’t take this up/down cycle.

I have wanted to text him and just fly at him tonight…

And I have topped myself.

But I am thinking to tell him just to leave me alone.

I can’t take this.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:56pm
106: bloom-ing says:

omg i’m such a WEIRDO i just messaged someone on facebook that i don’t even know. oh well ! humanity happens : ) lol

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:57pm
107: ReceivingGirl says:

I feel drained at work today. This morning was extremely frustrating and now I’m feeling a bit lethargic. I have tons to do, but my brain isn’t quite working properly this afternoon and I find it hard to concentrate or anything really. It would feel good to take a nap. It’s also feeling like a Friday afternoon to me. One more day to go!!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 12:57pm
108: Dancing Siren says:

Oh, I’m feeling horrid tonight.

Hot tears streaming down face…

I have just seen him comment on someone’s status on FB… so he is not passed out or enebriated or anything.

I know I am being totally man crack junky here.

I just don’t know how to take care of myself right now.

I feel so exhausted, tired and worn down from work. I feel really on the edge and like I can’t take much more.

He must be in the pub… that is why he doesn’t reply to me, or IM me on facebook.

I know I am driving myself mad.

I know this is silly.

If I was out doing stuff I probably wouldn’t even notice.

And from tomorrow I CAN pay some attention to my social life again.

And to me.

Urgh.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:02pm
109: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Dancing Siren)))

I feel bad you are feeling bad. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug.

2 lots of flowers…he misses you and wants you to know it. I don’t understand why then, he wouldn’t respond to your texts. I would not make any assumptions and leave it be. Continue on the path you were going down and focus on you.

There could be a good reason why he didn’t respond. In either case, I’m sure he will respond at some point and you will feel clearer when he does.

I’m sorry I don’t have any really great advice to give. Just love you!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:03pm
110: Rebecca says:

Dominque

I DO do all those things! That is what is so weird about me. In real life, out in the outside world I’ma very happy, smiley person. Everyone likes me, and I’m the sort of person to get talking to someone at the supermarket checkout or in the post office. I smile and talk to everyone. That’s what’s so scary!!

All this I feel is pain which is deep, deep inside. It does not relate to my everyday life at all.

Also, I really do feel outside love is very important, and should not be underestimated. We need that boost from someone else and that is what I am lacking.

I just can’t really understand why I am soooo unlucky in love. All my male and female friends constantly tell me how wonderful I am. They can really not understand it. I can NOT understand it. I mean it is truly shocking to me and possibly why I am in over drive emotionally… I can feel that. The panic and the desperation… But really the last 20 have been horrendous for me on the romance front. That is a LONG time to be without a special person, and its not for want of trying…

So yes I do feel desperate, and in a lot of pain and it feels awful… I’m not angry at myself I just feel lonely, unbelievably lonely and desperate. It just seems to be like this one year after the next… Maybe I am doing somwthing really cruically wrong. I wish I knew…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:07pm
111: ruth says:

Oh Dancing Siren
It will feel so much worse when you are tired too

Take care of yourself
Im hugging you here
You have been so, so strong and brave

keep your boundaries
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:11pm
112: bloom-ing says:

mmm ((((((((((Dancing Siren))))))))))) i love to have flowers around me…. sounds yummy…. he’s not around you, so you don’t have to worry what he’s doing or if he’s not responding to you….. what do YOU need ? what do you want ? what would make you feel playful & gentle with yourself ? yum i want to feel gentle & happy & at-peace & at-rest : )))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:13pm
113: Dancing Siren says:

Ok the urge to contact is passing.

But I still feel totally crappy.

I wonder why he hasn’t replied to my text.

I wonder why my life feels so rubbish.

I feel like I have had enough at the moment.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:14pm
114: ruth says:

Rebecca
But do you love yourself?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:15pm
115: Femininewoman says:

Dancing Siren it might be the T in HALT that’s generating some of those current feelings?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:16pm
116: bloom-ing says:

rebecca, maybe it is good to think… “oh, look at all my male & female friends – they are raining into my ocean of love….” & the ocean is just you – you are pure love…. & the men come & rain down too…. & it’s so full & raucous & full of cresting waves & spray that you don’t even notice when the clouds drift out, drift in…. men come & go…. receive just love…. let the “rejection” float out…. all yummy until you feel full & someone will come & want to bathe you & bathe with you……. your friends are all telling you how amazing you are…… & you see how amazing other people are ? so … do you see how AMAZING you are??? i’m amazing because i wear & do & say what the Eff i please : ) go lk i’m proud of myself. that’s all though. not because i’m Smart or Pretty or something. just because I’m Me & i’m doing it boldly : ) i want to dress like a fairy & act like a monk & spend all my time with Beauty : ))) i want to sleep in the trees & have everything made of paper & gold : ) what does your paradise look like ?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:43pm
117: bloom-ing says:

it’s starting….. i feel the rumble : )

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:44pm
118: Tam says:

I want to let go of this man, perhaps I will practice that tool a bit longer.
Our common friend has brought a girl to his place also and they have all been boating and had a whale of a time and become fb mates. I just saw that spread on various walls….and he hasn’t been in contact with me. I know, I know, focus back on myself, but I feel angry. I feel angry that he is being fb friends with all these people and he hasn’t sent me a request (not that I want one, as I would rather not see what goes on there).
I have been deluding myself obviously. Guess I took crumbs and pretended I had a big chocolate cake instead.
I do feel angry that he’s just gone his merry ways again and has gone silent on me.
The only solution to the roller coaster must be to just not answer him if he shows up again and I guess he will sooner or later.
The bottom line is that he is just not that into me, and never was.
Ambivalence central.
I deserve more than that.
I need to finally believe that I deserve a whole lot more than that.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:47pm
119: Iamabutterfly says:

(((((Rebecca)))))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:52pm
120: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Tam)))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:54pm
121: Dancing Siren says:

Thank You Sirens,

Yes, I am feeling a bit better now.

I got myself some dinner and had that, and sat with my Mum for a few minutes.

And then he replied. Actually doesn’t sound drunk at all!

FW – yes – definitely the ‘T’ in halt!

Going to sleep soon.

I can’ believe how easily I can still fall into the pits!

I haven’t replied to him.

I just feel tired.

I kind of just feel like I want a break… I don’t want to think about it.

Actually its weird, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, cus I love getting the flowers, and in a way when I got them I sorta felt annoyed.

Cus I don’t need flowers, I need for him to get his asss to AA, or come up with some kind of solid plan for getting well.

The flowers and other stuff all just seems like a distraction.

But probably I am being impatient, and pushing my own agenda.

The flowers ARE nice, and I DID feel nice getting them.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:54pm
122: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Rebecca)))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:54pm
123: bloom-ing says:

just emailed another complete stranger : ) go lk

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:56pm
124: ruth says:

Amen to that Tam

(Ive just signed up for Nanowrimo in August.Oops.That will keep my mind off things though)

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 1:59pm
125: Dancing Siren says:

If he would put all this energy into sorting out his recovery, all might be well.

But anyway.

I don’t know.

Like I said.

I am feeling VERY tired.

The sugar doesn’t help.

I have been using sugar heavily to get me through the day. and after class to stop my energy crashing, and it is having a big effect on my emotions I would say…

More so than I realised it might.

I really don’t intend to rely on sugar in the future if I can help it, and just this last week I have just kind of let it happen, as I just needed to find a way to get through….

But this issue will be getting my full atention very soon, as it obviously isn’t doing me any favours!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:00pm
126: ReceivingGirl says:

@121 Dancing Siren

I can relate to feeling annoyed by receiving flowers…as in maybe they were given for the wrong reasons. That seems to be a theme for me.

SheriffCD sent me flowers “for my birthday” to my work, but they were a week early. He only sent them because he was jealous I worked with my ex-bf and he was trying to have control over me and show my ex that I was spoken for.

I didn’t feel the flowers were nice, I was put off by them and I said I should just put them on my ex’s desk because they were really for him. SheriffCD even admitted as much and without me even saying a word.

Do you feel the flowers were sent for the wrong reasons? Do you feel he is clouding reality with this nice gesture? Sidestepping the real issue as to why you are requesting space?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:01pm
127: ruth says:

Dancing Siren
I feel that you have been handling all this so, so well
it would be odd if you didnt hve the odd wobbly moment
This is huge stuff for you to be dealing with, and you *are *dealing with it

You can sort out the food issues next week
Right now you have to get through the waves of longing which will surely come and try to pull you back in

But they will reced and you will be string on your shore
Boundaries in place
Ready and open and willing to receive what comes nxt for you
xxxxxxx

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:05pm
128: MissStix says:

I typed out a post earlier on my break and it got lost. So now i’m feeling frustrated, urgent and impatient. I feel like recreating it, but I think I will write it anew instead of trying to remember what I wrote.

I awoke this morning feeling sad, tense and anxious. G was very cheerful and woke me up with kisses, and adorations. It felt wonderful for a moment until I was overtaken with anxiety and anger. I did not want those feelings on a beautiful morning with G kissing me and loving me. I felt more and more tension. My shower was cold and I couldn’t get the water to warm up. I cried. I was all up in my head. I couldn’t move my feelings down to my body so I could release them. So stuck. G hugged me in the kitchen over coffee. It felt warm and soothing. He apologized for waking me up so abruptly. I said “You don’t have to apologize. You were just cheerful, but thank you.”. My lay-off officially starts tomorrow. Working on-call is what I truely want with my back the way it is. I feel deep sorrow none the less. I will miss my patients. I love them.

My paycheck was sooo small. I feel worried and scared. I have some EI coming to me but I don’t know when. Anxious. Apprehensive.

(I already performed this exercise when I wrote the original post but I will do it again because the feelings are popping up anew)

I breathe now. Deeply. I am in the place to move my negative feelings out of my head and into my body. They are outside of me now, and mingling with my positive energy.

Breathe again. I feel…whole. (earlier I felt relaxed and spent funny how that changed this time round.)

Yoga in a few minutes! Feeling happy.

“The warrior” came on the radio on my drive home and it was just what I needed to feel energized. It’s one of my fave feel gooders. I sang out loud with my window and sunroof open. 2 men looked and laughed at me from their cars. I smiled at them and sang louder. They will think of me tonight hehe.

“Shooting at the walls of heartache…BANG BANG! I am the warrior!”

Feeling funny and smiley. I think I’ll youtube it and crank it again.

Wishing all sirens a bright and beautiful day! Will finally read this article/comments after yoga. <3 to you all!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:14pm
129: Mel says:

So I’ve been feeling a little meh since moving in this week. I’m not really sure what I was expecting to feel different. We have been spending most nights together for the past months. The only difference is that now I no longer have to pay rent on a place that I rarely stay at… But this all felt very anticlimactic. Nice, yes it felt nice… but sort of uneventful.

And I was feeling a little sad about that yesterday. But then I thought about it for a little bit and started to appreciate the absence of eventfulness. Like maybe that’s a good thing… Maybe when it’s ‘right’ it just all feels normal and like it’s always been that way. And I don’t need there to be anything more. No expectations.

And then I just sat there in my new house and felt the sun streaming in through the windows and saw my doggies lazing in the sunbeams too and felt the perfectness in that.

When Mr A came home, he brought some take-out and we celebrated simply and happily. Then he pulled out a small box and said he wanted to mark the occasion. It was a beautiful and thoughtfully chosen pendant. He said “This is small, but I love you and wanted you to know how happy I am to have you here. Welcome.”

I felt all teary and thanked him and said: “My heart feels full.”

Thank-you universe for bringing me happy surprises when I let go and allow them to come to me.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:17pm
130: Tam says:

what a sh** day. CD who poofed and wanted a ‘relationship’ with me before he left for a weekend, just got tagged in pics from a wedding on that weekend where he has official photos with his gf. So he had a gf all the time, and pretended he was single and wanted a relationship with me and she was a ‘female friend’. A female friend you feature with in your (close) family wedding pics, having her in your arms. That will be on file forever.
This was a really nice ‘good guy’ – you would never have been able to tell.
Nice. Well, I have my answer now as to why he poofed, you see, no leaning forward needed.

Why do people have to lie and pretend and poof.

I would never be like that and fool someone. I feel so deflated, like the nice people always finish last.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:17pm
131: ruth says:

Tam, that feels truly yucky

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:25pm
132: Tam says:

Ruth, yea, I feel truly yucky today so that was the last straw for the poor camel. The stupid silly camel who trusts and loves and just gets crumbs and lies.

So much for not beating myself up, I feel so angry and so stupid and like really kicking myself.

Moving on. Back to self love, cause there’s nobody there anyway..haha..no, I mean of course back to self love. Always.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:33pm
133: ruth says:

Oh God tam

have a hug from me

Its sh**ty
And sometimes it does all seem to come at once

Yuck city central

(You will now probbaly mgt a huge spot on your chin)

No seriously, sometimes the universe does seem to have it in for us
It is not easy

this is when i do the one day, one hour, one minute at a time till i walk through the tunnel and feel a bit more, well, sanguine

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:42pm
134: ruth says:

oh FFS

I CAN spell
I just cant type

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:43pm
135: Tam says:

thank you ruth, I feel better after being hugged!

I also have the typo prob, don’t ever run a spellcheck even, but on here all gets scrambled

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:47pm
136: ruth says:

I am glad you feel better

Just bear in mind that YOU treat people properly, and be proud of that
xx

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 2:52pm
137: Tam says:

Thank you Ruth, had a little cry now better..think tears are not bad.
Sleep now, can’t wait for this day to go away..
night night xx

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:02pm
138: bloom-ing says:

hey, ladies, if anyone needs a new email address, Microsoft Outlook is offering a free email service that is getting good tech reviews & i got to choose my real name because it’s so new : ))) feels good, i feel “professional” & “real” : )

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:05pm
139: Dancing Siren says:

Blooming what are the names of the Missy Songs in 4 pls??

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:12pm
140: Femininewoman says:

Aaaaawwwww Mel

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:13pm
141: Rebecca says:

Bloom-ing, Ruth

Yeeess I really love myself. I think I am so great. I look in the mirror and think i look fanastic, I have a lovely smile, and my friends see it, and they think i a great.

It is purely finding that elusive, certain somebody that actually want to ‘stay’ with me… My friends and family cannot understand it, i cannot understand it, nothing makes sense…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:15pm
142: bloom-ing says:

dancing siren,

it’s “pass that dxtch” & “slide”

yum thanks for asking : ) i feel happy that i’m not just spamming sharing fun lyrics that make me feel Pumped Up : ))

i also really really like “funky fresh dressed to impress” : )))))

My attitude is bxtchy, ’cause my period is heavy
I used to drive a Chevy, put 20s on that baby
My nxgga was the shxt, but then that stxpid nxgga left me
So now I’m lovin’ Larry, but Larry go with Terry
& Terry is a freak, but it’s his baby she will carry
The life he lives is fairy, cartoon like “Tom & Jerry”
My flow is legendary & your style is temporary
Yeah, you need to worry, like Jason, it gets scary
The words that i spit don’t fit in a category

….
(Ms. Jade)
Had a little homie named Paul Revere
Smxked blxnt after blxnt, guzzled 40s of beer
He would swear up & down every 1st of the year
He was gonna quit smxkin, but he never did

Watch ya’ll huskey, it’s about that time
Gettin ready for the club ’round quarter til nine
Couple bottles of Hypnotic in the back of the ride
Might spit like a girl, but i hit like a guy
Me & Missy ballin’ up the avenue
Funky fresh dressed to impress, we mackin dudes
Music biz the only reason i ain’t jackin’ fools
You know bullshit walk & stackin’ rules
Niggas keeps drawin’, the streets keep callin’
Drink til i’m nice & uh, uh-uh, on’n
I’m bad luck, ya’ll mad ’cause ya’ll suck
Please do not try to fxck with this young buck

: )

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:19pm
143: Starla says:

magic.

i feel inspired to share my love of and views on magic with WarriorCD

thank you, WarriorCD.

yum.

your inspiration is much welcome

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:20pm
144: Rebecca says:

I actually think i rock!! And i am fun to be with… And i’m not gay !! I just really don’t get it. I meet men, and everything feels perfect, but it always goes wrong… Maybe i lean forward too much. I am afraid to lean back…

Gosh, i’m really waffling…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:20pm
145: ruth says:

But

Rebecca, sooy to say this but some of your other posts on here would say that you do NOT feel great about yourself

I am sure you look gorgeous and that your friends are dead right about you but do YOU believe it

I would have to delve back to illustrate what i mean , and its bedtime here but

Maybe i will tomorrow

but in your previous posts on here you dont seem to like yourself that much

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:22pm
146: Smile says:

Im all alone in the hotel ready for the wedding in the morning. It makes me sad that strumming man should be lay next to me in this double bed but he didn’t even have the decency to reply to the invite

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:22pm
147: Dancing Siren says:

Thank You

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:24pm
148: ruth says:

Ach, i feel silly
maybe there are two rebeccas
No way of telling on here

Ive had a brief read back, and rebecca if that *is * the same one, had issues with organising herslf nd was exploring the self esteem issues.Also had a critical mum and felt she wasnt good enough
Gah, too much analysis
Bed time

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:33pm
149: bloom-ing says:

smile, i love staying in hotels alone ! that feels so special to me : )

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:36pm
150: ReceivingGirl says:

@128 MissStyx – hugs to you!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:40pm
151: Rebecca says:

Ruth

No, you are right. I have a lot of self loathing too I guess. Maybe you are right.

One minute i can be really, really happy and the life and soul of the party, but if a man rejects me i start hating myself dramatically and i quickly go into a downward spiral…

In fact a very close friend pointed it out to me. She said the moment i start to like someone i start acting like a mad woman. She meant it in a nice way! She was trying to help me.

I guess deep down i feel like the old song ‘will you love me tmw?’ i think that all the time, and then i start having a panic attack.

Lol, i’m sure that sounds really dramatic… I’m just guessing really…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:41pm
152: Miss Bells says:

Good Afternoon Sirens!
Well, HS is back on Match–and he is paying for it now. He is a serial monogamist–so he and OW must have “broken up”.
He shut me out to go after her.
Now he is clearly trying to date online.
Not return to me–a matter of pride, I am sure.
Last time he did all this stuff–last summer–I moved out very quickly and regretted it. And–we ended up together again until this latest dust-up.
Online dating is much easier to overcome for me than one women who seemingly wants to do him.
My plan–Keep doing my own thing, keep moving, keep it light, use FMs–and observe him as I make my own plans.
What do you think?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:43pm
153: bloom-ing says:

i’m feeling a bit “grumpy” & “off” yet it’s “time” for me to go home……… & ………. feeling unsure if that’s the best thing for me…… i better do something first……… i feel like “flying” somewhere – feel like getting a view, a vantage point……. maybe just my porch in the quiet with a book & a glass of wine……… human ? hello ? do you allow it ? squeezy feeling…….. ick mouth ick legs ick tummy………………………………… not hungry. not “open” not patient…… ((((hugs)))) sweet sweet sweet sweetness….. yummmm…… o k ok ok i know i want to make a big Art….. a yummy pretty flowing soft colored thing……………… finish the work first, then play. new rules. mean girl mean man ! bully pout frown failing lazy girl………… ick hmmm what to do……. easy breezy clean up quick shower pretty girl relaxing….. ok dinner ? heavy sinking feeling……….. YUCK what’s wrong ? not hungry ick feeling…… hm. whattya want ? fruit water lettuce LOL ok baby.. that sounds flipping e-z, not hard : ) i can do that for you easy, without even running an errand. can’t. hard. heavy. CAN ! EASY ! LIGHT ! sweet girl, don’t fret. don’t want to Make Myself change my mind. i’m not changing your mind. i’m just saying, you can have what you want. sulk. you wanna sulk & fight ? lol no … scared. wasting time. no such thing : ))) ……. relaxed tummy, fat belly under the waistband like a buddha… go to the bathroom, no guilt. yayyyy lk pretty girl fun timez…. oh you can go if you want…….. i feel you will Hurt someone ! no no no my heart doesn’t hurt people. sometimez. no, they hurt themselves. ok ok i won’t hurt you : ) eazy peazy call your man & see what’s up for dinner so you can make good decisions that feel light & loving : ) yummm yayyy thank you

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:46pm
154: Dancing Siren says:

Mel re 139,

Thank You. That is Lovely!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:47pm
155: Rebecca says:

I guess there are 2 me’s. There is the me in the outside world. Laughing and joking, and life if the party and my friends smiling along with me and telling me i am great. Then there is ths ‘real’ me, the neurotic mess. Never satisfied with myself, always looking in the mirror and wondering why i don’t look normal. I can’t explain it.. I realise now i really need to work on this… I feel curious… Maybe a bit enlightened…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:48pm
156: Dancing Siren says:

Re 152,

I’m sorry Miss Bells,

I think totally different.

I think drop him like a hot potato, don’t observe, move yourself away and ride on…

JMO.

xoxo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:49pm
157: Dancing Siren says:

If that is too ‘advicy’ feel free to ignore.

My feeling is just

NOOOO!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:51pm
158: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I meant to say to you tdy that you have inner work to do but you dont come across as worshipping a man. It seems to me there are parts of yourself that you still need to discover accept and touch with love. MaybE practice mentally going through different body parts and personas daily painting them with love.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:56pm
159: Miss Bells says:

I have 2 men that want to meet me. One wants to take me kayaking, the other lives in a wonderful coastal village that I adore. One from POF and one from Match.
We are still LIVING together. We WILL interact. We have had a peaceful home life for a loooonng time. But–I KNOW how to lean back, and how to cut my losses.
I think his sexual pride was hurt, and he is thrashing around. Nor attractive.
I almost feel sorry for him, but I will not show him. I am not his sister, his mama, or his therapist.
The plot thickens…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 3:58pm
160: Rebecca says:

I think i am a bit of an exhibitionist. But i do it in a way that makes people laugh. I love making people laugh and putting them at their ease. But deep down i have zero confidence. You are right FW deep down i need to start loving me properly. I really want to do that. Gosh, i am truly waffling now…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:04pm
161: ReceivingGirl says:

Rebecca, I think we have all been there. What helped me was reading inspirational blogs regarding personal growth. I learned so much about myself and many different perspectives on living life.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:16pm
162: Dancing Siren says:

Bed Time!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:17pm
163: ReceivingGirl says:

I feel all giggly. Mr. Observant has plans tonight, but he still wanted to make it so he could see me. He said he would drive separate so he could come over later. I had to tell him, he won’t get here until late and it’s a work night, so just ride in one car and enjoy the evening. So, he agreed, but he’s texting and saying he will call me soon!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:31pm
164: MissStix says:

Recievinggirl

Thank you! And you’re right. I did and (obviously) still do visit inspirational blogs. Lots!! It helped me a lot too.

Rebecca

I feel the same about “2 me’s”. I have a very masculine, powerful, commanding side. I also havea very soft, vulnerable, yearning feminine side. I have always shown love to my masculine side. My feminine side on the other hand…Yeah. Not so much. She was never good enough for me. Not pretty enough, not fun enough. Just not enough. What a hardship it is to tap into the masculine side to heal the feminine side without letting the masculine side overwhelm her. I’ll call my masculine side “Mr. I-can-do-anything-and-everything-for-anyone-anytime”. He likes to shine! Sigh.

Anyway…I relate to you, and feel you. <3

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:42pm
165: MissStix says:

Recievinggirl

again lol

Good job keeping it real! No harm in putting him off for a bit! It’s the little things that project a confident vibe, right!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:47pm
166: ReceivingGirl says:

@MissStyx

I can also relate to the masculine and feminine sides and it being easier to love the masculine side. I’ve just recently been finding my feminine side.

Yes, he’s all worried about seeing me because it’s been a busy week and I will be gone for the weekend, he has dinner plans tomorrow and I might be busy on Monday. He’s planning on seeing me tomorrow after his dinner plans. That will be ok since it’s Friday and I don’t need to get up so early.

I like to be able to see him too and it’s cute how he is acting. But, I need my sleep!!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:52pm
167: LiliBee says:

I feel blah, blurk, yuk.
I feel tension in my shoulders.

I felt isolated, so I let myself get sucked into negative energy stirring to fit in.
That doesn’t feel good.
I feel drained, tense, closed in.
Those feelings give off bad vibes that I do not want to radiate.

I feel peaceful and light when I don’t get sucked in and stay out of that negative stirring.

I like to repeat to myself “don’t feed the monster”.
Coz to me, joining in the complaining fest, takes my eye off the ball (the main goal), and it feeds the bad ugly monster.

When I don’t like how I’m being talked to or treated, I try to find what I can learn from it for me.
Complaining only feeds the monster, and makes me feel tied up in knots and that radiates bad vibes.

I try to apply ‘trust 1st’, think the best, feel the best, and if I get disappointed, I trust myself to handle it”.

I’m trying to apply that at work right now, but people think I’m delusional.

So, after my little trip in negativeland today, I want to go back to the thoughts and openmindedness that make me feel good.

It’s OK if they don’t include me in their “monsterfeeding” gatherings, I will only feel better for it.

I don’t know if I make sense to any of you sirens, but I am feeling lighter after processing this.

I love being me

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 4:56pm
168: Dominique says:

Rebecca – #110 – I’m so sorry you feel this much pain. I get it; I really, really do. I’ve been there and for a great many years.

I realize this sounds cliché, but maybe it’s just not your time yet. Coming from a place of desperation is not a good place to come from. People (men) can feel it miles away.

This may help or not. I felt trapped in a terrible and painful marriage for over twelve years. Being alone would have felt so much better. And it wasn’t until I summoned the courage to finally leave, that I made room for the real thing to show up, and it did right away. Even though I was a huge mess. And that K showed up then (or rather reappeared) was the last thing I would have anticipated.

I don’t know if you know much if any of my story, but if I was able to find this kind of love, ANYONE can.

I wish I knew you better to better help you see what it is that still needs releasing to make room for what you seek.

xxoo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:03pm
169: Daria says:

Miss Stix ong that post feels so amazing and healing. I feel like you’re one of my voices. That feels so awesome.

I feel uplifted.

Yay I feel ashamed to be easy healing riding on someone else’s wisdom

I notice the pull to beat myself up and I feel so Embarassed to feel so admiring and happy and excited to read someone else’s words.

Wow this feels so unbearably humiliating and I live me anyway it also feels awesome and fun and healing.

I’m feeling energized and empowered.

‘What a hardship it is to tap into the masculine side to heal the feminine side without letting the masculine side overwhelm her’

Wow I’m healing this too

And today I felt like I was connected to a whole line of powerful people and I was one of them and I felt at peace

I feel calm when I feel part of a group

My breathing slows and I feel big and connected like the Egyptian giant statues

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:05pm
170: Annie says:

Miss Bells says:

“Good Afternoon Sirens!
Well, HS is back on Match–and he is paying for it now. He is a serial monogamist–so he and OW must have “broken up”.
He shut me out to go after her.
Now he is clearly trying to date online.
Not return to me–a matter of pride, I am sure.
Last time he did all this stuff–last summer–I moved out very quickly and regretted it. And–we ended up together again until this latest dust-up.
Online dating is much easier to overcome for me than one women who seemingly wants to do him.
My plan–Keep doing my own thing, keep moving, keep it light, use FMs–and observe him as I make my own plans.
What do you think?”

What was your arrangement with him before you moved in?
What was the deal he was offering?
What is it now, have you discussed it?
Do you CD?
What do you want?
Not of him in general what sort of relationship and man do you want?
Do you want to a man who is dating other women or actively seeking other women?
Only you know what you want and what is tolerable and what is a deal breaker to you.
Hugs.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:06pm
171: Dominique says:

And another thought I have is this. You are not necessarily doing something wrong. You just haven’t found your brand of weird yet. And when I say weird, this is a big compliment. Weird is wonderful, special, different, interesting.

xxoo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:06pm
172: Daria says:

Miss Bells – ‘peaceful Home life’ seems to be a theme in your posts.

Is this something important to you in your ideal relationship ?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:07pm
173: Dominique says:

Healing and learning to love yourself is an ongoing, lifelong process. We all have parts we don’t like so mcuh, parts we want to change.

Someone can still fall in love with you, flawed bits and all. It’s part of what will endear you to a man. Men tend to be far more forgiving in some ways about imperfections than many women.

Please allow some patience and gentleness towards yourself around all of this.

xxoo

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:20pm
174: Annie says:

I feel my center being pulled off balance.
It feels difficult to remain centered and not by pulled of balance.
Someone who I gave a speech too and a boundary did not step up and walked away which I accepted for the best.
And now they are back hovering but doing and saying nothing.
It brought all the old stuff back, but I did something different than in the past.
I took a step back moved in the other direction and went and did something off my feel good list to focus on something else, rather than waiting around and obsessing.
It feels difficult not to get pulled back and start thinking and obsessing.
It feels so weird.
Like I am semi frozen.
semi stuck.
Like I am being pulled in two different directions
I feel sad.
My heart hurts.
tears.
I don’t know what they want.
Why come back now?
I feel lighter.
The pain feels lifted a little.
I want to be strong and do what is in my best interest.
I don’t want to settle for crumbs.
I want it all, the whole cake plus the icing.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:24pm
175: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Annie)))

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:29pm
176: MissStix says:

lilibee

makes perfect sense to me! your words seem to come from the same place mine do. I feel connected with you in the quest for positivity!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:31pm
177: LiliBee says:

D said he would finish work early tonight and we would see each other.

It’s getting late, so we won’t see each other.

Last night, I thought I would get an overnight bag ready after dinner, go to his house, wash his dishes and wait for him so I could see him when he got home.
That would have made him happy…but not me.

This time by myself is allowing me to really look at this and see that it would be ‘overfunctioning’, making it easy for him.

It would erase my integrity and neutralize the effects of my FMs on the subject.

I’ve been saying to him in the last couple of weeks:
” I miss our romantic alone time.
I feel disconnected and cold when we don’t get that time. I don’t want to feel that way in our relationship.
I don’t want our relationship to feel like a business relationship where all we share is money and material things.”

Some time before, I also said ” I don’t feel good living with a man, and spending my evenings alone at home doing all the chores by myself and waiting for him to come home. That would make me feel unappreciated, sad and lonely.
I want to share my life and a home with a man, and that kind of situation would feel like the opposite of what I want.
Until I have someone that will share his life and a home with me, I will feel better taking care of me and doing things for me.”

So you can see how my overfunctioning by going over there to wait for him to come home would totally erase all the value of those FMs.
My actions would not be aligned with my feelings, and that would end up making me feel bad in the longrun.

I feel so glad I caught that.
Honouring my own FMs is what loving myself is all about.
I feel so proud of myself for seeing that clearly and honouring myself by staying put and leaning back.
I feel all loving now…from within.

LOVE FROM ME TO ME !!!!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:34pm
178: MissStix says:

daria

I feel intensly proud of myself when you speak of me. Thank you! From my soul.

I have a vague memory of writing you a post when I was tipsy a day or 2 ago. I remember feeling love for a stranger. Smiling at the memory!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:35pm
179: Miss Bells says:

#172 Daria–yes, a peaceful beautiful home is very important to me, and we had that for a long time. Now-I will have it again, by myself, with another, or with him if he meets my terms.
He is behaving frantically right now. I can smell the desperation.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:36pm
180: Annie says:

Ty Receiving girl.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:39pm
181: ReceivingGirl says:

Lilibee – I feel happy you caught yourself from overfunctioning too!! You inspire me.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:41pm
182: LiliBee says:

176:

Thanks Miss Sixty!

Let’s be the positivity team!

I try to remind myself why I’m there:

I’m there to do a good job and accomplish something, to learn (that’s my ball!)

When I get into complaining mode with my coworkers, it takes my focus (eye) off of what I’m there for (the ball).

I want to catch the ball.

I feel more powerfull saying that.
I feel more grounded.
I feel lighter.
I feel more peaceful.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:45pm
183: MissStix says:

Lilibee

Sweet! I am proud of you. You worked that out amazingly.

“Honouring my feeling msgs.” Such a clear way of looking at it!

I think that’s how i’ll look at my alone at home time from now on…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:46pm
184: Belle says:

Boy at work is testing boundaries again.
It’s difficult, he’s very charming and manipulative and it’s my nature to want to be open and friendly. When I see him I involuntarily light up. But I feel like it’s not safe let my guard down around him.
He innocently called and asked for computer help and before I knew it I was sucked into helping him when I would rather not have. He flagged me down after work and asked me if things were better now that we had some distance. I nodded my head slightly and drove on. I felt regret after, because it was better when he was uncomfortable and not talking to me and then he started feeling comfortable and feeling out my receptivity again.

I feel like I need a new lease on life. I feel the need to make some kind of decision on a career path. I feel the need to grow myself. I feel like if I were more well-rounded and mature and more involved in something I feel passionate about, inappropriate men wouldn’t be so overwhelmingly attractive to me.

I feel like it’s time to get clear on what I want in life. I feel unsure, uncertain, which way to go. What seemed to call me so intensely just a couple of years ago doesn’t seem so interesting anymore. I took a test at the college and was told I’d make a great admin assistant or social worker. I feel like I’d rather die than be stuck in either of those roles.
I feel like I would love love LOVE to do the intuitive work I am so good at, but feel uncertain whether it will actually help me really grow. I’m feeling a need for more worldly experience.

I’m wondering if someone like me with such a violent past can really transform and become more than before. When I think I about it I notice…yes. I handled the situation with the boy at work very differently than ever before. I felt my feelings as fully as possible, I never blamed him for anything, I never demanded, I watched and noticed his behavior and set an intention to synch up the fantasy with the reality and that’s what happened.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I know I can trust that if I focus on growing and cultivating love and synergy and embodying infinity more and more, the path will continue to open up before me.
And so it is.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:47pm
185: Cinnabar says:

Thank you Rori! I am reading right now as I type!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:47pm
186: MissStix says:

Team Positivity!

I’m in on that.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:52pm
187: Jasmine says:

I need a mannnnnnn

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 5:55pm
188: MissStix says:

Belle

I believe you can have all you want. When I read your comment I sensed that you wrap your “wants” up with your feelings. Which doesn’t seem constructive. I don’t know how to put it in words…But almost like there’s no way not to feel desperate.

I just had an idea to separate “wants” from feelings…

I want to be a photographer and earn a living capturing beautiful images. I feel light and hopeful when I think about making this happen.

I also want to be an RN and continue to earn a living providing people with love, compassion, and healing. I feel proud when I think about making that happen.

I put my wants first and then how what I want can make me feel so good!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:02pm
189: LiliBee says:

181:

Thanks RG,

Ya know, this time apart is allowing me time to connect to myself, by sitting here processing my feelings and stuff.

By accepting and allowing this me time (what is), leaning back ( I could have called him on his cell but didn’t), I came to feeling relaxed, open and loving when he called a few minutes ago.

We’re going to meet his cousin and gf tomorrow, and we’re sleeping over.

My feeling relaxed, open and loving put me in a vibe that I was able to say a good FM from the heart:

” I have such a fun time with your cousin. He wanted us to spend the entire weekend. He’s not one to take no for an answer, and I know how you don’t feel comfortable saying no…But I would feel so good to spend some alone time with you to feel connected with you.
I miss being romanced.
What do you think?”

(I let it go about him not showing up tonight.
I said FMs about this type of situation already, and my message is clear enough by having honoured them by staying at my place tonight.
So no need to say more about that.)

He responded: ” We’ll only stay Friday night, I’m not staying Saturday. We’ll go home and have our alone time. It will feel good to rest.”

I could hear and feel the smiley tone in his voice

The old pre-Rori me would have hit him over the head about overworking tonight.
I would have chewed him out about tonight, and I would have given him an ‘order’ on what to do this weekend.
Yuk, that must have felt suffocating to a man.
He would not have looked forward to some alone romantic time with me!
He would have withdrawn, and I would have gotten more angry and more disappointed in him.

This new post-Rori me feels peaceful.
I’m guiding him on how to treat me, and I’m giving him an opportunity to step up and make me feel happy

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:15pm
190: LiliBee says:

188:

Oh MissSixty, I’m copying those!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:21pm
191: ReceivingGirl says:

Lilibee – sounds like everything worked out perfectly!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:22pm
192: LiliBee says:

Oops, it’s MissStix not MissSixty!

I feel cutsy messing up, lol.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:23pm
193: LiliBee says:

I mean ‘cutesie’, or ‘cutesy’, or ‘cutesey’…that word’s not even in the dictionnary anyway.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:24pm
194: LiliBee says:

191:

Thanks RG,

I’ll see how it turns out if he’s capable of saying no to his cousin about staying a 2nd night.
Will are relationship come 1st before his ‘disease to please’ ?
Stay tuned…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:33pm
195: April Rose says:

@75 Daria,

Thank you, sweet Daria, I needed your perspective

“…And it does feel so easy and fantastic as my heart just bleeds love…” Yep. That is the feeling.
And yes, my focus was on him.
And it was also a response to how good he made me feel. It took me by surprise, this heart-bleeding-love.

So, after I read what you wrote, I brought myself back into myself some. When I met him tonight he asked me if I was back to normal, and remarked with surprise that I had been ‘all over him’ earlier.

I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I feel grateful and glad that I nipped it in the bud.

How do you believe that the divine Feminine can worship the divine Masculine, if indeed she does at all?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:35pm
196: LiliBee says:

FEMININE WOMAN !!

Where are you? I have something to say to you:

You know when you suggested D might be a ‘magician’ type personality, I looked it up and read on it.

You had suggested I chear him on and be his audience.

I tried that out this way:

We spent a fun dinner evening with another couple where D cracked us up.
We laughed so hard!

The next morning, I replayed it in my head on purpose, and I laughed out loud.
The replay in my head was just as funny as the live thing.
I told him how funny he was, how twisted up by body felt from laughing so hard.

He was all too happy to replay it live just for me.
We had a good long laugh together.

I replayed it again in my head in the car, and it still felt so hilarious!
He enjoyed seeing me laugh like that, and he laughed right along with me, not a word spoken.

We got out of the car where people greeted us, and we were all smiley and giggly.

For almost 3 years I’ve been digging my brain watching him have fun with other people and not with me!
I felt so jealous! I wanted to have the laughs and fun with him too!

He did something at that funny dinner party that got on my nerves.
In the past, I would have focused on that and would have hit him on the head with an angry remark the next day.
This time, I chose to focus on the funny things he did and pointed those out instead.
It lead to a whole day of laughing and giggling together like I always wanted!

You had pointed out to me FW: “I see how you’re noticing the good things about D.”, and gee that stuck!

You always know how to plant the seed in me FW!

You are such a blessing!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:58pm
197: April Rose says:

@104 Mel,

I feel afraid. I think I may be accidentally swimming into ‘intense’ waters without even seeing it.

Your arm-stroking of MrA sounds lovely and gentle.

I was all-out sitting on this man, kissing him and feeling super-passionate and all over him.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:59pm
198: Starla says:

Weee, the fun girly joy of picking out something to wear to a dinner date tomorrow:)

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 6:59pm
199: April Rose says:

I’m not sure if my focus was primarily him, or my own passion. It was bubbling up inside me hugely.
It was like the overflow only had one place to spill onto – him!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:00pm
200: R.N.AmazingMe says:

So I get home and “M” starts as soon as we walked in door. I could see it and feel it the anger, the overworked and overtired face and it was all me and my kid’s fault. I walk on egg shells and say I am sorry, try to clean more but it is not good enough. I am sorry I do not want to be your “Cinderella” We provide all this you have not even paid a dent in what we have given you!…The unspoken words, I cannot tak it. You want to stay home and clean all day go right ahead. I do not and life is about enjoying it. YOu work…work….work…clean…clean….and never waant to breathe and relax and enjoy the other things in life. No wonder your so tired! I do not want to be that I am 32 and yes with all my faults and wrong doing, I am sorry if I do not want to scrub the grout with for you or with you. That sounds mean but geez that and “D” negative ways lately..I am fit to be tied. Sorry to sound “Ungreatful” in “YOUR” house but you say you both want us here but everything your actions down to your comments right out of your mouth say otherwise.MAybe M & D need to reflect and think maybe at this time in thier life they want some peace and quiet. It’s ok and it will probably save our family so I have to do something soon. Operation Grow Up and be Independent cannot be completed if I stay here….thanks for letting me vent here sirens..

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:09pm
201: MissStix says:

The person who gave me that nickname calls me MissStixy all the time! Yeah it’s cute…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:18pm
202: April Rose says:

Thank you Dominique,

I didn’t see your message before I met up with him, but I did try bringing up the topic of sex again.
I said “I feel curious. I’m wondering if I could be turned on by what turns you on”.
He still didn’t talk, and I didn’t push it.

Then I glimpsed his ‘monster’ face, the one he had on when he bit me recently as we were making out.
I asked him what this part of him wanted. I know it is the part that likes to play rough. I just have no idea how rough.

He said it was too late to talk, so I left it for the moment.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:20pm
203: Belle says:

@ 188 ~ Miss Stix – oh, GOT it, thank you!
I had to read, re-read, go away and come back and read AGAIN before it gelled. Yes! The one way is being wrapped up in the feeling of not having, the other is a fun dance with desire

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:23pm
204: Linda says:

I have an odd thing going on inside me. I feel split in two. In my minds eye I see myself differently than I actually do look. I mean there are similarities but what I feel about myself is different than what I see. Having lost 20 pounds, I feel thin ( still have more that I want to loose) but when I look in the mirror I see a fat woman looking back at me. Or I bought an awsome pair of shoes on sale a few weeks back.. I love them. In my mind they are so hot and hip… when I put them on to wear tonight, I looke in the mirror and took them off and did not wear them because something told me I looked silly in them. Like teenager feet attached to my 53 year old body. Even the shirt I wore tonight I felt pretty in when I left the house but when I excused myself to go to the restroom I caught my reflection in the mirror and felt the shirt looked too small and I felt super self conscious. I looked at the woman in the mirror and she looks different than I feel I look. I thought my clothes looked put together and updated, but after diner tonight I did not think so. I felt the shirt looked tight and my pants were too big in the legs. ugh

I dont understand this?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:40pm
205: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Thank you for loving me ((((AMazingMe)))))…I have to let this stuff out and am not going to let it consume me. Out with the old me and in with the new. I used to let all my business out and then became total opposite and started stuffing it all down. Now I am tyring to be at a happy medium while learning what makes me happy. “NOT EVERYONE ELSE” I am blind here just going through life and learning. That is good, I am ok with that. At the end of the day I have my own demons to face. I am very aware, it’s feeling better but long process. I believe God and my Gramps and Grams up there in the heavens above will help show me my way…

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:48pm
206: Starbright says:

One of the last things left is to officially quit a professional organization so I will no longer see my previous guy. I have an email drafted to one of the officers. Just afraid over the next few days or weeks I will feel panicky. We could easily not ever see each other aside for several items of his at my house.

The last few days I have been feeling sad. But I want to choose me. I want to stand up for me if I don’t who will. My heart and body and life are important. Please choose me over a man who doesn’t truly want you. It is such a downer to.be with someone who does not choose you. I choose you (me!). There will be better circumstances and better men and more love for me. I do not need to choose pain instead of the feel good and juicy love. Yeah me!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 7:54pm
207: Femininewoman says:

LiliBee thanks for sharing your story. Isn’t it amazing how things can change if we are willing to open up, try seeing things from a different perspective and experiment with being a different way in relationships? Congrats Lilibee

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:04pm
208: Starbright says:

Is anyone still on the blog tonight? If so it would feel really good for some thoughts on how to stay strong and choose oneself. When you know you must choose yourself and cut all ties because the third way just won’t work for your situation. And the discussion short as it was has already taken place. How do I stay strong and quit the organization we both belong to?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:05pm
209: Starbright says:

Femininewoman do you have any words of wisdom for me? It seems you always do!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:09pm
210: Femininewoman says:

Starbright if you quit the organization will you have other options? Is quitting part of your normal “flight” response?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:21pm
211: Femininewoman says:

It seems like standing up for yourself would be sinking in and embracing whatever feelings are coming up around the situation.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:22pm
212: Starbright says:

Femininewoman, thanks for responding!

To your question about whether quitting is a normal response…I would say I feel like hanging on or staying on the fence is my normal response with men. Or, running initially and then coming back.

We started at the organization at the same time and so it is all so tied up together. My enthusiasm for it has waned and I could join another group if I want. I have a hard time thinking of being there without some sort of relationship with him.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:33pm
213: Starbright says:

And I have felt addicted to him and even though circular dating on and off can’t seem to cut ties with him when I see him. It is crumbs when I want everything. I keep accepting less.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:37pm
214: Femininewoman says:

Starbright your “enthusiasm” is what jumped at me. Feeding that is what I would suggest you do, not leaving the organization because of him. Stand in your power and feed(l) your excitement for your life regardless.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:40pm
215: Starbright says:

My feelings about him and the organization change between feelings of peace and those of sadness. Easy going with an ability to breathe deeply and some pain in my chest and a bit of a panicky feeling. I grew a lot with both. But I feel like my growth there is done. I need new groups and people in my life.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:42pm
216: Femininewoman says:

Starbright until you leave it would be good to focus on being a RockStar. You feel what you feel but just treat him as a friend.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:42pm
217: Starbright says:

Femininewoman, thank you for taking the time to respond to me tonight! I will be letting your words sink in and reevaluate mu feelings tomorrow.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 8:47pm
218: Starla says:

woohoo, rockstar all the way

i remember i took a job and my soon-to-be-boss during the interview was like “so do you speak to (ex’s name) anymore? we’re in a band together.”

hahahaaaaa yikes.

but i rockstar’d my way through it. even though he is my most triggering ex of all time.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:12pm
219: Butterfly wings says:

TH is acting weird and told me that I’ve misunderstood what he wants. Huh??

He’s also been posting sad faces and sad comments on FB. I know it’s about us but he told me he wants to talk to me about it but not yet.

I sent him an email telling him that him ending it with me gave me the certainty I desperately needed although I’d have preferred to have that with him.

I also told him (after my dad and I talked yesterday) that I now understand his reasons for stepping back when I needed him the most, and all I want is for the both of us to be happy.

I am thinking that he wants things to look exactly like they did before we announced we were in a relationship. What I don’t understand about that is that everything would be exactly the same but without the FB relationship status. What the?? I don’t understand what he hopes to achieve by doing that.

What I do know is that I’m more than happy to embrace my single life, but he’s really not comfortable with that because I think he fears he will lose me. Yup. He’s right!!!

I already have a tentative date for next week!!

Men are sooooo confusing!!!!!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:31pm
220: Starla says:

(((((((((((((bw)))))))))))))))
men are confusing in this way, aren’t they? that’s why we just stay on our bridge:):):)

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:35pm
221: Turquoise says:

H Sirens,

Mr. Conversation came over today to talk about my website, but we ended up talking more about what’s going on in his life, us and then some about the website. It’s really refreshing to talk to him about things, because he’s very open and expressive. For example, we were standing and he put his hand on my shoulder with his arm straight out and said, sometimes I feel like doing this… (keeping me at arms length) and then he pulled me in and hugged me and said sometimes he feels like doing that. I told him I feel he assumes a lot about what he thinks I want. I told him that ideally, yes, I do want a serious relationship, but that I’m not expecting that right now. He said it feels like I do. I told him that even if he came to me and told me how much he wanted it, I’d say no right now, because I don’t feel he’s ready. He didn’t believe me. He equates a lot with playing games, thinking that I’m trying to get a reaction out of him. I don’t know if all men are like that, or if it’s just his personality. It was funny though, when he showed up he told me how nice I looked, and he really liked my shirt, didn’t think he’d ever seen me in anything so colorful. I guess they do prefer color to black or white. I do wear a lot of blue and coral, but this shirt is blue, gree and yellow, sort of a watercolor effect. Of course I was ready for my date… which felt a little akward. He asked me if we were staying in, and I said no, going to dinner. Then asked why I was having him pick me up here. I said he doesn’t know the area, and he said… I don’t mean to sound nebby…. so I said, it’s someone I dated before, and he said “oh really”. I just said, you said you were fine with this, and he just shook his head and then changed the subject. I wouldn’t have explained anything if he wasn’t here… I didn’t even say I had a date, I just said I had dinner plans. He keeps saying to me that he just wants us to relax and enjoy each other, and that he wants me in his life and won’t let me leave, unless I really want to. It feels so deeply good, to have a man want me in his life, without any sortof expectation, except that I be myself. We aren’t sleeping together, no kissing or anything. We are on hold until things feel more secure with his legal issues. So, very good talk as usual, and I told him the thing I need, is consistency. He promised that he’ll be able to give me that soon, once a legal thing gets cleared up. I really like him, but I’m doing sooo good to not put him up on a pedestal, and have stopped trying to help so much, or lean forward. I told him a lot of what the psychic told me, and a good bit of it was about him. He was very intersested and asked if I’d want us to go do it together. Gosh ladies…. how often does it happen that you meet a good unavailable man, who you just really LIKE. I don’t know what it is…. but almost makes me feel like we were best friends in a past life. I truly don’t know if we’d be good in a relationship together. I honestly don’t know, but I’m curious to see how things grow between us.

My date with Tom was great. He looks fantastic, lost a bunch of weight. We went out to dinner and then came back here and watched some of the Olympics. He’s a man of few emotional words. So different than Mr. Conversation. We kissed, he rubbed my neck and shoulders, and I know he wanted more, but I said no. I told him that it’s been a long time since we dated, and I’m not looking to rush into anything. l already have plans with my girlfriends to go see Magic Mike tomorrow night, and then Saturday night going to a local community activity and to see fireworks with my sister. He asked what I’m doing tomorrow night… but if we keep seeing each other, I’d handle it soooo differently this time. I feel amazed at how much I’ve learned and grown in 16 months here! (he’s the guy who brought me to the blog)

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:44pm
222: Radlove says:

Yay! I have a new CD date tomorrow night that I’m actually excited about! I posted a personals ad today and talked on the phone for about two hours with a new CD who I feel really comfortable with! I will call him BJ.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 9:58pm
223: Turquoise says:

That’s great Radlove! Happy for you!

I’m feeling stressed that C plans to come in for a whole week at our oldests birthday. He wants to work in the yard and the girls have cheer practice 4 nights, so thinking he’s planning to stay here. It didn’t go so well last time, and things are different now, including that he has a girlfriend. When I told Mr. Converation, he asked where I’m going… and I probably won’t. Between work and running the girls around… I won’t be home that much. It’s going to be an odd situation though.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:04pm
224: Radlove says:

I can’t resist telling you he is in a high position in government, and I probably shouldn’t tell you that. But he seems like a real quality man!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:12pm
225: Daria says:

Femininewoman I feel insured to paint my body parts w love

This time turn them a color right now my right arm feels blue and magnificent

Royal

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:28pm
226: ruth says:

Morning
204.Linda-oh yes. I lost a fair bit of weight four years ago, and still find it difficult to accept the new me

Radlove YES for a CD you are interested in

Rebecca-hm-I used to do that, well still do, but not as much.Life and soul of the party,etc.For me it was overcompensation for the emptiness and pain inside
it wasnt *real*

What do you think?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:39pm
227: ruth says:

Many of you lovely ladies leading by example with the tools
I am learning so much

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 10:47pm
228: Tam says:

sigh. another day.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:24pm
229: Starbright says:

Aw, Tam! Big hugs!!

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:32pm
230: Tam says:

thank you Starbright… off to my little job I go…
I feel so sad and disillusioned.
All will be ok.

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:35pm
231: P-lala says:

((((tam)))) hoping your day brings delightful surprises

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:40pm
232: Becki says:

i have been reading a lot of the blog and i’m trying to figure out which program i should start with (right now thinking modern siren?) i have a complicated situation. i would hope my post would not cause harsh judgment or criticism towards me (seems like everyone on here is pretty much non-judgemental which is why i am choosing to post this) how best to put this?

it started 12 years ago when i was dating a wonderful man but felt he really wasn’t that into me. seems like he was enjoying single life and dating (at least one other woman at the time) so i started dating another man. for a few weeks i was seeing both men and although unaware i was able to get pregnant (long story) i did become pregnant.

The one i first started dating (i’ll call him VP) had already told me he accepted a job offer and in a few months would be moving 3 hours away. the other one was nice enough and i liked him but he wasn’t “the one” (I’ll call him UD for underdog) well my periods are irregular so no idea who was the father but according to missed period it was VP. later an ultrasound swung more towards UD.

i chose to let VP go not mentioning possible fatherhood (was 24 and very immature in some ways, selfish really) and let UD claim her. Everyone says she is spitting image of UD (i can’t tell) anyways after several years we married and now 12 years later i am miserable.

i will be leaving in the next 2 months to go out on my own (please again, i feel guilty enough already) since new years i started seeing VP again about 2-3 times a month. (He still lives 3 hours away) UD suspects something but im not ready to break his heart (not in a position where i can afford to move out for another month or 2)
well ive discovered im madly in love with VP and he knows my situation. He’s ok seeing me but i think my situation causes him to withdraw somewhat (He still is unaware there is a possibility he could be a father).
when we are together it’s amazing, but when im back home the contact is not very much. fb messages every week on average.

i told him 2 visits ago that i didn’t think he was into me so i let him go and found out i was pregnant and settled but he was always the one. told him i didn’t know what we have and im ok with that now but one day i want his heart (i am not ok with it but given that i am still married what can i really expect from him) he never responded, just hugged me. i left and have visited once since.

he held me more the next time and was much “loving” but still no mention. he pulls back a lot, and then will come around again. it’s not all about sex either.
i want to know basically how i can 1. keep him around until i can move out, 2. keep him interested after i move out, 3. help him to see once a cheater always a cheater is not true. he knows i am not in love with my husband and did it for my daughter. i dont make it a habit to cheat but this man has my heart and i would do anything for him.
BUT i know i need to learn how to lean back at the same time.
i always visit him which is normally a no no i think, but i am married and living at home so him coming here is a no-no as well. he really is a great guy and in my eyes he is “the one”. i never stopped thinking about him in all these years and hate i chose the path i did but i feel like with help i can turn this in my favor.

so which program would you think i need? Or am I beyond help?

Thursday, 2 August 2012 @ 11:47pm
233: ruth says:

Wow becki

Thats a complicated one
Im no expert on all this stuff, but I have learned that you cant “make” a man do anything or fel anything for yo if thats not what he wants.
So you cant really do anything with VP

Does UD know you are planning to move out?

Seems to me, that is the thing you need to do first-and then see how things go once you are set up on your own

Even if you are no longer in love with UD, it is still going have an effct on you wehn you do leave and you will need time to deal with that in your own way, regardless of what VP does

I am sure you will be getting much more useful Sireny advice soon

Re the programs
I have the E book, Modern Siren, reconnect and heart toolkit. Reconnect so fatr i have found the most usefl
Finally, i dont think anyone is beyond help

Good luck xx

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:21am
234: ruth says:

PS Most of the Sirens seem to be based in the USA so they will be asleep right now

Im on GMT

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:35am
235: ruth says:

Hope today is better than you think tam
xxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:39am
236: Femininewoman says:

(((((((((((((((Tam))))))))))))))))

Put your hand on your heart and do the affirmations

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:36am
237: Butterfly Wings says:

Having absolutely NO attachment to the outcome is unbelievably liberating!

I know TH wants to talk about something to do with us, but right now I am totally ok with whatever will come out of that talk.

I went downstairs (which is basically where he’s been staying most of the time) to put some washing on and he called me in to ask if I was ok. I said I was but that I was feeling a little impatient about our yet-to-have talk. I then said “I feel impatient but I’m dealing with it well, as you can see!”. He thanked me, because he said to me this morning that he wasn’t “ready” to talk yet.

Why does it take him so long to process stuff???

I’m doing ok though, but would really like some closure on this situation.

Oh and I also told him earlier that him ending things with me had given me the certainty I needed, because things had been up in the air for quite some time now.

I wonder if that’s “scared” him that I’m so ok with it ending??

Ok, time to get out of his head and back into mine!

I’m going to attempt to get some sleep tonight (first time in a week I think), so good night everyone!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:29am
238: Turquoise says:

((((butterfly wings)))) you sound really strong and resilient. Wow for you to realize he needs time to process, and respecting that. I know closure is a bad word around here, but I just read a quote about sometimes it’s ok to burn a bridge, because it prevents you from going somewhere you don’t need to be. Do what feels right to u.

My psychic kept repeating that to me, to be full, I need to be open, receptive and to feel. Feel, feel feel, she told me to feel open even in my pores, to let more in. Its such a good visual to keep me in the moment. I had a hard time staying in the moment with Tom last night, while he is an amazing kisser, possibly best ever, I kept thinking about mr. Conversation.

My goal is to make some boundaries, put them in place and keep them.

It would have been so easy to sleep with Tom last night. Physically I wanted it, but emotionally I did not. Thank you boundaries!!!!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:00am
239: April Rose says:

Radlove,

Are you sure you want to name your new Cd that way (BJ)?
Could it sound a little too sexy too soon?!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:07am
240: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel sad and stupid and scared.
I couldn’t sleep last night.
I don’t know why, but I woke up startled at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep until 5am.

I felt so anxious.
I still feel a little bit now, but it’s better.

I felt so crazy and swirly and hopeless and desperate in the early morning hour.

I dropped to my knees and opened my palms to the heavens in surrender.

I don’t understand.
I feel so confused.
I feel exhausted.
I feel small and little and helpless.
I feel like a tiny little girl.

I feel so teary and tired.
I feel untouched physically
and yet, I also feel comforted in this really weird strange way.

It feels like warm soothing salve on my bruise-y heart.

I feel sleepy.
I want to go home.
to my real home.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:49am
241: Iamabutterfly says:

I want someone to rub and kiss my forehead and I want someone to tell me to go to sleep.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:49am
242: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel accepting of myself.
It feels good, but what does it feel so sad, as well?
It almost feels like my Inner Self has been begging for this, and she feels sad with me.
It feels like she’s crying with me and that she loves me so much.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:53am
243: MissStix says:

@BW

omg yes! Men are by FAR the most confusing of the sexes.

I somehow just always believed men were simple, and women were complex…pffft. That set me up for a lot of heartache.

I’ve come to accept their complexities. Their “hot and all over you” and their “cold and quiet”. Not gonna try to figure it out. It belongs to them. My business is me and feeling as good as I can at all times.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:05am
244: Butterfly wings says:

Turquoise, I suppose the closure is on the talk. I know it’s going to happen, so right now I’m just waiting. Once we’ve talked then that’s my “closure” regardless of what comes out of it.

I’ve got a whole big list of things that will need to happen if he wants our relationship to continue and I’m pretty sure he won’t like most of them.

So I do still believe it’s over with us, but you just never know… I will miss the good times…!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:11am
245: MissStix says:

PS I have discovered I get much less of the cold and quiet when I focus on just being me, and feeling good. It’s like Rori says. It keeps men coming twards you! Like who IS this girl?

G actually asks me that all the time lol ” who are you?” or “Where did I find you again??”

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:11am
246: MissStix says:

BW

Stay true to what you want, need and feel. I know you will! We are behind you!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:15am
247: Linda says:

Ruth. I work such an early shift sometimes I feel like I am the only person awake. Half my work day is done when most people come in to work. I love having my hour because I get off at 2:15. I often say “me and the plumbers are the only ones on the road” when I am traveling to work.

Starbright: Its really really really a bad choice to choose to be with a man that does not CHOOSE you. He is there with you but not Really With YOU!….I have been there and done that. I Dont think words here will every do justice to how realllllly bad it feels. All the time! I even had to figure out new things to do to cope with feeling like that. I am still deprograming my brain and heart from that relationships affects in me. Have you ever heard this? (btw it is in the bible)…” you were neither hot nor cold but lukewarm and I spit you out of my mouth”…. Truer words have never been spoken. Rejection for me is easier to take than Ambivilence They both hurt but the later makes me feel ewwwh ! It just feels like being slimed to me.

Do yourself a grand favor and Choose Yourself. Wait for the man that is dying to choose you. I am! It feels so much better to be alone than with some one who doesnt really care. I will never do that to myself again!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:18am
248: Femininewoman says:

Wow BW. Just reading “I’ve got a whole big list of things that will need to happen” feels overwhelming. Maybe he will feel like he has no control? Especially if he is on the receiving end of emotional outbursts.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:18am
249: MissStix says:

Radlove

I feel excitement and anticipation for you for your date!

My hope for you is to have a beautiful and wonderful time and to be in present in the moment!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:20am
250: MissStix says:

Turquoise

I felt a lot of power in your comment (221). I can see clearly that you are in control. I felt a lot of inner conflict as well, but your power and control came accross so much stronger than the conflict. Your magnetism is showing

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:28am
251: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel sad and scared again.
This feels like a recurring nightmare.
I feel ignored, and I feel guilty because i feel like I ignore, so i deserve to be ignored.

I feel like I’m being used.
I feel like I’m being punished.
I feel unloved.
I feel invisible.

I don’t know why I feel this way, and it feels frustrating!
I feel angry!
I feel like I deserve more than this!

I want to be held RIGHT NOW and I feel angry and sad because I know no one is going to hold me.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:38am
252: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel misunderstood.
I feel like my emotional needs are not being met, that they’ve never been met and that makes me feel angry.
I’m crying and that makes me feel angry.
I shouldn’t have to cry.
I shouldn’t have to feel this.
I don’t deserve this pain.
I didn’t do anything wrong.

I hurt so bad.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:40am
253: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel embarassed about my emotional needs not being met. because I do things like blog and comment annonymously on blogs, because I’m a coward.

and now I feel guilty for calling myself a coward.
I feel terrible.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:42am
254: MissStix says:

ok all one comment from now on lol You ladies say so much and speak to my heart

Tam

Hugs and love to you! My hope for you is to feel strength today.

Becki

Phewf…What a story! I want to tell you to let go of your guilt and shame and embrace your story! Forgive yourself. We are all human. We were all young once.

I can’t help much with advising you which programs you may need. You have a lot of soul searching coming your way. A lot of learning and growing.

I believe you have come to the right place! If you keep yourself moving forward you will get through this time and come out the other end a powerful creature! We are here to support you! Hugs!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:43am
255: Iamabutterfly says:

how are you supposed to meet your own emtional needs?

I feel sick and unworthy and wretched.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:43am
256: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel stupid for mis-spelling things.

I don’t even know how to spell “misspell”

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:45am
257: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel insane. because the defintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results.

I feel so angry and sad and absolutely desperate for understanding and compassion.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:47am
258: Iamabutterfly says:

sometimes I feel so sane on here. Like I make sense and have something to contribute.

other times, I feel like a total nut job who is completely losing it.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:48am
259: ruth says:

(((((((((((lamabutterfly)))))))

One minute at a time

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:49am
260: April Rose says:

(((((Iamabutterfly)))))))

Can you forgive yourself, your inner boy, your little girl?
You have done nothing wrong.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:49am
261: Iamabutterfly says:

why do i have to be in the middle of things? I always feel like the almost-girlfriend who the men still have feelings for when they get REAL girlfriends and then I feel like this evil temptress who they look at with a mix of attraction and guilt and pity BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS ALONE AND I AM SO !@#$!@#$ TIRED OF BEING ALONE!!!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:52am
262: Iamabutterfly says:

My comment went into moderation and that makes me feel really guilty and embarassed.

I feel pressure to be a good example to others and I’m not, I’m a mess, and I don’t know who would want to follow my example…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:53am
263: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel such rage and I don’t know why it’s coming up now and I feel hatred for my ignorance. COMPLETE AND TOTAL HATRED.

I want my Mom. but I feel like she doesn’t love me and she wouldn’t understand but I know that’s not true and I feel guilty for even thinking that…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:56am
264: Iamabutterfly says:

@258 Ruth – that felt so soothing. thanks. it’s not out of me yet though…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:59am
265: Tam says:

Thank you Ruth, FW and P-lala.
Just got back from my little job.
And saw all these pics running down my fb wall of MrU, my friend and his new gf partying and boating (2 days in a row, we never did that)…and I just thought: oh nooo…and all of them commenting on fb including MrU, and I was feeling so resistant to it all, like ‘so he is friends with them, and people he hardly knows and not me)…and I felt angry, sad and a whole host of emotions.
And then I sank into my emotions. And I decided to do two things. Because I can’t feel any more sad and downtrodden, I am so low it’s the bottom.
So I decided to feel happy for my friend who has a new gf (who is now also MrU’s fb friend..), and I sent him a message saying that I am so happy for him (he has a bad time with another girl before), and that the girl looks lovely and pretty (she does). Normally I’d never have done that but actually, the positivity of it made me feel a little better.
And then I decided to ‘like’ a few pictures…and I decided to put one or two comments, nice ones. And the girl, whom I don’t even know, commented nicely to me also. And that made me feel good too.
Just a little.
I am fed up with being sad and angry and sad. I want to be happy again.
Babysteps. I don’t want to close my eyes of what is the reality even if it triggers me.
Pfff.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:00am
266: Iamabutterfly says:

@259 April Rose – I don’t understand! Why should I have to forgive myself if I’ve done nothing wrong???

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:00am
267: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel exhausted and somewhat relieved but part of me still feels like I need to have a good long angry sob…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:03am
268: ruth says:

then sob lama

Let it out

You are exhausted too, and that will not be helping
((((((((())))))))))

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:06am
269: Linda says:

I feel that my life and attitude has made a shift. It is not complete by any means but I have made progress. I feel lighter, and dare I say happy at times.

I feel curious and concern about maintaining this. I know me. I know feeling positive and our outlooks on life are a choice… and it affects our vibe etc.

I see that lots write about attracting what we want in our lives. I feel so ready for that. It just feels like it lots of work some days. I have never thought of myself as “miss suzy sunshine”…. Some days I feel I am going on my own steam and I am running dry. I do lots of things that make me happy, but honestly they are a diversion. I would love nothing more than to “know my man” right now! Part of me feels impatient and foot stomping. Part of me feels disapproving of that and feel like a negative voice playing telling me I will be alone for the rest of my life. This probably convolutes my vibe for sure.

I dont want to be alone for a long time. That feels so despressing and disheartening to me. Part of me feels like I will dry up and blow away… or become mean and hateful and sour!….

I can be busy and happy doing my thing, being me, I know though that I wil not be content in that alone. I want a man in my life too I need to feel his energy coming toward me, energizing the things that feel like so much work to me right now.

How is the good path I am on continue flowing? You know they say “the heart wants what the heart wants” There is no contentment without that for me.

How do some of you sirens do that…keep yourselfs going and positive and happy all the time? I feel I will fail and dont want more of the same in my life.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:06am
270: ruth says:

Yes Tam, when you are at rock bottom the only way is up

and that in itself is a posttive thing

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:07am
271: Healing Waterfall says:

((((((BW)))))))

((((((((Tam)))))))))))))))))))

Hi MissStix thanks for your uplifting posts…

Last night I CDed myself and took myself to the most beautiful beach. I stayed until the moon came up and it felt SO soothing hearing the waves lick the shore rythmyically and the moon looked orange when it came up and so full, i felt its presence so strongly in my heart. I drove home and couldn’t stand to go in the house so I drove to a field and just watched the clouds go over the moon for a half hour and felt kinship with the moon, It felt so nourishing, it opened up my channels and I received messages about trusting the love that is here in the universe and going for feeling good, everyday….

((((((iamabutterfly)))))))))))
i have felt that way in the mornings many times. I know just how you feel.

The sun is coming out, so I feel compelled to go back to the beach and work there on my grading…..

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:10am
272: ruth says:

Linda do you CD

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:11am
273: Iamabutterfly says:

I wish I had a better relationship with my older sister. I would love to talk to her about this stuff, but she hates talking about this kind of stuff, she hides how she feels with pretty much everyone.

how is she happily married? is she just open and feeling with her husband?

I feel jealous of her…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:12am
274: Iamabutterfly says:

((((((((ruth)))))))))))

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:14am
275: ruth says:

271 lama-how do you know she is happily married?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:14am
276: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel so scared of having kids before all of my crap is healed. I remember what it was like, seeing my mom go through this, and not understanding, and feeling guilty…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:15am
277: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel angry because I feel like my Mom lied to me instead of giving me advice because she didn’t want me to be in love or get married so that we would always “need” each other.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:18am
278: ruth says:

274

Phew, that triggered me a bit

Ive never had kids-and maybe it wasnt just because of my career

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:18am
279: Iamabutterfly says:

@274 ruth – I don’t really know. I love my brother-in-law though. He is really romantic and sweet to my sister.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:19am
280: Iamabutterfly says:

@277 ruth – I’m sorry I triggered you. I feel very mothered by you right now though, and it feels wonderful, even though its not the same with this being the internet and all…

you are sweet and wonderful.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:24am
281: Butterfly Wings says:

Ha! TH came upstairs to get a drink a few minutes ago. I’d turned off all the lights and was trying to sleep, but thanks to this cold, all I’m doing is coughing.

Next minute he turns my bedroom light on and brings me a cup of tea, saying it will help me sleep.

That was really sweet of him and very surprising!

It feels good to be looked after!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:26am
282: Linda says:

Yes Ruth I CD. I am online… no bites for a while. I have no men in my rotation or prospects in my sites.

I dont seem to be attracting anything just blank space.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:26am
283: ruth says:

278
good grief, no need to apologize Lama

Im fine

It was an interesting little blip, thats all

Im quite happy with no kids—but perhaps my reasons for not wanting were because I hadnt healed stuff

And I hadnt
Just never thought of it like that

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:27am
284: Radlove says:

April Rose,

239 – His email address is BJ, and altho I don’t exactly like the reference there, it helps me to remember how to refer to him without actually giving his real name.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:27am
285: Becki says:

Thank you Ruth. Probably I should have asked how I can be more enticing to VP or what I can do for me do that other people would notice and maybe help VP to see I may be worth looking past my relationship baggage.

It was UD suggestion that if my heart is no longer with him that one of us should move out. To put him off as long as possible I have told him I don’t know what I want.

UD has 2 grown children and they have cost me a lot of grief over the years. One is trying to move back in and has major mental issues (bi polar which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but he is drug and alcohol dependent which is a HUGE problem in a manic depressive)

I have a soon to be 11 yr old that can’t be subjected to that. UD has not told him no which I’ve said is the only answer. He’s just told him “we’ll see”.

His 20 yr old daughter still lives there and does nothing but sit on the couch all day. She washes dishes and occasionally sweeps the floor. I’m not allowed to delegate more chores, take away any priveleges and soon I’m going to be expected to be her taxi cab and bus her back and forth to school and a job when she gets one.

I’ve been through HELL with this man and stuck by him for our daughters sake but he is much too hard on her and she cries nearly every day asking me to please break up with him. She is truly miserable as well and I am now at a place where I have the courage to leave, and no guilt about splitting her dad and I up.

I now see staying is very unhealthy to her and she’s at an impressionable age and I don’t want her to think what I deal with in a relationship is ever ok

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:28am
286: Radlove says:

Sia,

904 from the “Affirmations” thread – “Glad you feel good about what I wrote, Radlove
To face politeness instead of a gentle ‘no’ at junctures frustrates me in a deep way.. I sympathize so so much.

I dont know R, but from what you write it seems to me you are winning all there is to win. He seems such an entrenched dreamer. Enjoys dreaming and philosophising about perfect love/woman more than he would enjoy everyday life with a real woman, even if she were super sireny.
Which is OK.

I hope, cause I feel very often the same with men.”

Sia, I appreciate everything you say here, thanks.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:29am
287: ruth says:

Linda, ah, I see then why you feel like this

the on line dating thing seems to be very variable
i hope some nice men come along for you soon

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:30am
288: Iamabutterfly says:

@270 Healing Waterfall – thanks so much for helping me feel not alone, not like a crazy person.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:31am
289: Femininewoman says:

Hi ““miss suzy sunshine”. I felt giggly reading that. I can embrace being ““miss suzy sunshine””, even for a short while

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:33am
290: Healing Waterfall says:

Iama
no you are not alone, your little girl needs your lovin, is there something special you could do with her today?

you can heal this……

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:34am
291: Radlove says:

MissStix,

248 – Thank you! I feel excited! And I have a second CD, Scuba, who also sounds very promising! I’m actually finding quality men!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:35am
292: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel tired and my heart feels ouchy.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:36am
293: Radlove says:

Turquoise and Ruth,

Thank you!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:36am
294: Radlove says:

Here’s what I’ve concluded about R. I was so deeply wounded in 2009, that there is a piece in me which is still broken and confused. I just can’t see it objectively and clearly.

I know the best thing for me is to get him out of my life. But that remains a very very difficult thing. I think it will be easy if one of these CDs turns out to be a keeper!

But after all these years of being alone for the most part, I am just going crazy with no companionship. I will feel so much more able to function if I feel the joy of companionship. I just can’t be alone anymore.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:40am
295: Femininewoman says:

Becki I feel sympathy for your situation but honesty is always the best way to deal with men. I can’t imagine doing all that for my kids when they get to 20 years old but telling him no about them would only be triggering his resistance button. I would lean towards saying what I don’t want in my life if I was in that situation. Seems like a very tough one to navigate.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:40am
296: ruth says:

Becki, well,Id focus your attentions on getting on out of thre and taking good care of you and your daughter
VP, surely is secondary to all that for now

he will stick around if he is worth it

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:41am
297: ruth says:

Radlove, you will have to share which site you are on
It seems to ne a good one!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:43am
298: Femininewoman says:

Healing Waterfall I love your beautiful poetry

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:43am
299: Iamabutterfly says:

my so-called friend invited me to hang out with our friends tonight, and I’m pretty sure Jack CD is going to be there.

and so-called friend and Jack CD are like magnetically attracted to each other.

I don’t know why I can see it with them, and see a relationship happening with them,

when I can’t see it as well with me and Jack CD, even though he sometimes pays me a lot more attention than her.

sometimes it even feels like he trying to show me that he is choosing me over her.

but I’m never sure. its just something I vaguely feel.

but then I feel angry because I’m like “if she’s such a temptation, then what’s the point?”

and I feel so weird about it, because she and I look a lot a like, and respond a lot a like, we just have some slight differences.

I would say I’m more outgoing.
I would say I’m also more scared of relationship, but I can’t know that for sure.

the one guy she’s ever been in love with is still very much in her life.

my one guy got married, and we no longer speak.

She’s more book-smart.
I’m maybe a little more emotionally along, but it’s just because I’m older.

and I hate comparing the two of us like this.
because I love her
and I love me too, I do.

I don’t know what I want.

I think a huge part of me wants Jack CD to get to know her as well as he knows me, and then to just…choose me.

I long to feel chosen by someone who has options.

Jack CD knows I have options.
Maybe he longs to feel chosen by me.

I feel so triggered by the email I got from Rori talking about Imaginary Relationship.

I am in an Imaginary Relationship with Jack CD.
We are friends, and this is painful and possibly pointless.

and while I would love to “get out there and CD”
I feel too broken.

The last real date I feel like I went on was in February. and I used feeling messages, and cried there right in front of this guy I barely knew about really deep things that I feel like are a little too personal to talk about on a first date.

but I was just trying to be authentic.
and I felt tired and sad.
and truthfully I didn’t want to be sitting there in the car with him.
and I figured “why not just tell the truth?”
of course, I didn’t tell him “the truth” that I didn’t want to be sitting there in the car with him.

that would be so mean.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:50am
300: Memulo says:

He called me yesterday but didn’t leave a message. I did not communicate back. Perhaps I shou

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:54am
301: Memulo says:

He called me yesterday morning but didn’t leave a message. I did not communicate back. Perhaps I should call him today?.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:54am
302: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel like I attract divorced people. Which makes no sense to me, since I have never been married. How could divorced people and I have a connection?

but we do.

and I feel angry at them, because their relationships were not “imaginary.” They had “real” relationships and had “real” wedding rings and even “real” children to prove that they used to be in love.

I have no proof.
I feel disbelieved by everyone and that makes me feel so angry.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:55am
303: Femininewoman says:

Perhaps you should Memulo. But a siren who is busy with her life experiencing good self-esteem wouldn’t. It could have been a pocket dial.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:56am
304: Becki says:

Femininewoman,
I did try the “I don’t think it’s a good idea” and gave very good reasons why although back then I knew nothing about feeling messages. Told him I am a nurse and if we ever got caught with drugs in our home I would lose my license and worse lose my daughter. He let him move anyways.

He drank a lot and brought drugs in (after UD said he wouldn’t) he had a bag he put in my car before I was going to take him to see a friend. I looked through the bag and found a pot pipe and weed. Was livid to say the least.

Told UD and didn’t even sink in to him that had I got pulled over, it was MY car that would get impounded and me who would have gone to jail (and my daughter would have been in the car as well)

I do not want to go through that again. Worse, he is a cutter and I never want my daughter to EVER see such an episode.

He has been given an ultimatum which I fully intend on following up on. Son comes, we go. I just worry son will come before I have the means to go

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:00am
305: Iamabutterfly says:

I take it back. I met the sweetest guy in the world who was in this band that broke up a few months ago, but I got to hear them before they broke up.

and I heard them on their CD before I heard them live.

so I checked them out on their website.
and I found this song of theirs that I love, that talks about a severed two year relationship.
and I talked to them online and told them that I loved that particular song.
and so the band member who wrote it friended me on facebook after that.
and I have lyrics on my facebook about “my big heartache”

and then i got to meet the band member. and he is so gorgeous and sweet and he laughs at like every single thing I say.

but he lives far away, and recently got a girlfriend and looks so stinking happy in his pictures that it honestly makes me feel happy and hopeful.

and I feel like he “believes” me and is routing for me.

of course, he doesn’t know that I wasn’t in “an actual relationship” with someone that I never called my boyfriend.

it doesn’t matter that it was the most real thing in the world to me.

it was !@#$ imaginary.

I feel REALLY triggered by the term “Imaginary Relationship.”

I do believe in them.
I see beautiful women on here who are clearly in them.

but I feel angry being told that those are the only kinds of relationships I’ve been in…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:06am
306: Femininewoman says:

Becki:-I did try the “I don’t think it’s a good idea” – is very masculine and suggesting his thinking is flawed.

“Told him I am a nurse and if we ever got caught with drugs in our home I would lose my license and worse lose my daughter” – suggests you are smart and he isn’t. Also that you are the protector and he has no say in HIS daughter’s life.

” Was livid to say the least” – how did you express this.

“He has been given an ultimatum” – these never work.

I encourage you to look at how the “my daughter” might feel to him. Also I am wondering if you earn more than him because of the reference to “my car”.

The comments suggest to me that you are not “choosing relationship” here. Are you?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:07am
307: Femininewoman says:

“The trick to not letting “hurt” from the past get to you NOW – is to realize that YOU are in control of so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Remember – YOU were THERE! You did things, and said things, and tolerated things. You were THERE. That means…

You DON’T HAVE TO BE THERE!

This means you can CHOOSE to be there or not when you don’t feel good about what’s going on.

You can choose to stay quiet and accept poor treatment and no love, or you can choose to Speak your Truth. You can choose to practice being brave – not by arguing, but by doing what feels GOOD. Not what feels like “revenge” – or “getting it off your chest” – but by telling the Truth. Sharing what you feel – no matter how angry it is – in a way that OWNS your feelings, rather than making HIM responsible for them.

In order to be hurt – you have to be there.”

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:25am
308: April Rose says:

Iamabutterfly,
Every few minutes (when I remember) I turn towards the parts of my mind that are making me feel bad. I try to forgive them. I intend to lift the pressure off my soul.

My soul is innocent. It has done nothing wrong. It is attracting bad judgement, hatred, pressure, anger etc. out of habit. This is what it found when it came to Earth. I want to heal this.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:25am
309: Tam says:

I don’t know if it really is time for the no friends speech. The month of experimenting is over this weekend, there has been no contact for almost 2 weeks and the unresolvedness is killing me.
The fact that I do get triggered time and time again, and it will get worse when I start to see pics of him and women (so far none but they will come), just tells me that ‘staying friends’ isn’t possible.
And must I wait for this until he gets in contact again?
I kind of want a clean break. I can’t go on waiting to hear from him or waiting to get triggered by something.
I really am lost now, as to what to do.
Doing nothing feels like the easy and the wrong option.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:27am
310: Memulo says:

Haha thank you FW;)

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:30am
311: Annie says:

Becki, are you in uk?
Why would you go?
Isn’t it your house aswell?
If you are in uk and you are married with a young child you don’t have to go anywhere.
It’s him who would have to go find somewhere else to live and take son with him not you.

If you don’t want drugs in your house and don’t want to put yourself or daughter in that situation you don’t want it.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:32am
312: Femininewoman says:

Tam what do you want to do?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:33am
313: bloom-ing says:

overall sense of urgency, i can drop it

i enjoy slow, easy, flowing movements

yum i like frantic jolting too like lightning

lightning dance, thunder rumble…. rain….

tummy tight tingling energy not bad i can get things done fast – like a swimmer on the block before a race

or, turn on my back, stare at the ceiling, watch the water patterns reflect the light & shimmer vaguely like overlapping jellyfish, no hurry

i’m strong & light & peaceful, & taken-in

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:34am
314: bloom-ing says:

april rose, yummy : ) thanks for sharing that!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:37am
315: Tam says:

If I wasn’t so hung up, I could stick it out for 8 weeks, and get back and see what happens. I know that would be my best bet and just keeping quiet.
But what would happen, the same thing again and again? Who’s to say.

But it feels like pretending, like pretending all is well when nothing feels well. When I feel like I am being ripped apart.

If I say no to friends all is clear. And then all will be clear also in 8 weeks. And if he stays away everything will be clearer even. I just want clarity…or do I?

I feel so confused. And I am supposed to go on a date tomorrow and it’s one of these insecure guys, the one who when I don’t write back to him within minutes will send a follow up text saying’busy, I guess???’…and I just can’t bear to meet up with this guy tomorrow. And spend a whole day making him feel good about himself…he is ‘fragile’. I am fragile too, and I am the girl!! I am the girl!!
I feel so lost.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:37am
316: Annie says:

Tam if you initiate you are leaning forward and chasing.
Masculine energy.

Do you want to be in masculine or feminine energy.

If you don’t want to be his friend and he isn’t contacting you the friendship will just evaporate anyway.No closure needed.

If he contacts and you do not want the friendship have you your no friends speech ready?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:38am
317: MissStix says:

Gonna try this from the computer instead of the iphone…

Fingers crossed! c’mon comment, show up lol

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:43am
318: MissStix says:

YES!

Victory is mine!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:44am
319: Femininewoman says:

“I want you to ALWAYS feel SAFE with yourself – and the need to answer back is our training in “politeness” and has to do with our need for ‘closure.”

I want you to STOP looking for Closure and simply walk away when it doesn’t feel good.

However, many decent guys who are simply “clueless” have very “low-class” tastes and language – and THAT can be fixed. Anyone can change that about themselves, along with quitting all kinds of icky habits – if they WANT to. That’s where your work comes in.

Either a man shifts when you shift to loving yourself and stopping servicing him and every man who shows up – even with “politeness” – or he doesn’t.

There is no need for any EFFORT on your part.”

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:46am
320: Tam says:

310 FW, I don’t know, I feel confused. I want this to stop and I want my feelings to go away. I want to not care. I want to be able to not care and be friends and have zero romantic feelings – but it’s just not going to happen, is it?!

314 Annie, I can set my calendar/clock or whatever that he will contact me within the next 8 days, unless I am totally deluded, that has been the pattern. The problem is with the ‘no friends speech’ that he won’t have it. He goes mad and calls, texts, emails, because he thinks I am feeling low (which yes, it is the case) and he is worried about me. So he would never accept not being friends because as far as he is concerned, it’s impossible because we have been so close. When I have previously said I did not want to be friend he either bugged me until I gave in (he was truly worried about me), or he respected it – and came back after 2-3 months because he ‘forgot’ the deal or tried to start a relationship with me.

And to make the mess worse, I spent 2 years trying to convince myself that he has issues (which he has), but I have the same ones!!! And I convinced myself that he was ‘bad for me’ when it was me who was bad for me.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:46am
321: P-lala says:

Iamabutterfly -
At 48, I too have come to the understanding that I have only ever had imaginary relationships…even though I have been married twice and have a child.
After coming to that realization, I felt so alone and so ashamed that I had fallen/stumbled into these relationships and I called them love, but they were actually obsesion, ambivalence…even contempt. I was too broken to see that not only was I not loved, but I, too, did not love. How painful!

I feel so tender toward your pain and want embrace you and let you know that love is possible…I know it now. Rori, the tools and the women here have helped me to heal the parts of myself that accepted less-than-love and shown me how to become myself. Until I became myself, I could not be loved because I did not allow myself to exist.

Today, the world of love has awoken in response to my open heart…which blooms wider every day. I see it happening in you, too.

I believe in love for you and with you. You are lovely.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:57am
322: Tam says:

it feels like whatever I do is not satisfactory for me. Doing nothing is like silently inviting him, saying no to friends is like egging him on to ‘try harder’.
It’s a no win situation for me, and I just want to walk the least painful and best path for me…and I can’t see it.

it’s not about finding closure, it’s about finding my inner peace. I don’t seem to be able to do it.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:59am
323: Tam says:

(((P-lala))

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:00am
324: MissStix says:

Ok I don’t know if this comment will show up or not but I’m off to the beach!

Thank you waterfall for the inspiration to take myself out!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:03am
325: Healing Waterfall says:

thanks FW for commenting on my poetry
i feel touched and happy that you liked it
((((((FW))))))

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:05am
326: bloom-ing says:

miss stix, sometimes when i get a failed post attempt, i can go “back” in my browser & recover the text, so i can copy-paste it into an email for myself…. or wait a bit & try to post again. hope that helps : )) sometimes i can even go back & back & back to recover multiple failed entries ! : )

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:10am
327: bloom-ing says:

healing waterfall, your outdoor adventures sound lovely, peaceful, & freeing : ) thanks for sharing your inspiration!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:15am
328: bloom-ing says:

i’ve been being a freaking ball of sunshine in my home this week & now i find myself getting “annoyed” at every single time i see cd’s face not-smiling…. peace, i allow him to have his full range of human emotions wow i did not expect to feel that so strongly, i really love him & because i love him, i really really want him to feel good & safe having any mood around me & i intend to release myself from any “questioning” around what “i did” to “create” a mood in him… i don’t control his feelings, i’m not responsible for his feelings, i support & love him in his feelings. very good. yum

got home & had a lovely evening. excited to go home tonight : ) mittens the kitten ! i call him mittens he’s so sweet but that’s not his name. when i call his name, he’ll come, but not to cuddle. he just wants food. the dog comes too when i call mittens but she just is jealous of the cat & wants everything the cat gets : ) i pet them both at once & i get mad that cd wants to pet them “by turns” pet them both at once so they see there is enough love for everyone ! oh well not my hands, i make double love with my hands i’m a conjuring wxtch : ) i do good work safely no chemicals lol…. hmmm my mind like a ball of yarn, i can unwind it….

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:21am
329: Iamabutterfly says:

((((P-lala))))) Thank you for your insight. I feel confused and don’t understand how your marriages could be considered “Imaginary.” Maybe the real you wasn’t fully “there” inside them, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t real!

I feel confused but relieved and comforted too.

I ate lunch and took a nap.
amazing the relief that provides!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:25am
330: Iamabutterfly says:

I need to get off of here and focus on something else. Thanks for letting me spam the blog, and for your encouraging words, everyone!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:27am
331: P-lala says:

Thanks for the hugs, sirens

iamabutterfly – yes, I believe it was imaginary because neither of us were actually ‘in it.’ We were both pretending and unconscious, but called it a relationship…there was no relating.

I’m going to follow your cue and get off the blog for now…I’m not working today and it would feel good to be productive and get somethings cleaned up around the house.

Blessed day to all the sirens!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:37am
332: Becki says:

Femininewoman

The story is so long…except for the ultimatum the masculine way I responded was almost 2 years ago. Before things changed. I changed before I found this website. Never really understood why things seemed to change to my benefit by this way until I came here

I got fed up and instead of standing my ground and fighting tooth and nail, I gave up (not in).
I quit complaining and focused all my energy on me. Quit folding his underwear (oddly enough this action was the reason he knew something was different with me)

I do a lot wrong but I’ve realized I lean back, WAY back and he’s trying to help me where I begged and pleaded for years to deaf ears. In fact I don’t just lean back, I gave up and closed up nearly completely.
He responds by giving more but he’s done me so wrong for so long that I’m over the whole relationship.

Since I quit fighting for me and begging and pleading for help and fairness and a place at being an equal partner he has finally gotten to the point where he’s stopped hurting me with his hands (but still uses abusive words)

He makes more but the car is mine because I pay the loan. We also have a truck that’s in my name but I call that his and when I leave I’ll sign it over to him. The house is in our name, but I don’t want it either and he knows this

Guilty as charged on the “my daughter” stuff but he let’s me know how the other 2 are HIS and I have no power over them or control. Guess its my way of letting him know you may control how I can react to yours but mine is my flesh and blood and you cannot control how I choose to raise her.

Petty and selfish I know but my thinking was always “how does it feel to be powerless like me”

I’m choosing to no longer be in this toxic relationship because it’s far too painful and loveless

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:37am
333: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel scared to hang out with my friends tonight, and scared not to…

I don’t know what to do and that feels shaky and uncertain and pathedic if I end up spending the night alone at home. There are only so many Friday nights in a lifetime…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:38am
334: Becki says:

Annie
I’m in the U.S.
The house is ours and he has offered to leave and let me have it but I never wanted it in the first place. He chose it and I hate it. Was one of those control issues. It suited his needs so he bought it.
Was forced on me as I was neieve and the man we bought it from said I HAD to sign for it since we were married and it would be legally mine as well anyways

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:42am
335: Becki says:

FW, that hit home for me

“In order to be hurt – you have to be there”

I feel that, thank you

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:50am
336: T-Girl says:

221 Turq,

About the playing games, I do feel that men equate women with playing games. I heard that quite a bit in my early days with J.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:24am
337: T-Girl says:

Radlove,

I’m still catching up on posts but I just saw that you have a date planned. I’m so excited for you! I can’t wait to hear how it goes.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:26am
338: T-Girl says:

BW, to me it is so strange that a FB status is such a key factor to him in your relationship. I like Facebook, but it has no place in a relationship.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:30am
339: April Rose says:

I feel frightened of my own mind.

It tells me this man is good.

Next thing it tells me that he is scarey controlling and to run from him.

How can I trust my mind?

I fear my mind is not to be trusted.

When Rori says “Trust yourself” what part of yourself does she mean?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:40am
340: T-Girl says:

I love how J is stepping up in a fatherly role to my daughter. She starts high school next week, so last night we had a family meeting about grades, chores and her allowance, all initiated by him. Then he told us that he doesn’t say it enough but he is really glad that we are there (meaning living there).

In other news, a few weeks ago I mentioned that the guy that brought me to this website e-mailed me and said that he should have jumped on the chance to be with me (it was over 1.5 yrs ago). This morning I logged into my IM and saw that he tried to contact me two other times since – the latest was last Monday. It just really surprised me since I told him I am in a fantastic relationship for over a year now. I remember being head over heals for him and now I am so grateful we are not together.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:41am
341: April Rose says:

I trust my heart.

Its priority – taking care of me.

No need to run from men. Stand firm and feel my feelings. Scarey ones and all.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:41am
342: T-Girl says:

337 April Rose,

I hear you about the trusting yourself. How are we to know? I remember feeling the same way when J and I got together, my mind was telling me that this man was different then all the other men I dated. But I jumped in feet first and followed my intuition. And then I found that J’s actions met his words. That is when I knew I made the right decision.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:44am
343: Tam says:

I don’t trust my heart anymore, that’s the big problem.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:46am
344: Linda says:

I still dont know how to maintain my shift?

I feel my masculine energy rarring up inside me. Wanting to plan, fix, do. I Hate week-ends with no plans. That is something I can remember since I was a little little girl.. OMG…. I just had a flash back. My dad sitting in the chair, with a open beer on the floor, watching TV mindlessly. HeeHaw was not my idea of a way to spend a Saturday night!… We never did anything together on the week ends. Now my life feels like this again!… I would hate it when the bell rang and was time to go home on Friday. I remember the sinking feeling, bordom.

My life FEELs like this again ! I like to have things planned and things to do. I might go crazy!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:48am
345: Femininewoman says:

Tam

Confusion often is simply RESISTANCE to what your real feelings are. As though your head and all your old patterns are trying to make something work that doesn’t actually feel good. Sometimes you just have to experiment to see who you really are and what you really want and like, and what really feels good to you.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/how-to-manage-the-men-who-show-up/

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:51am
346: April Rose says:

I long for light butterfly fairy magic feelings, all pressures evaporated… teaparty summer’s afternoon lazy and fun…
Bloom-ing, I love to read your posts and I feel happy that you give yourself the freedom of lightness, and play with pets and look at ceiling shimmers…
aagh…that feels like holidays when I was a little child..wearing a happy little flowered bikini….my hands full of sand and pink shells…

Now it feels spoiled by a dark grey wispy shadow which hangs about near and above me, always reminding me of Time…or Duty… or generally presenting an unease…it knows no butterflies, no fairy under a spotted mushroom. It is the bad fairy, the thirteenth one, the hag who pricked the princess’s finger and made her sleep for a hundred years…
hello sweet hag, I say. She laughs and lays her rotten thumb on my back until I’m thinking of how unworthy I am of rainbow-coloured teapots or kicking through leaves without purpose.

I’m wondering how to distract her, so I can put my bikini on and have a holiday again…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:54am
347: Femininewoman says:

(((((((Becki))))))))))))))

Power Struggles. Please be aware that your daughter is learning from the dynamics.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:54am
348: Femininewoman says:

T-Girl I am not surprised. Now you are even more attractive to him.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:55am
349: Rori Raye says:

Iamabutterfly – whatever this pattern is of yours – it has NOTHING to do with the men. YOU are at the center of all of this. You have some personal work to do to unravel all of this and turn it around as quickly as you want…yes…want – because it’s your determination to get out of this anger and blaming of yourself and them and getting into an attitude and mindset that will CHANGE things for you. OWNING all of this is WAY different than blame and frustration and anger and regret. Please start with my ebook, then go from there. We’ll help you here. Love, Rori

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:56am
350: Radlove says:

How To Get Over Him – Step-by-Baby Step, by Rori Raye

Here’s a comment from Amy that speaks for all of us at one time or another:

“Rori, does it really work? I tried all the feel good factor for yourself stuff and yet I am still suffering from missing my ex who has not contacted me for one month since the break up. Accepting is really hard.”

Here’s my answer:

Amy – welcome, and here’s the deal:

We suffer.

And…so what?

Who said you had to “accept” – WHAT?

You’re broken up. He’s gone. That’s what IS.

Grieving and sadness and pain are feelings we feel.

The depth of those unhappy feelings has a lot to do with subconscious impulses and triggers that we don’t even know about.

The question to ask yourself is – am I going to let this sadness RUN ME?

Am I gong to have what I want no matter what’s going on now?

Can I accept what is and not fight it so I can keep living my life – no matter how BAD I feel?

There’s nothing that says you can’t go on hikes and to free art classes and meetup.com groups of all kinds and speed dating and have a coffee date every single night with a different man from Match.com…no matter HOW you’re feeling.

Giving up unhappiness is a spiritual journey.

We can talk about that if you like, and I touch on it in most of my programs.

It means getting your head and thoughts off of other people, off of your past or future, and planted firmly in the present – where you allow your senses, your body and your heart to take over. My ebook will help you with this – it’s the Listening at Level 2 Tool.

For now – try this:

1. The moment you catch yourself thinking of your ex – really CATCH YOURSELF.

Awareness is the major, crucial first step.

The faster you catch yourself, the faster we’ll get out of this stuck space.

2. Don’t do anything.

This means you want to CATCH your thoughts, your actions, what you do next.

I really mean that – don’t get to another thought in the same cycle you find yourself always going through without catching it.

Your job here is to find the pattern you normally follow.

If you start going to the next thought you always go to – blaming him, or blaming you, or thinking about an old conversation, or what you should have said, or…anything….CATCH YOURSELF AGAIN.

If you start doing something you always do (eating, drinking, smoking, partying…) – CATCH YOURSELF and try something ELSE! (Search the posts here for ‘Channeling” and you’ll find how to make a list to work with…)

We want to stop your spiraling downward.

3. Now – discover the FEELING your body and heart is feeling that’s behind the thinking and words and pictures going through your mind.

Zero in on your body – find where the tension is…and try to put a name to what you feel:

Anger. Fear. Guilt. Sadness. Hope. Despair. Grief.

See if you can discover OLD feelings getting tacked onto this experience – old grief, old fear, old assumptions about what will happen or why what happened happened.

4. Let the feeling your feeling be with you

If it’s a bunch of feelings, allow yourself to go from one to the other, and relax your body in small bits in the presence of each feeling.

If they stay in a chaotic clump – that’s okay, too. Just feel the whole sense of chaos.

You’ll likely need to get down on the floor to do this …you might not be able to stand up – and I don’t want you to try.

5. Allow the feelings to overtake you – and notice if fear is getting stronger – or – surprisingly – starting to FADE!!

Fear and pain is almost always about our fear of our fear. In other words, the most terrifying thing of all is US!

We’re terrified of the depth of terror and rage within us…and we’ll do almost ANYTHING to keep from feeling it.

Especially if we have some horrible past experiences that our egos rightfully want to keep us safe from feeling and from ever happening again.

But the way to keep those bad experiences from happening again is to let your feelings surface – not by digging into the past – but by digging into the PRESENT!

In other words – investigate yourself – NOW.

See if you can relax while you’re feeling.

See if you can ACCEPT your FEELINGS.

Don’t worry about trying to “forget” him. Just make the conscious decision to not focus on him on purpose.

Right now – he’s just an experience. If you can look at it as a learning experience (Alanis Morissette has an amazing song about that – I’ll find it and post it…) – you’ll get beyond it so much faster.

And forget about forgetting about it. Just let it be a part of you that’s important in the building and revealing of who you are.

Lovely thought, to me.

It’s all about you.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Friday, 27 August 2010 @ 1:53pm

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:01am
351: Radlove says:

Ruth,

297 – It is the dreaded craigslist! Rarely does it work so well for me! But I keep gravitating to it cuz I get the most responses…from real, local men. Plus Daria encouraged me to heal the belief that all men on CL want is sex. So I am giving it another shot.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:09am
352: April Rose says:

“…See if you can ACCEPT your FEELINGS…”

Oh boy. This is coming home to me now.

I woke up in a feeling-state of terror this morning.

I want to think it is about HIM, and that getting away from him will stop the terror.

I keep remembering to feel grateful. To him, and to my commitment to myself. Grateful that he showed up to bring up these feelings in me so I can face them.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:12am
353: Radlove says:

T-Girl,

337 – Thank you!!!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:17am
354: April Rose says:

I do feel afraid of him.

Afraid that he is some kind of devil. I don’t trust my judgement – I thought he was an angel in that he brought up so much of my buried feelings and fears.

I don’t trust myself to discern if he is dangerous and could harm me, or whether that is my own fear being amplified.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:17am
355: ReceivingGirl says:

Hi Sirens!

Had a minute before lunch ends.

(((lama))) (((Tam))) (((Becki))) (((Sirens)))

I’m feeling a bit blah today. Lunch isn’t sitting all that good in my tummy

Going to get a car wash and give myself a pedicure when I get home. Mr. Observant is supposed to come over after his dinner plans. I feel curious, he’s been really quiet today. No text, no call, no FB…hmmm. I hope he’s feeling ok.

Back to work!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:21am
356: Femininewoman says:

“because it’s your determination to get out of this anger and blaming of yourself and them and getting into an attitude and mindset that will CHANGE things for you. OWNING all of this is WAY different than blame and frustration and anger and regret.”

If only we could see that it is all about us. Bringing things back to ourselves and owning our stuff. It is our choice to heal. It is always a choice.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:22am
357: Iamabutterfly says:

@349 Rori – Thank you so much, Rori. I have your ebook and Modern Siren, as well as about 4 of the Interview with the Relationship expert discs.

I’ll read the ebook again.

I honestly feel like there’s still so much I don’t understand on a practical level, though.

Everything makes sense in theory, and the tools work, but I always feel like I get to this point…I’m always fine until I get to the point where it feels like a real relationship is JUST about to happen…and I completely freak out.

any negative feelings that I’ve managed to quiet down start screaming at me, and since I always feel like “I’ve come so far” THIS time and I’m “almost” normal, and “almost” capable of doing this, just never “completely” normal or “completely” capable of doing the relationship thing.

and I almost always feel like the guys either want to move way too fast, or then, when I finally feel like I’m ready, they never move fast enough.

and then I spiral down and feel fear and unworthiness again…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:23am
358: April Rose says:

I am learning in babysteps how to stand my ground.

He didn’t want me to go away for two weeks on meditation retreat. It felt nice to be so wanted by him, so I didn’t book my retreat.

Feeling wanted by a man is good until… it’s to the detriment of something so very important to me.

He’s very upset since I told him I wanted to go, and that I needed it to feed my soul.

I feel embarassed that I fell for this man and his magnetism. I feel strange that yesterday all I wanted to do was worship him.
Now it looks to me like devil worship.

Poor man has done nothing wrong. He is not a devil. It is my own darkness that gives me the terrors. Is it? How must I love my own dark nature if I don’t put it outside of me in the form of a man?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:25am
359: Tam says:

Thank you Fw, I will read that now. I have decided to do nothing and ride it out.
When he contacts I will re-think. It would be best if he disappeared completely.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:29am
360: Femininewoman says:

Oh Gosh Tam. That remind me of Rori’s article on closure that I read this morning. In it she suggested that it is almost like we want to step over his dead body. Or something similar.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:38am
361: Tam says:

Fw, thank you. That was a helpful article. I have decided to simply do nothing and ride out my feelings.
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, I am still confused, but I do not want to act and lean forward out of confusion. So far.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:43am
362: Femininewoman says:

“For now, let’s work a bit with the concept of “Leaning Back.” Here’s a basic tip on how to do it:

Notice how you’re sitting or standing when you’re with your man. Notice if your body is tilted forward or tilted backward. Notice if you’re leaning in to him, and he’s stretched out and leaning back – or if you’re leaning back and he’s sitting up and paying attention to you.
If he’s leaning forward, notice how it feels, and if you’re leaning back, notice how it feels. Notice what he’s doing. Now SWITCH. Change your body position. Lean forward or backward. Now – see what happens to your man. He will most likely AUTOMATICALLY shift his position to COUNTER you.
Now, whenever you feel like you’re working too hard, or want something from him he’s not offering, or feeling uncomfortable – notice that you’re probably leaning toward him and then SWITCH your body position to LEANING BACK.
This is an almost magical way to shift the entire dynamic of your relationship in a very simple, fast way.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:44am
363: April Rose says:

Sirens, does this description sound like a toxic man to anyone?

He can’t bear to be apart from me for more than a day or two.

He doesn’t want me to go away on meditation retreat.

I said it’s important to me. I need it to feed my soul. I asked him “What feeds your soul?” he said “You”.

I feel scared. That feels like ‘too much’. Surely I want a man who comes to me with his soul fed and full?
Not one who is wanting me to fill him?

Help, I feel so unsure and rocky underfoot…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:45am
364: Femininewoman says:

Nanceen says:
Yes it does work. Even if you do it on purpose. You can also just turn slightly but point your feet in the other direction. This is a good one and I noticed other men walking by staring at my feet when I was with my boyfriend (they get, she is with him but might stray? oh my!) Oh boy does it work. You just have to consciously keep yourself turned away and body parts pointed away. If you relax too much you start to drift back. Dont be tense though, just firm. When I visited my boyfriend before I got up he would go to his studio and start work. He wanted me to come over in awhile and I did. I hated sitting there feeling so self conscious and him saying nothing and me holding up the conversation. It was horrible. I did something different. I sat in a swivel chair, you know the kind you can twirl. I wore a dress and sat myself down, fluffed out my skirt, scooted over to a table with a book, picked it up and proceeded to read it and be absorbed. I turned away from him. He stared for awhile. I kept reading. He asked if i liked the book. I turned back a little, smiled a huge smile and said yes. Then I slowly, very slowy turned away in my chair and drifited back into my book. He rummaged around in the back and brought out some lovely dishes from a tag sale and offered them to me. I oohed and ahhed over them and then drifted back into my book. He was baffled. He began to whistle and play with my hair. Then he asked me if I was hungry and wanted something to eat and I said Oh yes,because I was hungry and we went out to eat. I never said more than five words. After lunch I said five magic words. “Thank you, that was great!” On the trip home I turned away and dreamed happy daydreams out the window. I tried to stay away from the fact he never said “I Love you.” I said nothing but monosyllables and kept my body AND feet pointed away. I daydreamed dreams that truly did lift me up, quoted bible scripture to myself. When he dropped me off in my yard, I just got my things and said lightly “goodbye” and proceeded to instpect my flowers with great interest. He came over and stood a few feet from me. I just glanced at him, smiled a little and said yes? He stared and stared his usual way of NEVER saying a word and poor me talking and talking and always being the one to come forward to hug goodbye. I did not move and struggled to stay in a nice daydream of enjoying the beautiful day. He mumbled “love you” and I melted and said “do you? I love you also.” I did not step forward. I just turned my palms up a little and my face and smiled. He awkwardly stepped in and hugged me goodbye. Progress not perfection is the goal here ladies. Also I am flirting with other men. It feels good. Doesnt last a long time but puts some pep in my step. Even if they are guys I would probably not get into a relationship with it feels really nice to let them caress me (visually and verablly) with their appreciation. Then I hightail it out of wherever i am (a store, the dry cleaners etc.) and plan not to go back for a few weeks. HEE HEE!!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:47am
365: NEW SIREN says:

Tam 322

I think if you make contact for the no friends speach it will put you back to square one. Initiating now might set you back, just my opinion tho.

((((Tam))))) ((((((Sirens)))))))

Happy Friday everyone:)

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:49am
366: NEW SIREN says:

Tam,

Also keep in mind if he is not contacting you he is not trying to be your friend so the speach might just perplex him.<3

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:51am
367: April Rose says:

I fear him because I think it is possible he may have the power to make me addicted to him.
(Note: this is just my thoughts, and yet the power of thoughts is what strikes terror into the heart)

Just look at me yesterday – all I wanted to do was to serve him and worship him with my body and soul. I was all-out surrendered.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:52am
368: Femininewoman says:

April Rose he sounds like a man who is emotionally engaged and emotionally available to you. I would just assume that is his “language”.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 11:57am
369: Femininewoman says:

April Rose it is my belief that when the feminine is in its true natural flow it draws the masculine like a fly to honey, like metal to magnet. The fear I believe is not necessary here as there is no need for defending. I would say experiment with conscious “turning your body, your feet” at an angle away from him while you are togeter and see what happens.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:01pm
370: Femininewoman says:

And the last thing on earth you want to do is go over there and – no matter HOW you express it to him, it will seem to him like this: You are begging, pleading, crawling on your hands and knees (even if you’re angry or even-tempered and reasonable it will look like this to him), humiliating yourself to him, trying to get him to “tell you” what you need to do and failed to do to get his love.

It will repel him. Wouldn’t that repel YOU? Yes, of course it would.

And the chances that it will make YOU feel powerless and embarrassed and undignified and awful are, to me, not worth the gamble that you might get something off your chest and reel relieved.

The absolute best thing you can do is AGREE with him!

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/dont-throw-yourself-at-his-feet/

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:08pm
371: MissStix says:

April rose

I feel connected to you right now.

I feel strange using feeling messages today. Just weird. I am going to shift into my head, and personality for this post. I hope you don’t mind

Omg In the earlier days of my realtionship with G I had the most intense urges to worship him! With my ex-husband physical touch was a big way for me to express my love. It got to the point where he would give me a look and I knew he wanted me to scratch/ rub his head, back, legs…I never recieved in return. Gosh that’s a painful part of my past…I’m digressing.

Losing those urges was difficult, and I still get them from time to time.

A super simple method I used was to only give into those urges when he had “worshipped” me first. Could be he told me “i love you” randomly, or played with my hair a bit, or kissed me for no reason. etc. Even then I would only do it for a short period of time. I would rub his back a little. Usually until he would say “that feels so good!”. Once those words were uttered I would say “oh thats good” or “I’m glad”, and continue for maybe another minute, Tops! Then stop. Kiss him. Move on.

It feels much healthier to me. I don’t want to show him affection in an overwhelming way. It was a very painful thing with my ex.

Hope my experiences help you! Hugs!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:17pm
372: Femininewoman says:

Rori Raye says:
Natural Goddess – Evan Mark Katz wrote an article about this – and I’m going to post some excerpts from it – where he says clearly that the only thing that matters about a man is whether or not he loves you unconditionally. And I would add – PERMANENTLY. A guy who’s fluttering around is just a boy toy, or someone to date, or someone to appreciate as a “muse” or to treat like you would a movie star you’ve got a crush on – just like in high school. You just don’t serve yourself by considering a man like that as anything but PRACTICE – and if you care too much – that’s a sign that you’ve got a toxic thing going and you’re WANTING to HURT YOURSELF. So – go with what feels good… Love, Rori

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:21pm
373: Iamabutterfly says:

sirens, what should I do tonight? I don’t want to avoid my friends, but I’m afraid of my feelings and of putting too much of my focus on Jack CD.

genuinely feel my feelings.
speak my feelings.
touch objects.

anything else?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:21pm
374: April Rose says:

Thank you, Miss Stix

I need to learn to turn it all back on myself. Or at least tone it down a little.

Even in my astrology chart I have a huge aspect that signifies ‘squeezing oneself out into the partner’

What worries me most about this man are some hidden dark parts (reflecting my own) that I have yet to encounter….

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:25pm
375: April Rose says:

FW,

Thank you for your impressions.

I think the same ‘on a good day’.

What’s happening with me is the swinging from joy with him one day, to terror the next. Will it ever settle down?

This is about my relationship with myself, I guess. I’m learning so much, so fast.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:29pm
376: MissStix says:

Oops just saw you made another post too…

I don’t think he sounds toxic. It seems to me as if he feels a strong need for your presence.

Maybe try receiving his feelings very lightly, and airily and see how he responds. It might sound like this…

smile…”It feels so good to hear that you want me near you. But going to this retreat is something I really need! A couple days apart won’t hurt. (smile) Besides i’ll miss you and it will feel that much better when we see each other again!”

Wait for him to respond. I wouldn’t ask “what do you think?” in this scenario simply to draw him out from a feeling place, but it’s obviously up to you!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:29pm
377: Femininewoman says:

And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T. You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well. Sorry. That’s the Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what captives feel for their persecutors. That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.
You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up.

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/what-to-do-when-an-office-romance-goes-bad/

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:30pm
378: Femininewoman says:

Ask yourself why do I feel this terror. See if you are afraid to fall in love or believe you don’t deserve the big love you claim you want. If nothing is happening in his presence that triggering that (something he is doing) check with yourself to see what that trauma reaction is. It might be something he is doing that triggers or something about him that triggers a memory is what I am thinking.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:38pm
379: MissStix says:

April rose

hmmm…

I feel strange about my advice now. I believe it’s sound, but if this man is intense and scary I don’t know if what I said applies to you.

Keep your eyes wide open, and keep very much in touch with your belly feelings.

Definitely appraoch him and recieve him lightly. I think i’d be deep into “observation mode” with a man I was wary of.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:39pm
380: Mel says:

Wow,

Yesterday, for the first time, it felt like Mr A was ‘annoyed’ with me.

And it’s funny, because I could sense that he felt made wrong even though I hadn’t said a blamey word. I was actually silent.

And when I checked-in with myself I noticed, that I felt a little blamey inside. I was feeling judgmental and ‘right’ and he could sense that somehow.

And his energy felt all closed and short and blamey and judgmental in return.

But when I brought it back to myself and took responsibility and was honest, the dynamic changed completely.

‘I feel so left-out and I feel afraid that I’ll always feel a bit like I’m looking in on something that I can never quite get access to… and I feel sad that it might always feel like that. And…. I feel a bit selfish for wanting in, but I do.”

His body relaxed and his voice softened and he “got me” without me ever having to explain or defend or justify or convince. I just felt.

But I still feel afraid a bit. I feel afraid of being perceived as ‘difficult’ or ‘demanding’ or ‘overly sensitive.’ I am still working on this. I don’t always have to please. I don’t have to…

But I can’t help feeling a bit like I need to overfunction now to make it right. I don’t. I won’t.

It’s ok to feel Mel.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:41pm
381: MissStix says:

femininewoman

Very well said!! #376

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:41pm
382: Mel says:

April Rose,

I think it’s okay to ‘test’ him a bit. To see if you have any real reason to be afraid. Any prince should have to prove his worthiness to such a siren as yourself. Be open, but observant.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:50pm
383: Iamabutterfly says:

I don’t think I want to go anywhere and be around people tonight. It would feel good to take a warm bath, listen to music, journal, read a book…

my body feels sore and sad and like it doesn’t want to be around people until she feels rested and limber and confident again.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 12:59pm
384: MissStix says:

Well since my earlier “feeling message” post disappeared into the internet black hole again I want to write another!

I genuinely forget how I felt when I woke up today. This reminds me that I already wrote it down and it’s gone. I felt such despair to lose all those messages. I wrote to some of you sirens and I put so much feeling and effort into it. I wanted so badly to focus on you ladies and show you love and uplift you. I felt a reaching, stretching, and bending of my dynamic. I felt loss.

I the uplifting came when I read of Radlove’s date, and of Waterfalls self time. I felt very connected with her in her persuit for melting with nature. Her desire to be anywhere but inside at home. Her words grabbed me by the toes and pulled me back to a time when I was green and fresh and discovering love for myself. I would drive and drive. Everywhere. Anywhere! I would dip into the ocean late at night in my bra and panties and breathe and feel. I would let natures energy seep into me, and allow my negativity to flow from me. I truely felt as though I was electric. I close my eyes now…I remember feeling vaporous. Like mist. Charged mist evaporating into sheer ecstasy. I remember my sorrows were a part of my solid self and they wouldn’t exist in the mist. Tears touch my eyes now. I needed so deeply to lose myself. To find my soul again. He never truely ripped it from me. I disconnected from it so it wouldn’t feel my pain.

I need to stop. This is too much. I need to breathe.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:02pm
385: Iamabutterfly says:

@382 Miss Stix – I feel connected to you and moved reading that. beautiful.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:06pm
386: Iamabutterfly says:

I don’t know why I feel such physical soreness, since I haven’t done anything physically different really. Can loss of sleep cause soreness?

I feel tired, sad, and sore in my head and in my mouth and teeth, shoulders, elbows, biceps, knees, calves and the front of my calves and my ankles.

it feels really strange.
I don’t feel crying though.
I feel somewhat relieved and somewhat defeated…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:10pm
387: Mel says:

MissStix,

I feel so moved and inspired by your words. I want to slip into the fresh water and let it carry my fears away.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:15pm
388: MissStix says:

No. I can’t stop. I need this. I need to retch this up.

I am strong now. I wasn’t strong that day. I knew…Deep in my core that something was wrong. I didn’t know what. I was fresh from my honeymoon. I was sick inside. When I finally drew it out of him I wasn’t strong. No. I was weak. I cry now but it’s ok. I need this. “i’m not in love with you anymore”. I dissipated. I collapsed at his feet. Sobs tore out from deep inside me. It killed. It hurt so bad I thought I might die there at his feet. I felt my soul rip me open and spill out of my body from my chest. And he sat down. He held me. The pain was physical. Chest tearing open. I felt ripped inside out and it was agony. I know I would have thrown up if I had eaten. I felt so much tension all day I couldn’t have chewed a bite.

I need to stop again. I breathe now. I feel present again. My face, neck and chest feel wet. I cried more than I realized just now. I felt deep in the back of my mind writing that.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:25pm
389: MissStix says:

mel

Thank you!

It was beautiful. I can still feel the bliss of those nights.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:34pm
390: Iamabutterfly says:

@386 ((((((Miss Stix))))))) – You’re so beautiful and I feel so moved by your courage!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:37pm
391: P-lala says:

#375 FW posted:
“And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T. You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well. Sorry. That’s the Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what captives feel for their persecutors. That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.
You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up. ”

Yes, yes, yes…this is where I have always gone with the men who treated me badly. “…but I LOVE him..” blah…no I didn’t, and he didn’t love me either.

True love is freeing, accepting and holds his lover loosely because she doesn’t want to squash her.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:47pm
392: P-lala says:

#375 FW posted:
“And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T. You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well. Sorry. That’s the Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what captives feel for their persecutors. That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.
You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up. ”

Yes, yes, yes…this is where I have always gone with the men who treated me badly. “…but I LOVE him..” blah…no I didn’t, and he didn’t love me either.

True love is freeing, accepting and holds his lover loosely because he doesn’t want to squash her.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:47pm
393: P-lala says:

sorry about the double post

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:50pm
394: Tam says:

358..FW, you made me laugh, thank you.
Stepping over his dead body is definitely NOT what I want. Haha. And I think closure is just another fear of intimacy, i e we are pushing that away which we can’t control. So I am trying VERY hard not to do that, because it will achieve two things:
1. I feed my fear of intimacy
2. He will come running back to me because he reacts to rejection like a fly to honey.
And I want neither of these things because they are not real, they are situational ERRORS.
There is never going to be closure with this one anyway.
However, I am sick and tired of going around in circles. And cutting contact would be the logical though totally impractical thing to do.
He will think I have gone mad when I block him on fb and don’t answer his emails/calls/texts (if and when he comes back).
And if nothing has managed to make him turn up on my doorstep, that probably will, because he will jump to the rescue of te perceived damsel in distress. And that is also NOT what I want.
I am worrying about nothing..but for ages I tried to ‘quietly slip away’ – and it just isn’t working at all.
Maybe something will change, something will have to change.
It had changed before!!! When I had my bf and saw him first time after a few months, I was still soooo happy and he was too and we couldn’t stop hugging and chatting – however, I went back to my bf that evening and I never in a million years expected what happened in the following weeks, because I was done with MrU in that respect, so I thought.
Short of avoiding him like the plague,
he will always cause upheaval in my life. Nice and lovely upheaval that ends in tears and gnashing of teeth. I am fed up.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 1:52pm
395: MissStix says:

Iamabutterfly

It feels so good to read your words, thank you!

((((((Iamabutterfly)))))))

My mom called just now. She senses me, and I love her for it. She always uplifts me. Just her voice fills me with warmth.

A song I hear on the radio a lot just came on. I don’t know who it is or what it’s called, but I love it.

“I wanna rock your gypsie soul…Together we will flow, as we sail into the mystic…” or something. I feel sexy when I hear it.

Love love love!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 2:02pm
396: FlowerChild77 says:

A classic Van Morrison song called ‘Into the Mystic.’ I love it, too <3

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 2:09pm
397: MissStix says:

I seem to be playing around with “shifting” a lot today. Yesterday morning I had such a hard time getting out of my negative headspace. I feel myself overcompensating for that and moving in and out of my head and body. I may have a need to feel in control of that. I release my need to control it. It’s ok if I get stuck in my head sometimes.

I am in a weird space today. I feel an intense need to write. I may need a journal so i’m not glued to my iphone like this and spamming lol

Thank you for simply being there sirens. And for your words I relate to. And for those I don’t relate to. They all help each of us in some way…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 2:16pm
398: MissStix says:

thank you flowerchild! *youtubes*

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 2:17pm
399: MissStix says:

I want my man to hold me tight and sway with me as that song plays. Mmm how good would that feel? Chills.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 2:34pm
400: FlowerChild77 says:

Yup!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 2:49pm
401: Rori Raye says:

April Rose – so – would YOU want your man to go away for 2 weeks on a “meditation retreat” – and possibly hang with other women? I don’t think so. Give the man a break. He’s been totally honest with you. Please take a look at why you’re feeling so triggered by his reaction – and how you’d like HIM to handle this if it were the other way around? You have to lean on trust, on faith, on love – on all kinds of things to reassure him. AND not tolerate him holding you back – or that means you’re just not a match for the future. Love, Rori

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 3:28pm
402: Rori Raye says:

April – I must have missed your other posts describing him. The comment I replied to didn’t say anything about him being dangerous…just possessive and a bit emotional. I’m going to let the community take over here, and let you tell more of your story so we can help. Love, Rori

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 3:29pm
403: siren song says:

“You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up.”

yep. listen to your feelings. i wish i would have with the last 2 men i loved. a great lesson, though…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 3:36pm
404: lilybelly says:

18 months ago, when I landed on this blog.. I was a mess.. An absolute utter and complete mess. No sense in rehashing but whoa…

A few of the women who were here then are still here and caught me when I thought I was “broken” and not able to be fixed but time and patience and feeling my feelings and working on my heart was what was needed. And for the first time in my life, I learned to speak my truth and feel my feelings. And, I thank you for that, Sirens..for you know who you are.

I am still me..the me that is outgoing and open and fun and all the things that matter to me but at a much deeper level, I am so much better. I am softer, and happier and still focus so much on how I feel.

My relationship now, is the best relationship I have ever had. It is more open and honest and real than I even dreamed possible for myself but I did dream it, I did send it to the Universe and did so for years. It would never have come had I not done the work, the often times, gut wrenching work. I would never have met him if I hadn’t done it. And I am so blessed.

I still am triggered at times, the triggers always have to do with me and nothing to do with what he is doing or not doing. Mostly, they are because of “old tapes” that sometimes still want to replay themselves. But I have also learned that I don’t have to believe everything I think or everything my NV’s try to tell me. HE isn’t the past.. He is the now. And it feels so good to not question it, or his motives or his words because his actions speak so loudly. Every.single.day.

I have learned, I have healed and I have grown and I am experiencing life and love, head on.

And it feels so d@mn good!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:07pm
405: Linda says:

MissStix

I read what you write and am inspired. I also feel jealous, amazed, and defeated. This has nothing attached to you personally. It is I am struggeling with not being content with where I am at in my life/journey right now. I feel impatient and when I do my masculine energy rares up inside me. It pushes my femine me back. I see and feel the two sides of me very clearly now which is progress, however as I have commented most of the day today I dont know or feel how to flow. I dont feel intuitive in how to direct my feminine feeling energy.

I am reading post out here from women who seem to get it, you being one. I am looking for some help here.

I want to attract the right things/people into my life.
I dont want to keep being and doing what I have in my past getting the same thing over and over.

Everything I do gets processed logically eventually so I can grasp it. I dont get things thru feeling them alone.

As I am writing I can see things that I did in my relationship with the “love of my life” that was in total masculine energy. I did not know anything about feeling and speaking girl back then.

I want to know how to keep the feminine energy ramped up and flowing like breathing and the masculine energy side of me to take a break!… I feel like this is a key stone to completing a shift in me. How is it done?

THe last two men I CD’d within the last month were certainly nothing I want in my life. Ick! If I attracted that I feel like I should draw the curtains and hide! One of them I had to flat with words…no thanks and the other came at me like a raging bull which felt fun at first, (kinda like a man crack mega dose) but then it was just icky after that.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:17pm
406: April Rose says:

I just went walking in the rain with him. Overwhelmed with emotion and terror, I wept. He held me. He spoke softly and I felt soothed.

I turned my feet away, to remember not to over-focus on him.

Three hours in his company felt warm and easy.
He spoke about moving away somewhere, together. He admitted he only ever hints at such things, for fear of being rejected.

I feel horrified at the power of my own mind to induce sensations of fear of such magnitude. They have no foundation in experience. They seem to thrive in a climate of mental analysis and speculation.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:21pm
407: T-Girl says:

Lillybelly! That was so awesome to read. Yes, I totally relate to everything you are saying from the triggers of old tapes that come up (had a major one last weekend) to recognizing them and enabling this to be the best relationship ever.

I’m so happy for you! It just goes to show that one does need to do the work first, even if it is a work in progress, and break out of old patterns. The rewards are so great!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:28pm
408: Linda says:

I feel like I am in a strange land and I dont speak the language! I can only pick up bits an pieces of what is being said, and I certainly feel uncomfortable yet staying engaged is what I feel I have to do.

Yeah Lilybelly… I wish I was able to say that is going on in my life. I am glad for you!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:31pm
409: P-lala says:

Lilybelly,

What you shared was so beautiful. I can relate in many ways. This island is a blessing and place of hope and healing.

I feel so happy to hear about your journey…thank you for sharing it.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:49pm
410: R.N.AmazingMe says:

LilyBelly I agree..thank you for sharing..

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 4:54pm
411: R.N.AmazingMe says:

you took the words right out of my mouth…I like the more amazingme too…Takes some getting used to but feels good.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:00pm
412: Starla says:

i have a fancy dinner date with V:)
He is super geeky and even has a lisp sometimes!! But I do feel quite attracted to him:) Something about him:) Yum.

And Sunday I have a date with WarriorCD (formerly knows as f*ckinghotguywhomakesmeweakinmykneesandiworryi’mnotgoodenoughforhim). He texts me all day every day and is just lovely and magical without coming on too strong. I like him. He’s deliciously human.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:07pm
413: April Rose says:

Thank you Rori,

I’m struggling to see what is my true intuition here.

On the one hand (when I’m not gripped by fear) I choose to believe that a lot of fears are coming up so I can move through them.

On the other hand, when the fear is present, it truly turns to terror. What I perceive as dangerous is a certain look in his eye, coupled with his fascination for murder stories and nazism.
And the feeling of intense passion that seems to well up in me feels scarey. Too intense?

Standing up for myself (i.e. insisting on going to the meditation retreat) brought me the peace of mind and knowledge that I CAN put myself first. It tells me that I’m not a victim to his magnetism. It keeps me from ‘merging’ with him. Surely it is unhealthy to try to intertwine and merge with another human being?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:29pm
414: Annie says:

Tam, only you know if you want to be friends or not.
And if your actions will match your words,
If you say you don’t want friendship or any contact and he initiates contact and you respond, your actions are showing him the friendship is on.

If we want other people to honor us, first we have to honor ourselves by honoring are own words with are actions.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:33pm
415: April Rose says:

What truly feels dangerous to me is his power.

It feels like a power over life and death. The edge.

I fear that his fantasies could be so extreme that they involve the power of life and death over another person (me).
I fear that he is turned on by erotic asphyxiation (he wants to strangle me). Maybe he was only playing when he hinted at that. But the dangerous look in the eye was there.

A deeper part of me feels totally thrilled by that power.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:34pm
416: April Rose says:

My mind says I am being outmanoevred by an intelligence I can’t possibly fathom.

My mind conjures up the idea that he has some form of invisible mind control over me.

My thoughts tell me he could be insane, a country boy with dangerous inbred genes.

I feel terrified that I could be suffering from the delusions of my own over-intelligent mind.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:42pm
417: Annie says:

Becki, how do you feel about the drugs?
And what do you want?
And what does UD think is the solution?

Hope you find what is your best option.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:51pm
418: P-lala says:

April Rose,

I feel scared for you. Have you done a background check on this guy? Have you met any of his friends?

Please take care of you. I feel adamantly that your safety is oh so much more important than any curiosity or intrigue that might be piqued.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:52pm
419: P-lala says:

Annie,

I feel interested to know more about you. Have you shared your story anywhere that I might be able to learn more?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:54pm
420: Femininewoman says:

Lilybelly111

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:55pm
421: Annie says:

April rose.

“I fear that he is turned on by erotic asphyxiation (he wants to strangle me). Maybe he was only playing when he hinted at that. But the dangerous look in the eye was there.”

Everyone has got their fantasies, fetishes kinks.
If he really wants to live this one out if it were me I would runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 5:56pm
422: Annie says:

April Rose.

http://www.hardcell.org.uk/playroom06.htm

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:01pm
423: April Rose says:

P-lala,

Thank you for you care.

I have met his friends, his sister, his Mum and his Auntie Hilda.

I totally agree with you about the intrigue not being worth compromising my safety.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:04pm
424: MissStix says:

Linda

It really is all about you. Your own personality, needs and desires. It’s about what amps you up and makes you feel good, and putting those things into action. Make promises to yourself, and keep them. Promises that matter to YOU! Feel good about what inspires you, be you, live within your own personality and let it shine…Whatever it is. It will take work, and commitment, soul searching. But the things you do and act on will help you learn.

I feep deeply flattered to hear that I am inspiring. But I just feel like a human being who stumbled and made the effort to pick herself up and move foreward. I have demons and turmoils too. The fact that you’re searching and making an effort means you’re no different than me…I admire you for your ability to open up and express what you are really feeling and your frustrations. Just keep moving forward, and learning!

So much love!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:05pm
425: April Rose says:

Thanks Annie,

My fears are returning.
After a delightful evening with him. Why oh why this strange conundrum?

I choose to believe we are healing each other.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:11pm
426: April Rose says:

I have never felt unsafe in his company.

It is later, alone, when I think about things. The fear comes then.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 6:15pm
427: Memulo says:

I haven’t heard from him and he did not ask me out for the weekend ;(

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:42pm
428: Radlove says:

My date went all right. No sparks, but good practice. I think the thing that I found the biggest turn-off was his eyes were half closed to the point where I couldn’t see his eyes. I don’t know if that was an eyelid issue or if it is his cloaking device to keep anyone from seeing his emotions. Given his career, I think it is the latter. Because there were moments he was capable of opening his eyes. Eyes are the most important feature to me on a man.

I found it funny that he is the second CD who told me I am very quiet! LOL! I imagine you all laughing with me, because you see how much I “talk” on here!

I was following his lead. And there was a lot of, “Hmmm, mmmm, well, so, yup, yeah, so yeah…”

I felt uncomfortable with all of it. I think he was waiting for me to lead in conversation. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say to a woman. He kept asking, “What? What? What”

I thought it was a lame conversation starter, so I just said, “I didn’t say anything.” or “I don’t feel anything to say.”

What I found really cool is at every turn, I felt my mind automatically reaching for words to say and leaning back thoughts because of soaking here on the blog! It is becoming 2nd nature! Yay!

I intend to see him again, but I see him as practice and fun, a man snack, as Rori worded it once.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 7:56pm
429: Radlove says:

My thoughts kept turning to R, and once again, i will say that he doesn’t hold a candle to R. But I kept praying that when R decides to look me up, I’ll be thick with another man and R will live to regret throwing me away.

I was thinking deeply about why I keep contacting him instead of leaning back. I was thinking about how Rori says that a lot of our words and actions stem from the subconscious, and I find that to be very true.

I realized that I have these deep beliefs:

I believe silence is a sh/itt(y form of communication.

I believe that healthy relationships are those that build a bridge of communication when there is a conflict. Avoidance is easy – anyone can do that.

I firmly believe that the rubber hits the road in a relationship when 2 people keep talking even when there is a conflict.

So when R goes into pushing me away mode and telling me to leave him alone, it is hard for me to lean back because those are my subconscious beliefs, even tho everything Rori says about leaning back makes sense to me.

I’m not sure yet how I’ll resolve this inner conflict. But at least I am conscious now of why I keep reaching out to him when things go sour.

It would be nice to get so caught up with a new CD that I don’t care anymore what is going on between R and me. But I’m not there yet.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:02pm
430: Radlove says:

Really enjoying Ruby Cherry (grapefruit/cherry) juice mixed with seltzer water!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:25pm
431: Belle says:

I feel curious.
Is this peace?
I’ve been triggered SO many times in the past month and am feeling resilient. A little trigger that, a few years ago would have sent me into isolation, alcohol, overeating, pot and massive arguments with others now simply moves through. Instead I use my pen, keyboard, breath, meditation and allowing and accepting the feelings to the best of my ability.
I’ve cultivated 3 good female friendships over the past year. I noticed a pining for a friendship with one particular person who has never called me or asked to get together and a slight aversion to someone who has been consistently calling me and asking to get together. I dropped the pining for the unavailable one.

The other I called today to invite to laughter yoga tomorrow. And before I knew it I was offering to babysit her 3-yr. old for the afternoon, because I really really REALLY wanted to. I really wanted to be with her daughter and I’m wondering if this …what? Emotional availability?!?!

I felt so free with the little one, we played make-believe dolphin games and pillow pet games and watched My Little Pony (I actually teared up watching it…ha!).

I felt dreamy, and I felt almost weird, again without the pain and the highs and lows of the drama of the first 41 years of my life, this flowy feeling is unusual.

After my friend arrived home again, she played the violin for me, I teared up and we danced and shared our visions of community and love. I’m not sure what I felt, maybe it was simply BEing? I’m so used to feeling constant resistance and today was so easy.

I’m feeling so much closer to myself and my girlfriends and feeling so satisfied! Rori, I will remember what you said about how wanting a toxic man is reflecting how I want to hurt myself somehow. If my thoughts go to him again I will interpret it as a cry for some love and compassion for myself.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:26pm
432: Sunshine says:

I feel so embarrassed Im 29 and have never had a boyfriend or atleast not an official one. I have dated alot, had a toxic/imaginary relationship with my friends that lasted five years, and lastly more one or two date experiences with guys from match.com. I feel worried for myself and am now speaking to a counselor but I still feel frustrated. I also dont want to lie to any potential guy in the future…what do I say? its so embarrassing I dont want to feel judged. Another element is that Im considered attractive which instead of feeling good about it it feels more uncomfortable and I feel like im judging myself and paranoid to be judged by any guy if they ask ” so when was your last relationship?” or, how long was your relationship? or, how many boyfiends have you had? any advice girls? its hard to be honest about this in a real life situation especially if im into the guy!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:29pm
433: Sunshine says:

i meant to say with my friend not friends…singular not plural…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:30pm
434: Sunshine says:

I feel so frustrated

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:31pm
435: Miss Bells says:

#370
I so relate.
I am going to have to do “no contact” while in the same house.
But–it is, after-all, an attitude.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:35pm
436: Sunshine says:

I remember I think in Rori’s toxic program that one of the guest dating experts I forgot his name was listing how to detect men who are toxic. I felt scared and uncomfortable when he said those who have not had serious long term relationships, etc. I wondered is that me? what if someone in the future thinks that because I havent had a serious relationship im a red flagger and he should run…:( I feel sad because its not that I dont want to be healthy or want a commitment, I just know I have had lots of insecurities mixed with a lot of hurt, childhood pain, etc. but want to improve as much as I can…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:40pm
437: Radlove says:

Sunshine,

432 – I’m 48 and single, so I’ve faced a lot of that. Here are some things I say:

I just haven’t found the right man yet.

I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.

That feels too personal.

When I establish a comfort level with a man, sometimes I am gut level honest and say I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills. But I’ve been told I shouldn’t say that.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:47pm
438: Iamabutterfly says:

I love my best friend. We talked tonight and she is the best! (hmm. that’s redundant.) she is so funny and compassionate! and she’s not imaginary! haaaa! we went to college together and she moved away for her job and I miss her so much but we both consider each other to be each other’s best friend and still talk all the time on the phone and I love her so much and I’m so thankful for her!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:49pm
439: Radlove says:

Sunshine,

436 – I don’t think you NEED to tell anyone anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing. Another approach is to position yourself in strength by saying with a twinkle in your eye and a smile, “Oh, I’m pretty sure if the right man came around, I’d be off the market real fast!”

or

“I’m pretty choosy. It’s a lifelong decision, so I am taking my time to make the right decision with the right man.”

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:50pm
440: Butterfly Wings says:

248 FW – the list is my list of boundaries. I wasn’t overly strong with those in the past, but if he truly wants a relationship with me, then here they are.

If he doesn’t like them, then he will say no and we are over forever.

If he does, then we may have a long and happy life together!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:50pm
441: Radlove says:

Sunshine,

Would it help you to discuss your childhood hurts with us on the blog? I wonder if you are in therapy or open to it?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:52pm
442: Iamabutterfly says:

@437 Radlove – that made me feel so sad, but almost proud of you too. I love the honesty of “I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills.”

I just want to “hug” you! (((((radlove)))))

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 8:56pm
443: Radlove says:

Iamabutterfly,

442 – thank you! Hugs back to you! <3

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:02pm
444: Butterfly Wings says:

338 T-Girl – I agree and really don’t get it… And we’re still yet to have “the talk”!

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:04pm
445: Sunshine says:

Radlove, Im in therapy at the moment four sessions so far. I started out by stating that my goals are to develop better relationships/ confidence all for the ultimate goal a commited romantic relationship. The therapist has been great really nice and understanding, but after stating that I began to notice that I trailed off into just working on better communication with friends and family at the moment. I know its a process, but im feeling impatient! when will I get to the good stuff! I am currently not dating I took off my profile on match, etc. i chose not to date while working on easier challenges (fam and friends).
Anyway, I know my biggest issue is that I never felt heard when I was young, and often ignored. being the oldest I felt my sister (a handful at the time) was enough for my parents to deal with so any emotional turmoil I had I kept inside or cried it out “secretly.” my parents where never physically abusive or by any means said anything insulting or hurtful, but I definitely felt ignored/ comletely invisible. this is the basic, anyway I feel that for what ever reason being in a relationship will take part of my identity and I feel like i want to protect my identity, its scary to think i will be influenced by someone to not be me, i dont like that. maybe its because my mom is very complacent with my dad. I feel bad saying things abouot them because I really love them and I know they love me but…for whatever reason I feel very protective of myself i dont like it when men are bossy, demanding, or want me to be they want. My precious identity..i dont want to lose it, i dont want to lose me. I feel sad and scared

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:06pm
446: Sunshine says:

wow, the more I think of it the scarier I feel. I tend to feel influenced easily maybe Im just really receptive almost chameleonesque, I think Im still finding out my identity but having trouble with it. A man in my life feels like more fog in my identity window I dont know why…

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:10pm
447: Sunshine says:

maybe i do know who I am but lack a certain confidence…unless im salsa dancing:p probably the only time I feel truley the most confident

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:13pm
448: Daria says:

I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills.”

‘I felt traumatized a lot growing up. I felt safer alone avoiding people. I feel emotionally underdeveloped in some ways.

This is what I feel like

I feel unconfortable writing this

Ugh

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:18pm
449: Sunshine says:

Daria I really appreciate that you said it because atleast I donr feel so alone, because well I feel alone a lot. I sometimes enjoy it because it feels safe and relaxing, and other times its very worrysome, to think that I would share my safe space with someone? how weird it feels almost odd to me

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:23pm
450: Radlove says:

Sunshine,

Salsa dancing is so fun! And I didn’t even realize until adulthood that my parents loved me. I really relate to you.

I felt either invisible or reprehensible. Almost every time I opened my mouth, I was…

1. Yelled at
2. Criticized
3. Interrupted
4. Ignored

When everything you say meets with one of those things, it leaves you feeling worthless and invisible.

When I was about 25, I started counseling, and my counselor was talking to me about how to relate to men. He said, “Just be yourself!”

I said in a moment of self-discovery, “I don’t know who I am.”

My voice sounded hollow to me. I went home and eyed myself down in the mirror. My eyes looked hazy, bewildered, unclear. I knew for sure I didn’t know who I was.

It has taken years, decades, to develop and discover who I am, and I do feel like I know who I am now.

A lot of it has come thru expressing myself in words. My words are an expression of who I am: my beliefs, my thoughts, and my feelings.

I have erred on the side of being outspoken, giving myself allowance for mistakes and conflicts, because I so desperately needed to TALK.

When I worked with mentally handicapped kids in the late 80s, one mostly nonverbal boy was at a therapeutic horseback riding farm. He didn’t want to get on the horse, because he felt scared.

This nonverbal boy screamed, repeatedly, “LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME!”

At that moment, tears instantly poured down my face. I knew it was the cry of my heart.

I appreciate how I feel listened to on this blog. And the number one draw I feel to R is that he is the best listener I have ever encountered.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:24pm
451: Sunshine says:

Sometimes I just think the worst of men because its what my grandma used to tell me about how “all” men are actually she tells me to this day. she says they just want sex, and will treat you like shit, they are all inate players, having children equals problems. she says having one equals one problem, two two problems, etc. she says that a woman is expected to do everything work her ass off, tend to the kids, and when shes fully done, she has to tend to his needs at night, work in the day, and work in the night. she says that men lie and they fall in love quickly and quickly fall out of it. Do myself a favor and be intelligent and dont fall for their bs…
The list goes on and on and well this also does not help me..gee i wonder why i dont allow to continue any dates past two dates. I FEEL ANGRY!!!!! I hate that I was told this over and over and over and over again every single day from someone who obviosly had her own issues

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:29pm
452: Sunshine says:

Radlove thank you for sharing that with me, it gives me hope also that im on the right track by tapping into the identity issue. wow that felt nice for you to state that you said “I dont know who I am” in response to being advised to be yourself it means its something important and you have found yourself:) I wonder, I feel like I do know myself deep down, but its hard to shar with others. what if i offend or upset someone by me being who i am? i dont know why but i wonder that. what if I dont agree with someone, it will cause a problem, or even uncomfortability thats how I feel and think sometimes. i even wondered, if I am fully me and my potential, will my family think Im strange because Im not sweet and shy like who they think I am? will it be uncomfortable for them?

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:38pm
453: Sunshine says:

its so uncomfortable for my family to be aware of me as a sexual being, its embarrassing. and to think that if I have a steady guy they will know what we do and that is incredibly uncomfortable for me.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:40pm
454: P-lala says:

Sunshine,

I am struggling with being known as a sexual being as well. My adult son lives with me and is very protective and struggling with my relationship with K (though he’s agreed to meet him this weekend!). K asked if I had considered when I might be willing to spend the night and I just about panicked thinking, “What would my son think!?”

Because I am a sexual trauma therapist, my son knows my story, about my childhood abuse, and subsequent sexual acting out of my young adulthood and I think he’s not prepared to trust that I can be sexual and be healthy at the same time.

UGH…there might be an open-hearted conversation happening sometimine in the near future about this.

Thanks, Sunshine, for talking about this issue and helping me realize that it’s something I need to deal with rather than hide from.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:49pm
455: P-lala says:

The part that is just as perplexing is that even if K and I spend the night together, we are holding off on intercourse for several more months. So, sleeping the night doesn’t really have any more significance than the intimacy that occurs when sleeping in one anothers arms. Still, I have shame around it. Blah.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:51pm
456: Sunshine says:

P-lala, what you wrote feels very powerful thank you for your feedback. to think that it is a feeling that others feel feels comforting, and hopeful for all of us. Especially that you are a sex trauma therapist. It makes sense that being a sexual being can be uncomfortable both for me as a daughter and also for the parents. I bet it must feel ackward for parents too. my grandma sometimes when she wasnt being such a dictator, would open up to me about something similar. she would say that she would never remarry after she had my youngest uncle, she would say she felt embarrassed if her sons thought she was with someone else. Its tough, but i just think to myself. well, if my parents for whatever reason split up (knock on wood), I wouldnt want them to be alone but happy. It would feel weird to see either one of them with someone else but the sadness of seeing them alone outweighs the ackwardness especially if it was my mom..this of course from someone suposing the issue and not living it for what its worth.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 9:56pm
457: Sunshine says:

lol I remember not so long ago I hung out w/my parents…I told them we should say bridesmaids because its hillarious, and I completely forgot about the full out sexual scene in the beginning! wow that was so torturous I felt so embarrassed i was sweating. I told my dad wow, I forgot about that part. and my dad said…dont worry about it its normal. I feel like crying right now because I sense they can sense how ashamed and embarrassed I am about sex in general. even when they are ok with it. I just feel so embarrassed

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:02pm
458: P-lala says:

((((Sunshine))))

Sex IS normal, but so is, I believe, the desire for one’s sexuality to be private and not to be considered by those who have not embraced and wholly accepted the REAL, authentic you.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:09pm
459: P-lala says:

Having unsafe people think about me as a sexual being feels intrusive and like an invasion of my privacy – that is a direct result of my trauma.

Wow, good revelations tonight.

It’s my bedtime now. Sweet dreams and much love to you all.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:11pm
460: Sunshine says:

hmm that makes sense, k good night

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:19pm
461: Iamabutterfly says:

I think I project my negative feelings onto the men I’m interested in and I also think I get obsessive because of that.

Like I’m looking outside to them for the answers that can only come from inside me, and since i can’t find the answers in them, I feel misguided anger towards them.

Friday, 3 August 2012 @ 10:46pm
462: Butterfly Wings says:

Oh this is getting really weird…

TH went out earlier, then returned with a heap of stuff to ease my cough (I’ve been sick for a week now). He’s really looking after me! But why????

I know I’m in serious lean-back mode, and I know I’m totally detached from the outcome, so maybe it’s my vibe?

We’ve still not had “the talk”, although he keeps smiling fondly at me. I’ve never seen him like this.

I feel torn right now. On one hand I’d like us to be together and live happily ever after, but on the other hand I’m thinking I’d prefer to move on and do the single thing for a while…

Hopefully he’ll be ready for our talk soon, but for now I won’t push it. He knows I’m feeling impatient, and if he brings it up I’ll tell him that yes, I’m still feeling impatient!

Oh and a guy (a mentor of mine) who I’ve kind of had a bit of a crush on for years now, called me “sweet cheeks” today! Haha. He’s about my age and very successful and we talk a bit online and he knows about the ups and downs I’ve experienced with TH.

This buy is a bit of a player and every time I talk to him he has a different woman, but he’s fun to talk to and I admire him and what he’s achieved.

He’s never called me that before and I’d say he’s noticed my new relationship status… hmmm!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:01am
463: Tam says:

Annie, thank you for your input.
Yes, that is so true, our words must match our actions. I do have a problem with that when someone pulls on my heartstrings and thinks I am unwell and wants to find out all is well with me – to just stay quiet.
That is the game. It feels like passive aggressive to me to not answer when someone who is concerned enquires. But yes, it would be the ‘answer’, not to ‘answer’. I have made it pretty clear that friendship is not on the menu anymore but h won’t accept that…in some ways I have to admit that I find it very endearing also. I know he has feelings also, and he is the one who can’t stay platonic friends anyway..so it’s all a bit messy.
I have not heard from him and assume doing nothing is the best course of action. And dating. I find it hard to date, almost impossible, and recently it hasn’t been much fun. I leave the dates disillusioned, sad and hankering for what I can’t have.
I have so much other stuff to sort out in my life also.

The point is that I get stuck on this guy and don’t want to, but I can’t exorcise him out of my life because over the years we have a circle of friends together…cutting him out means cutting about 3 more people out of my life, that are very dear to me too. It’s a bit like punishing myself. I dunno.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:08am
464: Starla says:

My date with V was just great:)
All perception I had of his geekiness just faded, biggest of all:).

He showed up with pretty flowers, opened doors, took me to a brilliant, fancy restaurant, asked if I needed to go home or if I wanted to grab a drink somewhere so I asked him what he thought, and he said “I want to spend more time with you.”

At the end of the night he said “I’m about to be really awkward cuz i want to kiss you but i can’t read you.”

So I said “come closer” with a sly smile and he kissed me and gave me a nice hug.

he was a great date and i enjoy my time with him.

yay

there were things that would have usually triggered me, but instead of saying anything or overfunctioning, I honestly just stayed quiet and said nothing. Like easy breezy no problem.

I’m good:)

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:34am
465: Butterfly Wings says:

Woohoo Starla!!!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:27am
466: Sirenity says:

Hi Butterfly Wings

I have been most interested to read your new perspective.

Having not read anything from you for some months (either you didnt post Or I wasnt checking the blog),
suddenly it seems you have gone from a “pleasing” vibe (thinking about what he wants, working to be the woman he wants) to a ” take it or leave it” vibe.

The voyeuristic part of me wants to know what caused this obvious energy shift. I am amazed at how his energy has also shifted it seems (to looking after you and trying to please YOU ) . Instead you are now thinking of other men.

This “chasing and pleasing” dynamic is very obvious from the outside in the way you write about you and TH. Please excuse me for commenting but its hugely educatiuonal.

The take home message for me is to genuinely lean back , have a high degree of difficulty and keep the focus OFF any man I am interested in.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:12am
467: Butterfly Wings says:

Sirenity, isn’t it funny how it’s so easy to see the dynamic between people when you’re on the outside? I welcome your insight because until I read what you posted, I wasn’t even aware. Wow!

And yes, I believe you are 100% right! I now no longer care if he’s going to be the man in my life or not. In the past I did.

And now he’s “looking after” me, bringing me drinks, buying me things to help ease my cough and help me sleep… it’s such a huge change from most recently.

He’s always been a bit of a nurturer but he seems much more attentive now than ever.

I’m also leaving him alone and am (im)patiently waiting for the talk to happen. I am really just looking for some clarity in our situation. What does he have in mind? If he no longer wants the relationship, that’s fine, but I in turn will not want him living in my house. I want to be free to do what i want without him looking over my shoulder.

But if he does want the relationship, a few things will need to change (for both of us), and we will need to talk through that.

I think also that the haze from my issues with the BCP has all but disappeared too, and I am seeing everything so clearly now – it’s amazing! It’s almost like I’ve been asleep for the last year!

So yeah, I think everything is falling into place, and finally, I am loving ME first and him second. I like it!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:56am
468: Vi says:

“I am struggling with being known as a sexual being as well” ..

omg being known as a sexual being feels like a struggle for me when I try to understand how i feel myself about being a sexual being .. and i feel uneasy and tense and jumpy .. and numb .. i love my uneasiness my tension my jumpines… i love my tense shoulders .. this feeling gets me back to my teen years .. and i feel curious and uncomfortable .. and want to distract my attention with smth else … omg i feel ashamed to remember teenage me!! i felt like nobody that time .. or is it just me thinking and judging me as being a nobody? … i was a “good girl” then and . and i feel ashamed of that … oh i love my shame! i feel my face turning red and blushing .. i feel so embarrassed … that time i thought i had no boobs and my bras were kind of “childish” … i thought i dont even deserve nice sexy bras … I felt sex-less .. now I feel afraid to hurt someones aesthetic feelings with these memories … i apologize in this case and feel like spewing it .. no – i feel like exploring it here… i was taught money should be spent on other things – … food … books … but – to feel sexy ?? the topic was just avoided in the family .. and felt like i have to have ‘adults’ permission to feel sexy .. and there was silence .
Sad … i still feel sex-less .. blacked out… i feel silenced in this area ..
mmmmm… my body has changed since .. feeling smiley .. : ) hehe i feel like gazing a man in the eyes … i feel power … cat power .. me power ..me-ow power .. meow ! : )

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:06am
469: Sirenity says:

I love to hear a Siren loving herself , really truly and genuinely. We all try, and most of us are just “pretending” while we still hang off that man’s every text, every call, every possibility..we look through a frame of lining him up to be our “one”. It must make men cringe and RUN!!!

I resolve to look through a frame of ..does this relationship enhance my life?
Its been a while since I cared who was texting or calling..I would like to feel some chemical incentive please universe..but retain the overall focus on ME.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:19am
470: Sirenity says:

Butterfly Wings..hormonal treatments do impact the brain and that means thinking and feelings change. I would be wary though of “blaming” external causes for who we are in the moment.

I feel delighted you are feeling better .I am a bit sick tonight (longstanding issues) but did enjoy a little flirtation over my tax preparation and am considering an ongoing flirtation …(nice goodbye hug felt warm and comfy).

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:23am
471: Ella says:

I LOVE my Zumba classes, and yet I feel SO PLEASED that I just did the last one and now have a 4 week break!

Woohoo,.

Rest, relax, refresh.

Me time!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:25am
472: Sirenity says:

I love Zumba too Ella . Not good at it and quite elderly compared to you , but hey my legs love it! Accountant man was eying them off today.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:28am
473: Butterfly Wings says:

Sirenity, I was experiencing some major side effects of the BCP which eventually led to a serious meltdown last week. I was a mess, I was acting irrationally, I was aware of all of this, but I could not control it.

Everyone around me has been worried for me because they recognise it’s not been “me”.

I came off that pill 7 weeks ago, and my meltdown was typical of other women’s experiences within the first two months (I’m on a bit of a campaign against the drug company and doctors for not explaining the side effects clearly – some (such as hair loss and anxiety attacks) weren’t even on there…

And now looking back, I KNOW I haven’t been myself for a very, very long time. Poor TH! lol

It’s been really tough, and now that I’m “up”, I can now see how far I was “down” for almost a year now. Ick.

Anyway, all is good now, and will definitely continue to improve.

And I like how you think about whether the relationship enhances your life etc.

I’ve been sick too – but mine is just a cold which I’ve had the last week. TH has it too and neither of us have been sleeping because of it. The coughing is annoying!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:42am
474: Butterfly Wings says:

I love flirting! And I shall look forward to doing more of that in the future I think!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:43am
475: Butterfly Wings says:

Oh! Before I try to go to sleep (haven’t slept properly in a week!), one thing that I said to TH was that if anything, him breaking up with me gave me something I desperately craved – certainty.

I told him that a weight had lifted, because I had been feeling uncertain for so long. Now that he had ended it with me, I had that certainty, even though it was the worst outcome.

So I might as well have thanked him for doing me a favour!

Funny! And that might explain the sad face he posted not long after on FB… Hmmmm…… Maybe he’s regretting his decision… Oh well..

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:12am
476: Femininewoman says:

What is BCP?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:24am
477: Femininewoman says:

aahh Birth Control Pills. I believe those can cause cancer.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:25am
478: Femininewoman says:

RE 466 So so true Sirenity. It struck me also the shift went to just being and receiving mode. So now TH has a woman who can receive his love. So yes it would be easier for him to fall deeply in love. As Rori says “a man wants a woman who can feel. A man wants a woman who can receive.” Also a man wants a woman who loves herself first. That way she can teach him how to love her. So counterintuitive.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:35am
479: Femininewoman says:

I feel you Vi

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:36am
480: Tam says:

Off on a date, really forcing myself….

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:52am
481: Femininewoman says:

Tam you’ll be okay. Keep saying FUN FUN FUN in your mind and try to touch things to focus on being present

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:01am
482: Memulo says:

Sunshine,

‘I don’t feel like talking about the past. I am available now’.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:12am
483: Memulo says:

So I guess contacting him to ask how things are is not a good idea. On the other hand, it’s kind of strange not to ask? Since I rally do care.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:52am
484: ruth says:

Wow wow wow!
So much excellent stuff to read back on and learn from

I feel quite inspired and will look forward to catching up later

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:06am
485: Jilly says:

((((((((Lilybelly)))))) that feels amazing to read!!!! Yay

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:17am
486: Femininewoman says:

Memulo the question is does he care enough about his own situation to contact YOU and share? Does his mother care and worry about him as much as you do? Is he mature enough to handle difficult situations?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:18am
487: MissStix says:

BW

I have also had major issues with BCP. A bit of a long story for this esrly in the morning so I’ll keep it short…I was on for 10 years. Right through my relationship with ex hubby. I went off after we separated thinking I did not need it anymore. Then back on when I started dating again, then back off a couple months later when I really realized what was happening to me on the pill.

The BCP not only messes with your hormones but it puts a stop to our beautiful and natural cycle. It de-sexualizes women. Women no longer experience the ebbs and fliws (no pun hehe). It stifles phermones that naturally draw males to us. Mood swings, weight gain, yes hairloss and lack of lustre.

I am not on it now and will never take it again! I have a rare form of endometriosis in my chest cavity and BCP is supposed to help????? I have symptoms now so RARELY that I hardly feel like I have it anymore. I devoloped the disease ON BCP. Go figure.

I am so passionate about this topic lol apologies. But just wait…You will be amazed at how much more level you feel. Took me approx 4 months.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:25am
488: MissStix says:

pardon my typos 6:30 am here

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:26am
489: Femininewoman says:

Memulo I feel curious. Have you ever checked to see if you spend as much time thinking about yourself as you think about him?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:28am
490: Memulo says:

Thank you FW. I am thinking to text ‘You’re my hero’. this way I can show my support in a feminine way and not ask for anything?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:32am
491: MissStix says:

Lilybelly 404

It feelso inspiring to read your words! Thank you, and I feel so happy to see how positive you are Hugs and love!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:33am
492: Femininewoman says:

Memulo what did he do to earn the title?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:41am
493: Memulo says:

Last time when he called he said a lot of nice things about me. I felt surprised they were important to him.

The next morning he called again and didn’t leave a message, so I did not contact him. It could be a mistake dial, although he has a password on his cell, so I guess the cell is ‘closed’ normally?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:42am
494: Memulo says:

FW, he cares about his boy a lot and he fights with all his strength and more in this extremely difficult and humiliating situation.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:44am
495: Femininewoman says:

Well Memulo if he wants romance with you allow him to do his part of the job. Reaching out to him might only be offering friendship. Hence cutting him off at the ba*lls. Respond when HE contacts you.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:48am
496: Femininewoman says:

Well Memulo if he wants romance with you allow him to do his part of the job. Reaching out to him might only be offering friendship. Hence cutting him off at the ba*lls. Respond when HE contacts you.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:48am
497: Memulo says:

Oh he just texted!!!!

He is asking if I can help him. I am about to say – yes! what do I do?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:01am
498: Memulo says:

Or – it feels so good you are asking?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:02am
499: Femininewoman says:

I feel open to helping

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:06am
500: Memulo says:

He says – I need sleep. And peace

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:07am
501: Belle says:

@ Sunshine ~ “my son knows my story, about my childhood abuse, and subsequent sexual acting out of my young adulthood and I think he’s not prepared to trust that I can be sexual and be healthy at the same time.”

Are you sure it’s your son that isn’t prepared to trust? I’m wondering if you are projecting.
((((sunshine))))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:07am
502: MissStix says:

memuolo

if you don’t know what he needs help with I would say…

“well it depends what do you need from me?”

if you do know what he is asking…I’m curious to know what it is!!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:08am
503: Femininewoman says:

Now affirm his ability to do what he needs to. “I feel confident you will find peace. You are a good and I am here for you when you are ready to talk” is what I might say

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:11am
504: Memulo says:

I said – I need a couple of hours and then we can sleep:)

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:15am
505: Memulo says:

FW, he is not asking to talk:) He is asking me to express my love and be with him.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:19am
506: Femininewoman says:

You mean he is feeling horny and wants you to take care of his need?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:23am
507: P-lala says:

501 Belle,

Thanks so much for asking. Yes, he’s said as much. When I had a talk with him about how the negative comments he was making about K and I asked him why he wouldn’t just meet K so that his concerns could be alleviated, he said, “I’m playing devil’s advocate. I want to be sure that you like this guy and that you’re not just falling into a relationship with a guy that isn’t good to you. I know that if you have the words to defend him to me that you do like him because you never take someone else’s side over mine.” Also, “Please tell K that this isn’t about him. This is about your past choices and how painful it has been for me to watch you be hurt. I don’t want to watch that happen again. I think it would break you…and I need you.”

Wow…my son loves me so much, despite the mistakes I made as a mother. We have been through a lot together.

In reality, what he seems to fear is my giving my heart away…he didn’t mention the sexual piece. Although he wasn’t happy when he found out that we kissed on the first date. At that point he said, “Since you were 24 years old and you moved 2000 miles away from grandpa, you have never had a protector. You never had a man to step up and ensure that you received on the best…and you’ve been too hurt. Now that I’m an adult, I want to be that protector for you until the perfect man comes along to take over. I just don’t want to hand that duty over to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I love you too much.”

Thank you, Belle, for asking me to look at this. My son is concerned about my heart above all…he is so amazing. K is amazing, too. I am loved by two wonderful men. I am so blessed.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:27am
508: Femininewoman says:

When was the last time you saw him and was it a proper date?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:30am
509: Memulo says:

No;) Or even if this is part of it I don’t care. He is in a huge distress and all this time when he was distancing himslef to resolve his problems I wished he’d let me be there for him, even just to hug him. Now he IS involving me and it was his decision, without me asking

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:30am
510: Memulo says:

I saw him 2 weeks ago and it was 2 days after the hearing where he lost custody. He was a mess, it wasn’t a proper date. He didn’t eat. But he took me out for ice cream.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:33am
511: P-lala says:

Belle – my response is in moderation…hopefully it’ll be up soon.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:33am
512: Femininewoman says:

So he wants you to play the role of caretaker and he be the damsel in distress and you are okay with? Okay then. He wants to sleep with you and can’t even call but spends energy and time texting? Okay then. Is this the kind of attention that is meaningful to you or does it make you feel powerful?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:34am
513: P-lala says:

Memulo,

Is he asking you for sex so that he can sleep and have peace?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:36am
514: Memulo says:

He responded – Later.

Ok now that I know he is not half alive in his bedroom he will have to call and take me out properly;)

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:37am
515: Memulo says:

P-lala

I don’t know, I don’t think about it in these terms. I just don’t. I don’t think about men in these terms. It’s like a new concept to me. Sincerely, I don’t know what to say.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:39am
516: Femininewoman says:

Many men work off their stress in the bedroom. I have a colleague who talks about that all the time.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:39am
517: Femininewoman says:

I wonder if his pattern is two weeks of withdrawal. Then comes out for sex then goes back in the cave? I wonder what his ex would say?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:42am
518: P-lala says:

Memulo – OK, I was just trying to figure out what it meant that he wanted you to share your love and be with him in response to how you could help him sleep and find peace.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:44am
519: MissStix says:

Memuolo

There is nothing wrong with asking his true intentions. Men respond well to straight up and real.

“I’m curious to know how you envision me helping you find sleep and peace. I’m unsure of exactly what you need from me.”

The vagueness in what you show him saying feels irritating to me. Men. lol

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:52am
520: Memulo says:

FW,

Yes I see what you’re saying. Two weeks ago we weren’t intimate. Withdrawal – yes, he contacted me one way or another every second day on average but didn’t ask to see me. So I did not respond to his ‘later’ and if he contacts me again I’ll ask jokingly if I am being ask out over text

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:53am
521: Memulo says:

MissStix,

I guess I’d feel different about the whole thing if he didn’t go though a major stress that will take a long time to resolve 2 weeks ago. He was back-stabbed big time. so now I am confused as to how to react.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:55am
522: Femininewoman says:

Memulo you take care of your needs first. Your inexperience with dating does not stop you from asking yourself tough questions. I wonder how you would feel around establishing a boundary for yourself around later? I wonder at what time after which if he contacts you again you would not sleep with him. I like Miss stix suggestion.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:59am
523: P-lala says:

I feel yuck thinking about the days, long ago, when I consented to be used as sexual pain relief in return for attention…that I interpretted as care, even love. I look back now, knowing they probably don’t remember my name or anything about my heart, and feel deep sadness that I myself like a blowup doll, needless. Oh, my poor young girl’s heart that didn’t know her worth.
(((My heart)))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:10am
524: MissStix says:

I see clearly where you’re coming from Memuolo.

We, as women, must separate our own feelings and emotions from those of the men we are romantically involved with. It’s tricky because we simply care. I’m not saying not to care or have compassion. I guess i’m saying not to compromise our own feelings and integrity for their emotional well being. We must speak up at all times regardless. I it’s done in a respectful and genuine way it won’t be harmful. A GOOD man will see you respecting yourself and him in the process. He will understand, and accept your feelings even if he diesn’t like it.

What also happens is an opportunity to observe how a man responds to you. How does he absorb your power and react to it? Does he shut down, does he lash out, or does he calmly recieve it and express what he thinks about it. All important things to observe in the men we date

I respect and relate to your need to nurture. I feel it to and it’s hard to pull it back.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:10am
525: Femininewoman says:

Thanks for sharing that P-lala. It resonated with me. I would pull back shut down because I did not know how to express my feelings. It would be a reason men would disappear because I would not be sleeping with them. I didn’t know how to handle my fear of intimacy.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:17am
526: P-lala says:

(((FW))) I feel so heartened when I hear about the growth that has happened in the lives of the women here- how the past has fallen away after hard work. Thanks for sharing.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:20am
527: MissStix says:

Today I feel like I could be alone for the rest of my life and still be vibrant and content.

I try to picture NOT attracting a man with this state of being…It’s impossible.

This is how Rori helped me. The bare bones of it.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:24am
528: Becki says:

Annie,

I feel like the drugs don’t have any place in my home or car. I don’t want them near my daughter nor I.
What I want is out of the relationship with UD. He isn’t good for me. I hate how bitter I’ve become with him.

I am “vacationing” in Florida right now. Decided while down here I would not contact VP since I think I was leaning a lot. He has an interview lined up in 2 weeks and I asked if he wanted me to come celebrate with him (way wrong move) he said ok lol. I am taking it as a no, where before I’d press on and set a date

Well last night I got pretty toasted and messaged “wish you were here”
Amongst other stupid junk. Kinda felt like he was being a little cold so I said I could kick myself in the ask for drunk texting and goodnight before I make a bigger fool of myself.
I’m so diss appointed in myself right now
Will probably not hear from him again while I’m here

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:27am
529: MissStix says:

plala

Wonderful words…even if they come from experiencing sadness. It feels wonderful, to me, to know you see clearly, and show yourself love!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:30am
530: Memulo says:

I wonset if I should say something now or wait till he contacts me?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:35am
531: Jasmine says:

Arrrg I woke up with a feeling that he’s with somebody else. It’s killing me, it’s killing me.

I’m feeling sad.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:40am
532: Femininewoman says:

Memulo I wonder if you ever stop wondering. If you lean back you won’t wonder

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:42am
533: MissStix says:

((((becki))))

You are worth so much more than beating yoursrlf up over a drunk text!! You are human. We have all done things we aren’t proud of and it’s time we all accepted and loved ourselves anyway. It feels tense to me to know something so small can make any of us feel wrong or ashamed.

How does it happen that we feel like a burden over wanting to text? A drunk text should be something to giggle about. An “oopsie…whatevs. just thinkin about you.”

Maybe a lot of it has to do with how we approach the situation ourselves. If we are tense and coiled they must respond in kind?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:43am
534: Femininewoman says:

If u cdate you won’t wonder. He will be one in a sea of men. You might even forget his name.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:46am
535: Smile says:

Receiving girl, my art work arrived today finally! I can’t wait to buy frames and get the on my wall.

I feel calm and smiley when I see the pictures  they have bought joy to my life.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:46am
536: MissStix says:

FW to Memuolo

Wise words!

Say nothing Memuolo! Figure out something you would love to do and get caught up in, and go do it! Love it, and absorb the good feelings the activity brings. Really feel it!

When he contacts you again (and he will) come here for help if you need it, or if you feel confident just come from a place of honesty and respect with your words.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:47am
537: Smile says:

I was in awe of my friend on her wedding day! She has great love in her life. 

I felt so happy and blessed to be a part of it!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:48am
538: Femininewoman says:

Smile congrats. Soak it in and think of ways to share this passion in words with the world

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:48am
539: Smile says:

Jasmine- I thought of you as my friends auntie read the verse ‘ love is patient, love is kind’ I also thought about you as we danced to the last song of the night which happened to be ‘ I had the time of my life’ from the film dirty dancing. If you still haven’t seen the film, maybe you could YouTube this song? It was such fun dancing with my friends.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:51am
540: Jasmine says:

Smile,

Awww thank you!! That felt so nice to read. I still haven’t watched the movie, I always forget! I’ll google the song right now.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:55am
541: Femininewoman says:

Smile that sounds like a very sensual experience

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:06am
542: Memulo says:

Yes I am on my way to zumba and swimming. Will think about my boundary

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:07am
543: Smile says:

The biggest challenge of my journey has been achieved for me and it makes me feel honest and high quality.

I genuinely can feel happy for my friends without being over come by jealousy. I feel a better friend because I can be happy for what they have. It feels great to give and help them just because I can! I loved hearing people saying how thoughtful I am in our friendship.

I feel overwhelmed that I can receive compliments and not question this. My self esteem Is high on a pedestal and I don’t feel guilty or showy off about it. It feels genuine. Wow what a shift in my thinking!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:10am
544: Smile says:

Thanks FW, feeling sensual is a new feeling for me and it feels great!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:11am
545: Starla says:

I love humans
I LOVE humans

i am feeling unafraid

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:21am
546: Smile says:

I love how I have learned to be appreciative of nice things around me but not ne materialistic. My fresh bedding smells great, it feels so soft on my skin, my room is now a clean, fresh haven. It would feel great to buy some new cushions to go on my bed to match my new pictures. It feels good when colours compliment each other. I’ve seen some nice velour cushions in a shop, that would feel sensuous!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:28am
547: sunflower says:

I am feeling a resistance in me about going on a date with men I don’t connect with. I feel not curious, and begin to postpone dates…It feels difficult…

I feel like going dates with men who feel interesting and quality to me…hmmm I know I am doing it all wrong..

I feel like leaning forward and sending brief I like your profile ‘clicks’ to 10 men online, and see who responds, and how..

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:30am
548: Starla says:

I feel like loving on me

I feel like flossing my teeth.
What else?
I feel like picking up the mess in my apartment.
What else?
I feel like cleaning my bathroom.
What else?
I feel like preparing myself breakfast.
What else?
I feel like cleaning out my fridge.
What else?
I feel like clipping my toenails.
What else?
I feel like calling my best friend.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:37am
549: Smile says:

I love feeling! I’m such a feeling siren! Yey me!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:39am
550: Smile says:

I feel like practising walking in my new heels so I don’t feel pain next week when I have to wear them all day and eve!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:41am
551: Starla says:

I attract men who are straight up about liking me and are fun and respectful and generous and they always contact me the day after our dates to tell me how much they enjoyed it and that they want to do it again very soon.

It feels really nice:)

Shift shift shift shift

here i am in a new dimension

The psychic healer I went to go see told me the reason CF suddenly just disappeared out of basically nowhere after so long of us seeing each other was that my dimensions just shifted (something I had been calling in) and that I jumped rather abruptly to a new dimension (a better dimension!).

And it did all shift. My whole life shifted very very quickly and with very little effort on my part. I just opened my arms to what the universe brought me and listened/obeyed the cues, and here I am, happy, healthy, super fit, sweet, receiving sweetness all the time, living in abundance.

I love life
I love me
I love humans
I love life
I love me
I love humans

I wish I could convey in words all the loveliness and blessings I am feeling in my big swollen heart

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:42am
552: Smile says:

Wearing heels makes me feel womanly and feminine

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:43am
553: Radlove says:

Sunshine,

452 – “what if i offend or upset someone by me being who i am? i dont know why but i wonder that. what if I dont agree with someone, it will cause a problem, or even uncomfortability thats how I feel and think sometimes. i even wondered, if I am fully me and my potential, will my family think Im strange because Im not sweet and shy like who they think I am? will it be uncomfortable for them?”

Stating who you are is outside your comfort zone.

I can relate, and I have been turning it into my comfort zone, and feeling out how to relate to others, by practicing. A lot of my practice has been on this blog, and I will be candid: as Rori suggested a while back, I often try out my “squeaky voice”, as she called it, on the blog, where it’s relatively safe…safe as in the women here are not in my every day life; they are all practicing too; and it’s written, not face to face, so it’s not quite as scary.

For example, April Rose, Emoticon, and I were fooling around with nasty names at each other. I stopped it because I agreed that it created a negative energy, and I didn’t want to do that to everyone. But I seriously found it helpful to practice being “a b!tch! Because in many social contexts, it was alien to me to be anything but “sweet”.

At other times, I have let the scared little girl out of me on the blog, who is terrified of someone disapproving of her.

Early in my quest to find myself, I overcompensated and went from being mealy mouthed to being abrasive and angry. I found a lot of people were turned off, so I adjusted my tone.

When I found Rori’s materials and blog, it was like finding a gold mine! It took a huge amount of the trial and error out of it, and I was able to just work on solid relational skills.

As much as we dislike making errors, I guess that is a part of learning, as R recently pointed out to me. I encourage you to try out your squeaky voice here, as well as in your every day life.

If you want to talk about specific scenarios, feel free to run it by us, as to how to deal with them.

For me, a lot of the transition with my family was going from being treated like an eternal child to cultivating and gaining respect as an adult. I gradually broke out of my comfort zone and let my thoughts and feelings be known.

My therapist helped me understand that as I change the dynamics of well-established relationships, it WILL create a vacuum…

…and to be prepared for the backlash, because often the other person in that relationship will try to fill that vacuum. That often looks like anger, accusation, judgmentalism, and the like.

So I just decided to be firm in my decisions about who I was and how I chose to relate. If someone yelled at me for “daring” to express myself, I would say, “I have a right to express my thoughts and feelings.” If I got interrupted and yelled at more in the midst of that sentence, I would say it again, more firmly (horrors!!)!

“I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!!”

It feels empowering to stand in my personal authority, and I am still in process.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:43am
554: Smile says:

I feel like a dancer in my new ballroom dancing shoes

I feel giggly wearing them with my pyjama bottoms whilst I cook tea

Who knew how many feelings a pair of shoes could make you feel!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:46am
555: Radlove says:

Smile,

551 – Wearing heels makes my feet hurt like crazy and I lose my balance!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:48am
556: Radlove says:

(((Jasmine)))

530

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:51am
557: Smile says:

554- I’m not use to them either which is why I’m practising around the house before I’m bridesmaid next week and have to wear them all day. That feels painful and exhausting at the minute so I’m trying to shift that. I love my flat shoes. That feels more comfortable and familiar

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:52am
558: Smile says:

Black currant cordial feels thirst quenching

A glass of red wine with my tea makes me feel grown up and sophisticated

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:55am
559: Smile says:

I feel great admiration for the strength and determination shown by the athletes competing in the 2012 Olympic games.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:10am
560: Starla says:

you inspired me, Smile:) i put on some shoes i need to break in and i feel so fun and flirty and sassy hehehehe

made breakfast for myself:) CHECK!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:18am
561: Radlove says:

Smile,

557 – Black currant cordial feels thirst quenching and elegant! I love the sound of the words together!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:25am
562: Smile says:

Starla yey! They sound fun feelings to experience!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:26am
563: Smile says:

560- radlove that does feel good to read those words together! I love the word elegant, I shall try and use this more.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:28am
564: P-lala says:

My future daughter-in-law, her mother and I are all going to a local castle to have an English tea party. I feel so girly and pampered.

I’ve been overfunctioning with K today…for no other reason than habit. So, this little girl’s CD will be a great diversion and fun way to refresh my heart by practicing being a queen for a few hours.

Hope you all have a wonderful day! (((SIRENS)))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:28am
565: Smile says:

Strumming man just texed and I was totally in feeling mode, it made it so much easier to respond. I didn’t feel awkward about choosing my words. It felt more natural in my response.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:31am
566: Smile says:

P lala do you live in England? I had afternoon tea last weekend in York. I felt pampered too. Enjoy, this sounds like a lovely day!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:33am
567: P-lala says:

Smile,

No, I live in Colorado, USA. The founder of our city built a castle in a valley for his family and it is now a conference center. They hold English teas for the public and it’s so beautiful. Quite often we will have deer, Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep and wild turkeys wondering the property. Yes, I think it will be a lovely day. I wish I could share photographs with you all!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:38am
568: Francesca says:

I feel tired today.

I didn’t sleep enough and I don’t feel like doing anything.

So I’m not doing anything.

I’m just relaxing.

I was supposed to clean my apartment but it feels overwhelming today.

It’s so hot and there’s still no rain in the forecast.

I want some rain soon please.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:40am
569: Tam says:

Fw, thank you. The date was fun and the conversation flowed. It was friendly and easy, we might meet again, might not.
He did say that he liked me but he knows I am off again soon. But I made a nice new friend and feel grateful.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:42am
570: MissStix says:

smile

Right now you are uplifting me!! Your positivity is infectious!

Thank you!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:44am
571: Smile says:

Miss stix thank you, that makes me feel valued!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:49am
572: Smile says:

P lala, I love that you are in Colorado having English afternoon tea! I am in England. I wonder if we could join the Facebook group? I feel sheepish about revealing my identity not to you sirens, that I would love to share but I have an unusual name and would easily be identifiable.

Maybe you could tell us about it on your return, I would love to hear about it!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:53am
573: P-lala says:

Smile,

I’ll tell you all about it! I’m considering joining the FB group under a fictitious name.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:58am
574: Smile says:

P lala, a separate account would feel more secure to me too.

Have fun!!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:00am
575: Smile says:

Sirens, I’m texting with strumming man. I would love your confirmation about asking him about why he didn’t respond to his invite? I considered this behaviour rude not getting back to me when he said he would. A week later he said did I not get his message on fb? We never talk on Facebook and I feel this was his attempt at reeling back him ignoring the invite.

I want to write…” I feel curious about your invite to the wedding?”

What do you think sirens, I’ve suddenly lost a bit of confidence in my ability to communicate but I am getting stronger at this! I would just appreciate advice.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:04am
576: Iamabutterfly says:

God is so good! It feels frustrating that I don’t understand why I fall apart emotionally sometimes, but it places me in a place of prayer and surrender, and blessings overflow. I feel blessed.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:15am
577: Francesca says:

Smile,

I would first mention the FB thing.

Since you never talk on FB, why does he think you would see something you never received?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:18am
578: Belle says:

P-lala..!!

I posted a few days ago unthinkingly as Sunshine because I use it on another site, forgetting my new name here and that there is another Sunshine already and now I’m wondering if I’m telling MYSELF something!!

I feel soft and delighted, imagining you having tea in Colorado.

Sunshine,

452 – “what if i offend or upset someone by me being who i am? i dont know why but i wonder that. what if I dont agree with someone, it will cause a problem, or even uncomfortability”

So what if they are? When my mind has gotten stuck on a question I have found it helpful to think it though…”then what happens? and then what happens? and after that? and after that? and then?” Once I see where it ends up my mind isn’t stuck on the “unknown terror” and moves on. There’s nothing wrong with offending anyone, nothing wrong with discomfort, for you or your family. It probably wasn’t comfortable when your teeth first came in, or the first time you skinned a knee, or when your parents sent you off to school the first time. Discomfort often comes with growth and if you search your memory banks you’ll probably find lots of examples where you’ve already experienced discomfort, lived through it and can see it’s not to be feared. It feels challenging sometimes to stand in the tension of the vacuum that Radlove mentions, and the feelings try so hard to convince me I will die if I feel them, but I always come out the other side feeling like a Rock Star (thanks Rori!).

I feel so much appreciation for all of the suggestions here for taking the focus off of the man and pointing your feet away. It’s exactly what I used, mentally, when I turned away from longing for a particular friend and turned toward the friend who loves and cherishes me, who wants me and has a place for me in her life.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:31am
579: Smile says:

Francesca, I think it was an excuse. I don’t think he ever sent one. When I asked he said it was weird as he def sent it. I joked and replied that it must have got lost in cyber space as I dint want to accuse him of lying. Were now talking about the wedding via text. I can’t stuff my feeling of curiosity. I want to know why he didn’t respond when he said he would? The fb message ‘if he did send one’ was still a week after he should have responded. I don’t feel comfortable talking about how the wedding went with him when he was meant to be there and I don’t know why he wasn’t. He never replied?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:35am
580: Daria says:

Smile – Uhoh the way it’s written I feel tight in my chest

It sounds like it might come across blamy

Especially where ‘rude’ is a judgement id want to sink into my feelings and only use feeling messages and don’t wants and what do you think in this convo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:36am
581: Daria says:

Smile write out here and translate to a feeling message script here

Like

I’m still feeling a bit mad about the wedding

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:38am
582: Smile says:

Maybe I could write

I feel curious about your invite to the wedding. I’m confused about why you say you replied a week later on fb when we usually talk via phone or text?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:39am
583: Smile says:

Daria, thank you for your advice.I feel appreciative of your opinion.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:42am
584: Francesca says:

Sorry, Smile, I didn’t know you already discussed that.

Either way, I would not appreciate a man lying to me that way.

I would feel angry and wonder if he thinks I’m stupid enough to miss a post on FB, especially one from him.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:54am
585: Smile says:

581- hm this still feels blamey to me.

Does this sound better?

I feel curious and confused about your invite to the wedding?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:54am
586: Smile says:

Francesca, I think he is trying to say it just didn’t send rather than I missed it. He’s blaming technology for his lack of response as I believe he was feeling guilty for not responding.

In a weird way I am past feeling angry in my response, more confused?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:00pm
587: Francesca says:

My boss did something similar to me a few weeks ago.

We had what I will call a “misunderstanding” and I guess she felt she couldn’t trust me with the invoice program so she took some rights away from me.

When things got back to normal between us, I told her there were a few things I couldn’t do anymore in the program, she said “oh, I don’t know what happened, I must’ve clicked a box by mistake!”

All the while I knew she was just telling me a white lie but didn’t mention anything.

But I hated that she couldn’t just tell me the truth.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:01pm
588: Francesca says:

But since you said you never talk about the wedding on FB, don’t you feel he was just trying to make himself look less “guilty” by omission?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:05pm
589: Smile says:

Excuses feel bad to me but I don’t want to not say anything. I don’t want to accuse him of lying which would be blamey and you never know it may have genuinely not have sent!

That’s why I’m thing to send that I’m feeling curious and confused?

What do you think?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:06pm
590: Smile says:

Since I didn’t receive your message about the wedding invite you sent on fb, I feel curious about your response to the wedding invite?

Does this feel better to read?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:09pm
591: Francesca says:

Well, you know him better than I do, for one, and I understand you don’t want to accuse him of anything.

It just sounds curious, that’s all.

Go ahead and send that one, since it describes the way you feel, except maybe delete the second “wedding invite”?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:14pm
592: Smile says:

Thank you Francesca  it helps to work through scripts on here

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:17pm
593: Francesca says:

You’re welcome!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:20pm
594: Jasmine says:

Forgiveness to me!!! So much forgiveness to me!!!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:21pm
595: Smile says:

I have lit scented candles around my living room as dusk falls. I feel relaxed.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:29pm
596: Smile says:

(((Jasmine)))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:30pm
597: Jasmine says:

I feel hurt angry disappointed mad. I want to explode!!!

I should’ve stopped this when I could stupid stupid stupid.

Never making the same mistakes again, never never never!!!!!!!!!

I need so much forgiveness I hate all the things that I did. Love to me, love to me. So much love to me.

My heart is pounding so hard

My chest feels so tight

DAMMMMNNNN ITTTTT

((((((I want to explode))))))))))))))))))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:32pm
598: Daria says:

(((((((((Jasmine))))))))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:36pm
599: Francesca says:

(((Jasmine)))

We all learn from our mistakes.

Please don’t beat yourself up like this.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:36pm
600: Starla says:

I took myself for a run to my favorite park and I got on the swings and monkey bars and did handstands against my new favorite tree

((((((((((((me))))))))))))
(((((((((((grass))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((trees)))))))))))))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:36pm
601: Jasmine says:

Omg I’ve never felt so angry in my life.

I AM SO ANGRYYYYY

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:37pm
602: Jasmine says:

I’m so breaking down.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:38pm
603: Daria says:

I feel horrible

I give myself permission to feel wonderful

I give myself permission to focus only in myself

Right now
I want to feel relaxed

I feel relaxed and I’m judging it as ‘tired’

I give myself permission to remember my healing feeling thoughts

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:39pm
604: Smile says:

I managed to communicate my feelings.

He couldn’t come due to time off work which was my assumption.

His final text message was: I am sorry ;( x

I’m just going to leave it at that. I don’t feel like there is anything to respond to. The sweet person in me wants to receive the apology and lean forward to tell him this?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:44pm
605: Smile says:

How do you acknowledge an apology? This has never happened to me before via text. Face to face is different, you don’t always have to rely on words.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:52pm
606: Francesca says:

I would say something like “I feel better now that we have talked about it” with a smiley, perhaps.

What do you think?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:56pm
607: Smile says:

That would feel good to write, thank you again 

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 12:58pm
608: Francesca says:

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:01pm
609: Femininewoman says:

Smile I believe it is okay to appreciate the apology. He didn’t have it

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:04pm
610: Femininewoman says:

Jasmine are you convincing yourself to breakdown?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:09pm
611: Jasmine says:

FW,

I am not.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:15pm
612: luzydel says:

I am learning that there is a feminine approach to be financially strong, sexual and independent… As a woman I was conditioned to be “hypocritical” in my approach to money, like it wasn’t important because one day a man will “save” me from it and I will not have worries from it. I am accepting that I am my only “bread winner” and that that does not make me less woman or make me more masculine, I am learning to be thrifty, responsible, and realistic about my money.

Sex is to give me pleasure, when I have it, it is about my body, not to manipulate a man into commitment, but to discover my body. To learn what pleases me without feeling guilty and judging myself for finding enjoyment from it.

I am in bed, resting after waking up early and taking care of some errants, I feel good to be able to provide for me and my son. I am a woman, a siren who owns every part of her life… It is not perfect, but it is mine and I love every part of it. One day a man will be with me, and the relationship will not be a just a compromise, or a battle of forces, or who is who; it will be a collaboration…

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:32pm
613: Francesca says:

Yay, luzydel!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:55pm
614: lilybelly says:

Luzydel~

Yes!! A collaboration! And that is exactly what my relationship looks like and is. He calls us a team and I truly feel that it is.

I wish I could describe the beauty of this. Or, even the feelings but they are too big for words…and I usually am not at a loss for words. LOL!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:57pm
615: LiliBee says:

I feel sad

I’me home alone while D is out partying.

I had told him how I feel disconnected from him and how I miss being romanced.

So he said we would spend the evening together tonight after going to a bday party and staying overnight last night.

1st thing he says this morning “Oh, I forgot we have a party tonight. It’s a party to gather all the vacation group.”
I said “You’re neighbourlady is part of that group, she is surely invited. I don’t feel good about being at a party with her. She interrupts all of my conversations, and doesn’t let me speak to anyone.
Those people saw you and me on vacation together and how things were between us.
Then they saw you on vacation with her and how things were between you and her.
I feel humiliated and ashamed with these people.
I feel weird being there.”
He said “so, what do we do?”
I said “go ahead.”

So he took off without me and said he would call me later. “If she’s not there, you can come. I won’t stay long.”

I’m here alone processing my feelings.
I don’t know what to do.
Maybe I should have gone anyway.
Maybe I should call him, and go if she’s not there.
I don’t feel good just sitting here, feeling miserable and lonely on such a hot sunny Saturday.

I feel angry that he didn’t have compassion for my feelings and didn’t try to convince me to go.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:57pm
616: lilybelly says:

I see the struggles some of our Sirens are going through and it feels painful..almost like a fighting against oneself and I so want to open my arms and say go ahead, fall and I will catch you. Let it all out, it is the only way start the process. Allow yourself to feel scared and angry, and then, you begin. It is scary to drop into that but imo, it is the only way to begin the journey of healing and growing.

The biggest roadblock to my healing (and I am STILL healing and growing; it is a life long process) was myself. When I finally got out of my own way, that is when the magic began.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:58pm
617: Daria says:

Wheatgrass yes

Menudo yeah

I keep naming choices that up my vibe and foods that heal my frequency rather than opp

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:58pm
618: lilybelly says:

Starla, Your trip to the park felt great! I could totally see you doing handstands against your new favorite tree.

I imagine people were smiling seeing you..

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 1:59pm
619: Linda says:

I have been a domestic goddess today !!!! My house is clean, I chased away all the dust bunnies, even vaccumed the lampshades! Gave my dog his much needed bath and my is laundry almost done. Weighed myself and it looks like two more pounds are gone too! woo hoo!

I have been in purge, organize mode for over three weeks now. THere is still more to do. Tomorrow I am going to begin shopping for things to make this home feel done and all MY home. No more temporary conditions mindset about it.

I lost part of myself, left her behind when I divorced . I dont know how or why, but there are things that I love to do and things that I just stopped being and doing. Like, playing my piano, singing, and feathering my nest.

THere are new things that I have discovered about myself that I I love too… like wearing high heels, sexy underwear, larger hooped earings, white skinny jeans, animal print accessories and having lots of blonde highlights in my hair. I love to drive my black beemer and turn the music up loud when I glide down the road!

I am signing up for a dance class and think I will try zumba and yoga, I need to be around water and am still trying to figure out how that is going to happen.I have a vision of what I want to create and how I want to live, and how I will feel when I am with “my Man” someday.

I have neglected ME for too long, tried to be, fit in, and do for others too much. So, right now it ME time, time for me to be in order on all fronts!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:09pm
620: LiliBee says:

When we got home earlier today, he had a message from his ex saying she came in his garage to borrow some tarps while we were out.

I said to him “I don’t feel at home here at your house, I feel like this is her home. She can come and take whatever she wants while we’re not even here. She left you for another man and she is happy with him, so why is she still dependant on you like that? What do you think? ”

He said “I know, she shouldn’t be borrowing my things. I wish she would just go to the store and buy what she needs. I feel used.”

But he won’t tell her, he’s afraid of confrontation and bad vibes for his son’s sake.

He let his neighbourlady and his ex get all the space they want.
I feel not important, and not at my place.
That space should be mine, the space with the vacation group and the space at his house should feel like my space.

I want him to clear the space and make all that space for me!
I don’t want to share my man’s space with any other woman.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:10pm
621: Linda says:

Yes, I want my Magic to begin ! !!!!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:12pm
622: LiliBee says:

I don’t feel important to him right now.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:14pm
623: MissStix says:

Smile!!!

I am in love with your confidence and your openness to inquire about things you feel curious about!

I so often question HOW to say things. A continuos struggle…

I know it’s probably been a while since you posted. I feel compelled to respond anyway!

I think my own approach would look like this..,

“I felt disappointed not to get a response to my invite…I can’t help but wonder why…”

I would also be sure to let him know he CAN say “no” to you. It’s better than silence. My own way of saying it would look like this…

“I just want to let you know for next time it’s ok to tell me you can’t make it. It’s confusing though, when I hear nothing.”

Hoping your convo worked out in a satisfying way!!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:18pm
624: lilybelly says:

620:

Linda, I daresay that your magic IS beginning. All of these things that you are doing for you ARE part of that magic. You are rocking it, girl!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:19pm
625: MissStix says:

(((Linda)))

Your words today feel light, and free and happy!

You are so on the right track It’s all about you right now! <3

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:22pm
626: Daria says:

I feel so happy I ate menudo

My hormones can circulate

In nourished oiled up

In the freshest way

I love my Anti anxiety healing

Haha

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:22pm
627: Butterfly Wings says:

487 MissStix – Oh I’ve been through hell, so am feeling VERY excited about having the BCP out of my system completely.

I just can’t wait to have the old me back – she’s almost there…

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:22pm
628: lilybelly says:

621:

(((((((LiliBee)))))))

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:29pm
629: Daria says:

I’m feeling triggered by the movie I’m watching

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:30pm
630: LiliBee says:

Now I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I should have gone.
I wish I would have said “I need a moment to collect myself, instead of ‘go ahead’.”

Why does it take so long for me to process my feelings?

I would like to be more spontaneous and fearless.
I wish I would have just went and dove in…Trust myself to handle whatever would have happened there…instead of being here by myself feeling sorry for myself.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:30pm
631: LiliBee says:

627:

Thanks for the hugs Lilybelly.

I feel like crying right now, but the tears won’t come out.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:32pm
632: Butterfly Wings says:

Trying to catch up. Argh!

Last night was another strange one.

I went to bed then TH came in and asked me if I minded if he went out to catch up with a few friends.

I responded in a very non-sireny way “Uh, it’s up to you. We are no longer in a relationship so what you do is up to you…”…

He was acting “unsure” about going, and said that he just wanted me to know that he’s just catching up with the boys and he didn’t want me thinking that he’s going out for the wrong reasons, and then came over and kissed me gently on the cheek, then left.

HUH????

This guy is definitely acting weird…. Considering my feelings before making plans is not something he’s particularly good at. So why start doing it now???

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:32pm
633: MissStix says:

smile

As I read further I see that you worked it out in your own way!

Mega props!

I love this response to needed apologies…

“Thank you for your apology! I feel good about this now.”

To un-needed apologies…

“You don’t have to aplogize. It was just (a misunderstanding, mistake etc.) but thank you ”.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:34pm
634: LiliBee says:

Maybe I should just go now.
It’s just 5 minutes from my house.

But then, would I be dishonouring my feelings?

Would he take my feelings seriously after that?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:35pm
635: Rebecca says:

MissStix

Hmmm… I have never thought of my 2 me’s as being masculine or feminine.. That is a very good point.

Thinking about it I think my masculine self always drives any intimate relationship. I feel like I always need to lean forward and take control… Hmmm… I’ve just realised that. I like to swoop men up in my arms… Yikes, whats wrong with me?!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:36pm
636: MissStix says:

((((BW))))

He is so desperately seeking something from you!! I can’t think of what right this moment but i’m gonna roll it around for a while.

He needs something, but what???

Feeling so intrigued by this man in your life….

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:39pm
637: LiliBee says:

631:

Hi (((BW))),

They all do that when they feel the relationship threatened. We have this saying in French: They act that way when they feel the soup is hot (when they are in trouble with their lady).

D pre Las Vegas was like “Is it OK if I go play golf with my friends Saturday? (for 1 day)”
Then coming back from Vegas, he felt he was out of the woods, so he went to “I’m going to Daytona with my friends for a week.”

TH is just sucking up from feeling guilty or in trouble.

Of course we know now it’s not an authentic change.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:40pm
638: LiliBee says:

635:

My guess is: He feels guilty and doesn’t want to be a bad guy.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:43pm
639: Butterfly Wings says:

Hey LiliBee

I’m sorry you’re going through that stuff with D. And I do feel like our lives are almost running in parallel because I’ve often felt the same way with TH.

Re 636, HE is the one who broke it off with me last week, so it’s not like I’m his lady anymore. haha was thinking how NOT like a lady I am sometimes…

But thinking of that, I’ve basically thanked him for ending it between us too, because I finally have that certainty I’ve been craving for so long. So he knows I’m not mad/upset with him anymore…

Oh and when he was talking about going out last night, I said something like “Just as long as we can have that talk soon” (again not very sireny), and he said we’d talk Sunday night (tonight for us) after I’ve dropped my youngest off to her father’s.

So “the talk” happens tonight. Will be interesting to see what happens with that one!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:53pm
640: Francesca says:

LiliBee,

Be your sireny self and go if you feel like going.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:55pm
641: Rebecca says:

Dominique

Thank you for taking the time to write such a kind and detailed response. I feel ‘something’ has really resonated with me. I was intrigued when you wrote about ‘releasing something’.

A few years ago I had a lot of therapy around trapped grief. I’ve never thought of it in those terms before.

At the moment I am feeling ‘desperate’ for this man I like and the feelings are so overwelming.

I will definately work on the inner healing. I guess I just can’t really see how it’s all connected. The problem is, is that I only know how I feel right now. I suppose all I am really thinking is I want my emotional pain to stop right now. I want to erase this man from my memory, go back in time and prevent myself from ever letting anything happen between us.

I supppse I am struggling to see the connection with something inside me that might need to heal, being connected to my broken heart and sense of abandonment now.

I feel really, really confused… Maybe time will tell me? I suppose I’ve just felt like this for so long and even though I’ve unravelled emotional stuff from my past, it hasn’t really made much of a difference to my relationships. Does that make sense? I feel like I’m just going around in circles.

But I don’t mean to sound negative, I still want to stay open.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:55pm
642: MissStix says:

(((lilibee)))

It is ok that you said “go ahead”.

My hope for you is that you can process this and release it before he gets home. Coiling up and worrying feeld destructive. If going to this party felt bad, you did the right thing. Trust in what you do and say. If it feels wrong find a way to feel it then move beyond it. Avoid simmering in it.

When he gets home open yourself to him. Share in his good time (if he had a good time) and be happy for him. Also express your turmoil to him. For me it would sound like this…

“I am so glad you had a good time! I must admit I felt very tumultuous about my decision not to go. I’m ok now, but I get so confused about my feelings around this sometimes.”

I might even thank him…For his patience, and understanding. And acknowlege how difficult it is for him too. The “we do this together” approach.

Love to you!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:58pm
643: LiliBee says:

638:

BW,

That talk should be interesting for sure.

At least you get a talk.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:59pm
644: Francesca says:

I feel triggered.

I feel like I shouldn’t even give advices here.

Everyone else is coming up with better FMs than I do and now I feel like a loser.

My tummy feels tight now.

And I feel like disappearing.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 2:59pm
645: Rebecca says:

Ruth

Yes, I do think being the life of the party masks an inner void in my life. I’m like 2 people with and without alcohol, which I am ashamed to admit.

I guess I feel boring and a bit stupid if I am just plain, old me. Without alcohol I start to feel self conscious and very, very boring indeed!

I have a real complex of never knowing what to talk about when I am in social situations. I feel people often laugh at me if I say something stupid, etc. I guess alcohol gives me confidence… Which in a way is ridiculous but yet it seems to work for me. I seem to become a better person and people like me.

Maybe its like, attracts like. I finf it hard to be with people who are very quiet, or hard work… Hmmm… I wonder what that says about me…? Pfff

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:03pm
646: Rebecca says:

Ruth

Yes, I do think being the life of the party masks an inner void in my life. I’m like 2 people with and without alcohol, which I am ashamed to admit.

I guess I feel boring and a bit stupid if I am just plain, old me. Without alcohol I start to feel self conscious and very, very boring indeed!

I have a real complex of never knowing what to talk about when I am in social situations. I feel people often laugh at me if I say something stupid, etc. I guess alcohol gives me confidence… Which in a way is ridiculous but yet it seems to work for me. I seem to become a better person and people like me.

Maybe its like, attracts like. I finf it hard to be with people who are very quiet, or hard work… Hmmm… I wonder what that says about me…? Pfff

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:03pm
647: Memulo says:

Omg it is 6 pm and I have not heard from him. I feel soooo foolish. How could I say: I need a couple of hours and then we can sleep??
How can he not contact me at all after his ‘Later’??

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:07pm
648: Memulo says:

I see now who I am to him. No illusions.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:09pm
649: MissStix says:

(((francesca)))

I liked your advice to smile!! It felt authentic to me. Don’t stop! You are valuable, and we all need to see many perspectives to learn what is good for us as individuals.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:09pm
650: MissStix says:

lilibee

I didn’t see your comment about going.

If you truely want to be there, will feel good there and it isn’t coming from a place of fear or feeling threatened…Then heck ya you should go! Go and smile and enjoy. Be light and free! When you get home be glad you went and express your gladness!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:13pm
651: MissStix says:

Rebecca

I’m happy my comment exposed something for you!

There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just an aspect of our nature that shouldn’t rule us.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:16pm
652: Butterfly Wings says:

(((LiliBee))) – maybe it’s time to ask him for that talk. Make an “appointment” so to speak?

You’ve told him so many times how you feel but now you don’t feel heard. What’s a FM for that? I’ve been trying to think of one, and all I can come up with is that I feel unimportant, although that’s not a “feeling” either…

Insecure? Afraid? Hmm….

I’ve got to get some scripts ready for tonight too. I HAVE to try to be a siren tonight. I really don’t care about the outcome, but I do want to do this right, so at worst, he and I will go our separate ways as good friends.

This is so very hard, but know that I’m thinking of you and hope you can have that talk soon so you can show what you are truly feeling.

xxxxxx

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:17pm
653: Memulo says:

Or maybe it’s a misunderstanding? I said I am free in a couple of hours, he responded ‘later’ and that was at 10 am. It just doesn’t feel good to ask now.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:18pm
654: LiliBee says:

639: Thank You Francesca.

641: Thank You Miss Stix.

It’s feels good and warming like a great big hug to have your compassion.

I feel neglected and left behind.
He could have made an effort to convince me.
He could have called now to convince me.
He could have convinced me and re-assured me that it would be fine.

I feel abandoned and unimportant.

I wonder if this is me recreating my childhood.

I wonder if I would feel happy to break that pattern if I just up and went to join him.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:22pm
655: MissStix says:

I am feeling energized and excited for my date with G tonight! We are going to the annual “Celebration of light” here in vancouver. It’s a huge fireworks display, and it’s BC day long weekend!

Feeling light and free. Feeling happy and content. Feeling sexy and electric. I will absorb all the good sensory energy tonight and charge myself with it!

I had a luxurios nap with G. We made love twice. Hehe Now I feel exposed but it’s ok. I feel nervous writing this. I feel guilty. That feels weird. I have to release that and just feel happy for myself.

I am planning to get tipsy tonight! I am not driving I feel released from duty. I am going to let go and just feel goid and soar tonight. I’m stoked!

A beautiful shower comes next. I feel a need to lather and pamper and primp. I want to feel fresh and envigorated!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:24pm
656: MissStix says:

I feel irked at my spelling mistakes lol

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:26pm
657: Memulo says:

He called with a question whether I think I am making him wait for too long;)

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:45pm
658: Iamabutterfly says:

wow. I’m going through the ebook again, and having a really hard time imagining my ideal relationship.

I’ve had men be so sweet to me.

Wanting to do my dishes, talking tenderly to me, randomly scoop me up in their arms and hold me.

I had a guy stroke my hair in the parking lot and tell me that I was so beautiful and I felt…angry.

Every time a guy is beyond nice to me it makes me feel…panic. I feel angry and threatened and i want to say “what are you doing? why are you doing that? what do you want from me?”

this makes no sense and it feels sad and scary.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:53pm
659: Iamabutterfly says:

There was one guy a few years ago that I met in my hometown and I fell so hard and fast for him.

He treated me like gold, and it actually didn’t repulse me. He would walk with me, talk with me, listen, offer advice, and everytime we hadn’t seen in each other in a few hours, we were always so excited to see each other and he would scoop me up and hold me and just listen to me. He was always tenderly touching me and I loved it. I felt so safe with him.

but I had to go back to my new home, and he worked about an hour away from my home town, nearly 1000 miles away.

I wonder if I didn’t feel scared because I knew nothing “real” was going to happen?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 3:57pm
660: Dominique says:

Lilibee – Expecting him to read your mind is only setting yourself up for disappointment which you are currently feeling.

There are no shoulds here, yet had you gone, so what if neighbor lady interrupts you. Who says you have to even engage in conversation with her.

I will tell you a little secret about myself. I tend to be soft spoken and can feel uncomfortable in group situations. I sometimes/often feel unheard, and yes I often get interrupted. Yes it feels bad. Yes it hurts.

So I disengage from the hurtful situation, and find someone to talk to one on one where I feel FAR more comfortable.

xxoo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:00pm
661: Dominique says:

Another thought Lilibee. If you feel unimportant, where are YOU neglecting YOU. If this man really places less importance on you than on the ex or the neighbor on a regular basis, then why are you still there.

This is about you not about him. Heal you, he heals, IF he’s the man for you.

xxoo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:14pm
662: Butterfly Wings says:

I’m guilty of expecting TH to know what I am thinking too… This relationship has been a huge learning experience for me!

I know your post was meant for LiliBee, but thank you Dominique – it’s true that we do set yourself up for disappointment when we expect these guys to read our minds…

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:16pm
663: Dominique says:

Rebecca – You’re so welcome.

How about trying this. Focusing less on what happened in the past and more on the now. A lot of our pain has no memories. It just is.

So you gently and patiently, but by bit treat yourself with increasing respect and love. Enjoy yourself for the now and the you in the now, not for what others say or don’t say to you, so or don’t do with you or for you.

Be silly. Laugh at your own jokes. Laugh at yourself, your gaffes and your brilliance.

So for now a little alcohol helps you loosen up. This isn’t such an awful thing as long as it doesn’t take you over. I too can feel more at ease with a little wine.

xxoo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:18pm
664: Dominique says:

Iamabutterfly – Seems like a huge revelation just happened for you here.

xxoo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:21pm
665: Dominique says:

Butterfly Wings –

xxoo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:22pm
666: Annie says:

419: P-lala, says:

Annie,

I feel interested to know more about you. Have you shared your story anywhere that I might be able to learn more?

I was molested by my step father and emotionally abused by both parents.
Nearly every time I expressed a negative feeling e.g< i feel scared, cold, hurt etc.
I was told not to be silly, of course you aren't. You can't possibly be, I find that hard to believe, laughed at teased you name it.
Being angry or sad were just not allowed.
Especially angry, unless it was them.
They were allowed I wasn't.
I was told I was nasty natured and grumpy.
I was told I was oversensitive, had no sense of humor.
The list could go on and on really.
I felt unwanted and unloved not good enough.

I felt completely dependent on her.
My heart hurts recalling it.

I now believe my chemistry radar was well and truly broken and attracted and was attracted to a man who felt familiar I.E like family and the pattern has pretty much been repeated.
We ended up married.I never felt truly, wanted loved or desired though.
Just convenient.
And abandoned, rejected many times.
Yuck! Whatever was I thinking, I feel so bored and turned off by this and now feel repelled.
Don't want him anywhere near me.
Whenever I have expressed any emotion, I have been told the same, I shouldn't feel it, have no reason to etc. And then reasons given to me why I am wrong to feel that way.
I used to then believe them and think I was wrong and I had got the wrong end of the stick and then feel guilty.
I know longer feel this way after finally walking up.
I feel what I feel end of!
They are not me.
My feelings belong to me not them.I feel sad for all the wasted years but it is what it is,
I forgive myself for not knowing the truth.
I now know the truth.

The journey of uncovering this trauma has felt very painful, but with moments of bliss.
I want more moments of bliss and less pain.

I feel exhausted.

Well that's part of my story any way.

Gosh how depressing reading that back!

I have had fun moments too, just not many with my parents or husband.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:23pm
667: LiliBee says:

659:

Hi Dominique,

I always feel so good to have your attention.

I feel really comfortable in group settings. I usually make people laugh, and even end up getting invitations from new people at parties.

This lady and I have a history, and when I tried to talk with her about our issue, she played the victim and turned it against me, then went and told everyone that I’m jealous.
This lady ‘was’ his friend, and he used to encourage her behaviour.
When I told him how I felt, he said it looks like she’s envious of me and manipulates to cut me down.
He told me that he would pay attention to that and would not let her treat me like that again.

He already talked to her about it. He told her that I was in his life to stay, and that she had to respect me.

I see the issue here, is that I don’t trust myself to handle her, and I don’t trust D to take care of me, even after he already has.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:27pm
668: Annie says:

P-lala, what about you what is your story?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:29pm
669: Annie says:

DariaNo Gravatar says:

I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills.”

‘I felt traumatized a lot growing up. I felt safer alone avoiding people. I feel emotionally underdeveloped in some ways.

This is what I feel like

I feel unconfortable writing this

Ugh

I feel synchronized with you Daria.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:30pm
670: Annie says:

I now feel differently though. And it feels better to me to be in my own company than in the presence of people who it feels bad to be around.

I now believe this to be a higher developed social skill than choosing to pretend I feel ok and be in the company of those who I do not feel good around

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:34pm
671: LiliBee says:

D called a half hour ago.

He asked if I wanted him to pick me up.
I live only a 4 minute drive from the party.

He said he didn’t want to stay for very long.
He’s disappointed that not many people showed up.
None of the men’s wives came, it’s like a 10 guy gathering.
Neighbourlady and her husband didn’t even go, they turned down the invitation.

He said he would just eat to be polite coz the host cooked some bbq for them, and he would go home right after.

I said “I was feeling angry. I was expecting you to take care of my “off” feelings before you left. I find it a challenge to be a grown up some times. I feel like a child.
I shoulda went though, I would have been happy to be the only woman there and have all the guys’ attention. lol.”

He said “I’ll see you real soon beautiful.”

This calling me ‘beautiful’ type thing is new since a month.
He never used to call me like that before.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:40pm
672: Memulo says:

He is taking me on a proper date, he planned everything, I am in my pretty dress ready to go soon

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:40pm
673: Sirenity says:

Memulo ,

I must echo FW’s comments.
This sounds like a booty call to me.
No calls or invitations for 2 weeks.
Text suggesting he needs “Advil sex”.
NIL consideration of you and your feelings and NIL consideration of your wants and needs as a woman.

He is offering you nothing except the brief “feel good” of being of use and service to your man and a dose of oxytocin to keep you available . And yes a blow up doll would do the same but is less comforting to hold .

AND he does know he is doing it. he is very stressed and he needs a shoulder to lean on but if you given him the shoulder and the sex now you are kissing good bye to hopes of a relationship with him.

As I understand it you are loving and caring and pliable to his needs . P{lease , this is how i look after my sons ..with strong boundaries. But you are being his MOTHER, not the exciting , tantalising womwn sprite that might just lure him out of his cave and into the sun by being UNavailable.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:41pm
674: Rebecca says:

Dominique

I really do do all this already! I do laugh a lot! I do have fun and I do laugh at myself. But I also gwt triggered. I think it is human nature. I also have to disagree, sometimes looking at our past can help us.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:42pm
675: Memulo says:

Sirenity,

There were calls. No invitations because he felt bad. I will see how it goes. He is getting better, but he is not there yet.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:45pm
676: Sirenity says:

sorry Mem, I didnt see your post about the date..good , great in fact..this helps a little, just think about how freely you dish out the benefits maybe as a message you need more consistency.

I suspect if you DONT talk about his trauma, dont focus at all on him , talk about you and what exciting things you are doing and make it clear you are not the friendly shoulder to lean on, no you are the wonderful exciting woman he needs to pay total attention to. Dont hand hold him, dont mother smother him and just be an exciting sprite that he has to win over ..try that maybe??

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:45pm
677: Sirenity says:

Mem,
I suspect he would have the best time tonight if you just stop all over functioning, dont ask how he feels, dont mention it…if he tries to download on you , make it clear you have more exciting things going on and dont want to be his mother !!

The “care taking ” dynamic is potentially the killer here in my opinion because you arent in a relationship , and because that sort of thing is best kept out of the exciting romantic phase of pursuit.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:50pm
678: mali says:

Lama: I’ve missed you. I feel so connected to you reading your posts <3

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:51pm
679: Iamabutterfly says:

I admit that the first time I just read the ebook, didn’t do the excercises. I feel surprised by how much I want to be married. I don’t think I ever gave myself permission to truly want to be married, and it feels really good to give myself that permission.

I felt surprised by how much I want to be touched. I felt surprised by how much I want to serve my husband. I want him to make me coffee every morning just the way I like it, but I want to be the one making him breakfast.

I felt surprised by how much “me” time I’ll still want. I want to work part-time, and to have time to serve other people in my community by myself.

The main time I want my husband is in the mornings and at nights. I feel pleasantly surprised that I won’t have to have him around all the time!

Imagining this feels so good but a little scary too.

I wasn’t expecting to have memories of my past Imaginary relationships, but I did. I felt sad, but I stopped, like the book suggested.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:53pm
680: Iamabutterfly says:

@677 Mali – aww, I felt so happy reading that! I’ve missed you too, and it’s so strange that you reappear on the blog, I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you’re doing.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 4:56pm
681: Belle says:

Smile

I’m new with the FM’s so this may be clunky but -

“I feel bad bringing this up but the story about the invitation doesn’t make sense to me. I’m feeling like something is off that I can’t put my finger on and it feels bad. I want to feel like I can trust you, and I also want to feel like I can trust my own senses. Is there something I should know? What do you think?”

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:01pm
682: LiliBee says:

660:

Yep Dominique, you hit the nail on the head with that one.

I realized it 3 weeks ago, and have taken very good care of myself since then…Except today.

I see how I neglected myself, by putting my own feelings aside to tell him “go to the party without me” to make ‘him’ happy by considering his feelings 1st.
I would have honoured myself by saying my true feelings on the spot, instead of 3 hours later over the phone when I said “I was feeling angry. I was expecting you to take care of my “off” feelings before you left. I find it a challenge to be a grown up some times. I feel like a child.”

He understood that FM very well and reacted warmly to it.

I pat myself on the back for seeing how I do that.
I put my own feelings last and his 1st.
I make myself less important that way.

‘Noticing’ myself is my 1st step to healing.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:02pm
683: LiliBee says:

Thank You Dominique!

I make more sense to myself now, with your little push in the right direction

I feel lighter.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:06pm
684: mali says:

The Universe works in mysterious ways… makes me feel all twinkly

Your post really resonated with me… I so crave love and affection; I’m physically very affectionate too and love to be held With guys who I judge as “too” eager, I realise I’m partly rejecting myself- the older part of me that used to feel she had to earn people’s love and do anything and everything for them to love me… *sigh*

So maybe this is why I attract lukewarm men? Men who are attracted to me but aren’t ready, maybe… because I’m so scared of true, real intimacy. I feel so scared. I don’t think I’m ready.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:06pm
685: mali says:

Oh gosh.
I’m terrified of true, real intimacy.

What if I’ve been pushing it away all this time?

Wow.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:08pm
686: Iamabutterfly says:

((((Mali))))) – I feel moved by your realizations.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:11pm
687: Iamabutterfly says:

I feel kind of frustrated because I want to know the WHY behind my negative emotions. I know its important to focus on the positive and to really feel the positive feelings, but for some reason, I really want to understand WHY I feel fear and anger when guys are so sweet to me.

I feel afraid that the sweetness is going to be taken away from me.

I feel angry that I’ve been given sweetness and have had it taken away.

Is this a need to control?

I feel confused.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:14pm
688: Iamabutterfly says:

This guy I was dating just dropped off the face of the planet, and i had no idea what happened to him, but we had been dating for months, and he just disappeared without any explanation.

and i saw him again, months later, and he was so nice to meet, and I felt so angry.

feels curious and a bit sad…

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:15pm
689: Erica says:

An aquantince of my boyfriends and I was at our house talking to one of our friends. She was going on and on about how my boyfriend wanted to be with her. When my boyfriend and I found out, we both decided to not talk to her or associate with her any longer. We have another mutual friend that is friends with this girl and he, upon my boyfriends request, borrowed something from the girl that was disrespecting us in our home. I got angry with my boyfriend for going against his word and associating with her. His response was that it was not wrong because he had our OTHER mutual friend ask her to borrow something and he did not DIRECTLY ask her. I said he was disrespecting me and he does not agree.
Who is right in this situation?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:15pm
690: Iamabutterfly says:

now I want to know why guys leave and come back without any explanation. Something about that doesn’t feel right or fair. and I know life isn’t right or fair, but in my ideal relationship, I want a man who will communicate what’s going on with him.

Like, oh, I stopped calling you because I got really busy with work.

or, I feel confused and just need some space.

or, I felt scared because I didn’t know how you felt about me.

Now, I feel angry, because I feel like there’s so much emotional responsibility on the woman in a relationship, and it feels like too much.

Like, you have to be the one to talk about feelings.

That makes me feel angry.
Why does that make me feel angry?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:19pm
691: mali says:

Lama- I feel seen. Thankyou <3

I can see why I feel this way… I'm not emotionally free with my parents because I don't feel safe. They could disown me if I went against their wishes.

I feel scared… I so badly want to be in a safe, loving relationship. But what if I can't heal this? What if I'm never ready?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:19pm
692: Iamabutterfly says:

okay, I’m on Chapter 6 now. I don’t want to forget where I am in the book.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:21pm
693: mali says:

And I feel the same way. I want a guy to EXPLAIN; to communicate, to be open.

When a guy comes across as too sweet to me, I can see I’m rejecting a part of me… I want to heal this.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:21pm
694: Iamabutterfly says:

Mali, I believe you can heal it! You show a desire to heal it by being here, and that’s encouraging. It takes bravery, and I can feel your bravery and it feels empowering!

I feel really embarassed to ask again for like the third time in a year or something, but I’m on my own computer, so this is the perfect time, lol. could I have your email address again?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:25pm
695: P-lala says:

666 Annie,

Thank you so much! Gosh, yes, there is a lot in your story that is sad, but also redemptive and hopeful. I appreciate your sharing so that I can put some context to your comments…it’s really helpful for me to ‘read’ personality/story into a person’s input.

As far as my story goes, we have some similarities.
I felt unseen in my family of origin. While my parents were wonderful, kind people with a good marriage, they were young and had their own difficult stories tha they were processing as my brother and I were growing up.
I was molested, starting at the age of 3, by a neighbor and that was a setup for further abuse throughout my life and I made some bad choices out of my pain. I struggled with deep pain and self-contempt, lots of fear and voicelessness. I medicated with alcohol and drugs from first grade on and discovered the power of sexually acting out when I was in college. I ended up pregnant while still in college, married a man I barely new and divorced after 3 years when he got someone else pregnant. By age 25, I moved 2000 miles away from everything I new to marry another man I didn’t know…thinking he would rescue me from my troubles. things actually got worse when he ended up being emotionally, spiritually and sexually abusive to me and turned some of that abuse on my son. Because I never really grew up, and like you didn’t know the truth about my own value, I stayed in this situation for 15 years. 8 years ago, I started counseling for my sexual trauma, left my husband and discovered my self and stepped into the life I was meant to live.

Today, I am relearning how to do relationship as a woman who understands her worth and will not sacrifice herself just to have a warm body beside her at night…and I’m receiving the love I deserve every day from a man that longs, simply, to add to my happiness and make each moment more beautiful than the one before. It’s revolutionary and scary and wonderful

That’s me in a nutshell.
It’s nice to meet you, Annie.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:25pm
696: mali says:

Aww Lama, I feel blushy. That means a lot, I can feel your support… it gives me hope <3

Haha actually I was hinking the same thing, but felt too embarrassed to bring it up! Sure- mali.siren10@gmail.com

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:32pm
697: Iamabutterfly says:

I’m home alone in my apartment on a Saturday night with no concrete plans and I feel so great!

It feels so nice to just be reading and here with the soft light and the soft music and just feeling safe and happy by myself, learning about myself.

I feel surprised that I can feel so happy just being by myself and with myself.

Feels great, and being able to come here on the blog and “talk” to people feels great too.

I feel so thankful.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 5:32pm
698: Dominique says:

Lilibee – #666 – Best way to handle someone like this is to ignore them, completely. Defuses the energy very quickly.

xxoo

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 6:49pm
699: Memulo says:

He wasn’t trying to have s-x with me on a short notice. He walked me home after dinner.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:14pm
700: Memulo says:

I was upset. I said I didn’t want to go. I stopped in the middle of the street and said I didn’t want to. He said he is not himself, he is not feeling good. Maybe after he sees the child for the first time he will feel better. I said I feel bad, it feels as if I am there just for fun, just to go out and have a good time. But I am not, I never was. I want to share the good and the bad.

he said he feels bad, he doesn’t want me to be upset. He will see me soon. He needs to see the child to feel better.

I am not happy with myself, like P-lala said I behaved like I wanted even more from him when he is not in a position to give much.

I still feel that I spoke my truth. It was a wrong thing to do what I did, but I got emotional.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 7:37pm
701: LiliBee says:

698:

Dominique,

I would walk away, she would just persist and do worse to provoke me.

Anyway, I just did what a good siren is not supposed to do.

Sitting here, I felt more and more weird and suspicious about his behaviour as time went on and he didn’t call and didn’t show up when he said he would.

I drove to the party to find out.
When I got there and met up with him,
I told him I forgot something in the car today and needed to retrieve it.
He said “it can wait”.
I said “no it can’t, we need to talk.”

He had said that I wouldn’t have fun coz there were no women there for me to talk to, just men.
That wasn’t true, there was a whole bunch of people I knew and they were all happy to see me.
He had also said that neighbourlady wasn’t there, and she was without her husband.

I got really triggered at being lied to and manipulated like that into not coming to the party.
I said so many accusations.

I said “you begged me for another chance, and I told you it was zero tolerance for lying and manipulation for me.
You told me we would spend a quiet night alone together tonight, and this party popped up out of the blue this morning.
You called me earlier and lied to dissuade me from coming here.
You told me you were grabbing a bite to eat and were coming home early to be with me, and you didn’t.
What am I doing here waisting my time and energy with someone who I am obviously less important than anyone or anything else.
You let your neighbourlady invade your private life and takeover all my space, and now she is part of your social life without her husband and without me.
You promised me you would be alone with me tonight, and you’d rather be here with her.
I thing it’s time I learned.

He said something, I don’t even remember what, and I lost it and slapped him.

I said “I never thought in a million years I could slap you. I hope I insulted you enough for you to stop coming after me and leave me alone.”

I’m a real dram queen for having created this whole ridiculous drama.
I feel ridiculous,
I feel angry.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:05pm
702: Butterfly Wings says:

(((LiliBee)))!!! I would’ve reacted in exactly the same way, siren or not!

I wish I lived over there so I could come over and give you a huge real hug.

D is an idiot. xxxxxxxxx

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:18pm
703: Memulo says:

LiliBee,

What you said feels very powerful to me.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 8:36pm
704: LiliBee says:

Thank You BW and Memulo for your support.

When I got there, he wasn’t sitting with neighbourlady. They were sitting in 2 seperate groups way apart.
She doesn’t really matter.
What matters is I’ve been promised an evening alone together, and there is always something more important than that.
He just doesn’t want any intimacy with me, he will always have some important party and some important material things to pay for to keep himself working overtime.

Bottom line: He is not making room for me in his life.
I create all this drama to avoid intimacy even further.
Why don’t I just find a man that can do intimacy?

Am I that afraid of intimacy?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:00pm
705: LiliBee says:

And he still owes money from our June trip.

He’s been saying for 3 weeks that he has the money, he just keeps forgetting.

I want my money tomorrow, no more waiting for nothing!

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:11pm
706: LiliBee says:

BW,

Did you have the talk yet?

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 9:16pm
707: Femininewoman says:

aaaaawwww LiliBee

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:25pm
708: Turquoise says:

Aww Lillebee, this reminds me that people don’t usually change very much. He is social and wants to be around groups of people and have fun. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it’s just different than what you want. So do you love him enough to accept him the way he is, and find a way for that to work for you, or do you walk away and hope to find someone else?

The working hard thing and wanting overtime…. can you reframe that, because I don’t see that as a sign or a symptom that someone doesn’t want intimacy, because they want to earn enough to support a lifestyle they want.

I understand that you want him to spend more time with you and feel he’s choosing these things over you. But you sound soooo pouty, not like the siren that was so busy enjoying her life, doing her own thing, focused on herself that inspired him to want to be with you so much and to give up things in order to do that. I’m sorry, I don’t normally take the guys side, and don’t want you to feel that I’m making you wrong, I don’t mean for it to sound that way. I’m just wondering how you might be able to turn this around rather than feeling the need to bolt from the relationship.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 10:37pm
709: Sunshine says:

I feel this evening complete anger. My roomate is disgusting, she doesnt clean up after herself and leaves the kitchen filthy. Grease is spread over the stove top and this dishes are moldy and smell like a garbage can (she leaves them there with all the oil, sticky food and grease for weeks. Im so angry right now however feel intimidated she does not take criticism well and to express my anger is very difficult. What am I to do? she is quite scary when angry…a diva. I feel hot piercing coal in the middle of my chest and the nerves in my stomach tingle and shaking like cables. I feel so angry that she doesnt respect me. How can I find the strength in me to tell her? i feel scared and incredibly anxious

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:06pm
710: R.N.AmazingMe says:

So yeah um had a disagreement with pop-pop today. I am just so sick of his maryter ways. First he texts my daughter not me asking me if I was picking up my son from home. We were at sister’s house friends coming over for bbq which mom and him were both coming to when mom got off work. I told him no I am not picking him up at that time because nothing is going on at moment and he could just come with them. Instead of me dropping leaving my friend who is reason for gathering she is moving to Texas. I told him he could wait but no he threw a big fit because son was bored. I am telling son he can wait so no instead he acts like a jerkkkkk and says forget it and brings my son and drops him off and speeds off. Well his coward self and this behavior is becoming normal. I am tired of the negative, I want to be around positive. NOthing positive there right now, and I am tired of feeling like I have to deal with this because I owe them soo much. I do not want to feel like this anymore. It feels awful and I know the answer is me moving. I need my own space and I really and honset believe they need time to themselves too. It is too much on me walking around feeling like I don’t know who I am going to make mad. The tense feelings with and all the stress with just that alone is too much

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:13pm
711: R.N.AmazingMe says:

I do not clean the way my mother wants things clean, therefore now according to her I do not clean. I am a filthy person all the sudden. Just because I do not want to clean 24/7…

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:18pm
712: Rebecca says:

LiliBee

Wow, you spoke your truth. I think it sounds very powerful to me.

It sounds like you had so much resentment inside you that it just erupted. I know that feeling – I have just gone through somethibg similar.

At the end of the day you has two choices. You could have put up with accepting crumbs, or telling him that you didn’t want to accept that. I feel that you did the right thing as a siren.

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:45pm
713: Rebecca says:

I saw a pyschologist years ago and she says I’m someone who always wants to ‘smooth over the cracks’. I find it hard not to want to make things better…

I want to email H my neighbour and ‘make things better’. I am sad because I know I will never see him again. He has gone away for good.

Hmmm… That expression springs to mind, papering over the cracks…

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:48pm
714: Rebecca says:

Gosh, I feel worried that I waffle on too much about my neighbour… I will call him H from now on. Once I start I can’t stop… But its weird now he’s gone.. Maybe I’ll stop needing to talk about it.. Gee’s I feel so pathetic.. I really do..

Saturday, 4 August 2012 @ 11:51pm
715: Sunshine says:

Rebecca i feel bad that you feel pathetic, because it feels good to open up here. well, sometimes it feels embarrassing, shameful, and uncomfortable for fear of being judged that is how I feel. but, I feel its safest here than most places…anyway I feel that its normal to feel that way go on and vent

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:12am
716: MissStix says:

ugh tonite did not go as I thought it would.

Earlier in the day I got triggered.

I was offered an iced capp out of the blue, and accepted. We had to stop at a store, and I thought how sweet it was to offer me a treat. On the way there the offer was revoked. “I think iwant to change my mind on the iced capp. I don’t want to spend money frivilously.” Sure…ok totally fine. I didn’t ask for it or need it. No big deal. But I was thirsty so when we got there I went to the fridge to look for a drink. he says “If you really want the iced capp just get it.” In a frustrated tone of voice. I said “I didn’t ask for an iced capp and I don’t want an iced capp i’m just thirsty.”

What is this? Such a thing with him. It just made me feel really annoyed. Sometimes I just want to say “You are really pissing me off!! Don’t offer me anything if you don’t want to give it.” Sometimes he gets really angry if he feels he’s giving too much. Hasn’t happened in a while. Feel weary of filtering my wprds. Done with the dance. I don’t need anything from him. Whatever.

I clammed up so bad today. When he asked me what was wrong I made such a weak attempt at an explanation. Here I am giving advice to people and I tensed and clammed up and all he said in response was “ok”. And got all wierd. I feel so off.

I may feel desires to be single again.

That’s new. Too tired and tipsy to sort that out.

I felt so connected tonight to nature and the night and the beauty of the fireworks. I felt disconnected from the man I was there with. Rush rush rush. Whine, complain. Fine. Don’t have a good time.

I need sleep…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:19am
717: Smile says:

Francesca- I was most unbelievebly grateful to you last night, you were my support in the moment when I needed this blog and you were kind and thoughtful enough to respond. For me to get an apology from him felt good, this has never happened before, we normally just go round in circles. I will probably not hear from him again now for a week or two. He’s hanging on to my saddle as I ride on!

I’m getting more in touch with how I’m feeling everyday, mostly about how everyday object and things around me make me feel. This is helping me to recognise my feelings when they come up about how I feel in relationships with people. Turning these feelings into feeling messages is something I need more help with. I’m learning all the time.

Other sirens will always have another way of scripting the feeling message, a way you have never thought of, a different angle or take on it. Instead of feeling bad about it, can you see it as learning, like I did with you? When you suggested to me how to respond to the apology I literally couldn’t think of anything! Then you suggested a feeling message and I thought ‘perfect’ just what I was looking for. I didn’t need to beat myself up over not having thought about it myself. I am making my own collection of scripts on my computer so I have them. And I can keep practising.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:21am
718: Smile says:

Miss stixs – thank you for your all suggestions with feeling messages, they were very helpful. I am learning soooo much and really appreciated your take on what to say!

I think what you said about letting him know it’s okay to say he can’t go rather than going silent is something I def need to work into a convo. This is a repeating pattern for him. I prob won’t hear again from him now for a good week or two

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:25am
719: Smile says:

Serenity- the advice you gave to memulo I found useful to read. Thank you.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:37am
720: Smile says:

Belle – 681

Thank you! I didn’t find your fm clunky at all, It felt useful to read thank you. I feel I could also use the structure again another time which was helpful too.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:41am
721: Rebecca says:

Sunshine

Thank you! I feel seen and heard

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:54am
722: Ruth says:

Oh my goodness
I feel overwhelmed again
Thank you for sharing your stories, struggles and advice
I am learning so much

I feel so connected to so many of you
I want to respond, but dont know where to start

I will keep reading

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:08am
723: Smile says:

And after all that I wonder why I even wanted him at the wedding in the first place!

It would make me feel happy and secure in a relationship to go to a wedding as a couple. But were not a couple now. That ended when he moved out. Months later, he’s still saying he wants me but has yet to consistently care for my heart in a way that makes me feel good. He’s hanging onto my saddle!

He wrote me a letter to say he wanted to try again. Two weeks later he poofed!

He’s having a hard time caring for his nan. He has to go each night while his parents are away and she keeps disappearing. He had to break the door down because he thought she was dead.

I am not being his crutch during this time. I am proud of myself for staying strong. I want a relationship and will not settle for crumbs.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:10am
724: Smile says:

Hmm I’m making some big decisions about my living situation at the minute for me. I’m thinking about ME. I shall ponder my thoughts and feelings a bit longer.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:12am
725: R.N.AmazingMe says:

I am not trying to say it will be easy or I can live without the help. I just want those to know I am capable of doing it on my own it was just be tough times I am sure. Being a single mom is hard and I feel blesssed with the support of my family. I just need out on my own, need my own space, no Princess just want to feel free

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:14am
726: R.N.AmazingMe says:

My children are the most important and they are the ones I have to keep in consideration. They need to continue at this school they are at now and be with family . So I can move just not too fast

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:19am
727: Butterfly Wings says:

R.N.AmazingMe – I love my family lots, but I cannot live with them! There’s a reason why I moved out at 17, and I’ve been back once or twice (once as a single mother) when I had nowhere else to go.

I moved out as soon as I had money saved to rent my own place though – my parents drive me nuts!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:32am
728: LiliBee says:

708:

Hi Turquoise,

Thank You for you input.
Even if it’s not what I want to hear, it still helps to make me think and feel.

I am very social myself.
But when it gets to be that there are never ever any alone intimate moments, it gets impossible to build a real relationship.

He’s been working every evening at a 2nd job.
We have had a party every single weekend, even 2 on the same weekend on most of the weekends.
Then he gets his son every 2 weekends.

He promised some alone time over the weekend, and didn’t deliver.
He promised some alone time over our 1 week vacation coming up, and he invites people to a party at his house during our vacation time right in front of me without ever having talked to me about it 1st.

I have lost patience talking FMs over and over, him being all receptive and kind but will keep me waiting on the shelf forever.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:46am
729: Butterfly Wings says:

Ick LiliBee. I wish I had some great advice to give, but I’m not sure I’d be much help.

You’ve got to do what is right for you of course, and if that means turning your back on what isn’t serving you, then so be it. Maybe the best thing for you right now is to walk away and start CDing again?

It’s times like this I’d love to say to you “Hey, let’s go out and get a drink somewhere!”. But sadly I’m too far away…. xxxxx

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:52am
730: Butterfly Wings says:

We haven’t had our talk yet but will be doing that later.

Him: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m just feeling a bit yuk. You know I don’t do uncertainty very well…
Him: We’ll talk after B has gone to bed.
Me: Ok
Him: You won’t cry will you?
Me: I’ll do my best not to, but can’t guarantee anything.
Him: What if I say I hate you?
Me: I thought you already did, so it won’t matter.
Him: You know I don’t hate you.
Me: I’m prepared for the worst, so I’m sure I will be ok.

My last response was probably not great, but in saying that, I’m not sure if the “worst” is actually the worst that can happen or the best! lol

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:58am
731: LiliBee says:

Something really hit me the other night:

We were 3 couples having dinner.
D and I were talking to a man.
The man asked how I was dealing with the shared custody, especially since I don’t have kids.
I felt very comfortable opening up to him, a total stranger I’m talking to for the 1st time.
I told how I was in the same spot as this kid at that age, and I had the same character as he does.
I do what my mom’s bf did which earned my respect.

The man tells me he’s a teacher for difficult kids.
He said I was being perfect in the situation.
He said “you know exactly what to do and it’s the best thing to do”.

D wasn’t interested in hearing what I had to say, he didn’t even acknowledge me.

I thought to myself; ” D and I should be talking about that as a couple. My relationship with his son should be important enough to talk about, and we never have time to.”
Why is a stranger interested in knowing how I’m feeling and dealing about D’s son and not D himself as a father?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 2:10am
732: LiliBee says:

729:

I would definitely go for a drink with you BW

At least he makes himself available to talk.

D does his best to avoid talking about stuff.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 2:15am
733: Butterfly Wings says:

TH doesn’t always make himself available to talk. But this time I know he feels obligated to give me this one…

I just want it over and done with. I don’t care what the outcome of this talk is, but I know it will define whether I am truly single or actually in a relationship with him.

There will be no middle ground. I did middle ground for almost two years and nearly drove myself (and you girls!!!) crazy! NO WAY will I go back to that!

I think that’s the biggest boundary I’m about to put on the line and I know it may be a dealbreaker for him. But I must put myself and my needs first, and if he’s not prepared to step up, then I need to walk away from him.

Phew! I feel nervous…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 2:29am
734: Smile says:

Butterfly wings, I can relate to the feeling of being in middle ground too well. I’ve tried to walk away and give clear boundaries, but he’s still there holding on to the saddle. The most important thing for me to acknowledge is that I’m riding on! I’m coping better not having closure. While he’s around I still have things I can learn from him.

Lots of support for your talk later.
((butterfly wings))

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 2:50am
735: Butterfly Wings says:

Thank you Smile. Problem is he’s living in my house right now. If he doesn’t want the relationship, then he has to go, and as hard as it will be for me to tell him that, I know it’s the best thing.

I have a feeling that he won’t want the relationship and that it’s not going to be a “positive” ending for us, but I know what I want and I know what I don’t want, and this time I am not going to accept less than what I am worthy of.

Time to put ME first!!!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 2:54am
736: Smile says:

Butterfly wings, you sound in control. Offer your needs and wants and hope he steps up. Your right though, if he doesn’t step up he can’t live in your house. These things are hard to do but stay strong in your mind to look after your heart xxx

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 2:59am
737: Butterfly Wings says:

I feel like I’m in control, although I also feel a little bit afraid that I’ll crack under pressure.

I think what I will have to do is slow down and take my time before saying anything, so I’m not in a position where I say something I shouldn’t…

And I have to be careful to NOT make him wrong! I don’t feel that he is wrong, but I am sure I sometimes come across that way…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 3:08am
738: Smile says:

Butterfly wings

Take your time in the conversation to pause and gather your feelings. Rori has lots of useful advice if you become ‘emotional’ that you could read. It starts with something like just stopping and putting your hand over your heart …

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 3:15am
739: Butterfly Wings says:

TH just asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t find the words, so I just sent him this (he’s just left to go to the gym):

Sorry I’m acting a little down. I’m over being sick, I’m tired, and I’m really just looking forward to getting rid of some of this uncertainty in my life, so I’m feeling a bit anxious about that too… tonight’s talk will hopefully ease that, regardless of the outcome. Thanks for being so nice the last couple of days too, btw. I feel confused by it but also comforted.

Not sure if it was the “right” thing to say under the circumstances, but whether we are over or not, I do know that he feels “something” for me. It may not be enough, but I think he will respond well to this message.

I just wish I’d been able to say it to his face… I totally suck at this verbalising stuff! :-\

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 3:26am
740: Smile says:

Butterfly wings, this felt honest to me, acknowledging your feelings. Sometimes I find it easier to message than talk face to face because it gives me chance to edit and revise what I want to say. I feel like I’m learning.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 3:41am
741: Tam says:

701 Lilybee…maybe not siren way, but you poke your truth. And you were angry.
I can understand what you did. I also think it was justified. We are humans and not machines.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 3:51am
742: Francesca says:

Smile,

I was tired yesterday…and easily triggered, I guess.

I appreciate the fact that you think I helped you.

I was glad when I did.

But to read other sirens’ suggestions after it was settled was triggering to me and I don’t know why.

I mean, I know why but I feel weird thinking about it now.

It felt like what I said wasn’t enough and other FMs were needed to settle what was already settled.

I don’t know if I’m explaining myself well…I think not.

I’m still feeling confused.

I’m more rested today but still feeling confused.

I guess that’s why I don’t post here much.

I never feel good enough.

I feel vulnerable even when I give advices.

Something for me to ponder.

Thank you for your kind words, though.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 3:56am
743: Tam says:

‘spoke’ your truth..typing is hard
..
I ended up having a double date day yesterday, totally unplanned. First during the daytime and in the evening at a village party a guy I know (10 years younger), came just to see me and we chatted for a couple of hours. It was very nice and though he talked and talked, I didn’t mind that for a change, as I feel so exhausted at the moment, I just let his words come down on me like a warm rain .
I excused myself at midnight and went home to bed.

This morning I woke up again feeling numb. I am not sure if it is my withdrawal from ‘mancrack’ because both guys from yesterday really like me and stay in contact and want to see me again…and they were nice dates. Normally I’d feel on top of the world today, but I just feel blah and numb.
Sure it was better than sitting at home and I practiced leaning back, well I didn’t have to practice it just happened.
But I feel numb. Not elated, not happy, not unhappy, just numb. I don’t like this. I am a passionate, happy person normally and the last 8 months have taken it out of me. I miss mrU and feel sad about how it all turned out. And yet I am snowed under with work, internet dating, sports, even actual dates – and nothing gets me out of my numbness…I hope it stops soon.
I don’t know what else to do.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:04am
744: Butterfly Wings says:

Tam, I find I go numb when I’m unconsciously stuffing my feelings.

As to how to “unstuff” them, I’m not sure. TH had to break up with me last week to get that flow happening, so I’m not sure what advice I can offer there…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:11am
745: Tam says:

BW, thank you. You are quite right. The numbness is just sadness gone stale, basically.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:44am
746: Tam says:

It’s like I haven’t even got the energy to be properly sad anymore. Kind of comfortable, the numbness. Like a sedation, yes, I feel sedated, paralysed, unable to shift the sadness. It just morphed into smth more bearable.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:47am
747: Femininewoman says:

Tam coul be dsionepres

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:49am
748: Smile says:

Francesca, I can appreciate your feelings. For me though i found it useful to hear how other people would have responded because I’m open to learning. Even now it’s past if someone were to offer their feeling message of how they would have said it, I would be open to hearing it.

If you don’t feel comfortable offering advice at times, your support on here is always welcome, even if you don’t have any suggestions, just to have someone to interact with on the blog can be enough. please don’t stop posting. You are very much valued here.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:53am
749: Femininewoman says:

Ooops could be depression

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:55am
750: Smile says:

((tam))

Two dates though! Wow x

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 4:55am
751: Femininewoman says:

BW – “I just wish I’d been able to say it to his face… I totally suck at this verbalising stuff!”

I would make affirmations and intentions around this to shift this belief. These kinds of beliefs will keep you stuck.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:01am
752: Smile says:

Well I didn’t have to wait a week for strumming man to be in contact again.

He texed this morning to appologise in more detail about his lack of contact and to say he should have called.

He then started to feel negative about him self and say he was useless etc. It doesn’t feel good to hear people being negative about themselves. I know this is his healing though.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:04am
753: LiliBee says:

My tears are coming out now.

At last my emotions are flowing out.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:04am
754: Femininewoman says:

BW you do want to crack under the pressure. The crack will allow the emotions to come out. Just don’t spew or throw them at him, pause and allow them to bubble up and feel them even if you have to ask him to give you a second. Then speak them. You want to fully feel them in his presence.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:04am
755: Smile says:

Hmm should I make him aware of this?

Do I just trust that he recognises His negative voices need to be healed?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:06am
756: Smile says:

((lilibee))

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:08am
757: Tam says:

FW yes, guess it must be. Just everything getting to me, kind of a build up from losing job/man/place to live/country I like to be in/my social circle.
I am stuck in my mind and my past. Pff.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:08am
758: LiliBee says:

Thanks for the hug Smile.

I really need those right now.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:10am
759: Tam says:

Wow, Smile – what made him get into contact and apologising – sounds like a change, a shift!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:11am
760: Francesca says:

Smile @ 748

Thanks, I’ll consider that.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:17am
761: Annie says:

Lilibee,
660: Dominique says:

“Another thought Lilibee. If you feel unimportant, where are YOU neglecting YOU. If this man really places less importance on you than on the ex or the neighbor on a regular basis, then why are you still there.

This is about you not about him. Heal you, he heals, IF he’s the man for you.”

xxoo

I feel in agreement with Dominique.

You wrote

“I don’t want to share my man’s space with any other woman.”

Sounds to me like you processed your feelings about this and this is what you higher self is saying.
What do you think?
Is this a deal breaker for you or not?
If it is and this man doesn’t want to step up and be that man he is not ‘your’ man as the right man for you.
Are you CDing?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:18am
762: Francesca says:

(((LiliBee)))

I am proud of you for speaking your truth.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:18am
763: Smile says:

Tam- it was the wedding yesterday. He never acknowledged his invite. Well… He pretended he had sent me a message via fb but I never received it. We don’t communicate on there anyway. Yesterday he asked how the wedding had gone so francesca helped me to ask about why he replied to his invite. It ended with him saying I’m sorry. I received his apology and then that was it. I didn’t expect to hear from him again for a while. He texed me again this morning appologigising in more detail about his morbid of communicating or rather lack of it. He’s now beating himself up in a negative way. He’s got a lot on his plate with his nan. I know I can’t be his emotional crutch but it’s painful to watch someone not feel good enough.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:18am
764: Smile says:

*morbid should have been method! Typo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:20am
765: Femininewoman says:

LiliBee the message in the experience with the stranger that jumped at me in your post is judgementalism and criticism toward D. Maybe overfunctioning regarding his son helps you to feel powerful and smarter than him? He would feel that and his masculine energy would withdraw.

I agree with Turquiose. Quality time might be very important for you to feel truly loved and he might be magician type wanting groups of people to perform for. Then again even though you like quality time, it seems you have asked for alone time quite a bit recently. He might have thought you appreciated the me time so now he could be feeling confused about your reaction in addition to being slapped around like an abused 2 year old. I am assuming he did not react physically. Unfortunately some men would have as that could have been interpreted as a sparring invite.

Reading your comments about the party you feel powerful because of the rage but it also suggested to me you might have issues with trust and respect. I hope you did not slap him in public. I would ask myself where I don’t trust and respect myself.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:20am
766: Annie says:

You too P-lala, Ty for sharing your story.

I feel curious, what therapy did you find was the best way to heal from your sexual trauma?

I feel interested in learning more about this and also helping/supporting others.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:21am
767: Francesca says:

Smile,

Sounds like he needs to “softly” be reassured.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:23am
768: Femininewoman says:

LiliBee he wouldn’t want you to be a better father to his son than you. He might have felt put down in front of the stranger. A magician wants to feel praised in public.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:24am
769: Femininewoman says:

LiliBee this is now twice that you have shared about showing up unannounced. Could it be a pattern for you; what does it say about you? Is it a control issue because you feel out of control in your life? Could it be a trust issue because somewhere deep down you don’t accept this man fully because you don’t accept yourself fully? Some really tough questions to ask yourself to get past superficiality.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:28am
770: Butterfly Wings says:

Eeek. Ok we had the talk and here’s what he has proposed….

He wants me to give it a month. So we are “dating” or whatever we want to call it for 4 weeks, then we will talk again and work out if we want to continue.

At first I was very resistant to that, but then figured it was only 4 weeks, right? He would stay at his house some of that time, giving me the freedom to do what I wanted too. It would also allow me to think about what I want too.

But here’s the big problem…

His recent overseas holiday I wasn’t 100% ok about but figured it was something he’d been planning with the boys for some time now (long before I came along), so would just let it go.

But now he’s talking about going on future holidays with the boys (no girls invited). ICK! I really don’t like that at all!

But how do I express that? I think it could be a dealbreaker for me…

Help…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:32am
771: Annie says:

P-lala, for me where I still feel heartbroken over this is my Stepfathers refusal to take 100 % responsibility for this.
He makes excuses.
Tries to blame me.
Tells me how good he was taking on another mans child and providing for me.
So what if he did that?
How on earth does that excuse the molestation and psychological abuse?
I want him to own what he did,
I suppose I know in my heart that isn’t going to happen as there is no cure for these types of men.

And also I feel so betrayed by my Mother who still choses to share his bed now she knows the truth.
That hurts my heart the most.
More than what he did.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:34am
772: Butterfly Wings says:

Am I asking too much??? :-\

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:34am
773: LiliBee says:

768:

FW,

I do the total opposite than overfunction with his son.
I lean totally back, and I do mean ‘totally’.

I leave them their space and their alone time together.
I never step in to tell D what to do about him.
D steps up about his son very well.

The issue is that he can’t find time to be available to talk about it.
I told him how important it is to me to talk about these things.
He can’t find the time.

He promised me that he would make himself more available to me.
That was a condition for me agreeing to see him again.

I’ve been waiting for over a month to have time alone with him and talk about these things.

He has me wait and wait and wait.
It came up at dinner with a stranger.
He lost his opportunity for us to talk about it alone.

I did not put him down whatsoever.

If he did feel bad, well I asked him to talk about it one on one and he kept me waiting for waaaay too long.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:37am
774: LiliBee says:

768:

FW,

I do the total opposite than overfunction with his son.
I lean totally back, and I do mean ‘totally’.

I leave them their space and their alone time together.
I never step in to tell D what to do about him.
D steps up about his son very well.

The issue is that he can’t find time to be available to talk about it.
I told him how important it is to me to talk about these things.
He can’t find the time.

He promised me that he would make himself more available to me.
That was a condition for me agreeing to see him again.

I’ve been waiting for over a month to have time alone with him and talk about these things.

He has me wait and wait and wait.
It came up at dinner with a stranger.
He lost his opportunity for us to talk about it alone.

I did not put him down whatsoever.

If he did feel bad, well I asked him to talk about it one on one and he kept me waiting for waaaay too long.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:39am
775: LiliBee says:

768:

FW,

I do the total opposite than overfunction with his son.
I lean totally back, and I do mean ‘totally’.

I leave them their space and their alone time together.
I never step in to tell D what to do about him.
D steps up about his son very well.

The issue is that he can’t find time to be available to talk about it.
I told him how important it is to me to talk about these things.
He can’t find the time.

He promised me that he would make himself more available to me.
That was a condition for me agreeing to see him again.

I’ve been waiting for over a month to have time alone with him and talk about these things.

He has me wait and wait and wait.
It came up at dinner with a stranger.
He lost his opportunity for us to talk about it alone.

I did not put him down whatsoever.

If he did feel bad, well I asked him to talk about it one on one and he kept me waiting for waaaay too long.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:39am
776: LiliBee says:

768:

FW,

I do the total opposite than overfunction with his son.
I lean totally back, and I do mean ‘totally’.

I leave them their space and their alone time together.
I never step in to tell D what to do about him.
D steps up about his son very well.

The issue is that he can’t find time to be available to talk about it.
I told him how important it is to me to talk about these things.
He can’t find the time.

He promised me that he would make himself more available to me.
That was a condition for me agreeing to see him again.

I’ve been waiting for over a month to have time alone with him and talk about these things.

He has me wait and wait and wait.
It came up at dinner with a stranger.
He lost his opportunity for us to talk about it alone.

I did not put him down whatsoever.

If he did feel bad, well I asked him to talk about it one on one and he kept me waiting for waaaay too long.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:40am
777: Femininewoman says:

BW why would I want someone who I am just dating living in my house? That is having his cake and eating it. If he wants just dating that means he can do whatever he wants because now he has his freedom back. You should be the one wanting to just date.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:41am
778: Femininewoman says:

BW you should be the one just dating. Why would I want to be living with someone I am just dating? That is having your cake and eating it too. When he is dating he has his freedom back and can do anything he wants. You don’t to ask for anything, just go out and live your life. Exclusivity is what is causing the issue.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:45am
779: LiliBee says:

770:

BW,

I have to agree with FW on this one.

That’s what D was doing for a while.
It doesn’t work.

They want their cake and eat it too.

TH has done that before…and he goes back to it when the going gets tough.

I feel dizzy going around in circles like that…I’m still in that dizzy circle now.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:48am
780: Francesca says:

(((BW)))

I’m not sure how I would deal with that either…

That’s a tough one.

I know guys need “guy” time but since he’s just been on a trip, I would feel triggered by his wanting to go again so soon and I believe I would express that.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:48am
781: smile says:

Thank you franscesca

I like the words ‘softly reassure’ that feels non judgemental.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:50am
782: Butterfly Wings says:

777 FW – he’d be moving his stuff out (he’s doing that tomorrow after work). So I’ll be free to do what I like when he and I aren’t on a date together…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:51am
783: Femininewoman says:

The conversation with the stranger suggested leaning forward to me. It would have been good if you had turned to D to invite him to respond then ask him if it is okay to explain your childhood experience with the stranger.

“I have lost patience talking FMs over and over, him being all receptive and kind but will keep me waiting on the shelf forever.” This comment, to me, is very telling. It includes a story you are telling yourself LiliBee and also suggests to me that you are in the future. Maybe way down on the relationship timeline wanting more. So I am wondering if you have processed this and shared your needs with D or at least thought about sharing them. Who knows, he could be feeling the pressure and trying to avoid it by always working.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:51am
784: Tam says:

Smile, perhaps he gave all that he could with his issues, seems he is in some kind of pain and having low self esteem. Apologising twice is quite something. He knows he has done something wrong and he is sorry.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:52am
785: smile says:

BW – is it your feeling of ‘security’ when he is away with his friends?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:54am
786: LiliBee says:

769:

FW,

That’s exactly it:

“Is it a control issue because you feel out of control in your life? Could it be a trust issue because somewhere deep down you don’t accept this man fully because you don’t accept yourself fully?”

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:55am
787: Femininewoman says:

“TH has done that before…and he goes back to it when the going gets tough”. Bingo.

Could be because of all that has happened he values his freedom more. It might be unconscious but it is there. Loss might be what he really needs to feel in order to want to give up his freedom. Loss as in feeling seriously lost. I believe D felt it but LiliBee still needs to share microspic details of her feelings and deal with your issues that are now coming up to heal.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:57am
788: Annie says:

I feel triggered by FW and Turquoise.

BLURT.
This man deserved a slap for lying IMAO.

If Lilibee had not turned up there how would she have known he was lying?

Lilibee, Do you want a man who lies?
Do you want to be second, third, fourth last on the list or first?

Only you know what you want
And what you want to tolerate.
What do you want?
What’s he offering?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:58am
789: Femininewoman says:

Love brings up anything unlike itself to heal.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:58am
790: Butterfly Wings says:

785 Smile – yeah it could be part of it. He’s not the type to cheat, but yeah I do feel insecure and not valued…

Especially when I see friends and family all around me in new relationships (waayyy newer than mine and TH’s), and they’re going overseas as a couple. I wonder what’s wrong with me that my guy doesn’t want that with me…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:59am
791: Annie says:

Cont.
Do you think what you want and what he is offering are a good compatible match match?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 5:59am
792: Femininewoman says:

Yes he deserved the slap. That was the righteous thing to do. But when it comes to love it is counterintuitive. I have heard Rori and so many other coaches ask “do you want to be right or do you want to be loved”. LiliBee does not want to focus on his lying she wants to focus on feeling her feelings and trusting herself. Following a man around is too draining and strenuous on my heart. If fun and friends are important to a man and he perceives me to be taking that away from him he will find a way to get it. I want to be able to happily send him on his way to get that.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:03am
793: Butterfly Wings says:

787 FW – I actually brought the freedom thing up tonight with him, saying that I wondered if he was missing his freedom by being with me.

But then he said that he was going to make our relationship more “official” when he came back from overseas but then I had my meltdown… but that should be enough proof that it’s not his freedom that’s an issue.

But if he wants his cake and to eat it too, he gets his freedom plus commitment.

I don’t know if I want a guy like that…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:04am
794: smile says:

Tam- I think you are right, his self esteem is very low and he is experiencing a lot of pain. He has been like this for over a year now, only now he is talking more and sharing his feelings. we have talked about him not being able to ‘give’ right now, even though he is trying. He even wrote me a letter a few weeks ago after I asked him to move his stuff out, it feels lately though that he is always appologising.

Through all this somehow I have managed to get in the present moment, as before i was always in the future wanting it to be more, or i was in the past, longing to get back what we once had. This is a tough journey.

As I am finding my way more and learning how to communicate. I feel like this is helping him too.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:04am
795: Femininewoman says:

BW lovely that you are aware of your thoughts and insecurities. These are what you need to deal with now. Again the exclusivity is creating these issues and expectations.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:06am
796: Tam says:

Smile, I guess time will tell.
Are you dating?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:08am
797: Annie says:

Lilibee,

“I thought to myself; ” D and I should be talking about that as a couple. My relationship with his son should be important enough to talk about, and we never have time to.”

As Rori says, a man does what he wants.
Reality, tough love, he doesn’t want to talk about it as a couple.
And in the words of Kate Byron, every time we use the words should or should not we are arguing with reality.

How do you feel when he doesn’t want to involve you in this part of his life?
What do you want?
What is your dealbreaker?
What do you think the best way is to put this in a speech if he turns up and you want to discuss?
Will you walk if he doesn’t want to step up and give you what you want?
Are you in an exclusive relationship?
Or are you CDing?

Hugs X

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:13am
798: Femininewoman says:

I likely would have melted down too BW but maybe into numbness. I have a married friend who leaves his wife at least twice per year to go hang with the boys. Some huge horse racing event here and I believe Dayton 500?? car racing event. They have been doing it for years and his wife just trust he will be good. He says he enjoys it and it would be his wife’s problem if she has an issue with it. She though do this kind of thing with her girlfriends also both at the house and they travel.

I would start dating and moving my attention away from him. Let him go but get the experience of really missing you. Be nice and warm when he shows up, have exciting life experiences to share so he feels off balance. Both loved, longing and uncertainty. He might be too sure that you will always be there.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:13am
799: Femininewoman says:

“I thought to myself; ” D and I should be talking about that as a couple. My relationship with his son should be important enough to talk about, and we never have time to”

The thoughts are very judgemental and critical. Plus very up in your head instead of your body. He must feel this on a very deep level. I don’t think a man can be attracted to you when are are being a “better man than himself”. The “shoulds” clearly show control issues. These are parts of oneself that can be noticed and slathered with love to heal them.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:18am
800: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Lilibee))) (((BW))) (((Annie))) (((Tam)))

I sent BoatGuy a Happy Birthday text. He responded using his pet name for me. Dude, we haven’t spoken since April…don’t you think a pet name is inappropriate??!! I want to respond, “I feel calling me that is only appropriate if we were still dating. Please use my name.” I feel b$tchy saying that, but I feel triggered he did that.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:19am
801: Femininewoman says:

BW you can start preparing your power speech for next time and when he returns from his vacation. Some are in Reconnect where you share about how his pulling back has given you the space to explore within yourself if he is the man you want.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:20am
802: smile says:

I would love to know what you think about this conversation Sirens?

I feel open to hearing your impressions and what you get from this?

Him: I am sorry x

Me: Thank you, I feel better now we have talked about it x (Thanks Francesca!)

Him (the following morning): …I know what you mean about my method of communication. I just feel a complete let down. There was not a great deal I could have done but I know I should have called you…

Me: …I appreciate your thoughts. I just want you to know that it’s okay to tell me you can’t make it, or even if you just did’nt feel like coming. It’s confusing though when I hear nothing… (thanks Miss Stixs)

Him: I know. I am so bad at these things for some reason? …

Me: Sometimes it can feel easier to ignore than to communicate/acknolwledge your feelings. But that doesn’t feel great to me …

Him: It does sound about right. Some men are useless…I think I am one of the useless ones!

Me: I think your quite good usually at expressing how you feel, but sometimes it feels like you get overwhelmed and these are the times I don’t hear from you. What do you think?
I don’t think you are useless..

He is at work now so I wont hear from him for a while I guess.
There was more to the conversation but that was about him asking over my holiday I have coming up soon.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:21am
803: Butterfly Wings says:

785 Smile – yeah it could be part of it. He’s not the type to cheat, but yeah I do feel insecure… but not because of other women as such… or is it? OH i don’t know…???

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:25am
804: Butterfly Wings says:

801 FW – Ooohhh! Good thinking! I will definitely do that! Thank you!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:27am
805: smile says:

Tam- dating…

Thios is new terratory for me. I do not have a dating profile yet. I am warming to the idea but I am enjoying being by myself for the first time since I was 14. I am learning a lot!! Also I dont feel I have time to give to dating just now. My life is so full it’s exhausting, but in a good way. This girl is busy busy busy lol!

One thing I know is I do not want to look for a man while I am out where alchohol is involved. The past few times I have been out, I have been fearful of even making eye contact in a guys perimeter for fear of being pounced on lol! This makes me feel yuck! Like oo get away from me! when I hear cheap chat up lines, it makes me feel like cringing :S

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:28am
806: Femininewoman says:

smile I believe you did well until the last comment. Lots of think and yous. I would have totally left out the “I don’t think”. Maybe I would’ve said “I feel sad and helpless knowing that. I wish I could inspire you to change that thought but I know you are a smart man and will figure it out” or something to that effect. I believe you did a good job with the feeling messages though.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:29am
807: Annie says:

792: “Femininewoman says:”

“Yes he deserved the slap. That was the righteous thing to do. But when it comes to love it is counterintuitive.”

I do feel in agreement with you, however believe the right man for you will still be there even if you lose it and do this.

“LiliBee does not want to focus on his lying she wants to focus on feeling her feelings and trusting herself.”

I feel in agreement and believe we have to turn this around. 180%
Which would be. I do not want to tolerate any lies in my life.
I want to be in an honest relationship where we can discuss things honestly and openly.

“Following a man around is too draining and strenuous on my heart.

Again, feel in agreement.

“If fun and friends are important to a man and he perceives me to be taking that away from him he will find a way to get it. I want to be able to happily send him on his way to get that.”

If it were me he could do what he likes if he wants to go to parties without me where and share his time with other women, then he doesn’t get me, he is not the right man for me.

I don’t want to share my man like that so if he wanted to do that he is not my man.

If another woman is happy to be in a relationship like that and that works for them great.

Sounds to me that lilibee is not a woman who would be happy with that.
And you are.
We all have different wants and needs.

Lilibees wants and needs are exactly right for her.
And the right man for her will be compatible and want to give her what she wants and needs.

I

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:30am
808: Dominique says:

Rebecca – #674 – I’m not suggesting that looking at the past can’t be helpful. It can, yet for you you’ve been doing this with less than move on results which is why I’m suggesting trying another way.

Some of these old traumas and hurts can be deeply embedded. Sometimes they don’t completely go away. Sometimes they come back to haunt us, make us feel bad.

BUT they don’t have to take you over. You can learn to love them and also put them in perspective. You can encourage them to reside for the most part in far away recesses of your psyche, up in the attic or down in the basement. Give them a cozy place to rest there. Embrace them when they show up, and then ask them to leave. Escort them back to their rooms.

I get the sense you are on the brink of a breakthrough here. Try to remain open to it.

Sending love.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:34am
809: smile says:

Butterfly wings, you have lots of things to ponder here, lots of learning/un pickin to be done.

The journeys we are all on feel amazing accomplishments to me
((sirens))

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:34am
810: Dominique says:

Lilibee – #683

And you handled it very well later. He responded beautifully too. Brava.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:37am
811: smile says:

Thanks for your opinion FW

I can toatlly see now how I switched into thinkng rather than feeling for this message. I love the feeling version you suggested! Maybe I will send this to him?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:37am
812: Femininewoman says:

“If it were me he could do what he likes if he wants to go to parties without me”. LiliBee can you recall where you have told him in the past that he can go ahead to social gatherings without you?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:38am
813: Femininewoman says:

Yayy Dominique is here!!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:39am
814: Butterfly Wings says:

Ok so here’s what’s been decided…for now…

1. He is moving out tomorrow.
2. We are having dinner together on Friday to discuss what I have decided (regarding whether the overseas holidays with the boys are a deal breaker or not).
3. If they’re not, then in 4 weeks we will talk again and work out if we want to give things another go, and we will “date” in the meantime.

I feel ok with this (although I’m really not sure about the sex…). Like I’ve put him on the back of my horse for now. If I decide the holiday thing is a deal breaker, then I’ll push him off. Otherwise, in a month we can work out if we want him on my horse or not… hmm….

Am accepting crumbs by doing this? I will be dating, and I have other plans for this month too, and I will consider myself single.

Actually, I told him tonight that I felt afraid that I might meet someone else or enjoy being single and not want to get back together….

Ok preparing power speech now.

So here’s what I might say (please help with this!!):

“All this stuff has made me realise that the way I have been acting may have been the result of my unhappiness, and the resulting anger I felt towards myself for tolerating a situation that made me so unhappy for so long.

I think this break you have proposed will give me the space I need to explore within myself if you are the man I want to share my life with….” (Thanks FW!)

Soooo what do you think??

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:40am
815: Femininewoman says:

Ooh LiliBee you have already shared that. Sorry you are hurting but you have provided some valuable learning experience here for exploration and healing.

I really hope you feel supported around this

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:41am
816: Memulo says:

I did it again this morning.

He texted: ‘I slept’. (He said last night he couldn’t sleep anymore, not more than 2-3 hours per night). I replied: ‘It’s my eyes and pink dress’. He said: ‘Probably normal meal with you returned balance’. And I texted back again: ‘My eyes’.

This is not sireny and I don’t know what I was thinking. Do I text again to the effect that I feel relieved he was able to rest?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:41am
817: Memulo says:

Does it even sound flirtatious?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:43am
818: Annie says:

“ReceivingGirlsays:”

(((Lilibee))) (((BW))) (((Annie))) (((Tam)))

I sent BoatGuy a Happy Birthday text. He responded using his pet name for me. Dude, we haven’t spoken since April…don’t you think a pet name is inappropriate??!! I want to respond, “I feel calling me that is only appropriate if we were still dating. Please use my name.” I feel b$tchy saying that, but I feel triggered he did that.

Hi Receiving Girl Hugs back.

Now for a cyber slap.
What were you thinking contacting this man?

If you do now want to respond you have answered your own question.
X

And you say the following:
He responded using his pet name for me. Dude, we haven’t spoken since April…don’t you think a pet name is inappropriate??!! I want to respond, “I feel calling me that is only appropriate if we were still dating. Please use my name.” I feel b$tchy saying that, but I feel triggered he did that.

This feels very authentic to me and in touch with yourself.
How do you think would be the best way to re word this in a feeling love script?
For instance how do you think it would be better to write “don’t you think a pet name is inappropriate??”
That makes it all about what you feel and then what? he thinks.

What do you think about rewording?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:43am
819: Dominique says:

Just read #701….Lilibee. Maybe not the best way to have handled it after all. Yet it’s better to know who this man really is and where you stand.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 6:47am
820: smile says:

Memulo,

I’m sorry your messages feel unrelated to each other? They do sound flirtatious but it feels like you missed the context?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 7:48am
821: Dominique says:

It’s the lying I have the biggest problem with Lilibee. You may have intimacy fears, and this may be why he’s showing up for you, to help heal this. He may or may not be your “the one”, regardless, there are lessons for you here, questions to ask yourself, patterns and habits to reveal.

And I encourage you to look at all of this. Maybe in healing this within you, he may not feel compelled to lie, or maybe this who he is.

Focus on you first. Work on your stuff. Then you can make a decision if one still needs to be made and with clarity.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 7:55am
822: Memulo says:

Smile,

Thank you. Hmm what feels unrelated? He slept well because he had a chance to spend an evening with me in my pink dress looking in my eyes

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 7:58am
823: Smile says:

Memulo- I can sense now you were trying to be ‘romantic’ with your reply.

The part that felt unrelated to me was this…. He said: ‘Probably normal meal with you returned balance’. And I texted back again: ‘My eyes’.

When he said it was more the meal with you, I’m curious to know where your reply ‘ my eyes’ came from.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:05am
824: Memulo says:

I just jokingly repeated the same thing, disagreeing with him? Not only the food helped but my presence and support? Insisted on being acknowledged, sooo not good ;(

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:10am
825: smile says:

Memulo, I sense that this man is not in the position to ‘give’ much in a romantic sense at the minute. Your reply felt needy for attention. Although I am sure you looked beautiful in your dress.

((Memulo)) Lean back.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:16am
826: Dominique says:

Femininewoman –

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:19am
827: Francesca says:

Smile,

I meant to post that earlier but the blog was down. Don’t know if it’s relevant anymore but here goes:

I once had a similar situation where my man felt useless because he coudn’t fix the lawnmower.

He tried and tried to fix it, litterally spent hours working on it but just couldn’t get it to work.

When I went to see him (he was in the garage, I was in the house), he told me that he felt useless

I told him I didn’t feel that way at all about him and I listed a few things he’s good at.

I complimented him, gave him a hug and a kiss.

That changed the whole dynamic and he was able to let go of his feeling of uselessness and said he was lucky to have me.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:26am
828: Memulo says:

Smile, yes, texting now that I feel relieved he slept finally feels like too much.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:28am
829: MissStix says:

smile-802

I feel compassion for him reading this convo. I also feel pity for his cutting himself down. It hurts my heart to know how useless some men feel and they never express it.

I feel pride for you reading this convo. Like a warm light in my core. I feel content to have helped you express yourself. You come off as the leader here. The person holding the wheel. However gently.

I love to see feeling msgs put into action and see how men respond to them. It’s sad what he says, but it’s beautiful that he opened up to you with his feelings.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:29am
830: Francesca says:

Lilibee,

Your man lying about who was there or not really triggered me too.

There’s nothing that I hate more than a lie.

I guess he didn’t think that you could show up and see who was there for yourself.

You kind of caught him with his pants down (ses culottes à terre, as we say in French).

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:32am
831: Miss Bells says:

Good Morning Sirens!
I am once again feeling conflicted and confused.
The OW–who had been around for a month now–suddenly disappeared.
Apparently she decided to go work in LA as a caregiver instead of where we live.
This opened up a space where we could at least have a conversation.

He told me about her leaving–I didn’t respond much–He told me he was planning a future with OW–Later–I said well you only knew her 3 weeks.
He really doesn’t seem to upset by it. then why would he? It was an infatuation. She is a blip on the radar.

His reaction to the her leaving was to go crazy on Match.com
He says he wants to get into a more serious relationship (with anyone but me). And that is the real problem, not this imaginary relationship or that one.

At the party, I invited my 50+ singles meetup and about 80 showed up. He was blown away by the party–but started pressing me to JOIN the group so he could meet the women. I tried to tell him NO.

He said in that case I must be hung up on him. I said that yes–I had the same feelings I always did, but that wasn’t the only thing. I am moving on–I don’t want to be with a man that isn’t all in. But–I don’t want him in my space when I am out there trying to change my world. I NEED space.”

What I wanted to say was “Are you crazy–how could you even think of trying to get with someone right in front of me?!!!” Finally he dropped it.

Later–I was telling him that I haven’t decided whether to move or not. He told me “please stay as long as you want to–I won’t bring anyone here–I’ll tell them they can’t come to my house till you move” I wonder how he thinks THAT is going to work out.

He said he thinks I am still in love with him, and he “isn’t in love with me anymore” I said “you’ve fallen in and out of love with me three times. It is the hot and cold thing that bothers me. If that switch comes back on, you have to bring a ring. It is the only way I will be able to trust you.”

He says he won’t turn back to hot this time. I don’t know about that. It has happened three times before. And he said the same thing every time.

Now-I am in a quandary. The same as before, but now it is just about our relationship. No outside forces at work.

I think maybe I should move and quickly. But–the shortage of comfortable places I can afford hasn’t changed. The other way would be to stay here and get VERY busy. He said he is planning on going camping soon. If he isn’t even going to be here I can take time to decide.

What do the sirens think?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:34am
832: smile says:

Thanks Francesca, I wish I was able to hold him and show affection to him. He is too far away lost in his man pain. My only communication now is by text. Very occasionally he calls. This is why I am so careful to choose my words. Every time he contacts it feels like make or break between him sticking around or withdrawing. I am just getting on with my life though, I dont feel like I am waiting anymore. I am in the present moment. He is just hanging onto my saddle.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:35am
833: Memulo says:

I feel scared I pushed too hard ;(

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:42am
834: Francesca says:

Smile, you are not really going out together then?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:46am
835: MissStix says:

miss bells

From what I read I think you handled yourself beautifully given the volatile situation you are in.

I wonder-who does he think he is asking to be involved in YOUR group?? And the nerve of him with some of the things he says…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:46am
836: Francesca says:

Miss Bells,

I would move out as soon as I could, yes.

I don’t think I could deal very well with this kind of wishy washy behaviour.

I hope this doesn’t trigger you but he sounds quite arrogant to me, too.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:48am
837: Radlove says:

(((BW))),

814 – ““All this stuff has made me realise that the way I have been acting may have been the result of my unhappiness, and the resulting anger I felt towards myself for tolerating a situation that made me so unhappy for so long.

I think this break you have proposed will give me the space I need to explore within myself if you are the man I want to share my life with….””

I don’t know your heart like you do. But I wonder if that is accurate to say you were unhappy?

I think basically your speech is fine, but I wonder if it might have more impact if it were kept in more simple feeling messages:

“Part of me feels sad, and part of me feels angry.

I decided I feel good about having a break so I can reconnect with my heart of hearts, to get in touch with what I really want for my future.”

Just another idea, and yours is just fine as is.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:51am
838: MissStix says:

memuolo

Close your eyes and breathe.

You did ok. You were just teasing with your comments about your eyes.

I feel your tension right now. Do what you need to do to own it and move beyond it.

Maybe instead focus on his wonderful words about how a meal with you eased his anxiety and relaxed him.

Next time he says words like that thank him!! What a beautiful compliment. My belief is he was sending words to make you feel special. Even if it is about him and his issues.

Breathe, relax. You are beautiful. You did fine.

Hugs!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:54am
839: smile says:

Francesca – We lived together and had a 2 year exclusive relationship, we had plans to marry and talked about our furture. He moved out 9 months ago after he lost his job and was going though a lot of insecurities in his life. We have never ‘oficially’ broken up but thanks to Rori, I am not looking for closure anymore, but I do consider myself single. About a month ago as he was moving his stuff out he cried and left me a letter appologising for him withdrawing and that he wanted to try again. This went fine for a while and he dated me but then the wedding invite came along and he withdrew. He still has lots of furniture in the house. He cannot bring himself to move it out. He picks a little up each time but he is still hanging on to me.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:54am
840: Radlove says:

Radlove’s Healthy Cream of Tomato Soup

Jumbo can of plum tomatoes
2 cups sliced zucchini
1 onion, cut up
1 can sliced potatoes
1 can creamed corn
1 can chicken broth
1 can evaporated milk
1 seasoning packet of sausage seasoning
1 seasoning packet parmesan seasoning
Olive oil

I simmered it together for a couple hours. When it was cool, I put it thru the blender in increments, so the vegetables themselves form the thickness. It is delicious!

I am eating some of it mixed with rice, and I was thinking it would make a terrific pizza sauce, layed on thickly, with vegetables already mixed in!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:55am
841: Miss Bells says:

#831
He also made dinner for me-
and put out a chair for me so we could sit together outside, and then came and GOT me so I would sit with him.

He let me pick a movie from ppv. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. We laughed our a**es off!

I told him that I originally planned to just literally disappear. but I didn’t think he would understand my message. He says he would have read me loud and clear.

I told him that the fact that he loves me and misses me when I am gone isn’t enough. I want him to be IN love with me, and to be THE ONE. He said he missed me even this last week that I have been gone.

I know that the OW is not completely gone yet, and that he is frantically throwing himself at Match.

I need space and perspective. If he comes back now I won’t be sure he’s not “settling” in his mind. I near to be the clear first choice. I don’t want to be to “nice” to him.

I told him–there is a reason that everyone thinks we are married, and that you felt like you were cheating on your wife.
Stop treating me like a wife already!!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:58am
842: Smile says:

Miss stixs – 829

Thank you, you have made me feel good about myself. It can be so hard to know sometimes if your saying/doing the right thing so i value your feedback.

I feel I have always felt being the leader in our relationship even with money. I have learnt to heal a lot of my control issues though so I’m pleased to read you felt I was gentle in my approach.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 8:59am
843: LiliBee says:

821 & 830:

Thanks Dominique, Thanks Francesca,

Trying to save some comment space, the blog is being slow and freezes.

I told him I couldn’t stand for the lying and manipulating.
Like we say Francesca: pas capable.
I was so angry at him making me wait and wait.

I have looked at that fear of intimacy before, and I throught it was healed.
But I guess not.

He just called to say he’s coming over right now to give me the money he owes me from our June trip.
I told him I was at the end of my rope with waiting, including for the money he owes me.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:03am
844: Radlove says:

Miss Bells,

831 – Wow, i can see my own situation SO clearly here through yours, even though there are some differences. I feel stuck in my love for R, yet when I read your situation, my heart says, “Of course! You need to get R out of your life! It’s so clear!”

So I do understand that it is hard to think clearly and be objective when it is your own emotions involved. And add to that your living situation, which is NOT a part of my equation, and I can really understand why you might feel lost in the sauce.

There is a verse in Proverbs that says, “Better a dry crust on the roof of a house than a mansion with feasting, and strife.”

That says it all to me. I never saw it so clearly as when I shared a cute little house on 65 acres by a lake with an elderly man for 1.5 years. The rent was dirt cheap, and the surroundings were astounding.

But he was an alcoholic, and he was VERY controlling. I mean he was telling me how to fill the ice cube trays controlling! I HATED living there! I stuck it out 1.5 years because of the positive points.

In the meantime, I fell onto hard times and lost my income and I hid on the 65 acre property with my pets for a month, camping in a tent over a hill that couldn’t be seen by the road, next to the lake, under some trees for shade.

The day I moved out and sat in a lawn chair by my tent, it was one of the most joyful moments of my life!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:04am
845: Radlove says:

Radlove’s Healthy Cream of Tomato Soup

Jumbo can of tomatoes
2 cups sliced zucchini
1 onion, cut up
1 can sliced potatoes
1 can creamed corn
1 can chicken broth
1 can evaporated milk
1 seasoning packet of sausage seasoning
1 seasoning packet parmesan seasoning
Olive oil

I simmered it together for a couple hours. When it was cool, I put it thru the blender in increments, so the vegetables themselves form the thickness. It is delicious!

I am eating some of it mixed with rice, and I was thinking it would make a terrific pizza sauce, layed on thickly, with vegetables already mixed in!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:04am
846: Radlove says:

I realized one reason I keep contacting R is because I feel peace of mind when I express my thoughts and feelings.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:07am
847: Memulo says:

MissStix,

Thank you;) I am feeling still confused but trying to find my way out of it.

Interesting that when I saw his text about the meal I thought it meant that the fact he had food helped and he threw ‘with you’ in there just to be polite.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:11am
848: MissStix says:

Gosh…What a weird night I had lol

I know G felt my turmoil last night, and I know now I was projecting.

Sigh.

I love this place, and I love you sirens. I feel blessed to have a place to vent, share, open up, and be honest. To not be judged…

I feel some turmoil over this though. I know I have come a long way in my 2 year journey since the end of my marriage. I feel strong. But I feel strong like a child…Fresh and strong and alive, but clumsy and gangly. I do feel judged here…

Must breathe lol

I read wonderful affirmations. But I also read of jealousies, and awe and insecurities. I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. I want my lessons learned to uplift people. I feel tremendous guilt at the thought of causing anyone to feel less than.

Last night my worries over this blog manifested in my real life. Ick. That feels lumpy in my throat. I self sabotaged. I feel all tight admitting this. Must be honest. I feel so nervous.

I was not accepted by my peers as a child. I was bullied. I will do almost anything to make others feel good. I need so badly to be accepted. Especially by women. I feel crippled by this.

I am grateful we have a place to be open and honest. I feel hyper-focused on comments that mention jealousy or awe towards me. It feels wrong. So I go into advising, and stop writing about my own ways of uplifting myself. I stop actually uplifting myself. I start the cycle of self sabotage. I ruined a beautiful day/evening with G.

I imagined ending things with him. And why? He’s wonderful to me.

Today I am allowing myself to resonate beauty. I am releasing myself from negativity. I woke up with G’s lips on my breast and it felt cool and warm and exciting and refreshing and tingling and wonderful! I will carry those feelings through my day.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:14am
849: Francesca says:

Smile,

Thanks for telling me your story, I understand better now.

I keep thinking…maybe this is far fetched but do you feel that going to a wedding with you would’ve brought up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings for him?

I mean, you were supposed to get married after all…

Do you know what I mean?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:15am
850: Francesca says:

Radlove,

I understand what you mean but do you realize how R sometimes makes you feel bad when you do that?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:19am
851: Miss Bells says:

Living with him is actually peaceful and good for the most part.
And some of the difficult parts have been me not setting a boundary. Now I tell him to knock it off when he pushes me.
Last summer I moved out when he started chasing this woman from a party. That part didn’t last long.
Then–he did the POF thing. Nothing came of it.
Meanwhile–he slowly started dating me again. We didn’t sleep together till November. We spent the holidays together, and then in early January he snapped the door shut again sexually, but was still seeing me.
I was getting VERY seriously ill. I had un-diagnosed or treated low thyroid, but it didn’t show on the test. I gained weight, my nails cracked, I was deeply fatigued, and my feet, hands, and face were swelling up grotesquely and painfully.
I moved back in just as the illness hit. It took me a couple of months to find a doc that would give me armor, the drug that is saving my life. Later, I read up. Low thyroid can kill you and I was on my way out.
I told HS all this yesterday. He had no idea all this was going on.
All he knew was that I gained weight and when we went for a hike a the beach, I wouldn’t go down a steep hill bc I didn’t think I could climb back up.
So yesterday I said–if we ever go out there again I could RACE you back up I feel so fit!
But–what about a man who turns his back on you bc you are ill?
I wish I knew what REALLY went wrong.
If he is deep down not ever going to be into me, or wants me as a sister, that is one thing.
But–if there was something that happened to stall an otherwise good thing, that is another. I didn’t use ALL the tools, and the ones I did I used poorly at times. And–in his mind I changed when I got sick. And–I was broke most of the last 5 years. Now I have a small passive income.
And–If I knew for sure it was the sister thing–would that make me more likely to keep this warm comfortable home?
Because leaving is more likely to draw him back, but if he wouldn’t come back anyhow, why should I leave?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:25am
852: Radlove says:

I think this is a fantastic article, and I can’t resist admitting, I am Agenda Brenda! LOL!

From the Guys Locker Room, the #1 Mistake Women Make in Relationships, by Jonathon Aslay

Dear Friends,

Speaking as a guy and getting inside a guys head might require a little locker room time.

The locker room in a health club is a wealth of knowledge to the way men think.

The men’s room is the one place where it’s all guys and no holds barred.

When it comes to understanding men and hearing what we say about women, the locker room is the place.

Imagine this, a couple of guys just finished a workout.

They are a bit exhausted and ready for the steam room or sauna.

They are kinda out of their “heads” and into their “bodies”

They are connected to their emotional side, not their logical side.

They know they can speak freely because in the locker room it’s guy code.

Guy code, what’s said in the locker room stays in the locker room.

The locker room is a sacred place where men can say anything.

Wanna know what guys mostly talk about?

While you might be thinking sports, you would be half right.

While you might be thinking cars, you would be half right.

While you might be thinking work, you would be half right.

While all of the above is true, the minute one guy talks about women… the place goes silent.

Now you might be thinking, why does it go silent Jonathon?

Good question.

Well for some men they live vicariously through the stories of others.

And for others, they want to hear a good story and share their two cents.

Men are competitive and they like to one up their friends when it comes to conquests.

Now this is all fine and good for those guys just dating (in the getting laid mode).

You know, the 20 something crowd or the newly divorced guys over 40.

What about the guys in relationship?

Guess what most of them do?

Rarely do you hear men speak of how “in love” they are.

Why?

It’s not in our nature to talk about lovely dovey stuff.

Guys who are in happy relationships keep it to themselves.

What about the other guys, what do they talk about?

They complain.

The others guys in relationship complain.

What do they complain about?

Come closer to the screen.

You don’t want to miss this.

Take a deep breath.

If they’re in the locker room talking about relationships, they’re sharing their frustrations.

Have you figured it out what they’re frustrated about?

Are you dying to know?

Are you still guessing?

The #1 mistake women make in relationship is…

Agenda

Agenda?

Yes, agenda!

What do you mean by agenda Jonathon?

Having an agenda on where the relationship is going.

Women often have an agenda or expectation on where a relationship is going.

Whether it’s the 1st month, 3rd month, 6 month or a year, women have a need to know where the relationship is going.

If you are single & looking or in a relationship, I’m sure you have done this.

Women often think in the future.

By contrast, men think in the NOW.

Men tend to think in present terms not the future when it comes to relationships.

So the minute a woman has an agenda, this freaks guys out.

Let me say this again, this freaks guys out.

When it comes to where a relationship is going, men want it on their terms.

They want to set the course.

They often set the pace,

If you were attracted to this man in the early stages of relationship.

He picked the restaurant for the first date.

He planned the first trip.

He even decided when to call you his girlfriend.

He hopefully said “I love you” first

(I know, you were biting your tongue on that one).

Men prefer to set the pace at every stage of the relationship.

You are attracted to men who take charge, who are leaders.

So when it comes to where it’s going, why would you expect anything less?

Here is why.

Women often get to the destination of a relationship faster then their boyfriends.

Now I’m sure this goes back to the days of being little girls and hearing Prince Charming stories.

Or planning your wedding with your girlfriends at age 13.

Whether it’s in your nature or all that playing as a child, where is it going is just part of who you are.

That need for security.

Men don’t operate that way.

Growing up the last thing we talked about was marriage.

We talked about girls, but mostly how to meet and approach women.

In our teens and twenties, we were learning how to meet and have confidence with women.

Mostly we learned by trial and error.

I’m sure you have even met a few guys who didn’t have game, who didn’t have edge.

Some men are still learning how to have confidence with women and how to be in relationship.

But you are in relationship and you are frustrated with his pace.

All your doubts about men and commitment rise to the surface.

You are remembering many of your failed relationships and fear rears it’s ugly head.

Guess what? We pick up on those fears.

So you have a double whammy going.

Your fears are pushing for an agenda and this expectation is scaring him away.

Before you totally scare him off, CLICK HERE

Understanding men is just part of the equation.

The better you understand your guy, the easier your relationship will be.

For many women, starting the conversation of “where is it going” is the hardest part.

CLICK HERE to help you get your guy to open up and talk to YOU.

So remember, expressing an agenda or expectation can freak a guy out.

Your fears can also scare him away.

Take a lesson from the locker room.

Learn how to remain clam, cool and collected.

Wishing you all a fantastic weekend.

Sending smiles

Jonathon

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:28am
853: smile says:

Franscesca, I have have had the same thought about the wedding too. Whilst he had suggested a time to get married and he asked me about what kind of ring I would have liked, we were not engaged.

It would have however made us more official as a couple and I feel this was too difficult for him. It is not where we are at just now.

I felt obliged to ask him to confirm his invite. He knew he was invited as he saw the invites in the kitchen and had been talked about for a while as this is one of my best friends.

My best friend gets married next week too. I am bridesmaid. I will not mention this too him again though as I know he is struggling getting time off work and that probably attending a wedding together is not where we are at now.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:28am
854: Miss Bells says:

One last thing–He seems very interested in me getting out there and dating.
Like he is pushing me to CD.
It feels crappy for so many reasons.
And–though I have always had coffee dates, but he has never actually dealt with me and another man. It might not be as good for him as he imagines.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:30am
855: Radlove says:

Miss Bells,

850 – I feel happy for you to hear you recovered from such a serious illness.

As long as you stay with him when he is not pursing you romantically, while you are in love with him, you are PUTTING yourself in a place of pain.

You are CHOOSING drama (as I am by staying in R’s life). It is not healthy for you, and it is not healthy for me.

Do you care about your emotional health? I don’t see any possible way you could have terrific self esteem and feel happy when you are living right there with a man you love who is dating other women.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:33am
856: Radlove says:

Miss Bells,

Further, I believe there IS a chance for romance for you and your man. But not as long as you are under his nose living there, willing to take crumbs as a friend (same with me). You have built many emotional cords with this man, that gives your friendship strength.

If you were to find another living situation (maybe a live in position or with a housemate from craigslist?), and leaned back for him to pursue you, there would be a chance.

In Rori’s case, she was already living with her husband before they married. When he didn’t propose to her on New Year’s Eve, as he had said he probably would, she continued to live there.

She started CDing herself, going on weekends to the shore by herself, meeting men everywhere she went. I suppose that is another option, but i think it is pretty much leaning forward to live with a man. It’s very challenging to get away from the friend vibe when you are housemates.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:38am
857: Francesca says:

Yes, Smile, probably best to leave that out for the moment.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:38am
858: Radlove says:

Francesca,

850 – “I understand what you mean but do you realize how R sometimes makes you feel bad when you do that?”

Of course! I am just trying to understand myself, why I do what I do, and decide if it is the course I want to continue.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:39am
859: Francesca says:

Radlove,

I’m glad you’re taking time to do that, it’s really healthy.

Tough but healthy.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:43am
860: Miss Bells says:

That is exactly what I am trying to figure out. I believe there may be embers still hiding under there.
How do I fan the flames back up again?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:45am
861: Smile says:

Miss stix – keep uplifting the blog and sirens, your presence is value.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:53am
862: LiliBee says:

He just left.

He brought me the money and some blueberries.

I told him I felt bad for slapping him, and I was sorry.

I said “At the dinner table when the man asked me about the shared custody and how I was dealing with it, I felt comfortable talking about it.
It felt good to express myself about it.
Afterwards, I felt sad that we don’t have the opportunity to talk about it between the 2 of us 1st.

The next day, I felt angry for having to wait to talk about those important things.
I want to be a unified team on the same page.
Even if we don’t agree, I would feel connected to you knowing what each other feels about things.
I don’t feel connected, and I don’t want to feel that way in a relationship.
Waiting too long makes me feel all tense and shaky. It makes my emotions feel like molten lava. They boil and they want to burst out. Then I errupt like a vulcano, and it’s too late.
I can’t keep feeling like that.”

He said “try to rest today, we’ll talk again.”

He hugged me 4 times.
He still wants to go on vacation with me.
Then he asked for his key back.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 9:54am
863: Radlove says:

Miss Bells,

859 – By leaning back and CDing.

For me, far easier said than done. I want to jump on it til its dead, even tho I know it’s counterproductive.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:01am
864: Rebecca says:

Dominque

Thank you! That feels good to read about being on the brink of a breakthrough! It feels so exciting and liberating… Like delicious…

I am still sad deep down, but you are right, it may be something I need to learn to live with. Embrace it. Understand that maybe painful emotions are part of life. I think that is the difficult bit for me.

Maybe I just need to lean back and accept… Thats what fees scary… I will try though..

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:03am
865: Miss Bells says:

862: Not so hard for me.
What is his great interest in my dating others?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:10am
866: Smile says:

I feel like I am dining in a fine restaurant but at a fraction of the cost on my sofa! I have treated myself to a leek and asparagus tartlet served with new potatoes tossed in butter with a sprinkle of fresh mint for my tea. Mm I feel appreciative of nice food.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:10am
867: Dominique says:

I feeling concerned about a trend I’ve been seeing here lately, wanting to talk with your man, about your relationship, to share feelings.

Men for the most part don’t do this. They hate it, and many will run the other way though not out of your life necessarily, just to the other room or out of the house. It will show up as squirming and avoidance.

May I ask you to try this, not going there? If you must hash things out, find a good girlfriend. But when it comes to your man, just don’t.

Instead start looking really closely, observing him, seeing how he feels in other ways than with words. It’s all there if you open your eyes and hearts in different ways.

This ties into having expectations I was speaking about earlier.

When you can remain open and in wonder and awe, excited by any and all possibility instead of expecting something, wanting something your way, the whole world as well as your relationship will change.

He will no longer feel pressure from you to “perform”, and in turn will feel far more inspired to do more and more in the ways you prefer. He will want to spend more time with you because he will feel relaxed around you, safe.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:12am
868: MissStix says:

Thank you smile, deeply.

I sometimes feel like less than what people perceive me as. It needs healing.

I feel good at expressing myself, but I feel shaky too. I need advice and support and to be embraced. I want to be held up. I was desperate to be held up in my marriage. It never came to be.

Everyone I know stood in awe of how strong I was. I was pure faking it in the beginning. No one knew my pain. My guy friends tell me how much they respect me and and i’m the strongest girl they know…How do I sort that out when I feel like it was all a sham? Faking it was important to learning, but take it from me…It presents a whole new set of problems.

So I need to be held up. I am held up by G. Why is it hard to accept and recieve that when I know it’s something I need? And how do I hold myself up AND allow someone to hold me up? And how do I hold me up without over-extending and holding him up?

These are my struggles.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:14am
869: Smile says:

(( miss stix )) you ate in the right place to work through your struggles. One step at a time x

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:19am
870: Rebecca says:

Radlove

The Guys from the Locker room article really triggered me. I feel a bit … Hmmm… Unsure really…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:20am
871: Smile says:

*sorry are not ate lol

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:20am
872: Smile says:

867- dominique, I’m intrigued by your post, I wonder if you see this in my situation? I would be open to hearing more.

My curiosity lies around talking about feelings as I am on a learning journey to not stuff my feelings which I have heavily done in the past?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:23am
873: LiliBee says:

At one of our parties, I spent the evening watching a married couple.

They really looked united and funloving.
They were talking about their upcoming 25th wedding anniversary that they were planning to celebrate.

I asked the woman what the secret was to their mariage lasting so long.

She said “good, honest communication. We sweep nothing under the rug. Lots of times we don’t agree, but at least we get all said and we are clear. We don’t always know how to speak nicely and the tone rises, but we know where we both stand on all issues. We don’t stop talking until we have said everything we have to say.”

This is the 2nd longlasting happy married couple I ask that question to.
The 2 couples don’t even know each other, and they both responded the exact same thing in the same words.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:23am
874: Dominique says:

Rebecca – #863 – Sadness and pain are parts of life. You wouldn’t recognize the wonderful feelings without them.

I think most people would view me as always happy. Truth is I feel sadness all the time. The difference now is that it doesn’t overwhelm me or rarely and certainly not for long.

I choose to look at sadness as just a piece of me, a part of my richness, something which helped me grow as much if not more so then the feel good feelings which are just as much a part of me too.

I can choose in every moment which one I would rather feel or focus on. Sometimes it takes paying great attention to where my mind is wandering.

For example I can find myself going to a sad place sometimes when K is holding me close, a time when you would think I would be basking in loving feelings. It could be remnants of an old habit, avoiding love and intimacy out of fear. So I consciously turn my attention to the moment instead, soak that in, and the sadness abates, goes back to its cozy room to sleep.

Anyone who comes from a past of deep pain will likely carry sadness and pain. And this is probably everyone. You are not alone, and you are not broken, just human. The advantage you have is that you are here, learning and growing, something many fear because it can be too painful, and it can feel so difficult.

So brava to you.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:26am
875: MissStix says:

Thank you smile. It feels comforting to have support

(((smile)))

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:27am
876: Radlove says:

MIss Bells,

864 – He wants you to CD so he doesn’t feel guilty for dating.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:30am
877: Tam says:

Lilibee, I also have been told thatby an elderly couple. They said: ‘we talk and talk and talk about everything and anything’.
And I must say it somewhat contradicts the ‘traipsing around the man’ and not talking, also about the relationship. Interestingly, I bemoan a lot of things about German men, but they seem to be happy to talk about their relationships. I noticed this now, and I noticed this when I dated one many years ago.
I am not sure whether it means they are more in feminine energy or that one guy was or he was emotionally very open….but I never had to just observe anything, he was the one to start discussing the relationship etc.
Interesting, but perhaps a testimonial as to how many differences there are also between men. I found the good guys are usually happy to talk, if one doesn’t start accusing them or blaming them. Just normal, respectful talk. This is important for me too, I don’t always want to be guessing…guessing and mind-reading is a little too far in the land of imaginary relationship for me.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:33am
878: Radlove says:

Dominique,

866 – Good word. Hard for me to follow.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:34am
879: Radlove says:

Rebecca,

870 – I wonder why you feel triggered?

I guess it depends where each one of us is at. For me, he was speaking straight to me! LOL! Yep, I got an agenda. R even used this term, “I keep bullying into his life.” Yikes! I want to heal this.

And I know for me, it stems from my deep desire, want, and need to be a wife, and all that that implies: togetherness, children, being cared for and nurtured, security…sigh.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:37am
880: Radlove says:

Lilibee,

872 – I really like that! Thanks for sharing!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:39am
881: MissStix says:

I came across a letter in my email from a few months ago. I wrote it to G and posted anonymously on CL.

I feel like sharing it…:D

“I want, from the depths of my soul, for you to know how incredible you are. Sometimes I feel scared to tell you how much I love you, and for you to know how important you are to me.

Being with you has been the best thing ever to happen to me. I know we have butted heads, and there have been times when niether of us knew what was developing between us. No matter what I have experienced, or what I have said in the heat of a moment, I trust you. Completely. When you hold me I feel safe. When you look at me I feel loved. When you kiss me I feel electric. I realize how much you love me…And I feel overwhelmed.

I see you putting me first, and I appreciate you for everything you are.

Never forget you are an amazing man, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.”

Thus letter ended up being copied and pasted by other women on CL in missed connections. I also recieved 1 anonymous email under the name “just someguy” saying “simply…beautiful”.

G has never, to my knowlege, read this letter…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:46am
882: Dominique says:

Smile = #872 – Stuffing feelings is never good for you, BUT you also don’t have to spill out each and every one. When it comes to you and your man, if you find more bad feeling feelings coming up then good ones, try taking a look inside yourself first.

Is he maybe mirroring something back to you, something about yourself that you feel bothered by, which needs deeper healing?

Is he maybe doing/saying nothing which is “bad”, but you are interpreting it this way because of something in your past, a trigger, or maybe you’re hormonal and feeling ultra-sensitive, or maybe you have a headache coming on, or your lunch disagreed with you which would cause you to be more trigger happy than another time.

One of my big things/tools/theories is bringing things back to you first before reacting. How you are feeling in response to him usually has little if nothing to do with what he has done or said. If you were clear in your mind and feelings, you would be able to look at comment which seems off to you as just that or an action which seemed neglectful or something else which could feel bad as him being forgetful or preoccupied, and we all have those moments. So you would let it go.

You can also look at this as him having had a bad day too. Maybe feel compassion for him instead of wanting go into lash out mode.

If it’s a pattern, then this is something else. If it’s something totally heinous, again this is something else, and we would need to look at the specifics when and if they arise.

Men are not perfect just as we are not perfect. They do and say some strange things sometimes, and often it means nothing or very little in the big picture.

Try instead to focus on ALL which feel good to you, and SAY SO. MELT and tell hm how good it feels when he says…..or does……

The more you can do this, the more of it you will recognize because you are placing your attention there, but also you will get more of this from him because he WANTS to make you feel good, and when he hears that you do, he wants to do more of it.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:49am
883: Radlove says:

Clever Post from a man:

If I had to sum up a bit about me, this might be it…

Smart thinking over Smartphone

Caprice Classic over capricious.

Cold A/C over cold personality

Driven over driven crazy

Snuggling over snootiness

Hugs over haughtiness

Family over flaunting

Help over helplessness

Compromise over demise

Prince over pompous

Vigor over viciousness

Love over loathing

Fix it right over Fix It Again

Craftsman over being crafty

Rebuild and Repair over rebuy

Rogue and Rebel over rebellious

Debate over hate

Vote over being voted out

Eclectic over Egotistical

The pen over the sword

Reason over rashness

Practical over pretense

….and many more….

If this is intriguing, put “I’m not the Average (Insert your name here)” in the subject line of your reply.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 10:53am
884: Memulo says:

Radlove,

This list is a bit too long to feel attractive to me

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:04am
885: Memulo says:

MissStix #881,

Are you and G still talking?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:13am
886: MissStix says:

After some soul searching over the past week I have made a new promise to myself, and I feel very excited to keep this promise!

I realize more and more every day how much I need to write. Thank you sirens for your beautiful words that helped hit this one home. I have never thought of myself as a writer… I love realizing dreams as an adult! What a beautiful experience.

To begin this new journey I will take a small step. As with every other road i’ve travelled. Today I buy my first journal!

I feel impatient and excited.

I feel exposed on here. That’s ok. It’s good for me. But some of my thoughts and feelings are so incredibly potent. Maybe not fit for consumption…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:15am
887: smile says:

Thank you dominique,

You are a valued ‘voice on the blog’ and wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to learn, especially as this related to me in my conscious.

I am tending to be feeling more compassion than lashing out. I am not being his emotional crutch but I’m feeling his pain and low self esteem crying out in every conversation we have had for the past year. I wrote the last converstaion we had in post 802.
I am curious to know your opinion on this interaction?

FW helped point out some tweeking necessary in the last message and Miss Stixs helped me to notice how I was more in control but in a gentle way.

My journey has been more focused on control. I have relaxed a lot more in this now. In the past I have also lashed out as you have talked about over things that were actually ‘my’ issues to deal with but came out in different ways. Your post has helped remind me of this, thank you.

I feel I need to not be in control of his emotional journey and trust that he will recognise his own things that need healing. But the mother/teacher (this is my profession) in me wants to cry out ‘what if he doesnt know how to do this! he doesnt have the blog in his life! how will he know this needs to be healed and how to build his self esteem, he has been wallowing in it for so long!’

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:18am
888: smile says:

miss stix – I love the pretty journals from paperchase

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:20am
889: MissStix says:

@memuolo

Yep! We are going strong right now. We have had a lot of struggles. I met him only 6 months after separating from my ex husband. I was a bit all over the place… We used to explode a lot…both of us. I wrote that letter after a doozy where I packed all my stuff and left. I was throwing it in his face that I didn’t trust him. He stood strong and worked hard through it with me. I felt so much love for him. I felt a lot of guilt over my words…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:21am
890: Rebecca says:

Radlove

Okay, I see what you mean.

I just think that a certain points in a relationship women should be allowed to have an agenda like for getting married and having children. It is her decision too, it’s not all about the man.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:24am
891: Rebecca says:

Dominque

Thank you so much! I am really taking it all in and I’m going to learn by your example.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:32am
892: Memulo says:

MissStix,

Sounds beautiful

So what helped you stick to him just 6 months after your divorce?

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:36am
893: Radlove says:

Rebecca,

889 – I agree. I just know for me, I get impatient and I get too pushy. Rori said at every turn, a man makes a move, and a woman says yes or no. It’s always our choice to walk away.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:51am
894: Smile says:

I want to be less blurtatious in my everyday life. I’m learning to be more refective. I like the reflective me much more 

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 11:57am
895: Rebecca says:

Radlove

Yes, I guess we get impatient when it’s something we want. I find it hard to pretend that I don’t want something when I do! Hmmm…. I have to say i feel very confused and I’m not sure what to think really.

We are all learning I guess! For some reason i just felt triggered… A lot to think about i guess…

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:05pm
896: Dominique says:

Rebecca –

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:12pm
897: Rebecca says:

Hmmm… I’m thinking that’s where I’m going wrong. I get resentful of the man making decisions about my life. I don’t like it..

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:14pm
898: Dominique says:

Smile – Here is another place where men tend to differ from women. The way they heal.

We women are very conscious of each and every thing once the light bulb has been lit, acutely aware. We take mostly deliberate steps to healing.

With men, and this is another one of my Dominique’isms, men heal best through a woman’s heart. If his woman is on a conscious healing journey, and he is the one for her and she him, he will simply come along for the ride, most of it completely off of his radar. It just happens, as she heals.

Now for your interchange -

Me: Thank you, I feel better now we have talked about it x (Thanks Francesca!)

~ This is good though I would have omitted the “now that we have…” this would have been understood, so unnecessary. ~

Him (the following morning): …I know what you mean about my method of communication. I just feel a complete let down. There was not a great deal I could have done but I know I should have called you…

Me: …I appreciate your thoughts. I just want you to know that it’s okay to tell me you can’t make it, or even if you just did’nt feel like coming. It’s confusing though when I hear nothing… (thanks Miss Stixs)

~ Thank you for saying this. I feel confused when I hear nothing. ~

Him: I know. I am so bad at these things for some reason? …

Me: Sometimes it can feel easier to ignore than to communicate/acknolwledge your feelings. But that doesn’t feel great to me …

~ I would have either said nothing and smiled, or I would have said, “It feels so much better being kept in the loop.” (or whatever other expression which fits, eg. knowing what’s going on.) ~

Him: It does sound about right. Some men are useless…I think I am one of the useless ones!

Me: I think your quite good usually at expressing how you feel, but sometimes it feels like you get overwhelmed and these are the times I don’t hear from you. What do you think?
I don’t think you are useless..

~ This one feels bad to me, explainey with an air of better than. Again nothing more needed to be said. He gets it. Let him figure it our from here.

It feels sad to me that he thinks this about himself, BUT YOU can change this by thanking him and melting all over when he DOES communicate well, when he does keep you informed. You will get more of it this way too.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:27pm
899: Rebecca says:

I was fine all day today, I’ve been out and about and doing lots of exciting stuff. Then I came home and walked past his flat and realised he doesn’t live there anymore. Someone else is living there. And I started to bawl my eyes out, and seriously I never cry. It was like a tidal wave I couldn’t stop. I realise i will never see him again.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:30pm
900: Dominique says:

Rebecca – But he’s not making the decisions for you. He’s making the decisions for himself and inviting you to join him. You can choose to or not.

And you can also make suggestions, and he’s can choose to take them or not.

xxoo

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:31pm
901: Becki says:

MissStix,

I don’t regularly drink so wasn’t expecting I’d drunk text. Retread it all and it felt a few of his responses were condescending. Maybe it was just my insecurities.
He texted me the next morning to ask if I was feeling ok. More small talk and then I thanked him for checking on me. Told him makes me feel good that i didn’t get so stupid and run you off silly girl. He responded with your welcome. I left it at that.
My sister thinks my being married should not matter and I should have a talk with him about what we are and what we want. I say wait till I’m out on my own and might feel more comfortable then

She thinks I should tell him how I feel and ask him where he wants it to go. Either way I’m at a loss for words as to how to say what I want and don’t want to ask him what he wants
I’m afraid of the answer.

I know I’m not just a piece but I’m afraid he is so comfortable where he’s at in life he wont want anything more than whatever it is that we have now

And yet I am afraid talking about this, I might lose him. He hasn’t done or said anything to warrant those feelings but I still worry.

He uses a blog website and interacts with some guy in Canada. I don’t know how many people see that broadcast but he’s gotten on several times while I was there.

The last time he did it he put me on there. Everyone watching that broadcast could see me sitting next to him. He took me off a few minutes later and the host told him to put me back on cause I was hot. He asks VP if I’m his girlfriend. After about 10 or 15 seconds of silence he tells the guy to mind his own business. He did put me back on for about another 20 minutes

I know what I wanted to hear–yes I’m his girlfriend, instead the man went on about what I was doing with him, I’m way too hot for him and go to Canada instead (he is married and it was a joke but felt good some other man acted as if I was a prize. Hoping VP could see I am a prize but I just CANNOT read VP)

I’m nervous about saying anything about feelings because we only see each other 1-2 weekends a month and he’s not much of a texter…feel like he doesn’t see enough of me to know if I am the prize

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:40pm
902: P-lala says:

@766 Annie,

In the beginning, I was doing individual therapy with a therapist who was trained in Post Induction Therapy (taught by Pia Mellody at The Meadows in Wickenburg, AZ). At that time, I didn’t even have words to tell my story and I started processing with art (I was never an artist before that, but have learned to use art as my primary mode of processing now).

After 6 months of really digging into my story, drawing, and writing like crazy to process everything, I was ready to join a sexual trauma support group. The healing that happens in a group setting is truly amazing to me. I’ve come to believe that because sexual trauma is a trauma of relationship, it needs to be healed in relationship as well. The group was 18 months in duration and we worked through two books, “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes and “The Wounded Heart” (and it’s accompanying workbook) by Dan Allendar.

By the time the group finished, I had left my abusive relationship and blossomed into a totally different person. Six months after the end of group, I started graduate school to become a counselor myself so thta I could help others the way my therapist helped me.

I think it’s admirable that you are wanting to help others…helping is a gift to both the giver and the receiver. Go get ‘em!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:53pm
903: MissStix says:

Becki

Hugs!!!

I feel your turmoil. I agree with you when you say you want to wait until you are on your own. The six months I was on my own were priceless. I still have thoughts that it was too short…The reason I turned down moving in with G.

While I can see where your sister is coming from I think you feel me when I say self-time is very important. Overlapping relationships with negative emotions involved is terribly hard. The more time alone and growing you can squeeze out the better! It will give you more time to learn to really nurture yourself and your own emotions. To the point where you don’t NEED to be nurtured but when it comes to you you can accept and recieve it.

I personally still have struggles with that. I’ve been working on spending more time alone the past week or so.

It would feel very powerful for you to let go of worrying about what’s going on with him and just be, and just live. That time is very soothing and healing if you use it right. At this stage you could take the opportunity to just respond to him and observe him. Learn about what you need from the men you are around at this stage.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 12:56pm
904: P-lala says:

#771 Annie,

I’m so sorry that you are being blamed for what happened to you and even, it seems, being expected to be grateful.

It is so difficult when the perpetrator will not take responsiblity. Can you come to a place where your healing is not dependent on his repentance? By healing anyway, you take away his power to continue hurting you.

I feel so angry when this happens! According to my spiritual beliefs, I believe that all perpetrators will be held accountable for their crimes in eternity. If they do not repent now, they will be face judgement. While I don’t want to wish evil on anyone, it helps me come to a place of releasing the outcome to G-d. I don’t know if that might help you or not…just something that helps me.

Sending you hugs and understanding.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:00pm
905: smile says:

Dominique,

Thank you. I love your Dominique’ism!

I will continue to heal him through my own heart. I do not know what ‘my one’ looks like yet, I am committed to staying in the moment with him (strumming man) Strumming man is a high quality guy if he ‘is my one’. Thank you for helping me to recognise the way that men heal. It gives me confidence to keep bringing this back to me and how I feel. I feel positive I heading in the right direction. I will thank him and melt all over when he does communicate well. It would feel great to get more of this.

I am committed to healing my own heart. I feel less need to control his emotional journey.

feeling smiley right now!

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:13pm
906: smile says:

I feel at peace with myself.

I feel contented.

I feel excited for the future.

I feel optimistic.

I feel proud.

I feel discovered.

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:18pm
907: ijeoma says:

Hi Rori, permit me to say that you are not just a relationship expert but a relationship magician.Each time you write itz as if u are seeing what is happening in my r/ship.could u pls forward your e-mail address to me. i have some personal issues to discuss. Thanks a lot for your encouragements and continious committment in this field of life.
Bst Regards

Sunday, 5 August 2012 @ 1:20pm
908: Dominique

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