Does He Not Respect You Because You Don’t Respect You – OR Him?

Here’s a letter from Rhonda that I think we can all identify. I know that when I feel angry at or resentful of my husband – I feel all the things Rhonda feels.

It’s only my skills, my experience, all the work I’ve done to become more aware of what’s going on inside me and shift my attitude and the way I think about things, the Tools I use every moment of every day that make the dramatic difference in my life and romantic life:

“Hi Rori! I know you said the best way to get your man’s attention back onto you is to kind of ignore him, lean back, and go about your business and NEVER let him ignore you.

I am fine and okay doing this, but lately he has been going out more than often to “get away” and when he does, it always involves other girls being in the same setting, and it pisses me off because I think it’s inappropriate.

How do I go about having this conversation with him in a way that I can be heard. I’ve tried confronting him several times about it, and nothing is getting through his thick skull. I feel like he has no respect for me…

My Answer:

Rhonda – this situation rings to me as “low class” – and not because he’s low-class, or you are – but because of the “drama” involved here.

If this is your attitude towards him: “…I’ve tried confronting him several times about it, and nothing is getting through his thick skull. I feel like he has no respect for me” – then his “running away” makes perfect sense.

You have to own your part of this dynamic – and that’s YOUR respect for HIM.

And if he’s disappearing into social situations – then pretty much, it just says that neither of you have the maturity and skills at this moment to have a meaningful conversation that’s a heart-to-heart and not a confrontation.

He’s not just going for walks and running at the gym – he’s doing stuff that he has to KNOW specifically puts you off balance and feels hurtful to you.

You are BOTH punishing each other.

You have to go first.

You need to learn the skills of talking to him with respect and yet with your whole heart.

You need to learn to negotiate.

AND – this all begins with your relationship with yourself.

So – what does that look like?

Start with my ebook – and learn how to use the Tools by practicing them consistently with EVERYONE.

Love, Rori

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1,018 Comments to “Does He Not Respect You Because You Don’t Respect You – OR Him?”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Does he not respect you?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:15am

  2. 2: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    It is so much about respect. Beginning with self respect

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:16am

  3. 3: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    A new post, yay!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:17am

  4. 4: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel that respect is almost more important than love in any relationship. I could never be with a man that does not respect me, and I could never be with a man whom I do not respect and admire (on some level).
    Having no respect kills communication and love. Yes, and like everything it starts with us – having self-respect. So much to learn…

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:50am

  5. 5: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    A guy staying out late like that is the worst. Pretty much feels like a hurtful helpless situation.

    I don’t know how to handle it. Besides saying to get her ebook what does Rori recommend we should do??

    She says what is wrong that they cannot communicate but beyond that ?? Saying its low class feels bad.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:52am

  6. 6: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    From previous thread.

    1334: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    1330 – There is more to it than meets the eye. At a glance, you are correct.

    But ponder this…I think he is testing to see if I am in love with him, or still in love with him. I really think that is what is going on with this. On his part, I think if a person were to be trying to keep something as friendship only, none of this would be mentioned; it would be intentionally ignored and avoided, concentrating on non-flammable-romance type conversation!

    Esteemed, I would like to comment about this. When things were happening with ShyGuy, when he was drunk, he would dance flirtatiously with me for hours on end, hug constantly, look at me that way, have conversations, took care of me, bought my drinks, held on to me when walking on ice, walk me to my house/car, etc.

    When he was sober, he would avoid.

    Everyone told me I had to make the first move. So, after 2 years, I did. He told me, “Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.” and basically, he wasn’t interested. I didn’t believe him and I still don’t. Since then, he was drunk once, texted me inviting me camping for the weekend and told me what he’s trying to say is he digs me. Then, the next day, when he was sober, he canceled camping.

    I worry you are so caught up on R, like I was with ShyGuy for 3 years, and nothing will ever come of it. It doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested, but it just may never come to fruition. Please keep that in mind. ShyGuy’s sister-in-law recently told me that he told her (when drunk) that I am the perfect girl for him. Yet, nothing would ever come of it, ever.

    It’s sad, but it’s true. He won’t be with anyone because he won’t allow it. He is standing in his own way.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:01am

  7. 7: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Emerson I believe that’s how men think (low class) because I have heard them use that type of term when referring to some women. Remember they want a prize. A woman who knows how to handle her emotions as speak up for herself and what she needs.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:02am

  8. 8: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I think ‘low class’ refers to the place that the woman has stooped to in referring to her man as having a ‘thick skull’.

    I have used such agressive language against men, and it does feel low class.
    With Rori’s help I have learned to elevate my capacity for respect.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:04am

  9. 9: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I feel this post is so about me…

    It’s the anger and fighting that I have in my head, that I can’t rise above, is a sure sign of immaturity in myself. I’m embarrased but it is true..

    I am so angry towards ONS man. I feel feelings of hate towards him, like I can’t let it go.

    And feelings of confusion. I need to allow myself to have these feelings, painful though they are. I wonder if me trying to block them out is actually making them worse.

    There has to be a better way of feeling than this…

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:18am

  10. 10: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl…when I read about your ShyGuy just now, it was very revealing. I am wondering if I was stuck in something like this with MrU too….although, hm, not sure.
    Time will tell, because he used to step up more and more…but in the end when ‘push came to shove’, he would not make it clear. I was his girlfriend without being his girlfriend because as soon as you mention relationship (which I never asked him for, just made clear that’s the life form I would like with a man, any man)…he would get stressed.
    So I don’t know what would have happened if we had time to let it unfold naturally, as we got closer and closer but I do wonder if, like your experience, it was never meant to be as he could never make that last jump and asked me to be with him…he would always skirt around the issue and insinuate…
    I want a man who is sure about me and sure about wanting me and only me.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:27am

  11. 11: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam ~ 10.

    “I want a man who is sure about me and sure about wanting me and only me.”

    First want to say I am really enjoying your voice here on the blog. You are articulate and very tuned in to yourself. It’s fun reading what you write here.

    I just want to say that I have found that it sometimes just takes a while for them to get there. Their timetables are different from ours. But just because a man isn’t right there today, doesn’t mean they won’t be. I have lived through this myself. The man I was with what VERY squeamish about admitting to us being in relationship for a long time, but then all of a sudden- things changed. I continued to be open to others while being sorta exclusive with him, but I never put pressure on the relationship. I just let it unfold organically, as hard as that was at times.

    And we actually got engaged a little over a month ago, so suddenly the guy who was VERY hesitant to admit to being “sure about me and sure about wanting me and only me” made that commitment.

    I truly believe it was my shift in vibe that created the environment he needed to “get there”.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:34am

  12. 12: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca yes, the resistance can make these feelings worse. Ask yourself why am I angry?

    It might not be about him. You might be angry with yourself. You might even be angry at God.

    I believe you are doing magnificently well exploring yourself like this.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:34am

  13. 13: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Also men don’t “talk” relationship. They live it. When we talk it some tend to take it personal as they hear “you are a failure” at taking care of the relationship.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:38am

  14. 14: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Curvysiren – wow. I loved your post so much.
    And congratulations on the engagement.

    Well, you see, I believe you’ve got a very good point..because I used to talk myself ‘out of it’ and made a lot of mistakes…however, he always came back and now I do not want to make a mistake of talking myself ‘into it’. But the more I learn here and the more I see what he does and how hard he is trying to get me to Florida (he even signed up to some website that sends him stuff and he forwarded it to me…it makes me smile)..

    I talk a lot, and he is a man of very few words. And those are about facts, figures and technical things. That together with the fact that he always used to make comments when there were other pretty girls around, made me feel like I should feel unloved, when in fact I felt very much loved and cared for, these were my triggers.

    One time I was so upset, he invites me to play ball, whilst boating with two girls in a group that he had earlier spoken about as being ‘hot’ – to me!!!. I declined to play and read my book. He went into the water and constantly called my name for about 5 minutes, I should join him. Well, I just ignored it and kept reading my book…and I had tears in my eyes, feeling so small and unattractive…then from under my sunglasses I observed him…..he did not even talk to them. One girl clearly fancied him, but he stood way away, never acted on it, and talked to a man. In the end, he came back onto the boat and I expected him to have the phone number of that girl (because we were not ‘officially’ a couple)…and he came with the guy, and they exchanged contact details for work or something…..I felt very silly, but still.

    The more I see what he does, it does unfold to me, however, as he keeps it all quiet and would never say ‘I did this for you’ it is sometimes hard to tell, he is just so non-verbal. In fact, I could swear his condo is only empty because he expected me to come back and rent it – but because he never says anything, it is difficult to know what is real and what isn’t. It may be just coincidence also. So I jump to doubting him and don’t want to do that anymore.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:53am

  15. 15: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @1337 Previous thread

    Esteemed, what if you rescued yourself from R? What would that feel like? Why do you think?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:58am

  16. 16: TamNo Gravatar says:

    curvy siren, two years is a pretty long time to be dilly-dallying in my case though..isn’t it?!
    He’s been dilly-dallying through plenty of my serious dates, one boyfriend etc.
    He said he did not have anyone else, but he knows I am not sitting around waiting for him..or at least he does now as I almost got ‘married away’ from underneath his nose….prompting him to really throw himself in there. But then he retracted again, so…the dilly-dallying bothers me a great deal.
    I know he is scared, so am I, but I always believe if a man is not worried that his ‘prize’ is going to be snatched away from him, then he doesn’t really want it. That’s my view.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  17. 17: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel anxious about the direction the blog is taking this morning…a lot of assigning motive, assuming that he is thinking one thing but saying another, and excuse making. What’s happening? How much might the vibe shift if we just let me lead and stop trying to ‘figure it out.’

    I don’t know, I’m as guilty of this as anyone…especially when my guy is pulling away. I just want to send love and positivity to everyone who is hurting this morning.

    ((((((Hurting Sirens))))))

    For me, there is nothing more peace inducing than allowing my man to be who he is, letting him lead and just resting in the knowledge that my Higher Power has this all under control.


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:02am

  18. 18: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, it’s been 2 1/2 years for me. Granted, I am divorced and not looking to start a family (I don’t know if you are) so time is very relative. But I have know for a while he was “it” for me and I was willing to invest the time, at least while my gut kept telling me to.

    I just have this “feeling” about your guy. Based on what you’ve said here, I think he is telling you that he wants to be with you…the best way he knows how. And I agree about the prize being snatched away comment. It sounds like he is waiting and anxious for you to come back, but again- he has his own way of communicating that. (ie. keeping the condo open etc.)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:12am

  19. 19: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    Hahah yes, I am so angry at God, probably more so then anything else! I feel like shaking my fist at him. Life seems very miserable without LOVE… Oh, that makes me sound so shallow… I need to get over myself.. grrr..

    Yes, I am angry.

    I am angry at MR ONS man.. He opened up to me, for one brief lovely moment, and then he closed up again.. Lol, I feel so sad about this. Sad for me.. Sad for him… I just feel sad..

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  20. 20: TamNo Gravatar says:

    18 Curvy Siren…it makes me feel good to read this because I have and had this ‘feeling’ all along with him, like it will all work out in the end and so on, but then something he will do or say and I am doubting. I lean back and see what happens and try to get into my vibe again, but it is hard…

    he will say something like that he is selling up and emigrating to Europe, he learnt the language of the country he wants to go to and is making concrete plans – just as I am about to make concrete plans to move to Florida…and then he is telling me that he will ‘still be in Fl when you get back’, and the boat is waiting for me and so on.
    So all the dilly-dallying….well, I have the feeling that he would even still be in Fl if I came back in 10 years…but he IS making plans to move to Europe and moving away…it’s a lot of mixed messages, you know?! Part of me was feeling so insecure because of these mixed messages, but I realise now that he is not saying these things to confuse me, he really does not know what he wants to do, he is figuring it out and I only have a minor side role in the movie, so it seems.

    He has hinted at wanting kids with me..several times, but it’s always coming across as a joke…I never know how to handle it and reply with a joke too. It ‘feels’ to me that he is dead serious.

    I am at a loss as to what is happening here…and I am trying to get back on my horse and just not worry and date other guys but the fact is that for all his faults and quirks, I love him and he loves me – but it just may never end up as anything – I am totally aware of that and it makes me sad, but as the saying goes ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’ – that’s the bottom line.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:36am

  21. 21: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea, BUT
    he also knows that I left the guy I was supposedly getting married to, because he re-appeared on the scene. Now, if I had married my then boyfriend, I would now be in Florida, where I want to be. I did not love him, but I liked him very very much. I realised that I did not love him because when MrU re-appeared on the scene, not 100 horses could have held me there. It was impossible – and also my then bf and I had some big issues due to the fact he was recently divorced with two kids and all the associaten problems, and of course my emotional unavailability in not being able to open up and deal with the issues…
    Sooooo I did not tell him for a long time why we did not get married and just said that we fell out of love, when in fact later I did tell him it had something to do with him, MrU, arriving on the scene. So I can’t be sure if he now just ‘feels sorry’ for me and wants to help me to live there by helping with advice etc. I don’t see the wood for the trees..
    but to be honest, I don’t think so. I don’t think he feels guilty, because he was so happy when I did not get married, it was like he was a new man and totally relieved…hm…sorry, I am just pondering, when, I know, I should think about myself.
    So now I stop!! 😉

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:54am

  22. 22: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ..ok, I will stop but I have another big BUT…he is on a dating website looking for his ‘dream woman’ and he makes a big point of being a ‘single guy’ and will say it to everyone and me…so as far as I see..what I see is what I get. And it amounts to just a ‘feeling’ but no concrete evidence, and as I am not religious (sorry to those of you who are) – I find it hard to believe the things that I can’t see with my own eyes or hear with my own ears..cause what this amounts to, at the end of the day – is an imaginary relationship – and I certainly don’t want that.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:12am

  23. 23: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Hi tam,

    Just trying to understand more, who is the ‘he’ you talk about? Is this mr u or the guy you were meant to marry? Or were you meant to marry mr u and there’s another man?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:12am

  24. 24: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    have fun…. everything will get done

    hum hum hum

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  25. 25: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Facebook- hmm should I de friend him…?

    It’s been a week since he said he would let me know about the wedding…

    Hmm I’m thinking rude

    Wow how my feelings have changed towards him…

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:18am

  26. 26: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Evening ladies
    Ive been reading back on old blog posts

    So much pain and hurt out there
    And some excellent advice too

    I wish i had found this blog years ago

    Tam, it sounds as though he does want to hang on to you, but will he give you what you need
    You seem so in touch with your feelings

    Esteemed, I would so love for you to be free of R.I feel so sad reading your posts.You are clearly a beautiful special woman with so much to give

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:20am

  27. 27: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    : Mercedes says:
    Rori: Do you think you can lean forward without hurting anything too? I mean if you’re comfortable in your relationship?
    Sometimes I lean in and kiss J…no asking…no leaning back and “waiting” or being open to it when he decides but actually grabbing ahold of his cheeks and planting one on him when he’s just sitting there minding his own business. He likes it…and I’m comfortable with it. My question do you think over time this will have negative results for me or do you think that because I’m doing what I want without expectations (oh…except that he’s going to kiss me back…I expect that…or at least would be shocked if it didn’t happen…) that’s why it works for us? Because I’m not expecting him to say anything or stop what he’s doing and spend the next 30 minutes staring into my eyes or taking out the trash? I’m just kissing him because he’s sitting there and looks all hot and I think it’s the right thing to do in that moment?
    I wonder about this a lot because I have those moments when I have to lean back because I’ve found myself wishing or hoping for a result or something specific to happen…I love the lean back concept because of those times. But I also like to lean forward…and I think it’s sweet when we do it.
    I wonder if Lisa’s man is angry and hurt because she’s leaned so far back she’s no longer doing the things he fell in love with about her…like if she gave spontaneous kisses or pats on the butt or if she made his special breakfast every Sunday morning and he loved that about her or if she always handed him the sports section of the paper first, etc. Sometimes, when we stop overfunctioning (which is another concept I TOTALLY agree with) we also stop doing the things these men loved about us from the start. Maybe her man just misses some of those things and she’s leaned just a bit too far back? Do you think that’s possible?
    I’m struggling with this one a bit…
    Much Love,

    Rori Raye says:
    Mercedes – I’m back from my seminar and trying to catch up with all of you…and just put up a post in answer to Lisa…I’d like to put your question in a post, too…because – remember – my Tools are only Tools – they’re not a lifestyle or way of life. The goal here is for you to feel like a “rock star free spirit” and to be able to do ANYTHING you WANT! The thing is – most of us have such terrible habits, wanting things and trying to get them, having agendas for everything we do – that in order to get a grip and become AWARE of what we’re doing and where the impulses are coming from – we have to, as I say – “go back to the wall.” Love, Rori

    tinque says:
    If I may Mercedes, when you’ve been in a relationship a long time as you and I have (this can apply sometimes to a new relationship depending on the dynamic between the two people) there has been a energy established between you. There’s a comfort, a familiarity, a knowing the other person maybe better than they know themselves.
    When you SPONTANEOUSLY initiate affection or sex or when you FEEL like cooking for him or doing something for him, and this comes form a purity of heart, NO AGENDA, then yes of course. Do what moves you and feels good TO YOU.
    You are not a smotherer. This is the kiss of death for many men. So please relax and continue to be YOU. You are NOT creating potential damage.
    You know I initiate a lot. You know I cook for K when I want to. You know I seduce him when I feel like. K likes this very much as long as I don’t do for him with any expectations lingering in my mind or fawn over him, smother him.

    “how do we go from leaning back all the way to then leaning forward rock star like ”

    Mercedes – When one leans all the way back, the heart is still wide open and giving in that sense. It’s the action, the overfunctioning that has ceased.
    You will feel when the energy between you two has relaxed and opened back up. He will likely want to come to you because he misses you.
    At first it might feel awkward. You might be in your head a bit, wondering, “should I?, shouldn’t I”. And so you test the waters, a little here, a little there. Check in with yourself to see where your intention REALLY is. And you make little moves, a gentle kiss maybe, a reaching for his hand maybe. You get really, really tired of take out, so you cook again one night.
    Make sense?

    tinque says:
    Mercedes – My response to men who get angry when his women ceases over functioning is two fold. First I would suggest checking inside to see if your heart (not you personally, the hypothetical you) is closing off along with the shutting down of action.
    Men are for more sensitive to this than many women realize.
    If your heart is truly wide open, in receiving mode, in wafting love mode, then I would ask you why are you with such a man. Most good men would breathe a huge sigh of relief at the freed up energy. Most good men would wait and see if maybe there was a problem with you, but he wouldn’t feel this in your energy, so again he would feel relieved.
    Most good men would eventually ask about the change in behavior, WITHOUT anger. And you would say, “I just was feeling so much pressure from myself to “perform”, to cook, clean, whatever, and now I’m feeling exhausted. I don’t want to feel pressure. I don’t want to feel exhausted.” Or something like this.
    I would NOT want a man who would get angry period, let alone for something like this. Would you?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  28. 28: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    1. Sharing Feelings: Information or Attack?
    By Dr. Margaret Paul
    December 31, 2006
    When you share your feelings with a person you are upset with, what happens? Discover when it is helpful to share your feelings, and when it is controlling.
    “I’m angry with you.”
    “I’m feeling really hurt by what you said to me.”
    “I’m so disappointed in you.”
    “I’m feeling really irritated with you.”
    How often have you said these things to others? And how do they generally respond?
    Do they get defensive?
    Do they get angry?
    Do they withdraw?
    Do they lecture or explain things to you, trying to talk you out of your feelings?
    Do they become people pleasers, trying to fix your feelings?
    Are they open and curious?
    Most likely, they will respond with some form of protective, defensive behavior, because they probably feel attacked.
    Why would they feel attacked by your expression of feelings?
    When someone has done something that is upsetting to you, the question to ask yourself when you are sharing your feelings with that person is, “What is my intent in sharing my feelings with this person?”
    There are two possible answers to this question:
    I am sharing my feelings to give information.
    I am sharing my feelings to blame the person for causing my feelings.
    If you were sharing your feelings to give information, you might say, “I’m feeling angry with you, so I’m going out for a walk and try to deal with it.”
    If you were taking responsibility for your own feelings, you may not say anything about your feelings to the other person. You would go inside and explore what you are telling yourself that is causing you to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or irritated. You might share information, such as, “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to take a bath.”
    But if you just say, “I’m angry with you,” or “You hurt my feelings,” then you are not taking responsibility for your feelings – you are dumping your feelings on the other person, and he or she will feel blamed.
    “But he did make me angry!” you might be thinking. “She did hurt my feelings.” “He did disappoint me.” Behind these statements lies a major false belief – the belief that others cause your feelings.
    It is not what another person says or does that causes your upsets, but your expectations and what you tell yourself about another’s behavior that causes your painful feelings. If you expected a birthday gift and didn’t get one, you will feel disappointed, but it is your expectation that caused the disappointment. If someone ignores you or rejects you, what do you tell yourself? Do you tell yourself that you are not good enough, not lovable enough? This is what will hurt you or make you feel angry. You will feel hurt and angry when you allow yourself to take others’ behavior personally. If you then blame them for your feelings, you are being a victim rather than taking responsibility for having taken their behavior personally.
    Others will likely feel manipulated, blamed and controlled when you make a statement such as “I’m angry with you,” or “I’m feeling hurt by what you said.” If the other person says “That’s your problem,” or responds with anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal, and then you respond with “I’m just sharing my feelings,” the interaction can get really convoluted.
    Next time you share your feelings and the other person gets angry, defensive, or withdrawn, take a moment to investigate your own intention. The chances are you are covertly blaming the other person for your feelings. Once you discover that this is what you are doing, disengage from the interaction and do an Inner Bonding process to explore how you might be causing your own feelings. What are you telling yourself and how are you treating yourself that is causing your upsetting feelings?
    You will discover that your interactions with others greatly improve when you stop being a victim by blaming others for your feelings and start to take responsibility for your own feelings through your Inner Bonding practice.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  29. 29: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling grounded and calm reading back on here(old posts)

    Its really helping

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  30. 30: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Ahh more similarities I’m hearing Tam. lol. It’s hard not to compare but also natural to do so I think. My guy also tends to joke about things and only because I know him SO well am I able to understand that it’s joking and not let it bother me. Ya know?

    But I really do trust instincts about these things and I feel like you are handling this beautifully. I would just gently suggest to have patience and continue to live your life, take care of yourself and CD as much as it feels beneficial to you. You’re doing really well!!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:28am

  31. 31: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    FW thank you

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:33am

  32. 32: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    thanks, femininewoman. i feel so real-life & not-a-failure reading what you are posting : )

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:40am

  33. 33: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling really disappointed today that CF could NOT handle communication/working through things. He just took his ball and went home.

    I’ve never had that happen before, where a guy knew i was something special he had been looking for his whole life, and then did a 180 and just disappeared. I do believe I was THE one he had been looking for, and HE has his own issues so he poofed. I am taking less and less responsibility for his actions now as time goes on, but then again, i have transformed and shifted so much away from my own contributions to our issues, that it’s hard for me to remember how i acted lol

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  34. 34: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, whoever said grief was not linear had it spot on
    There will be days when you rage and grieve just like it was yesterday
    And then days when you are moving on

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:48am

  35. 35: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i do think he’ll be back, too.
    and i don’t know how i could ever trust him again
    i do miss him terribly
    but the way he handled things is a pretty bad sign of how unstable a longer term relationship with him could be.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:56am

  36. 36: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i am guessing he’ll be back right when i’ve decided to take another man seriously.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  37. 37: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i can see it now – choosing between a guy who is stable to me and gives me an amazing relationship, but who doesn’t bring me the chemistry i had with cf, hoping it will one day develop, or CF, who does offer an amazing experience but it’s so tenuous there are no guarantees whatsoever it’ll last. It’s like, “choose between the good guy and your true love.”

    i feel it in my bones that CF will be back. Because I am detaching from him now and I can kinda feel energetically that he is questioning himself now.

    And I probably sound like a kook, but I trust these “feelings” I get.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:01am

  38. 38: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    So here’s what I did….

    a few weeks ago I deleted my ex of 2 years ago off Facebook. I was triggered by pics of him and his new gf coming up in my newsfeed.

    After major realisations yesterday about our past relationship I leant forward today and texed him. I have not spoken to him in 8 months but recently my best friend and his best friend have been spending time together.

    Hm… Why did I do this? Do I want to see if it’s over? Do I want male attention…?

    I think I was feeling guilty about deleting him and didn’t want to appear unfriendly. Why was I triggered by seeing pictures in my newsfeed?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  39. 39: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    But, will you still want him when he comes back?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  40. 40: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i believe it is possible to have an amazing and safe relationship with a HOT man, I just don’t think I can handle it yet, haha. I have work to do on myself to be secure enough to handle it. I couldn’t handle it with CF.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  41. 41: TamNo Gravatar says:

    23 Smile..ok, here goes.
    MrU and I met 2 years ago…during which time we were a sort of couple and then sort of not and lots of misunderstandings and miscommunication and silences.
    I decided at some point to date other guys, but we always kept in contact, well I usually initiated..and that was part of the prob, cause I never knew if he wanted me cause I was the initiator. One day I gave up completely.
    Then he started leaning forward and taking me out etc. and then withdrew. When he withdrew, I thought: ok, time to MOVE on. And I did. I met a lovely guy who was freshly divorced and was the total opposite. He told me 10 times a day that he loved me, way too soon, he wanted me to move in with him, marry him – I thought ‘yea, that’s how it is supposed to be’ and ‘fell for it’…I did not check my feelings because underneath I knew they were off about something..and then I got it all. The kids had no discipline (staying up playing drums till midnight), the ex wife was walking in and out of the house like she still lived there…and so on.
    And I could not talk to him (emotional unavailability). And then, lo and behold…MrU contacts me, he had our friends there and he wants to see me. So he was my escape, we did lots of stuff together but this time, it didn’t go sexual (because I was still kinda involved with the other guy)..and it was lovely because we were like best friends. But of course this didn’t last because from the first day I kissed MrU, I could not kiss the other guy anymore (silly me) or do anything with him, and he knew and we split up – we were already discussing/planning marriage (also so we could stay together in the US)so that was all gone then.
    I did not tell MrU why we split up, and he did not know the full story. So then I was single again, and we did even more stuff together, I stayed at MrU’s house, he was lovely..he even at some point said he would marry me if it was a win-win for both of us, i e I could help him live in the country in Europe and he would help me – but I said it wouldn’t work (and it wouldn’t have because I did not want to live in Europe). He did not ask me to marry him for love and already I was a bit wounded by that, but ok.
    Then I had to go back to Europe as my visa ran out but I never had a commitment from MrU, so in effect I could have got married and got my visa but I dropped everything for love….even knowing that the man might not commit to me – MrU – and I did not pressure him cause I know him.
    And he did not say: be my girlfriend. He let me go back to Europe all unresolved.
    And then he signed back onto the dating website, looking for ‘the woman of his dreams’ and I cut contact…..until he started it again some time back and we are kind of getting re-aquainted now. No matter how many times I will tell him ‘I don’t want to be just friends, I do not want to stay in contact’, he will always ignore and contact me again. Lately I have been opening up to him, telling him everything that happened around the proposed marriage and some other things, and he really jumped forward and is initiating more contact and has started to open up himself….but, you know, I am at a loss now. I feel that I have forsaken another man and my life in Florida and I received just a lukewarm handshake instead – and I was ok with that because I knew him and had no expectations, but it has left a bitter aftertaste.
    I don’t know what he’d have done if I had opened up to him sooner, told him what really happened (he did not know I chose him over another guy like that), and revealed a bit more of my persona and my feelings.
    It is what it is. I have kind of given up hoping, oh for a long time..but he keeps coming back, and every time more strongly. When I am there I FEEL like his girlfriend, he has nobody else, I know his friends/family etc. And when I have to leave I FEEL dropped….so I start again.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  42. 42: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I think I’ll hold back off deleting strumming man

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:05am

  43. 43: TamNo Gravatar says:

    36 Starla, that’s what happened to me.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:09am

  44. 44: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Curvy Siren, your posts have been of much comfort to me, because some things I feel and then wonder ‘are they just imaginations?’ I am happy and feel understood. Thank you.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:11am

  45. 45: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t really want to worry myself so much with this stuff, though. I am just going to CD like crazy, keep an open mind and open heart, and see what happens. I’m young and beautiful and sweet and everything is OKAY

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:17am

  46. 46: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, now I understand more. Thank you for sharing that.

    I see you have an elastic band man too!


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:20am

  47. 47: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”

    – Lucille Ball

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:24am

  48. 48: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    OMG he just texed back! That was spooky!

    I actually didn’t think he would. But it feels really good to hear from him :)

    He wrote

    ” …I assume you have your reasons for deleting me on Facebook lol. You don’t need to answer but can I ask why?
    Anyway whatever it is I hope we don’t lose complete contact as I would like to stay in touch and on good terms with you! …”

    Seriously need help on feeling messages here…

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:31am

  49. 49: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile he sounds nice!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:35am

  50. 50: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Some cut and past from Carol Allen on Tom and Katie Cruise

    Now, speaking of compatibility, Tom and Katie have almost PERFECT compatibility together… They have easy friendship, agreement, understanding, a feeling of safety and ease, and more.
    And Tom and Katie have no big “obstacles” in their way, no “misfortune,” no problems of “respect” and no big imbalances in their “temperaments.” They also have a high “wavelength score” indicating they’d want the same things at the same time.
    They’re compatible enough to divorce easily, too!)
    But they do have one thing against them that we’ve heard about A LOT in the press ever since they got married in 2007.
    In this technique it looks to a little thing called “Assertive Pressure” and it’s considered one of the most important things to consider. And it’s off between Tom and Katie… way off…
    Here’s why this is important:
    “For two people to have a harmonious relationship, not only must they have an innate attunement towards each other, they must also assert themselves equally, or else the relationship will become imbalanced and frustrated. The position of Mars in your horoscope, and not just in one of your Vedic charts but in three important charts, determines how much force you assert yourself with in your relationship. If both people assert themselves with relatively equal force, they will be able to work together to have a balanced and healthy relationship. If one of them asserts themselves more than the other, the relationship will become imbalanced.”
    And – just like all the tabloids have been saying for years, here’s what their report says about the “imbalance” of power between them:
    “The man asserts himself with more force than the woman. This can result in the woman feeling pushed into the corner or like she never has a say on a matter. She may also find it hard to say ‘no’ when she needs to in the face of the man’s stronger presence. If by chance the man is a very gentle person, he may simply be very stubborn and quietly insist on things going the way he deems fit. This can make it quite difficult for the woman’s concerns to be met and while her concerns may not be challenged, sufficient attention will not likely be given to them.”
    And THAT would be why a woman would secretly plan to leave a man, and only let him know once she’s got everything taken care of and mapped out… sigh.

    By the way – every time there’s a big difference in “assertive pressure” between a couple – when they’re essentially a lion and a mouse, the mouse ALWAYS leaves the lion…
    There’s been studies on this very dynamic and it happens about 95% of the time. And no one is more surprised than the more “assertive” person of the two, because they’d been “in charge” all along – before the mouse finally had enough.
    And so it’s common for people at a level of excellence and mastery, to have an incredibly strong influence helping them to be extremely disciplined. And Tom does.

    Now, this same influence that helps him have laser-vision focus – the kind that enables a man to work out for ten hours a day, do his own death defying stunts off of skyscrapers, endure military jungle training for weeks (which my husband did with him years ago for “Born on the Fourth of July” – no kidding!), or learn to SING like a rock God in a handful of months (go see “Rock of Ages” – he steals the movie!) is not the greatest for his love life.

    And it would be the thing in his chart that would make him the hardest to be close to.

    “This indicates a pained personality as well as a personality that is painful to be with or live with. A man with this kind of powerful Saturn energy is generally very controlling due to his fears, which cause him to worry that others may make mistakes. He’ll tend to feel very isolated, but can be so difficult to be around that even his loved ones may avoid him, while at the same time feeling sorry for him. He’ll desire wealth as a means of security, and is usually cautious in spending. He will be attached to his mother, and she will have a strong influence on him.”

    The lesson behind this is for him to learn how to move forward in life in a healthy and balanced way. Until he learns that, he can be overwhelming, pushy, and frustrated and insensitive to what happens around him as he does what he thinks he needs to do…

    “In his relationship this can cause problems as it can make him very intent on making the relationship work until one day he gets another strong intention and then he puts all his energy into that and lets the relationship slide…

    A guy like this can be EXTRA confusing for a woman because at first he’ll be SO into her – jumping on couches and singing his love off the rooftops, but then he’ll be obsessed with his projects, and busy to a fault.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:36am

  51. 51: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Smile you can start by telling him how you felt in the moment you got the response.

    Then if you wish respond about still having feelings for him above friendship and how jealous you felt seeing him with the new girlfriend. Use the I am just a girl here.

    This helps you to practice speaking your truth and opening your heart.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:41am

  52. 52: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    The problem with Tom and Katie is that Katie isn’t a man.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:41am

  53. 53: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam- he is, he’s lovely  thank you for yesterday for helping me to see that you don’t need to hear I love you to know you are loved

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:56am

  54. 54: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    I feel so good to hear that Tam. I tend to stay pretty quiet here but something told me to share with you today. My relationship has been all over the place too. I could tell you so many stories. It’s been a 2 1/2 year rollercoaster, but I always knew somewhere deep inside, we’d end up together. And he has totally committed himself to me and to us in the past several months, making me really happy and mostly trusting my own gut for hanging in there, when it seemed unwise or at least, very confusing. I trusted that the Universe would take care of making sure things played out as they were supposed to. I’m not religious either- so this is about as spiritual as it gets for me. lol

    So glad to share with you. Like I said earlier, your voice has added so much here. I look forward to hearing how this all turns out…I have my own suspicions on how it will! :)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:57am

  55. 55: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Well, he hasn’t responded regarding the condo yet so that means two things, that I fabricated a story regarding him keeping it empty for me and the second thing – means I am stuck here another 4 months instead of two, which is even worse. Nevermind, eh?!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:58am

  56. 56: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine woman, how bout this…

    ” … It felt really nice to see your name on my phone again when you texed. Hm… My reasons for deleting you… I don’t often see you in my newsfeed but suddenly you started appearing more. I felt a pang of jealousy seeing you with your new girlfriend- I’m just a girl here lol”

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:01pm

  57. 57: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Curvysiren, I feel so happy for you that it worked out, really. You sound so wise, eloquent and relaxed!! I feel soothed!!
    I also try to trust in the Universe and all I can do is live my life in awareness and try to be positive about my situation which is challenging, and men should be the least of my worries.
    But it has made me much calmer hearing your story…please keep me posted! :)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:03pm

  58. 58: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam truthfully I feel a bit uncomfortable about the condo agenda. It seems too convenient or maybe that you might need him for your convenience. Not necessarily that you are interested in the human being who owns the condo. If he senses you only need him because of the condo it might leave him feeling not good enough.

    Do this make sense?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:04pm

  59. 59: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I almost feel worried bout the opposite, like he would think I’d want the Condo to be close to him!!
    I am almost glad you see it like that.
    You see, he offered it not for free but for a small rent, and he offered it many times. I am very sure that he would not feel like I use him because in return I offered to also help with his housework (not anymore overfunctioning), he is a hoarder too and distraught about it, he does not let many people into his house and we cleared it together last time – and had loys of fun out of what is for him a very troublesome situation. We have already gone through a lot together.
    I am confident he knows I would never use him. And I trust he would never ‘use’ me.
    But thanks for the perspective…

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:10pm

  60. 60: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i’m noticing i can choose to Respect my “anger” ……. & also… Value it…… & also even Enjoy it : ))

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:11pm

  61. 61: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Having said that – who knows, FW. He does need a lot of reassurance, that’s for sure.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:13pm

  62. 62: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i’m picturing it looking like me getting “hit by lightening”…. & thus, yes, Shocked… but also a bit “en-light-en-ed” lol

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:14pm

  63. 63: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    … It felt really good to see your name on my phone again when you texed though I did not expect a response. Hm… I am just a girl here and I felt a pang of jealousy everytime I saw you in my newsfeed with new girlfriend. I still have feelings for you way above friendship and just could not continue to put myself through that.”

    This is me though. I definitely would take out lol though I know it is almost standard these days. It gives a suggestion that you are laughing at your own feelings in a kind of put down way as if they are not important. To me at least that is how it seems.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  64. 64: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, he loves it when I am there, it’s next to his house and I stayed a weekend once and first thing in the morning he’d scream my name underneath the window…hehe to come around to his place for breakfast. It was cute.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:19pm

  65. 65: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for the advice FW!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:21pm

  66. 66: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, I agree, your message seems cool except the kind of devalues the other stuff…I do this too, sometimes I say something and make it less strong by putting one of those 😉
    But I am stopping it now, I feel it changes the tone

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:22pm

  67. 67: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i notice i try to “clamp down” on those “Negative Emotions”… & that makes me feel “Separate” from my Authentic Self…….. which makes me feel “Separate” in general…. which makes me feel lone-ly & un-loved (((hugs))) to the human heart (((love))) good vibes & comfort. slow, ease… understanding, love, patience, humility, generosity, gratitude

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:25pm

  68. 68: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Smile, ha, with FW power message he might drop his gf….

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:29pm

  69. 69: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing are you lk?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:31pm

  70. 70: SmileNo Gravatar says:


    I did indeed put it in there to lighten the tone of what I wanted to say and make it less serious. But I can def see it was not the place for it.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:39pm

  71. 71: SmileNo Gravatar says:


    I believe in the power of the universe!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:40pm

  72. 72: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    We are very alike!!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:44pm

  73. 73: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Me too Smile, me too. Some days, like today, I get a bit confused, but basically we have to trust it will all unfold like it should. Sigh.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 12:45pm

  74. 74: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    hi, femininewoman! i needed a “shift” : )

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:02pm

  75. 75: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling high and uncomfortable stretching my intimacy comfort zone

    i just panicked felt unworthy and scared and am pushing a good man away and i felt upset and i feel myself turning cold and i see it as im writing it aww

    and also i feel panicked and anxious and i want my alone time

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:04pm

  76. 76: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im ‘working hard’ to take care of my girl and i want to stop!


    stop daria

    i overfunctioned to take care of my girl’s feelings and now i feel uncomfortable and i threw it on my man and now i feel upset w him and

    i feel guilty and unworthy that i took care of my girl

    and possibly ‘hurt’ myself and if i dont look at it that way

    my money honey says im doing feeling lovely

    im feeling money stress is this mine no

    okay i am okay yay

    i can feel chill

    yeahy :)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:07pm

  77. 77: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Been a while since I shifted. Maybe I could use one too??!!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:15pm

  78. 78: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    “is this mine?” yummy question, daria : )

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:16pm

  79. 79: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    by my girl i meant my friend who is over here hehe :)

    now i feel better i watched porn and had an orgasm yay i love me!

    im soooo fun and cool

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:24pm

  80. 80: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing ?

    right? cuz whats the last time i had money stress?

    Money is my honey and he takes EXCELLENT care of me

    i never have to stress about him we’ve got and amazing and wonderful expanding relationship!

    :) mmmmmm yum

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:26pm

  81. 81: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sandy – I’m holding your comments in moderation – and here’s what I wrote to you, and to anyone new who’s not familiar with the “Guidelines”:
    If you’re new to the blog, there are guidelines (look for the “Guideline” page over in the right sidebar) – and unless you’re a professional coach or therapist, I can’t let your comments through if they are “advice-driven.”.

    Basically, we’re all working toward vulnerability and using Feeling Messages – and I frown on ANYONE giving “advice” to anyone else.

    If you’d like to participate on the blog – instead of judging anyone’s behavior or thinking or actions or feelings, or analyzing her situation or warning her – I’d encourage you to look inside yourself, at how you’re being triggered by someone else’s words and experiences and situation, and how your own feelings feel to you.

    That would be valuable to everyone, most especially YOU – which is why this blog is the way it is.

    My professional experience tells me that any woman who is judging, anayzing and figuring out other women on the blog is also doing that with men. And we’re all working toward stopping that completely.

    Love, Rori

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:38pm

  82. 82: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I was just thinking “i want some romantic male attention from someone other than CL” and 2 seconds later the NICEST texts came through on my phone from another guy:

    “I just had an argument with myself about you. One side of my brain decided to declare that you are the best person we know. The other side decided you are actually the most amazing person we know.. But wait.. this gets kind of epic.

    So the debate was born, best or amazing… back and forth they went making points and giving examples to one another… Neither giving an inch except conceding to agree that they both believe you to be strikingly gorgeous and deeply missed…

    FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS… the battle went on… pitting brother against brother in an epic battle of wills that was only finally decided when one side killed the other.

    Therefore.. you are officially the most amazing person I know… And I don’t know how to do math anymore….”

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:40pm

  83. 83: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Re 81, I feel so curious what Sandy had to say. It feels like not being able to open up a present hahaha. Ohhh, I’m such a stubborn baby (((((((((stubborn baby)))))))))

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:44pm

  84. 84: TamNo Gravatar says:

    wowsie, Rori, your post has reminded me that we should stop analysing..and I was just going to put more of that into’s been one of those days..but at least I am aware of it. sigh.

    I just got a fb message from the friend who is staying at MrU’s place, telling me how he made him his super duper coffee (of which I also had many), and told him a few new stories. I was proud of myself, because of course I felt sadness and curiosity, but I did not ask anything regarding women or anything at all, I just told him to hug ‘my two cuties’ (MrU and a neighbour I adore, an old man) and hope all is well. No questions no inquiry..

    It did make me think a little, how really, other than intuition, I have no idea that I am not just one of these friends for MrU also….and of course as I am a woman and cute he is attracted to me, and wants to be physically intimate, as we know men can be physically intimate with many women – no probs. That does not mean he is in love with me or interested in anything else. It could really be that he just wants friendship, I have no indication to the contrary, and there is nothing in the emails either pointing to any romantic feelings.
    I will just take that with me from today, as a little lesson.
    Never assume anything. Go with the evidence.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

  85. 85: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I also wonder what Sandy was going to say…somehow I felt unfomfortable though, because i spewed all over the blog..I ponder – was it me she was trying to advise…to ‘shut up’ perhaps?! lol
    The mind boggles 😉

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:52pm

  86. 86: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, haha, that’s funny. I thought, “she is telling me I need to see a shrink for schizophrenia cuz of these “gut feelings” I get”


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:55pm

  87. 87: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    The girlfriend means NOTHING – unless it means something to HIM! He’s “fair game” in that you need have no guilt feelings about dating him.

    BUT – if he’s in love with her – you’re never going to get close to him.  Not going to happen.

    If she’s a “for now” girlfriend – you have as excellent chance of him moving closer to you as HE has of getting closer to you. In other words, the playing field is “level.”

    So – here’s the deal: Are you wasting your time and energy on him?

    And the answer is ALWAYS YES!!!!!

    No matter WHAT the circumstances (he’s recently separated, just divorced, getting divorced, living with a girlfriend but not in love with her….whatever) the ONLY thing that matters is what he DOES around YOU.

    If he makes a lot of effort to see you, then you get to set your perimeters of how you want this to look (he has to be officially separated or divorced, he has to move out of the girlfriend’s house…whatever you want…).

    If he makes a lot of effort to see you, it’s exactly the same as with any OTHER man you’re Circular Dating.

    If he makes a little bit of effort to see you – it’s STILL the same as with any other man you’re Circular Dating.

    If he makes no effort at all to see you – then –there’s not even anything to Circular Date with.

    He’s either there or he isn’t.

    It might take time to find out where this man is.  In the meantime – you Circular Date him.  That means you flirt, you have coffee – whatever HE invites you to…and you observe. You observe to see if you’re a good match, if you’re on the same page, if you’re in the same place.

    If you start to feel uncomfortable, you back off. You stop Circular Dating him.

    I know this sounds way too simple – but it IS SIMPLE!!!

    Just by trying to figure this out – you’re giving him WAY too much power!

    See if you can take his circumstances and this other woman out of the picture, and just respond to him the way you would ANY man. Practice with him the way you would ANY man. Stay OPEN to him the way you would ANY man.

    Can you break the situation down this way?  It requires stripping away all the extra stuff that’s crowding your thinking around this. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with his girlfriend/no-girlfriend situation.

    He’s either there with you or he’s not.

    Let’s see what he does.

    YOU, in the meantime, Circular Date and keep in good touch with how you’re FEELING. Because here’s what the REAL problem is:

    Because you’re unsure about the “logistics” of his situation, it’s making it so you can’t be open, authentic, warm, openly attracted to him, confident with him.  All the Modern Siren things you know how to be. You can’t practice drawing him in, because you’re feeling confused and guilty about his “situation.”

    You’ve created a situation here with a man who you don’t know his actual “availability.”  So….FORGET ABOUT THAT!!!

    Just Circular Date him. Practice trusting yourself in the moment instead of trying to guess what’s going on, and what’s going to go on several moments from now.

    He’ll fill in the blanks as you go – and if there’s nothing there – you won’t be invested because – you KNOW how to do this!!

    This was helpful to read!!!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:56pm

  88. 88: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Ha maybe sandy is my ex’s currently girlfriend who’s Sussed me out and saying stay away lol!

    Well she doesn’t need to worry if she follows roris tools and reads post 87

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 1:59pm

  89. 89: TamNo Gravatar says:

    haha..I believe now we need to know what Sandy was all about…oh pleeeeeeze…

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:05pm

  90. 90: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I know, I feel a little minimized or something having someone decide FOR me that I need “protecting” from a certain communication style.

    But I also feel trusting of Rori’s judgment. Plus it’s her blog and if she wants to avoid a sh*tstorm, then she should:)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:09pm

  91. 91: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I was just actually thinking today what a safe place this blog is. I hope it doesn’t change. And please, if I offend anyone then let me know..

    I agree with Rori though about us all being triggered. I felt very triggered today about something, but I held back because I realised it was all about me and stuff I needed to work through.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:09pm

  92. 92: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    I feel fascinated how we will often automatically think it must be about us when we hear there has been a negative sounding comment made, and we can’t see what it’s really about.

    This is universal by the way. Most of us will do this. It’s something to notice and the turn to self and lavish even more love thereupon. :)


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:15pm

  93. 93: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    This is too true. Rori’s advice is on point. I have been in this situation and know it.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:18pm

  94. 94: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – It’s not that RR doesn’t think you can handle it. It’s more that it’s not appropriate or useful to what it going on here, what this forum is about.


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:19pm

  95. 95: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    wow… i love my socially-awkward self & i’m not really even feeling that “cool” about that “Label” i just gave myself….

    so i’m going to skip that part about saying i’m one way or another

    & just say i feel really uncomfortable & confused about facebook…. & sad : ((( awwww (((little girl))) awww oh i feel so ashamed (((it’s ok))) hugs….

    it’s like i go on… because i want to Connect & feel Connected….. & then….. all the names, images…. news stories………. i feel……….. Drowned Out. i feel helpless & “like a stranger”… ((((lonely)))) it’s ok little girl, i don’t mind & everyone has their own Wavelength they’re “on”…. it’s chill, i’m not a loser ! lol i’m not ! i’m not a loser : ) i’m pretty cool ……. & not because i have “cool” boyfriends or because i was in the “cool” sorority…… or because i’m “smart” or “pretty” or anything. i’m just cool, because everything is amazing ! yeah ! everything is totally awesomely amazing & i’m part of it : )) good girl i think it’s great : )))

    i do still feel interested… intrigued… by facebook : ) like, i DO want to feel connected there…

    i feel a bit confused…. like, who i am “allowed” to contact. because there’s no “opt-in” or, the phone rings & someone chooses to answer it… it’s very Push-Push technology….. (((gentle girl)))…….. i see all the human faces….. some of them are REALLY close to me. like, my mama or my cousin. or my best friends who are girls (who i don’t talk to barely at all anymore since they’re all out of state) or my best friends who are guys (same thing, plus the added confusion of contacting men with Girlfriends, because i don’t want to cause any women any stress…)…….. it feels Weird to contact my besties…. because i don’t feel like anything really happens. like, i could say “oh ! you’re so cute in that picture & i miss you” but i feel that’s obvious that i miss them. & obviously i think they’re the cutest things ever all the time because their faces make my heart feel warm : )

    some people “read” really fun & cool : ) i like to “follow” starly’s updates, because she’s so neat & she “uses” the site…… there is this other girl who is a dj…….. & this other woman who used to work for my dad & she is a stay-at-home mom right now & OMG i die of joy looking at pictures of her babies & reading her hilarious updates about how people can’t stop staring at her huge breasts or how people at the gym are silly…. : )) yeah, people like that. but those aren’t really my like “best friends” except for starly but i don’t even “social-ize” with her, i just like her a ton : )

    i guess i’ll just “let go of the outcome” & give myself permission to experiment…. : )

    i notice there are “levels” of involvement… & the most puzzling to me are the people who post endlessly………. but never get “responses”…. because….. then why are you posting ?

    part of me – my Mama Bear voice – is saying, “ok, well listen little lady, everyone is different & some people are just Better socially than others”

    but then, i want some of that. : ) & the “wanting” is juicy, right ??? i should make some new friends ! that’s what i think : ) (((((littlegirl))))) i think you’re sweet & i think that sounds love-ly : )))) ooh i even have some ideas : ) thank you : ) you are SWEET : )

    eek i feel ashamed to post because i feel so judgemental toward myself & i “assume” that others will judge me…. or think, “ugh what a terrible measly excuse for a human” lol i’m actually picturing those “poor unfortunate souls” from Ursula’s sea-lair…… awwww ((((self))))

    ooh, just “found” this little piece of pain from this very morning… feel curious about it…. well first of all, i was feeling Awesome, Cool, Loving…. then i started to feel “tired” & then “late”…….. feeling “tired” made me ask, “who’s helping me?” which is a heavy question…. & then “late” made me feel “why is this happening?” & really they are related – i tried to do too much this morning & ended up feeling Drained….. ((((tiredself)))))

    i intend to slow down & notice when i am feeling weak or a little woozy & i intend to be gentle with myself & not feel shame or impatience with myself : )

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

  96. 96: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    94 dominque, well if we “could handle it” then we could respond in a way that’s in line with the purpose of this forum, and it WOULD be useful. so that’s kind of a roundabout way of saying, actually, no, she doesn’t think we can handle it (in a way that is aligned with the purpose of this forum).

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

  97. 97: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    I think of facebook as candy floss

    Nice, pretty, lovely pics but you dont post or say anything too important there

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:29pm

  98. 98: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing, you can always post on my threads or my wall or share anything you like at all on my wall, i would LOVE it!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:30pm

  99. 99: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i feel extra-gentle toward myself picturing how this whole world has all these “walls” & “buttresses” & like….. “i have flown out the window of the cathedral” – that’s how i’m picturing my goddess self…..

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:34pm

  100. 100: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    feeling so terribly invisible and insignificant

    But thats my issue

    Time for some shut eye

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:38pm

  101. 101: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I see you and hear you :)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:43pm

  102. 102: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m totally self important and self absorbed. seriously. that’s me in a nutshell (i also fit into other nutshells)

    hi ruth! hi!!!!!!!!
    have a nice nap:)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

  103. 103: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    there is a difference between worshiping in-doors, & worshiping out-doors….. not that 1 is “better”…. but it feels different……

    in this post, rori alludes to the disciplined practice of using tools that work…… i feel curious about “other” tools…….. “less than” or “not-as-” judgements …

    i feel dismissive & afraid of “hierarchy”….

    so i’ll just say, not that feeling 1 way is Better Than any other way – it’s just that i Enjoy feeling Happy

    judging this again. a vow to feel “depressed” – cry tears for every fallen soldier or sick child…

    i can feel sad…. i can feel angry…

    what does that increase, though ? giving energy to those things……

    i feel curious & i feel loving & i feel content & not-lonely : )))

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:49pm

  104. 104: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ruth, thank you : ) i feel lightened-up reading “candy floss” : )))

    starla, thank you : ))))) you are so much fun : )

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

  105. 105: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Actually Starla, I meant you personally, not necessarily everyone. I don’t know that it would be useful to trigger someone when it’s hurtful/accusatory/judgmental words. I don’t know what the post said, but I imagine it was along those lines.

    Posts like this have gone through before, and it has become rather ugly here, and there were other times when the commenter was largely ignored.

    So yeah, I see your point, for we are subjected to this kind of “attack” out in the real world too.


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 2:58pm

  106. 106: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    oh ok dominique i thought you meant the “proverbial” you haha.

    i still feel soooooo curious about what Sandy had to say. i’m like a little kid when it comes to this stuff.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:05pm

  107. 107: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Wait, dominique, does that mean the comment WAS about me, if you meant ME PERSONALLY? ahhhh hahaha i’m going crazy and i feel amused too.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:06pm

  108. 108: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    just… awesome….

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:21pm

  109. 109: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I feel grumpy. And irritated.

    I sent love to WM today, but it didn’t come from my heart. I had no heart desire to send him love. I wanted him to be far away from me. His nearness was making me feel agitated and disturbed.

    I know I can’t blame him.
    I know I’m choosing to live with him and move on and keep on with dating. I feel angry being ‘stuck’ here with him.

    I feel curious to know what past thing he was triggering in me. I feel frightened like I felt when I was young and my Dad ignored my wishes. I felt like he was trampling on my peace and gentleness, and I felt frightened because I didn’t know why. I thought he wanted to scare me on purpose.
    I fear the same thing with EM.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:39pm

  110. 110: siren songNo Gravatar says:


    That older post about anger is about guy who loves me.

    I feel soooo weird reading that. And so so much better he is not in my life right now. That anger was making me feel tiny and scared. I don’t feel tiny or scared anymore.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:39pm

  111. 111: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    And I was blaming myself, analyzing, treating myself without love. I was screaming at myself on the inside.

    I feel super-sad that I lived like that.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:43pm

  112. 112: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Ew. I feel super-mad at myself for letting a man scream at me for years. I love my anger.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:49pm

  113. 113: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I’m taking babysteps in feeling my feelings in each moment.

    I experience so much fear. I have decided that fear is simply resistance to feeling my feelings.

    Fear is a good sign. It means that there are feelings to be felt, and I just need to be present and feel them.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:52pm

  114. 114: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    If a man scares me, I can take it as a sign that I can go even deeper into my feelings in his presence.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:54pm

  115. 115: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I meant “if I feel scared in a man’s company or when thinking of him”.

    I am making assumptions when I say he is scaring me on purpose. It is not necessarily true at all.


    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:56pm

  116. 116: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I am very much looking forward to listening to Rori’s teleclass recording tomorrow.

    I won’t be listening to the live broadcast, because it will be 1.30am here in the UK and I will be deeply immersed in a regenerating beauty sleep!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:59pm

  117. 117: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    In my case, I feel the anger was abusive and my fear and panic way back when was a signal that I didn’t fully listen to. I was trying to fix it instead of taking him at face value. He yelled at a waitress on our first date. Red flag!

    Wow I feel so clear on this now.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 3:59pm

  118. 118: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I love me so much
    I am so beautiful
    I am interested in peace
    I am not the vanguard of right and wrong

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 4:09pm

  119. 119: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    FW – Remember yesterday when you said I should accepts K’s “love you” as a message from his subconscious? Well, he got home from his trip today and said, “did you hear what I said yesterday!?” I said yes! And he went on to say that the he’d been thinking about it ever since and that the feelings are definitely there but he knows I’m not ready to hear them…but that I should know that they are there and that he feels like a king when he is with me and can’t get enough. Then, he gave me a thumb ring with our names engraved in it! He’s so sweet! I’m on cloud 9 and have to work now.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 4:33pm

  120. 120: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Congrats Pamelala. The message I hear here is that he can feel your heart not fully opened. I would say it is time to start practicing unzippering your heart.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 5:48pm

  121. 121: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    1332 Esteemed from other post
    I understand what you’re saying…and I used to say the same thing “I don’t want kids as a single Mom” but now I am rethinking it…I would like to have kids and I don’t know if I will meet anyone so why should I wait?? I know I can do it on my own…and when you foster, the agencies help you! I’m not trying to change your mind,,,but just FYI I’ve felt that way in the past and changed my mind.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 5:56pm

  122. 122: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Pamelala!

    Do you think he is right?

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:29pm

  123. 123: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I posted on the old thread that he called me back and he is still very busy settling down, the boy got sick over the weekend, couldn’t sleep and we are celebrating his bday tomorrow, with the boy.

    Thank you so much for everyone’s support and patience;)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:34pm

  124. 124: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, will you go out with CL again?

    I found that chemistry develops itself. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want, but the more time you spend with the person the more attractive they become. I decided to be open in that area, as my preference sometimes is nothing else than a habit.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:38pm

  125. 125: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    FW and Memulo,

    Yes, you’re right! I think I was defending my unzippered heart by saying it’s too soon, but I have the same feelings toward him and I have some fear that needs to be healed in order to say it.

    Hmm, I’m going to do some tapping about that tonight.

    I love this blog and all the sirens. Though I can’t spend too much time here, I still feel cared for every time I come. <3

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:38pm

  126. 126: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, yes, I will definitely go out with him again. His personality so far is great. I am just not attracted to him.

    The way he talks to me has shifted now — i can see him trying harder to impress me and prove that he is a good guy and my type. i feel triggered/turned off by it, but i am trying to just own my trigger and take it as a good sign that he wants me to like him. I do the same thing with guys i really want to like me.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:53pm

  127. 127: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i fuchked up <- judgement

    i let my friend put me in a bad position w a guy

    and cuz i wanted to be generous to my friend i abandoned myself

    or amybe i wanted to prove to me and am now feeling the doubt

    of my man not being suportive of my generosity

    and i feel bad

    and i feel unworthy

    and i love me

    and i feel icky

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:54pm

  128. 128: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    however, he started the day saying in email he was definitely going to call me tonight to plan our next date, and he’s emailed and texted me all day, and is even texting me now, but no call as “definitely” promised. kind of annoying.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 6:55pm

  129. 129: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, he is prob just happy you’re texting back, maybe doesn’t want to overdo it by calling too 😉

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:01pm

  130. 130: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I think it’s time to make a dating profile for POF. I feel excited to do this when I feel more inspired to sit down and make it:)

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:01pm

  131. 131: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Do it in Japanese ;P

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:15pm

  132. 132: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hahahaha omg memulo that’s cute

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:17pm

  133. 133: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    awww and this really fly guy i met when i worked for the campaign just emailed me to tell me i have inspired him to get back into the gym. awww, i haven’t talked to him in forever. i feel so happy to be contagious!! hehe yay health contagion!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:20pm

  134. 134: lkNo Gravatar says:

    i’m goin’ cr8zy… i deeply apologize for abuse of this forum, but i can’t read other humans right now

    that’s so melodramatic & i’m judging myself for it, like ” ok, you silly girl human, you just feel that way right this second”

    i’m wearing a white t shirt & white underwear & i have a heavy blanket made by my great grandma (she dug the fabric out of a dumpster, so the fabric is scarred along a strip where the final yardage was secured with glue along the narrow edge of the cardboard spool)

    i told cd just now about my doll i had when i was little. she was a big madame alexander doll that my great uncle dug out of a dumpster. i told him my mother had a great shame in the fact that our family were “dumpster-divers”…….. i don’t know what to say …… those are my favorite things…… i love attics, basements, thrift stores….. back seats, trunks, give-aways, “trash”….. i don’t hoard goods, but man, i love a deal….. i love free shxt. i want it all for free. i just want to give it all away & have it all – that’s what i want !

    i love my desire to have everything & feel that everything is easy & slow : )

    i really really really love my “boyfriend”…. idk what else to call him…… to him, i say “partner”….. we’re “in it”…. : ) i feel happy : ) & i feel good….

    i’m feeling concerned recently about some random bxllshxt but i give myself a lot of space to “worry” about whatever. seriously, you’re “allowed” – i officially give you TOTAL permission to do whatever the fxck you want – seriously: i have TOTAL permission to do whatever the fxck i want – that is SO REAL

    i love my boyfriend bc i am seriously like an academic genius lol I KNOW that doesn’t mean anything. but i like talking “in that way” – that’s my native vocabulary – i didn’t have siblings, i just had a lot of time on my hands & a lot of books. i was remembering the other day hiding under my dad’s table at work when he had a meeting & i was like 8 at the most, reading king lear. i had already read hamlet & macbeth. i just like that stuff. so i like having someone in my living room who ISN’T that lame guy just quoting the text in your freshman seminar…….. he is the really hot stxner kid who shows up late but always asks the most poignant questions & has ridiculous comments when the teacher surprise-calls on him during class, amiright ? am i doing this right yet ?

    jeez. i felt so cool when napoleon dynamite came out, like “omg, now everyone is going to ‘get’ me” lol… that’s actually true that a lot of people started thinking i was quirky-cool instead of leper-nerdy….. OMG I GET SO ASHAMED thinking of waking up super early in the morning in 9th grade to do my hair in rubber bands… like fish-netting ? does anyone remember that ? it was only cool from like 1999-2006 MAX. like, i gave that a really generous range – just in case we have any slow-movers or trend-setters in our midst. i myself know i can be super early & super late on trends. examples ? i showed up like 2 years late on the “overalls” trend (yeah, i know – they weren’t cool in middle school. i did notice that….. after like 2.5 years….) & OK i get that we are not all caught up on the fact that “harem pants” are sexy & animal print is cool…..

    anywayz. what i’m trying to say is i feel at home, at home. & other places…. i don’t feel so “heard”….

    right now, i’m thinking about my “work” – my “job” ……… hmm & feeling really really really good about it : )))) i love what’s “now” & i love what’s “coming”

    we were just talking about what i wear… & …. idk. cd was saying all the nice things i want to hear. that it’s not about what i wear, it’s that he can tell i’m doing something that is “for us” & he appreciates me doing something that makes me feel sexy…. & that it makes him all like-that too : ))

    i feel all tender in this relationship… it’s so terrifying & raw….. because i’m so so exposed. seriously like raw meat. the word “flayed” is what comes to mind. omg that’s so scary. i love my fear… i feel so….. well, it just feel flipping dramatic to “do” this or anything… that’s right, baby girl ! you actually don’t have to do anything : ))) easy does it nice job slow & lean back & that’s how it is good : ) omg the sun & the plants & the growth i almost forgot how amazed & purified i feel when i think of that & am there right there with the smell of the dirt…. omg i love this planet & the whole astronomy & every human : )))

    & what else ? something else…. that i felt like i got a “big understanding” with today………….. OH YEAH, cd was like, “well i prayed a lot for you & you are pretty much exactly what i prayed for, minus a few odds & ends” & i got a tiny bit defensive lol but i let him know & he was saying, “i thank god for you every day – if that wasn’t clear – that was what i’m saying” & i said a bit later to him, “oh yeah, you’re exactly what i prayed for…… but i wasn’t very specific” LOL omg i kill myself… i am seriously a joy to be around & as cool & fashionable as betsey johnson & as nice as anyone, & as pretty as …… idk, there are a million beautiful humans…. actually, i’ve never seen a non-beautiful human, except angry humans…. i looked at myself in the mirror today after triggering myself into anger & definitely i judged myself as “ugly” – my mama used to say, don’t be ugly (& that’s what it meant – don’t be upset) so i used to go alone into a closet or a dark room & beat myself. i don’t know why. that’s just “what is” – be born into a white affluent no-spanking household & go into hiding to beat yourself. i was valedictorian k-8th grade & then top of my class in high school, then honors at an ivy league college. shame yourself. haze yourself. beat yourself.

    awww & no hate either. it’s not “all like that” – i’m a statistical anomaly. i’m not “real life” HELP i’m so bad & someone is going to write me hate-mail for being so “i’m buffy the vampire slayer” blonde-bxtch on your axx… UMMMMMMMMMMMMMM but that’s not real, i don’t care about that & it doesn’t affect my personal reality at all.

    i’m just me, it’s monday, i have to work hard tomorrow for a company that under-values me ( & tells me, via it’s fiscal approximation of my value, that i am not worthy to reproduce……….ANGRY HUMANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!)

    (((hugs))) i forgive your anger. thank you for being all chill & cool about it – no hxte : ) i seriously enjoy being this slow & patient…… i love my life for never ever ever ever ever “throwing X under the bus” because i never have to . (((((SELF))))) awesome. that is cool. i never rat on people. i even would ALWAYS share my notes with anyone who didn’t study or didn’t do the homework & i always helped anyone who asked, whenever, because i love to connect with humans & i love to help….

    HUMANS help me out & thank you : ) i feel so grateful in advance for the amazing job i’m going to have where i make a hundred billion dollars & am a total genius & never ever fxck it up & make a ton of friends & no one ever “comes onto” me & i feel awesome & not de-sexualized & really feminine, but still really powerful& seen & i’m so happy & so loving & have so much energy & get to write a bunch & my parents are like “omg you’re so cool now” & i’m like “yeah : ) “

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:23pm

  135. 135: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lol, cl is texting me telling me he’s at the bar with his buddy and wants to show everyone a picture of me, asked me to send one.


    i said no way.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:24pm

  136. 136: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lk it’s not abuse, it’s what it’s for. i apologize for talking for everyone, but we love you and we like your posting here

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:28pm

  137. 137: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    also, i just want to submit a little bit about “thank-you” little girl for not stressing & enjoying : )


    amazing food is being served so i gotta go

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:32pm

  138. 138: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    omg & feeling disturbed there is no wikipedia entry for “the very quiet cricket” by eric carle which is arguably the best children’s story ever.

    & also my neighbor is starting a children’s dance studio & that’s cool

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:36pm

  139. 139: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    haha you should author the wiki article for it.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 7:54pm

  140. 140: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    1446 from – “That went pretty well. I also wonder if stopping after he apologized would have been good, but I think your continuation went well, so don’t worry about it. See what happens now.”

    I agree, I wish I had stopped then. And would you believe even now, a day later, I am absolutely fighting myself to not continue texting him.

    I think right now it is totally important to just lay off, to be in a position of “I can take you or leave you”, and it is so hard for me.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:01pm

  141. 141: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    1450-1451 – Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback. What you say is completely sound. Now the question is…can I do it? Do I want to back away completely?

    I will have a few days to clear my mind…I will process it.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:08pm

  142. 142: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    1455 – Yay! I feel happy for you!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:10pm

  143. 143: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    121 – Thanks! I seriously considered having kids as a single mom more than once, but I decided it’s not for me for now. I sure love kids, tho!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:13pm

  144. 144: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    26 – Thank you so much!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:15pm

  145. 145: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    6 – Thanks for your feedback. Each thing I read from you all helps me be more objective.

    I think where I am at tonight is that when he started writing extremely intimate things about sex in the last two weeks, I knew what I was doing.

    I knew I was playing with fire, because I knew we were at a friendship level. My reasoning was ok I don’t know R’s’ feelings, but I know I’m in love with him, and I would love to talk over these intimate things with the man who I love most in the world.

    It is a risk I took. So I don’t feel surprised. And I am still not sure I want to walk away. It’s fun.

    I mean the pain I am feeling is more from just my overall situation of singleness that goes on and on. And from the pain of 3 years ago with the misunderstood proposal being resurrected.

    Again, I will spend some time processing while he is at the shore. Thanks again for everyone’s input.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:23pm

  146. 146: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Siren Song,

    112 – “Ew. I feel super-mad at myself for letting a man scream at me for years. I love my anger”

    I would give compassion to my weak parts. I have struggled with similar feelings.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:50pm

  147. 147: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    (((starla))) thank you : )

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 8:51pm

  148. 148: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so relaxed after a 4.5 hour nap! I never intended to sleep that long, and I feel bad I slept thru Rori’s class. But anyway I feel rested and that’s a good feeling.

    I don’t trust myself to not contact R. I guess that’s what it comes down to. I don’t WANT him out of my life. I want him IN my life. Anyway, I will get in touch with my heart of hearts and reread all your comments to me and decide from there.

    All I have to do for right now and not contact him.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:01pm

  149. 149: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I love my life

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:01pm

  150. 150: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, I do love my weak parts.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 9:06pm

  151. 151: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to call the cute guy from my class who is so nice Jay.

    Three men (Jay and two of my research partners, whom we’ll call Des and Mer) and I went out to eat Friday night, and my total with tax and tip was $21. I had two 20s. Jay picked up my extra dollar so I wouldn’t have to break my other 20. Des had kind of intimated he’d cover it, but Jay made it explicit, and I thanked him and smiled.

    We decided over dinner to come back to Des’s apartment to play euchre, but we didn’t have any cards. So we drove to a store on our way back from dinner, and Starship’s “Nothing’s Going To Stop Us Now” was on the radio. I sang along, the only one, but I heard Jay humming along in the back seat. I, at least, felt a little connected. :-)

    Of the four of us, Jay had the least experience playing euchre, Mer had the next most, and Des and I were equally matched. I felt bummed that Mer and Jay had sat down across from each other as we were getting things around for the game, but then Des pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair for the two of us to play the two of them, so I ended up being Jay’s partner without having to engineer it!

    We got off to a rocky start, but won the first game. We got off to a better start in the second, but ended up losing. We all had fun playing, though, and Jay was a very solid partner for having played only 3 or 4 times before.

    On the walk back from Des’s apartment to where the other three of us are staying, Mer and I (who were here last summer) compared our housing for this summer to that from last summer. I said that one plus for this summer is that the pool is being kept up, unlike the place last summer where it was clean enough to swim in maybe one week of the whole summer. Jay asked if I’d been the current pool much, and I said just once, and he said that was true for him too.

    Now, what you all don’t know is that I saw him that day a couple of weeks ago from my apartment window, and I watched him swim because I was hoping to see him shirtless *grin*. He saw me and waved, and I waved back, but felt so embarrassed at getting caught I walked away from the window, and when I came back, he was out of the pool with a towel around his neck.

    So, back to Friday night. He said that he saw me and waved because I looked like a sad person, up in my room working. Awwwww. :-) I wish I’d come up with a good FM in that moment!

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:14pm

  152. 152: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    With R, I decided to let it go. I initiated texting, and we are deep in a normal conversation texting.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:34pm

  153. 153: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    On Sunday, the four of us (Des, Mer, Jay, and I) went to the house of a local teacher for a BBQ. Jay and I were the only two of our group, at least, that had swimming gear. Other people who came swam too, though, so that felt fun. Especially once we were in the pool, Jay and I had some light banter and gentle teasing each other.

    And, we watched ants! We were all hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, and he and I were up against the wall. At some point I turned and noticed some small ants on the concrete ledge and I started watching them. Within a minute, he asked if that’s what I was doing and joined me. I didn’t pay attention to him at all, and just focused on the ants, so I was surprised when he said that water confuses them a lot and he showed me that he’s splashed some water on the ledge and they wouldn’t go through it. I splashed some more water a foot away or so, and sure enough they wouldn’t cross it. He said that maybe the water covered up the pheromone trail or something. I saw two others elsewhere that passed each other and hesitated very briefly, and I told him about it and that I wondered what they’d said.

    And then I noticed TONS of these teeny, teeny, tiny bugs on the concrete, and I said, “Oh Jay! Look!” and we watched the little ones too. I told him that this feels really fun. I forgot to make eye contact, though.

    Shortly after we got back to our apartments (which are actually dorm housing), there was an ice cream social in the main building. I met Jay and Mer there. I was ahead of them in line for the ice cream and perched myself against the back of a low couch once I had mine, and Jay came and sat beside me when he was through the line. Mer sat on the other side of him. Jay and I made fun of the movie that was on because it was bad and not all that funny.

    I feel a little frustrated that I can’t tell if this guy is actually interested in me a little or not. He certainly isn’t pursuing me in any way; he just does nice little things for me once in a while and we apparently enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t been a super-forward flirt; the best I’ve done in that department was telling him, when Des said he’d buy Jay a drink for reading our paper, that the best he’d get from me is batted eyelashes. He shrugged. He does seem shy.

    Oh, and he is single. Des confirmed that Friday when we were talking about being done with our research project on Friday and then only having two weeks left; Jay said excitedly that he gets to go home soon, and Des asked if he had anyone waiting for him at home. He said just his students (again, awwwww!). And then Des said that the four of us are all in that boat.

    Hmm. I totally feel open to a summer romance, even with only 2.5 weeks left (gah! it’s ending so soon!). I would feel awkward making a move, for sure. I do have a good FM planned, in case an opportunity arises, about noticing that I’m feeling really attracted to him and that I feel good with him. I know we’re going out in a big group after our research presentation Friday, and I feel uncertain if I should use it.

    Monday, 16 July 2012 @ 11:39pm

  154. 154: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion, yay to summer romance!!
    You could lean forward as an experiment but only if you don’t expect anything which, I guess is not the case here??
    Just trying to help you make the best use of the 2.5 weeks 😉

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:03am

  155. 155: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone!!
    Woke up after a nightmare, had to think of Starla.
    It was about two cowboys/Marlboro men, who were trying to kill me..and then they were eaten by Monsters (the short version).
    I woke up feeling extremely anxious and had to remind myself that it was a dream.
    I feel better than yesterday and am worried that all my good work from last week will be undone though.
    I haven’t got time to do any more reading and exercises around my issues because I am still trying to set up a business venture and also having to go to this programme from the government here for jobseekers which is a total waste of my time as it is aimed at illiterate people and those with no qualifications…
    I have not lived here for nearly 20 years and had to come back home, where I had to face all my demons, after losing my US job/visa. I left this country very young and spent almost 2 decades in the UK which I loved, now I wonder whether I ran away from my issues…coming back here, I feel like a child again, I have to live with my father who is less than impressed by the situation, but he is stepping up and at last taking care of me a little by letting me stay here, after 28 years of ignoring my existence more or less.
    I was in an emergency situation when I came a couple of months ago and he said ‘well, I hope this is not permanent because your stepmother uses the room you are occupying to iron and it’s all a bit cramped’ – I felt terrible, it felt like just another rejection and I had to tell him that I had nowhere to go after I had lost everything. He then started being a little nicer, he is a good man in disguise really, just clueless.
    All this contributes to making me feel totally out of kilter and I am projecting all my wishes and needs onto wanting to be in Florida, and onto MrU, and that is what I want to stop.
    If I don’t want to go mad here, I need to live in the moment more and relax and accept.
    No man can make me feel better about myself and no achievement, job or anything else can fill the void for long enough.
    I want to be free of externals pushing me off course, I want to be able to rest in myself. I have a loooong way to go. Maybe I need to find professional help at some point.
    I feel anxious.
    Thank you ladies for having been there for me, you are all so lovely.
    Now I am trying to turn anxious into cheerful and relaxed for the day, let’s see…..
    Love to you all!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:15am

  156. 156: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Morning ladies

    Sleep is a great healer.
    Wow, tam, you have a lot of external pressures!

    Can someone tell me how the teleclass works?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:31am

  157. 157: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Morning Ruth!!
    I have no idea how the teleclass works, just wanted to say ‘hi’!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:34am

  158. 158: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Well–This is going to be an awful birthday. HS is continuing to sneak, and not say a thing to me, acting like all is normal. I told him I was going to leave to AU in October never to return. He never mentioned what’s her name, said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me, then admitted that wasn’t the whole truth. That when the switch comes on he is in love with me, that he had pulled me back 3 times after I had LEFT.
    He was supposed to keep anything/anyone that might upset me out of my face for the two months it would take me to get to AU. But I know he’s still chasing. And now, on my birthday eve, I find that he is planning to take this person to the Caribbean, knowing how much I’ve always wanted to go, and after torturing me about money for 5 years. He doesn’t know I know. I gave him a chance to say earlier today. This woman JUST broke up with the guy who rents a trailer space in back of our house. I mentioned to him that I didn’t want any of Doug’s friends at our summer party, especially not Jeanette because she had been rude to me (true!) he didn’t bat an eyelash. Still lying…
    Sooo-on the eve of my stinkin’ birthday here is the plan: my friend Julia wants me to rent her cottage for the same as it costs to live here. She thinks my online biz needs stability, and that I need stability, and she doesn’t want me to go to AU. Her husband is the one who thought this up, and he doesn’t like ANYONE!
    And it is clear that even staying till the party will be painful. I need out and soon.
    But I don’t want to discuss this with HS at ALL, and I don’t want him to have closure.
    I am going to take all my less used items out and put them in storage this week. I will put empty boxes in there places so as not to raise suspicions. Then, the day after the party, while he is out, I plan on getting EVERY LAST STICK and moving it all. Leave the keys on the table and disappear like a magician. He won’t even know where I am. And no one will tell him. 11 days.
    It feels a little better to think about this, but I am raw right now.
    I HATE THIS S^&t!!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:37am

  159. 159: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling all bamboozy in the head

    i feel so ‘weak’ and unworthy

    like ive been fooled and used and spat on, and everyone laughs at me behind my back and i feel …

    alone with my defenses huge up…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:43am

  160. 160: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Miss have guts!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:47am

  161. 161: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Miss bells, you go Girl!

    Hi Tam


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:52am

  162. 162: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Ive been reading back in old blogs, and the question(sometimes accusation) of “self obsessed” crops up a bit.
    Isnt that the *point *of this blog?
    If it is an on line journal where we explore our feelings, then yeah it *is* going to be self referential.
    Nothing wrong with that at all in my book
    it might be the only place some of the ladies can think about themselves for a change,often isnt time in the outside world!

    Mind you, there is an awesome amount of support on here as well that i can see

    Rambling now, better get back to said outside world and be nice to people

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:57am

  163. 163: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks ruth

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:00am

  164. 164: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    I think that is such a good point. No-one, in my opinion should repress their feelings good or bad. I thought the point of this blog is to confront patterns that aren’t working in your life with love and support. This is what I feel.

    I know I post a lot of negative things but they are the things that are stuck deep inside me that I need to come to terms with.

    Not sure if this makes sense..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:12am

  165. 165: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you… I feel so messed up. Happy Birthday. And I have to “act normal”
    I invited MY oldest and most loyal friends to dinner. They are not to let on to him.

    I have moved out 3 times in 5 years. There was never a 3rd party. That is an absolute deal-breaker for me.

    Just so you know why I am going to such lengths, and the subterfuge. If talking meant anything in this case I would do it, but it doesn’t.

    “Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right”

    It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
    It don’t matter, anyhow
    And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
    If you don’t know by now
    When your rooster crows at the breaks of dawn
    Look out your window and I’ll be gone
    You’re the reason I’m traveling on
    Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    It ain’t no use in turning on your light, babe
    That light I never knowed
    And it ain’t no use in turning on your light, babe
    I’m on the dark side of the road
    But I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
    To try and make me change my mind and stay
    We never did too much talking anyway
    So don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    It ain’t no use in calling out my name, gal
    Like you never done before
    It ain’t no use in calling out my name, gal
    I can’t hear you any more
    I’m a-thinking and a-wond’rin’ walking down the road
    I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
    I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
    Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    So long honey, babe
    Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
    Goodbye’s too good a word, babe
    So I’ll just say fare thee well
    I ain’t saying you treated me unkind
    You could have done better but I don’t mind
    You just kinda wasted my precious time
    But don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    Bob Dylan

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:13am

  166. 166: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    yes, absolutely Rebecca

    this is a safe place to express feelings, good or bad

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:16am

  167. 167: TamNo Gravatar says:

    So I also noticed an interesting shift…just being aware. It may just be coincidence, but I don’t feel pursued by MrU anymore. I had been holding off, trying to quit contact..and he was in my face, I used to leave days before I answered anything from him, and he would write or text back within the half hour.
    Now, he leaves days and I write back within 3-4 hours (not planned, I just noticed)….and he goes silent. I noticed how the roles, although I am not initiating, have reversed.
    This is interesting, as it may project how I feel about myself in the last few days and there might be a vibe from me that is a little needy.
    OR it may also reflect that my opening up more, in fact, although fascinating clearly, is not something overly attractive for a guy who is fighting the same unavailability issues as me (I can say it because he said so himself).
    So this is very interesting. I need to get back into Sireny mode, not care, not answer right away..and the challenge will be not to make it ‘game playing’ because that is exactly what I am trying to avoid…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:16am

  168. 168: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I do realize it might take him a while to feel it, but he will.
    Once I’m out of here I will regain my strength.
    But he, in his complacency, won’t know what hit him when it hits him…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:17am

  169. 169: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Morning sirens

    I had some full on dreams last night as well…

    I woke up this morning feeling rejected. And sad because I am feeling rejected… And then I felt panicky like ‘why me?’ why am I always a failure… Then I tried to remember that is exactly the stuff that I am trying to work on here, and to minimise my dramatic feelings.. I can feel myself burning up into a hot sweat just thinking about it… My back feels rigid and stiff, the skin on my face feels tight and dry… I feel exhausted from worry… I’m going to lwt these feelings ride for a bit, sit with them, feel the anxiety loosen… It’s a new day… Relax.,

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:19am

  170. 170: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Just to clarify, I think I was feeling a bit triggered by some quite aggressive posts on the older blogs, you know, the one off ones slating women.

    I am still glad i read back, because I found some other excellent ideas along the way.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:19am

  171. 171: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    did we all eat cheese last night?

    My dreams were all about feeling threatened .people trying to kidnap me and so on.Ugh.Woke upm in a cold sweat and had to check the door was locked

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:26am

  172. 172: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, you are really shifting!!!! Wow. I am trying to do the same and I struggle struggle – but it’s good work.
    Keep at it :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:26am

  173. 173: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I know why I can’t sleep…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:27am

  174. 174: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Not surprised Miss bells

    keep counting down the days

    Rebecca, do you do any Yoga or meditation?
    I guess it could help

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:29am

  175. 175: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    One reason I don’t want any discussion is that part of his justification process involves putting me down. I am afraid that whatever comes out of his mouth will make me want to hurt him–physically.
    I am 5 feet tall and don’t roll that way–but that is my feeling.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:33am

  176. 176: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, I am having trouble finding the love for myself within me today.
    Just occasionally it would feel good to get a great big hug from someone and being told ‘it will all be ok, there, there’. But I was looking in the wrong places for it. Now that I turned my back on those wrong places, I feel the void and finding it hard to replenish it with something from inside of me. As I look inside me, I find a lot of emptiness and just a little flame.
    Off to find some wood to nurish it but where to find?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:48am

  177. 177: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – i found giving myself big hugs with strong arms and melting into my arms … after doing it repeatedly has started to feel fulfilling and healing

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:51am

  178. 178: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, and I keep getting all these triggers thrown at me today, a reminder of a little debt I need sorting out. My former place of work in the UK choosing a colleague over me (she used to moan a lot but I would draw attention to issues, where she would moan behind the bosses back and smile to his face). I feel sad but try to see it like this ‘why would I want to go backwards’?
    Deep down I feel the pangs of rejection (I am not good enough, not hard-working enough etc). Another challenging day…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:57am

  179. 179: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, thank you, I will try this!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:59am

  180. 180: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    Yes, I was doing yoga but haven’t for a while. Need to find a local class..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:03am

  181. 181: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel curious, have you tried opening up to MrU about how you feel about him? Does he know you have deeper feelings than friendship?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:10am

  182. 182: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Trigger bombardement…just went on POF and Mr U’s profile popped up, he is online there at 6am his time. Trigger. Thank you trigger for coming to me and making me more resolved that I want a man who contacts me rather than looking for other women. Thank you for showing me that he can do what he wants because he is not mine. Thank you trigger for upsetting me so that I can get off the rollercoaster.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:11am

  183. 183: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca, I have mentioned that I have romantic feelings for him – that’s about as far as it went, when he tried to downgrade our relationship as platonic (which he can’t keep up, btw, the platonicness). No reaction from
    him other than what I sensed was withdrawal, and when I said that I don’t want to be just friends with someone I have feelings for, he jumped to action – I wish he hadn’t as it was just feeding hopes.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:20am

  184. 184: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Actually, he didn’t withdraw when I told him about the feelings, he just carried on as usual.
    I once many month ago, broke off contact for the same reason. It seems nothing changed. As long as I keep myself available, it won’t. I suspect I will only find out what he is made of if I truly and genuinely disappear and move on but I want to give it a little time yet.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:26am

  185. 185: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I mean, I am moving on but don’t want to close him out of my life just yet, trying to see if I can treat him as a CD.
    So I better stop talking and thinking about him!!! Off to do some work..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:29am

  186. 186: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    What is the best most mature and heartfelt way to handle a situation where your man is going to social events without you then?

    Would it be to share that you feel hurt and left out and respect that if this is what he wants to do then do it, but you don’t want to continue to be in a relationship with a man who want to do that as he is the wrong man for you?

    It just doesn’t work for you.

    Or a stag night where you are married but your man wants to go to lap dancing club with the guys for instance.

    I would not ever be able to tolerate that. I would feel sick to my stomach.

    I wouldn’t even be able to tolerate him having any female friends if I am in a committed relationship with him unless they are our joint friends as a couple.

    I would not want him to be going to parties social events without me.

    And I would not want to go without him, unless I was at the stage that he was not giving me the attention affection etc that I wanted and needed so was doing this for me to CD and take care of my own needs not to punish him.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:13am

  187. 187: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Re inner bonding.

    I do feel hurt and have some expectations don’t we all.

    I expect and want my husband, inlaws parents etc to send a card pressie on my Birthday or my childrens. I do not expext this from friends aunts uncles etc.

    It hurts when they do not.
    I don’t want to tolerate those kinds of things.

    Of course a child is going to be upset if there grandparents don#t acknowledge their Birthday and I am going to feel sad for my child.

    What is the best way to handle this and take care of my own and my childs feelings in these kinds of situations?

    To me it is that I feel we are better of without these kind of relatives and partners in our lives as it feels uncaring to me and my children. And I have no control on if they care about us or not. I care.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:29am

  188. 188: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Esteemed.

    I feel a bit frustrated today – I had to wrap up a conversation yesterday when he called because of work and he said he’d call me again with the details for tonight. He did not and seemed to be so occupied with his stuff. I didn’t think twice to text him before I went to sleep to say – ‘hey, details?’ No response. I will probably not contact him today at all before I hear from him. He knows I care already.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:41am

  189. 189: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    I guess if you disappear after you express what you want to him and your needs are not met, he can consider to make changes on his side. But if you just disappear, he may think you found someone, don’t want him enough, etc. He may not necessarily run after you to ask what happened.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:43am

  190. 190: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo..thank you :)
    I have told him my needs, but sometimes I wonder whether it has gone in…he is super intelligent but has a habit of filtering out unwanted info…he calls it ‘hard-headedness’ – only hears what he wants to hear 😉
    I can’t say the same thing again and again….
    Oh yea, he has insecurities that I find someone, have someone etc – all the time – but instead of it pushing him on to ‘claim’ me, he usually just withdraws and has these ‘I am not good enough’ moans…followed by ‘stepping up’ once he realises that I would rather spend time with him. He needs a lot of patting on the head sometimes. Hm.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:53am

  191. 191: TamNo Gravatar says:

    …but he did say ‘we want different things’ as I explained to him that I want a committed relationship (not necessarily with him, I just put it out there). One week he said he wanted a relationship with me, and as it started becoming real all of a sudden he wanted something different…that’s when I lost patience and ‘throw the baby out with the bathwater’.
    To be honest, the day he said he wanted a relationship with me, he seemed panicked as I had just told him I was about to get married….so maybe I took him too literally 😉
    but we as good as had the relationship, without giving it a label. Being a girl, I want a label 😉
    I want a man to say to me and the world: ‘that is my girlfriend’.
    And not: ‘this is my ummmmm….ermmm…friend Tam’ (which is what he used to do)…pff!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:58am

  192. 192: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ..the more I grow, the more I realise that being friends, although he is one of my best friends in the whole wide world, is probably not an option.
    However, I am trying to see if I can just reduce his importance by treating him as a CD, and if that doesn’t work (I give it a month), I will probably have to just let him go…that also means I can’t come back to Florida sooner, but you know, I’d rather be true to my heart than having it pulled apart because of two months impatience.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:05am

  193. 193: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this guy told me im in the top 3 on pof lol… he said i dont even care if u like me, i just had to tell u that

    lol :) aww i feel good

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:06am

  194. 194: TamNo Gravatar says: seems to me your guys head is so full of ‘stuff’, he might just need time, space etc.
    Can you date some men and take the expectation out of it all?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:07am

  195. 195: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Tam, I seem to be in a similar situation. No label. Though I did not express my needs in a while, let it naturally unfold. The same way as CurvySiren did it sounds like.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:09am

  196. 196: TamNo Gravatar says:

    and I believe there has to be some natural unfolding, but at some point I feel better when things get clearer. And I have the experience that men who know what they want will tell you. By that I mean, I have made the experience that a man who wants you will ‘seal the deal’. But of course, we all have issues too and coming from a breakup or divorce, it is natural to be insecure and wanting to stay free..the same for men who are scared of committment because they have fear of engulfment or rejection. I can understand that because I have also often felt that way.
    However, I still believe eventually if they want you they will show it. I do not believe in waiting around for it, and I also don#t feel the ‘waiting around’ makes us in any way more attractive to them – ON THE CONTRARY.
    That#s why I keep my options open and always have done.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:15am

  197. 197: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I will start with putting myself first. I will only respond to a phone call to ask me out. Texts I will ignore

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:16am

  198. 198: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ooh i just got myself feeling scared

    i thjink i was pushing on someone

    i feel guilty

    and i forgot my tool of opening up my tense parts and leaning back

    now i feel icky and drained

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:17am

  199. 199: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Omg I am not even saying happy bday to him.. that feels terrible ;(

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:20am

  200. 200: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo. Please, do say happy birthday to him if you want to, just don’t build up expectations. You care about him, tell him happy birthday – but then let it rest.
    How about that?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:24am

  201. 201: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I saw of the ladies had bad dreams. So did I. I dreamt of CF. He still didn’t want me.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:26am

  202. 202: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i tried to go to yoga this morning, but i felt sick so i’m on the couch drinking kombucha & eating a banana. i did get to watch the sun rise & it felt lovely……. this fat burning peach of a sunrise, too…. yummy….

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:31am

  203. 203: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I called him yday in the morning to ask how he wants to celebrate his bday. He texted about an hour later that he will call me back soon and he did. When he called he was sharing all the troubles of his weekend and I got very sympathetic as usual. He said he wanted to take me on a beautiful trip for his bday and we laughed. Then said the boy will be there, but there’s a chance he will be there wednesday. Again, i felt very ‘included’ in his world. I had to go, so he said he’d call me to let me know the details, what day, etc. The rest I already posted.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:32am

  204. 204: TamNo Gravatar says:

    This reminds me of a dream I once had, many weeks ago. Now I laugh because it shows you also how much of a negative picture my subconscious was painting…I saw MrU in my dream coming out of a car, then a beautiful rally young girl also, and I asked him ‘what did you do?’ (but I knew the answer already). So he said with the meanest, smiliest face ever: ‘I fu(ked her’. I was speechless in my dream.
    It’s super funny because he would never speak like that in real life, he has a go at people swearing etc…dreams, eh.
    Remember they are just dreams….not reality necessarily…
    Love to you!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:32am

  205. 205: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((Starla))))))))) that sounds like a pretty good dream, actually. for some reason it feels like a bear hug. wonder why i think that….

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:33am

  206. 206: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((((my brain)))))))))))))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:34am

  207. 207: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, today is his birthday so I don’t get it, he invited you and is not following through now? Or still up in the air?
    Sorry, I am working at the same time (trying to..ahem), so it’s a bit confusing..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:34am

  208. 208: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    annie, 187

    this may sound really horrible, but i have trouble remembering gifts of all sorts. even if i purchase them & have them ready & wrapped, i’m likely to forget them at home. i don’t remember holidays or ever expect gifts or celebrations. none of that feels important to me, or very much like “love”…. ummm… feels more like “a corporate structure” – i don’t want to feel trapped. i love to give gifts. i give random gifts & get random gifts : ) i love to receive things & i love to give things……

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:39am

  209. 209: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Good Morning Sirens,

    Things have gotten really messy with Mr. Observant’s divorce…really messy. :(

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:40am

  210. 210: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    cf’s sister was there. she’s always there in my dreams about him for some reason. she’s indifferent to the whole thing — she supports whatever happens, basically, as long as i’m meeting his needs.

    mostly it’s just annoying

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:40am

  211. 211: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((starla’s brain)))))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:42am

  212. 212: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG – aw…noooo :(
    Stay focused..on you!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:43am

  213. 213: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((receiving girl)))))) (((((man))))) (((humans))))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:44am

  214. 214: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I just have to say, all you ladies here should feel proud that you have never acted this way. Called over and over in the middle of the night until he answered his phone so she could b!tch him out and tell him all the things she’s going to do to him in court. I feel really judgmental of her. I always had the impression from others that she was a b!tch, but I think that is an understatement. She is not even considering her children, but she is pretending she is. This is going to be very long and very messy. I just don’t understand.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:46am

  215. 215: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you blkoom-ing:)
    eh *moves forward*
    shower time.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:46am

  216. 216: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    “you’re exactly where you should be”

    yummy i can handle that Belief : )

    i’m gonna go hum & stretch : )) hum hum hum yum yum yum good girl : ) you can do that : )

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:47am

  217. 217: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Tam & Bloom-ing

    I told him that I am trying to stay out of his business, but I feel she has proven to him that he cannot trust her and he should discuss with his lawyer how he can protect himself.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:48am

  218. 218: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Last night I dreamt Mr. Observant and I went to his wife’s house, I met his kids and she was sweet as pie to me.

    Then, the phone calls started up and now she’s messaging me.

    Talk about eerie.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:50am

  219. 219: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ReceivingGirl… i’m not so sure. i’m pretty sure every man i’ve dated for years has gotten a real serious earful at some point during the break-up. & honestly, those resentments really build up, so when it’s at breaking point… it is SERIOUS, you know? i’d try to give her some slack….. like, just HEAR how much serious pain & anger she has about such a sad event…. i feel compassionate toward such a woman…. (((receiving girl)))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:50am

  220. 220: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG, can you stay out of their battle?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:54am

  221. 221: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG, I have on occasion acted a little crazy, not like that but now I cringe. We learn a lot here

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:55am

  222. 222: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG I agree with bloom-ing. Especially if he has kids. You could likely get painted as the other woman to kids. Who broke their relationship. True or false you just have to take care of you and allow her to go through her grief/denial/ranting whatever it is that is her process. There is no way you can build his attraction to you by being critical or judgemental of her.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:58am

  223. 223: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Jeepers, I feel like little kiddy again, just had an email from MrU and really don’t want to read it (here we go again) as I am afraid it will say the Condo is not available and all sorts of stuff, and also that I will feel compelled to write back straight away and I do not want to.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:04am

  224. 224: TamNo Gravatar says:

    222 seconding that

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:06am

  225. 225: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I would read it just to see if I get that compelling urge. And then sink into it.

    “SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.

    Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).

    So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.

    As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.”

    “Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.
    Step 2 – You do NOTHING
    Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:10am

  226. 226: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “annie, 187

    this may sound really horrible, but i have trouble remembering gifts of all sorts. even if i purchase them & have them ready & wrapped, i’m likely to forget them at home. i don’t remember holidays or ever expect gifts or celebrations. none of that feels important to me, or very much like “love”…. ummm… feels more like “a corporate structure” – i don’t want to feel trapped. i love to give gifts. i give random gifts & get random gifts : ) i love to receive things & i love to give things…”

    I understand and feel in agreement that we might forget when we are at home.

    I don’t want to forget my own childrens, partners parents etc.
    And I don’t want me or my children to be forgotten by their parents grandparents.

    Do you think corporate structure is a feeling?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:13am

  227. 227: Memulo says:

    Tam, yes this is correct. Invited and not following thru, even when I reminded last night

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:18am

  228. 228: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Our emotions and experiences need to take a back seat to our innate, natural larger view of existence. And yet – we can’t get to this big, “spiritual” place where we feel connected to everyone and everything that exists anywhere until we’ve first discovered and made grand peace with our emotions.
    Love is where it’s at – and it starts within us.
    Loving yourself no matter what is a bigger idea than it sounds. Letting the icky stuff be heard and seen is what we’ve spent our lives and energy PREVENTING happening – and now I’m asking you to LET it happen!
    Step-by-step, we become who we really are – and the thing is – each step of the way, we have NO idea what the next step will look like!
    It’s easy to get so scared of the unknown next step that we hold ourselves in harness – and then get angry about the ropes and straps tying us down.”

    Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:18am

  229. 229: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Joann – you’d be insane not to wonder what he’s doing on the weekends. I’d say “you know –I like you very much and feel great with you, and I don’t really want to be exclusively involved with anyone I don’t see on the weekends…” And then go Circular Date and stop the exclusivity. PERIOD.

    Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:19am

  230. 230: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, this makes so much sense…thank you! But how do you do any of that – especially the part about leaning back and communicating in feeling messages – if you and your man are not physically together in the first place? For instance you are temporarily in different countries, or even in the same area but he hasn’t come by to see you for some time. Really need your advice. Thanks!

    : Rori Raye says:
    Helena, Welcome, and you do it with your mind, your imagination, and getting on with your love life. You CANNOT be exclusive in this situation unless you’re married or engaged (I’m not even sure if I agree with this one…). You shift your “vibe” at the core level – where you’re getting your needs met, even though he’s not there. I truly believe this is something a man can pick up across “the ethers” – and across the world.

    Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:20am

  231. 231: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing, Tam, FW

    Thank you. I’m trying my best to stay out of their battle. I’ve just listened to him when he needs to vent. Last night, she went over the top with what she plans on doing. She is personally attacking him in every way she can come up with. This is a lot more than just voicing her feelings and resentments. She wants to hurt him.

    Their relationship issues have been going on for years prior to me. They were separated and going through divorce when I got in the picture. Before that, he had been sleeping on the couch for over a year. I am not breaking anything up, it was already over. She is the one who filed the papers. She told him she’s having someone move in.

    I’m 100% sure I will be painted that way, FW. I don’t plan on responding to whatever she wrote in her message. I know that would be trouble.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:21am

  232. 232: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thank you sooooo much for that :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:22am

  233. 233: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow that feels scary to think how seriously some people take birthday cards and calls!

    i sometimes don’t make them and i feel terrified and guilty thinking that someone would think i don’t love them!

    my own family does call and i never felt forgotten

    it would feel horrible and so sad to feel forgotten and like i didnt matter

    i hope those people i dont’ call dont feel like that

    cuz i care a lot i really do


    it feels heartbreaking and also terrifiying

    i wonder what there is for me to heal?

    i feel so POWERLESS with others sometime…

    is that it?

    i feel ferociously rageful to think of people i care about feeilng sad and unimportant

    even tho for me i feel chill


    i feel confused

    i love my confusion

    i love my rage in there

    i love my defensiveness

    i dont want to be accused of not caring

    i dont want to feel unimportant

    i love me!

    this is not about me its about them!

    whew that feels relieving

    i feel sad again now

    and its ok

    yay me

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:22am

  234. 234: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    On a separate note, before all this went down, Mr. Observant brought me flowers and a card, thanking me and telling me how special I am to him. I’ve never been given a card for no reason before. :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:28am

  235. 235: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl – i feel disappointed you’re not Circular Dating… tieing myself to his guy would have me feeling really tense and unsafe… id feel way better to be on my bridge to happily ever after and see what men show up and if he can even do the job to take me there for me…

    he might be a nice guy… he might be able to lead me on my bridge… i dont want to put my life on hold or jump off my bridge to happy fulfilling relationship for a man, even if he’s getting dragged down himself …

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:31am

  236. 236: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    awww Receiving girl that does sound sweet! maybe this guy can do the job! hope to hear you’re circular dating soon so we can see if he can!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:32am

  237. 237: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving girl.”I just have to say, all you ladies here should feel proud that you have never acted this way. Called over and over in the middle of the night until he answered his phone so she could b!tch him out and tell him all the things she’s going to do to him in court. I feel really judgmental of her. I always had the impression from others that she was a b!tch, but I think that is an understatement. She is not even considering her children, but she is pretending she is. This is going to be very long and very messy. I just don’t understand.”

    I feel triggered by this post.
    I feel icky.
    I feel sad reading the judgments.
    I feel understanding and compassion and empathy for this woman.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:34am

  238. 238: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ugh i feel all icky ‘advising’ what id do in the situation

    it feels confusing

    all id do is what im doing which is meeting many many men

    mmm the ‘ethers’ thing is so working

    now that my attitude is very much about being taken out men are so stepping up wow

    and im quick to end connections with who doesn’t, in a soft and love filled way….

    yay!!! :)

    and wow im getting great behavior and having new breakthroughs and just generally

    feeling fulfilled with men

    i was feeling icky about no second dates… and now im so not…

    im just feeling nice and lovely and its amazing how much more of what i want im getting!

    instead of icky and empty im actually feeling fulfilled now and that feels lovely

    my icky times are short lived (like most of yesterday) and

    what i want is even more body health yum

    and im doing EFT like everyday and i imiss it when i miss it and i feel excited to do it yay!

    i love me

    thank you Daria thank you :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:36am

  239. 239: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry everyone who’ might feel judged by my words,

    Annie and Receiving Girl

    i don’t want to trigger you ladies to feel bad

    i feel scared that some of my communication was still kinda unconscious and it can feel bad





    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:38am

  240. 240: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    my trainer texted me this morning to tell me not to come in to our session and to take a well deserved break since he “murdered” me yesterday. wtf.. i don’t feel murdered. i haven’t taken a break in weeks, and i don’t want one, lol. i feel so weird.

    i am using this extra morning time now to gussy up all cute.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:42am

  241. 241: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling triggered by quite a few blog situations.., I feel thoughts jumping up Abt my parents relationship

    I’m feeling sleepy

    I have a luch date tomorrow and I feel worried I’ll sleep through it hehe :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:47am

  242. 242: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    No, I have definately acted badly in the past. Partly why I am here is to help with my own anger.

    I wish I could say something different. I got into a messy on off relationship and I could only handle it by lashing out.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:48am

  243. 243: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel tired

    I live my tired feeling

    I feel defeated ‘mm wat does that feel like I feel powerless hopeless. I love my feeling :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:49am

  244. 244: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl if it were me and I choose to respond to her I believe I would say “I pray that you find peace and happiness”. Don’t know if this would apply to her but sometimes people keep “talking” until they feel heard. If they feel ignored they keep going. Though I do wonder how she got your number.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:50am

  245. 245: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t feel judged or triggered by your words Daria.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:50am

  246. 246: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you. Honestly, I expected to be judged a little. I don’t mind it though. If there was any chance for a reconciliation in his marriage, I would never have accepted a date. I don’t feel bad about dating him.

    I don’t have it in me to date more than one man at a time. I never have. It feels icky to me. I CD in other ways, with myself and with other men, just not as dates.

    His divorce could have been finalized in a month, but now it won’t be that quick.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:52am

  247. 247: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, RG, Daria

    I feel triggered, but it feels good. That’s why I’m here to work through this stuff hopefully

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:52am

  248. 248: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    I feel icky about this too. :(

    FW, you make a good point. She is relentless with him, so probably will be with me too. She doesn’t have my number. She tried friending me on FB under a different name, then an hour later sent a message, which I won’t read until later, and then friended me under her real name.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:55am

  249. 249: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    What is there to respond to Feminine woman and receiving girl? As the communication was between two people who are separated and going through a divorce.

    This woman is already in attack mode and her children are involved.
    What benefit do you think it would be for anyone to go into this womans space?
    This woman is reacting in anger and pain.
    And the man is reacting by running away.

    If we are in reaction we have not healed yet. We are wounded.

    Would you go anywhere near a wounded tiger with her cubs?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:58am

  250. 250: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel agitated am off to make myself a cup of tea and feel better.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:59am

  251. 251: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    (((Rebecca))) I’ve also acted in poor ways in the past. Ways that embarrass me now. You are not alone in that.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:00am

  252. 252: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Annie I hope you feel better.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:04am

  253. 253: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving girl – I hope u find it in you to feel those icky feelings a d do it anyway, so that you can meet the right man for you. It felt icky to me too at first, I was very into loyalty and woundnt date if i was even in any way enotionly attached to a man (even obe not present in my life)

    It really feels way better to feel powerful and own my power as a woman to be courted and open.

    I’d feel sad to lose another few years tieing myself down to a guy and missing the gift of me, and healing my own judgements and limits on myself.

    I feel quite shaky thinking of that . :(

    Ugh it feels… Frustrating to feel so powerless

    I’m sure everything is healing!

    Yay me for staying with my feelings

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:08am

  254. 254: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Cripes, now our common friend at MrU’s just tried to call me – about the neighbour guy who wants to visit Germany and wants to ask me questions. I got all of MrU’s household on my case!!!! How to move away from that?! It’s kinda funny though

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:15am

  255. 255: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel empathetic to Mr. Observant and his wife because things didn’t work out. I personally want every marriage to work and for love to conquer all. It’s my idealistic thinking.

    However, I do feel judgmental towards her for her behavior. I understand feeling resentful, hurt, whatever. But, there comes a time, when acting out on your resentments is not in your best interest.

    His income is all they have. If she continues to rack up lawyer fees with all this BS, what does she think is going to happen? How is he supposed to pay child support, pay alimony, have his own bills to pay and pay all the lawyer fees? It is realistically not possible to afford that on one salary. She is hurting herself, her children and him. Who wins? The lawyers.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:15am

  256. 256: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    annie 226

    actually i kind of hurt my partner’s feelings this year because i did literally nothing for his birthday except like… the normal nice things i do, plus i said happy birthday to him…

    when “corporate structure” is a feeling – it is like (echo echo boom boom) // slanting angles hard surfaces slight construction errors or ground-sink —- ears pop weird pressure imbalances —- why is this happening ? where are my parents ? there is no food here or plants – everything is pretend & trash – smoke & stale air

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:16am

  257. 257: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I felt better FW after my tea and a flirt.
    Then felt patronized after reading I hope you feel better.
    And now feel amused and hey ho.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:18am

  258. 258: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    after i realized that he felt bad, i drew him a card with a coupon for “one birthday” – including a pinata, 3 leches cake, steak & wine, & a prezzie : )) i do love him & i don’t want him to feel somehow “forgotten” or not important… on my birthday, i just expect that i will be glowing & bathing in fairy dust : ) that’s it – that’s all i want… it’s just my day of power kind of : )

    last year no one “gave me” anything – not even my parents … but i went on a first date & got a kiss at midnight in my favorite park : )

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:22am

  259. 259: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing I love reading your comments.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:26am

  260. 260: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @249 Annie

    He is not running away. He is, however, not accepting being treated poorly by her. He will gladly talk to her when she is not yelling, swearing and calling him names. He is setting boundaries on how he will be treated.

    I haven’t even read her message yet. I will decide then how best to handle it. I do feel, however, being ignored will make things worse. I know it does for me when I am ignored.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:28am

  261. 261: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @253 Thanks ((Daria))

    (((Annie))) I feel bad you feel bad.


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:31am

  262. 262: TamNo Gravatar says:

    When I read about the wounded tiger, I felt sad. I was often a wounded tiger and lashed out when instead I should have been proud glossy Tigress holding my head high and speaking my truth. I now have nothing but compassion for wounded tigers because they are in a bad place and can’t handle it. ((wounded tigers))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:35am

  263. 263: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like leaning forward. PLEASE!! I need support to not do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:44am

  264. 264: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wounded tiger lashing out is a scream for love. That scream comes from a place that desperately wants to loved and accepted.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:46am

  265. 265: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I dreamed about him too last night. Ughhhhh

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:47am

  266. 266: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Tam, MrU sounds *so* much like my guy…a year or so ago. So many things you say trigger me into remembering those times and how I felt back then. It’s interesting to work through these triggers and look at how things have evolved since then and what my role was in all of it…

    RG, I feel so tense reading about Observant’s divorce and you being in the middle of all of this stuff with the ex. It makes my stomach feel churny. As I’ve written to Memulo several times, being involved with someone going through a divorce is messy and tricky and very stressful. I was that person for a while and I was very lucky that my man stepped aside. He knew what he was doing. I did NOT see that at the time, but in retrospect, it is SO clear. It’s a terribly volatile time for a relationship. It CAN get better and stable, but he has to walk through those doors alone and there is great healing that has to happen once it DOES settle down.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:50am

  267. 267: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, exactly

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:51am

  268. 268: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    188 – Sounds good! Sounds like you handled it well.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:52am

  269. 269: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel silly for feelimg awkward about calling back our common friend. I want to but worry it looks like game playing as MrU alwaus used to be a little jealous, he is most likely in the vicinity and it’s just awkward.
    But I like the guy and he was asking me stuff and I could not answer as I was in a meeting. Hrmpf.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:55am

  270. 270: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    R and I texted for 2.5 hours in the middle of the night. Yep, he’s my addiction, and I enjoy it too much. Don’t wanna stop…yet.

    He asked me out for either Fri or Sat at our favorite bar, depending which night karaoke is. :-) VERY rare for him to plan in advance with me (I allowed that pattern because i started to date him before I found Rori in 2009).

    It went very smoothly last night. We disccussed a little bit of issues. Ended on a positive note.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:56am

  271. 271: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Typos, on phone, sorry.
    Thank you curvy siren!!! I have a way to go yet…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:58am

  272. 272: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 269

    The reason I said STOP was that as long as you’re looking for the What do I do now? What do I say now? – you’ll be stuck in your mind. So…
    4. Ask yourself this – what if I just dropped down inside myself, below the place where I’m trying to figure this out (and heroically trying to figure it out, so brava for that!), and I just forgave myself for everything and anything around all this thinking?
    What if I just laid a thick, yummy spread of compassion for me around my heart?
    What if I opened up to all this forgiveness and compassion and just, well…sat here (or stood here, or walked here) with it?
    And what would it feel like if I didn’t TRY at all?
    What if nothing I thought of perceiving or thinking or doing actually means anything?
    What if it doesn’t even matter?
    5. Now…focus on your body.
    Really track everything in your body for tension and holding, and let it drop away. Soothe it all with compassion and love for every fiber of you.
    Track how the tension comes and goes, how it suddenly reappears, how it feels when it dissolves – if even for a moment.
    Get familiar with how your body is reacting to what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, and the work you’re doing in these first 4 steps.
    Get familiar with what happens when one part lets go and relaxes. Get familiar with the feeling of “being moved” that shows up – and get familiar with what happens when you start to “label” the “moved feeling” as “sadness” or “upset” or “anger” or anything at all.
    Get familiar with what happens when you find yourself in this LIMBO place of constant forgiveness, compassion, and attention to your body.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:59am

  273. 273: JasmineNo Gravatar says:




    Am I repressing my feelings because I just want to say hi and I won’t?

    You made a good point (((Rebecca)))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:01am

  274. 274: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    woo woo woo i’m just thinking how everything is magical & i’m INSISTING upon it, actually : )

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:08am

  275. 275: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    jasmine, i feel curious about the “why” that you want to say Hi : )

    do you want to talk with a specific man? or are you just feeling excited & friendly ? or are you feeling cravings for attention ??

    yum i like to be friendly, but i feel so so so sad when i’m feeling a tiny bit off & i send an email or send a text or try to call & don’t get a response & the silence feels like “no one cares” & it feels bad to me. & i usually don’t do it because i can get the bad feelings just from something bad happening AFTER i reach out…. like, maybe i felt rockstar when i sent the message, but then 15 min later my boss yells at me & the rest of the day, i associate the pain of feeling embarrassed or incompetent or under-valued at work with the (usually inconsequential) pain of not receiving a response.

    what do you think?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:12am

  276. 276: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I just feel friendly. He’s a guy I used to date. But yeah, the only thing that stops me from doing it is what will happen next. I don’t want to feel disappointed.


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:24am

  277. 277: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I mean not dating, he used to be my boyfriend.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:25am

  278. 278: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding the wounded tiger…have any of you ladies contacted another woman or thought about it? (In regards to your guy seeing someone else)

    I feel curious as to what your intentions were behind that?

    I thought about it when I was questioning whether BoatGuy was seeing that other woman. I thought about messaging her on FB.

    My intentions were to 1) know the truth and 2) to make her aware, not for her benefit, but so she would leave him. I was jealous he was having intimacy with some other woman. In a way, I wanted to hurt him.

    I didn’t do it because I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I knew I would be labeled the psycho chic because she would tell him I contacted him. I didn’t do it to protect myself and my own reputation.

    Just pondering around her intentions.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:31am

  279. 279: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    Which point was that, I’m curious..?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:32am

  280. 280: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    164 – You said


    I think that is such a good point. No-one, in my opinion should repress their feelings good or bad. I thought the point of this blog is to confront patterns that aren’t working in your life with love and support. This is what I feel.”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:35am

  281. 281: TamNo Gravatar says:

    278 – she must be really in a bad place. I never seriously considered contacting another woman, it crossed my mind once but immediately I realised it would turn me into a psycho and that if I couldn’t trust the man then I ought to get rid of him (that was my philosophy, instead of looking why I didn’t trust him and whether it might have been me who had the problem)
    But no, I would never go as far as to contact any woman.
    However, I once had a woman come up to me whilst I was having a date and say ‘that is my boyfriend’ and she screamed and I thought she was going to hit me. I thought he was single, obviously, and even afterwards he insisted that she was ‘after him’ but they never had a relationship. You can imagine what that was like. She turned into a hyeana and I just thought ‘OMG…she is a goner’. And honestly, that put me right off ever doing anything like that myself, it is just such a loss of self-respect…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:42am

  282. 282: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling blocked and disconnected today, like I am in a perspex bubble

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:44am

  283. 283: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I am going to give my friend a call as he wanted me to speak to him..I can see it as a mini CD actually, practice speaking with him without getting triggered by any of the stories he will tell me – like what he and MrU have been getting up to.
    In some ways this chap is such a sweety, very open and cute and smiley, but he is younger than me and not really my type and he is also very child-like, that’s why I never really fancied him – and he doesn’t fancy me either. But he will do as my male practice man today..let’s hope this doesn’t backfire…it’s one of those days where it might!! 😉

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  284. 284: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I am sitting at my computer crying my eyes out. 200 Happy birthdays from all over and none from him. He just left without saying anything.
    I don’t know if I can stay here till the party…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:46am

  285. 285: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so BETRAYED and ABANDONED!!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:47am

  286. 286: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Miss bells, do you really *have* to stay?

    Good luck Tam

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:50am

  287. 287: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ReceivingGirl I did. When we were planning to get married over 20 years ago I started to hear stories about another girl from our mutual friends and an older woman. I tried to ask him but he avoided and was nervous. So in my ignorance I asked her in person. She said “yes, we have been seeing each other for 1.5 years and so” while batting her eyes. Needless to say it left me angry. Looking back I was a bit calm but told him he would be settling for second best. She tried to trick him into believing she was pregnant. She did a test at a clinic and he went to collect the results and came straight to my office to show me the results were negative. For weeks he tried to convince me to come back to him but my friends and family were against it and my father “blasted his head off” when he went to him about marriage. The marriage did not last as the last time they had problems he retreated to his office for a weekend and when he went back home she had thrown him out. He came slinking back and have been trying to get me since then. In an uproar they had he told me that he told her “you are wicked. You stole the woman’s man and now you don’t want him”. After several years of trying and me rejecting in, I eventually gave in and we got engaged AGAIN. He went back into his old rubberbanding patterns and not opening up when difficult situations arose. I eventually felt bored and moved on. Last year he came back again and told me he was really ready for marriage and believes that he can only be truly happy with me. Too late. Nothing for several months until recently when I got a fb friend request. Now that I have learned about leaning back he will not be hearing from me unless he moves forward. Unfortunately, I still feel bored.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:53am

  288. 288: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @281 Tam – yes it is a huge loss of self-respect. And, you are exactly right about the trust thing.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:53am

  289. 289: TamNo Gravatar says:

    286, thanks Ruth, he didn’t pick up the phone..phew…prob driving. I dodged that bullet :)

    Miss Bells –

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:54am

  290. 290: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells

    Go and enjoy YOUR party please do not let this man ruin your birthday!!

    Happy Birthday!!

    200 happy birthdays!! G’s I’m luck if I get 5!!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:55am

  291. 291: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Birthday ((((((((((Miss Bells))))))))))))))))

    Try to focus on what you do have rather than the one you don’t. 201 now.

    Easier said than done and I know “it’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to”. I would do too if this happened to me. But he is just one man. “You will survive. As long as you know how to love you will stay alive”.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:56am

  292. 292: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    Id say he was quite persistent about you

    Bored is good in that instance

    Hm, wel I just tried to sink down into the soup and got a flood of tears and some very strong physical feelings but i cant quite identify the emotions.(Or maybe I dont want to).It feels incredibly swamping and i dont like the loss of control.No wonder we stuff these things down

    Think Ill be needing a *lot* more practice and back off to CD5 of Reconnect.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  293. 293: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @287 FW – thank you for sharing your story. I believe in your case you had every right to act the way you did, as you were about to marry this man. We all have the right to protect ourselves.

    I was living with a bf and suspected he was cheating. I asked him a few times until he finally admitted it. I moved to the guest bedroom after the first time I asked him and he said no. I knew he was lying and I told him I didn’t believe him. The awful part is that he actually introduced me to this girl (before I called him out on it) and she shook my hand saying, “it’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you!”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  294. 294: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Now I read my comments and realized how triggered I felt with that batting of the eyes. Maybe one the reason I prefer being in my feminine energy. Back then I felt so angry and I can still feel the energy in my hand wanting to slap the “bat” off her face. I wonder what stopped me?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:01am

  295. 295: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    when i feel the low buzz, i go sing to the plants

    when i feel afraid, i tell myself, “it’s all unfolding perfectly”

    when i feel guilty, i tell myself, “love to me, i love myself radically & unconditionally”

    when i feel judged, i say, “i love you too”

    when i feel alone, i say, “i am part of this amazing beauty – i am infinitely connected”

    when i doubt, i remember that all it is is knowing that everything is beautiful & good & thought is a powerful, dare i say physical ? force

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:03am

  296. 296: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Happy Birthday (((Miss Bells)))

    Take care of yourself, throw yourself a grand celebration, and enjoy your special day!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:07am

  297. 297: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    She just messaged me again and the first line I can see when I don’t open it. She is angry that I have not yet responded to her.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:16am

  298. 298: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Now I feel very defensive. This is not good.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:17am

  299. 299: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I feel happy that you shared that story with us here. I’d say it was somewhat a lucky escape and all worked out as it should.
    Perhaps that is the lesson to draw from our experiences, negative as well as positive. Things have a habit of working out – and sometimes they have a habit of not working out. As long as we find a way to navigate the rocks, we are safe from losing ourselves. It’s a journey, but how boring would it be if we did not make it, if we did not have our stories, if everything was always smooth sailing?
    Even if it is sometimes painful, we learn, learn, learn.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:18am

  300. 300: TamNo Gravatar says:

    297 – can you block her messages, her number?
    This is going to be too tricky for you otherwise, I feel. You can’t really come out a winner in this situation unless you ignore her…I guess?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:19am

  301. 301: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    RG, blimey!

    hard to know what to do in that situation

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:20am

  302. 302: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    thank you, femininewoman : )) ooh & i’m loving the singing : ) esp. lean back lean back because i love that song …i love to dance to it & it makes me feel really cool…. there ain’t no need for a vip section, in the middle of the dancefloor…… : )

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:22am

  303. 303: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I can block her from FB. I haven’t read either of her messages yet. I am at work and don’t want to deal with that until I am at home.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:23am

  304. 304: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    Down yonder green valley, where streamlets meander
    Where twilight is fading, I pensively roam
    For at the bright noontide in solitude wander
    Amidst the dark shades of the lonely ash grove
    Tis there where the blackbird is cheerfully singing
    Each warbler enchants with his notes from a tree
    O then little think I of sorrow or sadness
    The ash grove enchanting spells beauty for me

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:23am

  305. 305: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I was actually expecting this from the stories I’ve heard about her, she is not the nicest girl according to lots of people. This morning, Mr. Observant apologized in advance if she tried to contact me today.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  306. 306: TamNo Gravatar says:

    301 – Ruth, I love that you use Blimey. I use it all the time, it’s so British and makes me laugh….and
    once something happened and I just stood and looked and MrU looked at me and said ‘BLIMEY’
    (to mock me I guess, because only I ever said it there…). And I laughed so hard, because it just does not go with a Marlboro American big man to say ‘Blimey’…I don’t know, it cracks me up every time..
    I love my ‘blimeys’

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:25am

  307. 307: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG, did you tell us how she got your number? I mussed have missed it..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:26am

  308. 308: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells,

    I hope the energy of 220 happy birthdays makes its way to your heart and helps you to know that there is love in the world for you.

    Whatever you decide to do, stay with your plan or leave today, we’re all here to support and encourage you.

    I feel so sad that you’re going through this, especially today.

    (((((Miss Bells)))))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:27am

  309. 309: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    “modern man’s hustle” by atmosphere

    Hush little lady dont say a word
    All the rest of the village gonna know your disturbed
    And if you let em know that your vulnerable
    Then there aint no stoppin (high) before they open you slow

    Im a chapter in you text book
    Read me like a check book
    Mistook love at first sight for a sex look
    Enough of the blind man’s bluff
    I want the good stuff
    Trying to hook up a full belly and a foot rub

    The moderns man hustle, i dig it, I shovel
    Feed me ya troubles and need me to cuddle
    Bundle up in my mitten and coat
    As cold as it get Ill keep your winter afloat

    So let the snow fall (its comin down)
    She doesnt want to understand why I still come around
    She look at the mirror she dont see what I see
    She holds no history of how precious she be

    Lay your head on my chest speak of this stress
    Kick your feet up and rest before we clean up the nest
    I hate to see you upset, it cramps the position
    And if you didnt know you better listen

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:27am

  310. 310: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, she doesn’t have my phone number. She is contacting me through FB.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  311. 311: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ‘must have’ oh dear, my spelling is going AWOL

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  312. 312: ruthNo Gravatar says:



    (im an Ancient Brit)

    Thank you, that made me all smily. I think i needed that

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:29am

  313. 313: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    miss bells, wow – 200 happy wishes ?? that sounds wonderful… i feel sad about your “Missing” wish, but i feel sure that lovely things are rushing down from above for you. also, i like your website : ))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:30am

  314. 314: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG, how about blocking her? I would. I know it seems infantile but you really don’t want to be dragged into it, believe me…
    It will be hard enough as it is (speaking from experience with a recently divorced man). You will see more than enough of her in due course….with kids etc. I would keep out of it, exit politely, you could tell her via fb that you do not think further contact is conducive…something like that and then block her…just my 2 cents…might be wrong??

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  315. 315: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, i smiled to see the word “mussed” – i really like that word : )))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:31am

  316. 316: TamNo Gravatar says:

    yeah blooming..a bit like ‘I mussed up’… 😉

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:35am

  317. 317: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Good-oh !!
    (though unsure as to how to spell this)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:38am

  318. 318: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Jolly super Tam

    On a more serious note RG, Id not reply at all. it can only go bad

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:40am

  319. 319: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel super needy 2day. And that makes me feel sad, cuz im not getting the attention I really want.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:53am

  320. 320: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:05am

  321. 321: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    306 – LOL, I think “blimey” is cute! I live in Northeast US. A friend of mine enjoys saying, “bahstahd” (bastard) with the English pronunciation!

    How about it for you wonderful English ladies? I just love an English accent!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:12am

  322. 322: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    (((Miss Bells))),

    Happy Birthday. Yeah, have a happy birthday…anyway…just to spite him! :-)

    (I hope you hear from him…and sorry to hear you are hurting)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:14am

  323. 323: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    Will you sing another song for us? Then we can cheer for you, and you won’t feel as needy anymore! 😆

    You have a beautiful voice!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:16am

  324. 324: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Just read her messages…WOW…volatile. She’s threatening to contact my friends that she knows so she can get in touch with me so we can get together and talk.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:18am

  325. 325: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel you are being very brave… I feel inspired by this

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:21am

  326. 326: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Awww Esteemed. Thank you. I will when I get home. Im sure theres a song that sums up how I feel right now

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:22am

  327. 327: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed, thank you!! :)
    And I want to say I am excited about your face to face date with R, that’s a huge step forward…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:23am

  328. 328: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    she sounds a bit pyschotic RG

    Take care


    Esteemed, hmmm, there are a few different accents over here.You might not like the Birmingham one:)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:24am

  329. 329: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    “And I want to say I am excited about your face to face date with R, that’s a huge step forward…” – Tam

    I second that!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  330. 330: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG – it’s disrespecting boundaries. You have to insist on boundaries which in this case would be totally ignoring and blocking her, she is focusing on you now and that is not going to end well.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:26am

  331. 331: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    She unfriended her brother, who I know. He must not have given into her request to choose.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:26am

  332. 332: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you everyone. My stomach is in knots.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  333. 333: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    haha RG, I would message her back and say “Ohh we’re just dating, girl, we haven’t even talked about exclusivity or anything like that, so I don’t think I’m someone you need to talk to. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with such intense feelings right now. I wish you all the best”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:32am

  334. 334: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Sooo I couldn’t help myself and ended up saying hi. This is our convo:

    J: Hola!

    A: Hey what’s up?

    J: Just saying hi, how are ya?

    A: I’ve been good what’s new with you?

    J: I’ve been really good, just trying to deal with this weather. It’s crazy!

    A: Haha Michigan wanted to be like DR for ya (DR is where I’m from)

    J: It’s been worse!

    A: Lol it’s been awesome! On the weekends at least

    J: Well yeah better than the snow

    A: Haha yeah I like being tan

    J: You mean orange? Haha

    A: One time! I am tan now NOT orange

    J: lmao alright I’ll believe you

    A: Ur probably as black as Perla by now :p (Perla is a really dark friend of ours)

    J: Haha shut up! I’m a brownie now

    A: lol beach or pool?

    J: Actually both

    A: Yup that’s the way to go

    And I stopped it right there. I could’ve kept going but I stopped. Ehh, I’m not even anxious :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:38am

  335. 335: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @314 Tam

    I’m not really sure how to handle this. I don’t think blocking with stop her.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:40am

  336. 336: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @325 Thank you Rebecca.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:42am

  337. 337: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed, I must have missed your post about a face-to-face with R. I hope it goes well! :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  338. 338: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @333 Starla

    Thank you for that! :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:45am

  339. 339: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with Starla RG.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:52am

  340. 340: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    And now he keeps talking

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:54am

  341. 341: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Basically, I’m a whore with no morals, ruining her kids lives and toxic.

    Divorce isn’t always about bitterness and sometimes is about making a family unit work better as a whole.

    So, what, does she think they are still going to be a family after the divorce and live together happily ever after? That all of the things she’s dragging him through is for the benefit of the family?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:55am

  342. 342: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I remember when my cousin split with her husband. He left no stone unturned to get in touch with all friends and family to paint her. He told me she was a lesbian and why he thought so. She had once agreed to a 3 way which ended up into several events. Then he disappeared so it ended up two-way with the girls. Then the other girl got pregnant. He left to be with that one until she discovered who he really was and kicked him out.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:55am

  343. 343: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Went into moderation…let’s try this.

    Basically, I’m a wh#re with no morals, ruining her kids lives and toxic.

    Divorce isn’t always about bitterness and sometimes is about making a family unit work better as a whole.

    So, what, does she think they are still going to be a family after the divorce and live together happily ever after? That all of the things she’s dragging him through is for the benefit of the family?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:56am

  344. 344: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    FW omg. i read that in a romance novel once. Well not really a romance novel cuz it wasnt romantic but i didnt read the rest cuz i was sort of disgusted by the drama and the language used to describe it in the book.

    Im not into books filled with slang anyway. I gave it back to my cousin and that was that. But thats EXACTLY what happened in the book.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  345. 345: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    I had a nightmare (!) about the guy I dated for 8 years last night. What’s up with our dreams??

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:01am

  346. 346: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    You are so welcome! I used that exact pattern of communicating in politics several times (a lot of “crazies” contacting me in an intense way) and it works like a charm! Sometimes they respond with more intensity, but you just keep following the pattern. So if she responds like “wtf sljdskjdeiujskd” you can just say something like “ohh, i’m so sorry that you’re dealing with such an intense situation right now. It must feel so hard. And I know that there’s nothing of value I can really “add” here, so I hope my wishing you all the best is enough. Take nice care.”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  347. 347: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Hahah Siren Song,

    It’s like a plague

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  348. 348: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    RG.Oh no

    DONT reply

    Dont get dragged in

    its not your issue

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  349. 349: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    But, is it my issue. I mean, I am here. I’m a big girl and I made a choice.

    I text Mr. Observant and said, I feel uncertain as to how to handle these messages. He hasn’t responded yet.

    They are not FB friends, but he just liked Zoosk and followed her on it. That does not make any sense to me.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:12am

  350. 350: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG we can all learn from her thinking. Remember the things Rori recommends is COUNTER-INTUITIVE. For the most part many women think the way she is thinking. I have seen a woman physically attack the man, and physically attack the girlfriend. What can I tell you? the female hormones are strong.

    I really wish you would try Starla’s strategy. Take the higher road. When I see and hear things like that I can see why some get called “low class”.

    I should also share authentically. I have experience of being in your shoes and is the reason why when someone else shared about a married man flirting with her I encouraged her not to go there because the man was still living with his wife is what I understood and was “thinking” about separating because he was unhappy.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:14am

  351. 351: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    327 – YW. Aww, thanks! I understand my friendship with R being a little not too favored on the blog. it has been pretty rocky. But it feels good that you support me anyway. I sure had a rich conversation with him last night!

    The thing about the “friendship” level, a big reason why I don’t think he really means it, is that ALL throughout our friendship, he has tried to convince me that he is not interested romantically, even when it was obvious he was.

    For example, in his deepest moment of truth, when his emotion was all over his face and glowing thru his eyes, he said, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world.”

    Over and over, for 3.5 years, his actions have said in big and little ways that he is interested romantically….while his words rarely line up. It feels confusing, but I continue to believe he is seriously, and I do mean SERIOUSLY considering me as a potential wife.

    In his case, I believe it is not a fear of commitment, but that he takes a romantic relationship SO seriously that he is making a complete study of me and giving us a serious amount of time to get to know each other, so that we come together and mesh on every level before he makes commitment official.

    I understand that sounds far fetched to some, and I accept that. But that is my belief.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:15am

  352. 352: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    RG be VERY careful here
    Any reply you make could be held up in court
    You do not know this woman, you dont have to reply to her

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:15am

  353. 353: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    BTW A man recently told me that he would do anything for his woman because he realized a loing time ago that when the woman is happy, he is happy and everything is happy at home.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:16am

  354. 354: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with Ruth… could get ugly.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:17am

  355. 355: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    337 – Yeah, he asked me out in 270. Happy me!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:17am

  356. 356: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, that’s sweet. That was a good man – and wise :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:18am

  357. 357: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Esteemed, I do feel reluctant to comment on your situation
    You are there and I am not
    I feel so uncomfortable about the deliberate infliction of pain on his part, your history of being abused and what you said about him being your addiction earlier on

    That doesnt feel good to me
    I hope I am wrong and that things work out

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:19am

  358. 358: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth do you suggest RG do nothing? say nothing?

    What if this woman eventually gets her address and shows up there?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:21am

  359. 359: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens!

    Sorry I have been away from the Blog – It must have been a while – I missed several posts!

    I have been getting ready for my hearing in court trying to get the alimony I pay to my ex-husband stopped – he is such a leach . . . grrr… We had a brief hearing yesterday that it took me weeks to get ready for – pushing it to trial now – will have several more months to worry about it~

    Yesterday was intense for me and I felt so alone in the world. I wanted to cry and lean on someone, but there wasn’t anyone there. I’m not going to dicuss these things with any of my current CD’s. I kept thinking about GM and wishing so much that I could talk to him. My hearing was at 3:00 – at 1:30 while I was studying my notes, I got a text from GM! He wanted to know if I had gone to court – he remembered that date from two months ago when it was first scheduled! Wow!

    I texted with him a little before the hearing and he asked me to let him know how it went, so when it was over i texted again. I told him I was feeling discouraged and that if we were closer it would be nice to share stories (He just went to court too) and hugs and a cold drink . . . he replied that it would be real nice . . .

    I immediately pictured myself snuggled up against his long, lean, naked body . . . pressing up under his left arm, being absorbed right into his rib cage, where I belong. Snug, protected, loved. I cried a little, but felt immediately better. I have not texted him back and don’t plan on it, but I feel encased in him right now. I don’t know if i will ever stop loving the man and right now, I don’t even want to try any more.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:22am

  360. 360: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 356 I also feel reluctant to comment and truthfully icky reading the details. If there is ever a situation that helps me to clearly face my judgemental body reactions this story is it. It is really good practice for me with walking away, putting my hand over my mouth and shifting my focus.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:23am

  361. 361: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    OMG Calypso what a beautiful comforting vision. aaahh

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:26am

  362. 362: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I feel like you’re imagining he’s considering you as a potential wife just like you were imagining he was going to propose to you. I hope it doesn’t turn out the same way.

    I feel like I will just stop commenting on your situation.

    Wish you best!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:28am

  363. 363: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I do suggest doing nothing at all, yes FW
    A reply could lead to all sorts of stuff that could be used in court
    Now, i am assuming that RG does not actually *know* this woman
    If she shows up at the house, call the police
    Hopefully it wont come to that

    the problem with any interaction, especially on line is that words can be taken out of context and used against people
    This woman is likely to be quite irrational and angry

    (I am also assuming here that Mr O was separated from his wife before RG got together with him-not sure of full history.Because if not, then RG could end up being named in the divoce stuff, which would be messy, to say the least)

    If it was me, id say Nothing
    There is not any reason to reply

    But, i guess others may think differently

    I just cant see how replying will make anything better, and it might make it a H8ll of a lot worse if things get out of control

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:29am

  364. 364: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am not disagreeing with you Ruth. I just wanted to understand your rationale which hopefully will help RG make her independent decision. I just know though that it is human nature to keep trying until they feel heard.

    Having said that I have experienced that with car accidents drivers are advised not to correspond with victims. I wonder what Pamelala would suggest.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  365. 365: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Good point well made FW, about wanting to be heard

    It just sounds potentially so out of control, and i feel anxious about it

    Of course RG will make her own decisions

    As we all will

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:39am

  366. 366: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Calypso…. I can so so see myself havibg that snuggly fantasy. So nice. I miss the reality of it but that visualisation is soooo comforting.
    I imagined something similar the other day and told myself :stop it.
    Next time I’ll allow myself….

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:41am

  367. 367: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    omg, that is so triggering to me!
    My best friend got hit and her car totalled last week by a driver. And the driver NEVER came to check on her and see if she was okay, even though there were people around her shouting “don’t move! don’t touch her! She’s pregnant” and an ambulance came.

    My friend was just fine as it turns out:) But I thought “wow that driver has no humanity in her”

    She also denied the accident being her fault, but there were witnesses including a police officer.

    Some people…:(

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:41am

  368. 368: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i was watching some katt williams comedy….

    he says: Bxtches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin’ a nxgga,”You fxcked up my self-esteem”. Bxtch it’s called SELF-esteem! It’s the esteem of ya Mutha Fxckin Self Bxtch… How did I fxck up how YOU feel about YOU?


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:44am

  369. 369: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    LOL that actually made me laugh.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:47am

  370. 370: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla that was legal advice. It seems helping the victim can be construed as admission of guilt. My mother got hit years ago and that was the experience.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:49am

  371. 371: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    he does have a point


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:49am

  372. 372: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I’m 13 days late today, how is this possible?!

    I want to go to the pool. I hope today is not the day either lol. But still.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:50am

  373. 373: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Does He Not Respect You Because You Don’t Respect You – OR Him?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:04pm

  374. 374: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW – or both.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:06pm

  375. 375: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I love Kitchen Aid.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:18pm

  376. 376: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    FW & Tam – Thank you – It feels lovely to have my vision recognized for being as special as it feels to me right now. I know I need to get back on my horse and ride and I will when I feel strong enough, but right now I am taking comfort the only way I know how. I feel fragile and bruised. I’m going to stay all warm and snuggled up next to the man I love until I feel better – he doesn’t have to do anything, he won’t be the wiser, but the Universe knows . . . the Universe is allowing me the comfort. I don’t think I would feel this way if it wasn’t healthy.

    GM and I imprinted on each other. We may never be a couple again, but I know the comfort and bliss of being loved by him and I’m using those memories to get me through a rough time. It may make it harder (In fact I know it is making it harder) for me to find another man, but it’s just because my standards are so high now that I know how good I can feel – I won’t settle for anything less than feeling like I am ONE with a man. I wish I could go home and take a nap right now – I would close my eyes and image myself being absorbed into his body. I wonder how powerful he would feel if he could know how I’m feeling and what I am imagining . . .

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:21pm

  377. 377: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Urgh, just read MrU’s email. Uninspiring me.
    He told me that they were all sitting, having a barbecue and conversation last night. And they were just missing the dancing girls.
    Yea yea. I feel pouty and uninspired to answer anything at all.
    I can’t even think of a feeling message. Despite the fact that he also offered more visa advice, all of which I know already.
    I just feel flat reading it.
    I feel like saying: thanks, I feel flat.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:26pm

  378. 378: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    CL called me on my lunch to make date plans (awww that feels nice, cuz he emails me all day long, but he CALLS to make the plans, yay!) and I said ohh I’m free tonight but not tomorrow. So he said “what a bummer, I would really like to see you, but I have plans to look at houses with my realtor tonight”. And I said ohh I feel disappointed but okay:)

    And then he called me back and said he cancelled with his realtor, haha. He’s going to take me to dinner.

    I feel special. And.. I feel VERY unworthy and kind of like I’m demanding.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:28pm

  379. 379: TamNo Gravatar says:

    wow Starla….you are clearly very worthy :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:34pm

  380. 380: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    why would you feel unworthy?

    he wants to see you and thats that :)


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:34pm

  381. 381: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    they were just missing the dancing girls

    Tam if that includes you I would see this as the waterwheel of love turned towards me. Just yesterday you were wondering if he was boating with other women. If he is caught up with other women how could he miss you?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:36pm

  382. 382: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla send me some of your magic dust so I can use it too.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:36pm

  383. 383: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @350 FW – I understand. Mr. Observant is not living with his wife, he is living with his mother.

    @352 Ruth, yes, thank you.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  384. 384: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I do feel sad that CL is not CF
    And I understand what Calypso says about “imprinting”

    I don’t want to chase the CF dragon for the rest of my life

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:38pm

  385. 385: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry.
    This email is a huge trigger. It is typical because he can’ help but refer to other women, all the time when I am with him – specific ones, ones that we come across.
    Now he is even doing it in the email, unspecific ones, like he is trying to wind me up, but he isn’t – he is just thinking about women.
    I told him yesterday that I missed being there and boating with him.
    Today he says they had a lovely time and were just missing the dancing girls. It’s almost like he is saying ‘don’t think I missed you, by any chance, don’t get any ideas, yeah dancing girls would have been good but otherwise we were as happy as Larry’

    he said nothing about the Condo being available.

    It just feels bad. Even the attempt at offering me advice and being helpful, that came after that, doesn’t make me feel more inspired.

    I mean, would any of you seriously want to answer that? I really don’t. I could say ‘oh it’s his way and I know he is like that’ – but it just doesn’t feel good. Period. And the fact that he never said about the Condo being available means that he either did not even see my question, or he ignored it, chickened out, or it’s not available, or it is and he couldn’t just say: ‘it’s there for you’

    I feel mad and sad and fed up trying to see meaning where potentially the meaning is just not there.

    Should I even answer?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:40pm

  386. 386: TamNo Gravatar says:

    380…FW – I did not get the feeling it included me. It felt like just another dig, like when he refers to other women constantly when we are together. It grates; it is almost compulsive for him to do that, almost like saying ‘don’t get any hopes here Missy’

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:42pm

  387. 387: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Starla you wont chase CF for ever
    its still early days

    you will move on

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:42pm

  388. 388: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    calypso, i feel so happy & strong reading what you wrote in 375 : ))

    “my standards are so high now that I know how good I can feel – I won’t settle for anything less than feeling like I am ONE with a man…. I wonder how powerful he would feel if he could know how I’m feeling and what I am imagining . . ”

    yummy!! i love it. i feel so happy that i have known such good men & i love the belief that i will hold high standards in my life…. (((men))) &

    i think rori talks about a way to feel powerful is to take all your men along with you on your journey… even when they aren’t “there” with you…. you can still access the love you felt from them – they gave it to you! yummy ! you have that love in your body-heart & memory yum : )

    i don’t think it’s “giving him power” to use those loving visualizations…. : ) i feel more that it is empowering for YOU that you can get those feelings any time you want to feel that way : ))) that man gave you the gift of feeling that way, & you can keep the gifts even without the man : )

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:43pm

  389. 389: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I feel bad that I don’t answer your requests for input lately. I feel confused cuz I thought you actually sent him a goodbye letter and went NC. I am sooo lost. Sooo maybe I’ll just send you hugs:)


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:43pm

  390. 390: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    And if you can crystallise the happy memories usefully like calypso.
    That feels nice and comforting

    I hope i can do that one day too

    Thank you calypso

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:44pm

  391. 391: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @358 FW, yes that is also my concern.

    I just got back from the dr. and I was thinking about it while I was in the waiting room.

    I think right now the wisest thing for me to do is the tell Mr. Observant I feel it’s best if we back off so he can focus on his divorce because if I (or any other woman is in the picture) it’s going to make things 100 times worse. Neither he, I nor his kids need that added stress. It’s not good for either of our medical conditions and I don’t trust his wife to not find out where I live and confront me at full force.

    Then, I will reply to her and tell her I don’t accept friend requests from anyone who calls me a whore. I was under the impression this was a mutual break-up, a mutual desire to remain friends and move forward with your own lives and that she filed the divorce papers.

    Not sure what else I will say.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:44pm

  392. 392: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    FW et al,
    there’s magic stardust to go around!
    I would feel happy to “share”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:45pm

  393. 393: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Dang – moderation again, forgot to change that word! :)

    @358 FW, yes that is also my concern.

    I just got back from the dr. and I was thinking about it while I was in the waiting room.

    I think right now the wisest thing for me to do is the tell Mr. Observant I feel it’s best if we back off so he can focus on his divorce because if I (or any other woman is in the picture) it’s going to make things 100 times worse. Neither he, I nor his kids need that added stress. It’s not good for either of our medical conditions and I don’t trust his wife to not find out where I live and confront me at full force.

    Then, I will reply to her and tell her I don’t accept friend requests from anyone who calls me a wh#re. I was under the impression this was a mutual break-up, a mutual desire to remain friends and move forward with your own lives and that she filed the divorce papers.

    Not sure what else I will say.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:45pm

  394. 394: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, if it doesnt fel good to answer then you dont have to, do you

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:46pm

  395. 395: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    RG, wow

    Strong lady

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:47pm

  396. 396: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG I say this very gently – are you sure he lives with his mother? Hopefully you have been invited there and have evidence to that effect.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:48pm

  397. 397: TamNo Gravatar says:

    that comment would have soothed me FW, when I hadn’t heard it so many times before :(

    I would like a man who is man enough to say just once in two years: I miss you.
    Or variants. It’s not even crumbs anymore, it’s blatantly throwing the crumbs in the bin and smiling and asking me: ‘so, still like me, even now?
    poor you!’

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:48pm

  398. 398: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:49pm

  399. 399: TamNo Gravatar says:

    388 – I had Starla, and was almost a month and then he kinda came on strong and I didn’t want to stay NC anymore, just to see if anything would change – perhaps I should have stayed NC.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:49pm

  400. 400: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing – Thank you for that! I still feel the desire to build GM up and make him feel good – alas – It is not my job. I’m working on me . . . he is on his own. Hopefully he gets strength from his good memories of our time together too.

    Having thios Blog as an outlet today is really helping me so much – thank you to Rori for giving us this forum and to all you Sirens for being here and sharing!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:51pm

  401. 401: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    You dont need that Tam, do you
    nd you dont need to waste your time replying

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:51pm

  402. 402: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    woah, i feel overwhelmed, i want to cancel the date now.

    my own issues
    don’t like how much he wants to please me
    he’s not cf
    where is my cf:(????
    seriously!!!!!! where did he go? this man who was so close to me just disappeared. and now my heart is in the lurch


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:51pm

  403. 403: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:51pm

  404. 404: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam it seems the “other woman” references bring up your insecurities. I wonder what if anything is being brought up for healing here? Have you looked at previous relationships that included this?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:53pm

  405. 405: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, just go out and have fun


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:53pm

  406. 406: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I wonder… are you trying to find CF in another man? That’s not good!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:54pm

  407. 407: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I just want to ‘let him have it’ but I realise that that wiuold be the former me, that he hasn’t done anything wrong and there is no point to lash out. Why?
    Can I blame him for not missing me?
    Of course not.
    Can I blame him for wanting dancing girls? No
    Can I blame him for sending me more advice? No, it is a nice thing.
    My voice of reason says ‘he has done nothing wrong, he is being nice and light and his usual self’

    and my triggered little girl heart says ‘it’s not enough, not enough, not enough’

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:55pm

  408. 408: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((starla)))) ((((((cf)))))) ((((((cl)))))) (((((((men)))))))

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:57pm

  409. 409: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    “Anything else new in your world?”

    Wow this guy really wants to talk

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:57pm

  410. 410: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t even know what to reply to that!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:58pm

  411. 411: TamNo Gravatar says:

    404, FW, no man has ever done that to me. No man has ever checked out other women when I was with him and said ‘oh, I’d do her’, or ‘look at her, she’s hot’, or one time ‘oh it would be perfect if I was with another guy now’ (as two beautiful girls asked us for help).
    Just nobody ever did that. It is almost like he is deliberately pushing me to the edge, and it is also his personality, he loves to look at women and tell me about it – and anyone, other men etc. He has already offended the wives of his friends, they feel uncomfy because he overdoes it.

    So this is really a very mild case, just the fact he had to bung it into the email – it was misplaced. Why, when he is such a man of few words, waste a sentence on that and not instead tell me if the Condo is available. I just don’t get it.
    It’s really like he is telling me ‘I am not missing you, you know, I am just missing females’. That’s the message here.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  412. 412: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Thats a good place to be tam
    you can see the issues

    I guess you say nothing

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 12:59pm

  413. 413: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I would love to send him a message to the effect that it feels bad he is missing dancing girls and not me – haha – which is so unbelievable un-Sireny and stupid that of course I won’t. I’ll just not answer at all.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

  414. 414: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Ruth. Yes, it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss for words really, maybe I can think of something tomorrow, maybe I can’t.
    I have decided to overhaul my POF profile instead. I send him my love and dancing girls, and get on my horse.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:05pm

  415. 415: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @396 FW

    Yes, I’m sure. He’s here with me a lot of evenings, but I did go to his mom’s house and I’ve met her. He wanted to hang out there and I told him I didn’t think that was wise considering she may show up looking for him and it wouldn’t be a good outcome.

    I feel he is very truthful with me. I’ve actually never really felt that way with a man before. I always silently questioned them.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:05pm

  416. 416: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    411.Tam, ugh that feels horrible

    that does not feel good at all

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:05pm

  417. 417: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    So I said:

    “Just been having fun meeting new people tried to start running but I got suffocated but still prettier and hotter every day”

    A: “Lol I don’t doubt that”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:06pm

  418. 418: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so triggered. Maybe I’m not ready to date? I do really like this guy, I’m just not physically attracted to him. But he is a good man and we have like 293809489283 things in common, even more things than me and CF had in common.

    I seriously feel upset. I feel like crying my eyes out in the bathroom.

    I’m not going to cancel on CL.

    I dunno what my deal is. I was secretly hoping we’d go out tonight. And I even told him i was disappointed we couldn’t. And now he’s moved his schedule around to see me, and he just really likes me and ummmmm

    I think mostly I’m terrified of hurting him if I never become physically attracted. He likes me soooo much. He told me so sincerely today that he thinks I’m the best woman he’s ever met in his life. I know he really meant it, too.

    I miss CF
    I miss CF
    I miss CF:(
    *cussing a lot*

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:10pm

  419. 419: TamNo Gravatar says:

    416 Ruth, I know. I used to overlook it because I know it’s about issues. And he stopped it for a long time after I told him it made me feel shabby…but then he took me out to Miami, after we had spent an amazing weekend, and sat down next to me instead of in front of me, and did not look me in the eyes but wanted to do ‘people watching’ which was women watching. Every woman that walked by got a comment. It was awful. I suspect it was the withdrawal after a very close contact and lovely weekend…it was too much for him and there was the ‘pushing of my boundaries’ and going cold on me.
    He didn’t know how I felt, I should have told him, instead I just got very very angry and silent. These days I would just tell him: that feels awful. And he would stop. I know because I did it once and he stopped dead in his tracks, he was shocked. However, I am tired of all this, you know. There is a good man hidden there, but I am tired of waiting for the not so nice layers to peel off. I am just tired of loving this man.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:12pm

  420. 420: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    its ok to feel that starla

    Just go out and se what happens

    Might take your mind off CF for a bit

    jasmine sounds exciting

    Right well, i really must drag this old carcass out for a run, i havent yet today

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:12pm

  421. 421: TamNo Gravatar says:

    41 (((Starla))))) I know how it feels, hang in there girl, go on you date you will be just fine.
    I promise this to you.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:12pm

  422. 422: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I want a man I need to strategize how to get to like me

    I want a man I need to worry about what to wear for him

    I want a man that makes me anxious and wonder if I’m good enough and okay how I am.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:14pm

  423. 423: ruthNo Gravatar says:



    It *is* ok just to be liked for you

    lean back

    Lean back


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:15pm

  424. 424: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    It is perfectly ok to feel like that!! Just don’t push yourself into liking CL, go out with him, have fun with him, but don’t feel like you HAVE to like him. That happens with time!!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:17pm

  425. 425: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    tam, i don’t think it’s “un-siren-y” to say something….

    if that happened to me…. well, i’m kind of a baby about that kind of stuff, so i wouldn’t want to date a man who talked about other women that way… : )

    but if someone txtd me “missing the dancing girls” i’d say, “awwww…. maybe i’m hearing you wrong, but i’m feeling jealous of the other ‘girls’ getting your missing : ((( i’m feeling unimportant & i don’t want to feel that way with you. what do you think?”

    i feel curious… did he message you first? did he start this conversation about the girls ? if you “initiated” – possibly he is just “trying to get off the phone” & send the message that this is Guy Time – not Relationship Time… idk ! what do you think?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:18pm

  426. 426: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ruth, of course I “don’t” want that.

    But deep down I do. Always have. Thats why we go for unavailable guys



    I feel just sick and gross.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:18pm

  427. 427: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    Bl@@dy h*ll

    that must have been SO exhausting , to be with him

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:18pm

  428. 428: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    420 – Thank you Ruth!! lol

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

  429. 429: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i have a date in 40 min and i forgot to take dude’s number to see if he called

    i did wake up every hour to check

    and i don’t remember who he is

    theres anotehr guy with his name calling, and i dont think its the same guy… uhoh…

    i feel all lost

    and i feel very furiously angry at myself

    still i think, from kinda overfunctioning with the last man and now got myself in a position that i feel helpless and unworthy in

    i want to heal this

    thank u

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:19pm

  430. 430: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:21pm

  431. 431: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, now you just stop this right now, girl!

    You are GORGEOUS

    and this man thinks you are, so lap it right up!

    If you dont like hin enought to carry on, well fine
    But right now its just a fun evening
    he is a nice guy and you like his company

    and he wants to soend the evening with you

    No strings


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  432. 432: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I bet if CL wasn’t so clearly into me, or said he wasn’t sure about me or something, I would want him more.

    instead i feel turned off or something

    it’s like… the potential for obligated reciprocation. or feeling like he is being needy in all his adoring me.

    i dunno

    my head hurts, i feel ill.

    serious issues.

    i’m going to talk to my therapist about this when he comes back from vacation.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:25pm

  433. 433: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    run time

    wow its late

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:27pm

  434. 434: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for your support and comfort, ladies

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:29pm

  435. 435: JasmineNo Gravatar says:


    I totally feel you on the “sweet guy” issue. It IS a turn off. I used to hang out with this guy who was sooooo sweet and a gentleman, very caring and blah blah. Uhhh. I got so bored. And it was good until he tried to get very close to me. That was a total turn off. It felt so weird.

    So I would just hang out with CL as much as I can as long as he doesn’t try anything or make me feel uncomfortable. Just live it up, girl!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:29pm

  436. 436: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I havent quite gone yet Starla, but that resonates with me
    Do you feel “worthy” of being adored??

    thats all I am gonna say
    And now for the obligatory three miles

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:29pm

  437. 437: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel like this rolling desperation that i haven’t really been feeling


    i dont know what this is about

    i want to heal this

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:30pm

  438. 438: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla it is reminding me of the upper limit thermostat setting on the amount of love and positive energy that we can allow to flow through us. I am thinking of Gay Hendricks book “The Big Leap”.

    Time to stretch the comfort zone and push the thermostat a bit.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:32pm

  439. 439: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel tears building in my eyes just thinking about setting the thermostat higher

    i don’t deserve it

    i can’t handle it

    i’m going to hurt anyone who tries to give this to me

    i am unworthy

    oh sh*t

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:37pm

  440. 440: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Pool time!!

    ttyl ladies!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:37pm

  441. 441: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:


    Change is not always easy. Rori has written a bit about that. Where is Mel?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:38pm

  442. 442: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    CL is a gift!!! Eeeeeennnnnnjjjjjjooooooyyyyy

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:39pm

  443. 443: TamNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

  444. 444: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “6. Disarray is the start of your new life.

    The point is that doing this changes your “normal.”
    And when you get a “New Normal” – (more on this Tool is in my Reconnect Your Relationship program) – the man who shows up (even if it’s the man you’ve been with for years) is different.
    Your New Normal brings with it Confidence. Peace. Comfort….Happiness
    Instead of thinking expectations – your whole heart and body is in “love mode” – and everything you were worried about shifts.
    You’re more willing to do the things that make a man feel loved and welcomed and happy WITHOUT feeling needy, or angry, or resentful.
    Because – in fact – you’re no longer DOING – you’re just BEING.
    And – in just being, things get done. Things happen. You move, you talk, you feel – it just comes from a completely different place inside you.
    I can’t describe the experience for you – because the joy of experiencing this is yours to discover.”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:45pm

  445. 445: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I remember Rori talking about crying in an interview when she recognized her husband as him. She so did not want it to be.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  446. 446: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you fw
    i sure am glad to have you ladies

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:46pm

  447. 447: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    Today I was wondering why I am so negative all the time, why I am so frightened of being / feeling positive.

    I really think it stems back to my childhood when a friend said that I was ‘tempting fate’..

    I find it so hard to be positive. I really want to be positive.. I want to be positive about my lovelife… I can barely write this I feel so shakey and scared…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:47pm

  448. 448: Shar lean way backNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I would add more guys in my cd rotation so there is less pressure. What do you think? i.e. I like you but I’m dating until I feel ______

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:47pm

  449. 449: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    FW, recognized her husband as what?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:48pm

  450. 450: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, from what you have been posting for days, you have made lots of changes for yourself. Kudos! You are not the only one that has pangs like you are feeling right now. I have and probably will again.

    I cant tell you how many times I have had an okay guy really like me and I just wasn’t into them. I a practicing being in the moment. What ever I am doing I am paying attention to how I feel at the moment. CD’s are practice for us. I occurrs to me that you might just get pulled off your bridge with guy and this is just the right kind of man for you explore this other side of yourself right now.

    I want to learn to receive and be open and stay in the moment with a man. My brain turns too much.

    So many of us can relate to having a guy be into us that we just aren’t feeling anything for. As for me I want to explore even that to see if I have some walls that need to either come down or stay as is.


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:50pm

  451. 451: TamNo Gravatar says:

    suddenly it resonates: does he not respect you because you do not respect you?
    Yes, that’s what it was.
    If I had respected me, I would have told him right from the beginning that ‘soandso’ doesn’t feel good to me. Instead because I thought I was not loveworthy showing the real me, I swallowed everything and excused bad behaviour towards me.

    I don’t want to do that anymore. If I ever hear a man again in my presence, dating me, saying ‘I’d do her’, I will calmly tell him that it feels bad, get up and walk away. And on our first date he said some things I did not like and because I wasn’t invested in the guy yet, I told him!! I told him that I thought he was being a bit extreme..and it never put him off me.

    Now it is already gone too far to do anything about it. Now the slightest thing throws me off kilter and wants to make me fire something back. Like ‘oh, I am dating half of Germany while you seem to have a lack of dancing girls’ – but no.
    I am even tired of using feeling messages because I don’t even know if I want him to know how I feel anymore, if I even care. Feeling messages about what ‘oh I feel baaaaaaad about the dancing girls’ – it’s like I have a screw loose even more so than before. Because I am not fed up about the dancing girls, I am fed up about all those times he referred to other women. And I should let it go or let him go.
    It’s like my old wounds are being ripped open. Triggers everywhere today.

    I want a man who makes me feel sane, not mad.
    I know he is trying his best to support me and I know these are all my issues and I am trying so desperately to heal them….

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:54pm

  452. 452: TamNo Gravatar says:

    thank you for letting me vent and your support, I feel embarrassed to be seemingly so out of control today and yesterday.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 1:55pm

  453. 453: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I have a sense of urgency, and I have a sense of urgently pushing this man away…which is also an old pattern of my unavailability. As soon as he gets close, and I feel a little hurt, I want to push, push, push. And that is what I used to do. Normally now, I’d have closed that chapter for another 3 months at least. I’d have said: ‘oh, glad you guys are having a lovely time. I am sure at the next best bar you can find some loose girls, and enjoy’
    – that would have been my hurt boy energy yet little girl inside speaking.

    I am pondering what would happen if I act the exact opposite of what I used to do. Except, I am not sure as to how. …hmmmm….I could see it as an experiment, like last week….hmmm…and experiment to do something outrageously different…just what.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:01pm

  454. 454: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Shar, yes, I definitely need to add other guys into my rotation. I am making a date with myself for Saturday night to make a POF profile. And to finally get in touch with all those guys I’ve been putting off while I was on my dating strike.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:05pm

  455. 455: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Annie – #186 – A man who loves you and is in love with you will respect how you feel and may even not go out at all without any prompting from you because he would rather be with you than go out, but if he does, it will be rare. You won’t need to worry about what he’s doing or where he’s going because your trust in him and your relationship will be so strong, it won’t even come up for you.

    If your man goes out without you regularly, and this feels bad to you, maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

    Boundaries around this can be set. But I would wonder why you would have to.

    If he’s so unaware, then a speech is warranted such as below.

    “I feel left out and scared when I’m left alone on a boy’s night out. Can you help me with this?”

    This is all that needs to be said.

    If he has female friends, it’s perfectly okay to ask to be a part of the friendship. It ought not even be an issue though.


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:06pm

  456. 456: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, yes, I’m a total bridge-jumper.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:06pm

  457. 457: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Miss Bells – Wishing a very happy birthday. And as for HS, this has happened before, several times. Please leave. Please go and enjoy your SPECIAL day with those who celebrate, you, love and appreciate you.


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:08pm

  458. 458: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe i just need to smother CL a bit so that he pulls back, and then I’ll feel attracted, ha ha ha ha

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:09pm

  459. 459: Shar lean way backNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, have a feeling there will be a lot to choose from in your case :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:11pm

  460. 460: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    starla, i keep typing you long messages & then deleting them before i hit submit, but enjoy your feelings & new experiences… : ) love you…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:11pm

  461. 461: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tam – I mentioned this before, but maybe you didn’t see it. A man who loves and adores you and cares for you wouldn’t even consider talking about other women in your presence and probably not even when you aren’t around. He may or may not notice attractive women, but if he does, it’s not a negative. He will notice and just as quickly have forgotten about her.


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:12pm

  462. 462: siren songNo Gravatar says:


    I felt super-triggered for guy who loves me after a good date with a guy. It’s your NVs kicking in trying to set you back, like a healing crisis.

    This is progress!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:14pm

  463. 463: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    awww i want to seeeee, bloom-ing. why oh why would you censor yourself to me:)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:14pm

  464. 464: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    It feels good to hear you say what you *do* want

    hang onto that

    You deserve no less

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:18pm

  465. 465: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca , maybe you coild just be neutral for a bit
    Just, not negative

    Till it feels safer

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:22pm

  466. 466: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “And – in just being, things get done. Things happen. You move, you talk, you feel – it just comes from a completely different place inside you.”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:23pm

  467. 467: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    I want a sexy man who wants to be close to me. I want a man who wants to grow old with me!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:24pm

  468. 468: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I read an email from Rori today which you might find helpful. It’s not the same situation but it’s talking about ‘other women’ I will find it and post it incase you haven’t seen it.


    Ps ex of 2 years asked me out for a coffee!!! I still haven’t heard from strumming man

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:25pm

  469. 469: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay i just pushed my thermostat a lil higher and it feels like my vibe is lifting

    yayah :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

  470. 470: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this woman?

    1. First – she can STOP talking about her at all.

    That’s right. Not one mention. Not one complaint. Not one question.

    If her husband should bring her up – such as “Let’s have her over for dinner, okay?” – Emily has to say what she feels and what she DOESN’T want in this situation.

    That could look like: “I feel uncomfortable having her over. I feel jealous of her, and angry with you about her, and I don’t like feeling that, so I don’t want her in our house.”

    And then she stands there for a moment and listens to what he has to say. If he tries to convince her, she just sticks to the same words: “I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to invite her over…” And then she can walk away from the conversation.

    Or, she can go with “Sure.” And let her come over so she can see for herself.

    2. Next, she needs to use all my Tools to start fresh in her marriage. (My audio program Reconnect Your Relationship is perfect for this. It will help her “Change Everything” – her “vibe,” the way her husband relates to her – everything):

    Bring Him Close Again
    3. This is all about changing her “energy”… from being “combative” and “challenging” with her husband because she feels so mushy and weak on the inside, to feeling so strong inside that she can be a soft, alluring, magnetic woman on the outside.

    This is where Emily needs to get a handle on her own emotions.

    If you’ve read any of these letters, you know I’m not about “hiding” your emotions, or “changing” them, or “distracting yourself” from even your most unpleasant feelings – instead, Emily has to dive in and become AWARE of how her feelings are hurting her and her marriage.

    And in order to become aware of your true feelings, you have to feel them. And once you can feel them, in order to create true intimacy with a man, you have to be able to EXPRESS your feelings with him in a way that doesn’t push him away – as Emily is doing by attacking him, trying to get him to act differently… trying to get him to LOVE her.

    Why Your Words Are SO Important

    Expressing your feelings in an authentic way not only lets a man see who you are and get close to you because of your vulnerability – it allows him to feel SAFE with you.

    For most of us, this kind of instruction sounds like a direction to “have a serious talk about the relationship.” But that’s NOT what works.

    Later on, Emily might be able to say “I feel bad about our marriage. It would feel so good to be close to you again…” But that’s WAY later.

    Now, Emily needs to say things like “This feels so fun,” whenever there’s a moment of fun between them. Emily needs to get into her own sexuality and sensuality and feel happy when she’s around him by finding things in her life that she can be happy about. She has to take her focus off of him and find a way to experience happy moments for herself.

    And then, she can share them with him – like, “It felt so good to take a walk just now. I could feel the breeze on my face and the air felt so clean…”

    Taking The Focus Off Him…So He Focuses On You

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:27pm

  471. 471: TamNo Gravatar says:

    461 thanks Dominique, that has just sealed it for me that I don’t feel happy to carry on in that vein. I don’t want to make anymor excuses for it because it feels bad. period.
    I may tell him, I may not. I may just choose to quietly slip away.
    Thank you

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:28pm

  472. 472: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    tam, i’m not sure how other men are or how this man is when you share your feelings with him, but i do know that my man told me that he hasn’t “checked out” a girl since he met me & that he would never check out a girl in front of, so if i ever think that, i can just know that that is not why he is looking. he also says that i can assume that he will look at a beautiful woman, but it is just part of taking in the world – being aware of one’s surroundings – & enjoying the beauty that is : )

    i hear the difference he’s talking about as being the difference between “seeing” & “seeking” – of course he sees – of course he has no reason to seek

    i don’t want to tell you what to do or how to feel, but i hear “i’d do her” as “seeking” behavior, not merely “seeing” & that would feel awful to me


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:28pm

  473. 473: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Smile, so helpful!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:28pm

  474. 474: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Oops I missed the first part off 470

    I’m having trouble trying to understand my husband. He’s distant with me… He has a lady friend at work, which I don’t like because whenever she has problems she calls him and my husband tries to be there for her. I keep telling him ‘she has a husband why does she have to tell you her problems?’. We are having problems because of her. I try to understand but my feelings and anger and hurt gets in the way… also trust. My husband wants to be family friends with this woman and I don’t want that – he just doesn’t understand me.

    He calls her everyday even if they see each other at work. He doesn’t give me as much attention as he does her. He also told me he doesn’t love me or have feelings for me.

    Ever since she has entered our life it’s been problems. What do you think I should do? I’m very hurt and confused. I want him back to feeling the way he used to. Thanks Emily”

    A. I just want to wrap my arms around Emily and hug her – and I also want to shake her.

    I know you can see that everything she’s thinking about this situation, and everything she’s doing and saying is just making it worse – and yet I know that when you’re right in the middle of something that feels so awful, you don’t know what else to do.

    Let’s pull apart what’s happening here, and why what Emily’s doing isn’t working:

    Emily’s husband has lost his “feelings” for her.
    He’s met a woman at work who interests him enough to want to talk to her every day, even after spending the whole day at work with her.
    Because he feels bad, and doesn’t want to end the marriage, he wants to keep this woman in his life with Emily’s blessing, so he’s trying to get Emily to accept her as “Okay” – he wants to make her a “family friend.”
    Emily’s understandably upset… but…
    She’s focused on this Other Woman – when she should be focused on HERSELF.
    Bottom line, the problem is not this woman, it’s in Emily’s inability to attract her husband to her in a deep, emotional, intimate and cheat-proof way.

    So, How Does She Turn All This Around Fast?

    First, Emily needs to understand that this is about her and her relationship with her husband, and take charge again of herself instead of complaining about this woman.

    Next, she needs to stop feeling jealous and start looking at the day-to-day life she has with her husband. She needs to start seeing when and how he lost romantic interest in her, and then make some changes to get it back.

    I’m not saying her husband’s blameless – but you can’t make a man feel something he doesn’t feel by TELLING him to. You can’t ORDER him to love you.

    If he’s behaving in an intolerable way, and you don’t want to make the changes that need to be made to save the marriage, then you can leave.

    But You Can’t Push A Man Into Romance

    You have to INVITE him.

    And you have to invite him to romance you even if you’re feeling sad, angry, resentful, and everything else Emily must be feeling right now.

    Sound impossible? It’s not. It just takes some new skills.

    So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this woman?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:30pm

  475. 475: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    It’s getting worse by the hour :( Now false accusations regarding me & threats.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:33pm

  476. 476: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:33pm

  477. 477: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    PS day 32 no leaning forward with any man. Feels liberating!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:36pm

  478. 478: TamNo Gravatar says:

    472 thank you blooming, same here. Actually, it was slightly different, I guess, because that reference ‘I’d do her’ he only said when I was asking him when he remarked about a pretty girl..I said ‘ah, and would you date her’ and he said ‘no, but…’ he’d have sex with her basically. To put it into context he hasn’t done anything with anyone else for two years while I had..ummm…2 serious lovers and 1 serious bf during that time…
    But I do not like it and think it is disrespectful, yeah.
    And if anything should ever ever happen between us again that is a non-negotiable.

    I know that he is like this always, like I said, his friend’s wives are not very fond because he will try to egg on the other guys and say ‘oh look at that hottie’ and the other guys just mumble quietly or nod and the wives get upset…because it is horrible. I just used to shrug my shoulders because I know him, it had at some point ceased to bother me because it got less and less…and then came back. I believe it is part of his issues to act out so much.
    We are talking about a guy who is too shy to initiate affections, hold hands or whatever. I saw it as him doing the peacock thing…when he is in reality very shy.
    But you know, it’s annoying me now.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:40pm

  479. 479: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    ((receivIng girl))

    Can you distance yourself? Is contact by phOne? Can you turn it off?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:40pm

  480. 480: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been reading the comments for a while and notice there is a lot of stuff posted not really related to the topic, so I’m wondering if I can ask for some help here?

    I had a brief emotional affair with a man at work, a total bad-boy, player. We got a little physical in the office and very flirtatious but not sex and NO communication outside of work (we work in an environment where lots of inappropriate behavior goes unchecked). I knew he had a ‘harem’ but my feelings were so strong and he was expressing his feelings to me, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend until later.
    Anyway…finally the reality of it hit me hard, and so I ended all unecessary contact and put boundaries in place. I worked through my feelings, but noticed that all along, even though I felt enormous attraction and lust and tender feelings, there was always an undercurrent of fear. I noticed today how relieved I was when he did not play cards with our usual group at lunch (haven’t had physical contact for weeks).
    Today I gave him my speech before he left work.
    “I notice how anxious and nervous and fearful I feel when you are near me, and it feels uncomfortable. I almost feel like I want to throw up just saying this to you. I feel a little confused by the push-pull attraction between us and overwhelmed by my feelings. I don’t want to keep feeling this way, I don’t want you to have to leave at lunch, and I don’t want to have to hole up in my office at lunch, either. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?”
    And I backed up.
    The HE backed up. He shook his head in HUGE surprise as if he had NEVER heard this before (I’ve told him my feelings in the moment before), and kept saying, “Wow. Wow.” And he KEPT backing up. So I backed up another step, and said, “This actually feels pretty good right now, I feel more relaxed with you being at a distance.”
    He was flabbergasted, told me he had already planned not to hang out with us at lunch for the rest of the week, shook his head again and again, and told me he would have to think about it and get back with me, wished me a good afternoon and left.

    I hate that I feel so combative with him, he likes to fight, and something about him makes me really really want to hit him! (I wish I had mentioned those feelings but I didn’t). The more my head clears though the more I just want him to go the eff away and get out of my life. But we work together.
    Why do I feel such strong feelings of wanting to hit him??!!
    I feel like I’m right to be nervous and anxious, he *is* a player, and I’ve been a doormat and am learning to be stronger. I feel crazy with the push-pull of trying to make nice with the guy who hurt me *and* his girlfriend.
    I feel like I’ve been high off of the anxiety and fear for several months and now that I’ve been honest with myself and feeling my feelings fully, it’s making me appropriately sick instead. I feel weird and confused that the other woman we work with is good friends with him, hangs out with him outside of work, and she can be with him so easily and isn’t attracted to him at all. I feel like I should be able to do that and feel like I’m doing something wrong by not being able to just accept him being a player without it bothering me.

    Can anyone help me out here??!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

  481. 481: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I would not respond to the email. Only if he asks about my not responding message would I use a feeling message.

    What do you think?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

  482. 482: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay siren song
    i’m on day like 298730283 NC with CF. I lost track.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:45pm

  483. 483: TamNo Gravatar says:

    after we had no contact for a month, I had kinda vowed to now spend 4 weeks to try to just experiment with feeling nmessages and leaning back and after almost two weeks find it hard to carry on, but perhaps I will do it for another 2 and if I still get triggered like this just let it go. I know I can let go anytime because I have done it plenty of times before, I just felt to try something different.
    But if I get too much taken off my path then it’s not even worth another two weeks of my time

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:46pm

  484. 484: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I remember when you first started nc. You were trying to get to 30 days if I remember! Yey you!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:48pm

  485. 485: TamNo Gravatar says:

    480 – thank you Smile. I might just do that, which would let the convo go dead…he has a habit of thinking I am not interested so when I don’t answer he will also go into shell for a bit. He’ll be back but not for a while.
    I don’t feel to answer right now. Maybe it will change, but I am not inspired to any message, let alone a feeling message :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:50pm

  486. 486: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    I’m on day 9 nc with strumming man. I feel no desire to lean forward either. I’ve shifted to thinking his behaviour is rude not replying about the wedding when he said he would let me know last tue.
    Nc is easier when there is another guy on the scene. I’m open to meeting him for coffee.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:51pm

  487. 487: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, I just read
    and I pretty much did this!
    I got my nose pierced, designed a tat for myself (ran out of $$ for it, though), and started hooping and spinning poi when I feel stressed or sleepy at work even though I know it looks weird. I started drawing more, and even though I’m flat broke I’ve been designing art for my home in my mind. I know I need a different job, but I’m in therapy for old trauma now, helping re-wire my brain and am super-sensitive to confusion and get triggered easily so for now it’s okay, I don’t have much responsibility. He won’t harass me, when I said NO MORE it was done, no flirting, no touching, no chit-chat, no personal conversations. On his own he decided to ask me about work subjects only.
    So…I don’t know what will happen but I think it’s okay and I’m on the right track.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:52pm

  488. 488: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I still want to contact him and ask him why on earth I didn’t get the decency of a two way conversation or a goodbye after 9 months of being so close. I still wonder if he heard something untrue about me or something.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

  489. 489: TamNo Gravatar says:

    485 yay, Smile, sounds good!!!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:55pm

  490. 490: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    yay starla!

    he emailed me last week, but it was some boring link that i felt ‘me’ about so i didn’t respond. i feel BOOOORED of him. :-)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:55pm

  491. 491: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    i mean felt ‘meh’ about

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 2:56pm

  492. 492: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl – wow i wouldn’t feel comfortable if a man allowed that kind of ‘drama’ in my energy space

    i would look at how im feeling around him and in this situation its – uncomfortable, awful, tense, scared, angry, etc

    its not his fault – its never anyones fault – and yet i want to feel good with a man and not have the drama in his life spilling over on me when im just starting to date him

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:01pm

  493. 493: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Starla 486 maybe you could read more around closure? I would feel the same too, I would want to know why also.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:03pm

  494. 494: SmileNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks tam

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:04pm

  495. 495: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lol, my downstairs neighbor posted another ad on craigslist for me in “missed connections”

    aww men want me

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:06pm

  496. 496: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl – also, only recently have i started to get into this perspective.

    before i would be very protective of the man and of course it was not his fault or his repsonsibility type of thinking

    but more recently ive found myself just staying with myself and noticng i feel bad

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:25pm

  497. 497: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ooh i get this urgency feeling between work-home & home-work………. i intend to honor my transition period as i make this shift between World & Home : ) thank you : )

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:27pm

  498. 498: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla she saw him as “the One”. She said it was like something lifted from her eyes but she so did not want it. I think it is her interview with VFClark. VFClark also shared a similar experience. For most of us love is scary. Now I remember that quote of Marianne Williamson about Our Greatest Fear.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:28pm

  499. 499: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I think one of the biggest issues i’m struggling with when it comes to CL is that his personality does not match his looks at all. He LOOKS like a completely different kind of person.

    I hope he lets me take it slow and doesn’t pressure me to give him some sort of answer about how i feel about him.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:40pm

  500. 500: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    gosh i have some serious issues coming up here when it comes to receiving from available men

    i keep ‘tricking’ myself into believing it’s about his looks but its not. if he seemed not into me, i would probably want him.

    and i feel so hateful and judgmental towards myself for it, which gets translated into a similar attitude towards him.

    And I think it’s time to put on that soundtrack in my head: “love to me, love to me, forgiveness to me…”


    okay time for japanese class.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 3:54pm

  501. 501: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you to all of you!!!!
    I am going to get dressed and cook chicken and cous cous, then welcome 8 close friends that I feel absolutely sure of into my home (for now) and enjoy what I can of this day. They all know what’s up, but will not spill the beans.
    This will be over soon…

    Once I am out, the hard part will come when he goes in pursuit mode (as he has the last 3 times). I will not pick-up, or email back, and he won’t know where I am. I may need a support group.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:21pm

  502. 502: uliiNo Gravatar says:


    I just deleted him from my Skype, the NZ cd. I feel too angry to explain that to him now with any feeling messages by mail.
    I have been doubting if to do this before, and somehow have not, partly let him convince me, and partly, because I don’t want to lose contact and have thought I can handle this imaginary chat relationship as “only friends” too. And some days I do, but others it just gets too painful, as I obviously have expectations of some meaningful communication and when I just get one word sentences, I feel so hurt.

    Just that we had a short talk “how you’re doing?” “I’m fine”..etc And he said, he has to catch the train but he’ll be back later online to talk to me. And…I waited quite some time, but he wasn’t back. So, I just got to feel so overwhelmed and angry and bad about it all and deleted him right that moment. Like that would be the last drop in my glass of negative emotions before it started to flow over. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

    I know I will be regretting, but maybe it is for the best? He will know I have deleted him, and probably from his side everything is ok and there is a reason for how he acts. So I feel a bit bad not giving any explanation to him. But still too angry and like also…I don’t care, let him think whatever he wants.. :(
    You think I should still send him a mail letting him know I felt so bad?..well… I know you can not give me my answers… although I would like somebody to tell me what to do. I feel so clueless about this.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:36pm

  503. 503: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    I understand and respect what you are saying. As you said too, it’s not his fault. He has no control over her. I told him how I was feeling. Do you know, he is the first guy I’ve felt comfortable enough with (trust enough) to immediately say how I am feeling with no anxiety or hemming and hawing about it? I feel good and safe with him.

    Tonight is the first time I’ve heard him speak in an angry tone regarding his situation. He was always trying to be cool as a cucumber. A lot of information came out tonight about their situation which I hadn’t heard before. It just goes to show what a good man he is. She’s been throwing all these accusations around, false one’s at that, trying to keep him from his kids and he never once said a bad thing about her. He still says he really just wants her to move on and be happy.

    He didn’t like what I was saying at all, he doesn’t want to go backwards, but he said he respects my feelings and would accept any decision I came to. I told him I would feel good if he spoke with his lawyer and then we could talk. He said he would definitely do that. His lawyer said, it is okay as long as we aren’t around the kids.

    I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:46pm

  504. 504: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you ladies for all the support today :) I appreciate it.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 4:52pm

  505. 505: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh, I just want to stop feeling so angry, I just want to start feeling worried… And I can’t. It keeps playing over and over in my head.

    I love me, I love my anxious anxiety.. It’s okay..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:09pm

  506. 506: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @418 (((Starla))) Give the guy a shot. You both deserve the chance. Don’t let your fear get in the way.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:15pm

  507. 507: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow…
    He kept talking to me the whole afternoon and then said he was going to the store and if I wanted to come with him to hang a little bit but I was at the pool!!

    This is surprising.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:20pm

  508. 508: goodygurlNo Gravatar says:

    I think i messed up by giving in to soon. I read some of your tips, and my goodness I failed most of them. I tried to hard to impress him. I want him back, but it appears that he has no interest in me, than again I think I better let go and start embracing myself as you mentioned in one of your writings. I have to admit at this point my self esteem is almost at 0. This man is divorced, but it was the wife who asked for the divorce and their is a little girl involved. We have been seeing each other for a year, but it is obvious that this was all rebound. But i fall to fast to soon, but the only weird thing is he continues to call me and it is so hard because of how I feel. I just could not get him to fall in love with me! At this point I think he is back with the ex because she wanted him back. At this point I feel like a loser. However, I really look forward to reading your ebooks. (You know the interesting thing is…. i done NO pursuing, it was all him and I fell for it ….It appears he was trying to find comfort for his brokenheart and now after all these months he’s better and I am the one with a achy heart over him).

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:20pm

  509. 509: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:25pm

  510. 510: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Does he have other means of contacting you? Maybe wait and see if he asks what is going on?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:29pm

  511. 511: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG I appreciate what Daria said too and I honor you for opening up and taking action on your behalf. I have a good feeling about this guy because of what you have said. Remember also you are in the situation and is best place to make decisions.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:29pm

  512. 512: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I so resonate with your story. It seems like my own. I felt so inspired I have been walking around for the last several hours not caring how I look or what anyone thinks. My head have been thrown back not giving a flying fluke thinking I am All That. And I am going to pursue my dreams.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:36pm

  513. 513: AnnieNo Gravatar says:


    “If he has female friends, it’s perfectly okay to ask to be a part of the friendship. It ought not even be an issue though.”

    That is not my reality it does feel an issue and a deal breaker for me. So to say it ought not to be an issue for me is arguing with my reality and that does not feel good to me.
    I don’t want to argue.

    I respect that it isn’t an issue for you.

    I feel in agreement with Royi on this one.

    The choice is me or other women.
    I don’t want to share my mans attention and time with another woman.
    If he want other woman as friends then he is not the right man for me.
    The only way I would feel able to accept this would if we as a couple were sharing time with another couple not a single woman friend, that feels icky to me.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:38pm

  514. 514: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Belle – I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear – but to my ears, this sounds like an amazing, huge OPPORTUNITY for you to work through some stuff. It’s not important WHY this is happening – you’re just feeling it, it’s old, he triggers you – and just wishing it away isn’t going to work. What needs to happen for you here is for you to sink into these feelings, love them, embrace them, fall in love with the horrible feelings, and learn to tolerate them. Learn to stay open around him…this is like exercising a muscle of moving toward peace and surrender. In other words, you don’t have to DO anything, and certainly you don’t need to SAY anything – you did great, you said what you needed to – now let him do what he wants – and you work at finding peace for yourself in the office. This is Rock Star stuff (you know, where you still have to sing in the band with the guy who makes you feel like crap…). Think of it as a huge growth opportunity, and do the Tools. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:45pm

  515. 515: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    googygirl – This has nothing to do with him – it’s about why you thought this was all you deserved. Go Circular Date and learn about yourself! Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:46pm

  516. 516: FlowerChild77No Gravatar says:

    “That is not my reality it does feel an issue and a deal breaker for me. So to say it ought not to be an issue for me is arguing with my reality and that does not feel good to me.
    I don’t want to argue.”

    I don’t think she meant that it shouldn’t bother you…I think she means that it shouldn’t be an issue, meaning, if he’s really the man for you this won’t come up–he won’t want to hang out with other women and go out often (or at all) without you <3

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:48pm

  517. 517: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW, thank you! :) I really feel he’s a good man and good for me.

    I also have to be careful because all this stress isn’t good for my health, as my body spoke to me today by raising my low-grade fever and I’m feeling pretty wiped out. My dr put me on immunosuppressants, so hopefully that will help without too many side effects. I’m heading to bed 2 hours early.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 5:57pm

  518. 518: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:


    Oh RG, I like him! :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:08pm

  519. 519: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 510 ReceivingGirl

    To answer your question, yes, NZ cd has my mail address too, so he can write me if he starts wondering…
    Thank you for the hug!
    Hugs back to you!!
    I didn’t have time to catch up with the blog, but I see from your last posts that you are in need of a good rest! Hope you’ll feel better and rested tomorrow!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:10pm

  520. 520: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi LiliBee

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:23pm

  521. 521: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    I put my finger on the issue with R.

    He loves to the best of his ability, but it is limited because of the schizophrenia. For him, “relationships” are more about power and control than about love.

    I think he is trying to establish relational patterns that will keep me coming toward him. Rather than him coming toward me. He is trying to make me do all the work. He is trying to condition me to take crumbs.

    Please don’t sweat me that this is not in feeling messages. These are some raw thots that I am putting in my inner healing and relationships journal, here, that I am trying to get on top of the situation.

    So the best thing i could do to serve the relationship is to walk away, for a time.

    And I don’t have the strength. What to do with myself? Hmmm.

    But I feel more clear on it after deep thought and feeling.

    Yes, like R says, there is wisdom in the sea. I always learn more about myself when I ponder the beautiful sight of the sea.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:29pm

  522. 522: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    362 – LOL, join the club! Lots of women here are sick of hearing about R. Yes, I feel and believe strongly that he is considering me as a potential wife. I feel like a puppy who is being given harsh training her first year until she complies. And she gets crumbs.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:33pm

  523. 523: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi FW!

    I’ve been silently reading for the past 3 days…I have too much to say to post. My posts are always too long.

    Except I gotta share this one :)

    I decided to shake things up…by cutting my long long hair really really short!

    Twice in the last few weeks I got really ticked off at having to work for 1.5 hours on my hair.
    I tried 3 treatments to get them looking healthy again to no avail.
    I would get in D’s convertible and they would turn into a mangled pile of dry straw.
    Then that last saturday that I worked 1.5 hours on my hair, just to get thrown in a swimming pool…I said that’s it! I’ve had it!
    My long hair made me feel weighed down.
    They felt heavy even when I tied them up.

    Since I got them cut last Thursday, I work for 20 minutes on on them!
    It gives me a facelift and I look and feel so perky! :)

    I’ve gotten sooo many compliments! They all tell me it really suits me.

    D keeps staring at me in amazement as I’m going about my stuff and keeps repeating: “Wow, it really suits you, it looks really good.”

    I never thought I would go that far.
    When I told him, he ran right over to see eventhough it was past his bedtime!
    It feels so good to have his attention like that :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:36pm

  524. 524: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    357 – Yeah, I agree. It doesn’t look good. It’s like the good times are really good, and the bad times are really bad, and, at least until recently, the bad times far outweigh the good times.

    K compared it to being fed a lavish feast once a month, and then the rest of the month, being sustained on cheeseburgers, crackers, and water.

    And i feel off balance all the time because I believe there is a lot of manipulation and cover up. Yes, I feel addicted. I think the healthiest thing I could do right now is fall in love…with someone else.

    I think if R believed he was losing me, I would see a far different side of him. I wish to God I felt strong enough to rise up and walk away from him without being in love with someone else.

    But these days, even K is a yawn compared with the insane, maddening wine of his psychological manipulations.

    I am in love with him, and I feel held captive by my own love.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:37pm

  525. 525: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    My emotions are his compass on which to base how badly he can treat me with neglect and get away with it.

    He is living out the song, “Killing me softly with his love. Strumming my pain with his fingers.”

    It is sick, and how can I get the strength to walk away?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:40pm

  526. 526: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yayy Lilibee.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:42pm

  527. 527: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    Allthough I haven’t been posting much, I am still into learning and growing in the siren way :)

    I’m not taking my relationship and my happiness for granted.

    I’m reading Choosing Me before We by Christine Arylo.
    It’s all about keeping the focus on ME.
    I found it used for 5.99 on Amazon, and it’s in ‘new’ condition. It came in half the time they promised delivery :)

    I feel so conforted while reading this book.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:43pm

  528. 528: LoveAlwaysNo Gravatar says:

    I feel lost
    I feel insecure like tightness in the muscles in my traps
    A man is stepping up and I’m scared!
    Isn’t this what all the work and reading and sharing was about? Isn’t this why I’ve been leaning back? Waiting for Mr. Right to get on my bridge and lead me to happy ever after? He’s here and I’m scared. Marriage on the table so fast – I feel insecure like a little girl believing there are monsters under the bed trying to pull her under.

    But I feel safe with him
    I’m confused
    I have to tell CD Song and I don’t know how or what to say – I can’t sleep with him anymore.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:46pm

  529. 529: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LiliBee this is the next book on my list.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:48pm

  530. 530: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:

    Sunday night was so perfect :)

    D and I were just sitting on his front porch on his cushy chairs one next to the other.
    While he was browsing the internet on his laptop, I was reading my Christine Arylo book.
    I felt so peaceful and content.

    Allthough we weren’t touching, he would gaze at me and I would feel his vibes.
    His vibes tell me that he is comfortable and happy to have me around or next to him.
    He wants me with him all the time, even when going on short jobs.
    He even wants me at his house waiting for him while he’s not there (he gave me a key a while ago).

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:52pm

  531. 531: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:


    Yey FW ! It’s an easy flowy read. I’m really enjoying it :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:53pm

  532. 532: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Starla,

    Give him a chance!!!!

    Mr A totally made me squirmy at first. He seemed like he was trying waaaaaay too hard. He seemed too agreeable, too nice, too into me.

    He wasn’t really my physical ‘type’ either. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute. But not the kind of guy I usually swooned over.

    FW’s thermostat analogy really seemed to help. I realized that I was super afraid of intimacy. Afraid of letting anyone too close to my heart. I didn’t want it broken again.

    I “let” him kiss me (thanks for the push Daria) and gave him a chance, kept him in my rotation. It took a while….

    Then suddenly, I started noticing things about him that I didn’t before. I loved how his eyes sparkled and how unusual their color was. I noticed his really sweet smile. especially when he looked at me.

    Now, I’m soooo happy that I didn’t let him go.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:55pm

  533. 533: LiliBeeNo Gravatar says:


    That’s good news LA ! :)

    Sink into those feelings to get to know them really well so they no longer overwhelm you.
    Sink into them by getting curious about them, you will find out what they are all about.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:57pm

  534. 534: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I totally wanted to scrap him from my rotation… I was like… “I don’t want to lead him on…” But my best friend said that if I’m still feeling on the fence, to give him a couple more dates to see if things change. Wise advice.

    It’s funny… because now, he is so much more funny and quirky and really quite brilliant and I thought he was a bit of a bore at first. I think I just made hime so f*ing nervous!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 6:59pm

  535. 535: MelNo Gravatar says:

    So sorry I haven’t had too much time to post lately… I do check in when I can, but have been fairly busy getting my household in order.

    Love you all!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:01pm

  536. 536: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yayy LoveAlways.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:05pm

  537. 537: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel I always love to read your comments You are such an inspiration.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:09pm

  538. 538: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Esteemed, 521- what does “thots” mean?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:27pm

  539. 539: MelNo Gravatar says:

    LOL… the other night we were cooking and he asked about my preference on something and I replied “Either would be good… I’m easy.” And he replied: “No you’re not easy! You made me chase and chase and chase and now I’m not going to let you go!”

    And OMG! The other day we were at this lebanese sandwich shop and when I gave my order, the three men at the counter were “fighting” over the pita bread, because they all wanted to make my sandwich. And I was all cute and sireny, and Mr A looked so amused and smiled all pink-like and put his arm around my waist. On the way home he was beaming and said “Did you SEE those men fighting over you?!” LOL

    Then today, I went shopping and he said playfully “how many guys were checking you out at the supermarket today?” I grinned and said “I dunno.” He said “I bet ALL of them!”

    So I wonder if men LIKE when other men pay us attention. I feel curious about that a little. They’re all proud like “Yup, that’s MY woman!” I’m so going to remember that the next time I feel the slightest bit jealous.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:31pm

  540. 540: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW. :) Ditto.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:33pm

  541. 541: MelNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks for the bee post a while back. That was great! :)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:36pm

  542. 542: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yea Mel. You are the trophy.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 7:57pm

  543. 543: jenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi there Rori, thank you so much for all of the information you are freely giving away. I have been reading these articles for awhile now and I just have a sticky situation I am hoping you could help me with. First of all I am 19 and I have been dating this guy who is 21 for 2 years now. We haven’t had any serious commitments and we’ve stopped dating on and off because I wanted a more committed relationship and he didn’t. In the beginning until just recently, I have been so attached to this guy. I had recently broken up with him to figure out what I wanted while learning to love myself immensely and using your tools! As always, he tried to come back into my life and we went on a date last weekend. I had so much fun while leaning back, and I really felt adored. He is so affectionate and would go to far lengths to make me happy. He would act like he’d be so in love with me. During the date he told me that he just couldn’t shake me and is so attached to me. Although he felt frustrated because seeing from the past, I had been “too complicated” to him. Which was true. And I understand that. I didn’t know how to express my feelings maturely, but I feel like I am slowly learning. This was because I would want more from the relationship and I didn’t know how commitment worked with men. How can I inspire him to commit? Or maybe I am just too young for all this relationship stuff right now, what do you think? I really want things to work with him because we have such an indescribable connection that is so deep and emotional. Why aren’t things working between us?
    Id really appreciate your help!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:18pm

  544. 544: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I did not get to celebrate his bday with him because his ex made him a bday gift. She came to his building while he was with the child with a restraining order and took the boy. He can’t see him anymore.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:24pm

  545. 545: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    We were on the phone for an hour or so. She filed for sole custody and supervised visitation.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:26pm

  546. 546: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Mel! feels so good :) to read

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:26pm

  547. 547: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    I would not try to ‘understand’ a mean b-tch, sorry. Everyone has their troubles, including you. I don’t see you attack anyone, no matter of what. I can’t even imagine it. If someone is a mean b-tch, they should own it 😉

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:29pm

  548. 548: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling so excited about my future home and about babies suckling

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:32pm

  549. 549: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m back from my date and more on that later…

    I am noticing I don’t want to take care of myself now. I don’t want to brush my teeth; I don’t want to wash my face…

    It’s like when I have a guy in my life, my desire to care for myself just vanishes.

    it almost feels like i don’t want to do those things if i don’t ‘need’ to, because I have gotten my ‘care’ from other sources.

    and i am going to get up and wash my face and brush my teeth.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:33pm

  550. 550: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    also noticing that he hasn’t texted me like last time right away to tell me he had such a nice time or whatever, so i am feeling like leaning forward to tell him i had a nice time. lolololol psychology.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:38pm

  551. 551: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I trust you’re not texting him:)

    I am not sure what to do in my situation. To leave him alone is for sure, but now I can’t even state my needs..

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:42pm

  552. 552: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    For some reason she is not filing for divorve

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:45pm

  553. 553: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    No, I’m not texting him.

    Fun FACT about Starla: She feels like leaning forward/overfunctioning for reassurance at the slightest (irrational) sign of withdrawl, but feels turned off when all the reassurance is perfect in place.

    It’s good to observe this about myself.

    Mel, thank you for your comment to me!

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:45pm

  554. 554: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Starla 2nd date in 3 days! Sounds good 😉

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:46pm

  555. 555: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Im a mean bit(ch. I’ve felt like killing bi(ches over a guy before, not just yelling. If my kids were involved…i might sometimes freak out and beat up the lady sleeping in his bed omg

    i can only imagine how crazy i could go before I had the tools to take care of myself and handle my emotions

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:46pm

  556. 556: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    apparently this blog is full of mean bit9ches, except for those ladies dating men divorcing from mean bit9ches

    also, ive been hanging out with bisexaul friend and am wondering, does that mean im bisexua = mirrori?

    or else why would i wind up hanging out w her and getting hit on?

    what did this show up to heal?

    am i powerful woman whos relly also bisexual and i haent really owned it or my power and also

    that is ok and still i can choose my sexual experiences to feel comfortable to ME

    and thats whats really about aha!

    and also fighting guys off who are more ready to grab ass and boobs than to kiss


    sexual boundaries

    sorry about the sarcasm apparently i feel triggered and defensive

    and also annoyed

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:50pm

  557. 557: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Haha Daria the kid never saw me sleeping.. in anyone’s bed. And in any case how I am a threat or a bad influence to the kid? It’s not about me, it’s about him

    I am not a mean b-tch and I never will be. Not the right personality and much sympathy for people.

    When I got separated and my husband took the kid to spend a day with his new girl and her son, I asked some questions about their personalities and the safety of the situation and was never against it. I thought she was a good person. I think he married her later, but don’t know for sure.

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:52pm

  558. 558: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Theeeeeere’s his text
    “Man I had fun with you tonight! Your company is a real pleasure Starla. Thanks so much. I hope you enjoyed yourself and sleep well.”

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:53pm

  559. 559: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    angry! under annoyed


    i dont want a man who has another woman’s stuff spilling into ME and his relationship


    i want that handled completely on YOUR SIDE










    or her voice on the phone

    all that must stay away from me if im to be woowed

    im high status, i dont want any woman energetci aura in MYU SPACE

    men must come in here real ready to worship THIS goddess and protect and honor my SPACE

    i dont want to hear about your babymama

    ex wife etc

    and actually this guy here was talking about his ex wife

    but hes about to stop as soon as i tell him i dont want to hear it

    or else there will be no more time with me





    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:53pm

  560. 560: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, it’s ok, I don’t feel triggered:) Plus i don’t think you’re really sorry

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:55pm

  561. 561: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Daria it’s ok to tell him to stop if he’s a 1-2 time date. If he is more than that and you care and he gets a restraining order and can’t see the kid, you still care

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 8:59pm

  562. 562: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Ahh Starla patience always wins:)

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:00pm

  563. 563: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I can literally watch my attraction for this guy go up and down with how much he pays attention to me.

    i am ridiculous.

    aww I judge myself

    i have the resources and the self awareness to shift this

    and this man is a blessing for me to figure things out


    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:08pm

  564. 564: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    feel so tired
    love u ladies

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:17pm

  565. 565: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im doing EFT and feeling so good

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 9:21pm

  566. 566: BrandylionNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I’ve been pondering something I read on the last thread for a couple of days.

    Someone wrote something like, “You can love another only as much as you love yourself.”

    Does that mean it’s actually a good thing, and good reflection of me and my love for myself, that I loved PriestCD as much as I did? Even though I loved a man who didn’t love me?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 10:45pm

  567. 567: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Should I stay (open) or should I go and run.
    That is the question for today.
    I could respond and stay open and honest. Or I could just run. It seems a lot of hard work to stay open and respond.
    Right now I don’t want to work. My energy is precious…

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:07pm

  568. 568: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Tam what do you want to do?

    Tuesday, 17 July 2012 @ 11:36pm

  569. 569: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brandylion – thats an interesting take… i take it as my passion is strong and yes it can be for me… yeah

    and also it will be Received and by the other as much as it is for me

    cuz otherwise im not loving “them” im loving my desperation for them or something like that

    something like that

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:00am

  570. 570: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I was up half the night reading fifty shades of grey.its a bit rubbish, but once i open a book, I have to finish

    @esteeemed.Dont you think you deserve MORE than just the occasional banquet.Even if you were to become R’s wife-would not the same inconistent treatment happen>You said it yourself, maybe he *cant* be in a real relationship.
    I feel bad for saying that.I see how much you love him

    Belle, sounds perfect what you are doing
    Starla-I guess with dating other people like this you are finding out how you work as much as anything else

    RG-I do hope things resolve themselves
    And i hope you had a great birthday Miss bells(as much as you could under the circs)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:19am

  571. 571: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, exactly.
    Is it worth expending this amount of energy when you have so much else to sort out
    Only you know

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:27am

  572. 572: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    And good for you Daria

    I am learning lots from seeing you ladies actually *doing* the tools.And also from some of the struggles
    I guess we learn more from the difficult lessons in a way, once we come through
    I feel empowered

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:33am

  573. 573: ViNo Gravatar says:

    My friend got into a car accident and in recovery and wonders could the accident be a punishment for she feelings for a married guy .. I sent her healing vibes and my love and wrote about forgiveness of ourselves… she said thank you that’s what i needed .. BUT – i feel doubtful : ) how would anyone be thankful and listen to me ..? ! I love my doubts I love my negative voices I love me smiling I love all my parts .. I love me not believing in me .. i loму me making fun of me when i have doubts .. : ) love you with all my heart .. I love my authentisity… and my story .. I feel doubtful I love my story .. it’s okay to feel doubtful , I love you and your doubts .. but i am not feeling “chemistry” with myself .. or passion .. ?? …sigh .. it’s okay .. I love your lack of passion for yourself Vi.. baby steps sweetheart… : ) just choose to believe in love and thank yous .. and from yourself as well .. okay .. I will. Love you.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:48am

  574. 574: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so excited to have amazing therapies available this easy neck healing as an instant feel better

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:55am

  575. 575: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – oops i feel angry not being believedd… that was regarding RG’s situation i see in urs indeed you have been dating longer so i get the connection… unfortunately it seems like it is still depriving you ouch of full connection

    i feel better without assumptions on me – like “i don’t believe you’re sorry” that feels … well i just feel totally disempowered and not honored to not be believed… i don’t have to lie…

    i feel all swept away and im sorry for blaming you in any way here

    thanks for helping me practice

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:08am

  576. 576: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    this guy didn’t believe me that i paid 100$ to recover his ‘special’ phone :(

    it felt awful

    im still feeling crushed

    no one’s fault

    ouch pain

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:10am

  577. 577: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Curvy Siren,

    538 = “Esteemed, 521- what does “thots” mean?”


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:12am

  578. 578: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    I so relate to your situation. It scares me to read because I’ve been there, and possibly am at the moment… I feel scared for myself and my future, I don’t want to continue to feel like this… I want to learn to embrace my fear… My neck feels tight.. My neck feels stiff like its holding my head up. I feel tense, I feel tense in my lower back, I want to talk and think and soothe myself and be alone with my thoughts.. I need to breathe… I need to relax, take a breath..

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:37am

  579. 579: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks, I can’t sleep cuz I feel addicted like wanting to text like reaching for a bad drug again.

    Back to bed and going to try to sleep. No don’t text.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:53am

  580. 580: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im loving the dorn method revival in daria land

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:55am

  581. 581: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, not sure. Want to experiment and he is an easy target, want to bombard him with feelings and see if he gets scared. Want to tell him. And let it go!!

    Ruth thanks – agreed

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:57am

  582. 582: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling much better today….at last.
    I decided to carry on with my experiment of trying to make myself happy and developing self-esteem from within rather than without (incl men).
    I had a good day of flirting with the instructor of my seminar..he likes me and I can feel it, he is always hovering over me and we have some nice sparring matches going on between each other…kind of tension. CD dating in small steps.

    My friend (at MrU’s house), the one I tried to call back never answered or called me back so I suppose that was that.

    I also decided that yes, I will keep the experiment going for another two weeks….and trying to open up and share myself with MrU. The thing is, I am not afraid of losing anything, because I don’t have him and he is becoming less attractive to me as time goes by….so he wants to be a friend, ok, I will treat him as a friend and not a lover, and it is even easier to open up to a friend. I will tell him what made me feel bad, what made me feel good – and when he has outlived his usefulnes for my experiment, I am vowing to myself to stop contact and really stick with the ‘no friends’ thing until I feel safe that yes, I have zero feelings for him and friends is cool.

    That is my plan. And I am going to take my sweet time answering any correspondence because I am actually very busy right now….he is not my top priority anymore.

    Have a lovely day ladies..

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:32am

  583. 583: TamNo Gravatar says:

    …by ‘without’ I meant not to get self esteem from outside sources so much…

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:33am

  584. 584: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    What a difference focusing on me and 7 weeks out from my toxic relationhip makes! I am unstuck and completely detached from all that. I feels so good!

    I went out on a awesome CD last night. He is a manly man. Totally different than anyone I have ever considered or had in my rotation before. He certainly kept my interest all night. He leaned forward, I leaned back and received, while inviting his attention. I practiced just “being in the moment” not worrying about if he liked me, or would call me again. IT was liberating! I stayed on my bridge. I felt open and almost embarassed by the number compliments I graciously accepted. I have not been called smokin hot ever!… I did something very different and bridge worthy of myself during the date. I actually spoke of my preferences in a man. It seemed to flow right in the conversation we were having at the moment. I felt heard. He wanted to leave the chocolate shop we had met at but did not want end the evening. “I suggested we go to a local cigar bar next door” We smoked a cigar and I had a beer. Just up my ally and apparently his too! He actually said he had never had a woman to smoke a cigar with and was more than excited that I suggested it. haha who knew! Who says a well put together, classy sexy woman cant smoke a cigar! I am truely uncommon.

    It was a great experience in many ways for me. I felt beautiful. Like a flower who’s nector was desired by this manly bee!


    I have not seen Goldenflower here in a while. I would love to talk to you, please post again I would like to exchange email if you are willing.

    Starla I am glad you went on your date. Stay on that bridge I hope it feels great to experience this new CD after all the time you have invested in yourself.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:14am

  585. 585: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Annie – There seems to have been a misunderstanding here. I did not mean there should not be an issue around this for you. I meant that your man would not go there if he’s the man for you. This wouldn’t be something you would be worrying about.

    To exclude you would be disrespectful. IF he has a female friend he would be reluctant to let go of, he would do everything in his power to make you feel safe and secure.

    I realize there are men out there who do have platonic female friends though I don’t know of any.

    And if this is truly a deal breaker no matter what, then this is totally okay.

    I feel curious why you would imagine there would be an argument around this.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:26am

  586. 586: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Floweerchild – #516 – Yes exactly. :)

    How are you feeling sweetheart? I’ve thinking about you a lot.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:29am

  587. 587: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m grateful for the abundant food there is for me to eat
    i’m grateful for the amazing tastes
    i’m grateful for the bed i sleep on
    i’m grateful for the apartment i live in
    i’m grateful for my safety here
    i’m grateful for the sunshine outside
    i’m grateful for my strong muscles

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:42am

  588. 588: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, universe, I am grateful
    I will demonstrate that by not diving back under these covers
    By not resisting today
    By saying “HOORAY” and “thank you” as soon as my feet his the ground again.
    Okay, let’s go:)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:45am

  589. 589: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, loving your story..thanks for sharing! Makes me even more resolved to stay on my bridge and be honest and speak up for myself (without being aggressive of course).
    Super duper :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:55am

  590. 590: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @518 & 519

    Thank you Lilibee and Ulii!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:01am

  591. 591: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @527 Lilibee

    I loved your hair story! I constantly go back & forth with my hair & it does make a difference.

    I will keep this book in mind for my future reading. Thanks for sharing! :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:06am

  592. 592: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique, I do have some male platonic friends but it alwys seems to be a very loose connection, like not an intense friendship…and it always started off with them being interested in me in romantic ways but me not being interested in them in romantic ways.
    I have about three like that, but when they got married, the contact went right down to a very sporadic email now and then or maybe a meeting for drinks (not normally one on one).
    I also would not be enthralled to have a partner who has a good female friend, that he confides in. I found the men that really loved me would either cut cords (all on their own) or didn’t have those kind of connections in the first place.
    The last guy I loosely dates as a CD, who told me he was staying with a ‘good female friend’ then poofed after staying with her, so I can only suspect that men who stay close friends with women often (not always) just fancy them! 😉

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:06am

  593. 593: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you for getting back to me and for apologizing. I did not mean to hurt you and I know you are trying to help and heal yourself as well. It is really hard to give an advice sometimes and we are all looking for a good situation, but everyone defines it differently for herself. Also we have a different level of tolerance towards bad things. I don’t know if I can handle my situation yet, but know for sure that I couldn’t stand alcohol/drug usage for e.g. I may be right or wrong, but this is who I am. Though may not necessarily express it on the blog while someone else is hurting over it.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:37am

  594. 594: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:


    I have several platonic male friends, but only one (J) that I am not willing to let go of. That one is like a brother and spiritual guide to me and is the man who taught me to trust men again after my divorce.

    This friend is married and his wife is also a dear friend. I think the openness of our friendship helps her to feel safe. In the past, J and I would have lunch together on a regular basis to discuss work, art, writing and sprituality…we’ve even travelled separately to the same convention and stayed at the same hotel (separate rooms, obviously). But his wife would always know about it, he would tell her everything we talked about and, many times, she would be invited along…and I was a frequent visitor to their home for game night, movies and holiday celebrations.

    They have since moved across country, but we often email and Skype. The important thing is that he share his email and FB account with his wife. She can see every communication that we share and be assured that we are only friends. There is no sexual tension or temptation…just a heart connection.

    This week, J’s wife is visiting from out of state and we went to dinner last week and she’ll be coming over this weekend for a girl’s day. I adore her and she is such a blessing in my life.

    I really believe that if there is to be a platonic relationship that openness is the key. If the partner is not invited into the friendship or the friendship is kept a secret…there is a problem. If J’s wife were ever to have negative feelings about our friendship, I have no doubt that he would walk away and I would be proud of him for honoring his wife.

    I think that’s the way it should be.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:37am

  595. 595: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I am thinking if I can lean fwd and text him like tonight asking what’s happening and say that I couldn’t sleep last night and feeling devastated for him.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:39am

  596. 596: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    6. Stay Present in Your Body

    When you live in your head rather than in your body, you are thinking rather than experiencing. You are missing the moment, which is where joy is. Staying in your head, thinking about the past or future, is a form of control that most of us learned as we were growing up to protect against pain. But pain and joy live in the same place in the heart, so when we avoid the pain of life, we also avoid the joy of life. Rather than avoiding pain through staying in your head and through various addictions, why not learn how to manage the pain of life through developing your spiritual connection? Then you can stay present in your body, experiencing the beauty, joy and wonder of the present moment.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:41am

  597. 597: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    I am an oxytocin-laden mess. I missed an appointment with my supervisor yesterday. I can barely sleep. I just want to melt into K’s arms and stay there all day…and I kind of did that all day yesterday.

    I have never experienced this level of attention and care before and it feels amazing. I feel so safe and seen and protected with him. He is so strong and confident and he thinks I am spectacular.

    I’m struggling with feelings of unworthiness and some fear of intimacy, but yesterday I was able to let that go and just BE with him…talking, laughing, sleeping in his arms, and doing some serious cuddling.

    I want to heal the NVs so I can be 100% present with K and in my life when I am away from him. I gave them up for one day…I can give them up forever.

    Yay! I would appreciate it if the love sick brain fog would resolve itself soon so that I can get my business on track after getting back from vacation…other than that, I’m loving this whole journey.

    I haven’t been able to keep up with the blog as much as I’d wish…please know that you are all in my heart and I think of you often and wish you love and peace!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:47am

  598. 598: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Featured Topic: How To Get Him To Want To Know How You Feel

    For so long, women have asked this simple, but elusive question, “Why does he shut down when I start to talk about how I feel and what I want?” What seems so perplexing is that they can remember a time (usually early in their dating relationship) when they felt they could say
    anything to him without hesitation. In addition, they can also remember that he actually seemed to enjoy these discussions that were often full of emotions. So they are left to ask themselves, “Why did he change?” or even worse…”What did I do wrong?”

    Let me explain what’s happening to him during this process. Men have the capacity to feel emotions for shorter periods of time than women. Put another way, when men feel, they feel intensely, and then they crash. This applies to sex, when they feel romantic and anything else in their life that arouses their passions. Even though I hear women tell me that they understand this point, I have found it is still hard for them to accept when this scenario happens in their relationships.

    When a man is very attentive and hyper focused on what you are saying, I want you to remember this…it isn’t going to last. Even though it feels wonderful to be adored in such a captivating manner that is often intoxicating, you must remind yourself not to expect it to last indefinitely. The good news is that if you know how to respond when he does pull away, you will hasten his emotional awakening to you.

    The process looks like this:

    A man feels intensely about you. Then he cools off (he needs to take an emotional break). Then he warms up again and feels intensely. Then he cools off. Continue and repeat.

    Here are the things you shouldn’t do. In fact, if you take the following actions, he’ll stay emotionally distant for much longer:

    Don’t ask him to explain his feelings. Don’t tell him how much it hurts you when he doesn’t talk. Don’t beg him to ……..(Really, don’t ever beg him for anything. You’ll end up driving him away). Instead you should do the following. When he is quiet, sit with him. Don’t say anything. When you do this, both of you will find that it becomes just a bit tense – uncomfortable. You want this to happen. Silence is uncomfortable. If you can practice allowing there to be silence between both of you, you will notice him beginning to ask you questions.

    “What’s wrong,” he’ll say. You should not respond, just smile. At that moment he is curious and now you’ll have him thinking and wondering. Because most women would never consider such a tactic, you stand out in his eyes.

    Shortly, he’ll not only start talking, but he’ll find himself focused on you.

    Bob Grant

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:54am

  599. 599: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Pamelala…just ENJOY :)
    Happy for you!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:57am

  600. 600: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @544 Memulo

    I feel for SmartCD…it sounds just like what Mr. Observant is going through.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:20am

  601. 601: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @546 Memulo

    Thank you. :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:22am

  602. 602: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    mmmm i’m feeling yummy deep in my desires… moving in my tummy… brain fuzz & excitement… yippee mixed with straight terror & an urge to push away the bad parts & give them to someone else – hug myself & the “bad” parts…. i’m afraid of things & that’s just the excitement of how big it is…… the whole Big-ness yum. want to make a wish list & feeling juicy about it… : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:23am

  603. 603: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    I meant to respond to your post yesterday, but my computer acted up and then I forgot after the doctor. My apologies :) I thank you for your post and I appreciate your point of view and experience.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:24am

  604. 604: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Dominique says:

    Annie – There seems to have been a misunderstanding here. I did not mean there should not be an issue around this for you. I meant that your man would not go there if he’s the man for you. This wouldn’t be something you would be worrying about. ”

    Aw I see now.
    I did misunderstand, When I read “If he has female friends, it’s perfectly okay to ask to be a part of the friendship. It ought not even be an issue though.”

    I interpreted that as it ought not to be an issue for me.

    And I feel in agreement with you that the right man for me just wouldn’t even want to do this in the first place.
    And my heart and soul hurts because I have not spent most of my life with the right man for me.
    And I feel helpless and unable to get out of this situation quickly.
    It feels awful.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:28am

  605. 605: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    i feel a bit nervous reading about not eating dinner or not sleeping (((((memulo))))) it feels so …. ghost-ing… like i become “not-myself” when i feel my body “held back” from fulfilling its desires…. (((body)))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:29am

  606. 606: PamelalaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, exactly, me too! I love your words.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:30am

  607. 607: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG hope you are feeling healthy today.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:31am

  608. 608: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @548 Starla

    I have noticed those same patterns in myself. When I have a guy in my life, I literally have to force myself to take care of myself. Hmmm

    I enjoy it when there is no man and I hate it when there is. You would think it would be the opposite.

    I guess it doesn’t help when first thing in the morning Mr. Observant tells me I’m beautiful at all times of the day and my hair looks nice. LOL – my hair is not combed and all over the place from sleeping. He’s sweet.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:33am

  609. 609: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving girl.

    Roris words echo in my ears if he is complaining in any way he has issues still that he has not healed from he is incomplete.
    And we don’t want a man who still has issues and is incomplete.

    We want to feel whole and healed and attract and be attracted to a man who is whole and healed.

    Any man who comes into my life I want to listen very carefully to now. Especially to any complaints they say about ex’s or other woman. As this is what I feel sure they are stuck on.

    I would want to imagine what it is that has happened to her that got the reaction that he is complaining about.

    I would then want to imagine myself in her shoes, not his.
    And then ask myself would I want a man like that?
    And saying those things about me.
    Treating me that way.

    I now believe that men who complain call women bitches crazy nags , whatever, are little boys and want us to and portrays themselves as Mr nice guy,
    the tortured hero who wants nothing
    but the best for everyone.

    I’m not buying it!

    Think as much as you can about HER life
    and what she’s gone through that made
    her the person she is. Put yourself
    in her shoes. Don’t buy into any lame
    complaints he makes about her, either.

    The more you think about HER, the less
    you will want him – and the more you will
    realize that he’s jerking her around too!

    This man – like most men in this kind of
    situation – wants to think of himself as
    Mr. Nice Guy – and portrays himself as
    the tortured hero who wants “nothing
    but the best” for all of you!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:45am

  610. 610: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you bloom-ing:) I don’t suffer from not eating much, I am used to it. But this morning my weight went to 118!! Big accomplishment and I didn’t do much for it.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:45am

  611. 611: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Do you feel that Mr. Observant is still not going into war on her?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:46am

  612. 612: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Ruth!

    (((Daria))) I understand you feel differently regarding my situation than I do. I understand you don’t want that for yourself. I do appreciate hearing your thoughts & point of view on it and they are not triggering to me in any way. They can be helpful. Thank you.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:54am

  613. 613: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ~*~ Wish List ~*~
    yayyyy i can have what i want : )

    hoorah for juicy desire & imagining & dreaming : )

    i want… a big room with wood, green-y colors, yellow streaming in the wind. desk in the corner. closet full of paper & journals. big pile of pillows against the far wall & i can look out the windows into the arms of big trees… feels like being cradled in a nest above the world… feels safe, like i am “recognized” & my work is valued. i never feel the urge to “defend myself”… i’m surrounded by community & there is a garden where all the children help & learn to trust the earth & love the animals… mmmmm yum that’s a big one : )

    want…. easy-breezy communication with my family…. they feel happy & i feel not-judged…… i feel like i am free & not-wrong…. : ))

    want…. my car all easy & the butterfly-feeling : ) i want a place to ride my bike & i want….. to walk & run : )

    want my body long & smooth & …. feeling cute in my clothes : )) yum : ) feeling all fun & fancy-free too & wearing what i like & not feeling “like a frxak” – feeling Cool : ))

    want…….. my man feeling like a King : ))) & me feeling like a Queen – duhhhh : ) want the easy flow of words & help & love & want the knowing-without-speaking & want the really good closeness & all at the same time joy & “about it” & keeping deep in it…. : ) yum

    want friends – want a girl to write with me while we drink coffee & sit cross-legged so i feel like a girl again……. want to feel not-competitive (there is Enough for everyone) & want to feel really Risky in my heart – like i’m not trying to “reign it in” …..

    want rain & want clean water. want good food & dark soil & happy animals interacting peacefully

    want laughter, dancing, music

    ((little girl)) yay : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:59am

  614. 614: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @581 Tam

    You always sound so together! I love that. Have a good day too!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:01am

  615. 615: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    So is it ok for me to lean fwd, ask what’s happening and say I am feeling terrible for him?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:02am

  616. 616: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ruth, i know the feeling of “can’t put it down because i started it & it’s just a few hours away from being over” lol…. (((books))) yum : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:02am

  617. 617: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I dont know how to deal with this. I feel really insecure right after i have sex with a CD i REALLY like. NVs tell me he doesnt really like me and that now that he’s got what he wanted he won’t be there for me like he was before.

    Not only are NVs saying but also my “friends”.

    I feel so distraught because this CD really is paying less attention to me now that we have had sex.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:03am

  618. 618: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Did it happen only once? What do you mean by ‘less attention’?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:05am

  619. 619: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @583 Linda

    I feel so happy you are feeling better about things. Your date sounds lovely! :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:05am

  620. 620: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, i think it’s always fine to lean forward.

    you “lose” 2 things, though.

    1) you “lose” the opportunity to see what he does when he’s just doing what he wants to do.

    so, you “lose” the gift of when he randomly sends you a long email expressing how much he appreciates your support…

    or, you “lose” the opportunity of seeing that, left to his own devices, he never contacts you

    2) you “lose” the focus on your own life.

    by “asking him” something about his life… by telling him you “feel for him” about something…. you are placing your emotions Out of your life & Into someone else’s business…

    what do you think?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:06am

  621. 621: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    We have had sex once, less than a week ago.
    Before that happened he used to send all the good morning texts. The days leading up to my night with him he called every day on his lunch break. Now, its been 5 days and he hasn’t called. He texted but when i respond he either doesnt respond back or responds an hour later.
    He was even supposed to go out with me and my friends the night after we slept together and I didnt hear from him until we had already gone out.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:08am

  622. 622: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    linda, your date sounds wonderful : ))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:09am

  623. 623: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Do you feel like stop responding to texts completely? And respond only to a phone call expressing how you feel about the lack of contact?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:11am

  624. 624: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    I see what you’re saying. Just it feels so cold not to say anything when someone loses the most precious thing he has..

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:13am

  625. 625: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, I had actually felt like not responding to any of his text messages.

    Thats what I was doing yesterday. He saw my tweet saying that I felt so sad so before bed he sent me a text message:
    Good night beautiful. I hope your tomorrow is better than your today was.

    So I sent a smiley face.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:14am

  626. 626: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon nowadays I take those experiences of an indication from the man of the type of relationship he wants with me.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:15am

  627. 627: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    emoticon… i have a “flip” for you : ))) you can TOTALLY throw it away, but i quite like it : )

    instead of “he got what he wanted & now he’s moved along” ….. maybe it feels good to believe, ” AWW how cute !!! that poor man ran around chasing me & being 100% his sweetest trying to get close to me…. & as soon as we were really Intimate…physically…. the poor boy Freaked Out ! like…. how scary, right ? to accidentally let a True Goddess into your life ? like…. those women are Monumentally Huge & Powerful…. omg you have to be a Real Man to “hang like that”….. omg he must feel so nervous & freaked out……….”

    like… if he had to work that hard for you to “get you” for one night…….. OMGGGG imagine how hard he’ll have to work to get you for life … he is probably strategizing & thinking & doing Man Work to figure out if he can handle you : )))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:18am

  628. 628: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I sense that. I have experienced this before. I don’t know how to fight it. But I REALLY DON”T want that type of relationship. :'(

    It makes me feel used.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:19am

  629. 629: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    &, yeah, like femininewoman says, he is showing you what he “can give” right now – is it what you want ? then move away from it : ) & toward what you really want : )))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:20am

  630. 630: Shar lean way backNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing love you wish list

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:20am

  631. 631: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing I LOVE THAT.
    I really feel that way sometimes. Thank you for saying that.

    Its really only when my friends started saying things like “he already got what he wanted why would he come around” i started feeling used.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:21am

  632. 632: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Today I have just been battling between sending his messages to spam or letting them come to my phone.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:25am

  633. 633: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @591 Tam/Dominique

    I also have many guy friends, but not necessarily close. What I mean by that is I would have no problem confiding in them and some of them the same with me, but there are no romantic feelings (at least not that I’m aware of). I actually have more guys friends than girl friends.

    I don’t see them all that often, at group parties maybe 5 times a year, but if I need something (being I’m a single gal living alone) they will come right over and help me.

    Most of them are also happily married with kids, a few single ones, but this group of friends are really tight knit and I feel we all feel very comfortable around each other. Everyone seems to know everything about everyone else.

    Most of their wives don’t have any feelings of jealousy for me. One wife was upset that her husband walked me home from a party at 2 am. He was just being a gentleman and concerned for my safety, but she felt threatened by it.

    The other wives and their husbands thought she was being ridiculous because they all know who I am as a person and she had no need to worry. I, on the other hand, could understand her reaction. They don’t have the greatest marriage, are not the nicest to each other and her husband does enjoy flirting with me to get her goat. I’ve called him out on it multiple times. He creates insecurity for her.

    And, maybe people wonder if that is really true since I am dating a man going through a divorce. However, I agreed to a date with Mr. Observant because his marriage had been over a long time ago. There was no hope for reconciliation.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:35am

  634. 634: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    This seems to be a pattern for me and I cant figure out why

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:36am

  635. 635: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    i hear you…

    one time, something really horrible happened to my boyfriend. at the time, we’d been dating just 6 months maybe – best friends for a year before that…..

    i went over to see him, but he was not “fine” at all. mind you, this was seriously my Best Friend & we were all intimate & super-chill.

    i left, & sent him an email saying i loved him & then i just minded my own business.

    this was a person i hadn’t gone a single day without hearing from him….. he disappeared for 4 days. it felt like FOREVER!

    but he NEEDED & wanted space. he had no way to express what was going on for him, he just had to get through it.


    i’m imagining it being the difference between…..

    you are a blanket & he is a human

    if you throw yourself on top of him… while he is in the Heat Of The Moment…… it feels like smothering

    if he comes to seek you…. after the fire has been put out… & the sun has gone down….. it feels like the most incredible comfort in the world : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:40am

  636. 636: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Apologies the end of my last post was a copy and paste from Mimi Tanner but only part came out.

    Hey Beautiful,

    Here is an email from a woman whose story
    I’m calling: “Tell Him Juliet Has Left the

    This story was shared with me about 2 years ago…

    I hope I can find out what happened. Here goes:

    (Details have been changed for privacy.)

    Hi Mimi,

    First I have to say, your work is fantastic,
    and I always look forward to your emails.

    I’ll try to keep this short…

    I work in the medical field, and I have been
    dating a highly regarded professional in the
    same field for 3 years.

    We are so in love with each other. We are that
    couple that has to sit beside each other in
    a restaurant, whose breakfast bowls have to
    be touching… who everyone comments on us
    wherever we go. We are so touchy-feely,
    we laugh, we have so much fun… we play!
    We twirl in the grocery store! Our passion
    is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Sounds
    too good to be true!

    It is…

    He ended a marriage of 20 years, moved into his
    own place and has been with me ever since. I
    believe he loves me, I can see it. we can sit
    for hours staring into each other’s eyes….

    His problem is, he misses living with his children.
    He sees them daily, but he says he misses the
    little things of living with them. His work is
    very demanding, and feels guilty he is not living
    with his children. I get that.

    He is spending more and more time at his ex-wife’s
    house to be with his kids. I even understand that…
    But he has asked for “space” to figure out what to
    do with his life. He often says, “Maybe I can be
    home again….if I could just learn to fall in
    love with my ex.”

    He says they have a 20-plus-year history, and he
    loves her, but not that way. He says maybe if he
    spends more time there he might be able to feel
    something other than friendship for her.

    I know he is not intimate with her, but he IS
    experimenting by kissing her goodnight to see
    if he can develop feelings… and somehow learn
    to live without me…

    However, we never last more than 3 days apart.
    It’s so strong, I logically cannot explain it.
    I know I should let him go, figure himself out…
    but I feel like I can hardly breathe without
    him. And he gets the same for me. I’m not sure
    if someone can *learn* to fall in love, if that
    spark is not there.

    Although they were together over 20 years, he
    said he had no idea love could feel like it does
    with us.

    My problem: I know I need to leave him to figure
    his life out. I follow your “tips” for a short
    time; I do not call him, I wait to get back to him,
    when he calls, I am sweet and keep it short… but
    I end up losing it when I do the “tips” and I don’t
    hear from him. (I guess I want it to happen faster?)

    It’s never been more than a day that he doesn’t call
    or text… but I feel sad that “all” I get is a call.

    I want him to show up!!! And I end up calling him
    after about a week of following the rules…. and
    talk about my feelings… and cry… but he’s on
    my mind ALL THE TIME.

    I tried to “see” other people, and I would come home
    and bawl my face off, because I don’t want anyone else.
    My heart is with him. Yes, it is nice to feel wanted
    by other men, and to be treated how I should be… but
    it overwhelms me with sadness that it is not him.

    I can’t get over the feelings of missing him – and
    when I do see him, it’s weird, it’s as if none of
    this ever happened. Our bond takes right back over,
    and once again we are soooo happy to see each other…

    Then the pattern repeats. He says we are like Romeo
    and Juliet, star-crossed lovers that can’t seem to
    be together… but can’t be apart. I cannot imagine
    him not in my life.

    The thought of him with someone else is devastating.
    It’s tearing me up, I’m so crushed. I understand his
    dilemma – he is very confused and having a hard time
    as well. But… now what?

    We often try to set each other free… but we can’t.
    How can I help him decide what to do… when every
    minute feels like a countdown until I can speak to
    or see him again?

    Logically, I can say to myself “get a life,” but
    emotionally I am stuck and sinking.

    Thank you if you can help!

    “Bethany” (not her real name)

    From Mimi:

    Dear Bethany,

    Men like this can spend time “in limbo”
    with you, the lady in waiting. They do
    believe that they are in love with you.
    But meanwhile, you’re in an endless loop.
    It’s intoxicating for a while, because
    when you get together, it’s so wonderful –
    until it isn’t!!

    It is not fun to be “on the fence” for anyone.
    It’s one thing to be grappling with a decision
    for a time. But this situation has gone on for
    too long, and it’s only getting worse.

    The playful, cozy interaction that Bethany
    describes is happening for a different
    reason for her than it is for him.

    One reason it seems wonderful is because
    Bethany is this special corner of his life –
    the “romance” corner. Yet he has another
    life too – that is much bigger than the
    corner filled by Bethany.

    This part-time relationship where one
    never knows what’s going to happen is
    not good enough, after three years.

    Bethany’s man was motivated enough to
    actually get a divorce, because he was
    “in love.” But he eventually found out
    that in his heart, he was really not

    It’s great that he spends time with his
    children. But he’s telling Bethany that
    he regrets that he’s no longer a part of
    their day-to-day lives. He has resumed the
    full-time father role, which is a good
    thing indeed for his kids.

    He even tells Bethany, “Maybe I can be home
    again….if I could just learn to fall in
    love with my ex.”

    It’s good that he is honest with Bethany
    about these feelings. But he obviously
    has regrets about getting divorced and
    losing his way of life – his husband and
    father role.

    The problem is – instead of making a decision
    to return or not – he’s keeping both his
    ex-wife and Bethany in limbo.

    A situation like this can only happen with
    the consent of the ex-wife and Bethany.

    He tells Bethany about his long history
    with his wife, and his lack of romantic
    feelings for her. He even tells her that
    perhaps if he spends more time there, he
    may be able to feel more for his wife
    than friendship.

    It sounds to me like that is already
    happening! But this man wants to soften
    the blow for Bethany by talking his way
    around his return to his marriage.

    Not only that, but this man is sending
    Bethany the message over and over that he
    believes that the right thing to do is to
    resume being the family man he once was.
    He’s saying this loud and clear.

    Bethany says, “I know he is not intimate
    with her, but he IS experimenting by
    kissing her goodnight to see if he can
    develop feelings…”

    It sounds to me like he’s already intimate
    with his ex-wife, but he can’t bring himself
    to tell Bethany the whole truth.

    By the way – those feelings were there when
    he married this woman. So I wouldn’t ever
    be too sure that they totally disappeared.
    Marriage is powerful, spark or no spark.
    People don’t stay together for 20 years
    for no reason.

    While he’s telling Bethany about his
    dilemma, he’s telling her how wonderful
    their love is, drawing both of them into
    this drama.

    Bethany, you’ve been with this man for
    three years. In my opinion, some of the
    tools you are using are not right for
    this situation.

    I don’t think you should make it easier
    for him to be on the fence. Being nice
    and understanding should only be a
    temporary response for a temporary

    It sounds clear that he leans strongly
    toward becoming the husband and father
    that he was before. It is more than
    possible that he is spending his nights
    there. His family life is where his
    heart is. As long as you hang on, he gets
    to have two women and a family. That
    may be what he really wants, but it’s
    no good for you or for his ex-wife.

    The problem is that a man like this may
    never ever be able to make a decision on
    this. He could waffle like this until the
    kids are out of college.

    Even after his kids are all grown up, he’ll
    tell you they’d still be devastated by another

    In a few more years, he will tell you that
    his wife or ex-wife is getting older and needs

    It’s not just the kids – it’s the whole picture.
    It’s the in-laws, the mutual friends, and the
    whole community of people who know this man
    as the “husband of” and the “father of”!

    If he can have all of this and have you, too,
    then it’s very possible that he will hang
    on to you for as long as you allow it.

    But all of this is his problem to solve. You
    cannot keep your life on hold.

    Yes, he will pine for you, and will do
    everything in his power to get you back,
    so he can have both the passion and the
    fun – and the wife and kids too. I feel
    that he will use this “intense connection”
    to try to hang on to you, because it is
    what keeps you with him.

    There comes a point when a woman can no
    longer respect a man who acts like this.
    He’s being dishonest with himself, you,
    and his ex-wife and kids… all while
    seeming to be the honest, torn, suffering
    nice guy. He makes sure to keep you happy
    enough so that you will stick around. And
    all of this continues because you too are
    going along with this, in spite of your
    misgivings. Part of the reason for this
    is the repeated words between you two that
    you both cannot give up your intense
    connection. This highly addictive love
    talk is counter to the fact that this
    man got a divorce but is now heading back

    The pain and suffering and longing has somehow
    become part and parcel of your feelings of
    love, so that after all this time, you might
    not feel like it’s love without the pain.
    It’s all part of that intoxicating intensity.
    However, enough is enough. His words are
    no longer being backed up by his actions.

    Instead of asking less of him and being so
    nice to him, you will have to be the one to
    “man up” here. It’s your life, Bethany, and
    of course you know that you deserve better.

    You will get over this man, and for your
    sake, the sooner, the better.

    Bethany tells us, “He says we are like Romeo
    and Juliet, star-crossed lovers that can’t seem
    to be together… but can’t be apart.”

    That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Bethany.
    This man somewhere knows exactly what buttons
    to push and what to say when he wants you to
    feel that this is a great love that’s worth
    suffering over. Meanwhile, this honest, torn,
    nice guy – is not that honest, torn, or nice.
    But chances are that he prefers to think of
    himself as a suffering hero.

    This “star-crossed” talk can be very powerful,
    but it’s only worthwhile if it’s grounded in

    This relationship is indeed a fairy tale, sad
    to say. I’m sure as Bethany describes, he has
    tried to get off the fence and tells her that
    she doesn’t deserve this, but all this is
    getting them nowhere and could potentially be
    very hurtful.

    The man who claims to want family life so
    much is playing with dynamite. It makes you
    wonder if he really wants this – or if he
    really wants to sabotage everyone in his
    life, including himself.

    In such a situation, your smartest move
    is probably to cut off all contact with
    him, so that you can grow to the point
    that you are safely and totally out of
    the emotional grip of this drama for good.

    Be prepared for him to pursue you. He knows
    how to reach you and what has meaning for
    you – your special relationship with him.

    But believe me, one of the main reasons
    it is special is because he can only
    keep you in that part-time corner of
    his world.

    This man will resist you taking away
    this intense, romantic corner of his
    life, since he’s not getting everything
    he wants from his family life.

    But after three years, you should not
    be waiting for a call and a visit. You
    should no longer be “understanding” of
    anything other than that it’s time to end it.

    You have your own life, and you deserve
    to be living it, and to not be “on call.”

    Would you like to know the BEST CURE for
    getting over this man??? Get him to tell
    you as much as possible about his ex-wife.

    Think as much as you can about HER life
    and what she’s gone through that made
    her the person she is. Put yourself
    in her shoes. Don’t buy into any lame
    complaints he makes about her, either.

    The more you think about HER, the less
    you will want him – and the more you will
    realize that he’s jerking her around too!

    This man – like most men in this kind of
    situation – wants to think of himself as
    Mr. Nice Guy – and portrays himself as
    the tortured hero who wants “nothing
    but the best” for all of you!!

    How many times have you all heard THAT one?

    It tends to trigger my B.S. meter when it
    comes from someone who is living a double

    Tell Mr. Wonderful that his Juliet has left
    the balcony!!

    Don’t look back!! Hang on – it will get better.
    But ONLY if you get out of this miserable mess.

    You said he has asked for space – please, give
    him that space. It’s definitely best for his
    family anyway!

    Bethany, I know that after 3 years, this is so
    hard for you, as you’ve described, and I want
    you to know that we will be rooting for you and
    even praying for you to have the strength to
    leave and not allow yourself to be drawn back
    in as his part-time romance relief. You deserve
    SO much more.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:41am

  637. 637: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @596 Pamelala

    Love that feeling, but yes, it’s nice to be able to function! LOL

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  638. 638: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    You were so right, I didn’t like your advice one bit! I felt so defensive, and after typing up a few defensive responses I got present with myself and started asking what I was defending. I started feeling really sick last night, woke up at 3am and took a hot bath rather than toss and turn. Went into work late, as now my lungs ache, I’ve been coughing, my throat feels constricted, my body aches and feels stiff and like it’s on fire, especially in my hips. I was as present and accepting as possible of the pain, and noticed I chose something pretty much guaranteed to cause further inflammation for breakfast.

    A few things are falling into place in my mind, now. Last night I found an old text file where I had done “the stranger” exercise from the Toxic Men program, which I didn’t dare open. I had stopped there over a year ago and never finished! So I’ll give it a go tonight and get started again. Between what I remember from “the stranger” exercise and the reflection I’m seeing in him now, the article on the imaginary relationship, more is becoming clear. I’m noticing the pain that feels like a self-punishment . “You’ll drive him away! Now you’ve done it! Now it’s going to be more awkward than ever! Now I don’t know what’s going to happen! He’s going to see how crazy you really are, you keep flip-flopping between feelings and perspectives! He’s going to tell other people at work that I’m nuts. Good, good I hope he DOES go away, tiresome drama boy! It would be a relief!” I feel distress, and tears rising just typing this.

    At the same time, I also feel something rising inside of me, something like a power or a radiance or a a knowing. I feel like I am becoming more than I was before (oh, and I feel the doubt and shame that INSTANTLY rose up to meet it!) What a mess. Back to the Toxic Men program tonight!
    Thank you!!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:45am

  639. 639: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #633 Bloom-ing

    this is sooooo hepful, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:54am

  640. 640: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    jen – yes, you’re so young – and I want you to ENJOY your life while you learn who you are – and learn peace, ease, love, fun, pleasure, how to speak and express yourself – and let relationship come to YOU and unfold around you. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:59am

  641. 641: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Belle))) your post felt beautiful to read… You’re so self aware!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:07am

  642. 642: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “But after three years, you should not
    be waiting for a call and a visit. You
    should no longer be “understanding” of
    anything other than that it’s time to end it.

    You have your own life, and you deserve
    to be living it, and to not be “on call.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:09am

  643. 643: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    so triggered
    a guy from the past who “came back” by friending me on facebook (did not accept request) was posting on our mutual friends wall that he wanted to bring by his new dog for her to meet. And he named the dog CF’s pet name for me (pure coincidence) but it’s such an obscure, foreign word… I can’t believe it.

    Connections to CF keep popping up. I hate it. Go away go away go away CF. You went away so go away FOR REAL.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  644. 644: TamNo Gravatar says:

    613..Receiving girl, thank you. I sound together because that’s always been my ‘sound together’, you see. I can do it very well.
    Inside it often is very different, the last two days I felt very stuck and back to old patterns.
    But today has been a good day. I feel strong and resolved that I don’t want to tolerate sub-par treatment from a man anymore, any man. And I get to define what I want, like Christmas. :)
    And in some ways I want to tell MrU just that also, and I am fully aware that it would be ‘explaining’ and ‘letting him have it’, however, I remember from years ago, that he used to have respect for that and not take it badly.
    I want to give it two more weeks of my time, that may be a waste of my time but hey, it’s only two weeks, just to vent and use him as a garbage can for my bottled up feelings between us in the last two years. I want to let it all out in a controlled way, not usually in my pattern of raging or crying when it all gets too much.
    I want to say what I want to say and leave it there.
    The more I reflect on everything, and all that we’ve been through, the less I actually want him.
    It is always different when we are together because we just click into old happy couple mode…but there are still too many things unsaid even then, and too many little niggling things going on.
    So yeah, I sound together, and thank you for your compliment. Sometimes I just want to let it all out and sound crumbling though.
    Because I have been crumbling for way too long.
    Time to put the pieces back together, eh?

    Hope you are well today :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  645. 645: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @607 FW

    Thank you. I am feeling much better today. I had a good night’s sleep. :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  646. 646: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    “But after three years, you should not
    be waiting for a call and a visit. You
    should no longer be “understanding” of
    anything other than that it’s time to end it.

    You have your own life, and you deserve
    to be living it, and to not be “on call.”

    JEEZ i feel like this was for me, i just ended it with another CD who has been in my life for about three years. I could not take it anymore. I felt like I was selling myself short. I have been crying over it for a week. :(

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:11am

  647. 647: TamNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((Starla))))))) urgh.. your turn today with the triggers, eh? Sorry bout that.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:12am

  648. 648: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “The pain and suffering and longing has somehow
    become part and parcel of your feelings of
    love, so that after all this time, you might
    not feel like it’s love without the pain.
    It’s all part of that intoxicating intensity.
    However, enough is enough.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:14am

  649. 649: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    went to dinner at a friend’s last night… just me & cd & another man. really practiced being aware of when i was judging myself for “being weird” ……. for example, feeling shame when i chose to sit on the carpet, despite there being chairs available…… & still choosing to allow my full self-expression……. noticed that i felt nervous & explain-y a couple times……. & also that i felt embarrassed about “public grooming” & wished i had excused myself to re-do my hair……. i really enjoy privacy : ) & i feel valued by myself when i allow myself moments of solitude & privacy, even in “social settings”…. (((little girl))) love you : )

    i don’t want to offend people or make other people uncomfortable…… at the same time, i notice there is no 1 applicable “set of rules” to achieve this…. & often my best efforts are quite literally “laughed at” hmmm… (((hugs))) no worries, it’s fine & i don’t want to worry much about it….

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:17am

  650. 650: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tam
    and CL is triggering me because he offered to help me find a car to buy, and then when I said I was considering buying something fancy/new, he started ranting about “douches” and “morons” with their new fancy small d*ck complex cars.


    i let him know i didn’t like it. he is going to apologize in 5….. 4……. 3…… 2…….

    lol, i know he didn’t mean to upset me. sometimes people get so ranty they forget that they might trigger the person they’re talking to.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:23am

  651. 651: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, aww good, i feel happy : ))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:23am

  652. 652: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @609 Annie

    Thank you for the comment. I feel quite opposite about Mr. Observant. What he said, wasn’t complaining, it was his truth about things that have happened….how they got to where they are. They are both responsible for their own actions. They both played a part in this.

    He really just wants her to find happiness. He doesn’t want to battle. He wants to be friendly and to have a nice relationship, which will be beneficial to his children.

    However, if someone punches another in the face and they ask them to stop, but they keep on punching, is that person just going to stand there and be beat up or are they going to defend themselves?

    I would defend myself.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:24am

  653. 653: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @611 Memulo

    Mr. Observant does not want war with her, he wants peace. That being said, he will protect himself when he needs to protect himself. He is really hoping it doesn’t come to that.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:28am

  654. 654: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Linda :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:29am

  655. 655: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:33am

  656. 656: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you RG

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:36am

  657. 657: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i was scared this would happen
    really nice guys like this.. they beat themselves up and kind of make it all about them when you’re upset, which is NOT so nice.
    like, “gawd, i always do this to myself! nooo you have to let me help you! i’m so stupid!”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  658. 658: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:43am

  659. 659: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “i was just trying to do something sweet, and i screwed it all up”

    i feel like crying and hitting.
    remember ME? hey guy, i’m over here. let me know when you’re done beating yourself up over letting me down, since i’m ‘so important’ here, right?

    grrr i do not like this dynamic.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:44am

  660. 660: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “now i’m falling short”


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:45am

  661. 661: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @644 Tam

    I can relate. I’m always “together” as well, when I may not really be underneath. :) I guess it’s our learned way of coping. I wish you the best with getting out what you need to get out in a way that works for you! :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:48am

  662. 662: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    my head hurts… this is a familiar feeling of ‘mid day’ opposite sex unpleasantry. no thank you.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:51am

  663. 663: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Would it be better if he didn’t feel bad for upsetting you?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:52am

  664. 664: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel nauseated
    i don’t feel good when this sort of “talk” arises
    it makes me feel invisible.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:57am

  665. 665: TamNo Gravatar says:

    661 Thank you RG, you too :)

    @ Starla, seems he was quite triggered by the car be ranting about men with small ‘you know what’s’…he would probably like to pick you up in a Bentley..since you are soooo special!!

    @FW – I liked the post about pain feeling like love. I definitely felt that too, time to end the ‘suffering’ disguised as a love feeling. Time to get going and receive the real thing. :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:58am

  666. 666: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    emoticon, i feel a bit curious if you’re dating men who are still Students ? or just out of school ? if that keeps happening to you – may be a “cultural difference” kind of ….. like, i know that i don’t want to date the way my girl friends from college date. i don’t date that way & i don’t feel good dating that way… : )

    ((emoticon)) you sound good & powerful – don’t let yourself feel “pushed down” into negative feelings because of things that your friends say… in my experience, many women LOVE to hear & talk about really bad things happening “in relationship” : ) i think it’s like entertainment, like soap operas or action movies : )) i don’t really want to have that in my life as “entertainment”…. i want to feel “entertained” by the magical things happening in front of & around me every second of every day : )))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:59am

  667. 667: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    Does he have children? Is she trying to take them away? Or he is ok with every other weekend visitations?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:59am

  668. 668: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:


    no more headache

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 9:59am

  669. 669: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    no, it wouldn’t feel better at all if he didn’t feel bad for upsetting me.
    i wasn’t THAT upset. i just said i didn’t like it.
    what feels bad is that he is going into a disproportionate self-beating up session, that really isn’t about me. it’s not doing me any favors.
    a simple “i’m sorry about that” would have been fine.

    this is over the top and feels scary and selfish and draining. i don’t like this at all.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:01am

  670. 670: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing ur right. They r guys who are really young and either in school or just out of school. But I’m also in school so idk but i really dont like whats going on for me right now.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:03am

  671. 671: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i didn’t respond to his last email and say something like “oh don’t worry about it”
    so now he is emailing me more, saying how nervous and upset he is that he might have upset me

    and i never said i was that upset!!!!!! and this is about HIM worrying that he might not get what he wants (a chance with me) AND IT’S NOT ABOUT MAKING SURE I AM OKAY. He is even saying “I am all nervous right now and want to talk my way out of this.”

    i’m really not okay with this type of thing. I do have enough experience with guys to know that this isn’t about me. Alaska pulled this and so did David, and it felt horrible and awful and I felt totally invisible.

    I can’t be with a guy that makes a huge imagined deal out of me saying simply I am upset, and then continuing to worry about if they’re still in my good graces (in a demanding, draining way) after I say it’s okay.

    I can’t handle that level of insecurity.

    I can’t
    I can’t
    I can’t.

    I don’t feel very happy right now:(

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:05am

  672. 672: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, ladies, now that I’ve caught up on the blog, I will post my thoughts.

    I decided not to respond to her messages is the best. She has so far stopped sending them since yesterday. Hopefully, not getting a reaction from me put out her fire, but I really don’t think it’s over. I feel she was trying her darndest to get me to say things. I feel her intent was two-fold, to get information and to scare me off with her threats.

    I plan to continue on status quo reserving the right to change my mind at any point in time.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:06am

  673. 673: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    basically he’s saying “i’m going to pester you until you tell me everything’s okay, this is all about me me me”

    jeeez a simple i’m sorry would have been fine.

    i can’t be the source of your validation.

    go away.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:07am

  674. 674: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    can someone please help me script how to tell him this feels really intense and actually makes things worse?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  675. 675: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, he reminds me a bit of Alaska in looking for approval from you?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:09am

  676. 676: TamNo Gravatar says:

    672 RG, that was wise.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:10am

  677. 677: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, you could tell him that it’s fine and further drawing attention to it isn’t necessary…with a feeling message (I am not exactly expert here)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:12am

  678. 678: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @667 Memulo

    Yes, 3. It started out as joint custody. Now, she is trying to get him supervised visits only. They have not worked out an agreement. I’m positive it will go to mediation. If mediation provides no results, does the judge decide?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:13am

  679. 679: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    emoticon, i hear you… i only dated 2 people in high school & college – 3 years each. then sometimes i “hooked up” with men in between….. but i told them, this isn’t serious for me – this isn’t how i begin relationships.

    my first boyfriend & i were dating exclusively for 3 weeks before we kissed…. & actually i dated my current partner for a month or so before we kissed : )

    emotional & physical intimacy are both important to me… & i don’t like to feel that someone else has the power to separate them in my life (((emoticon)))

    i do think you’re totally in the most amazing “zone” for practicing tools & giving men around you the blessing of interacting with a total Goddess : ))) wow… yummy!

    you have all the power, just by paying attention to what feels good & following your feelings : )) yum!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:14am

  680. 680: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    636 – Thanks for this. This kind of story helps me to see my relationship with R more objectively.

    I like that, “Juliet has left the balcony”.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:15am

  681. 681: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    584 – Yay!!! I feel happy for you that you had such a good date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:17am

  682. 682: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    673 – “I feel turned off.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:19am

  683. 683: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    starla, maybe you could say…

    wow… i’m sorry if you felt like i was telling you off… & actually i’m feeling so overwhelmed by all this & a bit bad, as i don’t want to feel like i’m ruining your day by expressing something … i want to feel fun & romantic communicating with such a wonderful man : ) … & i don’t want to hear a long rant… about anything, really : )) feels like clogging my system with extra anger : )

    not sure if that’s how you feel : )

    what do you think? i feel curious how you will respond, as this comes up for me sometimes in my relationship : ) my man LOVES a good rant lol… ((men))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:22am

  684. 684: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Bloom-ing. This just made me cry because my spidey senses told me so long ago that this guy was not for me and I had actually left him in the past months ago but recently he reappeared and I said y not give him another chance? Im an angel who just always sees the good in everybody and no matter how many other things seem off to me I feel like they deserve my love, or at least my compassion.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:23am

  685. 685: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Im looking at my monthly horoscope ( I usually save significant dates in a draft email) and surprise surprise, it said July 18th- difficult day for relationships. You could have fooled me.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:25am

  686. 686: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:


    Sounds like a big healing moment. Why does this keep coming up?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:26am

  687. 687: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    wow blooming that’s good

    here’s what i have so far, but i am going to go more the direction you suggested

    I don’t want to make you feel even worse, and I appreciate how much you must really want me if you are so worried right now, but to be honest with you, this sort of wanting to “talk your way out” or like borderline beating yourself up doesn’t do me any favors and makes me feel a bazillion times worse than the (usually) little thing I say I don’t like. It actually makes me feel really invisible/unimportant and drained and like it’s not about apologizing to me at all and more about you worrying you’re not going to get what you want, and I don’t want to feel that way with you..

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:26am

  688. 688: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    As you said, this seems to be a repeating situation with men you are dating. I feel curious as to whether this is something you need to heal in yourself. Is accepting apologies difficult? It seems these men don’t feel they are in your good graces. So, why do they feel that way? Is it about them or is it about you? Just a thought and feel free to disregard if you feel it’s not relevant.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  689. 689: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Yesterday was my bother and his wife’s one year anniversary.

    That was such a beautiful wedding.

    I go tto meet my nephew for the first time (my only nephew at that)

    I got to see and hear my brother in love.

    BUT it made me feel weird, cuz me and my brother are 2 years apart n grew up like twins, and knowing that I’m not near ready for what he was experiencing made me feel like a late bloomer (ive always been anyway)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:27am

  690. 690: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    blooming, you are magic with the way you talk to men

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:29am

  691. 691: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ladies, yes, it is a recurring thing in my life, and i don’t think it’s about apologies themselves, i think the recurring theme is about insecurity and validation.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:31am

  692. 692: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i will definitely go with something more along the lines of bloom-ing’s suggestion.

    i feel excited now to practice this!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  693. 693: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I feel scared that I will be forgotten in this battle.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  694. 694: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    543 – Welcome! How I wish I would have had Rori Raye in my life when I was 21!!! My life would be so different now.

    I am 48, and I started listening to Rori three years ago, and I have learned SO much! I felt much the same way as you expressed. I have been making baby steps with Rori’s tools, and it has made such a huge difference!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:35am

  695. 695: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    The bright side of all whats just happened to me is that this LAST guy was actually the closest thing to what I want in a mate, up until we had sex.

    So I’m getting there. I really am. The guy from 3 years ago. ABSOLUTELY everything i dont want to marry, except that he was really funny.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:36am

  696. 696: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla I am not convinced this is insecurity particularly seeing that several guys have gone into talking like that. I even remembered Mel and maybe Lucy posting about their guys talking about feelings. I have also experienced it myself.

    Also every man has had a life before he met you. He learned what each woman he encountered meant when she felt upset. Some of those were difficult lessons, even from his momma. So many men are afraid of relationship confrontations that is preceeded by a woman saying she is upset. Many of us start of with “We need to talk” that send men flying to the hills.

    Is it possible that the message might be “choose your words”. I see Rori has mentioned in more than one place not to say “I feel hurt” because that confuses men. I feel unsettled making this comment because it was not received well at least twice in the past but I find myself wanting to jump in to help. I can’t help but wonder if just choosing different words might be the message here.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:37am

  697. 697: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    emoticon, i’m feeling a bit giggly thinking of this… but i know that even when i “didn’t care for” or “didn’t have expectations of” a man….. even a “casual man”… i definitely, definitely “sweated it” when they didn’t hit me up the next day or still continue to “pursue” me…

    made me feel salty & less-than…

    some had other women o_0 lol
    some were intimidated by me…
    some simply were afraid of Relationship – or believed that this was “the time” to be wild : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:39am

  698. 698: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i did tell him hey it’s okay and i am going to get back to work, like how i did with alaska, but alaska kept going and then showed up to my dang office (yikes).

    i have a meeting for the next couple of hours and i hope he doesn’t keep emailing me. i said i have to get back to work.

    i really really really hate this sort of thing.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:39am

  699. 699: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    eek feel defensive about being misunderstood…

    i haven’t “hooked up” or dated someone who had an established relationship with 1 woman (that i know of)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  700. 700: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    fw, yes, choose your words, and also, i pulled this cr*p with CF, so… it’s like a big mirror to me.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:41am

  701. 701: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    memulo, you are un-forget-able : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:42am

  702. 702: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla I have also experienced “i’m going to pester you until you tell me everything’s okay,”.

    I believe it is “basic man” manspeak that many do when in “convince the woman to pick me mode”. I had guy tell me of a wedding he attended and the groom’s speech included something to the effect and even though the woman keep pulling away from him he kept trying until she gave in to marrying him. I wonder if that is where the term “fall in” love came from. This guy had been hitting on me for years and this was his way of telling me he will never stop because according to him “you just never know”.

    I believe men get 10x more rejection than we do.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:43am

  703. 703: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    and actually, fw, he has already exhibited some insecurity, but i chose to ignore it, thinking that if i didn’t feed the beast, it would just starve.

    for example, he said the other night he was worried when i didn’t text him back, and he was so glad he hadn’t ruined things. there was really no reason for him to think that. it was kind of weird.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:44am

  704. 704: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    (((starla))) thanks : ) i do seriously seriously notice that it feels nearly impossible sometimes when i am triggered to “choose my words” ….. like…. i find myself subconsciously designing fatal verbal weapons…. eeek! & the fallen-face look that i “get” as a result is absolutely heart-breaking…. i intend to slow down my communications & take full responsibility for my triggered emotions (((me))) because otherwise, when i really “get it” & “do it”… i have the most love-ly & enlightening conversations : )

    i can do that !!! i really can : ) i can i can i can : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:46am

  705. 705: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla I have an email from Bob Grant which tells about what a man hears when we say “it’s okay or I am okay”. For the most part they have experienced that we are not okay and will “let it fly” later. It is recorded that “I am okay” is the biggest lie men and women tell each other in relationships.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:46am

  706. 706: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    fw, i also remember a few minutes before alaska showed up to my office because i didn’t answer his email, you were trying to help me see him differently and tell me i was probably just wrong about him, so i can appreciate that maybe you just have a different “base” perspective on this issue (that, lucky for your guys, is rose colored) but sometimes can just be off.

    i’m just looking for help in communicating my discomfort to him, not necessarily to be told i’m just dead wrong.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:47am

  707. 707: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @676 Thank you, Tam.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:47am

  708. 708: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla I never said you were wrong about him.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:48am

  709. 709: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have never told you Starla that you are dead wrong but that is what you keep saying or “hearing”.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:49am

  710. 710: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    no not directly, silly! 😛

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:50am

  711. 711: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    709 of course that is what i would expect you to say, but you got to appreciate that one could get that impression when you post comment after comment offering opinions and advice that encourages someone to see things contrary to the way they’re currently seeing them.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:51am

  712. 712: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i could put this differently, fw, if it helps.

    do you have any advice on how to tell him how i’m feeling? since i didn’t ask anyone to tell me to see things differently, you are off the hook and don’t need to worry about taking on that role for me:)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:54am

  713. 713: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thank God it is only an “impression”.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:54am

  714. 714: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious to hear others perspectives Ty Receiving girl.

    Do you know what she was lashing out at him about?

    In what way did he would he protect himself?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:54am

  715. 715: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @696 Starla, I agree with FW. Try to consider these guys reactions and why do you think they would react like that? Maybe put yourself in their shoes, why would you react the way that they are…what would be your feelings behind wanting to make sure things are ok? Is it about you feeling bad or is it because you want them to feel good? I think some exploring could be helpful. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:56am

  716. 716: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Advice: I would look at Dominique’s video about leaning back. Then I would use that advice to put my attention into my body to see what I am feeling? Also to ask myself what is the message here? Maybe also why do I feel the urgency to respond and possibly get pulled into drama?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:56am

  717. 717: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    he’s emailing me AGAIN

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  718. 718: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question that I’m hoping some of you will respond back to me about…

    In the past two weeks I have had a handful of guys that I have encountered hit on me. I can go for quite some time without having that happen so it really stands out.

    I am at a point where I am considering a career change, attempting to totally cut off my unavailable guy (that’s a hard one), have been eating super healthy for seven weeks (gluten free, dairy free, etc.) to get healthy after some health issues, upping my exercise, etc.

    I’ve had men yelling out how great I look while leaving a public building, a guy who immediately was telling me how great and sexy my feet and shoes looked at a gas pump. After I told him I was flattered he started telling me his phone number. I’ve been to two dance classes followed by open dancing. One week one man was totally into me. The second week he returned and sat next to me. Another man also sat next to me and my friend was so upset because he ended up stomping on her foot to get back to sitting next to me.

    The thing is that none of these guys interested me one little bit. In fact truth be told I felt kind of repulsed by them. It was easier in non-dance atmospheres because the encounters were very short and I felt light and breezy and just took them as a fun recognition that men find me attractive.

    The dances have been more difficult for me. One of the guys started putting both hands on my shoulders and I started feeling claustrophobic. I really wanted the chance to dance with other men.

    My friend and I ended up leaving earlier than I would have liked because I wanted to get away from the two men. I realize in the past I have felt this way that a man may be coming on too strong and I’m not interested in him in the least. And, I feel like I have shut down at times and not left myself open to anyone so that I would not have to experience that.

    My question(s) is about exactly how to handle such situations where the guys can just stick to me like glue?

    I was thinking about saying something about How it feels good to be asked to dance, it would feel good to me to dance with more people…

    And second question is why am I attracting such low quality men at the moment and why is it so strong? I think my friend feels kind of funny that I’m getting so much attention albeit non-wanted attention while she is not.

    If you have any thoughts, it would feel good to have some feedback! Thank-you!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 10:57am

  719. 719: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm i feel pretty unheard. i’m looking for scripting help.

    you seem to be in preacher/teacher/mom mode, and that’s okay, but i’m probably going to skip your posts for a while. and i’m not sure if you’re trying to be sarcastic in saying “thank god it’s just an impression” but i’m not even sure what that means. if you’re being sarcastic, then i hope you figure out your triggers the same you encourage other people to figure out theirs.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:00am

  720. 720: StarlaNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:00am

  721. 721: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    If you are put on the sidelines while he deals with this, I don’t feel it’s necessarily a bad thing. I don’t think he will forget about you. He has things he needs to deal with in his own way, whatever way that may be. If a break is the best thing for him to deal with his situation, then a break should be taken. This is exactly what I told Mr. Observant. I truly believe if you are meant to be, it will work out, even if it’s at a later date.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:01am

  722. 722: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 711 “but you got to appreciate that one could get that impression when you post comment after comment ”

    Honestly I don’t. But I get why could see it that way, I would see it that way too if I were you. But I am me so I see it differently and will definitely adjust the way I communicate.

    Thanks for bringing it to my attention and helping me to heal my communication style.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:02am

  723. 723: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    HI everyone!
    Im free and single! LOL
    Oh well and Im going to the Lebanese festival by my house with my son…the 5 year old because he is half lebanese
    Karl Wolf will play tonight!
    Im very excited to find something here in this city that I like to do…plus good food.
    I feel good cause I went to the gym and did Back and an hour of the eliptical studying for my real estate course next week.
    A very hot guy came over and spoke to me while I was doing dead lifts and kind of told me in a nice way im strong…for a girl and that if I lift while looking at my feet I will end up like quasimoto and have a hunch back….oh well…I would have liked to kiss him on his mouth lol but he kind of thought I was probably dumb….lol
    Hope u guys are all doing well…I send all kinds of love out to you Girls!!!


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  724. 724: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I am not being sarcastic. I feel grateful that it is just an impression. I respect your decision to skip my comments.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  725. 725: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @667 Memulo

    Yes, 3. It started out as joint custody. Now, she is trying to get him supervised visits only. They have not worked out an agreement. I’m positive it will go to mediation. If mediation provides no results, does the judge decide?”

    She doesn’t have to agree to mediation.
    If she believes it is in the best interest of their child she can refuse access to anyone him, you, grandparents on either side etc. if she believes it is not good for their children.
    And his only option will be court.
    Since the latest government in power, the rights of even more focused on what the mother believes is best for her children.

    What are her reasons for supervised access?
    In what way does she believe her children are not being supervised properly that she only now wants supervised access?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:04am

  726. 726: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Just came across my status on gmail n find it INTERESTING. It says “dreamer, exister, manifester”

    I have no idea when i did this but nice reminder that I USED TO manifest EVERYTHING i wanted from highlighters to JOBS. Lost my focus somehow but I am claiming it back!

    Feeling Hopeful…!!!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:06am

  727. 727: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright Rori has an article about Low Quality men. I would read that if I were you. I would also encourage you to remember that men are visual and they are first attracted by your physical. I have also heard Rori talk about wanting a man who absolutely can’t help himself but want to tear your clothes off.

    In these types of situations I believe it is about speaking up and establishing boundaries.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:10am

  728. 728: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @714 Annie

    Yes, I do know. However, I’ve been contemplating whether I should continue to share information on a public forum that could potentially be found. So, I’m considering limiting my sharing.

    He is protecting himself by setting boundaries and working with his lawyer.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:14am

  729. 729: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    starbright….I dont know anything but lol i like to be attracted by nice conversation and a happy outlook and a good personality….that is a big turn on for me…

    If ur an attractive woman who has been both valued for ur beauty and valued for ur mind and personality…it might not interest u to find those shallow ones

    Shallow guys hoot and holler if you dress up…they tell you how pretty you are and not how nice or smart you are….as soon as another pretty face comes along…they stare at her too…there is a fickleness in aesthetics that does not feel long lasting to me….(although sometimes its a nice self esteem boost to dress up and get the smiles and appreciative looks)

    Maybe your attracting lots of guys that are shallow and some that arent but you arent in the head space to talk to anyone and become more intimate right now?

    Maybe it hurts to open yourself up emotionally right now to anyone? And thats ok…I still love my Beau and I find that I mourn our conversations and the times we talked and went to the gym together and so to be loyal to my feelings, somehow I shut out other people….deeply on a subconscious level…I just dont feel open…cause im still interested in him and not totally in ME…yuck, that hurts a little to admit.

    So when ur ready youll be ready…when all the bagggage just aint as heavy lol the drake song u know?

    I know you’ve been hurt, by, someone else.
    I can tell by the way, you carry yourself.
    If you let me, here’s what I’ll do.
    I’ll take care of you.
    I’ve loved and I’ve lost.

    [Drake] [Verse1]
    I’ve asked about you, and they told me things,
    But, my mind didn’t change and I still feel the same
    What’s a life with no fun, please don’t be so ashamed.
    I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours.
    We both know, we know.
    They won’t get you like I will,
    My only wish is I die real,
    Cause that truth hurts and those lies heal.
    And you can’t sleep thinking that he lies still.
    So you cry still, tears all in her pillowcase,
    Big girls all get a little taste, oh
    Pushing me away, so I give her space oh.
    Dealing with a heart that I didn’t break.
    I’ll be there for you, I will care for you
    I keep thinking you just don’t know.
    Tryna run from that, say you done with that,
    On your face girl it just don’t show.
    When your ready, just say your ready.
    When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy,
    And the party’s over just don’t forget me.
    We’ll change the pace, and we’ll just go slow.

    [Hook] [Drake]
    You won’t ever have to worry.
    You won’t ever have to hide.
    And you have seen all my mistakes,
    So look me in my eyes.
    [ Lyrics from: ]
    Cause if you let me, here’s what I’ll do.
    I’ll take care of you.
    I’ve loved and I’ve lost.

    [Verse 2] [Drake]
    It’s my birthday, I’ll get high if I want to,
    Can’t deny that I want you,
    But I’ll lie if I have to. Cause you don’t say you love me,
    To your friends when they ask you.
    Even though we both know that you do, you do.
    One time, been in love one time.
    You and all your girls in the club one time.
    All so convinced that you’re following your heart,
    Cause your mind don’t control what it does sometimes.
    We all have our nights though,
    Don’t be so ashamed.
    I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours.
    We both know, we know.

    You hate being alone when you ain’t the only one.
    You hate the fact that you bought the dream
    When they sold you one.
    And you love your friends,
    But somebody should have told you somethin,
    To save you.
    Instead they say…

    (“Don’t tell me, I don’t care, if you hurt.
    I don’t tell you, you don’t care if you’re true.
    Don’t tell me, I don’t care, if you hurt.
    I don’t tell you, you don’t care, if you’re true.”)

    I know you’ve been hurt, By, someone else.
    I can tell by the way, you carry yourself.
    If you let me, here’s what I’ll do.
    I’ll take care of you.
    I’ve loved and I’ve lost.

    Starbright…be easy on yourself! Take ur time!
    Let yourself feel everything and when your ready, you will be happy again too! With or without someone!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:15am

  730. 730: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I am wondering if anything in this article could help you with the “woman” comment.
    my husband said to me one of his top 5 things was women – How I’d feel and respond might have a LOT to do with “context” – what made him say it, how he was behaving around me just before he said it, what he did after he said it, what feelings got triggered in me…all of that.
    I could take it as a personal slam at me in some insidious, insensitive way – or I could take it as a glowing tribute to women and his appreciation of them.
    I don’t know what I’d feel in that moment, or what I’d do, but I’d mightily consider choosing the more upbeat options.
    And I see that you chose to take it as a personal affront.
    Either this is because he’s a narcissistic, uncaring, stupid man who was being insensitive, cruel and jerky, or because he’s simply “clueless” and has a warped sense of humor and even less understanding of women, or because there’s some friction between you and it’s causing him to develop a lot of anger and resentment and stuff it down so that it comes out in weird ways like this that seem like a DELIBERATE attempt to hurt you – or because you are so all about you that you can’t see the big picture.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:18am

  731. 731: ruthNo Gravatar says:


    How about
    “Im feeling a bit hassled right now.Could you just give me a little space”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:18am

  732. 732: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    727: Femininewoman

    Thanks for your thoughts! Do you know where I can find those articles on Low Quality Men?

    And, I would agree about the boundaries. I’ve been practicing on being open and sharing appreciative feelings with these men. I have not worked with boundaries with them and expressed what I want and what does not feel good.

    I still feel like such a newbie with sharing my true feelings of all kinds! (((Starbright)))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:22am

  733. 733: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright I will look for it. What I do when sharing feelings, I pause. Even if I have to ask for a moment to get clear on what I want to share. I learned that from a man.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:28am

  734. 734: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    “You have your own life, and you deserve
    to be living it, and to not be “on call.”


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:28am

  735. 735: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    729 Jessie,

    Oh, your response feels so good to read! Thank-you!

    A couple of those times I’ve been wearing a dress, but one time I was not dressed up at all. I was however, feeling a good open lightness in myself while I was pumping my gas!!!

    Anyhow, I think it’s a combination of letting go of someone I care about and a certain way I think I’ve been with men. It hasn’t been easy for me to open up to men. So, here I feel more open, but only for the good things. I think the good growth challenge is being open about all my feelings. Just an easy breezy attitude. I sure don’t want these guys to scare me into closing down.

    Thanks for the warm thoughts! And, hope the same good things for you as you still have feelings for your Beau. The Lebanese Festival sounds fun! Enjoy!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:29am

  736. 736: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Femininewoman! I look forward to reading about Low Quality Men if you find the article!

    Yes, taking my time with sharing my feelings by pausing sounds like a good idea.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:34am

  737. 737: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    716 – In 81, Rori said: “Sandy – I’m holding your comments in moderation – and here’s what I wrote to you, and to anyone new who’s not familiar with the “Guidelines”:
    If you’re new to the blog, there are guidelines (look for the “Guideline” page over in the right sidebar) – and unless you’re a professional coach or therapist, I can’t let your comments through if they are “advice-driven.”.

    Basically, we’re all working toward vulnerability and using Feeling Messages – and I frown on ANYONE giving “advice” to anyone else.

    If you’d like to participate on the blog – instead of judging anyone’s behavior or thinking or actions or feelings, or analyzing her situation or warning her – I’d encourage you to look inside yourself, at how you’re being triggered by someone else’s words and experiences and situation, and how your own feelings feel to you.

    That would be valuable to everyone, most especially YOU – which is why this blog is the way it is.

    My professional experience tells me that any woman who is judging, anayzing and figuring out other women on the blog is also doing that with men. And we’re all working toward stopping that completely.

    Love, Rori”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:36am

  738. 738: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    It seems like it ought to be so simple, but when men ask if they can sit next to you and you are not one bit interested in them, what is a good thing to say?

    It’s like the being asked to dance part feels easier to me in one way. I’ve heard it is best to say yes, so that other guys feel comfortable to ask you because you won’t just turn everyone down. However, when they keep asking and you want to look available and not already taken by one guy that can seem a bit challenging too.

    Any thoughts here would be great as I’m going dancing tonight! :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:38am

  739. 739: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    I feel thankful for air conditioning.

    I feel worried for my kitten. I let her out at 4:30 am, and it is after 2:30 pm, and she is still not back. I hope someone took her inside and is feeding her.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:40am

  740. 740: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright here is the article

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:43am

  741. 741: TamNo Gravatar says:

    730 – FW you are so lovely, that’s just what the doctor ordered…thank you!!
    I know he is not a bad man and I know he is clueless because he does it to anyone with anyone, he thinks of it as ‘honesty’.
    Once I told him it made me feel bad he was clearly shocked.
    Unfortunately, he has a problem relating to women, he thinks they should all be beauty queens and thinks it’s fine to get there with surgery. He likes the unavailable beautiful tall blonde type. I am the petite brunette with a big sense of humour and just look like a cute girl next door. I suspect he is thrown by me because I am happy to get dirty and do outdoors stuff and muck in with the boys – as well as dress up. Like I said, his mother abadoned him when he was young, to set off with another man, and she was a stunning woman who had all this surgery to get even more beautiful. He is still looking for her, basically. You can just tell.
    And he is a man’s man also and very stubborn – he even says so. So it’s his view that’s always right and he often tells me ‘every man is like this and that’ and it’s all those cliches. ‘every man likes to watch porn, every man looks at pretty women, every man who doesn’t get his needs met will cheat, every man whose wife gets fat will cheat – bla bla bla’
    I used to wonder whether he has any clue what a committed loving relationship looks like and I have to say: No.
    I doubt he ever lived with a woman, or really got close. I feel that he has told me already a whole lot of stuff that he doesn’t speak about and now sees me as ‘unsafe’ because I am not the ice queen, I am now the confidante…and basically no good as a girlfriend anymore as I am getting too close.
    And I am kind of bored with it. I am bored with it because I am bored with dilly-dallying and I do not want to try to fix him.
    I have enough trouble fixing myself 😉
    But yes, on occasion it was true that whatever he said would wind me up. But I often felt it was a deliberate attempt by him to push me away and wind me up, he was looking for an argument. With Rori’s tools everything started to get better actually, we both relaxed. But I am bored with it all nevertheless, love should be easy and this is too hard.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:49am

  742. 742: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright I like this feeling message and am thinking you might be able to change it to suit the sitting beside you scenario. It might help if you read the article

    “You know, I’d really like to be able to tell you that I want to see you, but when I think about saying something like that, it makes me feel like I’m being pushy and I don’t like how that makes me feel. I would really enjoy hearing you say that you want to see me.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:53am

  743. 743: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing You are so right. Funny enough it took me 9 months to sleep with both those guys. One kissed me on the first date, the other one, I only kissed him about 7 months into our dating relationship. Thats what confuses me. I def dont think im coming off as overly sexual. I know im very sexy and I was a sex symbol in my past life but I def cant have the words SEX OBJECT written on my forehead.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:54am

  744. 744: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tam and Pamelala – #592 and #594 – Yes some people can handle opposite gender friendships very well. I totally agree that openness is key, also trust.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 11:55am

  745. 745: ZaraNo Gravatar says:

    From the links I pasted last year:

    “…Never give up…”

    “…keep looking, and find somebody who can help you weither it’s a dating service or just lunch… whatever… Keep looking!……..Flirt 5 days a week, Flirt: eyes balls and smiles…. Flirt! One of those 5 days, go somewhere and sit! ……….. Sit so that they can hit on you!…”

    “Men are extremely attracted to happy women…”

    “…Women are supposed to be in love with themselves, and men want to share in that…”

    “…Happy women are women who pay attention to appreciating what they get, who say no to what they don’t want, but they don’t get into rebuilding other people or into making other people’s life work at their expense….”

    “… A good man is basically one who knows that his job is to give, protect and cherish and that he can expect for that: appreciation, respect and fun..”

    “…A man must feel respected to feel cherished…”

    “…Complementary energy attracts intimacy, competitive energy neutralizes intimacy. (I take I take, I feel I feel)

    “…Everything has got to be negotiated…”

    “….You must not make love until you know what the deal is, otherwise you’re gonna get hurt…”

    “… There is no one worth marrying, we are all goofy. You marry the marriage, you negotiate the best deal you can and you realize that trustworthiness is build over time and periodically there may be a slip, and with that slip it’s got to be regenerated, reconstituted…”

    ”…You build the relationship by surviving the problems…”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:02pm

  746. 746: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel thrilled at the power i have over men, especially players and how easy it is to see a man is hung up on a woman when i don’t allow them to talk about another woman in my presence

    they can of course, i will just feel extremeely mad, let them know it, and exit the conversation and likely quit dating them unless they are able to prove to me that this will not be an issue ever again

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:03pm

  747. 747: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t really “want” to get involved…..

    i just feel like “adding”…. to esteemed’s point in 737 – “unless you’re a professional coach or therapist, I can’t let your comments through if they are “advice-driven.”” that fw was posting professional coach advice from our beloved dominique : )

    i feel a bit angry & drawn to battle… & i feel curious about it……. but mostly i just feel like, “oh no, we’re applying the laws without justice” & want to Defend my personal vision of what “connection” looks like & feels like…. thank you

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:07pm

  748. 748: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, RG,

    I think this woman is just plain crazy and mean. Yesterday at 5pm she gave him the child for the overnight stay, then at 8pm came with a restraining order on his birthday. He is an excellent father and all he wants is 50% time with the child, He supports them completely, she never worked and he is very generous. Also, she has a nanny for the child that he pays for though she is free the whole day. He is such a loving parent, he plays with the boy, teaches him things, takes him around. He never argues with her in child’s presence. She tries to hit him every way she can. She lies, provokes, manipulates the mediators. She says a lot of things that no one asks her to prove. Crazy hurtful things. Like that he yells and mistreats the child. Just like that. She has no proof, but when she says it 25 times people get used to the thought. It is a terrible situation and the system is not on his side.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:08pm

  749. 749: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    that was a long meeting i just led, woah, it was high pressure but i did great

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:11pm

  750. 750: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    fw, i feel unsure what to say here but i just wanted to [insert loving, supportive comment that conveys how much i appreciate your presence here, even if i feel bad sometimes (it’s not the end of the world)]

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:14pm

  751. 751: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    To get a restraining order for a man a woman just has to say she is scared of him. That’s all;)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  752. 752: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    in 745 zara says

    “….You must not make love until you know what the deal is, otherwise you’re gonna get hurt…”

    i feel curious if you are expressing to these men how you will feel if you are physically intimate ?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  753. 753: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    I am new to posting here but I have been reading for a while, I love all the feedback and this blog really gets me through hard times when I want to make contavt with an ex.

    My situation has been tough lately. I feel I am addicted to relatinships and also men. I seem to go from one relationship to the next always with th wrong guys and then I panic, move on and then miss them and dwell on them. It is a very unhealthy pattern that keeps me in perpetual turmoil.Then I stew and stew about making contact with them. It really makes no sense at all. I think I need sometime to be by myself and grow but whenever I try I end up ruminating on an ex.

    Recently I was dating someone from work and I dated him to help me get over another ex. Now I have to see work ex everyday and that is not fun at all.

    I am on a train andI can’t seem to get off. I know I need to be alone for a bit to face my fears and then date but it is so hard…..

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:15pm

  754. 754: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Starbright lol my Beau sucks

    Heres my latest way to deal with my Beau

    I say in my head…I want him back. I want my Beau to be mine all mine…
    Then I ask …Is that really true?
    Well part of me says Yah I want his companionship and his big yummy muscles beside me. I want him to give me lots of attention like before and I want him to want to take me to the gym. I just want to see his smile…he has the biggest smile when he sees me and he calls me Najar…its arabic meaning my name…
    and then….

    I check myself.

    I ask myself …is it true? Do I want him back? He should come back? I need him to be with me?

    Is it true? well No, he doesnt want to be with me now. He wants to be single. Hes afraid of marriage and he feels uncomfortable to walk there again since his last woman dumped him, took his child and prevents him from going to his country to even see his mom and dad and bro. and sis. until he can pay a huge amount of child support and alimony….

    So if I made him do all those nice things for me….sit by me, love me, go to the gym with me, pay attention of me then I havent respected his feelings….only mine.

    And When I say wow, I need him with me. HE should commit to me then I feel sick, and stressed and frightened of him forgetting me and I feel old and ugly and jealous and stupid and stressed….so stressed and anxious.

    So If I turn it around…then I say
    I need to be with me.

    Or He needs to be with himself.

    Or I should commit to myself completely and whole heartedly.

    Thats the hard one. To really be present in this moment and to be with me. To stop looking at why Im unhappy if my Beau doesnt commit to me or does something wrong to me while trying to live his life as best as he knows it.

    TO start looking at how little I have committed to making my life tornado proof…to have enough girls as friends and other mothers to sit with…when Im single or not. To find classes to join. To connect to my old friends and call them and stop ignoring them.

    To take myself on vacations and enjoy finding things out that I like to do. TO give attention to myself.
    I am starved for attention from my Beau because I dont give attention to myself. Ever.

    What do I want to do?
    I want to stop obsessing for anything outside and start obsessing with myself.

    Does my Beau suck? No.
    Do I suck? Yes. For neglecting myself.
    For believing that other people are the problem and not my own lack of interactions to care for myself.

    Kisses everyone

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:17pm

  755. 755: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:26pm

  756. 756: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing – <3


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:29pm

  757. 757: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    I realize we’re no longer talking about other gender friendships, yet I have more to add. I don’t think I was clear.

    I suggested to Annie that if a man is the one for her, he would not entertain the idea of having a female friend; it wouldn’t be part of his make up because this is a man FOR HER, and this kind of friendship would feel too triggering. SO she would attract a man who has a similar mind and heart set.

    It would be different for someone who has no problem with this though as mentioned, there would need to be trust and openness.

    That is all for now. :)


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:34pm

  758. 758: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique I want to let you know I went through several of your videos this morning and find them very helpful.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:34pm

  759. 759: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i sent my bloom-ing style email to CL and i feel much better and i think he will feel better to and will say to himself ‘woah i have been going about this wrong’


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:36pm

  760. 760: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Someone, maybe Receiving Girl?, and I apologize if it was not you, was suggesting that when one has been been beaten very and over, there comes a point when you would want to fight back. I’m paraphrasing.

    May I suggest another option? Walking away, calmly….
    When you don’t react to volatility, it usually and sooner rather than later defuses.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:37pm

  761. 761: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a sense of judgment against men in divorce. I feel an inequality regarding parental rights. I feel a sense of women are more trustworthy & smarter than men. I feel an assumption that women love their babies more than men do. This feels very icky & not true to me. I feel everyone should be granted their rights. I feel it shouldn’t be so easy for manipulations of truths to occur.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:37pm

  762. 762: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    “Wait…were you calling me a “wonderful man”? Because that would make me feel really good coming from you.

    haha, no worries, you didn’t ruin my day to any extent, I was just like uhh ohh, she seems kinda frustrated and that’s the last thing I want right now! haha, you’re all good…I so didn’t mean to make it feel controlling, and I’m sorry that it came across that way, noted for future reference! Haha, let’s just call it whatever and move on…sound good to you?”

    the “were you calling me a wonderful man” part kind of triggers me/irritates me, but otherwise, not bad? the simple apology feels so much better, thank you dude.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:39pm

  763. 763: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    he keeps adding in “haha” before everything, which i do too when i feel self conscious about expressing myself authentically or want to “minimize” something.

    it is so triggering for me.

    trigger day

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:40pm

  764. 764: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman – Thank you. This feels so good to read. I’ve been wanting to film more, but it’s been too hot. As much as I LOVE the heat and humidity, we do not have AC, so I would end up looking more than a bit melty on camera and not in the way we want to be with our men. lol


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:41pm

  765. 765: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    awww melty dominique sounds cute though

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:42pm

  766. 766: TamNo Gravatar says:

    RG I know many amazing single dads and part time dads, who are better at taking care of their kids than I would be 😉
    Plus I know at least a couple that insisted their wives come with them to couple therapy and in both those cases it was the women not being cooperative and/or trying to save the marriage. So ((((men))) ((((dads)))) (((divorcees))) 😉

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:43pm

  767. 767: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i do feel super judgmental, it’s unnecessary.

    what if every time i see him say “haha” i think “this man wants to make it clear that he means no harm.”

    instead i see “insecure motherf*cker” lol


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:44pm

  768. 768: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique – yes that was me, but I didn’t mean fight back in the actual sense of fighting. I was more envisioning stopping the punches, as in like when a boxer puts his gloves in front of his face to defend himself.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:47pm

  769. 769: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “It’s only my skills, my experience, all the work I’ve done to become more aware of what’s going on inside me and shift my attitude and the way I think about things, the Tools I use every moment of every day that make the dramatic difference in my life and romantic life:”

    Rori the comment around “attitude” just leapt at me from the screen in a really new way.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 12:58pm

  770. 770: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you. I feel understood & heard.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:01pm

  771. 771: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG I suspect that you might be feeling your Warrior Woman/Goddess wanting to defend the voiceless. I have to be careful above giving “advice” but I so understand what you are communicating. I have a good male friend who “lost” his two boys to the wife. He begged to be allowed back in the family to no avail. She eventually got breast cancer and that was the time she sought reconciliation and he was torn between anger and love. She eventually died ad he hs not remarried after several years. He literally sacrificies himself working like a maniac to provide the best life for his boys.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:08pm

  772. 772: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 765 Tam that Dad I just wrote about was the one who sought help. His wife refused to participate so he went to counselling by himself. I am sure he has issues, like the rest of us, but I respect him for making the effort. I also believe he was emasculated looking at the last vision I have of them together. He was looking like a really frustrated, drained woman.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:14pm

  773. 773: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks for posting those Rori articles. I’ve been busy reading them! I appreciate you!


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:14pm

  774. 774: TamNo Gravatar says:

    770 FW – do not be careful about ‘giving advice’..we like it :) .. we love it :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:17pm

  775. 775: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    New Siren, welcome, and you’re not alone. Almost all of us have felt this “addictive” thing at one time in our lives (I was certainly there for many years)…and doing the work of the Tools – just doing them is all you need. Start with the basics in the ebook Have The Relationship You Want – really, really practice them everywhere, no matter how much you don’t want to or feel yourself resisting…Then get “Toxic Men.” I also encourage you to go to a CODA meeting in your neighborhood – 12 step really works for a great many people for all of this. and if you can afford it – private coaching is truly where it’s at. Virginia Clark can get right into your subconscious and help you make the kind of shifts you want. Your situation is one of her specialties. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:22pm

  776. 776: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW thank you. Yes, in a way. I feel judgments are made out of bias from life events or other stories heard from others lives, things are assumed out of context, accusations are believed without investigation, laws are in place to protect the guilty, as opposed to the innocent, who actually need the protecting.

    I’ve experienced this many times in my life & I feel truly saddened by it. There is no equality, there is no innocent until proven guilty, there is no may the best man win, etc. We are consistently manipulated & lied to & we accept it as how things are. Life isn’t fair, how many times have you heard that?

    All it takes is one accusation. People believe everything they read or they think snopes is the all-knowing. How many have read the about page on snopes? It’s a husband & wife research team, so why do they hold so much Godly knowledge of everything? Who are they to be given so much power over what is true & what is false?

    So so many things.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:27pm

  777. 777: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    ((((((((((New Siren)))))))))))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:28pm

  778. 778: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG I am in a place now where I decide to forget the “life is unfair” cliche. I go with my feelings in my experiences now. Some people don’t understand the calmness that is slowly encompassing my vibe now and for me it is peaceful.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:33pm

  779. 779: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright it is good to just read the old articles on the blog. There is lots of help in them.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:35pm

  780. 780: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    i don’t “agree” with a lot of what steve pavlina writes, but i do love the idea he has when he’s entering situations…. that this is all a dream – it’s your dream – so everything you encounter, you can “set the tone” with your hopes/fears/expectations…

    anywayz, was just thinking that i wouldn’t want the “dream” to be like: “There is no equality, there is no innocent until proven guilty, there is no may the best man win, etc. We are consistently manipulated & lied to & we accept it as how things are. Life isn’t fair, how many times have you heard that? ”

    it’s not that i’m arguing with you.. or that i’m judging those beliefs……. & i hold a lot of equally “fright-ening” beliefs……. : ) but i just wanted to “point out” that i’m noticing those words set the tone for a nightmare, rather than a pleasant dream…. (((receiving girl))) thank you

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:36pm

  781. 781: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Just found the little kitten! She was gone a full 12 hours. She is ravenous! I just hung up a bunch of lost posters around the neighborhood. I got out of the car, called her, and there she was! I feel so thankful and relieved!

    And doubly so, because now she has a home with my friend! I had offered her a kitten before and she had said no. I feel really happy she is going to get a good home! Her son and daughter love kitties!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:39pm

  782. 782: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    This incredible piece of Nature, YOU, has been transforming into a gorgeous, sensuous, polished, alluring, luscious work of art. You have been evolving into an accessible, approachable, inspiring, beautiful being.

    And all this because you are still on your healing path.

    And feeling this goddess creature emerge from within you is like no other feeling. If it had even been possible to start out like this, you would have had no idea how amazing you really are. You would likely have not recognized let alone appreciated your wondrousness.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  783. 783: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i also (am trying at least) abandoned the ‘life is unfair’ mentality.

    i am not a victim. my job cut my pay by 1/5. i’m still not a victim. “obamacare” wants to fine me for not using traditional doctors. i’m still not a victim. my taxes are waaaay too high. i’m still not a victim. my parents both abandoned me – at 27 years old, i’m definitely no longer a victim

    feel ssooo much better

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:42pm

  784. 784: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    ((new siren))

    i have totally been there! i’ve done a bunch of work on why i felt so dependent on the attention of men…i realised that it is connected to having an abusive parent. love always feels like hard work, like pain and striving. so i got addicted to feeling bad in an effort to recreate/relive my childhood. and i got addicted to drug addicts, alcoholics and men who cheat and verbally abuse me.

    i feel so very different now. even in the past few months. it still rears its head up, but now i am aware of how i run to give myself up to men, particularly difficult and angry men. and it kind of just stops. once i see it going on and realise that i am forcing myself to live through a painful situation all on my own.

    it gets better once you start loving yourself!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:44pm

  785. 785: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    New Siren,

    Welcome! I have the same struggle!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:44pm

  786. 786: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW & Bloom-ing – thank you.

    Bloom-ing – yes, I feel what you are saying. I feel frustrated, especially given recent events & more today.

    Mr. Observant is so sweet & he has a positive attitude. I wish I could follow his example. He’s checked in with me 3 times today to see how I am doing & how I feel on my new medication. Even with all the stuff he’s dealing with, I’m still on his brain.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:48pm

  787. 787: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    The strangest thing happened… this homeless man was outside when I was walking to lunch. He was screaming about needing to be saved by j*sus and all this malarky about various craziness. And I walked by and he suddenly put on a normal voice and stood up straight and said, “Hello.”

    “Hello,” I said and smiled.

    “You’re beautiful,” he said, still in his new-found normal voice.

    “Thank you,” I replied and kept walking.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:49pm

  788. 788: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:


    Sounds like you are doing a version of The Work by Byron Katie. Seems very healthy even if all the answers don’t feel good at the moment! Taking care of oneself is a healthy answer and not always the easiest to do! For me finding that mixture of taking care of myself while being open to a man can be challenging.

    My plans changed with a girlfriend tonight and I went ahead and suggested to her that we go to a dance. That keeps me from running into the unav guy.

    Otherwise not sure I would have stayed away from our group that he will be with tonight. I feel a little sad and a little anxious and there is a definite pull to see him. But, there is never a good time to move on from him. There will be a pull to him until at some point there isn’t but that point of there not being a pull will come quicker if I’m willing to let him go and stick with it. Waiting for some other time in the future only means I will get older and have less time for a great and healthy relationship in my life and overall have more pain with him. So, guy who can’t give me everything that I want, I am going dancing where I will practice my feeling messages and moving my body on the dancefloor!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:51pm

  789. 789: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    umm, LADIES PLEASE HELP. Now CL has sent me this:

    “ok…haha back to romantic I guess…

    so I have been wondering the last say 16 hours…how does Starla feel? I mean, ya we’ve only been on two dates and still getting to know each other blah blah blah…I guess I’m just asking, do you feel like there is any sort of “spark” between us or that there could be one? I mean, obviously on the basic level, of course I’m not speculating anything in the long run and not holding you to it. But it would do wonders for my confidence level if I kinda knew what you were thinking. Is this something, or rather am I someone, you see yourself wanting to have a romantic relationship with?

    All I know is that the spark is there for me, whether we build a fire out of it is still yet to be seen, but I kinda felt some nice connections with you heart to heart last night and I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. It’s so nice, because I feel attracted to you physically, but even more so for who you seem to be, I honestly don’t think my heart’s ever been in the right place like it seems to be with you!

    Please…I’m not looking for definitive, I am just asking what your take is on it. Because it’s really important to me that you’re happy and I’d never want to be in the way of that.”

    we’ve been on 2 dates.. wtf?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:51pm

  790. 790: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i was feeling better, thinking maybe he “got it,” and this just all feels really overwhelming and draining? i don’t know how to answer him. i can’t reassure him like this 3 times a day.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:57pm

  791. 791: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RG Mr. O seems to be a good man. Or at least he is trying to be.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:57pm

  792. 792: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    789 – If I got a text like that, I would say something like this…

    I feel kind of weird. I would feel better getting to know you longer than less than a week, and it feels a lil weird having a conversation this deep via text, also. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:57pm

  793. 793: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    I felt so bad at work today, that I asked myself, “If I could fully accept and love these feelings, then what else is possible?” I chose to go home, curl up on the couch with some soup, and tune in to my body. I live paycheck-to-paycheck and noticed concerns about missing work (no sick time) and asked the powers-that-be to reward me for honoring my feelings rather than punishing me with ‘loss’.

    I laid down and started asking the feelings what they needed, what needed love?
    I noticed a horrible feeling in my gut…I tune in and see an image of the guy with his gf in my head, and the thought, “not me, not me”. I felt small and less than and excluded. Another thought arose…”well, if he’s such a lying, immature sh*t, and cheating on his girlfriend, shouldn’t it feel GOOD that it’s not me?” I squealed with laughter…oh, heck yes.

    I went through various aches and pains doing the same thing.

    I ran into a memory of an ex, and felt rage come up.
    I practiced feeling states with the images…
    “I feel so much loathing and hate for you right now, and I feel pressured and violated. I feel like you don’t see me, I feel like you want to manipulate and control me and force me to be your ideal, and I feel like I want to vomit.

    I feel like I want to beat the living snot out of you right now, just really feel like smashing your head in and kicking you in the guts til you cry. I don’t feel like you would appreciate that. I don’t want to go to jail, though, and I don’t want any unpleasant repercussions. I don’t know what to do here, what do you think?”

    I imagined his eyes getting wide and doing the whole, “I’ll get back to you on that one!” dance and I started laughing so frigging hard. It was hilarious.

    Still feeling aches and pains and gonna get back to it, just wanted to share…wow, Rori, thanks for the wonderful advice and the tools that really really work!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 1:58pm

  794. 794: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i guess i could just say, “going out with you has felt pretty fun so far. it feels better to take my time and get to know someone organically before being able to answer this sort of thing.”

    this is turning into kind of like, ummm, a lot of WORK for me and i don’t like that. i’m starting to feel pretty bad.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:01pm

  795. 795: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    what I REALLY want to say is
    “is asking a girl you’ve gone out with TWICE for reassurance your idea of ‘romantic’? What happened to just asking a girl out for another date and seeing if she says yes? That’s MY idea of romantic.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:02pm

  796. 796: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    New siren

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:04pm

  797. 797: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder what guys think when they get similar emails from women lol

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:07pm

  798. 798: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, they think “yikes, clingy”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:10pm

  799. 799: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:


    Looks like there are lots of chances for practice with this guy!

    Just think about all the writing you’ve done about him today! He probably hasn’t even spoken to anyone but you about all of his feelings!

    Seems challenging. I mean usually men don’t seem to open up so much so quickly. And, you probably don’t want him to shut down…

    A simple response like you wrote seems good.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:11pm

  800. 800: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    and woment think: I knew it, I can’t trust any of them, they are out there just to hurt me:)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:13pm

  801. 801: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    guy who loves me keeps sending me links via email, then ignoring me when he sees me in person. i am starting to feel annoyed.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:19pm

  802. 802: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright, you are right, i am soooo lucky to have this place.

    i am not going to answer him for now, because it feels bad, and i would like to focus on myself and my work. and it’s probably going to drive him crazy, and i’m sorry for that, but i think i need to care for myself right now.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:20pm

  803. 803: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    and…i just booked a coffee date. :-)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:21pm

  804. 804: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay siren song:)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:33pm

  805. 805: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    as soon as i decided to turn my attention away from the ‘urgency’ i felt to respond to him, and back towards myself, i felt much more peaceful and happy.


    i do have the right not to be responsible for other people’s confidence and happiness.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:34pm

  806. 806: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Bloom-ing, Zara
    I did express that to them and felt confident that we were on the same page.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:34pm

  807. 807: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i wonder what rori would say about the letter he sent me

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:38pm

  808. 808: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    starla……i’m dying laughing… that guy, eh ?

    anywayz i definitely wouldn’t censor yourself : )

    i’d be like. ” ahhh…. i feel so small with that big question crashing down on me….. i hear you asking me if i feel a “spark” between us…. hmmmm… i like imagining romance as a spark… & good romance like a nice, welcoming camp fire……. : ) & i feel like a blind man being asked if there is a fire……… maybe i can say…. i think i smell smoke…. : ) but there’s no telling *if* there is fire….. or, if there is, what kind of fire it is!! so….. i suppose i might feel better being asked if i want to go on a scouting trip, to investigate the conditions & from there we can evaluate the fire potential : )))”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:40pm

  809. 809: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    omg i really made that metaphor “work” for me lol…

    wuh-CHHH – that’s a whip-crack sound : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:42pm

  810. 810: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Memulo says:

    To get a restraining order for a man a woman just has to say she is scared of him. That’s all;)”

    The court decides on the evidence Memulo.
    And unless you were in court how do you know what the evidence was?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:44pm

  811. 811: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl – #768 – Yes I understood this. I would still encourage someone in this kind of situation to remove themselves instead.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:44pm

  812. 812: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    bloom, it’s a kickass metaphor, BAM

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:46pm

  813. 813: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    ((((dominique)))) i intend to live my life more in that way…… what would a flower do ? no “way” to attack.. no “way” to defend…… but it will turn its face away from the wind & into the sun : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:51pm

  814. 814: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mm i am a flower :)

    i was coming to write ive been faking it till im making it for so long now that i might just make it :)

    to happiness

    to having enough money

    to freedom

    to safety

    to love

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:54pm

  815. 815: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – I would say, “yikes” to a letter like this. It feels pink flaggy to me, not necessarily red, not yet anyway. Like you said it’s way too soon to know anything.

    Yes men tend to “know” quickly, but to write a letter like this after two dates, yikes. I too would feel overwhelmed if not icky, flattered sure, but mostly wary.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:56pm

  816. 816: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ty Dominique.
    That makes perfect sense to me that is is about attracting the right man for us.

    And the right man for me will not want to have female friends and socialize with them chat etc unless we are socializing as a couple.

    And for another woman this may not be a deal breaker.

    I know this in my heart and soul really.
    I just stopped trusting my instincts for a moment.

    I want to always trust my instincts.
    They have not let me down yet.
    What has let me down is listening to reason and being talked into things, trying to be understanding, reasonable, compromising, nice and not trusting my inner guidance.

    Since doing the tools I do my best to stick to my boundaries and not get drawn into giving my reasons I do get called unreasonable.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:57pm

  817. 817: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    yum, daria! F-yes!!!! hoorah i want that too : )))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:57pm

  818. 818: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ty flower girl.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:58pm

  819. 819: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    bloom-ing – I love this…


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 2:59pm

  820. 820: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lol mmm hehe i feel overwhelemed… ack… i feel sooo uncomfortable accck i feel myuself turning red and getting pinched all over this feels like too much i feel my pussy jumping and i dont want to feel like that with this man i feel eikk i feel away hard wall away from me UGH I dont know you I EEL ANGR”Y!!!!!

    how dare you energetically touch my pussy ====













    TURN ON ==== > RUN AWAY





    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:00pm

  821. 821: BelleNo Gravatar says:

    omg omg omg I totally feel like a RockStar…

    I had more exchanges with obnoxious, evil, controlling Ex memories, and once I started saying things like, “I don’t care if it’s okay if I want to cut your head off, I just want to do it and not care if you care and not care what happens to you and not care if I have your consent. But I don’t want to lose your approval and I don’t want you to stop liking me, I don’t want you to be afraid of me and I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.”

    Oh, goodness, I have been laughing and laughing and laughing.

    I had a long cuddle with myself on the couch and got loved up by my big beautiful inner protector male who always says the right things and makes me laugh and never violates my boundaries (he’s awesome! I think we all have imaginary inner males but we use them to be mean to ourselves I finally decided mine was going to be exactly what I want!) and I feel bubbly and sensual and giggly and loved up and cherished and I still feel physically like I got hit by a truck but I don’t care and I’m going to go for a walk in the rain now.

    I feel quite mischievous and impish :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:03pm

  822. 822: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:


    808 – Utterly brilliant!!! I feel curious…Are you lk in disguise??

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:06pm

  823. 823: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thank you dominique. maybe i could tell him the letter made me feel kinda “yikes”

    but i don’t think he would get it.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:06pm

  824. 824: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    feeling my own lovely trigger..

    my silly man just said

    ” I should be home around six. If you get home before me the dishes in the washer are clean and can be put away; thanks love. See you soon! ”

    i’m like…..omg dude you forgot the direct-address comma (no biggie – like everyone does that)… & i’m like OMG when i get home i’m gonna ….. take my shoes off…… relaxxxxxxx….. play some music… pet the animals……. pick out a comfy outfit that makes me feel Hot : ) ……….. open a beer……………………. then like 20 min after that comes a point where i’d think to myself “what about the litter box ? has the disher been run?”

    & i love myself too much to worry about what he “might mean” by that…..

    although i did respond to his email with my instant trigger-finger reaction lol….

    “WOMAN GET IN THE KITCHEN! lol see you soon : )”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:08pm

  825. 825: Dancing SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I am finding it hard to lean back at the moment.

    I am noticing that I am feeling quite a lot of anxiety at the moment and seem to be swinging wildy in and out of the relationship.

    I am trying to remember to bring it back to me and process my feelings without necessarily brining him into the whirlwind (unless he asks to come in).

    I am also aware just how much I seem to be using this situation to learn about how *I* feel about dru8gs and alcohol now, and whether these are things I want in my life at all anymore.

    It feels like a temultous time emotionally. However I am sure it will all turn out ok.

    I find keeping the focus on me, and having my own social life are the most challenging things for me.

    I would actually feel perfectly content just having my relationship (the one I want :-) ) and my family close by too, my work that I love, and then just going out to meet a girlfriend for lunch or an evening out from time to time, and being a home bod the rest of the time.

    I suppose there is nothing wrong with that and yet it doesn’t quite fulful C-dating and having your own fabulousm busy life requirements I don’t think!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:10pm

  826. 826: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    ” ReceivingGirl says

    @714 Annie

    Yes, I do know. However, I’ve been contemplating whether I should continue to share information on a public forum that could potentially be found. So, I’m considering limiting my sharing.

    He is protecting himself by setting boundaries and working with his lawyer.”

    Fair enough RG, if that is what you think is best.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:12pm

  827. 827: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    actually, though, i can think of a hundred million “reasons” why his man-brain would write that utterly non-romantic note to me…… & now i’m seeing it like a valentine : ) awwww sweeet i’m even imagining that he wrote it to me on special paper with a doily & those cupid stickers my mama had when i was little : ))) awww he’s so sweet lol i do see the romance in it from his perspective – it’s all love…

    “it’s all love… help yourself” : )

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:13pm

  828. 828: Jessie1000No Gravatar says:

    Lol Starbright…yah you got it bryon Katie! Love her…ive been unthinking all the sh** that runs through my head all day….
    None of it is true lol

    Funny thing is I went on a date last week to the beach with a sexy guy and he so creeped me out…he wanted to marry me and didnt believe in girl friend boy friend…he wanted to move into my townhouse right away with our sons….calling my sons his sons…he has two boys too…hes a policeman but not working right now

    I thought he would act cool and laid back but he is exactly the kind of guy that makes me like the unavailables…lol

    He kept telling me Im beautiful and how serious he was and how he was going to kiss me and started holding my arms and trying to make me kiss him…he was so creepy…I almost punched him in the face….I seem to have the extremes …either a commitment phobe that I adore or a handful of the wierdys….

    I told him if he touched me one more time that I was going to make him very sorry that he was born and he stopped….lol

    Hes still texting…the agressive ones never get it….his texts are always…hey! why I sent u so many messages and u dont text back…is he mental?

    His ex must be one sorry person to have married a dude like that….he has 3 boys and 3 marriages…lol
    at least that was one thing I liked about him….half the guys on pof are like 45 and their longest relationship was 1 year! Like omg what were u doing for all ur life?

    Another POF constantly messages me to have sex with me and is like 26~!~~~~!!!!
    Like Yikes…he is so sure Im going to love it and keeps telling me he will do anything to come over and ravage me and would I consider a relationship with him!!! Omg even worse…!! not just a friends with benefits–his name is alex billionaire!!! omg he is so funny

    Last most significant POF dude that I actually bothered to meet is a guy from Portugal who I have the best best best conversations but Im not attracted to him at all>>>Yuck at all…he laughs and laughs at everything I say…I feel funny when I talk to him…we talk about the time I drunk dialed my landlord and it was so embarassing and he laughed so hard that I should have been a stand up comedian…lol but Im physically grossed out by him omg

    Oh well…There are some wierdos out there and maybe its not just the unavailables I like…but maybe Im just shallow…cause My Beau was so hot and so coool and so laid back and sexy omg….

    Yuck. obsessing again.
    Kisses girls

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:15pm

  829. 829: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – #822 – It doesn’t matter if he gets it. This is for you.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:16pm

  830. 830: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    okay dominique

    i feel confused
    i don’t know how to respond
    i actually get a lot of this needy guy cr*p in my life.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:21pm

  831. 831: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    do i need to give it a context, like ‘after only knowing each other a week’

    i kinda wanna say “after only knowing each other for about a week, it doesn’t matter what my answer would be, getting a letter like this just makes me feel ‘yikes’.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:23pm

  832. 832: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i guess what i’m trying to say is even if i thought he was the man of my dreams, it wouldn’t matter. because getting a letter like that after just a couple of dates makes me just go ummm yikes

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:27pm

  833. 833: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #810 Annie,

    The court didn’t take place yet. I don’t know what the evidence is. What can it be?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:35pm

  834. 834: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    i do feel curious if maybe we’re all mis-reading him… like…….. maybe he didn’t mean it to come across so Starla-eyed lol…. & maybe he was just TRYING to ask, “oh, so, i think i offended you….. ummm…. are you saying you were a little offended, but you still “like” me ? or were you using that “offended” as an excuse because you never “like-d” me? & thus i would totally back off”

    lol it’s still a little “lame” hahah…. UM yes but less scary : ))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:39pm

  835. 835: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    bloom, maybe, but i’m not psychic andi refuse to read a completely different letter in between the lines of the words he gave me, cuz that would feel seriously draining.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:42pm

  836. 836: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I think next time I see him I will ask what place I have in his life. After 6 months I have to have this conversation. Just need to prepare a good script.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:45pm

  837. 837: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    he’s seriously going to freak out because after work i am going to visit my friend and give her a present i got for her and i won’t be home until late and i won’t have time to write him back

    and he’ll probably text me all worried later

    i really don’t want this kind of dynamic, ladies. THIS is not what i’m looking for.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:45pm

  838. 838: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:


    What if you say, I feel a letter like this is a little awkward after 2 dates. We barely know each other and I would feel more comfortable if we just lived in the moment and see where that takes us.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:45pm

  839. 839: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – How about, “I feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to answer this. It would feel better to let things unfold as they do.”


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:46pm

  840. 840: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:


    i am re-born : ) lol

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:46pm

  841. 841: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @811 Dominique

    How would one remove themselves when fighting for their rights as a father in a court case? I think I am missing something.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:47pm

  842. 842: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    FW & Starla

    I agree with not being the victim. :)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:50pm

  843. 843: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    837, 838 rebecca and dominique, you girls are linked into each other hehehe

    thank you, that is what i will do <3

    love you ladies

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:52pm

  844. 844: ReceivingGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Jessie it’s good to see your posts. :) I’ve noticed the same thing about POF. I’ve seen longest relationship less than 3 months..yikes!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:52pm

  845. 845: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Interesting eh Memulo. How dofferent we think

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:57pm

  846. 846: Dancing SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Can I ask what you ladies think about sharing a long and wordy e-mail with my man, about stuff thats not really related to the relationship.

    Its about some personal stuff I am dealing with and how I feel about that. And there is some overspill into the relationship, or impact from these issues, but it is not directly about the relationship.

    I feel like I want to share it. Its about me.

    And it may or may not deepen the relationship.

    But I would feel good, if a little nervous sharing it.

    And also worried about putting him off cus it is so long and wordy any rambly.

    Any ideas?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:58pm

  847. 847: AnnieNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:58pm

  848. 848: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Wow thanks ladies, I feel so welcomed and the feed back is great. I guess I am not alone in this….Siren Song I relate to your story and childhood experiences. It is hard to move on, shift and make healthier choices but I am willing to work at it.

    Thanks Rori and Esteemed as well:)

    I feel happy:)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:58pm

  849. 849: New SirenNo Gravatar says:

    Wow thanks ladies, I feel so welcomed and the feed back is great. I guess I am not alone in this….Siren Song I relate to your story and childhood experiences. It is hard to move on, shift and make healthier choices but I am willing to work at it.

    Thanks Rori and Esteemed as well:)

    I feel happy:)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:58pm

  850. 850: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Receiving Girl – I’m sorry. Talking in generals here. In a case such as this, you would need to calmly and quietly keep repeating the truth as you see it, over and over again like a broken record if you will. In any court case as far as I know, it’s all about preponderance of evidence whether in the form of documents or reliable witnesses. Any phone calls, especially those that sound threatening or aggressive could be recorded and submitted.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:58pm

  851. 851: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ahh he emailed me again lol
    but this time it wasn’t scary, it was just saying to have a good night and that he’s done working for the day and gonna go look at houses with his realtor and to feel free to text him or call him and that he would like to see me friday if i’m free.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 3:59pm

  852. 852: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    he also said “have a good night if i don’t talk to you!”

    i wonder if he means it, or if i don’t respond, he’ll just keep contacting me and contacting me

    i wonder if i should, you know, test this?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:01pm

  853. 853: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo Rori says to ask “What dO you see for us” down the road? I will look for more and post later.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:02pm

  854. 854: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow Starla,

    You totally GOT him! I would be really annoyed if it was me.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:03pm

  855. 855: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    hey starla,

    that would feel WAY TOO intense for me.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:05pm

  856. 856: JasmineNo Gravatar says:

    He seems like too much to handle.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:06pm

  857. 857: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    hey starla, i’m behind on the blog…where did you meet CL?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:10pm

  858. 858: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:


    CL just sounds like he really, really likes you. Maybe he’s feeling a bit overwelmed himself…

    I’ve been in the situation where I’ve over communicated with someone. He just likes you and is hoping you feel that same. That’s what I’m picking up.

    Can you see that he just thinks you are totally awesome?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:11pm

  859. 859: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Annie.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:15pm

  860. 860: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yes, i can see it

    and i don’t want to get involved with a man that needs reassurance at that level.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:16pm

  861. 861: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so amazed at how hurt I am over this.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

  862. 862: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    and i can also see this triggers me in a disproportionate way, and i’m going to work through these triggers.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

  863. 863: StarlaNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:18pm

  864. 864: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Emoticon have you looked into yourself to really feel what hurt means.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:20pm

  865. 865: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies, feeling a bit disconnected, been so busy today!!
    I just made another step…I feel happy for being more centered again and I just did send MrU a reply to his email from the other day.
    I came clean that I never felt really wanted and felt angry and upset at the references to other women. I also thanked him for yet more advice and help and told him it made me feel happy and safe to know someone is still heping me fulfil my dream.
    And that’s it.

    Most likely I will get triggered this week with some facebook comments or photos of outings on our common friend’s page…and if it is too bad, I might just go back to the no friends and no contact.

    Right now I feel relieved and brave for experimenting and honouring my feelings and I would be quite happy if I did not hear from him – have no investment right now. Cool.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:21pm

  866. 866: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    FW what do u mean?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:23pm

  867. 867: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hurt can mean anything so if it were me I would put my attention into myself and ask what am I really feeling? What is the most loving action I can take on my behalf?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:26pm

  868. 868: siren songNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:26pm

  869. 869: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW.

    I really don’t know what to do, but a good thing is that I don’t think I will hear from him soon:) Just hope if I don’t ask what’s going on I won’t be seen as indifferent.

    I may say that I have feelings towards him and I enjoy our time together a lot, and also that I am looking for a dream romantic relationship. the dream can involve hardships on both sides unfortunately, but it will have a real connection and love. This is what will make me happy and this is what I want for myself. What about him, what does he want?

    It just feels stupid to have this conversation when he just ‘lost’ the child on his bday.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:29pm

  870. 870: siren songNo Gravatar says:

    and, also, if i may FW and emoticon, suggest you ask yourself what you’re saying to or about yourself that might be causing the pain.

    when i feel hurt i’m often hurting myself by telling myself something that’s not true or is mean…

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:30pm

  871. 871: ZaraNo Gravatar says:


    Dear Cl,

    I feel appreciative of the lovely compliments and I enjoyed the few hours shared with you. I felt easy breezy which is such a turn on for me.
    Yet I feel deceived to be asked to mother your confidence level. It does not feel romantic and I feel pressured.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:36pm

  872. 872: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I have noticed that I don’t feel sad when I am away from home and away from my neighbour. He is leaving soon, thank goodness…. ((((((me))))))

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 4:38pm

  873. 873: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    #869 Siren Song,

    This is so true, I am telling myself that he is not as passionate about me as he used to be and he is not calling me every other day like he used to call even when I was away for a month in another country and I don’t know how I let it slip, I don’t see this click looking back

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:06pm

  874. 874: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    omg i keep getting these horrible flashbacks today of horrible things (((self))) some are things “done to” me… some are things i “did”………. cr8zy. even the things i “did” – i can see how my motives were really pure….. just turned inward upon myself in pain…… really strange… (((self))) hmm i’m getting a lot of compassion for this …. compassion towards others – in the past, future & Now; & compassion toward myself – trans-time – i don’t know the word for that… pan-chronistic-ally ? lol…. help thank you

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:11pm

  875. 875: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I just feel really sad like I just lost a really important game. I’m really angry like I want to send an angry text message but I kno that it won’t help me to harass him.

    I even went to his twitter n he’s been tweeting n everything.

    What I forgot to add is that I actually tried to call him yesterday n he txted me about a couple hours later n then said he saw my call but he was cooking. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but right now I’m just really mad.

    I feel really insecure now about sleeping with anybody because I’m scared they’re just gonna disappear after that happens.

    I feel really disposable. I feel like no one sees my soul, just the body and it’s really important to me that people see my soul, my personality and ALL of me. Not just the physical beauty but everything underneath.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:13pm

  876. 876: MemuloNo Gravatar says:


    You don’t need to contact him anymore, make him wonder! And he will;)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:17pm

  877. 877: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Memulo. I was an expert at doing that in my teens- if something felt bad I just vanished. Leaning towards going back to being that girl.

    I’ve been crying about it a lot but I can handle it without saying a thing to him.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:28pm

  878. 878: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:


    I believe these feelings are helping to find clarity about what sex means to you so you can communicate about it.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:41pm

  879. 879: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The cooking comment sounds very typical of a lot of guys. In my opinion, especially those who are protective of their freedom. When they are focussed on what they are doing NOTHING will distract them from their mission. Unfortunately, your timing was off.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:45pm

  880. 880: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    CCarter eBook

    The Science of Emotions

    You might not believe it, but a large percentage of people’s actions and behaviors are “pre-programmed” reactions to the things going on around them. How they react to people and situations is often determined long before the situation comes about.

    So what does this have to do with catching and keeping a man?

    To put it simply, your love life or your relationship with a man is the ultimate high intensity and high importance environment that cues your mind and body up for a “fight or flight” response.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 5:51pm

  881. 881: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Dancing Siren I wouldn’t share it if I am nervous. Reason being he might get nervous too. Some CCarter stuff:-

    If you’ve had a stressful and disappong day, wait a while before “dumping” on your man when you first get together with him. Instead, be lighthearted and relaxed and let him know you’re happy to be with him (after all, he’s not the cause of your problems) Chances are you won’t feel quite so whiny and negative if you just give yourself an hour or so to relax and take things in for yourself before telling him about all your thoughts, feelings or problems.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:01pm

  882. 882: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ok i responded to CL and let him know i was feeling overwhelmed by the letter so i feel unsure of how to and a little reluctant to respond to it, and that it would feel better to just let things unfold as they do.

    jasmine, i met him off of craigslist

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:02pm

  883. 883: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I keep thinking about CF and how he didn’t even check on me to see how i was doing when i got rejected from grad school. he just isn’t that caring of a man. he seemed caring, but it’s limiting.

    i hear about all these break ups where the dumpers at least check up on the dumpees to see how theyre doing in hard times/after the breakout. i have not been given that luxury. worst breakup ever. seriously. and i really did deserve better.

    i wish i could stop wanting him.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:09pm

  884. 884: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel really freaking sad. and i went out and bought my best friend some baby books and had them gift wrapped to give to her, but she doesn’t want to see me… and i haven’t seen her since the accident and would just like to see her… and i know it’s not personal at all but it makes me feel sad
    and i had a gut feeling when i bought the books that they would be received as a burden today, i don’t know why.

    i feel lonely and sad and needy and like there’s a hole in me i need to fill.

    i’m going to get in the shower and see if that makes me feel any better.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:15pm

  885. 885: uliiNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:16pm

  886. 886: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    And so – a man who honestly tells us he is withdrawing – for WHATEVER reason, gets treated with warmth, openness, trust, belief that he’s doing what he feels he needs to do and has no ulterior motive or intent to hurt us or confuse us – and that we really don’t NEED any CLARIFICATION!!!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:17pm

  887. 887: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    CL wrote back, he said
    “Ha OK I hear ya. I thought that may be a bad question, I was just interested to know! But it makes total sense what you’re saying. Haha I’m sorry for such an awkward day. My inexperience in this relationship thing is starting to show. And I feel really appreciative that you’ve been understanding. Just got done looking at houses. Didn’t see anything amazing yet, but lots of nice ideas. I hope you’re having a good night!”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:19pm

  888. 888: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The main problem is the need to have a discussion about what your relationship IS – not what it ISN’T.

    Yes, it isn’t marriage-bound at the moment – but how about you ask him simply what he sees? Does he see you living in the same house? Traveling together? Or does he just like things the way they are? He lives where he lives, you live where you live, and you see each other often?

    And – before you even get into the future – how about the NOW? Is seeing a man exclusively only on his days off enough for you? Do you long for touch and companionship on the rest of the days? After 9 months – seeing him 2 times a week, if that’s what this boils down to, perhaps simply isn’t enough for you. (It wouldn’t be for me…but it might be PERFECT for another woman, who loves having all that time to herself and then a devoted, loving boyfriend and sex twice a week.)

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:21pm

  889. 889: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    I have been feeling better today, although thought I’d start straight missing NZ cd after deleting him from my Skype. But I didn’t. Actually I was quite busy doing other stuff, and felt too tired and not inspired to write him any kind of explanation (with FMs or without)…
    Like already detaching a bit from him.
    But I received a mail from him just now with the title “I’ve seen you have deleted me”. And I don’t feel like reading it right now.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:25pm

  890. 890: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Starla
    I feel similarity to you a bit having also many guys going overly apologetic and so worried about some little upset reaction from me. And I have not always been able to get myself together to answer in a feeling-message way, which I think you did wonderfully. I have just got angry ant them. But this keeps happening to me too, so I guess it’s for me to learn something. CL sounds a bit inexperienced and insecure… and a bit self-centered in his ranting. But I liked the last answer, where he seemed more “together” already. But all this haha & hehe & jejeje would be a huge trigger to me too. Although I might myself overuse all the “smiley” stuff.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:37pm

  891. 891: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The truth is, and it is a sorry truth, that most men are put off by a woman who offers ANYTHING until they’ve committed to her completely. You can say it’s not so – but I believe that on some level, conscious or not, you’re wired that way – and it dampens the sexual pull. Rori

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:38pm

  892. 892: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m making my POF profile but I feel kind of stumped as to what to say here. I was thinking of just doing a “things that make me happy” list or something

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:39pm

  893. 893: Mel (weight issue)No Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies,
    Sorry for the confusion with the two Mel’s. I’ve now changed my username to Mel (weight issue) haha. Things haven’t really improved at all. Still feeling very exhausted and painful. Communication is struggling and continually fighting. Finding it hard to have a normal conversation with him, again it’s always ending in yelling and screaming (generally from me).
    Comment 51 in this thread – there have been comments made about my weight. The other day he opened up and told me he doesn’t find me ‘sexually attractive’ anymore. It’s been bringing him down. Problem is I know I’m an emotional eater and when comments like that are made the last thing I want to do is jump on the treadmill.
    I’m confused, because when we first met I was 8 kilo’s heavier than I am now, did he think that then? I am not an obese person, I only have about 10 kilo’s more to lose until I’m down to my goal/healthy weight range. He has admitted he has pulled himself away from me, and not given me as much affection as he used to because of this.
    I really need some advice and can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Look forward to hearing from anyone. Thanks

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:45pm

  894. 894: uliiNo Gravatar says:



    You are so special Siren, already in a really young age!!! And a great singer! No man’s lack of attention is going to make you any less.

    ” it’s really important to me that people see my soul, my personality and ALL of me. Not just the physical beauty but everything underneath. ”

    Really beautifully said. I want that too.
    And I agree with Memulo in 875.. no contact & to make him wonder would be what I’d too in such situation.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:45pm

  895. 895: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Let me know how Rolling Your Arms works for you (oh…though you’ll find so many body-related Tools in all my programs — I was asked specifically about this, so…my full “Body Dialogues,” where I walk you through a process I learned long ago to get yourself into a beautiful relationship with your body, is in my Heart Connection Toolkit) — it’s such a simple thing to do, and very often, our shoulders are the key to unwinding all the tension in our bodies and clearing up our “vibe.”

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:50pm

  896. 896: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ 890 Femininewoman

    I feel a bit confused about that Rori’s comment you forwarded. Is it saying that we should withhold sex until marriage (or whatever would be the “complete commitment” to any woman)? But wasn’t that she has said it’s giving it too much importance? I feel puzzled also about what “offer ANYTHING” means.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:52pm

  897. 897: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    tinque says:
    I don’t want to be contrary, but I need to go about it differently. I hold the most tension in my solar plexus, (the seat of power or perceived lack thereof). I doesn’t even work for me to ask that area to let go.
    I hold my breath gently focusing on the solar plexus. I let it out slowly, again gently, but I release starting in my womb or even lower from the labia, and as the breath releases, the solar plexus unfolds and rolls sideways which in turn relaxes the sides or lats, and then my midback softens allowing the shoulders to drop back and fall into place and my neck to realign.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:53pm

  898. 898: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Ulli thank you.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:54pm

  899. 899: uliiNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tam

    I read about how your situation is unfolding here the last few days and I feel amazed of your process.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:58pm

  900. 900: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I take it as relating to finances.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 6:59pm

  901. 901: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    now CL is texting me, “Hey you…hope you had a good night! Missed talking to you! Thanks for being so chill through my obviously awkward day. You da man! Haha. Woman I guess hahaha”

    yeah, you said that when you emailed me a little while ago.

    this is getting to be a bit much. I want to shake him and scream “MAN UP. STOP BEING SO INSECURE”

    he told me his last girlfriend was really mean to him because he wasn’t a “player” and that bothered her. She wanted him to act differently in a way that made her more attracted. But I am starting to sympathize with her.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:02pm

  902. 902: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Well, here I am again. In the pain zone. It feels awful…
    3 close friends (of his too) came for my birthday dinner. And he bailed without even saying hello. And came back at 10 pm with take out.
    He has been in his office with door shut, and I have been in my room. But at he came over to ask what he should by for dinner–like everything is normal.
    He brought home sushi and rock cod. I cooked it but didn’t eat much i can’t i have no appetite.
    I know he is still pursuing his skanky tenant’s ex-girlfriend.
    Here is the thing–I know Rori says we can fix things without leaving. Just use tools.
    But–I am not sure that applies in this situation. We are not married and he is chasing some woman.
    Our annual summer bash is on the 28th and we have 100 people coming (not her).
    I know I shouldn’t have but I asked the tenant why he broke up with her. He said “oh–she hurt me really bad” “abandoned me when i needed her most” “she is a sweet woman but is damaged, has an icy core.”…
    They broke up and then “got back together” for just a couple of days, during which time she consolidated her run on my man. They would chat, and, though she was consistently rude to me (refused to acknowledge me) I thought little of it. I am not a cop…
    He has money, she has a crappy little job–I think she orchestrated the whole thing and he can’t see it.
    So–Do I stay and use tools even though I feel crushed, or do I leave as immediately as possible, staying with friends until the party and then disappearing?
    I have a lot of packing to do in that case.
    Just let them have each other–no let’s be friends–no forwarding address…
    What do the sirens think?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:04pm

  903. 903: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Mel weight issue – I’m going to take a wild guess here that it isn’t the weight, it’s the fighting. If you’re yelling and screaming – I need you to go back to the ebook Have The Relationship You Want, and REALLY get into Feeling Messages and the chapter on Negotiation, and the 4 Rules. If you’re an “emotional eater” – that means you’re using food to stuff down your feelings – and stuffing down your feelings severely takes away attraction. It causes tension inside us, it doesn’t help anything.

    Please, please forget about HIM for now and go take care of yourself. If you think Overeater’s Anonymous might help you (12 Step is pretty great) – go to a meeting (it’s not about the “weight” – it’s about the pattern you want to change…). Read Andrea Albright and Jena LaFlame on how to use food for PLEASURE, not for stuffing down feelings, and use my tools and eating guidelines (no sugar, no gluten) – to use self-discipline to start feeling more in control of yourself, and therefore feel freer to FEEL your feelings and express them in a better way than fighting and yelling. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:05pm

  904. 904: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Belle – thank you, thank you for this gorgeous and brilliant comment…I’m going to publish it as a post so everyone who comes here can see it…Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:06pm

  905. 905: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Mel eight issue, I feel really triggered identifying you by your weight issue. I don’t want to have to say Mel weight issue, can please say melly mel

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:25pm

  906. 906: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    omg, how mortifying, POF actually automatically sends emails to you with the subject “[username] wants to meet you!” when your interests match up. This means CF is going to get an email that says I want to meet him. I hope he realizes this is automatic and not me trying to “poke” him:(

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:27pm

  907. 907: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    I couldn’t even type Mel weight issue, I said eight issue lol

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:28pm

  908. 908: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    Starla are you sure it’s when your interests match up or when someone views your profile. I kept getting that email and would not like men getting emails saying that I want to meet them.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:31pm

  909. 909: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    wow! before i even got my pictures uploaded, I have 4 messages.


    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:33pm

  910. 910: EmoticonNo Gravatar says:

    So the guy I have been talking about today send a text message half an hour ago saying “hello love how was your day?”

    I did not feel incline to respond so I didn’t
    Amazingly I don’t feel inclined to speak to any of ode CDs that I have had sex with. Let’s see how long this lasts.

    I should give him a blog name. Like Mr.Affectionnate

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:38pm

  911. 911: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    holy. sh*t. POF is my new best friend.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:39pm

  912. 912: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    If leaving and cutting of contact is the only way, do I literally leave without a word or a trace, while he is out at the store?
    Or do I tell me “I know you are chasing Doug’s ex-girlfriend, and I feel crushed…
    I am going to leave after the party, and we won’t be “friends’
    We already talked last week and I then planned to go to Australia and leave in October. He didn’t cop to the other woman, though the door was wide open. He is acting normal (for his negative phase) keeps accusing me off vibing him.
    I am sure he thinks i will forget all about it.
    And he can accelerate his new dating thing without a wimper from me–and keep his daily companion and domestic partner.
    Should i try to outplay her and if so how?
    All my friends can do is call him names, they can’t understand what I’m really asking, or what I really want.
    Now–this man may not be right for me, and he might not be right for anyone–but that doesn’t take away the pain.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:40pm

  913. 913: Melly MelNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, there it is. Melly Mel (formally weight issue). I don’t think you are understanding the severity of the issues here. I’ll list some comments for you: ‘everyone else has a hot wife why can’t I?’ (we are not married). ‘Put a bra on, they’re too big and they’re scaring me’ said jokingly as I was chaning to get into bed at night. During an intimate moment ‘put a bra on’ said as though he was really frustrated. He’s made comments in front of my family about eating, which they have all noticed. I have told him I don’t want to put up with this behaviour. I’m wondering if it’s even worth staying with someone that can say these things and then say I know it’s wrong. I don’t think I can get past these comments, even when he gives me compliments. Rori – I will go back and read the chapters you’ve suggested. I’m honestly questioning if this is the future I want for myself. What happens if we do have children. Am i going to be a hormonal wreck with him standing there telling me I’ve let myself go?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:53pm

  914. 914: Melly MelNo Gravatar says:

    Just to let you know, I’m 160cm and currently weigh 76 kgs. When I say I’m an emotional eater I’m not letting what he’s saying effect me by eater, however I am feeling depressed, unloved and unhappy because of these comments.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 7:57pm

  915. 915: bloom-ingNo Gravatar says:

    miss bells, i feel curious if you are sure he is pursuing another woman ? you say he denied it ?

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:05pm

  916. 916: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    seriously, 12 guys have messaged me, all of them specifically talking to me and no garbage copied and pasted messages. This feels crazy! I’ve had a profile for less than an hour.

    I’m sure it will slow down when I’m not so new to the site. But some of these guys seem cute/nice. Cool!

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:10pm

  917. 917: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Our phones look alike. I grabbed his and called voice mail: “hi this is Jeanette (name of tenant’s ex) –I got the passport! (Giggle) “they had a book kind and some other kind, and I got the book kind. Email me if this was right!!”
    This right after he was suddenly looking for his Caribbean maps. And I KNOW he took her sailing with the one friend he never introduced me to.
    I have lived here 5 years, and have known him 26 years. Losing the friendship will hurt both of us.
    When she used to come here to see the trailer tenant, she wouldn’t respond if I spoke to her, but always chatted up HS. I got this feeling she resented me being in the big house. I am sure he tells her I am “just a house mate” leaving out the fact that we have been partners on and off for years.
    He did this last summer and I left but he stopped seeing that woman and sucked me back in.

    Wednesday, 18 July 2012 @ 8:39pm

  918. 918: Miss Bells