“Hi Rori. I have been in a “situation” with a man for 3 and a half years. I say situation because it’s not a committed relationship by his request. Toward the beginning we dated and were exclusive- talked about moving closer to one another (we live about 90 miles apart) and even marriage. But then we broke up because he said he asked God if I was “the one” for him and he feels he didn’t get a yes answer.
He said it was nothing I did wrong but he didn’t want to continue if it wasn’t going to lead to marriage. Also, he’s 7 years younger than me and feels we might not be able to have as many children as he’d like (I’m 36). He’s also still trying to get himself established financially, although he has a good job and has bought a house in the last year. I know his place in life is part of this though. Despite the break up, we have continued to see each other for 3 years and have even grown closer. He drives down to visit 2-3 weekends a month. We take trips together and talk every day.
We’ve been through quite a lot and but very few major problems between us. We almost never argue and when we do, we forgive and move on. But still he’s not interested in a committed relationship. I may have dated 1 other person but I don’t really see anyone but him because my heart is with him.
I know he sees other women though. I know now that I have done many things (perhaps everything) wrong in this situation. I see that when I back away from him he moves closer and it’s a dance that I can’t seem to master. He says he loves me but he’s not “in love” right now. I know he cares and he’s a good person but I want more. Is this “situation” salvageable or even worth saving? Shel”
Here’s my answer:
Shel, I welcome you here, and…this is going to be tough. Don’t read further if you don’t want to hear it straight from me (I could be wrong, always…but this is straight from me…), and if you read it, I hope you’ll stick around after this…but…
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???
You are selling yourself down the river, wrecking your life, wasting your time, energy and heart, abusing yourself – and trying to make some kind of reasonable excuse for it – of which there is NONE!!!
There is no sane reason for you to be doing what you are doing.
I don’t care HOW great this man is – to quote Evan Marc Katz from a recent post – he SUCKS!! He sucks because he’s absolutely USELESS to YOU.
I don’t care how “great” you think he is – if he doesn’t love you in the way you desire to be loved, and he isn’t interested in commitment with you – then I absolutely will not allow you to bet your life on this man. It’s a losing bet.
You absolutely must start Circular Dating and drop this man like a hot potato.
If he tries to corral you into seeing him again (men usually do – I mean they don’t want to lose a loyal, wonderful woman who’s happy to crawl along the floor at their feet…), and if you want to date him, too, along with all the other men, that’s fine – but you can’t “fudge” the other men – you REALLY have to date them and allow them into you r life and your heart and PRACTICE all the Tools of mine you have to get home to who YOU are – and if you can’t do that and date him, too – then you MUST drop him!!!
We’ll all help you with this. I know this is tough love – but it is love…I and we CARE about you!! And we want YOU to care about you.
This is your opportunity – your lovely, diamond-studded opportunity to get your self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem back from wherever it disappeared long ago – it BELONGS TO YOU!
This is your chance to finally give a chance to some deserving man who WANTS to love you – forever and ever. And, as hard as it is to believe this (I know it’s true – I talk to professional matchmakers all the time) – there are PLENTY of those men out there. Men who are looking for you so they can love you.
This is your chance to let those men IN. Open your heart, breathe out the thought that this one man is your “only” and make friends with your Horse – the wonderful creature of your own life force that is going to champion you and carry you safely through exciting, turbulent , mysterious, confusing, gorgeous and amazing experiences as you get your Happy Ever After.
I’m holding your tiara for you – take it. Put it on your head. You’re going to need it, because you’re the Queen of your own life, your own hero, and because I have faith in you.