Get Your Subconscious Onboard With Your Desire For Love

I was going through some old papers I’d saved with notes, and found these two lovely pieces..

This one’s a quote from Sandra Beswick, who you may know as one of the great figure skating choreographers, talking about “going for the gold” at major competitions like National, World and Olympic figure skating championships:

“At this point it has nothing to do with technique. It has everything to do with harnessing desire.” …Sandra Beswick

**I don’t know who wrote this next piece, so I can’t even credit it…but I thought it was VERY helpful. (I edited it a bit so it was clearer and step-by-step, but otherwise I consider it a “guest post”):

Beckoning Your Perfect Mate

In order to attract your life partner, you must hold a firm conviction that he exists. As easy as it sounds, most people are not completely convincedthere’s a perfect mate for them.

The mass consciousness covertly feeds this lack of optimism by convincing single women over 40 they are statistically more likely to be struck by lightening or mugged then received a marriage proposal.

Personally we may feel we need to be “perfect” to attract someone.

The thing is: In order to attract your life partner, you must wholeheartedly believe it IS possible!

No matter what you say, all what you think you think, your subconscious can be completely working against you.

You may strongly desire a man (in studies using the art and science of kinesiology, where they do “muscle testing” to find out what’s really going on under our consciousness, results showed less than 60% are sure their mate even exists, and many are only about 25% sure) – and yet, your subconscious may be rejecting the whole idea.

How can you beckon your partner if you only partially believe in him?

It’s important to resonate 100% with the belief your man exists.

To shift your subconscious belief system to complete alignment with your desires and wishes tried these:

(From Rori – I couldn’t find an exact definition of “vital force” – so make it up any way you like!):

1. Get the attention of your subconscious by interfering with one of the automatic body functions it manages — your breath.

2. Slow your breathing by taking 60 inhales and exhales.

2. Hold your hands in front of you, palms facing.

3. Instruct your subconscious to collect and retain vital force between your palms.

4. Create vital force by taking six breaths, inhaling to the count of 10, holding for the count of 10, and reading out to the count of 10.

5. Feel the vital force build between your palms.

6. Instruct your subconscious to release a charge of vital force to your superconscious…

***(From Rori: here’s the wikipedia definition of superconscious:

Higher consciousness, also called Super consciousness (Yoga), objective consciousness (Gurdjieff), Buddhic consciousness (Theosophy), Cosmic consciousness, God-consciousness (Sufism and Hinduism),Christ consciousness (New Thought) and are expressions used in various spiritual traditions to denote the consciousness of a human being who has reached a higher level of evolutionary development and who has come to know reality as it is (Sanskrit: Yatha bhuta).

Here’s the link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higher_consciousness

***continuing: …

…6. Instruct your subconscious to release a charge of vital force to your superconscious… telling your superconscious to use the energy to complete the following request:

>> Say 10 times with conviction: “I align 100% with the idea that my perfect man, my perfect life mate exists.”

7. After you have stated this 10 times, close your eyes and envision the outline of an indistinguishable male figure surrounded in green light.

>>Imagine he’s coming toward you.

>>As he approaches, extend your hand and visualize the hand of your mate extend to you as well.

>>Place your other hand on your heart.

>>Touch fingers as you connect energetically.

>> Imagine the coursing of energy through your hands and into your heart.

>>Maintain energetic contact for at least one minute.

>> Release contact with your mate.

8. Say: “Although I am releasing your hand in my visualization, I maintain blended with you energetically. I hold that connection in my heart until we physically meet.”

Your energy field now resonates with 100% conviction that there is a perfectly for you support your new vibration and unfettered desire to find your mate.

Let me know if this helps get your whole self on board for love…

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink •

872 Comments to “Get Your Subconscious Onboard With Your Desire For Love”

1: Femininewoman says:

Yayy

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 6:46am
2: Dominique says:

For me it was just a dream, but it was a very vivid, lucid dream, one I sink deeply into almost every night before sleeping.

Even though I had resigned myself to having to be with my ex for always since I couldn’t seem to extricate without threats or begging which broke my resolve (or at least I thought I had resigned myself) apparently the dream was the stronger force.

Since I was unable to leave, I manifested him wanting to end our marriage instead. It was the best gift he could have given me. And my dream man showed up two weeks later (reappeared actually).

So it IS possible. Anything is possible when you believe it with all you have.

xxoo

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 6:48am
3: Femininewoman says:

“in studies using the art and science of kinesiology, where they do “muscle testing” to find out what’s really going on under our consciousness, results showed less than 60% are sure their mate even exists, and many are only about 25% sure)”

I first heard about this concept from Christian
Carter he recommended the book Power vs Force. It was a bit of a difficult read but I walked away more convinced about the power of intention. Once that intention is set it shows up even in our muscles.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 6:50am
4: Queenbee says:

I love this! Didn’t realize how half on board for love I’ve been. Gonna do this. Yay!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:12am
5: Femininewoman says:

“my perfect man, my perfect life mate exists.”

This the belief I have why I can’t sleep with “just anybody”.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:21am
6: Iamabutterfly says:

Whoa. This post makes me feel sad, because my subconscious HAS been sabtaging my desire for love, and it also makes me feel curious and blown away!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:24am
7: sunshinegirl says:

I put one hand on my heart and extended the other…I could imagine him there…just wondered who he is, do I already know him, or if not, when will I meet him? I’m so impatient

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:25am
8: T-Girl says:

Omg love this post.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:37am
9: Angela says:

as a christian woman, this is simply faith in action. The bible says, “faith without works is dead”

so the “work” is the desire and practice (described in the post), which manifests the perfect life partner into being.

some people may think desire is not works but it is. christians may refer to desire as hope. Sometimes desire is even harder than the other work, because it is raw and exposes our soul to the universe.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:51am
10: Emoticon says:

*subscribed

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:11am
11: Heart says:

Wow….that was amazing. I want to do it again

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:14am
12: Pamalam says:

Angela,

I love this “Sometimes desire is even harder than other work, because it is raw and exposes our soul to the universe.”

That’s exactly how I felt doing this exercise…admitting the desire and walking with intention and hope leaves me feeling vulnerable, but I do believe my future husband exists.

Like Femininewoman, I am choosing to honor him by not sleeping with just anyone…which is NOT easy.

Pamalam

P.S. I’ve been gone for a year and a half, but am back for now I a new relationship is burgeoning and I need the collective wisdom of the women here. Hi again!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:23am
13: Rebecca says:

I feel so sad today.. I’m wondering whether to lean forward with this guy I like. I felt a bit off with him when I bumped into him yesterday. But I feel like I am doing all the running. Plus I am scared he will reject the smallest of gestures. Or worse – make fun of me. Gosh, I really want to see him. He seemed quite friendly yesterday – but I don’t know I just don’t trust him. He still glazed over when I started to speak about my problems – and was my authentic self – he soon disappeared at that point. So why do I like him??

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:34am
14: Mel says:

Morning ladies!

I am seeking some opinions/experiences…

My dad loves me very much (and I him). He can be quite protective and intense at times. He loves to give unsolicited advice (LOL) and this clashes with my independent nature. I always listen, but inside I feel all imposed upon and not trusted and like I can’t stick up for myself. I feel like I can never get anything ‘right.’

I find it very difficult to tell him things. It’s like I turn into a little girl again and get all clammed-up and worried that he will not ‘approve.’ My ‘girl’ says it doesn’t matter whether he approves or not… but the little girl does care.

It’s time to tell him I’ve decided to live with Mr A. I feel anxious. I wish I could just say… this is what I’m doing and I feel happy… ta da!

But with him, I always feel the need to be all explain-y and to justify everything and be like “DAAAAAD, I really can make good decisions!

Advice?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:35am
15: Femininewoman says:

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One of my favorite tools is a simple but powerful one that you can use anywhere you are. Whenever you’re around men – and this should be almost everywhere – pay attention to your body language. Chances are you might be leaning forward. This actually shifts your energy into that of a masculine vibe and can prevent a man from approaching you.

But there are many ways you can lean forward — and not just physically. You are leaning forward when you call him to say you’re worried because you haven’t heard from him, and you’re also leaning forward when you send him a text message when he hasn’t called (even if you think you’re just being friendly). You lean forward whenever you have the urge to come closer to a man when what you would really like is for him to make a move.

Whenever you feel the need to make contact like this when he’s not nearby, STOP. Breathe. Focus on something else in your life right away. That’s how you lean back… allowing him the space he needs to COME TO YOU.

You can do this at home, at a party, on the couch while watching a movie. It’s all about allowing a man to reach over and be affectionate, instead of you moving TOWARD him just because you crave his touch and attention. This really works – you’ll be amazed. But you must allow that space by leaning back, staying in your space, and receiving.

And when you find your body leaning forward around a man, really come into your body. Then plant one foot behind the other and lean your body back. This will open your shoulders – and more importantly your heart – and will soften your entire vibe, making you more receptive.

It’s a very subtle move that can have a HUGE impact on your interactions with men.”

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:38am
16: Femininewoman says:

“It’s time to tell him I’ve decided to live with Mr A”.

Why?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:40am
17: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca – “So why do I like him??”

Maybe because subconsciously you want what you can’t have?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:42am
18: Femininewoman says:

Hi Pam welcome back. I remember you.

I have publicly and intentionally started to admit and acknowledge the desire to get the dirty secret out of my system. I used to feel ashamed for having the desire believing I was broken and a good man would not want me.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:46am
19: Mel says:

@FW…

Because I’m changing my address very soon.

He’s going to ask why! Heehee!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:47am
20: Femininewoman says:

I feel sad and shaky now that I have written that. I feel my chest tightening and around my nose tighten up. And yes my tongue. Now it is rising up through my face into my head and I feel like running and crying.

Now I feel shakiness in my stomach.

I have been told from birth that something was wrong with me and I physically manifested people throughout my life to reinforce that belief.

Now I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. I intend to release that belief and reprogram my subconscious.

Even though I feel all this tension and fear I feel open to relaxing my body and changing my beliefs.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:50am
21: Femininewoman says:

Mel I would just let him ask. If you keep reporting to home base like you did as a child you will keep getting parental advice. As a adult think that you are responsible for yourself. Maybe just bring it up when necessary. If you don’t need his blessing or permission to live your life then don’t seek it, is my opinion.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:53am
22: arrowofthyme says:

Awesome.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:57am
23: Mel says:

It just feels a little impersonal to say “I’m moving, here’s my new address” like I was updating my contact info with the post office or something…

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:57am
24: Heart says:

Rebecca – could you write a little more on the conversation where you talked about your problems?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:58am
25: arrowofthyme says:

Im at work and I’m running outside to do this.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:09am
26: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ yes I started to open up about a work situation and how badly I was being treated and how angry and scared I was. I feel like I am being pushed out of the company because one person doesn’t like me ~ and has been very rude to me.

I told him that it was all coming to a head now and that I was super stressed about it and quite literally was dealing with it there and then.

He just seemed not interested and like he didn’t know what to say ~ and he didn’t want tk get involved.

I felt very hurt by this as obviously its a huge part of my life.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:16am
27: lk says:

fw, me too. that belief that fundamentally i am very deeply twisted in my soul & a real man of Symmetry & Light would see the darkness & shield himself from my violent, sucking, sinking waters……… & i do find the siren image helpful for re-framing that…..

like, i imagine how “sirenity” is LIKE – similar to – the mythological creatures who are magnetic & dangerous & irresistible… however, i Choose to be the True Female Partner from the Odyssey, which is Penelope – she is a creative worker, a cunning mind, an independent thinker, a politic leader, a diplomatic matriarch, an efficient manager & a nurturing mother….. she is the woman to whom Odysseus travels toward, undaunted (ok, ok, i have a little romantic revision going on here…. where we skip the Circe interlude, for example…lol)….. & to whom he is ultimately Loyal.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:28am
28: Radlove says:

Hi, I’m on my lunch break at work. I’m flirting with my eyes with my supervisor, who I find very attractive, LOL! I am unsure if he is married. He has no ring, but I guess that doesn’t mean anything.

Heart, thanks for your feedback on my text. Don’t worry, I feel very receptive to constructive criticism – that is the reason I post that personal stuff. I feel vulnerable, but I am working hard on correcting the parts in me that are broken.

I feel confused a lot as to how to interact with men. Like in my mind, I’m using Rori’s tools, stating my feelings, even if they aren’t always positive. So why is that sometimes ok and sometimes not? How do I know when to say that feels yucky or I feel angry, etc.?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:31am
29: lk says:

BUT SHE NEVER GOES LOOKING FOR HIM lol, she just chills & does What She Wants — she’s still the Vessel, the Cup, the Receiving partner, the Prize (wow, is she the Prize – her hall is full of suitors for the entire 10 years Odysseus is away !)

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:31am
30: Radlove says:

Pamalam,

11 – Welcome back! I’ve missed you!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:37am
31: Heart says:

Ok Rebecca – I’m questioning whether you were coming from an Authentic place or whether you were having the vibe of –> “I’m Sharing my problems with you because I’m trying to test you and see if you can be there for me”.

It feels like – from what you wrote and your disappointment that you had an agenda. He could have sensed that and backed away..

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:44am
32: Radlove says:

Receiving Girl,

679 from http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/vocal-attraction-use-your-voice-to-attract-your-partner/ – “Radlove @674 I agree with Heart. I feel sometimes it’s what, or rather, how you talk to R which pushes him away.”

I feel really confused as to how and when to use the feeling messages. Of course no one is going to “like” it if you say “I feel angry”. Yet Rori says to be genuine in the moment. And to not put on a happy, unruffled veneer just to keep a phony phorm of peace.

If you or anyone has any tweaks on my texts to R, I would appreciate it. I felt almost shocked at some of the stuff he said. I mean, one friend had told me at the time of his birthday that it was downright rude to not at least say thank you when someone wishes you a happy birthday, no matter what else is going on.

I try to be positive, and I normally am. How do I not accept second class treatment? I don’t get it. I am really feeling lost as I shift from taking crumbs and downright abusive treatment in the past to accepting only prince-like treatment.

“Is he schizophrenic?”

Yes, it affects him and our relationship in a lot of negative ways at times. He can be up one minute and down the next. It feels confusing and painful at times around him.

You are so good at giving advice to the sirens here. I wonder if you were to go back and read you post as if it was not yours, but one of ours, if you would look at it in a different way.

Thank you, I do that actually. I am more and more closing the gap between my intellect, which is capable of parroting Rori and reasoning objectively, and my emotions, which are really damaged and contain a lot of pain.

“I feel this kind of interaction feeds something inside of you. What is that?”

I want the positive interaction. I feel cringeing when I say I felt angry or frustrated over something. I am doing my best to apply Rori’s tools. I am trying to be true to myself, even when people don’t like it.

Am I supposed to wear the veneer most of the time? I don’t want the negative interactions. The positive interactions with R feed my loneliness as with no other person on earth! He reaches to my heart of hearts and soul of souls like no one else I have ever known. I want to feel intimate with him emotionally and spiritually.

“R is telling you how he feels, but it seems you don’t believe what he says. Why is that?”

I believe what he says in general. but when a man ends the friendship and opens it back up over and over, tens of times, after a while I don’t believe it when he says he is ending the friendship. This is a case in point. In capital letters he is saying go away leave me alone, yet the next night, he is being friendly and open.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:53am
33: Rebecca says:

FW ~ yes, definately a case of wanting what I can’t have. It feels like he is taunting me by dangling the proverbial carrot infront of my face..

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:55am
34: lk says:

rebecca, have you seen the south park episode where kyle’s mom gets a shake weight ? & it’s telling her all the stereotypical things that women want to hear… ?

like, “you’re a strong, independent woman. you look great. you’re amazing.” & then it goes, “tell me about the women you dislike most at work”

LOL… um… so i suspect that a) you have expectations of his behavior & also b) he has experience with this type of conversation with a woman lol : )

what do you think ?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:58am
35: Heart says:

Radlove – you have a hot supervisor to flirt with

Radlove – I think you just need to stick to the basic outline of – I feel I don’t want What do you think?

Instead it seems like your being- I feel Yuky. You didnt responds to my email! I feel bad. K is so much cooler than you! I feel icky. I’m the princess!! (^_^) lol!

You’re not even giving yourself room to – Be Surprised.

Also, it comes across to me….than you went into the converstion with an agenda. The agenda seemed to be: You didn’t respond to me. I felt unloved now I’m here telling all these things because I want you to apologise and make me feel loved.

Of course he’s not going to do it….He felt attacked.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:59am
36: Radlove says:

Heart,

35 – Yikes, you’re right! Thanks for helping me understand my dynamic better.

I went in with not the thought of doing that, but I see that is in effect what I did.

I had sent him the new number, and I shouldn’t have initiated to begin with. He could have emailed me, and he goes to my church. But then after i sent it, it was eating at me, the same feeling I had when I wished him happy birthday (and shouldn’t have!). Ok, another lesson to tuck under my belt. I’m feeling more clear on it. Cringeing at myself.

I love my cringeing. I love my errors. I love my feeling of failure.

I am still a Siren, and I am being more who I want to be by being more self aware.

I vote for me. I love me.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:06am
37: Rebecca says:

Lk ~ yes very insightful! I do feel like that. I think I sense that from him and I am very much feeling like I am falling into that stereotype. Haha it’s funny when its not you ie Kyles mum – but when I see myself like that I just cringe… Is that what you mean? My behaviour is a bit cringeworthy? Bitchy even? Jealous of other women. Not sure if that is your point?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:08am
38: LobbyStar says:

Two messages from new guys on the dating site today.

I feel gun shy.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:08am
39: Emerson says:

I teared up as I read this part:
>>Imagine he’s coming toward you.

>>As he approaches, extend your hand and visualize the hand of your mate extend to you as well.

>>Place your other hand on your heart.

>>Touch fingers as you connect energetically.

((FW))

lk I like reading your posts

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:13am
40: Emoticon says:

My subconcious is too good 4 its own self lol…. 2day i got lost on the way to work and ended up at the Rockefeler center instead. On my way to my actual job… i said i keep getting lost and ending up at yakees stadium and the rockefeler center, maybe thats where i belong.

An hour later my friend texted me and asked me if i wanted to go there tonight to see Chris Brown for free!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:15am
41: Radiant Rising says:

Sitting on pins and needles. Loverboy called me twice yesterday but I missed his calls. He emailed me letting me know he will try to call today in between flights and meetings as he is traveling for work. I feel smiley thinking he’s hopping on flights, jetting off to meetings, I don’t know why. I don’t think I will be able to talk to him today. Tomorrow and Saturday I have to work. I was hoping we’d have the chance to speak as I had something important to share with him. Oh well. There is always tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that…we’ll have our chance to speak.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:16am
42: Heart says:

Radlove – I kinda love your first message to R though…it was a mess but a beautiful mess…Very drunk Rock star- ish.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:18am
43: ReceivingGirl says:

@13 Mel

I can so relate to your post. I feel the same way with my father. He has a need for control and I have a need not to be controlled. I have yet to find good advice for myself, so I am sorry I have nothing to offer you.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:27am
44: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ in my heart (ahem!) I don’t “think” it’s that. I always get disappointed with anyone who cuts me off when I am talking. Even if I was talking about something really trivial. I would suffer masses of disappointment – and always do.

I don’t “think” it’s that. I think I just feel sad because I know he sort of likes me, it’s just not enough to really invest in me… I think.

For me there is a general dispointment that he is NOT interested enough. But also that he doesn’t even try to humour me, or hide it. It’s almost like he is taking pleasure in dismissing me, which I find most upsetting.

He in general is very flirty with me, but then will almost instantly pull back. I find that taunting and hurtful to be honest. I think by now he must know that I like him, so you would think he would show me some respect and stop flirting with me. It is doing my head in. This is why I have started avoiding him.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:28am
45: Emerson says:

Wow Rori…this is amazing and so timely. I was literally thinking on the way home from work about this exact thing….bear with me ladies as this may sound negative but I want to get it out of my system….

Last night as I was driving home I was really really feeling a lil hopeless but wanting to feel hopeful….thinking is the man for me even out there????

My thoughts were, “Emerson, he probably isnt…” and all these thoughts came to me that were so negative like “it’s too late for me…I should have married Mr.Lukewarm from years ago or broken up with ToxicEx sooner blah blah blah….I blew it and ruined my life as far as chances for love.”

It is a familiar script for me. I so want to change this. I prayed in the car for a change or some kind of miracle or shift that I need to make this change inside…

I know those things are not true, but I struggle with this exact thing that I question whether this man is even alive on earth or not!!!

I feel so scared that it’s true…but I want to try this exercise and change the intention.

Also, ironically, there was a radio talk show on when I was driving home that was very captivating and it was all about intention and how we create our own reality. Whoa. It was powerful.

I am going to spend some time today working on shifting my thoughts and intentions!!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:31am
46: ReceivingGirl says:

When I was reading the beginning of this article, I felt myself hating on our subconscious. Then, I thought, I need to do research on the subconscious so it is not in control. My subconscious may have a different idea which I’m not aware of, but I do believe there is a man out there for me. My belief is the purpose of life is to find love. That is why I keep trying to find it. I will try this exercise tonight when I get home.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:33am
47: ReceivingGirl says:

Previous post @694: Femininewoman says:

RG I believe you “should be” focussing on yourself and taking care of you. Please read the new post. Your subconsious might be sabotaging you. Drawing things to yourself so you could be a rescurer? rather than facing your own demons?

FW – I have lots of demons. I don’t feel I’m hiding from my demons. I know what they are, but I suppose I could be ignoring them. I should write them out.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:48am
48: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ thinking about it, you maybe right. Everytime I see him I can’t help myself but pour my heart out to him and I sense it’s freaking him out..

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:48am
49: Emoticon says:

hi Heart!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:53am
50: Emoticon says:

Wats up Radlove. Thanks for posting your text messages with R…. It helps me see myself from another perspective. Even if its really you, but it reminds me of myself and one of my CDs. I find it easier to think critically of others actions than my own.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:55am
51: Heart says:

Rebecca – I feel compassion towards you and curious about what motivates you.
Why did you tell him about your problems. How did you feel about when u were talking to him?

Nothing is wrong with finding out what your agenda is….I always feel really excited when discover my motivations. It’s like unlocking some kind of mystery.

Right now….I don’t know what is motivating me in my situation. But I heavily sense that Something is up with Me….lol.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:56am
52: Heart says:

Rebecca – just read your latest post. I was writing to u while you posted it. Will try to use the post number in the future.
Think on it..remember…and come tell us!

Hi Emoticon!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:01am
53: Emoticon says:

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:06am
54: ReceivingGirl says:

@15

I know I leaned forward a lot with Mr. Observant the last few days. Though, I haven’t contacted him today. I feel with his bipolar situation, he is stuck in his head and isn’t in a place right now to interact with me. I feel he wants to, but he’s just not capable of it. In this regard, I don’t feel it is leaning forward. I feel I’m showing him support by not going quiet and leaving him alone.

I’m not asking him questions, I’m just talking. For example, yesterday, I told him how I have a rabbit’s nest in my yard and they ate all my garden plants. I’m just letting him know I’m here. I don’t want him to come out of this and think I walked away. I know he will remember.

I kind of feel it’s like being with a person who is unconscious. In that case, you would still go to the hospital and talk to them and be there for them and worry about them until they wake up. You wouldn’t just leave them laying there all by themselves.

What do you ladies think? Should I be thinking about this in a different way?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:07am
55: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ he does draw me in by acting interested to start with. Then he always looks like he regrets getting into a conversation with me.. Yeah I feel very sad about this…

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:09am
56: Radlove says:

Emoticon,

39 – Too cool!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:10am
57: ReceivingGirl says:

@32 Radlove

I will try to tweak your FMs when I get home tonight. I will need to read them again, but I think the bigger aspect is repeating them over and over. What if you were to say it once and then drop it. When he tries to debate you, don’t take the bait. It turns into both of you debating over who is treating the other one worse. That doesn’t make anyone feel good. When the conversation starts going very negative, flip it to positive. Try to keep the positive flow.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:20am
58: Heart says:

# 54 ….Rebecca – Well go sink into your feelings and feel sad…would love to hear about any feelings or thoughts that come up.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:21am
59: Emoticon says:

Thank you Radlove!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:24am
60: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca how about flipping the carrot comment to the thought that he is just living his life?

Who was it who give us the definition of insanity related to what we do? Rebecca ask yourself if it is obvious to you that pouring your heart out is freaking him out why would you continue doing so?

Change your words. Be surprised.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:25am
61: Emoticon says:

I feel GUILTY for leaving all my CDs and DOING ME…, BUT I DONT WANNA FEEL GUILTY.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:26am
62: Emoticon says:

awww booboo u not doing anything wrong ((((me))))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:27am
63: ReceivingGirl says:

@39 Emoticon

Those kind of happenings are very intriguing. It reminds me of a story Mr. Observant told me. He was talking about premonitions. He said, he was driving and stopped at an intersection, felt a little strange, sat there a couple minutes and didn’t know why. On the way home, he got in a car accident at that same intersection. It’s a bit eerie when those things happen.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:28am
64: Rebecca says:

FW ~ oh, you are right. I guess I just want there to be more there than there is and I feel sad… (( and don’t know how to stop feeling like this apart from avoiding him.. But the feelings aren’t going away and zmI just feel so drained all the time. I’ve tried everything – but I can’t seem to change my feelings and its so frustrating… I’m a bit like other sirens that have fallen for one guy in a very unhealthy way – but in my case I can’t seem to change.. I feel sad and devastated about this…

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:31am
65: sunshinegirl says:

Ladies, there are two new guys emailing me on dating sites…both have asked to switch to email or text. Both are good looking, both seem interested. I was reading this post this morning and imagining when I was going to meet “my guy.” Then one of these guys sent me a very unexpected text…asking me how my morning was going…and I wrote back saying I was drinking coffee, imagining when I might meet “the one” and practicing thinking positively. He wrote back and asked for my email…

Both of these guys are new on the dating sites so I think they might be TOO excited about communicating with me. I’m worried that I’ll get too excited, too…Trying to LEAN BACK

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:37am
66: Radlove says:

Receiving Girl,

56 – I appreciate your feedback.

So hard to stay awake at my job! Training is extensive, and it is a necessary evil! It’s just read, read, read. Boring stuff, meaningless stuff. I feel bored, bored, bored, tired, tired, tired!

How I want a nap. I feel back on my path now about how to deal with R. I don’t want to make him feel bad.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:44am
67: Emoticon says:

Living with this CD for a few days is giving me soooo much practice. Leaning back is sooo easy with him tho. But he called me “bad wife” this morning lol

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:45am
68: Radlove says:

Receiving Girl,

56 – I appreciate your feedback.

So hard to stay awake at my job! Training is extensive, and it is a necessary evi(l! It’s just read, read, read. Boring stuff, meaningless stuff. I feel bored, bored, bored, tired, tired, tired!

How I want a nap. I feel back on my path now about how to deal with R. I don’t want to make him feel bad.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:45am
69: Emoticon says:

I respnded
Man, u would still marry me any chance u get!

Him: *laughs* y dont u iron?
Me: I hate ironing <—TRUE

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:47am
70: Femininewoman says:

sunshinegirl I read your comment and it seemed to me he wants to downgrade from text to email. I might be wrong, but does he have your number. Why doesn’t he call?

For me I would tell them it would feel good to hear your voice or it would feel good to be able to see the face with the voice. When on dating sites you want face to face meetings with people on proper dates. Otherwise, for me, it is just penpals. I find the writing and reading boring.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:51am
71: Emoticon says:

Not a FM… but hey, he got the point.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:52am
72: Femininewoman says:

Emoticon that criticism feels bad. I heard my internal voice saying he is “test driving, now he is finding fault”.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:53am
73: Ella says:

Hello Sirens,

Ok so basically MWC had an episode and fell off the wagon. He had a drinking binge…

At least I am pretty sure he did.

He says he was sick.

But that just isn’t true… well maybe he was sick, but he was hungover.

Its not the slip up that bothers me… its the lie.

It REALLY REALLY bothers me. And especially after I was singing his praises and talking openly about his turnaround on here the other day, makes me feel just a lil silly.

So anyway, we haven’t really been in contact the last few days.

I left when I realised he was lying and he knows that I don’t believe him and he has not been contacting me as he usually does.

Today he came into work as we were changing shifts.

He hugged me and he was shaking.

He still looked worse for wear.

I am thinking of e-mailing him and saying this

“I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts.

At the moment I feel very sad.

I feel confusion, distance and mistrust.

I don’t want to feel confusion, distance and mistrust.

I love you. That means I am there for you. Stuff happens. Slip ups happen. It is really no big deal, even if it feels like it… Its actually part of the cycle of change… of healing.
We are human beings. Really no dramas to me. I still feel respect for you… This stuff ISN’T a deal breaker to me…

However dishonesty, untruth, confusion, within a relationship feel AWFUL to me.
I know this corodes relationships, it destroys love. I don’t want that.”

Well at least that is everything I want to say.

Not sure if I should wait though… until he contacts me again.

Or just send it.

Or wait…

For a conversation.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:55am
74: Emoticon says:

FW, my first instinct was that he was joking. This guy ADORES me and would marry me any change he got. He likes doing stuff for me and was just joking because traditionally women did all the stuff that he does for me. I think it was just a stereotypical joke. But i didnt feel bad.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:57am
75: Emoticon says:

He also asks a LOT of questions about other guys so i got practice at STOPPING and NOT answering their questions and simply saying that thats personal.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:06pm
76: Femininewoman says:

Criticism and blame are the things proven to erode relationships over time. 99% of the times, marriages end up in divorce because of this.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:08pm
77: Radlove says:

Ella,

72 – I feel sad with you to hear that. On the one hand, your feeling messages are very beautiful. On the other hand, I would feel even more sad if years of your life were spent vying for the love of someone who will always choose a bottle over you.

BTW, remember me talking about Jim, the man in the mid-nineties who I regretted more than any other man? I saw him last weekend for the first time since 1996. He looked me in the eye and said, “Hellooo!” in his deep voice.

Crossing paths with him was unexpected, and I said, “Are you Jimmy?” He said no and walked away.

But it was him.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:14pm
78: Daria says:

Ella – I would so wait… to me it seems like taking the lead in the relationship by writing him.. it feels mommy like to me

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:16pm
79: Daria says:

Also ideally if I were feeling centered I would notice that this person lied to me and I don’t want that in a committed relationship and would immediately drop his status and begin dating others

and nonetheless remain open

you seem pretty freaked out tho… i feel sad and anxious reading about this

((((Ella))))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:18pm
80: Radlove says:

My supervisor, who I will call SoCool, referred to when he hit his ten year anniversary. I almost instinctively blurted, “Was that your company anniversary or your wedding anniversary?”

He was referring to his time with the company. But it gave me a head’s up that I need to guard against overtly flirting with him. That would feel REALLY embarrassing. And I don’t even know if he is single yet.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:21pm
81: Daria says:

Receiving Girl – me personally yes, I look at it in a different way

when a guy is going through something, what helps him pull out is having a woman to chase

a woman staying in contact and caring for him is not that woman

so unfortunately I wouldn’t be helping him really, just mommying him. he may enjoy it in the moment (like a man enjoys a blow job) but he won’t feel attraction, a pull, or POWERFUL and LIKE A MAN abt it

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:23pm
82: Ella says:

Daria,

Thank You.

Yes, I expect I will wait.

Probably.

I don’t think I will date others… not yet anyway.

Thanks for the hugs.

I will sit with it all for a bit.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:23pm
83: Daria says:

Radlove – aaack! no omgosh… i feel freaked out reading about that

i don’t feel very comfortable at all with throwing myself at strange men though (i feel quite comfortable throwing myself at men i am in contact with – eeeeek )

i’d say, stick with 5 second smile and feeling messages = flirting.

anything else = throwing self

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:24pm
84: Femininewoman says:

Ella I like RadLove’s response to you also. It is beggining to seem like an endless feedback loop in a program that keeps coming back to this. I have heard Rori talk about us being arrogant enough to think that if we love a man enough things like this can change. Sorry if I trigger you but I believe like LiliBee you have to consciously cognitively accept that you have the choice to date other men who just might bring better things in your life and shine brighter lights in the world.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:29pm
85: Radlove says:

Daria,

80 – Good explanation of giving a man space to chase!

Daria,

82 – I know! Before I found Rori, I practiced flirting, not knowing I was going about it all wrong. It got to be habit – yet another habit I am in the process of breaking!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:29pm
86: Ella says:

Radlove,

Thanks also.

And I don’t feel like I am wasting anything at all.

It is all good practice and I am getting nice moments and experiences, as well as challenging ones.

I don’t think he always chooses a bottle over me. In fact most of the time he chooses me.

This isn’t enough for me though… I want to be top priority with my man… always.

But we will see.

He is seeing a counsellor that he found so that is good.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:29pm
87: Radlove says:

Ella,

85 – All right.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:30pm
88: Daria says:

I’m feeling so sad about my birthday tomorrow.

I will be 30.

I feel pist and unsupported and forgotten and powerless with Money. So far he’s here for me $5 worth. Perhaps I can say it would feel so good to have some more for tomorrow.

There’s lots of men who have offered to spend time w me … and i feel overwhelmed and don’t want to deal w plans right now

and there ARE SO MANY MEN WRITING AND CONTACTING ME RIGHT NOW!!!

i feel GUILTY! that i feel overwhelmed and havne’t been responding or planning

and i feel sad that im not shaved or waxed or plucked or even painted

URRRGH

and its TOMORROW!!!

i so dont feel ready

i dont know what to wer

i dont have sandals

that i want

this girl said she will contact me and she hasnt

the toher girls i talked to said yheah, hit them up

i would love to get a hotel, and then go to the club and come back to the hotel, and still have the club for the next day

and all that would take like 200$

and i feel pist

and a guy COOULD do it for me, and i dont want to plan

and if eel overhwlemed

and sad

and alone

and i don’t know what will happen

likely ntohing and ill feel bored and alone and just get my nani and eyebrows waxed maybe

and paint my toes

by that time it will be 7 pm and i’ll have no plans

no girls will wanna hang out anymore cuz they’ll have their own plans

and i will wind up hanging out with watever guy gets a hold of me first

and i feel sad

i WANT to have a fun feeling exciting day

where i have a hotel, and easy transportation, and fun places to go

i want to ask this one guy i had a fun and easy day with, but i dont want to lean forward

he DID contact me when i didnt lean forward

and i was busy then and he wasnt VERY lean forward about pursuing me after

and i feel sad

and i feel drawn to contact him

i want to feel SO special, and easy , and pampered, and IMPORTANT , and exciting for my birthday

i feel guilty

i should have the money and capability to do all this myslef says my mom in head voice

and i feel guilty and scared and ashamed

and i dont want to think that way

i want to feel easy and honorable and honored and supported and ‘got’ and encouraged and loved and pampered and treated well

RRRGH

i feel upset

i love my upsetness and i want to feel excited, free, and glorious

and taht would feel like smiling, like giddyness

klike heart feels warma nd open and spilling and im smiling and walking around the house feeling excited!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:34pm
89: Radlove says:

SoCool is single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! He just volunteered the information, in chatting with us (other new employees). He said I’m a single Dad! Yay!!!!! He is HOT! His eyes are gorgeous! He is very intelligent and sensitive!

Oh, this job is gonna be fun!!!! )))))))))))))))))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:34pm
90: Radlove says:

Radlove’s gonna be CDing at work evvvvvvvvverrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy day! Yippeeeee!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:35pm
91: Daria says:

Money reminds me that I have more in a fund, and i thank him for that

hoever i feel scared of my father if i take it out

its there and will have a 30% penalty to take it out and he’s in contact on that account

he will be pist, criticize me, tell me its irresponsible and wrong

i dont want that fund. i don’t plan to use it in the way it was designed for so it’s useless really

my dad will feel pist about losing 30% of it

i feel guilty and afraid and taht feels like my throat tightening up

and my jaw

i love my tightening throat and jaw

i wont get this Money to me by my birthday tomorrow

i skipped picking up Money on monday by forgetting since i didnt write it in my shcedule

i feel disappointed

i feel afraid that Money will think I’m no longer interested by standing him up

but i Did show him I’m interested by spending it on myself yesterday too

hmmm

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:38pm
92: Radlove says:

{{{Daria}}},

I am feeling good feelings for you and holding out for happy plans to fall together for you!! You deserve a happy, happy birthday!!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:38pm
93: Femininewoman says:

RadLove please remember it is just practice to get a better sense of yourself.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:39pm
94: Daria says:

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:39pm
95: Daria says:

Thank you Radlove

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:40pm
96: Radlove says:

FW,

Yes, just practice. Not looking for an outcome. But I feel very attracted to him so it will be extra good practice. Because it is with the attractive ones that I tend to feel most nervous and leaning forward. So yeah!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:41pm
97: Ella says:

Yes I do feel triggered.

Of course it keeps cycling back to this. This is a big issue that is being dealt with.

Of course it keeps cycling back to this… because the cycle of change, and the process of healing is not smooth and flat and instant.

Its a journey.

With twists and turns and setbacks.

Yes I do have some faith in this man.

But not blind faith.

I have seen the amazing changes he has made so far… I can feel his wanting to change this.

And all that might not be enough.

And if it isn’t it isn’t.

But its not all I post about. Most of the experiences I have had in this dating relationship have been hugely positive for me.

I might be open to dating others…

I am not sure.

Oh I don’t even know why I am talking about this.

I feel un got.

I feel lonely.

He’s just a man to me but it feels like Sirens are so down on him… or on the relationship.

And that’s not really how it feels to me.

But this dishonesty stuff does feel bad.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:43pm
98: sia says:

Hi radlove,
I’d thought I’d chip in, cause I am very annoyed with my experience of the birthday pressure from my surroundings.

It was my birthday 2 days ago. I don’t give a d. A year ago I got a happy birthday text from one of my Mom’s friend, and didn’t respond. She told me she wishes to get a reply, and I apologized and asked her not to wish me Happy B. anymore – so this year she didn’t and I am glad.
I always wish HB to everybody (have good memory for dates and numbers), but never expect a text back – it is an unconditional gift from me:)
As I see it, HB wish over text gives me pleasure of about 1 out of 10, but then when I need to thank for it whether I feel like it or not, that is a bother – about -2, and if I were told that my behaviour is rude and treating somebody 2nd class , the overall balance is about -30. If I was told ‘I was sad not to get a thank you’ (without calling it second class treatment), I would apologize but also ask not to receive any wishes again.

So I would say there are 3 types of reaction from me
1) say nothing = neutral
2) thank the gifter/wisher = positive
3) tell the wisher that his HB text is misspelt/gift is terrible = negative (second class)

I believe lot of people get lot of pleasure from wishes: 10/10 – so then they have energy to give back and wonder why everybody doesn’t feel the same.

Perhaps me and you would not be suited to be friends due to this, but hopefully that doesn’t reflect badly upon either of us?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:44pm
99: Daria says:

it feels so nice to write on here

i feel a bit less overwhelmed

so far i talked to 4 girls who said they were interested

a few guys said they were – Cd from last nite, Cd piny, … other men did and im forgetting…

i feel overwhelmed

my tummy feels squeezed!

i havent done ‘party’ for my birhtday in years

i feel panicked

i feel sad remembering having a best friend with a car

sigh

i feel sad

i love my sadness

i want to feel happy and STARRED and LOVED

and TAKEN CARE OF

and …. THRILLED

FANTASTICO ECSTATIC!

and that would feel like, this, with a touch of excitmenet and relief!

im afraid tomorrow nothign will happen and i will feel sad and lonely like i feel some days

i feel scared!

i love my fear

i love my sadness and loneliness

i want to feel free and pleased, and full, and proud of myself, and smily

and that would feel like expansion, like softening, like air moving freely through my hair refreshing clearing my scalp

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:45pm
100: Femininewoman says:

Hi sia great analogy. The other thing that came to me while reading the conversation was that some people give so they can control others. People do not like the feeling of obligation that comes with someone giving them something.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:50pm
101: Daria says:

i feel guilty and overwhelmed too having a gift for my friend’s babyshower and i haven’t packaged it to send to her yet or written her a message to get an address

i feel all ‘stuck’ around this

i wnat to heal this

i want to feel easy and proud of myself for having a gift and for intending to send it to her

i feel pist at my mom for asking me all this stuff that i want to do on my birthday that i really dont want

i feel pist thinking that its a great possibility i will be denied if i ask her directly or my dad for money for my birthday

i can ask in feeling messages

i want to feel loved, supported, full, powerful, good about myself

i feel tight in my forehead

i love the tightness in my forehead

i want to feel happy and clear

i want to feel like my head feels rested and so surpringsly peaceful and like the sky

and that would feel like harmony, openess, coolrefresheness

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:51pm
102: Radlove says:

FW,

Actually that felt a lil bad, like a wet blanket on my parade. Pouty face.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:51pm
103: Ella says:

Hmmm, I am hearing so many NVs right now.

I think you are all thinking

‘Look at Ella, jumping to defend this man. She doesn’t realise he is an addict and she is co-dependant.’

Look at her trying to defend it and protesting.

But it really isn’t like you all think.

Radlove, I have heard you talk about your past relationships with addicts and I feel shocked at some of what you write.

This has never felt anything like that to me.

He NEVER drinks around me.

And he hardly drinks at all at the moment.

Yes he has issues.

Yes he is probably an addict.

And he IS dealing with those issues.

And he is seeing someone.

I don’t know.

I feel confused.

I am swinging between agreeing with you all and knowing how this relationship *feels*

And it is NOT the piney, piney type of thing I have felt before… Its not rose tinted glasses, because I don’t necessarily think he is the ‘one’ for me… in fact he has many shortcomings…

I see them.

As I see some of my own.

Its just that in this relationship I have flourished.

I have felt so good about myself.

And I know I will anyway.

I know I don’t ‘need’ him… and that he could well just be another man who is bringing me a step closer to the relationship I want.

Or he may offer me that.

But I feel defensive when I am posting about something negative here (the lying) and immediately Sirens are telling me to throw in the towel.

And that he is an addict and there is no hope and it will never change etc etc…

Hmmm, this feels sucky cus I thought we were all about healing here.

And healing has faith.

I feel grrrraaary

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:52pm
104: Femininewoman says:

Hi sia. I like your comments. Some of us give to get or to control others. We say happy birthday because we want the other person to tell us back. It is the same with I love you. There is almost always tension hanging in the air when these things are said in an imaginary and sometimes real relationship. I know a lot of men who have complained about the feelings of obligation these words bring up. As such many do not like to get things from women.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:54pm
105: Radlove says:

{{{Ella}}},

I sorry, I don’t want you to feel lonely, ungot, and bad. I am with you every step of the way on your journey, and please feel free to share and vent here. I won’t say anymore in a negative way if you don’t want me to. I just want to be supportive to you.

I feel protective of you more than anything, but if that comes across as not supportive then please let me know what would feel good.

I remember when I was with Jim for 1.5 years. Many friends and family would say “Be careful!” I hated it. I broke away from them more and more. I didn’t know what be careful meant. I just wanted love.

And I remember noting at that time that each person has to take their own path in their own time. I think it is beautiful how much you care about him. I want to be by your side, not shaking my finger at you, okay?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 12:57pm
106: Radlove says:

Sia,

97 – Well when I wrote him HB it was with the understanding that he might not write back. But then when he didn’t, it felt really bad, far worse than I thot it would, and I wished I hadn’t.

All I was thinking at the time, when I wrote it, was how bad I felt when he didn’t wish me happy birthday back in January. Part of me actually wanted to not acknowledge his birthday to pay him back for not wishing me a happy birthday.

And it was on that that I decided to just say happy birthday anyway. I just wish I hadn’t, that’s all.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:01pm
107: ReceivingGirl says:

@79 Daria

Thank you. I do understand what you are saying. I guess I just have a hard time wrapping my head around it because I don’t think he’s able to chase right now, so how will that help pull him out? I feel stuck.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:02pm
108: Femininewoman says:

Ella I write exactly what comes to me. There is nothing else going on in my mind.

RadLove that was meant as a reality check. The bigger picture is your financial situation and securing the job for a while. Romantic situations can be very tricky on the job. Particularly when we women get into imaginary relationships with men who are clueless that we are going there with them. I would be more concerned to keep the job if I were wearing your shoes. Please ignore if this is too tough to swallow.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:02pm
109: Radlove says:

FW,

99 – That is not where my heart was. LIke I said, I sent him happy birthday knowing up front he might not respond.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:04pm
110: Ella says:

Oh Sorry Sirens…

I went off into one didn’t I!!

Yes triggery, triggery.

OK FW I re-read your comment.

I don’t feel arrogant as though my love could change something like that…

Well, maybe sometimes (blushing face)

But not REALLY. I mean, logically, and mostly, I know it can’t. We can’t change these things… that is how I have kept myself grounded.

I have not expected to be able to change this.

Except… then it did start changing.

Drastically.

It all changed and improved.

And now there is another setback.

And you mentioned Lilibee. Yes this feels good.

Lilibee has felt inspirational to me these past few months… truly.

I intend to be like that too.

Mostly I am.

But… it still feels icky when this stuff happens.

Ok, so consiously and cognitively accept that dating others could bring more and better light to me.

So how do I do that?

I am kind of aware of that anyway.

I am not totally closed down.

I CD day to day… I flirt, smile, interact with men, even dance with them when I am out.

I accept the possibility that MWC may very well not be the man for me.

And I am willing to date other people, if this turns out to be true.

So what else would I do?

I am not ready to actually date others, although I am not ruling it out…

This weekend I am going away on my own to see my friends in the city.

I feel unsure what else to do.

My understanding is for Lilibee it was a process too.

But that she had enough and wrote him off and was willing to walk away.

That is an option for me…

Not sure if I am ready for that yet.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:05pm
111: Ella says:

How about simply

‘I don’t want to be lied to anymore’

??

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:06pm
112: Radlove says:

Ella,

102 – How bout this…as an experiment…how bout you send your beautiful feeling message to him and see how it goes?

Whatever we say doesn’t matter. You don’t need to defend yourself. Maybe this is good practice in being yourself and not a people pleaser.

What matters here is your feelings. If you feel good about the relationship, go for it. If I decided to go with it, I would say to him,

Look, what I feel worse about than drinking is lying. Let’s make a deal. Let’s work thru it together and just be up front with each other. I will accept you no matter what.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:10pm
113: Femininewoman says:

Ella the way I understand Lilibee did it anD how Rori advised a woman who was against divorce is to accept it in your mind and every cell of your body that you have other options. Keep yourself open to this so it doesn’t feel like a prison.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:18pm
114: Ella says:

Radlove,

Thank you for your caring message.

That feels so much better.

I feel soothed.

I don’t know…

Something stopped me sending it.

Something made me check in here first.

I agree with Daria that it would feel like directing the relationship, and responding would definitely feel better.

What I am feeling so very averse to (is that the right word for resistant to??) is the idea that this relationship MUST be bad for me and I must start CD-ing other people or walk away immediately.

Although… I do like the idea of consciously and congitively accepting that I might walk away at any minute and that focusing elsewhere might be the way for me…

And I think I am kind of on that a bit anyway…

Ok, so I guess then the big question is, what shall I do now??

How do I distract myself now?

I am feeling icky.

I can sit with it.

Shall I read Rori posts? Shall I have a bath?

What?

How do I focus on, and look after me??

How do I get the mentality of CD-ing without actually doin it yet?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:20pm
115: Radlove says:

FW,

107 – I understand, and I already know that. I would NOT get involved with a man if he were my supervisor – been there, done that, won’t go there again.

I feel mothered and I hear my Mom in your words. I feel very triggered, actually. I have come to detest this type of negativity in the face of my joy.

Matter of fact, I’ve been hearing it all week from my Mom:

“Hi Mom! I feel so happy at my new job!”

“What are you going to do? How are you going to keep that job when you fall asleep so easily?”

“I’m just going to pump caffeine until I can afford my meds to stay awake.”

“I just feel so sad about your situation! What are you going to do when you lose your house? It’s just been so hard for you for so long! That’s horrible you have so far to drive! You can’t handle a commute like that!”

A couple days ago she went on and on until she was actually crying on the phone, about how horrible my life was!

I said, “Hey mom, just to relieve some of your misery, I am in the best position I have ever been in in life! I am thrilled with my new life! I have a nice house, a new job, I am getting a lot of healing, I have good friends…I love my life!”

I feel angry when I am happy and floaty and expressive and someone throws in all the cautions and corrections. I don’t like it.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:21pm
116: Femininewoman says:

Ella when I did it felt very liberating and freeing like I had dropped a ton of bricks

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:22pm
117: Ella says:

FW re 111

Yes, I have other options.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:23pm
118: sia says:

Thank you FW:)
Radlove,
tweak : ‘i don’t want to be treated second class’ with: ‘I feel sooo sad when I don’t get a BW wish, or: I feel sooo sad when I don’t get a text back.’
Forget about who said what about how acknowledging texts is a sacred duty:)

Once a man was describing someone to me and he said: he has very straight hair, like you.
I reacted badly, all offended, because I am extremely sensitive about having straight hair, I think wavy hair is objectively better and nobody should mention my straight hair to me.

So I can work on my hair trigger and you on your HB trigger:)

Daria, your gift problem is so familiar to me..:)

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:26pm
119: Radlove says:

The other aspect of my joy over SoCool is that I have had some tuff, nasty, or deceptive supervisors. I have long since come to believe that a supervisor can make or break a job, no matter how good the job itself.

Likewise, a landlord can make or break a living situation, no matter how good the living situation itself.

I feel ecstatic that not only do I have a good supervisor, who I knew I liked after only a 20 minute phone interview! But now I know he’s single!

I have a right to feel joy! I feel joyful! I feel jubilant! I feel happy! I don’t want anyone to try to kill my joy!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:26pm
120: Ella says:

FW.

Yes…

And thank you.

And still, it doesn’t make me immune from ever feeling any ickiness.

But, there are times when I feel so fine, and so ok, and so strong.

And I know there are other options for me.

And this in the midst of difficult times.

It would have been unheard of in the past I expect.

Well, I just know somewhere inside I am very strong.

And I know I will have a great time, and the
relationship I want with or without this man.

And I know I create romance whereever I go…

Because its in me.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:27pm
121: Radlove says:

Sia,

117 – Thank you, good tweak.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:28pm
122: Ella says:

Radlove

I feel happy for you to hear about all the good stuff in your life.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:30pm
123: Radlove says:

Ella,

Thanks! I feel in a much better emotional space to work on my body now.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:46pm
124: Mel says:

Ella,

I wonder sometimes if the universe sends us little tests. To see if we are really ‘over’ something or have completely healed from a past hurt or mistake. to see if we have ‘learned our lesson’ yet.

I find I get “tested” with similar sorts of triggers and each time, as I deal with it in a more authentic, sink-into my feelings way, that the next time it comes up, it feel SO much less of a trigger for me.

Could this be a test for you?

A reflection of yourself somehow? Or a test of your boundaries? Or to test your ability to surrender or give up control? Or maybe a way for you to practice expressing your feelings without blame or overfunctioning?

The other day, I was sitting on the couch with Mr A (he was checking his emails) and I saw he had received an email from a dating site. TRIGGER!!!!! (My ex had multiple profiles while we were married)

The ‘old’ me would have gone into panic mode… stuffing down feelings, overfunctioning, pretending everything was okay…

I just sat there. Silent. Breathing deeply. I just felt the sadness and terror.

He asked if I was okay. I told him: I feel like I want to run away, but also sort of paralyzed and heavy. I feel the weight in my stomach and I don’t want this coffee anymore and I feel a bit of nausea and fear.

He asked why and I said that I was feeling triggered by an email from a dating site I saw in his inbox. That I know it is likely just an auto-mailed thing from a profile he had in the past, but I could feel myself feeling all panic-y and wanting to run.

He gave me a HUGE hug and opened the email and showed it to me and then went to the website and wrote to them and told them to remove any profile they may have. Then he said he would feel SO sad if I ever ran away and he got a little teary and said he is happy I could tell him what was bothering me so he could fix it.

So… maybe just tell him how you are feeling, physical feelings, afraid feelings, ALL of them! And don’t try to offer a solution or propose anything or make him wrong… and see what happens. Be surprised.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 1:59pm
125: Ella says:

Mel,

Ok..

That sounds good.

And thank you.

So I am going to script here.

I feel so tight in my shoulders. I feel terribly afraid, like running away.

I feel confusion, mistrust and distance.

I feel shaky.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:05pm
126: Mel says:

Maybe be careful with the mistrust?

Perhaps, I feel afraid to trust?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:08pm
127: Ella says:

Except no.

Somehow that doesn’ quite feel right.

Because the difference here is that he is not being honest.

I had that kind of triggery thing, like you mention with your Mr A, last week, where there was something to do with his ex, and it was all triggery, but I stuck with FMs totally and it all got fixed… very quickly.

This feels completely different.

I feel like I need to be strong…

And call him on it… but still using my femenine energies.

I need to make sure I don’t get caught up in the denial…

I need to say NO to this.

But, yes, still using FMs will help.

xoxox

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:09pm
128: Ella says:

Mel,

I don’t believe him.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:11pm
129: Dominique says:

Receiving Girl – You were talking last night about people maybe thinking of you as damaged goods, and maybe you even think this of yourself somewhere inside.

As it so happens, I just published an article on this topic. You may be interested in reading it.

http://sexandheart.com/are-you-damaged-goods-so-what#comment-1957

xxoo

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:12pm
130: Mel says:

Do you know for sure that he’s lying?

As per Byron Katie: Who would you be without that thought?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:12pm
131: Mel says:

Cause I could have easily gone down the road of : He’s got a dating profile! He’s dating others behind my back! I can’t trust him! He’s lying to me….

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:14pm
132: Ella says:

You can’t love a man who lies to you.

You can’t love a man who you don’t trust.

I’m sure Rori has said these things??!!

But then also I am sure I have heard her say everyone lies.

I feel confused!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:15pm
133: Mel says:

How do you know for SURE that he’s lying?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:16pm
134: Ella says:

Mel

No, of course I don’t know for sure.

But I feel it.

I am like 99% sure he is lying.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:17pm
135: Ella says:

Mel

I don’t.

That is why I feel so miserable right now.

Cus he is telling me one thing, my intuition is telling me another.

And I feel lost at sea…

Just as I did a few months ago.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:19pm
136: Mel says:

I only ask because I know that anxiety can be deceptive. Drinking is a huge trigger for you. So your NVs will naturally go there…

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:19pm
137: sunshinegirl says:

FW (#68) thank you very much. He suggested going directly from the dating site to text, which I thought odd..then asked for my email. But his texts were warm: “lovely to hear from you”; “you made my morning.” I will wait to hear from him again and use your suggested feeling message “it would feel good to hear your voice” etc.

The other guy sent me 21 questions (no joke!) that he wanted me to answer…I wrote back and said it felt like a questionnaire (and I wondered how many women were filling it out but didn’t say that). But after I wrote back he emailed the next day with all kinds of personal stuff. I almost feel burdened by knowing too much…I am thinking, maybe you should meet me first…not sure what to say

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:22pm
138: Mel says:

And YES, you DO need to trust to love… But the trust comes from YOU… your willingness to give the benefit of the doubt when there is uncertainty.

That’s why I suggested that you are feeling afraid to trust. That drinking is a huge trigger for you and that because of that, you are having a hard time trusting him. And you want to trust.

Perhaps you could even say this? It’s not blamey because it’s all about YOU.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:23pm
139: Mel says:

I gotta run… but hopefully some of the other sirens can weigh-in.

xoxo

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:25pm
140: Ella says:

Ok,

How about this??

“At the moment I feel very sad. I feel so confused. I feel tight in my shoulders and kind of shaky.
I am back here. I feel like running.

I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts.

Right now I feel distance and it feels so hard to trust.

I know dishonesty corrudes love and breaks relationships. I don’t want that. I feel so very afraid of that.”

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:29pm
141: Radiant Rising says:

This really stuck out at me today…

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~ Rumi

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:32pm
142: Radiant Rising says:

This article really brings up questions and emotions for me. The subconscious mind boggles me more than anything. It is so vast, the project of trying to re-program it feels so daunting. Hoping to gain some healing around this.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:37pm
143: Radiant Rising says:

It feels invalidating, the subconscious. You can be consciously going into something with the purest thought, intention and yet a situation or event will turn out in a way that betrays your conscious efforts, and you’re left sitting there feeling tricked. *Sigh* I have a lot of subconscious chatter. I cannot even hear it on a day to dya minute by minute basis. *Hangs head* Will it ever be changed or am I sentenced to live with it forever…(((ME)))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:42pm
144: Ella says:

I am going with this and I am going to send it even though it is leaning forward

“At the moment I feel very sad. I feel so confused. I feel tight in my shoulders and kind of shaky.
I am back here. I feel like running.

I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts, and at the moment it just feels so hard to trust.

I feel afraid. Stuff that has happened before has made me know that dishonesty currodes away at love and breaks relationships. I don’t want that. I feel very afraid to trust.”

And then I am going to let it go.

Then I am going to do a mini turnaround.

Which will involve focusing back on me… my life.

Taking exquisite care of me, and opening myself up to other options and possibilities.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:43pm
145: Ella says:

Or shall I wait for tomorrow???

Ahhhhh!!!!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 2:46pm
146: Lizka says:

Hi sirens!!

I had a super nice day and didn’t think of calling ATW and still not planning to do it.

The guy from work about whom I had a dream last night invited me and two men coworkers for drinks tomorrow after work. Cool.

I feel excited about him just because it’s an experimentation and it makes me forget about ATW. I don’t even know if he’s married or what. It’s just fun. And I have a plan for tomorrow! Yay!!

ATW said yesterday we could do Thai soup this weekends “maybe friday, maybe saturday or maybe sunday”. He couldn’t confirm a day, as always. So if he calls for tomorrow, well I’m taken dude, off for drinks with 3 guys!! hehe. I won’t tell him that of course, but I’ll be happy to tell him “oh I feel so disappointed. I feel really hungry for your delicious soup, but I made other plans for Friday. I’m free saturday and sunday.”

But I also have other flexible plans for the weekend, like going to the sidewalk sales they are doing in town, going to seethe shoe exhibition, going to the pool and get tan and meet hot guys… So I think I’m ok with focusing on myself for the weekend.

yay!!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:08pm
147: Femininewoman says:

Wait

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:11pm
148: Daria says:

double on wait… id say sending it now is to reduce anxiety…

Rori just wrote to me privately something about reducing the TRIGGERS intensity, not just reducing the anxiety around them

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:20pm
149: Ella says:

Daria,

Yes… it would be to reduce anxiety.

He just got in touch via FB…

I still haven’t sent it yet.

Thanks.

xoxox

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:24pm
150: Sassy says:

Ella, wait wait wait!!!!!
Don’t you feel you would be more authentic if you spoke to him in person? That way you can see his body language, feel his reaction, and feel your intuition? I agree that because of the drinking, you have triggers and that always goes to honesty and trust. Believe me, I know from what I speak. There have been many alcoholics in my life. I totally get the fear of trust.
Doesn’t he deserve the benefit of your relationship and love to at least discuss it in person?
I am sorry, but this really gets to me. I’m very very sensitive to drinking and drug issues.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:27pm
151: Daria says:

EFT on my birthday anxiety and i feeling MUCH better already

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:30pm
152: Ella says:

Hi Sassy,

Thank You.

I did wait for him to contact me and I am pleased I did.

Although I am doing it via IM, because I prefer to do it as soon as it is possible.

Would you mind sharing more about how the drink/drugs thing feels sensitive to you?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:39pm
153: Daria says:

hmmi get triggered by in person stuff personally i don’t see discussing it in person as so much of a benefit

im not one for ‘he/she’s a coward/immature/a jerk for breaking it off in a text’ either

communication is communication … in person time feels lovely, but any way of communicating is still powerful to me

i wonder why i get so triggered by this

it feels icky to me like someone is pulling on me

noooo it has to be in person, otherwise its not effective/powerful, a

and otherwise you’re a ‘bad person’

that’s what i hear

and i feel RESISTANT

like wait what im a bad person! ha! i dig my heels…

hmmm

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:41pm
154: Daria says:

I would send it a couple lines at a time…

like

“i’m feeling upset ”

pause

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 3:42pm
155: Rebecca says:

Practise, practise, practise… Ahh it all feels so new to me. I wonder how I will get on..

Feeling messages are new to me too.

Well, I did do feeling messages before but really made a mess of it..

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:12pm
156: Rebecca says:

Sorry, I mean I blurted out my feelings in the past..

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:25pm
157: Emerson says:

115 & 119 Radlove
OMG I am so sorry about how your Mother talks to you, but good for you standing your ground and CLAIMING your happiness and that you love where you are in life right now!

It felt great reading what you said to her about loving your house and your job.

Gosh it reminds me of what my family has done to me too sometimes in the past…only thing is that I BOUGHT into the negativity and let it affect me…

I know my family loves me so whey would they say so many negative things to me sometimes???

also 119 yes it’s great you like your supervisor but please please please keep in mind it’s best to keep work and romance separate….and even friendships…I’ve learned to temper them at work…I used to get super duper close to my coworkers and at times it backfired on me. I’m careful now.

Case in point: OrangeCrush. He is a work affiliate of sorts….and now I feel akward cuz I don’t want to talk to him.

I feel totally turned off…but in the meantime, I have flirted with him and taken the relationship to a personal level (friendship only but with flirting) and I kind of regret it now….chances are I will see his sister and I’m hoping it all fades into the sunset by then….ackkkk…..!!!!!!! And this job is super duper important to me and I would not want any compromise of beign unprofessional…

Yes I sound like I’m preaching at you with advice maybe but really its a bad idea to take this anywhere but professional for now…you just started the job.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:40pm
158: Emerson says:

124 Mel you are my hero. I love how you handled this!!! I am so impressed and I want to be able to do that instead of shutting down! I love that you shared this because I know i can do this too…in the past I would have shut down and then tried to hack his account or something and ‘CATCH’ him cheating or being ‘bad’….oh i love having a new frame of thinking. It’s really not all bad out there! Aww ((Mr.A))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:43pm
159: heartbeat says:

Oh my goodness that post went straight to the centre of me – I could feel his hand touching mine, his fingers felt rough and I could see them very clearly. What really zapped me was the realisation that HE WANTS TO FIND ME TOO! I wasn’t expecting that. I feel excited and positive and energised. I feel horny haha yes! Another thing – the green colour felt absolutely right. Magnificent. Thanks for posting, Rori xx

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:44pm
160: heartbeat says:

Oh my goodness that post went straight to the centre of me – I could feel his hand touching mine, his fingers felt rough and I could see them very clearly. What really zapped me was the realisation that HE WANTS TO FIND ME TOO! I wasn’t expecting that. I feel excited and positive and energised. Another thing – the green colour felt absolutely right. Magnificent. Thanks for posting, Rori xx

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:45pm
161: Emerson says:

Daria about your Bday I felt all kinds of pressure around my 30th bday too….ultimately I was just scared nobody would show up and I was so indecisive what to do!! I ended up having friends over my house and a couple of my friends brough food and a cake and beer! It was fun and casual and I just wore jeans and a cute new top that I had just bought.

Looking back it was simple but nice and planned totally last minute…. in the weeks/days prior, I didn’t know what to do and was all stressed out!!!! But it turned out ok and I’m sure yours will too.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:46pm
162: Ella says:

Him: i miss you and needed to have some sort of link to you, i didnt like it i would never want you to feel sad,

Me: I do feel sad.
I feel so pleased you messaged me but I feel very confused

Him: Ok.
I kind of hoped I might get a text or email asking how I was or even saying how you were.

Me: Yes, ok. I feel kinda heavy. I was going to text you this afternoon and ask how you were… and I felt too much resistance.

Him: I feel not great still but I have been worse

Me: Ok… At the moment I feel very sad. I feel confused. I feel tight in my shoulders and kind of shaky.
I am back here. I feel like running.

Me: I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts, and at the moment it just feels so hard to trust.

Him: Running from what? I’d like to feel like running I had to sit down in the field walking the dog as I was buggered let alone run

Me: I feel afraid. Stuff that has happened before has made me know that dishonesty currodes away at love and breaks relationships. I don’t want that. I feel very afraid to trust.

Him: Well my body is icky and I can’t do much about it.

Me: well ok

Him: But I am used to being on my own untill I get better and understand

Me: I don’t understand what you mean?

Him: I kind of hoped I would not be on my own being ill again apart from having the dog
But I understand you thort other things

Me: I still do unfortunately. I feel so split… I REALLY, REALLY want to be there for you, especially cus I know how you felt so alone when you were ill before… but it feels totally untrue… Its exactly like it was before
I feel so frustrated
I wanted the chance to be there for you
And instead I feel shut out
I feel like I will hande anything
But I need honesty
needed

Him: You were not really listening to honestly your head you were listening to and I can understand why from the past at the beginning

Me; Well maybe… But I don’t know how to separate the 2
And anyway… this time doesn’t feel right either
I know how it feels when you are being honest…
Like when you say you love me
Or when we had that issue about your ex (well except the bit about the key… and her having access to your house… that bit was fuzzed) those feel true
And with the alcohol stuff I still feel shut out
It feels frustrating not to be trusted with the whole truth
about stuff
I just feel sad
I love you

Him: I don’t no normally I would try and talk about it and make idears but I cant I just don’t have the energy today

Him: But I do have the energy to love you with all my heart . Xxx

Me: I love you too. And I want to be there for you… and I know if it is alcohol then the only real way I can help is by not just listening to whatever you tell me…
Because that just feeds into the problem
And I don’t want that
And that is what is messing me up…
Because I need to be… and feel, that I am the one person you wouldn’t lie to…
Or who would not accept that

Him: I am going now after all we have been threw and all I have done and doing to help my self and us.

Him: And it might help if you were open to noing your the one that is not lied to
Xxx

Me: Ok… its just so triggering… its so hard…

Him: I love you
So so much

Me: cus I sometimes think you wouldn’t tell me… you wouldn’t trust me to handle it…
or something
I don’t know
And that feels sad
[:-(]

Him: I no the truth is what you want and is the only way we will work

Me: yes it is

Him: And stay together for ever
Well apart from a big question
I love you
Cxxx

Me: I love you too
xxx

Him: I need to try and sleep now and hope I feel better tomorrow
Xxxxx

Me: Ok… I just need to say this… It didn’t help… I know before… when it happened, you were with that that girl (Grrrrr [:-/] ) and then this time… she had posted on your wall about having drinks… and then this happened.
I know I am probably crazy and paranoid…
And all these little things get to me…
But anyway
I do love you
And I do want to find a way to trust
And no matter what else I see you have done a lot for us… and to sort everything out…
Anyway crying a bit now

Him: I don’t understand I don’t feel well enuff to now explane to me tomorrow.

Me: ok. xxxx
ok. xxxxxxx

Him: But I need you to no that I love you 1000 percent and miss you so much
Your the main bit of my life now and want to keep it that way. Xxxxxxxxx
Night j
Cxxc

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:47pm
163: Emerson says:

Hi heartbeat! Nice profile pic

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:47pm
164: heartbeat says:

Hi Emerson – thanks! Your red stiletto made me smile. I’m one of Rori’s ancient fans come back to haunt the site for a bit. xx

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 4:54pm
165: Femininewoman says:

Ella I feel resistance and a kind of rattling in my head abut crazy and paranoid. Is that the way you want to b referred to

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:01pm
166: Ella says:

FW

No.

But the rest of it feels pretty good to me.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:03pm
167: Sassy says:

Ella,

I’m sensitive as I spent over 30 years married to an alcoholic.
I won’t go into that any deeper than to say it was a daily nightmare.
A few years ago, I had a female cousin that was a year older than me that was so severely alcoholic that she lost everything, and ended up dying of alcohol aspiration and was not found by anyone for 10 days!
Last year, I had a friend that I had known in high school that I had just reconnected with. He lived in Michigan and I’m in Georgia. He confessed that he had a severe drinking problem and was working on getting into rehab as soon as a bed became available. Not long after we last spoke, he too was found dead of alcohol poisoning in his home. Those are just a few of my stories. I, myself drank socially, until I overdid it on a business trip in 1994. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since.
I could also share about drugs and how I’ve lost loved ones from that too. But I think you can get my drift. And yes, people with drug and alcohol addictions do lie. They will tell you whatever they think you want to hear, to spare themselves the pain of hurting you, but also because they don’t want to hear any “bit$hing about it AND because the addiction is usually bigger and stronger than their loved ones
can ever be.
I hope, Ella, for HIS sake, that he gets help.
I read everything I can get my hands on about addictions. I’m fascinated with the physical and psychological and even genetic factors.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:05pm
168: Daria says:

(((((heartbeat))))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:14pm
169: Dominique says:

Heartbeat!!!! <3

xxoo

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:18pm
170: Sassy says:

Ella, I’m sorry, but that whole conversation felt as if you were each talking about two completely different things. That is exactly my problem with texting/IM/email. You can’t get the true vibe from each other. After 3 years, I still end up being frustrated and confused with texts between JT and I because I can’t see him and keep things on a good flow.
I’m sure the two of you knew what each were referring to, but it still felt like there were two different conversations going on. And him saying he was tired and feeling ill is not conducive to a good exchange. He probably couldn’t wait to end the convo so he could go to bed! Just my two cents, for whatever they are worth. But I have been reading your posts closely and see your pain and confusion. Roller coasters…

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:20pm
171: Ella says:

Sassy,

Thank you for sharing that.

I jus feel curious, knowing all that stuff why did you advise me to listen to him and stay open to him?

Reading your post feels very triggering and scary to me…

Because it makes me think there is no hope, no chance against ‘alcohol addiction!’ and all that does is trigger fear.

Every time I read stuff like that.

I feel confused, because my daily life with this man feels anything but a nightmare…

So I just don’t know whether that is cus my situation is different or what that means.

And obviously the relationship is still new.

He IS seeing someone.

But I read these horror stories and that simply isn’t what our daily life is like.

But then some stuff doesn’t add up.

And after tha IM convo with him I felt soothed.

But as soon as I read anything about addiction I feel scared again.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:20pm
172: heartbeat says:

Hey Daria thanks for the hug – that feels good mmmm. Great to see you and now I feel a little cheeky because I’m sloping off to bed as it’s late over here. Sending a huge hug back xxxxx

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:21pm
173: heartbeat says:

Dominique!!! Hi!! Oh it feels like coming home… Huge love all round… <3 xxxx

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:24pm
174: Ella says:

Sassy re 170

Oh ok.

Well that’s ok.

I did share it on here…

I actually feel kinda good about the IM conversation…

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:24pm
175: LobbyStar says:

124 Mel, that was so awesome! I aspire to that.

I have a tendency to not identify my feelings in the moment. It’s like I put on my poker face and tuck the incident away for the day. At the end of the night, when I am journaling my day, I pull it out and then evaluate how I feel about it.

This happened a couple weeks ago with Cy. He was telling my sister that his cutting board was the last thing left from his last ex-girlfriend. I knew he meant the gf before me, because he hasn’t had one since me (over a year ago). I called him on it, reminding him I was his last, and he was heading out the door at the time and pretended not to hear me. I’m pretty sure he did.

I felt really hurt. I felt like I didn’t count. Like I had been nothing to him.

And I had a whole day to express myself to him, and I never did. I regret this so much.

Is it too late? I mean, if he and I were having a conversation and it came up, would it be weird for me to tell him that I felt hurt? Or did I completely blow it by not saying it in the moment? Thoughts?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:24pm
176: Starla says:

This is an amazing post.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:45pm
177: Femininewoman says:

Lobbystar I am not sure I would. It kinda have the keeping score and defend vibe to it. What would be your aim if it is not in the context of a conversation?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:48pm
178: Daria says:

I feel afraid of doing this post

I feel afraid of the ‘perfect man’ thing

- it ties into, ONE only Perfect one

which feels scary to me… I don’t want to go into -

“im saving myself for him mode”

I prefer the “i have the power to create a wonderful relationship with 95% of men out there” more

this feels freaked out!

- this is just so that I can create a feeling of the relationship i want, being with the man i want

i don’t have to freak out or pick up anyone else’s beliefs that feel limiting to me

i feel sad

i feel panicked

i love my sadness and panic

i want to feel free , excited, loved

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:53pm
179: Starla says:

I kept my intention to myself and stayed off of social/relationship-related internet today. I really honored myself and I feel very very very pleased.

It wasn’t easy, though! I felt like how I felt when I gave up cigarettes. I was itching for it all day. I got soooo bored in the afternoon. But it forced me to look inward at my boredom and observe it.

I am going to do the same thing tomorrow. For tonight, I’m online translating lyrics for my website.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 5:56pm
180: Sassy says:

Ella, you asked me why I am sensitive to drinking and drugs. That’s what my post was about, my experiences. I felt you should have listened to him in person.
I’m glad you feel your relationship is different with him. As I tell my daughters, “no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, except the two of you.” I don’t want to scare you or make you feel that you should feel ick. It is wonderful that he is getting help. I pray he continues and that you will feel you can support him. But there has to be honesty. You never really did say what you thought he was lying to you about. Whatever it was, is it a forgiveable offense? Because we all have limits and boundaries of what is acceptable.
As everyone else will agree, I’m sure, your happiness and safety are more important than anything else.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 6:02pm
181: Daria says:

just did the exercsie and found myself sobbing

it feels so touching to em that he would want to be with me even while im spending time with these other men and him with other women

he wants to be with ‘Me’

im crying

that someone wants to be with me

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 6:06pm
182: Starla says:

SandwichGuy did not follow through with firming up plans. Thanks to Rori, this does not phase me at all.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 6:33pm
183: Starla says:

I feel so blessed and privileged that I can go to bed right now because I am tired. I have no worries and no obligations and can just get some much needed rest.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:05pm
184: Daria says:

man says on his status

” Its all good to take care of your man, but a man can take care of himself, the best thing you could do, is to take care of your mental wellbeing, cause NO man respectfully likes an emotionally damaged woman, get your mind right, anyone can cook, clean, and fu*ck.”

yay babe!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:16pm
185: Starla says:

grrr, was falling asleep and sandwich guy called my phone and woke me up.

and then GuitaristFromMyFavoriteBand invited me to a show I really want to go to by text. Cool! Funny how they all contact me within a few minutes of each other. Like they can smell it.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:36pm
186: Starla says:

Haha, so SandwichGuy left a message but he ‘erased and re-recorded’ a couple of times, except my ghetto phone service sent them ALL to me back-to-back, poor thing… he is nervous. I feel very uncomfortable, though, that he is the kind of guy who gets kinda attitudinal and neg-y when nervous. I don’t wanna be treated like a bad person just cuz he’s scared.

“talk to you later… maybe… yeah, good talk”

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:43pm
187: ReceivingGirl says:

@129 Dominique

Thank you for the link. Yes, in a way, I guess I do feel I am damaged goods & that others feel that about me too. Between my childhood, my parents, my gay ex-husband, and my illness, there is a lot of damage to go around. However, I also feel I am a good person & a good catch for the man who can look past all that and see ME. The man who will accept my illness, accept that my parents are difficult people, understand I grew up with a lot of sadness & not feeling accepted and that makes me sensitive.

Mr. Observant was the only person who did not laugh and ask me, “and you didn’t know?” when I told him about marrying a man who ended up being gay. He did not judge at all. He didn’t interrupt and just listened to my whole story. After I was finished, he asked me a few questions as to why I thought my ex would do that and then he told me how impressed he was with how I handled the situation and called me “smart”.

People are extremely judgmental in general. At least the people I know. My family is extremely judgmental. Some people think I have poor judgment, others think I’m a pushover, I’ve been referred to as “tainted”, my shyness is also an issue for some people. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. Those who actually take the time to get to know me and understand me are usually surprised.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:44pm
188: Starla says:

WOAH i just face-stalked sandwichguy and he is the bassist in a semi-famous band. i am attracting so many musicians lately…. maybe they will introduce me to someone influential who can help me in my professional entertainment dreams?

((((((((((((universe)))))))))))))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 7:54pm
189: Starla says:

um and he’s 6 years younger than me, totally religious, and says things about how love is a “f*cking lie” until it can be proven wrong.

yikes.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:00pm
190: kdr says:

Watching a Woody Allen movie tonight called “Bullets Over Broadway” and there is a song in it sung by chorus girls called “You Gotta See Mama Every Night”. It was recorded many times but I think the first time was in 1923. Lyrics are:

You gotta see your mamma every night,
Or you can’t see your mamma at all!
You’ve got to kiss your mamma, treat her right,
Or I won’t be home when you call!

Now I don’t like that kind o’ man
That makes love on the installment plan!
You gotta see your mamma every night,
Or you won’t see your mamma at all!

Monday night, you didn’t show,
Tuesday night, you claimed no dough,
Wednesday night, that same old stall,
Thursday night, you didn’t call.

Friday night, you dogged my path,
Saturday night, you took your bath,
Sunday night, you had a date,
And from the looks of everything it’s clear that I don’t rate!

Hey you, you better show tonight,
Or you won’t see your mamma at all!
You better kiss me, you better hold me right,
Or I won’t be home when you call!

Now I don’t like that kind o’ man
That operates on the installment plan.
You better see me, you better make things right,
Or you won’t see your mamma at all!

Cut out all this stallin’,
Cut in some callin’,
Or you won’t see your mamma at all!

Hee hee!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:14pm
191: Pamalam says:

ReceivingGirl – I’ve been called overly sensitive, used up, second hand trash (by my ex-husband, so you must consider the source). It hurts. I feel empathy and sadness for where you’re at and how you’ve felt about that.

((RG))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:34pm
192: ReceivingGirl says:

Radlove – Sorry, but I feel my comments may come across as harsh. I see a lot of myself in how you converse. I’ve done many of the things you do. I hope you don’t mind my candor.

B: I feel angry. When someone wishes you happy birthday or bothers to give you her updated number, it feels awful to not even hear acknowledgement.

RG – I feel this message shouldn’t have been sent after only 20 minutes of no response. Men don’t always have their phones next to them the way women do. Many men are busy doing things and can take hours before they respond. I would wait even a day to receive a response. It would drive me bananas, but I would wait.

B: Oh ok. Just feeling sensitive about it since May 14th.

RG: Oh ok.

B: I wished I hadn’t said happy birthday after I felt ignored.

R: I can’t help you there.

B: Jerk

B: That is so rude!

RG: Jerk. and That is so rude! These were not appropriate. R was basically saying it’s not his fault you said happy birthday to him after you felt ignored. He was being honest, not rude and it doesn’t make him a jerk. He’s not responsible for your feelings, only his.

B: By voicing my feelings instead of tolerating second class treatment?

RG: This question is accusing him of being bad. It will put him on the defensive.

B: My conversations with K are nothing like this.

RG: Comparing him as negative against another man will again put him on the defensive.

B: I’m not going to receive any false condemnation from that. I am doing my best when I interact with you and am quick to own it when my weaknesses show.

B: I have found that the judgments we put on others are like a mirror to how we ourselves are. I learned that from Byron Katie.

RG: Here, I feel you need to think about your statement. What judgments are you putting on R and how do they mirror yourself?

B: Your words fit the negativity of the schizophrenia, not me. They feel alien to me, when I’ve been flooded with love for you for years

RG: I don’t feel love in this conversation. I feel judgments and accusations.

B: Mirror!!

R: GO AWAY!

RG: This feels like childish games to me.

B: The schizophrenia is telling you lies about a woman who loves you more than her own life.

RG: I feel bringing up his schizophrenia over and over is hurtful and condescending. It feels you don’t believe what he’s saying or feeling because of his illness.

B: If I were to give you a copy of all of our texts, which I have, you would see that 99.9% of my words to you are positive and loving.

RG: This feels overbearing. Frankly, I have done this in the past where I have quoted past texts and I too don’t get rid of things. I admit, it is a bit much and it was when I did it too.

B: I share my feelings, and I make no apology for that. MIRROR.

RG: Again, MIRROR is like childish name calling. This is how my brother and I would act as children.

B: I wonder if you are looking for a woman who will take crumbs and suffer in silence?

RG: Making him sound like a monster…suffer

B: I didn’t say anything hurtful. I want to see healing and harmony between us. I feel perplexed as to what is being perceived from your end. I feel very very heavy hearted. I LOVE you.

RG: Radlove, you told him you want harmony, but you are not creating harmony. You are creating waves at full force. Take your boxing gloves off.

B: I wonder how you would have felt if you wished me happy birthday and I ignored you? From where I sit, our friendship is being ended for the 15,000th time because I was kind enough to wish you happy birthday. I guess I should only expect unconditional, unfailing, steadfast love from God.

RG: Feels preachy like you are always right and he is always wrong.

B: R, I see a lot of walls. I think you would find a lot of the same issues with ANY woman. I encourage you to find a way to let love in.

B: I have known people in prison 23 years and never known anyone with walls so thick and hard. I pray deep inner healing for you.

RG: This is triggering me about damaged goods. Your statements feel to me that you feel R needs saving because he is damaged. Comparing him to people in prison is not nice.

The end of the conversation was nice and friendly. I would do that more often. Remove your judgments of him needing to be fixed. I feel that all over your texts. Making him wrong, being judgmental and accusing him of being an awful, mean, rude person will not make him feel all warm and fuzzy.

I feel you are trying so hard to get him to admit that you are right and he needs to work on himself. Why do you think this is? Less jabs and more friendly comments would do wonders here I believe. I do think he likes you, but I think you become too much for him with all the comments towards him. What can you do to change that?

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:40pm
193: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Pamalam))) Thank you

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:42pm
194: Brandylion says:

Hi Sirens!

I spent today driving from Ohio to Missouri, and I’ll spend the next two days driving too to get to Arizona. I will catch up on the blog this weekend.

I had lunch with PriestCD today. I felt more and more nervous the closer I got to the restaurant; I felt shaky by the time I got there, and my hands showed it! I felt so nervous I had a hard time eating even though I felt hungry. :-/

I practiced Listening at Level 2 and physically leaning back during the conversation (it was hard–the chair was more comfortable when I leaned on the table!). I also found myself occasionally paying attention to my body’s physical sensations while sitting and eating. That helped my nerves.

The conversation was good; I felt pretty good seeing him again. It felt so…odd…to observe him as just an attractive man and not to feel any pull or strong connection to him like I used to. It feels safe to say that whatever I felt for him is done! (I did tell him at the end that that was part of my purpose in asking him to lunch, to see how I felt in his presence now.)

I learned some very interesting things about his new relationship today that he shared without my prompting. His new girlfriend believes you should talk about exclusivity before *any* physical intimacy happens, including kissing! I felt stunned to learn that. In my head, my jaw hit the floor. I think I said, “Wow.”

Also, he is *not* dating her out of convenience. He revealed today that even though he thought it was soon after our break up to engage emotionally with someone else, he was finding his feelings for her changing and he realized that if they continued changing on that trajectory, he and she were going to start dating at some point soon anyway. In fact, over their five-year friendship, he had told her that he’d dated women out of convenience before and didn’t want to do it again, so she made sure that wasn’t why he’s dating her!

He revealed, possibly inadvertently, that they spent all of last weekend together at his place from Friday through Monday. She had chickenpox but was on drugs to suppress the outbreak, and she wanted to see him so she drove up from an hour away to be with him. He’d intended to take her with him to his students’ graduation open houses, but she stayed at his place while he went to those.

Oh, I re-met my green-eyed monster when he talked about this! Except for last summer and winter break, I never got this much time with him at once! My NVs were also totally right about them being together last weekend! Grrrrr. Oh, did I feel JEALOUS!! (I love my jealousy. It’s okay, little Brandylion, to want things and not to feel happy when others get them. Your time will come.)

Does feeling jealous mean that maybe I’m not 100% free of an emotional attachment to him?

Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” came on while we were eating, and I got choked up. I told him that I first heard it shortly before we broke up and realized that I want to feel the way that song describes and I wasn’t feeling it with him. He said he had a similar experience with a song by a Christian group that uses that famous verse about love from I Corinthians.

He mentioned not having been on my Facebook page in a while, and I expressed surprise that he’d been there. He told me that he’d gone there regularly after the break-up to see how I was doing, but after I started posting more about how sad I felt and how much I was struggling with my emotions (it was about a month afterward before I started doing much of that), he stopped going as often because he wasn’t quite sure what he was getting out of it. I felt pleasantly surprised that he’d cared enough to check and I told him so.

We talked about other stuff too, but these are the things that have replayed in my mind all afternoon.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 8:48pm
195: LoveAlways says:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIA!!!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:04pm
196: LoveAlways says:

Well, it’s 12:04 on the East coast

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:04pm
197: LoveAlways says:

I spent the end of a long day with CD song and it was nice, but now I am home and I can’t sleep. I don’t know what I want anymore

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:06pm
198: LoveAlways says:

I can’t understand a man, and I’m not going to try, but even connecting is beyond my control. We connect how it happens, and most time it’s up to the man. And you feel and see more about him with each connection. Be surprised be surprised

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:14pm
199: LoveAlways says:

I feel I’m not having enough s3x lately

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 9:23pm
200: Daria says:

wow Thank you Love ALWAYS! i feel surprised and wonderful and seen!!

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 10:25pm
201: Tereana says:

Mel – I skipped to the bottom of the thread, so I don’t know if this has all been answered for you, but maybe you could open the address discussion by simply giving your father your new address. Then, if he asks why you are moving, or who you are living with, you can tell him, “I’m moving in with Mr. A, Dad.” (I assume he knows you are dating him.) And leave it at that. No explanation, no justification. He might be speechless. Or not. But you are not inviting “advice” by being definitive…

Also, I read your post in 277 from the last thread, and wanted to respond here:

I’m glad you shared your story about Mr. A. And of course, with the right guy, that kind of thing works. The other key part of that – and maybe someone else mentioned this, or else it was part of your post – but the Conviction is really important. If you say that, and you MEAN it, then it works. I am having trouble with the “conviction” aspect of it.

You see, because right now, I honestly don’t care if I have a “relationship” with a guy or not before I sleep with him. Yes, I do tend to feel connected and all that. But I personally am not requiring “commitment” before I sleep with them. I’m just not. And you can say that’s wrong, or you can say whatever you want. It’s just not how I feel in my life right now.

In the past, I’ve gone through phases. I was a virgin all through High School and most of college. I had a boyfriend in college who loved me, and he wanted to sleep with me, and he was so touched when I told him I was a virgin. He would have waited for me, as long as I wanted/needed. But I broke up with him before I went abroad to study in Italy for a semester. While I was in Italy, I slept with an older man – once – and after that felt like a slut, and never slept with him again. I felt angry at myself. And I blamed myself when I found out that he had given me HPV.

I still have it, and I still have to deal with it, and it is one of the worst aspects of my life. It is the one thing that I wish I could take back and never have to deal with again. Luckily, thank G-d, it’s never been anything “worse” – but trust me, HPV is no picnic.

After that, of course, I was just really, really upset. I was upset at G-d, I was upset at me, I was upset at sex, and I was upset at men. After college, I lived in Europe again, where I decided to own the slutty feeling that I had, and just sleep with lots of random guys. It wasn’t a planned thing. It just kept happening, and I kept going with it. (using condoms, of course). Most of the guys were nice, but I just wasn’t invested in it, emotionally. Some of them contacted me afterward, but I never contacted them.

Then I got fed up with the sluttiness, and didn’t sleep with or date anyone for three years. During that time, I felt so bad about everything that I decided that the next man I slept with would be the man I married – but not in that order. I wanted the marrying first, then the sex. I wanted him to commit first – REALLY commit.

And that’s what I told my next boyfriend. When my ex-fiancé (who was my boyfriend at the time) started talking about sex (actually, he started talking about marriage first), I said that I wanted to be married before I had sex again. He said that wasn’t going to work for him. That he needed to have sex first before he married someone, but that he would wait until I was ready.

Well, I suppose that was the point at which I could have told him “sionara” if he wasn’t willing to wait and let me do what I wanted to do. I could have shown him the door and said, “See you later.” I probably would have felt better about that (and he probably would have been back.) But I didn’t. I stood up and said, “Hm.” I didn’t say anything one way or the other. I just decided to leave it to the future, and see where the relationship went.

Well, wouldn’t you know it. Even though I had a lot of conviction when I said it at that time, I broke myself down. Well, he wore me down with how much he kept asking for sex. But I caved, and only because, well, it turns out I have a lovely and abundant libido. My body wants connection and touch, and it doesn’t really care if there is commitment or not.

Six months after we started dating, he proposed to me. And I wasn’t totally surprised. I knew it was coming. And it was very romantic. Every I ever could have wanted.

But of course, that relationship ended. And I credit part of that with me not keeping to my word. I could have kept it. There was no reason that I “had” to sleep with him. I didn’t want it *that* bad. But yes, I did want him to like me. I relished the warmth, attraction, and love that I felt coming from him. It was so enveloping and gooey and direct. He really meant it. And he used to reassure me that the sex was because he loved me. It still freaked me out sometimes. The sex we had was some of the best, most connected sex I’ve had in my life. But sometimes I didn’t like it, and sometimes I hated myself for it. In the end, I just couldn’t even stand to be around him.

So there you go.

Had I stuck to my guns and really required him to marry me first? Who knows. Maybe I’d be married with a few kids right now. Or maybe he would have just moved on, because, despite how much he loved me, he wasn’t necessarily the best guy. There’s no way to know, because it’s all hypothetical, and all we have is what is true now.

And after that experience, all of my conviction regarding sex and commitment went out the window. I really don’t give a f*c# anymore. Or rather, I do ;P I want sex. And I want commitment. But right now, maybe sex is a bigger priority. Or I want them on parallel tracks. I don’t feel myself standing in a place of conviction that says I really need the commitment first. If I believed it, then I could say it. But I can’t lie about what I believe. If I said it, it wouldn’t be true, and no guy would believe me.

And the HPV hasn’t turned out to be a huge issue with most guys. Although it would be really nice to have a partner to help me deal with it, so that I wouldn’t have to always be alone with it. I feel like a broken toy sometimes, and like no one really wants me. But I also know the right guy will see it differently. He’ll love me anyway (my ex-fiancé did). He may even see my experience as something that makes me beautiful. Who knows. But what I’m really looking for is a man who appreciates and sees *me* and loves me for who I am. And I’ll find the right words to say to him. Maybe it will be about sex, and maybe something else. But he’ll know who I am, and maybe then, none of this will seem like a really big deal….

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:19pm
202: Emerson says:

I’m thinking way too much about Recycled and his reaction on the phone from yesterday…how he got off the phone abruptly when I used a feeling message. Maybe it was too much? Oh well. I don’t want him to think I’m all piney about him. But it’s not my business to wonder if he is or is not thinking that.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:19pm
203: Emerson says:

Tereana, Wow thank you for sharing your story. I feel moved. I feel thankful for your rawness and openness. I feel like a lot of the things you went through, I went through similar situations. I never thought of it this way….but what you said…the thing about owning your sluttiness (it felt bad to read that word) but I understood what you were trying to say…because I went through that too.

I had a boyfriend in high school and would not sleep with him because of how I was raised. He was older and in the military. We broke up.

Then I ended up meeting a guy in college randomly and lost my virginity to him. He was my “boyfriend” for about a week…and he dumped me…poof…well I guess how college is. LOL but I felt like a slut after that…and started sleeping with lots of different guys.

I eventually ended up with another serious boyfriend (again much older) but just to let you know I feel like it helps me to read about your experience because it helps me feel not so alone.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:34pm
204: Emerson says:

Tereana sorry about the HPV but you are handling it lke a rock star it seems! (((Tereana)))

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:34pm
205: Ella says:

Sassy,

Yes, I know that is why you shared.

Thank You. It takes courage.

I don’t know whether my relationship is different or not… that is what feels so scary.

I did say what I thought he was lying about…

it was him saying he was sick… and I suspected that it was actually that he was ill because he had been drinking.

And he said no.

And that is what I felt unsure about. I describe it in post 73.

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:43pm
206: Daria says:

grrr… im feelin sleepy and i dont really want to sleep… itd feel better to go party right now… hmm…

yawn…

mmm

it might feel nice to make the bed and go slepey bye too

Thursday, 7 June 2012 @ 11:45pm
207: Ella says:

Right.

This is what I have decided… and its the first time I am saying it out loud so it may not be clear and concise.

There is no way for me to know for definite of MWC is lying or telling the truth.

Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt until/unless there is concrete evidence that they were not telling the truth (ie Lilibee’s D when she caught him, and before he did the turnaround).

The only thing I can really do is trust myself.

I can say to him that I still feel very unsure.
And that I am CHOOSING to give the relationship the benefit of the doubt. I will also say that I still hope and invite him to choose to be honest whenever he has the opportunity, and how good it feels when he trusts me to honestly share things). And I can continue to show by example.

But, at the same time, I want/need to turn more of my energies back on me.

This whole thing… trying to figure it all out, it feels so draining. And my life seems to take a back seat all the time I am focusing so much energy trying to work this out, which is futile anyway.

Last night I decided I need to do something different.

Make some small changes.

I remembered how it was when I was CD-ing and how I found ways to focus on me…

Such as, no matter what was happening, if I had an important day ahead, I would wake up, and just take a minute lying in bed to focus on me and how amazing I am, and tell myself how much I love myself, before getting up.

Then I would commit to focusing on my day ahead.

This morning I did that.

I caught my mind when it started going on that constant loop of wanting to start thinking about him, and trying to analyse and work out, and brought it back to me and how I would like today to go.

So I intend to focus on my day… and the babystep I can take to make it good.

I remember how that feels from a time when I was so focused travelling up to the city to teach.

I will be warm and caring to MWC, and open, although I will still express my uncertain feelings, and any others that come up.

And I will be truly open to the fact that there may be another option for me… that there may be another man, or many men, who would be a better fit, who could acually offer me more of what I want.

I open myself up to this possibility.

And I will be open to men in my day to day life.

I will be committed to me and my energy and vibe, and I will share that with different men.

I will out me 1st and totally cherish and love my life.

The key, I think, is in babysteps.

And un-doing the panic feelings as they arise.

I love me.

Than you to all Sirens for on-going support.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:00am
208: Daria says:

Happy Birthday to me!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:22am
209: Queenbee says:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIA!!! Gorgeous Siren Goddess… have a lovely day! Love to you! xoxo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:40am
210: Daria says:

thank you Queenbee!!! yay!!!

Love All Around!!! yummmm

full queen 30 loops around the sun!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:14am
211: luzydel says:

Sometimes I feel like what I want in a man it’s hard to find…I know those are NV’s . but this is a good exercise to keep them away from my mind. I am getting busy with things that make me happy, that is all I want to be genuinely happy! I am open to welcome the right man for me if he shows up, but I am no longer feeling desperation inside of me. My happiness only depends on me and my attitude.

I used to put men in a pedestal, get nervous around them, feeling less than… I no longer do that and in some occasions I have approached them to ask questions without feeling inadequate. I have made new female friends in the process also. I am being open, but at the same time I am setting healthy boundaries to move on when something doesn’t feel good.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:40am
212: Francesca says:

Happy Birthday Daria!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:49am
213: Dominique says:

Receiving Girl – You are SO not alone in your past, but it doesn’t have to taint your present. It can enhance and enrich it.

Who cares what others think about you, your family for example. I understand it can be tough letting this one go, but when you can, the relief and release feels wonderful. And you know when you do, chances are their view of you will change though it won’t matter because you are no longer looking for their approval.

All of these things you’ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.

If you haven’t read the two part article I wrote on ultra-sensitives, this may open your eyes some more around you perceptions of you.

Part 1 is here: http://sexandheart.com/dealing-with-your-man-as-an-ultra-sensitive

you’ll see the link to part two at the top of the site page.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:15am
214: Dominique says:

Wishing you Daria sunshine and moonbeams and rainbows and fairy dreams and golden silver dust of beauty. Happy Day!!!

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:24am
215: Radlove says:

Daria,

HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!! Today is YOUR New Year! It will be better and better for you!

Love and Hugs, B

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:40am
216: Femininewoman says:

Magic Goddess wishing you miracles, supernatural abundance and all your heart’s desires.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:43am
217: Radlove says:

RG,

192 –
Thank you so much’! I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to help me there. I want to become more objective about myself, so even tho I cringe and feel embarrassed at times, I am wanting the correction. I really want to

GET

this!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:45am
218: Femininewoman says:

Ella that felt so inspiring tears came to my eyes while reading your commitment to yourself.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:49am
219: Radlove says:

Brandylion,

194 – Happy driving! How long will you be in AZ? Where in AZ will you be? I lived in Phoenix for 2.5 years.

Do you think you and Priest CD will get back together? Do you want to? My guess is you do.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:49am
220: Femininewoman says:

RadLove how about changing want to intend?

I remember in Conversations with God they said when you put want out into the Universe you constantly create yourself wanting.

Rori also suggests using INTEND in Reconnect.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:53am
221: Starla says:

I’m up early for the gym. Almost backed out of going this morning, even though my goal was to go 5 early mornings a week, but my facebook friends got me pushing through, so here I go! ((((((((my commitment to myself))))))))

I’m just oil pulling right now. I really love oil pulling (and drinking ACV). It’s clearing my skin and giving me really healthy teeth, even after just a week of doing it.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:53am
222: Femininewoman says:

I did the exercise on the train this morning and felt my vibration increase as I connected energetically with my perfect mate. I felt like I could feel him though I had to focus my mind to not concentrate on any particular face. I felt his energy and a tear came to my eye.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:55am
223: Femininewoman says:

Wish I knew what oil pulling is. I also just finished drinking ACV too Starla.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:56am
224: Femininewoman says:

Vinegar should be drunk through a straw. I understand it can damage enamel,

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:57am
225: Femininewoman says:

http://www.webmd.com/diet/apple-cider-vinegar?page=2

Apple cider vinegar is highly acidic. The main ingredient of apple cider vinegar is acetic acid. As the name suggests, it’s quite harsh. Apple cider vinegar should always be diluted with water or juice before swallowed. Pure apple cider vinegar could damage the tooth enamel and the tissues in your throat and mouth.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:02am
226: Starla says:

I’ll buy some straws tonight! Thanks, FW.

Oil pulling is taking oil and swishing it around in your mouth for 20 minutes. You can find some instructions that feel right for you on Google.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:03am
227: Starla says:

I’m gonna stay off the blog again today when I’m at work. It makes for a much happier day when I’m not stuck in my desk chair reading/typing things that remind me of CF/my ‘failed’ love life.

Instead I am going to work on my translation website if I run out of office work to do. The boss is gone today so I get that freedom:)

Everyone have a nice day:):)

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:07am
228: Cowgirl In Boots says:

You too, Starla!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:16am
229: Mel says:

((((Tereana))))

Re: 201

Thanks for sharing your story!

For me, I don’t ‘require’ a committed relationship so much as the assurance that I am not just one of many lovers. I only wish to connect intimately with one man at a time, and I want to be with a man that feels the same way. That’s just me though.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:19am
230: Femininewoman says:

RE 187 ReceivingGirl you can change that story by working on your subconscious. Knowing what I know now, I would say the gay husband thing might have been a result of too much masculine energy. I would tell myself that now that I am being a true feminine energy girl there is no way he could be attracted to me.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:31am
231: Lizka says:

Omg! The guy I had a dream about 2 nights ago is flirting with me by email!

Is that possible? I have a hot dream about a random guy and the next day he starts flirting with me???

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:38am
232: Tereana says:

Emerson 202 – I totally hear you on that.

Last week, after I told the Mountain Man that I liked him, I had a similar situation. I used a feeling message when he’d said that he’d been thinking about me. That made me feel really smiley, so I said so. Actually, I said that a “smileys” could not capture the huge smile on my face. Which was true. And then he went silent.

A minute or so later, I wished him could night, and he responded in kind (with a smiley). But since then…nothing.

I’m afraid that, in some ways, I might have “dropped the moose.” I.e. made it too easy for him. Given him what he wanted without having to really chase me for it or invest much in the situation. But it’s not as if I proclaimed my undying love for him. Ha! It’s not as if I told him we’d have an exclusive relationship, and I wanted only him and to have his children. I simply said that I thought I liked him.

And the funny thing is, after saying that, I don’t feel it quite as much – if at all.

In fact, right now, after not hearing from him for so long, I feel like just walking away. I feel bored. Yeah, sure, he’s got work and family. I get it. But if he wanted to contact me, he would. If he wanted to see me again, he would. If he was really thinking about me, he’d let me know.

And probably he will. Maybe in about 2 weeks or something I’ll hear from him. He’ll resurface from his deep, deep man-cave (more like a man-mine), and he’ll be like, “Hey, what’s up?” And then he’ll ask me out to a movie or something. He’s so silly. What a guy.

And me, in the mean time…well, I’m not waiting for him. I feel bored of excuses. I feel bored of guys who don’t have time for me and who don’t write to me at all after we’ve spent time together.

I release the need to know. I release the need to be right. I release the urge to judge, or come to a conclusion. I simply brush it aside and say, “Next!” What you got for me, Universe? In fact, you’ve already shown me something that’s next. I feel good looking forward to the next thing, instead of looking backward at the thing that’s not even there anymore. It’s not terribly compelling.

Thank you, Universe for taking care of me! Thank you for making sure that I am always happy and always have what I need and like! Thank you for sending me so many wonderful, beautiful, interesting people to love me! Thank you for demonstrating that I am beautiful, and worthy, and deserving of all kinds of love. And thank you for making me just the kind of person who can receive and appreciate all the wonderful gifts they (You) are showering on me. I feel blessed by it all. And happy to be me.

Thank you, I Love you!! xxooxoxo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:55am
233: T-Girl says:

Hi Brandylion, what part of AZ are you going to? I am in AZ too. Just be prepared, it is already hot if you are coming the the valley.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:21am
234: lk says:

***~*~*~*~*~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARIA ~*~*~*~*~***

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:25am
235: T-Girl says:

I move in with my guy tomorrow. I can’t believe my move in day is nearly here!

Admittedly I have been a wreck the past couple days. But also I seem to have been seeing him with a new set of eyes (or maybe hormones lol) and I just feel so much love for this man.

I think my sadness comes from the fact that I am moving out of my house. This house means alot to me – it was proof to myself that after my divorce that I could take care of my daughter and me and provide a nice, secure life. I found my happiness in this house. It is so bittersweet that I will be leaving it. I keep telling myself it is just walls. I can find my happiness anywhere.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:28am
236: T-Girl says:

Happy Birthday Daria!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:29am
237: Femininewoman says:

We often worry too much about what’s happening
when he doesn’t call…

In reality, worrying about it isn’t going
to solve the problem…

Constantly stressing out about
why he doesn’t call creates anxiety
which is transparent to the other person…

When he finally calls you,
your mood is affected, and you can’t
be as pleasant as he remembers you
the last time you spoke…

Not knowing the reasons he doesn’t call
can make you anxious and unpleasant to be around,
and this is what men are afraid of – they
don’t want you to change from the nice
person they met and become a crazy, mothering
girlfriend.

Elaine M.D.
The Dating and Relationship Author

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:48am
238: Francesca says:

(((T-Girl)))

Lots of happiness to you.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:58am
239: Femininewoman says:

Had to share this

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

– Epicurus

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 8:05am
240: Femininewoman says:

“Well, for me to give up my options and be exclusive with anyone “… (remember – you’re Circular Dating up to the moment he asks you for exclusivity, right?) …”I would only feel comfortable with that if I can feel secure that you’re thinking about me seriously…If you’re interested in marriage down the line, and I can feel comfortable that you know that’s what I’m thinking…”

Intimacy means TALKING

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/your-story-questions-for-rori/when-your-boyfriend-wants-space-focus-on-you/

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 8:24am
241: Rebecca says:

FW ~ I was just thinking about your points on your mood being affected when he does’ t call. I feel slightly triggered by this because surely isn’t it suppressing your emotions if you are upset, and then pretend to hide it?

I’m just wondering if it’s a fine line between just being yourself and not worrying about the outcome, and knowing that you will be fine and be able to handle it no-matter what the outcome. I don’t know – maybe things do happen for a reason? I can’t work it out, lol..

I just keep thinking about Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction – and I am so worried that I might come across like that. Believe me, I really do worry about this.

I find it’s so easy to say “don’t worry if he doesn’t call” but its a lot harder, and I feel more complex, to put into action.

I do believe that if you are having these anxieties, no matter how irrational they seem, they are there for a reason, and I she is not just silly, stupid neurotic girlie who should “get over her man”.

But yes, distraction plays a big part in not simply sitting at home and mooning over somebody. But what miniscule tit-bit has made the girl think the guy was “interested” in the first place. There has to be some sub-conscious things happening between them. Feelings, in my opinion, don’t just come out of no-where.

Either way, when someone doesn’t call me, or breaks an engagement I think to myself “great, I can do such and such now instead – maybe it’s meant to be.”

But also, if deep down inside I’m disppointed, then unfortunately, I am disappointed..

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 8:48am
242: Femininewoman says:

And yes if need be share the disappointment. The clincher for me is the intensity with which that is shared because I used to “let him have it” which resulted in the guys just pulling away. Now I try to have a back up plan so over the last couple of years when this happened I always had something else to do. That way I don’t need to scold anyone.

Some anxieties are a result of what we are thinking. So those thoughts create the feelings.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:02am
243: Radlove says:

FW,

220 – Right on!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:14am
244: Femininewoman says:

“One of the hardest feelings to feel is that of helplessness over others—over others being mean, judgmental, rejecting and not seeing you or valuing you. Most people would rather get angry or judgmental toward themselves or others rather than feel this very painful feeling. This feeling needs your deep compassion, which you can give yourself only when you fully accept that you are powerless over how others’ feel and behave”.

Innerbonding

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:14am
245: Femininewoman says:

You can’t share what you don’t have. If you are not loving yourself—through defining your own worth, speaking up for yourself, taking responsibility for learning from and managing your feelings, creating financial and relationship safety, taking care of your body and managing your time and your environment well—then you are not filled within with the love that is Spirit. We get filled up with love when we are loving and valuing ourselves. Our intent to love ourselves and to learn with Spirit about what is loving to ourselves, is what opens our heart to being filled with the love that is God.

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3163/real-love-versus-infatuation.html

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:17am
246: ReceivingGirl says:

Happy Birthday, Daria!! I think 30 was my favorite year. Have fun!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:23am
247: CurvySiren10 says:

T-Girl, thinking of you this weekend! I know it’s scary/exciting/overwhelming, but I think you’re gonna be really happy once you get settled in…

Happy birthday Daria!!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:32am
248: Goodheart says:

I’ve been away for a little bit – just peeked in & there I see:

HEARTBEAT!

Omg – I hope you remember me. We shared some laughs.

How is that beast you live with that you call a cat?

x0x0

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:36am
249: Rebecca says:

FW ~ it just worries me that if that is how you feel ie anger and disppointment then you are suppressing those emotions.

Surely, it is more about having the confidence to stand up for yourself and not be treated in a disrespectful manner.

Yes, I do agree that feeling and thinking are two very different things but it’s the “thinking” that drives us mad. We just think and think and think about it, and tie ourselves up in knots about it. We cannot put it away – we cannot compartmentalise it. But why? Are there reasons foe this? Maybe the lack of control over the situation is one reason, maybe stratergising is another, and maybe analysing as well. But why can’t we switch off from these thoughts? Maybe because we are trying to play the game, rightly or wrongly. If we did’t care we wouldn’t be trying to “improve” ourselves – physically and mentally. It’s survival of the fittest. We all do it, we all try and “improve” to get a man, it’s survival instincts of sorts.

We are confused why he hasn’t picked us, so we keep trying to improve ourselves. And look at the bits that need improving. If he doesn’t “like” us then we do want to know why. It us to move on, it’s a closesure of sorts.

I think the feelings of anxiety and panic are really just covering up the feelings of anger. If you do something else to shift your mood, you are still not dealing with your deeper feelings.

I am interested to know why you shouldn’t “let him have it?” Is it because you are scared at how powerful your emotions feel about being let down? Would you feel this angry if someone else let you down, or is it just him.

This is what I am going through at the moment. And yes, I do keep thinking about what he is doing, thinking about what are his reasons for not calling me, thinking about how he feels about me. I am thinking about all that, and it scares me.

But also I know I have got myself into this situation – and I have to get myself out.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:38am
250: ReceivingGirl says:

@213 Dominique

Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didn’t have more to share with her about my trip.

Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale btw. So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people makes comments about it, etc.

So I got angry and told him, “NO, I am not doing that!”

He said, “why not, what’s the big deal?” I said, “you already know what the big deal is, we’ve discussed this many times.”

My mom said, “she doesn’t like it when people talk about her weight.” in a snotty tone.

Then, my dad said, “we bought a new scale and I thought maybe you would want this one.”

Then, why not just say, do you want this? Why do all that when he knows I’m going to be angry? I feel they purposely antagonize me.

I have actually started letting this go in the past year. I’ve started making decisions based on my needs and not theirs. Many times my mom makes it seem like I’m the devil. My aunts & uncles at least make me feel better by acknowledging how much I do and how much I go out of my way for things. They tell me how good I am to always come to family functions, when it takes a lot of effort on my part. Most family functions are a long distance from me and I also have to pick my mom up, drop her off and stay to have a conversation with my dad about the party since he can’t travel that far. So a party for me, it an entire day event. It feels good to be acknowledged.

“All of these things you’ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.” I’ve been trying to do this without much success. It’s hard to get away from negativity, when that was your entire life. I feel happy that I am no where near as negative as my parents. I see that in them and I don’t want to be like that.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:40am
251: Radlove says:

I am SO tired after going to my niece’s high school graduation last night! I didn’t get home til after 1 am. SO hard to wake up this morning.

I took my Mom, and she cried repeatedly before and during. She said how sad it was that she was graduating. Go figger.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:44am
252: Radlove says:

Daria,

Let us know how your special day turns out for you…if any CDs make it extra special for you!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:46am
253: ReceivingGirl says:

My comment went into moderation, trying again.

@213 Dominique

Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didn’t have more to share with her about my trip.

Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale btw. So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people makes comments about it, etc.

So I got angry and told him, “NO, I am not doing that!”

He said, “why not, what’s the big deal?”

I said, “you already know what the big deal is, we’ve discussed this many times.”

My mom said, “she doesn’t like it when people talk about her weight.” in a snotty tone.

Then, my dad said, “we bought a new scale and I thought maybe you would want this one.”

Then, why not just say, do you want this? Why do all that when he knows I’m going to be angry? I feel they purposely antagonize me.

I have actually started letting this go in the past year. I’ve started making decisions based on my needs and not theirs. Many times my mom makes it seem like I’m the de)vil. My aunts & uncles at least make me feel better by acknowledging how much I do and how much I go out of my way for things. They tell me how good I am to always come to family functions, when it takes a lot of effort on my part. Most family functions are a long distance from me and I also have to pick my mom up, drop her off and stay to have a conversation with my dad about the party since he can’t travel that far. So a party for me, it an entire day event. It feels good to be acknowledged.

“All of these things you’ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.”

I’ve been trying to do this without much success. It’s hard to get away from negativity, when that was your entire life. I feel happy that I am no where near as negative as my parents. I see that in them and I don’t want to be like that.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:46am
254: ReceivingGirl says:

@217 Radlove – I know you do. So do I!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:48am
255: ReceivingGirl says:

@227 Starla

I feel envious of “if I run out of office work to do”. I have so much work, it’s never ending and I never run out of it. Even when I come close to running out of it, someone piles something huge on. I wish my job was less stressful. I keep thinking I should find something less stressful.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:53am
256: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca from where I sit it is all a choice. I have never created love by letting him have it. That to me is counterintuitive. If I want him to love me I play a part in what I create. If on the other hand he is not giving me what I need, I can choose to remove myself from interacting with him.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:53am
257: ReceivingGirl says:

@230 FW

Yes, I was always in masculine energy. I’m working on being in feminine energy

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:56am
258: ReceivingGirl says:

@231 Lizka

That is kind of cool! Maybe your dream was a premonition.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:57am
259: Femininewoman says:

“Love that lasts is love that is not based on what you get, but on the true cherishing of your own and the other person’s essence—the true authentic Self.”

Innerbonding

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 9:59am
260: siren song says:

well, guy who loves told me last night that he wants to be friends, to have me come to his workplace and visit him today, maybe have lunch this weekend (he didn’t ask for a date or time). i really don’t want to be friends with him right now and i told him that it was too hard to see him casually like this (he’s not asking me out, really, anymore) because i have feelings for him. he’s been texting me about how he loves me, misses me and wants to be my man. but he never moves on it and becomes so angry when i don’t react the way he wants me to.

he became very angry again after i said this and started calling me names, saying i was ‘crazy’. i decided to block his number from my phone.

CDing is a good litmus test for a guy’s boundaries, it seems. i feel like this guy wanted me at his beck and call wihtout marrying me, but can’t handle me dating other men. i told him i felt bad about what he was saying and didn’t want to hear any more negative things about myself.

i feel really good about standing up for myself and closing the door to negativity. i’m getting so much better at saying ‘no’ to things.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:09am
261: ReceivingGirl says:

@245 FW Thanks for the link.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:09am
262: siren song says:

FW,

thanks for the IB quotes. i love margaret paul!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:10am
263: Rebecca says:

FW – sure, I get what you are saying and for some people it is that easy and that straight forward. But for me, and many others, it’s not. Ultimately we change our thoughts and feelings and we change our behaviours. But that can take a looong time to get to.

I still have an issue though as I thought we sre supposed to be authentic. It’s not akways about saying the “right” things but trusting ourselves ro handle the scary emotional bits. Ie the raging Glenn Close moments as I call them. We are real people, with real emotions. We are allowed to rant and rave when we want to. Maybe what scares us is that the person we are ranting and raving at will not be able to handle our truth. Or we maybe can’t handle exposing ourselves to them and showing our weakness. Maybe we are scared of that person using our weakness against us. So we smile sweetly and move on.

I know that is how I feel. I tend to bottle it all up and ride the storm as it were. It’s just the bumpy ride can feel quite terrifying at times. Maybe I’ve just got to learn to go with the flow and expect the unexpected. Maybe it’s part of me letting go of my safety and security… That’s the bit I don’t like.. Or want to trade.. Hnmm….

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:10am
264: ReceivingGirl says:

@249 Rebecca

I so relate to your post. I’ve been there too and it doesn’t feel good, yet it’s so hard to move past.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:13am
265: siren song says:

happy bday, daria

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:16am
266: ReceivingGirl says:

@256 I agree with FW. Letting him have it only pushes him away. I’ve done it and regretted it. It’s better to express yourself in a non-attacking way. It’s all in the delivery.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:17am
267: Femininewoman says:

‘We are allowed to rant and rave when we want to.”

Really? That to me sounds like the reasonings of a two-year old trying to justify tantrum throwing. Plus I believe timing is very important. However, rant and rave to your hearts content, is what came to mind. Let me know what happens in the long run.

Though I already know because I used to rant and rave.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:19am
268: Femininewoman says:

siren song just one thing that jumped at me reading your comments.

Did you say what do you think?

Otherwise he might have just felt that you are just shutting him out with a slammed door in his face. What do you think seem in this scenario to give him a choice to decide if he is going to remain angry so he weed himself out.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:26am
269: Femininewoman says:

I don’t even listen to my own kids or my mother when they rant and rave.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:28am
270: ReceivingGirl says:

Yesterday was hectic. After work, I went to the hospital to visit my grandma. She had hip replacement surgery. She had a reaction to morphine and had a really bad night because of that. She was so scared, but we think she was hallucinating. I had to go grocery shopping after that, so I didn’t eat dinner until almost 9 pm.

I went to bed last night and asked the universe to send healing vibes to my grandma, Mr. Observant and myself.

I was feeling really run down, so I called off from work today. I slept till 10:30, about 12 hours of sleep and I still feel a bit tired. I got up and had a protein smoothie. My house is a bit out of order, so I need to straighten up because it adds stress for me when things are messy.

I will wash my bed sheets today so I have a fresh feeling when I go to bed tonight. I think I will also take a nice walk today. It’s a beautiful day outside and it will be a really hot weekend.

I plan on working from home this weekend. I have so much work piled up that I need to get some of it finished to reduce my stress level. That is my problem right now, too much stress and my body is not happy with that.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:28am
271: Rebecca says:

I think what scares me is how “careful” we have to be with these “men”. It terrifies me to go through life always having to watch what I say and worrying about how my body language might be read. It is such hard work. Is it always this hard… I just want to br natural and it upsets me that me being natural isn’t getting good results for me… It’s stressful..

I guess in some sick way I am getting a buzz out of going for someone who is wrong for me. On some level I must be enjoying the drama – or something..

It’s weird because I am a naturally happy, good natured person but when somebody dismisses me or winds me up its like a red rag to a bull. I always feel they are trying to put my fire out. I feel a lot of men that I “like” treat me this way. It’s not so much what they say as what they don’t say. And I’ll just be left feeling hurt and deflated.. Ho.. Hum.. I guess like everyone says – it’s all part of a learning experience…

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:30am
272: Femininewoman says:

“Would you feel this angry if someone else let you down, or is it just him.”

Did he let you down or did you let down yourself?

Expectation is the mother of disaster.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:32am
273: Rebecca says:

FW ~ When you said

June 8, 2012 – 10:28 am
I don’t even listen to my own kids or my mother when they rant and rave.

I am interested to know why, if you don’t mind sharing it? I think your thought processes are very insightful?

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:34am
274: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca it sounds like “your man picker is off”. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. The right man will help you see what you are doing to the relationship.

Your coimments suggest that your buttons are being pushed. Maybe because you have not spent time to know what your buttons are?

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:39am
275: Femininewoman says:

Rebecca I think you are too much in your head.

I don’t listen because I automatically feel turned off when I hear ranting and raving. It does not resonate with what I want in my life.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:42am
276: Femininewoman says:

” It terrifies me to go through life always having to watch what I say”

I appreciate what you are saying here but does it feel respectful to you when someone walks up to you at any time regardless of what you are doing and just lets rip whatever might be on their mind?

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:46am
277: Rebecca says:

FW – yes, I rant and rave as in I speak passionately and tell my truth. Probably not really a good thing but I feel that if I smile and say something that I don’t really mean then I come across as false. But yes, I agree, if I feel my truth will cause an argument then I will walk away.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:47am
278: Daria says:

Thank u siren song

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:47am
279: Daria says:

Thanks Curvy Siren

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:50am
280: Daria says:

Thank u receiving girl

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:51am
281: arrowofthyme says:

Happy birthday Daria!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:51am
282: Daria says:

Radlove I will thank u

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:54am
283: Daria says:

Thank u T Girl!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:55am
284: Daria says:

. Thank you Lk…

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:55am
285: Daria says:

Thank you arrow of thyme

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:56am
286: Rebecca says:

Happy BIthday Daria! Your words are inspiring!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:03am
287: Rebecca says:

FW – yes, I agree with you, my man picker is definately off – I do not want to feel attracted to this man.

The answer to your other question is I don’t know how I would feel or what I would think if someone else let me down or disappointed me. Usually it doesn’t bother me at all. But for some reason this person has got to me. Hmm…

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:11am
288: Daria says:

Yay thank you Feminine Woman!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:14am
289: Rebecca says:

FW ~ also I agree with you about being in my head – well certainly relating to this particular instance, because I am thinking about it and thinking about it, and churning it over in my head. I know I can do things to distract myself – I know I can circular date.. But when I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning it’s still there. I just can’t seem to stop. Telling myself to stop just makes it worse and I feel more and more frustrated… Hmmmmm…

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:15am
290: Daria says:

Thank you Again Radlove

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:15am
291: Daria says:

thank you Rebecca I feel great to read that

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:16am
292: Rori Raye says:

ReceivingGirl – sounds to me like you’re smack in the middle of a great school called Life 101, where you discover who you are, what you want, what you think, what triggers you, what it all does and doesn’t mean, and how to deal with people who love you, and whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good to us. In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me. For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered. When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended. I get triggered just as much as anyone. The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective. I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all. Love, Rori

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:18am
293: Daria says:

Hehe . Thank you Dominique… I received steel w shiny white stones

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:20am
294: ReceivingGirl says:

I feel so happy. Mr. Observant just texted me. “I hope your garden is growing well. How are the bunny’s doing? I am feeling much better now. Thank you for all of your texting!” I think the Universe heard me

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:21am
295: Daria says:

Thank you Much Francesca . It feels so good to feel seen yay!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:24am
296: Femininewoman says:

Rori was your post meant for Rebecca. If not it seems so applicable.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:24am
297: ReceivingGirl says:

@292 Rori

Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it. Yes, that is exactly where I am at. I feel I’m a little behind, as I’m in my mid-30s and just now starting to figure things out. Slowly, but surely, I will get there. I think you are right about triggers, but I never really considered it like that.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:39am
298: Silver Moonbeam says:

Happy Birthday Daria. xxx

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 11:48am
299: Rebecca says:

RG ~ I felt so sad for you after reading this…

Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale btw. So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people makes comments about it, etc.

So I got angry and told him, “NO, I am not doing that!”

He said, “why not, what’s the big deal?”

I said, “you already know what the big deal is, we’ve discussed this many times.”

My mom said, “she doesn’t like it when people talk about her weight.” in a snotty tone.

You are worth way more than that! I know I am new here but you come across as such a warm, loving person. Your whole post on your parents made me feel very sad to read.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:16pm
300: Daria says:

Thank you Silver moonbeam !

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:21pm
301: ReceivingGirl says:

@299 Thank you, Rebecca. It feels nice to read. I used to just sit there and not say anything to them, I’d just be in my head. That ticked them off. The past few years, I’ve started fighting, which probably isn’t a good way of handling it either. I’ll figure it out one day. They love me, they just don’t go about it the right way. Part of the problem is they don’t respect me. They expect me to respect them just because they are my parents and not because they deserve it. My brother and I just had this conversation when I was on vacation visiting him.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:24pm
302: Daria says:

“go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.”

pause – breathe – face set to feelings >:(

‘mmm… i don’t feel comfortable with that… im feeling angry being asked to do that’

Hoooh! feels soooo uncomfortable – i have similar interactions with my parents… practicing…

i feel excited for the day when I’m sayng those kind of FM’s naturally myself

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:24pm
303: Daria says:

the always deserve respect… everyone does… and me

when im not being treated with respect, its my responsibility to take care of myself

but others do not have to earn my respect. all human beings deserve my respect.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:26pm
304: Daria says:

the next step if it continues feeling bad for me is to walk away

ufff

i feel all ‘burdened’ just thinking of these situations

so uncomfortable being made fun of ugh

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:28pm
305: Starla says:

255 ReceivingGirl – giiiiirl, our company is going down the tubes right now in terms of client load, so there’s not much work to do. This free time came with a 17% paycut.

I am actually home now, and my best friend is coming over soon and we’re gonna lay out by the pool!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:28pm
306: ReceivingGirl says:

@302 Daria

I feel excited for that day too! You seem to be so good at using FMs I feel surprised to hear you say that. I’m better with FMs when I’m writing than when I’m interacting in person.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:32pm
307: Starla says:

What is with our families talking to us about our weight? Even my own family, even members I see only once every 25 years, comment on my weight when they see me. Whether they speak English, Spanish, or Dutch… And I’m not even overweight.

Blah. I intend to instill knowledge of eating for nutrition, health, reduced inflammation, etc., in my children, and only talk to them about that.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:37pm
308: ReceivingGirl says:

@305 Starla

I feel so sorry to hear that. We have so much work, but can’t afford to hire more workers. It’s strange how there is such an imbalance in this world. I hope things improve!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:38pm
309: ReceivingGirl says:

I received an email today from the Lupus Foundation regarding skin and hair loss symptoms. There was a recommendation for Nioxin to help prevent hair loss. Has anyone heard of it?

I think the Universe heard me and is on my side today.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:43pm
310: Femininewoman says:

I have heard of it RG but can’t remember right now. I would research side effects if I were you before using it.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:46pm
311: Starla says:

Re: Ranting and raving

This ALWAYS shuts me down. I can handle a little bit of it but it often escalates or there’s just no end to it. When someone is ranting and raving to me, I feel like everything I say just brings more ranting and raving on to me. It feels totally draining and turns me off (regardless of gender).

I’ve been guilty of this quite a bit in the past, too. It’s always shut people down. The last time I did this, it inspired an emotional breakdown in CF, and we all know what happened after that. Although, that is his responsibility that he had a breakdown just cuz I was ranting and raving.

I would like a life free of this. And I used to feel like a relationship without room for my depression and anger was no relationship for me, and I actually still kind of feel like that!! But I am definitely working on finding more inner peace and acceptance of myself before I get into an intimate relationship with opportunities for ranting and raving.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:54pm
312: ReceivingGirl says:

@307 Starla

My family is mostly overweight. I am petite and thin. They all think I am too skinny and an unhealthy weight. I’m 5’1 and I typically range from 98 lbs. to 110 lbs. My weight all depends on my stress levels, as stress sheds lbs like nothing for me. Right now, my stress is high and I am 99. The low end of healthy BMI for my height is 98. So, I am still considered healthy.

I don’t have an eating disorder. I prefer to be 105, that is the weight I like. My aunt told my mom I could use to eat a couple Burger King Whoppers. I just feel offended by all of it. They would not care for me very much if I constantly told them how they should be watching what they eat because they are fat. I told my dad that is just as insulting to me when people comment on my weight and how would all of them like it? He acted like he understood my feelings, but apparently not.

I like your thoughts on what you will teach your children. It’s not about the number on the scale.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:56pm
313: Starla says:

I have been professionally trained in Nioxin products and I absolutely recommend them. They feel good on the scalp and promote circulation, one of the best things you can do for hair loss/hair health in general.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 12:58pm
314: Starla says:

Receiving Girl, I agree! It’s like shaming someone for being a prude/sl*t. Not cool either way.

My mother was a competitive figure skater growing up and very small. She’s my height, 5’4″, but often only about 90 pounds or so. It’s just her frame and the way it ended up filling out. She has always been very sensitive about people referring to her as too skinny, and I feel bad for her about that.

Even she has pressured me about my weight, though… and my hair and my skin and my…. blah blah blah. She’s probably just passing along all the pressure she’s received.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:04pm
315: ReceivingGirl says:

@313 Thank you, Starla!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:05pm
316: ReceivingGirl says:

@314 Starla

Yes, probably true. I know my mom is very insecure about herself. My dad doesn’t seem to be, but I think he is too, just hides it better with his strong, controlling personality.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:08pm
317: Radiant Rising says:

The one thing that is worse than ranting and raving is ranting and raving about ANOTHER person’s ranting and raving. UGH. Can’t STAND that lol!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:10pm
318: Ella says:

Well after such a positive start to the morning I now feel completely hopeless.

I feel like what is the point?

Of anything.

At the moment it just feels like nothing works anyway.

All I keep hearing in the world is how addiction wrecks lives, how alcohol has killed another person or broken another relationship, how people who have addictions never get better and its all doomed to fail.

No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to straighten out my finances.

And I put so much energy into my businesses only to have them go off the boil and never really blossom.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot in my life to be thankful for, and yet, right now it all feels so hard.

Yesterday I lost 2 nights worth of Zumba earnings from my best class due to a mess up with the hall booking.

Today I recieved more bills, putting me totally behind again… once again I simply won’t have the money… what can I do?

I HAVE been reading in wealth consciousness, I HAVE been working on my vibe, letting go of the outcome and tapping into my passion AND I have done all the practical stuff too.

I look for new clients and I do my best to take care of existing ones.

And tomorrow I was hoping to go to the city to celebrate my friend’s birthday with her and I just don’t have the money to go.

She offered to pay but I don’t even have 50p spare, and I would feel too insecure relying on someone else completely like that… and not even having the money to get myself home, or buy food should the need arise.

So I am going to stay home and so some ironing work instead… but even that won’t get the money I need to pay the bills next week. And then there will be more charges.

What is the friggin point?

And how am I supposed to stay open to other men and other options when I can barely even function cus of feeling worry about this money.

And tonight I earnt some money from Zumba… but it was such a quiet class, and I felt so down that I immediately spent the money on food and a book for myself!

I know I am not helping myself.

And I am just finding it SOOO hard to pick myself up again and again.

I have a boyfriend who I don’t trust, who could be an addict. No money and living with parents again.

Ok so I am alive.

I KNOW that I can shift this.

Even with these difficult circumstances.

And just right now I am feeling completely and utterly hopeless.

Things feel insumountable today.

I don’ see how anything can ever change, improve or get better.

And especially with my relationship, because all I can hear are the voices that say addicts never get better.

But I tried not dating an addict, and it just kept coming back, again and again in different forms.

So then I thought, oh well, I will try accepting it and still working on me…

And I am…

And I just feel so tired.

And joyless.

What is the point?

Why are people so shoddy?

Why do addicts lie and can they really never ge better.

Oh gosh what a complainy, negative post.

And thank g*d I have this space to just pour it all out.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:14pm
319: Radiant Rising says:

I just scrolled up and caught Heartbeat!!!

Hi! I used to be Apple Jacks. Like Goodheart said, I remember we used to have a lot of laughs. Missed you!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:14pm
320: Daria says:

I used to be an alcoholic and now I most certainly Am Not!

What helped me was noticing my feelings

And doing short term vegan fasts/ diets. This helped build my focus on choosing wat to ingest.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:17pm
321: Femininewoman says:

Radiant Rising you are Apple Jacks??!! Wow.

(((((((((ELLA))))))))))))))
I feel like wrapping my arms around you.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:19pm
322: Starla says:

(((((((((((((((((Ella)))))))))))))))))))))

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:19pm
323: Femininewoman says:

My dad used to be an alcholic. He is not in the best of health at 77 but he is up and about. He just mowed the lawn yesterday to our shocking surprise.

He is been alcohol free for years. He chose to stop.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:21pm
324: Daria says:

Ella – for me the work in wealth is here

‘She offered to pay but I don’t even have 50p spare, and I would feel too insecure relying on someone else completely like that… and not even having the money to get myself home, or buy food should the need arise.’

It puts me so face to face w my unworthiness feelings,

Its about the ask and receive…

Sometimes it feels so scary and I have to look at mu shame

Omg I’m feelin some of this now around my birthday

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:21pm
325: Radiant Rising says:

Hi FW,

Did we have interactions? I’m so sorry I had short bursts on the blog. I came in a burst, dropped off, than sporadic bursts here and there. You remember me?

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:22pm
326: Ella says:

Just to sum up my last post in a few words.

I am feeling pretty hopeless right now.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:23pm
327: Dominique says:

Receiving Girl – #252 – Oh my, this takes time and a lot of practice, at least it did for me. My family’s negativity can still make me feel cringey, but I’ve taught myself to distance myself from this and them. I chose not to see them much, and now that I live across the country from my mother, I only have to talk on the phone which is easier. My dad is more or less close by, and I do visit now since I barely saw him for SO many years, and strangely his negativity, lack of attention to and interest in me no longer bothers me in the least. I can feel his love though now for the first time ever as deeply buried as it is.

You don’t have to visit them if you don’t want to. I stopped family functions about fifteen years ago. They adjust.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:23pm
328: Femininewoman says:

Yes but I used to just read back then. hehe
I had a vow to be invisible.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:23pm
329: Radiant Rising says:

(((ELLA)))

If it’s any consellation, I can somewhat relate today. There is a lot to be thankful for, but things feel very hard. Lots of love to you.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:25pm
330: Radiant Rising says:

#328 -FW Gotcha lol. Well good now I don’t feel so terrible. I thought I didn’t remember you or something!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:26pm
331: Radiant Rising says:

*Sigh* I don’t wanna go to work. Tomorrow’s my last day as a receptionist at my friend’s spa (thank God). I hopefully start my new job sometime this month.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:28pm
332: Radiant Rising says:

See you later sirens *Waves and pouts* Lol. UGH! BLECH!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:30pm
333: ReceivingGirl says:

((((Ella))))

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:36pm
334: Dominique says:

Receiving Girl – #309 – Yes Nioxin is good, about as non toxic as a hair regrowth product can be. I suggested it for my brother in law once, and he had limited success with it though he was not consistent. It’s worth a try.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:38pm
335: Dominique says:

I can completely relate to the weight thing. I too am tiny. I cannot get to 100lbs, so I don’t even try anymore. I used to get a lot of comments about this, more so when I was younger and even thinner, and it used to really bother me, but this was one of my triggers. It no longer triggers me, so when someone says something about this, I think little about it. This is their trigger, not mine.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:44pm
336: Starla says:

FW I am (selfishly) super glad you let the invisibility vow go

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:48pm
337: ReceivingGirl says:

@327 Dominique

Thank you. I’m still figuring out the best way to work with this.

I live about 40 minutes from my parents. My dad doesn’t travel far very often, so they don’t come here too much, which is a good thing. I basically see them for holidays and when they need something. However, they call constantly. I’ve stopped answering every call, but if I don’t return a call within what they consider a good amount of time, they freak out that something happened to me.

If I stay home from work sick and I don’t tell them, they get all mad about it as if I have to discuss my every move with them. The thing is they have contact info for people I know and my mom works with a couple of my friends. I don’t want them dragging them into this if I don’t contact them within what they consider a reasonable amount of time. They will act like something must have happened to me and freak out and start calling people to check on me. I don’t need that, nor do my friends.

They are better when I am in a relationship with someone. They back off a little. I feel they don’t trust I can handle things on my own, but if someone else is with me, that person is capable, when they feel I am not. It’s like I’m only worthy if I have a man.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:48pm
338: Femininewoman says:

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:49pm
339: ReceivingGirl says:

@334 Dominique

Thanks, I ordered the trial kit from Amazon. It’s not sold in any stores around me. I will give it a try.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:58pm
340: Francesca says:

(((Ella)))

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 1:59pm
341: ReceivingGirl says:

@335 Dominique

I agree that it is their trigger, but it does still get to me.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:01pm
342: Starla says:

I just told sandwich guy i facestalked him and saw he’s only 21 and I don’t wanna date someone that much younger than me. he says he’s really disappointed I won’t go out with him. Sorry, guy=/

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:13pm
343: Francesca says:

Well, it’s official.

My man is leaving on Sunday.

We’ll see each other tonight and tomorrow and then on Sunday morning, he’ll be on his way.

I feel happy for him but a little bit sad that he’s leaving.

I was spoiled, he stayed much longer than he was supposed to.

I reckon it’s going to be tough for the first week or so but I’ll get used to him not being so close by.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:31pm
344: Francesca says:

Poor sandwich guy, he won’t get to know what a siren you are.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:32pm
345: Francesca says:

Radiant Rising, I’m working too tonight.

Until 9pm.

And it’s quiet because it’s supper time.

And it’s raining.

Come in, come in, customers, I need to make money!

Don’t want to lose my job.

There’s a shortage of work for women where I am now.

If this places goes belly up, I’ll have to be super resourceful and perhaps have to build my own business.

That wouldn’t be so bad, I’ve always wanted to be my own boss.

But it’s super tough to build a business from the ground up.

Wow, I’m projecting but I have to say I think about losing my job quite often.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:43pm
346: LoveAlways says:

AHHHHHHHH
SOS
SOS

This man is a true rubber band!
What do I do? I think it was on commitment blueprint, right? I need to refresh on my tools for this one. . .
HELP.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:45pm
347: Linda says:

I feel so tired! So very depleated. My head is so messed up. I am tired of having to work and rework on myself. Do this, dont do that… say this dont say that. Lean back, take a breath….stop, dont be this dont be that. OH my gosh my head and heart are spinning.

It is all so much work and feels honestly lots of this feels very unnatural to me….

I am a pro at not initiating, calling, texting. I am a pro at leaning back, waiting for him to move toward me. You know if I did get any physical attention from him I would just stop what I was doing and sink into it, smile, open up, receive but it never went any where further …. he did not want to have physical intimacy with me… for a long time. I could not turn it around no matter what I did or did not do.

I did not look at this last relationship be a “learning experience” I was in it to be happy and it did not go that way. Nothing I did or abstained from made a difference for the better.

When I read stuff from the comment that posted here like… It is not about having the right body or what you look like… well, he said it was!

Modern Siren?? I am in independant, feminine woman… I thought I was, yet no one is practically falling over themselves for the pleasure of my company.

You know…there are so many things that are out of our control… I feel so triggered by this statement!! “YOU have the power to make a man feel so attracted to you that he can’t stop thinking about you and feels compelled to be with you and have you in his life forever”. I couldn’t make him want me or want to be with me!!

Dominique said that I did nothing wrong and this was not “my man”…. but why not? Why wasn’t he, we had intial chemisty and always good companionship (when he was awake that is)
………..

My subconscious is one h*ll of a mess! I dont know what to believe,think, feel, say, do or be anymore. I think I need to go back to being just ME. I want to flow, not be concerned if I did something wrong and if I did now I messed it up!

I feel so much anger right now. I dont have anyone to blame for my situation but me!

In post #9 this was said. “christians may refer to desire as hope” hope is a work… well in my case I have hoped and hoped and hoped…. are you familiar with the scripture that says “hope deferred makes the heart grow sick?” BINGO, thats me.

Linda

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:51pm
348: LoveAlways says:

Okay, I realized, I let this man seduce me off my bridge.

Back on the bridge sweetie – getting back into siren mode – full force and effect.

Ugh – it’s a transition! I’ll work on shifting my vibe tonight.

But I don’t feel angry or sad or anything like that. I feel mellow, I just know I need to get my booty back on my bridge.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 2:58pm
349: lk says:

ella !!! things can change SO FAST though (((((ella)))))

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:22pm
350: Dominique says:

Receiving Girl – In time it will no longer trigger you if this bis what you want. It took me a long time, so it may you too. Little by little.

As for your parents, maybe it’s time for some clear, calm boundary setting. A heart-to-heart in other words.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:25pm
351: Dominique says:

Linda If he was your man, he wouldn’t have said what he did or treated you in this way. If he was your man he would have loved and adored ALL of you exactly as you are right now.

I’m sorry you are hurting like this.

Please vent all you need/want to.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:36pm
352: Rebecca says:

FW ~ Going back to your question about when someone walks up to me anf lets rip. Firstly I didn’t mean rant and rave in quite such a dramatic sense!! But even if someone was like that towards me, it wouldn’t bother me. I quite like it because its easier for me to read than people who are polite all the time and don’t really express themselves fully. Though I don’t have a problem with these people much either. Each to his own I guess. We are all different, and from different cultures, so what is ranting and raving to one person is talking passionately to another. They is just my take anyway..

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:46pm
353: Rebecca says:

Linda ~ I feel sooo simillar. Utter confusion … And like you say so many rules to follow. I find it so difficult too… Maybe just try and take a step back and try to embrace the changes a bit at a time.

I feel very over welmed too, and I am struggling..

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:56pm
354: Sassy says:

Ella,

I am absolutely sorry that I said anything at all to you about addictions.
Of course people can and do get better. No one is ever “cured” of an addiction, but they can stop using the substance that masks whatever pain it is they are in. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen over night, but it CAN happen!
Sugar, you seem to be carrying the weight of the world right now.
You are a success; you will straighten out your finances and increase your clients. You will feel happy. Take one issue at a time, look at it from all sides and just throw a bunch of answers/remedies at the wall and see what sticks (aka brainstorming). If you need help, ask for it here. Every single siren on this blog has either been down your road and found a fix, or has been trained to help or can point you in the right direction.
You will be ok, you are a beautiful soul that just needs some support right now.
Much love

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 3:59pm
355: Sassy says:

A very Happy Birthday, Daria! I hope it is all you want it to be!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:01pm
356: Sassy says:

Starla….
I feel curious, any response from CF???

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:03pm
357: Rebecca says:

FW ~ Just a thought but I wonder if I am talking / thinking of “ranting and raving” in a far more moderate way than you are. Hmm.. I feel

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:17pm
358: Rebecca says:

Ooops! I wanted to say…

I feel curious..!!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:19pm
359: ReceivingGirl says:

@350 Dominique

Thank you. How does one set clear boundaries when they aren’t being heard or respected? I’ve had conversations with them. My father has numerous times done things that were totally over the line. I’ve called him out on them. Eventually, he backs off the tiniest bit, but then does something else. The other common result is things are turned around on me and my feelings turn into “insulting them”. My dad gets angry and my mom cries. They are great manipulators and deflectors. I just don’t know how to handle these situations.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:39pm
360: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Linda)))

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:41pm
361: Dominique says:

I hear you Receiving Girl. You don’t want to shut them out, for they are your parents after all, and they are doing the best they know how given what meager tools they were given.

Keep speaking your “truth” and in feeling messages. Make this ALL about you and how you feel, not about what they did.

this feels bad…I feel embarrassed…I feel angry…I feel unheard…I don’t want…I don’t want to feel this way with you…and so

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:49pm
362: ReceivingGirl says:

I took a 2 hour nap and am still feeling tired. I think I’ll shower and see if that helps a little.

Mr. Observant asked how I was doing. I told him I stayed home from work because I was feeling a bit run down with this flare & I slept a lot. He told me he was sorry about my flare up and asked how do I handle them.

It feels so nice talking with him and I like his openness, gentleness, and respect. I hope he calls me tonight. I’d really like to hear his voice and ask him about the past week. I’d like to have an understanding for what he goes through.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:49pm
363: ReceivingGirl says:

@361 Dominique

I will give it a try. I do forget about FMs when I’m speaking with them. Maybe that will help.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 4:51pm
364: Dominique says:

Linda and Rebecca – It’s not about rules. It’s about before reacting, checking in with yourself. Is this really about the other person? Or is this really about you and your triggers and/or sensitivities?

Was this this behavior malicious? Or was this person just being human?

We all say and do some stupid things sometimes, and it’s okay. It’s part of the human experience.

But when a behavior is a pattern, and the triggers keep coming, then you speak up, but not about them and what they did, but about you and how you feel.

You can’t make someone change. You can only change you, and if this person comes along for the healing ride, great. Not all can or want to change. You then need to decide if this is what you want for you.

xxoo

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:06pm
365: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Parents will always be difficult because you never do what they think you should do. I finally had to just go in my head and do what is best for me and my kids. I will not let anyone dictate my happiness not even my parents. I still love them the sAME…not easy especially living with them.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:09pm
366: R.N.AmazingMe says:

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things in life, I DO AGREE. Sometimes you can only hope your doing the right thing and one day you will see it.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:11pm
367: Rebecca says:

Dominque ~ I agree but when you are in the thick of it those questions, and likewise answers can seem blurry and impossible to navigate. Attraction to somebody, the wrong person, or anybody – can blur our vision so its almost impossible to ask ourselves those questions and get an honest answer. Well, that’s how I am finding it.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 5:54pm
368: Sunshine says:

I feel sad and confused. I went on a third date and traveled to this guys town (lives about an hour from me)…I paid a fee and the whole thing via train. I thought about how wrong it felt all the way there and how forward man energy it was. lo and behold he was not the same guy I was attracted to first couple of dates. He was rude, patronizing, and could not pay attention to me even when he was trying … even when I was talking about something that was really touching to me he was completely spaced out. First thing he said when I was in his car was… “could you have slammed the door any harder?!” wow….hes been calling and texting all day today so I texted “sorry your not what Im looking for” and he insited to atleast be friends bc he enjoys my company. I felt mean saying no so I said thats fine….hes been calling all day. I dont want to answer I feel so angry at this behavior and even though I do feel some attraction Im just done and dont want to stick it out no feeling messages nothing. ugh!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:06pm
369: Starla says:

Sassy, no word from CF. I actually just tried calling again. I’ll try again on sunday. I *will* get to speak my piece in a 2-way conversation where I know he heard me, and I will get his stuff back to him, and move on with the sense of integrity I’ve been agonizing over not having.

I’m not worried about looking crazy because I’m not being crazy. Crazy is dumping someone in an email after 9 months and telling them you want to spend the rest of your life with them and never giving them the respect of a 2 way conversation so they can process and move on with integrity, anyway:P. Okay, not crazy, but major avoidance issues, lol.

Anyway, I’m okay. Last time I tried calling and this time just now, I actually feel MUCH better after I try. Because I know in my heart what I am doing is right for me and not with an agenda of trying to get him back. I feel soooo much better now that I’m on a mission for ME and not for our (dead) relationship or to get him wanting me again. This is my “boy” taking care of ME and not trying to get him back. I feel very very good about this and I know this is right for me and my ability to move on with no regrets of never clearing the air.

I also feel more and more turned off by his avoidance issues, which is helping me tremendously to want him less. And it’s reminding me of how he wouldn’t talk to his own sister on his birthday and Christmas (the day after his birthday) because she and his mom were in a spat, and he wanted to avoid any potential conversations that might make him ‘uncomfortable.’ Or how he didn’t want to go to his own brother’s wedding out of protest because he felt his brother wasn’t mature enough to get married (he’s 26 and his fiance was pregnant by him — they were getting married regardless of CF’s opinion of his brother’s personality), or how he avoided this coffee shop I liked to hang out at because he felt uncomfortable needing to tell my friend that worked there that he didn’t want to be in a band with him. Or how he only had me to his house 2x for 10 minutes. Weird. I spent more time at his mother’s house and his father’s house than I did at his.

Grow up, dude. Get a spine. Speak up for yourself so you don’t end up mud-sliding all your unmet expectations on people at the last minute, and only when they come to you with their own issues first. all because you were too uncomfortable to have a voice.

I won’t be saying any of that to him, because it’s none of his business what I think of him. But it feels good to vent here:)

If he doesn’t call me back after sunday’s attempt, I’m not exactly sure what I’ll do.

I HAVE been down this road before with other men and friends, and while it feels/sounds scary to think about trying to call someone every dang day and how that might be perceived, I remember that once we just got on the dang phone and got it over with, they were NOT at all perturbed. It was their own avoidance causing them not to answer, and they always assumed I was calling to yell at them (something I need to work on in my relationships if that’s what they expect of me!), but when I’m calm and cool on the other end of the line, they actually end up apologizing for not answering sooner.

I think the most important thing here is that I do not want to get him back with this phone call… this is to just set the record straight and to apologize for the things I keep wishing I could apologize for, from one human to another, so *i* can feel aligned with my own sense of integrity and respect. And also to apologize for any pain i unnecessarily caused him. Indeed I owe the man some apologies. Whether or not he also owes me apologies (I think he does) is besides the point and a separate entity from my own culpability.

I am rambling now because I want to justify myself to the blog, but I feel really good and aligned with my choice.

It helps a lot that I am not doing this to get him back. Enough time has passed that I can see that his own avoidance issues are a BIG problem, and they continue to this day.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:06pm
370: Starla says:

Guys have been texting me quite a bit… they’re all very interested in me. But they’re not quite the “quality” I am looking for. I am going to keep feeling appreciative of these men and their gift of compliments and attention (((((men))))))) but really not settle and also keep working on raising my own vibe.

All of these men have serious red-flag issues or compatibility issues

GuitaristGuy – about 15 or 20 years older than me and always having financial responsibility issues
SandwichGuy – a little nuts/”suicidal but god saved me” yikes, and only 21 years old
RapperGuy – was high quality but just texted me to tell me he’s homeless right now. I don’t judge him, but it’s interesting that he is suddenly in a low quality place.
============================
Interesting that all the above guys are semi-famous. Too bad semi famous doesn’t make you financially responsible or emotionally stable.

Alaska – serious rejection/insecurity issues that are crazy-making, but he is financially responsible, though! yay haha. Not going to date him any more. I tried a few times and I do not feel good when these issues come up.

There is a beautiful, successful man I just see around every so often, we never speak, but he is very magnetically drawn to me every time. I find him to be just so perfect from the outside. And he still has that wedding ring on.

So, the universe says, “fret not, Starla, men adore you, and when you’re ready, you have a beautiful, high quality one coming to you! It has been written, obviously, like duhhhh!”

hehe i feel goofy. I dunno what’s gotten into me.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:14pm
371: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Sunshine))) I’m sorry. Wow, I can’t even believe he said that!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:21pm
372: Starla says:

Aw sunshine, I tell those guys my personality is too sensitive to spend much time with them, and say I hope they can understand. It’s hard to tell someone they’re a f*cking assh*le haha. I just say aw I’m too sensitive.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:22pm
373: Sunshine says:

thanks Recieving Girl and Starla…its true I am sensitive:( anyway Starla looks like youve got some interesting ones on your list!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:39pm
374: Sassy says:

Proud of you Starla. You are finding and making your way and room for your next great, better love!
I have been seriously sending out my intentions and “requirements” of the kind of man I expect to show up. I don’t necessarily need a forever after, but I have let myself be used and abused in the past and I don’t want that anymore. I’m falling in love with myself and will expect respect, courtesy, kindness, patience, good sense of humour (that is huge for me) and healthy love. I want the kind that is easy!

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:39pm
375: ReceivingGirl says:

Starla, if CF is that much of an avoider, I would imagine he will continue to avoid you, unless you trigger him in a way that brings him out of it.

ShyGuy was a huge avoider. I mean, he would drive a totally different route if we were on the same road just to avoid me. The things that got him to not avoid me were if I asked him for help, although once he avoided anyways. Or if I got so overly emotional that he felt terrible about it. The only times he didn’t avoid on his own was when he was intoxicated. It is very difficult to be involved with avoiders.

We are still friends & he no longer avoids me because I have moved past him, but it also upsets him that I did. It was so difficult because I knew he was interested, but he just couldn’t deal with it. He doesn’t date at all, hasn’t been on a date in 13 years, yet he wants to be married and have kids. I wish for his sake he’d learn to work through. He’s such a good guy.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:39pm
376: ReceivingGirl says:

Starla, what if after Sunday, if you don’t talk to CF, you write him an email so you can say what you need to say. I know it’s not the 2 way conversation you would like, but it would be something.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:42pm
377: Starla says:

376 RG, I might do that.

I am going to run into him one of these days, and would really like to be able to just wave and say hello without any unfinished business looming over my head.

For example, the band on his favorite shirt he loaned me that I want to give back to him is coming in August, and I will definitely be going because I wouldn’t miss a show like that for the world. And we share a favorite restaurant, etc…

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:55pm
378: Starla says:

well ladies, i am going to my neighborhood dive bar ALONE to have some chicken fingers and a beer. in SHORTS! That’s two things way out of my comfort zone. Be back in an hour:)

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 6:59pm
379: Brandylion says:

Radlove,

We will not get back together, unequivocally. We both put on blinders to the things that made us incompatible for a lifelong relationship, namely that he is very, very, very Catholic and I am an atheist.

For crying out loud, he felt so awful and guilty about the physical aspects of our relationship (which were, admittedly, much more intimate than he claimed he wanted in order to obey the dictates of his faith…yet I let him lead and decide just how far we were going to go, only touching him intimately once he’d begun touching me) that he quit going to confession. He told me that Thursday too.

I have realized I’m going to have to ask him not to talk about his new girlfriend if we’re going to continue our friendship because it just hurts too fu(king much. And it’s going to keep hurting until I have someone new too.

He had so many of the big-ticket (i.e. non-negotiable) qualities I want in a partner that I tried to work with the things about him that didn’t match up. It didn’t work. I was never going to be able to use natural family planning and he will not consider any other route for spacing pregnancies (because, of course, preventing pregnancies is not allowed, but spacing is). I bought a book on it a week before he dumped me so I could at least educate myself, and I realized it is not for me at all.

To use NFP, during the fertile time you have to avoid any contact that can lead to arousal for the woman because vaginal lubrication gets mixed with the cervical mucus that you have to observe to tell when you’re still fertile. This means even kissing and cuddling are to be avoided (the book I read said this!). And this is a BIG DEAL to someone like me whose primary love language is touch!

His take on things is that if you don’t want to be pregnant, you don’t have sex. Period. Even if you’re married. And if you are married, it had better be a d@mn good reason that you are avoiding pregnancy, like I would 100% definitely die if I carried a baby to term (never mind that fact that it is 2012 and women in the US still die in childbirth, so IMO *every* pregnancy is a risk to my life, health, and safety). He didn’t care at all that I didn’t want to go from an abstinent single life to a half-the-time abstinent married life (because that’s what it would be with the length of my cycles), because he thinks sex is the least important part of adult relationships.

It was never going to work, but as awful as it felt staying with him and realizing this, it still felt better than I feel now. You are right, though, that there is still a part of me that wants him back because even a relationship that was never going to work was better than being alone again.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:27pm
380: Brandylion says:

T-Girl,

I am going to be in Tempe from Saturday night through Friday, August 3. If you are in that area, I would feel open to meeting a fellow siren.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 7:30pm
381: Starla says:

That felt fun! I feel brave for going alone! The bar was full of people and I just sat at a table alone grubbing chicken and drinking a dark beer. I ate half the chicken and 75% of my beer, and left feeling satisfied. I don’t generally finish my drinks, and lately my appetite is shrinking.

And I look d*mn good in short-shorts. I still have a little cellulite on the back of my thighs, but I almost kind of LIKE the way it looks. I think it’s sexy.

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 8:03pm
382: Linda says:

Thanks Rebecca.. it feels a bit better, knowing I am not alone.

Dominique: I do not feel that he wanted to change, go for the “healing ride” He certainly turned out not to be”my man” …. I am so thankful that the undercurrent that was so rank and foul is gone. If I sink into my feelings, I felt bad most the time. Uncared for in the real sense of the word. Unappreciated, unwanted, unvalued like we women want to be. Yeah I can cook a mean supper, but I am more than that.

I just came from an evening of reconnecting with a friend (male) that I used to work with. I sat on the porch with him and smoked a cigar and drank a Stella (my favorite). He said: I know you… you gave it your best and you followed your heart and that took some courage!!… he said and a woman that will smoke a cigar on the porch with you!… now that is a rarity indeed. I laughed and felt good. I felt seen and appreciated.

Rebecca.. I agree, it is hard to know what to say in the midst of things. It is just soo much work. I have to say that I did not feel good most of the time.

I am off to bed it has been a long week!

Linda

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 8:05pm
383: Sunshine says:

So Rori teaches to always be in touch w our feelings and to say ” I feel..” but Christian Carter talks about how men are frustrated by women who are up and down with feelings/intensity especially when first dating. He says because it will frustrate the man if he cant feel like hes making her happy…..I believe him. However I feel sad thinking I cant express my bad feelings in order to appear always “cool as a cucumber”- which is what I get is what CCarter says is what men like are attracted to …
I FEEL CONFUSED PEOPLE

Friday, 8 June 2012 @ 10:01pm
384: Vi says:

Hi Sunshine,

My guess is a man would feel happy if your happiness is really authentic. In my practice faking happiness felt neither good to me nor to my partners/or CDs. Sooner or later they just withdrew.. cuz I felt afraid to upset them and also not-enough and ended up being shut down to them and – to myself.
In my practice a message can be frustrating only when it is about attacking and making a man wrong…
Making CDing about ME only (and getting out of his head truly, completely, cold turkey) made the process for me much much better feeling and less scary.. Much love to you! )

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:24am
385: Vi says:

This week I dedicated myself to forgiving me and looking for triggers that could point what I want to forgive myself for.
It didn’t feel easy first so I started from “little” things – forgiving myself for feeling tight and edgy and not wanting to vacuum the carpet and that the meal I made on wednesday was too salty.. and letting myself to sleep longer.. and then forgiving myself for thinking about all these as “bad”… and guess what – my man used to mock me (at least I thought so) or snipe, and during the whole week there was not one single word from him that felt bad to me! Men turn out to be great as mirrors ))
I also sent myself forgiveness for not wanting to talk to my mom though I had to… usually I beat myself up for being “a bad daughter” and this time I ended up thinking about myself as being one caring and good daughter cuz I made this call for her sake.. )
Woohoo! I am babystepping to MY happy-ever-after!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:17am
386: Lizka says:

Ahh sirens, the guy from work who seemed to be flirting with me is actually married. Booh.

I’am telling you, EVERY man I meet lately, is already taken. It’s crazy. Around me, only married people.

But it’s weird, he was really flirting with me, I did not dream that. I guess it was just for fun

After work, about 10 of us went to a bar for happy hour. I got there a few minutes after everyone cause I went to buy cigs and when I arrived, he had keep me a place next to him. There was a free chair between him and the girl sitting next to him, and then, everyone else… And he flirted with me all night again…

And at one point, it was funny, he said “I have this friend who doesn’t know if a girl he works with is interested in him or know. How does girl act to show men they are interested?”. I giggled and I said “yeah right your friend” and we both laugh… I am wondering if he was talking about me?

And actually, when the conversation came on the subject and I asked if he was married (this was outside of the flirtation, it was when we were all the group together talking about relationships), he was like all hesitating “well heu… yeah”

Haha I am paranoid I think. Maybe all this is in my head. It probably is. But anyway, it was fun, and at least I gain a friend at the office… but still no new CD…

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:22am
387: Lizka says:

Arrgh but I got in trouble. Not real trouble but embarrassing trouble.

I was drunk and when I got home, I emailed him at his work address because I know he sees it on his phone. Haha so not professional. Just some random stuff like “we didn’t party enough” or whatever, full of drunk spelling mistake, but the worst, is I felt stupid afterward so I sent ANOTHER email apologizing and that the first email was weird and embarassing. OMG! At least I did all this in a sireny way, in FM. Haha I’m so funny!

So I’m going to feel embarassed on Monday when I see him, but it’s ok,I’m a big girl and I can assume it. I love that I don’t kick myself down for that. I love you Lizka!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:29am
388: Lizka says:

And I also drunk texted ATW. He answered only later when I was sleeping.

I don’t think I’m going to answer. He just said “Kitten!!! ”

I don’t think this needs an answer right? Even if I’m the one who sent the first message? Anyway I’m feeling kind of turned off and blaaah about him right now. Because he said we would spend time together this weekend promised promised promised and it’s Saturday morning and he still haven’t confirm the plan and we actually haven’t talk for 2 days now. So whatever. I made fun plans with myself for the weekend.

Today, it’s a nice weather but not too warm so I’ll go to the side walk sales and maybe downtown to do some shopping and then do my grocery and maybe even go to the outdoor market for some fresh vegetables and cheese.

Tomorrow, the weather forecast says hot and sunny so I’ll go to the pool on this hotel’s rooftop downtown and spoil myself with strawberry daiquiries.

Hmmm or maybe I should avoid downtown today and tomorrow as it is the F1 Grand Prix and there is people everywhere, plus the protester. OMG you don’t know how my city is a mess right now. Poor city.

((((((((((( Montreal ))))))))))

oK so no downtown this weekend. I’ll just go to the sidewalk sales, grocery and the market and tomorrow I’ll have to find another pool or a beach to go tan at… wondering if the provincial beaches are open yet…

Yay I’m happy of my plans that include¸only me me me and me and no ATW and not asking any other friend to go somewhere with me. I am feeling independant and it feels fun. I am no more gonna stay home because I don’t have a bf or a bff to do activities with me. Starting today, I’ll do everything I want to do all by myself. Whatever.

Even for my birthday I think I’m not going to invite anyone. I’m just gonna dress fancy and spoiled myself somewhere I like, maybe with a strawberry daiquiri with vodka instead of rum and if anyone noticed that it’s my birthday, well they are welcome to join me and my daiquiri.

Wow that feels scary and a little sad. I love my birthday so much and I have always organised crazy party with a lot of people and a lot of vodka and most of the time a lot of Russians. But doing the total opposite, organising nothing and just taking me in my sexy dress for a drink feels kind of sad… But I could feel incredibly strong after that. Ok challenge accepted.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:47am
389: Lizka says:

So about ATW? What do I do? I reply or no to the message?

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:48am
390: Lizka says:

So anyway, I’m gonna go back to sleep for a few hours because I slept only 5 hours plus I am hangover so I will not survive this exciting day full of activities with my sexy little me.

I’ll be back later sirens.

Ciaooo! xoxo

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:51am
391: Femininewoman says:

Lizka there was no question to respond to

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:14am
392: Jessie1000 says:

Sometimes relationships make addicts worse.

When I worked in a geriatrics albeit a psychiatric hospital for 2years, I also saw the work done with younger clients.

They were all told the same.

Get healthy.
Be Single.
When you can handle Life on your own and be SOBER
then you can focus on relationships.

The patients were encouraged to live on their own, focus on sobriety…from alcohol to crack addictions.

That way they dont hurt their partners on the road to recovery and that way they can be self sufficient.

Self sufficiency is an imp. step to cultivate in order to recovery.

Unfortunately, living with addicts will bring a toll.

Maybe it is a loving thing to do, for some, to let people go and let them either become sober or continue on their addictions (without u and sometimes with a new partner who is also an addict)

However, there is no better incentive for an addict to get clean because his wife and children will no longer tolerate addictive behaviours in their house.

Many people were able to reconcile because the wife took this strong step. It may be the most loving thing you can do for an addict. It also is definitely the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

IS it scary? Yes.
Is it a gamble. Yes.
Will someone get better with you beside them….unfortunately, the probability is way less.
And the amount of harm and abuse to you and your family …cycles of addiction is way higher when you live with an addict.

I hope that everyone can become clear to understand that its not their job to rescue anyone.

Its our job to live and be loved.

Not many addicts are able to love you as a person when they are obsessed with some kind of drug that makes them feel better.

THe obsession over rules your place in their life….second to the liquor store. Second to addiction types of activities…bars, clubs, social parties with over drinking…not to mention drug taking activities and all the risks involved….

I feel very concerned when mental health professionals are not involved with helping the “well” partner to cope with someone who is an addict.

Addictions are symptoms of very deep seated issues that are masked by self medication.

While someone is self medicating their depressions and not getting the help they need, the partner will always be affected.

Does addiction mean the termination of a relationship? No. But codependancy can fuel on like gasoline, an addicts reason for drinking (stuff like she makes me drink…she makes me do drugs, if she wasnt so bad, mean, a b*** all the time, I wouldnt do these things ….so the addict cant see their own real deep seated issues for drinking or drugs etc.

Get help, if addictions are involved, personal counselling is wonderful for the “healthy” non addict to make safe and good choices for the family….you get help first if you are with an addict and then you can see the forest for the trees.

Ive been there, lived it and bought the tshirt but help is out there, if you are ready to be loved….

I felt incredibly moved by many of the girls experiences on this particular blog and I just want to say that Ive never found a counsellor with a long time in the addictions field and education that cant help someone to cope and to find true love….give it a try because its more wonderful than you know!!!

Bless you all cause everyone deserves safety and freedom from this kind of lifestyle…its more sick than you realize when you are in it and only after will you understand what I mean….

Kisses

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:58am
393: Starla says:

I am feeling incredibly depressed today. I am sure it is hormones. But I don’t want to move, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to meet with my buddy for a movie later….

And I would really like to at least cry or something? I dunno, I guess I’ll just post here and let some of it out for now.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:07am
394: Smile says:

I’m scared, I’m single for the first time in my life since being 14. I’m now 28. I’ve had a 10 year relationship, a 2 year and one just over a year. I’m strong and know myself well but I want a committed relationship. The guy I was with said he isn’t ready so that means I have to move on… This scares me a little! Where do I find men! I work in an all woman environment… All my friends are female! I went out last night and I realised the last place I want to meet a man is drunken in a club, somewhere I don’t go often anyway. I’ve just been to join the gym, maybe I will meet more men this way…
Joining a dating website scares the heck out of me, Ive heard lots of horror stories about weirdos.
Any advice sirens?

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:09am
395: Starla says:

Smile, yes, start making eye contact and smiling for 5 seconds with men that look interesting to you when you’re out and about on a daily basis. They generally will come talk to you when you do this, like it was all their idea.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:14am
396: Tam says:

Also feeling depressed. Stuck at my Dad’s house, no proper job, bald CD kind of poofed on me after wanting to do something this weekend (he just wrote a message NOW – but no plans). Unavailable man, well, he wrote me a message about ‘platonic being best’ last week, and I wanted to give him the ‘no friends speech’ and drafted an email and did not even have the energy to finish that – I figured there is no point, why waste more energy. I want to get back to the US but have failed to find a suitable sponsorship for a visa after the last company went bust…so I foresee having to take some shopwork or cleaning job (I have 2 degrees) here just to save some money, whilst I keep trying to get back to Florida.
If any aspect of my life had a little glimmer of hope, I would cling to it like a woman possessed…but there is just nothing coming into my direction right now, and the fact that I have no money, I can’t even go out by myself and do anything at all. Or buy nice groceries, it’s just bare necessities. i know, whinging won’t help, but I feel hopeless right now.
Maybe it’s also hormones, who knows.
Fed up.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:26am
397: Starla says:

((((((((Tam))))))))))))))

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:28am
398: Tam says:

Haha…and the only thing still left to me, the outdoors, where I had been escaping to, makes me go into an allergy induced coma everytime I get back to the house. Grasses as high as me..and their lovely pollen. Damn it, what is going on?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Thanks Starla. I stop whinging and spamming now, got it off my chest

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:30am
399: Smile says:

Starla, thank you. This I feel comfortable doing. I guess you can do this anywhere! I will try it when I go to the shops later. I’m feeling positive and hopeful. I like that you say it makes them think it was all their idea. In my head I’ve been thinking it’s me who has to do something and I feel scared by that because I wouldnt know what to do right now. If my job is to smile right now I can do that. Thank you again

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:39am
400: Starla says:

I guess I could just get up and force myself to start moving… I have laundry to get together and cleaning to do. I could set a timer for 15 minutes and just go for it…

I don’t want to:( It’s like depression is possessing me and controlling me.

Okay, I’m gonna do this.

Interestingly, if I were seeing any men right now, I would be texting them/calling them about how depressed I feel, and hoping they’d come to cheer me up.

I am going to learn how to pull out of funks myself.

Thanks for the spamming space.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:44am
401: Lizka says:

oh ok. No answer then. Thanks FW

I wonder though (not in this situation, but in general), when a guy send a text with no question, like”hey” or “kitten!! “, should we or not respond? It’s not a question, but he is definitely trying to catch our attention, no? So what do we do with attention catching but no question mark?

I agree it does not apply in this situation because with his “Kitten!! ” he was trying to catch my attention, he was replying to me trying to catch his attention drunky drunk an hour before.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:45am
402: Starla says:

Smile, will you please come back later and tell us how it went? I would love to hear about how the 5 second smile tool went for you!

I KNOW that when I feel ready to date (I’m like you — I haven’t been truly single in years and years. I’m 27), the 5 second smile tool will be a major source of men. I’m not ready for that, though. I need some alone time, though, because I don’t know myself very well in a lot of ways.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:50am
403: Lizka says:

I feel so hangover and tired… I could just stay in my couch all day and watch TV and this would feel so fun and cozy…

But I really want to go out and do something because I know I’m going to feel guilty if I stay in all weekend…

Kick your own butt Lizka and get out of this bed. There is vodka and Gatorade waiting for you in the kitchen to heal this hangover!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:50am
404: Lizka says:

(((((((((( Starla )))))))))

If you would live in my city, I’d pick you up today, go for a delicious breakfast and then we would go shopping to cheer you up!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:51am
405: Starla says:

Thanks, Lizka:) That would feel so fun!

I don’t have a whole lot of girlfriends, and I know that is also something I can change when I’m ready, but the universe (and I) really wants me to learn to manage depression on my own. When I no longer NEED other people to make me happy, I know I will be surrounded by people who only want to make me happy.

I do have one very very close friend that I can call at any time. i feel blessed. She really is enough, especially since she stopped drinking because she is pregnant. When she has her baby, the tables will turn a bit and I will be showing her the support she shows me right now.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:13am
406: Linda says:

Rebecca

I actually went back and read a most of your posts in this tread. I feel a connection with what you are saying in them and identify with your questions.

I circular dated for a year and it did help build my confidence with men. I met the man that I was with the past 2 years that way. He was the only one I connected with really. Why I dont know. If I had screened him by his report card of life and what kind of grades he had gotten in life I would have not gotten involved, but I followed my heart and not my head, something my Dad always said to do. That is why I say I have gotten myself into this and have no one else to blame but me. This relationship felt like work all the time, but you know we hear that all the time, relationships take work and effort and maybe that works out for good when two of you are doing it.

Before this last two years, I would be consumed with wonder what he is doing, want to talk, text.. etc wondering why he doesnt want to be with me etc. etc…. went on a trip and I found he was texting another woman and cut if OFF. I felt hurt and betrayed and moved on with my life. Then he contacted me again weeks later, wrote me what appeared to be a heartfelt, change of everything letter. I read it and we had what I thought was a meeting of the mind and heart and a commitment to walk together.

I consider myself to be a very practical woman. I love practically too, meet needs, step in to give a hand or help, cook good meals, keep a tidy clean house and yard. Can cut hair, find a bargin, stretch a penny, a sort of “can do woman”. I treat others the way I would want to be treated. I speak my mind when I need to. My motto has been to respond to life instead of reacting to it. A Kind word turns away rath.

My last relationship was wrong for me. I was in the midst of it and I heard clearly in my spirit… “you can have him if you want, but he is not the best for you”…. I felt laid bare and sick at my stomach.

I worked hard a letting him go and he came back but it was not the fairy tale ending… more like a soap opera and night mare. I thought got what I wanted an what was supposed to be when he came back ( I thought all my new moves and behaviors I learned here worked)…. but the reality was within a life with him I awful and it was not good for me.

I suppose I had to go all the way with this to understand fully and be released from the grips of the hope or desire to be with this person. Living with him in my life daily was no fun, nor was it satisfying to me in any lasting way.

When men dont keep their word to you, dont text, or call, or contact, or want to be with you, there could well be a million reasons and I can tell you for a assured fact that YOU and YOUR BEST INTEREST is NOT ONE OF THEM!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:17am
407: Linda says:

Rebecca

I actually went back and read a most of your posts in this tread. I feel a connection with what you are saying in them and identify with your questions.

I circular dated for a year and it did help build my confidence with men. I met the man that I was with the past 2 years that way. He was the only one I connected with really. Why I dont know. If I had screened him by his report card of life and what kind of grades he had gotten in life I would have not gotten involved, but I followed my heart and not my head, something my Dad always said to do. That is why I say I have gotten myself into this and have no one else to blame but me. This relationship felt like work all the time, but you know we hear that all the time, relationships take work and effort and maybe that works out for good when two of you are doing it.

Before this last two years, I would be consumed with wonder what he is doing, want to talk, text.. etc wondering why he doesnt want to be with me etc. etc…. went on a trip and I found he was texting another woman and cut if OFF. I felt hurt and betrayed and moved on with my life. Then he contacted me again weeks later, wrote me what appeared to be a heartfelt, change of everything letter. I read it and we had what I thought was a meeting of the mind and heart and a commitment to walk together.

I consider myself to be a very practical woman. I love practically too, meet needs, step in to give a hand or help, cook good meals, keep a tidy clean house and yard. Can cut hair, find a bargin, stretch a penny, a sort of “can do woman”. I treat others the way I would want to be treated. I speak my mind when I need to. My motto has been to respond to life instead of reacting to it. A Kind word turns away rath.

My last relationship was wrong for me. I was in the midst of it and I heard clearly in my spirit… “you can have him if you want, but he is not the best for you”…. I felt laid bare and sick at my stomach.

I worked hard a letting him go and he came back but it was not the fairy tale ending… more like a soap opera and night mare. I thought got what I wanted an what was supposed to be when he came back ( I thought all my new moves and behaviors I learned here worked)…. but the reality was within a life with him I awful and it was not good for me.

I suppose I had to go all the way with this to understand fully and be released from the grips of the hope or desire to be with this person. Living with him in my life daily was no fun, nor was it satisfying to me in any lasting way.

When men dont keep their word to you, dont text, or call, or contact, or want to be with you, there could well be a million reasons and I can tell you for a assured fact that YOU and YOUR BEST INTEREST is NOT ONE OF THEM!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:17am
408: Starla says:

I did set the timer for 15 minutes and my house is much cleaner! I feel better right now. I am now doing my oil pulling and will do some beauty rituals for myself, and then re-evaluate my mood and decide what to do next. I am just taking it moment by moment. I feel like I am learning some really important things about how to best take care of myself today.

swish swish swish swish swish ::::oil pulling::::

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:18am
409: Smile says:

Wow! So I just went to the shops just to ‘have a go lol’ whilst I didn’t manage to speak to anyone, Im not ready for this just yet until I’m more confident with it, I did catch a guys eye. It was only for 2 seconds but he did turn round and look at me again!

It’s also made me more aware of how much I go around with my head down. I’ll be looking up from now on, not at my feet lol!

Im ready for a relationship but like you Starla I think I need some alone time first. I’ve always gone from one person to the next without any time for me. It’s good that you are taking this space for yourself. I think I’ll join you lol. But in the meantime I’m going to be getting myself ready to attract the right man.

I’ve got to stay in now as I’m babysitting my nephew but as soon as I’m free I’ll be out trying the eye contact thing again. I’m excited

Hoping you find some motivation Starla. I know what those days feel like too. I find putting some good music on when your doing house jobs helps a lot.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:23am
410: Starla says:

I found the full audio of Rich Dad Poor Dad on YouTube! Enjoy:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBPsdJAzBC0&feature=related

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:26am
411: Starla says:

Smile, you sound great!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:30am
412: Linda says:

SORRY about the double post all. I clicked twice. oopps.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:32am
413: Starla says:

I feel sad to be all alone and for all the heart break and breakups I’ve been through, but I intend to see this differently from now on.

Thank you, Universe, for breaking my connections with men who:

are liars
have addictions
speak abusively to me
aren’t attractive to me
are too young for me
are poor communicators to the point of damaging the relationship
are cowards
reject me
make poor decisions

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:45am
414: Starla says:

I have a history of chasing men who reject me. I do always get them back, but it is my history nonetheless.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:46am
415: Pamelala says:

So, I’m seeing a new guy. I really like him…he’s all masculine energy, laughter, and nurture. It’s VERY new to me to be treated so well, but I’m starting to worry that he’s falling into the “instant relationship” trap.

We’ve had two dates in the past week and we’ll be seing each other today, by birthday (he’s making dinner, we’re watching a movie in his home theater (!) and having a bonfire in the backyard). He plans everything and checks in to see if his plans sound fun and interesting to me…but he has also been checking in to let me know he’s home from work and heading out with the guys and what am I doing tonight, or he’s awoken and is thinking about me, or he and his roommates are headed to dinner but can he call me later…that kind of stuf.

It’s all very sweet and I like that he’s thinking of me, but my son thinks he’s just looking for “a relationship”…that it’s not about me, per se, but the fact that he knows how to and is comfortable “doing” relationship. The son is warning me to be careful.

I was in 7th heaven with this beautiful attention, but now I’m questioning my own intuition.

We’ve already had the “I’m not having sex with you until we have a deep, trusting, emotionally intimate connection that will take time to develop and we have an exclusive relationship with the possiblity of marriage” talk and we’re on the same page with that. That was new for me, too.

I don’t really have a question, but needed to get this out in a place where others might understand the newness of being treated this way and the questioning of my own deservedness and his authenticity.

I will be working with some Rori tools to confirm that I deserve to be treated well by a man and just to check in with my feelings and “be” and let him show me who he is over the course of time.

Thanks for listening!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:52am
416: Radlove says:

{{{Brandylion}}},

379 – Bummer, sorry to hear that. Is what he is talking about the same as the rhythm method? Because if so, you can tell him the rhythm method doesn’t work.

How do I know? I’m a rhythm baby, LOL!

But thankfully my parents were pleasantly surprised when I came into the picture!

I am prolife, but that stuff he’s talking about is carrying it way too far! Noway!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:54am
417: Ella says:

Thanks for all the lovely, loving replies Sirens.

Sassy, no don’t ever say you wish you hadn’t said anything. I feel so glad Sirens share openly, even when it triggers people, it is all part and parcel of the healing I reckon.

Jessie1000 – thanks for your post. I have lots of experience of being with addicts, pretty much most of my relationships have been with people who were addicted to something or other, which makes me, or made me, co-dependant.

I have also noticed, in general, and even in myself, varying degrees of addictive behaviour in MOST people, so I do not think it is as black and white as people make out.

I have had counselling, I’ve been to Al Anon… I know all the theories and the school of thought that an addict has to be alone to get sober etc…

There is a lot to be said for that, and a lot of evidence that supports that.

Is that the case in my situation… well I don’t know.

I don’t even know anymore how much of an ‘addict’ MWC is…

His counsellor says that she thinks he uses all kinds of things, including work, to avoid some of his deep issues and feelings.

It seems like he is ready to look at those.

He has been on his own for the last year.

I don’t have to deal with eny of the destructive behaviours listed at the moment, he doesn’t go out
drinking in bars, he doesn’t take drugs etc…

Does that mean everything is solved and I will never have to deal with any of these things?

Who knows.

I KNOW I will NOT tolerate addictive behaviours, in a relationship or marriage.

The issues we’ve been dealing with are mainly about trust.

So anyway, I guess you could also say I have been there and got the T shirt… however, this time, when I realised I was developing feelsing for another person with some addiction type issues, I finally decided to just surrender. I decided to try something different and folllow my feelings, trust my boundaries etc. Instead of trying to ‘think’ my way out of it all or shrivelling up in fear.

I said ‘OK, bring it on, what have I got to learn here?’

Because this issue just keeps coming back and back and back in my life.

I am still comitted to me and my own life.

And I am thankful for this place to vent when it all gets a bit much!

Anway… I am going to write another, separate post now, because a lot has happened since yesterday.

And thanks again for all the loving support ladies.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:59am
418: Starla says:

thank you, Universe, for cutting my ties with men who:

hit me
stalk me
are selfish lovers
don’t honor my requests for space
try to control me

blah blah blah

i don’t want to focus on how bad all these men were, either.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:04am
419: ReceivingGirl says:

@394 Smile

Yes, I feel the same way. I want a committed relationship too. I’ve always had long-term relationships (serial monogamist) and I was never alone from ages 19-32.

Then, at 32, I took 3 years off to myself. Well, not completely off because I was pining and flirting with ShyGuy for that long, thinking it would transpire into something, but it never did.

I highly recommend taking some time off for yourself. See how you are at doing your own thing and not worrying about a man in your life.

This was a great experience for me and I grew a lot. I had only me to depend on and I learned so much about myself. I did a lot of reading in regards to self-help sort of things, which helped me get into me. Those books prompt personal thoughts and investigations of all sorts.

I ventured into many topics…just whatever drew my attention. It may have had nothing do to with me, per se, but it always made me consider things about myself and help learn about others.

I also am not a fan of the dating sites. I’ve tried it a couple of times, but it completely turns me off. I still haven’t quite figured out why. It may be just that I’m on display and people are commenting about me before they have even met me. I feel defensive. Like when a guy tells me I’m beautiful, I think, “you don’t even know me!” I guess that is something I have to work on.

Good luck to you.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:12am
420: Ella says:

So yesterday, after posting on here… I actually had a bit of a meltdown.

MWC phoned and I literally collapsed in floods of tears and couldn’t get myself together.

I couldn’t think clearly and I was a mess. I couldn’t make sentences or clearly express how I was feeling.

I was just feeling totally overwhelmed and not good.

My mind was thinking some really dark stuff, that I have not thought like that for ages, and I literally kind of felt like I couldn’t cope or function.

A voice in my head kept telling me to ‘Pull it together. And stop being silly, and get some substance etc… and that I could cope, because what about people with REAL problems’

I imagined if I was in a real life or death situation and of course I could pull it together.

But hearing that voice, and trying to comply with that actually felt like killing a bit of my soul!

I feel judgemental of myself for what seems to me like over dramatising this… but this is really how it all felt.

And I kept telling MWC not to come over, just to leave me alone.

I wanted to shut him out.

But he insisted.

He said he would not leave me when I am that upset.

So he came over.

He had to almost coax me into the car because I kind of froze up and I wouldn’t let him near me for a while.

When we got to his we started talking and I said I just felt so confused and overwhelmed with everything… and that I knew something was going on… something didn’t add up, with the sickness etc…

And that my life just felt like a total mess.

And then he told me…

His crohn’s disease is back.

He had had a major operation before and had the majority of his digestive system removed… and his to live with the consequences of that… I knew about that.

But anyway he said that in the last few weeks he has been experiencing symptoms again.

Last time he got ill, when he had the surgery, they told him he had to have the op, or he would only have 6 months to live. He had the disease badly.

And so he is really scared. He cried a bit.

I don’t know how I felt hearing that… kinda scared, sad, and bad for not being there for him, or giving him the benefit of the doubt…

he said he was sorry he hadn’t told me sooner, but that he had been unsure and feeling really confused.

And he is experiencing abdominal pains, bleeding and other sypmtoms.

My mind immeditaly went to the worst case scenarios, and I began to feel really, really sad.

I began imagining the worst and feeling scared.

I don’t want to lose him in that way.

He said he feels relieved that I am there for him and we can face it together. And that feels good to me, if a little scary.

Anyway I have since read up on crohn’s disease and understand that relapses are actually quite likely, but that there are LOADS of things that can be done to help.

Obviously my overfunctioning tendancies have been thoroughly tirggered so I am going to need to pay careful attention to how I handle this.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:23am
421: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Tam)))

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:38am
422: Lizka says:

This guy is incredible!!

ATW just texte me asking me the name of the restaurant where we went the other day. I told him and he says “thanks, I’m with my friend, looking for a patio to eat. Going there.”

Seriously I’ve been leaning back for 2 days and you come break this with something that reminds me that we planned to be together but that you forgot me AGAIN???

Arrrgghg I feel furious!!

And I couldn’t help my self asking if we are still planning to do something this weekend like he mentioned and he could feel my angriness.

Omg I am so mad and I want to scream my rage and cry.

I don’t even feel like going to my great nice day with myself anymore. My day just feels ruined now.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:41am
423: Starla says:

Lizka, I do not like that this man ruins your whole day. I know it’s not “his” fault, because he really cannot control your mood, but still I do not like it!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:45am
424: Ella says:

Ok so that is thing no 1 that happened.

Thing no 2 that has been REALLY playing on my mind is a business deal I have with one of my friends, who helped me by paying for some training and bits when I was starting my company, and we had said that later on she would take 25% of what the company brought in… another 25% would go back into the business and the other 50% would be to pay me.

However in reality this deal is not working out well at all.

In fact it is working out really badly for me. Meaning that I am only earning £10 each time I teach a pole lesson, which is just not practical or sustainable. And I am doing all the work of building up, marketing, running the company etc… and the teaching, and yet I would only be getting this amount, and we were calling it a partnership.

She has put in a bit of money, given me some business advice and also referred some clients. As yet she has not taken any money out…

So what she has done is also very valuable…

And I have been needing to talk to her about how I don’t feel happy with the arrangement but I have been feeling stuck and scared.

I have felt literally terrified to have this talk for fear of being ungrateful, a bad friend and also the possible repercussions, fear based stuff that my mind has been playing through and probably amplifying!

Anyway today I ended up talking with another good friend who is also a tax accountant and solicitor. And she put it to me that to call this a partnership is not right, and in terms of accounts, tax and legalities could set up a nightmare.

She suggested that it would not be fair for me to be doing all the work and this other person to be getting 25% of the income.

She asked what happens to any profits?

I didn’t know…

I realised that I need to be savvy here.

And I intend to set everything up properly and do this right. This is part of my future, and is my business, and my hard work, and I intend to organise it to the best of my abilities so that I have the best chances of success.

I feel massively appreciative of the help I recieved, and I do not intend to screw anyone over and also I am not a beggar who needs to accept scraps and any deal that is thrown my way.

So we came up with the idea that I pay back my friend for any financial contributions she has made (loaned me)… and also pay her a comission (25%) for any clients that came from her, and offer her that I will continue to pay 25% for any clients that come from her.

But that the business is mine and she does not get 25% of it all.

This feels better to me.

I still feel super scared to have this conversation with my friend. But I am committed to myself so I will. And also I don’t have the money to pay her straight back… but I can pay her back bit by bit… and I will.

I am going to script (not here) so that I can pick the right words.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:55am
425: ReceivingGirl says:

@415 Pamelala

Wow, I can totally relate. This is exactly how Mr. Observant was treating me. He made everything about me and was taking care of me. I also had a little bit of a concern about it. Do you think maybe it’s just we aren’t used to being treated so well and it causes us concern because we don’t believe there are men like this out there? So, then we question it?

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:57am
426: Ella says:

Re post 420

When I said this “and get some substance” … just to clarify, what I meant is get some backbone… I felt worried in case anyone thought I was referring to getting some drugs!

And also, MWC has an appointment with the Doctors on Monday, although alternative and natural healing methods could feel good here too.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:59am
427: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Ella)))

That is terrible news about MWC. I feel sad this is happening, but I also feel glad he told you what was going on and that it is not that he was drinking. This will help your trust issues with him and now you will be able to be supportive. He needs you right now. Sending prayers and healing vibes to MWC.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:05am
428: Tereana says:

FW – You said “some people give so that they can control others.”

This is so true, because I know that this the reason behind any of my mom’s “generosity.” it is always followed by control. At first, I feel good when she gives to me. But I also fear it. Because it is not genuine and open-hearted. It is always followed by a course of control. She uses it as a medium of control, especially if she is giving me something I need. She uses it to pull the strings.

It feels icky and gross and like betraying my trust.

My one main hope is that I do not do the same to others. But I know that this is why I have a hard time giving generously – I don’t “give” to people, because I don’t want to control. And if giving makes me feel “power over” them, I don’t want that.

I do pray that I can one day heal from this, and learn to give generously, with an open heart, and receive in an open way, without any assumption that there is a level of control on other side. Because I know instinctively that Love does not ever try to control . It just doesn’t. Because the truth is, you really can’t control anyone…

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:06am
429: Ella says:

Lizka,

A great chance to practice FMs I reckon? …

‘I’m feeling a bit forgotten, I actually feel quite upset’

And make sure that the vibe is about YOU and how YOU are feeling.

Or even ‘I am feeling really angry. I don’t want to have plans and then be forgotten about!’

I would…

Its a chance to practice being really authentic.

Unless I have missed something here?

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:08am
430: ReceivingGirl says:

@422 Lizka

I would be angry too. Are men really that dense? Sometimes I wonder. Don’t let him ruin your day. Get your butt into that sexy dress of your and strut around town turning all the men’s heads. You take control of your day, don’t let ATW control it. (((Lizka))) Have some fun girl!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:09am
431: Ella says:

Receiving Girl,

Thank You so much.

Yes I felt that mixture too.

So sad and scared to hear he is not well, and glad that he told me and that he is not drinking and I can now be there for him.

Thank You for the healing vibes to him… I believe they can really help.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:12am
432: Lizka says:

No Ella, you didn’t miss anything.

Actually, after we hang up (yes, after texting me to ask me the name of the restaurant, HE called me to make sure of the address and tell me his wonderful plan for the day with his friend), I texted him and wrote “I,m sorry if I put pressure. I just felt weird after you called me for ideas of plans with your friend when I thought we were doing something together this weekend. I felt angry and forgotten. That’s it. Have a good day. xo”

And he replied “Have a good day”.

I prefer your suggestion but I saw it too late. Does my FM makes sense anyway?

My day is not ruined after all, I dressed and I’m all ready to go. I’m feeling mad at him and even though he said we are doing something tomorrow for sure, I don’t feel too much like seeing him and I think he is just planning on invite me play freezbe with his friends in the park which is really not something I like to do and not the kind of date I like.

So I’m gonna stick to my plan of going to the pool alone. If he calls me with a better plan that feels like a date (no friends, and do something I’m going to enjoy), I’ll go, but if not, I’ll find a good FM and do my own plans instead.

Thank you for your support Ella and Starla.

Off to shopping now, I’ll be back tonight! xoxo

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:15am
433: Tereana says:

Emerson – it felt so good to read your posts in 203 & 204! Wow, I feel misty-eyed, even though I am on the train. Thank you!! I feel hugged…

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:19am
434: ReceivingGirl says:

@428 Tereana

I feel the same way about my parents giving to me. They are all about control. They are very “generous” to a lot of people, but then use it against those people.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:32am
435: ReceivingGirl says:

I feel yesterday was a tease. I haven’t heard from Mr. Observant since then and I wonder if he’s not completely better yet.

I also feel a little concerned he may think I don’t want a part of him now that he’s bipolar. I say this because on our date, he was asking me about my previous relationships, so I told him about them. I told him about the one guy who was bipolar and how he got all crazy, drank tons, had tons of prescriptions and also bought vicodan, etc. and how scary he was.

I hope he doesn’t think I don’t want a part of him because of what I said. It was a totally different situation because he was self-destructive and dangerous. Mr. Observant is doing things to make himself better. I don’t feel he is dangerous. I feel safe with him.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:39am
436: Ella says:

Hi Lizka,

I think your FM is fine.

Little tweaks for future. I would not start by apologising.

You do not need to apologise for your feelings, especially when he is the one being shoddy for forgetting your date!

And I also wouldn’t have added the ‘that’s it. Have a good day’ as it just feels kinda businessy to me, and also maybe a little inauthentic to wish him a good day when I am feeling angry and forgotten.

Like making nice which gives away my power.

Having said all that I think your FM was fine and bravo to you for saying something and standing up for yourself.

Personally I have found the most powerful FMs for me have been with I have simply expressed my raw feelings and them alone like ‘I feel angry and forgotten’ nothing else.

I have always felt scared saying it… but I sure do feel empowered afterwards, and often times it has had a powerful effect on men to, who quickly make an effort to put right the thing that has upset me, although this cannot be guarenteed of course.

It also helps weed out the duds.

I feel pleased to read that you intend to enjoy your day anyway beautiful Siren Lizka.

xoxox

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:41am
437: Starla says:

Ohh feeling so depressed today. I have movie plans later with a buddy. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have ideas about how to spend the day but I honestly feel SCARED to go out in public. I don’t know why. What oh what is my deal?

I feel terrified and alone. I am chatting with a long distance friend/guy who would date me if I lived closer, and telling him about my depression and getting comfort from him is not making me feel better by any means.

I need to take care of my own happiness.

I am going to put on some music and get out of bed and get dressed.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:54am
438: Tam says:

((((Starla))))

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:58am
439: Femininewoman says:

Lizka drunk texting don’t qualify for a response in my opinion. Reason being you want to be sure that a man feelings about you are solid when he is in charge of his faculties. Daria and others have the TRB book on texting and might be able to help with another perspective. However responding about feelings in the moment when he let’s you know he is thinking about you could encourage him to send more. Responding to every text could dumb down the attraction so I don’t respond to every

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:08am
440: Jenny says:

Yesterday I leaned forward a little with CDJim. I was talking with my mother about it some days ago.

I was feeling a little out of balance since he hadnt contacted me. Lots of NV.

She just said: “Just send him a neutral sms, course I think you made him a little insecury when you wrote “I feel a little disapointed”"

I protested, was like “I have the right to feel what I feel and say so, and dammit he is older and he have had at least 2 cohabiting relationship”

And my mother, she can be very wise: “Yes he have experience of woman, dramaqueens, woman who lies, cheat on him (I have told her stuff, he have told me) – I can bet he have never meet a woman who is so strong and soft as you, who really stand her ground, have her feeling on the outside; very feminine nad powerfull at the same time. You know this is true, you have seen the effect you have on men – he is offcourse effected by it too; you just cant see it since you are so wrapt up in your own head, judging him becourse he aint doing as you wish. He aint use to a woman who is so in touch with her feelings and godness power”

…and hmmm I know my mother was right, parts of me agree with her, other part was feeling to pride and “I want to be hunted down”

So yesterday I sen CDJim an sms:

“Hi. I feel happy and sunny when I see todays beautiful weather. I remember when we was sunbathing at Truve. I’m thinking of you and how it feels good in your closeness. I like how safe I feel in your arms. Would feel nice to meet. Hugs”

Yeah I know, leaning forward, letting him know I’m thinking of him. I sent it in the thought of “I’m a diva and a godness I can give when it feels good for me” And also knowing, if no respond to that sms, then just let him be.

It took 3 min and he text me back:

“Hi, hope we can do it soon. I have alsmot work myself to death this last week and I do not feel there seam to be an end :/ But I keep my fingers crossed that I may soon Hugs”

And it felt soo darn good..and it also made me remember an ex of mine; He couldnt see the point of just call to say Hi, he wanted to call when he knew he had time to plan a date with me. So if he was very busy, had a lot of work…and knew he was busy lots of days ahead – he simple wouldnt call, since he was…well; afraid I would be sad that he didnt have the time to meet, so he rater didnt call at all (this is way back) And I remember how much I tried to explain that I didnt care, i just wanted to hear his voice. But now I can see it in a little diffrent light, course if we talked I allways ended up by ask if we could meet; and he could allways hear how sad i become when he said no – so he rather just call me when he know he could say yes.

Now I can see…I was a dramaqueen; I said “Ok, I’m alright, I understand you are busy”..but was feeling sad inside.

Thanks universium for this leason – i can see my ex point of view soo much clearer.

Anyway today I text CDJim back:

“Hi I feel hopefull, can only imagine how good it would feel when we meet. I can think of how tough it must feel to work almost to death. I would feel very tired. I know you can do it Hugs”

And the ball is in his yard – I feel proud. A little leaning forward. It feels good, all is now in his hands.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:27am
441: Sassy says:

Ella, thank you for sharing. Keep coming here and talking, because this is a long tough road to face.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:32am
442: Femininewoman says:

Ella I just read about the Crohn’s issue. It is normal for guys to want to protect their wOmen from having to deal with such big issues. I would suggest though to see if you are being in any way so he does not feel fully safe yet.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:44am
443: Starla says:

I put on a cute outfit I’ve never worn before and did my makeup up. I’m going to walk to this clothing store I wanted to check out, the record store next to it, and then buy some things from the grocery store. I feel terrified and almost moved to tears to go do this. i don’t know why. But I’m gonna go.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:48am
444: Starla says:

i look really well put together… not at all like someone who is so depressed she’s scared to go out in public.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:54am
445: Lizka says:

I was at the side walk sales for 2 mimutes and I received a call from a male friend inviting me for a birthday party to night…

The surprising thin is, the birthday boy is my first love and I haven’t see him for like 5 years! That’s funny!!

I said yes, not really for the first love, but more for not staying home tonight. I have an occasion to party and see friends I haven’t seen in a long time!!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 12:13pm
446: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Starla)))

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 12:49pm
447: Femininewoman says:

Lizka I hope you realize this kind of thing keep happening with you every time you really lean back and focus on your life.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:24pm
448: Starla says:

Thank you for the hugs:)

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:33pm
449: Radlove says:

Ella,

420 – I feel sad with you to hear about the crohn’s disease.

I highly recommend Jordin Rubin, a naturopathic chiropractor, who had crohn’s disease himself. After trying oodles of remedies, he came up with the solution. He is now healthy and at a normal weight. He has many books, and he has what works for that.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:36pm
450: Starla says:

I am feeling better, though I know that soon I will be back in a ‘low’ place, at which point I can evaluate what I ought to do for myself:)

I walked to the clothing store I wanted to check out and got myself a denim mini skirt for $8! It will look great with those boots I keep talking about and breaking my promise about posting photos in them. Now I have something to wear with them.

And I went to the record store and found some awesome foreign movies that I just adore but have been very hard to find!! I got 3 for 20 bucks. It was my lucky day:)

And from there I got myself a boba slush tea because it was soooo hot. And off to the grocery store to grab some paper towels. And now I’m back home for a couple of hours until I meet my friend for that movie.

Movies really trigger me, especially when my heart is hurting or I am missing someone, but I am going to let the triggers just pass through me and not fight them. Basically movies of all kinds trigger me — I’ve always been so sensitive to what’s on the tv or the movie screen.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:46pm
451: Ella says:

FW

Yes… good idea

Radlove.

Yes I have been reading all about it and have found Jordin Rubin and am researching into Primal Defence probiotics, which is weird because I have noticed recently Rori mentions probiotics in a few of her posts and I felt curious and wanted to know about them for myself.

Although I feel worried about the Crohn’s… and I really do, I also feel kind of pleased that it is prompting ME to pay more attention to my diet again, and foods for healing, and all forms of healing really.

This is good research and information for me.

I have just been to the shop and bought some lovely organice vegetables to make some lovely food…

What feels challenging now, is how I can SHARE all this with MWC without overfunctioning, bossing or taking he masculine role.

He is dsylexic and finds it harder to look up and read information, although of course he is capable if he wants to…

Whereas for me its easy.

I have already learnt a TON about self healing this disease.

I was already really into self healing and am very aware of the limitations of traditional medicine and the influence of the drugs companies.

I guess I am wondering how I can share this?? And still honour the masculine.

Any ideas.

MWC has not had much regard for his health in the past. I think that is changing but I think he is unaware of hoe important diet and lifestyle are on our health and ability to heal.

This is BIG, BIGh stuff for me, that I feel really passionately about.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:47pm
452: Starla says:

One of the movies I bought is my friend’s favorite foreign film (she showed it to me the first time we ever watched), so I called her up and we made plans to go to brunch tomorrow and then come back to my house to watch it. So I have something to look forward to for tomorrow, too.

I take nice care of myself. I do. Sometimes it feels like I am carrying a sack of bricks around on my back while I do it, though.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:54pm
453: ReceivingGirl says:

@451 Ella

I was doing the same thing regarding bipolar and wondering the same thing. I don’t want to appear as being “mothering”.

Prior to this, I noticed Mr. Observant was really interested in my healthy eating. He also would talk like he was a healthy eater as well, but I don’t think he exactly is. However, I think he thinks I’m really healthy, which isn’t exactly true and he wanted to impress me. So, he would tell me what he had to eat if it was healthy. It was kind of cute.

I had told him about my blood results and my disease and he was asking a lot of questions. He wanted to understand what it was all about. I told him how I was thinking about checking into alternative medicine/homeopathic doctors and he was very interested. He told me I should do it.

I feel if I start doing these things for myself, he may start looking into it too. I may even mention his stuff periodically when talking about mine, to kind of put the bug in his pants to look it up. For example, fish oil is really good for me and I read it also helps bipolar. So, while I’m researching for myself, if I come across something, I will mention what I read.

This way it is me taking care of me and not mothering him, just forwarding on information.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 1:58pm
454: Starla says:

Ella, that is such a good question. I would like to know how to offer encouragement and information without disrespecting the masculine, too. I have seen Rori write articles here about what to do if your man is depressed, and she explains that it is okay to encourage your man to do what he needs to do to take care of his issues. But we can’t be mothering him to make sure he follows through.

I have a fb friend who used a cannabis-based oil to clear her then-fatal Crohn’s. She wrote a book about it and I’ve seen her speak at health expos. She’s on facebook, so if you’re interested (no pressure), I’ll put you two in touch.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:02pm
455: Starla says:

In general, the only way I have ever been able to help my friends and lovers adopt healthier lifestyles in not by telling them about the changes they can make, but making the changes myself and letting them see the positive results. It takes months sometimes for them to notice, but it is awesome inspiration for them.

This might be a limiting belief I have, though <3

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:05pm
456: Smile says:

Starla, Enjoy your movie tonight! I’m exited for you!
My day is over now, I live in England so night here now.

Starla I felt sad to read about your past experiences of relationships. I have been inspired by this saying
“we cant go back and change the past but anyone can go forward and create a new beginning”

Receiving girl, I think your right. Time by myself will help me to grow. I’ve called this year my year of growing. I’ve learnt so much. And I know there is more to learn too.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:40pm
457: Smile says:

The saying is actually ” nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending”
That makes more sense.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:48pm
458: Lizka says:

FW 447

Yes, I do realise it. And it feels wonderful!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:49pm
459: Smile says:

Receiving girl, I’ve been reading a lot of stuff too, to help me. I’m feeling really positive about everything, even though I am hurting spool much from the loss of my boyfriend telling me he couldnt be in a relationship right now. I have started with rori’s ebook which has taught me a lot! I want to buy the circular dating one but I’ll have to save. I’ve been left having to finance the house and live by myself which hasn’t left a lot for anything else.
I will get there eventually and will keep reading.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:57pm
460: Radlove says:

Ella,

451 – Excellent! Good for you! My Mom and I jokingly call “Primal Defense” the “dirt pill”! One health food store worker said he is just setting himself up for lawsuits by selling that, since it is stuff from the dirt and could have bacteria. I never had any harmful effects when I was taking it tho.

As for telling him, this is my personal view: when it is a matter of life and death, to he/ll with femininity. I would go for saving a life.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 2:57pm
461: ReceivingGirl says:

It took me a while, but I replied to my girlfriend who apologized for being an a$$. I told her, yea I felt uncomfortable that night and then I just starting talking about something else. It was the best response I could give. I didn’t really feel like getting into how I don’t feel comfortable around her when she drinks like that. I’m just going to remove myself from situations like that with her. I can’t control her behavior, but I don’t have to be around for it.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 3:02pm
462: Starla says:

I just drafted my letter to CF and I feel pretty good about it. I’m not sure if I’ll try calling again before I send it.

I can totally feel how this is going to help me move on big time.

I feel so glad I cut the bullsh*t and am just doing what is good for me. I wish I had done this from the beginning, but I needed to go through that period of extreme back and forth second-guessing of myself to learn about second-guessing myself and when it is and isn’t good for me.

Also, I don’t recommend this to anyone. I think Rori’s advice on handling breakups, which generally doesn’t include chasing closure, is really great and very useful. That is why I struggled for a couple months with whether or not to do this.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 3:12pm
463: ReceivingGirl says:

@459 Smile

I can’t afford to purchase any of Rori’s programs either

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 3:14pm
464: Smile says:

Receiving girl,

There must be some great stuff in there which I’ll get to eventually. For now though just using feeling messages has helped. There has been hardly any ‘drama’ to my breakup. When He called yesterday about picking his stuff up he said wow I thought we were going to have an argument but we haven’t. Since then he has called again to see how I am. Mostly because I’ve been working on me, he’s keen to know what I’m doing and it feels great!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 3:24pm
465: Tereana says:

Sia – “hair trigger” lol!

Just remember that people who have wavy or curly hair wish that it was straight. And even though I don’t do this, many spend 100′s of dollars on fancy treatments to straighten it. The same way people with straight hair get perms. No kind of hair is “objectively” better. This is subjective. Your experience is not universal. Except for the part about wanting what you don’t have. That’s fairly normal…my point is that even though you think it’s horrible and you *wish* that part of you was different, there are many women who would just love to have what you have. And honestly, I’d say be grateful, because even though I’m sure my hair looks great, curly hair is a big pain.

The real beauty is in loving and just having whatever you have.

Also, that guy must have noticed it and liked it, if he mentioned it : ) maybe it didn’t sound like a compliment, but in a roundabout way, he seems to be indicating that he’s noticing you. How cute! : )

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 3:45pm
466: lilybelly says:

Awwwww Daria, So sorry I missed your birthday!

Happy Belated Birthday and wishing you a year full of beautiful happenings.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 3:56pm
467: Daria says:

Thanks Lilybelly… Just came to see this wish and I feel loved and lovely

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:41pm
468: Daria says:

Birthday party felt amazing thanks to Me and a wonderfully supportive CD

And lovely gfs I haven’t seen in awhile

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 4:45pm
469: Femininewoman says:

Ella in Reconnect I remember Rori suggesting that she kinds of raises her hand to ask her husband if he feels open to listening to her boy(ese) thoughts about the business. In other words, the way I understand it, making suggestions in a femiminine way. If you are paying attention to your intuition you will intuit that your man is feeling off or mothered when doing this. “I want to share something I have learned but feel afraid of being overbearing or crossing your boundary of privacy” or something like that is what I would say. In a way that he would want to encourage you to share, so it could kinda feel like it is his idea.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:29pm
470: Daria says:

I feel sad scared and angry

((((Daria))))
Great job noticing

Thanks babe

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:46pm
471: Femininewoman says:

Starla I rememnber reading on one of the Questions thread Rori advising a woman to talk to the man who had disappeared for 2 months. As I remembered they were engaged on the way to marriage and he just dropped off the planet. When she finally got through to him there was another woman and he was finding fault with her. But at least she was able to move on.

The other thing that came to me after reading your comments are Rori’s words that talking builds intimacy. So I wonder if the is what CF is avoiding why he has not returned a call yet. Though truthfully you really don’t know what if anything has happened.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:53pm
472: ReceivingGirl says:

Mr. Observant said, “I feel great!” I still don’t feel he is back to his normal self. He’s not communicating like he was. I don’t trust it.

I feel worried, sad and confused. I just want to see him and hug him. That is my selfishness talking so I can feel better about this situation.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:57pm
473: ReceivingGirl says:

A robin came back to the nest. It’s strange.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:58pm
474: Sassy says:

JT is definitely out of my life and almost completely out of my head! I have no idea, still, what happened, other than I believe he’s gotten involved with someone else.
Whatever blows your skirt up, dude….his loss.
On another note, I had a CD from last year start flirting with me out of the blue yesterday. I was quite surprised. He is younger, but than so is JT. Hmmmm. Anyway, again I’m not looking for anything serious or long term. I have to get this knife out of my heart and stop the bleeding.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 5:59pm
475: Sassy says:

FW, about the talking…from what I understand, where we women have the oxytocin bond from physical encounters aka, “the love drug”; for men, the substance that bonds them is dopamine. And that is emitted from them talking!!! To us!!!
A lot!!!
I tend not to talk much, I’m much more a listener and an observer. So I definitely take notice how much talking males do around me/to me. When JT and I were at our closest, it was after we had spent quite a bit of time together not only having sex, but, when he would tell me things from his childhood, his family, his misspent youth and other things in his current life. He never said much about his feelings, but, as Bob Grant says, he told me what he thought about much of it. And I have found this to be true with my two male drs I work for. They talk to me all the time about their lives and we are very close.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 6:12pm
476: arrowofthyme says:

Ladies, I’m currently in the bathroom at a tiki themed BBQ. I feel shy here and a guy just showed up who looked so much like my ex that I just felt a wave of curiosity and then sadness. I’m going to look at the threads on this towel and get present and go back.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 6:26pm
477: Starla says:

sia/everyone — i have craaaazy curly/wavy/crimpy hair and i have spent thousands trying to tame it.

for now, i am letting it go natural and crazy. I put on preppy/expensive looking clothes and let my hair go wild. I am learning to love it:)

i’ve spent my whole life wishing I have perfect straight hair.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 6:53pm
478: Starla says:

fw, you know, I think there is another woman in the picture, too. At least, for me, the only time I’ve avoided a recent ex completely, even when I probably should have shown him more respect than that, was when I got with a new guy very quickly.

*shrugs*

I don’t feel terribly triggered about this it seems. It’s a fact of life that this happens sometimes — our relationship was very broken and I, myself, was starting to soak up attention from other men and hope one of them would ‘save’ me from my current situation. I remember the owner of my gym stopped me on the street to invite me to work out there, and that was enough to send me over the edge, albeit temporarily.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:11pm
479: Starla says:

the one thing about the letter that I don’t like is I mention I have his favorite t-shirt. it’s a rare shirt and I’m not going to throw it out. something about asking him what he wants me to do with it feels like it will be received as me trying to get something out of him, like a response, and this letter is not about getting a response. I think I am going to take that part out of the letter, and he can ask for the shirt when he wants it, since he is a big boy. I’ll keep it in the “CF box” for a while.

I’m not going to send this letter until tomorrow, so I have time to decide if I want to include something about it.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:33pm
480: Sunshine says:

VI thanks for yesterday post! love to hear reinforcement for the importance of feeling messages

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:37pm
481: Tereana says:

Mel – thank you for the hugs!

I feel weird reading that it’s not a “requirement” for you, because, actually, the way you’ve stayed it – and the intention of it is that it’s a requirement. It’s a requirement, because it’s what you want. And therefore if a man wants to connect with you, then he gets to decide if he wants to do it your way or not. And if not, then he’s deciding he doesn’t want you; he wants another woman. But that’s okay, because he’s still giving you what you want: the opportunity to connect with a man in your own way.

I admire this, and I admit I feel triggered, because I feel like I “can’t” do this. Like I’m not strong enough. This is my ideal of how strong I would be, to be able to say something like this and actually live up to it. And now I feel like the fact that I’ve never been able to do it makes me “not as good.” is one way really better than the other? I don’t really think that’s what you ate saying. Just that I personally feel conflicted, because BOTH things are true for me; I both do and do not require that a man be committed to me before I sleep with him.

How is this even possible? Don’t ask me, I have no idea. It is just phenomenally confusing.

Sometimes I require it, sometimes I don’t. I am open to myself being open to the moment instead of rigid in my ideas, because rigidity has gotten me nothing but misery and self-blame for failing to live up to my own expectations in the past. And honestly, it’s my own judgment of myself that I am in the process of letting go right now.

Gosh, I’m always writing so much. I seriously was about to write you a short little post! Lol

But thank you for using the word “requirement.” it’s got me thinking, and I actually like that term a lot better than “boundaries.” it does have to do with boundaries, but really what it comes down to is a requirement: you require that the man you are with respect your boundaries. And this inspires him to do that without *telling* him to do it.

I think that’s pretty cool. And I like it, because it feels empowering, whereas simply calling it a “boundary” makes me automatically feel as if that boundary is going to be crossed, trampled, and/or ignored. And that’s just because of the way my family is/was. So I can always use whatever tools available to help get around that very unhelpful feeling.

What I think I’m trying to say is, you just helped me without even meaning to. Thanks!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:39pm
482: Tereana says:

P.S. I believe men actually *want* to respect a woman’s boundaries. They may act like players, and push the edges of what we are comfortable with. But what they really want, in the end, is a woman who stands her ground. It can. E about sex. But it can also be about something else. It doesn’t have to be about sex. I think the more important components are the resolve and conviction. As we know, most women take sex more seriously than most guys. So you are right in one way, but that situation could be applied to anything where you’re confortable doing something you don’t want to do.

He’ll admire you for saying no. But he’ll also admire you for saying YES when you really want to. Because saying no when you really want yes, is also a form of lying…

Hm, food for thought for me… : )

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:48pm
483: Tereana says:

P.p.s. I’m a day late, but happy birthday to Daria!!

There can be a lot of pressure on the “decade” birthdays to. E perfect or special, or fill-in-the-blank kind of way. I felt that. But it looks like you’ve been enjoying it just fine.

(btw, I wasn’t much for 31, but 32 rocked!!! Just sayin’. You’ve got a lot to look forward to!… : )

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:54pm
484: ReceivingGirl says:

@479 Starla

How do you feel about mailing the shirt to him?

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 7:58pm
485: Silver-Tongued Siren says:

Bio Father has recently been so ridiculous!! It’s also been impossible to get any communication for months…

since christmas everytime we have a disagreement or he doesn’t like what’s going on and/or thinks he’s not being put first, he starts ignoring me.

He seems to believe I just don’t care – about this, about that, – nothing I do seems to be right, and as much as I try to empathize, it doesn’t seem to work.
my feeling messages often get turned around on me (making it about how HE feels), my empathetic questions trying to understand him get “well if you’d have been listening in the first place, you would know” or…etc.. or just aloof avoidance.. like he’s afraid of being judged (because his attitude is clearly wrong)… I believe he’s been seeing someone else (or multiple someone elses), and admitted it a couple months ago, but then said he “must have been joking”..etc…

After a lot of extremely ridiculous (and overreactive behavior).. I have begun getting the idea that somethings going on, as he has decided he is no longer spending the night here (even though baby and I sleep with him when he does, usually – this time we didn’t – because he wouldn’t SPEAK to me and I thought he didn’t want me around?!)..anyway he got mad and said he’s not putting himself in this situation anymore.. (even though he doesn’t seem to want to be with me anyway?!)

his new reasons for that are that MILW and I have history here, he doesn’t feel like it’s his space and he doesn’t want it to be, he feels like he’s “visiting someone else’s family” even though I’ve been open to moving in together IF we were committed to it.

All those reasons came after a lot of ridiculous nonsensical behaviour that I didn’t understand though.

he has stopped bringing diapers everytime he comes, or every OTHER time, since I had been letting MILW buy some. He stopped filling my gas tank up several weeks ago, (even though he OFFERED and DID pay for the inspection sticker 5 wks ago), didn’t pay the registration for the car like he said he would (again, on his own)…. all this after what I thought was a great two weeks together visiting..aside from his aloofness at the time for a week (didn’t touch me for a WEEK while I was in his town – not even a hug) (we had sex three times after that though, after I shared a fm about it) and that weekend after his full time 8-6 job, left me on the weekend to go “run errands in the city” ..all day. …

(this all occurred a week after the situation where we had a fight and came home because he threatened to throw my phone out the window because he thought i was texting while driving and I didn’t like the way I was being talked to or feeling uncared about. At that point he had threatened to start coming down ONLY to see the baby. And then ignored me again. )

He was more friendly and open the following week (I was there for two weeks). I came down considering moving there as we’ve discussed before. Until he can move here. NOW, after a week he wanted to know “how long I was staying” cause he thought it was only for a week..and he didn’t want me to stay because it’s just TOO SMALL. (he had to let go of a nice 2 br place bc of a bad landlord. Now it’s a tiny one br filled with his stuff.. AND he “needs another room where he can be alone when he wants to” – understandable but he could easily upgrade to a 2br.)

During this trip we also covered the topic of brothers and sisters for baby (which before he has mentioned) and now he rudely told me in a way I won’t repeat here that I could have sex with whomever I wanted- for baby to have brothers and sisters. .. I don’t really want to have kids with multiple people, it’s too difficult – for everyone, including the kids.

But still I thought the trip was okay. But we got here and that night we had sex again, but the next day he immediately began with the ridiculousness again.
getting mad at me for things that didn’t make sense, over reacting, ignoring, leaving me to do other things. no matter how I tried to resolve or understand, it only made it worse and he only kept ignoring me.

Next time he was here I leaned fwd and asked him questions about our rlsp and living together etc. He ignored EVERYthing. wouldn’t discuss. And wouldn’t discuss child support either.

We went to sign papers to put his name on the birth certificate, and while there he tried to change baby’s name to something other than what we discussed. I refused to turn it in unless we agreed. I don’t want anyone forcing anyone to do anything – breeding resentment. I want us to act with love and empathy and in agreement.. coming up with alternatives when needed, etc. He got mad though, threatened to take me to court if I didn’t sign it, took the paper thinking he could turn it in without me probably but he couldn’t.. I’ve already signed an acknowledgement of paternity with him..this was only to put his name on the birth certificate. Anyway he was mad again…the baby’s name is MILW’s last name since we thought it was our baby (even though we ALL knew there was a possibility of it being BF’s). He wanted to change it to MY last name-HIS last name – hyphenated, but take MILW’s name off entirely (even though that was his original name AND BF hasn’t been helping financially AT ALL, nor is he taking care of either of us, taking responsibility for either of us… …and for a second there he seemed to be stepping up -offering for me to move in, paying for things like gas and inspection stickers. but… I don’t know what happened. and he won’t tell me!)

so instead of discussing and figuring it out, he chose to not discuss, threaten me, and then leave without saying anything while I’m putting baby down for a nap, and continue to ignore me again for a couple of weeks. He also again avoided talking about money. – which he said we would only talk about after his name is on the birth certificate.

(his excuse for pressing me is that if anything happens to me our child would go to a foster home and he would have to go through court to get him – which is NOT the case here from what I know, esp since we signed an acknowledgement of paternity).

I needed diapers this week so I wrote him asking for money for that and if he would like to help with the car payment that would be appreciated also. I also said a lot of other things expressing gratitude which he entirely turned around into negative things. I also talked about rlsp again – as far as what I wanted for baby and us.(grr.)

I haven’t ever asked him for anything. 7 months ago he offered and still hasn’t done anything about it.

he has now written me an email that says “let me just make it clear that we do not have a physical relationship and any other kind of relationship is tenuous right now. He said he “will BRING diapers and no he will not send money especially for a car payment. MY car payment will never be HIS responsibility, and he doesn’t see why I would think it should be. ”

(I said I “believe he understands perfectly and fully why I would ask for help with living expenses”)

- even though it’s not really HELP it’s his responsibility. I can’t maintain things while caring for baby full time if I have no money to pay someone to *watch* baby regularly. Or just pay the bills. whichever.

Anyway too much to explain- let me skip to the question:

His email was angry, said “no money”, (“because it obviouslywasn’t important to me to establish his legal rights”) – even though I DID an acknowledgement of paternity and was in the midst of signing to put his name on the birth certificate when we disagreed about what we were changing baby’s name to. – And I did my best to discuss/resolve but he refused.

Now, he’s blocking me on facebook.

I believe he had partially blocked me from some things on fb before – months ago- first everyone (or more people than me anyway) from seeing his photos and friends. Two weeks ago, he blocked me from seeing his posts (other than past) – because nothing was being posted, and one thing I saw in the sidebar was not on his page. Yesterday or today, he has blocked me from seeing ANYthing on his page -no photos, info, nothing – other than one recent post which he made about our baby’s birthday (which I had “liked” before he blocked me from the rest of his page).

Why didn’t he just block me entirely, or unfriend me? May as well have. Oh – I guess so he can see my page.

He is here this wknd visiting. I have been VERY nice and light and happy. I think I leaned fwd when I complimented him but he didn’t return it, everything else was good on my part because our interactions were very limited.

I asked before he arrived if I could get a couple hrs mommy time yesterday evening (MILW wanted to take me to dinner but I didn’t tell BF that). He said yes but I ended up dealing with an emergency with my grandmother the entire evening instead, the second he walked in the door.

It seemed he was quite nice when I returned though, but still standoffish, (maybe my lighthearted non-concern threw him off after my very long response to his rejection email earlier this wk). I asked if he and baby had fun, he shook his head no, “we just went to the park and the store”. He left to stay at a friends house overnight.

Before he came down he had decided to NOT ASK but TELL me he was coming to visit the baby this weekend. I let him know Saturday was not good, but friday and sunday were.

Last night before leaving he inquired about whether I’d be gone all day saturday. I said no, I would be here 8-12 and then I would be back in the afternoon sometime, but just didn’t know when – that I could call and let him know if he wanted me to, (I think he said okay)..

He didn’t show up or call in the morning at all.
Today around 3/4pm before I returned home, MILW texted BF to ask if he wanted baby time today and told him he and I never got to go to dinner yesterday (I hadn’t told him where I was going – just that I needed mommy time) – and asked BF if he would watch the baby so we could go tonight. After no response MILW also called and left a voicemail. (I warned him this would probably make things worse but he’s a bit angry about the whole name changing deal and BF ignoring him all the time too.) BF of course ignored all of that (as he ignores any actual communication with MILW about anything important or regarding baby).

I texted BF and he said he “already made plans and thought I’d be gone all day” – I rolled with – just saying “that’s ok”, but added that I had “told him last night I would be back in the afternoon and would let him know – so I was doing that.”

I don’t think it’s fair, it’s HIS turn, and besides I feel like he’s just trying to punish me for not doing what he wants (even though I WAS filling out that paper, until he refused to communicate about it and left and ignored me!)….. and he will not make me happy if it means I’m going out with some guy particularly MILW the man who has acted as father the entire time so far and paid for everything including STILL paying for our rent and bills without any help from BF. I feel like he’s just punishing/trying to control things.

I’m not going to force him to do anything, and he probably did make plans (but I do things WITH baby all the time.).. but I’m not his mother.
or MILW’s.

How do I respond too all this “I don’t want to be with you”, blocking from fb, etc when he has been acting jealous and angry about other things but yet won’t step up to the plate?

I wish I could explain everything so I could give a clear picture. I am really baffled. A man who won’t step up entirely, is wishy washy about the moving in thing, has begun ignoring me instead of being open/honest/vulnerable and *communicating*….. so frustrated. I love baby. My rlsp with BF is extremely important for baby, but he seems to make no attempt at his previously claimed “open, honest, vulnerable” self or be willing to offer any commitment or “just do this” and does not seem to offer any empathy, even in response to my empathetic attempts at understanding his behavior.

It’s all “my way my way” … and anything I say at allll seems to just make it worse. He seems to be very upset/angry or very disinterested…and be assuming very negative things instead of assuming that I CARE and that we’re on the same TEAM.

I have also often recently felt he was just making excuses for things that were intended to sound as though he has feelings for me, but he really didn’t mean them, just didn’t want to be judged as being a..****.

I am confused about how to deal with this stubborn aloofness and open him up again!

What do I do with this man!?

If it weren’t for the baby I would just let it go and not worry about it,… even though I DO love him, but because of baby it’s really important to me that we DO have a close and loving rlsp, and maybe even necessary that we are together, to give baby a secure family, ONE home, with both parents there every night, to give him a good example of love and a healthy relationship and parents who love each other.

GRR.

Thanks for letting me vent, everyone!!! Sorry for taking up so much space!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:50pm
486: Vi says:

Sunshine, thank you for your reply, it feels so good )
My major challenges with FMs are 1) sometimes I confuse feeling hurt with being hurt intentionally. It happens when I make him responsible for me and forget that I am in charge of me and forget my boundaries and that I REALLY CAN take care of myself in most cases. Maybe you would relate to this…
2) Gosh how scary it feels to express good feelings!! ))) Yes for me it is more challenging than expressing “bad”-feeling ones. It is so uncomfortable to say to him “Thank you I feel so special or I feel like a princess or go just Awwww” when for example he opens a door of a car for me….
I noticed how focused I am on noticing bad-feeling things and how guilty and ashamed I feel usually to admit and express that I am feeling delighted .. that is my tribal issue which I am accepting and forgiving and sending love to and choose to focus on better-feeling feelings/things/thoughts….:)))
It would feel so good to know how you feel dealing with good-feelings messages.. Do you feel scary as I am or ..? ))) By the way I love your nickname! Wish you much love!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 8:59pm
487: Silver-Tongued Siren says:

It usually seems (with any man) if I can just relax, not play into their stuff, be lighthearted and believe my own story… they fall under my spell.

I just don’t quite know how to combine this when it’s hard to assume the best- when BF is ignoring me, saying all these things to me..

Just go out and do whatever and know he’ll be back? Act happy and lighthearted and just mirror his behavior?

(why do I feel lost on this right now?) .. this fb blocking thing and all of his over reactions and non communication all has me baffled.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:03pm
488: Silver-Tongued Siren says:

Daria I love your self-affirming posts. It’s not easy for me so I try to remember to praise myself for things like noticing my feelings also.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:04pm
489: Silver-Tongued Siren says:

“”“At this point it has nothing to do with technique. It has everything to do with harnessing desire.” …Sandra Beswick”"

I love that.

I also like this new blog post. I haven’t quite finished reading it but love it so far.. I used that breathe technique before during attempting to meditate.. A few times I lost track and stopped breathing, but don’t know for how long… I have no idea how long I was doing the technique for either (breathe in for 10, hold for 10, breathe out)..it may not have been for long, because I didn’t feel like I was struggling for breathe at all. interesting feeling though.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:12pm
490: Starla says:

RG, I don’t particularly feel thrilled about getting off of work early to get to the post office before closing and spending my cash to mail him a shirt. There are other options that don’t involve us seeing each other, like having his sister come get it, if he really needs to avoid me so bad, lol.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:14pm
491: Starla says:

FW, I tried to find the post you mentioned in #471. I searched through all the question threads for a couple of hours to no avail. ah well:) thanks for mentioning it to me anyway:)

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:16pm
492: Starla says:

urgh i feel so annoyed. I seem to have some sort of UTI. I have the constant false urge to pee, but no other discomfort. I feel scared to go to bed because I feel like I might accidentally end up peeing in my sleep if I have to drift off ignoring the false urges to pee!!!!

I haven’t had a UTI in years. I feel sooooo annoyed, grrr.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:21pm
493: Sunshine says:

VI, great insight..im copy pasting what you wrote and emailing into my drafts…so for me its definitely the opposite. when I share good feeling messages in my dates I automatically smile. My favorite one to say and is so true, authentic and in touch with me is “I feel relaxed.” I assume that because of past relationships that were so anxiety inducing, “I feel relaxed” is just amazing to me and the best complement a man can get even if hes unaware of why. I notice that the reaction is always good and a response like “great, me too” etc. is the usual. Anyway positive feelings are easiest and negative ones are the upmost scariest. I tend to imagine that I will not be heard and that really feels hurtful Im so afraid of this I feel scared of stating it…I think maybe my childhood? parents responsive when the atmosphere was light and happy but when I was upset, they would ignore. I think its mostly because they just dont know how to deal with tough emotions themselves and try to avoid, etc. Qarreling with sister also influences…Anyway the thought of not being heard in my worst feelings feels heavy and dark to me…good ones are easy and I feel good saying them…
Im definitely working on it, one idea is to stop and wonder to yourself what is stopping me from expressing my good feelings? what am I afraid of? this will help recognize the issue too…
right now I feel a little embarrassed feel like I just said alot of TMI but feel willing to express and also share gratitude for your response by elaborating

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:36pm
494: Brandylion says:

Radlove,

NFP is an updated version of the rhythm method. You use both basal body temperature and cervical observations (mucus and palpation of the cervix itself) to gauge fertility. If I couldn’t convince him it’s not actually a practical means of planning a family when I was dating him, I’m certainly not going to be able to convince him now that I’m his ex-girlfriend and his new girlfriend drinks the same Kool-Aid he does.

My best friend had another good observation today. She said part of what’s hurting me so much is just how far apart this new girl is from me and how extreme she is in her beliefs too. She likened it to watching someone who was mostly sober from abusing a substance relapse.

I feel weird and sad being back here in AZ without him and without him in my life (at least in his former capacity). Our housing for this summer is around the corner from where we were last summer, and we went on dates to nearly all of the restaurants within walking distance. This place has such a strong association with him for me, and I hope it feels better once classes start on Monday and I have stuff to distract me.

I am aching right now to be held tenderly. I just feel sad and alone. :’(

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:40pm
495: Sunshine says:

VI its so interesting how we are hesitant about the opposite feelings, wish I could have that strength to express bad ones. thought that comes through my mind when I think about saying “bad” feelings…what if he doesnt like me anymore? what if he thinks im too much to handel? what if he thinks i just killed it and am not attractive anymore? what if he thinks im dramatic, insecure, socially ackward, a “diva,” ewww im totally gonna record scratch this moment and make it really awckward (haha laughing right now), this will feel sooo weird and ackward, Im gonna spoil our dinner, this will be the last time he will see me Im sure of it, great now he wont respond I must sound like a freaking drama queen and totally crazy, im crazy…dont do it dont say it…
Yuck yuck yuck wish these negative thoughts would go away so I can say my bad feelings!!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 9:49pm
496: Starla says:

(((((((Brandylion)))))))))))))

I forced myself last night to go to the bar where CF and I ended up at the end of our first date. I even sat at the same table. It’s MY neighborhood bar, d*mnit.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:17pm
497: pin says:

If one woman is in love with another woman . Everything was fine when they were working together. But one friend had to move away because of work, and now does not want to speak to anther thinking that calling frequently causes adductiin. How should the other friend win back the heart? What she should say to her?

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:18pm
498: Vi says:

Sunshine, you just wrote what I was about to write how interesting it is to feel hesitant about the opposite feelings and I wished to be where you are with expressing good-feeling feelings ..:))) I won’t miss a chance to practice good-feeling messaging and express to you how happy I feel to share and get feedback and I feel all smiley and connected and I just want to say I hear you and I feel honored that you shared your feellings and experience and thoughts..:)))
It felt inspiring to read your processings. I feel my good-feeling messages stuck in my throat cuz I feel scared .. what else? I feel awfully guilty!! that’s it. my mom always looked so stiff and unhuppy….I feel tight in my shoulders remembeing it…and I feel guilty to feel better and even want and TRY to feel better than she…oh dear.. I’ve never thought I will do that but (((((((((((((((((((mom))))))))))))))))) I feel sad and sorry she felt not very happy..and I forgive myself for wishing me smth better than she had…love to all my feelings….
Sunshine, your sunshine shed the light to a huge part of me…:))))) Thank you!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:35pm
499: Lizka says:

Booh the party I went to was boring.

My friend,the one who invited me (not the first love birthday boy) was acting weird and it felt awkward.

The thing is he has a crush on me (we’ve dated a few times in the last 9 years and it always ended up the same way, me being so not into him). So he’s all about me, trying to kiss me and to touch me but at the same time, he has some very bad dating skills. Anyway, I don’t feel good around him, he made me feel like I’m not at my place.

The first love I haven’t seen for 5 years seem happy and surprised to see me, but he has a girlfriend (of course! everyone is taken around me lately) and we didn’t talk a lot.

So I left early the party, happy to come back to my bed as I am feeling super tired and still hangover a bit.

But I’m feeling weird after this night with the friend with the bad dating skills. Feeling kind of down. Oh and you know what? On my way back, I was thinking of what I would do tomorrow. Hehe, completely forgot that ATW “promised” that we would spend time together. I loved the feeling. I have my emergency case plan, so if he doesn’t call or if his plan is not like a date plan, I have my own plan and I’ll tell him in FM. I will have to prepare one. A good one. Like the best one in the world. But if he plans on just being with me, no friends around, and no freezbe involved, I’ll be happy to join him. If not, I’ll just go to the pool and work on my tan. I can’t wait.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:47pm
500: Starla says:

I just found CF’s POF profile and I am physically shaking. I don’t know why I’m shaking… it just feels so strange to see him wanting to be with anyone but me.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:54pm
501: Starla says:

and it feels weird to see him describing himself in certain ways that i just absolutely disagree with:P.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:55pm
502: Lizka says:

On another hand, the manager that was flirting with me at work and to whom I sent an embarassing email last night answered to my email in a very nice and flirty way this afternoon.

I replied something and ended the message with “Have a good weekend, see you Monday”.

But then, instead of ending the conversation, he asked me what my plan were (I mentioned the party) and kept writing to me. Wow I felt so surprised!! And at some point he even asked my phone number so he could text me instead of emailing me from his work email…

I’m feeling pretty perplexed because he kind of said he was “married” (or at least in a relationship), but he definitely seems to be flirting with me…

If he said he was married, it must be true… I guess? Why would he said so otherwise?

But than, why is he flirting with me non stop since Friday morning? I don’t get it.

Anyway, I feel strong and I don’t feel I am going to fall for him because I am aware of his situation. But for now, it’s a good occasion to practice FMs and being a siren and it’s also a good distraction and helps me take off my focus from ATW. So it’s positive.

We’ll see if there’s something hiding under this “hmmm yeah… I’m married”. I feel curious, but I’m definitely not gonna ask.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:55pm
503: Lizka says:

Oh Starla I feel so sorry.

(((((((( Starla )))))))))

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 10:57pm
504: Lizka says:

Anyway I’m off to bed cause it’s 2 am and I want to wake up tomorrow to go to the pool and also to the market and do my grocery.

Cheers sirens, have a good night. xo

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:00pm
505: Starla says:

my heart is racing, my stomach feels gurgly and like the water I just drank is trying to creep back up my esophagus. my hands feel trembly and I feel nervous like I’m about to speak in public. my face feels calm and cold. My chest feels like it’s been filled with cement.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:01pm
506: Starla says:

it’s okay, Lizka. It makes me want to be with him even less, because I witnessed some serious issues in him that he is in total denial about in the way he describes himself here. I have fantasies of him realizing how he needs to do something to help himself through some of the major issues he had, and us both healing and coming together again, and this obviously isn’t happening:P

sigh

((((((((((((starla)))))))))))))))
dear stara, you are worthy and desirable and it’s allll okay.

ohhh my nervous, nervous tummy. hello, trigger.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:07pm
507: arrowofthyme says:

starla: Look. Away.
it seems like this is unnecessary self-inflicted punishment. I know because I do it. Every time I do this with my ex’s profile, I regret it. I saw it this morning and he added a line from a Bob Dylan song and I sobbed after reading it. I listened to Adele for an hour. Did this energy meditation for a new lover that was perfect for me. And then I remembered that it’s easy to quote a song. It’s harder to actually be emotionally capable in a relationship. I felt calmer. I’m unzippering my heart every time I have the urge to see it. I want to be nicer to myself.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:10pm
508: Radiant Rising says:

Aww Starla,

(((HUGS))). I can relate to what you’re going through more than you know. And I feel proud of you for wanting to be with him even less. *Hmph* to him.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:17pm
509: Starla says:

i did look away. It’s gonna be funny when I get my POF profile up and he finds me on there. And I am going to do this rockstar thing, and really ride these triggers out and not worry so much about it.

I’m sending this email right now. good riddance, time to move on.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:24pm
510: Tereana says:

ReceivingGirl #434 – Ugh. What a yucky feeling…

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:29pm
511: Starla says:

k, i sent it.

my tummy is calming down:)

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:37pm
512: Starla says:

“And then I remembered that it’s easy to quote a song. It’s harder to actually be emotionally capable in a relationship.”

So true. Could replace the first sentence with a lot of things!!

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:39pm
513: Starla says:

I feel a competitive urge to get a profile up on POF just to “show him”. Blah. Going to avoid this. Even though it would be effective.

I do want to get a profile up, but not for that reason!!

I need to distance my (somewhat irrational) compulsion to get him back from the actions I take to move on.

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:42pm
514: Tereana says:

@ Starla – about the T-shirt: KEEP IT!!!!!

I don’t mean keep it and wear it and pretend it’s yours. I just mean, whatever you do, do not – I repeat, DO NOT voluntarily mail it back to him. You will feel soooo bad if you do that. Trust me. Sounds like a good idea right now. But I think you are spot on with keeping in the CF box.

Special/rare or not, if he wanted it back, he’d be bugging YOU to get it. He may never be back for it, and in that case, you can burn everything in the box, if you feel inclined to “clear it out” of your space. You can sell it on Ebay, if you want. If he left it with you, and hasn’t asked for it back, and hasn’t contacted you, then he doesn’t have much standing.

I also feel particularly passionate about this subject, because I know what it’s like to feel “obligated” to give stuff back to a guy and/or get your own stuff back.

After I broke up with my fiancé, I at one point decided that I wanted all my stuff back from him, and I wanted to give him his. So we made up a date for him to come to my place (he had to drive two hours from where he was at school) and do the exchange. Well, that was one of the most depressing days of my life. I really wanted to see him, hoping that it would be like before, or at least be pleasant, but it wasn’t. He didn’t even want to sit down in my house. He drove the two hours there and the two hours back. He had no intention of staying a minute longer than he had to, and it was horrible. Perfunctory. Ugh.

Also, at a later date – I can’t remember how I did it – I gave the ring back. And that was the worst. Yes, I know it is traditional for the woman to return the ring. But in my case, he had had the band made especially for me by an artist friend. It was beautiful, gorgeous. Perfect for me. And when I ended it, he told me I could keep it. The only thing I wasn’t supposed to keep was the stone – that belonged to his mother.

Well, I sent the ring back and requested that they replace the stone with something else and send me my band. Did they sent it to me? He** no. I trusted them way more than I should have. I would have been better off waiting until I could afford to replace it myself, or just had the stone removed and sent that back. I had every right to keep that ring, and it rightfully belongs to me. Every now and then, I get the notion to call his mom and ask for it, but I haven’t yet. I also don’t know if I would feel better or worse to have it now. It’s just a ring. It’s just a piece of metal. But at the time, I felt much better keeping it than I did giving it back. That felt…Uck. Like “leaning forward” in the extreme. It was way off balance. Keeping it felt grounded and like I was totally in my own domain. I only sent it back because I convinced myself to follow “social convention” – even though in my heart I could feel that that didn’t apply to me, and I knew what would have been better.

So…I don’t know if that means anything to you. But your comment triggered me.

I do believe that, if you are asking him if he wants it, then part of you is using his object as a proxy, or as an excuse to cause him to have a reason to see you. But – and I say this in the most loving way possible, and because I care about your well-being – it’s not going to turn out the way you hope. If you hear anything at all, I can’t imagine that it would be anything you like.

Right now, at least you have his special shirt, which conjures nice memories for you. You can’t have him, but you have his shirt. And if you hold on to it, who knows…maybe one day he will be back to get it. And if he does it on his own, then he’ll feel good about it – and good about you. And you’ll have a chance to practice more tools. So don’t prevent that from happening by “making” something happen….it’s less feminine that way, right?

Hope you don’t feel like I’m being pushy. Just strongly opinionated, based on experience : )

xoxo

Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:56pm
515: Tereana says:

{{{{Starla}}}}

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:00am
516: Starla says:

Tereana, you do not sound pushy at all. I completely agree with you! And I enjoyed reading your stories about your ex fiance. That sucks about the ring. I hope you’ll buy yourself a new ring if you haven’t already:)

I did not say anything about the shirt.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:03am
517: Tereana says:

I think Pink has a song about “so what, I’m a rock star…I don’t need you…I’m alright” etc. And it’s cool when she sings it, because she actually is a rockstar. Which somehow makes it more genuine for everyone, I say ; )

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:08am
518: Tereana says:

Thank you, Starla! I have plenty of rings. That one is special and unique and completely irreplaceable. It has a history and a story, and TBH, I’m not even sure I want it with a different stone in it…I just wish I hadn’t been so quick to send it back. (Again, it was probably just another made-up excuse to have an interaction with him and/or his family…)

I made a painting of it before I sent it. And I have pictures. That’s enough for me.

Glad you did what made you feel good! : )

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:11am
519: Starla says:

GAWD I feel SO MUCH BETTER. No more feeling torn up because of the things I wish I could say, no more trying to reach him so I can say these things. No more thinking I “missed out” on the love of my life, because he is clearly in no shape to be that for me, at least right now. No more wondering if he’ll finally contact me any day now.

I am going to go to bed tonight with my palms open to the universe, unzippering my heart and feeling so peaceful and full of gratitude for my beautiful life and how much I have learned and grown as a result of this experience.

Not ready for bed just yet though:)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:12am
520: Tereana says:

Never mind that old ring, anyway…

I recently had an idea for an engagement ring design that I would like, and so I decided to sketch it out. I love how it turned out, and I have it in a place where I look at it every day. Not like a shrine or something. It’s just on the top of a pile of drawings.

I am putting new ideas out to the universe. Why spend all my energy on the old ring that no longer serves me? The ring I should be really interested in is the NEXT ring I’m going to get. Because THAT ring is going to mean something….

And I can feel how powerful it is to say that right now, because I can also feel that it’s true….

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:15am
521: Tereana says:

Yay, Starla! That sounds like a good idea…I think I might try going to sleep that way, too! : }

I’m hoping to head to bed soon. I’m just eating some popcorn, and reading the blog, because I can’t sleep on an empty stomach… : )

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:18am
522: Radiant Rising says:

I got my period today and I have so much suppressed anger bubbling up inside of me and I can’t sleep. I feel like, I’m alone in caring for the world or something. Lol it doesn’t make any sense but I don’t know how else to articulate it. I just feel like growling at the world and telling everyone to sit down and shut up. *Hmph*

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:30am
523: Tam says:

(((((Starla)))) Jeppers, Creepers, the old POF.. that has hindered and helped me many times. I discovered when Mr U and I were dating, that he as soon as he left my place logged on there to check out new girls…then I finished it with him. Next time we got together he deleted his profile (and put another one up making himself 10 years younger)…when I found it same story, I moved away from it all. It helped me to recognise that I do not want a man who is looking for something/someone else. Yes, I am no model (and he is looking for the 6 foot big boobed blonde model type), I am 5 foot something, brunette, but in pretty good shape and I get plenty of male attraction. I feel that if I am not what a man wants, I have zero influence on that, so it makes me feel chilled – because I am me and will always be me and I love me (trying).
Same when bald CD poofed on me, he said something about ‘shame you live so far away’…1 hour by train – I went there once, he came here once. No big deal. He decided to stay at home this weekend and browse POF instead, well fine then – so be it. He is no oil painting, and if he doesn’t make more effort, and prefers to be on the internet rather than with me – good riddance, I am not going to worry.
Wish you all lots of love and light…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:32am
524: Radiant Rising says:

Starla, it’s a joy to read your process. Yay you.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:32am
525: Starla says:

Tereana 520, I got the idea from Siren Angel and just ran with it:). Siren Angel rocks:):)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:36am
526: Tereana says:

Sometimes I feel frustrated. I’ve been circular dating for over a year and a half. Recently, I happened to see my first-ever C-date walking in the subway station with his GF. As far as I know, she was the next person that he dated after me. And we didn’t even date that long. But it means they’ve been together probably over a year now. And they looked pretty happy together. And here I am….*sigh* Still going out with lots of guys. Still “experimenting,” still “practicing,” and still recovering from lots of stuff.

I feel “special” – and unfortunately not in the good way. Although I suppose it’s good. It’s just me. And maybe this is just my timeline. I don’t know why, but somehow, even though I might want it to be happening for me right now, it’s seems that now is not the right time…

I thank my orchids (courtesy of the Orchid Man – ha!) for teaching me about patience. You can’t rush an orchid.

I have this one really cool orchid that he bought me. It hangs on the wall, and I must say, it looks f-ing spectacular – even when it’s not blooming.

Now I’ve never had a “green thumb” – far from it. And it didn’t have any blooms when we got it. So I didn’t and don’t know really what to expect. A month or so ago, it started to send out some kind of shoot. Then I saw another, and then another. There are three growing things coming out of it, and to be honest, I have no idea what any of them are. They could be new leaves, for all I know. But I am guessing/hoping that at least one of them is going to turn out to be a bloom.

It grows sooo slowly. But I see it every day. I water it every morning, and I can see that it’s growing and changing, even if it’s not very fast. And it’s exciting to see the changes and anticipate whatever it is that is going to arrive, despite not knowing what it’s going to look like. And that’s all part of the fun. It’s part of the process. I guess it has to be the same with relationships – even my own relationship progress.

Maybe other people bloom up sooner, and that’s just fine for them. That’s their schedule.

I am a slow-moving, delicate orchid. But even though no one can see my blooms yet, I have a feeling they are amazing. They are spectacular. They are the most brilliant blooms anyone has ever seen! And not only that, they are going to last a loooong time.

So, I’m learning. And I’m trusting my orchid. Because right now, my orchid is telling me that it will all be worth the wait…Thank you, Orchid!

And thank you, Orchid Man ; )

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:37am
527: Starla says:

Thank you so much Tam and Radiant Rising

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:39am
528: Radiant Rising says:

I don’t know if I have what it takes to be in a serious relationship. I have too many fears. I just told my most darling friend that intimacy freaks me out. Ever since I was a girl I don’t want to deal with morning breath, bad hair days and smelly feet. Not very appealing.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:46am
529: Starla says:

eeeeeeee! i wish i could celebrate somehow right now, but really I should just go to bed!! But I feel so happy! I’ll never contact him again! I’ll see him at concerts when I’m walking up to the bar, and say “oh hey!” and he can eat his heart out when he makes awkward small talk and I just say “hey I should get back to my friend, they’re waiting for me” with a peaceful smile. Because I’ll know how amazing I look and how much I’ve grown emotionally, and that I’m on my bridge and he can’t change that, ever. Or we’ll get matched up on POF (bound to happen — we share the same interests and are looking for the same type of relationship) and it will be HIS problem and trigger to deal with, not mine, because I’m on my bridge.

Ah, peaceful. Yes yes:)

Today is the first day that I’ll never speak to CF again (unless he contacts me first, I mean. I don’t do the silent treatment unless there’s a safety issue involved. I at least say “hey, I’d rather not talk.”)

(((((((((((((me)))))))))))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:58am
530: Starla says:

Radiant Rising 527, ever since I was a little girl, I was an only child and basically on my own. I feel terrified of HAVING morning breath and smelly feet around another person… I feel terrified of farting in my sleep!!! and snoring and drooling. I feel terrified of living with my man and him seeing me on the sofa for 3 hours typing on some blog and watching a DVD about Scientology for fun. I feel terrified of him hearing me chanting sanskrit mantras in the shower and thinking I’m totally weird. That was one of the things that kept me so sad about CF — he accepted my weird interests and loved me for them.

Do you feel this way ever? It could be that you are deeply worried about this, and it’s ‘showing’ as being uncomfortable about having to deal with it in another person.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:02am
531: Tam says:

Good for you Starla!! Time will help too, that’s what I found.
I still go from feeling happy to feeling sad but what always helps me is to think ‘well, if a man wants me he will come for me, and if he doesn’t or is looking for someone else, then it was not MY man, no matter how much I wished for it’ – end of. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone because he finds me convenient or a gap filler, nah thanks

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:03am
532: Tam says:

527 – men have the same fears. My last bf would not kiss me or let me kiss him until he’d run into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, sometimes at 5am… it was weird but I saw it as a mark of respect for me…he was definitely not afraid of intimacy and had been married for 17 years… to a certain extent it is normal but I always thought if you know someone well enough they start accepting also the not so nice things, we can’t all pretend forever that we don’t have morning breath, or feet…or keep the make up on forever….he he.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:08am
533: Starla says:

Thanks, Tam! I definitely wasn’t a convenience or a gap-filler for him… I was a big big deal to him. But he couldn’t handle his own emotions or even acknowledge them to himself or anyone else most of the time. I feel bad that he is describing himself as incredibly open and honest on POF, and that he is a nice guy who still has a lot of confidence.

A man who cries and says he’s never believed anyone would even love him so he never even thought about it before so he just can’t answer, when you ask him what his love language is for receiving love, does not have “a lot of confidence.” A man who can’t even invite his own friends to his own birthday festivities because he doesn’t believe they’d even be interested, does not have a lot of confidence. I could go on and on but it feels pointless.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:11am
534: Starla says:

((((((((((CF)))))))))))))))

Sending love and hoping he finds his expansion. There is so much more to this life experience beyond the limited, trigger-defined box he is unwittingly keeping himself in.

Now, Universe, bring on the guys who are passionate about ever-expanding!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:14am
535: Radiant Rising says:

Hi Starla,

Lol at how you described all of that. My post was supposed to convey I feel terrified of being less than perfect around another person, it just came out where I said I feel fearful of dealing with it. But yeah, I feel fearful of dealing with all imperfections period! It’s scary to be that vulnerable with another person where we may come off looking like clowns. Lover boy said the other day that I was stunning. I guess I said if you say so and he said he does say so, and if I would see myself through his eyes I’d see it too. All I could say jokingly was I see myself all the time. I don’t get it. He just laughed and said, “Well I hope to see you all the time too.” But yeah, I feel fearful of my imperfections in a relationship. I know that they only help to serve our growth. But growth is scary sometimes.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:14am
536: Radiant Rising says:

Hi Tam,

That’s so cut about your guy. Luckily I don’t wear make up, so not worried about that yay.

I do the same thing about brushing my teeth. Ever since I was 13, I would make sure to brush and if possible, floss and mouth wash after every meal. If I didn’t have access, always had a piece of fruit, parsley or condiment (like cloves) to make sure my mouth is clean. But brushing and flossing is a major regiment for me.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:18am
537: Starla says:

I never used to care about oral hygiene, but now it’s important to me and I like to floss and keep my mouth healthy. I want to be with a man who wants to care for his body and not take it for granted, too.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:30am
538: Rebecca says:

Starla ~ this made me laugh! Although my “quirks” are different, I soooo relate to this…
Radiant Rising 527, ever since I was a little girl, I was an only child and basically on my own. I feel terrified of HAVING morning breath and smelly feet around another person… I feel terrified of farting in my sleep!!! and snoring and drooling. I feel terrified of living with my man and him seeing me on the sofa for 3 hours typing on some blog and watching a DVD about Scientology for fun. I feel terrified of him hearing me chanting sanskrit mantras in the shower and thinking I’m totally weird. That was one of the things that kept me so sad about CF — he accepted my weird interests and loved me for them.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:39am
539: Rebecca says:

It’s interesting about feeling “comfortable” enough with certain people to not worry about those things. It’s weird I only feel self conscious around certain people, and usually people that I “really” like. Trying to sink into my feelings more…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:44am
540: Starla says:

I worry sooo much about being ‘exposed’ as human with things like bad breath and body hair. It has held back every single one of my romantic relationships, except for my first serious one. He was very abusive to me, though, and often made comments about my looks and stuff, so I’m not surprised!

Men since him have told me they definitely didn’t care about the things I’m self conscious about, but I don’t let myself believe them. I just believe the abusive Ex.

I intend to heal this.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:50am
541: Tam says:

Starla – men say anything on POF that makes them look good….Mr Unavailable made himself 10 years younger, said he is athletic and goes to the gym every day (hasn’t been in 6 years or so, beer belly etc) and said he wanted children (because it would attract women in their late 20′s and 30′s). He can’t handle women his age, as his mental age is roughly 15. He doesn’t want kids, he doesn’t even want a committed relationship and thinks men without much testosterone are ‘one woman men’…yet he will give out all this bs to attract women. He let me see the real him with all his fears and problems and opened up about his past – I got too close and then he pushed me away. Go figure, because I am not ‘figuring anymore’. After him playing like that but still checking out my whereabouts on fb, I just blocked him now so he can’t stalk me and I don’t have to see his stupid comments on our friends’ pages.
Whatever. I am not good enough to be a girlfriend then I am also not willing to be an ego stroke or psychologist – I have my own issues to attend to..good riddance

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:59am
542: Silver Moonbeam says:

{{{{{ Starla }}}}}

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:03am
543: Ella says:

Starla,

I have wild, crazy, curly, frizzy hair too.

I long since gave up trying to tame it.

I love my hair and celebrate my curls, although sometimes it does go a bit too crazy!

And I still love it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:06am
544: Starla says:

I feel bad thinking that men lie on POF and am telling myself right now to be careful what I adopt as beliefs around this. But this makes me want to get off of POF as quickly as possible when connecting with men there, and into real life interaction, so I can REALLY get a feel for them.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:09am
545: Ella says:

Oh Wow,

I am feeling REALLY excited learning about diet for a healthy digestive system!!!

I am SOOO doing this myself!

I feel really excited.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:14am
546: Starla says:

must…sleep…. goodnight:)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:16am
547: Rebecca says:

I ranted at some people (friends) through feeling messages yesterday. I feel good and bad about it. I felt let down and disappointed.

I’m glad I didn’t pretend it hadn’t bothered me, but worried that I may have acted hastily and selfishly – thinking about my feelings before theirs… Hmmn…. I feel confused… I feel like I go through these emotions of “not” knowing how to “act” a lot. I guess I hate coming across as thr “bad guy”.. Maybe I’m human? Maybe I DO get upset? But then that can result in losing friends.

Maybe I need to change my expectations. Or how I handle things? Or accept that I do feel let down, disappointed, sad and angry AND it is okay to feel that and speak my mind about it?

Was there a “better” way to handle it, I keep asking myself. If there was I DO not know it.

I was my authentic self. I think I am mad / angry because I feel people have let me down. Not stepped up when needed. I STILL love them the same way BUT it has changed the dynamicd of our relationship I feel. I keep thinking of the phrase “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”.

And I just keep thinking why do I give these people a second chance? Or am I demanding too much of them in the first place…?? Aghhh it’s going through my head..

Oh well, it’s done. Maybe it’s the siren thing to move on…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:28am
548: Rebecca says:

Tam ~ I really relate to what you are saying about Mr Unavailable. Do you think he felt vulnerable because you saw him for what he really was, not what he was trying to be?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:43am
549: Ella says:

Radlove re 460

Yeah, that is my initial response too.

And then I have reminded myself about the times before where I have had something really important to share with him, or any man… and how it has worked SOOOO much better and they have been SOOOO much more open to receiving the information when I have found a way to stay in the feminine…

Just my experience.

xoxox

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:47am
550: Ella says:

((((Starla))))))

This will all be history soon and you will be on to something new.

You will be like CF who????

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:52am
551: Rebecca says:

((((Silver-Tongued SIren)))) reading your post it feels like you have so much much going on in your life. Can I ask do you concentrate on yourself?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:27am
552: Ella says:

Well I am on Twitter

RedSirenJulie

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:54am
553: Femininewoman says:

Lizka he is flirting with because YOU are flirting with him. Men feel alive with flirting. It is fun. Plus you might be filling the void in his marriage. If you are honest you have not been authentic with hin about how you feel about it. In the end if you are willing to take this further he will accept whatever else you have to offer then move. To the next. Girl. This might be a repeat of something he has done before with other new girls. Keep your focus on your career. You won’t distract him from his.

He has already given you his “lemon drop” by being honest about his situation. Please read his disclaimer.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:10am
554: Ella says:

Well I really must do this ironing work…

Have been procrastinating!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:14am
555: Femininewoman says:

UTI cranberry juice as well as yogurt is what I use.

It might have been an eLetter then will try to look for it later. Though I do believe it was question in a thread.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:16am
556: LoveAlways says:

I have a date with CDdj today and I don’t feel like going.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:36am
557: LoveAlways says:

Good Morning Sirens

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:49am
558: LoveAlways says:

I know CDdj and I will have a great time, I just don’t feel like having a great time with him today. It’s my one day to myself and I don’t feel like putting myself on display. So I’m going to honor my feelings and cancel ——–mmmmmmmmmmmmm, that feels good to me now!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:51am
559: LoveAlways says:

I was on the dating web site this morning reading a few profiles . . . what do these men really want from dating? Their profiles all read the same – blah blah blah – where is the truth of the matter? I’m seeing right through this.

Wow, I feel judgmental of these guys – I know that’s not fair and it doesn’t feel good. To each his own.

My standards have sky-rocketed! I’m open to men, but I don’t feel a connection with these guys lately. In hindsight, it’s all about that connection. I tried dating guys I didn’t feel it with and saw the writing on the wall from day one. But I’m committed to CDing so there is always a lesson to be learned and tools to practice.

That’s it – I want more interesting dates! I want to go out with guys who actually interest me. And it doesn’t have to end up in a second date either, I just want the company of a different kind of man now.

I feel curious about where the feeling came from inside of me.

I’m feeling a shift lately. I feel different towards men – but it’s an honest feeling. It’s pure feeling. Being open to my feelings is a totally different existence now. I’m a new breed. I am siren. he he

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:08am
560: LoveAlways says:

Date cancelled! I am the master of my day now!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:10am
561: LoveAlways says:

Okay, so do I feel that my perfect mate exists? Yes. I can feel him. My problem is I don’t know who he is or what he looks like. I feel like the little hatchling in that story “Are You My Mother” by PD Eastman. ARE YOU MY PERFECT MATE? No said the dog, no said the cat, no said cow! Then I seize upon a man and say YOU are my perfect mate – and then after some startling event realize You ARE NOT my perfect mate and get back to safety.

So, the way the story goes is that the hatchling gets back its nest, mother is there, and he tells her of his adventures looking for her.

Sticking to the story line, My Perfect Mate will come to me.

Life imitates art

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:19am
562: Slippin' Goddess says:

Hello Sirens,

Advice needed please..

My boyfriend has been using Cocaine quite alot..
He sometimes comes in after work having had it and doesnt speak to me..
He has money problems and debts because of it..
He’s gets stressed alot over things and the drugs seem his way out.. He has them recreationally aswell..

Well lately we’ve been having problems as his ex is being hard work.. He has his child alot.. Always does things with her, hes a great dad.. and yet his ex tries to make him feel he doesnt do enough so that she can control him.. Its really getting him down, he does alot more with her and has her weekends.. and for some reason he jumps and is stressing trying to do more and more..

Anyways, apart from the stresses of that.. this morning I checked my bank account, myt car has been in his car for a couple of weeks.. and I’ve seen hes been using my card to pay to take his kid out and to pay for drugs.. Approx. £400 in a matter of weeks..

I’m going to speak to him about all this todaym after work.. but I really dont know how to approach the situation.. Feelings messages etc..

I feel let down all the time, I feel angry, upset etc..

Any advice or even just views?
I love him to bits…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:41am
563: Radlove says:

Here is my latest with R.

Here is what I said to Ryan a few days ago, after processing your words about my somewhat negative texts to him:

June 7th 1:30 pm B: I’m sorry about how I came across the other night. I feel bad I was so negative. I’ll refocus again on being more positive. I don’t want to make you feel bad.

I didn’t expect a response, and I didn’t get one. Then yesterday June 9th at 5:45 pm, he said:

R: Hey. What’s going on?

B: Hi R! My first week of work went well! What’s going on for you?

R: Just got back from a walk.

B: Nice. I’ve been taking it easy today cuz I was tired.

R: Oh cool

B: I feel blessed in so many ways!

R: Cool

R: R u going to church tomorrow?

B: Yes. I miss it. I didn’t have gas money for a while.

B: Are you going?

R: Do you still go to F and E’s dinner?

R: I don’t know yet.

B: No, I haven’t been in a long time. My unemployment was short in April and I’ve been catching up ever since. Thank God I’m working now! I just took out a small loan too! Finally got good credit and got approved!

R: Cool

B: I have two litters of kittens…do you want one?

R: No, I can’t. It’s not my house.

B: K

B: I love to swim in the bay! It’s so beautiful!

R: Cool

B: I feel lonely.

(I know, I shouldn’t have gone there. But he had been heavily on my heart all day, and I felt thrilled that he contacted me).

R: I’m sorry to hear that.

R: It’s so sad. All your loneliness.

B: I feel embarrassed. I shouldn’t have told you that.

R: Whatever. It doesn’t matter.

B: It was my way of saying it would feel good to see you.

(really shouldn’t have gone THERE! I know, I know!)

R: Oh

B: Was it the wrong thing to say?

R: I feel uncomfortable being around you.

B: I am changing. I think I could change quicker if I felt acceptance. .I think so highly of you, and your approval matters to me.

R: Don’t change for me.

B: That’s not what I mean. I want to be my best self, and you are a mirror to me.

R: I am not a mirror to you.

B: I see myself more clearly thru you.

R: I don’t know what the f you are talking about!

B: Ouch

R: What do you mean?

B: Proverbs says iron sharpens iron. God works thru other people to help us see our blind spots and grow.

R: So then everyone is your mirror?

B: More or less, yes, but some more than others.

B: I have a tender heart. I need gentleness, not harshness.

R: I am so disillusioned with you and angry at you after all you have put me thru. I want you to leave me alone, but you never do, so I just talk angry with you.

B: My heart is true.

R: Leave me alone.

B: I was contacted by you. I feel completely and utterly misunderstood.

B: All I can tell you is the schizophrenia is doing a very good job driving a wedge between us. I feel weak like in shock.

R: Just leave me alone, then you won’t have to worry about it. You make my life worse.

B: Ouch, another lie from the schizophrenia.

B: You really have no idea how much I love you.

R: I don’t want you in my life. Please respect that.

B: You contacted me.

R: Just leave me alone.

B: I was leaving you alone until you contacted me. You just texted me, so I responded.

R: Good, then nevermind. Just go back there and forget I contacted you.

B: I don’t understand why you’re angry at me right now. We were just having a normal conversation.

B: God wants to live in your heart and flood it with His Love.

B: It’s all what you choose to focus on. God is the only perfect person, so any one you look at is going to have shortcomings, and you have shortcomings. but you could also choose to focus on my positive qualities, and the heart of gold that you chose to focus on 3 years ago would still be there. This isn’t about me, R. I saw this coming when I was put thru one test after another.

B: Remember you were just telling me about a week ago that you are getting a much more positive outlook on life. It’s all how you choose to think. Same with people. The glass is either half empty or half full. I feel like my weaknesses have been tested and tried to the nth degree. Unfortunately, the results have been a lot of negative experiences between you and me. When two people share a lot of fun experiences, they get a much different impression of each other.

An hour later, he wrote:

R: Please, I’m begging you…just walk away…please.

In that hour, I typed the letter K just sent me after I just visited him and we made up, and emailed it to R. I wanted him to see how someone else in my life views me completely differently. I didn’t say this, but the point was, “Is it me or is it you? It’s you, right??” I felt tempted to write that, but I didn’t.

I had an especially sweet letter and card from K, and I’ll share it with you, too, in my next post.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:48am
564: Radlove says:

This is K’s card and letter in the context of sending it to R. I didn’t receive R’s last text about walking away until after I hit send:

Dear R,

I am not wanting to make you feel bad. On the contrary, I want you to feel good! Good about yourself; life; me; the universe; and God.

I want to share with you the letter I just got from K, not to point the finger or compare, but to show you the dynamics of our friendship (and it IS just a friendship). I decided to do it because you know me well, and I thought it might be interesting to you…

We just made up after about 2 months of me distancing myself, and I visited him for the first time since Christmas time. He sent me a cute handmade card with a bear dancing, wearing white shorts with red hearts and a purple shirt, with a smiley face full moon above him and stars.

Inside it says, “I’m Beary Happy!

Hi B, I beary happy because you are pretty girl!

I beary happy because you get me!

I beary happy because you get honey for me.

Most of all I beary happy because you are you and my bestess buddy.

I love you beary much! K

There was the following letter inside the card:

Dear B,

Sure do love you babe and I do means I realllllly, reallllllllllly loves you. You visiting me means more than I could ever express and I feel alive again, you the best B, always have been. Babe you are so special and good to me, no one can ever remotely compare to you in my life. You’ll forever have my love, total and loyalty. You are my Princess, my dream come true, and I do possess the most selfless and unconditional love this side of Heaven for you. I love you B!

Guess what your idiot did, I threw the phone number away by accident and I stupid. It’s cool because you hopefully can get a local number and I can put the paperwork in for it (our calls are cheaper when I use his area code). Maybe you can get your old number back and I won’t have to wait for paperwork. Sweetie, I know you be busy and when you get time, get us a local number. I love you B!

Man I hope you got the car legal and you been pushing that, blows my mind you haven’t been pulled over. You got the money and we need oil change too. Personally I be super happy if it gets legal and we’ll be able to really maintain the car now. Let me know if you got it taken care of and I’ll stop worrying bout it. I love you B!

Yes, locks for the fence gates are a must and we keep the girls safe. Honey you need to contact the Cat (rescue organization) to take those kittens and babe you got too much on you. Having all the other cats hanging around is not good at all and we got to get those ones you got spayed. I know there are organizations that do it free, we have to find them. I don’t want to sweat you and we’ll get it handled before we have any real trouble. I love you B!

Yeah just chill at that new job and lay low because that will change your whole life for the better. You got a bank loan which is incredible and pay that off, next time $(more money) if you need it. Babe, I love it for you because for years I’ve preached to you to get new stuff: TV, laptop, state of the art phone, and now I think a few nice pieces of jewelry. But I real happy that you enjoy life’s little treasures and you can chill with them soon. I really am proud of you and all I honestly want is for you to enjoy life, have nice things. I love you B!

Babe, you know I sizzle when I look at you and I’m only gonna ever be into you as I am. Like I told you, I’m happy with what I got and I’ll never press for more. I really thought about all that and you know what I like or want only with you. I clearly see how you felt when I push it and I need to allow you to control that always, why, because I love you. Ok I’ll definitely leave it alone and I’ll keep that promise. You my hot baby and only you can do what you does for me. You are adorable and I love when you get girly with me as on visit, you sure do flirt real well. I love you, Sexy!

I do wish you get a boyfriend and have someone who just wants to hang out with you. Someone to share normal stuff with who’ll help when you need help and share activities that are fun. I feel sad because you got an opinion which I do respect, I do Bren, and you are just really cute and sexy and men see that. They aren’t all necessarily bad people and I”m sorry you’ve soured on them as you have. Personally, I pray you meet that one you want and that be great. Know this for certain and sure, I love you 24-7, you are loved. I love you B!

Know what I really want you to do sometime when you get on your feet, go to one of Joyce Meyer’s conferences and I know you’d enjoy that. I watch her a lot and her conferences are mostly for women. Usually they last three days and that be great for you because I know you’d love it. I love you B!

Getting Nuvigil to stay awake is a priority and you do need it, hope you can arrange it soon. Now my lover, no reason that we can’t get Medifast soon and stick with it this time. Main thing is you simply take care of your bills and keep others out of your money period. I love you B!

Wow, I thought you’d bite my head off when I brought M up because you usually say I don’t like your friends, etc. I’m glad you were open to what I had to say and peeped it yourself. Most heavy drinkers are always looking for a drinking partner and that’s not you because you are a real responsible drinker which I’ve always admired bout you. I like when you do get a good buzz because it’s good to get loose from time to time. I generally express what I see because I care about you. I love you B!

Seriously B I found you to be more beautiful than ever when I saw you and I so enjoyed our visit, your company period. I love when you bit with me and we get playful. Yeah you’s the best sweetie and I do means that. I love you B!

I’ll go for now and call you soon I hope. Thank you so much for coming up and I really feel great. I love you babe and miss you more than ever!

Forever your loving lover, Kenny

P.S. Beings naturally experience pleasure; but when pleasure is contaminated, then not releasing it creates frustration and tedious suffering follows.

The gift of truth exceeds all gifts. We truly be gifted. I beary happy!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:57am
565: Radlove says:

Slippin’ Goddess,

561 – If I were in your situation, I would NOT give any credit card to a man on drugs no matter what. And if he already had it, I would get it back IMMEDIATELY.

I would say, “I feel bad seeing so much money gone from my account. I need my card returned.”

If a mild feeling statement like that does it, great. If not, I would be increasingly firm. It sounds like you have a positive relationship. So that should do the trick. But he WILL devastate you finanically if you give him much more time.

A man on drugs in NOT in control of his spending. And in effect, you have become his enabler. He will take you down with him. You cannot allow him to. It is a guaranteed given that he WILL take you down.

I would not listen to any words about no, I didn’t spend it for that, I spent it for this. No, I repeat: HE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN.

My cousin is now clean and has been for 8 years. But at the end of his addiction, after 30 years of addiction, he blew $50,000 after selling his business and splitting the profits with his brother, his business partner. His life’s worth was gone in about 2 weeks.

In the world of addiction, one dose if a person’s substance of choice is too many, and a thousand is not enough.

My personal policy, after being taken down too many times, is that I WILL NOT live with an addict, period. Because even in a living together situation, it is going to affect me. We are sharing bills, food costs, gas, etc, and it will take me down. By living separate from an addict, I choose a life of sanity.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:07am
566: Tam says:

@Rebecca – 547, yes, that’s it. We got too close, and he loves it and craves it and then it scares him. His idea of a woman is an object – his mother was a beauty queen, who even 40 years ago had all the operations you could possibly have, and she did not care about her children. So that’s the image he has of a woman..the colder and more beautiful and more unavailable, the better for him. I am just a normal, reasonably attractive girl.
When we are together, we do everything that couples do, except I am not having anything sexual going on anymore, then he says ‘ok, we will be just friends’, but he can’t keep it up and tries to kiss me etc. So it’s a stupid situation all around because he would do anything for me, I know that. He often organises outings for a few of us, boating for example, and when I cancel because something got into the way, I usually assume they go ahead. He always cancels everything when he finds out I can’t come along, for example. He does all these things for my benefit, but I never knew that, I found out bit by bit. With him it’s all actions, no words…as soon as the word relationship comes into it he bolts, so I just let him go. And he is still looking for women, hence POF etc. He keeps wanting to downgrade me to a platonic friend, but it never works anyway as the attraction is just too strong…after almost 2 years of this, i had to pull the breaks. I love him to bits and he me, but he is not the mature and stable and loving person I see myself with in the long term. He is too much wrapped up with himself….totally unavailable.
So yes, I do think he is even more unavailable to me because we are so close…like we see into each others soul and he would rather be with someone who just saw his outside, basically. C’est la vie.
It’s ok, I am not happy but I have come to terms with it. I am very very careful not to attract this type of man into my life again though, it has not happened to me before, he is the first and I hope also the last….I couldn’t deal with that again. Pffff!!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:22am
567: Slippin' Goddess says:

Thanks Radlove..

He doesnt have my card it was just left in the car we both use. I have it now. I checked my online banking and found out how much has been spent.

I guess I want him to know how much this is affecting me and I’m hoping I can use this now to make him understand things are getting out of control.

As to how he reacts to me bringing it up I guess depends on his mood. That’s why I want to use feeling messages so he doesn’t get defensive and maybe listens.

It’s gone on too long. It’s so hard because we could be so good.. but I’ve been relying on the ‘could be’ thing for far too long now..

We do have a good relationship, the drugs are a problem.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:28am
568: luzydel says:

No dates this weekend, I made a new female friend and we were suppose to meet today to practice a new dance routine but she hurt her back so we cancelled. I am enjoying socializing, something I didn’t do in a long time. It is actually more enjoyable than Cding!

No POF emails and to be honest it is so predictable that it doesn’t excite me anymore. Men don’t amuse me anymore, and even though I feel stronger for that, I am afraid that I may be ignoring some men who want to approach me without realizing it.

I am becoming all about me and doing things that feel good, and talking more, socializing and being open to people, speaking my mind! I am making my happiness my responsibility. I usually go for a walk at lunch time and I had two men approach me, one just started a random conversation and the other one just open his car window to say I am very pretty…
So I guess men do notice me, I want to notice them also, but I do not want to loose myself by looking for them…I don’t really want to look for them… I want them to show up and me being open to receive them, looking for men is exhausting and I want to be happy and relaxed and confident…

I want to be one those women who are so happy being single, they project such a happy vibe and they have all these men around them, but they take their time, they’re not in a rush. I used to be in a rush to have a relationship that ended up choosing the wrong men for me.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:41am
569: luzydel says:

Abraham Hicks~ You can be happy under any and all conditions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRyUqFYAdig

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:52am
570: Tam says:

Luzydel, I feel similarly. POFmen bore me and I don’t want to meet anyone here as I am hoping this is only a 6 month stop and I can go back to the US again later.
Today i got a free trainride with 3 old village men as they had a spare ticket, I felt satisfied chatting to them for a little, they were intrigued and said ‘guess youare not from here?’. It was nice and cuteand enough interaction. I generally get more joy doing things for me. I find one on one dates with men exhausting sometimes, especially when they bore me….my thoughts drift and I miss a certain person more. Better to watch a nice movie or paint my nails sometimes

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:56am
571: arrowofthyme says:

Radlove: that letter from your friend Kenny is really supportive and Im happy you have that. I hope I’m saying this in a way that’s helpful but im practicing here.
My first thought when I realized that you sent that to R was that it was passive aggressive. It says exactly what you wanted to say but didn’t include : you are wrong and I am not. If someone sent me an example of how other people treat them better than I do and it included flirty undertones between the two
Of them I would feel attacked and angry. I’ve been trying to keep my responses to men firmly nested in ” I feel” statements only. So not easy. he’s asked you to back off so that’s a no. now is the time to focus on you!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:02am
572: Vi says:

((((((((((Slippin Goddess)))))))) when i unferstood i married an alcoholic a book by Robin Norwood ‘women who love too much’ helped me a lot… maybe it would be helpful for you too…
For me personally more helpful were Rory’s tools, defining my boundaries (no addicts

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:14am
573: Vi says:

Sorry, my comment was sent unfinished… and sticking to them (boundaries)… my husband doesn’t drink ever since and if he does i know I am my priority… I felt like a doormat when he did and don’t wish anything like that anymore…. I don’t wish it to you either. I wish you strengh and i wish you to have all love in the world but it has to start from you.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:21am
574: Radlove says:

Slippin’ Goddess,

566 – I see, I didn’t understand what you originally wrote about how he accessed your account. So what it amounts to is that the man you love stole from you.

The man you love stole from you.

How do you feel about that?

Right there if it were me, I would put on the brakes and say, “I love you very much, and I want a future for us. I feel horrible that my card was abused and money is missing from my account.

“I love you, but I love me, too, and I can’t live with this kind of chaos. I believe trust is the core of a relationship. I feel really bad to say this, but I am going to have to be apart from you for a while until your addiction is a thing of the past.”

I know that is far easier than done, but I found when I lived with addicts that I was kidding myself to think that it would iron out or the bad behavior would stop. I got to the point where their words of I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I will keep it under control were meaningless, as long as they were picking up that substance.

If you choose to continue to be with him, you are choosing to continue with chaos in your life.

If you would like me to tone it down, I will. I speak so strongly because I have wasted so many years of my life with men who I had no business being with, and I have gone thru so much embarrassment, shame, loss, fear, pain, and loss of money.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:55am
575: Daria says:

Thank u Tam

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:06am
576: Daria says:

Thanks Silver Tongue

I feel judgemental of myself as silly and over the top and narcissistic praising myself

And I also feel thrilled and happy and free

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:07am
577: Radlove says:

Arrowofthyme,

570 – I appreciate your feedback. Yes, what I did was questionable. I agree. Time will tell.

I guess I did it because it’s a 4 year friendship with R and I just feel at a loss to communicate with him. So I was trying a new and creative way. The way I see it is that it is a lost relationship anyway. So I consider it experimental.

I know I made lots of mistakes. But so did he. And I felt offended when he said “You have made my life miserable.” He is directing all his anger at me, and it isn’t fair.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:11am
578: Starla says:

((((((((((Starla)))))))))))))
I woke up feeling sick to my stomach about CF. Not because I’m sad… but… I dunno… I feel kind of slimed an “EWWWWWW!” after seeing his profile.

And I feel a competitive pressure to get to dating, even though I’m not ready yet and really don’t want to.

And maybe a little bit of this nausea is from having lost that fantasy of hope with him, and knowing I am going to be truly single for a while. I’ve never done this before. Well, not since I was a virgin! And even then, I was always seeing SOMEBODY.

((((((starla))))))))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:12am
579: Starla says:

I am doing pretty good with getting over my mancrack addiction, though!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:14am
580: Radlove says:

Slippin’ Goddess,

561 revisited – I still say it was theft for him to use your card without your specific permission. But I wonder why you left the card in his car to begin with?

I didn’t understand the first time thru because there was a typo with “card” spelled as “car”: I left my car in his car.

Even if I were in a relationship and a man left his credit card in my car, I would never presume to use it unless he offered it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:15am
581: Starla says:

I feel scared to let this CF stuff go. I feel scared to imagine sitting at work all this week and NOT posting here about CF stuff all the time.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:18am
582: Brandylion says:

Ugh. The sun sets early (~8 pm) and rises early (~5:30 am) here in AZ. I’d forgotten.

The first thing I thought of this morning when the sun woke me is the last day of classes last summer, when PriestCD and I woke up at 5:30 and made out until 8:30, with a little break for some cuddling-only in the middle.

And then that set my mind to thinking about how he’s cuddling her and spooning her the way he used to do for me. Argh!

Later that day, we did our laundry together. As we walked to the laundry room, I made a comment about appreciating the view (I was walking behind him, and boy did he have a nice shoulder-to-hip width ratio!). Our clothes weren’t dry yet, so he sat down on some stairs and I placed a hand on each railing and stood facing him. He said, with my breasts now at his eye level, that now he got to appreciate the view.

It hurts so much right now hearing and seeing him so happy when it’s someone else making him feel that way! I guess I can remind myself that he felt that way about me once, too.

Our accommodations are different this summer than last. Last summer we were in independently-run apartments that cater to ASU students; this summer we’re in ASU-run apartments. Last summer we had fully-furnished apartments with full-size beds; this summer we have basic dorm room furniture with extra-long twin beds. There certainly shall not be a repeat of last summer’s shenanigans, even if I experience that mutual attraction again; no man is worth the discomfort and lack of sleep from putting two bodies into a twin bed!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:19am
583: Starla says:

((((((((((((Brandylion)))))))))))))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:21am
584: Starla says:

Freakin’ CF has a TWIN BED. ugh, i feel really irritated and turned off. Grow up, dude! good luck finding a decent woman who doesn’t see that as a bit of a red flag! You live in your ex girlfriend’s basement and sleep on a twin bed. And you know something? *I* looked past all that. I never gave you cr*p for it, because I love you.

Uggghhhhhhh never again.

Hmmm it seems as if I’ve entered the grossed out/anger phase. THANK GOODNESS. I feel freer and freer.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:29am
585: Radlove says:

Brandylion,

581 – Nice memories. I feel curious…what are you studying at ASU? If no shenanigans in a twin bed, there is always a nice hotel or two around, LOL!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:32am
586: Radlove says:

Starla,

R lives with his parents, sleeps on a sofa (he has a bed and bedroom, but he prefers the sofa), and is on disability because of schizophrenia. I was willing to look past all that too.

You give me fresh thoughts of setting my sites higher!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:34am
587: Slippin' Goddess says:

@ Radlove & Vi

Thanks for your replies..

We both use the car and we tend to keep our cards in a little compartment.. I have before lent him money and allowed him to go for it so he knows my pass code..

We are quite close.. and I am shocked at how much has been spent.. we’re currently saving for us to go on a luxury holiday and apparently he’s saved quite a lot so far, so whether in his head that justifies the money being taken out of my account I do not know.. I’m sure I will find out..

but it all comes down to the drugs.. and reading your words are like hearing my own thoughts.. I know I should do that. I know what the best thing is, but I love him so much I don’t want to leave..

‘sigh’ …

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:37am
588: Starla says:

R sucks. Forget that loser.

Ladies, let’s only date men who can take care of themselves fully. If they can’t take care of themselves, they can’t take care of a relationship with us. They may want to, but it is basically impossible.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:38am
589: Tam says:

Ladies, I feel we look past way too many things in the name of love. Why? Do you think the men we discuss here waste a little thought on us, going about their daily lives? Sometimes I wonder…doubt it. Let sleeping, immature, addicted and unwell dogs lie I say. Only the very best from now on

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:39am
590: Slippin' Goddess says:

I’m so fed up..
I just got a job and a great start to my career..
I should be so happy..
I just want to be happy, with him..
..but will things ever change? It’s like a rollercoaster..

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:40am
591: Daria says:

Ong I feel flooded with men! My phone is backed up for week with texts w men who some I don’t kno who they are…

I don’t save numbers so that may contribute

Plus the missed calls !!

Ackh!

I haven been setting ahead of time plans…

I feel scared the men won’t keep em and I feel down bein stood up

I want to make good backup plans…

I want to trust myself to make enjoyable backup plans

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:44am
592: Daria says:

When I check my social site there’s gona be hundreds of happy birthday contacts

I find men from that site poof more… I’m afraid it’s cuz I update my statuses

On pof, they poof a lil less I feel their insecurity in competition less…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:47am
593: ReceivingGirl says:

@534 Radiant Rising

I think we all have those fears. I was commenting about how expensive make-up is to Mr. Observant & he said, “It’s a good thing you don’t need any.” I said thank you, but inside I was thinking, I don’t know what you are talking about.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:47am
594: Daria says:

Ie I feel less insecure

I wonder if some of my pof men woulda proofed if they were from the other site where they see how many men wrote on mu status and mu pictures…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:48am
595: Tam says:

@ Starla, great minds think alike.
Hm, I read about addicts, sick guys, uncommunicative guys and unavailable guys. The ladies here seem reflective, communicative, wanting to fix things etc.
Before I found this website, I always thought ‘it must be me’, poor Mr unavailable and his horible past and the fact he can’t keep his house tidy (in a basic way) or he has business problems, or he has problems with his family, poor him, awwwwww…. Now I don’t think this so much. I think: poor me for thinking about him and putting up with the friends nonsense and the non committing – while I could have been meeting a nice guy
And I have a feeling message for all those guys that don’t have the maturity or the will to entertain a committed relationship and don’t know how to treat a woman: I feel like kicking them all the way to the moon.
That’s my feeling message of the day!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:49am
596: Brandylion says:

Daria, I’m late by a few days, but happy birthday!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:51am
597: ReceivingGirl says:

@543 Starla

Some men are liars. It doesn’t matter where you meet them. Mr. Observant was honest on his POF. He kept it brief, but what he shared was the truth, so there are honest guys out there.

I think you will know when things are off. Our intuition is good.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:54am
598: Starla says:

Aw, I feel a little disappointed… my girl friend cancelled our plans today. But I also feel relieved, because she has an extremely personality and I’m not sure I can handle it today.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:58am
599: Starla says:

*extremely cynical personality

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:01am
600: Radlove says:

Slippin’ Goddess,

586 – Ok, then that isn’t theft. That is justified if he has your code and you have let him use it before and it was in the car, not in your wallet.

But the high amount means that you cannot give him that level of trust anymore.

I understand about not wanting to leave. When I was with Christopher in AZ, he went to 5 rehabs in 6 months. He was trying. Would your man be into going to a rehab?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:05am
601: Daria says:

Thanks Brandylion

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:06am
602: Daria says:

I slept 15 hours after staying up napping w man in bed the other nite

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:07am
603: Brandylion says:

I am definitely realizing that an enormous part of my pain here is from the love that *I* felt rather than the love that *we* felt. There wasn’t a shared feeling.

At least I know that CDing is a way to avoid this…if I can ever actually find men who will date me. :-/

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:15am
604: Rori Raye says:

pin – I don’t know all the details here, and if there ever was a mutual romantic relationship – or if the woman who stayed in town is in love with the woman who moved away, and that love is not returned. Friendship, yes, but not love. However the situation, from your letter it seems that the woman who moved away is not longer interested in any kind of relationship – even intense friendship, and wants to make this more casual – or even end the relationship entirely, but is still being “nice.” My advice would be to forget about the woman who moved away and start dating, using online dating, going to clubs where she could meet other women and fall in love with someone who is close to home, available, and wants to be in a relationship with her. Love, Rori

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:17am
605: Starla says:

eek:( I feel lonely and have nothing/no one to cling to anymore.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:31am
606: Starla says:

it’s just me now, and I feel terrified that I am not enough and I’ll never meet a guy who finds me to be enough while also being enough himself

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:34am
607: ReceivingGirl says:

My girlfriend apologized again for the other weekend. Maybe she will realize it in the future, however, I feel doubtful.

I still feel blah and like doing nothing. I had intentions of working from home this weekend, so I should do that. I also need to get to the store for a few things. I should shower, go to the store and then work. I need to get some motivation.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:37am
608: Jessie1000 says:

slippin goddess

Coke is such a serious drug. It shows some serious issues deep down. Blame it on the ex….lol I have tons of baby daddy problems…i would never ever be self destructive enough to take coke.

That is a coping choice and a half….

That shows me huge red flags.

People have died because they dated someone who chooses hard drugs.

Ask yourself. What is your cut off point?

What if it was heroine? WHat if he is suicidal? Many times it is severe depression that makes someone choose that.

I would say get clarity. Go to a counsellor. Get a mental health professional who knows u and ur situation to guide u.

Dont deal with this on your own.

You are attached to someone who may not be able to ever meet your needs and you deserve healthiness and love and more.

I feel scared for u.

I hope you see that you deserve to unwrap yourself from this confusion

Unwrap it with a professional ….its usually too big to see the forest through the trees.

SOrry sorry im so scared for u right now.

If you were my daughter I would drive over and pick you up and make you come home with me and never let you see him again.

I hope you can see why.

Kisses

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:40am
609: Starla says:

ugh, and all those times CF talked about taking me to concerts and never followed through. He even once said that he had to “sell the tickets” because of money issues. No, you never bought the tickets. But did I question him? Noooo of course not, because why would I do that when I love you and want to take you for your word???

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
f*cking retard

ok ladies, don’t jump on me now for my language. I am venting.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:41am
610: Starla says:

What’s very frustrating is feeling very depressed (a big part of that is PMS, I think) and not being able to cry. I wish I could sob and sob for a while. I might feel better.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:46am
611: Starla says:

And I’m noticing that I feel like I need to change myself to have a good relationship. Which is partially true. But I’ve got this vision of a Starla who never cries, who never does anything unpleasant to ruffle a man’s feathers… and this isn’t something I can possibly pull off.

And I feel lost lost lost right now

((((((((((((((starla)))))))))))))))))))))

maybe I’ll focus on sending myself forgiveness for a while. That would feel nice.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:48am
612: Rebecca says:

Radlove ~ I am curious to know, if your relationship / friendship with R was to become more positive, what would that look like?

My only reason for saying this is because I had a simillar relationship years ago where we would have this sort of back and forth communication. Then standing away from this I realised their was nothing else he offered me apart from physical attraction. I think that can blind us to anything!! I know I certainly over looked the fact that we had “no relationship” for a long time because I fancied him so much. It felt cruel that God would give me feelings for such an inappropriate man and I was very angry about this. I was very angry at God, the universe, life, people. How could I love someone who made me so unhappy. Why me? I would say to myself.

I still don’t know “why me?”. I still don’t get it. Maybe outsiders see more clearer than I do..

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:51am
613: Daria says:

so my girl was w me this weekend and she said how Guywho and his baby mom are living at his parents house but they are not together

they were acting weird with each other and their son acts weird

theyre not together an she wonders if he still just has her stay here so his mom will be happy

he adores his mom

i feel sad!

i was like, maybe i left guywho too early?

but i dont want to contact him myself…

i dono

i wonder if i contact him will he come running to me crying

it jus felt so sad to hear that

i feel guilty and worried about my old best friend guy who

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:00am
614: Daria says:

Rebecca – sure! i knwo why!

because we have patterns that we associate with ‘love’

and to heal we first become aware of those patterns

so those relationships are to show us the patterns so we can become aware and healed

once we heal them, we’re like omg i feel so much amazingly better than i could see possible before

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:02am
615: Daria says:

i could contact him and tell him im still interested and he could pick it up from there…

but i think id feel not good w that and drama involving addictions and also his situation with his son

this feels icky and sad

love to all this

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:04am
616: Lizka says:

I went to the pastry, bought two croissants and a coffee and now having breakfast on my balcony. I love my balcony, it is very green with plants and flowers everywhere and I can hear the kids play in the backstreet.

Its 1 pm and ATW still havent call me when he PROMISED we would hangout. I dont really care. Im feeling super angry right now, but I dont care to not see him because I have my good old plan B: hanging out with myself.

He might be still sleeping. Its a possible thing. I was still sleeping an hour ago and I didnt party that late. I know hes on vacation and on a party mode. But whatever. I deserved to have plans made in advance and to know what time we re meeting. So after breakfast, Im gonna do my make up and go to the market and buy fresh vegetable, then do my grocery and cook a good dinner and prepare for the week. I decided not to go downtown to the pool because of the Grand Prix and because its gonna be packed with tourists at this time of the day. I ll go next week instead.

Arrgg Im feeling mad at ATW for not keeping his words and for not being able to make plans in advance.

I know that he might not make plans in advance with me because I have not been always the most sireny and he probably knows I am always there for last minute plans, but the sad thing is I know that even if I tell him this time “too late, I made other plans”, hes just gonna be “ok have a good day”and will not bother too much because I think he didnt really want to see me on the first place. I just put too much pressured on him so he feel forced to say we’re going to hang out. That feels sad, but it’s the truth.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:14am
617: Starla says:

I’m gonna stay in bed all depressed and lazy until noon (45 minutes), drinking hemp milk and eating almonds, and then i am going to get up and set my timer for 15 minutes and do some stuff around the house. then i’ll reevaluate and see how i feel.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:17am
618: Starla says:

(((((((((((((Lizka)))))))))))))))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:20am
619: ReceivingGirl says:

Radlove

Your conversation with R started out better, but then digressed. I feel curious if you were to pause and think prior to replying, if you would feel different responses.

Have you tried reliving the conversation from R’s shoes. How would you feel if your words were his words directed at you? How would you feel if your words were not taken seriously and brushed off because you had an illness others used as an automatic excuse not to believe you?

I have witnessed this many times. My father had a stroke at 42. To look at him, you would not know it. He doesn’t have any normal signs of a stroke that people would recognize. His symptoms are all internal. He can’t travel very far in a car because the movement gets to his head. The bright sun also bothers him. His memory isn’t what it was. He needs medication.

Many people felt he was using it as an excuse not to go anywhere. I also felt this way at the beginning too. I thought he had some sort of fear. He was very bitter in regards to people for a long time. He was also very hurt when people didn’t believe him. Very hurt that no one comes to visit him.

I’m similar with my autoimmune. People can’t see my symptoms. People don’t understand how I feel when I am not feeling well. I look perfectly fine.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:20am
620: Brandylion says:

Starla, I remembered a place he and I *hadn’t* gone and went there, only to find it not open. (There are actually several restaurants in that plaza we didn’t go to. Yay!) I ended up eating at a place we only ever went to with others, so it wasn’t so bad.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:21am
621: Lizka says:

Thank you Starla

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:22am
622: Radlove says:

RG,

I feel confused. What are your saying I’m not believing? He happens to be My favorite person on earth. I don’t understand where you get what you said?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:26am
623: ReceivingGirl says:

Mr. Observant text that the medicine is working well and asked about my garden. I replied about my garden and then said, “I’m glad the medicine is working well. I’d like to understand how bipolar affects you when you feel up to taking about it with me.”

I probably should have said, “I would feel good to….”

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:27am
624: Radlove says:

He doesn’t mean it when he says get out of my life because in four years, he always comes back.

But as far as schizophrenia, I take it more seriously than you know. I have read huge amounts on it, personally paid for professional help for him, personally emailed two people who were healed of schizophrenia.

Further, I have personally been in deep pain because of the effects of schizophrenia.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:33am
625: ReceivingGirl says:

Radlove,

B: All I can tell you is the schizophrenia is doing a very good job driving a wedge between us. I feel weak like in shock.

R: Just leave me alone, then you won’t have to worry about it. You make my life worse.

B: Ouch, another lie from the schizophrenia.

This is what I’m referring to. R is telling you to leave him alone and you are believing it’s not really his words, but the schizophrenia talking. When R tells you to leave him alone, try saying OK, and sit on your hands and don’t contact him. Let him contact you. I know you believe he doesn’t really want you to be out of his life. And, he goes back and forth between talking to you and telling you to go away. Let him initiate. What do you think?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:35am
626: Lizka says:

The manager texted me again this morning. (Let’s call him ManagerCD for the future ok? even if he’s not really a CD)

I don’t think he’s flirting with me because I am flirting with him. He was flirting with me first and is definitely flirting more than me. I am super lean back and reply to his messages just with “lol” and short jokes in FM. And there is nothing sexual involved. We’re just fooling around.

So I don’t mind and I don’t think I’m going to stop. I took your advise FW and I feel thankful, but I really don’t feel like “just another girl”. I’m feeling alive too and distracted with this flirt. I don’t care if it’s just a flirt and he’s gonna go to the next girl when he’s done feeling alive with me. It’s just practice and I KNOW he is married and will not push it further.

And maybe there’s something for me to learn in this experience.

And I had another dream about him last night. It’s weird no? I don’t really dream of men usually…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:37am
627: Brandylion says:

Why do I feel such satisfaction that he still hasn’t updated his Facebook relationship status? He told me Thursday that they both thought, given that they’ve been friends for five years, that there wasn’t any point in them seeing other people once they decided they want to date each other; like what else do they need to learn about each other before beginning a romantic relationship? So they’ve been seeing each other exclusively for a little more than two weeks and introducing each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, yet his FB still says he’s single. I even commented to him on Thursday that I wasn’t sure if they were casually dating or in a relationship because his status was still single, and that’s when he told me the stuff above.

We had been dating for six weeks, I guess, when he requested the change on FB, but we also weren’t even friends on FB until we’d been dating for over four weeks.

Why does it matter? It shouldn’t. He doesn’t want me and never will again.

I think I need to use one of my marathon training tools. Follow every negative thought with “…but it doesn’t matter.” For training, it was things like, “My calves hurt, but it doesn’t matter”, “I feel tired, but it doesn’t matter.” Now it needs to be, “He is happier with her, but it doesn’t matter”, “You are alone, but it doesn’t matter.”

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:38am
628: ReceivingGirl says:

Radlove,

I believe you take his schizophrenia seriously. Does R view his schizophrenia as good or bad?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:39am
629: Sassy says:

Starla, is it possible you were meant to see his profile so that you could feel everything you’ve been feeling and expressing since you saw it so that you can make a clean and clear break and move on?
I felt that is what happened when JT texted what I felt was one incredibly cruel sentence. It virtually killed my attraction and feelings for him.
Make this work for you, find your power and claim it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:45am
630: Starla says:

Brandylion, girl, he is happier with her right now because we are all happy as f*ck when we first get with somebody.

Turn all this attention back towards yourself, and marvel at how in 6 months they’ll either be 1. having problems and breaking up or 2. getting married and you just won’t care because you turned all the attention to yourself.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:46am
631: Starla says:

Sassy, yeah. I think I’m gonna be in a spiteful and angry mood about it for a little while… and this feels empowering, and I kind of need it so I can move up and away from all this CF nonsense.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:49am
632: Daria says:

my feelings went ‘dead’ for an ex once only when i was beating up his new gf and he punched me in the face

somehow it just cut off.

i dont know what happened but i was no longer interested in him and feel so judgemental thinking of him now

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:54am
633: Brandylion says:

Starla, #534, your comment about CF’s box:

My best friend had another great insight yesterday. Some of the physical aspects in my relationship with PriestCD were things that could have opened him to the fact that not everything he’s been taught about sex and its role in relationships is true, but instead of opening up he has run even further into a prison he doesn’t even know he’s in. And this is so difficult for me to watch because I am actively trying to free myself from my own prison and I want to bring him with me, but instead I’m watching him turn his back and walk cheerfully back into something comfortable.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:57am
634: siren song says:

oh, starla, hugs!

i found a guy i was in a relationship with on a dating site once after we had a fight. i felt gross, then kind of free. but i was shaking at first too. he straight-up lied about a lot of things. it made me respect him less, besides the betrayal, the lying about his lifestyle.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:57am
635: Starla says:

i feel so lucky and blessed to have you ladies here for support.

CF isn’t actively lying to anyone but himself. Our relationship pulled out all our most powerful triggers, because everything was so good and peaceful that whatever problems arose were the result of our own pure, unadulterated triggers. I feel shocked that I’ve owned these triggers and want to grow past them, but he’s still in denial about them.

I really do wish him the best, though!!

And I feel very amused by the spiteful and vengeful ideas I have for him right now… of course, not going to do any of these things! But feeling amused, indeed.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:10am
636: Starla says:

First it seemed like CF outgrew me, but now I can see that I’ve actually outgrown CF.

love to me:)
forgiveness to me:)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:14am
637: Brandylion says:

Starla, #584, entering the grossed out/angry stage:

My best friend also said that what’s causing me pain is that in the piechart that is PriestCD, the wedge that represents the parts of him that were not compatible with me is growing larger and is even more evident how that things are over.

Ooh, I made the mistake of looking at his FB page earlier and a friend from his RPG group wrote, “You can tell her this is what gaming’s about” and posted a link. Of course I took that to mean that he’d mentioned the last time they gamed that his new girlfriend didn’t understand RPGs. *I* understood RPGs. *I* got him and accepted and LOVED, dammit, his quirkiness and nerdiness. I just couldn’t get with his Catholicism, and that’s the only getting that really matters, apparently, and that’s why he quit rowing my boat and climbed into hers instead.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:27am
638: Daria says:

rargh ppl arguing in house i feel sad

i feel like running away

i feel tightened up

(((((Daria)))))

i dont want this

i want to feel good and eat my birthday food

that would feel like smily airy open feeling….

that woudl feel like yummy deliciousness and aahhhh

i feel sad

i dont want to feel sad

i love my sadness

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:32am
639: Starla says:

((((((((((((Brandylion))))))))))))))

I would delete CF from my fb friends, but it would just be a petty “message” to send to him since his whole profile is public and that wouldn’t stop me from being able to see him.

I’m going what the ex-back gurus call “No contact” for a month. No contacting him, no returning his contact with anything but a message that says I’m not ready to talk to him, and NO LOOKING AT HIS OR HIS FAMILY’S ONLINE PROFILES.

I put that in caps to extra-remind myself, hehe.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:37am
640: Daria says:

im feeling sad

i love my sadness

i feel resentful

i love my resentfulness

i feel queasy

i love my queasiness

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:51am
641: Daria says:

sittin here cryin

yay crying

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:54am
642: Daria says:

and ansering pof messages

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:56am
643: siren song says:

starla, NC is totally the way to go.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:00pm
644: Tam says:

Agree with the no-contact. It helps to move on. Doing the same!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:09pm
645: ReceivingGirl says:

(((Daria)))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:12pm
646: ReceivingGirl says:

I feel so sad for Mr. Observant. It must be really hard to deal with this.

I also feel so impatient for the meds to do their magic and get him back to feeling like himself again.

I feel guilty and selfish because I want the meds to kick in so I can hear his voice and see him again. I miss it very much.

(((Mr. Observant))) (((ReceivingGirl)))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:14pm
647: Sassy says:

I’m with the NC deal also, but I may just take one moment out next Sunday to wish him a happy fathers day. I will only do it with no expectations tho.
But hey, let’s start the official countdown NOWWW!!!

Day 1

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:23pm
648: Sassy says:

Who else is on board?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:25pm
649: Starla says:

I got off the bed and picked up my house for a little while. I am feeling so heavy and sad. I would really like to cry!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:26pm
650: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess this might come across as dramatic but a person with addictions can’t have boundaries. I would assume this is the first of many such, maybe even worse. I would ask what is the most loving thing I can do for myself rather than saying I love him. Your priority has to be you otherwise he can’t prioritize you.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:27pm
651: arrowofthyme says:

sassy i’m on board. now.
and ladies here, look at this instead of our ex’s profiles:

http://thenicestplaceontheinter.net/

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:28pm
652: Starla says:

omgosh, that would feel so cool to have a Team NC.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:29pm
653: Tam says:

I am on board, day 6. I have only been ‘responding’ anyway, but if I do get contacted again not sure what to do. If I say nothing he’ll thing something happened, if I say ‘don’t want to talk now’ it seems strange too, as he won’t understand that after 2 years on-off. But do I care? Guess a little but not too much anymore…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:35pm
654: arrowofthyme says:

i need a new name. arrow is too masculine. maybe something round, like tomato. i’ll feel it out.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:36pm
655: Femininewoman says:

Lizka whether you accept it or not, he has more than flirting on his mind.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:36pm
656: Starla says:

Tam, you have every right to space. Just let him know the next time he contacts you, “I’m needing a little space and feel weird telling you that, but I hope that’s okay.”

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:51pm
657: Starla says:

does anyone know of any youtube videos that will make me cry my eyes out? hehe. Preferably not about romantic love.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:52pm
658: Tam says:

Thanks Starla, but he will think I’ve gone nuts, as he only does contact once every 5-10 days while I am out here anyway, plenty of space. When I’m in his town once every other day….hehe…he’ll just say ‘ok, cool’ and wonder what I am talking about. Ha!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 12:56pm
659: Starla says:

I get what you’re saying, Tam, but who cares if he thinks you’re nuts? It’ll just be his defense mechanism until he realizes a couple weeks later that you’re not contacting him at all. 30 days in, and he’ll be singing a different tune.

When CF first sent me that email telling me he didn’t want to date me anymore, I just thought he was being nuts, too.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:03pm
660: Tam says:

Hehe, nah, don’t think it will faze him one bit, he’ll shrug his shoulders and sit tight for three months and pounce whennI am back in Florida. Plenty of patience. Maybe he finds another Missy to play with, but yeah, who cares. I am fed up, so NC it is!!! Team NC, go!!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:11pm
661: Slippin' Goddess says:

650 Femininewoman

What is the best thing to do? ..distance myself?
Why do I feel the need to be close to him.. even though my needs dont get met and I just end up unhappy..

I tried speaking to him tonght but he just doesnt seem to want t conversate.. He says he knows hes in the wrng..

but dont get me wrong.. hes not reaaally bad on the drugs.. Its more like a recreational thing and just a coping device when stressed.. Hes got a job, works hard and long hours..

..and sometimes its so good.. but lately.. like I said.. I’m just not getting my needs met..
..but it doesnt feel good to just focus on me and not him.. why, I dont know..

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:24pm
662: Starla says:

I decided I am giving myself 8 years before I worry about not being married or having kids (still not sure if I want some of my own). I’ll be 35 then. Right now I feel a lot of pressure to settle down, and I don’t want to feel so afraid anymore!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:25pm
663: Slippin' Goddess says:

I guess I’m ‘slippin’ so much right now it feels embarrassing..

why cant I be strong and tough and walk away.. let him come grovelling.. why is that the hardest thing to do whe I know its right..

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:26pm
664: Brandylion says:

Radlove #585: I’m in the Master of Natural Science in Physics program for high school physics and physical science teachers. I feel excited for my classes this summer, and I will feel so free when this degree is done!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:28pm
665: ReceivingGirl says:

Lizka, I agree with FW. I don’t think his flirting is innocent fun.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:33pm
666: Starla says:

((((((((((((Slippin Goddess))))))))))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:34pm
667: Radlove says:

RG,

628 – “I believe you take his schizophrenia seriously. Does R view his schizophrenia as good or bad?”

Bad. Very bad.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:35pm
668: Sassy says:

Slipping Goddess,
Don’t feel embarrassed… We have all been there, or we wouldn’t be here.
The absolute hardest thing to ever do when you have feelings for someone, is to walk away. I’ve tried to walk away sooooo many times over these past three years, it’s pathetic.
I’ve begged, cried, groveled, felt “less than” and everything else. I realize it’s my co-dependency, my fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment and rejection and lack of self-esteem that kept me there. And I am trying to break away still and it is hard to do but ever so slowly, I can feel myself getting stronger and bigger and better.
We can do this, we are more powerful than we know.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:36pm
669: Radlove says:

Brandylion,

664 – That’s wonderful! Science is so interesting!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:37pm
670: siren song says:

i’m totally on team NC. i told guy who loves me to stop contacting me on friday after i ended our friendship (it feels too bad to be his friend right now), which resulted in two days of abusive texts. NC day 2!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:42pm
671: Sassy says:

Team NC,
To keep this count going right since we are all in different time zones/ countries, can we each write time and zone we are in right now?
It is 4:45 pm EST, GA, USA

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:44pm
672: Radlove says:

Rebecca,

612 – “Radlove ~ I am curious to know, if your relationship / friendship with R was to become more positive, what would that look like?”

In my case, I feel physically attracted to R, but that is minor compared with how much I feel attracted to him emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually.

If my friendship with R were to become more positive, it would look like trips to the shore with long walks on the sand, talking about nature, God, romance, and loving each other. We would spend a lot of time kissing, hugging, cuddling, and making love. We would cook together, plan together, sleep together, go places together, watch TV together, and spend a lot of time talking.

I think a lot of my frustration comes from him forever evading me. It would feel so good if he just hung out with me.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:44pm
673: siren song says:

sassy, i love your attention to detail! i’m in the central time zone. 3:46 here on sunday.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:47pm
674: Slippin' Goddess says:

#668 Sassy

Thank you.. It’s hard isn’t it..
My guy can be so amazing, I think thats why in the bad times it’s s hard to walk away.. The good times are so good..

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:48pm
675: Slippin' Goddess says:

21:49 London GMT, ENGLAND

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:50pm
676: ReceivingGirl says:

@667 Radlove

Then, it may be better if you don’t bring it up. I have the feeling it makes him feel bad. Think back to when you mentioned it and his reactions? Were they good, bad, indifferent?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:50pm
677: Starla says:

I’m in Mountain Time, 2:53 pm.

I went to the calendar in my kitchen and circled July 10.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:54pm
678: Tam says:

German time (but hopefully sooner rather than later on Florida time..I can but dream)
It’s 11pm here…10th June.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:59pm
679: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess I don’t think it is hard. It is all about what you are committed to doing. When sure then start making baby steps towards it. You might go back and forth for a while but the more you love yourself the more difficult it is the accept bad treatment.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 1:59pm
680: Femininewoman says:

It is normal to feel that way Slippin Goddess and you have started the first steps by noticing this. If you don’t live with him it is simply about committing to no initiating at first. I am not surprised at his admission or not wanting to talk. Talking won’t achieve anything. You are going to have to take action. You are best placed to know what action you can take.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:08pm
681: siren song says:

slippin’ goddess, one of my exes was a coke addict too. it was really hard on me. once i left and grieved the relationship, i felt much better.

a drug addict doesn’t have boundaries…FW is right.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:11pm
682: ReceivingGirl says:

Mr. Observant just text me, I WANT TO LIVE.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:19pm
683: Lizka says:

FW 655 -

Maybe you are right, but this could be a good practice to hold my boundaries, no?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:22pm
684: ReceivingGirl says:

I don’t really know what to say. I replied, I know. You will live. I have faith in you. You will fight this and come out on top.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:27pm
685: Lizka says:

So it’s 5.30 and Mr ATW hasn’t call me. I feel mad and forgotten but you won’t believe it,I just noticed 15 minutes ago that he hasn’t called me…

I had such a nice day! I went to the outdoor market and took my time looking at the flowers and all the beautiful colours in the fruits and vegetables stands. I bought all my fresh veggies for the week and I saved money and treated myself with a cheese at one of the most famous cheese store in town. I LOVE cheese.

And you won’t believe how many male attention I got today! They were all looking at me in my super sexy one piece and opening the doors for me and smiling and saying hi. Wow I felt like a princess.

And ManagerCD kept texting me all day too… which made my day even more exciting.

NowI’m home and I noticed ATW hasn’t call me and I feel like calling him and screaming at him for not keeping his word but I won’t.I’ll keep calm and cook a fun meal for tonight and a dessert as well. Sounds like fun!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:37pm
686: ReceivingGirl says:

He seems so scared. I also said, “It takes a little while for medicine to work. I’m waiting for mine to work too. I look forward to us both feeling better soon! Then, we can hang out at the pool together again, okay?”

He replied, “Thank you! Sounds like a plan. I am looking forward to it.”

I feel he is back and forth. Sometimes he seems off and sometimes he seems like himself.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:40pm
687: Starla says:

ReceivingGirl, sorry to fuss over you, but I just wanted to make sure that you have at least 2 other CDs in the picture right now?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:43pm
688: Lizka says:

I’m feeling afraid that sirens here will judge me for flirting with a married man and not believe me when I say “it’s just for fun”…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:51pm
689: Linda says:

The week end draws to a close and another work week us upon me and I am glad. I swam with my grandson today he is 2 1/2. It is so wonderful to know that I am truely loved by one male!

I do not know how to turn my feelings over. I was not happy in my last relationship, and I let it go too long. I dont want him back. I dont want to talk to him at all. I am happy he is gone out of my life. He did not give me what I needed and did not even care what I wanted. I just finished mowing the grass and was not mad that he was sitting on his butt sleeping thru a recorded NASCAR race. I used to fume and be so furious that I was out working in the yard and he did not offer to help. It feels so good that I have that over and done with.

Why then do I feel sad, and find myself weepy? Why does my mind drift to remembering the few things I liked about being with him and feeling sad and feel rejected. I have asked out loud, “what is wrong w it me”? I should be exzuberate to be free. Just about everything he did made me positively sure that he did not REALLY care about or for me. Why am I sad. and swimming in this ugly soup.

It seems that all I can focus on is that this failed, and I did not want it too. I dont know what to do to get my mind and heart free and on my bridge again.

Linda

Linda

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:53pm
690: ReceivingGirl says:

Starla,

He’s the only one I’ve had a date with. I was CDing and also on vacation, but I’ve been pretty much at work and home since I got back. Mostly sleeping.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:53pm
691: Femininewoman says:

Lizka what boundary? I feel confident if you asked Rori she’d say RUN. This is like playing with fire to me. No boundaries can contain fire when you play with it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:55pm
692: ReceivingGirl says:

Lizka, I am not judging you. I feel concerned it will start out just for fun, but turn into something else. Just be careful.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:56pm
693: ReceivingGirl says:

I told him I would also show him my pictures from vacation. He replied, “I can’t think of anything else I would like to do than look at your pictures!” I replied, “I feel all smiley! ”

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:59pm
694: Starla says:

RG, obviously it goes without saying here that you need to keep CDing:)

Lizka, I would never ever judge you, lovelylady. You have your ups and downs, but I totally trust you to handle your adult life in the “big picture.”

Anyway, I was flirting with the 21 year old sandwich guy who is super religious and way too negative and young for me, even after I said I wasn’t gonna go out with him cuz of his age, but I got bored with it pretty quick, and I imagine you’ll get bored with the married guy pretty soon here too!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 2:59pm
695: ReceivingGirl says:

I’ve noticed my feeling messages are starting to feel more natural. Yay!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:01pm
696: ReceivingGirl says:

Starla, I do know.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:03pm
697: ReceivingGirl says:

He replied, “As do I!! ”

I feel better. He is talking more now, so that is a good sign. He sounds a little more like himself. I posted on a bipolar forum and one guy said he was just diagnosed in April and it took about 10 days for his meds to really start working. But, of course, everyone is different.

I’ve been working this afternoon to try and get a little bit ahead and lessen my stress there.

I’ve also gotten back to my morning smoothies and salads. I’m eating more protein and I bought some chewable vitamins and folic acid. I am supposed to be taking folic acid, but since I was having a hard time swallowing the vitamins, I was lacking lately.

I’m also going to get my butt exercising again. I want to try yoga. My sister-in-law said I should go to a couple classes to learn the proper movements and then just do it at home. It’s too hard to know if you’re doing it wrong on the videos.

I’ve got plans, I just need to make sure I stick to them. That is the hardest part for me. Self-sabotage, procrastination…etc.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:10pm
698: Radlove says:

In some soul searching, here is what I journaled as I thought about R:

I want to live in your arms and make love with you. But I’m not supposed to say that. So in the absence of that how else can I keep an appropriate distance from you but to be feisty?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:14pm
699: Starla says:

RG, re: self sabotage — a lot of us find motivation in posting here about our self-care to stay on track and inspire each other! Speaking of self-care, i really need to get off my butt and get in the shower, shave my legs, moisturize my skin, etc.

Sometimes I feel so stuck and it’s hard for me to do even these basic things.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:15pm
700: Lizka says:

Thank you FW and Receiving girl for worrying about me. Inside me I think I know I should run but at the same time, I really feel that this is harmless.

Like Starla said, I’m probably gonna get bored before it becomes dangerous. Last fall, before I started bloging here I was flirting with a man who was engaged to the mother of his two kids. It lasted a few weeks, and nothing happened, no kissing, no nothing. And even though he was very nice with me, I could feel this boundary of “I’m never gonna go there as he is married and married men don’t leave their wives” and I indeed just got bored of it after two months or so and this harmless flirt really helped me to refocus on me after my break up with ATW last summer. It just showed me that men can like me and do a lot of things for me.

There was nothing bad to this flirt. Since then, the guy got married and I am absolutely not feeling regretful for anything that happened. It was just a gate of my learning. Really.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:16pm
701: Femininewoman says:

Lizka I’ve been there and done that. I know from experience that it does not work in the female’s favor. We are the ones with the strong feelings. The guy will turn around and tell you when you are way in that he told you he was married. It is also a symptom of fear of intimacy, getting involved with a married man.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:16pm
702: Lizka says:

Thank you Starla and Receiving Girl for not judging me. That feels really nice.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:18pm
703: Radlove says:

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart.” ~ Native American Proverb

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:19pm
704: Radlove says:

RG,

676 – Thank you, you are right. I try not to. But sometimes it is so destructive to our relationship that it’s hard to not bring it up.

I feel bad when he points the finger at me. I may have issues, but I am not the only one with issues.

Trying to just sink into love.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:22pm
705: ReceivingGirl says:

@699 Starla, I so know the feeling. I showered at about 1 and got my butt to the store, only because my 20% off coupon expired today Good thing I showered, cause I ran into someone I knew.

I guess there was a robbery in my neighborhood last night and some of the stuff was found across the street at my neighbors house. He’s a creepy man who is drunk all the time and likes to stare at me. I don’t feel comfortable around him at all.

Well, every summer he has riff raff come and stay at his house and they literally camp in his yard. They smoke tons of pot, drink all day and scream & yell at each other. Everyone is always mad about something. I’m surprised no one has been murdered over there yet with how much anger gets spewed around. The whole neighborhood can hear it. Every summer the cops are at his house at least twice a week.

It felt good though. It’s a beautiful day out. I just went and turned on my sprinkler to water my irises. I will then water the one remaining plant in my garden. (((Poor garden))) I think it may be zucchini

I’m planning a salad with chicken for dinner. I would like to read outside a little bit, but I really should work some more or I will be regretting that in the morning.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:27pm
706: Lizka says:

That’s the thing, I am not “getting involved with a married man”. It’s just text messages.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:28pm
707: ReceivingGirl says:

@704 Radlove

From the few conversations I’ve read that you’ve posted, I feel you are both pointing the finger at each other and it feels like a competition. I feel if you stop pointing the finger, he will too. I think there is something to the mirror thing you talk about. What do you think?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:31pm
708: ReceivingGirl says:

@Lizka

I feel curious, is there a pattern of married man’s attention helping you get over heartbreak?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:32pm
709: ReceivingGirl says:

@706 Lizka, please don’t take this the wrong way, but are they really just text messages? If his wife saw them, would she feel they are just text messages? I think that is a good indicator of how innocent it is. It may be very innocent to you, but maybe not to him.

For example, there is a man at my work who is a total flirt. He flirts with every cute thing that walks past him. But, he would never act on it. His wife is fully aware of this and it doesn’t bother her. She knows he is not going anywhere & that he loves her to pieces.

It’s tricky and it all depends on the situation and the people involved.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:39pm
710: Lizka says:

I don’t know RG… maybe. But it never happened before this other guy from last fall…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:40pm
711: Radlove says:

RG,

707 – Yes, that is what i am seeing, and why i wrote i am sinking into love. it may be inappropriate, but i decided to text what i journaled above…

In some soul searching, here is what I journaled as I thought about R:

I want to live in your arms and make love with you. But I’m not supposed to say that. So in the absence of that how else can I keep an appropriate distance from you but to be feisty?

totally unguarded.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:46pm
712: Lizka says:

RG

” but are they really just text messages? If his wife saw them, would she feel they are just text messages? I think that is a good indicator of how innocent it is.”

I think you are right… But aren’t we responsible only for ourselves? I’ve often seen sirens writing here that they didn’t want to “practice” on men because they were afraid to hurt them or to make them fall in love or whatever, and the other sirens responses were “you’re not responsible for what he does and for his feelings. Just for yours.” … Wondering if it applies here too…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:48pm
713: Starla says:

i really don’t believe it is our job to protect others’ marriages, although we could argue about the morality of it but that is a separate issue. I think Lizka will find herself bored really soon. Like in a couple days. Just call me Miss Cleo:)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 3:52pm
714: Dominique says:

Linda – Of course you feel sad and bad. You know that this is for the best, but your heart feels the loss of hopes and dreams. This feels awful.

Even when my marriage ended, something I had been wanting desperately for many, many years, the day I moved out, I sobbed and sobbed, something I rarely do. It was sadness over an ending of a big piece of my life, fear of the unknown, and what I said above.

It’s okay to feel this way. I would feel ore concerned if you didn’t feel like this.

xxoo

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:01pm
715: Lizka says:

Thank you for understanding Starla

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:03pm
716: Slippin' Goddess says:

Thanks ladies
A lot of you have mentioned some guys ‘having no boundaries’. What exactly is meant by this?

@ Femininewoman
I guess you’re right in saying talking wont solve anything and I know you say I should know what action to take but have you any advice?
Do I stay home for a while, allow him to come to me etc?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:03pm
717: arrowofthyme says:

there was an old photo that my ex and i shared. an antique image of a man and a woman, and the woman’s arm was missing. most people wouldn’t notice it right away that she wasn’t whole. but he did and we reached for the photo at the same time in a giant pile of old black and white photos.

it was the only thing left that i was using as leverage to contact him. i’ve kept it for a month. just now i just set aside some space on the floor and burned it. I could feel it. And then I saged my house. And then I blocked him on the dating site. It’s over. He’s still going to be in my thoughts and I’m still learning from this, but I’m tired of re-opening wounds. I need my energy to do braver things for myself. I can’t waste it anymore.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:03pm
718: Lizka says:

But you know the good thing about all this debate? It’s I was so focused on it that I still haven’t talk about calling ATW and yelling and asking why why why haven’t you call me and keep your word, why don’t you love me whyyy.

I’m mad at him but I’ll go to bed and not think of it more than that. I think today made me realised that this beginning of a new relationship was all in my head and I should definitely move on.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:06pm
719: Femininewoman says:

Lizka it might also help to see clearly if you imagine you are his wife.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:11pm
720: ReceivingGirl says:

Lizka & Starla,

It is not our job to protect other people’s marriages and we are not responsible for what he does or his feelings.

What I’m referring to is this something innocent turning into more than intended for Lizka. How will Lizka feel if he comes on stronger? It could turn out to be not so innocent and it’s also work related. What if he comes on stronger and Lizka rejects his advances…will that cause problems with Lizka’s job in any way? I feel those kinds of things need to be considered to protect Lizka. There’s the saying, “It’s always fun until someone gets hurt.” I don’t want that to be Lizka.

Lizka, sorry for referring to you in the third person. I just don’t want to see any badness for you.

XOXO

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:13pm
721: Lizka says:

I know FW, and I AM feeling guilty about it… but me is more important than anyone.

Me feeling good right now. Feeling more good than guilty. Anyway we haven’t sleep together, we have just chat. And who knows if she’s doing the same on her side! Who knows!!!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:14pm
722: ReceivingGirl says:

@711 Radlove

I hope you and R can find a better place!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:17pm
723: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess you haven’t said much about the situation, if you live with him, if you set a boundary around yourself about what you will do if he does not respect your request.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:18pm
724: Lizka says:

Hmmm RG I haven’t think about that… And you might be right…

But you know, he is not MY manager and he’s actually no one’s manager so I am wondering if he really has power to fire people…

But yes, you might be right…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:27pm
725: Lizka says:

Lol I just went to brush my teeth and I saw ATW’s tooth brush in my tooth brush holder. Wondering why he left it here if he doesn’t respect me enough to even call me a day we’re suppose to have a date…

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:30pm
726: s says:

hi i have a question..

how do you handle/respond in a situation where a guy asks you to hang out, but asks you to come to his place

what do you say so he comes to you instead?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:33pm
727: lilybelly says:

Lizka,

I had a toothbrush in my holder that belonged to a long term on/off again guy. When I finally had enough, I took his toothbrush out of the holder and scrubbed the toilet with it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:36pm
728: Starla says:

LOL@the toilet thing.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:40pm
729: Lizka says:

Hmmm I could scrubbed the toilet with ATW’s toothbrush. And maybe also my dog’s bowl. And what else is really dirty in the appartment?

Lilybelly, please tell me you gave back the toothbrush to this guy after!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:41pm
730: lilybelly says:

Nope, I haven’t seen him since. Scrubbing the toilet with it and tossing it in the garbage when I was done, was the very last thing I needed to do to shut the door on that.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:46pm
731: Starla says:

I feel so incredibly depressed still. My period hasn’t come and I have a feeling I’m on a 5 week cycle now, so I have another week of this BS.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:47pm
732: Radlove says:

Thanks, RG

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:51pm
733: Brandylion says:

I feel afraid to do the visualization from this post from Rori. I feel afraid of how intense it could feel.

I feel curious to try it and see if feeling connected to a man I haven’t met in person yet helps with the PriestCD situation.

Would doing this help me recognize him when he shows up? Or is it more just to help convince myself, deep down, that he really is out there and looking for me?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:53pm
734: Lizka says:

I’m burning to text ATW a sarcastic message. Something like “hey it was so fun to see you today” or “you know calling to cancel is still more polite than just never calling”.

Of course I won’t do it, it would be childish. But arrggg I so want to do it!!!

But no, cause there would be an argue after that and I don’t want to hear his excuses and I don’t want to beg him to see me another day.

I think his actions have speak: he is not interested. Big dot.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:54pm
735: Starla says:

lizka, if you really feel that way, just turn down his next invitation.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:56pm
736: Brandylion says:

Sirens! Should I put my online profiles back up with my new location as Tempe, and edit them to say I’m only here for the summer? It could feel fun to have some casual dates in the next eight weeks. Maybe Tempe guys will be more into me than Cleveland guys.

Part of me worries that any kind of dating will take time away from my research project and that I will feel bad and guilty for not working on it because I’m out with a man. Hm.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:57pm
737: siren song says:

Slippin’ goddess,

Paul Dobransky (Dr Paul) talks about boundaries being the ability to say ‘no’ to destructive things while allowing constructive things to enter our lives. He says that addicts lack the ability to effectively put boundaries in place, even to say ‘no’ to themselves when necessary (which leads to addiction). He can’t treat himslef well and in the end he will likely be challenged to treat you well because his boundaries and inner resources are compromised.

I lived with a coke addict (off and on) for 3 years. He said they were the best years of his life. They were the worst years of my life. This was pre-rori and I eventually smoked him out by doing my own version of CDing.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:58pm
738: Lizka says:

Starla, right now I feel enough power to do that.

But I’m sure the next invitation won’t come before 3 weeks or if not 4 months. In the mean time, I’m afraid I’m gonna feel unwanted and call him back.That’s my pattern… *sigh*.

I want to feel strong enough to break this pattern NOW.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 4:59pm
739: ReceivingGirl says:

I made my salad for dinner. Spinach, cucumber, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, tomatoes, chicken and french vinegarette dressing. It’s so yummy!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:01pm
740: Lizka says:

Brandylion, I would change my location, but not say “I’m here for the summer”. It sounds weird I think. Like you’re throwing out there that you just want casual dating. I would be afraid to attract men that just want to sleep with me or something. Anyway, no one have ask you if you’re there for the summer or for ever. When the conversation is launched, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of occasion to mentioned that you are in the city only for a few months.

Just my humble opinion, maybe not the best one.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:03pm
741: ReceivingGirl says:

Brandylion, I agree with Lizka.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:05pm
742: Lizka says:

Yummy RG your salad sounds amazing! I am so not original when it comes to salads. I wish I had a talent to mix ingredients to make tasty and fun salads. I just buy the ready to eat mix instead. lol

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:06pm
743: Lizka says:

Ok sirens I’m off to bed before I have a crisis and call ATW to insult him like he’ve never been insulted before.

I’m so happy I had a great day anyway. Yay me!!

Cheers sirens, lot of love! xo

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:08pm
744: Linda says:

Thank you for sharing Dominique!!. I know that non-stop sobbing well.

It is a death of hopes and a dream. Even though they were not coming true, while he was still with me they were still valid in my heart. Now they are dead. I am grieving. I feel afraid to ever hope and dream again too.

sigh… Linda

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:09pm
745: ReceivingGirl says:

Lizka,

I learned how to make my salads from BoatGuy. He told me with all the fruit in the salad, you really don’t need dressing. He is right, but sometimes, I still like the dressing.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:10pm
746: Starla says:

I feel so frustrated that i can’t get tears to fall. weird, dry sobbing and sadness, but no tears.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:18pm
747: Radlove says:

Lizka,

742 – How about waiting until he contacts you and then saying, “That felt really bad” or “I felt sad and a lil angry when…”?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:30pm
748: Radlove says:

Starla,

745 – At times when I get like that, I try to find ways to really honor my lil girl inside by getting in touch with her. I picture myself as a 5 year old or 10 year old and close my eyes, totally returning to that memory, whatever I choose to remember, either happy or sad. I may go to a lake side or wherever the event took place, or a place like that, and reconnect with my lil girl feelings.

Then in that state, I let my lil girl feel around my current feelings.

I wonder if you are fighting allowing your lil girl to be present and real? Are you allowing her to come out?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:33pm
749: Brandylion says:

((((((((((Linda))))))))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:40pm
750: Brandylion says:

I like to get the pre-packaged fruit cups in juice (like pineapple tidbits in pineapple juice) and put those, juice and all, right on some baby spinach with cheese (feta, gorgonzola, goat) and nuts or seeds and maybe some other fruit or veggies like cucumbers. With the juice, you definitely don’t need dressing!

Ooooh, I will have to get some of this stuff next time I go grocery shopping. I was limited in what I could get for the next few days because I have no dishes until the physics department storage room is opened for us summer students. Yummy!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:44pm
751: s says:

when a guy asks you to hang out, but asks you to come to his place how do you respond in a way so that he comes to you instead?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:51pm
752: Starla says:

‘it’d feel so nice to see you, but i don’t want to go all the way over there. It would feel better if you came to me:)’

something like that

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 5:59pm
753: s says:

thankyou much

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:01pm
754: Starla says:

I got myself dressed and am going to head out to buy myself some takeout for dinner. I have food in the house but I haven’t left all day and it will be good for me to head out into the world for a little bit and get some daylight.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:02pm
755: Rori Raye says:

s -depends…if you’re young, you may want to go to his place sometimes – otherwise, the general, easy script is: “I don’t feel comfortable driving to guys…I feel so much more loose and relaxed in my place, and it would feel great to have you there…” Love, Rori

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:17pm
756: Vi says:

Slippin Goddgess,
It feels heartbreaking to write but this is more chemistry than love/ relationship…
And I so relate to your situation cuz I’ve been there and I feel my heart shrinking when I read/see/hear something involving addiction… and I am still healing it…
I remember how impossible it felt for me to walk away – and I didn’t and you don’t have to. Please accept it and don’t beat yourself up for that! You are not wrong. You are not bad. You are already strong because you care what is going on in your love life and that you are reaching for help! Don’t think of what you CAN’T DO. Think about something you CAN! Babystepping is what helps here. Face your fears and guilt to take care of yourself; have a coffee with a new collegue of yours; check out Rory’s book and Toxic Men and Teleclass (if it’s still available); find Robin Norwood’s book… Make sure your career is not suffering from his “recreational thing” (that you get enough sleep, nutrition, and your money is safe) – it won’t hurt him but you will have a HUGE field to work on. It is very important to have someone who would just listen to you so if you want to vent you may drop a letter to me, let me know and I will give you my e-mail. Wish you much love, and hugs to you!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:17pm
757: Radiant Rising says:

Beautiful day after heading to the ocean. Have not been in so long! Took a couple pictures and they look great! Looks like I might have to take a photography class or two.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:29pm
758: Rebecca says:

Radlove ~ I get it! I have been there, and I still am!! I personally find it sooo frustrating when I feel a massive connection to someone, but feel like I am pressing ALL thr wrong buttons. Well, that’s how I feel.

I know ‘R’ has schizophrenia so I guess it is different.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:32pm
759: Radiant Rising says:

Such a different place from where I was last year. Stuck broke in an apartment, pining for a man who just wasn’t worth it, just finding out he was having a baby via Facebook, feeling shaken and confused not hearing from him, but determined not to lean forward and adamant I will hear from him first, then I do hear from him a month later just to be asked if I wanted to go “skinny dipping” and actually felt happy!? Then three weeks later here are supposed to meet and he never shows up! The day before I left for Cali I find out from others he had a son, and still never told me. Yikes, why did I waste so much time? Never again. My here and now is so much better. Thank you, the One above.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:37pm
760: Pamelala says:

Does anyone have any tips on when to tell a guy that you’re dating about your childhood sexual abuse? I know it needs to be brought into the open because it does impact my responses/triggers on occassion. I don’t want to wait too long, but I don’t want to shock him either but oversharing before he has a solid concept of who I am as a person.

Thanks!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:52pm
761: Starla says:

i feel so lonely and depressed. I’m just going to keep spamming, if that’s okay.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 6:57pm
762: ReceivingGirl says:

Pamelala

I don’t have any experience with sexual abuse. I married a man who ended up being gay and I always feel concern about telling this. I feel the guy will be grossed out by it thinking I had sex with a gay man and it would turn him off. I never had sex with my ex-husband, but most people don’t assume that.

I tend to bring it up very early and figure it’s best to know now if he has an issue with it. Most of the time, the guys are not phased by it.

I think if you are dating a good man, it won’t turn him off. Bring it up when you feel comfortable sharing it. We all have pasts and some are worse than others, but they shouldn’t dictate our futures. Good luck!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:03pm
763: Starla says:

No one wants me:( No one values my feelings:(

pity party

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:05pm
764: ReceivingGirl says:

I’m ready for bed. Washed my face, moisturized, brushed my teeth, flossed, put on lotion, took my medicine, Vitamin D and Cod Liver Oil. Need to just lotion up my feet when I get in bed.

Good night ladies!!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:10pm
765: Pamelala says:

RG – Thanks, that’s what I was thinking. After a conversation we had today, I’m thinking that he has an inkling that I have a “back story,” but he’d be making something up in his own head if he tried to figure out what it is and I don’t want him to do that.

He’s really protective of me…so totally masculine energy…and I think he’ll want to find someone to hold accountable. This is sweet to me, but there’s no one left to confront.

My concern is that he will see me as broken and in need of being treated with “kid gloves,” but I’m feel hopeful that he’ll understand and be OK with it.

Yes, it’s better that he knows now…maybe on our date on Wednesday.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:13pm
766: Starla says:

That’s not true. My best friend values my feelings. I value my feelings. My therapist values my feelings, and charges me a ridiculously low rate so that I can have the support I need.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:13pm
767: Starla says:

RG, it feels good to read about you taking care of yourself:)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:14pm
768: Starla says:

I keep forgetting that I stopped using m*rijuana (it’s easy to forget because it’s not physically addicting the way cigarettes or coffee are). And that is probably what I would be doing right now to lift my spirits, but I totally forgot about that! So I am going to be gentler on myself for being so depressed right now. I will get through this all on my own:)

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:30pm
769: LoveAlways says:

Hang in the (((((((Starla))))))) – the sun always rises my love

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:32pm
770: LoveAlways says:

*there

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:33pm
771: Starla says:

weird, i just found myself wishing i had cancer so i could die already

hooooooooooooooly depression, batman.

i’m gonna be okay, though. maybe i will feel better in the morning. i’m gonna get up at the buttcrack of dawn and change into my gym clothes, pack my work clothes, head to the gym, go to work, stay off the internet (triggering), and come home.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:38pm
772: Pamelala says:

(((((((Starla))))))))

Depression sucks! Take care of yourself…I’ve only been here for a couple of days, but I know the women here truly care for you. You are a precious woman.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:41pm
773: Starla says:

Thank you so much, ladies. you all have been an amazing support system for me.

I’ll admit to feeling depressed that I have more digital support than real-life support, but I don’t want that to discount how valuable it is.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:48pm
774: Heart says:

I have a question.
If your not looking to get married but just wants a meaningful long relationship is a little leaning forward ok?
I think it’s better for the guy to do the work and for me just to chill…but yesterday a friend told me I had too many rules when it came to dating (Main rule: he must ask me for my number and out on a date). I meet guys that want to ‘hang out’. Is hanging out ok? Guys – not just Man-boy (btw I’ll write about that in another post) semi-sorta ask me out and I decline because it’s against the rule. Am I being too rigid and demanding or am I right to stick to rule?

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 7:50pm
775: Radlove says:

Lucy!!

happy happy birthday!! I love you!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:15pm
776: Radlove says:

Radiant Rising,

757 – that’s fantastic! Glad you got to go! I’m going on Saturday just for the day with my friends! I can’t wait! We are going to a restaurant where you can float indoors, but in the ocean in tubes, and then order from in the water!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:36pm
777: Heart says:

Btw – A few days ago Manboy posted on Fb that he was out of town on a trip visting friends.

I felt angry and jealous but I sank into my feelings and felt reallly good after. Then I spent the weekend going out and having fun. I met men…but it was different than the past couple of weeks because I was no longer holding the space. It feels good and scary to not be holding the space for this guy. I had a great weekend but Now I’m regressing a little anthinking about him. Leaving an imaginary relationship is a process.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:37pm
778: Radlove says:

Rebecca,

758 – “I personally find it sooo frustrating when I feel a massive connection to someone, but feel like I am pressing ALL thr wrong buttons. Well, that’s how I feel.”

That’s exactly how I feel, too! Thanks!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:38pm
779: Radlove says:

Rebecca,

758 – “I personally find it sooo frustrating when I feel a massive connection to someone, but feel like I am pressing ALL thr wrong buttons. Well, that’s how I feel.”

That’s exactly how I feel, too! Thanks!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:38pm
780: Radlove says:

Pamelala,

760 – I have been told by Rori and the Sirens that there is no need to talk about the past unless I want to.

If it were me, I would talk about it when it comes up, and maybe just share a little bit at a time, as I feel safe and comfortable with a man.

So sorry to hear you went thru that.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:42pm
781: Radlove says:

Starla,

761 – You are not spamming…you are expressing your thoughts and feelings in a most healthy way. Go right ahead! Glad you are taking care of yourself.

I feel weird and a lil bad when my posts to you are unanswered.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:44pm
782: Radlove says:

RG,

762 – Sad to hear that about your ex being gay and never making love with you. I wonder why he married a woman? How lonely that must have been for you! I feel curious…how long ago was that? Are you over it?

I realize more and more how many of us have gone thru or are going thru such devastating things.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:47pm
783: Radlove says:

Starla,

763 – “No one wants me:( No one values my feelings:(”

Riff it out girl…

I will have the love of my life! A special man will value my feelings. And until then, the Sirens value my feelings.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 8:50pm
784: blue rose says:

Jessie a long time ago you wrote how if a guy told you he was not good enough for you that you would agree…

a couple of nights ago i was with this guy – we are on again off again. we are supposed to be friends now. but he said that to me, that i deserve better and he’s not good enough for me. and i told him he’s right, i do. and that a lot of guys would kill for the chance to be with me. he agreed. i have been dying to get on here and tell you that.

and i said it because i finally do believe it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:05pm
785: Heart says:

# 162 Ella- Jeeeeeez Louise….talk about a total over-share. I think that post is a great example of Feeling-messages-gone wrong.
Wow.
Him pulled away and withdrew.
You just kept going on an on about your feelings…you seem to have an I-need-you-to-know these things Agenda (at least that is what the post screams to me). At no point did you ask this man- what do you think?
What do you think? – this part always makes me feel vulnerable because I can feel my heart opening up more when I ask it.

You don’t seem to be Present at all in the conversation. He made two really really funny jokes and u just continued onward with all-the-things-you-needed-him-to-know. That does not come across as receiving and responding. Even when he said – i love u….you continued onwards.
Even when he said – I’m sleepy and need to go…You didnt respect his no …and continued onwards.

If my tone, seems to abrasive…please let me know…I’ll modify it

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:23pm
786: Heart says:

Rebecca – a few days ago you told me you were feeling sad….I thought about your situation because I can identify with it strongly.

Some advice I gave to myself recently- 1) Try your best to really practice being in the moment when u r with your co-worker and other guys. Catch yourself when you start playing the gaging his interest game. It really feels like a does-he-like me type test and keeps me in my head. Instead of responding to the guy, I see I’m responding to only myselg- my insecurites, my NV etc. It’s challenging but feels much better to be a Siren than a research scientist when you’re with a guy.
To begin with- whenever you find yourself – He doesn’t like me enough…This is a warning sign your your being a scientist and not a siren.

I think you should reduce his importance in your life. Don’t let him go or hold on…These things are mentally impossible to Just choose or will yourself to do. Just do things to downplay the room he occupies in your head. Talk to other men.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 9:52pm
787: Radlove says:

I didn’t plan well…I was procrastinating most of the day about de-fleaing the house. I finally set off the bug bombs at 9:45, and they have to set for 4 hours, during which time I put the dogs and cats in the backyard, and then took the dogs with me to go out in the car for a few hours. I let it go for 3.5 hrs, and now I am giving it 30 min to air out with doors and windows open and a fan on.

Not good, considering I have to get up at 5 am for my job! That will mean 3 hours! I will have to plan better. But I had huge resistance because of the cost to deflea and because I was intending to bathe the dogs before putting the drops on them. I just didn’t have it in me, so finally I just put the animals all out, covered food stuff, and did it.

At least now it’s done, and hopefully no more fleas. They are really bad this year after such a mild winter.

I camped out at a diner for part of that time, and I dozed off. It felt comforting. I feel so thankful to have this home, and know that all my babies are safe and cared for. I love them so much!

They are my little family.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:31pm
788: Radlove says:

I am having a date with Yorky this week. It will be Tue or Wed most likely. Imagine that, a second date a year later! I feel a little strange because he seems evasive, or hard to relate to somehow. But it feels good that I will finally have a date.

Vintage probably senses my lack of interest. I went with it, since Rori says go for the practice, etc. But he is ten years older, and just not attracted to him at all, in any way. It’s like thinking about kissing grandpa, because he looks 20 years older. Sorry, that’s how I feel.

He tried to make an appointment to call me Saturday night. I said just call whenever, I got a lot going on and if I can take it I will. I guess that gives the message that he is not that important, huh? Oh well, it’s how I felt. I wasn’t that gung ho because I wasn’t. I feel rude, and I’m not used to pushing a man away.

I feel tempted to set him up with the new woman at work. She is more his age, and both of them like playing golf. I don’t. I’d rather watch paint dry on the wall. LOL.

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:37pm
789: Radlove says:

There, I just sent Vintage a kind message to that effect, telling him I’d be glad to continue getting together if it’s just platonic, and offering to set him up with my new coworker. I feel good about it. I don’t like to just leave a man hanging. I know how bad that feels.

CO never got back to me. He was wanting to get together Memorial Day weekend and my friend, Cris, was over the whole weekend with her kids. So I guess that’s grounds for a divorce for this CD, LOL. He sure scares easily!

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 10:46pm
790: Tereana says:

Radiant Rising – your post in #528 really resonated with me. I often feel that I don’t really know “what it takes” to be in a relationship. even though, on some level, I have the sense that I actually do know, instinctively, what that is. Just that I’m not really having access to it right now, for some reason.

And yeah, intimacy scares the sh** out of me. It’s not the morning breath and the feet and the scruff or whatever. It’s more that someone would have access to all of my dirty, unpleasant parts. They could see all my bills, find the notes that I write to myself, read my angsty journals, or even catch a glimpse of one of my very private “vision boards.”

I am a private person and I need and want to have my private space. I always need a little “retreat” that is only for me. I need things that are for my eyes only, for my experience only. With that, I can be in relationship. I think what scares me the most about intimacy is that I might lose my sense of “alone time” – my sense of self – because that is what I need the MOST to take care of myself….

((((Me))))

Sunday, 10 June 2012 @ 11:57pm
791: Tereana says:

Hm……….

what an interesting day….

This morning, I was about ***this*** close to sending a message to Vman. Actually, I’ve had a message to him typed out for a while. I haven’t sent it.

I was feeling super frustrated. A lot of anxiety. Just generally. I think it’s the overall “I’m single and I’m not quite loving it exactly, because I’d rather not be, but I’m afraid of choosing a relationship, too” kind of anxiety.

Don’t ask me why I was thinking of Vman, I don’t know. Maybe it was the orchids.

Anyway, I thought about telling him all this stuff that’s been bouncing around in my brain. Seems like sometimes, when we get these things off our chests, we just feel better – lighter, clearer. We can move on. Maybe it’s like that.

But then I had a kind of a breakthrough. I realized that there were things I wanted to say to him that I would just feel AWFUL if I received from someone else. Suddenly, I was really standing in his shoes, and realized how ANGRY and how HARSH all of my words were going to come across – and how really, really bad I would feel if I received a letter like the one I was composing in my head. Wow!

So, obviously, I held off (not that I had time to write and send it anyway. I was super busy today!!!) My test is going to be, if I ever write anything, to imagine what it would be like to receive from him the words I was writing. And just see how that feels….

It’s a good test. maybe I’ll try it soon. Although it’s late and I need to sleep…

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:08am
792: Radiant Rising says:

Hi Tereana,

Having access to all of *my* dirty and unpleasant part. Yes, that is it. That *is* exactly what I am afraid of and the morning breath stuff is symbolic of all that. Just like you, I need things that are for my eyes only and just like you I need space and retreat as well. That is exactly what scares me about intimacy and I need that balance between closeness and distance. I have never been the type to want to do *everything* together. Distance actually fuels me a bit. *Sigh* This world is just too adult, and I am still in a paper doll world. But it is still beautiful in its fear.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:08am
793: Slippin' Goddess says:

Why is he so harsh, is it becauase he gets away with it..
I ask him about the money yesterday, no getting at him, no arguing ad all he does is shrug it off ad fall asleep..

Then this morning he’s text whilst at work saying

“Let me know whats going n when you get up because im not going on like this anymore, like you said we’re both not happy.”

I just replied “Yeah, I know what you mean”

and he replied “Whats hap[ening then?”
Then straight away.. “I’ll drop you off when I finish work” (I’m at his house)

Why is it like im in the wrong and its like hes ‘sending’ me home..

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:18am
794: Radiant Rising says:

#776 – Radlove,

Thanks! The water was gorgeous and so sparkly. It was if the all the star dust from the sky fell onto the water to make it as shiny as possible. Just lovely.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:19am
795: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ thanks Heart, yes, practising being in the moment is the hardest thing for me. I’m always a “the grass is greener over there” kinda gal. I am definately trying to keep myself in check with that but I DO feel like it’s a constant battle as I tend to drift my thoughts at any moment in time onto my “current” love interest, whoever he may be.

It’s almost like no matter what I do he is still there in the background of my mind.

I have been CDing quite a bit but I am still finding it hard to make those “connections” and I am worried that the CDs will get bored and walk away if I DON’T offer them anything. I tend to be a heart rules head kind of girl – and my heart only seems to work when I don’t want it too..

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:20am
796: Tereana says:

There were a couple of other reasons I didn’t end up writing anything to Vman.

1) I noticed that perhaps the feeling of wanting to write to him was just that my subconscious was trying to get my attention about something. Writing the letter seemed like the way to address it. But maybe it wasn’t about expressing something to *him* – maybe it was about noticing and attending to what was going on with *me.*

2) My other breakthrough today was about trying. I just feel so tired about everything. I hate all this trying. Nothing good ever comes to me when I am trying too hard to get it. When I stop trying, and when I am just there and present, lots of good stuff falls right into my lap – stuff that is exactly what I want and need, and sometimes even better. It’s happening ALL the time, actually – whether I choose to notice it or not.

So I just want to stop trying with ALL of these guys. I want to stop trying to “get” any type of relationship. That feels tiring, and I feel exhausted. And I don’t feel dignified when I “chase” or when I “try” or when I try to “convince” a guy of something – even if I just seem to be convincing, versus actually convincing. It’s pretty much the same thing.

If a letter to Vman would be anything like convincing, then I don’t want to send it. I don’t want to convince him of anything.

And then it seemed to me that the best thing I can do, for him and me, is to just let him go….I might still have a lot of unfinished things that I want to say. But I can let those go, too…I can let it all float away. Because why?

I saw a good quote today. And I’ll paraphrase. But it was something like “every time I thought I was being rejected by something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”

So then I chose to see all of my different relationships that way. Sometimes it’s a good thing, and we still don’t get to be in that relationship, or whatever it is. And the rejection doesn’t feel good. But it DOES put us on a path to something better…and that feels really good.

Really kind of sneaky good. Like ice cream in the middle of the night. Or eating cookies when no one is looking…. : )

The Universe is full of good things.

This morning, I felt frustrated, because it doesn’t seem as if I am getting “what I want.”

But tonight, I have decided to trust the process. Because whatever process this is that I am going through, and however painful and aggravating, and irritating it may be, it is all getting me somewhere. This is taking me where I need to go. This is my invisible elevator…all I need to do is believe that it exists, and I can command it with my mind. It will take me exactly where I need to be…

Thank you, elevator. Thank you, Universe, for all your lessons, and your brilliance and your wisdom, and – oh, yeah, thank you for *me!*

Thank you, Sirens, xoxo.

Good night!

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:22am
797: Rebecca says:

Radlove ~ I really relate to this…

“If my friendship with R were to become more positive, it would look like trips to the shore with long walks on the sand, talking about nature, God, romance, and loving each other. We would spend a lot of time kissing, hugging, cuddling, and making love. We would cook together, plan together, sleep together, go places together, watch TV together, and spend a lot of time talking.”

I have soo many dreams about the man I currently like. I picture conversations we would have, etc, etc.. I feel so scared that the reality will never happen for me.

I feel like what is my life worth if I NEVER have love?

Why can’t I have love when everyone else around me has love?

This makes me feel so sad and depressed. I feel angry to.. Like what’s wrong with me??

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:52am
798: Sunshine says:

VI thanks again, and I hope to continue hearing from you and your baby steps to express good feelings:) I havent any opportunity to express neg feelings since yesterday, but am still leaning back:)

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 12:52am
799: Rebecca says:

I am NEVER confident about talking about the good stuff that happenstp me? I feel nervous and scared to. I have always felt like this when talking about the opposite sex. I still feel like a giggly schoolgirl – and making all the same mistakes as a giggly schoolgirl…

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 1:02am
800: Daria says:

wow Slippin Rose what got to me first was – you are wanting to BE with this man!

you’ve got a lotta healing to go babe

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 1:19am
801: Daria says:

well i feel concerned… is what i mean

i feel not good reading about this, and you saying you have a great relationship and him saying we are both not happy

that feels weird and uncomfortable and hearing you concerned that you’re sent home feels like really weird to me

and this situation now feels creepy and like something is not healthy, i feel suspicious and not good about it at all

if i could have it my way id have you just totally lean back and start CDing immediately

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 1:22am
802: Daria says:

so my Birthday CD didnt get me back home and i had to go back by myself and i feel disappointed

and also tunred off and mad

and also ok and open

and also kina relieved that i dont ‘have to’ like him and i can now just drop him

i was feelin worreid

hmm

feels surprising to notice that!

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 1:38am
803: Lizka says:

Good morning!

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I woke up by 3 o’clock and couldn’t fall asleep back. I was re thinking about what FW said about flirting with married men is a sign of fear of intimacy. I didn’t know I was afraid of intimacy but I realised it could actually be the case…

Hmmm I don’t know what to do. Run or wait until I get bored like Starla said… I know I’m going to get bored… And in the mean time, this attention feels good…

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 2:45am
804: Slippin' Goddess says:

Well yesterday I tried to speak to him about the money that has been spent..
I didnt get angry etc but he wouldnt really talk.. Hes sleeping alot (sign of depression?)
Then this morning I get a load of text messages..
Why can he only communicate through text?

Basically a couple of months ago he said he wanted to go on a luxury holiday. Hes had money problems since we met and is paying off debts. Ive just finished uni and gt my first job starting in a couple of months.
So it isnt an ideal time and I said why dont we leave it till next year. He was adamant he could afford it and has been saving.
Now I find hes spent all this money of mine and is using the excuse he is working his arse off to pay for this holiday and I can have the money but next step is payfor your own part of the holiday and pay for car insurance.. :/ I was the one saying we cant afford the holiday. ..and the money has been spent on drugs for god sake. I have to make my low amount of money last till I start my job so I havnt been spending.. an yet hes been spending it for me and then turns it bck on me that pay for the holiday then and then he wont have to work every weekend. :/ arghh but he brings these things on himself and then I pay for them. Its happened before.Im realistic, hes not.

and then when he said ‘I apologise’ with a smirk on his face for spending the money he says im in the wrong as hes trying to ‘have a laugh’ and I just want to carry it n and argue.. I didnt once try and argue.

He’s getting fed up of being made a ‘c*nt’ all the time so whats the point because Im never happy.

So basically, he can do what he wants. He can plan things even when we dont have the money. He can spend on drugs then use my money to pay. and if I have a problem at all then Im in the wrong.

Its just like new year we were staying in as he had money problems paying for drug debts. then all of a sudden he ooks a VIP booth costing hundreds and if I had a problem I was being unggrateful. Then new year comes and he didnt have the money and I had to pay for it.. :/ I see a pattern.

Im in tears writing this.. Im sorry for venting.. I know I should be stronger.. I’m going to get the train home.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 3:13am
805: Slippin' Goddess says:

I’m saying we have a great relationship at times.. We’d have to else I wouldnt put up with all this shit.. It’s the good times that make it hard to leave..

Him saying ‘we’re both not happy’ is just repeating what Ive been saying for days.. and not generally that he isnt happy in the relationship, Im saying hes not happy with things in his life full stop..

..but no suprise if he has no boundaries

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 3:23am
806: Slippin' Goddess says:

^^ @Daria #801

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 3:25am
807: Lizka says:

((((((((( Slippin’ Goddess )))))))

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 3:36am
808: Heart says:

Radlove – I feel Shocked and angry after reading your messageto R. I also feel Super amazed that you can’t see what a jerk you were being…Schizoprenia isnt driving a qedge between you…You’re anger at him is…It’s like you write R just to bring him down and punish him and the Fact that you can’t see that really really worries me. Who sends someone a letter someone else writes them inorder to show the person that the someone treats them better? Ick! That’s just gross.
I’m sorry for being so harsh. This is how I like to give advice…I think it hits home harder but I will soften this style if you feel angry and uncomfortable.

Radlove – I think that maybe you and R shouldn’t be friend for a little while…until you get over that sense of rejection. You like him more than a friend and your anger is hurting him and you….I suggest you sit down and find your feelings.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 3:38am
809: Heart says:

Slippin Goddess….Dump him! But really…Dump him!

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:03am
810: Lizka says:

Wow Heart! Have you eat tiger soup for breakfast? Lol

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:06am
811: Lizka says:

I’m feeling afraid I’m gonna be the next

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:07am
812: Slippin' Goddess says:

@Heart #809

I know.. It’s just a pity that my head agrees with you but my heart doesn’t.. xx

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:11am
813: Tam says:

@ Slippin Goddess..you will come to the ‘dumping’ conclusion yourself, maybe not now, but in a month or a year. And then you will be angry that you wasted so much time while you could have been using the money for yourself, and further your own goals – and the time to find a quality man. You will get there. I hope.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:28am
814: Tam says:

I am full of anger today. Anger at everything, and everyone, mostly myself. I try, and try, and try. I feel like Tereana, not trying any more and seeing what the Universe brings but – I have no patience

My only friend here contacted me ‘last minute’ yesterday because she wanted to see me, well I wasn’t at home so I got an email about the fact she feels lonely. I love her to bits but it was a huge trigger for me. I thought ‘you ungrateful cow’. She has a lovely husband who adores her, a lovely healthy and happy baby boy, a great job in which she works just a few hours a week to have time for her family…her husband has time to be at home a lot (teacher), she has money from a big inheritance – and by all accounts a charmed life.
Of course she has the right to feel lonely, but I feel angry. Angry that she can’t be happy for all she has, as I feel like a little sad excuse for a human being who has lost her job/visa/apartment, has been in love with an totally unavailable human being for 2 years, and is existing in a spare room in her family’s house with no quick way out and not even a slow way out right now.
I feel like telling her that she is an ungrateful bia***, but of course I won’t because it’s all my own stuff and triggers. I would lick my fingers at just 1/10th of what she has…I don’t want to feel envy and anger. BUT I DO!!!

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:37am
815: Slippin' Goddess says:

(((((( Tam ))))))

Hugs to you.. and thanks xx

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:48am
816: Slippin' Goddess says:

..although rather than the dumping conclusion I’m hoping things will change.. I’m possibly deluded but hey ho haha

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:50am
817: Tam says:

Thank you Slippin Goddess…anyhow, you have to go with your feelings, eh? I tried to go with my head many times but realistically, the feelings win every time. I made the same mistake 3 times with the same man (to my defence the circumstances were different every time, and he would never take money or harm me intentionally), and would now swear to high heaven that I wouldn’t do it again..fact is, I probably would, though I’d like to think I finally learnt something. Not sure tho…
xx

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:54am
818: Lizka says:

I can only think of this now… “fear of intimacy, fear of ibtimacy, fear of intimacy.”.

Me? Really??

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:55am
819: Tam says:

Yeah, delusion..I think we all suffer from it more or less…I once called it ‘hope’ but I think delusion is a better word hoping for someone to change….

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:56am
820: Heart says:

Lol lizka!

Slippin-goddess…Then your going to have to start to do what Rori says –> radically accepting him…Even the drug use (*Shudders*). Why not reread HTRYW and just do a start over with this guy.
I’m not excusing away this guy’s actions – he should appreciate and treat you better – but you are attached to him. So commit once again to HTRYW.

Rebecca – I know Cding is difficult when you are crushing on someone! I think you should lean forward and talk to your co-worker/gauge his interest/indirectly ask him out..So that he can reject you and you can get over it or 2) you can see how it makes you feel if he says yes. You might get turned off from him because you had to lean forward.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 4:59am
821: Lizka says:

I love my possible fear of intimacy…

((((((( possible fear of intimacy ))))))))

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:01am
822: Rebecca says:

Slippin Godess ~ You like this loser? Why?

It seems like he has knocked your confidence and pummelled you into the ground so much that you can’t get up. It sounds like he is just not taking you seriously and that must be sooo frustrating. If you can’t tell him how you REALY feel – tell us. Let it out here. Vent, winge, rant and moan… Just let it out, go on, here is a safe place. If you really want to change your situation you may have to go through some quite tough feelings.. If you don’t want to change it then that is cool too..

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:17am
823: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ thanks. You sre right and I have already lent forward and he has rejected me. He just said he presumed it was a one night stand and then he went on to tell me about this girl he is in love with and he has never been attracted to anyone as much as he is attracted (sexually) to her. But it’s just not working out between them. I’m just in super piny mood.. I have to see him quite a lot so that makes it super difficult. I know sleeping with him was wrong now, as we were obviously NOT in a relationship,

I didn’t think I would gavexsu

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:27am
824: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ thanks. You sre right and I have already lent forward and he has rejected me. He just said he presumed it was a one night stand and then he went on to tell me about this girl he is in love with and he has never been attracted to anyone as much as he is attracted (sexually) to her. But it’s just not working out between them. I’m just in super piny mood.. I have to see him quite a lot so that makes it super difficult. I know sleeping with him was wrong now, as we were obviously NOT in a relationship. I didn’t think I would have such strong feelings. I felt they came out of no-where – but obviously they didn’t..

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:28am
825: Rebecca says:

I think my little girl was hoping for a lot more than she got…

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:31am
826: Starla says:

good morning ladies

blah i feel so down still

i would really like my period to hurry up and get here.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:32am
827: ReceivingGirl says:

Pamelala – I don’t think he will think of you as broken.

Starla – Thank you

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:38am
828: ReceivingGirl says:

@782 Radlove

Thanks, Radlove. I think he just didn’t want anyone to know his little secret.

We were married 9 years ago. We dated for 2.5 years. He told me he wanted to wait till marriage. I started having a gut feeling about it on my honeymoon. Who has gut feelings their husband is gay?? I went home and played detective and found a bunch of things I could have done without seeing. I filed for an annulment within 4 weeks of our wedding.

Yes, I am over it. It was a very terrible time and I felt every emotion all at the same time. It was my anger that led me through.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:46am
829: Heart says:

Rebecca – Wow. That’s new info! I cannot relate to your situation anymore. It feels like a whole new situation now. Regardless- (Hugs)…Do you think you could get a new job? Iknow it’s drastic but you definitely need to get away from this guy.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:51am
830: Femininewoman says:

Slippin Goddess look at him and see if you would want your kids to be just like him.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:54am
831: Heart says:

Rebecca + others –> what’s this little girl/little boy metaphor about? Where is it from?

Ps – do you all do of any other tools like Waterwheel and paint yourself in love? I love those tools.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:56am
832: Femininewoman says:

ReceivingGirl I had an interview with a guy named Guy Blews he talks about knowing of so many cases where women’s gut feelings going down the aisles is that they are making a big mistake but they still go through with the marriage. Only after years of suffering they build up the courage to walk away.

It is experiences like these that keeps me convinced that checking with your feelings is the best way to navigate through the way.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:58am
833: Heart says:

know of any other tools like…sorry i’m typing from my cell phone.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 5:59am
834: Starla says:

please send me good vibes today. i’m going to try to make it through this dang day.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:05am
835: Femininewoman says:

There is Effortless and Hundred Men Tool, Out the Window.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:07am
836: Rebecca says:

Heart ~ I know! This is why I wished it hadn’t happened and I want to erase him from my mind. Who talks about another woman like that after they have just slept with you??!! Yikes – what did I do to deserve that?! I realky hadn’t expected it – or seen it coming. Plus this has sort of hapoened to me before a couple if times. I feel really angry and hurt about it. He could have just been a bit more polite and say something light and fluffy so as to NOT hurt my feelings! Argh men!!

My gut instinct is to run away from him…

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:10am
837: Femininewoman says:

2) Every time you notice yourself feeling insecure about other women – or about him not being satisfied – Stop what you are doing, and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, or jump up and down on the spot – whatever you want.

Change your physical state. Do something crazy to change your physical state. do ANYTHING just to change your physical state, because fear is physical.

And you cannot make the right decisions or be the woman he wants when you are coming from a place of fear. Anytime you are fearful, your heart rate is raised, your body’s whole biochemistry changes.

This is why it’s important to simply change your physical state – changing your physical state also changes your emotional state.

http://www.thefemininewoman.com/how-to-make-a-man-want-you-and-only-you/

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:11am
838: ReceivingGirl says:

@832 FW

I almost called off the wedding 2 days prior. Not for this reason, but because he really angered me. It was his bachelor party night, I asked him what he was going to do with his car, since a limo was picking them up somewhere. He told me it was none of my business and he turned mean.

We were driving during this conversation to get lunch. I decided I was no longer hungry. He went in to order food and never came out. I went in to find an empty store. I drove back to his place and he was at home sitting on the computer. He had nothing to say, just sort of sat there with a smirk. His friends were staying there for the wedding. He actually went out the back door of the store and left me sitting in the parking lot and he walked home.

That was the first and only time I’ve ever been so mad at someone that I told him, “you can go to FN h3ll!” and I stormed out. I normally don’t swear at people or raise my voice. His friends tried to stop me. He later called to apologize and I forgave him. I wish I hadn’t.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:12am
839: Femininewoman says:

It is okay to forgive him. You expressed your anger and that was what it created. He apologized. The thing is to honor yourself by sinking into these emotions and allowing them to direct you.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:20am
840: Heart says:

Thanks FW – but those tools are for when you’re feeling obsedsive and crazy. I’m talking about tools u can use in the presence of a man.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:24am
841: Femininewoman says:

Heart

“So here’s a Tool to help you END all that
suffering. Let’s call it: I AM ALL THAT!

Try this -

1. Imagine that your attractiveness is
boundless, your eyes are magnets, your heart is an
open pool of gold that every man wants to dive
into, and your body (no matter what you think) is
a lush place that every man longs for, feels
awestruck just thinking about getting close to,
and yet feels safe within.

2. Imagine that’s what HE sees, thinks and
feels.

3. Whatever doubts, fears and thoughts that
come up inside your head about being a boundless,
magnetic pool of gold that every man longs for -
let that nasty voice, those negative images, that
heavy perspective simply STEP ASIDE.

4. Let them simply step out of your picture for
a moment (all you need is a moment), so this man
who sees magnets, gold, boundless lushness and
safety in you can GET to you.

5. Paint this picture for yourself in your
imagination right now, this moment, and keep it
going all day and night, no matter what happens.

6. Once this imaginary picture is in your mind,
and the good feelings it brings are in your heart
and body – when you’re in the market, at the
drugstore, walking down the street, waiting in
line at the coffee house – you will begin to
EXPERIENCE yourself as a magnet for men.
You will easily be able to imagine the energy of
every REAL man coming towards you.

7. Leanback – actually tilt your body backwards
– to keep your energy in “Receiving” mode while
you’re imagining every man you meet (especially
the one you may be in a relationship with right
now) GIVING energy to YOU.

The absolute truth is that YOU are at the
CENTER of hundreds of men who want you. You’re
just likely focused, like so many of us are, on
ONE particular man who’s got a hold on your heart”

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:29am
842: Tam says:

FW..the last paragraph..too true, too true.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:33am
843: Femininewoman says:

“This Tool is called FUEL FOR LOVE, and it’s a way to harness and USE your anger for the good of yourself and your love life. Here are some steps:

1. When you’re not getting what you need – catch
yourself.

Look around you, and check out exactly WHAT you’re doing.

Are you wandering around the house, talking to
yourself in your mind, telling HIM OFF in your mind, and distracting yourself with little, meaningless things – like organizing your socks or putting out the trash?

Or are you trying to start a conversation with him?

Trying to “talk” about what’s bothering you, or ask him to do something, or just being defensive about something he’s said?

Or perhaps he’s said something to YOU, something with a bit of anger in it, or a request
- and all of a sudden it feels so UNFAIR – here you are being so nice and giving, and he’s holding out on you in the important ways – affection and attention – and here he is asking YOU for
something, or being mad at YOU!

And so you find yourself letting him “have it.”

Either straight out with anger, or in a measured, calm, reasonable sort of way where you try to get him to understand how you’re feeling and, well..”how dare he”?

Now…

2. Stop. Absolutely stop yourself, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.

If there are words spilling out of you while you’re talking with him – Stop.

If you’re washing a dish – Stop.

3. Put your hands on your heart. Now…

4. Breathe into your hands, in and out, 3 times.
Now…

5. Say, out loud, even if there’s no one there… “I’m feeling angry.”

Just say it, while you’re holding your hands to your heart and breathing some more.

6. Now sit down. Sit on the floor right where you are if there’s no chair or bed by you.

If you’re in a restaurant – you’re likely already sitting – so that’s great.

If you’re standing at the bar – sit on a stool, or at least LEAN on the bar.

7. If your man is there – look straight into his eyes.

Hold eye contact, hands over heart, breathing, sitting on the floor, the chair, the bed, the stool.

Now – say “Wow.”

Say “Wow” to yourself, because you’ve just done
something amazing.

You’ve just “interrupted” an old pattern that hasn’t been working for you – and you’re just now about to do something totally thrilling…

8. Stay on the floor, and if you feel like crying, cry.

If you still feel angry, hit the floor.

(If you’re out somewhere, go to the bathroom and do the same thing – only hit the air.)

If he doesn’t make a move – that’s fine. If he comes over to you – that’s fine, too.

If he comes over to you – melt all over him. Be glad to have him.

If he turns around and walks away in a huff, or if he stands there and says something nasty, or if he just stands there silently, you just sit there, until you finally feel ready to move – then

9. Get up and go do something fun – make tea, go
read a book, curl up in bed with a fluffy blanket or a pet

When you’re ready…

10. Write a Fuel For Love “speech.”

It goes like this:

“I feel angry and upset. And I feel concerned that we’re not on the same page, here.

I don’t know how to make our relationship more
affectionate and close…I don’t think I can do it by myself.

I’m just a girl here, and I like affection and attention.

It makes me feel good. It makes me feel turned on.

When I don’t get enough – I feel cranky.
And angry.

Is there something we can do that would help?

Is there something I need to know?

Are you mad at me?

What do you think?”

Notice that I left space between each line -
that’s in case he should say something or ask a
question.

If you deliver a speech one line at a time, and
then breathe – you’ll feel much better.

And now you’re ready!

11. Deliver your speech.”

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:37am
844: Sassy says:

Slippin Goddess,
His actions are those of a serious drug abuser. It will NOT get any better until he wants to stop. He will continue to be angry and blame you. Your best bet at this point, if you don’t have any intentions of leaving him yet (although eventually you will), is to remove his access to YOUR money. If he wants to destroy and abuse his body, let him find his own way to pay for it. You are enabling him by allowing him to throw away your hard-earned money. He needs Tough Love and that is step one. If you are in any physical danger from him you must find a way to get out.

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:40am
845: Heart says:

Feminine woman- Woohoo…I love it! Thanx <3

Monday, 11 June 2012 @ 6:43am
846: Femininewoman says:

“Let’s get our THRILLS from staring at ourselves
in the mirror!

It’s so much easier to see all the flaws than
to see all the beauty in our faces and our bodies
- but if you look closely, and with a new
perspective – our beauty is so tremendous that
the flaws only ADD to the effect.

The flaws make us less “perfect” – but they
also make us MORE ATTRACTIVE!

The truth is – it’s what WE might consider to
be our “flaws” that actually creates our
“charisma.”

We just have to learn how to love those
“flaws” and let them work FOR us instead of
against us – like with this Tool.

2. Now – every single time you walk by one of
those mirrors, I want you to stop, turn to the
mirror, and smile at yourself – even BEFORE you
get a clear, focused image of your reflection.

In other words, smile at the IDEA of seeing
yourself.

When you get to the point that you
automatically smile at yourself every time you
see yourself, something will happen inside you
that’s very, very nice.

You’ll start to look forward to seeing

Have The Relationship You Want