He Just Wants To Be Friends – What To Do Now

Here’s a great letter from Bea that pretty much does my job for me:

“Rori, this is the email I received this morning from “the boy”:

“Hey…I’ve tried a few different ways to write this and then tried to call you about it but then only realized I would fuck it all up so here’s my best. I don’t think I can spend the time I do with you romantically and sexually. It’s obviously tough because whenever I’m with you, I feel pretty damn good but then when I’m not with you I feel bad about feeling that good.

Let me see if I can explain…for whatever reason(s) I feel wrong about being in a relationship with you. It’s probably 100% me, but I just don’t feel comfortable in that idea. So then I spend time with you and I automatically feel the opposite and it confuses the shit out of me but not in a good way. And then I feel horrible in terms of that confusion and it draws me further away from you.

I do feel that we are good friends that can talk about pretty much anything together and I believe that the more time we spend with each other romantically, the more I find myself drawing away from you in that friendship and again, as good as I might feel in the moment, I don’t want it to become that type of relationship.

So saying all that and the knowledge that we have a crazy amount of chemistry together when we meet up, I’m cautious about suggesting that we try and just be good friends the next time we see each other. Of course, you’re going to feel a certain way about seeing me too but please believe me when I say to you that I do really like spending time with you and hope that we can continue to do that as friends (maybe with some time for us to process our feelings).

I’m now re-reading this and hate pretty much everything I’ve said but I feel as if it’s an endless cycle and I don’t want you keep you in the dark anymore. I hope you don’t hate me (or yourself) cause most importantly I don’t regret one part of our relationship…I just feel like this is the best I can come up with going forward.”

My response was: Thanks for the offer of friendship. i’m flattered that you want to be friends but that is not something i’m interested in. i’m interested in you romantically and sexually and i can’t handle seeing you as “just a friend”. i know i would feel bad.”

i’ve deleted him from every social network we’re friends on.  And i’m pretty much hysterical.

And here’s what I wrote back to Bea:

Bea – WOW – you ROCK!!!!

Your response here was magnificent, and if you can stay in this space, you’re going to have what you want very quickly. You’ve done absolutely everything right…relish your hysteria – it’s just a feeling covering up other feelings.

Lay down on the floor and process relaxing every single muscle in your body.

Let yourself feel, cry, whatever until you get bored with it.

Every time it doesn’t work out with a man – it’s not right, and every time it happens and you move on, you get closer to your Mr. Right.

It’s the total truth.

You can do this.

Love, Rori

And here’s what I’d like to add right now:

Okay – I know it’s gong to be a rollercoaster every day.  The hysteria is not going to fade overnight.  There’s no magic pill.

BUT – here’s what you can take away from this:

If you can state your true feelings and state your Boundaries – you can do ANYTHING!

It means you can do it again.  And again. And again.

It means you can stand up for what you want.

You can stand up for your dream.

You can decide to say No and live with the feelings that triggers in you.

The more you do this, the more you survive this, the more, every minute, you choose to do something that gets you on the upside of the rollercoaster, the more you love yourself even if you’re in the “pit of pain” – the faster you’ll be ready to receive Mr. Right – no matter HOW you’re feeling in the moment you meet him.

You can do this.

I did it, and every woman I know with a great success story did this.

You go from pain to pleasure.

The length of the journey, the time you spend at each stop – that’s up to YOU  – and we’re all here pulling for you to keep on your Bridge to your Happy Ever After and respect and love yourself all the way there.

Love, Rori

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964 Comments to “He Just Wants To Be Friends – What To Do Now”

  1. 1: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OH WOW wow wow.

    This guys letter to Bea is EXACTLY HOW I feel about one of the guys I am seeing in my CD repertoire..
    And it’s awful. I have not been able to tell him yet. He says he loves me. He I think wants something more.

    I am not sure what I want or what to say or do. It feels just like this guy. I don’t know what to do. I feel bad and confused just like this guy does. S*it. Sh*t. Fuch.

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 6:58pm

  2. 2: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Well…I was dating a guy (sailor man) and everything seemed to be going great until thursday night and then he canceled our date due do having to take a kid to the hospital? and I haven’t heard from him since!!!!! I would at least like a note!!! I feel like he was lying about the hospital thing and that’s a psycho thing to lie about really!

    This feels bad…I feel the hysteria and he wasn’t even my boyfriend…I wish I could understand and not want closure

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 7:58pm

  3. 3: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Eeeek! That letter makes me angry. It makes me want to slap the guy. I know it’s honest and direct and Bea should be thankful for that, but still, I would react violently to a letter like that.

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 8:16pm

  4. 4: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    hi! Jilly, he still hasn’t called you? wow, what a jerk wad!!!! that’s awful…

    Ragnell…lol….I cannot even imagine a guy that verbal taking all that time to emotionally explain his non reasoning. Thought it was kind of funny, and her short and sweet dump him perfect.

    My experience is waaaay more along the Jilly line….

    All yall take care, and have a nice nite!

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 8:39pm

  5. 5: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    and I just did another 3 hour transcript – so the actual Scot McKay – and male vs feminine stuff, etc. is on the blog now. He’s like the best male voice I’ve ever come across….hope you all like it!

    on all of us – if you click on our name, it takes you to blog….

    Jilly….do you even want to talk to him still? not sure I would!

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 8:41pm

  6. 6: JillyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Jacqueline….ya I’m kinda in shock still! I am going to forget he even exists starting right now!!

    you’ve had a guy just disappear on you? I’m going to go check out your blog!

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 8:45pm

  7. 7: johnNo Gravatar says:

    ooooh my god!!!!! girls, its not men vs wemon,,, get a clue, we all want to be happy,, thats all… stop anallizing and playing your games, be yourselves and have fun, thats all he wants, have fun, have fun, have fun………………………………..

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 10:23pm

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow i just had my friend cook some of the grass fed beef fat i had from the organic farm in marin.

    on the bbq. and it tastes like butter . with bread. and it FEELS healthy.

    i feel like my brain just sang. it felt like honey oozed through my joints.

    i feel overwhelmed.

    like grateful

    and like teary humble

    it was so good

    mmm i felt good

    and i felt like so surprised to suddenly feel THAT good

    everyone didnt know – you want to cook fat?

    and then it turns out to have magical properties for me

    my inner desires knew…


    where did you read that your cells regenerate and this new healthy fat is gonna replace the old toxic fat?

    i dont have to read it

    its how it works


    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 11:51pm

  9. 9: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    basically, that fat with bread could feed me for a month.

    and i think it just did. cuz the ohter foods must have been missing something, some amino acid or i dono… i just feel like the lipids in my body have been rejuvenated, like all my joints and brains have been rubbed with butter

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 11:56pm

  10. 10: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it tastes like butter

    Saturday, 4 September 2010 @ 11:57pm

  11. 11: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i wanna turn into this grassfed cow. its healthier than me!

    like its only ate natural grasses all its life… and it lived like 2 years. mmm. thank you cow

    like every trace mineral my body’s been craving for it got from this cow

    this cow IS nature

    it is a Goddess

    o can see the cow with flowers on her horns, being the earth

    thank you cow

    piece of the cow is a piece of nature. a piece of health
    a piece of wild, yet friendly and relaxed…. well… ok not wild hehe… but pretty chill

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:05am

  12. 12: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the cow goddess… yum, she doesnt mind mellowing out and relaxing in the grass, her body melts into the earth. mooo.. the moon sparkles in her big eyes

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:05am

  13. 13: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i ate the cow i am the cow goddess. now i understand. i love understanding. understaind ing feels good. i feel derision and compassion adn softness for my mental gemini side in love with understanding

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:07am

  14. 14: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    is it bad that i eat sacred cow fat?

    am i wrong? the fat skin and bones aren’t as good as the meat to most people/.. even in the greek story

    so why do i crave it?

    i miss it from my childhood

    wheres the marrow

    wheres the chicken legs

    wheres the pork skin with fried smelling hair
    and curl like snail

    gimme beef fat. its gotta be good. that whole cow is holy.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:09am

  15. 15: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i bet its coming in style . im always avant garde.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:10am

  16. 16: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im at a bbq and im sitting here blogging and now judging myself for it

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:11am

  17. 17: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh, i cant have that, i cant do that, that will be hard… low energy.

    oh im lucky , that will get done, i wonder what its gonna be like… good energy

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:52am

  18. 18: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    resistance. hard energy

    feminine, soft expansive energy… not holding on to the tight vortexes

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:55am

  19. 19: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am so lucky! I’m feeling really good and yummy … i’m experiencing a energy shift and perception

    to that of a lucky person

    i am lucky – so things will work out for me, always – because im a lucky person… mmm

    tihs gives permission for my energy magic to work So Effectively right now

    i am blissed out in belief change… and even if my words sounded mumbled, i’m going to be understood by source, and really get a wonderful result… because… im Lucky!!

    omg this is great…

    i highly encourage this thought habit. it feels life chaging, happiness rung hangout lifting to the yipee doo dah

    acuna matata, no worries, im lucky…. i don’t even have to worry tht the word worry felt like low energy… cuz im lucky, i won’t be negatively affected!



    ye e e e e e e ey

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 2:43am

  20. 20: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    OK Ladies, looking for some help here, 9 days ago on the POF dating site I responded to 3 guys who had emailed (2 I have spoken to before). I gave them all my mobile (cell) phone number and here is the result:

    1) W said he would call me last weekend, he didn’t then he sent me a text on Thursday afternoon which I can’t be bothered responding to, to be honest. If you say you are going to do something then you do it in my book (well thats what it taught me in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz).

    2) I said he would be in touch and he hasn’t.

    3) S never even responded.

    Soooo what now? I have 2 more guys who have emailed since, neither of which I am particularly interested in.

    I got my DVD’s on Friday and have been concentrating on Disc 1 of Targeting Mr Right and really, really trying to get this stuff.

    Rori talks about ALL these men circling you with arrows shooting out to you, and whilst that is a very nice analogy there just don’t seem to be as many guys in my age group out there (I am 57 and am considered to be very attractive, slim(mish) and well groomed, BUT I am not 25 let’s face it, I am feeling a little down tonight about the whole thing and am just wondering if I can even be bothered with all of this stuff. Maybe it’s the whole dating site concept which I don’t really feel comfortable with anyway??

    I work 6 days a week, 1 of them at Sydney International airport, you think I would be meeting all kinds of exciting men there, right? Wrong!!

    I spent a year from April 2009 to April 2010 travelling all over England doing the tourist/work thing, you’d think I would have met somebody there right? Wrong, not a damn one!!!

    Maybe I AM too picky, but hell I don’t want to settle for some old, bald, short fat man and to be honest that is mostly who I get, well that or men in their 30’s who are younger than my kids……..

    Sorry for venting, or maybe this is riffing?

    Just fed up tonight, not psyched up at all :(

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:06am

  21. 21: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Anybody know anymore about this Circular Dating YOURSELF? Maybe that’s what I should concentrate on???

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:08am

  22. 22: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens!

    It’s been a while since I’ve been to the blog. I realized yesterday that me dropping off the face of the earth is the same behavior that I feel so bad about when it’s directed to me, so I wanted to take a moment and say hello and goodbye for now.

    I feel silly explaining this, but it feels better than to go away with no word (and some have asked where I’ve been, and it feels good to be missed!)

    The short explanation is this: I need a break from focusing on relationships, and being here every day was pulling me off my road to Happily Ever After. What is it that they say about too much of a good thing?

    One of the great things I’ve learned about myself from Rori is that my boundaries have to be rock solid. I didn’t realize until this year that I pick up very strongly on other people’s emotions, and make them my own. And I feel overwhelmed with it, and start creating chaos in my life because I can ‘feel’ the chaos that I see in other people’s life.

    I love you Sirens – especially the ones who I’ve built relationships with over the months here on the blog, and I hope to see you over on FB.

    I feel a little less womanly admitting that I want to remove the focus from romantic relationships… but I just feel so tired by the whole thing, and I need to take care of myself.

    A couple of months ago, I became very sick – when I finally went to the doctor (I had been trying to fight it naturally, and wasn’t successful) and asked him what had happened, he said I had probably been carrying the sickness in my body for a while, but something happened that compromised my immune system. I’m 100% better now, but the sickness interrupted everything in my life for almost a month… knocked me out of the game, so to speak. Affected my business, my friendships – my entire life.

    …well, that ‘something’ that compromised my immune system was my feelings of anxiety over what was happening in my romantic life.

    I felt blown away when I realized what had happened. I had MADE myself sick because of the bad feelings that I was swimming in. And the crazy thing is, they were not even based on reality. What I mean is that I started to analyze my situation and came up with a bunch of scenarios that WEREN’T REAL! And because I’m so sensitive, I attached emotions to the fake ‘what if’s’, and made myself very sick. No bueno.

    I decided at that moment that no man is worth my health, and that I truly love myself first… which means that I have to do everything I can (even stop visiting this blog) in order to protect myself and remain healthy.

    So, long story short – my focus has shifted. I am CDing still, but saying no to dates. I meet men everywhere I go, and spend a little time with them, and let them call me, etc. I receive their attention and their energy up to the point where it stops feeling good to me. I spend zero energy giving anything to the men I meet.

    Until I meet a man who feels good at every step, I’ll continue to CD like this. I wore myself out and hurt myself by expending too much energy where it didn’t belong. And right now, even going on a simple dinner date with a man ‘because I should be dating’ is expending too much energy for me.

    That will change, I’m sure… It’s just the season I’m in.

    …and I’ll be back one of these days!

    I’m off to get a pedicure… and I’m gonna order the extra foot massage.

    Love and health and happiness and all good things to y’all!

    xxoo Siena

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:51am

  23. 23: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    “you say good-by – I say hello”. Hi, I am completely new to this blog, but have been “eating it up” in the past month. For starters, I want to share with you the discomfort it caused me at first. I think I will feel more free afterwards and I wonder if anybody else felt this way.
    As I was reading through all the various posts and stories of different women in various categories I found myself thinking: “I could have written that” or ” that’s EXACTLY how I feel” or “that’s precisely what happened to me” and so on. And as it kept happening I started getting more and more angry. Why did it make me angry, when I should be identifying with whoever wrote it and feel that I am not alone with all the relationship crap? Why did I feel so resentful when I should be grateful that there are wonderful women, just like me, to share with?
    Well, it’s because it burst my bubble for good.
    Here is an example: Siena wrote about feeling other peoples feelings and it causing chaos within herself. Oh, that is soooo familiar! I always thought that was unique to me, though. I had convinced myself that this was my personal problem, that no one would understand and therefore no one could help and I could just go on feeling sorry for myself.
    And the whole thing about “giving more then we are getting back” – hey, I was supposed to be the most giving, loving, caring, understanding, nourishing woman in the world and if I could only get a man to see that, he would appreciate me and love me and we would have the most wonderful relationship forever. All other women were supposed to be little selfish bitches. (I am exaggerating)
    I am at a point were that makes me laugh, because it seems so ridiculously childish. But I also realize the arrogance in it and how I alienated myself. That’s pretty sad. And now, that I have this off my chest, I can go on and feel good about being normal and hopefully learn to be open enough to share and grow with you here.
    I am 46 and have been married twice. I think it’s time to get it right, finally.
    BarbinOz, I so relate to what you wrote. I am tired of this on-line dating. How does one get through those first stages? Should I date even though I don’t feel like it? And even though I can tell that the guy isn’t for me?

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 10:41am

  24. 24: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Rori!!!! I really want to get that ebook now. I’ve tried to order it 5 times and it’s rejected my French card every time even though I know there’s enough money in the bank. Also no luck with your support page. And… these 5 free heart connection tools promised at sign up haven’t arrived. Please advise or get one of your technical staff to contact me. Thank you!!!

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 10:42am

  25. 25: JuliaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much for your timely blog.
    Today, I feel pain thinking about my ex, and am tempted to give in and try to be friends.
    It feels so hard at the moment and I feel very lonely.
    I won’t now contact him though.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 11:21am

  26. 26: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm. From Christian Carter:

    TRUTH #1: Men Don’t Need To Chase
    It’s been said many times by many people that
    men need to be made to chase a woman in order
    to want her and commit wholeheartedly.

    Not true.

    In fact, this is plain wrong.

    Rather than wanting to “chase” a woman,
    men are humans first.

    Which means…

    They want and need to feel a deep, emotional
    level of attraction for a woman if they are going
    to be moved to want bigger and better things with
    you in their life.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:10pm

  27. 27: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Siena, it feels so good to hear from you and to hear where you’ve “been” and where you “are.” <3

    I can really relate to everything you wrote! I am trying right now to get more balance in my life too — the main thing being to shift a lot of my attention, time, and energy AWAY from men and dating and onto other things that fulfill me and bless me and share my life and love and who I am with others in a broader way. It's really a challenge for me to make that shift, but I know I need to.

    "Until I meet a man who feels good at every step, I’ll continue to CD like this. I wore myself out and hurt myself by expending too much energy where it didn’t belong. And right now, even going on a simple dinner date with a man ‘because I should be dating’ is expending too much energy for me."

    Yes, that's how I feel.

    Hugs to you! Thanks so much for coming back to share this with all of us!


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:18pm

  28. 28: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I also especially resonate with this:

    “I receive their attention and their energy up to the point where it stops feeling good to me. I spend zero energy giving anything to the men I meet.”

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:20pm

  29. 29: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Lucy…..
    so are you resonating with Christian Carter? or disputing him (Scot McKay says the same, btw)….and wow, that seems harsh. I give the waitress at the Denny’s the respect of my time and attention…they often tell me their life stories….would we then spend 0 energy giving anything to anyone we meet? or is this a sort of man bashing?

    I get the quit overgiving, but boy does that feel like a backlash!

    Sienna, and all…
    what do you think?


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:31pm

  30. 30: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, I feel a little confused as to what you are saying/asking.

    Re: Christian Carter — I posted what he wrote because it seemed to contradict what Rori says about men wanting to pursue us — and that without the pursuit, they don’t feel attracted. It felt interesting to me that Christian says men don’t need to chase. So now i feel confused — do they or don’t they??? In a way, I felt relieved to read what he wrote, because WH knows that I really like him and that therefore he doesn’t have to chase me. It feels good to believe that maybe he doesn’t need to chase me in order to want me.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:49pm

  31. 31: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “so are you resonating with Christian Carter? or disputing him (Scot McKay says the same, btw)….and wow, that seems harsh.”

    What seems harsh? I feel confused.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  32. 32: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really horrible reading “man bashing.” I don’t know to what you are referring, but I assure you that neither Siena nor I are engaging in anything even remotely akin to “man bashing.” I (and I’m pretty sure Siena, too) love and respect men. I feel kinda angry and confused about what you wrote. Ooh, it feels bad!

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:55pm

  33. 33: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    hey, yeah I noticed CC tends to contradict Rori; the statement I do not give any of my time to men….I’m paraphrasing….seems harsh, and you said you resonated with that.

    What I’m gettting in interview men about what they’re telling other men is that they want the woman to “follow”….check out Scot’s quote, but they are not into the chase in the way Rori defines it, and we use it.

    Now, I’ve dated some really rich alpha guys who without the chase would probably have just stopped in place….lol…but I do believe your average guy needs some definite encouragement, maybe simply because of all the “rules” going around for dating?

    So, my not so alpha guy is out there rebuilding the garage, and even HE followed me across the kitchen when I did the step back….lol…it’s in their dna?

    But, a lot of guys have told me they’re checking us out to see if we’d even be open to dating them, and those guys – probably my guy, too, in the beginning…they have to get some sort of come on, yes I’m interested, but my rule is you’ve got to initiate, or whatever to even decided to pursue you.

    And this goes double for freshly out of a marriage, etc. guys – they are toooooooooo afraid of rejection to pursue in the way we expect/want them to with the tools here.

    The one comment I did find on the internet about Rori’s tools that was not glowing was interesting – it was some guy saying, that will only work on guys with low self esteem. I think it’s the opposite.

    and you?

    Happy day…be in and out checking on new garage and playing cheerleader….grin…


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 12:57pm

  34. 34: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oh, and you know I realized the whole I’m gonna break your heart disclaimer I come with? It’s my way of NOT getting into the girlfriend trap. But luckily??!!! well nowadays anyway, I also have a I’m high maintenance disclaimer….and now have a new term: high degree of difficulty. I’ve pretty much always had that – well, if you count like calling when you say you’re going to, which some men find difficult. rofl…..

    so I’m not saying pour your heart out to any/everyman, but I am saying some connection to them is simply human. Not a male vs female thing. It’s the polite and socially acceptable thing to do…

    and once you’ve hooked em? disclaimer and small print. hahah

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:01pm

  35. 35: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “And this goes double for freshly out of a marriage, etc. guys – they are toooooooooo afraid of rejection to pursue in the way we expect/want them to with the tools here.”

    That feels interesting. I got that impression with WH early on, before we met. And then, afterwards, Jason indicated that WH’s pullback might possibly be rooted in fear of getting attached and then rejected.

    So, I feel a lil confused as to how to proceed with him at this point — tools, no tools? Best answer is probably follow my intuition, which is what I am doing anyway as much as possible. :)

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:06pm

  36. 36: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “the statement I do not give any of my time to men….I’m paraphrasing….seems harsh”

    Methinks the problem is with the paraphrase. :) It misses the real meaning and intent of what Siena and I were saying.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:08pm

  37. 37: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    And…I feel curious about why your filters interpreted and paraphrased it that way….

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:11pm

  38. 38: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    probably, I’m reading on the fly….thanks. What I’m getting out of all of this is to focus less on the male/female distinction and more on the human commonalities of we all want to be heard, admired for something, etc. I feel like a whole new world opened up for me when I decided to start checking out the guy’s websites, and then getting to actually have Scot spend 30 minutes with me letting me ask questions? Felt like solid gold!

    carpenter’s helper

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:13pm

  39. 39: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    my filters have always been to “encourage” men I wanted to pursue me….otherwise I literally do not look at them, being tall I can just look above their heads. But I find all/most men fascinating….and I really gut believe they have to find us open and encouraging of them to chase us, so the say nothing just look thing is very foreign to me.

    not saying it’s wrong, and it’s waaay easier and more fun and totally avoids any risk of rejection…it’s just not my natural way in the world.. But that’s what I’m here for, to try other ways.


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:16pm

  40. 40: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi I don’t have much access to the internet since yesterday. My Mom reminded me of this song and I thought it was appropriate for Bill. :-)

    (Written by Laura Nyro)

    Laura Nyro
    The 5th Dimension

    Bill, I love you so, I always will
    I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
    Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day

    Oh, I was on your side Bill when you were losin’
    I’d never scheme or lie Bill, there’d been no foolin’
    But kisses and love won’t carry me until you marry me Bill

    I love you so, I always will
    And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
    Ah, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells

    I was the one who came runnin’ when you were lonely
    I haven’t lived one day not lovin’ you only
    But kisses and love won’t carry me until you marry me Bill

    I love you so, I always will
    And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
    Ah, but Bill you know I wanna take those wedding vows
    Come on Bill, come on Bill

    Kisses and love won’t carry me until you marry me Bill
    I love you so, I always will
    Come on Bill

    Wont’cha marry me Bill
    I love you so, I always will
    Come on Bill

    Wont’cha marry me Bill

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:25pm

  41. 41: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, i’m just tracking along here.

    running from a guy who is chasing is not sustainable. sooner or later he will catch me. because, oh! i love it when someone is after me… it makes me curious and wanting to slow down and be interested…

    then what?

    i have to just be interesting as hell, have tons of stuff going on in my life, not be derailed by him, and be radiantly, healthily happy.

    that’s what i think, anyway.

    running – chasing – running – chasing…

    girl – boy – girl – boy…

    maybe just flirt? smile, eye contact, long looks up and down, and then possibly keep the humor going? when a guy gets pretty serious with me, and when i think he can take it, i start joking and he usually loves it…

    then i just stay on my horse and keep riding. (Rori’s image there…)

    in my opinion, that’s not running. if he’s riding along beside me, great! wonderful. if not, it’s okay, because what gets me really, really going are those affirmative actions i’m always talking about…

    so the key for me is to have a life worth living, and then just live it and enjoy the people around me – male and female – and especially the ones that respond in kind, like the guys who want to date me, and if some people fall by the wayside, for whatever reason, it’s fine! they’re so many more people out there. and what’s most important is the road i’m traveling… because it’s my life, and no one can live it for me.

    and i can be straightforward and honest and fun and that can all be very, very attractive to a guy…

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 1:56pm

  42. 42: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda. I remember that song — we actually had the “45.” :)

    Mary, thanks for your points. :)

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 2:29pm

  43. 43: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I commit to coaching with Erika by the autumnal equinox.

    I commit to cleaning and organizing my work area by Halloween.

    I commit to finishing the final draft of my book by Thanksgiving.

    I commit to losing ten pounds by Christmas.

    I commit to being in a healthy, committed relationship by New Year’s!

    I feel scared and powerful.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 2:35pm

  44. 44: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Posts # 19 and 20

    Any help anybody? I feel unheard :(

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:06pm

  45. 45: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hey Lucy,

    you can do all that!


    and i commit to going digital with all my papers by the end of september.

    and i commit to scanning all of my photos by the end of october.

    and i commit to cutting my budget in half by the end of november.

    and no storage at all by the end of november.

    and i commit to finding a place to live and buying it by the end of december.

    i commit to being completely, fully trained and working as a top quality person in my field by new year’s.

    i feel excited.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:21pm

  46. 46: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Mary….waves and jumps! we come from the same opinion school, so not much to add…lol…

    Lucy – I just posted a new true story in Derring Do…you can excerpt your book in there if you’d like, on the blog.

    & Brenda! Wow, that song is now stuck in my head on Billlllllllll…..thanks every so much, lol! Brenda’s gonna be our very own Romance Writer on the blog soon….when we get the story R17??? lol…
    hang in there, girl, and change the song, okay?


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:32pm

  47. 47: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I’m thinking THIS is the best illustration of male/female ever…..reminds me of my friend’s 3 year old boy who once for two hours just kept telling me look what I can do, waaaay after he’d run outta things to do.

    My guy shows me these nice little squares for the now monster garage, and I’m like gee those are beautiful, and then he goes, “just WAIT until you see how big it’s gonna be!” OMGosh,,,,see a little encouragement and what do you get….testosterone! and ??
    they never outgrow it?!

    Lol…off for now, have a good Sun. nite everyone,

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:55pm

  48. 48: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda #38, I prefer that Michael Buble song, “Haven’t Met You Yet” 😀 😀 😀


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 3:59pm

  49. 49: maryNo Gravatar says:

    mmmmmmm… thank goodness for testosterone….

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 5:04pm

  50. 50: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    speaking of testosterone . . . I’m im’ing with an 18 y o right now! What is it with these boys????

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 5:19pm

  51. 51: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “The short explanation is this: I need a break from focusing on relationships, and being here every day was pulling me off my road to Happily Ever After. What is it that they say about too much of a good thing? ”

    I’ve been feeling like this too. And I also feel a little addicted to this blog.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 7:24pm

  52. 52: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    What’s the story R17?? You saw the story I sent you in the attachment, right?

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:05pm

  53. 53: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, Ditto. I have come to see you all as precious friends, and I don’t want any of that to end, yet I am leaving key parts of my life…including my POP…unattended. I feel concerned. I really like it here. But I am also not getting out as much either, since I spend so much time here. I guess it’s a matter of finding balance. This is very addicting tho! :-) At least it’s one of my healthiest addictions!

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:07pm

  54. 54: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Brenda….yes, R17 = restricted content…smile.
    I’ll email you on it prob. Tuesday, ‘kay???

    ooops, now that dang song is back in my head!

    Hope you’re having a good holiday – at your moms?

    Night, all….

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:08pm

  55. 55: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps…it’s weird for me because unless everyone changed their names, some have just dropped off? knocksoftly, janjune, etc. makes me feel sad…and yeah, I spend too much time here too!

    that’s why….lol…I’m saying g’nite. smile

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:10pm

  56. 56: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda…yea, I remember – first I couldn’t get it to open had to uninstall and reinstall open office on this refurbished desktop after laptop blew up – AND I bought two new ones this weekend that wouldn’t work right either! shudder…

    sooooo, it’s really good – I knew you could/would be a writer!!, but yeah, I’m gonna make a “sexier” site, and it’ll fit there, kind of afraid to post it on the achieving dreams thing. Even Athol caused chaos enough, and all he said was he was horny. Sig. other problems for weeks!!!! ugh…

    Did you see Scot McKay’s interview? He is one cool guy!!!

    So, onto ramping up the blog and making new site…talk soon….


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:14pm

  57. 57: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, here’s my cold response from Bill….I texted him Friday evening to let him know I sent him an email. Then I texted him Saturday to say I promise I will never intentionally embarrass him at work. I also said I feel frustrated going on and on in limbo with him. I felt nauseated when I read this:


    I have no issues with your work performance or work ettiquette. I didn’t respond to your text as I’m on holiday with my family and didn’t want to address work issues while on vacation. We can disucuss any concerns that you might have on Tuesday.

    Again there are no significant issues – well one minor issue with Anaira – she has requested that you move your desk. That is a minor thing and I figured we would take care of it Tuesday.

    I would request that you use e-mail rather than my text my home phone. My home number is for emergencies or urgent work related issues. I prefer to handle work issues during work hours unless its an emergency.

    Have a good weekend,


    How do you all feel about that? I don’t buy that about Anaira not wanting my desk across the aisle from her. I think it is about him not wanting me to sit in his area again. I am strongly thinking of going to work tomorrow to move my desk back to the building I was in, even tho I hate it there because I hardly know anyone. I would feel ashamed moving my desk in front of everyone. Any suggestions on that? At the very least, I want to go to work tomorrow (I have off) or super early Tuesday to gather most of my personal belongings, so I don’t have as much to move. Go ahead, say I told you so. One of these years I’ll learn.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 8:44pm

  58. 58: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Bill’s pretentious response hit me like a ton of bricks. He sure can turn the charm on and off in a heartbeat. I feel cold and clammy. I feel horrible, like being slapped in the face for no reason. I feel insecure, and automatically I felt myself tucking my thumbs inside my fists. I dread going to work Tuesday.

    I am trying to think through moving my desk. I think it would be best to move it back to the other building. It sure isn’t what I want or like, but it will be better than having to cross paths with Bill each day. I hate it when people won’t address issues head on and instead pretend they don’t exist. Does he really believe I didn’t think there was an attraction there?

    This is my shared attraction all over again with a married leader in the past. He treated me so special, and my Mom and my mentor didn’t believe there was any attraction coming from him, that I was just making it up, because he was looked up to by the community, and he was married.

    But when it all panned out, I amazingly crossed paths with a woman who had known him for about 25 years, who he had tried to flirt with, too, as a married man. And she confirmed everything I sensed with no surprise…she had seen it all before.

    And, it was because of this past attraction, that went on and on unaddressed for about a year, that I pushed the envelope with Bill. I wanted to be clear one way or the other.

    And, even tho it hurts, really bad, I would rather know where I stand with him rather than him go on and on with this undefined attraction between us. Eight months was long enough. If I just broke a fragile thing, then so be it, he wasn’t the man for me. His loss.

    I’m sure God has a man for me, and there is nothing I can do that will ruin that. I can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. If Bill is acting, and I do mean ACTING, cold, then that makes my job easy, as Erika said. I know he isn’t the one. And that doesn’t change the fact that there is the right man out there for ME.

    I feel so hurt. I feel like numb rubber. I feel shame and embarrassment. I am weary that it seems almost every circumstance in my life is tied with shame and embarrassment.

    I am at the diner to use the internet. I am sitting at the very booth where Ryan and I took turns writing that romantic poem line by line. It was the most romantic thing a man ever did with me. It was one of the best days of my life. Ryan said he moved to another town about an hour away. I don’t know if it’s true or not, because he’s known to lie.

    So many things remind me of Ryan. I am glad I left my phone home to charge, because I’d be calling Ryan right now if I had it here.

    I am such a bundle of emotions.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:04pm

  59. 59: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – ok. now think about… why did you want to send out something to him worded that certain way. are there certain things in that way of communicating with a man — that appeal to you?

    is it to test his depth? or does it feel good to share things of yourself that feel scary?

    can you translate what you want to keep from that style of communication —

    to feminine feeling message lean back communication?

    because surely somethign attracted you to write that letter and send it right? then you can keep the stuff you like about that, and incorporate that with the new way of communicating…

    thats what i would do. i once wrote a boyfriend that was pulling away – a very romantic letter … the only time i ever have… – about how i shouldve known from the first day we met we were meant to be together, and that being with him is liek heaven, . it felt really good to show him how i felt in that part of me that felt special with him.

    and then he dissed me because he was already withdrawing and i was chasing.

    luckily , i – self involved even back then ! ha take that – copied the letter and still have it! its BEAUT?IFUL! i love it as a piece of art… of me FOR ME

    but it’s not the most beautiful love poem, art, or sincere showing of my pain that draws a aman in.

    its leaning back and being an invitation and warm when he initiates, and open… not judging, speaking only the truth to my best, and speaking kindly to myself and others.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:12pm

  60. 60: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hugs brenda. love you mucho

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:13pm

  61. 61: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i am feelin a little confused. what did you say to bill to begin with that this was his response to? that is, if you feel like sharing and talking about it. i know you’re feelin shaky right now.

    hugs hugs hugs

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:14pm

  62. 62: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh, i see…did you send him that letter that tinque suggested you not send?

    i feel like crying.

    and i don’t want you to run away from me or this blog right now or feel attacked because you sent a letter than pushed a man away and we are all trying to pull you up out of the water and onto the warm sun-baked rocks on our island. we are all learning here. i am guessing youre processing this all and it feels like swimmy head awful but in the end you will feel like “lesson learned.”

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:19pm

  63. 63: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks, it was in the last thread:

    Hello Bill,

    I feel weird writing what I’m about to say, but I feel uncomfortable not knowing what you think. I wonder why you distanced yourself between Thursday and Friday. I am not talking about cancelling lunch out with the group. I understand that. But you seemed distant today, and that is what I sensed. I wondered what changed between yesterday and today? Is there anything you want to say to me? I’m feeling confused. And I don’t want to feel this way unnecessarily.

    Please excuse me if I make you uncomfortable by saying this, but the only thing I could think of was that I was on the phone loudly this morning talking with the help desk trying to get my name change ironed out. Just for the record, I talked loudly because when I used my “office voice”, the man on the phone said he could barely hear me. I hope you didn’t think I was trying to have you hear.

    I detest dealing with stuff like this, because inevitably, it’s a hassle, and I feel so frustrated when it can’t just be simple. So I procrastinated it since May, when I originally went thru the name change process. And I waited until a day when I could be on the phone without bothering too many people. So I spent an hour on the phone with three different people. And, after all my effort, they emailed me case closed. My name is still MarriedName on Outlook.

    Just for the record, I was married from 2003-2006 to a man in prison, so it really was just a marriage in name only. I have never even been alone in a room with him, and I never knew him outside of prison. My divorce was final in September 2006. I didn’t change my name until last August because he convinced me to leave it MarriedName, since inmates are treated better when the staff at the prison know they have family on the outside.

    I am attaching my old and new licenses. If all this is inappropriate, please excuse me. I just don’t like to be misunderstood, and I have no clue if I am. I suppose you’ll distance yourself all the more after this email, but I just feel frustrated right now, and I feel like testing out my theory that if I found a new job, that maybe I wouldn’t forever be kept at arm’s length by you. I’m just a girl here, and I’m doing my best. What do you think?


    I welcome any and all feedback on how to respond to him when I see him Tuesday.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:20pm

  64. 64: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    please forgive me if i sound tough, and please consider listening to me with an open mind and heart.

    you basically went way too far and bill is handling it with class. well, as much class as he can, considering that the only “positive” response would have been “brenda, i love you and you should quit your job so we can date.” Which is not happening right now. So he handled this pretty gracefully.

    If it were me, when I saw bill on tuesday, I would tell him that I feel embarassed that I let my anxieties and insecurities get the best of me, and I feel weird now and it would feel good to just move on and get back to work. And then lean way way way back and keep telling myself that unless he is in front of me, he doesn’t exist.

    brenda, you are a beautiful person. you have beautiful eyes and adorable cheeks. you have so much love and nurturing in your heart, and a perspective on life that comes from a truly unique and intriguing set of experiences. I feel horrified that you completely sold yourself short in writing that to him. I want you to stop selling yourself short on a daily basis. There is a wonderful man out there that is looking for a woman just like you. Please don’t forget that.

    oh brenda, i want to cry. and i will literally pray to God tonight that you will start listening to the wisdom of Siren Island that you came here for in the first place.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:29pm

  65. 65: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you very much for your feedback! I will take some time to break it down and process it like you said. Basically, I feel a need to explain because I feel chronically misunderstood and thot the worst of by all the world. I have felt a need for a while to let him know my marriage was far from the typical marriage, since it was long distance.

    About my frustration and confusion about Bill, I have just felt a need to push the budding romance one way or the other. I went thru this with the community leader who was attracted to me 4-5 years ago. I was powerfully attracted to him, and had he been single, I would have married him in a heartbeat. It was undoubted that he was flirting with me, yet he never verbalized anything. And, even tho he was married, he gave me reason to believe he was secretly getting a divorce. It was obvious from my first day at his organization that he was not in love with his wife. But it was maddening to go on month after month not knowing why he was flirting with me. I was so admiring of him that it hardly occured to me that he could be flirting with me and intend to remain married. He seemed too perfect to do something like that.

    So there is no doubt that my strong feelings of frustration for a static attraction are tied in with this community leader. Everything in me screams, “No! I won’t go thru this inner torment again! Make a move on your attraction or get out of my life!”

    I am pretty sure I will move my desk back over to the stuffy, boring building where I hardly know anyone. It seems the only thing to do in the face of such cold rejection, right? I mean, I really would appreciate your feedback. I am floundering and now that I’ve embarrassed myself, I’d feel good to at least make a few appropriate moves now.

    I am already jobhunting, and my contract ends at the end of November anyway, so I need to be jobhunting. Shoot, I have a group document meeting with Bill on Tuesday. But I’m going to step up my jobhunting for sure. Just when I was really starting to feel like I fit in.

    When everyone else in the department asks why I moved my desk when I liked it so much there, what should I say? I honestly don’t want to embarrass Bill or hurt his standing at work in any way. I guess just say that I was distracting Anaira? But that feels bad. I don’t know if it’s true. But I know I didn’t get good vibes from her. She probably saw me nodding off sometimes and crying sometimes.

    What should I say to Bill when I see him? How about this?

    “Your email felt really bad. I felt horrible.”

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:32pm

  66. 66: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you very much for your feedback, suggestions, and kind words in the midst of my buffoonery.

    I feel foolish. Maybe now when I tell you all that I come from a place of being a social retard, you’ll know what I mean. I like your feeling message. I welcome anyone else’s suggestions what to say, too, and I’ll take the best of all, but I think that what you said is just fine.

    And it’s true, that I let my anxieties and insecurities get the best of me. I wish I could afford to quit right now and not even go back.

    You don’t think it was cold that he didn’t address me directly about our attraction? I promise you, I did not make it up.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:38pm

  67. 67: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    this is a glorious yummy opportunity to sink into your feelings. have you dropped to your knees yet?

    i love dropping to my knees.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:43pm

  68. 68: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Since moving back to my old building will make a huge statement to everyone in the department, should I ask Bill in an email before I do it, and hopefully he will respond before I get there on Tuesday so I can move before everyone arrives? I really don’t know if me moving is because of Anaira or because of Bill. Probably Bill. I will hate my job again if I have to move back. I was so bored and lonely there.

    Last night (Sat) I had a total meltdown. I was planning to go to a new night club I found nearby with a live band so I could go out and meet men. So I dressed up and put on makeup. I took my dogs and first went to run them, which I do almost daily.

    While I was there alone watching and listening to the fountain and listening to Delilah on the radio, sitting on a park bench, all my deep, deep feelings of loneliness came up and I just cried and cried. I just don’t feel capable of going on and on alone, and yet I have to.

    What if I give my two weeks notice by faith? That would be really foolish. I would risk my car, home, and dogs. I can’t do that. I will just have to step up my jobhunting. I have to get out of there now. I don’t really want to leave in some ways, because it’s been my longest time at a job since 2002. I’ve been there 1.5 years now. It gives me a feeling of belonging and security to be at a company where I finally know so many people and have friends. I don’t want to uproot and move again, but that’s the story of my life. :-(

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:45pm

  69. 69: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I thot you would see that I have been sinking into my feelings with this novellette I am currently writing? I am at a restaurant to use the internet so I can’t really do anything else until I leave, and then I won’t be on the internet. But I have been releasing emotions left and right all weekend by myself, outside mostly. I also had a meltdown when my Mom and I were next to my car in front of the nursing home. I just starting bawling my eyes out that my nieces and nephews have grown up without me being able to have a real relationship with them because my brothers and their wives have unkindly kept our contact to mostly holidays. Now they are growing up and busy and the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon…

    But yes, I’ve been processing all weekend. Just got this email from Bill since I arrived at the restaurant. Ugh. I really appreciate you giving me your input.

    I am sick of life being so hard.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:48pm

  70. 70: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i am not an expert or a coach, but i would not email him. i would spend some time on my day off tomorrow looking for new job prospects, updating my resume, and all that jazz. maybe cleaning up my living space a little so i can feel good and open.

    then i would go to work on tuesday and say nothing. when he comes through i would let him know i feel pretty embarassed for letting my anxieties and insecurities get the best of me when i contacted him, and that it would feel really good to just move on and get back to work. maybe he will tell you to move buildings. if he is your supervisor, you’ll have little choice. maybe you could walk up to chick’s desk and say “why do you want me to move?” point blank.

    everything is going to be okay. it really is, brenda. don’t quit your job over some silly social gaffe. everything is going to be okay. and you have us here to talk to. everything is going to be cool.

    do not shrink. do not twist up and around. do you.

    start freaking listening to us, woman.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:51pm

  71. 71: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh yeah! i want to feel heard ! i feel unheard i feel starving for heardness

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:53pm

  72. 72: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “Brenda says:


    I thot you would see that I have been sinking into my feelings with this novellette I am currently writing? ”

    ah yes, well i am not tryin to say you are not doin something by reminding you that it is a great opportunity:). go home and sink to your knees. don’t avoid your feelings by only sharing them in the presence of others. it is still a wall. i know you are feeling really upset right now and want to post here to avoid being in contact with your feelings.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:54pm

  73. 73: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ok i feel like i am overstepping my brenda bounds. i just really care about you. i am feeling worn out and frightened seeing you make moves that siren island strongly advises against. i am feeling untrusted and that feels bad. i feel like i am a big f*ckin joke to someone who doesn’t take my advice and then suffers for it.

    much of this trigger has nothing to do with you, brenda.

    the only thing you should be concerning yourself with is this: HUGS!!! HUGS FOR BRENDA!!!!! goodnight girl.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 9:57pm

  74. 74: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks! I appreciate you saying that was your trigger. Nevertheless, let me say that when you have a certain relational style all your life, as bass ackwards as it may be, it is impossible to stop it 100% overnight. I am working the tools, and I am taking baby steps. I am not perfect. Yes, I wish I had listened. But thanks for loving me anyway. I just hate this in limbo stuff.

    So you don’t think I should move my desk before everyone comes in Tuesday? Okay, I won’t email him.

    I really appreciate all your kindness. I feel hugged. I am not running from my feelings by posting here, believe me. You have no idea how naked I feel when I post my deepest feelings here, or you wouldn’t say that. I feel extra embarrassed with this one since you told me not to send the email.


    Please don’t be mad at me. Were you saying I feel unheard in relation to me? Please see what I wrote Dorothea here. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming need to communicate certain things and I revert back to my old way of relating. I am learning. Please be patient with my process.

    I love you both and thank you again for your support!

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 10:16pm

  75. 75: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Happy Belated Birthday!


    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 10:17pm

  76. 76: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    whoa this feels weird and guilty to “confess” : and i want to confess it anywa

    i feel resentful being told “please be patient with me”

    i feel triggered and resistant

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 10:23pm

  77. 77: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hey i was just sittin on the sofa feeling really awful for being so overpowering with my tone with you, brenda. i really mean well. i’m sorry. i don’t want to make your pain right now any worse. ugh, i wish i were better at this.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 10:31pm

  78. 78: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    men love the taste of a woman – no matter what we may think in our off moments
    ~ Rori Raye

    – like when he says he doesnt do that cuz ot him its like insides and raw meat

    so what?


    i feel much more confident

    Sunday, 5 September 2010 @ 11:41pm

  79. 79: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh! daria…

    “i feel starving for heardness.”


    oh my


    i love that.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 1:22am

  80. 80: GigiNo Gravatar says:


    You got some wonderful words of advice and love from both Dorothea and Daria. So wise to not email Bill and do apologize very simply on Tuesday. Act as if…

    As far as the email you sent to Bill and your thoughts about the attraction on both sides…please consider that even though there was attraction there that a relationship truly builds on what is spoken and acted on (dates, proclamations of interest, attraction, etc.)

    So, while you were feeling the attraction, there was nothing said on either side about where the fun banter may lead. All the added on thoughts were the fun hormones and feelings that were building inside of you. You know how Rori talks about the imaginary relationship.

    So, again please keep in mind that I understand that you were sharing all sorts of energy and feelings, it is impossible to know what his thoughts were of where things would go. Plenty of people flirt with no actual intention of taking it further because it is just so much fun to do it.

    I remember Rori (I’m pretty sure here and perhaps someone will remember) having something about a year or so ago about how we are actually physically attracted to anyone we have close feelings about (both men and women.) So, again I have no doubt that you both shared attraction. And, yet one still has to go through the process of seeing if that attraction means it is about dating or friendship or marriage, etc.

    So, even though you felt you were 8 months into a relationship with Bill, you still needed baby steps about checking out what his feelings were about you. It feels to me like you jumped in with the thoughts that he had been on the same page with you – 8 months into a relationship.

    So, while you were cding in the Rori method, which is so great, you were having so much fun imagining your relationship and what you wanted out of it. But to be fair to Bill, neither of you had spoken about having a romantic relationship together.

    And, I can see where you have grown so much on this blog. As Dorothea said I don’t find what Bill said to be cold at all. Please be kind to yourself and take the high road here and try to be calm and do little.

    Your natural instincts were to act as if you were truly both aware that you were in a romantic relationship and now you have been rejected and want to pull way back. It seems to me you have had so much fun with Bill and come so far. If you can just see that you stepped beyond in your head and heart where it was in real life at this point, you may be able to see that Bill is acting classy. And you too can act classy by not overreacting to his email. Please be kind to yourself and your little girl inside. You deserve to stay in that building unless you are told otherwise. This is a great chance to grow. Everyone here wants you to succeed!

    Hugs to you and please understand I’m trying to help you to feel good and get what you ultimately most want!


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 1:53am

  81. 81: GigiNo Gravatar says:


    I also want to add that it is still possible that Bill is and was interested in a romantic relationship with you. It’s just that one cannot assume that what we feel is the same and in a similar manner within someone else. Also, not everyone wants a romantic relationship or marriage, etc. Had Bill ever expressed what he wanted in his personal life?

    Okay, I will stop for now and send you my best thoughts!

    Hugs to you!


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 2:02am

  82. 82: CinnamonNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline – the comments about ‘encouraging’ a man really interest me. I feel interested to understand how you can offer encouragement without leaning forward and then feeling bad?

    My ex has done a couple of things which feel like he may be trying to reach out to me or maybe thats just my hopes wanting it to be so. We have been split up now for a few months.

    For example we were both at a big party on Thursday and he sent me a text aferwards saying it had been lovely to see me and I looked nice ( the nice and lovely comments were an ‘in’ joke). We had a quick chat whilst there and I leaned back and just chatted to him even though I was desparate to do more. He has also put a few messages on facebook which only I would understand including one basically saying he was missing me.

    I am trying to do no contact so I haven’t really responded to any of it other than ‘liking’ one injoke comment he put up on fb.

    On the one hand he hasn’t been in contact saying he wants me back. On the other he sent me a text a few weeks ago saying my match profile sounded like he was my ideal man which felt really bad to me so I responded saying ‘don’t worry I have zero romantic interest in you anymore and my ad may sound like the person you think you are not the person you actually are’ I was so angry that he had read my profile but also commented like that.

    So, how do I offer encouragement now without leaning forward and throwing myself of my bridge? I really feel drawn to emailing him asking why is he putting the comments on fb especially given my previous comment to him.

    But maybe he is just after an ego stroke of wanting to feel like I am still missing him (which I am but have given no sign to him). How can I encourage him without compromising my own dignity and feeling crap?

    <<>> to you Brenda. The sirens are being really wise as always. xx

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 3:34am

  83. 83: CinnamonNo Gravatar says:

    Knocksoftly, I agree I want to be a prize he needs to win but if we take into account Christian & scotts comments – do they need to also know you are a prize they CAN actually win?

    Guys are human too with the same insecurities so if I do nothing then maybe he will just believe my last comment stands – that I’m not interested in him anymore? Feeling really confused now. Maybe one little feeling message just so I don’t always wonder ‘what if’

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:56am

  84. 84: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, RE: #73 – I really felt your love and hugs coming through. Thank you. I didn’t feel harshed on by you.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 8:46am

  85. 85: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gigi, RE: #76 – “So, even though you felt you were 8 months into a relationship with Bill, you still needed baby steps about checking out what his feelings were about you. It feels to me like you jumped in with the thoughts that he had been on the same page with you – 8 months into a relationship.”

    No, I did NOT feel like we were 8 months into a relationship. I felt like we were 8 months into a mutual attraction, and I felt frustrated that he wasn’t manning up and taking it somewhere. I am a good people reader, if nothing else. I was not imagining that the attraction was mutual.

    Thank you for your caring words.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 8:51am

  86. 86: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gigi, RE: #76 – “If you can just see that you stepped beyond in your head and heart where it was in real life at this point, you may be able to see that Bill is acting classy. And you too can act classy by not overreacting to his email. Please be kind to yourself and your little girl inside. You deserve to stay in that building unless you are told otherwise.”

    Yes, I agree that I stepped beyond my head and heart where it was in real life at this point. And, this is the juncture at which I have always felt deep confusion in relationships. So I am learning. And thank you very much for your softness in reminding me how much I’ve grown already.

    About staying in the building, I was thinking it would be a very big act of LEANING BACK if I were to leave the building (like Elvis :-) ). Then he wouldn’t have to cross paths with me in the hall, break room, copier every day.

    As far as logistics, Bill is NOT my supervisor. MM is. Bill originally invited me to sit at the unused desk. A week after I moved, I ran it by MM, who said, “Oh, I don’t care where you sit. Just so long as you realize the other department has the right to ask you to move at any time.” Technically, I am not allowed to change where I sit. So if I moved back to the other building, I would be where I am technically supposed to be. When everyone asks me why, I would simply say, “Facilities told me I had to be at my assigned desk.” My desktop is still there, and I’ve been working from my work laptop.

    I would feel humiliated and ashamed moving desks in front of everyone and having Bill decide. Early on, we had joked about “banishing” me back to the other building. It would hurt if HE told me to go there. But I think if I moved there early tomorrow morning, before everyone arrives, I would feel better not drawing all the attention of moving everything (everyone would notice more).

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 8:59am

  87. 87: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – If I may add my thoughts on this; though you sent the e-mail after all, so what.
    Why would you move your desk? You did nothing inherently wrong. You were brave and bared your heart. If anything this is something of which to be proud. Takes courage.
    I would suggest going in to work tomorrow holding our head high. Say nothing to anyone about any of this. Not Bill. No one.
    And carry on as any other day at the office. If B comes by, smile and say hello. That’s it. Simple and clean.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:09am

  88. 88: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Here is an email from a man I just “met” Friday the 3rd on a new dating site I just joined. This sounds REALLY fake to me. You gotta consider this is his third email. We have yet to talk on the phone. My emails were both brief because I was responding late at night. Hello?? If only this were Bill…LOL!

    “Hello , I just see myself keep searching for your email and believe me i am getting so acquainted to you . Ever since we started sending the recent messages we’ve sent to each other…I’ve been so much thinking about you and to be sincere i am thinking about you.Wow! So here I stand, among the digital masses. We’re not so different after all. Here I stand,surrounded by people who’ve met on-line, People who’ve loved and lost, and people who are found, and somehow, in a desperate world, found each other. So what do I say that hasn’t already been written, or been already said? Hmmm, pretty tough! Okay… try this: I no longer need to hope for love by going to clubs, (y’know I can’t dance!) supermarkets, church socials,by passing notes in class as a kid, or instant messages as an adult. I don’t have to search for love, in ads, on the internet, in chat rooms, text messages, camera phones, faxes, and e-mails. I don’t have to wait for good and bad feedback, have to need a good laugh, wait to talk, be told to shut up, look for hope, pray for a miracle, wait for an angel, see hope for God’s love here on earth, wish for a special friend, crave for love’s passion, envy other’s romance or wonder if someone will ever love me. Thanks for coming into my life Hugs and Kisses
    Since i first viewed your profile, i felt a great impulsion on me and ever since then i have been thinking about you , i thought you might be an end to my search or to say a realisation of my dreams because you are just what i am looking for and you know when i keep reading from you , i feel that is coming to be true and i pray and hope it does.I will go on the site and delete my profile because this is what i have been searching for the past 18 years and i would not trade this for the whole world , so i want to see where this go and being a one man woman , i will give this a total chance and i am sure it will take me to where i want . I hope you have done the same and delete your profile on the site to see where we go from here so we can concentrate on each other and see what we have for each other…When I was a little boy,I dreamed of that one person that I would share my dreams, happiness and energy with … I could not see her face but she was there. I always felt like she was out there, I just needed to feel her. I visualized the bond we would have and the courage she would give me to endure life’s obstacles.. All these years I was with others, and feeling my way through life, learning lessons that later on would prepare me to become the person that I am now. I have felt alone and sad. Then one day my eyes opened and I became that little boy again … realizing that she is here now. Here in my world was the woman that I had dreamed of and I’d hoped would not miss our meeting in life … That woman is you.”

    We’re half married, you see, after 2 email exchanges. Does it sound fake to everyone else? I’m going to give him a feeling message about not wanting an email-only relationship. That will tell me if he’s a scammer from Africa. I really wish I didn’t have to waste my time on this bullsh*t.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:13am

  89. 89: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Wow, that is big of you for being so kind, when it is YOUR advice that I disregarded. Thank you. You are very sweet. That is very forgiving and nonjudgmental of you. I feel deeply touched and tears are in my eyes.

    Yes, I definitely need to heal (false) condemnation and shame inside. It runs deep, for as long as I can remember.

    Bill said in his email that Anaira, who sits across the aisle, requested that I move my desk. I have been getting cool vibes from her, and I can sense there is something she doesn’t like (Kenny said, “Ok, so she’s a straight bitch! That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with YOU!” And I agree).

    So I am going to have to move my desk anyway. Since he’s clearly stepping back, wouldn’t it be stepping back for me, as in feminine waterwheel leaning back, for me to move to the other building?

    But thank you again…I DON’T need to be ashamed. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:18am

  90. 90: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Little bit different take on the “let’s just be friends” scenario here …

    I consider friendship to be the stable base of ALL of my relationships with men.

    Vegas Guy and I have agreed to “just be friends” about a dozen times now … it just never sticks, lol, and each time we decide it, our relationship actually moves forward instead … I contrast this to how I handled a similar situation 1.5 years ago, and I see now that all I needed to do in that situation was be “non reactive.” Instead of freaking out when the relationship “took a step backward,” I simply could have been unfazed, and very likely that relationship would have continued moving forward also …

    This has been an authentic shift for me, not something that can be “faked.” I truly feel neutral about it when we take a step back, and that’s what is allowing the relationship to stabilize and deepen …

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:21am

  91. 91: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Bren – It’s really hard ignoring the voices inside our heads, even when we know they don’t always act in our best interest. I understand this well.
    You move your desk. You don’t move your desk. It’s done before anyone comes in. It’s done in full view of all. Whatever. Just keep your head high.
    As for the other e-mail. First of all it’s filled with grammatical awfulness. And yes I would be wary of its content too.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:27am

  92. 92: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you! Not sure if you were saying that in reference to my friendship with Bill or in response to the lead post. In any case, I see what you are saying. Bill is the one who feels uncomfortable and awkward for our unspoken attraction to be (**gasp!!**) verbalized. Let HIM sit with HIS uncomfortable feelings.

    I admit, I was leaning forward to kick it into high gear, and I wish I hadn’t. But it is what it is. It could result in a deeper relationship if I go right back into lean back mode. My blunder was to move too fast, NOT in baby steps. Now that he tells me Anaira has an issue, maybe she told him I’m dozing at my desk or crying at my desk or doesn’t like it that he comes and chats with me almost every day and it distracts her. Who knows what she told him?

    I just need to quit wondering and worrying about what anyone thinks of me (even Daria! >;-P ) and just stay on my bridge and do what I know I should do as a leaning back woman.

    I feel tense and trying to relax about this.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:28am

  93. 93: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you! All right, I am going to get therapy in holding my head high by not moving my desk before they arrive. I will look Bill in the eye and ask him where he wants me to move my desk.

    I am reminding myself this is all therapy.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:30am

  94. 94: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Brenda, YES!!!

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:32am

  95. 95: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I am reposting this announcement about Erika offering a free teleclass with us for Holistic Belief Reprogramming, in case anyone missed it! She is targeting the weekend of Sept. 22-23. Please email me if you are participating when would be a good time for you, and what your time zone is. She is in Pacific Time Zone (the same as this blog).

    Also, feel free to email me anonymously if you don’t want anyone to know you are participating.


    You may remember that Erika said on Friday she has an idea of something she would like to do (for free). When I didn’t see anything more about it, I emailed her and asked. Here is her idea…

    She is open to doing an HBR call (probably 90 minutes) with the Sirens!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    She said we can do a general anger release and positive reframing of beliefs session … She doesn’t have time to organize a group, so I offered to do that. She is going to run a teleclass… She can take questions beforehand and answer them on the call … She can take a list of limiting beliefs and frustrations collected from the whole group and use that for tapping sequences.

    The basic idea is that this is an opportunity to check out HBR for free in a group teleclass. Everyone would tap along and benefit from the call. Erika’s suggestion for a topic is Clearing Anger and Limiting Beliefs About Men, but she’s open to other topics if there is a different consensus.

    I asked Rori about it, and this is what she said:

    “Hi Brenda, This is Rori – I’m totally fine with whatever you wish to do – I love EFT and the HBR that Erika has developed from it (I love and know Erika, too), and would be fine however you wanted to handle it…I assume it would be some kind of conference teleclass – and if you’ll let me know when it is, I’ll try and attend. I can’t help you organize – but you have my blessings to do whatever you’d like…feel free to put the link up somewhere in a comment….Love, Rori”

    We would need to do the call an evening or weekend Pacific time after Sept. 12.

    The next thing, if you want to do it, is to email me if will commit to join us on the call. After we have a cohesive group, I will provide details and set up the call itself. This week is extraordinarily busy for Erika, so she is leaving it entirely in my hands to recruit people.

    This is an exciting opportunity to discover new ideas towards being our best selves! So what do you think?? Please email me at mistywindfall@earthlink.net if you would like to participate!


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:37am

  96. 96: lmNo Gravatar says:

    my ex told me last night that he is ‘super-attracted to me because of my emotions’.

    i still feel bad around him and sort of scared of him, but it feels nice to hear.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:49am

  97. 97: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sweet Brenda – I am deeply saddened by the turn of events with Bill. The sirens have provided insightful and beautifully thoughtful advice – I can feel the caring for you.

    Now then, my take – DO NOT MOVE YOUR DESK!

    Ok now that I have yelled at you, phew.

    It may be symbolic. I believe there is a point in which the sinking into yourself and feeling confident can be played out by living confident. How is that for a mouthful. So, to me, moving the desk feels like a move generated by fear hiding itself in embarrasment. Tuesday, you have the opportunity to hold your head with pride. Keep you desk where it is, say good morning to Bill the way you usually do, follow the advice provided by the sirens. I don’t believe you will be “stuffing” your feelings if you do nothing – to me a conscious decision to be tactful and self-dignified is demonstrating self-confidence. Go about your work and continue to look for a job.

    I believe in you.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:58am

  98. 98: SandalwoodNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Brenda,

    I thought I’d chime in because your story reminds me of something I did once.

    This was 7 or 8 years ago in high school. Do you know the movie Adaptation? If not, it’s a movie with Nicholas Cage playing Charlie Kaufman, who is an overweight, neurotic, self-loathing (and also extremely famous) playwright who is trying to turn a book about plants into a movie.

    Anyway, there was this guy I had the most gigantic crush on who was also my friend. We were in the same program, so we were always in classes together. I liked artsy movies, and I knew he did too, so I wrote him an e-mail telling him that I liked him and that we should go see Adaptation because it sounded interesting. It was also a situation where I thought there was a chance he liked me back, but I wasn’t sure.

    He wrote back and said he couldn’t go see the movie because he hates Nicholas Cage! What a way to get rejected. Of course, we had to keep going to the same classes, and we were still friends for the rest of high school, even though I would have liked to be done with it.

    Naturally, I didn’t end up watching Adaptation right away because of all the negative associations. When I finally did, several years later, I found that there was the most awkward scene in the universe where Charlie Kaufman takes a blond female violinist friend out to the symphony and, after the date, he asks her if she wants to come inside, and it turns out that she had had no idea it was a date in the first place and that she finds the idea of going into his place profoundly off-putting.

    I guess it was at that moment that I became really thankful he didn’t take pity on me and watched the movie with me anyway.

    I hope this makes you feel better,


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 10:17am

  99. 99: lmNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i’ve worked with dudes that i’ve been involved with and this could be GREAT dignity practice! walk tall and get into your work. dress up every morning. smile and genuinely have a good time. it’s worked for me and i’ve been in some hella awkward situations.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 10:38am

  100. 100: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hey!! Knocksoftly!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! confetti, roses, champagne, and ummmmm…..well, let’s stay with cake, what flavor would you like and what IS the icing on the cake?!!! Very good to hear your voice and waving hello at you….Happy b-day song.

    @ Cinnamon – my advice is not based on the tools here, so I limit it…lol…in order not to get rotten tomatoes thrown. I have a lot of experience with men, Rori even encouraged me to write/start the blog, etc. so I think I have very valid points of view, but a different point than what is written. That said,
    YES YES YES …..if you want them you HAVE to let them know it is possible to catch you. I have been called “sophisticated,” since 6th grade…some kind of vibe I put off. I have tons of tools and tricks for success with guys that I’m gonna tie into my blog – the blog is Liveyourdreamblog.com and the website will be lifesdreamcreations.com. For now, tho, if you wanna write – I’m at houstonrelationshipsurvey@yahoo.com, and would like this chance to write out/solidify some of what my message is going to be.

    to Lucy, et. al., what I like about “tools” is there are different ones for everything! so, you can use a hammer and a nail, or a screw and a screwdriver…and I mean a tool for every little thing, literally, as new garage is almost built with a vast array of all kinds of who knew? tools…
    and that’s how I look at every tool here, something Rori’s given me that if it fits the situation I can use.

    Thanks, all!

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 10:59am

  101. 101: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Brenda – I want to say something no one else is saying and you will not like, but I said it the other day. For me, listening to you describe Bill and your interactions, and after 8 months of nothing outside of work….I believe he is an imaginary relationship for you, if he were willing to risk anything he would have stepped up, he was nice to write you back but very distancing and okay, hold your head high, etc. but he still mentioned moving your desk. I don’t know if he can make you do so, but if he could, and it were me – I’d do exactly what you originally thought. Get the h**** out of there, see if he walked to the other building to come to me. It would also avoid the pain of crossing paths with him daily, too.

    Yeah, for self esteem, but more importantly – VASTLY more importantly – yeah for success at our jobs!

    with love,

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 11:02am

  102. 102: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered reading that success at our jobs would be more important than our self esteem. I don”t feel successful at my joblike moneymaking enterprise and I feel vulnerable saying that… But… I just want to move away from that in my life and believing something could be more important than me and how I feel about myself….

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 11:09am

  103. 103: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Though being successful at a “job” is part of who we are as women, it has never been for me anywhere near the most important thing.
    Yes it feels good to make money. But it feels far better being able to help another being in pain.
    It feels the best of all allowing vulnerability, opening my heart, feeling it full, full of love and passion included.
    If I had to choose between a career and a beautiful relationship, the relationship would win hands down.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 11:16am

  104. 104: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel angry and attacked put down and judged about the… “even Daria” type of comments. I dint like vein stereotyped as a judger… It’s not getting by me that it’s a dig at me just cuz it’s said as a joke

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 11:26am

  105. 105: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I agree with Tinque and the others who are saying what she is saying. My two cents. :)

    Daria and Brenda, I feel bad seeing this little conflict. I wish I could just say a surrogate, “I’m sorry” to you, Daria, because I know that Brenda didn’t mean to hurt you and that she loves and respects you.

    I feel weird and scared jumping into something that is not my business.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 11:52am

  106. 106: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    hi again! I agree relationships are important, in fact I spent a good 30 minutes last night worrying Brenda would QUIT her job on faith!!! over this, so it’s not that I don’t care, I don’t agree, and you know – all sides of an issue can be somewhat valid, it’s for Brenda to decide if she wants to hear what she wants to hear, or hear someone else’s point of view – and it surely doesn’t mean I don’t care about Brenda, or I would not bother to post it.


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 12:42pm

  107. 107: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel the same way about my moose :)

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 12:54pm

  108. 108: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Brenda, let me add that we’d be aiming to have the teleclass on Sunday, Sept. 19. Brenda has done such a good job organizing that the class is already full, but we are still willing to take a few more Sirens on board just in case not everyone can join at the same time for the call … and because, well, the more the merrier! :)

    As we get closer to the date, we will be polling all the Sirens who are participating to get a sense of the “hot” themes in the moment, and that’s what we will focus on for the class. So please be sure to let Brenda know when you sign up what your “hot” issues are so we can tailor the class to what will be most helpful for everyone.

    Some suggested issues are: releasing anger and judgments about men, transforming limiting beliefs about men into empowering beliefs, feeling more fluid and natural with Rori’s tools and being a Diva, and so on …


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 1:17pm

  109. 109: beaNo Gravatar says:

    hey rori,

    thanks and thanks for expanding on your answer. still trying to breathe through all this and trying to focus on other things in my life, cding, working the ebook, etc. but it’s hard, as pat allen’s 8 week mark approaches, not to hope he’s missed me and calls. and yes, i’d have better boundaries next time with him or someone else.

    erika #88,

    i totally get where you’re coming from and i considered that but since he said he didn’t want to be romantic and sexual with me while i know i feel romantic and sexual towards him, i didn’t feel i could handle it. perhaps you’re stronger than i am but i certainly couldn’t handle hanging out with him both knowing that i couldn’t express how i feel in a way that was romantic or sexual and knowing that he would be dating and sleeping with other women. i’d be curious to hear your experiences with l.v. guy in regards to this.


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 2:39pm

  110. 110: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, post 88.

    Thank you for that very interesting perspective… I am starting to feel you are right, looking at my own “just friendship” that never remains just that. It’s just moving into a new cycle and I will try really hard to be non-reactive this time (not my nature, I have to say! Way too impatient!), and not freak out (too much)… It does get easier when you know he’s already changed his mind about it several times…

    Bea post 107:

    Having said all that, you’re right it feels like the pits… but if you don’t see him you can’t change his mind… And do you know for sure he’s sleeping with other women? Or are you just assuming that? (I’m asking because I used to assume that about mine… but in actual fact he’s just too freaked out by romantic sexual stuff per se, not just with me… and when he disappears into just friendship mode once more, he’s either with his kid or his mother or his friends, not out chasing other chicks… took a while for me to figure that out)
    I know the misery and I’m fighting it daily at the moment. But isn’t the point of this website that in principle we can get ANY man we want?!

    The question is this: Do you want a specific kind of relationship or do you want THAT SPECIFIC GUY?
    I want the guy. The specifics of the relationship can be worked out later. I’d rather have a crazy relationship with that specific man than a perfect one with anyone else. And if I don’t see him it’s never going to happen. And he’ll never get the benefit of all these new siren skills I’m acquiring…teehee…

    Let me know what you decide…

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:03pm

  111. 111: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t start having positive relationship experiences until i transformed my beliefs about men and relationships… it is no primarily about the man himself. That is secondary. Primarily it is about having a positive, good-feeling relationship. Of course I fall in love with the man himself, so that is a close second, but if he doesn’t do the job of relationship the way I need him to in order to feel good and safe, then him being an awesome person isn’t going to be a bandaid for that serious short-coming for very long.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:06pm

  112. 112: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah i ‘had to’ intially then chose to swich my view from desiring men to desiring a relationship

    that pulled men in, of course

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:17pm

  113. 113: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm… Dorothea… 109

    I get your point but I can’t say it’s true in my case. When my adventure with Monsieur Catastrophe started, I’d just come out of an 18 year marriage, and I wasn’t looking for ANY relationship. Actually I was planning to make up for my “lost youth” and shag as many cute guys as possible. Then MC and I became friends, then lovers… but we never had an exclusive contract (although in actual fact neither of us has slept with anyone else). We got very close, he ran away, we fell out for a while, he came back, we were friends again, then lovers… and somewhere along the line I realised I loved him…. and so it goes in cycles… but like in Erika’s example it does actually progress every time, like two steps forward, one step back… Whatever the connection is between us hasn’t been fully explored or resolved or anything… so I can’t think of it in terms of “this relationship isn’t 100% happy 100% of the time, so I’ll quit and find another guy”.

    It’s not about him being an awesome person. It’s about the connection. It’s about wanting to KNOW this person. I don’t need to be in any relationship at all. But I choose to continue seeing him because I want to know HIM.

    I’m sorry, all this is quite clear in my mind but it comes out all messy here. Do you know what I’m trying to say?

    What do you mean by “doing the job” in a relationship?

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:30pm

  114. 114: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria…115…

    You see, that’s the difference. I DON’T desire a relationship per se… I desire the man…I think he has trouble understanding that though, and automatically assumes because I love him I want to take away his freedom; and then the just friends bit kicks in. That’s why I’m on this site! To find a way to communicate to him that there’s nothing to be scared of…

    And I have already been married… that was mostly positive even if it didn’t last forever…but “forever” is such a long time.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:38pm

  115. 115: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I totally know what you’re trying to say! I don’t mean that it needs to be 100% happy all of the time…just that he needs to desire and pursue a relationship with me, because if he isn’t, then I am doing the chasing and pursuing and hoping and wishing and holding on and needing and clinging, which is not in my job description as goddess and siren. That is why it is not about the guy first and foremost. It is about his willingness to step up and pursue me. It doesn’t matter what our connection is or how wonderful and amazing he may be, if he’s not fulfilling this basic role then I must say NEXT!!! Doing the job includes pursuing a relationship with me, making me feel good, and moving us toward a stable situation that feels good for both of us, whether that’s consistent dating, if that’s what i want, or marriage.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 4:39pm

  116. 116: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hey everyone, I only have a minute but I saw these last posts and felt touched and inspired to respond …

    Dorothea, #114, yes yes, that so resonates with my experience too. Holding my vision first and foremost and changing my beliefs about men … changed everything.

    Bea #112:

    “erika #88,

    i totally get where you’re coming from and i considered that but since he said he didn’t want to be romantic and sexual with me while i know i feel romantic and sexual towards him, i didn’t feel i could handle it. perhaps you’re stronger than i am but i certainly couldn’t handle hanging out with him both knowing that i couldn’t express how i feel in a way that was romantic or sexual and knowing that he would be dating and sleeping with other women. i’d be curious to hear your experiences with l.v. guy in regards to this.”

    A year and a half ago with my last relationship I felt the same way, it’s only now that I got the emotional “charge” out of my body that got triggered by that whole situation (using my HBR system) that I can have similar things happen now and respond in a completely different way.

    Here’s the thing with VG. I never asked him to be exclusive. Mainly for my own reasons. My life is so full right now with quitting my job and transitioning into coaching full time and all the friends I’ve made in the community and finishing up my dream house … and then I remember the pain from making different choices with my ex … I simply decided very firmly that I don’t want to spend even one iota of emotional bandwidth worrying about what VG may or may not be doing with his free time. My philosophy was, “Until we are married, it’s his business, and I’m not going to worry about it.”

    The paradox of this attitude is this: if you saw my most recent blog article, he told me the other day he hasn’t been with any woman since he met me two months ago. He volunteered this, I didn’t ask. Because I sincerely don’t care. Not that I don’t care about him. I adore him. I think he’s the most solid man I’ve ever been involved with. It’s just that my emotional equilibrium is so high on the feelings scale now that I have an organic unwillingness to spend any time in things like jealousy or possessiveness that would not feel good. Does that resonate at all?

    As for how to get to this space, it took me a while. And after growing frustrated trying one modality after another without success, I finally developed my own holistic system of emotional release and belief system transformation, and that’s what finally freed me from having neediness and fear and outcome dependence with men.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:02pm

  117. 117: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello again Dorothea…

    yes that I do understand. And I am absolutely not going to be the one chasing him this time. I’m bored with it. Luckily he’s broken his phone so I can’t be tempted to call him (“You can call me on my mother’s phone”, he said, and I said, “OK” but thought “NO WAY!!”). Judging by the last meeting, though, it won’t be too long before he shows up and I can try out some more of Rori’s lovely tools on him. I was quite amazed how a couple of feeling messages changed his attitute halfway through our last meeting, so now I’m determined to siren him into oblivion!!!

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:06pm

  118. 118: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    erika, i love it. i never asked for exclusivity either, nor did i ask him to stop talking to all the other ladypotentials in his life. I did tell him it felt uncomfortable for me to know he was talking to other women, and he made the choice to zero in on me all on his own. Not demanding or asking for what I really want paradoxically gave me what I really want. It was my confidence to say something feels bad, and his observation that I am so confident in my feelings that if something doesn’t feel good, I might be outta there real quick, that inspired him to do this.

    i think my LI and VG are rather similar the more I read about VG. And I think we are going about the situation much the same way.


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:08pm

  119. 119: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i love your energy. i’m sure things are gonna work out great for you, and like you said, you’re getting bored, so even though this guy is amazing, if he doesn’t “do the job” then you’re going to end up yawning to death, and you’ll move on.

    Are you circular dating at all? Or circular dating yourself? I love doing either of those things because it keeps our vibe balanced, and creates a space for a man to feel compelled to fill.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:10pm

  120. 120: lmNo Gravatar says:

    dorothea – 118:

    awesome. this is awesome. i like to keep old bfs or flames in my life if i don’t feel like i need them. it’s always good to have a guy who likes you around, right?…but if it’s too fresh or too hard i have to cut them out completely. this last one was too hard and i said ‘i don’t want to be your friend. it would feel too bad. i still have feelings.’ and lo and behold, my life has taken an amazing turn for the better.

    AND now he keeps trying to get back with me.

    AND random, amazing men are super-into me, guys that are totally top notch – one owns a music studio and engineers all of my favourite band’s albums (i bought an album he produced when i was still in high school half-way across the country!!) and a really hot guitarist from another band (who is a little too much of a bad boy for me right now).

    and all i did was smile, drink some wine at a bar and have a good time.

    rori rocks!

    men really do fall out of the sky when you take a look at the clouds for a moment.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:13pm

  121. 121: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yes, rori has completely changed my life.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:15pm

  122. 122: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    A space for a man to feel compelled to fill… that makes me think of something entirely different….

    I can’t say I move in circles where people date much, circularly or otherwise. I live in France and I don’t actually think there’s a French word for dating. I hang out with people, friends and friends of friends, and of course there are guys and I’m a pretty attractive woman even if I do say so myself, so I generally get bought drinks and sometimes I flirt… is that circular dating? And to be honest sometimes I don’t go out, because I’m sick of guys trying to pick me up. If I found someone I wanted to shag, I’d do it. But looks like I’m pretty fussy…

    I’m actually generally quite BORED with men… Yawn again…

    And MC is not amazing… or perfect… although he is very beautiful… but he’s a contradictory, fascinating, somewhat tortured human being that touches my heart…

    I know, I know… pass the sickbag

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:27pm

  123. 123: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh, i spent some time in paris, and my organization’s webmaster lives there, and i understand what you say about there not being “dating” in france.

    i always got the impression that whatever “dating” was in france was inherently circular.

    Your english is better than any french person I’ve ever talked to, haha!

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:37pm

  124. 124: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    OK sirens… It’s 3am this side of the Atlantic and I’m signing off now… just to thank you, you’ve all cheered me up tremendously tonight… and I think I will sleep well tonight… I hope to speak to you all again soon.

    Love & kisses

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:39pm

  125. 125: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. Dorothea, I love you! You are so right about the French! Six degrees of separation my foot… here it’s more a case of three shags of separation, if that…
    Make sure you log on soon I’ll be looking out for you! By the way, I’m not French, I’m Austrian but spent half my life in England… like to think of myself as a citizen of the world…

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 5:44pm

  126. 126: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    I got fed up. I wrote this:

    It is now clear to me that you don’t enjoy my company and now, on top of that, I am afraid that you’ll yell or be rude to me. I can’t make you care and I can’t make you listen. If you want to mess it all up then it’s up to you, but don’t drag me down. I’m tired. I’m fed up with being polite and smiling and pleasant. Don’t tell me it’s all ok, or that there’s no problem, or that I shouldn’t worry about it. Don’t you even dare accuse me of being overly dramatic I don’t want a forced friendship where I can’t even speak my mind. I don’t want any uneven relationship where I hold no power and the terms are decided by someone else. If you want to be cruel and distant and unavailable, then don’t pretend you are anything else. Be that way, by yourself, to yourself. Don’t direct that bitterness to me. I am not willing to take it anymore. It hurts. It stresses me out. I’m not gaining anything from you and I’m not getting any good feeling about you. I’m done.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 9:50pm

  127. 127: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hello, Ms. Frenchkitty….love listening to you! and welcome, I’m Jacqueline and I am following along here..IM too….

    Ragnell, I really really like that!!! I am kind of developing a set of break up tools that are different than what is used here, and your message sounds exactly what I am telling my girls.

    I know it’s not feelings, etc. but it is powerful! It is clear, it is simple and any man alive should be able to hear it as long as you meant it completely truthfully. I’d love to talk to you more if you want to email – I’m at houstonrelationshipsurvey@yahoo.com. I want to work on developing this technique and so far, two women are using it with good results for themselves…no matter what the guy is or is not feeling/doing, it’s working for them and their “evolution,” for lack of a more coherent word.

    Night all….take care!


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 10:03pm

  128. 128: RagnellNo Gravatar says:


    Truth is, even though I do feel the way I have written, there is a part of me that hopes something romantic will magically happen between this guy and I. I feel foolish for believing this. I am telling myself that if it’s not feeling good RIGHT NOW it will not feel good in the future, no matter what kind of reaction I get from him. This imaginary relationship, the limit of being “just friends”, is tiresome and wearing me out. I could accept being friends if that was what was offered in the first place. I don’t want this silly and unfullfilling friendship as an unspoken substitute for the romance I want.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 10:16pm

  129. 129: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, I know!!! and that’s why I’m working on this – it’s what we all want. I know Rori says closure is way overrated, but I find women cannot seem to move on – we get stuck like the computer circle when it’s trying to come on, huh? that’s why I want to work on an idea I have that’s helping some people….but not here. You are having the same thoughts and feelings that most of us have when we can’t get the relationship we want! so you are not alone…if you want to talk more, email me. But I knew that underneath it there was this…it will depend on whether he knows it, too I guess – either which way, I hope you’ll keep me/us updated on the story, and for tonite? just let it go and get some rest, ‘kay?


    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 10:33pm

  130. 130: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    I hate surprises.
    Be surprised
    I don’t want to be surprised
    I want to know.
    I don’t like surprises
    Surprises are good
    Be surprised
    I feel confused
    Hey!you can’t just change your mind overnight!
    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    But what if you aren’t telling the truth
    What if you’re lying to yourself and you think you’re telling me the truth?
    What do you mean I was right? Huh!
    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    Do I smell Denmark …..
    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    I don’t want to be surprised
    I’ve never liked surprises…
    Let yes be your yes…..and make damn sure
    Your no is NO!
    Be surprised
    Be surprised
    I feel antsy
    I feel angry
    I like predictable
    Be surprised
    I don’t wanna be surprised!
    But you said you felt……….
    And now you’re saying……..?
    I don’t know how I feel….
    I feel like a wild animal..pacing….sniffing….waiting…pacing
    Be surprised…..
    I feel annoyed….
    How do I trust that……..that stupid 180?
    WTF was that…….you want to be with me?
    Are you sure…..because ……well…….I don’t like surprises.

    Monday, 6 September 2010 @ 11:55pm

  131. 131: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I apologize for saying your 180 is stupid….it’s just your 180…..even if I feel a little awkward witnessing your 180, it doesn’t make it stupid….it’s just yours. I accept your 180…and you.
    I still feel a little uncomfortable with surprises…..but
    That’s mine and I can own it.
    I love my hating surprises feelings.
    I love my hating feelings
    I love my annoyed feelings
    I love my paranoid I’m being tricked feelings…
    I love my WTF is this bs magic carpet ride crap feelings..
    I love these facing the echo feelings.
    I love my get me the f*ck out of groundhog day feelings.
    I love my staring down the mouth of the echo lion feelings
    I love my take it or leave it feelings
    I love my totally nonchalant about us feelings.
    I love my distrustful feelings…because no one knows what they want….I mean men don’t know…….feelings
    I love my fear of projecting my feelings feelings.
    I love my ef. U. Feelings.
    I love my my lonely scared feelings.I love my fear of always being a loner feelings….I find it hard to love my
    ” loaner” feelings….that feels really scary and a little exciting…. I love those anyway.
    I love my achy muscle feelings….
    I love my need to exercise feelings…
    I love my guilt for not exercising feelings…I love my wanting cookies feelings…
    And pickles….and celery in pickle juice…..and strawberries….and wanderlust ……
    I love all of my feelings…..and I love the ugly ones twice as much and three times as hard….because I just effin feel like it…..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:12am

  132. 132: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    All of my feelings are beautiful…….because it’s my Show! And I said so!!!

    Hello beautiful feelings….Behold…..I love you…

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:20am

  133. 133: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Love you too Nikita!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:21am

  134. 134: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Once again ladies on my post #20, I feel bloody ignored and unheard. Is that because I am not sooooo cool as Daria, riffing all over the place or as vulnerable as Brenda, letting all the whole world know who I am? Can you not just reply to the average Joe? Do we all have to be superstars to be heard?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 4:13am

  135. 135: RagnellNo Gravatar says:


    You mentioned the 4 agreements. Well, the first one is not to make assumptions, and not to take things personally.

    Be well.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:05am

  136. 136: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    To BarbinOz #20 & #137

    I hear you. Ooh , do I hear you:)
    I guess you have to be part of the crowd, an insider in order to be heard.

    I actually referred to what you wrote, but it took forever to be published. And I don’t have any answers, but I feel the same way about on-line dating. It’s really hard to get over the first few stages. I find that it is good sometimes to be a bit more flexible and make an effort to meet, even though the first phone impression may not have been so great. I feel that it is easy to over-interpret behaviour and make too much of things they say or don’t say. There may be a fantastic guy in there, but he is so nervous on the phone and wasn’t really himself. I would really love to hear some of the “experts” here though.
    Also, I think that blind dates are emotionally stressy and everybody has to know how much of it she can handle. The problem is I usually have too many at once or not enough. And then what? Date everybody just to practice? And can I really practice on a guy I don’t really like, when I’m not half as nervous as I would be if I did?


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:23am

  137. 137: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello, BarbinOz!

    That’s terrible nobody should feel ignored here… so I apologize for myself anyway! Maybe we are all just too wrapped up in our own crazy stories. That said, I don’t really know what to say to you. I’ve no experience of dating sites – don’t like the concept myself. Actually I don’t like the idea of turning looking for a man into a full-time occupation. In my experience guys always turn up just when you’re NOT looking for them. My problem seems to be how to handle them when they do!
    Having said that, my sister just married the love of her life… who she met speed dating, of all places. That seems quite simple and painless.
    What I would say to you though – if you get contacted by guys in their 30’s, why not give them a try? Have a wild fling if you can’t imagine anything long-term. At the very least it’s going to give your self esteem a boost and probably give you an erotic vibe that will attract the guys you really want. My auntie is 53 and always has a few men on the go at the same time. One of her lovers is 25.
    I can’t hang around on the blog right now, it’s 14.26 in France and I need to get some work done. But I’ll be back later and promise not to ignore you!!! And I find your story AT LEAST as interesting as the serial riffers…

    Love & kisses

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:29am

  138. 138: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I decided to do what Tinque suggested and just stay at my current desk until Bill tells me where to move. I came in at 7 am and spent an hour packing my desk and wiping all the drawers and surfaces down. It is all packed and on a cart, ready to go. All I have to do is pick up my bag after I put my laptop in it.

    I asked the lady across the aisle why she wanted me to move and she popped an attitude with me. She said you don’t belong here. Where is your assigned seat? I told her my supervisor said I could sit here. She said well I like it the way it was. I am used to being back here alone. She said it snobbily, and I can see she’s a straight bitch underneath all her pleasantries. I have never had anyone tell me to move my desk because they don’t like sitting next to me! She said I don’t want to fight with you! Stay if you want! I said I’m not fighting. I merely asked why you wanted me to move.

    Actually, I am happy. I felt bad vibes from her all along. She seems judgmental and is always looking over my shoulder. Bill isn’t here yet so I still don’t know where I’m going to sit.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:44am

  139. 139: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #107 – That was not said as a dig at all. I’m going to be real candid here. By nature, I am a people pleaser. I am learning to not be, but when I love and respect someone, as Lucy accurately stated I love and respect you, it matters to me what they think of me. I feel bad that you seem upset with me over this latest occurence with Bill. I feel embarrassed that I want your approval so much.

    I felt bad when you said me asking you to please be patient with you was a trigger. I didn’t say anything wrong. I am not the enemy. I like you and I love you.

    Is it possible that your limiting belief is that everyone is against you and out to attack you? I often feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you.

    BTW, on a light note, I got a kick out of your red stuff on your blog! I passed a car yesterday with a red kayak loaded sideways on a car roof. When I saw the bottom of the kayak, I thought of you and laughed like crazy! 😛

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:12am

  140. 140: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, that woman is mean – absolutely no person on the surface of earth should be treated that way. I am sending you a loving smile :-)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:18am

  141. 141: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    #100 – Thank you so much! What you said in combination with what Tinque said resonates most with me, and so that is what I’m doing.

    I really appreciate everyone’s support and advice, even if I did not do what you suggested. I feel so buoyed up coming to this Island, and you are beautiful ladies with so much insight and wisdom and compassion!


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:20am

  142. 142: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda…I feel so sad for you. Sometimes women can be nasty to other women…it’s like they can’t just vote for themselves..they have to UNVOTE for you. I hate that. Its childish. Disagreeing is one thing..nasty is another. I had a woman whom I shared a table with at a factory yell at me one time cause I was STARING at her. We worked on opposite sides of the table, that was the set up. See? Sometimes ya just can’t win for losing. And its not about you. Imaging how many NV’s she must have. EWWWWW………..
    Speaking of NV’s…mine are lingering again.
    I got new matches on eharmony…one guy looked interesting, good job, good pics, ACTUAL hobbies…so I leaned forward and started the get to know you process. And he promptly closed the match.
    Now I feel all rejected and stuff.
    Then I was reading a romance novel and the dude in there was fantastic (like all romance novels) and I got triggered by fantastic men.
    I kept thinking about B abandoning me…and then the NV’s started in about I’m the kind of woman that men abandon…they just leave. Then don’t feel protective, they dont’ feel connected, they dont’ feel like I’m a forever woman. They just skim over me.
    The only men who want me are men who can’t stand on thier own..who need financial support and emotional support to make it in the world, men who need mommies.
    Now I feel rotten.
    I asked the NV….how come I have to be the woman that men abandon? Why isnt’ it that B is the kind of guy who abandons women…any woman when the going gets sticky? How come its alwasy gotta be about me not being right somehow, or not enough or not ok, or not vunerable enough or not pretty enough or not interesting enough. How come?
    They didnt’ have anything to say about that.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:22am

  143. 143: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I felt shocked about her wanting me to move. I really didn’t enjoy sitting next to her because of the bad vibes. But that is high school stuff, saying, “I don’t want to sit next to YOU!”

    I have made friends with most of the people I sat next to elsewhere in the company (they moved me around a few times with various projects before I landed on this document project with Bill in Dec).

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:22am

  144. 144: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Barb on Oz – Greetings from the Great White North! Here are my insights on on-line-dating:

    – we human need a minimum of 3 sources of communication signals in order to understand a message – that would be any of the following in any combination: voice, sight, body language, tone, lilt, timber, content etc. as we need to gather the emotion or sentiment as well as the content. On-line communication is only 1 source of information – words on a screen
    – our brains then invent the rest because we need it to have understanding
    – the longer we spend on reading on-line messages from a potential suitor, the more we invent their personalities, looks, emotional state until we have created the most marvelous creatures on earth! magical!
    – keep in mind all people do this – that includes men :-)
    – the telephone gives a little bit more information – but again it is not as good as in person and unfortunately if we have never actually met the person, again the brain will invent qualities of the individual
    – if a person has incredibly well developed listening skills, they will be able to more accurately label the emotional messages that come across by telephone; others will just get a feeling – the vibe – and say “oh, I don’t know, it just didn’t feel right…”

    It is within this context that we are trying to actually meet people – and it is incredibly difficult! I like to think of it more this way. Remember when we were young and in school or at a school dance? We would walk into the room, do a scan, pick-up a vibe, and zero in on maybe one or two guys that tweak our interest? Then we would do all the “dance moves” to attract their attention and away we went. All was good! Well, remember, there were 100 guys in the room! Or 100 guys at the bar! we would pick a select few to hustle.

    Now we are on-line. It is the same thing only it takes a huge amount of time to scan 100 guys and select the one or 2 we want to hustle and there are HUGE barriers to actually meeting the guys because our brains have so happily gone on to base number 10 and added and invented all kinds of qualities these guys may or may not actually have.

    Among my friends – they tell me they met 40, 80, 140 men before they found their match.

    Wow was it ever easier back in the day!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:35am

  145. 145: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Barb in Oz – I am continuing ….

    – on eH the first time I was on the site – 2 years ago; I was matched with 400 men over the course of the year; was contacted by 1. Yes only 1!!!; I met him, we had a little fling.
    – on eH the 2nd time around – which is now, I have been matched already to 85 – I contacted 3; and have met 2 only last week (oh, heaven help me!…. but I did have a nice time and because I am not invested in the process, as a result of practice CD, the dates were quite lovely)
    – on POF – I cruised over a 2-year time frame; met about 20 men had a 2nd date with 2 men – one is still on my “list” and I refer to him here as Family Guy and most would say to walk away from him but I am no longer invested in the outcome and if he calls me for a date, I will see him again
    – I was on all the other sites as well and NOTHING fruitful.
    – Have done speed dating twice; laughed my head off; dated one guy once
    – joined a singles golf gang – have only met women and only played golf with the other women who also joined the group to guess what? meet men and have guess what? only met other women – LOL! But, did we ever have fun on Sunday…the golf course was so difficult we bought a bottle of wine on the 6th hole and laughed our way around the course for the rest of the game and I ended up finishing with a 86!! Like how did that happen!!!??? (It was an executive course so in reality my score would really be a 96 but that is still good!!)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:47am

  146. 146: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much Lizzie.
    That was some great insight. It’s a bit disillusioning, but actually encouraging to know that you can still meet Mr. Right after 100 blind dates…..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:48am

  147. 147: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you ladies for your replies, first let me say I was placed in moderation because I changed my avatar, soon changed back as I sat in limbo for 3 days…..

    Ragnall # 138

    Yes you are correct, don’t make assumptions, and don’t take things personally, but sometimes that is a bit hard to do when you feel like a voice in the wilderness and on the outer. So Touche, and thank you for even noticing what I said about The Four Agreements, so easy to understand but not always easy to live by.

    Ruth and Frenchkitty # 139 and 140

    Thank you for your replies, my God this dating thing is sooo hard to do the RR way, its made me look at things in a whole new way, before RR if I didn’t get a response I wasn’t bothered and believe me there have been many who have passed through (though no George Clooneys or Brad Pitts LOL) but now I am supposed to engage one and all they are all soooo remote and non-forthcoming well how the hell I am even supposed to START CD’ing??

    BRENDA BRENDA BRENDA, you did nothing WRONG except maybe be a little vulnerable and are probably feeling embarrassed, but what the hell, sit down, do your job and say nothing…..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:56am

  148. 148: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie #147 and 148

    thanks for the insights about online dating and for some GOOD laughs, OMG its so hard out there, if we didn’t laugh we would cry 😀

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:03am

  149. 149: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Rori: “You go from pain to pleasure.

    The length of the journey, the time you spend at each stop – that’s up to YOU”

    I love this as long as we are committed to moving beyond those “stops”…sometimes, we have to force ourselves to move on because we can become “stuck” in one place. Moving from one stop to the next in our journey from pain to pleasure can be a very beautiful process…but only if we continue to move and refuse to stay stuck in misery or anger or hurt or grief (whatever the stage)…only if we make every effort to keep moving.

    Thank you for this post…it was lovely.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:08am

  150. 150: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, I did reply to you but dont know what happened as it has disappeared??

    #147 and 148

    Thanks for some insights into online dating and even more THANKS for some laughs……..MY GOD it is soooo bloody hard to do and to keep interested and motivated……..wishing those arrows RR talks about would hit me all over the place……sigh….

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:14am

  151. 151: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz – I feel badly you have felt ignored. I did see your plea for help, and I was hoping some of the ladies here with internet dating experience would chime in since I have none.
    I met my man the old fashioned way, on a blind date where we discovered we had know each other ten years before. Actually he knew who I was all along once my identity was revealed to him.
    What I’m getting from you, and I apologize if I’m misinterpreting your words, is you seem to have a lot invested in finding your “the one” instead of just being open to whatever happens wherever, on the job, at the store, out and about, or on an actual date.
    Try just being curious. Be curious about who this person is in front of you whether it be a brief encounter in line at the bank or a long chit chat over dinner.
    Try putting aside any thoughts of whether this man could be “him” and simply enjoy him for what he has to offer in any given moment.
    I think Lizzie put it well in saying she goes in without investment. Her mind and probably her heart too remain open to possibility.
    Does this help?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:14am

  152. 152: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Nikita,

    I can relate to the mixed feelings about surprises … I noticed when I explored this that in my family growing up there was not ever pleasant surprises. Nothing was really celebrated, and I received gifts like a stapler for my birthday. My dad has never given me flowers in my entire life.

    So … I’ve been doing work on my belief system around this issue … creating new beliefs about surprises always being pleasant, wonderful, exciting, happy surprises …


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:15am

  153. 153: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Excuse me, I received a stapler and a three-hole punch, lol, and I think it was a significant birthday like sixteen. I do appreciate those gifts, still have them today, and yet there is a part of me that felt so horrified when I unwrapped them, and so sad about the lack of celebration and honoring (and fun) in my family.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:17am

  154. 154: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, ladies, are you ready for the drama of all drama on Siren Island.

    Bill is gay.

    I feel horrible and embarrassed and sad and disappointed and angry and shocked.

    He was VERY nice about the whole thing, and he said I can sit wherever I want to. He just took me over to the cafeteria for coffee, and he was so, so kind. He was doing most of the talking and asked me a couple times, “Is there anything you want to ask? Anything you want to discuss?”

    Everything in me wanted to shake him and say, “WHAT’S A HANDSOME HUNK LIKE YOU DOING WASTING YOURSELF ON BEING GAY????”

    But I said, “My mind is going 100 mph right now. I really can’t think of anything to say.”

    So we talked about life at our company, and he made me feel totally at ease. He was so considerate and gosh, I like him more than ever for being such a sweetheart. But I have a new gay friend.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:18am

  155. 155: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Looking back, I suppose my mother was terrified of joy, terrified of having, terrified of femininity or fun or frivolity … she felt undeserving, and she passed her undeserving beliefs right on to me … fortunately, I now have a reliable way to rewrite the past :)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:20am

  156. 156: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    O.K., Lizzie and BarbinOZ, everybody… now I am even more insecure about the question I asked before and I really want to know how others handle this: Should I date even though I am sure the guy isn’t for me? I mean, should I just date anyone I can get a date with (from dating site,)? Is that what practising is all about?

    Brenda, I don’t know you and I haven’t read the whole story, but it seems this really gets to you. How about after work you go and do something for yourself, spoil yourself, treat yourself to something you really like, that will make you remember that you are a great and beautiful person, which is really the only thing that matters.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:23am

  157. 157: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Barb in Oz – I am continuing….

    While keeping some perspective, I am the same age as you – 53; men love my hair; just about fall over when they see that I really do look like my photo; I am open, engaging, etc etc. So, much like you. My barriers are all about how much I work and my kids who are still quite young and they are a bit special and one has special needs that can be quite difficult to work with. This has stopped two potential relationships.

    Interestingly, I don’t generally get to a second date and this is generally OK with me as I have usually felt a poor fit fairly quickly – like no vibe whatsoever with the 2 last week. Although I had wonderful vibe from Family Guy and the one golf buddy I met last summer. So, I do know it is possible!

    I have discovered a few things about myself as a result of all this –
    – intellectual horsepower is important to me
    – they have to be taller than me
    – I must feel that they want me and
    – I must feel good when I am with them

    Pretty simple!

    I am giving very real consideration to using a service now. Because:
    – ALL the men I have met online are quite severely introverted and I find that quite frustrating as they don’t seem to be able to extrovert quite enough to step-up; follow-up; make the contact; have anything interesting to say about their life on a date….Their mother’s just didn’t teach them quite enough social skills to carry the date. I find this almost funny because one of the things I do in my real life is teach aspiring leaders how to do social interactions – and I quite love my engineers, scientists, introverts…
    – even the two men that I have had some little bit of a relationship from my on-line experience are introverts
    – don’t get me wrong – I love introverts and probably understand them better than many people do; that doesn’t negate the need for some social skills.
    – many many many of the guys I had thought might have some possibility from on-line, simply will not meet me. I find this astounding. My sister and two good friends find the same thing. We get their private email address or phone numbers and never hear from them again. I am now thinking it has to do with the invented person syndrome combined with the introverted nature of the man and it just becomes too scary to meet the real person.
    – my men friends tell me, the men on free sites lie. I am not so sure I agree. They tell me, they are all much older than they say (I have seen this about 10% of the time), they are much shorter than they say (I have seen this in 95% of the cases), they are still married (I met a few married men – one of whom I did see for 6 months and we had a great time then he went all drama on me!)
    – I give free advice to the cutie young 25 year olds that hussle me LOL! but I am not interested
    – surprisingly (only because so many people have said the opposite) NOT EVEN ONCE have I had a man say to me that he is looking for a younger woman – my experience is that the 50-year old guys are looking for 50 year old gals – they really don’t want the drama that goes with the younger women

    So in the end, there are a TON of men out there. How we find them is a mystery. I think like Rori says, we need to really be out there and use all the sources. It can be really disheartening and exciting at the same time. I have payed a lot of attention to the tips on this blog over the summer and for the first time since my divorce 6 years ago, I feel ready to actually meet someone I could call a boyfriend. So lets see what happens this fall.

    I hope my perspective and experience has helped you with your own reflections.

    Do you have “Just Lunch” in OZ? I am thinking I might try that but it is a bit pricy for me at the moment. It will be my next step – I am not quite ready to shell out the 10K for a dating service (my kids would have to be graduated from university, I would have had my trip around the world and bought a house before I would do that).

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:25am

  158. 158: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:


    “now I am even more insecure about the question I asked before and I really want to know how others handle this: Should I date even though I am sure the guy isn’t for me? I mean, should I just date anyone I can get a date with (from dating site,)? Is that what practising is all about?”

    I only have a minute right now and … yes … the idea is to date just about anyone. And personally, I would do this alongside reading Debbie Ford’s book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (which Rori recommended to me years ago) … so that instead of lapsing into a temptation to judge men as “not good enough” for us, we instead are learning from each date more about our Shadow side … and healing.

    With CD, it really helped me to *stop* putting all kinds of romantic expectations on my connections. Especially after I became a healer, this became much easier. When I connected with a man, and it became obvious right away there was not going to be a romantic connection, I still saw value in connecting because I knew both of us would get a healing benefit from the exchange. This eliminated any possible “guilt.” Also … you never know how someone may figure in your life down the road. He may become a friend, he may connect you to other people, he may be a good match for one of your friends …

    The idea is to be open … both emotionally … and from my perspective, open to the possibilities instead of seeing the world through a really narrow “he has to fit my romantic ideal” lens.

    The idea is to learn to love EVERYONE because that’s how we learn to love ourselves wholly, and it’s when we love ourselves wholly that Mr. Right shows up :)

    – Erika

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:36am

  159. 159: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth: I don’t know what the “right” answer is to your question, but for me personally and based on my history, just so you know…I cannot bring myself to date someone I know from the start I’m not interested in. I can talk to them, email with them, etc (ie practice via email, phone, instant messaging, etc) and if something changes and I do start to feel an attraction, then I’m not opposed to changing my mind, but I could never date someone just to be dating nor could I (in good conscience) date a man I know I’m not attracted to at all.

    But…dating myself while I am open to meeting men I’m attracted to…talking to and smiling at men I’m not attracted to…making new friends (even if I’m not attracted to them)…yeah…I can do all that.

    Hope that helps…

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:39am

  160. 160: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Erica, I think we had the same parents….

    Brenda! OMG!!! OK now, please do not marry him! I was married to a gay guy – doesn’t work. But I tell you – you have the opportunity of a lifetime…he can coach you on relationship stuff like you wouldn’t believe. Gay men are awesome friends.

    Ruth, date everyone!

    OK work now…I am off.
    Brenda, I am still laughing…

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:39am

  161. 161: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Yeah, that’s a great idea! Maybe after this attraction thing blows over, he will be my dating coach! Oh Lord, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…I am truly a soup of emotions, and I feel like doing both! :-) :-(

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:51am

  162. 162: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Erika’s addicted to Siren Island! :-)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:51am

  163. 163: lmNo Gravatar says:

    Erika – 154:

    this is the SAME with my family. they forgot to order my graduation photos, so i have none. i got totally weird gifts too. my mum always seemed really pressured to do nice things or give to us, like she ‘had to’ and they were a source of stress. i sort of shudder to think about that. it’s funny, as they’ve gotten older my parents have become much more kind and giving, but it’s a hard thing to grow up with.

    and i always seem to attract men when don’t give presents or compliments…i wonder now if it’s ME in someway, like i have a belief i don’t need them or just don’t get them.

    wow. can of worms here! :-)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:52am

  164. 164: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t help but laff about calling Bill a “bitch”! Now I feel like razzing the hell out of him and calling him a bitch again! But I won’t! :-) He truly is one of my all-time favorite coworkers! I feel sad that he isn’t available.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:53am

  165. 165: lmNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, just caught up with the bill stuff…omg.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:54am

  166. 166: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, thank you, you all helped.

    This is what I’ll do: I will date as much as I can handle – emotionally and time-wise – no matter if I think the guy is “for me” or not. And I will do so with as little as possible expectations, no analysing, just feeling how they make me feel.

    Erica, my mom is totally like that. It feels like I have to learn to love the whole fun-side of being feminine and not be ashamed of it. It’s a constant struggle.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:55am

  167. 167: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    lm – I too had non-verbal parents, no compliments (quite the opposite) little if any support emotionally or otherwise. I too attracted men with qualities such as these.
    When I learned to let go of my expectations, when I learned to hear the words in the actions, not only did I not “need” them so much, they started to show up on their own.
    As for the support part, I had to learn to find this within and through other sources. It’s not that he doesn’t support my dreams and visions. It’s more that he doesn’t know how to express this in words I can hear, so I hear what is there (again more through action) and get the rest elsewhere. Women are much better at this usually ergo, girlfriends.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:59am

  168. 168: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I hope you don’t mind me bringing this up, but do you think Bill (and the past 8 months with him) can help you learn about yourself a little? What I mean is…you felt a very strong attraction and with everything in you, you were sure he felt it too. Do you think, looking back (or even talking to Bill about it), you can learn to see where your feelings of attraction are crossed with feelings of friendship coming from someone else?

    I think this could help for future relationships of yours. What I mean is, if your situation with Bill could help you learn to take a step back and rather than see all attention from men as romantic and straight out of a movie (and I mean where your imagination takes you…not where you really believe it was) then it would help you to slow down…give a relationship time to do whatever its going to do…and not invest your heart into someone who is unavailable for whatever reason?

    Just my thoughts…

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:59am

  169. 169: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you! Yes, definitely. I never said this directly on the blog, but early on in the friendship, I wondered if he was gay. But as time went by, he seemed very masculine energy to me. It’s really weird, and I will definitely be going through various scenarios in my mind and exploring them in light of this discovery.

    I guess he was just spending time at my desk almost every day to help me feel more connected, after I had candidly shared with him I hardly ever spoke with anyone at the old building, and I was really flat-lining mentally with the repetition of my job.

    He seemed surprised I didn’t know. He said he thought someone in the department would have mentioned it in passing, because he is open about being gay.

    One thing I feel happy about is he was so kind about this and now I have a good friend. And, I value friendship.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:19am

  170. 170: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I wish he hadn’t told me “I live alone”. That seemed like the equivalent of saying, “I’m available and single, in case there was any doubt.”

    But this morning he told me he has been on and off with his partner for 10 years, and he mentioned that during one of the many times he flew off the handle and moved out.

    It meant a lot when he started our conversation by saying, “I’ve always enjoyed working with you!” I said the same back to him.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:21am

  171. 171: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    (okay, I’m lurking a little bit)…

    Brenda – girlfriend – you KNEW Bill was gay months ago! You had the intuition – and you were right.

    From my perspective, you ignored that intuition and decided that you wanted him anyway.

    I’m not trying to be harsh, just a mirror – to remind you that you’ve KNOWN what his situation is all along.

    To me, this is a glorious celebration of your Siren-ness. You intuited almost immediately that he was unavailable to you months ago when he first came into the picture.

    Now maybe you can trust that intuition for the next guy and the next and not let your head lead you where you heart doesn’t want to go.

    Yay Brenda! Erika was talking about celebrating – I think you should celebrate this awareness!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:25am

  172. 172: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #145 – Thank you! I was just reading your post when Bill came by and got me for a coffee break. Yes, it was totally her stuff. Like I told Bill, I have never had anyone do that to me at a job. There was only one time when I had a share a tiny cubicle with another woman, and she didn’t like me. But again, that was her stuff. She seemed disgusted having to share a cube with me, having not so much as a science degree, while she was a PhD. I was glad when she left the company.

    But anyway, Bill told me this isn’t the first time she’s complained about who she sits with. She has had run-ins with a few employees, and he said he doesn’t think she would be so persnickety if management showed her more appreciation.

    He said it’s better to not sit across from someone like that anyway, because if they don’t like you, they can try to create trouble for you.

    I told him I had had that exact thought, because I felt bad vibes from her all along.

    Ha! So here’s the next question! Do I lean back with my gay friend? I guess I could for practice. But maybe no need now, huh? What do you all think?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:31am

  173. 173: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks for lurking! LOL! I miss you on here! Well I just didn’t KNOW. I wondered. Early on, I had asked the administrative assistant of the department if he was single. She said enthusiastically, “Yeah! And he’s a great guy!” Apparently she didn’t know.

    I noticed he pursed his lips, but you gotta understand he’s a large-boned, masculine looking man. The ONLY hint I got other than lip-pursing is one day we (Bill, Matt, and I) were joking about him renting a backhoe to finish digging his French drain. Matt said, “So you’re hiring a ho?”

    We all started laffing, and then Matt said, “What will Peter think of that?”

    Bill muttered, “He wouldn’t like it.”

    I said, “Who’s Peter?”

    Bill said, “A friend.”

    Other than that, all he seemed to be doing was flirting and spending time with me, etc. etc. I ought to find the post I made a few months ago when I pondered it. I didn’t mention his name. I just asked how do you know if a man is gay.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:42am

  174. 174: masculinewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda,

    I have followed the drama with Bill. I have to admit that I felt you were a little over the top in your excitement about him. Writing this I feel my bitchy critical voice and tingling in my body. Seems I get a high from being critical. Thanks for helping me to find this out about myself. Just to let you know I have a gay friend who I accidentally got very close to because I listened to him at Level II unintentionally and reflected back to him what I thought he was feeling. This caused him to come completely close to me, speak his disclaimer that he was anal, which I did not comment on. As we got closer he would always hold me hand and try to touch me which I did not stop because I was totally leaned back unconsciously as I was dating someone else. He told me “I am going to marry you” which I did not respond to either and we have been close friends since then. I think he feels more understood by me than the others in our mutual circle of friends. The message to me in learning about myself and relationships is that I can attract unavailable men, the leaning back can work with any man and it has caused my self-esteem to skyrocket knowing that I can attract unavailable men to that extent. It has also helped me to feel like a rock star CDating as he has showed me I can improve my relationship skills and test them without feeling threatened or overwhelmed by someone who is coming too hard at me because I do not view him as a threat. As a matter of fact I have rejected him but still stayed conencted when he wanted to. For me it has created an open space of freedom.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:47am

  175. 175: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Mascluline Woman,

    thank you for sharing that. I hope my friendship with Bill grows. I feel good that we trust each other. He is one of the best allies I’ve ever had at a job.

    As for me being over the top with my excitement, I have had few real romances, shockingly few considering I am 46. I think in some ways my emotional self is like a 16 year old. In many ways, Ryan last year was my first love. So many of my “firsts” were with him.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:54am

  176. 176: RagnellNo Gravatar says:


    I can relate to what you are saying. I dated a guy I was not very interested in. It was an interesting experience, but I was not exactly thrilled. However, I did learn a thing or two from him. So even though it didn’t work out between us, and a second date is unlikely, going out was helpful because it gave both of us a better idea of what we wanted.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:56am

  177. 177: masculinewomanNo Gravatar says:


    Trust me some of my story is very similar to yours just that I am 49 and never been married but have 2 children. I am learning about myself and the world of relationships now. I am committed to being married and recently told the main man I have been dating since Jan 2009. He told me he only wants to be friends but after disconnecting from him for a month he now calls me his “boo” and “booboo”. Don’t know what that mean but I am trying to remain as lean back as I can because it is not something I do well with guys I am so attracted to.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:58am

  178. 178: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhhh brenda. lol. lolololol. so he likes penis, eh? good for him, something you have in common. hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.

    i’ve had crushes on gay guys too without knowing for sure that they were gay.

    and i also attract romantic attention from men with gayish mannerisms.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:59am

  179. 179: KathNo Gravatar says:

    Help me Ladies!!
    I told the guy that it wasn’t working between us (again!) and that it would never work because he will never process his baggage and face up to his shit- He doesn’t want to move out- says we can be friends etc etc- still wants to hang out together and now has told me that he really loves me and wants to be with me- but he spent all of yesterday talking about his x-wife and the horrendous marriage they had (which ended four years ago) I met him 2 and a half years ago and he still has a lot of stuff to say about the marriage- because it boils down to how he really thinks he was totally in love with her even though I think they were the most dysfunctional couple I’ve ever heard of!- I feel as though I’ve heard enough and think he should just go and sort his shit out- but I can’t seem to get my views across to him and although I love him I am really not convinced there is any kind of future for us- It all feels really difficult and like I’m living from one day to the next- am stuck!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:09am

  180. 180: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    wow, thank everyone for opening up about their parents.

    it is hard, isn’t it…we can’t choose our parents. and a lot of the time, our parents don’t do much to choose us.

    Hugs to everyone.

    Hugs to myself.

    My father was never around, and my mother eventually grew sick of me when I was in high school, so I emancipated at a young age and have been completely on my own ever since. My mother is the black sheep of the family, so the family always saw me as an extension of her, and offered me no support whatsoever. no birthday calls, no christmas presents, no cards, nothing. at 21 i realized i had absolutely nothing going for me and no one to lean on, so i put myself through college. now i am applying for graduate school, and my uncle is finally warming up to me, realizing that i am a hard worker and an intelligent girl. he just payed for my 1500 dollar GRE prep class. I have really mixed feelings about receiving his support at this point, but I AM taking it:)

    My mother does not want to speak with me. This has nothing to do with me and it never did. She cannot stand the reflection she sees in our relationship. The reflection of me being a teenager paying the household bills because she simply doesn’t feel like working. The reflection of my disapproval and hurt that she told me she was dying of cancer when she wasn’t physically ill at all. The reflection that my life is so lonely and hard because she cannot muster the scruples to be an honest woman. The reflection of a 9 year old little Dorothea being told by her mother that her mother is going to kill herself because Dorothea doesn’t love her, as she held a blade to her wrist.

    I’m not sure how my mother can possibly stand it. Well, she can’t, so she avoids it.

    I believe that my mother is on drugs now. At my college graduation last year she looked like she was on drugs, and booked out of there as soon as the ceremony was over She didn’t want to go to dinner. She just wanted to leave, and fast. She may die very prematurely, and it may be soon.

    I am feeling really grateful that her siblings are taking an interest in relationships with me. I am going to need this when she passes on.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:09am

  181. 181: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    kath, tell him to get the f*ck out. he needs to understand that his living there is detrimental to your well being right now, and that if he moves out, it doesn’t mean everything ever has to end. that he still has the option of contacting you and dating you, if it feels good to you, but holding on for dear life and forcing himself on your life by staying there in the home with you isn’t going to make you feel better.

    i feel triggered. reminds me of the last guy i seriously dated. he was so gung ho about me storing my stuff in his shed while i was looking for an apartment and traveling around Europe, and me living there with him, that I eventually realized it was his way of forcing me to stay in a relationship with him. I called him out on it and I was right.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:13am

  182. 182: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You nut! LOL! I remember one past gay friend I had saying, “I’m strictly dickly.” Part of me still wants to laugh and part of me still wants to cry. I feel relief that I know now, that I won’t keep going on and on holding this attraction in my heart. And please excuse me if I’m repeating myself. I’m really stirred up emotionally right now.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:21am

  183. 183: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel sad about how you were raised.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:27am

  184. 184: lmNo Gravatar says:


    wow. you’ve been through a lot. it makes me feel sad that kids can’t control their environments or how they are treated.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:30am

  185. 185: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Kath – I’m with Dorothea on this.. and I think many of us have found ourselves in this situation at one time or another, and I’m so sorry it’s happening to you…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:48am

  186. 186: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    It is possible that Bill is just telling me he is gay so I don’t feel the pressure on the job. What if he is just saying that?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:58am

  187. 187: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz – I feel realy angry having my name used that way. FYI 90% of my questions go unanswered.

    FYDOUBLE I – sometimes I don’t answer post because I feel uninsipired, or turned off, or the poster is asking things that are missing the mark:

    ie… how to get this ONE man instead of how to get to a great relationship.

    or how to best overfunction

    i don’t feel obligated to answer all posts and I feel angry to hear the blog attacked when someone doesn’t have an answer – especially attacked using my name

    French Kitty – actually i felt really angry when I heard you say you like her post AT LEAST as much as the riffs.

    I mean, why the emphasis on AT LEAST. I feel dissed.




    I FEEL SO ANGRY omg. I love my feelings. I feel bad . I feel dissed and picked out and taken for granted.

    i feel so furious i feel like beating you up for real. omg.

    i feel amazed by how furious i feel.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:02am

  188. 188: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    knock it off girl

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:05am

  189. 189: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel unheard. I felt dissed. I don’t like my name used in the way it was used. That to me feels disrespectful.

    I feel sad that you are confused about my trigger about “please be patient” . I don’t like to be told/asked what to do. I am being patient as part of my practice and I felt unseen.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:07am

  190. 190: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: “It is possible that Bill is just telling me he is gay so I don’t feel the pressure on the job. What if he is just saying that?”

    No. He’s not just saying that. Trust me. He’s not. He’s interested in Peter. or some new guy. He’s not pretending to be gay so you’ll be comfortable at work. He’s not. I promise you.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:13am

  191. 191: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You said, “FYI 90% of my questions go unanswered.”

    Many times I want to comment on your posts or questions and I feel scared.

    If I am telling you my intention was not at all disrespect, can you accept that? Can you believe that? You are so unique! You are an enigma! I love you! I respect you!! Do you get that??

    If, by nature, I am looking for your approval, why would I diss you?? I am trying to NOT look for your approval, because that is not healthy relational behavior. But you wouldn’t believe how happy I feel when you and I are getting along!

    I think you’re super funny, and I think you’re a bitch, and I love the bitch out of ya! For real! I love the bitchy side of you! You da bomb! I would seriously love to meet you!

    How do you feel about that?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:14am

  192. 192: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL! Thanks Dorothea and Mercedes for keeping me grounded. LOL! I feel embarrassed that my people reading skills let me down that badly.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:17am

  193. 193: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really afraid of being unheard. I feel overwhelmed by all the negative comments about me or related to me…

    im feeling sinky in my heart

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:30am

  194. 194: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel unheard. I did not feel respected when my name was used that way – I don’t want it used to characterize me in a way that doesn’t feel good.

    I don’t appreciate being made out to be a hostile figure.

    I feel tightened up and angry.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:32am

  195. 195: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I know what I just said was on the edge, but for real, it was said in pure love. And, I feel your love. I feel your care. I admire you for working so hard on your self-awareness and self-evolution. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you are a role model to me in many ways.

    You yourself talk about releasing the inner bitch. Not sure if that’s how you worded it, but it’s healthy, right? It is!

    Daria, I love you and respect you.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:34am

  196. 196: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really pist off and unseen. I feel like seriously phyisically attacking the person I see saying that to me.

    I feel so furious.

    I do not want to be pigeonholed or labeled, or publicly declared to be a certain way that doesn’t feel good to me.

    I feel unsafe with this approval thingy, because the other side of the coin is taking digs at me – I see htis pattern with my girlfriend in my life.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:35am

  197. 197: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    She will kiss my ass, and then when shes’ drunk, or something , or gets a chance, she takes subtle digs at me. then if i point it out shes like oh no no no daria i wouldnt do that. but she does. i feel so mad. i feel mistrustful of her. i feel furious. i feel numb.

    i love my feelings. i don;t feel safe around people with low self esteem because i hahve seen thhis pattern in several people that way…

    i guess its kinda like borderline , now you are GREAT on a pedestal, oh now you are NOT now you are the big bad wolf,

    i don’t feel seen or loved or respected.

    i love my self. anyway. i commit to loving myself and expressing myself.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:38am

  198. 198: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: I like that you’re practicing baby steps with all you’ve learned here, but I think you really need to focus on one and only one baby step right now and that is of totally and completely leaning back.

    You felt attraction with Bill and with the married guy you speak of from above, but neither of those two men verbalized those feelings to you. Let the guy go first. Don’t assume he’s attracted. Lean back and if he TELLS you he’s attracted or takes you on dates (real ones…not group ones) or buys you presents…then you can trust your instincts and let him in further.

    But…I suggest…until people (both men and women) come out and specifically tell you what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling about you…I would love to see you just lean back and do your own thing.

    You are very, very worried about making mistakes socially and because of that, you pour your story out to others. You sort of give them a jump start on why you are the way you are. You tell them about all your “flaws” before they get a chance to decide for themselves who they think you are. You put yourself down before people (even a lot of us here) have a chance to get to know you through OUR eyes. You tell us everything that is “wrong” with you and you don’t let us discover you…the real you…without the past. You tell us what your own nasty voices tell you. That’s not fair to you, to us, to men or to other women in your life.

    How about you try staying open but leaning back? Can you do a 60 day experiment where you tell not one single soul not one single thing about your life growing up or your adult life so far? What if you focused ONLY on talking to people about themselves or about curent events or about your passions or your dreams and you let the past be silent? Could you do that?

    Could you let someone…everyone…anyone…get to know you as you are today instead of as you want them to get past? Personally, I would never have to “get past” your past to actually like you if you didn’t make me do that. If you keep the past where it is until and unless someone already intimately knows and cares for you and wants to reach into that time with you…well….a lot more people are going to love you just the way you are..and you’re going to have to do a LOT less assuming men are attracted to you. They will be…and when that happens, they will tell you…

    Anyway…I’ve been thinking about you.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:39am

  199. 199: ReadyNo Gravatar says:


    I am new to this topic, but I feel very concerned about your interaction with this man, Bill.

    When a man does not ask you out, it is because he is not interested in taking it further. When a man tells you he is gay, he is not interested in taking it further (even if he is not). When a man tells you not to contact him anymore (he made it clear that he only wants to talk at work, and maybe not then).

    This man is putting up boundary after boundary, and you are breaking them in your need for validation. That must be hard for him. I am concerned that you think he had intention towards you, but in reality, he was just being nice.

    The actions that I am observing from your posts are of someone who is unable to control themselves, even if it is detrimental to themselves.

    You kept contacting this man, when he had shown you with his actions AND his words that he is not interested.

    Why would you go after a man who is or says he is gay?????

    You have to be careful here, if he feels threatened, you could get fired.

    Please work on your internal sense of self, and just stay away from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:39am

  200. 200: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Frankly, I could breathe and you’d be triggered. When I bend over backward to get along with someone and they are angry at me no matter what, there comes a point when I give up.

    I know you are not hostile. I know you are very loving. But I think we both come from backgrounds of a lot of emotional abuse. I think we both struggle with anger.

    I am not the enemy. I love you. I know you care about the ladies on here. That comes through, even when you are harshing on them (me). But I feel exasperated. It seems like anything I say to you is taken as an attack.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:40am

  201. 201: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I feel unheard. I feel mistrustful of your words. I feel concerned about this… I do not want my name used to characterize some big bad judgemental force. I feel angry not hearing anything said about that..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:40am

  202. 202: ReadyNo Gravatar says:


    I agree with you.


    You seem to be addicted to control. Control of other people and their perceptions of you. You can’t control anyone but yourself. I am deeply concerned that you are unable to control yourself and could put your job, and emotional state in jeaopardy.

    You are responsible for yourself. If this man was acting interested for 8 months, but did nothing, there is a reason. The reason does not matter, what matters is you stay away from people who don’t make you feel good about yourself.

    No one can make you feel anything, and if you are having issues keeping up your self esteem with someone, it is a huge red flag! You are responsible for you.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:44am

  203. 203: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You talked in the “Happiness and Love” thread about releasing your anger and not worrying about how people perceive you. I am following your lead, girl.

    I am telling you what I really think and feel. Is it possible that parts of you annoy me and yet I see you are in process and I love you and accept you exactly the way you are? Yes! I don’t agree with every word you write! Of course I don’t. You don’t agree with every word I write. But that doesn’t mean I am being fake.

    I cannot speak for your friend who gets drunk and makes digs at you. But I can speak for myself. I have corresponded with people in prison for 21 years. I have been friends with murderers, drug dealers, and even a rapist. Do I think it’s hunky dory that they did those things? Hell no! But I love them and respect them and accept them the way they are. I take the meat and leave the bones. I take the fruit and leave the seeds.

    Face it, you express a whole lot of anger on here. Is it ok for you to say that but not ok for me to say that?

    Yet through your anger, I see beautiful growth in you, and if I were being fake I wouldn’t be on this blog baring my soul day after day, would I? Do I strike you as a fake kind of person?

    I love you and accept you exactly the way you are, and smile when I think of you. Red vulva! 😛

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:46am

  204. 204: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You said, “you really need to focus on one and only one baby step right now and that is of totally and completely leaning back.”

    Yes, you’re right…thank you! I really appreciate your feedback! How bout talking about my future? :-)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:49am

  205. 205: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel upset! i feel like throwing a tantrum, pouting and crying and sitting on my button on the floor! i don’t feel the drive to get it started tho!



    ]i love my whiny tantrum helpless feelings!

    i love my feelings . i love my frustration and angre feelingss

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:49am

  206. 206: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i love my sadness

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:49am

  207. 207: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I appreciate your feedback, and I will think about all that. He just told me this morning he is gay. I just found out. I am processing it. I only leaned forward one time, and that was Friday. I’ve been doing a good job leaning back, for the most part.

    Now that I leaned forward, I got the answer I was looking for. I wanted to push it one way or the other. Now I feel relieved. I don’t believe I was controlling him.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:52am

  208. 208: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda: Yes…your future (YOUR future…not one with someone else) YOUR dreams…YOUR goals…YOUR passions…all of that! YES…there is SOOOO much positive in this world…so much…and YOU are part of that positive…so let everyone know that. Nothing negative about your past…nothing too personal about how you were raised or about what little experience you have and EVERYTHING positive about what you love and want and will do and will see and plan on and hope for. All light, fun, airy, beautiful things about why YOU are on this planet right now…nothing about why someone else made that hard for you.

    60 days.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:52am

  209. 209: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Deal!~ Thanks! :-)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:52am

  210. 210: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, very cool, Brenda and Mercedes. :)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:55am

  211. 211: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I felt so sad and small and its unfair momi. they are not seeing me there mommy. they don’t see that i’m a good little girl. and i am giving myself a ahug and talking to myself and sighs are coming out. it feels calming.

    i still feel a lil sadd

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:56am

  212. 212: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oooh this helps me!

    “Wounded Tears

    Wounded tears are the tears we express when we are feeling like a victim. Wounded tears come from the pain that we are causing ourselves with our own self-abandonment. When we do not take loving care of our own feelings – instead ignoring our feelings, judging them, and avoiding them with various addictions – we might then project on to others that they are abandoning us and are the cause of our emotional pain.

    Wounded victim tears are a manipulation of others, trying to make others feel guilty and responsible for you. The hope of wounded tears is that the other person will feel sympathy and pity for you, and give you the love and attention that you are not giving to yourself. Wounded tears are a way of avoiding personal responsibility for yourself – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

    Wounded tears are a bottomless pit. Because they are being caused by your own self-abandonment, your misery will not go away until you choose to take responsibility for your self.

    **especially this last paragraph! ifelt wow reading it! i felt understood. i feel guilty that it may make someone feel bad that i post it here. i deserve to feel good. i deserve to be me fully .**

    When you are at the other end of another’s wounded tears, you might feel put off by them. This is a normal reaction to the manipulation and is not an indication that you are a heartless person. When you don’t feel moved by another’s tears, there is a good chance that it is because their tears are trying to make you feel guilty and responsible for them.

    i feel guilty right now like i’m posting this to take a dig at someone, and i dont want to do that, i feel excited to baby step on healing this. Thank you!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:00am

  213. 213: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Barb and others — I am sorry you felt ignored. I don’t purposely ignore anyone.

    Sometimes I use my phone to participate here, and I miss some stuff or can’t easily go back to a referenced post etc.

    I’m not sure I am even posting this on the right thread where it will be seen by you, Barb. :(

    But if anyone still has some unanswered questions that they would like help with, I would be happy to do my best to help. I’m not sure at this point if there are still questions….??


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:02am

  214. 214: Apple JacksNo Gravatar says:

    Love love LOVE Mercedes’ suggestion to Brenda. Hey Bren that could be fun, you know? For 60 days you are tight lipped about your past and only talk about who are are now as in your inner world, dreams, passions, goals…do you know what a jack pot of wonderful connection you can attract with that? It’s like bees to honey! It’s a stage play where you are the star and writing out your own story in the moment!

    I used to be a story vomiter too especially during my early 20s. I used to be very guarded because I felt like the only way I could get people in new relationships, friends or otherwise, to understand me is if I told my whole background story. As an INFP, that feels exhuasting so I just kept people away. Than I made the connection I didn’t have to and for the last two years, I did exactly what Mercedes described and the results have been amazing! It’s like second nature to me now, I don’t even think about it and connection with people seem to come naturally and easily lately, and that feels empowering and wonderful.

    I feel excited for you, Bren. This will be fun, good-luck!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:08am

  215. 215: ReadyNo Gravatar says:


    You may want to read “healing your aloneness”, it is by a woman that Rori recommends. It talks about codependency and not being aligned with yourself.

    When you are in such a whirl about a non-returned email or a potential relationship that is not working, it is a good toolkit for self soothing. Instead of running out to get validation.

    All of this talking and thinking is a form of control. And it is to cover feeling sad or mad or whatever. Explaining is a form of control. Rori has posted some of this on this blog from time to time.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:10am

  216. 216: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel afraid… and running panicked to find love…

    i love me, and my very concentrated mental running girl
    ! hugs!!

    shes looking left and right, over her shoulder, jumpy as she very concentratedly races to find the love

    i love you!!1 from my tummy!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:12am

  217. 217: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i want to fall, blubbering and relieved, in mami’s arms. i lvoe you.! i will hold you here!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:13am

  218. 218: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    omgosh mommy
    ! i felt so scared! whew! waiting for my herat to slow down still!

    i love youw!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:14am

  219. 219: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thats great that you felt scared! wow!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:15am

  220. 220: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    you’re such a brave lil girl.

    but momi what if i run into a car tryina be brave.

    you won’t! you’re a wise lil girl and

    you’re naturally lucky

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:15am

  221. 221: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria. I see you. :) And I like what you posted.

    A few days ago WH and I were texting late at night and at one point he didn’t answer back … a lot of time passed and I figured he probably had fallen asleep. I felt kinda disappointed, but — for the first time EVER with any man — I didn’t take it personally and didn’t FEEL “abandoned.”

    It was an exciting realization! A lot of healing has taken place in the past year!

    So I texted him, “I guess you have abandoned me [he had, in a literal sense, at that moment, but not in a bad way]. Good thing my abandonment issues are all healed. :)”

    (I also added a flirtatious remark, but that’s not relevant to my point. :) )

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:19am

  222. 222: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m feeling a touch shaky, tightened up and shaking my fear out . i love me… awww.. hehe… i love the way fear flows out of my body

    it feels almost like joy… that “giddiyness

    this was great with a man last nite, he teased me — small…

    i said i felt angry..

    he sorta apologized sorta teased again

    i looked him in the eye and said : hmm… i feel tense.. hehe

    this is all in my natural and kitty purr voice, while being truthful.

    he laughed a lil. that i told him i was feeling that… and what a strange thing to say that somehow made so much sense. that was the important part that my body still felt tense.. i really got it too… that that’s what mattered was how my body was feeling… mm it felt like a delicious moment

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:21am

  223. 223: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling torn up inside and tiny. Today I am the object of untrue political rumors. It makes me sick that activist rivals who want the same thing that I do are spreading these rumors so that THEY can get all the glory. I feel tired of this. I want out of this line of work. I don’t like feeling like I’m developing ulcers.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:21am

  224. 224: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my gosh, Daria, I love your mommy dialogue!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:26am

  225. 225: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ready – I just looked up Healing Your Aloneness… cuz its something im doing.. and its by Margaret Paul, the Inner Bonding Lady! wow.

    Thats’ where the article piece about wounded tears is from too.

    In fact, Im going to post an article I felt excited by by one of her facilitators:

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:29am

  226. 226: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    Thanks :)

    There were no celebrations or parties for me….well I remember one and no one showed up (I was 6 or 7) I remember feeling rejected and angry at how foolish I felt in front of my mom. The first bad memory is from 4; I got finger paints that I had begged for and in my sheer excitement I tore the paper…I didn’t know there was “special paper” so I was still excited until the family kept stressing that I had ruined the gift …..I was still asking for any kind of paper I didn’t care…..so they kept explaining that it was moot so to speak…..I felt really bad because I knew that my mom only had so much money and just replacing the gift was not an option…..

    This year was the first birthday I was comfortable with wrapped gifts…..I’d say I only had 10% uneasiness but mostly just excited that I had a man think of me, remember, plan, and actually include ribbons!!!!! That stuff only happened to the “popular girls” at school….ugh….with the balloons in the hallways and bfs surprising them at school…..blech! I was NEVER that girl…… But this year I was pretty friggin close :)

    Sigh….more tapping……ugh…I don’t even want to think about it….

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:29am

  227. 227: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    it also feels so gut wrenching that the people who are spreading these rumors so that they can be the forerunners in our line of work are not going to succeed. They do not have the funding or the public support. They are hurting us all. Why can’t we all work together instead of go for each others’ throats? I never publicly said a negative thing about these (crazy freaking) people because it hurts us all to defame a brother or sister in the same cause. How can these people who are all in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s, not be mature enough to understand that? How are they going to immaturely point out my young age as some sort of disqualifier, when I have accomplished more in the last 5 years than they have accomplished in their whole lives?

    I have had people refer to me as a “girl” and “ditzy” and “stupid” and “young” and my “boss’ young thing” and it is so f*cking sexist and disgusting. Let’s play home jeopardy, haters. I’ll beat your ass cuz i’m educated and intelligent, even if i’m wearing pink and have a fresh young face.


    repeat trigger in my life.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:32am

  228. 228: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, sounds like “Legally Blonde.” Sorry you’re having a rough time. :(

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:56am

  229. 229: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Siena, you lurker you. :)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:57am

  230. 230: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    G’day!!! I am glad to read all this Brenda – AND I agree you’re in a political minefield at your job if you don’t step away. I once had rumours of sexual harrassment leveled at me about a maintenance man….and I had done NOTHING at all…..Bill is fabulous, but I hope you can find someone else on line.

    My childhood stories are all the same as yall…I got toner and cottonballs once (back when toner was astringent for the face!)….my mother never once in my whole life let anyone tell me I was beautiful – well, when I turned 15 I found out in a big way and wow, a whole new world opened up. I tell myself this is because she didn’t want me to grow up playing the beauty card, but she was pretty jealous of my father with me….ugh….one Christmas party at my DADDY’s job she made me a fabulous blue velvet skirt….wow oh wow….then she shellaced my hair down until it was dishwater blonde and put huge 4″ bobby pins on each side…ugh, ugh and more ugh.

    She was an AMAZING woman….just not a good mother.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:58am

  231. 231: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dorothea! Wow, that stinks, is wrong and I feel like whatever it is they are just trying to stop your power and your voice!!!! Sending you energy to break through and hold steady!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:59am

  232. 232: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel frustrated. This has happened three times now in two days — being grossly misunderstood by guys on pof! I wonder what it means…. It is definitely a new and perplexing development.

    One guy thought I said I sleep around. I don’t. And I didn’t say I did.

    One guy thought I agreed to a date. I didn’t.

    And just now a guy thought I said I wanted to talk on the phone. I didn’t. And I don’t want to.

    This feels very strange.

    Mirror? I don’t know……

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:01pm

  233. 233: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ BarbInOz…you must have got stuck in moderation???? because I’ve actually been wondering where you were and missing you!!!! Sorry, sorry….if you post and no one answers, check current comments, go there and re-post, I have and it worked – sometimes we get hung up on an old page. Anyway, you might know I was saying the same stuff yesterday and I NEVER want you or anyone else!! to feel that way – you can always email me @houstonrealtionshipsurvey@yahoo.com..

    I internet dated for over 2 years, over 100 guys before I picked this one….or he picked me??? he says he picked, I let him in, so to speak.

    Ruth, you can email too….or just hang around and read back posts they’re really perfect for getting the gist of things…

    and hello, Kathy and hey!!! It’s applejacks!!! whom I thought was a cereal, but saw yesterday with the Little Debbies???

    Waves madly….

    and Lizzie’s like the most wonderful voice in the world…..

    Shoutout to Daria, Tinique and Mercedes….thank you all for being here!!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:03pm

  234. 234: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    sorry i know that wasn’t dating related but it felt good to vent, thank you!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:06pm

  235. 235: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    lol, lucy, ya slut! how dare you not want to get obsessed over one man who hasn’t clearly defined his intentions with you. gosh!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:15pm

  236. 236: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    correction people would tell me I was pretty and my mother would like grab my arm and shake me and say Pretty is as pretty does…..so the only compliment I remember getting was you have beautiful teeth….rofl…she’d let that one go by.

    If anyone wants to take a stab at how that would play out in a grown up, let it rip. I think I healed all of it – it was really hard because of who she was –

    one time, she picketed so they wouldn’t take the fire station away and had the mayor of Houston calling her on the phone…

    and she left my father when I was 21, with an 8th grade education and got her GED and went through nursing school and worked at the County Hospital….13 years, retired and was dead in 3 months….she gave herself away to her patients, just never to us.

    Both of my parents at different time expressed that all the mistakes they made raising me were because they were totally trying to make me independent! Yeah, that took….lol….and I needed to be, my daddy was gone by the time I was 28, my mom @ 36.

    So, who knows? bad or good, I just don’t label it anymore! and you know, lots of metaphysical folks say we pick our parents….my dad was maybe even more amazing than my mom…in the world, so mostly I feel lucky!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:15pm

  237. 237: lmNo Gravatar says:

    daria – 228:

    i looove margaret paul. i started doing inner bonding facilitation. it’s pretty amazing. it has led me to some amazing breakthroughs over the past few months.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:21pm

  238. 238: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I could definitely understand the metaphysical concept of picking your parents.

    i can feel my mom’s borderline personality disorder in me. it is not nearly as pronounced but i see it. it feels scary. i am strong and i am NOT my mother, though, so i am going to be okay if i choose to be.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:21pm

  239. 239: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so sad thinking that Jaqueline’s dad was gone at 28. i feel sooo scared of losing my dad…

    his dad died when he was young like 14,

    i feel all of a sudden sobbing

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:25pm

  240. 240: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    cyring while holding myself and relaxing into my firm arms/hands feels a lot better than crying witout my arms aroud me… that feels kinda lonely

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:27pm

  241. 241: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria – I wished it were me that was dead at that time….but the sad truth is you don’t die, you still wake up every morning and you find a way to go on, no matter what pretty much it’s the same for all trauma and/or victims. It took me a long time to get past feeling sorry for myself, and I think – no I know! – October 4ths coming cuz that’s my mother’s birthday and I still put it on the calendar because I will be crying and crazy for about 5 days….it had to happen 2 or 3 years in a row for me and my bestfriend to figure it out. We can clear and clear and clear….but we can’t hit restore….that’s why the video made me cry and say I miss HOME. They may not have told me I was pretty…but they did tell me I was strong, brilliant and unique….even encouraged it. I’ve never regained such a strong acceptance of who I AM since they’ve been gone.

    Luv ya,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:32pm

  242. 242: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    IM – i feel curious to learn from your breakthroughs, and inner bonding process… tell me more…

    i am babystepping to learning about it, when something touches me from it, which is often…

    i feel so good being able to comfort my inner little girl now…

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:32pm

  243. 243: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Aww J – I actually felt very at peace when my grandmother and grandfather passed … i felt coforted knowing they lived long lives… which is different…

    and i feel good about them dying, i feel comfortable talking to them at any time, and hearing their answers..

    one tiem i asked for their presence and I felt overwhelmed by warmth and love! wow

    i actually feel pretty close to the other side like i can stick my hand thru the invisible curtain

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:35pm

  244. 244: RosalieNo Gravatar says:


    I LOVE your comment on Brenda!!!!Wow great advice for all of us here- I’m sure Sirens will agree with me! :) Now I’m thinking about such a deal with myself!

    I just got a new job today. So I’ll teach at 3 places every day! Great challange, very busy new me! No time for bad thoughts among kids and adult learners.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:37pm

  245. 245: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “i actually feel pretty close to the other side like i can stick my hand thru the invisible curtain”

    Really Daria? I want to hear more. May I ask for more? More than almost anything, I want to be able to feel the ones who have passed.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:39pm

  246. 246: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “i actually feel pretty close to the other side like i can stick my hand thru the invisible curtain”

    I love the way you phrased that, Daria. I am like that, too. But I still feel afraid of my daughter dying.

    When my friend died of cancer a few years ago, I actually felt her presence MORE than I did while she was here in her body. I talked to her a lot for about a year after she passed and felt her whisper answers.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:46pm

  247. 247: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “i actually feel pretty close to the other side like i can stick my hand thru the invisible curtain”

    me too

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:46pm

  248. 248: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    She lived down the street from me, and I still feel her here in the neighborhood whenever I think of her.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:47pm

  249. 249: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    My sister died before I was born, and I grew up feeling her presence and guidance and love.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:48pm

  250. 250: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I never met my Grandfather in Cyprus until he died. Then he was no longer physically bound across the oceans, and we met each other. He hung out for a few days with me.

    This discussion feels lovely and comforting. I feel like releasing tears.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  251. 251: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    my grandparents were already dead, as well. So it was just me, a brother who got his lawyer to change my mother’s will and stuck me in the house next to the drug dealing tire shop – I had to go “occupy” it or sell it, and a 12 year older sister whom my father had adopted – big family secret until I was 21, that my mother had been married before…ugh…anyway,

    I am going to post a topic on my blog about cornerstones/touchstones – if I didn’t have my bestfriend since 9th grade I would have NO ONE who holds “memories” for me except my now almost 90 year old amazing women neighbor.

    I conciously chose not to want to see or feel the other side – my mom was seriously psychic – and I was like, no visions, no waking up and seeing you sitting on the bed, no nothing! mother….grin….and after 25 years, my daddy just feels far away.

    I have other people tho who feel right there….and I have what I call my soul spirits – animals, that I pray for and bless every nite – Cloud the gentle, Panther the companion, Goose the Angel and Shaman the White Wolf….once a very psychic lady asked me if I’d HAD a parakeet, as she was remote viewing and could see Cloud perched on the window sill….wow!

    She also asked me if I was sitting in front of a large mirror – and I was sitting in front of a 6’x6′ window…with no panties on! heee heee…so you can bet my feet hit the ground off the table and I was pulling the long t shirt I had on down!!!

    She called me right before she died – like I was the last voicemail she made, and was gone in 10 minutes or so after….I did the fabulous ceremony I’d promised where I lit 100 tea lights….which I do NOT recommend doing on your stove, some of the was is still there….lol….

    and she promised to find my animals. Also, she saw Shaman playing with a little white fluffy dog – and that was so real, as when Shaman died I told him to go find Sam (my hero, my idol and the man my mother was a fool not to marry and cling to for the rest of her life….)…..and Sam had “tiny mite,” a little white fluffy poodle! So, OMGosh, Shaman found Sam?!!!!! and Rita had NO idea about Sam or any of it…that made me cry my heart out.

    Her name was Rita Norling, she was like a psychic to the stars in the 60’s had a book and stuff….I wish I’d of had longer to learn from here, and someday I may publish some of the stuff she gave to me; she was amazing, just breathtakingly connected to the other side!

    Thanks for listening….I feel lighter when I share some of the remarkable stuff I’ve experienced.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:09pm

  252. 252: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    WOW! Ready, Lucy, AJ, Rosalie! Thank you all!

    I know for me, I’ve felt the need to talk too much in two different ways. The first time was with my step sister. I had moved to a new school and was there ahead of the rest of my family. My step sister (who is my age) is borderline mentally retarded and was socially “wrong” in my young mind (8th grade) and so…because I was “popular” in my new school…I “warned” everyone about her. I set it up so they wouldn’t change their minds about me after meeting her. I actually set her up for a lot of needless pain and suffering because there’s no way of knowing how the kids would have reacted if I had just stuck up for her the way a sister would instead of the way an insecure young girl would.

    The funny thing is (and this is way 2 of my former talking too much problem) she had the same childhood I had. All the pain, abuse, neglect…it was hers too. When I got older, I used that history to get attention…to get men to love me…to get people to feel sorry for me, etc. Funny thing is, men will do anything for a damsel in distress. They’re more than willing to hold a woman in need of comforting…they’re ready and able to “physically” make an insecure, scared woman feel needed…they’re willing to do just about anything for her.

    They almost NEVER fall in love with her.

    So I grew up. I stopped talking about how I was raised and what my childhood was like and instead, I allowed men and women both to see me as I am today instead of as everyone else told me I was in the past.

    You know what? I found love.

    And I’ve shared all of my past with my love. But the love was there first…and without that love being there first, J would not have been able to get to know me…the way I am now. Instead…he would have felt sorry for me…he would have given me attention. I don’t think he would have fallen in love with me though. Because today, he doesn’t love the woman I was (or thought I was). He loves the woman I am.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:14pm

  253. 253: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello again ladies!
    First of all, Daria… I didn’t mean to diss you, so I apologize if you think I did. You write a lot and you obviously have a lot to say, but sometimes it’s impossible to read through it all. And sometimes it’s easy to overlook someone like BarbinOz, who just posts once or twice in between lots of riff posts that let off steam (I did not just mean yours) and don’t always need answering, but she had a specific question she wanted help with and I felt bad for her because nobody noticed it.

    I expect you mean me by someone who’s missing the point because she wants a specific guy, and to that I can only say, we all want different things. What exactly is “the point”? Lots of posts stray from the original questions in all kinds of ways. Isn’t the point that we’re all here because we have relationship troubles in one way or another and we’d like some fresh perspectives on them? Or to see if Rori’s tools work for us and how? She does always stress that you don’t have to walk out of an unsatisfactory relationship… you can also use these tools to fix it. I originally posted because I was so happy with the result of my first baby steps (and they really were baby!). Is that missing the point?

    Love and peace, I say! There is room for everyone here.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:20pm

  254. 254: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – my experience is similar to Lucy and Dorothea’s.

    I first got to babystep thru this when my friend died suddenly and violently and ALL OF US were seeing him different places, feeling his presence even more strongly than when they were here damn near!

    in fact, me and that boy were falling in love, so he came to visit me, talked to me… his phrases.. his thought process… had KINKY SEX WIHT ME — y es i was actually by myself but was def his thought process and stuff i hadnt thot of myself… me and my godsister even SAW HIM… he insisted i get a tattoo, i saw how it would look and who would do it.. turned out like that…


    Have you tried to EFT on it?

    when i called my grandparents… i realized first that I was actually blocking htem from being fully there… because it wasn’t somethin gi felt comfortable with… i opened up my shield a lil bit and i felt super loving warmness, really strong

    I would try to EFT on it, to allow myself to feel them.

    Also, I communicate with them thru myself as an inner voice. Like I’ll ask, and then let them saying something back – thats them…

    opening up bit by bit and allowing more and more of a full feeling experience can open a person up to really experiencing that…

    i know you can do this if its a heart desire of yours…

    have you checked out Project Sanctuary by Silvia Hartmann… ? i’m pretty sure you can call them into sanctuary too

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:21pm

  255. 255: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Secondly, Jacqueline… thank you for the welcome, it’s a pleasure getting to know you all.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:23pm

  256. 256: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    French Kitty – nope i didn;’t mean you.. it was a generic thing.

    but about wanting the guy… we already gave you great advice about focusing on wanting hte relationship instead….

    a lot of us = me included – have come here wanting the guy… and come to learn that the way to get the guy is to shift focus from wanting him to wanting a great relationship and loving ourselves

    now just waiting for you to “get it” i know you will… i feel detached and weird writing this…

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:23pm

  257. 257: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I too consciously chose to close to ghosts and stuff cuz its my biggest fear… i got scared by a babysitter when i was 2 and i’ve been scared since

    i just asked not to see it and it works. nonetheless i felt totally safe with my friend and stuff… it came to me in a way i felt comfortable with, voices in my head… mostly… plus i felt safe with him as is, and my grandmothers

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:26pm

  258. 258: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I love how you practice and use Rori’s tools and I think you have a better handle on her work that anyone I have ever seen (you and Alias Girl…) but for me, I have a little bit different experience than you do and I would like to share.

    I think sometimes though Rori is very, very open to those of us who want the specific guy and we want the relationship with that specific guy.

    I found Rori because I had recovered from the hurt in my existing relationship and J and I were back together. At that time, after J had cheated on me and we were together again…did I search for Rori.

    We went through so much and he did the work he needed to do and I “got him back” (for lack of a better phrase…I hate that phrase but I don’t know what else to call it). I wanted to make sure I didn’t and we didn’t make the same mistakes again that caused our relationship to go downhill so far that he cheated on me. I wanted to lose the mistakes and learn a new way of communicating with and holding on to MY current relationship with the guy I already had in my arms. I seeked advice from Rori to help make this happen.

    It was never about finding the person who could give that amazing relationship to me. It was never about finding that amazing relationship. It was (and still is) about learning to keep the right relationship for me and the right man for me strong and secure and loving and beautiful. I don’t ever want to lose him again and we both check in with ourselves and each other every single day to make sure we are doing what it takes to keep this strong.

    For both of us, it is about one individual person and one relationship and it is not about looking for anything else. That’s what I love about Rori’s work. You don’t have to be out there looking. You don’t have to be single. You don’t have to be missing someone. You don’t have to be a mess over a lost love. You don’t have to have a messed up existing love.

    Her tools and her teachings and her meditations apply to those of us who are happy, in love and in beautiful relationships…and just want to make sure we are doing all we can to grow that relationship in love and intimacy every single day for the rest of our lives.

    As far as I’m concerned, a woman shouldn’t stop applying these tools when she has the relationship she wants. She should actually keep looking at them and keep reading because they will (really, really will) help keep us strong in our existing love as well as they would help us find a love that doesn’t yet exist in our lives.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:36pm

  259. 259: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Mercedes! I am not here to be told to forget about the guy. I get told that often enough. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be here at all.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:44pm

  260. 260: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, you ladies are amazing! You really give some wonderful advise here, that everyone can benefit from.

    Thanks, Ragnell and Jacqueline. I’ve actually been on-line dating on and off for the past few years, but I wasn’t ready to get serious, so I wasn’t looking for Mr Right. I’ve been married twice and didn’t want to let a man in the house till my daughter was at an age where his man would not fill a father role for her any more (she had two, that’s enough). Now she is 20 and I want a partner.
    I have very little confidence in myself when it comes to choosing a partner. My first husband was abusive and my second husband didn’t touch me for 10 years, while I remained faithful to the guy. So I feel that I need all the help in world to get it right the third time. I hope you’ll be patient with me, because may be asking a lot of stupid questions here.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:44pm

  261. 261: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Ah, Ruth! There are no stupid questions! Bring it on!
    In response to an earlier post of yours, and I don’t care if I’m alone on this, but I’d never go on a date with someone I know I’m not interested in. Maybe this is because as I said last night, dating in the American sense doesn’t really exist in France. Go out for dinner with a guy or agree to meet him for coffee, you know he’ll want sex. Maybe he won’t ask for it, but the question is always in the air… there’s no such thing as a free lunch. And it’s such a bore to have to disappoint them afterwards. Makes you feel like you went out with them on false pretenses. And that sure as hell doesn’t make me “feel good”.

    On the other hand the French are world class flirters, and you can practice your feminine tools on them without having to go on dates… maybe that’s actually easier, I don’t know! I’ll think about it.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 1:56pm

  262. 262: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Frenchkitty: I love your answer to Ruth!

    “I’d never go on a date with someone I know I’m not interested in. ”

    You are not alone on this.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:01pm

  263. 263: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda sweetie – I have been out at meetings so please forgive if I say anything that has already been addressed. I request permission to yell at you – BILL IS GAY. Ok I have done it.

    Now here is the thing, I married a gay guy.

    Here is the other thing, my first meeting gay-dar said, this guy is gay. Your early detection system did the same thing.

    Guess what? he was charming. Guess what Bill is – he is charming. Guess what else? he thought I was sweet; Guess what Bill did, he thinks you are sweet. Guess what I did? Ignored my gay-dar intuition because I was “lonely” and looking for a “friend”. Guess what you did? Ignored your gay-dar intuition because of your internal workings as well.

    So, thank-you-me, we are just fine. Your gay-dar and my gay-dar work just fine. You are fine. AND…you did not suffer betrayal. You are fine. He is gay; you are straight. Ok now that that is settled, you have a terrific opportunity because he can be a fantastic friend. You can practice all kinds of stuff with him. He will be good for you.

    And you get to take a look at why you ignored your gay-dar, just like I ignored my gay-dar. Interestingly, there seems to be a theme in this thread about parents and what we did to protect ourselves…I thoroughly understand why I chose to marry a gay guy – it will not happen again.

    And, NO YOU CAN NOT SWITCH HIT! And any attempt on your part to get that to happen is futile and the sirens would all “beat you up with mink rattails and wet spaghetti noodles and then hug you.” People who play both teams do so by choice. Gay is not a choice, it just is.

    So, if you or any other siren on here really wants to know what happens when you marry a gay guy, don’t be shy, I would share. Suffice it to say, it is the most profoundly lonely experience on the face of earth. Even my being beaten as a child is not as profoundly disturbing. Now I am going to weep….

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:05pm

  264. 264: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria, so much.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:05pm

  265. 265: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you again, Mercedes! I think we’re going to be great friends!

    I think flirting with guys you meet by chance is every bit as good for yourself esteem as dating, and great practice in dealing with men and studying their responses. It’s also easy, because you haven’t arranged to meet them, you can leave when you want, you owe them nothing because you paid for your own coffee, and you really can do it with everyone from the postman to the guy that sells you your newspaper in the morning, regardless of whether you are interested in them or not. (And here practically every guy will flirt with you… even the tramp on the street corner will comment on how pretty you are before asking for a coin – and that really does make you feel good.)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:12pm

  266. 266: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Frenchkitty, I’m glad you said that. I live in Israel and there are mentality differences. Israelis are also a lot more forth coming with the sex issue. Some can get very touchy from the moment they lay eyes on you, which I find very offensive. Another thing is that everybody is very careful about money. Often guys won’t invite even for coffee, just for a walk in the park on the first date, because they first want to check if the woman is attractive enough to have sex with. Then she’ll be worth investing money in. Sounds rude, but it’s just the way it works.
    Also women are expected to be more “aggressive”. So the whole “leaning back” strategy is not easy to apply.
    Nevertheless I think the concept is the same, because like Rori said it’s not so much about what we do or don’t do it’s about our energies. It’s about managing our energies.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:16pm

  267. 267: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Frenchkitty – That’s a big part of what CDing is about, flirting or circular dating with everyone you see, men and women, smiling, holding eye contact, having short or long conversations, and often you will never see them again.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:18pm

  268. 268: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I love our sexy international community here.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:20pm

  269. 269: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    French Kitty – i didn’t say it was easy to shift focus. nor did i say forget about the guy! … that’s different!

    Mercedes had to make the same choice… and go for the relationship, not the guy, and find and hold her boundaries when she found out her man was cheating.

    Mercedes – I feel a little misunderstood… and I agree with your post… about how we continue to use the tools, and they are very useful in a relationship with a specific man

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:20pm

  270. 270: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    I love that CDing idea! Date without arranging a date. I started the moment I read about it the first time and enjoyed from the first moment. It instantly lifted my self esteem.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:23pm

  271. 271: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ugh – posts making judgements and labels about how men are or why this won’t work out are triggering me to feel angry. it feels so draining! i remember being a writer of these posts, and i bet i still do when triggered… hm… it just feels bad now… im like ick! i don’t want to think of the world that way…

    i feel turned off and the person seems… “too far gone” for me to help…

    i feel hopeless to help them

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:25pm

  272. 272: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ah… but going on actual dates you get the chance to FEEL triggered, FEEL like you owe them something… and practice expressing that feeling, and practice receiving more and more…

    it will also trigger you to practice telling the truth to a man you’re not attracted to “Mr. Disgusting” as rori calls it on her Targeting mr. Right program.

    there’s Mr. Disgusting ,

    Mr. Dispassionate,

    Mr. Disappointment,

    and Mr. Desire


    we go out with all men, as long as they don’t frighten us… to practice telling the truth, and opening up, and practice receiving JUST WHEN we feel unworthy, or owing… or guilty

    and this grows us .. and we can open up more and more…

    and our mr.. right will show up and claim us… we’re not looknig for him… just building our ability to tell the truth – to everyone, cuz evne mr right will trigger us sometime – and receive… cuz our insecurities will come up wiht him too

    that’s some of how cd works.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:31pm

  273. 273: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:35pm

  274. 274: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    FrenchKitty – i feel angry at the way my words were read… as telling you to forget about the guy… i feel amused because i recognize myself in that… and i feel misunderstood and brushed off now…

    and i feel guilty that my words triggered you instead of encouraged you… oops i feel guilty… i love my guilt.. i love my anger and i love my left out ness… and misunderstoodness and unheardness and brushed off ness… and fury and anger and no i do n ot want my words twisted ness

    i do not want to feel unheard

    and i do not want to speak in unencouraging ways

    i forgive myself

    i forgive you

    i forgive everyone who contributed to this

    and i love me

    and i am willing to love everyone

    and that feels vulnerable

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:35pm

  275. 275: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita — defeatist? i feel curious??

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:36pm

  276. 276: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    You have a point there Daria.
    I think you have a lot of courage being ready to expose yourself to all the being triggered and challenging yourself.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:39pm

  277. 277: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I leaned way back with an Isreali….and he was practically stalking me….. I wasn’t aggressive at all. I was assertive about believing in traditional roles…I was assertive about my boundaries and needs…..I was at the most “aggressively responsive”. I’ve never lived in Israel but i have dated and worked with them. This guy was fresh out of the army….and his English not the best….but I felt no need to be aggressive….I was just very transparent….he was tough but he lead.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:42pm

  278. 278: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: Hmmm…maybe we are understanding each other (or maybe just me misunderstanding you) but I also agree with you. These tools are fantastic for finding a relationship that is right. I was just trying add to that because sometimes we already have a relationship that is right and we want to hold on to it…not find a new one. I was agreeing with you and just showing how someone like me applies the tools as well. Does that make sense?

    This is a little triggering though…
    “i feel turned off and the person seems… “too far gone” for me to help…”

    because I don’t see anyone here too far gone to help and everyone here can learn from you. Everyone.

    I also agree with you as far as going out on dates…except that for me personally, I want to see the person as attractive or feel an attraction to them before I date them. As far as practice though…I’m 100% with Tinque…practice on EVERYONE. I still do this! I’m an incurable flirt and even the grocery store finds me striking up conversations with strangers and smiling and laughing with them…

    Can’t help it… :-)

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:42pm

  279. 279: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – wouldn’t you recommend going on a date with men she may not be attracted to yet that are able and willing to treat her well —

    to a woman who addictively and chronically dates men that treat her badly? or who aren’t good for her? or who has trouble receiving from men?

    or who don’t take her out at all?

    maybe a woman like that (ahem, me) can actually open up to new men and Expand the pool of men she’s attracted to to include good men as well…

    waiting for men she’s attracted to can lead her right inot the toxic pattern, since she was attracted to exclusively toxic men…


    that’s why Rori recommends dating any man that we feel safe with and even a possible touch of interest/curiosity in…


    i’ve noticed that while i may not feel attracted to THAT man, on the date… afterwards i will be more open to a similar man, who may be good or better than the men i was used to dating before…

    not only that, but oh the practice of telling the truth! and receiving! and learning to feel buyoed and open with men’s attention instead of drained and closed

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:43pm

  280. 280: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque, Ruth, Lizzie, Frenchkitty, Mercedes all of you thank you for some wonderful posts about this CD’ing and how you do it. I didn’t mean to come across all whiney and crybaby, but sometimes as somebody said you kind of get lost in the vast amounts of posting on here, I find it pretty hard to keep up with anyway as I get up in the morning and find a TON of posts that have moved on from where I left it last night when I went to bed :)

    Lizzie, you could be talking about me on your #160, I felt such a connection and understanding and its not real easy for me to talk about IRL, because I don’t know anybody else who is Internet Dating, I loved this from you:

    I have discovered a few things about myself as a result of all this –
    – intellectual horsepower is important to me
    – they have to be taller than me
    – I must feel that they want me and
    – I must feel good when I am with them

    THANK YOU everybody for your time.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:43pm

  281. 281: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Ooops….I meant to write he led….although I wasn’t interested….I ignored my phone because he was too intense….and finally I just said no and we agreed to be friends although since then we haven’t spoken but I think of him as a friend :)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:44pm

  282. 282: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – ok now i feel more understood. thank you for sharing how it helped you In a realtionship!

    yes… those “far gone” things are MY triggers! I get them in life as well… with students… people… parents…

    i just assume that i won’t be heard, i will feel unheard and bad…

    i love myself.. babysteps

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:45pm

  283. 283: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I am sorry for singling you out and that it upset you, but sometimes your posts fill up my whole page and others kind of get “lost” with their questions in the midst of your riffs……including myself of course.

    You don’t need my approval when you made it into Rori’s book on Targeting Mr Right, that’s what I meant about being a superstar, it was tongue in cheek and perhaps my British sense of humour doesn’t always translate as well to non Brits.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:48pm

  284. 284: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    for example… i feel shaky and tight in my jaw and right shoulder thinking of writing to FrenchKitty right now.

    I felt brushed off . and i believe that i wont be heard by her if i were to share.

    this is not necessarily true.


    even though i feel afraid of not being heard by someone once i’ve felt brushed off by them… i love and accept myself Now.


    i just did some belief change stuff on that.


    along with my belief that im lucky – so luckily this belief change will take place just like i want it – this is good stuff!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:49pm

  285. 285: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, WOW is all I can say. Once you are over the initial shock, Bill could turn out to be the best friend you ever had.

    What a relief you will feel when it sinks in that none of this is about YOU.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:50pm

  286. 286: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I see where you are coming from. For some women (the one you described…ahem….you… :-) ) that makes total and complete sense. For me, it doesn’t. But that’s me. When I was circular dating (the real thing…dates and all) I was only dating men I found attractive. There were soooo many men online and the second I changed my profile the same guys were emailing the same stuff thinking I was somebody new. For me (not necessarily the same for you, but for me) it was much much better for me to weed out the ones that didn’t spark anything in me and only respond to those I found attractive. Some of them got dates with me and some didn’t. That all depended on how they responded with dialog outside of an actual date. So…different for me. This is how it went:

    1. He emails me and I read his profile to see if he is attractive. to me.

    2. If the answer is yes, I respond.

    3. If the answer is no, I don’t.

    4. If I did respond and he loses my interest in him after a few emails, chats, phone calls, etc…I turn him loose.

    5. If I did respond and he keeps my interest…he has earned a date with Goddess Mercedes.

    But…for me…I had to be attracted.

    Make sense?

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:50pm

  287. 287: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    Hi Daria,

    Defeatist in regards to feeling super judge-y about men and limiting the scope of another’s potential to change…we all transform and when I say…” oh Daria is always going to be a blonde that ” that’s limiting because Daria might decide to dye her hair hot pink tomorrow …..


    de·feat·ist [ di ftist ]

    expecting failure: showing a tendency to expect failure or accept it too readily

    noun  (plural de·feat·ists)
    somebody who expects failure: somebody who consistently expects or accepts failure

    de·feat·ism noun

    It feels like a loser’s mentality to me…..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:51pm

  288. 288: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    The hair color parallel I tried to draw felt awkward to me so I just copied the definition …..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:53pm

  289. 289: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    And we’re posting at the same time…that makes it all harder. LOL :-)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:53pm

  290. 290: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOZ – hey!! i forgot i made it into Targetinghaha!

    thank you for apologizing.

    i feel upset and sad – and defensive reading that my posts take up the whoel page and sometimes your posts get lost.

    that feels bad, . i get an image as my posts as “fillers”

    tah feels bad.

    i feel annoyed. i feel like i’m being told to be less than i am.

    i feel very cold big and removed and threatening.

    i don’t want to feel like this.

    i feel angry and kinda blamed

    So what if i post a lot.

    who says posts get lost?

    everyone can use the same scrolling function as i can… i don’t usually miss posts… I CAN but since I desire to read them, I don’t usually miss them…

    anyone can post as much as they want.. you can post post post till my posts seem “lost”

    i feel really angry

    omg i feel furious

    i feel frustrated. i feel unappreciated.

    i do not want to be less and post less so that other people can feel more “seen”

    i feel furious

    and sad and drained


    i love my sad and drained feelings

    i love my fury

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:57pm

  291. 291: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – I love that expression – the sexy international community… and you are right! I love that too! So nice to know that there’s a common experience of femininity and humanity that reaches across boundaries.

    Daria – who’s making judgments?

    Tinque – appreciate your comment, maybe I am having trouble with the terminology! When did flirting become dating, circular or otherwise? I think I’m struggling with this concept, because the very term “dating” suggests a planned date and time set aside for it, and to me an expected outcome… flirting is the opposite, it’s spontaneous and just happens. But I get what you’re telling me. Some cultural differences here too… a side effect of our international sexy community, to be celebrated in my opinion, and worth talking about because it opens new perspectives. Vive la difference, I say!

    Ruth – just to add to this, yes I can understand the money issue too and actually I think it’s not that important who pays. It’s also a practical thing. I generally move in let’s say “bohemian” circles where nobody has any money most of the time. And while I’d never turn down a drink if it’s offered to me, I wouldn’t let a guy take me out for a meal if I couldn’t imagine shagging him. Which isn’t to say I necessarily WILL agree to have sex with him, but if I’ve already decided no way beforehand, it doesn’t seem fair to let him pick up the tab. To me that’s raising false hopes and using people.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:57pm

  292. 292: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    YEAH!! i am doing great babystepping to shifting my defeatist thoughts by using the … BUT IM NATURALLY LUCKY NOW!!! so it Will work out! belief

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 2:58pm

  293. 293: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    :) I feel relieved by your perception….but for the record I was not referring to you….when I used the word but the word came to mind When I read 275#

    In reference to people in general….

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:03pm

  294. 294: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – I do my online dates exactly the same way.

    1. the thing for me was… i used to make a big distinction between being attracted (“is he just right for me that i am already having an instant romeo and juliet fantasy and am ready to sleep with him if he just but touches me”) – wich tended to happen VERY rarely with a man right off the bat

    2. and curiosity – well, this guy doesn’t look like my type but he has a cute smile… maybe he’s a good choice to let get to know me and practice with

    When i switched to 2. Curiosity and just a touch of anyting attractive as a requirement for dating, i noticed i expanded my attraction to more and more men… that i wouldn’t have considered before… because they weren’t “my perfect dude better than the man i used to be with” right off the bat

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:04pm

  295. 295: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – yeah, i guessed you were referring to that. then i got all excited because of course – mirror – i was doing that too… with my too far gone triggers -and many things in life… i had the “i;m not gonna get what i want belief” . i’m shifting this belief now! im stoked that its working. living a whole different level now!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:06pm

  296. 296: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, I hope you were not trying to teach me about Israeli men. I’ve been living here for a long time and can assure you that Israeli women are a lot more aggressive then then Europeans or Americans (which is why some men prefer American or European women). At the same time the traditional role of a woman is a lot stronger.
    But that really isn’t the issue and I didn’t come here to talk about being Israeli. It doesn’t matter, because when it comes to relationships the problem and difficulties are the same in their essence.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:06pm

  297. 297: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    It is after midnight, time to sleep and I want you all to know that I very much enjoyed this day, because I participated here.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:07pm

  298. 298: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Just been on POF dating site and wrote this to a scammer:

    Henry, I feel you live in Nigeria NOT in New York,USA what do you think about that?


    How about that for a feeling message LOL!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:09pm

  299. 299: girlNo Gravatar says:


    Last night I had a melt down when D didn’t take me to get curly fries after partying at his coworker’s wedding. At the end of the after-party, I agreed to take one final shot with him under the pretense that we would stop for curly fries. On the whole hour long drive, I was lookin out for restaurants, but he wasn’t really responding. I kept wondering if he maybe knew that these restaurants are closed..or if he had some other plan…cause we just kept on passing up restaurants…and I was feeling excited, then disappointed every time. Then I saw downtown FW appear on the horizon…I thought: ‘well, we’re almost home, I know he’s down to eat…I feel certain that we will stop for curly fries soon. But then he said something about Whataburger, and I was like “Whataburger? Whataburger doesn’t even HAVE curly fries!!” I started sobbing and asked him to just drop me off at my apartment (instead of staying the night). I got home and bawled to my roommate. She immediately offered to take me to get curly fries. I felt relieved and put my shoes back on, but then I kicked them back off a couple of minutes later when she was still in her room futzing with the computer to find the nearest Jack in the Box. So I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep. I woke up confused. I felt around for clues, and the pearl necklace I still had on sparked my recollection. I felt mortified. I went to the living room to call him, but there he was sleeping on the couch. He’s soo cute. I love him! But I have moments when I just reject the relationship. It’s not him..I just can’t do it sometimes. Like yesterday, leading up to the meltdown…

    to be continued…

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:10pm

  300. 300: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    what frenchkitty said h ere triggered me mucho

    “It’s also a practical thing. I generally move in let’s say “bohemian” circles where nobody has any money most of the time. And while I’d never turn down a drink if it’s offered to me, I wouldn’t let a guy take me out for a meal if I couldn’t imagine shagging him. it doesn’t seem fair to let him pick up the tab. To me that’s raising false hopes and using people”

    i also used to do this! this is what i was referring to…

    I was hurting myself thinking this way… and while i didn’t actually think a man would expect sex, i did feel really awkward to have a man take me out and pay, on a date.

    i felt like i was “using” him. many of us do. still practicing and shifting.

    For the new comer’s search the posts – on the right hand side… for articles on Circular Dating and what it is – how it works to help us

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:10pm

  301. 301: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – actually thats a thought, not an actual feeling message..

    i feel like a mean schoolteacher and i love myself anyway

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:12pm

  302. 302: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: you are making lots of sense here. I understand better now. I think you were feeling a need to widen your pool of men so the same toxic ones weren’t always the ones you were having dinner with (am I correct on that?).

    For me…I was trying to narrow the pool of men because there seemed to be soooo many out there and it was driving me batty trying to read through everything…every profile of every man who contacted me. So…I decided…most people put their best foot forward in their profile pictures…if that BEST picture and the initial contact with me wasn’t attractive…I was able to weed them out. If it WAS attractive…then on to step two…can he keep my attraction before I meet him?

    Same steps…two different needs in order for each of us to feel comfortable. I like that.

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:13pm

  303. 303: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria 283…

    this is a great post. I understand you a lot better now and I once again apologize if you felt brushed off. That was not my intention, hand on heart.

    I didn’t mean to tell Ruth what she should or shouldn’t do, I just said what I would do. Or not. Maybe that’s because I’m not specially attracted to toxic men that treat me badly. Now and again there’s one that does, but that’s incidental. It isn’t the toxicity that attracts me per se.

    My point is that we are all different. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. It’s the different perspectives that make this blog interesting for me.

    I say it again, it’s clear you have a lot to say. So have I. We will disagree with each other often, because I think it’s clear that we speak from totally different life experiences. But I completely respect you.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:15pm

  304. 304: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria #304, yes I am feeling bad about this “using” men I am not even interested in for my own free therapy, mind you none of the 3 “chosen ones” have phoned me yet and it has been 12 days since I gave them my cell phone number LOL!!

    Time to move on to more men I suppose….sigh….as Lizzie said in her post above most of the men on POF are very insular, at least that has been my take on it and maybe its my age group and I do believe a lot of them are married too, its like they are happy to email back and forward like a ping pong match but when you tell them you are over the endless emails they don’t step up to the table………

    In my past forays into the Internet dating scene over these past 8 years where the men have been older, or heavier and ALWAYS shorter than on their profiles, when I paid my half of the bill it gave me some kind of feeling of control, like I wasn’t obligated in any way, I feel REALLY uncomfortable having a man pay for me, maybe that’s what all these years of Womens Lib and Equal Opportunity have done for us???

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:20pm

  305. 305: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    I should have said having a man I DON’T KNOW pay for me feels uncomfortable, but of course if I am in a relationship that is a whole kettle of fish.

    Dammit Daria # 305, I was soooo proud of that message to the scammer too LOL!!

    I have a looooong way to go and I am finding this whole process a very interesting and challenging way of doing things.

    Loving the International community on here and how we all have different ways of doing things from our respective countries and backgrounds.

    Frenchkitty I am interested in the “no dating” scene in France, so how does that work?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:25pm

  306. 306: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, just went back to POF and the scammer must have blocked me because…..poof……. he has disappeared into thin air………..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:44pm

  307. 307: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    300: Ruth says:

    Nikita, I hope you were not trying to teach me about Israeli men. I’ve been living here for a long time and can assure you that Israeli women are a lot more aggressive then then Europeans or Americans (which is why some men prefer American or European women). At the same time the traditional role of a woman is a lot stronger.
    But that really isn’t the issue and I didn’t come here to talk about being Israeli. It doesn’t matter, because when it comes to relationships the problem and difficulties are the same in their essence.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:06pm

    I choose to share my experiences because I choose to share them….. I imagine that there are many lurkers on the blog that do not post but are forming ideas based on what we write…..not everyone on the Internet is over 18…. I don’t feel good remaining silent about an experience I had with a man from a particular background – when a generalization is made. I am not commenting on the “alleged aggressiveness” of Israeli women. I’ve met and known Israeli women(all women) of varied temperaments……..
    In all fairness why label an entire race of men as preferring a certain thing or requiring a woman to be a certain way to mate with those men when I have an alternate view?
    I don’t feel beholden to “not expressing” because I may appear to be “teaching”.
    We could call American women aggressive …… Based solely on the need to lead a relationship…have a career….undergo fertility treatments….join the army…..or lead a man to call….or lead him to pull his “c*ck out before he’s decided how he feels….if he feels anything at all…..
    I feel completely at ease to let our difference of opinion just be our difference of opinion…but I feel curious about the way we all generalize and cop out by “profiling ” one another.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:50pm

  308. 308: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – I feel so excited to not be attacked about my schoolteacher comment — about the scammer.

    Remember that “using” men for free therapy, YOU ARE ACTUALLY A GIFT ! to them! being with a woman, is a gift. and … any time being with a human who is practicing telling the truth.. is a gift. you are hlepin them be better men… by holding your boundaries, and sharing your feelings…

    they will have better success with the next woman, because they grow from being around Goddess YOU!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:50pm

  309. 309: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi BarbinOz!

    Dating or not dating in France… hmmm…. I have to think about how to explain that. It’s just that I’ve been here for three years, single for one and in a process of painful separation (after an 18 year marriage) for the one before that and I’ve never been aware of anyone who dates! In the anglosaxon sense of the word. Even the word doesn’t exist actually. People either have a “cheri(e)” or they haven’t. But if they have, how do they get there? A good question. But it certainly doesn’t seem to be by any ritualised dating procedure.

    From what I’ve seen, people hang out, and if they’re attracted to each other, they sleep together, probably that night. If it’s good, they see each other again. Maybe it turns into a serious relationship, or maybe they just meet to have sex. It’s quite common for women to say, hmmm, this isn’t a guy a want a serious relationship with, but I’d like him to be my lover. Maybe “one of my lovers”. I expect that’s common for men too, but obviously as women chat more I can say more about the female perspective.

    Internet dating does also exist in France, but I only know of one example of someone who does it. For two years I lived in a small village where it wasn’t easy to meet new people. (I was married at the time so it didn’t affect me, but I still managed to meet the current man in my life, whose confusing behaviour brought me to this site in the first place. We also didn’t date but flirted like crazy from the day we first met, until one day he got up the courage to say that he wanted to sleep with me and I said, I’d like that too.) Our neighbours were two brothers in their early 30’s. They use internet dating to get a never ending succession of attractive girls to drive out to the countryside and i expect they shag a fair number of them, but I never saw any of them turn up twice…

    I will think about this some more and let you know if I have any more insights.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 3:52pm

  310. 310: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    ok, now theres a kinda interesting dude on okcupid..should I send some kind of wink? I have to write stuff on a wink…and I feel nervous to lean forward.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 4:09pm

  311. 311: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel very interested in the dialogue between Daria and Mercedes — it feels like condensation just got cleared from a window so that the people on either side of the window can now see each other. It feels open and illuminated (maybe it’s just me, I don’t know!) — and now I, too, can see both viewpoints more clearly — and my own dating experience makes more sense.

    I started out like Mercedes described — not meeting anyone if I didn’t feel some attraction online. And guess what? The only person I wanted to meet lived several states away — and we never ended up meeting. I simply did not feel attracted to anyone else.

    So, a friend who had dated 70 men from online and after two years found her husband there, advised me to be open to more men — like Daria said — and she also said that she was surprised to find that she felt attracted in person to some men for whom she felt no attraction online.

    So, I went on one date with a man I felt “eh” about — and it was a disaster. Then I tried another one, and it was so-so. Then I found Rori and this blog, and felt encouraged to keep trying with more men.

    I have been doing so for a year now, and truthfully — it has been good for me, I have learned a lot about myself, and gotten all the benefits that Daria described — and those benefits are priceless!

    However, through this experience, I have come to realize that my “gut instinct” — my intuition — about men is pretty much on-target without meeting them. That is, I really can tell whether or not there is relationship potential between us before meeting them. It’s kind of like the Gay-dar Lizzie wrote about.

    So, now I am sort of at a crossroad. I can keep meeting men from online in order to “practice” even though I know there is no “future” with them (which could be a very good choice for me to make) — or I can do what Mercedes did and just meet the ones I feel potential with (which is, like, very very few — in fact, right now, besides WH, it’s maybe .. one…).

    This is a very awkward position to be in — not knowing which way I want to go — like the Scarecrow pointing in both directions in the Wizard of Oz — because what keeps happening is that I’ll chat with guys online — any guy who is even remotely interesting if I feel like it at the moment — but then they want to meet me and I flake on them — because I realize I really do NOT want to date any more guys just for practice — so now I have become one of those infamous people who will chat and chat and flirt and entice — and then not meet. So I’m ending up leaving a trail of men hanging, wondering “where’d she go????” And I don’t like the way that feels. Hey — Dorothea — maybe I really AM a slut! Maybe I “hired” that guy to say what he did because that’s how I’m feeling — like an IM/email/text slut. Hmmm…..

    So, I don’t know where I’ll go from here. This dilemma merges with the other issue being discussed here — “wanting the relationship” vs. “wanting the specific guy.”

    And I would like to write about that next…..

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 4:36pm

  312. 312: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jilly — Thanks for thinking of me!

    I’ve just been kind of busy keeping up with work and dating the Blondie that I haven’t had a chance to catch up on the blog until today. All you sirens have been busy?

    Any news with sailor man? I feel so angry that he would not call you after breaking his date with you so abruptly…sad to say, my experience has been more along the lines of yours than getting an actual explanation of what’s going on. I mean, I’m the one who decides not to continue going out more than 1/2 the time, but it’s when I do start to get into a guy (after several weeks usually) that something happens and he pulls away and then I freak out (whether I share it with him or not and I usually do, but saying something like, “It seems things have been kind of “off” the past couple of days…is there anything you want to tell me?”)

    In any event, I just wanted to let you know that it feels good to be missed and I would really like to know how things are developing between you and this guy.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 4:44pm

  313. 313: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – for me, it would come down to … dating more men even if i know they’re not the one… help me open up to more men and attract more attractive ones…

    so it’s clear for me that to spend time with a random man who i can practice my tools with…

    AND get the added beneficial result of finding better quality men attactive and attracting more men…

    is a double whammy win for me

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 4:48pm

  314. 314: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay. Here’s the thing. Even before Mercedes wrote what she did — in fact, yesterday — I suddenly had the thought that ANY man — including the “right” one for me — is going to present me with challenges, triggers, problems, issues, etc. — some of which could be completely unforeseeable and shocking — just like with my ex-husband and with Mercedes’ man. So, I’m starting to feel like maybe it really IS about choosing which man you want to go through all that with. Maybe it really is about loving a specific man and wanting a specific man. Maybe it is about seeing something in a specific man that draws me and makes me want to pursue genuine intimacy with THAT particular man. Maybe I am drawn to him because he is the one I need for my continuing growth at this point in the journey — and maybe I am the one he needs for that as well.

    Lol. I realized I said “maybe” about a thousand times in that paragraph. These thoughts are absolutely not set in stone. So … here’s hoping no one feels mad at me for thinking them. It’s just where I am right now in my process.

    And, yes, I am struggling with “wanting” WH — with keeping my hands and heart open and not latching onto him — with being open to other men — I am struggling. I love him. I want to choose him — even without knowing him any more than I do.

    I feel compassion for myself in this struggle.

    And I keep reading Daria’s “I am lucky” statements and choosing to make them my own. My daughter has said that her brother (who has a wonderful gf) is the only one in our family who got the “lucky gene.” I am choosing to believe, with Daria, that I am lucky. That my daughter is lucky. That her other brother is lucky, too.


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:01pm

  315. 315: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I was just joking, of course, Lucy.

    I hate the word slut. I also don’t like “prude”

    The number of people I sleep with or don’t sleep with or how quickly i sleep with anyone or don’t sleep with anyone is not a label i should be forced to wear.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:02pm

  316. 316: FrenchkittyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria.. just reread your post 278 and it made me smile… I feel we may trigger each other often… nothing wrong with that…

    Signing off for the night, so good night to you and all the sirens and goddesses out there… Job interviews tomorrow… hope you’ll all be sending me good vibes for that…

    Love to you all! Especially Daria!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:06pm

  317. 317: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Dorothea, I knew you were joking — but the fact remains that he thought that about me, and it does kinda fit into what I described, ya know? But thanks for making sure I knew you were joking. :)

    It’s funny that you mentioned the word “prude” — because he used that word, too, in our interactions! — and i haven’t heard that word in a long time!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:09pm

  318. 318: Getting ThereNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Bea. I am SO impressed! Is it weird to be proud of someone you don’t know? Well, I am. I know it must have been hard to write that, but it’s so clear you love yourself more than you want to be with “the boy.” I really wish I had written something like that to the last guy who sent me the “let’s be friends” email. Instead, I pretended like I was okay with just being friends and that I could handle it – not because I intentionally wanted to lie, but because I wasn’t being honest with myself and cared more about keeping him in my life (I was definitely a “crumb” girl) than I did about protecting myself. And of course it was a mistake (one I hope to never make again). It just kept me in something where I wasn’t getting what I wanted, and continued to get hurt.

    I’m pretty new to Rory’s blog, but I get her emails and they help me a lot. I’m now dating a man who I found kind of boring at first, but she helped me realize it’s actually a good thing I’m attracting “boring” men! The last man I fell hard for was anything but boring, and he broke my heart. I have done a lot of work on myself since then, but there is still much more to be done. I’m continuing to give the current guy a shot (and be open to others) because I can finally appreciate that he is treating me well. I’m finding my boundaries and really feeling things for the first time in many years. I still think about the last guy way more than I should, and truthfully I worry that I’ll never fully be over him. But I want to be open to a healthy relationship, so I will keep working. Thank you, Rori, for your advice and to the other women for telling your stories. It makes me feel like I’m not alone in this. :)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:12pm

  319. 319: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, thanks for your feedback. The thing is,

    “…AND get the added beneficial result of finding better quality men attactive and attracting more men…”

    … I already am finding top-quality men attractive and am attracting more men than I have time for…
    so that’s kind of not a factor. What do you think?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:12pm

  320. 320: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a bit awkward saying this since I have said it before but just in case ; I could not imagine being physical with my current LI or the previous one…. Both rocked my world so to speak. The attraction to them both was they seemed normal, tall, and smart. But I could not imagine either of them in bed….I even laughed when they tried kissing me… It felt ridiculous….fast forward and it is very good…..
    In my case, I was surprised. I was shocked by both and I was very satisfied by taking the chance.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:16pm

  321. 321: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – you’re attracting more attractive men than you have time for ?

    that would feel great.

    I personally would have a man here right now I got the time!

    A man has made plans to come see me any minute now

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:16pm

  322. 322: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – wow thank you that is very reassuring! especially the giggling at kissing part… i feel that way a lil bit wiht one of my CD’s from last nite…

    I also noticed, that i can easily find myself in ‘small time’ masculine mode with some Cd’s … ohhh lets do this… oh… i think this…

    i usually notice when i notice msyelf feeling buzzy in my head, and turned off

    then i check what have my words been …

    and they were me in masculine energy!!!

    and that turns me off!!


    but i notice with a couple of my cd’s theyre both “nice” its easy to fall into making the decisions – cuz they allow me

    and i feel not really turned on by either of the two

    but with more attractive CDs. they might, react in a more negative way to my taking the masculine role…
    sometimes even trigger me (or be rude, etc) with their response.. yet i feel attracted to them overall

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:21pm

  323. 323: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I would probably spend every day with these men if I didn’t have my teenage son here at home — just him now that his sibs are back at college– and I don’t want to “abandon” him and leave him feeling lonely, left out, etc.

    If I was completely alone, I would keep going out to dinner with men and probably spend the night with some of them, walk with them, watch tv together, hang out, etc.

    I’m trying to maintain a balance with my son and my “love life.”

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:24pm

  324. 324: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I find i feel better and more attracted To the nice Cd’s when I step back, and let there be silence and let him pick up the masculine role…

    ugh but it feels like a constant cathcing myself with those two – good practice! yet feeling a lil concerned and frustrated about winding up in that space repeatedly

    i don’t want to wind up in masculine space with a man

    me easily slipping into maculine mode… that feels bad. i want to feel safe in their staying in masculine…

    tho i am guessing its their niceness and respect for me that allows them to tolerate my slipping into masculine.

    And sometimes leaning back feels WOW!!! a challenge!!!

    like when we were both excited to share stories about a movie,

    and i … going mascuilne.. was interrupting him to tell mine etc… and found myself feeling icky disconnected… good to be talking… yet not attracted to him

    then i made the conscious decision to lean back wihtout interrupting him

    and he told me his story, i listened at level II

    and i felt MUCH MORE ATTRACTED TO HIM when he was done.

    i didn’t even want to tell my own story right then… i mean… i KNEW my story… that “pressing need’ to say it right then to someone else was gone… i was instead feeling attracted, good, soft and graceful

    and i still got to share later

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:28pm

  325. 325: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yeah my mom taught me that if you’re lucky you will be happy.

    and i am now teaching myself and will teach my kids that you can CHOOSE to be lucky!


    that puts a whole diff spin on it huh!!! yay!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:29pm

  326. 326: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita – how did you deal when they did kiss you, start to make love to you…

    and you initially felt kinda neutral and icky…

    like… ew a lot of spit… mhm i feel like giggling..


    in the past i’ve kinda feel like throwing up and my body recoils when certain men start to make love to me (even when they were my lover before)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:33pm

  327. 327: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    that’s how i imagine these men

    i am triggered to remembering the chubby best friend -guy – from when i was 5.

    he was my friend, and i think i was a bit masculine enrgy with him, as far as deciding what to play and stuff.

    the guy i wound up liking was unavailable and i chased.

    but this reminds me of a chubby greedy, needy boy tryna hover over me and kiss on my parts and tummy… ick! i feel like he’s llooking for his mommy?

    i feel not turned on?


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:35pm

  328. 328: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    The guy I sometimes have sex with — I’ve been seeing him for over a year — I don’t really find him all that attractive physically — and one time last fall I cried when he wanted to have sex after watching a movie because he’s a great guy but I just dreaded the thought of it and felt awful and conflicted — but I had sex with him last week after two glasses of wine and it was kinda nice — but I won’t want to do it again for a long time, I can tell, even with wine — and I want to be with a man I want to have sex with every day — which I know is possible.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:40pm

  329. 329: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    I have been having a really cool change of perception on the using men in our CD rotation thing.

    If I’m practicing ALL of my yummy, level 2 listening, goddess, siren skills

    I am a freakin’ GIFT to be with.

    When I’m with a guy, and


    instead of judging or being turned off, he feels like I am giving to him, because I am giving him the gift of being the focus of all of my attention. Even if there’s no attraction. And wow! When I can be strong on the inside and soft on the outside I can ROCK that space.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:00pm

  330. 330: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    also, in the earlier posts i wasn’t just talking about physical attraction. A heart connection is what draws me and attracts me the most and i am open to a physical attraction developing from there.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:00pm

  331. 331: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Amber – yeah!!!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:01pm

  332. 332: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    also, i wasn’t originally physically attracted to my ex-h but i consciously developed it b/c i was in a very vulnerable state in my life and wanted to “settle down with a good man.” so i know it is possible.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:11pm

  333. 333: lmNo Gravatar says:

    daria – 245:

    yeah, i have just been able to cut loose from caring what people think about me and feeling responsible for other peoples’ feelings. i think i was like this when i was younger and i learned to ‘hand myself over’ as they say in inner bonding. i was able to leave my not-so-nice boyfriend and improve my relationship with my father because of inner bonding. i really love dialoguing. i do it every day and i’ve learned to totally trust what my guidance/intuition tells me…

    it feels amazing, combined with eft and rr’s tools. you sort of just realise how much you can create in terms of your own worth and own sense of security. i love love love it.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:30pm

  334. 334: lmNo Gravatar says:

    amber –

    “I am a freakin’ GIFT to be with.”

    yes! this is the frame of mind we need to be in, even at work and in line to get coffee. you are a gift.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:32pm

  335. 335: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda — Just getting back into the swing of things here and I have to say…it struck me as kind of odd weeks ago when Bill told you Lady Gaga was his favorite artist. At that time, I assumed he was gay, but I didn’t want to say anything since I’ve obviously never met the man and didn’t want to cast aspersions.

    I imagine if I were in your situation, though, that hearing he’s gay is a huge relief compared to thinking he rejected you — right?

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:45pm

  336. 336: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Renee!!! great to have you back!! I’m in observation mode today – smile…..but I missed you!


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 6:49pm

  337. 337: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Im.

    YEs. I concur…

    EVERYONE – for scripting, everyday situations with husband, etc … INNER BONDING ROCKS!


    just read some of the free articles.


    i feel so safe right this second after reading Im’s post, checking in wiht my Inner/Higher Guidance. It is something from Inner Bonding. And the voice grows stronger! It’s like my big sister. She assured me everything’s ok.

    It’s really nice.

    Then i go in and take care of younger, hurt parts of myself – getting to take apart old beliefs in the process.

    But I always have My big sister too… inner guidance.

    Mercedes – I think you would like this for some reason.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:00pm

  338. 338: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad. Felt sad all day. Cried when my supervisor came in to talk to me. Apologized and yet felt unapologetic. Lol, my tears were authentic. I feel overwhelmed. Happy yet also just so much shifting at once, so much uncertainty, so many old values going out the window to make room for newness … and I feel bewildered.

    I feel I can get charged up about something one minute, and then something totally insignificant will happen, like tonight a person’s phone went straight to voicemail … and immediately all the urgency left my body, and all I felt was empathy. All I felt were all the reasons that the person may not have got back to me today, that have nothing to do with me. I felt soft and forgiving and understanding and sad and joyful all at once. I felt lots of “listening space.”

    I feel intrigued that I scrolled down the whole posts today and didn’t feel triggered by any of them. I noticed that I can hear all the Siren voices much more clearly now, that I feel resonance with Sirens I previously had conflict with, and I feel peaceful about all the views being expressed.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:06pm

  339. 339: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it is PRACTICAL

    male and female both. very much about our feelings… not abandoning ourselves

    how to stand up for ourselves AND not attack

    how to comfort ourselves

    and really


    i didnt even mean to get into it…

    but ive learned “hella shit” so to say

    and i just keep learning more of it… the articles rock


    I think I’m getting a lot better at not attacking guys… and tracking my feelings as in, heartache, etc. abandoning

    these weren’t feelings i was familiar with putting a “name” to

    we’re not like that in my family, if in my language, if in Anyone’s language… b

    but now I can TELL when it’s happening… to me… and see it in others!

    past triggers of abandonment.

    I think all abandoment must be from childhood… i mean, as an child you thought you wouldn’t survive

    it felt terrifying the couple of times my mom locked me out the door of the house

    omg i banged and cried so desperately

    i love myself

    i feel very good about this passion image like a telle novela

    i was brought up to passion

    and pain

    and i love passion

    and i bring JOY!!! thihs is me and im a lil kid and innocence and vulnerability and “dumbness” naivete



    baby daria

    i ahve passion and joy

    goo goo gaga


    i feel so “aww cute” and weird to be thinking about this “in front of you all”

    what’s going haha

    my mind is going on a trip

    oh must be the ganja

    or just me

    feeling good

    my inner baby feels good!!!

    now how many times do you get to say that?

    a million and one timese another milllion and one times factorial

    as many times as stars in teh sky, sands in the dunes, drops of water in the ocean



    thank you

    i love you cosmic child baby

    i feel the pain… idont know from where i feel it heavy

    thank you for that past lovely moment cosmic child baby daria even tho i feel all keeled over and in pain and slipping off now

    into feelng a lil more “normal” which was less than feeling like a happy baby

    ill just keep writing and see what comes out

    what happens


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:07pm

  340. 340: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh yeah i reread. the pain cuz i didnt believe it was true, what i was telling cosmic joy baby.

    that the world is all happy and stuff all the time

    i want to believe the world is happy all the time.

    i love myself

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:08pm

  341. 341: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    that woudl feel scary.

    but i want it anyway and i love myself

    and i choose to trust myself.

    here we go.

    im gonna do the ask and receive process

    i feel terrified.

    cross fingers.

    im gonna “allow it to be possible even tho i dont believe its possible”

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:11pm

  342. 342: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, I wrote about seeking…and your post popped up. You may be one I shared a prickly energy with, but I see that I too can hear many voices now, and see amazing things in each one that I didn’t see before. You helped me to do that. Thank you.

    I love the fact that we had a truce and we walked that line and then we stepped over it and now I hear you feel sad and I can feel sad because you’re sad. It’s a special place I can go with people I am close to, so somehow we are close. And I hope you can be with your sadness and not tap it away…..cuz change often brings sadness – even change for the better, and you are changing. A brighter day’s coming….smile…


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:13pm

  343. 343: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    umm… that felt different than usual.

    i feel like crying now.


    now i feel overwhelmed…


    initially when i did it: i felt very matter of fact. even when i said it

    “a part of my being already knows that the world is happy all the time.”

    it sounded like duh its the truth. it sounded like a very differnt part of me than usually sounds like. it sounded like… not even duh. just like a schoolkid who is asked to spell house or something. like
    i know how to spell that. h o u s e.

    there was no resistance… almost a pull. almost like i wasnt even trying to change. it felt weird. i feel weird now.. i feel very surprised and suspicious about how easily that went.

    like, usually, i kinda have to push to ge tthe words out… and theres energy moving, pinching different parts of me, my shoulder, my eye twiches, my toe tingles

    this time… it felt like i was saying. h o u s e. so matter of fact

    everything went FAST

    like it was done before i knew, but even before i started saying it. like, the shift was already done when i started and it was just no resistance

    it was just stating the obvious

    it is obvious that the world is happy all the time

    i feel confused

    and weird

    i also have a tear falling down my face

    surely this means it shifted at a deep level

    i musta had an inner tetonic shift deeply

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:17pm

  344. 344: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – absolutely!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:26pm

  345. 345: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    but seriously, it is pretty obvious and i thought of the evidence as i was saying it while i was saying it, so thats why it was so matter of fact

    cuz somewhere, right now on this earth
    someone is happy

    probably a buncha someones

    probably a whole buncha us out there

    and were gonna grow

    adn im one of them right now

    we gonna reach that critical tipping point…

    and we’re gonna “evolve” en masse

    to being happy

    no Exctacy needed


    go humanity


    go star people

    go earth peopole

    go cloud people

    tree peiople

    jaguar people dog people

    love people

    war bouce compete and brave and embrace death people

    happy happy people


    its like the matrix

    is coming down from sanctuary

    and coming over into our world
    and integrating

    into our energy system

    oh cool

    like the kingdom of heaven!

    that is very cool

    i love how all religions are the same

    this feels delightful

    like math

    i see the hologram


    blow the horns

    sound the trumpets


    now ay

    thats in the bible

    its like a castle

    with lil red flags

    thats what i was talking about

    and then its in the bible

    sooooo cool and crazy im speaking prophecies noww hehehheee

    i love me

    prophetess philosophix priestess… oooh this one thrills and scares meeeee

    i love magic life of goddess

    i cant believe i get to choose

    i can believe i can belive

    language is braided like knots

    in hair and mozarella

    unravel for me and spin a spell and swirl across to reach and touch

    what shall we touch?

    i feel bored out there hehe

    and hungry for my string…

    don’t reach out… its masculine… and i felt a loss of energy egch


    pull back star ray

    innner hide in shame. i feel ashamed! i treid to be masucline!

    i feel ashamed! im always trying to be msacuilne ! i feel confused ! freaked ougt! ugh

    i cant do this! i have to set an example lol!

    theyre gonna be like what di dwe telal u

    it doesnt work

    this masculine femieninge thing

    yes it does
    yes it does

    omg it does

    i love me anyway

    im glad i got thru that

    hid from the tomatoes behind this crate over here

    i love me
    crawling on hands and knees

    on stage

    while people are pelting me

    with my pretty purple short hair wig

    and black fishnets

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:27pm

  346. 346: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes in #201 – fabulous!

    My wonderful kids are adopted – they have reached teenagehood and got very angry the other day with me when I said to someone that they were adopted. And they had every right to be angry! I felt so badly and am learning as well, that very few people need to know that. There is no need for me to really talk about my past and Rori made it clear to me that I didn’t need to explain the circumstances of the missing father. I feel so liberated! I don’t need to tell my whole story to everyone. Your insight is so powerful. It is so liberating not to talk about the past and to focus only on the right now and plans for my future. Thank you for sharing your insight.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:34pm

  347. 347: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tapping dear Goddesses, does not make emotions go away, or clear them away…

    it relaxes our bodies, and its a trained way to communicate with our bodymind, our ability-to-do-it-all of our godessness

    its like taking a dive deep inside… so each emotion is Felt… honored… its like a daily ride of life, fast, in an inner journey… that might feel like a decade worth of living has been lived

    its a magical journey, by touching the magic spots in our bodies, and lighting them on firey swirls…

    and speaking words of our pain, joy, wisdom, imaginings.

    magic we wish to make and sights we wish to feel… new things … guidance… power… healing…

    its a way to grab our power in the fist and hiyah it across the universe, and back , in a boomerang

    or just a way to hold ourselves more deeply

    its honoring my body to tap into its sweet rivers of energy swirls, and give them my love and attention

    the base:

    i love and accept

    i choose

    i love

    i forgive


    i’ll add i celebrate

    and tell you how it goes

    i am the goddess of mischief.

    i tease and i giggle and leave

    and poke your heart

    and make you say hey

    and be lost

    and cry a little

    because its fun to cry

    and laugh a lot more

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:37pm

  348. 348: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Lizzie! yay Mercedes for being heard! yay for helping and getting helped and changing our lives the way we want to, and “the greatest gift you can give her women is let her be in charge of her life ” thing and yay

    yay to power freedom happiness

    wild horseyness

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:41pm

  349. 349: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jaqueline — It’s soooooo nice to be missed!

    I finally broke things off with cougar man today…a week or so ago, I was starting to have actual feelings for him and he took an emotional step back. I freaked out a little, but was much better about it than I had been in the past, but I’m still working on replacing the belief that men leave when I start to care about them and it’s proving to be a difficult task, but I continue working on it. It may have had as much to do with my refusal to be exclusive with him as anything else, but it still felt like the repitition of an old pattern.

    I am thankful, at least, that didn’t have a total melt down (only a partial one:-), so I guess that’s progress.

    The past 2 weeks I’ve been seeing “Blondie” — a guy that has much more in common w/me than cougar man, at least on paper. My concern with him, as great as he is, is that he doesn’t make me laugh and that’s concerning. I’m trying to give it time to develop, but I’m definitely keeping my options open for a while…

    Looking forward to catching up with more of you wonderful sirens in the coming days!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:43pm

  350. 350: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    that said, the end result could be seen… as EFT clearing the emotions… but there’s never a hollow feeling or a feeling of something lost, but always something gained… all is honored all is felt all is loved and accepted… after all that’s the setup phrase.


    any emotions that could be cleared… were stagnant and hurting and beging for help… oh i love you poor grabby emotions like zombie hands out of the dead people lake

    love you love you


    you come on out


    no you

    when i think of a new thingy i might make a net to get a whole buncha them out at once

    ymmy naked muddy emotions all gross like zombie fish smells running covered with seaweed to hide yourselves poor babies

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 7:44pm

  351. 351: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, what Daria said. Nothing has gotten me more in touch with and honoring my feelings than tapping …

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:03pm

  352. 352: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    I listen intently to what my body is saying all the time. I trained myself to do this with tapping. If more people did this, there wouldn’t be any more dis-ease … the body is telling us all the time how to heal it, what’s out of balance … just few people listening

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:04pm

  353. 353: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    I’m getting angrier and angrier. After what I wrote, the answer from this guy was “I read your message. Sorry about that.”

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:06pm

  354. 354: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Barb in Oz – you will never believe what I did! I called this woman who owns and runs a dating event organization. I was talking about my experiences with speed dating and on-line dating and my progress. Here response was very interesting…she said that the speed dating process works well with young people. They have fun, enjoy meeting people quickly and she said the young men like the quick introduction, size up and move on. She also said that they more typically end up hanging out and using the event to expand their circle. Then on to on-line – she said the same thing…better suited to young people and they tend to have more success. She said that “circular dinners” work well with the “older” crowd because we tend to prefer to engage in deeper conversations and tend to be more open to getting beyond pure physical attraction. She was not surprised by my on-line eperiences and said that she hears over and over that it is exceptionally difficult to actually meet the person. I thought it an intersting take on our earlier discussion on online dating for our age group.

    She was also saying that different “agencies” attract a different clientel so to be aware of that when signing up to events. Consider what part of town they are in, what type of event, time of the week etc. has an influence on how the event goes.

    What I am getting as a message, try everything, manage expectations, do a bit of background homework before deciding on the venue to try. I am going to try-out the “circular dinner” event later in the month.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:08pm

  355. 355: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell – Oops! I am missing what you wrote to your man in the first place.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:13pm

  356. 356: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    daria i felt peaceful relaxed joyful reading your poetic description of tapping. beautiful. thank you.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:14pm

  357. 357: RagnellNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie it’s somewhere above. Scroll up to find it.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:32pm

  358. 358: lmNo Gravatar says:


    this makes me wanna tap.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:32pm

  359. 359: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oooh im so excited! i just had a first IM conversation with a man… and i feel so good about how i handled my triggers… money, men role woman role, woh pays, his corniness – i laughed at him lol but didnt say he was corny – and then he laughed at me for saying i wanted to be married… mirror!! and ended with him asking for My number

    i tried a lot of new things… to say… that felt real and i felt feminine and stayed feminine.

    i really like how i did this!! wooo hooo!

    i am learning i am progressing!

    this is like a very typical convo for me, and i feel so pleased that this went so smooth!


    Here is the convo:


    hey sexy
    cai get to know you
    can i


    whats your name
    my name is dMAN2 [names have been changed to protect the innocent]

    my name is Daria

    do you have any kids
    where do you live at
    in [***YOUR DADDY’s TOWN :P]

    what do you do for a liven


    what is that…

    well i feel embarassed i guess
    im tryina figure it out to y i was trippin
    but yeah im not working right now

    it okay
    do you live alone

    this is kina feelin like an interview
    at first it was fun but now i feel bored

    how am i going to get to know you if i dont ask

    i dono

    i really want to get to know you

    how come

    you like my type of lady’

    like what
    how is that

    you look like a down to earth female
    it could just be a look tho
    but i want to find out

    im feelin unsure
    i wanna kno more about u too

    what do you want to know…

    tell me more

    and y u feelin unsure

    i dono
    oh yah cuz the interview thingy
    im not trippin tho
    i feel glad you want to kno me

    that’s whats up
    so what do you like to do for fun

    i like chillin smokin
    always feels nice
    im at the computer i like writing
    and reading stuff
    and dancing feels good
    i like eating
    and going out and meeting people

    well i like do do all that stuff to….but ur kissing one thing

    im kissing one thing?


    what u


    i feel confused now




    maybe you can come with money
    i feel kinda weird tho


    youre a man

    YES I AM

    i bet youre good at makin money
    or if not you will be


    {ladies i must say, on the rewrite. i am laughing out loud here!!! haha!!! it was soo easy… like baiting a troll on lord of the rings! “i AM good at it.” beats chest!!! loool!!!!! i’ve never said anything close to this money convo before }

    i am psychic


    wat u psychic too




    i will have to see how i feel


    thas wasup
    i feel excited to hear that
    thats what i want


    i feel pretty sure of myself
    someties i feel insecure tho
    i am doin my best tho an really im pretty awesome lol


    it would feel nice to talk to u


    i dont like calling men tho


    ummm… i feel amused
    you are silly




    im laughin


    talkin about cause we both wanna be somebody ro be with somebody


    hmm i feel scared when i think about it and i feel juiced too like thats something i want to do in life for sure
    get married and have a family


    now you’re loling


    mm i feel scared
    im still just learning
    how to get there
    im almost there tho
    i can feel it
    coming in the air tonite… hold onnn…
    i been waitin for this moment for all my life… hold onnn
    hold onn


    i like bein told that
    i dono why
    i guess i like bein crazy an funny
    im hi right now
    i feel good


    i dont like calling guys


    cuz i like it when a guy makes all the moves and stuff


    that will feel cool
    im at 1 800 GODDESS

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:42pm

  360. 360: lmNo Gravatar says:


    sweet. i had a conversation with a man about planning dates recently and he said ‘i want you to come up with ideas to please me. i have to do all the work.’ and i said ‘i don’t want to be your boyfriend. i am a girl.’ and he said ‘yeah, that is stupid to ask of you. you are right.’

    i felt scared and bitchy to have said it but now i think i can never go back to not saying it in the future.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:48pm

  361. 361: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ok then he texted me …

    and his text-signature was “if u look u took”

    now i suspected this boy was like a pimp, or a mack, or you know, a lot of these boys out here are into that, i was into it etc…

    so usually with these guys, which is typicalll… they get really triggered about expecting them to be chivalrous with money… cuz you know they are tyring to be theh player

    so i anyway being aware of that they are still men

    so this time i was able to speak my feelings and speak clearly about money… notice how he brough it up first which triggerd me and then we worked thru it to feeling good.

    so the text i said..

    lol! if you look you took … uhoh i feel funny i don’t want to be pimped im not into that

    what do you think?

    and he wreits back

    i just want to be friends


    im getting so GOOD at this!

    boy-playa-pimp training can’t see my Godess training



    and so thats how you break a young pimp these days
    pop my colla

    haha i feel teary eyed from excitement at winning this fun game

    and its great for both of us

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:48pm

  362. 362: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Ragnell – I think I found it – #129?
    And his reaction was #357?

    Oh my goodness….I feel a great deal of pain in your message. Seems this relationship has come to a close. A train-smash by chance?? I am feeling a great deal of pain here. I am terribly sorry I have no word of comfort. It feels like a true blue walk away now – too much pain here. I am so very sad.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:51pm

  363. 363: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    haha i felt afraid and guilty and weird like Mercedes would say — sorry Mercedes, random thought/guess in my head — its not a GAME.

    and im like, yeah what am i so thrilled about WINNING
    i dont want to win on men


    i want to WIN his affection

    not by winning tho

    but by being attractive

    im winning the im very attractive game

    and that feels pretty damn thrilling


    i love feeling attractive and i refuse to feel ashamed

    i love my rebeliionsness

    maybe this ia bout my mom

    i don o i feel confused and tightened


    aha thesa are TRAUMA reacitons… i remmeber us talking about his, but i didnt realize these everyday ones might be th esame ting


    htis felt weird now i got all elongated and my back is tingly

    energy just left me up the top of my spine

    bye entity!

    thank you!!
    have fun on your journey

    my eyes are watering i feel pulled over anad stretched

    i love my feelings

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:53pm

  364. 364: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    IM – yeah!!! and what i’ve found is that if i do go back to nto saying it, i feel resentful , knowing that i could be treated better
    and men want us to ensure we’re treated “better”

    tell meee what you want ♪

    tell meeee wat you need ♪♪

    tell me if it aint good enuf for you babye ♪♪

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:55pm

  365. 365: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ BarbinOz….

    I’ve always wondered about this – because it is what I did and keep preaching about! lol….and Rori just posted it -– “This is just your first date of many. First internet dates are meet-and-greets – shouldn’t be dinner (but you’ve already set it up…) should just be coffee or walking dates – no more than an hour so you’re not committed past that…If he said he’s willing to drive to you – MEET him at the restaurant close to you because you don’t know who he is. Later on, you can meet him in the city…but for now, let him come to you. Love, Rori”

    totally right on – less than an hour, leave them wanting more, make them come to you….etc. exactly what I did and that feels good!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 8:59pm

  366. 366: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Lizzie….feeling better? loving your advise voice! You should totally be the advice columnist @ Liveyourdreamblog.com! grins….

    g’nite all, sleep well….
    dream and create….


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:01pm

  367. 367: lmNo Gravatar says:

    yeah. i would have never ever said that before because i thought it would have scared the guy away and (probably) I DIDN’t REALLY BELIEVE I WAS THE GIRL (woah! something to do EFT on there)…i always thought i had to work for everything, every little scrap, had to put up with things that made me feel sad or mad or disrespected.

    i am an entirely different woman now. i can even tell a guy i want to get married and have kids pretty early early on, whereas i was so afraid before and i so thought i wasn’t really worthy of that stuff that i didn’t talk about it with a guy i dated for EIGHT YEARS. i recently told a guy that i work with that i’ve been into (it’s mutual) for years that i want kids. that’s a huge breakthrough for me. admitting to myself (and then others) that it’s okay to want real things like that. it’s not bad. i can have it. it makes me feel sad i ever thought differently about myself.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:06pm

  368. 368: lmNo Gravatar says:

    and the guy who wanted me to plan dates then picked me up and took me to the movies. i said i felt like going to see a show and so he texted me and picked the movie, showed up at my work to get me and took me to the theatre. then he gave me a kiss when he took me home (i didn’t go to his place because i felt tired).

    ask and ye shall receive.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:15pm

  369. 369: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    lm, that’s awesome.

    the words “i’m stubborn” started ringing in my ears tonight after a fairly tumultuous day. a big smile crept over my face. I love my stubbornness. I don’t want to beat myself up anymore about it or feel guilty because i am stubborn either. I’m not really sure why I was even doing that in a first place. I’m awesome because I’m stubborn. Duh!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:20pm

  370. 370: lmNo Gravatar says:

    some other things i feel like receiving (let’s see if this works):

    -a raise
    -to get my last short story published
    -magic guitar solo abilities
    -a tattoo
    -a surprise party, just once in my life

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:23pm

  371. 371: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am incredibly powerful. that is why/because people are inexplicably drawn to me.

    my negative voices are so strong. i must be a firey powerfulness to contain such strong and powerful things. that feels amazing.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 9:35pm

  372. 372: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    330: Daria says:

    Nikita – how did you deal when they did kiss you, start to make love to you…

    and you initially felt kinda neutral and icky…

    like… ew a lot of spit… mhm i feel like giggling..


    in the past i’ve kinda feel like throwing up and my body recoils when certain men start to make love to me (even when they were my lover before)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 5:33pm

    Hi Daria,

    I feel sleepy but I am going to answer this question……somehow 😉

    Um…. One tried kissing me on the first date…so I turned my face and served up my cheek and a hug….along with a giggle….the entire time we were at lunch I kept thinking….ha! This dude is really trying to woo me! Omg! I’m gonna have to tell him he’s probably never going to get a chance to swim in these waters….ha !! 😉
    Well we kissed maybe two months after dating….. And whoa! Let’s call him whiTe lightening….I felt a bolt run down my toes….that was a deep kiss…but the peck was where we started…he was so happy….I couldn’t help it he was so patient with me and chivalrous….and complimented me on my fave shoes (which were not heels btw) so I was feeling super turned on that he shared my good taste :)

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:39pm

  373. 373: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Then there is the other guy who was an even bigger surprise……I just thought this dude was corny….like KornBawl lol!!! He was so perky and kinda scrawny…mildly dashing but not at all as masculine as what I was interested in…..he got kissed earlier because he would steel little quick pecks that were more annoying than anything, I remember staring at him on our dates thinking c’mon dude get real! Who the F- are you? Are you real or a cardboard cutout of some cartoon? Like do you even have a c*ck? I mean you can’t be a virgin but I couldn’t even imagine this guy having sex AT ALL!
    Well after many months and two different starts…something clicked……I was so ready to move on and I felt respect for him…..I felt safe….I felt seen……and I felt horny….so even though his pecks felt like a 7 year old crush playin spin the bottle or something with the big kids….I made out with him one night and his cuddle game was off the chain!!!!! He fit around my body so wonderfully…..I did not want to get out of his bed in the morning but I had too much to do…..well…
    The next time we hooked up I felt excited!!!!…..it wasn’t long after that that we went “all the way”. I have never been ravished the way he ravished me….completely and utterly devoured me in every sense of the word…..I could definitely spend the rest of my life wrapped up in his arms…..I don’t know for sure if he could be my happily ever after in all ways….but in the one way I could not conceive he set a new standard…….fortunately the feeling was/is mutual….. But I’m busy with someone else at the moment….
    My point is I felt SURPRISED….. I felt like slapping somebody 😉

    My LI now is way different…..and good in other ways….they are opposites but when it comes to surprising me…..it’s all the same

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 10:59pm

  374. 374: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Haha….I wrote steel!

    I meant steal…..as in “stolen kisses”

    But steel is mildly appropriate….omg……TMI


    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:01pm

  375. 375: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    “Something” triggered an almost anxiety attack today while I was driving in the city blah! I need some sleep, sleep would feel good for my body. I love my feels of anxiety. I feel angry too, that Im not DOING enough for myself blah to that too!

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:29pm

  376. 376: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I went to see my daughter, she broke up with her “boyfriend” quit smoking ciggies, quit smoking pot and is walking 40 minutes to work everyday, omg! I just love her, I looked at her shoes and her shoes were pretty worn out awe, I feel sad. She said she THINKS she can finally make it on her own SNIFF, I feel sad and proud. She is 23 yrs old. Oh and she waxed my eyebrows perfectly :)

    She got over her boyfriend in two days she said, and is meeting lots of new people and is enjoying her life. I told her she will feel lonely but thats ok too , she said no I dont feel lonely , only for two days, we laughed.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:40pm

  377. 377: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I bought her coffee, we chatted. She wants to have her own business rather than work for a cosmetics chain, I spoke with her boss, she said my daughter is hers now sniff.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:43pm

  378. 378: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I can help her with her business plan, at the very least. I can make her business plan hehe but is that doing to much? I dunno we’ll see.

    Tuesday, 7 September 2010 @ 11:52pm

  379. 379: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My son is a train wreck that happened a couple of times, god love him :) so defiant and full of questions and pissed off at the world for not having cures for diseases but having the ability to block sun rays and a pot head sorta.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:04am

  380. 380: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    He’s starting grade 11 tomorrow and already giving me grief for buying him new clothes :(

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:07am

  381. 381: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like a mother hen, but I did manage to walk like a goddess, and I noticed I turned some heads, as a matter of fact, when I walked down the stairs to the cafeteria where my daughter works, I was like oh yeah :) ALL heads turned hehe dont look to hard *smile

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:18am

  382. 382: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Her boyfriend KNEW that something changed and called her to tell her tht he wants to marry her. sounds kinda like she is cd’ing but with no tools, I feel sad about this, I want to help her :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:30am

  383. 383: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My son wants to study law and psychology and wants to get more involved with photography. I said to him, let’s just get through grade 11 please, we’re going to do the photography boot camp this year, he missed summer , the next one starts march break. My daughter and I think he would do great modeling but he doesnt think so, we think underwear model lol but yeah, he thinks were making fun of him.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:44am

  384. 384: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    I feel pretty overwhelmed by the openness and level of sharing of emotions here. So many of the comments touch something inside me and it all just wants to burst out like a volcano.

    I came here because I know I have to change something in some kind of behaviour pattern, or in thinking pattern. I learned, that if I want to really change something, sometimes I have to listen to the people that offend me most, the ones that make me angry, the ones that seem to be my enemies. Those people often tell me what I need to hear, but resent, rather then what I want to hear in order to strengthen myself in my position.
    (The first change I made is to rewrite the above by replacing all the “you” with “I” – feels totally different. But why do I feel like I have to explain myself?)

    So far I’ve only dated guys, when I was sure I knew what to expect. I had a very clear intuition and it was very hard to surprise me. I could pride myself in my fabulous intuition. Now I wonder: did I choose my date according to whom I could figure out? And if I couldn’t I simply wouldn’t date?

    Post # 133 Nikita – Be surprised – I felt that was an annoying post. Thank you for that! It annoyed me because I wanted to block it out, but I really hate surprises, and I love to stay in control.

    Nikita, obviously I got offended by your comments about the Israeli thing as well. I really did not want to make it an issue, but since I am here to change, I will.
    It is a fact that there are different behavioural codes in different cultures. You can act the same way but be interpreted completely different by people from different cultures. Also meeting someone from a different culture within your own cultural framework isn’t the same as actually going into that persons culture. In other words, meeting an Israeli (or Italian or Chinese or Arab or whatever) in America is not the same as living with them in their culture, because he (or she) will do his best to understand and adapt to local behavioural codes. He needs to, in order to be understood.
    In Israel there are people from many different cultural backgrounds, from oriental to Russian to Anglo Saxon and African and believe me, living here you have to be able to discern and adapt to these different codes, not only when it comes to dating. The differences can give reason for a lot of conflict and tension on all levels (and they do).
    I prefer to date Anglo Saxon men because it is just so much easier to get past those differences and there are much less misunderstandings. Mind you, my second husband was from a Moroccan family, so it’s not like I don’t know anything else. I also know the differences don’t ever go away, one just has to learn to deal with them.

    I feel that these different behavioural codes present an additional difficulty I have to deal with in this country.
    Now, what triggered me about you sharing your experience with the one Israeli the way you did, was that I felt you were playing that down. I said the whole “leaning back” strategy was not easy to apply and you tell everybody how easy it was for you to lean back with an Israeli. It felt like you are showing everybody (not me, because you didn’t address me directly) that I don’t know how to do it and I don’t know what I am talking about. Well, you know what? I don’t. That’s why I’m here.

    I know it’s difficult for everybody and everyone has their own reasons. I just want to feel that mine are being accepted, even though they may not be understood. If I can’t get that here, then where can I?

    So, Nikita, nothing personal. You brought a lot out of me.

    I am going to allow myself to be surprised – ah, how scary! And how exciting!

    Have a great day all of you…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:31am

  385. 385: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie #358

    Very interesting post, I have wondered since joining POF back in March this year whether it wasn’t better to be on a serious paid dating site where at least the people ACTUALLY wanted to meet rather than endless emails, and maybe lots of them are married, their wives are not going to find unexpected debits on their bank statements are they?? Funny enough POF has been advertising a new dating site of theirs these past few days called EVOW for people wanting serious relationships!!

    I was a paid member of match.com a few years back but found that to be full of Nigerian scammers, some even had platinum memberships (!!!) but I suppose it is an investment to them as they fleece women out of thousands of $$$, sounds unbelievable but one woman I read of had been done out of $40,000.00 USD!! These people are GOOD at what they do and hone on in vulnerable and lonely women….

    I do hope the “dinner party” thing is better in the USA than what it is here in Australia, mind you I am going back about 5 years to when my gf and I did the “David’s Dinner Party” thing here in Sydney, we thought we were onto a winner of available sexy men, my God what a disappointment that was, we still laugh about it to this day, all those lovely clothes we bought in anticipation and we only lasted one night LOL!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:04am

  386. 386: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – I had a similar experience with Match – I spotted it, and played but what a wast of money for me. I wasted money on:
    Single Parents
    Date a Golfer
    Lavalife – I had paid for this one for 18 months and didn’t have one match!

    I was on free sites:
    Plenty of Fish – met some interesting men
    OK Cupid (got matched with very interesting women!)
    Adult Friend Finder (this is funny)

    I might think of a dating service, but it is really pricy – have you thought of this in Oz?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 5:17am

  387. 387: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hello Nikita,


    heLLLOOOOOOO! Nikita!!!!

    what an amazing description 377 of surprise guy!

    and you’d rather be with someone else?

    or both?

    how does it work?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:37am

  388. 388: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hello, goodbye exclusivity. my man is wavering. it’s time for me to put my profile back online as he never took his off.

    what to say, what to say when he spots it? or talk to him first and then go back online?

    will you please help me with my speech? i’m gonna tell you sirens how i feel and then can you help me turn it around for him?

    I FEEL…

    wildly, crazily attracted to him – to his facial expressions, the sound of his voice, the things he says… wow.

    reckless and carefree and trying new things with him. i love my explorations.

    happy to just do nothing with him.


    is to be with a man who’s blowing hot and cold about me

    is to be waiting for Mr. Spontaneity to call and suddenly want to see me now.

    is to be taken for granted.

    is for him to lose interest because i’m always available.

    is to miss out on what i might have done if there had been some real plans happening, and i could plan around those plans.


    i can’t just say those things to him…

    night before last, we got together and he was distant at first. it was an evening that really agreed with me; i loved the weather and the colors and i didn’t let his mood affect mine. and he suddenly changed and started really getting in to me… talking into the future about things he wanted to do with me, etc.

    last night, he was “taking some time…”


    i liked dating around and being in control of my time. that won’t happen with exclusivity, but i didn’t picture the waiting.

    waiting for plans.
    having him call me and say, “i’m doing such-and-such. call you when i’m finished…” as if i’m sitting here, just waiting.


    not for me.

    now what?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:46am

  389. 389: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh. my profile was already hidden when we started actively dating… so putting it on now would be kind of a shocker. but, oh well… !!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:47am

  390. 390: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – yeah Mary Circle Dating!!! too much fun – you are too available!!! Where is Rori’s post about anchor and elastic band?? did you see that one? I will never get this right but will try – you are the anchor and he is the elastic band – moving away, bounce back, move away, bounce back – all normal – this guy likes you.

    The what to do – get busy CDing. Take yourself out, go to fitness class, go meet your friends for coffee, make your own plans. When he calls for a date and you are busy, well, guess what, you are busy.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:51am

  391. 391: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I am making me super yummy totally healthy yogurt.
    So it’s the high fat kind…who cares?
    700 billion active cells per one cup serving.
    Then yummy yogurt chicken.
    I look after me.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:01am

  392. 392: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel happy about Ryan!

    I confess, I have been really missing him, and I have been texting him or calling him almost every weekend, when missing him gets the better of me. On Sunday, Aug 29th, we had an especially positive text session, and I decided to fly on the power of that and renew my efforts at completely leaning back.

    I was rewarded just now! He was probably surprised he didn’t hear from me last weekend! He initiated texting to me! Here was the conversation:

    R: Are you doing ok?

    B: Yes, thank you! How are you?

    R: Doing ok.

    R: What have you been up to?

    B: Lots of swimming, walking, time with friends. I feel so thankful I still have the same job. What have you been up to?

    R: Just trying to get close to God and get healed. How have you been feeling?

    B: That’s awesome! I’m really feeling in love with God! On earth I feel so alone and lonely and leading a life so separate from you. I miss feeling close to you. How have you been feeling?

    R: Alright.

    I took the bulk of my last feeling message from a past one Rori posted. I really considered doing a feeling message about not wanting a text only relationship. I am just not sure if it is premature. This is the first time he initiated contacting me in a few months.

    I feel frustrated when I answer his questions fully and he just gives me something lame like “Alright” or “I’m doing ok”.

    I know this may seem trite to some people, but it’s really important to me, and I am still in love with Ryan. I welcome anyone’s feedback. Do you think I should respond again? If so, what would be an appropriate feeling message?

    If he initiates again in the future, would it be appropriate to give him this feeling message:

    “I feel sad… I don’t want a text only relationship. What do you think?”

    In the past, as in several months ago, I gave him a couple similar feeling messages, and he ignored them. He seemed to respond a week and a half ago when I told him how much I miss him. So that’s why I chose that feeling message. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:02am

  393. 393: maryNo Gravatar says:


    what wonderful insights everyone has had about your situation. i was totally surprised to hear that Bill was gay (and relieved, too, for some reason.)

    did anyone mention this? 141 maybe the woman who said she liked it before you were sitting near her meant just that? she liked her space. NOT ABOUT YOU. about her space. that’s what i thought when i read what she said. and her vibe was negative because she liked her space before you came. what she wanted was more good feelings of aloneness. more being able to not react or interact with anyone. more nothingness in her environment so her thoughts could roam.

    i must admit that i like my space, too. if anyone invades it, they might feel rejected. i need lots of space.

    just sayin’

    maybe it’s not about you.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:04am

  394. 394: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks again everyone for your sweet support and encouragement yesterday! I really appreciate you all! I chatted with Bill (Yes, I went to HIS desk) just before I left yesterday. I thot he might be feeling vulnerable about telling me he is gay. I said, “I’m just stopping by to say good night.”

    He said, “I stopped by your desk a little earlier, but you weren’t there.”

    “Just for the record, you’re a handsome hunk!”

    He put his hands on his belly and said, “Even with this??”

    “I look at the heart, and you have a beautiful heart. I mean, you’re handsome on the outside, too, but you are a real sweetheart!”

    He said, “Thank you. I really felt flattered when I got your email.”

    I said, “All else aside, you are one of my all-time favorite coworkers.”

    He said, “Aww, thank you! I really enjoy working with you, too, and we have a lot of fun. You really do a good job.”

    We chatted more than that, and, even tho I feel bad, I felt much better after chatting with him again, after it had had time to sink in. I feel I have a stronger ally at work than ever, and I really value that.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:07am

  395. 395: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary!

    Yes, you are probably right. I would want to remain alone if I had a desk in the back corner! I did sense a lot of judgmentalism at every turn, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt. Why not have generous thoughts toward her? I can just about hear her nasty voices, but then again, we all have emotional damage, right?

    Yes, I really felt blown away by everyone’s compassion and support. I felt a bit embarrassed about the whole thing before you all, but I reminded myself yet again that this whole process is largely about learning to love myself, even my weak, not-so-pretty parts!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:12am

  396. 396: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    For Ryan, how about, “I feel sad…I don’t want you to just say ‘alright'”?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:17am

  397. 397: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    hey brenda – that’s gotta feel good that ryan initiated. according to rori’s tools and programs, you would ideally let him ALWAYS initiate. i wouldn’t text him back after all he said is “alright”. it would be leaning forward when it’s his turn to initiate. i am not sure how to put it into words, and i may be on my own feeling this, but something about texting him about the quality of his response feels very needy.

    what do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:22am

  398. 398: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I could go either way :)

    There’s been some back and forth between the two….not much but enough where I can appreciate both of them. Initially 377 man was looking pretty pathetic in my eyes compared to Mr. 376…. Or whichever post it was. Then my perception became inverted and 377 became very desirable. And then it flipped back again! For me, this is where choosing to have the “relationship” instead of “a particular man” proves to be the prudent move( I love that word) when one or the other turns me off. . . .or on 😉
    I feel like I’m rambling……I adore both of them but I’m more curious to see how they either step up or not and if one doesn’t work out I already know there’s another man just as exciting…..and at the same time I feel open to someone new altogether…..I feel relieved that I don’t have to make the decision….why bother?
    Wait, actually I’d prefer the one that produces a ring. That would signal to me his intentions….
    I also would like that experience….to be properly engaged and sink into those feelings of being a couple not just “seeing someone”.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:35am

  399. 399: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, RE: #339 – You said, “…it struck me as kind of odd weeks ago when Bill told you Lady Gaga was his favorite artist.”

    At that time, I ran it by Kenny, who is strong masculine energy. He said, “There’s nothing wrong with that. I like Lady Gaga!” then he went on to comment on the shape of her pussy lips which are quite visible thru her skimpy clothing in her videos! LOL! So I didn’t think anything more of it. She is a talented artist.

    Yet yesterday Bill mentioned that as being an indication of his gayness.

    It’s possible my not knowing is a reflection of how I really haven’t been that deeply immersed into society.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:35am

  400. 400: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Of course, I know I am supposed to lean back all the time. I am doing much better, and I am growing by baby steps. I am doing my best.

    I will let the text convo rest. Yes, it is probably based in need, but what is in my mind when that frustrates me is how we logged sooo many hours last year in pillow talk. Ryan would ask me a probing question. I would respond in full. Then if I asked him the same question back, he would give me a canned answer like, “I don’t know”; “I haven’t really thought about it.”; “I guess so.”

    He always kept his heart of heart hidden. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stopped responding so deeply. I will never engage in a relationship again where I don’t know as much about a man as he knows about me. He is the most guarded person I ever encountered.

    So while it might look minor to you, it’s huge to me. He hardly ever shares anything deeply of himself.

    Next time he texts, do you think I should give the message about not wanting a text only relationship? He knows my true feelings all along here, ever since last November when he stopped seeing me. If he stopped getting MY true feelings by text, he would have to choose between seeing me face to face or not know anything about me.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:42am

  401. 401: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Looking back, I see it was just the ego that was insisting that a relationship move forward at a certain time … just like my life has moved forward in quantum leaps organically after I addressed lots of inner conflicts with HBR, so relationships are the same way … and trying to force them to fit a mold that they don’t want to grow into at a certain time does nothing but sabotage them …

    If I’m really honest about it, if a relationship is not moving toward commitment, it has nothing to do with HIM … it’s some inner conflict in ME that is resisting … and by putting the blame on him, I’ve given my power away, because all my power lies in changing myself …

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:43am

  402. 402: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda, Dorothea, Mary, Jennifer, and whoever else is here this morning. :)

    Brenda, what a cool convo with Bill! That feels so good to read and I hope it felt good to you to experience it.

    I love this line you wrote to Mary about the female co-worker: “Why not have generous thoughts toward her?” That feels so beautiful and healing and loving to me!

    Yay for Ryan initiating! I agree with what Dorothea wrote about where to go from here — if you are able and it agrees with your intuition.

    When I read the text convo, the thing that I noticed was that you were very quick to reciprocate with questions — something Rori recommends not doing so much of — and Daria taught me about that in several convos on here a few months ago — that it is good to just keep letting the guy ask about YOU, the goddess, and you keep responding with feeling messages about YOU — and then eventually you get around to asking how he’s doing. I also think I read somewhere that although asking how he is doing is okay, you should never ask how he is FEELING.

    So, this:

    R: Are you doing ok?

    B: Yes, thank you! How are you?

    Next time, leave out the “How are you?”

    And the “What have you been up to?”

    I like this: “I feel so thankful I still have the same job.”

    This — “Lots of swimming, walking, time with friends” — might be nicer with feelings added — such as, “Feeling relaxed swimming, energized by walking, feeling refreshed spending time with friends. :)”

    If you didn’t ask him how he was feeling, he wouldn’t have been able to write that lame, “Alright.” :)

    Rori says men want to see and hear us loving OURSELVES and then they will love us too. When you keep turning the focus back onto him, you lose that.

    BUT — you are doing great!! And it feels like something has shifted for you. Do you feel that, or is it just me? Lol.

    Love you!


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:43am

  403. 403: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    BarbinOz, RE: #332 – You said, “Brenda, WOW is all I can say. Once you are over the initial shock, Bill could turn out to be the best friend you ever had.

    What a relief you will feel when it sinks in that none of this is about YOU.”

    Thank you! Yes, I would really like that! I am going to just take baby steps, but we already have an 8 month friendship, and it would feel fantastic if I could bounce off relational stuff to him about other men! I’m not going to push that, but the thot crossed my mind. I’m just going to be a good friend to him.

    Thanks for the reminder that it’s not about me! :-)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:47am

  404. 404: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I feel a lil confused. Did you and your guy agree to be exclusive or not? If so, I would want to say to him, to start with, “I feel confused. I don’t want to feel confused about whether or not we are exclusive. What do you think?”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:47am

  405. 405: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    TN man likes Lady Gaga too, and he’s definitely not gay. He is, however, interested in anything that is “outside the box.”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:49am

  406. 406: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “Next time he texts, do you think I should give the message about not wanting a text only relationship?”

    My gut feeling says No, but it’s not my situation, so I would say go with YOUR gut feeling — if you know you can trust your gut. :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:52am

  407. 407: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning, Erika.

    I really love this: “… relationships are the same way … and trying to force them to fit a mold that they don’t want to grow into at a certain time does nothing but sabotage them …”

    It kinda goes along with what I keep coming back to regarding WH — “Trust him.” That’s what I keep hearing in my heart. Trust keeps my heart open to him and it keeps him from feeling pushed into a mold. It also respects him for who he is — and who he isn’t. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:57am

  408. 408: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    In regards to 133, I was feeling annoyed as all get out when I wrote it…..maybe your intuition picked up my own annoyance……

    I also dated an israeli from morocco :)
    I believe his parents moved there from israel but now they live in Paris….near his ex-wife and son…but he lives in NYC…..and travels back and forth to see his them…… He was very different from the other one I dated…. Well, they were both height challenged…ha!
    I once went with one for the traditional folk-dancing and the place was packed!! It looked so fun and different from the nightclub parties by the Israeli promoters…..but one involved vodka and the other didn’t …….either way….I wish you the best here and everywhere you are.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:59am

  409. 409: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I also like what Lizzie wrote to you. Great reminders, Lizzie! :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:00am

  410. 410: maryNo Gravatar says:

    So Lucy and Lizzie and anyone else… !!!

    think i should put my profile back up? i keep doing it, then hiding it, then doing it, then hiding it…


    i feel like i’m still waiting.

    and i am very busy.

    he talked about it being time to get more physical. i said i wanted to get tests first. (does anyone else ever do that?) so i went to the doctor. he did not. and i said it would mean taking his profile off… and he said, “absolutely,” but then didn’t. and i said that i eventually wanted to get married and just asked if he’d ever be up for that and he said yes. and we got physical anyway. oh. mistake! but i forgive myself.

    and now… backing away a bit.

    mmmmmmm… i’d give WHAT for the perfect body?

    okay, to the gym…

    and the other night we had an amazing evening and watched a movie. he wanted to stay over. i said no.

    hmmm… i’m so out of my element here.

    i knew this would happen once i got into 2nd and 3rd tier dating. 1st and 2nd dates were a piece of cake. all about who pays. now, the tricky stuff…

    what do you all think? profile or not? without talking to him first?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:13am

  411. 411: maryNo Gravatar says:

    he’ll probably call today. not sure what to tell him…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:15am

  412. 412: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I don’t think his texting you is minor, even if he hadn’t logged all those hours with you last year. I mean, I overanalyze every text a man sends me. What does it mean? What does it mean that he texted and didn’t call? What does it mean that it’s 11 pm and not a decent hour? What does it mean that he’s sneaking texts from work v. texting me on his break? what does it mean that he is saying short responses, or long ones????? None of that sh*t feels minor. I feel relieved now understanding that no matter how major it feels, or minor, or how long i have known him, or not known him, the basic feminine principle of leaning back always applies:)

    I noticed you seemed like you wanted to remind me that you “know” that you’re supposed to lean back. I just want you to know that when I present my opinions about how to go about things the Rori way on the Rori blog, I like putting it in the context of the general concept. It’s not because I don’t think you know that. It’s because I take pride in my intellectual integrity. Promise!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:19am

  413. 413: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Now, I have something I would like feedback on, if anyone feels moved. Lol. It’s not a big deal, but I’m just very curious about it….

    What do you all think about synchronicity vs. meaningless coincidence?

    That is, are surprising coincidences sometimes meaningless or do they always mean something?

    Here’s the coincidence in question:

    The other night, when WH and I were texting, he said something that was ever-so-slightly provocative (sexually). Then he wrote, “Oops.”

    I wrote, “Oops? Lol. Is that all you have to say for yourself? Lol.”

    He wrote, “You don’t want to know what I have to say! I’d lose my halo again!”

    (The halo comment was in reference to something I had said about a month ago.)

    I wrote, “I do want to know what you have to say. To hell with halos!”

    He wrote, “How did we ever get on the church track?”

    I wrote, “Lol. What do you mean?”

    Him: Not really sure.

    (I still don’t know what he meant by the church comment, and apparently he’s not sure, either! If any of you has a clue, I’d love to hear it!!!)

    Anyway, here’s the coincidence part:

    The next day I was mopping the kitchen floor while listening to the radio. I started thinking about that halo/church convo — just kinda remembering it and smiling a lil and also wondering what he meant with the church part —

    And suddenly, a brand new song came on the radio — it was new, and it was the first time I ever heard it — and the lyrics (when it got to the chorus) immediately caught my attention:

    Let’s run away
    Where nothing stands between me and you
    Let’s find a place
    Somewhere a little closer to a dream
    And call it a home
    Where there’s no right and wrong
    And we can be all alone

    And I’ll take off my halo
    If you take off your wings.
    You don’t have to be invincible
    Cause I sure ain’t no saint
    You’ll always be my angel
    No matter what you do,
    Cause you take me to heaven just by being you

    Tell me a secret
    Tell me things no one else should know
    Even in your weakness
    Baby drop your guard just let it go
    Until everything’s exposed
    And you don’t have to feel ashamed
    Baby just say my name

    And I’ll take off my halo
    If you take off your wings.
    You don’t have to be invincible
    Cause I sure ain’t no saint
    You’ll always be my angel
    No matter what you do,
    Cause you take me to heaven just by being you

    When I see you standing there
    You know it all becomes so clear
    The way you look
    The way you touch
    I need the way you lift me up
    This will never feel complete
    Until there’s nothing in between
    And we have brought down every wall
    And baby, baby, baby lets just fall

    And I’ll take off my halo
    If you take off your wings.
    You don’t have to be invincible
    Cause I sure ain’t no saint
    You’ll always be my angel
    No matter what you do,
    Cause you take me to heaven just by being you

    You take me to heaven
    Just by being you

    Let’s run away
    Let’s run away


    I was stunned by the coincidence!

    What do you think? Meaningless coincidence or meaningful synchronicity?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:22am

  414. 414: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #406 – You said, “the thing that I noticed was that you were very quick to reciprocate with questions — something Rori recommends not doing so much of…”

    Thank you for your encouragement, and yes, I am shifting quite deeply in many ways! Thank you for noticing!

    I am aware Rori says not to reciprocate questions…in a normal case. This is NOT a normal case. This is a case where, in the past, I did NOT reciprocate questions, because I could tell he was uncomfortable with that, and he was hiding a nest of evil spirits that attacked me worse than I’ve ever been attacked.

    I have promised myself I will never reveal more of myself than what a man is revealing. This is a fundamentally VERY unhealthy relationship that I do not want UNLESS it turns around. So I am fine-tuning my relational style with him.

    I don’t know if Erika’s most recent post was directed to me, but if trying to get him to say more than “Alright” is forcing the relationship, then my alternative is this…

    Next time he texts me, I will say I don’t want a text only relationship. And not answer ANY of his questions, beyond “fine”, because it is not fair that he is constantly delving into my heart and will not open his. I have proven beyond proof that he can trust me. So that is no longer an issue between us.

    If he is not willing to open up to me, then there can be no friendship. What do you think?

    Also, I ask how he’s feeling because altho he is verifiably NOT gay (:-) ), he has high feminine energy. It is a constant challenge to outgirl him. But I do ask how he feels because he is very feeling-based, as we are.

    I believe this is what Rori talks about when she says to experiment and find YOUR own use for the tools. I am dealing with a VERY toxic man here.

    And I am deeply in love with him. Still. So I am trying to be cautious. Like Ryan says, “Feelings are everything.” If he won’t share with me his feelings, he is not telling me where HE is at. It is not fair for me to tell him where I am at over and over when he gives me no compass at all. Right?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:23am

  415. 415: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel confused by this….I agree with it but is this in reference to VG or any man…all men?
    I agree about something in a woman shutting down and thereby deflecting commitment but since not everyone is attracted to everybody I feel a little curious about what you’re expressing here;

    ” If I’m really honest about it, if a relationship is not moving toward commitment, it has nothing to do with HIM … it’s some inner conflict in ME that is resisting … and by putting the blame on him, I’ve given my power away, because all my power lies in changing myself …”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:24am

  416. 416: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, how many dates have you had with him?

    I feel bad reading, “mmmmmmm… i’d give WHAT for the perfect body?” — as if you are feeling your body was the reason he backed away??? That feels bad and untrue. :(

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:28am

  417. 417: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Erika, I’m wondering about that, too. Why is his inability to commit my fault? Some guys really are commitment phobes.


    I feel helpless! Standing at the shore, waving goodbye to the boat that’s going out on the water (where I want to be) without me.

    Without me…

    i played it wrong?

    i know. there’re other guys out there. but this one is special. oh…

    he’s been “taking time” for three or four days this week…

    Lizzie, were you suggesting just going out with other people and circular dating in that regard? just being busy? getting into things? or were you suggesting going out with other guys? i’m not sure he’s going out with other women, but possibly… maybe… and he’s surely feeling a bit trapped. that doctor thing is a big hurdle. how does everyone else do it?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:30am

  418. 418: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, Thank you! I’m with ya!

    Lucy, Wow!!! Meaningful synchronicity! Holy hook-up! Did you send him the lyrics to that song? I can’t wait to hear it! I love it!

    For years, I’ve said to men, “My horns hold up my halo!” :-)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:32am

  419. 419: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yes, it’s probably untrue. my body is really okay. i could be a bit thinner, but only five or ten pounds, so i’m probably fine.

    we’ve been out quite a bit… three or four months… a little at first, then escalating, then every day… a couple of overnighters… (mistake ??? !!!… i don’t know!)

    not sure how to handle this new territory for me. exciting and exploratory. and wonderful! yes! but how to get sexual without exclusivity??? ! i don’t think i want that. i can’t be that casual with my precious jewels…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:33am

  420. 420: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I just want to throw up reading those lyrics…..ugh……my post about 377 is my personal winker hottie who I gave certain attributes to……not a halo but very close….and my name means winged victory so please pass the barf bag…..ugh,

    I’m feeling a little triggered I guess……that song is too much….blech!

    There are no coincidences…..blech!
    Everything is ordained according to some schools of thought and/or faith….. I still feel queasy after reading those lyrics!!!!

    But I’m that girl that was tortured by that Titanic song….I won’t even elaborate but we all know the song……ugh….
    Blech, blech, blech!!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:34am

  421. 421: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Here’s the video of your song, “Just By Being You”:


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:35am

  422. 422: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol, Brenda! Thanks for voting on my question of the day. :) No, I did NOT send him the lyrics!!! And if I ever even HINT that I intend to do so, I hope Sirens will fall out of the sky from around the world to tie my hands together so I cannot do it!!! :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:37am

  423. 423: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I love that song! It’s about being real with someone, letting down your defenses. I want to share it with Ryan, if the time is right. Right now it wouldn’t be appropriate.

    Was my feeling message to Ryan over the top?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:37am

  424. 424: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    holy sugary crap, batwomen, my LI just sent me a love poem. It started out with a couple of cheesy lines, but it developed into this great metaphor and ends with such definitive closure that he loves me.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:38am

  425. 425: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Awesome! Will you share it with us?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:40am

  426. 426: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Send it! Send it!

    The Queen of Overfucktioning, I mean, Overfunctioning

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:41am

  427. 427: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, so I would say (if it were me), what I wrote earlier, with an addition, “I feel confused. I don’t want to feel confused about whether or not we are exclusive. I don’t want to have sex outside an exclusive relationship. What do you think?”

    And maybe you could throw in some uplifting good-feeling messages like, “It feels so good being with you” blah blah blah. :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:41am

  428. 428: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Send it! Send it!

    The Queen of Overf*cktioning, I mean, Overfunctioning

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:41am

  429. 429: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Great (fearful sarcasm), now Brenda is going to make it easy for me to torture myself with this song whose lyrics inspire me to barf….sweet.

    Excuse me as I mosey on over to the link barf bag in tow….

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:41am

  430. 430: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    lucy, i can personally promise to duct table your hands and mouth together since you asked so nicely if you ever hint at leaning forward with those song lyrics, haha.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:42am

  431. 431: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Yesterday you sent me a beautiful message about being friends with a gay man. Thank you for all your heart feelings you shared. I feel sad that you were in such a lonely marriage. I am glad you are free now.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:43am

  432. 432: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    LOL! Why does the song trigger you like that?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:44am

  433. 433: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    the poem is in spanish.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:45am

  434. 434: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Nikita, lol! Thanks for your feedback. Sorry to make you barf! I only heard the song that one time, and just now looked up the lyrics, so I haven’t given it much thought beyond the obvious “coincidence.” I did, however, read a review of it that said pretty much what you said about it. Lol. I’ll have to see what I think/feel after watching the video Brenda posted (thanks Brenda!).

    But, anyway, Nikita, are you saying that even tho it makes you barf, it wasn’t just a coincidence?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:46am

  435. 435: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “It’s about being real with someone, letting down your defenses.”

    Yeah, that was my impression, too, Brenda. That it really is about genuine intimacy.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:47am

  436. 436: NikitaNo Gravatar says:


    I lived through it……I tapped on it….why do cheesy love songs……not that it was cheesy….I like the girl’s voice but why do songs like that still trigger me?? Oooh my tummy just did a somersault!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:49am

  437. 437: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “holy sugary crap, batwomen, my LI just sent me a love poem. It started out with a couple of cheesy lines, but it developed into this great metaphor and ends with such definitive closure that he loves me.”

    Hmmm, another coincidence? Weren’t we just discussing cheesy sugary crap love poems/songs? Lol!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:49am

  438. 438: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    This is what I believe about coincidences: There are no such things as coincidences, except for when something is just a coincidence.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:49am

  439. 439: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “lucy, i can personally promise to duct table your hands and mouth together since you asked so nicely if you ever hint at leaning forward with those song lyrics, haha.”

    Thanks, Dorothea! You might have to fight off Brenda, though! And she’s most likely to arrive first cuz she lives about an hour away!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:50am

  440. 440: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    haha i wrote duct table. wtf? silly brain.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:52am

  441. 441: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Lucy…. There is at least a message of some sort here….I feel thankful you shared it…given the platform I couldn’t just change the station because I feel interested in your experience so I was tuned in in spite of my normal knee jerk reaction to say”oh please”… And quickly locate a little eminem “not afraid” on the radio lol!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:52am

  442. 442: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “There are no such things as coincidences, except for when something is just a coincidence.”

    Ah, but how do you know which is which???

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:53am

  443. 443: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes!!!!! I noticed that sugary crap statement by Dorothea….I felt so overwhelmed!! Too much!!!! But I’m staying present :)
    Even though it’s all triggering the F*k out of me…ugh!

    Congrats tho Dorothea…..virtual high-5!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:54am

  444. 444: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ““There are no such things as coincidences, except for when something is just a coincidence.”

    Ah, but how do you know which is which???”

    Oh, that’s an easy one. The answer is yes.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:54am

  445. 445: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lol, Dorothea, I was gonna edit it after I pasted it, but then I thought it might be more noticeable if I corrected it. Freudian slip? Maybe you secretly want your LI to duct tape you to the table and, you know….

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:56am

  446. 446: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Through the looking glass with Dorothea and her smart remarks today!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:57am

  447. 447: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for staying tuned in, Nikita! I appreciate that!

    “Yes Lucy…. There is at least a message of some sort here….”

    Now I just have to hope I find a secret decoder ring in my cereal box! BAM!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:00am

  448. 448: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Um, Lucy… no.

    I’m not gonna bring it up.

    I did unhide my profile and I got an offer for a date next week.

    It’s all so tricky, hey?

    i think i might need to get back online just for myself. i hope it doesn’t turn him off to me, but he’s online. that turns me off to him… doesn’t it? hmmm.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:01am

  449. 449: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, now i hid my profile again. i can’t figure out what to do… seriously. i’m going back and forth every minute. asking him is out. it’s just out. any other ideas?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:02am

  450. 450: maryNo Gravatar says:

    ooooooooooh. i feel so sad. and humiliated. and wondering when… things will turn around again.

    yes. i did think there was a possibility of this happening…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:04am

  451. 451: maryNo Gravatar says:

    can’t believe i’ve seen the end of him…


    i’m gonna put my profile back up and act as if he’s not here unless he’s here. and make plans as if he’s not a factor.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:05am

  452. 452: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh ooh oooh! Here’s the offical video, and I LOVE it!!! It’s got a cool inner child type thing going on.


    And it’s a lot about “unzipping your heart.” :)

    (Sorry Nikita!)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:10am

  453. 453: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – a short few weeks ago I had the scare of a lifetime; a terrible reaction to latex and not treating it properly ended up unable to walk for 3 days, in extreme pain for longer etc etc, went back to the doctor who promptly said that it looked like Genital Herpes!!! OMG!! And to think that I carry condoms in my purse AND I have a complete women’s HIV Protection kit sitting on my desk which is in my dining room…..ugh. SO! get this guy off to the doctor. Now in my city, there is a walk-in hassle free clinic. See if there is one in your city. Then it is anonymous etc. These are some things to think of, STIs and STDs are generally preventable by using condoms. So you can do this until the tests come back negative. The only thing I found out that is “alarming” is G-Herpes is often transmitted by the man quite unknowingly. I read one stat that said they in 80% of the cases they have no idea that they have it. And I have 2 friends that got it and they were using condoms at the time. It was transmitted because the rogue cells were on other parts of their parts – like in the general groin area not on the actual penis. Turns out I don’t have it. TFG!!!

    Anyway…. make it easy for your man. Tell him that healthy is really important to both of you today and for all the tomorrows. When you play with someone, you are playing with all the other people they have played with since they lost their virginity. (now that is a sobering thought) And you want to play with him lots in the future so being healthy today is a good thing! And you can also say, that you love to feel the real goods not the covered-up variety. So if he wants to play with the real goods, doing the testing is a good thing.

    So HIV testing and the big G and S, and Clamidia etc, are blood tests. Results are in 6 weeks and you are good to go. The only way to test for Herpes is to have an active sore that gets swabbed so it is a crap shoot and that is really useful to know. I get all the STDs done every year anyway. Anyone who is active dating really needs to consider looking after themselves this way. I find it is a huge relief every time. And because of my big scare, I have vowed to be quite insistent on testing and condoms – even though I have to pay a lot more for them because it is difficult to get non-latex varieties.

    As for CD – yes that is doing lots for yourself.

    As for putting yourself back on-line. As trust is so important in a relationship, I believe telling him you are unhiding your profile until you are in an exclusive relationship makes sense to me. Generally I find this a tough one though. Others on here will give you good perspectives from which you can make a good decision.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:14am

  454. 454: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – did I miss a step here? Is your sweetie gone? Did you just get “dumped” as my kid says to me?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:20am

  455. 455: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, thank you Lizzie.

    i feel worried this morning. just going back and forth about this profile thing.

    i did go to the doctor and asked him to go. now i’m just waiting. i feel like he’s very, very conflicted because our relationship is so new. it’s like he wants to be with me but is worried about giving up freedom.


    isn’t dating other people the Rori thing to do in this situation?

    i’m confused.

    you’re right though; i went to the doctor and in a few weeks can give him my clean bill of health. you’re so right about the trust thing. (oh, so glad your problem will clear itself up!)


    i think that maybe i can’t trust him.

    oh, i don’t want to think that, but there it is…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:21am

  456. 456: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie, I really appreciate your occassional reminders about std’s. It’s easy to forget about those realities when caught up in the moment. Thank you!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:21am

  457. 457: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    About not wanting texting

    I find that saying i don’t want to get texts (meaning I prefer calls) only gets me what i want sometimes. It’s like…he’s texting you, and your response is that it’s not good enough. I think it feels bad for both him and us

    If you don’t want his texts that bad, just don’t reply. That’s what I do. It’s the only thing that works. They’ll probably text you first a few times like “are you ignoring me?” “is everything ok?”

    then they call. because they want to talk to you. and if they don’t, they suck. so that makes it easy.

    then they’re like oh i was texting you, why didn’t you text back? But honestly not a lot of guys will bother to ask you this. they’ll just be like hey how are you? and you’ll say “oh it feels so good to hear your voice!”

    and if they do ask why you don’t text back, you can tell them, i am feeling burned out on texting, but it feels really good to hear your voice! and move on.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:24am

  458. 458: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I realize I don’t have the whole picture, but I feel sad and confused when I hear you not wanting to talk with him about it. It feels so important to do so. But maybe I am missing something…. We are all definitely voting for Mary, for sure! <3

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:24am

  459. 459: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – thank you for opening up. I could hear you and felt close to you.

    I feel triggered constantly when people make generalizations about men of a certain culture – whether from their experience, common knowledge, etc –

    the truth is these tools work with men all over

    and…. it happens often that people come here and say, oh men from xyz are so…

    and i feel bad… it feels like a judgement nd i feel myself feeling bad reading it…

    no matter how true it is, the judgement is not helpful

    same for me. i date a lot of men from “low income ghettos” and many are culturally ‘differen’ they think girls should pay, drive, etc…

    well im still leaning back, and it Still works. the better i get at it… feeling comfortable wiht it… the better it works… for all the men.

    it felt triggering and bad to me to hear a characterization of a certain group of men… it always does… happens every now and then when someone new comes … you mihgt notice something in the future and feel triggered as well…

    i dfeinitly don’t feel good hearing it… tho i am open to hear about all siren’s experiences

    i feel OH NO when i hear a judgement … i feel triggered to resist it, it doesn’t feel good… and i know it’s not helpful to the person… its a belief that blocks them…

    the tools operate Under the radar of culture


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:24am

  460. 460: maryNo Gravatar says:

    no, i didn’t get dumped.

    we spent a few weeks together almost every day and then he decided to take “some time.” which was good. we needed time, but we didn’t talk about it. he just took it. it’s okay, but he was talking about the weekend as if we’d do things together, and then it didn’t happen, and i turned down offers to do things. mmmmmm. i hate that.

    i feel like not answering the phone today, but isn’t that game playing? and he’ll know i’m playing with him because he gets those things…


    i can’t figure out what to do.

    answer or not answer. profile or no profile.

    maybe do nothing? what if the phone rings?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:25am

  461. 461: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Adding to what Dorothea wrote about texting: sometimes if you ignore texts, though, guys interpret that as meaning you don’t want ANY contact from them.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:26am

  462. 462: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    lucy, you’re right…some guys do interpret it that way. But if they’re so narrow in their scope of communication that they give up pursuit of communication with a woman because she isn’t texting back, then i feel turned off, not attracted, grateful to have weeded him out, etc.

    if he’s texting a lot asking what’s up with u not texting back, and not calling, then i think it would be a good time to share your feelings in a text message, but not right away…after time has passed and he’s not calling. something like “sorry for unresponsiveness, i’m honestly feeling really burned out on texting right now. ”

    you can add “it would feel good to hear your voice”

    of course, this is all MY experience. i have megga triggers and issue around texting.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:30am

  463. 463: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ryan’s “Alright” has been eating at me, and I finally decided to give him a feeling message:

    B: I feel uncomfortable. I don’t like to give you meaningful responses when I don’t receive back meaningful responses from you. What do you think?

    R: I guess I’m just feeling somewhat disturbed that I haven’t been able to get out of this yet.

    B: That you haven’t been able to get out of what?

    R: Free of the d*mons.

    B: I feel concerned, too. I appreciate you sharing that with me. J*sus is the ONLY Person, above or below, who has the Power to free you. I would feel eternally joyful if you let James Stacey baby-step you to freedom! Will you give him your trust and let him guide you to freedom? I care for you.

    I feel really good about what I wrote.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:32am

  464. 464: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #443 – You said, “You might have to fight off Brenda, though! And she’s most likely to arrive first cuz she lives about an hour away!”


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:36am

  465. 465: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – you almost got it!

    this last tweak is all i’d do

    B: That’s awesome! I’m really feeling in love with God! On earth I feel so alone and lonely and leading a life so separate from you. I miss feeling close to you. How have you been feeling?

    R: Alright.

    instead of bouncing it back to him (boy energy) remain in girl energy…

    this is when a PAUSE feels so awkward and yet so mysterious…

    then he will lean in and ask you More about yourself.

    when you bounce it back, it cuts off his masc energy and he’ll answer something short (like arite) and lose his masculine drive


    i had to practice not bounchigng back the question too…

    i used to do it instantly with guywhohadababy

    and got much better convos when i stopped

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:36am

  466. 466: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ryan just wrote back, “Thank you”.

    He’s a piece of work, but wow, I have such a deep love for that man!!!!!!!!!!! I am listening the the official video for that song and it feels like a good song for Ryan and me. I am crying.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:45am

  467. 467: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, this is an honest question (for the most part), and I really hope you’ll answer it instead of get sidetracked by my inability to ask and phrase things in a sensitive and feminine manner – why do you ask us for our opinions about whether/what to write to a man, have not a single one of us say it’s a good idea, we suggest the opposite, and then you do it all anyway?

    somewhere in my question there is a judgment and a feeling. i feel frustrated that i am spending energy helping a sister siren who asks for my input about how to operate like a siren goddess, and i feel taken for granted, used up…unimportant.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:47am

  468. 468: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    OH! WH and I could do that song as a duet!!! And record it on his next CD!!! We’d give it a lil different flavor — less country, more alt/folk. I’ll sing a higher harmony part than what she sings. We’ll sound awesome!!!


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:47am

  469. 469: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:48am

  470. 470: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Both Ryan and I LOVE that song, “Come on Get Higher”, by Matt Nathanson. Of several songs, I consider this “our” song:

    I miss the sound of your voice
    I miss the rush of your skin
    I miss the still of the silence
    as you breathe out and I breathe in

    if I could walk on water
    if i could tell you what’s next
    make you believe
    make you forget

    come on get higher
    loosen my lips
    faith and desire
    and the swing of your hips
    just pull me down hard
    and drown me in love

    come on get higher
    loosen my lips
    faith and desire
    and the swing of your hips
    just pull me down hard
    and drown me in love

    I miss the sound of your voice
    the loudest thing in my head
    and I ache to remember
    all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

    if I could walk on water
    if I could tell you what’s next
    make you believe
    make you forget

    come on get higher
    loosen my lips
    faith and desire
    and the swing of your hips
    just pull me down hard
    and drown me in love

    come on get higher
    loosen my lips
    faith and desire
    and the swing of your hips
    just pull me down hard
    and drown me in love

    I feel the pull of your heart
    I taste the sparks on your tongue
    I see angels and devils and god when you come on
    hold on…

    come on get higher
    loosen my lips
    faith and desire
    and the swing of your hips
    just pull me down hard
    and drown me in love

    come on get higher
    loosen my lips
    faith and desire
    and the swing of your hips
    just pull me down hard
    and drown me
    drown me in love

    it’s all wrong
    it’s all wrong
    it’s all wrong, its so right

    come on get higher
    come on and get higher
    because everything works love
    because everything works in your arms

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:48am

  471. 471: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, how did you strikeout text? That is so cool and useful for tweaking!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:48am

  472. 472: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    if a man has a lot of feminine energy, you don’t want to encourage that. you want to lean back more and outgirl him

    forget about him being toxic… and treat all men the same… is very important to do your best on this to avoid falling in the same pattern with a man

    also, a man is not supposed to necessairly open aup and talk about his feelings. and Rori wrote in an e-letter, we don’t really want him to! we think we do, but when it hapens we’d be turned off, cuz its feminine. So its up to us to keep opening our hearts and speaking our feelings in the moment (not necessarily our past and pain )… and let him dive into us, with questions, compliments, stuff that makes us feel good.

    i think ryan was doing a good job of that.

    i always ask myslef… do i feel like im being given to in this convo? or taken from. am i leaning forward physically? or feeling like marylin monroe leaned back?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:49am

  473. 473: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – its regular html, using these symbols “”

    before and after the text

    in between , put STRIKE at the beginning of the text…

    and /STRIKE at the end

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:51am

  474. 474: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “forget about him being toxic… and treat all men the same”

    I agree.

    “i think ryan was doing a good job of that.”

    That feels good to hear.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:52am

  475. 475: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    what symbols? quotations? or < brackets?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:55am

  476. 476: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I felt unheard. I have been reprimanded in the past for repeating my history with Ryan, so I didn’t remind you. I had hoped you would all remember that he is VERY toxic, and I don’t expect you to remember every detail, but I felt like all the responses I got were just rehash of basic Rori tools.

    If you’ve seen/heard “Toxic Men” by Rori, you will know that the tools change around a toxic man. I have stated plainly to Ryan that while I am still in love with him, I would never want to be anything other than friends until he gets free of schizophrenia.

    My questions weren’t around a healthy man in a healthy relationship. I want to reconnect in a healthy friendship. Your responses, while well-intended by you and appreciated by me that you care and want to help, just felt remote from the actual dysfunctional friendship.

    Beyond that, while I value safety in a multitude of counsel, I also value my free will. I may get three different opinions of what to do. I don’t feel obligated to follow every single one.

    In a normal situation, I wouldn’t even ask if I should write back. Obviously not. But this is one of hundreds of times he’s probed me for information, then used my love and trust as weapons to carve out my heart of hearts.

    I am sorry if you feel offended that I don’t always take advice. I wished I had taken it last Friday in regards to emailing Bill. Yet, when my purpose was accomplished, in pushing the attraction one way or the other, I was glad I had followed my gut! I feel relieved that I KNOW where I stand with Bill now.

    I want you to know, after saying all that, that I read your feedback slowly and weigh your words carefully. I have an entire file on my computer of posts that I have saved. I value your input. Please know when something resonates with me, I will be sure to use it. What do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:56am

  477. 477: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, I know your question was addressed to Brenda, but I feel hopeful that you won’t mind my telling you how I answer that question for myself in relation to Brenda: I feel a bit frustrated, too, at times, but I remind myself that we all — me, Brenda, all of us — sometimes disregard advice, sometimes for “good” reasons, sometimes because we’re not “there” yet in our ability to follow through. And, specifically, I look at how far Brenda has come and can see the baby steps in the midst of what we might see as “mistakes.” What do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:58am

  478. 478: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – the “issue” is in the “i can’t tell him this”

    this is what i would work on. i want to be able to share with my man anything.. an definintely TALK to him about commitment and exclusivity

    thats what all the power speeches are for

    you had a good one, so did Lucy.

    Rori recomends having an Exclusive Sexual relationship (that you talk with and agree with your man and that is by Your choice not his) … and contnuing to date (no exclusivity until ring) wihtout sex – aslo talked about with your man… (no gf speech)
    for most women

    sounds like that would work well for you

    being able to talk – babysteps – is what to work on here

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:58am

  479. 479: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #476 – I appreciate and agree with all you said for a normal relationship/friendship with a man.

    However, this is one of hundreds of times he’s probed me for information, then used my feelings: my love and trust, as weapons to carve out my heart of hearts.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:00am

  480. 480: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i feel unheard too, i’m sorry you feel unheard. my feeling unheard is why i asked you that question, and i don’t know what to say because you still haven’t answered it, which is perpetuating my own feeling of unheardness. i noticed lately that when people are feeling unheard, they can’t hear the person they don’t feel heard by either. or they choose not to. either way, it becomes very one-sided and almost like a victim is created.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:00am

  481. 481: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    By has last response, I have a sense of where he is at…I am one of his very, very few friends (his aura freaks most people out! Once he shared with me that six different women actually bolted from a restaurant when he tried to start a conversation with them, saying something like, “Dude, you’re freaking me out!”)

    I think he was reaching out to me for support and compassion this morning, or at least a sense of warmth. I feel really good about that. He is not all bad, by any means.

    He is the best listener in the world! I want to become as good a listener as him!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:03am

  482. 482: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    You asked, “why do you ask us for our opinions about whether/what to write to a man, have not a single one of us say it’s a good idea, we suggest the opposite, and then you do it all anyway?”

    In short, I answered, “Because I feel unheard”.

    I’m sorry you also feel unheard. I felt frustrated for the 500th time with him on that single issue and I decided to quit just letting him do that without calling him on it.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:06am

  483. 483: maryNo Gravatar says:


    continuing to date other men while having sex with one man is just not tolerated by that one man.

    not tolerated by this man.

    and what’s fair for me should be fair for him, too.

    i know Rori says it’s okay for the woman to keep dating, but not the man.

    i just don’t get that.

    it goes against basic principles.

    i can’t picture telling him “i’ll have sex with you while i date other men, but you can’t date other women.”


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:08am

  484. 484: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Hang tight! It is so worth it to wait. How I wish I had waited the many times I leaned forward.

    And, how I wish I had held my vulnerable feelings inside the many times Ryan reached in and probed my heart last year. If he hadn’t known how deeply I was in love with him, he couldn’t have hurt me by saying, “It’s just a friendship. I’m not in love with you.”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:08am

  485. 485: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ohhh i am seeing your answer to my question now. Sorry, my eyes are tired and it was kinda buried in your long response.

    i know ryan’s “different” than “normal” guys because of your history and his illness. however, he is similar to every other man in more ways than he is different. for example, he has a penis… so despite any special qualifying characteristics, i still would feel bad trying to “figure his stuff out” or analyze what he says or does means.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:10am

  486. 486: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t think i said “i can’t tell him this.”

    i just don’t want to initiate the conversation about it.

    it suddenly brings on “The Talk.” and guys hate that.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:10am

  487. 487: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria and Lucy,

    “forget about him being toxic… and treat all men the same”

    Fool me once, shame on you!

    Fool me twice, shame on me!

    I am going to guard my heart around him for a long time to come. I would be foolish to completely bare my heart to him again when my precious emotions are nothing but weapons to him, with which he attacks me.

    I know what it feels like to be psychologically crucified. It was the most sadistic, cruel hurt I have ever experienced. Never again.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:11am

  488. 488: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i put on way too much perfume today and i am going to barf all over myself.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:11am

  489. 489: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I like Bath & Body Works, “Night-Blooming Jasmine”! Heavenly!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:12am

  490. 490: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    mary, i have a speech for you that i remember from one of rori’s programs. i think it’s like

    “you want to take some time, i get that, that’s fine, but you can’t have me all to yourself. i have been getting invitations for dates and i am going to start accepting them. being honest feels really important to me so i just want to be clear that i feel really good spending time with you btu i don’t feel comfortable being exclusive to you without a solid commitment, and i don’t want to put pressure on you….what do you think?”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:15am

  491. 491: maryNo Gravatar says:

    dorothea, i like that, but what about the sex thing? if i suddenly start dating, then he’ll just have to take my word for it that i’m not having sex?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:16am

  492. 492: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    my girl friends not taking my advice has always triggered me for a number of reasons. primarily i don’t like how it feels to see my friends needlessly hurt themselves or make their lives worse. then a close second is a feeling of unworthiness like they’d rather hurt themselves than respect my opinion, which would suggest a lot about whether i am credible, respected, taken seriously, worth all that…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:17am

  493. 493: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Let the chips fall where they may! If you trust Rori and just keep on dating until you have a ring on your finger, he will figure out that he can’t have you all to himself until you have a commitment. That is what stops his endless balking.

    Mary, here is feedback from Sirens and from Rori, from past posts, from my Siren Island file I keep:

    If he asks, “Does it work both ways?”
    I could coyly say, “I feel surprised to hear you ask that! It would feel so yucky to tell you what to do! But I will say it would feel so good to be your target! To feel all your focus, skill, and concentration zeroing in on me with your cupid’s bow and arrow!
    After all, I would feel so bad if you lost me! (** wink!**)
    What do you think?”

    Here’s a great comment from Angel Baby – so I’m jumping off…
    “I’ve been doing circular dating – and the men are definitely pouring in! I feel fun and flirty, and the men are drawn to me like a magnet. Problem is, they ALL want to keep me and I feel stupid dating them if I’m not sure I want to keep them. Each of the men I’m dating is really fun, intelligent, attractive (to me) and the chemistry is great. Now I’m down to having to get clear about what I’M really looking for. In the meantime, these guys are expressing that they’re feeling toyed with. Is that just whining on their part? I feel guilty, a little tired, and super confused! Thanks, Rori!
    Angel Baby, Welcome and BRAVA to YOU!!!
    The thing here is – what is the definition of “keep”?
    What does that mean to a man?
    What does it mean to you?
    If what you want is marriage, lifelong commitment – and you’re not sure about any of these men, and they’re not offering rings…then what is there to “keep”?
    The thing here is – this is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY for you to TALK with these men!!
    Ask them what they’re thinking about the two of you when they complain.
    Ask what they want, what they see.
    Share your feelings in total Feeling Messages about how attached and weird you can feel when you’re exclusive and hoping for a ring, and that you’ve just discovered it feels so much better to just let the man be in charge.
    In other words, exclusivity isn’t your goal here . A “boyfriend” isn’t your goal – marriage is!!!
    As long as you’re not having sex with anyone – or at least with just one man…you can stay sane here. And if you are having sex – you’re just going to have to be supremely even MORE Rock Star Diva!
    You do this by totally TELLING THE TRUTH at ALL TIMES to ALL MEN.
    You do this by focusing on yourself so you are as much in touch with how you feel every single moment – so that you’re responding and soft and open and spontaneous…and AWARE of your impulses and words – as you can possibly be.
    Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:18am

  494. 494: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    mary, i think if we approach sexual exclusivity as something we want in order to feel physiologically safe and emotionally manageable, then we are coming from a place that makes it obvious that we prefer sexual exclusivity, so we’re not going to sleep around behind a man’s back and undermine the very premise of our wanting sexual exclusivity. what do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:19am

  495. 495: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i’m excited about you. i feel wildly passionate when i’m near you. and we’ve had some amazing moments together. i sense that you need some time and maybe i do, too. i don’t want to rush things. i don’t want to put you into a trap and i don’t want to be in a trap, either. so i don’t feel comfortable being exclusive with you right now. what do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:20am

  496. 496: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    so i guess u can incorporate the sex thing into your little powerspeech. maybe like “it feels so good to spend time with you and also sleep with you, and i will stay sexually exclusive with you, but you can’t have me all to yourself, blah blah etc etc.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:21am

  497. 497: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #490 – Oh, and what a perfect penis it is! LOL!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:21am

  498. 498: maryNo Gravatar says:

    dorothea, were you talking to me? i thought i was agreeing with you…

    “my girl friends not taking my advice has always triggered me for a number of reasons. primarily i don’t like how it feels to see my friends needlessly hurt themselves or make their lives worse. then a close second is a feeling of unworthiness like they’d rather hurt themselves than respect my opinion, which would suggest a lot about whether i am credible, respected, taken seriously, worth all that…”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:22am

  499. 499: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    mary that is an awesome start for your speech. do you think you could leave him out of it and talk more about what you feel and don’t want?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:23am

  500. 500: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    mary, i was talking about a trigger that came up with brenda, but it is generally true in my life and i was noticing that. it wasn’t for you, sorry for the confusion.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:24am

  501. 501: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, thank you so much… let me work on it…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:25am

  502. 502: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #497 – I feel bad, because I don’t want my actions and words to leave you feeling disrespected, unheard, etc. For what it’s worth, I don’t feel that way. I feel like Siren Island is a treasure trove of beauty, wisdom, and care!

    Maybe in the future, I will process my stuff by sitting alone with it for a while on MS Word or a piece of paper. I think a lot of times I write stuff here as a floating journal in some ways, as Daria does. I still like to get your advice, even if I don’t always follow it.

    In this instance, I knew Ryan better than anyone, and, after thinking about it during my lunch break, I felt sure that I would feel irked if I just let it hang, yet again, at “Alright”. But writing it on here, AND feeling your feedback, AND processing it by writing it AND feeling your feedback, helped me arrive at my conclusion with what to do.

    And, again, I value my free will. Whether or not you see it, you DID help me, because I was able to see it more objectively. I learn from you ladies every day.

    Much Love,

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:28am

  503. 503: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i’m excited about you. i feel wildly passionate when i’m near you. i respect you.

    i don’t want…


    i don’t want to be waiting for him because he doesn’t really make plans. and he doesn’t clue me into what he’s thinking.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:28am

  504. 504: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    P.S. I feel good about the outcome…Ryan wrote me back with his true feelings, where he’s at right now…”somewhat disturbed”. He was real with me. :-)

    I keep listening to Lucy’s song over and over, and I really love it!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:29am

  505. 505: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I wonder if you missed what I posted in #498, what Rori said about exclusivity and some feeling messages…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:32am

  506. 506: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i’m excited about you. i feel wildly passionate when i’m near you. i respect you. i always look forward to seeing you again.

    i don’t want to rush things or put pressure on you, so i don’t want to be exclusive right now.

    what do you think?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:34am

  507. 507: maryNo Gravatar says:

    awwww, Brenda, could you please help me tweak it? and i’ll turn my focus to you and Ryan when i find something to say. i feel worried that he’ll call any minute and i won’t know what to say…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:35am

  508. 508: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i’ve been talking about this, but it’s a good time to mention it again…

    it doesn’t seem plausible to ask a guy to wait for exclusivity until i’m engaged to him.

    i don’t know any guys who’d wait like that and watch me date around.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:38am

  509. 509: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, i just want to make it clear that i never said to stop posting anything here or to do it on your own time. all i asked was why you do the opposite of what all us sirens suggest. and you’re reading a lot more from it and i don’t like it cuz i hate feelin like words are bein put in my mouth, you know?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:38am

  510. 510: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i tried it last year with R and Man in the Woods, and then i tried it again this year with Man in the Woods and Island Man and it hurt them a lot.

    but this is a side issue and i’m dying to figure out about getting online or not.

    dorothea, i like what you said about trust. that made sense. so if i went with that, i’d be WAITING AROUND again.

    just so he can trust me.

    while he’s out and about? maybe? or just taking time?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:41am

  511. 511: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – a bunch of sirens, Dorothea, for example are doing quite that successfuly. and lots of Rori’s clients have done that.

    why doesn’t it seem plausible to you? have you explored what beliefs are holding you back here?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:41am

  512. 512: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ew mary please stop throwing your power away.

    if it hurt them a lot, its cuz they didnt step up. did they?

    its supposed to hurt them when they’re not doing the right thing.

    for example : guy comes at woman

    yo, chick, wanna fu(ck

    girl: no i dont want to and i dont want to talk

    man: waah im HURT!!
    well GREAT!!

    thats whats supposed to happen when hes not taking the right steps!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:43am

  513. 513: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thats how they are helped! the toxic ones. by having to NOT HAVE YOU (ouch hurts huh dude) when they’re not behaving in a way that feels good to you

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:44am

  514. 514: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    it doesn’t seem plausible at first but i have done it with the last two guys i dated with any frequency and length of time. of course they don’t like it – they’re not supposed to like it, lol. it was hard and awkward both times to tell them, i want to be married, i don’t want to be exclusive with a man unless it’s a serious commitment, which to me is an engagement, i don’t want to put pressure on you either, and you’re entitled to take all the time you need to figure out what you want of course, and i just don’t feel comfortable blah blah blah.

    btw, the spontaneous last minute plans thing, feeling like you’re waiting around thing, was like the texting thing to me. you can tell the guy you don’t like it, but it doesn’t really change anything. it doesn’t ever seem to be too effective to basically tell a guy in response to his asking to see you that his request isn’t good enough. instead, i just got really busy with my own life and socializing, or simply didn’t answer, so that when he called to see me at the last minute, i was busy. he’ll eventually figure it out when you say “oh i feel so disappointed, it would feel so nice to see you, but i’m busy tonight.”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:45am

  515. 515: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mary – if the man is looking to marry, and looking for a woman to step up and claim him, then he should date a bunch of them

    but we have different roles

    the magnet gets to date around. the arrow only has one target.

    you can be either or.

    both, and the arrow flounders and wont hit any target at all

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:46am

  516. 516: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, R said he wouldn’t tolerate that ever again. he couldn’t believe i was dating other guys too when he and I had been engaged before.

    and Woods man wanted me, was willing to step up, but in the end I didn’t want him and decided to tell him so. in Rori’s book, i would have just let him continue to date me. it was pretty bad, though, because i couldn’t bring myself to be passionate with him at all, even though i LIKED him.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:47am

  517. 517: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    “However, this is one of hundreds of times he’s probed me for information, then used my feelings: my love and trust, as weapons to carve out my heart of hearts.”

    wat are you talking about woman. he’s done nothing to you but contact you and answer your questions right now.

    drop the past. look at what IS.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:47am

  518. 518: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    unless you want more of the past, start with NOW, and allow the future to be different…

    Be Surprised

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:48am

  519. 519: maryNo Gravatar says:

    but daria,

    i’m trying to decide what to do here today.

    say a speech?
    or just put my profile online?

    he’s not talking to me except saying that he’s “taking some time.”

    but he’ll call.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:48am

  520. 520: maryNo Gravatar says:

    maybe he didn’t like my sex style.

    oh, that feels terrible.

    he’s very experienced and i’m not.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:49am

  521. 521: maryNo Gravatar says:

    the thing is, he still keeps calling.

    i think he’s confused.

    trying to get to commitment is rushing it. but sex with no commitment doesn’t appeal to me.

    so go backwards or just give up and start dating again.

    are those my only options?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:51am

  522. 522: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    #498 is TO you from me, and it is about YOUR situation. They are Rori’s words. They are feeling messsages relevant to YOUR situation.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:51am

  523. 523: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i know, Brenda.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:51am

  524. 524: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – you’re like, im gonna guard my heart. then 2 seconds later. im in love with him…

    you like him. you want to be with him. you want him to treat you well.

    that means appreciate the steps he does take.

    clear our this ambiguity about… ohhh im gonna guard my heart… he’s gonna sadistically do some weird shit

    thats not gonna lead to what you want.

    what is gonna lead there is…

    hi ryan it feels so good to hear from you

    ohh i feel so good

    oh that feels bad to hear

    oh i miss you

    oh i feel bad that you are still having problems


    i feel weird at work lately

    i feel really good writing on a women’s blog online

    im feeling happy with this

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:52am

  525. 525: maryNo Gravatar says:

    it isn’t helping for you to keep referring to 498. i remember reading those words myself.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:52am

  526. 526: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i mean 497.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:53am

  527. 527: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I appreciate what you said. I have been advised by people intimately familiar with schizophrenia to keep at a safe distance from him until he is free of it. I would be a fool to rush in where angels fear to tread.

    Yes, today’s text exchange was stellar! I feel so happy and good about it! And I kept it positive. I didn’t allow past hurts to enter into my speech. I just kept him at a friendship level.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:55am

  528. 528: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, you are forgetting that YOU are the prize not him……….YOU YOU YOU 😀

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:56am

  529. 529: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary –

    I wouldn’t tell him he can’t date other women. that’s not it at all. of course he CAN! he has every right to

    but you won’t like it. and it won’t make you feel like he’s claiming you.

    and you can tell him that…


    im looking for marriage and a committed relationship

    and i dont want to tie all my options of meeting people until that one forever man has claimed me

    and i like you so much and want it to be you…

    what do you think?

    if he brings up dating himself. i woudl chekc my feelings.

    id probably say

    ohhh… htat feels bad to hear. i dont want you to date other women. of course you can, but that would feel bad to me. im looking for marriage and i dont want a man thats not looking at that in the future and seeking to court me and claim me

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:56am

  530. 530: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – How about this?

    I feel excited about you. I feel wildly passionate when I’m near you. I feel respect for you. I feel really good when I’m with you,and always look forward to seeing you again.
    I don’t want to rush things though. I don’t want to continue having sex without some sort of commitment, but I don’t want to pressure you either. I would love to keep seeing you, but I don’t want to be exclusive right now.
    What do you think?”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:58am

  531. 531: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – its impossible for you to be friends when you are in love with him. that would feel terrible to you. (and weird and turnoffy to him i bet)

    what your having is not a friendship

    its a man woman thing.

    you’re not keeping away, because you’ve been texting him, and are thrilled he’s texting you

    and thats cool

    thers no reason to not accept it if he’s contacting you and YOU LIKE IT , no matter how skizo, toxic, or wahtever a man may be or people say he is

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:58am

  532. 532: maryNo Gravatar says:


    i see it, daria.

    tinque, this is the one.

    THANK YOU!!!!

    now i can go about my day.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:00pm

  533. 533: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    of course he’ll have to take your word for it that you’re not having sex!

    he’ll have to take your word for EVERYTHING!

    omg!! i feel horrified!

    yes! he has to take your word for it of course, that is a baseline thing a man has to be able to do is

    trust your honesty

    and you to him!

    even if you think he’s lying! speak clearly. say you feel mistrustful

    but you must BELIEVE HIM when he says something! and speak of your feelings only

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:02pm

  534. 534: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yay Mary!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:02pm

  535. 535: maryNo Gravatar says:


    would i say anything about marriage?

    that’s a turn-off, isn’t it?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:02pm

  536. 536: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, a timely email from Rori I just read and though of you…….

    This is how Circular Dating clears up your love
    life – it teaches you skills you never knew you
    had, it makes you feel beautiful and magnetic
    (which you’ve always been) and it creates a whole
    new relationship for you with EVERY man you meet!

    And one of three things will happen – either your
    man will step up and you’ll walk together to your
    Happy Ever After, or he won’t step up and another,
    BETTER man WILL, or he’ll step up and you won’t
    WANT him any more because you’ve met a better man.

    No matter what happens – you WIN!

    You GET your Mr. Right, you GET your Happy Ever

    Learn exactly how to Circular Date – and DO it.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:03pm

  537. 537: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mariage is a TURNOFF????

    i think its a Turn On for sure. to men. they get way more romantic when i say i want marriage. i can feel them get into a different space

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:03pm

  538. 538: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Really Daria? Wow I have always blanched at using the “M” word for fear of scaring a man away LOL!! Yeah and look where it’s got me anyway duh!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:06pm

  539. 539: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, should i say something about that in my speech?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:06pm

  540. 540: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I would keep it at commitment for now. Even I as a woman would balk if someone was talking marriage right away.
    There are exceptions of course, but I sense nervousness in you around this and him, so one thing at a time maybe.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:06pm

  541. 541: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I know you ultimately are looking for marriage, and yes commitment can mean different things to different people, but for the most part, most people would think commitment means marriage.
    You can always give another speech when enough time FOR YOU has elapsed, and you feel he’s not stepping up.
    He may very well all by himself though if you get to this point with him.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:09pm

  542. 542: maryNo Gravatar says:

    how bout this?

    “I feel excited about you. I feel wildly passionate when I’m near you. I feel respect for you. I feel really good when I’m with you,and always look forward to seeing you again.

    this is the way i want to feel about a man who steps up to claim me for his wife.

    I don’t want to rush things though. I don’t want to continue having sex without some sort of commitment, but I don’t want to pressure you either. I would love to keep seeing you, but I don’t want to be exclusive right now.
    What do you think?”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:09pm

  543. 543: maryNo Gravatar says:

    okay Tinque.


    thank you so much.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:11pm

  544. 544: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I love the M word. Using it doesn’t mean “I want to be married to the man I’m telling I want to be married.” To me it just means, I want to be a wife. Weee I am feeling so excited thinking about being a wife right now! If a man said to me “I want you to be my wife” after a couple of dates I would freak out. But if he said “I am interested in getting married and settling down” as a general description of where he’s at, I would of course feel differently!

    I was always terrified to use the M word but have actually had awesome response to it.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:11pm

  545. 545: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lol Tinque’s not married so i bet the M word scares her


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:18pm

  546. 546: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Thank you for the feeling messages! I copied and saved them for future use!

    Yes, I am in love with him. No, I am not going to allow those feelings to go anywhere until or unless he is free of schizophrenia.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:22pm

  547. 547: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – how are you not gonna allow the feelings to go anywhere. concretely?

    i feel confused and mistrustful of this statment… sounds like a lie (to yourself most of all)

    seems like you are definitely contintuing a relationship with Ryan, what with texting and convos, etc

    which btw… is jsut fine… i would too

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:29pm

  548. 548: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, all….good afternoon! I posted a guy’s take on why they don’t call and redesigned the blog – am being looked at for a “professional” blogging position!! Smile…could use a proof reading if anyone has time….or just wants to see what Corey says. And no, I didn’t misname any drugs this time…heee…..but I stood by my it’s not you it’s me version of the old speech.

    @ Brenda! hey, you sound great! sooooo glad it worked out!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:31pm

  549. 549: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps….which was totally freudian, it’s not me it’s you when I wrote it. lol

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:32pm

  550. 550: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #536 – This resonates with me. I am just being honest with him moment by moment about my feelings in regards to him. Thank you!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:33pm

  551. 551: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Everybody seems in a great mood today and that makes me FEEL good yippee!!

    Good morning ladies, its 5.30am here in Sunny Sydney, hope you all have a wonderful day wherever you are……….


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:34pm

  552. 552: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Not sure what else to say or not say. I am only trying to be sensitive to you. :-)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:35pm

  553. 553: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Be fun. Be a tease. Be unforgettable. Anything but boring!

    He sounds fun, huh? and he doesn’t want anyone throwing bricks at him….har…he’s the “Wall” guy…


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:35pm

  554. 554: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    i feel angry from a convo with a guy friend potential interest that i leaned forward and texted a few days back that he’s invited to my house bec im alone for a few days

    well he called me and hes talking about how he doesnt ceom to this are etc

    waste of time came up

    that felt bad, i said so, i felt better

    but at tthe end of the convo i still fele mad

    this is simlar to the convo i had last nite with that pimp dude… except last nite —- i told him i wasnt feeling good and the end… so

    hes like so you want to get off the phone

    i said yeah
    the end.

    i liked him tho, but i didnt like feeling bad so often

    i haven;t before actually ended a convo that way.


    sama with my guy friend, i felt furious a few times.

    i thik i need to speak even MORE that i feel angry

    im still feeling angry

    i love my anger

    it doesnt feel good when someone says they dont want to come to me cuz its not worth it


    (explanation – they are busy now makin money etc, and dont hang out and waste time like before)

    that feels bad

    i love me

    i feel bad right nwo tho and all this anxiety

    i was eating macaroni salad and realizing im tryna sooth my hot electrical inside feeling

    i love my hot electrical inside feeling

    i feel kinda mad at you
    i feel like attacking and calling you names

    i feel sad to hear that you’re not coming thru

    it felt good to see u call me

    i’m feeling disappointed and a lil bad.. like im not good enuf to inspire u to come thru

    u say you only hear from me once in awhile, thats cuz i dont like calling men and i kinda like you, so i only call you when i feel like a friend… but sometimes i think of you and i feel like i like you, and i dont like pursuing a man romantically

    i feel sad. i felt so excited when you called thinking taht you were coming.

    i feel bad

    i love my bad feelings

    i love the smell of melted cheese on my stove too

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:36pm

  555. 555: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ BarbInOz….hiya!! Did you see my post somewhere above the rainbow rose….on how to do a first internet date? It’s a quote from Rori from last nite, but I wanted to make sure you saw it!

    G’day mate…..

    roller skate date…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:37pm

  556. 556: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – Actually I have mixed feelings about marriage. I’m not against it, but I’m not for it either. I’ve done it twice before, and both times I married for the same wrong reasons.
    Unless there are children involved or a couple feels it as some sort of religious ceremonial declaration or something that for them deepens their commitment, then to me it feels like an imposition, from society and from the government, especially from the government.
    There is no such thing as common law marriage anymore, something to which I was greatly looking forward and felt deeply disappointed when I found it only exists in I believe it’s Arizona and Nevada anymore.
    K and I couldn’t be any more “married”. We are more committed and more in love and passion than a great many legal marriages.
    So does it scare me? Not really. If he asked me today, I wouldn’t say no, but it would feel totally anti-climactic. It would really only make maneuvering around the legal system easier, and I wouldn’t any differently about him nor he I.
    We have something really beautiful. No one is going anywhere. And no legal document would change this in any direction.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:44pm

  557. 557: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Just to give you an idea, when I texted Ryan a week and a half ago, and he asked me how I was doing. I wrote, “I feel sexually frustrated.”

    I asked him how he is doing, and he said, “I am feeling kind of down.”

    I texted, “Would you like me to rub your back and pray for you?”

    He wrote, “I don’t know about rubbing my back, but I would appreciate your prayers.”

    So I texted him a prayer on his behalf. But the sexually frustrated part and rubbing his back part was kinda teasing him. And I am aware of that. But he is also aware that I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with him until he is free of the schizophrenia.

    Am I kidding myself? nah, I don’t think so. LOL! :-) I’ve been hurt too bad to want to go there again.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:44pm

  558. 558: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – you sweet lil goddess you-

    In regards to your comment about “coink-ee-dinks”

    I do not believe in them. Things always happen for a reason-we may not know what it is, but those weird synchronizations are so very strange, are they not?

    I was driving down the freeway the other day thinking and MISSING my ex toxic man. I was crying while driving down the freeway. I said “God-oh god I miss and love him STILL! Dam it all to heck. I need to see him. I want to see him. I still care for him. I need a sign of some kind God Help me!”

    Two second later the song comes on the radio: Lyrics:
    “According to you, I am mess in a dress, according to you, I suck….blah blah blah, but according to HIM I am wonderful, beautiful everything he ever wanted…..”

    Is that a coincidence? No. Instant karma message from God. According to toxic man I suck. Remember Turtle Girl? Remember how he treated you?

    And now this new man-how he adores the quicksand you walk on?

    Nuff said. Case closed. There are no coink-ee-dinks.
    Just lessons. God speaking to me and all of us sirens trying to get us to know and live according to love and love ourselves.

    Lucy you rock girl I have always loved your posts.xxoo

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:44pm

  559. 559: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i felt a lil sad and held myself and almost cried

    then i ate my chees

    i still feel a lil sad

    not angry tho

    my feelings are becoming a lot clearer to follow

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:45pm

  560. 560: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oh, and if you don’t wanna read through – just tell me if you like the professional done pix or the happy out to dinner one better?


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:46pm

  561. 561: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    actually sharing that sexual frustration sounds great!

    i feel liberated now to say that in the futre, it was somewhat an issue for me on the spot, cuz i felt embarassed to share that feeling.. i feel glda to see you write it, because i feel freer now.

    that part is great!

    this part:

    I texted, “Would you like me to rub your back and pray for you?”

    is not.

    thats what the woman must make space for the man to do… offer to give to her…

    offering that makes you the masculine partner.

    also, looking for Ryan to — open up about his feelings — is also very agressively being masculine.
    its not a man’s job to open up about his feeilngs. thats a woman’s job. his job is to give to you and inititate and do stuff for you to feel good

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  562. 562: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I heard a minister say that a de-ja-vous moment is when you are walking into the will of God. I wonder if a coincedence is something like that? :-)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:50pm

  563. 563: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda- “ive been hurt too bad to go back there again” this is a lie.

    you are going back there – to a relationship – everytime you are communicating with Ryan … and THATS TOTALLY OK

    what did you feel when you offered to rub his back and pray for him?

    did you feel: you missed him? honored that he shared that? did you feel” awww compassion?

    what did you FEEL (that instead you offered to rub his back and pray for him)

    thats what i work on, theres a feeling there before i offer to give , at first it was a lot of babysteps to identifying

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:54pm

  564. 564: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I feel what you are saying. And, I know for a fact I did way too much for Ryan out of masculine energy in the past.

    I comforted him many times by rubbing his back and playing with his long, silky, brown hair when he was feeling psychological torment inside because of the schizophrenia. He said he felt like the ship in “A Perfect Storm” inside. He also compared his inner feeling to Luke in Star Wars when the evil emporer was shocking him over and over. He felt suicidal 3-4 times a day. So I comforted him.

    I started that habit, of cuddling, pillow talk, and rubbing his back, before I listened to Rori in 2009. I offered that to him for old times sake. I just wanted to see what he’d say, since he hasn’t seen me for months. He used to love it when I rubbed his back, and it really created quite an emotional connection between us.

    But I too often felt the pain of loneliness when he didn’t reciprocate. If we get together in the future, I may do it from time to time, but I fully intend to operate in feminine energy with few exceptions.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:55pm

  565. 565: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “I feel sexually frustrated.”

    I asked him how he is doing, (oops missed this! that was kinda leaning forward too)

    and he said, “I am feeling kind of down.”

    Siren: “aww, i feel sad that you feel down. or… awww. i feel like i want to comfort you. or… ohhh… that feels bad… or.. oh.. im sorry you feel down… ”

    Man: thats ok. thanks. so what you been up to ——>

    Siren” i’v been feeling, good, busy, feeling good working and stuff, feeling bored, feeling lonely ”

    Man: oh more arrowness

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:57pm

  566. 566: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I really appreciate the way you are walking me thru this. When I offered that, I was really missing him, and hoping he would get together with me. How do you feel about that?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 12:58pm

  567. 567: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Really Brenda? i feel so confused… i don’t feel the appreciation… its like i feel blank when i read that.

    i feel mistrustful, but really more blank.

    i rather feel shaky scared saying what im saying and i have the thought that im coming off as a jerk.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:00pm

  568. 568: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Excellent feeling messages. Thank you. This really helps. I saved them for future use.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:01pm

  569. 569: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    how i feel about that? is excited that you identified your feelings.

    what i think is , thats great!

    so then next time… you can share that::::

    Brenda : i miss you! i miss seeing you so much!

    SILENT PAUSE (may be for a long time)


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:01pm

  570. 570: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    #572 – I don’t know why you feel that way. Is it NVs? Inside my heart is doing a Snoopy dance because you are being nice to me today! LOL! :-)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:02pm

  571. 571: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel curious about my blank feeling. Thank you for saying that you appreciate that to me Brenda. I feel glad to be appreciated and i don’t want to block that out when someone says it… thank you

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:03pm

  572. 572: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – lol! i feel so confused. my guess was that you would think im “being mean” to you today!

    lol. it probably is something like nv’s .

    i feel weird and bubbly about it

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:04pm

  573. 573: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Score for Brenda! Because during that text session Sunday a week ago, my very first text was, “I miss you so much! How are you doing?”

    I tell him I miss him every time we text.

    Would it be appropriate to use a feeling message next time he texts like this:

    i feel sad… I don’t want a text only relationship.


    It feels nice to hear from you; I prefer we talk in human, what do you think?

    Thanks for the message – I have decided to give up text-messaging – I like you and feel better when I can talk with you.


    Thanks for the text – just not the same as great conversation up close and personal! What do you think?


    I feel interested in getting to know you. It would feel good to answer your questions in person. Sometimes email feels so impersonal. What do you think?

    BTW, these are also from my file of saved posts from here, written by other people.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:06pm

  574. 574: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #577 – Now I feel all kinds of smilkey! :-) You’re welcome!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:07pm

  575. 575: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I will keep speaking, I will I will…..I noticed in one post, Daria said I wish people who didn’t agree/use feeling messages would go away….but that just made me feel stubborn….so I will keep speaking.

    just to be a rock, in your shoe….

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:13pm

  576. 576: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    haha yes! Jaqueline I was referring to you!! but i don’t really want you to go away!

    tho i feel compelled to write Go Away Jaqueline…

    i am practicing more and more honesty

    i feel mucho love for you right now reading your post!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:15pm

  577. 577: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Tinque – re: marriage, it sometimes feels like a legally binding impedement to me….esp. if you have better credit or more assets, etc. I cannot understand the “ownership” aspect of it, either – people break vows all the time….but hey if I’ve got a TITLE of wife, well, ha! I’m en-TITLED….

    not a believer…..


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:15pm

  578. 578: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    @ Ragnell…..hope your day is better today, and that you will return long enought to find friends here.

    Looking to hear updates!


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:16pm

  579. 579: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – I miss you so much (super great! super feminine) How are you doing (oh nooo… this is masculine.. just canceled it)

    drop the second part (it will feel scary to do so) and then you

    feeling scared and vulnerable … are being very feminine and inviting…

    can you feel the shaky vibration in the air… the empty space ?

    thats where HE fills in with “how are you”

    its practically compelling him to, pick up the slack, when you don’t fill it

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:17pm

  580. 580: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    In the past months, Ryan seems resistant whenever I give a feeling message about seeing him in person. I don’t want to be self-sabotaging or controlling. But nor do I want to go on and on in a text only relationship. So if I just stop answering his questions via text, he will realize he only gets to be my friend if he sees me in person.

    On the other hand, I think part of the reason he stays away is to protect me. How do you feel about all that?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:18pm

  581. 581: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria! you told the mac and cheese to go away? and look where it went!!!! I’m just a very little rock….

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:19pm

  582. 582: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I heard that when you said it earlier about asking how are you. I am just telling you what I wrote.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:19pm

  583. 583: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    away, away, away down south in dixie….there’s a little rock n roll….don’t step on the rock! omgosh, I can’t find the rock, does a rock speak when there’s no one there to hear??? I heard a rock, I heard a rock knock, I stepped on a dang rock….and lost my balance. where’s that rock?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:21pm

  584. 584: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    today I am a little rock, who knows what tomorrow will bring? A large white OWL????

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:22pm

  585. 585: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    Most of our relationship took the form of a game of 20 questions. He asked me question after question, and I answered them at gut level honesty. I made myself too vulnerable. Now I don’t want to answer a question unless he answers it too.

    This song also characterizes our relationship:

    Already Gone

    Songwriters: Clarkson, Kelly Brianne; Tedder, Ryan

    Remember all the things we wanted
    Now all our memories they’re haunted
    We were always meant to say goodbye

    Even with our fists held high
    It never would’ve worked out right
    We were never meant for do or die

    I didn’t want us to burn out
    I didn’t come here to hold you, now I can’t stop

    I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
    Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
    And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
    But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

    Looking at you makes it harder
    But I know that you’ll find another
    That doesn’t always make you want to cry

    Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
    Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
    You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

    I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
    Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
    And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
    But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

    I’m already gone, already gone
    You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
    I’m already gone, already gone
    There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

    Already gone, already gone, already gone
    Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

    Remember all the things we wanted
    Now all our memories they’re haunted
    We were always meant to say goodbye

    I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
    Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
    And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
    But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

    I’m already gone, already gone
    You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
    I’m already gone, already gone
    There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:25pm

  586. 586: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    oh, and I crow!!!! cuz I am a compelling rock – I compelled Daria to write go away, Jacqueline. I am a rock and when I roll I can hypnotize you…..you will follow as I go……away…..and then you will be away too!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:26pm

  587. 587: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    does a rock paper scissors????

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:27pm

  588. 588: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline – Yes, and I was just thinking while in the shower and wasn’t going to comment until you piped in, that the title wife and husband feel like ownership, to me. I don’t want to be someone’s possession. I’ve been there, and it doesn’t feel good. So even if someday we do decide to do it, and it would only be to make things legally easier, I would still be known as his lady, and he my beau.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:28pm

  589. 589: BarbinOzNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, thanks I found your post and that is what I always did/do on first meet and greets, in fact I even have those words on my profile! Trouble is I can’t even find ONE man who wants to do even that.

    I am seriously thinking of joining another site. Lynne in Melb is on an Aussie site called RSVP, it will not be my first foray onto that site, but its been a LONG time since I went there.

    Honestly I don’t know what is up with these men! I watched the Targeting Mr Right DVD 2 last night all about your profile and image makeovers and I am already doing all that stuff anyway, so nothing learnt there :(

    It is just soooooo frustrating, I want to use the RR tools like you Sirens but I have nobody to practise on except the general public LOL!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:28pm

  590. 590: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda –

    personally, I would try to be feminine in my texts for now… a lot less scarier and more time to find my feelings than a convo…

    then if you get really good at feminine he will bring calling up himself. or you will say:

    i feel tired of texting anymore… im feeling ok to talk to you

    (lol this sounds like YOU were the one not talking to him… and in an energetic way… that IS whats going on… keeping him at adistance)


    “it feels annoying to text a lot…talking is ok”

    anyway, that could happen after a somewhat long text convo where HE was leading and you were only sharing feeling messages…

    again i wuld actually have text convos only to practice this, and because i dont want to FEEL like im leaing forward if i do say that talking thing

    i want to mean, “i dont feel like texting”

    not “i miss talking to you on the phone so much that i would say i dont feel like texting just to hope that you will get the hint to call me without my suggesting it directly”


    this is GREAT FOR ME!!!!!!!


    when i get new online people texing me, i can say…

    hmm… anyway its more of an conceptual energy shift for me…


    you CAN say… i miss talking to you on the phone… it feels so good to be communicating to you and also excruciating… i miss you so much…

    ok thats kinda long

    basically the best thing to say is “i miss talkin to you on the phone”

    SILENCE (this will feel SCARY AS f(CUK)

    then he will say something… which may or may not break your heart or take you to heavenn… or Anything… BE surprised… Dont interrupt… DONT RESPOND…

    dont respond!

    be silent

    check your feelings.

    be silent.

    Then say what you feel.

    you should sound somewhat like Yoda, or a distant prophetic Goddess that is speaking thro the veils of time:

    i feel… magical…

    that kinda feeling. you should feel allof mysterious, veiled, yet open , free, amazing, huge and expansive

    its in the PAUSING.

    the feminine mystery. the silence and the invitation into

    so it may take very different… deep sounding routes…

    and it can also feel playful

    tho to me

    i miss you

    in this case feels more deep

    because it feels painful already

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:30pm

  591. 591: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Barb – I used Craigslist, you just have to delete all but 2 out of 50! smile….I promise you you can do it!!! I did, and I had guys drive over an hour so I wouldn’t have to…..and boy was I glad. har har…and if you always go to the same place the waitresses will be your friends and tell you what they think and you can alert them to be on watch out for you….

    BUT go to the HARDWARE or AUTO supply store…and stand around looking confused!!! It’s bound to happen….if nothing else the service boy will talk to you and you can try out tools!!!


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:36pm

  592. 592: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    jacqueline i like the old photo better! the new one makes me feel way separated from you. too professional.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:37pm

  593. 593: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, thank you, Daria! That is some rich stuff! I love it!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:37pm

  594. 594: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – yes, due to my past I’ve got a whole mythology built up around “ownership,” and it’s not the road to happily ever after for me…..

    it’s the road to ruin, actually, it’s a legally binding agreement that can sadly put you into bankruptcy rather quickly….

    and you STILL won’t own ’em…


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:39pm

  595. 595: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    rock me like the rock of ages, LOVE me like a rock, I love me love me love me

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:39pm

  596. 596: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    A bow to you and your beautiful stubborness…..is today better Ms. Dorothea? Yeah, I thought so too…Rori’s the one who said I should have a pix so people can see who they’re talking to…..now I’ve gotta get the other one back? It’s making it like full size, ummm I don’t wanna be the TOPIC….

    thank you and I support YOU! in your cause!!! Hooray with a flag….


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:41pm

  597. 597: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – it feels weird to be asked about my feelings… because my guess is you wnat my thoughts right?

    my feelings about what you wrote were: uhoh! fear, panic, feeling misunderstood

    (because im giving to you in efforts to help you and worrying that you’re not “with me” here)

    what i THINK is:

    yes he seems resistant to lean forward moves. (so what?) he cannot resist a FEELING.

    2. he doesn’t want to hurt you mostly cuz he sees u leaning forward, and it turns him off, and you havent stopped it, so he doesnt know what to do to get you to stop it, and he doesnt want you to keep getting hurt when your mascuilne efforts turn him off. Because unlike a man, you have feelings that are feminine, and being rejected is not healthy for a woman’s self esteem because we misinterpret it as about our femininity, rather than seeing that its rejecting only mascuilne moves we’re making, and femininity can never be rejected (because its ntever learning forward… feminine only accepts or rejects whats coming at Her)

    3. he doesnt have this spelled out necessarily, and if he did he might not tell u because it sounds weird, you might feel insulted, he might be judged as calculating and cold , he doesnt think youd understadn, or hes just doing it on natural male instinct and not even thinking about it

    2. and 3. dont even matter because theyre thinking about HIM! notice how long and convoluted!

    ick! i feel sunk!


    thats why

    i said when you say

    i miss you

    you might hear the real deal. he might talk about why he doesnt want to see you. or what he thinks.

    what he THINKS!

    so be open and be surprised

    let him speak

    be entirely silent, even after hes DONE speaking. wait like 5 seconds after hes done to see he’s not clearing his throat.


    dont say what you think.

    chekc what you FEEL . in silence.

    and speak that.

    it should feel very very different and cool to do that … like youre a sexy sex bomb with a deep raspy voice like Marylin Monroe style.


    PS – him texting YOU is progress. let it be that. you dont want to go in a textin relationship, but for now, youve been textin him. so him texting you, is just a start.

    like meeting for the very first time.

    and he just texted you for the first time.

    because until now you were blocking him with masculine energy by initiating.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:41pm

  598. 598: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wife and husband feel like ownership, to me.

    hmmm triggers… why so why so? not to me? not in a bad way! more than i OWN him when i bite into his flesh… haha

    the whole world likes em, but you dont

    surely you see theres something secret in there for you hiding… wanting to be discovered loved and brought to light

    about marriage husband and wife. and how they triggered so. when so they in themselves are words. that many honor.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:45pm

  599. 599: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes totally Daria. These words can be beautiful to some. I had a negative experience with them, so this is what colors my feelings about them. I am not alone in this.
    I have come to prefer the words I created, beau and lady.
    That’s all.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:51pm

  600. 600: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    okay!!! got it back small…..

    many honor? Tiger woods, elliott spitzer, jesse james…..

    many pay lip service to honoring, and many more cheat in silence and 50% of all break that vow…..

    I do not want to squash any dreams, but this is not a trigger for me, it is a reality….which the credit manager at the chevrolet place totally told me before I had a huge church wedding with 8 bridesmaids….and I’m glad I did, best party I ever threw, last time my whole family was on speaking terms, my mother was there…..

    and I would’ve filed bankruptcy 2 years later but I couldn’t afford to.

    I also then made up a new creed: always get an engagement ring big enough to hock to pay for the divorce lawyer.

    Not a trigger, a been there, done that, don’t wanna do it again…..

    but probably a trigger for those who believe in institutions.

    **I am just a small rock here, with a happy picture

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:54pm

  601. 601: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    RE: #602 – More excellent, rich stuff to meditate on! Thank you!!!!!!! I so appreciate this, and how I wish I had this at the beginning of my Ryan Year, 2009. I started with Rori’s materials at the end of April that year but it really is a process of learning and practicing, and I just couldn’t shift all the internal stuff fast enough.

    All you said totally resonates with me, and it feels like cheesecake topped with fudge and fresh strawberries sliding into my heart!

    I especially like the part about this being a fresh start! Ryan has given me many fresh starts, because he saw that my emotional intelligence was lacking. It feels so happy to know he is giving me yet another fresh start!

    I askeded you how you feel because I thought it was taboo to you to state what you think. 😛 (***sticks out her tongue and giggles!***)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:58pm

  602. 602: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps and it chaps this rock’s a** that it’s MAN and wife….wth???? yep, ladies only YOUR title changes…

    naaaah, I’m not going there, we are all on our own path anyways….

    I might do a ceremony with self written vows, though – hey! I actually married a couple once in a huge circle of candles with my minister’s license – which allows you to use touch in healing, btw…

    waaaaay off course….to exercising!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:58pm

  603. 603: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    why is that all?

    i know im nagging you.

    ok so yo got triggered by marriage, that means youre gonna not marry?

    and make up your own words

    this seems like holding on to some pain…

    i strongly feel a wall that says its not my business

    thank you wall

    i feel mistrustful of closing off discussion,

    because i know we use the tools to heal our triggers…

    like we wouldnt say, well li’m triggered by men who buy women dinner, so every man who asks me to dinner i’ll avoid, because i have had bad experiences.

    we usually go and heal that trigger

    so why not heal this one?

    i felt triggered when you were so thrilled about the ring, yet before that you said you werent really trippin…

    but when you got it it Was a big impact after all…

    anyway i feel afraid

    im feeling unheard and i just feel suspcious and weird about this… i don’t like the way it feels

    i don’t like the idea of getting triggered by marriage and writing it off

    when something triggers its mean to be healed

    and i want everyone to heal…

    wow i feel like im being fought off with politeness evasiveness, and ageness

    as in its really none of your business daria, and im not gonna discuss my personal business anymore, its not appropriate and its fine for me as it is…

    and i feel triggered by this voice, and by the attitude

    because it feels weird to have marriage

    a symbol of the forever relationship… be made irrelevant

    ohhh i hate that symbol, but i like what the symbol represents

    feels weird like an unhealed disconnect

    and i dont want to feel mistrustful or have unhealed disconnects confusions

    thank u

    feeling confused now

    thank u

    i love me anyway and everything i say.

    i love me

    i love me

    i love me

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 1:58pm

  604. 604: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – sounds like you feel angry ! thats good! but thats not really about Marriage.

    lots of judgements. yes many honor as in its a symbol of the forever relationship planetwide

    why decouple symbol from what it represents?

    unkless theres pain and trauma and stuff to be healed there?

    its like me screaming out . I REFUSE TO BE CALLED WOMAN!!!

    call me girl, call me female, call me anything but just not WOMAN

    and everyones like huh? whats her problem

    and then im like… well i feel triggered by it

    and everyone would be like…

    well check that out and heal that…

    cuz that feels weird to not call you WOMAN when you are a woman and we all call each other woman.

    and we can dig feeling triggered, we’ve all fet that way before…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:02pm

  605. 605: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! This is beautiful! I just got this eletter from Allana Pratt, another relationship coach:

    Glorious gorgeous Brenda

    Things have been rough for me to get along
    with my son’s father. I have maintained this
    defensive stance for years.

    At one point my strategy was to get so small that
    he wouldn’t bother me, stop threatening me, stop
    thwarting my plans… I got so small and clogged
    up my light so badly that my cash flow stopped,
    my radiant light was barely a flicker and I
    ‘thought’ this would make me feel safe, yet
    disconnected from Source, I felt more terrified
    than ever before and attacked more attack from
    him, family members and beyond.

    Not the solution.

    Then I got really big, worked my ass off to get
    out of debt, kicked ass on media, speaking, with
    products, creating massive breakthroughs with clients,
    courageously faced him and brought in the mediator
    and called him on his out of integrity. I was still
    ‘pushing’ and ‘trying’ to feel safe, being bigger
    than my oppressor, being fierce mother bear, angry
    and claiming my life back, and yet he simply got
    bigger too, I drained my energy, spent lots of money
    on the mediator, shields up everywhere, swords ready
    to strike, defiant… clearly not at peace or resting
    in the harmony that’s my birthright.

    Not the solution.

    What was in the way?

    What was I resisting?

    What was my real truth?

    What did my little girl inside really need?

    Hand on heart, letting my breath breathe me, I

    I want to feel safe to be fully and completely
    expressed. I want to feel seen and valued and
    celebrated. I want to shine in full color even
    if the world around is black and white. I want
    to love myself to much that it doesn’t matter
    if the world never changes from black and white,
    I mu st be free and feel the safety from within,
    release all resistance to what others do or say,
    and be 100% authentic shining me.

    I had been resisting my (created) oppressors, I had been
    resisting my truth, I had been resisting GIFTING
    myself with freedom, I had put up the block to full
    self expression, I had focused on the fear not
    giving myself permission to be alive and free and open.

    I heard my truth. I want 100% custody of
    my son. The truth is that while I’m grateful
    to my son’s father for showing me how I’d
    created a prison since childhood to survive
    and defend and look for the next attack… I’m
    ready to let it all go and step into my
    happy family life as a harmonious, peaceful,
    flourishing delicious sensual woman. He’s
    showing me that I can choose to resist him or be
    open to love and allow in my birthright of being
    valued, safe, adored, cherished… of having
    a fully thriving family… the works.

    I give my situation to God. I stop the mediation, I
    stop the fighting and resisting, I stop waiting for
    the other shoe to drop, I release waiting to be
    attacked, I stop thinking from the limited viewpoint
    of prison I’d created.

    Then you know what happened?

    AND COOPERATION. I allow myself to have peace, harmony
    and cooperation reveal themselves AS MY LIFE.

    Then you know what happened?

    I realized I already AM peace, harmony and cooperation
    and if I BE that then I feel wonderful! And he’ll either play
    along or move on! 50/50 or 100%, doesn’t matter!

    This is what it means to give it to God… choose
    what I want… which is really to remember who I am,
    then BE who I am and allow others to play along or
    move on… I need DO NOTHING! Control NOTHING! Fix
    NOTHING! I CAN totally let go and be amazed at how
    the mystery will unfold!

    I am a deeply sensual woman, inhaling and savoring the energy
    from Mother Earth who is my alley and assists me at
    every turn with sustenance, abundance and security.

    I am a deeply sensual woman, devouring and tasting life, in a
    delicious dance with the Divine as I walk, do yoga,
    meditate and also as I play with my son, go to the
    grocery store or sweep my porch… I keep my body open,
    my jaw soft, my eyes half inside listening to my feelings
    and half outside aware of the world, my vagina is
    soft as well, open to being filled, allowing of sensations
    of life force having it’s way with me, and my crown
    is open, the door has swung WIDE open in knowledge that
    the Universe is safe, on my side, thrilled to give me
    the Kingdom and so I open wide welcoming guidance,
    direction, and unconditional love.

    I am a deeply sensual woman, open to all, knowing as I
    breathe and listen and move through resistance, that
    life treasures me and brings to me to my Truth that
    sets me free and I can courageously let it all go, in wonder
    and awe at how LIFE chooses to unfold. I can trust it is
    all in alignment with my Divine Purpose for the highest good of all.

    I feel the feeling of a happy, safe, harmonious, joyous,
    peaceful, delicious family life and a sacred sensual
    p rofound relationship feeling exponentially valued beyond
    my dreams with my Beloved… and I allow it to be.

    And so it is, Amen.

    SISTERS~ Where will you release the resistance today and
    tell the Truth?

    Notice when Truth is revealed, your body will soften,
    and the flow will begin, and the magic will grace your feet.

    Be honest. Be tender. Be YOU.

    Deliciously yours, Allana

    p.s. I am the space to invite you to make these shifts
    and more (men, money, weight, full self expression)
    in your life as your coach with my 6 week Women’s Feminine
    Empowerment Group coaching starting Sept. 28th.

    I haven’t even advertized it and I only have 4 spots left.

    Email me back if you are ready to shift.

    Or call and my assistant will set up a time for us to
    connect during my office hours… 323 334 5232
    &nb sp;
    p.s.s. I love you… all the way to the core.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:11pm

  606. 606: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Yes I do have things to heal. I will likely always have things to heal.
    Yes I was and still am thrilled to have received this beautiful ring, and for me in this moment in time, this is deeply symbolic.
    When we decide where we want to put down roots permanently, we will buy a house together.
    This combined with much more importantly our profound love is more than I could have dreamed of having. A piece of paper won’t change this for me.
    That’s not to say I don’t think it’s a wonderful thing for others who really want it. It can be. It is.
    That’s not to say I will never marry. I may. It’s not for me a necessary element in my relationship.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:12pm

  607. 607: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    thank you….so my guy just asked me if I was exercising my fingers? omgosh….gotta stop. But I was thinking about my wedding dress my mother make – she gave me the needle in a little lace holder for my wedding gift – showed how many times she pricked her finger.
    and I rocked the dress….heeee…

    I am not a WIFE and hope to never be again, did not like it….do not like it….not angry, just decided and you can’t call me that if I’m not, unlike woman – and there is still some definite semantics with a man being a man and a woman being a wife – I think these days tho it’s husband and wife??? Hope so, I don’t like inequality. But I have been angry in the past; I recovered my life by the skin of my teeth….

    anyway, am gonna go workout my legs….

    talk later,

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:13pm

  608. 608: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – I totally love rings, as symbols of eternity….very cool! as are you…..

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:15pm

  609. 609: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Marriage is not a piece of paper. It’s a ceremony and the life of the forever relationship.

    the piece of paper is just a paper on which words ar written that state that a ceremony took place at such and scuh time.

    its a record of the marriage ceremony. not the actual thing.

    and its cool to be mad, in fact its fabulously lovely to feel angry, and hurt and unhealed… and feel it and and feel it… and then feel the amaizng joy and oneness

    judging a name and ceremony and loading it up with nv’s however, just like any other time, hides our feelings

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:33pm

  610. 610: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    mmm… i love the specifics of this part

    “I am a deeply sensual woman, devouring and tasting life, in a delicious dance with the Divine as I walk, do yoga, meditate and also as I play with my son, go to the grocery store or sweep my porch… I keep my body open,my jaw soft, my eyes half inside listening to my feelings and half outside aware of the world, my vagina is soft as well, open to being filled, allowing of sensationsof life force having it’s way with me, and my crown is open, the door has swung WIDE open in knowledge that the Universe is safe, on my side, thrilled to give me the Kingdom and so I open wide welcoming guidance,direction, and unconditional love.”

    i am just learning recently about keeping my jaw soft

    that makes a huge difference for me and feels scary and i also feel nauseaus and like my eyes are popping out my head


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:38pm

  611. 611: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    getting in my body feels scary and overhwlelming

    like an alien being born or tyring to breathe in fleshy form hmmff

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:40pm

  612. 612: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my temples feel squeezed tight and my tongue, or that gulp thing right undermy chin happens when i try to open my vagina

    and it feels lika lil light goes on in my tummy

    it feels very uncomfy that tighteend temples thingy

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:41pm

  613. 613: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ooh this is helpful for me with men:

    and woment! just realizing!

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    “Acknowledgement is for every teeny step along the way, not just when you’ve gotten everything you ever wanted.”

    wow. i am acknowledging more and want to acknowlege even more!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:48pm

  614. 614: lmNo Gravatar says:


    i liked seeing this in my mailbox today too. it’s sort of like gratitude for all the little things, not just the ONE BIG THING all the time.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 2:57pm

  615. 615: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, thank you ….I feel amused that you seem to want me to be MAD. Anyway, it is not a piece of paper it is a legally binding contract; it control’s where your money goes when you die, what you can do with your money and your property and what happens to your offspring in divorce and/or death. It’s a very very important contract. If you believe differently, I feel strongly urgently pressuringly that you look it up!!!

    One day I will get mad, but hey I throw stuff with unerring aim when I am mad…how can I do that here?? believe me, anger and I are old friends.

    When I have so much in my life to be happy for – some dreams are coming true, can’t I just be happy? excited, impressed/proud of myself???


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:19pm

  616. 616: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps….simple dreams as in I just walked 3 miles!!! whoo haaaa!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:19pm

  617. 617: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    about the only thing it might not control is debt collection, but I have 20 years later been called about my ex’s debts…..liens, inheritances depending on what you do with them…..how the deed to your mortgage is worded, how you apply for credit cards – whether you can keep your health insurance as one of our own demonstrates – it is a total government enforced contract!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:24pm

  618. 618: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps, I have to ration my ex husband from calling me….we still talk, only I keep it to like once a quarter….or I’d still be his best friend. Kind of nice….don’t hat the man, hate the contract. grins…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:25pm

  619. 619: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – I feel amused. i was just thinking… this might make Jaqueline feel angry… i feel surprised that she didn’t feel that way, and to say Sorry Jaqueline.

    I don’t want to make you feel anything … other than intrigued, and loved and good… and curious … and hit by an Aha moment

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:44pm

  620. 620: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    That sux aobut your contract issue —

    however that can happen with any contract, not just marriage.

    marriage is the symbol of forever relationship, even in cultures and communities where it isn’t recorded on a piece of paper, and comes with no contract

    throwing out the baby with the bathwater just buries all that “stuff” …

    what if marriage could feel great for you?

    trigger right?

    what if marriage felt lovely and safe? what if marriage was something honored? what if the contract is the irrelevant part ?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:49pm

  621. 621: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, I feel so amazingly impressed – wow- by your wisdom beyond your years on here today (yes, my perception). So many wonderful, helpful, healing things you wrote to Brenda! (Brenda, I pretty much agree with everything Daria wrote to you — and I feel so glad you felt connected with her today!!! <3)

    And then your words to Jacqueline and Tinque. Wow. While reading what you wrote, I felt a huge brilliant clear warm light shining all around and through your words, like a big opening in the sky where Love came pouring out and lit up the world.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:54pm

  622. 622: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    What about being married without anything but an understanding and/or commitment between two people?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:54pm

  623. 623: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I appreciate you and that sounds nice for someone else….I don’t want it. Never have…when an ex said you’ll never keep a man…I burst out laughing…KEEP ONE??? oh, no….I want a whole string of them.

    But safety has a siren’s lure to it, for sure. It doesn’t make you safe at all tho…..

    and the contract issues are probably from being an apartment manger in small claims court like 100’s of times…..

    smile…and off for now!

    Thank you, Daria

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:56pm

  624. 624: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ahhhh, yes, Tinque! I meant to say, I totally honor ceremony and symbols and committment….my word is my contract and is all I have in life….for me! If I promise you something, pretty much it’s going to take an apocalypse for it not to happen.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:58pm

  625. 625: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “What about being married without anything but an understanding and/or commitment between two people?”

    That right there is the nature of my divorce. :)

    I am divorced without anything but an understanding and commitment between my ex and me. :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:58pm

  626. 626: BellaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria & IM

    I am new at tapping. I have been reading Gary Craig’s EFT Manual, and I say my phrase at each tapping point, yet when I look at videos of tapping online they are only saying key words from the phrase at each tapping point.

    Would you mind sharing with me what works best for you? Saying the phrase at each point takes a long time to get through one session. I feel stressed now that I am questioning what works and looking for a faster way. (I need to tap on that!)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 3:58pm

  627. 627: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy I’m glad you’re here, because I want to ask you this question, and I haven’t for weeks….

    How can you rationalize wanting someone off on line dating to marry you to have sex with you when you’d have to get a divorce first, put your insurance in jeopardy, etc??

    It is your right to want what you want, but it’s like a total conundrum to me, and I’ve always wondered about it.

    Answer if you want, or I can just keep wondering?


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:05pm

  628. 628: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl! I felt so joyful and surprised and delighted reading your personal words to me! Thank you!

    And thank you for sharing your perspective on “coincidences” — “There are no coink-ee-dinks.
    Just lessons. God speaking to me and all of us sirens trying to get us to know and live according to love and love ourselves.”

    I wonder what God wants me to learn or see in this synchronization that I experienced……. God, I am open to learn what you want me to…..

    Love you, TG!


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:07pm

  629. 629: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, I would be happy to answer your question…. but I don’t understand what you’re asking. I would like to understand.

    I am thrown off already by the first few words — “How can you rationalize….” because I am not rationalizing anything.

    And I don’t understand the rest of the question either. :) Can you help me understand what you are asking?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:11pm

  630. 630: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Did anyone else get like ten different emails from Christian Carter today??? What’s up with that?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:17pm

  631. 631: slohammerNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Turtle Girl

    This is the first time I have ever e-mailed. thank you Turtle Girl for setting me up an E-mail address and instructing me to Rory’s site. I feel safe here so far to risk learning how to express myself with the computer, to all you fabulous women. I’ve known Turtle Girl for 15 years and she is one of my Dear ones. We learn alot from each other. i haven’t dated for many years. Had a marriage to a man, long story short gave my heart was betrayed. got divorced and gave my life over to my job and creating a safe little space to live….and then years went by. One night in the middle of my living room I said to God…”hey, I’m having a tough time here and I need some help. I’ve lost a purpose God and it seems like I’ve been telling my body to just give up and it seems that my body is starting to listen to me.. and thats not really what I want so please purpose yes thats the word I send to you. well after that night things started to change in my life. I’m now in a yoga class. I’m walking 5 miles most every day drinking green smoothies and giving myself massages and lots of self care. Something has started to happen it’s like I am connecting with my body maybe even my true self it’s hard to put into words but thats exactly what i’m doing here. So first things first nurture myself and who knows maybe I will become brave like you amazing women and at a later time begin to venture out into the realm of dating in the spiritual sense that I’m seeing here. Peace to each one of you….Turtle Hey Girl I did it…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:17pm

  632. 632: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to do my Dennis LEary song again

    I feel soooooooooooooooo jealous.
    I feel nasty and pouty and mean
    I feel snappy and miserable
    Who’s on My FB
    Money friend and her fiancee have thier engagement photos up…two are on my site. Don’t they look like a romance cover?
    I feel bored
    Oh look…jen feels bad cause her friend is doing well and is happy and looks fantastic …… again.
    what’s next.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:30pm

  633. 633: lmNo Gravatar says:

    bella – 631

    i started out doing tapping on certain topics using youtube videos.

    i had a session with erika and i have since used the recording of that session a couple of times. i find that it helps a lot to notice with the storylines and beliefs attached to the feelings. i really want to do more with her. i can’t believe how helpful her approach has been to me. i feel very excited about it.

    but for day-to-day stuff…if i am in the middle of a situation that’s stressful or triggering, (walking to work and thinking about an issue or in a long tense meeting) i will tap the karate chop point and say something like ‘even though i feel stressed out and this meeting is not going the way i’d like it to i love and accept myself completely’ and usually some other memory or situation will pop up and i’ll tap on that (‘even though this meeting reminds me of my first job interview i accept myself and i choose to feel good anyway’).

    it’s good to just let yourself talk about the whole situation (if you can) while you tap the various points. i always felt something was lacking when i just stuck to a script like ‘this feeling’ while going through all the points.

    i’d invest in some facilitation if you can. it’s pretty awesome to have something tailored to you.

    hope that made sense! :-)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 4:41pm

  634. 634: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Tina, I felt a hushed sacred awe last night reading your posts about your daughter and son. I felt love and beauty reading your words and could see your chldren so clearly in my mind, wrapped in golden threads of light and love by their mother. Thank you for sharing that with us. <3

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 5:25pm

  635. 635: BellaNo Gravatar says:


    YES, that makes so much sense, because I also feel like there has been something missing from my current routine. It does feel too “scripted,” so I love the way you describe talking it out and tapping on all feelings that might come up as I work through each situation. I feel really excited to try that now.

    Thank you so much for sharing that!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 5:26pm

  636. 636: lmNo Gravatar says:


    cool. that feels good to hear (or read, i guess!)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 5:29pm

  637. 637: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    Hey everyone,

    Wow, this post went crazy today. I tried to read through a bunch of the comments and I only have a few minutes before HBR sessions so I stopped reading part way down.

    In response to a few people who asked for clarification about my post #410 …

    It wasn’t directed at anyone here. Just a musing inspired by a few people’s comments and reflecting on my own experiences …

    HBR starts from a pure Law of Attraction premise, and that is, that there is no “world out there.” Everything is a projection of the mind, and created from within.

    From an HBR perspective, there are no “commitment phobic” men … everything starts with me. So if I have fear of commitment, I will “attract” or “manifest” men who appear to have fear of commitment, but really I’m just projecting my fear onto them … make sense?

    This means the only way I can resolve this problem is to resolve it within myself. I must dissolve every traumatic energetic block in my nervous system that is making me terrified of intimacy, and only then can a man commit to me fully. It’s never his fault. Ever. And if I try to make it his fault, I’ve given my power away by putting the problem somewhere I have no power to solve it. If I recognize the problem lies in me, I have all my power back. I can then systematically erase my own fear, which causes men to fall more and more in love with me. Because when fear is gone, love is all that is left.

    Re leaning back, I continue to believe that no amount of leaning back “behavior” will help when the energetic vibration of the woman is fearful. This is why instead of focusing on leaning back, I focus on finding all remaining pockets of fear within myself, and dissolving them.

    Ok, I gotta run … wish I had time to read all the comments …

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 5:36pm

  638. 638: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – I would like to now how you can expect a guy (stranger) to want to marry you when he dates you when you are already married and would have to divorce first. Then, if you said? that you wanted to be married to have sex, and maybe you didn’t a lot of people did to me….you would expect a guy you dated to wait for a divorce and a remarriage to have sex? It’s not rationalization, I knew that word was wrong. I just don’t get how it works for you in dating with new men. I know you wrote you wanted to BE married….so how would that happen logistically? I’m just curious, not judgemental – I wonder how guy’s take it, IF you are asking them for a serious committment.

    Thanks for listening….

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 5:52pm

  639. 639: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    Today I am letting go of my need for the fear of being powerful.

    And I am SOOO EXCITED!!! Because my stories I’ve told myself were just not true FOR ME! I can be powerfully compassionate. And powerfully wise. And powerfully empathetic. And powerfully feminine. And powerfully sexy. Oh, wait- I had that one mastered already.

    I had so much fun & tears with this on my walk today. And I came home to read here for a while and YAY!

    Dorothea #375! GRIN

    And Lizzie! I gotta say that your need a man with brains had me laughing out loud at the image I had of zombeh-siren-needs-brainz. But I totally get you on that.

    And since it’s a day here for asking probing questions and getting all up in each other’s junk in such a loving and meaning well kind of way…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:02pm

  640. 640: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, are you asking for an example of how it might play out for me?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:08pm

  641. 641: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I will say that I feel weird reading your question because it seems to be filled with assumptions that are inaccurate, so I feel confused. It feels like that question, “When did you stop beating your wife?”

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:12pm

  642. 642: AmberSNo Gravatar says:


    I just read through your process and I feel happy that you got the message you wanted.

    I was wondering tho about how you said you had to answer the phone or it would be a game. It would feel so good to me to know that you love and honor yourself enough to consider your own processing a valid reason for not being available when he calls. You don’t need to be out with anyone else to be busy.

    You can be busy healing yourself, or pampering yourself or letting yourself rest, or visiting with your friends on siren island!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:21pm

  643. 643: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    More lurking. Haven’t read all the posts, but…

    Erika, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your #641 post!

    Leaning back for me has become an issue of respect and trust.

    I respect his right to live his life in his own way, which includes pursuing me or not.

    And I trust that whatever decision he makes will be the best one for me, for him and for us. I further trust that God has put it on his heart to do the right thing by me and us (whatever that is). I trust God and I trust the guy (and of course I trust myself).

    And I rest in the knowledge that whatever is meant for me to do (even if it’s something that is perceived as ‘leaning forward’) will be brought to my attention and made clear that it is the next step for me to take.

    …but my default position is a leaned-back, open state.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:25pm

  644. 644: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Awesome, Siena! That’s what I’ve come to believe/realize/feel as well! Still working it out in practice, but I’m getting there….. <3

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:27pm

  645. 645: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, Jacqueline, I will give this a shot so I can be done before Psych comes on at 10. :)

    First, the assumptions in the question itself that (for me) make the question unanswerable as it stands:

    !. “how you can expect a guy….” I have no expectations.

    2. “(stranger)” I wouldn’t want to marry a stranger.

    3. “IF you are asking them for a serious committment” It’s the other way around — they ask ME for a serious commitment.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:31pm

  646. 646: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    Re Erika’s 641

    I just had a really awesome experience this weekend with the guy. He doesn’t compliment me verbally. I’m not going to dissect why here (although god knows I sure enough have done so in my head). It’s a challenge for me because I’m very accustomed to men who express themselves verbally with this type of thing.

    This feels bad to me. Yes, I have feeling messages. Yes, I could have seen this as a nice opportunity to practice, but what I discovered this weekend is- it’s not about him anyway. It’s about ME. And once I started giving myself all of the compliments I wanted to hear from him, it no longer mattered that he doesn’t verbalize these things.

    My vibe shifted. W00T!!!!! And I felt amazing. GRIN.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:35pm

  647. 647: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bored
    I feel annoyed
    I feel irritated
    I feel sad
    I feel numb.
    I feel overwhelmed
    I feel small and invisible
    I feel a little hopeless
    I feel a hole in me
    I feel resentful
    I feel annoyed…still

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:36pm

  648. 648: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    I feel stuck
    I feel short bus
    I feel missing out
    I feel like Im made of stone
    I want change
    I want progress
    I want different
    I want confidence
    I want fun
    I want romance
    I want some thing to write about on the blog except how much I feel bad and can’t get up the guts to wink at men on line and have no dates.
    I feel lewserish.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:39pm

  649. 649: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ll throw a bunch of stuff out here for you, and hopefully you can put it together in a way that answers the question in your mind.

    I have had three different men — fully aware of my situation — ask me to marry them in the past year.

    Here is an example of how it could play out if I wanted to marry the one who is still pursuing me: First, I say yes, I will marry you. Next, he says, “Great!” and buys me a ring and officially proposes. We begin to plan a wedding, set a date, decide where we will live, etc. That same week, I go down to the courthouse, file for divorce, and a few days later my ex and I sign all the papers. A few weeks later the divorce is legally finalized. I use COBRA to maintain insurance coverage until my wedding day (which may be a few months after the proposal) at which time I am then covered by my new husband’s insurance.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:39pm

  650. 650: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Some other info that may help:

    The kind of guys I am interested in are very open-minded, outside the box, color-outside-the-lines. They are very wise, loving, creative, brilliant, and artistic.

    TN man, for example, does not consider me to be married at all (nor do I).

    WH did exactly what I plan to do when he married his second wife. He was separated from his first wife, fell in love with R before the divorce was final, finalized the divorce, then married R.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:48pm

  651. 651: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    It’s actually not even that unusual, come to think of it.

    Most guys I date understand the circumstances — it makes complete sense to them — and does not deter them at all.

    As far as “waiting,” whether waiting for the divorce to go through to get married, or waiting to have sex — none of it will take any longer than a typical engagement period anyway. Know what I mean? There’s no extra waiting time at all.

    Please let me know if this does not answer your question.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 6:58pm

  652. 652: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    Mmmmmm…..what is this psych?………….where is the remote control…….?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:02pm

  653. 653: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I see; cuz divorce used to take like a 3 month waiting period – so meet a guy, get proposal, get engaged….the timeline didn’t add up. I see how the timeline could work for you now. But now I am further confused – didn’t you say you wanted to be married when you were first talking about garden guy? And yes, I think it is not that uncommon – one of the reasons I’m asking. No to ask you when you quit beating your wife – I don’t get that except it was some sort of sarcasm? I dunno….I was and am genuine in my curiosity. So, you have been seperated for almost 11 years and in the last year three men have asked you to marry them, and you did not want to for any of them. Do you have a list of exactly what you do want, or are you operating from a list of what you will not tolerate? And, how do you turn them down – do you remain friends or do you just say, no, it’s not you it’s me and lets move on?

    You are free to stop answering at any time….of course!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:11pm

  654. 654: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    ps – does divorce no longer require a three month waiting period? I know I can look it up but maybe it varies state to state. And officially proposes? Whenever anyone asked me to marry them I took it as official, so that’s confusing, as well. Like they want to know you’ll say yes first? I won’t do that….and well, if that’s what they’re doing it’s a good thing since somehow you told them no.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:15pm

  655. 655: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Amber, I am going to create a new profile on POF – my new name will be:

    Now lets have a blast creating the profile to go with:

    Are you a man with brains??? then this zombie siren needs you! A good match is all about how I feel and if I feel completely and totally ravished by you, then you will feel so incredibly wanted and desired that you will think you are knocking on heavens door!
    And if you think that is good, just wait until you see this goddess in a red leather bustier!
    Let the passion flow!! Unleash the power!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:16pm

  656. 656: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Amber – you know you are very beautiful and feminine yet strong, huh? and I just wanted to take the moment and compliment the hell out of you to make up for any missed communication that your guy may not be able to give you – he says to tell you he is so blown away by you that you have his tongue tied and he just kind of wants you to know that inside he’s aquiver……and he’s so PROUD to have you by his side! His voice is weak but his will is strong…..and he hopes you KNOW how great you are….and someday he can tell you too!!!

    In the meantime, you go girl!!!

    Waves hello,

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:19pm

  657. 657: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    Oh this could be totally fun! I am thinking maybe in November I might put myself back up there. And if I do, we sirens could have some terrific fun creating a total siren profile and we could have even more fun seeing if it actually works! What do you think?

    I am just busy at the moment – afterall, I must organize the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party so that Jennifer can come be a lingerie model with me. I just so love my life! I just don’t care that the tax department has decided to audit me……la di da!!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:20pm

  658. 658: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    RE: #625 – Daria said, “what if marriage felt lovely and safe? what if marriage was something honored? what if the contract is the irrelevant part ?”

    This is how I feel. I won’t marry a man again unless I feel this. I am totally against prenuptial agreements, and it is not in my vocabulary. To sign a prenuptial agreement is to say, “I don’t trust you and you don’t trust me.” It is an antithesis of marriage and love.

    Like Erika said, there is no fear in love. If I totally love a man, enough to marry him, I totally trust him.

    To me marriage is about total love, trust, and dedication.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 7:24pm

  659. 659: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Lizzie!!! you and your ladidah life….

    Twist her, bend her….to your will….it’s Zombie-Siren!! If you’re the brains, I’m the doll. Are you smart enough to riddle me this??? Puzzles accepted, parts included, no written instructions provided. If there is a warranty issue – YOU will be returned.

    Love the lingerie tea party mad hatter themeish thing!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:12pm

  660. 660: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Jacqueline. Divorce laws vary from state to state. In my state, a separation period is required before a divorce is granted (60 days? not sure), which of course we have gone waaaay over that requirement as we have been separated for many years. So it would just be a matter of the paperwork going through — less than a month according to my lawyer.

    I don’t understand what you are confused about with garden guy……?

    No, I don’t have a list of what I want or don’t want in a man. I just take them on a case by case basis. Mostly it’s like Rori says — it comes down to how I feel with a man.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:14pm

  661. 661: LizzieNo Gravatar says:

    oh gad, I love the warranty issues…you will be returned….love it!!…with all bits ‘n parts still intact…

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:21pm

  662. 662: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    How do I turn them down? I basically just tell them I don’t think we’re right for each other. One guy tried to stay friends with me, but he kept trying to convince me to marry him, so friendship really didn’t work for us. Another guy is one that I still date — I enjoy his company from time to time.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:21pm

  663. 663: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    When I read this My mind said “Daria ”

    Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass — it’s learning to dance in the rain.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:22pm

  664. 664: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    What do you mean by “I won’t do that”? You won’t do what?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:23pm

  665. 665: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    By “official,” in that context, I meant he gives me a ring. But I agree that a proposal can be “official” without a ring. It’s really just an arbitrary and possibly meaningless distinction — and was not really my focus when I mentioned it in the scenario I described.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:30pm

  666. 666: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Any more questions? :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:32pm

  667. 667: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nikita. Psych is a really fun show — I always laugh a lot when I watch it and that feels great! Tonight was the season finale, and there was a really cool romantic turn-of-events. :) My kids and I watch it together. Except now two of them are away at college, so I just watched it with my youngest.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:35pm

  668. 668: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Jacqueline, here is a link that explains what I was getting at with the “beating your wife” comment. I wasn’t being sarcastic at all.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 8:45pm

  669. 669: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I fell asleep reading the blog. Now it’s definitely past my bedtime. But I got in swimming and walking tonight. And I feel so happy today! I had such a happy day!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:04pm

  670. 670: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Lucy!!! I didn’t know if you were already separated the divorce would go right through! And, I see how it leaves you feeling very free even in your situation. That is good news! I think I will be more able to envision your different scenarios from now on….and that will make it more fun for me to be able to put myself into your shoes.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:07pm

  671. 671: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    aha! is that why you challenge my the assumptions behind the questions? I thought it was part of non violent confrontation speak.

    So, I like an a priori argument, myself…lol…

    Has anyone seen the Good Guys? OMG!!!! Bradley Cooper, and his ‘stache……just wow!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:10pm

  672. 672: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “What about being married without anything but an understanding and/or commitment between two people?”

    That right there is the nature of my divorce.

    I am divorced without anything but an understanding and commitment between my ex and me.

    ok Tinque and Lucy for sure this counts

    if youre married by mutual agreement

    but calling each other Married.

    (or divorced)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:28pm

  673. 673: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    applying rori’s tools got a job pursuing me and offering me better pay and benefits, practically begging me to work there. thanks rori.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:31pm

  674. 674: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    basically thats being married but having to hide it due to outside circumstances

    – ie persecution, discrimination, being stoned to death, losing insurance,

    but you can have a ceremony with your own way and call each other married and mean married then youre married.

    duh. (sorry not tryna be rude or direct that to yall)

    so youre Married. and you say so

    or you’re not

    its not about the recording of it.

    you can easily say, mommy and daddy are married but they dont want to get the record of it because it would cause trouble.

    that sounds like an oprressive environment

    we live in an opressive environment

    hugs everyone

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:31pm

  675. 675: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    im gonna apply to Chevys ,

    and im gonna tell them Im a writer (here) and that I want a side job. I live right here in … city… And I really like it here, I always feel great here and my friend [who recommended me] works here and I think I would really liek to work here

    probably all they’ll hear is feel great

    anyway i got the job because my friend whio recommended me is a top employee

    so this is tight!

    i was just talking to her, and because of level II feeling good about talking with her

    she even told me she slept with my ex (shes the nympho that was hanging out wiht my ex who is acting likea jerk after i talked to his friend)

    well messed around

    but anyway

    it felt really fun to talk to her!

    then i got distracted talking to my girl online

    but i swear listening at level II hella helps me feel closer to people

    and like feel more “connected”

    ugh i hate that word!

    i love my hate!


    ught what IS THAT!

    i love myself lol and my issues with connected

    i feel embarassed

    but whatever issue is it is its not something i wanna bring up here

    cuz its about me hating a whole group of people like for bieng snobby or smoething


    that word connected triggers that in me
    even just writing it i feel like wrteching

    like nikita with those songs


    i love my feelings

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:38pm

  676. 676: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    connected conneceted connnected

    ewwww grosoooosssssssssssssssssssss

    ewwwwww i fell like ewwww

    i feel like a lil kid actually feeling phyiscially sick
    from suggesting it to themselves



    i dono what this is about

    i feel like the lil kid on southpark who throws up when he sees Wendy

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:40pm

  677. 677: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    connected! ewww

    yuck ew


    get that thought away from me (i still doint know what it is )_ i just know im tightening up in werid ways just so i want think this thought


    i love my feelings and mh dont want to think this gross thoughtness

    thatnk you body and respression and whatever is doing this

    whoaa!!! i just deflated like a balloon

    all the tension

    it feels weird

    now im swaying side to sidelike

    a snake


    this feelis mucha


    my jaw is still frozen

    but my body is doing like a circular motion

    i am a dancer

    i am moving energy
    tahnk you body


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:46pm

  678. 678: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    “Are you happy with the mess your interruption has created?”

    Did you interrupt? Did the interruption create a mess? Neither of these questions can be addressed by answering “yes” or “no” in this case, because those repsonses would seem only to affirm or deny that you are happy. To answer complex questions, avoid simple responses. Here, you might say, “I didn’t mean to interrupt, and I can’t see that I caused any messes, but if I did, inadvertently, then I am certainly not happy about it.”

    I commit to asking and answering complex questions….thus you will note I avoid simple responses!

    Sounds like it parallels listening at level II…..

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:50pm

  679. 679: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    the section on the fallacy of shifting the burden of truth. Choose one of the following to go directly to another fallacy:

    Post Hoc Reasoning
    Straw Man
    Burden of Proof
    Circular Reasoning
    False Dilemma
    Unfair Fallacy

    I am in the school of life….and inadvertently have been handed a way to further my education into the way I question the question!!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:53pm

  680. 680: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my mom used to slap me or tell me to shut it when i hung with my mouth open. an that im a cow .

    i still do it tho

    and i think it looks sexy

    she said it make you look dumb. as in unitelligent

    i guess it do

    it makes it look like im having an orgasm


    mouth open is sexy and feminine

    like slightly parted


    i love me

    thank you mom

    i love your slaps

    i love you

    i love you moms


    my mom has class
    thank you!

    i love you mom

    this feels good

    that feels bad

    i like my mouth open NOW

    when i want to

    and i want to remember that i dont want to look dumb

    right mom?


    i Dont want to look dumb

    thanks mom

    that IS good

    ok lets do more

    I Dont want to look dumb

    why dont you want to look dumb?

    because people will be mean to you. they will be triggered by you. i love you

    i love your triggerdness

    i feel confused.

    what is IN this


    this is about your lack of self control

    thank you

    that feels bad to hear

    i feel ashamed

    and bad

    and not good enugh

    and now a lil angry

    and scared

    and on alert

    and tightened up

    and frightened

    i love you


    i love all my emotions even you

    even fear

    thank yu fear

    i feel terrified of you

    i love you

    i don’t know what else to do

    i don’t like feeling terrified
    i like feeling happy and good

    i don’t understand why terrified exists.


    why does terrified exist?

    terrified exists because you want it to


    thank you

    i feel a lil defensive

    i feel cold stone numb. not cold stony.

    i feel stony
    ohh i loke that feeling

    thank you
    i love you

    i love all my feelings

    i love my stony feleings

    i love my accentment

    i love my peackockeness
    my show off ness

    my dar t out and lt them seem me ness

    i love all my feelings

    i feel excited now

    i see my onw eyes glisten now

    out the corners


    i a msmililng

    i feel devilish

    what is this feeling

    of glory and ego joy

    i loooove this feeling

    and i feel scared

    that ist BAD

    its bad to feel selfish

    i feel like glutton avarice selfish

    like scrooge selfish

    like hehe i got a plan selfish

    i feel eveil =
    and i feel good

    i feel scared

    i feel confused

    what is in this

    i dont like to not understand

    i NEEED TO UNDERSTAND . that is my stylo. ugh i feel stabeed in the back

    thank you

    i love my feeling s

    of tumult and turmoil and all my feelings

    i want to feel good and calm and sure and understanding

    and i want to feel compassionate

    and lovely

    and delightful

    and i want to feel adoring of all parts of me



    im lucky

    so it will happen

    i will make myself a lucky crown

    ~~’ ‘“

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 9:57pm

  681. 681: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer – your jealousy is so fuc9kin sexy. i lvoe it. its fu9ckin intriguing. i think your awesome.

    i still want you to get on my 2 pt program

    it was the:

    commit to neva speakin bad on the goddess ~ you konw which one i mean most of all ~ me~ jk ~ You

    and to always remember your naturally lucky. so naturally if youre jealous you are gonna get that and better.. cuz thats what happesn to lucky people. and you are now one of them



    looks like a pizda

    that your friend photographs hehe

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:03pm

  682. 682: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Galen Strawson wrote that an a priori argument is one of which “you can see that it is true just lying on your couch. You don’t have to get up off your couch and go outside and examine the way things are in the physical world. You don’t have to do any science.”[1] There are many points of view on these two types of assertion, and their relationship is one of the oldest problems in modern philosophy.

    aha! why I love a priori….and one more coming up….

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:04pm

  683. 683: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    An ontological argument for the existence of G*d attempts the method of a priori proof, which uses intuition and reason alone.[1] The argument examines the concept of G*d, and states that if we can conceive of the greatest possible being, then it must exist. The argument is often criticized as committing a bare assertion fallacy, as it offers no supportive premise other than qualities inherent to the unproven statement. This is also called a circular argument, because the premise relies on the conclusion, which in turn relies on the premise.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:05pm

  684. 684: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    and that, my Dear Daria Darling Woman is why my mind thinks in circles! It’s not making fun of it’s endlessly looping….and I paid good money to make it go that way…..hah ha…..

    My mother used to tell me “you’re getting LOUD” ummm and so??? yep, there was definitely something going on with LOUD – but I wasn’t buying it!

    Nite, all darlings and sirens….


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:09pm

  685. 685: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im special

    vs. not special

    special means better than

    im better than everyone else at being me

    how can i not be special?

    how can anyone


    not special

    is like all the same


    special and not special


    i just Decide to believe that being me. is a big deal. because its my stretch of time. and im walking on it. and i can. for this par to f history. do me. because. we dont get to the next chapter. over here.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:16pm

  686. 686: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina – yeah! I felt like Lucy. you painted a picture of each of them it was like a story. you could publish it or save it. im gonna save it for you so hit me up actually.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:19pm

  687. 687: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina got that native storytelling thing going.! hehe!! go Tina! go. I love tina. I love native people l. I want to visit Tina at the reservation.

    Tina I might move to Toronto. Are you by there?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:20pm

  688. 688: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Im serious. My guy friend lives in Toronto and is gonna fly me up there to stay with him. He owes me.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:20pm

  689. 689: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OOOH PowerfullY Compassionate. Thanks AMBER!


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:34pm

  690. 690: DariaNo Gravatar says:


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:35pm

  691. 691: DariaNo Gravatar says:



    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:37pm

  692. 692: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Chris Brown! Deauces! My new Baby is drama free… wont call the police on ME lol! Deuceus

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:38pm

  693. 693: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely sirens, I’ve been lurking here for a couple months and finally decided to step up and show myself! You’ve all been an inspiration and I’ve so enjoyed reading your stories and explorations and celebrations.

    I am writing now partly to keep myself from texting my main man, Surfer Dude. We became exclusive after a couple of weeks of dating (it’s now been 3 months), but then a couple of weeks ago I gave him a version of the No Girlfriend speech. I’ve gone on 2 dates since then. Wasn’t into either of the guys. I spent Labor Day weekend with Surfer Dude, and I felt close and warm and good. But then we hung out with my friends and their 2 month old baby on Monday and he said he doesn’t feel drawn to that whole domestic scene. And that’s what I want. I got a little teary-eyed.

    He called yesterday, but we missed each other. He was going out with friends. Normally I’m not that jealous, but I had the weirdest feeling that he met someone last night. Blech! I called him today, but haven’t heard back. He has a weekly event on Wednesdays, so he’s probably out. But my crazy NVs are telling me he’s pulling back. I don’t even know that I want him. But I want him to want me! (Anyone remember the Cheap Trick song, “I Want You to Want Me”?

    I have another circular date on Monday. I went out with this guy years ago on one or two dates and he just reconnected with me. I don’t remember being very attracted to him, but I’m trying to keep an open mind. I liked what someone wrote recently about their last 2 LIs not getting them all hot and bothered initially, but then things being super steamy ultimately. Yum!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:38pm

  694. 694: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline have you read Rori’s e-book ?

    im not tryina insinuate you havent but i just notice that sometimes some of the beliefs that Rori talks about you are suprised by… whichi is cool.. but i wonder if

    this is a new siren? as in, having read the book, you’re checking out the blog…

    or are you just dipping in and havent read the e-book…

    either way i Think you should. cuz it has some stuff about feminine masculine adn like who pursues and feeling messages and why like a whole chapter

    sorry i can feel bad that this may come off ofensive. its cool that you are here i really want to refer you to the e-book tho

    even if all you want is to write your own blog. which is cool. but Rori’s ebook really rocks. I wish i could impress you enough to get you to read it, but i really think it will help you in life. its certainly changed mine.

    i am like the Rori witness. Knock Knock. eXcuse me. have you heard of Rori Raye? oh you havent? oh

    well may i come in and tell you about her philosophies

    thank you


    i am a Rori Raye disciple. and her programs rock. and i want everyone to be Roried out . to the hilt.

    do you rock your rori?

    have you rocked your Rori today?

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:45pm

  695. 695: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a couple of men call me. Hmm. I kinda wana go out and i kinda dont. Its not romantic enuf for me. blah.

    i feel like i discredited myself as a speaker
    but eff that

    i feel embarassed to “be caught” not getting wath i want

    how humiliating

    i love me

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:46pm

  696. 696: LakshmiNo Gravatar says:

    I feel scared
    I feel angry
    I feel tense in my belly
    I feel sad
    I feel abandoned
    I feel like a little girl
    I feel like punching Surfer Dude in the nose
    I feel like screaming
    I feel like f*cking
    I feel so mad
    I feel cheated
    I feel small
    I feel tense
    I feel jealous
    I feel crazy wild-haired psycho b*tch
    I feel tired
    I feel unworthy
    I feel perfect
    I feel face tight head tilted back neck scrunchy
    I feel like escaping my body
    I feel desire
    I feel contraction
    I want to feel expansion breadth (and breath)
    I feel head is too big thinking too much
    I feel lonely

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:48pm

  697. 697: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria!! Rori had the idea for me to write!!! It was her words that put it into action/reality. I’d never really felt it was “all that.” lol…..

    And no, I didn’t get the book, I got the Heart’s tools kit… wanted to invest wisely…so thought I would get more tools in an $80 program.

    I am NOT selling anything. There aren’t even any ADS on my blog, no ebook, no anything. I am showing myself and maybe whoever wants to notice how I design, create and write.

    I could understand all this if I were trying to sell something, or if I were bashing Rori….but I love Rori. However, I am not a disciple…..I have a viewpoint and a voice.

    And before I mentioned the blog, before I expressed my voice I wrote Rori and respectfully asked her advice on it. Of course she said it’s your blog, do what you want…and then she said, but you can link to mine, it will help your traffic.

    So, I am on Rori’s page okay? And I’m not going to justify, defend or explain anymore…….I’m just HERE because I want to be!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:55pm

  698. 698: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Jennifer. Great job using I feel.! that way you’re not putting yourself down. I feel compassion. I don’t want to see you feeling bad so much eaither boo boo.


    now do a flip k

    im gonna do one

    then u do them

    this is part of being lucky

    “if i was lucky i would be….”

    then you complete the thought


    then … tell yourself. i Am lucky. yay!

    thats it.


    I feel stuck —- I want to feel free
    I feel short bus —- I want to feel smart and wise.
    I feel missing out —- I want to feel included and lucky.
    I feel like Im made of stone — I want to feel fluid and rhythmic.
    I want change — Change would feel like the world opening up!
    I want progress — That would feel like… my chest feeling bigger… and growing
    I want different – that woudl feel exciting, and fun, and safe, and great, and smell really good air
    I want confidence — That would feel like smiling and having my head high
    I want fun – like laughing over spaghetti
    I want romance – that would feel like red velvet flower pettals surrounding me
    I want some thing to write about on the blog except how much I feel bad and can’t get up the guts to wink at men on line and have no dates. — I want to write about how i feel good, how powerful i am, how i turned it all around because I SAID SO and i JENNIFER AM IMPORTANT.

    yay flip list

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:55pm

  699. 699: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    And I came back to crow over the fabulous news that Google has found me, but that took the wind out of my sales. Please quit infering/implying or just downright telling me I am not where I need to be, or we can talk by email if it really needs further discussion.


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:56pm

  700. 700: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Lucy for insurance transfer power. Damn. Lucy siren skills. you got it ! yeah.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:57pm

  701. 701: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Awe Daria, let me know when you move :)

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:58pm

  702. 702: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    all women are inherently smart yum. and inherently belly delicious.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 10:58pm

  703. 703: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Are you a man with brains??? then this zombie siren needs you! A good match is all about how I feel and if I feel completely and totally ravished by you, then you will feel so incredibly wanted and desired that you will think you are knocking on heavens door!
    And if you think that is good, just wait until you see this goddess in a red leather bustier!
    Let the passion flow!! Unleash the power!”

    omg my mouth dropped open. that feel stuff was so sexula

    i need to start using the word ravisehd. shoot im stealing this all. im tyiping this out here out of memory so i can remember it forever.

    its all about how i feel about you, and if i feel totally ravished , no and if i feeel completely and Totally ravished by you

    competely and totally ravished

    hey papi

    so, woman what do you bring to the table?

    well… its all about how i feel … and if i feel compltely and totally ravished by you then YOU will feel so *checks original* then you will feel so INCREDIBLY WANTED AND DESIRED

    you will feel so incredibly wanted and desired

    omg i feel scared to say that to a man

    that would feel awesom

    then you will feel so incredibly wanted and desired – but i believe it. so i will say it. my style. flatline tone.. u will. feel. so l. incredibly wanted and desired that you will think you are in heaven

    and thats what i want

    practice again

    omg i feel tears in my eyes

    i feel blessed

    LIzizie you got game . i honor u.

    im like dripping tears of shceming lovey excitment of beign a woman

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:05pm

  704. 704: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i get it now! i get “that weird teary eye feeling” when im exicted.

    my eyes tear up when i feel excited! yay! ive been tryina figure out that enigma forevr

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:07pm

  705. 705: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i gotta get comfortable with saying

    incredibly wanted and desired that you will think you are in heaven

    like am i really that good?

    do i dare be that good/?

    well if marriage is all i want it to be, and what i want, then it will be that good. so i might as well tell the truth that yeah.. its taht good.

    if it wasnt , then i dont wan tit. i want it to feel like heaven
    my relationship

    for real

    heaven on earth

    get it
    father heaven mother earth

    hump hump


    boy you will feel so incredibly wanted and desired taht you will think you are in heaven on earth


    i love me

    i just had an orgasm sound of how pleased i am

    i feel embarassed and am making funny faces to cover it up like i always do

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:10pm

  706. 706: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    like chocolate. ooohhmmm … that sound

    bug loud and spontaneous

    my body makes these loud sounds, of expression and passion and i feel mortified

    i love me

    wow it did it again like a weird grunt thingy

    i feel sooo strange


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:11pm

  707. 707: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – “I am not a disciple…..I have a viewpoint and a voice. ”

    Eww excuse me i dont like it implied that i dont have a viewpoint and a voice since i said i was a disciple.

    this feels very NOT good to me

    and i don’t like being talked to that way.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:22pm

  708. 708: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t like to be accused of stuff.

    I got the impression that you thought of making a blog, about relationships, then started researching… so thats why you hit rori first, and asked her if you could post it, once you got an idea what to write about.

    is this true?

    even so, thats all cool, it triggers me and i feel weird.

    now since you have your blog – basically i’ve been feeling triggered – your posts seem very superficial and i feel disconnected from you

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:25pm

  709. 709: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t either….and feel you are not listening to me…..at any level. So I’ve emailed you and if you want to talk there we can. Otherwise I’m just not going to do this, for the second time, too…..

    Night all…..


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:27pm

  710. 710: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – although your language is beautiful and your kindness is sweet. you seem to be operating in masculine mode.

    i feel closed off from you. i don’t like superficial posts,

    judgements assumptions, clever wise “win it” phrases with subtle meanings


    we can all do those, and we already talked about before you were here that we are non judgement here and practicing feeling messages and non attacking beacause that style of speaking feels bad

    and i know you use them cuz youre used to it and etc, but i am refraiinig from attacking you and i

    feel angry. a nd i dont want to be taken for being soft or weak or made fun of thank you. i feel threatening.

    this feels bad. i dont want to feel attacked argued with , accused of stuff. i feel exasperated and annoyed and frustrated.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:29pm

  711. 711: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    @jacqueline. it’s of course good to have viewpoints. it’s even better to actually view what you’re making points about (ie rori’s programs, tools, paradigms)


    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:31pm

  712. 712: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t want to talk on email. I will probably answer you , but for me this is something that i dont really want to deal with off blog… it feels directly related To the blog

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:31pm

  713. 713: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i agree that this is a way bloggy issue.

    hahahaha i feel amused and loving towards me, the uninvited peanut gallery.

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:34pm

  714. 714: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I BOUGHT THE PROGRAM!!!! is anyone listening?????

    I use:
    be the cat
    lean back
    water wheel

    I may use feeling messages in life when I feel like it – but there is NO where that says you must use them here.

    Also please note I asked Rori about being here in my voice this is Rori’s blog….why all the hating?!!!

    and yeah, two people? feels attacking….and not moving it off privately….feels superficial. and making it about me….feels wrong.

    I am now using the tool called walk away and do something that makes you feel happy.

    I hope in the future people discuss some of Rori’s other tools in greater depth and show how they have success with them.

    This is not a contest, nor is it WWE….is it???

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:39pm

  715. 715: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    yes Rori did say that we must use them here, this blog is about feeling messages.

    if a siren just CANT use them because she has a STRONG RESISTANCE then she of course can still post

    however, she will likely trigger the hell out of all the rest of us who are “working hard” here to not attack her and speak in feeling messages.


    and boy voice feels bad from another woman, unless someone specifically asks for step by step teacher advice

    Rori is the only boy-voice to be had here

    this is a chorus of girl voices from females. masculine voices from women feel like attacks, using logic , arguing feels bad.

    this place feels good when it feels safe to FEEL

    i dont like my place made to feel bad!

    i dont like loaded question,s attacks, judgements!

    i feel frustrated! i feel angry! if eel intruded upon in my workspace by someone who makes fun of me!


    i feel mirror haha
    probably the same to you

    i feel so angry!

    i feel fruiosu

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:44pm

  716. 716: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “I hope in the future people discuss some of Rori’s other tools in greater depth and show how they have success with them. ”

    what you tryina say girl, that i dont have success with them?

    i feel very successful with my rori tools and i show how i have suceess with them everyday

    i feel so angry i feel like kicking your butt

    omg i feel furious



    so. maybe i dont have success with them. maybe im not getting what i want. so what. ilove me anyway.

    i dont want to be put donw. i love me anyway.

    i love me anhway. i love me anyway

    i love me anyway i love me anyway
    i love me anhwy ail love me anyway

    i feel wounded

    what do i do now

    i fele like all the blood is drainign out of me in this one big wound

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:48pm

  717. 717: NikitaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like sitting in the balcony with Dorothea and throwing peanuts!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:49pm

  718. 718: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i ffeel shaking and quivering with pouty lip,

    i feel so not good.

    i feel sacared

    i love me

    i am safe
    i feel chihuaha like

    its ok to feel hcihuaha like


    i love you baby

    i love you

    i love you

    deep breath


    good babhy

    baby fairy big vibrations

    i love you

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:50pm

  719. 719: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel the back of my neck squeezing, tensing. i feel stinging shooting up my neck. i feel lateral squeezing on my sternum. my breath feels squeezed too. i feel wrenched, run out like a rag

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:52pm

  720. 720: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    iu feel upset… waah…
    more love please!!!
    i feel scared inside!

    i love me

    i love m

    i love you beautiful girl that is quivering

    i love me

    yes me

    yes i love me

    you are safe

    i will protect yo

    you are very brave

    even if shes mad at you for sticking up for you

    i love you

    even if you made mistakes and shes mad at you and you feel guitly

    i love you

    i will protect you

    even if shes mad at you

    i will protect you

    you are safe

    you are a good baby

    you are a good girl

    i love you

    i got you

    i got your back

    i am powerful

    i got you

    i got you

    i geto you

    yup yup

    there we go

    its all good

    youres safe girl

    that was fun huh

    geting in the ring in there

    woo hooo

    the feeling message ring

    got some kicks huh


    how you feel



    poor baby

    i love you

    i love you

    its ok to feel sad

    its good to feel sad

    i want to feel heard and loved and harmonious yes


    i love you

    thanks for letting me know

    im gonna make it that way for you ok

    youre great

    thank you for telling me

    thank you for telling me you felt scared of her


    poowr baby

    i love you

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:54pm

  721. 721: dorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am looking at the minutia of what is being said and how it is being said to avoid feeling my real feelings beneath judgment and defensiveness.

    hello feelings.

    you are hurting my neck!

    Wednesday, 8 September 2010 @ 11:54pm

  722. 722: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – tell me more about be the cat

    and how you use it

    i feel intrigued by this tool .. miaw

    and now i feel scared you’ll think im bieng sneaky – no, i serioulsy realized i forgot to acknowledge that you do have a program and are using tthe tools. thank you for telling me that i feel glad for that. –

    and i really want to know more about be the cat…

    also if anyone knows… about how to end a convo sirenly…

    like a short phrase to say when to get off that sounds feminine yet not like you’re dissing him

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:01am

  723. 723: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    on the phone

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:02am

  724. 724: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – and Hi, peanut gallery….it is 2 a.m. here and I’m missing sleep to work on this with you. You came after me, you internalize everything I say….I mean OTHER tools than feeling messages that have success. No one talks about the water wheel, for example…… I do not know if you are a succcess or not, nor do I care in that sense. You be the judge of that.

    Rori said my voice was needed as a trigger because if no one triggers no one else can grow.

    I have tried hard hard hard to stand up to the challenge…..and not attack and stay curious and use the tools I want to pick up.

    No matter what I say, I’ll be wrong at this point. I am going to leave at least for tonite and table this discussion.

    I can see how you want a safe place, I can also see how people want to grow, I will probably always trigger you no matter how I speak. I don’t feel like I can fix that.

    I feel exhausted……so once again, goodnite.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:02am

  725. 725: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    not a phrase to say when to get off — tho that would be interesting too???

    but a phrase to say when to get off the phone…

    wihtout making him suddlenly sound all kinda hurt

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:04am

  726. 726: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    actually i was asking because i did it today, and i forgot wht i did

    i was down deep in sireneess
    very quiet

    so i said

    welll im gonna call my girl to figure out what to do


    that convo felt good

    when should i call you

    mm whenever

    (shoot he couldnt get to me)

    2 guys wanted to kick it tonite bu ti dindt feel lik eit

    i felt like being on the blog lol

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:05am

  727. 727: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    lol….the cat just curls and purrs…..and I shall now go melt…..I need you strong Daria, don’t know why….it’s just the way I like the world to be! and I sure as hell don’t want to be the one who wounds you!!!!

    nite again….peanuts, too….!

    it felt so good to talk, but now I’m getting sleepy…..Rori writes about it somewhere…..

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:06am

  728. 728: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Jaqueline – i feel sad about this feeling message thing. i wish this wasnt an issue. i wish you were using feeling messages already.. i feel sad seeing you reject them when i love them so and have helped me and all my siren sisters

    i would love to talk about ALL of rori’s tools!

    thank you!

    please tell moire about the waterwheel! and all the tools, and how they FEEL

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:09am

  729. 729: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    anger anger anger. i attracted a couple men that made me feel angry. mm.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:16am

  730. 730: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i just found out my girl Was sleeping with my dude!

    i have lots ofthoughts about it right now i feel amused

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:47am

  731. 731: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    nympho girls have sex with everyman


    well i feel nonplussed


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:48am

  732. 732: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i guess i do feel mad about it

    i feel like it gives me a great excuse to act sarcastic


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:50am

  733. 733: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im bored. this is actualy Interesting.



    they are so waek


    and they acted all cool around me

    ohhh we are brother and sister


    funny fun fun

    and i was like

    hell naw

    i kept cutting out


    and i am dating his friend


    this whoe swithch thing was actually my idea

    and now it actually happend


    well i did think theyd make a good match

    cuz he can annoy her


    can i let go of him

    not really


    i am mean

    i crave the atteniont

    i feel like shes beneath me

    i dont wan to let go of him to her even tho i think theyre a better match and i hooked them up in a way

    and there we go

    i dont want to let go i dont want to let go


    still my man


    pullin on hthe rope

    come ere


    funnyyyy stuff

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:52am

  734. 734: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel selfish saying i dont want to let go… i choose to see a win win win

    well ok so you all did it, and yeah, who cares… i guess?

    wheres my win

    and i idi t with his friend

    who is hella fine

    but i didnt do it with him yet. he was just on the hpone.

    im leaning back.

    he says to call him when i want to kick it

    but i havent



    hes so fine but i still feel kinda scared of him unsure cold

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:55am

  735. 735: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    telenovela life. i feel jealous now.


    i guess i feel numb

    what i f i wind up feeling hella mad and beating her ass

    oh man


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:56am

  736. 736: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    not even. im about to work with her. i dont even give an eff. yeah. cuz i know he’s spring on me and shes is literally a nympho and she sleeps with everyman that wants to with her… so thats a duh and not in a bad way but of course if he tries it it wuold happen


    so yeah

    im glad i told him to stop calling me!

    im such a genious

    i a m a genius

    i got more game than your grandma

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:58am

  737. 737: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    now shes drunk tellin me about how he tried to do her in the booty. this is crazy

    bad girls club / daria

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:10am

  738. 738: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    shes drunk and shes like… im sorry how can i make it up to you?

    like a milion times.

    and im like… umm.. hehe.. you could buy me some weed tomorrow {blurb for womens movement on marijuana, check it out on facebook}

    and shes like still talking and talking about it for like 2 hours cuz shes durnk

    and then i was like umm yeah.. so then i brought it up that is she gonna get me weed lol and shes like WHAT?

    im like wow !! is she serious?? she slept with my dude and shes indignant that i asked her to buy me some weed to make it up to me? wow!!


    soooo funny shady


    then shes like

    well are you gonna make it up taht you slept with


    this guy shes in love with.

    who was my best friend. and lover. in highschool.

    so im like


    i was with him first



    she hung up on me.

    now she called back.

    shes like

    are you mad at me.

    im like yeah.

    i think youre drunk

    call me tomorrow


    shes like ok


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:42am

  739. 739: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lol it sounds a lot “cuter” when i typed it out.

    it feels kinda icky tho and i dont’ like feeling this way


    i love my felings

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:43am

  740. 740: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like im “putting up with her” constantly. I don’t like feeling that way, it feels icky, and i do like feeling the feeling of being powerful… and i feel icky about THAT


    i love me

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:45am

  741. 741: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel ashamed that i feel powerful that i feel lik eim putting up with her. like im doing her a favor to be her friend. she like gives gives gives.. but she is not trustworthy.

    i feel bored. i feel annoyed. i feel plah.

    i desire weed.


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:47am

  742. 742: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    we were just TALKING about a girl like that from highschool.

    and now another one.

    i attract low self esteem nymphos.

    because im a pimp.

    i love me.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:47am

  743. 743: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    you know what made me fall in love with 19 man?

    when i showed him this female martial arts fighter

    and he said its cool… he wants to save it so he can watch it again!

    i felt so gooood

    cuz he didnt do it on purpose i guess?

    i just felt so happy that he was interested in waht iwas intereinte in

    no i feel a lil unsure

    like uhoh

    is that a good thing

    well i feel seen


    i get it!

    i felt seen by him and it feels LOVELEAHAEEHUU

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:51am

  744. 744: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    he said were gonna kick it tough when he gets back!


    so excited

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 1:52am

  745. 745: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG. Corn tortilla chips with a big chunk of Gorgonzola blue cheese

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 2:18am

  746. 746: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    shes gonna have to buy me weed. im giving her the players way out. just make it up to me .. buy me some weed. its good.

    if she trips about it sober. then im gonna show her how serious this could be.

    like… shes trying to take over him now

    like im supposed to now basically respect and give them space

    but hold on girl you just started dating my dude… and um.. were lying to my face


    and now since i didnt make a big deal or say you bitch dont ever call me im gonna kill you

    youre gonna be like oh yeah tralala

    i dont want to be walked over

    buying me weed is the least. thats what id do t my best friend.

    i feel sorry for this girl yall.

    i dont really want to hang out with her, but it feels fun, till “issues” pop up.. eughf.


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 2:23am

  747. 747: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im a mack. im a natural hustler… yay… i feel embarassed about this and afraid and really happy.

    cuz i didnt think i was but i am.

    im like

    u fu9ckd my ex boyfriend?

    gimme 25 dollars


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 2:26am

  748. 748: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Last night I had a dream. Dreams some times tell me stuff that MIGHT happen…and some times i’t show I process stuff.
    I dreamt that I was working somee awful job. It was hot and I hated it. I knew the money watsn’t good either.
    I got in a car with my parents who were BOTH driving and headed home.
    B kept calling me on the cell phone demanding to know when i would be home. I kept saying “I’m not driving. I dont know”
    He kept getting madder and madder.
    FINALLY we got home. And B was gone. and he left a mess.
    So um yeah.
    I think trying to get home is me trying to work through my emotional stuff from being a kid.
    And all I got from B is like “Geezus…are ya DONE yet?” then he abandoned me.
    I want a man who is in the car with me. A man who stops the car at the side of the road and gets in there and rides with me.
    A man who can stand near when I’m angry and understand that it’s part of “working it out” to work through my feelings…..not tell me we cant’ work it out if I’m angry.
    Which to me sounds like “you having feelings is impeding the process…stop feeling stuff.”
    Do guys like that exist?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 3:46am

  749. 749: JenniferNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria…
    You’re soo supportive and I appreciate that.
    I cant wrap my head around my jealousy being sexy. It feels hella bad.
    But thanks
    I like the flip list. The filip list makes wickid sense to me. Tell my brain that the opposite is true….brain doesnt’ know the difference between reality and inner dialogue.
    Infact many people believe that there IS no reality.
    Which I can certainly get behind.

    Just for the record…how many Candian Sirens do we have here?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 3:50am

  750. 750: maryNo Gravatar says:


    my guy called.

    he invited me out. i went.

    he was a perfect, unbelievable gentleman.

    i did not give him the no girlfriend speech. i did tell him i had plans this weekend. and i told him what they were (with girlfriends.)

    he asked me out for Sunday.

    i said yes.

    i’m not gonna bring out the big guns (my speech) unless i need them.


    i feel happy again.

    thank you all for the help today.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 5:29am

  751. 751: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Jennifer (#751),
    very interesting dream and I like your interpretation. I can very much relate to that feeling of impatience in a man, when it comes to MY emotions. And even more to this: “you having feelings is impeding the process…stop feeling stuff.” OMG, it feels like death on the inside. If I can’t feel, I’m nothing, I don’t live I just exist.

    On the other hand, the men who seemed very interested and concerned about my emotions at first were the ones who would later on in the relationship use their understanding of my feelings to manipulate and belittle me. That was worse. I have to admit that men, who are too much interested in my emotional life make me suspicious. I want them to make them open up instead.

    So here’s where the feeling messages come in, I guess. A good feeling message should be one that enables the man to become aware of my feelings, respect them and then build them into “the process” rather then “impede”? One that makes him feel comfortable and safe to open up himself.

    — Sirens, correct me if my understanding is wrong, please………

    Question: how do I know when my feeling message was successful? Does it have to have a purpose?
    Like, I practised on this guy from the dating site, who contacted me, wrote to me, then asked for my phone no. After I gave it to him he wrote me a really stupid message ….he had thought and thought about it and in the end decided to thank me and wish me luck. Huh?? It pissed me off and usually I would have let it go, but I decided to practice and write to him exactly how that made me feel without directly attacking him. I thought if he answers back, then something worked, because it’s a sign that it got to through to him.

    What do you think?


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 5:48am

  752. 752: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria — Could you tell me where, exactly, it says that posters are to only use female voice on this blog? You’ve said it many times, but I’ve never read it on anything Rori’s written. In fact, my only recollection is that in her “Let Your Squeaky Voice be Heard” post, she invited everyone’s voice in every form, even if you’re triggering people or are being triggered.

    I feel mistrustful and judgemental of one of the sirens frequently telling all the others what to do and not to do…that seems like a role for the actually leader of the blog, not one of her “disciples”.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 6:01am

  753. 753: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Mary — I feel happy for you that your guy called and that you went out and had a good time. I’m curious, though, why you felt the need to tell him your plans were with girlfriends? Did he ask?

    It seems to me that as long as he has his profile up, you might want to think about having yours up as well. At least until you all are actually exclusive and he seems sure about it, I fear that maybe he could be jerking you around a bit by saying he wanted to be exclusive and then backing off of that.

    On the one hand, it seems wise to give him space to “figure it out” if he’s having second thoughts, but it’s not about him, it’s about you and how this is making you feel. If his behavior is causing you to doubt yourself or doubt his intentions, CDing might be the very best thing for you. What do you think?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 6:09am

  754. 754: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy — I’m a little late to the party on the “coincidences” question, but I feel God does talk to me often with random songs that either come on the radio or seem to pop in my head for no reason. Kind of like what happened with your song — you were running along, going about your business, when a song came on that really resonated with you in a special way…that seems to be what happens to me.

    I remember one time, I was driving to meet Nasvhille guy halfway and the song “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” came on and it really resonated with me…I felt like it was a direct message from God, but I ignored it and went on seeing this guy, which was a mistake…I would have saved myself 2 years of heart break if I would have just backed off then before my feelings got so involved.

    Anyway — I missed the post somewhere where you mentioned that you and WH are now in regular communication. I remember his message to you explaining why he wasn’t interested in pursuing something further, but I don’t know how you responded. Sounds like it led to something interesting, though, so good for you:-).

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 6:17am

  755. 755: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Renee!

    I believe God often speaks to me through songs, too. They really encourage and motivate me at times when I need them. I have hundreds of songs memorized, and I just sing them softly to myself when I need their message.

    How’s it going with Cougar Man? I felt happy when my cougar man, Ryan, texted me yesterday! That hasn’t happened in a while!

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:13am

  756. 756: AmberNo Gravatar says:

    RE: Feeling messages & boy voice

    I recall reading that Rori would be the only boy voice here, but I also seem to recall that things here are shifting around and changing and she posted we’re all triggering and growing and letting our voices be heard.

    I feel confused.

    Boy Voice and Girl Voice

    To me Girl Voice doesn’t mean ONLY feeling messages.

    I would love it if there was a simple “guide’ for the blog somewhere so that we (and our new sister sirens) were all on the same ‘page’.

    Actually, I would love it if we all just did our thing here and gave each other the same love and acceptance.

    I feel myself judging me for sounding holier than thou. Ick.


    FOR ME

    This blog is actually many blogs in one. Like life, or a split screen shot in a movie. There are so many story lines happening at the same time. If I can’t get into a specific story line then I don’t get into it.

    Sometimes that means I can’t understand it and I just need to keep reading.
    Sometimes it means I have no experience with that circumstance and so nothing to offer by being involved, but I can learn from reading.
    Sometimes it means I don’t have the ability to voice whatever is coming up for me, so I can keep working on me silently and follow along.
    Sometimes I find a similarity and I jump right in with a question or an example from my life.
    Sometimes I need to let everything sit with me and I take a break altogether.

    And sometimes I just lose it completely and jump in in boy form and tell people what to do (oops!) and LUCKY ME (thanks Daria, for posting that LUCKY thing!) the sirens have been REALLY kind and loving about me doing things the wrong way.

    Thanks Sirens! Brenda & Lucy in particular on this one!

    I like to think of it like the buffet table at a restaurant.

    I am free to choose what I put on my plate.


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:36am

  757. 757: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    RE: Feeling messages & boy voice

    I recall reading that Rori would be the only boy voice here, but I also seem to recall that things here are shifting around and changing and she posted we’re all triggering and growing and letting our voices be heard.

    I feel confused.

    Boy Voice and Girl Voice

    To me Girl Voice doesn’t mean ONLY feeling messages.

    I would love it if there was a simple “guide’ for the blog somewhere so that we (and our new sister sirens) were all on the same ‘page’.

    Actually, I would love it if we all just did our thing here and gave each other the same love and acceptance.

    I feel myself judging me for sounding holier than thou. Ick.


    FOR ME

    This blog is actually many blogs in one. Like life, or a split screen shot in a movie. There are so many story lines happening at the same time. If I can’t get into a specific story line then I don’t get into it.

    Sometimes that means I can’t understand it and I just need to keep reading.
    Sometimes it means I have no experience with that circumstance and so nothing to offer by being involved, but I can learn from reading.
    Sometimes it means I don’t have the ability to voice whatever is coming up for me, so I can keep working on me silently and follow along.
    Sometimes I find a similarity and I jump right in with a question or an example from my life.
    Sometimes I need to let everything sit with me and I take a break altogether.

    And sometimes I just lose it completely and jump in in boy form and tell people what to do (oops!) and LUCKY ME (thanks Daria, for posting that LUCKY thing!) the sirens have been REALLY kind and loving about me doing things the wrong way.

    Thanks Sirens! Brenda & Lucy in particular on this one!

    I like to think of it like the buffet table at a restaurant.

    I am free to choose what I put on my plate.


    PS- this is gonna show up twice…

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:38am

  758. 758: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria

    Connected, connected connected. Thhhppppttttt…

    I’m seeing connected like energy lines that tie into the vast power of the universe and the HUGE vat of LUCKY that we can all access.

    Like when I reach my hands out and streams of power and energy flow out the tips of my fingers ’cause the universe is POURING into me and flooding me with wonder and beauty and light.

    Like we’re on the same party line talking to god!

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:47am

  759. 759: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    The time I like is the rush hour, cos I like the rush
    The pushing of the people – I like it all so much
    Such a mass of motion – do not know where it goes
    I move with the movement and … I have the touch

    Peter Gabriel


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:50am

  760. 760: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    I love how you express yourself!

    As for what we can and can’t say on here, Rori opened it pretty much wide open with her recent post about expressing your “squeeky” voice. She basically said let it all hang out. Assume a disguise. Be yourself.

    Rori is the best!

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:55am

  761. 761: lmNo Gravatar says:


    i’m Canadian!

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 7:57am

  762. 762: BrendaNo Gravatar says:



    Any others? :-)

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 8:37am

  763. 763: BrendaNo Gravatar says:


    So far we have 16 participants, and Erika says more are welcome to join! Please feel free to email me at mistywindfall@earthlink.net if you would like to be a part of it! Most likely it will be Sunday, September 19th. I am currently polling to find out what (Pacific Time Zone) time is best and what limiting beliefs women (or men!) would like to work on! Email me anonymously if you wish to! All are welcome!


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 8:40am

  764. 764: Erika AwakeningNo Gravatar says:

    All are welcome, and it will be fun :)

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 8:45am

  765. 765: maryNo Gravatar says:


    just tryin’ for a little anonymity here… I thought that was clear.

    i feel fearful.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 9:14am

  766. 766: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary,

    I’m sorry, I’m not sure to what you are referring?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 9:25am

  767. 767: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, Mary, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. I apologize.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 9:26am

  768. 768: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda- Please add me to the class roster!

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 9:32am

  769. 769: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Amber!

    You got it!

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 9:36am

  770. 770: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Brenda — I just emailed you to sign up for Erika’s class.

    Things went down the tubes with cougar man…I guess a combination of things happened…I started to develop some feelings for him and that freaked me out a little…he got a stomach bug and had to take a work trip and seemed to become quite self-absorbed and kind of demanding, and the combination just didn’t work.

    We were still tentatively in touch last week, but I finally told him yesterday that if he got serious about showing me what can of man he was, he could call me, but other than that, I didn’t want to hear from him anymore.

    Looking at it philosophically, I think God brought him into my life to get my old suv sold (he did a fantastic job of selling it for me than I could have gotten for it) and to reinforce some lessons I’ve been needing to learn about not panicking as soon as I start to develop feelings for someone. But the bottom line is (and I got this from Evan) is that you’d can’t be a good girlfriend to the wrong guy and I was just never going to mesh with this man and his lifestyle…

    So I’ve moved on to Blondie, who seems very nice, if a little eccentric, and seems to absolutely adore me. I’ve seen him 4 times in the past 1.5 weeks and I have no emotional investment in him at this point, but I’m trying to keep an open mind because if I could develop feelings for cougar man, who was such a bad fit for me, it’s entirely possible I could develop feelings for Blondie…I’m just keeping my options open right now, but no one else is really ringing my chimes at the moment.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 10:20am

  771. 771: genNo Gravatar says:

    I have so many mixed feelings about this post.

    On the one hand, learning about feeling messages from Rori has been a revelation for me. My whole life, I’ve learned some bad habits of repressing my emotions with men because I didn’t feel “safe” doing so (often around men I was attracted to the most!), even though she says – and I think she’s right – that staying in touch with your feelings and expressing them is the best way to ensure you’ll be safe. I haven’t been to good at saying “no” to men either – perhaps related to the repressing feelings – and so it’s nice to see a woman expressing a clear boundary and staying in touch with what she wants.

    I’ve cut exes out of my life – and in many cases that was the right thing to do.

    But I have also seen many women keep in touch with men who pull back from relationships and don’t know what they want. Often, like Erika says, the men take the time to realize that the whole issue was with their own level of maturity and commitment to begin with, that the woman is a wonderful woman. These relationships have been nonlinear, going from lovers to friends to lovers again, and some of them are even married now.

    Of course, every situation is unique and you can’t predict or control the outcome because you can’t control the man, nor should you want to. There are no guarantees if you play it cool that he will want to come back or want anything more than just friends.

    But also, isn’t this what circular dating is for? I like what Rori says about not letting the guy “pee” on you and mark you as his before he steps up to really give you a commitment. Terribly hard to do, for me, personally, anyway, but I think the idea is in the right place and I try to follow it with my heart. But maybe, if Bea had tried circular dating instead of the plain and simple excision of this guy, it might have solved a lot of problems. What if instead of her email, she had emailed something on the lines of:

    “Hey boy, I thank you for honesty. But I don’t know what to do. I feel sexually and romantically drawn to you. But I also don’t want to force or pressure you into a commitment or a relationship sooner than you yourself desire it. I don’t want to convince you into it, I want you to want to be with me. I also don’t want to lose you from my life, but I know that when I do see you, I will want to be with you sexually and romantically – more than just friends. I’m not sure that time apart will change my feelings or desires. What do you think?”

    This man is waffling and confused. He hasn’t come to Bea and said, “Hey, so I think you’re great but I’m just not sexually or romantically interested in you. I just want you as a friend, cool?” He’s basically saying, Wow you’re wonderful and great and I’m messed in the head right now. I like Bea’s honesty and sticking by her guns and saying, “I want you. I don’t want you as a friend, I want you as a lover.” But this guy hasn’t done anything bad – he hasn’t lied, treated her badly, or cheated, so I wonder about the excision of him, rather than circular dating.

    One unfortunate thing I think I’ve come to conclude from dating and Rori’s programs is that men set the pace of relationships. Men ask you out on dates; men balk from commitment or not; men ask to marry you; etc. I feel frustrated about that. I wish I were a man so many days and could be the pursuer!

    Bea has to do what she feels is right for her, I know. And she has to do what’s right for her in being able to move on and find the love and connection and commitment she – and every woman – deserves. But in my recent experience of dealing with a waffling, unsure man, I’ve found, like Erika, that sometimes just expressing your truth of “I don’t know, I feel so attracted/drawn to you sexually, friends would feel weird – what do you think I should do?” and then leaning back – way back – and attempting to circular date, not get attached, and move on, feels better than excision, particularly if the guy is actually a lovely person.

    Thoughts, ladies?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 10:24am

  772. 772: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling kinda weird this moring waking up thinking about my girl having been sleeping with my dude behind my back and lying to my face.

    and how she makes a big deal about me dating this one guy shes in love with that i was dating since highschool.

    wow. i feel werid and bad about that.

    and how sometimes she says stuff she knows will get me jealous a lil bit

    and i think i do it to her sometimes too

    i don’t like that

    i want to feel good

    thank you

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 10:29am

  773. 773: genNo Gravatar says:

    Also, what some people are saying “How do I know my feeling message was successful,” I’ve come to notice something about myself in trying to learn how to use feeling messages, and that’s this:

    I originally started using them because I was results oriented with them. As in, I thought to myself, while I was using them, “Oh this is certainly going to do the trick now. I’m going to tell him about my feelings and open up and then he’s going to be magically attracted to me and fall in love and everything is going to be awesome.”

    I’ve come to believe this is a little wrong-headed. Feeling messages aren’t for having a “result” with a man. If you’re trying to make stuff happen with a guy by using feeling messages, your mind is still in “boy” mode! Feeling messages aren’t for making anything happen with a man. They’re for *you* – so that you can be authentic and honest and girly. And by being all those good things – you won’t actually have to make anything happen at all, because a man will just naturally fall in love with you and want to move things forward because you’re not stiff, you’re not repressing yourself, you’re not hiding your anxiety, sadness, fear, love, happiness, or joy behind a tight-lipped smile of “no, it’s cool, I’m ok.” He’ll just fall in love because you’re you – there, out in the open, for him to SEE.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 10:33am

  774. 774: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Fln so weird. its like im carrying this tense energy above my beelly in my chest and jaw. and i keep thinking of it.

    i try to sink into the feelings and let my jaw go soft and i feel like breating heavy and almost crying and werid tingles

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 11:05am

  775. 775: jlinaNo Gravatar says:

    Renee, that is tooo cute! What can of man he is….corn, icky spinach in a can….I”ve been allowing myself total disregard for spell checking posts, so that was perfect. It feels very weird to press on forward without making everything perfect, but hey! that’s what I’m gonna do.

    Oftentimes the best you’re going to get with the guy is in the very beginning….which works out well. lol….

    But I hope you have more success with blondie if that’s what you want.

    I guess I have to admit that I believe there are no coincidences, sometimes there is randomness, but until and unless we take responsibility for it all, we cannot affect nor effect change at any level in our lives.

    I used to see little blue flashes of light out of the corner of my eye….felt like confirmation of a place/plan to me…..the ways change but the feeling remains. I love confirmation from the universe!
    Feel bad/sad/hurt that I’m not getting it here, and yet, I won’t change just to get that. If I never get confirmation, I will live without it to stay true to myself – which means that feeling messages aren’t working on me or for me, huh? and that’s sad…..but I looooooove being the cat and gratitude riffs…..

    @ Brenda – great job! with the class – do you feel like some of Erika’s work is changing you already? Because your voice sounds different to me – and hooray! Squeeky wheel….

    although I totally saw us all lined up in front of a ferris wheel with men in each car and as it came down we’d just wave that particular car on by….heee

    water wheeling – kind of afraid of water due to hurricanes …..but ferris wheels totally send me! such a cool man made safe net to the sky!!!!

    have a great day yall,


    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 11:18am

  776. 776: lmNo Gravatar says:


    i was walking back to work from lunch and i started to think about all of the things that happened in my last relationship (lots of yelling and lying and put-downs and controlling with anger and jealousy on my part) and i felt so mad and frustrated that i had to close the door in my office and just cry at my desk.

    when i started crying my body took over and my mind was totally blank. i felt compassion for all the people in my life who are so unhappy that they treat other people badly. and then i felt compassion for myself because i tried so hard and was so good to him. but i know i have to be good to me. i feel so confused sometimes because i am so angry and i loved him so much. i think i am still a little heartbroken and i felt helpless. i feel good now because these are my tears!

    all of these emotions must have been just sitting there waiting to be released. i feel kind of sick to my stomach too.

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 11:58am

  777. 777: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lakshmi – Welcome, and thank you for your lovely list and comments…so glad you’re here…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:01pm

  778. 778: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    gen, Welcome, and thank you for the great post…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:02pm

  779. 779: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    gen, beautiful comment – being simple, direct, honest, open…that just feels so GOOD. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:03pm

  780. 780: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline, I feel relieved and happy that you now understand my situation. Thanks for asking the questions! :)

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:05pm

  781. 781: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    After connecting with two new men yesterday, I am recognizing a major factor in whether or not I feel interested in a man/attracted. I realized that I am super-sensitive to being “pulled on” by a man, even the tiniest bit, and it just completely turns me off. That’s what happened with both these guys — and they are in many other ways “attractive” — good-looking, smart, “successful” etc.

    I don’t know exactly what this means or what to do about it. But if I look back at all the other men I “didn’t want” — it is the same pattern — feeling pulled on. And TN man and WH are the only men I didn’t feel that with — which is a catch 22 because they don’t necessarily want ME like the other men do.

    Any thoughts anyone?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:12pm

  782. 782: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy _ I’m not sure what “pulled on” means. Clingy? Demanding? Can you explain?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:20pm

  783. 783: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tinque. I’m not really sure either! Maybe clingy and demanding, but in a very subtle way — like, clingy and demanding feel a little too strong to describe it, but it’s kinda the beginning stages of clingy and demanding or something???

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:29pm

  784. 784: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    So what feels bad about this? What do you think is turning you off? Is it fear of something? Fear of vulnerability? Something else?

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:33pm

  785. 785: lmNo Gravatar says:

    hey lucy,

    i think i know what you mean. margaret paul refers to ‘pulling on’ someone as looking to them to make you happy, fill you up with love…you can definitely feel it. it’s like someone wants something from you…

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:33pm

  786. 786: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Im, that’s how it feels. The one guy was actually SAYING that he likes to give give give to a woman, pamper her, etc. but the whole time I was FEELING “pulled on.” Oh! Come to think of it, the other guy said pretty much the same thing in different words! It was like what they were saying was not congruent with the vibe I was getting from them.

    Good questions, Tinque. What feels bad? I don’t want to lose my freedom maybe? And it feels like they want to put me in a cage? I don’t know…..

    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:40pm

  787. 787: RuthNo Gravatar says:

    Gen # 778
    Thanks for that comment.

    I was starting to feel ignored and rejected, and frustrated.

    Anyway, what made me feel good and strong was the fact that I wrote what I thought was a “feeling message” and not the fact that I got an answer back. I don’t even remember what he answered, because it wasn’t important any more. So you’ve just made it clear to me.



    Thursday, 9 September 2010 @ 12:42pm

  788. 788: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    It’s like the feeling messages are working “too well” — like I’m a magnet and these big pieces of metal (the men) fly through the air and bang against me and stick to me. So I feel like I’ve got extra stuff attached to me that weighs me down.

    Thursday, 9 September