Have The Relationship You Want

14 Comments to “If He Keeps Going Back To His “Ex” – Do This…”

1. 1: Linda says:

   I’ve been dating a man for 3 months, began sleeping with him about 2 months ago. I saw him today and he was cold and distant and at the end of our date shared with me that we had recently had dinner with his ex girlfriend and realizes he still has feelings for her. He’s doing contract work for her on her home and stays in contact. She has a new boyfriend and he has told her about me. He tells me he is confused and wants to still see me for dinner and walks as friends (no sex) until he sorts out his feelings for her. I was having dinner with him at the time and realized I needed to end the date as I was processing the information and starting to feel bad. As I was leaving he wants to hug and kiss me. I am not interested in being physical with a man who announces he’s got feelings for someone else.
   I’m feeling hurt and I know he’ll be calling acting like there is nothing wrong…how do I handle this? He’s a good guy and I appreciate his honesty. Is he even worth it?

   Sunday, 30 August 2009 @ 10:33pm

2. 2: Rori Raye says:

   Linda – Welcome…and it makes no difference at all how worth anything he is….the question is…what is he to you? In other words, is he doing the job for you? And the answer is no — right now. And…yes…that can change. That’s what all my Tools are…to change things. Back to basics –you must NEVER become exclusive with a man again until you have a wedding date. I’m serious. If you had a full rotation of men, you’d be able to slip by this effortlessly — so go out there and start Circular Dating (if you don’t have Targeting Mr. Right — read around here in that category so you can get a sense of what Circular Dating is all about (it’s not just about dating) and get started – NOW. this kind of thing happens at the 3 month mark ALL THE TIME…it’s part of the experience of being a Diva and working with all kinds of men until you are able to choose one. You are handling this totally correctly…just smile and let him go, and start dating other men. You’ll see…this will work for you. Love, Rori

   Monday, 31 August 2009 @ 10:16am

3. 3: Nikki says:

   I began seeing a guy about 2 months ago, who’s last serious relationship ended explosively. They had been together 5 years and planned to marry, but since they broke up (over a year ago) hadn’t been in contact. Yesterday he told me her cousin, who he was very close with, had committed suicide. He said her family had told him she wanted him to reach out to her, which he did. They apparently had a very long phone conversation an she asked him to meet up with her sometime soon, that she wants to talk. He told me he feels like he should comfort her, so he’s going to go. He says it may provide him with closure. He tells he cares about me a lot and doesn’t want to risk losing what we have, but I can tell he’s nervous about seeing her and attempting to downplay it so I don’t worry. I haven’t heard from him since that conversation (which is very unusual). I’m usually never insecure, but this situation has me quite worried. I find myself waiting for my phone to go off, but it hasn’t. I am not the type of woman to play second fiddle, if that’s whats happening. What should I do?

   Wednesday, 3 March 2010 @ 2:32pm

4. 4: Rori Raye says:

   Nikki – don’t do anything, please – except – I’m not sure if this is a typo – was HE close to the cousin who died, or was she? If it was him, then send him a condolence card with a personal note saying how good it feels to know him, and you wish him well. If it was her – do nothing. 2 months is not long enough to call this a relationship – so continue Circular Dating, and see what happens. Love, Rori

   Wednesday, 3 March 2010 @ 4:10pm

5. 5: Ann says:

   I meet this man about a year ago, when I was on vacation visiting my family in Georgia. My intentions were to move down south when I finished college and sale my house in Massachusetts; this was in my plans before I meet him. He and his ex for about 8 years were broken up at the time that I meet him in June of 2009. I returned in August and stayed with him for 2 weeks while looking for a house to buy when I sell mine. The stay with him and it was “wonderful”, then I returned and we keep in touch on a weelky and sometimes daily basis. In October of 2009 I called his cell phone he answered then a women took the phone and it was his ex. She asked me who I was and I let her know, and I let her know about my stay. I sold my house at the begining of October of 2009 and moved to Georgia in December of 2009. I started talking to him again and was intimate. Was this a mistake? He and his ex broke up again at the begining of February of 2010. I still was seeing him. He had a death in the family in April of 2010 and I was his comfort until the night before the funeral he did not call. l seen him at the gas station after the funeral with his ex but I did not say anything . Should I just leave it alone? How am I suppose to believe him when he continues to say how much he cares and he loves me, and he thinks a lot of me. Was it just a string alone? My feelings are deeply envolved.

   Thursday, 22 April 2010 @ 9:19am

6. 6: Rori Raye says:

   Ann – Welcome, and I’m sorry for your pain. I know you love him, and I can’t say that he’s stringing you along, but I can say that he’s likely still hung up on his ex – or, at the very best – he likes you, and that’s all he’s prepared to do. We’ll all help you here to feel better…. Love, Rori

   Thursday, 22 April 2010 @ 3:44pm

7. 7: Fleur says:

   Hi
   I’ve been seeing my partner for the last year. He split with his ex of 8 years 4 months before we met. It has been rocky with her in the background toying with him. We moved in together october 09 and she managed to contact him and tell him she had feelings for him.( which he says he felt confused by) He told me before xmas he wanted to end things but did not move out and I didnt move. I made him sleep in spare room. (I started following Rori advice about Jan)
   He moved out in March but has since being trying to come back. I thought he had made his mind up because he wanted me. It seems there was a hope they might get back together, But im learning that his ex went back to her fella about March.
   He says he’s not in love with her and loves me and is in love with me but this has happened twice before and although i love him I feel a fool and betrayed. I dont feel i can trust him. What do you think??
   Fleur

   Wednesday, 5 May 2010 @ 9:32am

8. 8: Rori Raye says:

   Fleur, Welcome, and I don’t like this man (for a relationship with you) , just from what you’ve told me. There is no doubt for me that, even if he isn’t “in love” with this ex…he’s feeling a difference between the two of you, and gauging the intensity of what he felt for the ex to what he feels for you – and it doesn’t compute for him. AS long as he’s “confused” – there’s nothing for you there. Please, please start Circular Dating. You will bring him in closer if you ignore him. My guess is you care a lot more for him than the ex did – and that’s what he finds attractive. Instead of trying to turn yourself into a different woman for him – go out there and find a man to who YOU are undeniably the ONE. In the meantime, what’s going to happen for you is you’re going to get BORED with him. I don’t see a lot of pain here for you if you Circular Date, and use the Tools 24/7 (yes – even while you’re dreaming!!!) Love, Rori

   Thursday, 6 May 2010 @ 1:46pm

9. 9: Jay says:

   In a Long distance relationship for 6 month we knew each other growing up reconnected over the net he is coming home to see me. the thing is I do not think I’m the only one he is coming home to see. I confronted him about him flirting with her he said that she was just a friend but the way they flirt is not “friendly” so to say. The things that she post on his social networking pages say differently. I dont want to be and over jealous person but I also do not want him to be using me to make her jealous. What she I do.

   Tuesday, 11 May 2010 @ 4:44pm

10. 10: Rori Raye says:

    Jay, Welcome, The only way to “win” something like this is to not care if you do. If a man isn’t sure he wants you – it’s his loss. Truly. This is the attitude that makes you into a goddess. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 12 May 2010 @ 11:19pm

11. 11: grace says:

    Please help I’m wreck. I don’t even know how to start talking about this break up.

    So I was literally dating my ex for less than a month he was my best friend of 3 years. I knew him like the palm of my hand and he knows everything about me. During our friendship he was dating this girl linnet (his ex before me) he was madly in love he talked about her all the time. I was in so much pain I’ve always had feelings for him but knew he only saw me as a friend. They dated for 2 years she graduated school a year before him we stayed close friends even while he dated her I always felt so confused with him because he would always call or text me we would always go out to eat he would come to my house he would take me anywhere I wanted. Every day that went by I fell for him harder and harder. I started messing around with this other guy just for fun but will ( my ex , my best friend ) got extremely jealous when I realized this I was super happy I would torture him with stories and tell him that I might consider dating them. he was hurt and I didn’t like it so I stopped eventually I never dated a guy while he was with his girlfriend I never kissed hold hands had sex anything with him while they were together. then school started and things got bad him and his girlfriend barley saw each other he would drop plans with her to be with me I felt so special and it made so I happy but deep down I knew he loved her (I saw this because he is the type of guy that shows his emotions through his face) long story short he broke up with her too date me. I told him no I said he couldn’t drop her like that without explaining things to her he said that he stopped loving her a while ago that he was just scared to let go. I finally get what I want but I know he is not happy deep down 2 months went by and he still had not talked to her he had made it his mission to get me to say yes to be his girlfriend. & they day came May 24 I finally said yes. too be honest I was happy I had never been happier and in his face he was happy too I already knew him he was best friend my mom loved him my dad accepted him my aunt my grandma grandpa cousins EVERYONE LOVED HIM my friends were happy that I finally said yes to him. No one was shocked we were dating. I’ve never been so comfortable with a guy like I am with him he is perfect were perfect together. Not one fight happened between us everything was love dovey until his graduation party. That day we had our first argument it was about how I’m so self conscious. That was it… okay now to the really bad part he saw his ex the girl he dated for 2 years and something months dancing with a friend of his she literally looked him in the eye smiled and kept dancing. When I looked at will I knew he still loved her I knew he loved me but that what he had with her was something very strong. Two days later we had UNPROTECTED sex. that same day he broke up with me… he feels like an asshole he is mad that he went too far with me he wants to fix things with his ex ( well he did and there happy happy happpy ! ) I cursed cry so much I wouldn’t answer his calls or see him he was heartbroken my friends all hate him but I don’t I’m happy he is with his ex I’m happy he is happy but I’m still confused I completely cut him out of my life and he was mad at me for that when we were dating I made him promise that if we break up we won’t ruin a friendship. well now I regret saying it because he won’t let me escape he told his best friend he wants me back that he wants me in his life that he wants to talk to me every night spend time with my life before but I can’t because I really do love him. I told him I was not going to leave him alone. That I would still be his best friend but only when he needs me. I’m in so much pain Rori! My family asks about him all the time he texts me calls me all the time I enjoy every second of it but when I realize it’s becoming too much I ask him if he needs something if he says no I hang up. I miss him so much and at the same time I want him to be happy with his girlfriend I’m in a big mess I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve actually considered just erasing him from life but he says he won’t let me and I’m not one to break a promise. People say they give him a year till we date again but what if we don’t? He is getting his own place soon and he wants me to move in with him. I told him no he says it will be fine. that he is a faithful guy sad thing is I know he is and that is what hurts me I know he won’t touch me while having a girlfriend but I don’t know if I have enough self control what should I do. Should I tell him to his girl again come back to me? his befriend also confessed to me that he told him that he wishes so bad he could have us both in his life both as his girlfriend NO WAY IN HELLL I WOULD DO THAT but that also shows that he wants me as his girlfriend ! Please help me I’m going crazy

    Friday, 25 June 2010 @ 2:03am

12. 12: gail says:

    Hi Rori
    I have been dating a man i met last January. We had a great time with each other each time we met but we had a long distance relationship at the time. we have engaged in our favourite sports together and we are so alike….we love the same things. I told him I was moving to the next town to him and the very next day he text me saying he run into an old friend and hoped I wasn’t too upset about it and could we remain friends. I was too upset to reply and he sent me a further 2 messages expressing how he did not want to lose me and how he wanted so much to continue sharing our hobbies together. I could not reply for over a week which I did agreeing to seeing him as a friend. In the meantime he has since broken up with this old friend and has found another.but he still continues to go out with me. he started inviting me out during the week and text and calls me daily just about general life stuff. he took his g/f on holiday recently and I was really surprised to receive a call late one night from him saying they’d had a fight and she was too demanding wanting him all to her self as he had paid his daughters too much and not enough for her. Since then we have met up often where he just continues to tell me about how she is not the one now he has realised what she is really like. We go for meals out and he invites me over to his house where I have stayed over now a couple of times. He is very affectionate towards me and we are incredibly close emotionally but I really want more than to be Just his friend, ( it has become friends with benefits) I have been physical with him thinking this would work (silly Me) he still sees her at weekends yet he sees me midweek. I feel I am getting the crumbs,,he says he is ending it with her but yet because he has already planned another holiday previously with her he has to fulfil this, he says he is going to end the relationship after the holiday. I don’t understand as he said this twice before but yet continues to see her and he tells me everything. how do I get him to want me in a relationship and not friends mode. He has yet gone away this weekend with her and his family. we have planned a trip in august for the 2 of us away to visit my daughter. I just don’t know if I can continue with all this. He called me yesterday I told him I was feeling really good because I had had my hair done and I was really pleased with it…as I was going out with friends for the evening…I know he called to ask me round! I have always gone when he asked me so I thought I would do something for myself instead. he asked me to see him next Tuesday and I replied “possibly” instead of the usual yes. He asked why only possibly? to which I replied because I may have other plans.. He became like a little begging lamb desperately trying to secure the date. I said I would let him know. On another occasion recently I told him I was going on a date with a man Id just met, he panicked and told me he was so frightened of losing me to another..??? I am confused.. I replied ” but you have your g/f. he said she wasn’t a friend. however this woman get holidays / weekend away with him and he spends all his weekends with her and not me…..I get to see him Mon to Friday….please help… he says one thing but does another. we are absolutely great together and he knows it, I want to be more than this person I am becoming and I have worked out he wants me more when I am unavailable but I don’t want to use these tactics as it doesn’t feel right for me.

    Friday, 25 June 2010 @ 3:57am

13. 13: Rori Raye says:

    Grace, Welcome, and yes…this is crazy. There is simply no room in a woman’s life for a man who is not nuts over her – all the time. This kind of confusion is simply not worth your energy – even to save the friendship. What we need to do for you here is help you back way off and find yourself and find your life…you can do it! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 26 June 2010 @ 5:11pm

14. 14: Rori Raye says:

    Welcome, Gail, and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation (I’ve been there…as I’m sure have many, if not most of us…) – the only way a friendship turns to romance is if the MAN feels it that way (usually from the beginning). Of course he doesn’t want to lose you –you’re FABULOUS! And…you need to move on and get a fulfilling, exquisite life. We’ll help you here…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 26 June 2010 @ 5:13pm

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