If He’s Contacting Other Women Online….

Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 5:43pm

The Internet has created so many wonderful things for us, and it’s also created some nightmares for us women.

Our men can not only look at porn with the click of a mouse, they can also “social network” with women all over the world on all kinds of sites - even legit ones like myspace.

So what are we to do?

The truth is - this has ALWAYS been a problem.

Men who have “problems committing to one women” have always been able to flirt with other women when we’re not around, look at pictures of naked women and pornography in magazines, and contact women all over the world through personal ads and even phone lines.

The Internet may be relatively new, but the core problem and men’s creativity in doing what they feel compelled to do hasn’t changed.

Here’s a letter from “Confused,” whose boyfriend is “perfect” except for one thing - he collects women on myspace. Even if this isn’t happening to you - I’ll bet it’s happening to a friend of yours, so let me know what you think and feel about all this:

“Dear Rori,
I have been using your tips before I met my current boyfriend and I’ve continued applying all your tools ever since we met, and let me tell you it has worked amazingly well. So well, that he asked me to move in with him after 8 months of dating! I agreed to move in with him, because we had a long commute to see each other and I had just sold my home.

Rori, things are getting better each day (your tools really do work!). However, I feel confused about something. Now that I am living with him, l learned he likes to flirt with girls online, he was using myspace originally and when I told him it really bothered me that he had that account he took it off.

A few months later I learned he had opened a new myspace account without telling me. I confronted him again about this. I got really upset with him. His reaction was surprising: he cried and told me he did not want to lose me that I meant the world to him. He then said that he was using that account to contact friends, and when he contacted girls it was just to flirt, because it boosts his self esteem. He says “some guys go out there and cheat, I flirt online as an outlet”. Two days later, he told me he closed the account.

Rori, as I have said before I have been applying all your tools before and during my relationship, and even though things are moving along just fine, I can’t seem to ignore the fact that my boyfriend contacts other women and exchanges pictures with them. It bothers me tremendously!!!! I have confronted him about this and he knows it bothers me. I told him that as long as he draws the line with these women it’s ok with me.

He is a guy in the end, so I guess guys need that outlet; but I feel like it is somehow going to affect my relationship. I know he loves me, but wouldn’t his habit affect my relationship? I believe that it would. Because while he is with me, he could be fantasizing about these other women. So he is with me physically, but is thinking/fantasizing about these other women which will stop our relationship from growing. What are your thoughts on this? Thank you for everything! Confused…”

Before I could respond, ”Confused” wrote me again:

“Thank you for responding Rori.
I honestly think my boyfriend has a low self-esteem. I don’t know, maybe I am just justifying his actions. When I confronted him about how much this bothered me I made it clear that if he wants to meet/date other women to please let me know. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is not serious about me, but at the same time I don’t want to be jumping from relationship to relationship. I want to make this work, but I can’t ignore how bad his habit makes me feel.

Thank you again for responding. I will look for your response on your new blog, and appreciate your advice. Still Confused”

***There’s a lot to this, and I want to really talk about this whole subject a lot in this blog ( I hope you’ll join in the discussion and let me know your experiences and how you feel about all this, too).

Let’s start, in this post - with the thing that most stood out for me, Confused’s statement: “He is a guy in the end, so I guess guys need that outlet…”

This is not true. Guys who CHOOSE to be in committed relationships do not “need” anything like this. Guys who do NOT choose to be in committed relationships are entitled to follow their impulses however they want - they’re entitled to take advantage of every possible way to contact women - but a man in a committed relationship has made a CHOICE.

He either gets YOU, or he gets to wallow in the world of women.

This, to me, is a bottom line, basic Boundary RULE, and you should not accept it, period, unless it FEELS Okay to you. (Believe it or not, there are many women out there who say they wouldn’t mind, and I’ve met and talked to several who say they’re actually okay with sharing their men in this way. This is what they say, however, and how they really feel might be something else entirely.)

There is one small, subtle thing, here, for us to talk about.

If I say it’s NOT okay for a man to actually make contact with other women (except for work, of course, and that’s a whole other issue we’ll discuss) - and I mean here reaching out to other women, either in real life or online, whether he calls them “friends” or not - then what about PICTURES of women?

Is looking at pictures of women and pornography online the same thing as contacting them, gathering them as friends on myspace, etc.?

And - I’m going to say NO. It’s not the same thing. A picture is one thing - touching, and voice, email, text, and online contact are completely another.

You may differ with me on this (so let me know your opinion) - and I’ve worked with several clients to sort this out. (One woman has worked so brilliantly, and taken herself so far, that I’ll refer you to her blog when she’s got it up and running - you’ll want to talk to her if this is a problem for you.)

But let’s just say this - it all boils down to how YOU feel. If what your man is doing (and doing it in front of you is way better than doing it behind your back) bothers you, makes you feel bad in ANY way - we’re going to have to figure out how to help you stand by yourself - even if it means walking away from the man.

My Tools work - Confused is experiencing how well they work - and now, we need to talk about what KIND of man you’re attracting (since you’re now attracting so many men…) and what to do if you’ve attracted a man you like who’s not exactly “perfect…”

Next posts: Standing up for yourself, how to talk to him about this kind of thing to actually give you the best chance of making a change, Boundaries, how to know when to leave…

Love, Rori

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tinque says:

I believe I am the woman mentioned in this entry as having taken myself so far. It’s true. I have worked very hard and for what has seemed to me to be a very long time on the issue of pornography and my in every other way very dear, sweet man.

The for me dissonance with the activity of looking at pictures of naked women and his obvious utter devotion and lust for me was confusing at the very least and devastating at the very most. It has taken me three years almost to the date of discovery of porn on his computer to heal from this and come to not only accept it but embrace it. I’m not saying that the Gremlin voices are silent, but when they do speak, it’s rare and barely a whisper, easily ignored, quite a change from even a few short months ago when they would still cling to me at times, not want to relinquish their hold, often shouting loudly.

I knew from the beginning that what it was triggering in me had little to do with the porn itself but with other, much deeper core issues, likely stemming from childhood though I want to stress I did have to upend my belief systems around porn.

Rori was my savior. I found her within days of what felt to me my world falling apart around me. She kept me from sinking under completely, but it was my own deep desire, dedication, determination which got me to where I am now.

All that said, I have to agree with Rori that there is a clear difference in looking at photos for whatever reason and having contact with a live person whether in person or otherwise. I would call this cheating. So would my man.

Everyone has their own boundaries. Some would consider this acceptable behavior, but some also deem open relationships as okay. From what the above woman says in her letter, it seems to me that she is not at all comfortable with it. It could be a deal breaker for her, but only she can determine this for herself.

She must talk about this with him, in feelings statements, or she will harbor increasing resentment which will fester and eventually come out. She needs to determine if this is something her man really feels badly about about and wants help for his low self-esteem or if he’s wanting his cake and eat it too so to speak. She must follow her instincts. She must trust herself.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008 @ 12:44pm

KAREN says:

I too, agree…. it is one thing to look at pictures and quite another to be conversing with other women on line…. you can get emotionally attached and start sharing things that should be only between the 2 of you….. it is much easier to have a FANTASY relationship with someone on line than to deal with the here and now I too have been in this situation and had to be willing to walk away from the relationship if things in OUR relationship did not change…. i believe if we listen to our heart we will know if our man is in the relationship with us with his heart or not…..
I started using Rori’s tools and it Totally turned my relationship around with my husband! I do not try to analyze every thing he says and does…. I am enjoying OUR relationship and doing things that I enjoy not just focusing on him anymore…. but being soft on the outside and firm on the inside and letting him know how things make you feel is soooo important….

Monday, 8 September 2008 @ 10:14am

Rori Raye says:

Thank you so much for your comments. It’s so great to know that even this horrible-feeling situation can turn around - that things can get better. And it’s also amazing to realize how much power we actually hold in our relationships with men.

If we can learn to feel our power and love our power and USE our power for our own good - it’s as though a man feels compelled to follow us to a much higher level of love - as though he’s been waiting for us his whole life to help him clear out his own brain of all the muck and misuse he’s stuck in.

Tuesday, 9 September 2008 @ 5:47pm

lhb says:

I am a parent of a daughter whose bf was heavily involved with porn use, and tried to justify it as a college habit, dismissed her feelings about it (which she candidly expressed), but made promises to cease but eventually returned to using and lied. He blamed her for his not giving up its use because she did not reward him adequately with praise. His only reason was to ‘prove to her’ that HE could?! After many rounds, starting 4 months into the relationship when she calmly voiced her concern (and he became incensed if she merely mentioned that an actor was attractive!), and another 2 years of explaining her feelings (with hopes that he would hear her), she decided that the issue was a deal-breaker, based on how she felt. It took a lot of courage on her part to weigh the one blatant con against numerically more pros. In her mind, having a lot of smaller good qualities cannot offset a glaring disconnect. Every now and then she wonders if she shuld have ’sucked it up’ and accepted his porn use….but her self-questioning disappears after she thinks of his lying, blaming, and lack of empathy for her feelings.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 11:39pm

Caroline says:

I went through the same. Although, unlike Confused’s man, mine would keep the profiles and never delete them. I began watching the profiles for the dates of access and he eventually left those and created yet more and more of them. He always claimed to not be able to remember the passwords or did not know how to delete the accounts. I am no fool and I told him so. Point blank. I believe in complete and absolute bald honesty and told him that I preferred it that way. When he would ask what I want, I told him complete honesty, no matter how painful is better. He was always remorseful and cried that he had a problem and believed he was addicted and felt sorry for these women. He never closes the door in their conversations. It was left up to them to walk way from the encounter. Normally, I would have excused this because it was an addiction but because I have been learning your tools, I did not make excuses for him nor did I try to “fix” his problem. That is his battlefield of the mind with Satan, not mine. I prayed for him and told him I did. Each time, I felt or sensed he had fallen or felt depressed, I prayed for him. I noticed early on that when he said he felt depressed, it was often over his feelings of guilt for having succumbed to the temptation of flirtation. He said it was addictive just to try to go out and see if he could get a woman to want him which led me to believe it was a lot of insecurities for him as a man. I thought I’d help build his self-esteem by telling him how attracted to him I felt and told him of the things I admired, the good things about him. At first, he would always downgrade himself and really denigrate himself. After a few months, I realized that the sympathy he ensued from me by doing that was also an addiction for him and made me realize he could very well be a toxic man. [Each time, I realized another aspect of his sordid life, I was repulsed and wanted to run away from him myself but each time I tried the heart connection was so strong that it tore me up to be away from him. I've never felt so drawn to a man in my life and that's an addiction for me. It seems each time I would set myself to leaving him, it hurt me so much because of the connection that I never got very far.] When I realized that sympathy was an addiction for him, I cut back on my verbal responses and refused to acknowledge his whining with things like “I have faith in you that you can do better” instead of saying poor baby (a really bad habit of mine), I would just pat him on the back and hold him. I realized at that point that I didn’t want a baby … I want a MAN! Tough love really came home to me here. I have always been an overfunctioner and realized that my lack of boundaries was what created those situations where the people in my life took advantage of my goodwill and compassion and I was always forgiving them and the cycle would just repeat itself. Now, I am still forgiving but I have a limit to how much I will allow before I am no longer sympathetic and choose to distance or remove myself completely from them and what I believe is not mine to do. I have learned that for God to be allowed to do His work in them, I have to walk away.

Each time, I’ve turned to walk away from my man. He has always said “Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going? Why are you running away from us? Don’t you want to work it out?” and I just repeat that I love him with all of my heart and there is nothing that I can do to save him from himself. That is his job. All I can do is love him and set him free. That’s when I stopped keeping tabs on who he was talking to because that was just hurting me so much more. I said …

“Please, Please … do not feel sorry for me. My God can pick up the pieces left behind. I love you and I would rather set you free than for you to feel trapped. I want your happiness above all else, including my own.”

“You’ve led me to believe so much and then withdrawn each one. One minute you are mine, and the next, you are not. Hope is once again re-offered to keep me believing there’s a future with you. You are back and forth on what you want in regards to me and I can no longer keep up. I love you but I feel myself feeling the need to back away from you. I want your love but until you are ready… You are a free man. Free to choose what you really want.”

That very day, he decided that he was going to commit to me and stopped talking to those women. They still call his phone but he does not answer. The stragglers are down to 2 and I know sometimes he still battles within himself but that’s his battle and I would not be respecting him or allowing him to be a man, if I played mommy and tried to step in and clean the house so to speak. However, tempting that may be I am resisting and believing that God has a future in store for me with this man or another stronger man.

I really appreciate your tools and wish I could afford to buy them all. I’m working on snippets here and it’s still working. Thanks!

Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 9:51am

One of my prayers for my man was for him to feel “bad” each time he strayed and did something that was not good for him. LOL - I believe it works. Each time he said he felt bad, I giggled and said. I’m sorry, I do hope you learn how to change whatever it is that is making you feel so poorly, and kiss his cheek.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 9:59am

This is not one-size-fits-all.
Tinque is the absolute expert on this, as far as I’m concerned (go visit her blog at tinque.blogspot.com) - and yet Tinque is talking about a whole higher level of “consciousness” than most men have.

Your daughter’s man sounds unable to TALK - which is the one crucial aspect of ANY problem in a relationship. If you can’t talk - you’re ADDICTED.

An alcoholic or junkie can’t logically or emotionally discuss his “habit.” His habit is masking much deeper issues he can’t confront.

Same with porn. If he’s addicted, it’s like giving up drugs. There’s no way to reason with him.

However, if he’s NOT addicted - if it’s recreational, or a smaller habit like nail-biting, or even cigarettes, say - then anything’s possible.

If a couple can work through this TOGETHER - then it will all work.

And bottom line - it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is how you feel. Every woman is different.

Once you’ve opened up communication, once you’ve talked from your heart, once you’ve confronted your Own inner stuck places - then, unless he wants to do the work, too, things really are dealbreakers.

So sorry this was the way it worked for your daughter, and yet - if you’re in this situation - don’t give up hope!! Talk to Tinque…and keep writing here…

Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 12:09pm

Caroline - Welcome, and thank you for your story - wow - you really turned things around!

I hope everyone reads all your words, and how you stepped back, and how great your results are.

I can feel how steady you are on the inside.

One Tweak - see if you can really take your energy off of him and off of this, and I’d like to ask you to stop praying for him to feel “bad” when he “strays” back to his old patterns. (And it’s totally fantastic that he does it so much less, now - you’re amazing!) Instead, pray for your own happiness, and for him to feel “Good” about devoting himself to you alone. You deserve it. Love, Rori

Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 12:19pm

searchingwithin says:

I was in a live-in (I know, I know) relationship with a man who started doing this very thing. He joined a dating site, and then told me that he signed me up too, and wanted to see if we would come as a match. I knew he had not signed me up, and went ahead and did it myself. When I brought it up, he asked what was the problem with it, it boosted his ego to have women send him messages, and that he could tell by my attitude that it was a problem, and I didn’t understand. I told him that he wouldn’t mind if I signed up then. His response was, “that’s NOT funny”. To which I responded that I already had, back when he claimed to have signed me up.

Not only was he trying to boost his own ego, he was trying to make me jealous, both games I just don’t play. Needless to say, this was the beginning of the end. When I didn’t play his games the way he wanted me to, he got more desperate and began playing more. I turned and walked away, on to a better life.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 2:41pm

Sasha J says:

Hi rori here is a follow up ….this mail reads so differently and yet it’s about the same man.
I feel so sad and desperate and my stomach and my heart feels so achy and sad…

I guess this is about a man with very poor self-esteem and boundaries….must’ve been my wonderful feeling messages that kept him coming back.

I just walked out on my boyfriend of over a year today.
I feel so lost, and yet so intact.
My stomach and heart feel all this aching and sadness and yet I am here.
he has a chronic sore foot from a motorcycle accident a couple of years back.
He has just had his most recent surgery less than a month ago. he has been having problems with work, having to leave the trucks as his foot turned arthritic
and not being able to be on his feet for very long. he is homebound and unemployed at the moment.
being a very physical person (he does not read; used to work as a truck driver, and does rough sports like wakeboarding etc)
I listened to your reconnect-your-relationship and found it useful to ‘back off’ and not get lost with him and go ‘there’ with him
with his low self-esteem, and concentrated on my own happiness, and PhD in-progress at hand.
However everytime I turned my back to do stuff that makes me happy, I found that he has been flirting and trying to make contact with other women.
On dating sites. posing as someone slightly younger..everything else comes across as he is genuinely wanting to make friends with and date and possibly have a relationship with someone. at intermittent times throughout our relationship.
I’ve talked to him, genuinely left him a couple of times; 6 weeks ago I found out he had sex with a girl…she and her boyfriend and I were socialising one night having drinks.
And as I went to bed to wait for him, they had snuck out to the park!
It feels ridiculous telling all this and still be feeling so sad.
He had won me back and treated me like a princess and telling me that he wanted to be with me forever.
I have been very honest with my feelings…FEeling doubtful that we will work out because it feels so unhealthy.
Every single day he his actions have been lovely. Only when I turn my back.
I feel like I am a space and time filler, even though looking for other girls online was probably the space and time filler for him.
I feel so ashamed I even entered to anything with him. And yet I still feel an emotional attachment.
I feel so unimpressed and turned-off that he has had all this time on his hands….for so much of the year, but all he did online was porn and dating sites.
Not much effort in getting his act tigether.

Just when I started to feel like I was healing again,
last night I just felt the urge to go check his history pages.
I felt sad when I realised I did not feel surprised at seeing him having visited dating sites.
On an angry and probably desperate whim I set up a fake account to bait him and sent him a ‘flirt’ message.
receiving flirty messages back today in my inbox from him saying he was keen to meet up made me feel sick and ill.

Wow as I am reading this I do not see the confident girl that spends alot of time ‘working’ on her self-esteem at all in this mail.
I feel so upset because everything that has felt good has felt real…and genuine.
and yet I know I have done the right thing.
I must be fishing for some hand-holding.
A part of me is yearning to yank his good side into view and just focus on that.
But I will not act on it.

I feel like there is such a massive disconnect between educating myself and my actions.

Thank you for reading.

Hi Rori, this is me again 6 days from that message.
Alot has happened then.
I feel so proud of myself.
I will take the time to give you a ‘transcript’ of what i’ve been telling him…only when he came forward.
I fell off the horse yesterday and felt all anxious and panicky…i got back on and feel better now.

i have your toxic man program…have not gone through it yet…glanced through the pages…i remember i used it once months ago, and was convinced he was just Difficult.

I feel so amazed at how when we so badly want to believe something (eg, this man is worth it) we will look for reasons to support that.

I feel sure he’s toxic. I have been aware of his “low self-esteem” red flag all along. I felt so carried away by all the physical comfort and affection and attention, I somehow hoped that my feeling happy around him would inspire him to be better.

it did work. But at this point I think his capacity has been reached.

Thank you with all my heart

Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 2:27am

Linda says:

I am reading and can identify so well. I love a man who I suspect has an addiction. I know of three occasions in which he met them..woo’d them and bed them. I was one of them unfortunately. There may be more. I dont know. My love for him grew out of a loving 2 year relationship.(we lived together for most of that time) . I have struggled greatly within myself and resolved many issues of neediness (which he fostered and encouraged) to being strong and realligning my anchors. (he can not be one anylonger). I press into again to be the moral God fearing woman I truely am. This is what I come up with… my power speach so to speak.
“I want a MAN not a male who is searching blindly and driven addictively to find a way to compensate for his flaws, insecurities, poor self esteem and boundries. Instead I want a man who is concentraiting on being a dedicated, loving and commited partner.”!

We are taking a break from our relationship.. I have been reading up… my love for this man does fade but my stratagies for a continued relationship if there is one have greatly changed. Pulling away, but being open when he moves toward me is one. Watching my body language is another. I am letting go of him. He is a free man to do as he chooses, I am not his trap. Unless he shows me he is worthy of my respect and he respects himself and me the deal is broken. In the meantime I to not text or call. Another thing I am doing is getting to a place of drawing boundries for yourself is to sincerly look at what you want in a relationship. Make a list just like you are going shopping. The Three that are on the top of my list is honesty, integrity, and respect!

I love what one earlier comment says…I BELIEVE that GOD has a future for me and a man who is emotionally healthy and will devote himself to me, and then I can do the same for him. As Rori has said.. no man has the right to us exclusively unless there is a public commitment!. Yeah! Whether it is this man or not I do not know but I will not settle. I have come to far out of myself and self destructive behavior patterns to turn back now!

I am learning to live by myself, even if I dont like it! All is well.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 6:12pm

The most sickening thing about reading these and relating so well, is the fearful thought that anyone of us could be in a relationship with the very same man because of all the duplicity. I know that this is not true but the fact remains, there are a lot of men doing this. It’s enough to drive a woman away from men for good. If it doesn’t work out, I swear, I am dedicating my life to God and to BLEEP with men!

Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 2:45pm

When I met my man, he had a black book of over 100 women’s names and phone numbers with little comments about them in the margins. He has told me that he has been with up to 6 different women at one time and NONE of them knew about the others. It is hard to fathom none of them knew.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 2:49pm

I’m horrified and saddened by these stories. My heart goes out to you all who have suffered like this. There may be a great many toxic men out there as all of these sound to be, but I want you to know that there are many wonderful ones. As you change yourselves and how you feel about yourselves, as you treat yourselves more and more as the goddesses you all are, the more and more you will attract the ones who will treat you as such.
Keep up the tremendous work.
tinque

Sunday, 23 November 2008 @ 5:29pm

Joogena says:

Hi Rori,
You should consider putting together a program specifically targeted to spouses of s*x/porn addiction.

This problem is becoming more widespread and the devistating effects are so painful and confusing and earthshattering and etc… I could go on and on.

When men are afflicted with SA/PA they cannot see anything beyond theirselves so no matter how you change your own attitude you will not get through to them.

Imagine being in love with someone who only sees you as an object. Cause that is what you are to them.

There is no difference in looking at naked pictures or signing up for a dating site. To the PA/SA its all the same. It’s just a fix for them. Even women walking down the street will give them a fix.

Take some time and browse the forums at:
no-porn.com and recoverynation.com to an idea of what this addiction is doing to innocent loving women who only wanted a caring and loving relationship with the man they love.

Here is a link to a site that helps to explain what women are going through:
bsteffens.com/Documents/Trauma%20and%20Spouses%20of%20Sexual%20Addicts%20web%20slides.pdf

I look forward to hearing your comments.

PS. I bought the Have the Relationship You Want ebook and I think it’s a great book for many but it doesn’t cover this specific problem.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 9:19am

Hi, Joogena, and Welcome - You are so right - this is such a huge topic - and here’s the place to go…Tinque. Her site and work is not about actual addiction - that’s something else - but she talks about how to work the average man’s average online porn habit into your life in a different way that can be healing for everyone…I have an article by her on this site…

http://www.tinque.blogspot.com

Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 1:51pm

joogena says:

Hi Rori,
Thanks for responding so quickly.

This is a huge topic and is getting bigger by the minute. I am glad that things worked out ok for Tinque, but giving that advice to women is not such a great idea until they can identify if there is an actual problem.

Many women bought into the “re-enactment of porn” to please their husbands without knowing that they were not only contributing to the problem but also found themselves doing things they weren’t comfortable with, which in turn only lowered their self-esteem and self worth.

There are sites online which list the symptoms of SA/PA that may be a better choice to read before suggesting that a woman join in her husband’s porn activity.

This addiction can go on for many years without the woman even knowing what the problem is (why the need to identify the problem is so important) and then the fallout of finding out and realizing that they have wasted so much time (literally years) blaming themselves over something they had no control of to start with.

I am aware that not all men or women for that matter will become addicted by looking at a few pictures but why would anyone who is in the business of helping others build relationships even suggest that it is ok look at porn as well as joining in with the activity when the end result could be so devastating. Shouldn’t you at least make sure there is not a problem there to start with.

I probably would have responded a little differently if you hadn’t posted a link to a page that made pornography seem ok if you just join in with him. (This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Yeah honey let bring thousands of porn stars to the bedroom in our heads. How intimate is that?) Maybe I read the page all wrong…

My first post was a suggestion that you should put together a program to help spouses of SA/PA because your ebook “How to Have the Relationship You Want” did have a lot of great ideas. But I take that back now if you actually agree with Tinque’s page. (If you can’t beat them… join them.)

I’m not trying to be ugly, I just have a different opinion on this I guess. Sorry if I came off that way.

Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 8:56am

Karin says:

I was married for too long to a man who was deeply involved in online porn (daily use). He too refused to discuss his porn use with me or a counselor. (Oddly he made no real attempt to conceal his porn and our teenage children were all aware!)

As time passed the type of porn he was interested in escalated from fairly ordinary sexy pictures and stories to videos of violent acts. “Russian soldiers rape schoolgirl” was running on the computer one day when I went to read my email!!

I am only now starting to understand the problem. It is good to have this out of my home.

Saturday, 6 December 2008 @ 7:08pm

Karin, Welcome - and so glad you feel relieved and so much better. I look forward to your comments here. Love, Rori

Sunday, 7 December 2008 @ 11:29am

Rori, I have posted in several topics here but I have a question that I really need advice on. The man I was involved with and still love is one that I met on the internet initially. We had a wonderful relationship until he got online again and got involved with another woman while still living with me. He broke it off with her and seemed devoted to me again …. but then a year later the cylce repeated and he did it again. He never took responsibility for the break down of our relationship, always sighting that it was something I did not provide him somehow (which I found offensive becasue I feel like it was an excuse he used to justify his actions to himself) We are not together now. He says he loves me as a dear friend but not in love with me. I really would like to explore making another stab at making a connection with him again because we were so great together at one time. The attraction and relationship we share was beyond what I had ever imagined was possible. My question is…which program information would fit best for my situation. Will any of them be of benefit even if you are not even talking. The feelings of “being in love” are great and attraction is great too but what is a foundational program I could best use to try to accomplish what I would like to attempt?

Sunday, 14 December 2008 @ 4:25pm

Sheila says:

Sorry, Guess I should have posted my question here:(

I’m very frustrated,also sad, but I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I’m 49 years old and my partner is 50… He has not been in very many long term relationships, longest one has been 8 months, for my self I was married for many years then divorced because of a unhealthy relationship, my second relationship lasted almost 10 years then my boyfriend died in 2006. I met my new man in april of this year. we have great chemistry,laughing,spirituality, cry together, loving, enjoy tantra which he introduced me to. We love the intimacy it brings us.. I good go on, but i need to ask this question…He told me he used to masturbate allot, and give himself many orgasms,that’s cool i have also when I was in no relationship. But I think he is addicted to masturbating,He won’t kiss me anywhere butmy lips and of course my sacred area, I asked him if he still does and he was open and honest about it. He says not anymore, I truly want to believe him but research from what little i found was that a man gets a high from doing it himself, he has let himself go into me once after 6 months( I think it surprised him) I told him how much I felt like we were one, he also agreed how good it felt, the other times we go a very long time making love because of the tantra we can both stop the ejaculation process (i Know that’s great) but he can’t ejaculate in me or even when he is still hard or has to pull out because he looses his hardness it becomes limp, Of course i don’t feel like I’m sexually attracted to him but i know i am by the way he touches and loves me, he uses the excuse of being tired or that maybe he’s not use to me i say bull crap! not to him though. The research also says, a man can get moody or not interested in having sex with their partner they are used to giving them pleasure only,,,I do every thing that turns him on we are both very open, he has taught me to love my body and not to be ashamed because of being used as a sex object all my life. He wants to be the best lover to me and he is, he tells me that no woman has made him so sexually attracted. We can talk about anything, except for his hand stimulating himself…i asked him once for honesty and told him that it was okay because he was alone so many years, hey I said i understand i have my toy also. please help me to find out if this is truly a problem or not, They also say that a man will have trouble focusing if they masturbate too much he has all the symptoms but i have no answers to go with, i’m sorry this is so long but i love my relationship and my man of course…but need help.> I want this relationship to be full of trust, and to be a healthy one…I have come to a point in my life where I have found someone who is compatible and enjoys life the way most people should. I want to be there no matter what and work on our relationship with our selves and on each other. Hes brought so much fullness into my life he is a bonus and I know he feels that way also.
> Thanks sheila

Tuesday, 15 September 2009 @ 10:27am

I’m so sad,and confused, it happened again can’t take the unworthiness feeling from my heart

Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 10:53am

So sorry, Sheila, Welcome, and try this: Make FRIENDS with that “unworthy” feeling. It’s just a feeling — an OLD one. Embrace it. Give it love. Like a flower bulb, it may grow into something you like better! Love, Rori

Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:03pm

Beautiful, Rori
Thank you

Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 1:12pm

Carrie says:

I realize this is an old post but I was hoping to receive some advice. A friend recommended this site to me after talking to her earlier today. I just found out two days ago that my husband, whom I’ve been with for nine years and married to for a year in December, has been chatting online with women under a hidden account for 2 years, possibly longer. I want to emphasize that I found this account - which I think is important - he didn’t admit anything to me and actually admitted he’d probably still be continuing his behavior if I weren’t for my finding out. I read a few of the sample conversations that I found and they were varied; some were friendly in nature, some were romantic (there was one women that he continually said he loved and seemed to be carrying on a online romance with) and some were completely sexual (disturbingly so). He told me as an explanation that he liked the “game” of getting women to fall for him, that it was a rush, an addiction. The very worst part of all is that it didn’t end there. I asked him if he had met any of these women in person and he said no, until I found the evidence that he had. He now claims that he has met two different women within the last year and only kissed them. I was able to talk to one of the women who confirmed this, but I can’t get ahold of the other one. I feel like my life has been turned upside down. Now that we are married, my family and friends are pushing me not to get a divorce, saying that it is too huge of a step when he didn’t technically sleep with anyone, but to be honest, it feels as bad as if he had. He invited one of the women that he met to come meet him at our HOUSE when I was away (I teach night classes at a college), but he claimed she never came. I think when it moves over into reality it is cheating. When he is sneaking around, eating with someone and lying about it, it is cheating. When he puts his mouth on someone else’s it is definitely cheating. I feel like the trust is completely gone, especially since he lied to me, even after I’d found the account. He lied first saying that he didn’t have a messenger account (I found his secret email first), then he lied saying that he had never met the women, then he lied saying that he had never been physical with them, until I found the evidence disputing each claim. He claims now that he didn’t have sex with them, but I don’t know what to believe.
He has agreed to go to counseling for his “addiction,” and he seems all chipper and happy now, saying a weight has been lifted off of him, which makes me think that he got away with something I don’t know about or maybe I haven’t yet discovered his “girlfriend” or the most serious one. Also, he keeps insisting that I delete the messenger account (I changed the password on it so that he couldn’t delete it), but I want to keep it because I’m certain that there is something else out there that I haven’t found yet. The message history is on there, and I want to read it all. He says all that does it keep him from moving forward because it just gets me upset all over again. Honestly, I’d be upset anyway.
Do you have any advice? I’m so lost.

Sunday, 27 September 2009 @ 8:09pm

Carrie, welcome, and I’m so sorry. Look — I don’t like to give advice on stuff like this. If you come to me wanting to fix this…I give you Tools…we work on boundaries, on stepping back, and working through it. But…truthfully …if this were me…I’d throw him out of the house and let him crawl back if he wanted to. I don’t see anything less than losing you, the home, your comfort…as motivating for a man like this. And this is just not something I would live with. I’d rather be with a boring man who didn’t light my fire but who loved me totally and was there for me than something like this. And I wouldn’t want to put one little bit of energy into fixing it. It’s all HIS to fix. Circular Date and get your mojo back. Love, Rori

Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 1:02pm

Julia says:

Dear Rori, thank you for your site,, I’ve just recently started to search for answers around sexuality, pornography etc and without a doubt it can spin me into pieces! My boyfriend has a foot fetish,, I know that you have stated that pictures and such don’t change how a man feels about us,, but how can we feel attractive and valued by him after seeing these beautiful girls in all their glory and seeing how he responds?? Im so discouraged with it all. I find everything around me suffers when this stuff is present. I feel he loves and cares about me and I would like to be well enough adjusted for this fetish to be ok but i just dont know how ..It makes me want to dump and run

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 10:27am

Julia - I have the answer for you - and it’s to go directly to Tinque. She posts here… this issue with sex, fetish, porn is her specialty…find her at http://www.SexandHeart.com, email her, call her, talk to her. From me…this is all about your own self-esteem, and as you shift to a stronger, better place with YOURSELF, as Tinque will tell you how to do this USING the relationship instead of fighting it all - HE will shift also…Love, Rori

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 12:57pm

Have The Relationship You Want