Have The Relationship You Want

78 Comments to “If He’s Contacting Other Women Online….”

1. 1: tinque says:

   I believe I am the woman mentioned in this entry as having taken myself so far. It’s true. I have worked very hard and for what has seemed to me to be a very long time on the issue of pornography and my in every other way very dear, sweet man.

   The for me dissonance with the activity of looking at pictures of naked women and his obvious utter devotion and lust for me was confusing at the very least and devastating at the very most. It has taken me three years almost to the date of discovery of porn on his computer to heal from this and come to not only accept it but embrace it. I’m not saying that the Gremlin voices are silent, but when they do speak, it’s rare and barely a whisper, easily ignored, quite a change from even a few short months ago when they would still cling to me at times, not want to relinquish their hold, often shouting loudly.

   I knew from the beginning that what it was triggering in me had little to do with the porn itself but with other, much deeper core issues, likely stemming from childhood though I want to stress I did have to upend my belief systems around porn.

   Rori was my savior. I found her within days of what felt to me my world falling apart around me. She kept me from sinking under completely, but it was my own deep desire, dedication, determination which got me to where I am now.

   All that said, I have to agree with Rori that there is a clear difference in looking at photos for whatever reason and having contact with a live person whether in person or otherwise. I would call this cheating. So would my man.

   Everyone has their own boundaries. Some would consider this acceptable behavior, but some also deem open relationships as okay. From what the above woman says in her letter, it seems to me that she is not at all comfortable with it. It could be a deal breaker for her, but only she can determine this for herself.

   She must talk about this with him, in feelings statements, or she will harbor increasing resentment which will fester and eventually come out. She needs to determine if this is something her man really feels badly about about and wants help for his low self-esteem or if he’s wanting his cake and eat it too so to speak. She must follow her instincts. She must trust herself.

   Tuesday, 2 September 2008 @ 12:44pm

2. 2: KAREN says:

   I too, agree…. it is one thing to look at pictures and quite another to be conversing with other women on line…. you can get emotionally attached and start sharing things that should be only between the 2 of you….. it is much easier to have a FANTASY relationship with someone on line than to deal with the here and now I too have been in this situation and had to be willing to walk away from the relationship if things in OUR relationship did not change…. i believe if we listen to our heart we will know if our man is in the relationship with us with his heart or not…..
   I started using Rori’s tools and it Totally turned my relationship around with my husband! I do not try to analyze every thing he says and does…. I am enjoying OUR relationship and doing things that I enjoy not just focusing on him anymore…. but being soft on the outside and firm on the inside and letting him know how things make you feel is soooo important….

   Monday, 8 September 2008 @ 10:14am

3. 3: Rori Raye says:

   Thank you so much for your comments. It’s so great to know that even this horrible-feeling situation can turn around – that things can get better. And it’s also amazing to realize how much power we actually hold in our relationships with men.

   If we can learn to feel our power and love our power and USE our power for our own good – it’s as though a man feels compelled to follow us to a much higher level of love – as though he’s been waiting for us his whole life to help him clear out his own brain of all the muck and misuse he’s stuck in.

   Tuesday, 9 September 2008 @ 5:47pm

4. 4: lhb says:

   I am a parent of a daughter whose bf was heavily involved with porn use, and tried to justify it as a college habit, dismissed her feelings about it (which she candidly expressed), but made promises to cease but eventually returned to using and lied. He blamed her for his not giving up its use because she did not reward him adequately with praise. His only reason was to ‘prove to her’ that HE could?! After many rounds, starting 4 months into the relationship when she calmly voiced her concern (and he became incensed if she merely mentioned that an actor was attractive!), and another 2 years of explaining her feelings (with hopes that he would hear her), she decided that the issue was a deal-breaker, based on how she felt. It took a lot of courage on her part to weigh the one blatant con against numerically more pros. In her mind, having a lot of smaller good qualities cannot offset a glaring disconnect. Every now and then she wonders if she shuld have ‘sucked it up’ and accepted his porn use….but her self-questioning disappears after she thinks of his lying, blaming, and lack of empathy for her feelings.

   Tuesday, 21 October 2008 @ 11:39pm

5. 5: Caroline says:

   I went through the same. Although, unlike Confused’s man, mine would keep the profiles and never delete them. I began watching the profiles for the dates of access and he eventually left those and created yet more and more of them. He always claimed to not be able to remember the passwords or did not know how to delete the accounts. I am no fool and I told him so. Point blank. I believe in complete and absolute bald honesty and told him that I preferred it that way. When he would ask what I want, I told him complete honesty, no matter how painful is better. He was always remorseful and cried that he had a problem and believed he was addicted and felt sorry for these women. He never closes the door in their conversations. It was left up to them to walk way from the encounter. Normally, I would have excused this because it was an addiction but because I have been learning your tools, I did not make excuses for him nor did I try to “fix” his problem. That is his battlefield of the mind with Satan, not mine. I prayed for him and told him I did. Each time, I felt or sensed he had fallen or felt depressed, I prayed for him. I noticed early on that when he said he felt depressed, it was often over his feelings of guilt for having succumbed to the temptation of flirtation. He said it was addictive just to try to go out and see if he could get a woman to want him which led me to believe it was a lot of insecurities for him as a man. I thought I’d help build his self-esteem by telling him how attracted to him I felt and told him of the things I admired, the good things about him. At first, he would always downgrade himself and really denigrate himself. After a few months, I realized that the sympathy he ensued from me by doing that was also an addiction for him and made me realize he could very well be a toxic man. [Each time, I realized another aspect of his sordid life, I was repulsed and wanted to run away from him myself but each time I tried the heart connection was so strong that it tore me up to be away from him. I've never felt so drawn to a man in my life and that's an addiction for me. It seems each time I would set myself to leaving him, it hurt me so much because of the connection that I never got very far.] When I realized that sympathy was an addiction for him, I cut back on my verbal responses and refused to acknowledge his whining with things like “I have faith in you that you can do better” instead of saying poor baby (a really bad habit of mine), I would just pat him on the back and hold him. I realized at that point that I didn’t want a baby … I want a MAN! Tough love really came home to me here. I have always been an overfunctioner and realized that my lack of boundaries was what created those situations where the people in my life took advantage of my goodwill and compassion and I was always forgiving them and the cycle would just repeat itself. Now, I am still forgiving but I have a limit to how much I will allow before I am no longer sympathetic and choose to distance or remove myself completely from them and what I believe is not mine to do. I have learned that for God to be allowed to do His work in them, I have to walk away.

   Each time, I’ve turned to walk away from my man. He has always said “Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going? Why are you running away from us? Don’t you want to work it out?” and I just repeat that I love him with all of my heart and there is nothing that I can do to save him from himself. That is his job. All I can do is love him and set him free. That’s when I stopped keeping tabs on who he was talking to because that was just hurting me so much more. I said …

   “Please, Please … do not feel sorry for me. My God can pick up the pieces left behind. I love you and I would rather set you free than for you to feel trapped. I want your happiness above all else, including my own.”

   “You’ve led me to believe so much and then withdrawn each one. One minute you are mine, and the next, you are not. Hope is once again re-offered to keep me believing there’s a future with you. You are back and forth on what you want in regards to me and I can no longer keep up. I love you but I feel myself feeling the need to back away from you. I want your love but until you are ready… You are a free man. Free to choose what you really want.”

   That very day, he decided that he was going to commit to me and stopped talking to those women. They still call his phone but he does not answer. The stragglers are down to 2 and I know sometimes he still battles within himself but that’s his battle and I would not be respecting him or allowing him to be a man, if I played mommy and tried to step in and clean the house so to speak. However, tempting that may be I am resisting and believing that God has a future in store for me with this man or another stronger man.

   I really appreciate your tools and wish I could afford to buy them all. I’m working on snippets here and it’s still working. Thanks!

   Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 9:51am

6. 6: Caroline says:

   One of my prayers for my man was for him to feel “bad” each time he strayed and did something that was not good for him. LOL – I believe it works. Each time he said he felt bad, I giggled and said. I’m sorry, I do hope you learn how to change whatever it is that is making you feel so poorly, and kiss his cheek.

   Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 9:59am

7. 7: Rori Raye says:

   This is not one-size-fits-all.
   Tinque is the absolute expert on this, as far as I’m concerned (go visit her blog at tinque.blogspot.com) – and yet Tinque is talking about a whole higher level of “consciousness” than most men have.

   Your daughter’s man sounds unable to TALK – which is the one crucial aspect of ANY problem in a relationship. If you can’t talk – you’re ADDICTED.

   An alcoholic or junkie can’t logically or emotionally discuss his “habit.” His habit is masking much deeper issues he can’t confront.

   Same with porn. If he’s addicted, it’s like giving up drugs. There’s no way to reason with him.

   However, if he’s NOT addicted – if it’s recreational, or a smaller habit like nail-biting, or even cigarettes, say – then anything’s possible.

   If a couple can work through this TOGETHER – then it will all work.

   And bottom line – it doesn’t matter.

   All that matters is how you feel. Every woman is different.

   Once you’ve opened up communication, once you’ve talked from your heart, once you’ve confronted your Own inner stuck places – then, unless he wants to do the work, too, things really are dealbreakers.

   So sorry this was the way it worked for your daughter, and yet – if you’re in this situation – don’t give up hope!! Talk to Tinque…and keep writing here…

   Love, Rori

   Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 12:09pm

8. 8: Rori Raye says:

   Caroline – Welcome, and thank you for your story – wow – you really turned things around!

   I hope everyone reads all your words, and how you stepped back, and how great your results are.

   I can feel how steady you are on the inside.

   One Tweak – see if you can really take your energy off of him and off of this, and I’d like to ask you to stop praying for him to feel “bad” when he “strays” back to his old patterns. (And it’s totally fantastic that he does it so much less, now – you’re amazing!) Instead, pray for your own happiness, and for him to feel “Good” about devoting himself to you alone. You deserve it. Love, Rori

   Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 12:19pm

9. 9: searchingwithin says:

   I was in a live-in (I know, I know) relationship with a man who started doing this very thing. He joined a dating site, and then told me that he signed me up too, and wanted to see if we would come as a match. I knew he had not signed me up, and went ahead and did it myself. When I brought it up, he asked what was the problem with it, it boosted his ego to have women send him messages, and that he could tell by my attitude that it was a problem, and I didn’t understand. I told him that he wouldn’t mind if I signed up then. His response was, “that’s NOT funny”. To which I responded that I already had, back when he claimed to have signed me up.

   Not only was he trying to boost his own ego, he was trying to make me jealous, both games I just don’t play. Needless to say, this was the beginning of the end. When I didn’t play his games the way he wanted me to, he got more desperate and began playing more. I turned and walked away, on to a better life.

   Wednesday, 22 October 2008 @ 2:41pm

10. 10: Sasha J says:

    Hi rori here is a follow up ….this mail reads so differently and yet it’s about the same man.
    I feel so sad and desperate and my stomach and my heart feels so achy and sad…

    I guess this is about a man with very poor self-esteem and boundaries….must’ve been my wonderful feeling messages that kept him coming back.

    I just walked out on my boyfriend of over a year today.
    I feel so lost, and yet so intact.
    My stomach and heart feel all this aching and sadness and yet I am here.
    he has a chronic sore foot from a motorcycle accident a couple of years back.
    He has just had his most recent surgery less than a month ago. he has been having problems with work, having to leave the trucks as his foot turned arthritic
    and not being able to be on his feet for very long. he is homebound and unemployed at the moment.
    being a very physical person (he does not read; used to work as a truck driver, and does rough sports like wakeboarding etc)
    I listened to your reconnect-your-relationship and found it useful to ‘back off’ and not get lost with him and go ‘there’ with him
    with his low self-esteem, and concentrated on my own happiness, and PhD in-progress at hand.
    However everytime I turned my back to do stuff that makes me happy, I found that he has been flirting and trying to make contact with other women.
    On dating sites. posing as someone slightly younger..everything else comes across as he is genuinely wanting to make friends with and date and possibly have a relationship with someone. at intermittent times throughout our relationship.
    I’ve talked to him, genuinely left him a couple of times; 6 weeks ago I found out he had sex with a girl…she and her boyfriend and I were socialising one night having drinks.
    And as I went to bed to wait for him, they had snuck out to the park!
    It feels ridiculous telling all this and still be feeling so sad.
    He had won me back and treated me like a princess and telling me that he wanted to be with me forever.
    I have been very honest with my feelings…FEeling doubtful that we will work out because it feels so unhealthy.
    Every single day he his actions have been lovely. Only when I turn my back.
    I feel like I am a space and time filler, even though looking for other girls online was probably the space and time filler for him.
    I feel so ashamed I even entered to anything with him. And yet I still feel an emotional attachment.
    I feel so unimpressed and turned-off that he has had all this time on his hands….for so much of the year, but all he did online was porn and dating sites.
    Not much effort in getting his act tigether.

    Just when I started to feel like I was healing again,
    last night I just felt the urge to go check his history pages.
    I felt sad when I realised I did not feel surprised at seeing him having visited dating sites.
    On an angry and probably desperate whim I set up a fake account to bait him and sent him a ‘flirt’ message.
    receiving flirty messages back today in my inbox from him saying he was keen to meet up made me feel sick and ill.

    Wow as I am reading this I do not see the confident girl that spends alot of time ‘working’ on her self-esteem at all in this mail.
    I feel so upset because everything that has felt good has felt real…and genuine.
    and yet I know I have done the right thing.
    I must be fishing for some hand-holding.
    A part of me is yearning to yank his good side into view and just focus on that.
    But I will not act on it.

    I feel like there is such a massive disconnect between educating myself and my actions.

    Thank you for reading.

    Hi Rori, this is me again 6 days from that message.
    Alot has happened then.
    I feel so proud of myself.
    I will take the time to give you a ‘transcript’ of what i’ve been telling him…only when he came forward.
    I fell off the horse yesterday and felt all anxious and panicky…i got back on and feel better now.

    i have your toxic man program…have not gone through it yet…glanced through the pages…i remember i used it once months ago, and was convinced he was just Difficult.

    I feel so amazed at how when we so badly want to believe something (eg, this man is worth it) we will look for reasons to support that.

    I feel sure he’s toxic. I have been aware of his “low self-esteem” red flag all along. I felt so carried away by all the physical comfort and affection and attention, I somehow hoped that my feeling happy around him would inspire him to be better.

    it did work. But at this point I think his capacity has been reached.

    Thank you with all my heart

    Thursday, 13 November 2008 @ 2:27am

11. 11: Linda says:

    I am reading and can identify so well. I love a man who I suspect has an addiction. I know of three occasions in which he met them..woo’d them and bed them. I was one of them unfortunately. There may be more. I dont know. My love for him grew out of a loving 2 year relationship.(we lived together for most of that time) . I have struggled greatly within myself and resolved many issues of neediness (which he fostered and encouraged) to being strong and realligning my anchors. (he can not be one anylonger). I press into again to be the moral God fearing woman I truely am. This is what I come up with… my power speach so to speak.
    “I want a MAN not a male who is searching blindly and driven addictively to find a way to compensate for his flaws, insecurities, poor self esteem and boundries. Instead I want a man who is concentraiting on being a dedicated, loving and commited partner.”!

    We are taking a break from our relationship.. I have been reading up… my love for this man does fade but my stratagies for a continued relationship if there is one have greatly changed. Pulling away, but being open when he moves toward me is one. Watching my body language is another. I am letting go of him. He is a free man to do as he chooses, I am not his trap. Unless he shows me he is worthy of my respect and he respects himself and me the deal is broken. In the meantime I to not text or call. Another thing I am doing is getting to a place of drawing boundries for yourself is to sincerly look at what you want in a relationship. Make a list just like you are going shopping. The Three that are on the top of my list is honesty, integrity, and respect!

    I love what one earlier comment says…I BELIEVE that GOD has a future for me and a man who is emotionally healthy and will devote himself to me, and then I can do the same for him. As Rori has said.. no man has the right to us exclusively unless there is a public commitment!. Yeah! Whether it is this man or not I do not know but I will not settle. I have come to far out of myself and self destructive behavior patterns to turn back now!

    I am learning to live by myself, even if I dont like it! All is well.

    Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 6:12pm

12. 12: Caroline says:

    The most sickening thing about reading these and relating so well, is the fearful thought that anyone of us could be in a relationship with the very same man because of all the duplicity. I know that this is not true but the fact remains, there are a lot of men doing this. It’s enough to drive a woman away from men for good. If it doesn’t work out, I swear, I am dedicating my life to God and to BLEEP with men!

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 2:45pm

13. 13: Caroline says:

    When I met my man, he had a black book of over 100 women’s names and phone numbers with little comments about them in the margins. He has told me that he has been with up to 6 different women at one time and NONE of them knew about the others. It is hard to fathom none of them knew.

    Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 2:49pm

14. 14: tinque says:

    I’m horrified and saddened by these stories. My heart goes out to you all who have suffered like this. There may be a great many toxic men out there as all of these sound to be, but I want you to know that there are many wonderful ones. As you change yourselves and how you feel about yourselves, as you treat yourselves more and more as the goddesses you all are, the more and more you will attract the ones who will treat you as such.
    Keep up the tremendous work.
    tinque

    Sunday, 23 November 2008 @ 5:29pm

15. 15: Joogena says:

    Hi Rori,
    You should consider putting together a program specifically targeted to spouses of s*x/porn addiction.

    This problem is becoming more widespread and the devistating effects are so painful and confusing and earthshattering and etc… I could go on and on.

    When men are afflicted with SA/PA they cannot see anything beyond theirselves so no matter how you change your own attitude you will not get through to them.

    Imagine being in love with someone who only sees you as an object. Cause that is what you are to them.

    There is no difference in looking at naked pictures or signing up for a dating site. To the PA/SA its all the same. It’s just a fix for them. Even women walking down the street will give them a fix.

    Take some time and browse the forums at:
    no-porn.com and recoverynation.com to an idea of what this addiction is doing to innocent loving women who only wanted a caring and loving relationship with the man they love.

    Here is a link to a site that helps to explain what women are going through:
    bsteffens.com/Documents/Trauma%20and%20Spouses%20of%20Sexual%20Addicts%20web%20slides.pdf

    I look forward to hearing your comments.

    PS. I bought the Have the Relationship You Want ebook and I think it’s a great book for many but it doesn’t cover this specific problem.

    Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 9:19am

16. 16: Rori Raye says:

    Hi, Joogena, and Welcome – You are so right – this is such a huge topic – and here’s the place to go…Tinque. Her site and work is not about actual addiction – that’s something else – but she talks about how to work the average man’s average online porn habit into your life in a different way that can be healing for everyone…I have an article by her on this site…

    http://www.tinque.blogspot.com

    Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 3 December 2008 @ 1:51pm

17. 17: joogena says:

    Hi Rori,
    Thanks for responding so quickly.

    This is a huge topic and is getting bigger by the minute. I am glad that things worked out ok for Tinque, but giving that advice to women is not such a great idea until they can identify if there is an actual problem.

    Many women bought into the “re-enactment of porn” to please their husbands without knowing that they were not only contributing to the problem but also found themselves doing things they weren’t comfortable with, which in turn only lowered their self-esteem and self worth.

    There are sites online which list the symptoms of SA/PA that may be a better choice to read before suggesting that a woman join in her husband’s porn activity.

    This addiction can go on for many years without the woman even knowing what the problem is (why the need to identify the problem is so important) and then the fallout of finding out and realizing that they have wasted so much time (literally years) blaming themselves over something they had no control of to start with.

    I am aware that not all men or women for that matter will become addicted by looking at a few pictures but why would anyone who is in the business of helping others build relationships even suggest that it is ok look at porn as well as joining in with the activity when the end result could be so devastating. Shouldn’t you at least make sure there is not a problem there to start with.

    I probably would have responded a little differently if you hadn’t posted a link to a page that made pornography seem ok if you just join in with him. (This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Yeah honey let bring thousands of porn stars to the bedroom in our heads. How intimate is that?) Maybe I read the page all wrong…

    My first post was a suggestion that you should put together a program to help spouses of SA/PA because your ebook “How to Have the Relationship You Want” did have a lot of great ideas. But I take that back now if you actually agree with Tinque’s page. (If you can’t beat them… join them.)

    I’m not trying to be ugly, I just have a different opinion on this I guess. Sorry if I came off that way.

    Thursday, 4 December 2008 @ 8:56am

18. 18: Karin says:

    I was married for too long to a man who was deeply involved in online porn (daily use). He too refused to discuss his porn use with me or a counselor. (Oddly he made no real attempt to conceal his porn and our teenage children were all aware!)

    As time passed the type of porn he was interested in escalated from fairly ordinary sexy pictures and stories to videos of violent acts. “Russian soldiers rape schoolgirl” was running on the computer one day when I went to read my email!!

    I am only now starting to understand the problem. It is good to have this out of my home.

    Saturday, 6 December 2008 @ 7:08pm

19. 19: Rori Raye says:

    Karin, Welcome – and so glad you feel relieved and so much better. I look forward to your comments here. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 7 December 2008 @ 11:29am

20. 20: Linda says:

    Rori, I have posted in several topics here but I have a question that I really need advice on. The man I was involved with and still love is one that I met on the internet initially. We had a wonderful relationship until he got online again and got involved with another woman while still living with me. He broke it off with her and seemed devoted to me again …. but then a year later the cylce repeated and he did it again. He never took responsibility for the break down of our relationship, always sighting that it was something I did not provide him somehow (which I found offensive becasue I feel like it was an excuse he used to justify his actions to himself) We are not together now. He says he loves me as a dear friend but not in love with me. I really would like to explore making another stab at making a connection with him again because we were so great together at one time. The attraction and relationship we share was beyond what I had ever imagined was possible. My question is…which program information would fit best for my situation. Will any of them be of benefit even if you are not even talking. The feelings of “being in love” are great and attraction is great too but what is a foundational program I could best use to try to accomplish what I would like to attempt?

    Sunday, 14 December 2008 @ 4:25pm

21. 21: Sheila says:

    Sorry, Guess I should have posted my question here:(

    I’m very frustrated,also sad, but I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I’m 49 years old and my partner is 50… He has not been in very many long term relationships, longest one has been 8 months, for my self I was married for many years then divorced because of a unhealthy relationship, my second relationship lasted almost 10 years then my boyfriend died in 2006. I met my new man in april of this year. we have great chemistry,laughing,spirituality, cry together, loving, enjoy tantra which he introduced me to. We love the intimacy it brings us.. I good go on, but i need to ask this question…He told me he used to masturbate allot, and give himself many orgasms,that’s cool i have also when I was in no relationship. But I think he is addicted to masturbating,He won’t kiss me anywhere butmy lips and of course my sacred area, I asked him if he still does and he was open and honest about it. He says not anymore, I truly want to believe him but research from what little i found was that a man gets a high from doing it himself, he has let himself go into me once after 6 months( I think it surprised him) I told him how much I felt like we were one, he also agreed how good it felt, the other times we go a very long time making love because of the tantra we can both stop the ejaculation process (i Know that’s great) but he can’t ejaculate in me or even when he is still hard or has to pull out because he looses his hardness it becomes limp, Of course i don’t feel like I’m sexually attracted to him but i know i am by the way he touches and loves me, he uses the excuse of being tired or that maybe he’s not use to me i say bull crap! not to him though. The research also says, a man can get moody or not interested in having sex with their partner they are used to giving them pleasure only,,,I do every thing that turns him on we are both very open, he has taught me to love my body and not to be ashamed because of being used as a sex object all my life. He wants to be the best lover to me and he is, he tells me that no woman has made him so sexually attracted. We can talk about anything, except for his hand stimulating himself…i asked him once for honesty and told him that it was okay because he was alone so many years, hey I said i understand i have my toy also. please help me to find out if this is truly a problem or not, They also say that a man will have trouble focusing if they masturbate too much he has all the symptoms but i have no answers to go with, i’m sorry this is so long but i love my relationship and my man of course…but need help.> I want this relationship to be full of trust, and to be a healthy one…I have come to a point in my life where I have found someone who is compatible and enjoys life the way most people should. I want to be there no matter what and work on our relationship with our selves and on each other. Hes brought so much fullness into my life he is a bonus and I know he feels that way also.
    > Thanks sheila

    Tuesday, 15 September 2009 @ 10:27am

22. 22: Sheila says:

    I’m so sad,and confused, it happened again can’t take the unworthiness feeling from my heart

    Wednesday, 16 September 2009 @ 10:53am

23. 23: Rori Raye says:

    So sorry, Sheila, Welcome, and try this: Make FRIENDS with that “unworthy” feeling. It’s just a feeling — an OLD one. Embrace it. Give it love. Like a flower bulb, it may grow into something you like better! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 17 September 2009 @ 10:03pm

24. 24: Sheila says:

    Beautiful, Rori
    Thank you

    Friday, 18 September 2009 @ 1:12pm

25. 25: Carrie says:

    I realize this is an old post but I was hoping to receive some advice. A friend recommended this site to me after talking to her earlier today. I just found out two days ago that my husband, whom I’ve been with for nine years and married to for a year in December, has been chatting online with women under a hidden account for 2 years, possibly longer. I want to emphasize that I found this account – which I think is important – he didn’t admit anything to me and actually admitted he’d probably still be continuing his behavior if I weren’t for my finding out. I read a few of the sample conversations that I found and they were varied; some were friendly in nature, some were romantic (there was one women that he continually said he loved and seemed to be carrying on a online romance with) and some were completely sexual (disturbingly so). He told me as an explanation that he liked the “game” of getting women to fall for him, that it was a rush, an addiction. The very worst part of all is that it didn’t end there. I asked him if he had met any of these women in person and he said no, until I found the evidence that he had. He now claims that he has met two different women within the last year and only kissed them. I was able to talk to one of the women who confirmed this, but I can’t get ahold of the other one. I feel like my life has been turned upside down. Now that we are married, my family and friends are pushing me not to get a divorce, saying that it is too huge of a step when he didn’t technically sleep with anyone, but to be honest, it feels as bad as if he had. He invited one of the women that he met to come meet him at our HOUSE when I was away (I teach night classes at a college), but he claimed she never came. I think when it moves over into reality it is cheating. When he is sneaking around, eating with someone and lying about it, it is cheating. When he puts his mouth on someone else’s it is definitely cheating. I feel like the trust is completely gone, especially since he lied to me, even after I’d found the account. He lied first saying that he didn’t have a messenger account (I found his secret email first), then he lied saying that he had never met the women, then he lied saying that he had never been physical with them, until I found the evidence disputing each claim. He claims now that he didn’t have sex with them, but I don’t know what to believe.
    He has agreed to go to counseling for his “addiction,” and he seems all chipper and happy now, saying a weight has been lifted off of him, which makes me think that he got away with something I don’t know about or maybe I haven’t yet discovered his “girlfriend” or the most serious one. Also, he keeps insisting that I delete the messenger account (I changed the password on it so that he couldn’t delete it), but I want to keep it because I’m certain that there is something else out there that I haven’t found yet. The message history is on there, and I want to read it all. He says all that does it keep him from moving forward because it just gets me upset all over again. Honestly, I’d be upset anyway.
    Do you have any advice? I’m so lost.

    Sunday, 27 September 2009 @ 8:09pm

26. 26: Rori Raye says:

    Carrie, welcome, and I’m so sorry. Look — I don’t like to give advice on stuff like this. If you come to me wanting to fix this…I give you Tools…we work on boundaries, on stepping back, and working through it. But…truthfully …if this were me…I’d throw him out of the house and let him crawl back if he wanted to. I don’t see anything less than losing you, the home, your comfort…as motivating for a man like this. And this is just not something I would live with. I’d rather be with a boring man who didn’t light my fire but who loved me totally and was there for me than something like this. And I wouldn’t want to put one little bit of energy into fixing it. It’s all HIS to fix. Circular Date and get your mojo back. Love, Rori

    Monday, 28 September 2009 @ 1:02pm

27. 27: Julia says:

    Dear Rori, thank you for your site,, I’ve just recently started to search for answers around sexuality, pornography etc and without a doubt it can spin me into pieces! My boyfriend has a foot fetish,, I know that you have stated that pictures and such don’t change how a man feels about us,, but how can we feel attractive and valued by him after seeing these beautiful girls in all their glory and seeing how he responds?? Im so discouraged with it all. I find everything around me suffers when this stuff is present. I feel he loves and cares about me and I would like to be well enough adjusted for this fetish to be ok but i just dont know how ..It makes me want to dump and run

    Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 10:27am

28. 28: Rori Raye says:

    Julia – I have the answer for you – and it’s to go directly to Tinque. She posts here… this issue with sex, fetish, porn is her specialty…find her at http://www.SexandHeart.com, email her, call her, talk to her. From me…this is all about your own self-esteem, and as you shift to a stronger, better place with YOURSELF, as Tinque will tell you how to do this USING the relationship instead of fighting it all – HE will shift also…Love, Rori

    Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 12:57pm

29. 29: Sher says:

    Hi Rori:

    This is a tough topic, both internet flirting and porn viewing, as it affects different women differently.

    I have a friend with two daughters under five, who is currently separating and getting divorced over her husband’s addiction to porn. What started as more casual viewing, over time became so addicting that he lost a great job after warnings to not look at porn on company time/computers, and then was rejected for a promotion a year and a half later for the same reason. She decided to divorce him because she feels he was cheating on her, and because he lied regarding his continued use and other things. She felt their marriage had lost all intimacy and integrity, and it was unacceptable to live with those conditions, or to raise her daughters to believe it was acceptable. I personally believe looking at porn is a form of cheating, and would not date or marry a man that I knew was ‘using’ it. To imply that men are visual, therefore they can’t control their desires and will naturally use porn is insulting to them. If it’s acceptable to the woman, or a shared activity, then that’s between the two of them. But many men have integrity and the ability to resist pornography. More than whether porn is part of the relationship or not, it’s whether it’s honestly discussed and agreed to. I believe it’s the loss of trust and integrity in a relationship lead to a loss of intimacy, and that’s where the true harm lies.

    Internet flirting: I have another friend who discovered that her fiance was flirting on the internet with another woman, when she came early to his house and got online, and found the open yahoo personals account when she shifted the mouse. He felt it was no big deal and that her hurt feelings were out of proportion. She felt this was the same as cheating, and I agree. If a man is so insecure that he must flirt on line to feel good about himself, what is to say that over time he may not meet someone exception and want to further that flirtation? He has opened the door to another woman’s feelings, and the flirting may be more meaningful to her. Again, if both partners are comfortable with BOTH partners flirting on line, then that’s between them and an honest part of their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with it if they both agree to it.

    For my own well-being, if a man is in a committed relationship with me, I consider it cheating if he flirts with women on line, or fails to make them aware he’s in a committed relationship if they approach him (in person or on line.) I am not the relationship police, so I will not monitor this. I don’t choose dishonest or immature men to date, and if they need me to force them to be faithful in any way (porn, flirting in person or on line), they are not worth my time. By setting that expectation, and not making it negotiable, I’ve found that a better caliber of men have entered my life. Through circular dating I found a man that fits me beautifully, and we are engaged to be married in the spring. Considering that I am 50 years old and overweight, I can honestly say that the more I value myself, the more wonderful men have come into my life. Self-respect and leaning back have done more for my dating life than being fit, dressed well, hair/makeup, the works… It is astonishing to me how many good men there are out there who will appreciate a woman for her inner qualities (I am a siren!) and be less concerned about the external. Not that chemistry isn’t important, but it’s a pretty ethereal thing… chemistry. Once that initial attraction happens, I’ve learned that mature men fall in love with the heart, not the body or face. And I’ve learned that sexiness is about feeling good and being open and warm, not about how many positions you know or how great you look in thigh highs (contrary to popular women’s magazines that I spent a fortune to learn how to do it wrong. I’ve learned it late, but I’ve learned it!) Thanks, Rori!
    Sher

    Monday, 23 November 2009 @ 11:48am

30. 30: Rori Raye says:

    Sher – Brava, and thank you for sharing your wonderful story…Love, Rori

    Monday, 23 November 2009 @ 4:01pm

31. 31: lm says:

    i realize this post is over a year old, but i had to comment. i just left a very intense 15-month relationship over my boyfriend’s use of dating sites and a romantic email he sent to a woman i’d never heard of. i felt unsure for a long time about how to handle the situation and i made myself half-crazy pretending that it didn’t bother me as much as it did. he says that it was meaningless, but the more i came to accept my feelings the more i knew the only thing i could do was leave him. now he says i’m his best friend and that he loves me, but i know that this behaviour isn’t something i want in my life and that i’d put much too much energy into trying to make the relationship work after finding what i did. i feel so proud for finally following my own feelings and honouring myself! thanks rori!

    Sunday, 13 December 2009 @ 9:05pm

32. 32: Susan says:

    I have been circular dating for the last year and a half after ending a long marriage. Of the men that I’ve dated, one of them has been getting closer to me and I have allowed it since we’re so compatible and I feel that I am falling in love with him and he with me, but I am taking it very slow. We are both not exclusive with each other although I think he would want that and I do not.
    I can say all great things about him here. But to make a long story short, I was at his house recently and we were watching videos on youtube before going out. He went to take a shower as I continued to watch the videos. Then when I typed one letter in the URL to go to another video, the entire drop-down menu opened up with addresses that he’s visited that had porn sites. It wasn’t just a few and now that I’ve been able to look twice, I see that it appears to be a regular thing for him to look at porn. We have sex weekly and he doesn’t come across as a sex-starved male in any way. I don’t have a problem with the thought of a man masturbating, but with all the porn that I saw, I feel very bothered by it. And what is bothering me more is the type of porn that he prefers (old, fat, ugly women..) So, to me it appears that he has a fetish in seeing old people have sex. Ok, so that’s not like if he was into child porn but for some reason, I am just irked at this.
    Part of me thinks that probably all men do this in one form or another and if he is a good man to me in every other way, then I shouldn’t be worried. But another part of me wonders how would I know if a man is actually addicted to it and would do it even if we were married (that would bother me).

    Should I approach him on this subject? That is so personal and would be hard for me to do. He could say to me what I would want to hear and even find a way to be more careful about covering his tracks. But then I will always wonder if he is still viewing it and wonder what is he thinking about when he is having sex with me.
    Now I am wondering if I should just stop seeing him and move on before we get too involved. It is getting close to that point so I need to decide how much I want to invest in this man and if I want to move things forward or not.
    What would most women do in my situation? I’d hate to throw away a potentially good relationship over something that may be something most people go through anyway.

    Thursday, 28 January 2010 @ 9:23am

33. 33: marya says:

    Dear Caroline: Commend nr 5
    What you wite et me cy and cry.It was much mature love inside. would ask Gud to give so nice heart to accept what i can not change and stand for myself and what is good for my relationship because only then we can make the world beter place to live and help our men to be better human being.
    I have so much pain in my heart. I live with a man who is woman magnethe works in newspaper and write.he write soft stuff such knd that many women love.They feel he s lovely,inteligent,god and soft man and they love him.the problem is not just this,the problem is that he loves women.
    Some months after we were together i meniend that he has had some dep relationships with women in cisis,women who had missed their man,or had sik child,…and were in their needy situation in hier livesAll of these almost always when he had a girlfriend without her knowing anything about them.Her sister old me,he had law selfesteem as child and being the best for girlswas a way hecould fel himself better that oher boys,..so was in his grown life too,always a boy other boys were jelous of because women were as an around hi as honey(as he told me once i omend him),…
    I toled hi fro he begining that i would not accept im kissing other women and have near relationship with others,…he was very in lve with me then and said okey,…
    Now it is 7 years later.For two years ago we had a big discution about buying a sommerhouse together.I knew he had a ex girlfriend i bank and always ued the benefith of her for making loan ,,,so i asid i will do this if we both are in one bank and he do not use his benefith.He bacame angry.He bought the house with help fo he ex(all was hiden but i saw the letter she had writen for another bank and recommended him as the best client).After that he bacame angr of me,not to pay the money for this somer house,..furniture and so,….
    Some months later he was more mode,angry,had agains me,..i foud out hat he had contact online with a woman of twenty years before(they had a fair against her man for 20 years before).She wrote him,she is sad,she is ick,she need somebody o take care of her,her man does not give her sex,..wha kind of clothes he feel she has to hav to be sexy,,,and even send each other sms after being out and drink however she was in another country,,,i find these mails and told him i do not acept,he said he will move out,…but he did not,
    Now each night he sit with his pc,write e-mail,i hink maybe to her(I have seen some like this with two oher women both in needy situation,one has problem with addicted child,the other political but ha problem with her man,she write him about mjau,…jau,..fun,sex,sexy jokes,..).
    He hide al of these (their ontant)and say i am old thinking,he decide who he want o have contact with and everytime i say something,he say,…yu ontrol me,you come after me,you see my e-mail,…he talk to me as i am addicted to him,and here is he and his contact,….but he call me my dear,my girlfriend and become sad when i ay i do not want o be one of many but the only one,…
    I do not what to do,do i have to leave him,…. i woud so much to get control over myself and do as you caroline ,..but for him it is matter of his freedom,..

    Wednesday, 3 March 2010 @ 11:39am

34. 34: marya says:

    Dear Caroline: Commend nr 5
    What you write get me cry and cry.It was so much mature love inside. would ask Gud to give so nice heart to me to accept what i can not change and stand for myself and do what is good for my relationship because only then we can make the world better place to live and help our men to be better human being.
    I have so much pain in my heart. I live with a man who is woman magneth .He works in newspaper and write.He writes soft stuff such kind that many women love.They feel he is lovely,inteligent,good and soft man and they love him.The problem is not just this,the problem is that he loves women.
    Some months after we were together i mentiend that he has had some deep relationships with women in crisis,women who had missed their man,or had sick child,…and were in their needy situation in thier lives.All of these almost always when he had a girlfriend without her knowing anything about them.Her sister told me,he had law selfesteem as child and being the best for girls was a way he could feel himself better that other boys,..so was he in his grown life too,always a boy other boys were jealous of because women were always around him as ants around honey(as he told me once he talked open to me),…
    I toled him from the begining that i would not accept him kissing other women and have near relationship with others,…he was very in love with me then and said okey,…
    Now it is 7 years later.For two years ago we had a big discution about buying a sommerhouse together.I knew he had an ex girlfriend in bank and he always ued the benefit of her for making loan ,,,so i asid i will do this if we both culd be in the bank and he did not use his benefith and i would not make any business with help of his ex girlfriend.He bacame angry.He bought the house alone with help from the ex(all was hiden but i saw the letter she had writen for another bank and recommended him as the best client).After that he bacame angry of me,not to pay the money for this sommer house,..furniture and so,….
    Some months later he was more mode,angry,bad against me,..i found out that he had contact online with a woman of twenty years before(they had an afair against her man for 20 years before).She wrote him,she was sad,she was sick,she needed somebody to take care of her,her man does not give her sex,..what kind of clothes he thoght she had to have to be sexy,,,and even send each other sms after being out and drink however she was in another country,,,i find these mails and told him i do not accept,he said he will move out,…but he did not,
    Now each night he sit with his pc,write e-mail,i think maybe to her(I have seen some like this with two oher women both in needy situation,one has problem with addicted child,the other political but had problem with her man,she wrote him about mjau,…jau,..fun,sex,sexy jokes,..).
    He hide all of these (their contant)and say i am old thinking,he decide who he want to have contact with and everytime i say something,he say,…you control me,you come after me,you see my e-mail,…he talk to me as i am addicted to him,and here is he and his contact,….but he call me my dear,my girlfriend and become sad when i say i do not want to be one of many but the only one,…
    I do not know what to do,do i have to leave him,…. i would so much to get control over myself and do as you caroline ,..but for him it is matter of his freedom,..

    Wednesday, 3 March 2010 @ 12:06pm

35. 35: Caroline says:

    Marya, They all say it’s about their freedom. Sometimes, we just have to give them words to feel they are free and apart from us. I gave my man these words and when he’d do something for another woman. I told him that if it was okay for him, then it was okay for me to do the same with other men. If he was without commitment for me, then I just said, “Hey, we can mutually agree to use each other but I am putting you on notice that I am looking for the Man who is strong enough and committed enough to be totally, head-over-heels IN LOVE with me without a need for anyONE else. If I am not enough for you, you are NOT THAT Man! I really enjoy what we have and I would love for that Man to be YOU … BUT you’re NOT ready for ME to BE the ONE for YOU. I love you but when it is time and that Man walks into my life that’s it, this (You and Me) will be over. Period. No IFs, ANDs, or BUTs about it. I am worth keeping and I know it. Maybe we’re just not meant for each other and that is all. God has a perfect plan for each of us. Only the VERY Best will Do FOR Me because I AM GOD’s daughter!”

    Wednesday, 3 March 2010 @ 12:28pm

36. 36: marya s. says:

    Caroline
    It is like mentor talking to me ,thank you for your commend.It is really right.Sometimeswe try to change a man by telling him what he does is not good,or try to give him everything we have and sit again empty ,just ecause we are afraid to tell ourselves that we missed our respect for this man.That by seeing him do something like this i can not respect him and then not to feel genuine love i will give a man.I have been afraid telling myself this one.
    The other thing is feeling that you do see a man go so down to use metode like this in his life and we can stay high standard,accept him as he is and respect him as this.Maybe this is the only way if he ever would change himself.It is so hard to respect and accept a man who has so law stabdard for his own love.

    Thursday, 4 March 2010 @ 12:31pm

37. 37: Pam says:

    I discovered my man of 1.5 years was also on a dating website after he propsed to me on Christmas Day. He was checking out profiles, checking a secret acct for email and had emailed a women back in August saying he liked her profile and wanted to get to know her more. This all happened 6 weeks ago and he just wants me to “forget it” as it didn’t mean anything – he was just doing it for the “rush”. I feel as if it really damaged our relationship. I want to walk but don’t. Trying to figure out why. I now have the Toxic Men Cd’s……He’s now doing all the right things (sometimes) but it feels empty. So frustrating. And so much more to the story. I love these posts. I read them every day. Any suggestions on how to use feeling messages 6 weeks later? I’ve let it go but it’s still there and I’m very very angry about. Not sure I trust myself to be calm and use feeling messages. Thanks.

    Thursday, 4 March 2010 @ 1:01pm

38. 38: Rori Raye says:

    Pam, This is different from porn. This is actually contacting other women. This is a minefield. This is a serious red flag. I’m going to jump off into a post here…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 4 March 2010 @ 2:11pm

39. 39: marya s. says:

    I think it is so important that we rality orientate ourselves.As Caroline show however we also accept that this is not important they would not underestand something is wrong.If they have capacity to change they have to feel something is wrong.
    Asy man says:These are the problems you have made in your head.They mean nothing.And it is right.Playing with other womens feeling and emotions mean nothing to him,they are just news coming in his life to make it more colourfyll.But how long i say why you hide it,why you do not invite me to say hello to this woman,why you get chock when you see in facebook,me become friend with one of them)it was just to see his reaction,a kind of undrestanding him,why you get angry,..
    He says it is low status for you to know them….
    i think we women have not to take our status law and let our men have 1000 of these women in their facebook,or other places,send them e-mail on night when all energy get out of the relationship and we get superficial relationships because it is so modern to play emotional friend with so many other women,,…
    one of them asked my man;what do you like on me,red or black when i want to go out and meet other men,because my housband is so lazy and can not satisfy me,…
    it is not okey
    Thanks Rori for saying US;THIS IS NOT OKEY;:::

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 5:26am

40. 40: Pam says:

    Thanks Rori. I know in my heart that this is a toxic relationship but everytime I prepare to opt out, i find a reason to stay. I have your Toxic Men series and the Modern Siren. My guy rated Toxic (withdrawn, shows no affection etc) and since I’ve been using your tools I’ve noticed improvement but he only shows me attention briefly and quickly goes back to his old ways. I have been circular dating myself by taking yoga classes and really filling up my time with the things I love, but something keeps me in the relationship – lack of self esteem? And maybe the “treats” I get occasionally. I told him recently that I was feeling to vulnerable to continue to sleep together but I would still date him. That was a week ago and I’m pretty sure he thinks I won’t stick to my word so he’s not making a big deal about it. Do all men use the “It doesn’t mean anything I just like the rush” excuse when they are caught on something like a dating webise? It seems like the oldest excuse in America. Oh and here’s what else he said – “I felt good looking at other women’s profiles because it made me realize how lucky I am to have you”. Can you help me with an “opt out” speach? I’m tired of him walking around with a righteous attitude about what he did and me trying to forget it like it really doesn’t hurt when it really really does.

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 9:32am

41. 41: Caroline says:

    Pam, I just want to say that you do not have to have an opt out speech. There comes a time, when words cannot reach him. It is time for action.

    I know it will hurt you much more than it will hurt him but he will not respect you until you begin to value and respect yourself above this. He does not perceive a valid threat in your argument because you stay even when you are being disrespected. You have the power to walk away out of respect for yourself. Personal boundaries and self-respect are the two biggest lessons I learned while dating my husband.

    From what I read, when you said you were circular dating, I get the feeling that even though you are, you’re not taking your focus off of him and drawing on or actually flirting with these circular dates. There are nice simple ways to flirt without seeming like you are trying to make someone jealous. It just takes one really good friendship with another man whom you enjoy, it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or anything like that. You can flirt in an innocent fashion that draws the attention of every man in the room. Playfulness and joking without vulgarity or obscenity is the best approach. Ignore your man in the presence of others while quietly acknowledging his presence without drawing attention to him. Give your attention to everyone else in the room. Pretend he is a garment and you are dressed in his love. Do not remark on his observations of what he perceives as insecurity, just knod in acknowledgement, smile and begin a fun conversation with someone else nearby. If you are alone with him and there’s no one else to give your attention to, access your personal attributes in your mind while he is point out your flaws. Make a mental to do list such as, wow I need a manicure. LOL I found that if I spend too much time thinking about his critical observations of myself that I start believing it of myself. That’s the worst thing you can do. The most important thing you can do, is laugh. I know it sounds trivial but it seems to me most men just want to know that they can make you happy. If you are not laughing and having fun while you are with him, who are you laughing with? If you’re not happy or laughing or even singing around him, why do you think it is he, who is the one for you?

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 5:30pm

42. 42: Pam says:

    Caroline – thank you so much for your response. Tonight has been a complete disaster. Everything you said is correct. I always threaten to leave but I don’t. It happened tonight. I got the cold shoulder from him again and I finally said to myself I can’t take it any longer. So I calmly said to him that we were done, took my things from his house and as I was starting to leave, watched as he just sat by and was willing to just let me go. No conversation, no nothing. I then got pissed and could not help myself. In anger I said it was so typical of him to just stand by and say or do nothing and that was why I was done. Still no reaction. I started to cry because I was so hurt that he acted as if he didn’t care at all. I said “are you just going to sit there and let me leave” and he said “what do you want me to do Pam, what do you want me to do, hang on your ankles? I just got in my car and drove away. Now I just want to go over there and scream at him. I’m anxious and can’t focus and feel as if the world is ending. I hate it when I feel this way. I feel desperate. He now has the power and I need to get mine back. I’m working on it but right now it seems impossible. I think it’s the fear of being alone and I also have abandonment issues from childhood. I know what I should do but feel so stuck!

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 7:11pm

43. 43: Daria says:

    Pam – hugs! you Do have the power. And it sounds like you DID leave. Great!

    Now just to hug yourself and NOT go back there. Screaming “I FEEL SOOO ANGRY” in the car is a great Rori Raye tool I love

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 7:40pm

44. 44: Pam says:

    Daria – thanks! Since the last post he has called and said don’t I know how much he loves me and to stop being so dramatic. He wanted me to come back and talk and I said no – I was feeling tired and going to sleep. I have a feeling he is going to now come back as charming as possible and I have to find the strength to resist. Not easy but I have read just about every post on this blog and they give me the courage. Everyone is so amazing to share what they do. It feel like such girl power!

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 8:12pm

45. 45: Caroline says:

    That’s great, Pam. I’m proud of you and it may not feel like it but right now, you have the power. Now that he’s trying to come back, they all do when they feel like they can’t have something, they want it more than anything else. Give yourself time to breathe and regain your focus before you commit completely to walking away or going back. Be soft with him. Don’t harden yourself or you will lose him. It is good to vent your anger but don’t give him too much of that, it’s poisonous even to ourselves. Don’t melt right away but start drawing boundaries. I had to write mine down so that I would not spew too much anger and venom but with each thing I wrote, I expressed why I would not accept this or that behavior anymore based on how it made me feel. Everything that made me feel bad, cheap, used, disrespected, insecure, etc and I expressed what it was I thought he did that made me feel or react that way. Try not to blame. When I did this, it helped me to see the things that were me and my reactions, and the things that triggered those feelings. I did not share everything with him but one of the first things I did, was admit my own faults first followed up by something that he did that caused my reaction. Then I forgave myself and began taking care of and pampering myself. I treated myself as the single woman I was, as if I was secure in myself as a woman. I’ve become obsessed with painting my toe nails and primping. LOL While you are away from him, do these things for yourself. Once my man told me he needed some space to think and breathe that he felt we needed time apart so I said okay but while you think and breathe I am going out. I hope you feel better, I love you. And, I did. I spent 2 hours getting myself ready for my date (with God). We went to the movies but when he found out that I was going out, he wanted to see me. I was so hot when he came to the door. It was funny to see the expression on his face. He was adamant that he would not kiss me and asked me if I was going to kiss this guy. I told him that I never kiss on the first date. I bartered a kiss from him before he left because he wanted me to make him a deal not to call or text him for a whole day. I never told him that I went to the movies alone. When asked about my date, I said it was wonderful (because I imagine a date with God would be wonderful). I left it at that. He did express some animosity as if jealous but when I turned his own statements on him of insecurity, he quickly dropped it.

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 9:43pm

46. 46: Caroline says:

    One more thing. He does love you but right now he is just beginning to realize how much. He has lots of time to think while you are tired and sleeping. My man actually admitted later that he cried all night when he found that I was going out. He even accused me of being cold-hearted and not as deeply in love with him as he felt he was for me. I allowed that but said, you would not know how much you loved me if I had not. I also reminded him of his acts when led me, reminding him that actions speak louder than words and if you feel cheated because of it, I am sorry that you didn’t realize sooner what you were destroying with your playthings. I have since realized that my man likes me to be jealous but not obsessively so. He wants the freedom to go places with his friends without my calling him and asking him what he is doing and I gave it to him, as long as he can be committed to me without having to flirt with other women. Once he said, but I make them feel so good about themselves and I just want to help them. I said, if you want to help women to feel good about themselves then I have the perfect place (set up) for you so that you can get your ego stroked and they can be happier women, and I can get what I want too. He said, What or where is that? I said, you will love it and you can proud of your good charity. He laughed and said, alright where and what can I not do? I said, you can do whatever you want as long as you only visit this place and it’s Residents. Again, he said where? and I said, We have the perfect place right by our home, just down the road… it’s the nursing home. There are lots of women in there who need to feel sexy, loved, and desired. AND we laughed.

    Friday, 5 March 2010 @ 10:33pm

47. 47: Pam says:

    Caroline – wow – your words spoke to me! Thank you so much. I believe in divine intervention and strongly feel that your message to me was from God. I am going to put your advice into play today AFTER I take my wonderful Yoga class, my loving dog for a walk and get a pedicure! (at which time I will write my list) I want to do the things that make me feel wonderful before I meet my guy so that I am feeling pampered and loved by myself. Hopefully that will “soften” me and empower me so that I speak from the heart while practicing strong surrender. I am slowly getting better at this and I do see amazing results when I do. Thank you again for taking the time to respond and share. Very, very powerful for me!!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:48am

48. 48: Caroline says:

    Something else that helped me through my journey is realizing that what he does is not my fault. It is our sinful nature that creates in us the desires of the flesh. As long as I took the time to stop and separate from him (in my mind) the sin from the man, I was able to continue to love him and forgive him but I had to stop making excuses for him, even to myself. I had to verbally acknowledge that he is weak and the only one who can help him is himself.

    For myself, I took my focus off of him and put it entirely on me and where I wanted to be and what I could do for myself (for me that was a closer walk with God). In doing that, I found what I consider some really good guidance…

    “Six Characteristics for a Potential Spouse” by Dennis Rainey: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nl/content3.asp?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3584679&ct=4639461

    “How Do You Find A Mate?” by Alistair Begg: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3587803&content_id={A9C3AA90-E472-45CF-B63E-406E4416B8D0}&notoc=1&printmode=1 (click the audio link, on the right, OR read the full transcript, at the bottom of the page)

    These were incredibly invaluable to me. In fact, the more I followed this, the more confident and independent I became.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 2:12pm

49. 49: Rori Raye says:

    Caroline, Welcome, and I need to tell you – I don’t think I’m for you. Though I work with many Christian women, and adore and admire the positive messages from all religions – I do NOT agree with the first article – “Fear of God” is not only not in my vocabulary – it is something I would decidedly encourage you to rethink, and I don’t suppose you’d be interested in that. If God is not love, then I’m not interested. I do not wish to offend you – but you’ll find all kinds of references here to more new age ideas and goddess thinking, and I see things quite differently about most things than you might. I’m thrilled for you that you were able to detach from this man and move forward with your life, and that these articles inspired you and gave you confidence – and I’m for anything that works, and makes you think highly of yourself…so thank you for the links…there may be many here who would get good help and inspiration from them also. I just wanted to be straight-forward with you and let you know that I do not believe we have sinful natures, and that desires of the flesh are anything but God’s gift to us. In fact, if I slip and start to take things personally, I can feel quite triggered and offended by this kind of thinking and words, and I feel great that I don’t feel that here. I wish you well and hope you will find Tools here that you can agree with and that will work for you…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:04pm

50. 50: Sher says:

    Hi Rori:

    Thank you for creating tools and teaching materials and a forum for discussing practicing healthy living.

    I know we each come from different pespectives, different experiences and different value systems, but the key that I’ve gotten from your series (which I continue listen to, on a rotating basis!) is that I need to know what I feel, what I’m comfortable with, what is acceptable to me. I’ve learned that ultimatums have no power, because they are empty. I’ve learned power speeches do have power, because of the feelings and decisions that back them up. It’s not about what someone else will do, it’s about how I want to live, and my ability to express that (through practice.)
    This particular topic thread has danced all over the place, but ultimately, it’s all about the same thing. Learning new patterns to obtain the results we want in life. It’s really simple, but easy to get distracted by the emotional intensity of our current experience.
    I have used your tools when interacting with women who have been difficult to work with or live with, and guess what? They work! I have used them with men, and they definitely work. The concept of sitting still long enough to know where I am in the moment, how I feel, what I want, that’s been the magic for me. To slow down and be present. Your tools on simply touching an object and connecting with it ( when I first heard it, I thought that was really stupid, for the record!) ended up being a life-changing tool for me.
    I grew up with a lot of screaming, and as an adult react to someone yelling or raising their voice by getting even louder than them to push down the fear. It embarrassed me to lose control, but it felt inevitable, even when I tried calm reasoning, logical conversation, or ultimatums. It always seemed to escalate or I would simply check out and not participate at all, which wasn’t helpful either.
    One day, it finally happened. After months of listening to your CDs, I had an aha moment. Instead of engaging in stirring up the volume during an argument with a business partner, I felt my heart pound, the sweat start under my armpits, and noticed it all. I started thinking about grounding myself by touching an object and I moved my fingers to feel the little hollows where your fingers go on the steering wheel, how soft the plastic was, the nubby texture, when I noticed that I was breathing deeper, feeling calm, and taking care of myself first, before I dealt with the discussion. What’s entertaining about this moment to me is my biz partner did not notice that there was anything going on or different at first, but when I didn’t shut him down or start arguing, and just looked at him with a neutral look while I was noticing all this other stuff, he completely stopped and asked me what was going on! I told him I felt bad when we argued, and asked him what he thought. And I didn’t say anything else until he responded to that. To say it was powerful, and an aha moment really doesn’t do it justice. It was an epiphany!!!!!! That was the first truly constructive discussion we’ve had to improve our business relationship, and the last time he has raised his voice to me. We are still business partners, and our friendship is growing, too!
    If I could tell your readers and the women posting here one thing, it’s this: it takes time and repetitive practice to really feel comfortable with Rori’s tools. To relax into who you are, to gain confidence in your feminine energy, to practice the tools in a stressful situation; it’s a challenge to undo a lifetime of training and cultural pressure. However, the first time I expressed my truth and emotions, honestly and without manipulations, and had a shockingly positive outcome, I was hooked! I love the freedom that comes with these tools, and encourage each of you that true change is possible.
    Rori, I could go on about how many ways your tools have effectively improved my life (including that I am getting my happily ever after and will be married in about forty days after 51 years of being single!), but I would be writing a much, much longer missive.
    I just wanted to thank you, Rori, for sharing ideas that really do work with practice, and to encourage everyone else out there to keep listening and keep practicing. And to not give up on your dreams of how you want to live.
    And for the Christian women in the house, of which I am one: I feel extremely sad over what is squashed out of us and the joy that is stolen from us in the name of God. We are told that we are set free in God’s love, and then bound right back up with judgement and expectations that take away our freedom again. I have come to know that God is love and I have found a deep abiding delight in choosing mercy over being right. And loving each other where we are at. I can’t begin to have all the answers, but it’s so much fun to explore and learn what I can.
    Happy journey.
    Sher

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 3:58pm

51. 51: Nuta says:

    Hi Rori,

    My husband of 15 years and I had a very difficult last 1.5 year.

    During that time I found out that he has contacted his old “love” (his felling were never answered back then), to see if she would like to keep in touch. She never responded to him but I know that he still looks up on internet for information about her.

    What was also felt very painful is that besides porn addiction, it felt like an addiction (he never wanted to talk about it), he also contacted escort services. He says that he never actually dared to go there and every time called it of.

    Thank to your Tools (Reconnect , MS en your book) Rori I have learned what I could do for myself and for the relationship. And for about last 3 months things were going better and better.

    You could imagine how big of a shook I had when discovered that he was looking for escort services on internet. After confronting him about is he called me up a couple of hours later to talk. In big hoop to hear from him that he wants to do everything that takes and that he really wants me felt disappointed to hear that al yes he was wrong but it is up to me what I want. And he will leave if I will want that.
    During the conversation felt somehow disconnected from him and did not feel his full presence or “commitment”.

    We kind of made up and had a couple of oke days. A couple of days later even made love. Another couple of days later felt rejected by him when was making the advances (in the last year had the courage to approach him maybe only 3-4 times ). Felt really rejected, disappointed an frustrated. His “excuse ” was that we had a “conversation” that day and he was not ready yet and it was late.

    That was 2,5 weeks ago from now.

    What I found out now is that after calling me up 2,5 weeks ago and saying he was wrong bladiediebla ,later that day he actually called the services.

    Life felt like coming to a peaceful place in the last three months and now THIS.

    I feel so confused and don’t know what to do.
    He himself proficiently and financial is going thru a very difficult time and chances are he will lose his business with in a couple of months. I know that should not use it as an excuse for his behavior but feel very lost.

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 6:06pm

52. 52: Rori Raye says:

    Nuta -Welcome, and I’m so sorry for your pain. All I can tell you is that he is who he is, and his behavior is his own – and the question you have to ask is of yourself – “Do I want to be here?” If you are so afraid to leave him, then you’re stuck with him the way he is. He will not change. If you can leave him and start dating other men, or enjoy being alone – you actually might enjoy that for a bit – and then start dating and putting a new life together – that’s what I would do. Many women find themselves at this stage of life with a man who is changing – in not a way that’s good for them and the relationship. And there are all kinds of reasons for it – but bottom line – you get to decide what you want to do about YOU. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 9 March 2010 @ 7:14pm

53. 53: Nuta says:

    Rori thank you for your quick response. You are unbelievable. So much energy and time you give to people who write to you. I really appreciate your answer.

    You are right I am afraid to leave him. If I would leave because of his behavior that would feel like if I am a failure. Like if I am not magical enough to awake special felling in him towards me AGAIN. Not magical enough to awake the depth of feelings he used to have for me.

    And that felling of felling not enough hurts a lots. Feel so much pain.

    But on the other hand I could snap out of it. Like you say, he is probably not goanna change (not in the near future ) and I don’t feel like “waiting” for him anymore.

    Feel very scared about the future and how I would feel in the future. But what he does now is not good for me either . So decided to tell him today that I don’t want to go on like this.

    Feel really really scared for my hart.

    Wednesday, 10 March 2010 @ 3:25am

54. 54: Becky says:

    I am new to the site and unsure how to communicate through the computer. I hope I am doing this correctly.

    I can really relate to Caroline #5. The only difference is that my man has hardly touched me in 4 1/2 years. I have tried to speak to him about this but he just says he is having issues. He assures me that he loves me and we are great together in every other way. He says he desires no one else. I have tried and am still working through the porn thing. He says he is just looking and that it doesn’t mean anything (but it is everyday). He attempts to hide it from me. Also, I think he is chatting on line and receiving pictures from women on sex related chat areas. (I will soon get a friend to help me know for certain.)
    I have been completely faithful to him even tho my sexual needs are far from satisfied. I would just like to know why he isn’t having sex with me when he is obviously still interested in sex? He says it has nothing to do with me. I know that I am attractive to men because they let me know all the time. I am finally getting strong enough to walk away from him if that is what I need to finally do. He needs me a lot more than I need him. I just don’t want to walk away from a relationship for the wrong reasons. If I find out he is cheating, even on line, we are done. Thank you for any understading you can give me.

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 9:33am

55. 55: Rori Raye says:

    Becky – Porn is all Tinque’s area of expertise – http://www.SexandHeart.com, and she’ll show up for you here, too. Here’s the hard part. You don’t get to sit around without sex for 4 1/2 years. His porn thing is beside the point. I say – and I think Tinque would agree with me – is porn is not a big deal unless it’s affecting your sex life. First – you have to get into sex with yourself, then you have to speak to him differently – from your heart in a different way, then you have to approach sex with him in a different way…and then…if none of that works — you need to find another man. Period. That’s it. I know you’re ready to hear this – and I know you’ll get lots of help around this here…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 25 March 2010 @ 6:35pm

56. 56: Caroline says:

    It sounds like to me, you need to dress up and get ready to go somewhere to meet the man of your dreams. He’ll either come around or he won’t.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 10:07pm

57. 57: Alicia says:

    Becky – wow, I would go to http://www.marriagetoday.org
    and look up the video they have on communicating about porn. And http://www.innerbonding.com helps with everything soooo soo soo much, there is an article on why people lie.. and understanding emotions. If he is lying he is afraid of your response. Both websites are really valuable.

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 11:42pm

58. 58: Alicia says:

    Becky actuallu http://www.marriagetoday.org and click on tv – that have excellent videos about communication and why men look at that and how to communicate about it. Also, http://www.innerbonding.com will help you feel good about you. They have amazing articles, the one on “why people lie” is awesome!

    Friday, 26 March 2010 @ 11:44pm

59. 59: Lozzy says:

    Oh my God!

    I am so pleased to have found this blog & comments. I have been feeling as if I am going out of my mind! It is so good to know I am not alone.

    I have been getting yor emails Rori and they have helped me a lot. I am unable to buy your programmes as I am a single parent and have health issues that prevent me working currently so I am not up with a lot of what has been said, but what I do understand is amazing!

    My childs father was a very loving man who had a breakdown and ended up a narcissit and a sociopath. Not only did the relationship become emotinally abusive. He became a serial cheat, enabled with the internet!

    I spent 3 years alone, trying to recover from this when a close friend and I developed close feelings for one another. He has been cheated on and lost everything in the process of his marriage ending. He is kind, loving, caring and claims to be honest and in love with me. I am the only person other than his ex wife who he was with for 21 years he has told that to.

    So, imagine my horror when I found out he was using dating sites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I have told him I do not like this at all and he told me he would stop and immediately removed his profile.

    However, he has been seen on 2 other sites by a friend of mine who is currently looking for her Mr. Right.

    I do not know what to do?? He obviously does not want me to know so is either wanting his cake & to eat it, or does not want to lose me. I know he has self esteem issues from being cheated on but to me that makes it worse! He knows how it feels! But he has lied to me, that makes me feel bad!

    I am so confused, he has made comments to me about having a family and getting married. He also wants us to live together.

    So what is up with this?

    I know I have issues with trust and was starting to believe I was overreacting!

    Thanks for having this post here. I am going to re read it all again, and follow some of the suggestions I understand as I haven’t read your material.

    Thanks everyone for sharing, I feel so much better now xx

    Wednesday, 21 April 2010 @ 5:28am

60. 60: Rori Raye says:

    Dear Lozzy – the problem with this man is not that he is not exclusive with you – but that he’s lying to you — also – a man who’s been cheated on LIKES a cheating woman!! It’s a love/hate thing – and you’re in the middle of it. Your job right now is to Circular Date and recover yourself. We’ll all help you here. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 21 April 2010 @ 9:59am

61. 61: Jeannette says:

    Rori, I never heard of that…a man who has been cheated on like a cheating woman, it just does not make sense! When you’re horribly hurt, why in the world would you even want that again??!!

    Wednesday, 21 April 2010 @ 10:04am

62. 62: Lozzy says:

    Hi

    Thanks Rori, I will try and do this. It feels as if that makes me as bad as him though! From what I have read I guess that is kind of how I should feel as this is not what we are told to do from birth.

    Jeannette, I hear you, but it also makes sense, he took her back various times over the time they were together after she did this over and over again.

    I guess if she hadn’t decided to go live with the current one it would be the same.

    Infact maybe when she sees the grass ain’t greener it will happen again? Though after 2 years maybe not?

    So circular dating. Do i dump him entirely and do this or just let him know we are not “exclusive” as I will not tolerate this behaviour and do this?

    Thanks

    Thursday, 22 April 2010 @ 12:33am

63. 63: Dorothy says:

    Dear Rori,
    I recently found your blog site and am so grateful to be able to read all these ladies stories about how the internet has affected their lives. I am in the middle of exactly the same type of situation. My common-law husband and I started working apart from each other over this last year because that is how the work was coming to us. It was working just fine for the majority of the time and then I noticed a change in his emails about what was happening in his life and about our business finances, which is where all my money was going. Turned out he had taken just about everything I had earned and invested it in buying gold in Ghana (biggest scam area in Africa) after he lied to me and told me he had only taken a couple of thousand out. He had to cash in a bunch of his stocks to put the money back. I will admit I did get angry and criticize him (probably should have had your program then). I still had a horrible gut feeling that there was more. One Sunday after I had put him on the plane and before I left to head back to my job I went into my computer, which I had allowed him to use, and there was a brand new email address that he had forgotten to erase. I remembered an old password that he had given me at one time so I tried it and there all the emails were. He was basically corresponding with one women, although it had started out with several. She was calling him her new-found husband and he was playing her right along. He had even convinced her to send him very explicit photos to go along with the very explicit talks they were having. I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. I also discovered that he had signed up with another web-site and his username & password were both there. There were pages of women he was corresponding with there also. Interestingly he had chosen women in his own age group, which in a way bothered me because it definitely is looking as if he is trying to find a new wife before he decides he’s going to announce that this one is over. Of course his profile is a lie starting with his own age and then progressing into his “great family values”, etc. He has narrowed his search down to one woman right here in our city and it looks like they phone each other almost nightly. Sounds like she is really excited about finally meeting him next time he will be home in a week from now. I did actually catch him one night on-line and all he had to say was “I do this because it’s fun and that’s all the rest of the people on here are doing it for”, “I don’t feel the same about myself around you any more and I don’t feel the same about you”, “I’m going through some changes in my life and I need to figure them out”. I told him if he wanted to be free to go after these women he was, but he immediately said no. Then he refused to talk about anything further. I still keep getting this urge to level the playing field and tell all of them the truth by using the email addresses left on his 2 sites, but I haven’t. The only time he emails me or phones me is to tell me about new job offers he has gotten. Thank you Rori for your Siren advice because hard as it has been, I haven’t called him or emailed him for any other reason. I do miss him and all the times that we phoned each other or emailed each other…I just feel soooo sad right now which is what my counselor tells me I need to feel, but I’m so tired of this. I’m 57 and my husband is 62. That is what seems so stupid in this situation. I’d love to hear back from anyone because I know I need help.

    Monday, 7 June 2010 @ 9:22pm

64. 64: Rori Raye says:

    Dorothy, Welcome, and I’m so glad you have a counselor…I don’t clearly know what I would tell you to do here…if you still love him and want to see if there’s anything left – I won’t try to stop you – but at 57 -there are plenty of men who would love to be with you – while he “figures himself out.” I personally would not be able to ever again look at a man who’s lied to me and open up to him with respect. Love, Rori

    Monday, 7 June 2010 @ 9:34pm

65. 65: Dorothy says:

    PS: Further to my long letter I just wanted to clarify that I have been to see a lawyer and one of the things she suggested to me was not to let him know that I have been into his email sites. She told me to make a legal file of everything that is going on as well as copies of all our financial information, which I have and have taken to someone else’s place for safe-keeping in case I need it.

    Monday, 7 June 2010 @ 9:39pm

66. 66: Dorothy says:

    Dear Rori,
    Thanks again for your very honest comments. I’ve been reading this particular blog over and over, and have become stronger and stronger each day by doing so. I’m actually almost glad that he is gone for 3 weeks at a time because that has also helped to gain my strength and resolve back. I have read your Siren suggestions and the Toxic man hints (wish you had ebooks on these as well as the CDs/DVDs since I don’t have the money or time left before he returns to order them and have them incorporated into my mind and heart), and have started to put them into practice. I realized that I have always been able to talk to men; I’ve just been forgetting that fact when it came to my husband. I’ve started walking around telling myself that I am the Goddess and the Prize, and I am worthy of the best. The last statement feels a little strange to me inside, but that’s telling me that I haven’t learned to set boundaries. A little scary at my age. I will admit that right now my one addiction in life, smoking, has increased and that does bother me since I was really starting to make headway towards quitting…the old friend I turn to in times of stress. My request right now is any suggestions/tools I can try next week when he comes home. I’ve thought of just staying quiet and seeing what he has to say, or telling him that I feel very nervous when he’s around because it reminds me once again of dealing with an active alcoholic (walking on egg shells), which my first husband was. I remember him saying to me many years ago that he was glad I wasn’t in his life when he was a full-blown alcoholic (might even remind him of that conversation).
    Thanks
    Dorothy

    Thursday, 10 June 2010 @ 6:32am

67. 67: Carolyn says:

    I was matched with a man on a dating website 9 months ago and we fell madly in love. The first two months were wonderful. He was attentive and romantic and made it clear to my child and me that he wanted to be in our lives. Then he began to disappear. I figured out that he was drinking heavily. He was having severe money problems – and asking me to lend him money. After a rough few months he came back seemingly fully committed to the relationship. However, we didnt see each other with great frequency and he stopped coming over when my child was at home. I had been paying his phone bill and on a hunch checked his phone records and found that he was communicating via text and calls with seven or eight women. When I confronted him about it, he told me that they were just friends in need of help and that he would never have an affair. He loved me and wanted to have a future with me. One day he just disappeared – for two months. I was absolutely devastated and mourned the relationship and began to move on. He called me a few weeks ago and told me that he wants to try again. He explained to me that his drinking and depression had gotten out of hand and he had simply faded from my life, but that he was getting his act together and would never do that again. He is in daily contact with me via text, but sees me infrequently and we speak only once or twice a week. I believe that he is still drinking heavily but trying to cover it up. Although his communication with other women has decreased significantly, it is still taking place. I love this very troubled man and believe that he really does love me, but that communicating with these women feeds his ego, and he has incredibly low self-esteem. He is a good man, however I believe that he is consumed with alcoholism and depression. I just don’t know what to do. I know that I cannot save him. I really like him as a person and would love to have this relationship work. Please help.

    Thursday, 24 June 2010 @ 8:58pm

68. 68: Rori Raye says:

    Carolyn – so sorry – and what he is and what you’re in is the very definition of TOXIC. Please find a CODA meeting near you, or Alanon – this is the work you need to do. I would love it if I could make this man fade from your mind instantly – and I know this is the work YOU need to do….Love, Rori

    Saturday, 26 June 2010 @ 5:08pm

69. 69: Amy says:

    Rori,

    I met my fiance online on a dating website. Two months after we were engaged, I found that he sent an email with pictures attached to another woman. When I confonted him, he said that he loved me, didn’t want to lose me, wanted a life with me, etc.
    I installed spyware on his computer to ensure I wasn’t making a mistake marrying him. I felt horrible about this but I had to know….
    Occassionally I go ito his email and I found that he has added more woen as ‘contacts’ and instant messages them.
    This sounds crazy, right? Why am I still with this guy?
    We are now at a standstill. He told me the same song & dance he told me before, and that he will ‘end’ this behavior.
    I have started pulling back and want to know what else I should do. I am terribly hurt. I love him but I don’t want a marriage with a cheater.

    Wednesday, 7 July 2010 @ 3:35am

70. 70: Rori Raye says:

    Amy, Welcome – and if this is not something you can tolerate and be okay with (I wouldn’t) then end it now – he won’t change. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 8 July 2010 @ 9:30pm

71. 71: Sher says:

    To everyone reading and hanging on to a toxic man: BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Rori is absolutely right, do the work you need to do on you, and a toxic man can’t possibly be appealing to you. It was somehow easier to have him be the focus, his needs, issues, behavior, than to face the reality that I invited those problems into my life by accepting them and ignoring my own. (I fell for a married man who was ‘separated’, and the cesspool I fell into was really about my own beliefs about myself, what I deserved, what I would tolerate.)
    This is the most amazing discovery of all — if a toxic man completes me, then I must have toxicity of my own to face and heal. It was an extremely difficult thing to comprehend on a profound emotional level, but the easiest thing to do when I truly decided I was ready to have a healthy, loving, truth-embracing life: I didn’t like everything Rori recommended, and I didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t HIM, it was ME who was creating the pain and chaos in my life by INVITING it. Ouch ouch ouch.
    Rather than using all my strength and energy (and anyone reading this who struggles with a toxic guy has lots of it) to deal with his issues, I used Rori’s tools; listened to the CDs over and over again until they overcame old beliefs about me and love and what was acceptable to me; I prayed, I wrote, I read books on healing and HIGHLY recommend “Love What Is” by Byron Katy.
    This book is about facing truth, and our role in what we invite into our lives. By doing the very simple steps, it opens the door to acceptance: this is truly the way my man is: a liar, a cheat, a drunk, whatever, and I accept him the way he is – without expectation of change. With that acceptance comes understanding, I am attracted to his problems because he helps me avoid my own. Is that how I wish to continue to live? If yes, move on. If no, then the first action step is to remove him from my life.
    I want to express that this was not easy: it took me six months of listening to Rori DAILY and writing DAILY and reading Love What Is and doing the exercises, along with other books and resources on line, to get to where I was ready to let go. But the day I did, I really did. It wasn’t an act to manipulate him to change, it didn’t require him to do anything, there was no ultimatum or discussion about it, I was done.
    If I could give each of you who struggle with a toxic man an extra boost of encouragement, I would. It’s a personal journey, and sometimes staying “stuck” is truly preferred. It has been a three year journey to get to where I am now (just recently married to a wonderful, loving man who is generous, trustworthy, committed, my life partner.) Had I not done the work, followed the steps, believed in Rori on days when I could not believe in myself, I would likely still be stuck in an affair, taking crumbs from another woman’s plate, hating myself but addicted to the emotional energy and sexual intensity (the wins for me.)
    What started a few years ago as a glimmer of hope has now become a way of life. I am a Siren for my husband, I am living the life I dreamed of, and I continue to do the work on MYSELF to improve my attitude, behavior and quality of life. My husband is also interested in learning and growing, and we do that together.
    Wishing you all every good thing. You CAN have the desires of your heart, in a loving healthy way.
    Sher

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 2:58am

72. 72: Rori Raye says:

    Sher – BRAVA to you and thank you so much for your story! Love, Rori

    Friday, 9 July 2010 @ 9:14am

73. 73: Dorit says:

    Thanks, gals, for letting me know I’m normal! I thought I was over-reacting when my sister caught my fiance joining a singles’ site on FB. I confronted him; he has since then removed all single women from his FB and deleted all (that he can remember) his profiles on dating sites. We did get married. BUT! I still don’t feel that I can trust him. I have some kind of nagging suspicion in the back of my mind. I’m constantly checking the computer history to see what he’s been up to. What’s made it worse is that I did find something “inappropriate” that he had viewed online. He claims it was an accident. Yeah, right! And he had previously given me his email password but has since changed it and refuses to tell me the password. I want to trust my husband. I don’t want to push him away with my suspicions. How can I get myself to trust him again? And when should I listen to my gut feelings? And, btw, he, too, like the other men mentioned has low self-esteem. Is there a pattern here with men who have low self-esteem and internet addictions? P.S. glad i found your website.

    Wednesday, 14 July 2010 @ 11:36pm

74. 74: Rori Raye says:

    Dorit – Welcome…and go visit Tinque at SexandHeart.com….Trust is a weird thing…if you don’t trust, you can’t have a relationship. He has to FEEL trusted in order to want to be trustworthy. I don’t think you have any choice but to trust 100% and see what kind of husband he turns out to be. YOU can RAISE his self-esteem by respecting him and trusting him…There’s really no other way…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 15 July 2010 @ 5:59pm

75. 75: Odette says:

    Hi i did leave a comment yesterday or early this morning and it was very long and I’m unable to see it up here.

    Thursday, 19 August 2010 @ 10:47am

76. 76: Odette says:

    Hi it was my story about how I was with my first man at 14 for 30 yrs. ended up hating sex never liked porn . ended uup with a very good friend now i love porn with him and sex again. He has opened up a whole new world for me until one day just before xmas 2009 I saw on his computer all these women on chat line and stuff wanting to meet with them. Now I don’t trust him and always want to spy checking his phone wonders where he disappears to sometimes, wanting to try to get into his email. he says its not him that someone got into hiscomputer. then i found a text with someone he denies it. I am always wanting to look for something and it is controlling me and and I don’t know what to do. I hope you can find my last comment i left so then you can understand a bit better what I had gone through…thanks..

    Thursday, 19 August 2010 @ 10:52am

77. 77: Rori Raye says:

    Odette, Sorry I’m slow on moderating, and you automatically go there the first time…The thing here is to really, really ask yourself what you want, what you can accept, what you don’t want. If you want this man with all his faults (that you will NOT be able to change) – then let him do what he does, and you enjoy him and the relationship as is. If you’d rather have a simpler man who just wants to be with you – but he might not entrance you the way this one does – then please stop being exclusive with this man and Circular Date! Love, Rori

    Thursday, 19 August 2010 @ 2:26pm

78. 78: Odette says:

    I did say to him that if it is true that i still couldn’t leave him anyways, but then I should be able to do the same. He was not liking that. You see he is also a jealous type. I also wrote in a letter that mabe I’m not mrs right, mabe he is also not my mr. right. Mabe we should date. I know i also mentioned it and again he didn’t like it. I can tell that he checks my computer as well. You see he was burned bad. He last ex was kinda a abuser not only with drugs but as well liked to hit him alot. He isn’t like that. The one before that was with her for 6yrs she had an affair on him and the guy robbed his house. he also had an ingagment ring for her, and his 2nd girlfriend from yrs ago he also had a ring ready to propose then she said she didn’t want to be with him anymore. I am goingn to tell him that I don’t mind the porn but I draw the line with live chats and meeting up with them. If it keeps up then I should be alowed or I say good0-bye and date. But I’m too scared to say goodbye because He drives me crazy and I’ve never had unbelievably the best sex in a long time. But then how do i learn to trust he won’t do it.

    Thursday, 19 August 2010 @ 8:50pm

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