Comments on: If He’s Contacting Other Women Online…. http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/ Marriage & Relationship Advice From Rori Raye Fri, 03 Sep 2010 00:20:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3401 By: Odette http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-54355 Odette Fri, 20 Aug 2010 03:50:10 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-54355 I did say to him that if it is true that i still couldn't leave him anyways, but then I should be able to do the same. He was not liking that. You see he is also a jealous type. I also wrote in a letter that mabe I'm not mrs right, mabe he is also not my mr. right. Mabe we should date. I know i also mentioned it and again he didn't like it. I can tell that he checks my computer as well. You see he was burned bad. He last ex was kinda a abuser not only with drugs but as well liked to hit him alot. He isn't like that. The one before that was with her for 6yrs she had an affair on him and the guy robbed his house. he also had an ingagment ring for her, and his 2nd girlfriend from yrs ago he also had a ring ready to propose then she said she didn't want to be with him anymore. I am goingn to tell him that I don't mind the porn but I draw the line with live chats and meeting up with them. If it keeps up then I should be alowed or I say good0-bye and date. But I'm too scared to say goodbye because He drives me crazy and I've never had unbelievably the best sex in a long time. But then how do i learn to trust he won't do it. I did say to him that if it is true that i still couldn’t leave him anyways, but then I should be able to do the same. He was not liking that. You see he is also a jealous type. I also wrote in a letter that mabe I’m not mrs right, mabe he is also not my mr. right. Mabe we should date. I know i also mentioned it and again he didn’t like it. I can tell that he checks my computer as well. You see he was burned bad. He last ex was kinda a abuser not only with drugs but as well liked to hit him alot. He isn’t like that. The one before that was with her for 6yrs she had an affair on him and the guy robbed his house. he also had an ingagment ring for her, and his 2nd girlfriend from yrs ago he also had a ring ready to propose then she said she didn’t want to be with him anymore. I am goingn to tell him that I don’t mind the porn but I draw the line with live chats and meeting up with them. If it keeps up then I should be alowed or I say good0-bye and date. But I’m too scared to say goodbye because He drives me crazy and I’ve never had unbelievably the best sex in a long time. But then how do i learn to trust he won’t do it.

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-54267 Rori Raye Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:26:27 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-54267 Odette, Sorry I'm slow on moderating, and you automatically go there the first time...The thing here is to really, really ask yourself what you want, what you can accept, what you don't want. If you want this man with all his faults (that you will NOT be able to change) - then let him do what he does, and you enjoy him and the relationship as is. If you'd rather have a simpler man who just wants to be with you - but he might not entrance you the way this one does - then please stop being exclusive with this man and Circular Date! Love, Rori Odette, Sorry I’m slow on moderating, and you automatically go there the first time…The thing here is to really, really ask yourself what you want, what you can accept, what you don’t want. If you want this man with all his faults (that you will NOT be able to change) – then let him do what he does, and you enjoy him and the relationship as is. If you’d rather have a simpler man who just wants to be with you – but he might not entrance you the way this one does – then please stop being exclusive with this man and Circular Date! Love, Rori

]]> By: Odette http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-54150 Odette Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:52:39 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-54150 Hi it was my story about how I was with my first man at 14 for 30 yrs. ended up hating sex never liked porn . ended uup with a very good friend now i love porn with him and sex again. He has opened up a whole new world for me until one day just before xmas 2009 I saw on his computer all these women on chat line and stuff wanting to meet with them. Now I don't trust him and always want to spy checking his phone wonders where he disappears to sometimes, wanting to try to get into his email. he says its not him that someone got into hiscomputer. then i found a text with someone he denies it. I am always wanting to look for something and it is controlling me and and I don't know what to do. I hope you can find my last comment i left so then you can understand a bit better what I had gone through...thanks.. Hi it was my story about how I was with my first man at 14 for 30 yrs. ended up hating sex never liked porn . ended uup with a very good friend now i love porn with him and sex again. He has opened up a whole new world for me until one day just before xmas 2009 I saw on his computer all these women on chat line and stuff wanting to meet with them. Now I don’t trust him and always want to spy checking his phone wonders where he disappears to sometimes, wanting to try to get into his email. he says its not him that someone got into hiscomputer. then i found a text with someone he denies it. I am always wanting to look for something and it is controlling me and and I don’t know what to do. I hope you can find my last comment i left so then you can understand a bit better what I had gone through…thanks..

]]> By: Odette http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-54148 Odette Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:47:21 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-54148 Hi i did leave a comment yesterday or early this morning and it was very long and I'm unable to see it up here. Hi i did leave a comment yesterday or early this morning and it was very long and I’m unable to see it up here.

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-49490 Rori Raye Fri, 16 Jul 2010 00:59:08 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-49490 Dorit - Welcome...and go visit Tinque at SexandHeart.com....Trust is a weird thing...if you don't trust, you can't have a relationship. He has to FEEL trusted in order to want to be trustworthy. I don't think you have any choice but to trust 100% and see what kind of husband he turns out to be. YOU can RAISE his self-esteem by respecting him and trusting him...There's really no other way...Love, Rori Dorit – Welcome…and go visit Tinque at SexandHeart.com….Trust is a weird thing…if you don’t trust, you can’t have a relationship. He has to FEEL trusted in order to want to be trustworthy. I don’t think you have any choice but to trust 100% and see what kind of husband he turns out to be. YOU can RAISE his self-esteem by respecting him and trusting him…There’s really no other way…Love, Rori

]]> By: Dorit http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-49422 Dorit Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:36:13 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-49422 Thanks, gals, for letting me know I'm normal! I thought I was over-reacting when my sister caught my fiance joining a singles' site on FB. I confronted him; he has since then removed all single women from his FB and deleted all (that he can remember) his profiles on dating sites. We did get married. BUT! I still don't feel that I can trust him. I have some kind of nagging suspicion in the back of my mind. I'm constantly checking the computer history to see what he's been up to. What's made it worse is that I did find something "inappropriate" that he had viewed online. He claims it was an accident. Yeah, right! And he had previously given me his email password but has since changed it and refuses to tell me the password. I want to trust my husband. I don't want to push him away with my suspicions. How can I get myself to trust him again? And when should I listen to my gut feelings? And, btw, he, too, like the other men mentioned has low self-esteem. Is there a pattern here with men who have low self-esteem and internet addictions? P.S. glad i found your website. Thanks, gals, for letting me know I’m normal! I thought I was over-reacting when my sister caught my fiance joining a singles’ site on FB. I confronted him; he has since then removed all single women from his FB and deleted all (that he can remember) his profiles on dating sites. We did get married. BUT! I still don’t feel that I can trust him. I have some kind of nagging suspicion in the back of my mind. I’m constantly checking the computer history to see what he’s been up to. What’s made it worse is that I did find something “inappropriate” that he had viewed online. He claims it was an accident. Yeah, right! And he had previously given me his email password but has since changed it and refuses to tell me the password. I want to trust my husband. I don’t want to push him away with my suspicions. How can I get myself to trust him again? And when should I listen to my gut feelings? And, btw, he, too, like the other men mentioned has low self-esteem. Is there a pattern here with men who have low self-esteem and internet addictions? P.S. glad i found your website.

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-48886 Rori Raye Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:14:34 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-48886 Sher - BRAVA to you and thank you so much for your story! Love, Rori Sher – BRAVA to you and thank you so much for your story! Love, Rori

]]> By: Sher http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-48870 Sher Fri, 09 Jul 2010 09:58:35 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-48870 To everyone reading and hanging on to a toxic man: BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Rori is absolutely right, do the work you need to do on you, and a toxic man can't possibly be appealing to you. It was somehow easier to have him be the focus, his needs, issues, behavior, than to face the reality that I invited those problems into my life by accepting them and ignoring my own. (I fell for a married man who was 'separated', and the cesspool I fell into was really about my own beliefs about myself, what I deserved, what I would tolerate.) This is the most amazing discovery of all -- if a toxic man completes me, then I must have toxicity of my own to face and heal. It was an extremely difficult thing to comprehend on a profound emotional level, but the easiest thing to do when I truly decided I was ready to have a healthy, loving, truth-embracing life: I didn't like everything Rori recommended, and I didn't like the fact that it wasn't HIM, it was ME who was creating the pain and chaos in my life by INVITING it. Ouch ouch ouch. Rather than using all my strength and energy (and anyone reading this who struggles with a toxic guy has lots of it) to deal with his issues, I used Rori's tools; listened to the CDs over and over again until they overcame old beliefs about me and love and what was acceptable to me; I prayed, I wrote, I read books on healing and HIGHLY recommend "Love What Is" by Byron Katy. This book is about facing truth, and our role in what we invite into our lives. By doing the very simple steps, it opens the door to acceptance: this is truly the way my man is: a liar, a cheat, a drunk, whatever, and I accept him the way he is - without expectation of change. With that acceptance comes understanding, I am attracted to his problems because he helps me avoid my own. Is that how I wish to continue to live? If yes, move on. If no, then the first action step is to remove him from my life. I want to express that this was not easy: it took me six months of listening to Rori DAILY and writing DAILY and reading Love What Is and doing the exercises, along with other books and resources on line, to get to where I was ready to let go. But the day I did, I really did. It wasn't an act to manipulate him to change, it didn't require him to do anything, there was no ultimatum or discussion about it, I was done. If I could give each of you who struggle with a toxic man an extra boost of encouragement, I would. It's a personal journey, and sometimes staying "stuck" is truly preferred. It has been a three year journey to get to where I am now (just recently married to a wonderful, loving man who is generous, trustworthy, committed, my life partner.) Had I not done the work, followed the steps, believed in Rori on days when I could not believe in myself, I would likely still be stuck in an affair, taking crumbs from another woman's plate, hating myself but addicted to the emotional energy and sexual intensity (the wins for me.) What started a few years ago as a glimmer of hope has now become a way of life. I am a Siren for my husband, I am living the life I dreamed of, and I continue to do the work on MYSELF to improve my attitude, behavior and quality of life. My husband is also interested in learning and growing, and we do that together. Wishing you all every good thing. You CAN have the desires of your heart, in a loving healthy way. Sher To everyone reading and hanging on to a toxic man: BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Rori is absolutely right, do the work you need to do on you, and a toxic man can’t possibly be appealing to you. It was somehow easier to have him be the focus, his needs, issues, behavior, than to face the reality that I invited those problems into my life by accepting them and ignoring my own. (I fell for a married man who was ‘separated’, and the cesspool I fell into was really about my own beliefs about myself, what I deserved, what I would tolerate.)
This is the most amazing discovery of all — if a toxic man completes me, then I must have toxicity of my own to face and heal. It was an extremely difficult thing to comprehend on a profound emotional level, but the easiest thing to do when I truly decided I was ready to have a healthy, loving, truth-embracing life: I didn’t like everything Rori recommended, and I didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t HIM, it was ME who was creating the pain and chaos in my life by INVITING it. Ouch ouch ouch.
Rather than using all my strength and energy (and anyone reading this who struggles with a toxic guy has lots of it) to deal with his issues, I used Rori’s tools; listened to the CDs over and over again until they overcame old beliefs about me and love and what was acceptable to me; I prayed, I wrote, I read books on healing and HIGHLY recommend “Love What Is” by Byron Katy.
This book is about facing truth, and our role in what we invite into our lives. By doing the very simple steps, it opens the door to acceptance: this is truly the way my man is: a liar, a cheat, a drunk, whatever, and I accept him the way he is – without expectation of change. With that acceptance comes understanding, I am attracted to his problems because he helps me avoid my own. Is that how I wish to continue to live? If yes, move on. If no, then the first action step is to remove him from my life.
I want to express that this was not easy: it took me six months of listening to Rori DAILY and writing DAILY and reading Love What Is and doing the exercises, along with other books and resources on line, to get to where I was ready to let go. But the day I did, I really did. It wasn’t an act to manipulate him to change, it didn’t require him to do anything, there was no ultimatum or discussion about it, I was done.
If I could give each of you who struggle with a toxic man an extra boost of encouragement, I would. It’s a personal journey, and sometimes staying “stuck” is truly preferred. It has been a three year journey to get to where I am now (just recently married to a wonderful, loving man who is generous, trustworthy, committed, my life partner.) Had I not done the work, followed the steps, believed in Rori on days when I could not believe in myself, I would likely still be stuck in an affair, taking crumbs from another woman’s plate, hating myself but addicted to the emotional energy and sexual intensity (the wins for me.)
What started a few years ago as a glimmer of hope has now become a way of life. I am a Siren for my husband, I am living the life I dreamed of, and I continue to do the work on MYSELF to improve my attitude, behavior and quality of life. My husband is also interested in learning and growing, and we do that together.
Wishing you all every good thing. You CAN have the desires of your heart, in a loving healthy way.
Sher

]]> By: Rori Raye http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-48860 Rori Raye Fri, 09 Jul 2010 04:30:11 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-48860 Amy, Welcome - and if this is not something you can tolerate and be okay with (I wouldn't) then end it now - he won't change. Love, Rori Amy, Welcome – and if this is not something you can tolerate and be okay with (I wouldn’t) then end it now – he won’t change. Love, Rori

]]> By: Amy http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/if-hes-contacting-other-women-online/comment-page-2/#comment-48558 Amy Wed, 07 Jul 2010 10:35:40 +0000 http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?p=51#comment-48558 Rori, I met my fiance online on a dating website. Two months after we were engaged, I found that he sent an email with pictures attached to another woman. When I confonted him, he said that he loved me, didn't want to lose me, wanted a life with me, etc. I installed spyware on his computer to ensure I wasn't making a mistake marrying him. I felt horrible about this but I had to know.... Occassionally I go ito his email and I found that he has added more woen as 'contacts' and instant messages them. This sounds crazy, right? Why am I still with this guy? We are now at a standstill. He told me the same song & dance he told me before, and that he will 'end' this behavior. I have started pulling back and want to know what else I should do. I am terribly hurt. I love him but I don't want a marriage with a cheater. Rori,

I met my fiance online on a dating website. Two months after we were engaged, I found that he sent an email with pictures attached to another woman. When I confonted him, he said that he loved me, didn’t want to lose me, wanted a life with me, etc.
I installed spyware on his computer to ensure I wasn’t making a mistake marrying him. I felt horrible about this but I had to know….
Occassionally I go ito his email and I found that he has added more woen as ‘contacts’ and instant messages them.
This sounds crazy, right? Why am I still with this guy?
We are now at a standstill. He told me the same song & dance he told me before, and that he will ‘end’ this behavior.
I have started pulling back and want to know what else I should do. I am terribly hurt. I love him but I don’t want a marriage with a cheater.

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