What To Do If You Can’t Get Over Him

What is it about getting over a man?  Letting go?  Leaving it be, even without “Closure”?

Here’s part of a comment from Clare – the whole comment is right here->:

“Rori, Is it possible to not be able to get over your first love? It has been 4 years and still I can’t get over the guy whom I first gave my heart & soul to… no there was no sex… but till now, I feel that he is my soul mate. He left me when things got really intense. He had too many other commitments and it was impossible to spend time together. Every time we meet, it would always be tension and silence. But I feel connected with him. Will I ever get over him and find someone whom I can connect with heart and soul? Clare”

I’ve written a lot about the need for “Closure” – Some of us need closure every minute of every day – with everything – it can get to the point of obsessive-compulsive behavior – with needing “closure” about hand-washing, and checking everything 20 times and counting the steps you take to get to the bathroom…and for those of us who go there in our minds only some of the time (we all do it some of the time), it can be going to the same old tape in our heads, over and over again – somehow thinking that returning to the same thought a million times plus one will end the spell and provide, finally, “Closure.”

And that will never happen.

There is no Closure. Wanting Closure is what creates “If Onlies.”  And the “If Onlies” are what keep us stuck, as Clare is, in “What Might Have Been” – instead of “What Is,” and “What Will Be.”

So – what’s one thing Clare can do (and you too, if you’re feeling stuck back with some man from yesterday) to free herself and move forward?

Take him with you.

That’s it.  Plain and simple – don’t TRY to “Let Go.”  Don’t TRY to “Move On.”

Just move forward with your life, do the Tools, Circular Date, Heal Yourself, and TAKE HIM WITH you.

Just put him on the back of your “Horse” (The horse imagery and Tools is in my Heart Connection Toolkit “Plan”) and ride down your Highway Of Love.  Don’t pay attention to him – yeah – he’s pulling on you – but soon enough, an amazing thing will happen.

As you’re riding along, talking with men, learning about yourself and how you STOP yourself from really engaging with and being authentic with – just BEING with – a man, you’ll start to feel excited about your possibilities.

And as you become excited – you’re going to become BORED with this “old” guy sitting on the back of your Horse.

You’re going to get tired of feeding him, and paying attention to him – basically – you’re going to want to kick him off.

You’re going to want him to disappear. You’re going to want him to get lost. You’re going to get weary and irritated with all the energy it takes to keep him ALIVE for you on the back of that horse there.

You’re going to WANT to be free.

You’re going to feel stronger, you’re going to feel more confident, you’re going to trust yourself more, and – yes – you’re going to meet MANY new men.  And as you go along – they’re all going to change.

Instead of looking like toads in comparison to that man on the back of your Horse, the new men you meet and talk to and learn to be YOURSELF with are going to look BETTER than he does.

So let me know when that happens – because it will.

And – guess what – even if you choose to keep him on the back of your Horse – HE will change!

He’ll become your “muse” – he’ll begin to HELP you with these new men.

And instead of “Letting Go” – all you’ll have to do is “Let It Happen.”  And then – everything you truly want WILL happen.

Love, Rori

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59 Comments to “What To Do If You Can’t Get Over Him”

  1. 1: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    OK, so this makes perfect sense. The moment I *really* started to get over my husband was the moment I decided to “take him with me” so to speak…he’s the annoying engineer who turns wheels in my head, and he’s also one of my incredibly handsome imaginary lovers on the island of the Sirens. ;) So the actual guy doesn’t really have a hold on me anymore, it’s almost as though he doesn’t really exist (except when I have to see him, which is another kettle of fish altogether).

    And it is true, whereas before all the men I met were annoying manwhores, now I’ve gone online and … holy crap, a couple DECENT guys have contacted me…some of them are even ATTRACTIVE guys…and I’m in a panic! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to write back. I have to keep remembering that this is a Baby Step, these guys aren’t necessarily my Soul Mate, and all I need to do is explore and experiment…there is a fear that my true self doesn’t match up with the glowing profile that I’ve written for myself…when in fact the glowing profile IS my true self, and what I’ve got going on right now is a pile of excess baggage that will soon fall away.

    Tuesday, 9 December 2008 @ 2:03pm

  2. 2: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i will let you know when this happens rori definitely. bc all i really feel like i have in this moment right now is YOUR faith. i have this moment. this moment when it is taking everything i have not to sit in the muck but to just touch things and say thank you. bc i don’t know why but i feel sad and in a financial crisis which is triggering my self hatred. oh ok so i guess i do know why. it is my financial situation and all i can do is practice having compassion for why i am so mean and punishing and stingy with myself.

    i do have three imaginary men riding on my horse with me. i wish they were contributing to my well being but they are not. they are just keeping me company. i would love to kick them off my horse but then i have no one. and honestly that just feels worse. i’ve been alone my whole life. i know what that feels like. yae i can enjoy my own company. yae i can romance myself. yae my horse runs faster with just me. yippee. who cares? i want a man rowing the boat damnit.

    wow. i feel really sad and self pitying and i love my sadness and self pity and all myy incompetencies and obsessive behaviors. thank you.

    Tuesday, 9 December 2008 @ 4:11pm

  3. 3: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so sad and i don’t know why. i’m just crying and i don’t know why. and i feel like when i get scared it’s like an axiety attack but with different symptoms. i just get really scared and i just want to shut down and stop functioning. and i don’t understand. and i am trying to find reasons to pin these feeloings on. why? and i am trying not to wallow in them or keep them around i am trying to process through them but the aye staying with me like a cloud all around my waist. i feel like someone stole my favorite toy. and i feel scared of death and i feel afraid of wasting my life and i feel scared of never having a real relationship. and i don’t even hate my boss anymore. i totally don’t care about him i actually feel sorry for him which is annoying.

    i am trying to just love myself and stay in the moment and be grateful. i am trying to be really compassionate to my little orphan stringy haired street urchin that lives within me and has been shunned away my whole life. i try to tell her it is ok and that i love her and we will be ok.

    my inside of my head hurts from trying to control my tears. i don’t really want to be this undone mess. who would ever love me? i guess me. i guess it’s got to start with me. and it’s good bc the more compassion i develop for myself the more compassion that seems to magically show up for others. although i let people walk all over me alot less than i used to. more compassion but also stronger boundaries. like i’m sorry you need to blah blah blah in someone’s ear all day without being a true friend back but my ears are not available for that. anymore nice seeing you again. take care.

    i feel better. i still feel very paralyzed and like barely getting through moment by moment but i feel a little bit of a release.

    Tuesday, 9 December 2008 @ 11:05pm

  4. 4: ErikaNo Gravatar says:

    Believe it or not, everything Rori is saying is true. But what really blows my mind now is how hard it is to keep any particular man in my mind. The ability to obsess about a particular guy has literally disappeared. I never thought this would be possible … but it IS. :-)

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 12:35am

  5. 5: Maria X.No Gravatar says:

    Ladies I feel your pain I’m going through the same all of you, and I mean all of you are going through…yicky! What is helping me alot is hearing Rori’s voice saying: start with baby steps…and I realized something that in the world we live in (my world) of having been overfunctioning I wanted to see things yesterday for today…but now I realize it’s baby steps today for yesterday so I’m feeling abit more relaxed and confident and am more aware of my needs to take care of myself, and God It’s so hard, it feels so scary but I know it’s good to feel scared it’s because it’s all new a new way of being, just being, and isn’t part of humankind to fear the unknown? I can say yes we are all into something here, and I have faith we are all going to make it…I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, because it is sad pain is actually leaving our bodies as we do this, it feels more like because we are letting go of what we known all of our lives, we are afraid of letting go and it’s not so much of letting go of our man but all this conditioning inside of us, can you ladies relate? Rori was right when she said that it’s easier to let go of our man, but our conditioning from a whole life time is what it’s hard to let go of, but ladies it’s not impossible and as I said before: “We are sailing to a better shore” and there is where we want to be, because we are so deserving of what awaits for us there, and it’s only there that we will definetely HAVE WHAT WE WANT…Bless us all in this journey!

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 6:23am

  6. 6: Maria X.No Gravatar says:

    sorry typo: baby steps today for tomorrow! LOL…

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 6:24am

  7. 7: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Alias Girl…..your post made me cry. I wish that I could just give you a huge hug and let you cry until you dont’ feel like crying anymore! I so understand so much of what you are going through/ feeling. You are such an amazing person with such a beautiful heart. You will have the things that you want, I have no doubt of that!
    Reshi…you are in such an amazing place! I am so proud of you girl! You too are amazing and such an inspiration! I can’t wait to see what wonderful things unfold for you next!
    Erika…how did you get there? What did you do? Was it a process of following Rori’s tools/ steps? I want to feel that how I feel is what matters not what my man is thinking, doing or feeling. I want to be able to focus on me and not feel guilty or selfish. I love that you no longer obsess over a guy..that is fantastic. You should go out and celebrate that for sure. If I were wherever you are I would take you out for a girls night and we would celebrate that!!

    You guys ROCK!!
    Love and hugs….
    Cassandra

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 12:13pm

  8. 8: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    hey maria x and cassandra and reshi. we wouldn’t be on this website if we weren’t willing to go for it. i truly believe that love and light and peace of mind and joy await us. we are literally baby steps away from it. it is just lying dormant within us waiting until we have made the soil ripe and rich and cared for and protected and watered. we are tending to ourselves. joy is ours. it may look very different for all of us as we find our authentic selves and discover what we truly want.

    it is so beautiful to see us unfolding. and rori you are amazing. i don’t know how you do it.

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 2:58pm

  9. 9: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies for the lovely words of encouragement! And I’m going to take the risk of sounding like a Bitch here…but I, quite honestly, have been blowing myself away lately. I’ve developed a clarity of thought and purpose over the past couple weeks that I never thought I could have. And really, I couldn’t have done it without any of you. and I owe a HUGE debt to Rori–the personal attention you’ve given me here has worked miracles in me. Even if I never find a man…it’s all been worthwhile, buying the programs has been worthwhile. Because I was able to get conscious, heal my heart, and find my love for me and the Goddess’s fierce love for me. I expected that if my marriage ended, I would be utterly devastated, destroyed, and set up only for further failure and misery spiraling inevitably downwards until I died in a gutter somewhere. Instead I feel loved, I can see a better life ahead of me, and I’ve become amazingly motivated to go out there and get it!

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 3:29pm

  10. 10: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ladies– Alias girl, you have me in tears. I wish I was there with you so that we could cry together. I have a boss that is lazy and I just decided that I was not going to worry about it anymore because it was not my problem to deal with. I am going to take a love bath and enjoy myself. I have a sexy guy coming over tonight. It is not the object of my affection but he is good company. I will be online for a while through.

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 6:10pm

  11. 11: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Reshi….I am so happy for you and so want to get to where you are with or without Charles or any other man. You have worked so hard and thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us. Youa re such an amazing inspiration and I personally have learned so much from you sharing with us…thank you for that. I cannot wait to hear about all of the awe inspiring things that are in front of you…as Alias Girl said….right in front of you. You sound so peaceful and content and from your choice of words and how you wrote them I feel as sense of true inner love and contentment no matter what is going on around you. I cannot wait to get there. With love and Huge hug to all …..
    Cassandra

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 8:08pm

  12. 12: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Cassandra!!! How are you doing tonight???

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 8:11pm

  13. 13: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    HI TW….hope you are well. I was just about to shut down the computer when I saw your post pop up! :-) I am ok. mostly good. It has been a little stressful this evening because the semi konked out on Charles leaving him stranded on the side of the road with a freightload. I called several dealerships for him as I was online and could get to the phine numbers quickly and someone came out and replaced a part for him but as soon as he got back on the road the same warning light came back on. he is now headed back home with the frieght. This was the ONLY load that he was going to have all week long…he only had 1 load last week as well and he is stressed out beyond belief. he does not handle things well when he is like this soI am a bit nervous not to mention that he will need to miss another day of work to take me to have surgery….really bad timing. I am kind of scared that he is going to explode. I know it is not my fault but I do feel horrible that I can’t contribute much financially right now…I do what I can but it does not pay the mortgage if you know what I mean. TW, Iam kind of scared that bills are going to start going unpaid. Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t care if we were in an apartment together as long as we were together. I am trying so hard to finda job but right now withthis surgery coming up I have to focus on that and then get back into the job search. I know it will be ok…somehow….someway.

    How are you this evening? When is your party?

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 8:20pm

  14. 14: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra– God will take care of your bills. You just need to focus on getting better and then everything will fall into place. Just pray about it. Charles will come around. He may just feel some pressure to make sure that you are okay and sometimes men do not always have a tactful way of doing that. The party is not until the 20th but it may just be the ladies and then I may meet him afterwards. We have not had a girl’s night in a long time but he would still get to see me in my sexy dress. I wore some red lingerie for him one night and I thought he was going to rip it off right there in the kitchen. It was crazy. I wish things were a little easier with me and him but he is still playing the hot and cold game with me. One minute he is all loving and then the next he is cold again. I am just taking it one day at a time and right now that is all we can do. Everything is going to be okay. Love you and keep your head up and pray about everything. We are always talking about telling a man what we want and how we feel but it is okay to tell the most important man in your life how you feel as well. It is okay to ask God for things.

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 8:27pm

  15. 15: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    reshi you say even if you never find a man it will have been worthwhile. i feel the same way. i also say that if you want to find a man that is your perfect match, you will. it won’t be perfect in the sense that one might think when they hear the word perfect but perfect for you. if that’s what you want. you will be very happy either way. i just know this to be true.

    anyway i appreciate the compassion ladies and i feel we are all healing and it feels really good and is wonderful to read.

    i read on this website today that to figure out your true purpose in life just write out the question what is my true purpose in life and then riff on the answers and the one that makes you cry is your true purpose. i could/lt find one that made me cry but i did find one that made me laugh. and everytime i wrtoe it i would laugh just like someone had just told me a funny joke. so i’m pretty sure that’s my true purpose bc i am kind of wired that way.

    xoxo :)

    Wednesday, 10 December 2008 @ 11:27pm

  16. 16: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Alias Girl that is cool! I want to do that now although I kind of feel scared… that’s ok tho… I love myself lol… I feel like a dork… I love my dorkiness… hmm i am remembering times in elementary school when i felt bad about myself… that is ok too… I love myself and my elementary school self… I give my little kid self a hug… I feel so vulnerable… I feel like people are hiding in the corners gossiping about me while I am being completely naive and honest… it feels awful… I love my feelings… I am so brave for this… I want to give myself props… I love myself… Yeah… what what… lol… I am feeling better… it feels like smiling… yay… i feel happy… whoa this is so weird and cool… what is my life purpose… i feel like a turtle… super whale… hmmm… saving marine animals?… living by the beach all natural and having turtles in the water by the house… i like that… being a firefighter… i dont really want that… too tall to climb and I dont want it too much red… hmmm… being a sculptor… sculpting… very lonely… hmm… my eyes feel like they are burning… i love myself! I love my burning eyes… i feel really outraged at something indefinite… GRRRRR!!! I feel like a fiery fire demon… like a pirate grrrrr… I like being a pirate or an outlaw like robin hood… that feels like tightness in my right temple… and I love my feelings… left temple now hehe… lol I feel a little confused and dissapointed that i haven’t gotten anything that makes me cry or laugh… I do really like the all natural house luxurious hut on the beach with the sea turtles in the water… so that’s good… it felt really fun to write that… even though right now my cheeks are really feeling tight and my eyes above that feel kind of blurry and the back of my head feels very tight like I’m having a duhh i was so stupid moment… and that’s ok I love myself… I forgive myself… I love the part of me that feels stupid… I love yu and I you to feel good… I feel sorry you feel bad… I am here for you… I want to reassure you and say I love you and don’t think you’re stupid… I think your’e great… I love you… Im going to feel better now and you can with me… I feel so weird and chilly… I feel smily and I still feel tight in my cheeks, and now my head hurts and I feel tired… and that is ok… I love myself… and part of me wants to feel good in my body and I love that part of me… I love the part of me that is hurting too… thank you for being part of me! I love you and I want to feel good! And now I feel a little frustrated taht the right side of my head hurts! I feel stuck… and now my right big toe hurts!! weird… Im feeling fidgety trying to get away from this feeling! I feel like I am constantly writing what I feel which is cool… I’m feeling accomplished… and that feels like smiling but also tightening the right part of my body from my cheek down the sides of my neck and ribs! So cool! and Weird! I can’t believe I never noticed this about myself before… and now the outside parts of my feet are tingling… I feel like my eyes are watering which happens sometimes when I’m self conscious or reading aloud in public… and weird it happens to my dad too… so this is like a very vulnerable feeling I guess… it feels tiring to follow my feelings around… my left ear is tingling now… and now my left ribs… my eyes feel tired and spinny… hmm… well it’s kind of cool… i feel like im riffing my way through a headache… which is pretty awesome… I feel like lately I’ve been noticing a lot of headaches so maybe I am learning to Be with them and flow and channel them or heal them… cool… i am learning how to emotionally feel through my headaches… very cool… i feel impressed… I feel smug… I feel amusing like I am smoking a cigarette in space and looking at the earth… I feel like a very cool diva right now… and now I feel my nose tightening up and my shoulders likea band through my back… so weird.. ok I feel all jumpy… I feel too embarassed, no uncomfortable feeling all these feelings… I feel like apologizing for the length of this post… It feels too good to keep typing right now… I don’t want to stop although I would’ve wanted my post about half as long… maybe I’ll wind up typing a novel here and get it published… that would be cool… that feels like smilng!!!
    WHOA! what if that is my purpose! OMG this is cool! This is too much my eyes feel like they are tearing over and I’m smiling… NO fuckin way!!! Yes I meant to type that I was going to x it out but I really feel like that! WOW! SO I guess this process works… thanks Alias Girl… tears are dripping down off my face right now and I feel good… going to bed! yay! yay!1 lol I feel embarassed! Wow! I’m really going to stop writing now… lol … I feel embarassed… aaaaah… lol I feel like running and smiling and waving my arms like I’m a little girl and I’m running free… that feels reallly good! I feel happy… Thank you everyone and ME!

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 1:22am

  17. 17: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks TW…you are right. Sometimes we allow ourselves to get knee deep in problems and worry about them but forget to ask the ONE who can and will fix them. Thanks for reminding me of that cuz you are SO right. Reshi and Alias Girl….I love what you guys said about whether or not you ever find the ‘right’ guy orthe perfect match, all of this work is still so worthwhile. I love that! I agree wholeheartedly! I also agree that you WILL find the perfect match for you but that like AG said it may not be in the form you expect. I always have to giggle at that cuz I joke with my BF that the man that will treat me like a princess will be 3 feet tall, bald with no teeth and green all over. AG…that is so cool about finding your purpose. I would love to check out that site as well. Reshi – didn’t your new job start this week? or is it next week? I can’t remember. Anyway – I hope all goes well for you! Daria…I loved your novel too! I loved reading your riff and your process….WAAAY COOL!!! I am going to go do that excercise as well and perhaps I will find a new purpose that makes me happy and is doable. Love you guys….
    Cassandra

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 6:55am

  18. 18: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling awful… my parents keep arguing and arguing and this Sunday there was a really bad argument at the restaurant and it’s so classic from what I hear people going through. This makes me feel so worried and unsafe for my future. I am financialy dependent on them still and I hate myself for that. And I want them to be happy and to feel appreciated. I try to communicate about what I’ve learned here but find myself screaming just like they are. My mom keeps pushing me away and says that I shouldn’t interfere and she didn’t interfere in her parents issues and it feels awful. I don’t want to not interfere. I want to be loved. I feel awful. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone right now and I am just crying. Thank you.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 11:12am

  19. 19: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Daria….I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and I think that it wojld be good if you could go do something that is good for YOU….go do something that will make you feel good….get a manicure or a pedicure or go get your hair done so that you can pamper yourself and get out of earshot from that arguement. I hate that you are in that situation.

    TW…I am praying for you and your family, including your Grandfather. I am sorry that you and your familyu are going through this but you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love you guys….
    Cassandra

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 12:18pm

  20. 20: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – use the Tools with your parents. Be a girl. don’t try to solve, don’t try to help – don’t be a boy. Sit back, lean back, and say things like – “I feel so unsafe.” “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

    They’ll ask you what’s up, perhaps, and you say…

    “I feel sick when I experience conflict. I want to jump in and make it all better, and that feels awful because I know I can’t do that.”

    Don’t expect ANYTHING to CHANGE, except the way YOU feel, and the way they treat you.

    This is the Rori Raye Mantra in action. Use your parents to help you grow in this just the way you use Circular Dating. Learn to use feeling messages and GIVE UP CONTROL. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 12:31pm

  21. 21: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all for your prayers. I post his condition on the ask a question and I will respond blog. I love you all and I will post again later. I am on my way back to the hospital.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 1:06pm

  22. 22: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok.. I like this post! when I read it I giggled to myself and shook my head at the immediate picture I got in my head.
    I have been having a hard time getting over the man I was totally in love with who left me suddenly with his cowardly text message. “I love you as a dear friend.. I am not “in love with you, sorry to have hurt you”. After an amazing two year relationship….. I know that I still idealize him. I remember what it like when we first met.. he being so “in to me” and the wonderfulness of it all . It is those memories that I feed with my thoughts that create my fantasy or a relationship still happeing between us.

    When I read this post from Rori I visualized me mounting my horse and attemtping to move on with my life. and me taking him along with me because I cant seem to let go of him So there we are mounted on my horse. I love this..Rori’s idea which is counter intertuitive it quite affective! When I looked at us there sitting there and I saw that I did not look so healthy.. and he was the epitamy of health! Hmmmm ….I did not like that not one bit! Then it hit me it’s because I keep feeding him and attending to him with my thoughts and not focusing on me like I should be! Even though I try to focus on me and my goals..I seem to slip back and play old tapes. So frustrating! It is like I keep playing a my terrible nitemare fairytale over and over in my mind. Can anyone relate?

    So today at work.. (which is where I play my old melancoly tapes in my mind seeminly all day long) I made myself focus on reality instead today..( this was a directed act of my will today). I focused on what it true and I repeated it over and over in an attempt to kill the lies I believe and hold onto in my subconsious. I said to my self… He was so selfish. He betrayed you. He lied to you more than once and he cheated ! He treated you like crap not a friend for six months!.. He said he would call and then he disappeared without a word.. You dont trust Him. He told you he would never reject you and that you were safe with him UGH!!!! Suddenly the face I longed to see and touch , I could not stand the thought of.

    I dont want this guy on the back of my beautiful horse. What the heck was I thinking? I pushed him off and trotted away.

    No more hoping that he will change back to the man he was when we first met. No more crying and hoping that he would recognize my value. Instead I am focusing on accepting what is and what he did to destroy our relationship needlessly and if he does want to be in my life he’s got a long road to travel. No more tragic nitemare fairy tale, just an airing of the reality show instead. Maybe this was not a baby step today but a great BIG GIANT step!

    Sheesh what a journey. Maybe this will help someone that finds themselves in a similar place. (smiles)

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 2:54pm

  23. 23: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    ah yes daria. what if that IS your purpose? :)

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 5:05pm

  24. 24: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    WOW linda! that is a huge shift. maybe somewhere in the middle of the extremes you will find your truth. good for you. i can just hear the shift to self care in your words and that is verrrrrry exciting!

    cassandra i hope your tests cam back ok.

    tw my thoughts are with you.

    rori you are so fab. :)

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 5:10pm

  25. 25: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you all for your thoughts and your prayers. He is still in the same coneition so we will just have to see tomorrow. I am going to try to go to work tomorrow and then I am goign to the hospital around 1 or so. I love you guys and I will talk to you all tomorrow.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 6:39pm

  26. 26: ReshiNo Gravatar says:

    Linda, I LOVE the mental image of you being like “What the heck?” and then pushing the guy off the horse and trotting off…that’s just awesome…and TW, you’re in my prayers, I hope all goes well with your family.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 7:03pm

  27. 27: TWNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Reshi– It is a hard pill for me to swallow because ALL of my grandparents are still living and I am the oldest grandchild. I think it is harder for me to deal with because he was not sick prior to this happening. I hate to see him like that. I am going to pray for him that God does what he sees fit because in the end he has all control. I just do not want my grandfather to suffer.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 7:20pm

  28. 28: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi everyone, today I am having a really difficult day. I feel shaky all over. I was in bed for aobout 6 hours and didn’t want to get up. It seems that things are just falling apart around me. What got me out of bed was ironic… I called the guy that I “can’t get over.” I have been calling him like everyday the past few days. LOL. Otherwise I guess I have been doing ok using the tools but probably sabotaging myself this way. Well I asked him to tell me something good because I feel very down. And he tells me he is having a baby. Not sure but probably. Lol. I said that is good for him since I know that he wanted a baby. I was always worried about this moment but right now that I am crushed it can’t crush me. Which is kind of cool. I feel real low and beat up. Lol. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t feel like dying but I feel like just lying down and closing my eyes and making it all disappear. That’s what I did today for most of the day. I feel horrible. I want to love my horribleness. Maybe I should make a pact with myself that I will not call him again. Maybe I should make a pact with myself that I will never love anyone else again. That sounds safe. I feel like drowning him on my horse and getting out of there. I want to suffer. I want help right now.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 9:46pm

  29. 29: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    daria you can riff and morph your way out of this. it sounds like a very painful situation for you and i feel sorry you are going through a hard time. there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. as well as a lightness waiting for you there too. i know when i was going through a hard time a couple of days ago i just kept touching physcial objects. really trying to stay present in the present moment. and thanking everything. thanking the tiles in the public restroom for being there. grateful i had a job. thanking the walls. anything i touched i said thank you. thnak you stranger take care of yourself. be gentle with yourself and try not to beat yourself up. xxxxxxooooooo.

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 10:54pm

  30. 30: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just keep seeing him on his knees, begging me to come back to him and saying he is so sorry for the way he has treated me.
    That is what I want. I also want to feel good. Well this is a welcome distraction from the rest of the things that were getting me down in my life.
    I feel a tightness in my upper stomach. I love my tightness. I love the tightness in my temples. I love myself. I love my desperation. I love that I am desperately in love with this man and afraid to say it here. I love that I will self destruct myself with my love. I feel hopeless. I am a used woman. I will never be whole. And that is ok. I love my quiet desperation. I will love myself no matter what. I hate that my heart does not love me. I want my heart to love me not him. I feel like a life drained zombie. I love my life drained zombie. I am giving myself a rose. My zombie is eating the rose. It feels happy. I feel ashamed that some parts of myself are male in appearance. Even my inner child. I really want to be happy. I want to be happy that he likes this girl so much. Our shared best guy friend told me that he also liked her but that he came in and started to like her when she didn’t really like him, and now he just like fell in love with her so fast. Which is weird. He is not falling in love with me. I am still in love with him. Yay. That feels comfortable. I am used to losing at love. I have been losing for a very long time. Ok back to riffing. I want to feel good. I want to feel powerful. I want this one man. I am allowed to have everything but I’m not supposed to want this one man. Not fair. That is what I want. I would feel so safe and warm and unafraid. That would feel great. I would love to sit in his room and play videogames and he can tell me how fun it is to spend time with me. How can I have blown that. And he didn’t even have any children. Now he will. Now normally this would turn me off but I feel worried that I will still like him, children and all. I feel useless. I feel like my purpose on Earth is to be used. I am a side player to the main story, not the heroine. I am just here to get drained like a zombie. I feel tightness in my mouth. I want to love myself. I do love myself. I feel sorry for myself. Sorry I couldn’t give you everything you wanted self. I really want you to have everything you want. And I will not leave you. I will not fall in love with another woman. I feel really angry because he lied and said that he didn’t really like this girl. He liked another girl that moved to New York. Lol. This is such bullshit. I feel disgusted to take this man on my horse. I am not even on a horse. I am following him around on this girl’s horse, crawling through the bushes around them like the creature from Lord of the Rings, not being able to be away. And again, I want to love myself. I feel humiliated, but not really because a weird Lord of the Rings creature doesn’t feel humiliation. It only feels desperate desire, hope and hearbreak. Ironically I am so pretty. I feel like disfiguring myself so I can be in tune with my inner feelings. I don’t really want to do that though. It would feel fun if I was in tune with my outer appearance. That feels like smiling, like owning the world. All the world except this man who loves someone else… I am remembering a time when I felt equally desperate for someone else, one of his friends actually. He married my backstabbing best friend. Lol. And I couldn’t understand how he could pick her over me, and just held out hope that he would come back. I remember crying desperately to another guy to teach me how to get him back. That makes me smile now. I stopped liking him at one point because this current guy pursued me so much and made me feel so good… I finally gave in to him… and now here I am desperate. I haven’t shaken this one off yet. Maybe it really is all about me. And now I feel I have hope. Yay. I didn’t win the last one and that is ok because I would not want to be in their marriage. I am ready for the next one. Maybe the next one is me. Let’s see. I like a lot of excitement, and feeling close and special. I wonder how I could give that to myself. Excitement. Maybe I could do some dance shows. Feeling close and special? Laughing? I’m not sure how to do that for myself. But I am feeling better. I am still picturing him with this girl, however, and it makes my lower stomach feel tight. And that is ok. I love my tightness. Why aren’t other guys around me making me feel as good as this one does? No fair. I am agressively dating lol. That is I am giving my number out and accepting lots of dates. I feel gross thinking about my work! Why is everything related. I feel afraid and ashamed of my parents because I am not actively working on my work. I feel trapped in a shame box. I feel ANGRY. I want to rip my shame box down, and now I did. I feel like the incredible hulk, and I am kissing my huge bicep. Lol. That is so funny. Dude I just DON’T GET how this guy doesn’t like me. I mean I am freakin awesome! Lol. He is telling me in my imagination that he doesn’t because I don’t love myself, but when I will he will. Well. I thought I was loving myself. More more more. How much can I love myself. And why am I so freakin alone. I always build these great networks of friends only to have them fall apart eventually. I can’t seem to get a real extended family together like I want to. And I really want an extended family type of network, so taht right now I could go to my friend/cousin’s house for example and play videogames. I’ve been wanting to play videogames at his house, and I think part of the reason is not him, just the videogames themselves. It feels so freakin good in his room! That is my favorite space in the world. Well that is ok. And it is ok to change that too. Maybe I should make my room my favorite space in the world, even though it is cluttered and cold right now. And I would need to buy appliances I don’t really have money for right now. Oh do you know I wanted to tell him I wanted us to move in together! wow. I forgot about that. I feel really tense in my stomach and forehead. I love myself and my tension. I feel like if I can truly overcome this then that will be a sign that I am really loving myself. That would be cool. Of course I don’t feel like I can overcome this, whatever that means. And I love myself anyways. Well. It’s kind of cool to keep loving myself this way. Any time I say something taht makes me feel sad, here I am telling myself I love myself. Sure takes the wind out of my down sails. Lol! That’s good! Hehe. I feel safe typing and typing on here. It’s kind of cool. I feel sad thinking I won’t be able to have his room. I feel sad thinking how our mutual friend is going to keep bringing him up and how he likes that girl and stuff… gr… at times I thought I was going to get over him but our friend’s comments kept grinding into my ear. I feel sad knowing the whole neighborhood knows we used to be close friends, the closest friends, and I will probably eventually lose every last one of my friends along with him. So much for friendship forever. I will still probably have my God-sister, but she is isolated now too. So, Ill lose access to all the fun people activities. That will suck. This sucks. What I want is him to like me now and for me to be the queen to his throne. That is what everyone expected. No one expected him to not like me. Everyone likes me! GRRR… I always lose the ones I like. I can fix this by loving myself. I know I can. That means working out and looking hot? But how will he see me. That means not calling him? But he owes me money now lol… I don’t really care… I’m pretty sure he will eventually pay me back…So not calling him, not seeing him, what is there to do with my life lol…? I don’t have friends I can talk to and feel good with like him… and he doesn’t even want to talk to me all like that! WOW! I am chasing this man down and stopping right before the whack him on the head with a club and drag him to my cave part. Mama Gena’s book says its ok to whack him and drag him. I know in the past if I wanted to have a baby with him he wanted one with me. He asked me before more than once. But I did not want to have a baby without getting married first, and I did not want to get married without doing “all the right things” and seeing the behavior from him I wanted. So now I am in the if only, although I know I still wouldn’t want a baby without getting married, even with him. I can imagine feeling like this and with a baby… well I would really feel desperate in that case. I can move on from this… I suppose. I can build another network for another 10 years. I just feel like I will wind up alone anyways. I feel like I am in exile. My name means “the one who brings the light” and “the one who brings the good” and I feel like I want to bring that to people. That’s why I always focus on others. But it seems I’m not bringing much light to my family, and now my friends either? hmm… I guess the answer is to bring myself the light, the good. What would that mean? I am just really into having other people around me. So will that bring me perpetual desperation and disappointment? I do not want to always be by myself. I want to feel happy and surrounded by people. I want to feel loved by a man I love. The man I love. And that feels warm, and loving, like a queen at her court where they are honored and loved. But now he “fell in love with this girl so fast” and that feels awful to think about. I want him to fall in love with me. I feel tired of typing…

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 11:40pm

  31. 31: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oops that one was really long… sorry guys lol

    Thursday, 11 December 2008 @ 11:40pm

  32. 32: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    omg. what is this that comes over me? omg. i was in the grocery store and i just wanted to do rori’s drop to your knees. omg. now i am literally lying in my hallyway just lying here. what is this? attributable to no outside stimulus. wtf. i feel like my whole body is just going to blow up like a space shuttle explodes in space with large chunks of my . omg. i feel sad. what is this? i feel sad. i am not even sad. why is my body releasing sadness? i am not sad about my life.

    wow i had to just stop typing while i cried. it feels like my head is too tight inside it. it feels like loss. almost like i lost my parents. weird. it is incomperable to anything i have ever felt and also weird since it is not really triggered by anything. it feels kind of aeful. like my body is just locked up. like a computer freezes up. like that. it almost feels like

    i don’t feel like typing. ugh. i don’t feel like doing anything. ugh. ugh.

    Friday, 12 December 2008 @ 12:03am

  33. 33: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohh… alias girl that happened to me right when I first tried to follow my feelings… keep releasing it !!

    Friday, 12 December 2008 @ 12:17am

  34. 34: SandyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Rori. Great advice! It always irks me when someone says, “oh, just move on already,” or “just get over him.” As if I can just flip a switch… Specially if it was someone you really loved and you had a very close connection with.

    What makes it so annoying is that others minimize our feelings for these men, when in fact, these feelings may still be very strong. But somehow we are expected to just stuff them down and pretend everything’s fine.

    I have sort of been taking my man on my imaginary horse with me, because this certainly hasn’t stopped me from getting out there and meeting other guys. But now I will be more conscious of it.

    Friday, 12 December 2008 @ 2:53pm

  35. 35: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    l popped up reading some posts about Vogue and Jennifer Anistons statements about how Angelina Jolie acted “uncool” of stealing Jens husband, who we all know. And still after all those years she (Jen) cant get over it and l feel sorry for her. Mostly because public can be mean and l hate to read comments of people who thing she just get “over it and move on”.
    l have someone in my life who l cant get over with (as you know, sometimes someone indeed can get so deeply under your skin) and l probably never will. All l can do now is not to fight against this love that l keep for him, (even though according tho standards he does not deserve it) and live with it. He wanted us to be friends, l did not, so he never hear from me again. And he does not have to know. l just move on. With my ups and downs.

    Saturday, 13 December 2008 @ 6:16pm

  36. 36: PaulaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much for these words on ‘Taking him with me.’ I have tried to let him go so much and for such a long time. Nothing has worked and now I have decided to take him with me in my heart. I feel so much more at peace. I talk to him in my heart. I hope I’m not becoming crazy…. And I am saying things like ‘if you come back to me, I will be different. I will love myself more’. ‘In fact, I don’t think I want to live in Paris with you’. I never dreamed I could decide what I want in the future with him. I just wanted to be with him. So this talking to him is liberating. I think I can move on WITH him.

    Sunday, 14 December 2008 @ 6:02am

  37. 37: Tina TobinNo Gravatar says:

    You’re so right about closure. Women seek this so badly and use a lack of it as an excuse for not moving on. In the meantime their trying to live their lives looking backward instead of moving forward. Nothing should ever keep us from progressing forward in any aspect of our lives, especially something as elusive as “closure.”

    Sunday, 14 December 2008 @ 2:40pm

  38. 38: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Paula – Welcome, and Thanks for your comment. A Tweak here – Take him with you – but don’t talk to him. Listen if you will, but don’t invest any energy in talking. Let HIM talk to YOU if that’s what happens, but don’t turn your energy to him – okay? Rori

    Sunday, 14 December 2008 @ 3:11pm

  39. 39: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Daria….I hate that you were going thru such hurtful situation. It is good though that you riffed your through it and felt at least a little better..I do hope that you are in a better place today. AG….I have had a few of those moments myself. I have always ended up feeling alot better after allowing myself to cry it out. I hope that you too feel a whole lot better today. I wish that I could give each of you a huge hug.
    XOXO….Love,
    Cassandra
    Ca

    Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 8:31am

  40. 40: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Cassandra… I am feeling very happy today all I did was what I felt would pleasure me! And found out some cool stuff about myself and even tho no romantic pursuers have called me I feel happy!

    Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 11:44pm

  41. 41: PaulaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks for your response Rori. I have stopped talking to him but feel like I am back to not knowing how to get over him.

    I have tried all kinds of therapy, anti anxiety medication, acupuncture, meditation, talking, reading all kinds of books and I still feel obsessed with him. Perhaps you or the wonderful women here can help me.

    I broke up with Ed 18 months ago because he was not faithful to me. He used my computer and I discovered that he was using dating agencies and internet chat rooms to meet women. Lots of women! The bottom fell out of my world.

    It took me a long time to move out from his home and his children and to stop being in contact with him. I’ve finally done that but there is one big way that I still give him a lot of energy. I read his email!

    It is hurting me so much and I have tried to stop this compulsion but I haven’t succeeded for very long. First, I was reading his loving words to many women. Now, there seems to be only one woman. (I’m not sure as he could use several email addresses). He does seem to be in love with her. I could begin to accept that he is finally gone from me except that she is married.

    He can’t see her so often and I am hopeful that the relationship won’t last. Of course, I know logically that he won’t come back to me if this relationship DOES end but I still have hope.

    He says such beautiful things to her. He is a different man to her than he ever was with me. Very loving and needy. I know she is not available and I was.

    HOWEVER, I want to concentrate on my journey in life and not his. I am so ashamed of what I do. It is not ethical or honest. I know I do it because I am still holding onto hope that he will be free to come back to me and love me. That will never happen.

    I would be so grateful if you could help me out of this pain. Sometimes, I feel so suicidal as I’m hurting myself so much. I want to be free to live my short life in a good way, taking card of myself.

    Thank you.

    Thursday, 18 December 2008 @ 2:59am

  42. 42: alias girlNo Gravatar says:

    hi paula. that sounds like a very painful situation for you. i am very sorry you are in pain and anguish and osession.
    there is series of posts on rori’s blog here called the power and self esteem posts. read through them and also the comments section so you can see other women on the site doing the exercises and rori tweaking them to get the best results. you will then have tools to Prcoess and Release your feelings in a constructive and empowering way rather than keeping them all swirling inside you which leads to obsession.

    once you get a handle on yourself you can get a start on rori’s ebook will which give you the foundation to Turn Away from this man who is sucking up all your energy and you can begin a new life for yourself.

    xoxo. you are not alone. xoxo.

    Saturday, 20 December 2008 @ 8:15pm

  43. 43: nirNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, Rori, for this post… I have someone that I just need to take with me. A couple someones, actually.

    Friday, 26 December 2008 @ 11:24am

  44. 44: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Paula

    I read your posts here. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. Barganing, not fully accepting the reality. Hoping that things will change and he will see how wonderful and valuable you are, miss you, want you back etc, etc etc. I have been dealing with the same thing.

    Do yourself a favor. Dont read that stuff anymore. DONT. Delete it burn it whatever it takes. The woman he is sharing his emotional life with right now thinks she has something special and real but you know differently. He did not share things with you because if he did there would be accountibility required of him. He would have to put his money where is mouth was so to speak. It seems so many men as he has chosen to wallow in the world of women instead of concentrating on being a loving and dedicated partner…. and as you can deduct… has honed in on one that feels safe because she is married and unavailable. He gets all kinds of perks this way. No real strings, a place to come and go as he pleases with no commitments, he can say and do whatever he wants when he feels like it and stop when he doesnt anymore. She is needy and will swallow and believe anything he says, she is grateful for his attention… he can be her knight in shining armor, can rescue her from her sad state…, be her safe place… etc etc yet all the while you know the truth. He is and will be none of those things for her. I feel sad for her and pity for him and really happy for you that you know the truth about it all now.

    Do yourself a favor.. look at what you want in a relationship. Is honesty and being trustworthy at the top? If it isnt take a hard look at why deep within yourself. Kick this man off your horse, dont talk or listen to him, and hardest of all dont invest anymore energy into him of any kind. It is hard thing to do when all you wanted, you thought you found and all you wanted to do is “to do life” with the man you love.

    I was recently dropped by the man I was with for 2 years. I thought he was made special order for me. We lived together, there was nothing we did not share. He told me I was his best friend, nurtured me, his actions supported his words. I never thought I would read the words he texted me a month ago… I love you as a dear friend but am not “in love with you” sorry to have hurt you.! He gave himself permission to bail because was not “feeling in love” with me anymore. I know our feelings are important and are often barometers for us. but…. Bottom line is… things are not going to work out between two people when oneof the two is not committed to investing into the relationship emotionally. That is the case with your situation and mine as well. The man I dearly love, I recently found out, had been contacting other woman online for a year all the while giving me every indication that he was going to be with me forever! I am still dealing with the rubble in my own life.

    Paula who are you at your core? What do you want in your life? Who of us can add one second to our lives by worring or being anxious about things that are out of our control? HONESTLY, If he were back in your life would you trust him and not look over your shoulder or wonder about his stability in your future? These and other questions are only things you can ask and answer. These and other questions are things I have had to look at myself.

    This is something I have done and if helps you then use it if not then forget you ever read it. Admit your feelings and own them. Look at all the things in your life that have made you who you are today, the good, the bad and the ugly… and embrace them because these are your “Grace points now”. I pray and I give all these hopes and wishes and realities leave them with God because this is all too much for me to carry. I have left the future to him too.

    We know our past, standing still in the present, will get you more of the same, and the future is yet to unfold. Lets get on that horse and ride.

    Linda

    Sunday, 28 December 2008 @ 1:03pm

  45. 45: PaulaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much for your words Linda. I wish you healing too.
    Of course I could not trust him if we were together again. Now I know that he was emailing and chatting to women from our bed while I was in it. I did not suspect a thing. It will take me some time to trust a man again. And yes, I want honesty and trust in a relationship but I need to not be so naive again. I am making a new start in my life. The good news is that I am getting bored with reading his emails. He uses the same lines on all his women. Even his ex before me who was supposedly the love of his life! He was cheating on her too…..

    I dont quite get the horse image but maybe it is because I am not American.

    Blessings and love

    Paula

    Tuesday, 6 January 2009 @ 7:03am

  46. 46: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Paula

    I am trying to start again too. Some days are easier than others. I have a great suspicion that my guy has the same MO for all the women he has inflicted himself on. Just know this. What you do to others will come back on you. I hope that it hurts them real bad too!. The fellow I was loving had a book by his bed. I looked at it with his permission. It was kind of a poetic written style book. I recognized the style and some of the wording as the same that he had written me. What a smooth operator. Not even orginal stuff. He potraits himself as a misunderstood, overlooked, love and sexually starved man. Every woman he talked to me about was “manipulative and controlling” I am sure that he refers to me to his new conquest like that too. The sad thing is that I see under all his addiction to wallowing in women, he is so unhappy. His children dont want anything to do with him and ignore him. He was so loving to me then turned like an ice cold, hard hearted person. He told me he was a safe place, that I could lean into his strength, he would never reject me ever!. Sheesh none of that was true. Maybe those are things he wants to be but can only pretend at being for a while. So… if you run across a silver tongned man that gives you lines like that. RUN! lol he is a liar and a cheat and you dont want to be a nother notch on his belt. I had a dream that I talked to a new woman in his life.. she and he were engaged!. It felt like a nightmare because I stupidly wish he would be all the things he and I had together in the beginning and come back. “all fixed up and repentant etc” Well a girl can dream, He did teach me what I want in a relationship so I will search when I am up to it. Now I am learning to be on my own.. happiness may come later right now it is hard.

    The horse… is a picture of american independance from the west. Years ago it was a huge crime to steal a mans horse because it represented his livleyhood and ability to better himself etc. Guess it is a picture of that.

    Reguardless thanks for letting me know you are moving on and are not being cheated on anylonger.

    Linda

    Wednesday, 7 January 2009 @ 5:04am

  47. 47: MeganNo Gravatar says:

    I doubt that anyone will see this but I just feel the need to wriiiiteee.

    i feel scared. i feel I will be judged. I have no reason to feel this way, except for my own insecurity, but I feel like I annoy everyone on here and no one likes me.
    squeeky voice is squeeking and it feels squeeky.
    i feel that i am about to start rambling but I feel really alone.
    i feel like everyone has forgotten about me.

    i read these posts to try and feel better and to find what I need to hear/be reminded of and it’s funny-
    I am being adventurous, I have placed myself in completely new surroundings with new people and it is exciting but right now it is stressful.
    I am literally halfway across the world and I still find myself re-playing the tapes.

    a part of me feels that if I don’t pay them attn then i will not learn from it?
    my brain wants me to be in my brain about it.
    i am obsessed with trying to figure out what happened.
    I feel like “how will we really learn what we are supposed to learn by turning our backs to it and essentially ignoring it?”

    i feel confused. i feel very confused and very conflicted and very much filled with angst.

    we are supposed to feel our feelings but also not to entertain bad thoughts which lead us into the quagmire. so are we not to entertain our feelings which seem to take us down that path?
    maybe i misunderstood.

    the truth is i feel so alone and I yearn so much for female companionship and warmth and love and sisterhood.
    I love all you women and wish I had you all in person to hug but often I stop myself from posting b/c I feel like a whiny baby.

    squeek squeek. i feel very squeeky right now doing this.
    I feel tomorrow and after I log off I will feel embarassed for saying all this.

    I feel rejection BIG TIME.
    not just from him.
    big time from him but also from almost everyone else that was in my life at that time.

    i feel like it is all a nightmare that one day I will wake up and live in the REAL world instead of this crazy alternate universe where everything is backwards and upside down and people that cheat and lie and use people are placed on pedastals and loved by all and the good people are tossed aside.
    why is everyone so selfish??

    i feel really silly and insecure.

    Sunday, 12 September 2010 @ 3:04am

  48. 48: AmberSNo Gravatar says:

    Megan,

    Props to your squeaky voice. And to you for being brave. The last paragraph makes me want to do a headstand with you. Can we be upside-down see things from there together?

    Sometimes rejection from a group means that you are ready to move to the next place. Sometimes you move forward while everyone around you stands still. Sometimes you become a gypsy moth and the caterpillars have nothing in common with you anymore. Not only that- they are terrified because you are HUGE and have WINGS!

    I love the safety of this blog. I love the companionship of these women who are sharing their journey. A month ago I hadn’t posted, ever. These women, this blog, accepted me without question. They have helped me so much. Women have been scary to me in the past, particularly groups of women.

    When I find myself in that place here, where I feel scared or ignored or slighted or just invisible I try to listen at level 2, and I find a connection. And someone opens their arms, or their heart, and I am healed.

    The past is full of amazing lessons and truth, like history books. But until I can be here now, fully present and alive, those lessons are useless to me because my life is ticking by while I am lost in the past.

    I don’t know where around half the world you are, but for me, right now, you are right here.

    Sending you hugs, props, and a double scoop ice cream.

    What’s your favorite flavor?

    Wednesday, 15 September 2010 @ 8:40pm

  49. 49: MeganNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you soo much AmberS!!
    thank you, thank you, thank you!

    BIG hug to you as well :)

    I have just left a REALLY hard time in my life, where everything seemed to fall apart – and am still sorting out what happened to the “friends” I had made over the past 3 yrs – and how they all seemed to rear their ugly sides one by one- to seemingly me and me ONLY- as they all still get along.

    I also interpreted the turn of events as God, or the universe, or whoever, pushing me out of town.
    But now I miss what was and am jealous of those who can return to it without the icky feelings I would face :(

    I LOVE what you said about the gypsy moth and the caterpillars – beautiful and warming :)

    the whole thing has taken a toll on my self-esteem:
    another time in my life, when I didn’t fit in, my aunt said to me: “You had issues with the girls (there) and now you’re having issues with the girls here – maybe it’s not them – maybe it’s you”
    those girls really WERE crappy but now her words are resonanting with my NV.
    why is it always me??

    I do love the safety of this blog as well – it’s EVERYTHING at a time like this,
    and I am in New Zealand ;)

    back to my headstands…
    XXOOO

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 10:13pm

  50. 50: MeganNo Gravatar says:

    and you are SO RIGHT about being stuck in the past.
    this is me, spot on, right now.
    need to write that down ; )

    Monday, 20 September 2010 @ 10:15pm

  51. 51: ChrissyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow !!! That’s the first time I’ve read anything at all that really seems to help.
    I feel in love 3 yrs ago. He left me after 3 short months to go “back” to his wife. He told me to stay w/ my husband too.
    Even though I did, I still can’t get over him.

    To keep him with me is the best thing I’ve ever read, since I can’t let him go,anyway…..( yet ! )
    This article gives me hope.

    Monday, 14 March 2011 @ 12:49pm

  52. 52: NicoleNo Gravatar says:

    I am really hurting right now. I am an attractive 60 year old (in fact, my ex-coworker called me his “cougar”) even though he was older than me.
    I also am married! It is not the first time male coworkers admired me and I was honest with my spouse about what was going on. For over a year two males where I had worked showed interest in me; one was like a psychic who could “read” me and said very interesting things (however, he was touchy/feely and even held my hand at times telling me how soft my skin was). The other guy was/is a real player…sexy, highly intelligent and with high status and power (albeit down-to-earth to talk to), although much of his talk was borderline “smut” to sexually charged. He kept the tension going in my work relationship with him…until he found me with the “other” guy holding my hand. Then he became jealous and abused me (told me I was nothing “special or unique”) even though I thought I was. He then starting flirting with my female coworker who loved every minute of it and used it to her advantage. I think she always secretly wanted him and was bowled over by his attention. She started to wear her hair just like mine…color and all.
    NOW: I may be 60 and went through all this before on several occasions….but it hurts. In fact, I quit my job…as a state worker! I will not even become vested in the state system. It affected my work to the point where I could no longer perform!

    Question: “player” guy could be “soft” at times. He told me he missed one day when I was out. He asked me if was coming back one day when I left the front door for lunch. He acted like he wanted to bring me to his special place in another state and wine/dine me. Mr. “Other Guy” was/is married to a much younger woman but was clearly attracted and drawn to me.
    PROBLEM: I am suffering from a broken heart; losing my job, my sanity, these two men…and “Player” guy is pulling at my heart strings. I am just sick about it. Help me, please.

    Wednesday, 21 December 2011 @ 10:44am

  53. 53: PattyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow.. its nice to have stumbled upon this site.

    Back in 2006, I was sent to another country for work and met the someone who fit this description almost perfectly – My best friend, partner in crime, and lover. It was amazing while it lasted but I had to go back to my country.

    We stayed in touch and were really great friends still. Until, after TWO years, I had to go back to that country. When we saw each other, it was as if I never left.

    We tried to do a long distance thing but it didn’t work. I tried moving to his country but it didn’t work out. He couldn’t leave because of his business. After a few months, we broke up but still stayed friends which drove me crazy.

    Last year, I couldn’t take it anymore… I cut all communications with him because i wanted to move on.

    And here I am.. with someone new.. but still thinking of him. *Sigh*

    Sunday, 29 April 2012 @ 4:36am

  54. 54: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I have recently had to leave behind what I took as my first true love and at 44 years old, Yes it happens later for some people.

    Anyhow it was so intense the pain, but amazinglty after one night of the worst pains ever and 4 days of napping I felt so much better and like I just know who I am more than ever in my life.

    There was no closure with him and I am okay with that, I have a brighter future with or without him as a possiblity, This was a 4 year online best freind that had too many secrets, yet on the other was a freind for much of the time regaurdless.

    He is confussed right now, and at least I see that, I was confussed for most of our freindship.

    Were both I think really good ppeople that had been raised maybe wrong, and around wrong influences.

    But he brought me closer and closer to me, and finally in having to leave even closer still.

    I will miss him a lot in ways, and in other ways no, the longing and mystery I cannot miss those.

    Hopefully we will both be able to live better lives for having known eachother, and me letting him go is really the best thing to do for him as well.

    If he is some meant to be soul mate then it can be up to him to persue me if and when he is ready, If not then he was a soulmate for a period of time only.

    Longing forever is painful, do things, improve your life, hang on to what was good, let go of what was in the way and go on.

    If you love him, really love him, that is what you would do.

    Saturday, 27 October 2012 @ 5:09pm

  55. 55: cNo Gravatar says:

    I still want him..

    Friday, 14 December 2012 @ 6:18pm

  56. 56: Ann MarieNo Gravatar says:

    I am going thru a heartache right now. I’m a country girl who rides horses. So this way of explaining I hope will help. I just can’t get over him. I thought we where going to get married. He was my soulmate. But fighting and disrespecting got out of hand. I still love him and want him back.

    Wednesday, 27 February 2013 @ 7:00pm

  57. 57: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome, Ann Marie, and if you’re a true country girl, you have a huge ability to accept “What Is” – how things are in nature, and what happens simply happens. This translates to: He can’t be your soulmate if he isn’t with you. Not possible. Therefore, you were mistaken – which is nothing wrong, just a simple assumption that led to conflict and pain. The way to go next is to never assume anything, to learn to communicate without fighting, and never, ever fall into disrespecting. You can DO this! Please Circular Date, no matter how many men there are in your town – get to a bigger city if you can, and let men fight over YOU. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 27 February 2013 @ 7:53pm

  58. 58: Sabi DanielsNo Gravatar says:

    I had to break up with my boyfriend four months ago because during the relationship I found myself vulnerable and weak around him. I’d cry just as much as I would laugh and I quickly grew emotionally unstable. I broke it off when I started talking to someone new that made me happy. After two months we started dating… and this Thursday we’ll make a month. What I’m trying to say here is that I’m not over my ex… even though I can’t be with him because of the pain, I still truly love him and can’t help my eyes from watering everytime I imagine his smile. I deeply care for my boyfriend, I’m not only doing this for him. I want a chance to actually be happy and forget about my ex. My boyfriend makes the pain go away, but only when I’m with him. Please help…I don’t know what to do.

    Sunday, 10 March 2013 @ 6:26pm

  59. 59: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sabi, you did GREAT!!! Pain is part of life – and so is joy – so choose the joy thoughts. You being emotionally unstable is NOT AN OPTION!! Work on getting yourself to a place where you feel good regardless of any man in your life. Men are supposed to add and enrich and support – not drag us down. Love, Rori

    Monday, 11 March 2013 @ 3:43pm

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