If You Make More Money Than He Does

Here’s an issue I hear about all the time, and it’s very, very challenging, so let’s go into it.

“Rori, This is a tough one for me because I make more than twice as much money than my boyfriend. Yes, I said boyfriend. He practically begged me to be his girlfriend about a year ago and I finally said yes. Now, he works too much and spends less time with me so I’m thinking about trying circular dating. I let him take me out on a nice date occasionally where he pays. I know it makes him feel good and I try not to feel bad about it.

The bigger issue is that I wonder how we will ever integrate our lives. I’m not sure I want to be married again. I have a young daughter so I have to consider her. I also have a nice house. He lives in a very small, not so nice apartment. My mortgage is 5 times his rent. Plus his utilities are included in his rent.

I often buy groceries and we make meals together. He buys a few from time to time but I keep my kitchen pretty well stocked so most of it comes from my pocket.

Is this okay? If we ever got married will he ever be able to feel like he can provide for me? I’m not even sure how comfortable I would feel paying most of the bills. I wouldn’t want to put his name on the house either since I would be continuing to pay for most of it. I sometimes wonder if he works so much to try and make up for it.

He doesn’t get paid for his extra hours though. He did earn a promotion but what he makes is still not worth the hours he puts in. I’m not sure how to tell him that what I need is his time, not his money. At the same time I’m not sure how things will work this way. Does anyone have any advice about the money difference? Also, if I decide I don’t want to get married again, but want to keep him committed to me, should I still circular date? I’ve tried some of the other things you suggest such as not calling him as much and this has helped him to call me more like he used to.”

Here’s my answer:

We women are surviving the economy so much better than men, and we seem to have an entrepreneurial spirit that’s really amazing.

A relationship and marriage with this man would be the way it is now. You earn the money, he provides the fun, takes care of the house, does the laundry, perhaps starts a new business for himself so he doesn’t have to put in long hours at a dead-end job.

This is doable.

It’s harder to define the masculine and feminine energies when you’re the wage-earner, but it can be done. Meryl Streep and her sculptor husband have been doing it for a very long time successfully – there are many couples where the woman is a star – think of Julia Roberts and Charlene Theron and Halle Berry – so many…. The trick is in switching hats in the “relationship.”

YOU have to decide if you want him and this kind of relationship, and then you have to sit down with him and talk about it. Just talking about it will be challenging, and the way that unfolds will give you a better idea of what kind of partnership you two can have.

Remember Miranda in “Sex and the City” – and her boyfriend-now-husband Steve, who’s a bartender?

Miranda makes likely 10 times what Steve makes.  The thing is – SHE doesn’t really care!  She’s happy to pay for things and even buy him things – she LIKES her success and what she gets to do with it.

The problem is – HE doesn’t like it.

Miranda’s already a primarily masculine energy woman in terms of wanting to “control” things in the relationship and keeping her emotions under wraps – though what we see is her doing a really great job of damping that down and going with the flow. Except… (this is a show, so we need drama here…) sometimes. And it all doesn’t feel right to him.  He’s torn.  And it looks as though the only way this could work is if they live on HIS salary – at HIS level so he doesn’t feel “less like a man.” – and that CAN’T work.

Miranda asks,  “Am I being punished for my success?”  And the answer is “NO.”

Of course, in the show – it all works out – because they can do  this one thing really well: They can TALK to each other. And in real life, we can do that too – talk.  Speak the truth. Things work when people tell the truth, and things work when we women tell the truth about our feelings.

I often talk to successful women whose “boyfriends” drive trucks and make very little money – and it works!!!

If he makes you feel like a girl all the time…it works!

So let THAT be your guide, and not the way it looks on paper.

Love, Rori

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206 Comments to “If You Make More Money Than He Does”

  1. 1: Randy PenaNo Gravatar says:

    Can you tell me who did your layout? I’ve been looking for one kind of like yours. Thank you.

    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 4:01pm

  2. 2: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh gosh i feel shaky and unsure.

    more about how this works…

    i feel scared

    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 4:03pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    the money comes thru me like anohter goddess energy i spout? and then he provides the manly side?

    hmm feels so scary and teetering

    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 4:03pm

  4. 4: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    This topis is one of the most important things I am asking me in this period. It is true, the man wants to be the man, he wants to be stronger than the woman, he wants to take care of his lady. With the successful ladies it is a problem for him. An example, my goddess girlfriend is divorced with her husband because of his super not manly behaviour.She had to be the provider in their family because her father died, her husband had health issues, and her son had the same heart problems.
    So this goddess super sexy lady had to stand up and to work. She opened 3 super glamourous fashion shops and they are super successful. She was always a caring woman, very respectful to her husband and her family. She had to provide for the family because no man in her family could do it. So she got successful. And her husband?

    She discovered that he took HER money and bought jewellery, diamond rings for other girls.

    So is the story of my girlfriend, the true one.

    In my personal story, I wrote in some posts about it. The men when they know about my achievements, because I am successful in my job, they start to COMPLAIN, to look for my support, to tell me that i can provide for myself as I am strong, so that I can do it. I hate these men and these topics when they start seeing me like a “working horse” who work.They take care of the women who do not work, do not do anything in life, and for my success it is their problem.

    But the most funny thing that when I left these people, they ALL look for me, because I gave them life, I gave them joie-de vivre, and they miss it when they are not with me.

    I do not support weak men, the men who do not want to work, to have their ambitions, because I see them like lazy people.

    So this topic Rori started is very important to me.
    Because I am tired of being taken advantage of because of my success.. I had to succeed because I had no other choice in life. I had to survive and I worked, when other people slept.

    I provided for my family and at age of 22 I bought a country house with land for my family, I was a provider of my whole family.
    So I had to do it.
    And after that I had problems with men.

    So I won’t tell any man about my success. Because I do not want to be a man in relationship.

    I feel angry about these people who do not appreciate the cost of success and want to take advantage of me and my work.

    Thank you Rori,

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:38am

  5. 5: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I want success without cost. I want to sleep and be successful.

    Thank you angels. my sleep is sooo important to me. i feel sad and triggered. i feel scared of not being able to sleep and hurtingmyself and making myself sick. i feel a lil stuck.

    Soignee – is it possible that there are men out there who will not look at you this way? i think so.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:46am

  6. 6: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel worried that by being so adamant about my sleep i am hurting myself in other ways. i do not want to compromise. i don’t believe in compromise.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:47am

  7. 7: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel jealous. i wish i were successful. i AM successful at being me.

    i feel sad

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:48am

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wow Immature ass Ray J picked Mz Berry for his woman.

    she was really lean back and also truthful, clear about her emotions, and kept him to a high level… she made him work for her! and he picked her wow!

    he said she made him feel stuff he never did before
    and connected with the man he Wanted to be

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:58am

  9. 9: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so judgemental of my voice on here right now. i feel really insecure. like im drowning everyone out in screams of daria. daria daria.

    i love myself and feeling like ima taint.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:34am

  10. 10: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Soignee,

    Oooooh. Your girlfriend’s story is so tragic. Jewelry and diamond rings for other women! How terrible!

    And your story is so admirable. At 22 you bought a country house and some land for your family! That’s so amazing! When I was 22 I had been married a year and was still in school. I’m intrigued by your success! And sad that it’s given you problems with men.

    I received some money in my divorce, and sold my house in order to look less successful, just for the purpose of dating, but while that was happening, I lost a lot in the recession. So now the downsized version is the true reflection of where I am financially. And that’s okay. But sometimes realtors need to look successful in order to be successful, so I am struggling with how I want to accomplish that. I’ve decided to stay where I am, keep my car and everything just as it is, and ask God to direct me.

    One of the groups in Thailand that we met went up to the alter of the church with baskets of their first fruits and offered them to God. There were potatoes, onions, rice, pineapples, mangos and other fruits and veggies that I didn’t recognize. I was impressed by their giving! I want to do that, too!

    It will be interesting to see what happens.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:05am

  11. 11: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hello Daria,

    i feel that way sometimes, too. like i’ve said too much.
    but you’ve helped me a lot with speeches and with being able to see how Rori’s program works. it’s like you’re very clear about it, and that really helps.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:09am

  12. 12: maryNo Gravatar says:

    I know a guy who is married to a hugely successful woman. He’s a creative guy, and for a while, he had an amazing business doing audio-visual productions for corporate events. He lost some big clients though, and hasn’t been able to get more, probably because of the recession.

    It’s been very hard for him to be less successful. To serve the family, he’s taken on a lot of the typically female roles – driving the kids, shopping for groceries, cooking, etc., but it’s taken a toll on him. He’d really like to be the provider.

    I know it can be done, though, as Rori suggests! But it’s a delicate situation. It seems like the man must have a lot of self esteem to be able to deal with an extremely successful woman, if he has not had as much success.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:40am

  13. 13: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I see life working out in all scenarios.

    Honor and pride come into play. Also, traditional role modeling too.

    Things are not like they used to be when our parents were younger. The way that our ecomony and world is going right now does not really lend itself to supporting the traditional mindsets of the past. A man who has had a great job for years, might suddenly have pink slip because of todays economy and thru no fault of his own.

    For me it is not about who made or provides the money. It is about that it is there. For me it is not about traditional roles, but about two people honoring the other as a person, their talents, hearts and dreams. If there is love between the two and it is important, we can be creative, go against traditional guides and make it work.

    FOr me, having my own house, proving to myself I can provide for me was a huge huge accomplishment. This has empowered me on the inside. IT has made me confident. Gaining these things opens me up to share that strength. A man with less is not disqualified. The thing that disqualifies him in my book is that he does not invest his heart into me. He would not have to give me Money… but would HAVE to give me his heart.

    Linda

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 4:14am

  14. 14: maryNo Gravatar says:

    how is this for a speech?

    R – When we were talking about the visit to see my kids later this month, and you were saying that you just “couldn’t win,” I FELT like I was losing, too. I’ve been in a relationship where my kids were a point of contention, and I just DON’T WANT it to be that way again. Yes! I have things to do! I’ll always be busy and have things to do. But when they need me, I like to be there for them. I live far away and I miss them. I DON’T WANT them to feel like I don’t love them! And I DON’T WANT you to feel like I don’t love you, either! What do you think?

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 5:35am

  15. 15: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    No time but really, really want to read the comments on this one….

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 6:11am

  16. 16: AdrianaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,

    I just want to share that this did not work out for me. I know it can work for some people, particularly those who can communicate well, but I was not able to make it work.

    I was married, the first time, to a man who made less money than I did. It was fine-enough when we were just having fun as a young couple, with no children. We talked then about how we would raise our kids, if we had kids, and I made it clear I did not want other people to raise our kids – I wanted it to be one of us. He agreed at the time, but later when our daughter came on the scene, he reneged. He said he didn’t want to stay home with her (I guess it was ‘unmanly’), and he didn’t want *me* to do so either, because he didn’t like the idea of living at the level we would have to live at for him to support the family. He wanted “the little extras” instead. So, I should keep working.

    This was a huge problem for me, and the beginning of a lot of problems in the relationship. It became clear that he did not care how I felt or what I wanted, and eventually we divorced.

    Now, I am engaged to a new man who is wonderfully attentive to my feelings. Its easier for us, though – because he is older than me, established in his career, and earns a lot of money. I have given up my old career and am going back to school for a career change, and we agree that my primary goal will be family first – our new family.

    This feels good to both of us, and I am able to take care of the things that are most important to me. I did not have that freedom before. In the eyes of the world, I am less successful now, I suppose. Truly, I couldn’t care less! :-)

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 6:57am

  17. 17: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    (Hi Mercedes!!XOXOXO)

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:39am

  18. 18: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello sirens,
    I was recently getting to know a man with a significantly lower social and economic status than myself. I have always attracted men who I have needed to take care of in some way or another and usually financially. I was really trying to get out of that mode, but I decided to give this man a try anyway. At first, it was great, we connected, and I felt so comfortable and at ease with him and able to be authentic and practice all the tools. I was able to lean back and practice receiving. However, I noticed that I felt guilty about receiving from this man who makes so much less than I do. It makes me uncomfortable. It brings up a lot of old stuff and patterns. So I felt proud of myself for not giving in to old habits such as offering to pay or anything despite my feeling guilty and uncomfortable, and sticking with my boundaries. I explored, and experimented, and now I have a new rule for myself. I don’t feel comfortable dating men who don’t make around the same amount or more than me because I want to feel comfortable when leaning back, and not guilty, and I want to feel like someone is taking care of me and that I don’t owe him something. That man ended up pulling away and I don’t know why but he was engaging in some manipulative behavior and it looks like he may be a bit dramatic so it’s probably for the best. But the experience allowed me to learn something new about myself and allowed me to create a new boundary and rule for myself so that I can be comfortable. (Before I would have felt guilty for not giving someone a chance based on something “superficial” or would have felt like I’m being a “gold digger” or something… but now that I know *why* this is not OK with me, I have the strength to say “no, thank you” to someone who may be perfectly nice but who I know will ultimately invoke bad, uncomfortable feelings in me.)

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 8:50am

  19. 19: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Mary, thank you Daria,

    dear Sirens,

    it is the very very truth, proved several times by myself that a strong woman needs a stronger man. It is true!!!!!!!!!1

    In my personal life I had different examples of men who would take care of women who did not work, and as soon as they saw me working and telling about my successes, they got lazier about providing.
    What I will tell next time to a man. I will be an absolute leaning back girl, I will listen to him (without suggestions), I will be soft and feminine. And I won’t tell him about my work. It is not the topic I will tell him about. It is out off my personal life.

    Dear Callista, the woman who does not ask, is a man!!!! I wrote about it several times in posts. It is the view of a man.

    Dear Ladies, if you want your men to take care of you, THEY HAVE TO PROVIDE FOR YOU. They have to invest in you, time, money, energy, care, kindness etc. The lady needs a goddess, women, feminine energy. The guy has to feel stronger than the woman.

    Or if you provide for you and your man, he will take you for granted, he will be comfortable and sure he will have another woman to take care of.!!!!! The men who love stronger women are the LAZY MEN, who want to be lazy in life, do not provide for anyone!!!!

    Please Ladies, do not allow the men to take advantage of you. They will tell you th stupid things about why they do not want to pay for you, because they do not want you do be “gold diggers” etc. Please do not trust these b..sh..t!!!! Becasue these are the excuses!!! They can take care of you, when they want. They will always pay and provide for youwhen you want. Do not allow them you to do provide for them!!!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 9:28am

  20. 20: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Soignée,
    I feel confused… what do you mean by: “the woman who does not ask, is a man!!!! I wrote about it several times in posts. It is the view of a man.” Since you addressed it to me, I’m not sure if you are saying I am being a man, or if you are referring to the man I was talking about… Please explain what you meant. Thanks.
    Callista

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 9:49am

  21. 21: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Callista – another thing that popped up for me is that maybe instead of creating a boundary there, there is a chance to unravel and heal those feelings that you have of guilt receiving…

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:52am

  22. 22: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Callista – this is just a guess i’m not Soignee, but I have heard her say this before with passion. I don’t think she was addressing your post specifically.

    Soignee… you are right on about men providing, but I feel concerned about this “not talking at all” about what you do. I see you are all tightened up about this and you don’t have to be… even if past experiences turned out a certain way… it doesn’t have to be this way… Do Not Hide yourself dear Goddess…

    a True Man will honor you without your hiding your shine and power from him.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:56am

  23. 23: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Adriana, Thank you so much for your story, and I’m so happy for you that you’ve found what you want. It’s SO helpful to be absolutely clear on your priorities…and then the man shows up! Love, Rori

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:47am

  24. 24: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Randy – I know this is spam and you don’t really mean it – but I did this layout myself, with my genius webmaster’s help – long ago – and I think I’m due for an update, without changing the look too much…thank you again to all you goddesses for bearing with me in my experimenting…Love, Rori

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:52am

  25. 25: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Adriana!!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:54am

  26. 26: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hey Daria… let me know about the eBook! not sure how to pay you. or… i can just buy one myself. whatever is easier!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:06pm

  27. 27: maryNo Gravatar says:

    soignee,

    i was also confused about what you meant by this: “the woman who does not ask, is a man!!!! I wrote about it several times in posts. It is the view of a man.”

    i used to read this very clever book called Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin. It was a manual on what to do when with men, and basically it stated over and over that men love to provide for women. In return they need to be admired. The providing was the thing that made them love and cherish the woman.

    It made sense to me. Eric Fromm, in his book The Art of Loving, said that you love that which you nurture.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:10pm

  28. 28: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary – you can pay me thru paypal.

    write me at

    magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com and I will give you my paypal address there.

    The book is turning out to be very uplifting and useful.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:27pm

  29. 29: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Soignee means to ask men for help and to do stuff for us – when we don’t ask for anything (cactus) we come off manly

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:27pm

  30. 30: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling sad.

    last nite I was thinking about this and this morning I read Rori’s e-letter about how a man is attracted to women like his mother.

    I think my ex is attracted to me because I used to be an alcoholic like his mother.

    I was thinking last night that how special I feel, that evne though I feel hateful towards him and rageful and scared at what I felt abuse from him…

    how special I feel that this man has pursued and pursued me for almost 10 years now.

    He wanted me when he knew I had another man. He continued pursuing me when I was clearly in love with this other man.

    When I was just having sex wiht me, he told me he wants more, he wants everything – i didnt know what he meant

    He’s called me and called me. He never stops. HE’s had a child and still he calls me

    He tells everyone he’s in love with me. He tells me he thinks about me. He wants to marry me though he worries I wont marry a man like him…

    I feel in a way soo smug and also special that I am loved this way, especially by a man like him who doesn’t seem to the world very loving

    From the beginnning, sexually, he wanted to please me. he always wants to please me sexually.

    sooo i was feeling sad thinking that yes in a way I want to move away from him because i feel upset about abuse and i feel angry

    and in another way, I think if he was to stop calling me and wanting me, I would feel bad, sad, very insecure about my desirability as a woman

    so im planning to hold him to a high man standard and tell him the truth, even I think you’re abusive and I want you to heal that.

    or something like that.

    because he may be the one for me

    I don’t know

    but i felt sad thinking that I would feel bad if he moved on. And i realized that his desire for me upholds my self esteem and that feels scary

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:34pm

  31. 31: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,
    Thanks, yes I am practicing receiving from all men, and I think also another place the guilt was coming from was feeling I don’t deserve better. So the boundary I created for myself is a way to work through the guilt I was feeling about saying “no” to guys who don’t measure up financially. I was feeling like, “well who am I to demand that a guy make so much money? Ok, I’ll just take anyone who comes along.” (By the way, I’m not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination – my income is rather modest!) So I will practice this boundary for a while to work through *those* feelings. Like being OK with wanting what I want, and not feeling like a snob for wanting certain things. And I definitely hear what you’re saying about working through those guilty feelings about receiving from someone less well off, but maybe I’ll just work on these ones first… what do you think?

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:38pm

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    tweaked from:

    ““If he loves me, he’ll know that I need more than the time we can have together right now, and he wouldn’t want me to wait for him without a real commitment”

    ***

    If he loves me, he’ll know that I need more care we than I have right now, and he wouldn’t want me to be with him without feeling safe

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:39pm

  33. 33: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Callista – wow! I think that’s awesome!!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:39pm

  34. 34: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Daria, that makes sense now. Actually I did ask this man for things. He helped me move a table to my friend’s place because it was too heavy. I love asking men to do things like that for me.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:40pm

  35. 35: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Callista – I can really relate to you as I used to always be attracted to men less well off… and feel guilty receiving… and I felt the “well who am i to demand that a guy make so and so much money… I’ll take whatever comes along”

    !!

    yes! and i felt both embarassed and proud of my attitude

    Now…

    what I require is to feel romantic on dates, and have guys come to me, and that in itself seems to have been attracing guys who make more money…

    I wouldn’t mind how much a guy makes as long as he can date me and romance me. but ive noticed an association between the two

    also as far as marriage, i am looking for a stable base

    which in my case means i dont want someone who will consistently periodically disappear to jail, or etc, i want to feel safe and comfortable

    so this is what i plan to hold my guys up to, and i hope it heals their lives as well

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:44pm

  36. 36: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, wow. I need to somehow figure out how to get the eLetters. Rori, can you please help!

    I’d love to read that about the man drifting away. And about men who choose women like their mother!

    Your staff does not know how to get the eLetters to me. I’ve signed up for them many times! Not sure why I can’t get them, but is there another way to access them? Could you make a blog of your eLetters?

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:48pm

  37. 37: maryNo Gravatar says:

    a requirement for me in a man is that he knows how to get around in the world. and that includes a measure of personal success. i’m just not attracted to men who are floundering around at my age. or artistic types who can’t be on time. or guys who never read. or men who think i should pay. or who have feminine energy.

    i am attracted to guys who seem like like they’re together. something about a guy who knows how to make plans, asks me on a date ahead of time, knows where he wants to take me, etc., peaks my interest. i just can’t hold an interest for a person who isn’t with it. it’s not that i think i’m better! it’s not that i look down on these other type of guys! not at all! i just don’t think they’re for me. it isn’t even personal. i know what i like.

    and i like a man with a plan and a way to implement that plan.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:56pm

  38. 38: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Callista, dear Mary, dear Daria,

    sorry maybe I did not express myself properly because English is not my mother tongue, so I make a lot of mistakes.

    So I meant in this way. The opinion of the men:
    “Certainly if my girlfriend pays for me, does not ask, does everything for me, it can be a very pleasant life. And in this case, I will be very comfortable. And I will even cheat on her. Because she does everything for me, I have not to work for her. SHE does everything and I get lazy.
    The woman has to ask, to involve the man into her needs, he has to provide, he has to think of the needs of the woman. Lady has to ask, ask and ask the favours etc. (certainly in a feminine way and soft, nice, and be always appreciate.)

    Because if the woman does not ask, she is a man.” (that’s meant if the woman does not ask about her needs, she becomes like a “man” in the relationship.She has a “man” energy. The man does not feel useful”)
    This was meant ,. .

    ladies, it is true, true, true: the men when they care, let’s say, about cars, hunting, or football, or other sports, let’s say, about their hobbies, they do not care how expensive it can be, they spend a lot of money on their hobbies, a lot of time etc, they find time, money . When they have the interests in something, nothing can stop them. But often they become comfortable and they do not take care of their women like they care of their cars!!!
    If the lady allows it! I saw the true stories what the men did for the ladies they really took care of!!! They did everything, when they are interested!! They bought houses for their ladies, they gave everything, (this is only a materialistic example).They never ask her to pay, they pay-. If she needs something, he does everything to solve the problem!!

    The more the men invest in the lady (money, time, energy, love, kindness etc.), the more important she becomes for him.

    So please be goddesses and let them pay, let them provide for you.!!!!!!11

    I read the Fascinating Womanhood , too, and I agree with the author, it is a good read to follow all the goddesses.

    The woman has to be demanding, the man has to provide for her, Please watch in the real life the examples of the demanding women in your environment, and you will see that the men try to do their best and they appreciate the lady more than the lady who does not ask!!!!!!!!!!!1

    Maybe this time I expressed myself better.

    Daria, thank you for your support. But I am sure I will tell the man about my successes not at once.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:59pm

  39. 39: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria for your support.
    I mean when in future I know someone, I won’t tell him at once about my success, not at once at all. I want to be first appreciated for being a woman and afterwards for my professional success. Because I can be better at job then a lot of men. So in the romantic relationship first I will present myself like a woman, a goddess, a soft, nice creature. And listen, listen to him. Only afterwards I will tell about my work.!!!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:03pm

  40. 40: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Soignee – okay. of course most of what you say will be emotional.

    I do tell guys about my work because i want help! so i ask them for help! I can’t wait to get some! hehee

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:11pm

  41. 41: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ohhh Alanna pratt has a really good part in her book about asking … like a desperate undeserving woman, or liek a Queen… ill post it here

    “Asking For Help

    Imagine you’re at your most needy, overwhelmed, panicked place ever. From here ask for help… Notice if you don’t want to seem needy or weak, you don’t want to feel like a burden, you don’t want them to know you’ve given up. Now let that go.

    Now imagine you’re sitting in the most exquisite throne. Feel like you are a Queen, responsible to the whole Kingdom, overflowing with abundance, giving freedom of choice to all… and then you ask for help. Notice how you feel empowered, open, how you feel attractive and inviting to others to help you, how you know your Kingdom flourishes because you’ve effectively delegated. Pretty powerful stuff, yes?

    Now which do you think makes you look and feel sexier? Can you see how a man wouldn’t want to serve you in the needy place and would pass you by for another women? Can you see that in your Queen place you’ve set him up to win to help you, serve you, attend to you… and yet you are so strong, capable and confident? Being willing to ask for help from the Queen literally makes you attractive to men. AND it takes a load off you, which feels great, which makes you shine more and be even sexier!!”

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:13pm

  42. 42: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for clearing that up. Yes, I let him pay even though it was uncomfortable for me. I did not offer. (This stuff was happening internally.) And I stood up for my boundaries and was proud of myself. The first week he was really attentive, and then he started fading away although when we were together all he could talk about was how great I was and how happy he was to have met me and wanting me to stop seeing other men and future talking and the whole bit. I did not call, and he was saying I was making him chase me really hard, lol. I told him that I need a lot of attention (this was before I read somewhere that it’s better to say what you don’t want rather than what you do want and need), and he responded by disappearing for a week and then sending me a couple of very weak lame texts (that I didn’t respond to) accusing me of not speaking to him anymore. Then he sent me an email a couple weeks later saying he doesn’t know what he did that would make me not speak to him anymore but whatever it was he apologizes. So I sent him an email and told him I felt confused and that I didn’t know what he was talking about, and he said that he had tried to call me several times and I didn’t respond. So I told him the last time he called was on such and such date and that we talked… well guess what? He disappeared after that again, he didn’t step up. I recognize this as him trying to manipulate me and lay some sort of guilt trip on me for leaning back and letting him be the man, so I’m done with him anyway.

    The part that just hit me was that I stretched past my comfort zone with him and it allowed me to see that I need to work on this other area. AND setting this boundary for only dating guys with similar socioeconomic status WILL be going outside my comfort zone because it is comfortable for me to be very accepting of anyone and everything. And I felt so powerful just leaning back and saying “no” to poor (nonexistent) treatment! And saying “no” to him taking me on a guilt trip! Yayy me!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:23pm

  43. 43: maryaNo Gravatar says:

    HELLO DEAR
    I am living with a man about 5 years.I have very fast and seroius job and he is a leder in a media office.He earns good but have not had this prinsip og takeing care.So he has learned to use money.Before we came together i had invested and bouth one extra appatment than where i was living.He was very excited of that but i think it was because he thought i would sell it and use all money for us.
    When we moved together,we sold our own appartmets and bought house together.We put a budsjet for food an repair of house together.All other salary and appartment i had from before i take it alone for myself.I do not discus with him my personal økonomi.He have had some times of concouring with me as he used his money to buy thing for his son because he was sure i would not accept that.Later he has bought an appartment and is very proud of having it just for himself.But i am not afraid,i do not discuss with him about none of this but i am very clear that we have to pay for food and so.He try to punish me i think sometimes buy not pay for food or telling me that i use food money unappropiiate,maybe it is his way of feeling that he is the man of house.
    He is not so clever in banking either but he has had a girlfriend for some years ago and he send her mail and just ask do this or that because,she works in bank,friends with benefit.She does it because she feel then they have something together.
    I do not know what is right or no.But i have tried to take care of my economy and make a place where we both have to pay.
    if we one day would go from eachother and i would meet another guy i would not tel him details about how much is my salary or all investement i have.I wuld let him feel that he has almost so much as i have

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 2:14pm

  44. 44: maryNo Gravatar says:

    R and i have the same amount of money. and if we got married, we’d pool it. but we already talked about it, and he’s afraid that i would want to visit my kids more than he would like me to. it would cost a lot of money to do that, which i don’t mind spending. i need to see them; they need to see me. i live far away. i have enough money to visit. so that’s that. i don’t want to compromise.

    i think we’re at a standstill. and i’m watching as he is slowly drifting away.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:20pm

  45. 45: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Callista YAY! I really like your voice I feel strengthened and inspired by you.

    This has happened to me too! With several guys… like dman… (former sex man)… he called me a few days ago saying… ohh i guess you havent been wanting to talk to me…

    what? its been 3 weeks… i did feel weird about talking to him but he says he’s been calling. Then he says he called the day I left and 2 times after that… umm… I didn’t get those, and So what!

    Plus this is not the first time this happend. You will see!!! Saying NO to what we dont want DOES make room for guys we DO want! Lets stay open! Open feels good !

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:41pm

  46. 46: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Marya dear, your situation sounds awful… and not because of the money!

    You live together for 5 years yet he has a friend with benefits?!!

    He doesn’t buy things and you think this is because how he shows that he’s the man of the house?

    You’re planning on not being open and authentic with other men – not that you’d have to share your financial status – but I understood that you’re going to actively hide it…

    ohh this feels bad to me to read. I feel concerned for you!

    I hope Rori writes you soon!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:45pm

  47. 47: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Mary!!! Goodbye old R!!!

    hello new men and perhaps new revamped stepping up R!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 3:48pm

  48. 48: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary that sounds very frustrating. I feel furious that he doesn’t support you taking care of your kids. Ugh. I’m so glad to hear you sticking to your guns – that takes a lot of guts, and I’m sure your kids will love and respect you for it!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 4:12pm

  49. 49: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, I know you have been playing with ways to update your site. I just wanted to say that I like everything about it very much…the only thing I would change if it’s possible would be for the comments to update automatically ( instead of having to refresh the page). just my 2 cents, but i’m totally hooked either way!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 4:15pm

  50. 50: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm lm totally agree with Soignee, and she has her wonderful way of confirming, what l think its true. Especially when she says about men, who become lazy, if they dont have to move a finger. Thing is – its coded in mans DNA to provide (with prize) and if thats taken away from them, they (by their natural self) would turn that to other. Bad example of how she was workinfg and he was using her money for other ladies.
    its also funny, but its true, that if a man pays and invests for us, the more valuable we become. i liked when Soignee was pointing that out. It may sound very intriquing to some, however its definitely not. As Rori said, we are taught not to receive, but give, and in this context it should work as a very good practice in receiving instead of humbly telling “you should not have bought this….”
    instead – smile and accept it.
    i remember one date, when a guy asked me out, and we talked about all sorts of stuff, and during the conversation l just mentioned some of my favourite stuff that l loved. On the next date he made me a surprise – he bought me a present just by noticing, what l have said what was my favourites. He really did not had to do that (and l knew he was not very well financially) but he said: ” you reaction to that present was worth millions.”
    Thats nice:)
    l love that

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 4:29pm

  51. 51: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Subscribing for now. Must go to bed. I feel so much pain in my back. Ouch.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 6:41pm

  52. 52: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ohh i feel bad.

    i just talked to dman ie former sex man.

    ummm

    it was ok till the end then it sucked

    ok

    so first off… i was doing this Alanna Pratt tool of thinking with my pelvis. That is imagining that my pelvis is where my lungs heart and brain are.

    The thing is, when I do that, no matter how my body is feeling (the rest of it)… my pelvis is Chillin. Which is kinda cool and calm, just always chillin. Even now, well actually maybe it feels a lil hot and angry. But the rest of me feels very hot and angry

    ok so besides taht let me tell u

    so he calls and hes like first of all telling me about how hes trying to get a job and etc.

    cool

    then hes like saying he doesnt know what to do tointe ok cool

    hes like talking about stuff to do, and it does kinda sound fun, but i dont want to go to him, so im chillin

    cool

    then he talks about sex with another girl back in the day, ok i feel chill because im in my pelvis and amy pelvis is totally cool

    then he starts talking about the condoms we last used and how they felt and how stuff felt, ok now his chest and his tummy are hurting, now he’s getting turned on

    im feeling cool (remember im just doing my pelvis tool this whole time, so apparently my pelvis is chillin.. it is starting to get warm) otherwise i feel glad that he seems to start turning himself on when he talks to me which i feel smug and good about

    ok

    I MUST SAY I realize that it sounds horrible for him to talk about sex with other women, however we are on the friends level and i was sexperimenting with him, and this is one thing i consistently noticed about him, he will just ramble about whats going on with him and that includes whatever gets in his head including other women… in a way this feels comforting cuz it feels like hes being open… in another way it feels disappointing…

    sooo the sucky part starts now

    let me mention that he thinks of himself as a virgin and i told him man youre not a virgin. because he says he has not been with that many women. he even tells me this story about this girl at his house who liked him, and he could tell she only wanted “dick” so he kinda played stupid and ignored her

    anway… that was background

    here comes the part where i start feeling pist

    oh no wait

    before that, he says hes gonna get some money together to take the train to come see me (which would bring him somewhat close to my house) and I actually tell him he can come watch the superbowl at my house on sunday — (I don’t have superbowl plans and I want them, and I’m feeling kinda excited about my parents being out of town, but yeah… leaning forward here)

    ok

    that was earlier

    now

    i said ive been feeling like i dont want to do it with you .. he said why.. i said cuz sometimes like the way we do it it rubs on where my pee comes out and i feel irritated and then i get a bladder infection

    so he says well you can just say stop i say well yeah but then we’ll do it again and it will feel that way again and then he says no stop means stop that means we’ll stop all the way

    alright

    then

    he says… oh yeah and i felt stupid after what i did (sexually last time). (he went down on me for like 3 seconds — he seems like he doesnt really go down on women too much, a lil bit prude)

    so i was like huh? you felt stupid about what

    so now he starts saying never mind never mind and avoiding the subject, finally he says what it was, like mumbling i say what? he says never mind

    omgosh

    so i feel mad

    so im feeling mad and being quiet, he asks me if im tired, i say i feel mad
    he said am i making you feel mad i said yeah

    he said y i said well waht that hting about you feeling stupid

    now he says oh i didnt feel stuipd i was just kidding, i wouldnt have doen it if it felt stuipd, i mean i know u like it but i did it cuz i wanted to

    im like now i feel confused. it did not sound like he was kidding… im like well its aright to feel stupid its your right to fele whatever hes like no i was kidding im like uhh

    Then

    i’m just feeling weird and stuff and hes like im not mad

    im like alrgiht well i feel confused.

    hes like im not mad cuz you cant handle my penis (lol this feels amusing writing this now but it didnt feel amusing at the time) im not mad

    because the thing is ive been feeling a lil weird and self concious that it hurts doing it with him cuz it seems like its too hard or long haha although the very first time we did it it felt alright, and the thing is i think ive had sex with men with even bigger penises, so i dono… i think it may also have been the time of the month it was for me plus that i havent been having sex that often

    but i Have been feeling self conscious about that

    and also i was meaning to say something about how that doesnt feel good either which is another reason i wasnt really feeling like having sex

    ok so now i feel hella mad

    because the im not mad that you cnad take my penis thing was like… he’s saying he Is bothered by this, but he’s saying hes Not

    which feels fucking confusing, weird, and angrifying

    so i was feeeling angry and then he started having a conversation with soemone in the house and i said
    im gonna get off the phone and he said alright and i said alright

    sooooo there we go

    that felt sucky

    weird how i seem to have trouble communicating here

    what did i want to say?

    that I DO feel bothered that “i can’t handle his penis… flip to that it hurts having sex with him and I think he’s doing it too hard for me”

    and that i want a man who wants to go down on me all the time and likes it

    sooo what happend

    fucking feminine energy happend on his side

    I wish i could Say stuff when its good to say stuff.

    this is the second and third time i’ve noticed, and probably not the second and third time it’s happend… that he’ll say something not quite “nice” or what I’d like and then get all mumbly about it and say the opposite or whatever

    like he won’t say directly what he thinks

    he will be busy expressing his feelings tho

    but then when i feel upset at something, I noticed he takes it back part way

    oh yeah i forgot i accused him of being passive agressive last time i was with him

    YES SO

    ID LIKE TO BE CLEAR AND DIRECT so that I can cut thru this bullshit

    anyone have any ideas? should i do a speech? how can I be clear and direct and when.. if I talk to him again?

    I feel tight in my jaw and hot and in my solar plexus too i feel bubbly

    in my pelvis i felt a lil hot in my bladder and now i feel like peeing… and i also felt a lil hot on my kidneys, and tingly and hot on my left shoulder and arm

    and it feels kinda cool!

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:12pm

  53. 53: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh, Simply Shannon, rest now!

    Thank you Daria and Gina for the support! R ignored me all day and then called tonight, as if I’d be available. Sorry; I’m going to the film festival.

    Wow. Almost divorced man is moving forward quickly with his divorce and wants to visit on March 18th. That’s coming right up. I think I’ll say okay!

    Should I make him stay at a hotel? (I have a guest room and extra bathroom.) Oh, R is gonna be furious. I hate that.

    but I’m excited about this other man. he’s taking his 16 year old to Disneyworld. and he babysits for his son, who had a baby, once a week. a little different than the way R thinks… nice to see a different perspective.

    Yayyy Rori! Yayyy choices! Yayyy taking my power back! Yayyyy the support from this blog!

    Thank you.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:16pm

  54. 54: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm I’m feeling kinda judgemental and turned off of him for not backing up what he said and mumbling adn then doing the sideways attacky thing with the im not mad you cant handle my penis thing

    yay! im excited about feeling this way

    it’s not a dramatic turn off, but its some

    I’d like to communicate clearly. I’m sure he will call me again.

    maybe i need a speech?

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:24pm

  55. 55: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, i’m reading through your conversation and wondering if it might not work better to show him what you want, with some smiles and affirmations and good strokes, in person, with all the chemistry that goes with being there. it sounds like he wants to please you, from my angle. and it might be possible to teach him.

    every man wants to feel like he’s a sex man that no woman can resist. is there anything about him that resembles what you want that you could be truthful about conveying to him? getting some sincere, truthful compliments might give him confidence to want to work on anything you want to work on!

    okay, those are just ideas.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:27pm

  56. 56: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Mary! Theres a LOT I like about him, and I thought i did show him…

    hmm…

    I feel surprised taht it sounds to you like he wants to please me…

    to me it does seem like he wants to, but maybe is afraid he cant because I feel pain… (and I fear that he cant also)

    but also Ive todl him i like it when a man goes down on me, and well he did, even though it was only fora tiny bit lol

    but at the same time i want a LOT more… and i feel afraid he can’t give it to me, and that feels sad

    I do think I Have been complimenting him, (have I ?)

    ok well I think i’ve told him I like his penis. which I do very much like how it looks.

    And i like how he looks too. And I like how he’s strong…

    umm…

    I feel lost…

    and a confused

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:47pm

  57. 57: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe not taking his future calls is the way to go… that does sound like fun…

    i feel sad and kinda drained

    gonna eat now i bet ill be back feleing better

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:51pm

  58. 58: maryNo Gravatar says:

    well, for me… sometimes it is very steamy to lay around and not have sex… but to talk about what both of us likes. and just touch each other. that can be such an amazing experience. very intimate. and then next time, we know what we like. i’ve done that before with good results.

    it just seems like sex is a conversation that could work really well in person. what do you think?

    unless you don’t want to have it with him any more. then… maybe it is speech time.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:52pm

  59. 59: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oooooooh. R is calling again and i’m still ignoring him. feels bad. like a game. i hate it. i’d hate it if he was doing that to me.

    but…

    i don’t want to be called on friday night for friday night, and i do have plans. have to hop in the shower now! i could have been in the shower and not even heard the phone. but i did hear it.

    i feel guilty for not answering.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 7:57pm

  60. 60: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks so much Daria! I feel flattered! And thank you also, Soignée, for that comparison about men and their hobbies and how they spend on them and make time for them. It really resonated with me and tweaked my perspective a bit… Helped me to understand more! Speaking of which…

    Lately I seem to attract a lot of men who say lots of nice pretty words but don’t follow through on their actions. I feel like I’m being lied to, or that these men think I’m stupid or a fool, and it makes me feel angry, and embarrassed that they would try to make me into a fool like that (or that they think I’m that dumb!). Like how dare they say what they don’t mean. Or how dare they use words instead of stepping up and doing something to try to woo me. Words are the easy way to get whatever they want. (And they disappear when they realize they don’t work on me! And these guys also have a penchant for not listening to me or taking me seriously – I feel so unheard and unappreciated! like I don’t matter to them…) I am getting much better at taking what they say with a grain of salt, but I want to believe them! Because I believe the things they say about me myself, but why do they say them if they don’t truly believe them themselves? That makes me angry. And I don’t know what to do to stop attracting these men. I don’t know what issue it is or what vibe I’m putting out there!

    I don’t want to hear the words, I’m not interested in excuses. I’d much rather have a man *show* me how he feels rather than express it in words. In fact, if he showed me he wouldn’t need to say it. I want to believe men are honest, and saying one thing and doing another is a form of dishonesty, and expecting me to believe it when it hasn’t been shown to me is to think I’m naive, which is insulting.

    With this last man, I practiced saying my truth in feeling messages as much as possible and not worrying about or caring if I hurt him or made him angry or insulted him. (and by the way he was not hurt, or at least he said so, although he was a bit surprised) And what I got in return was this, empty words (dishonesty) and a disappearing act and an attempted blame game/guilt trip. That made me feel like he couldn’t handle me being authentic? Or that my authentic self is not good enough? I’m not sure what the message is! (It actually made me feel a little bit bad about myself, my self-esteem suffered a bit!) All I know is that I felt proud of myself for practicing the Rori Raye rules and tools.

    Whatever lesson I’m supposed to learn with this one, I wish I could hurry up and learn it so I can move on… Any insight would be appreciated…

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 8:08pm

  61. 61: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so sad….

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:09pm

  62. 62: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ok the truth is that i felt hella stupid when he went down on me too, because i hadn’t trimmed my hair and i felt uncomfortable, and because i ddint really expect it and it didnt feel that great

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:12pm

  63. 63: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel bad!!

    and i feel guilty because now im thinking that what mary said that he wants to please me,

    and ive been assuming he doesnt

    ive been meaning to say i want a man who wants to please me… because i dont think he is totally about that

    but he probalby is but doesnt all the way know how

    i dont think 100% tho

    oh it feels so convoluted what the hell

    thsi feels confusing

    and i was listenting to a sad song and started crying

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:16pm

  64. 64: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thinking wise:

    i think he’s kind of a boy man… always talking about his feelings and hell just ranodmly say whatever including stuff about other girls

    but if i start to casually talk about other guys he starts trying to change the subject or get upset and then he kinda mostly says no to being upset, or does what he did which is take stuff back but then say something else kinda agressive

    so the question is:

    why am I “with” him? seeing him?

    i feel Bad For Him! like i don’t want to hurt his feelings… umm ok…

    thats cool I love myself .

    I feel safe with him because it feels easy to connect on a outer friend level that I’m used to from my guy friends

    I can Feel like a good heart feeling from him

    mmm

    so why am I “with” him?

    he calls me.

    I feel afraid to feel rejected if i reject him and he gets mad and then he’ll might say something mean to me and I’ll feel bad and I dont’ want that

    I feel afraid he’ll diss me and call me a slut.

    I feel afraid he’ll leave me and then I will still care for him

    I feel connected to him by caring about him and the easy friendship feeling we shared… I trust him not to steal from me, lie to me, hurt me, hit me, attack me, act a totally different way with me…

    and thats a lot of trust actually ….

    =(

    I feel sad.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:23pm

  65. 65: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont want to be hurting during sex. And I don’t want to feel guilty if I do.

    I dont want to have a man go down on me for a short time , and I dont want to feel guilty about desiring to be pleased.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:25pm

  66. 66: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    That was good.

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:26pm

  67. 67: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Everyone’s probably judging me for putting my sex life on the internet well fuck yall

    that dont even feel good to write

    boo hoo

    i feel weak

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:34pm

  68. 68: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hmm maybe this sadness isnt even mine.. maybe its the neighbors

    cuz i just thought of whether its not mind and the cloud lifted and its kinda lifted now
    wow
    i feel furrowed brow of surprise

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 10:35pm

  69. 69: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    im feeling kinda angry!

    dman is reminding me of my ex… now

    drainy feeling energy… guilt kinda

    hmm

    well at least not scary attacks!
    hehe

    thank you dman

    whats the message?

    i dont need to have sex for YOU

    whats the message?

    its ok to be forceful

    (really>?)

    whats the message?

    its ok to be mean!

    (really>?)

    whats the message?

    I Feel angry at you DMAN!

    hmmm

    fun stuff

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:26pm

  70. 70: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Dman,

    I don’t want to be your friend anymore right now.

    Sincerely,

    Dwoman

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:29pm

  71. 71: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, daria…

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:52pm

  72. 72: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – whatsup?

    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 11:54pm

  73. 73: LauraNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, this is such a common and huge issue. As for my own situation I’ve been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years with a wonderful and talented man. We are madly in love and spend enormous amounts of time together – we’ve adapted to living separately but we both would like to live together. The sticking points are first money and second, kids. He is having such trouble getting his career on track, he can barely cover his own expenses. I never discuss it with my kids but they are smart enough to know he is financially unstable and they look down on that. I got so frustrated with this situation that I left him (or tried to) last summer and got involved with another man. I didn’t love the other man but he was very suitable and very into me. My BF was devastated and I still loved him, so we got back together. Now, he is dealing with career frustrations, memories of what he views as a betrayal, and fear that he will lose me. This leaves us both insecure; he gets moody and I get angry. I am very successful and could afford to support him but it feels wrong to me. I find myself annoyed that he isn’t at least trying to help me by gassing up my car or helping with errands and such. Instead he asks me to help him with his 2 young kids and his business while I also run my own business and manage my 3 kids myself. Then, he complains that I am too busy for him and always running around instead of being present with him, and that my lack of attention prevents our relationship from moving forward which he insists he wants. This confuses me. Is it possible to love him yet expect him to pull his weight financially? If I ‘really’ loved him, would these be non-issues for me? Flip side – - if he “really” loved me, would he get his career on track and figure out how to pay for me and move our relationship forward? Something is holding us in this pattern where the situation stays the same but we are both frustrated, and I’m trying to figure out how to release it so we can decide how to handle our situation and move forward. Thoughts anyone? Rori?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:08am

  74. 74: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    booooorrrred….with the men that I know.
    When i was in highschool I did a monologue at a lot of auditions and a lot of acting classes that went like this…

    “why am i mad at men? because they are all gay. Some of them know that they are gay and they are bad enough. But a lot of them aren’t sure, so they go out with me for confirmation. i’m like their sister. Ugh – they’re like my sister!! These effing sensitive guys in their pink sweaters, smelling the flowers, ugh…it makes me want to spit.”
    And later, it says some thing like…
    “I lie in bed with my eyes clamped shut trying desperately to age some eighteen year old with a skin problem up to the requisite thirty. And then I see myself lying there in the bed, my face all scrunched up like some numbskull telepath trying to communicate with a dolphin, and I think: The faggots have done this to me!.”

    when i did this monologue, I felt so angry and bitter, but I didn’t even know what i was bitter about…and I was only 16, so I had to change the ages around to match my age. But now I’m 28, and I CAN relate to the monologue, and it feels crummy! I don’t want to be like this monologue! I don’t want to be mad at men. Another monologue I did was from Romeo And Juliet. I don’t want to be like that monologue either!! That story should have been a warning about toxic men, but somehow, it was as much of a turn on as toxic men tend to be. just noticing…

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:12am

  75. 75: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    bah humbug…

    i feel suddenly teary in my right eye and smily on my left lips thinking that dman will now always get turned on talking to me

    hahahahaa

    =D

    Goddess power…

    him and my ex are permanently intoxicated

    and i feel powerful and evil and heartbreakinggggg

    mmmjmm

    feels like what i want POWER so taht I can be

    safe UGH that does not sound sexy

    what ahppend to my magic and quicksilver

    tziganco

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:17am

  76. 76: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i like calling him dman rather than sexman

    its kinda cool becasue his actual name is dboy

    so u see ive upgraded him to dman already

    my blessing

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:19am

  77. 77: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    my next blessing will be

    no longer being his friend

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:19am

  78. 78: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ouch that will break his lil heart…

    but i guess thats what his heart needs.

    open up man heart!!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:20am

  79. 79: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i read somewhere that women hearts are like a membrane, they can break but they heal and are soft and can open often

    and men hearts are like metal, they only open sometimes, and if they break they SLAM shut. bang!! like doors

    well THANK YOU doctor Grant. your book was interesting at the time but

    I HOPE THOSE DOORS DONT FLY OPEN TOO HARD WHEN YOURE DASHING OUT TO YOUR GODDESS

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:22am

  80. 80: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Man heart. no need to ring the door bell. Just walk by and be seen from the window.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:23am

  81. 81: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    FUcka duckyy fuck a ducky fuck aduckyy fuck

    is it flattering and touching that Dman uses my words at the beginnnig of the conversation?

    like

    fuckin A

    and thas wassup?

    yes

    what does that MEAN??

    hehe

    it means he uses my words at the beginning of conversation

    hahaha

    i feel kinda good and kinda sad

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:24am

  82. 82: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I AM whatever I say i AM if I wasnt then why would I say I AM

    I AM THE GODDESS THAT BLESSES THE EARTH AND THE SKY THE WATER THE TREES AND BREATHES FIRE AND FLASHES METAL EYES AND DIAMOND JEWELS AND EATS LIVING LIVE FLESH AND GRASS

    “Upon the Mother depend the winds, the ocean, the whole earth beneath the snowy seat of Olympus; whenever she leaves the mountains and climbs to the great vault of heaven, Zeus himself, the son of Cronus, makes way, and all the other immortal gods likewise make way for the dread goddess”

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:30am

  83. 83: maryNo Gravatar says:

    soooooooooo…

    i just got home from the movies with my girlfriend.

    R called about 10 times. at the end, he left a message that said, “i’m worried about you.”

    so i called him. and I’m not sure how to answer questions like he asked to night: “where have you been?”

    does he have a right to know? If not, what do I say? I don’t want a game-y response like “here and there.”

    * * *

    this morning, after i told him about my trip dates (to see my kids), he didn’t even return the email. so i waited all day and he started calling this evening. sorry! i had already made plans.

    soooooo… in a TYPICAL SCENARIO, it would look like this:

    I would say, “R. I don’t see how it can work with you and me, so I’m gonna date other people.” There would be tears and gnashing of teeth, we would split, and I would hibernate for a while (hopefully not as long as last time), then start dating other men, until I found one I kinda liked, and we’d be boyfriend and girlfriend, then get married or break up. And so on and so on.

    in RORI RAYE scenario, it would look like this:

    I say, “R. I feel confused and left out when you say that you’re like a coyote, and that hunting women has gotten into your blood, but I accept you and I accept the situation as reality. I feel sad when you say you’d like to have a child, and that 50 is the new 40, which may be true for you, but I can’t give you a child at my age. And I feel off-balance when you say that you love me, and even want to marry me, but you don’t know how you’ll feel three weeks from now. What I don’t want is to never see you again. I enjoy being with you so much! And I don’t want to feel like I’m holding you hostage. That would make me unhappy. And if you have a desire to have a children, I don’t want to stand in the way of your realizing that desire. I don’t want to be three weeks into a relationship with you and have you second-guessing yourself. So……. in order to keep the pressure off and give us both time to sort this stuff out, I think it’s wise to keep my options open. I’d really like to be married, and I want to keep moving in that direction. I hope the church bells ring for us! I truly do! But I understand that sometimes things don’t go the way I want them to, so I’ll enjoy your company when I see you, and I hope that I see you a lot.

    * * *

    Suddenly I am a free bird, flying around, and try as he might, he can’t catch me unless he has a ring for my finger. I am illusive. I take other people’s phone calls. I go out with them. I have fun, even when he’s not around! I am a person that others desire to be with!

    And just as suddenly, he is a free bird, flying around, and try as i might, i won’t know where he is all the time. He’ll be making phone calls to other women, and going out with them. He’ll have fun, even when I’m not around! And he’ll be a person that others desire to be with!

    Instead of feeling stressed and pressured, he’ll have to fight and plan for my company, because if he waits around, my dance card will be booked. It’s been easy until now for him because instead of dating, I’ve been studying. (And that has gotten me so much further toward my personal goals! Yippeeeeeee! I mean, going straight into the discussion here, one reason to even have a career is that I can say I have a career! Otherwise I look too personally secure and high dollar, and being married is a top priority for me, so I don’t want to come across as a little rich high-maintenance bitch.)

    Suddenly, anything goes. He is free to date other women (so he can do his hunting thing), AND he can enjoy my company, too. It’s like it’s too good to be true. And maybe he’ll see that that’s actually not what he wants, after all. (And deep inside, he knows I will marry. if not him, then someone else. And now he’s worried about the someone else.)

    Up until now, I believe the source of all of his conflicts was that he was haunted by the idea that Fantasy Woman might really be out there. She might be just one date away! And being with me prevented him from looking for her! So he had to punish me by withdrawing from me. Now he doesn’t have to give me up in order to go find her! He can still look for her, and that’s okay with me!

    Too good, too good.

    It’s unreal.

    It’s brilliant.

    It’s uncomfortable.

    It’s counter-intuitive.

    It’s not understood by most women.

    It’s not understood by most men!

    We’ll see; we’ll see.

    Not sure how it will go!

    But I already have my big toe in.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:30am

  84. 84: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mary! I really love your speech !! it’s sooo AMAZING and poetic and creative!!!

    I love it for you, I would repeat it to myself .

    The only concern i have is that if you were to deliver said speech, it would have to be a few lines at a time, with pauses to listen to him and its pretty long… but now that I’m writing I think the main parts will be whats communicated. Plus.. what about asking him what he thinks?

    I feel energy like fear of what he thinks, and almost a holding of a certainty that he will get angry and in a huff… hmmm that feels surprising and interesting

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:37am

  85. 85: maryNo Gravatar says:

    Yes! I’m afraid of what he thinks!

    Too afraid to ask!

    I think I’m addicted to him… and I want to break the addiction before wonder man comes in March. I think he really might be a match for me.

    But what to do about R?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:41am

  86. 86: maryNo Gravatar says:

    he withholds…. he withdraws…. he is stingy with affection…. he frustrates me and knows it while he’s doing it.

    the other night i admitted it all to myself.

    now what?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:42am

  87. 87: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    MAry!!!

    arrggghghhhh I feel like shaking you!!!

    there is nothing to DO about R!!

    the only thing to DO IS PRACTICE NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM WHEN HES NOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU OR WHEN YOUR PHONE IS NOT RINGING WITH HIS NAME ON IT!!

    oh and practice the TOOLS EVERYWHERE!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:43am

  88. 88: maryNo Gravatar says:

    but what if my phone IS ringing with his name on it!??

    he is on top of it all. he wants me to himself so he can control me and ignore me and deprive me and every now and then give me a kiss.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:44am

  89. 89: maryNo Gravatar says:

    it rang all night tonight.

    part of me thought, “i’ll call him in the morning.”

    part of me thought, “he’s worried.”

    part of me thought, “i’ll go home and see what sirens have to say.”

    part of me thought, “i don’t even know what to say when he asks me where i’ve been! he shouldn’t be asking me that!”

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:46am

  90. 90: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well then, you can answer it and say hi… or… the phone usually stops ringing after about 30 seconds and you can forget about him again

    Aaaah… relief.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:46am

  91. 91: maryNo Gravatar says:

    hey, daria… did you get my email?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:47am

  92. 92: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yeah, this guy is controlling my life. but i’m working hard to prevent it!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:48am

  93. 93: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    what I do is keep my phone on silent. =D

    also… if you want to tell him where you were… why not?

    when I don’t want a man to know where I am for whatever reason, I say I was busy. if he insists, I say I was busy… if he insists I say… this feels really uncomfortable… I don’t like being asked questions I’ve already answered, and I’m starting to feel bugged

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:49am

  94. 94: maryNo Gravatar says:

    wow, i keep losing my gravatar.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:49am

  95. 95: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary— no i didnt…

    hmm

    maybe the email wa soff

    its

    magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:50am

  96. 96: maryNo Gravatar says:

    you’re right.

    it’s just that we’re at that point where there’s the realization from my holding back that i’m wanting to be an independent person. he’s acting like we’re boyfriend / girlfriend, when it pleases him to do so, and then he takes liberties when that works for him, because i’ve given him the no girlfriend speech.

    i’m not wanting to face the initial shock of this intimate, cozy, controlled situation to my being out there dating.

    i’m afraid of his reaction.

    he was so mad when i was dating that other guy too. and saying crummy stuff like, “wow. i would NEVER DO THAT TO YOU.”

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:52am

  97. 97: maryNo Gravatar says:

    okay, i’m emailing you now.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:54am

  98. 98: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary I feel excited about the time when you find your ANGER

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:55am

  99. 99: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yes. i know!

    you have so much wisdom.

    when i feel angry, i feel powerful enough to move away, but i hardly ever feel angry.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:57am

  100. 100: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Anger banger head destroyer

    rips stones out the foyer rips guts out the lawyer

    sucks river from the water and kicks fish that splatter

    and spews out hot destiny forceful with density

    wrung over the earth raindrops that sing

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:58am

  101. 101: maryNo Gravatar says:

    this relieves me:

    “there is nothing to DO about R!!”

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:58am

  102. 102: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe mary

    I bet you feel angry ALL THE TIME you just dont know it yet

    I FEEL DELIGHTED!!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:59am

  103. 103: maryNo Gravatar says:

    wow.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 12:59am

  104. 104: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i only know it when i’m angry with my kids! they’re so safe. and they can be angry with me too.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:01am

  105. 105: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe! Anger is fun! umm… its that hot numbing feeling for me that comes from feeling bad…

    i think maybe it would come with that shame or humiliated feeling ive heard you speak about

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:03am

  106. 106: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t know why i said Dman wanted to please you. it just seemed like that to me. he was coming your way.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:04am

  107. 107: maryNo Gravatar says:

    when i’m really, really mad, i always cry. that’s how i know. and i have a very immediate need to leave the situation.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:05am

  108. 108: maryNo Gravatar says:

    you could be a counselor or a coach. hey, maybe work with Rori someday!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:06am

  109. 109: maryNo Gravatar says:

    okay, see if you got my new email, cuz i’m ready to pay pal you.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:07am

  110. 110: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i’ve already said my speech. so it’s okay if it’s long. it’s just such a different scenario than the way the rest of the world does it.

    it’s almost an angry thing. you know what? none of this other stuff is working for me. i’m gonna do it MY WAY NOW! i’m gonna date WHOEVER I PLEASE, AND AS MANY MEN AS I PLEASE, WHENEVER I PLEASE!

    it’s almost angry.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:09am

  111. 111: maryNo Gravatar says:

    weird that my picture won’t stay on

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:11am

  112. 112: maryNo Gravatar says:

    shame and humiliation are different.

    they feel like embarrassment. like oooooooooooh. i wish i could do that over! i hate it that i said that, or did that, or looked like that, or sounded like that. it’s a turning on the self.

    anger is someone coming over into my territory. stepping over my boundary. ignoring my space. disregarding me.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:16am

  113. 113: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    well when I feel anger and humiliation i’ve noticed I usually feel a lot of ANGER covered by fear

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:17am

  114. 114: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary — haha

    you feel angry!! (almost) angry… what if you felt angry?

    what if it was ok to feel angry? what if it was good to feel angry?

    what if you felt Angry?

    what would that fee like?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:19am

  115. 115: maryNo Gravatar says:

    ignoring my needs. turning his back on me. not registering my need to see my kids. wanting to control my money. wanting to monopolize my time. wanting to have me under his thumb. wanting me to be there at all times for him! being selfish with his kisses. making fun of my romantic gestures. withholding from me. disregarding me. ignoring my space. stepping over my boundaries. coming over into my territory.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:19am

  116. 116: maryNo Gravatar says:

    calling me 10 times when i don’t answer.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:20am

  117. 117: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, it sounds like you kinda like him are sad about the idea of dropping contact with him. It sounded like you felt self conscious about oral sex, and it sounded like he felt self conscious about it, too. He blocked communication, and then it looked to me like you became defensive, and then you were both defending yourselves. I get a weird gut feeling about his whole “virginity” angle. Maybe he’s just trying to say that he worries he’s not good at sex, and he’s giving himself an excuse, and giving you incentive to be patient and helpful. It sounds like he’s experimenting with speaking intimately, and he chickens out sometimes. I know that guys really identify with their penises, and that big guys can feel weird about the fact that their penises hurt women. It just sounds like ya’ll hit a wall that you’ll either push through and become more intimate, or it’ll end here. I felt sad about the way that the conversation ended. I hate it when conversations end that way. All defensive sounding to me….

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:25am

  118. 118: maryNo Gravatar says:

    it would feel like losing control. tears. it would feel like “get OUT OF HERE.” it would feel like losing something important. it would feel like risking the relationship. losing face.

    it’s so NOT charm school.

    i’m a southern belle.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:26am

  119. 119: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oh o oh o im so hard tadududuhduduh

    oh oh o oh im soo hard taddaddadddah dadadh

    i see u aiming at my pedestal

    your arrow cant reach me im incredible

    youre so small that u edible

    and ima leave you to the medical indelible

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:27am

  120. 120: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    it would feel like losing control and tears… how would it feel like in your Body?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:28am

  121. 121: maryNo Gravatar says:

    wow Gina!

    i wish i had written that to Daria!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:29am

  122. 122: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina whoa that felt like a new – a bunch of new – perspectives . I will be rereading that a few times… one sec

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:29am

  123. 123: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i would feel restless and my body would need to get into action. maybe go somewhere.

    fast.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:30am

  124. 124: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, all this tip toeing around his thoughts and feelings feels MADDENING. I like your speech. but I wonder if there is more to what you are feeling. I’m asking cause I feel so frustrated with all that you are putting up with, and I sense rage under your calm collected speech…am I just projecting?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:35am

  125. 125: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    oh…I see that ya’ll were already discussing anger…that feels better. Before I felt all tense and weird – but this feels good to read. Honest and clear and way more fresh.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:38am

  126. 126: maryNo Gravatar says:

    really ??!?

    i’m so surprised.

    calm collected speech? sounds like rage inside?

    from this southern belle?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:43am

  127. 127: maryNo Gravatar says:

    gina, i was looking at your dove ads one day, and i just LOVE that campaign! i don’t watch TV, so i had never seen them before. they’re so uplifting! and you’re BEAUTIFUL!

    both of you are drop-dead gorgeous.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:45am

  128. 128: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary, I still don’t know if the floodgates of your emotions have opened, cause it just seems like they would wash this man away! I am ANGRY and scared of relationships that are suffocating – when I read your words about how it’s been with him, I feel like fighting!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:45am

  129. 129: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I got the most freaking awesome message on myspace… this after last week a guy told me oh… well i would have never guessed you were a tutor looking at your profile… dont take this the wrong way but i wouldnt have known u were smart liek that…

    so now THIS WEEK i get:

    Hello :) I really love what you had to say on your profile and your straightforward style. You come across as very intelligent and having your own ideas/thoughts/opinions that you are able to express in an articulate manner. I love that. I think you are absolutely beautiful as well. I would love to talk to you sometime if you are interested.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:45am

  130. 130: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Mary!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:46am

  131. 131: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i deleted this flower picture from my gravatar site. pretty weird. it says on the site that they keep the pictures on for a while, but then they switch it over. the switch happened today, but then it switched back!

    we’ll see.

    i liked your suggestion of having a way for new entries to just appear. this blog really works! what i wish is that if you hit on the person’s name, all of their entries would come up, so you could read their backgrounds again. that would be so cool. like a filter.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:47am

  132. 132: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – so you would feel like getting away… restless … fast…

    but there is no leaving your body … so what sensations would you feel ? and where?

    rori helped much with this once… she said.. is it a pressure? is it a tingling? is it a pinching? what does it specifically fele like and where – multiple wheres?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:47am

  133. 133: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary – I don’t see a flower, i see a person siluetted on an ocean cliff — beautiful

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:48am

  134. 134: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I like what he said Daria!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:49am

  135. 135: maryNo Gravatar says:

    that’s cool, daria.

    i didn’t know you were a tutor (yes i did!). what are your subjects, (besides love)?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:50am

  136. 136: maryNo Gravatar says:

    really? i see a flower! wow. maybe it’ll switch again.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:50am

  137. 137: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m chasing this frustratingly infuriating man on myspace down by sending :P and I feel ANGRY! messages

    hahahahaa

    i feel so amused!!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:51am

  138. 138: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yeah.

    i always feel it like a knot in my stomach. my stomach feels like it’s doubling over. hurts. cramps. i feel sick.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:52am

  139. 139: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mary I tutor people getting ready for tests like GMAT GRE’s LSAT and Math and English all levels and highschool students SAT’s ACT’s etc etc

    Math, English, Economics, Statistics

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:52am

  140. 140: maryNo Gravatar says:

    or…

    i feel it in a different way, and i start holding my breath, and then i can’t breathe. i’m just sitting there, with no air able to get in. it feels scary.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:52am

  141. 141: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    MAry ouch! that feels icky!

    crap these feeling messages work!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:53am

  142. 142: maryNo Gravatar says:

    oh, wow. i should have talked with you before i took my test!

    that’s neat, because EVERYONE has to take those tests!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:54am

  143. 143: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe! ok now say and write.. I love my breath holding! I love my feeling scared ! and that feels like – THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU PAY ATTENTION — The feeling will be CHANGING — and now what does it feel like…

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:54am

  144. 144: maryNo Gravatar says:

    what do you mean, these feeling messages work?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:55am

  145. 145: maryNo Gravatar says:

    okay.

    i love me holding my breath! i love me feeling scared! and that feels like…

    ?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:57am

  146. 146: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m having the time of my life on myspace keeping it REAL!!

    haha

    this one guy said can i be your friend?

    and i said

    like my romantic man “friend”? or like my buddy im gonna talk to you about other guys friend?

    loool

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:58am

  147. 147: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe

    whats happening Mary? how do you feel now? you felt like holding your breath… now what part of your body do you feel the strongest feeling in? and what does it feel like?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:58am

  148. 148: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    uhoh we’ve lost mary!! she held her breath too long!! heheheeee

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:01am

  149. 149: maryNo Gravatar says:

    i love my breath holding. i love my feeling scared. i love the dark. i love the night. i love feeling unsafe. i love danger. i love my watching. i love my liveliness. i love my fear. i love the way i cherish myself.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:02am

  150. 150: maryNo Gravatar says:

    yeah.

    guys and friends.

    no.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:04am

  151. 151: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe mary wow I love that!!! youre so poetic!!! gosh! this rocks!

    ok check out this Rori post about loving the sensations in our body…

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/love-the-sensations-in-your-body/

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:05am

  152. 152: maryNo Gravatar says:

    okay.

    i’m gonna read pia melody’s book on being addicted to a person.

    then i’m gonna get un-addicted.

    really and truly.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:05am

  153. 153: maryNo Gravatar says:

    that was good! loved the comments!
    thanks, daria.

    good night.

    i’m sleepy. i love my i-WILL-stay-up resolve! i’ll let go now. i love my letting go.

    i cleaned my house today. i love my clean house! oh! my comforter is so beautiful. my bed is calling me… come to me, come to me, sleep now…

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:16am

  154. 154: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Daria, it sounds like you kinda like him are sad about the idea of dropping contact with him. ”

    This is true. I don’t want to drop contact with him. I am becoming clear that I do not want to be his friend. Nor is he feeling friendly to me now. He gets turned on consistently when he talks to me. I don’t want to be his friend anymore.

    “It sounded like you felt self conscious about oral sex, and it sounded like he felt self conscious about it, too. ”

    I felt a little self conscious… but this is something I usually like even with men I don’t know that well HEHEHE . He doesn’t really like it, and I felt self conscious about That and that i had hair… i felt insecure.

    “He blocked communication, and then it looked to me like you became defensive, and then you were both defending yourselves. ”

    Hmmm yes I felt triggered when he said he felt stupid. I took that to mean he didnt like it. and I didn’t like that he didn’t like it. I felt rejected, and then I started to feel hot in my body even though my pelvis was chillin and I even got a lil hot in my bladder too… and that hotness persisted and I spoke on it… then he said he was joking and i felt mistrustful

    “I get a weird gut feeling about his whole “virginity” angle. Maybe he’s just trying to say that he worries he’s not good at sex, and he’s giving himself an excuse, and giving you incentive to be patient and helpful. ”

    Yes this is the idea I got too, except I didnt think about the he worries hes not good at sex, i jsut thought he worries hes inexpereienced, which now seems like the same thing. This really hit home with me. and yes I feel like he wants me to be patient and helpful, hes encouraging me whenever I act that way. HOWEVER i feel resentful. this was MY SEXPERIMENT i made that clear. NOT DMAN;s sexperiment. grrrr. I want to be the one learning. I feel STUCK about this. as in what do i DO?

    “It sounds like he’s experimenting with speaking intimately, and he chickens out sometimes. ”

    hmm… you mean speaking about sex? well… yeah he chickens out, but he does it by lying it seems. this feels frustrating and weird and i felt mistrustful, and I feel like I’m the rock which feels kinda disappointeing

    “I know that guys really identify with their penises, and that big guys can feel weird about the fact that their penises hurt women.”

    WOW. I never thought about this. THAT WOULD FEEL WEIRD. If my vagina was hurting men lol… Vagina Dentata. YEs. He talks a lto about how women have told him (positively) that his penis is big. mm i feel turned on t hinking about it now. sooo… I WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT IS PROTECTED and he makes me feel safe and takes it slow… I don’t want to be the one to Baby a man… grrr… but I don’t want to Dump him because of inexperience… do i? I dont’ want to be hurting… grr… I need him to devote himself to “working with me” whats that without controling him? I want a man 100 focused on pleasing and protecting me. Not just 40 or 60%. Although I DO Appreciate ANY focus, (do I? well yes it feels nice to know that he cares, and he tries… but I WANT MORE … and I feel guilty)

    ” It just sounds like ya’ll hit a wall that you’ll either push through and become more intimate, or it’ll end here.”

    VERYYY interesting at the idea that we can push through it… is it him who should push? or I? well I was thinking i until i just wrote that and realized I can just chill and let him push… he can push thru the wall of lying about what he just said about sex and the wall of pleasing me and going down on me and the wall of Dating me and taking me out rather than me showing up at his house where his mom Kicks me out… I FEEL ANGRY AT HER

    “I felt sad about the way that the conversation ended. I hate it when conversations end that way. All defensive sounding to me….”

    Hmm… yes it felt awkward. If I got off the phone at the first lull, i woul have gotten off just a few sentences past hi… I was thinking thats what I would do next time… instead of sitting thru the silences… I don’t know… i feel Restless and Angry and weird and confused and icky and insecure and angry… I LOVE MY FEELINGS

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:21am

  155. 155: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel angry that he doesn’t like me and says he doesnt wnat to lie to me about it and that when hes got himself more together he’ll amke more conscious decisions BUT THAT DOESNT FEEL GOOD TO ME

    and separately or unseparately SEX has hurt the last 2 out of 3 times not TO MENTION gave me fucking UTI’s!

    But it also felt exciting and good and learnifying and I like it and i like his body and penis and him

    soooo

    i feel exhauseted like im running aroun da merrygoround tryan hop on a horse that is running around from me lol

    I AM ON A HORSE DAMMIT. my horse hsa gotten on his knees and is sitting on the ground and I am kicking my horse and I feel guilty and my horse is ignoring me… UFFFF I feel so ignored… this feels sucky and i feel abandoned and betrayed by the horse and i also feel apathetic because the horse is not even paying attention so it feels confusing to feel this way at the FUCKING HORSE.. hes just being a fucking horse!! UGH I FEEL MAD AT YOU HORSE I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.. I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER AND NOW YOURE JUST SITTING HER AND MUNCHING GRASS AND IM SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR YOU???

    WELL YOU KNOW WHAT HORSE, IM WALKING… AND I WILL LEAVE YOU HERE IN THE GRASS

    MOTHERFUCKING HORSE

    I FEEL STINGY EYED A THE MOTHERFUCKING WORD IT FEELS SCARY AND ICKY TO SAY

    FUCK

    aah hot eye

    ok

    fine.

    i will walk. I FEL ANGRY I FEEL ANGRY I FEEL ANGYR

    how about that. I am walking in the woods. I KNOW YOU WILL BE COMING AFTER ME HORSE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. I WANT A HORSE I CAN TRUST TO RIDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
    RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

    the big R feels satisfying

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:29am

  156. 156: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, my intuition is that you told the horse to stop and stoop down so that you could play with this man who just seems so small to me right now. And that now your horse’s feet are asleep, so it’ll take just a minute for him to get his juices flowing, and then you can jump on. You can even take the little guy with you if you want. Maybe he’ll become a full grown man who will feel good to ride with, who will protect you from the world (which can be a scary place!), OR, a big strong man (who appreciates your excellent communication skills, ie poetry) will swoop in on the scene. Either way, you win.

    Alrighty…sleepy time. Gnight!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:55am

  157. 157: maryNo Gravatar says:

    wow.

    what i’ve been dreaming about since i was about 21:

    J is coming for sure in March. 16-21. he wants to spend a week with me! i told him yes. what do you think of that?

    he is the first love who is going through a divorce. the divorce has been a long one.

    this means R is going to be furious. just beside himself. how do i tell him? what do i tell him?

    i don’t even know if it will work with J. should i tell J to stay at a hotel, or is my guest room fine?

    wow. i really don’t know.

    S – O – S

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 10:27am

  158. 158: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    Re. Women who earn more than men:

    I’ll get back with you when I’m there :)

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 11:22am

  159. 159: RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Mary… I’m excited for you! I just remember Rori talking about “do-overs.” When we go back to someone who we loved previously, it can be an attempt to find answers to questions … like inside there is an insecure little girl who just wants to win that one guy that she wanted so badly.

    Sometimes it works out beautifully. Other times, there is a lot of pain and you end up realizing that the Universe knew what it was doing when it steered you in a different direction at 21.

    I feel your excitement. But I also feel a little cautious. My high school love re-entered my life about a year ago and it has been both exhiliarating and painful. I’m still not sure where it’s going to end, but I was unprepared for the intensity of revisiting those emotions.

    My personal opinion about him staying at your place… the “chemistry” may resume right where you left off. It did for me. And I found myself having sex the very first time we met and spinning off into deep and powerful “connection” way before it was time. So.. a hotel may be safer?

    Just my thoughts. I wish you well. You are a strong, smart woman and I look forward to hearing all about it!!

    Hugs!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 1:03pm

  160. 160: maryaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Daria
    i do not know if it is ba,what i do about money.The problem is why do i have to make many discution about money when i myself think he is not smart enough with money.I think it is not okey to have mney together because we have so different wieu on it.But i thin it is very important that we take resposibility together to manage the money for the house we live in both.It is about learning to take care of something we both earn.
    I have thre children as him.I want to give money to my children in sted of using with him because i have another standard for my childrens education.
    But about the women he use to take care of his money whe he gives them emotional care!!!!! it is problem.I can not find answer how he can change,he become worse if i try,but he gives this woman something(she is needy,she is so happy he just have any contact with her,he send an e-mail she shows up in the swimminghall he swim),…i do not fell i have to concurate with her,because she is not the person i am intrested inn.the other case is he and her was together in three years just as girlfriends,they left in their own house each and he was not commited to her vene for eksclusive sex,do you think it is easier now
    i think it is a way my man find to get ide of big feelings because he has problem with intimity.We have both this.He loves me but he is afraid of me,as am of him

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 2:41pm

  161. 161: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Ladies, a friend passed me the answer on the question in this topic found at a site . It was her male friend who answered the girl asking “Why do the men stop seeing the women as soon as they suppose that she can be strong.” There is an answer of a man about the fear of men to have successful women. Please read it. Sorry for my mistakes.

    “All depends on the man you have, on his character and his education.
    A lot of men are afraid, of so-called “difficulties”. She is too pretty !? It means other men will like her and it means someone will be my adversary. The unique explanation is that there is a fear of being defeated. The man is the hunter, the warier (as it always was). If the man is afraid to be defeated even not having tried before to win the game, why do you need him? You certainly agree that no beauty of the man nor money (on the subconscious level of the woman) make her love the man. To be with a strong man, to feel protected by his warmth, to be sure that if there are difficulties and problems there is someone who won’t be afraid, who won’t leave you, won’t go away. And being with him gives her comfort and warmth. Are you looking for something like this feeling maybe? With such a man, the woman can be sure, and her smile and her eyes with light of love will be the envy of other people.!! But she won’t be afraid, because she has this strong man with her.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 3:08pm

  162. 162: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Marya,

    Rori please answer. Marya, I would read Rori’s books and start the tools right away. It woudl feel awful to me to live with a man who is giving money and attention to other women. I think It’s important that you begin dating other men now.

    I feel very triggered and upset to read that you are tolerating this situation, and I don’t know how to clearly say to you.

    I hope Rori answers soon.

    Rori?

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 3:27pm

  163. 163: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Soignee – that was AWESOME I could feel what it would feel like to have a man like this. It felt so safe… like i could put my head on his chest and he is strong. Thank you.

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 3:29pm

  164. 164: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Ladies, I will translate you a story (sorry for my mistakes.) The change of relationship dynamic.

    Did you like it?

    He said: “I like many women but I can not be only with one.”
    Her answer was her smile.
    He said: “I am a single man, I am free and I don’t owe anything to anyone.”
    She felt upset.
    He said: “I like women who understand me and appreciate my freedom”.
    She started to smile and smoke.
    He said: “Let’s have fun, I like you.”
    She left the cigarette and looked into his eyes.
    He realized she accepted.
    He asked her”Did you have probably many men?”
    She hugged him and leaned strongly to him.
    He asked:”Are you fine with me?”
    She closed her eyes and kissed him.
    Going home on the next morning, he said: “Everything was wonderful, let’s keep it secret.”
    She stretched her hand and removed something invisible from his shoulder.
    He said: “I will call you soon.”
    She agreed and closed the door.
    He called in the evening of the same day.
    She was not at home.
    He reached her only very late at night on her mobile phone.
    She permitted him to come only after the whole week.
    He asked her: “Did you have fun without me?”
    She smiled and offered him some coffee.
    He called her nearly every day.
    She did not answer sometimes.
    He came to her only when she allowed him.
    She did not explain why her invitations were so rare.
    He understood he wanted to be only with her.
    He got nervous when she did not answer his calls.
    He flipped out when he knew she was seen with some other man.
    He wanted that everybody knew about their relationship.
    She was against it.
    He wanted her to be only his woman.
    He came to visit her with many many red roses.
    She accepted the flowers but asked him not to come to her without her invitation.
    He wanted to ask her to be his wife.
    She said: “I am a single.”
    He started to smoke, his hands trembled.
    She said: “I am free.”
    He got cold.
    She said: “I do not owe anything to anyone.”
    He had the sensation like his heart stopped.
    She said: “I do not want to change anything.”

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 3:39pm

  165. 165: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been away from the blog for several days and have no idea where to post this, so I’ll just do it here.

    My Maui trip was amazing. I rediscovered myself, my independence and the fact that I am an intrepid woman. I snorkled all over the place, without a buddy, making sure I was safe and taking good care of myself. I met people, talked to men, smiled at them and said hi when they said hi to me. I listened for each message as it came. I thought about my man, but made sure to stay busy having fun and forgot about my worries regarding him for hours at a time. I met 3 wonderful women, all of whom are also turning 50 and went out for drinks with them, out to lunch, laughed, talked, shopped and had a wonderful time. By the time I left, I felt stronger than I have in ages, no longer feeling emotionally or physically drained. All of this in spite of the fact that my man dropped me from his facebook, hadn’t talked to me in 3 weeks and left me fearing the absolute worst where he is concerned.

    He texted me 2 days before my return asking “Will you call me when you get home?” I replied with when I would be back and told him he could call me whenever he wanted. I truly feared he was going to end it. I was prepared with feeling messages: “Okay, this feels better than continuing to pour myself into a relationship with someone who sees me as ‘just okay for now’. I can do a lot better than that.” To my surprise, he called me two nights after I got home and we are now more EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED than we ever have been before. In fact, more than I have ever been before with any man. I am amazed! He told me all about how emotionally difficult being separate from me had been for him, how jealous he felt that I went to Hawaii without him, how he had wanted to be there with me when I saw the whales for the first time, how he has been feeling, lonely, sad, rejected, jealous. How he’s willing to talk about whatever we need to, how he understood my need to go take care of myself because he cut off communication, how much he appreciates and values my love. I am amazed. My trust level increased with him as I heard him taking responsibility and having deep insight into his part in our relationship.

    I was not surprised when he said again that he barely survived his divorce, how he couldn’t endure going through that again and so needs to be sure that we’re really solid before getting married. I took a huge step back and told him that I realized that I am not ready to marry him. That, as much as I love him, there are some issues I need to feel assured about and to address with him (he can be SO critical and this is one of the realizations he had – about how what he’s been doing with that is not good for our relationship). I told him that I need time. And this is TRUE. And I could feel the dynamic of the relationship start to TURN AROUND.

    When we got together last night, he took me to dinner. We sat and talked for hours. Later, our love making was so not about the sex and so about intimacy and sharing ourselves and our feelings. He commented on how for us, it’s so much more about the relationship than it is about sex and how special that is to him. It’s like an emotional dam has broken open between us. We are pouring our real selves in and out of each other and I feel quite able to tolerate the increased intimacy. I feel wanted and adored. And it feels so incredibly fantastic!

    Rori, thank you. This feels so good. I’m getting it. I’m going to keep taking care of me and living MY life. I won’t put as much energy in as he is. I’ll keep stepping back and leaning back. I’m circular dating without going on a date and dating myself. I love myself more than I love him. I can do this! I’m committed to it, to me.

    THANK YOU RORI!

    Love,
    Nancy

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 4:15pm

  166. 166: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    So I have a circular Dating story.

    I met this man online, and gave him my number, and one night when I was very upset and went out for a drive alone he called me. He was very supportive and I decided to go over to his house he invited me because I was upset and it would be nice to relax.

    So i did, and it was nice, and I went home. He was nice but I let him know that I don’t drive to men, and that this was an one time exception because it felt like fun to me right then, and that I don’t plan on driving to him again.

    So since then I expected him to ask me again because I know he doesnt drive so to come to my town to meet me downtown he would have to take the train. Well he did ask me, and I politely told him I don’t wnat to drive, etc.

    So then he periodically would call me, but one time I said I feel annoyed, he said why, I said well I would want to see you and I don’t get the feeling that thats what you’re planning. and that I would like to go on a date, and I feel annoyed talking on the phone a long time with no plans to meet.

    so he said oh ok yes we definitely can have a date so he set a date and time and I felt very excited and he did too. This was like a week ahead of time and the date was for today right now.

    So we talked meanwhile and confirmed and i let him know i feel excited.

    Then this morning was the day of the date I was feeling grumpy and bad. So I notice a text from him from earlier saying ;

    Today is the big day, are you ready?

    Now I have told him before that I don’t like texting. So I felt slightly annoyed taht he’s texting, but ok, so I texted him back what i was feeling. I said Im feeling grumpy.

    Then I start getting ready and showering but its basically one hour from the time we were to meet and I hadn’t heard from him. So I’m thinking ok hes like too insecure to confirm by phone or wahtever, watch hes probably gonna stand me up because I just wrote hikm a feeling text, hes not gentleman enough to Call me and see what is up. So im feeling annoyed in the shower that he hadnt called.

    So then about 25 minutes from the time we planned for meeting, he texts… what is that supposed to mean?

    and I text ?

    and he texts : wtf is i feel grumpy mean

    And I feel angry at this point! I text: I don’t like texting, it’s fine to call.

    Then he texts: ok I will in a second, I’m on the phone longdistance with my dad.

    Im feeling pist because Im thinking too that it would take him more than 20 minutes to get to our date on time. I am not ready though 100% so that wasnt an issue too much.

    ok so then he calls. im in the middle of a convo with anohter guy, and I take the call, and the other guy hangs up after a lil bit… so i feel a bit guilty about that… but im not gonna reach out to the other guy, just thinking about apologizing if he contacts me again

    well… so hes like… im like hi. hes like hi. silence…

    anyway I wind up telling him im feeling weird cuz i thought we were meeting. and hes like yeah… i dint hear back from you i texted u this morning. i slepping… i said i feel weird and kinda mad… it would have been ince to have a confirmation call.. hes like well i texted and didnt hear back from u for two hours and fell asleep… so i said well i textd you bakc right when i woke up… so hes like yeah well i got the i feel grumpy text so i kinda thought maybe you were tyrna say you dont want to go… i said ok… well it wouldve felt cool to get a call to see … or what

    i said you know i feel angry… and hes like… well yeah well its not my fault…

    and then etc and then hes like i mean im not that far from downtown , i could meet u … i said yeah well id have to finish getting ready… i dono i have to see how i feel.

    honestly i still feel angry

    so he says

    well you feel angry i cant do anything about that, i tried to contact you and didnt hear back…

    and i said ok… (i felt really angry and not cared for when he said he cant do anything about that)

    i said ok well im feeling angry, and i dont want to go on the date anymore… (pause) bye. and i hung up

    i actually feel GOOD

    then someone called me to book me for a paid research group, and i missed a call from him while i was on the phone then – 10 minutes had passed

    then he texts me:

    I called you to say that even tho is not my fault that we aren’t meetin up I don’t hold grudges – never dealt with someone who seems so selfish

    AAH!!! really??? ok oxymoron who doesnt hold grudges and then attacks….

    wow

    well i feel glad i broke that date off. this doesnt seem a man who i can rely on when i feel upset

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 4:19pm

  167. 167: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    or even rely on to freaking confirm a date not by text 000 and im pretty sure i told him i dont like texting… and he couldve called

    i did get the feeling he had low self esteem, although he was pretty successful and fun to talk to, he wasnt that great looking, but mentioned how he knows hes great looking – so when i met him i thought… really??

    ok

    well there it is.

    the message is let him lead and he will show me what hes capable of”

    AND breaking off plans abruptly does NOT feel bad as it seems it would

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 4:21pm

  168. 168: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy! wow ! AMAZING!!!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 4:25pm

  169. 169: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy – you Rock!!! BRAVA!!! Love, Rori

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 5:03pm

  170. 170: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Soignee, I LOVE this…Rori

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 5:04pm

  171. 171: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Woohoo! Thank you Rori and Daria.

    Soignee, I love your post, too!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 5:16pm

  172. 172: CallistaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Soignée! I love that story! It feels so powerful! I love the way the lady just smiles mysteriously but is still very open and loving – and she has rules and everything is on her terms – and she doesn’t apologize or explain or feel the need to even care about whether he’s calling or not – I want to be like her…

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 5:25pm

  173. 173: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Congratulations Nancy. I feel happy for you.

    I need a break thru. I wish S would get it. He was here last night, slept on the couch and did not get up off it all day today except to go to the bathroom. I was busy all day, doing laundry, packing for the trip to Florida we are taking. I cooked, prepared food for a super bowl party we are going to… shoveled snow…. He did not get up, just layed around. Once he got up to see what I was doing.

    This feels like my marriage. I left it because there was no passion or intimacy. I am starved. How did it get this way? He wasnt like this before. It is like someone flipped a switch. what a big dissapointment he has turned out to be. Christmas time was so magical. Now the man doesnt even reach out to touch me. Just a kiss hello and a kiss goodbye.

    I want a story to tell like Nancy… .. you go girl.

    Linda

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 9:20pm

  174. 174: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Nancy! I feel so happy for you and I feel so inspired for the rest of us! I love these feelings!

    Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 10:30pm

  175. 175: siaNo Gravatar says:

    Nancy

    so good, so good!

    Whales and love!
    It is true what Bob Grant says, that men do not respond to words, but to distance!

    Would you let us know, if it is possible to ask him, why you were taken off Facebook?
    It is so nice to hear success stories here! Enjoy!

    I found your post by chance.

    RORI,

    I would like it, if it were possible to reply to specific post like before, but, plus, the new post would also appear under the newest article with a link to the thread where it belongs to.

    What do you think, Rori?

    I noticed when I criticised the system before, I did not get a reply from you, then I think Linda did the same in feeling messages – saying she feels scared of sounding negative, and you reacted.

    Was it because my language of criticism was off putting, or you just didnt have time? Any feedback will be appreciated. Thanks

    Monday, 8 February 2010 @ 5:21pm

  176. 176: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you ladies, for being happy for me and for your support.

    Sia, he deactivated his whole Facebook profile. He didn’t just take me off. I’m still not sure why. He still looked at my posts and followed my trip, etc. I haven’t pushed it. He has made some noises about getting back on.

    I’m busy basking in the positive changes! He’s leaving me voice messages, which is new, he’s making grand gestures towards me, like he’s inspired. I’m aware that it’s not a marriage, which is what I want, but I’m also very happy with the ways in which he’s moving towards me and the insights he’s having about his own behavior in our relationship. For instance, he has said that he sees that when we’re apart, he becomes critical of me and that that is bad for the relationship. This is huge, that he sees it and has said it and owned it. I never had to say a word.

    I think I gave him the gift of missing me and wondering about me and what I was doing. He had to look at himself and not just project onto me. I have realized that he is a grown man and is completely capable of picking up the ball, as Rori terms it, so I have no more desire to do so. I’m starting to relax.
    Wow!

    Tuesday, 9 February 2010 @ 8:10pm

  177. 177: UGG BootsNo Gravatar says:

    I found this article useful in a paper I am writing at university. Hopefully, I get an A+ now!

    Thanks

    Bernice Franklin

    Wednesday, 10 February 2010 @ 1:52am

  178. 178: VelvetineNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Daria, I’m not surprised that guy was bemused by your text – he was feeling excited to meet you and you didn’t accept him or show gratitude, you were just feeling grumpy. Of course he is gonna think that is about him. I wonder why you felt so much anger at HIM.

    I don’t care if a man earns little. I feel weird when a rich man just pays for stuff as if I would be impressed. I can accept but that doesn’t feel that amazing to me. But a poorer man giving me love, time, creativity, kindness and money feels much more romantic.

    I had a man take me on a fancy date once, he had it all planned and had put in loads of effort. I told him I felt amazed by the place we were in. He confided that he doesn’t usually go to places like this but he actually sold his car to afford to take me out. That was sooo sweet but I admit I felt BAD. Especially cos I didn’t want to see him again!

    I find lots of money a turn off in general. It feels like a disgusting, corrupt, elitist symbol. But I still want a man to care for me in other ways.

    Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 2:17pm

  179. 179: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Velvetine –

    I felt grumpy. Was he the kind of man who would cheer me up or CALL me? no he was not.

    Also, I let him know in the past that I did not like texts. I did not like not getting a call to confirm a date. I did not like getting ready for a date that was unconfirmed.

    It all felt weird.

    And I’m not wanting to pick up the ball for him by leaning forward.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:49am

  180. 180: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I felt anger at him starting about one hour before the date when he didn’t call to confirm and I was in the shower wondering whether I’m getting ready for a date taht is not really happening.

    I felt angry for talking on the phone and feeling uncherished about the date, and told that he can’t do anything about me being angry.

    ???

    I don’t want to go to a date with a man I feel angry with.

    And then his text afterward about me being selfish. With what exactly? I hadn’t gotten anything from this man.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:52am

  181. 181: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Im a woman with a high degree of difficulty and he wasn’t looking for that.

    I got that feeling beforehand anyways, but I was gonna let him make up for it.

    I know what you mean,

    yes, instead of feeling excited i felt grumpy. That’s how I felt. Grumpy.

    I DID on top of feeling grumpy, feel turned off to wake up to a text rather than a call. After I had told this man several times I don’t like texts.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:55am

  182. 182: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling mucho jumpy and defensive.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:57am

  183. 183: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel interested in Doc’s comments about men who do not know their heart. These men feel dangerous!!! but then, in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” the guy figures his heart out.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:05pm

  184. 184: siaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi daria,
    i have texting problems constantly, too many misunderstandings.

    Here is what would feel like if I were your guy: despite hearing about disliked I texts, I just send one to test the waters. And red light – woman texts back that she is feeling grumpy! She probably changed her mind about the date and wants to fade out – instead of saying it.. I did ask her outhright if she is ready in the text – and she ignored a direct question.
    But I want to be clear and ask for explanation – (maybe she just doesn’t want to do the date today and next time is possible)- now she says she doesn’t like texts, it is fine to call. Shame she didn’t text this this morning, then I would know she is not trying to get out of date. So I call – she repeats she expected a phone call and is angry. I did call her often times before, and today as well immediately after she asked me – I did my best. Too bad 1 text managed to annoy her so much. Is she expecting me to grovel? No thanks.

    Rori wrote somewhere if someone complimented our breasts, it is good to say: I feel good about getting a compliment, but I feel uncomfortable talking my breasts – I don’ t want that.
    So not just one feeling gets a feeling message – all do.

    This is why I don’t like texting, it is impossible to express any feeling authentically..

    You say you were feeling grumpy – was that all in your soup?
    I feel if I were in a shower getting ready for unconfirmed date, that would mean to me that below grumpiness I am, somewhere, excited, or at least curious..

    So my feeling message (if I had time to muse) would contain both anger and excitement. That would hopefully communicate to the guy he still has a chance.

    For me, often, anger and resentment often surface and get stronger voice than other positive feelings, – I tend to take those for granted somehow

    What do you think?

    I feel like she said she is feeling grumpy because she expected me to grovel, just because I sent one text.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:52pm

  185. 185: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia –

    I told the man that I didn’t like texting way way before this date.

    I’m sure I told him more than once.

    I agree with this, this is what i THOUGHT was going on with him also (not that that matters as it’s his business):

    “Here is what would feel like if I were your guy: despite hearing about disliked I texts, I just send one to test the waters. And red light – woman texts back that she is feeling grumpy! She probably changed her mind about the date and wants to fade out – instead of saying it.. I did ask her outhright if she is ready in the text – and she ignored a direct question.”

    Yes I had this going in my mind too. But i’m not interested in what’s going on with his insecurities.

    Im more interested in well WILL HE STEP UP.

    I do not like men texting me to confirm a date. I do not like Texting – which I’ve told him.

    Rori says to “let them flounder.”

    I was not interested in helping him, but rather in seeing how well he stepped up, which he did not.

    I feel triggered. I feel very angry at this man!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:22pm

  186. 186: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I did not expect him to grovel. I expected him to step up.

    If to him stepping up = grovel, which I suspect (again more Thinking about his business) then he is not the man for me.

    I don’t want to help a man along, even though I THINK I “understand” where he’s coming from.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:24pm

  187. 187: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s one version that would’ve felt nice

    TEXT: “hey are you ready for the big day” 11 am

    RECEIVED ” I feel grumpy”

    CALL: Hi!

    hi

    You’re feeling grumpy huh?

    yeah,

    Aww that sucks beautiful. Are you still up for our date?

    Me: oh yeah, i feel glad we have the date today. I felt kinda mad getting a text this morning, I was worried that you wouldn’t call me to confirm and just leave it at texting, and that’s a turnoff, especially when i told you i dont like texting.

    Him: ohhhh dang girl. Ok i will call for sure. I want to see you. Real glad we’re still on for 3… i want to make you feel better!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:26pm

  188. 188: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rori had a comment or post where she said:

    So he called and left you a message, and you didnt get back to him yet….

    Is he the kind of man who will call again to make sure his voicemail got through and be sure he will get in touch with you?

    or is he (for whatever reason) well not able to pursue.

    I think of this as similar. yes im aware that he may have gotten the impression i didnt want to go. Did he pick up and call and make sure? umm no.

    then he started using WTF and told me “he can’t help it if i’m mad, he’s 20 min away – ” WOW I FEEL FURIOUS

    um no i don’t want to meet u feeling mad!

    grrr

    I’m not a boy insecurity taker carer reassurer.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:31pm

  189. 189: siaNo Gravatar says:

    I see, it is a drag
    but this would sound really bad to me, if I turned it around:

    I don’t want to help a woman along, even though I think I “understand” where she’s coming from.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:32pm

  190. 190: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Aboutthe breasts:

    It was, wow I feel good to be complimented, and I feel uncomfortable talking about my breasts, wow actually I FEEL ANGRY!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:32pm

  191. 191: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia -

    that is why we don’t turn it around.

    The men pursue, we do not.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:33pm

  192. 192: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My job is not to woo the man.

    The man’s job is too woo the woman.

    My job is to express my REAL feelings authentically, love myself, stick to the no attacking rules (which was a task!) , and stay open.

    I may not have stayed 100% open, but then again I did, seeing how I was feeling turned off and mad and communicated without attacking.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:35pm

  193. 193: siaNo Gravatar says:

    I liked that imaginary conversation!
    It does sound fantastic, but I worry there are not enough guys like that around..

    I just got deida’s book, were you saying you are reading them? He advises the same – when woman is emotional (like I feel grumpy), he lifts her into his arms and makes her laugh.

    I worry there are too few guys like this – just as there is too few women who know rori.
    We can influence, sure..

    I feel a bit depressed:(

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:45pm

  194. 194: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia -

    I’ve talked with plenty of guys like that to EXPECT that from a man. I actually expected that from him as well, and I felt a bit surprised to see him fall off.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:55pm

  195. 195: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    What I meant is that conversation has happened with me from men more often than not (lately).

    So that makes it real clear to me that it’s not too much to ask for. Here’s what a fanstatic version would have been for me:

    Him: text – Are you ready for the big day ? 11 am

    me: text – I feel grumpy – 1 pm

    Him: instant call – Baby, you feel grumpy??? whatsup?

    me: i’m feeling weird waking up…

    him: ooh you just woke up, youre so cute!! oh wait… are you feeling grumpy cuz i texted instead of called… I didn’t want to wake you up!

    Me: aww thats sweet. no i keep my phone on silent. Im just feeling grumpy i don’t know why. I feel much better talking to you now.

    Him: I feel so glad to be able to make a beautiful woman like you feel better. I can’t wait to see you today at 3 pm. I’ve got something special planned and I think you’ll like it.

    Me: wow I feel excited too!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:00pm

  196. 196: siaNo Gravatar says:

    hm,
    the first version felt good

    this felt like something from a woman – caring instinct and mind reading, I would feel very very turned off

    I know a guy who constantly guesses what he might have done wrong and then apologizes – it has the same vibe for me as self-derogatory comments. Offputting.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:12pm

  197. 197: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia –

    well some men Are “mind readers.” I’ve been very pleasantly surprised by men, and their ability to make me feel good and get to what’s wrong.

    I would not want him to apologize for something random. That COULD make me feel icky if he instantly goes into it. or persists in apologizing for things that arent issues for me

    EW yes. I do know know guys who do the apologizing thing. I tell them i feel turned off, while feeling guilty of telling them that (because my pesky THINKING is assuming they have low self esteem)

    But, checking to see how I’m feeling AND THIS MAN IVE TOLD SEVERAL TIMES I DONT LIKE TEXTING! would not have been so shocking.

    Guys ARE caring. Nurturing is MASCULINE. I felt shocked by that too when i first read it in Rori’s book.

    GUys can nurture and give soooo welll… i love it. I love being taken care of by a man.

    And yes, I’ve known guys who I’ve had my fantastic conversation with before. And not just one.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:22pm

  198. 198: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Rereading my post and yes, i felt icky! a little bit about the guessing… what made it good was that “he” guessed right. that would have been awesome for me if he rememberd i don’t like texts and cleared that.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:23pm

  199. 199: siaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe it was the word instant phone call which you used which immediately created this picture in my mind: guy immediately panickes and grabs the phone because he feels like you might refuse him otherwise.

    words are very powerful

    my love language are acts of service, I think words of appreciation were meagre 3%, the last

    so if someone told me they are glad to be able to feel beautiful woman like me feel better, I would feel it as a gross overstatement, like something a slave would say

    Poor guys, they don’t have it easy with us!

    I feel thankful my friend pointed out to me I voice just negative impressions about surroundings (not my friends), now I am trying to comment positively – it feels very unnatural at times!

    maybe I should date your guy:)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:36pm

  200. 200: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia-

    wow interesting. My love language is definitely Words of Affirmation.

    When i said instant phone call, I saw him as instantly wanting to make me feel better – his attention on me – rather than worryign about himself and whether i’d refuse him

    haha we’d be able to tell thru voice i think..

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:38pm

  201. 201: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    what i THINK about this guy – random and thinky -

    is he felt underconfident because he didn’t have his license to drive, and he knew i didn’t want to drive to a man – though I DID the first time, just because I was out at that time and it sounded fun, and i let him know i don’t like driving to guys and wouldn’t do it again -

    so he felt kinda incapable maybe and that made him feel resentful and less confident.

    which showed up in his behavior

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:41pm

  202. 202: NancyNo Gravatar says:

    Sia,

    I did eventually have him tell me that he got off FB because he didn’t want to see what I was doing in Hawaii. He said he felt jealous. He’s back on now and posting about us again.

    I don’t know if you’ll read this, but wanted to answer your question.

    Saturday, 20 February 2010 @ 12:45pm

  203. 203: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    60. “Your woman could be a corporate executive and you could be a house husband. That’s fine, as long as you’re living your highest purpose and her life is devoted to love.”

    What someone gleaned from David Deida

    Monday, 22 February 2010 @ 11:13am

  204. 204: KCNo Gravatar says:

    I am a guy who is single, looking forward to one day finding Mrs. Right and is a student. If I meet the right girl and if I find out that she has a higher paying job then I do by two or five or ten times, I wouldn’t really care at all in any shape or form. I also would not feel like less of a man either as well and I won’t be a jackass to my significant other about it, because if I am mean to my signifcant other, then that will brake the code of being a gentleman. I am a person who is very tolerant and if you enjoy what you do for a living, keep up the good work. Just don’t worry too much about what you make and enjoy what you do mainly.

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 12:43am

  205. 205: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    KC – Thank you for the male perspective! Rori

    Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 11:56am

  206. 206: nonameNo Gravatar says:

    Reply to article

    sounds like he is hard working..
    and you are writing this article to show off your awesome boyfriend.. id keep him and respect him.. it doesn’t matter how much he makes cause he is working hard for you and your daughter

    Thursday, 26 April 2012 @ 10:49pm

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