Here’s a letter from Grace, who’s with a man who’s “interacting” with other women through emails and Facebook. Grace is understandably distraught:
“Rori, Help! I’m freaking out…
My man Joe talks with other women on line. He says it’s about friendship, he just needs to do it, and he’s not having sex or anything like that with any of them, and I just need to accept it.
I couldn’t help myself – I wrote to one woman that Joe had sexual emails with. I wrote to her woman to woman. We had an awesome, compassionate exchange.
And then he texted me ‘Why are you writing to people? Who else of my FB friends are you writing to?’
I told him I don’t like being lied to.
He said he doesn’t like being spied on.
So now I”M the bad guy in all this.
I feel horrible and crappy and anxious and really dirty. Please help, Grace”
The work here is in really going into all the part of you that are feeling so many things: Tthe little, scared part of you that you – big Grace – allowed to take Grace over (just like letting a two-year old run you).
The part of you that felt compelled to call and then followed through with that call…
The part of you that’s tolerating being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…
The part that feels furious and enraged.
The part of you that feels guilty…
The part of you that keeps blaming yourself and punishing yourself…
The part of you that’s so mad at you for tolerating this situation…
Get those parts of you involved here.
Find out what’s going on inside you – what war between all those parts and their voices is taking place – and see if you can dialogue with all of them – one at a time.
Talk to the parts of your body (I love the “Body Dialogues” in my Heart Connection Toolkit…they will help you so much…)
And then forgive everything – all the parts of you, all voices in your head, all the things you think, do, say…anything that isn’t the way you want it to be…
And then – let the part of you that could apologize for going there (to making that call to the “other woman”), let it go and just apologize to him – because getting into “his business” is a useless waste of your time, makes you feel awful, and dumps your self-esteem in the trash can.
Never mind what it does to him or the relationship, because there is absolutely no place in a relationship for this kind of secrets and lying! Period.
Saying what you said to him is perfect.
Now – on the other hand - fighting for a man – and for total honesty – is okay if that’s the experiment you want to try.
This is YOUR life.
If you want to confront other women (and this was a good learning experience, here) and confront him – and fight for him by telling him he can’t do that and have you, too – and that you want him and you’re going to fight for him….well – then try that. Then gauge the results for yourself.
Feelings are just feelings – allow yourself to feel them and talk to all those parts of you that feel all those things…and then see if you can let your bigger self that can HOLD ALL of those parts and voices inside you go ahead, get big and HOLD them all.
You can LIVE with all those parts and feelings.
Practice giving love to EVERYTHING inside you, and then go do something you LOVE!
Living with a man, on the other hand, who’s always triggering your worst-feeling feelings is not something I’d want for you.