If you can look at Circular Dating as gathering data instead of as trying to make something happen – you’ll move much faster, feel much better – and actually have fun!
Circular Dating is a mindset, a complete sort of “reframing” of the whole idea of “dating,” an attitude, with a very nuts-and-bolts way of working your life in public.
Here are some ways to think about how to USE men in your life to HELP you – instead of trying to “get” from them the love, affection, attention and commitment they should actually be REQUIRED to WANT to give to you—in order to have the privilege of being with you:
1. Keep reinforcing the mental and intellectual idea to your MIND that Circular Dating will help you UNDO your old patterns –
The idea is: Your old ways of thinking, feeling and responding to men, the way you’ve been trained to “be” with men – have all been working AGAINST you.
And you want to cut-and-paste all your instincts, skills, behaviors, words –everything to do and say that expresses yourself out in the world.
You want to jettison some of your old systems of relating and responding and speaking and doing and being, and you want to shift some of them. And some you want to completely reverse.
And still, we don’t want to beat those things you’ve been thinking, doing and saying up.
We don’t want to judge them – we want to BUILD WITH them. To USE what you’ve already got in your personal warehouse. To FIND a way to use them. We want to use EVERYTHING you’ve ever learned, ever known, ever seen, ever experienced – to HELP you get to a NEW place.
We want to make MORE of you – not less.
For instance – if you’re going on a car journey – knowing how to drive is helpful (even if you have to re-learn and re-do some driving skills…).
**Also – on Monday, February 10th, you can get personal help from me in my next Love Forever teleclass in the Love Forever program – go here to learn how Love Forever works, and how you can get immediate answers to your situation:
2. Keep convincing YOURSELF of the elegance of this fact: That to undo old patterns that aren’t working – you have to discover and uncover those patterns.
What you’re going for here is a string of “aha” moments.
Convince yourself of the truth that – Getting new information and knowledge into your head, processed with your brain, through analysis and thought will do you only so much good. ( We all know how frustrating it is to KNOW something but just not be able to shift it…).
Make it up, if you have to, until you have the actual EVIDENCE (and you will, quickly, as you Circular Date with this new mindset) to keep you going – that this will be true for you:
3. To undo the patterns once you’ve discovered them – You have to EXPERIENCE the little discoveries with your whole mind/heart/body/spirit.
This means you have to:
>>>Welcome – in fact INVITE – being triggered.
>>>Be constantly in “investigation” mode.
Ask yourself questions like “How do I feel?” and “Why am I here” and “who is this man and why is he here in front of me?”
>>>You have to catch when you’re giving to “get”
Because your being a “giving” person will make any man who is a natural “giver” NOT be attracted to you!
A man who wants to give needs a woman who is willing to receive. And for most of us – love only feels like it’s happening when we give.
And so we have to practice.
4. Circular Dating is all about your practice.
>>>First – simply practice NOT giving (this is where the “toads” come in very, very handy for practice, because it makes not giving easier, less intense, less scary).
>>>Then, you practice RECEIVING… which looks and feels like you opening your heart.
(This step requires a man a little more attractive to you than a “toad” – but not so attractive that it makes opening your heart too intense, chancy and scary.)
So – again – you don’t really need your dream man to show up right away for your practice. (He will, anyway, when you least expect it, and you won’t likely recognize him as your dream man right off anyway.) The thing here is for you to NOT stop practicing when he shows up (or when you think it’s him showing up).
The thing is to practice for life.
And all along the way of practice:
5. You’re going to feel stuff.
You’re going to feel stuff you want to feel (thrills and chills and fun) and stuff you don’t want to feel (…well, grief, for one thing…, because as things change and you start down different roads that will lead you to new, love-filled places…you feel in limbo. In Transit. You feel grief for the old road. Really, truly, we do feel grief at leaving our old roads behind).
6. Circular Dating is “school.”
It’s “Love 101.” It’s – “How did I get to this place marked “No Love” – and how do I switch course and get myself to the place marked “Plenty of Love?”
Forever is just a bunch of moments strung together. One after the other. And the only way to experience that is to start treasuring the experiencing of MOMENTS. Each one, one at a time.
So, if you have an experience with a man – even a 10 second encounter – I want you to HONOR that. I want you to investigate what went on during those 10 seconds – and be curious about what happened, about the man, and about you. The way to break the old patterns of behavior is to try new ones.
And then …yes …you’ve opened up a new door in the pathways of your life.
You’ve opened up a place where you can choose between behaviors, where there may never have been a choice before.
Yes, you may be attracted to “bad boys,” you might go down some wrong roads, you may get stuck, you may go so far into great new things you scare yourself silly – but you can choose to not feel helpless before all that and just keep going to Circular Dating School.
It’s a home study course, and you are the teacher, the manager and the student. Love is your field of interest, and men are in the field.
Men are all in the laboratory out there, And because they’re participating with you in your home study course – they are both the elements of it, the experiment of it, the study subjects of it and your teachers of it, your free therapists of it, your providers of experience of it, your study partners of it, your messengers of it, your school friends of it, your lovers of it. They’re the backdrop and the action and the population of your “story” every moment of every day.
Use them as they wish to be used – for the good of love and for the good of you. If you’re always practicing speaking the truth – then what is good for love and good for you will be good for them, too.
Don’t ever hold a man up higher than you hold yourself. Practice letting the men in the field into your heart until you feel so solid inside that the fear of letting ‘em all see who you are just drops away.
***Note: A new Teleclass in my “Love Forever” Membership Series is coming up on Monday, February 10th. If you’d like to get YOUR questions answered, and get personal coaching around your unique situation by writing to me directly, in real time, from your computer during live class (plus get instant access to over 20 recorded hours of the Love Forever program!) go here to learn more about how Love Forever works: