Yea, it really seems like a difficult situation.

I’ve gotten so good at walking away when things feel bad, and now that I can’t do that, I’m having to look at what else I can do while being authentic! (this is great, because I can use it to grow!)

Yes, I am dating- Its hard though, b/c I am still attracting low quality men, I’ve been examining this and practicing with them when they show up, but definitely no one I would want to see consistently.

I guess if I can get to a place where I truly don’t care, even if I don’t have sombody there with me, it wouldn’t matter what was going on, but I just don’t want to be violating my boundaries, going along with something that’s gonna damage me, but I guess if I truly don’t feel bad about it, its not damaging me…

I did look at switching gigs, nothing has surfaced yet…

I got the feeling that he thought I was being childish when I told him I felt uncomfortable, like he thoguht I was gonna ask/tell him to do something about it. And yes, it does feel sorta weird. I actually feel guilt about it too.

I don’t want to ask him to do anything about it, but if I feel weird, I want to express that, if the feeling is too intense and I feel myself unable to find a better feeling…

I feel so confused right now…

It’s not easy. The biggest celebrities around go through this constantly. There are, to me, only 2 ways out of this:

1. DATE!! and get a new boyfriend you really like who can hang out with you so you don’t care…

This is the fastest, easiest way.

2. Quit this gig and get another. I know this sounds harsh – leaving your job because of an uncomfortable love situation – but think about it and consider it here.

What if this is a message? What if he’s “kicking you out of the nest”? What if there’s a much BETTER gig, with a much BIGGER church just around the corner?

If you can at least consider these 2 options, instead of trying to find a way to live with this…you will feel better.

You can always ask him not to let her be backstage with you, that it still feels bad and it throws you off balance. I can’t imagine that he could say no to that – but you’ll feel weird about it anyway – and it’s not the best option.

Love, Rori

I would love some input on this…
The guy I work with ( we are both paid church musicians) that I was involved with, he wants to be just friends…
( all of this happened a year ago, I was in involved with him for a little over a year, he started dating a new girl about 9 months ago…)

Well, I haven’t been there for a ‘friendship.’ I’m trying to get this thing down, where I work with him professionally when I used to be involved with him.
He’s dating now, he wants to be friends
and she wants to be my friend, too, and I’m like NOO.

I don’t want to have him as a casual friend. And I don’t want to hang out with them together, because it feels bad and sometimes I get the feeling that he’s trying to compare us side-by-side, and I REFUSE to compete with another woman.

SO…I’ve been walking away if I see her coming…and I’ve been turning down offers from him to do things together, because I don’t want to be his casual friend.

We work in an off-limits area of the church, in which only musicians are allowed. Its just the two of us for our particular services, though, so we are alone. But this past week, the girl he’s dating i came upstairs to sit with him, and at first I really didn’t feel anything negative, I didn’t feel angry because I haven’t been putting any effort out…but then at Sign of Peace they exchanged a kiss, and then I felt a little uncomfortable, like a 3rd wheel…

Before the kiss, as tension really started to mount, I said I feel a little weird, and I think he said “yeah, me too.” After the kiss, I said ” I feel really uncomfortable. This feels bad, I don’t feel comfortable.” He then asked why, immediately understood why, and kinda rolled his eyes.

So how can I walk away now? If she’s upstairs with us, Its not like I can walk away, because I’m working, and more than that I’m fulfilling my calling and my ministry, so I don’t want to stop…

I feel like I did everything I could at church; I spoke how I was feeling when I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t get dramatic, I didn’t attack him or blame him, but I did let him know that I was feeling weird…

I don’t know whose decision it was for her to sit upstairs, but I don’t want to be there with them together and I don’t want to be there ’side-by-side’ with her; I don’t want him to have the opportunity to even think of comparing us while we are in the same room, because it makes me feel like I’m vying for his attention and I don’t feel like competing….

But now I can’t just walk away….

What do you think? Am I overreacting? Should I not care if he compares us? Or if she’s up there with us?

I would love to hear some insight. I can feel myself tensing up over what to do if it happens again, but I guess I won’t know til I see how I feel in that moment…

Feel excited reading this back and forth opinions, ideas, questions, feelings…

When I was young, I did what I wanted to do sexually. I am more sexually exclusive now – this is not because I now feel my behavior of the past was wrong – I was just enjoying my youth, sexuality, and experimenting.

What I did understand is that in our culture – a woman gets labeled for honoring and enjoying her sexuality in the way that a man is permitted to do (without labels). Therefore, I did practice discretion. At the time of my sexual exploration, I remember a close friend saying, “you do everything I do and more, but I’m the slut and everyone still talks about you like you are little miss goodie 2 shoes.” She was not discreet in her sexual adventures and it seemed like the men that I was with didn’t talk about what we did – they sort of protected me that way – not sure why.

I don’t regret my past behavior of enjoying my sexual freedom – I learned a lot about myself sexually and emotionally. I do think each woman is entitled to figure it out for herself. Women and men are very different and not all men are OK with casual sex and they need an emotional connection and not all women are NOT OK with casual sex and immediately want marriage on the table.

The most important thing is that no person, male or female should EVER feel pushed to do something s/he does or doesn’t want to do. I know of men that had their fathers actually try to take them to prostitutes when they were young to have their first sexual encounter and the guys wanted nothing to do with it but then their sexual preference was questioned. This is wrong. My own father had given us a book on sex (positions and all) – I guess this was his way of having a “sex talk.” My brothers wouldn’t look at it – I did. I was just more curious than they were.

I’m still curious and enjoy buying books about both sex and romance to enjoy myself to the fullest. Reason why I also love Rori and all of you so much – I also want my playful, sexy, passionate relationship to be HEALTHY emotionally. that is when I know the dream relationship can become my reality. Still learning : )