My husband’s away for a bit, with his family on the east coast, and I opted to stay home and create a lovely “retreat” for myself.
This morning he called, it was a nice talk, I said I miss you and he said nothing back, just kept talking about something else, then I said I love you, and he said nothing back, just went ahead talking about stuff, finishing up the call, I said “…if you don’t tell me you love me I’m going to be mad….”
He backtracked and of course said it….whewwweee….
How weird are emotions?
Lesson – never say I love you unless you’re positive you’re not expecting anything in return – which is NEVER going to happen…because it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to notice that a man doesn’t say it back….so even after all these years, I still have to be cool and lean back…
I walk my talk, and I shared with him on the next call (he started calling even more often and saying I love you for sure…) how weird all that felt, and that I didn’t want him to feel obligated to say he loves me, but that it feels really bad when he doesn’t – so how is this landing for him?
So he told me he didn’t feel any obligation – (guess what – men DON’T feel obligated!!! That’s a “woman” thing we’ve been taught and fed and made to feel guilty about…) and I realized at that moment that I was making something out of nothing.
Exactly like I talk about here.
I really, really wanted him to say I love you.
It was so important to me, apparently, that I was waiting for it. I was noticing the absense of it. I cared whether he said it or not.
I was feeling all kinds of things, with him not there with me.
I had all kinds of expectations and conflicting feelings. I felt angry – even though I had no “cause” to be angry. I felt frustrated. I felt sad. I felt happy. I felt all kinds of things and was only aware of some of them.
But it all comes down to ONE THING.
I could easily have processed my feelings. There on the call with him, or after…I could have written here about it, or journalled, or cried, or danced and sang or drawn and painted or gone somewhere or channeled in so many ways.
But, instead – I said I love you first.
I tried to get him to say it by saying it first.
This wasn’t walking my talk. This was an old thing coming up.
I wasn’t truly sharing my feelings, expressing myself.
It wasn’t love I was talking – it was – “I’ll say it and then YOU’LL say it!”
I was trying to GET him to say it.
I didn’t know it at the time.
I thought I was just being loving.
I thought I didn’t really have an agenda.
I thought I didn’t really care if he said it or not after all these 20 plus years together.
I knew he loves me, and so I thought I didn’t feel insecure or WANT anything from him. And so I said it.
And guess what. I was wrong.
I felt like every other woman on the planet who says I love you first. I felt BAD. I felt stupid.
I felt those things because he didn’t respond quickly enough. He didn’t get the message. He didn’t pick up on the clue.
And so – I started feeling MORE things.
Now – imagine if we do this all day long. With our man, our children, our friends. What if there’s ALWAYs a hidden agenda?
What if we’re not all as “together” as we seem to be or think we are?
What if simple things like affection and attention and words are NOT so very simple?
What if everything’s some kind of signal to our more primitive, old-habit brain?
I re-discovered that, for me at least – that’s the truth.
I didn’t just cancel out my entire programming and habits. I may have replaced them with much better skills and more awareness and knowledge and love of myself – but – those Nasty Voices and inner pressures are still THERE.
They don’t go away.
So – the trick here is to catch it when it happens.
I caught it. I spoke what I caught.
I wish I could have laughed, but I didn’t feel that – I felt silly, but not in a fun sort of way. Later I laughed, and now I’m telling you so I can feel the bitterweetness of how even the smallest thing can trigger us.
So here’s the deal: Have faith that the Tools work. Maybe not instantly, at every moment, exactly the way you want them to – at your fingertips ready to go into action – but once you catch something, and get an awareness you didn’t have before – everything shifts.
The old habits get fuzzier, and the new skills and powers and depth of real feeling come forward and fill your energy with more light and clarity.
And this can happen especially when you make a “mistake.”
Saying and doing something that ends up making you feel bad because it actually started as an old habit thought – still – that can open up a NEW door for you. Like this little thing did for me.
No matter what – you still cannot say I love you first.
Yes – You must open your heart first. Always. You must be like an open book with the pages that are you – flying free for everyone to see. The colorful ones and the black and white ones, and the empty ones, too.
But the words. The words come from places we don’t always see.
If I had said: ” I’m noticing that I’m sort of waiting for you to say I love you. This feels really weird after being with you so long…” – that would have been different. That would have been my book open.
But, instead – I tried for a higher spiritual plane where it didn’t “matter” that I said it first. And I discovered that I said it as a “trick.”
So – look for YOUR tricks – start to notice them when you want to do them.
I’ll be working right alongside you, doing my Tools, waving my arms in the water and the air like the Siren I am, floating in the sweet, flosing waters of myself, and picturing you doing the same.