Special Report: Its Never Too Late for Love! From Orna And Matthew Walters

   

orna-and-matthewAs you know, I love and support Orna and Matthew – and so here’s a guest post from them with a notice of an upcoming event!

by Orna and Matthew Walters

We’ve heard from many people since we started relationship coaching asking us if it is too late for them to find love. The funny thing is these questions come from people in their 30’s all the way up to their 60’s. All of them believe that because they haven’t found lasting love yet, that it may not be in the cards for them. This is one myth we’d love to bust for all of you!

Love is so vast and limitless that it can be difficult to wrap our minds around it. Our brain attempts to make love tangible and therefore limited and this is not based in any universal law or truth.

We started dating and got married after 40 and many people said that we were “lucky.” The facts are that we both made plenty of mistakes in love.  In fact, we often joke that we became relationship experts because between the two of us we had made every mistake you could in love.

The truth is we both did the inner work required of us to be open to receive love. Here are some of the actions we took to create love in our lives:

1.  We learned from the mistakes of past relationships.

Most people look at relationships that didn’t work out as failures. They respond to heartbreak by saying “Never again!” and either feel blame for screwing it up or blame their partner for not being enough. Instead look at each relationship as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Find the Golden Nugget of why this person showed up in your life and what did you learn in your time with them.

2.  We were clear on what we wanted.

This doesn’t mean we had lists that described how tall, what color hair, or how much money our soul mate would have. We looked at what values were important to us, how would we like to feel when we were with our soul mate and what kind of relationship we would we create together.

3.  We took different actions.

There is an old saying that goes “If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.” If you continue the same dating patterns, looking for love in the same places, how can you expect to have a different outcome. Take a class in something new, join a different online dating site, or work with a coach.

It is never too late for love! The desire in your in heart exists because it can be fulfilled. The Truth is that it doesn’t matter if we believe there is a chance for you to meet someone, all that matters is what YOU believe is possible for you.

We live in a society obsessed with youth. Do not let this cultural addiction affect your mindset around love. How long do you plan to live?  With medical advances, it is likely many of us currently in our 40s and 50s will live to and past 100. Does this change your perception?

We do not subscribe to the belief that love is about luck and chance.  We believe that our inside creates our outside; our beliefs about ourselves and the world create what we experience.

No man is going to make you feel better about yourself.  The inner work that we guide our clients through allows them to feel good about themselves.  Feeling good about themselves allows them to attract a better partner, a good match, and create a True Soul Partnership.  This is the process of creating love on purpose – it is deep inner work, which creates powerful profound shifts in our client’s ability to manifest what they desire.

Love is not something you have to seek out, discover, or “fall” into – rather, its energy is there for you at any moment that you surrender to its calling and open to receive its gentle embrace. Once realized that the source of the love you seek is inside of you, no one can take it away from you.

Orna and Matthew Walters are Master Relationship Coaches and are dedicated to busting the myth that love is supposed to happen by accident. You can catch them as guest experts on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker airing January 29th. More info on Orna and Matthew at their website www.CreatingLoveOnPurpose.com

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576 Comments to “Special Report: Its Never Too Late for Love! From Orna And Matthew Walters”

  1. 1: StarbrightNo Gravatar says:

    Lovely message in this post!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 8:26am

  2. 2: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    The only lame thing about being the first to comment is that it doesn’t seem appropriate to jump right into typing unrelated comments about how your life is going…

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 8:26am

  3. 3: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Why not Starla?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 8:27am

  4. 4: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    because there’s a clear topic and an empty floor for it to be addressed. Seems like that should be honored?

    i dunno.

    um so anyway i had a nice weekend… it’s been crazy… my life is just getting better and better. the photoshoot and interview with the magazine were a great time. Really nervewracking and it stretched me outside my comfort zone, but in the best way possible.

    I got to see someone who used to post here, too! She is a lot of fun and I like being around her.

    And then, for the first time ever, and after insisting for “just this once,” I drove to QZ’s city. He showed me where he lives and took me for a nature walk in the middle of town (cool!) and then took me to have dinner with his friends. Then we went to his friend’s house and played a board game… I had a great time and we are just falling more and more in love every single day.

    i did feel pretty pissed at him about something on saturday, but he wouldn’t let it turn into a big deal. in the end it was just a misunderstanding and he was such a rock while my mind was spinning out of control. it felt so safe and good. i love being with him.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 8:46am

  5. 5: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, all – I’m going to go more into depth in this later on – I just want you all to know I see the Law Of Attraction discussion going on here, and Annie and Dominique as flash points. And, as a survivor of rape and violent crime, and a crisis counselor helping women through that experience – I have a lot to say around it.

    Sometimes, these things are difficult to put into words in a way that another person can understand and “grok” what it feels like to the person who’s writing. It’s as though we each are filtering everything through our own experience.

    And that’s what makes us so valuable to ourselves and each other, and helps us see that perception is in the eye of the beholder, and that perception itself is not so very valuable.

    I do want to throw in here that “The Impossible” is my favorite movie this year. I actually found it uplifting – even through the immense tragedy. It, for me, addressed my deep confusion with how to see everything as God while little children and animals suffer. It does not make sense, and there’s no way to make sense out of it.

    As a human being wanting to evolve to a place where, even if I can never UNDERSTAND these things, I can still feel a sense of peace, safety and love, and contribute that peace, safety and love to the world so that as many humans as possible can feel it also, I am most interested in doing my part to lift up the world by lifting up myself, first.

    I do NOT subscribe to the Law Of Attraction theory as is mostly put out there, and I do NOT think at all about “manifesting.”

    For me, it’s all about love. And protection, and feeling a wanting to protect myself is not the place I want to start.

    More later.

    Love, Rori

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 8:53am

  6. 6: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Once realized that the source of the love you seek is inside of you, no one can take it away from you.”

    I feel so happy and grateful to have experienced this and to now have gotten to that place in my life.

    I would love to help others heal and get to also get to that place.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:09am

  7. 7: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    feeling a wanting to protect myself is not the place I want to start.

    Yayyy

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:10am

  8. 8: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori says.

    “I do NOT subscribe to the Law Of Attraction theory as is mostly put out there, and I do NOT think at all about “manifesting.”

    I feel the same way.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:13am

  9. 9: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Looking forward to hearing your views on Rori
    In case you missed it Calypso, I feel deligted about your dates with Hound
    :)
    You sound pretty good too Starla

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:13am

  10. 10: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Love the new thread. I’ve felt that way myself before. :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:19am

  11. 11: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t think we can manifest things but I do believe in faith and hope. I also believe that we do attract what we put out. I have a couple of friends that are so sweet, so positive that it makes me feel good when I’m around them. They “draw” people to them by their innate goodness. I would like to be that person that others like want to be around because I’m positive, loving, happy and uplifting.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:22am

  12. 12: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    11
    Lori
    yes yes yes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:24am

  13. 13: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    I shared some experiences I’ve had with men trying to follow me home from the train, grabbing my butt as I’m walking down the street, & reaching out just to touch me, with a cd last night, & he responded by telling me that I’m manifesting these experiences. I strongly disagreed with him. I don’t live my life seeking these experiences out on ANY level. I also don’t hold all men guilty for these few incidences.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:36am

  14. 14: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori says

    “Sometimes, these things are difficult to put into words in a way that another person can understand and “grok” what it feels like to the person who’s writing. It’s as though we each are filtering everything through our own experience.

    And that’s what makes us so valuable to ourselves and each other, and helps us see that perception is in the eye of the beholder, and that perception itself is not so very valuable.”

    I love that I have learn’t a new word here ‘grok’ and how I want to go deeper on this.
    I want to ask myself the question
    Do my words or anyone elses have the power to facilitate in another person being developmentally able to reach the stage of ‘grok’ or grokking?

    My answer.
    Yes I believe they do have that potential power, but accept it still may not happen, I feel accepting although at times it feels frustrating that I have no control over if it happens or not. As I am not able to teach understanding.

    And I would like to thank you Rori, for being one of the people who have facilitated me in understanding that if what I want is for other people to know what something feels like to me and be able to really see me and know me and be able to understand what is is like for me. Then my best chance of this happening is for me to be truly authentic in front of them and express how something makes me feel and what I want and then take appropriate loving action for myself, moment by moment.

    Ty Rori.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:45am

  15. 15: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes it feels intolerable to me to watch certain films or dramas or read certain books.
    As it is if I am experiencing and feeling the same emotions as each individual character. And at time it just feels too distressing or overwhelming for me.

    And the same happens in real life if I am around people in certain situations.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:54am

  16. 16: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Of course we can manifest things

    I feel like someone is telling me the world is flat when they say it’s not true.

    I like the way we have different perspectives about the world and life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:00am

  17. 17: Memulo says:

    My cd calls me every night and is talking already about moving in together. I can’t CD anyone else if hexes checking on me daily

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:01am

  18. 18: Memulo says:

    FW, yes, only dating or not, whatever was convenient at every turn. Good for him!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:03am

  19. 19: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Annie 15

    I am the same way. I cry a lot when I watch TV/movies. Even at the commercials. I also get stressed out by it.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:03am

  20. 20: Memulo says:

    Hey Starla, how’s it going?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:05am

  21. 21: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, everything’s just amazing, thanks. I can’t believe it. Things get better and better.

    How are you?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:13am

  22. 22: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori for featuring us here! We love and support you too!

    For all the ladies, here is our Love Note of the Week which coincides with our guest post:

    Love does not have a deadline; it is always available to you no matter your age, your appearance, or your past history.

    It may seem easy to get in the trap of thinking that because you haven’t found lasting love yet, that it’s just not in the cards for you. We want you to know that love does not discriminate. Love does not care whether you’ve made mistakes in the past, or whether you’ve had your heart broken. Love is always available to you. Love just wants you to love yourself and know that what is inside of you is always available outside of you.

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:23am

  23. 23: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens

    I suppose I don’t subscribe to any particular “laws”. I take bits of what other people think and have written about, and weigh it and keep what I want, and what works for me, and leave the rest. I love it when I find someone where I “keep” most of what they say and advocate (like Rori and Dominique :) )

    I would like to know if anyone has any helpful advice or articles on dealing with feeling threatened by other women in your man’s life. I’m not talking about him cheating, or being inappropriate, I’m talking about women who you know intuitively are actually *not* a legitimate threat, but you feel jealous. I battle a bit around this.

    Anyone?

    Tks xx

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:28am

  24. 24: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, hi!

    “I would like to know if anyone has any helpful advice or articles on dealing with feeling threatened by other women in your man’s life. I’m not talking about him cheating, or being inappropriate, I’m talking about women who you know intuitively are actually *not* a legitimate threat, but you feel jealous. I battle a bit around this.”

    I go through this…. I go through this A LOT.

    What I’m trying to do now is channel my jealousy into upgrading myself. When I feel threatened, I turn that energy toward making myself even better.

    I also turn it into a game where I try to “out-girl” the woman who is making me feel threatened.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:30am

  25. 25: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @5 Rori – I love this so much. I felt so strange reading the dialogue on the last thread, because I could see what each “side” was saying, and could see each party triggering each other.

    I felt a little guilty too, because I felt that I was too “negative” earlier on in the thread, with my “observations of the world we live in.”

    There is good and bad in this world, it’s true. but I truly want to focus on the good, and I want to grow that good and BE that good.

    So thankful for you, Rori, Dominique, and lovely ladies who have all overcome so much!

    We are truly amazing!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:51am

  26. 26: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, Starla, thank you.

    I feel really impressed at your approach! I really admire that you are able to grab hold of the energy in that moment and turn it to yourself.

    This is very cool. I would love to get to that point. Or at least to the point where the feeling doesn’t make my head spin :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 10:55am

  27. 27: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    25 indigo just fake it till you make it. you’re in control of you.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:02am

  28. 28: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Indigo, I would love to understand this too. It happens to me a lot- and it’s really not logical. Why an ordinarily secure, confident woman who knows her value feels “threatened” by other women, constantly.

    I’m curious to see what others say because I struggle with this too. I’ve always felt it was an instinctual thing but maybe some women don’t have this issue…I’d love to hear from others on this topic. So far it’s me, you and Starla commenting on it, and we all have the same problem, lol.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:33am

  29. 29: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    CS and Indigo 27, I’m not one to be threatened by other women in that way. Maybe because I have really good guy friends myself. We’ve never been intimate, just close friends. I know that K has female friends which was fine with me. If he wanted to be more, he would have been.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:37am

  30. 30: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Im not confident, so cant comment

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:44am

  31. 31: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post. It is so encouraging!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:45am

  32. 32: Memulo says:

    Starla, so happy to hear that!!

    I’m alright on the surface and not so happy in reality;) my cd is very attentive and I feel cared for and somewhat controlled. Don’t know how to deal with this yet. Went on a date last night and kind of liked the guy. I am not a happy camper these days;)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:50am

  33. 33: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo I would really talk to myself about feeling “somewhat controlled”

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:54am

  34. 34: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo
    But do you enjoy your times with him?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 11:56am

  35. 35: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    yay memulo i’m glad to hear you’re going out with more men.

    i don’t want you settling for one who’s not right for you just cuz being alone is a sucky alternative

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:02pm

  36. 36: TamNo Gravatar says:

    27 Curvy, you can join me into it. I also feel threatened by other women in certain types of relationship scenarios…but mostly I have noticed in socialising situations I feel triggered by how my man behaves around women…for example if one comes onto him and he plays with that.
    In that case (and that has happened) I felt awful.
    Recently, as you know, I have been with a guy who has always got women around him, 24/7 and always coming onto him in one way or another. He is also a pretty good flirt. I did not feel threatened ever because for all his faults, he would always make it quite clear that I was there with him..and might have chatted for a bit but mainly almost ignored other women or demonstratively kissed me or put his arm around me in the middle of the flirting…so I never ever felt threatened, thay were just sometimes irritating, like noisy flies buzzing around my head.
    But yeah, feeling threatened…or a little jealous..or insecure. Yep.
    I know those feelings well…though less so now than I used to, much much less.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:29pm

  37. 37: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:
    Caro – only tweak I would make is this…He said he wanted to talk, and you shut him down. I understand that, and if you really didn’t want to hear, the tweak would be, I don’t want to talk about it. This is about language here. Everything you say has a tinge of “direction” in it…”Let’s not…I don’t think we need to…let’s talk some other time…” And THIS is what I’d like to see you switch out for Feeling Messages. It just makes it harder to connect…it’s not warm, and just changing this much might make all the difference for you in your whole love life …he’ll be here when you get back, and you can practice on all those Englishmen! Love, Rori

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:30pm

  38. 38: Memulo says:

    Ruth,

    Yes I enjoy it in a way – he is nice to me and I feel cared for and protected. I don’t feel inspired with him. Si I feel like I am using him, I feel guilty.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:34pm

  39. 39: Memulo says:

    Starla, but how do you do it without hurting someone?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:36pm

  40. 40: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo

    You mean you’d rather “hurt” yourself by shutting down your options to spare a man’s feelings, even if he’s not clearly your forever guy (and stepping up to boot)?

    Just cuz he’s stepping up doesn’t mean you owe him anything.

    i dunno… i’m worried about you… sorry to say

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:41pm

  41. 41: TamNo Gravatar says:

    39 Starla, good point. I get lost too when guys are stepping up and clearly very much into me. I either want to run if I don’t like them or feel like I owe them something if I like them a little bit. It also makes me feel good when someone cares about me especially when I feel lonely.
    That’s really a bit needy but I am fully aware of it.
    I mean, really, I already know Curly is not for me at all but I kind of like how I ‘have him’..and that is so bad. Urgh.
    I mean, yesterday he behaved pretty craply in the end..and then apologized profusely, complete with a case and road block with doggie and car…and him. It was pretty funny and cute.
    But he had pissed me off so much that I just waved my hand and said ‘go now’.
    Haha.
    It’s like I am playing with the attention and so so unfair. So I just let him go now.
    But yeah, it is tempting to bathe in the sunlight of a man who’s trying to make you his even though you know he is totally wrong….and then feeling guilty for it. Oh well!!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 12:51pm

  42. 42: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:
    Emma, Welcome, and you are NOT in a committed relationship. He KNOWS he has no right to all your time and loyalty. You don’t need to tell him anything. If you make a date with someone and so can’t see him when he asks, and he asks you…say you have a date with someone else. Then give him the No Boyfriend speech and remind him it was he who said he didn’t want a committed relationship, so you’re following his lead. Everyone will help you here. Love, Rori

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:00pm

  43. 43: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I haven’t read the post yet but Rori, I do want to say I love this:

    “As a human being wanting to evolve to a place where, even if I can never UNDERSTAND these things, I can still feel a sense of peace, safety and love, and contribute that peace, safety and love to the world so that as many humans as possible can feel it also, I am most interested in doing my part to lift up the world by lifting up myself, first.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:11pm

  44. 44: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Great post! And I love this line (so I’m putting it on my board for the week):

    “We believe that our inside creates our outside; our beliefs about ourselves and the world create what we experience.”

    Beautiful!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:15pm

  45. 45: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Please can I have some help with feeling messages?

    I’ve been chatting to a guy, and because I felt him man enough to handle it I unleashed my feisty wit on him.

    He has responded with high moral stances and strong opinions on political subjects. Yikes!

    Part of me wants to engage, and yet I see where that would lead. I don’t want to get into my head when talking with a man.

    So, what to say? I have written “I am on your side. I don’t need convincing. I’m sorry if I activated a political discussion. I’d feel better talking about fun and adventure…”

    What say you, lovely sirens?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:15pm

  46. 46: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori Raye says:
    Temtem, Welcome, and you’re not going to like my advice. You’ve put this man off by chasing him. And by being jealous. these are all symptoms of low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is just not attractive to a man. When you make a man the center of your world…you practically kill the attraction and romance. PLEASE learn about Circular Dating here and DO IT. We’ll all help you beef yourself up inside, by working on yourself “out in the field.” Love, Rori

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:18pm

  47. 47: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose: I’m probably not much help here because I LOVE having those conversations with J but for what its worth, I think the one you have is really good. Maybe a little too long?? Maybe just “As lovely as political discussions can be, I feel better talking about fun and adventure…” and maybe a wink and a smile. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:20pm

  48. 48: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    I do manifest daily. I am not only a creator of my own reality, I am THE creator of my own reality. Meaning I have full control over how I view and receive and respond to everything that shows up in my life. It is a powerful way to live. However, I can see how it may be hard to swallow without a lot of dilution.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:21pm

  49. 49: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I’m so excited! K reached out to me today by email while he’s out of town on business. Said he wanted to touch bases and see how me and my son are doing and hoping that all is well. :) I’m a happy girl.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:21pm

  50. 50: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose I believe unleashing feisty wit might get a man into his logical brain. I believe you did fine the way you responded. The ball is now in his court. My only tweak might have been appreciating his powerful passion for things he is interested in. Maybe because I like men who carry powerful energy. I find that very attractive.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:23pm

  51. 51: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lori what was your response?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:24pm

  52. 52: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    GlowStix: I manifest as well though I prefer to think of them as blessings from God. I’m not sure about daily but I want that and I hope to continue to grow my focus on it to the point where I am doing it all the time.

    I also am THE creator of my own reality. That is very, very true which is why, when I see a limiting belief that does not serve me well (many DO, in my opinion, serve me well so I’m not referring to those) I work on changing it. :-)

    Got a ways to go but I’m on a journey…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:25pm

  53. 53: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: YAY!! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:27pm

  54. 54: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Manifesting is not just about sitting there and wishin and hopin and thinkin and prayin. It’s a lot more. A lot of solid belief that even a violent and unforgiving universe is full of love and adoration and I am a piece of it. A part of the whole. It is a lot of appreciation and gratitude and realizing there is no such thing as “negative”. It’s just a word to describe feelings that are intense or powerful or scary or overwhelming or painful. All things happen as they should. This is my religion and the Universe is akin to my God.
    And it’s definitely not a belief to force on someone.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:28pm

  55. 55: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Gorgeous Goddess Ladies

    I feel SO excited to invite you to a very special call with me tomorrow night when the topic will be all about the juicy, loving, Goddess-y, WOW part of your relationship with your man – SEX.

    As some of you know, I just launched my brand NEW video program last week -

    The Goddess Way ~

    The Art of Embodying Your True Essence ~

    Discover Your Feminine Power While Deepening Intimacy With Your Man

    I will be conducting weekly calls for a awhile around the topics in this AMAZING program.

    And this week’s topic will be SEX.

    I will first be interviewed by my dear friend, Mary, who is also a client as well as my genius website designer and marketing strategist.

    I will then be opening lines for questions. Ask me ANYTHING. You can remain anonymous if you feel more comfortable.

    The call will run for around 30 minutes and will be tomorrow – Tuesday, January 29 at 5:30 western time, 8:30 eastern

    Dial in # – 1-862-902-0100

    Conference Code – 157203

    This call will be recorded, so if you cannot make it live and would like to listen, I will open the recorded call to the public through the weekend, Sunday February 2.

    Details will follow.

    I would LOVE to have you on this special call. Please join me!!!

    Dominique

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:29pm

  56. 56: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    (((mercedes)))

    I limit myself about as equally as I expand myself lol

    Still practicing, and will be for life!

    Love to you :-) xxx

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:30pm

  57. 57: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    lol Mercedes. FW. I haven’t responded yet. I was going to wait a bit, about an hour. It’s been 20 minutes. I was going to say that I’m feeling great and that I’m happy to hear from him. I also going to say that my son is making progress and that I appreciate his thinking of him.

    Since he’s out of town working on a huge deal, I was going to say that I hope all goes well and I’m excited for him.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:31pm

  58. 58: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Weird writing…lol

    Should be “I limit myself about equallyas much as I expand myself” ;-)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:32pm

  59. 59: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I would change feeling great to “fabulous”. Sink into those feelings of the last few days on dates and reflect that with some emoticons.

    that I appreciate his thinking of him – I might begin the response by saying thanks for asking.

    Choose some different words than ones you normally use.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:36pm

  60. 60: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ooh lori, let’s tweak your response with some feeling messages! let’s make it juicy and sireny and mysterious leaving him wanting more!

    “ohhhh [name] i feel so lit up and encouraged reading your email…

    good luck with work this week:)”

    then sign your name

    then go back to sunning on your rock on siren island. He’s not come ashore for you. He’s sending you smoke signals from his ship. All you have to do is acknowledge it from your rock, and then go back to sunning and playing. No diving into the water to swim after his ship…

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:39pm

  61. 61: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I’m having doubts and my NVs are going crazy all of the sudden. I’m having weird suspicions that another woman is going to “know what to do/say” and “know how to make him feel respected/manly” in a way I never could.

    I feel so confused. aren’t women the ones who are supposed to speak?

    ugggggggggg.

    I feel like I should have said, when he approached me,

    “I feel so angry/confused/and scared.”

    but instead, I didn’t say anything.

    and he has no idea what’s going on.

    and that fear of losing him is back stronger than ever.

    I’m so sick of this!

    I feel like HE only comes around when he can feel that he is losing me!

    I’m so sick of this cycle!
    It’s been going on forever!

    I feel scared and sick and worried and sad. :(

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:39pm

  62. 62: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Oooooh! Hello April Rose! :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:41pm

  63. 63: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Starla! I totally cracked up reading your post. So funny! He’s definitely would do a double take on that one. lol

    Thanks FW. :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:41pm

  64. 64: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    I like the idea that we all find what works for us, and word it so. I believe in karma…. you get what you give kind of thing… I believe in positive energy and I do believe in manifesting good things into my life. I don’t believe people attract violence. When you are a victim of a crime, you are just that… a victim. Do people attract certain attention sometimes because of their behavior, sure… but that certainly isn’t always the case.

    It seems we often get into semantics here, and almost take what is said TOO literally. As I’ve said before about myself, please take what I say with a grain of salt and assume my best intentions. A lot gets lost in texting/blogging, even when we use feeling messages.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:49pm

  65. 65: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, this is what I’m emailing back.

    I’m doing fabulous :) . J (my son) is doing much better and is getting better. Thank you for asking. :)

    You’re in Atlanta? I’m so excited for you! I lit up when I saw your email. :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:49pm

  66. 66: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    what happened was, I had completely let go of the whole situation. I was ready to let go of him, once and for all. I even felt respect and warmth towards him. a nice guy, but not the guy for me, kind of feeling.

    It’s like HE KNEW.

    and I feel like he did one of those weird pick-up artisty things to seduce me when I was at a weak point. and he barely did anything, really, but whatever he did turned me on so bad I could hardly take it. and I’m not used to feeling turned on when I feel disconnected emotionally and physically. Especially THAT turned on. It just doesn’t make sense to me at all. and then he just walked away and said goodbye using my name. That’s it.

    and then the next time I saw him, I felt RAGE and I felt LIVID with anger, and it was so out of control I could barely contain it.

    so a week goes by, and I’ve calmed down, and he’s all cautious and approaching me and acting like he wants to talk, but he doesn’t say anything, and I just feel sad and disconnected and defeated and I don’t say anything, I hang my head and walk away.

    Now that I write it all out, I feel like I did the right thing again.

    Why do I feel so scared of losing him?
    Why doesn’t he care enough to step up?
    Why does he care so little?

    I feel so frustrated, because his gentleness with me this weekend makes me believe he does care.

    It just never feels like enough…

    I never feel like I say enough either…

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:50pm

  67. 67: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lori, a double take is the point!
    i’m not being funny!

    i really do this shxt myself, and it works like crazy.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:54pm

  68. 68: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I posted my response. What do you think? I haven’t sent it yet.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:55pm

  69. 69: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hello lovely Mel :-)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 1:57pm

  70. 70: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman and Mercedes,
    Thank you so much for your response.

    I like the softness and brevity of your message, Mercedes.

    And I added this to my latest reply, Femininewoman

    [He had replied enthusiastically to my request for talking of fun and adventure"]

    “By the way, I appreciate a man who has a powerful passion for the things he cares about. I wouldn’t ask you to water anything down.
    And, I feel like a sensitive flower, who might wilt under a hard stare of disapproval if I express the ‘wrong’ opinion.”

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

  71. 71: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lori it needs FEELING in it.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:02pm

  72. 72: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    ugh, I so need to work on this. I’m not good at the feeling stuff.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:05pm

  73. 73: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, how about this?

    I’m doing fabulous :) . J is doing much better and is getting help. Thank you for asking. :)

    You’re in Atlanta? I’m so excited for you! When I saw your email, I melted and felt so soft and warm. :)

    Lori (flower emoticon inserted)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:08pm

  74. 74: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Lori:

    Just a few “feels” inserted and you’re off to the races! :)

    “I’m FEELING fabulous :) . J is doing much better and is getting help. I FEEL relieved! Thank you for asking. :)

    You’re in Atlanta? I FEEL so excited for you! When I saw your email, I FELT all melty, soft and warm. :) ”

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:13pm

  75. 75: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    getting better. Don’t be scared to “feel” about every day “boy energy” stuff, like:

    “I’m feeling fabulous, thank you:). J is doing much better and getting help. I felt so soft and supported reading your encouraging email:) Good luck in Atlanta:)”

    Also, asking questions is leaning forward.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:14pm

  76. 76: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    haha me and mel wrote almost the same tweaks
    we are fine pupils:)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:15pm

  77. 77: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly,

    “what happened was, I had completely let go of the whole situation.”

    That’s what drew him in. He felt no pressure. Men are sooooo bloody sensitive to the slightest pressure of our wanting something from them.

    After he seduced you, I imagine you felt attached to him again, naturally.
    ‘Tis easy to think it is a cruel world, when simply wanting love from someone pushes them away.

    I understand your rage.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:16pm

  78. 78: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Mel high-fives* starla!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:16pm

  79. 79: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    You girls are making me laugh. I love it! Okay, how’s this?

    Awww, I was so happy to see your email. I felt so soft and warm reading it. :)

    J is doing much better and is getting help. I feel so relieved. Thank you for asking. :)

    You’re in Atlanta? I am so excited for you! Good luck!

    Lori

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:17pm

  80. 80: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    seriously, just saying how you feel and wishing him good luck without throwing too much energy “over there” where he is (a simple good luck is fine! don’t even have to be excited for him!) will intrigue the hell out of him

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:18pm

  81. 81: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    [An Excerpt from Love Notes Weekly:-
    Your Turn - Ask Orna and Matthew -I hope it's okay to post this]

    This week’s question comes from Karen:

    “Hi Orna and Matthew,

    How do I emotionally heal from a 3yr. live in relationship whereby the man accused me of cheating and infecting him with a STD when the reality & proof I have, is that he has had the STD for a number of years & did not tell me and he has been the one looking for someone else on the dating sites months prior to him telling me the relationship was over via email. Have not seen or heard from him since. During the whole time he would say he did not love me yet his actions said the opposite. Any suggestions would be received by me with great and deep appreciation.

    Thank you.”

    Hi Karen,

    Thank you for asking us about this very tender subject. Healing emotionally hinges on only one thing: Discovering what we call The Golden Nugget.

    The Golden Nugget is the piece of learning that you gain from a relationship that will allow you to grow toward your Beloved.

    We understand that you have a lot of anger about what happened. That anger can blind you from discovering any learning from this relationship. That anger will also keep you in blame instead of allowing you to heal and move on. Releasing that anger is the first step for you.

    Take time to feel your feelings, express them, journal about them, and then make a decision to be done with them. It can be helpful to give yourself a deadline. Maybe you decide to allow yourself to feel your anger for one more week, or one more day, or one more hour. You set your deadline, and then stick to it.

    Once you are done, let your anger go. You can make a ritual about it if you like. Burn your anger journal, giveaway any of his possessions you still have, cleanse your house by burning some sage. Once you have let your anger go, start looking for the Golden Nugget.

    From what you have shared with us, our best educated guess is that the learning you must gain is to value yourself. This means that you learn to put yourself first.

    We can only receive the amount of love from another that we have for ourselves. Valuing you is one aspect of Self-Love – it means that you do not allow others to treat you badly, that you set and keep boundaries, and you say “No” when you mean No, and “Yes” only when you can do so from a place of joy.

    Here is the tough love part from us, so if you are not ready to receive this please stop reading here.

    You allowed this man to mistreat you. He said he did not love you and you ought to have taken his words at face value. We feel that you were attributing meaning to this man’s actions, looking for what was never there. In doing so, you did yourself a great dis-service.

    It may be that your Love Imprint has love and rejection all tangled up together – so that to feel loved you must be rejected in some way. Perhaps you learned that you had to sacrifice for love, and therefore attract men that take and take rather than give.

    If this man is the last straw for you and you turn your love relationships around because of him, then one day you will be grateful that he was in your life. The most powerful force we possess as human beings is our will – you can change, create positive new habits, and shift your Love Imprint to receive the love that you desire.

    It is important to release all blame about your past and rest assured in the knowledge that every single event in your life has come to pass for your own personal growth.

    Keep us posted on your progress.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna and Matthew

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:21pm

  82. 82: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I especially love this part:-

    “We understand that you have a lot of anger about what happened. That anger can blind you from discovering any learning from this relationship. That anger will also keep you in blame instead of allowing you to heal and move on. Releasing that anger is the first step for you.

    Take time to feel your feelings, express them, journal about them, and then make a decision to be done with them. It can be helpful to give yourself a deadline. Maybe you decide to allow yourself to feel your anger for one more week, or one more day, or one more hour. You set your deadline, and then stick to it.”

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:22pm

  83. 83: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I would go with fewer words. “Aww I felt so soft and warm reading your email” and then the rest.

    Cut out the “Awww I was so happy to see your email”

    it’s too much.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:24pm

  84. 84: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: If it’s me and I’m using feeling messages, I’m putting them up front where they don’t *feel* quite so awkward for me (I don’t use them often and do feel awkward with them sometimes).

    So for me it would go more like:

    “Awww, I feel so happy now that I’ve seen your email. Talk about making a girl smile! Thank you for making my day!

    J is doing much better and is getting help. I feel so relieved and am breathing easier every day. I really appreciate you for asking. That means a lot to me.

    Wow! Atlanta!?! Awesome! Enjoy!”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:25pm

  85. 85: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    okay, this is what I ended up sending. :) I thought about how I feel.

    “It made me feel happy to see your email. :) I felt so soft and warm reading it.

    J is doing much better and is getting better. I feel SO relieved. :) Thank you for asking.

    You’re in Atlanta? Good luck!”

    Lori

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:26pm

  86. 86: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    My text to J just now was “God I miss you!”

    See…I don’t do the feeling thing so well…. LOL!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:28pm

  87. 87: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I like it Mercedes! I need to get better at this and stop second guessing myself. I can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:29pm

  88. 88: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t either! It’s not that I don’t feel it, it’s just hard for me to put into words. I need to do it in a way that feels comfortable for me.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:29pm

  89. 89: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Lori: 86. No…you really can’t. :-) Especially when the words you are choosing are words to let him know he makes you feel good, you appreciate him and you are excited for me. Whatever order, whatever actual words, whatever…nothing like that will push him away, that’s for SURE!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:31pm

  90. 90: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Mercedes, that’s what I did. I let him know I was happy to see his email and that it warmed me reading it. I also let him know I appreciated his thinking about my son and then that I’m excited for him. :) Those are all good things. :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:32pm

  91. 91: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose Re #80 – Absolutely! It is perfectly okay for you to post things here from our Love Notes Weekly newsletter. You made sure to say where it came from and included our names, and that is all we ask when people repost our content.

    Thank you! Happy that you received something helpful from our post.

    Here is today’s Love Note (which I think goes perfectly with our guest post here):

    Love does not have a deadline; it is always available to you no matter your age, your appearance, or your past history.

    It may seem easy to get in the trap of thinking that because you haven’t found lasting love yet, that it’s just not in the cards for you. We want you to know that love does not discriminate. Love does not care whether you’ve made mistakes in the past, or whether you’ve had your heart broken. Love is always available to you. Love just wants you to love yourself and know that what is inside of you is always available outside of you.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna and Matthew

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:34pm

  92. 92: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    “I need to do it in a way that feels comfortable for me.”

    Yup…and that’s why I use those words when I really feel the need to tell him how I’m feeling (good or bad, either way). I don’t use them often so he doesn’t take them for granted and he doesn’t “get used to them” but…the feeling messages DO grab his attention when I use them, that’s for sure!

    So for me, I save them for when I feel comfortable and I really need him to focus on how I’m feeling. That works well for us and what we have although I can certainly see the value in using them more often than I do.

    I still think “God I miss you!” gets the message across (especially since I just saw him this morning and I’m going to see him again in about an hour…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:36pm

  93. 93: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    ooh nice Mercedes. Seeing his email totally made me happy and that he thought of me while being out of town, while working on the biggest deal of his career? All I can say is wow and that I’m feeling pretty warm and fuzzy. lol

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:38pm

  94. 94: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,

    My text to J just now was “God I miss you!”

    That is inspiring. I love the spontanious spirit of it! It sounds so honest and real. Cool.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:38pm

  95. 95: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    YAY lori i feel so impressed at your big baby steps toward something softer and more feminine!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:40pm

  96. 96: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Orna and Matthew: I completely agree…love can come at anytime. And for some of us who found our true loves a little later in life, I think we so many times have even better relationships because we did have such an opportunity to learn. :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:42pm

  97. 97: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    How do I feel sireny with a big zit on my chin?

    I feel I should be so far past this by now. And by “past this” I mean a) breaking out, and b) feeling like hiding when I do.

    Ever since going off bcps I’ve been struggling with the breakouts. And I’ve been off them for close to 2 years! Every time I start feeling all sireny & girly – bong! I wake up with something that could qualify for it’s own zipcode (usually on my chin).

    It feels hard to look people in the eye & smile. I do it, but it feels superficial.

    Has anyone had any success with beautifying their troubled complexions? It would feel so good to know that I can come to love my face again.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:42pm

  98. 98: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you, thank you! :) My goal is to be softer and more feminine. :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:42pm

  99. 99: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    how funny mercedes…i just texted the same thing!!

    you’re a witch!!

    or maybe i’m the witch!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:43pm

  100. 100: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    You know what I find interesting is that he titled his email “Touching Base”. He’s always said I was his softlanding. Now he’s out of town. Am I his “base”? He does not go for more than a few days without reaching out to me.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:45pm

  101. 101: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I am having a ball messaging back and forth with this guy.
    It is a huge challenge not to engage with him on the level he writes – lots of strong wit and teasing, and of course the strong views on human and animal rights.

    I’m sticking with exploring the feelings I am experiencing.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:45pm

  102. 102: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    goodheart, me. big time. especially after going off bcs. it took me years and years after, until i finally changed my diet.

    get rid of sugar, dairy, and gluten as best you can for a month or two. your skin will clear up then.

    now i am doing chemical peels

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:46pm

  103. 103: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Oo, noticing that I used the word ‘strong’ twice in describing his communications.

    If it weren’t for you, FW, I might have dismissed him by now.

    I could easily have mistaken the value of a strongly expressive man for arrogance, judged him and rejected him.

    Oo, big lesson here today for April.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:48pm

  104. 104: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    And I got back “YAY! That means I can assume you’re willing to come over and see me tonight???”

    :-)

    Yup…that’s a pretty safe assumption…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:52pm

  105. 105: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    mercedes, you two don’t live together?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:53pm

  106. 106: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Starla: I’m not the witch. I think maybe two Goddesses on the same wavelength today… ;-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:54pm

  107. 107: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, thank you. I don’t really have much dairy at all or even gluten. I will try to stay away from sugar, but it’s my achilles heel & I almost cried when I read that! :-)

    I have given up sugar in the past (pre-bcps) & it didn’t help at all. On the pills my skin was flawless, but I won’t go back there.

    Chemical peels I definitely want to try though & maybe get one of those home microdermabrasion kits.

    Universe, I just want effortlessly lovely skin. Thank you.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:55pm

  108. 108: CalypsoNo Gravatar says:

    Wow – What a perfect post for me right now! This is exactly what Hound and I have been talking about! I love it!

    “Love is not something you have to seek out, discover, or “fall” into – rather, its energy is there for you at any moment that you surrender to its calling and open to receive its gentle embrace. Once realized that the source of the love you seek is inside of you, no one can take it away from you.”

    AMEN! I am a believer after just one week of feeling that overwhelming energy flowing back and forth between me and Hound, like our souls feel connected and are doing an arm-in-arm happy dance together!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:56pm

  109. 109: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    You know ladies, I was thinking about K this morning and that I missed him. I also am feeling like wearing the necklace he gave me. It meant something to him to give it to me and it meant something to me to receive it. He emailed shortly after. Coincidence? Maybe. A connection between us, most definitely.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 2:58pm

  110. 110: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t believe I am deliberately tantalising a man I have never met, by describing my underwear to him online.

    Aaagh. I took the bait again! He teased me into it:

    Me: “As much fun as is our banter on here, it would feel so much more fulfilling in a real life setting. ? What do you think?”

    Him: “Stop it you’re scaring me now. I have visions of Matrons Bloomers at full mast.”

    Me: “They are little and black with a lace trim. Take it or leave it.”

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:04pm

  111. 111: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    I felt somewhat annoyed by the response, so I answered and signed out.

    Him: “You should raffle them off. Or on for a better price perhaps.”

    Me: “I’m feeling oh so sleepy now, and looking forward to the feeling of melting into a soft pillow.
    Thank you for all the witty stuff.
    Goodnight.”

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:09pm

  112. 112: Memulo says:

    Sometimes I feel so jealous of smartcd and his girl and so angry

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:09pm

  113. 113: Memulo says:

    And I know that I don’t let my cd treat me the way I let smartcd out of being shy and wanting him to be happy

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:11pm

  114. 114: Memulo says:

    I don’t believe Im not good enough! I believe I carried myself in a way that could give this impression.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:13pm

  115. 115: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lori – his anchor, his safe habor

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:36pm

  116. 116: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    FW, exactly. Ever since we’ve known each other, I’ve kept my word, kept my cool and understood him. He’s told me more than once about our connection. One of the reasons I still gave him the blanket was because I wanted to keep my word to him. I don’t flip with which ever way the wind blows.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:42pm

  117. 117: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lori – 11- “we do attract what we put out.” yes to some extent, and I would add or suggest that you encourage within yourself a feeling of trust which will enable you to live your life on a day to day basis with an OPEN heart and ALSO allowing trust FOR yourself so that you do not enter into situations which don’t feel right or safe to you.

    I would ask you to FEEL your way through moments. NOT as a way to PROTECT yourself from some perceived something but as a way to start trusting your TRUE intuition which will grow stronger the more you can find your PEACE deep inside.

    xxoo

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:52pm

  118. 118: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, i am going through such emotional drama today about not feeling liked and NOT feeling good enough and NOT fitting in.

    I want to find a job I LOVE. I am so unhappy in my job.

    I want to turn this around. I want to feel happy at work, and good enough and fulfilled.

    I don’t want people to belittle me and my skills.

    I want to feel appreciated and respected.

    Almost all of my jobs I have felt a failure in and not good enough.

    Is that too much to ask for? Maybe I should lower my expectation..

    Why am I hurt so easily?

    How do I feel in my body?

    I want to feel released from anxiety…

    My shoulder blades and back feel rigid and tight

    My breathing feels tense

    My face feels crushed up and tight…

    My jaw is clenched.

    I feel shame.

    I want to cocoon myself and protect myself..

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:53pm

  119. 119: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes (Re #95),

    Yes, I agree. Sometimes I think no one should get married until they are at least 30 (not that I like to “should” anyone). ;-)

    Then again, there are no guarantees. My brother and his wife married at 31 and they ended up divorced.

    Ultimately, I think having a great relationship depends more on having the proper tools to make a relationship last.

    Matthew and I started coaching couples last year and what they walk away with is a vast toolbox full of ways to communicate through the rough spots and create connection rather than separation.

    In order to have love we must be willing to be wrong, say “I’m sorry,” and be authentic – this is not an easy task for many people.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 3:55pm

  120. 120: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Dominique 116. I’m working on it. I’ve been thinking about why I close off. I was told by ex-husband that I was always upset, always angry, always crying so I learned to not show my feelings. I was also told that I should have said it this way or that way.

    Now, I’m working on “unzippering” my heart and trusting how I feel and say. Yay me!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 4:04pm

  121. 121: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    Why do I lack inspiration sometimes??

    I feel deflated this last couple of days.

    Like ALL my confidence is gone.

    It’s disapeared to the bottom of the well and I can’t reach it

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 4:13pm

  122. 122: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    For all you women who feel insecure and just plain awful around other women and your man -

    http://sexandheart.com/hot-women-are-everywhere-does-this-stress-you-out

    xxoo

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 4:29pm

  123. 123: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart – 96 – Have you tried yogurt masques? use full fat plain yogurt, apply generously, lay down for at least ten minutes, and rinse well. You may not need anything additional after masqueing. Do this daily until your skin clears. If it starts feeling a bit dry due to the lactic acid found naturally in yogurt, just be sure to moisturize well with something that agrees with your skin.

    xxoo

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 4:36pm

  124. 124: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like I’m trapped under a slab of concrete.

    I feel trapped in a straight jacket.

    Ewwww!!!! No one is doing this to me but me???

    How can I change my mindset…?

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 4:41pm

  125. 125: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart – 106 – Sorry Starla I’m not a big fan of chemical peels though I would endorse glycolic or alpha beta peels, yet even with those, please BE CAREFUL. Any peels, natural or chemical can cause scarring and uneven skin tone.

    When done by a very well trained and skilled esthetician for the glycolic or dermatologist for the chemical, the results can be wonderful though chemical peels require some down time.

    xxoo

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 4:41pm

  126. 126: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Rebecca – Can you do something which feels good for you and to you? Meditation, specialized meditation, a hot bath, a yoga class, anything?

    This mindset didn’t develop overnight and may take some time to unwind. Awareness and desire are the jumpstarts which you have in spades. :)

    xxoo

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:03pm

  127. 127: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Everything you say has a tinge of “direction” in it…”Let’s not…I don’t think we need to…”

    I feel controlled, dismissed, shut down, when I have this said to me. Told off.
    It feels like a teacher or a parent talking at me.
    I am not a child Ty and I don’t want to be spoken to like that.
    My old way would have and still is at times to be reactive to this and say things like “I’ll say what I like.”
    ” Who are you to tell me what to do.”
    When I want your arrogant opinion I’ll ask for it, if I was triggered by it. If I was triggered I would feel anger on the surface, but so much more deep down if I kept going deeper.
    I feel very sad thinking back to a time where I wanted to express my feelings and was shut down like this after finding out some news that felt devastating to me tears, it feel awful thinking about that time and the deepest core feeling underneath all that anger and pain was OMG like the person I was expressing my feelings to by shutting me down. It felt like they were hammering a nail into my already bleeding heart and then putting me in a coffin and nailing it shut, It was truly one of the most awful experiences and feelings in my life.

    It feels great when I am really not triggered by someone trying to shut me down or shut me up and I am in a place where I am not triggered that just am able to use humor or banter.

    Oh dear I feel a bit fragile thinking back to that awful time. I don’t really want to ever experience that again and feel that way again.
    I promise myself to learn from that experience and take good care of my heart in the future and be careful to only let a really good man who has proven to me with his actions that he is able to and wants to take care of my precious heart.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:17pm

  128. 128: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    I just got in another art show! Wooohooooo!!!!

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:26pm

  129. 129: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique.

    “I would ask you to FEEL your way through moments. NOT as a way to PROTECT yourself from some perceived something but as a way to start trusting your TRUE intuition which will grow stronger the more you can find your PEACE deep inside. ”

    This resonates with me big time.
    This feeling of intuition grows stronger and stronger in me daily.
    It has not ever been wrong or let me down.
    And on a couple of occasions has saved my life.
    What has let me down is as when I have ignored it, dismissed it or allowed other people to talk me out of it.
    So in the past I have on occasion let myself down by not trusting my own intuition and by putting my trust in other peoples words above my own core/soul gut intuition.
    The feeling when I get when other people are trying to talk me out of it is like my whole body experiencing red alert.
    And when I stick to my guns and ignore them rather than myself I feel peaceful, steady and calm instead.

    My intuition just at times says loud and clear to me NO don’t do it, agree to it etc.
    It feels like a higher power talking through me taking care of me and my children and telling me what to say and standing my ground.
    I feel sad at the times I did not listen to it, but I want to forgive myself for those moments.
    It feels good to do this it feels peaceful.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:42pm

  130. 130: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    :) feel happy for you liquid light.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:44pm

  131. 131: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/special-report-its-never-too-late-for-love-from-orna-and-matthew-walters/#more-5474

    “…The funny thing is these questions come from people in their 30’s all the way up to their 60’s. All of them believe that because they haven’t found lasting love yet, that it may not be in the cards for them…”

    It’s interesting that they only go up to the 60-somethings. I guess I’d better root for the 70-year olds… I’m looking forward to it.

    Yay! (Sweetie says “Yay!” too)

    SLV
    xoxo

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:47pm

  132. 132: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Annie! :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 5:55pm

  133. 133: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I just read in a guy’s online profile that he is looking for a woman who respects herself too much to stay with a guy who doesn’t treat her right

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 6:04pm

  134. 134: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Rori says.

    “It, for me, addressed my deep confusion with how to see everything as God while little children and animals suffer. It does not make sense, and there’s no way to make sense out of it. ”

    The way it makes sense to me is that ‘God’ higher power or whatever one believes in if one believes in gave man freewill to choose.
    And not all men/women will choose not to harm.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 6:38pm

  135. 135: OliviaNo Gravatar says:

    @goodheart –

    i struggled with acne for years. i tried heavy duty dermatologist products for years, then tried clearing it with changing my already healthy diet to make it even cleaner. it didn’t work.

    the one regime that cured it was benzoyl peroxide. i learned the regimen from acne.org. i use the acne free 2.5% benzoyl peroxide foam at night, and a glycolic acid treatment made by acne.org in the morning.

    there was a fair amount of uncomfortable dryness for a few weeks, then my skin adjusted and it is gorgeous.

    i’ve been doing this regimen for about 3 years now.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 6:39pm

  136. 136: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Senior Lady Vibe re #130

    We have coached people in their 70s, but we don’t generally get asked this question from them. The blog post was really taking into account who we hear that from… I guess the older you get the more optimistic you become! :-)

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 6:40pm

  137. 137: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    All men I meet tell me I am beautiful. Are they blind:)

    But I have a really hilarious story. Recently my cd and I were in a small restaurant, we ordered food and then he asked for beer. When the waitress brought beer I said I wanted some too. She asked for my id. At first I didn’t understand what the problem was, so she said – I don’t want to get in trouble, show me your id, miss. We started laughing and he told her how old I was, she didn’t believe him. I saw her looking at me later from a distance.

    Only for smartcd I wasn’t young enough! He said once – if your son gets married soon and has a baby you will be a grandmother. I said yes!! Just he is a college student and has no plans to get married soon:)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 7:40pm

  138. 138: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hey ladies,
    I’ve been thinking about K’s email to me earlier. The more I thought about it, the more touched I felt. I went soft. This could be the deal that allows him to quit what’s he doing now. He would have a life again. Not be so stressed and work so hard. It’s huge and means a whole lot to him.

    That he would take the time today to think of me and email me while he is there working on this deal, means so very much to me. So, I decided to let him know. I sent him the below email. I know this is from my heart. I have no expectations nor am I looking for a response. I simply wanted to recognize him for what he did.

    “I want you to know how much it means to me and how greatly I appreciate you, that you would take the time to check in with me. I know how important this deal is to you. I’m hoping with all my heart that it happens for you. <3"

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 7:49pm

  139. 139: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, wow, that’s an awesome story. You must be a very beautiful woman! Believe in yourself…everyone else does! :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 7:53pm

  140. 140: k2012No Gravatar says:

    wow, i have a lot to read.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:00pm

  141. 141: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart 96

    Just my two cents: The best thing I ever did for my skin and for pimples was to stop touching my face. And definitely, DEFINITELY do not squeeze, no matter how tempted you may be. It AMAZED me the difference it made. I think we’d be astonished at the dirt that is on our hands. I have a rule that I don’t touch my face unless I’m washing it, and if I do, and when I apply make-up, I always wash my hands before doing so.

    It’s a little thing, but I’ve had pretty much not a single pimple since I started doing that.

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:43pm

  142. 142: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, Tam, CurvySiren, Ruth

    Thank you so much for making me feel I’m not alone in this!

    Tam, I so get what you’re saying about social situations. That is where I feel triggered. Flirting with other women would be a HUGE no-no for me, but I feel triggered by friendliness. I don’t know why.

    CurvySiren
    Yes, I know! I’m a confident woman with healthy self-esteem. What’s more, I feel secure in his love for me. And, I don’t have a competitive bone in my body. And I KNOW it’s just friendliness. I can’t really understand why this is a trigger for me, but I like that it’s there for me to heal :)

    Dominique,
    Thank you so much for posting that article. It was very helpful. I am really going to focus on shifting my thinking and my feeling around this, and loving this apparently insecure, vulnerable part of myself.

    *Sigh* it’s so strange ;)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:50pm

  143. 143: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Indigo! Haven’t seen you on much today. Would you please review my posts of 48 and 137? I’ve had a great day! :)

    Monday, 28 January 2013 @ 9:53pm

  144. 144: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Morning
    :)

    Oh, what a nice vibe on here today
    :)

    Lori, wow, that sounds awesome
    tools are working for you!

    RE skin, I am a big fan of emu oil cream after spending months and months on antibiotics
    I have rosacea rather than acne, but, funnily enough, it came on when i stopped the BCP at the grand old age of 42
    My daily running is no help at all
    Anya, the emu stuff sounds a bit *off the wall*(esp ad im traditionally medically qualified but it does help!)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:34am

  145. 145: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    I love, love, love love Rori’s post at the top of the thread.

    I still don’t know what “grok” means – and I’m afraid to look it up on uban dictionary. But I guess I will sometime…*sigh*

    Okay, two things that are bugging me today:

    1) So, we are supposed to be “safe” on this blog. As in, our goal as sirens is to be a “safe” place for our man to “land” when he finds us. He can be himself. He can feel his feelings with us – through us, if necessary. But here’s my problem, and what’s bugging me…Am I TOO safe??? Because I do try to be a “safe” place for people. I have always sought for that, and cultivated it, and it’s for everyone, men and women. And it seems to me that people DO feel safe with me.

    But when it comes to relationship, I’m not entirely sold on the idea that men want “safe.” Yeah, they want to be themselves. But they also like a little bit of “danger” as well. Safe = boring, in some ways.

    And so my question: Am I TOO safe???

    Am I so safe that I’m boring. That men, women, people are drawn to me constantly. And they want to “get to know me.” And I let them feel “safe” doing that. But the minute they feel safe is the minute they get bored (*yawn*) and that’s when the fun stops. No more tension, excitement. No more cat-and-mouse place. No give-take-push-pull, with just enough play to keep it going. Game over. Walk away. Saunter. Not interested anymore. Like my kitten when the toy is too obvious. She likes it better when it’s hidden behind a table leg. Or my leg. Lol. THEN it’s more interesting…

    Anyway….

    2) I could “play” more. But playing takes confidence. It takes knowing who you are. It takes a certain sense of self. And I’m wondering if I don’t have that. I’m wondering if I just never developed it. Because my parents, and the way that they are – the way that they treated us (or at least me) – it always made me question my sense of self. It always has be wondering if what I know or believe to be true is actually true. If my instincts are correct, or if they are utterly false. If who I am is who I think I am, because someone else (they) might know better. And if I think I know one moment, I am likely to be wrong the next.

    It is a terribly unstable way to be. And yet that’s how I feel. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I feel on shaky footing. I barely know how to walk, and they expect me to run a mile with no training. How can I not fall???

    With every human interaction, I am so pleasant, I am so comfortable, I am so “safe.” But there is nothing of substance beneath the surface. *I* (whoever I am) is not there…………

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:39am

  146. 146: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tereana
    Ive been wanting to ask you this for some time now, and I feel a bit nervous about it
    Here goes anyway
    Do you actually *want* a relationship at the moment?

    You do come across as being very self contained, ok this is only the internet, but thats how i perceive you

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:49am

  147. 147: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    473: Mercedes says:

    “April Rose: This is a view I was able to change and so much changed with it:

    “Conflict is everywhere. I can’t imagine life without it….!”

    I’ve heard time and time again how “everyone” has conflict in their relationships and “all good relationships” have arguments and “we have our fights just like everyone” and “you have to compromise in a relationship” and on and on and…

    I’m wondering…who says that’s true? Who decided we have to have conflict or arguments or fights or compromises or disagreements or any form of upset? Who made up that rule and does it have to apply to me?

    I decided no…it doesn’t have to apply to me so…it doesn’t. :-)

    Now…I’m still working on that thought outside of my relationship at home. Not quite there yet. LOL!

    But I do believe that Mother Theresa and Gandhi and the Dali Lama and many Buddhist believers all believe/believed that it doesn’t have to be that way and they devote/d their lives to spreading that belief throughout mankind. I love them for that. Such inspiration.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes”

    Mercedes I feel confused are you saying you belief Gandhi avoided conflict and devoted his life spreading the message that conflict doesn’t have to exist?
    Or have I misunderstood what you mean here?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:30am

  148. 148: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel in awe of Gandhi and his beautiful character/ spirit and how he stood up to his oppressors by launching a programme of non-cooperation that included economic boycotts and civil disobedience and devoted the latter part of his life to non violent conflict resolution.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:42am

  149. 149: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel totally inspired by Gandhi to not ever cow tow or cooperate with anyone who is oppressive towards me or treats me in an oppressive way.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:11am

  150. 150: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Lori!

    Work’s been a bit hectic here! It was so marvellous to read your updates.

    I have said it before, and I believe it with my whole heart, I don’t think any man reaches out to a woman on a regular basis like this, to “touch base” and “see how things are with you” unless he has feelings for you which go beyond friendship.

    I agree with you that the fact that K reached out to you whilst he was busy with his deal was thoughtful and touching. It’s how I feel every time D messages me to say hi and ask how my day was. I go all soft and warm and melting, as I can feel his beautiful energy coming towards me, and I can see that’s how you felt too.

    Enjoy it. Sink into the feeling, and allow it to make you feel loved. That’s what I try to do.

    I think your second e-mail, letting him know you appreciated him and are wishing him all the best, was lovely too. It was reaching out, and so you might want to keep track of your expectations, but I know when I feel those positive things I just can’t hold it in any longer and I express it. I believe men who love us absorb it and feel loved, even if they don’t express themselves in quite the same way.

    I can tell you feel nourished by this connection.

    I do too, in my own situation, and I really just try to let it come towards me, while living my own life and giving him the space he needs to make his decision.

    Lori, sounds like you are in a good place and he can feel it :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:29am

  151. 151: RebeccaNo Gravatar says:

    @144: Tereana

    I guess it’s all about self discovery and finding out what your passions are and what makes you move from “safe” to “exciting”.

    I am going through a very similar thing!

    What do you think?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:32am

  152. 152: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Orna re. 90

    Thanks for responding!

    I had to post your letter (in post no.80) because I felt so excited at something I think is really new for me. And that’s the idea of feeling all the anger and resentment at a man, without restraint, until a deadline. And then deciding to be through with it.
    Simple!
    And genius!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 4:30am

  153. 153: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth,

    I’m glad you are enjoying the vibe you feel on the blog today.

    I really feel curious about your sensitivity to the overall tone of what’s being written.
    I perceive you as a fragile flower, on the outside. Do you feel strong on the inside?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 4:33am

  154. 154: TamNo Gravatar says:

    As I was just thinking of MrP he sends me a text asking for a naked pic. The man is something else.
    I had to laugh….and then I did not know what to think/feel.
    I really wanted to write back: pictures when you could have had the whole woman?
    But that would be silly. We know the score. I kicked him out when he said he wasn’t my bf. So now he knows the score…and he is staying clear.. asking for pictures is safe. I feel bored and at the same time flattered I guess. Dunno.
    I can’t be angry with him really.
    Nothing to be angry about.
    I am still quite fond of him…but well, we know it’s hopeless…so it would be better if he disappeared for good.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:14am

  155. 155: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    152
    April Rose

    oh, interesting question

    Goodness, I would have thought I was the other way about and that I came across quite tough on the outside

    I “am” quite senstive to peoples feelings and moods, which isnt always helpful at work when you need to be in Boy energy and the place is awash with negative emptions which I cant help but pick up on

    Inside myself I am feeling vulnerbale and small and rather worthless at the moment
    And annoyed with myself that I cant shale that off
    My vibe must be way, way off

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:24am

  156. 156: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, send him a pic of your big toe;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:25am

  157. 157: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    dear me, my typing!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:26am

  158. 158: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “so it would be better if he disappeared for good.” Tam u crack me up with this statement. So let me see if I get this right. He is telling u that he is not your boyfriend but he isd asking for naked pics of u. What a piece of audacity! He is obviously looking for somebody to use. RUN HIM! (As they would say in my country).

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:26am

  159. 159: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth..I had thought of something like that, you are funny!!

    But also, I know how you feel, somehow, your words often resonate with my. I am that woman, who is soft on the inside and can be so hard on the outside..and I try to change but always slip back into the default position…when stressed or confronted or upset.

    Grrr. Can we ever change enough to be different?
    I want to change and I do try…hrmpf.
    Someone once said to me I can seem so harsh yet he suspects that I am incredibly sensitive inside..ha.
    I just blew up into his face. ‘I am not harsh bla bla bla’ – because I couldn’t see it, as I knew myself as that sensitive, shy and emotional person.
    Well, guess he was right.

    I don’t know Ruth, you don’t come across as harsh to me. Just factual and perceptive and actually like a soft/sensitive person…. yeah, I believe that.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:32am

  160. 160: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sick and nauseous reading all of comments putting Gandhi on a pedestal.

    He was a misogynist. He despised sex, slept naked with his niece to test his celibacy, decided to become celibate without consulting his wife.

    This the the problem with only seeing the best in people… you do not see the whole system at work. All of the “big” stuff he did in the world grew out of his inability and unwillingness to resolve is inner conflict within his own soul about sexual shame.

    Resolving those issues within ourselves naturally effects the environment and create peace, without having to put on big ego shows of power.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:35am

  161. 161: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    oh, I dont know Tam

    Maybe I have a weirdo view of myself
    Im not very keen on myself at the moment, that I do know

    I guess the patietns and staff feel they can talk to me, so thats something

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:41am

  162. 162: TamNo Gravatar says:

    k2012….I know, I know.
    Mostly I start off feeling amused when he contacts me…it’s kind of clumsy attempts. Then I wonder why. Then I start feeling kind of impatient and want to know what the heck this is all about.
    The man doesn’t need to ask for naked pictures…trust me. He just needs a shower, shave and a nice shirt and stand at a street corner..and they flock…as they do. Ha!
    So, MrP, really….what is that all about.
    And then, as I reflect, I remember that it’s hopeless anyway, whether he contacts me with whatever…asking to join him on a skiing holiday, for picture…so whatever.
    Audacity? Totally. He likes to play. I do too.
    I used to be shocked by some stuff he threw at me years ago. Now I know him. He’s harmless. I can’t be angry with him ever, because he is like a kid in many ways due to his issues. Very impulsive.
    Just, pffff….I don’t know.
    I just don’t know!!
    Honestly. He will probably always be in my life, even if he only occasionally tries to get a pic out of me.
    Should I fight this?
    I am tired to fight or ignore. Mainly I just smile and get on with it.
    I try not to think ‘what if’ thoughts….there is no point.
    He won’t change.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:42am

  163. 163: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Did not know that about Gandhi

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:42am

  164. 164: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth….I feel very similarly.
    You sound like a giving person and perhaps your patients give back in some ways.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:45am

  165. 165: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @144 Tereana – I relate to a lot (though not all) of what you are saying.

    Unlike you, I don’t think people necessarily find me “safe.” Safe enough, sure, but not completely safe.

    It sounds like you may have an issue with boundaries. If I may recommend a book: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1/183-4292514-6225606?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Boundaries

    It’s from a Christian perspective. Hope that doesn’t offend you. :)

    As far as your sense of self goes, I have definitely struggled with the same thing. I recently wrote on here that I will sometimes feel the need to be around people who have known me for a really long time, just so I can remember who I am.

    I would recommend daily journaling. Write down every thought, feeling, and observation you have on a daily basis. Accept all of it, even if some of what you find there scares or disgusts you.

    It really helps you connect with yourself, and you can go back to the more positive entries when you are feeling especially lost.

    Sending warm thoughts your way, Tereana.

    (((((Tereana))))))

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:45am

  166. 166: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Aggressive Women Anonymous:

    Sometimes, I want to hit MrP

    But, violence is not the answer lol

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:47am

  167. 167: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    163

    they take a lot Tam, but thats my job and usually its all fine

    The incessant complaining did rather get my goat yesterday

    actually today I am feeling-restless and irritable

    I guess thats an improvement on self pity and self loathing and hopelessness(yesterday)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:48am

  168. 168: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    He was also racist, casteist, and believed women who were raped lost their value as human beings, punished women followers who were harassed by a man by cutting their hair….et cetera.

    Personally, I don’t have any strong feelings about Gahndi one way or another. I don’t look down on him or have any negative opinions about him, and I also certainly don’t look up to him as a role model, either.

    It’s what playing the role of “hero” entails.

    Have you seen the movie Avatar? Where the guy is the big hero at the end?
    Only…
    he was really a coward, and through his attitude, dishonesty and lack of integrity, when peace could be negotiated he instead created a big drama where he got to be the hero.
    It’s a similar dynamic. These acts LOOK good on the surface, but if you are willing to look at the WHOLE thing, you realize it isn’t what it seems.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:49am

  169. 169: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Naughty women anonymous:

    sending MrP a pic of my backside and putting as a caption:
    kiss that!

    I did that last week after the incessant sexting and naked pic requests. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am just as bad. But, it was funny at the time ;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:50am

  170. 170: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Beloved

    Yes I have seen that Movie

    Food for thought

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:52am

  171. 171: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, Tam, how do I get a phone pic of my @ss without making it loook enormous?

    just in case I decide to follow your example;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:52am

  172. 172: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart,

    What worked for me was getting tested for food allergies/sensitivities. It turned out that I am allergic to some of my favorite foods. After I eliminated the culprits from my diet, it took about 3 months for my skin to heal completely, but it improved almost every day.

    Now, when I get a minor breakout I apply 20% tea-tree oil (not the pure stuff, it’s too harsh) to the area at bedtime. It makes a huge difference and speeds healing.

    At the moment, I have developed a small cyst, (probably stress) which is the worst because it feels painful and difficult to “forget” about… but the tea-tree oil has brought it down substantially over night and it hurts a lot less already. Magical stuff! :) I’m pretty sensitive to most acne creams/cleansers, so I’m glad I found something that doesn’t irritate things further.

    I totally know the feeling of wanting to hide… and feeling so unsireny!

    It sounds silly, but I’ve started to just love my face, despite its imperfections.

    I’m like: “Ooooh, it’s okay pretty chin. Are you sore? Let me soothe you with some oil. There you go, you’ll feel better in no time!”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:57am

  173. 173: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, I am pretty petite but I have a big backside…so, it does look big. They love it, really..trust me ;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:58am

  174. 174: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    hm, now you come to mention it Tam, even when I was a *lot* bigger i got comments about my backside.Nice ones as well
    :)

    Back to skin, a friend of mine did send me an aromatherapy prescription for troubled skin
    Must look that up

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:02am

  175. 175: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Men are such visual creatures…and I feel more and more amused because I used to try and barter my pics and see if he would send me a pic of his bits – just to test him. He doesn’t…haha…never.
    Too conservative for that.
    Makes me laugh also…..bless.
    Actually, I feel happy that he isn’t one of those d*cks who send pictures of their d*cks. One redeeming factor. ha! There had to be something…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:03am

  176. 176: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Depends on the d!ck doesnt it;)

    Whopps did I say that out loud?

    Karma will no doubt reward me with a juicy rotten presssure sore to look at later;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:07am

  177. 177: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Annie: “Mercedes I feel confused are you saying you belief Gandhi avoided conflict”

    No…I’m not saying that at all. I never mentioned avoiding conflict at all. I don’t believe in avoiding conflict. I believe it is possible to create space where it doesn’t come into play, not that it has to be avoided. My belief is that it simply does not have to be there.

    Not specific to what Annie said, just me venting: I hate that someone can tell me what *has* to be. “Conflict *has* to be in your relationship”. Really? Who made up that rule and what makes them so incredibly wise that I *have to* do what they say?

    BeLoved: I wasn’t putting any of those people on a pedestal. I was simply using them as examples of people who spoke to a belief that world peace is possible. World peace to me means no conflict. I wasn’t referring to their personal lives or even their actions. I was speaking to the fact that they all said many wonderful things with reference to a desire for world peace. No pedestals here, just a love of the message that a world without conflict is possible if we all look within ourselves and treat others with kindness and respect and love.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:10am

  178. 178: TamNo Gravatar says:

    175, well Ruth, if we must talk about such things…oh I was just about to say something regarding the size but I feel shy now – hehe.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:13am

  179. 179: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel scared and paranoid that he’s going to find this on the internet somehow, but here’s a feeling message text.

    Feedback would feel great, ladies. Thanks.

    “I feel really embarrassed. Thank you for being patient with me. I felt like you wanted to talk to me on Sunday night, or knew that I wanted to talk to you, but I just felt really sad and shut down. I’m sorry about that. It would feel great if we could talk sometime privately, though. Let me know what you think. ”

    Is that good? or too wordy?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:24am

  180. 180: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    My normal pattern would just be to not say or do anything, but that has never gotten me anywhere, and it always just leaves me more frustrated and confused, and it seems to leave the guys frustrated and confused as well. I’m experimenting. Please show me compassion and mercy. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:28am

  181. 181: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    iama
    Its a great message

    Only tweak would be just to say “what do you think”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:30am

  182. 182: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    177
    also prefer em not bent, Tam
    :)

    I have to look at all sorts at work

    Now I am very pink too
    tee hee

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:31am

  183. 183: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @180 Ruth – Thanks, Ruth! :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:33am

  184. 184: TamNo Gravatar says:

    181 Bent? Oh. Never had that…
    haha.
    Actually…I feel embarrassed but Curly always used to draw attention to his size (which was, on all acounts rather average – but I kept my mouth shut).
    MrP was kind of ‘meh, I am kind of average’.
    Yet he really wasn’t.
    And that kind of sums up the difference in men who are talkers and men who aren’t.
    Makes me laugh to think about it.
    And I will probably regret posting this but hey.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:34am

  185. 185: ViNo Gravatar says:

    Well I feel stupid and like a 10 year old, but I don’t have to..

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:41am

  186. 186: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    well, Ive never *had* a bent one, ahem so to speak

    and there is such a thing as too big

    Hot in here isnt it

    I off to see some more patients;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:52am

  187. 187: TamNo Gravatar says:

    urgh Ruth…yes, hot in here.
    For me there is such a thing as too big :(
    I am a little bit small…everywhere…which drives men nuts….at least I get those comments. Alas, it has downsides for me. Ouch.
    My friend who had a baby said I should be glad, because she feels like the salami gets lost in the corridor often (which was quite a funny thing to say for a German girl).
    Well, my salamis never get lost in the corridor. Stuck maybe, but not lost.
    TMI
    Oh yes, I will regret posting this.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:01am

  188. 188: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Indigo 149! I appreciate your feedback. I felt really, really good about sending the follow up email. I did realize it was reaching out but it felt so authentic. I truly did feel like I should recognize his time. I don’t expect a response nor do I need one. Now, I go back to leaning back in my bubble. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:01am

  189. 189: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Oh ladies thank you all so much for your advice.

    Dominic, I did try yogurt masks sometime last year, only I didn’t see a difference & I did get quite try. I may revisit it though.

    Olivia, benzoyl peroxide I have used (proactive’s) & it dried me out & did not help the breakouts. I’m not a big fan of a lot of chemicals on my skin – seems to aggravate it. I do appreciate your commenting to me though & I know all skin is different.

    Ruth, emu oil? Whodda thunk? I am very curious to try this.

    Mel, that is so so so weird that you said that because as I was driving home yesterday & pondering my skin the phrases “combat breakouts” & “battle acne” were coming to mind whenever I thought of certain products. I took a breath & was like this feels bad. I don’t want to battle or fight anything. Wars always leave scars & pain. I want love.

    So I started saying “I love my face. I love my face. I love my face.” : ) I’ve been saying it all morning too.

    I’m also going to get me some tea tree oil & call it love oil when I put it on :-)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  190. 190: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I logged on to see some of your comments and got my first laugh of the day. Crazy girl. Salami. lmbo!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  191. 191: TamNo Gravatar says:

    OMG the blog just crashed. I immediately felt guilty. No more posting ‘below the belt’ from me.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:06am

  192. 192: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo, yes I agree – fingers off face. I need to remember this because I keep feeling to see if the monster is still there – haha :-)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:10am

  193. 193: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens – Well – CudG & I are having fun. He is so Yum. At the end of our date he lifted me up and carried me up a long flight of stairs…omg he has literally become my horse now!….i need to find my way back to my Real horse soon…hehe

    Also I’m recognising points when I start shutting down around him….usually it’s when he says something that makes me feel unsafe.

    So I practiced sharing my feelings…and he actually thanked me….he was like – that’s so much better than keeping it in, acting funny & him not understanding why…
    Isn’t that cool? Made me feel good at the time.

    Anyway….my NV is kind of on overdrive…oh well
    At any rate – potentially having to relocate is making me less invested emotionally in anything. Strangely enough the shake up has automatically made me put the focus back on myself…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:14am

  194. 194: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Aw Heart, nice to read about Cuddly and you :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:15am

  195. 195: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I love the way you are handling it Heart. You see the positive, recognize points and don’t lean forward. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:17am

  196. 196: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, I also wanted to ask you about the allergy testing. What is involved in that? Do you just go to an allergist (is there such a thing?)? And they prick you with needles?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:20am

  197. 197: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light – 127 – YAY!!! So happy for you!!!

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:30am

  198. 198: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    186

    No, I am not giggling here, oh no Im not
    :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:31am

  199. 199: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart,

    You can go to an allergist and do pin-prick testing. This just tests immediate allergic reactions though (IgE antibodies).

    This will not tell you about allergies that take a bit longer to start an immune response (IgG antibodies). These are ones you don’t think about because it is harder to figure out cause and effect. The effects of the immune response can occur hours to a day or two after exposure.

    I got a blood test that measured bot IgG and IgE antibodies to common foods. I just had to have a couple vials of blood taken and wait for the lab work.

    It turned out that my allergies were to things I was eating ALL the time. It’s made a big difference in my skin (less acne, itching, hives and eczema). Also less headaches, less tired, less grumpy. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:44am

  200. 200: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 141- I feel pleased the article helped. And know I can still have this show up for me too even though my relationship or rather marriage (I forget all the time that I am now, lol) couldn’t be any more secure. K couldn’t be more into me, ALL of me, yet when I see what I think is a beautiful woman on the TV for example, I can get a twinge sometimes.

    It’s okay. You can look at this thought/feeling, thank it, love on it for a bit, appreciate it, and then ask it to go take a nap or go have a piece of cake or go read a book. It’s not so different from the gremlins. In fact it is a gremlin,

    And you don’t necessarily need to know from where it comes. It just is.

    It feels easier when you find ways to handle the fear which comes up and put it into perspective. It does get easier.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:46am

  201. 201: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana – 144 – You boring? Hardly. This story needs to be changed. Safe does not equate with boring.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:51am

  202. 202: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    “I would ask you to FEEL your way through moments. NOT as a way to PROTECT yourself from some perceived something but as a way to start trusting your TRUE intuition which will grow stronger the more you can find your PEACE deep inside.”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:55am

  203. 203: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,

    It cracks me up how non-defensive you can be, it always helps me feel calmer.

    I feel so surprised at how much pain seems to keep coming up to be loved, that I feel so used to I don’t even recognize it as pain until I feel relief from it.

    I’m giggling now :D
    Thank you!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:56am

  204. 204: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart my poor little baby girl at the time was allergy tested. They put needles down the length of her back on both sides and had her lying down for a while. The poor little thing was so miserable. I thought they would come up with some advice but she was only offered rounds of medication through needles. Possibly for the rest of her life. I said nope. She still has eczema but it breaks out at certain times. They said at the time it was related to dust. I believe that was only one element as once she was out in the grass and by the time she came back in, the backs of her legs looked like it was burnt by a hot iron. The skin was peeled off and raw.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:00am

  205. 205: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    BeLoved: “It cracks me up how non-defensive you can be, it always helps me feel calmer.”

    Maybe that’s how I avoid conflict…. HAHAHAHA!! Just kidding… :-)

    I’m giggling now too!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:01am

  206. 206: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe Tea Tree Oil can be a little harsh. I would test it first with another oil.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:03am

  207. 207: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart – 188 – yes try again, and tea tree oil is wonderful and would be the next suggested go to treatment.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:08am

  208. 208: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    This it has to be said, is only 1 of the blends I did and it is worth a try

    It will be expensive at first as the initial buying of the oils is high, but hopefully worth it

    To 30ml of almond oil (your base) add the following

    DO NOT ADD ANY MORE THAN THE PRESCRIBED DOSAGE – LESS IS MORE!

    8 drops of German Chamomile
    8 drops of parsley seed
    8 drops of cypress
    8 drops of geranium

    Blend will last for ages, apply a very small amount once daily (nighttime is probably best)

    Initially there may be a “flare” this is normal

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:11am

  209. 209: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    This is an alternative form of health care that literally changed my life. I used to have eczema, I used to burp all the time, my back used to be crooked, and I used to have all kinds of joint pain and I was 26 years old when I had this procedure done, and learned that the pain wasn’t just something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. It helps with chronic ear infections, balance problems, and so much more.

    http://www.uppercervicalcare.com

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:12am

  210. 210: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    (FW’s daughter) I felt awful for your little girl reading that.

    I will look into the allergy testing via blood – only one little prick then (sorry Ruth & Tam – this comment was NOT meant for you :-) )

    I am writing all this stuff down – so much to experiment with.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:14am

  211. 211: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    209
    :)

    Its that Tam, shes trouble
    :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:17am

  212. 212: TamNo Gravatar says:

    209-210…did I hear someone say ‘little prick’?
    Oh please, at least make it a decent size, ok?!
    ;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:21am

  213. 213: TamNo Gravatar says:

    (shhhh…..Ruth, I think our reputation is ruined, which means we can be totally shameless now lol)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:22am

  214. 214: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    “0ur” reputation?

    Who started it, hmmmmmmmmmmmm
    ;)

    I reckon Im in my second teenagerhood

    Giggling at smut and spotty

    LOL

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:25am

  215. 215: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i did a lot of research before doing the peels and found that scarring/unevenness is largely the result of PICKING. Don’t pick that skin! So tempting when it’s just flaking off. gahhhh it’s like torture if you’re like me and like to pick at your face and body. Still, I resist somehow.

    But my skin looks better than it has since I was 11 years old.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:25am

  216. 216: TamNo Gravatar says:

    213…now, now Ruth!! I recall something about the word ‘bent’ setting me off actually….

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:27am

  217. 217: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    215

    thats a medical condition I was referring to

    Bad tam;)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:29am

  218. 218: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, after the peels do you have to be really careful with sunblock and stuff

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:29am

  219. 219: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    he sends me a text asking for a naked pic – Is this something you would normally do for men who you date or are in a relationship with?

    I can’t imagine myself doing that and believe I was let him know that my respect for myself would not allow me to send such a picture. I don’t consider myself a prude just in case anyone is wondering. It is just that these types of pics, once in cyberspace can end up anywhere and create any number of problems. So I would encourage all to think twice when sending naked pics of self.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:30am

  220. 220: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Also one never knows who men are showing your pics to and what they are saying about you.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  221. 221: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    fair point FW

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  222. 222: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    I have had some chemical peels done quite a few years ago & just had a little redness – not even much peeling.

    I wonder if they were very mild ones.

    I feel so much better just having all these ideas to work with. Woo! I am going to be a knockout!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:33am

  223. 223: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth the bent ones aren’t normal?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:36am

  224. 224: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Skin conditions can feel very isolating

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:36am

  225. 225: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    FW 222

    depends on how bent and whether it affects the functioning of said organ
    Its a matter of degree really, I guess
    Some cases of chordee are progressive

    Its not my specialty as im a physician , not a surgeon but i do have lots of overlap patietns with urology

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:38am

  226. 226: TamNo Gravatar says:

    218 FW, no I wouldn’t do it with anybody else.
    I trust him, he would never ever put pics of me into cyberspace or share with anyone. I trust the guy with my life and that is a strange statement to people who don’t know me or him…he would rather cut his right arm off than put me in harms way…and that includes not embarrassing me in front of anybody. He never has, quite the contrary.
    Else I would not even send a picture of my big toe.

    Curly – would never send him a pic although, in that respect I trust him also.
    I only seriously date men I can trust…and I would never send a picture to anyone I didn’t date or was in a relationship with…and I don’t do it in a serious way, I do it for playing purposes only. Like a joke.
    And never a full on naked one with my face in it…eeek. Not my style. At all. But, if women like to do it, why not. Don’t see anything wrong with that at all. It’s a naked body and I am not ashamed of mine…I love it.
    I just like to play. But not compromise my dignity or safety.
    I am playful and so far that hasn’t put any men off, quite to the contrary.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:43am

  227. 227: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tam & Rori <3

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:47am

  228. 228: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    I love aspirin masks!
    I don’t use them very often because I know it’s an acid peel, but they leave my skin baby’s butt smooth.

    You can crush a couple of tablespoons of aspirin in some water and put it on your face for a few minutes, or what I do is mix BC powder in Greek yogurt.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:47am

  229. 229: HeartNo Gravatar says:

    I mean LORI!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:48am

  230. 230: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Mercedes re.176

    ‘Hating’ anything is a sign of inner conflict.

    Your move ;-)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:52am

  231. 231: TamNo Gravatar says:

    229 April Rose lol
    such a smart girl you are :)
    and dead on.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:54am

  232. 232: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    my relationship feels so magical. it’s not like anything i could have even imagined. in so many ways, we are like 1 unit, moving, breathing, feeling together…

    i feel so in step, like i’m with my best friend in the world. yesterday we were talking about concerts and i said ‘wouldn’t it be cool if we could go to a show every month? then we’d be guaranteed 12 concerts a year!’ I was just musing, but this morning he’s texting me about how he’s looking for concerts for us to go to, throwing out options for me to choose from:)

    and we also decided to hold monthly ‘concerts’ for just each other, so that we can get over the shyness we feel about playing our instruments for each other. he and i are exactly alike when it comes to stage fright.

    it’ so fun and safe and exciting! i feel like we can conquer the world together.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:56am

  233. 233: MelNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Goodheart

    Tea-tree CAN be quite harsh. The 100% essential oil will be very drying and irritating.

    I was able to find one that was 20% tea-tree. I believe the base is olive oil. It was called 20% tea-tree “lotion”, but it’s not really a lotion at all. A health-food store should have some. I tend to avoid cleansers/products that just have it added because they contain a bunch of other stuff I don’t really want on my skin.

    The blood test was easy and mostly painless way of getting tested. I was a little sad at the results, because I LOVE some of the things that turned out to be bad for me.

    The funny thing is that I experimented with removing dairy, wheat, sugar and it made no difference. I was not allergic to any of those things, but I am allergic to some of the things I was using as substitutes! LOL

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:57am

  234. 234: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    you toootally gotta be careful about sun exposure after a peel. avoid entirely if you can, and definitely use sunblock.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:58am

  235. 235: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Mel, that is so interesting! I wonder if i would experience a lot of resistance from my doctor/insurance company asking to be sent to the right specialist to get the same test done.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:01am

  236. 236: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    233
    thats what I thought

    hm, tricky with the running

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:04am

  237. 237: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel I believe one can develop sensitivity to anything we eat all the time. The body needs some time to break down certain things.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:04am

  238. 238: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Starla!! Very creative, playing for each other :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:05am

  239. 239: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Playing music is an amazing way to bond with people

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:08am

  240. 240: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Starla,

    I actually go to a naturopathic doctor, and she was able to send me for the lab work. So you could try that avenue if your medical doctor doesn’t agree.

    I actually experienced a lot of resistance from the dermatologist, who insisted that allergies do not cause acne. He just kept prescribing me lots of meds, some of which I had horrible reactions to, and nothing ever got any better.

    Someone I respect suggested that it might be allergies, so I decided to give it a try.

    I think some medical doctors might be willing to requisition the labwork though… Just depends how open they are to more holistic options.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:09am

  241. 241: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks FW! We are going to start with music — me on my viola and him on his guitar. We’re actually both quite gifted (i’ve heard his recordings and randomly met his ex band mate after we broke up), but we both have such performance anxiety it makes us sound like sh*t for a solo performance sometimes.

    but we’re also going to do other kinds of performance art for each other. Like, he can read an excerpt from his novel for me, or I can belly dance for him.

    I think it’s going to be an amazing monthly ritual of ours:) I hope it lasts till we die:) And we can get our kids in on it if we have some.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:09am

  242. 242: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    239
    Mel
    I am a medical doctor and for chronic *incurable* conditions such as rosacea and acne I really do think an open mind has to be kept
    After all, it is the patient that has to do the food exclusions
    My only reservation on this would be to be wary of this feeding into a pre existing eating disorder(and in some women this is exactly what happens)
    Here in the UK that test isnt available on the National Health service, but you can pay for it.
    Dont know how reliable that testing is her, as its not regulated by any national body and I do worry about the integrity of some organisations who want to make a profit

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:16am

  243. 243: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    it just feels so sweet and special. we can be vulnerable and afraid with each other, and paradoxically we end up feeling extremely safe because our hearts are so clearly open for each other… no judgment, just love and softness and unconditional acceptance…

    weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    gush

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:16am

  244. 244: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    I’m finding this very interesting.

    I get very stuck in food ruts. Even though they’re usually good foods (veggies/fruits/poultry).

    I want to explore this.

    Also wonder if I can get the 100% tea tree & mix it with olive oil myself if I can’t find the 20%?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:16am

  245. 245: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    242
    awwwwww

    that feels warming to read Starla

    Feeling totally safe must be so nice

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:17am

  246. 246: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    243
    Goodheart, i am sure you can dilute in your own base oil

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:18am

  247. 247: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Usually he responds immediately, for non-emotional questions. This time, he waited nearly fifteen minutes before answering.

    That entire time, I felt so nervous I thought I was going to throw up everywhere.

    Something about posting his texts on here feels disrespectful for some reason, but maybe not. I don’t know.

    “I didn’t have anything particular to say. If you want to talk about something, I can do that, if you want.”

    I’m not on lunch anymore so I really shouldn’t answer him until I have a break again.

    I felt really sad when I first read that. First of all, because it feels like he is putting the ball back in my court, and that makes me feel sad.

    Second of all, his tone feels really gentle, which makes me feel sad. But honestly, the message is so non-emotional, there isn’t really a tone is there? I feel frustrated and unsure how to respond…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:18am

  248. 248: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Research indicates that strong connections with family and friends – connections that make us feel safe and loved – are essential for happiness and health. People who live in caring communities live longer, happier lives than people who live alone or with others with whom they are not connected.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3403/connection-our-deepest-desire.html

    Reading this brought back memories of my newborn children. With my daughter I had a c-section but for some reason I felt compelled to hold her all the time. She was almost never in the nursery at the hospital. The nurses even wondered if I wasn’t in too much pain to hold her. Looking back it seemed the pain wasn’t even important as I had this deep need to hold her. I remember fall asleep with her on me and them coming to take her. As soon as I woke up I was off to the nursery or the little basinet on the room to get her.

    My son he was different. Seems he was not into being held. I remember even when at home he would not go to sleep unless he was laid in his own crib. As soon as he was put down he would drift. I remember my mother even calling me wicked because he used to be in his room by himself in the crib.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:20am

  249. 249: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t get over his use of the expression “if you want.”

    Obviously, I want to, or I wouldn’t have told him how great it would feel to talk to him privately.

    ha, should that be my answer.

    something about this feels gimmicky…

    I don’t like feeling gimmicky…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:20am

  250. 250: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    that’s what i get for leaning forward…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:23am

  251. 251: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    248 Iama
    I dont feel good reading that reply text either

    he doesnt seeem to have “heard” you and I dont know why cos your message seeemed very clear to me

    I guess its harder by text when you cant see faces and body language, but it almost comes across as “grudging” on his part
    Hope i am wrong

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:23am

  252. 252: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose: I agree. And I do have inner conflict. Plenty of it. I’m on a journey of healing though so that feels good. :-) Hopefully someday I can remove all of the conflict but for now, it is certainly a part of my heart.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:23am

  253. 253: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://soulmatesecret.com/blog/

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:32am

  254. 254: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly I agree with Ruth. I was a bit put off by thinking of doing it by text. I also believe it might be feeling gimmicky because it is chasing.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:33am

  255. 255: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dominque 196 Thank you!!!! It is all awesome and very exciting right now! :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:34am

  256. 256: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like saying, “If anyone has a right to feel angry here, it’s me…and every other woman in any zip code you’ve ever lived in, you spineless weasel.”

    but I’m not going to say that, because that wouldn’t be respectful, now would it?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:34am

  257. 257: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I’m wondering if I was misunderstood. Sitting here thinking “Do the sirens thing I meant *I* personally have no conflict in my life?” If so, I must apologize for that is not at all what I meant.

    I have lots and lots of it in my heart. Happens almost every time I read the news. Happens nearly every day on this blog alone. lol. No…I didn’t mean that I personally experience no conflict and again, I’m sorry if I gave that impression.

    What I meant was that J and I do not experience conflict in our relationship. We do each have our own healing journeys that will most likely last throughout our lives and we each have our own conflicts in our hearts because of that. We just love each other through those journeys instead of allowing them to bring the conflict to *us*. Any conflict we experience in our own hearts does not affect us as a couple though (except in good ways as we do get to offer and receive each other’s love and support through these journeys).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:36am

  258. 258: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I want to say “Forget I said anything, but don’t expect me to be happy when i see you, or friendly, or responsive, or anything other than angry.”

    or, at the very least,

    I feel unheard…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:38am

  259. 259: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes all I can say is that I understood. What I will suggest is that the more explanations you provide is the more possibility you create for things to get convoluted.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:40am

  260. 260: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like this is revealing his true character to me. Someone who actually cared about me, would have been like “oh, what’s wrong?” or, “oh, is everything okay?” “oh, okay. I hope I can help you with whatever it is you need to talk about.” or even an awkward, “oh. I shouldn’t be worried, should I?” or even “oh, I feel kind of nervous. this seems serious!”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:41am

  261. 261: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    259
    Hm Iama-those sound like expectations to me

    But I too would feel very unheard with such a reply

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:44am

  262. 262: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Feminine woman, Ruth was talking about HIS reply text, not my reply text.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:45am

  263. 263: GlowStixNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart 188

    I love on my face on the regular lol It sounds silly, but when I hate on my pimples and pick them and try to fight them the seem to grow and take SO long to heal, and leave scars. Now, if I touch my face at all it is with healing energy and love. Pimples still pop up, but they are gone within a couple days and stay rather small and don’t leave a scar.
    I have started experimenting with home made remedies. I brewed a delicious home made facial toner with Chamomile, peppermint, green tea and grapefruit that is working wonders so far! I saw immediate evening of skin colour and pore tightening. It’s only been a couple days.

    My skin is very supple and sensitive. To the point where acne medicines and washes GIVE me acne and make it worse. I saw a dermatologist, and he told me this: You don’t have acne. You have oily skin. Your pimples are more from large and clogged pores than they are from bacteria or hormones. You don’t want to dry the skin (acne medication) because then the skin will start to produce even more oil to compensate and thus more pimples.
    Who knew? ;-)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:45am

  264. 264: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    FW: Thank you…and yes, I agree. I was actually surprised to see Annie’s comment this morning bringing it back up again but since her question was not what I meant at all, I felt compelled to make sure my meaning wasn’t twisted.

    I know it’s best to stop talking about it. That is a very hard thing for me to do though. Especially when April Rose said “your move”. LOL! I wasn’t sure what move I was supposed to make but I was sure it needed to have something to do with agreeing…hating is indeed conflict in our hearts…that is for certain from my view.

    Thank you FW…you are beautiful and I appreciate you.

    I think I’ll create a big long post on my blog, spit it all out and hopefully feel at peace that I have said what I feel compelled to say. From there, as always, people can take what they need from it and leave the remainder.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:46am

  265. 265: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    okay, I feel better about this text he sent me.

    “Just let me know when you want to talk, and I’ll do my best to try to accomodate.”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:47am

  266. 266: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    3 Steps That’ll Make His Mouth Water For You
    For now, here are some quick steps that will get you feeling like you are the pie he CRAVES:

    1. Imagine that the man you’re with right now (even if you’re simply standing in line in a coffee house and a man in the corner merely makes eye contact with you – for that moment, you’re WITH HIM!)… imagine that he WANTS WHAT YOU HAVE.

    That HE wants YOUR PIE.

    If that sounds sexual, in a way it is. To me, a pie is not just delicious and yummy TASTING – it’s SOFT, it’s gooshy, it’s wet – it’s everything you are.

    2. Think of yourself as a pie.

    There’s taste to you – yes, and men love the taste of a woman, no matter what WE might believe in our “off” moments…

    There’s texture to you. There’s color. There’s a burst of flavor that happens when a man gets to know you, like when a pie hits your taste buds.

    Sometimes there are seeds, if it’s a fruit pie – like your prickly and imperfect qualities that are actually totally endearing to a man.

    Sometimes there’s whipped cream or meringue on top that gets on your face and stays with you. (And that’s the way HE feels about you when he kisses you – no matter what YOU think he thinks.)

    There are SO MANY PARTS to this piece of pie – the crust, the filling, the sauce, the topping – everything is different, and yet it all works TOGETHER. You are a recipe that’s uniquely YOU.

    3. Next time you see a man, feel something stir inside you, and then hear your mind instantly go into its “I can’t have him, he wouldn’t be interested, what am I doing even thinking he’d want me” old, useless mental tape – STOP FOR A SECOND.

    Take a breath, and imagine that YOU ARE THE PIE. Say it out loud to yourself: “I AM THE YUMMY PIE.”

    Let all the images and feelings of that come up, and if you recognize guilt and disbelief and anger and frustration showing up, use all my Rori Raye Tools you have right now to go through them. Listening to my Heart Connection Toolkit often is a great way to build the Tools naturally into your daily life.

    Let yourself feel all that old garbage, feel it down to your toes, and then just say to yourself “I am the pie,” and see what happens!

    Let me know how being the Yummy Pie works for you – what comes up and how you feel…

    Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:49am

  267. 267: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I want to say…

    “Since I’m the one who wants to talk, I want to make sure it’s at a time that’s convenient for you. I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:50am

  268. 268: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Someone who actually cared about me, would have been like “oh, what’s wrong?”

    Maybe a girlfriend. Not necessarily a man.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:51am

  269. 269: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I just texted him “It’s okay. Never mind.”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:53am

  270. 270: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    SMC was like “oh, okay. I hope I can help you with whatever it is you need to talk about.”

    Maybe that’s where my expectations came from…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:57am

  271. 271: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel embarrassed and sad.
    I give up.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:59am

  272. 272: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    263

    Mercedes, I wouldn’t worry too much about what we think, haha.

    FWIW, I know that after your response, something physically ‘clicked’ between my head and heart and it was as if my physical vision was actually clearer – just the act of you responding non-defensively reflected my projection back to me and I grokked the concept of believing in the possibility while living with the reality without judging it or denying it, more clearly than before, at a visceral level.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:00am

  273. 273: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    268 Iama
    but that wasnt authentic was it

    you feel angry and unheard

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:00am

  274. 274: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel guilty and embarrassed for having the emotions I have. That doesn’t seem healthy…

    but none the less…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:02am

  275. 275: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart – 243 – yes you can though I would recommend grapeseed oil instead. it’s lighter and actually helps with breakouts. you can find it in any food store though look for organic.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:07am

  276. 276: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @272 Ruth – holy crap, Ruth, you’re right.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:08am

  277. 277: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    273
    Iama
    I dont see why you should feel badly about your emotions, not at all
    they are what they are and they are real feelings

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:09am

  278. 278: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    How did h*ly Cr8P not land you in moderation?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:10am

  279. 279: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly – @ 248 – I think you are over thinking/analyzing here. It sounds to me like he’s responding like many men would. Plus he’s at work. Thus he’s in work mode.

    On the odd time I have to call K at work, he is SO not the same with me then he would be normally. Not abrupt really but something like this.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:10am

  280. 280: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    This is what I said after that,

    “it’s actually not ok. I wouldn’t be being honest with you if I told you that I feel okay with not talking to you. I’m just not sure how to talk to you, & I feel embarrassed about that…I’ll let you know when & if I’m ready. Thanks for being accomodating. I feel really weird & guilty & sad. Awkward…”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:13am

  281. 281: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    It’s Up To YOU To Make It Happen
    He’s not going to make it work FOR YOU.

    In fact, the reality is that as you are first becoming close with a man, he’s more likely to trigger your own fears than to help resolve them.

    I’m not telling you about this right now just because I’m trying to teach you some “mumbo jumbo” about how thoughts, energy and intention work together…

    (Which they do.)

    But for another simple reason – There’s something you can do right now to dramatically improve the level of connection and intimacy you have in your love life.

    It all starts in one place. Paying attention to HOW YOU THINK.

    On a basic level, your own patterns of thinking and feeling lead to the actions you take and the behavior you display. And guess what can create a “negative filter” on your thinking and feelings? FEAR.

    And if you’re finding that your actions and behaviors aren’t “naturally” attracting good men and creating healthy long-term relationships… then you’ve got something to look at right now:

    Your own thoughts and emotions, and your own fears. And, of course, you could worry about HIS ISSUES too, but let’s save working on him for later when you’re up to speed on all this for yourself.

    Connecting On A Deeper Level
    Ok, let’s get to some real answers here.

    What do you DO when you have negative, fearful, limiting thoughts and situations going on in your mind that are affecting your love life?

    Well, I’m not going to tell you that all women who are single or in “dead-end” relationships are in that place in their life just because they think and feel in “fear-based” and “self-limiting” ways.

    But do the math:

    What kind of women do you think men “naturally” gravitate towards?
    What kind of women do you think men “instinctively” feel good when they’re around, even if they don’t know why?
    What kind of women do you think men understand, on a subconscious level, and make great long-term partners?
    Right again.

    Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears and emotions when it comes to men, dating and relationships.

    Why?

    It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are themselves bad…

    Creating An Emotional State A Man WANTS To Be Around
    Feelings and emotions are probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human and allows us to experience the world in a deep and meaningful way.

    But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE feelings. Because negative feelings, more often than not, lead to NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES.

    And women who are in CONTROL of their EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on their own emotional state, know how to do something that other women can’t and will never be able to fake…

    They know how to consistently create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES with men.

    CCarter

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:14am

  282. 282: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @278 Dominique – I think you’re totally right. I’ve learned this about men, but it obviously hasn’t sunk in yet. Woo, I feel embarrassed. all around. but I think I’m doing what’s best for me in reaching out to him. what am I expecting? Communication about something that’s been bothering me. that’s it. and maybe communication will take place, and I will feel heard, and maybe I won’t.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:17am

  283. 283: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I sent him another text:

    “Hope you’re having a good day at work. *sheepish smile*”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:17am

  284. 284: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    …hopefully he finds ill-timed awkwardness cute. if he doesn’t, I was completely authentic, and I should feel proud of myself for that…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:18am

  285. 285: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    All couples are different. one of the best things i ever did was let go of how a couple ‘should’ be and act. if i am feeling good, that’s all that matters.

    for example, QZ rarely asks “how are you” or “how was your day.” and actually, I don’t hardly ask him, either. It just isn’t something we seem to do. Then when I started dating Warrior, he always asked how everything is. He’d ask me how my morning is… how lunch was.. how my class the night before went, etc. And it made me think “wow QZ never asked me such thoughtful questions… this is so much better.”

    But it didn’t turn out to mean much of anything.

    Of COURSE, QZ does care about how my day is going. That’s why I can let him know at any time how my day is going, if I feel like sharing. And every single morning he wishes me a marvelous day. In the past, I have been too focused on the “shoulds” of what a good relationship is supposed to look like, and I didn’t notice how he has his own unique way to be attentive to my daily life.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:19am

  286. 286: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    Expectation overload. except not really. I feel kinda giddy, actually…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:19am

  287. 287: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Good point about the man at work Dominique

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:21am

  288. 288: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    aw, he just said “thanks, you too. Let me know when/if you want to talk.”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:22am

  289. 289: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lancelot showed the young man the technique, and explained that its successful execution required something special. He said, “You must not care whether you live or die.”

    This is how he approached his relationship with Guinevere. He brought a level of passion and persistence that could not be ignored despite seemingly insurmountable challenges. He poured his very being into his love for Guinevere, knowing full well that if his passion was denied his heart would break. Those are high-stakes to be playing with.

    Here’s the lesson. When you allow yourself to truly desire a man, your fear will rise to match the level of desire you feel. Think about that. The more you want something, the more you become afraid of losing it. It’s unfortunate but true that men can sense a woman’s fear, often mentally interpreting it as a clingy neediness or trap.

    Men value freedom above all else. It’s one of the things that make men act differently than women. They like to feel in control of their world. They don’t like to answer to anyone.

    When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion. While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies. Do this and you will become intoxicating to him.

    He will sense it when you achieve this. No, that’s wrong. Sensing something is like a tingling awareness. His experience will be more like the first breath of oxygen after holding his breath underwater for two minutes. It will be profoundly different from the smothering fear he has experienced as he contemplates dating other women. Men do not want to be trapped, but I’m sure you have known a man who repeatedly said they just weren’t ready for a commitment, only to get engaged two months after meeting someone that swept him off his feet.

    How do you pull it off? How do you create an experience for a man (and yourself for that matter) of life-affirming passion paired with the freedom of reckless abandon?

    These are the secrets of Irresistible attraction. Your instincts and intuition will teach you the way if you start today and strive each following day to bring these qualities to your interactions with men.

    Rooting for your passionate embrace of all that life has to offer,

    James Bauer

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:24am

  290. 290: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    so, I’m doing okay, here, right? I feel needy for reassurance. I feel really vulnerable…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:26am

  291. 291: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @288 Feminine Woman – Thank you for that! I really appreciate you and your pastings…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:27am

  292. 292: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    you are doing fine Iama
    You felt your feelings and told us here
    But now I think you need to lean back and hopefully when you see him again, you will be able to talk and express what you need to

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:30am

  293. 293: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    oooh, universe, i feel so excited about the possible opportunity to go on a free lingerie shopping spree at my favorite department store. some new lingerie would feel AMAZING yummm thank you!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:32am

  294. 294: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes,

    I’m looking back on previous posts to see if I can open up our discussion even further.

    I feel safe to ‘debate’ with you, and I don’t feel judged.

    Sometimes I do detect a hint of ‘Look what I discovered, you should do the same’. And, I am willing to follow your example if it leads to my ability to have a relationship in the way you describe yours.

    I stated that I saw conflict everywhere. You answered that this was a view you were able to change. It later transpired that the view you changed was different – it was that conflict has to be everywhere.

    Now. With that I agree. It does not have to be there. Awareness is moving us through it, in life, as individuals, as the human race.
    I agree with you about this and I feel happy to have had this discussion. It has been a practical working through of conflict, to a place of meeting one another in agreement.

    Feels healing to me.

    Had either of us avoided this discussion, the conflict would have remained, swept under the rug.

    Thank you.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:33am

  295. 295: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if “pastings” is a word. I meant it as “to paste.” As in, all the things you copy onto your clipboard and paste somewhere else. pastings. Not pastings, as in, things from your past. I feel sooooo silly and giddy.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:34am

  296. 296: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    you know, now that I think of it, “leaning forward” isn’t really my problem. My problem has always been speaking my feelings when I’m leaning back and approached by a man.

    I feel kinda sad about that.

    but I also feel relieved that I’m finally realizing what one of my big issues is!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:37am

  297. 297: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so moved. I feel relieved. I feel overwhelmed. I feel really sad and really happy all at once. I’m crying. I feel weak and surrendered, but strong somehow too?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:39am

  298. 298: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    296

    Strong surrender?

    Result
    :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:41am

  299. 299: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lovey!!! Ruth :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:43am

  300. 300: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    lamabutterfly, despite all the positive changes in this latest incarnation of our relationship, I STILL cry and freak out when we have something serious/awkward to talk about. if it’s a lengthy discussion (10 min. +), I will run out of emotional steam to stay ‘level’ and just freak. i have so much fear in me triggered by anything that feels like my childhood and my mother abandoning me. I will end up having to get off the phone at least a couple of times, just to calm down.

    This is no different from how our relationship was last time, except this time, I am brutally honest about myself as it’s happening. In the past, I used to try to blame him for my freakouts, so that he couldn’t judge me or see me as just weak. I was scared he would leave me if he knew how weak i really am because it would turn him off or something.

    instead he left because he was tired of being made to feel responsible for my very intense feelings. now, as scary as it is, and as freaked out as I get (i shake like a leaf and cry), i am just honest about what’s happening. and he congratulates me every time for actually walking the walk of forming a different dynamic in our relationship. and tells me how proud he is of me. and then i get off the phone and feel like beating myself up still, and like calling him back for reassurance or to apologize for my stupidity, but i just do something nice for myself instead….

    i’m not sure what the point is here, but i guess i’m trying to say that even freaking out and being weird and weak and awkward won’t push a man away in and of itself.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:46am

  301. 301: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    I am here all week FW
    :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:46am

  302. 302: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Very true Starla, if you can honour your feelings but still be in control of them and deal with them as opposed to clamming up

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:47am

  303. 303: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Dominic, I have grapeseed oil (I use it to remove my eye makeup) so I will try that :-)

    Glowstix, I’ve always felt that oily skin is my actual problem. Would looove not to have that constant sheen. And I find any product related to “fighting” acne makes everything worse too.

    Do you have a special ratio for your magical skin potion? Do you brew it all up (in a cauldron :-) ) Or just mix it cold?

    I do use a mixture of rosemary, thyme & sage that I boiled, cooled & keep in my fridge as a tonic. My skin seems to like it – though this latest pimple is just…stubborn.

    (I love my face I love my face I love my face)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:48am

  304. 304: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens, Sweetheart is going through a rough patch (his ex is NOT happy about me and bringing up every bad thing that ever happened with them. the stress is really hard for him and his son wants him to come home) and I find myself leaning forward more and more. Help! I don’t want to mother him or over do. It’s really hard to break those old habits when things get stressed. I want to be supportive, but also not fall all over myself and be less appealing. Help help help!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:48am

  305. 305: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Very very honest post also Starla, and very helpful, thank you

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:48am

  306. 306: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    As farfetched as this might sound, I promise you that most men view a relationship with a woman as a prize. A woman has the ability to take away a man’s pain and make him feel powerful at the same time. This happens when a woman does these two things:

    1) She Puts Her Heart Ahead of Any Man

    Some women mistake this for acting like a spoiled brat but it’s actual quiet appealing to men. When a client asks me, “How do I put my heart ahead of a man?” I explain it this way. Imagine you had a small child walking around with you wherever you went. Let’s pretend that small child is actually your Heart. Let’s also pretend that it was your job to protect this small child (your heart).

    Now, if a man was rude to this child what would you do? Ignore his bad behavior because he’s really cute? Tell the little girl that it’s her fault…because he’s really cute? Oh I hope not!

    Hopefully you’d defend her. You’d leave with the little girl, or tell the guy to stop. You’d do something. Yet so many women tolerate bad behavior from a guy because he’s really cute (sexy, hot, etc.) and when he leaves them I get emails begging me to help them get him back.

    They put the guy ahead of their heart which actually makes him think of her not as special, but rather pitiful. Ladies, it’s never a good idea to put any man ahead of your own heart.

    Bob Grant

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:49am

  307. 307: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    303
    Turquoise.
    the man loves you
    and you said that what he loves about you is that you believe in him
    So, I am sure you can believe in him to sort this all out for himself

    You, lovely ladyare just fine in your own life while he does that
    xxxxxxxxx

    (its bloody hard, but dont do it, dont lean)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:50am

  308. 308: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    Can I help with some perspective? He is going through a rough patch. You are not. He will feel loved and respected if you back off and let him find his own solutions.
    His attraction to you will grow if he feels trusted by you.

    I was reading this very thing in John Gray’s book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” only yesterday.

    So, really it’s a free ticket for you to go to town on pampering yourself and giving him the space he needs to get back some control of his circumstances.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:54am

  309. 309: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Dominique 278

    I had to smile really, because it took me AGES to get this. He would say I’m busy and would appear not to want to talk, and I simply didn’t understand. I always took it personally because *I* am always able to connect into my loved ones if I choose, even if I am busy.

    When I finally made the connection that he was totally different when communicating with me on his down-time, I realised that men are different from us in this way.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:56am

  310. 310: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Aw, Ruth,
    Wow! We said the same things to Turquoise.

    Ah, I feel good to be part of a caring double-response team!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:58am

  311. 311: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    308
    Indigo, I have SUCH a hard time with this one
    I have read Dominiques stuff over and over again, and it makes sense but I just cant believe it and feel hurt when he isnt in contact or is different because of work or down time
    Can appreciate it totally on an intellectual level, but my heart wont believe it

    Suppose thats a lot to do with how I view myself isnt it

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:59am

  312. 312: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Ruth and April Rose. I am going away this weekend! Perfect thing for me to focus on. I have some shopping, housework, packing and organizing to do. I will put my boy/mother energy into all that and give him some space. Thank you ladies! My “vision” got blurry there for a bit! Whew!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:59am

  313. 313: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Ruth and April Rose. I am going away this weekend! Perfect thing for me to focus on. I have some shopping, housework, packing, organizing and primping to do. I will put my boy/mother energy into all that and give him some space. Thank you ladies! My “vision” got blurry there for a bit! Whew!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:00am

  314. 314: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    309
    Hi fives April Rose

    Would be nice if I could take my own advice LOL

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:00am

  315. 315: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    312
    Perfect Universe timing Turq
    :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:01am

  316. 316: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    aw, turquoise, i love that you posted what you did and worry how you do now… because it means you’re FALLING FOR HIM:)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:01am

  317. 317: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes 256

    I get this. Because this is the relationship I have with my best friend, and we are very real and down-to-earth with each other, not mushy at all. And yet there is no conflict, not even momentary passing tension.

    And I realised it’s because we don’t judge each other *at all*. We don’t hold each other to the other’s standards at all. If we hold differing views on things we accept it completely and it doesn’t alter the dynamic between us or our affection for each other in any way. I always assume she has my best interests at heart, no matter what she does, and vice versa.

    I believe that if it’s possible with my best friend, it’s possible for a man.

    (And by the way, I agree with you. There is no law to say what a relationship *must* look like. I believe there are as many different versions of the perfect relationship as there are couples on the planet :) )

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:01am

  318. 318: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    so when you feel gripped by fear or uncertainty, feel excited and show gratitude to your heart for allowing you to develop feelings for a good man.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:02am

  319. 319: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise I am curious to know if you sank into yourself and what your intuition might have been guiding you to do?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:02am

  320. 320: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 315 Starla you are such a bad bad girl :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:05am

  321. 321: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ruth 310

    I sooo get you. I battled with this for ages.

    I still have to consciously remind myself that he’s in work mode when we do communicate when he’s at work. I give myself the reminder (and then I shift my focus to my own work) and I *notice* the difference, but it doesn’t really hurt me any more.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:06am

  322. 322: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Ive still got my focus on him
    Grrrrrrr
    I just want to feel better about me
    G*d this feels so uphill at times

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:09am

  323. 323: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    feeling frustrated
    I can *see* where to go and what to do but I cant seem to do it in my heart
    GAH

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:11am

  324. 324: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Honestly FW, I feel like I always know what I should do, but it’s those old habits that are hard to break. Feeling like I need to check on him, see if he is ok, that if I cared, of course I’d do that….. Those feelings or instincts rose right back up. I needed the reinforcement here that leaning back is best and a reminder of why. Trust and respect. He needs that and deserves it. It’s sooo hard though when a man tells you he was crying about his son, to not want to help.

    Starla, I realized it yesterday, how much I do love him. It helped fuel these frantic feelings. So scary to let myself love someone again. It’s more than I expected.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:13am

  325. 325: loubyNo Gravatar says:

    Hello… its been a long time since I posted… and I know that my question doesnt really fit here BUT can any of you ladies point me in the right direction.

    In short, met man, has 2 young children living with him, wife left them.. lots of ‘issues’ there! The lived as a family but separately for a year before she moved out… he met me about 4 months after! yeah I know!

    Regardless of this, we fell for each other… thick and fast… he became more serious first…. children were introduced we call get on well… have bonded!

    however, his life has been in free fall, divorce, house, business recession etc etc.. and he dumped me by email in november…I was fuming..not only about the way etc but about the feelings of kids etc… but given the way he behaved, grieved more for the loss of the children.

    I dated, got out there, did my own thing.. he turned up again… had made significant changes to boundaries at home, priomises of commitment etc etc….

    I have stayed there more and more…got involved with the kids again.. and now he is stalling again on commitment..says he is scared of it… doesnt know what he wants..could we go back to once a week dating!

    So, talked about the kids feelings etc and then did no GF forever speech.. said I would date others.. he reluctantly agreed! that sucks even more! although today he admitted he didnt like it…

    OK..question is… is there any posts/stuff anywhere in RR stuff about if Children are involved! I.e., obviously have to tread more slowly etc etc… I cant find any posts anywhere…

    Phew!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:16am

  326. 326: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise then get into the habit of writing things down. That will help slow you down and pay attention to your intuition, your feelings as opposed to your thinking. It will bring you face to face with your defaults, your habits and your panic response.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:17am

  327. 327: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    scary but amazing. let it stretch you, and go slow:)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:20am

  328. 328: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Also Turquoise read the posting about Sir Lancelot above. If you truly love him you would let him go be with his son if that is what he believes will make HIM happy. As in Diary of a Mad Black Woman sometimes we need to go “back” to come face to face with the fact that we really want happy and love someone else. Letting go seems to work more magic than clinging on ever did.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:22am

  329. 329: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Writing 326 brought tears to my eyes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:22am

  330. 330: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Is that your diary FW

    Sorry if thats too personal

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:24am

  331. 331: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    hahah ruth, it’s a tyler perry movie

    tyler perry is an interesting part of modern american culture. and i’m pretty sure he owns TBS (just kidding) as half the shows on there are produced by him.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:27am

  332. 332: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Oops, My bad
    :(

    sorry
    I dont even watch TV over here in the UK

    Feel very silly and embarrassed now

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:28am

  333. 333: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Starla 299

    This is such an amazingly honest post. It made me feel so comforted about my past tumbley emotional episodes, and so good about how far I’ve come.

    I had a difficult childhood (like many here) and your words that it needn’t push away the right man were good to read, and I feel so glad to be well on the path to healing.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:29am

  334. 334: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Starla – 284 – LIKE :)

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:29am

  335. 335: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Iamabutterfly – 289 – YES you’re doing okay. You’re doing more than okay. It’s all about learning and growing, and this is SO you.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:31am

  336. 336: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you FW. Wonderful idea! I did really well with it over the weekend, but the more he shared with me yesterday, the come concerned I grew, and I started to default.

    His mom gave me a big hug yesterday and with tears in her eyes, told me how glad she is that I am his friend, because he really needs one.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:34am

  337. 337: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 308 – Big smile over here. YAY you!!! Men tend to be compartmentalized about things. There is a box for everything, and when he is in any given box, that’s as far s his focus can go. For the most part. They tend not to be able to multi-task efficiently as most women can.

    There have been many times I feel so excited to show K something, and let’s sat he’s reading something on the computer. He won’t even hear me. It just doesn’t compute until he’s at least finished a paragraph.

    I can choose to feel deflated, rejected, ignored, or I can choose to hold onto my excitement as best as I can until he can hear me.

    I choose the latter because it feels better. I KNOW it’s not personal at all. It’s a man tendency.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:37am

  338. 338: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    It’s not that he wants to go back, he feels their marriage is irreparable. He feels distraught that his son wants him to come home, wants his parents to be together, or for him to be able to live with his dad. Which just isn’t an option. He feels terrible. I did tell him yesterday that I know how horrible divorce is, that I’ve wondered many times about trying with C again for my girls, and that I’d be sad if we ended, but if he decided to go back, I’d understand.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:38am

  339. 339: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth – 310 – This is a difficult concept to wrap one’s heart around. I will post something on SI for you. It may help.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:39am

  340. 340: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    TY Dominique
    I feel stupid cos its so obvious and i shouldnt be having such a hard time with this

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:43am

  341. 341: ALANo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling happy about my new keyboard! It feels so zippity do dah and smooth.

    I’m consciously choosing to switch my thinking on my string of bad luck. Just yesterday while sitting at the drive-thru at the bank my car started making really loud noises. I immediately turned the engine off and crossed my fingers that it would start again to get out of the lane. It did start when I needed to move. But the power steering went out! I parked in the nearby Walmart’s parking lot to gather myself and let it cool down… smoke was billowing from the hood! Figured out my strategy how I was going to get it to my mechanic and drove it myself taking the route with the least amount of turns involved. They just called with the estimate and it’s not as much as I was fearing… whew! But still…

    This is really challenging me to not get into a “poor me” mentality. But, yeah, I am wondering why all of this is happening. Whether it’s karma, LOA stuff, whatever. I have no answers why all of this is happening. No idea what the message is. Perhaps the universe is purposely bring male energy to me because I don’t actively go out and pursue it? I feel yummy and feminine at the mechanic… so much testosterone there, lol. Good practice for the 5 second stare with so many men around. I’m going to do my nails with some fun nail art and get dressed up (just a little) for when I go pick up my car and maybe stop somewhere for a drink on the way home. To get more practice in. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:47am

  342. 342: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Lori – I feel so happy for you! :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:48am

  343. 343: Sha-shaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m so tired today I feel like the life has been drained outta me over night :(

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:48am

  344. 344: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Ruth, everything will be ok. Really slather yourself in love. Then repeat and do it again. Hugs!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:49am

  345. 345: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    ALA

    Everything happens for a reason. For me, it was to learn more about cars. It was so frustrating that mechanics i took it too seemed lazy, apathetic, and ignorant. I couldn’t believe it! Why was it happening to me? But in the end, I learned how to fix it myself with the help of the lovely guys at AutoZone (they’re free!)

    sometimes that reason is just as simple as “the power steering is broken.” cars are mechanical and have a bazillion little components that can break or go wrong. i would not for 1 second question your karma or if you ‘attracted’ this. no one is exempt from car problems — not even you! haha:D

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:50am

  346. 346: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    While His ex was at his moms, she got on his phone and went back and read a weeks worth of our text messages. She copied and sent them to herself and they fought all night Saturday night and all day Sunday. He told me he’s spent. Just can’t fight anymore. He feels completely violated. I do too. She said a month ago she wants the divorce, knew we were dating. This wasn’t a secret or a surprise. But I’m sure she feels hurt.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:53am

  347. 347: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    So all that, coupled with his son…. Just really a rough few days for him.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:54am

  348. 348: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, this is almost a blessing on a silver platter for you — now you get to show him FOR SURE that you are nothing like his ex wife… that you’re the woman of his dreams that he wasn’t even sure existed when he settled for his wife and then again with being single.

    give her enough rope and she hangs herself.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:55am

  349. 349: ALANo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Starla! I have zero confidence in my mechanical abilities. Even little things I feel unsure and shakey. Good news,,, they are giving me a $10 discount for the oil change! :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:57am

  350. 350: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    @299 Starla – I feel amazed by this. Thank you so much for sharing, brave girl. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:58am

  351. 351: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise.
    Thank you for your kind words and time when you are clearly going through it and have enough on your own plate
    xxxxxx
    That sounds horrendous, but Starla has wise advice

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:58am

  352. 352: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    (((((Turquoise)))))

    Let me just say, you are very strong and I have so much admiration for you. I feel in awe of how you are maintaining your composure. I would find this very, very, very difficult.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:00pm

  353. 353: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart, I use Grapeseed oil on my face in place of a moisturizer, & my skin practically glows. People comment on it all the time. I get it at Whole Foods. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:00pm

  354. 354: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, especially because she was at his parents house because they were helping her with a huge financial thing. His mother feels stabbed in the back, that after they did this wonderful thing for her, she would do something like this.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:01pm

  355. 355: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Goodheart, I use Grapeseed oil on my face in place of a moisturizer, & my skin practically glows. People compliment it all the time. I get it at Whole Foods. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:01pm

  356. 356: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 328 Ruth it is a movie by Tyler Perry

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:02pm

  357. 357: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    My younger married friend once said to me, “There are going to be times in marriage when you need to talk about something. Sometimes, you don’t have time for him to approach you so you can speak your feelings on whatever issue is at hand.”

    That felt wise…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:12pm

  358. 358: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really frightened that I might never find a guy who contacted me as much, as consistently as Curly did. I really liked that. He would contact me several times per day, and usually plan his days so he could spend time with me…he’d cancel other stuff…or take me along….he was a really good step up man in that respect.
    In many other respects we didn’t match.
    But I am scared that the experience with someone who understood a woman’s needs as it were (and he really did understand relationship needs), is something I haven’t made before and may never again. Even in my best ever relationship, the man was not in contact so often….and does it matter? No, but it is nice to feel wanted and appreciated. He was very intuitive like that….same with affection etc.
    Not afraid to give it and show it. Wherever.
    That was really nice.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:12pm

  359. 359: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    From FW 288

    ‘Men value freedom above all else. It’s one of the things that make men act differently than women. They like to feel in control of their world. They don’t like to answer to anyone.’

    This is so funny because this is how I felt in my last relationship: trapped. I wanted more freedom and felt stifled. Maybe I’m a man in disguise. I grew up with three brothers and no sisters so maybe I’m more like a guy than a girl in some ways…sigh.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:14pm

  360. 360: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    I value freedom and flexibility too! I hate that trapped feeling, and i’ve never even been in a serious relationship! *feels embarrassed about her obvious issues.*

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:27pm

  361. 361: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Lamabutterfly :)

    Yeah, I feel embarrassed by my issues too sometimes. I’m 47 and still single. But the good news is that we are both growing and learning, fast, and I know something great is in both of our futures! :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:45pm

  362. 362: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I thought that too… After Mr. Conversation, who I named because of just that. Our awesome conversations. He contacted me many times a day, 99% of the time first, and said the most amazing things to me. One of which that we’d ALWAYS be friends. I knew I cared for him more, wanted more. In a flash of an argument, he walked away and that was it. I was do sad, but knew in my heart that he didn’t love me, and that wouldn’t be enough.

    Sweetheart was already in my life, but just from a distance, on Facebook. A few weeks later we started emailing and texting regularly, then met and you know the rest. The difference is, Sweetheart actually loves me and wants to give me the relationship I want. So don’t give up. I feel Mr. Conversation was in my life for a reason, and that was to help get me over my ex, and to remind me of what i really wanted. I don’t know that SH will be the one either, but he definitely opened my eyes to be more accepting and not limit myself over silly things like having his ears pierced! :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 12:51pm

  363. 363: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Ah Turquoise, I like your post :)

    I realise that one man can’t have everything I want, so compromises have to be made…and some I am not willing to make.
    Curly was always wanting to push the relationship along and have the commitment from me, but he had a lot of lifestyle issues I couldn’t agree with….major things. I gave it my best shot and he catapulted himself out by doing something silly a couple of evenings ago. No doubt if he had been the right guy for me, I’d have been open to working it out but it was just too much for me.

    I know I just need to snip my fingers and he’s be here, making me feel wanted and appreciated and really good. And I feel a bit lonely…but I don’t want temporary neediness to blind me….and it wouldn’t be fair to him either. He could absolutely give me the relationship I want but sadly he is not the man I want…i think!

    Like you said, being accepting is good, always, as long as they aren’t major dealbreakers. And, why not experiment a little also. It’s all a learning curve…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:03pm

  364. 364: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I just used my lunch break to go to the grocery store and buy myself breakfast food and fresh drinking water and flowers. love to me <3

    then i started thinking about how QZ knows i love flowers and never brings them to me, even though it's such a huge gesture for such little money. i felt pouty. but then i remembered all the amazing things he does for me, and that i can buy myself some damn flowers for five bucks.

    Andrew used to bring me flowers every few days… and that didn't last…

    none of the "shoulds" need to matter… they don't mean a thing.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:14pm

  365. 365: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    a man SHOULD make me feel good. period.

    it’s not “a man should make me feel good by _________” and then I fill in the blank with specific desires like ‘asking me how my day was every night’ or ‘bringing me flowers every couple of weeks.’ He’s not my puppet. if his way of making me feel good really works great, then i shall lean back and receive, not direct and judge in my mind.

    and anyway, of course if i specifically told him i wanted those things, he would try to oblige. but i much prefer seeing what creative and exciting and surprising ways HE comes up with to impress and please me.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:20pm

  366. 366: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    FW, how do we achieve this? Because this is what is happening to me… I’m realizing how much I do love him, and my fear of it ending, has made me feel a bit panicked. He’s not pulling away, but I do feel he’s very caught up in what’s going on with him and not quite as expressive or in as much contact. I still hear from him regularly, he still says he loves me… but I do feel the slight shift that now this is more real.

    The article says….

    When you approach a man you desire, you must strive to bring a special kind of fearless passion. While pouring your heart and life into every interaction, you must not care whether the relationship lives or dies. Do this and you will become intoxicating to him.

    I want to live with fearless passion. How do we do this? Not just for him, but wow… for me, how amazing and exciting that would feel!

    I need some step by step instructions please. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:23pm

  367. 367: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://sexandheart.com/what-you-focus-on-grows

    But why am I asking this? Wouldn’t it be wise to be wary or at least cautious, protect yourself from possibly at best wasting your time with a not for you man or at worst an evil man, one who might hurt you physically or emotionally?

    The problem with this is that you are erecting barriers from the get go, and not only will he sense this and likely not feel keen on pursuing this any further even if all looks great on paper and even if there is great chemistry, YOU will also not feel good having this anxiety ridden, bad feeling mind set. And what you focus on grows.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:24pm

  368. 368: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Much along the lines of you living your life AS IF which I talk about regularly.

    But why am I asking this? Wouldn’t it be wise to be wary or at least cautious, protect yourself from possibly at best wasting your time with a not for you man or at worst an evil man, one who might hurt you physically or emotionally?

    The problem with this is that you are erecting barriers from the get go, and not only will he sense this and likely not feel keen on pursuing this any further even if all looks great on paper and even if there is great chemistry, YOU will also not feel good having this anxiety ridden, bad feeling mind set. And what you focus on grows.

    The more you place your focus on what feels good to you in this man, the more you recognize and APPRECIATE him for who he is, what he says and does which is lovely, looks good, sounds good, feels GOOD, the more of this will you notice in him. And the more you notice this in him, the more you will receive from him.

    Dominique

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:25pm

  369. 369: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla check out Dominique’s newest article about what you focus on grows. I tried to post pieces of it but I keep getting put into moderation.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:26pm

  370. 370: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise I believe that is what the Out the Window tool is about. Take the love he is sending towards you out in the world towards your passions. I believe you got a glimpse of practice with Mr. Conversation when he was doing the website for you.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:29pm

  371. 371: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Oooh, I want to hear the answer to this question to Turquoise.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:30pm

  372. 372: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, if you’re anything like me, I suggest making it your new goal NOT to get pulled into the drama of SH and his ex. Because it’s so easy to give it energy on your end, because it shines a light on how awful she is (and how great you are by comparison), but i have a feeling if you can transcend that entirely, not even ‘noticing’ the specific messed up things she does and the messed up contexts she does it in, you will be ‘bulletproof’ in a sense.

    and don’t ever tell that man again that if he wants to go back to her, you’ll understand!!!! hehe. no, you can understand that shxt sucks and it’s dramatic and annoying and scary for him and his kids… but sirens never ‘understand’ a man wanting to leave them for someone else. a siren knows that would be the greatest mistake of his life, but she doesn’t need to say THAT either.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:30pm

  373. 373: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    and don’t ever tell that man again that if he wants to go back to her, you’ll understand!!!!

    This is a great catch. I totally agree with Starla.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:32pm

  374. 374: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t mean deny the messed up things she does… just don’t go out of your way to notice them by name. it’s known fact that she ‘sucks’… she will continue to suck whether or not you spend energy noticing it or pointing it out to yourself or anyone (especially him!)

    in other words, it’s HER rope, let her hang her own damn self with it. you’re untouchable:)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:33pm

  375. 375: GoodheartNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, you said it yourself – at first you wanted more with Mr. Conversation, but when that didn’t work out a better match showed up for you in the form of Sweetheart.

    If, for some reason, Sweetheart doesn’t work out, the universe has an EVEN BETTER guy than him waiting.

    This helped me so much to not care if a relationship worked or not. I actually got excited that there’s better & better out there :-)

    Not that you carry around the belief that “hey I can do better than you” – you want to appreciate everything your guy offers.

    But knowing deep down that it’s all going to work out in the best way possible for YOU makes all the difference.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:35pm

  376. 376: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Exactly how I see it, too…Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:37pm

  377. 377: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    As a matter of fact I believe this is one of the reasons why cdating is such a key ingredient in succeeding in relationships. At this time Turq you can be doing something fabulous for yourself so when he turns his attention fully back to you, you will be so irristible he might not allow himself to get distracted ever again. Remember relationships are mostly mental.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:39pm

  378. 378: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    http://sexandheart.com/what-you-focus-on-grows

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:39pm

  379. 379: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    I wonder why FW. Strange. The link is above,

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:40pm

  380. 380: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    LOL, thank you Starla, I promise. I will never say that again. He did look at me kind of peculiarly when I said it… lol. I kind of feel like he might be my “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy” if that does exist. So, not going to beat myself up over it.

    I know I’m wonderful, and I outgirl her BIG TIME. So, not worried about that. And I know he knows what he wants and that I make him feel amazing. I think you are right though, I need to not get pulled into the drama, and I did ask what she said to him. I am like half a siren…. I can say and do all the right things and feel it, passionately that I am being a goddess. Yet, then my girly curiousity gets to me and I want to KNOW what’s being said. I’ve always been a bit of a gossip. Way less now than when I was younger… but I love the drama of it. I do, I admit it.

    FW, Hmmm. I need to work on the out the window stuff.

    Do any of you ever feel tired trying to remember all this? I felt like I was doing pretty amazingly for awhile there. I do feel a little needy. Think I need to take care of and focus on that tonight.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:41pm

  381. 381: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    rori 374 — exactly how you see what?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:42pm

  382. 382: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    This is the magic…. right here. Thank you Goodheart!

    “But knowing deep down that it’s all going to work out in the best way possible for YOU makes all the difference.”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:43pm

  383. 383: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Do any of you ever feel tired trying to remember all this?

    No I don’t. For me it is a wonderfully fun challenge. Sometimes I forget them but it just creates more opportunities to focus on me. I bring back the focus, laugh at myself, love on myself and do some self talk looking for ways to remember.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:44pm

  384. 384: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, I feel for SH. I am still struggling a year and a half after my divorce was final, with reconciling the idea of not living with my kids and their family unit being dismantled. I am the breadwinner, my ex-h the stay at home parent, so it made the most sense for me to leave. My relationship with them is strong and we are all okay, but the impact goes on…so I have some serious empathy for SH and what he’s going through right now. It’s a serious mind game. I’m not sure if you initiated your divorce or not, but I think being in that role comes with some extra, added guilt and remorse to work through. I am also really struggling about letting my kids know the extent of the relationship I’m in. It’s a committed one and I have fears about what that will mean to them and our relationship. Not sure what my advice is in all of this, other than to stay curious about how he is feeling without pressuring him or getting in the middle of it. I know that isn’t something you’d do, but it’s really important right now that he work through this stuff and get to the other side whole, intact, ready for something healthy with you. Only then will you both know if this is the real deal. I have the feeling it may be, but it won’t be a smooth, linear path to get there.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:44pm

  385. 385: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    FW, this is magic too!

    “As a matter of fact I believe this is one of the reasons why cdating is such a key ingredient in succeeding in relationships. At this time Turq you can be doing something fabulous for yourself so when he turns his attention fully back to you, you will be so irristible he might not allow himself to get distracted ever again. Remember relationships are mostly mental.”

    This is why I love you girls and this blog. Wow, I feel all empowered now. My girls have friends over today making best friend t-shirts. I’m going to go home, make them dinner, hear all the girl talk… and totally immerse myself in them. No boys, or boy drama allowed. :) I love girl power! lol

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:47pm

  386. 386: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise, you could always experiment with telling him you are feeling a little needy and could use a hug and ask him what he thinks.

    or just remind him that you miss him…

    i used to interpret rori’s stuff as meaning you soldier through shxt alone until he wants to come around… but that felt bad and prickly

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:48pm

  387. 387: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Curvy Siren. I wasn’t the one who initiated my divorce, but I knew for a long long time, that we shouldn’t be together. I felt tremendous guilt, that because of our failure, my girls would miss out on so much time with their dad. (army, always out of state/country). But, it was a decision he made, that he felt was best for all of us, and we do the best we can to co-parent and be friends. It was a really long road, it’s still bumpy, and I try my best to make it all work for everyone. Whenever he can have the kids, I let him. I want them to have the best relationship possible with their dad.

    Sweetheart did move out, but he was open to reconciling. Not much happened or changed in a year and he felt ready to move on with his life when we met. She doesn’t want him back, but I think feels hurt that he’s moved on, and the texts she read were full of him saying how much he loves me, that he wants us to have a future together, deep, emotional, and some intimate stuff too. I know that must have hurt, but she brought that on herself by looking at his phone and going through our messages. She’s very angry, blames all their problems on him, and he’s just mentally exhausted and said he can’t keep having the same fights.

    It’s probably perfect timing for me to leave town this weekend. I’ll be focused on my family and myself, will give us some space, and he can have time to work through this.

    I completely feel for him because I’ve been there. It’s not an easy road. I never intended to seriously date a man so fresh out of a marriage. This just happened so quickly.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:56pm

  388. 388: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    there was either a gas leak from my stove last night (which i think i shut off… hard to say if it was even leaking in the first place), or i had the most overpowering mental reaction to something i’ve ever had in my life — when i was preparing some meat my best friend’s family cooked and sent me home with, i took one bite, and immediately felt like i was going to vomit and pass out. my period’s late, so i freaked that i’m pregnant, but the test was negative. i had to sit down so i didn’t fall and hit my head. it was so weird and scary. i turned the stove light on and off to ensure it was off and dumped the food right in the trash. i felt better immediately.

    i rarely eat meat so i’m not sure what’s up with all that

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:57pm

  389. 389: MelNo Gravatar says:

    (((Turquoise)))

    I find it really difficult to stay “neutral” sometimes too.

    Mr A is usually really good at staying out of drama with the Ex, but every once and a while she draws him in. And while I want to be a safe place for him to share frustration, it feels bad sometimes. She just pulled some rude crap the other day, and I feel sympathetic. But I don’t want to get involved. It feels bad to hear her insulted (just in his private rants), even if I know she just did something sh*tty and mean.

    The other day, I said “I imagine you feel so frustrated right now.” and tried to change the subject. When he continued, I said “I hear you sweetie, but this feels bad to me…”

    I’m not really sure what’s best to do in these situations.

    I agree with Starla, FW etc. about just feeling confident in his ability to solve it and focusing on yourself.

    Be the happy place he knows he can come back to when this has all blown over.

    I feel for ya!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:58pm

  390. 390: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    That does feel bad and prickly Starla. I feel a lot better now. I’m going to give him some space, we had a really nice few hours together last night. I don’t normally see him much during the week, but since I will be away this weekend, we did talk about seeing each other more. I’m going to lean back, fill up on love from a bunch of little girls at my house tonight, and let him come to me. If for some reason I don’t hear from him tonight, which I don’t think has ever happened, I’ll be back for more advice. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 1:59pm

  391. 391: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    this is powerful stuff on here tonight
    Not so relevant to my situ, but watiching you ladies process through such tricky stuff gives me a little more hope
    Feeling a little tearful right now

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

  392. 392: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    louby – I’m not sure if there’s anything specifically about dating a man with children…but just keep doing what you’re doing. Sounds to me like you have your head on straight. You have no control over the kids except to love them unconditionally when you’re with them, and do your best to not get “hung up” on them or on him. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:00pm

  393. 393: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise it is human nature to want what we can’t have. I believe that might be what is playing inside her now that she sees him happy.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:01pm

  394. 394: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    You’re really doing so great with this Turquoise. You’re handling this beautifully and I feel like letting him take care of the issues is really all you CAN do right now. He will feel your love and support even if you step back and put all of your confidence in him- while really focusing on yourself and your girls. You are a good role model for him of how this can all settle down later.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:03pm

  395. 395: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    and I hope noone has to soldier through shXt alone
    Ive done enough of that for too long and it feels so bad

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:04pm

  396. 396: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    True FW.

    Mel, thanks… all good things. Since this is about me too… feels harder not to be “interested.” The best thing I can tell him is that I feel confident and trust he can handle this. He’ll swoon. I do trust him too, to not let anything get in the way of what he wants.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:06pm

  397. 397: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Curvy. Wow, thank you all. I really appreciate the time, energy and feedback you give. I’m leaving work now. But I’ll be back on later tonight to share some love and support with all of you too!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:07pm

  398. 398: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose: 293 – Thank you! That was such a lovely way to describe the discussion and it made me feel understood and appreciated. “Sometimes I do detect a hint of ‘Look what I discovered, you should do the same’. ” – I can see where this would be. I think it comes off that way because I AM very excited about what I discovered and I want to share it with the world. That happens a lot when I discuss meditation too. It has changed my whole world so when I engage in a discussion about it I want to shout from the rooftops! I’m guessing that goes much the same for anyone who has found their “thing” that just sort of does it for them.

    Anyway, I appreciate you and your comment 293 very, very much!

    Indigo 316: YES!!! Thank you!!!! I feel understood by you as well and I LOVE how you describe it!!!

    Rori 374: Thank you. I thought that might be the case. ;-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:07pm

  399. 399: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise I just remembered that one cd always tended to sing this song at Karaoke when I was with him. I believe he was singing about me unconsciously. I am holding the space for you that Sweetheart is singing this in his heart about you.

    While she lays sleeping
    I stay out late at night and play my songs
    And sometimes all the nights can be so long
    And it’s good when I finally make it home, all alone
    While she lays dreaming
    I try to get undressed without the light
    And quietly she says how was your night
    And I come to her and say
    It was all right, and I hold her tight

    And she believes in me
    I’ll never know just what she sees in me
    I told her someday if she was my girl
    I could change the world
    With my little songs, I was wrong
    But she has faith in me
    And so I go on trying faithfully
    And who knows maybe on some special night
    If my song is right
    I will find a way, find a way

    While she lays waiting
    I stumble to the kitchen for a bite
    And I see my old guitar in the night
    Just waiting for me like a secret friend
    And there’s no end while she lays crying
    I fumble with a melody or two
    And I’m torn between the things that I should do
    And she says to wake her up when I am through
    God her love is true

    And she believes in me
    I’ll never know just what she sees in me
    I told her someday if she was my girl
    I could change the world
    With my little songs, I was wrong
    But she has faith in me
    And so I go on trying faithfully
    And who knows maybe on some special night
    If my song is right
    I will find a way
    While she waits
    While she waits
    For me

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:08pm

  400. 400: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    This sh*t was about me too… unfortunately. I think that’s one reason why it bugged him so much. But I don’t really feel anything towards her. Indifferent I guess. I kinda don’t care what she thinks about me. It just doesn’t matter all that much.

    Your confidence in him will feel like a million bucks!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:11pm

  401. 401: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    1. We learned from the mistakes of past relationships.

    Most people look at relationships that didn’t work out as failures

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:15pm

  402. 402: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    fck it FW
    I am crying my eyes out now

    thats lovely

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:21pm

  403. 403: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    *slaps self*

    This was necessary to rescue my very nice bean bake form the oven before it burnt to a cinder
    It can be lunch tomorrow

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:27pm

  404. 404: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Right, got a grip now

    Tam, I reckon there are LOADS of men out there who will treat you properly and contact you as often as you need
    Curly was just a marker to show that was possible, but unfortunately he had other things not so good.But he wont be the only one to treat you like a queen by any means, oh no

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 2:33pm

  405. 405: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i wonder if i posted on my fb that i am offering hour long reiki sessions for $20 bucks, if people would take me up on it.

    i could use some money!!!

    i could probably charge more but i’m not a reiki “master” yet, just a certified practitioner who is still in mastership training. experienced masters charge 80-200 an hour.

    i could use some money!!!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:08pm

  406. 406: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i am very talented, though…. i left my teacher speechless for feedback after my session on her. she fell asleep twice, she was so relaxed…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:28pm

  407. 407: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    money is everywhere. why do i feel so stumped for how to get some more?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:32pm

  408. 408: LoubyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Rori…

    I have listened to your programmes etc and have found then a great help…but when there are kids involved, and I stay there..I can’t help but get involved and take on a mother role…it’s just natural..kids respond good…so from the outside all hunky dorey!

    However, this man is scared of making a mistake…says he knows what he has in me..but thinks I am going too fast.he needs his space etc.can see us together but doesn’t know, etc. I am 44 he is 54… At 9 months in I think he should know whether he wants the forever bit by now…and we should be working together in ironing out issues, how to integrate our lives, bearing in mind children involved.

    So can see my over functioning…being mother stuff and possibly caught myself in this trap..it does not fit in with rules etc..but with kids you can’t really not..especially as they live with him full time.

    At nine months it feels horrible to talk of dating other men…and hurts more that he will allow it..he admitted he can see why etc. I have gone onto match..and will do it..but it sucks…and I don’t want to pressure this man to commit when he is unsure.

    Perhaps if anyone else has experience of balancing the rr tools with not over functioning if the guy has children living with him.. ?

    Thanks

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:46pm

  409. 409: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @135 Orna:
    “Senior Lady Vibe re #130
    We have coached people in their 70s, but we don’t generally get asked this question from them. The blog post was really taking into account who we hear that from… I guess the older you get the more optimistic you become…

    Re: “…We’ve heard from many people since we started relationship coaching asking us if it is too late for them to find love…”

    Hi Orna, I believe you are right about the optimism and not believing that it’s too late to find love. It’s all relative; I hear all the time 30-year-olds saying they’re too old to do something: relocate, change careers, etc etc, when they could just as well go ahead and do it. And 30 (or 40 or 50) seems young in the grand scheme of things.

    I say ” go for it” whatever it is.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:54pm

  410. 410: TamNo Gravatar says:

    403…thank you Ruth..well, the thing is that I had lovely men treating me lovely..but one had kids so I obviously never was a priority, one relationship we were to young etc….and although I felt good with those guys, I remember they never really understood how good it feels for a woman when a guy is always in contact.
    I just bathe in that and it makes me feel good.
    Curly was quite extraordinary in that respect and the thing that worries me is that I don’t want to expect this from another guy..you know? Because it would be a huge expectation…
    same for making me such a priority…he wasn’t bothered to go out anymore, he would happily just be with me or take me with him to his boys meetings, whatever.
    I don’t want to expect this from a man you know?!
    I hope he hasn’t ruined me in that respect..haha.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:55pm

  411. 411: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I read only the top of thread post and I see now there has been a lot going in the comments since then.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 3:57pm

  412. 412: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    i just applied for two part time jobs for the weekends:)

    also, i am going to head home right now and see if i can’t fix up some things in my house so that it FEELS more abundant, like a rich person’s house.

    everything feels kinda “poor” there at the moment. some things are broken or neglected.

    time to kick that “scarcity” energy out! life is abundant and there is no need to fear!!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 4:27pm

  413. 413: MovingMagicNo Gravatar says:

    Cd’ing is amazing. It helps me stay focused on myself, & what feels good to me. I’m able to practice staying leaned back, which gives me an opportunity to observe myself/the man & really feel what comes up for me. I enjoy the freedom I feel with it. It also reminds me that I have so many options. It’s pretty amazing.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:16pm

  414. 414: k2012No Gravatar says:

    The guest post is excellent. I will have to go back and read and re-read. This point is worthy of mention. “We learned from the mistakes of past relationships.u can say that again. Based on all that I have learnt from the relationship coaches that I subscribe to -Rori, Christian and Elaine, there are certain things I use to do with disappearing ex that I am not doing now.

    Most people look at relationships that didn’t work out as failures.” Yep u can say that again. I suppose we are to look on it as learning experiences. I won’t be the social director of any relationship again Rori and Orna and Matthew. When I read that e-mail about chasing and us women acting like we are the “social director” of the relationship, I burst out laughing. I saw this after disappearing ex disappeared. I said, wow that’s me. I was planning where we could go, when we would visit my parents etc. I am not doing that again. I used to be the one who would call, I would email him with stuff, paste things on his facebook page!!! Not doing any of that again. I have cut it out. Rori says that’s chasing. I have learnt. Trust me I have. Let them do the chasing. That’s their job. No calling, no planning of the weekend that he is to spend with me. Its all up to him. Let him do the planning. I have learnt.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 5:37pm

  415. 415: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ty Mercedes I understand now. re Ghandi and conflict.

    I feel accused re twisting of other peoples re dominque

    I twisted nothing previously.
    I read each word literally as the dictionary
    describes them
    And agreed to disagree.
    I personally respect and understand that not everyone has the same views.
    Each to their own.

    ALL means what it does.
    Not some or most.
    And if someone writes ALL that is how I read it.
    I make no apologies for that.
    If they mean most or some and do not want people to think they don’t mean ALL the I feel confused to why they write ALL.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:18pm

  416. 416: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Hi ladies, I’ve had a super busy day today and still have one more meeting left tonight. ugh.

    I thought I saw a link/article on men and compartmentalizing but can’t find it. ??

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:28pm

  417. 417: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I am doing my best to understand what people mean.
    I do not like it or feel safe if people say one word but really mean another.
    Unless it is mataphores like “it;s raining cats and dogs” etc or other metaphorical phrases that I know the meaning of.
    Otherwise I take words by their real meaning as the dictionary describes them.
    Ot their actions do not match their words.
    I do not like wishy washy indirect language that is ambiguous or evasive.
    For instance like “catch you later.”
    That feels non commital and meaningless to me.
    As what on earth does later mean?
    Later to day?
    Tomorrow?
    Next week?
    Politicians are great at that sort of language so they can then not be held accountable.

    It feel manipulated by evasive indirect, non committal language.

    I like direct and to the point language
    I know where I stand and feel safe then.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:29pm

  418. 418: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens, SH and I have some little routines. At 5:00 he sends me a quitting time baby! Text, we will send a few back and forth and then I call him on my way home so i dont text and drive. We make small talk about our days and what’s for dinner, etc. we had that today and it was good. My tone was upbeat and I could feel him picking up on my energy. He texted me again after dinner and we talked on the phone for a half hour. I apologized for getting in his business, that what was going on with him and his ex, was between them. I also said I was sorry if I was coming across as mothering at all or giving advice. He said there was absolutely nothing to apologize for. He only feels support and appreciates that I’ve been through this. He also said that I wasn’t intruding at all. So, that felt good. He told me how much he enjoyed being with me and the girls last night and how it really improved his mood. he has said several times how good it feels to be part of a family and how he wants to be close with them too. he said today was much better. im glad. He is texting me later too, so everything feels back on track. He isn’t overflowing with how much he loves me like usual, but having someone else read your sweet nothing’s…. Makes it all seem so real and out to the world. I’m not surprised he’s pulled back a bit on that. He has said it to me, in person and on the phone, but it’s not quite as over the top. More like I DO love you.

    i enjoyed my busy night with the girls and also talked to my sister. My panicked feelings are all gone. I am the yummy pie. I am the prize. Good things lie ahead for me, no matter what! Thank you all for the support.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:42pm

  419. 419: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    FW, those are beautiful lyrics. Thank you. We both like Jim Brickman and Love of My Life is a favorite. When it comes on (on my playlist) he always says I love this song, and sings along…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:44pm

  420. 420: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @5: Rori Raye says:
    “…Hi, all – I’m going to go more into depth in this later on – I just want you all to know I see the Law Of Attraction discussion going on here…
    …I do NOT subscribe to the Law Of Attraction theory as is mostly put out there, and I do NOT think at all about “manifesting.”

    I didn’t see the Law of Attraction discussion in the thread and I don’t know what you mean by “as is mostly put out there. ” I’d like to read more.

    I was turned off a few years ago by a “Law of Attraction” disciple after she preached to the audience about who the “baby boomers” were and how you could tell if a person was one.

    According to her the people who needed help getting around and needed help eating were called “baby boomers.” [Huh?]

    She didn’t get that right. Brad Pitt and I, for example, seem to be able to fend for ourselves. LOL I concluded she was probably wrong about some other things too including the existence of a “Law of Attraction.”

    I don’t believe in manifesting things out of thin air; however, I do believe in the magic that I create for myself. Making a place for things, setting intentions, noticing, paying attention and directing my focus play a big part in that.

    I look forward to reading your thoughts in more depth as you’ve planned.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:44pm

  421. 421: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    I am amazed
    When I look at you
    I see you smiling back at me
    It’s like all my dreams come true

    I am afraid
    If I lost you girl
    I’d fall through the cracks
    And lose my track in this crazy lonely world

    Sometimes it’s so hard to believe
    When the nights can be so long
    And faith gave me the strength
    And kept me holding on

    You are the love of my life
    And I’m so glad you found me
    You are the love of my life
    Baby put your arms around me
    I guess this is how it feels
    When you finally find something real
    My angel in the night
    You are my love
    The love of my life

    Now here you are
    With midnight closing in
    You take my hand as our shadows dance
    With moonlight on your skin

    I look in your eyes
    I’m lost inside your kiss
    I think if I’d never met you
    About all the things i’d missed

    Sometimes it’s so hard to believe
    When a love can be so strong
    And faith gave me the strength
    And kept me holding on

    You are the love of my life
    And I’m so glad you found me
    You are the love of my life
    Baby put your arms around me
    I guess this is how it feels
    When you finally find something real
    My angel in the night
    You are my love
    The love of my life

    [Instrumental]
    You are the love of my life
    And I’m so glad you found me
    You are the love of my life
    Baby put your arms around me
    I guess this is how it feels
    When you finally find something real
    My angel in the night
    You are my love
    My angel in the night
    You are my love
    The love of my life
    —

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:46pm

  422. 422: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    159: BeLoved says:

    “I feel sick and nauseous reading all of comments putting Gandhi on a pedestal.

    He was a misogynist. He despised sex, slept naked with his niece to test his celibacy, decided to become celibate without consulting his wife.

    This the the problem with only seeing the best in people… you do not see the whole system at work. All of the “big” stuff he did in the world grew out of his inability and unwillingness to resolve is inner conflict within his own soul about sexual shame.

    Resolving those issues within ourselves naturally effects the environment and create peace, without having to put on big ego shows of power.”

    Ty for sharing this BeLOved, I feel shocked and open to reading more about this.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:46pm

  423. 423: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m back and reading top to bottom… I’ve finally arrived at the top post again.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:47pm

  424. 424: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    No, that’s bottom to top…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:48pm

  425. 425: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Senior Lady Vibe.

    I feel confused re baby boomers.
    I don’t get it.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:54pm

  426. 426: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear ladies, cherish each day that arrives. Go for what you want, take chances but not dangers. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

    One of my DDIL’s co-workers went to work this morning not knowing she would never return home again in this life.

    Kiss your children and loved ones (and yourself!) and don’t hand over hopes for happiness to a man.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:54pm

  427. 427: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    SLV – !!! Feels so good seeing you. “I do believe in the magic that I create for myself. Making a place for things, setting intentions, noticing, paying attention and directing my focus play a big part in that.”

    This to me is more what I think of as LOA.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 6:55pm

  428. 428: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @424: Annie says:
    “Hi Senior Lady Vibe.
    I feel confused re baby boomers.
    I don’t get it.”

    I don’t get it either. People have their own definitions and perceptions of who people are.

    So in this case she passed hers on to the audience. She believed there could be an opportunity to make money by assisting the “boomers” with errands and so forth as they probably weren’t able to leave their homes — or maybe mix up their own oatmeal… :wink: )

    It did sound kind of strange and funny to me but I bet a lot of the audience believed her… along with her authority to teach and, of course, sell some “Law of Attraction” products on the Internet.

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:03pm

  429. 429: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    hi Starla – I am RIGHT WITH YOU on the stumped-about-money question. It seems like it could be so easy and accessible, and yet – why is it not flowing into my life??

    You wrote:

    ‘money is everywhere. Why do I feel so stumped as to how to get more of it?’

    Yes, totally. I like your idea of doing low-cost reiki sessions. I believe you are amazing!! I had that experience when I gave my final exam massage when I was in MT training. You could maybe go even a little bit higher, like 25 or 30. But that’s just me not wanting you to low-ball yourself. : )

    Applying for weekend jobs is good, too :)

    I’m getting as creative as I can on my end. Today I offered to sell some paintings I’ve made, which I like, but someone else might enjoy them, too! And I can always make more :-)

    I have a lot of other stuff in storage I can probably sell.

    And I’m still thinking about the idea of going into fashion consulting. I KNOW that it’s something important to me and to who I am. The thing is that there doesn’t seem to be “room” for it in my life. And yet, I wonder – what am I missing by not making room?? I’ve put out feelers, and so far, all the feedback is positive. So why do I wait? Is it because I don’t want to succeed? Is it because I’m afraid to? Is it because it doesn’t seem like I deserve it? All of the above?

    Hm…I feel almost ridiculous for not doing what I “know” that I should do, in order to be happy. And yet, I don’t seem to see the doorway into it…

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:06pm

  430. 430: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Starla, I just read an article about how wealthy people live clutter free, rather than a lot of stuff, more sparse, yet nice. Don’t you make furniture? I bet you can make it look beautiful with all your creative talent. I want to do some creative lighting and paint.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:11pm

  431. 431: Senior Lady VibeNo Gravatar says:

    @426: Dominique says:
    “SLV – !!! Feels so good seeing you…”

    Hi Dominique! It’s good to see you too. :D

    SLV
    xoxo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:12pm

  432. 432: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Thank You Senior Lady Vibe.

    “It did sound kind of strange and funny to me but I bet a lot of the audience believed her… along with her authority to teach and, of course, sell some “Law of Attraction” products on the Internet.

    SLV
    xoxo”

    Ah yes Authority, importance and belief.
    Feel sad how most people are swayed by this like sheep and do not question.
    I am not sure society would be able to function without this social conditioning though as it would be unworkable if most of the people were questioning authority. It relies on this this to keep the minions under control.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:16pm

  433. 433: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    I told him this…..,
    I’m going to try not to worry, because I trust that you have this all under control and if it ever feels like you don’t, you’d let me know. (In regards to being worried about him)

    He wrote… Thanks Turquoise! Your thoughtfulness in what you say is amazing. I haven’t had someone say they believe in me in what feels like forever. And you better believe that if things don’t feel right, or I’m having a rough or emotional day, I will certainly let you know. Your trust means the world to me.

    Sigh…. I LOVE. The way we communicate.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:21pm

  434. 434: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Turq, that is so awesome! I love it. I’ve been making sure to let K know when I appreciate him and when he does or says something that makes me happy.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:24pm

  435. 435: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Liquid Light!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:24pm

  436. 436: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I want to ask a question. The guy I had a first date with on Sunday night acted like he really liked me. When we were parting he said – thank you for picking me up on the dating site, I had a really good time. I said – I had a nice time too. Then he asked for a hug. I said – maybe:) He hugged me, got me a cab and I left. When I got home he texted that he hopes I made it home ok, that he enjoyed our dinner and wishes me good night. I replied – thank you, I’m home! Good night:)

    I haven’t heard from him since then. Can it be because of me?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:28pm

  437. 437: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,

    Yes. I once said at the very beginning to smartcd that I am confident he would find a solution to a problem and since then he always quoted my words in a tough situation.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:31pm

  438. 438: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo – It’s only Tuesday. Remember boy time? Two days is like two seconds to most men.

    xxoo

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:51pm

  439. 439: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Lori and Memulo :)

    Mem… I wouldn’t take it personally, it’s only Tuesday and maybe he’s just waiting to not seem over anxious. If you tell yourself a story, make it a good one!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:53pm

  440. 440: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Who was the siren that was having a first date with someone where there was a lot of build up before? Calypso? What happened?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:53pm

  441. 441: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    I mean – did I need to say again ‘I had a nice time at dinner’ in response to his text and does it sound that I wasn’t that excited about him otherwise?

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 7:57pm

  442. 442: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Memulo, it was fine. Don’t over think. If he’s interested, he will be in touch! Work on your vibe sweetie. Send out good thoughts!

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:03pm

  443. 443: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Dominique and Turquoise.

    My gfriend actually told me this motto to live by: next man better than the prior one. In the past couple of years it worked exactly this way for me. It got somewhat stuck on smartcd, though my current cd is better in a way that he shows me that I can be admired and cherished, there is nothing wrong with me. Also my cd is very ‘normal’ and doesn’t have a crazy thing happen to him every single day. I feel more relaxed and more comfortable, although I have not decided that I want to stay with him. I feel like meeting other people as well.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:06pm

  444. 444: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    SH texted me that he could barely keep his eyes open, but wanted to tell me he loved me before he fell asleep. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:07pm

  445. 445: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Turquoise:)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:07pm

  446. 446: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    That’s wonderful Turquoise, especially since his words make you happy. I am lacking that with my cd, though he never told me he loved me.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:09pm

  447. 447: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    You know, K started saying “love you” to me last September. I was floored when he did. We started saying it for a few weeks and then suddenly he said he didn’t want us saying it . He said that the feelings were there but that he felt like it was too soon and it made him nervous. Okaayyyyy.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:12pm

  448. 448: VioletteNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I’m feeling drained and so sad, exhausted. I broke up with C. We’d spent a couple of dates talking about our sexual problems, he couldn’t get it up with me and said it was the first time it’s happened. But for me I was realizing more and more it was also…the way he touched me. It was sometimes nice and sometimes made me cringe.

    I adore him. The way he treats me, the person he is, he even was going to the doctor to look into his impotence, I love the way he would hold me, and always want to please me, and share experiences with me. He told me he was in love with me. I love him too.

    But the physical part was not good for me, and I didn’t see it getting any better.

    Now it’s so sad and I miss him. He tried to convince me not to end it, he put up such a fight for me.

    I’m going to let myself stay sad for a bit. I don’t feel I could have done any differently, I’m proud of the way I handled it, I wish that this kind man that I could see myself marrying was compatible with me sexually, but I can also be so grateful to have known the experience of being cared for so dearly.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:32pm

  449. 449: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Sweetheart says it all the time. Multiple times, every single day. The first time he said it because I fixed the TV, lol…. Then he kept talking about how deep his feelings were and that he couldn’t sleep all night thinking about our future. Then in a text he wrote luv ya, and I joked that it slipped out :) but said I wanted us to say it in person the first time. He agreed and it happened a few days later. I wasn’t as comfortable, especially with it being do often and we talked about it. He said he’d never want me to feel obligated to return what he says, but it was like flood gates opened and he shared feeling after feeling. This last week, I really feel it, strongly. I’d still want some things to change before making a big commitment, but he’s willing and that’s all I can ask.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:33pm

  450. 450: NatalinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so much excitement from this newest post! …after reading through everyone else’s posts I feel a bit exhausted, with so much going on- and wanting to fit in, there are so many emotions tied up in even starting to post.
    I immediately want to jump in and be all intelectual, I did notice in the words that were used in the belief systems- manifesting and focus – to me seem to be ver masculine and “work at it” vocabulary…while I also notice with what Rori has brought up here as well as in other programs… “one thing is certain, and that is that we are all stardust..” I remember smiling and feeling warm inside, spending so much of my time and energy beleiving there was only one truth, and one way to recieve salvation, it is a very masculine and calculating way to live. I noticed just some subtleties.

    I very much enjoyed this post.

    … to satisfy my inner nerd… “Grok” was used in the Sci-Fi novel Stranger In A Strange Land, by Robert A Heinlein.
    “the most famous science fiction novel ever written”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:38pm

  451. 451: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, any thoughts for Valentine’s Day? I haven’t had a Valentine in a very long time.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 8:59pm

  452. 452: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    No expectations Turq. :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:01pm

  453. 453: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, true :)

    Just wondering if its ok to give a card or small gift, to plan something special….. Or is it all on them? I’m at least giving a valentine.

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:10pm

  454. 454: TereanaNo Gravatar says:

    Btw, speaking of money – not to be soliciting, or anything like that – BUT, if any of you feel moved, you can check out my website, which is linked to my name above. And I’ve just added a “donations” link to my “about” page. So if you want to support me and my business with that random $100-200 dollars I know you have lying around ; ) – you can! :-) !

    Xoxo

    (this may be a repost, but I’m not sure, so I’m trying it again!)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 9:44pm

  455. 455: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    409
    Tam
    Curly has just shown you how it might be with someone else
    a learning thing
    so you know what you do and dont want n the future
    It feels bad to read the tern “ruined”
    So final

    No, I wont believe for one minute that you are “ruined”

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 10:59pm

  456. 456: ruthNo Gravatar says:

    Turq, Calypso has had two dates with Hound and it sounds like its all going very well
    :)

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:20pm

  457. 457: sunshineNo Gravatar says:

    So I found out earlier today that my ex was cheating on my with his “baby momma.” theyve never been married but were always in a relationship and have a son together. I found out through facebook. I impulsively messaged her and told her that I had dated him for the last half of last year. I felt so angry that I impulsively wrote this. then, I called him and told him I felt infiriated and wanted to talk to him in person about everything and that I wanted closure.He said he will come see me right away and begged for me to message her and say it was a mistake (she and the son live in another country.) you could say I had a change of heart at that moment, I felt over him after the day had passed, and I felt bad for their son. She could very much cut it off with him and the son wont have a father was my thinking (please sirens dont judge me)…I regretted messaging her I just felt worried, and scared.
    Anyway I told her it was the wrong guy. She questioned me some and also clarified shes not married with him but they have had a relationship all this time. I told her than definitely its not him. who knows if she will believe me. Then he met me and looked pale and incredibly nervous. I wanted to see him so that I could express my feeling messages. I told him I always felt suspicious and that our break up was so odd (no real reason just him being distant and strange). I told him that I never deserved to be lied to and that I feel so angry about this. he then tried to make me feel guilty by saying that his real girlfriend is loosing it and harrassing him-ughhh what an idiot he is. Anyway I let out everything thru feeling messages and he apologized, Im finally over it

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:38pm

  458. 458: sunshineNo Gravatar says:

    I want to add that I know his apology could be just him afraid that I will do more damage but it still was enough to feel better. i dont know perhaps seeing him so shook up in person also made me feel better.I feel embarrassed saying all this but I also feel like I gotta let it out. Im so angry he lied and that he insisted every time i questioned him about how weird he was acting and if there was someone else, he would constantly fight against it. I feel so angry that I didnt stick to my guns and my intuition, i have been practicing feelings yet when challenged I would give in. I will continue to work on this with determination

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:43pm

  459. 459: sunshineNo Gravatar says:

    I am gonna take some time out to heal but after some time, I will definitely join the circular dating bandwagon. Ive felt hesitant about this and still focusing on one guy at a time boyfriend “crud’ and all I get is “crud.” Circular dating will give me that edge up to trust my gut further because ill have more confidence, I will see things clearer, and it will be easier to weed out the losers/ toxic boys. This experience was the extra kick in the butt to really explore circular dating

    Tuesday, 29 January 2013 @ 11:58pm

  460. 460: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Sunshine.

    “I feel so angry that I didn’t stick to my guns and my intuition.”

    Do you think the message, golden nugget here to take away maybe to in the future trust your instinct over others words?

    Big big hugs. X

    I feel so sad reading about your experience and the experience of the other woman and child involved.

    If I were the other woman I would want to know the truth. .

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:36am

  461. 461: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “I found out through facebook. I impulsively messaged her and told her that I had dated him for the last half of last year.”

    At least you now know the truth for sure. X
    A blessing in disguise maybe that you did this.
    So do you really want to beat yourself up about this?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:39am

  462. 462: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I would rather be hurt by the truth, face up to reality than protected by a lie and live in fantasy land.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:40am

  463. 463: samiNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori

    I feel a bit sad and disappointed and today feels like a very hard for me. I feel so deep down and buried under a pile of heavy emotions in my chest. I always felt so proud and happy of the way my love story was moving and how using all your tools I found a loving man with whom I am about to get married in June. However, I feel I have reached a critical juncture of my beautiful loving relationship with my fiancee and really need your help. I met him last February and within 9 months, I have a beautiful sapphire ring, with a beautiful proposal on the top of the mountain. We have the wedding dates and all the planning is underway. Final bookings are yet to be made. He has been exceptionally loving, adoring and I used all your tools and refused to be his girlfriend. Meanwhile, the competition with other men kicked his ego ( he sees I get a lot of attention ) and he gave me what I needed to feel secure in an openly publicly committed relationship.

    Now the problem: Rori he has toooooo many female friends. They exchange hugs and kisses and winks and before I never lived with him but now we are spending more ordinary life days together in the planning and just being home kind of environment, and I had an urge to check his messages. I really felt that I would just feel more love for him with the way he will respond to shut out any further girlie attention by telling these women directly that Sami ( me) doesn’t like it. But no, these girls keep writing him. And yes, he keeps responding with details and calls them friends. but there is a definite flirtatious tone to it and I feel it and I do not feel like questioning this because I feel I can trust in my intuition. On Monday we had a discussion about how I feel a bit jealous and insecure and it doesnt feel good to feel this way. For the first time in our relationship, he reacted very defensively and said they are just friends. I cannot dissolve in you completely. I also have a life. I felt so bad about this. And then he confessed to his ex girl writing to him again to wish him a happy new year and that she just couldn’t keep herself from writing to him. I told him ok thanks for sharing this and I trust you but i feel bad when there is contact with exes. Can you please just let her know that Sami feels bad if we are in touch?

    He wrote to her the next day again Rori :( He wrote to her: Dear Maria, thanks for your lovely wishes. I wish you all the good things too for the coming year. I only answer you now because i was travelling before. I am now in Bassel with Sami with my fiancee. She said yes to my ring , as you had assured me. How are your plans of further studies coming along?

    And then he deleted this message from his inbox. But I am more facebook savy than him so I went on her profile and checked the messages exchanged and found this conversation in spite of me sharing that I do not feel good about it. Rori – I feel in such a different loser energy today. I dont want to feel like a distrusting psycho detective woman…but I feel with all this hiding and lies..my trust in him is undermined…. I wrote him a power script last night because I realized this my boundary rule…this is not something I can ever grow to feel comfortable with and yet I cannot control him or ask him for it…So as you see, its a deal breaker for me..Its even lesser about the ex girl herself, but the fact that he felt the need to hide it and still do it…this for me is a disturbing pattern and I feel sure that i do not want to deal with this through my married life. He has not answered my email yet Rori…I feel so bad. I tried my best in the email not to blame him but just sort of establish my boundary but there is no way he will not be judging himself because he knows he did write to her and then deleted that message. I feel so sorry about getting into this situation …at a time when I should be celebrating and enjoying life with a ring on my finger and a handsome loving man on my side.

    This is what I wrote him rori:

    Hi Dan

    Thank you for your affection these last days in Bassel! ( we are currently in different cities but I am moving back to him in 2 weeks) It felt good to have you around.

    Before we enter a long lasting institution like marriage, I would like to share with you certain boundaries that I feel would make me feel emotionally healthy, loved and very importantly, respected in a romantic relationship. I feel certain that I do not feel good when any kind of contact with ex girlfriends is made. Under the name of friendship, keeping in touch, being nice and kind to people – on email/fb/text/calling- whatever the reason or the medium of communication, this behaviour feels unacceptable to me and to my internal system, especially if its done in a way that I do not know about its existence! And because it does not feel good, because it would feel weird to any woman with high self-esteem that her fiancee feels the need to write back and continue contact with his ex women etc… I feel pretty certain that I do not want to deal with these kind of issues in my romantic relationship i.e. married life. Unfortunately Christopher, this is a deal breaker for me because I feel it undermines my trust in the man I love, it draws too much emotional energy from me and because I feel it is not something I should be expected to tolerate because it is afterall, not that indispensible. I want to feel all open and warm and mushy with the man I love and be able to feel and exchange complete honesty, transparency and openness with him. Intimacy feels sexy to me and disconnection, feeling distant, feeling like there are undercurrents between us that neither can feel, that there is something to hide, feels like a complete turn off and no fun.

    Even though I wear your ring, you are a free man Dan and this I feel the need to repeat. You are completely free to make the choices you make and I would feel horrible if I were to control those choices, ask you to make different ones or pressurize you into anything. This is not the woman I am, not the woman I would ever like to be. However, I do feel I have the choice too in accepting whether your choices work for me or not…If they end up making me feel bad / confused / insecure, I would like to distance myself from being in such a situation because I actively make the choice not to go where I don´t feel completely, fully,good.

    I want a real man, who feels happy and finds his rush, adrenalin, ego boost and pride in concentrating on being devoted to me and loving me and being a committed partner. I feel confident that almost everything that I have said here is what you already know. You are far too evolved a man to not know these things and how a committed, secure, loving relationship feels to both people, but still I felt the time is right to share something with you that to me feels like a non negotiable on my part.

    A hug

    Please tell me rori…and please tell me girls… he is public on facebook about me..his cover photo picture everything has me on it…he also wants to write engaged on facebook. But then why does he feel the need to write and hide. Is there something that I am not doing right here? Is there a missing link.,.I feel sick to my tummy. I have loved and trusted him all this while and well he too showed me he was worth it. Then now, at such a delicate stage of our relationship..why would he not consider what makes me feel bad.

    I am seeking your help Sirens. Please help me !!!

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 1:52am

  464. 464: BeLovedNo Gravatar says:

    Annie

    When I feel into what you say about people not sticking to the literal meaning of words, I see an image of a woman batting away confusion like it’s a swarm of insects.

    I wonder if you could allow yourself to sit with and feel the confusion that comes up and allow your body intelligence to inform your understanding?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:36am

  465. 465: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    TY BeLoved.
    Ty when I do this in RL in the real presence of people it is easy.
    As there is the body language/ vibe also to go on.
    So I take words with a pinch of salt then and trust my gut.
    Not so easy online as we do not have that to go on.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:56am

  466. 466: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    It is like having my Bovine excrement radar switched on. ;)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 2:58am

  467. 467: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    It feel accepting when someone calls a man or womans spouse/husband who is still married but separated an ex and understand why they do this.
    It feels better to me not to do this though as they are not really an ex yet, a future ex perhaps, most likely and not someone I would want to invest to much time and hope of having a future with until they were actually a real ex.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:15am

  468. 468: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, I feel off about that sometimes too. But, my divorce took almost 3 years, and the day he told me he had filed, I took off my ring. I’d never felt so… Betrayed or abandoned in all my life. I didn’t feel married. The main reason my divorce took so long was for financial reasons. I was a stay home mom and needed his health insurance.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 4:53am

  469. 469: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Sunshine I’m so sorry. :( sending big hugs!

    Vi, I’ve had similar experiences before and it was because of medication they were on. With High blood pressure, it seems to be a common side effect, but it did get better. If everything else is good with him, could you give it a chance once he sees a doctor and gets it figured out?
    Sweetheart is on a lot of medication and some days it’s fine, other days… Not happening, but wow am I learning how much else is possible when intercourse isn’t the main attraction. I have had some of the most intense orgasms of my life with him, and I think it’s because of all the fore play and build up. He has a doctor appointment coming up, but we didn’t let that stop us from being intimate. He really wants to please me and while different than the rushed sex I’ve been used to, I’m very impatient in bed, he’s teaching me a whole new kind of love making and wow, is what I’m going to say! I don’t always have one, but I still enjoy the closeness and sensuality we share.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:06am

  470. 470: TamNo Gravatar says:

    454..aw Ruth..thank you :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 5:46am

  471. 471: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    the day he told me he had filed, I took off my ring – Wow Turq!! This feels powerful. Like a woman devoted to putting her heart first.

    I was a stay home mom and needed his health insurance – this feels like a cornered victim. Someone who did not take responsibility for herself. I wonder if this story could possibly be
    changed?

    This is not a criticism Turq just an observation. I really believe changing this story could work in your favor for the future.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 6:25am

  472. 472: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Well FW, I told him before we got married I would not put my kids on daycare, so he’d have to be ok with me staying home and supporting us.
    How about this…. To continue to live the life I wanted and have the time I wanted with my girls, I chose not to sign the papers and remain legally married. His choice would not change my choices, as the girls and I deserved it. I made the best of my situation at the time.
    What do you think?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:01am

  473. 473: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    That is how I truly felt and why things worked out the way they did.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:02am

  474. 474: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise, sounds to me like the right thing to do in that situation. I’d have done exactly the same, for what it’s worth.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:16am

  475. 475: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise Ty for sharing I understand.
    You were a victim of circumstances at the time as any woman would have been in that position. And did what you thought best for you and your children and took steps to get to a place to become a survivor.
    Fantastic.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:20am

  476. 476: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    And only you know if you now want to put all your eggs in one basket and invest your love, time life on a man who is still married at the moment with no job etc. And zero on him making him the prize.
    Or to keep your options open allowing many men in not investing in any of them until the best match for you steps forward and offers you everything you want.

    It’s all about each of us individually finding out what we do and don’t want and finding the best match for us who is able and wants to give us what we want.
    At this moment in time to me as an observer he doesn’t appear able to offer and give you two of the things you want if what you want is to be married to a man who is the main provider.

    Good look with your continuing journey and finding out what you want. X

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:30am

  477. 477: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    as the girls and I deserved it – Turq taking into consideration all that I have learned from both Rori and Innerbonding I have changed my mindset.

    You all deserved it yes but choosing to control the situation in this way could likely harm all involved. You deserved it but he as a human is also entitled to choose not to provide it. Choosing such a route with some men might have put both yourself and the girls in physical harm’s way. I have also seen Rori encourage women to find ways to get employed and be independent of men when they head down certain paths.

    Knowing these things I would not have chosen the route you took. It is like a virtual prison. Chained to a man who did not want to be with me just to use him. Sorry to be so harsh. I have seen Margaret Paul of Innerbonding suggest that you do not own the spouse. I believe also Byron Katie. Also that the other person doesn’t really owe you anything. I have also read where the traditional marriage vows are really, well unrealistic. It projects into the future to make claims that people might not be able to live up to.

    Each day a married couple wake up they make a new commitment to be with each other. Assuming that is the case because of the legal document can set one up for trouble.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:32am

  478. 478: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turq I hasten to say a few years back I might have done the same thing. It is with the enlightenment of learning that I make the previous statements.

    I rather prefer to choose to let go someone who prefers not to be with me.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:34am

  479. 479: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    347: Starla says:

    “Turquoise, this is almost a blessing on a silver platter for you — now you get to show him FOR SURE that you are nothing like his ex wife… that you’re the woman of his dreams that he wasn’t even sure existed when he settled for his wife and then again with being single.

    give her enough rope and she hangs herself.”

    I feel uncomfortable reading this, it makes me feel off like the focus is back to front like this man is the prize instead of Turquoise being the prize.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:40am

  480. 480: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise – I would not put my kids on daycare

    This reminds me of an Interview I got from Rori. She expressed how she sabotaged her marriage, in a way, when her daughter was born and kinda still struggled letting go of saying “my daughter”. I bring this to your attention as it is innocuous. As if to say the kids belong to you only and he does not have a say in their welfare. Like his opinion does not matter just that he is there to provide. It also unconsciously suggest that he is not important. If so a person can feel insignificant though they might not realize this is what they are feeling or be able to express it.

    I know this is not what you are saying but it might be what he might hear if said directly to him. Remember with relationships the mindset of “teamwork” is important. I believe that mindset helps us to change our words when the internal shift takes place.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:42am

  481. 481: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    It’s getting to the place of being financial able to let a husband go who you have made a deal with will financially support you.
    From what I see Turquoise that is what you did.
    Well done you.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:42am

  482. 482: TamNo Gravatar says:

    You don’t own a spouse but the spouse has a responsibility towards his children and also towards the mother of his children, whom he married ’till death do us part’..very old fashioned principle, I know.
    When things go wrong, it doesn’t mean that the responsibility is gone all of a sudden.
    And a good man will honour that. Not quite the same as making oneself a victim.
    That would mean by having children, and choosing to stay at home to look after them, rather than pursuing a career, thus depending on our spouse somewhat, we make ourself a victim?
    I don’t think so.
    I really don’t.
    Personally, I would rather bring up children by myself then stick them into daycare also, and when finances allow and the man is happy with the arrangement, it is hardly being a victim – and when a divorce happens, it doesn’t automatically put the woman in the vistim role or does it?
    That would be terribly sad.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:43am

  483. 483: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Turq, I’m also a single mom. My exH made good money for a while and I had the opportunity to be an at home mom. Then the economy happened and his hours slowed. I was fortunate that I was able to find work that I could do from home. Then he was laid off. Once that happened, it’s like he just gave up. I became the sole bread winner. Then we divorced. I support myself and my kids. I’m not saying this bitterly, it is what it is.

    The thing is, is that life happens. What we may have originally been promised may not be able to be kept. I take pride in the fact that I can and will take care of myself and my children by myself. I’m not releasing my ex of his responsibilities. It’s that I can only control what I do.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:47am

  484. 484: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Annie, I told him I’d give him some time to make these changes, but that I wouldn’t wait forever. . I have done a lot of dating over the years, a lot. I’ve dated casually, seriously, exclusively and not committed. I was starting to believe I’d never meet anyone I might even want to marry.
    Yes, I’d like to be married and it would need to be a situation where I felt financially secure. His situation is temporary, and I do believe will change. To me, it’s worth the risk because I feel very happy with him and compatible… For lack of a sexier word. I dated a guy 2 years ago who was in a similar situation. I didn’t take it seriously because he didn’t meet my criteria. We broke up and not long after, his life all started to fall into place and he married the girl he was dating. All within a year of me dating him. I don’t know that I’d have wanted to marry him anyways, but I discarded him as even an option.
    I dont want to CD if I’m sleeping with someone. That doesn’t work for me. So, I’ll give SH. Some time and see what happens. I told him that I wouldn’t stay in an exclusive relationship with someone who couldn’t give me what I wanted long term. At this point, it doesn’t matter because I’m not ready to get married or live with him now.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:47am

  485. 485: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Annie 477, I see what you’re saying. And then it occurred to me that, in a way, he is the prize — let’s be real! I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with that, as long as the ‘balance’ of turq being the ultimate prize doesn’t get very skewed. Which I guess is why we are strategizing tools and coping mechanisms…

    haha i do have this image that feels creepy to me now, of two women fighting over SH now, even energetically. maybe we should reframe it to be like two people are fighting over TURQUOISE — sh and his ex… haha that’s more like it. cuz turquoise is the bomb and brings attention wherever her lovely self goes :D

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:53am

  486. 486: TamNo Gravatar says:

    482 Turqoise, your attitude feels healthy to me. Healthier than compartmentalising and ruling out men because they are not perfect. Dating and relationships is not the same as going into a supermarket and buying a packet of cereal with your perfect ingredients.
    Men are people and have pasts just like us.
    Staying open and seeing how things develop is the only way to a satisfying relationship in my humble opinion.
    I have made the same experience….I refused to date people because they had one or two things that I did not agree with..then I saw them date other women and after a while drop those things that I could not live with at the time.
    Now it feels better to give people a chance, especially when they make you feel good and you enjoy there company.
    Is there anything to lose?
    I think we lose more by not trying and giving up and expecting everything to be perfect before we even agree to meet for a coffee with them lol.
    You go girl.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:55am

  487. 487: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    I mean I won’t stay exclusive with him if things don’t change in my time limit. He has several important doctor appointments coming up in Feb. if they clear him to drive, he wants to go back to work and give up the disability income. Things could change drastically for him fairly soon. So, I feel ok with where we are now. The truth is, even someone you marry can lose a job… So not guaranteed that financial security I want.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:56am

  488. 488: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I feel nauseous saying this, but MrP has a plethora of issues that would be very difficult to deal with in the long term. But if he had been able to commit to me, all those issues wouldn’t have made a difference.
    It would have worked.
    So, yeah, let’s be real. People have problems, issues, get divored, re-married, stay separated for silly reasons, whatever.
    But when it fits, it fits. It just does.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:58am

  489. 489: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Like I have said before Turquoise only you know what you want and is best for you, not me or anyone else.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 7:58am

  490. 490: TamNo Gravatar says:

    485, yes, even if you marry someone can lose a job, get sick, cheat etc etc.
    There are NO guarantees.
    Even that perfect packet of cereal from the supermarket goes stale eventually.
    Life is change and adapting and accepting.
    Feeling philosophical today :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:00am

  491. 491: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    So, relying on myself and not a man for my financial security, and what they may bring to the table could be icing on the cake may be a better mind frame for me. What do you think? :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:02am

  492. 492: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Tam.

    “Staying open and seeing how things develop is the only way to a satisfying relationship in my humble opinion.”

    I feel in total agreement and I would now do my best to stay open whilst not getting too invested and not closing off any other options up until the point where of if there is was a dealbreaker.
    If there wasn’t I would keep him as one of my options.
    Completely respect that other people may think and feel differently and only they know what they feel is best for them and what feel right for them though.
    Each to their own.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:04am

  493. 493: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Turg 489. BINGO! If a man can and will provide it, GREAT. If he can’t, won’t, you will still be okay and so will your children. :) Think of the lesson you are teaching your girls too.

    Things happen. We have choices. My motto “Life can either conquer me or I can conquer it”. I prefer to conquer. :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:05am

  494. 494: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise,
    Whatever you do, don’t let us get under your skin. I let some comments here get under my skin with QZ and they loaded me up with the feelings of unmet expectations and doom for our budding relationship. I sabotaged myself, essentially, by way of letting comments and philosophies here get under my skin and shake me.

    Now that we have a second chance, I do things mostly my own way… of course i love being a part of this blog and getting and giving advice, and it wasn’t their fault. i just second guessed myself when i shouldn’t have been. now i know when not to second guess myself, and things feel so relaxed and easy 99% of the time.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:05am

  495. 495: Shar Lean Way BackNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana , yep on 428 and I like your website 453. That seems like it would be very rewarding and touching all those round baby bellies awww.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:05am

  496. 496: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    489: Turquoise says:

    “So, relying on myself and not a man for my financial security, and what they may bring to the table could be icing on the cake may be a better mind frame for me. What do you think? :) ”

    If that is what you want and what feels best and right for you.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:07am

  497. 497: TamNo Gravatar says:

    490 Annie, yep

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:09am

  498. 498: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Tam, Starla and Annie :) I do feel good about where I am.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:10am

  499. 499: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 477 – As human beings we develop filters through which we experience the world. Based on past experience we tend to make comparisons. I have seen Rori write that HE NEEDS TO EXPERIENCE YOU AS NEW AND NOT LIKE THE OTHER WOMAN OR HIS MOTHER. I have also seen Dominique suggest that.

    As such I totally agree with Starla’s comment. Men love the way they feel when they are around certain women so the key is to be that woman who creates that certain feeling that he just can’t put his finger on. It is about going about life in practical way with awareness that works.

    I see “give her enough rope” as a figure of speech to explain the concept, not to focus on the man as the prize. I take it to mean give yourself space to focus on your life while they work through their issues.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:12am

  500. 500: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 489 – I love it. Mindset “I want you but I don’t need you”.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:13am

  501. 501: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Tam
    “I feel nauseous saying this, but MrP has a plethora of issues that would be very difficult to deal with in the long term. But if he had been able to commit to me, all those issues wouldn’t have made a difference.
    It would have worked.:

    We all have issues and the issues he has were not deal breakers for you.
    You would have accepted him warts and all as the saying goes.
    And not been interested in getting rid off those warts.
    His warts would have been tolerable to you.
    They wouldn’t have to another woman but they were to you.
    X

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:14am

  502. 502: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “As human beings we develop filters through which we experience the world”

    Yes very true.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:17am

  503. 503: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    perception verses reality.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:17am

  504. 504: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Ty FW I understand what you are saying.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:19am

  505. 505: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 480 – Reason why many men are leary about commitment and responsibility. The energy around the word “responsibility” feels like a ball and chain around one’s neck. Is that what I would want my husband to feel? Most certainly not.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:20am

  506. 506: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    491: Lori says:

    “Turg 489. BINGO! If a man can and will provide it, GREAT. If he can’t, won’t, you will still be okay and so will your children. :) Think of the lesson you are teaching your girls too.

    Things happen. We have choices. My motto “Life can either conquer me or I can conquer it”. I prefer to conquer. :) ”

    The question for me would be do I want a man who can’t or won’t?
    What do I want?
    What relationship do I want?
    Do I want a man who wants to and is able to provide for me and the our children?
    Do I want my man to be the main provider, or soul provider if I stay at home?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:23am

  507. 507: TamNo Gravatar says:

    499…yes Annie. That’s it, basically.
    Sigh.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:23am

  508. 508: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “Do I want my man to be the main provider, or soul provider if I stay at home?”

    I wonder what the man wants?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:25am

  509. 509: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    80: Tam says:

    “You don’t own a spouse but the spouse has a responsibility towards his children and also towards the mother of his children, whom he married ’till death do us part’..very old fashioned principle, I know.
    When things go wrong, it doesn’t mean that the responsibility is gone all of a sudden.
    And a good man will honour that. Not quite the same as making oneself a victim.
    That would mean by having children, and choosing to stay at home to look after them, rather than pursuing a career, thus depending on our spouse somewhat, we make ourself a victim?
    I don’t think so.
    I really don’t.
    Personally, I would rather bring up children by myself then stick them into daycare also, and when finances allow and the man is happy with the arrangement, it is hardly being a victim – and when a divorce happens, it doesn’t automatically put the woman in the vistim role or does it?
    That would be terribly sad.”

    I feel in total agreement.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:26am

  510. 510: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    the man is happy with the arrangement – I wonder how and when we verify or clarify this?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:28am

  511. 511: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, you wouldn’t want your husband to feel a sense of responsibility towards both of your children and his wife?
    Just theoretically speaking.
    Not having any feelings of responsibility sounds scary to me. Like he might just take off and not look back..the opposite extreme of the word is irresponsible….hmmm.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:29am

  512. 512: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    503: Femininewomansays:

    @RE 480 – Reason why many men are leary about commitment and responsibility. The energy around the word “responsibility” feels like a ball and chain around one’s neck. Is that what I would want my husband to feel? Most certainly not.”

    All grown up people have responsibilities.
    I have no control over other peoples feelings.
    What I want and my feelings come before my concerns for a grown up mans feelings.
    I trust him to care of his own feelings I don’t want to be his mummy.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:29am

  513. 513: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    That would mean by having children, and choosing to stay at home to look after them, rather than pursuing a career, thus depending on our spouse somewhat, we make ourself a victim?

    Not at all. My focus was on “choosing” not to sign the divorce papers which was what he apparently wanted. Locking oneself into a situation to MAKE him manup to his responsibility is likely to create resentment in the other person.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:31am

  514. 514: TamNo Gravatar says:

    508 FW, how about open and honest communication?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:32am

  515. 515: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    I wouldn’t want to marry a man who didn’t want that responsibility or would that really be a man/boy and doubt they would ask as we would not be compatible.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:32am

  516. 516: sunshineNo Gravatar says:

    Good afternoon, Annie and all the sirens who read my story. I couldnt sleep last night. I wondered if it was the right thing to take back the truth to his “baby momma.” I know she didnt buy it however when I took it back because she kept saying “hmmm” in the facebook messages. i feel guilty that I took it back because every woman should have a right to know and I thats one of the reasons I told her at first, but also because of the anger I felt that he betrayed me. anyway, when he talked to me and when I saw pictures of them with their son on his profile, I felt a sad feeling. I felt unatracted to him, and I saw a couple from a less developed country trying to get by. Hes here in the US to bring back money for them, I always knew that but the lie was that he was still with her and not that “they are not in any way together.” I feel so angry when I think of all the arguments we had about this and how he tried to make me feel controlling and making assumptions. he tried to make me feel as if I was insecure for believing things that Im “making up” and therefore questioning my protective feelings that were Right On. Anyway, I took it back what I wrote because I felt somekind of sadness for what seems like even an attempt to a family. I dont know I feel strange. I also did it because I feel a little scared of him. Now that I know his lies and deciet, I feel scared that if I didnt he would hurt me some how. this feels like a stretch but Im alone in this city. He lives in the neighborhood that I work at, he knows my job, home, and the college I go to. Thats another reason why I took it back. Regardless I feel weird about what i did stating “oh im sorry its the wrong guy.”

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:32am

  517. 517: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “What I want and my feelings come before my concerns for a grown up mans feelings.”

    Sure. Now how do I get a man to pay for my stuff that I want? Though he might not want to pay?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:33am

  518. 518: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Not at all. My focus was on “choosing” not to sign the divorce papers which was what he apparently wanted. Locking oneself into a situation to MAKE him manup to his responsibility is likely to create resentment in the other person.”

    Who cares if he feels resentment what is best for the woman and her children is more important than his manboy feelings of resentment.
    I’d leave him to take care of his own feelings until I was in a finacially viable place to get out of that marraige personally.
    What is best for my children will always come before any mans feelings.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:37am

  519. 519: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 509 – I agree Tam. He might want to take off and not look back. However, taking 100% responsibility for my life is a concept that I subscribe to.

    He has to want to make that choice for himself. A choice where he feels deep inside him this is where he wants to be wants to do. That is his basic masculine instinct kicking in. All about him and what he wants in his life. I know men out there who are like that. Even though they recognize they lose in the long run they are committed to taking care of their family no matter what is happening with the relationship.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:38am

  520. 520: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    “Sure. Now how do I get a man to pay for my stuff that I want? Though he might not want to pay?”

    If I am married i don’t have to get him to do anything, it isn’t his money it is ours.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:38am

  521. 521: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    feelings of responsibility – Tam I would rather he be motivated out of his masculine instinct to provide and protect.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:40am

  522. 522: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I hate feeling responsible or having anyone say or do anything that makes me feel responsible. That is where I have identified that I start developing feelings of resentment.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:41am

  523. 523: TamNo Gravatar says:

    515 The right man for me will want to take care of me to the best of his abilities, be it financially or emotionally…he would happily take the responsibilties that come with raising a family and would not see them as a burden or demand, or something to shirk, even when things turned sour and there was a divorce.
    Frankly, I never had any problems…there was once a guy I dated who said he categorically didn’t want any kids. I asked him what would he do if there was an ‘accident’ (as we all know this can happen).
    He mumbled something, and said he would make damn sure there wouldn’t be one.
    I never met the guy again.
    Dealbreaker.
    All the men I date seriously are not responsibility shirkers or scared of giving. Even Curly with his limited financial means would no doubt do his best to honour his responsibilities.
    I don’t expect a man to ‘keep’ me at all, and have often shared financial responsibilities 50/50 with bf’s.
    But for me it is a huge attraction when I can see a man will do his best to make my life comfortable and make me happy and honour responsibilities.
    Others have other priorities, those are mine.
    And, obviously, loooooove :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:41am

  524. 524: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Let him go bye bye.
    However I would use the law to get what me and my children are entitles to,
    That is the deal he made and what grown up men do.
    Otherwise society end up taking responsibility rather than the individual man.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:41am

  525. 525: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    515″The right man for me will want to take care of me to the best of his abilities, be it financially or emotionally…he would happily take the responsibilties that come with raising a family and would not see them as a burden or demand, or something to shirk, even when things turned sour and there was a divorce.”

    Absolutely.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:42am

  526. 526: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    FW, have you any children?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:43am

  527. 527: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Who are responsible for their children?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:44am

  528. 528: TamNo Gravatar says:

    519, do they have to be mutually exclusive? I don’t think so.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:44am

  529. 529: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 521 Yeah Tam. That is why early in the relationship we lean back and let the man show who he is. When we get caught up in oxytocin attachments many times we miss the signs and the little “lemon drops” he offers about where he is at.

    At times things build up later on the relationship so he shifts. As a human being he is entitled to. That is where and when our intuition should serve us and we revisit our commitments.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:45am

  530. 530: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    One of the ways in a mans mind that makes the difference between romance and friendship is who pays.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:46am

  531. 531: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    519: Femininewoman says:

    “feelings of responsibility – Tam I would rather he be motivated out of his masculine instinct to provide and protect.”

    Aren’t they the same?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:47am

  532. 532: TamNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t hate feelings of responsibility, I see them as a part of a grown up adult life. I use electricity, my responsibility is to pay the bill. Does that make me angry? not at all.
    That;s how society works.
    When I have a pet, I feel caring toward the pet. Loving, caring and a sense of responsibility.
    This can be a little burden but a burden I am willing to take, as it has a multitude of rewards.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:48am

  533. 533: AnnieNo Gravatar says:

    Getting real here as a woman if I have children, it is going to be damn near impossible for me to get a high enough paying job and have enough energy yo do that job and take care of my children.
    I didn’t have children to be the man and the woman.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:50am

  534. 534: TamNo Gravatar says:

    527, very very true.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:51am

  535. 535: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I agree with FW…

    Feeling “responsible” for the feelings, happiness, and security of another adult feels heavy and burdensome.

    I prefer to make a commitment to take care of these things for myself. And choose to give any abundance to others as feels right.

    And I want this from my man as well. I want him to take care of his own stuff and give to me all that he WANTS to give. And I will happily receive whatever that might be.

    But I do see that when there are children involved, it’s something different. A man may not owe ME anything…but he needs to take responsibility for his children. They are not able to care for themselves.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:52am

  536. 536: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    I didn’t have children to be the man and the woman either but if I have to be, I’m going to do the very best that I can. I educated myself so that I could get a better paying job to support them. We’ve done just fine. Nor will I allow the lemons I’ve received to sour my life. I’m proud of my accomplishments and how my kids have grown up. It’s all about choices. I can’t control what he does or doesn’t do but I can control what I do and how I do it. I work hard and play harder. :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:54am

  537. 537: TamNo Gravatar says:

    531..haha…that made me laugh Annie, but you know, it is true….we women want to do it all and often end up in a spin and wrecks because of it.
    I certainly don’t want to do it all.
    I don’t want to be a woman as well as a man without a penis.
    And interestingly, this is the biggest complaint I hear from men:
    ‘why are women these days like men?’
    In fact, Curly said to me that before he met me, he found it impossible to meet feminine soft women for years and years….that should tell us something.
    Many men thrive when taking responsibility and charge. Why not let them? :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:54am

  538. 538: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I see it different when it comes to relationships, especially romantic relationships.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:59am

  539. 539: TamNo Gravatar says:

    And I really take my hat off single mothers.
    I was brought up by one.
    But I would not want that for my children. If I ever had any, I would hope and hope and hope that it would never happen to me…and the relationship would stay intact at least until the kids are teenagers.
    I know we never know, and maybe it’s the reason why I don’t have kids. That is the big scary black cloud hanging over it for me. Because my childhood was not rosy at all. And I would not want to repeat that.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 8:59am

  540. 540: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    K2012 re: #413

    Yes! Changing behavior based on breaking our past patterns is the way to go! Brava! :-)

    You can go even deeper by asking yourself what was I attempting to receive from him by playing Social Director? Security? Control? Approval? Acceptance?

    Then the next time when you have the impulse to play Social Director you can look to give yourself what you need, or redirect that to something else.

    Shifting our behavior from pure will can be very hard because it fights against our subconscious programming. Having an understanding of what that behavior is attempted to get you is the first step toward changing the behavior from the inside out, rather than sheer will.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:00am

  541. 541: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Tam, I don’t think any of us choose to be single mothers. Sometimes there is no choice. I choose to make the best of it and do the very best of it. I want my children to learn from me that sometimes life, love, doesn’t go as expected or desired. How we handle it from there on makes all the difference.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:02am

  542. 542: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    he needs to take responsibility for his children – the bonding process that takes place between men and their children helps a man identify how he wants to be with his kids. Some men choose to walk away, for whatever reason.

    The thing is what I choose to focus on making the man do and how I give my energy to that. It is still being laser focussed on the man.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:03am

  543. 543: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LorI believe that is a very healthy choice you have made with awareness.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:05am

  544. 544: TamNo Gravatar says:

    Lori, exactly what I am saying.
    I just went through hell as a kid and if I can help it in any any way, I’d rather not have kids. The man who would be the father of my children would have to be an extraordinary one….I would rather not have kids and am pretty unusual from most women in that respect.
    That’s me personally. Like I said, I take my hat off to single mothers.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:05am

  545. 545: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turq your comment ended up building into a discussion that you might not have intended. However, I believe it happened for a reason. So I would encourage you to look at things between you and SH as it relates to responsibility for kids also. Some of us women assume responsibilites for men’s kids even though the man does not want this. Sometimes we do this early on in relationships to prove to men that we are good enough. Many times unconsciously.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:09am

  546. 546: TamNo Gravatar says:

    FW, my father shirked his responsibility to me – not financially – but emotionally, as a child.
    I would not want to be with a man who turned out like that. Personal choice. If I have kids, if ever, I want to assure to the best of my ability that they grow into healthy adults. Romantic relationship or not. Relationships, like everything, need a healthy backbone too, even more so when kids are involved.
    My opinion may not be everyones, just mine.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:09am

  547. 547: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks ladies. :)

    Believe me, I wish for my kids’s sake that their dad wanted to have a more active role in their lives but he has chosen not to. I can’t make him desire it nor do it but I can help and teach my children how to handle it.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:10am

  548. 548: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Reading about women being a man’s responsibility is making me cringe…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:24am

  549. 549: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Oii Mercedes!!!

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:32am

  550. 550: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    BTW Turquoise can you see how focussing on scarcity and limitation could have led to those actions?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:33am

  551. 551: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lori as he gets older, he might very well change that choice. I have seen men realize at a late stage in life, like a light bulb going off. They themselves acknowledge their own loss. There is nothing like them realizing for themselves.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:36am

  552. 552: TamNo Gravatar says:

    responisbility shirkers make me cringe a lot more.
    the world is full of them.
    there are guys who will get a woman pregnant and do a runner – that’s what makes me cringe, frankly.
    ‘it’s not my responsibility’
    so whose is it?
    The state’s?
    Only the woman’s?
    G*d’s?
    Well, we just need to go back into fairly recent human history, say 5000 years ago. When a woman would be helpless in childbirth and the very early days or rearing a small child.
    It is what it is, men can’t get pregnant and bear children.
    So yes, the child and the woman WERE the man’s or the extended family’s responsibility.
    And really, have we come so far away from that?
    Really?
    Only on the back of women who try to do it all and come away with nervous breakdowns. They have measured that the stress in the lives of women over the last 50 years has trebled, while men’s stress levels remain the same.
    Hmmmmm.
    Funny, that. I wonder why?!

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:40am

  553. 553: TamNo Gravatar says:

    549 FW. I disagree. I believe a man to walk away from his own flesh and blood for years or whatever has a character fault. I have seen them return years later also, for a bit, and try to redeem their guilty conscience..often to the detriment of child and mother. And just as often they disappear again.
    Sad but that’s often what happens.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:42am

  554. 554: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi sirens, I want to respond to all this, but can’t from my phone on a bathroom break, so I will write more later today. There is a lot more to my story, my situation, timing with military deployments, etc. that factored in to all of it. I did what I felt was best and have never regretted it.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:43am

  555. 555: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Tereana, last night I went home and definitely decluttered and cleaned up. I’ll do it again tonight:D.

    I felt so much better. I started feeling hopeful and abundant again :D

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:44am

  556. 556: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tam I feel confused about what your disagreement is about?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:44am

  557. 557: TamNo Gravatar says:

    by ‘walk away’ I mean seriously walking away, shirking financial and emotional responsibilites in favour of an ‘easy life’…for years, often decades.
    These guys, often, act like that due to own issues stemming from their own upbringing…and it takes serious effort/awareness to heal that. Sadly having worked in the field for a little while, most of them don’t go through the trouble of healing/changing – or just don’t know different. Very sad….but, some try…

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:46am

  558. 558: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise that is great. Every relationship has lessons.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:49am

  559. 559: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Orna 538 said:

    Then the next time when you have the impulse to play [any role] you can look to give yourself what you need, or redirect that to something else.

    Shifting our behavior from pure will can be very hard because it fights against our subconscious programming. Having an understanding of what that behavior is attempted to get you is the first step toward changing the behavior from the inside out, rather than sheer will.

    I love this! Thanks!

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:57am

  560. 560: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Starla it amazing how clutter can have us feeling constricted even though many times we really don’t recognize it. I recently cleaned up my previous department before I moved. We were able to get rid of several filing cabinets. It was amazing how walking down the corridors felt different. It felt like there was more air to breathe in and I felt inspired to go skipping down the corridors with my hands outstreched like a kid skydiving and floating on air. I felt really surprised about how the change affected my internal state.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 9:59am

  561. 561: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sami, you rock!!! I got into writing an entire post in response to you – so I’m going to publish it as a full post, with your question at top (and no name)….Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:01am

  562. 562: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sami – . But then why does he feel the need to write and hide

    Maybe because he does not want to hurt you yet want to be respectful and respond to the message he got. Maybe ignoring the message feels disrespectful to him.

    Sami I believe also snooping/spying on a man is unhealthy. If your intuition is showing you that you have trust issues maybe it is to help you do the innerwork. I wouldn’t want someone snooping on me. I would feel violated. If your intuition is telling you he is cheating in some way I agree you can’t ignore it. I wonder if there was another to have asked him “is there something I need to know”? Men are well aware of a woman’s intuition and I do believe we can talk about it with our men.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:13am

  563. 563: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel kind of terrified that there are actually a lot of opportunities to work on the weekends now that i’m looking for a 2nd job. i feel scared to take control and get ahead.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:14am

  564. 564: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sami – She said yes to my ring , as you had assured me.

    This comment feels really sweet in my gut. Like the excitement I feel watching fireworks on July 4 or at DisneyWorld. He might have an emotional attachment to this woman but he obviously adore you enough to be discussing you with her. It seems he might know you are high status and was unsure that you would have accepted him as a husband so he asked her for her opinion. She seems to believe in him more than he believes in himself. I believe he might be a tad insecure. I wouldn’t encourage my ex to propose to another woman if I wanted him for myself. Would you? What do you think?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:19am

  565. 565: IamabutterflyNo Gravatar says:

    new thread up. :)

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:33am

  566. 566: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    my ex boyfriend from a long time ago consulted me for every single step of the way of his proposal with his current fiance. i still love him as a friend, and i will always be there for him and wish him well and call him on his birthday. if she asked him to put a stop to it, i’d understand, but she would be paranoid and off base in doing it, and i bet he’d end up resenting her big time.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:41am

  567. 567: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I believe it is Renee Piane who says she encourages men to have something like a road partner in their lives. Someone who they turn to bounce things off of. I have men friends in my life who do this kind of thing with me too. I clearly remember one literally writing down everything his then girlfriend said and asking if they made sense. He was determined to marry her and was looking for things to pick her logic apart. Especially when she was playing hard to get. They are still happily married today, over 20 years later. HE wanted her.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 10:45am

  568. 568: SamiNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Rori for your support. I felt so good to hear that encouragement from you. I wait for your advice.

    Feminine woman: Thanks for your support too. A hug. I feel I can be a diva and trust completely but I am a normal girl here. I can trust his 3 close female friends with whom he feels emotionally attached but I cannot trust him around 27 close female friends. You know what I mean? I feel this will drive me crazy. Also, I felt very triggered today when I read closely his exchanges with his female friends.. ( as he suggested me to do and you will see later in this email )There is not much difference there between my exchanges…he also writes them really long. He is so open and transparent with them..I feel amazed… and I almost feel certain I cannot deal with this…I feel a sickness in my tummy when I see my man giving so much energy towards other women…they have a space in his life and I respect that but I do not feel comfortable in sharing these ultra long and emotional sharing with so many women..Frankly , my heart knows that I love him and he loves me. I have just hit him on his trigger this time. He knows he has been caught red handed..he is reacting so defensively because he knows there is something here that feels less transparent and more like hiding…he has to resolve this internal trigger for himself..for me..no I do not want the ex to have contact with him..and maximum I can deal with is for him to tell me 3-4 close female friends with whom he would like to continue detailed exchanges after we are married. beyond that…i must take care of myself and all this woman traffic jam will affect my mental and emotional health. I cannot take this risk.

    To complete the information you have, rori. this is how he has answered me: Please do not go only on the i love you because he still feels convinced that its ok to write to his ex in spite of me saying it so clearly – its a deal breaker for me.

    honey,

    I have been thinking the whole evening and morning how to react to your email. I have to admit, reading it makes me sad, I feel disappointed, misunderstood and with this I feel weak. I don’t understand why? What is the matter? Why all this?

    All I can say is that I love you. And it breaks my heart to see you don’t feel that love and devotion.

    I can’t understand why you would feel the need to set up these boundaries as it was my intention to hurt you, to not make you emotionally healthy, loved and respected. The man you desire and describe in the email, I am convinced that I am the man, and I subscribe to basically everything you wrote. But apparently my self-understanding is a little torn and my actions don’t come across as I want them. And that makes me sad. In this regard, if you have the feeling that I make you feel unwell, of course you have the choice in accepting wether my choices work for you or not.

    For the facts: I don’t keep in touch with ex-girlfriends. It is only Marie that wrote to me. ( Marie writes to him often and he ALWAYS answers her – never ignoring any email) And all I replied was that I’m in a loving relationship, that I wish her all the best, and that is it. And if there are other intentions conveyed in these emails and messages, than I must be stupid… because I don’t know what I’m saying.

    Every other message I sent and received, was only to friends, as I was never physically, romantically and emotionally close to anyone else in the last six years than you. And if people receive it otherwise, it is there problem. And I want you to know that this is a trigger for me. I kept so much distance to other women, I did not give in to amours. And now, I feel I have to justify myself for apparent emotional relations with other women I never had. I devoted all these years to find the one and only, and I feel I found her, and now I’m sitting here writing this message. And that hurts.

    I encourage you though – you have the iPad with you – read all the messages you like. I have nothing to hide. I did what I did, and I do what I do. And what I do is that I love you, that I try to spend a beautiful life with you, that I miss you when you are not around, that I try to seize every possibility that is available to be with you, that I try to make you rest in certainty without any fear of the future or presence, and I wish that you love me the same, that we don’t care about the world out there, that we don’t put up boundaries, because if we don’t love each other unconditional and trust each other, we won’t make it. The world out there is not helping us, they smile when things are going well and turn whenever it is awkward.

    I feel the need to spend some time with myself today. Go to the gym, clean the apartment, sort things out, make a famous german plan, being receptive for love-letters from you, and indulge in the hope for the future I described to you… where I feel happy, where I find my rush, adrenalin, ego boost and pride in concentrating on being devoted to you and loving you and being a committed partner;; … ;; and where I see a loving and committed partner, that gets her happiness and tenderness from the man she is with.

    Also I want to tell you, that I gave you the ring also as a sign, that for me you are the only one, that I’m bound, that I’m not a free man anymore, and that you can rely on the fact that I only love you.

    I have not answered his message yet. Because I must separate my own triggers and reach a solution which i feel will be best for both of us.

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013 @ 3:00pm

  569. 569: samiNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, please help !!! He has called me today two times but I feel so shut down and I feel resentful. I feel I have hit against a wall…I have hit against his biggest trigger…cause he knows deep down inside…that its wrong to hide..that commitment means being devoted and sending all your energy to the woman you love…And he has to solve his own trigger..I dont feel i am demanding too much…. I feel I am simply being honest about feeling jealous and uncomfortable in this situation…also that he writes such long emotional messages with so many of his female friends…

    Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 12:42am

  570. 570: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Sami – You don’t know what he really knows or believes, and really it doesn’t matter here.

    This triggers YOU, and it triggers you deeply enough to be a deal breaker. This is what needs to be looked at.

    You could do some really deep inner searching and work (which will likely take some time) to see why this triggers you SO much. This is an opportunity to do some wonderful which can only serve you whether you stay with this man or not.

    I tend to believe him that all of this interaction means nothing to him, AND i also believe he loves you deeply.

    Yet if I was in your shoes, I’m not so sure I would be able to or would want to deal with this either.

    So now take your focus away from him. You told him how you feel, so saying more would not serve any purpose other than possibly upset you even more.

    The ball is in his court. He will do what he does, and you cannot control this.

    If you want to speak to him, answer his calls, then do so. If you’re not ready, then don’t.

    Again I believes he’s crazy about you, yet it is this enough for you?

    Can you get clear on this? I think you may be too worked up right now.

    So do what you can to soothe yourself. Be kind and very gentle with yourself. Try to calm your mind and gain more clarity.

    The choice is yours where you go from here. I can’t tell you nor can anyone else.

    Sending love.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 5:46am

  571. 571: samiNo Gravatar says:

    thanks Dominique so much. big hugs for being there for doing this for me.
    I agree with every word you have said there. And while i do believe I am triggered by him exchanging such long emails with his ex and other female friends, I do not want to work on this trigger because I feel its very demanding to expect it from myself. by nature i believe, i am trusting, respecting…and I feel there are certain conditions a man MUST fulfill inorder to make his woman feel secure… good men don’t do this kind of stuff…they don’t do stuff that will unnecessarily make the woman they love insecure.. he has called me so many times this morning…And i almost felt irritated when he texted saying..its not a problem at all and we both know. then why are we behaving this way?
    And i was like…its not a problem for you ..but i clearly wrote it its a deal breaker for me..which also made me felt a bit unheard….disregarded…
    I feel he is so convinced about what he does….there is no room for him to reflect upon it…which hurts me..because i feel it should matter when something hurts me,,.its worth a consideration to reflect upon it

    I did a lot of ipad searching last evening- as he had suggested me to do – and all my intuition was confirmed. The women I dont like around him…are exactly the women he probably once had a major crush on..they probably weren’t interested so they kept him as a friend…of course these women used him in someway..they still do but that’s not my business… The thing here is that I trust my intuition…As I said before..he can point out 3 close girlfriends to me that he wants to write these long emails to and I will accept it …But I will not accept such interactions with every female…I will go crazy Dominique…I feel its unfair for me to ask from myself this kind of tolerance and freedom for him..the truth is that I have cut out from all my exs and men who were potentially targetting me… ever since he made me wear the ring…and I feel hurt at this point…This is not something i can deal with in marriage…also this writing to his ex and then deleting the message…hiding etc…This is a horrible pattern. I don’t want it. I am not writing back to his texts or receiving his calls because I have nothing new to say. He has to reflect and say what he feels he can do for me to solve this issue. One female that i don’t like around him..i discovered he actually had said to her..i love you…because i place so much trust in the person you are… Of course I feel triggered that these women are in his life and write to him constantly..I cannot deal with it..I want a fully devoted man. I feel heartbroken.

    Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 7:12am

  572. 572: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Okay then Sami, and this is good. You are very clear on these boundaries.

    I still think it would be a good idea to at least look at this inside. This doesn’t mean you will change your mind in any way.

    Triggers are wonderful opportunities to learn more about yourself even if you don’t do anything with the knowledge.

    So I’m not asking you to tolerate anything which feels this badly, just try to understand what this is in you. You may never come up with an answer though.

    I have a trigger which I have looked at upside down and inside out, working to understand, incorporate, integrate, accept, and have not yet been able to and may never. Sometimes it just is, and this is okay.

    I do agree that your man “should” be sensitive to this though I don’t like to use that word which is why it’s in quote.

    And I do agree that this is not behavior I would want in my relationship. My husband for example not only wouldn’t dream of doing this, it wouldn’t even cross his consciousness.

    So it seems to me you’ve made your choice. The ball is still in in his court, so let’s wait and see what he does with it.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 31 January 2013 @ 8:17am

  573. 573: k2012No Gravatar says:

    “You can go even deeper by asking yourself what was I attempting to receive from him by playing Social Director? Security? Control? Approval? Acceptance?”. Wow I am just getting a chance to respond. I have been busy all week. Oh gosh. I will copy and paste this response to the next post. But thank u so much for your response Orna. Appreciate it. Now what was I hoping to achieve. I don’t know. I think I just wanted to use my initiative u know. Cause sometimes men are a little slow in organizing things so I just decided to take the lead. But trust me, I have learnt from the previous relationship. I am not finding the time to circular date at all. Too busy to go out. I want to meet at least one other person cause I am not going to put my hope in one man only AT THIS STAGE. This is the beginning with overseas cd and I will certainly leave things up to him re visiting me. I am not going to tell him about options. I don’t think I feel comfortable doing that. However, the second person I meet, I will tell them that there is another friend. I was wondering to myself that if I mention to overseas cd that I have options, he might think he has too. Rori said in a post I saw today on the previous thread that men are not supposed to circular date, only we women are suppose to circular date. They are suppose to want US. That’s right. Cause I was saying if I told overseas cd that, he might think he can do it too although he could very well be doing that and I don’t know. I am going to be on a few days break from work and here’s opening that I will indeed find time to go out with a friend of mine. We are in the same profession and so busy. But Orna, I think I just like to organize things, I suppose. From now on, I will allow the man to take the lead.

    Saturday, 2 February 2013 @ 2:13pm

  574. 574: SharonNo Gravatar says:

    I loved reading all the comments on here.
    Thoughts:
    let everything go, use RR’s elements tools, air and water, light and free.
    keep cding and don’t feel bad about it.
    I want to be someone who makes others feel safe and loved.

    Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 4:21am

  575. 575: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Sharon, Welcome, and I deleted your last name for your privacy, unless you’re a coach and want us to know who you are – is so, let me know! Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 5:50pm

  576. 576: SharonNo Gravatar says:

    thank you rori!

    Wednesday, 13 February 2013 @ 11:53pm

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