You have this amazing ability to communicate in the way that really “gets through,” that connects. I was weeping twice during your teleseminar.
While I recognize some of the small bits from the stuff I read or heard about in other conversations, it connects those parts&pieces into a whole that feels stable enough to be able to hold me, with all of my emotional turmoil. It provides what I need – both solid theoretical context (theory makes me feel SAFE, I don’t like following advise that doesn’t really go into details about why&how something works which is how most of the people give advice – you just “should” do “this” or “that”) and the practical tools I can use.
And a great deal of the approach you lay out is simply new for me. I was searching for answers and ways to deal with my emotions a lot on the Internet. It was first when I found your site (through a Facebook link), I felt I got ahold of something that can really help me.
And yes – I trusted, because I find out that even the tiny bits I tried to work a bit on my own (blog/book) actually started to give results in reality.. I hope that’s not another projection of mine.
And here comes the e-mail where the words are probably not that carefully chosen. And where I display typical trait of me: writing too long.
And the more you remain in your head – the more difficult it will be to get connected to the kind of man you clearly want.
Yes, you’re ABSOLUTELY right!! I know that. But I still want to connect to him. Reality is morphable, right? I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT THAT’S POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I connect? With my feelings. And WITH HIM. Not just with “that kind of a man”. How do I connect and not push him away?
What kind of a connection we have and what kind of a connection I want:
What I’m reading is – you are in love with a man who wants only a friendship with you. You value this friendship highly, though it is causing you pain because it is only a friendship – when you crave a romantic, sexual, full-blown connection with him.
Well… yes, you read me quite well. But. The problem is, I don’t even know if he even wants friendship with me…
If I KNEW he wanted friendship, I would be much, much happier!!!
I don’t know how he perceives me. It is ME who wants to be friends with him. Does he want the same? His definitely not “doing” a lot to show that… But CAN he? If he “knows” how I feel (I never SAID that, but I’m sure he knows)?
Maybe he’s scared I’m going to try to push it further, that’s why he’s holding the distance? Going further is absolutely impossible, even if he ever wanted that, which I seriously doubt. As I said – intimate relation is out of a question. It would be completely unethical.
I wouldn’t label our current relationship as “friendship.” Not in the way I view friendship, which I wrote about before.
The current relationship is just official, though quite warm&friendly in tone. Friend-tone in talking, official-tone in correspondence, normal hugs & jokes included.
We do not hang out or spend any time privately at all – but that’s also partly because of the nature of our current relationship (official). We went out to the pub once, but that was ages ago, and there were other people which he invited too.
We see each other (official context) a few times a week, of course not face-to-face, we hold the e-mail contact as I’m the contact person between him and the rest of the group. I have him as a contact in one of my social network platforms. Sometimes, very rarely, we have an SMS-contact. He never writes about anything that’s not related to the official connection.
We had an amazing period of writing e-mails that were not official (the official context was not actual at that time, one period has just ended, and I didn’t know I would have official contact with him again). I was the one to initiate it, but the response was truly amazing. It was always just a response though. I always answered, but it usually took me some time. He usually answered quite quickly, though sometimes he didn’t answer at all.
We were still going around the same subject that got us connected officially, but in a totally mind-blowing, poetic, philosophical way. Extremely inspirational, extremely dynamical. Words breathing, morphing, reaching out, double & triple meanings. Humor. Fun. Pulsing with life.
For me (here I have to be careful of the projection) it felt that there was also something more there. But between the lines. It was as if we were talking about one thing.. but on another level we were writing about ourselves and about our own writing. Hyper self-reflexivity in action. Connecting without actually connecting. Everything in the mind.
Then I wrote one e-mail which was a bit too much and too intense… I made a mistake, stating something that I felt just between the lines (and it could have been me all along..) in the wide-open too soon. Wanting a OPEN (not metaphorical) conversation about it, just to clear out some things, just to know where we’re standing. I formulated it.. well not so “brilliantly”. The contact broke immediately.
No answer. I wrote another e-mail, as I thought it was just one of those times he doesn’t respond to some of my e-mails. This e-mail of mine was even worse, it clearly showed me as a needy, clingy and paranoid person. And I felt I was going through hell. No answer. As I promised earlier first to write one story to the end, I decided to write it ANYWAY, you know, up to three times try. This time, in the e-mail, I drew back.
I distanced myself and created the narrative distance to my previous reactions. And.. what do you know? I got an answer! Not immediately though, it took two days. The answer was much-much shorter than our usual conversation. It still had bits of poetic writing over it, but it was much more detached.
Our e-mail conversation remained detached, especially compared to that period, ever since. That was about 10 months ago.
NOW we write only official stuff. I’m trying to keep that as short as he does.. I only answer now, apart from writing when there is an official issue that needs resolving.
The official context appeared again and he (his initiation) encouraged me to be a part of it.
It was quite good at the beginning, I was fearing he would behave coldly – he didn’t, it was just in writing. It was OK, but I didn’t feel that he particularly liked me. Or disliked me. I felt the distance, though he was never “cold”. I couldn’t read if he likes me or not.
But as the time went and I got involved in the process-based project which involved a lot of working around/through emotional blockades, I found myself in the old spiral of negativity again. If anything positive came up from his side, I couldn’t even be glad because of that. I was ONLY seeing what was missing. Constantly scanning the environment for the signs that he “liked” and “appreciated” the other people (both girls & guys, that is just PEOPLE) more than me. That the hug that someone else got was made in another way or that the person got it more often.
And so on. PA-RA-NO-IA. Of course – the more I searched for, the more I saw. And the more I actually triggered – but that I didn’t understand (it was first when I read your texts I got it), because of my vibe. I was “leaning back” in the wrong way, in a way that was just not sticking out a lot, that was just tensed and filled with pain.
Before the new official period started in February, I read your book and found your YT videos. I discovered your blog. I started the new contact-period with a strong will of transforming the current situation, both when it comes to my clinging, but also when it comes to the distanced I perceived. There were a few surprises along the way.. generally I can say, that though I’m still struggling with myself, and it’s an up-and-down process, I think I’ve actually managed to create a much more laid-back space around me.
And.. that worked! Not in any “spectacular” way, but he begun to initiate jokes, relate to what I say (eh, but almost never when I talk TO him, only when I’m talking to the group), acknowledge me more like it used to be before. And hug me more ;). The last few weeks.. It just felt good. Calm. For the first time in a long time. The positive things FEEL as really positive AGAIN. The writing is still official and short though.
But RIGHT NOW.. I don’t know.. I tried a feeling message lately + sharing a moment.. and I have a feeling (maybe wrong!), that it pushed him back again.. just when the things have started to look much, much better. That’s why I asked you about certain words. Probably I used it in a way that felt needy.. and made him unsure around me again. Ufff..
But more about that in another e-mail. You’ve already devoted a lot of your time to reading through this.
I’m sorry, I have problems with writing short.
The thing is – ALL of this “figuring out” is completely the OPPOSITE of what you want to do.
STOP yourself from all this mental activity and sink into your body and heart.
It will feel scary and weird. PRACTICE.
What will happen is that you will build NEW neural pathways in your brain, and the obsession and figuring out will fade – because you’ll start to enjoy just BEING in the moment MORE.
It is not important what he’s thinking. It’s only important what he’s DOING.
And if you need to know – don’t figure out – ASK HIM DIRECTLY what he’s thinking and feeling – and LISTEN TO HIM!
I know this is a short answer to a long question – but, really – it’s a short question.
It’s asking for the kind of “outside” answers that are in my programs – in Love Scripts especially – only without all the “inner” work that all my programs – Love Scripts, too – do for you as a powerful COMBO.
The work we’re doing here is all-inclusive. The outer stuff – the words, the body language – work with the inner stuff of practicing paying attention to the words and body language.
Once you’ve got the inner “noticing” and “awareness” parts of this down, the words and body language you’ve been practicing AT THE SAME TIME all work SO much better and more simply.
It all just comes together in a magical way. The outer feeds the inner, the inner enhances the outer…it all works together.
You start to experience your mind and body and heart working in “concert” – instead of always choosing your mind first.
It’s kind of mechanical, in that you dig in and get your “boy” to help you practice the Tools on real men out in the world – and then that reliability of practice allows your feminine energy to run free! It allows your “girl” to experience joy, have fun, and get what she wants.
I want to combine the best of both worlds – of “giving you fish” and teaching you “how to fish” – AND whenever you’re learning how to do anything, practice is part of the package. So – you eat the fish I give you, and you learn how to fish. One helps you do the other.
AND, the self-learning makes you feel so much stronger, so much smarter and cleverer and powerful and gorgeous and confident – just because it’s something you can do for yourself – WITHOUT worrying about results, because I’m still giving you fish!
So – use the Feeling Messages in the simple formula of “I feel….what do you think?” Or “I feel….I don’t want….what do you think?” – and that’ll get you fish for days!
At the same time – you practice noticing what you’re actually FEELING – and that grows your feeling vocabulary, it settles you down, it shifts your vibe!