Here’s an amazing letter from Amelia, and a super difficult, scary and unpleasant situation.
This post’s about the way we choose to “see things,” and how we so often try to find someone or something to blame just to help us make SENSE of something senseless, and how we usually end up blaming ourselves – especially when we feel scared about pushing a man away by doing something “wrong.”
Amelia’s man is “Bob…”:
“Hi Rori, here in Peru, I wish I could say its been great but it hasn’t, I went out with this guy so I could do the circular dating and stop waiting on Bob . We had lunch and after we took a cab to go home and we were assaulted by 3 men it was absolutely terrifying…you have no idea all the things that went through my head about what they could do to us…they had us in the car for 2 hours until they were able to get money out of my friends bank account and then they left us in the middle of nowhere …
I prayed the whole time that god would keep us safe and thank goodness we made it back home I wonder if I felt so guilty about going out with someone else and I was punished or what but I am really scared now …
I wish it had been an easier and better more rewarding experience to do something that was intended to be good for me and my self esteem…it wasn’t I will pray that my higher power helps me in some way and hope he/she hears me
Amelia – all I can say is that your “guilt” is non-existant in reality and is just a feeling you created to try to make sense out of the attack.
I was attacked once (not such a great ending) – and I’ve been trained as a survivor counselor – and this is what we ALL do under these circumstances (even and especially as CHILDREN, which is why children are so damaged in divorce and trauma – they BLAME THEMSELVES in order to feel they have some control):
We try to take responsibility and ownership of a situation in which we have no control.
That’s what you’re doing.
You figure, in some deep, subconscious way, that if YOU take the BLAME – then you could have prevented it!!!
And then you try to live your life carefully and buy-the-book to prevent it from happening in the future.
This is not TRUE!!!
In fact – your presence of mind and good thinking kept you SAFE!!!!!
Dwell on THAT!!!!
If anything, this happened so you could know that you can keep your mind clear and in the right place no matter WHAT’S going on.
Having lunch with this man was the RIGHT thing to do!
You did nothing wrong and EVERYTHING RIGHT!!!
Can you get your mind around that?
This is standard trauma stuff – and you need trauma work more than ever – and just know what I’m saying here is the truth. You can read books if you like.
It isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong. You did everything right – AND you saved yourself!!!!
If your mind tries to use the “Law of Attraction” on this – like you attracted something bad – you have to counter that with –I attracted a learning experience, and, look how great I was able to experience the way it turned out!
NOW my job is to be GRATEFUL to myself for handling myself so well…
“Thank you, I think u r right…I feel that if in someway I am responsible then I can fix it or do something to prevent it, I do this with men too…A LOT ….if I can take the responsibility Then I can apologize be sweet and it will all be better at least for a while…
Thank you for the insight, I am doing work with Emily Van Horn, the trauma practitioner in your interview I received a week before my trip…
Sending you love, Amelia”
Brava to working with Emily!!!
And – when you work with my Tools – remember that the point is to use them to be more YOU, and more authentic and at peace with yourself – there is no such thing in my work as getting it RIGHT!!! (Although I use that word).
The man does what he wants.
You just be the real you, so he can see and feel you.
And you do the best you can to work at not pushing a good man away (and allow yourself to push away a man who is not serving you) – in other words you are NOT in charge of how the relationship goes.
You can’t “fix” – and you don’t want to even try to fix – anything around love.
Wow not trying to fix is a huge new concept for me….in a way is very freeing….
This is the cornerstone of all trauma therapy.
It’s the challenge of accepting that something happened that you had no control over.
We SO want to have control over everything that we like the “Law Of Attraction” because we can imagine it gives us CHARGE over what we bring to ourselves.
But it just doesn’t work that way!
Being ourselves, who we are, and living our lives as WE live them has NOTHING to do with control.
It has everything to do with surrender.
And – most important – with acceptance.
I call this “Radical Accepting.”
You accept without judgment everyone and everything that happens, no matter what.
Doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings about everything – even violent, intense, unpleasant ones…but instead of allowing that to guide you and spin you down the rabbit hole of judgment, fear, shame, guilt, depression…you just say to yourself:
And accept that it happened. Regardless of “how.”
I know this is tricky. Essentially – this is the foundation of any “spiritual journey…” and I love being able to talk about it here…