The Theme Park Of YOU – EngineeringLand

navigating loveHere’s another installment on my “The Theme Park Of You” Concept (hopefully, it’ll eventually be made into a book or program…):

ENGINEERINGLAND – YOU AS “ENGINEER”

This is the fix-it part of you.

The part that does examining, analysis, doing, accomplishing, constructing, building, calculating…

This is the boy part.

This is the tinkering, the planning part.

Don’t be afraid of it!

It’s necessary.

Behind every great girl is a boy – and it’s the boy in YOU.

If you’re not familiar with this corner of your Theme park – go visit.

Sit down with a manual for your DVR.

Get an erector set at the toy store and build something, or get some wood and a hammer and nails and a saw (or go to the lumberyard and practice Circular Dating with all the men there while they cut your lumber to your specifications) and build a bookcase.

Learn to build a website.

Read about Quantum Physics and hang out in the geeky section of the bookstore.

Get competitive and don’t be afraid of it – that’s what boys do

Boys play war. And boys build castles.

And boys push and shove each other and compete with each other.

(This is not about being a “boy” in the literal sense – it’s the boy part of each of us, men and women.)

Try some of these things…

Love, Rori

 

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147 Comments to “The Theme Park Of YOU – EngineeringLand”

  1. 1: SurferchicaNo Gravatar says:

    This is the easy part for me. :)

    Wednesday, 16 July 2014 @ 5:30pm

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    cho cho

    Wednesday, 16 July 2014 @ 7:47pm

  3. 3: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I grew up here. I live here. I know every nook and cranny of this area. I grew up with a boy energy mother. I am a natural born fixer, I figurer, a planner. I dont have to work at it It just is. I do things, take on projects that I have been told lots of women wouldnt. I wanted a coi pond.. I researched it, designed it , constructed it.

    I wish you could have a relationship like this. (just like my coi pond)… I want one.. and them get one because I worked for it. Everything else in life is like this ! Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 6:33am

  4. 4: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling stuck again or still I guess. I feel pretty disheartened and actually unhopeful about reaching my desired love life destination. Honestly I actually feel angry it is proving to be so difficult. I cant pretend that I am “content” because I am not.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:16am

  5. 5: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel comfortable in my boy energy. It feels like home. I feel so satisfied when I create something. I just made a 3D cake for my mom’s birthday. I never had attempted one before, but I believed I could do it, and it ended up amazing looking.

    More tangible “doing” and “making” would be more satisfying, but in my day to day life I write (non-fiction). Boy energy all day long.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:33am

  6. 6: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    (((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:42am

  7. 7: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Soooo…
    The 2 past cds who have showed up again in my life…

    KS…. gushing about how happy I made him (happiest he has ever been) Mmmm felt sooo good…
    How he thinks about me EVERYDAY…

    I couldn’t say the same (it wasn’t the happiest I have ever been) but I did say..
    “I feel sooo warm and sunshiny hearing you say that”

    He wants to at least talk soon…
    soooo. I have noticed… I am wanting to talk yesterday… we talked on Tues.
    Why didn’t he call?
    It’s Thur. morning… No text???

    BUT… what I really want to do is to relax and let us get to know each other more, slowly…
    We dated each other exclusively for 4 months (ended in March) and I let him lead us into relationship
    He wanted to go VERY quickly (seeing each other everyday) and we had sex after 2 months, which complicated things (not realizing this was all too fast for us)
    Soooo… I want to practice more and watch me and see how i feel in his presence and pace this getting to know each other more slowly.

    The other cd… same thing… said he LOVES me… Mmmm asked me out for friday… we’ll see.
    He is VERY religious… I’m not (i’m spiritual)
    This has stopped me from letting him get very close…
    BUT we have build a nice friendship over the past 6-7 months… speratic dating (inbetween my exclusive dating)
    I have to say… he really doesn’t know much about me…
    He loves the way he feels around me…
    Ahhh… rori’s tools work so well…
    I feel like a beautiful, warm light
    with all the lovely moths flying around me attracted to the light and warmth…
    YOU SHINE ON Azure Blu…
    Yes, relax and open my heart, accept and
    Feel the love coming my way… watering cans filling MY Fountain of LOVE…

    I’m always sooo much thinking (boy energy)
    What is coming next…!!!! Do this. Do that…
    In my engineering my life (and everyone elses) mode…
    Right NOW… in THIS moment…
    It’s glorious SUMMER.
    the leaves are softly talking in the sunlight, my cat is so happy and playful, i am typing in my favorite Siren Island sharing my heart with
    a group of loving kind women who share their heart with me…
    I am HAPPY!! :->

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:51am

  8. 8: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    It’s been awhile…. I hope all is well. I feel excited reading this article because it fits with my life right now! I have a weekend planned of “doing” outside yardwork and maybe buying a new grill. The weeds are taking over and I can’t take it anymore!

    Everyone says when you aren’t looking for love, it will find you. I can honestly say I’m not looking. Pianoman is still around, but more of the same, hot and heavy and then disappears. Last I saw him he wanted me to go camping with him and his daughter, when it came time just a few days later, I couldn’t reach him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but I at least wanted to talk about it. He really seemed to want me to go and then backed off, so I don’t know what’s up. But it’s his issue… I’m open to the possibility of something, but not looking. I feel like Linda, shouldn’t be so hard. So, focusing on me and my girls and my house, and work. I smile and chat with everyone, feel like life is going well and in the right direction. Just maybe it’s not in the cards for me to have a relationship. I think I’m too independent. I’m just used to being on my own. But back to the article…. boy energy makes me feel good, and I’m not a competitive person, but I like the idea of trying that. Even if it’s just towards myself. To be better, to challenge myself where I need it, like losing weight or getting things done, meeting a sales goal. I’ve never been a competitive person, but I like the sound of trying it!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:55am

  9. 9: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu….sounds amazing! Go you!

    I am also moving from an exclusive relationship to circular dating. I feel nervous because I’ve had some great connections with guys, but then when I lean back and let them contact me, they never do. Usually I have something else going on that keeps me from dwelling on it, but I wish that I was a better judge of when someone is actually interested in me!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:07am

  10. 10: irisNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Ladies,

    I read something that I want share with you all that made me feel warm and soft, but then strong also.

    “…your heart is so much more than a vessel for romance. It has been described as the king, with the mind as the king’s adviser. When faced with a decision, the king may ask his advisers for advice, may even send him out into the world to gather information, but ultimately it is the king that makes the final decision. Even though the advisers do not always agree with the king’s decision, the king is invariably right, because the king’s view not only sees the bigger picture but is also aware of the needs of others.

    In the same way, when faced with a decision or conflict, your mind may come up with numerous, different and quite logical reasons why you should act as it advises, but if you listen to and trust your heart—however illogical or irrational it may seem—it is usually right and you are happier as a result.”

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:09am

  11. 11: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Olympia,
    Thank you!!! :-}

    Me too… the leaning back seems to throw men I’ve dated…
    I know KS has more of a feminine energy and that was part of our issue… feminine??? just VERY self centered..
    Mmmmm… now i’m remembering… LOL… yeah… that was one of the big issues… He even admitted one time…
    But… i’m accepting and being surprised… NOT engineering…

    Ahhhh…. see …. STOP, STOP…
    feeling inadiquate…
    I bet that is what I ALWAYS feel around men…

    Sooo the reason Spiritcd and our friendship works (no sex)…
    I have NO expectations with him…
    I can be myself and NOT feel inadiquate…
    the pace of slowly getting to know each other..
    a date here and a date there…
    Cause I don’t want anything… I have told him from the beginning “I am looking for the rest of my life relationship” He says he is looking for the same…
    Interesting… Now things have switched a little as he has told me he loves me…
    Soo very sweet… he is a very sweet, playful, handsome, smart man… what’s not to like…

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:29am

  12. 12: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    “Regret” she…
    Is reminding me how BAD I have been at picking men who will stay…

    Do I have radar that knows and is attracted to this type of man…
    OR if they are the type that will stick around I feel the need to push until they do go away???

    Regrets… I do have sooo many regrets…
    BIG life changing choices that still haunt me and my family to this day…
    I am feeling very unlovable…
    GEEE… big mood swing here.

    I think it is good I am talking to “Regret” she has much she wants to show me…

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:36am

  13. 13: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Linda 3 – if that’s what you want, you can have a relationship like that! It just means that you will be responsible for the masculine energy most times in the relationship and the guy will be responsible for the feminine energy. And I think most of us are here because we want the flip of that. The past couple of days I have noticed how even though I WANT to be the feminine energy partner, I am having trouble letting go of the urge to DO. I come up with an idea and I want to make it happen with a CD, like now please, haha. It’s taking a great effort on my part at the moment to slow down, listen to my mind but not do what it says, drop down into my heart and focus on learning how to be. Every time a CD gives when I’m in this relaxed being state it feels amazing, like chocolate or roses or my favorite song or a long romantic kiss. I know I just need practice and that eventually just being will feel as natural to me as doing does right now. Perhaps that the case for you too. (Or maybe you want to do, in which case I say go girl!!)

    Azure Blu 7 — wow, what a turn of events! Both these men sound pretty grand. For your second man it just goes to show that a man really does trust his feelings, and that as he gets to know it will likely only build on what his gut is telling him. :) I feel your glow through your words!

    Turquoise 8 — mmm, yes, loving yourself is an excellent way to go about things! I find that exercise is a fantastic competitive outlet for me. I can go safely into my boy energy as I try to top the leaderboard at my spin class, or climb the stairs faster than my classmates at another class, or run faster than anyone else at the track. I am doing: running further or faster, squatting deeper and crunching harder, making plans for my workouts, checking off lists and goals for what I want to achieve. And then at the end of class (or before the class starts!) I can switch right back into my feminine energy and talk with anyone that approaches me, love on myself and feel good just being me.

    Olympia 9 – I too have found that of the men I talk to, probably about 50-70% follow through on dates. Some men tell me how into me they are but then when it comes time to actually plan the date they poof. This doesn’t bother me anymore. If there are any lessons I can take from the experience I do and then I just move on to the men that quickly take their place!

    iris 10 — I love this. Thank you for sharing it!!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:47am

  14. 14: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise 8 — one more thing, when I want to stay in my feminine energy for exercise I will take a barre, ballet or pilates class. Something that focuses on movement and being in the moment, really feeling my body and each muscle. It’s an hour of self-love. I’ve heard yoga is also very good for this but I’ve yet to find an instructor I click with.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:50am

  15. 15: OlympiaNo Gravatar says:

    Aw, I am giving you and your regrets a hug!

    I was triggered recently because my friend just announced her engagement after 12(!) years of dating! I could not wait that long!! I felt in awe, jealous, and repulsed all at the same time!

    I have been feeling very loveable lately because I’ve been giving myself so much love after my last breakup, but then I feel indignant that the guys I have been with have not seen me the same way. :-P

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:52am

  16. 16: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Labbit #13)

    Thank you lovely Siren!!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:53am

  17. 17: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Olympia
    (((huggs))) to you too… thanks
    ME and MY regrets need hugs…

    LOL …I love this…
    “I felt in awe, jealous, AND REPULSED all at the same time!”

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:56am

  18. 18: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Olympia,

    I have a friend whose man proposed after they had been together for 9 years! They have a very blissful marriage and she seems very fulfilled in it.

    I like the idea of taking it slow :)

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 9:56am

  19. 19: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    You know…
    recently more and more…
    with Rori’s tools…
    ME enjoying, wanting and accepting a man leading…
    I am seeing how it feels good to let things unfold slowly…
    which means…
    Me seeing my need to control
    manipulate and wrangle a relationship…
    These lovely, manly men showing up in my life…
    do have a pace…
    and as long as I AM on MY HORSE…
    living MY life…
    I can let things unfold…
    Hey,,, that’s just how I feel in this moment…
    ;-*)

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 10:18am

  20. 20: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Labbit! I must admit I grimaced at first reading your post about exercise… I need to lose about 40 pounds and it’s been a long time since I went to a gym or joined a class… to be the best in the class… wow, hard to imagine! But then I thought, wow, what a way to challenge myself, to think of the long road, not overnight success and completion, but that I could be the best 40 year old at anything feels intriguing. :) I’m going to start small with daily walking, exercise videos and lots of stretching, but I’m going to look at classes too, see what I can find in my area! :) My neighbor just started MMA at 42, she’s an inspiration for sure! :) Thanks for planting the seed that I can do more than walk and exercise at home!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 10:41am

  21. 21: Helena HartNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 19 – That’s beautiful!! I love the word “unfold.” When I catch myself feeling the need to control or “wrangle” a situation in a way that’s not helpful, I often say to myself, “Things are unfolding the way they’re supposed to.” That usually helps me to radically accept everything that’s happening in the moment, rather than try to manipulate things.

    Love, Helena

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 10:45am

  22. 22: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Omg sirens – major triggers happening inside me!

    I’ve been one month single after a six-year live-in relationship with a toxic man. I tried everything I could to transform the relationship but it just wasn’t working. I have all Rori’s programs and love them. The knowledge and self-love I gained from them led in part to the breakup. For the past month, I’ve felt like a junkie in detox.

    At first all I wanted to do was grieve and be with family and girl friends. But in the past week or two, I’ve been realizing I need to start Circular Dating more actively. I know I have a huge opportunity here with my newfound freedom and Rori’s Tools, and I’m afraid if I don’t start soon it will only get harder to start later. I did some of the work from Targeting, where I wrote out the basic components of an online profile, and I’ve noticed myself feeling resistant every time I think of actually posting it. Yet this pesky feeling won’t go away, the feeling that it’s important now to get some CD opportunities. I know this is something I need to do for myself right now, and my boy doesn’t doesn’t doesn’t want to get his butt in gear.

    I feel so insecure about my body right now. I don’t feel hot enough to attract the kind of men I’m attracted to. The emotional distress of the past year has added a few inches to my normally slender frame – my hair is limp and raggedy – there’s nothing about my body I particularly like right now. Yesterday I was in the vicinity of a gorgeous man and wanted to just smile at him and totally wimped out – my Nasty Voice took over with all kinds of loud assumptions “about him,” and reminders of my own inadequacy and all the “I can’t have” stuff. I turned my back to him (he was in line behind me at the grocery store) and couldn’t even look at him. If I had a chance to do that over today, I honestly don’t know if I’d be brave enough to look in his eyes and smile – I didn’t feel like smiling at all.

    Last night I heard from an old guy friend, “W.” W called me and invited himself over. We went walking and shared our stories. I felt uncomfortable and noticed myself judging him, feeling mild dispassion/disgust because I find him unattractive. At the same time, it felt “safe.” I guess that’s what I’ve always done in the past – choosing to be around men who turned me off. I noticed myself worrying that he would hit on me. But I practiced the Leanback and let him lead. Before he left, he invited me to a pool party this Saturday. He said he would pick me up, drive me the hour’s drive to the party, and he said he would be glad to drive me home the minute I started feeling overwhelmed or wanted to go home. So he’s being very masculine and showing leadership and offering me an arrow… I get that that’s good. He texted me today to thank me for the walk and saying how much he enjoyed seeing me.

    Now I’m feeling sooooo uncomfortable! Resistant! I don’t want to go to the pool party! I just want to hide out where I’m comfortable, away from crowds of humans! I’m afraid of showing my body, and I’m afraid of talking to men. And yet this is the perfect perfect perfect opportunity to practice all the Tools, and it would be ridiculous to turn it down. I’m so scared I will feel horrible and hate it.

    Sirens, please encourage me. I’m terrified and hugely triggered.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 10:47am

  23. 23: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Medusa,

    First thing I would do is hit the salon. Getting my hair done ALWAYS makes me feel sooo much better! If it’s in the budget to get an new outfit or earrings… something that makes you feel rock star, with the body you have now, do it!

    As far as the pool party…. if you don’t want to go, then don’t! I wouldn’t recommend hiding out, but find something else fun to do that you are comfortable with. Plus, if you aren’t attracted to the guy, and don’t feel that you would want to date him… may not be the best way to spend your Saturday anyway. At one month out of a 6 year relationship, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be dating. I don’t believe it will get harder if you wait a little while. If you don’t feel good about it, and there is all this urgency, probably not the best time to force it. What about group activities or seeing a few friends for dinner… something light, no pressure, just to get out, have fun and find out what you would want with someone new, but most importantly, what do you want for yourself?

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:07pm

  24. 24: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    The boy part of us is so amazing. This is one thing I really dig…the way masculine energy drives most people to build/do/make things. Just amazing…the will to do it, the driving energy.

    I can climb a mountain, I can build my body, I can build an animation on my computer, I can make art and crafts and pictures with my hands, I can make a delicious meal and a mean espresso shot…I build my skills, strength, openness, comfort level, confidence and can-do attitude…This very much resonates with me and is crucially important to me, to know I can do the things I have passion for doing.

    As a kid, my brothers would be playing a game or doing what little boys do, and I always insisted I get to do them, too. If they left me out, I would feel so upset and angry I’d go tell my mom and get them into trouble, lol. It carried on throughout my adulthood, I like to insist that I get to be in a man’s world, at work, and in social settings! I am also better at leading rather than taking orders, for lack of a better term. I was always a bit of a tomboy in pink, going fishing, learning boy scout tips and tricks and camping, I played all kinds of sport games with the neighborhood boys, and was taught to throw and hit a baseball, and taught bravery and strong will.

    My boy side has gotten me through college as a disabled person, it has made it so I’ve lost all my unhealthy weight and made my body strong, and provides the drive I need to succeed in life.

    So very wonderful and exciting to know my boy side can help me do all these awesome things. I love being able to do these things, it feels very good to do them and it feels so natural. I am very much a woman who shows this side a lot, and so it can be easy to slip back into masculine ways of chasing a guy, that’s the only problem.

    I just told my boyfriend I’m not buying him anything more, and so I’m having mixed feelings because I want to jump and pick up the “fire hose” to put out the fire, but I know it would be very wrong on so many levels.

    I have however been good at being in the moment and diverting my attention from pressuring him into being as intimate as I want him to, like in my daydreams.

    I will have my Thyroid out soon by surgery, and this may help me be more calm and take away the ridiculous sense of urgency I have all the time, due to Hyperthyroidism.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:07pm

  25. 25: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Terrified and hugely triggered…. really sounds like you need some “me” time. Relaxing, fun with friends, a great book, take a class… shop, beauty treatments, whatever will help you to not be terrified, to let those triggers go.

    Ask yourself this… what are you so afraid of? Being on your own for a little while? Why is that scary? Maybe that will help.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:09pm

  26. 26: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise – thanks so much – especially for the suggestion I do something with my hair!! (I know – should be obvious – but I guess part of me was resisting that, until I read your comment and realized how easy it would be and how much better it would make me feel.) Earrings… now that addles my “boy” because it’s extra effort to find earrings that feel good in my sensitive ears… wow, it seems that my “boy” has become lazy and flaccid from not working hard enough on my behalf. And this reminds me of something Rori said: the stronger my “boy” is, the more masculine men I will attract! Hmmm… I wonder what that means about the men I can attract now, seeing how out of shape he currently is. :-/

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:18pm

  27. 27: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Azure Blu, I just loved your posts. They made me feel really uplifted and like tyere is so much hope…yay!!

    I had a lot of stuff to deal with in the last couple of days, including a major flooding of my condo, machinery installed and nobody admitting responsibility, the insurers of the guy that caused the damage or the housing assoc which came in and ripped all my baseboards out to save the dry wall.

    I could not work, zero income. I could not sleep. And no help.
    I have to get an attorney, and I have no idea how things work in this country. I feel overwhelmed, alone and close to a breakdown. After the dating disaster now the next disaster.

    I kind of hope for a knight in shining armour coming to rescue
    me for the weekend lol. Unlikely. So I have to rescue me from this myself, but how with little money and no energy.
    Pfffffffff.
    :(
    I love my Condo and now it is sick, messy and noisy and hot. My haven is no longer a haven :(

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:26pm

  28. 28: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    I have been taking “me time…” I got myself a manicure and a couple of new things to wear… I’ve devoured a couple of novels and educational books… I’ve treated myself to meals at interesting restaurants I never tried before… I’ve scheduled doctor appointments and gotten better about flossing my teeth… and I’m staying with my passion, which is practicing a musical instrument. I haven’t done so well with working out. I know if I was a little more fit I’d feel better about myself. Yet I still feel unspecial and dull.

    I think I’m mainly terrified of the unknown. I’m approaching single-ness with a whole new attitude and set of skills I never ever had before. I am scared of the intimacy I know I can create right now. I am scared of rejection, scared of being passed over, scared that I’m nothing special.

    I’m scared of men and I’m scared of sex. (And yet I’m feeling huge desires for sex and closeness right now.)

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:30pm

  29. 29: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Medusa,

    I fully agree with Turquoise. One month out of such a long relationship is nothing and it is no wonder your boy energy is feeling a bit down. Try to have faith that it will pass without you having to push yourself to do things before you are ready. There will be other pool parties, alternatively you could agree with your friend beforehand how long you feel comfortable staying. Don’t worry about the few extra inches – when I come out of a break up or stressful situation I eat a lot until my sense of wellbeing has evened out and then my figure and appetite goes back to normal.

    If it were me I would get yourself feeling good about you before you pushed yourself into dating! You seem so lovely and self-aware, the guys will definitely still be there whenever YOU feel ready

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:35pm

  30. 30: TurquoiseNo Gravatar says:

    Medusa, you sound so self aware, that’s awesome! I’m sorry you are feeling dull and un-special, because I’m sure that is not true! Start with the hair… get some good color or a new cut, something that makes you feel fresh and new! I’m growing mine out for locks of love, and I love it being long, but I’m excited to get something new soon too! Just remember to breathe, you are doing all the right things!!!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 12:54pm

  31. 31: MeleneNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if anyone has shared this or not but the author, Ben Willis, is preaching RR’s message, esp. about women being vulnerable and using feeling messages. Here’s an excerpt from “Women: Please Don’t Hold Back”:

    “We men are more fascinated and more drawn to your feelings than we are to our own. For us, your feelings are one of the greatest mysteries of the universe; a source of wonder and awe, a source of pleasure and a source of service. Yes. Even the negative feelings. Yes, even when you’re upset with us.

    (…)

    It is you that is keeping yourself from the intimacy you desire. It is your desire to feel safe which overrides your desire for intimacy. It is vulnerable to allow intimacy. On the surface, being vulnerable seems much more painful than holding back and keeping yourself from being hurt. Yet it is even more lonely continuing to be unmet.

    Until you experience the pain of being unmet as feeling more painful than the pain of potentially being hurt in your vulnerability, you will continue to yearn for the connection you know is there. You will yearn to be seen and deeply known.”

    The whole thing is beautiful and can be found here:

    http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/06/women-please-dont-hold-back-ben-willis/

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 1:06pm

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ifeel triggered!

    because of the ‘war and ‘competition thing

    i had worked them out in one of my Lucid moments as unnecessary – not that boy energy is, just that these two ways of expressing it

    and i FORGET! the one about competition at least I forget now and I feel pouty and looking at a big fog to my left thinking of it

    hmmm

    i feel excited that i DID create and see it!

    I feel frustrated not remembering ‘it’ that way of thinking on command!

    oh triggered too about those cliche lines

    until you experience teh pain of x more than y you will alwayz z

    eye roll

    i feel indignant and like steam rolling this type of thoughts !!!!!

    i don’t want to limit myself thinking this way

    it feels bad

    theres much more good feely – and true – ways to put things, not involving pain, musts, and unwanted alwayssses

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 1:38pm

  33. 33: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t really like any of these boy energy things and I don’t have any desire to. When I was growing into my independence and having a feminist stage I used to do ‘fix it’ things. I hate it – I much prefer now to use my boy energy to create the money required to pay someone to fix things so that I can enjoy painting my nails :) I don’t like competition either and war yuk. I have had to use far too much boy energy my whole life – my family was mostly male except my mum and we didn’t really do feminine energy things – I long to be able to let some of the masculine ‘keeping my life together’ stuff just slip away so I can enjoy the oh so lovely feminine feelings

    Medusa – I would be feeling very vulnerable in your situation and just wanting to do gentle things to heal myself – I have found ‘for me’ when I am feeling vulnerable I often don’t attract the right men for me – I’m not in the right place – I need to be feeling good about me first (that’s if I go out and date). On the other side there are those men who can just gently gently help with the healing process but again for me the levels of closeness need to be carefully considered if I’m feeling fragile. You will build your confidence back up – you will feel wonderful before you know you – hooray to the lovely things you have done for yourself and hooray to the end of a toxic relationship

    Azure Blu – Yaaayyyyy it feels lovely to hear about your CD successes

    I am feeling pleasantly relaxed this evening – such a beautifully warm and tranquil night – I have let go of my anxiety around non-contact paying client man and I’m going to focus on paying man instead – and then deal with non-contact paying man and I have joined a website to find myself a home overseas – all moving in the right direction…feel so ahhhhhh that it’s almost the weekend and I am going to treat myself to some sunbathing

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 2:06pm

  34. 34: SophieNo Gravatar says:

    I do like smashing things up :) I like going to the tip where you can throw things into deep containers and they smash and bang

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 2:30pm

  35. 35: MedusaNo Gravatar says:

    Sophie, thanks for your kind words. I wonder which my friend W is. It felt so easy to talk to him last night. I was able to spill out everything I was feeling – even the fact that I still love my ex – which surprised me that it popped out. I hadn’t been wanting to say that out loud.

    Just now I responded to W’s text message in Feeling Messages, and I told the TRUTH – i.e. that I feel afraid, and sad… and that I feel curious about that. I admitted I’m feeling resistant to going to the party and yet I think it would be good for me and I’m starting to look forward to it a little.

    I haven’t received a response. Now I’m feeling AFRAID that “I angered him!” I’m actually noticing I’m afraid that he will lash back with cruel words. Apparently that’s what I expect to get from men in general. I notice that I’m afraid of men. Afraid for my physical and emotional safety. I LOVE MY AFRAID. I love my sadness and resistance. They are trying to help me. And I’m in charge.

    How would it feel to be able to say anything, exactly how I feel, to a man, and to receive a welcoming and warm response?! It would feel totally freeing. I would feel buoyant, kinda floaty and weightless in my shoulders. I would feel a warm fire in my heart. I would feel the air moving through my chest. I would feel like I had long legs that could stride lightly over the whole surface of the earth.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 2:35pm

  36. 36: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Labbitt @ 13…

    I really don’t want a relationship where I have to be in boy energy mode. My marriage was like that. Now that I know about girl energy I love receiving, l like leaning back with men. Knowing that I am desired and wanted feels so so affirming and great. Since I made the shift I feel calmer and softer in dating relationships. Responding does honestly feel so much better than pursuing rowing or chasing.

    Even though I am a woman who is very comfortable in my own skin and my boy energy. I ultimately want a relationship that energy between my man and I dance and respond to each other. Not one where a score it kept and I regularly catch h3ll. (like my last one). I want a relationship that defers to and honors the others strengths and supports their weaknesses and does not emasculate and/or control.

    I think my boy energy is wonderful. I respect it. I love to learn and create and build and embrace the fact that I am naturally prone problem solve and work at something till I achieve my goals. I usually can achieve what I set my mind to except this relationship thing.

    I have made so many adjustments to me for the better. I just feel so discouraged that all the work I have done has not resulted in having the relationship I desire.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 2:39pm

  37. 37: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Ah didn’t see the new thread, reposting.

    I got a newsletter from Christian Carter today about the exact situation I’m in. I feel so thankful that I received this newsletter at such a perfect time!! It is about friends with benefits and having feelings for that man and what to do about it. I already started step one on my own and am so glad I am in sync with his recommendations. The first step is figuring out what you want and sticking to it! As much as I think I know, my actions aren’t reflecting it, so taking some alone time to realign myself.

    I’m glad this is happening now, with someone who as much as I care, probably isn’t right for me. My plan is to lean back, spend quality time with myself, align my wants and actions… When and if he contacts me, I’ll speak with true honesty in a positive way. Right now, I’m sorry I’ve been inconsistent, and dishonest with him and myself. I like him, more than a friend. And I can’t continue being physical, if he doesn’t feel the same way. As much as I enjoy it, I want more than drinks and sex.

    Maybe after time alone I’ll feel differently, my words will come from a different place.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 3:45pm

  38. 38: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Medusa.. hmmm I feel curious about your name? But that aside. I love what you are posting here. Especially what you just did about expecting anger.

    Boy have been there! Although I have to say I am not afraid of men or expect them to be angry with me in general.

    I actually encountered what you are fearing in my last relationship.. When I first encountered him anger being angry with me.. I would have this electric fear wave jolt thru me. I would feel sick to my stomach and fretful. Yep it was so bad that it affected me physically.

    I got to the bottom of a lot of that in me( mostly stemming from my childhood and relationship with my mother) but I learned to sink into it. Listen to what it was telling me and why.

    Understanding my whys was very revealing and healing However, I chose not to continue to remain in an relationship with an angry man because even though I learned to navigate thru, I don’t like it and is not an atmosphere in which I can thrive in (only survive in).

    Maybe you have been conditioned by a previous relationship or experiences but realizing your claiming your fear is the beginning of change and YES you are in control.

    I can imagine the surge of warm energy I will feel when I am standing in front of “my man” someday and am able to say would say anything, exactly how I feel and to receive a welcoming and warm response?! OHH YES It would feel totally freeing. I could just take it in my lungs and let it saturate and renew my heart.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 3:48pm

  39. 39: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Linda 36 — that all sounds wonderful! I like how you describe your boy energy now, words for me to remember…

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 4:29pm

  40. 40: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I am being taken to the stadium to watch the rugby on Saturday. I’m really excited, I love the vibe, the energy, being able to cheer with wild abandon, and being spoilt with the tickets. I really love going to watch rugby and music events live – I feel more alive in those moments, thrilled somehow… when I come home and finally flop into bed I feel as if I’ve fulfilled myself, and it all has a feeling of rightness to it.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:00pm

  41. 41: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo…. How fun!!
    Ohhh, me too!!! I love live games and music!!!
    Cheering with wild abandon is ONE of THE most exciting and energy releasing things ever!!!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:04pm

  42. 42: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Thank You Sophie…
    I’m excited to have heard such soft, lovely words coming towards me…
    :-}

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:08pm

  43. 43: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I mowed the grass and of course I think and think and usually come in after in a down or bad mood. Tonight I didnt.. I decided I would pay attention to the moment. I noticed the pleasing aroma of clover and saw bees enjoying the fact that I let my yard be full of it. The smell of the grass and how it caked on the wheels of the mower I felt curious as to how thick it would get before it fell off. The pleasant evening air felt cool and refreshing to my skin. I felt thankful to be mowing and outside. My house looks well kept and I felt accomplished. My little puppy watching me and chasing ants on the porch as I drove past amused me.

    Tonight I decided to be in the moment and not let what isnt that I wish was or replay conversations or events. I decided not to mutter and have another mock talk. I just mowed and was in the moment of the evening.

    It felt pretty awesome. I am going to try it work tomorrow too and see what happens.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:08pm

  44. 44: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Helena Heart #21…
    thank you…
    Radically accept…Mmmm that takes alot of courage..’
    :->

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:20pm

  45. 45: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens, I’m rambling here, but I just wanted to get it out.

    Have any of you ever felt, as much as you think you want the relationship of your dreams right now, as if you feel instinctively and with surety that it’s not going to happen for another few years? I feel that way. I have this feeling that it’s going to be at minimum another 5 years before I am settled in the relationship that I want, and something tells me it is more than likely going to be another 6 or 7 years. This doesn’t bother me exactly, I’m young-ish (32) but even if I weren’t, I feel it would still be ok. Time doesn’t feel so important to me. Being where I want and am supposed to be feels much more important than getting there now… which frankly doesn’t feel important at all. I’m prepared to wait for the situation which is right for me.

    I guess I’m just saying I find it strange, and maybe even quite lovely, that I have this sense. That relationships between now and the next 6 years will not really come to anything, but there will come a time when it will stick, and it will be forever.

    I wonder what I will do between now and then? Try my best to grow and enjoy myself, I guess. I love the progress that I’m making. It’s slow, but it’s there. And I feel calm and good, and I love myself, and I trust that everything is working out for my highest good.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:25pm

  46. 46: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Azure Blu! Thank you! I feel understood :) x

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:26pm

  47. 47: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    linda #43…
    mmmm…. that sounds like such a lovely, warm summer evening… I CAN SMELL your grass and clover being cut all the way to my house… :-)

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:29pm

  48. 48: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Linda #38))))
    You lovely goddess… you most certainly deserve THIS!!!
    “I can imagine the surge of warm energy I will feel when I am standing in front of “my man” someday and am able to say would say anything, exactly how I feel and to receive a welcoming and warm response?! OHH YES It would feel totally freeing. I could just take it in my lungs and let it saturate and renew my heart.”

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:33pm

  49. 49: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Millie #37…
    I can remember when I got that email from CC a year or so ago… I studied and studied it…

    Practiced stating my boundaries to the mirror, in my head… to my friends…
    It was when I realized, guys will respect me for having boundaries and sticking to them
    OR they disappear… and that will be ok… cause that is NOT the man I am looking for…

    baby step by baby step…
    and now… I easily share what I am looking for in a relationship…
    And all the men respect me for it!!!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 7:38pm

  50. 50: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo- 45 I totally agree with you!!! although part of me, thinks it is because I’m not really ready for a relationship right now.

    Azure- I don’t think I’ve EVER shared with a man what I’m looking for!!! Even when I started dating J, I said small things that pertained to the immediate future, not big picture. I’ve said I want to be exclusive with my ex, that I wanted him to meet my parents and friends, but not what I REALLY want to feel. I have so much discovering to do. I feel like being a recluse.

    I’ve read a lot about friends with benefits too…from Rori and elsewhere and I KNOW, not to do it. But something inside me provokes me to do it anyway. And that is what I really need to dig down and use my boy energy and female energy to find out what is happening in there. The CC email helped a lot. I’m worried in a few months I’ll go back to my old patterns, so this time, I really want to change from my core. Practicing with friends and in the mirror is a great idea! First I need to write it all out though!

    I feel like one thing that feels different to me right now, is that I’m OK with saying to myself “It’s ok that you didn’t know what you wanted. It’s ok, that you did the FWB thing, in the moment, it was ok, but it’s not OK to continue this.” I feel ok with the fact that whats happened has happened and I can’t go back or change anything. I own up to my choices. I’m allowed to not know myself completely right now. I’m allowed to do the “wrong” thing. Who is there to judge me, but myself? At the end of the day, it’s not about him, none of this is. I don’t feel shaky or anxious. I really hope this time is different. I need it to be.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 8:31pm

  51. 51: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    I don’t really like being in boy energy much. The things Rori lists are not me at all. Bleh

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 9:58pm

  52. 52: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Millie, you are such an awesome woman! I wish you would let yourself sink into your feelings more – the good, the bad and the ugly. Just feel it without analyzing it and making it good or bad. Just a thought but I get the feeling that there is a bit of fear and judgment towards yourself about just feeling your feelings?

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 9:59pm

  53. 53: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Update. Wow, so much is happening/changing in my life. Work has starting to become interesting and exciting! I can’t believe I just wrote those words. We had a few group design reviews this week (they happen often) and what was a very stressful feeling about them, has also become a feeling of Wow, I am learning so much! In just a few reviews, I have learned a ton, its been a crash course in mobile design from people that are on the cutting edge of all the trends out there. It is so cool! And I’ve been assigned a project that is a total dog/rat’s nest and can o worms but the good news is that’s there’s nowhere to go but up. Apparently the previous team screwed things up so badly that it got escalated all the way up to the top of upper management within my group. What was feeling really intimidating and scary suddenly hit me like, well, anything I do can’t possibly be as bad as what was done before me so I can’t help but win. Hehe! So that feels good too! Truth be told, this is exactly what I was looking for: working within a company that understands design and has mature processes and standards in place. Weird but I didn’t see it before, only saw the bad stuff. Hahaha! Plus I am moving in to my awesome new place next weekend! I am so excited!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 10:08pm

  54. 54: Liquid LightNo Gravatar says:

    Its an aggressive, masculine environment. Its urban and edgy and I feel easily how I could become more like that. But I don’t want that. The women are aggressive and masculine, in fact they don’t seem like women at all. It’s so strange. I want to maintain my sense of feminity though and not take on the vibe of my work environment. I can see how easy it is to happen and I see myself and how I was when I lived and worked there. But now post-Rori, I see the difference and I see that I don’t want to go back to that. So I’m trying to do it in a different way and still be a girl. I think that environment needs it and could benefit from it. Another new person started shortly after me – a dreamy classy gentleman. He brings out the girl in me and I’ve been asking him for technical help. I think he likes giving it and I love his help. He’s a Hugh Jackson type. So dreamy. He’s married but I still adore his masculine energy especially there where there doesn’t seem to be much difference between the men and women!

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 10:21pm

  55. 55: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid light- so awesome to hear about your job!!! I’m so happy you are enjoying it and sound so excited about it! It is interesting how women become so masculine in the workplace. I admit…I cried at work a couple weeks ago and my boss called me “despicable.” She told me to act like an adult and to fix things, not cry about them. In my defense, I was in fear if losing my job and also being held responsible for thousands of dollars… I was very distraught and reemed for displaying my emotion.

    I think you are right… I need to sink into my feelings more… And that there is some fear and judgement around them. I just don’t want to cry anymore, I’m so sick of it. And I feel sad, lonely, and depressed at times… I’m afraid if I let myself sink… I really will be depressed and lock myself up in my tower and punish myself. I don’t want to do that, but yeah I would agree there is some fear there. That’s probably why I choose not to be intimate emotionally.

    Thursday, 17 July 2014 @ 11:15pm

  56. 56: April RoseNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo,

    I felt so expansive and happy reading what you wrote about time, and the sense of your life in time – now and in the future. I got a lovely sense of unhurried being. It feels freeing, and like you can just enjoy every moment because there is a total absence of urgency in your heart.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 3:28am

  57. 57: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Millie 50, yes. I don’t feel ready for relationship either, but not in a self-critical sense, but in a “just isness” sense. As if it’s just not time yet. There’s more I need to explore, more to heal, more to learn.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:08am

  58. 58: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    April Rose 56,

    I feel teary thinking how much I feel “got” by your post, and feel a kinship with you.

    Yes… an expansiveness, no urgency, an unhurried being, having a beautiful sense of faith that my life is unfolding as it’s supposed to, not patience as such, but willingness I guess, surrender.

    Thank you. Thank you for getting me. x

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:11am

  59. 59: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kim,
    I hope you are ok… I know u had shared about water damage to your condo… no help with getting it repaired from the accociation!!
    How are you?

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:24am

  60. 60: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    association I meant!! :->

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:25am

  61. 61: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((LL)))
    Yay!! so happy you are liking your new job…
    I remember earlier you had feared the job was not what you wanted!!!
    It sounds amazing.. I’m in the web design, social media, graphic design industry and it’s so great to collaborate with energetic smart people!
    ;-}

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:27am

  62. 62: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Millie #50)))
    Ohhhh… lovely Siren… this is sooo much SELF LOVE!!!

    I feel happy hearing you say…
    “It’s OK!!!”
    “It’s ok that you didn’t know what you wanted. It’s ok, that you did the FWB thing, in the moment, it was ok, but it’s not OK to continue this.” I feel ok with the fact that whats happened has happened and I can’t go back or change anything. I own up to my choices. I’m allowed to not know myself completely right now. I’m allowed to do the “wrong” thing. Who is there to judge me, but myself?”

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:39am

  63. 63: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Millie
    Yes… you are sooo right…
    I had to get clear about what I DID and Did NOT want… before I could share my dreams and hopes…
    – visualize – meditate on it –
    Get strong on the inside –
    discover and LOVE me
    practice –

    That took some timmmmme…
    CDing surely helped…

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 4:45am

  64. 64: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Liquid Light your job sounds amazing!! And very cool that you now feel more relaxed and less pressure-filled. Stress at work is no fun at all!!

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 6:51am

  65. 65: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling very WOW today. I woke up this morning in my usual state of panic, though with each day I notice it’s less and this morning my brain was locked in a battle with itself. One side clinging to the fear that’s seemed normal to me for so long, with all the feelings of loneliness, anguish, and the urge to control. This morning the other side grew ever louder, the side that said this is all silly! It urged me to love, to embrace peace, to sit still and be surprised by each moment.

    Then, a total shift. I’m not sure when it happened…right after my Pilates class I think. (Haha.) This total sense of calm swept over me. Thinking a bit about my CDs…how all the CDs that I’m not as interested in keep leaning forward, moving toward me while the CDs I am very interested in are hanging back more, leaning forward less than I’d like. All sorts of interesting things started hitting me like fireworks — blap blap blap! The CDs that aren’t leaning forward are hanging back because I’M taking up all the energy. I can be relaxed and calm and take care of myself and just let things unfold, and I’ll get everything I want. I need to treat myself the way I want a man to treat me! Not beat myself up, forgive myself, be open and use my boy energy to make sure I’m well taken care of. I need to leave the men I want alone in my mind so they can get curious about me and have room in our energy bubble to come forward to me.

    I feel a wave of serenity, like cool water gently flowing over me. This last week has been a real rollercoaster and while it’s been tough, I love where I’m at right now. I feel confident.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 6:58am

  66. 66: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    I have a date tonight with a new CD. He is another good mirror for me, showing what insecurity can look like from the other side. He is direct which I enjoy, but he seems unsure about himself at times. He asked me if it was OK to ask me out which was cute and funny but also a bit of a turnoff. Then last night he thanked me for agreeing for go on a date with him…before the date has even happened. I feel bad saying this but that was a huge turnoff to me. Still, it was eye-opening for me. I saw how a lack of self-confidence or love for myself can kill attraction quickly. And so in that way he’s like a gift to me.

    I’m sure our date tonight will be fun anyway. Who knows, maybe he’ll come together and then we’ll come together in a magical way? Even if not, I am sure that he is here to teach me some excellent lessons.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 7:02am

  67. 67: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Labbit,

    Wonderful realisations here. Thank you for these reminders, I needed them for me today.

    Yeah it is a turn-off when a guy makes a big deal of you agreeing to go on a date with him. I feel like saying, “whoah, the date hasn’t even happened yet! there truly is nothing to get excited about yet!” I like a guy who is calm and self-assured, and it reminds me to be that way.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 7:14am

  68. 68: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Soooo… Spriticd texted me this morning to confirm our date tonight!!!
    …yesterday and this morning… I was all like… why doesn’t he call/text me…
    he’s not going to come thru on this date…
    blah, blah…
    Then I got a grip yesterday… Because of this wonderful blog…
    and I opened my heart and took care of MY life…

    I’m watching me… seeing that i’m getting all anxious
    before it was all sooo spontanious…
    now it’s an ACTUAL date…WTH

    I choose to feel peaceful.
    I choose to feel my desk
    I choose to feel like a tree with deep roots going all the way to China… LOL – ;->

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 9:24am

  69. 69: PhoenixNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens! Check out a sample of colleague’s published poetry book. It was refreshing to read a man’s point of view in such a poetic format!

    http://www.authorcolindavid.com/

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 9:43am

  70. 70: LabbitNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu — mmm that sounds so nice. You take care of you, your Siren energy is out there and then he comes forward to you. Wishing you a wonderful date tonight!

    Indigo what’s funny is that my nasty voice will trick me at moments, it will say “Oh I’m not worrying, how great this is!” and then shortly after “Wait, but if I don’t worry…” as it tries to hit me with a barrage of thoughts. It takes some effort right now to keep bringing things back to loving myself. When it calms down I feel the love radiating out of my body. The sun seems brighter and the sky more blue. I feel clear and light.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 9:50am

  71. 71: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Labbitt))) thank you!!!
    Ohhh… I know… those NV are SOOO tricky!
    BOO!! go away…
    Ooops… No… I LOVE YOU my beautiful NV…
    You can share your power with ME…
    together we can learn to live a soft, warm brave life!!

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 9:57am

  72. 72: MandyNo Gravatar says:

    Everything is coming clear to me ever since I moved back to the better side of town. I am always going to be angry in my relationship if something doesn’t change. I have a very feminine guy, and I am afraid of offending him if I initiate sex. Also afraid of rejection. The confusing part is that his type of girl is the type to come to him, I know this, because he said it, almost verbatim. Which I honestly wouldn’t have much a problem with. I am great at initiating in a sireny manner…

    Why in the world would I be afraid of that? Sex is the most natural thing in the world. There shouldn’t be any shame in asking if you can have something you truly want.

    But here’s the thing, I noticed even when I say I feel frustrated I’m not having sex with him, I come at him automatically like he hasn’t changed his mind or pattern, when I actually don’t know that for certain. As though I expect him not to want sex, always. It must just be easy for him to go on autopilot and play the role, and say I don’t know, I just…etc, etc, etc.

    The next logical step for me would be to ask him hey are you feeling it now, what about now, what about now, are you ready now? But that sounds AWFUL, so I suppose saying, hey, I want to ____, can we make a time to do that, can I have that? He’s usually pretty okay with this when I ask him if I can have him sit with me on the couch when we watch shows together.

    I’ve been good up until last night about letting the anger and focus on the sex part go. My anger was triggered about it last night when it seemed he made some comments that felt sexual in nature and I’ve been feeling weird about it ever since.

    I wrote out some things for myself and I feel J is inherently kind of a sexual anorexic, and I don’t know if it will ever change, and I need to decide if that’s something I’m willing to put up with. I think I am stronger about it than most but honestly, will it lead to me wanting to stray? I worry that there’s a good chance.

    I feel so stiff and uncoordinated and awkward lately like I forgot how to be fluid. I’ve got the calm part down with the feelings but…my mojo has died a lot along with his, but I still feel need on the inside, for what intimacy gives me inside, even if I’m not burning with desire physically.

    Sigh. Ugh. I’m on fire inside. Ugh….why can’t I just get this figured out, why does it keep happening? :(

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 1:27pm

  73. 73: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Circular Dating brings up anxiety in me as I do not know how to handle all the men in my life reg. intimacy. I feel afraid that I might hurt them and somehow I feel not good about it when I turn it around, when I imagine them doing what I am doing.
    But than I nobody has even brought up any commitment yet.

    And I did ask two of them today if they are interested in me or if they only want sex.

    Long distant CD messagaged me and I asked him that after he invited me to come and visit him in a month time and after he brought up sex again.

    And G-Cd my favorite at the moment called me today – which I felt very happy about and after the call and some more texting I asked him that too…

    and both said they don’t know me well enough so they can’t say, but they are open. MMMmmmh

    G-CD than called again and we spoke about it. I told him that it didn’t feel good not hearing from him after our intense night and he said that he didn’t want to disturb me dating – well.
    And that he feels uneasy opening up to me if I am dating other man…I don’t know if he was 100 % serious so or if he just said that…

    he made me think so

    and I just came back from my date with E-CD and I was open to him kissing me and it felt good with him too.
    But just thinking about G-CD seeing me with him makes me feel weird.

    I feel overwhelmed with it all and don’t know
    what to tell G-CD if he asks me about my date etc.

    He understands so that I am dating because I want to manifest a committed relationship and he knows that I am not open for affairs…
    He didn’t fix a date with me so and he seemed to retreat while we were speaking about it. He said he will call again soon.

    But it all feels weird and messy to me,
    I feel afraid that they stop being interested in me once they know that I am dating other men,
    eg. once G-CD knows that I might be kissing other men and once E-Cd knows that I am sleeping with another…
    and than if I keep dating others and go and visit LD-CD it might just be all to much for them.
    I feel very uneasy about the whole thing.

    Sirens – I would welcome any feedback on how you handle it, if you were feeling anxious too and if your anxiety changed. what do you tell your CDs when they ask if there are other men and how intimate you are with them….

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 5:01pm

  74. 74: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Reading the list on boy things to do I feel quiet happy and satisfied with myself and I realise that even so I am very feminine in nature, if my anxiety and fear doesn’t kick me into control mode, I have developed my boy skills quiet well. I have created websites, I have built things, I am working out, I can drill my own holes into my walls, I can solder stuff, make myself dresses…

    The challenge I face these days is to motivate myself doing those things. I often feel excited about these things and want to do stuff and than instead of doing I think about it …and I am just realising it as I write it…I start to feel overwhelmed by what I need to do , to get to start the project. Eg. I would love to make myself new dresses but I don’t have the fabrics, I don’t have the pattern and the more I think about it the more my boy energy gets weight down and I loose my motivation. And than my mind goes to the next thing I’d like to do and as I think about the details and what I need to do to make it happen and as I weigh out the potential my boy energy looses its power and doubt creeps in if its worth the effort.
    Most of the time my motivation kicks in when the time is pressing, eg. today I finally went to ikea to get these new curtain rails as I want to feel good in my space when I invite my CDs into my home.

    I guess list making and small steps of action would help me to dissipate my feelings of being overwhelmed.

    and of course withdrawing my mind to waste so much time on thinking about men and investing it instead into my projects.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 6:00pm

  75. 75: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Labbit #65
    ‘I need to leave the men I want alone in my mind so they can get curious about me and have room in our energy bubble to come forward to me.’

    thank you for reminding us all.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 6:16pm

  76. 76: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    I feel awful today. No energy….weak, spacey, just wanted the workday to be over so I could go back to bed. My heart feels like it’s super close to the outside of my skin, I have a headache, my throat feels dry, my body feels limp. I think I made myself sick. None of these ailments are real. My mind hasn’t been saying the nicest things to me today…I feel failure creeping over me…I want to hibernate. A bunch of friends are meeting up tonight at a bar, I’m sure Mechanic will show up, but I don’t want to talk to him..or anyone else really, right now. It’s so much easier to type than actually be social. Anyway, sinking into my sheets and watching a movie.

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 7:06pm

  77. 77: KimNo Gravatar says:

    Azure blu, thank you so much for asking. I am ok. I broke down and cried for hours today, a combination of things, mostly Condo worries and financial worries and the fact I have to shoulder all this alone.
    I just felt really lonely and everybody was quiet, my phone never rang and no messages, everybody kinda dropped off.
    Sometimes it feels tiring to go through everything alone.

    However, I am excited to hear about your date! How did it go, what did you do???

    Friday, 18 July 2014 @ 9:11pm

  78. 78: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    (((Millie)))

    (((Kim)))

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 12:27am

  79. 79: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Mandy,

    I can see how that would feel bad :( Has J’s sex drive always been low, or is it just in recent months? Have you tried engaging him in asking what turns him, or instead of directly initiating, sharing what turns you on or sending him risqué pictures of yourself? I’m so sorry you are going through this.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 12:35am

  80. 80: CurvySiren10No Gravatar says:

    I am just sitting here and laughing…watching a new show on Bravo network (probably only in the US?) called “Online Dating Rituals”. :) It’s obviously a bit (?) dramatized but sadly some of the madness is pretty legit, and I think we’ve all experienced this if we’ve tried the online dating thing. It’s really funny and entertaining and a bit informational, especially this episode which is the MEN looking for dates. (they have episodes for both men and women “searching”)
    They’re doing a good job of capturing how incredibly awkward it can be, lol.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 6:24am

  81. 81: SequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a strong urge to text G-CD and ask him If our date is happening now tomorrow or not. I feel anxious that it wont Happen and that i wont hear from him again. I Need to Trust.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 10:10am

  82. 82: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “You want to get really comfortable leaning back and RECEIVING from a man before you even think about leaning forward.

    Often what happens is, we can delude ourselves into THINKING we don’t care about the outcome, just because our urge to lean forward is so intense that we want to talk ourselves into it.

    I remember always wanting to text an ex who I was still feeling very attached to. I would say to myself, “I’ll just send him a text, I don’t care if he texts me back or not…” and I would text him. Then I would lose sleep obsessively checking my phone every few minutes to see if he had responded.”

    Helena Hart

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 10:27am

  83. 83: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I spent the night watching an on demand tv series. Cedar Cove. Its based on a series of books. It has a lot of people in a small town setting… Meeting, falling in love, breaking up etc. Each of the couples are different.

    I found myself cringing in some of the scenes and thinking… well no wonder you are having issues with your man… your communication is alll masculine energy. I was thinking WOW I can actually spot this now. I see it. Then I thought…I would have never done or said that! Of course this guy isnt going to open up to you after you did that. I did not see one woman use feeling messages really. Except the main character here and there.

    I then was wondering how I would have handled that and running it thru myself. What would I have said or done.

    I was thinking… Rori should produce a show. Write the script so we could see (cause I am a very visual learner) just how its done her way. It would be so inspiring to me and helpful.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 10:48am

  84. 84: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    I am really going to try hard to start practicing communicating with feeling messages.

    I have to be honest here… I am feeling low and alone. I am unable to find the strength to fake it until I make it. Finding the ability to propel myself forward, go out, put my profile back seems daunting again. I feel a nasty voice yelling all kinds of negative things at me. My attitude stinks today. I feel grey.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 11:14am

  85. 85: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    ((((Linda))))

    May I ask, why do you need to fake it till you make it? It’s barely been any time at all since you and P broke up. Would it not feel good to just do what feels good for you and not fake anything? Sink into your feelings for a bit if you want to, wallow a bit if you want to, do whatever feels good and loving and nurturing and pleasurable in this moment. I don’t see any need in pretending to be strong if you feel lonely and despondent. I like to love on myself till those feelings pass. Reach out for someone who cares for you. Do your favourite things.

    x

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 2:28pm

  86. 86: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    MarikaBerg,

    I don’t think leaning back means playing games, and it doesn’t mean not responding to him if he reaches out to you. For me it means getting comfortable in receiving what is coming towards you, allowing yourself to absorb love and gifts coming towards you without pushing them away.

    I don’t blame you for wanting more than “hello beautiful” texts – I would too, I think most women would. But if that is all this particular man is offering you, that’s why it’s important to Circular Date.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 2:33pm

  87. 87: MillieNo Gravatar says:

    Linda 84–

    I know exactly how you feel…I feel the same way. Grey.
    I too…need to put more effort into feeling messages. I notice when I use them, my feeling messages are very short and childlike, often three word sentences, not poetic and beautiful at all.
    thank you for sharing xo

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 3:36pm

  88. 88: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo.. I just feel sooo reallly done tired of this ever repeating (for different reasons of course) thing in my life. I know I did what I needed to do but. I would still make the same decision. I just wish that it was not something I had to do is all. For so long it seemed I would never find a man who actually wanted me (which felt amazing finally)..only to have walk away because of all the other un amazing stuff.

    I really do not have anyone to reach out to with skin and bones. I do have this place though.

    Anyway, I did sign up to go to a meet up with my new doxie tomorrow. I have never been and dont know a soul but want to do something for my dog. She seems to love other dogs and has so much energy to burn.

    Thanks Indigo for reminding me to be patient with myself. xo

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 5:07pm

  89. 89: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Mille… baby steps. I am making them too. One day we will look back and see that this time in our lives has passed.

    xo

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 5:12pm

  90. 90: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Feeling extremely triggered. Even tho H and I had a 2 hr talk last week and it seemed as tho we were on the same page I just dont know. Trying to lean back and let go and live my life and be happy…but I’m not happy. And it’s not just H. Many other things in my life that are stressing me out and triggering me. I just don’t know anymore. Feeling hopeless.

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 6:22pm

  91. 91: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    I’m sorry. Would your daughters not love to hear from you and comfort you during this difficult-feeling time?

    My mom sometimes reminds me, and it’s good for me to hear, that people really do want to love you, there are many people in the world who want to be with you and want to be close to you, we just have to let them. I had a meltdown a few weeks ago where I felt very lonely and she reminded me of this. And so I have been making a conscious effort to keep my heart open. And sure enough, people are there.

    x

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 11:42pm

  92. 92: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Purple,

    Sometimes one big thing is causing most of the feeling of stress and being triggered, and then it spills out to the rest of your life making everything seem more difficult and overwhelming. For me, that thing was my job and I’ve noticed how much easier everything feels now that I’m not doing that job any more. Sometimes it’s helpful to find one thing you can change for the better and everything shifts a bit and feels better. x

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 11:46pm

  93. 93: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I had the most lovely Friday and Saturday night, Circular Dating with all around me and soaking up the fun. D is sick at the moment, and whilst I am worried about him, I decided long ago that that would not put my life on hold.

    On Friday night I went out to a pub for some drinks for my good friend’s boyfriend’s birthday, and I wore this beautiful chocolate brown satin corset-type top. There was such a festive vibe and tons of men around just chatting and giving attention and buying drinks. Got into chatting at length with a guy who has many interests in common with me, and though I ended the evening with aching feet and a headache, it was all good.

    On Saturday night I accepted an invitation from J to go the rugby. He’s been inviting me out every couple of weeks and I’ve just been sort of enjoying it for what it was and not thinking about it very much in between. The rugby was fantastic! We had such a great time. We bumped into friends of his at the stadium and it all turned out to be very festive with fireworks and live music and a victory for our team.

    I was reminded this weekend how fun and necessary circular dating can be :)

    Saturday, 19 July 2014 @ 11:55pm

  94. 94: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    sequoia #73
    Arent these men online dating also?

    Even with men I meet not on dating sites and date.
    Yes, men I date bring this up also… about dating others… (this is just me… but I don’t have sex unless I’m exclusive)
    I like to discuss the situation… I mention
    Me: “We are both on a dating site to get to know people…
    If at some point there is a connection we could explore the possibility of only dating each other…
    What do you think?”

    Yes, some men do disappear… however i’ve noticed they almost always come back later…

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 6:42am

  95. 95: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Kim,)))
    I know it must feel sooo overwhelming to have your HOME in an upheavel and finances NOT there to get it fixed!! Also feeling like there is NO ONE to lean on and to give a helping hand!!
    I feel you DO have the strength and courage to spread YOUR wings and open your heart and share these feelings with some of you loving friends and family!!!
    I have learned when I do open my heart to love and understanding… there is SOOOO much more for me than I ever thought…
    I am sending vibes of strength and courage to you!!

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 6:59am

  96. 96: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo…
    Yay!!
    Friday and Saturday sounded Wonderful!!! :->
    I can picture how beautiful and shiny you must have looked!!!
    You sound so bright and happy…
    Cding can be soooo fun…

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 7:01am

  97. 97: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    I went out with Spiritcd on our FIRST official date friday night…

    We’ve known each other for 8 months and off and on he would text me “i’m at this bar,,,, I miss you can you join me?”
    I would meet if I could…
    when we did meet often he would want to discuss his religion… born again beliefs… I AM spiritual NOT religious
    BUT i have always stood strong that we don’t believe the same on a VERY fundamental level…
    Me:”You deserve someone who embraces what you believe because it is important to YOU!!”
    and I deserve someone who believes what I believe”

    Now… he won’t discuss religion because he knows…

    He is sooo, fun, upbeat (but can be serious). we’d get up and dance if there was a good song (mind you these are NOT a bar to dance in ;-))
    easy for me to talk to, funny, complimentary, likes how I dress… I like how he dresses… he’s a great dad!!
    He is soo affectionate… lots of kisses etc…

    We had such a Great time… it’s the world renown Art Fair in our city this weekend… we went to the Beer Garden downtown… ate outside at a downtown restaurant… he introduced me to his friends we ran into… we went Salsa dancing at Bar Louis – he’s a GREAT dancer… we stayed out till late… he is VERY masculine… opens my doors, woories if i’m warm enough… tall and handsome…
    Mmmmm… so yummy…
    AND he thinks I’m VERY yummy too…
    Takes lots of cell phone photos of us and texts them to me… “u are Gorgeous”
    I dooo love appreciation!!

    BUT, lovely Sirens, as My heart IS open… I really don’t want to be with a man whos religious beliefes are SOOO different from mine.

    I am practicing…seeing how it feels to be with a very masculine man… I am practicing being open hearted… need to practice using more feeling messages…

    Also… I see how LOVELY it has been to slowly get to know each other…
    That would be me… letting go….. not worried about the outcome… letting the man lead…
    Interesting…
    :~}

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 7:51am

  98. 98: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Linda)))
    Lovely Siren… I agree with Indigo…
    Love YOURSELF… literally put your arms around you and gently, hug YOU and tell YOU
    How you are sorry you are sooo sad and tired…
    and that YOu are there for YOU…
    There is a light at the end… this is the time to feel
    alll these feelings…
    I know you have been searching, exploring learning
    MORE and MORE about the Siren that is YOU…
    Do you have the Modern Siren Cds?
    It is my feelings they would be good to listen to for you…
    oxoxoxo

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 7:59am

  99. 99: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    So…I’m just not understanding H at all. He texted me early last night after work to tell me that he had finally gotten thru and ordered the tickets for us to go to a big 4 day event this coming wknd (Country Thunder). We went last year and had a blast. Conversation was great. He said that he was thinking of going to the bar that we have frequented for the last 3 yrs later after he worked on the car with his son. I said ok that I wasn’t sure if I felt like going out as we had been out the night before and my brother was over. So later that eve about 9:30 I asked if he was going and he said he was still working on the car. After that when I tried to find out, cuz I was considering going with him, he would not reply. Nothing from him for the next 2 hours. I probably shouldn’t have done this but at 12am I drove past the bar and his car was there. He totally blew me off and ignored my texts. I feel ignored, unwanted and pushed away. Am I wrong? What do you think sirens? I’m very hurt. It seems as tho he didn’t want me around. I sent him a text last night and said ‘why are you obviously ignoring me? I feel it’s rude and disrespectful. Goodbye’. I still haven’t heard from him. My gf asked if he was hormonal. I’m starting to think he is. I’m backing way way far away at this point.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 8:28am

  100. 100: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    After a hectic week of work, it feels so good to come back here, to return to softness.

    Liquid Light and Indigo – I am so glad to hear that you are both happy at your jobs. Indigo – yay to the new job!

    Azure Blu – Hi : ) Ahhh, dancing salsa how lovely!!

    ((((((((Kim))))))))))))))

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 11:15am

  101. 101: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    It seemed so difficult to be in touch with myself and take care of myself with all the work I had to do. I felt dismayed that I began to be ratty in my energy – but those were NVs and a response to what was happening around me. I just couldn’t relax into myself – and when I let myself feel, I noticed that I wanted to curl up, keep my body and my self to myself, I felt bombarded and hardness all around me, I felt a desire to be released and wanting to cry – there was no space for my body to simply be : (

    I am so glad to be back here and to have given myself a whole day just to ‘spill out’ instead of keeping myself ‘inside’.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 11:25am

  102. 102: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    I practiced leaning back on my date with FunnyCD – he was practically leaning over the table and at some point was reaching and touching me. That energy was coming at me and it felt overwhelming at times. For some reason I felt melty inside myself hearing about waves/the movement of water – that was beautiful to experience.

    I felt nervous and anxious when I decided to not respond to messages and not to go on dates this weekend and instead to take care of me – a flood of emotions filled me on Saturday and I noticed a familiar feeling which I now understand as a needing to meet/be around people or as a change of scenery.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 11:44am

  103. 103: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    prplpsn thanks for sharing. It is really instructional for me reading your stories

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 12:31pm

  104. 104: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo. There are indeed people that love me. I made a decision to not share anything about my “love life” with my girls. I have in the past and I have learned that it is just better to not go there for multiple reasons. Same thing with my mother.

    So while there are people who indeed love me it is not unconditional. They are not truly supportive of me finding happiness with a new man . The reasons are varied… I have just learned the hard way to not go there.

    Thus the compartmental life I lead.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:01pm

  105. 105: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    AzureBlue.
    I don’t have the modern siren CD’s. I am doing things that feel good to me though.

    Your date sounded lovely. I do enjoy a man that treats me as you described SpiritCD did. It feels yummy !
    xo

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:08pm

  106. 106: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Purple.

    What you experienced would be unacceptable to me if I were in a committed relationship. I am not sure what your is with H. I don’t get the impression that you occupy a place high priority in his life. Forgive me if I have mis-interpreted. It would not feel good to me and would not be what I want in my life.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:19pm

  107. 107: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu & Veronica

    Thank you :)

    Love to you both!!

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:23pm

  108. 108: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,

    I understand. There are certain things I cannot share with my family. Sometimes it is best to keep your own counsel.

    *hugs* x

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:24pm

  109. 109: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Veronica,

    I love how in touch with yourself you are.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:29pm

  110. 110: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Purple,

    Please forgive me if any of this is triggering to you. I also feel confused about the level of commitment you have with H. I get a more casual vibe from your posts about him, and from how you describe his behavior, and there is nothing wrong with this. But if it were me, I would go on dates with other men, or at least go out with your girlfriends or in groups with other people. I just don’t feel good wondering about the level of commitment I have with a man. If he is not being clear, I’d rather just continue circular dating. It really, truly does wonders for your peace of mind.

    Did he specifically invite you to come to the bar with him? Your post does not say. I don’t like to assume I’m invited to come somewhere with a man unless he makes that clear. Again, him telling me he’s going off to do something without me is more of a casual vibe and would be a sign for me to make my own plans.

    x

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 2:40pm

  111. 111: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Indigo 112 – H and I have been together for 3 yrs now. We have discussed fwb’s and dating other people (most recently last week cuz we had kinda a falling out) and we seem to be on the same page. It’s more then fwb’s for both of us and neither one of us is or has an interest in dating anyone else. I do CD all the time. I do things with girlfriends, etc. I always have something planned and H is usually right there wanting to be a part of it with me. I’ve been around his family and friends and he’s been around my family and friends. He hugs and kisses me around my kids. Just did thursday eve. Normally on the wknds when my kids are with their dad (this wknd) we always do things together. That’s not saying that he’s never around my kids, cuz he is. It’s just “our” wknd to have fun and enjoy each others company. So when he asked what I was upto last night (which he does often) and said that he would possibly be going to this bar later…that said to me that he wanted me to know and possibly go with him. I’m not really sure how things ended up the way they did. He did a complete 180. Before that we were texting and joking like we always do and having a good conversation. And he was excited cuz he finally got thru to get us tickets for Country Thunder this next wknd.

    I appologize for rambling on but I want to explain cuz I’m confused and really don’t understand what has happened. I appreciate any input from everyone on here.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 3:58pm

  112. 112: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    #96 Azur Blu – thank you for your input.
    G-Cd is not on a dating site. He has been in touch and we had an amazing time together, just wow…
    and he brought up the dating, that I am dating and that he has to be careful. He told me he is to bussy with his business to be dating other women, which is great and I do believe him.
    He also told me that he perceives me as controlling and as a princess, that things have to go the way I want them and if they don’t I get upset – well he is right. I told him that yes I have a certain vision and if it is not like that I easily feel anxious, and that I want to relax and surrender and trust in life.
    He is an amazing lover and I am appreciating him very much just for that.
    He shared his business burdens with me and he seems quiet stressed about it…I was able to just listen and to lean back and feel with him, which I am proud of.

    E-CD who is very different to G-CD hasn’t been in touch and it doesn’t bother me at all. He is an interesting man, very wealthy which is attractive but at the same time also unattractive as he is very much tide into his profession and not really free.
    I wasn’t feeling as comfortable with him as I am feeling with G-CD.
    Not sure if E-CD is on a dating site but he took me to a very fancy hotel for dinner and drinks and also made a joke about taking a room, which I ignored, and I have the feeling he is a very experienced dater.

    I met both of them around the same time in real life not on a dating site , which I feel very excited about as it showes me that I have become more open to men.

    Tomorrow I have a date with a man from a dating site,
    who contacted me telling me upfront that he is not looking for a serious relationship but people to go out with with similar interests.
    He seemed interesting and I felt it would be good to practice leaning back with him, but I am not excited at all – well lets see.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 4:17pm

  113. 113: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Azur blue ‘as My heart IS open… I really don’t want to be with a man whos religious beliefes are SOOO different from mine.’

    I do understand you, for me spiritual believes have always been very important as well and I thought I had found my path , my truth….but than a few years later I came across another path that shook up everything for me and now I find myself with a completley different view on things that challenge most path I have known.
    According to my imaginary ex- this was the reason why he didn’t want to be with me, why he left, he couldn’t accept it.

    Now I have internalised it a bit more and I do not need to speak about it as much as I used to. I want to mainly focus on integrating what I know intellectually on a heart level- and for me my spiritual path has become to learn to truly love, to feel all my feelings, to release my addictions so that I can feel all my uncomfortable feelings and to develop a very personal relationship with God and long for God love (non-religious) – and 2 years ago I didn’t even believe in God, but in universal energy and so many other concepts that helped me to escape my emotional reality.

    In the past I couldn’t imagine being with a man who wasn’t into the same thing but now I am much more open. I noticed that men who are not into any spiritual path are much more open to my new path, however I have decided to not speak to much about it as it can turn people off if they do not know me.
    Of course it would be amazing to share the same vision, longing and priorities and I have the feeling that the best way to inspire others to be open to ones path is by living it oneself rather than speaking about it.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 4:44pm

  114. 114: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Kim #77 it sounds like life is giving you an opportunity to go deep into the feeling that no one is there for you. Maybe you felt that when you were young in your babyhood. I had those feelings too, they have come up again and again and sometimes not always I was/am able to get into them to feel how alone I was and how scared I was on so many levels. If you can allow yourself to get into it, to feel your fear, anger, sadness….release can happen.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 4:53pm

  115. 115: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Linda #106 ‘So while there are people who indeed love me it is not unconditional. They are not truly supportive of me finding happiness with a new man . The reasons are varied… I have just learned the hard way to not go there.’

    I can relate to that and I feel so happy that this site exists.

    Most of my ‘old’ girl friends are in a relationship, and they have heard my stories for years. They ‘seem’ happy, and I have the feelings they can not really relate to what I am experiencing.

    I have the feeling that it even has come to some sort of addictive pattern: I have been sharing my relationship dramas with them and they have given me advice, which makes them feel good and better about their life even so I have the feeling they are not truly happy and I have been in the role of the vicitme -the poor me. But not any longer, it doesn’t fit me any more!

    I want to break this addictive cycle and I do not feel that comfortable anymore to share about my stuff, the cding etc….they do not really understand and I do not want to feel their feelings of pity anymore and put me into the victime role that is not me!

    I also do not want to bitch about man any longer.
    I have taken on this anger towards men from my mother and I do not want it anymore and with one particular ‘old’ girlfriends I used to bitch about my men, however she would hardly share anything about her relationship, but give me ‘advice’ – some addictive pattern. I don’t want this any longer.

    I want to love men.
    A very good book on this is ‘opening our heart to men’ by Susan Jeffers.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 5:17pm

  116. 116: sequoiaNo Gravatar says:

    Linda #106 ‘So while there are people who indeed love me it is not unconditional. They are not truly supportive of me finding happiness with a new man . The reasons are varied… I have just learned the hard way to not go there.’

    I can relate to that and I feel so happy that this site exists.

    Most of my ‘old’ girl friends are in a relationship, and they have heard my stories for years. They ‘seem’ happy, and I have the feelings they can not really relate to what I am experiencing.

    I have the feeling that it even has come to some sort of addictive pattern: I have been sharing my relationship dramas with them and they have given me advice, which makes them feel good and better about their life even so I have the feeling they are not truly happy and I have been in the role of the vicitme -the poor me. But not any longer, it doesn’t fit me any more!

    I want to break this addictive cycle and I do not feel that comfortable anymore to share about my stuff, the cding etc….they do not really understand and I do not want to feel their feelings of pity anymore and put me into the victime role that is not me!

    I also do not want to bitch about man any longer.
    I have taken on this anger towards men from my mother and I do not want it anymore and with one particular ‘old’ girlfriends I used to bitch about my men, however she would hardly share anything about her relationship, but give me ‘advice’ – some addictive pattern. I don’t want this any longer.

    I want to love men.

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 5:18pm

  117. 117: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Sequoia,
    Thank you for sharing your spiritual journey and how it moves and flows and changes through your life…
    Mine has done the same…
    I agree with you… I believe our spiritual paths are very intimate experiences and should be honored by not imposing them on anyone else
    But living your beliefs (as you said) is the witness we bare
    Not talking about them..
    oxoxo

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 9:57pm

  118. 118: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    veronica…
    you listen to YOU… you are soothing and comforting YOU… Yay!!

    I like what you shared
    about feeling overwhelmed with the energy of Funny coming toward you…
    I too feel overwhelmed by Spirit’s sexual energy coming toward me… and also excited…
    I think I will share with him feeling overwhelmed… if he could be less agressive.. I could relax a little more…

    Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 10:05pm

  119. 119: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Purple,

    Thank you – I think I understand your set-up a bit better now, and I can understand how you feel. I think I can also understand how you expected to be invited to the bar, but maybe that is something to consider for next time? Maybe he wanted guy time or a bit of time alone. That is really really common with guys if they have just spent time and attention giving to you (like spending most of the weekend with you and buying the tickets). It’s nothing to be worried about and most men find it very necessary to withdraw from time to time. D’s attention comes in ebbs and flows in a pattern I can practically predict, and when he’s having his “me” time he doesn’t reply to my text messages either. I used to get all panicky but it doesn’t mean anything bad, and although my mind can be making up stories, it actually only lasts for a few hours.

    Maybe something to consider for future, if he doesn’t specifically invite you, ask – say you’d love to join, or ask him if he wants guy time.

    x

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 12:01am

  120. 120: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    I rounded off a lovely weekend with a movie evening with D – yummy kisses and cuddles, and he went and bought me my favourite pizza. He was just still a little bit fluey, but seemed much better.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 12:06am

  121. 121: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    Purple.. As I read your reply to Indigo I get a better scence of what your relationship is with H. Three years is indeed time to see a persons patterns and behaviors, attitudes etc. I get the feeling that you are not okay with some of them.

    I would be asking myself some questions and finding my answers. What do you want? What do you really feel? Does H speak of a future making with you ? Are you okay with your place in his life? Is trust an issue?,..I remember you have posted before about secretly driving places to see where he is etc.

    Yes men may want their “guys night” and “me” time. Thats all good. Indigo makes some wise and valid points. However, for me if I were in a relationship and I was not responded to like you indicated I would not hesitate to let it be known how I felt about it and why. It is certainly ok to say what you want and dont want.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:06am

  122. 122: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    @28 ((((Medusa)))) – It felt so good to read that. I love what you are doing for yourself! You are special. I can tell. Sending you lots of good vibes!

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:23am

  123. 123: IamHisNo Gravatar says:

    I feel embarrassed. I always feel embarrassed when I ask for advice on here.

    I put a cute pic up on social media that got attention from men and High school guy “liked” it.

    I feel kinda angry at him for blowing me off! It’s been a month since he’s done it.

    I feel like the only reason he’s paying attention is because he sees that other guys are.

    I don’t know if I should say something or not.

    “HS, I feel disappointed and kinda angry and sad that I didn’t see you when I was in town a few weeks ago.”

    The accusatory part of me wants to be like;

    “You jerk! You completely blew me off! You think that’s okay? You think I tolerate just being blown off? You can’t treat me like that! In what universe would that be okay? and I’m not sure, but I think you either lied to me or are a complete drunken idiot who can’t keep the dates of when I’m in town straight!?”

    Obviously, I’m not going to say that, but what about

    “HS, I felt disappointed and sad and angry that I didn’t hear from you when I was in town?”

    Feedback would feel great. I feel so insecure…

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:34am

  124. 124: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    My text tone went off at 1:54 this morning. It woke me up. I checked it… of course it was as I suspected from P. He sent me a video that he had taken of my dog.. asking how she was and wishing me a good week. I felt annoyed.

    He had already sent it to me the first part of July and I thanked him for it. Why wake me up with it and why re-send it? Which brings me to a more sobering thought.

    I often felt like I was dealing with a man with a split personality but that aside. I have seriously suspect he has some REAL memory issues. He would often repeat the same stories and comments over and over. I was boring… One time I said, “yes I remember, you have told me that before” He got offended saying… “it doesnt matter you should politely listen” hmmmm
    I know we all do it, forget that we told something or who we told.. but this was all the time.

    I saw a report recently about Ambien.. the perscription sleep aid. It was not good report and in fact down right scary about the possible side affects of and sometimes permanant damange long term usage of the drug can cause. (it was never intended for use like ). Guess who takes and has taken that drug for years?

    Maybe this was is something I was dealing with with him. Sobering thoughts.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:35am

  125. 125: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Linda 124,

    From my own experience, medication can have a profound effect on a person’s personality/moods/memory :/ At least some of the pieces are coming together for you.

    x

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:51am

  126. 126: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    Linda 121,

    Yes I agree, if it were me I would also have expressed how I felt and I have done so. I just mean that it’s an awful way to be feeling (again, I speak from experience as I have felt that way – anxious, confused, ignored) and tempering it with a realization of what is really going on with him can make YOU feel better, which is what’s most important.

    It’s not the same thing as Purple’s situation, but the week before last I had that situation with D. He had my identity book and I needed it and he was not responding to my texts. I felt SO ignored and mad and triggered. Turns out he was in the hospital having tests run and he was terrified and anxious. He called me as soon as he got out and of course whilst I understood why I felt as I did, it reminded me to put it into perspective.

    But yeah, I love your questions to Purple about the future and what she wants/needs out of the relationship. So important.

    x

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 5:00am

  127. 127: LindaNo Gravatar says:

    YES…Pieces of puzzles. I certainly do appreciate a good puzzle. Not so much in my love life though HA!

    I have to say… If it were not for the anger/mood stuff with P I quite possibly could have lived my happily ever after with him.

    Whatever the source, (past baggage/medicine etc) the fact that they were present did break my deal with him. He is on the back of my horse. My feelings for him there too.

    Who knows maybe someday he and I would work out if those factors were gone. Life is no funwith a person that is sooo darn difficult to get along with.


    As a side note…

    I read a little article in Ladies magazine this morning. It was a list of dos and donts to help your marriage or relationship.

    Dont expect to be happy all the time
    Do delete the word “Should” from your vocabulary – (ahh the old expectation thing again)
    Don’t hesitate to call in a pro when you need one.
    Dont get complacent
    Do meet him in the middle
    Dont make him the center of your universe
    Do accept him for who he is
    Dont get snarky (love the word snarky)
    Do speak his love language – find out what it is.
    Dont spend every moment together
    Dont go away mad – make sure your disagreements are important enough to argue about.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 5:54am

  128. 128: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Linda,,,
    Thanks for sharing these tips!!
    Sooo short and easy!!
    Very insightful

    Interesting about the medication and how it affects P.
    You really do sound sooo grounded and clear about your boundaries with him….
    Having gone through this same sort of break up with BK in Nov…
    I thought we could have made such a wonderful couple for the rest of our lives… :~/

    I still go back and forth about the great things we had together… sooooo much goodness…

    BUT then I remember how he needed TOOOO much time alone (off and on -6 months out of the year) and wouldn’t compromise one little bit…
    and many more things… and how I felt in His presence… uptight, major anxiousness, worried, booty call, crumb taker… ohhh the list goes on…

    I am sooo much happier and calm, and grounded…
    and I thank him often (in my head) for leading me to Rori and this blog!!

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 7:00am

  129. 129: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    IamHis – 123 – I would suggest just leaving it all alone. This isn’t the kind of man you would really want, yes? Yet if you feel compelled, how about this – shirt and simple. It can be read in any number of ways.

    “HS, I missed seeing you this past weekend.”

    xxoo

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 9:41am

  130. 130: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much Indigo and Linda for your responses. :) I think the next step is to just talk to H and get an understanding as to why things happened the way they did.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 10:00am

  131. 131: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    RileyTheOwl! So glad you enjoyed your trip to Toronto :) I was in Banff when you were there, we’ve just moved to Vancouver after a 2 wk road trip vacation! Maybe I will get back over to your beautiful island soon xo

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 11:35am

  132. 132: prplpsn28No Gravatar says:

    Just wanted to say also that this is not a common thing for H to do. He doesn’t ignore my texts. At times if he is busy it may take a while for him to respond…but he does. He’s done this maybe twice in the 3 yrs and it’s been during a time when I have gotten upset or have been “needy/clingy”. The thing about Saturday eve is that I can’t see anything that I did or said that was “needy/clingy”. I did have contact with him last night for a bit but it was thru texting so I didn’t bring it up. I will talk to him about it when we see each other.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 11:36am

  133. 133: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla,
    Great to hear from you!
    Can’t wait to hear how your road trip went!!
    and you new home and city!!

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 12:07pm

  134. 134: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont yet have internet hooked up so just checking in from my phone today which in honesty is a pain to read through the comments so I am behind on what everyone is doing and hope to catch up soon.

    Our trip was successful and there were a lot of lessons learned along the way. We had tears, tantrums, arguments, shouting, laughing, hugs, kisses, intimate talks, family meetings, rules, apologies, fun, adventure and every single moment was bursting with love. The stress of moving, of negotiating a newish relationship, of blending families consisting of 2 teens, a preteen and 2 children; of both our exs deciding to pick this chaotic moment to cause trouble, of being stuck together 24/7 in closed quarters.. How we hot through it at all is miraculous and I can honestly say it was all down to Ninja. He organised everything, he kept us all on track, he ensured everyones needs were met and catered to and he took control of emotionally charged situations. He even put his foot down with me a few times when the stress inside me was leaking out like steam from a pressure cooker. I found ways to have alone time to cool off, work through my feelings, choose my words and am sorry to admit that every argument we had was caused by my stuffed feelings clouding my ability see what was actually going on around me and unintentionally making problems where there were none. I have learned to apologise first even when i am feeling upset, he always instantly acknowledges my apology and offers his apology too. I am learning that although i want a strong, reliable, capable man to lead (and without a doubt i couldnt have found a better head of the house!) the giving up control part is not natural to me, following his lead is not always easy and part of me is testing his ‘authority’ and willfully going against him. I realised that i still have a fear of being silenced and invisible from my abusive marriage and sometimes i fight to feel in control and it took a while to find the right words to communicate with him what i need to feel heard and understood so that i dont feel roughshod over even though when i am calm and happy i can clearly see everything he has done has been for my benefit and to address my feelings. I need verbal confirmation and he is an action oriented man. He shows me but sometimes i cant see it until i ‘hear’ it first.

    Things are calm and happy and intimate and exciting and the few hiccups we have experienced have brought us all closer and bonded us. Today Ninja is back at work and Im home with the kids. The 3 older ones are singing and dancing while organising their new room and the 2 smaller ones are outside playing with their new friends.

    The transition from dating to a real relationship is bumpy, the script has changed and although its still all about my feelings i can see how i was very necessarily self absorbed when dating in order to choose the right man but i now that ive found him i need to express my feelings to him and trust that he has my best interests at heart and use my strength to follow his lead. He has proven to be trustworthy of caring for my well being and happiness and i am reassured that letting go of control in the relationship is really what is best for me, him and us. Plus it makes for electric chemistry and fiery passion ;)

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 12:11pm

  135. 135: KylaNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu I have missed your voice xoxo

    My favorite part of our trip was every might when we put the kids to bed and told them we needed time to relax he brought me by the hand to sit outside with a drink to watch the stars and teach me different outdoor survival skills like building a fire with nothing but a log and an ax or how to tell the time from the sun or where the blind spot is in the very center of your vision. My second favorite part was having 2way radios in our cars as i was following him and most of the time we had no cell service, we used radio names and he would point out things along the road to me and sing songs to me so although i was driving alone with one sleeping child whike he was ahead with the rest of them i never felt alone and enjoyed every second of the drive with him :)

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 12:23pm

  136. 136: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Indigo – 111 – Thank you x I feel appreciated and supported : )

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 2:55pm

  137. 137: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Azure Blu – 118 – : ) How I enjoy your energy : ) Your words encourage me to keep listening to myself – thank you.

    How did sharing of feeling overwhelmed go? Sometimes I am so busy feeling that saying the words are forgotten – it’s mesmerizing.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 2:56pm

  138. 138: VeronicaNo Gravatar says:

    Kyla – wow – the 2way radio idea is amazing and also beautiful.

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 2:57pm

  139. 139: Goddess of LoveNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies- A basic question…

    I’ve been dating someone for 7 or 8 months do I still wait for him to open the car door. I have been, but if feels real awkward sometimes…sort of gimicky.

    Also advice on paying…my guy is not working now, is looking for a job and may start soon. He usually pays for everything; should I chip in occasionally? I usually choose things for us to do that don’t cost anything or much, but I’m concerned about being the doer if I start to pay. Any suggestions?

    What have you heard from Rori on these…?

    Thanks in advance…

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 4:45pm

  140. 140: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    (((Ohhh Kyla,,,)))
    Such a glorious sharing of a real life, modern”covered wagon” crossing through our big beautiful country!!!

    I pasted and copied this because I need to remember this when my cding changes
    into a real relationship…
    “the script has changed and although its still all about my feelings i can see how i was very necessarily self absorbed when dating in order to choose the right man…”

    So glad you alll made it…
    When reading what you have shared I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of combining such a big family… and how well and enthusiastically you are all managing this…
    Ninja and YOU, darling siren, are my heros!!!
    :~>

    Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 5:43pm

  141. 141: IndigoNo Gravatar says:

    marikaberg,

    Other sirens may disagree, but I’d probably just answer with a ” :) ” and wait for him to ask me out on a date or invite me to do something, and then say how I feel.

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 6:23am

  142. 142: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    marikaB…
    I agree with Indigo… the smile
    and maybe give him an idea of what you DO want…
    “It would feel good to me if you came to my town”
    seems like a good response…
    I agree with you… I would NOT go to him…
    For me…
    in the beginning MOST of the doing etc… needs to come from him…

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 6:42am

  143. 143: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Goddess # 129…
    well for me…
    after 8 months I do like to participate a little more with paying for drinks or leaving the tip…off and on….or at least having him over and cooking…
    I’m sure he appreciates doing the less expensive outings as they are sometimes MORE fun anyway!!!
    :-)

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 7:50am

  144. 144: Azure BluNo Gravatar says:

    Did you all know there’s a new thread?

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 7:50am

  145. 145: Goddess of LoveNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Azure Blu…what’s the new thread…and where is it…

    Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 8:45am

  146. 146: NicoleNo Gravatar says:

    Rori, Do you think a couple in a really good feeling relationship, who are about to move in together should have a joint bank account?
    He wants to,,… says it would be easier and i feel uneasy about it and triggered….. Now he’s starting to distance himself….. idk what to do..

    Wednesday, 23 July 2014 @ 2:02pm

  147. 147: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Nicole – What a great question! I’m not sure why you feel uneasy…how about this: A “household account” where you each put in money each month (the same amount) and then pay for rent, food, etc. out of there…This way, neither of you have access to your regular, separate accounts, yet you have the ease he’s asking for. Talk to your bank and see what they say.

    If you ever marry – depending upon the state you live in, and it’s laws, it will likely not matter if you have separate accounts or not, so you may as well start the joint “experience” now. Starting this now will help you make decisions later on.

    And – if you’re not sure…then don’t do it. Do the research first. Love, Rori

    Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 9:35pm

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