I’m dating an older guy (20 years older), and he acted distant before, and broke up with me.
Now he’s acting distant again, and I don’t know what to do. He said I scare him, and I left him alone, today, because the last time he acted this way was the day he broke up with me, and I didn’t want that to happen again. Can you help???

Thanks

Julia

I’ve been receiving your Email updates for a couple of months, now, and just found this website.
I’m in a rather unique situation (tell me you haven’t heard this one before!).
I’m dating an older man who is nearly 20 years my senior; I’m 58, and he’ll be 78 later this year.
We were dating for awhile, and then he broke up with me because he said, “We’re not right for each other”; “you’re too young”, “we live too far apart”, “we are too busy”. ???
I was very upset, and left him alone for awhile, totally avoided seeing, talking to, calling him at all. Then, a guy friend of mine suggested that I call him to straighten out some misunderstandings between us, and I did.
He was delighted to have these things straightened out, and had told me that he was married for 3 days, and she came to him, said, “I’m sick and don’t want to be married”, and left. He got a divorce and never look back; I think that left a very big mark on him, relationship-wise.
He told me about another woman he didn’t marry, because she couldn’t leave her job to go live with him in his state (he was in her state for his job), and he couldn’t leave his job to live with her in her state, so they parted company. He said she still calls him to tell him how sorry she is, and she married someone else, who treats her bad. I think she probably calls him when she and her hubby have a fight, and she needs some sympathy.
I’m told by someone who knows us both (from Sunday School, where we met) that he is commitment-phobic, and I believe this is true.
I have fallen in love with him, and didn’t expect this to happen; that’s why it hurt so much when we broke up.
When I called him to straighten things out, I said, “remember how you said there were differences between you and your wife, that you thought could be worked out?” He said yes, he remembered; I told him that that’s what relationships are all about, and did he want to give us another chance? He said, “Well, it couldn’t hurt”.
Now he’s acting all distant, and I don’t know what’s going on, but last week, when I saw and talked with him, he said that I scare him. When I Emailed him to ask him why, he didn’t answer me. I didn’t think to ask him that when I was with him, but did kinda joke about it; I told him I wouldn’t bite him more than once, lol! We both laughed about it, and I thought that might make it ok, but he was acting very distant, in Sunday School, today, and so I left him alone. The last time he acted that way was the day we broke up, because I asked him, “Am I taking you out of your comfort zone?”
I didn’t want him to have an excuse to break up with me again, so now I don’t know what to do. Can you help???
Thanks,

Julia

Karen: Thank you. I don’t know if A is going to man up. Right now I’ve cracked open the door, but we’ll see how long that lasts. I feel heartbroken when I think about him, and I don’t like feeling that way. I’m getting back out there again and circular dating. It helps to take my focus off of him. Time will tell. I’m working really hard at getting a date on Friday. Online profiles up in three places. This sista ain’t sitting at home in mourning! I feel good knowing I can move on even when my heart feels heavy.

See?

He just is what he is. No more, no less. Nothing about you. It just hurts when you see that the butterfly you were admiring is really just a rock. But it doesn’t have to be horrible. It just is.

S. Shannon- you deserve a butterfly.

Love,
Ellen

I feel curious how I figure out the lesson/message from all this. A is a good man. I’ve never admired a man I’ve dated before, not until him. I respected him. I trusted him. So what lesson is there for me to learn when someone like that cheats on me? That any man can cheat? Ok, duh. I really would like to learn the lesson. It would somehow make this easier to bear…to know that I’m getting something out of it other than a broken heart.

I know I’m not suppose to focus on him but I think I figured out something that may have been going on with him. His ex wife cheated on him. Since meeting her last weekend, I noticed we are a lot alike. I wonder if he cheated on me as a subconscious way of getting back at her. I dunno. Just something that crossed my mind when I was trying to figure out why a man who knows what it’s like to be cheated on would then turn around and cheat on someone. Boggles my mind.

A texted me last night that he couldn’t come over because his son was sick. I said I was sorry he was sick. He texted me again asking how was my day. I didn’t reply. His next text said “call me or text me if you want. I’ll quit bothering you. Good nite.” I haven’t replied. I feel angry that he wants ME to text him. WTF? I feel rage. I want a man who would move heaven and earth to be with me. I don’t want someone who is willing to just let me go without even trying. I feel resistance to believe that this is his way of walking away. I feel amused and angry at myself for even saying that… him sleeping with another woman was him walking away. I forgive myself for not knowing. I forgive myself for trusting him. No. I feel glad that I’m still able to trust even after all of my past experiences. I feel hopeful that I can learn from my past and move on rather than relive the same experience over and over again.

As for me, I’ve got my profile back up on a few dating sites. I’m ripping off the bandaid and just putting myself out there. ~SS

I feel curious how I figure out the lesson/message from all this. A is a good man. I’ve never admired a man I’ve dated before, not until him. I respected him. I trusted him. So what lesson is there for me to learn when someone like that cheats on me? That any man can cheat? Ok, duh. I really would like to learn the lesson. It would somehow make this easier to bear…to know that I’m getting something out of it other than a broken heart.

I know I’m not suppose to focus on him but I think I figured out something that may have been going on with him. His ex wife cheated on him. Since meeting her last weekend, I noticed we are a lot alike. I wonder if he cheated on me as a subconscious way of getting back at her. I dunno. Just something that crossed my mind when I was trying to figure out why a man who knows what it’s like to be cheated on would then turn around and cheat on someone. Boggles my mind.

A texted me last night that he couldn’t come over because his son was sick. I said I was sorry he was sick. He texted me again asking how was my day. I didn’t reply. His next text said “call me or text me if you want. I’ll quit bothering you. Good nite.” I haven’t replied. I feel angry that he wants ME to text him. WTF? I feel rage. I want a man who would move heaven and earth to be with me. I don’t want someone who is willing to just let me go without even trying. I feel resistance to believe that this is his way of walking away. I feel amused and angry at myself for even saying that… him sleeping with another woman was him walking away. I forgive myself for not knowing. I forgive myself for trusting him. No. I feel glad that I’m still able to trust even after all of my past experiences. I feel hopeful that I can learn from my past and move on rather than relive the same experience over and over again.

As for me, I’ve got my profile back up on a few dating sites. I’m ripping off the bandaid and just putting myself out there. ~SS

I am sorry to hear about what happened. I don’t even really know what to say. I feel that everybody else covered it here but I wanted to reach out to you myself to let you know that you are on my mind and I hope things work out for you