Watching a Tony Robbins video – http://getrmt.com/mieke.html I asked myself “What is the biggest “story” I tell myself in my life?”
I picked a few situations I thought were possible, and then drilled down to: I don’t want to hear what you have to say…I feel resistance…ooooo…you’re asking something of me…no…I instinctively get in gear to have to DO something, now! I have to DO something to…be better, stronger, smarter, happier…to please YOU…
I blame someone else, I blame myself – and
THAT’S a smokescreen!
I simply am trying to “figure” out what it is I need to do – why I didn’t do it, what you or my parents, or anyone else forgot to tell me so I’d know what to do, or made it hard for me to know what to do, or hard for me to do it.
And so I’m angry.
Angry that I have to do anything at all.
Angry that I can’t figure out what it is I need to do.
Angry at the effort and energy I put out figuring out what to do, doing so much, throwing everything at the wall hoping it will stick, making my life a vision board!
And so my entire relationship to anyone around me can be a constant power struggle.
Because I need to be loved and approved of, my mind will:
Try to categorize and prioritize who’s most important, who I need to please first, who I don’t have to please, whose anger or disappointment I’ll have to stem first, what hole I’ll have to plug first.
I run around stopping leaks, collecting the love I can, shutting myself down when it doesn’t appear that love is coming towards me.
I want to place – not just blame – but responsibility somewhere, anywhere else but on me – because I see and experience my responsibility as my responsibility to do what I have to do to please YOU! To do what I SHOULD be doing. To do what’s important to…I’m not sure who.
So, here I am, figuring out who’s important, what’s important, thinking of myself as an instrument, as a SERVANT.
And my pay isn’t money (though that serves as a feeling of accomplishment, and I’ll take that as proof you like me…) – it’s a smile, a nice word, a touch, a sense that you think I’m important. It’s appreciation. It’s attention.
So – are we all like this? All babies doing anything and everything for attention?
Like my dog, doing anything and everything for food? She’s now figured out how to play – how to LOOK like she’s playing, engage me in play – do what she HAS to do to get me to FEED her! To give her an extra snack.
Am I like my dog, just on a more “sophisticated” level (though I think it’s pretty sophisticated that my dog has figured out SO MUCH in order to get me to feed her (she’ll offer to go outside to pee a million times a day, when she doesn’t have to pee at all – to earn my goodwill and get an immediate reward of food).
Have I learned, just like my dog, what chords to play, what to say, what to do to get your love?
Have I even asked…“For what reason do I believe I don’t ALREADY have all the love I could ever need, require, want, desire?”
*Could it be my belief that it isn’t there already that’s blocking me from even SEEING the love that’s all around me, ready to come to me?
I see this with my clients. They believe they’ve tried everything for love. They’ve done Online Dating (and then I look at their profiles and see horrid, unflattering, fuzzy pictures with other men in them, I see profiles written like resumes, I see fields not even filled out.
I see bad haircuts, and no makeup, and clothes that hide figures.
I see tense bodies.
It gets me to notice my own tense body – a good practice, because, after all, there really is no one out there but me.
Who do I think I’m living this life for?
And that’s the question I ask myself today.
Do I believe that if I live my life in a way that focuses on my good feelings, health and happiness, without taking anyone else into account, and yet LOVING and Radically Accepting everyone and everything else around me – I’m somehow “doing it wrong”?
This is going to be a long series of essays, with Tools for healing, about how to turn this on its head.
Just the simple awareness – at every moment – of “Where am I coming from?” “For what reason am I thinking this or saying this or doing this?” is enough to dissolve the “doing” that blocks my experience of love.
Instead of believing I need to find it and get it – all I need do is allow it in.
What makes this so challenging for us all is EVIDENCE. The only evidence we have that anything works is our past experience, what we’ve been taught, our habits, what we believe to be true. It’s BECOME the truth so much, that letting go of this feels like death.
We have NO evidence to go forward into what is, to us, the complete UNKNOWN.
And, we can’t rely on our knowledge to help us make the unknown less scary, because that knowledge comes from the same place that got us stuck and kept us stuck for so long.
So, not only do we have to step into some Unknown, we have to do it with No Brain. No Information. No Knowledge. No Cheat Sheet. No Clue.
Wow. Talk about facing fear.
So – here’s what I want you to tell yourself: “I need do nothing.”
It doesn’t mean nothing will happen. Doesn’t mean love won’t show up big time. It just means – “I don’t have to know what to do, or flail around trying to figure out what to do – in order to MAKE it happen.”
It doesn’t MATTER “whose responsibility” something is. It doesn’t matter who made what happen, or who did what to who, or what happened to us. It doesn’t matter how hurt or tired, or afraid or angry we feel.
In so many ways, the world is an illusion – made up of our particular, single-sided view of the world. It is a made-up universe of our mental habits. It’s seen the way it’s seen, interpreted the way it’s interpreted, for so many reasons. Our past, our experiences, our internal system of cells, mitochondria, images, memories, brain synapses, neural pathways, and the collective unconscious we all feel.
If this is so – then what could I possibly figure out that would make you love me? OR – perhaps I could spend some time figuring out how to make YOU love me, and then not be able to figure out how to make HIM love me.
I’ve spent my life, then, trying to be loved – when, I could so much more easily believe I’m already loved, and that I don’t have to DO anything to “make that happen.”
Since we have no idea what the “truth” is – I choose to believe in what I’ve just made up here.
It feels good. I calm down. I relax. My body relaxes. I feel “home,” I feel “with me,” I feel connected to me and to the world. I don’t have to figure you out. I just have to let you love me – however it is you choose to do that.
Sometimes your love will match up with what feels good to me, and sometimes it won’t. And sometimes we can talk and work it out – because it’s a good match. And sometimes – it just isn’t. There’s too much work.
I believe in the work needed to create an environment of love. Of home. I do not believe in worrying about whether or not this has anything to do with your loving me.
I believe an environment of love and acceptance and attention can dissolve your blocks to love, and so you might find your love for me.
But those things are exactly what I’d do for myself – so I still don’t have to DO anything to make you love me.