What To Do About The Dreaded “Ex”…
I remember Bill. He was gorgeous (just the kind of looks that made me weak), his body felt like it fit mine perfectly, and he was still so involved with his ex-wife it was like she was joined to him at the hip.
Looking back – I instantly want to ask myself “What was I thinking?” But I always come up with an answer, too – I always know that I thought I was “beating” her. I thought I was “winning” him.
Nevermind that his life was littered with “friends” who were once girlfriends.
Nevermind that if the ex-wife needed ANYTHING (and she ALWAYS needed something) he was there in a flash.
Nevermind that he’d bring me places and forget to introduce me to his friends.
Nevermind that he never once referred to me as his “girlfriend.”
But I stayed with him – exclusively – for more than a year. Until another woman came along. And then I was no more than the “friend with benefits” I’d always been.
So how do you AVOID having it happen to you the way it did to me? (And I DID learn to never, ever let that happen to me again…)
First – never ever, and I mean NEVER become exclusive with a man unless you have EVERYTHING you want – the ring, the house, the wedding, the trip around the world – whatever it is that makes YOU feel like you have a great relationship that’s in the exact place you want it to be, AND you feel ABSOLUTELY SECURE inside that you are loved, cared for, and come FIRST in his life.
Alright – that’s a lot.
Most of us would think that’s extreme. And yet it’s the ONLY way to feel strong inside, keep your boundaries going, keep your own LIFE moving forward no matter WHAT your man does or says.
And yes – it IS possible to be fully involved with a man – emotionally, sexually, spiritually and in every other way – and STILL keep your options open until you have all those “commitment” things you want.
More about how to do this in future posts – for now – I want you to IMAGINE doing this.
IMAGINE what it would be like to always keep your options open until YOU feel FIRST in his life. Until the “ex” either disappears completely, or becomes simply the mother of his children and a friend of both of you in a way that feels GOOD to YOU.
Next we’ll work on the two parts of this “ex” thing – Boundaries so you NEVER feel resentful or angry about the situation, and Attraction so you can bring him closer without ANY effort.
Love, Rori
written by Rori Raye •
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1: Linda B
says:
Rori, This is my relationship. Except I have been with him for 4 years. The last 3 were 7/24 . We were to gether always after work. HIs x moved to another state.
last year. he helped her move . He claimed to be so happy to get her out of his hair. She called all the time
and he would never allow her to know I was next to him. This bothered me.. alot.. She has the same boyfriend for 19 years.. Did I tell you. my boyfriend and her were married for 1 year and divorced for 20 years.
They do have a son in colledge.. and that is the only
thing they talk about. Many times a day. I need your lessons and tools so much.. thank you !
Thursday, 18 September 2008 @ 6:02am
2: Rori Raye
says:
Linda – you don’t say if you have all that you want. I hear that you’re utterly committed – it sounds like you’re living together – and do you want marriage? Is he dragging his feet?
I don’t know what his emotional connection is with this “ex” other than the son – and only YOU know how you FEEL with him. If you feel like Number 1, if you feel loved, if you feel good with him – then all is well, regardless of this “other” woman.
Now is the time to grow the attraction between you and your man even more, so that his energy is coming towards you more, so you feel even more loved and secure. Take a look at the page about my Modern Siren program – there’s a lot of free information that will help you understand the “Emotional Road” to his heart. Love, Rori
Thursday, 18 September 2008 @ 12:42pm
3: KM
says:
What if the other woman is his mother, she hates you, and you know for a fact she talks bad about you and writes letters about how bad you are to her son about you? You are married, and this problem didn’t crop up until you had children, and your husband fought a bought of depression. She tries to exclude you, and since you and your husband aren’t in the best of places he is listening to her, and taking the kids down when you are busy. She comes over when she knows you won’t be home, and told your husband that you weren’t wanted at her birthday trip. It was just a fun family trip for them, not for you or the kids. The whole family, and now your husband included, has managed to make you feel like a doormat, and that you are no good.
Sunday, 16 November 2008 @ 2:38pm
4: Rori Raye
says:
KM – what’s going on with you and your husband? Did something happen? What triggered your mother-in-law’s fury? What triggered your husband’s depression? Why doesn’t she want to be with the kids on her birthday, even if she doesn’t want you?
Basically – if you can get your marriage back on track – loving, sexy and happy (even with your husband’s depressive tendencies) – he won’t listen to his mother, he’ll stick with you.
Don’t fight her or talk about her with your husband. Stay with your feelings and use the Tools to revitalize your marriage. There’s a lot of anger going on here (likely the cause of his depression) – use my Tools to bring it out into the open and use it to build a strong bond between you instead of driving you in different directions. If you’re fighting with him – STOP now. Love, Rori
Monday, 17 November 2008 @ 12:19pm
5: Helen
says:
Hi Rory!
I am just wondering how I keep my options open while I am involved with someone…. . I am very open and direct so if I am confronted, I would tell the truth. I don’t want him keeping his options open
Tuesday, 18 November 2008 @ 4:21pm
6: Rori Raye
says:
Helen, welcome, and I believe you’ll get a lot of help here from everyone. “Keeping your options open” and Circular Dating” are for YOU – and the HOW of how you do it depends on your situation – so please go ahead and let us know the details so we can help you. For instance, Reshi is married, and if you follow her comments, you’ll see how she uses this concept for herself…Love, Rori
Wednesday, 19 November 2008 @ 9:57am
7: Susan
says:
I am becoming involved with a man who still seems too attached to his ex. They own a house together and he is reluctant to sell it or buy her out, they want to keep it and rent it out. He has not told her about me because he doesnt want to upset her but it upsets me and feels like we have to hide from her. He says it would hurt her too much to know about me. He doesnt understand that it is hurting me. How do I show this without getting angry?
Friday, 24 July 2009 @ 4:53am
8: marya
says:
dear Rori
Do you think it helps to come with the marriage question when there are other women in his life and he gives them his attention?
I am so afraid to come with this question.What if we get marry and he continue to have e-mail contact and coffee meeting with exes?
I am so afraid to come with this commend,God
Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 11:09am
9: Rori Raye
says:
Marya, hi, and I wish I could help here, more. Is there a cultural basis for his behavior? I know of men who feel responsibility for women in their lives, even though they are no longer with them. It’s very, very difficult. I personally never would marry a man where putting our money together would damage my sense of control over my financial destiny. And – as you all know – I put my foot down about my man having lunch with any old girlfriend. Business meetings, I support. I don’t tolerate personal contact. Period. He knew that from day one, and that was the deal. He agreed to that when he married me, and I’ve never had a moment’s doubt about my personal issues and boundaries around that. So – follow YOUR feelings on this one…Love, rori
Saturday, 6 February 2010 @ 5:11pm