“Rori, Am I allowed to say “I Love You” to him, or does that put pressure on him?
I’ve been struggling with this for almost a year now, especially after having sex. That is the time when
I most want to say ILY. I did say it once, about 8 months ago, and he shyly responded “me too”.
It just feels sooooo strange to not say it, especially after our intimiate time together. How can I respect his desire to take it slow and still get my needs met? I’m afraid to say it, because if he doesn’t say it back, it will hurt so much.
Here’s my answer:
The “problem” is not about saying I love you. A woman who feels like a Rock Star Free Spirit can say and do anything.
The problem comes with wanting to hear I love you back.
So – now we’re into Giving to Get.
We’re saying ILY in hopes of jogging him to say it back.
It’s not a genuine, freely given, spontaneous ILY…it has strings attached.
And that’s where the problem is.
So – can you work within yourself to be able to say I love you freely? Without strings? Without pressure? Without the “vibe” of wanting to hear it back?
Pretty hard, isn’t it. Challenging – to say the least. Just forming the words brings up fear – even after 20 years of marriage.
Fear that he won’t say it back…he’ll say “I know,” or nod his head or say “Thank you” or “That feels good.”
Fear that rejection of some kind and a slap in the face await you the moment you open your mouth and say those three words.
If, in a moment of passion, you feel it, and you don’t give a flying fig if he says it back, then blurt it out! Blurting is a sensational thing to do at almost all times!
And if you just can’t – if it feels wrong, if you sense that you want him to say it back, you just want to get that ILY ball rolling…
…how about this?:
“Hi, I have a problem, and I need your help. I want to tell you I love you. I want to say it, and I can feel myself holding back because I’m afraid I’ll push some buttons in you because – honestly, truly, being totally honest with you and myself – even more than wanting to say I love you, I want to hear YOU say i love you to me…and it’s just a scary thing to even think of saying. So…It doesn’t feel good to hint around or say I love you hoping you’ll say it back..so this is sort of un-romantic, but I just want to tell you I love you, and yes, I wish I could hear it back, but that’s not why I want to say it…so I’m going to say it and then walk away, so that I can feel good about not having any expectations…”
Then you say...”I love you” and smile, and turn around and walk away!
You say exactly what you feel. No confusion, no hinting, and no standing around waiting for a reaction.
After you blurt out “I love you” – you can even say,
“Now I’m feeling confused, so I’m going to walk away, and it’s not because I don’t want to be here with you, I just don’t want to feel like I’m expecting some kind of answer, because I’m not. I just love you.”
And then you smile and walk away.
To see how this works on YOU…try it in your living room.
Imagine your man standing in front of you, and try the Speech.
See how you feel.
You might laugh.
When you actually deliver the speech, he might laugh, too…
Let me know how this feels…