No one is worse than I at this.
If there’s a misunderstanding, I want to help everyone understand.
If something isn’t clear – I want to clear it up.
If people look puzzled, I want to explain.
If someone is explaining something to my man and he doesn’t understand – I want to explain it.
And if I open my mouth, I’m shooting myself in the foot.
What’s the answer here?
This has nothing to do with your man, with clarity, with being a good partner – it just has to do with OUR need to explain and fix everything.
It’s our overwhelming need to make people “get it” – even if it means showing them that they’re stupid, infantile, immature, and dense at the same time.
It’s about as far away from “geisha” as you can get -
And yet – would you really do that in the boardroom?
I mean – if the team leader wasn’t “getting it” – would you “help” him – or her?
If the president came to your office meeting and someone was explaining something to him – badly – would you “step in”?
If you did that – likely – it wouldn’t work out well for you.
It reminds me of something that happened in elementary school.
We were playing a kind of team basketball, but with no baskets – so it was like football, but with a big playground ball – sort of “keep away” on a team level – only I had no idea how to be on a team.
To me – if someone’s screwing up – I’m there to take over.
I’m the fix-it gal.
I instinctively wanted to take the ball from our weakest team member (and I wasn’t all that strong myself!) and take it to the goal.
I WANTED to.
(I actually DID do that once, and I created a situation in which I felt even MORE out-of-place and not-liked than I already felt.)
I actually live with that memory – and it helps me to forgive myself and not beat myself up – and it also helps me to remember so I don’t do that again.
Because, believe me – I want to take that ball from my husband and run with it.
I WANT to explain, clear up, fix – all of it.
And, I have learned to keep my mouth shut.
The moment I catch myself (or my husband catches me) starting to step in – I stop instantly, apologize, and take myself out of the room. I go do something for myself. I write.
Try it – when you feel like explaining, or clarifying, or fixing, or doing it and saving someone else the trouble, or making sure they don’t go in the wrong direction, or correcting anyone – take a step back.
Put your hand over your mouth.
Let the other person get it done (or not…) and see what happens.
Let your man walk in his own direction.
See what happens.
Notice what’s going on with you, inside you, while this is happening, and see if you can monitor your anxiety.
Breathe into your belly.
Surrender into your pelvis.
Be a flower and just enjoy the air.
Let me know how that feels!