Why Does A Man Treat You Badly

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Here’s a question from Maria that I want to jump off of (I edited it a bit) …

“l have a question, too and it may sound as stupid as it is simple. When a man treats you bad is it HIM or ME? Meaning – was he born with (or been given) a natural ability to treat others bad or am l just a very low standard girl? Maria”

Here’s my answer:

Maria – men treat women badly for lots of reasons. They’re angry and don’t know how to deal with it…they’re afraid…but it DOESN’T MATTER.

If you ALLOW a man to treat you badly (assuming you’re not in a traumatic, helpless situation) – and this means ANY way that doesn’t feel GOOD and nourishing to you…then you must take responsibility for it.

There are lots of old sayings about this… most of them are about blame and shame and fault – and I’d like to stay away from all that.

We’re all here learning. We’re all feeling our way through our lives, doing the best we can, experiencing being triggered all the time and feeling the pressure of our old habits and traumas and fears. There’s just no point in assigning “blame.”

It’s all about responsibility, and owning your experiences, owning your feelings, and being watchful that you are in good-feeling places as much as you can. Trying to “analyze” a man so you can “understand” him often leads to making excuses for him and does you no good…

There’s a song lyric:

“Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly…and I love you madly…you really have a hold on me…”

When I think back on my love life – how this was me so much of my life – that I had no idea that a man I liked would truly want me – that the world was divided into men who wanted me that I didn’t want and men I wanted who didn’t want me (or only wanted me for now) – I see how this PAIN of love has been drilled into us.

We were all raised on Torch songs. We were all raised on hopeless romance.

We were all raised to not RECOGNIZE bad treatment. To make excuses for it. To find underlying, psychological reasons for it. To blame OURSELVES for it – as though we provoked it (like so much you can read about what people think about Rhianna and Chris Brown – that she somehow is responsible for what happened to her by “provoking” him).

As a crisis counselor helping rape survivors – it was just heartbreaking to see (and experience) the self-blame and self-torture women who’d been abused and been at the receiving end of violence took on themselves (ourselves).

We think things are our FAULT. And they’re not. There is no “fault.” Sometimes you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time – and sometimes the lesson (because you have to see EVERYTHING as a lesson in order to transform awful-feeling experiences into better-feeling one next time) – is to take better care of ourselves.

The most major reason why we try to assign “fault” and “blame” is our need for CONTROL and MASTERY. When we’re in a situation that feels bad but we feel paralyzed and trapped and unable to move – the only way we can “compute” this in our brains is to say “It’s all my fault.” At least, then, we have some kind of answer.

But it’s NOT the answer.

This is subtle, I know – talking about owning and responsibility as DIFFERENT from fault and blame – but i want you to really GET the difference here, because it’s actually HUGE.

So – if a man is treating you badly – In a “minor’ way by not being present when he’s with you, or not calling, or not following up, or forgetting things, or paying too much attention to other women in the room, so many other ways men distance themselves, or test us, or simply display their decision to not care about us properly…or in a “major” way with insults, neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse and cheating…then instead of looking for “fault” or “blame” – just ask yourself:

“Why am I here?”

Just make this your simple process:

1. Experience – actually, truly, totally experience how YOU feel about YOURSELF when you’re with a man.

2. If it doesn’t feel good – notice it. Write about it. Speak it out loud to yourself – until you can put it together in words to speak it directly to him: “This doesn’t feel good.”

3. Practice speaking this truth all the time – whenever things don’t feel good. This is NOT about whether or not he takes out the garbage or calls you often enough to suit you. This is not about his behavior. Not about what he does or doesn’t do. This is NOT about making a man WRONG. This is not about making YOURSELF “wrong.”

This is simply about learning to quickly and honestly answer for yourself the question – “Why am I here?”

When you can answer that for yourself no matter what’s going on – then you’ll get this whole, huge area we call “Boundaries.”

Sometimes we are “here” because it’s what we’re used to. Sometimes it’s what we “think” is right. sometimes it’s what we were taught. Sometimes we feel “compelled” to be here because of a strong chemical pull to a man, or because we’re afraid to be alone.

It doesn’t matter what the answer is as much as how deeply we’re wiling to be honest with ourselves and tell the TRUTH.

I know many women, and have worked with many clients who KNOW they are trapping themselves in a bad-feeling situation, and yet simply will not move away from that situation. But, even though they’re not moving away from the bad-feeling situation and putting themselves into places where they have a better chance of experiencing good feelings – they are taking the baby-steps of answering the question – “Why am I here?” and really, really – as painful as it is – hearing the answer.

In the end – it’s our choice, what we DO with the information we HAVE. And the only information we have is about OURSELVES.

So – if you are “here” – and it doesn’t feel good – that’s where we start.

Love, Rori

written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 12:40pm

1: Daria says:

Ok… I just read a Rori suggestion to not try to Get Over the man just move on wiht the memories with you and Circular Date… (basically like the back of the horse maybe).

BUt I FEEL TAINTED BY MY OLD RELATIONSHIP. I feel like I’m damaged or forever not free or not good enough because I’m still “in love” with this guy. I feel like as long as I have feelings for him I won’t be able to have feelings for another guy to that degree…

I have tried dating other men, and getting close to them, but have never felt as much wanting as for this man… I feel tense under my chin right now… I love the tenseness under my chin… that feels like release…

I didn’t do a good job with the horse thing becuase I feel burdened and tainted. I Feel no man will want to get on my horse or claim me when I have another man on my horse.

hmmmmmm… I also have problems flirting with or interacting with other men ( I feel afraid, guilty, judged, weird) when I’m out with a man. I even DON;t LOOK at other men out of “politeness” even when the other men are WAY more attractive to me than the man I’m with. I want to free myself… Ifeel really pulled into this computer right now… IF eel tense in my jaw… I feel like I’m fighting and running… I love my feelings… I love this feeling of mega intensity… hmm… interesting… It feels like getting ready to take an exam… I love this tightness in my head and that I want to wiggle my foot to release some of the intensity… whoa intesity.. I love my intensity…

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 1:08pm

2: Daria says:

oh and by the way…

FIRST POST!!!

lol

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 1:12pm

3: Mercedes says:

Dang Rori! You hit the nail on the head with this one! It feels so good to read this…like it’s confirming what I believe in with all my heart. How someone else treats us or why they do it doesn’t matter. What matters is that it doesn’t feel good to us and we’re responsible for our own happiness. We are responsible for both letting him know we’re not putting up with it and and for walking away and feeling what we feel then moving on to a place where we can be happy. Right? Wrong? It doesn’t matter…all that matters is how it makes us feel and what we’re doing about feeling that way.

I agree totally that it’s not our fault when someone else treats us badly…but we do need to take that responsibility for ourselves, draw our boundaries and move on to what really does feel good.

I too have counseled countless sexual assult victims (who are or are on their way to becoming suvivors and losing that “victim” label) and you’re so right. We women want to blame ourselves and change ourselves and do whatever we can to make it better when in reality, it isn’t our fault and we need to find a better place for us. And you’re right too…asking that question “why am I here?” and HONESTLY answering it. If we can answer that question honestly and we’re satisfied with the answer, we’re going to be just fine. Unfortunately, the answer needs to be more than “because I love him” (I’ve heard that soooo many times)…we need to go deeper. “Why do I love him?” “What do I LIKE about him?” “Is this love MINE or OURS?” “Is that enough for me?” “How does that make me feel?”

Abusive people will be abusive people. Only THEY can change that about THEMSELVES. We can only control our actions and our boundaries and we can only do what it takes to get OURSELVES to a better place. Core traits (good and bad) can only be changed by the holder…not by an outside force.

This was really, really good and right. I hope EVERYONE reads it!!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 1:41pm

4: Mercedes says:

Oh…and you have a much better way of explaining all of this than I do. You sound so feminine…I sound so gung-ho…demanding…forceful and maybe a little too passionate with a little less empathy….you’re really good at this!

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 2:03pm

5: alias girl says:

I FEEL FURIOUS !!!!(to borrow daria’s new phrase with her fam) but i’m not kidding. I FEEL FURIOUS! omg. Rrg. rrrrg. blah. i feel like throwing up. i feel angry. wtf. i feel tired of feeling angry. wtf. wtf. wtf.

yesterday i was highly amused at ex #1. well the laughing has stopped and i feel FURIOUS. although now it just laughed. wtf. ok i feel crazy. i feel furious with my job. i feel furious with the fact that i will die someday or someone i love may die. i’m not kidding. i seriously feel FURIOUS RIGHT NOW ABOUT THESE THINGS. arrrrgggggggggggg. i feel a ball of energy in my chest that is telling me to FIGHT AND FIGHT HARD. FIGHT TO THE DEATH. argh. wtf am i supposed to do with this as i sit like a jolly worker in my cubicle. are you kidding me?

I am just looking for targets. this has nothing to do with my imaginary relationship with ex#1 that I AM NOT EVEN SURE I WOULD TRULY WANT TO HAVE AS MY OWN. !

Arg. but i do. but i don’t. but i do. but i don’t. but this that and the other thing is wrong with him. but this that and the other thing is great about him.

i feel like throwing up. i feel like the most powerful person on this planet. oooh this is good. wow. this feels waaaaayyyyyy better than being tired and apathetic. hah the bright side. the silver lining of rage. i love me. i love ex#1. i love that i get all riled up and thaat i can’t control him.argh.

ugh. i feel like throwing up. and emily vanhorn my trapped energy therapist would then ask-

what does that energy want to do. be curious about it.

the energy wants to shoot up and oyut the top of my head and down and out my bootyhole (thansk daria) and also flood my whole body on the way out. argh. wow. argh. rrrrrruffffffff. i am a firece wolf. rrrrrrrrrr. damn. that reminds me of ex#3. who i also still love. i feel like ahandknit sweater unraveling. i feel amused. ah that felt like relief from the energy shooting out of me like a busted

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 2:18pm

6: alias girl says:

fire hydrant.

i like the drama. ugh. but it feels painful. my needs for love and stability and petting and kindness and romance are getting met. can’t i have both? i thought this was have the relationship you want. i want light on the drama, heavy on the romance.

i feel sad. but i feel better. but my jaw is still clamped. ah but the fire hydrant has stopped thank god. all my frogs disappeared too from my online. so now i have no one. is ok though. i feel relieved to know maybe the frog phase is over.

ppsssssssssshhhhheeeeewwwww i feel like being held. i can hug myself. i love myself and my creating drama and my firhydrant rage and picking outside blaming targets for inside feelings i already have. i love myself. rrggh.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 2:23pm

7: alias girl says:

are NOT getting met. typo iin my last comment. my needs for LOVE PETTING KINDNESS ROMANCE STABILITY GOOD SEX AND ADORATION AND SAFETY ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT GETTING MET.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 2:26pm

8: alias girl says:

so i just took a break and left the office and went and touched four trees and then one big one i stood by for awhile with my hand on his trunk.

i feel very Julia Butterfly but i feel good. calm. better. goddessy. siren-ey. desirable. high quality. calm. sensual. connected. relaxed. i actually wanted to hug the tree but i’m right by my work and don’t want reputation of crazy tree hugger. i feel serene. thank you rori for mentioning touching things in the other posts comment section. i don’t need to Get Over anything. two exes have climbed back onto my horse. good for them i like them there for now. it’s a lot of dead weight but for this second is ok.

phew. i feel so relieved and cared for. little alias girl says thank you big alias girl.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 3:36pm

9: Ann says:

I feel relieved that I went back and re-read the comments. I read wrong at first so even tho I felt majorly triggered I took responsibility and went back and re-read and realized the statement wasn’t written the way I first read it.

Even tho this was a tough post to read, It was a good post. Thanks Rori for reminding me as a adult I’m responsible for me. I’m always thankful for the reminders to focus on myself and how things feel to me.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 4:09pm

10: Deena says:

I just found your site a couple of weeks ago and have been reading everything I can until the program I ordered arrives.

Women do seemed to be blamed for just about anything when it comes to men and children.

I have a boyfriend; yeah I’m stuck in the girlfriend trap.

We’ve been together over 4 years. He has been taking me for granted lately and been neglectful. The pattern was we’d have a great time on the weekend and then I wouldn’t hear a peep from him all week until Friday or Saturday even.

Sure if I made the effort, he was receptive.

The week before last I sent one text each day to which he never replied nor did he call me.

It dawned on me that heck, I’m alone 5 days of the week as it is, I might as well be alone the other 2; so I leaned way way back.

He waited until late Sat night to call me. I didn’t answer. He called every day for a week. I didn’t answer.

I was busy doing some self-help things, crafts, and reading your blog.

Finally I pick up when he called and he said, “you sure are hard to get a hold of! I called every day.”

I nearly chuckled inside. He repeatedly ignored me all the time and now he manages to call me every single day! Clearly he is quite capable of calling me but he was just choosing not to do it!

So anyway I went over and he was so attentive and apologized to me and said he would make more effort. I did mention that I really wanted a 7 day a week relationship; not a part time one. I mentioned the living together again…sigh…He had the same excuse.

He hasn’t lived on his own long enough and liked living alone. He’s been living alone the same amount of time I have; 3 years.

Rori, this is what I want to do. I DO want to start dating others! I feel trapped in this! He doesn’t want to live together or marry and with this exclusive gig, I don’t have any chance to meet someone else so….

how do I tell someone I have been seeing for 4 years I want to date other people?

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 4:14pm

11: Dorothea says:

I had a really shitty feeling day but it feels great to come here and be “around” other women who are interested in self-improvement, authenticity, and happiness.

My shit day is affecting me differently than they used to. It has been a while and this one feels different. It doesn’t feel like anything. I can’t decide if my thoughts or my feelings are the ones who know I’m having a bad day. I feel numb. I feel numb and crappy about it. I feel like I am really hungry but in the heart area. I feel like I need to eat something delicious to fill up the void of disappointment generated by this shitty day…something delicious like sleep. I had to pull an all nighter last night and havent slept in a couple days, and now I am home with a little extra time to sleep but can’t manage to get to dreamland. Oh, balls!

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 5:12pm

12: Ann says:

Rori,

This is off topic to this post but I wanted to share with you. I read and just re-read today’s newletter. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your Be his Honey tool, I just call it my honey tool.

I’ve been sitting here imagining being honey all sticky, gooey, soft, flowing, golden honey. I feel the honey flowing all threw me it feels awesome.

I love the thought of flowing and glistening and sparkling with vibrant, nurturing, healing energy – for myself and for any man who comes near.

Gives me chills thinking about it

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 5:59pm

13: Erika says:

Yeah, it feels a little sad, but I just removed myself from a not feel good situation. I care about the guy a lot, but it doesn’t matter. The situation felt wishy-washy, and wishy-washy doesn’t feel good to me anymore. So I removed myself.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 6:21pm

14: C says:

Hi ladies, I feel so un-alone just reading your posts. Daria I feel completely in tune with what you are saying. Sometimes I feel confused because I don’t know if I’m feeling triggered or because the man is bad for me. I just know that the more delicious things feel between us the more I feel moments of being burdened and tainted. Exactly like you said.
I have made alot of progress and feel amazed that I can feel these things now. Last night I laid in bed feeling tight and sick in my stomach throat and chest and actually got a fever this morning from feeling so stressed. Earlier my guy and I were at the supermarket and I did something that made me feel really unapproved and when I saw him shaking his head at me I felt angry and sub-par and scared like I was going to be hit (definitely triggered because he has never hit me).
And I felt so frozen I felt unable to speak in feeling messages until that night we were in bed and said ” I feel really stressed”. What happened next was hearing words that felt like I was at fault for everything, and getting told that things were in my head. I expressed that I felt like there was an invisible list and script that I wasn’t following, and I felt that I was failing to meet some impossible standard.
He shared that he felt like he was tip-toeing around me all the time because I was so miserable.
I felt shocked to hear that becuase he has been treating me so wonderfully on a consistent basis.
However I feel like I’m expected to be a perfect wife and lover without the ring and engagement. which I have said that I would like before I feel comfortable moving in.
I spend at least 5 days a week at his home because I feel paranoid that the moment I turn my back, even when I turn around and pour much needed energy into my PhD, I feel guilty like I have abandoned him.
A few months ago I made the choice to continue being with him even though he had continuosly cheated on me on dating sites (stating that he was looking for a serious relationship) and he has cheated on me with someone before. I decided only after I double checked the lines I have drawn and said that he needed to get his depression (he has been depressed for a few years and exacerbated from 2 years for broken foot/foot surgeries/ unable to work/ family problems.) in check and I only want to be with someone who wants the same things.
I am seeing now that he is probably uncapable. And I have put myself in a place where I’m still feeling extremely traumatised by being cheated on and I got night terrors and sleeping problems directly from all the cheating.
I always shared what I was feeling and sometimes I felt myself leaning forward more than I like.
He has done so many things for me consistently and yet it is starting to feel like they are favours I can’t afford to repay.
I feel like the generous part of me is blocked from feeling like a freebie to my previous exes.
So at this point I don’t know if I’m unble to meet his needs or he is or both. probably a case of like attracts like. I really don’t want to wake up one day and feel like I’ve been abandoned because I stayed with him through his depression and he’s feeling better so doesn’t need me or feel low self esteem so reject me; neither do I want to abandon ship entirely.
Although I feel ill thinking about out time together as 1 year 3 months imaginary and 4 months real.
I feel like I have failed at the “decide to forgive him and not punish him” part of the deal when getting back with someone who has cheated on you before.

This morning I sent him a massive text message. here it is:

“Hi babe, you are absolutely right. Things feel awful.
The one thing I know and feel strongly in my heart is that no matter how wonderful the person we’re with is, we can only feel happy with someone when we feel happy and at peace with ourselves.
I feel happy when I feel all good and bad parts of me feel accepted.
I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve depended on you to make me happy.
And I feel pressure to be a perfect source of happiness.
On T.V and the movies we’re sold the idea that only good feelings are good.
I feel grateful that I feel both good and bad. Only when I let myself feel good and bad can I feel this deep peace and love.
I feel grateful for everything you’ve done. You have been a light (NOTE to readers: NOT ‘THE’ light) at the end of the tunnels I’ve found myself in.
I really want to be in a relationship where my partner and I feel at peace with ourselves and each other.
You have been feeling like you’re alone and no support and everyone around you is not what you need. And even though you’ve been feeling all that you still are wonderful to me and I feel lucky.
And I love you and care for you.
And I’ve been where you’ve been and I can see you’re there.
And thank you for pointing out that I seem miserable.
Lately I feel like I’m sliding back into feeling unhappy alot. I don’t want us to bring each other down.
I want to feel happy and I can only feel happy and beautiful when I feel that everything about be is acceptable.
And I want us to move forward.
I will only feel happy with us if both of us are happy.
IT is not your fault what you’ve had to go through.
And there are thing s you and I can do so we can feel better.
I have learnt that blaming others and burying and ignoring will only build up and blow up.
I have printed out information about depression.
It is under …………on the kitchen bench.
Please read it and anything you want to do is up to you.
Sometimes it’s just in our head. Sometimes there’s more going on and must be treated like a flu or broken bone: with T.L.C and medicine and even therapy.
If you decide to try anything I will only feel admiration and faith and love for you.”

So I have not heard from him and I’m due to go back to his place as he’s organizing dinner for his mum’s birthday tonight.

I feel pretty comfortable. That tight hard sick feeling from last night is gone. I just feel a little queasy in my stomach.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 6:43pm

15: Rori Raye says:

Deena – Welcome and Brava to you for getting hip to your situation. You don’t have to tell him anything. Yep. What exactly is his rightful “hold” on you that you can’t go out and have coffee, tea, lunch, or a walk with another man? Actually – none.

Do the first baby step on this blog – Make Friends. Start there and see what happens. See if you can actually give out your email address or phone number if a man who seems “pleasant” asks you. Then deal with what to do when he follows up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going for lunch or a walk. By that point, you’ll have my program and you’ll have a speech ready that will work. Go for it! Just taking baby steps will transform YOU – and that’s what counts. Love, Rori

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 7:29pm

16: Deena says:

Hi Rori,

Thank you for your warm welcome and help! I hope it doesn’t take too long to get to Australia.

I want to put up a dating profile. Is it ok to do this?

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 8:51pm

17: alias girl says:

guess what ! gues what guess what guess what!!!? i met a nice cute unfroggy boy at my new hobbie! hah! and he asked for my email. then he gave me his numer later into the conversation. then i accidentally gave him my number right after he did that. which was leaning forward. then he texted me before i got home and said we should do something. and i texted back and said i felt excited about that. then he texted back a wink and i didn’t respond bc i didn’t feel there was anytthing to respond to with that.

i’m on a NEW TREND. a good man trend. yae yae yae! i am still willing to date frogs and i’m not going to laser focus him i just feel like yae! and he seems good. yae! i am still dating circular dating. yae.

Targeting Mr Right y’all.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 9:37pm

18: Maria says:

Thank you Rori for the post, and lm glad you took this into the limelight and lm also glad that it has touched so many women. That is very important for us.
l feel little by little warmer, cared and welcomed.
l want to share with you something very precious that touched me deeply yesterday. It seemed like an angelic touch from Universe. What happened was that one of my clients came, as l have arranged few details for him. He was very polite and charming and after l have given him his final papers, he gave me an envelope, saying: “This is for you.”l was really surprised, cos l did not expect anything like that, so l asked what was it. He said, “it is ok, nothing much.” l assumed it was either postcard from his country but he did not want me to open it in front of my colleagues. So after he left, l opened it, and l found one of the most tender and polite letters written by a man ever. He also thanked me for my work and asked to be in touch whenever lm visiting his country. He had learned few bits from my mother language, which was very impressive and which he had put on the paper as well.
l will remember this. Not that l ever plan to do something about it, but l was very touched on the inside.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 9:57pm

19: alias girl says:

and i feel so happy too because ex #1 still hasn’t gotten back to me and this is after blahblahblah the saga. BUT in the past i would have kicked him out of my life again bc i would have been triggered by pain and fury (as you witnessed earlier in the day) BUT i forced my self not to do that just so i could have that quick jolt of relief by fleeing. so yae! i am actually learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings when a man i love does something i dislike. this may not seem like progress but this is huge. i always kick people out of my life bc i feel triggered by their behavior and i just wan to immediately stop the pain. hence a very empty life. but yae! i felt my feelings and chose my behavior and response and did not just REACT out of being triggered.

i feel compassion for you erika. he is a messenger somehow and you took care of yourself. i feel good to read that.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 9:59pm

20: alias girl says:

ooooh maria i feel sweetness and that really touched feeling inside. like a lightness and fluttering of sparkles. thank you for sharing that. that is so sweet and thoughtful. oh my goodness.

C i felt a little overwhelmed reading that text. and i am female and not in relationship with you. sounds a little like a power speech. i feel a lot to digest at once. i feel bad saying that. i don’t want to criticize or discourage. i don’t want what i say to be unhelpful. i feel an urge to be helpful AND gentle.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 10:04pm

21: Maria says:

Well, thanks Ag, what l felt was that this kind of treatemnt l will take as an example of how it should be. Like a radar.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 10:37pm

22: ABC says:

This works.

i’ve actually started doing this couple weeks back and Rori just helped putting the words together in words.

it really helps being in my “feelings” instead of my “head” especially when it comes to men.

i’ve started feeling rejected around some men and stepped way back once i recognized how i felt, and right after i stepped back, i instantly felt better. i guess it took too much effort on my part, and i started to get angry, but once i stop the effort, i felt relieved that i actually caught myself feeling bad–which i was never able to do in the past.

this is one of the best posts Rori wrote.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 11:23pm

23: alias girl says:

daria i was thinkinh about what you wrote about no man wanting you bc you have a man on your horse. i feel weird twitching in my shoulders. but i feel yes weird shoulder thing. ok. i feel uncertain but maybe a guy who really wanted you would elbow the other guy out or push the other guy off.

when i met ex#1 i still had ex#3 on my horse. just pining pining away for him i though i would NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER meet another guy i liked as much as ex#3. i though i would just have to settle for something less and be lucky i had the experience i did with #3 but it was over.

but ex #1 totally knocked ex#3 out of the picture (psychologically). and ex #2 came along and i would have been happy to be with him although he never actually was my #1. for maybe a tiny second. a few glimmering moments when he really came through as a good man.

anway boys sense things. if theyw ant to win you they will become your #1.

i feel so shakey. wtf. my whole body feels like cold poodle dog. weird.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009 @ 11:30pm

24: Linmayu says:

The following men are rated higher than me on hotornot.com:

http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=RRKSNME-KJV
http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=KMGLSUNS-FDS
http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=KMNRBYBE-XMN

I feel like I’m living in bizarro world. Are these guys actually really hot and I just can’t see it? Are people just lying when they tell me I’m pretty? Every guy on the site is rated 7 or higher even if he is heinous. Also, guys I find absolutely adorable are for the most part 7s and 8s whereas plenty that I don’t care for are 9something.

I believe the only conclusion I can draw is that the ratings on this site mean about as much as if they were randomly picked from a hat. I mean, I know I’m prettier than those 3 guys.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 12:21am

25: Mercedes says:

Rori made a comment one time (I think to her current husband?? I remember it from an eletter). It went something like this (not an exact quote I’m sure):

“I understand you’re not ready for this right now and that’s okay. You need to wait until you’re ready…but you can’t have me all to yourself while you wait.”

I LOVE that!! Used something very similar once because I was so tired of my on again, off again, on again, off again relationship. I started dating other men and my man got ready to commit pretty damn fast.

I’m not saying use the line to make him commit. I’m saying I refused to wait around anymore. I was ready, he wasn’t, I still wanted to date him, but I REALLY needed to be dating other men to see if a man and I could be “ready” at the same time. Just so happens that in my situation, my man was a lot more “ready” than he thought he was.

I enjoyed the company of other men. Mine wanted me so much but was so torn between freedom and me that he needed time. I needed a relationship. Time moved quickly for him when my Friday nights were booked so he had to call by Tuesday to catch me when I was free.

Anyway…those words will stick with me forever. They are so strong and confident. They really say “I love you and I want to be with you, but this isn’t enough for me…and I have boundaries.”

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 4:52am

26: Linmayu says:

Rori, I left a comment last night that I regret, I think it is still under moderation. can you delete it? Thanks.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 8:31am

27: DocK says:

Hi Beautiful Ones

I don’t have anything to say regarding relationships at the moment or a response that is clearly linked to recent posts.

I guess I have just seen some stuff lately about people having physical or situational challenges and I am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude so wanted to share that.

I feel so strong and free because I breathe easily when some people struggle just to do that and my body is healthy and I have all of my limbs and use of my senses and I feel supported in doing everything I love to do: dance, work out, play, make love, sing (badly), read, smell flowers and aromas, hear music, taste food, act crazy and silly and run around like a maniac, learn, explore, and grow.

I am able to do all of this without struggle and I am free and happy. I don’t know, maybe it does have something to do with relationships after all, when I am feeling insecure and stories starting, I’m learning to just breath and feel gratitude for something.

I feel so much gratitude to all of you – that you are here and I hear you and admire you and feel with you through your posts. Thank you.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 8:33am

28: c says:

Hi aliasgirl thank you for responding and you are right because i was feeling extremely overwhelmed when i wrote all that it felt like a giant outpouring. it feels like a giant meal to digest and i realise now, on a new day and on a new page, that it almost felt like i was starting to use him as my happiness ladder instead of my own.
Anyhow, I am still learning, and I feel amazed that I can even feel anything nowadays,as I could not before. I don’t want to put myself down, even though sometimes things feel like they are my fault and i feel distressed coming to terms with it.
I practiced bridging and feel like i have done right by myself for visiting the pits. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by myself and think that i am too mercurial and tempestous. then i feel a lid come on and it feels heavy!
Right now I feel calmer and after every storm i feel a little further along.
I’m dont want to dissect every single nuance and moment and word in my head, and i am learning to love my ability to see multiple points of view at once.
Last night at his family dinner I paid attention to my feelings and acknowledged them to myself and practiced listening at level 2 and it felt good. it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes.
And I feel grateful to be here.

Well alias girl, i feel admiration for your circular dating so YOU GO GIRLFRIEND wooohooooo

the time might come for my marriage power speech….and right now i am learning that i’ve been pushing him away all along because i’ve been fee;ling scared and at the same time, becasue i’ve been practicing tools, no matter what happens it always ends up feeling good. i feel very proud of myself that i have boundaries that feel like a cosy coccoon and i feel safer and safer letting myself go with the ebb and flow and feeling anything.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 4:11pm

29: Linda says:

Why do men treat us badly. Do we let them? Sheesh
I barely got over the love of my life. At first he treated me great and then at the end so disrespectfully and I let it go on… so I learned not to go there again.

After what seemed forever I started to circular date. I am having a time with it actually. GOod and bad. The good it it does build up your innerself if you are liked.. If you aren’t and you dont care it makes you feel like superman(woman) lol the the rejection just bounces off. I needed that. There was one that was so smitten with me he groced me out but was a really nice guy… but I just had nothing for him, had to let that go…. and then…
I met someone I liked before we actually met. He and I talked thru email for a month and then on the phone for a bit. We took the plunge so to speak and met for dinner. OMGosh… wow. Not just on my end either… he was forward.. pursuing me, actually asked me what I was doing the rest of my life… etc….I was leaned back following and lapping it all up. Just when I decided to accept his advances he grew cold. And he stopped talking to me within 24 hours of asking me to be his “girlfriend” ! I thought what? not again? being ignored like my last heartbreak!… Why do men do this? After 24 hours and a couple of text messages I sent, he wrote me an email..sharing all this stuff about his true life. Married 3 times not 2, financial problems, impending car repo..suffering from low self esteem, depression most his life, that he was much more trouble than he is worth and I should run…. well, I considered it all and accepted him just as he was because he knew he had baggage and issues and was teachable and seemed that he wanted to get free of them..and because I believe a man is not defined by his circumstances… Now, The clincher in all this is.. while he said he did not feel a sexual attraction to me when we kissed, there was much more that he was attracted to and found very wonderful about me….followed by he had been in several relationships that were not pure and sexually driven that all ended quite badly! He led me to believe that he was done with that type of decision making. I let his lack of attraction in that area ride because I think and have experienced great passion out of connection (which we definately had between us) I really did not get a spark when we kissed either but it was a very enjoyable thing with him. I believe that things like that grow and happen when there is more than your lips engaged between you.. like your heart and liking the person genuinely.

Well we spent more time together, but I noticed he was on line still, so I knew “girlfriend” did not mean ‘exclusive” with him that bothered me because my last relationship he was talking to other women most the time we together and I did not know it. So…I kept that noted and continued to see where this would go because I genuinely like him…. we had so much in common, faith, family vaules, gentle spirits, givers, etc etc… he was not very communicative though I did not like that and I had decided that he was disqualifiying himself because he was not stepping up to acheive meeting any needs I have or want in a relationship. Here is the thing… he was witholding one thing that would make it all click for us.. his heart. He was guarding it but all the while wanting to release. He talked a good game but could not do it… that is what was missing between us, a keystone so to speak. I told him in that email yesterday because he had begun ignoring me for the last 2 days… today he sends me a text saying that I am a wonderful gracious woman but it is just not all there for him with me. No bodies fault it just doesnt work for him. I was very disappointed to say the least….

He had begun to treat me bad it did not feel good to me, my energy was drained but all the while I was hopeful that something would click, like putting his money where his mouth was and really give a relationship with me a try. In the end he bailed and made a decsion based on not “feeling sexual” with me… thing is he seems to be so miserable like he is but is selfcentered too. I offered him a complete different life than he has had but… he did not take me up on the offer. All you can do is offer your hand…… so, I learned again that you cant have a relationship with someone that is unwilling to trust their heart and give it to you. He is making decisions again like he has in the past….He does not even know what he has passed on here with me. He even told me before that my last love and my ex husband were dumb asses for letting me go and he now joins those ranks I guess.

Rejection is hard but there are signs that it is coming too. I am noticing a pattern here, men want you, pursue you and then when they get you, they backpeddle, grow distant and silent, wont call or communicate like they did. I felt it coming but was hoping it was insecurity on my part because of my past experience.. I am sad to say that it is a real indicator instead of a fluke. I wont let myself be treated badly like that again! If you dont call when you say you will you are headed for the disqualification pile….I just cant take crumbs and be happy with half or no hearted effort.

Ladies.. I want to tell you that I was so hopeful this time that this guy was gonna be different, I was more cautious and mindful of things that were said and and not mentioned… clues abounded but… this time I reserved my heart because there was nothing to attach it to..he did not really ever offer his and that is the real reason for this not working out… So, keep that in mind when you are with someone, you can be a gentle and sweet and giving, to a man and they will like it but if they are not truely emotional available to you it is headed down the tubes. I did not really get what I was needing out of him anyway and was about to break it off too. I must say that I was very optomistic that it would be different and he would surrender his fortified heart he danced around it for weeks, but in the end he couldnt. I am glad I was open willing to respond if he gave his to me… then I would have felt comfortable to do the same. I have learned not to get all wrapped up and give your heart to every man that comes along even if your are wildly attracted to him…. That is how I have let men treat me badly.

I will miss this guy and am dissapointed that he made it impossible to really connect and he shut us down as he. The great thing in all this is I AM NOT WONDERING WHAT I DID…NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS FAILURE THIS TIME… yeah!!!!! It is not my issue at all…I will continue my search, I have a definate vision of where I am headed and no compromise will be allowed…. that is how we get the relationships we want… right?

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 4:14pm

30: Cassandra says:

Rori….thank you for posting about this very situation. I am most definitely in one of ‘those’ awful situations however I also take full responsibility for getting myself here. I was the one who trusted what I was told. No one made me come here…I came here of my own accord based on what I had been told and shown with actions that at that time backed up the words. OMG how I wish that I had been taught to REALLY pay attention to how I felt about ME when I was around my man before moving here. Looking back I am not all that sure that it would have helped me in not making such a huge move and giving up everything for him however I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would have really helped me to see the red flags that were there….and there were. I have come to learn so much since that time and since being here and I believe that even though my circumstances are still pretty much the same…..I am still here in his house….living with Charles and in a relationship that is completely and totally on HIS terms and there are still no jobs here as a matter of fact people are getting layed off daily here….I know that this all happened for a reason. I had a HUGE HUGE HUGE lesson to learn and I hope that I have learned it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt now that I absolutely have no future with Charles. Not because I don’t love him…because I do but I now know that he cannot dance…not only can he NOT dance…he does not qualify to be my partner and love of my life…..and he is a terribly abusive man. Each time that he ‘jokes’ about me needing an escape route or about hurting me in some way (HE HAS NOT DONE THIS) I realize more and more that this is so NOT the life that I want for myself…..that I deserve more and I do now want to live my life in fear of him or any other man. I no longer get hurt when he says or does certain things because I know that I am growing and in my head…moving on even though I am still in his home and I love him and I love it here. I deserve more. I am a lady and deserve to be treated as such. The other night we went out to dinner and I stood in front of the door until he opened it….I did not move nor did I open the door and damn did that ever feel good!!! I am slowly but surely taking baby steps to show him that I am no longer taking that kind of treatment that he has doled out since getting me here under false pretenses. It feels so good to be in this place…finally. I know that when I move it is going to hurt like hell but I also know that I deserve so much better and it will feel so much better to know that I am positioning myself to have all of those things that I have dreamed of since I was little. Thank you so much for showing me this. I really think that you may have saved my life.

With so much love and gratitude…..

Cassandra

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 4:26pm

31: Cassandra says:

Daria…Linmayu and AG….I also want to thank you guys because you all have also helped me tremendously. Thank you and I send you so much love!!
XOXO

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 4:28pm

32: Linmayu says:

Wow, Cassandra! It feels so good reading your words. So much strength and clarity is shining through; you have come so amazingly far since I’ve met you.

I don’t have much more to say tonight. My grandfather passed away this evening and I’m feeling like being pretty quiet. Love to you all.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 5:51pm

33: Linda G says:

Linda
Brava to you for being able to realize when a man is not emotionally available and to be strong enough to walk away. I can tell how disappointed you were. I have spent countless months convincing men like this, my ex and even more months mourning what I thought I should have/could have done to reach him. It’s like Rori says, we have to find a man who can dance. Some are just not able and we need to pull ourselves away guilt free and move onto someone who will be able to do this with us.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 6:20pm

34: alias girl says:

linmayu. my condolences on your loss. i send you peace and love. and hugs. and i feel sad and i don’t know what it feels like to lose someone through death.

i feel at a loss of how to comfort you. i send love.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 6:51pm

35: Cassandra says:

Linmayu…..Thank you for your encouragement and for your post. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and hope that you are surrounded by love….happy memories and thinking about all of the good things about your grandfather. he is in a much better place and most likely looking down on you and feeling so much love and pride that you are his grandaughter. You and your family are most definitely in my prayers and I send you one of Darias flower hugs.
With lost of love and hugs…..
Cassandra

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 7:43pm

36: alias girl says:

linmayu. i feel sorry for your loss. i don’t know what it feels like to lose someone through death. i send you love and peace. i send you a heartfelt hug full of warmth and protection.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 8:49pm

37: Daria says:

Linmayu I send you love too and I hope for you to feel the same peace and reassurance I felt when my grandparents passed away. I felt a little sad yet comforted. I felt that they lived a full life and were always going to be with me.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009 @ 10:05pm

38: Linmayu says:

Thank you Cassandra, AG, and Daria. I definitely did feel a sense of peace after he went and we were all there praying over him; I know that his soul went somewhere better. I could feel it moving through the room.

He was a good man, and lived a full life; he was 90 years old. He had just returned from a trip to India, where he would spend every winter. The doctors there had all been amazed by him because Indian people don’t normally live that long.

His wife, my mother’s mother, had died shortly after I was born, and he had loved her so much that he never remarried. Imagine, a man in an arranged marriage feeling that way toward his wife! I can’t imagine it. But that was how things were in that time and place.

At one moment, I had felt angry. Because my parents are divorced and neither side of the family likes the other as a result, and my parents often said bad things about each other’s relatives so I always felt like I wasn’t supposed to love certain members of my family. And my grandfather was one of them. I feel bad that I let someone’s angry words put a wall between him and me. I expressed this to my mom in the moment, using a feeling message. Maybe they aren’t so unnatural after all.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 7:12am

39: Priscilla says:

Linda, what a courageous woman you are. It takes so much inner strength to walk away from a man who “just can’t do a mature relationship” because he isn’t emotionally available. I was in a similar situation with the on again, off again, not enough attention or time, can’t make up his mind, doesn’t know what he wants, etc. and it just wore me down. It was so frustrating and emotionally draining because he was so unstable. I was out on the rocky seas not knowing when the next tidal wave was going to hit or if the boat would tilt over. I was tired of being seasick, so I too got off the boat just like you Linda.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 7:56am

40: Margaret says:

Thanks for the post Rori. I have recently realized that this self-blame is a feeling that I made up in my head because when I was young and abuse happened I couldn’t do anything so I blamed myself to give me CONTROL OK, but now as a woman I can CHOOSE to do things differently….=) one baby-step at a time…

Margaret

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 8:59am

41: Rori Raye says:

Linmayu, just wanted to send you love and sympathy at the passing of your grandfather – sorry for your loss, and thank you for letting us know. Love, Rori

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 12:29pm

42: Maria says:

Linmayu, l admire the fact that you are indian. l have alwasy been keen to indian culture and admired the beauty. Even though lndia has gobe through a lot, they still have the most cultural strong traditions. l think the fact that you represent all it, is wonderful, so be brave and proud.
lm sorry for your loss.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 12:41pm

43: Rori Raye says:

Cassandra, thank you for your powerful story – and…you have saved your own life…brava…Love, Rori

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 1:56pm

44: Rori Raye says:

Linda – Yaaay for you! And…Targeting Mr. Right is all about this principle: Circular Dating is not about the result of the MAN – or even the relationship…because going for that RESULT throws off your vibe.

Your goal is more about you – what you can learn, how you can grow – and how, especially jumping off of what you say here in your wonderful comment…you can keep YOUR heart OPEN, so that he feels safe enough and intrigued enough to open HIS – without you turning your heart over to him.

Make sense? There’s a big difference between being vulnerable and open and being emotionally INVESTED.

And everything we’re doing here is about strengthening your inside boundaries – the core of you – so that you can be soft, open, vulnerable, raw, and completely emotionally available on the outside. It’s a magical thing – and as you imagine yourself walking through the world like this…you’ll start to feel its power. Love, Rori

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 2:02pm

45: c says:

Hi Linmayu, I’ve read your posts and feel for your loss and i feel very impressed at how you are staying with what you truly feel. My heartfelt best wishes.

And ladies, I feel warmth in my belly just reading everyone’s stories and support.

I’m feeling a little lost at the moment maybe the caffeine will kick in soon (I’m on the other side of the world so it’s about 10am in Melbourne, Australia).

I’ve started asking myself the question ‘why am i here’ and i feel almost an instant blockage

I made a few small baby steps yesterday and I’m starting to not believe the stories my whitenoise tells me sometimes about how i’m not good enough and how i can’t trust him and i’m just not good enough to even dare to wish for what i deserve

I intend to take baby steps and follow what feels good. I have felt to urge to check his phone and when i hugged myself and told myself that it was okay to want to check it and at the same time it feels really awful to act on it so i walked away.
I also stopped beating myself up with the inner voice and stopped believeing it when i felt bad. i just felt myself stand and watch the voice go on and on and just turned to walk away.
yesterday i made and effort to say thank you whenever i felt a bad feeling, instead of ‘oh my god here it comes again’ and found that when i start to feel tired from work, feel lost in my head, the whitenoise voice pops up and yaks away and away.
it didn’t instantly make to tight feeling go away, but it felt okay to have it.
when my guy asked ‘did you enjoy the massage honey’
i felt so comfortable turning around and facing him and saying ‘that felt really good hun. i’ve been feeling this giant knot in my stomach and i can feel it going away a little now’ and i felt this statement coming from a place that i was feeling okay with how i was feeling.
compared to feeling despair with bad feelings.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 4:05pm

46: Dorothea says:

I am not sure if this is the right place for my comment but I feel inspired to share with everyone here – all the posters and Rori too – that my life has taken such a positive turn since I’ve gotten into this website. I feel so grateful and happy for it. Even on days like these when I’m running on empty after the second all-nighter this week, I still feel love and hope. I used to fall apart under these conditions. I feel stronger. I feel like you all should know that even though we are practically invisible to each other, I feel so much honor and value for you. Thank you <3

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 6:56pm

47: alias girl says:

yae c. i feel good to read the progress by baby steps. i feel uplifted inside. i feel so good to hear you walk away from checking his phone. it felt like you took the energy back from that relationship dynamic and that felt good. i felt triggered by that. i do not want to be the woman who needs to check my man’s phone. but if i were with ex#2 or ex#1 i would probably have that urge. rr. i feel angry about that. i feel grateful i did not choose either one as my king. i am still circular dating and enjoying it. i did not choose anyone yet.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 6:58pm

48: alias girl says:

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo dorothea. i feel same gratitude and love for siren island. and i love to read all these men crashing on our shore.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 6:59pm

49: Linmayu says:

I feel so thankful for all the love and support here from the Goddesses. Thanks so much Rori and Maria and C for your kind words. I find that I get over death quickly; part of this might be my beliefs–I don’t believe anyone ever actually dies; they go on living in a different form, and I felt this very strongly with my grandfather–and part is that I don’t really get intimate with people while they are alive…anyone I really get close to betrays and leaves me, so I’ve already lost them and it’s no further loss to me if they leave this world…but I feel sad for my mother because she was very close to my grandfather, probably closer than anyone else in the family, and she will carry the sadness with her for a long time.

Thursday, 2 April 2009 @ 9:55pm

50: Cassandra says:

I too feel that deep gratitude and thanks for finding this site….Rori and all of you amazing Goddesses and of course Siren Island. This is the one place where I feel totally safe most of the time…thank you for that.

Linmayu…I am so glad that you are doing ok! You and your family are still in my prayers. xoxox

C – I just want to give you a huge hug! I know how awful that feels to want so badly to look at his phone but you didn’t do that..instead you hugged yourself…..loved yourself and walked away!!! How awesome is that?! You are stronger than you realize and gave me some ideas that I want to implement into my own life…..thanks for sharing your story with us……truly another inspiration.

to all of you that have been there with/for me thru my cancer ordeal…..I had my first 3 month check up the other day and the Dr. said that all looks good and that he thinks that he got it all! I will have the definitive results in a few days but he said that he thinks he did get it all. Thank you all for your suport and love.

Friday, 3 April 2009 @ 6:01am

51: Linda G says:

Cassandra, The greatest love and support, kindness and compassion, encouragement and validation to you from the Island of Sirens.

Friday, 3 April 2009 @ 6:04am

52: Daria says:

Yay Cassandra!

Friday, 3 April 2009 @ 9:18am

53: Linmayu says:

Cassandra, I feel so glad to hear the good news from your doctor. Praying that the official test results confirm that! <3

Friday, 3 April 2009 @ 9:39am

54: alias girl says:

i feel relieved to read that cassandra. i feel supportive. i feel very relieved and hopeful.

Friday, 3 April 2009 @ 11:01am

55: Robin says:

Thank you for this blog- I love what have to say!

I would love some input on this…

So the guy I work with ( we are both paid church musicians) that I was involved with, and he wants to be just friends…
( all of this happened a year ago, I was in an imaginary relationship with him for a little over a year, he started dating a new girl about 9 months ago…)

Well, I haven’t been there for a ‘friendship.’ I’m trying to get this ‘rock star’ thing down, where I work with him professionally when I used to be involved with him.

He’s dating now, he wants to be friends
and she wants to be my friend, too, and I’m like NOO.

I don’t want to have him as a casual friend. And I don’t want to hang out with them together, because it feels bad and sometimes I get the feeling that he’s trying to compare us side-by-side, and I REFUSE to compete with another woman.

SO…I’ve been walking away if I see her coming…and I’ve been turning down offers from him to do things together, because I don’t want to be his casual friend.

We work in an off-limits area of the church, in which only musicians are allowed. Its just the two of us for our particular services, though, so we are alone. But now the girl he’s dating is coming upstairs to sit with him, and at first I really didn’t feel anything negative, I didn’t feel angry because I haven’t been putting any effort out…but then at one point they exchanged a kiss, and then I felt a little uncomfortable, like a 3rd wheel…

Before the kiss, as tension really started to mount, I said I feel a little weird, and I think he said yeah, me too. After the kiss, I said ” I feel uncomfortable. This feels bad, I don’t feel comfortable.” He then asked why, immediately understood why, and kinda rolled his eyes.

So how can I walk away now? If she’s upstairs with us, Its not like I can walk away, because I’m working, and more than that I’m fulfilling my calling and my ministry, so I don’t want to stop…

I feel like I did everything I could at church; I spoke how I was feeling when I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t get dramatic, I didn’t attack him or blame him, but I did let him know that I was feeling weird…

I don’t know whose decision it was for her to sit upstairs, but I don’t want to be there with them together and I don’t want to be there ’side-by-side’ with her; I don’t want him to have the opportunity to even think of comparing us while we are in the same room, because it makes me feel like I’m vying for his attention and I don’t feel like competing….

But now I can’t just walk away….

What do you think? Am I overreacting? Should I not care if he compares us? Or if she’s up there with us?

Monday, 20 April 2009 @ 11:51am

56: Hollie says:

I read this and it hit the nail on the head!
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have a daughter who is 16 months.
he has an explosive anger problem that is really starting to get worse.
last month we realized i was pregnant again and both of us decided we didn’t want to have another baby for multiple reasons. It was a hard choice to make, but I had to have an abortion. While i was at the clinic getting it done, he left and i ended waiting for him for 2 hours!!! come to find out, he came home and saw a perfect opportunity to watch porn!!! that was the most appalling thing i think he could ever do!! I still cant even believe he did it.
and of course he saw nothing wrong with it.
Then in all of my heart break, he has the nerve to tell me that i am overreacting, then he started swearing and calling me names….which he knows will stop the arguing so i dont ecalate him.
well the past few days have been rough. I work and he doesn’t. when i come home, he will say that his day was long with the baby and he is tired, not even acknowledging that i just had a long hard day of work, nothing like staying at home with our sweet, well-mannered child.
And today is mother’s day!!! did i get anything from him?! NO!!! Its 2pm and the friggin a-hole is still sleeping!!!!
Here is the whole problem, I love him and truly feel like we were meant to be, but he doesn’t show by his actions that he loves me. He doesn’t cheat or flirt and i cant get him to go out for a night with the guys…he wont.
I am so CONFUSED. i dont want to loose the love of my life, but i dont want to stay here and get treated this way anymore.
I already know i am not to blame, that is no problem for me, i always counter act the bad things he says by replacing them with positive word from myself.
i know i deserve better and could get another man if i wanted. but i love this asshole!!!!!!
OK, it feels really good to get this off of my chest and can’t wait to hear what you ladies think. Thank you

Sunday, 10 May 2009 @ 11:01am

57: Jen-B says:

Mama Cass,

I’m so happy for you!

Monday, 11 May 2009 @ 12:34pm

58: Lena says:

What if a man tells you he loves you, will doing anything to be with you over and over and over. Just when you begin to let your guard down after months…

But then when you are a bit irritable just once, he will completely ignore you for weeks, and act like you are nothing to him.

Is this abuse? I know I do not “feel” good about myself now – but I did before.

Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 2:15am

59: Rori Raye says:

Lena, welcome – and sounds like you’ve got a doozy of a crazy man there…narcissistic, something classic, can’t diagnose but…and here’s the thing. Your guard should ALWAYS be down. From the 1st moment. That’s how you get connected instantly, and also smoke out the bad apples quickly. Words are important. If you’re feeling irritable – knowing how to express yourself is crucial. Keep Circular Dating – and don’t let anyone tie you down until you’re sure…Love, Rori

Monday, 15 June 2009 @ 9:20am

60: Why Men Treat Women Poorly… And What To Do About It. « Coach Rori Raye – Have The Relationship You Want says:

[...] To learn my simple process on how to stop blaming yourself when men treat women badly. [...]

Monday, 1 March 2010 @ 7:36am

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