Why Is He Ignoring Me?

why is he ignoring meWhy is he ignoring me? What’s he thinking? Why isn’t he talking to me? Why isn’t he looking at me? Why isn’t he calling me?

He doesn’t like me anymore. He’s mad at me. He doesn’t miss me. He’s met another woman. He’s thinking about his ex-girlfriend.

If these kind of thoughts circle around in your head often — I know how you feel.  Actually, we all know how you feel!

It’s the age old question of “Why is he ignoring me?”

And the thing is, the answer is usually none of the things you’re thinking!

The truth is — he’s more likely thinking about a pimple on his chin, about paying a bill, about getting older, about the results of a sports event, and a lot of the time he just needs to pee.

So what are you to do?  The easy answer is to say do nothing. And yet I know that’s pretty much impossible because your brain is still going round and round.

So let’s see if we can find some way to help your brain feel better and your body feel less tense – and stop the questions from rolling around in your head.

First: catch yourself but the first thought that comes to mind about what you think might be going on with your man.

If you can, get out of the space where he is. Outside is best. If you’re with them in a public place, try going to the bathroom.

Second: If you can write down this first thought you have in the little journal you might be carrying (It would be great if you would carry around a journal and pencil with you everywhere so that you can get more natural with Feeling Messages) — that would be terrific. Now we have something to work with!

The first thoughts that might come to you are: He’s ignoring me. Why is he ignoring me?

So let’s turn those around.

See if you can switch your focus from what’s going on with him to what’s going on with you. This could be:

My shoulders feel tense.

My belly feels like there’s a brick lodged in it.

I can barely breathe.

My legs feel like they’re not going to hold me up anymore.

If more thoughts about him come into your mind – let’s go with a standard procedure:

1. When the thought “Why is he ignoring me?” comes up for you — flip it to “I have no idea what he’s thinking about. I’m making this up. So I’m going to make it up good. I’m going to make it up that he’s thinking about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with me!”

2. Now — check into your body again. How are your shoulders doing? How is your belly doing? How is your tummy doing? How are your hips doing? Are you clenching anywhere?

3. Focus on breathing into parts that feel tense.

4. Now as each new thought comes up about him, track through your body, and say out loud – if you can – how that body part feels.

Yes, I know what you want my advice here to change something about his behavior. You want me to come up with something clever to say to him that would open up communication.

And the truth is, until you can get in touch with yourself, and out of the rut of the why is he ignoring me thought and into the possibility that there are way more other possibilities here — if you approach him now it’s going to be filled with tension, need and desperation.

It’s going to be very unattractive, and it’s going to push him away.

And do you really want to do that if his only issue is that he has a hangnail?

In other words you can make a problem where there is none!

Now — when you’ve got a real feel for yourself, and you’re able to relax and you’re able to shift all your thoughts about him into feelings that you feel and experience inside you — one of two things will happen:

1. He will all of a sudden approach you and talk to you with a smile on his face as if nothing is wrong. How great is that!

2. He’ll go back to the space where he is.  Then you’ll smile at him. And  if things aren’t automatically better — you’ll say something like “I can feel a kind of quiet between us now. Is there anything I should know?”

And he’s either going to say “No — what are you talking about?”  Or he’s going to tell you what’s bothering him.

If he shuts the conversation down – then you’ve got some information about him. Either there really is nothing wrong, and your thoughts are still getting the best of you, or he’s not a very good communicator.

And — in the best case scenario here — he may open up to you! And there you are now, both of you on a whole new level of connection.

Let me know how this works for you…

Love, Rori

 

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863 Comments to “Why Is He Ignoring Me?”

  1. 1: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    What an insightful post.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:46am

  2. 2: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I guess “if you approach him now it’s going to be filled with tension, need and desperation” is the reason leaning back is the best option.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:51am

  3. 3: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    “…..a lot of the time he just needs to pee”

    ROFL!!!

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:55am

  4. 4: MelNo Gravatar says:

    I have read elsewhere that often times, when he’s being silent and we’re busy fretting and worrying about what he could possibly be thinking about, he is quite possible thinking about absolutely NOTHING. Apparently many men have the ability to just turn off their thoughts and completely zone out. I can’t even fathom what that would be like! I am always thinking about something!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:16am

  5. 5: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    3:

    That is exactly what I did, and then I said, hmmmm…”that’s probably true”.

    LOL!!! :-)

    ~Lilybelly.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:17am

  6. 6: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    4:

    This is true. He who shall remain nameless asked me that question one day after a particulary rough day at work. I was fretting, worrying about something that I had no control over and he said… “Can’t you just turn it all OFF?” Just don’t think about anything for a while; if you can do that, the stress and worry will subside and you will feel better”. I couldn’t.

    He could.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:20am

  7. 7: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman & SummerBaby

    … continued from the last thread…

    I like the feeling of peace. It feels better (even physically) to the tension and anger and stress. So this is good. But FW, you are right about it feeling a bit empty. I just have to work on filling up that space with love for myself.

    Tinque wrote a blog post recently, on “drama” and she addressed this a little. She talked about how sometimes when we feel that peace we try to fill it up with more drama because it feels so weird to not have the anxiety and strong emotions. I think I’m going to re-read that post today! :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:30am

  8. 8: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    we may not be able to turn it all off, but we can go to a different place in our minds… meadows, beaches, anyplace that is happy and carefree for us. I try to take frequent mental vacations. I take a hike in my mind. Feels so much better.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:32am

  9. 9: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Most of the time if he seems weird/off to us, it has NOTHING to do with us; He had a bad day at work,, the world is troubling him, he has a headache, or something else.

    Yet it has everything to do with us because of the stories we make up around it.

    I like to operate under the assumption at all times that it’s usually me, an old memory that came up without me being aware of it, an old trigger, a pain in my belly that put me into cranky mode, etc.

    Usually he’s just happily going along, peaceful in his quiet, firmly ensconced in his “nothing box”.

    xxoo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:55am

  10. 10: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    I cannot remember which siren is trying to paint a picture of her “the one” so forgive me, but I had a thought today. I am going to take a photo of my guy and me holding hands. I just want the hands. I will take a headshot of us too, but for now, holding hands just makes me feel comfortable about so many things.

    So I wondered if you could paint a picture of holding hands and put all your visions and emotions into it about your “the one”. That way the universe can still surprise you with the rest of the wrapping.

    Just some musings… I even googled holding hands just so I could look at some images and feel good. there’s one set with the beach in the background. I think I’m going to take pics for everything we do if we should travel, with holding hands being the theme. so the scene is a backdrop of the holding hands… just made me feel good.

    Summerbaby

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:56am

  11. 11: Virginia Feingold ClarkNo Gravatar says:

    Great post. So true how we can get in our own way by being too pre-occupied with how the man is feeling and not pay enough attention to our own.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:03am

  12. 12: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello morning

    I feel a bit stuffy

    A bit hot

    I hear the birds. It feels safe.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:22am

  13. 13: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW- from previous thread:

    “Peace sometimes for me is scary because it has a feeling like something is missing. I am trying to be comfortable with it.”

    WOOOOOOOOW….Yes!

    In the last year, I have found a fairly peaceful place–I am the most content I have ever been as an adult. No underlying stress for the first time in my ENTIRE life. My divorce was final a year ago after four contentious years and the ex seemed to shill out a bunch. Finances are finally excellent. The kids are all healthy and well-adjusted and happy. I’m losing weight. My best friend ha taught e how to have fun again. My job doesn’t suck.

    At first, I was like, “What’s this? There’s no drama!? No one wants something from me? I feel…healthy!? This can’t be right!”

    Now, a year into the contentment, I still have some accepting work to do, but yes, I get what you mean by “feels like something’s missing.”

    In therapy a few years ago, I realized that I court chaos. I am not addicted to it necessarily, but because my day-in and day-out existence is one of responsibility and stability and normalcy, I would crave adventure and a little shake-up. I did that by choosing toxic men, engaging in risky behaviors, and attaching to crazy friends. I got the drama vicariously…and it seemed “safe,” because I could always point to my “normal” life as a mother, a good corporate employee, and an educated girl-next-door type: “See, I’m a good girl! No self-inflicted chaos here!”

    So I am recognizing now when I invite chaos/drama–and I’m consciously choosing the peace most of the time.

    Although sometimes a little craziness is still called for.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:23am

  14. 14: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Its been a while lovely ladies, this is great.

    He asked me to give him a change to make us work.
    So we are trying,

    But i feel like this there is something wrong everyday

    i feel from the years where there was, that i am now totally paranoid, and i make it up and create problems.

    I would love to learn to brush it off, so i am going to try this, as i am now a little stress head and everyday a comment or look will take me back to a bad time in the past and i will think here we go again. I may be way off the mark, but my mood then creates a problem..

    i will give this ago, but i would love some advise on how to stop doing what i do..

    zoot zoot

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:34am

  15. 15: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    All I learned from this entry was women have good intentions and men are a$$holes. This is WHY I no longer give a sh1t. For years I was considered selfish. Guess selfish is the way to go.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:34am

  16. 16: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    FW: “Peace sometimes for me is scary because it has a feeling like something is missing. I am trying to be comfortable with it.”

    liking this discussion…

    haha…yeah…for some reason I think of something I heard a young lady friend of my daughter say about looking at face book and seeing all these people putting stuff on their status that makes it look like they have much more exciting lives than she does,
    and it makes her feel bad.

    Peace can be scary because you begin not to care about that, how exciting other peoples lives are, because your peace has nothing to do with things. but then your doubts kick in and you wonder if you really are missing out on something, and that kicks up fear.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:36am

  17. 17: LeoNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    thanks for this post today. It helped me a lot – just the right time…

    2 weeks ago my new semester in university started and since then I am mostly staying at my place again (on weekends at his place), but during semester break i stayed at my man’s place more than at my own.

    I am trying to get used to it again, not seeing him as much, not talking to him as much. Sometimes I feel like I miss something in his life when he is not calling or texting. I wanna know whats going on in his life.

    I was doing a pretty good job during the past days with keeping myself busy and happy. And i was.
    Yesterday we have almost had no contact, only IMing a little in the morning. And again this morning; he was very cute!!
    But all day today…nothing… And now again at the start only IMing again… Then I got weak and asked if he wants to talk on the phone. He said yes.

    Gosh then the conversation got all weird. I dont know… Fell bad now somehow, unhappy, disappointed somehow and sad.
    I was hoping he would call, or text, or something…

    No the gremlin-voices are back…dont feel so strong as I did the last days.

    Feel annoyed right now…

    And… when we were talking on the phone, he was telling me his plans for the weekend, what he wants to do, and he never mentioned me really, only for sunday, for we have a competition there. So then I asked If we are gonna see each other. And he was totally confused by my question. He assumed I was gonna come. I looked like an idiot. Felt so bad. I just wanted him to ask me or tell me when to come, time, day….

    Feel so weak right now…
    Thanks for reaading, felt good to write!

    -Leo-

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:41am

  18. 18: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    15. kaitlyn,

    now, now, kaitlyn, maybe let’s not generalize!! :-)

    many guys are good guys and have good intentions, but some are just “a$$holes in life” or have challenges that are best dealt with in a therapists care.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:42am

  19. 19: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Basically, me can do whatever they want and if we feel insecure, it’s our problem not theirs, and we need to just accept it as to not ruffle their feathers. Screw this. I am DONE with dating. My life’s mission, i suppose, should be to just work work and make money. And keep starving myself. Make money, starve, rinse, repeat.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:44am

  20. 20: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth, god forbid i ask a guy a question because i CARE about him and the relationship. Looks like i can’t, judging by this entry, for i will come off as sounding insecure/emotionally needy and that will push him away.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:48am

  21. 21: Soul SistaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh I love this topic :) I have not gotten past track 5 on “Reconnect Your Relationship” and my standard feeling on this issue is:

    “What do I care what he’s thinking? It’s his head…” LOL!

    Think about him? Lean forward? NO WAY!

    i can’t go into details but just let me say i am getting everything i want…

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:49am

  22. 22: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    19. Kaitlyn

    Well, I don’t buy into that men can do whatever they want and if we feel insecure, it’s our problem.

    Because as I’ve said before, they may act like dogs sometimes and be big scooby doos, but I’m not letting them off so easy on shirking their end of the relationship responsibilities. Their consciousness is big enough to see beyond just conditioning and behavioral psychology, but it’s easier not to have to go there.

    I for one, am not afraid to ruffle their feathers some. ;-)

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:50am

  23. 23: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    20. kaitlyn

    look, i have learned not to take everything said here so literally. it takes a lot of work to know when to apply advice, tools, etc. Not everyone’s experiences and relationships and advices apply to me and my relationships. sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. relationships are like getting just the right ratios in a recipe, or a chemical formula, you try a little of this, subtract a little of that, add a little that, do your best, have a good intention, keep notes, and see what happens.

    so why do you CARE about him so much if he doesn’t care about you? Maybe he does care about you, but it seems to me that he has too much turmoil within himself to be of much value in a relationship with you. No backbone, useless.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:57am

  24. 24: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Looks like my only solution is to date a loser with absolutely nothing going on. No inner turmoil there to get in the way. Maybe the Needle Exchange has a singles night? I’ll start there.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:01am

  25. 25: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    24. kaitlyn

    do you see how you go from one extreme to another?

    everyone has inner turmoil, but some have too much as to make them more unavailable than not.

    unless it is serving you in some way to try to get that to happen. a chase, a challenge ?

    how’s that working for ya so far ?

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:05am

  26. 26: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I ju

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:09am

  27. 27: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn, i think you are talking about being “numb”, or being in la-la land, but what we are really concerned with is avoiding high highs and low lows which work against real happiness and having lasting happiness–the kind which doesn’t put one out of touch, but rather, more IN touch with everyone and everything around you, making it better than ever.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:11am

  28. 28: Soul SistaNo Gravatar says:

    …i feel if we feel insecure, yeah, that is our problem. there is a big difference between expressing what you do or don’t want, or expressing how you feel, without feeling completely insecure.

    i’m saying this from experience because i used to feel completely insecure and a couple of the ladies on here who know me personally know why and on the outside it may well have looked like i had damn good reason! but, after all the growth i’ve had in the past 5 months i will never feel that way again and he is RUNNING back to me.

    and even though i love him and was totally hung up on him i know without a shadow of a doubt i have as many options as there are hot, wonderful men out there and i’m going on dates…almost every night. and having a great time. and i’ll be in San Francisco on Saturday and having a birthday party there…and he knows it.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:11am

  29. 29: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I just did some EFT Erika style, using ‘I give myself permission to…”. And “they said [belief] and I bought into that belief hook line and sinker. And it’s not true.”

    From watching the free videos she has on her blog.

    And I did it on my sisters health and our relatuonship.

    Oh I feel good and free, I was feeling turny in the pit of my tummy before…
    I realized during EFT that Iight have been picking up on the energy She feels as far as her organs and stuff.

    I remember I used to do that w my mom, maybe still do , have learned to notice mine and moms separately now, no codependence.

    Yay healing!

    :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:14am

  30. 30: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Why is life so amazing? Why am I able to take everything in from a moment a feed my soul? Why am I able to connect with the people that show up in a healing, magical way with no judgement? Why does everything I desire show up for me?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:16am

  31. 31: Soul SistaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria ~ congratulations! sounds like you’ve grown a lot in the past 5 months, too!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:18am

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Bliss! Hi! I feel thrilled to see you!

    I’ll share what I do. When my thoughts start going there and I notice them, I use Rosa’s stop sign tool.

    In the moment, I look up sharp to the right … And see a big red stop sign for 5 seconds.

    Then look back to normal and choose a thought I want.., like ‘he thinks I’m beautiful!’. Or… ‘this situation is a sign I’m healing (no matter what the situation is or how not healing it looks)’

    My brain is much easier able to accept the new thought after the stop sign.

    And it usually works instantly for me to smile, a few repeats might be all it takes to shift my entire thinking.

    Hope this works for you – Rori has a post on this tool too… Or something else comes up for you that works …

    If u intend happiness, put your faith in it no matter what you see that doesn’t agree , you will have it!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:21am

  33. 33: JennNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth-
    Thank you for your previous post on last blog. Insightful and truthful. I feel I need to take several deeeeeep breaths throughout the day to stop my mind from going on and on and on.. this post is good.. I can easily come up with a thought that what he is thinking has nothing to do with me.. he is thinking about how to get his life on track so that he doesn’t miss out on an opportunity to be with someone as special and compassionate as me! That feels good for the moment. Today I felt mostly betrayed and angry that I kept thinking well doesn’t he miss my touch and holding me etc.. as he said he did two weeks ago?? how come he could hold me and want to be with me often tewo weeks ago and now not.. that’s the part that really gets my mind and body feeling crappy. So.. onward today and fill my head with good thoughts because I am worthy of a man coming to get me.. feeling the energy I have to give and someone who won’t take advantage of it. what do you think?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:21am

  34. 34: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, this is good! Whatever he’s thinking- it’s not about me. Just let it go. Let it gooo…

    We have a guy at work who’s started recently. He’s my age, and he’s immature, but a *lot* of fun to work with, as he can be such a flirt. He threw water at me yesterday at my ass region, and says, “You have a nice bum”. I’m thinking- did I just hear correctly?
    So he repeats, but slightly editing: “You have a nice, wet, bum”. I grin and turn away.
    The chemistry is amazing, and I think I’m high on it.
    But he also invited me out for drinks with the others this friday night, but I’ll be going home this weekend… I *wish* he’d hurry up and have the guts to ask me out!
    Come on, dude. You love my vibe. You love the fact that I don’t bitch and stoop down to others’ level; that I don’t try and *make* conversation with you. That I’m me, and I’m happy with that. But you’re too scared to ask me for fear I’ll say no!
    I’m worrying that he actually thought me saying I was going home was actually a blow off.
    But no no no- stop stop overthinking, Mali! STOP. No more overfunctioning. Let it be. Let him make the effort.
    Because at the end of the day you’re worth it.
    Whew… breathe!
    I feel a little looser, more relaxed, less hung up on him, a litle more peaceful. whew. Breathe.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:23am

  35. 35: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn. Darlin’.

    I think I believe you come here to scowl and say semi-shocking hings to get it out of your system and to get support. So, here’s the support part: I am sometimes also irritated with the “boys will be boys” underpinnings of the advice here and it does rankle with my inner feminist. Why do they get to be such thoughtless pricks and we have to be all wise and confident and jsut go tra-la-la off to yoga instead?

    I know. I know.

    But somehow–and I have not fully reconciled my little Rori on the one shoulder with my little Gloria Steinem on the other shoulder–somehow, Rori’s way just works. I think it’s because of the peace and certainty it brings us that we are really fine without a man. But that we may want one.

    You are loved and accepted here, Kaitlyn, even when you scowl!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:26am

  36. 36: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Soul sista – thank you! For the past year and a half I’ve been growing enormously everyday… Life is so amazing.

    Ive been feeling so guilty that I may have upset you last time by asking u an insensitive assuming-type question that was not a feeling message and then you left the blog. Super sorry about that, I felt awful after (though my main intent was not to hurt you, I knew that might happen, I could’ve said something about Myself and My feelings)

    Feel so glad you are writing to me here now.

    I super admire you!

    Love

    Daria

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:26am

  37. 37: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    BUT…what about when it IS about me????

    He is not sure if I am THE ONE.

    He finds my laugh irritating.

    He’s bothered that I won’t cook for him or drive to him or initiate affection.

    He can’t believe I’m wearing THAT.

    But he trick I am working on is allowing him to think whatever he wants to without my needing to know. Allowing him to dislike my friends. Allowing him to scoff at the shoes with the floral applique that I think are darling! Allowing him to whine that I have not cooked for him yet. Allowing him to pout that my kids are around this weekend.

    And not trying to change his mind about any of it!

    But yeah, it’s hard.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:32am

  38. 38: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    33 Jenn
    :-)

    Yes, Jenn, you’re doing good to begin to realize that not everything has to do with you…..who knows, maybe you were too fantastic for him to handle his feelings about it all, he’s confused, and he’s backing off, going in the cave. but meanwhile, he has not communicated anything clearly to you, so we are left with our own ruminations and investing our precious energy circuits into betrayal and anger, etc., which not only also affects our biology, as you have rightly observed, but also distract us from our own life, right here, right now, with so much beauty and wonder and fullness right in the present moment…rather than living with ghosts…
    i can tell you, i have been doing this, filling up my OWN well, instead of wondering why he can’t or don’t want to hold me or have all those good feelings, anymore, and connecting so wonderfully with all people and nature and beings around me.
    Yes, it is very magical. This…being present….is the fastest route to letting what is in your highest and best interest to come into your life.
    No worries, you are doing great !!

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:33am

  39. 39: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    Thanks. I know stuff here works. Leaning back, not overfunctioning, etc. But I still think, even though Rori says not to stuff your feelings, a lot of this ‘it’s your stuff, don’t ask him if anything’s wrong’ is kinda stuffing your feelings.

    And I don’t come here just to bitch and whine. I’ve offered plenty sirens support and advice.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:34am

  40. 40: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Leo, my heart goes out to you!

    You know, OnLy YOU have the power to change this, a la Smoky the bear.

    You can love yourself up so much that you loneliness is soothed, and that you don’t reach out, or thunk about Him reaching out to you…

    You Can! A challenge since you are exclusively seeing this man… But doable. Going out without him. A the time. Dating yourself…

    Doing something new you might like. Like painting rock climbing dancing.

    Reading about mythology (I do this hehe)

    maybe some man friends? If you have some?

    You can get to this place where he starts complaining about lack of contact… And you say… Oh it feels so good to hear you want to see me, and I don’t want to ne complained to, it would feel great to see you

    Then He makes plans and asks you

    And chases you around

    Because you don’t even know what’s going on w him so much, as far as what his schedule is… Because you don’t stay on to have those kinds of convos…

    Your convos are all about feelings, depth, and flirting… And more and more connection comes in after that period of distance, but now it’s connection if Romance and him giving to you a d asking about you.

    I know this is possible, the start is the intent and starting to love your own self and soothing your own booboos and lonelier like you would a child.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:36am

  41. 41: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn –

    He doesn’t have to be an asshole, he’s responsible for the same. What if he was constantly saying: ‘you don’t like me huh?’. – we don’t like those kinds of guys. It’s like, um no, I was looking at tv, but it feels weird to be asked that (wtf)

    So he’s actually doing the same by not talking that way to u’s.

    Maybe saying… I feel some fiancé between u’s… Is something going on… Is a question to ask.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:43am

  42. 42: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    I know, Kaitlyn. I know you do offer lots of support! I’m sorry if I made it seem as if you just bring shock-value. Not at all! I think sometimes you articulate things on here lots of us are thinking but that may not be “blogly correct.” I appreciate that–that’s brave.

    We all have riff moments. I admit though that your self-anger scares me for you. I find some of your statements provocative (not saying YOU provoke–tried to “own” that one myself). The not eating part is particularly foreign to me and makes me feel scared for you–considering that I can’t seem to STOP eating!

    I just wanted to acknowledge you but also express how sometimes I feel alarm at your anger toward yourself. But if this forum is a good outlet for you to safely express the anger, then I may just need to shut up and let you do your thing :)

    Just…love and hugs and a little concern! I swear that’s all I mean.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:43am

  43. 43: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #15 “All I learned from this entry was women have good intentions and men are a$$holes.”
    Imho you got that wrong, Kaitlyn. The real lesson is, men aren’t women! So, don’t expect them to react in the same way as you do.

    “Guess selfish is the way to go.” If that’s the way that makes you happy…

    #24 “Looks like my only solution is to date a loser with absolutely nothing going on. No inner turmoil there to get in the way. Maybe the Needle Exchange has a singles night? I’ll start there.”
    Lol, Kaitlyn! Good to see your humor is still very much alive.
    :-)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:50am

  44. 44: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Lurks, where ya been? Missed ya! :-)

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:52am

  45. 45: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, its been a while and its nice to be back seeing familiar faces.

    It warmed me up.

    I will try what u an rori have suggested..

    I want to learn to not feel like i am always the reason for the mood change.

    maybe i am way too insecure , as i feel like this with my girlfriends as well.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:53am

  46. 46: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #44 Missed you, too, Liz!
    :-)
    Well, I had some stuff to do in rl. And somehow no motivation to add my two cent here. Happens every now and then.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:00pm

  47. 47: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Sirens, I posted here a few weeks ago and looking for some perspective on something.

    I’m working with some resistance to recieving from my man still. Things are going great (4 months), he’s leading a lot but i keep finding myself trying to give to him. It’s mostly in the form of paying for things. Sometimes when we are at the till (maybe in the supermarket for example) and I will find myself getting more and more anxious about paying and who will pay and then wooosh, when we get to the card swiper, I grab my card and shove it in the machine before he even has the chance to blink. Why do I do it????

    I’m wondering if it’s about control and feeling vulnerable and a belief that if he pays then I OWE.

    It was his birthday the other day and I saw that as an ‘appropriate’ time to give to him and arranged some gifts, homemade card, homemade chocolates, champage etc but now I’m worried that I’ve got mysef into a giving, leaning forward overdrive. Aargh. Still not sure why I’m doing this to him/ myself.

    I try to telling myself that he can’t fall in love when recieving but….I’m feeling embarassed to admit this I’ve even started chastising him and telling him “you need to learn to recieve more”. WTF!! It’s like I’m trying to make him into a WORSE boyfriend.

    Am I alone here in doing this? Any perspectives would be appreciated.
    x

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:14pm

  48. 48: LeoNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Daria,

    thanks for your comment.
    You always help me a lot. Just to read this for it’s what I wanna think.

    I actually have (had) lots of guy friends. But the one I spent lots of time with the past couple of month now has a girlfriend and spend like every second with her. ;)

    I am getting better at keeping myself busy and happy. It works well. Just had a weak moment earlier. Actually its already past!

    I opened myself a bottle of champagne, took my nail file, sat down on my couch and started watching a movie :) Was lots of fun. Once in a while my thoughts went back to him, but I was able to stop myself.
    Actually, I was thinking about apologizing (via IM) to him, for my strange behaviour (it really wasnt me, just got triggered by something). Well, I am happy that I didnt. I did not lean forward. He called me and told me what tomorrow’s gonna happen and how (with his daughter) and then ASKED me when I am gonna come, what I have in mind and gave me his thoughts. Then we had a nice chitty-chat. Made me feel even happier!
    When I picked up the phone, he said “ooh, u sound better again. I am glad.” And I was….I took care of myself and made me happy.

    I am very much looking forward to our weekend now.

    Thanks again, Daria.
    And yes, I wanna get to the place where he starts complaining about the lack of time we spend together. But if he steps up before, it doesnt even have to go there.
    I feel so strong again right now!
    Yes :)

    -Leo-

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:23pm

  49. 49: JeanNo Gravatar says:

    Corin #47 – we have all been taught for so long, that its better to give then to get to give then receive. we have always been the nuturing ones, the giving ones. its hard to break that habit. You are on the right track, because you recognize what you are doing. its baby steps to hold yourself back at these times. you might want to try some of the things rori suggests to “freeze” yourself in these moments. and that may help you in baby steps to eventually stop the “giving” and take the giving. when you feel like you must “jump in ” and pay…stop yourself…physically force yourself to stop..and then breathe…just stop and breathe…in and out, in and out…feel yourself relax…and then lean back. see if that maybe helps to get you out of that automatic mode….I know, its hard to stop after all the time of being told what to do to show our love…I hope this helps you!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:25pm

  50. 50: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Loool autocorrect! I feel some fiancé between u’s!

    That’s: I feel some distance between us.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:27pm

  51. 51: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Corrin, i find myself falling into this trap as well.

    I have caught myself and thought ” What the’

    I am sure other sirens could help out, as I am in the midst of fixing something that been damaged badly, I find i am very insecure, and struggle with anyone being in a bad mood, or wanting to pay, as i feel i owe them or i have caused their mood.

    I want to find a way to stop this and not feel like i am the reason they are sad, angry , or great now i will have to repay them for wha they just bought.

    I hope i am making some sense, and i hope we can both get some adivse…

    I have stopped my rollercoaster ride, just need to tweak a few issues.

    :-))

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:28pm

  52. 52: LeoNo Gravatar says:

    @ 45 Bliss,

    hi, i just picked this up…dont know if i really am right with my guessing…
    You were speaking of “mood change” and “insecurity” and it being “your fault”…

    I think i can relate to that…
    Sometimes if my man’s mood changes, mine does to. I cant help it. And then, he already is fine and happy again, but I am still not feeling happy yet again. And then he asks me what is wrong with me. Although I wanna scream “what was wrong with u”. I often think his mood changes are my fault for i feel insecure.

    I talked with him about it. And he says that sometimes when he is in a bad mood he would want me to not let it affect me and just stay happy and treat him in a normal way. (its hard…and i am still bad at it).
    And that me also feeling annoyed just makes it more complicated.

    I am working on this big time and I hope that I will feel more secure about myself there!

    Hope you will too!

    -Leo-

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:29pm

  53. 53: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Leo!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:34pm

  54. 54: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay mali!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:34pm

  55. 55: JeanNo Gravatar says:

    Corrin, it took me a long time too. I felt very “aware of it”..but with the current man, I have used feeling messages. and that seems to have worked for both of us…at least with him and at least for now. I would say, wow, I feel uncomfortable that you are paying. It would feel good to pay this time, I would feel happy to share…and then he says…oh, no, I wouldnt dream of having you pay, that is my job, I have your smile and your laughter and your company to enjoy. so then, I just smile big and say THank you! and I get a big hug and smile back. so he is happy and I am happy but I have addressed it. so I think its the “manly man”(LOL) in him, its his way of being the boy and doing his job of stepping up. I do still do things on a different level though. He makes much more money then me and we both know it. so I do things that I feel make us both feel good. I cook dinner sometimes, because it makes me “FEEL HAPPY/GOOD” to do this. “I felt so happy to make dinner for us tonite, it felt good to cook this meal for “US”. and then we are both happy. what do you think, Corrin?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:35pm

  56. 56: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Soul sista if you’re having an open birthday party like at a public venue I wanna come!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:36pm

  57. 57: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Leo

    wow, thats what happens and I make it even worse, and as you said sometimes there was nothing wrong, and argggggggggggggggggggggggg

    I have this problem with my girlfriends as well, they snub me, yell at me, and are short with me , when they are in bad moods, I feel like i am just their sounding boards . they always complain they never get to go out, when i make arrangements to go out, they say they can’t . then complain the next week that their man always goes out..

    I cop their moods, its feels like i wear their burden as well and me offering them an out, makes them angry why i don;t know !

    No one is ever available to go out, and I don’t feel comfortable going out alone,

    ohh to not be so worried about others

    :-}

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:36pm

  58. 58: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    Hi, how can I help you? I feel so grieved how it seems you torture yourself with these thoughts about men, and starving yourself (I wish we could change appetites for just one year, long enough for me to get back to 150 lbs and a size 12! :-) ).

    What I hear beneath your posts is, “I am screaming in pain beneath my perfect, size zero body and my broken relationship! I want to love and be loved! I am beginning to lose faith in men and am scared I will never get that.” I mean, I am not trying to put words in your mouth…I am not telling you what you feel. I am just saying my perception…

    I hear a cry for help. So, how can I help you?

    I love you, and I care.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:40pm

  59. 59: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    FW – hope you see my verbal hug on last post.

    xo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:47pm

  60. 60: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I am at my parents
    Not a great time.
    Mom asking about marriage and finding a man for me.
    Feeling low.
    But I am enjoying my time away from many other things
    Health is getting better. I am happy about it
    But still
    Feeling low and dull
    Meemee

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:49pm

  61. 61: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Bliss – I used to feel uncomfortable going out alone, and babystepping out to do it has changed my life… I feel so free and empowered and proud of myself and less lonely than before

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:50pm

  62. 62: LeoNo Gravatar says:

    Bliss,

    I know how it is that when you wanna go out no one is available. here in Germany you often have those “outside-bars” where a bar has an outside area like a garden. In the summer I go there by myself if the garden is nice, just take a book and enjoy the warmth. Dont need anyone else to do this.

    Tomorrow my man’s daugher is coming over and spending the night and I will stay at his place too. Its always a challenge cause he often gets stressed out with “two girls around”. Then his mood jumps over to me. One time, we were down town at an Easter Market shopping, we decided we should take a little break from each other. So he went of for a half an hour, cooled off, and then got back to us :D
    I think i will have some opportunity to work on myself and the mood changes.
    And generally being more self-confident,

    I hope you will have some progress on that topic too!

    We just have to believe in ourselves!
    We are awesome!
    :)

    -Leo-

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:51pm

  63. 63: Soul SistaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria ~ i sent you an invite on Facebook :) i have not thought at all about anything you may have said to me and i don’t even know what you are talking about!

    see what we do? LOL!

    as i was saying before i left for AZ with my mom…i take full responsibility for changing my reactions in regards to men and relationships and relationships in general.

    for me, i got professional help from a facilitator from The Field Center. $125 – best money i ever spent in my ENTIRE LIFE. i was also able to clear a lifelong resentment i had toward my mother and able to really be here for her because my brother died 4 weeks ago.

    i am now clear and when you are clear…you enjoy Rori’s tools :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:54pm

  64. 64: MeemeeNo Gravatar says:

    I went to meet my grandparents
    Cooked for them
    Happy :)
    Meemee

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 12:56pm

  65. 65: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    My 40th birthday is Thursday. If I dide, I wouldn’t give a shit.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:00pm

  66. 66: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Fw – this sounds like my home!!! With the parental criticism and freezing up instead of saying I don’t want to be talked to that way. Babysteps. Super scary healing. Super scary.

    When you said you always have an easy time standing up for yourself, I imagined you as that You would not have these same problems. You’d always be able to stand up for you.

    So I feel touched and reassured and excited to hear that you have similar challenges, because I probably look strong and tough and powerful like you then to outside.

    Well I don’t want to trigger you with tough’. I know how tough is and I used it to shield my actually very vulnerable girl.

    Here’s to our healing and our Babysteps.

    I feel wowed by the powerful cathartic effect the EFT seems to be having on you from over here.

    I feel like crying now and I don’t know why

    Can’t see screen anymore

    Lobe Daria

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:03pm

  67. 67: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn:

    You remind me of me when I feel super hungry.

    Life sucks, everything sucks and then I miraculously feel better after I eat something.

    Don’t know if that’s what is going on with you.

    I feel worried this post is just going to piss you off.

    Hope not! (((hugs)))

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:05pm

  68. 68: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    The friends who instigated planning my party are already flaking. There are stat updates all over my fb page of me expressing my excitement about celebrating. Everyone but Adam has commented. A $2k photo job just got canceled and meanwhile I’m growing debt up to my ears because my bff and I are filming a documentary on a show string budget and I hate working with him because all he does is complain I’m not doig stuff rigth and when I ask what needs to be done, he just shakes his head and mutters that I’m not focusses otherwise I’d know what needs to be done. I fail at relationships, i fail at work, i fail at friendships, i just wasnt meant to be here on this earth.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:07pm

  69. 69: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    i ate already. hungry isnt the issue

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:08pm

  70. 70: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    and i feel so nervous shooting stuff in front of my friend because he’s so more tech advanced than i am, i get even more nervous. if he yells at me i just accept it. i consider it paying my dues or else i’ll be stuck shooting pics of girls with dildos in their twats forever.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:13pm

  71. 71: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: I don’t really know what to say. I want to offer support and friendship yet I’m not sure how to help.

    How can I support you?

    I’d like to tell you NV’s to stuff it. But I guess we’re supposed to give them a hug or cookie or something.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:15pm

  72. 72: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    if he forgets his tripod, i’m the one to blame for not reminding him. stuff likethat. i just go dead inside and pretend its not happening. how’s THAT for ‘it’s your stuff’ and doing a great job at ignoring my triggers.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:15pm

  73. 73: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    And I’d also like to tell your bff to start acting like one. I feel annoyed by how he treats you.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:17pm

  74. 74: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Now i’m remembering, which relates to this post, how i told adam i’m feeling left out in his life. as in why does facebook get the big news on something about his job before his own gf? told him i’m cool with how hard he works but i just need to feel like i matter somewhere up there. he said ‘eventually, we’re all responsible for our own feelings.’ yep, moral of rori’s story is its our fault for being into connecting and communicating.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:19pm

  75. 75: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #65 #68 Oh, Kaitlyn, dear…
    :-(
    Haven’t you’ve been through bad times before? When money was scarce? Remember those times, and that there’s always sun after the rain. Isn’t there a fun friend somewhere who is good at cheering you up? Would a hug help?
    (((Kaitlyn)))
    Oops, sry, I forgot, I’m wet and I smell like a muddy pond!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:22pm

  76. 76: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I GO DEAD INSIDE AND PRETEND IT’S NOT HAPPENING; HENCE WHY I ADE SUCH A GREAT WHORE.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:23pm

  77. 77: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    scrace? i’m in freakin debt just like before paris. and no way can i whore again. i just can’t. adam ruined that for me.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:25pm

  78. 78: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Jean, Bliss; thank you. I’m realising that I almost aggressively give to him sometimes in a really insistent way. Not at all in a soft, feminine way. I will try the ‘freeze’ next time. However I’m worried that by deciding to ‘freeze’ that means I now have expectations of him paying. Expectations are leaning forward. The conflict in my beliefs/wants is annoying me. I guess I need to get clear on being happy to recieve and focus more on that than the the resistance. Maybe focus on being worthy of recieving.

    My Dad is REALLY adverse to giving anything to anyone and as a consequence is not in my life, something which must not be coincidental.

    Hmmm….I’m scared that recieving will leave me wanting and not getting. Wanting and recieving feel so closely linked to me and I know that’s not how Rori teaches it. I guess that’s why recieving makes me feel vulnerable and giving makes me feel powerful as then I’ll never be left wanting and not getting what I want. I want to trust that I will ALWAYS get what I need from either myself or a man and it doesn’t really matter which of us is giving me what I need as I will ALWAYS be able to give myself what I need. That feels good, peaceful.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:25pm

  79. 79: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    73 I can’t because he tells me i’m just being defensive and he’ll start throwing things or driving the car super aggressively. one day i hope we back into another car and i die.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:27pm

  80. 80: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Jacqueline and Daria.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:28pm

  81. 81: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn it seems you are hooked into the drama but I like your straight arrow shooting with the way you feel. I kind of feel like Boomer about your posting but I also know you are wading your way through the soup and muck. You will get to the top one of these days and I know you will find that man who is able to love you just the way you are. Your bluntness is adorable.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:30pm

  82. 82: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #77 Sry, I ain’t got an easy solution for this, neither, or else I wouldn’t be so broke…

    Sry, it looks like my comments only make it worse for you. Maybe you girls need a masculine free blog for some hours now…

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:30pm

  83. 83: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I hear you speaking out a lot of your NVs. How do you feel about just writing your feelings? Scared, angry etc? Sometimes I find just letting them flow out of me and then taking care of myself (hug, tears, whatever) really helps rather than searching for a solution or fix. x

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:32pm

  84. 84: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 72 I know how that feels. I had a guy who used to tell me he was late because I did not wake him up. It triggered me so badly but when I pointed it out to him he would apologize and then he learnt to change his speech. I said that feels bad and I feel blamed.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:32pm

  85. 85: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn:

    “he said ‘eventually, we’re all responsible for our own feelings.”

    this is a true statement, but the big but here is that being responsible for one’s own feelings is definitely not mutually exclusive with caring about your significant other’s feelings.

    So, if he doesn’t care about your feelings…..what else is there to say?

    And, i might add…that is no reflection on you, the way you think it is.

    Also, I don’t like it one bit how your bff is treating you, but he is letting you know that your obsession with Adam is f*cking with your focus, concentration, your life.

    love ya, kaitlyn, hang in there with all of us !!

    xxxooo

    That is the question.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:32pm

  86. 86: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    why are you suggesting leaving the board just because i wasn’t melting upon your post to me? get a grip. people here like your advice. not all of us are just here to have men on board to just be an ear or kiss our ass.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:33pm

  87. 87: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    85 honestly i havent even been thinking about him because this documentary consumes my every thought. another eason why i havent been on here much.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:35pm

  88. 88: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 77 Could his purpose in your life have been to show you that you should value yourself? It seems like the memory of him brings out a lot of toxicity and NVs so you can hear and see yourself and then to move to healing.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:35pm

  89. 89: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn sweetie, my heart hurts and I wish I could be there to give you a hug and take you out to do something fun.

    You don’t deserve to be treated that way by your bff.

    We all love you hear. We see you light and intelligence and beauty.

    You don’t deserve the self-hatred that you are pouring over yourself.

    So what, you had sex for money. Big deal! It’s your body. You didn’t hurt anyone. It’s sex.

    Do you feel angry with yourself? Do you think you deserve to be treated like crap by your bff?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:36pm

  90. 90: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Corin,

    I’m writing my feelings out. here.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:36pm

  91. 91: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 86 kaitlyn maybe he is inviting you to practice melting?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:36pm

  92. 92: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn!!! Stop. Do the stop sign. Stop stop stop. Not writing, stop this line of thought and make a right turn, a left turn an any turn!!!!

    I feel scared for you because I believe that if you do not find a way (and it might be a miracle happens – I’m open to any way) to love yourself, no one’s going to be able to do this for you.

    Call ADAM!!! Is it possible for you to feel any worse? If he can’t make you hurt worse, then what do you have to lose?

    If he makes you feel better that would be wonderful.

    If you read this and you think oh, nooooooo….I just can’t – there’s your answer.

    Does your friend think you stink at documentaries? I know he doesn’t sound especially supportive…but would he have you there if he did. You aren’t as experienced, of course there’s a learning curve.

    Find someone somewhere somehow to help you, to hold you to give to you what you can’t give to yourself – unconditional approval, acceptance and love.

    please please please please please please

    Tell Brenda how she can help you – she’s GREAT at that, and look she manifested a miracle out of a dog bite and a hospital trip. Tell someone.

    Or just write it out – we are ALL here with you -me and who knows how many people who aren’t writing – maybe 200?!

    You are not alone.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:37pm

  93. 93: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    the thought of another guy except adam touching me SICKENS ME

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:38pm

  94. 94: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    91 i know how to frickin melt. i did that with adam. thats how i felt being with him.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:41pm

  95. 95: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    87. well, i feel you in a lot of pain, and we all wish we could help you. still….it’s your process, and I honor that. you know we’re here for you. i hope working on the documentary will give you a lot of joy. :-)

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:41pm

  96. 96: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 94 I honor you kaitlyn, melting is not the easiet thing for me to do. I am learning now with EFT. As it helps me change my beliefs and my blocks I find myself melting and crying a lot.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:44pm

  97. 97: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Even though I feel all this pain and anger, I love myself deeply and profoundly.

    Even though I feel all this fear I accept myself.

    I release all the pain, the anger, and the fear.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:47pm

  98. 98: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: is there any way you can find a part of you that can hug your little girl who is hurting inside?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:48pm

  99. 99: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    And do the stop sign tool to quiet the nv’s?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:49pm

  100. 100: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 66 I would not say I froze, I kept asking what did I do. I was more focussed on pleasing and I guess validation. I kept the conversation going the whole time and don’t even remember feeling anything in my body. Maybe I went numb??? hhhmmmm

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:51pm

  101. 101: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I’ve just re- read your posts today and the only feeling you’ve written is “nervous”. I’m guessing you feel a lot more than nervous. I know this is quite possibly going to come across as debating semantics and nit picking but I REALLY do find that stepping out of the thoughts, judgements, assumptions, etc and into feelings (scared, angry ets) helps. Otherwise we stay trapped in a negative loop of a thoughts and resist giving ourselves love and comfort.

    I would love to see you list all the feelings going through you right now but accept you might not be in a place to want to hear/ do that.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:51pm

  102. 102: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    By the way Jacqueline it is my home. What I thought about afterwards is can you imagine at my age, with two kids and in my home they are treating me this way.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:52pm

  103. 103: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I am wondering if anything specific happened today that triggered these feelings?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:54pm

  104. 104: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #87 Kaitlyn, I understand many of your negative feelings come from the documentary? Afraid of the unfamiliar challenges in that? Try making a list of all the stuff you know about filming, to get away from the negative focus. And then think about the ways you can put your experiences to good use. And don’t forget you once started with the porno shoots, too, and it worked out well. Yes, you can!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 1:55pm

  105. 105: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 104 You know you might be on to something there. Kaitlyn I am wondering if what you are experiencing now is fear of failure or is it fear of success?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:00pm

  106. 106: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby – yeah, that was me who’s painting my ‘the one’. I love your idea! Please share more as you go along.

    I got my drawing done today (but not my ‘the one’ painting) – so I’m painting Sat evening. Then I have one more painting to before I do my ‘the one’. Really looking forward to it :)

    Jacqueline – thanks for posting to me on the other thread. I really like how Dr. Paul talks about looking at a man’s resources broadly.

    I feel more free and at ease now with this. I thought something was ‘wrong’ with me when I would observe and consider these things in men. Then somehow, I would doubt myself and be with men who could not give me these things. Feel guilty and shameful for what I felt/ wanted. Now I see that it’s just a part of my femininity…. and expressing my femininity is powerful! I love this!! :)

    Daria – thanks for responding to my EFT Question. FW, TMizz – I hope you received my acknowledgment. Yeah, I’ve got started and it’s working/ helping… I think. I do feel something shift…

    DE – thanks for your post to me on the other thread. I feel good letting go of judgments. I see how based in my trauma of my past with ex-bf that was. I’m better now.

    This post from Rori was so timely. I remember writing a couple times on the last post that ‘who knows what he’s thinking’. I feel so happy that Rori affirmed this. Now I can just practice and see what opens up :)

    xoxo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:00pm

  107. 107: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Summerbaby: I love your idea of the hike meditation and holding hands pictures.

    I might have to borrow both. :-)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:03pm

  108. 108: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    this is so weird – I don’t have voice right now. Aaagh it feels bad. at first I kinda liked it. And at first I thought it was hilarious to think of Phoebe from Friends wanting to keep her “sexy voice” but now I feel scared!! I want my voice back!!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:03pm

  109. 109: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn is getting bombarded with suggestions and love.

    You still there Kaitlyn?

    If you just want to riff too please don’t let us distract you. It’s just that we all really care.

    (((hugs)))

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:06pm

  110. 110: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    RE: 104.
    I don’t believe there is any such thing as ‘negative feelings’, only those we are more comfortable in embracing and those we are less so, and therefore have developed unhealthy ways of dealing with.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:07pm

  111. 111: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am here to have men just be an ear and kiss my ass!

    Mm I feel angry!

    Why do I feel triggered?

    I love my heat.

    It sounds like it’s not ‘good’ to just want men to listen to me and be kind to me.

    Like this is ‘weak’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘selfish’ ?

    Ok to feelings

    I feel tingling in the back of my neck.

    I feel sigh

    I frell tummy turn

    I feel pinch in cheek

    I feel hot in abdomen

    I feel angry

    I feel tight in shoulders

    I feel big breath

    I feel pinching in temple on right

    I feel tingling in thigh on right

    I feel big breath

    I feel spine curved

    I feel heavy arms head

    I live all my feelings

    I feel pinched index finger

    I feel big breath

    I feel hmmf

    I feel smile

    I feel tingly abdomen

    I feel big breath

    I feel hot abdomen

    I feel tingling brain

    I feel dizzy

    I feel breath

    I feel tight in abdomen

    I feel pout

    I feel heavier bending spine

    I feel big breath

    I feel tingling toes

    I feel pinching right shoulder

    I feel nausea

    I feel vibrating ear

    I feel tingling thumb

    I feel breath

    I feel tingling left pinky

    I love my feelings

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:09pm

  112. 112: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    FW – yes, I understood that and it made me feel worse. I think it has something to do with how we auto-regress around family? When I had to fight my brother and his lawyer because they’d changed my mother’s will – it’s a lot of sh*t story, but his real estate lawyer wrote my mother’s will, my mother made a last minute chage and they – brother and lawyer – made key changes to the wording of it saying I would have to go occupy the house and live in it to keep it…without telling her. I had witnesses. Awful stuff…

    anyway at that time, I realised that I did that, too. I regressed and he subconciously upgressed to thinking he could cower me and boss me and not pay back thousands of dollars he owed her.

    His lawyer made him, he’d taken the paperwork from the house – I still don’t know how she did that – but I really got a graphic realization that I literally could not afford to be anything less than my grown up best self with him, or my sister.

    If I let them put me in the role of little sister I can push over easily….they would make decisions that would affect the rest of my life – and NOT in my best interest.

    I know it must be 100 times harder with them in your home and being your parents; and that’s such a loving gesture and so grand on your part and then to have it trivialized…is really sad. I’m sorry – and maybe it’s just their pattern or maybe they can’t let themselves think of any way other than you are their child so they get to beat you up the way they **always** have?

    But you know better, you know how strong you are, how loving and how giving. And you can break thru those old patterns and re-parent yourself. And know you’re “high value.” You having them there is a very high value thing, and speaks volumes about how capable, smart, loving and tolerant you are – whether they ever see it or not. I do – it’s hugely generous and loving.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:10pm

  113. 113: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((Kaitlyn))),

    A few days ago, I told a little bit about a deer I tried to rescue off the highway. I poured out my love on that broken little deer, and then it hit me a couple days later, that deer was me.

    I so relate to you, because I have not felt a will to live in recent weeks, in my process of walking away from Ryan. It’s not so much that I’ve been suicidal…I just haven’t felt a desire to live. I had chosen the quit option. I was spending much of my days laying in bed, curled up cuddling with my dogs.

    I seek comfort, warmth, love, tenderness, caring, and understanding.

    One place I seek it is in food: it touches me; it’s soft, warm; feels good; fills me. I have realized I have had a love affair with food, because I didn’t have the love of a man. But it’s self-defeating, self-sabotaging. My body doesn’t need more nutrition – my heart does.

    I heard the story of a Navy Seal on Sunday, who wrote a book, “Sole Survivor”. He survived an ambush by 150 Afghan soldiers while he was with a group of 20 Navy Seals. He talked mostly about their training, which led up to the incident.

    They were given severe physical training that was painful and nearly impossible. They were given a bell to ring that was their quit option, if it got to be too much. But it was with the understanding that once they rang the quit bell, there was no second chance to become a Navy Seal. Experience had shown that once a man quits, he will quit again, often in the heat of battle.

    So this Navy Seal determined there WAS no quit option. And the talk I heard about it encouraged listeners to remove the quit option. I didn’t know how, because Ryan shattered my hopes and dreams. But I determined to remove the quit option.

    It was that night when my dogs bit a man, and on the way home from the hospital, around 3 am, that I saw Bambi laying in the middle of two lanes of a highway. I turned around, and I lifted him with my arms around his ribcage, locking my hands under his chest, and carried him off the road onto the grass.

    I took my dogs home, contacted a bunch of wildlife rehabs on the internet and by phone, and I returned, 25 miles away, to the deer. It was now 5:30 am. Traffic was heavier, and the deer was tiring, but obviously terrified being next to traffic in the grass.

    I lifted him again, setting him inside the back of my station wagon. Later the rehab people told me he was a one year old buck, about 150 lbs. It had to be adrenaline that enabled me to even lift him, because I am in poor shape after 2 months of bronchitis this winter.

    I left him on a crib mattress and sleeping bag in my car while I slept from 6:30 am – 10:30 am. I made more calls, finally finding a rehab that would take him and not just tell me to call the cops and let them shoot him.

    I drove 1.5 hours to the wildlife rehab, even tho they told me they would probably have to put him down. On the trip there, Bambi positioned his face about 6 inches from my face, and I looked into the gentle soul of a deer. I felt trust and thanks in that beautiful moment.

    Even tho they had to put him down, he died compassionately, in the hands of compassionate people. And he was removed from the terror of cars and trucks inches from his broken body. And he knew the safety of love and compassion in his moment of need.

    In rescuing Bambi, I felt a shift in my passion for life. It started to creep back. It hit me on Tuesday that I lifted me out of the middle of the highway. I went out of my way to lift me into my car, and spent a half tank of gas and half a day to take me to a rehab. I did everything in my power so I would live.

    Kaitlyn, will you love you? Will you pick yourself up off the highway, and remove yourself from the danger of being in the emotionally abusive friendship with your bff who is damaging you? Will you remove yourself from the danger of your death wish and drive yourself to a place that will give you free, emotional, professional help?

    We need to be loved. And, as hard as it is, that love must start with us loving ourselves. I still hurt, and I still feel grieved that the man I loved the most hurt me. I still want to be held by a loving, accepting man. I still spent half the day curled up in bed with my dogs today. I am not saying overnight I am magically healthy and happy again.

    But that’s where Rori’s baby steps come in. Today I loved me by taking care of me by taking time to love me. I loved me by calling a few loving, supportive friends and family who know me well. I loved myself by seeking warmth and softness on my email and internet. So here’s a hug for you, and a prayer that you will give yourself a hug and big salad, too!

    Feel free to email me at brendaearthlink@yahoo.com.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:14pm

  114. 114: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Three things…no, wait…four:

    - I think I passed my kidney stone last night. No definitive “plink” in the potty, but I feel better and the pressure is gone. Yay me!

    - I lost .8 pound this week on WeightWatchers, despite hving eaten a pie (yes, not a piece..a PIE) and a large mixing bowl of macaroni salad on Mother’s Day. For a grand total of 1.2 pounds in three weeks. Yay me AGAIN! It’s nice to know I can have my pie and lose (a little) weight too.

    - It is my lovely eldest child’s 18t birthday. I cannot believe she is this beautiful woman and frankly, that I am old enough to have an adult daughter. Yikes! I remember looking into her lovely blue eyes the moment I got to first hold her and saying to her daddy, “We made this!”

    And now the angst:

    - BigBandLeader has not called to confirm tomorrow night. I have a NV that says he’s just going to blow me off. Do I text him to confirm? At what point? I have my wine class tomorrow night (“Taste Like a Sommelier” – which begs the question, what does a sommelier taste like? Salty? Ha! I kill me!)….and I’ll need to bring stuff to change into and to clean up with before I meet him. I have this awful feeling that I am going to bring all this stuff along so I can be super-cute for him, and he won’t have confirmed!!!

    Have any of the rest of you had this feeling before??? You’re shaving your legs in the shower or doing your hair, and you just KNOW he’s not gonna show?? I can recall three other times when I had that sinking sense that I was being stood up, and I was. Maybe I MADE it so by giving it energy. Hmmm…

    Well, even if he does not confirm, I will bring my get-pretty things, flirt like a crazy woman at the wine class, and then go find something to do where I can look fabulous for strangers!

    Yay me INDEED!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:15pm

  115. 115: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    110: Corin says:

    RE: 104.
    I don’t believe there is any such thing as ‘negative feelings’, only those we are more comfortable in embracing and those we are less so, and therefore have developed unhealthy ways of dealing with.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:07pm

    Thanks for sharing that. It’s got me thinking.

    I do see your point.

    It’s along the same lines as Rori suggesting that we love our anger, for example.

    And that has worked for me.

    At the same time, I see my “negative feelings” (for lack of a better word) as an indicator that I am thinking something that my inner wisdom knows isn’t true.

    I can flip whatever thoughts I am thinking and feeling good is my indicator that I am on the right track with my thoughts.

    I can see how these two beliefs could work together.

    As in, I can embrace my anger and really feel it as a way to get in touch with the guidance they provide and I can also choose to let it go when I am able to move to a better feeling.

    But maybe we have to be able to embrace it first before releasing….

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:18pm

  116. 116: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    OK,I feel like a turd for writing all about myself after reading Brenda’s lovely post.

    Brenda, you are so full of compassion and wisdom. I am in awe.

    Kait–listen to her, baby girl!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:19pm

  117. 117: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    That did not feel good to read.

    I felt like I got punched in the stomach reading that.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:24pm

  118. 118: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay to me for finding the feeling under the anger. First time ever.

    Woo hoo.

    Arms were feeling tingly like punching.

    Self defense.

    Unraveling feelings works.

    Big breath.

    Thank you shoulder you can relax.

    Shoulder feels ready to right hook somebody.

    :)

    Thank you shoulder.

    I feel protected.

    You can relax now shoulder, thank you.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:26pm

  119. 119: DENo Gravatar says:

    Brenda #113:

    I felt tearful reading it and felt deeply inspired…Thank you…

    Warm hugs,

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:33pm

  120. 120: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    LG,
    Yes that’s similar to what I believe. I worry that labelling a feeling ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ can encourage stuffing or pushing away and avoiding the feeling. Resistance to letting them flow. Feelings are a core part of ourselves and so cannot be bad or negative in my opinion. They are simply our truth.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:35pm

  121. 121: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    This ‘had to put him down’ thing triggers ne so much!

    Omgosh.

    Other incidents in life remind me of this.

    Feel angry at What I ‘see’ in my mind about this.

    Feel powerless and judgemental.

    Feel small and powerless.

    Feel sad pouty.

    Feel anger.

    Feel blaming.

    :(

    Feel crying.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:36pm

  122. 122: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    I feel triggered when I see people write ‘that felt bad’ and feel an urge to ask them to explore the actual feeling- fear, frustration, anxiety etc. ‘Bad’ is not a feeling in my view, more a thought, a judgement. I guess I feel anxious, worried when they write ‘bad’ as though I believe some resistance and judgement of themself or others is going on.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:39pm

  123. 123: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    RE: #116 – Thank you for the rich compliment! And congratulations on your weight loss!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:41pm

  124. 124: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    DE,

    Thank you, and you’re welcome!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:45pm

  125. 125: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    122: Corin says:

    I feel triggered when I see people write ‘that felt bad’ and feel an urge to ask them to explore the actual feeling- fear, frustration, anxiety etc. ‘Bad’ is not a feeling in my view, more a thought, a judgement. I guess I feel anxious, worried when they write ‘bad’ as though I believe some resistance and judgement of themself or others is going on.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:39pm

    Ya, I hear you on that.

    I’m feeling a bit perplexed because I totally get what you are saying and agree.

    Judgment as a concept has been in the forefront of my experience lately. I’ve been feeling understanding that when we start to label things as good or bad, we get ourselves in a bind because everything is neutral until we place meaning on it.

    At the same time, we do have feelings that either feel good or feel bad and I do believe that this is important feedback for us.

    I’m trying to make sense of this in my head. :-)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 2:56pm

  126. 126: CorinNo Gravatar says:

    LG,

    I agree. My perspective is that maybe the feedback is a signal of how well or not well we have learnt to cope with those feelings or what judgments we have internalised about them rather than about the actual feelings themselves. It’s a chance to heal these judgements. I prefer a healthy- unhealthy or well- unwell continuum to good- bad as it feels less black and white and offers more room for love acceptance. Maybe one day with less judgement we will be able to feel fear for example and really enjoy it for the energy and brink of excitement that it brings.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:09pm

  127. 127: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe good and bad are not judgements in this case but actual in the body feelings that are named by me good and bad

    I enjoy saying I feel good

    Hmm it could be my heart feels warm

    I feel pleasure I feel pain

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:25pm

  128. 128: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Hi Sirens,

    Kaitlyn, I hate to hear you in so much pain. My suggestion would be to go someplace private where you can SCREAM. I mean really SCREAM until you don’t feel like screaming anymore. I don’t think you mean the words you are saying, but trying to talk through the anger and pain, comes out in shocking statements. If you could just scream it out, might make you feel better. I think you are right to focus on yourself and your career right now, rather than finding a man. If you could get to your best self, or even just non-hating yourself self, you’ll feel better whether there is a man in your life or not. The bff sounds like an ass, but I do understand sometimes we don’t have a choice of who is in our professional lives. I’d call him something other than BFF though. BFF’s love and care for us, not berate and harm us.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:35pm

  129. 129: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Brenda, thank you for sharing the deer story. You remind me a lot of my sister, and she’s finally taking steps toward new ground also. It’s good to see her happy again. :) I’m so happy for you. That was so insightful.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:36pm

  130. 130: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Turquoise! Also, I like to go in nature and scream and cry, too. Once I made the mistake of screaming by my mailbox when I didn’t get a letter from my boyfriend one too many times. Someone heard me and called the police. It was so mortifying when they came to my door, asking if anyone was hurt.

    Yeah, I was hurt all right, the story of my life. No more.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:43pm

  131. 131: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I made a realization today too… something that has been nagging me for awhile.

    I am a crumb taker. Some people are addicts, I am an addict to taking less than I deserve in relationships.

    I stay long past when I should leave a relationship.

    I am often the one left, because after giving me crumbs for so long, and my gladly accepting them, men walk away.

    I tell myself I’m understanding of their busy lives and responsibilities. I’m not pushing for more when they aren’t ready. I’m patient. I wait. I don’t rock the boat. Something is better than nothing. I am done with that crap.

    I ended it with Tom tonight. It’s probably not the Rori way…. but I feel ok about it.

    I texted him earlier today to see if he’d be in town this weekend. He wrote back no, he’s going to Erie. His ex and their dogs live in Erie. When I stopped hearing from him last time, he’d gone to Erie for a friend’s birthday. So, I asked if they were trying to work things out. He said they are just friends, which, he’s told me from the beginning. I wrote back ok, just not often I have a whole weekend to myself. Would have been nice to see you. No reply. So, I thought about it for awhile, and decided that if he’d rather go see his dogs, from a relationship that ended years ago, than spend time with me… that is crumbs. They are dogs. I know we love our pets, but come on!

    So, I waited awhile and then wrote:

    Hey, been thinking a lot about this, and this isn’t going to be enough for me. I like being with you, just want more of a relationship. Maybe we can be friends.

    He wrote back, I understand.

    I waited a little bit, thought some more and said, This just feels like friends with benefits now, and that feels bad. You just disappeared on me before, that says a lot to me about how you feel.

    No response.

    So, not that I wrote it on here, I’m deleting all the texts from my phone and putting it behind me. THat probably sounds blaming or negative, I probably didn’t do the feeling messages right…. but this is new territory for me. I’m always the one who stays, who understands… I can’t do that anymore.

    If he were the one, then spending time with me would be a priority. It wouldn’t be texting me the day of, asking if I want to get together. He’s a nice guy, the chemistry was great.. but is a few hours of pleasure a few times a month worth keeping myself in a crumb taking situation? I think not. I may get lonely, I know I’ll miss the sex, but I need a step up man in my life, or I’ll be content to spend time with friends, meeting new men who may be my step up guy… and working on myself. I know I’ll miss him, but that is ok. This just isn’t enough for me. I deserve more.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:46pm

  132. 132: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    If I had harbored any doubt, I now know for certain this thing about myself: I need my man to be at least as smart as I am. Emotionally, I need his intellectual support. I feel glad to have confirmed this.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:52pm

  133. 133: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs Turquoise! Sounds like you took a stand for what you know will bring you happiness in the long term. :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:52pm

  134. 134: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I am way behind on reading comments… busy week with my parents coming and daughter’s graduation Saturday… sending love to you all and looking forward to catching up with you later. <3 Lucy

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:55pm

  135. 135: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks Mel. Taking the girls out to dinner now, they’ll be with their dad all weekend. This weeking will only be full of things that feel really good to me. I’m happy.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 3:57pm

  136. 136: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    113. Brenda

    Beautiful.

    Just Beautiful.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 4:08pm

  137. 137: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Good on ya, Turquoise 3!!!

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 4:08pm

  138. 138: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    LG, Corin
    am enjoying your convo

    “Maybe one day with less judgement we will be able to feel fear for example and really enjoy it for the energy and brink of excitement that it brings.”

    yes! opening up and receiving all the gifts that ANY feeling brings instead of choosing limitation, and labeling them negative/positive as in undesirable and desirable.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 4:15pm

  139. 139: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling a little blue. I asked Steve if I could come by and clean house because he’s very tired and his brother is a lot of work with his illness. Anyway, I went to his house but he asked me after an hour how long I can stay? I sensed he needed to do some things. He said he was going to boil some potatoes and go out and get the rest of their dinner. So about 1/2 hour later I just said, ” I probably better be going now.” I get the feeling that he didn’t want me to stay long again. He’s done this before. Sort of act like his brother wants me out of there…..or does Steve?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 4:24pm

  140. 140: AmazingMeNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda that story is quite a tear jerker for me, I am so sympathetic and being a nurse is what I was made for but empathy is the road they ask you to take. I feel so much feeling for anything or anyone that are in undeserved pain or agony. It breaks my heart so I love what you did, amazing, yes I will stop and move the turtle off the road before someone runs over it :) You know amongst all things in life to know you have that love and compassion to bless another being with is an amazing gift….

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:02pm

  141. 141: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Aaaaawwww Jeannette. How are you otherwise?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:18pm

  142. 142: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    TURQUOISE, YOU ROCK!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:27pm

  143. 143: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise3 I felt an emptiness reading that, kind of like fear. I understand your choice and wish that your dreams come true.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:27pm

  144. 144: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth: I am enjoying the conversation too.

    And I love the quote you posted too yet I feel incomplete with it.

    For me, there is more to the story.

    For example, BK says if we feel bad :-) about something it means the thought is untrue. She says to question our stressful thoughts.

    But now as I type that I feel a greater understanding.

    “Maybe one day with less judgement we will be able to feel fear for example and really enjoy it for the energy and brink of excitement that it brings.”

    I see a BK or AH turnaround within this statement itself.

    It’s basically changing a thought

    “fear feels bad”

    to

    “fear feels great…like excitement.”

    which is a perfect example of what I was saying that how we feel is guidance for if we are in alignment with something.

    Ok, my mind is spinning and I feel uncertain if I am making much sense at this point. But I get it within myself and that feels expanding and like a little breakthru. Feels cohesive.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:28pm

  145. 145: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I love exploring this! Thanks to all participating!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:33pm

  146. 146: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t see the underpinnings of Rori’s advice to be “boys will be boys” at ALL. I see it more as “he better treat you perfectly,” and then she provides us with tools to know the difference and not sabotage his ability or desire to treat you perfectly (when he is indeed equipped for that). Or the tools to inform a man on how we expect to be treated too!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:39pm

  147. 147: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 112 Thank you Jacqueline for those heartfelt words . It is really understanding of the situation I have lived with and am living with. Rori has helped me to realize that they are doing the best they know how so I try to be philosophical about the situation. I know now that it is the reason I have been unconsciously afraid of intimacy but I am babystepping my way out of it. Acknowledging what it was though feels really scary and intimidating.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:40pm

  148. 148: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Rori,

    This was a nice article. I can relate to the feeling of a brick being lodged in my belly!

    However, getting a man to open up should not be the goal. Since he is a man! That can come later.

    It’s not advice I’d give, since this is still coming from the perspective of “need”.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:42pm

  149. 149: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    turquoise, i meant you rock from what i read earlier about you dumping that guy. i havent read all the way down tho..

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:44pm

  150. 150: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda that story really tugged at my heart. Thanks for sharing.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:44pm

  151. 151: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, like I said, I’m a little blue tonight. Steve called me and didn’t even thank me for coming by and cleaning up the house some……maybe, I’ll just stop volunteering until he misses me more. Some disfunction around his family, I can see…nothing I can do anything about though. I’m sort of just giving up I guess, can’t see any answers here. Even if Rick dies, which he will, Steve and I don’t have a solid do-able game plan. I need some joy in my life.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:44pm

  152. 152: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    This is my 11th day without a cigarette, and my hair smells amazing:)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:46pm

  153. 153: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise @ 128

    That is such a great suggestion, “to go someplace private where you can SCREAM. I mean really SCREAM until you don’t feel like screaming anymore”.

    There was a time in my life (13 yrs ago?) when I had come back to the family business after doing my own thing for a long time. My parents were so supportive and wanted me there but my brother was very resentful and openly hostile and nasty towards me. I’m sure it was mostly about him feeling jealous, thinking that if my father was listening to my point of view, it meant that his was being rejected. He became so angry whenever I spoke up that I mostly just kept quiet whenever he was around. I was living with my parents at the time and they knew some of what was going on but I didn’t want them dragged into the muck or feeling like they had to take sides so I just kept quiet.

    It got too much for me, I was crying myself to sleep at night. One night I just got in the car and drove to a really quiet road and stopped and just started SCREAMING! I yelled every abusive word I knew at my brother. I screamed and yelled and cried and banged on the steering wheel. I had a tantrum.

    I think that night flipped a switch for me, I stopped taking the things he said to me and behind my back personally. I realised it was his stuff. I just didn’t care anymore.

    We get along ok these days and have our own separate businesses. There is no fighting and we are quite friendly. He apologised for some of his treatment of me and I accepted that but I don’t think we will ever be close, the trust is gone.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 5:52pm

  154. 154: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel silly…there wasn’t a whole lot to scroll down through. feeling embarrassed of my clarification to turquoise about what i meant when i said she rocks.

    blah

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:00pm

  155. 155: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannette sounds like a plan to me. What brings you joy? Have you ever explored that?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:04pm

  156. 156: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks Dorothea :) I appreciate that!

    Rivergirl…. I heard it on the radio one time, about how theraputic it is to scream, yet most of us can’t find that “voice” and let it go…. so while I was driving, I just tried it. It was a lot harder than I thought to force out a scream. I usually cry a lot, but that can take days to release what I’m feeling. BUT, sometimes a really good scream makes me feel better instantly. Sometimes, it even makes me start laughing. I’m sure I look like a crazy person… but it makes me feel better!

    FW, I’m not afraid, but I know it’s not going to be an overnight change. I’ve accepted crumbs from the men in my life for a very long time. I’m a little sad that Tom didn’t say, “No, I want you in my life. Please give me a chance to prove it!” But I’m ok that he didn’t.

    I am really done trying to make something into something. If the right guy shows up for me, things will work out. It has in the past. Maybe they weren’t my forever guy, but they were what I needed at the time. I’m more ready now for something long term. Am I 100% ready? No, I feel too attached to my ex. I need to work through that.

    In the meantime, I’m excited to build a friendship with Mike. No one has ever made me laugh the way he did that night. If we can make a friendship, that would feel amazing to have that in my life. I’ve never tried to be friends with a guy first… so maybe it is a better route to go? No expectations though. I’m just excited to try being friends with a guy.

    :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:12pm

  157. 157: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Dorothea… you rock!!!! 11 days???? That is awesome!!! :) Good for you!!! Can’t wait to hear when you say it’s been 15, then 30 and on and on.

    I’m counting calories, drinking water and starting to exercise. Getting healthy is the siren thing to do it seems :)

    We are having one hell of a storm here in Pittsburgh. The girls and I got DRENCHED coming out of Olive Garden. By the way, my waiter didn’t charge me for the girls’ soup and salads… I gave him a big tip :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:15pm

  158. 158: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Turquoise3 now I know you rock. You seem to be consciously making choices with a plan in mind. I was tempted to say before that Tom might eventually feel challenged and try to step up. Now I feel confident that he will try somehow, your vibe is really coming through.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:16pm

  159. 159: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,
    How do you feel about seeing someone who has training, experience, licensing as a mental health professional? Have you? My gut feelings, as well as my thoughts are that you, at this time, would benefit from someone with higher education in psychology and clinical experience, in addition to an internet support group.

    What do you think?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:26pm

  160. 160: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks FW :) I appreciate that. It would be nice if he did…. but I’m just going to keep moving forward with my life and see what happens.

    I really thought he could have been the one, which is why I reached out again…. but he’s just not stepping up enough, and I want more than what he’s giving me right now. It feels good to stick up for myself! :)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:29pm

  161. 161: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, I guess I’ll have to try and figure that one out…..I know I like being with someone. I hate being alone. Done it now for 11 years and I’m just hating more with ea passing day. I like to do things for and with someone. Like shopping, working, playing….I don’t like doing any of it alone. Seriously! Some people are just more companionship oriented then others.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:41pm

  162. 162: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Jeannete I am not sure about that. I believe we are all social beings but there has got to be other things that bring you joy. I like children so I try to spend time with them. Today for instance while driving there was a dad with his two boys and it really lit me up to see the boys walking, holding hands and swinging the outside hand in sync. I also like roller blading and bowling so sometimes I go out alone and join others. I love the sound of water so sometimes I go sit on the beach and read a book when the weather is good. I hope I don’t come across as judgemental but I would look at my beliefs about companionship if I was you. It seems a bit codependent.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:57pm

  163. 163: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 160 Good for you

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 6:58pm

  164. 164: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling anxious. i still haven’t texted my guy back. he was being nice but i just wanted space. i didn’t want to respond until i felt clear.

    but then i think how i did not respond to him saying something that would ordinarily be the right thing (and i crave that sort of stuff from him!)…and that must make him feel defeated and uninterested in me. That terrifies me and leaves me grasping for the right way to honor my feelings and not make myself feel worse or more anxious yet somehow keeps him interested. And right now there is no right way.

    And I am scared of being abandoned!

    I want to get clear on how i’m feeling tho before i utter a peep. i need some time and space to get a hold on how much of my interaction with him and word choice is actually driven by my fear of abandonment, before i say even a single word more.

    i’m scared:(

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:00pm

  165. 165: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Could it be withdrawal symptoms.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:04pm

  166. 166: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I like to look at books in the book store, enjoy reading a good book, and I do those things. I don’t mind being alone at all. I just enjoy being and sharing more I guess. I think it’s basically who I am. Also, it’s very different being alone when I was married 27 years and raising 5 children. Always someone around. Now, it’s quiet a lot when I’m not at work. I was also raised in a large family. Alone time is good for me…..but I still enjoy being with someone more. Just me.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:05pm

  167. 167: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I know Jeannette but it could end up causing you to be terrified of being alone. It would be awesome if you could embrace your aloneness and build a story about what you do with your me time.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:12pm

  168. 168: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Right now in my imagination I see me and him realizing there is a reason we are each there in unfulfilling romantic situation that, without some serious work on ourselves, is virtually locked into being perpetually unfulfilling.

    you know…as in…if i’m here because of my own twisted tendencies…then he probably is too. this has gone on too long to be coincidence. we both wanted things to be better and talked about what we would do for that purpose…but it never got off the ground. we made it crash and burn every time. we had the choice and we made it. I say we because even when it was technically his doing, i still went along for the ride. And vice versa. There are a number of things you can do to pull the ride over, ranging from walking away to the love and compassion treatment, but we went for a ride instead. both of us. individually.

    I don’t know how I would ever tell him that. Maybe he’ll realize it on his own.

    and then when we realize this, he of course enthusiastically complies with my desire to take it very slow and start over as much as possible, and we both grow individually to address the damage we inflict as a pattern in our love lives…

    of course the whole time he still secretly wants to marry me and thinks i’m the greatest thing ever, but never brings it up so i don’t feel uncomfortable….

    and we both become amazing powerful people on the inside and reunite in exclusivity and marriage and are all romantic like ‘we fixed ourselves for each other.’

    ok my fantasy is a little ridiculous, i know, lol.

    if i give dating another shot with this guy, i am only responsible for working on me, and going with how i feel and not holding him responsible for when i don’t like something yet i tolerate it or continue to come back for more.

    but i like my little hopeful and unrealistic one-day-my-prince-will-come fantasy:)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:14pm

  169. 169: Soul SistaNo Gravatar says:

    My date tonight canceled tonight for the 2nd time in a row! LOL…he texted me at 2:30 but i never saw it so i was sitting there waiting for him and checked my texts and voila!

    i texted him back and said “i’m not interested in meeting you. a phone call would have been in order to make sure i got the message.” and even then i would have not been interested in ever meeting him. what an awful date it probably would have been if he had made it…so immature! i also blocked his texts and blocked him on POF.

    i love the saying “Rejection is god’s protection.”

    so now i’m sitting at home eating ice cream and relishing in my Course…

    San Francisco here I come….

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:19pm

  170. 170: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    113: Boomer~ I so love you, girl! You take your rock star self right on out after the wine drinking, I mean, class and show your gorgeous self off.

    And, yes. Been in the shower, shaving legs, getting gorgeous for hideandgoseekguy, and having that feeling he wasn’t going to show up. I was right. Feels awful! The next time I felt that way…yes there was a next time, I stopped and sat on the couch with a bottle of wine..He didn’t show up. I got drunk. lol :-)

    ~Lil

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:25pm

  171. 171: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so anxious and i am trying to work up the courage to text him. i feel scared. i don’t want to leave him hanging. i could tell him that i will eventually talk to him. or that it wasn’t what he said that made me go silent, it actually felt really nice to read.

    i just had to take space and stop trying to communicate about this before i could get clear on what i was feeling………..i thought i would self destruct if i uttered another word to him. i didn’t want that. so i said nothing.

    urgh, have i screwed up?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:28pm

  172. 172: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    What a wonderful, beautiful, heartfelt post you wrote to our Kaitlyn.. There is so much there, I need to read it again.

    Graceful and giving.

    ~Lilybelly.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:35pm

  173. 173: JeannetteNo Gravatar says:

    Femininewoman, I do embrace my alone time. I want you to understand that. However, I like doing things with others as well. If I were terrified of being alone…..I would have run off with the first guy who asked me to marry him, and I didn’t.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:35pm

  174. 174: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Kaityln,

    Damn, I hope you are okay this evening. I am thinking about you, hugging you from here and hoping that you are pulling yourself up from the depths of hell. You get to feel however you feel, I just hope that you can and have, found a way to turn it around and see yourself the way you really are, not the way your NV’s are telling you, you are. And, I hope that you have given your bff a swift kick in his ass. I don’t like how he is treating you either.

    Girl, walk the walk, you know it, you know how to do it. It’s still inside of you. Just do it, once step at a time. Just one step…at. a. time. And shut down even just ONE NV at a time. Just one…and then the next day, another one and another step.

    blueyedgirl63@yahoo.com

    I am cheering for you, CHEERING for you. *pom poms out..old cheerleader uniform on and jumping up and down in my living room…right in front of the window***

    Shoot me an email.

    ~Lilybelly

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:45pm

  175. 175: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 173 I understand Jeannette. I also understand doing things with others because that’s what
    we like.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:45pm

  176. 176: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “i feel uncomfortable having left you hanging on your last text. it wasn’t what you said that made me go silent, it actually felt really nice to read. i am feeling desperate for space and it felt bad that i wasn’t giving myself that by texting back and forth so i just kinda…clammed up.”

    this is what i want to say i think

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:54pm

  177. 177: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    144.
    Hi LG,
    you wrote:
    “It’s basically changing a thought

    “fear feels bad”

    to

    “fear feels great…like excitement.”

    which is a perfect example of what I was saying that how we feel is guidance for if we are in alignment with something.”

    Nice.

    Yes, we seem to be going for a

    “However it is, is fine with me” attitude.

    So if ‘what is’, however it is, isn’t fine with me, then i’m out of alignment.

    xxxooo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 7:55pm

  178. 178: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i don’t like clammed up. that sounds like i am making myself out to be weirdo or wrong. i just stopped. plain and simple.

    “i feel uncomfortable having left you hanging on your last text. it wasn’t what you said that made me go silent, it actually felt really nice to read. i was feeling desperate for space and it felt bad that i wasn’t giving myself that by texting back and forth so i just stopped.”

    You know, he stopped too, even though i’m sure it’s been really uncomfortable at times and he probably thinks he is going to explode. He actually has given me the space. yay

    i really appreciate someone letting me be healthy and feel okay, rather than hound me because THEY feel uncomfortable and want me to make them feel comfortable again. to me that is respectful. that is what respect is all about and i haven’t gotten a lot of that from any guy (and when they offered it i wouldn’t take it cuz i’ve been on a messed up pattern for a while)

    ohh, i feel so much better.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:01pm

  179. 179: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    ok i got it figured out what to say. just had to get really clear on what the truth is here. here goes.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:04pm

  180. 180: sophieNo Gravatar says:

    your post came perfect timing.

    I had been dating this guy for about 3 months, and last Sun I saw his FB status changed to in a relationship with some gal, so I called next day.
    He said they are friends, and when I asked what are we, he said bf/gfs…then he had to rush off and said will call me later.

    That same night his status changed to just in a relationship and gals’ name removed and to single.
    But the issue is he hasn’t return any of the calls and even I called him he always has various reason to say call me back but never did.

    I guess it is not the same case as your post above, he really is ignoring me.

    I feel disappointed and hurt and it had been few days now.

    Why man can behaved so bad …

    appreciate some divas insight to help me move on.

    thx

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:04pm

  181. 181: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Wait, what if he doesn’t even expect me to text him back?
    he didn’t ask me a question. he just said what his suggestion was but that he doesn’t want to push me away any further so that’s why he is really tryin to give me space.
    maybe that was that. end of discussion.

    maybe he’s not sitting there thinking ‘i hate dorothea for not texting back, what a waste of a woman’

    ack i am confused. thinking about forgetting about it and just going to bed, but then tomorrow it will have been THREE days since i didn’t say anything about his suggestion to “hug me and let me feel safe around him as a good start”

    i am scared if i dont acknowledge what an awesome suggestion that is, i’ll never get it.

    i’m scared if i don’t acknowledge that he is making good moves here, that he’ll give up entirely.

    I just need my space though! i am making myself crazy over this! now i have worked myself up into tears.

    i am really grateful to be processing this stuff though. even though it’s really hard and really scary.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:10pm

  182. 182: boomerNo Gravatar says:

    So…no call from bigbandleader. I am not inclined to see him even if he calls tomorrow with plans. Annie Clyde suggests texting asking what the plans are, but that makes me feel desperate and angry. A step up man will confirm with a woman he is excited about seeing. A clueless man about a fourth date is probably not going to be a step up man come the 100th date.

    Should I give him until tomorrow? When he asked me out Tuesday, he left it at “I’ll call to confirm time and place.” I feel…angry. And hurt.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:45pm

  183. 183: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve got to stop leaning forward with my thoughts.

    Are we allowed to fantasize about men we are into?

    What if I feel like thinking about him in a self-pleasuring session, is this leaning forward?

    I find that I get to a point in my thoughts where I’m fighting off NVs.

    Then I feel shame for wanting what I want.

    This feels like a brick in my stomach, dryness and tightness in my throat and I feel small and pathetic.

    I feel sad that I can feel ‘pathetic’ about myself.

    That feels pathetic…

    oh, I feel sad…

    I ate chocolate and it was yummy! :)

    What do you think, Sirens?

    xoxo

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 8:49pm

  184. 184: SarahNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ladies!

    Small development I need advice on. I posted before about this divorced guy I was dating. He had been divorced for a year – he chased me for 3 months then made everything official but a few weeks later he had this complete freak out / 180. Ever since his ex wife posted back all their wedding photos – from that point on everything spiralled out of control over the next two months.

    He said things like he doesn’t know if he ever wants to marry again, he said he is scared of making another mistake, he started comparing me to her – and if I ever did anything similar to her he would lash out /run a mile. I started to see moody/erratic/hot and cold push and pull behaviour. He started going out alot without me.

    He ended it but then would change his mind, then end it and then change his mind. It was finally over for good at the end of February. It has been a very frustrating and heartbreaking experience. He found all these new friends and suddenly has a fun group of ppl he goes out with every Friday night and has discovered this whole new world that he missed out on in his 20s whilst being married.

    Even though I want him back more than anything, I have of course been multi dating, going out, having a great time, getting lots of attention. However, in the last two weeks theres been a major shift – we have spent 4 nights together, had alot of long phone calls till 1am over the last month – and it actually feels like we are in a relationship again.

    It’s been great because we are getting to do all the things I feel like we missed out on in our short lived rel. We have been having a great time together, he constantly compliments me, hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, texts me to say he had a great time. I have tried to change the way I deal with things (with Roris tips), I have tried to work on having a better connection/have more empathy (which he thinks we didn’t have enough of) I am alot more intimate/affectionate (for a while I used to push him away/hate kissing). I am able to just ‘be myself’ instead of constantly feeling on edge that things are spiralling out of control and about to end 0 there is no pressure now. When I am with him it just feels SO RIGHT. I leave feeling like I’m on top of the world.

    As time and healing goes on re: his divorce – he seems like he is slowly starting to have a less negative outlook on marriage etc.

    He knows I am dating other ppl so yesterday he brought up “US” and our new found situation.

    He said that if I feel that he is ‘stopping me’ from getting closer or gettting to know these other guys and if spending time with him is impeding finding someone else then we shouldn’t be hanging out – and that it was just something that I should think about. He then asked what would happen once I ‘find someone’ or once HE finds someone ie/ am I just going to suddenly stop talking to him and seeing him?

    So it sounded as if he doesn’t have a care in the world that I am dating other ppl or could lose me soon…………….well obviously he is the one that ended it!

    It sounds like he is perfectly happy to see me whenever I want to see him; he is always happy to talk for hours on the phone and always responds to my msgs right away. He is having all the joys of a relationship without the commitment – however that works right now because I am also trying to find myself the best guy of the lot.

    I admit I am not letting him ‘chase me’ right now and that needs to change asap. BUT I have managed to get things in a really good happy place which creates a good time to pull back and start letting him chase me.

    So. What to do.

    Based on his ambivilance and comments yesterday –

    Should I keep him in the “circular dating” group, now that its on the ‘up’ – stop chasing and play hard to get, make him start to worry and feel what its like to possibly be losing me.

    or

    Just nix this guy altogether.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:11pm

  185. 185: snow angelNo Gravatar says:

    I do this all the time! drive myself crazy with negative thoughts and then he turns to me and says ‘ i love you’….. wow, how silly of me.
    so along with Rori’s suggestion of imagining him thinking about something other then me….
    what about also thinking: hey, what if he was thinking some really awesome thoughts about me, or us or some really sexy thoughts about me right now….
    that has also happened to me… my man goes quiet, and i freak out, but i stopped myself… be in the moment and let myself melt, i think of how wonderfully warm i felt next to him and i focused on my heart opening and then he says ‘ just thinking about how we can be with each other more’…
    Sirens, it is like magic!
    my method, when i am feeling terrified. is to stop, and imagine my self at the end of a football field with so much space in front of me, that he can step into, so much warm, loving space that he can walk into and feel safe. i am at the end of this field with my chest zipped open and my heart huge and beating right there.
    it works every time!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:18pm

  186. 186: SarahNo Gravatar says:

    Snow angel – good ideas. I can get so anxious when I haven’t heard from the ex all day – then I’ll email him or text him and he pretty much always responds within the hour.

    It always turns out he’s been in court all day and then I think how stupid I was to think that he would even have time or the thought to contact me when all that is going on around him.

    Whenever I get a case of anxiety again I’m going to start imagine him being surrounded by ppl in a court room – talking to a judge and believe he will msg me when its all over.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:23pm

  187. 187: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Snow angel, I love your name!

    Sarah and Sophie – I know you’ll get lots of great adivce and help here. I think both of those situations sound painful, they would be to me. Sarah, that feels so goshawful harsh to me. I’d want to …..just aaargh, how can a man be intimate and like pushing us into someone else’s arms?!! I’m indignant!

    Queenbee – I don’t focus too much on leaning back, it results in me feeling inauthentic if I do…and for pete’s sake- or yours, lol – imagine anything you wanna imagine!! Absolutely! You’re da bomb NOT pathetic. Put them voices down the toilet and flush!

    Boomer – it sux to give a person we don’t even know if we like a second chance and they blow it huh? Confirming on the day of is not cool. Especially after the previous. I hope someone much much better shows up by Sat. 4 a.m.!!!! xoxo

    Dorothea, hope you feel better and transform this for yourself. I always want to answer because I’d want them to answer me – but you said you wanted space. So I don’t know. How about – It feels good to know you haven’t forgotten me and I’m better and will want to get that hug – or – want to talk soon?

    G’nite all you beautiful women!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:29pm

  188. 188: SarahNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Jacquiline – yes it is perplexing how someone can appear to be so enamored, attracted and very obviously happy, intimate, affectionate, enjoying our time together – yet not have any intention of getting back together.

    I just think well what on earth more does he need?!!!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:38pm

  189. 189: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Turqouise,

    RE: #131 – Sorry to hear your relationship ended. How long had you dated? I know you are operating on a series of stuff that led up to you feeling like a crumb taker. I just wanna say in his defense that losing a couple of dogs you love can be just as grievous as people dying, and even moreso. I had to lose some dogs 6 years ago, and I still feel so traumatic about it that I can barely talk about it.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:49pm

  190. 190: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i have been way overanalyzing this because i feel scared to be abandoned. i should not be giving myself grief for not texting a man for a couple of days. if we weren’t just dating then it would feel important to respond and not make it too easy for my partner to fret that i am going to abandon THEM.

    fear of abandonment is a powerful thing. it can run your mind and make u act psycho.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 9:53pm

  191. 191: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I feel angry reading that EMK letter on the last thread. Tightness in my chest and churning in stomach. I don’t want to see men judged, especially so harshly! I feel sad reading this “advice.” And I also believe the judgments may quite possibly be way off – the new woman may be more right for him and someone he feels good committing to and staying with. I’ve seen that kind of thing happen. I feel better not blaming a man when it doesn’t work out.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:20pm

  192. 192: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    dorothea.
    are you just riffing or do you want feedback?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 10:51pm

  193. 193: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    yes and yes, janjune:)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:02pm

  194. 194: sophieNo Gravatar says:

    Thx Jacqueline

    I am looking forward to some advice …

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:03pm

  195. 195: ReneeNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, why have you not texted him in 2 days in the first place?

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:14pm

  196. 196: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    my sister and i had fun on our trip out of town.
    we flirted with men a little. both were “feelin’ ” our attractedness to men and were enjoying seeing the other one feel confident. since we’d hung around together through middle school and high school going to dances and the pool to meet boys, it was fun to connect with her in that fun way again.
    we watched tv in bed with munchies.
    we drank champagne.
    we started arguing a little bit two or three times.
    she thinks i’m the little sister.
    and that she’s the boss. :)
    i handled it well.
    one time when she got just totally obnoxious about something, i just sat there in my power and made plans to just take care of myself (emotionally) from being treated like that by her in the future. she must have felt it because she started trying to make me comfortable and backtracked on the stance she had taken on an (unimportant) issue that was given so much importance that felt like competition… i don’t want to compete. i want to have open honest flowing free caring hearing listening conversatons.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:21pm

  197. 197: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    she is veeerrrry good with the 5 second look! looooooooool!
    i feel giggly thinking about her being so comfortable and getting so many looks and smiles and nods and waves. the men looked happy! looooool!

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:24pm

  198. 198: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    i feel more comfortable with Open Heart.
    I still feel astonished and so totally astounded by how VERY sensitive men are to Open Heart.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:29pm

  199. 199: islandgirlNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Dorothea :-)
    I would text him but that is because I would want someone to answer me. :-)
    I liked the text you were coming up with, but think you may be giving more information than needed. When I’m writing an important email to my sweetie, I usually go back and take out about half – trying to keep it simple.
    How about — I loved reading your suggestion. It would feel good to have you hug me, but I need a little more time for myself. It would feel wonderful if we could connect in xx days. What do you think?

    More importantly, what do you think? ;-)

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:32pm

  200. 200: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    My bff said if I talk back one more time, he will destroy all the tapes we’ve made so far. He says I don’t listen and obviously if I did, he wouldn’t have to show me how to turn on/off a piece of equipment 3 times. He says I bring this upon myself for not caring enough to pay attention. He says there’s no reason for him to communicate softly because if I cared enough about the project, the project would trump my feelings. He also says he didn’t garner the level of success he did by people being soft with him. He’s had photogs throw entire huge lights and powerpacks at him and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Today he took a mic out of my hand to put it on a tripod, sat it in it’s position, and went back to what he was doing. I ran second cam but it turns out, the mic he set up never got turned on. I got blamed for it for not being detail oriented; thus not caring about the project. Honestly, there’s just no way I can express myself even in the most gentle way to sooth him. Between this and Adam, I’m seriously considering gobbling down some Oxys. Not so I die. But so I’m dead inside.

    Thursday, 12 May 2011 @ 11:58pm

  201. 201: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    dorothea,

    below i’ve written the things, (in my words, the way i’d express them) that i’ve heard in your riffs about this man…
    (i realize my word choices don’t match the tenor of your relationship with mr main cd)

    i can’t help wondering if it might not bring about a vibe shift for you two for you to share with him the things you’ve shared here.
    sounds like BOTH of you care about the other one. :)

    okay, so here’s my version:
    (an email, not a text):
    Dear Mr. mainCD man,
    I’ve felt your comfort and concern for me and it feels really good. I care very much for you and about you, too, I hope I’ve been able, at times, to express that to you.

    I feel scared to tell you I need more time, but have to.
    I am aware that my uncertainty is about me working through some old personal patterns, not about anything that you have or haven’t done. I know these steps are crucial for me if I’m ever going to have the kind of relationship I want to have with a man. I don’t feel like I know how to do that right now, but also know I’m in the process of learning how and want to continue.

    I want to ask you to wait for me to figure all this out but can’t and won’t. I truly don’t know how I will feel once I have worked through these issues as, at this point, I don‘t even know what the next step is going to be. I just know I’m committed to taking it once it shows up for me.

    So, I need time to be with me.

    If you want to tell me what you think about this, i feel very open to hearing you.
    .
    .

    hope this helps a little.

    goodnight zzzz zzz zz z z z

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:05am

  202. 202: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Wow.

    A guy I dated for 3 months back in 2007 who broke up with me by simply just no longer contacting me, just fb mes’d me asking, “So, should I bother to ask for a friend request?”

    Wtf? Do you have any idea how hard it was to resist chasing him for an explanation back then when he left me like he did? And why would he even think I’d entertain the thought of even giving him one written word or affirmation or rejection 4 years later?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:13am

  203. 203: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Sarah @184

    Hi , I am no expert Sarah , but as I read your story I started to feel a bit sick and definitely on eggshells.

    I had come to the conclusion that he is one lucky dude! And it sounds like you are just where I was once. And how do you FEEL about it really , going from commited Girlfriend or whatever “official ” means , to one of the gang?

    He has a hot and lovely woman friend who helped him get over his divorce. She is hot in EVERY department (I am guessing here) and soooooooo very understanding. After he dumped her OVER and OVER again , she was so understanding she just kept coming back for the few crumbs he was able to manage to hand over.

    Now he did feel a bit bad about this because in fact, she is a REALLY lovely person , and she does deserve better treatment but damn theres a pool full of hot ladies out there for a recently unmarried guy to dip in to ..well you know , he doesnt think it wise to have a commitment just now .. So to ease his conscience about using her he just mentioned a few little warning words ..just in case she was getting comfortable there….

    Sarah you are a Friend With Benefits, a F*** Buddy , a warm soft place to call in on and enjoy comfort and friendship and intimacy up to a point, BUT …I feel very afraid that you will be hurt again .

    I would love to see you STOP calling, STOP texting, stop all approaches to him.

    I would love to hear you say this ..when he gets curious or horny , and calls you.
    ” Hi , it feels good to hear from you. I have been so busy lately, time just flies by!
    No , sorry I am busy tonight (and tomorrow) . It feels better for me to be out dating widely.

    I am feeling awkward with our situation. It feels like FWB to me. This feels really bad . I dont want a casual realtionship .

    I guess I am looking for the right guy who makes me feel wonderful !And I want to feel secure and loved and special. I dont feel like that in a FWB relationship.

    Friends? Yes sure we will remain friends!!! ”

    Now this is colouring it with my feelings of course but its what I wish I had said in my own life instead of taking crumbs for literally years .

    The follow through is NO CONTACT for a good long time. You just gotta be too busy , all booked up as Rori says , so you honestly are not available for crumbs.If this man could step up he would have. Anything else is your wishful thinking.

    I suggest you look at baggagereclaim website too , it helped me a lot.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:22am

  204. 204: janjuneNo Gravatar says:

    ((hugs)) kaitlyn, i can hear the stress.

    sounds like a good time to start using feeling messges if you haven’t already.

    “I feel upset being told i dont care about our project. i am so into this project i hardly think of anything else…”
    “I feel so upset. i am very detail oriented and know i am, it interrupts my process of tracking what’s been done and what hasn’t when equipment is taken from my hand.”

    kaitlyn, feeling messages will not work on toxic people who don’t want to come out of their toxicity. but your bff will “hear” you if he is capable of and wants to leave it behind… sounds like it is causing him major problems with others… maybe he will hear you.

    are you finding ways here, on the rori blog, to do self care?
    sounds like you’re having second thoughts about the Oxy, is that a first step in the right direction?

    goodnight kaitlyn

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:36am

  205. 205: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,
    I have followed you for a while (lurking sorry) .
    I notice Sirens giving you lots of great suggestions to help you.

    It reads like you are getting very good at noticing what your triggers are , and you are reacting with messages about what you feel like doing ” feel like starving or taking pills or whatever ..these all being actions to numb something inside.

    I am wondering if when you hear yourself say these things about actions you are thinking about, you actually stop yourself and ask , “what is this feeling inside? What is the body sensation I am having that gives me a thought about taking an action to make it go away”
    Maybe a voice says ” I feel like being numb” , but that is a thought.
    So ask yourself ..what is the feeling I have in my body when i THINK “I want to be numb”.
    Keep trying to tie it down , give it a name, is it sadness? Is it hopelessness? Is it raw biting anger? Is it fear (eg of 40th Bday – I was scared of that one)?

    I beleive that Rori is right about feeling the feelings and naming them and noticing how they come and go . Learning to feel them fully and TOLERATE them , even the unpleasant ones is the beginning of getting better. I know lots of therapists deal with this stuff.

    I also recognise that part of you does not want to change this as the rest of you seems to want to change. . That part is warring with the rest. That part posts comments that I feel irritated reading. I welcome that part so I can practice feeling irritated and just tolerate the irritation with interest and NOT take an action such as replying with sarcasm as I would once have done.

    I feel authentic saying this. Thank you Kaitlyn.
    I love your strong vibe and I feel it getting stronger !

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:40am

  206. 206: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    204

    feeling messages. they don’t work on him. they only slightly work. it is all considered talking back to him. it is all considered making excuses. believe me, trying to be on top of everything and knowing you have to walk on eggshells does interrupt the creative process and make remembering more challenging. he just sees it all as me being weak and afraid of challenges.

    I’m also sick of him driving the car at top speed when he’s angry. I just pretend I’m not scared one day the brakes won’t be as strong and what if i’m a vegetable the rest of my life. It’s my fault i made him that angry.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:42am

  207. 207: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee , about your question about fantasy in “those” moments..

    Myself I got really cautious about that .
    Used to be that in my relationship that I now know to be imaginary , I fantasized in that way .I got my oxytocin to an image of him. My brain didnt know if he was really there or not , my hormones couldnt tell the difference. I was hormonally very addicted.

    I now am very careful not to do that so as not to become addicted to an “imaginary “lover who is not stepping up for me :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:55am

  208. 208: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn @202 , sorry didnt read that before last post , but WOW you are amazingly strong. Many of us here struggle not to text or call after he does a lean back for a day , let alone a disappearing act like that.
    I feel delighted to read that you held fiem and did not contact him then and no, you need not reply now.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:00am

  209. 209: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn is it possible for you to offer to drive?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:05am

  210. 210: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Serena,

    Yeah, our last convo in 2007 went down like this via IM.

    Me: It feels like things are becoming different with us lately. As in more of a disconnect. What do you think?

    Him: Brb

    And that was it. He never came back. Ever. In any capacity. I held strong and never contacted him. All this was way pre-Rori. I had a very wise friend help me through this.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:06am

  211. 211: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    209 We usually are in my car. I prefer other ppl driving my car. I’m not that great of a driver and get even more nervous driving in front of him. I’m very bad with directions and don’t need him, like today when I was driving, “what, are you retarded? we’ve been here a million times. why are you in this lane? you never pay attention.”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:08am

  212. 212: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Serena

    The power of delete. Just pressed the delete button on his message. Wish real life had a delete button.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:14am

  213. 213: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I hate hearing “If you were a guy, I’d hit you.”

    i just tell myself ‘don’t be triggered don’t be triggered. stay stoic. no reaction. any reaction will make it worse. go dead inside. just go dead inside until he’s calmed down.’

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:37am

  214. 214: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I wish Adam were here to help me through this. He’s not. It’s just me.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:39am

  215. 215: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #206 Kaitlyn, we’re talking about the bff who self described himself as an “a**hole”, right? He obviously is. And it sounds as if he feels comfortable in this role, it may bother him a bit in the back of his mind, but not enough to change. After all, he’s getting away with that behaviour. He may be a bit nicer as a friend, but that doesn’t influence how he will treat you at work. There you’re just another scapegoat which has to absorb his lack of self criticism. Since nothing can be his fault, all is your fault. The positive feedback he got from his finished projects reinforces for him that this lousy professional attitude is ok. He’s not likely to change his ways, since that would feel to him like risking the success of his project (why should he change his “successful” method?). Am I about right with this interpretation?

    Well, if it’s so, you have to be aware that this isn’t about you at all. At work, you’re just another one of the suckers who have to tolerate his bad behaviour, not a friend. Ok, maybe it’s even worse, and he feels that he has to be more nice to you than to the others (and being nice doesn’t come easily for him), so this increases his aggression. Regardless, it doesn’t seem likely that it will become better in the near future, so this is simply the price to be paid for working with him. Of course, the question is, is the price too high? But this project is important for you, opening a new line of work, so I guess the answer is clear.

    Reminding yourself that this isn’t about you, that you’re just playing the role of the lightning rod for all his negative feelings, should make this a bit easier for you. It should prevent the friendship from suffering under the negative experiences of working with that guy. It’s two different worlds, like we Germans say “duty is duty and booze is booze”.

    For me, it helps to see this such situations a more remote way, with a lot of humor, grinning inside about the lousy kabuki theatre. Like “now look at him, there he goes again, what a clown!” That would take the sharp edge from his insults and unfairness, and make you feel more in control of your feelings. Imho the best way to not get overwhelmed by negative feelings when working with a**holes (and I, like probably most people, have some experience with such jerks at work).

    Another idea: Do you have contact with someone who worked with your bff on another project? How about contacting him/her? Maybe there are some tricks to be learned. And even if not, it may feel relaxing to vent about this cr** with a person who has gone through the same drama (and to be reminded that he/she survived this). You sure sound like you need to find a way to relax a bit now. Take care, girl!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:13am

  216. 216: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #214 Did Adam help you through such sh** in the past, Kaitlyn? How did he do that? And is there someone (another bff or a relative) who could do the same for you now? If there is, reach out to that person, even if that may be a bit embarassing. Would be good for you to get rid of some of the frustration you’re experiencing now…

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:21am

  217. 217: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I used to say I have no sense of direction and would always get lost, sometimes what seemed like in my own backyard. I’d go to a place this weekend and then next weekend and got lost. The time when a friend noticed it and told me to stop saying that. I took note and stopped. It is years now since that experience and I do not get lost anymore even though I do not use a GPS. At times I do miss my way but I am so confident that people are willing to help me I reach out and they do respond. Just a suggestion, I feel fear is driving you, maybe fear of just being out there in the world. It is your car. Like it is my house and allowing people to be here insulting me in it. He might even be feeling resentment without even knowing what it is for having to drive you. I would look at that if I were you to take back responsibility for that part of my life. Trust me girl you can do it. I have even read that guys hate it when we allow them to treat us badly. He might be wanting you to take responsibility for your feelings and stop him from dumping his anger on you. Believe it or not he will respect you for that if you do.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:31am

  218. 218: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah but Adam did nothing you cannot do for yourself. He is not here now and I am sure he would be proud of you if he knew you learnt something from him and would be willing to do the same for yourself. He wouldn’t want to know that you would be weak all the time and he would have to be lifting you up, it would become tiresome to him. He would want to know that he could teach you something and you could learn from him. That would empower and inspire him to want to teach you more.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:34am

  219. 219: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 215 “like we Germans say” huh?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:48am

  220. 220: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    What is it with the impatience of some guys. I corresponded with one on the dating site, emails back and forth for a couple of days. Then he offered to call, so we spoke on the phone. It was OK, nothing to write home about really. I was kind of open to speaking with him again, but not bowled over. He was wanting to meet this weekend. I said maybe. He called again the other night, but I didn’t rush to return the call, not as any kind of strategy….just wasn’t moved to. A day went by and he texted wondering if I was still interested in going out. I didn’t feel like replying at that point, but hadn’t completely written him off. He texted ‘do you still want to chat or do you want me to stop trying’. then four hours later, ‘I guess your lack of reply means no. You will not hear from me again.’ That was last night. That’s fine. He showed lack of persistence, and I’m not all the way open, either. as it turns out, he’s retired navy. I couldn’t resist, and texted back this morning, ‘OK, you rang the quit bell, so there’s no chance of becoming a Navy Seal now.’
    thanks, Brenda!!

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:01am

  221. 221: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay, it’s Lurker. I want to shrink you down to pocket size and carry you around for communication advice.

    i am going to text him. it’s driving me nuts and i’m not sure why i am censoring myself. i don’t feel desperate for space anymore so i’m not contradicting myself.

    i am going to have to tell him i mean business about this just dating thing though. i don’t want to be pressured, rushed, or manipulated. i want true, pure love. PURE. i want someone i can count on to be there for me when i (rarely) ask. he is not that guy right now, by his own doing. he has to accept that if he really does want to see me.

    and he has to think about why he showed up time and time again to the fighting and craziness, and fed the toxic monster of our relationship. But I have no idea how I would ever tell him “yo dude, you’re crazy like me and have a fear of abandonment and intimacy that is running the show…u need to heal that”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:05am

  222. 222: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    for the record, i will not be texting all THAT to him

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:11am

  223. 223: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea

    I have tried to resist speaking about your situation but feel like doing so now because of 221. It seems to me that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:14am

  224. 224: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    All of what you have written came across to me as you emoting and emitting a lot of energy. So now I am wondering if that is what he is feeling why he might be triggered to pressure? I understand it might be you or your way but I would look to see if I was being a tornado just dragging him along in my wake. Hope I am wrong.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:18am

  225. 225: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    What I understand is that we heal first and in so doing invite the guys along for the ride. Saying ““yo dude, you’re crazy like me and have a fear of abandonment and intimacy that is running the show…u need to heal that” seems to me like dictating or asking someone to do something that I have not done. It reminds me of an email I received from Rori that suggests that we should go first in the change department and by showing him that we can change we inspire the change in him.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:20am

  226. 226: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    191: Lucy

    Lucy, I sense that you may be taking that letter too personally on behalf of the men. That harshness was in all likelihood intended for effect, to jar people out of their fantasy worlds. It was harsh words for the woman, too. It made HER responsible. This is more about her lack of discrimination of, or flat out ignoring, someone’s basic character, than about judging. As for settling in with a better woman for him, sure, that’s a possibility. But some guys really are bottom feeders, good at sales techniques, good at acting the dead puppy routine, where they fake tears of sorrow so that a woman will forgive them and keep giving and giving.

    Unsuspecting, accepting, nurturing, rescuing, fixing type woman fall into these traps, and when nothing really works, because the man just can’t do a real relationship, for whatever reason, they may need a wake up call like that.

    It may sound like blaming, but sometimes you just have to look something straight in the eyes, and see it for what it is, sans any kind of sugar coating. This approach may not be for the faint of heart.

    :-)

    xxxooo

    “Wow I feel angry reading that EMK letter on the last thread. Tightness in my chest and churning in stomach. I don’t want to see men judged, especially so harshly! I feel sad reading this “advice.” And I also believe the judgments may quite possibly be way off – the new woman may be more right for him and someone he feels good committing to and staying with. I’ve seen that kind of thing happen. I feel better not blaming a man when it doesn’t work out.”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:22am

  227. 227: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi FW, i do want to change first. i havent seen him in 2 weeks because it’s ultra triggering and he jumps right into toxic crap with me.

    urgh i feel angry hearing that i am a tornado dragging him around because to me it sounds like this is my fault.

    and i’m a smart girl, i can see where he’s resisted me healing stuff in myself. i can see how he is much more at ease in the unhealthy stuff.

    if i seem like a tornado, it’s because i’m here letting that steam off instead of going to him to do it.

    i feel super defensive, FW, and i don’t want you to for one second feel bad about it. u definitely haven’t done anything wrong! thank you for giving me your input.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:27am

  228. 228: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    The first step is always to STOP beating yourself up.

    If we’re always punishing ourselves, we’ll be attracted to and attractive for men who will punish us FOR us.

    And what happens when we do that?

    We blame the man. But really, all he’s doing is his “job” of punishing and hurting us so WE don’t have to do the dirty job.

    To really jump into this first step, just STOP.

    That means, no matter what’s happened or what’s happening, don’t do these things:

    Don’t blame anyone.

    Accept that you likely made some mistakes, didn’t listen to your inner voice that was alerting you to his red flags, and didn’t stand by your boundaries – and be THRILLED that you’ve now caught those mistakes so you don’t have to make them again!

    That’s right – be EXCITED.

    From Rori email.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:29am

  229. 229: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Vulnerability is not necessarily revealing personal things about yourself.

    IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH LOVE YOU GIVE A MAN, BUT ABOUT HOW MUCH LOVE YOU GIVE YOURSELF IN HIS PRESENCE.

    Rori’s explanation about vulnerability.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:30am

  230. 230: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #220 #221 Sirens, sometimes I’m really almost scratching my head here (as Daria imagined recently): What’s it good for us guys to lead, to do the leaning forward, if you girls don’t respond? Not even with a short text saying “sry, got other stuff on my mind now, will answer tomorrow”? Do you have any idea how it is to wait for answer that doesn’t come? I guess you have, since you complain about boys who don’t react on you, too. You’re just not really aware of the fact that you’re not acting much better.

    Sry for this rant, but as a guy, I can’t help but solidarizing a bit with those guys you talk about. I have no idea if they are boyfriend material for you or not, but how do you want to find out when you put no efforts into it? And are you aware that the “competition” doesn’t only work one way, but that the guys may chose to invest their time into communicating with other girls, who offer a more reliable feedback?

    I totally understand that you’re often not in the mood to open up for a real convo. I’m that way very often, too. But then, it may be a good idea to analyze where those mood swings come from, and to work on them. It’s not very fair to blame your CDs for contacting you in the wrong moment, as if we guys are mindreaders who ought to know how you feel without you saying it. And afaik ignoring a CD who hasn’t done anything wrong is not part of Rori’s relationship advice.

    Damn, I like you girls, you open up so much and show such an attractive feminity here, but when reading about your communication habits, I can’t help but feeling sry for the men who try to date you.
    :-(
    Ok, only my opinion, other guys may see that differently.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:34am

  231. 231: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i went to text him and realized that what was primarily motivating me was the fear that if i don’t text him this morning, he will text me first saying ‘i don’t want you anymore because i offered you some love and you didn’t say yes’ (actually i didn’t say ANYTHING lol)

    and then i think, it’s 730 in the morning. in the past we would get into texting about each other and our ‘relationship’ first thing in the morning, or during the work day, but now i am kind of feeling like it can wait for a more appropriate time so we don’t cloud each other’s days up.

    but then i think…if i don’t text him soon, i am going to lose him forever.

    eeeeep.

    confusion. and fear of abandonment.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:35am

  232. 232: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    228. Thanks, FW
    that’s a kinder, gentler version of the emk letter–
    a nice adjunct to it.
    That’s exactly how I feel, thrilled and excited
    to be in a new, better, improved, stronger ‘place’.
    Gee, I sound like a new Mr. Clean product or something. ;-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:37am

  233. 233: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 230 Lurker for the most part I agree with you. However, I like the idea of experimenting and therapy. I get to experiment with different ways of communicating to see what I create. Some guys take what you are suggesting as pursuing and they lean back and wait for you to initiate “ALL THE TIME”. I have personally experienced that because I guess he saw himself as more valuable than I was. Realizing that drops my self-esteem to rock bottom. That I cannot afford.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:40am

  234. 234: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    As a general point for discussion: If someone feels like she/he is not in the mood to communicate with a CD, may that be based on a deeper seated fear of rejection, or previous negative experiences in a relationship? What do you Sirens and Sailor think?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:41am

  235. 235: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #226 Elizabeth,

    I saw the woman in EMK’s letter as someone who was holding onto a fantasy relationship. She had been with the guy 7 months, he left for someone else (?), and a year later she was still unable to move on from what she thought he was/they had for those 7 months. Whether the guy is a user, jerk, etc. doesn’t matter as much as why this woman is still “stuck” with this idealized version of the relationship after a year. Why is she holding onto it so tight?

    I’ve been there in two different relationships, and it was long, long after they were over I was able to figure it out in an objective way.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:45am

  236. 236: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    okiedokie i think part of what’s making me nuts is how hard it is for me to communicate in text messages and feel good about the effectiveness of my communication. so i just called him to tell him like, look it’s been a couple of days and i don’t want to just leave you hanging forever, etc etc what i have to say.

    but he didn’t answer. hopefully he’s just sleeping. sleep is good. he’ll call me back when he’s ready.

    that or he’ll text me ‘hey saw you called,’ which will drive me nuts lol

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:47am

  237. 237: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    230.
    Hi Lurks! Thank you for sharing how you feel about this. I would like to go a little deeper, if you don’t mind. To my mind, what we have here with all this impatience is a symptom of the new world of instant gratification in which we live. I am not one of the ones that complain if a guy in the beginning stages does not call, write or text back right away. I know that people are busy and have a lot on their plates. If they are truly interested they would probably have more patience and determination and persistence. For example, my former childhood sweetheart, teenage romance interest, and I gave it a go a couple of years ago, and it blew up in our faces. It was a long distance thing and other problems…. but I stuck to my boundaries, staying out of contact, telling him I don’t want anything to do with him, and he still persists. He says I can’t get rid of him that easy. I talk to him a couple of times a month, as friends. I sincerely doubt there will be anything other than an old friendship rekindled there. But the point is, he cares about and is interested enough in me to keep trying.
    Do you see the difference? What do you think?

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:49am

  238. 238: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #231 Dorothea, this looks a bit like you’re stuck in a reinforcing circle. You imagine how he will respond, and then you fear that imagined response (that’s actually very close to the topic of Rori’s story here!). Next, your fear prevents you from answering. Which, of course, will eventually drive him to give up on you, once his feeling of self esteem gets the upper hand over his feelings for you. It’s really some kind of self fulfilling prophecy!

    Always expecting the worst, and letting this guide your actions leads to so much unnecessary suffering. You should adress this. Find and embrace that nasty NV, and use the other tools the Sirens recommend for such problems. Time for some healing, Doro!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:51am

  239. 239: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 230 I believe it is both a mixture of what you and Elizabeth says. My experience is when a man is interested/attracted he tries, he does what he wants to do. No amount of impatience on our part is going to get him to change his ways or do more than what he is prepared to do. If he is attracted the fear will not necessarily go away but he might just say something to bring to your attention that you are reacting out of fear but he will want to help.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:54am

  240. 240: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i’m really working on it! i don’t know why but i am taking the feedback today as criticism. like urghhh can’t you see how much i am working on this! lol
    it was 2 days. i want to be able to excuse myself from a crying screaming fest for 2 days if i need to, even if he says 1 right thing.

    we are not committed. i can do what i need to do to take care of me.

    i am defensive right now. i also am very hungry, which leads to yucky feelings. blood sugar issues lol

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:55am

  241. 241: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    235. Lily T.

    “Why is she holding onto it so tight?”

    Yes, i agree with you, i think that is the crux. I also think it was about, as in the part of the letter which FW shared, about not listening to the red flags, having holes in boundaries.

    I think it comes back to her getting caught up in what could have been, instead of idealizing what never was.

    As you say in your experience, it can takes some time to come to grips with that. IMO

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:55am

  242. 242: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    sorry, i meant, she was also idealizing what never was,
    not “instead of”

    So, getting caught up in what might have been, and idealizing what he never was is why she was holding on so tight to the fantasy. Probably also wondering what she did wrong and all that stuff.

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:58am

  243. 243: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 238 Lurker you sound like Chris Carter there. Dorothea there is some “you” in the “advice” being given so it is normal to be defensive as that comes across as critical and blamey.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:03am

  244. 244: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    RE: #220 – LOLOLOL! I hate that when they just kill a connection before they even give it a chance! That is too funny how you handled it!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:04am

  245. 245: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You want to go to him. You want to ask him what’s wrong. You want to know if you did something or said something to upset him. You want to make it better.

    But none of this seems to be helping, so you redouble your efforts. You pay him even more attention. Maybe you cook special dishes for him or dress more seductively.

    Or maybe you try to convince him how great a woman and girlfriend you are. And it only gets worse, doesn’t it? He withdraws even more.

    So what is it you need to do?

    1.The first thing you need to do is open your heart wide, and keep it soft and inviting, no matter how panicked you might feel inside, no matter how desperate and scared.

    2.Then you must leave him alone.

    Whatever it is that’s going on with him, you have to let him sort it out for himself.

    3.And then you MUST stop thinking about this. You MUST take your thoughts away from him and what
    he’s thinking, doing, planning.

    You must leave him space to come to you if he wants to.

    He may, or he may not. And you must be okay however this plays out.

    4.If he does come to you, you listen.

    You take in all he says with apt attention. You be his sounding board, but DO NOT offer advice unless he asks.

    If you feel sure you have a good solution, you can ask him if he’d like to hear your suggestion. He may accept or he may not.

    There’s really no point to giving advice to a man unless he asks for it – you’ll end up making him feel defensive, and he’ll start looking at you more as his “mother” than as his lover.

    It’ll make things worse, and make him withdraw even more.

    You must be okay with whatever he says.

    Men like to solve their own problems. Yours too in fact! So keep this in mind at all times.

    5.Lastly, you must go and take care of yourself.

    Fill your days with activities that inspire you. Try something new – maybe a new form of dance or exercise class or a cooking class, how about some form of art, pottery drawing, painting, or take a class at the local community college, anything that interests you.

    Following these guidelines in this way will give him a feeling of safety – and give you your best chance of drawing him back in close to you.

    And if this is a good man and more especially if he’s your “the one,” your energy will be so inviting, your absorption in the world will be so intriguing, he won’t be able to help himself!

    I know it’s hard to allow all of this to be on HIS timetable, and not yours – and yet it’s the fastest way to bring him back to you.

    If you’d like extra help to open your heart, relax and be inviting around him, and NOT get crazy when he withdraws so that he’ll come right back to you more quickly – try out my Sex and Heart ebook.It’ll raise your self-esteem, make you feel better instantly, and give you so many exact Tools to feel better inside yourself and attract your man back to you quickly.

    I wrote it for you because if I could create the brilliant relationship I have now with my man from the “horror pit” I was in – I KNOW that you can, too.

    Take a look at Sex and Heart right here:

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/sex-and-heart/

    Try these steps – you’ll see a change in your man right away – and be sure to let me know how they work for you.

    Sincerely, Tinque

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:14am

  246. 246: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You want to go to him. You want to ask him
    what’s wrong. You want to know if you did
    something or said something to upset him. You want
    to make it better.

    But none of this seems to be helping, so you
    redouble your efforts. You pay him even more
    attention. Maybe you cook special dishes for him
    or dress more seductively.

    Or maybe you try to convince him how great a
    woman and girlfriend you are. And it only gets
    worse, doesn’t it? He withdraws even more.

    So what is it you need to do?

    1.The first thing you need to do is open your
    heart wide, and keep it soft and inviting, no
    matter how panicked you might feel inside, no
    matter how desperate and scared.

    2.Then you must leave him alone.

    Whatever it is that’s going on with him, you
    have to let him sort it out for himself.

    3.And then you MUST stop thinking about this.
    You MUST take your thoughts away from him and what
    he’s thinking, doing, planning.

    You must leave him space to come to you if he
    wants to.

    He may, or he may not. And you must be okay
    however this plays out.

    4.If he does come to you, you listen.

    You take in all he says with apt attention. You
    be his sounding board, but DO NOT offer advice
    unless he asks.

    If you feel sure you have a good solution, you
    can ask him if he’d like to hear your suggestion.
    He may accept or he may not.

    There’s really no point to giving advice to a
    man unless he asks for it – you’ll end up making
    him feel defensive, and he’ll start looking at you
    more as his “mother” than as his lover.

    It’ll make things worse, and make him withdraw
    even more.

    You must be okay with whatever he says.

    Men like to solve their own problems. Yours too
    in fact! So keep this in mind at all times.

    5.Lastly, you must go and take care of
    yourself.

    Fill your days with activities that inspire
    you. Try something new – maybe a new form of dance
    or exercise class or a cooking class, how about
    some form of art, pottery drawing, painting, or
    take a class at the local community college,
    anything that interests you.

    Following these guidelines in this way will
    give him a feeling of safety – and give you your
    best chance of drawing him back in close to you.

    And if this is a good man and more especially
    if he’s your “the one,” your energy will be so
    inviting, your absorption in the world will be so
    intriguing, he won’t be able to help himself!

    I know it’s hard to allow all of this to be on
    HIS timetable, and not yours – and yet it’s the
    fastest way to bring him back to you.

    If you’d like extra help to open your heart,
    relax and be inviting around him, and NOT get
    crazy when he withdraws so that he’ll come right
    back to you more quickly – try out my Sex and
    Heart ebook.It’ll raise your self-esteem, make you
    feel better instantly, and give you so many exact
    Tools to feel better inside yourself and attract
    your man back to you quickly.

    I wrote it for you because if I could create
    the brilliant relationship I have now with my man
    from the “horror pit” I was in – I KNOW that you
    can, too.
    Try these steps – you’ll see a change in your
    man right away – and be sure to let me know how
    they work for you.

    Sincerely, Tinque

    LoveRomanceRelationship
    P.O. Box 831, Culver City, CA 90232, USA

    To unsubscribe or change subscriber options visit:
    http://www.aweber.com/z/r/?bJycDByctKyMjOzsbBwctGa07GycjIzMTA==

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:15am

  247. 247: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #237 Liz, very strong point about “the new world of instant gratification in which we live”! Yes, this sure plays a role, too. And that probably also shows in the impatience of the guys who are texting you. If they “are truly interested they would probably have more patience and determination and persistence.”

    However, that’s only true if they already have a positive impression of you and want to know you better. Nobody shows much determination for a stranger. And we don’t have much patience with a first date who shows a lack of interest, either. So, for others to respect our indiviual timetables, we have to earn their respect first. Doesn’t this mean that in the first days, before establishing a a stronger bond, we got to have patience with their impatience, too? Hmm.

    Also, imho there’s good old politeness (yeah, maybe I’m a bit old fashioned in that regard, but I do think that’s still important). Not answering for two days isn’t very polite. Well, if I met a girl online, and had just talked to her once, without many sparks in this convo, I wouldn’t have much tolerance for being treated in that way. I’m not desperate enough to run after a girl who doesn’t show much, if any interest. So, off to greener pastries! That’s how that looks from the male side.

    So, I dunno, but it looks to me that a bit more repsect and tolerance is needed on both sides. We guys may follow your girls like lovesick fools very often, but we have some boundaries, too. And the more self respect a guy has (which is probably in sync with his masculinity), the less likely he is to wait two days for a single answer. So, this may result in filtering the good guys out, and being left with the less attractive ones. That should be taken into account, imho.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:15am

  248. 248: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    omg i am freaking out. want to call and text since he hasn’t acknowledged my call. this must be why he was buggin me so much lol. feeling uncomfortable.

    must break pattern. must not chase him down. we have to be two humans that give each other our god given space and free will.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:16am

  249. 249: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    234: The Lurker says:

    As a general point for discussion: If someone feels like she/he is not in the mood to communicate with a CD, may that be based on a deeper seated fear of rejection, or previous negative experiences in a relationship? What do you Sirens and Sailor think?

    I think it could possibly be due to those two things or many other different reasons. Therefore, it’s best not to make quick assumptions and also good not to believe everything you think. I’ll tell you what my fear is– analysis paralysis. ;-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:18am

  250. 250: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i will just spam the board whenever i feel like chasing him down because i feel uncomfortable and want to control or see something happen. i want to break the pattern but the feeling is so strong….i’ll just let it out here.

    one of my values is giving someone space to think and breathe and act for themselves

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:20am

  251. 251: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    246. Lurks

    “greener pastries”

    you got a recipe for those?!

    mmmmmm….

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:20am

  252. 252: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #243 “Lurker you sound like Chris Carter there.”
    Uh, FW, I hope this is meant as a compliment?
    :D
    No, seriously, thank you. I’ve noticed you Sirens mentioning that name here every now and then. He’s a coach like Evan, right? Will look him up. Always interested in learning more.

    Also, re #219, I am German. Did you miss that info?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:21am

  253. 253: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    You know, I realize I am probably not being the model circular dating woman, but I just didn’t feel like meeting this guy was going to go anyway. So that’s the truth. I didn’t really want to give him a chance. The rest is just filler. OK, so sue me.

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:22am

  254. 254: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    i meant, “like meeting this guy was going to go anywhere”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:23am

  255. 255: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yes first time I noticed you responding to the question on nationality. Thought it was a freudian slip.

    Carter is another coach. Just to point out that men seem not to differ so much on certain beliefs and experience of how relationships are.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:24am

  256. 256: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #248 “I’ll tell you what my fear is– analysis paralysis.”

    Really, Liz? That comes as a total suprise to me! Well, maybe that’s a love/hate relationship, dunno…

    Oops, that’s yet another quick assumption! Sry.
    :-)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:25am

  257. 257: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    249 dorothea

    funny you say that, just before i read your post i had this feeling like i was spamming the board too, good thing i have to leave to go see a client soon…
    glad you feel comfortable to working your stuff out here, though, no complaints from me

    xxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:25am

  258. 258: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Good morning sirens and sailors!!! So glad it’s Friday! :) The girls are with their dad already for the weekend, I met him to exchange them this morning. They are on their way to Great Wolf Lodge… know they’ll have a blast! I am looking forward to some me time, out for drinks tonight with a friend, mani/pedi. in the morning. I have plans all weekend long, but am also looking forward to reading, exercising, listening to music and just having some down time.

    Brenda, thanks for the input. We dated for two months, and then he disappeared on me. About a month later, I reached out to say Happy Birthday. That was 3 weeks ago, and while I did see him twice, both times were last minute plans and he just came to my house. No dates, just nice conversation and some physical stuff. Which, I liked, but is not what I’m looking for. I don’t want to get attached if he’s not stepping up. I do understand wanting to see your pets, but I want to be with someone who would value being with me, more than visiting an ex and their pets. If he’d asked me to go to, or said, how about we do something Friday night after work, or let’s meet up Sunday for dinner on my way back…. but he didn’t. I’m not buying it that he’s just going there to see the dogs. He doesn’t seem to be a very sentimental person. He doesn’t have many friends because he (in his own words) is terrible about keeping in touch, they always have to call him… and he didn’t speak to his mother for over a year. I know he missed me, but apparently not enough to really step up and try to establish a real relationship with me.

    Which is ok, I’m just not looking for a FWB type thing, and in the long run, while it would be fun, and the chemistry was great, it’s not worth the risk of getting attached again and getting hurt. I want more. I said we could be friends, didn’t just disappear on him. I hope he does keep in touch, but I’m not expecting it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:38am

  259. 259: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #250 ““greener pastries”
    you got a recipe for those?!”

    Lol Liz!
    :D
    Well, you probably know that we Germans are very much into green stuff (even elected a green governor recently), so this should be no problem. Checking at my favorite recipe site, I found this:
    http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chefkoch.de%2Frezepte%2F1820861295464931%2FGruener-Tee-Kuchen.html&sl=de&tl=en&hl=&ie=UTF-8
    Hope the google translation makes some sense!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:39am

  260. 260: DENo Gravatar says:

    Interested to learn more about Thyroid and a possible quick fix? Well, this is an interesting article I found on Jilian Michaels site…

    http://www.1-thyroid.com/?gclid=CPqvgeeT5agCFQkMbAodgSh7Bw

    Happy Friday Sirens!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:42am

  261. 261: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker—mmmm, green pastries! Are they spinach flavored?

    Sorry, that just made me giggle. Darn spellcheck, huh?

    While I have your attention, Lurk, what would you say about a man who asked me out earlier this week for tonight but who has not called with details? (A man who was pretty absent for the last 6 weeks too.) Should I just assume he is not planning to see me in actuality and make other plans for myself? Should I text/call and ask about the plans (or will I just embarrass myself doing so)? What if he does call sometime today? Do I agree to meet? Whether I agree to meet him or not, do I tell him that it feels confusing not knowing what my plans are for the night?

    Boy thoughts would be wonderful. Thank you.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:42am

  262. 262: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #247 Dorothea, your guy probably felt the same way when you didn’t respond. So, you both have issues to work on, not only you. Even more reason to come up with boundaries that work for both of you. Like, no texting during work, or whatever rule helps you to get the space you need. Of course, he would want some assurance that you’ll repsond when the reaches out to you during the “allowed” hours. Even if its only a short text like “sry, i’m in a horrible mood, can’t speak to anybody now”. Something that shows him it’s not his fault. With a little bit of effort, it should be possible to turn communication into a better experience for you both.

    Also, #249, good idea! Lots of Sirens here who are well versed with the tools, and can help you with working on feelings of fear and anxiety.
    :-)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:50am

  263. 263: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    LUVIT!!! Great article.. Rori. Just what I needed to read this morning and divine order on the timing. :)

    Self correcting really isnt so hard. I feel less judgmental towards myself for not always having my thoughts right. Its may not be anything I did or said at all… And I realized ya..it’s probably nothing. And I can be in my own space in a good mood.

    Thanks!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:59am

  264. 264: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 261 Boomer though you asked Lurk I just wanted to say I remember seeing something similar from Alonka. I advised her to go to plan B but the guy showed up the same day a couple hours before the date with timing, place etc. and she did accept. My opinion is that in his mind this must be a casual thing between friends, not romantic, so no need to step up. Also did you set a boundary as in I need a confirmation, 24-48 hours before to plan my day, otherwise I will assume you are off the planet and go plan to do something else? kind of thing.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:12am

  265. 265: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #260 Boomer, I understand he didn’t even fix a time when you would go out? So, it’s not only the detail where to meet? Well, if your talk was more than 48 hours ago (two days seems to be the typical timespan we guys put between two calls), it’s indeed questionable if he intents to meet you. Maybe he’s a bit chaotic, or something, but this doesn’t look good.

    So, what to do? Hmm, knowing nothing about the guy, I’m torn. Just deleted a suggestion for a text message. No matter how I phrased it, too much leaning forward, which he doesn’t deserve now. He has to learn you’re not that kind of girl who will wait until the last minute for him to make his mind up. You have other offers, too, and he has to compete. IF you’re interested in that guy, and still willing to give him a chance, how about making plans with others, but leaving a timespan where you can fit him in (no pun intended! :D)? If he’s into you, he’ll notice his mistake, and he’ll be glad that he can at least see you for an hour or so. That looks like a good compromise to me.

    Btw, I don’t use any spellcheck here. All mistakes are handmade! And, yes, damn, sometimes I confuse English phrases or misspell words.
    :D

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:13am

  266. 266: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer,

    If it were me, I would make a plan B right now and elevate it to plan A. That way, if he calls, I would be able to say, “oh, when I didn’t hear from you, I made other plans.”

    As my mother would say, “Scratch him from your list!” For some reason I love the way that sounds/feels. lol I think because it energetically makes room for someone who will treat you better.

    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:37am

  267. 267: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, Lurker, and Summerbaby (and Jacqueline’s support from last night): Thank you so much. I know I’ve been all angst-ridden about this man for three days, and I appreciate the straight-up advice.

    FW, I guess I assume when a man says he will make a plan, choose a place, and get back to me “in the next day or two” that I do not have to browbeat him with my unwillingness to be strung along. And yes, Lurk, he does strike me as rather “chaotic” (good word) rather than just a douchebag whose planning to bail on me, but I don’t really want either type of man to be honest. I cannot tell in this case if I am dealing with “clueless” or “cowardly/malicious,” but who needs either type? Not I. I nwo in teh past I made excuses for seemingly clueless men…and in at least a few cases, they ended up actually jsut being on the malicious side of the equation. And I’m always surprised at how they could be like that AND at how I could have been so clueless myself!!

    So, yes, I am making other plans for tonight. What’s funny, is that those plans will be in HIS town, which is where my bestie Annie Clyde lives and whose house I’ll probably go to tonight after the wine class. He was going to be down here in MY town for his son’s game right near the college where I am taking my class, and now I’m going back his way. Hee. So, Lurk, your thoughts that “maybe I can fit him in” will work if he goes home.

    Thanks so much, everyone. I am resolved not to text. I almost did several times this morning, but I wanted to check here first. So glad I did.

    Why does this have to be so hard???? I’m with you, Lurk, politeness is never a bad choice.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:02am

  268. 268: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Turquiose. I think it’s so cool that you made a break with Tom. Sometimes we know what’s best for us even though it’s hard to do. Brava! I know that I often choose “what feels good now” and then wonder why I get so hurt. I am going to take a lesson from you.

    You took a great step toward raising your vibe and esteem for the right one.

    Peace :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:09am

  269. 269: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    THIS IS SOOO HARD. checking his fb, my phone every 3 seconds lol.

    now i know how he feels

    i have compassion for both of us feeling this way or having felt this way.

    but it doesn’t mean it’s ok or healthy to give into the pattern’s impulses to harass or hound or push.

    although i am starting to realize that he never did anything wrong by rushing or ‘pressuring,’ that was his role and mine was to hold my boundaries. so if something felt bad and communication wasn’t working, i should have taken care of myself and separated until i felt better, instead of staying glued to his hip hoping he would make me feel comfortable and whole again.

    the whole thing is fascinating. by not taking care of myself and my own boundaries, it pushed him away from being able to do much on his own to also take care of me.

    ahhh this is hard lol. must. not. hound. him.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:20am

  270. 270: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I had my lunch date with SexyOlderGuy yesterday. It was bittersweet – I was so excited to see him. We had a great time and caught up and he sounded like he wanted to make plans to see me again but no plans were made. I didn’t use any feeling messages because I couldn’t figure out how to use them! I did text him later though (lean forward, I know) that it felt good to see him again. He texted back saying that was a good thing and he agreed.

    The bittersweet part is that to me he seems like a freebird – he can pretty much take off for the weekend whenever he wants – and he does. I just don’t know how I could ever fit into his lifestyle. :(

    In the meantime, my guy with no job is calling me everyday and making plans with me for next weekend when my daughter goes to her dad’s. I wish I could say the no job thing doesn’t bother me but it does. Should I tell him that? I’m not asking him to change anything….it may just be my issue because it bothers me? I don’t see him as lazy, but I also don’t see that he has a stable future.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:24am

  271. 271: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sarah If you play games you will get a game player. Rori advises to be authentic and real no game playing. It seems to me that he might be addicted to drama from what you write. Daria might be able to help you express that in ways that he can hear as in telling him what you don’t want and sharing the icky feelings in the moment.

    Staying on the phone hours with him is encouraging him to be a phone romeo and not having to step up because he has so much of your attention. Their is no mystery and nothing to crave. It is my belief that you can create an imaginary relationship through telephone conversation as opposed to physical face to face close connection. Seems to me like you need to get busy living your life rather than being available to him when he calls or yourself leaning forward and calling him because you are bored or your instincts is pushing you to call. That way you will not be playing games, you will be genuinely busy to the point of forgetting about him. Vote for yourself with your presence or absence thereof, as Jacqueline puts it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:27am

  272. 272: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Shift your focus elsewhere…. are you on any dating sites? Check and see who your new matches are. Planning to see a movie anytime soon? Read some reviews, check showtimes…. want to try a new dish? Research some recipes. Call your stylist and make an appointment for a trim, or a manicure. :) Take care of you…shift the vibe to something positive, and give your brain a break. You’ve been so focused on him and the relationship all week. Just try to shift it, and then when he does reply, you’ll feel better.

    Big hugs!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:15am

  273. 273: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    T-Girl, no job would be a boundary issue for me. If it makes you feel bad, acknowledge that. If he’s off on disability or laid off or something, ok, that is one thing. If he can’t keep a job, big red flag.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:16am

  274. 274: turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Thanks Boomer :) I just keep saying, if I want things to be different, I have to do different things. :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:21am

  275. 275: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, turquoise! Sounds so simple but so hard to do, right? But I’m doing it…starting….now

    all in all though, the couple of days of true silence made me feel much better and gave me a chance to recuperate and heal a bit.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:25am

  276. 276: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    feelin good and hella tired at my sisters house

    felt wonderful

    did EFT

    thank you Daria

    felt overcome by past vibes at times, babysteps to change it to LOVE

    pink in the network of nerves behind the heart

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:27am

  277. 277: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com/how-well-do-you-really-know-him/#more-632
    The result at this “infatuation stage” is that you fall fast and hard and the part of you that longs for romance jumps to all sorts of conclusions about what a great man he is. In your eyes he becomes everything you’ve ever wanted, and you already can see him as your ideal husband.

    To find the right man, you have to hold back your wishful thinking and wait to let time reveal the truth of who a man really is. He will not be perfect and he will have faults, just like you.

    You have to be aware of what you are assuming you know about this “stranger” and look at him without your rosey glasses.

    Be aware how your mind naturally defaults into what I call “positive hoping.”

    I’m not telling you to expect the worst from a man and watch for it, I’m just warning you that because your desire for a relationship is so strong your tendency will be to only see what will get you closer to that reality.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:37am

  278. 278: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Regarding this post,

    I did this very thing this morning.

    Last night I spent the night with my guy in his bed (no sex just cuddles) and this morning when I woke up I snuggled into him and then after a while he turned the other way.

    And I thought ‘why is he ignoring me?’

    And then I thought ‘he is thinking about his ex’ which led to ‘he is comparing us and he wishes I was her!’

    And then ‘she is thinner and younger than me!’

    And then I felt really tense and needy.

    And then I began to think maybe he was panicking bc we already live together and he was thinking that what if he needed some space… etc etc…

    And how funny that this was all in my head, based on no evidence and my mind went into overdrive and I ended up feeling tense and needy.

    At the time I knew what was happening and couldn’t think how to shift my focus back onto me.

    Later, when I came away and was driving up to the city I got involved in thinking about other things, listening to music and enjoying the scenery and the drive, and suddenly he text me a really nice text apologising for being in a rush this morning and he had been late for work, with loads of kisses.

    So easy to shift the vibe if I can just keep in mind how to do it when stuff comes up.

    Great post!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:03am

  279. 279: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Today I am feeling quite tired and low energy.

    I feel tense and would like a hot bath and some me time.

    Unfortunately this will not happen as I am in the city working and then meeting a friend who I haven’t seen for ages and she wants to go out dancing.

    Then tomorrow night it’s my brother’s g,friends hen do. Then Sunday another work app before finally driving home!

    Maybe I can chill out a bit at my friend’s house though.

    I hope so.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:06am

  280. 280: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Btw –

    Thanks and hugs to everyone who commented on my posts on the last thread.

    It felt so nice to be supported with love.

    xoxoxox

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:07am

  281. 281: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen from last thread post 522,

    Hell yeah, I love buffets!

    ;-) xoxox

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:07am

  282. 282: maliNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Daria! (From a way, waaaay previous post ;))

    I’m still feeling hooked on cocky guy’s chemistry… it’s incredible! And to know that I’m respecting myself and allowing *him* to do the chasing feels even better.

    I do think that he’ll ask me out eventually, but he’s probably scared I’ll say no. When he asked me out for “drinks” with himself and some others, the way he was watching my face for a reaction, the slight insecurity that passed his face when I told him I’d be busy this weekend… Oh, he cares. He cares. And I feel GOOD knowing that.

    But: I’ll let time have its way, and I won’t focus on him… I’ll live my life, be happy, and in the meantime, let the men pour like rain! ;)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:21am

  283. 283: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    the other day I said to myself, how would I feel if I were sure he already loved me? how would I be different? how would I act?

    then I asked myself, how would he treat me if he loved me? and I started realizing he’s already treating me that way, so I just relaxed and felt good and noticed how well he treats me.

    now there are more things I’m noticing about him growing closer. So maybe it’s more about asking different questions to change the vibe?

    I have even pretended and acted like everything is already the way I would love it (act as if). and frankly, that always makes me feel better about myself, because I start to realize that reality is not that far off from my dreams. :-)

    off to work

    hugs,

    summerbaby

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:27am

  284. 284: SummerBabyNo Gravatar says:

    mali,

    when they ask like that, you can say, I would love to, but such and such is planned, or I have other plans… that way they know you are not saying, back off…

    so when he comes around again and starts flirting you can say, btw, thanks for the invite, I would have loved to go… so he knows you’re still interested.
    hugs,
    summerbaby

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:31am

  285. 285: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria re 50

    LMAO! xx

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:32am

  286. 286: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    I wrote you a heartfelt post, #113, and I just want to make sure you saw it.

    Love, Brenda

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:45am

  287. 287: MariaNo Gravatar says:

    Re:277 to Femininewoman
    Hello there thanx for giving the email adresses a few days ago. I emailed her just now hope she gets my email. =)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:47am

  288. 288: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Btw Sirens,

    I think Beyonce the singer is a Siren. Maybe she is even on Siren island with us!

    If you listen to the lyrics in her songs they scream Siren!

    There is one where she says ‘ran by the men but the women keep the tempo’ which is pretty much exactly what Rori says about the Rori Raye dance in Modern Siren!

    Next time you listen to her songs see what you think.

    Upgrade you is a classic example!

    ;-)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:55am

  289. 289: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so silly. I wish I had just left a message instead of vaguely calling him at 730 in the morning and not leaving a message. Now I’m left fretting about if he will call me back. He probably thought I just called for a ride to work or something, lol. Or to tell him I was done forever, lol. Sigh.

    What a day.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:57am

  290. 290: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    581 + 578 FW from previous thread

    Hi! :)
    You told me to come check your post, so here I came

    *** I asked my mother what did she do because I thought she must have moved something. ***

    The “on” button of your parents was pushed by this question, which started them off .

    Try to ask
    ”Mom? Are you all right? I heard a slap in the kitchen, do you need help?”
    Silence means she is not all right, she might have caught the electricity in the body

    Or she might answer
    “I am fine thanks. I stumbled against a pack of milk, that’s what you heard”
    or
    “I am fine, thanks. I pushed the kettle button on and the light went off”
    (In such case you got your technical answer)
    or
    “I am fine, I am just standing in the dark in the kitchen. Don’t know what the noise was.”

    To which you can say
    “I need to collect information to think what to do. I need to know what we each were doing when the light went off.”

    your father and mother might answer
    “I was reading, I was plugging nothing”
    and
    “I was drinking milk from the fridge, I was plugging nothing”
    then you can say
    “Well, in this case, I might call an electrician? It does not seem to be related to anything we did”

    But if your post means that while you were looking at the breakers something happened;
    you could ask
    “I heard a noise in the kitchen just now and I need to know if it is related to any electrical staff? Has anything been plugged in or turned on just now?

    “What did you do?”might mean many things.
    If their hearts are made of fear, shame and guilt since their childhood, the least reminder of guilt will trigger their anxiety.
    Your father uses insults to express his shame and his dislike against himself. He does not think he is good enough. He can’t believe he deserves a “quality” daughter. Something got to be wrong with her or else she is not his.

    Were you his first born?
    If so, he might have gone through the process of giving himself the permission to be a father trough your birth. He first denied the link.
    “She is not unworthy like me. People like me do not make quality people like baby FW.
    My wife can not love me to the point she gives me a child, I don’t deserve a quality child like baby FW”
    And he makes up the story the child is not his. If you are not his child, it makes reality fit his anxiety.
    Plus if you are not his child, he won’t have to pay life for such happiness to have such a good quality daughter.

    If you are not his first born, it can be that you are “the” quality daughter, among his children, and he can’t believe he deserves such a luck to be your father.
    He looks for the proof there is something wrong with you, that would allow him to be your father.

    In any case, it is about his feeling of being unworthy of your qualities. Could be a deeply wounded man.

    When he expressed his doubts, when you were a child, he could have been fishing for reassurance. It is a very common harmful way to fish for reassurance. They don’t realize how harmful it can be. Your siblings heard it and repeated it. You misunderstood the whole thing when you were a child. Your mother might have repeated the fact that he said it, which might be true and you did not catch to what extend it was a fishing tool in their couple.

    I would ask my father :
    “I don’t want to intrude your private life with your wife, daddy, but it is something I can’t go on without knowing any more. I love you, which is independent from the story of my birth. But I came to a point in my life I can’t move forward, a question is blocking my road. Do you believe I am your daughter?”

    ///////// If he says “yes”
    I would tell him I keep reminding the comments I heard as a child.
    Tell him which comments and ask him to explain them to you.
    If he can bare it and explains it, when he is finished, tell him something like:
    “When my father insults me, I think he believes I am not his daughter and he hates me for it. I feel scared and lost and trapped in something I can have no influence to improve. I can’t improve the story of my birth. Nobody can. I am not responsible for whom are my father and mother and I feel desperately orphan when my father insults me. My heart closes to protect from the insults. And I go in life heart closed to happiness and joy. Can you help me to keep my heart opened to love?”

    ///////// If he says “no” (To the original question)
    Ask him to explain when the doubts entered his mind and see from there where it takes you. Don’t try to hear from him the truth about your birth
    Only your mother knows the Truth.
    What you want to know is what he believes. And you want to know if his doubts are based on pragmatic details, like she had a lover back then and so on. In which case real events are ruining it for him.
    Or he points at physical and personality details that make him doubt but he says his wife never did or said anything to make him think she was sleeping with another man. His feeling of unworthiness are ruining it for him
    Or nothing at all, it is just an idea he’s had. Intuition sometimes spot on or feelings of unworthiness ruining his intuition.

    No matter why he doubts, you can tell him something like:
    “I believe you are my father, and I hurt when you doubt. Each of your insults to me reminds me you doubt. Your doubts make me doubt my own existence. It blocks my life away from love. You and I are the same, outsiders of our own stories. I will never know the truth for sure, no more than you will. We can only believe what we are told … Only my mother knows. And sometimes mothers don’t know for sure either. I trust the story life gave me and gives all of us = “This is your father, this is your mother and they are your siblings.” I believe my story. I don’t want your doubts to leave me orphan. Do you allow me to love you as the father you are to me, the father I have always loved and never doubted since I was born? Can you help me with staying your daughter? I want to stay your daughter. Do you want to be my father? I want your fatherly love.”

    Your father on one hand criticizes and insults, to express his own disliking about himself, and on the other hand he does his job.
    The job of a father is the loud voice that makes children get back in the right track. He must separate babies from the mother. The mother is not made to push her baby away, but the baby must learn to walk away. It is the job of the father to call him away from the mother with his loud voice and his pragmatic point of view and to inspire the baby to walk away from Mommy towards Daddy and the dangerous world outside.
    Hence some mothers will tell the father what she can’t handle with the children. She wants him to do his job and make the children walk straight towards their destiny.
    Teen agers rebel to stop that dynamic to a certain point. They stop speaking to the parents. They don’t trust anymore. They feel singled out facing a team. They enter a war against the team. Home becomes a war zone.

    Your father probably keeps doing his job. They are a team. The team that worked to raise their family. She tells him, and he tells you how to improve. He can’t let go off control; he needs to make you do things a certain way.
    His anxiety and sense of being unworthy kicks in his way to do his job. He shouts and puts his child down, he sees the worst in the least detail. He points at the negative. He might even judge a style as negative when it really is a style that works. He staid stuck in being the father who knows best and he is anxious that if he does not impose his style, his child will never learn.
    He feels too insecure about himself and too unsafe in the world to let go off his child and to admit she has a style of her own. He probably does not feel in control of his life.

    You can try to impose your boundaries.
    Him “what a silly woman, have you ever seen such a stupid thing? That’s not the way to handle the mower”
    Don’t fight it, go with the wave.
    Turn the mower off and let go, from your hands
    and you walk towards you Daddy with a warm smile and you kiss him on the cheeks.
    You, in a gentle tone “ Go ahead the mower is all yours, show me how you do it, I am all eyes and ears.”

    I suppose he can’t do it because he is ill. Keep speaking, holding his hand, caressing it, looking in his eyes, as gentle as possible.
    Say something like:
    “I hear your frustration Daddy. You wish you could do it and you feel useless now that you are ill.
    Daddy I want respect from you, you will never be useless.
    You don’t need to mow the lawn for me to feel the respect from you.
    I want respect and appreciation from my father. I can pay any man to mow the lawn.
    If I am really bad a mowing, I will see it myself, rest reassure of that. I will see the mower broken or the lawn looking awful. I will learn from it and use the mower in a better way next time or I will ask you for advice or I will pay a worker to do the job, but the lawn will look good.
    If I don’t do any of these things it will be my choice too, it will mean my happiness is not in the way a lawn looks.
    My happiness is in receiving respect from my father and when I don’t feel it, it blocks the will to want anything else.

    Daddy if it makes you feel good to give me advices, wait for me to ask for them.

    I appreciate you taught me to walk away from home, to feel secure enough to work and buy my own house. This is the strength you put inside me and I love you for that. You did a good job.
    But that’s it, Daddy, you can stop teaching me to walk, because I am running, I am cycling fast now..

    When you hold on the bicycle from behind to make sure I don’t fall from it, you are stopping me from reaching towards my destiny. You are keeping me back from where the other people are.
    Your critics sound like insults like you holding on my bicycle for ever.
    I do understand you want me to be safe and to move forwards with no falling from the bicycle.
    Your intention is endearing.
    But you got to let me go now, I have been cycling for such a long time and every time you hold me back with your critics, it makes me fall from the bicycle.

    ___You are doing to me what you don’t want life to do to me.___

    You keep grabbing on the bicycle and it keeps making me lose the balance. It stops me in life, throws me on the ground, and I get back up on my feet more bruised still. And more scared of cycling than before.

    We are family Daddy, we interact to recharge our batteries of self confidence with respect. We have no other reason to interact, nowadays. I don’t need you for protection or a roof or food anymore. You did a great job at teaching me how to get these myself. Today, I need you for love and respect. This is why we keep being a family.
    I don’t feel your love right now, I feel pushed away by critics and insults so I will leave.
    When you feel ready to address me with the respect you owe to yourself, call me, I will be happy to receive your respect because I want it and I miss it.
    Bye for now.“

    And you give him a sincere kiss and you leave with no drama every time he gets himself caught in his anxiety and self despising.

    And keep in mind anything you tell your mother or do in front of you mother will be repeated to the other member of their team. They would be divorced if their team was not on anymore.

    Other example:
    you: “what did you do?”
    your father: ”there she goes again, why do you accuse your mother, bla bla bla you always fu**ing do this and that bla bla bla”
    you : “I am sorry Mum my words upset you. I am not thinking you are guilty of the power cut. I feel sad that you feel attacked. I was seeking the info what hardware was being turned on/off when the light went off and my question was not clear.
    Dad thanks for standing up for Mum. It feels reassuring that you take care of my mother.
    I don’t feel good and protected that you yell at me, though.
    I don’t want you and Mum to feel attacked by my words. I feel sad because attacking my parents is the last thing I want to do. I love you.
    Can you help me when you feel attacked? Can you chose to say it calmly so we can clear it up? I feel sad and abandoned when you chose to feel attacked.“

    If he tones down, you take it from there

    If he keeps insulting, you might tell him
    “I love and respect you, Dad, and I apply what you taught me.
    You taught me to not let people walk all over me.
    I don’t expect to hear insults when I am being addressed.
    I am sure you don’t mean to hurt me, but I feel hurt and disconnected when I hear the “…” and “…” words and when bad intentions are assumed in my communication.
    I will stop interacting when I hear the least insult or critic. Let me know when you are ready for a respectful communication. I won’t take any more insults.”
    And you leave the room, or the house itself if necessary.

    xxx

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:02pm

  291. 291: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    why didn’t i leave a message? i guess if he wasn’t answering he wasn’t available to talk, and id idn’t want to leave a message and leave it hanging on us both all day long. or worse, text back and forth all day long. i just don’t want to put added pressure on our difficult enough lives. either of us.

    that’s not silly. i’m not silly. i’m only silly for sitting here worrying about it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:11pm

  292. 292: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling really good today. Elated, in fact.

    I’m paying very close attention to my feelings and what causes ups and downs.

    I was feeling triggered this morning and instead of reacting, I say down and did body awareness meditation ala Rori Raye.

    I feel nausous (sp?)
    I love my nausea
    and that feels like tingling in my head
    I love the tingling in my head.

    That process quickly brought me out of my head and back into the now.

    I felt smiley.

    Then I started noticing my little habits that I do that are my “tells” that I am starting to feel out of balance. My ways of avoiding them.

    Such things as snacking
    starting to mental loop about things
    procrastinating
    mindlessly cruising the Internet

    These things usually end up making me feel worse after the intial distaction from the feelings of discomfort wear off.

    I feel more aware of when I am starting to slip out of my good feeling place and I am finding more constructive ways to soothe my discomfort.

    I also made a really cool to do list that makes everything I have to do feel fun. Or rather it helps change my perspective so that I see these things as fun.

    Corin: I know I am using feeling good and bad here. It makes sense to me in this context as an indicator of if I’m on my right path.

    I love studying LOA and combining it with Rori’s tools! I feel so empowered!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:27pm

  293. 293: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Loneplum I will keep those points for next time something comes up. I have to go through them again to really let them settle into my consciousness.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:32pm

  294. 294: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Maria try again
    melanie@coachrori.com or rori@coachrori.com
    It might even be helpful to mention you concern here again and address it to Tinque. She might be able to help.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:33pm

  295. 295: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh. Bear with me a little longer on my “date” situation for tonight. This man unglues me! Rarely does a guy make me doubt myself like this. He texted me (to my work phone again–I’ve given him my new number several times and have told him clearly that I sometimes don’t keep the work phone with me and that he should use the new number, but that’s splitting hairs, I know)–and he asked if I still “want to meet tonight. Let me know.”

    I feel angry that he’s putting it back on me to “let him know.” I already said yes earlier in the week, right?? Is it not HIS job to follow up with a plan? And he suggested A BAR again. I am concerned that the alcohol factor makes him think he’s gonna get laid. I know I control that–but it makes me sad. (And I get the irrationality of it–I want him to make the plan, but I don’t like it.)

    I feel like disrespecting him the way I feel disrespected and I feel like screaming at him. A riff follows:

    “I do not want to meet a man who asks me out and then does not confirm until that late afternoon! I made other plans!” (Which I kinda did–but Annie’s boyfriend is here and I know he’d rather I not be a third wheel AGAIN.)

    “Do I want to meet? Well when you asked me out on Tuesday, I said YES, so…duh! I thought YOU were making plans!”

    “I feel embarrassed thinking that you just want to hook up with me and that you don’t actually have romantic interest in me. I feel devalued even going into this date.”

    “I feel embarrassed that I like you and have given you another chance and you don’t put much effort into calling, seeing, or contacting me.”

    “I feel like I am taking crumbs. I don’t want to spend my rare free time with a man who treats me like he’s meeting up with a buddy and not like a woman he is romantically interested in.”

    “I don’t want to go to a bar. I want a man who asks to see me plan something nice and personal where we can talk and not have to scream ‘What?’ every time one of us speaks!”

    OK…I feel better.

    But I don’t know what to say to him. A part of me wants to go meet him, but I feel so…like above…embarrassed. Accepting this crumb-y “date” seems beneath the siren I want to be.

    I HATE texting. It feels lazy and like there’s no desire to invest time and clear communication. I want to call him and say some of these things above, but I suspect he is so clueless that he’ll just think I’m a hormonal whack-job when all he wants to do is get together, see a band, have a few drinks. What’s the big deal, crazy woman?? (AND get laid–the bar he suggested is near my home and nowhere near the wine class and his kid’s game–ugh, I feel even sicker now!)

    I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because a) I like him and b) I am naive and hopeful and c) I want a date tonight. And I think I can just go and try to be surprised and have no expectations. If I do not like the way things are progressing, I can tell him what I want and do not want and ask what he thinks.

    Do I call or text back? Wording suggestions???

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:38pm

  296. 296: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    aut viam inveniam aut faciam
    I will either find a way or make one.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:48pm

  297. 297: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Maria try again rori@coachrori.com

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:48pm

  298. 298: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s the convo right now between my bff and I about our docu project. I don’t know what to do to ease his mind. I’m tired of feeling afraid. It makes me feel stiff when we interview people.

    Me: I’d like to buy a 5d like you have and shoot some of the project myself. Like, when it’s me and another girl subject alone.

    Him: Babe, to buy even just the lens, it’s 3K$. Besides, this is our project. I’m the who made up this whole thing. There are 2 chicks you can interview on your own because I date them before and it’d be weird. But to go off on your own, people are just gonna see it as only your project.

    Me: It is our project. Always will be. But there’s times I’d like to be alone with the subject.

    (true. and i omitted ‘and away from your verbal abuse and making me feel stupid, which makes me feel stiff around the ppl I have to interview’.)

    Him: Well, investing that much $$$ leads me to believe you want to do that more often than sometimes.

    Me: I guess whenvr. Example, on the re-occurring ppl we shoot, sometimes it’ll just be me with them, but mostly it’ll be both of us. I’ve seen many docus shot that way and it’s still a team effort.

    Me: My photo trigger is itching; I want to feel creative. I’d like to bring more to the table than wrangling up subjects and handling the side cam and mics, and interviews q’s.

    Him: Do whatever you want. You seem to know everything.

    Me: I want you to feel proud of stuff I shoot.

    Him: Do whatever you want. Thanks for discussing a plan with me.

    Me: I’m discussing it now as we speak.

    Him: This isn’t about me feeling proud. And again, you TELLING me. You’re not discussing.

    Him: It’s like me showing you how to do something while we’re shooting, and you asking me again and saying you’re just trying to learn.

    Me: Should I have started off with “I’m thing about_____. What do you think?”

    Him: OK, so buy a 5d and figure it out, do whatever, whenever.

    Him: You started off as a statement. You didn’t even think to ask me in a question.

    Him: And btw the creative part is for the editor later. It’s not like I’m being that creative. I’m just making things are technically right during shooting. The creative part comes in later. Creative now is in planning and forthought.

    Me: I feel what you’re doing is creative. I absolutely agree with what you just said, right down to visually and taking into acct our limits with light and audio.

    Him: Fine. Like I said, do what you want.

    Me: I just wondered if there’s times where I could capture more magic because it’s just me and the girl.

    Him: Do what’s best for the docu. If it’s so important to you, go ahead and invest in (names off equip list)

    Him: JUst tell me when and where and I’ll show up, right?

    Him: You never bothered to discuss this with me and there are more variables than making the subject feel comfortable.

    Me: PLease don’t look at this in an extreme way. No docu works like ‘just tell me when and where.’ Esp with our friendship.

    Him: Ok no prob. You take care of everything so you can feel creative, right?

    Me: PLease stop with these extreme measure when you feel angry.

    Him: I want you to do what’s best for you since you know everything and you know whats best for the docu.

    Me; I dont see whats wrong with me shooting some stuff alone sometimes.

    Him: Nope. You have it figured it. You know whats best.

    Him: I don’t like surprises that come out of left field. Which is exactly what you’re doing.

    Me: Ok, then how about I get another smaller cam with the vid specifics we need. And with my own money, I buy us that monitor you want?

    Him: Whatever you want. You know everything. Monitors are $600 btw.

    Me: I would love to get us a monitor.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:53pm

  299. 299: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, let him lead
    Your response (in whatever medium he initiated): “Yes, I still feel interested in meeting you. Would feel much easier to communicate X way”

    then you go from there. Let him lead, respond with feeling messages and don’t wants.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:53pm

  300. 300: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn, yuck, stop engaging him. do the walk away. “being talked to like this feels bad and i am going to go.”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:56pm

  301. 301: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    he will say “talking to you like what? you’re the wrong one”

    don’t engage. don’t respond. being told sarcastically over and over that you know everything and calling you a know it all is NOT okay.

    trying to beat that into his head will not work. do the walk away for now and revisit with more feeling messages later

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:58pm

  302. 302: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, I’m with Dorothea. I know this project is important to you (and sounds like it has cost a lot of money), but he is very…I don’t know…if it’s exactly as you say, you tried so hard to be mature and to communicate what you want clearly. He is…aggressive, passive-aggressive, psychologically abusive.

    I felt angry just reading it. Is he always like this? or just about this project? A big yuck from my corner.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 12:58pm

  303. 303: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Dorothea. I sent just that message. But from the right phone ;)

    I have to be a little subversive–it’s just who I am!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:04pm

  304. 304: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    When I tried doing the walkaway, he threatened to destroy the tapes. That’s MONTHS of footage.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:07pm

  305. 305: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    He said he will call me after work–did not want to bother me at work. Replied that I am home today with a sick child and that the wine class starts at 6:00. I hope he can put it together…call me before 6:00!!!

    You guys are so awesome. I am so in control and rational and mature in my real life….it feels so good to come on here and be a crazy person and just unload my tightly controlled frustrations.

    Thanks.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:08pm

  306. 306: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer if you sense he is clueless it might be good to call him, that is if you could avoid giving away any resentment in your tone of voice.
    “I feel embarrassed that I like you and now I feel devalued. I did say yes and I like to get confirmations early.”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:10pm

  307. 307: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, hed be shooting himself in the foot to destroy them.

    I’d be tempted to call his bluff.

    This does not sound like a nice man, K. Or a good friend for that matter. The memory of my own ex’s similar manipulations (“you try to leave and I’ll take the kids and run away”) just came up in my head. These are threats of a person with a very loose grip on his own control and self-esteem. Please be careful!!!

    Don’t walk away in a huff. Just state your truth, something like: “This feels awful. I want my mutual respect with my business partner, and right now, I’m not feeling it. We’ll talk when we’re both calm.”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:12pm

  308. 308: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn It seems he might be feeling like you are controlling which would be his stuff. I also sense that he feels you might be criticizing his work as if something is wrong with it and you are not happy with it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:14pm

  309. 309: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 307 I like that kaitlyn.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:15pm

  310. 310: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I don’t think I can hide the resentment. I will meet with him and sense the vibe, allow him to lead, and see how I’m feeling about the interaction. If I continue to like him and feel comfortable with him, I will say I want a relationship for myself and that the way the date transpired made me uncomfortable.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:15pm

  311. 311: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    That is a toxic man. Kenny does a lot of that shit. It’s reverse psychology, and it’s disrespectful and insulting. The underlying message is you would fall flat on your face without me.

    I agree with them about the feeling messages and walk away.

    Did you see my post to you on #113?

    Brenda

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:18pm

  312. 312: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Me: You learn in a snowstorm. You learn in a blizzard. You’re industructable and I admire you for that. For me, worrying about the other person;s reaction gets in the way of me memorizing to learn.

    Him: You are completely full of it. NO! You’re worried that YOU don’t pay attn and now I’m pissed.

    Me: I’ve been wanting to say these things a long time. Not just for our project but for our friendship. It’s been difficult me to put into words and sensitivity for both of us.

    Him: You can’t even be taught things you’ve asked to be taught. You don’t pay attn. Stop blaming it on me. That’s why I’m mad. You make me feel used about talking about Adam, too

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:20pm

  313. 313: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    He is trying to control you. If you walked away, I guarantee you, he would not destroy the work you did together any more than Kenny would end our friendship. Been there, done that.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:20pm

  314. 314: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I can’t stop crying

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:22pm

  315. 315: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    312 no offense brenda, but kenny’s in jail. he ain’t going anywhere. besides, my bff is someone with many choices in life. many.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:25pm

  316. 316: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I feel this is a clue ” And again, you TELLING me. You’re not discussing”.

    It seems he wants to be spoken with not “spoken at” or told. Maybe a tweak is “is now a good time to talk? I have some ideas about the project and am wondering if you would be willing to consider my ideas?” It is possible that he experienced your first statement as if you had already decided and was just informing him because you are not happy with his ideas. Granted he might be oversensitive about something else or just a bad whatever, but you focus is tweaking your communication so you get guys in general to open up rather than getting their resistance.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:25pm

  317. 317: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer feeling resentment would come out in your vibe and maybe as not taking care of yourself by not communicating it?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:27pm

  318. 318: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I am happy that you are crying. Bug hugs to you. You are cleansing yourself and healing.

    There he goes he mentioned Adam again. I sense his issue is with Adam or he might be mad with you because you are so hung up about Adam rather than taking care of yourself.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:29pm

  319. 319: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Big (((hugs))))) kaitlyn.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:31pm

  320. 320: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Btw, Sirens, I’m going back to whoring since Adam prolly ain’t coming back. I need the money for this docu. This docu means everything to me. Fsck Adam. Fsck having any boyfriend ever. This docu is my only ticket.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:31pm

  321. 321: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    317 I haven’t even brought up Adam in weeks because this docu and thinking first about what I say to my bff so he doesnt blow up, is the forefront of my mind.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:33pm

  322. 322: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn people might not agree with me on this but I would suggest putting yourself in your friends shoe and imagine how he might feel weighed down with the negative energy that you have been carrying around since Adam left. That might be a clue to his toxicity towards you??

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:34pm

  323. 323: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 321 Yeah but he said
    “Him: You can’t even be taught things you’ve asked to be taught. You don’t pay attn. Stop blaming it on me. That’s why I’m mad. You make me feel used about talking about Adam, too”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:36pm

  324. 324: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    “kaitlyn I feel this is a clue ” And again, you TELLING me. You’re not discussing”.

    It seems he wants to be spoken with not “spoken at” or told. Maybe a tweak is “is now a good time to talk? I have some ideas about the project and am wondering if you would be willing to consider my ideas?” It is possible that he experienced your first statement as if you had already decided and was just informing him because you are not happy with his ideas. Granted he might be oversensitive about something else or just a bad whatever, but you focus is tweaking your communication so you get guys in general to open up rather than getting their resistance.”

    Just texted him, “I apologize. What I shouldve done was ask when’s a good time to talk about some ideas I have to share. I didn’t mean to sound controlling in any way.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:36pm

  325. 325: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    FW, I am feeling resentful right now, and hurt, but by tonight after my wine class (have I mentioned how excited I am about that???), I know my own vibe will have shifted a little to more relaxed and more fulfilled personally. I will be fine, and I think, even excited to see what this guy has to offer. The thing about wine tasting is that you don’t really drink–you swish and spit– so I may ingest just that touch of alcohol to help me relax but not enough to blow my diet or make me feel concerned that I’m going to get slutty :)

    I’ve been home all day with a sick kid, so I’ve had too much time to ponder. Had I been at work today and busy, I would not have been this angsty about this date.

    Thanks, all, and wish me luck!!!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:39pm

  326. 326: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooo, I love your last post to him Kaitlyn. That feels like an opening to me. I see potential in this conversation.

    How are you feeling after writing that? I feel curious to hear how he responds.

    I 100% agree with everything FW is saying. I feel very confident in her feedback here, I don’t feed the need to add much more other than I see potential here for a healing conversation.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:42pm

  327. 327: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 324 Now the ball is in his court. Kaitlyn this will show you if he is able to accept you as a human being and acknowledge when you are trying to respect him. We all make mistakes. I would suggest that somehow you focus on being respectful with him so he respects you as a partner. If he cannot respect you when you respect him, it says a lot about his character, nothing about you.

    I have heard a coach say men want respect and appreciation. I would focus on the respect with this guy even if I had to admit that maybe I don’t know how to do it with him and seek his help in helping me to show him the respect he deserves as a human being.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:43pm

  328. 328: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Good luck Boomer. Just remember to do the tapping using your thumb on your fingertips while on the date or the All That tool to keep yourself in your own body and noticing your feelings.

    I always feel good about you though.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:45pm

  329. 329: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I guess the other reason why I came off as TELLING instead of ASKING was to prove that i do take things upon my own initiative. A big complaint of his is that i dont take initiative.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:46pm

  330. 330: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Wow FW! My mind feels blown by the clarity and directness of your communication and feedback to Kaitlyn. I feel admiring and so in agreement and a teensy bit envious ;-).

    Wishing I could be so eloquent and also reminding myself that I am in my own way.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:49pm

  331. 331: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 329 Has he given specific feedback about what he is referring to when he mentions initiative?

    Could this current rift have been “taking initiative on his initiative?”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:51pm

  332. 332: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 330 Thanks but what I have read from you here I am sure you can. Also looking from the outside in things tend to be clearer than we all are embroiled in the situation ourselves. Trust me I messed up over the weekend. But I don’t beat myself up. I just review the events and write my speech for next time around. I am learning to love myself and it feels grrrrreeeaaaat. Now I feel like Tony the Tiger

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:54pm

  333. 333: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    RE: #314 – You said, 312 no offense brenda, but kenny’s in jail. he ain’t going anywhere. besides, my bff is someone with many choices in life. many.”

    I feel yucky and angry reading that. What does Kenny being in prison have to do with anything?? We are talking about toxic, controlling, passive aggressive men. They are in palaces, upper class neighborhoods, working on documentaries, in ghettos, and in prisons.

    I feel unsafe relating to you.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:55pm

  334. 334: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    RE: #319 – Is going back to whoring is a way you say, “I am choosing to go on hating myself”?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:57pm

  335. 335: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn is hurting and might not be saying the best things for her own good. Is it possible to put yourself in her shoes Brenda. I am sure she means no harm at least not more than what she is doing to herself. People are not necessarily rational when they are down.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 1:57pm

  336. 336: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    I have a question if my daughter tells me I hate you I feel hurt and disappointment. I am wondering if sharing my feelings in the moment works to bring her close to me. Or should I expect turmoil intially then a softening from her? Any mothers experience that?

    I ask because sometimes people lash out when they are hurting and we tend to defend ourselves but I am not certain that is the time to do it or that it would help the relationship in any way.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:01pm

  337. 337: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, and I get the sense from what Kaitlyn has said that this documentary is very important to her. It seems she wants to find a way to communicate constructively with him rather than label him or walk away.

    I admire her willingness to acknowledge her own part in the toxic communication and therefore guide it in an more healthy direction.

    In my experience, this kind of attitude can affect quick changes in how a man relates to us.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:04pm

  338. 338: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    FW: I used to tell my mother that I hated her when what I meant was “I feel unheard” or frustrated or whatever.

    Maybe you can ask her

    “are you feeling unheard?”

    Once you understand how she is feeling an opening might occur.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:07pm

  339. 339: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 337 That is what I want to see for kaitlyn. This is high stakes for her but an opportunity to practice and babystep her way forward. I really hope this turns around for you kaitlyn.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:08pm

  340. 340: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I hate myself regardless. Whoring just means “hate but now fortified with money so I can pay my bills”

    It just sucks knowing I still have to rely on it for money. Vid equip and time to interview ppl costs both us money. Only his ‘real’ job pays more than mine. Hence, supplementing the project and my rent, car payment, etc with whoring. Yeah, whoring makes me feel like I’m taking 3 steps back in life but it’s either bite the bullet or starve.

    And as far as Kenny, yes such personality traits aren’t restricted to social status. I just figured being in prison, he didn’t have a lot of choices as to making friends on the outside.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:11pm

  341. 341: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 338 Thanks for the suggesting and will keep that in mind. Recognizing the emotion under the words.

    I actually asked because of 333 above. I know we are encouraged speak our feelings in the moment but sometimes I get the sense that things need to be put in context and that our expressing might not come across as we had planned. Or even as an attack, though we are just taking care of ourselves.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:11pm

  342. 342: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 340 “whoring makes me feel like I’m taking 3 steps back “. This suggests to me that maybe it is time to start wondering about what else you can do to take care of your life as well as your feelings. What do you think?

    Kaitlyn it just hit me. You did not use Rori’s “what do you think” at the end of your first statement.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:15pm

  343. 343: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad that this entire text convo between my friend and I happened while he was at work. A job he HATES. Once again, I’m selfish and I don’t think. Once again, I don’t pay attention to details. But really, I didnt mean for it to turn into a big thing. I just figured I’d mention getting that extra cam and shooting some stuff off on my own and he’d be like ok or ‘we’ll talk about it later.’

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:15pm

  344. 344: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, this too “Him: Do whatever you want. Thanks for discussing a plan with me”

    Rori says no planning for romantic dates. I am wondering if he is expriencing this as masculine energy and he wants that role even on this project?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:16pm

  345. 345: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    What good were those honors and AP classes my entire life? What good were those 100% test scores? I became someone stupid. I use my smarts to communicate with johns to get more money, but can’t use them to communicate with my bff who I used to LOVE hanging around. He was the bright spot in my day. Now I just avoid him. Who knows what might set him off? Better to avoid than find out.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:18pm

  346. 346: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Yes FW, as I move forward in this process I am finding that I feel better when I don’t express my every emotion.

    I want to be aware of my every emotion because it is great feedback for myself.

    I find when I express my negative emotions, they can come across as either

    - “I feel bad” with the subtext “because of what you did and you need to change your behavior so I feel better”

    vs

    - “I feel bad” with the subtext “and care about how I feel and take responsiblity for myself so I am going to do whatever I need to do to feel better”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:19pm

  347. 347: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 343 Kaitlyn timing yes, context yes. But guess what your awareness is being raised. You are learning and you are thinking. Maybe in retrospect right now but next time you will definitely get closer to what you want to create. This is just a test. You will do better next time. Expecting perfection immediately is unrealistic. Expecting change without the process is setting yourself up for failure. We all learn differently and at different rates, but trust me post 343 shows a lot of learning. You just have to stay aware and change your steps in the dance. I am learning too and I am being gentle with myself.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:21pm

  348. 348: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    343 FemEnergy

    He is masculine role with everything he does. Fine with me, but I don’t want to feel stupid or belittled. It truly screws up with me trying to memorize things.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:21pm

  349. 349: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 346 aaaaahhh another one for my memory files. Thanks a lot for “and care about how I feel and take responsiblity for myself so I am going to do whatever I need to do to feel better”

    Downloading into the memory banks.

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:22pm

  350. 350: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Or

    “I feel bad” with the subtext “and I trust that is not your intention. What can we do so that we both feel good?”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:23pm

  351. 351: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 345 kaitlyn that is where you are wrong. We never really learnt how to be in a relationship or how to communicate. The one area of life that is most important the educational system never prepared us for. That is why we are all here.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:24pm

  352. 352: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    my bff said “we don’t have time for next time. what you can do so we can both feel good, is you stop being stupid.’

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:25pm

  353. 353: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 348 kaitlyn I have shared before about a boss who uses masculine energy with his boss because the senior guy is so masculine. For me whatever it takes to succeed I am willing to try. Plus it feels so juicy taking the female role regardless of the situation, I feel open to doing it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:26pm

  354. 354: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Actually #349 is what works best with my LI.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:27pm

  355. 355: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 227 Dorothea I was just throwing it out there for consideration and to get you thinking.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:27pm

  356. 356: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m noticing that my thoughts go to him when I’m avoiding starting my next task, or fear of something I want/ need to do.

    Like procrastinating by thinking about him. He’s such a lovely excuse :)

    Like a candy bar in between tasks – except that I end up feeling crappy. Especially coz my NVs inevitably take over… that’s when I know I’ve had too much ‘candy’.

    Solution – get on with MY life and stop wasting time thinking about him!

    :)

    xoxo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:28pm

  357. 357: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve no ego in taking any role, male, female, whatever. I just don’t want to have this ever looming fear.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:30pm

  358. 358: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 352 That’s just his NVs talking. LG seems to have some good suggestions that might help. “I feel bad” with the subtext “and I trust that is not your intention” “and care about how I feel and take responsiblity for myself so I am going to do whatever I need to do to feel better”

    Trust, respect and appreciation. Give yourself those first so you can give them to him.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:31pm

  359. 359: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    What fear Kaitlyn?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:32pm

  360. 360: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sweet Queenbee Sweet. I like.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:33pm

  361. 361: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Fear I’m gonna screw up, fear I’m not doing something fast enough, fear I’m doing something wrong that I should already know how to do…

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:34pm

  362. 362: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Fear of failure. I would love Daria and some others to jump in. I would suggest though that you tap on that fear using EFT to release it out of your body. Fear is a powerful motivator and clouds everything we do. I am currently working of my own fear of intimacy and not being good enough by using tapping.

    Did you get the interview with the tapping exercise?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:36pm

  363. 363: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Fear I’m gonna get that look again like I’m stupid, fear he’s just gonna take the cam or mic out my hand cuz I’m not fast enough or that I’m asking a question I’ve already asked two other days, fear that he’ll grit his teeth to keep from yelling becuase we’re in public, fear of the yelling thats gonna happen when we get back in the car in two hours.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:37pm

  364. 364: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    kaitlyn I would like to encourage you to review this.

    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/eliminate-the-2-main-blocks-to-love-with-eft-this-way/

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:38pm

  365. 365: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Fear of failure aint my worry. Fear of failing in front of him is. You don’t understand the reprocussions when dealing with him.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:40pm

  366. 366: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    “that I’m asking a question I’ve already asked two other days” Kaitlyn forgetting is a defense mechanism that you might be using unconsciously to protect yourself. You are not stupid you might be just forgetting deliberately. I am now wondering if there was a time you had to do this because of an experience with your father or some significant other.

    It seems to me that your programming is to forget.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:41pm

  367. 367: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 365 kaitlyn I believe it should be. It is not about him. If you don’t focus on his behavior you will notice how you feel inside.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:42pm

  368. 368: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Hiding that fear can prevent you from being vulnerable and take care of your feelings in front of him. He might be giving you the opportunity to practice and to bring out his knight in shining armor.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:43pm

  369. 369: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn, I read #297 a bit different than the Sirens do. For me, it’s obvious that he saw your approach to buy your own equippement as controlling, and even worse, as a kind of you taking over the project. Now, let’s not forget this ain’t a lover, but a guy you work with. I understand he provides the equippement and the knowledge. He invests time in trying to teach you the basics. Without him, there is no documentary, or at least no professional one. In this light, I understand his concerns. For him, your idea probably sounded as if you try to jump two steps ahead, essentially taking up his job, instead of focussing on the essentials first. I understand he was p***ed about this. And he clearly showed that in every reply, right from the start. That should have raised a red flag, and that convo should have never dragged on for so long. Sry, Kaitlyn, but you simply pushed on and on even though he already had shut down.

    Still, he didn’t say “well, do the project without me” but said he will be there. This shows he’s really a friend. And I guess the atmosphere can be cleared up again by apologizing plus telling him you dropped the idea of buying a video cam now. He obviously doesn’t like that at all. And what is it good for anyway, he provides all that stuff, and you don’t have the money lying around, Kaitlyn? Get that idea out of the way, and then you may convice him to let you do some interviews on your own, with him leaving the room. Just don’t forget, you need him, he doesn’t need you, so you really shouldn’t try to push ideas through that he rejects.

    Sry, that’s how this looks to me. And I have to say, I would have shut up in the same way your bff did in the same situation. If I help someone and say no to an idea how to do something that’s in my competence, that means no. It doesn’t mean “hammer me with your idea and try to push it through”. So, I understand that guy’s reaction. I’m even suprised he didn’t walk away from that “conversation”.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:43pm

  370. 370: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Dont know. I avoided my father at all costs because my mom was the fun one to be around. Not some grumpy wop who one little thing could set him off. The only time I liked being around him was Christmas when he was writing out my check.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:43pm

  371. 371: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker is suggesting learning to take no for an answer. I believe from the male perspective he has some good points, except the convincing part. I have learnt that in life people take roles. When one try to convince the other resists, unconsciously. I have also learnt the best way to ask for what you want is to say it once and leave it. It seems that is the way that works with guys.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:47pm

  372. 372: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    I think this is exactly how he took it. What can I do now next time we talk? What things should I say?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:48pm

  373. 373: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 370 that could translate into fear of intimacy that could possibly be healed by looking at healing that relationship. It is difficult for me but I am trying to do that myself.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:49pm

  374. 374: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know when dropping something is just being a doormat. I’ve been feeling like a doormat for quite some time in this.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:52pm

  375. 375: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn: I’m wondering if the way he talks to you is a reflection of the way you talk to yourself.

    The name calling and such.

    In my experience, it has worked this way and once I stop belittling and punishing myself it doesn’t get reflected back to me in my outer world.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 2:57pm

  376. 376: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Uh, Kaitlyn, sry if my comment #368 may sound harsh to you. I don’t want to excuse this guy’s frequent insults, and I understand that this hurts you. But in the long convo you quoted, he sounded quite reasonable to me. Let’s not forget that his main criticism is that you’re not concentrating enough on the basics. It doesn’t really matter if he’s right or wrong, you need him and can afford him to drop out. So, is it a good idea to try to jump two steps ahead with new ideas, instead of showing him that you manage the essentials?

    Your bff may be an a**hole, he sez so himself, and provoking an a**hole only leads to more of the same. It will only trigger more insults, and increase your fears about working together with him. That’s not helpful now, neither for the project nor for you, Kaitlyn.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:04pm

  377. 377: kaitlynNo Gravatar says:

    lurker,

    oK SO WHAT SHOULD I SAY AND DO? i’m already predicting a wrath of his yelling i have to endure. i’ll do whatever to have this project and feel safe with him again. if i feel safe, i feel more confident, i feel more competant about learning things.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:19pm

  378. 378: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn:

    ” i’ll do whatever to have this project and feel safe with him again. if i feel safe, i feel more confident, i feel more competant about learning things.”

    that is exactly what I would say to him

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:24pm

  379. 379: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #371 Well, Kaitlyn, it depends on what your motivation was for your idea about buying your own equipppement. Was this actually a workaround (a costly one) to enable you to do interviews of your own, without the fear about him criticizing you? In that case, you should be honest to him about your growing anxiety. Apologize for getting carried away in that convo, and tell him what’s really on your mind, in a feeling message that shows your vulnerablity. He is your friend, and despite the insults, he cares about you. Ask him for ideas how to get your nervousness under control, about stuff you could do differently. Appealing to his professional advice will make him open up again. Show him he’s the expert, don’t make him feel like you question or ignore this judgment.

    But avoid mentioning your Adam heartbreak more than necessary, he seems to have had an overdose of this. We guys react differently than women on such emotional stories where we can’t “fix” anything, at some point we shut down. So, try to avoid triggering this again. And then ask him about his take on the work ahead, make him feel that you’re both on the project together, with you appreciating his expertise and help. Hope that will work, it’s difficult to tell without knowing more about him.

    Hmm, btw, does he have to fear about his reputation in any way if the documentary isn’t up to his usual standard? Is that a concern that may make him so aggressive at work?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:25pm

  380. 380: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #376 ” i’ll do whatever to have this project and feel safe with him again. if i feel safe, i feel more confident, i feel more competant about learning
    things.”

    As LG says, too, that’s a great sentence, Kaitlyn! You only may want to avoid using “safe”, there’s a bit of blame in that. You don’t want him to feel like his presence is unsafe for you. How about “and have a good mood at work” instead?.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:32pm

  381. 381: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    375 lurker
    i think her bff sounds like a totally sarcastic prick. but that’s just me.
    how do i know? because he sounds like me when i am being a difficult, self absorbed, sarcastic b*tch

    :D

    STILL NO CONTACT FROM MY GUY. could it be that he is doing the healthy thing? waiting until the work day is over to contact me?

    it’s so unsettling and uncomfortable. maybe that’s why he seemed like he couldn’t handle ME being healthy and normal about things. cuz it’s freaking haaaaaard

    ahhhh la la la la
    i drank a lot of coffee

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:36pm

  382. 382: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, everyone!

    FW, that felt so cool to have you say…as J would say. haha…

    and I’ve noticed you saying things you are working on lately and I was thinking about how often we focus on one tool – feelspeak or leaning back…and how Rori says they all work synergystically and a true leanback is to take our attention off of “him” and focus on ourselves and then be able to have an open heart. I have a feeling that you are integrating a lot of this together and feel hopeful that it’s going to result in some real breakthroughs for you.

    It’s easy to lean back….sort of easy to have no attachment and/or no expectations…but to do all that and have an open heart? Wowie!!

    Anyway, I am really enjoying hearing your thoughts on the tools and “underlying” things – and I know you are walking the walk as well! Thank you!

    xo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:37pm

  383. 383: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Thinking back to that video…could be that he is just leaning back now since it took you a few days to call him. The Pursuer/distancer stances have reversed. Also, no message was left…you could end up texting back one of those short feeling messages you were working with yesterday…I’m sure all is fine and he is still in it…

    xoxoxo,

    Sammie

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:43pm

  384. 384: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #380 Lol Dorothea!
    :D
    But, come on, you’re exaggerating. I don’t think “sarcastic b*tch” is true. And the other points, well, you have some mood swings, but I’m sure that you’ll be more balanced if you continue working on the tools.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:45pm

  385. 385: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been at the eyedrs. all day – lol – he said I have a beautiful optic nerve. Wow, I get the oddest compliments!

    Anyway – so Charlie Sheen was going to be replaced by Hugh Grant and now is replaced by Ashton Kutcher….who actually appears to be aging more quickly that Demi – the picture showed him with a comb over! ….
    and I was thinking that if you add Bruce Willis as a choice in their too – you have about every man category there is. And who you’d pick to star in your own sitcom might tell you a lot about who you want and who you are.

    And it’d be fun. So if anyone wants to play…I’m game.

    Happy Friday night girls for the Friday night girls.

    I feel best and safest when a guy calls ahead of time to confirm a vaguely made plan. I won’t participate if they call the day of – it just feels really disrespectful; unless it’s a spur of the moment lets fly to Paris thing…then I’d do it anyway. And even after we’ve got a plan I like another call to confirm the plan the day of. I could’ve changed who I am like six times in two days by then. It’s a fine line and I think a gut feeling to go with the flow and/or to know what will make you feel best about the whole picture.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:46pm

  386. 386: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – From the last post. You said:

    “so our approaches aren’t as different as they seem…”

    I feel the same way :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:48pm

  387. 387: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #376 Kaitlyn, another idea. How about asking him how he dealt with it when he was a newbie in filming documentaries, if he has some tricks you could use. Even if he doesn’t come up with something helpful, that will remind him of those times, and bring back some memories. Hopefully, that will give him more understanding of your situation.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:50pm

  388. 388: DENo Gravatar says:

    Gosh…someone here trigerred the f**uck out of me…I get reminded of my ex husband …angry human being…nothing pleases him…a chip on his shoulders…addiction to drugs…cocaine…anxiety…sleep disorders……arghhh..I want to smack the shit out of her…right now…

    And weird…i want to do this…to wake her as* up…

    Feeling annoyed…and soooo powerless….and angry…I see potential in people that they don’t see in themselves…but as long as they don’t admit to their drug addiction or whether addiction and want help……there is nothing I can do…:(

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:52pm

  389. 389: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Sophie – I haven’t forgotten you and it sounds like everyone’s caught up in a Siren emergency….

    But as you can probably tell from said emergency – if you stay here, the advice is going to be to not initiate, not “row” the boat….you step back, you lean back and you get really involved in your own life, in your own “production” and you see if by chance he comes around again on his own.

    And maybe – during that time – you start to realize your own worth and that you are worth so much more than this guy is offering. Sounds like he’s playing with the status girl too. Sounds like it would feel bad.

    So, let us know how you are and hang in here with us, and focus on YOU!

    Hugs,
    Jacqueline

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:57pm

  390. 390: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Serena – Hi, nice to have you here! Loved your posts and voice….

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 3:58pm

  391. 391: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – I read your comment about PMS on the last post (#578).

    I don’t have pcos, but I do have *wicked* PMS. I can soooo feel your pain. Literally. well, I feel the same kind. Maybe not your actual pain.:)

    It can be so bad. I, too, can often feel “crazy” – and that can be whether or not I realize I am having PMS at the time. I can also get VERY depressed. Not in a “I want to end it all” kind of way, just that I feel SO BAD. It’s hard to describe. And then when I get my period, it lifts – usually. Except when it doesn’t, and that totally sucks.

    But it all varies. For example, this month, I felt hardly any PMS at all. But I’ve been really paying attention to taking multivitamins, and, strangely, taking care of my liver. I’ve been using a few supplements that supposedly clear it out. I don’t know why that would help, except that maybe it’s easier for my liver to clear toxins than before. Idk. And sometimes I take EPO (Evening Primrose Oil), which does help, but I try to go easy on it, because your body can become accustomed to it, and then it doesn’t help at all.

    But I agree with the person you quoted – who, ironically, I think, was a man. Sometimes when I have those really “crazy” PMS weeks, I get the feeling that my body and mind are really just clearing themselves out. Or rather, my mind is clearing out the crap in preparation for my body to do the same thing. I’ve had revelations about what or who needs to be in my life at different times, and I can be ruthless in cutting those things out, but in the end, it usually turns out to be something I need to do for my own benefit. So, even though it FEELS awful, and it’s really hard to explain or justify your seeming erratic moods or behavior to others (or even myself), I trust that there is an overall purpose to it. That in some way, this is my body’s way of serving me, even though I don’t necessarily like it and/or can’t understand why it would be so good.

    Right now I have cramps and feel a little “off” because of my period, but I know tomorrow it will be better.

    That’s the good thing about feelings. They change all the time!

    Hope you’re feeling better…

    TMizz

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:09pm

  392. 392: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “Fear I’m gonna get that look again like I’m stupid”

    Kaitlyn – projection much? he attacks because he’s miserable for whatever reason and because of his own insecurities,

    xxoo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:18pm

  393. 393: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    About Rori’s post – If I can, I like to turn it around in my head to imagine that he *is* thinking about me – and sometimes I’m right! :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:19pm

  394. 394: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “I don’t know when dropping something is just being a doormat”

    Actually it’s empowering.

    xxoo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:20pm

  395. 395: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn,

    If I were shooting a documentary with bff, and he yelled at me and called me stupid, I would say, “BFF, I love you, and I don’t want to fight with you. I feel extremely disrespected when you yell at me and put me down. I don’t want to feel that way with you. If it happens again, I am going to walk away.”

    Then the next time he called me stupid or insulted me or yelled at me, I would walk away, no matter if we were in the middle of a shoot or what.

    My self-respect and self-love is worth more than money and more than a documentary.

    He treats you that way because you allow him to.

    Kaitlyn, did you see my post to you on #113? I spent a lot of time and energy writing it for you.

    Love, Brenda

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:29pm

  396. 396: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Yes, Kaitlyn, that post from Brenda is an all-time classic and not to be missed, and she wrote it for you.

    Hey Brenda, that guy apparently must have liked the navy seal line, because he wrote back again.

    LOL

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:40pm

  397. 397: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker 383
    Sarcastic b*tch is pretty accurate. I spent the last year and a half of my life working as a director at a very controversial political campaign (and am still involved). Sarcastic b*itchiness is my escape from the associated stress and drama.

    In general, I’ve always been sarcastic. My mom would always scold me for it. I think sarcasm is a great skill and an awesome rhetorical device. But best left out expressing unpleasant feelings.

    I think once I finally quit smoking for a long period of time I will be far less moody. I am on day 12. It also helps when i eat regularly, because i am extremely insulin resistant and my blood sugar affects my mood. An empty stomach to me feels like torture and death. No exaggeration.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:47pm

  398. 398: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    292. LG

    Very nice, Laughing Goddess!

    i feel elated and empowered too! and vulnerable too! whatever we are doing must be working!

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:48pm

  399. 399: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    Re: #395 – LOL! Do tellllll!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:51pm

  400. 400: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    207: Serena

    Great answer, Serena! and welcome :-)

    I am doing the same, not using man in question for sexual fantasy, because it doesn’t help matters.

    xxxooo
    ~~~~~~~

    Queenbee , about your question about fantasy in “those” moments..

    Myself I got really cautious about that .
    Used to be that in my relationship that I now know to be imaginary , I fantasized in that way .I got my oxytocin to an image of him. My brain didnt know if he was really there or not , my hormones couldnt tell the difference. I was hormonally very addicted.

    I now am very careful not to do that so as not to become addicted to an “imaginary “lover who is not stepping up for me :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:52pm

  401. 401: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    RE: #396 – “Sarcasm is the ugly cousin of anger” ~ “Anger Management” (movie).

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:53pm

  402. 402: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    TMizz, the liver is important for reproductive health. nice work!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:53pm

  403. 403: SammieNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda,

    I thought your telling of 113 was just wonderful!

    And, by the other comments that were made about it, many others felt really good reading it also. It shows how much compassion you have, which has been apparent. But, here you then turned that compassion around to yourself. Yeah you, Brenda!!!

    And, you may have written it to Kaitlyn, however it seems to me you got such really good feedback from others that it was well worth writing it! And, I thank you for sharing!!!

    xoxo,

    Sammie

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:54pm

  404. 404: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I’m angry with some of the advice being given to Kaitlyn. This man is abusing her. His words, may as well be punches for the impact they are having to her well-being. If this was your sister, mother, daughter, best friend…. would you be telling her that she said something the wrong way, and that is why she got hit? I certainly hope not.

    Kaitlyn, I know you want to do this documentary, but I agree with Brenda. You must value yourself beyond any job. With the lifestyle you lead or have led, I know I’m not coming from the same place, but there is always a choice. I don’t see this documentary being a magic window to new opportunity for you if you are only allowed to adjust a microphone, or do some filming.

    Maybe it wasn’t the best time to talk to him, maybe you do make mistakes… but the animosity and hatred in how he deals with you is absoultely abusive. If this were your boss, it would be harrassment. If this was your husband, there would be whole networks devoted to supporting you. You could file a protection from abuse against him for the way he drives with you in the car, the way he speaks to you. This is a clear example of abuse.

    I wish you would just walk away. Let the project go. Earn money however you have to, to feel safe and get you to a better place. What else might you like to do? Would you ever consider moving and starting over? I’m thinking at 40, it’s time for a new path. This man is so completely toxic, and it affects you. You talk about yourself in such a self hating way, and now I’m seeing where you are learning it. You react like a battered woman, oh it’s my fault, I do make mistakes, I shouldn’t have said…. because you are battered.

    NOTHING you said or did deserves for you to be talked to or treated that way. HE IS WRONG. He is not helping you. You are not learning in his environment. Please please please, consider what I’m saying. You wanting to purchase equipment to help with the project, could have been taken in a positive way. That you are eager to help and learn. That you want to give, to add more to it. If he didn’t like what you shot, he wouldn’t have to use it. You don’t deserve this Kaitlyn. My heart hurts for you.

    I am on my way out to meet a friend for some drinks. I’ll be back later tonight. :(

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 4:56pm

  405. 405: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    247: The Lurker

    Lurks, thank you for sharing what you did in that post.
    You make some good points about good manners and earning respect and having patience with impatience in the beginning stages. a good sense of humor, and not taking oneself so seriously helps a lot too.

    I do OK most of the time, but I am a little bit fickle at times as well.

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:02pm

  406. 406: BlissNo Gravatar says:

    Another day

    he ignored my last night , mates over , he got up this morning , and was angry with everyone, cause we are relaxing eating brekky and watching some cartoons, the house is untidy, but hey its home…. so he yells at us all now saying we can’t have tv or xbox till we clean the house.. thats ordinary he is off to play golf..
    And its my fault he is running late to golf cause i didn’t wake him up.

    joy – i hate weekends like this

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:05pm

  407. 407: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    398. Brenda

    He says, I didn’t know i was trying out for the navy seals, i thought i was trying to make a date

    LOL

    i asked him if he was still interested in making a date.

    stay tuned……

    ;-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:05pm

  408. 408: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    In toxic men, the first thing Rori says is that there is a reason we are attracting toxic men, because our behavior is also toxic.

    And by changing our toxic way of relating, they will most likely change the way they treat us.

    I feel good about this advice.

    I find that blaming others rather than taking responsibility for my own part in interactions just brings more and more of the same. It’s a never ending cycle.

    I’m jumping off that hamster wheel and trying a different approach.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:08pm

  409. 409: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth: Yes! I am feel so relieved because I am catching myself when I first start to get off-balance and self-correcting quickly. I feels sooo much better.

    Also, just listened to Rori’s interview this month on EFT. I feel so peaceful after doing it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:12pm

  410. 410: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    I am jumping off the hamster wheel too, LG!

    at least in how i interact with him

    mentally, however, i am stuck on the wheel today. but at least I am aware. I am going to do my thank myself exercise and then shift focus to me, even though i am feeling very comfortable in this place where i post here agonizing over him not contacting me, refresh his facebook page a bazillion times looking for a hint about how he’s feeling, and generally fixate.

    funny how the icky patterns actually feel right and normal and comforting.

    fortunately, i am a smart, aware girl, and can turn patterns into CHOICES.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:14pm

  411. 411: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Dorothea for working so hard on changing my patterns and observing them.

    Thank you for not reaching out to him when I’m feeling churned up inside.

    Thank you for taking this time and space away from him and all the triggers that come with relationships to know the difference between when i need to take care of myself.

    Thank you for eating salad for lunch

    Thank you for doing a great job in those meetings today.

    Thank you for drinking water

    Thank you for making those calls I didn’t want to make.

    Thank you for making plans for me to clean my new apartment tomorrow so i can move in to a spotless heaven, even though I didn’t get help from anyone else.

    Thank you for thanking me.

    Thank you for staying strong and introspective. That is a really brave thing and not a lot of people do it, I notice.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:29pm

  412. 412: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    On Rori’s cd she just said 6 months before she met her husband, she realized that all she was seeing was men who were critical jerks because that is what her subconscious was attracting and that she couldn’t even recognize when men were trying to be otherwise.

    Now they are talking about projection and how parents project their dreams on us and then we unconsciously try to fulfill these projections and it can block us from finding love.

    And how if our mothers were super critical of our dads or men in general, we can carry that out as well. Until we unhook from that. And it creates a push/pull in our interactions with men.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:33pm

  413. 413: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    “fortunately, i am a smart, aware girl, and can turn patterns into CHOICES.”

    Yes you are and yes you can Dorothea!

    Oh, you inspired me to do some thank yous for myself.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:35pm

  414. 414: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    310-600-3458 Susan Quinn’s number

    She’s the woman on this month’s cd and will give a free Eft consultation to anyone who calls.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:37pm

  415. 415: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn – here is a very nice, kind old lady on youtube leading a private meditation on kindness towards yourself. hope this brings you some strength and comfort right now <3
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOYH6j7eenA&NR=1

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:41pm

  416. 416: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you LG for taking it easy today. I feel relaxed yet we still got a lot done.

    Thank you for feeding me when I was hungry.

    Thank you for not pushing myself to do that job that other people wanted me to do.

    Thank you for doing body awareness exercise when I felt triggered.

    Thank you for making fun to do list.

    Thank you for keeping an upbeat attitude today.

    Thank you for loving me.

    Thank you for listening to Rori and AH.

    Thank you for tapping.

    I look forward to you giving me a bath tonight and cleaning that upstairs room so I can enjoy it more.

    Thank for letting me do what I want to do and not making me meet the whims of others. That feels awesome!!!!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:42pm

  417. 417: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel really loved and cared for by you today.

    Thank you for letting me flow through life and be happy. It feels so good to not stress out. It feels so good to listen to my own inner guidance.

    This is the best gift I could ever imagine…listening to my own inner voice. Thank you!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:45pm

  418. 418: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for washing my face
    Thank you for putting on a tshirt I like
    Thank you for studying about healthy communication so I can be happier and healthier in a relationship
    Thank you for kidnapping me from work early. I felt stifled there with nothing to do. You’re my hero!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 5:49pm

  419. 419: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 372 Lurker “provoking an a**hole only leads to more of the same.” as in spewing more sheeeeeeeeeeet; can’t help it.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:08pm

  420. 420: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i was taking care of myself and shifting my focus, and i got this sinking awful feeling of anxiety. I started thinking about how much I have been working thru things here and letting everything out, and then i got this scared bad gut feeling that he found it or has been reading it and just thinks i’m a joke or a weirdo for it and is sitting back and laughing at me.

    and i feel it to be true in all of my gut (i have a remarkably psychic gut but have never gotten my anxiety under control enough to accurately determine the difference between anxiety and intuition)

    is this my intuition or is this just the push back from my ‘demons,’ so to speak? maybe the negative voices are kinda fighting for their life now that they’re dying off..one last epic fight for survival and that’s how you know they’re almost vanquished.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:11pm

  421. 421: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 408 Thanks for sharing that LG. It is always easy to project, to blame others and to focus on others behavior. That however changes nothing as we only control ourselves. If we don’t acknowledge and change our own toxicity, walking away just keeps our unconscious stuck and it will find another way/person to play out the same pattern. Been there done that never going back. I am trying to jump off the hamster wheel too. I backtrack sometimes in moments of unconsciousness but I am determined to move forward and I can say I am having some success. I believe I am responsible for everything that I attract in my life so I am committed to releasing blame.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:21pm

  422. 422: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Sammie,

    RE: #403 – Thank you! I appreciate your comments!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:29pm

  423. 423: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth,

    RE: 407 – LOL! I look forward to the next episode! :-)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:33pm

  424. 424: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    Thank you for listening to the sweet, old lady talk about gentleness, kindness, and compassion towards yourself. She was so soothing and it felt like a step out of the harshness of reality.

    Thank you for thinking about penises! What a wonderful topic! LOL!

    Thank you for cuddling with your dogs!

    Thank you for putting on a warm sweatshirt when I was cold.

    Just trying out this thank you exercise…I feel silly but it’s nice.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:39pm

  425. 425: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    408: Laughing Goddess says:

    “In toxic men, the first thing Rori says is that there is a reason we are attracting toxic men, because our behavior is also toxic.”

    I would like to see that word “toxic” dropped completely, actually. It’s sounds like the equivalent of “bad”. I haven’t found it to be very useful or helpful to look at ourselves or people that way.

    It seems counterproductive to me to label anyone’s behavior, including my own, as toxic.

    But I will question the character of any person i am relating with, who lies, steals, cheats, and then ask myself how or where I might be doing some version of that as well.

    If the person has the clarity of mind to take as much responsibility as i will for my own behavior, then i might continue engaging with them in relating, because I know they are consciously committed.

    “And by changing our toxic way of relating, they will most likely change the way they treat us.”

    Again, LG, with all due respect, this just seems to skew all the responsibility to one side.
    It doesn’t always work like that, there are no guarantees, and it’s not always that easy. For example, J*sus and other spiritual saints and mystics’ goodness were often seen as threats.

    Then, there are the chronic controlling, manipulative people ones that will use that against you, as in, you are responsible for bringing out the angel or the devil in me. It’s all up to you, honey. These are the really deluded ones, from just over the edge to totally delusional.

    Finally, it is not up to me to think I know what any one person’s path is really all about, including my own children, and they may need to be a certain way for a while, regardless of how I am behaving or not behaving.

    “I feel good about this advice.”

    :-)

    “I find that blaming others rather than taking responsibility for my own part in interactions just brings more and more of the same. It’s a never ending cycle.”

    I think sometimes it is less about blaming others, and more about co-dependency, which places the responsibility squarely on both parties. Simply choosing not to enable certain behaviors by keeping healthier boundaries in place.

    “I’m jumping off that hamster wheel and trying a different approach.”

    Sounds good to me, LG!

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:43pm

  426. 426: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    423. Brenda

    Well, you know, Brenda, he may or may not respond, and it’s all OK with me, whatever he does. I won’t try to figure out why or make any assumptions about it either way. Too much thinking about all that stuff gives me a headache!

    ;-)

    xxxooo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 6:46pm

  427. 427: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    I have believed since my EST days in 1979 that I am responsible for my world, and sometimes that belief is to my detriment. I agree with Elizabeth, below – and worse than that, there are people who will just try and set you off because they can. There are people who actually like to argue. There are people who must be right to survive….

    In creating our reality, we have to leave those people out of it, or be forever embattled. It’s pretty easy to tell – as we have an emotional guidance system called emotions – what feels better!

    It’s confusing to me to read here about someone claiming they are such a b*tch (not quoting exactly so as not to single out) and yet they are crying out for love.

    I’m about as new age as they come but there’s my reality and there is reality. And my freaking front door made of metal is REALLY REAL…but it’s also a bunch of swirling atoms. I can sit here and convince myself of that and try to go walk through it…and get a busted nose perhaps.

    Sometimes, I think people try and convince themselves that they have no impact on the situation, or on another – because they don’t want the responsibility or the blame of their on words or actions.

    And sometimes, I think that I created this; what part of myself does it mirror is great – especially in my nighttime dreams.

    And I definitely think a fantasy of someone should be clearly deliniated in one’s mind as a fantasy and not to be confused with a “real” interaction.

    Which is counter to the mind can’t tell affirmation theory – my mind can tell perfectly well.

    And I still like affirmations because they feel good.

    And I like knowing what’s really real….best of all.

    “Then, there are the chronic controlling, manipulative people ones that will use that against you, as in, you are responsible for bringing out the angel or the devil in me. It’s all up to you, honey. These are the really deluded ones, from just over the edge to totally delusional.”

    Shoutout to your eloquence and keeping it real,
    Elizabeth!!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:00pm

  428. 428: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 290 Loneplum thanks for this “their hearts are made of fear, shame and guilt since their childhood, the least reminder of guilt will trigger their anxiety.” This never even occurred to me but looking at our history this makes a lot of sense. It reminds of a story my mother told me. Her mother died when she was 11 and she grew up with an aunt who lost a baby after yelling at my mother for something. She was blamed constantly by her uncle for that.

    “Your father uses insults to express his shame and his dislike against himself. He does not think he is good enough.” My NV is mainly I am not good enough never occured to me that he felt that way about himself. I have heard my mother say things that suggested that about herself.

    You are so on the money with “it can be that you are “the” quality daughter,”. Just the other day a friend was saying how shocked she was about the incident because she thought they respected me for what I have achieved thus far and what I have been. I am the second of 4 and the second daughter. The achiever and leader in the family. My sister the first born had a brain tumor at 19 yrs old and have not really succeeded in life since that operation. She made some forward strides afterwards but it seemed she always did something to sabotage herself. It is frightening to think of what might happen to her in the future, even her 23 year old mentions how she worries sometimes about her.

    I have no doubt though that I am his child. He has brachydactyl (6 fingers and 6 toes). It is actually a disease but every one else inherited it instead of me and that was the reason he rejected me. I was born a normal child and have suffered as a result. I have told him once in the past that I appreciate what he has done for me and that I love him. It is frightening to even think of doing it again because of the fear of rejection. I have tried to show it in other ways though especially when he was in the hospital.

    I see how he must be feeling useless. He used to do everything around the house and now he can’t. Even if I have people come over to do work he follows them around and criticizes them and the work. It seems noone can do good by him. He actually recommended getting someone to come over to do the lawn but I have a 12 year old boy who I want to learn to take responsibility. In retrospect I see how choosing to do the lawn and ignoring his recommendation could have communicated that his thinking is flawed.

    Your comments are very insightful. Some of the recommendations are really scary because we have never been physically loving. It is the one thing I long for most of all because I am not used to being touched as a child. I have one memory of him touching me as a child in an affectionate way but I remember that with anger. He was drunk and I know it was the alcohol and not him. I have been tapping on that with Rori’s latest interview. I have come to realize that my overriding emotion was sadness. When I first found Rori I was always angry and did not know why. My son kept asking and my daughter would always react to the energy. I was able to work through that but did not realize that there was so much sadness underneath. Deep profound sadness that I have been working on all week. I can say though that a lot of my relationships are healing. I have become more loving and compassionate towards myself and I admire Laughing Goddess a lot for what she shares here and how she is focussing on herself. I remember years gone by I never even gave a thought to myself. I was exercising like beating up on myself and still was big because I was sabotaging myself with food stuffing down my sadness. I can now look beyond most people’s negativity towards me and their humanity and their hurt. If I can’t I just walk away. It has been difficult though with my parents but I am committed enough to myself to try at least what feels comfortable to me.

    Thanks again Loneplum. I appreciate your feedback.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:02pm

  429. 429: JenNo Gravatar says:

    I recently joined a social group for singles. A little over a month ago, I met a guy at one of the group’s events, and we sat with a goup of about 8 people and talked for a few hours as a group. One of the ladies I met that night told me a few days later that she thought the guy was interested in me, but I didn’t pick up on any clues at that time and didn’t think about him again. I ran into him again at another event, las Saturday, and we ended up talking again. By the end of the night, he had made it obvious that he was interested in me. He sent me a text that night to say what a great time he had, and he sent me a friend request on Facebook the next day(Sunday). On taht same day, there was another event that we both attended, and at the end of the event he walked me to my car and asked be out for the following Sunday. He had mentioned the night before that he would be out of town that coming week for business, and he brought it up again when he asked me out. He said he would be back in town on the Sunday he wanted to take me out.

    So, there was another event on Wednesday that I went to, and he was there. I immediately got a funny feeling about seeing him because he was supposed to be out of town. He was on the phone when I walked in, but he waved to me. Since I didn’t want to invade his privacy, I walked over to talk to someone else that I knew. He could see me from where he was, and I thought that he would come over and say hello when he was off of the phone.

    He never came up to me, and I resisted the urge to approach him because I made up my mind to not seem like I was chasing him. Also, the event was a group dinner, and I thought he would sit with me at the table if he wanted to talk. He ended up sitting at the opposite side of the table.

    We did end up talking for a minute or two when everyone was leaving the restaurant, but he didn’t walk me to my car.

    I told one of my guy friends about all of this to get his opinion, and he said he thinks the guy is a “player”. He said that if the guy was really interested in me, he would have approached me when he was done with his phone call. He also said that if his trip had been canceled or ended earlier that expected, he would have explained that to me.

    I think he’s probably right, but there is still a little doubt in my mind. My friend thinks that I should just do nothing and act like it wasn’t a big deal the next time I see him. I don’t want to do anything that is going to make the situation worse, because both of us are heavily involved in this group and will run into each other eventally.

    What do you think is the best way to handle this?

    So, there was another event that I went to that week

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:11pm

  430. 430: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 429 Jen he might be physically attracted to you but he is a stranger that is acting accordingly, is my opinion. I agree that you should act it was no big deal but it should not be an act because I would hope that you will stop thinking about him. Nothing really happened between you both aside from conversations that we all have with normal everyday people. If you get the opportunity I would encourage you to flirt with him to keep inviting him in but right now it seems to me like you are dealing with a stranger.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:19pm

  431. 431: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 420 Dorothea that sounds again to me like drama which seems to me like a pattern with you. I have heard Rori’s Interviewer say when we drop the drama guys will have no one to hook into their drama so they end up just dropping it. It seems your brain likes that and I am wondering if your mother was dramatic? The Interviewer this month suggests some guys get hooked to women with the drama because they were conditioned by their mothers so that is what they are attracted to. Have you ever explored that in your life?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:25pm

  432. 432: DianeNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, this is really hard, long distance, just “reconnecting” last couple months after a break…I talk to him maybe once a week briefly…last time together 6 wks ago…I think he cares about me, so much in the way (for him personally, work, $) but really hard not to start imagining things. He is coming to visit coming week. I have such strong loving feelings, but just don’t know where he is…but he is so “concrete” he probably doesn’t see the issue in not calling regularly, altho once upon a time we talked a couple times a week for hours…so how do I ask for something more? But it is true, he probably doesn’t feel the critical “need” to talk often…how do I change that? Since economically we can’t see each other often yet…I wish I could have some reassurance he has feelings….

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:26pm

  433. 433: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel lonely and unmotivated.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:30pm

  434. 434: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    “If you wish to understand yourself, you must succeed in doing so in the midst of all kinds of confusions and upsets. Don’t make the mistake of sitting dead in the cold ashes of a withered tree.” Emyo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:39pm

  435. 435: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.’
    William James, psychologist

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:42pm

  436. 436: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Diane as fast as you can, get coaching from Rori or get reconnect your relationship or what she recommends.

    I think your situation is so important now and fragile that you should get the very best.

    please, please purchase one of her programs. This blog is good but you may not get the help your need and you may not get enough in time. I want to see you spending your time getting real concrete help from her stuff, not on this blog hoping for an answer.

    you can even return stuff after 30 days. please, please purchase one of her programs.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:45pm

  437. 437: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Diane, my LDR which reconnected after a long time just failed or is failing. I was not able to get help in time. You sound like I did two years ago. I dont want someone else to have a broken heart.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:47pm

  438. 438: MelNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline,
    “My freaking front door made of metal is REALLY REAL…but it’s also a bunch of swirling atoms. I can sit here and convince myself of that and try to go walk through it…and get a busted nose perhaps.

    Sometimes, I think people try and convince themselves that they have no impact on the situation, or on another – because they don’t want the responsibility or the blame of their own words or actions.”

    I love reading your posts! They are always thought provoking and make me reflect on my own thoughts and actions.

    Your door example makes me think about how there are often two realities, both of which are correct. Science can be proven… yes, the tiny molecules of metal are fluid and moving. There is truth in it. But there is also truth in the fact that the door is perceived by me as a solid unmoving object. We can really only make decisions based on what is real to US, but this doesn’t make another person’s reality (which may be completely different) any less true.

    It makes me think of being more understanding. Because I can’t really know why people do and say the things they do. They might be experiencing situations entirely different than I would.

    I can’t think of how many times I have tried to “understand” where he was coming from only to smash myself into that metal door. Maybe he’s not as stubborn and unmoving as he appears to be though. Maybe deep down he is processing… changing at a microscopic level. I can’t know that.

    I’m by myself tonight. Husband’s still at work. But this time I don’t feel so lonely. I feel myself changing. I feel more peaceful. I deserve to be happy again. :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:50pm

  439. 439: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Jacqueline why do you keep talking about my exhusband?

    “there are people who will just try and set you off because they can. There are people who actually like to argue. There are people who must be right to survive….”

    Seriously there are some books by Frances Schinn (shinn?) I think you would love. With a little searching, you can find them free online. One book she wrote is called “the game of life and how to play it”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:53pm

  440. 440: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I am so enjoying this softspoken lady that was recommended to Kaitlyn about kindness:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_uBjS56cLA

    She is a psychotherapist, and she is so sweet and gentle! I find her voice alone to be very healing, but also her words!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 7:58pm

  441. 441: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda…i’ve been feeling unmotivated too. do u want to be productive with me right now? we could both go off for 30 minutes and report back what we did:) it would feel good if i had something external motivating me.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:00pm

  442. 442: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    About Dogs:

    “He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.” – Unknown

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:06pm

  443. 443: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    FW~

    I am hugging you again. I admire your strength and conviction to heal all the pain from your childhood and father.

    Your little girl needs a great big hug and lots of love. I know you are making sure her needs are met.

    I feel sad knowing that you have shed lots of tears this week but I also know, having learned this from you, that they are healing at it’s finest.

    Big hugs!!!

    ~Lil

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:09pm

  444. 444: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    You got it! I’ll check back in with you at 40 minutes after the hour, which for me is 11:40 pm. Thanks!!!!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:11pm

  445. 445: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    (((FW)))

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:11pm

  446. 446: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I wanna be this “just us friends” lady! She is awesome! I love her!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:12pm

  447. 447: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    FW, i love the various stuff you give me to consider
    yes, my mother was extremely dramatic. like…put-a-razor-to-her-wrist-and-tell-me-at-9-years-old-that-she-is-going-to-kill-herself-because-i-don’t-love-her dramatic

    i called him and left a message. enough was enough. he called me back and we talked for a while. i stayed in touch with my feelings and there was no drama as a result. a LOT of nerves and uncomfortableness, but NO drama.

    it felt awful and hard, but i feel grateful that i stuck to a better, healthy way of talking and relating now that it’s over and i am not recovering from drama. and also, i feel supported and heard by him. and i took care of myself and decided for myself that it would feel good to get off the phone and proceed with my night after we’d been on the phone for a while.

    it felt soooo scary and nervewracking and uncomfortable, but i did it! and i feel whole, in tact, here with myself and good, instead of defeated by an endless drama.

    hooray!

    i want to do backflips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i so can do this!!!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:13pm

  448. 448: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Tonight, I am reflective at best.

    I feel sad…crying sad.

    At first, I was feeling angry and frustrated. And then, I really sank into the way I was feeling and figured out that I am not angry and frustrated. I am just damn sad.

    I miss my best friend. And I feel sad because I miss him and sadder knowing that we will never find our way back to that place of friendship.

    I feel even sadder about it because I had absolutely no control over it. I didn’t have a choice and I didn’t do anything to trash it.

    Crying tears of deep, deep sadness…

    ~Lil

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:14pm

  449. 449: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Sweet, brenda, i’ll be back at the same time! thank you:)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:14pm

  450. 450: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Jacqueline and Elizabeth,

    I have a question to ask about texting vs phone.
    A guy I have dated a few times texted 72 hours ahead to ask if I wanted to go to a gallery exhibition then lunch on Sunday. I answered yes by text then realized I was a feeling uncomfortable because I would rather he called me !

    He had texted back and said he would pick me up , ie firm plan, plenty of warning, he picks me up , he pays , he is perfect gentleman etc , and here am I biaatching about him not doing it by phone!

    I feel irritated with myself for nit picking but I feel irritated he didnt call me esp as i had been sick for a while and he knew that.

    I wonder if I am trying to sabotage this possible relationship? We are friends only at this stage with a little bit of kissing only..uuugh

    Feeling message suggestions?

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:36pm

  451. 451: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda ,

    I love this dog quote.
    I feel like I am responsible for my dog , even to where to live, what job to take etc..
    Its an issue for me soon if my doggy is still with me when my youngest leaves home.
    How do you handle that?
    It feels crazy making life decisions around a dog, but he feels like one of my sons in some ways :)
    Also I loved your deer story Brenda , I cried for yoy then I realized it was a great healing experience for you !

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:40pm

  452. 452: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    serena,
    ‘i’ve always felt uncomfortable accepting dates in texts but would feel delighted to hear your voice:) what do you think?’

    is an option next time he texts you to make romantic plans.

    the other option which you could start doing immediately is stop texting back, either entirely or to accept plans. something the women here helped me with recently is making your own boundaries and honoring them. which means since u dont want to text with a guy, you, you know,, don’t actually do it.

    if that irritated feeling you’re having is based on this faulty assumption that if you don’t tolerate making plans in text you might not get any plans with him at all. but he WILL call u, or he’ll text and be like ‘hello?’ and then u let him know, “hey, been feeling burnt out on texting. would feel so good to hear your voice:)” and he will call u.

    hope this helps

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:51pm

  453. 453: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,
    I heated up some soup and I put all my clean clothes and linens away. Thanks, girl!
    Where you at? I’m down for another motivational round of productivity accountabilibuddy.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 8:54pm

  454. 454: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I was all relaxed after listening to just us friends lady. I went out to walk my dogs, and my landlady had left a couple of notes in my car, which left me in a fuming, adrenaline rage!

    I am moving out by the end of the month, because it wasn’t working out and she asked me to 6 months in advance. No problem.

    I am unable to pay the May rent, because if I do, I won’t have any money to put down on a new rental. I politely told her I am unable to pay it, and now she and her lawyer exhusband are saying that if I don’t pay the May rent, I have to be out by May 21st, and they will change the locks.

    I have no lease, because they belong to a neighborhood association that doesn’t allow tenants. I have a finished basement apartment. So they have no legal standing. Their letters are just smokescreens, and I know it, because I know enuff about the law to know I could stay here legally another 4 months if I needed to.

    Nevertheless, I have agreed to be out by May 31st, even if I am homeless, out of respect for their 6 month notice.

    To top all that off, now she is claiming I still owe her for half of June’s rent from a YEAR ago! Hello? She never mentioned it before! And I put myself at risk by paying cash, at her request. She didn’t want any paper trail because of the neighborhood association.

    So I texted her:

    B: I know my legal rights. Would hate to see this turn into a legal situation. When you want to remove a carpet that’s held down by staples, do you need a sledgehammer? Or are you TRYING to get the carpet to turn into concrete? And to borrow another analogy, you can’t get blood out of a stone.

    I PAID THE FULL RENT LAST JUNE! You waited a year to accuse me of something for which you gave me no receipts for? After I paid you cash as requested at my risk? The neighborhood association would love to hear about that! But the FACT is I paid the full rent last june.

    I am shaking with both anger and fear, and I feel hunted. I HATE dealing with situations like this. Nothing I have done in the last 1.5 years living here is good enough for her. So I have to choose if I want her angry at me or if I am going to survive….hmmmm??? NO-BRAINER!

    Time to go listen to just us friends lady again!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:13pm

  455. 455: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    BTW, good job on what you got done! I’m just dealing with my emotions now, and probably some online legal research. This guy is a lawyer, so it’s a joke! He knows and I know he has no legal ground to stand on to kick me out. He’s trying to intimidate me.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:14pm

  456. 456: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, they cant do anything,

    If you go to your local courthouse, ask at the clerks office what is the procedure for eviction.

    I know in CT I have to fill out a written notice and have a marshall hand it to them. Then there is a certain amount of time and this and that, the point is you probably can stay awhile. Personally I would hang right onto your money for your next,place.

    That was a good move to threaten to drag the association into it. After you leave she will probably try and take you to small claims court but I know you can handle that. She will never get anything.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:26pm

  457. 457: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen,

    Thank you! It’s not that I was refusing to pay the last month’s rent in an aggressive way at all! I have communicated with feeling messages throughout my interactions with her. She is just terrible to work with. She just doesn’t get it.

    I have learned the hard way: desperate times take desperate measures. I tried before to please people, and it ended me up stranded in Arizona! Now I take care of me.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:43pm

  458. 458: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Why has he ignored me?? that is what I’ve been wondering, but I just don’t believe that he is oblivious. am i wrong. Just now, after 2 weeks of no contact, and the last time we talked I said I wasn’t up for an imaginary relationship, and he said he’d call me back to finish the converation – he just texted “Sorry I’ve been so distant. My life has been so bananas. I hope you are doing great!”

    grr… I’m not responding.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:47pm

  459. 459: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG.. I got flowers!

    At work today from Gregg!!! And it was a total suprise. He is just another guy a talk to every now and then. For heavens sake.. this blog has really turned me around. lol….!!

    My second boquet from two different guys in the past few months! AWESOME! Only one other time in life over ten years ago had I recieved flowers. lol
    So, from two different guys in the past few months is awesome progress. And I do like recieving.. haha. Does make me feel special.

    So glad things are turning around.. Yippy Skippy. :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:53pm

  460. 460: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    Thanks for making me smile! Happy for you!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:55pm

  461. 461: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen is right. Don’t worry, Brenda!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:56pm

  462. 462: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    alicia, that is awesome! at the end of last year i was getting so many flowers from men i had to buy more vases. now i get nothing. i should go buy myself flowers!:)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 9:58pm

  463. 463: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Dorothea!

    Landlady needs a good dose of ganja! Chill, lady, chill! I feel such disrespect and disgust when someone tries to play me and prey on my supposed ignorance. He’s a property lawyer, no less! He’s about to find he has a worthy opponent, if he wants to turn this into something ugly!

    I feel utter rage and anger. I am working my Rori skills and that is why I am channelling anger into writing, not blasting her. She has no idea how lucky she is to have a gentle person living here after all the bull shit she’s put me thru.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:01pm

  464. 464: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    This lady’s videos just melt me! I can’t get enough of them! It is the warm, soft nourishment my weary, battle worn heart needs.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:03pm

  465. 465: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Mr. and Mrs. Controlfreak deserve each other!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:06pm

  466. 466: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s another good one with beautiful footage of woods and a lake:

    http://www.youtube.com/user/annacoxar

    “You are your own guardian”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:07pm

  467. 467: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Brenda luv u! Thanks Doretha!

    Doretha what were you doing last year that is different then this year? (Maybe just do what you were doing last year.. lol) I honestly do want to know. Any tips?

    I just feel more in control and confident about my own life and not taking every communication delay so personal and dating with guys that I am more friends first with..

    I joke that I have recieved way more from not sleeping with guys then I ever did when I was. lol
    I also just feel better.. and more level headed and not so attached. It’s easier for me to talk to a few guys.

    And John is even communicating more light hearted and fun. But, I force myself to stay busy with the other guys and not read into his occasional line here and there. Although my responses to him are more authentic and fun.. I kinda like having doubts about him. When the other guys treat me so great. But, I have to remember I didnt give him the same opportunity when I was leaning forward. And now I am leaned back and it’s just feeling way better with him included. I just feel more authentic.. and giddy too.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:10pm

  468. 468: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    “Encouragement walks behind you. Hope walks before you. A friend walks with you.” – unknown

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:18pm

  469. 469: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth: re: 425

    Ya, I’m not a big fan of the word toxic either. It’s not a word that I really use although it seemed appropriate considering I was referring to Rori’s Toxic Men program.

    As far as your other comments, to be honest, I’m having a hard time relating as I don’t have any liars, cheaters, or stealers in my life and I haven’t for quite some time now.

    I feel a little disconnected from that whole concept.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:19pm

  470. 470: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    “I just feel more in control and confident about my own life”

    bingo:)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:20pm

  471. 471: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    DE,

    Here I am, in about as deep of anger as I get! LOL!

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:25pm

  472. 472: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    DE,

    LOL! Lava Lady (Moi) has cum a long way, baby!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:26pm

  473. 473: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    I just spent a half hour destressing, and I waste so much time these days “getting normal!” I brushed my teeth, and then I took 4 Advils to knock myself out after all the anger adrenaline!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:27pm

  474. 474: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    LG and Elizabeth,

    RE: #469 – I like the word, “Toxic”. To me, it’s a euphemism.

    Words I used to use to describe hurtful men are…

    A$$hole
    Jacka$$
    Jerko(ff
    Nasty

    I guess “abusive” or “hurtful” would be even more of a euphemism. But in my world, “toxic” is very kind. It embodies the idea of poisonous, which is always a good reminder to me, being that I cum from a lifetime of being victimized. Helps me to remember these people are dangerous to me, when my heart doesn’t instinctively throw up red flags.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:30pm

  475. 475: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Gina:

    that is crappy guyspeak for “I heard what you said about an imaginary relationship. I understand what it is. It means you want a real one, with love and committment. Well I don’t want that. I dont want to admit that. I dont want to admit I met a woman who could catch on to this. I dont think I can pull one over on you so I am going to pretend I am a nice guy who might want that by saying lets finish this conversation later. I feel kind of guilty about this and since I am kind of a dweeb I will feebly text you two weeks later saying I was busy. If you angrily text me back I will feign surprise and innocence. If you ignore it I will feel I am off the hook.” “However, if you text back “really I did not notice, didnt I just talk to you?” or “yes I met this great guy!” you might get a rise out of me or at least zing me.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:31pm

  476. 476: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like life as a whole is trying to zap me down to the ground with a lightning bolt.

    I am determined to stand up under it, leap over it, and fly with the stars!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:32pm

  477. 477: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Just as a reminder to all the ladies on the blog,

    boys have penises.

    Good night!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:33pm

  478. 478: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    nanceen 475

    i see it totally differently

    i see him as saying ‘i don’t want to lose you forever by not having a good answer for you so i am going into my man cave”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:35pm

  479. 479: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Sleep well, Brenda. Sorry to hear about your landlady.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:44pm

  480. 480: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Ladies, I’m going to try not responding at all ever until he really does say/do something to make me love him.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:45pm

  481. 481: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    No I respectfully disagree. If would not ignore her for two weeks. He also does not have her to lose. The answer is simple “we have a real relationship”.

    Now I dont know if she just met him or they have been together for awhile but if she just met him, he knows what she means. And he does not need to go into a cave for two weeks either to figure it out. And if he was concerned and thinking about this he would not blow her off and text her casually two weeks later. bottom line is, this is SHIT behavior and she deserves better.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:47pm

  482. 482: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a little ashamed that I’m in another imaginary relationship with a guy who has a girlfriend. We’ve danced together every friday. He has a girlfriend, and he asked me to come out for a movie and dinner with a group tommorrow night. No innappropriate behavior so far, and yet I believe we’re getting to know eachother and feeling out a fiction through innocent dances and light conversation. I declined his invitation, btw

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 10:54pm

  483. 483: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    When you are loved and cared for you are not ignored for two weeks.

    Do not text. do not call just to say hi. He know where you are. If were to call or text you would be chasing, looking desperate, overfunctioning as Rori calls it. Men call when they want you.

    Think how good it feels to have a man call you. You having to do nothing except lean back and receive. While you are out enjoying yourself with another man, butthead can go rot in his (imaginary) cave.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:00pm

  484. 484: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    gina, in my opinion not texting back is a great idea. and then like someone wisely suggested to me earlier, do something to take care of u.

    Rori teaches a tool to help you lean back, particularly with your vibe, called the parachute jumper or something like that…you’re skydiving tandem and just unstrap him from you and watch and feel him being released off of you as he gets sucked away.

    ahh, i just did it now and feels nice to do.:)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:02pm

  485. 485: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Gina, you got the warmies toward him and him toward you but he is all nice and comfy with a girl and preparing to keep her on the side and see you.

    I am really proud of you for saying no. I know the attention feels good but really see where he is coming from.

    He may even try harder but until he breaks it off with her and everyone knows it or he announces it to you dont have anything to do with him. And dont tell him that is what he has to do to see you. Just say no. Dont complain and dont explain. If he has to be told this in order to see you, he is not worth it, he is trash. And he might fool you by saying they are breaking up or already have. Worse yet you could end up being his girlfriend and —well look at his history.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:06pm

  486. 486: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Yea Dorthea is right, when you get that urge you have to do something good for you.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:09pm

  487. 487: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Well, Nanceen, he’s my ex, and he’s across the country. But he has been a Butthead, and I agree that he’s up to no good. Thank you for helping me feel all the more confident about choosing not to engage with him. He can fly his arse to my doorstep and then I might be interested in what he had to say, and it better be good…

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:09pm

  488. 488: NanceenNo Gravatar says:

    I did not know, sounds like we are talking about two different guys or two different situations.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:12pm

  489. 489: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    gina, i kinda like that you will have to keep saying no to this man yet keep dancing with him and enjoying how that feels every friday (i’m assuming it’s something organized or with reason, and not u and this guy getting together to bump and grind at the club when no one’s looking lol)

    you get to feel good AND assert your boundaries. that’s awesome practice. and as an added bonus it could knock some sense into his head about courting high value women like you who are worth more than being a side or back up chick.

    but in the meantime, she’s just a gf and i hope you enjoy your dances with him:)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:14pm

  490. 490: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I am relieved to notice I don’t really care. I mean somewhere in there I’m devastated. But I also can just feel him psychically tuggin at me. I don’t care who he’s with, I know he still loves me and that I have power over him, and I feel confident that no woman can compete with me for him right now. Not in his heart. And maybe I’m wrong, but I feel good believing that cause it feels true. And I feel dissatisfied with his psychic tugging – I want a provider, not a tugger….

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:18pm

  491. 491: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, I see Nanceen, yeah, I mentioned 2 different guys.
    It was hard to read but I really appreciate your feedback! :)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:27pm

  492. 492: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens…thank you for sharing your feeling messages and stories and encouragement,,,I learn so much from everyone’s experiences. I really appreciate it.

    Brenda, I hope your situation works out. I feel for
    you big time.

    Alicia, how awesome that you received flowers!!!! You ARE special…

    I have been CD ing but feel pretty “blah” about all of them…but I keep telling myself…free therapy!!

    sigh

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:35pm

  493. 493: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    brenda, for when u wake up, i also unclogged and fixed my shower drain and cleaned the bathtub:)

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:43pm

  494. 494: JacquelineNo Gravatar says:

    Hi, Emerson – I’m just shutting the computer down but saw your name and wanted to tell you hello; haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks. You are so sweet with thanking everyone. I know dating can seem like a second job…but it’s the only way to get to the good stuff, you know? Hang in there and a million hugs for when you need one and an extra!

    lol – I decided to look at job interviews as free therapy, too.

    Mel, thank you! That was a cool interpretation, Nanceen – I did a doubletake thinking ummm, was I giving advice??? then laughted out loud.

    Everyone have a good weekend, I’m thinking it’s time for a day of fun myself.

    g’nite dreamers….

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:49pm

  495. 495: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve noticed myself rambling on and on and getting a bit too chatty when nervous…filling in the gaps when talking with CDs and random people I meet..I don’t know how to stop!

    i’m also struggling with pining over Gio who I told not to contact me anymore….as of about a month ago…he is STILL going thru a divorce.

    I had a weird yearning. I really really miss the smell of his hair and laying next to him. Feel sad. But I think he’s a toxic man…sad face. Cuz I really really like him and enjoy his company.

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:49pm

  496. 496: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    494 Jaqueline, Thanks for your kind words and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!! hugs back to you and thanks for the encouragement!!! xoxo

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:51pm

  497. 497: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Nanceen, THANK YOU!! I just caught the part about his “sh!t behavior” – yes, yes it totaly is!!! But is it really about another woman, or does it even matter. Because no matter what…IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

    Quick summary of situation.

    Dated 4 months, he talked of “keeping me”.

    He got offered a promotion way far away

    He wanted me to go with

    I wanted to wait till the prospect of moving sounded better than the prospect of staying – which is a little tough, cause I LOVE my living situation. But I was wanting to move with him less and less because we ate and drank all the time and i felt gross and uninterested in sex. I also was losing respect for him as I had to care for him when he drank too much.

    He grew more controling as I grew less interested: guilt trips, ridiculous demands (about how I should answer the phone when he calls), grabbing/slapping my ass in public

    I felt pushed over the edge and told him I was “over” his immateur behavior, and he took it as I was breaking up with him and changed his Facebook status, and for the next five months he treated me like crap.

    Then he moved to Boston, and started contacting me every day. I was furious and he admitted that he had been a jerk, and said he was sorry and that he blames the stress of the promotion, and he said he still wonders what could’ve been if only…Pretty much every conversation was a fight, because I didn’t feel good just opening back up to a relationship of any kind after the way he had treated me.

    Then one day he called and I expressed sadness instead of anger, and he started contacting me 3 times a day. And I was being as open and vulnerable as can be. Once he didn’t call when he said he would, and it definitely could be because of a girl, OR it’s cause of alcohol. But regardless, the phone relationship wasn’t doing anything for me. Then he didn’t call when he said he’d “try to” and the next day I said that I couldn’t do this whole imaginary relationship thing and that I had been feeling awful and sad and that I’m just not up for it. He said he was cranky and short and that I mean too much to him to treat me that way, so he would rather continue the conversation later. He kept saying that he didn’t know what I wanted him to say. He said he’d call later, and then I heard from him the next day: he texted “Hi G.” I said “Hey.” After an hour of no response, I said “I feel annoyed to get a casual hello after the unfinished convo yesterday.” He didn’t respond. Nothing for 2 weeks when he texted “Sorry I’ve been so distant. My life has been bananas. I hope you’re doing great!”

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:54pm

  498. 498: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel embarrassed for all that rambling. Though it feels good to lay it out like that and feel embarrassed to even be in such a bad feeling situation!

    Friday, 13 May 2011 @ 11:56pm

  499. 499: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda,

    I was wondering, after the deer story , I had an ideer (:))
    Well that was so GOOD and so m oving and a beautiful life lesson.

    I wondered if you have considered writing your wisdoms into short stories like that ? And mayber looking for a publisher?

    It was THAT good. I felt when I read that that I was lifted up and encouraged. I could see youb write it up into a longer version which could bea whole chapter.

    I dont know all your history , but some of your life “episodes” like being homeless with your animal family , or episode with Ryan and your learning and growth , make great reading. I could see this as maybe a Christian sort of “how to” guide or else just an inspiriational autobiographical story …

    Could you ?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 2:13am

  500. 500: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 499 Serena that was brilliant. Especially the deer story. In the kind of “chicken soup for the soul” kinda way. Even maybe as an ebook. It was brilliantly descriptive and touching. I would buy it.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 2:39am

  501. 501: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    I would definitely buy it. Brenda has a wonderful writing style and I feel warm reading about her pets and her life .

    Brenda , do you have an email addy I could contact you ?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 2:50am

  502. 502: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Yes. I agree. Wonderful writing style and yes I did feel warm reading that deer story and the “allegory” with her life. It was extremely creative and it spoke to me.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 2:57am

  503. 503: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Serena – Welcome! Thanks for responding to my post.

    mmh, that’s very interesting. It’s interesting also that Elizabeth confirms your ideas.

    I’ll give it a try. Very interesting to experiment and practice with.

    Serena, Elizabeth – how do you feel now that you started this new practice? – as opposed to before?

    xoxo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:01am

  504. 504: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    I just had a few more texts from lab man about our gallery outing tomorrow.
    He has ascertained an issue with traffic in the city for a special event and suggested some optional itineraries to bypass this.
    I texted him back that I felt very pleased and delighted that he was taking care of it all and that I was looking forward to smiling at him.

    I love how he steps up and organises , picks me up , has great date plans etc. I feel worried however that he is a confirmed bachelor type and is just adept at playing the dating game ! We are in our 50′s and he has never married. He must have a lot of attention from women, he is good looking and powerful and very charming.

    My NVs say , why is he interested in me?
    I am trying to keep my siren voice over -riding the other voices..

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:04am

  505. 505: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 504 Serena sounds to me like you have to “go all girl”, keep the vibe up and override his logical brain. Just don’t get too attached so you can honor your heart. I believe some guys choose to stay single no matter what. I am working on changing that belief to good men choose good women that they feel good about themselves with.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:08am

  506. 506: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Also try to stop yourself from swimming in the anxiety. Release it out of your body with tapping so you can have fun.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:09am

  507. 507: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    482 – Gina, I feel curious about this. Why decline the invitation if you know it’s imaginary and he has a gf and nothing has happened between the two of you?

    I guess I would go and see it as an opportunity to CD. I would even ask him if there were other single men going to be there and that would be the basis of my decision.

    It would feel icky if there were only couples.

    Perhaps it’s just me. I love my company too much and can stay by myself for ‘as long’ and not mind. I practice with accepting invitations broadly. I guess it does not have to look a certain way first…. I trust my boundaries and myself to have a good time.

    ymmv – so just sayin’.

    xoxo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:18am

  508. 508: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Omgosh I ‘get’ it.

    Marijuana holds down progesterone…

    So when I smoke after ovulation, it keeps me longer in the luteal cycle.

    Then once progesterone formation Has started, and my breasts are full of breastmil and sore…

    It can lower the levels again bringing on my period.

    Blessings. Thank you for the understanding.

    I feel moved to wet eyes.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:31am

  509. 509: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 507 Love it

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:32am

  510. 510: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    The approach I’m using inspired by Erika style EFT is working for me for belief changes.

    Part that is powerful for me is the slower speed and softness of the tap I see her using. Faster rhythm feels more scary and I tighten up blocking flow.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:34am

  511. 511: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Listening to the second half of Roris Heart Connection toolkit is awesome. Those tools are amazing, and I’m able to access them now. It Is so much about how to be a siren in the body. It’s the really real, modern siren plus heart connection toolkit build the vibe of softness and godesshood and healing.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:37am

  512. 512: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ‘Cinnamon – Cinnamon is a highly versatile flavoring as well as a carminative that relieves bloating and gas. Adding cinnamon to food, especially to sugary ones, helps normalize blood sugar by making insulin more sensitive. So find ways to add cinnamon to sweet foods such as fresh fruit.’

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:45am

  513. 513: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok , so I am off to do some tapping and release my anxiety , great idea thanks Femininewoman.

    Queenbee, how am I feeling doing it Roris way?
    Well so much i could say here. i credit Roris way with re-building my self esteem after three difficult and painful relationships , one after another. My marriage , where he told me he didnt want me and was only staying around till the kids were old enough (I left him as soon as I could) , then a charming magician of a man who seemed wonderful but was a fraud through and through, then the one I thought could be the love of my life, but was actually as damaged as me and unavailable.

    I clawed my way back from depression and grief with Roris help.

    How do i feel? I dont know exactly. I guess hopeful and calm. I have realised that I was so used to not feeling anything or discussing my issues , just hiding them so I could keep going…it was so hard , for so many years (there has been much sickness, monthly hospital treatments and several major surgeries ..)

    Meanwhile I was working in health care and always supporting others whose problems were paltry in comparison to mine.

    I lost the will to keep going for a while. i was just hangin on for my kids sake..going to work, cleaning and cooking and just going through the motions ..no spark left, not knowing how to keep going. This was aggravated greatly by a toxic ongoing situation with the one I thought was my great love.

    So ? How do I feel?
    I still feel numb.
    But i am beginning to FEEL hope and a reason tio keep going .

    I love Brendas deer story.
    When she picked bambi up off the road , it was me she was laying in her car , it was me she was nurturing and caring for…
    I am crying now and I want her to know they are good tears, knowing that others do share life with us.

    Thank you.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:51am

  514. 514: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Even when the cinnamon is cooked?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:54am

  515. 515: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 513 ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Serena. Love is there for us all and it can only get better from here on. I am crying with you and I see your light at the end of the tunnel where I see you healed.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:56am

  516. 516: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Cinnamon is GREAT. Really helps regulate my daughters blood sugar!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:01am

  517. 517: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you so much .
    Hugs feel great.
    I feel healing is starting for me.

    The corporate man who is taking me out tomorrow worries me a little as i dont want to repeat toxic . i want HEALTHY men to date. He may be, I dont know , just watching for red flags..I feel so taken care of with him. I have another CD who is away just now , shy and smart and lots in common with me . I am looking forward to getting a little more sexy with them both over coming weeks and see if anyone steps up! (Not having sex till exclusive here).

    I have another one in the rotation but he lives a few hours away and is only in town now and then. But he brings gifts and loves being with a woman ..just loves the presence..no expectations. :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:02am

  518. 518: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    KS great to hear from you.

    Serena you seem to be doing great at the CDating.
    It will work for you.
    Build in things like the All That tool that you can use to raise your vibe and the Yummy Pie tool. Keep talking to yourself, how beautiful and delicious you are as a Siren. Keep opening up your heart. I feel really proud of you and I know you will get it.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:10am

  519. 519: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Mel I hope you are okay.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:16am

  520. 520: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    I am a yummy cherry pie , sugar sweet and just the right amount of tart :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:25am

  521. 521: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Off to do some Zumba. Yay Ella

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:32am

  522. 522: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling unheard and alone here.

    Leaving for awhile.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:37am

  523. 523: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Lilybelle, I am listening.

    I am also thinking about decades of my life.
    The last 10 years has been about learning to face a failed marriage and learning to be strong enough to leave. It also was about learning to be sexy and desirable and feminine , and it was about boundaries. Learning through relationships about who I am and what I want .

    WOW! Lilybelle , what hasd 10 years taught you?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:47am

  524. 524: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #522 Hey, Lilybelly, what’s the matter? Wanna talk? Shoot!

    Btw, can I haz pic of cheerleader training, pleaze?
    ;-)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 6:34am

  525. 525: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    RE: $493 – You said, “brenda, for when u wake up, i also unclogged and fixed my shower drain and cleaned the bathtub:)”

    Good job! I slept well and now I am about to do a huge amount of backed up dishes, clean some dusty plastic bins, and a whole lot more. It’s a work day for me, which was already scheduled, in preparation for moving. I have a work party coming from 1-3 to help me with packing.

    Have a good day!

    Love, Brenda

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:11am

  526. 526: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Serena,

    RE: #499 – I like your ideer! “I wondered if you have considered writing your wisdoms into short stories like that ? And mayber looking for a publisher?”

    Actually, I am in the process of starting a business/ministry that has to do with writing…it is not up and running yet…stay tuned!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:14am

  527. 527: JolieNo Gravatar says:

    Ok I really need help with the ignoring thing. I’ve been best friends with my ‘un’ boyf for 23 years, since we were 16. He’s always popped in and out of my life and I usually contacted him first because he has anxiety issues, and I realise he gets stuck in this unresponsive place. So we’ve been ‘platonic’, though there was attraction there, I didn’t go there because I thought he was too superficial about relationships and I’m very emotional/deep. but we had the deepest trust I’ve ever had with a man, deep bond that was more important than other relationships. Until 2 years ago, my marriage is breaking up and he declares himself. We are in love, and he runs for the hills. Too-ing and fro-ing for 2 years, with me contacting him, him not responding ‘ignoring’ me. We finally seemed to be getting somewhere, ok it was long distance and he was still not texting for weeks at a time, but it was climbing over the boundary. He’s maintained that we’re better as friends but he has an incredible strong attraction and that we’re made for each other in bed. I know we love each other. There’s romance but it’s totally overtaken by the angst when we’re apart. I overfunction in order to find out what’s really going on and he disappears. But we have some sort of ‘arrangement’ he’s not been with anyone else, he’s not looking and he doesn’t want to be with anyone else. But I’m doing the dating thing when I can (2 kids, do a lot of activities so I’m not really that interested to be honest)

    A week ago I sent an email doing the speech – I’m looking for an adult relationship, not going to be exclusive. I’m happy when I’m with you. I’m not going to chase you anymore. I’d consider being friends but don’t know how I’d cope with other women in his life.

    I’ve committed to not chasing but it’s driving me crazy. What if he really can’t respond? What if I never hear from him again, or its too late and I find out? He’s been chasing me for 20 years, I’ve pushed him away so many times and now he’s got me he’s run off! I don’t know what to do please anyone help,
    I am being ignored basically. How do I cope with that? I am a drama queen I totally hate being ignored!!

    thanks you wonderful people you’re all wise goddesses with wonderful opinions and i’m grateful for any comments.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:22am

  528. 528: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    RE: #500 – Thank you!

    Serena, you can email me at brendaearthlink@yahoo.com. Thanks!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:26am

  529. 529: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    “Thank you for kidnapping me from work early. I felt stifled there with nothing to do. You’re my hero!”

    I love this…you’re MY hero…

    xxoo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:26am

  530. 530: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    RE: #512 – Cinnamon – I read an article about cinnamon for weight loss, because it inhibits the appetite! Now I take 1000 mg every morning in pill form!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:28am

  531. 531: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Lillybelle,

    RE: #522 – No one ever intends to ignore anyone. For me, I find it impossible to read every post, much less respond to every post. I tried for a while, and my entire life was getting out of balance, because I was not left with time for housework, other friends, etc.

    What I do when I posted something important to me and no one responds is just to repost it further down again, and again, if necessary. No one is cold shouldering you intentionally, I don’t think.

    (((Hugs!!!)))

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:32am

  532. 532: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Sirens and (Elizabeth)
    I see there is another Jen..so I am adding S
    Thank you for the insight with the situation I am dealing with.. er: toxic..I feel string today.. yesterday, not so.. but I am grateful to feel strong at this moment.
    Here is a simple question .. I feel weird responding in feeling messages all the time.. if someone says..while in passing or a quick hello.. “Hi.. How are ya?” It feels weird to be so deep with a feeling.. even if I am feeling it.. it just seems weird to always respond with feeling.. one could say I feel good, I feel bad.. etc.. and then continuing a conversation with all feeling messages??? Doesn’t that make us sound so feely?? if every other word is feel??
    If someone could post a basic everyday encounter feeling message script.. as an example.. it would be helpful… thanks..
    Maybe I am thinking too much..

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:47am

  533. 533: NetyNo Gravatar says:

    I am VERY new to this blogging thing. But i would like to ask a question please……My guy has a regular routine of calling every night after work, and if he isnt able to call he will text to let me know he wont be calling ( which I appericate & tell him so). If he doesnt call or text one night, is it ok to ask him about it? this rarely happens & and he sometimes volunteers the info himself. This has happened twice over the last week. And he seems to not want to share whats going on.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:50am

  534. 534: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Nety-
    If you haven’t read Rori’s ebook.. it will help you get started to be in touch with your feelings and then be able to state how you feel without being needy or giving off a suspicious vibe…(I know it is hard.. I am bumping up against walls all the time.. but baby steps.. i guess)
    and welcome.. I am new too.. so it’s a good place to explore questions and the ladies on this site are very insightful.. :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:53am

  535. 535: NetyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks JennS, I havnt finished the ebook I am working on it though! I am bumping against walls too! Yes baby steps I think. Big sigh….

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:04am

  536. 536: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    The date with BigBandLeader went well.

    When he actually called, I said I would feel more comfortable going somewhere not so loud (not a bar) where we could talk and just visit with each other.

    We met at a restaurant in the bar area. After my wine class (I spit some of it out but not ALL), I didn’t want to drink much more, so I kind of nursed a drink for a couple hours. We ordered some appetizers and chatted. He was a little…distant…it’s hard to make good eye contact and connect when you are both facing forward at the bar.

    The bar tender was an older man named Fred, and HE started gently flirting with me. My date noticed this and THEN started to turn to me and make eye cotnact and subtly touch me. LOL. Ehen my date went to the bathroom, the bartender asked my name and asked if his plan was working! To get my date to engage with me! Hahaha! So it was obvious to the bartender even!

    So it was about midnight, and he walked me to my car…I thought he might ask if I wanted to go somewhere else, but he seemed tongue-tied (this is a 54-year-old professional man who is also a well-known local musician! Why so uncertain???), so I said I was going to go home and get some rest. He kissed me. It was nice. No sparks.

    He said, “Ya know, you can call me too sometime.” I protested gently and with a smile: “Oh no, you know it feels better to me to be the girl.” And he said “If you’re out though, ya know, eventually, you should call me and say, ‘Come join me, this is fun!’”

    I again gently said that there has to be “a now” before there is an “eventually” and that I feel uncomfortable pursuing a man “now.” That it would feel better for HIM to create the “now” for us. And then we’ll see about “eventually” and how our dynamic works.

    WOW. Why are so many men so resistant to being THE MAN??? He said it would not be six weeks between dates this time, and I said that it would feel great to see him soon.

    I think I turned the tide by saying it felt better to me to meet somewhere where we could talk. I think he sees me as kind of a party girl because the last date was bar-alcohol-band-sex, and I wanted him to just TALK to me and see the person. I think it happened last night.

    Well, it remains to be seen whether he likes this person. I will let you know. Thank you everyone, Sirens and Lurker, for your input. You helped my confidence tremendously last night.

    FW, I tried the tapping on my fingers, and it really worked to keep me grounded and out of my head. I mean REALLY!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:10am

  537. 537: EmersonNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, that was very sireney of you to outgirl him!! Impressed.

    Argh. Yes, men resisting being the masculine role, being the MAN…I am experiencing this with my CDs at the moment. It’s ok though, I’m just practincing my outgirling skills!!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:19am

  538. 538: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    JennS,

    RE: #532 – In her CD programs, Rori challenged me to practice feeling messages all day, everyday, with everyone, in order for it to become second nature and, eventually, organic.

    I took her challenge, even tho it felt weird (:lol:) at first. I have been doing it for a year or two now, with increasing success! Rori is right – it changes my life and how people relate to me! Some people don’t like it a little bit, but so what?! I ain’t out to please anyone but me, God, and my closest loved ones! I get to speak my mind and heart, and it is a beautiful way to change the world with love!

    Here are some every day feeling messages I use:

    How are you?

    I feel fantastic!
    I feel sad.
    I feel tired.
    I feel good.
    I feel like a limp rag doll laying in a puddle.
    I feel happy!
    I feel horrible.
    I feel energetic.
    I feel excited.
    I feel mischievous.
    I feel bored.

    Does that help?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:31am

  539. 539: MelNo Gravatar says:

    519: FW

    I’m feeling fine today! :) I’ve been wondering about you too. It seems we’ve both been doing a lot of “processing.”

    My e-therapist (LOL) recommended a book to me which I just added to my kindle. It’s called “Wherever you go there you are.” It’s all about mindfulness. She suggested that I just not think at all about the relationship right now and work on the things that I do have control over (getting myself out of negative thinking patterns). I am excited to focus on me.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:32am

  540. 540: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nety,

    RE: #533 – Welcome! I would say lightly, next time he contacts me, “I missed you last night!” It makes it positive.

    About him not giving much info, at a close moment, when I was with him, I would say, “I really have a desire to know you, you know? Beyond just hello, how are you?”

    If his response seemed positive, I might add, “I feel interested to know your deep truth, beyond just every day things. What do you think?”

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:34am

  541. 541: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    I’m goin great guns today! My work party should be here in less than a half hour. I had to take a breather (here) after taking a shower, washing a large amount of dishes, then washing about 8 big plastic storage bins, then carry wet blankets from the bathroom floor outside to dry and the bins outside to dry.

    Now I am having a big protein drink with orange juice, strawberries, ice, and high quality vegetable protein powder with all sorts of veggies in it.

    Earlier I skipped breakfast, just having cinnamon pills and slimquick pills with green tea and slimquick fat burner drink. Yay!

    My 30th class reunion is July 1-2, and I’m making a last ditch effort to get some weight off before it.

    Two of my friends gave me great, solid legal advice about my rental situation.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:38am

  542. 542: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    OK, so I have a great story about my evening last night.

    I went to a happy hour with the Meetup group that my no job guy and I spent some time with last weekend at a poker party at someone’s house. The person who hosted the poker party was at the happy hour last night and asked me where my “boyfriend” was. I told him that he wasn’t my boyfriend, we were just dating. Well, this guy said that he had messaged me on one of the dating sites that I was on a few months back but I never responded. When he saw I was coming for the party last week he was really excited but then let down because I brought a date with me.

    This is amazing to me – small world, huh? When I met him last week I was attracted to him and even flirted a bit with him. He is not someone looks wise that I would have been drawn to but definitely personality wise. So, last night he asked to take me out to dinner. We are going tonight :)

    Oh, and I am going to break it off with the no job guy. I like him but there are too may “buts” there for me. There are things in him that remind me of my ex-husband and I want to break that pattern for sure.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:49am

  543. 543: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, i feel jealous of all that productivity haha. Please come back my house up next. I get the keys to my new place today.

    I am throwing a wedding shower today and won’t know anyone there. I might have my guy friend come with me. he is helping me get ready for it.

    Have a nice day:)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:00am

  544. 544: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Boomer, that is funny about the bartender! LOL

    I am impressed about what you said to band leader about the “now” and “eventually”. I wish I could come up with great things like that off the top of my head! I always think of stuff to say like that later, but not in the moment when it counts.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:03am

  545. 545: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    RE: #543 – Happy for you getting a new place! I still need to find one that allows dogs. I had a couple lined up, but I didn’t have the money to put down, so I had to let them go.

    I feel disappointed…so far no one has shown up for my work party. It was supposed to have started a half hour ago. :-( I feel overwhelmed and discouraged.

    I’m blasting music to keep myself going. I just made my bed from scratch and wiped down some counters and furniture. Now I am going to pack some clothes in the plastic bins. I’m glad it’s warm so I can have the door open and let in fresh air (I don’t have windows here in the basement. I look forward to having windows and a kitchen again).

    D, do you have help to move? Nice you are putting on a baby shower. Why for people you don’t know?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:25am

  546. 546: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda-
    Thank you.. but then I always get why? why do you feel sad? why do you feel bad? and then I start talking tooooo much.. so I tend to just say nothing or just go .. “just because”.. so what do you think? about the responses that come after the next question.. and then do I always say I feel… I feel..I like to have normal conversations about stuff not just feelings…
    ???

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:25am

  547. 547: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Four years ago I had to move everything I owned. It took me an entire month. I had to stop for breaks every 5-10 minutes.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:32am

  548. 548: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda-
    I just came up with a few more..
    I feel
    playful
    sexy
    intimate
    dumb
    like I’m on ecstasy..(Lol.. never do the thing.. but still it’s euphoric)
    Euphoric
    Today I actually feel playful and excited..that’s’ a step up from the last few days of feeling sooooooo saaaad and hopeless.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:35am

  549. 549: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    JennS,

    Good! The only one I would eliminate is “I feel dumb”. Sirens don’t put themselves down, even playfully. :-)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:40am

  550. 550: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am the maid of honor to the bride. she shares my group of friends, but not the other way around, and our mutual friends are out of the country, etc.

    brenda, just keep working as planned. you’re doing great!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:40am

  551. 551: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    maybe she means dumb as in mute

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:41am

  552. 552: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    JennS,

    RE: #546 – When I am talking with someone with whom I don’t want a deep conversation, I typically say, “I feel happy”. If they ask why, I say, “It’s a beautiful day!” or “Life is good!” I know what you mean. You don’t want a psychological evaluation with everyone with whom you cross paths.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:41am

  553. 553: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    Thanks for the encouragement! I just wrote an email to the man at my church who distributes emails. I put in my feeling messages and pretty much everything I just expressed here. Ok, on to clothing packing.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:43am

  554. 554: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, Dorothea–
    yea. I can see eliminating that.. but laughingly.. If I felt stupid about doing somthing dumb.. I could say it with a giggle..” Ha.. I feel dumb right now.. I just left my keys in the car..” for example.. lol.. but I get what your saying!! Thanks

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:44am

  555. 555: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    JennS,

    I know it just flows off the tongue, but I have been becoming a new woman on this blog. Tinque is the one who first drew my attention to my very frequent putdowns, subtle and humorous tho I thot they were.

    I have learned to replace it with a gentle, “I am in process”, and to give compassion to my weak parts.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:13am

  556. 556: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,

    I just emptied my two dressers into two large plastic bins, after carrying them back inside from where they were drip-drying in the yard. Now I am going to start a new couple of bins of clothes from the ones I carried in a few days ago from the laundromat.

    Then I’m going to start piling packed boxes, bins, and bags in one quadrant of my living room.

    Anyone else want to join in with their accomplishments hour by hour? This gives me a little mini-break. I’ve worked up a sweat, and I’m breathing hard!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:15am

  557. 557: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    JennS,

    Of course it is your choice, and I am not dictating what you should do. I have found it very healing for me, after a lifetime of frequent, harsh criticism. It was my self-talk: “You idiot!”; “Bren-DUHHH!”; “Dummy!”

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:17am

  558. 558: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    wow, i’m loving your productivity. i have to run for the day but i will be back tomorrow to read even more about it:)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:26am

  559. 559: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    HI Goddesses!

    I have been out adventuring… and I still want to have the Goddess Party today at 1 pm pacifi… in just an hour and a half!!

    hope you all are coming!

    here’s the info!

    http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/97987 – to listen online

    and

    Phone Number: (724) 444-7444
    Call ID: 97987

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:32am

  560. 560: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    What’s going on with the hacked email? I just got one from you saying it was hacked. Anything I should do?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:39am

  561. 561: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling so excited and scared that no one will be there

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:40am

  562. 562: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda – sorry, yeah, if you didnt get a weird link from me earlier, then its ok. apparently a weird link got sent yesterday

    my email is unhacked now and i just sent you teh Goddess party log in info

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:41am

  563. 563: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, ty!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:45am

  564. 564: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea – haha i made up the parachute jumper tool, but rori does have the ‘unstrap yourself’

    it helped for me to have a parachute and him not :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:45am

  565. 565: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    if no one shows up i will jsut reschedule it

    there is always time to party

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 11:53am

  566. 566: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I had a chicken salad sandwich with cheese on oat bread, pickles, and diet coke for lunch.

    My back hurts from the housework. I am going to sit in a rolling chair and do some box packing. I got most of my clothes packed.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:15pm

  567. 567: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel overwhelmed. I feel like…no, there is no quit option.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:21pm

  568. 568: DENo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    I am in…how long do you expect the seminar to be?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:22pm

  569. 569: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    503: Queenbee says:

    “Serena, Elizabeth – how do you feel now that you started this new practice? – as opposed to before?”

    Hi Queenbee :-) it feels like I am taking care of myself in a good way, rather than feeding an addiction. I like being able to exercise discipline over my impulses. If my goal is to make a clean break from a status quo dysfunctional relationship, I don’t want to deliberately invoke any of its energy for a while, including the good sexual stuff. It is challenging enough not to engage all the thoughts, memories and negative voices, so I don’t want to spin my wheels by taking two steps forward and two steps back. I want to stop everything in its tracks, and that is what I am doing, with more and more success. I don’t want to hook into making the guy into a bad guy or a good guy. Sometimes I will allow myself to feel some of the good stuff, but I don’t want to start making it into being about “what might have been”. Later on down the road, I may be more able to reminisce or have fantasy sex with him more, if I want to, without the “charge” involved. I dunno, does this make sense to you? feel free to ask for clarification….

    xxxooo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:29pm

  570. 570: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    DE – yay awesome!

    i think the party will be about an hour to an hour and a half

    can you call in so i can talk with you?

    id like it if Goddesses were able to call in so that I can answer questions and practice with you directly

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:45pm

  571. 571: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth-
    Interesting post about feeding an addiction and perfect for what was addressed in earlier posts.. re: toxic addicted men…
    I felt super super strong today in my own beautiful sexy energy and felt proud of who I am and free from the negative thoughts.. and then all of a sudden.. I start up again.. why he doesnt think about me.. why isn’t he wanting to see me.. etc.. what else could i hav done.. wht if he lied to me and met someone else over the past few weeks and just couldn’t tell me.. all those ugly an ddestructive toxic thoughts that get in the way of feeling strong… I try to just breathe and place myself on a beach.. I smile and do the best I can when these waves of negativity hit.. but I still have yet to find the one tool that works.. It’s hard not to feel that sadness of rejection. any tips or tools that work for you?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:45pm

  572. 572: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    meaning it would feel more fun to call in on the phone,

    rather than listen online (where i can’t talk directly with you on the call)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:47pm

  573. 573: DENo Gravatar says:

    Yes, I will be calling in :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:49pm

  574. 574: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    532 JennS

    re: feeling strong today
    I feel happy that you seem to get that feelings are passing phenomenons that change from day to day,
    hour to hour. minute to minute, second to second. and, that we can experience how they feel in our body but another part can just observe them without commentary. This is one way to become more vulnerable, and not let the hurt and disappointment close us even further, but allow us to open more because we are grateful for all of our feelings.

    That is the thing with speaking in feeling messages,
    somehow, I find in my experience, that when you merely say the words, “I feel” it just opens you up more and others around you to be able to relax more and feel safe. I don’t feel compelled to have a whole casual conversation in feeling message, but where I feel moved to and where it would be the best way to express something.
    :-)

    xxxooo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:50pm

  575. 575: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    I’ll be calling in, too. Thanks!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:53pm

  576. 576: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    JennS – have you tried Rosa’s stop Sign tool, and then introducing and positive thought?

    that one has worked for me with the most (amazing) consistency

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 12:57pm

  577. 577: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ladies please bear with me hehe i am setting it up

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:00pm

  578. 578: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    571: JennS says:

    “I try to just breathe and place myself on a beach.. I smile and do the best I can when these waves of negativity hit.. but I still have yet to find the one tool that works.. It’s hard not to feel that sadness of rejection. any tips or tools that work for you?”

    I hear you. And it’s like the switch from feeling strong to not strong just hits all of a sudden, before you even know what hit you.

    I’m wondering if it’s about finding that one tool that works, or just using all of them, as often as needed. That is what I do. I gotta say, I love the Rosa Stop Sign Tool, the way Daria has described it where you look sharply up to the right (like EMDR) and visualize that big red sign and hold it for 5 seconds. It’s like hitting the Esc button. I also use imagining the screen going blank black or to that fuzzy stuff. Well, I am pretty visual, so these kinds of things work for me. Also the cutting cords exercise, where you see yourself and the person connected by strings or cords and you are holding a big sword and you slice them, and watch the person get vacuumed out backwards into space until they disappear. Let me know what you think, if you want.

    I know, it ain’t easy sometimes.

    xxxooo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:01pm

  579. 579: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Pin number isnt working

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:02pm

  580. 580: DENo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    The pin is not recognized…:( it says it’s being used by another caller possibly

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:02pm

  581. 581: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth- Daria
    I wish I could make that call.. but I need to go to work.. ;(
    I have tried the stop tool.. but never can really see it as a red sign.. so I am not sure if it’s the best for me..I will still try.
    Elizabeth-
    I will try that experience the feelings without commentary.. it has been in my stomach all week.. I just can’t seem to eat.. so when I feel hungry, I know I feel better.. I like the idea of not always commenting on how I feel.. rather just see where the feeling is in my body…

    It’s the having control that gets me..and it is all over my life.. I think I am free to just let the universe guide me.. but in actuality, I am constantly expecting things and always dissappointed.. clearly, something I need to get a handle on and more freedom around. :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:06pm

  582. 582: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Jenn S, also, as Daria has suggested, after using stop sign tool, introduce a more positive thought, go to your beach in your mind.

    About the sadness of rejection, what works for me is reminding myself that entertaining thoughts and feelings around rejection or how could I have been so clueless, is like beating myself up. which is a way of punishing ourselves, because the guy isn’t there to do it for us anymore. For what? What have we not forgiven ourselves for?

    xxxooo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:07pm

  583. 583: DENo Gravatar says:

    okay…i got in…

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:07pm

  584. 584: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    We are on the call now, if anyone wants to join Daria’s Goddess Party! Call the number Daria wrote above!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:15pm

  585. 585: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Jenn S
    “It’s the having control that gets me..and it is all over my life.. I think I am free to just let the universe guide me.. but in actuality, I am constantly expecting things and always dissappointed.. clearly, something I need to get a handle on and more freedom around. :)”

    Yeah, I so know. I find that being satisfied with and grateful for simple things and simplicity helps a lot. You know, it’s all relative and depends upon the perspective you choose. For instance, before I raised children I never would have found so much joy pleasure and happiness over just being able to take a shower or bath at the end of the day. That was all I needed. That was the biggest expectation. And just going thru my day being totally present to what is going on around me, like the cat to my left and the dog to my right , watching them breathe, and shift, listening to the pitter patter of the rain outside, being thankful to be able to connect with people such as yourself and the others that show up here. This being present trumps everything else, all that other commentary.
    Committing to this…moment to moment…

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:16pm

  586. 586: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth-
    I understand. it takes a muscle to strengthen that commiitment to being present moment to moment..
    It’s odd how when I get that “fix” of love or perceived love.. attnetion.. text.. desire.. etc it’s as if i am able to function again.. it’s really unbelievable how dependant one can be on outside “fixes”.. It’s the being unsettled with teh situation that makes me yearn for a fix.. Finding peace and strength with the unknown and in reality the painful truth.. is hard. boy oh boy!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:27pm

  587. 587: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Love gives life and hate destroys it.

    You can never destroy the ones you love, only the ones you hate. So the only way to avoid destruction is to love.

    Unknown

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:38pm

  588. 588: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    586 Jenn S

    “It’s odd how when I get that “fix” of love or perceived love.. attnetion.. text.. desire.. etc it’s as if i am able to function again.. it’s really unbelievable how dependant one can be on outside “fixes”..”

    Oh yes! and that’s what makes the fixes so attractive and hard for us to stop seeking them.
    But they only last so long and then we are right back where we started from. knowing that is what makes it easier for me.

    “It’s the being unsettled with teh situation that makes me yearn for a fix.. Finding peace and strength with the unknown and in reality the painful truth.. is hard. boy oh boy!”

    Oh yes, you said a mouthful there! To add insult to no-closure injury, in my case, the “perp” as I jokingly refer to him, is withholding one of my possessions, which he promised to return. So, I will never know if he is planning to return it one day or if he never will. From a deeper place of awareness, I have consciously chosen to abandon wondering, and continue abiding and exercising that being present muscle…. duh…winning!

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:42pm

  589. 589: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth-
    very well put.
    ok off to work… feeling the weirdness in belly right now.. interestingly enough though, this feeling I get in my belly.. is the SAME when I am sad and when I am excited…interesting.. I just saw that for myself.. hmmm.. I am going to add good thouhghts to this feeling from now on instead of the sadness and longingness…
    see you again soon…

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 1:51pm

  590. 590: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    wooo hoo ! :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 2:56pm

  591. 591: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    thanks ladies for being there!

    Thank you Brenda and DE!!

    :)

    that felt good!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 2:58pm

  592. 592: DENo Gravatar says:

    Yes indeed Daria!!! Congratulations for your first hosted seminar :)

    Thank you dearly for sharing the powers of Yamaya, Oshun, and Oya…I liked learning about each one, how I relate to each one, and how I can bring out their powers within me…by simply calling their names :) Awesome…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:10pm

  593. 593: DENo Gravatar says:

    OMG…Daria, I was just calling in Oshun…the Goddess of sweetneess and flirt…and I was just about to post ab it…when I get a message on FB from an old school friend…lol…Wow…the power of a Goddess…and he is sure flirting with me…lol

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:16pm

  594. 594: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Thank you very much! I had to hang up near the end, because I had to get back to moving responsibilities. I had to make some apartment calls. I have an appt for tomorrow to see a good place that will allow pets.

    But with no one showing up to help me two weeks in a row, I feel like dragging all my stuff to the backyard and setting a match under it.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:20pm

  595. 595: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a tight knot in my gut knowing that nasty lady is upstairs. I wish I could leave here tonight. She has no idea how bad I want to get the hell out of here.

    I could just pack up my papers, clothes, and other important stuff, go store it, and just leave. I could camp for a while. It’s just all too much for one person to handle.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:23pm

  596. 596: DENo Gravatar says:

    Brenda:

    Oh, I wished I was closer to you to help you pack and deal with all that :(…I love organizing and cleaning…it’s soo therapeutic to me…

    Call in Yamaya…:)

    Warm hugs,

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:27pm

  597. 597: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “You do not have to be good.

    You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.

    ~ Mary Oliver “

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:33pm

  598. 598: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel good i feel pleasured!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:34pm

  599. 599: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 536 Yay Boomer.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:34pm

  600. 600: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    That sounds great Mel. Thanks for responding.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 3:37pm

  601. 601: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    #569 – Hi Elizabeth, thanks for that!

    Yes, I really see now. I haven’t been being authentic because I haven’t stopped Everything. I’ve only stopped the parts that would be obvious to him… so inauthentic! :)

    Anyway, now I’m stopping Everything in it’s tracks as you say – thoughts, memories, NVs and sexual fantasies.

    I like what you say … “I don’t want to make him out to be a good or bad guy”. And you are right. When I don’t stop everything I end up making him into one of those.

    And I’m over functioning… pretending I’m not.

    mmmh, this makes so much sense. I’m going to practice this.

    Thanks for sharing! :)

    xoxo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:04pm

  602. 602: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Had an amazing CD experience today :) loved it.

    I listened better from level 2 and I was more relaxed not trying to achieve something with FMs.

    I feel good.

    My performance (1st part) went a bit wobbly though – poor technique, not moving at all :(

    The host had a gown for me, which looked gorjus and everyone took pictures of me. But when I got into the performance, since the gown was adjusted at the back, it felt too tight and I lost my presence. That’s when things went wobbly, clippity clop.

    But anyway, I know all this about wear what you’re going to wear stuff etc… but I felt okay wearing the gown because it was GORJUS and it made the host and everyone happy.

    Nonetheless, I definitely feel some judgment on myself for the not-so-good performance, but I can just embrace it and not beat myself up.

    There will be another opportunity to perform this piece. At least I had the willies under control, which is what I’m practicing :)

    So yay for me in that area. Next time will be better!

    xoxo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:15pm

  603. 603: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/what-to-do-when-you-worry-about-him/

    Some Steps To Stop Worry About Love
    You must catch yourself as soon as possible.
    Indulge in a shaky moment if you wish.
    Turn the thoughts over a few times if you must.
    But then recognize them for what they are, LIES.
    Laugh at them. Dismiss them. Talk to them Soothe them.
    Now turn them into a beautiful memory, one that more resembles the truth.
    Allow the new feelings that arise to permeate you.
    Remember that you are having these thoughts and feelings because you’ve been triggered for whatever reason. It could have been a fleeting thought of which you were totally unaware.
    When you find yourself in HIS head or HIS body or HIS heart, GET OUT.
    Your job is to be in YOUR mind, YOUR body, YOUR heart, feeling whatever it is you feel, so these feelings can shift and move through you.

    We go to these places because they are familiar, and there is comfort in familiarity even if it feels uncomfortable as strange and as contradictory as this might sound.

    So when your gremlin voices appear, know that this is simply a reminder that there’s more work to do. This is part of the journey that is your life, and it’s wonderful.

    Love, Tinque

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:28pm

  604. 604: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/top-ten-list-of-what-to-do-and-what-not-to-do-in-relationships/

    For WOMEN In Relationships
    DO

    1. When you want more quality time with your man, make the time you do have as positive as possible.

    2. Trust and respect him.

    3. Stop nagging.

    4. Allow your partner time away from you without giving him the third degree.

    5. Appreciate the little things he does for you and tell him so.

    6. Make love creatively and often. Don’t be afraid to initiate lovemaking.

    7. Honor any agreements you have made with him.

    8. Support his goals and direction.

    9. Ask for what you want! (Believe it or not, no matter how much he loves you, he really can’t read your mind.)

    10. Accept his “No” gracefully, trusting that he would if he could.

    DON’T

    1. Go to bed angry with your partner.

    2. Insist he always share his feelings with you. Talking about feelings is more what women need.

    3. Attempt to converse with your partner during a good movie or sporting event.

    4. Continue to “give” in what you perceive is a lopsided relationship when you are at a point of resentment.

    5. Criticize him or put him down, especially the things he does.

    6. Scold your partner as if he were a child.

    7. Use sex as a prize for good behavior or the withholding of sex as punishment for “bad” behavior.

    8. Compare him to a fictional character in a book, movie or soap drama and find him lacking.

    9. Violate his privacy.

    10. Try to change him. Appreciate the man he is right now.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:40pm

  605. 605: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Having a girls night out with some friends… hoping we have fun and can relax a bit. My one friend is pretty bitchy, praying she is in a better mood! :) Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:47pm

  606. 606: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Oh, and I went and had a mani/pedi this morning, feel all fabulous! Did a little shopping and met my sister for lunch. What a nice day!

    Last night I met another friend for a few drinks. Was nice catching up, we hadn’t been out in awhile. Supposed to see Mike tomorrow, but we didn’t finalize plans either. Men….lol.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:48pm

  607. 607: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle I hope you feel better today and the sadness has passed.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:55pm

  608. 608: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    hee hee….noquitoption man said,
    yes, i’m still interested…

    :-)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:56pm

  609. 609: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn I am wondering if your bff responded to the apology and how things are going today.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 4:58pm

  610. 610: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling horrible…I hurt my guy with no job…he keeps calling…I had no idea he would take it this bad. I’ve only know him for about a month.

    What am I supposed to do?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:07pm

  611. 611: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Did you establish a boundary with him?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:08pm

  612. 612: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    How did you hurt him?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:13pm

  613. 613: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I told him it was best if we didn’t see each other anymore.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:28pm

  614. 614: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Rori’s advice I am revisiting

    We take ALL of ourselves EVERYWHERE – and use every bit of information we get from those parts of ourselves to make decisions.

    When decisions are fully informed by our feelings and intuitions – we end up HAPPY!!!

    Simple as that!

    We stop listening to the voices that tell us what we have to do, what we should do, what we need to do – and we start charting a course that lines up with what we desire and feel good about.

    And so – a man who honestly tells us he is withdrawing – for WHATEVER reason, gets treated with warmth, openness, trust, belief that he’s doing what he feels he needs to do and has no ulterior motive or intent to hurt us or confuse us – and that we really don’t NEED any CLARIFICATION!!!

    A husband who sleeps with another woman is delivering a message loud and clear. He’s saying – “I’m missing something in this marriage, and even though it might be immature, rude, wrong, bad, mean and anything else of me to have slept with this woman – I did it because I wanted to. And now I may be sorry, but I’m not sure. Maybe I want a lot of things I’m not supposed to have.”

    And your feelings will be so awful that you’ll be tempted to take all kinds of action – to attack, to grieve, to run away, to kick him out, to get revenge, to hurt him….and also…to GET HIM BACK.

    When you’ve invested years in a marriage, it might make sense to learn what your part is in “what he’s missing.” It might help you reconnect with him in a better way (I’ve had clients for whom this has happened beautifully).

    It might even be acceptable for you to simply forgive him and move on (Miranda in Sex and the City).

    Or it might be the wake-up call you needed to send him packing, and finally, blissfully be on your own and make yourself available for someone fresh.

    But when you’re “dating” – there’s no such investment. Or – there SHOULDN’T be, if you’re hoping to stay sane and hormone-balanced.

    A man just comes and goes. For his own reasons.

    And here’s the part where I can help, and what all my work is about:

    Among a man’s reasons (if you care for him and want to ask the tough questions) for not Going “further” with you into a real relationship – this possible “something” that’s holding him back, this “something” that’s “missing” for him might be something YOU’RE withholding from him. A part of you that isn’t open, and so it won’t let HIM open.

    And when you read my stuff and think like that – your first instinct is to blame yourself, beat yourself up, jump to the conclusion that it’s YOUR fault (it isn’t – not even close), contact the man and show him how “different” you are now as a “Modern Siren.”

    Only – the instinct to “go get him” and “show him” is completely the opposite direction a Modern Siren goes in!

    So – built-in frustration and conflict.

    Just like the possibilities in a marriage – no matter what has happened – If you’re still seeing a man (even just “dating” him, but he hasn’t backed off completely) – you can do it!! He’s THERE!! you can change, and he’ll change. The possibility for going deeper and getting committed is THERE!!

    But – if he’s already pulled away and “gone” – like this man in the letter – then what?

    The urge to call him is intense. You want a RE-DO!! We ALL want a re-do.

    And there’s no way to manage that. But…here’s the magic:

    He will show up again. Yes he will. He will either meet another woman and fall in love and marry her (and then you KNOW he wasn’t your Mr. Right, simply couldn’t have been), or he’ll call you.

    Once he calls you – you are at “start” again. You are either the Siren you are now, or you are the “you” that you “were” when he stopped calling. THAT choice is up to YOU!!!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:31pm

  615. 615: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Did I do the wrong thing? He is a great guy… its not just about the no job thing. I relish someone who is goal driven and I don’t see that in him. Just like my ex. We clicked and I had a great time with him, but I just can’t get past some stuff. Yet he was a nice guy. Ugh….I am horrible…

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:31pm

  616. 616: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl I read your earlier comments and it seemed to me like you were replacing him with another man. I can imagine it would feel awful to him as he must already feel awful not having a job. But the thing is you accepted before the way he was and now you are saying he is no longer good enough for you. Not saying you should take care of his feelings or not do what is best for you but that it might be that your best bet is to get clear on what you actuallyt want before engaging with anyone in the future. What do you think?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:34pm

  617. 617: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been remembering this for a couple days. When I was 18 and my bf who I was crazy ‘in love’ with (Imaginary Relationship) disappeared for two months.

    I felt so sad and those were the days when there were no cell phones so I could not reach him in any way. So I pined, then I went to his house and spoke to his sister-in-law looking for him.

    Humiliating! I was filled with grief, shock that this man would do this to me.

    So two months later, he received the message from his sister-in-law, came to my house and broke up with me.

    I was devastated. He did not give me a reason – I hated that! And I pined over that for a long time.

    I knew it was coming… when I was told he was at my gate… I went out ‘happy’ (pretending, stuffing down the fear/ anxiety, hurt, shame, guilt) to see him but also knowing what was to come and it did.

    He drove off and I walked back into my house filled with shame and guilt at being ‘dumped’. And I felt horrified for the two months (or maybe it was more) that I waited for him, wondering, hoping, thinking… it was awful!

    So now, here I am. It feels good to write about this and get my feelings out.

    I did not get over him for years – always wanted to know why, and living in imaginary relationship world – thoughts, memories, NVs and the paraphernalia from our ‘relationship’, which I carried around with me for some years.

    We met some couple years down the road and I was still pining. I mentioned to him the paraphernalia and he says to me ‘they are just cards’ – and he was with his gf who he introduced to me.

    I felt humiliated again and I felt completely shocked and distrustful of men.

    I don’t know why I’m saying this – it doesn’t actually feel good. But that’s when I began using the term ‘paraphernalia’ for relationship items and that feels really empowering coz that’s exactly what it is.

    I don’t assign meaning these days. I feel much better being able to separate the man from the items.

    mmmh… – breathe, waterwheel, I love myself. I still feel like grabbing him, digging my claws into him, shaking his head and breaking his neck.

    LOL! that would feel really good. For his smugness!

    He came round a few times after the breakup to see me… over some years… no idea why. The last time he left his number. I did call him for my own interests, but we never met.

    It was just not that important to me anymore. Not that I got over him coz I’m still writing about him right now…. The point being that I am over him now, just need to allow myself to feel my feelings – and smother them with love and tenderness…

    Ahh, healing comes…

    I guess I’m just noticing… what if HotAmazing man does not come back. Then what? I guess I’m okay. I would like to feel beaten down, angry, frustrated, resentful and anything else that can go along with that.

    But I am truly more interested in my process right now. Ok, so what happened happened and I have no idea what he is thinking. That’s a good place to start.

    I also like the idea of just stopping everything in it’s tracks as Elizabeth posted to me in 569.

    I feel better off that I’ve got tools to work with and I’ve got a life that needs doing. So I will be okay.

    I love Rori’s idea about men stepping up. It takes all the pressure off and going on real dates before sex comes up as an option.

    That feels good. At least I know where my boundaries are with all the men I’m meeting.

    I honestly love this group of men. Aside from our mutual interest in the arts – the vibe is so cool! None of them in competition with each other, all kind and caring for me. It’s like me and 5 or 6 men at a time.

    Ok, it’s all practice. I don’t feel like I’m in ‘friend’ mode, some may be discerning… while others have decided… perhaps. It’s just different levels of ‘relationship’ with each one.

    mmmh, it’s interesting…

    I did miss HotAmazing man when I was coming home today… the Hot dates, the attraction, the falling in love that we had, the stepping up, intimacy, sex, fun, connection….

    But now that he’s not calling me/ hasn’t called – I guess I feel like I’m in an all too familiar space, like when I was 18, and I fear the outcome may be the same… but my brain is not ready to accept.

    The only difference being that I have tools that I can work with and I can STOP EVERYTHING… and not do the things I did when I was 18.

    Yeah, I sure do miss the connection… and may be wish that he would show up…

    But what’s the sense in that… still leaning forward in my thoughts.

    I want to heal this, thank you!

    Now I can just relax, be in my body and get connected to myself by stopping everything!

    Boy, isn’t it hard, but I’m going to do this for my own sanity, growth and feeling better.

    I guess the question that follows is after how long of no communication should I delete him from my skype?

    It would feel easier to stop everything if he was not constantly popping up and not saying anything – and then I know his every move or no move. Ugh!

    Mmm, why do I think this is Ugh! I guess it just feels Ugh to have so much info on what a man is doing (his timings etc)…

    Feeling ick not wanting to be ignored.

    Fear wondering if he will/ has deleted me. I don’t want to think this. I feel afraid of self-fulfilling prophesies…

    Or perhaps it’s because I didn’t chose him to be on my skype. I just kinda submitted to him. I guess sometimes I don’t mind submitting to a good man (feeling judgment around him being ‘good’). But I’ve got so much going on with this… coz I know he is on, he’s not talking to me and that feels uncomfortable, and angry and resistance….

    Then my whole body feels in over-vibration in a painful sort of way.

    There is a part of me that wonders if it is inauthentic to delete him?

    Perhaps I could practice stopping everything to the point of not caring if he is on.

    I guess deleting him feels like moving on…

    I don’t know… we’ll see, I won’t do anything now… feeling stuck and angry…

    I don’t want a knee-jerk reaction.

    If I delete him, I would push him away for good. That feels like self-sabotage.

    So tired of this ‘thinking that I’m pushing him away’ – I’m doing no such thing. He’s just doing what he wants.

    I feel powerful when I delete him. I don’t know why… though I don’t think it is being emotionally available and that is why I don’t delete him.

    mmmh, it feels like something I’m trying to fix.

    What do you think Sirens and Sailors?

    In general terms please, since I’m trying to stop everything and that would include writing about him and analyzing his specific behavior.

    Love to all!

    xoxo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:35pm

  618. 618: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    You are not horrible. Maybe you are not clear on what you want. Maybe attracting such guys is a pattern for you. Maybe you are a rescuer?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:35pm

  619. 619: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I do tend to see some “rescuer” in me but I don’t think that is what he needs. I think I just need someone who is more stable…has career goals, life goals. I don’t see that in him. I guess to me he doesn’t seem strong? Feminine maybe?

    And since this is my second time around, I guess I do want to be able to enjoy things I never got to enjoy before such as traveling, going to events, etc. I don’t see that I could do that with him unless I paid for everything. I don’t think I am a snob, I just want a semi-different life than I had before.

    But then I think I just tossed away someone who is ready for committment, who is a good hearted man.

    He is calling again…

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 5:41pm

  620. 620: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    And I feel more horrible because I can’t pick up the phone because I am getting ready for my date tonight while he is sitting home wondering what the heck hit him. He left me a message saying “Oh God, please call me. I just want to talk”.

    I had no idea he would be so hurt. We have only known each other for a month. I also never realized I could effect someone like that and it is a horrible feeling. Now I am wondering just what the heck I want and if I am ready for it.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 6:15pm

  621. 621: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    DE,

    RE: #596 – Thank you so much! It’s the thot that counts!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 6:27pm

  622. 622: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    About a week ago, I was feeilng like it really was a possibiity that I could remarry Kenny again in the future, when he was released. But instead, today I wrote him this letter. This morning I told him I was too busy to mail something to him today, and it would have to wait until Monday. Even tho he knows I’m in a crisis, he said, “Stick it (the mail) up your butt.” I hung up on him to do the walk-away, without another word. He called me off and on all day, and finally I decided to pick up the phone around 8 pm, mostly because I felt sad and lonely. He hung up on me. Here is what I wrote:

    Dear Kenny,

    I love you, and I always will, but I say with sadness that we have reached the end of the line, because I love me, too.

    When I watched my parents at each other’s throats for 25 years, I promised myself I would never stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. All the exact same issues that were there when we divorced are still there:

    1. Emotional abuse (stick it up your butt, for example)
    2. Dragging me down morally
    3. Swearing, yelling, arguing
    4. Control and manipulation

    The flickering flame in my heart died tonight when you hung up on me. It was the type of thing Ryan does, intentionally hurting me. I have given it 11 years. Yes, we have both grown. But this is not the sort of relationship I want. I want to be around people who CONSISTENTLY treat me with respect and kindness. I will continue to help you financially, and that’s it. I’m sorry, and I feel very heavy hearted writing this. But I am committed to healthy relationships only in my life, and more and more, I see you as narcissistic, in addition to what I already wrote. I am weary of arguing, and I am too fragile emotionally to have close friends who abuse me at will.

    Love, Brenda

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:03pm

  623. 623: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I want to cry. I want to collapse. I can’t stand up under all this. I’ll be all right.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:10pm

  624. 624: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi FW – thanks for posting 614. This really resonates with me – thanks!

    xoxo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:17pm

  625. 625: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    There are no problems – only opportunities for creative solutions.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:49pm

  626. 626: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    All I ever wanted is a family and a home. Why are these things so elusive, when other people take them for granted, as a matter of course?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 7:50pm

  627. 627: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    @ 626
    I don’t know Brenda, I used to ask myself the same question a lot. Wondering what bit of me is so broken that I can’t have what so many others seem to find without having to even look for.

    These days, I have a lot more acceptance that the universe will provide.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:31pm

  628. 628: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Check out these disney images compared with the actual royal wedding. How much does this stuff shape our expectation of love and romance??

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:40pm

  629. 629: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    oops, here it is:

    http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/memes-like-a-disney-movie.jpg

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:41pm

  630. 630: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda be patient

    Dont get weary.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:43pm

  631. 631: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl and Brenda, I dont mean to be nosy but are either of you under 40?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:49pm

  632. 632: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, you are so full of love, you pour it all over everyone else. You need to give some to yourself, get Rori’s waterwheel going, paint yourself with love. Good men are starting to notice you and one of them will step up when you are ready. xo

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:51pm

  633. 633: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Ugh.. I feel sad. I have no reason to feel sad.

    I miss John and it stupid, this long later to even care. Maybe it’s cause I heard from him two days in a row and now noting. I have great guys who are into me. My flowers are awesome. And I recieve and feel good aroung them but, I dont feel super spakly around them, like I did him.. And I can’t stand these feelings coming up. They probably have nothing to so with him.

    I am about to move AGAIN.. geesh. And it’s to a beautiful house. I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to pull myself out this temporary mental rut.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:52pm

  634. 634: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    I’m 44 Nanceen….feeling younger every day :wink:

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:53pm

  635. 635: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    @ Brenda
    I liked your letter where you mentioned that you love yourself. YEAH!!!yes, you have feelings and needs that needs to be covered. You onces experienced in your childhood your parents drama. Enough of it.
    Sending you a lot f energy

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 8:55pm

  636. 636: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a little bored.

    I feel a little confused.

    I feel kinda annoyed and a little blue.

    Maybe sad and angry too.

    I feel tired of being hopeful. And I feel scared of the unknown and I’m pissed that I am still in a “transition”.

    The word transition feels like another word for “more bullshit”

    When do I walk in my blessing already?

    I’m not a victim.. And I can handle a trial but, I need some sunshine in my life.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:00pm

  637. 637: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel a little bored.

    I feel a little confused.

    I feel kinda annoyed and a little blue.

    And angry too.

    I feel tired of being hopeful. And I feel scared of the unknown and I’m pissed that I am still in a “transition”.

    The word transition feels like another word for “more bullshit”

    When do I walk in my blessing already?

    I’m not a victim.. And I can handle a trial but, I need some sunshine in my life.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:01pm

  638. 638: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Uh OHHH Sorry didnt know it repeated.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:02pm

  639. 639: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    River, dont give up. At age 41 I weighted 180 and was a highschool grad in an abusive marriage. I bought a treadmill (only form of exercise I can stand) lost 60 lbs. went to college, graduated, got a bachelors degree, kicked out my husband, starting to date someone and one day at the age of 48 I was lounging on a beach in cyprus in a bikini being adored by my bf. Now its a few years later and I have gone through some pretty rough times, but I just wanted to let you know life can change.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:03pm

  640. 640: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Well my boyfriend stopped our relationship 6 weeks ago as it got “too serious” for him. Families met, spending time with my boy and so forth. In any rate I had a few miserable weeks until I re-read Rori;s book and realized that I am the prize. All was good until I went to santa Barbara this week and got week. Our first trip 1 year ago was over there. So I texted him and wrote him that I was thinking of him and hope that he is doing well….the next morning sure enough he wrote me back but a cold text. Just telling me that I should enjoy the trip etc. Nothing personal whatsoever.
    I felt first a bit sad and mad about myself that I got weak after 6 weeks and end up writing him first. Then I took a walk in the canyons and felt actually a big relief. It felt like the last puzzle piece to realize that he is not the right one for me. He is not into me. I am ready now for new adventures. I am the”prize” like Rori talks in her book and CD about and I feel like I deserve to be with my soulmate.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:06pm

  641. 641: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda.. You are probably about to be blessed! Dont worry.. anytime youre going thru hell there is really a blessing on the side. Cast your cares upon Him.. Just like the good book says.

    Do Not Worry
    25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:09pm

  642. 642: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    seems like every time he gets me hot, he then splashes ice cold water at me. and I hate that.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:12pm

  643. 643: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Nanceen, WOW! you really got your mojo back! No way that I’m giving up either, life can turn on a dime….especially when you put yourself in the driver’s seat.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:12pm

  644. 644: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina..

    You might get back together when you date other people.. Once your energy isnt all on him. He will probably bounce back.. And if not keep steppin. :)

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:13pm

  645. 645: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda

    He is also the God of our past and can heal our painful memories. I dont know how he does it but he does.

    Alicia its just a test.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:20pm

  646. 646: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    RiverGirl,

    Re: #627 – You said, “These days, I have a lot more acceptance that the universe will provide.”

    Right on!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:22pm

  647. 647: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina,

    RE: #628 – I love that picture! I have it already posted on my FB wall! But that’s a very good question, about how much childhood stories shape our desires and experience of the world.

    I have so often thot about that. I really believed in all that for years, and it was my belief. A part of me still believes it. And a part of me still thinks it’s ok to believe it.

    “Someday my prince will come! Someday I’ll find the one!”
    “I know you, I danced with you once upon a dream…”

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:25pm

  648. 648: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Rivergirl, yeah I did, ha then I lost it again and now I am in the process of doing another “metamorphis”. sorry about spelling.

    Alicia: Guys often give flowers as a way of reminding you of them when they are not there. A guy once told me that its almost like a dog marking his turf. Personally I think some dogs and men are interchangeable but thats another blog. Tell him how long they lasted, how much they blessed you.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:25pm

  649. 649: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda:

    Where there is no hope, the people perish.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:26pm

  650. 650: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    But…come here, call me, look in your doggies eyes and get your hope back up.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:28pm

  651. 651: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Gina,fantasize about a guy that is so stable and always the same you are almost bored.

    I hate bratty men.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:30pm

  652. 652: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen,

    Re: #630 – Thank you!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:31pm

  653. 653: HeatherMNo Gravatar says:

    Per one of your other posts, I am leaving a question for you Rori. How do I stop myself from liking someone too soon? I find myself doing everything I learn from you , then bam, I start getting attached to one guy. I begin not wanting to circular date and start investing in the one guy too quickly. How do I lean back and circular date if I really like him and am starting to feel emotionally connected? Part of the problem is that most of the time, I only have one other guy to circular date with, if at all. I am finding this very difficult. Thank you so much for any advice you have on this.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:40pm

  654. 654: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen,

    Re: #631 – I am 40….plus 7! ;-) Why?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:42pm

  655. 655: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    RiverGirl,

    RE: #632 – What a sweet thing to say! Thank you so much!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:43pm

  656. 656: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina,

    RE: #635 – Awww, thank you so much!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:44pm

  657. 657: Lori slosserNo Gravatar says:

    there is guy i know who always calling his ex girlfriend or always talking about her. im getting sick of hear it

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:45pm

  658. 658: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda, I just didnt want you to think it was too late for anything.

    My sis is 52, just got engaged.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:46pm

  659. 659: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen,

    RE: #639 – Wow, good for you! What an encouraging story! I think it’s time I start losing weight, and I had a fully good day today with eating right and exercising!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:46pm

  660. 660: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    lori are you involved with him?

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:47pm

  661. 661: ginaNo Gravatar says:

    Yeah, bratty men – blech. bratty isn’t very masculine.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:48pm

  662. 662: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    RE: #641 – Wow, thank you so much! I pray God’s blessings on you, too! We are both due for a break! I am believing that this will result in a new life as I go thru this move.

    And I just got a friend lined up to help me Monday!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:48pm

  663. 663: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Gina,

    RE: #642 – You said, “seems like every time he gets me hot, he then splashes ice cold water at me. and I hate that.”

    :-( Sadly, I can relate. That is like Kenny. No more.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:49pm

  664. 664: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen,

    RE: #645 – You are all feeding me such beautiful encouragement tonight! Thank you! It is really touching my heart! Yes, I pray that God would completely heal my memories and my heart. It’s been pulverized, and I want it whole again.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:51pm

  665. 665: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Nanceen,

    RE: #658 – “My sis is 52, just got engaged.”

    Awesome! Love it! Thanks!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 9:56pm

  666. 666: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    I was in bed at 11 pm. Too upset to sleep. Going to take some Advil and try again. Good night! Thanks again, everyone, for your love and encouragement tonight! It means a lot!

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:02pm

  667. 667: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Brenda

    This is awesome from Joyce Meyer. It’s on Change..

    I watch her everyday on my laptop when I get ready in the morning.

    This one is really good.

    http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=The_Courage_to_Change_-_Pt_1

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:08pm

  668. 668: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Hey Alicia!! I am so glad you listen to Joyce!! She was talking about how what we say can be power draining, even if it is just a minor complaint!! And even if it is something true she says zip it!!! She says that your words can create an attitude and then that can create your reality. If you read scripture out loud, even it you dont feel anything after a few weeks or for me months, things change gradually. I started doing it and nothing happened for the longest time but I did it anyway, even when I was crying and now I feel these little glimmers of change.

    I have been trying to stop the neg talk and the neg thoughts at the same time. Its been hard but I have been seeing some cool stuff. I used to be able to maybe shut up but inside I would be raging or crying. Here is an example, it is minor but it was powerful to me. I had borrowed a crockpot from my sister. We are very, very close but fight too and can get possessive about stuff. She got in a huff one day and wanted that crockpot back. NOW. I felt hurt. I did not have one and could not get one because I am not working. She earns good money. She did not really want it back she was just mad at me. I know this is ridiculous for two women at our age. I thought about what Joyce says you are to do, behave okay inside and outside. I made sure it was clean and politely gave it to her. after she left I just kept trying to think good stuff about her and kept saying and thinking God please bless her, over and over. I know it sounds nutty but I really wanted to see how this worked and I was so tired of getting upset and worked up. I actually wanted to cry because she was so cold and mean to me. Three days later she needed an errand run for her. I was tempted to be nasty but remembered we are not supposed to get revenge but let God take care of it. I did the errand for her and as I was leaving she said “oh I have something for you, I got it at a thrift store, it is brand new and still in the box”. It was a beautiful oval shaped crockpot, even bigger and nicer than hers! I love it!! And I got without tears, pain and a fight!! Then she said she was sorry for acting so selfish and rude.

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:29pm

  669. 669: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Heather: Until Rori answers here is some stuff to help, this is from one of the websites that sells her products.

    You don’t want HIM – you want a REAL
    RELATIONSHIP.

    That sounds simple, doesn’t it?

    But most of us do exactly the OPPOSITE.

    We express, and sometimes over and over and
    over again, with words, our body language and
    things we do, that HE is what we want.

    And so he feels cornered, pressured, and his
    fears jump right up to the top of his mind, heart
    and body.

    This is a good thing sometimes.

    We WANT to separate out the men from the boys.

    We WANT to let a man know where we stand, what
    we want and what we don’t want, and some men will
    run because they don’t want what we want – when
    what we want is a REAL, COMMITTED relationship.

    And these men who run are the WRONG men.

    Sometimes.

    Sometimes we make men run because we TELL them
    what we want in ways that don’t work.

    The way that WORKS is to say:

    “I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m looking for
    someone to walk off into the sunset with and get
    married and have a family.” (Or what you envision
    for YOURSELF.) “And so I don’t want to get
    exclusive with anyone until that guy shows up.”

    And that’s it.

    You don’t ask him for anything.

    You simply REFUSE to close up your other
    options (except sexually, of course) until you’re
    SURE – that means engagement ring, wedding date,
    house in escrow – that he means to make you happy
    - forever.

    The next step is to make it your job to make
    sure you DO keep your options open, no matter how
    emotionally involved you feel yourself getting
    with any one man.

    It’s your job to make SURE that you DON’T get
    so emotionally involved with any one man until
    you’re SURE he means to make you happy forever.

    You take it step-by-step, date-by-date, and you
    BRIDGE your way to a real relationship with a
    GREAT MAN.

    Notice I said a “great man.”

    I didn’t say “this man.”

    In other words, no man should EVER feel like
    he’s your man of choice, he’s your “One” or that
    you’re only seeing him. Not until he’s committed.

    This way you will NEVER become frustrated,
    angry, resentful, or heart-broken.

    This way, you are POWERFUL.

    You can be warm, soft and loving, and at the
    same time NEVER COMMIT yourself to him until he
    COMMITS first.

    And I mean a REAL commitment, not just a “let’s
    go steady” commitment.

    “Bridging” is the way to get your mind, your
    heart, your body, and HIM on board for the
    lifelong commitment you want.

    My Commitment Blueprint program will teach you
    all about the process of Bridging – step-by-step.

    You’ll learn exactly how to make it happen -
    WITHOUT effort, without trying, without working…
    simply by following the steps.

    You’ll also discover the 7 steps to getting
    the commitment you want, and exactly how the
    commitment process works for a man.

    Make Him Commit To You Now! Click Now For Free Love Advice, Tools & Ezine

    My favorite story about how Bridging works is a
    friend’s:

    She was dating 5 and 6 men at a time until the
    evening her now-husband PROPOSED.

    That’s right.

    After she said “Yes” to him, she went home and
    canceled two dates with other men!

    This is how you do it successfully.

    This is likely the most powerful free tip you
    will EVER receive from anyone, and I look forward
    to hearing how this change in attitude – from
    wanting HIM to wanting a REAL, COMMITTED
    RELATIONSHIP changes your life.

    You’ve heard me talk about The Relationship
    Timeline and how to BRIDGE across it to the
    relationship you want.

    When you date a number of men all at once,
    having sex with none, or perhaps only one, you are
    CONTINUING ON with your life and the process of
    walking across the Bridge to what you want.

    The first thing that will happen for you is
    you’ll realize how much power you actually have in
    ANY relationship.

    You know how it feels when you just LOVE being
    with someone? How you just “click” and you could
    stay up all night talking and making love with
    him?

    Well, a man feels exactly the same way.

    If he’s excited about seeing you, the most
    withdrawal you’ll ever see from him is if he’s
    trying to “play it cool,” just as we might if we
    were afraid we were chasing after him.

    Otherwise, he’ll be WITH you.

    He’ll be walking across that Bridge WITH you.

    He’ll be calling you, texting you, following
    through.

    A lot of men do that at the BEGINNING – but
    then it all falls away.

    They’re excited for awhile, but when things get
    real, and both of you can see a bit more of who
    you both are, inside, they don’t want to trade
    their “Freedom” for a life with you.

    And in order to make it across the Bridge and
    get what you want, you have to be able to take
    yourself “through” those kinds of men.

    It’s like a marathon race.

    If you keep walking across the Bridge – even if
    men come and go, race ahead and fall back – it
    won’t matter.

    Because YOU KEEP GOING!

    You may stop for a minute to catch your breath
    or mourn one man’s fading away, but soon, you pick
    yourself up, and find pleasure in the running and
    walking, and expect to find JOY up ahead!

    You expect to COMPLETE the marathon.

    Just like you EXPECT to get to the relationship
    you want.

    You don’t let ANY man throw you off course, or
    knock you down, or even take you by the hand and
    try to lead you off the track.

    You STICK to WHAT YOU WANT.

    You STICK to being on your own side.

    You STICK to YOURSELF and STAND UP for
    YOURSELF, and EXPECT a GREAT MAN to get to the
    finish line WITH YOU.

    And he WILL.

    This is what my friend did.

    She didn’t let the men who “almost were” throw
    her off course.

    She had so much practice, she tells me, with
    men dropping out of sight after six weeks of
    whirlwind romance and dating.

    She started to “get” that it was a pattern many
    men repeat over and over again, and once she
    stopped getting all caught up in it, she was able
    to truly NOT CARE if they faded away.

    She was dating so many men, and trying so hard
    to manage her SCHEDULE – she completely lost
    interest in trying to manage the men IN her
    schedule.

    She discovered she had NO time or energy to
    think about what THEY were thinking about.

    She discovered that there was no way she could
    EVER “figure out” what was going on with a man, so
    she stopped even trying to figure him out.

    If he wasn’t up for the long term, then good
    riddance.

    No matter how much she liked him, no matter how
    much he’d talked about a future together, or how
    much he liked her, she taught herself to forget
    about him as soon as he’d said goodnight.

    If he wasn’t on the phone with her or in person
    with her, he almost didn’t EXIST for her.

    She had way too much to do – with the work she
    loved, and her friends, and so many men she was
    having dinner, lunch, coffee, movie and concert
    dates with she could barely keep their names
    straight.

    She had to WRITE DOWN these men’s pets, and
    friends, and everything they’d told her about
    themselves – or she’d FORGET!

    She took everything every one of them said with
    a grain of salt – she stopped future-thinking
    about them and KEPT HER EYES ON THE PRIZE – a REAL
    relationship with a GOOD man.

    And marriage, and children.

    And so she GOT what she wanted.

    With all that practice under her belt, and a
    genuine “blase” attitude – sort of “Whatever…” -
    men completely lost their power over her.

    She could hardly remember crying curled up on
    the floor over man after man.

    She couldn’t even imagine herself as needy and
    clingy anymore, even though she could REMEMBER how
    needy and clingy she’d been.

    She used BRIDGING, and dating men as the
    biggest part of it, to teach herself to relax
    around men.

    And you can do it, too.

    I know it feels so awful, trying to go out with
    other men when you’re “hung up” on the one you’re
    seeing.

    But, I promise you, it will pay off in all
    kinds of ways you hardly imagine.

    For one thing, Imaginary Relationships will be
    things of the past.

    Your heart will stay OPEN, and yet it will stay
    with YOU until a man demonstrates he’s ready to
    give you HIS.

    This whole process of feeling strong inside and
    yet warm, open and inviting on the outside is the
    most POWERFUL thing you can do for yourself.

    If you’d like extra help on the INSIDE part -
    on raising your self-esteem so QUICKLY that almost
    EVERYTHING on the outside can change overnight -
    you’ll want to go here:

    Make Him Commit To You Now! Click Now For Free Love Advice, Tools & Ezine

    Here’s a letter from Delilah, who’s got a great
    story:

    “Dear Rori,

    I have been getting advice from you on men for a
    while now. I have used what you have told me
    wisely and I was surprised when it worked. I got
    more attention for who I was and not who I wanted
    to be.

    One of your particular letters made me realize
    that I could be treated the way I wanted. So I
    dumped my boyfriend at the time and stopped
    chasing guys.

    Soon the sweetest guy, that I’ve known for almost
    5 years came into my life, but now not as my
    friend but as my boyfriend. He treats me with
    respect and I would never be with him if it wasn’t
    for you. Thank you for all of your advice so far,
    Delilah”

    Delilah got such a quick and surprising great
    result it made her feel strong enough stand up for
    herself. Once she started focusing on herself, her
    terrific guy stepped into her life.

    I know this can happen for you, too.

    If you’d like extra help getting the kind of
    committed, respectful relationship you want with
    a man, be sure to try my Commitment Blueprint
    program.

    I know it’ll work for you the way it’s worked
    for me and for the hundreds of women who have
    already benefited from it:

    Bring Him Close Again & Make Him Want To Stay Forever! Free Advice

    Let me know how all the stories and Tools in
    this letter help you…

    Love, Rori

    If you’ve already downloaded my eBook, work through it. If you’d like to get it now, follow (or copy and paste) this link:

    The eBook is the foundation for all my work,
    including these eLetters, so getting the basics
    will help you use everything else you get from me.

    I’d love to know how you’re doing, and look
    forward to hearing from you.

    Love, Rori

    Saturday, 14 May 2011 @ 10:56pm

  670. 670: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nanceen,

    I love Joyce Meyer!!. We absolutley have a weapon in our mouth that can be used for good or destructive.

    It is a balance.. in counseling I’m forced to feel my feelings and then they pass and I get unstuck and Rori likes us to feel everything, so I just try and and be authentic. Which is a lot different then being negative and complaining. You gotta get out the pms or stored up feelngs sometime.

    Yet, I also I am also a big believer and speaking out good things in my life.

    Funny Example: If I ever have a cold or am sick.. I never go on talking about to people.. my friend has had a cold for weeks but, evertime she picks up the phone she keeps going on and on about it. And I’m like no wonder chica.. you keep reinforcing it.

    Have you every seen Dr. Emoto Rice experiment on you tube? It’s Amazing! It’s about the power of words and the energy effects on even a water molecule.

    The rice experiment is even cooler.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTz-cYk9Wu4

    Check it out. Dr. Emoto

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAvzsjcBtx8&feature=related

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:05am

  671. 671: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    I LUV LUV this song from Colbie Caillat – I DO.

    Feels Cheery! Happy and so upbeat! Puts a smile on my face and make want to sing. Luv the lyrics

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0oyglKjbFQ

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:08am

  672. 672: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Colbie Caillat – Bubbly

    Great sweet song too…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWGqoCNbsvM&feature=relmfu

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:30am

  673. 673: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    @ Dorothea – I had no idea about that! Awesome!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:35am

  674. 674: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, ladies. Hello, Sirens and Sailors – Lurker is still here. Where’s Rusty? Did we scare him away?

    Anyway…This week, I experienced my first-ever, certifiably “sketchy” massage client. And by sketchy, I mean that he asked for “more than massage.” Literally. That is actually what he said. It was quite surprising, but I had a bad feeling about this guy. So I stepped back. (as in, I actually physically stepped back from him when he said that). I left the room, and notified the front desk, and then I asked him to leave. It all went down without a hitch and nobody got hurt. Except – well – my pristine experience of no one making special “requests” on my massage table. Whew.

    Most people are too nervous about massage to stay stuff like that. I’d say, on the whole, 98% percent of people are trying hard to come off as *not* sketchy, because, well, they are practically naked and alone in a room with you. And yet, you hear these stories. I always wondered if that would ever happen to me. But I have to say I kind of surprised myself. I didn’t know if I would have it in me to respond the way I did. I imagined I would, but had no way to know what it would be like. I didn’t even have to think. I just did what felt right to me in that moment. In a way, it was empowering. It felt strong, and like it gave me more of a sense of self worth than not.

    So, what comes out of all this? Well, I discovered something – I have boundaries! I have boundaries, and I can be strong in defending them without getting upset. Well, okay, I was a little shaken. But I kept my cool. I just tend to think that I have no boundaries or bad boundaries, and yet – there they were! Why is it harder for me in relationships? I don’t know. It really made me think – if I won’t put up with an inappropriate request at work, why should I with someone who wants to date me? how and why would that be okay?

    So, ok. If I can do this in one situation, then I can do it in another. And I feel better. :)

    Go me!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:49am

  675. 675: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz..

    Sounds like you got an awesome lesson in setting boundries! Good for you..

    I’m sure you feel more empowered. :”)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:52am

  676. 676: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling good.

    Today I had my first goddess teleseminar and it felt amazing.

    I feel happy w myself, even w the way I set it up so that people didn’t know ahead of time…

    In a way, I felt less pressure. And I feel good.

    I will be doing it again.

    I put together a document w pictures and video links.

    It’s AMAZING.

    It’s mind lovingly magical.

    And I’m not dOne. I consistently worked on it… It’s art.

    I feel so calm and developed.

    I am doing just what I’m supposed to be.

    If there is such a thing.

    My mom heard me giving the seminar and said I sounded great and confident.

    I felt great and confident.

    This information and the document.

    This is life changing stuff female beauty power nurture.

    I am blessed.

    Thank you.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:29am

  677. 677: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel peace.

    Thank you Daria for presenting my seminar.

    Thank you for creating my document.

    Thank you for getting in bed when tired.

    Thank you for drinking water.

    Thank you for feeding me.

    Thank you for brushing my hair.

    Thank you for washing me last night.

    Thank you for giving me hydrangea tincture.

    Thank you for giving me lysene.

    Thank you for resting me.

    Thank you for honoring my blood.

    Thank you for doing EFT for me.

    Thank you for honoring my intuition.

    Thank you for honoring my boundaries.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:35am

  678. 678: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    My relationship w my sister is good and close. I’m seeing where I feel challenged and noticing it’s the places I desire to grow – and decided Rori style, to be excited for noticing – babystep to transforming.

    My father is getting me a laptop as a gift.

    The OG men in town are setting up a place for ne to live.

    My mom gifted me a red coral bracelet like the homage i made to my menstrual blood on my blog.

    I create such good energy, I’m on the threshold of feeling safe and happy in the ghetto.

    Men have no power over me.

    I’m threshold of womanifesting desired circumstances in situations.

    I am sharing my gifts.

    I am blessed blessed blessed.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:41am

  679. 679: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love dogs and men cats and women turtles snakes and birds and bugs and tomatoes . Rocks clouds and smushy stuff.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:43am

  680. 680: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    T Girl @620

    His constant calling etc after just a month of knowing each other feels bad to me..it feels ungracious, it feels NEEDY , it feels like the cold breeze of a BIG RED FLAG waving…

    I feel delighted that you have let it go. I feel interested that you ended it rather than continuing to CD this man with others.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:38am

  681. 681: KSNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad today. Very, very, hella, f’in sad.

    :(

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:01am

  682. 682: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    When I fear Him, I am fearless. When I am His captive, I am free.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 5:56am

  683. 683: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    RE: #667 – Thank you! I feel so inspired listening to Joyce Meyer! She is so funny, so practical, and so true!

    Someone gave me a whole box full of Joyce Meyer CDs and books! What a blessing!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 5:58am

  684. 684: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Sirens,

    Good evening to you’ll…..

    Plz help me here… I just sent this feeling message to a guy am dating, regarding me not feeling very appreciated…

    “It feels scary to share this, I wanted to get little appreciation from you, for my thought, and make you smile too. As laughable and silly as it may sound to you, being appreciated for who I’m, what I do, & how I look is one of my most basic needs. It’s not like I don’t know am good, but when I’m not noticed by you, I feel ignored. I feel being taken for granted.
    I didn’t knew you were so tensed about your sis. Sorry about that.
    That’s great that she’s recovering, hope she gets well soon. :)”

    His sister is actually ill now, and am afraid I messed it all up coz I guess he is more concerned about his sis now, and 2nd, due to fb network prob, I sent this to him twice….. Aarrrrrgghhhhhh…. Plz help me……

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:32am

  685. 685: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so so so damn stupid…. he might think I’ve gone crazy…. so a while before i had messaged him something really erotic, and he replied back, “r u fine? wat happened 2 u? u gone so wild…. my sis aint well, so am not coming too much online.” then i replied back, “i am sorry, i just wanted to bring a smile on your face..” he replied, “no need to be sorry, its ok, i can feel it too..”

    and then, the great idiot meeee, grabbing the opportunity, sent him the above feeling message….
    shit…..

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:37am

  686. 686: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    did i mess up? anyone there?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:44am

  687. 687: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @679 Serena,

    Thank you for those words – I need to keep them in the back of my mind because I’m sure he will call again. All I see right now is a sweet, sensitive, hurt man but needy too.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:19am

  688. 688: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita, the message did have a blaming tone to it but since it has already been sent just lean back now. No contact. I know it will be hard because you are wondering if you messed up and want reassurance from him but I’m sure in time it can be forgotten if you lean back now.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:22am

  689. 689: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    like rori said, i think i have created a problem when actually there was none. but i did just address my need, is that wrong? i don’t like going unnoticed, i would like him to give me a compliment every now and then…. just the way he gives it to all other girls on his list…. esp. the one bitch who uploads pics every week and adds 100 frnds everyday….. i hate her….

    my mom said that i have messed up, but i didnt mention anyone else here… i just talked about my need… is that wrong?? is the timing wrong? or the message wrong??

    what if he stops responding?? what if he breaks it off? we are back after 6 months of staying apart, and now i don’t wanna lose him….

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:24am

  690. 690: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita, it sounds like you have competition from other women? Then you need to stand out from those women. I think what Rori teaches us that the way we stand out is by leaning back. Seems counter intuitive but it works.

    What do you mean by the other women on his list? That statement to me feels bad and I am wondering if he is a player?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:30am

  691. 691: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    I had a really great date last night with the host from the poker party and it made me realize somethig about myself and apparently a pattern that I have but didn’t realize.

    I think I was attracting men who weren’t ready for a relationship before – not necessarily toxic, just not ready.

    The man I went on a date with last night is so unlike the other men I have dated. He gave me a balloon that said “Congratulations on your last first date” (I thought it was cute), opened the car door for me, took me to a fancy restaurant, pulled out my chair for me, complimented me, just a real gentleman. He was so nervous and it showed. He also mentioned to me that he has been finding women to be very forward but he is the kind of man that wants to wait to have sex until he is in a committed relationship. That right there was a first for me!!

    I guess my pattern was that I was beginning to get a little scared thinking this man is a nice, good guy, relationship man…not tons of chemistry but there was some there. I recognized my fear and was thinking about an e-mail Rori sent not too long ago about not discounting the good guys. I feel happy to recognize a pattern I am trying to break and to explore this more to see what happens!

    Oh, and this was the first date I had with someone that I DIDN”T meet on-line. Hmmm….

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:40am

  692. 692: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Ooooohhhhh kay then, I saw the guy last night for the first time in probably weeks, and it felt very uncomfortable. Sometimes I would feel incredibly comfortable but he’s always pushing it. As soon as I feel comfortable doing one thing with him, he tries to escalate it to something else. I want to just be in the moment. He’s always pushing for the next thing. The next level of physical closeness, the next level of hearing me declare some sort of ever lasting love to him, the next big discussion. I just want to be. I feel so drained.

    BUT the icing on the cake was getting dropped off at 3am and not having him walk me to my door. I said I feel uncomfortable when men don’t see me to the door safely when they drop me off in the middle of the night. He said he didn’t think I wanted him to. That’s weird…we’ve been dating for months and he does know better,e specially with me feeling so unsafe after being attacked in this neighborhood (when he refused to come to my side lol).

    I don’t want my safety to come second to anything. not even your own weird self doubt and fear of rejection. walk me to the damn door like a gentleman.

    no more non-gentlemen. so not interested in this when there is much better out there. they might not be as smart or cool or funny or interesting, but they’ll make sure i feel safe and am safe. not just talk about doing it all the time but never ever ever taking advantage of the opportunity when it arises.

    then he called me when he got home and i was sleeping. he didn’t call to apologize or say something about it, but to tell me i left something in his car and he would arrange to drop it off the next day.

    missed opportunities is this guy’s middle name.

    boooo. i feel disappointed to the max.

    but feeling happy i didn’t let it turn into some sort of dramatic fight. i still have my dignity and sanity.

    only gentleman from now on.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:02am

  693. 693: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #685 “did i mess up?” Imho, yes, a bit, Ankita. But wait for his repsonse now. Texting more, without knowing his reaction, may make it worse. Also, he clearly stated he doesn’t have an open mind now, because he worries about his sis. Respect that.

    #688 “but i did just address my need, is that wrong?” Not necessarily, but the way and timing leaves something to be desired. You talked about your feelings first, and his sis second. That’s a bit unfortunate, sending only the part aboput his sis would have been much better.

    Also, he clearly stated that it’s a bad time for texting now (you wouldn’t want him to push for a convo if you had urgent problems on your mind, too, right?). If I was him, I’d react on your reply with thinking “Huh? Does she even listen to me?”. It’s not that big a deal, and maybe a good lesson that feeling messages work best when the other side is emotionally available for a convo.

    Don’t panic now, Ankita, we guys are generally not that sensitive, and such communication mistakes can be repaired. Wait for his response now, and then take more care with your reply. If he mentions your text about the lack of appreciation, you may want to answer with an apology for the bad timing, and saying you don’t need to talk about this now, but it’s sopmething that#s bothering you and you’d like to hear his opinion when he has the time. Something like that.

    In the meantime, how about rereading what Ropri wrote about FMs, and maybe phrase some of them, based on your emotions, just for training?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:15am

  694. 694: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #691 I’m sad to hear that you didn’t have such a great date, Dorothea. Did you try to make him notice you don’t like pushing, and prefer a more laid back attitude? One should think that he guy should already have figured that out, after all those texts, but some men are a bit slow on the uptake…

    Also, this: “I said I feel uncomfortable when men don’t see me to the door safely when they drop me off in the middle of the night. He said he didn’t think I wanted him to.”
    For heaven’s sake, that guy has serious issues. His girl date says she likes him to bring her to the door, and he refuses? Sry, I don’t understand him. Have no idea what’s going on in his mind.
    8-(

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:22am

  695. 695: KSNo Gravatar says:

    Dorothea,
    I could be WAYYYYY off here but his refusal to walk you to the door, ESPECIALLY after your attack (I was reading here when that happened and remember you discussing this) seems like passive-aggressive bull$hit to me! Like he was angry you werent responding to him the way he wanted you to through the night so he was “punishing” you.??????
    Just what I got from it.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:27am

  696. 696: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #690 “He was so nervous and it showed.” Hehe, just like me when I date a girl I really have a crush on! Applying too much pressure on myself by trying to make the date perfect (usually, this only results in some ridiculous screwups, like spilling the win or something). Pls give that guy a chance, T-Girl! Once he notices you don’t expect perfectionism, he’ll lighten up.
    :-)
    “He also mentioned to me that he has been finding women to be very forward but he is the kind of man that wants to wait to have sex until he is in a committed relationship.”
    Now that sounds a bit strange to me. Is he very religious, or afraid of the sexual challenge? Ok, the first sex with a girl can be clumsy and irritating, it takes a bit of time to get to know each other better. But that’s nothing to be afraid of, imho. Hmm.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:31am

  697. 697: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #694 “Like he was angry you werent responding to him the way he wanted you to through the night so he was “punishing” you.??????”
    Hmm, ok, KS, this may explain his statement about thinking that she doesn’t want him to do that… After meeting resistance to his pushing forward, he may have wanted to retaliate in some kind. Maybe that’s evidence of a character that is both controlling and insecure. However, that kind of thinking is alien to me, so that’s only a wild guess. There may be some other explanation, I dunno.
    :-/

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:38am

  698. 698: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Serena – thank you for replying to me. So glad it’s getting better for you!

    Alicia – great song! thanks for the post.

    Daria – Congratulations on your teleseminar! Btw – was looking at your website again. You are a true artist. I love the picture of the red orchid – very feminine :) Would be so great to have a book of your paintings with short stories or poetry to accompany. What do you think?

    TMizz – Good for you! Feels great reading this re. boundaries.

    Jacqueline – Hi dear! Hope you are having a lovely siren-y weekend. ((Hugs))

    xoxo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 10:36am

  699. 699: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    I’m noticing the message and what I need to practice with all these men around me is opening my heart and receiving.

    They all want to give to me, extravagantly. What happens is that I feel the scary, uncomfortable feelings and then go straight to being closed off and distrustful of men – like they want to take advantage of me, or this isn’t going to go well, or I’m going to lose out in some way.

    Then I close off, shut down, grab/ push back and go into my masculine energy and try to run/ control things – him and the situation.

    *sigh*

    What I’m noticing now is that they want to give to me and my only part is to open my heart, lean back and receive.

    Even though this is somewhat mixed into my artistic expression, I can see that practicing this gives me the idea/ practice of how to open up in ‘relationship’ things.

    I’m noticing where/ when I tend to shut down… grab tightly/ push him away….

    I can change this.

    I can be the open Siren that I want to be from now onwards.

    :)

    xoxo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:09am

  700. 700: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, how do I feel.

    Nervous!

    Tight in tummy and just above tummy.

    Thinky!

    Tense.

    What tools?

    Feel feeling, don’t fight it. I feel nervous and uptight it pit of stomach.

    Drop to floor?

    Yes could feel good.

    Vagina breathing… yes… thoughts into a lead ball into pelvis.

    Yes.

    Have shower, do tools

    Maybe re-paint nails to make pretty.

    Worried about boundary again.

    I don’t want to be girl who is available for cuddles and therefore no need to take her on a date!

    My NV. He has already asked for a date remember!

    Still… !!!!

    Feel cross that he is still seeing others… grrr.

    Trust boundaries.

    Follow feelings.

    Feel mistrustful.

    Trust me Ella, I will look after you! I promise I will.

    Yes, I have practiced this one already!

    Wohooo, I feel practiced. :-)

    Statement is ‘I feel a lil weird about cuddling in bed before any official dates.’ with open, vulnerable look on face (cus that is what I am feeling).

    And then follow up action is take self up to own bed.

    For now.

    That feels scary… and good, like strong. And scary again… lol. I love my feelings.

    Slooooww down, no rushy, just mushy!

    Like taking care of self (Ella).

    Cus I love Ella.

    Yes I do – HEAPS!!!

    Still can’t get rid of this feeling like I am trying to ‘get’ something, like I am trying to make an outcome… URGHHH Feels icky!I Don’t wANT that!

    Ok then just be in moment… thats it.

    Love my wanty feeling… its ok, it wants the same as us… and we have everything we need.

    I am a fountain of love.

    Just feel Ella, be here…

    Big sigh, into wet tongue.

    Ow lil less tighty in stomach!

    Express, feel, relax , floppy.

    And still ok to express and have boundary.

    Yes, that feels better!

    I am the prize.

    I am solid gold.

    I am the air you need to breath!

    My eyes are magnetic pools.

    I am mystery and intrigue.

    I am lovely.

    I am all that!

    :-)

    Warm fuzzy feeling in lower tummy, pelvis and vagina!

    Ummm. :-)

    Lovely and goey and melty.

    Warm, excited, shimmery.

    Flowy.

    Yes Ella – love you.

    xoxoxoxo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:18am

  701. 701: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Queenbee – :). The red orchid is by a different Daria. It is an inspiration.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:20am

  702. 702: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:20am

  703. 703: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #700 Ella, I don’t know that much about the tools, but to me it looks like you’re using them to your advantage!

    Just a reminder: You’re not exclusive with your housemate yet. So,the right ( a la Rori) reaction would be to CD, too. And that would also prevent you fosuccing too much on a single guy. So, why not give other guys the chance to smell the yummy pie, too?
    :-)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:35am

  704. 704: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Uh, “fosuccing”??? Damn, I’m really creative with words today!
    :D
    Sorry, will be focussing more on spelling now…

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:36am

  705. 705: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    LA LA LA LA

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:44am

  706. 706: DENo Gravatar says:

    The Lurker #704:

    I heard that in the US u get earn a PhD for making up a new word …only in America so they say …lol

    Warm hugs,

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:51am

  707. 707: DENo Gravatar says:

    ups…look at me…lol arghh…

    meant “u can earn”…lol

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:53am

  708. 708: nanceenNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker: I want to address our comment:

    “He also mentioned to me that he has been finding women to be very forward but he is the kind of man that wants to wait to have sex until he is in a committed relationship.”
    Now that sounds a bit strange to me. Is he very religious, or afraid of the sexual challenge? ”

    Religous? What does that have to do with anything? Did it ever occur to you some guy may have his head on straight and realize sex is not a sport and doesnt want to just use someone? Also as soon as you used the phrase sexual challenge, that waved a red flag to me. That is objectifying women. My husband and I waited to have sex till my wedding night. We were not kids or virgins either. Made him crazy, but too bad, I was the prize. Sex precludes intimacy.

    I also am not comfortable with you on this blog. I think your answers are off, you are self serving and I came here to feel safe and reveal myself and I do not want to do it in front of you. I am going to write to Rori and ask that you be blocked. However, she seems to be fine with you here so that probably will not happen.

    Dont bother responding to me. I am not returning so I dont have to see an answer from. That is how disturbing I see your answers. They are under the guise of help but I don’t see that. I am in touch with several of the other girls here privately so I can continue to do the Rori thing.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:00pm

  709. 709: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ella I love your ruff. I love when you say floppy. And ‘i love ella’. It is adorable. My guess guys are funding it adorable too.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:08pm

  710. 710: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I java a bump on my lip. I feel comfortable about it.

    I did EFT on belief changes that farts bootyholes, burping, snorts and even pop stains are disgusting. And the belief that if I don’t think they are horrible, I will accidentally have more of such incidents. Which is not true and I relaxed about it.

    Though I still feel kinda scared and tense writing about it.

    That migh be why I feel pretty comfortable about having a bump on my lip. I’m thinking I will just out and out tell people it’s herpes.

    I feel glad my body seems much stronger… It didn’t even cone up w this herpes for hella long and it’s small. I feel proud of my immune system.

    Thank you Daria for taking Lysene.

    Thank you for making me lemon water.

    Thank you for washing me and changing my night shirt.

    Thank you for warming up my room.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:15pm

  711. 711: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – If you can find some st. john’s wort oil to apply topically as well, please do so. it will help heal this faster and help with future eruptions.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:22pm

  712. 712: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    st. john’s wort tincture internally in addition to the lysine is a fabulous anti-viral.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:24pm

  713. 713: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love the way I live.

    I make happy in every moment.

    I touch love. I am comfort.

    I am non judgement.

    I am happy w church meals, recovering crack addicts as friends, I can make food out of dandelions, lemon trees and pecans.

    I can travel on a bike w my travel clothes in my backpack.

    I can look like a diva under the travel gear.

    I am a powerful woman. I can recover after the hurricane.

    I can be healthy.

    I can be naturally clean.

    I am a true human woman. I am divine.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:26pm

  714. 714: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling a little off balance.

    I went to a party last night. I had fun but now I feel a little distracted from my path.

    No biggie. It’s easy to get back on track.

    I stayed up late and slept in and now my rythyms feel off.

    The party was so fun though. It was a costume party and everyone looked so amazing. And the party was just the right size for me. Not too big.

    We played and that felt amazing as usual.

    And I so love and appreciate my community here. I love my group of friends. I am meeting more and more people that I resonate with everyday.

    I feel so joyful around them and lighthearted. I see these people dancing and celebrating life and I feel an immense feeling of gratitude to part of a group like this.

    I feel in awe of my life.

    I feel inspired to take care of myself so my body can keep up with all the amazing opportunities that surround me.

    I felt so good with LI there too. I love how present he is with me.

    I felt insecure and jealous for a moment when this woman from his yoga class smiled at him. I expressed this and felt immediate relief when he reassured me that I am THE only woman in his eyes.

    I feel so honored to be loved so deeply by such an amazing man.

    I feel humbled that I can trust this man.

    I felt my mind wanting to spin stories about her but I didn’t go there.

    Honestly, I felt jealous of her because I was talking with one of my guy friends and she came up and we met and then when she left, he said “omg, she is soooo hot”. And then right after, I was talking with LI and she smiled at him and because I had just heard my friend say how hot she was, I felt a fire of jealousing burning within.

    But wow, what a relief to know that I don’t have to go there. I don’t have to create this in my life. Been there, done that.

    And I saw myself wanting to be mad at him and pull away because I felt jealous when he didn’t do anything. A woman smiled at him and here I am feeling fire within.

    But I didn’t feed it and I stayed open to him and he was so sweet to me for the rest of the night and kissing on me and making it very clear that I was his lady.

    I feel so much love for this man.

    Thank you Rori for turning my love life around!!!!!

    And even in the thick of my triggering, I managed to draw in men. At one point, when I was feeling insecure about the girl, I decided to turn on my siren vibe.

    Immediately, this guy that I have seen around town and felt attracted to came up and started talking with me.

    I felt relieved knowing that I could turn my vibe around so quickly.

    I can do that this morning too. Even though I feel a little off balance because I slept in late and it’s snowing!!! which is kinda throwing me off, I can still get up and take care of myself.

    Make some breakfast, shower, nurture myself.

    And I have so much fun stuff next week. I can start preparing for that.

    And we are getting a new puppy!!!!

    I feel so excited!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:28pm

  715. 715: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque I might still have some. So many plant oils and teas available cheap at Romanian pharmacies, and I got some at jeans oil – ‘sunatoare’ which means : sound maker, or doorbell : – it’s good sun screen and builds skins ability to protect too, says Susun Weed.

    I had this Amazing healing paste from it that they don’t make no more. Super rich brown goo, healed a bite under my eye .

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:30pm

  716. 716: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh wow! I found a huge jar of comfrey ointment I had forgotten about!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:35pm

  717. 717: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    * st joans oil * st johns wort * sunatoare *

    Same plant

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:37pm

  718. 718: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ooh I want some tincture :)

    Body I love you. Thank you for filling me w these amazing feelings of wellbeing :)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:38pm

  719. 719: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – what do you think about castor oil on it?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:39pm

  720. 720: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    Damn, I really should read a comment first, including the last paragraph, before spending more than 15 minutes on an answer. My fault.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:41pm

  721. 721: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok comfrey : tătăneasă

    Not familiar w it out there…

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:42pm

  722. 722: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl & The Lurker

    He replied me with an, “c is so weak nw,so hv 2 care her a lot nw…i m doin my bst & i nevr ignord u…sorry”

    I replied, “I’m sorry too… I shouldn’t have said that… I know you always did your best… I apologize…. But what has happened to your sis? Fever or what?”

    Then he told me what was the reason for her breakdown, and after 5 mins he sed catch u later, gud nyt….

    How does this sound??

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:44pm

  723. 723: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I use it often here, preprepared.

    I want to get used to spotting it growing outside.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:44pm

  724. 724: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    castor oil is benign. it won’t hurt but won’t likely help either.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:45pm

  725. 725: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I am feeling so thankful thankful thankful for the town I live in and the friends I have here.

    I feel appreciative of all the alternative options we have here. This town has the highest per capita number of organic farms in the states. There are so many healers, and musicians, and dancers, and artists. I love the creative vibe of this place.

    I feel so so blessed. How did I get so lucky?

    I love my life and what I have in it now and all the future things I have lined up.

    I love that I knowing that I have about a year until I get pregnant. I feel so excited to have a child. And I love that I am preparing for it now.

    I love how in tune I am with my feminine cycle. I love knowing when I ovulate. I love love love my healthy eggs. I love the idea of continuing life on this amazing planet.

    I love that the children coming into the world today are sooooooo conscious. I feel so much belief and trust in them.

    I feel soooooo grateful for my reality.

    I love mother earth sooo much. I feel so grateful for the stability of nature. I love that the sun continues to rise every day.

    I love love love this amazing world we live in!!!

    Thank you thank you thank you universe for this amazing life!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:48pm

  726. 726: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    T-Girl

    He isnt a player, but he wishes to be in the good books of everyone…… Even when I was his just frnd, he used to compliment me a lot, which decreased as we became a couple, as if my value degraded….

    the only proper compliment I had got him as a couple owas arpund 9 months ago, when he said “When I saw your pics, I thought that you must be average looking girl, but you turned out to be million times more bful than my imagination, you exceeded my expectation…. You are gorgeous, one of the most bful women I’ve evr seen..”

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:50pm

  727. 727: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    comfrey is soothing and healing, but I’m wanting for you a powerful anti-viral, and st. joan’s wort is the best.

    it’s been used to treat HIV even.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:50pm

  728. 728: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh yeah I’m not using comfrey on it. Comfrey might heal right over the sore before the inside is healed.

    I put some st joans oil on :)

    Wow… St joans sounds really powerful. I have it dried from mountainroseherbs . Might get sone tincture to have handy.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:55pm

  729. 729: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #722 Ankita, to me that sounds ok!
    :-)
    No lasting damage done, sounds like he’s a nice guy who cares for people in need, but who’s also into you and listens to your FMs. He wrote he’s sorry that you felt ignored, and he took the time to explain the situation to you. That’s good.

    Imho you can relax now, and wait for him to contact you again. From what you told us, I’m sure he will. We guys don’t give up on a nice girl so easily. We aren’t perfect, either, after all. So, really, no worries.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:56pm

  730. 730: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont know what I should do with this guy. we had broken up 6 months back due to his family issues, when he suddenly disappeared, then around 2 month back, i got a social networking email from him on which we did fight a lot, before finally giving in to our desire of getting back together….
    in these 6 months, i thought about him each day and he said the same thing to me, too…..
    but he did a psycho thing i guess, when i was going through his fb profile (am not in his list, fb had created a lot of problems between us, so we mutually agreed on not adding each other), i saw one guy which made me realize that PROBABLY after our break-up, he did a kinda cheaters thing on me with his that friend, just without the camera….. coz that guy(his friend) was his classmate and he had given me a different name and identity of himself when he had met me, and he had got my number all of a sudden….

    though am not sure that he was involved in this, but the way he wrote me back in email that he had kept a tab on me and knew a lot more things about me than i know that he knows, and that he isnt willing to elaborate it much else i might ask him how i know all that, and he doesnt wishes to tell me HOW….

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 12:59pm

  731. 731: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – ok. It was not just that. I still love your earth day posters. Was looking at them again earlier as well. What I love is how far your mind can stretch to so many different shapes, colours and on and on. Love it!

    I’m painting tomorrow. I ended up shifting things around this weekend due to my performance.

    But all is well… I’m looking forward to getting it done and moving on to the next painting :)

    xoxo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:06pm

  732. 732: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Haha!

    “but he’s a douche bag”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJNguQUD9NY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:08pm

  733. 733: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    The Lurker,

    plz see my last post… Am not sure if he was involved in his frnd’s thing, but if he was, that’s a lot hurtful, coz where one way I was trying to move on, the other way, he was hiring spies after me…!!??
    He didn’t let me go, even after he had decided to break up quietly…. I didnt confront him with his frnd’s thing, coz am afraid that if he doesnt knows about that, the problem may get worse, esp. when one evening his frnd had seduced me, but the next day I recovered and told him all about my ex and how am not over him yet…. I didn’t had the slightest idea that this guy is my guy’s frnd…… I was shocked to find out…… But why in the world would someone change their name and profession to contact me? Something fishy! I dont know why but when I met that guy, my heart felt something wrong, I dont know why but I had an innate idea that this guy definitely has soemthing to do with my ex…. though i never had a logic behing this….

    and when my guy said that he had known a lot more about me in these 6 months than i might think, the bells did go off in my head……

    and the same guy had commented to my guy in fb, ” i know you are the dancing a lot on beats of ankita.. ;)”

    it felt embarrasing to see that in front of so many peoples… i had no idea people think i make him dance to my tunes… lol

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:09pm

  734. 734: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    “what to do when others are judging you”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRkWFjMj-bw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:11pm

  735. 735: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    “are your suggestions resented?”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvOkGWJVnLo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:14pm

  736. 736: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I make it as well if you want some homegrown and cultivated, tincture and oil. It might be cheaper. Mountain Rose’s shipping is way high.

    xxoo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:15pm

  737. 737: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker: Can you give me a guy’s perspective about my situation about the yoga girl smiling at LI?

    As a man, have you had a situation like that happened where you are with a woman who you deeply love and another attractive woman smiles at you and you know it triggers your lady?

    What do you think is the best way for a woman to respond to that?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:17pm

  738. 738: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker cont….

    I told him I felt insecure but I wasn’t blameful towards him. I was honest that it did trigger me.

    As a man, what do you think about me expressing my insecurity to him?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:23pm

  739. 739: QueenbeeNo Gravatar says:

    Feeling lazy….

    So I’ve decided not to delete him from my skype. :)

    So what if my body goes into over-vibration mode – I can just do tools.

    It’s not about me ‘looking’ into his life and feeling ‘all sorts of’… that’s inauthentic.

    I have deleted a couple guys in the past and that’s when one of them felt like clutter, which was really true. And the other … well it didn’t feel good.

    What I’m noticing is that the deletion was taking care of ME and creating space in my life… and this was after many years (like 4 or more).

    One was unavailable and the other started being abusive and I won’t tolerate it.

    So, I’m noticing that it wasn’t about trying to control/ avoid feeling triggered and coming up with a knee-jerk reaction to solve it.

    … and blame and control – like ‘you’re not doing x so I’m feeling y, therefore DELETE!’ :)

    I’m noticing now that him popping up is really quite harmless, unless I want to make it something that feels harmful to me, which it doesn’t necessarily.

    So what – so he comes on, my body goes into over-vibration, I do tools and I feel better.

    So nothing :) I’m fine and I keep going with my life – staying on my bridge.

    Shut up NVs!

    Feeling better now.

    xoxo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:35pm

  740. 740: BoomerNo Gravatar says:

    Have read all the posts–no wise words for anyone. I am feeling sluggish and warm and lazy. May comment later if I feel I have something to offer. I don’t like to advise someone on their stuff when I am not sure about my own stuff :)

    I said Friday with BigBandLeader was nice. No pressure, a little weird pause here and there over snacks and a drik, but that’s on him. I was a mini rockstar. I have almost (almost) no anxiety over him anymore. He looked old to me–and not as attractive as I once thought. He has been ill off and on since I’ve known him, and I found myself feeling sympathy for him. That was interesting to feel. It put me in my power, which makes me feel uncomfortable. Do I want HIM to always be strong and manly? Would I be able to be there for a mate in later life who might get ill? He’s much older than I, so it does beg the question about how much older of a man I want to invest myself in if I have a tendency to be turned off by someone else’s physical weakness?? Hmmm. Interesting stuff to ponder.

    Had an extended date with IndyGuy Saturday: aquarium (was supposed to be the zoo, but it rained all day), a beautiful and romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant at the top of the city with a view across the city (amazing wine, luscious food, great conversation about things I am passionate about–food and wine!), and then dancing to my favorite ’80s cover band with him and my friends. I let him stay the night so he would not have to drive several hours in the wee hours of the night. There was snuggling and sleep. We agreed we were in no way ready for anything else. It felt good, but also scary. I felt respected and appreciated. So different than my usual.

    I feel much more trepidation that I realized about several things:

    –Letting a good man into my heart. I fluctuated between close/intimate and aloof with him all day. He did not notice, but I did.
    –Sharing my space, including my bed, with a man.
    –Having sex with a good man (I might actually fall for him and then be called on myself to step up to the relationship!)
    –It’s almost easier to just mess around with random men, and then when it goes bad, I can blame them.

    I love parts of my solitude. Sometimes I wonder if I truly am ready to share my life/space/heart or if I actually prefer “being alone.”

    My kids come home soon. I got a lot of sleep today. I feel ready to face my week.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:52pm

  741. 741: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Boomer. The things you have trepidation about are the exact same things I do. So we need to realize and come to terms with that sometimes there is a great man right in front of us…we need to break the pattern.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:56pm

  742. 742: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    @ Lurker, regarding my date with the no sex until committed realtionship comment.

    No, he isn’t overly religious (we talked about that). I actually feel quite refreshed about his comment. Most other guys I have met seem to want to go there very fast. It shows me that he is a guy that has respect. I like it.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 1:58pm

  743. 743: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #737 Goddess, of course I had such situations. And vice versa, too. And it’s problematic, because I’m a jealous guy, not in an extreme way, but at some point flirting starts to bother me. Which is a bit hypocritical, since I myself love to flirt, too. So, sorry, but this is a bot of a sore point to me, and I don’t think I can offer really qualified advice.

    I can only say, smiling is harmless. And when it comes to talking, well, use your intuition, and when you think it’s too much, adress the issue in a humorous way without blaming. A sensitive partner should notice that you feel hurt and should react accordingly. But I’m aware that in real life it doesn’t always work so well…
    :-/
    Hmm, doesn’t Rori have a tool for this? Like, embracing the nasty jealous voice? Did you already read this, LG:
    http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/jealousy/
    ?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:21pm

  744. 744: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker: thanks!

    I guess my main question is ( and I know this is a complete generalization)…

    From a man’s perspective do you think it’s wise to express my inner insecurities to him or does doing that somehow make me appear less attractive?

    Of course blaming him and making him wrong isn’t an option. I don’t want to do that and he didn’t do anything wrong.

    But expressing that I feel obscure and jealous…does that lower my value in his eyes.

    Like I said, I know this is a generalization but I would like to hear your perspective.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:33pm

  745. 745: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Love the article from Rori too. I hadn’t read that one before. Thanks!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:37pm

  746. 746: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    “A sensitive partner should notice that you feel hurt and should react accordingly.”

    He’s always been great about doing this.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:39pm

  747. 747: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker,

    I like ‘fusoccing’ better!

    Lol. xoxoxo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 2:47pm

  748. 748: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    :). Thank you queenbee. I feel honored that you like my art.

    I have nvs and feel vulnerable about it… As well as a pride and strength in it as an expression of me. :)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:05pm

  749. 749: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    I feel smiley right now.

    I feel so excited about my general state of mind.

    I still feel down sometimes yet I am finding that I rebound more and more quickly.

    I have so many tools available to me. I feel empowered knowing that.

    Sometimes I feel scared I will forget and backtrack.

    I’d like to feel more confident about that. It’s been my observation that life just keeps getting better and better.

    I feel solid in my inner wisdom.

    I feel solid in my ability to be present with myself.

    I notice a part of me feeling doubtful, scared, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I’m noticing this pattern of feeling anxious.

    I love having this awareness of my patterns.

    I love that I am beginning to feel more and more confident and trusting of myself.

    I love riffing and journalling. I love this blog. I love the wisdom of the sirens and sailors here.

    I love feeling good. I love the fluidity of my beliefs.

    Fluid like water, flowing, cleansing, life giving.

    I love that we live in a see of energy constantly fluid and changing.

    I love my ability to adapt. I love love love life at this moment! I love how easy it is to change my vibe. I love the way I entertain myself by searching for thoughts that I resonate with.

    What a fun way to play. I love that I can lift myself up when I am feeling out of balance.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:13pm

  750. 750: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #742 Well, T-Girl, maybe I misinterpreted that remark about ‘no sex before relationship’. I thought of marriage, and maybe that’s not what he meant. Apart from this, if you’re both ok with it, that’s your business and nobody else’s. Actually, it’s a plus if you both agree on such major points, right?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:21pm

  751. 751: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque the st joans wart oil is working. :)

    Thank you!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:23pm

  752. 752: The LurkerNo Gravatar says:

    #744 “From a man’s perspective do you think it’s wise to express my inner insecurities to him or does doing that somehow make me appear less attractive?”

    Oh, my, Goddess…
    As is said, men come in all colors and flavors. Still, I’d say, generally, yes. He should have no problem with you expressing that you feel jealous, and he may even see this as evidence of your love, as long as the limit isn’t set so low that every harmless look by a girl triggers you . However, there may be exceptions. For instance, he may have had an extremely jealous girlfriend before, and so he may be highly sensitive in this regard. So, there’s no guarantee, just a high probability you’re on the safe side.

    Good enough for an answer?
    (damn, I wonder where Rusty is, too. Would be good to hear a second opinion)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:30pm

  753. 753: AndrewNo Gravatar says:

    @Laughing Goddess #737

    I can give you a male perspective… if you want. It’s like Rori said in the first post – it’s all in your head. A girl smiled at him. And this means… something? Anything? Really?

    It’s very very unlikely that it has any meaning.

    It seems like you handled it kind of well – admitted it made you jealous but didn’t make a big deal of it.

    What’s really attractive to me, though, is a woman with a lot of confidence. A girl smiles at me, and my girl smiles too, because she knows she gets to go home with me and the other one has no chance in hell.

    Can you reframe your insecurity so that you feel PROUD to be with such an attractive guy?

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:31pm

  754. 754: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmph, feeling bit cross again.

    :-(

    Pouty face.

    Don’t know why.

    I feel sick of my emotions, don’t want to feel them anymore… at least not for a while. I need a break of feeling anxious about this stupid situation.

    Grrrr.

    Feeling frustarted.

    I really feel like just shutting down and going numb for a bit.

    I feel on tenderhooks.

    Thing is I can do this sooo easily.

    Just shut down, lock him off.

    Wtf should I remain open when it feels scary and painful to me and he doesn’t come forward so we are stuck?

    Guess maybe I have soome expectations here and that is the issue but on the other hand I don’t even know what I want! And that is what is so frustrating.

    Well F8ck him!!!!

    Seriously F him.

    W8nker! Grrrr.

    I feel angry.

    Don’t know what I want but this polite stand off thing feels rubbish.

    And I am like ‘seriously?’ this how you wanna play?

    Really, like there is even any f8ckin question here.

    You would be lucky to have me. Seriously dude u r not the only one who wants to be with me,.

    I really think I am going to lock him off a bit.

    Like seriously, you had my head space but now I wanna do other things.

    Its like I was allowing myself to be open to you.

    You are not one of the ones I am magnetically drawn to. You are not worshipped by me!

    I was aiming to stay open cus I though this might be new and good for me, but righ now it is a load of sh8t and not worth my time.

    Humphh.. why do I open my self to people? Sometimes.

    I mean really there are enough faults with you, lots of things about u that I could let put me off, but I was trying to stay open, cus I thought that was what we were supposed to do with supposedly good guys.

    Oh f it I feel sukly.

    I mean I am very lovely.

    And really underneath it all I am just feeling hella scared.

    And hella angry… like WTF!!!! How dare you see her again. What r u doing dude this feels bad! Bad!

    :-(

    I don’t want this.

    I feel confused.

    I am going to withdraw a bit to protect myself.

    I am feeling like dog wih licking wounds. Ick!

    And after sucha good weekend too.

    Right F this I am getting my energy out of here.

    This doesn’t feel good.

    I am withdrawing from situation for now.

    I feel angry, furious and don’t want it.

    Ick ick, NO,

    NO NO NO NO!!!!

    Time to just focus on me.

    Completely.

    I feel sick when I think of other woman and how I am letting her win.

    That feels the worst of all. But I won’t compete.

    F that! F8ck it f8ck it!!! GRRRRRRRRWAAAHRA.

    Just to house mates I think. Better.

    Yuk, let them have each other.

    I feel furious!

    FURIOUS!

    how dare you have a thing with me and then take her out!

    Yuk, I feel infuriated Goddess and diatressed Siren.

    This will not do at all.

    I’m outta here (emotionally) checking out.

    I feel distressed and less than and panicked.

    And I thought this was a good thing for me!

    I have found a new boundary. I won’t date guys who are actively dating other women where it makes me feel less than.

    Like here!

    Urghhhh

    I feel sick. And so FURIOUS>

    Mainly with myself.

    Why did I think I deserve something good, or that good things would happen to me.

    Feel like crying.

    Feel f8cked.

    But not for long! u won’t get me!!! Waaaah.

    I feel jealous of his ex. who doesn’t do any tools and yet he wants her. Hmphh.

    F it I feel rage inside.

    I am outta it… doing my own thing. out of this situation. Yuk yuk yuk…

    And yet maybe not being reasonable. Cus I know he is a good guy.. and she is his friend, and she is going through some sh8t with violent ex and is needy.

    And he wouldn’t just lock her off… and yet I don’t know situation, and I DON@T CARE . Don’t want this.

    If a man wants me I want his whole attention. Not half on another woman, even if just a friend!

    Icky icky, no good for me.

    I feel so insecure and I don’t know how he feels about me, or about her… but I do know cus of situations he is not moving it forward and that feels bad and I am expected to just be patient and nice and wait, but u know what, I am not those things.

    And I am not going to wait. I am going to get my energy the F8ck out of there until/unless he is in a place where he can step up. Not waiting. Get right the heck on with my life..

    And focus OFF him in a big way.

    Like ‘housemate who now?’.

    No trying to make jealous… or strategy or blah, blah blah… just focus wholly on me!

    ME ME ME!!!! Yep yep yep.

    But F8ck reasonable.

    I don’t want to be that,. I want to feel cherised and no 1, and nothing else will do.

    I reject this!

    No thanks. I’ll wait for something else.

    Lets see wtf else is happening.

    and I am feeling so frustarted with the guys arround here.

    And I am doing everything well and no-one really f-ing steps up. They can’t handle me and I won’t change how I am. Because I love me.

    And io love that i WON’T BEND MYSELF OUT OF SHAPE FOR A MAN ANYMORE.

    arghhhh feeeling so cross and frustrated right now.

    :-( ;-( :-(

    Urghhh, who knows wtf is going on.

    Just feelin frustrtated and know this feels bad and need to step WAAAY back.

    The end.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:48pm

  755. 755: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome to you Andrew

    I felt gracious reading your response :-)

    I think re-framing works nicely to quiet any neurotic paranoid, insecure voices, temporarily, and prevent unnecessary skirmishes.

    I’m starting to realize more and more, though, that what it takes is a commitment to honing the skill of really being able to discriminate between one’s own conditioned responses to events, and the objective reality of life situations. That’s shadow work.

    for instance, in LG’s case, from what I have gathered from what she writes about her rel with her LI, his behaviors and her feelings, she doesn’t have much, if anything, to worry about in the present, contrasted to Mel, who very well may have something to be concerned about, so reframing it might work to ease some stress, but hide the underlying objective reality.

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 3:56pm

  756. 756: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    or to flip it, nothing really happened… at all.

    Just the meaning I am giving to stuff.

    But, I am triggered cus I jknow he dated other woman this weekend,

    I have been triggered and this is helping me know what I can accept in a dating scenario and what I will not accept.

    What feels good and wha feels bad.

    And what I will say no to.

    And I vote with my feet, or in this case my energy.

    Once I get over feeling angry and triggered.

    I lean a mile or so back!

    Grrrrwaafff!

    Oh, I’m gonna need to re-focus again. Sometimes it feels so hard…

    But it won’t be, not really, cus my life is so good right now, and I am all that!

    Yes I am.

    And there is a lot that is making me feel good right now.

    And some stuff that is making me feel vulnerable and scared.

    And that is ok too.

    If I can just stay with my horse and my Siren vibe and things will be all well with the Siren Goddess Ella once again very soon!

    Luv ya!

    xoxoxox

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:03pm

  757. 757: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    I know how to do all the toos and right now it is just feeling like strategy.

    And that feels like grabbing on. And that feels awful.

    So I am gonna do the tools, just with my own self and for my own self.

    I don’t want to focus on another anymor.ew

    I am sick of it.

    Want to do some practical stuff ro a while.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:08pm

  758. 758: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh and I do want to aknowledge that there have been no women to stay over since he and I kinda spoke about our thing, and no women’s names mentioned to me…

    Ha, why do I overthink all this stuff so much.

    I am feeling so bored of myself and don’t want to think about it anymore.

    I am going to read some posts then log off and read my book and get some lovely sleep!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:15pm

  759. 759: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    Flippiing.

    They can handle me.

    I love me,. All is good. So much going on.

    Big love up to Ella!

    Ra yeah!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:19pm

  760. 760: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i am so bored with my guy=/
    i really only want to go out with gentlemen and guys who stay in the moment with me and connect with me in that way instead of pushing every connected moment prematurely into his IMAGE of what achieving connection looks like. he’s missing the view on the ride. we will never connect the way he is trying to do it. in fact, to me that seems like a sure fire way for him to never feel fully satisfied like he’s achieved connection.

    i am feeling worn down though. when he brings me my stuff from his car tonight i could just say i have to be somewhere so i gotta run. i dunno. i’m tired of talking. i don’t feel blame for him though. i just don’t think he can do it:(

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:27pm

  761. 761: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    428 FW

    ***He has brachydactyl (6 fingers and 6 toes). It is actually a disease but every one else inherited it instead of me and that was the reason he rejected me. ***

    So that was it, I sensed it was about “normal baby” “healthy baby”.
    I wrote in my comment
    “ People like me do not make quality people like baby FW. “

    I had originally written “People like me do not make normal people like baby FW”.
    Then I thought I can’t bother having the word “normal” being nit picked when it is the exact right word I sense for your case.
    To avoid possible judgmental thoughts-hijackers, I deleted the word “normal” and replaced it by the word “healthy”. Then I thought they would jump on the word “healthy” and say
    “it is a judgmental word, what about the people with genetical issues, they might feel judged reading the word “healthy” coupled with the word “quality daughter”.
    It just happened I sensed it was a genetic issue, but I can’t bother with cyber warriors, so I deleted the word “healthy”.
    And even the expression “quality daughter” I ended deleting it. I thought surely there must be a couple of random readers who judge themselves for not having supported their parents and yet accepted their money and inheritance. Gosh, let’s delete that one too.

    I deleted it all and walked away. I was not going to comment.

    Then you asked me to check your post.
    So I came back and rewrote that comment on egg shell. (If that means anything…)

    xxx

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:29pm

  762. 762: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    428 FW

    ***He has brachydactyl (6 fingers and 6 toes). It is actually a disease but every one else inherited it instead of me and that was the reason he rejected me. I was born a normal child and have suffered as a result.  ***

    *****every one else inherited it instead of me ***
    I am not sure I get correctly the meaning of “instead of”
    I would have said “but me”
    “Instead of”, sounds to me “the inheritance should have been mine only, but my siblings received what was originally aimed at me”

    ***I was born a normal child and have suffered as a result.  ***
    ***that was the reason he rejected me. ***

    Are you sure he rejected you? He is living with you.

    Would it be possible you misunderstood it as a child, you turned it around: “I am different from him and my siblings, so I am not normal”.
    when his issue was “I am not normal and she is perfect. That’s different from what was expected to be”
    and he might have expressed he is not “good enough” to be your father:
    “People like me do not make perfect babies like baby FW. *I* (a flawed man) can’t be her father”.
    These would be words about his self doubts, not about his pride of you.

    xxx

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:34pm

  763. 763: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    428 FW

    *** Some of the recommendations are really scary because we have never been physically loving. It is the one thing I long for most of all because I am not used to being touched as a child. I have one memory of him touching me as a child in an affectionate way but I remember that with anger. He was drunk and I know it was the alcohol and not him. ***

    Was he used to hug the other sister(s) and you were the only one not hugged?
    Or was he simply a regular man with his female daughters?
    Most men do not touch a female in the family over 8 years old or so. That teaches the little girl respect of her physical boundaries. The father’s attitude tells the little girl “You ARE a woman”. It protects her from allowing stranger males to manipulate her into sex and other.
    The mother is the model, she tells the little girl “You don’t know yet, I will show you how to do woman”

    ***I have one memory of him touching me as a child in an affectionate way but I remember that with anger. He was drunk and I know it was the alcohol and not him.***

    Would it be possible alcohol let your father’s walls down that time, and he was free to show his true feelings towards you?
    You inspired him tenderness.
    When parents reject their child, alcohol makes them beat him up or tell him to get out of the way.

    Alcohol made your father kiss you.
    Yet your memory rejects his kiss with anger.
    I wonder if your anger is more around the alcohol situation.

    I wonder if alcohol simply disconnected him from all his children, not just you?
    Little girls need their father’s attention to see the reflection of their self value as women. He failed this part of his job.
    You became an achiever to deserve his attention. But you still don’t know your value as a woman. And you are angry for that and sad because as an achiever you can’t waste time to feel good in your body. As a little girl you leanrt feeling good in your femininity does not work to keep Daddy’s attention. Feeling good is not efficient
    Yet you still need to feel good so you took the shortcut: food ( sex is another short cut).

    ***It is frightening to even think of doing it again because of the fear of rejection.***

    Kiss him out of the blue would feel off for both of you.
    But yes, when he is sitting, and fussing against you, you might try to go to him, kneel by his chair or sit by his chair and take his hand to start with, caressing the back of his hand while you speak to him gently.
    ( It is interesting to note I sensed you could try to take his hand and now you are telling me a difference between your hands is the root of you feeling rejected.)
    The first time you touch his hand, he might flinch (hope it is the right verb) out of surprise. When he does, smile and kiss him on the cheek and let go his hand.
    Baby step. It would not be a rejection, it would be his own self ill at ease about not being good enough to deserve your love, and also the subconscious taboo stuff.

    xxx

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:50pm

  764. 764: Girlfriends Cocktails & ConvosNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Rori,
    I’ve received your newsletter emails and I must say that they are very insightful. I find myself reading them and seeing myself in some of them. I am the founder of Girlfriends Cocktails & Convos LLC a social networking site for women. Its sole purpose is to provide a meeting place for women to open up (in a intimate and supportive setting) about the things that they would normally share while having cocktails with their girlfriends. Some of the advice and discourse that takes place in this setting is usually open and honest. I wanted to take that conversation to the web. I agree with your viewpoints and look forward to hearing more. If a guy is ignoring you, we as women do tend to shift the blame on ourselves. We must have done something or said something that has caused his distant behavior. I have learned that focusing on myself and not putting all of the energy on him helped me to grow in areas that I never thought I could. Keep up the good conversations! Stop by when you’re browsing the web!

    Loren, GFC&C

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:54pm

  765. 765: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    FW 428

    ***Her mother died when she was 11 and she grew up with an aunt who lost a baby after yelling at my mother for something. She was blamed constantly by her uncle for that. ***
    ***My sister the first born had a brain tumor at 19 yrs old and have not really succeeded in life since that operation. She made some forward strides afterwards but it seemed she always did something to sabotage herself. It is frightening to think of what might happen to her in the future, even her 23 year old mentions how she worries sometimes about her. ***

    I am sorry to read that.
    I am not surprised though, I also deleted the part where I suggest they might feel responsible for death itself. I replaced it by the notion of guilt and fear (of death).

    It is interesting to notice the brain life is electricity.
    Your mother felt accused of the electricity cut. She said “what could I have done, you saw me” and off started a big problem.
    She is feeling guilty for your sister’s brain that went under a power “cut”.
    She is afraid it could go under a total power cut, a black out.
    She probably feels “powerless” and yet guilty for creating her this way.
    Same when she was a child.
    She was not the one screaming, it was her aunt’s choice to scream.
    Powerless yet guilty for sharing the same stage where the drama took place.
    Guilty just for being there.

    And she hears “what did you do?”
    She instinctively cries “what could I have done, you saw me”
    She wants to be seen, she wants a witness to say
    “I saw you. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing you could have done to influence this dramatic events. It is not related to your will or actions. Things just happen.”

    xxx

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:54pm

  766. 766: LonePlumNo Gravatar says:

    FW 428

    ***My NV is mainly I am not good enough never occured to me that he felt that way about himself. I have heard my mother say things that suggested that about herself. ***

    If he was accepting himself, he would not be rude towards his own daughter or towards anybody. He would not yell.
    That’s why I don’t think it is about you but about him not feeling good enough.

    ***I have no doubt though that I am his child. ***
    I know.

    The idea is to clean the air between you two.
    By asking “Do you believe I am your daughter” you are not trying to know if he is your father but if he “believes” he is, because you have painful memories of him doubting and you believe he rejected you because of his doubts.
    The thing is you did not hear him doubt his fatherhood, so it could be good to ask him rather than hurting yourself with old hearsay remembered through the filter of a little girl.
    I would ask him directly all that is eating me up.

    xxx

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 4:59pm

  767. 767: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Ella,

    I feel sad you are having a difficult time today. I was in a similar situation a few years ago (moved in as a housemate-turned into something else shortly after- undefined, living like partners in a way, not in others, how do we really feel about each other?). It felt good at some points, weird in others, and bad in others still. It was very stressful, and didn’t end well after 3 months.

    A few days ago I asked you how difficult it would be for you to find a different living situation – I still think you should consider it. In a way you are in an “instant relationship” with this man – without knowing how you feel about him – or how he feels about you. How is he to “step up”? How are you to determine if he is a good match for you when you are already living with him?

    In a post a few days ago Rori said she would rather have emotion expressed here rather than opinions. All my emotion says you would be far better off living elsewhere while you explore a possible relationship with this man.

    (((Ella)))

    Lily

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 5:37pm

  768. 768: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    Was just reading this summary of Shakespeare’s poem “Venus and Adonis” and thought I would share.
    I think it illustrates so well how Venus only drove Adonis further and further away by trying to convince him to love her.
    (The horses on the other hand had it all worked out!)

    http://hudsonshakespeare.org/Shakespeare%20Library/Synopsis/synopsis_venus_and_adonis.htm

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 6:21pm

  769. 769: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth-(or any sirens this may be of interest) :)
    Had a great night tonight..did a bit of circular dating during day.. hung with a good male friend.. flirted with another.. all good.. then got really sad.. let it go.. and took myself out for my usual sunday dinner and wine.. it’s a sunday ritual.. a date night for myself…
    But I bumped into x at a bar I went to to see a friend for a sec..saw him.. he reached out to say hi.. we chatted.. I felt calm and fine.. asked how his weekend was.. etc.. then I left..as I wanted to go on with my night. He asked where I was going to eat.. I said I didnt know.. and though he kept saying he was leaving.. I left first.. it felt great to just walk away.. and as I left all I said was “it felt good to see you”. I feel good.. it wasn’t quite the moment I was hoping for in terms of whatever else I wanted to say.. but it went as well as a first bumping into could be.. I am proud of myself that I didn’t stay at the bar for long nor did I sit there wondering if we would eat together.. I just moved on. Of course, I feel what I feel now.. and certainly miss him.. but for my own sense of self.. it was a good baby step (I looked goood too!) ;)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 6:55pm

  770. 770: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita-
    In the grand scheme of things… you didnt mess up. You are just learning to set boundries and be better at teaching people how to treat you.

    After I was in counsling and my anger came up and I was trying to set boundries with people I hadnt before with. I was seriously pissing people off left and right and having arguments basically fighting for respect. And becuase I was changing for the better some people in my life had to go. I saw that the relationship even with some of my girlfriends were a one way street.

    My counselor said it was totally normal. I was setting boundries and it was like learning how to walk.. But, most importantly she said it was like “cleaning house and a lot of dust was being stirred up.”

    Eventually it balnced out and I am much better at being direct with out any blame or drama. I nip in the bud and show up for myself.

    You did the best you knew in the moment and really it was self care step for yourself. You can tweak words in the future. That aint no thing. Easy fix!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 6:56pm

  771. 771: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Facebook…

    All I have to say is.. if makes you look at his profile and read comments or check out all the girls and question pics.. GET OFF IT. That’s just to tempting to lean forward. And even if he doesnt know it. The mental energy is still leaning forward.

    Or dont add him as a friend and actually use self control. Sometimes it’s too tempting if there is a tiff or you went out and had cocktails.

    I had great self control never never checked my boyfriends page. At the end of the day, I was hearing his voice on the phone anyways or sending each other pics to each other.

    However. After I was laid off I got insecure and started to notice being on there.. wasn’t bringing out the most self assured side of me. All these little nasty (as in not feeling confident) thoughts would enter my head. like example, she’s prettier or did they hook up? And I knew it was gonna be a minute before I was out the transition. So, I got totally off and it’s been a blessing… HUGE ONE.

    I’ll get back on maybe.. I kinda like the mystery.. of not being on it.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:11pm

  772. 772: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    Kaitlyn…

    I’ve read enough of your emails to recognize that you are in a toxic relationship.

    I don’t know if anything I’ve got to say would help. I do know enough to tell you that I’ve been in the same boat.

    I made the best decision I could at the time. That was to leave.

    I’m not suggesting you or anyone else do the same. I’m not in your shoes. All I know is that he isn’t going to change until he recognizes his behavior as a problem and decides to change.

    I might as well throw my 3 cents in while I’m at it.
    I’d either fish or cut bait. The interpretation for that is to say that I’d either fight or walk away from the whole kit and kaboodle.

    I’d prefer to fight, but that’s easier said than done. My advice (for what it’s worth)? You may want to seek legal council on what your rights are given the current circumstances and environment.

    I don’t know if anything I’ve said makes sense, or the right thing to do. I’m only speaking from past experience.

    I have a great deal of compassion towards people who get taken advantage of. They need a great deal of support, true friendship, and most of all, Prayer.

    Thank you for reading this,

    ~ Violet ~

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:12pm

  773. 773: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE F*CK
    i called him 4x, left two messages. wtf. i feel gentle and loving towards myself, but i just got this inspiration like i needed to talk to him about everything, and tell him to please stop being a weirdo all day long!

    i effed up! i leaned forward last night and asked him for a ride and that’s how this all started. i should have let him lead

    omg this girl here is FREAKING OUT. i want to cry:( but i got a pretty makeover today so i’m just crying on the inside.

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:23pm

  774. 774: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 766 Thanks Loneplum. I believe it is the constant criticism which has now been turned towards my children too. Most times I feel like staying out of his presence.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:24pm

  775. 775: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    why am i so hooked on this stupid situation?????

    what is wrong with me????

    i have a lot of bad things to say about myself right now

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:24pm

  776. 776: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Dorothea…. breathe :) Just take some deep breaths, try to relax and think about it calmly. I don’t know what’s been happening the last few days, but last I recall, you’d asked for some space. If he’s not calling you back, STOP leaning forward, and shift your vibe/focus some place else. Everything looks better in the morning!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:28pm

  777. 777: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 761 Loneplum your insight is astounding. It is all a lot for me to process. However, I understand now that it is a reason I have attracted guys who withdraw. I have recognized in myself a fear of opening up and being seen. I have rejected my own self based on the fact that I felt I was not normal. I fear doing some of those things you are suggesting. The family celebrated his birthday which is today and I stayed upstairs. I feel stuck in the disrespect from last weekend. I stayed away because it felt like voting for myself doing that. Those recommendations you made are huge steps for me because I get so massively triggered by criticism which seems the only thing he knows how to do. I just feel like I have had enough of that to last me for the rest of my life. This work here has affected my energy where it has changed from intensity to mellow. Sometimes I feel I can’t even stand to hear loud speaking any more. I just feel like taking care of me.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:38pm

  778. 778: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks turquoise
    i don’t know why but i am having a freaking panic attack over here:( I just want things to work without having to lock myself in some crazy cage. it’s okay to panic though. i love me. i am going to cry it out. no one is going to see my makeup anyway, it’s almost bed time.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:39pm

  779. 779: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i set up an online dating profile today but it has made me feel very ill and depressed.

    i don’t think i am interested in online dating. i am 26 and will give it more time to happen “naturally” before I go there.

    I just wanted to unhook my energy from him…but i don’t feel good browsing the site for men. it doesn’t feel like ‘my thing’ at all.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 7:44pm

  780. 780: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Lilybelle hope you are okay.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:14pm

  781. 781: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    I had a really nice weekend. Friday night I met a girlfriend for drinks and to catch up, yesterday I went to get a mani/pedi from my new really good friend. Got to chat with her for two hours while she made me pretty :) Then, we went out last night with my sister and two other girlfriends to hear a band called Ferris Bueller’s Revenge. They played mostly 80′s hits and some current songs. They were FABULOUS! I looked hot, made eye contact with a few nice looking men, but mostly the evening was about my sister. She’s 44 and newly dating. She had a dinner date and then met us to go out, right away a guy commented on liking her shirt, bought us a round of drinks, came up to talk to her twice during the night… and then she gave him her phone number. She never does anything like that! Today she called me to tell me a man in the store started a conversation with her. She has no idea why, but I’ve been passing on lots of Rori info. and her vibe is amazing right now! I’m sooooo happy for her.

    Today, my friend who has the dayspa asked me if I’d like to start helping her with makeovers and doing the makeup! It would just be here and there, but will be a little extra cash and so much fun! I really wanted to go to school for cosmotology, but my mom had, and she said it was too hard on her legs. So, I went to college and became an elementary school teacher. I loved it, but the social aspect of beauty jobs, would be perfect for me.

    Then, I met Mike, who I think we’ll just be friends, for lunch and we talked for two hours. It was fun, will be nice to have a local guy to do stuff with, practice the tools, and not have all the pressure. I’m open to it growing into more, he has gorgous greenish gold eyes and dark hair… :) But if not, will be nice to have a guy friend in my very small town.

    The girls came back from their fun weekend with their dad, we all met and had dinner at a japanese hibatchi place. So yummy. I tried spicy tuna sushi and had a saki bomb for the first time. Interesting lol.

    Glad my girls had a good weekend with their dad. I did a bunch of cleaning today, walked and made healthy food choices.

    I’m enjoying an 80 cal. frozen fruit bar, and heading to bed soon. Wish I had another day in the weekend… but shouldn”t be too crazy of a week.

    :)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:21pm

  782. 782: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay turquoise, i am glad you had a nice weekend!! :)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:23pm

  783. 783: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    i appreciate all the help and support i’ve gotten around here. it has been amazing and helpful and there are times when i feel like i’m going to explode, but then i let it out here and not only do i feel better just for that, but you all give me feedback. thank you so much for letting me part of the most awesome support group on the internet. i am learning so much and it feels awesome.

    i am going to get off the blog for a few days. i think i’m too much in my head with it right now. and probably worrying far too much about men. talk to everyone later on!!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:26pm

  784. 784: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, That’s ok. I totally understand that browsing online doesn’t always feel good when we want someone else. Sometimes I feel like I’m faking it. And I know my advice sounds easy, but it’s not. I just learned that it didn’t matter how much I freaked, didn”t change anything. Crying is good…so is screaming if you wouldn”t wake the neighbors! :) You’ll be ok!

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:28pm

  785. 785: Turquoise3No Gravatar says:

    Dorothea, we’ll be here :) I hope you can clear your mind a bit.

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:38pm

  786. 786: ElizabethNo Gravatar says:

    769 JennS

    Wow, Jenn, you sound so centered
    and like you handled it like a true pro!
    It’s nice that you discovered that you can be friendly towards each other! That’s pretty big, along with how you are handling your emotions.
    I feel calm and abiding reading what you wrote.
    Love the idea of your Sunday dates
    for yourself! mmmm…dinner and wine..
    I spent time out in nature today hiking a little,
    a beautiful weather, one foot in front of the other, had a nice convo with no.quit.option man, he has a good sense of humor!

    :-)

    xxxooo

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 8:50pm

  787. 787: sophieNo Gravatar says:

    Re #389 Jacquline

    Thx for responding as we live on the other end of globe.

    Yes I don’t know what the guy is up to and after I left him alone as in give up , he txted me lat FRI saying he is busy with exams now and will have dinner later.

    Up until today I have no responded, hope I did the right thing.

    Hope you and all other sirens are good tonight

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 9:14pm

  788. 788: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    I don’t know why I feel so insecure, all of a sudden… I hate the fact that he has still kept her in his list, when he himself told me that he doesnt entertains people who have 1000 frnds or dont talk to them… This girl has over 1000 frnds, and all she does is uploads pics every week, and expects compliments to guss around, and that’s what he does exactly, compliments her…

    I’m beautiful, nice person, an upcoming engineer, men flock to me wherever I go, I don’t know why I fear. Perhaps it has to do with my past which I havent yet got over with, where always I was dumped for the other girl, who were certainly better than me. (This girl who is giving me sleepless nights, definitely isn’t. The only advantage she has is that in her list she has over 1000 frnds, which makes it seem that she’s special, and very few of them had actually sent her request. She was the one sending it 95% of time, to increase her list.)

    And from what i see, it seems like my guy gives a lot more importance to the social proof, and compliments her so that he can be in her good book.

    I dont get what he would get by being in other’s good books, when the only good book he should be thinking about is mine…. Since the day we became a couple, I’ve longed for compliments, which I got a lot as his just frnd, but no more….

    And he says he never ignored me….!!!?? Well, he never appreciated me..!! And as small as it may look to my mom, that’s important to me…..
    Mom keeps supporting him, in almost all things he does….
    Mom asked me to take his compliments casually, eevn he said the same, and had stopped complimenting her once I said I dont like that. But the very next day after our break up, when I wasnt in his list, he went ahead and said she looked really cute in that pic. Couldn’t he wait even a bit?? Had I strangled his neck so hard???

    I dont get it, when I dont like her, why has he still kept her in his list, when he says that he doesnt likes bengalis and peoples who have more than 1000 frnds in their lists? This girl has both the qualities he dislikes, then why has he kept her, when he knows I hate her….

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 10:45pm

  789. 789: AliciaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Ankitia..

    lol. I feel ya on the facebook. I used to be someone who had a zillion of friends but, over time I deleted it down to like 50 on purpose. And It was way more fun when I was single. lol..

    In a realtionship, I wouldnt luv it. Like I said, if it makes you lean forward then take a break. In regards of the girl. Just think as less numbers as being more of an “elite club” then mass numbers as popular. Quality not quanity.. I would never accept every friend request. Or I would ask. How do I know you? ;) If I got a random..

    I feel a zillion times more relaxed. I almost can’t imagine why I would go back on.

    There will always be wanna be models and attention seekers on there. And always normal guys who like seeing pretty girls. It’s all good until the guy is your complementing someone else. That would make feel confused.It’s fun getting compliments but, then seeing all the girls on your guys page. No thanks.

    Cliff notes:
    Anyone who is a real true friend has three things, my email, my phone number, my address lol… and probably pics of me too.

    Plus, if I want to send out pics I’ll send them thru my personal email account. There is something nice about being private and keeping things intimate.

    This doesnt sound like it’s doing anything for your esteem. And you can only control you. You are better then this nasty voice I hear you feeling.

    p.s. – Ofcourse, you are pretty and great. He is just being a normal guy. ALL guys take a look at other women and observe them even say a compliment. I would cut him a break and just take care of you.

    That is what I did.. I felt the same way as you did. I’m telling you it’s way better now. :)

    Sunday, 15 May 2011 @ 11:49pm

  790. 790: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I loved doing my Goddess Teleclass and will be holding it again, probably multiple times!

    so don’t worry if you missed it… the recording didn’t get saved i don’t think,

    i feel WONDERFUL doing it and feel really open and lovingly supported to do it some more!

    there will also be a beautiful document to go along the teleclass that i will share with you all here and on my blog

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 12:10am

  791. 791: SerenaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Brenda if you are reading , I mailed you.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 1:49am

  792. 792: Graceful LoveNo Gravatar says:

    Hello Everybody,

    My bf lives in a city 3 hours drive from me. The last couple of weeks on Saturdays he says he is sick and disconnects and calls on a Sunday.

    My insecurity has got to me and pulls me down. I feel he is with some other girl. The sad part is that I would never know. Sometimes I feel I should trust him and sometimes I’m not too sure.

    Please help!
    Graceful Love

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 2:05am

  793. 793: Graceful LoveNo Gravatar says:

    Can somebody tell me how I can ask him if there are some female friends he is hanging out or meeting with? He always shows that he is with his male friends.

    Please help!

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 2:12am

  794. 794: VioletNo Gravatar says:

    @ 793: Graceful Love,

    I think some techniques Rori advises work well.

    I may not be experienced enough in her techniques to advise.

    Some techniques I’ve read may work for you. I believe one of them is making the decision not to contact him in any way, shape or form.

    His response (or non-response) will speak volumes regarding his current interpretation of the relationship.

    I don’t know him. I can only give you my opinion based on what I’ve read concerning him ‘calling off sick’.

    Here goes: I don’t think he’s sick at all. I think he’s got this major game going on in his head about how he wants things to be. I believe that he is exploring other options.

    I’m like… out of ALL the days, why is this happening on ‘Saturdays’ opposed to any other day!? I haven’t read how he wants to do this, that, or the other thing
    with you to make up for lost time. I’m only hearing him calling off sick on that specific day when you would normally get together.

    ****************************************************

    I apologize if anything I’ve said goes against the grain of what Rori advises. I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m not a professional coach. I’m not perfect and never will be.

    One thing is a fact. I’ve been there, done that, got the T-Shirt, wore it, tore it up, burned it and scattered the ashes all over the face of the planet.

    What is the moral of ‘the story’!? 1) No contacting him. 2) Concentrate on yourself, do things to build up and reinforce your confidence. Don’t rely on him to do it. 3) Decide what you want to do to make yourself happy and do it. You may figure out that you don’t need him or his behaviors.

    ~ Violet ~

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 5:24am

  795. 795: LDNo Gravatar says:

    Not sure what to do here. MinisterCD is coming to my town for vacation and although we’re not dating anymore and he knows D and I are exclusive, he has been burning my phone up with texts and calls wanting to get together as “friends” while he’s here. I feel a little annoyed because he is making more effort now to see me than he ever did when we were dating.

    D and I spoke about it this weekend and he says it’s my decision whether to see ministerCD as friends or not while he’s here and that he trusts me, but also he doesn’t believe that ministerCD truly wants to just be friends with me. He thinks that since ministerCd and I came so close to having sex and then didn’t, that he is using the “friends” card in order to be able to hang out with me in the hopes that my attraction for him is still strong enough to “slip up” and let something happen despite my relationship with D. He also said though that most if not all of my guy friends have probably wanted to or thought about having sex with me at some point because that’s just the way men are with attractive women.

    I feel torn about it because on the one hand, D is probably right about ministerCD’s intentions, but on the other hand I’d really like to be able to CD men just as friends to keep my vibe up. I trust myself and know that I would never “slip up” and let anything happen with anyone.

    Anyone have any thoughts on what’s appropriate in an exclusive relationship since I have been upfront with D about it and he seems to be fine with whatever I decide?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 5:25am

  796. 796: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    LD if it is just as friends why not invite D and another girlfriend? Or just go out with a group of friends including ministerCD?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:04am

  797. 797: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 792 Could you give some more details about the type of arrangement you and he has?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:06am

  798. 798: LDNo Gravatar says:

    FW,

    Thanks, that’s a great idea! For alot of reasons, I really like the idea of having ministerCd in my life as a friend, and I do trust myself. I just don’t want to be naive about his intentions. Having a girlfriend or friends there would make me feel more comfortable.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:13am

  799. 799: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    I think D is completely on the money regarding MinisterCD’s intentions. What you need to figure out, is it worth it to you to “dally” with MinisterCD knowing that he still has sexual feelings for you?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:16am

  800. 800: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 799 I really don’t think they lose the attraction, even when either or both parties get married. I have seen that played out in real life.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:23am

  801. 801: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    New post up!

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:39am

  802. 802: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    LD,

    Perhaps you have a single girlfriend who might hit it off with MinisterCD? Win win. :)

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:40am

  803. 803: AnkitaNo Gravatar says:

    Alicia,

    Thanks…….

    Know what has made me freak out? I feel like, when you returned to me after 6 months of break-up, and said you missed me every day and night, when you hired one of your friend to spy on me, posing as a friend of mine, during these 6 months just to keep a tab on my life, when inspite of break-up you never did let me go, when you called me now, when you made love to me passionately now, when you held my hand now, WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM IN APPRECIATING ME??

    You know I had changed my dp in fb twice in front of him, and he never even said a word, I emailed him my pics, NO comments.. That’s what made me say to him that you hardly notice me… Whenever he saw that “attention seeker’s” new pics which he liked he immediately said, “Wow man.. Wat a Look..!” or “nice pose” or “luking cute”… At times he was even sarcastic with her attention seeking tactics and even made fun, but that wasnt so often, he still gave 2 compliments for 1 sarcastic remark…. I don’t know why, but I feel like a competitor with her, though I know the reason she gets too noticed by him is because of her post feeds, over 2000 pics, and 1000+ friends… He just sees it on his walls, and comments.. as casual as that…. Atleast, that’s what he had told me…!!

    I want to be appreciated, just like Rori says we should appreciate men, we too need appreciation, and it feels cheap to ask for a compliment, esp. when someone is so tight lipped.

    I had once asked him for a particular day that how am I looking today? He said… You look good always….. and smiled…..

    But who wants a compliment like that when I’ve to ask him how am I looking?

    Survey showed that 76% of men notice other females more than their own gf’s, coz a sense of familiarity sets in. Many girls do compromise, but am having a hard time doing so…

    I feel like he’s not going to notice me unless 1) I gain 100 pounds or 2) Cut my hair really short or 3) Walk naked in the street… Lol…. Funny… :D

    I don’t know what to do…!!?? Feel freaked out….

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 6:53am

  804. 804: T-GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita – my first thought is that you have to be comfortable with yourself and not have to have a man validate that for you. Otherwise whatever he does may never be good enough or enough of a validation?

    I would love to hear one of my men say I always look good. In fact, one of them just did and it melted me.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 7:25am

  805. 805: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    LD – What a great problem to have :)

    Inviting friends along for support might feel good, but it might or might not solve the problem.

    I had a similar idea about his intentions, but slightly less cynical. I don’t believe he would expect you to “slip up” and cheat on D with him. My guess is that he is hoping if he is good “friends” with you, then he could eventually woo you away from D – to be his. But then, if that happens, chances are that he’s not going to “step up” anymore once he has you. He will go back into the same pattern that he had before that didn’t “win” you in the first place.

    So, basically, I think you are at NO RISK at all, if you choose to spend time with him. D trusts you, you trust yourself, and you know that you are not going to be swayed just because Mr. MinisterCD feels bad that he didn’t do the right things to “claim” you when he had his chance. You’ve made your choice. And so, I think, if you went out as friends – especially if you like the idea of having him as a friend in your life – you can keep the vibe on that level. I think continuing to “CD” with friends even when you’re in a committed relationship is a great idea. It keeps you happy. And I’m sure D doesn’t mind, because you are still desirable, but you’re with him.

    If MinisterCD makes a move while you are out, all you have to do is say something to reestablish the boundary, and let him know that if those are his intentions, then it might be better if you don’t see each other, since you only want to be friends. But you are comfortable keeping it on the friendship level.

    How does that sound?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 8:02am

  806. 806: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 805 Tmizz have to admit after reading what you wrote I was about to write “I don’t trust myself”. Then it occured to me that is a belief that need to change because Rori teaches trust your yourself and your boundaries. Big aha moment for me because I unconsciously used to establish boundaries because of beliefs external to me, just things that I was taught. So now I have to figure out how to translate to my daughter to estbalish her own boundaries and trusting herself. I was wondering though why put oneself in a position that might go awry as in the recent situation with the French guy that go caught. Even if I trust myself and my guy trusts me why would I want to accept or engage with a guy who never stepped up when he was invited to? Why play russian roulette or jeapardy when I am now safely in a situation that I want with someone else? I am thinking about the interview Rori mailed last month where the guy gave an example of his now wife who had a date with someone else before she met him. He wanted to take her to the place and she changed plans on the first guy because he was not treating her well. I am now wondering if ministerCD was not treating LD the way she want to be treated why date him now just to be friends? I sense her value, difficulty and vibe would be higher if she refused to see him. It would give D an ego boost to know that she consciously chooses him over this other guy though he is comfortable with it. Kaitlyn’s situation comes to mind where her guy originally gave the impression that he was okay. I sense that maybe the guys don’t really know how they feel until the realization hits them that their girl is with some other man in the moment it happens. Plus if they are out together and the guy see another guy hitting on his girl he usually gets into his knight in armour body and want to defend. D might trust LD but I am not sure that after agreeing to exclusivity it is okay to date “inexclusively”. If there is a problem why do it? I am not convinced she can get rid of him as a friend. Why choose exclusivity if you want to date others?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 8:34am

  807. 807: TmizzNo Gravatar says:

    FW – you make some really good points.

    I, personally, have found it hard to be “friends” with guys that I’ve dated in the past when I know that they still have feelings for me – or if I still have feelings for them – because I know that the “friendship” is inauthentic.

    So maybe what LD needs to do is look within herself to see if she *really* wants to go out with MinisterCD or not? Obviously, part of her is probably intrigued and gratified that he wants to see her – but maybe she could do or say something else.

    What stood out to me in what she wrote was that she feels annoyed. Maybe she could turn that into a feeling statement? More annoyance, less intrigue…

    You’re right, FW, things have changed. She is no longer “available.” And so she doesn’t need to be, and she doesn’t need to go if she doesn’t want to.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 8:47am

  808. 808: BrendaNo Gravatar says:

    Ankita,

    Good to see you back on here!

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 8:53am

  809. 809: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    #806 FW

    I related to your thoughts in a way. I’ve never felt comfortable hanging around a guy who wanted me sexually when I didn’t want him. NOT a good vibe.

    I don’t know about MinisterCD, and maybe I’m a little jaded, but I wonder if his strong desire “to be friends” is masking a secret hope that LD & D, will “blow up” and he’ll be there providing sympathy and a warm bed? Emotional affairs (and those that lead to full-blown affairs) often start with “friendships” where at least one party fantasizes about having more. Why even go there if one is happy in their own relationship?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 8:54am

  810. 810: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Sharing some info I just received.

    Ask yourself — would you like your own words to be ones that build the relationship, or break it?

    In today’s newsletter, we’ll be talking about four romantic phrases that seem simple, but can actually build and strengthen the bond between you and the
    man you love.

    ROMANTIC PHRASE #1 – “HEY, HANDSOME!”
    The great thing about short, sweet compliments like “Hey, handsome” is the feeling it gives him.

    It immediately lets him know that you’re not intimidated by him, and you’re comfortable enough to talk to him in a way that’s usually reserved for
    boyfriend and girlfriends.

    What’s more, little compliments like this also tell him that you’re a confident woman who doesn’t hesitate to
    reveal her feelings.

    ROMANTIC PHRASE #2 – “HEY, HARD WORKER!”

    Aside from telling him how good he looks, it’s also a good idea to compliment the “deeper” parts of his
    presence in your life.

    And one of those parts happens to be his contribution to the relationship! For instance, if you know he’s working extra hours at work to pay for dates and to prepare for your future, don’t hesitate — show your appreciation!

    Here’s a special “unforgettable woman” challenge for you — from now on, try praising him at least four times more than you criticize him!

    Don’t be an “ungrateful woman” — learn to appreciate the hard work that he’s been putting in to the relationship!

    ROMANTIC PHRASE #3 – “YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!”

    It’s basically a creative way of telling him, “You make me happy.” It tells him that you think he’s a good boyfriend or husband.

    And trust me, men LOVE hearing such compliments!

    ROMANTIC PHRASE #4 – “I APOLOGIZE.”

    This romantic phrase is rather important, because another common mistake that many women make is never admitting defeat during an argument.

    Sometimes, even when they know they’re wrong, some women do whatever it takes to win the argument!

    That’s why it’s a breath of fresh air for most men when they meet a woman who knows how to apologize.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 8:56am

  811. 811: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    RE 809 Yep Lily T that is how I feel. Plus I believe romantic relationships need a strong foundation of a good friendship. LD would know she had this with him just in case her and D blew up. He might be subliminally reinforcing that for her. I wonder how he would feel if the shoes were switched?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 9:00am

  812. 812: JennSNo Gravatar says:

    Elizabeth-
    thank you.
    Glad you feel good about your good humor man! :)

    Funny, as an addition to the last post.. the night went on and I was of course thinking and thinking.. hmmm.. I wished he would text or call .. you know.. just cuz.. well he did. Right as I was falling asleepp.. I get a thank you text.. I was confused and I said well not sure why you are thanking me , but you are welcome.. So.. I can put a hundred different meanings to it.. but the best is that I just felt good as I fell asleep and clearly I did, or was being a certain way that merited thanking…Interesting right?

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 9:01am

  813. 813: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Tmizz LD agreed to exclusivity which Rori does not advise so I understand wanting to keep him around as a CD. I also see it as having one foot out the door if it doesn’t work out with D. It might be just an impression but she agreed to exclusivity. I believe if I am second guessing myself on such a decision I should go back and be honest. D’s trust in her could possibly double if she does not go out on this date. That is if he is really in a place to finalize the deal with her. It just feels like a card I would not personally want to play after agreeing to exclusivity.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 9:04am

  814. 814: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Lurker:

    “Oh, my, Goddess…
    As is said, men come in all colors and flavors. Still, I’d say, generally, yes. He should have no problem with you expressing that you feel jealous, and he may even see this as evidence of your love, as long as the limit isn’t set so low that every harmless look by a girl triggers you . However, there may be exceptions. For instance, he may have had an extremely jealous girlfriend before, and so he may be highly sensitive in this regard. So, there’s no guarantee, just a high probability you’re on the safe side.

    Good enough for an answer?
    (damn, I wonder where Rusty is, too. Would be good to hear a second opinion)”
    —————————–

    Ya, thanks Lurker.

    It’s interesting that you bring up the ex because he has told me stories about his ex being jealous and getting angry with him for situations like that where a woman would smile at him.

    And I feel certain that part of his attraction to me is that I’m not normally the jealous type.

    So, although I feel okay with our interactions so far, I feel motivated now to build up my own confidence and self-esteem. I seem to go through phases with it.

    Thanks for taking the risk to answer me. I’m imagining that you might feel a little hesitant to at this point. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

    Monday, 16 May 2011 @ 9:06am

  815. 815: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    Andrew:

    “I can give you a male perspective… if you want. It’s like Rori said in the first post – it’s all in your head. A girl smiled at him. And this means… something? Anything? Really?

    It’s very very unlikely that it has any meaning.

    It seems like you handled it kind of well – admitted it made you jealous but didn’t make a big deal of it.

    What’s really attractive to me, though, is a woman with a lot of confidence. A girl smiles at me, and my girl smiles too, because she knows she gets to go home with me and the other one has no chance in hell.

    Can you reframe your insecurity so that you feel PROUD to be with such an attractive guy?”
    ——————
    Thanks for another male perspective!

    I totally agree with you. The message that I’m getting from this situation is that I have some room to work on my confidence.

    Sometimes I am like the woman you described yet I am seeing room to embody that even more.

    I felt tri