You’re Beautiful, Talented, Smart – and Wimpy in Love…How Can This Be?

It always amazes me – but every single woman who comes to me and who I work with as a client is drop-dead gorgeous. Smart. Talented – many accomplished in their fields, as Alice, in this letter she sent me, is.

I often work with women who are very high-profile – who are actually on-stage and public, and yet do not value themselves at all.

They still find themselves crawling on the floor after a man.

How can this be? Here’s Alice’s letter:

“I guess I have to forget about him, hard as it is to do.

On Nov. 29th he was over here having a grand old time dining on the feast I prepared for his Thanksgiving time with me, he spoke of getting me a new TV for Xmas, about how we would look at a problem in my home next weekend when he was coming over, he said he was in love with me, and left with really nice vibes and food.

Next day he called to further rave about everything, and we told each other we were sweethearts. I asked him if he’d gotten any more weird emails (from the x gf who’d thrown him out a couple of times in the past, and had begun emailing things to him in effort to get him back “as a friend,” that they “had a bond”) and he said “no, that was nothing – ” regarding her having begun emailing more and more as the holidays grew near.

But that week he suddenly began canceling everything we’d set up together, not coming to see me as we’d agreed, just canceling all meetings between us from that week on.

Then soon there was no contact at all. I would get a stray text or email saying things were crazy with work and debts and worries, and he was freaking out, sorry he disappeared, and would come back. He wished me a Merry Xmas by a text, and Happy New Year in an email, both times saying he was with his son.

He never came back, tho said each week he “missed me, would call this week – ”

So I’m in a very awkward position, after being asked to please understand, be patient, believe, don’t be mad, etc, – then nothing – yet what am I supposed to do? I cry out to be able to talk it over with him but know he will not answer the phone if I tried, and not really talk about whatever is going on.

Chances are the x gf snared him back with some new line to get his attention, and he just dropped me like a hot potato. I want to move on but my heart is still On Hold for him.

I know it will get me nowhere to try and reach out to him and ask. If this had been the other way around, I wonder what he would have done? Would he just have said he “understood” and back off?

That’s the story – painful as it is. Alice”

Here’s my answer:

Every one of the amazing women I work with and talk to every day – Alice, and perhaps you? – feels zero sense of power in romantic relationships.

And I remember this being the way I was – smart, talented, busy – and not happy in love. No self-esteem in love. No ability to be raw and open and yet hold my own power.

Alice, this has nothing to do with him.

Men come and go. You are yours forever.

Find your love there, with you, first…and as you Circular Date – you’ll see how it plays out in the world…

Love, Rori

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117 Comments to “You’re Beautiful, Talented, Smart – and Wimpy in Love…How Can This Be?”

  1. 1: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    I love this post!
    Happiness starts from the inside.I am really working on finding Love inside of me and not from an external source.I am learning to stay grounded and love whatever comes my way.Love just is.and we are love.

    Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 9:52pm

  2. 2: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I am mine forever , I gave myself a big hug today. I was feeling “sensitive” I reminded my boy to take care of my girl today, special care :) I met “truckman” for coffee, turns out he wanted to take me out to eat instead, we laughed through our meal, the waiter was happy cause he got a huge tip. For some reason today was public affection day :) for us. Actually this part is weird but people wanted to touch us, women especially. He wanted to touch me more and more :) I hugged myself more and more. Last year at this time (Valentines Day) I was feeling anxiety and really called 911 , I thought I was dying or at least having a heart attack, but no the handsome paramedic saved me and then my cardiologist said his diagnosis is a broken heart , his treatment was “Get rid of your boyfriend and find another one” we laughed at that, and he gave me a really nice pill hehe. The reason, I dont know what it was really but I read one of Rori’s emails and reading that email triggered something in me, fear I dont know, she said something about loving myself and compassion. Six months later (this took awhile) but I did break up with him. I do have power :) I still am a work in progress though. It’s really not about him or him or him lol, it’s about me me me. I still have feelings of unworthiness,undeservingness, un everything, Anxiety and fear is still with me, a small glimpse at loving myself feels so scary to me. so so scary sometimes. I can learn to love myself in baby steps.

    Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 11:37pm

  3. 3: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    “Queen of Crumbs” and “Allana Banana” I got the emails tonight after my date. You have so much love for yourselves :) I want what you have, I”ll take a crumb from the queen and a slice of banana from Allana :)

    Thursday, 11 February 2010 @ 11:44pm

  4. 4: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m crying!!!

    I’m listening to this love song and I feel so sad.

    Im thinking of my baby who chose me when we were young and he’s abusive and hurt and “bad”

    whos gonna love my baby if i leave him??

    hes the one who chose me!

    i feel so sad……

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:02am

  5. 5: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    i feel so scared!

    i feel so sad that i will abandon him to demons and hopeless ness

    i see the good in him! i want him to be happy

    i feel sooooo saddddd

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:04am

  6. 6: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    whoa!!

    I just had an interesting conversation with a guy. He popped out of nowhere on my im, i dont even know where i know him from but i remember talking to him before…

    he thought i was a whole different girl, i thought he was someone else too..

    anyway he just broke up with his gf of 2 months, and he tried to talk to me about it but i told him i dont want to talk about his ex

    i said this about 3 times

    he said i passed a test cuz his grandma had told him theres no reason to talk about your ex iwth a woman

    anayw he seemed kinda judgemental with the ex talk and the test talk and he talked a lot about himself

    but he also seemed to like me so ethat felt cool

    and i even mentioned stuff about the judgemental ness like i said it felt weird all the judgemental ness

    this is when he launched into trying to talk about the ex and i said i dont want to talk about the ex the third time

    so now he didnt want to get off the phone

    he has his own house and has 2 degrees and he keeps talking about school because hes in school some MORE and he doesnt get out otherwsie

    i felt heavy energy but at the same time i felt good energy too

    so it was interesting

    the conversation was like a whole hour even though i didnt mean to keep going

    hehe

    he didnt want to get off the phone

    i have no clue what he looks like or him me

    hehehe

    hes sending me a picture now

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:41am

  7. 7: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    hehe

    he looks like a fish with glasses on

    but cute!

    he looks like my other very charming friend who also happens to have a baby with my girl who also has a baby with my godbrother

    so im kinda avoididng getting close to charming dude although hes been so gentlemanly and charming. – because of the complications with my godbrothers girl (her first son is by charming man, who is the older brother of my friend from higschool)

    well.

    this guy looks like him

    not that theyre knockouts

    but i do feel attracted to him

    even if his head looks funny a lil bit

    hehehe

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:46am

  8. 8: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love men.

    Talk about a lover that adores me! This man I took on as a lover last summer, and I felt not very involved with him, I mean emotionally.

    He wound up moving back to another state where he had a newborn child.

    Anyway, after awhile i didnt hear from him, ok.

    Now today all of a sudden he says

    Hes so sorry about how he treated me like what we had was nothign and how hes grown so much and is a new man and I don’t deserve that

    and hes coming in the summer

    and how he adores me and im a good girl and really the way he treated me was messed up and he feels so guilty about it and it doesnt line up with his values.

    ANd im like…um… thank you papi lol.

    I was not really trippin but he was. Which was different and kinda nice. Although in a lot of things he seemed real feminine energy and i had to kick back A LOT. But i think he was masculine energy too.

    SO yeah. that was fun today.

    Now I have a Valentines date that my judging mind says has mega low self esteem. He keeps putting himself down and I have had to tell him several times that I feel turned off by him putting himself down.

    hmph

    then theres a man in Barbados who tells me he loves me but then said. That all? when I sent him a kiss back… ooh that didnt feel good… grrr

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:15am

  9. 9: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    oooh roll it girl control it girll oohhh

    i have a man wants to come see me tomorrow after 4 30

    and i have my wonderful Goddess meeting at 7

    we are doing Isis and Ishtar

    I feel sleepy

    ohhhh

    roll it girl controlit gal

    mmm

    i got a chance to edit my acupuncturist doctor’s advertisement, so I felt real glad I could do that since I am now no longer his regular client, just coming in as i need to.

    but i do feel certian i will cure my urinary affection in a few days

    yay

    then

    i will do more good stuff to prevent it

    like learn Maya Abodminal Massage

    you know what was interesting? when my former lvoer from another state contacted me today, I felt turned on! like my body started thinking about sex and him hehe

    hormones! there we go.

    I also had an easier time having sex with dman the first time around then I think because I had been having sex with state jumping man before hand.

    ohhh

    jumping state man is in college. i told him im proud of him hehe.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:23am

  10. 10: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I wore two hoodies over a house tshirt and jeans with old jordans

    my mom thought i looked Great. That is because im Radiating mega in the body goddess energy now

    and filling up with juicy energy from the earth

    but then I had a market research thing where i tricked them and said i have an iphone and i dont, and we actually had to have it in there, and i felt so gulity, my mom has an iphone

    ohhhh

    i felt so tightend up and ashamed! i actually then felt bad about feeling so ashamed it took hours!

    i still feel stabbed

    oh yeah

    so waht to the fears

    IM like geez why am i punishing myself so bad?

    I tried to make myself feel better by remembering the Trickster Fairy and her Delight and Joy she brings.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:26am

  11. 11: LoriNo Gravatar says:

    Daria,

    Just curious how you came up with the nickname “state jumping man” lol

    Go to a health food store and get some D-mannose. It’s a simple sugar that gets absorbed in the bladder and attracts the UTI bacteria. They detach from the bladder wall and attach to the D-mannose and your body flushes everything right out. If you are prone to UTIs, take one daily like a vitamin as a preventative. It’s all natural and doesn’t get absorbed into your bloodstream like other sugars do.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 6:05am

  12. 12: Simply ShannonNo Gravatar says:

    Men come and go. I am mine forever.

    So dang true. Subscribing for now.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 6:19am

  13. 13: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Who hasn’t been here: “I want to move on but my heart is still On Hold for him.

    I know it will get me nowhere to try and reach out to him and ask. If this had been the other way around, I wonder what he would have done? Would he just have said he “understood” and back off?”

    My heart goes out to Alice because I think soooo many women know just exactly how that feels. There were times when I wished I had been the first to walk away so I could see how he would have reacted…but we can’t turn back time. Alice can walk away now though…if she starts walking…really walking her own walk her own way and with other men, her heart will follow. Not right away, but it will follow.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 6:46am

  14. 14: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I was the one who walked out on my first husband. The pain and the tears in his eyes nearly broke my heart. He wasn’t a bad guy at all. A good one really but not for me. When a man’s smell no longer turns me on, I know it’s over. This is what happened here.
    I don’t know where the courage came from, or maybe I was so young, 21, and just didn’t worry so much about things.
    I have never been able to do that again since.
    The next time I was faced with this situation, and this one was a REALLY messed up guy, it took years to walk out and only when he instigated.
    He’s regretted it ever since, but I thanked him for my freedom.
    Two weeks later K and I were brought together again on a blind date, or I should say reunited. We had known each other ten years prior. Our matchmaker had no idea.
    Talk about universal meant to be energy.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 7:49am

  15. 15: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    I find it infinitely fascinating how hard it is for so many women to let go of a not good for us situation. Do we really think that no one will ever want us again though these men don’t really want us? Do we really feel no one will love us again even though this isn’t really love?
    Alice’s plight is all too common.
    xxoo

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 7:53am

  16. 16: SherryNo Gravatar says:

    It has been a month since my non-existent relationship ended. We have had very little contact since then. I’m almost positive he is seeing someone new. But, as Alice says in the article, my heart is ON HOLD for him.

    A couple of months ago, I signed up at Match. I was determined I was going to cirrcular date! I only made it through the free 3 day trial… I was overwhelmed. I received 192 emails and I can’t remember how many “winks.” I ended up hiding my profile and just forgetting about it.

    I was inspired by Mary!! You have the courage girl! I have been through years with my unavailable man too.

    So, last night, I made a profile at POF. I thought I WILL do this! But, this morning, I am again fearful. After a night, I already have 37 emails, and I didn’t sign up until around midnight!

    I am again feeling overwhelmed. I want to cirrcular date, I want to move on, but I also know that what I really want is the man who just broke my heart. How do I begin dating when my heart just isn’t in it? How do I act interested when I’m not? How can I do that to these men? I know they are supposed to be my practice… but I don’t want to practice! Yes, a part of me is afraid, but the other part of me feels like I will be giving up on the other relationship. I’m not ready to give up yet…

    I know I can do this. I know it is what is best for me right now. Please, sirens, give me some wisdom and another way to look at all of this…

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 8:06am

  17. 17: SienaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Sherry, my heart goes out to you, because I’ve felt the same way as you. My answer to your questions would be, you just do it.

    You go on a date even if only 5% of you is present. You focus on leaning back, even if that’s the only thing that you focus on. You really TASTE the food and FEEL the ambiance of the restaurant. In other words, you focus on finding beauty in even the smallest things. Your heart will heal when it is consistently soothed with beauty.

    You date yourself. Last weekend I went to the beach and sat on a rock and watched the waves come in after a storm. I found myself feeling amazed by the beauty of the waves, and feeling afraid that it wouldn’t last. But you know what? Wave after wave came in, one more beautiful than the other, and I felt blessed that there IS such thing as beauty and happiness that is reliable.

    Every time your thoughts start to out to that man, you corral them back into yourself. Bring the energy that you are sending out to him back into yourself.

    And lastly, TRUST that the space you are creating will be filled by either this man (ie, he will step up) or someone else who is better for you.

    Stepping back, leaning back, taking care of yourself, healing your heart — is NOT giving up. In fact, it’s the most powerful thing you can do, it’s sending a clear message that you are FIGHTING for this man and this relationship.

    Love to you,

    Siena

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 8:49am

  18. 18: Starlight_29No Gravatar says:

    Some men will say anything to get what they want, i guess you just have to trust yourself and no matter what happens in life you will always have love for yourself, that loving feminine energy will attract more love, more experience….No more fear, if you just trust yourself…….

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 10:52am

  19. 19: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I stepped out of a situation like this a week ago. I felt like I was on a string. My man said he was depressed and had reached a personal crisis and needed to go through his process.

    He’d always call or text every evening, but even though I stepped up my own social life and self-dating, I still felt bad, not knowing when I’d see him next. I saw him once in five weeks and felt anxious and flaky many times. Or furious. I looked into my heart and it said ‘I’m done, I don’t want to cope with this’.

    His behaviour before this had left me feeling second-rate too, I couldn’t feel his presence and his depression became like another woman in the relationship. I gave him some numbers a while back, we had several deep talks. Or rather, he talked, I just listened. Some things he did left me feeling excluded, angry and confused, like leaving me on my own for much of Xmas day, which really was the start of my decision.

    It took me a while – I’ve had a bereavement to deal with, and I did it mostly without his support. In fact he’d shut down or even get angry when I was crying over my loss.

    I recognise the process he describes, and want him to have all the time he needs. But I don’t want to feel like I’m on hold, like I’m waiting.

    This is MY year. My sister died before Xmas, the funeral was on 23rd. I got very close to her, I looked after her, held her close. I saw how much her husband loved her and felt the joy of that bond. She was my inspiration even though she was six years younger than me.

    I signed on POF and already I have a handsome man calling me and wanting to make me happy! And I’ve received so much affirmation, laughter, love and food – yes, food lol! – from my girlfriends.

    Life actually feels brilliant – not at all the heartache I feared. Speaking out for myself felt HUGELY powerful and loving for myself, and also for him as a human being, though I had no idea that’s how I’d feel before I spoke out.

    Go girls, go!! xx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 11:51am

  20. 20: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Lori – thanks, and d-mannose RULES – completely amazing. I’ve got my 96 year old dad on it…Love, Rori

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 11:53am

  21. 21: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I learned so much about being in my truth. I knew I ‘should’ have stepped out ages ago, but I made a conscious decision to NOTICE my resistance and fears, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of loss, fear of hurting someone. To really notice my feelings, to practice communicating. Maybe that’s why, although I shed a lot of tears, it wasn’t anything like as bad as I thought. I felt relieved. And no drama, no reactivity.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 11:58am

  22. 22: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I SPOKE my ANGER and confusion and frustration too, it’s what opened up communication and closeness, even though the closeness didn’t last.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:05pm

  23. 23: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori -

    Thank you.

    I’ve used several brands of D-mannose in the past when I’ve had this issue. Unfortunately it did not work for me. (odd). I tried it all kind of ways, capsules, powder, even to the meticulous extent of having some every hour with hot water to make sure it was always in my bladder.

    Cranberries also don’t seem to work for me now for the past years. (I think I remember cranberry juice working once or twice when I got a mini UTI back in highschool/college days). When I’ve tried them. For example this last time i drank a lot of Pure unsweetedn cranberry juice from Whole foods for 3 days to Prevent it but that did not work.

    I don’t know why D-mannose and cranberries don’t work for me.

    Perhaps because my kidneys get affected as well?

    I’ve had symptom improvement with Making an Uva Ursi and Yarrow tea (very important for me to include the Yarrow).

    Now I am going to use what worked for me last month, that is the Fu Yin Tai herbal wash, and the inserts from the acupuncturist, as well as acupuncture and the teas.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:16pm

  24. 24: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lori – I call him state jumping man because he moved here to california for a few months and then moved back to indiana.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:17pm

  25. 25: Dan_BrodribbNo Gravatar says:

    Sherry – It sounds like you’re feeling a little overwhelmed by the iidea dating. Your words affected me very powerfully.

    “I am again feeling overwhelmed. I want to cirrcular date, I want to move on, but I also know that what I really want is the man who just broke my heart. How do I begin dating when my heart just isn’t in it? How do I act interested when I’m not? How can I do that to these men? ”

    This was the problem I encounted when I started dating again after my most recent break-up.

    It was made worse by the fact that I’m GOOD at dating. Which made me feel worse because I had women giving me the things I thought I needed from my ex-, and I wasn’t able to fully appreciate it or give them anything back.

    “I know they are supposed to be my practice… but I don’t want to practice!”

    I’m very much in the same place. I’ve had plenty of practice. I’m SICK of ‘practicing.’ I don’t feel the need anymore to prove to myself what a great communicator/tiger-in-the-sack/assertive/tender/provider/hero I am anymore. I know who I am and what I have to offer and I don’t need someone else to tell me how good I am at those things. What I want is a partner.

    “Yes, a part of me is afraid, but the other part of me feels like I will be giving up on the other relationship. I’m not ready to give up yet…”

    I applaud your self-awareness. Because I’m “good” at dating, it’s easy for me to use it as an escape from that “not ready to give up” feeling. And for me, it only made it worse.

    One thing that helped me has been thinking about not the feeling, but how I feel about the feeling…if that makes sense. For example, I know I’m still in love with my ex-…but I’m finding that isn’t the problem. The problem was I was ashamed and angry with myself for still being in love with her. Once I recognized that and stopped judging myself, a lot of knots in my stomach undid themselves.

    I can’t tell you whether or not circular dating is for you right now. Personally, I’m giving it up for the time being. I feel addicted to dating, and I don’t like the feeling.

    The only advice I can give you is not to worry about what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Answer the emails you feel like, and if you don’t feel like it, don’t worry about it. I’ve found that when you’re holding on to something, letting go can be tough. Instead think about ‘opening up’ and see where that takes you.

    Dan

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 12:53pm

  26. 26: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I like that, Dan – ‘opening up’.

    Not seeking, not chasing, not filling the gap. Just opening up to receive one’s own feelings and whatever the universe has to offer.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:01pm

  27. 27: Orna WaltersNo Gravatar says:

    Brava Rori! Again, you hit the nail right on the head: “You are yours forever.”

    Certainly we’ve all been where Alice is and I believe the HOLD = HOPE. Release the Hope. Its painful to do it, I know because I’ve walked that walk.

    When we stop putting up with what we do not want, we leave the space for what we truly desire to blossom.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:20pm

  28. 28: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I totally agree, Orna. There’s no way of hanging on to hope without in some way feeling smaller. Brave and honorable, perhaps – but smaller. At least that’s how I felt – and foolish, and spinster-ish.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:26pm

  29. 29: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Dan: That was really, really well said. You should make this paragraph one of your online dating profile:

    “I’ve had plenty of practice. I’m SICK of ‘practicing.’ I don’t feel the need anymore to prove to myself what a great communicator/tiger-in-the-sack/assertive/tender/provider/hero I am anymore. I know who I am and what I have to offer and I don’t need someone else to tell me how good I am at those things. What I want is a partner.”

    Who wouldn’t want to date that man???

    Heartbeat: It is soooo good to have your voice here! I know how strong you are…I’m happy to be hearing it again.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:30pm

  30. 30: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Mercedes! Good to see you and read you again too. xx

    Dan I agree with Mercedes – I feel attracted by that paragraph raaargh !

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:33pm

  31. 31: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    When my heart ached for ‘him’ I checked in to my body too. What I felt was tightness, numbness. Since I stepped out I feel turned on a lot of the time. Like – sexy y’know. And ALIVE.

    I just want to stay AWARE and SAVOUR all that I’m receiving.

    Waiting feels so very shut down.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:38pm

  32. 32: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dan I feel a little red flaggy reading that paragraph – while I feel good readint that you want a partner,

    the “I FEEL SICK of practicing” part says to me, this man views Dating as a chore, he’s not open or enjoying getting to meet people, has negativity and would probably be busy trying to pigeonhole me into his partner rather than getting to know ME as a woman

    reading it I feel wary.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:39pm

  33. 33: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat – I realize we already “talked”, yet I wanted to say hey, and it feels good to have you back as well my heart is with you through your loss.
    xxoo

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:40pm

  34. 34: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat it IS great to have you here. I psychically mentioned you a few days ago and now here you are hehe.

    yay

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:44pm

  35. 35: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    It’s interesting how we experience the same words differently, Daria – the thought accompanying my raaargh feeling is ‘here’s a guy who just wants to be himself and be loved for it’ – which is what I want. To drop any ‘practice behaviour’ and let it all hang out. Dan, not meaning to second guess you!

    Though what Rori means by ‘practice’ is something different – i.e. takes the pressure off finding the one’ or feeling closed off to new men.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:47pm

  36. 36: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Dan – ran paragraph by my friend and she said:

    “what does he want? what does he mean by partner?
    he seems bitter
    I feel attacked
    he’s a she hater”

    aah i feel a lil uncomfortable posting this.

    I don’t think you’re a she hater. I just feel wary reading it …

    doesn’t sound like you’re in love with yourself, life, or the wonderful partner you’re about to woo – to me

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:47pm

  37. 37: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat – yes i feel curious about this way of experiencing the words differently!

    I actually feel confused by it! Hmm??? wow?

    Do we like different kinds of men? would that be why we felt such a different vibe? I feel so curious to find out more about this…

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:50pm

  38. 38: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Daria! It feels fab to be back and I’m always appreciative of your links and posts and support. And it feels REALLY GOOD knowing you connected psychically with me.

    Tinque! Hi again, love your warmth and gentleness.

    Gawd I’ve missed being here!! Feel like I’m back among friends. I feel moved, truly xxxxxxxxx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:51pm

  39. 39: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, sometimes I ‘drop’ an activity or a view or a habit when I feel out of balance – like sometimes I can’t be arsed thinking about men or relationships and put on my oldest slippers and read poetry or clean my apartment. And the man who loves my oldest slippers (Cinderella can stuff her glass shoe where the sun don’t shine) with me in them, is top of my list for sure :)

    So maybe that’s what I’m reading in Dan’s words. Maybe I’m seeing me.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:56pm

  40. 40: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Ooh!! I want to be a part of the “second guessing Dan” thing!!

    I thought that was just about the sexiest comment I’ve ever seen a man write.

    (Ummm…J….if you’re reading this, your writings are not included in the above statement…)

    To me, it is a notice to women:

    Stop playing games. I don’t want fake. I don’t want pretending and I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to be a boyfriend and I don’t want to be “for now”. I am here looking for the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with as a lover, a partner, a friend and an intimate piece of my soul. If you are looking for pick-up lines and superficial conversation, I can provide that…but I’m not going to…so click on just about any other profile out here and you’ll have much better luck finding what you are looking for…

    Ok…Dan: Don’t use your comment. Use mine. I like it even better! :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:56pm

  41. 41: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I’m going to become a semi-professional profile writer. Wanna go into business with me Dan??

    LOL

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 1:58pm

  42. 42: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Has anyone else experienced Deeksha Blessing?

    I started receiving this four weeks ago – am certain it has helped me. I felt grrrreat after the first and had a healing crisis after the second. The third session felt very gentle.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:00pm

  43. 43: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Wow Mercedes – yes that’s what I ‘second-guessed’ too :)

    Write mine!! Lyribacious on POF xx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:02pm

  44. 44: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi – I feel smilingly triggered.

    Mercedes if I were to read a comment like yours on a man’s page – and I have read similar ones -

    I would feel afraid and wary instantly!

    Stop playing games. — Reaction : HELLO?? WHO are you talking to? your ex?

    tHis is ME… . you don’t know me. I don’t play games, and I dont like to be “talked” to as if I do.

    Why are you having imaginary conversations with women you don’t like instead of addressing ME a beautiful Goddess?

    Thoughts:

    I think I WILL click on another profile. Good luck attacking women with the stop being fake lines. NOT. I’m sure that will be fruitful.

    I’m sure your date will LOVE you screaming at her. STOP being FAKE! (not)

    Love starts inside, not in the people you’re yelling at.

    I HAVe talked to men who had similar profiles addressing women they didnt want.

    sometimes they continued aobut how “hoes are so messed up these days and why can’t i find a real woman…” um right…

    sometimes they did not use the word hoes.

    When I did tlak to men with profiles like this, I remember it felt depressing, and I didn’t feel seen or adored.

    WHOA I’m feeling triggered!

    I feel guilty posting this!

    This is how I feel!

    I don’t want to attack Mercedes. I still feel VERY CURIOUS about these differences we have in our responses ! and what attracts us.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:05pm

  45. 45: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Here’s a version of a man’s profile I would like:

    I love women. I love their beauty, their wisdom, the light they bring to the world. I am looking for that special one to make The One. My lady for life, my wife.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:07pm

  46. 46: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – that profile would be a red flag for me. I’ve had men tell me I’m all that – then vanish after a few weeks/months. And it doesn’t feel ‘real’ to me.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:10pm

  47. 47: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe I feel amused!

    This si INCREDIBLY interesting how we have such different feelings in response to these profiles.

    Is this due to our specific triggers and we’re manifesting what we want?

    In your case, you see a serious man who would like us when we’re down,

    In my case, I see a bitter man who’s trying to call for love by ranting at the world.

    Wow?

    wow wow!

    Hmm… i feel super intrigued.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:11pm

  48. 48: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I know, it feels interesting to me too. I’m really noticing how the two versions resonate in my body. I’m smiling my head off!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:13pm

  49. 49: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Daria…I don’t feel attacked or triggered at all, but I do LOVE your words “smilingly triggered”. :-)

    For me, this isn’t putting women down at all. It is being very direct and honest about what a man is looking for and weeding out those that don’t fit the desire. I would TOTALLY not just click on this man’s profile but probably lean forward and call him! LOL

    Now…the “hoes are messed up” stuff. Yeah…I agree…totally NOT sexy or anything I would be interested in at all.

    But a man who can be direct with what he wants…especially if he knows what he wants because he’s already done all the playing around he needs…oh yeah…I’m attracted. I’m thinking he has learned from the past and grown and now knows exactly what kind of woman he’s looking for and he’s not even curious about talking to those who don’t fit that bill.

    Sexy.

    Very, very sexy.

    The profile you put up says…loud and clear (to ME):

    “I am the most insincere man you will ever meet, but I’m really good at saying all the right things to make you think I’m great.”

    I like straight forward tell it like it is words. Not just sweet words that women love to hear. Those words can come later…when I trust him and I know he means those things.
    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:13pm

  50. 50: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t see a ‘serious’ man who’d love me when I’m ‘down’ though – I feel turned on by a man who wants to be as real as I do.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:15pm

  51. 51: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat ! wow!!

    this is CRAZY!!! exciting!!!!

    wow

    I think this IS about our triggers then!

    I feel a little wary about the profile I made too, because I would worry this man mihgt be too mushy instantly as well.

    I feel MUCH more open to him than to “ranting man” as I see ones in the other vein.

    this is so cool!!

    wow!

    ok

    another profile I would actually like:

    I love women. You light up my world. I’m a man and what man doesn’t want a woman. I’d like to meet anyone that is open to meeting me, and is cool. I’d love to get to know a beautiful woman, and I know how to treat a lady.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:16pm

  52. 52: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat: I’d be happy to write your profile for you but remind me never to introduce you to my J. CLEARLY we are attracted to the same type of man!! LOL :-)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:16pm

  53. 53: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    LOL Mercedes!!!! For once, I’m speechless lol!

    Aw it feels good to be back and I’m thoroughly enjoying the discussion.

    Hugs Daria

    xxxx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:19pm

  54. 54: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I feel very curious about what Dan thinks about this :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:20pm

  55. 55: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I think it get it for me!! I don’t like a man using words like “beautiful woman” in their profile. Tells me it’s all about looks for them and I’m sooo much more than looks! I would instantly feel like he’s looking for a trophy girl to show off and he could care less what’s in her brain.

    To me, the profile I created for Dan if he ever wants one is not about words that are meant to trick me or about focus on my looks, but more about what he REALLY wants after the looks fade and the words get deeper and more intimate.

    To me, the profiles you created say it’s all about looks and I’ll say just about anything to get a hot bod I can show off to my friends tonight.

    One says confidence. The other says cocky. I’m am totally turned on by confidence. Cocky will only get my eyes rolling and my smart mouth talking.

    Haha!

    This conversation is soooo much fun! But I can’t type fast enough to keep up! LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:21pm

  56. 56: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    I’m with ya heartbeat! Where are you Dan??? We’ve sure put a lot of words in your mouth! LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:22pm

  57. 57: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat-

    ohok. That serious man who will love me when I’m down was my interpretation of the comment about feeling arsed about men in relationships – i thought of that as down – and him liking us in our oldest slippers – i guessed oldest didnt mean the prettiest.

    Mercedes – this is fascinating!!

    I feel SHOCKED! that the profile seemed insincere to you.

    May this be in our Love Styles?

    I LOVE Words of Affirmation, and expect men I talk to praise me and compliment me and encourage me. That is very important to me.

    Also, I believe them, and it feels good. I also expect them to follow up with actions.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:23pm

  58. 58: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Come on Mercedes – you can do it – type type!!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:23pm

  59. 59: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat: LOL!!!

    Daria: I love words like that too, but only from men who know me. When a man is complimenting me (or all women) it sounds insincere because he doesn’t know me well enough to be saying those things. “You light up my world” isn’t romantic unless it is true. Saying it on a profile page means he’s saying it to every single woman who clicks on his page. Saying after he gets to know me will melt my heart.

    As far as saying “I know how to treat a lady”…show me…every guy says he knows how to treat a lady. I’m going to roll my eyes until you prove it to me.

    Actions speak louder than words and Dan’s words somehow conveyed action to me.

    WOW! This is sooo cool!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:27pm

  60. 60: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Ah Daria – my oldest slippers are MY SHAPE. And when I can’t be arsed about men and relationships what I really mean is – I have other things that fulfill me too, like my writing and my home, my work and study, my friends and spiritual practice. But I can see how my use of ‘can’t be arsed’ could be misread. Though it also expresses the wish to drop effort (which is how it feels when it’s time for change or I’m too focussed) and redirect energy into other fulfilling things.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:27pm

  61. 61: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes – the profile i made (the first one) also mentioned wisdom, and light in the world – it was not just about looks.

    Also when I think beautiful woman, I see a Goddess, not just looks. I can look beautiful mostly through the way I carry myself.

    Wow . I feel a lil sad (as a man hehe) that you think I’m insencere.

    I felt fascinated and attracted to you and I wanted to take you out and romance you! You ARE beautiful. I would love to tell you that everyday hehee.

    I don’t want just any woman. I want a REAL woman because Real women are the most beautiful. Beautiful comes from a woman’s soul and radiance.

    HAHA – I have a feeling im not attracting you here.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:28pm

  62. 62: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm..

    I like men who liek ALL women. Like their moms, grandmoms, sisters, and all women in general. that’s the light up my world comment.

    I think a man like that would be able to love me reall well, because he appreciates women in general so he will especially appreciate me in particular.

    This “kind ” of man I noticed is also more into relationships and family. Because he appreciates women and understands us more.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:30pm

  63. 63: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    There is also the “danger” that the man who loves all women will be a womanizer, or “too” romantic right away and want to get into the instant relationship and be too self sensitive – BUT theres only some like that, not all

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:33pm

  64. 64: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: I know…the profile you mentioned says lots of things. And my brain never got past the looks. Because it mentioned beauty, I tuned out every other word.

    I can look at beauty through the way I carry myself too, but men who write about it in their profiles probably aren’t thinking that same way.

    “I felt fascinated and attracted to you and I wanted to take you out and romance you! You ARE beautiful. I would love to tell you that everyday ”

    That’s an example of something I want a man to say to ME, not to every woman who views his profile.

    This explaination would probably get my interest (although I prefer zero use of the word “beauty” in a man’s profile):

    “I don’t want just any woman. I want a REAL woman because Real women are the most beautiful. Beautiful comes from a woman’s soul and radiance.”

    Because I’m guessing a woman’s profile would get a lot less attention if she said she was looking for a “hot sexy muscular wise man to buy my dinner”…

    Heartbeat: you want me to put that in your profile? Just to experiment? “Looking for a hot sexy muscular wise man to buy my dinner…”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:34pm

  65. 65: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    This is whole topic – how we read men’s profiles on dating sites.

    I remember reading somewhere – maybe it was in one of Rori’s posts or programmes or e-letters – look for the profiles that are low-key, not the ones that seek to impress.

    Personally, I find it easy to identify the men who are more into making an impression than in getting to know a real woman i.e. a woman who laughs and cries, who feels confident and nervous at the same time, who eats too much occasionally and has never been to Rio (or is that just me?), who likes the smell of sand and wonders why horses sleep standing up. I learned through experience – and through reflecting on the feelings I had when I read their words which were of wanting to prove how clever I was too. And that ain’t intimacy in my book.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:37pm

  66. 66: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OOH im putting that in mine for fun!

    Mercedes wow! Beauty is a trigger for you hmmm

    One sec – about to put the hot sexy man to buy me dinner up on my status

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:39pm

  67. 67: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Ok
    I am jumping in to the “Dan” post. I love it. I would respond to a man like that. Not at all offended.
    That’s my two cents worth. I agree with you Mercedes.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:39pm

  68. 68: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Don’t you dare, Mercedes!!! LOL!!!!

    Though I could have an alternative profile and let you all know what happens :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:41pm

  69. 69: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: You crack me up!! OMG! I’m laughing sooo hard. PLEASE…tell me the results from that line!! haha!!

    Heartbeat: You don’t need me…that is beautiful. But…J and I are going to Rio (I think late 2010). He has a home there and I’ve never been. Again…remind me never to introduce you…. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:42pm

  70. 70: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl, you’re third in the queue :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:42pm

  71. 71: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    That’s astonishing, Mercedes!!! I just wrote that off the tip of my brain!

    LMAO :) This is great fun. Daria, keep us posted you minx xx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:44pm

  72. 72: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hmm… Interesting. I think that men who mention beauty in their profiles Are looking that way… as radiance. I feel glad about this whew.

    I think the word beautiful hold a lot. I might feel differently about “pretty” or “good-looking.”

    My Goddess friend that I am running these profiles by out of context thinks that it may be a cultural thing -

    she says Dan’s profile : is real intellectual, probably has a bunch of degrees

    and the second one of mines: more like just yeah tis is whats up. the end.

    She said she felt triggered and much more attracted to the second one.

    So that is interesting too. Even tho she does date men with degrees and has them herself. hm..

    Im going to make a “degreey” profile that i would like

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:46pm

  73. 73: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Turtle Girl: Thanks for helping us send the message.

    Dan: You’ve got women lining up here……

    Daria: I’ve been a “Barbie Doll” (for my ex husband). His friends all liked me. He thought I was hot. But if I ever said anything intelligent, he was threatened and would get defensive and talk down to me. I’ll never put up with that crap again. Yes, I want a man to appreciate what I look like. Yes, I take care of myself and take pride in my own looks. But that’s all way down on the list of things I want a man to love about me. I have no patience or time for men who focus on beauty. Those men will (or at least SHOULD) disappear after the first new wrinkle.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:46pm

  74. 74: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    HEHEHEEEE!!!!!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:47pm

  75. 75: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh gosh to me Mercedes Beautiful triggers “soul and body beautiful”

    oh that sounds awful! I feel so glad you are doing so much SO SO SO much better now! You are absolutely intelligent – and I know you know this – wow I feel FURIOUS AND HOT FACED thinking about it

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:49pm

  76. 76: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Maybe it is Daria, I don’t know – all I know is I feel so damned HOT I might have to go and have a bubble bath :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:50pm

  77. 77: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Daria: That’s it I think! It’s like smart and successful vs what’s up. I totally agree. And when a guy says “yeah…what’s up” (or wassup) to me…I’m not turned on.

    But…if he’s successful and smart and confident and secure (with good grammer. LOL). OMG! Yeah…

    And physical beauty is very, very important to me (too important sometimes…it scares me to grow old) but it is, again, the LAST thing I want my man to fall in love with.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:52pm

  78. 78: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    (referring to the degree-sy stuff you wrote earlier Daria)

    Damn, now I can’t type fast enough….

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:52pm

  79. 79: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Degreey profile:

    I think women are best summed up in one phrase my grandmother used to say: “The light of a woman comes from her heart. There is no dark corner she cannot illuminate.” I am looking for my special lady to light up my life.

    ok hehe kinda corny a lil bit for me.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:54pm

  80. 80: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Age – yes – for me that’s a factor. I like sharing the wry humour that comes from sharing the need for a nap in the afternoon and comfortable pants :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:54pm

  81. 81: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Gotta sign off girls. I have about an hour or two of work to do (been goofing off too much this afternoon again…). Then I have a date with my man and a treadmill at our favorite gym. Then date with my man and an after workout shower at home. Then a date with my man for a late dinner at a very yummy restaurant. Oh…and I have theater tickets this weekend! Going to see STOMP!

    YAY for ME!! :-)

    Daria: Smart men don’t quote their grandmothers! LOL Just kidding. You have a wonderful evening.

    Same goes for all of you lovely ladies. I have a training session starting again on Monday, so…very much doubt I will be online again for several weeks. But it has been fun, I’ve missed you all, and I hope to at least be able to subscribe so I can read comments from my phone. Maybe even comment a time or two.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 2:59pm

  82. 82: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Have a wonderful weekend Mercedes, and have that man of yours cloned, washed and sent to my tent lol!! xx

    I must be away shortly too – have really enjoyed the discussion and hope to be back again soon. Bedtime here in Blighty again (by the way I appreciate other Brits being on here too, and having that same ‘sent to bed early’ feeling due to time difference).

    But not just yet :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:04pm

  83. 83: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol:

    How about A phrase Thomas Edison used to say: smart women light up the world like a lightbulb!

    hahahaha

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:04pm

  84. 84: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    bye Mercedes!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:04pm

  85. 85: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    PS Mercedes – thanks for OK-ing my profile xx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:05pm

  86. 86: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Wow I leave for a little bit, and such a flurry of activity.
    I’m with Miss M, the looking for beauty as in physical beauty would be an immediate turn off.
    I’m so much more than what I look like, and sadly, as much as I fight it, it won’t last.
    I want the kind of man who would say this, “When you’re eighty and all wrinkly, I have no doubt that you will still turn me on.”
    Oh yes, I have that man.
    I liked Dan’s what has now turned into a profile. It’s different, and he tells the truth. It’s evident he’s weary of the canned lines.
    Pretty words only ring true when they come from the mouth of someone who already loves and adores you.
    xxoo

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:12pm

  87. 87: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Tinque – “Pretty words only ring true when they come from the mouth of someone who already loves and adores you.”

    Yes, yes and YES xx

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:16pm

  88. 88: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    No no and no! pretty words ring true because i believe them about myself and i KNOW the world sees it!

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:19pm

  89. 89: tinqueNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – I LOVE this.
    “The light of a woman comes from her heart. There is no dark corner she cannot illuminate.” I am looking for my special lady to light up my life.”
    xxoo

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:20pm

  90. 90: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I’m feeling playful and also a little sad. This is what moving around in feelings is like for me – I feel full of fun, totally absorbed in laughter and the subject at hand, I feel a sort of crescendo, then I notice tension in my body and swing around to a different feeling, and thoughts, and the need for a hot drink, and memories. I feel elated and playful and sad – and all of it is true.

    “It’s good to be alive”

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:22pm

  91. 91: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I’m reflecting on why I’ve always carried extra weight. I ‘should’ lose about 20 pounds, though I’m active and don’t eat to excess. Though, actually, I love my body – now.

    At school I was a grade A student, always one of the top six in my year. I remember the look of horror on my tutor’s face when, at age 15, I announced my favourite Xmas present was a book on How To Be a Model.

    Intellectually, I can say there should be no discrimination in beauty and intellect etc etc. But the truth is – I wanted to be loved. And I believed being beautiful would get me love. It was embarrassing to be clever – clever girls weren’t interested in boys and didn’t wear mascara.

    I can laugh when I think of Miss Dodd giving me a dressing down for snogging Michael stephens behind the conifers. But really – I was just desperate to be loved.

    So I put on weight. I didn’t feel worthy of love or of keeping love. It’s only now, and gradually over the last couple years, that I’ve really got to like myself, and my shape, and stopped hiding under baggy clothes – that I actually particularly love my curves and curls and freckles and slightly wonky smile – that I feel beautiful. But it’s a different ‘beautiful’ that comes from inside me, and that’s the gift of those extra pounds.

    Only now I feel a little wary – in case they fall off and then I have to contend with being SLIM. Holy cow…

    Though wierdly – my SHAPE is actually better than it’s ever been, like my proportions have changed. Hmmm…. interesting.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 3:41pm

  92. 92: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, What is the Trickster Fairy?

    Hmmm: “Dan I agree with Mercedes – I feel attracted by that paragraph.” I actually feel UNattracted by that paragraph because I feel anger and frustration in it. I wonder if there IS anger and frustration in it, or if it just mirrors my OWN anger and frustration about feeling the same way Dan does. Oh, I see Daria felt red flaggy about it too!!

    Daria said: “doesn’t sound like you’re in love with yourself, life, or the wonderful partner you’re about to woo.” That is how I feel when I feel how Dan feels about dating — I feel like I am not loving a part of myself and my life. I want to love ALL of myself and my life, therefore I don’t want to feel angry and frustrated about having to date. Hmmm. I don’t HAVE to date! But I tell myself I have to. That is a story I am telling myself, that is not true. I can CHOOSE to date, but I don’t HAVE to. So if I choose to date, why feel angry about something I am choosing?

    Mercedes, your rewrite for Dan sounds like TONS of men’s profiles I have read, and they always feel icky to me. I feel curious about that. It feels like “the man doth protest too much, methinks.” It does not feel like confidence to me — it feels like false confidence.

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:38pm

  93. 93: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    “looking for a hot sexy muscular wise man to buy my dinner” Sounds good to me!! I recently changed my profile headline to “If you are smart, sexy, fun, and spiritual, I am looking for you. :)” and FINALLY I am getting exactly what I have been looking for!!! I stopped trying to pretend I wasn’t looking for someone who was smart, sexy, fun, and spiritual. That is what I am looking for, and I am finding it is MUCH better to just SAY it!!! The quality of guys responding has gone through the roof — the ones who KNOW they are smart, sexy, fun, and spiritual and are not afraid to admit it, are showing up. It’s great!! It tells them I know what I’m looking for, and they weed themselves out so I don’t have to. :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:47pm

  94. 94: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Oh, and one guy who I had one date with a few months ago (who I am not really interested in), saw my new headline and emailed me: “You are still the smartest, sexiest, most fun, and most spiritual woman I have ever met.” :)

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 4:50pm

  95. 95: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy! Awesome!

    I felt inspired by your post and I rewrote the hot muscular man to:

    In my own words: open to meet a confident. non-judgemental. wise. sexy. powerful man. that wants to please me.

    PS – I did get a “lol” comment on my origina hot muscular headline hehe

    Friday, 12 February 2010 @ 5:07pm

  96. 96: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy – wow that’s great! I believe we do get what we want when we’re clear what we want, and don’t want.

    For me, that’s a man who can express his feelings, including anger and frustration. xx

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 12:51am

  97. 97: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I remember a few years ago feeling frustrated on a dating site and wrote something outrageous on my profile – and I got loads of responses from men who loved the ‘down-to-earth HUMOUR’ and HONESTY in my words. Which was great, because after I’d really got into the frustrated feeling I moved to ‘hell, just let it all hang out’ – and I remember laughing to myself, and with myself.

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 1:00am

  98. 98: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lucy -

    the Trickster fairy is the archetype of the trickster… a little mischievous elf, Puck in Midsummer’s night’s dream, a flash eyed lil girl, Hermes the messenger and thief, the fox, the rabbit i think in some african tales, ummm… theres another i think I was thinking of but the Trickster Fairy stole my thought away!

    hehehe

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 1:56am

  99. 99: Starlight_29No Gravatar says:

    Im slowing starting to get a hold of saying how you feel tool, last week i went on a date it was awful and i was so angry and Disappointed but i didnt deal with it very well, i didnt use my tools and ended up in a agument with him on the way home in front of his friends! I was so mad that i told him i never want to see him again, but he keeps calling and txting.

    He kept on calling me over the last week and asking to see me again, i keep saying no, yesterday he called me again and asked me why i dont call him and what is the matter?
    I told him i feel angry and let down and disappointed, he said he is sorry and asked me how he can fix that, i said by treating me like a lady when were on a date, he said ok when can i take you out on a date again? I said i will let you know when im free, he said ain’t you free this weekend?
    I said no i need advance notice as i have other things to do, he said ok let me know when your free and i will call you tomo.

    In reflection i know that what happend was wrong i could have expressed myself better and i felt guilty at myself….but im over it now do you think it’s a good idea to give this guy another chance even if its to use my tools and find out about myself??

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 4:50am

  100. 100: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight-

    I have been on dates before when the guy did something disrespectful. You did not say what it was he did. I guess whether you go out with him again depends on that in my book.

    Some guys are just clueless clods and need to be informed-we teach people how to treat us. But if they continue the same behavior in my book its a no go and hit the turn Jack. That’s what happened to me and toxic man. He just kept repeating bad behavior and I always felt awful. It wasn’t gonna ever be any different. But some men will snap to if you let them know under no uncertain terms that you won’t tolerate whatever it is he is doing.

    Can you share what happened?

    Also-I don’t personally think it is all that bad (depending) to tell a guy you never want to see him again. Bye-Adios Don’t call me-Hit the road.
    As long as you follow it up by your actions. Sounds like to me that you WANT to see him again.
    Love,
    Turtle

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 9:26am

  101. 101: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat-
    Can you share with us what you wrote that was so outrageous? We all need a good laugh too! You go girl!

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 9:28am

  102. 102: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Lol Turtle Girl! It was something like ‘Old Slapper seeks Hot Dude, baldness acceptable’ :)

    Hard to beat a bit of British irony – it got me about twenty replies, all from men who appreciated the wit, and some of the most fun and interesting dates I’d had with smart men and no losers. xx

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 9:43am

  103. 103: Starlight_29No Gravatar says:

    Well we was going out on a date to nice bar/ restruant and he wasnt dressed correctly and he was in blue faded jeans with trainers/sneekers a black jacket and a black beenie hat, i told him he wouldnt be able to get in like that and i was right, it was embarrasing getting turned away at the door like that.

    SO he took me to his local bar were all his friends, family and ex’s were hanging out and kept leaving me to mingle with them but got jealous when alot of men started surrounding me and asking me for my number. He’s friend was dropping me home and we had to sit in the car while we waited for him to say his goodbyes, while sitting in the car his friend hit on me telling me he really likes me and would like to know if i had been with his friend before and if not want’s my number!
    I declined
    then my date came flang open the passenger door and told me to sit at the back of the car, i was so mad i told him we have been waiting for over 20 mins for you to come out and now your teling me to sit at the back with you? i will not, im fine were i am thank you, so he says yeah and your in the bar chatting to all those men, thats when i got real upset and told him, you dont know who im associated with and i dont ask you questions so please dont make assumptions about whom im talking to………. he’s friend the driver asked him were to drop me off, he said i dont what she’s doing drop me home! so thats were i kicked off and told him about his self, he tried to apologise but i was’nt hearing it i was soooooo mad.

    he called me 10 mins after i got in to ask if im ok i told him im fine he said will i see you again i said no

    yet he is still calling and txting wanting to know if he can see me because he really likes me and he’s sorry.

    I didnt use my tools at all and was very agressive and a lil drunk, im wondering if i should give it a second try not just for him but so i can practice what i have been learning and see the outcome?
    This is our second date the first one was fine we met for about an hour.

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 10:17am

  104. 104: Starlight_29No Gravatar says:

    why is it when you out in a club or a bar with a man sexy men wanna be all over you, but when your with your girls only a few odd guys wanna come over LOL

    I think i need to go out by myself :-)

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 10:23am

  105. 105: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight-
    This guy sound like he is very young and clueless.
    He did act disrespectfully in many ways. If it were me I would use him as practice. Practice my goddess skills and not care whether he is the one for you or not. Plus it has been my experience that when alcohol is involved things often hold the potential to go sideways. Not judging you at all, that’s just my opinion. I don’t drink and I find that my dates go a lot better. Booze just messes with my emotions and there is no clarity and no honesty. I am not myself and my goal is to be honest and true to myself and my feelings 100% of the time.

    Sound like this guy likes the fact that you stood up for yourself-he is calling you back – so what the heck-who knows-be casual and see what happens.
    Good luck to you – we are all learning.

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 10:29am

  106. 106: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight I’d have felt dismayed if a guy showed up having not paid attention to the right dress for the venue (personally I like casual, but that’s not the point) – I mean, if he’s invited me to a nice bar and then turns up in trackies – well I’d just feel confused.

    And I’d have been embarrassed to be left drifting among his familiars. He sounds young and arrogant.

    You gave him a good run for his money – don’t give yourself a hard time. YOU decide what YOU want (look you had chaps queueing for you!) – and be prepared to shout NEXT!

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 10:29am

  107. 107: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Heartbeat-that’s a good one….love it ….lol

    I freaking love Brits and British humor.
    I can watch Monty Python’s Holy Grail a hundred times and never get tired of it.
    OMG- “it’s only a flesh wound”…….ROFLMAO!!!!

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 10:32am

  108. 108: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I love you, Turtle Girl LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 10:42am

  109. 109: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Starlight lol!

    I can relate to this scenario as this is something that I can picture one of my exes doing and in fact he called me last nite.

    I gotta run but what I do is first of all date other men who know how to date which feels nice and I’ve come to expect that.

    Then the second thing is make no excuses for him and treat him just like another man even if my voice in my head says there is no way he will live up to it.

    For example my ex still calls me to hang out, like last nite, because he’s at his grandmas house and wiht no plan of what to do. Umm… I haven’t been showing up for that or I tell him I don’t like to go without a plan etc.

    The thing for me is to practice leaning back too, not trying to assume he won’t get it together etc. And I treat him with the same expectations I would have for a date with another sophisticated man.

    i THINK that in this situation, besides going out, there plenty more practice to be had on the phone. For example FEELING MESSAGES. I feel angry. I feel worried. I felt awful… etc. (not necessarily at once) and seeing what he says.

    Saturday, 13 February 2010 @ 12:17pm

  110. 110: Starlight_29No Gravatar says:

    Well i will give him another chance, if he shows me he is serious, if he turns up not dressed aproriately for were we are going on our date then i will tell him how im feeling whatever it is im feeling at that time, without being judgmental or harsh and i will go home…….. NO i will take myself out lol

    Sunday, 14 February 2010 @ 5:28am

  111. 111: AnitaNo Gravatar says:

    Where are my comments? And the comments by “Proud?” Have they been knocked out? I came back looking for feedback… Hmmmm…..

    Wednesday, 17 February 2010 @ 8:20am

  112. 112: EllieNo Gravatar says:

    Wow! This is the first time I checked this blog out and right away found so many comments that hit home. I was having a long-distance relationship with my highschool sweetheart for 3 years. In those 3 years of emailing, texting, telephoning he only came to town to see me 2 times. The last time, this past January, we had an awesome time. After he got back to Seattle, he called me and we talked for an hour, mostly him complimenting me in every way. Telling me how wonderful and beautiful I was, etc. etc. Well, it’s been 3 weeks now and I haven’t heard a word from him, no emails, texts, nothing. I’m holding on as hard as I can and trying not to call him or email him. I suppose it’s over, but I haven’t excepted that yet. When he came into town in January he looked at lots and met with a builder, saying he was moving back to Missouri. A friend of mine told me he sounded just like a narcissist personality. He has 2 grown children, and 5 grandchildren and they all have not spoken to him in 5 years. ????? I’m heart broken over this extremely attractive man and how he said he loved me so many times. Am I a fool?

    Wednesday, 24 February 2010 @ 8:22am

  113. 113: MellisaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    my ex fieance and I have been together for 5 years he has been in my life for 10, through the 5 years we have split up about once a year then always get back together. This last time that I moved out of the house I moved back to my home town were my family is my ex and I talk on the phone still we have been trying to be best friends still cuz he always has been. During this 6 month period I have met someone else, my ex did as well. I bought one of your programs and the last two weeks I have been doing all of the things a Siren would do, trying it out on my ex and this new guy that I have been talking to well the out come has been that my Ex has been beging my to come back home and telling me that I am the only one for him and he will do what ever it takes to get me back. On the other hand the new guy has not backed of and we dont see eachother as often but he calls me three to five times a day. Some of my family tell me that I dont need to go back to my ex and dont believe what he is saying and that he already had his chance. I feel really confused and I dont really know what to do will you help guid me in a direction, Please!
    Sincerly, Mellisa

    Wednesday, 24 February 2010 @ 11:11am

  114. 114: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Ellie, Welcome, and you can’t be heart broken over a man who has never been yours. This is almost a game he’s playing, he has clearly no intentions toward you…can you forget about him and Circular Date? I know this sounds harsh – but I just don’t want you putting your life on hold for an imaginary relationship. See how the Bachelor has an “awesome” time with ALL the girls? Doesn’t mean a thing for the long haul. Love, Rori

    Friday, 26 February 2010 @ 10:50am

  115. 115: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Mellisa – Welcome – and don’t make ANY decision – just keep dating both of these men until one puts a ring on your finger, gives you a wedding date and you feel absolutely SURE inside you that this man is the best bet for you for the long haul. Words are cheap. Action is very different. Marriage is the only answer for some men. I’m so glad you’re working with the tools, because fighting and breaking up are a two-way street. If you clean up YOUR end of it – the whole world opens up for you. Love, Rori

    Friday, 26 February 2010 @ 10:52am

  116. 116: EllieNo Gravatar says:

    “Rori, thank you so much for the insight. You are so right. I have been reading the book “Malignant Self-Love, narcissism revisited” recommended by a friend and my long-distance boy friend is listed on all the pages, even the part about how his grown kids have abandoned him years ago because of his actions. He’s basically alone; just his job that makes him look so important and his looks. Why did it take me so long to see this? Thanks again for your advice.

    Saturday, 27 February 2010 @ 10:13am

  117. 117: AliceNo Gravatar says:

    I appreciate the advice you’ve given me, and am taking it very much to heart. In case the other gals who answered me here wanted to know something more about things, in regards to my reactions to his “pulling away” from me, I was asked in a number of his texts and emails for “understanding and patience” for his stressful situations, and to “believe, don’t be mad.” Tho everything in me wanted to cry out and run to him, tell him to stay with me and I would comfort him as I always had, and believe me, there were many times last summer I stayed up all night answering his anxiety-ridden texts, laments and lonely, abandoned feelings, and numerous other problems that had beset him in his difficult dealings with these wild divas he was working with – I had to sort thru each of these situations and offer solace and advice, bolstering his confidence, calming him down when he feared the worst things, I did not feel as tho he was giving me any choice in his recent actions – he had laid down the reasons to me of his “pulling away for the moment,” and was not opening it to any discussion or wanting to hear my feelings. I was torn between wanting to hold onto him, cry out and reaffirm feelings which we always expressed and letting him say his thoughts and respect them as such. I may never know his reasons, if all of them were explained then, or saved for another day. I still miss him very much, even tho it’s hard to reconcile the recent events with those soft and tender feelings. It remains a puzzle.

    Saturday, 27 February 2010 @ 1:33pm

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