Reviving a Dead Relationship

We’ve been talking so much about dating – I wanted to talk about what happens in a long-term relationship, a marriage – when the connection gets so damaged it dies.  Here’s a letter from Jane:

“Rori, My marriage is dead. I am sad to say I don’t even know if I want to try and revive it. It seems impossible. I have changed so much after 19 years and I am a completely different woman and I feel I have outgrown him. We have 3 kids and that’s what keeps me here. I don’t have a job or a degree either and so I feel trapped. Jane”

And here’s my answer:

Basically – you’ve answered your own question.

First – Getting a part time job, or working towards a degree or some training for a job or business you would like (you can do it online or in the evenings) is the steps that will make you feel the best. Once you are no longer so dependent on your husband and have something outside the home you’re interested in – things will change for you.

This is basic “Purpose on the Planet” (from my friend Phyllis Chase, on my Commitment Blueprint program) exploration for you to do.  This is my “Out The Window” Tool.

It’s absolutely essential to have your own life, your own happiness, before you can connect or reconnect with another person.

It builds your confidence.  It makes you feel grounded.  It changes your “vibe” hugely and quickly.

Being focused on your children isn’t enough (I know – I fell into that one myself – which is why I found myself up all night nearly every night writing my novels.  I had a “calling” – and so do YOU).  This is about you’re exploring what it is you love to do, what makes you feel good inside, and then DOING that thing and discovering how to do it, and the pure sheer enjoyment of it.

And as you enjoy what you’re doing (and yes – this is in a Masculine “doing” sense) you’ll start to feel successful in your life – and – something happens then.  You start to become successful out in the world!

This is where you find WORK that has to do with what you feel GOOD at, and what you enjoy.

My husband is a business coach for entrepreneurs, and I know from watching him and following his work and teleclasses that ALL of us so easily pigeon-hole ourselves.  We are almost WIRED to be STUCK.  Stuck in all kinds of ways.

We find it hard to MOVE.  We find it hard to get out of our comfort zones, even though those comfort zones are all about PAIN.

My Tools are baby-steps to get you moving out of that comfort zone slowly, and then as quickly as you can – so you’re leaping out of it and discovering some real joy in that.

My husband’s clients instinctively don’t want to “do the work” required to become successful – and that’s why he coaches – his job is to light a fire under a business “wanna-be” and hold their hand and take them through the process of getting a good job that pleases them or starting a business that actually makes money.

if you feel unsuccessful at that – if you have no means of supporting yourself, it so totally damages your self-esteem, that all we feel towards a man who’s supporting us financially but not giving us what we need emotionally is RESENTMENT – right along with feeling grateful.  And that’s just a majorly horrific combo: resentment/gratefulness.

In an atmosphere of resentment (that we desperately try to balance by tuning into our gratefulness) – we completely BLOCK all emotional connection.  We just can’t break through the wall of fear we put up for ourselves – that even an honest CONVERSATION with a man could lead to disaster.

People would rather cheat on their spouses than truthfully talk about what’s going on in the marriage. That really shows you where the fear is.  Even the most brave of us – where love and security is concerned – would often rather lie than take a chance with the truth.

And the lie destroys our sense of well-being.

Jane – you’re living a lie, and that’s making you feel horrible.

Whether you’ve actually “outgrown” your husband is not even the point, here.

Sometimes, I think I’m more “evolved” than my husband.  And then we sit down and have a deep conversation about a difficult issue – and I’m just so amazed at the depth of his insight and willingness to participate  that I fall in love all over again.

It’s sort of – I have my specialties.  But I have my weaknesses, too – the comfort zones where I’d rather hang out and be “judgmental” of everyone else because I’m afraid to feel what I feel or to express what i feel.

And I can tell you honestly, that if I use the right, truthful words, and I really speak what I FEEL instead of what I “think” – amazing things happen.

Often, we have a wall up with a person without even knowing we have a wall up with that person (I know this is true for me) – and when we sink into our own feelings and then speak from there – that wall comes down, and we discover we actually DO have a connection with that person.

You are still there, in that marriage – for some reason. You are being kept there by not having found work that pleases you and pays you, or going to school, or taking some kind of classes to get a degree or real information that would HELP you find work that pleases you.

Perhaps you are there until you can find that work that pleases you.

Perhaps you are there until you can break through that wall of judgment and disconnection and FEEL again.

Perhaps you are there until you can FEEL, and then SPEAK your feelings.

Perhaps you are there until the energy shifts enough for you to be able to physically touch him in a connected way, and for him to feel invited to touch you.

Once you’ve worked with these ideas, you’ll have a whole NEW set of options.  You won’t feel so trapped and stuck. You can CHOOSE this marriage or choose another option.

Often, we stop feeling. We stop feeling, and we stop talking. And we stop touching.

And we just don’t know how to start again.

We fall off our horse and don’t have the energy or the will to climb back on.  So we just stand there. We walk in circles, day in and day out.

We feel paralyzed, and then we feel comfortable feeling paralyzed. Everything comes to a standstill.

The Tools and ideas here are a start for you to put some grease in the moving parts of your life, and some juice in the engine.

Your horse is there.  Waiting patiently, stirrups ready. The landscape is new and uncharted before you. Go.

Let me know how this works for you, Love, Rori

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173 Comments to “Reviving a Dead Relationship”

  1. 1: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    FIRST POST
    HOOYEAHHHHH

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 2:07pm

  2. 2: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    This post feels intriqing to me. I’m using baby steps one step at a time to feel, grow and use feeling messages.

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 6:00pm

  3. 3: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “Perhaps you are there until the energy shifts enough for you to be able to physically touch him in a connected way, and for him to feel invited to touch you.”

    I feel interested that we can touch him in a connected way… and it’s not leaning forward. Is this if its spontaneous? what’s the difference?

    I used to hold back some on the touching to avoid leaning forward…

    I also used to hold back on the compliments (you look handsome,) until I was being complimented… i have been experimenting NOT holding back and am feeling authentic and that it allows me to express my warmth…

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 6:18pm

  4. 4: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Daria experimenting feels good. It’s one of Rori’s 6 E’s…

    6E’s- Explore, Experiment, Experience, Engage, Express, Expand.

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 6:58pm

  5. 5: MickiNo Gravatar says:

    What an appropriate post for me to read. I am in a very similar situation as Jane–disconnected from my husband and no longer “in love.” Lately I’ve been thinking about going back to school–I never finished college and I’ve been a SAHM for 13 years. Now I found out that we are going to have to move–again. We’ve only lived in this city for a year and still have unpacked boxes in the garage. My husband’s job has always required us to move a lot. This is one reason I’ve been home with the kids–I never get a chance to get settled and focus on me. He was able to get his MBA after we got married because I was always home with the kids. I hate being dependent. Financially, I have a great life with my husband because he makes good money, but I wish I could take care of myself. I feel hopeless and trapped.

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 7:29pm

  6. 6: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    It feels so very good to be 1) making more money than previous and 2) slowly getting myself on a track to a truly rewarding and fulfilling career. It doesn’t feel that great to be dealing with the new headaches that come with it–rearranging my life, yet again, to accommodate the most recent changes to things. I am going to have to disappoint someone who I care for very much, someone who has become a great friend and mentor to me. And I dread doing this. But I simply will not be able to give this individual what is needed any longer. I have to focus on what I need.

    Maybe there is a solution to this problem that isn’t all-or-nothing. All I know is that there’s a large chunk of my energy floating out there, and I am going to need all my strength for the upcoming months and years.

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 9:58pm

  7. 7: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    I love the post.
    In my community,women are programmmed that when the time comes we are to get married and have the children and take care of the man…..and so youhave this in your head since you were a kid..and you see the way your dad treats your mum and you take it in..
    No wonder i have somuch low self esteem and confidence…its because in the back of my mind i stil believe its never about me but about the guy i will end up with and the children we’ll have…and so intead of chasing my dream,i was chasing after this man and this children and this house…and so when a guy shows even the most remote of affection i chase it like a prized possesion and if it seems to get away i feel lost because in my eyes that was my goal..
    I ve really been wondering if i even really want that,or is there something else something better…a more wondeful relationship with my friends and family,a good and stable career,and a romantic relationship perharps..something real.
    i love this post because i realize now i really need to focus on me and my goals,make myself a better and more fulfilled person,then a good relationship will follow.

    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 10:31pm

  8. 8: searchingwithinNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, I felt like the only person in the World that has experienced the resentment/gratitude thing. I have recently found myself with my back against the wall, and have had to rely on others for help. This makes me feel like a failure, and also like my back is pushed even further against the wall. I feel grateful that these people have been here to help, and I shudder to think of what may have happened if they hadn’t…I am lucky, but on the same token I feel controlled, and I resent them terribly for that. I feel inferior, and I resent them for that. But then I feel guilty for resenting someone who has extended their hand to help me. And those emotions go round and round the merry-go-round. It is destroying the relationship even though I love them with all my heart, but I can’t stand the site of them, or to be in their presence. My body goes tense from the tippy top of my head to the tippy tip of my big toe just to be around them, while I am in constant look out for an exit.

    It is the most horrible feeling.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 5:40am

  9. 9: ABCNo Gravatar says:

    My dog died yesterday, in my arms, after many hours of fighting the bite wounds and trauma that caused by my neighbor’s dogs.

    i held her, and I said goodbye, i’ve been crying.

    i had a dream of her last night, she became a butterfly.

    she’s such a lovable, and curious little dog. she’s curious about everything, she loves to smell flowers, loves to play with other dog and kids, and never was aggressive towards other dogs.

    i’d never forget the first time i saw her and that’s the when i fell in love with her, i knew then that she’s going to be my dog.

    i feel so bad that i couldn’t protect her from harm, and i couldn’t save her life. i am such a bad parent.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 9:56am

  10. 10: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    I feel gross and awful this morning. Only part of it is due to my being sick. I want to curl up in a ball on the floor and die. I don’t want to face reality and let go of the hopes and dreams I had for a loving future with my stupid fucking ex. Yes, that is anger and sarcasm coming up to cover my vulnerable heart. All my bravado and saying that life is so much better without him is just a fucking cover–but not a lie; it is true in several ways.

    I don’t want to let go. 5 months after moving out I am still hanging onto a hope that he’ll turn around, even though it really feels like he never will, he’s already moved on, and he’s the only one who has any power to affect the outcome. What an awful feeling.

    I feel absolutely miserable. The fact that I’m actively engaged in the process of doing everything listed in this article, in addition to seeing other men…doesn’t make me feel a whole lot better, although there is a tiny little seed of self-esteem growing in there for the future. I really, really want him to turn around and become the right man for me. I guess this shows how little I’ve really changed on the inside. I’m still carrying a fucking torch and dragging this individual along on the back of my horse–for what, so he can stab me in the back again? I feel angry. I turn around and backfist him off the horse and now he’s running after it to get back on. No, now he stops and shrugs and gives up…and my horse doesn’t want to move. Come on, I say. My horse starts walking, if slowly, through the autumn leaves that still cover the ground even though it’s spring now, through the still-bare trees. Can I force myself to not look back? No, I can’t. I turn the horse around and say to my ex, “OK, you, come with me, and you, go home.” Then the 8-years-younger version of him joins me on my horse, and the current version of him goes away by himself. Would that version of him want this version of me? Unquestionably. I haven’t changed THAT much on the inside, my withdrawal from his interests–from our common interests that had brought us together–was really a way to punish him for withdrawing from me.

    BLARGH FUCKING BLARGH. Enough of this useless head stuff. OK. I’m hung up on a motherfucker and I’m feeling very vulnerable and weak. Where does the strong come in? I want to feel vulnerable and strong–isn’t that how we’re supposed to feel? I feel like I took off my crunchy chocolate coating and now I’m just miserably melting all over the place. I want to somehow pull myself together with the strength of my core. I want to feel like my core is the nucleus of an atom, with a powerful positive charge and substantial weight, and it attracts and keeps the rest of me in place, all those delicious, erratic, emotional electrons. (Can you tell I can’t fucking wait to take chemistry again…and biology…and physics…and math?) I want to feel filled with that heaviness and strength and magnetic force, that force of nature, that primal power that could, in the wrong hands, destroy the world a million times over–but WON’T, not ever, on its own.

    Searchingwithin, I can relate to your feelings of resentment/gratitude. Wow can I ever relate. That feeling can easily turn a person into a hopeless blob of goo–and then even the goo melts away and we’re left with nothing.

    Well, fuck that, I’m reclaiming all my goo. I’ll bring the goo to the world so the world can fucking celebrate goo.

    My strong core attracting everything else into place…that feels like the sexual exercises I’ve been doing. It feels good to draw parallels, to live in the world of metaphor. I’m actually going to grow up to be like my mom’s boyfriend, I’m afraid…he’s a doctor and a poet, a man with a fully integrated mind, which I admire even though I really don’t agree with his politics or his not proposing to my mom. I think he is my same astrological sign, even.

    This episode of Linmayu Weirdo World has been brought to you by the letters E and F, and the number 2.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 10:16am

  11. 11: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    ABC

    I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved pet and friend. I am so happy that you had her for a time to love and to be loved by you – and that is the main point. She felt your love, you have to know that.

    A good, loving parent allows freedom as well as protection and your eyes and presence cannot be everywhere at once. It would be easy to put blame on your neighors for not keeping their own dogs in check – but I don’t know the situation – maybe they were caerless, or maybe they couldn’t be everywhere at once either.

    What I do know is that I can feel the love you had for her from where I am. All life is energy and your pet has transformed into a butterfly in a way – and I feel she is grateful to you for all you gave to her and for your loving care in her last moments.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 10:22am

  12. 12: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    I feel sad, I feel so much sadness from the Sirens.

    Linmayu, I looked at your personal page and first, you are physically stunningly beautiful and yet that is not the sum of you because you are so much beyond that – your inner presence feels to me like light, wisdom, self-reflection, humor, wit and, even, a “bad-ass.” : ) (this is a good thing). Letting go of something you believed in IS hard and yet you move forward and take the steps to transform this situation and feel the feelings. I wish I had been more like you when I was younger.

    Tracy, I got some of the messages you had about women/men as well. My mother had to live with a family just to go to high school (and this was in the 1930s – a big deal for a young girl then) so very strong, yet the message I got from my father was that a woman should be 1) beautiful 2) good in bed and 3) a good housekeeper. Even so, he is SO proud of my doctorate. I vacillate from feeling strong and independent to scared in mistrustful (relationships).

    I was sitting at a restaurant (alone – kind of typical) and listening to a group of women talk. I mean, I know that it is natural to talk about children and even brag a bit, but they NEVER got to the point of talking about themselves in any way that didn’t relate to that. I was left wondering…but who are YOU? What do you love to do? Paint, play an instrument, do carpentry? I feel that men continue to honor their separate selves from family – women often (not always thankfully) give that up too often. We need a new “culture” of thinking.

    Searchingwithin – i also remember the resentful/grateful thing. Many years ago when I was quite young, I had a BF. For some reason I hadn’t learned to drive by the age most people did and he drove me around a lot. I remember the feeling of caring for him yet resenting my dependence on him.
    I remember when I asked him to teach me. I think even he knew that part of that was to be able to leave him – but he loved me enough that he did it. We did break up. It was many years later but we came to be friends again somehow.

    I am learning to let people give to me without resenting. I figure, I love to give and it brings me joy so, perhaps, these people giving to me are experiencing joy in the process as well. I feel acceptance and gratitude and let it go. It too is a circular process.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 10:56am

  13. 13: KatjaNo Gravatar says:

    OK ladies…here comes a little success story…

    I already told you about my relationship and how stuck it was,no sex for more than one year. And now – while I am working with Rori’s ebook and Modern Siren – magic happens…we had sex the first time since over a year ago. I felt so overwhelmed I started crying. I am so much more confident and our whole relationship gets lighter and better. After his anger came out (I talked about that in an earlier comment on another post) I was able to use feeling messages to tell him how I felt and he responded so well…hugging and kissing me,telling me he loves me. Still only baby steps – but they feel huge to me. I just wanted to share that.

    Lots of love to all of you!
    Katja

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:23pm

  14. 14: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Micki – you are never really trapped but I know how awful it feels to have that perception of your life. I was so there…it hurts and it’s hard. My heart goes out to you…

    ABC – I’m so sorry for your loss…

    Linmayu – your heart is breaking and i’m very sad for you. I know it will pass…but going through it is so incredibly hard. Maybe it’s a little easier knowing we’ve all been there and some are still there?? Heartbreak can certainly be overwhelming…yet…what a lesson we learn when we lose huh?

    Tracy – did we used to live in the same city??? You said:
    “In my community,women are programmmed that when the time comes we are to get married and have the children and take care of the man”….I moved away from all of that a year ago, but YUP…that’s what we’re taught!

    Gosh ladies…I feel for each and every one of you…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:25pm

  15. 15: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    Katja – Yayyyyyyyyyy!! : ) : )

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:25pm

  16. 16: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Katja – That IS huge!!! Wow! I’m so happy for you and I love hearing success stories…Rori has certainly come up with tools that work…I love to hear about the specific people they are working for.

    Thanks for sharing with us!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:47pm

  17. 17: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Kadja
    …yay for you……that feels so inspiring so happy for you!totally shows that Rori’s tool work…

    Dock
    Yeah, i get that alot when i listen to conversation between women…and it makes me wonder…I feel different now though and i feel that the more i find what works for me in terms of my career,relationship and spiritiual life the more i am able to find myself…
    i feel that having a family and a good husband is such a good thing and its even better when i find my goals and what makes me happy alongside that…i am focusing on that now,and it feels new and sometimes confusing but i feel that i am discovering bits of me each day…

    Mercedes,
    I really feel that my past mistakes especially with men and self esteem is a result of this mentality…I feel that i neglected myself and instead of focusing on me i made relationship with guyz my primary goal…i have read wide about self esteem and confidence and the one thing that is common with all these is the reminder to focus on ourselves….and truth is that isthe one thing i really didn’t do…i felt i was being selfish,or neglectful.
    Its nice to have receive this energy from others and embrace it,to feel loved and cared for.Now that feels real…and it feels good.I feel more at peace now.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:50pm

  18. 18: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Linmayu…sending you lots of cyber hugs…hang in there..

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 12:52pm

  19. 19: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    DocK, Mercedes, Tracy, thank you for all your kind words and hugs. At least a part of me felt light and happy instantly reading your posts. It especially feels good to hear DocK call me beautiful and awesome because I feel in so much awe of her natural man-magnet-ness and can’t see myself possessing anything like that, at least not right now. I feel like I have all these great qualities but I wonder if anyone really cares. I feel all the voices around me saying, no, I want tall. No, I want blonde. No, I want 26 years old. Just looking at me and saying No with their eyes. Aaargh. I’m tired of creating this. I like Rori’s e-mail today about being his last woman, with the 100 men–I want to feel like that instead. And no classless mofos in the 100, I want to see 100 quality men knocking each other over, bringing flowers, singing, dancing, and generally peacocking around.

    ABC, I feel so sorry for the loss of your beloved dog, and so sad to hear of the cruelty of other animals. She sounded like such a sweet, loving pet and I know she is with you in the ether, flying around in butterfly form.

    Tracy, wow, the bit about how a woman’s life needs to be entirely focused around husband and children–it’s so widespread, in every culture. They worship the ideal of this self-denying madonna, but often walk all over the unfortunate woman who has completely absorbed those teachings. And whole families of women perpetuate it, they will ostracize you–and tell your children that you’re a whore–if you stand up for yourself. I won’t say who in my life did that to someone I loved, but it hurt deeply even though I wasn’t the one insulted.

    Katja, I feel SO happy to read your story. Amazing! “Men always lose interest” my ass. :)

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 1:30pm

  20. 20: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    I have a feeling this cold is either affecting, or affected by, my emotions. I feel bloated and blarghtastic and full of boogersnot that JUST WON’T LEAVE…and am feeling the same crap emotionally. Like things just aren’t moving and flowing the way they normally do.

    I imagine I won’t be sick forever, and things will eventually go back to normal–maybe even a cleaner version of normal. But I’d like that to happen like NOW.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 1:36pm

  21. 21: DorotheaNo Gravatar says:

    Linmayu, I think your poetry feels alive, like a magical painting in which you can see the wind blowing.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 4:17pm

  22. 22: LisaSarahNo Gravatar says:

    ABC: Very sorry to hear of your loss. I still am brought to tears over the dying of my kitty, when I have long gotten over the men :)

    Rori’s phrase: “We feel paralyzed, and then we feel comfortable feeling paralyzed” is a very powerful insight. I believe that is the position from which I am emerging.

    Glad to find this strong community of women searching for their truth.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 5:03pm

  23. 23: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Me HUG Linmayu. I went to acupuncture yesterday and feel a lot better.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 6:00pm

  24. 24: BetsNo Gravatar says:

    Sometimes we simply fall out of love with others when we’ve fallen out of love with ourselves. Lack of passion in our own life brings forth lack of passion in our life with another.

    Regain the passion in your own life, figure out who you are and what makes you happy. When you see beauty in yourself, that beauty seems to be more apparent in all of those around you as well.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 6:41pm

  25. 25: ABCNo Gravatar says:

    DocK, linmayu, and Mercedes,

    thank you for your support and love for her.
    i feel so much pain, people just don’t understand, it is not “just a dog.” she is a dear friend who gives me unconditional love, who’s always there for me when i needed her, always there to greet me when i came home–every time—not even your spouse or your kids do that for you….
    i never knew that i had so much tear until she passed away. I cried an ocean of tear, and still crying.
    It’s just not fair. She is such a good girl, never yells, barks, or aggressive. she loves to play with kids and other dogs. She loves banana, strawberry, orange, and all kinds of fruits. I’ve never seen a dog that loves fruits so much!!
    She’s curious about every little thing. She also loves to play with bugs:) She notices the littlest changes we make in the house and outside.
    she loves it when i kiss her forehead and say goodnight or goodbye, at the meantime, she gets shy and looks away when i do that. but i know that she loves it.
    the last time i kissed her good bye was before she took her last breath on the hospital bed.
    she’s just one year and five months old, she still got a lot ahead of her, it’s just so not fair that i didn’t get to do all the things i wanted to do with her. i always thought that she’s gonna live till i have my kids, and she gets to play with them since she loves kids so much.
    she’s my baby.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 6:46pm

  26. 26: BetsNo Gravatar says:

    Linmayu,

    It is ok to feel bad. As a matter of fact, it is necessary. It is very much a part of the process. But, it is also necessary to start taking some baby steps to stop feeling bad so often.

    What makes you feel better? A walk on the beach, an hour at the mall, lunch with a girlfriend, flirting with another man (even if it’s meaningless and you actually have no interest)?

    Each and every small step that makes you feel better, even if just for a moment, gives you back a little of your own power. Take your power back, Linmayu. You can do it.

    You are beautiful inside and out. You are a prize. Show the world. Put on make-up and go for a walk – even if you don’t feel like it. Fake a smile. Put a bounce in your step – fake it over and over again until finally you begin to laugh at yourself. Laugh outrageously if you must. Find wonderment in everything and every person around you. Focus on the small child you see and wonder who they will become and what pain and joy they might experience. Focus on the huge tree you pass and wonder how it has endured all the rain, wind, snow, ice and outside elements.

    It really doesn’t matter what you think about as long as it is something other than your pain. It is okay to feel your pain, but you must get yourself to stop THINKING about your pain.

    You will make it and you will get stronger with each passing day. Believe in yourself. Praise yourself for not being quite as sad tomorrow as your were yesterday.

    Tomorrow is a new day . . .

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 6:56pm

  27. 27: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    ABC I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sending you cyber “HUGS”.

    Katja that’s a great story Thank you for sharing it.

    Linmayu I’m sending you cyber “HUGS” also. Hopefully when you get all the physical & emotional “snot” as you call it out you’ll feel so much better.

    Tracy I know that programming you’re talking about. I feel there are alot of women stuck in it. I hope as one of the siren’s here I’m learning to take care of myself first, thereby being able to give my best to my love ones and friends. As well as recieve.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 7:10pm

  28. 28: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    ABC I feel awful… I feel shaky just attempting to think of having to see my cat pass away from injuries.

    I feel so sad for you.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 7:56pm

  29. 29: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    I’ve been looking at a Pottery Barn catalog that I got in the mail and been majorly triggered. It’s like, no, Linmayu, none of this stuff is for you, and who the hell do you think you are wanting to pick out furniture?

    I have only twice in my entire life gotten to choose furniture–real furniture–for any place I’ve lived in. Other than that it’s been hand-me downs, dorm furniture, inflatable furniture, or stuff that my parents or husband picked out. The bed I have now? I’ve slept in it since I was 6. And I can’t afford furniture or rent or ANYTHING. But I can afford to dream, to fantasize, to pick out furniture according to my tastes and good feng shui, for the place I’ll buy when I’m out of school and gainfully employed. No one else’s tastes to consider. I can afford a vision board. That’ll do for now. I can CHOOSE furniture now even if I can’t buy it yet. And I can choose which of my current jobs I’m going to stay with. And I can choose one man out of MANY who will date and fall in love with and propose to me over the next 6 years or so.

    Speaking of which, I reactivated on the dating sites, I want more attention than I’m currently getting. But what on earth do I do with the Mr. Disgustings who are eagerly providing said attention…? I mean, 2 guys in one night asking me to call them? PLEASE.

    Tuesday, 14 April 2009 @ 11:47pm

  30. 30: KatjaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks to all of you for being happy for me :) Its such a great feeling to actually see and experience the progress and feel great-and I am still at the beginning of this path…Wow. I want to share something else with you that is helpful to me. First, I stopped watching tv. It helps to clear my mind,to focus on myself and to actually see things clear. I feel that I get affected by everything I see on tv,especially the commercials, on a deep level and that this prevents me from being myself somehow. Second, I am eating really healthy,organic stuff and I began practising yoga (wow,great experience!). I visited the website Rori recommends in Modern Siren (amazingbodynow.com) and I got some great information there and didn’t find it hard to actually fit them into my life. Third, I made a commitment to myself about not buying new clothes or shoes this year (because I have a full closet and thought it would be great to actually WEAR all the clothes and shoes I already have in my closet than to always buy new ones and never wear the “old” ones). Fourth, I made another commitment to myself about not buying new make-up or other beauty stuff because my bathroom is filled with those things and I made a commitment to myself to actually use this stuff and not always buy new. All these things have to do with the “new” me and the changes I want to create in the world (big dream!). Maybe that sounds kind of extreme but I feel there are things in this world that need to change and I feel kind of like going back to the roots,back to myself by doing these things I said. I just wanted to share that. I just thought about my life and that life is so short and that it makes no sense to waste this short amount of time with useless things. I want to improve my life,in fact I want to have a rich and fulfilling life and I decided (yes,it was just a decision) to fill it with positive thoughts and not waste it with negative thoughts and stuff. Just my opinion,maybe its helpful to someone,would be great.

    Ok,I said enough :)

    Have a great day today,sirens!

    Love,
    Katja

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 12:09am

  31. 31: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Katja, I feel such warmth and love reading your post, and happy for you that things are getting so much better. I feel empathy with your choices – I too made decisions about shopping and anything that is ‘clutter’ in my thinking. Instead I feel expanded by choosing to focus on what feels inspiring and soft and easy. I’ve been reading Marianne Williamson – I love the way she writes and what she has to say about living and about how we can BE the changes we want to create. Also about releasing fear thoughts, letting go, trusting.

    We are amazing, all of us.

    Bets, I like what you say. I feel very interested in hearing more from you.

    Love to all XXXX

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 1:14am

  32. 32: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    ABC I feel sad for your loss. Of course our pets are more than animals – part of the family, our soul companions sometimes. I know what it’s like to lose a much-loved cat. I never felt such grief. I got a lot of comfort going online and finding sites which honoured lost pets. I hope you find peace and connection.

    Ann – I’m thrilled at your news! I send my prayers still. Miracles are possible.

    Indeed – my sister’s tumours are shrinking. Healing is possible, even in the most unlikely situations. Never give up hope.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 1:21am

  33. 33: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    HA! Linmayu -you become more adorable by the second. I don’t know if I really and truly have “natural man magnet-ness” but I can tell you that I certainly try to “act as if” and one of my affirmations is “I am a man magnet, men LOVE me.” Heck, can’t hurt anything : )

    Funny you “see” me that way – although I have the blonde hair you mention I envy women with long thick beautiful hair and I am also not tall and one of those weight charts would tell me to lose weight. We (women) tend to pick at ourselves and I try not to but it happens.

    Why do we women do that so much? A woman that is absolutely gorgeous about to make love often hurries out of her clothes to slink under the covers so she isn’t seen while the guy with the not so perfect body just strips down unabashedly and stands there naked to the world like he’s superman or something. Really, do you ever hear a man use the term “figure flaw?”

    I don’t cover myself like that anymore in that situation. Maybe TMI but I have no problem just walking a lover over to the mirror and making him stand behind me and look at me while I watch him look at me and touch me. It is very liberating. I mean, really, we women worry about cellulite and jiggly stuff and yet, I don’t know any woman that has taken her clothes off for a guy and he says, “OH NO, I can’t look at that. Look at that cellullite-yuck. I’m leaving.”

    As for furniture and home and dreaming – keep doing it. When I was a little girl I had nothing but hand-me-down clothes and washing machine broke and we couldn’t afford to get it fixed – I had to wash my clothes on a scrub board in the tub with some kind of hard brown soap. My mother and I used to sit with a fat catalog and would pick out which item we would get from every page if we had the money.

    It took awhile but I think I finally transformed that into the consciousness I have now. I don’t live in a palace but feel I have everything I need and a lot of what I want. I feel that I am able to treat myself and others too and that is the most fun part.

    Like Katja – I am also trying to use what I have – not operating from “lack” consciousness but just the opposite – to see all of the abundance I have be grateful and use it or release it to someone else.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 7:03am

  34. 34: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    I left my volunteer position today. I feel bad, because the center is having financial difficulties and having me there was a big help to the director. But I cannot do it anymore and have my life go in the direction I want it to. I have to keep telling myself, there are other ways I can help her, there might be someone else waiting in the wings who’s just made for that position, or I might return in a few months when my current employer ramps down or I get bored. Anything can still happen.

    I feel like I’ve been circular dating with jobs–in a way, I have–and just accepted a “marriage proposal” from the “man” who is less handsome, less sexy, but still a good man who is moving in the same direction as I am, someone whose support I can count on. “He” does have his good qualities and I do love him and feel being with “him” will make me stronger and take me closer to my dreams.

    I feel I made the right decision, but I still feel bad.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 8:19am

  35. 35: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    And I know how my husband felt when he decided he just couldn’t work on the marriage anymore because he just felt he had to get out. If he felt anything like how I have been feeling with the work situation, then I can’t blame him at all for what he did. Because I did what I know is right for me. I could have made myself stay, worked myself to the bone with the super long commute and all, but I couldn’t have kept resentment from building up for my messy room, the piles of junk in the basement that just fucking need to go to the salvation army, the college placement tests I can’t find time to study for, and the meditation, workouts, and self-examination that I just plain can’t do because there are only so many hours in a day.

    It is ironic because my boss, in a way, taught me all these things, all these ways of taking care of oneself, being true to oneself, really listening to oneself from within, and protecting one’s energy. I feel somewhat guilty having “used them against her.” But there’s really no “against her” in the picture. There is only me staying on my bridge and continuing to love and support her from a distance and in a different form. One that others might call a cop-out, but I have to live with my own decisions.

    I do feel good because I quit in an honest, ethical way, I let her speak her mind and express her feelings. I owed her at least that much. In the past I’d be so afraid of confrontation that when I wanted to quit a job I’d just simply stop showing up.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 8:31am

  36. 36: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    Heartbeat, I feel so happy to hear about your sister’s healing. It always makes me feel good to hear that someone heals from a disease that is believed by so many to be incurable.

    Bets, thank you for your words of encouragement. To FEEL the pain, and yet stop THINKING about the pain–I’ve never heard anyone put it so simply and elegantly before. Because feelings can’t be controlled, though they can shift on their own–but thinking is always under our direct control.

    DocK, I love your wisdom, your sense of been-there-done-that, and your knowledge of how the world and men work, as always. It is true, when we really take our clothes off for a man who loves us, they can’t even see the flaws, they just see the beauty. The problem is, at least for me, that I have spent a lot of time in my life (especially as a young woman) around men who don’t love me and who feel quite free to make all kinds of dismissive comments about imperfect female bodies without caring who’s listening. I mean, GROSS men judge GORGEOUS women. Oh, her boobs aren’t big enough, her legs aren’t long enough, she has fat ankles. It was pretty much impossible as a young woman, especially one who had never been loved, to see those kind of comments for the macho, posturing bullshit they really were, rather than taking them in and turning them against myself–especially when women 10 times prettier than me were doing the same thing. It’s disgusting and it robs the world of so much female juiciness and everyone should just come here and listen to Rori instead. END RANT.

    I feel like a huge attention whore here on this post. Or rather, somehow feel unworthy of all the loving attention and kind words that you Goddesses have given me over the last several days. Since I know that feeling unworthy is the last thing that we’re going to try to encourage here, I will just say this: Thank you all.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 8:47am

  37. 37: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    You are welcome, Linmayu – I think every Siren gets her turn at some point of attention around her issue or expression of feelings. There is always balance.

    I know what you mean about guys and their BS posturing. For me, that is the biggest issue in a relationship. I am working on how I express this to a man, to try without drama to let him know how it makes me feel. I lost the art of that somehow because there was a time some 30 years ago that I think I expressed it ALMOST the right way and I was so young.

    I had started dating this guy and he did that thing of making comments about other women and staring. It was excessive and I think even a woman more confident than I would have been annoyed.

    I decided to talk to him about it and did it separate from one of the incidents and didn’t cause a scene. I said to him, ‘I am really bothered by the comments and staring at other women when you’re with me. I don’t have a lot of money but I try to look as nice as I can so you will feel good about being seen with me. I can’t compete with those women with the nice clothes and who go to the fancy hair salons. When you stare and make comments, I feel like I am not pretty enough and maybe you’d rather be with them.’

    Well, I knew it was a bad sign when he got a smirk on his face and said, “Soooo, you don’t LIKE it when I look at the other women.” He continued to do this and I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I said that maybe a woman with more confidence would be OK with it. I’m not and I’m done.

    A couple of weeks later he showed up at my job with a letter. This bad-ass biker hand-wrote a letter telling me how much he cared and didn’t want to lose me and I didn’t have to worry – he wasn’t interested in any other woman, blah blah. We made up and were together for 8 years and he didn’t do that anymore.

    Fast forward to today. He and I are still friends and I see him when I visit “back home.” Since he isn’t my BF I remember being out with him somewhere and saying, ‘Wow, did you see that woman’s hair (me with the long hair envy again)- it is so beautiful!’

    He glanced over and looked back at me and said, “I like your hair.” Now I realize he was probably just saying that but, who cares? If guys only understood how sexy that is to a woman, that attention, that respect, they wouldn’t have to have dumb shows like “manswers” to try to figure out how to get women into bed.

    I will probably say more on this at some point. Rori’s email about imagining a guy with women all around him had me so triggered I didn’t think I would recover. I am practicing it, though. I am wayyyyy too opinionated on the whole thing and I think the exercise will help me.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 11:07am

  38. 38: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    AQBC – So sorry about the lost of your dog. We just lost our young cat to cancer. It was sudden, unexpected, horrible and then she was gone. We will never be “over it” and I would not even hope for that. You will pass through a “surreal” patch (I’m still in it) – and when you come out you will want to remember her. Your sensitivity and love is beautiful, and the truth that your beloved dog created so much love in you is a testiment to her and to the sensitivity of your heart. You can carry her with you always – even as the pain turns to remembrance, and perhaps sharing your love with another animal. Love, Rori

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 1:54pm

  39. 39: ABCNo Gravatar says:

    thank you Rori, and everyone else,

    it’s just traumatic. i felt a overwhelming guilt and pain.
    She’s still alive in the morning when I played with her, and then she’s gone in the afternoon.

    even when the doctor told me she only had 30% chance of surviving it, I was still optimistic that she’d live.

    she’s too delicate, she’s not a fighter, she always needs me to protect her, yet i couldn’t, i just watched her die.

    the house is empty without her. i don’t want to stay in the house, i don’t need to go for a walk, i don’t need to go to PetSmart…

    i come home, i say “baby i am home!!” yet she’s not there.

    But I did get to hold her, and got to say goodbye…

    and i know that she knows that we all love her, and that no one could take that away from her. i know that she heard me.

    i realized that i don’t get to control everything in life, and that made me appreciate more when my friends show up and share their love and prayers.

    Wednesday, 15 April 2009 @ 2:46pm

  40. 40: KatjaNo Gravatar says:

    I just wanted to share something else I found yesterday in my email…visit http://www.p5y.org.

    Love,
    Katja

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 1:31am

  41. 41: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Linmayu…..It would feel good to give you a huge hug and remind you of awesome you are. I feel like I wish that I could take away your hurt. I feel that you are so strong and I admire that in you….more than words can say.

    ABC….I so sorry for the loss of your beloved dog. That has to hurt so much and I feel like giving you a hug as well.

    Katja….I feel so thrilled for you and your new confidence and how it is changing the course of your relationship and most of all your entire life and how you feel about you! YAY!!

    This post is aweseome! It really hit home for me and made me think of how stuck I feel and how stuck I AM. I feel safe in my stuckness though and I feel afraid to move in any direction. I have been pouring my heart and soul into remodeling our guest bathroom and I am thrilled because Charles let me/us do ‘my vision’ for that room. He didn’t have to do that but he did and I feel thankful that we followed what I saw in my mind. I feel grateful to him for that. I have done most of the work on it but I have poured myself into it and have felt so much love for what I have been doing and it has felt wonderdful. I have immersed myself into this project and feel great about it. When we laid the last full piece of stone (for the flooring) I cried. I didn’t even care what he thought of me crying and that ‘just being me in that moment’ felt liberating and free….wonderful really. I felt such a deep sense of accomplishment and have not felt that in a very long time. I feel like I did something really beautiful and special and I feel so proud of it. I feel like I don’t want this project to be over and the fact that we/I am nearly finished makes me feel sad in a way. I feel SO GOOD about me when I am working on this project and I don’t want it to end. I feel lind of afraid of what is to come now that I am nearly finished. I feel proud that C and I can work together on something like that because I know that some really awesome/ in love couples would not be able to work together that way….we did….we can and I feel good about that….i feel proud about that. I really feel so excited about this little bathroom that I feel kind of silly but it doesn’t take away from the pride that I feel over what we/I have done. I think that he let me do most of the work because it really did make me feel so good. I feel kind of afraid though that perhaps he just took advantage of me wanting to do that work. I don’t know which is which but I really don’t care. It made me feel good about ME and that is what matters. I could totally see myself doing something like this for a business. I felt close to him in the times when we were working on it together and that felt good. Linmayu….I can totally relate to what you are feeling although or situations are so different. I feel afraid that I am still deeply wanting things to work out with Charles and I even though I know just like the I know that the sky is blue that I will not ever have the kind of love, respect that I want and need in a relationship. I KNOW that he can’t dance and feels no need to give anything in a relationship and is most likely not even capable – not meant as a put down at all BTW – it just is. I can feel myself wanting it to work out so badly and I feel afraid to move forward with my life….to what?…to where? All of a sudden I feel intense fear and anxiety and that feels like my entire body tensing up like my heart is being squeezed of any life left in it. We have had so many wonderful moments but for each wonderful one there has been a really hurtful one and that feels like waaaaaay too much hurt for me. I am also finding myself feeling afraid of some things that he says and does lately and that feels awful and I know I am letting myself down. From where do you draw the strength to make a move to better your life and find that happiness and love that you seek? I feel sad and so alone and afraid but I KNOW that only I can change it. Where do I get that strength from??? I have so much more to write but I have to go for now……to be continued…..

    love to all….
    Cassandra

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:07am

  42. 42: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra: Congratulations on your project! I’m so happy for you (and I admire…that’s a LOT of work!) My heart goes out to you on some of the other stuff though. I know how hard it is to feel stuck. You actually CAN have the love you want, but the strength comes only from within and only from working on yourself. You did make one comment that worries me a lot:

    “I am also finding myself feeling afraid of some things that he says and does lately and that feels awful and I know I am letting myself down.”

    If you are afraid…no matter how hard it seems…you really do need to get out. I feel afraid for you…and sad for you…and yet, with regard to the remodeling project…happy for you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 11:05am

  43. 43: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Mercedes….IT FELT SO WONDERFUL TO HEAR FROM YOU!! Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement and happiness for me in my project! That felt really good and definitely brought a huge smile to my face and my heart! :-)

    I truly did love every minute of working on that project and it does mean a great deal to me because it was MY vision and because – even though I know that Charles cannot dance and I will never have what it is that I want for my life with him – he and I did this together and had alot of fun and worked really well together and all of that makes me feel so great even thinking about it. I totally know that you are right on when you say…”You actually CAN have the love you want, but the strength comes only from within and only from working on yourself.” I feel though that I don’t know what else I can do to work on me except for keep on doing these aweseom tools and learning from everyone’s experiences and trying to grow within myself. I do feel that I have come so so far since I first came to this blog and that feels great but I also have SO FAR to go – I mean that in a totally positive light so I apologize if it ‘sounded’ negative – it was meant with nothing but a positive tone. :-)

    I know that I have so far to go Mercedes and 1 of the ways that I KNOW that is that Charles does do and say some things that really scare me but I feel helpless to do anything about it until I can find a job. I really do feel stuck. While in my ‘stuckness’ I am however trying to focus completely on ME…what makes ME happy and what things can I do each day for ME…things that do make ME feel good and I know that has made a huge difference for me all around. Sometimes I do feel as though I am letting myself down when he does or says certain things and I am – in that moment – feeling overcome with fear but at the same time I am not in the best of situations here. I have been unable to find a job here as people are being layed off daily here – even in the school systems! The good part of this though is that I have been able to really look at what I WANT to do careerwise and I am working with my family to start my own business/es in addition to getting back into my music in some capacity. That feels good. I also know though that it takes time to get things up and running and bringing in money. I do have a beautiful roof over my head and food on the table so that is covered but I do also have to ‘deal with’ things that he says and does that do scare me. That part does NOT feel good.

    There have been some moments where he has said somethings that REALLY scared the $#%&$$*& out of me but I was VERY careful to NOT react…. to say nothing at all and totally change the subject and not even address his comments/ actions. It did work for those particular situations although I can see that there are parts of him that I did NOT know were there and yes – they scare me – alot and I am seeing these things that he says and does becoming more and more frequent. There was in incident a few months ago that REALLY bothered me but you know what bothered me most about what happened? It was not so much – at that moment what he said – it was my own indifference to it! That moment is now forever etchedi into my brain and fueling me working on ME and creating a situation where I can get out as soon as possible. I feel like I want to share some of the things that he says and does here but I also feel afraid to do so because I feel that everyone would be thinking ‘what the hell is she doing still there?!” but I KNOW that my feeling that way is ME being triggered and certainly NOT anyone doing or saying anything to offend or hurt or even judge me. I do feel like I would like to share those things here because I could really use any input as to how I can handle these things until I can get out…..and not only that but I do still have very strong feelings for him and I think that I can even still say that I love him and I need to figure out how to NOT feel that way for him anymore – is that possible? I DO know however that that does not change his behavior and it does not change the fact that I will never have what I want for my life – with him….that part makes me feel deeply sad. I don’t want to feel scared in my own home when we are just having a quiet – enjoyable evening watching TV and then BAM! he says or does something scary. it is getting harder and harder to live this way and the other night when he did something – I could not help the fact that he scared me to the point that I said nothing but I was crying. I tried to hide that from him but I think that he saw me crying although he did not say anything. He was laying/ spooning behind me on his side and we were watching TV. I can’t relate to the things that he says and I am thankful that I can’t but they scare me nonetheless – those kinds of things ahve never ever even come into my mind….ever. Thanks GOD for that! He is gone at least 1/2 of each week so at least I have a little respite when he is gone but when he IS home and when he IS drinking is when these things come out. I cannot tell you that I am at peace or that I feel safe because I don’t. I really feel that I want to tell you some of the stuff that goes on but I feel ashamed that he does/ says these things – that is the part were I feel I am letting myself down.

    I am sorry this ended up to be a little longer than planned! Your post felt really good to get Mercedes and thank you again for your happiness about my bathroom project. I giggle every time I walk by it!

    with much love…..
    Cassandra

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 6:16pm

  44. 44: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Cassandra,
    I feel sad for you but hopeful that things will work out…i feel that the more you focus on being yourself and loving yourself everything else will start to be clear and then you can decide on how you want to live your life.
    I feel that what really matters is ensuring that i live a good and quality life,that each moment is full of love and appreciation for myself and what is around…that i am happy and excited about being me….pain and sadness is there yes,it comes and goes but the joy of living and enjoying every moment is what i focus on…
    It feels much better looking at it that way.

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 8:16pm

  45. 45: sifsgoldwigNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, this is kind of unrelated to this post, but I wasn’t sure where to place it. I’m looking for advice. I’ve accepted a date from a man to whom I don’t feel attracted at all. Now I’m gearing up for the “I just don’t think we’re a good match” conversation I intend to have at the end of the date. I am open to the experience and “free therapy” of this situation, but I feel so much anxiety and dread and resentment about this. Two guys asked for my number that night, why did he have to be the one who called? I don’t know, what does everyone else think?

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 8:17pm

  46. 46: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Oh Cassandra…you are doing such wonderful things…I’m happy for you in so many ways.

    Please try to understand that when you post about being afraid, it’s not that you are being judged, you simply have a group of people here who really care about you and who worry about you.

    I’ve spent a lot of my adult life counseling women and girls and I’ve been through a TON of abuse (ever since I was a very small girl) and I can tell you that with all my heart, I think you need help. Nothing beats a professional when it comes to helping us along a tough part of our journey. Please consider it. There is a lot of free help out there (ministers, women’s shelters, etc) and your husband wouldn’t even have to know about it. Please…sit down with someone and tell them what’s going on with you.

    Again…your progress is amazing and I agree, you’ve come a long way (lots of people here have…me included) but…this isn’t quite enough for what’s happening to you. Please…I care and I know lots of other women here care…talk to someone and do it soon.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 8:22pm

  47. 47: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    I no longer want to live in a world where my looks are a defect. I want to see my beauty as the kind sufficient to inspire love poems and songs and amazing romantic actions. And then, I want to live in a world filled with men who see the same. I want to live in a world filled with men who say Yes to me, a world where I wake up every morning expecting that men will say Yes to me and smile at me and open doors for me and bring me flowers and do wonderful things.

    It’s already begun, I’ve noticed the Yes in a few men’s eyes today. Men I know, and random men.

    There is a lifesize statue of Robert Frost sitting on a bench by the train station that I wait at every day. You can sit right next to him. He has a desk and a piece of paper on which he’s writing “Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening.” I just discovered this today because I snuggled up to him and was reading over his shoulder. It felt good to do this–like the hug a tree tool from Siren–and only slightly pathetic/embarrassing. When I got up I noticed that an old man who had been walking by was smiling this sweet, gentle smile at me. That was cute, I felt all blush-y inside, even though he was old. I think I’ll sit by Robert Frost more often, but only at night when no one is around.

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 9:59pm

  48. 48: cookieNo Gravatar says:

    linmayu i think you are absolutely adorable. what I admire most about you is that you are not afraid to share your pain, your pictures, your stories, your honesty, so generously. it is very beautiful and feels like the kind of growth i want for myself.

    cassandra is it always good for me to see you posting something, that feels to me like you are still connected to this forum. I feel kinship to you and think about you often when I visit this blog. i don’t feel right about making any suggestions about you and Charles. i feel hopeful that you will find what is best for your heart which is beautiful.

    abc, much love to you as you deal with the death of your “baby”, loss is hard in whichever form it comes in. I pray for your strength to cry when you need to.

    katja, i’m glad to see you getting closer to the loving relationship you desire.

    I am intending on revisiting this post and applying these ideas to my seven year relationship. i will post more if it is applicable.

    Thursday, 16 April 2009 @ 11:02pm

  49. 49: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    Cookie, thanks for the sweet words! <3 I feel glad to be able to provide inspiration for someone.

    So, I feel utterly shocked. Men are such obnoxious idiots! I mean, beat me over the head with your dick why don’t you. D: Let me explain.

    I’ve felt all flattered and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of men contacting me over at interracialdatingcentral.com (this is, in theory, a great place to find men whose dicks aren’t racist). Then I felt deflated and disappointed when I looked at most of the actual men doing the contacting. I felt guilty for being so shallow and judging on appearance, but I felt frightened by the men’s looks!

    I felt pleased to find that two or three were handsome and I sent a flirt back. Then I felt like I’d been run over by a truck when I read their e-mails. Rapid-fire questions made me feel more stressed than I ever had in any job interview. What if I answer wrong? What if I don’t measure up?

    …Why would I even want to talk to someone who would make me feel this way all the time? I felt calm as I wrote back from my own feeling place, refusing to play the game set in front of me. They’ll write back, or they won’t, I don’t really care. I don’t need a man who makes me feel bad and on edge.

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 4:18pm

  50. 50: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Remember how I was howling about how much I like Monica Leon, the Danger girl from Ray J’s show?

    Well I had added her as a friend on myspace… and sent her a message about how I felt inspired by her and she’s a real woman.

    And who days later she still didn’t add me!

    I felt so triggered and humiliated! Everytime I wanted to practice my tiger on my face tool I would think of her and feel awful. I wanted to remove her video from my youtube favorites and to start telling myself that really she sux.

    Well instead of that I felt suddenly inspired to work with this as a trigger.

    I felt awfully rejected, angry and humiliated and Majorly ‘not good enough.” I felt like a creepy stalker, I felt like I had tried to say something nice to someone and they snubbed me, I felt like a needy loser. I tried to embrace these feelings and Feel them as awful as they felt.

    Turned out it brought up a lot of memories of girls talking behind my back in middle/elementary school, of feeling rejected and like no one wanted to be my friend and feeling unworthy, even feeling unworthy in kindergarten. Also one time I had overheard a girl I thought was my best friend in 6th grade say to another girl “what a loser she really thinks im her best friend.” Ok so there was a lot with this trigger and I feel really glad I embraced it, I felt SO surprised that I could actually allow myself to feel this gross humiliation shame and unworthiness and love myself.

    So it turned out to be a good trigger for me. I guess I have learned a lot about embracing myself and feeling rejected. I feel shy sometimes because I don’t want people to think (God forbid) that I think they’re cool until I’m for sure that they think I’m cool too.

    Also reminded me a lot of feeling uncomfortable in crowds or with new people. I hadn’t realized I had so much trauma/trigger around this. Though in retrospect it makes sense.

    I decided I could still use tiger on face. I could still feel inspired by her even if for some reason she didn’t add me as a friend. Maybe she felt repelled by me and taht’s ok (lots of working on this). Maybe she just forgot. I held back on trying to add her again.

    Today after taht some guy added me and it said we had one friend in common. I clicked it and it was her… she added me

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 5:32pm

  51. 51: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Hello ladies have been really busy the past few days. But I’ve been reading from my email. You ladies are really amazing. I feel so proud to read and talk with each of you. To see all the different ways we’re each working Rori’s tools and the sharing of the accomplishments and the painful feelings, I feel the connections here.

    I feel exhausted tonight but we’ve got several things took care of the past few days in regards to getting things ready for husbands surgery.

    I feel in awe of some of the things that have fall into place. My husband has been worried about our financial situation also, he went to a little local store yesterday. The elderly lady(one of the owners) told him they were paying a guy to mow ours and our daughters(she lives next door) yard while my hubby was unable to. He told her they didn’t have to do that she said hush they wanted to. So 1 worry off his mind.

    His sister is letting us use her car to go to the dr. Her son is putting his portable GPS in it to help us get there.

    A local civic group wrote a check for $100 to help pay for gas. One of the guys my hubby works with gave him $50 to help out.

    He drew a paycheck yesterday that finished our bills for this month. He has about 7 days of pay left which will help on next months bills.

    I had lost my ID and birth certificate. Today a good friend of ours got on the phone made phone calls around pulled some strings and helped me get my BC so I could get another ID. And he paided for the BC, I tried to pay him but he refused the money. Dang you need a ID for so mant things even when people know you LOL.

    We have hubby signed up for medicaid and stamps(something we haven’t used in forever). He has a telephone interview scheduled with Social Security office Tues. Altho, I don’t understand the reason for that because to get disability he’d have to be off work for 1 year or have a REALLY bad expectancy.

    It has been a exhausting few days. I’ve missed talking here. Sorry if I’ve rambled.

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 10:33pm

  52. 52: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Daria, I felt amused by your post.

    I’m fairly certain no one actually thinks I’m cool. Awesome, yes, but not cool. And yeah, I don’t like for them to think I think they’re cool either.

    I feel so triggered by my body today. I feel fat and huge and gross. I feel a lot of anger that I don’t have the shape I want, which is a shape similar to that of a 15-year-old male, or at least a superfit, chiseled version of my own shape, with a butt you can bounce a quarter off of and abs that a normal-size guy could stand on without hurting me (I definitely had that in college when I was dancing a lot).

    I feel hopeless because I don’t know how to get a superfit, chiseled body. I feel afraid to walk up to someone who has one and ask for advice; I feel like they’ll automatically look down on me because I’m clearly, VISIBLY not as good as they are; my lack of virtue and coolness is hanging off my thighs for all to see.

    I feel grossed out by the chocolate chips by my desk. I only ate a few of them, but it felt so unconscious and habitual and gross. I feel hopeful that I can begin to work this off in earnest now that I’m finally getting over this f’n cold and have a lot more free time.

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 10:34pm

  53. 53: LinmayuNo Gravatar says:

    Ann, I feel so happy that you have people helping you financially. What a blessing. I’ve missed you too. ;)

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 10:42pm

  54. 54: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks Reshi, I’ve been following the blog on my mobile just can’t write worth a crap from it lol. AG didn’t teach me how I miss her hope she comes back soon.

    I feel joy, happiness and sadness in the post I’ve read. But I really feel a connection with the ladies here. Even when I don’t post I send cyber cheers or hugs ever which one is needed.

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 11:32pm

  55. 55: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel glad for Ann and the progress she’s making…big cyber hug!
    I happy today because i am just going to relax and have some “me” time.It feels good to create time for oneself…

    Friday, 17 April 2009 @ 11:56pm

  56. 56: CarenzaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,

    I just wanted to say I read all your responses and I feel such a mixture of emotions when I do – joy at the progress , sadness at the pain. I am still a baby in this process learning…

    Linmayu – when I first saw your picture on your blog – I thought WOW you are STUNNING!!!

    Daria – you blow my mind with your honesty and expression.

    Right now I am feeling scared, lonely, and unsure.
    I was feeling f****** fantastic – but right now I sense that I am about to step over a line into a serious unknown landscape.

    I have been watching some of Roris DVDs and I can already feel a major difference in me, and men responding differently.

    I have this REALLY cute 18 yr old who is in love with me – he hasn’t even had sex with anyone for 8 months!! (even though he easily could) because he has been dreaming of it with me. I have to be honest it feels good to have the attention – but also it feels so wrong because I am 33 (although I really look younger), and if it was the other way around I would think it was wrong. Although when I was 18 I did go out with someone who was 33 and ended up living with them for 2 and a half years…but still I feel uncomfortable with it – now being older.

    Also I just feel lonely – I have two children and NO support around me at all – I do not live near family and friends – and have no idea how I would go on dates with guys right now.

    I also sometimes feel I have made a mistake as the ex I was completely in love with did ask me to marry him but I said no because he also admitted that he still didn’t feel completely passionate about me like he had with an ex of his – even though he had not asked her to marry him. He said he was asking me to marry him – brought me a ring as well, because he felt we could experience something deeper than what he had with her. Anyway I did not feel good about it – so I eventually after a few weeks of pondering it said NO. we haven’t seen each other since – but spoke and emailed ALWAYS initiated by me a few times – and for both of us it was emotionally very charged.

    I can sense he is scared he knows I have changed and opened up – he knows I like this 18 year old ALOT – but I feel very guilty about it and resist even going there. I feel embarrased even admitting I like him. I said to my ex that the weirdest thing is that when I am around him (the 18 yr old) or see him I feel all the things I want to feel – desired, beautiful, cherished loved etc etc- and yet with man I was in love with and have everything ‘in common with’ I feel unattractive, unsafe, and shakey – because I always know he loved his ex more and thought she was more beautiful than me – (even though he only felt this to her once she left him and went out with another guy !! before that happened he did not love her – or think she was beautiful. Then once she did not want to be with him she got transported into being a super model !! same old story…)

    anyway I just wanted to share what is happening as I feel scared about what is happening as I can feel the attraction growing with this young guy – and it just feels wrong.

    Saturday, 18 April 2009 @ 1:48am

  57. 57: TracyNo Gravatar says:

    Carenza,

    With practising rori tools from th programs and taking care of yourself helps experience more clarity on your situation…I feel in the end what matters is to be intouch with how we feel about ourselves and strive to be good to us…

    I feel triggered by what you explained about how you feel when you are with the two guys…..That you were able to recognize the difference and intensity of your feelings is very inspiring.I feel that it displays your ability to be in touch with yourself…i feel inspir

    Saturday, 18 April 2009 @ 10:18am

  58. 58: LisalisaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t even know what love is anymore. What is it Rori?

    Monday, 20 April 2009 @ 2:10pm

  59. 59: LisalisaNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know if I really do love my ex, or anyone. That my loving caring side doesn’t exist. That if we got back together it would go the same way. That I’ll never have a real loving relationship. Am I just all about me and don’t love and care for others? What is wrong with me?

    Monday, 20 April 2009 @ 2:19pm

  60. 60: LisalisaNo Gravatar says:

    Our relationship was fading, I thought we could work it out, he left. He is seeing someone, but seems to want to talk more now. One minute I feel like I love him and we could be together, the next I am so unsure. I miss the comfortable feeling I had around him. I never thought he would leave, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for love, after years of just being together. I love him. I want him in my life. I am scared it would go the same way, but the feeling of love is still there. Confused!! My mind runs all the time with thoughts of him, us, me, my life, my study I am supposed to be doing but can’t concentrate and focus. I just want to feel peace, with myself, with him, with life. I just want to ‘be’ with him, present with him, saying nothing but feeling everything. Just quiet, looking at each other.

    Monday, 20 April 2009 @ 2:59pm

  61. 61: DocKNo Gravatar says:

    Linmayu – again, can’t stress enough – you ARE gorgeous!! I feel so happy when people approach me with questions – sometimes in the gym and sometimes just walking around – and I not only feel flattered by it but feel helpful and useful that I am having an opportunity to share knowledge.

    Carenza I remember many years ago being involved with 2 different men. The one “teacher” was the primary relationship. Things started to get weird so I started seeing “biker.” I thought I was more in love with teacher and felt guilty about biker. Then I kept noticing that although I would be looking forward to being with teacher – I was frustrated and unhappy when we would get together. Then I wouldn’t be looking forward so much to getting together with biker but when I did, I had so much fun and was happier.

    I feel comfortable with the times I have turned down marriage proposals. I know if I said ‘NO’ there must have been a good reason in my heart, gut, intuition – whatever. Teacher wanted to get married but I wasn’t ready and when I said I loved him but this wasn’t the time he went nutso. Teacher started telling my mother terrible things about me and then tried to be like biker (died hair, bought a bike, etc.) and sending me pictures. I broke up with teacher in 1978 and he continued to try to contact me until the house I previously lived in burnt down and couldn’t have things forwarded to me (about 1991) – GOOFBALL!!!!!! I’m not saying, Carenza, that your ex is like this but that, for me, I am so happy I didn’t question myself that it was just fear of relationship that made me say no but something I was tapping into that things weren’t quite right.

    I also have questioned the younger man/older woman thing and I am finally just letting my judgments go and relaxing and enjoying myself. If they are chasing me around (and you), they are doing what men do – knowing what they like and pursuing it : ) Smart boys aren’t they?

    Wednesday, 22 April 2009 @ 8:39am

  62. 62: nirNo Gravatar says:

    I feel so sad. I’ve read all this and I can’t stop crying.

    I used to have a career, a good one, but I hated it. All I wanted was to be cared for and loved and protected, but I went to work because I thought that’s what my husband wanted. Then the stress got so bad that I became disabled and he said why don’t you just stay home?

    I don’t think that’s the issue — staying home — but at the same time the disability got so bad … it’s a mental illness — and problems with our sex life got so bad … the more I seem to get better the worse our marriage has been. We tried counseling but after that he refused to have sex at all.

    Last night I was in my bed alone (he loves his computer more than me) and wanting someone to be with, and I seriously considered divorce. But that’s not what I want … I’m polyamorous, we opened our marriage — even if I said that here before and got COLD FUCKING SILENCE here — I feel so angry right now, I feel so judged with all the talk of monogamy being the only way … but I don’t lie, I’m married and I don’t know how to say I can be with you too. This is the Bible belt and I feel afraid of it coming back to haunt me or my family.

    And I feel like no one is going to answer this AGAIN, and this is some kind of clique and I’m out just like EVERY OTHER TIME I want to be friends with women. I don’t fit in anywhere.

    My relationship with my husband feels dead and so do I. I feel afraid I’m never going to have sex again. I feel like no one is ever going to love me. I feel so much grief and loss and anger for that way my parents raped and abused me and made me this way. I can’t stop crying and crying.

    I’m so glad my kids are at school.

    I feel like there’s no hope. I feel like I’m going to end up alone, some old hag that nobody loves. I’m only 46 and there is not one man in the world that wants me. I have failed at everything. Except I have good kids.

    I feel better for crying so much, I think some of it went out. I feel guilty and ashamed of saying what I did but I’m not going to let people make me stop telling the truth of how I feel any more. If you hate me then join the crowd, take a number have a seat.

    Now I feel like an attention whore, putting myself here where I’m not wanted and making it so people feel they have to say oh we don’t hate you. I feel revolted at pity. I want to stab it. I hate it. I am not some low thing for you to have pity on, I am a person.

    I feel myself closing up tight so no one can hurt me anymore. I feel too afraid. Now I feel the grief come back like another wave. This has been my life as long as I can remember.

    My husband is a good man, he provides, he’s not abusive, he loves the kids. Am I wrong for wanting more? I feel like I’m wrong for wanting more from him.

    Tuesday, 28 April 2009 @ 9:12am

  63. 63: CarenzaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Nir,

    My heart goes out to you – I totally understand how you are feeling – all of it – I am younger but I understand the pain of not feeling loved in the way one would like in a relationship…many times I have had this experience – for years at a time too…

    Nothing you said was a shock – and I empathize deeply with what you are experiencing.

    I feel touched you shared your story so openly…

    Tuesday, 28 April 2009 @ 9:27am

  64. 64: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    Nir……If I was where you are I would come to you and just hug you and let you cry….well ok no we would cry together. I feel so much of the same thing that you feel and I feel like I wish that I could take it away from you. I don’t want you to feel so much hurt. I am so sorry if no one had answered your post. I do think that it was definitnely NOT intentional at all. I have had that happen from time to time but then I look at other posts and I think that we all have but I feel sad that you felt so left out and uncared for. I know that everyone here does indeed care for you and want you to be happy – I know that for sure. I think that you crying is such a good thing – when I get done with a big non stop cry I do feel better afterward – I feel cleansed and calmed and I feel hope that you may feel better now too. I hope that you do. I feel so sad that you feel such distance between you and love, happiness, freedom to be the beautiful YOU that you were created to be. I feel my heart hurting for you. I know exactlyhow you feel about just wanting to be loved and taken care of protected – I can so totally relate. I feel hurt for you and I feel that I want to take it away and I feel frustrated that I can’t. What I can do is let you know that you were created as the beautiful, amazing, loving, giving, caring, smart, talented, siren that you are for a reason and you bring something to this world that NO ONE…I repeat that….NO ONE else can bring but YOU and YOU alone. I feel sad that your husband treats you the way that he does. I would not give a second though to what anyone else – in the bible belt or anywhere else – thinks of your marital arrangement as long as YOU are happy. I feel so much sadness in your words though that I feel a deep sense of you not being happy. If you are ok with an open marriage then I would forget whatn anyone else thinks or says but I also feel a deep urgency to let you know that you deserve a FULLY committed marriage. I am not at all judging your situation – not at all – as long as you know thaqt you deserve the best of everything including a fully committed marriage in every way and are truly in your heart ok with an open marriage then forget what anyone else says. I could not be in an open marriage I am not strong enough in myself to do that. I know that about myself. Please do not beat yourself up and tear yourself down Nir- I am so guilty of that so so guilty of that too but I am slowly learning to stop those messages and realize that those bad messages are lies – they are not truth – not at all. Please do something wonderful for YOU today. Go for a walk and look at the birds…the grass…the flowers and sit next to the flowers and perhaps have a piece of chocolate…something that makes YOU feel good. You are a gift to this world and you WILL have love and happiness again. Just the fact that you are here shows what strength and courage you DO have and I celebrate that with you. I send you so much love and one of Daria’s beautiful flower hugs. xoxoxo

    Tuesday, 28 April 2009 @ 9:37am

  65. 65: CassandraNo Gravatar says:

    I feel proud Nir that you opened your heart as you did and let your REAL feelings show. I feel proud of that for you and I feel a sense of excitement that you stand up for you needing and deserving support. I feel proud of that too and I admire it in you. I feel strength coming from you that you don’t even realize is there. I feel connected to you in a way that I can’t explain.

    Tuesday, 28 April 2009 @ 9:41am

  66. 66: MercedesNo Gravatar says:

    Nir: I hope you don’t feel judged much longer here. In this world, lots of people judge but I’ve personally found that this blog has so many different types of women and different personalities and different belief and values and yet I feel so safe here.

    I feel like we could all get together and have a HUGE girls night out and we’d enjoy each other’s company and we’d listen to each other and learn from each other and have a wonderful time and yet all walk away with our own selves in tact. We support each other and give advice, but I don’t think anyone here has ever tried to change anyone…I hope you can see that.

    I am one of those people who have posted about being in a sexual relationship with only one man. I don’t have what it takes to be with more than one…my heart gets all tangled up in it when I make love. I’m a jealous person maybe? I don’t know but personally, I need to be with one man and one man only…and I need that man to be only with me…heart and soul. I do understand that my situation is not for everyone. I’ve made so many mistakes with men that I can’t imagine trying to keep my heart out at this point. For me, I need to know I’m in love with a man in order for me to see him as deserving of my body…but I certainly don’t expect that from everyone else.

    Again, I really hope you can find a place where you don’t feel judged and I really hope…because of the amazing women writing here…that this is a place where you feel safe.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Tuesday, 28 April 2009 @ 1:53pm

  67. 67: marya s.No Gravatar says:

    Hello dear ladies
    i have been 7 years in a relationship.First 3 years everything nice,he did all right thing.Later he began to ask me to give more and more and became more mody,treat me not god and all the time said if i say or do as this he wil go ot.
    I wa afraid,had child even not with him but of beginning again from the start.We are living together.Last year he has a friend,girl in e-mail from slovakia he write to and they just have it fun.He is more open to other women and flirt,sex flirt in words,and meet his ex girlfriend just for swimming.He does not know that i know all of this but i have seen th prograssion.
    I told hm yesterday i do not want to continue as this.I do not like this unsecure state.Maybe we marry or i will finish the relationship.He said,no,no marriage,it is my aswer he said.After that he became to be kind,kissme,do thing,…
    Know i have began to find another house to come out,begin to be more open to other men,…
    What do you hink?

    Sunday, 14 February 2010 @ 12:04am

  68. 68: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    marya, if he doesn’t want to marry – you have to decide if you want what you have, or want to leave and let something more like what you want show up. I vote to Circular Date, stop living with him and get what you want elsewhere. Love, Rori

    Sunday, 14 February 2010 @ 12:11pm

  69. 69: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    I really like what Coach Rori says about pulling back, and think there is something to this for sure. Men need to be the pursuers, women the responders. This is how it was meant to be. The late great Pope John Paul II said in one of his encyclicals: “the man loves, the woman responds”. How true this is. Rori you are right. For us women to get the love we crave and the men we desire, they have to come after us, and prove to us they’re worth it. Now help me ladies please in dealing with a husband who has been deep in an affair for 3 years. I am trying to pull away, but cannot help engaging sometimes. NEED to be stronger……YIKES.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:09pm

  70. 70: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    But, it’s hard to trust men today. Many are pigs. And could be murderors and/or rapists. I think it wise to be careful still, circular date, but of course, but be careful too and NOT be desperate. One thing I think I have figured out in my old age of 50, LOL is that I’d rather be alone than be with a man who doesn’t adore and cherish me, and who oagles other women. This is outright YUCCY, not right and makes me feel horrible. This is what I am facing now in my life, being with a man who loves strippers, over his wife and family. EWWWW. He can have them!. Question now, how in the hell do I support myself? A good question too. One nice thing about being separated, is he pays the bills, I can be alone to figure things out for a while. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t adore us, as much as we adore them. I think I put my h on a pedestal way more than I should have. He was my everything, my life, my best friend, my lover, my life essentially, and I lost who I was. Am trying to get it back now. Who am I? It’s hard though after you’ve been a mom and wife for over 20 years.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:16pm

  71. 71: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ingrid, I’m going to assume your husband lives with you while he is having this affair. I feel bad that your allowing him to beat you up this way. I would be asking myself “why am I still here?” I mean 3 years is a long time.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:18pm

  72. 72: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I didnt stop to look at the title of the thread, Reviving a Dead Relationship. I’ll go back and read what Rori has to say.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:22pm

  73. 73: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    To Nir:
    Hang in there honey.

    You are special and loved and a beautiful person, because God made you this way. never forget.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:27pm

  74. 74: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    To Tina:

    No. I kicked him out when I found out about his ongoing contact with another woman. I could not take it, the emotional turmoil of it all. Do you think I did the right thing? I did what I had to do. It devestated me just so much that he was STILL in contact with some striptease whore for 3 years now, I just HAD to tell him to leave our home.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:33pm

  75. 75: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay – Ingrid!! You go Goddess I love that you kicked him out.

    (I feel uncomfortable reading the words “some striptease whore” like this other Goddess ( and I imagine I would easily call her that and more in your position) is to be put down – but hey let out the inner drama queen, just remember its not about her being a whore… what’s important is YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR ANGER )

    I feel so glad you that you stood up for yourself!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 12:39pm

  76. 76: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ingrid, I feel happy that you threw him out. I also think the amount of anger you feel for the striptease whore is a reflection of how much you really are filled with rage at yourself. I agree with Daria, FIND YOUR ANGER! I would feel furious and just out right fucking PISSED THE FUCK OFF!

    For me, I had to beat myself up on purpose, to finally get that I was really angry at myself, I love my nasty voice :) I thought for sure I was going to go crazy, I had a few anxiety attacks here and there but nothing serious. You can get mad at me, I dont mind, I’ll be your striptease whore :)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:08pm

  77. 77: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Daria:

    WHY, I do Ask are you so happy I asked or kicked my husband out? I would really like to hear why you said this, to begin with.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:13pm

  78. 78: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Ingrid,

    I feel really really very much your pain, it can be a hard hard lesson to get through. But you can not be healthy psycologically with the situation like this. And I can tell you more, if he has this need to go to these girls, a lot of them, he is toxic, he can not go along with a stable relationship, he is not stable, it seems so. I knew a girl who was a stripper, she found a man who wanted to provide for her, paid her like a wage that she did not go to work like a striptease dancer. She stayed at home, he paid for her. She thought he had a real love for her (age difference 30 years!). But after that she discovered that he did not decide for her, he had her and went also to other women to these clubs. She was devastated. And more of all, once he called her (on the phone), told her he had problems and she had to leave the appartment, because he could not pay for her anymore because of his problems. She got through, but so are sometimes the men. They can be very toxic.

    It is true, that there are different men, maybe some of them start to do strange things becasue they are afraid of getting older, but what did you loose?
    You lost the pain!!! You do not need the pain in your life!!1
    I can imagine, that he after a while, will want to come back home. But you will then decide if you want him.

    You lost your pain. You lost the presence of a person who caused you grief.

    You have a unique life. Please try to make you happy, to write every day of your life with some beauty, it is not necessary some jerk. No, please try to make yourself feel good.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:13pm

  79. 79: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Tina/Daria and others:

    Do you really feel I did the right thing by kicking my h to the curb when I found out about his ongoing relationship with some strippper? I doubt myself, and if other ladies, with kids, would do the same. I am eager to find out other women’s views. I really am doubting myself, as my life is sooooo hard now. I have no man to help around the house, no man to help me, no man to be there. I am really wondering if I did the right thing by asking him to leave, when I found about his ongoing infidelity. He said he feels I am punishing him by kicking him out, but I am punishing myself too. This is partly true, cuz things are so much harder now for me.

    Question: How would all you women friends feel/deal with a husband who had been retreating to strip joints/developing an emotional union with one stripper in particular? What would YOU do? How would you handle it? I need advice/input

    Thanks so much. Bless You

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:21pm

  80. 80: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Soignee:

    Thank you!!!! You are a dear and a light in my life just now. You have much good to say.

    Thank you so much for even responding to me, taking the time, your time to give me your opinion.

    Bless You

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:27pm

  81. 81: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ingrid, I would circular date :) once I found my anger of course. Your feelings of doubt is ok, it’s ok for you to feel doubt that you did the right thing here. Who am I to judge whether you did the right thing or not, I would feel total humiliation if I found out the man I was married to was having an affair with a stripper! I feel or at least I get the message here that you are blaming yourself? If you feel like “going there” then ok I guess. At least be conscious of what you are doing to yourself.

    I really feel like giving you a shake :) but I dont want to be your nasty voice.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:42pm

  82. 82: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Ingrid, dear Goddess,
    thank you I feel crying for you. Because I can imagine your pain. But dear Goddess, You do not have to suffer.

    You will pass through this pain and humilation and you will find your beautiful Ingrid. You will forget about this nightmare. You made the right thing, because you can not vegetate in the pain this man caused you. You have this insecurity. I would feel less attractive, I would feel so much pain, I would feel so much much pain. But Ingrid, it is not YOUR issue, it is not about YOU. it is the problem of your husband. it is HIS problem. There are plenty of men who do not want this play with so different women,There are a lot of men who want love, not play. If your husband needs play, he hides a lot of issues inside him, like a play or alcohol addiction, HE has to deal with his problems.Please do not think anything about you!!! You have not to doubt about your beauty, about your feminity, because it can shake every woman’s self-confidence. But he is toxic for you because you suffer. Do not be used to suffer, do not get used to be humiliated, to live in a dark light, to live in a mess, in pain, tears and feeling every nasty feeling.
    You can have today one husband, tomorrow another husband, the day after tomorrow a new boyfriend. But you will have always with you the most important person in your life – Ingrid!!! So please take care of her.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:47pm

  83. 83: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I find myself having trouble just dealing with my run of the mill jealous feelings, never mind a freakin stripper my husband is frequenting. I would be on the floor picking up my own body parts. Oh how to put Tina back together. Oh dear she fell apart , I mean literally lol.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:48pm

  84. 84: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Personally, I dont have a problem with strippers, hell I want to be a stripper :) or at least feel like one, I havnt done this, but I do want to buy a freakin pole! or take classes or something.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:54pm

  85. 85: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Ingrid,
    I forgot to tell you something. Every girl I knew from these places (I got a friend she introduced me to the striptease dancers), would never wish such a job for her daughter, it is a hard deal. There are few of them who are genuinely attracted to this job.
    So doing the job like this it is a hard choice, and does not have to be judged, only the most girls do suffer, so they would so much like to have a more normal life, believe me.A lot of them would be envious about normal women. I talked to my friend about it and her friends confirmed it.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:55pm

  86. 86: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel envious :) I love my feelings of envy.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 1:56pm

  87. 87: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I want men to pay when they come see me! I dont mind nickels and dimes or even a fucken dollar bill in my g string! damnit!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 2:02pm

  88. 88: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Tina,

    this job can seem something of interesting. But I saw my friend and other girls who would never tell about this job to a man or a new guy. Yes, maybe on a private level, it can be interesting and challenging to be a sexy hot thing.
    But when it gets a job, it certainly can be used to , but myself I would feel uncomfortable to show myself to all the drunken jerks around (i do generalize, please forgive me, but I express my feelings who would want me.) I do not show my sexuality and my very intimate part to everyone. Maybe this is my issue, it is maybe my problem. But I want to keep something for me. And so I can understand the girls, it is a hard choice, if not taken seriously and enjoyed, good for them, but for me it would be really tough.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 2:03pm

  89. 89: SoignéeNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Tina,
    dollars are always welcomed, also in g string!:):)

    I can have these dollars in some softer ways. Also from men.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 2:05pm

  90. 90: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I dont mean nickles and dimes* hehe me bad

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 2:05pm

  91. 91: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Actually, ya know what, I like dancing period. I wanna be a go go dancer :)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 2:12pm

  92. 92: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina you are so cool. I love you. As always you open me up.

    Thanks!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 3:06pm

  93. 93: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Daria, your welcome. I feel all happy, my roots are all sticking out :)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 3:23pm

  94. 94: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I love your roots. Really I do . They probably look fly

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 3:27pm

  95. 95: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Well Daria, I decided to wash and deep condition instead. I did manage to wash part of the floor, the part where all the coffee stains are leading to the computer :) I managed to stack the toilet paper in the bathroom, I didnt wash the dishes. I;m going to do an exfoliation on my face with sea salt and grapeseed oil then shower and shave my legs and then give myself a proper pedicure. Oh I did manage to wash the pots and pans :) Today is like scrubby day, I’m having a scrubby day. My hair is clean! I might even give myself a manicure. I lost a pound and a half inch off my waist. I love my winter fat! I ate a can of tuna fish and took my vitamins. I might do my eyebrows, after I exfoliate! ok im going to eat an apple :)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:35pm

  96. 96: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina I took pictures of my butt in short shorts, my butt has a dip under the cheek on the left side. It is a “flaw” and looks incredibly sexy. I want to put the pictures up online but I feel afraid…

    one not so good feeling guy I talked to last week said something about my not wanting to have convos about sex what do i expect when i have these pictures up – I flashed at him and lost it and rambled for 2 minutes about how im wearing boxers in them and i wear that all the time and can come out on the fuckin porch like that. Grrr. Now I feel afriad to post up sexy pics of my butt in cutoff shorts.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:40pm

  97. 97: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I am intrigued with your flaw on your butt cheek lol. I just had an image in my head about driving around flashing guys lol.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:45pm

  98. 98: siaNo Gravatar says:

    oh dear girls, where are you posting!
    so glad I caught it.
    I asked Rori whether she would organize the site differently, because one girl didn’t get any reply to her urgent question, as she was posting on an old post.
    Rori said to me it doesn’t matter:(
    I felt like I don’t matter.

    In Turkey men considered me easy because my hair wasn’t covered. i wouldn’t experiment with shorts myself, it is too ingrained in them, ways of easy women beat any ‘hard to get’ slogan

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:48pm

  99. 99: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, I would flash guys with a nice bra on lol. HEY BUDDY ! then FLASH my red bra :)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:49pm

  100. 100: EarthdancerNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Ingrid; I am feeling triggered I am feeling angry grrr…I was in the same situation with my then husband many years ago…

    You can use your ‘boy’ energy to do things around the house or hire someone who will… or meet someone who would be happy to help you. For me, getting divorced from this toxic man was the best thing I ever did for ME. I FOUND “ME” again after trying so hard to be what he wanted/needed to make him love me, and that didn’t work…yes, I had two boys ages 11 and 9 and it was HARD to raise them on my own, but I did and they are great men today.

    Love yourself, respect yourself, and take care of yourself, you deserve a better man…sending hugs to you :)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:53pm

  101. 101: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe Tina ! I love the idea of flashing… especially if I was in a train. HAHA.

    Sia – yes the perceptions may be ingrained but the truth is the REAL YOU shines through to anyone with even a tiny crack in their perception open. To others I practice saying I feel angry etc.

    I have overcome many stereotypes that most people don’t – I have been respected like a man by men who wouldn’t respect women, because I believed in myself. It shows in the way I carry myself, my body language, this is what the world can read it, those who can’t will simply hit my boundary and thats it.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:54pm

  102. 102: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel like doing something outragous! :)

    Wow , sia somehow I dont feel so bad about my roots poking out.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:55pm

  103. 103: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I also had to open up my own perceptions of men being “Bad” for doing certain things, in order to clear out my vibe and body languages… often I felt SHOCKED but I let it be wihtout judgement, I feel proud I know I can be whatever I want to be even a man. Now I want to be a woman.

    I now feel challenged to put the pictures up

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 4:57pm

  104. 104: siaNo Gravatar says:

    pictures are not enough! let’s walk around naked and demand respect!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:00pm

  105. 105: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    OMG I DID !! IT!! I FEEL SCARED AND EXCITED AND SIMLY!!!!! OHHH MY GOOODDDDDD

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:03pm

  106. 106: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia – let’s do it!!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:04pm

  107. 107: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Women reclaiming the world !

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:05pm

  108. 108: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina ! I have it up on my blog now! WARNING WARNING! lol

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:10pm

  109. 109: siaNo Gravatar says:

    BUT!

    how did sexuality work in olden era when everybody was naked all the time? Men are said to be visual, but it must have been worn off then, otherwise no hunting/nesting would get done.

    Wouldn’t improved sense of smell have to come as well? Wouldn’t we need to stop washing and using deodorants, or something>?

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:19pm

  110. 110: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hey cool let’s all go check out Daria’s bum cheek!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:20pm

  111. 111: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia – yes! Men are supposed to be visual , but it’s really ABOUT THE VIBE!!! hehee

    when I herd that Napoleon didn’t want Josephine to wash I freakin got it stuck in my subconcious and now I still can’t get myself to take showers everyday lol

    But I do use that Salt Stick under my arms

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:22pm

  112. 112: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    LOL TINA! YES LETS ALL DO THAT!

    I LOVE THE ATTENTION! I LOVE ATTENTION AND I AM PROUD!! HAHAHAHAA

    sometimes I can walk by men and they will not see me (turning down my vibe) sometimes I open up my vibe AND EVERYONE looks at me… dressed or “undressed”

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:23pm

  113. 113: siaNo Gravatar says:

    where is that bum cheek we hear so much about?:)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:25pm

  114. 114: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol sia click on my name where its in red at

    Daria says:

    BUT WARNIGN YOU WILL GET AN EYEFUL LOL

    I feel sooo much energy moving through me I keep giggling and giggling its intense whoa

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:26pm

  115. 115: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Warning! Daria’s bum cheek is on the loose!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:29pm

  116. 116: siaNo Gravatar says:

    Thet is a good pick!
    I wouldn’t worry men would assume you want to talk about sex seeing this. Surely they would rather ask about books in the background:)

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:33pm

  117. 117: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Hahaha — catch it if you can!

    I have a girlfriend that always dresses up in very short shorts and shirts when we go out. Always. That is how she dresses. I feel uncomfortable and afraid walking with her sometimes, and I am clearing that out!

    On Holloween 2008 we wore lingerie on the street. I had a corset and a (fullback) bikini with garters…

    I felt SOO revealed but I also felt sexy! we walked around in SF on Broadway and it felt like everyone was like WOW! They did respect US aaaand… men were pulling out their phones to videotape us!! I felt like I was floating on air… everything was moving fast and I WAS SMILING SO HARD!!! fortunately I didn’t feel tightened up. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO AMAZING!!!

    I saw my ex and his wife who was my ex best friend who betrayed me, they tried to jump out and scare me I was so SMILY They got a big smile and HI.. I FELT SOO GOOD I felt EVEN BETTER they were probably like WOW. I FELT AND LOOKED AMAZING.

    I feel some of that feeling right now!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:34pm

  118. 118: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Tina and Daria:

    Are you two all right? I worry about you both by your posts above and all you say. Do you both feel loved? Why do you want to be a pole dancer? Why do you seem to not care what you do? There are many people in your life who love you I’m sure and want you to have dignity, self-esteem and love for yourselves. I feel you are both awesome women, but I just hate seeing both of you beating yourselves up for no reason at all. This grieves me Tina and Daria.

    If anyone has reason for low self-esteem it should be me, with my beloved hubby for 22 years seeking strippers over his family and his wife, ((me).. I do know enough I think to take your fine ladies’ advice and come to knot it’s not me, it’s him, that has the infidelity problem. YIKES~~~~ Still, it is so hard on me and on my kids as were are separated again, for the 4th time in 2 years and my heart is broken, over his continuing infidelity. You ladies who are not married, I say enjoy your freedom~ Be glad you are not suffering for love’s sake. For it can kill you.

    See the movie “Bright Star” about the poet Keats. It’s beautiful and the clothes are wonderful~~~

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:34pm

  119. 119: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel EXHILARATED!

    I love this feeling! it feels like FLYING!!! it’s my favorite feeling!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:35pm

  120. 120: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Here comes the confusion !!!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:35pm

  121. 121: siaNo Gravatar says:

    and how long your hair was growing. Don’t you get that all the time? I used to when my hair was this long

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:36pm

  122. 122: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m ready for you confusion!!! I don’t want to feel bad!!! I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!!!!

    I was already expecting youuuuuu! THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU !!!

    I FEEL LIKE AN ANGEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!! SOARING THRU THE BUILDINGS AND ALL THE STARS BLINKING AND SWIRLING AT RAPID SPEED!!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:36pm

  123. 123: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia LoL! yes surely they will talk about books and hair.

    after all, what else is there to talk about! HAHA.

    yes I get it all the time. That’s part of why I kept it. I like that it’s a lil unusual to have hair so long.

    I’m thinking to color it bright blonde, it’s a Henna color, but its gonna come out really bright mustard blonde I think, so it’s gonna be for impact.

    I like IMPACT!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:39pm

  124. 124: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Still……I wonder (and worry)about you Tina and you Daria. Your posts worry me. Although I do not know you both, still, I want you both to be happy and fulfilled, and I fear you are both diving off the deep end. I’m sorry for relaying this, but i just have to say something to both of you.

    Question: May I ask you both about your lives now? What are your lives like? I’d really like to know? Are you married? kids? jobs? stay at home moms like me? What jobs do you have? I am sorry to intrude but whilst reading both your posts, I was really worried about you both.

    God loves you.

    Love,
    Ingrid

    P.S. If you want to converse ever, leave me your e-mail addresses if you please.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:54pm

  125. 125: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Sia, my hair is long, waist length and dark brown. My roots are popping out though, I decided not to color it and wait until my eco friendly hair dye shows up in the mail.

    Ingrid, because that is what strippers do, they dance on poles , I would love to be so daring. I feel not so “ballsy” I guess. I feel like a daring pole dancer. I want to feel like the stripper with a flaw, like the flaw on Daria’s but cheek. I guess what I’m getting at is acceptance, love my flaws, I love my flaws, I love Daria’s flawed cheek hehehe.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 5:58pm

  126. 126: siaNo Gravatar says:

    hi ingrid,
    maybe you are taking it too literally? If someone has high respect for themselves, they can say controversial things about themselves and it is fine. They might sound exactly as talk of someone who doesn’t love themselves, but it is all just play.
    Everyone has a different sense of humour, and in good will, nothing is utterly wrong.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:01pm

  127. 127: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ok, Ingrid, I feel like I need to qualify myself here. I feel unqualified :( what a trigger oh crap! bbl I have to pick up my son.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:03pm

  128. 128: siaNo Gravatar says:

    Tina, don’t you get angry when you watch Lost or other out of civilization movies, and the heroines have highlights and no drugstores around, yet no roots! I feel ridiculously envious of them.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:03pm

  129. 129: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ingrid —

    I (and I’d bet Tina too) do care what I do. I do what feels good to me. I seem to not care about what OTHERS think because my self esteem is high and I love myself, and I love liberating myself.

    I am not beating myself up. Beating myself up would be saying… ohhh I want this but I don’t deserve it… or I’m a horrible person… or etc.

    I’m celebrating myself. It may look strange because indeed it’s unusual for some to feel this free. And I am BOLD.

    I have huge amount of DIGNITY. My heart swells up with pride and joy at myself. I love being silly and bold and unfettered. I am Baubo the belly Goddess of laughter of lewd antics

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:07pm

  130. 130: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    OK. I guess I take myself too seriously, I know I do. I want love, passion, fidelity, family, etc. and I am completely and utterly devastated when my h of over 20 years doesn’t want it too. I cannot make a joke about it sorry.
    \
    If anyone has any serious offerings, please offer it.

    Thanks,

    Ingrid

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:14pm

  131. 131: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    “The goddess Baubo: Who is this mystery woman? She is Baubo, a fun-loving, bawdy, jesting, sexually liberated—yet very wise—goddess who plays a crucial, healing role in the Eleusian mysteries of ancient Greece.”

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:18pm

  132. 132: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    So this is where everyone is…. !

    Ingrid – if it was me I would feel devastated too – and I’d also, like you, take time out to get my balance. An affair is a huge betrayal of trust! What you’re doing feels right to me, take time to heal and then you can choose from your options.

    I’d focus on my own life, when ready start adding to my diary where I can, interests, adventures and gifts. Change your hair, meet friends, read a good book. I’m reading Eat Pray Love again – in the first section she describes all her reactions to her marriage and her rebound love – it feels so raw and authentic.

    I know it’s harder if you have kids at home – well that’s my experience, mine’s 20 now though – but reading, cds etc for self-support got me through heartache in the past.

    Focus on NOW and the future will shape up. I feel your devastation and my heart goes out to you xx

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:28pm

  133. 133: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Ouch. Ingrid I feel defensive. That doesn’t feel good to read. I feel angry.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:28pm

  134. 134: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    My comment feels advice-y reading it back – and it’s not meant to be, just saying what I’ve learned from my own experience.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:39pm

  135. 135: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Daria – am feeling awkward – enjoying your banter with Tina and your Baubo belly goddess… and also noticing Ingrid’s pain. xx

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:42pm

  136. 136: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yes I notice her pain too and I felt like hugging her and now I feel defensive and closed off.

    I want to hear and be supportive and I DON’t WANT TO FEEL ATTACKED OR BAD when I’m doing that witha man or woman.

    I am no longer putting myself second. And that’s a promise. An intent. A boundary.

    I am on team Daria.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:44pm

  137. 137: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    Hugs Daria xx

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:48pm

  138. 138: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks heartbeat. Hugs back.

    I am working thru big triggers on this lately.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 6:59pm

  139. 139: heartbeatNo Gravatar says:

    I hear you, Daria. xx

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 7:03pm

  140. 140: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Welcome Earthdancer, and thank you for your story and your voice…Love, Rori

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 7:48pm

  141. 141: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ingrid, why do you engage? what are you feeling when your engaging him?

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:00pm

  142. 142: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Am also reading “Eat Pray Love” just now. I really like it, but it’s kinda weird once she’s getting into the Ashram. Dunno. This is how I feel. All the Ashram stuff is sorta bizarre……

    Ladies: I need all the help I can get as I am in so much pain these days. I do not know how to even get myself back or be a separate person without my husband. He was not only my husband and dad of my kids, but my best friend too, and the one person I';d wanted to be with more than anyone. I do not even know who I am anymore. How do you even find out? I lost myself. I am separated from my hubby of 22 years, something I don’t want, and I pray for my h’s conversion, but at the same time, I know I need to take care of myself, but I don’t know how. I used to do everything with my hubby. Everything. Without him, I don’t know how to live. This is so weak, I know. But I want to get better.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:06pm

  143. 143: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    sia, if I was on Lost Island, I’d be looking long and hard for beauty products. I hope there’s coconuts there. I’m a survivor damnit lol

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:08pm

  144. 144: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Tina: you ask “why do I engage? I guess I engage when I am feeling angry. And I need to vent. I guess I should not vent to HIM, maybe elsewhere. He even said when I engage and vent to him with all my anger, etc. it puts a wedge between us…..LOL as if HE didn’t put a wedge between us with his affair?????Still, you are right…I am having such a hard time dis-engaging. When I am feeling angry, and hurt, I will write him nasty e-mails, which I know I shouldn’t do…..as Rori says when you want him back…..let him come to you……let him work to get you back….etc. Still do not know exactly what this means but I would like to know…….thank you Tina for asking the question.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:13pm

  145. 145: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Ingrid, this “feeling” your discribing feels like to me, picking my body parts off the floor :) where do I start? my brain is over there, my arm is out of reach, fuck I;m a mess! I love my broken parts, all scattered over the kitchen floor *sniff

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:15pm

  146. 146: IngridNo Gravatar says:

    Yes Tina I know. It’s like picking all my body parts off the floor and putting them back together. It’s the most horrible feeling I have ever been through in my life. Thank you for understanding.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:35pm

  147. 147: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    My vagjayjay, WHERE IS MY VAGJAYJAY!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:41pm

  148. 148: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I crack me up hehehe ! Daria’s crack lol cracks me up! I love my cracks hehehehe, I’m literally rolling of the floor laughing my ass off. I love my roots popping out of my head, I”m missing my vagjayjay oh my god. Yes, I have gone off the deep end folks!

    Daria’s bum cheeks rock!

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:51pm

  149. 149: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    lol Tina I am laughing too…

    i feel tired of seeing my butt in my face it’s energy feels overwhelming now. I’m gonna go out to this show close by and clear out my energy

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 8:57pm

  150. 150: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    so my cousin was wrong

    men were not turned off by my butt looking like a baby infant’s… by my pussy lips looking like an older woman’s … or by my tummy looking like im pregnant … or by my “tribal” titties

    sorry cuz!

    hehe… im the prettier cousin after all lol

    lol jk

    we’re both the pretty cousin

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 9:03pm

  151. 151: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you Daria, for allowing us to see your bum :) I have no bum, like my bum is kinda flat, but when I workout it gets much rounder, I feel envious.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 9:04pm

  152. 152: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I feel flawed, I feel imperfect, I feel like a bruised apple, apples dont have feelings crazy lol. who knows maybe apples do have feelings. I feel like a bruised, flawed apple. When people go shopping they look for the good apples, yeah I’ll make apple pie, when your apple is bruised, make apple pie! does that mean Im a bad apple? lol I’m a bad apple.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 9:38pm

  153. 153: TinaNo Gravatar says:

    I’m not overly religious, I was thinking adam gave eve a bruised apple, thats how her feelings was created.

    Saturday, 6 March 2010 @ 9:47pm

  154. 154: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori: i have your e-book and the Have the Relationship You Want CDs and I love them.
    I am practicing the tools and speaking in feeling messages when I remember and I am reading the -ebook and listening to the CDs several times, until it goes into my unconcious. I still feel silly speaking in feeling messages to my husband and men in general . I is not the easy for me yet. I notice that my husband is more relax when I speak in feeling messages. My mom says that I get upset for no reason. I feel that my husbandis colder than I expected, I should have notice that from the beginning, but I probably did not want to notice, he has so many good qualities. We have three children.
    My marriage has had its ups and downs in the fifteen years that we have been toguether, and I want to feel happier.
    Some questions :
    1.- Some days I like to cook and I feel happy when I cook these days ( I cook for two or three
    days, but sometimes my husband likes it so much that he finishes everything and I have to cook the next day when I am not inspired; the good thing is that I feel happy that he likes my food). You recommend not to do anything for him, but if I feel happy to cook the days that I am inspired, what should I do ?.
    The days that I am not inspired , I feel very happy to order out if there are not left overs

    2.- When you suggest change everything : I like to dress up, even when I am at home I like to wear high heels, dress up, wear make up and some jewerly, it makes me feel happy to dress up.
    If I change the way I dress , to say , t-shirts and sweat pants and sneakears at home( I wear that only for the gym) , I know that I will not feel good.
    What should I do ?

    Saturday, 8 May 2010 @ 6:32pm

  155. 155: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Isa, Welcome, and I love that you’re following your inspiration – just keep doing that. If you ever notice you’re angry or disappointed – look to see what EFFORT you may have put out before…that will show you that you weren’t following inspiration at that moment – but had an “agenda.” Love, Rori

    Monday, 10 May 2010 @ 9:57am

  156. 156: NigelNo Gravatar says:

    This is the most enlightening website I have ever read. It may seem odd to have a man reading or even admiting to reading such a site, but I came here searching for answers to questions in a bid to save my marriage.

    I work a lot away from home and never strayed. I have over the last six months developed a bond with friend who I used to go to dinner with regularly for company. As consequence of this I discovered a bombshell question, I came to question my marriage as to whether it was a habit or still real.

    Part of the problem is that my friend did a lot of the things you suggest on your web site, about being vunerable but strong, and it very much appealed to the White Knight in me. I started wanting to help her and protect her. She is a lovely person who had been dumped on by too many men, but patently was looking for the wrong things in her men, too much window dressing and not enough substance. I helped her create the list on what were her priorities in man, help build her confidence in herself and tried to set her up with dates with friends who were single and fitted her criteria.
    The consequences are certainly not what I expected, and we both were surprised with the emotional bond that developed. I think she did this because she felt safe in my company and not out of any other motive.

    I awoke to suddenly realise I was in trouble emotionally and there were serious implications for my marriage. Loving my wife is not something to be given up lightly as we have been together for 31 years 23 married through thick and thin and so far we have shared rich and varied lives together. I want this to continue but only for the right reasons.

    I have been finding it hard to feel as a man should do, who is in love with his wife. There has been significant turmoil with my emotions where I have felt more concern for my friend than I have for my wife and this is not right. This is not a line, this was real, and has caused me to question my whole marriage as to whether it is now just a comfortable habit after 23 years, or if there is really more. I don’t want to end up in 15 or 25 years like my parents where it was/is a constant battle and the love that was once there has been forgotten, poisoned and destroyed totally.

    If we have fallen out of love (as my wife suggested) then we should owe to the other to give each other a chance of love again. At the moment I’m really fond of my wife because of all that we have shared together, but is it really love anymore? I’m not expecting the thrill of youth here either, but rather that deep well of affection that makes one leap to the defence of the other, and to have concern and yearning. This has been found wanting in me, having been replaced by duty and loyalty (well up until I met my friend), that is not love but is respect.

    My friend really gave me something I needed at an emotional level and I fufilled her emotionally in return. This was real and lovely and really unexpected. We both needed to be needed while she gave me that, I came to realised I have become marginalised at home, going out to work, kept happy by being allowed my toys and spoilt at a certain level, but bereft at another becoming more isolated within the home. I have spent more quality time with this friend one to one in the last 3 months than I have with my wife in the last 6 years. Through her I have realised that there is a very poor balance on the time my wife and I have spent together. My Mother-in Law living with us doesn’t help, but other friends have equal issues with kids so maybe I’m being petulant and selfish. In reality I think I’ve been using my Mother-in-Law as an excuse to keep us apart along with work and games. On analysis it dawned on me that at an emotional level there were problems our marriage that pre dated meeting my friend by several years.

    Life or rather death and illness have taken chunks out both of my wife and myself. In protecting ourselves I have grown apart from her with each of us having different needs, which the other can’t fulfil. Love is about compromise and if we trust to this we will find a safe path, but if the love has gone then the compromises and balance maybe wrong. This is a rocky road we are on and boy are we having highs and lows, with more lows than highs.

    Comments about children has also raised questions as to whether I could or would want to be a father, and like her I’m at the last chance saloon. I know my wife and I can’t have kids for what ever reason (no medical reason), and those thoughts too have been bouncing around my head. I thought I had laid that ghost to rest along time ago, but unfortunately they were re-awoken (unintentionally).

    I felt something for for my friend which I have not felt in a long while and this was reciprocated. Those are the feelings I used to experience with my wife which I suddenly realised were memories and not realities with her any more. In so many ways my friend is like my wife and yet in others, the antithesis. With my friend feelings came without thought while at home I have to think to remind myself what to do. It shouldn’t be like that.

    I came recklessly close to jacking it all in and leaving my wife to try and join my friend, but I knew this wasn’t right as I hadn’t given this marriage enough of a chance to recover what it had lost.

    I do currently feel very confused with regards to my friend, who has bravely walked away realising the turmoil being created. Love is not a game, it is not to be toyed with or denied as it comes along so rarely. All those who do toy with or deny it end up with dreadfully unhappy lives. To recognise it, acknowledge it, and accept it are the only things to do. Yes we have to walk away from it occasionally for the right reasons.

    In this case I currently beleive it is, as it will cause too much damage, however I have the battle to recover/rekindle my marriage yet to come. Those of you who think this is all a betrayal are wrong, as it has been a wake up call. Without my friend and the bond developing I believe that my marriage would have reached a state of indifference, from which no relationship can recover.
    Hate is not the opposite of love, rather it is indifference where you care not a a jot for the other person, hate can show you still care even if it is in a warped way. Indifference is where love truely dies.

    Reading your various articles has helped give me insight in to the pain and angst that I must be causing to both my wife and my friend, and also helped me understand certain behaviours and reactions and why these have occurred. Through this I will try and find the right thing to do.

    I know those of you who will read this will have strong opinions but I expect that.

    Friday, 14 May 2010 @ 6:01am

  157. 157: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Nigel – Thank you so much for writing this…and here’s the deal – you’re clearly a terrific man, and the moment you spent ANY time at all with this other woman – as a “friend” – you were heading down the “rabbit hole.” You would never have been interested in her if you were not attracted to her, though you may have hid that from yourself. The question is – where was your wife all this time? SHE’S the one who needs to be here, getting help to get you back!!! She’s the one who needs my Modern Siren program…and to see if there’s anything here to salvage.

    For you — the reality is that what you have with this other woman may be a smokescreen, and may not last. She may not be able to sustain the parts of a relationship your wife was able to sustain all this time, though you lost the more thrilling parts. That would take time. This is John Edwards and Rielle Hunter – though you haven’t slept with your friend yet, I assume? This is so many men at this stage of life – and this is why we married women can’t get sloppy.

    I’d suggest counseling – if you can find a John Gottman style counselor – or a sex – based therapist like Todd Creager. But mostly – I can coach YOU!!! YOU have to TALK to your wife. You have to tell her what you NEED, what you WANT – and ask her what she’s willing to do to save your marriage. You might have to go away for a week and get alone. She may need to change the way she dresses and acts – she might be able to do this – and your “friend” may actually fade a bit if your wife gets more colorful. I’d download the ebook – tell her you were out looking for help and found this blog and this book – and leave the file open on the computer (or print it out and give it to her). Ask her how she FEELS about EVERYTHING, instead of what she THINKS – and don’t let her get away with NOT FEELING…I’ve worked with men, and this WORKS.

    For those women who are aghast that I’m taking this tack instead of knocking this guy on the head for going where he’s going…just know that would do him and us and his wife no good. It wouldn’t work to “blame” him – any more than it works to blame US – we’re just trying to figure out a way to save this thing. Attraction is not a choice. He cannot choose to be more emotionally attracted to his wife. She HAS to do some of the work here. And NIgel – YOU have to FACILITATE that. You owe this thing at least that – because otherwise you’ll have regrets – and then you’ll just end up in the same situation. Nigel, Let me know how you do…Love, Rori

    Friday, 14 May 2010 @ 10:42am

  158. 158: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Yay Rori! Yay Nigel!! I feel so curious what you do! You sound like an awesome and caring man!

    Friday, 14 May 2010 @ 10:58am

  159. 159: NigelNo Gravatar says:

    Rori – I have been thinking about your reply and the comment and points you raised. Just talking helps, so thankyou.

    On the “spending any time with my friend – you were heading down the “rabbit hole””, this I don’t agree with as I have worked with and had friendships with many women over the years. These have always been interesting, fun and always plutonic. In this case it was no different, until the realisation that I had feelings. It may interest you that all these women are attractive in various ways, from their personality, flirtatiousness, humour, voice, looks etc. However at that deep emotional level none of them ever came close to breaking in, because it was just that friendship.

    With regards to sleeping with my friend the answer is no we haven’t and as we have walked away from each other, this is not going to occur.

    My wife and I are talking, reaching to each others feelings, however this can be very volatile with large explosive exchanges, diatribes every couple of days but thanks to you I can see my way through her anger and still be there at the other side rather than doing the “walk away”. Each time things are improving, but she is highlighting to me that our interests have diverged. I’m still wanting to do physical activities and challenges (old rouge elephant stuff) while she wants restaurants and civilised travel (mind you she has a point. A good restaurant in Rome on a spring day is hard to beat). Maybe it is the male Men – “O” – Pause, trying to re-discover that youth as we have done a lot of “civilised travel” and the last trip was too hotel and restaurant in my book.

    We have been taking days away with each other but these have been varied in their success. It is too early to get away for a week, as we will probably just scrap, which we can do at home. A recent trip away with Mother-in-Law in tow was however disasterous with the big “Divorce” looming for several days as a result of my petulant/resentful behaviour.

    With my friend now dating other men I thought I might put some of my behaviours and feelings behind me and lay to rest that emotional attachement and any consequential feeling. Time has however confirmed that it wasn’t just my friend’s influence and that there are deeper issues to resolve.

    One difficulty I am having is because I’m the one who became aware of the changes/disfunction in our marriage and rocked the boat, I’m finding I’m the one who has to fix it, alone. I’m not sure it can be fixed alone.

    Daria – regarding my work I’m a freelance management consultant.

    Tuesday, 18 May 2010 @ 10:53pm

  160. 160: DariaNo Gravatar says:

    Lol! Nigel how cute! I meant what you do in this situation…

    It would feel really good to have some help with marketing my business if that is part of your expertise or interest as management consultant

    It can be fixed alone… if it can be fixed.

    When the way you communicate and act changes, the other person’s reactions and responses must change as well.

    Rori doesn’t have stuff written out for men, but I bet she can help you one-on-one with her coaching.

    If your wife were to get an interest in Rori’s stuff… she could really benefit as well. It might be a possibility for you to direct her to Rori and even maybe purchase the e-book or a program for her, and ask her to check it out because you think it’s good.

    (This by the way doesn’t work as a woman with men — asking them to check out stuff cuz you thought it was good and would help the relationship– but I think Because of that it would work with a woman)

    Tuesday, 18 May 2010 @ 11:42pm

  161. 161: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    It is interesting to know a male point of view.

    I was feeling like walking in the park, with my husband and children, one sunny Saturday day, and I told him that I wanted to do that ( he does not like walking on the park, but I do ). But, we went to the Statue of Liberty instead. I was feeling dissapointed and sad, but I though :” What the heek ! It is sunny, we are all healthy, I just want to have a happy day !!,

    I used some of the tools in Lori’s Reconnect CD
    ( walking into the mud of my emotions and going out of the tunnel several times in my imagination,
    I became a plant that was being water and I was feeling grateful , I keep on repeating to myself ” even though we are not walking on the park, I deepply and completely , love and accept myself “, live the present ( looking at the waves, it was so beautiful!) etc. All the yuki feelings, began to melt and were gone and left a feeling of peace. We really had great Saturday together.

    I know that you can begin to have feelings for other person, when you have been married for so many years and had been ups und downs, I hope that you and your wife can regain the feelings of love that brough the two of you together and maybe have more good feelings for each other now.

    Friday, 21 May 2010 @ 5:22pm

  162. 162: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori:
    Your program works, “if I use it “. I bought some pink blouses, I feel ” vulnerable “, little unconfortable, I am more for bright reds, blues, and all the colors of the rainbow, except pink.

    How can I remember to use feeling messages and all the tools? When I use them , they work, I feel more relaxed, happier, but then I blow it, I forget or I just want to talk more. Do I have to use feeling messages all the time ? I still feel silly doing that, nobody that I know talk like, that all the time, sometimes I do it to see what happens, and I see that my husband’s face lights up. And sometimes I feel silly, really silly. Things are better with my husband.

    Thursday, 10 June 2010 @ 5:44pm

  163. 163: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Isa, Welcome – and you have your own answer – you do it because it works – it feels good, it gets you connected to your husband on a deeper level. And- the way to “remember” is just to PRACTICE. Just DO it. Feeling Messages is not a lifestyle – it’s a tool. Like practicing at the barre in ballet and the scales in instrumental music. It’s basic to good communication and emotional resonance. And it can become a lovely lifestyle, too, as you learn more and more and go deeper and deeper…Love, Rori

    Thursday, 10 June 2010 @ 8:56pm

  164. 164: jNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Rori,
    I am married for 12 years.Though there is so much to write to you but i will try to keep it short. From the very beginning I was humiliated in my marriage both physically and emotionally. He forced on me certain issues which were neither healthy nor required. However there was lack on my part also which i now realise(leaning forward, not setting boundaries,and also masculine energy. Yes we were taught to give(masculine energy), to adjust with the less. Thanks a lot for showing the light. I now know my shortcomings and trying to change. I have come to a point where there is neither emotional intimacy nor physical. From the very beginning my husband wanted me to take all the responsibility of the house so that he can concentrate on his career. He never helps me in any work even when i am sick and stays away from me. I go to hospitals alone even when i am in terrible pain. and also take care of the house and kid as i have not much support here. he is successful in his career.In addition to that he talks badly in my name to his friends and family as i listen quite a lot negative things from them.They support him as they get benefits from him.He is not interested in me . only for time being to have a wife at home to manage the things. He travels a lot. I wanted to know how to set boundaries? I wanted to set one. I asked him several times where i stand in his life. What are his relationship goals?(I wanted to have another kid but did not pay any attention to it) and I expressed my feeling messages that i feel i am used and hence angry and i don’t want to feel this ways. he does not say anything.. days and months pass. he is never there emotionally for me.Where do i turn? After i talk to him i feel more bad about myself.When i press the matter i listen its all my fault.I don’t have support but i want to support myself and want to be free of this pain as i feel i cannot take it anymore but i am not able to take my focus away from him. i keep thinking about my past and present.I have ordered you ebook and started working on that but what do i do now. I feel hpoeless now. my question is however unattractive one’s partner is but when someone’s partner is physically unwell should the other partner leaves her alone and expect her to do more for him? He had already left me in the past for 1 year and suddenly one day he came and wanted me to come to him and i came back (though i did not want)and this is my situation now. I just know i want to feel better about myself. I am in pain and if you could give me some help that would be a great help. i would not like my name or email to be published.
    Thanking you,
    J

    Saturday, 3 July 2010 @ 5:43am

  165. 165: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Hi – “J” – I changed your name – please, please be careful and use a fake name next time – I may not be able to catch it again. I want to hug you and get you out of this marriage. You have SO much work to do to beef up your self-respect (is some of this deference to him cultural – your religious, cultural, or the country you were raised in?) You are living, it seems, without love. I do not want that for you. Once you begin to believe you deserve love, and not what you have from him – your vibe will change – and either he will change, or you will move on. Love, Rori

    Saturday, 3 July 2010 @ 9:31am

  166. 166: NigelNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Ladies

    Just an update to thankyou all. We are well on the way to marriage recovery. It helps having been at home for the last couple of moths and talking things though, drawing out all the little things that make a relationship work. Your insight to behaviours stopped this Old Rogue Elephant from walking away and allowed me to understand the pain I was causing. Oddly enough there has been a lot in the press here about the male Men-O-Pause and boy do I fit that behaviour, so watch out for this being a cause. Your insights stopped me being silly and burning bridges, but also I recognised something was wrong and was lucky enough to confront it.
    Its not been easy but poetry and cooking (both by me) can help.

    A hushing train rolls away into the sunset new
    I gaze upon this gentle valley and think of you.
    Long shadows cast by golden streaks doth see
    Beyond this day of passions peaks I will agree
    To long lingering memories that frequent
    This aching heart with a fresh lament
    As Sky Larks wheel above their nests
    Your song does sing to me again this day
    Within this kindly mind with which I pray
    For you to see my love true and right
    And cease and rest your soul again within its light.

    Cooking on a website is however too messy.

    Love to you All
    And Bumble Bees fly home to rest

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 9:02am

  167. 167: LisaNo Gravatar says:

    Champion news, Nigel — I am so glad to hear it!

    This can be a miracle sight.

    Wednesday, 21 July 2010 @ 11:46am

  168. 168: AnnNo Gravatar says:

    Well, I have been reading just about everything I can find at this site and others and have found some “ah ha” moments in everyone’s comments. . . I just wanted to throw my situation out here and see what others, an especially Rori’s, opinion may be:

    I have been with the same man for 24 years, married for 22 years, we have three grown children that I stayed home and raised. During the course of the years I have ventured out and mostly finished my schooling while raising the kids, taking care of our home, and being there for my husband when ever he was at home, (he drove over the road for several years and just quit doing so about 8 years ago) Over the years I had learn that while he was gone he had what he calls a “private life.” This private life consisted of various degrees of porn but I never thought he ever became physically or emotionally involved with anyone other then me. Over the span of 12 to 15 years I believed everything my husband ever told me. Ranging from very important topics to very minuet discussions because he was always a man of integrity to me and our kids. He lived by the saying, “I don’t like liars and don’t have any time of day for them.”

    Well, as I began to grow and change I found out that during his brief stays at home and eventually when he was home full time that when we were talking just about anything that he would only tell me incomplete stories, or the half truth of a situation so I, in his words, wouldn’t have to deal with the problem or what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

    After catching him several, several times over the years regarding his half truths, I could not longer believe a word that came out of his mouth and became very bitter, angry, hurt, and shut down in our relationship. I also became very suspicious of his every movement and lost the “trust factor” in our lives. I felt like I was being replaced by the porn, be it magazines, vhs, dvd’s, or what ever he could find free on the computer. I shut down even more and so did our sex life for the last 5 years.

    In more recent events I thought I would give our relationship one more saving grace, and instead of taking a vacation alone that we would go together. This was a huge dilemma on his part and he just had a real hard time committing to going but finally did. I thought we had a great week . . .the first time we have been alone for entire week without our kids . . .

    Three weeks after our vacation things were back to “normal” no communication, half truths, and complete seclusion from one another. He works third shift in a “factory” and I was up very late working on a paper for work and decide to reach out and do what I thought at the time was a thoughtful jester and take him lunch. As I got to the parking lot I saw my husband getting into his car with a female co-worker. They sat and talked, laughed etc . . .I was shocked and ended up sitting in my car the entire night trying to believe what my eyes just saw. I never told him . . .I kept it to myself. A week later he approached me and told me that he still loved me but wasn’t in love with me and asked me how I felt. I told him that I loved him and was still in love with him & I had to leave the discussion because all I could envision was him in the car with her . . . Two days following I asked him if we could talk some more and that I thought maybe if we could look at our relationship and try to date one another that might help . . .he agreed! I was happy and thought that this might work for us.

    The next morning before I left for work and he was coming home I could see rage in his eyes and asked what was going on . . .”Some guy at work approached XXXXX (female co-worker) & asked her if she and I were having an affair.” I kept my mouth shut because I was wondering the same thing . . .I then stated, “I don’t know what you want me to say, but all I can tell you is if you approach this “guy” and say anything to him then you will be admitting to having an affair w/XXXXX.”

    All I have ever asked for in our relationship have been 5 things that tie together and one doesn’t work without the other: Communication, The Truth not Half Truths, Transparency, No Hiding (shut down), and to be 50/50 in all Major Decisions.

    Two more days later, that morning as my husband began to leave work he called me and asked if I wanted to meet for caffee at the cafe in town! i thought great maybe he is going to try this dating thing . . .Sure I will be right down. Then he said, ” well XXXXX is going to go with us since she wants to go over her notes from work and I only have a $1 on me so can you bring the checkbook with you?” I said “NO! Enjoy your morning I have better things to do!” and hung up! He came home an hour and a half later . . ..I had already left the house . . .They weren’t at the cafe . . .I drove by there.

    Later that night holding my composure as we where out with our daughter and getting back into the car, she heard/saw her Dad’s cell phone go off and told him that someone was calling: He had a major panic attack!!! He said it was work and that he was off that weekend and wasn’t going to answer. Well our youngest son also works there and was working that night. I told him to call back to make sure he was okay . . .My husband hesitated, and didn’t want to, took his sweet time to compose himself thinking that I or our daughter didn’t see the panic in his voice or demeanor. He finally called work, the supervisor said our son was fine but maybe he called and he would check. My husband hung up the phone and guarded his phone like a pit bull in heat for the rest of the night . . .He even slept on his phone that is how panicked he was.

    The next morning, as my husband was in the shower, I heard his phone ring from underneath his pillow. It was actually a text message under the name of the company that he works for. . . .A factory doesn’t have texting compatibilities . . . Odd, So I picked up the phone and the message simply read: “sooo sorry!” I looked at the number and jotted it down quickly and found it to be a cell number that you can’t trace on like to the owner. I called the number and the XXXXX answered the phone. I quickly hung up put the phone back where I found it. I got all the kids out of the house and made it look like to my husband we had the whole day to ourselves. After he got out of the shower . . .He was happy go lucky and there was not a sign of panic in him at all. And had to calm down I was shaking like a leaf and so many things were running through my mind.

    Finally, after I reached my calm and we were driving down the road, I exclaimed, “So tell me when you jumped into XXXXX car yesterday and drove off from work doesn’t that make it look like something is gong on with you two?” He said, “I never thought of it that way.” So tell me I said,”What does it look like or mean when you hid her phone number under the company name and she text you “sooo sorry”?” he slammed on the brakes of the car and tried to turn around and go home . . . I wouldn’t let him. You see if we would have gone home he wouldn’t have talked to me he would have only hidden in our bedroom for the remainder of the day.

    To finish this long, long story, I took his phone and began texting her . . .As soon as I said (acting like I was my husband) that I needed to make a decision if I was staying or going this marriage I need to know where I stand with you . . . .She ran as fast as a cheetah!!! She said she needed to give her marriage a shot one more time, made the point that his kids were grown and how would you deal with helping raise mine (He would run because he didn’t raise his own kids) . . .Once I told the F*&%$ B(&^%$ that she was talking to me not my husband. She simply replied “I C” Then about ten minutes later she text again “well maybe if you would show your husband some affection we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Well, she pushed my button and I sent all the text messages to her husbands phone with an explanation of the situation. She hasn’t texted or spoke with my husband since!

    Right at this moment I know that all the things I have ever asked for in my marriage he gave to XXXXX female co-worker, and only kissed her once. If I hadn’t found the phone that morning with her text . . .they would probably be sleeping together. We are trying to work on our marriage. . . .I am still on the fence if I should stay or go . . .Or will the future just continue to be riddled with half truths . . . Any and all opinions are welcome . . .
    Thxs Ann

    Sunday, 25 July 2010 @ 2:07pm

  169. 169: Rori RayeNo Gravatar says:

    Ann, Welcome, and you’re not going to like this. Don’t read if you don’t want to hear. Your letter is fabulously dramatic, movie-worthy, and for every half-truth he told, so did you. Truth isn’t something you withhold because the other person is. To withhold sex and affection from your husband because you don’t trust him is no less insane than what he was doing with this imaginary relationship he developed in his mind. To snoop in his phone because you can’t speak plainly to him is all within your control. If I was uncomfortable with what a man was saying to me because I believed there was something else going on, I’d talk with him about it. And if talk wasn’t enough, I’d consider leaving at that point. To drag on a marriage that is not a marriage for 5 years because you can’t get at the truth is not a good option for anyone of us (and yet – I hear about this situation happening all the time). If you are now “working” on your marriage TOGETHER – then all this was a GOOD thing. Thank that woman. Someone in an emotional logjam has to go first…and that’s YOU. Learn here how to speak in feeling messages. How to Listen at Level 2 (in the ebook) to a man. And to replace your instinctive defense system with compassion for yourself and love for yourself. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 27 July 2010 @ 2:33pm

  170. 170: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    It is always good to receive Rori’s Newsletter, to me is a reminder and summary of what I am learning about me, relationships and myself. I am listening now the Heart Conection Toolkit, wonderful meditations and enphasis the tools in a summary, I can underestand better the process, I feel better about myself. My husband still kind of cold, but more relaxed. Today he asked me if I was going to stay with him until the end of our lives , and without thinkink I answered , ” I do not know ” ( I feel bad, maybe it was not the kind of answer I should have given ) He is a good man, but my feelings are not that romantic toward him, I am trying.

    Thursday, 4 November 2010 @ 2:04pm

  171. 171: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    My extranger lives in a dark slimy house on the outside, an warm and clean inside,her house is made of adobe. She is very ugly looking. green, with a big head and nose, and her face has warts. She is very , very angry, she does not want to talk to me, she scares me, she yells at me. But when I tell her that I am in charge and give her a cookie, she shrinks and smile like a puppet and she is content.
    How can I find strengh in her ?

    Monday, 22 November 2010 @ 5:38pm

  172. 172: sabrinaNo Gravatar says:

    wow this seems like a really good site 4 me!im so happy i found it because iv been feeling lost for some time now.ok heres the thing….im 18 and my fiance is 21,we have both been in a relationship for 3 years now going on 4 and we have been through so much.we already lived together for a year.now we have become deleufhuihluhlouhiluihf depppppp
    dependent on familymembers now.idk if this is the main thing bothering me or what but for some reason since the week b4 our lease was up i started feeling unsure about us.and i mean me and him have been through alot together i love him verymuch so i dont want it all to be for nothing but i feel myself fadeing away slowly in my own thoughts and its hard to stop the stress because neight now and have alot ahead of us..he has no doubts or bad feelings and that hurts me even more to think that theirs a possibility we wont be together after everything!im so scared right now.i got threw these moods when im fine and then when i look at him s!whats wrong with me?is it depression or am i not suposed to be with him.am i becoming more di
    becming more distant because im scared of failure with college collsfjkhldsiguh;uihfgi;uhirhgsdfjgkfnjk;ghjikfjgiorgjicollegekjngkjngooglgjgoorigiuoijgdsjlkgjklsdgjklsdd
    college or ksg;iosdh

    Monday, 13 June 2011 @ 7:03pm

  173. 173: IsaNo Gravatar says:

    Dear Sabrina : Welcome to this blog !!
    It is hard for a couple to live with family members.
    I hope that you can find a way to be happy, specially at that young age. It will help your relationship. Rori´s tools will help you. Focus on yourself first, love yourself , take care of yourself, make a plan if you want to go to college, find your feelings and express them , it will help you to become stronger.
    it will help him to relax too.
    Take one thing at the time. Breathe. I do not want you to have negative thoughts, because they are not true and they steal your energy.
    When you walk, feel your feet, This is an exercise that will help you to relax. Be aware of the present moment.
    My best wishes to you.

    Tuesday, 14 June 2011 @ 2:45pm

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